#idk why i keep making these posts lately it's like i should see a therapist or something... imagine having money and time for therapy lol

[privatelife]

whats the opposite of hyperfixating cause i do that tbh. if i get really into something i force myself to do something else because i dont wanna focus my energy on One Thing, it has to be Many Things In Different Intervals or else im not winning. do you know what i mean

[cosmicwindmillcomplex]

Do you have any advice for people who are about to start EMDR?

actually yes! And I’m so glad you asked because idk if I ever would’ve thought about making it into a post! apologies for the late response but wanted to give it a lot of thought! I’ve been doing EMDR on and off for about 3.5 years now with my therapist, as a disclaimer: I am not an expert so this would be my advice based on my personal experience with and knowledge of EMDR.

1. Make sure you trust your therapist or whoever the professional who will be guiding you through the experience is; also make sure that they are qualified with EMDR experience. They should not offer the option if they have no experience with it.

2. Make sure you are in a relatively stable enough place to go through it. Don’t lie just because you want to do it. it’s a very intense psychological experience and can be draining so just be somewhat prepared and don’t be surprised if you feel kinda worn out the rest of the day after the session. There have been times I have taken breaks from EMDR when other issues of life became problematic and as a result I was less stable. It’s not something you want to force when you’re not stable enough, for safety reasons. For me it was difficult to admit I wasn’t stable enough as I wanted to just “push through” thinking it’ll automatically heal me, but it doesn’t quite work that way.

3. My sister is also a licensed therapist and gave me this metaphor when I was struggling with EMDR, it has shifted my perspective and helped me a lot. Think of EMDR as riding a train through your subconscious/inner world (however you like to think of it). In between the bilateral stimulation parts your therapist will usually ask something such as “what are you noticing”. This is when you peek out the train window or poke your head out and see where the train has stopped. but you stay on the train and then repeat the process at the next stop. Do your very best to observe and not be “sucked in” to whatever you are noticing. What you notice could be an image your brain gives you, it could be a memory, or a physical sensation of some kind as well. It’s kind cool like your brain is communicating with you!

4. EMDR does require bringing up and having to somewhat relive your trauma in the controlled environment, which is why you want to make sure you trust your therapist and have any grounding items nearby or with you. If you go in person and drive yourself, don’t feel the need to drive away immediately. It’s okay to sit for a while until you’re ready. If you do telehealth maybe keep some grounding items near you and always be in a room/environment where you feel really safe. Allow time afterwards for some self care and taking it easy.

5. My therapist describes it as a process to try and close the trauma loop in a way that the memories don’t impact you quite as badly. Some have equated it to “exposure therapy but make it trauma”, although it’s kinda right, it’s more complex than that. Often things that come up repeatedly can be clues, like a branch of a tree, and through sessions you may find the roots deeper down. There may be root memories you’re not aware of and through EMDR you may eventually find those roots when you’re ready.

6. Be patient!!! You don’t want to overthink or over analyze it too much outside of therapy. It’s okay and natural to think of it but don’t try too hard to investigate, give your brain time and it will probably make sense later down the road when you are ready. I usually will write down something if it comes up and then try to put it out of my mind until next session. Don’t push yourself or judge too hard. It is a lot to go through and very heavy, it makes sense to feel frustrated or discouraged but you will make progress in your own time. Don’t be afraid to use a stop signal if you feel overwhelmed, you don’t always have to keep going!

7. Be honest! Do your very best to not worry about being judged or anything like that. Let your brain go where it needs to go without judgment or trying to control it. Don’t lie or try to force your session to to a certain way, all it will do is slow your progress! (Not trying to call anyone a liar intentionally, but sometimes we would try to direct or deflect certain things in session due to feeling like we needed more progress faster and fears/anxieties/doubts, as an impulse reaction almost, in this case we think about it for a while and journal on it until we have the words to talk it out and explain more in another session later on. “Lying” in this context can also just simply be telling your therapist you’re okay when you know that you are not.)

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense! Wishing you lots of love and comfort as you start your journey with EMDR ❤️‍🩹

[vizthedatum]

Hey I sent you the ask yesterday but I absolutely don’t mind you just posting it normally on here! Sorry if this is really long <3

my whole life I have felt like I couldn’t cope with things or do things in the way that ‘most’ people do & I am grateful that I have the things I’m really good at or enjoy but I still have times when I just can’t keep to the same schedules or cope with certain situations like others and finding out this is directly because of autism is a relief honestly 😭 I know a lot of people don’t like the church or Christianity and for real, I understand why especially when I think of things for me lately but I guess you could say I found my own beliefs on my own and I want everyone to be included in everything and be loved, happy and supported & I found this church that seemed to go outside the box and want to help and include everyone (also I felt like I belonged somewhere) but the more I realised they were almost pressuring me into doing stuff that I didn’t want to do but would almost get weird or angry w me if I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to. I have been really sick the last few months and couldn’t make it to literally anything or barely get out of bed some days and literally none of them reached out to me or would talk to me like I should make an effort even though I was so sick, sad and alone and the one day I actually felt good enough to attend, I signed up to help on the team and they deadass took me off and told me I’m ‘unreliable’ and can’t not be there for weeks and expect to just walk back in and be part of team after that. I was so hurt I felt like crying. I have tried to open up to people about things in the past there too and honestly most of the time I get a reaction like I’m to blame and like if I ask for help I get this weird reaction like ‘WeLL SHiT DuDE maybe you should just do this and not ask us?!!!!!’ And it takes me by shock every time :( but yeah I’m so sorry for the rant but it makes me feel like I’m such a burden for struggling w stuff and now I don’t want to even bother offering up my time to help them especially speaking on autism bc they treat me like I should still be able to cope with things idk it’s just hard and it makes me wanna have a breakdown sometimes 😅

Hey I sent you the ask yesterday but I absolutely don’t mind you just posting it normally on here! Sorry if this is really long <3

Hi!! I wanted to take my time with my response to be able to respond appropriately and to show myself care as well (I've had a rough week). I will respond in line to your message.

I don't mind long messages! I send long messages too haha <3

my whole life I have felt like I couldn’t cope with things or do things in the way that ‘most’ people do & I am grateful that I have the things I’m really good at or enjoy but I still have times when I just can’t keep to the same schedules or cope with certain situations like others

I think we often get bogged down with "how we should be" instead of checking in with ourselves with how we actually are.

