#idk today i was reminded that i used to have such a nice relationship with my dad until my siblings came along

[samsspambox]

if i randomly come out with an angst one shot,,, no one question it LMAO

[oscarpiasstri81]

i wanna ruin our friendship - Oscar Piastri

part one / part two

summary ~ oscar and reader telling the grid about their newfound relationship… but they already know.

pairing ~ {oscar piastri × childhoodbsf!reader}

content warnings ~ language, mentions of sex, mostly fluff, carlos sainz being a menace

a/n ~ i did NOT think so many people would read, let alone actually like my first ever ff. thank you guys so much!!! Los amo mucho a todos, gracias. <3

word count ~ again, idk. like 1k or something ?

You woke up to the feeling of the warm sun resting over your face. Shifting a little in your still half asleep state, you felt a slight weight over your waist. Confused for a split second, you look down to figure out what it is. Seeing a strong, tanned arm, you’re reminded of last nights events.

Oscar had been awake for a few minutes before you, staying completely still in order to not wake you. Once he noticed you were awake, he spoke to you with his rough, sleep coated voice.

“Morning, pretty girl. How did you sleep?”

Hearing his voice made you flip your body around to face him, a smile already plastered on your face. You gave him a quick peck on the lips before replying.

“I slept pretty good, especially since I was next toyou.” Your words left a faint blush over Oscars face, completed with the prettiest of smiles.

He returned your previous gesture with another, much longer, kiss. As you felt him tongue running across the bottom of your lips, you let the kiss go on for only a moment longer before pulling away.

“As much as I would like to lay here all day, Charles has probably got breakfast going downstairs. You know how impatient he gets.”

Oscar responded to your statement with an annoyed groan. Rolling his eyes before pulling you into a short, but just as sweet, kiss. He quickly got out of bed, getting dressed as you began to do the same. Once you were both done getting ready, Oscar headed to the door. You quickly stopped him.

“Wait, Oscar.” He stopped and turned to look at you confused.

“Yeah? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just… are we going to say anything? To anyone? You know, about us?” You asked as nicely as possible, not wanting to come off as if you were ashamed. He seemed to understand what you were implying.

“We can if you want to, pretty. I have no problems in telling the whole world that you are my beautiful, lovely girlfriend.” He said with a soft smile.

“Good, good. I don’t want to keep anything a secret, especially from our friends.”

Glad to hear your words of affirmation, you both had agreed to tell each of your friends together, over whatever horrible breakfast Charles was cooking downstairs. As excited as you were to tell everyone about your relationship, you were not excited about Charles cooking skills, you could smell the smoke from upstairs.

The both of you headed downstairs together. As you walked into the room, you noticed all heads turn towards you and Oscar.

There were only about 12 people who had stayed over for the night, all of them being either from the grid, or one of the WAGs, as the internet had dubbed them.

Although you were confused as to why everyone had so suddenly looked, and then just as quickly averted their gaze, you headed to sit at the large table. Charles cooking hadn’t been so miserable today, only about half of it being slightly charred. Oscar took his seat next to you, laying his hand onyour thigh. You turned to look at him, and gave him a silent nod as the go ahead to tell the group about your news.

Just as Oscar was about to speak, a sharp voice suddenly interrupted him. Carlos.

“So, you two got up to some fun last night, sí?” He said with a smirk, he was a very forward and teasing person.

The blush that covered both you and Oscars faces confirmed whatever Carlos was insinuating, and that only made the groups laugh even harder. You turned to Oscar with an embarrassed look. It was obvious how oblivious the both of you were to how loud you had been last night. It now made sense how Lando, who you considered to be a brother, couldn’t meet your eyes earlier when you offered him a ‘good morning’.

It was clear that Oscar was equally as embarrassed as you, although the slight smirk on his face said otherwise. The usually quiet and introverted man was sort of proud that everyone heard how good he could make you feel. He broke everyone’s laughter as he spoke.

“Well, at least now we don’t have to tell you guys. But, we’re together, for clarification.”

Everyone offered their congratulations, still quietly laughing about the whole situation. Lando, on the other hand, was not finding this as amusing.

“I am happy for you guys, just… don’t be so loud next time. I don’t need to hear any of that. Y/n is like a sister to me!”

This sent everyone into a fit again, laughing at not only you and Oscars expense, but Lando’s as well.

“Yeah,” Carlos speaks up, “You didn’t need to tell us anything, we all heard.”

a/n ~ again, thank you guys so much for the support on part one!!! i really appreciate it. let me know if you have any requests for writes, i’ll do pretty much anyone. hasta la vista, bebé

[the-boy-meets-evil]

tell me how it got this way | ch. 6

pairing: jungkook x f.reader, hoseok x f.reader genre: fwb to lovers/friends to lovers, love triangle | non-idol!au, angst, smut, est. relationships rating: 18+, minors dni warnings: mentions of past issues (so brief), lots of kissing, explicit smut (seriously minors DNI), fingering (f. receiving), orgasm denial (f. receiving), unprotected vaginal sex (they've talked about it previously but don't do this), slight marking, begging, mentions of multiple orgasms, cream pie kinda, mention of oral sex (f. receiving), mention of shower sex, mention of bathroom sex, mingyu makes an appearance as the shithead roommate, i think that's it? word count: ~9.7k (idk what to say, it got away from me)

a/n: SHE IS FINALLY DONE! this is the fic that completely got away from me, ended up being much harder to finish than i imagined, and went some place completely different from the original idea. this was definitely not the ending i imagined, but sometimes you just have to go with what feels natural rather than forcing something that doesn't. i hope you enjoy it and sorry for the length.

prev. | masterlist

With a new day also comes the realization that you don’t get another pass. Today you don’t get to just tell people you don’t want to talk about the conversation with Hoseok and actually have them respect that. It’s time for you to start figuring out what it is that you feel and process your emotions. To use Jimin’s words, you need to start acting like an adult that’s published multiple books and earned a streaming deal. Which is kind of terrifying. All you want to do is pull the covers over your head and pretend the world doesn’t exist. 

You’re seriously considering that when you roll over to your side and Jungkook isn’t there anymore. And your feelings about him being gone are complicated. The rational part of you knows that he has his own life, his own things to do, he doesn’t owe you his free time. But, it was really nice just to fall asleep cuddled up with him, no sex or talking, just comfort. It’s also a little gut-wrenching to think he might have left without a word. That’s no who you are, is it?

Then Jungkook walks back into the room, still in just his briefs, with a mug in each hand. You sit up with a smile and accept the cup when he hands it over to you. It smells amazing, which isn’t a surprise. This man is good at everything, including something as simple as making the perfect cup of coffee. Surprisingly, though, he never takes the credit. Just reminds you that it’s easy to make good coffee when you’ve got a full coffee bar in your apartment. And because Jungkook is a saint, he tells you that he’s ordered breakfast from your favorite place. 

For all the time you and him spend together, it feels like it’s been ages since you had a day like this: both free from work or other plans, a full day just to be lazy together. You don’t even have to talk about it, you know you’re both on the same page when he asks if you have anything to do and says he doesn’t either. Seems really happy to be able to spend the day with you too. 

Okay, so maybe you did sneak an extra day of not having to talk about your feelings after all. It’s not like you were going to answer text messages when you were with Jungkook and it wasn’t like he asked about it either. Which suited you just fine. 

Today, though, you agree to go see Yoongi and Jimin. Without the special guest this time, because you really do want to figure out how you were feeling. And to do that, you really needed to take him out of the equation. As amazing as he is as a friend on top of everything else, this just isn’t fair. It’s not fair to ask for advice now. Besides, Jungkook has been at your place since two nights ago and Mingyu, his roommate, is getting whiny. Not that it’s unusual, but it does mean Jungkook should go home.

You suggest going to Yoongi and Jimin’s apartment since they’re both there, which annoys Jimin since he was excited to get out of the house. Even if it was only to come to your apartment. Your offer to bring coffee and pastries, anything he wants, which quiets him back down again. There’s also a strategy in it. Part of you isn’t entirely sure what your friends are going to say and going to their apartment gives you the chance to run, if you need to. 

You don’t, thankfully. 

Both listen intently as you relay your memories from the conversation the previous day. Jimin, as usual, interjects more than Yoongi does. He wants to know things about Hoseok’s body language, facial expressions, if he leaned in or fidgeted in his seat. And just as usual, Yoongi lets his boyfriend pepper you with questions throughout the story, only listening intently. It makes you a little nervous, though, because you know that he’s going to have something to say and you’re really not sure what it’s going to be. 

“I think this is a good thing,” Yoongi finally says, even earns an eyebrow raise from Jimin. 

“You do?” both you and Jimin ask together.

“I do,” Yoongi responds. “Even if you haven’t been talking about it, this fight with him and losing that friendship has been hanging over your head for the past 5 years.”

“He has a point,” Jimin agrees. 

“I remember when we met, it couldn’t have been much after the fight, I’d say a year max,” Yoongi starts and you nod. “I didn’t know what happened except that there was this pain completely covering you.”

“Wow, thanks Yoon,” you say, sarcasm kicking in as a defense.

“Will you just…listen?” he asks. There’s something in his tone that makes you roll your lips together and nod. “You wore the pain like armor, still do sometimes, but wouldn’t it be nice to not have to anymore? Wouldn’t it be nice to be free?”

“Yeah, I mean of course it would,” you say, letting out a sigh in the process.

“You’ve got that chance,” Yoongi says. “Jimin and I can’t tell you what you feel…” 

“Though I’m happy to offer opinions,” Jimin interjects, only to be silenced by a look from Yoongi. 

“But you have a chance to get closure, real closure, and move forward from one of the worst things you went through,” Yoongi says. “So figure out what you feel and talk to them both.”

“Both?” The surprise is clear in your voice and on your face.

“Oh honey,” Jimin says almost like he’s pitying you. “Jungkook?” 

“I’m not sure…” you start and Jimin is even quicker to cut you off. 

“I don’t wanna hear about how it’s just casual or you’re not actually in a relationship because it’s bullshit,” Jimin says. Which catches you off guard, a bit, because he doesn’t usually swear like that in your direction. 

“I know things have gotten deeper,” you concede. 

“He was worried about you the other night, when we went out,” Jimin admits and you realize you never actually asked Jungkook about the text. “He texted me…”

“When did you get his number?” Yoongi asks and Jimin smiles. 

“Aww is my Yoonie jealous?” Jimin taunts, earning nothing more than a huff in response. 

“You know she’s my best friend, right?” Yoongi grumbles under his breath. 

“Yes, my grumpy little cat, I know she’s your best friend. We exchanged numbers a while ago because I put him in touch with someone I knew about a job,” Jimin says and continues before either you or Yoongi can ask any questions about the vague answer. “Anyway, he texted me after he’d texted you a few times. Just wanted to make sure you were okay and nothing had gone wrong. I told him we were out and things were fine, but that I was sure you wouldn’t mind if he went over anyway.”

Not what you were expecting. Although you’re not sure what you really expected. The whole thing has been different than you were expecting. 

“Since he has a key and we do not,” Jimin adds and you laugh. 

“Yoongi does have a key,” you say and laugh harder when Jimin playfully smacks the older man. 

“It’s for emergencies, Jiminie,” Yoongi reasons, unbothered. 

“I’m gonna need my own key, then,” Jimin says. 

“Anyway,” Yoongi adds, trying to reign in the chaos. “Yes, both. You deserve the chance to get closure with Hoseok and move forward. But Jungkook also deserves to know where exactly you and him stand.” 

It’s a completely fair point, entirely understandable to lay it out like that. Only one problem. You really don’t have any idea about the answer. Despite admitting this, Yoongi stands firm that Jimin can’t help because you need to work it out on your own. Can’t even offer his thoughts or a little suggestion. Yoongi puts his foot firmly down. And he’s right, isn’t he? This isn’t something for them to figure out. This is your life and they’re your relationships. You can’t have someone else tell you how to feel.  

You take the time that you haven’t given yourself to process. Time to sit alone with yourself and your thoughts, no distractions or outside opinions. It’s not as scary as you thought it would be. There’s a strange kind of comfort in it. Maybe that’s a sign you’ve grown. Not a lot, there’s no need to go crazy, but at least enough to examine where you are. 

In the past, it might’ve taken you weeks, or even months, to process your feelings. Largely because you never actually stopped to process them. Now that you’re actually giving yourself the time and space, it’s only a couple of days. Well, it’s not that you think you’ve figured it all out. You just know Yoongi was right. You need to talk to Jungkook and you need some form of closure with Hoseok. Since you haven’t seen Jungkook in a few days, you figure inviting him over will at least get you moving. 

The best thing about Jungkook, and there is a lot to pick from, is that he always goes with the flow that you set. He’s supportive and kind and caring without being overbearing. The problem with that, though, is you never really noticed when the roles changed. Never noticed how much more observant he became. Never noticed that you know him as well as yourself. Never noticed that you depend on him more than anyone. 

He listens to everything you have to say, keeps his face carefully neutral while you relay the conversation you had days ago with Yoongi and Jimin. If he feels any kind of way about you processing without including him, he doesn’t show it. His face is thoughtful, at times, but you’re not entirely sure what he thinks. There’s something for a second when you say that you had to figure out what your feelings for Hoseok are. And it’s gone just as quickly. 

“You know he’s the reason nothing has ever worked, right?” Jungkook asks and you look for some sign he’s upset or hurt.

“I’ve always said that. That him throwing our friendship aside has made it hard to trust people,” you respond automatically.

“That’s not what I meant.” His voice is soft and low. 

You want to look down and avoid his eyes, but something keeps your eyes on his. Maybe it’s that you don’t know exactly what’s going to happen now that he’s said it aloud. Maybe it’s wondering if this is the last time you’re going to see that warm smile directed at you, the one that always makes you want to smile in return. You don’t know if everything is going to change.

