#idk why i even said this 💀
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besties, loves, darlings…it is time…
i have finally started rewriting for saltwater tears again.
stay tuned 🎥
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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"I think if I gave you my heart, you would treat it tenderly."
spoilers: he in fact did not
"Friends. Is that what we are?"
"When you make love to me like that, I can't think." "Don't think."
"A kingdom, or this."
i am aware that suguru did not do it for "a kingdom" you guys do not need to annoy me with this
i just took capri quotes out of context and applied them to satosugu
#idk why i did this#it doesn't even fit 💀💀#satosugu and lamen are two completely different things#anyway they are my two big obsessions rn#i guess this counts as a reason#gojo satoru#satosugu#geto suguru#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#lamen x satosugu#captive prince x jujutsu kaisen#i just took some capri quotes and said that's them 🥳🥳
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me: oh my godddd that shift was so longgg I hate working so much 😩😩😩😫😫😫
the shift: literally only 5 hours
(ALSO sorry I am SO behind on notifs!!! planning to catch up tomorrow after work but THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for the anniversary wishes!!! 🥹💜💜)
#idk how im gonna survive in this world i really dont 💀💀#also working here is giving me FAMILY FEVER so bad like... i just watch these happy families walk by the store all day being so cute...#i almost cried 5 times because I was yearning so badly 😭😭🤡🤡🤡#like it's something I've always wanted but as a homebody i barely had to think about it and now it's shoved in my face EVERY DAY 😭#it's just getting to me i guess#i must've been spaced out yearning REALLY BAD because some man came in and said when he was outside he THOUGHT I WAS A MANNEQUIN 😭😭😭#WE'RE A FRAGRANCE STORE WHY WOULD WE EVEN HAVE A MANNEQUIN 😭😭😭 it was so funny#caitiechat
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where is that post that is like 'if u were the girl he wanted communication would be easy for him' bc yeah... no matter how much u dont want it to be, it's true
#not me being the most dumb bitch alive thinking i was just being considerate and patient...#for 10 months 💀#and then being slapped in the face w a actually none of it mattered at all nearly enough as it did to u#and u were not even worthy of talking to or trying to communicate with or simply discussing any of it and our feelings#(which were only my feelings in the end)#and u were pathetically daydreaming and fantasizing and missing whatever 'it' was between us but i didnt really care#and it never mattered that much to me and idc to have had talked abt it and see if there was anything to off there#u were only worth being thrown away without even being told anything abt how i felt or was i was thinking#bc at the end of the day what was everything to u and what mattered so much to u was not even 1% as important to me#💀 legitimately i am dying !!!!#ig what hurts me the most that it was smth i was willing to fight for or talk abt to see if we were on the same page or were our heart lied#or like .. idk im just hurt at the fact that for him all of that was just smth to throw away. not even worthy of talking abt or simply#not even giving me a chance bc i know that time's running out but the fact that#he didnt even find it worthy enough to give a chance TALKING abt.#also what hurts me so fkn bad is that if i didnt force myself to go against my avpd and try to ask i wouldnt know anything#bc he doesnt tell me anything of that stuff and he didnt the first time either and im like#i truly am so pathetic letting someone have so much power over me just bc i love them and want them so bad#when im only a speckle of dust in their life#like ..... what is wrong with me? both bc why cant i ever be loved#EVERYBODY else always has someone!!!! i NEVER do!!! and like idk#and this is worse than a crush bc h actually talked to me and told me things and said things and it was real#(to me)#and then just stopped and i didnt know what i did and it could never be talked abt either and it just suckssssss#like why am i so fucking deeply and incredibly unlovable and worthless and not worth anything??????? not even a talk???? like wtf
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a government worker was a little mean and now im sad i hatehate hate being sensitive
#basically i was so anxious i messed up my address in the form and they looked at it and went#'*laughs* there's so many mistakes'#and the person next to them said 'well better than knowing nothing. that would be stupid' *laughs again while looking at my form*#i am going to kill myself#tw suicide mention#tw suicide#IM NOT ACTUALLY KILLING MYSELF BUT DO U GET ME I AM NOT IN THE RIGHT HEADSPACE FOR INSULTS RN MY GUY#i was getting my voter's certificate#like i was so polite to u even tho u were already so cranky like...why would u do that :(((((#i just had to let this out dw im fine i think. im just kinda sad bc i already have so many existing doubts and have been bullied since#childhood so idk man i just dont feel good lmao#tw rant#id rather have ny head slammed against a wall again likeback then in childhood than go thru verbal insults id rather accept pain lik that#i have high pain tolerance but emotional stuff?? i am soft and gullible 💀
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I have said this before but me being self proclaimed number 1 Ryoma fan and that being possibly literal-bc even if this bro had fans before me I might’ve simply done the most for him by talking about him so much + being the first to write fics that are in depth studies on his trauma across canons-I gotta say if there’s one other character I rotate a lot that isn’t him it’s probably Kei. (Shocking it’s not Hayato even if I do think about him too- but it’s usually associated with Ryoma bc gays 🗿)
I’m not even exaggerating when I say Kei would be my favorite and only isn’t because she doesn’t exist in many other canons yet my brain rotates the endless possibilities of how to incorporate her. I’ve already written a fic where she’s in shin vs neo verse which worked surprisingly well but I’ve been thinking how universally she could appear in other things. (Whether it be fitting her into a idea of a possible Go team in New or just a new canon completely) I think what I’ve narrow it down to is that she could be like- in Michirus role? Like she’s the supporting female who isn’t a pilot but helps out the real occasionally which I think would align very well especially with the original manga role she has of being Hayato’s assistant. And even if Hayato isn’t grandpa mode yet he still very much is in Saotomes position at that point. Not sure if she’d Hayato’s biological kid to further parallel Saotome and Michiru given well Hayato already adopts the Go team and his wife is irrelevant LOL.