Similarly, I have felt like I couldn't cope with a lot… and would kinda just struggle through it or force myself through it (burning myself out in the process). It wasn't until I got more support in adulthood from my therapist (and I've cycled through a couple!), psychiatrist (I am thankful I found a good one - I've been seeing her for the past 3 years or so), medical team (I have chronic health issues but assembling a good group of docs has been a challenge), my community (asking and receiving help is really important, I'm finding out), my NEURODIVERGENT community (it's been immensely helpful/validating to be vulnerable and to LISTEN to other people who have a wide range of neurotypes to observe how they do things or what they enjoy), spirituality practice (which is something I've been in and out of my whole life (was very atheist for a long time) but now I'm reclaiming this on my own terms), etc.

I'm glad that you have things you're really good at and also things you enjoy!!!

I think many schedules or even constructs of how to be human… can be really restricting because they're often not customized to your needs and abilities.

However, figuring out what your needs and abilities are (especially since they're dynamic) is NOT TRIVIAL.

and finding out this is directly because of autism is a relief honestly 😭 I know a lot of people don’t like the church or Christianity and for real, I understand why especially when I think of things for me lately but I guess you could say I found my own beliefs on my own and I want everyone to be included in everything and be loved, happy and supported & I found this church that seemed to go outside the box and want to help and include everyone (also I felt like I belonged somewhere) but the more I realised they were almost pressuring me into doing stuff that I didn’t want to do but would almost get weird or angry w me if I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to.

I'm happy you found a group and a set of beliefs that help you lead your life. Interpersonal relations within a community can be hard, especially if they do not understand or empathize with your needs.

I have often felt pressured by previous friends and family members into doing stuff… and then guilted/shamed about it if I couldn't do it or didn't want to. I think it is important to stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself in ANY SETTING… even if it disappoints others. Even if you're in the wrong. At least you're speaking up. (But I get that that's really draining, too... and sometimes not possible. I have often been non-verbal or didn't even know how to express what I was feeling)

I used to not stand up for myself because I assumed (or had a very unfair assumption) that people should just know! But people didn't know how to interact with me. And I think this is maybe autism because I felt like I was supposed to "know" unsaid rules of society for other people. I spent so much emotional energy trying to "intuit" what other people wanted… and didn't even realize how drained I was getting, how much I was masking who I was, or even who I was.

If things you can't or won't do disappoint a person or a group of people, then that could be a starting point for y'all (or even that person) to figure out why that's bothering them. A discussion needs to be had and reflections need to be made. If there is consistent harm or abuse that's being done (which I'm not saying there is, in this case, necessarily), then you may need to set some boundaries.

I have been really sick the last few months and couldn’t make it to literally anything or barely get out of bed some days and literally none of them reached out to me or would talk to me like I should make an effort even though I was so sick, sad and alone

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know what that's like. Long-term illness or chronic illness can be so isolating. And some people don't even know what to do to support.

Have you told your friends or community ways you'd like them to reach out to you when you're sick/sad/alone? It may help to say "Could you message/call me if you haven't heard from me this week?"

and the one day I actually felt good enough to attend, I signed up to help on the team and they deadass took me off and told me I’m ‘unreliable’ and can’t not be there for weeks and expect to just walk back in and be part of team after that. I was so hurt I felt like crying. I have tried to open up to people about things in the past there too and honestly most of the time I get a reaction like I’m to blame and like if I ask for help I get this weird reaction like ‘WeLL SHiT DuDE maybe you should just do this and not ask us?!!!!!’

Yeah that's highly inappropriate and ableist TO BE QUITE HONEST.

I feel like that's why we have to advocate and push back a little. Not a lot of people know enough about neurodivergence or disability needs. Or even human needs. I hate that the onus of that education and advocacy falls on us (the ones who need the help or support!)… :(

And it takes me by shock every time :( but yeah I’m so sorry for the rant but it makes me feel like I’m such a burden for struggling w stuff and now I don’t want to even bother offering up my time to help them especially speaking on autism bc they treat me like I should still be able to cope with things idk it’s just hard and it makes me wanna have a breakdown sometimes

I want to validate your shock and disappointment and hurt. That is a valid response to what you've been through.

You can rant and vent!! I do it on my blog and to my friends/partners a lot - but I'm trying to also be mindful of how much bandwidth they have for it too (my friends/partners are not my therapist or anything - and that's such an important line). Emotional expression is a really good way to help us regulate, in my opinion.

And your autism and neurodivergence is valid too. The way they can cope with "Thing X" is JUST AS VALID as you not being able to cope with "Thing X." I understand that a lot of people don't get that.

Final thoughts: Feel free to vent either to me or trusted friends/supports. I may not always be able to respond in a timely manner, but I'll try to let you know.

You shouldn't have to repeatedly assert your boundaries and needs in environments where you're supposed to have human connection and bond. That's not fair to you.

[dzpenumbra]

5/3/23

Another night of crappy sleep. I got about 4 hours, then was up for about 2, then got another couple after. It's taking a toll.

I've been waking up really dehydrated, so maybe that's part of it? Maybe showering before bed would help with that. I'm gonna talk to my therapist on Thursday about my predicament with weed and sleep, and sorta go from there. I keep thinking it's like... the early 2000's and you can't talk about weed and shit.

Funny story, back when I was playing on Minecraft servers and we had voice chats and shit, back in the early 20-teens, we had some discussion about weed, and everyone was like doing the typical "why isn't it legal, just legalize it already" thing. And I remember being like... 20? or 21? And going "yeah, you guys really should be saying 'decriminalize it', because that's like... the only way it's going to work. You really want weed to get legs, you need to build industry around it, you need farms and shit, you need to be able to build supply to meet the demand. Just saying 'legalize it' doesn't like... do any of that, it just gets rid of penalties for all the biggest suppliers, who are like... cartels and shit..." And they went quiet real fucking quick. Because they never wanted to have an actual conversation or learn anything about it, they just wanted to giggle and eat cheetos and watch cartoons. But... now that I think about it... half of them probably wouldn't even smoke weed if it were legal at the time.

Anyway. I'm kinda stuck in that time period, in my own head. And I get afraid of the judgment from others, the consequences. Ugh, it's always consequences with me.

I got a bill from a medical test lab today. The doctor I went to see... I think over a month ago? He sent out a sample from my scalp thing to get lab tested... and I still haven't gotten a call back from him... and I just got a $125 bill for it. ... I haven't really had time to mentally process that yet. I have no clue why they wouldn't call me back, in this fucking long, but... I guess that's just where we are. So... now I need to call the doctor back and ask them for the test results... and figure out what the fuck I'm going to do, because it has not gotten better at all, despite stopping cutting my hair and beard entirely for (I think) a month... when he said my hair clippers were what was causing it.