You do know exactly what he means, though. You’ve known since Hoseok appeared back in your life. And maybe it’s not exactly what you expected. Hoseok’s sudden reappearance meant dealing with a lot of emotions and pain that were unclear 5 years ago. Emotions that are both clearer now and still not crystal clear. But struggling internally is very different than having this person you care so much for pointing it out. It scares you. Just how much has Jungkook realized? 

“I don’t know what to say, Kookie,” you admit, finally looking down. You pull your lower lip between your teeth. 

In a second, he’s closing the gap between you and tilting your head gently up to meet his eyes. He smiles softly, the same as always. “There’s nothing to say, I get it.” 

“How long have you known?” You have no idea why this is the question you ask in your hushed tone, but it somehow seems important.

Jungkook is quiet for a moment, like he’s thinking about what to say because he’s not usually one to say much unless he has time to think it through. This is different though. He seems to want to answer. “I guess, well I think I knew there was something when we first started hanging out. I was sure at that gala you brought me to.”

“I’m so sorry,” you repeat and he’s shaking his head.

“We’ve always known what this was, you and me, and it’s always been great,” Jungkook says and you start to open your mouth. You’re not actually sure that he realizes what you want to say. “Don’t worry. You never hurt me. Just don’t fuck it up now, okay?”

“What?” 

Jungkook smiles again and shakes his head. “Tell him. Tell him for real this time, before it’s too late for you to say something, before he disappears to give us a chance.”

“To give...us? I don’t…” You’re sputtering the words out, so confused with not only what Jungkook is saying, but with your emotions as well. Your head is a mess again and you’re not really sure what you’re supposed to say. This isn’t how this was supposed to go.

“I could see it on his face, the last time I saw him, he thinks I’m good for you,” Jungkook says.

“You are,” you say. “You know me so much better than I ever realized, so much better than I think either of us planned.”

“I know I am and I know I’m also the only one you’ve let stay around for this long. It’s just time for you to take a chance at getting what you want, even if you’re scared,” Jungkook says. Part of you really wants to disagree and doesn’t. Chicken.

“Can I ask you something I have no right to ask?” you ask. Jungkook arches his eyebrow at your question, clearly intrigued, but possibly deciding if it’s a good idea. 

“Sure,” he says, curiosity winning over.

“Were you seeing anyone else? Like while we were doing...whatever this was?” you ask. The answer somehow feels important to you. So much so that you hold your breath.

“Casually dating, I think is the word,” Jungkook offers.

“You’re cute, but I think we both know we sucked at casual,” you say and Jungkook chuckles. 

“Did we?” Jungkook asks.

“I mean, yeah? Jungkook, you literally show up at my apartment with coffee or breakfast when I’m hungover. You have a key, for fuck’s sake. I’ve asked you to come to events with me. You bring me to events with you. We hang out and do things without it being sexual at all,” you say and he looks like he’s about to say something. “Which I love, to be clear. I wouldn’t change anything about how we’ve been.”

“I wouldn’t change it either,” Jungkook says and is thoughtful again for a moment. “No, though, I wasn’t.”

“You weren’t?” Somehow this surprises you, even with how bad you were at casual.

“Nah, it was just you,” he says and you nod. “How about you?”

“Please, I always was clear I wasn’t seeing anyone else,” you say. 

The conversation is just so casual, so easy. You know you should be able to think of another word to describe things with him, but you can’t. He’s such a steady presence in your life that you’re not really sure how to go forward with his advice, even though you know he’s right. It’s weird to think you might have a Jungkook-sized hole in your life soon. He’s made himself at home and you’re not really sure you’re ready to lose that safety net.

But it’s not fair to anyone. It’s not fair to Jungkook, even if he says that he’s really not looking to be in something serious with labels and expectations. In the back of your mind, you do know that the two of you have basically been in a relationship for months without calling it that. This conversation with Hoseok is just one that you need to have. You know that there were more than just friendly feelings simmering beneath everything that happened. Not everyone gets closure, but you can and you’re going to try.

You’re nervous. Like really nervous. Like the kind of nervous where your leg is jiggling almost uncontrollably and you react every time the door opens. Okay, maybe that’s because you had entirely too much caffeine in your system. This had been the compromise though. Overly caffeinated was fine, apparently having a drink (or four, who’s counting) was a bad idea. You were internally cursing at taking Jimin’s advice on doing this sober. What did he know anyway?

(Jimin is in a happy relationship, you remind yourself, with someone you never thought would settle into something as easily as he had with Jimin. Okay, so maybe Jimin knows something, but you’d rather die before admitting that because he’s smug enough already, thank you very much.)

So yeah, the caffeine isn’t helping the nerves. Knowing Hoseok is on his way and you’re going to tell him how you used to feel is worse, though. You know there’s a part of you that has feelings for him now. You know that’s why you fell into bed with him. This seems like something he should know, or should have known. Or maybe he does know and he just hasn’t said anything. Feels bad about Jungkook. Which you do too, honestly.

No, you need to stay focused and you’re cursing yourself that the only time you can ever be early seems to be when you’re meeting Hoseok. It’s giving you too much time to think and re-think. Maybe you should just get up, text Hoseok that you’re sorry but something came up with the series and you’d have to catch him another time. (Which, you then remind yourself, is a terrible idea because one of Hoseok’s dance students is in the series so he could definitely tell Hoseok nothing came up. Ugh.)

And then he walks in, just walks through the door like there isn’t anything to worry about and nothing is going to change. Which maybe nothing will change for either of you, that thought has been on your mind constantly. Jungkook seems sure that Hoseok has feelings for you and seems sure that you have some kind of feelings for him. Maybe he’s right.

Hoseok’s smile upon seeing you sitting there is instant and genuine, that warm smile that’s always felt like it was only for his favorite people. Once upon a time, you knew you’d meant the world to him. Now? You aren’t sure. 

As soon as he had a coffee of his own, he joined you, sitting down looking suddenly apprehensive and something else you can’t place. “It’s good to see you.”

“Thanks for coming to see me,” you say, not sure exactly how to act. 

“I wasn’t sure, after that whole thing about the TV series,” Hoseok says and you sigh. 

You apologize for that, because you know it wasn’t ever a serious thought that Hoseok would do something like that. He isn’t underhanded or calculating. Sure, he hurt you all those years earlier, but getting close to you again just to help someone get a role in a TV show? No. That wasn’t Hoseok. You’re falling over yourself to make sure he understands just how sorry you are for it. In typical Hoseok fashion, he accepts it easily. 

“It was really bad timing,” Hoseok admits, “running into you out like that, us being drunk, ending up back at my place.” 

“That wasn’t exactly what I signed up for,” you say. 

“No, I know, and then with Jungkook, I know you said it wasn’t serious. But, I see how you and him are together. He’s good for you,” Hoseok says, kind of rambling in an uncharacteristic way. 

“Yeah, he has been really good for me,” you say. “I guess…this has all been confusing and I’m not really sure what the future is for him and me.” 

He’s surprised, clearly. He was sincere in saying how you and Jungkook were good together. You think you see something else too and you’re not sure what it is. When did you get so bad at reading his emotions? There was a time you knew his face better than your own.

“What happened?” Hoseok asks. “I don’t ever remember seeing you like that with anyone, even if I have missed years of your life.”

That gets a sigh out of you. “Jungkook is different. He’s kind and patient, listens even when my mouth can’t keep up with my brain, which seems to be a lot. He supports my mood swings while I’m writing. He’s really good at calming me down when I want to throw my computer out the window and quit writing.”

“Which also probably happens a lot,” Hoseok jokes and you can’t completely fight a laugh.

“I’d like to say it’s better now, but it’s not,” you concede.

“So why aren’t you sure?” Hoseok asks.

“Why did you pop back up?” you ask. “Why now?”

Hoseok lets you answer his question with a question. 

“I don’t know,” Hoseok says and thinks about it. “I knew I made a mistake, that I fucked up for what I said then. I think, eventually, she knew it too. I couldn’t get why she was so threatened by our friendship, she couldn’t get why I didn’t get it. I had all this regret and I didn’t know how to apologize.”

“I’m sorry for being a dickhead is usually a good place to start,” you offer, and Hoseok levels you with a look. “Sorry.”

“We finally broke up and I wanted to call you the minute she left. I just felt like that would feel off? Like ‘hey, we just broke up, you were right and I’m sorry’ just felt lame,” Hoseok says. 

“I want to say it wouldn’t have been, but I also don’t think I would’ve been in the right headspace to hear it,” you acknowledge.

“I figured,” Hoseok sighs. “So I waited, and then you had a book drop and some time went by. I was getting ready to reach out, when I looked at your Instagram. The last two posts were a super heartfelt post about a friend of yours that you referred to as your best friend and then a picture with some really attractive guy looking at you like you were his whole world.”

You thought you remembered the timeframe and who you’d been dating. Seokmin had been wonderful and beautiful and cared deeply for you, a feeling you weren’t able to return completely. 

“The post with Yoongi, who I had to fight to even get pictures with for the record, must’ve been hard for you to see,” you acknowledge and Hoseok looks puzzled. “The one gushing about him being my best friend?”

“Oh, sure, that was the harder of the two,” Hoseok says and for one of the first times in your life, you feel like he’s lying. 

“Still, though, if it’s when I’m thinking, I dated that guy like over a year and a half ago,” you say. “And, to be fair, it wasn’t as serious as it probably looked.”

“I just, I don’t know, I missed you. I was at my sister’s with her and her husband and I just, I missed you,” Hoseok said. 

“I saw pictures from her wedding, she looked stunning,” you say and then, almost without a thought, “and so did you. I mean, you looked really handsome.”

The tips of Hoseok’s ears flushed a bit, another something out of character for him. 

“She was so upset. She thought I’d have patched it up with you by then and you’d have been there. She nearly told me not to come unless you were there too,” Hoseok says. 

“I missed you too,” you say and sigh because you know you have to just say it. 

“I’m surprised you thought about me at all,” Hoseok says quietly. 

“Well I tried not to, it worked a lot. Not nearly as much as I’d have liked. But artists are supposed to suffer, right?” You laugh a little without any humor. “Look, I have to put my cards on the table,” Hoseok says. “All those years ago, the things I was saying. I realized later I had it backwards. I’d been in love with you since we slept together that summer. I just, I didn’t really know what to do with my emotions and you were so sure about pretending it hadn’t happened. I’m so sorry for everything that I said and for everything that it put you through. I know it doesn’t make up for it now and I can accept that. I fucked up. Plain and simple. And I’d be willing to spend however long I needed to showing you that I’m so sorry. That’s why the relationship finally ended, though, she realized I was still in love with you. It wasn’t just that I felt bad for what I said, which I still do, it was that I couldn’t help from bringing you up, especially when anyone talked about you as a writer. I was still in love with you and she felt like she couldn’t compete.”

“What?” you ask, unable to form other words.

“I’m so sorry to dump this on you now,” Hoseok says and you sigh.

“You weren’t alone and she wasn’t entirely wrong,” you say and his eyes lock on yours. “I did have feelings for you back then, super complicated feelings that I didn’t really know how to process. Or even what they were.”

“You’re talking in the past tense,” Hoseok comments and you bite your lower lip.

“I am, aren’t I?” you ask idly.

“I’m too late,” Hoseok realizes and you look away. 

“Hobi, I do have feelings for you, that drunken night wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t,” you say and chuckle. “We’re way too old to act like drunkenly falling into bed is meaningless.”

“No, I agree there,” Hoseok says. “But?”

“I think I just walked away from someone I shouldn’t have so we could have this conversation,” you say. 

“I think you did too,” Hoseok admits after a moment and you can see how hard it is on him.

“You don’t get it though,” you say and shake your head. “It was never serious with Jungkook. Never something we labeled. He let me walk away to come talk to you. He encouraged it. He doesn’t want more with me.”

“Of course he did,” Hoseok chuckles. “What was he supposed to do?”

“Ask me to stay?” you ask and Hoseok looks amused. 

“You don’t see the way he looks at you, at least the way he did at that Gala. It took me a long time to approach you because of it. I was already there when you and him walked in,” Hoseok says, which really catches you off guard. You’d assumed he was a late arrival or at least that he hadn’t seen you yet. “You were sighing and I could just imagine you talking about how much you didn’t want to be there, but his eyes just stayed on you. So fond. And then there’s the way he apparently looks at you when he shows up to the set.”

“How do you…?” you ask and then realize. “Chan, of course.”

“He didn’t know what he was doing, just mentioned a guy with tattoos that seemed crazy about you showing up pretty often,” Hoseok says. “Chan’s so obsessed with your work and so happy about the project. He was all starstruck talking about the guy that looked at you like you hung the moon while you were just drinking your coffee.”

“Yeah, well, I need my caffeine,” you say. What else are you supposed to say? Your brain wants to process it all and wants to believe it. It’s just, it goes against everything you thought you knew.

“We were too late and that’s something I have to live with. And maybe it’s for the best, we’re not 22 anymore,” he says. “But you don’t have to be too late for this.”

“I’m so sorry, but I have to go,” you say and rush out of the coffee shop. 

Even though you spend a lot of time at your apartment, you still spend some time at Jungkook’s apartment too. The downside is just that he lives with a roommate. Not a downside really, because his roommate is great, it’s just that sometimes he complains about how single he feels around you and Jungkook. Which you didn’t really understand until now. It’s like now you can see exactly how you’ve been the entire time. You’re not sure how you missed it.

And it’s Mingyu that answers the door. You forgot that he’s like 7 feet tall as you’re looking up at him in the doorway. He looks confused for a second before he’s leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.  

“Long time, no see,” he says casually.

“I know, is Jungkook here?” you ask and he shakes his head.