I have no idea if I’ll ever write this specific idea but I’m still- rotating it cause this is such a easy way to get around “picking between Sho or Kei as the 2nd pilot” since both of them can still exist even if one doesn’t get to pilot, idm my supporting females. (Granted there could always be like- plot line where Sho gets hurt so Kei is temporary pilot but I can’t remember if Getter ever really did this since “once your hurt your ass is basically replaced” lol)
#meg text#getter robo#au rambles#I think I rotate her so much because my friend and I talked about her relationship with Go#like it makes so much sense if among all the universal constants in getter one would be Kei is important to Go#granted the shift from “she’s my love interest” to “she’s my sister” will never not be so fucking drastic 💀#also I get why in SVN she wasn’t there for time and idk where you’d fit her but man Kei deserves a more significant role#hence why I imagine her in Michirus role because even if she also had it ROUGH some iterations knew how to use her#also Kei already has a established relationship w gai mainly thanks to arma so- Sho deserves to speak with her too#they can be besties who rat out on the boys but still have high respect for hayato#granted I know the real reason why this hasn’t happened is because Kei is a minor character and “no proper go manga adaptation??”#at this point I don’t expect a anime but it be nice if Go team got used in a spin off bc we had a good run of OG team#I’d also want them to use arc in spin offs too but I understand their more- finicky characters to use#given their main thing is their actual descendants of existing characters and one of them is our first boyo (ryoma)#if you took out the bloodline stuff it make them feel redundant because you can just use go team for that#also honestly despite how mixed arc anime is for everyone they really don’t need to be in anything after this#other then wishing they get something with nicer animation but that’s what’s SRW is for#(also back to Kei I’m a bit upset she did not get a cameo in arc even if she’d probably look horrendous it was just salt in the wound)#(GAI LITERALLY SAIDS WHEN HE DIES IN THE MANGA HE SEES KEI WHERE WAS SHE WITH ALL THE GETTER GHOSTS?)#actually Michiru wasn’t there too so it was probably just woman erasure /hj
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being moved to a different classroom for my last week while the head of the program pretends she's doing me a favor but she's really doing my supervisor a favor 🙃
#she said she wanted me not to feel bad and be in a bad situation#but im p sure she did it bc my supervisor was up in the office talking shit ant me again this morning#she was acting all nice but 🤨#she's not nice soooo#also she didn't even follow up when i mentioned safety concerns for the kids when she asked why i was leaving#and she didn't ask me to stay#she did seem sympathetic but idk my co teacher thinks it was a favor to our supervisor to keep her happy#bc thry still think she walks on water#im so worried for the kids but it should be less stressful in t2#also the teacher i swapped with today saw me two hours later and she was like: girl i get it 💀💀💀#lmao#so sad for the kids tho#but excited abt new opportunities#but i did want to have the time to say goodbye to the kids#its probably better to transition them this way bc they'll still see me a little bit the last week but not all day#and get used to me not always being there#so they won't care as much when i'm completely gone the week after 😭#but they were crying at thebgate between the playgrounds today and it was really hard#i was holding finn's hand over the gate 🥺#then we combined classes for the end of the day on the playground and that was like 10 minutes before i went home#so they got happy for a bit then broke down again when i said goodbye 😭#teddy was screaming at the door the whole time after i left 😭#i watched thru the classroom window while the other teachers were consoling them and it was so sad 💔#i've only had one cry when i went home before but this time it was half of them#bc they barely saw me all day then i left as soon as they thought i was going to stay#anyway#i have a job interview tomorrow and surgery#and maybe a second job interview#trying to focus on that rn#still glad i'm quitting but 💔
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I forgot how much I like Scar. Uh oh.