I posted a comment on an art subreddit today. Someone else was struggling to find a community, both locally and online, and I wrote a few paragraphs commiserating. Idk if it'll turn into anything, or if I'll learn anything, but yeah. It was nice to get it out, at least.

Yeah, didn't really do much today. Just an incredibly intense yoga workout thing that kicked my fucking ass to the point where I almost puked... got delivery to make up for it... and did some laundry. Just a low-key day because of how exhausted and ass-kicked I've been. I've been busting ass on art shit lately, I'm okay with giving myself days off.

I'm gonna do a run of Risk of Rain and then head to bed early.

[redvamp]

hi radfems. it's the first post i make on here, i haven't really interacted in any way besides reblogs. idk how to word this well but i just need a little help, just advice or whatever you want to say to me, also feel free to ignore the post (tw for suicidal thoughts)

i just don't know who to turn to. i feel so alone in everything. like i'm always the odd one out. i'm talking about just being a woman in general and what women go through but i seem to be the only one in my life who can really see it? i was just talking to my grandma whom i love and she kept defending how women's work and raising children is "easy" and that men's work (literally just how my grandpa chops wood) is the hard one and this is how the work should be divided.

so, i know it's probably not a big deal for her to say this of all things! but for some reason i just couldn't take it anymore and got emotional because i was thinking about what women go through all the time and how everything we do is minimized even by ourselves. i'm ashamed of myself for crying because of this. idk what's wrong with me, my emotions are always so overwhelming, but more than ever when it comes to these topics, i can literally feel it in my chest and my voice starts shaking and i usually end up having an anxiety attack or freaking out. doesn't help that i know how others, men especially, would mock me for being "hysterical"/ over-emotional. i hate this about myself

also, i have been taking breaks from uppsetting/triggering topics like this all the time (even for years!). still, it was always like this when such things were brought up. i'm sure it's mostly because of my mental illness and trauma and i have tried to deal with it for years, been going to a lot psychiatrics and therapists (but i'm unmedicated now and lately i can't afford therapy which is why i'm looking for a job and plan on getting one next month.. though i don't know how i will be able to work with how burned out i still am from uni and my own issues). still, therapy and medication only ever helps a little, i just feel like there's something too deeply wrong with me. that i shouldn't be here, i never wanted to be part of this world but i have no choice in the matter even now. i feel like the caricature of a mad woman all the time. i feel like i'll always be alone and with no one to try and understand my struggles and my thoughts. i guess idk what i'm even asking for here, just for anyone to tell me if i really am just crazy? it's really hard to keep going. i'm still here for my cat and so that i won't hurt anyone who cares about me even if just a little. i feel very embarassed to post this and will probably regret doing so, but there's no one else to turn to and any response is appreciated

[stitch1830]

Ok, so I keep seeing your posts and have had more Zutara thoughts because of them (thank you for that, btw 😊) so I was curious if you have read any fics or like the Mom Friend!Katara and Dad Friend!Zuko trope? It’s one of my personal faves.

Some common things I’ve seen with this are:

Zuko noticing Katara does a lot of the work while staying at the Western Air Temple and stepping up to help, but Katara is rightfully wary of him at that point and gets frustrated for varying reasons

Katara getting sick from constantly doing everything for so long and Zuko helping take care of her and the Gaang while she’s down for the count (usually happens after TSR so they’re slightly awkward friends at this point)

Katara and Zuko late night conversations where Katara isn’t just being Zuko’s therapist, or Zuko isn’t just being Katara’s therapist, but they’re giving each other advice and listening to each other in equal measure overall (even if some nights one is feeling more down than the other and they focus on that for just that night)

Katara and Zuko getting some solid cooking together/doing chores together/bending together content

Katara and Zuko getting teased by the Gaang bc they’ve started to call them Mum and Dad when they’re being extra Momtara and Dadko (you know what I mean lol)

Katara and Zuko working to comfort anyone else in the Gaang over relationship problems (usually Sukka stuff here with misinterpreting stuff and overthinking and all that), childhood issues (Toph and her stuff with her parents), not feeling good enough (Aang, the sweet boi son who is so nervous abt all the pressure on his shoulders), or just war trauma stuff (nightmares and cuddles from Momtara and Dadko - is best with Toph imo)

Toph accidentally calling them Mum or Dad while super tired is the wholesome stuff thing

Idk if you’ve got other stuff that you’ve seen or headcannons you’ve got abt this trope, lmk bc I feel like I don’t seen enough of it lol

Hello! Thank you so much for the ask, and I'm glad you are enjoying the HC's. We all deserve to have Zutara live in our minds rent free haha!

I actually don't think I've read a specific fic with that particular trope, sadly. I'm kind of new when it comes to reading Zutara fics and haven't spent too much time exploring ao3 (There's so much I was shook the first time I glanced at it!). I've seen a few fan art comics with this referenced, that's all though. But, I am totally on board with this headcanon and honestly think it's super accurate. It probably should be explored more!

Both Katara and Zuko seem pretty selfless when it comes to their friends and family, so it would make sense to me that they take care of the others first, either individually or together. And then in turn, noticing when the other is struggling and offering support. It's probably an interesting story to see how they navigate the rough waters, because Katara is probably somewhat skeptical of Zuko still, and Zuko just isn't sure how to handle the situation. They're also two of the most mature members of the Gaang, so it makes sense that they take it upon themselves to take care of the group. (Also the cuddle sessions? Talk about uwu).

If I were to add to this list, I think they would often scold the group if they were only using a single braincell between them all.

Zuko probably stays up the latest in the group to watch for any trouble. Sometimes he notices Katara or another member of the Gaang shivering, so he'll give them his blanket.

I can see them when they're alone complaining to each other about the group's shenanigans and finding comfort in being able to relate to each other.

Katara would scold the group for giving Appa too many treats. But then Zuko sneaks one more apple to the sky bison :)

This might not fit the HC, but maybe if Zuko needs to tell Katara something and he's afraid of her reaction (maybe it's bad news and they're all already stressed), he'll practice his speech on a badgerfrog.

Katara and Zuko definitely spar a ton together and they learn each others moves and tendencies well. That's why they're so in sync during their practice battle.

Those are my immediate thoughts on HC's! Also, if you have a fav fic with this trope, feel free to send it my way! Love reading some good stories haha. Thanks again for the ask, and hope you have a nice day! :)

[corruptedsilence]

Anonymous asked: We're not mutuals but you're one of those that I continue to follow cuz I really like your content! I think you're an awesome and talented person. When I see you down I sometimes want to reach out to help but I am unsure how to do so? But I'm always wishing you the best.