“I thought you’d be with your new boyfriend,” Mingyu says and you frown at him. Frown because he didn’t answer your question. It doesn’t even occur to you that he wouldn’t know about Hoseok unless Jungkook was talking about it.

“Please, Mingyu, is he here?” you ask again.

Mingyu sighs and steps aside so that you can come in. “He’s not, but you can wait.” 

“Do you know when he’s gonna be back?” you ask.

Mingyu opens his mouth, probably to say something sarcastic, and then stops himself. Which is weird. Weirder still, his face softens.

“I really wanna fuck with you, but I’m hoping that it’s a good thing that you’re here,” he says. “He legit just went around the corner to get coffee so he should be back really soon.”

“Thank you,” you say. And you mean it.

“Can I say something?” he asks, seems to be fighting with himself. 

“You’ve never hesitated before,” you answer. Which is true, you don’t know Mingyu that well, but Jungkook’s roommate has never been shy around you.

“You mean a lot to him,” Mingyu says. “I know he’ll never come out and say it like that and he’d probably kill me for telling you, but you do. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for you. I’ve known him for years and he’s never been like this about anyone.”

“Yeah, I think I’m realizing that,” you say, earning a smile from Mingyu. 

“Just give him a shot,” Mingyu says.

He’s about to say something else when you both hear a key in the lock, both turn to look at the door when the handle turns, both watch to see the reaction of the man walking in. 

“Gyu, I got you a coffee too even though you’re a complete…oh!” Jungkook says, catching sight of you in his living room. “What are you doing here?” 

“Sorry, it’s just…well, I,” you start, tumbling over your words and miss Mingyu shaking his head.

“No, sorry, that came out wrong. I’m happy you’re here, I just figured you’d be with Hoseok,” Jungkook says and his face crinkles. “Don’t tell me that idiot turned you down.” 

“Thanks for the coffee,” Mingyu interrupts. “I’m gonna head out, actually.” 

“I thought we were…” Jungkook starts, adorably confused.

Mingyu only claps him on the shoulder. “Another time, trust me.”

“Can we sit?” you ask and Jungkook looks unsure but he nods. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get coffee for you too, I didn’t realize,” Jungkook starts.

“No, it’s fine, I definitely don’t need more caffeine,” you say.

He laughs, “well that’s a first.”

You take a deep breath and try not to watch the range of emotions on Jungkook’s face because you’re scared you’ll lose your nerve. 

“I’m sorry,” you say quietly to your hands. 

“For what? Did he turn you down?” Jungkook asks. You can hear the protective side of him coming out.

You ignore the second question. “For everything that’s happened since that Gala I dragged you to. All the times you’ve had to pick up the pieces, all the times you’ve had to comfort me, all the advice you’ve had to give about another guy.”

“Oh,” Jungkook says softly. “Well, that’s okay.”

That makes you look up. “No, it’s not. You don’t deserve that. You don’t ever deserve to think that you’re anything less than amazing. I know I’ve made you feel like a second choice, like a back-up plan, you’re not.”

“Hey, life is complicated, right? I’m a big boy, I knew what I was getting into,” Jungkook assures you.  

“Still though,” you say.

“What happened with…him?” Jungkook asks. It’s the first time his careful mask has slipped and it gives you hope. Hope you’re not sure you have a right to feel. 

“He told me he did have feelings for me, both back then and now,” you say. 

Jungkook, usually so composed with you, lets some of his frustration come through his next words. “So what are you doing here?”

It’s harsher than he usually speaks to you and you know you completely deserve it. You need to actually get the words out and let him make a decision for himself for once, without putting you first. 

“I realized that it wasn’t him that I wanted,” you offer, so quietly that you’re scared he won’t hear. But he does, of course he does. 

“I don’t…” Jungkook begins.

“I think my feelings towards him have always been complicated, tied up in how he was the first real friend I’d ever had. There’s a part of me that did feel some kind of love for him and definitely some kind of physical connection to him,” you say and pause. You need to take a breath to keep going. To steady your nerves. “It wasn’t until I was sitting across from him that I realized, I’m not 22 anymore. Maybe it would’ve been right then, maybe it wouldn’t. But it isn’t right now and I don’t wanna be chasing something from years ago. Love doesn’t have to be that complicated.”

“I…no, it doesn’t have to be complicated,” he agrees. 

“So he realized he was too late and I realized it wasn’t him I should be talking to,” you say and look up into Jungkook’s soft brown eyes. You’re not even sure he’s breathing with how intently he’s watching you. And hopeful, so hopeful. “It’s you that I want, Jungkook, if I haven’t fucked this up so bad that you can’t…”

You don’t get to finish your words before his lips crash against yours. And the feeling is warm and comfortable and electric all at once. It’s right in a way nothing else has been before. He just fits together with you like it was always supposed to be this way.

“I’m so sorry, Jungkook,” you say between kisses. “I am so insanely sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

“It’s okay,” he assures you, not wanting to break apart. 

You have to pull away though, his face between your hands. “It’s not and I want you to know that you’re my first choice. This, right here with you, is all I need.”

“I know,” he says. “And fuck, I’m so happy you’re here. I know we have a lot to figure out but can we just…can we do it tomorrow? I just want today with you.”

How can you deny him that? After everything that’s happened between the two of you, you really do feel like this is the least you can do. He’s also far more perceptive than you’ve given him credit for, so maybe it’s okay to just follow his lead this time. 

Kissing Jungkook now feels…different. Not bad, just new somehow. Which is kind of crazy because you’ve kissed him thousands of times over the months you’ve been together. There’s just something about your brain and your heart finally seeming to be on the same page that makes everything feel more. More feelings, more happiness, more excitement. You didn’t think that kissing someone could get any better. It has, though, and you’re not sure you’re going to be able to catch your breath if you keep going. 

Another amazing thing about someone who knows you as well as Jungkook is that you don’t always need words. When he stands and grabs your hand, you follow him into his bedroom without even questioning it. You watch, eyes probably full of some nauseating level of affection, as he sits on the edge of the bed and reaches out for you. There’s an equal amount of affection as you let him pull you in and settle on his lap, one knee on either side of him pressing into the mattress. 

There’s never really been a rush with Jungkook, at least not since the first few times. Yeah, there have been plenty of rushed times, but just as many slow. This is somehow different, just like the kiss. And that makes sense, doesn’t it? Because you have all the time in the world. All the time to be together and figure each other out even more. Jungkook may have the edge there. 

His hands are firm on your hips, keeping you anchored in place, stopping you from rolling your hips against his for the friction you crave. The control is  a stark contrast from the softness of his lips moving in time with yours and it’s making you a little dizzy. You really thought you knew this man inside and out, yet here he is surprising you again. 

Even more dizzying is the realization that you’re in so much deeper than you ever thought. It’s more than just caring about him, even though you do, probably more than you’ve ever really cared about a partner. It’s this inescapable feeling of being safe and on the edge at the same time. Knowing that if you fall, he’s going to catch you. It’s so glaringly obvious that you see why your friends were so insistent that you include him in the equation. 

Just when you think you might explode, Jungkook pulls apart from you and studies your face. His fingers graze along the skin at your waist, playing with the hem of your shirt. You nod and lift your hands up as he grips the hem to pull it over your head. His fingers are so light across your skin when he unclasps your bra and slides the straps away. 

Gentle. He’s so gentle. Like he’s telling you that it’s okay, that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Like he’s not sure this is real. It is, though. As his lips move down your neck, you can’t help the sigh that escapes your lips. The trails his kisses down to your breast, slow and deliberate. The way his warm breath meets your skin makes you suck in a breath. 

He’s always been generous, always wanted to be exactly what you wanted, but this feels like even more than that. It feels like a side of him you should’ve known and yet didn’t quite. It feels like a last little bit of him that had been tucked away, just waiting. And that’s kind of exciting, to think that someone you thought you already knew completely can still surprise you like this. It makes all those hangups you thought you had about relationships seem insignificant.

And he’s getting a side of you that is a little different, too. There’s something about him that makes you needy, but it’s never been like this. All you want is more of him, more of everything he’s doing. You try to take advantage when he’s not anchoring you quite so steadily, roll your hips against his. While you’re rewarded with a low groan, he also puts a hand firmly back on your hip to keep you from doing it again.

“Please Jungkookie,” you whine, finally relenting. You will absolutely beg if it gets you what you want.

His eyes study you, so full of affection that you might combust. You don’t even realize he’s slid his hands under your ass until he’s standing up and you gasp. It’s just for a moment, though, so he can lay you back onto his bed. Almost immediately, you go to remove your pants and his hands are on yours, stopping you before you even get to the button. The next second, he’s pinning you down, one hand holding both of yours above your head, the other swiftly undoing your pants. If this is the way you go, a squirming mess beneath this beautiful man, it all might be worth it, honestly. 

Jungkook pulls himself back off of you so he can pull your pants down, taking your underwear along with them. Even though you’ve seen him get undressed more times than you can count, you still find yourself watching as he removes his own clothes. Eyes taking in the recently added color of his tattoos, the lines of his body, the way his muscles contract as he moves. 

He’s back almost on top of you, slightly offset so he doesn’t put too much weight on you, but it’s still a surprise to you when he starts kissing you again. You need something more, some sort of relief before you go insane. And you’re just about to beg for it when one of his fingers slides along your folds. So this is the game he’s playing, teasing you with just his fingers and making your back arch in response. You want to protest, want to tell him there’s plenty of time to go slow, but you just need now. With his lips so insistent on yours, though, that’s hard. 

Thankfully, Jungkook isn’t cruel. After running his finger along your entrance, collecting some of the wetness there, he slides a single finger inside you. It’s so slow, painfully slow, but it’s something. It’s a start to the relief that you need. Okay, maybe he is a little cruel. His finger slides in as slowly as his kisses, which are all languid motions. Any part of you that wants to fight back sinks into the mattress as he licks into your mouth. 

It’s honestly the most relaxed you’ve ever felt with someone like this. There’s a part of your brain that fights against that feeling for a second before you realize that it’s been there all along. This feeling of complete comfort and safety. You were just too caught up in the idea that it wasn’t that serious to realize Jungkook had made a home in your heart. Too caught up in your past bullshit to realize this person had carefully broken through every defense without you realizing it.

But, unfortunately, Jungkook is still kind of a shit. Through your moaning, he picks up the pace, something you immediately encourage. A chorus of nonsense mixed together with your appreciation. He had two fingers inside you and his thumb on your clit. All you feel is that you’re close, so close.

Until he stops. Just completely stills himself when you’re on the precipice. Ready to come on his fingers and body still wound tight.

“Not yet babe,” he says, eyes alight.

“I was so close,” you whine.

“I know,” he says, just confirming what a demon he is. He captures your next protest with a kiss and you tangle your hand in his hair without thinking. Anchor him to you. Take back some small, tiny bit of control.

It’s all too fast when he pulls away again and you recognize he’s looking for a condom. So you just tell him not to bother. You mostly haven’t been using one lately because you’re protected and you know both of you are clean. It’s something you’ve both talked about more than once. 

And thank fucking god he seems like he’s on the same page as you again because he doesn’t question it. Just abandons his search and presses his lips to yours again. You arch your back into him, chase his lips with your own. It should be embarrassing, the way you just need, except that it’s Jungkook and it’s not. It’s just…natural. The most natural thing in the world.

He does successfully pull away from your lips again, sparing a low, quiet chuckle for the way you immediately pout your lips at him. But then he’s lining himself up at your entrance, using just a little bit of lube along his shaft, and pressing the tip into you. Just like everything else, it’s slow. So slow as he pushes into you, buries his length inside of you and lets you adjust to him. Wants you to feel comfortable. But you’re always comfortable with him. 

The second that you try to move against him, Jungkook presses a hand to your hip, pins you down to the bed. There’s none of the usual wide-eyed wonder in his eyes when they lock onto yours, silently telling you that you need to stay in place. Be good. Somehow it makes you want to squirm even more. Instead you focus on the way the muscles in Jungkook’s arm that’s holding you down contract, focus on the furrow of his brow, focus on the lines of his chest.

You tentatively wrap your legs around him, wanting to change his angle and he moves his hand from your hip to balance himself over you. Somehow, even though this is not your preferred position, it feels…different, intimate in a way that usually scares you. You’re not scared, though. You’re only happy. Jungkook finally starts moving, too slow like everything else but at least it’s something. 

Without warning, he pulls almost all the way out and snaps back into you hard, a perfect contrast to the previous thrusts. He must anticipate your reaction, too, since he leans down to kiss you, capturing all your pleasure. So you do the only thing you can think of and drag your nails down Jungkook’s arms. Part of you hopes you’re leaving a mark so that everyone will know he’s yours. Wholly and completely. 

“Fuck,” Jungkook hisses.

“Do you like that?” you ask with all the innocence that you can muster. 

“Don’t play games with me,” is the only answer you get.

“Then please, Jungkook,” you beg and he slows, still moving but focusing on your words instead.

“Please what?” he questions.

“Please just fuck me,” you supply immediately. “We’ve got the rest of forever for slow, just fuck me. Show me that I’m yours.”

It’s what he’s been waiting for. That last little thing he needs to hear. There’s a split second where he looks at you full of that same love and affection you’re sure was on your face earlier before he switches back to pure want and lust. And fuck this is what you need. What you want. The only thing in the world for you.

Jungkook picks up his pace, thrusting hard into you as you grip yourself as tightly to him as you can. Arch into him to change the angle, tighten your thighs around his hips. Before you can move a hand to your clit, he’s there. His finger along with the speed of his thrusts has you back on the edge. Your entire body is hyper aware from the earlier orgasm denial. He knows it, too.

“Come on baby, I want you to come for me,” Jungkook urges.

“I’m so close, oh my god,” you say through a moan. “Yes, oh my god, Jungkook, yes!” 