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#like bro what the FUCK is my type in men????#wuwa Scar the sillay :33#but yeah idek my type anymore 💀💀#my type in women is more clear HAHA#idk what's wrong with me tonight guys I'm sorry 🙏🙏#nobody's probably even reading these anymore rn lol#I also like. accidentally came across leaks somewhere where is showed there's like no characters I want (probably) until Scars banner is up#so soon??? Idk that's why I doubt the leak bc of how soon he'd be released if it WAS true..#but yk.. a man can dream and save up his astrites for the silly man....#Yinlin won't be coming home anyways I don't have enough astrites to summon anymore 💀💀#I WILL be a Scar haver if he does come out in like 1.3 I think it said#It probably won't be like that tho as I said
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akjsndglidfligauhglsighoiurdfhg
#one final left 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫#i am procrastinating studying#my motivation to study is nonexistent atp lmfao#which is bad that this class is last#bc idk anything in this class#😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#and the slides aren't great and there's not a great straightforward way to study in my brain rn#i need to write down some stuff i can do#i i have like a lil les than 14 hours 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#why was this class so bad for me it wasn't even like that bad like the prof wasn't horrible#just not for me ig 💀💀💀 i just could not pay attention to him everything he said went right in and out thru my ears no comprehension#hm so how do i reread all the chapters or something in like < 10 hours or smth lmfao#also what do i even mean reread as if i read them all the first time slkjnfgdfigbpiurghpqireughdjfhsglfgjhaldkjfh#my last two finals were ok like ........ on par for what i expect lmfao and i think i did as well as i was gonna do on them#but this one#it's fucking unfortunate timing that it's last and day after another final bc i would rly appreciate a lot more time to study for this one#and i cant manage time so i haven't rly started studying for it lmfao why would i study before the day before 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩#anyway whatever#my chinese song playlist hitting hard rn it's so good and so nice to listen to while studying bc i dont get too distracted lol#and the songs are so GOOD i've been bonding more w my roommate over it XD#i think it's kinda funny how my music this week is gonna be so different than normal lol on airbuds since it does weekly music stats#out of nowhere just only lindsey stirIing and chinese songs lol#and then mxmt/oon in btwn there bc she also chiller music#jeanne talks
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just finished reading delilah's statement, there was a lot of things in it that was either only tangentially related to the allegations or straight up unnecessary to put (in particular: putting in media references and cc metrics several times as flavor text, detailing the don turnt situation with no claims of whether or not permission was granted by the affected party, namedropping certain ccs who had nothing to do with the allegations, and putting the tweet and yearbook photo of one of the ppl who put forward that zam was a bully with no claims of whether or not permission was granted) which contributed a lot to the 47-page length
honestly so far what im getting is that there was a Lot of toxicity on multiple sides like not even just between zam and delilah
#tw abuse#there are multiple instances in particular that i wanted to get more context of#in particular how did zam go from telling delilah to khs to becoming her bestie??? and why did she call kab whos a 16 yo a worthless whore?#theres also several parts that made me think that her rep for jumping to conclusions isnt entirely unfounded#like you can excuse her mental state at the time for a lot of it but there are some that are just. where did you get that#i dont wanna reread the entire thing so ill just be citing that part at the end where she accused zam of not actually being in a bad mental#place and was just trying to manipulate her cause he was in vacation in nyc and was smiling in one of the pics is reaching#also hypocritical cause she was also in a bad mental place during twitchcon but was smiling happily in pics and videos#also dont like the fact that she put the yearbook photo there and the fact it was even posted publicly in the first place#it was probs for verification purposes but holy shit youre basically barely a step away from doxxing zam#apparently bormethius is putting out a statement so ill be waiting for that as well#fucken hell i get that delilah saw posting this publicly as necessary in order to get some kind of closure#but theres so many layers to this that airing this out to an uninvolved and contextless audience was only inevitably gonna make things wors#especially considering a lot of evidence has apparently been lost to deletion or the fact that they were done in vcs#but its too late for that now so i can only hope we get the full picture soon cause everybody involved looks so incredibly toxic#idk i just hope all parties involved will be able to move away from this and get better in the future#cause like theyre still young and immature man#(although the fact that theyre young and immature def contributed to how this even happened in the first place 💀)#with that being said#the drama channels are 100% in the wrong here#they like to present themselves as arbiters of truth but theyre nothing but glorified tabloids#allegations
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.