Like, I don’t mean to sound rude or pessemistic but my Depression is a force to be reckoned with. My GF can testify that it’s not an easy thing and I tend to spiral fast. It’s why I am thinking I need to re-evaluate my medication because my current one is not helping anymore.

The best way to help me if we aren’t mutuals is probably just, sending anons of encouragement? Or just, idk honestly. It’s hard to know since even my mutuals and friends aren’t able to always help either. If worse comes to worse sending me something nice or sending me something to get my mind off of the depressive mood tends to help. I often try to distract my brain from the depressive feeling with writing, or I write out how I feel. Lately neither of those worked since my depression hyperfocused on my writing and feelings of being not good enough to be around.

Right now I am not depressive at least I don’t think so. I’ve also kinda taking some gummies(THC) to help keep me calm since yes I do have them because they do help my anxiety calm it’s tits (all my friends saying i should try to get a medical license since i know it helps but hfjekw)

But it doesn’t hurt to send a helpful or kind anon, or throwing something out to distract my brain from whatever it is. These are my main ways of being able to give me energy to beat up my thoughts because reassurance is something my brain needs as more like the ammunition or weapon I can beat it back. Think of me holding and I know it’s not the best analogy in modern day but, me holding an empty gun against the monster that is my depression. Reassurance mixed with tough love gives me another bullet to beat it back. Though there is no silver bullet each one gives me another thing I can use to logically beat back my emotions. I try to fight it with Logic, but when I have no more ammunition to use, I am overcome by it.

I am trying to work with my therapist to not need to rely on everyone else all the time for this, and most of the time I don’t. I don’t talk a lot about the struggles I have daily, it’s just when it bubbles up too much I feel an impulse to say it, to speak out, to scream into the void and call for help. I feel bad doing so, I don’t like depression posting, but often it’s when I’m at my end do I make those posts.

I learned recently if I don’t ask for help or don’t seek someone out I can act in ways that are extremely self harming which again is why I’m speaking with my therapist and psychiatrist about it.

I do appreciate the want to help, and you’re always welcome to just know sometimes people can’t help and please don’t put my mental state and how it is on your shoulders. You are never obligated to help, you are not my therapist, and sometimes nothing can be done but that’s okay. Never do more than you yourself can handle, never hurt yourself to help me or anyone because you matter as well, your mental health is also important and shouldnt be compromised to help me

Thank you so much, just seeing this message does mean a lot knowing there are people who do care and do want to help <3 Thank you friend

[phoenixyfriend]

The “Momma Sturmvoraus was Literally Satan” AU

As requested by @spazzbot​. This AU was initially brainstormed on the GG fanworks server almost a year ago. Specifically, on the first day of 2020.

[ID: a truncated discord message by “Miss Nixy, Gay for RoboLadies” posted 01/01/2020. The message reads “I need to sleep but please for the moment consider:” and ends there.]

So. Let’s get to it.

Satan took a human form because why not see what's going on topside, live like a human, and “Oh shit is this pregnancy? This is pregnancy. Fuck, that's a tiny human. Which is now half demon. Am I supposed to take care it? Wonder if retconing this form into that Valois family was a bad idea. They do have SO much money though, I get to live like a queen. I suppose another child shouldn't hurt, it wasn't that bad. Oh, he's cute, this is actually making sense, why humans do all the sinning. Not counting dear Aaronev's murders, of course, those are just evil, but I did search out the worst of the humans to pair myself to...”

This is literally just "Tarvek and Anevka's mom was low-key Satan on a bored “let's be human for a decade or two to see what happens” jaunt, consequences happen because these kids are LITERALLY half-demon and arguably anti-Christs."

Also it's just Very Funny for Tarvek, ineffectual sexy lamp fashion twunk extraordinaire, to be an antichrist

Jeff thinks he’s pretty. Jeff keeps describing features that don’t entirely make sense. (Jeff’s canon name is Karl Thotep but they spent so long unnamed that the server collectively named them Jeff.)

This is not a crossover with anything, btw. Ambiguously Pop Culture Satan just got bored and went to have babies with a serial killer.

They’re just kids! That are vaguely demonic. So. Moreso than the rest of the Valois.

Sometimes "mom" comes back from the dead and visits Anevka and Tarvek to impart Wisdom and possibly magic lessons The rooms always smell faintly of sulfur after that...

They try to put Anevka in the machine but SHE isn't hurt and the MACHINE just melts

So that's the end of that.

It's very awkward for everyone, but the paperwork isn't too bad. It's very easy to write "incidental fire began during late-fugue experimentation, resulted in fire spreading through six rooms and several casualties, including Prince Aaronev Wilhelm Sturmvoraus."

As per @atagotiak​, “I feel like if we’re going in any way dimensional weirdness with thing, Tarvek got so good at exploring bc he could just clip through walls.”

With image provided by @thisarenotarealblog​:

Tarvek in Paris: My dead mother keeps showing up in my dreams to tell me I need to seduce my way out of my problems and also she looks like Satan. Tarvek's Voltaire-Appointed Therapist: I still don't know what that means. Just like the last five times. Tarvek: I keep telling her that I can’t seduce Colette, if seduction is that important she should get Anevka to do it.

Like he probably wouldn’t say most of that in front of any Voltaire-approved individual, but still.

Tarvek is still very good at self control but there's a Special Edge to his rants.

(Derailed in the moment to me thinking about Anevka in a sfw-but-concerningly-deadly succubus getup, because... yeah.)

Aaronev dies and goes to hell and his dead wife is just there like "hi! Time to be tortured for eternity!" He wasn't a good husband so. He can't exactly sentimentalize his way out.

“In the sexy way?” “... not for you, no.”

Mostly I just want the BULLSHIT that is "Storm Mom was actually just Satan getting bored and going on vacation as a retconned Valois girl, the kids are half-demons and sometimes it Shows."

To clarify: the Satan bit isn't the retcon. Grandma used to have one daughter. Now there are two. (Seffie and Martellus's mother doesn't remember being an only child, but sometimes...)

Satan retconned a new daughter in, which included a Valid Valois Venusian Vestment, so the blood tests play out.

The subtle signs of wrongness would be fun too. Anevka tends to smile a bit too wide and sharp for a human face. Inexplicable uneasiness, here you can’t point at any specific thing that’s wrong but it’s uncomfortable. Uncanny valley prettiness, almost like the porcelain she became in other timelines. Skin isn’t supposed to be that smooth.

My brain's pre-nap contribution at that point was "Satan's pronouns when not pretending to Human are sin/sinself" which is! Certainly a thing.