“I wanna see you come undone,” he says, breaths getting ragged. “Fuck I’m close too.”

“Come for me then,” you whine.

“You first,” Jungkook says and thrusts even faster.

A few more thrusts and you’re cumming harder than you can remember in a while. Nothing coherent leaving your lips. Jungkook is just a few seconds behind you and you meet his thrusts through his own high. When he stills, he carefully drops himself down, half laying on you without putting his full weight on you either. Almost absentmindedly, you run your fingers up and down his arm, tracing the lines of your favorite tattoos, watching the way his body moves with each breath. 

Jungkook looks up at you and he’s the same man that you fell in love with without realizing it. Except now you can accept it for what it is. You see the love and care in his eyes when he looks at you, the same look everyone else has seen the whole time. It almost makes you shy. He leans up to plant the softest kiss of them all on your lips before he pulls out, the mix of both of your cum spilling out in the process. 

“We need to get cleaned up,” Jungkook chuckles. You can’t help but laugh along with him.

“Yeah, probably need a shower,” you agree. 

“Let me check if the coast is clear,” Jungkook says and gets out of bed to pull on some boxers. He disappears out the door and you hear him out in the living room before he’s appearing back in the doorway. He’s got a smirk when you look over at him.

“Busted?” you ask.

“Better, he says he won’t be back until after dinner at least,” Jungkook says.

“Okay, sometimes he’s not the worst,” you admit.

“So shower?” Jungkook asks hopefully.

“Jungkook, I am not fucking you in the shower, do you remember that one time we tried?” you ask and he’s all smiles.

“Can you blame me for trying?” he asks. You’re so hopelessly endeared that it’s actually a little sickening. You’re also about to answer when he hops back into bed nearly on top of you.

“Jungkook, we have to clean up,” you say through a laugh.

“I don’t care, I’m just happy,” he says.

And that’s just it, isn’t it? That one word perfectly sums up how you’re feeling, too. This, with him, is what happy feels like. The lightness in your chest is only further confirmation.

You shoot down shower sex again, suggesting that maybe you should just shower separately to avoid anything awkward. But that doesn’t stop the two of you rolling to the other side of the bed to continue kissing each other. Doesn’t stop the kisses getting deeper. Doesn’t stop Jungkook kissing down your body until he gets between your thighs. Doesn’t stop him from going down on you and making you come hard on his tongue. 

It’s probably good, you think as you’re heading off to actually shower, that Jungkook sends his roommate a text that he may not want to rush back. It should be embarrassing how quickly Mingyu says he’ll just be home in the morning. Or that he knows exactly what’s happening. All you can think about, though, is the overwhelming feelings for this man.

(Well, you try to shower and remind Jungkook that shower sex was a disaster. But with his roommate gone, that doesn’t stop him from bending you over the counter and fucking you. It also shouldn’t be hot but you love the way you can watch him in the mirror. In almost know time he’s pulling yet another orgasm out of you and you’re not even sure if you can stand in the shower.)

There’s a loud knock on the bedroom door seconds before a louder voice carries through it. “This is your 30-second warning, I hope you’re dressed.” 

He doesn’t even give you that amount of time before he’s opening the door. And it’s fine, because you have one of Jungkook’s t-shirts on and he’s got boxers on. So you’re at least partially dressed.

“Oh, you are dressed, that’s so boring,” Mingyu whines, throws in a pout for good measure. 

“Don’t be weird,” Jungkook says. 

“Pot, meet kettle,” Mingyu starts but has to dodge the pillow Jungkook throws. 

“Out,” Jungkook says. 

“Is that any way to talk to someone who’s making breakfast?” Mingyu chides. 

“Oooh you cooked?” you ask. 

“You never get that excited when I offer to cook,” Jungkook whines.

“Out of the honeymoon phase already?” Mingyu asks and pretends to grimace.

“Babe, you don’t know how to cook and you won’t let him teach you,” you respond. 

“Yes, I am cooking, we’re celebrating,” Mingyu says.

“Celebrating what?” Jungkook asks. 

“Someone finally getting her head out of her ass and realizing how amazing my roommate is,” Mingyu says and is out the door before you can hit him with a pillow. 

“Breakfast does sound good,” Jungkook says, a little shy.

“Okay, but then can we talk afterward?” you ask.

He nods. 

Breakfast is good, but it comes with a side of The Talk from Mingyu before you even get to eat. Jungkook wanted to shower quickly before eating, and that’s fine. You’ve been alone with Mingyu before when you’ve been over at their apartment. He tries to make it a serious talk, telling you that he’ll come after you if you ever hurt Jungkook. It’s just, well it’s a little hard to take him completely seriously with his threats when he’s like the personification of a golden retriever. You do mean it, though, when you say you’re in this for real, that you care deeply about Jungkook. That you know it’s been hell for the last while and you’re so sorry it took you this long to see what was there all along.

After breakfast, some of the best waffles you’ve ever had, Mingyu leaves to go see a friend of his. And you all know it’s at least in part to give you and Jungkook time to talk. Still, you appreciate that he’s giving you the space you need to sort this all out. 

“I don’t wanna pop this little bubble, but I think we have to talk about us,” you say when you and Jungkook are settled on the couch. 

“I’m not sure how much there is to talk about?” Jungkook admits. 

“Well, for starters, I need to know if you can actually forgive me,” you say. Jungkook opens his mouth, but you’re quick to continue, “and please really think about that, Jungkook.” 

“I mean it when I say that it was mostly fine. I knew what I was getting into almost from the beginning. It was obvious you had some shit to sort through,” Jungkook says after a moment. “And I felt like you were always honest with me about everything.”

“And the times it wasn’t fine?” you prompt. 

Jungkook takes a deep breath. “Yeah, those times kinda sucked. Like when you came home drunk that night after you talked to him and you called him Hobi.” 

“I was so happy to see you, I don’t even remember calling him that,” you say.

“I knew it didn’t mean anything, I assumed it was just a slip, but it hurt my heart for a minute thinking you were just going to fall back into step with him,” Jungkook says. 

“I can see that,” you acknowledge. “What about when I told you that I was going to go talk to him about whatever the feelings were?” 

“I was, well I don’t know, I wasn’t really sure. I really wanted to be there for you because you’re such an amazing person and I do want the best for you,” he says and you find yourself studying his face. Finding more expressions there than you’re used to seeing. 

“You just wanted to be the best for me,” you finish and he nods. 

“I know I should’ve just told you how I felt and asked you to stay. But, I don’t know, there was this part of me that thought if you didn’t at least talk to him…” Jungkook trails off, unsure how to finish the sentence. “There was a part of me that thought if I asked you to stay, and you did, we’d both be wondering with him like hanging over our heads.”

“Honestly, I don’t think I had the right to ask that of you, or to even expect it,” you say. “I never really let you know where I was at.”

“You did,” Jungkook says and that surprises you. “I could always tell. I knew what I meant to you and I was…I was a little scared, even knowing how much you liked me, to just ask for it to be more.” 

“I thought you didn’t want more either,” you nearly whisper.

“I didn’t, not when we met at least. I thought being with you would just be easy and casual and what we both needed,” Jungkook says with a chuckle.

“I don’t know that I’m easy,” you grimace.

“You are, what wasn’t easy was slowly falling for you. I’m not used to being the one falling first,” Jungkook says.

“I’m so sorry, Jungkook,” you say, “I would take it all back if I could.” 

“I wouldn’t,” Jungkook disagrees. “I think we both needed to go through that to get here.” 

“And this is somewhere you want to be? Here with me?” you ask, more honest than you’ve been in awhile. 

“Yeah, I do,” he says immediately. “You said I deserved to know I was someone’s first choice and you do too.” 

“I want you to know that I do realize I was unfair to you and that’s not something I want to ever do again,” you say carefully.

Jungkook takes one of your hands in his, always so thoughtful. “We all make choices we’d change if we could, but you chose to be here. You’re acknowledging it, so I think we can take that and move forward.” 

“I wanna be clear about where we are though,” you say.

“I’m sure you want to take it slow, this is all kind of new territory for us,” Jungkook says. 

“No, that’s not it,” you say and watch his face. “I mean, we can take it at whatever pace you want, I just mean I want to be clear. This is a relationship and I’m serious about it just being you and me. I don’t want there to be any confusion in defining it.”

“I don’t think there’s any confusion,” Jungkook laughs. “But yeah, I’m on board for that. We can figure out the rest of what a serious relationship looks like as we go.”

“Together?” you ask and he smiles your favorite smile. The one where his nose crinkles and you can see his slightly-too-big front teeth and his eyes seem to sparkle. 

“Always,” he says. 

thank you for reading and for sticking with me through this, i hope you enjoyed it <3

[kthyg]

ghoul. — (rhapsodies)

[SPECIAL INSTALMENT: (CHRISTMAS) RHAPSODIES]

pairing: ot7 x reader

rating: 13+

genre: tokyo ghoul au, soulmate au, fluff

disclaimer: this story is a work of fiction. descriptions of the BTS members in this story does not reflect nor portray them in real life. everything in this story only fits in imagination and does not apply outside of imagination.

warning: nothing much, just; domestic yoongi, domestic jin, lots of soft kisses, hugging, an emotional and sentimental moment with yoongi and his first love, cannibalism joke (just once from tae). japanese terms of endearment are used in this by jin and tae.

word count:

lexicon & profiles | masterpost | masterlist | navigation

note from winter 💌:

this is my first christmas fic - yeayy!! also this is just my poor excuse to be extra emotional and sentimental idk idk i want to give a nice scene for my ghoul babies bcs ik they wont hv a nice scene for some time in normal ver ha ah ha ah…

this instalment is the softest I've ever written...

its been a long time since I write a story based on a song. the last time was winter flower by younha ft rm, a story about a girl healing from depression but reached a point where she couldn't handle it anymore, suddenly wanting to end everything. it was a open ending story tho :) anddd now rhapsodies joins as the second story that is based on a song.

also, just a friendly reminder that rhapsodies is not sharing the same timeline as the released chapters of ghoul. if possible, its a future story but whatever information (such as relationship, places, etc...) in this instalment is valid for the alt story and main story :D

ok so i don’t really celebrate christmas but i think i kind of know the feeling (not 100% because i would love to celebrate holiday season with snow ;-;) because i have gone through it with my maternal relatives - i joined them during 2019’s christmas! 🫶🏻

I HOPE IT ISNT TOO LATE FOR A CHRISTMAS GIFT 🥹 (be nice w me this is the first time i've ever written a full fluff)

💌 what is winter listening to? : first love by bts (suga) & piano ver by smyang piano, first love by hikaru utada, christmas tree by v, my dearest by amalee (original by supercell).

📝 if you want to know more about this au, you can refer to lexicon & profiles. any other questions you can refer to me !!

dedication: to my first love.

              Snow has been falling for days now, piling into a thick layer of what looked like shaved ice on almost everything. It was a special evening today; your squad, the Q squad was preparing to celebrate Christmas. You and Yoongi had invited the others; Taehyung, Jungkook, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin – your and Yoongi's soulmates, - Rosé, Mingyu, Minghao and Sunoo.

              You sat comfortably and warmly in the company of the fireplace and your members, Jisoo, and Lisa, as the three of you decorated the Christmas tree. The pine tree that stood mightily in front of you was a real deal, all thanks to Namjoon.

              When you told him you have always celebrated with the artificial one with your loyal friend, Somi, during your days in the Jeon Quarter, he immediately told you he would buy the real one just for you. He had done the same thing for Jungkook back then because unlike you, Jungkook couldn't even celebrate the festive season during his childhood.

              You could've disagreed and told him to get the artificial one, but all your soulmates agreed with Namjoon before you could even voice your opinion and defeatedly accepted his decision. You couldn't stop him from doing things his way – The strong-headed Kim Namjoon.

              The crackling fire sound was soothing to your ears. The warmth of the fire was very inviting for you to jump to the couch and wrap yourself with a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate providing extra warmth in your palm.

              Curling into a ball, basking in the heavenly warmth on this cold day; you could always do that any other time. As you and your friends decorated the tree in meaningful silence, the doorbell rang, disrupting the silence.

              "Can someone go get the door?" Jin yelled out the request from the kitchen.

              Jisoo immediately got on her feet as she volunteered with a cheery smile, "On it!" But her smile was quick to fade once she reached the door and opened it as she mumbled in a boring tone. "Oh, it's you…"

              Greeting with an equally boring tone, "Save the disappointment for another day, 'lil sis," Taehyung rolled his eyes. "I'm here for my lovers anyways."

              "Who's at the door, Soo-ya?" You asked, making your way towards the door. Once you've seen the invited guest, you beamed, "Oh–! Hi, V."

              "Hi, hime," he opened his arms as an invitation for you to slot in and you did. He smooched the crown of your head lovingly as the lovely nickname spilt from his lips warmed your cheeks.

              "Come in," you broke the hug and ushered him to step in. "Jin's in the kitchen preparing food for tonight, and Yoongi's in his room."

              "(Y/N)!" Jin called for you. "Can you help me here?"

              "Be there in a second!" You responded and turned back to your soulmate with a welcoming smile, you told him, "Make yourself at home, Tae."

              Once you were completely out of their vision, the silence was loud, "Don't get too comfortable," Jisoo narrowed her eyes at her brother.

              "Stop being so hostile," he sighed deeply. "It's Christmas, for God's sake."

              "Hostility is subjective," she retorted.

              "It will be objective today or I'll have your half-human flesh as dinner tonight."

              "Obscene!" She gasped out loud as her hand reached out to slap Taehyung's shoulder, offended.

              "Jisoo, the Christmas tree isn't going to decorate itself!" Lisa shouted from the living room.

              "Of course it won't, Lisa!" She huffed but obliged either way as she turned towards to living room, continuing decorating the Christmas tree.