#i want to believe the reason why byrn has been adamant from giving opinions about the current conflict#is because of p3retz#as in look. he wouldn't be in a shithole of a situation if his country hadn't been so shit to plstn#he should be able to acknowledge that but no. pride gets in the way#however you do have to consider animosity among the team could led to a broken dressing room#and i assume they just want to avoid that#like imagine how awkward it must be to have nous and daniel there 💀#plus tuch3l said it himself: not even HE knows a lot about the conflict so ofc he stuck with byrn's statement#so idk i think they're just trying to keep the harmony on the dressing room#which sucks bc they should be allowed to have their own opinions#but you know...#rambless#on that note i think matthjs had the most neutral reply. harry was definitely in support of daniel and tuchel doesnt kniw shit
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🌧️🫧💭
#i shouldnt have fav mutuals bc i get sooo sad when they soft block me#which *always* happens like im not joking the day will come when they're just like nahhh bye#🥲🥲 nd i cant help but get sad#nd i dont even agree w that anon who said that 'no wonder everyone blocks u' bc im never mean to anyone#i think it's just bc im fundamentally unlikable and unlovable and the time will come when smth abt me#ticks them off nd nothing abt me is ever tolerated i always have to be perfect for everyone so then i just get cut off like dead weight lmao#also it shows that i get attached so easily but in reality ... ppl are not at all as attached to me 💀💀#like i care abt them but they dont care abt me nd it makes me feel so stupid#why do i so easily care for ppl?????? why do i have to care nd like ppl when it's always gonna end the same way#me being me is bad nd wrong and nobody could ever truly know me nd still like me#i have to live my life constantly hiding parts of myself and making sure im not too authentic or too open bc then i will make ppl dislike me#it rlly is that. im never mean. i never fight. ppl just see smth abt me nd go 'oh ewwwwww' nd then leave#nd if it hasnt already happened it will at some point nd im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop#whenever i realize i say or did smth wrong im tense waiting for the moment where they'll leave me will arrive#ok this might sound silly bc i was like 'triggered' by smth small but like#all my life thats just how it's been. im not even mean or cruel. i just exist and ppl dont like me or who i am or what i think#i can never be truly myself anywhere. that is sure to result in being all alone 4ever. but i dont like hiding parts of myself#but i have to. but its hard when im trying to hide nd be lowkey but i still manage to make ppl dislike me T-T#idek what im supposed to do bc i just exist nd im not likable. i try to be that but im still not. idk what to do#anyway.. who cares.. j'appartiens seul#but yeah it is bc it's like this for me all the time nd ig that triggered me lmao#i mean just w my sisters.. their issue is just who i am. my personality. i havent been cruel to them. or bullied them. or put them down#they just get irritated from my personality nd who i am. thats what makes them mad. nd they kinda want me to just stop being me nd idk how#to do that and therefore we arent even talking. havent talked for a year#i wanna cry like????? what am i supposed to do??????? im so extremely fucking horrible that just by exisiting nd not being mean or cruel mak#es me unworthy of everything. idk idk like. omg i feel so stupid for being triggered by that#maybe if i had irl friends and a job and a life i wouldnt care but im a fucking loser failure worthless good for nothing idiot. ofc im this
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hmm. my best friend didn't ask how my surgery went or how I'm doing and my dad comes home and immediately starts blasting music and yelling and throwing/slamming things while I'm trying to recover :) haha love today what a great day 👍🏻
#aaaaand this is why i have f/os#i just want bob cuddles rn :(#between the surgery and now crying my whole damn face is gonna be swollen 💀 chipmunk realness#like idk he said he was worried about me all day and then. does the exact opposite actions that someone who cared would take.#typical so dont even know why im surprised or why it bothers me!#sorry for the vent just extra emotional today ig#vent tw#caitiechat
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did an interview today and i'm mentally cursing myself bc i feel like i fucked up on some parts but uhh we stay silly. barely.
#rena.txt#fell into the trap of the question of 'why you're not studying any longer?' and i went i need to move out bla bla which could be smth that#could sink me bc its like i implicitly said yea at some point i will leave this place to continue with a master 💀💀#also i felt a bit dumb when he asked me how much i think i should get paid for a full time job there and i was like ????? (had no idea) so i#just went with a random number idk everything feels sooooo dumb rn#anyways i don't think i'll get this job lmao there was a girl there too for the interview and i think she's most likely to get it. i know#it's extremely pessimistic of me since i don't even know the girl and how her interview will go but i just feel like i fucked my chances up#with that question so mmmmmh 👍 yea.
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