Tarvek, at some nebulous future point: I mean, your ancestors were monsters, but my dad was a serial killer and my mom was literally Satan, instead of just figuratively like Lucrezia, so. I mean. I kind of get what you're going through.

Per @firebirdeternal: Tarvek and Anevka growing up with "you're allergic to holy water" and not questioning it until a little later because What.

And then they test it and it's like "yeah, no, there's a rash now. That stung. What the fuck."

It INFURIATES Gil in Paris when Tarvek tells him that's a thing, because there's nothing chemically different about Holy water and regular water. But no, this is somehow happening.

It gets logged in medical journals as a Valois genetic thing because, well, Mom was like that too, right?

One time they both go into a church for an Adventure and Gil is very annoyed to find that Tarvek is like. Faintly smoking. It smells like burnt hair in here.

Gil: What smells like burnt hairgel? Tarvek: [glares]

Gil decides that it must be something particular to the church, like a fungus or something in the stone, contaminating the air and water so it only LOOKS like the holiness is what's setting off reactions.

It is not.

Tarvek once got into an argument with someone and ate a slab of raw, completely uncooked meat as a power move.

SVV seems to work perfectly. Everyone is fine. We get the ‘you fight like ducks’ moment.

And then Tarvek bursts into flames, and everyone panics because no they fixed this what the fuck is he still infected with Hogfarb’s oh my god... and then everything settles down and he's perfectly fine. Not a scratch on him, no longer turning funny colors. Completely unharmed. He's in a nicely tailored suit and looks faintly stunned

"I just met my dead mom, who's apparently Satan. She told me that after I died the first time just now, I should be harder to kill later, especially with fire, because now there's more demon and less mortal and guys I think I'm going crazy." "Is that a martini?" Tarvek looks down. "Apparently."

Tarvek starts just. Randomly setting things on fire by glaring too hard and has to tone it down. Meanwhile, Agatha and Gil are having crises about how he's somehow getting PRETTIER.

Is he faintly glowing? Maybe!

Gil handles it by angrily sniping at Tarvek about how of COURSE he's an evil little rat with a background like that.

Tarvek just wants a nap and to forget this ever happened. Many people are sworn to secrecy. It's very awkward.

Still, SVV did something, for handwave-y reasons, and so they're linked now. Gil and Agatha both getting tiny flashes of the same shenanigans.

They get none of the powers. They just keep getting Weird Shit.

Other characters with divine influence are like "Did you.... did you make a pact with a demon?" "What no that's our boyfriend."

Tho tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if a Heterodyne did sign a contract with a demon at some point in exchange for like. Materials. A hundred souls sacrificed in exchange for some succubus blood. Thanks!

Tarvek and Othar: Falling out of CW as in canon. Tarvek: WHAT THE HELL SINCE WHEN DO I HAVE WINGS HIDE THIS BEFORE I GET BOOTED FROM THE LINE FOR THE THRONE

IDK where Anevka is during all this. I think she might have decided to go sleep her way through the courts of the Ice Tsars. Vacation, y'know?

Othar after he's decided to make Tarvek his new Heroic Apprentice: AH, my poor afflicted young friend, it's noble of you to go against the dark nature of your tragic heritage like this. Tarvek: I hate you. I wish I could hate you to death. But you have a point. I shouldn't let my father's blood limit what I strive for in life. Othar: I... I thought your mother was... Tarvek: I know what I said.

Tarvek: Also you can't tell ANYONE about that, I can't have them thinking I'm not actually in line for the Storm King's throne.

He does admittedly have to like. Explain things to Grandma.

Terabithia is Tarvek’s maternal grandmother so this is supremely awkward. That said...

Grandma fondly remembers her pregnancy cravings; bone marrow and sulfur.

"Yeah so, my mother, your daughter, was... maybe actually Satan? But retconned into your life?" "Tarvek, darling, please. I figured that out half a century ago."

TARVEK ACCIDENTALLY FINDS HIM HIMSELF WEIRDLY INTENSE AT CONTRACTS

I mean that honestly just Tracks about Tarvek anyways? But like moreso.

He just. Writes something up and there's things getting signed or shook on and then the person tries to break the contract and either suddenly catch fire or are deeply unlucky for a set amount of time.

And Tarvek's just standing there like "how in the FUCK did I do that?"

Severity of infernal punishment depends on the severity of the breach of contract.

Tarvek finds out that Anevka's been convincing rich people to sign their souls over to her. It's a fun challenge. She keeps them in jars.

They can still remotely pilot their bodies but like. They can't TELL anyone what happened.

Satan: I'm going to go make babies and now everyone else has to deal with the consequences.

Anevka's living up to that whole "princess of hell" vibe. Tarvek's just like "nope nope nope I want the storm throne, not the hell throne, BYE MOM."

Satan's just feeling sinself down in hell like "awwww look at my babies go, aren't they adorable?"

Tarvek: Anevka, what... first off, how did you figure it out? Anevka: Well, I temporarily died when father put me in the machine, and... I can't say that hell kicked me out because they were afraid I'd take over, but mother DID say she'd rather I play about with human governments instead of Hell's. Tarvek: Okay, cool cool cool. What after you planning to DO with all these souls? Anevka: They make for some lovely reading lamps, don't they?

(Anevka absolutely sets herself the goal of acquiring new titles that rival her old ones, or even surpass them. She just black widows her way through Europa.)

I just want someone (probably Snackleford) to ascend, take one look at Tarvek, and run SCREAMING.

Tarvek still needed to be anchored to Higgs, because Tarvek is Baby.

Gil is eventually in a relationship with an Eternal God Queen and the Literal Son of Satan.

Family dinners can include ALL the in-laws if you duck down to hell! - You borrow Bill from... probably heaven, maybe purgatory. - You have Lu and Aaronev and Satan already there, though the first two... well. Aaronev and Lu get invited to dinner but they have to eat by themselves at the kiddy table and nobody talks to them or acknowledges their presence. After all, this is hell, and what better punishment for Lu than to be completely ignored, and for Aaronev to see Lu at her worst and be reminded that he gave everything for this horrible, horrible person who isn't even pretending to care about him anymore. - Zanta and Klaus get invited via portal. - Anevka saunters in with a blood-soaked dress and a complaint about militant demon-hunters refusing to let her go shopping for a new pair of shoes. - Zeetha tagged along with the OT3. (She can't wait to see this situation explode.)

Oh God, Satan is actually second place as far as good parenting goes.

Well, actually, fourth. Because Adam and Lilith. But second as far as bio parents go. 1. Zanta 2. Satan 3. Klaus 4/5. Lu and Aaronev N/A. Bill

Someone (Anevka) decides to stir the pot and invites Von Pinn, Terabithia, Bang.