              The kitchen was filled with the heavenly and divine smell of delicious meals being cooked. Jin multitasked his way through the kitchen since the afternoon. Yoongi has been helping him but he retreated to his room after some time now.

              "Hey, kareshi," your arms snaked around his waist as you hugged him from the back, chin resting on his shoulder as you asked, "What do you need help with?"

              "Hello, kanojo," his thumb brushed across the skin of your hand that was wrapped around his waist lovingly and softly. "Who was that?"

              "It's Taehyung," you told him.

              "He's early," he mused to himself. He turned around to face you as he rested his arms on your shoulders, lazily slinging them around you. "Can you help me with the chicken?"

              "Of course," you smiled.

              Jin lowered his face, killing the distance between your face and his as he placed a quick kiss on your lips. It was a short moment of two lips having contacted but the heat still flared up to your cheeks and your stomach filled with butterflies.

              "It won't be long; you can check on Yoongi in his room after you're done."

You stifled a giggle with a frown, "I didn't even tell you I was going to check on him."

"Soulmate instinct," he winked at you and stole yet another kiss from you. This time he remained a bit longer. No tongues were involved as it was purely lips-to-lips interaction but were enough to be a very meaningful kiss.

              A frown on his temple, fingers cupping his chin as Jungkook pondered. He and Namjoon were on their way to Yoongi's squad apartment but decided to stop by the 5th ward mall because Jungkook decided to buy a present for you. He knew you had told all of them to not buy you anything, but he was never the one to listen, so here he was. 

"What should I give (Y/N) for Christmas?" Jungkook asked his companion as they walked into the mall. The mall was decorated with Christmas lights, trees, and all other related decorations. The branded stores also decorated up to the session and released brand new items to fit into the festive session.

              "A lingerie?" Namjoon suggested mindlessly.

              "What the fuck, hyung." Again, a deep frown found its place on Jungkook's forehead at his soulmate's idea.

              "It's a suggestion." He shrugged.

              "Well, what do I buy her lingerie for?" The younger cast cursory glances at the stores. Feet had their own mind as Jungkook walked to wherever his feet took him, and Namjoon followed suit.

              Having a late realisation, Jungkook's eyes widened, "Are you hinting I should fuck her tonight? At Yoongi's apartment?"

              Namjoon gave his soulmate a side glance, "Not a bad idea?" then he shrugged, "I would prefer calling it love making though, since it's Christmas."

              Jungkook let silence be the language between them as they continued to stroll around the mall until there was nothing to be explored but as if the brain had relied on the conversation they just shared, their feet stopped in front of a lingerie store.

              "Maybe it's not a bad idea after all."

              "Told you." And Namjoon walked into the store with Jungkook trailing behind.

              "Jimin put that down."

              Hoseok's deep voice burst Jimin's little bubble of fantasy as he glared at the younger. "What? Hyung, no," he flashed his soulmate the white fluffy tail butt plug and a pair of white fur cat ears. "This is cute!"

              The other only gave him a dirty look, "You're just kinky."

              Jimin had heard that almost every time, he was shameless and immune to it. 'Kinky' has probably become a compliment for him now. He would be more than proud if someone called him so.

              "You would like it if it's on (Y/N)," you would definitely look cute in this, no doubt.

              The tail-like butt plug inserted in your arsehole, leaving your pussy dripping with wetness, and the cute cat ears to match the tail. You'd look so pliant and submissive, and with that costume, it would give an extra hardness, extra adrenaline rush, blood rush down to their cocks–

              "Or unless you'd like it on you?"

              Flabbergasted, heat rushed to Hoseok's face both from embarrassment (for thinking about you in a public setting and popping a boner) and humiliation (from Jimin's sexual innuendo), "Hah – whatthefuck, shut up Jimin!"

              "That's what I thought," he has a smug grin tugging on his lips.

              "Thank you for purchasing!"

              What.

              "Jimin!" No way he actually bought it.

              Well, you'd look cute either way.

              Yoongi wasn't in his room.

              And when that happened, he could only be in one place. You stood in front of the door – the door to the space where he found solace at any time given.

              You have been in there with him occasionally. The two of you would sit in silence, content with just the presence of each other as the bright stars in the dark sky became the only source of entertainment most of the time you and him were in the room.

              On rare occasions, Yoongi would sit on the brown piano, you next to him and play you a piece that never told you the name of it even when you had asked about it. He would brush the question away with a kiss on your temple and the same word "Untitled".

              And right before you, the sound of the 'Untitled' piece was playing. Your hand reached to knock on the door, "Yoongi?"

              "Kitten," his voice was mellow as he answered you. "Come in."

              Stepping in, you took in your surroundings. It was the same as when you last saw it. There wasn't much to keep a tab on the room except for the brown piano that settled on one side of the corner, the only furniture in this spacious room of nostalgia – as Yoongi would call it.  "What are you doing here alone?"

              "I'm not alone," he told you. He was sitting on the piano stool as his fingers rested in between the keys. "I'm with my first love." He looked at the piano fondly before he brought his gaze to you with equal, or if could, greater fondness.

              "First love?" You asked as you approached him. The room was dark with no source of light except for the sun outside. The sun was slipping, creating a glorious conflagration that blazed fiery colours. They appeared silky, smooth combinations of red, yellow, and blue in the sky that illuminated the room, colouring it like the sky.

              "The piano," his hand reached out to take yours in his, guiding you towards the seat next to him. "The first thing I learn to love."

              Placing your fingers delicately on the piano keys, you pressed the keys of Yoongi's favourite piece, the one he named 'Untitled'. You didn't play it until the end although you did remember the whole piece just from listening to him playing it. Reaching the last note of the piece, your fingers retreated from the keys. "Do you want to tell me about your first love story?"

              Your voice has always been so soft, delicate, and mellow. Who was Yoongi to reject your request? Maybe it was the time you knew the meaning behind the piece you had just played that you learned by heart from him. Chuckling, his fingers started to move around the keys as he silently answered your request.

              "From the corner of my memory, in the corner of my childhood house," fingers leisurely hit the keys. "A piano was there."

              "Hmm?" Your fingers joined his on the keys, as you played to harmonise with him. "What colour was it?"

              "Brown," he breathed out. "A brown piano settled on one side."

              He continued, "I remember that moment, where I was barely any taller than the brown piano. I looked up to it, because of my height but also because I was in awe. I yearned for it the moment I had touched it my little fingers."

              "It felt nice, I told my mom." His fingers pressed on the last notes before changing to another key. "I was content. Just from looking at it. It felt so nice that I played, however, my fingers wanted and even then, I still didn't know its significance."

              "It's nice that you know your first love even as a child."

              "What's your first love, kitten?" He asked, fingers still on the keys.

              Yours too, on the white jade-like keys, as you answered him, eyes closed. "Us."

              You continued, "I didn't understand the concept of first love back then, but my parents could easily be my first love, but I know I love them from the moment I was brought to this world. I didn't learn to love them because by default, I have already loved them. They were my unconditional love."

              Your fingers paused mid-air, "First love," resumed, "It can be interpreted in many ways,"

              The first time you learn how to truly love,

              The first time you love,

              The first time you felt truly loved,

              The first time you are loved,

              The first time experiencing the true definition of love.

              "But it will always have the same impact; unforgettable and irreplaceable."

              "True," Yoongi agreed softly, the soulful melody still filling the room.

              The mellow sound that came from the graceful movements of Yoongi's fingers on the piano continued to become honey to your ears. Your fingers were now placed on your lap as you let your lover play the black and whites on his own.

              You turned to look at him, to take in his beautiful side profile. His skin was glowing. His eyes were closed as he focused on letting his digits work their wonders on the eighty-eight.

              He looked stunning.

              Sometimes, less was more, and you didn't need to elaborate more on Yoongi's majestic presence.

              Ethereal.

              "First love isn't always sunshine and rainbows," he told you once he finally opened his eyes, his fingers had stopped, leaving the last note he had pressed echoing around the room. "Back then during my elementary school days, I remember, I was finally taller than the piano."

              "But dust was piling on top of the white jade-like keys. I neglected it when I yearned for it so much. I still failed to see its significance," his fingers were like a feather as he ghosted his fingertips on the keys.

              Melancholy as he continued, "Until a day came that marked the last day of the piano."

              "Don't feel sorry for not recognising the significance or recognising it late," you told him.

              Your fingers raised in the air and were softly placed on the right keys as you pressed. Fingers had their own mind as they danced on the black and whites, continuing where he had left. "Don't worry even if I leave. You will do well on your own. Though it is an end to our relationship, greet me happily when we meet again, no matter in what form."

              Yoongi looked at you with acute nostalgia. One hand of yours left the bar of whites and blacks as you reached for his hand, "Let's give a proper greeting to your first love."

The brown piano that stood mightily in front of you was the exact brand of piano Yoongi had back then. It might not be the original form of his first love, but in whatever form a piano could be, it will still be the first love of Yoongi.

              "Let's finish this piece together."

              Even though I was gone for a long time,

              Without repulsion,

              You accepted me.

              His fingers picked up where they had left as he confessed, "You may not be my first love, but you and the others will always be my eternal love. The people I loved, love and will love for eternity."

              Even when I pushed you away,

              Even when I resented meeting you,

              You were firmly by my side.

              "I wish to love you the way of my first love, I want to love you every day."

              So don't ever let go of my hand.

              I won't let you go ever again either.

              "If there comes a day where we have to end everything the eight of us share, I wish to continue loving you, every day until my days end."

              The two of you hit the last keys, and as if feathers, fingers were lifted slowly and smoothly from the keys. The piece came to an end. It came to a meaningful end. An end that filled with so many emotions. Conflicted at first but harmonised in the end.

              "I love you, (Y/N)."

              "I love you too, with all of me."

              The sun slipped completely away from the horizon as the light on the sky was then replaced with clouds of dust of bright, shining stars;

              A kiss sealed the vow.

–

              The food was almost done by the time you entered the kitchen with Yoongi. Jin was preparing the plates and utensils along with the dishes to be put on the table with the help of his younger sister and Lisa. You and Yoongi joined them to help but Jin shook his head and said that everything was almost done and asked the two of you to accompany Taehyung into the living room.

              When your feet strode towards the living room, the doorbell suddenly rang again, making you halt in your steps along with Yoongi as you looked at him, "I think that's the remaining guests," you motioned him to sit with Taehyung as you walked towards the door. "Let me get the door."

              Once you twisted the doorknob to open, you were greeted with two figures, both having muscular build and cute faces, carrying almost the same aura had you not known these guys like the back of your hand.

              Namjoon was the first to greet you as he pulled you into a hug, "Merry Christmas, princess," he kissed your cheeks before going for your lips. You savoured the feeling of his plush lips on yours.

              He pulled back and said, "Apologies for our delay."

              Jungkook was quick to lock you into a tight hug and cradle your head in his arms. You returned his hug with equal enthusiasm before replying to Namjoon, "No, don't worry. You guys are not late at all," you broke the hug, much to Jungkook's displeasure as he whined at the loss of warm contact.

              "Plus, Jinnie just finished cooking," you added.

              The sound of a car's nearing the neighbourhood made Jungkook whip his head towards that direction. Recognising the car and the wild skill of driving (no value for both life and the car; Jimin), he said, "I think that's Jimin and Hoseok."

              The three of you watched as Jimin safely and perfectly parallel-parked his car next to Taehyung's. Hoseok got out of the car and appeared to be nagging about something as his mouth danced at a fast pace with a frown etched on his forehead.

              Probably nagging at Jimin, again, for his reckless driving.

              When Hoseok neared the entrance where you, Namjoon, and Jungkook stood, his eyes shone with bright felicity as he waved enthusiastically in your direction. His lips could practically be seen as a lovely heart shape with perfectly aligned teeth to complement his charming look.

              "My lady," He reached for your hand to kiss your knuckles. "Hello, lovely ladybug."

              "Hello, Hobi," you gave his cheek a quick peck before he moved on to greet his other soulmates with the same gesture.

              "Doll," Jimin was like a wind as one second, he was right behind Hoseok and the next second, he was already in front of you while his arms snaked around your waist, locking them to leave no room for space between you and him. His nose caressed yours before his pillowy lips lowered down to seal a kiss with your lips.

              Pulling away at a small distance, breath mingled with his as you wished him, "Merry Christmas, prince charming," and he took your lips on his again. Your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer.

              After some moment, you pulled away – because you knew he wouldn't – to let him greet his other soulmates. Just like Hoseok, Jimin was a fair and equal person as he kissed the others as well. When you thought no one else was coming, a female figure was approaching, and it was a figure you knew so well.

              "Rosie, my favourite flower!" You ran towards her with a gleeful smile. Arms opened as an invitation for her to intertwine and exchange body heat with you.

              Finally reaching you, she wrapped you with her winter coat, "(Y/N), my favourite person!"

              "You walked here?"

              She nodded, "The distance between R squad house and Q's is not that far, you know that!"

              Giggling, you broke the hug and walked her towards the door where all your soulmates have been watching your interaction with Jimin's younger sister. Once you reached them, Jimin snatched– pulled you to his side – to which Rosie rolled her eyes at her brother's unspoken possessive act.

              "Ahem," a voice interrupted.

              "Gyu!" A gasp escaped your throat once your eyes landed on the newcomer – or newcomers, plural because he wasn't alone. "I thought you wouldn't come."

              Another figure approached your crowd, and you couldn't help but smile once you saw who it was. It has been so long since you've seen them because Gyu's squad was assigned to a mission in China. Minghao reached out to you for a greeting hug as jested on his soulmate, "He? Wouldn't come? He was literally so excited when you sent us the invitation."

              "Of course, I would come, lotus," Mingyu rolled his eyes at him and come to join your hug with Minghao. "I'm your life-time partner."

              "We are partners," Minghao italicised. He then directed his full attention on you as he nuzzled his face in your neck. "I miss you, dainty lotus." Although the hug didn't last long because you were pulled away by none other than Jimin. Minghao was bewildered at the sudden loss of warmth, but Rosie patted his shoulder with a shake of her head, "Don't mind it."

              Another voice entered the scene with sassiness, "Are you guys done yet?"

              Sunoo walked to the door of the house. He had arrived shortly after Taehyung and helped Jin in the kitchen. He crossed his arms as he said, "Close the door because it's so freaking cold outside."

              "Jeez, Sunoo," Minghao slung his arms around the younger's shoulders. "Cut that sassiness, it's Christmas!"

              Rosé jumped on the duo cheerfully, "Right? Chill a bit," she said with a light tone.

              "I am chill," he slapped Minghao's chest playfully. "Just close the door and get it you guys. It's freezing outside."

              You chuckled before urging them to get warm inside. Jimin was still by your side as all of them walked towards the living room until he saw Taehyung on the couch. All your soulmates that have just newly come immediately greeted him. Jimin hogged him and smothered him with kisses on the face and one deep kiss on the lips. You watched the duo fondly. The eight of you might have shared a deep bond but maybe Jimin and Taehyung shared an even deeper bond with each other, and you admired it.

              You saw Yoongi already making his way towards you and with expectant arms, you welcomed him into your embrace as he slotted in perfectly by your side. It brought back old memories where you had always thought Yoongi was a person that hates physical touch, though it was true to an extent because he was only touchy with his soulmates and especially with you but loathed having skin contact even the slightest with other than listed.

              "Merry Christmas, guys," Jin walked into the living space as he greeted them one by one including your friends. The apron that he has been stuck with has finally been removed from his body and his clothes have changed. "Let's eat before the food gets cold."

              You let yourself be situated in between Namjoon and Hoseok at the dining table and enjoyed the food Jin had cooked with so much love – helped by your members and Sunoo as well – The room was filled with chatter and laughter as the food goes down into everyone's stomach. They went from KCCG matters, as you asked Mingyu and Minghao about their mission in China – you knew they wouldn't have a difficult time in China given that Minghao knew the way around the country – to some random topic to not let an awkward silence fill in the room.

              Before Christmas, all of them including you had made an astounding achievement that you would like to consider this Christmas celebration as a celebration not just for the festive season but also for them. Rosé and Tae's squads joined hands in the 2nd Wipe Out Operation conducted by Namjoon, S2 Squad; you, Jimin, Jungkook, Jin and Yoongi, was successful during the Owl Suppression Operation that was led by Hoseok, and the latest; Mingyu and Minghao's mission in China.

              It has been a tough, hectic weeks, but everything was successful and everyone was safe as they returned in one piece. You were glad your soulmates were willing to celebrate Christmas along with your friends – especially Mingyu and Minghao. You knew your soulmates would very much want to celebrate this festive season with the company of eight, and that was why you were glad they had agreed to celebrate it together.

              Also given that it was the first Christmas you got to celebrate with your soulmates.

              The first Christmas where you get to celebrate with your loved ones, your first love.

              The first Christmas you get to create lots of memorable memories with your loved ones.

              It was the very first true Christmas you celebrated after your parents' death.

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[athousandmorningss]

Not that you asked.

Couldn't make myself board my train yesterday, and so delayed my arrival home until the middle of the week. I'm feeling a bit anxious about it, like I'm being too self-indulgent (and my wallet is echoing the same sentiment), but I'm tryna rationalize with a) I am teaching online classes RN, and have several more starting in a few weeks, and so am actively making money b) I was asked to teach a face to face course with the promise, that if I did, I'd be given as many online sections as I prefer and c) It's a long weekend, and I'd rather spend it in the city then on my way home. Today I'm ganna do a nice long wandering walk by the water, come back to the hotel and get a swim in, and be in bed by early evening to watch my Bravo shows :D.

-

I need a minute to parse my experience of being back home (or home adjacent, Idk where home is). I stayed with BF (J) for the first part of my trip. It was fun in a lot of different ways: we went to a butterfly museum and to the top of mt.sugaloaf, the beach, walkin, one night got high AF with the whole family and decided to watch Pee Wee's Big Adventures. The way J's mom said PeeWee; her husbands high giggling; the fact that we were all watching PeeWee made me laugh and laugh and laugh. They are weird people and I love that about them.

J and I got into it, though. At brunch, she pointed out a perceived trait of mine but articulated it in a very cruel way. It felt exactly like how Y used to make me feel: small and stupid. She apologized and admitted that she'd "channeled y" via her comment, and felt terrible. The disagreement encouraged us to communicate clearly about it, to listen and hear each other. I initially felt glad that we'd discussed it, but began to feel this pervasive sense that I was being watched, judged and evaluated for my behavior throughout. I felt uncomfortable. I also felt uncomfortable with the way J talks to her youngest sister. Again, it reminds me exactly how Y would talk to me. I'd argue that J is emotionally abusive to her sister, and it was uncomfortable to bear witness to.

Loving people is hard: J & I talk every day, we have a fun and supportive relationship, she has been beyond supportive about my divorce. She's done some interpersonal work that I'm really proud of, she's incredibly goofy and funny, etc. Yet being around her after the first two days became uncomfortable, and I'm not sure what to do or how to process those tensions.

-

Met another friend in the city, and this also felt uncomfortable to me. We were really close for many, many years but have started to drift. I just. I'll say this. I will not be a receptacle for anyone's envy or jealousy. I am not in competition with anyone.

-

I have a complex relationship to/with relationships and people in general. A part of me really pines to be in and with connection to others. Another part of me feels drained by the presence of others. I noted, while being in the presence of J and her family, how much people talk about each other (especially family members gossiping about other family members). I sometimes deeply miss having a family, but this dynamic reminded me that much of it often involves (again) being gossiped about or judged. Not having a family affords me a unique freedom: one that saddens me and liberates me at the same time.

-

Kate Bolick writes, in Spinster: Making a Life of One's Own, "I built, then, my own kingdom according to me own laws, and when the sun beat down, it beat down only on me, and when my feet acclimated to the freezing water, it was my resilience that made this so. My experience of being alone was total."

My Big Solo trip has felt a manifestation of the above: I am buoyed by my own curiosities; led by my singular adventuring: very much alone, both saddened and hopeful by being expelled beyond the containment of friendship, family, marriage and something bigger than myself.

[wesavegotham]

Batman vs Robin #2 is out today, let's see where this story goes after the first issue failed to excite me.

Beware that I'm going to spoil the entire issue, so if you don't want to know what happens, don't read this post.

To start off, this issue did some things better than the first one and other things...not so much.

After Zatanna showed Bruce a place where they will find answers last issue he and Alfred land at the house of secrets:

(Not sure why there is an editor's note reminding us of something that literally happened at the end of the last issue though)

After a greeting from the caretaker of the house, Abel, it shows Bruce and Alfred how Damian got possessed, starting with a flashback to the final of the Lazarus Tournament arc in Robin:

What I liked about this was the moment Bruce tried to catch Damian to keep him from harm because we finally got something from Bruce we didn't see last issue: concern for Damian's wellbeing.

But otherwise, if you already read Robin (2021) there isn't much new information for the reader here and that's a problem with the entire issue. If you read Robin and World's Finest you already know most of the stuff Bruce learns in this.

Waid tries to justify the necessity for this flashback by explaining that Damian didn't tell Bruce everything that went down on the island because of...reasons, but it still feels a bit redundant. Anyway.

In the second room the house shows them what Mother Soul did after her previous demon was killed:

Waid ties the origins of the Lazarus Pits to the elixir Nezha's father used to bring back Nezha in World's Finest...which is fine I guess, just not something I feel we needed?

Once again, it's good that Bruce is shown to care about Damian more than last issue, but the reader already knows Bruce is dealing with Nezha. This mystery Bruce has to solve is no mystery at all for the reader. Which makes it a bit boring.

After that they meet another occupant of the house, Cynthia:

Honestly, I don't know enough about the Sandman universe to have much of an opinion on the characters in the house. But it is nice to see Bruce knowing immediately that she isn't really Talia because he knows her perfume. I take that as a hint that Waid isn't one of the writers who try to reduce Bruce's relationship with Talia to a short fling that had little meaning to Bruce.

So we find out why and how Damian opened the tomb and the answer is....stupidity? Like, come on, you would think after all the magical artifacts Damian had to steal during his year of blood shown in Robin: Son of Batman that he wouldn't just blindly follow a weird artifact pulling him towards something with so few concerns.

Also...erm...remember the last few issues of Robin? That showed us Flatline giving the heart she ripped out of Damian's chest in Robin #1 to Lord Deathman? Who gave it to Mother Soul who needed it for something related to Nezha, who came to her in a dream long ago according to her? Plus, we saw the scene of Damian arriving at the tomb at the end of the first World's Finest arc and at the end of Robin #17 and Damian didn't have this star shaped key. Some things are not adding up here.

Then again, hopefully that's intentional, since we learn that Damian had control over the house of secrets all along apparently? Does this mean he had control over Zatanna too and made her direct them there? Idk. Anyway, maybe this means that Bruce was given incorrect/incomplete information on purpose and there is more to Damian opening the tomb than we were shown here because that explanation was really disappointing.

Also, if Damian was really stupid enough to open the tomb because of reckless curiousity then...no, I don't think he's smart enough to outthink Batman. He didn't show much intelligence in his fight with Bruce in issue one either.

I always thought the Batman 666 suit was ugly and dumb and putting it on a 14 year old Damian didn't make it better. Putting Damian in a batsuit doesn't make him appear more threatening. It just makes me facepalm.

No, putting the adult sidekicks in front of him doesn't help either. Quite the opposite. This is a kid in an ugly Batman costume. With a bunch of older people serving as his Robins now apparently.

Can Waid please define the rules and limitations for Nezha's posession? How many people can Nezha posess at a time? What prevents him from posessing Batman or simply everyone on earth? What does the possession do and what does it not do? Like, earlier in the issue a posessed Damian didn't seem to approve of what they did to Black Alice:

So he still seems to have some compassion left in him. But he wants to kill Bruce? How does this work exactly? It's all too vague for my liking.

Anyway, the issue ends with the reveal that:

...this seemingly isn't Alfred at all, but Nezha instead, watching every step Bruce takes.

But if that is the case, why did he interfere when Damian tried to kill Bruce in the batcave? Did Nezha want Damian to fail for some reason?

I guess I'm genuinely intrigued to find out if all of these inconsistencies are itentional or not. But if it turns out that they weren't...well then this issue was a bit boring. At least if you read the stories this spun out of.

But it was nice to see Bruce care more about Damian here than in the previous issue, which had really kept me from getting invested in yet another Bruce vs Damian conflict. A story like this one simply doesn't work if the protagonist doesn't show care for the posessed person he's forced to fight against.

[pinterestinfluencer]

so does anyone else have a boss thats like really fun 95% of the time and helpful and supportive and understanding but will sometimes get very stressed out and frustrated and then snap at you for like no reason bc if so how do you deal w it and let them know that theyre behavior isnt productive etc etc etc. like when this would happen she used to just be like Overly nice afterwards bc she clearly felt bad. and this time today she apologized but i was like no its so fine youre really stressed out and everything sucks fuck these clients whatever but idk if i should just hop on her apology if it happens next time. Because we are back to working goofing off having fun now and im over it, and I really mean that it’s pretty rare, like once a month, and when i say i love my job and my boss the rest of the time i really really mean that. but it does frustrate me bc no matter how stressed i get id never do that because she is my BOSS. and more than anything it reminds me that theres a disparity in our professional relationship. theres no hr this is a three person firm. Also whats concerning is that I know some of the reason why she doesnt get stressed or snap more often is just because i am incredibly good at my job. but my competency is not really something id want to rely on especially since im also training someone who i want to STAY and i dont want my boss to get frustrated with her say something and then have her leave ☹️

[blu3st4rzsysbl0g]

5/10/24 (5/11 at the time of writing this) Friday

school went as it usually does, which is basically not anything noteworthy, Marcie started this account after getting Ashton to approve of it so that's fun and cool I (AL) was fronting for most of the idea, Marcie kinda popped in last night after we had a bit of a meltdown so i've been getting to know her a little...she's fun, gives me cool older sister vibes (might just be because she's older than me)

most notable bit was it was Friday so we got pizza for lunch, ate alone per usual while watching a kurtis conner video on yt lol, did some drawing for Marcie's intro as well as my own that i'll probably get to tomorrow...idk we'll see ig, we also had a huge assemble today so we had to deal with that, got really blurry in the crowd while listening to the teachers scold the middle schoolers (i dont see why we had to be there since we're in highschool) lucky its the last assembly of the year, since our school has all school (k-12) meetings every month

Sock's sibling is home from college for the summer! they came to pick us up from school, so it was a fun drive catching up with them, let Sock front for that mostly, it's been around three weeks since I've seen him pop up, life's been too miserable for him ig, still front stuck (around 140 days atp) so that's great...maybe Marcie figured i was going insane being here for so long, who knows!

got home to our mother's house and got to talk to her for a while, ride there was fun too getting to talk to both our siblings, Sock fronted for most of that but walked off once dinner started (i barely even noticed him leave tbh..)

after dinner i drew some more art, Normal came into front because he heard about the blog..said he wanted to make an intro so I drew him a faceclaim, usually we could use fanart since he has a source (Normal Oak from Dndads) but since we're doing the intros I think it's more fun to actually draw him, especially since i like drawing his source anyway

Ashton was in the front room hanging around for a while eating mental-mcdonalds, idk why, but Normal started talking to him, said he reminds him of his uncle i guess? Normal is a pretty nice but kinda sad kid...it was something to witness. Norm's also got some daddy issues and Ash is a pretty prominent father figure...kinda like Joel from the Last of Us tbh...Sock and him have had a kinda father-son relationship since he formed back in 2021 (Sock wants me to add that they think its funny that there's a weird phenomenon in the system where all the teen alters tend to annoy the hell out of him lol...notably i dyed our hair three times w/o consulting him or anyone so i wouldnt say im exempt from this observation)

anyway, Sock called some of our friends for a bit (after practically ghosting them for like a month lol) played on my Stardew Valley file, thirsted over Harvey (Sock's aroace...idk what's wrong with him /aff) he had told our friends abt my little front stucky situation, (they're convinced i lost my mind because of how many times i changed our appearance drastically in the time ive been here...i dont deny this accusation) Sock also got Ash to try a Baja Blast for the first time, "It tastes like a heart attack, jesus christ..." is what he had to say...it was the zero sugar kind? idk im kinda addicted to them so

we've got a doctor's appointment fairly early tmrw...we've been having a lot of joint pain lately, our Mom thinks it's arthritis? we're not sure, she's not a doctor so...getting checked out finally! we'll see how that goes, also checking up on some meds stuff...