Bang is basically Gil’s older sister, right? Right.

This is Zanta meeting Bang for the first time! Zanta is just: "It's so nice to meet my husband's adopted daughter." Klaus freezes. Bang freezes. Gil is the only one who is just. "Yeah." Meanwhile Zeetha is crying with laughter off to the side because both of them deserve this. (Zanta would legit love Bang though.)

Agatha: Tarvek, I think DuPree is-- Tarvek: Hitting on my sister? I know. Agatha: On your mom, actually. Tarvek: NO!

Also I do love the idea of like. Nobody tells Bang they're inviting her. She just wakes up in Hell like. "Ah. Yes. Fair enough."

Satan: Oh no no no my dear, you're here as a guest. Besides as well as you'd fit you're not one of mine, you've got other things waiting for you. Bang: Okay, but I love the decor. And is that Cheesecake?

Bang’s family has their own evil god in the novels, but! Bang DID pick on Tarvek a lot in Paris. Satan cares more than Anevka does. Bang might get the sexy punishment.

I feel like the fact that no permanent damage was done and it taught Tarvek a lot of things means Satan isn't gonna be all that upset about it.

And let's be real, if there's a character in GG who could look the literal Christian devil in the eye and be like "Yeah I tortured your kid, what're you going to do about it?" it's Bang.

Even Satan doesn't know what to do or think about Othar.

He sure is here! As Anevka’s arm candy! Nobody knows what to do except Anevka herself, who just wants to be Smug.

(What's that scene from Phineas and Ferb that's the mad scientist trapping the platypus within the rules of polite dining at a fine restaurant? Like he can't make a scene because that would be rude?) (That. Othar would dearly love to start a fight, but it's a Family Dinner. You're only allowed to fight verbally at those.)

(Othar isn't even fighting Satan, he just wants to argue with Klaus.) (And maybe fanboy in Bill's direction a bit).

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 10

post directory

obsetress:

obsetress: this is actually exes au owen and viola and i. hate it

obsetress: i think exes au owen and vi actually really get along like

obsetress: same w hannah and vi

obsetress: like hannah and owen just… water off a ducks back yknow

obsetress: hannah side eyes her a lil more than owen but they always enjoy joining dani n jamie when they go to vi and beccas sometimes

em: big dumb family

obsetress: my big dumb found family

em: i think owen and vi realise they have a mutual passion for: annoying the shit out of jamie

obsetress: rip jamie taylor

em: one day i will stop bullying jamie taylor but its not today!

obsetress: interesting how

obsetress: jamie no parents dani no parents viola no parents

em: (holds back tears) fascinating

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: viola late to brunch, coming from therapy: so have you all heard of reparenting

em: viola is um. peak ‘i don’t do small talk’ she just goes straight into. tell me about ur trauma

em: she doesn’t have time!

obsetress: which honestly tracks for all of them. jamie first date mum woz looez taylor

obsetress: but yeah viola like. all the time more so, can't be assed

em: damie taking the time to make a space for these nice little earnest heavy convos god bless and then violas like (slams take away coffee on table, startling damie, rebecca unphased) so. today in therapy

obsetress: yeah and like she says she's late because she's coming straight out of therapy but she had time to get her $12 cappuccino?

---

obsetress: vi walking into isabel's room n seeing her curled up w rebecca while rebecca reads her a bedtime story

em: ah

em: AH

em: Ahhhhh

obsetress: rebecca looks up n sees her looking and smiles softly back

obsetress: rebecca kisses isabel's forehead and pulls her covers up and slips out to meet vi in the hallway and then just. rests her palms against her chest and beams up at her

obsetress:viola's just kinda staring yk

em: i think a lot about how like, as a woman of her status viola was absolutely sharp as a razor

em: knew like five languages, a lady and a scholar type deal

em: like the closest we get to that mentioned is her insane business n strategy savvy but

em: idk! viola talk dirty to me in middle french

obsetress: all of the above

obsetress: exes au viola speaks french (because duh) n portuguese n mandarin i think

obsetress: yknow business and globalization and all that

em: beautiful

em: oh my god the horses i forgot abt the horses

obsetress: THE HORSES

em: idk enough about horse girl culture but she has that crop for a reason

em: and not just to make me flustered

em: exes au viola has a country mansion or a stable or whatever and an obscene flat

obsetress: her family home

obsetress: LONG WEEKENDS AT HER FAMILY HOME

obsetress: so much potential

em: she’s walking the grounds and she’s pointing out all of the history and violas face lights up for exactly two things

em: destroying a competitor and family

---

obsetress: idk if you've ever watched dead to me

obsetress: different context but, all i could think was

obsetress: vi and rebecca stay over at dani and jamie's once in a blue moon and dani's still asleep and rebecca's working out or smth and jamie wanders into the kitchen and viola's making a french press

----

em: maybe a little buzzed but perhaps. post break up toxic danvi

[spotify link to love me dead by ludo]

obsetress: now i’m thinking about how dani and vi def hook up after they break up and how it def happens multiple times :/

obsetress: dani tops vi every time :/

em: posts danvi post breakup hookup and falls asleep... a cage of my own making bc now I’m thinking about it

obsetress: it’s what you deserve

obsetress: i hope you think about it all day with no outlet because that’s definitely what i’ve been doing

em: i have an outlet i’m gonna draw horny art

obsetress: viola like. inviting dani to a meal post breakup for closure or whatever and dani knows better but she does it ANYWAY because part of her still feels..... y’know. there’s always gonna be something there

obsetress: and viola tells her she’s found a therapist and working on herself and dani just like

obsetress: they finish dinner and dani kinda looks at her and she’s like “can i come home with you?” all matter of fact

em: olivia rodrigo voice i guess that therapist i found for you she really helped (now you can be a better woman for your brand new girl)

obsetress: and then like. dani keeps leaving stuff or viola will be like oh i found another thing of yours and the second dani comes in every time they’re both just. all over each other

obsetress: anyway um dani likes it because she doesn’t have to worry about emotionally regulating viola and can grow and be her own person but then finally they’re in bed one night and vi’s like “what if you just... moved back in”

obsetress: and dani’s just like

obsetress: she YEETS

obsetress: and then they don’t talk for however long and live their lives and never see each other again until the video store

em: i love like um. messy constant on and off danvi

em: actually dani maybe you SHOULD stop fucking your ex

obsetress: honestly SAME idk how we didn’t think of this sooner

---

obsetress: also. remembered i came up with a bunch of stuff for kmd in my notes app when i was tryna fall asleep last night so i opened it up and

[Hannah Notes App Transcription:

Danvi exes - dani actually thinks shes v empowered hooking up with her ex lmfao she’s proud of herself for not getting emotionally involved and doing something for her and thinks thats growth fjdndnkdkf]

obsetress: dani after breaking up with viola, on her way to hook up with viola

em: dani is all my mutuals that are constantly rt things about growth and cutting off toxic ppl in her life n putting out good energy

em: like i um agree w the sentiment but ur not gonna catch me rting it

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: i love her

obsetress: she's so dumb

em: danis severe astrology phase

em: brief but severe

obsetress: her crystal collection

obsetress: i can't stop thinking about the whole. dani hooking up w vi after theyre broken up

obsetress: literally have not been able to stop thinking about it since

obsetress: ugh

em: drunk em is like

em: i dont know where that came from

em: i am terrified of where that came from

obsetress: just absolutely

obsetress: unhinged and so enlightened all at once

em: i cannot stop thinking abt it

obsetress: cannot! stop!

em: i think if dani isnt gonna necessarily be stuck w eddie for like. 2 decades she can get her fix of dumb bitch elsewhere

----

em: more damie vibecca parallels: phat ass gf and lean (well. scrawny mothefucker jamie taylor) gf

obsetress: jamie why are all the women around me always so hot taylor

dani and rebecca and viola: well, actually, you’re—

jamie: wot

em: a truck or a train or whatever goes past n blares its horn every time someone’s abt to reveal to jamie shes Hot

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #400

“it’s an age-old story: the first will be last, and the last will be kings  /  the small will be great, and the great will be weak”

Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom; I thank her every time she cooks for me/us, and I really do mean it. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Somewhere around a month. What was the last thing to really surprise you? My brother has a fiancee and is having another son! :') Have you ever found out that you have been sleep walking? No. Have you ever tried making something from one of those short cooking videos? How did it turn out? No. Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No. What was the last thing you had the urge to do? Idk about anything notable. Is there anyone you feel that takes you for granted? No. What is the last thing you had a craving for? A donut. Do you ever read the comments on social media posts? Sometimes. What was the last thing you felt like you wasted money on? It's so rare that I buy things with my own cash that I really don't know. What was the last thing you wanted to buy, but couldn’t afford? Venus' terrarium on my own. Mom has to help me with buying it. What is a recipe you’d like to try to make for yourself? I don’t cook, so. What goes through your mind when you look back at old photographs of yourself? More than anything, I get sad over how much weight I've gained. I was so healthy once upon a time. It also just makes me miss my childhood. What was the subject matter of the last email you sent? I believe it was about setting up an appointment with my therapist. How do you get your news? Facebook articles, really. What do you think about lizards? I love them! I was that kid that always tried to catch them when I saw 'em. Now I just observe because I don't want to terrify them by trying to pick them up. Have you ever done consumer testing (testing products before they come out on the market)? If not, would you ever want to? No, but sure, I'd do it. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Both. The time I received morphine, it did jack-all for me. If you had to choose which video game to be in, which would it be? Hmmm... I would say Azeroth from World of Warcraft, but too much shit goes down, ha ha. Perhaps the top of the temple in Shadow of the Colossus? So long as I could have someone I love with me, I'd be in Heaven. Although... I doubt there's WiFi there, so I might drop that answer, lmfao. I really don't know. Between the two, would you rather live in a place where it’s only night or where it’s only day? Day. I need the natural light of day sometimes, and if I wanted to sleep, I could just find shade. If you had to be an actor/actress in a movie, what genre of the movie would you be best at? Fantasy. Out of fire, earth, water, wind, light, and dark, which element appeals the most to you? Dark. What’s one thing that you wish was real? Friendly dragons, haha. Is there anything (show, comedian, etc.) that you constantly quote or make references to? No. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have absolutely no idea. I don't even remember almost any of them. What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? Yes. Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Yeah, sometimes. I genuinely don't mind her. Do you still make Christmas lists? Yeah, because I'm asked to. Do you watch the show Dexter? Never seen it. Which musical instrument do you think sounds the prettiest? I'm torn between the violin, harp, and piano. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom, by a year. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? A lot, actually. Is there any food in your bedroom? What? I have these tictacs I keep in my purse in case of a dry mouth. Medication makes me have that severely, and my psychiatrist recommended me to always have a hard candy available to suck on since it forces salivation. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? My younger sister, badly. How far away do your grandparents live from you? They're all dead, but they lived in far away states. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? None. It's a bad idea to keep chips in this house, haha. Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Well, I was born with dirty blonde hair like my dad, but my hair is thick and more similar in color now to my mom's before the cancer completely drained the color. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH MY GOD LA;KSDJFAKLWJE I DON'T KNOW I LOOK AWFUL IN EVERYTHING. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Teared up, yes, multiple times. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but that's the extent of it. If you were adopted, would you want to know? At this point in my life, I don't really know. I kinda find myself leaning towards no. Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman sure does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? I want to say that was the night before I was getting my tattoo redone. Do you own any flip-flops? Yeah, considering they're like... all I wear, ever. Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) It was the only lucid dream I've ever had and I'm not complaining about it lmao. Have you ever had a dream that upset you or made you cry? Oh I'm sure. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Not to my recollection, no, and I don't believe you should ever adopt that mentality and say that to someone. Do you own a laser? No. Is there anything you like to put on a sandwich, that some might find odd? Nah. I do enjoy a layer of potato chips on some sandwiches, like ham and cheese, but I know that's like an actual thing some people just like. What colour are the shoes you wear most often? They're black flip-flops. When was the last time you were required to put on a mask? In the morning when I go to the TMS office. And what colour was the last mask you wore? It's one of those normal blue and white medical ones. The last time you were in a queue, what were you waiting for? To see the woman who would give me my APAP mask. Have you had your Covid vaccine yet? Which one, if you have? Yes, Moderna. If you've had your vaccine, did you experience any side effects? None for the first shot, but my second shot bruised badly and I felt seriously shitty the following day. I was perfectly fine afterwards, though. Can any of your friends sing well? Which one has the nicest singing voice? Sara has an AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING voice. When was the last time you wore make-up, if ever? What shades/colours? I don't even remember, but I'm sure it would've been black. What is something that seems popular, but doesn't interest you personally? Fashion, various TV shows, etc... Are you clumsy or graceful? I am STUPID clumsy. Like it's just ridiculous. Do you like gloves? I like fingerless gloves. Does your sibling(s) have braces? My older sister did as a kid. Do you ever say "OMG" in person? No; it's a random pet peeve of mine, "Internet talk" irl. What was the last thing your parents got mad at you for? Dad, no idea. Mom, uhhhh. Not "mad," but "annoyed" probably better fits how she felt about me leaving the heating pad I use for my cramps on the floor. Do your pets have favorites? I'm definitely Roman's favorite seeing as he is my literal shadow, and I'd assume Venus trusts me more than anyone else, but realistically, she's in contact with almost no one else, so. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Why did you break up? The first guy to have the title of "boyfriend" was Aaron, and I broke up with him 'cuz I just wasn't as romantically into him as I thought I might be. It was puppy-dog love, and I feel I knew that. My first *real* boyfriend was Jason, who broke up with me because my mental illnesses began to affect his wellbeing. Which I now accept is fine, but he seriously coulda gone about things differently... When was the last time you got a new bed? Is your bed comfy? Late into my teenage years; idk the exact age and don't feel like doing the math. Teddy kept peeing on the bed to where it was just unrecoverable and needed to be thrown away. My current bed is comfy enough. What kind of games did you play on the playground when you were younger? My absolute favorite was digging tunnels in the sandbox, pretending to be a meerkat. The only trend I ever created, haha, seeing as my classmates got into it with me, allowing us to make huge tunnel systems. It was really cool. I also liked playing 4 Square (which I now don't even remember the details of) on the basketball court. Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yeah, my driver's ed instructor and the guy who was on the same route as me. What’s your favorite thing to do when drunk? Would you do this sober? N/A Are you a fan of dogs? Do you have any as pets? I'm picky with dogs. I like interacting with any dog, but I don't plan on ever owning another. I don't like how hyper they can be, and I prefer more independent pets, like cats. Basically, I'll be hyped to meet a random dog on the street and give it some loving, but I don't want to take it home to be my own. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? No. I cannot stand elitists. Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? And I hate gatekeeping in fandoms even more. There are varying intensities of "being a fan," but regardless, if you like something, congratulations, you're a valid, "real" fan. What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? I don't pay attention to this, honestly. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? I'll wear either, but without is way more comfortable. If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? God no. What length do you like your shorts to be? I don’t wear shorts. What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Warcraft, but not because it was bad. I've talked before how in the theater, the orcs' voices were just so fucking baritone that I couldn't understand almost ANYTHING they said. Kinda ruined the experience for me. What was the last disappointing book you read? Don't recall. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Very rarely. If I do, they're mostly of animals being silly. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Probably Dory, but idk. There's WAY too many options to fish through.