- AL 🍁 (She/They/He)

[truc0nfessionz]

my heart feels broken.

it’s too often we’re doing this. it’s too much to bear.

i miss you. i love you. i’d do anything to have peace.

i guess that means saying in this case that my feelings are irrelevant. not that it seems like you care.

every time you leave, it adds hurt for me. that’s probably the point today where i realized this was gonna go on the whole day. you are so willing to leave, knowing it will hurt me.

i keep thinking you’re the one. but if you’re the one, why don’t you care how i feel? why would you go to sleep instead of talk things out with me? i know, you have nothing to say. it makes me feel like this doesn’t matter to you at all.

damn.

my heart really hurts. i feel like there are cracks in our relationship that weren’t there before.

i extended the olive branch (or maybe accepted it?) by coming downstairs. that was my act of peace. but somehow when we got upstairs, we’re strangers again.

maybe i responded wrong again. maybe it’s my depression to blame. i just feel like every weekend we’re being brought back here and it’s really fucking me up. it’s really fucking me up.

and idk why. i’ve been through relationship trauma before. a lot of it. this shouldn’t hurt me the way it does, it just shouldn’t. but i’m not as strong as i used to be. i have been through a lot and those scars show.

i hope we make it. i hope we were right that we’re meant to be together. i don’t know how to express to you the magnitude of this relationship in my life.

i guess i’ve never explained how loosely i feel connected to it all to begin with. i’ve never explained how fragile my connection on this earth is. i’ve known a lot of pain in my life from a young age and i’ve always had the thought - wouldn’t it be nice to rest? wouldn’t it be nice to not have these emotions and this pain?

i was 3 years old when i became aware of the fact that i could end my existence on this earth, and may want to. for years at a time, i’ve felt like a ghost walking in this body - i’m here, but just barely. i’m so close to the other side i can feel the cosmic whooshing wind of the universe out there.

when i met you, i remembered how good life could be. i remembered why people stay. and since the last month has been so hard, it’s reminding me that without you here i wasn’t sure how long i’d be around anyway.

those feelings come and go, and i’ve never acted on them. but when we spend hours at a time in these states i can’t help but remember how hard it is to feel heartbroken. and how nice it would be to feel nothing at all.

please lord and universe, guide us. help us. be with us. this i beg and pray.

[dorefasolsido]

21.

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?)

Oh I have no clue. I'm guessing my grandparents from mum's side before my grandpa passed away.

Do you have any Eastern European ancestry?

Yup, probably like 100%. I am Eastern European.

Where is your car parked right now?

I don't have my own car, but my dad's is probably in the garage right now.

When did you last travel alone? Where were you going?

Never travelled all alone, but I'm definitely planning to!

Do you take your shoes off when you come inside?

Duh. I'm usually surprised that some cultures don't do that.

What’s your favorite movie series?

Hmm idk.

How are you feeling today?

Sleepy as hell. I stayed up all night reading Youtube comments like an idiot and got about four hours of sleep in total. So I've been kind of dazed the whole day.

Look to the right - what’s the first thing you see?

My sliding door.

^^ What does that thing remind you of?

Hmm, once I wanted to trap my cousin in the kitchen, so I pushed the sliding door hard, but just at that moment he was coming out, so it smashed right into him. Luckily, he was fine and we just had a good laugh about it, but Jesus.

What was the first color you ever dyed your hair?

Purple.

What is something that’s considered a luxury, but you wouldn’t want to live without?

Food delivery is technically a luxury. And I could live without it, but it would be so much more inconvenient.

Do you want to move anytime soon?

Yes and no. I want to leave this country ASAP, but I also like the flat I have here and this whole roommate thing me and my sister have going on.

Did you have coffee this morning?

I never do.

How good/bad was the quality of education you received in high school?

I don't know, so-so. I think my school was more hyped up as the best in town than it actually was.

What was the most interesting year of your life, and why?

Hmm, maybe 2018. That was the year I graduated, and it was also one of the most social, exciting years of my life. That's also when my grandpa passed away, so it wasn't all good either.

What was the first social media site you ever used?

I'm not sure, but maybe it was Facebook. Or Youtube, which worked more like social media at the time.

Do you have any exes you really regret dating?

Nah, I don't regret relationships of any kind. I learned a lot about myself and other people even from the worst moments.

What brand of laundry detergent do you use?

I'd have to check and I don't feel like it.

Are you prone to mood swings?

Kind of, but they are very much internalized. Like, no one around me would be able to tell that this whole summer I oscillated between feeling miserable and being kind of okay.

Have you ever lied on a resume? Or even in a job interview?

Nah. I may have embellished things a bit when I was more inexperienced, but I've never outright lied.

Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home?

Tbh, although it's technically our house, my mum definitely has the best taste in interior design. Like, she's really amazing at it.

What was the last thing you bought, other than food?

Bus ticket to the city I'm visiting over the weekend.

Do you smoke? Or vape?

Nah.

What are you dreading right now?

Not totally dreading, but that team building event I have on Friday and Saturday. The reason I chose to work remote is so I don't have to interact with people. And yet, here we are.

What brought about the end of the worst relationship you’ve been in?

It all kind of blew up over something totally trivial, but it was because of so much bullshit that preceded it.

Where was the last place you spent the night other than your own home?

My friend's new flat. I stopped by to see it after a night out and then we just chilled until dawn. Then I walked home, since it's not too far from my flat.

Do you have any step- or half-siblings?

Nope.

Have you ever been catcalled?

Yup.

How old were you when you started scheduling your own doctors appointments?

I don't know, and I also don't remember the last time I did.

Have you ever driven across an international border?

I haven't on my own.

When was the last time you spoke to a neighbor?

We usually only exchange hi's when we see each other in the hallway.

Is your best friend male or female?

Female.

When was the last time you washed your bed sheets?

About two weeks ago.

What do people always seem to think is weird about you?

I don't know, I feel like there must be plenty, but it's difficult to say what exactly.

Ever notice how high schools in movies/tv shows are portrayed way differently than in real life?

I mean, sure, but almost everything is. And I'd never watch a TV show that depicted realistic high school. That would be so boring, and I already went through it and have zero desire to revisit, thank you very much.

Do you ever braid your hair?

I used to sometimes, but now I cut it a bit too short for that.

What food sounds the most appetizing right now?

I ate just earlier.

[threephantomrey]

was thinking about my complicated relationship with believing in God and how i’ve never felt his presence or had any supernatural experiences. been thinking about it ever since i saw a butterfly today and it reminded me how one time my sister was talking about a butterfly following her around and my dad going “oh that’s gotta be Nana” (his mom that died a few years ago, we’ve always called her Nana) (i guess he believes that she took the form of a butterfly sometime after her death and followed my sister, which is a nice thought) and i also thought about how one time he told me and my sister that after my aunt’s death (my mom’s sister) she visited him a dream (i think?) and basically told him to tell my mom that she’s okay.

and idk i’ve never had that kind of stuff happen to me. the closest i can think of was the summer after my sophomore year of high school i had a dream that i was climbing up the stairs and i heard a voice say “come into the light, my child” and everything went white before i woke up. idk what that was about. like if it was supposed to be a sign from God or something. i was kind of raised Catholic, and i say kind of cause i’ve always lived a (mostly) secular life. i just took CCD classes on Wednesday’s in elementary school, went a Catholic school from 6th-8th grade and then another Catholic school from 9th-12th grade. i was baptized as a baby, received communion in 2nd grade, and received confirmation in 8th grade, and received penance a few times. and that’s about it. as of right now, i’m just agnostic. but i do believe in souls, i’m not 100% sure if i believe in an afterlife though.

i stopped believing in God in 7th grade, but i can’t remember how much i really believed before that. or if i ever truly did believe in the first place? and is that why i’ve never felt his presence or gotten any signs from him/had a encounter with him? but then i remember hearing stories about people being atheists and then having encounters with God and then i wonder if it’s true, maybe they did something different to get God to speak to them? something they’re not telling us? and i wonder about what it might be. or that if i’m just not good enough for that or not good enough to feel his presence. the only times when i maybe believe again is when i feel like i’m in danger or i can’t sleep at night so i start praying and i’m like “God, if you’re out there and if you’re real, please…” cause idk what else to do.

i’m not making this post to sound sad or say that i want God to speak with me or have a supernatural experience. or that i’m envious of people who have had stuff like this happen to them (being envious is something i struggle with, but not about stuff like this) i’m making it cause this is something i can’t help but think about from time to time. it’s not something i talk about online, and i haven’t been actively trying to avoid it, i just never really felt like talking about it before. but yeah idk if he’s real or if i believe at this point. like i said, it’s complicated.

[castle-dominion]

5x5 probable cause

plot heavy one, idk if I want to watch it rn. Maybe I'll use the extra 20 minutes I won, even tho the dvd set is due soon.

(also just remembered a song: hey dom hey what show me how you buffalo I'll show you how I buffalo with my hands up high & my feet down low, this is how I buffalo buff-alo bu buff-alo, buff-alo, buf buff alo hey next person)

Ok so I did indeed spend some of my minutes reading a fic idea to my brother for his opinion bc he's smart but he gave no thoughts.

Why wouldn't tess pick up the mail? She's dead that's why Oh no blood oh it's still dripping Oh yo that is gross af

lmao castle comes out with a sword Oh yeah. College. Laundry. Oh yeah. College. Visiting home & eating food. RC: what abt your laundry? My lil bro: What about your lung water? love how the guitar sound plays while he toys with the orange juice

Lanie won't sleep for weeks? doctor parish? who works with the dead? who has been to countless murder scenes? probs more than a hundred even Would you need a second person to help you put up the body

it WAS the roommate!

Why is ryan standing facing more to castle than the murder board? ig bc castle is speaking but... Make a copy of the symbol & run it through the internet

saturday, what day is it today? I like how the body is not super fresh like it usually is drugged? yep I was right!

ryan's outfit ooh so so nice. It is nicely woven & I might grab a pic. surgically wiped?

RC: Jewelry. I never would've thought of that. [for the crime finger prints] KB: I guess I'll have to remind you when my birthday's coming up. [telling rick to think of that in a different context] Esposito looks nice & all but he is just wearing a tshirt

Yeah, ok, tons of ppl forget to wipe their fingerprints off the outside of the apartment they just murdered in.

Lol he IS in the system, he has been arrested too much

Interesting editing & stuff. v nice. oh right, dun dun dun it's castle & all that csu got them first? I mean good... they always mess up the crime scenes

I had smth to say but forgot it bc I am not pausing the ep as much as I have in the past. espt has his gun

Not that you KNOW of first name? JE: Contaminated crime scene is not a joke. I'll square this away with CSU. You watch your hands next time, okay?

Looks enough like Someone We Know... Ok but isn't the juvvie file sealed until they actually commit a crime as an adult? This guy has not been proven to have done any crimes yet

Hm. Man has curlier hair than I expected. friday morning, friday evening... Hm I like his shirt. Kind of pink but faint squares patterned on it.

True, he would probably not be flustered

Ah good, they have a diagram of the sigil thing

KB: A diamond earring? KR: We found it in the couch. CSU couldn't pull a print off it, but you see the design? That's custom - Erica Courtney. JE: And you know this how? KR: I recognized it from when Jenny and I went ring shopping. [Esposito gives Ryan a teasingly dubious look.] KR: Anyway,

Looks like Someone We Know you can't see the hair colour there bro. Also othe nose is too long

first names & stuff.

*closes the door after becks leaves but before espt can, right in front of his face* Javi, there's something you need to know

Cut to the shock at finding out abt their relationship He looks ahocked af lmao Normally I'd be happy for them! Also neat to see his financials. Mostly car & cab stuff. A radio donation tho which sounds fun. So many first names this episode

Did I throw a party & forget again? XD At least he is seeing the warrant The way he waited for her to say who bought it for her implies he didn't know LT holding him back THE MUSIC WHEN HER EYES GO TO HIM DANG

If the killer was THAT meticulous, then he would not have left evidence like that in his own apartment

Find evidence. That is your job

When you look through castle's phone records we know well you only learned of it this day my dude reminds me of the "we're detectives" 'called your dad' scene

Yeah. Gates is probs the best for this interrogation His scalp moved lol RC: I'm flattered but it wasn't me! castle it is not best to point fingers away from yourself for the sake of getting them away from you. I mean it is, it is important that they investigate all avenues, but still. How does a burner cell send a messag efrom tess's phone? Paid companion is a nice way to put it

Girl you can check his word count, teachers use that technology to check how students are doing tests. It shows when the changed were made.

love martha's gloves the music is great saying "nobody could have gotten in" is not helpful

Remember back in like s2 or smth when becks said "don't worry castle I'd break you out" it was the galaxy of greg episode, the prison break episode yeah 3x5

the same way as tessa's? But the affair? Seriously? That was included in the details? Oof the music

sitting on the floor hhhh crying hhhhhhhhhhhh maybe he was already writing the dry run & killed her in strangling passion & then he used the written murder (which he as not planning on committing) to hide it & deleted the file to hide that fact

like a little boy so scared sdjdskhfjsh sad sad sad "fun?"

Oooh nice angle babes!

FREAKIN J ROOK? I DID NOT GET A CHANCE TO SEE THAT THE FIRST TIME HOLY CROWS 3XK??? but i don't think human noses can tho... do you legit prefer to go by 3xk? not the triple killer not jerry tyson not any other names you had? (btw, marcus gates killed two women & attempted killing another, NOT jerry tyson. I don't think we have actually seen 3xk kill anyone on the show yet. (I noticed that she was strangled with a scarf or rope when dr parish mentioned it earlier this episode but I didn't want to spoil it)

Yeah he really is thorough isn't he He's right, I did think that while he strangled her she is not blonde. Yeah was the writing style castle's? He already said that he prefers 3xk, ricky four years in prison. He was going to pin it on marcus gates, give his brother the surgery, & marcus would go to prison & then he could go killing again. That was his vanishing act. I thought u said u could smell fear not taste it I can see that. Destroy.. ..you,, better than kill not the daughter, not the making love, this is freaking horrifying, & I kind of love it lies of a desperate man, esp one who writes fiction Wait so you WILL kill him? or get him killed? Look into the guys he hired then! Look into the hitmen! lil bro: Scratch him! Get his DNA under your nails!

I wonder how ryan is reacting to this. castle's blue eyes are colourless in this lighting, I love it.

3xk targeted women to kill, he is not killing castle tho Ooh I always like ryan's square patterned shirts

"not at this time" is a great response

Been to central as a cop or as a prisoner esposito? & I like beckett's turtleneck too

I think Dever's acting is the only thing here,

who the heck is "jav"? That's like if a "P.J." was to go by "Peej" or "P" when PJ is already a nickname for peter jacob or paul james or whatever. lil bro: jav you found any evidence yet?

Oh wait... she is not thinking of holding's security for keeping him, she is thinking of it for breaking him out!! WHO got out of holding? Tyson? No, when? Wasn't it the CIA guy who also took a body? gates was like "how did he walk out the front door?" When was tyson ever in holding? He appeared in 3x6, then his gun in 4x14, & now in 5x5, but he was never in holding. 4x15 pandora thomas gage left holding. OH WAIT TYSON DID IT NOW, TODAY I love him too <3 <3 <3

castle still making jokes That flashback <3 Velasquez & LT! We know both their names! Oof he's just walking thry there, everyone sees him, look at that, also look at those boobs on that man. OH NO WHO TOOK HIM!?!?!?

OH NO 3XK KILLED HIM He IS well connected, he is well connected, has resources, & knows procedure, you're correct So what's our next *turns & becks is gone* ...Move?

Like ryan pretending to be a kid in the library in kick the ballistics man still needs to change his look the less you know DEFINITELY the better

Right! He really is the son of a broadway star

Wow lol weirdos there

wow it IS richard castle See? I said the nose is not right

I have not paused enough & I keep not writing things down but I am running out of my allotted time. Anyway I remember what I forgot: ryan doesn't get a lot of screen time, he is wading thru paperwork, he is messed up with this case, he is hurt & angry & doing everything he can to help castle & get 3xk.

looks "a bit" like the show's producer? yeah no

becks maybe don't reveal that you're with a fugitive...

lmao french serial killer Most ppl don't use initials. Calls them "kev" & "espo" & a little earlier "jav" <3

It is not going to be a person it will be a rotating fan or smth wearing their vests but not castle lol remember when ben conrad who wasn't ben conrad shot someone & then disappeared into the closet or smth? What if 3xk did that & he's still here?

Why is castle still here?

He should become a murder mystery writer then, if he likes the pageantry of killing but death only takes a moment.

VG: For this, at least. There's still the matter of your escape from custody. I like gates' looks right now. rly pretty, nice hair, nice red coat girl he escaped before, I'm sure he can do it again.

This is NOT just a place for a stationary conversation for the point of an interesting director's/writer's choice

running em off the bridge? Haven't we seen that already?

He fell back & she kept shooting, which, good, double tap, but she has decently good aim Is that blood on his face? WHERE did he throw away the gun? don't telegraph your location idiot

that is a lot of bubbling water

IT IS ALREADY DAYTIME & THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED?

just like james gillies. He is NOT that careless you are correct. But then why was he meticulous enough in other places? Because either way he would win? either castle dies & beckett lives knowing he was innocent, or castle escapes but 3xk fakes his death?

Just like derrick storm! It has to be public & it has to be final

For now

Ooh interesting outro music! I freaking love it! I should grab my fiddle! Holy moly! They wree right when they wrote this, it can be groovy spy music, it can be sexy 40s music, it can be silly little silly guy music, it can be tragic romantic music... It is a good little riff

Ok now that was incredible. I also wish we got more ryan time in this ep but they couldn't include it bc if they did they would have to include more of him to explain & resolve it. Or you know, maybe I'll be forced to write an episode tag fanfic.

I got off at 15.30, perfect timing!

but now I've spent a whole hour working on a fanfic with my little bro. a casefic dw.

[lambsearandlavender]

So... my January.

Got incredibly badly triggered in therapy. Had decided in advance to give myself a week off and so just, raw dogged reliving some serious fucking trauma in that time. Think like...I thought my attachments were secure and I unsurfaced a memory that literally took my closest, safest, most loving relationship and snapped it in half. One of two people I trust to never leave or hurt me. And the other one is dead.

So then I didn't sleep for 2 weeks.

So I missed a lot of work.

And I already have intermittent fmla in saying I can miss one day a week because of my pnes seizures. And some weeks I use that for panic attacks instead but whatever. Anyway, lack of sleep and increased panic attacks.

Then right when I was getting better, I got covid. I avoided it for 3 years, but when you work in a school and no one wears masks or takes tests or even stays home when they're sick anymore, well, it's going to happen.

Anyway that means I missed more work. And I'm still very sick and actually only confirmed today at urgent care that it's covid (I knew, but none of my coworkers will take a test anymore because they don't want to have to stay home or they just don't think it could possibly be covid for whatever reason).

And so, in the end, I missed literally 50% of my work days in January. And i am doing fucking everything I can. I am working my ass off as much as is possible, physically without aggravating my cfs/whatever else, mentally while intentionally aggravating my trauma and pnes to heal it long term. There is not a single thing I can be doing better in my life right now. But it's not working, it's all falling apart. I'm a fucking wreck.

My therapist agrees that I'm doing everything i can, which i guess is nice validation because i keep beating myself up over it. Today she told me I'm strong for logging into therapy, with covid, having had a panic attack earlier today, after 2 weeks of not sleeping much. She was like wow, and at your baseline on top of all that you're in pain, but you still logged in to therapy? But what am I supposed to do? My baseline is bad. Things right now are worse. But they never go any better than bad, and I have a home and bills to pay and a job to keep. I need therapy to get better. I know it will sometimes make me worse on the way to better. So you bet your ass I'm going to be there and do that work because it's the only alternative I see to suicide.

That reminds me that I've also gone through all of this fully unmedicated; no antidepressants, heart meds, pain managers, adhd meds, no combating my fatigue, none of it because I was supposed to be off them for a tilt table test tomorrow that I now have to reschedule. And tbh I've actually been really proud of myself because the lack of sleep and anxiety are bad, but they're trauma, and I feel like aside from the trauma responses, my un medicated baseline is better than normal rn? Which is wild because life sucks rn.

Normally on a good day, even a fantastic day, without meds I seriously want to die. Really truly can't stop thinking about it, want to be dead. But the last two weeks it only crosses my mind like twice a day and never too seriously or for too long. That's huge.

But then, back to work - obviously I can't be missing 50%. And unfortunately I don't do the kind of job you can just reduce your hours at, it's full time or nothing. So this isn't sustainable. But there is literally nothing more or better I can be doing about it right now. But today I got an email from hr about obviously being out of compliance with my fmla and that I need to update the paperwork or whatever or there will be disciplinary action.

I guess I have to email my doctor tomorrow. Idk. I'm a fucking mess. I might have more panic attacks about it before I get any sleep tonight. Sigh.

Anyway I also can't really afford to um. Lose my income. But the only thing I can think of to do is fight to finish The school year and then work my ass off over the summer to finish my doula certification and start my business so that at least I have more flexibility and no bosses to answer to about my illness. But. I have to do all that fighting to stay afloat and then all that working my ass off while continuing to be extremely physically and mentally ill, disabled, and dealing with trauma and ptsd. So.

That's when I find myself thinking, maybe I should just die. The odds are so very very against me in every way. I'm tired. I'm working so hard and I'm so burned out and I'm tired. And right now I feel very alone in it.

[ringsfullofdiamond]

1/4/23

man. a new year. 

i’m doing okay. overall, i’ve been pretty happy with justin. i notice that i tend to catastrophize things and get overwhelmed with anxiety and go down a rabbit hole when something small happens. my mental state definitely feels unstable when that happens. like today, gavin asked if i deleted my IG and i said i did, and he said who are you trying to hide from. i know it’s a joke and not that serious, but that immediately set me off and made me wonder to myself if i am hiding something from ppl. if ppl can tell that i am. and idk. 

but other than that... it’s been really lovely being with justin over these past few months since i updated last. it’s just been nice being with him and seeing old friends as riley visited. it just feels right. he’s going to the gym regularly and eating well, which has been attractive and nice to see. we’ve also had great sex too after a months long break.

i still get thoughts creep up in mind.. not so much about breaking up, but just feeling pangs of jealousy about other couples who look like they’re amazingly happy or have great relationships with their parents. i try to remind myself that i need to focus on me, not compare myself and us to others, and not to take everything so much at face value. i definitely still need to work on myself internally there.. but i think it’ll be ok and i’ll be ok. we’ll be ok. i’m going to try to talk to veronna again and get that going.

positive things:

1. still have a job during this economy

2. loving relationship with justin

3. fun times with friends

4. going to socal soon 

5. slowly starting to get out of comfort zone & take more pictures 

6. always trying to better my mental health

7. cooking at home 

8. face looks slimmer

9. ass getting fatter

10. parents and i are good

[outofcontexturi]

tues 8th Nov 2022 journal 2:04am

I felt suicidal today. not like I was gonna do anything but I did have a lot of strong thoughts about now wanting to be here anymore and that life was terrible. this was probably 4hrs ago now or something like that. It’s currently 2:04am and I’m with my dad at my dads house. I had a cry about the sobering realities of life and the fact that loss is just another part of life and honestly it’s breaking my heart that that is something I just have to accept as a part of life. There are many people I miss who aren’t even dead yet so even that was lot to hear. I’m better now though in terms of the thoughts going. I’m not thinking like that anymore. My head doesn’t hurt as much and I feel like my sleep should be good. I have to remind myself that I love myself and want the best for me and that not everyone will be in the picture because it’s what’s best for me and not what’s best for us as a unit. And my problem is I wanna take everyone with me and life keeps and has been telling me that I can’t take everyone with me and everytime it reminds me that i can’t, I cry because like I want the people I love to experience something beautiful the way I experience it or at least just have a chance to feel something other than what they may usually feel. Novelty excites me and keeps me going in life. Maybe giving someone below novelty might invoke the same sort of response to life idk. It’s 2:10am. I’ve been called in tomorrow for a warm up but then I’m free all day so I’ve decided I’m not going in because fuck that. Deeping that my mental health doesn’t feel good when I’m at LAMDA. in fact I feel more lonely going into those walls then I do when I’m outside. Infact I look forward to not being at drama school and more so just living my life and experiencing people. That’s what brings me the most joy. This particular rehearsal/play isn’t bringing me joy or satisfaction it’s just pushing me to the fucking edge and I don’t like that. I’m glad I have tomorrow off cause lamda really won’t be seeing me. I can’t believe I have to work with my abuser and i just have to keep working with them because “that’s life”. It’s fucking bullshit. I feel like a lack of care has been shown to me and it’s left me feeling so low vibrational and im being asked to put those feelings to the side when im in the same room as my abuser and the play we’re doing is highlighting the same abuse I went thru with this person and im just being told to be professional. Like at what point does this stop or does anyone stop to ask themselves is this the right thing to do? no one seems to understand why I do what I do or why I act the way I act or why I have an attitude about the smallest things during rehearsals but it’s because I’m in a room where my abuser is there just living and shit and I’m here and the room isn’t exactly the friendliest room available and it’s not like the school is any better. My relationship with the school has strained over the years due to how they’ve handled a lot of my issues. I don’t have faith jn LAMDA as a school. I don’t feel they care. I’ve had to care for myself and still do care for myself. I went in late yesterday. Didn’t do the warm up cause fuck that not with these train strikes. 2:22am. I came in for the afternoon and pushed thru till the end and went to see Natalie at her workplace (Curzon Soho cinema). It was super nice to catch up with her but soon after leaving her I felt off and didn’t know what to do with myself. I just remember being in Elephant and Castle and thinking about death and not being happy at all. I just remember thinking I wanna see joe. All I needed in that moment was family. The old me would’ve opted for friends but the new me opts for family instead. They mean more. I miss Honey and I’ve been crying for her. I do believe she’ll come back. I don’t know when but I do miss her. My heart does feel broken. Im mourning rn but I’ll stop eventually and get my shit together. Sooner than later. Im tired. I might call saffah if she’s still awake. Today is a new day. Im not the same person I was yesterday. Amen. S.O.T: 2:29am