[theindigomillennialchronicles]

Blog Entry 6

08/30/2021

10 days ago marked the 2 year anniversary of the death of my best friend of 11 years. She was born 03/11/1996, died 08/20/2019, right before the pandemic started rampaging. Writing that word, “died”…it’s hard. Harder to say. It’s been a rough time since then. I went into the pandemic already severely depressed, anxious and grieving for her loss. Then I got reinjured at work and fell behind on bills because my doctor didn’t properly fill out a document so my 7 months worth of worker’s compensation claims were denied. A lot has happened. I mean A LOT. I know nobody actually reads this blog. I use it more for a place to vent and make order of the emotional soup and rampaging mess that are my thoughts. I’ve spoken to 3 therapists in that time and all of them recommended I should go to a psychiatrist, that I might need to be medicated. Unfortunately all of that is expensive and I fell so far behind on my bills from the 7 months of no income that everything I started earning once I got cleared to return to work, I used to catch up as much as I could. I ended my marriage in 2019 as well. The loss of Lash (my bff) made me realize how short life is and how one day I could die, seemingly out of nowhere and have never cared about my happiness. I had to be selfish for a time, I had to choose me and in that process I realized something about myself. I’m polyamorous. Maybe I’ll get into all that in the next blog entry.

Not everything that has happened has been negative, however. After 7 year of destroying my body and mental health, I quit my federal job and decided to start over somewhere new. I’m moving to the country and am going to start my dream of building a self sufficient homestead. Getting into all those details would entitle an entirely different blog so I’ll move past that to the biggest blessing I have received. Sometime through my time being separated and decide to focus on me I met her. We met at the club, she asked me for my number, and for someone severely introverted that gets you points. Anyway I gave her my info that night and six months later, I asked her to be my girlfriend on a camping trip. Being polyamorous is weird sometimes. To experience the heartbreak of ending a marriage while experiencing he high of falling in love with someone new made me feel like I was going insane. At times guilty as if I was wrong, but after all this time to be home and do research, educate myself and speak to others like me, I learned that it was normal and it would all fall into place with time. Spoiler, it did.

Fast forward to today, I’m writing again, my mental health is still a struggle but I’ve cleared the mind space enough to remember my passions. I have project ideas and new ways to share infinite consciousness with those around me. September 1st we are leaving on our long road trip north to a new adventure, and the best part is I for once feel safe and like I’m not carrying the weight of the world and it’s responsibilities alone. She showed me a new kind of love. I’m beyond grateful to have her in my life.

So that’s what I have been up to…anyway, now that we got that over with I have some of those random thoughts to share. I started reading a revised version of the Gnostic Bible and it pushed me to these random thoughts. See, I’ve always felt this weird fear with religion. I mean apart from the trauma of growing up in a aggressively Pentecostal household, as an adult religion makes a weird dark feeling crawl up my spine. According to the Gnostics, the god of the christian bible is actually the bad son of the actual real life force energy and this planet was created out of envy and jealousy. Making it the reason why this world is so full of darkness, pain and anguish. They say we were imprisoned in this physical form by a him as a way to try and harness the energy our souls carry. The way to salvation being knowledge, not as in book smart but as in true infinite wisdom. The knowledge of ourselves, past present future all connecting us to the real creator.

I’m still working on finishing the book but just the bit I read opened up a whole new can of worms because lately I’ve been feeling off. My existential crisis has been flaring, I find myself disassociating a lot or going about my days in a fog. I hear things when nothing is there and I’ve been absorbing people’s emotions too much for my own good. I get random moments of extreme sadness on days when my morning went great. Idk how my gf deals with it but she’s been keeping me grounded. She has bpd, and adhd so she has her own battles to fight and I always help her as I should, we keep each other above water, yet I feel most days she’s better of without me, not because I’m no good but because I feel like I wont ever feel normal, like I don’t belong in this reality. There’s a darkness about this dimension. IDK wtf is going on but people are walking around empty eyed, I guess a pandemic will do that to us.

I’m not giving up, don’t worry, but I keep feeling like a huge change is coming and if I don’t do something about my noggin I’ll miss out on being a apart of the shift that is nearing. In my opinion we’ll either be the generation that changes this planets course or, we’ll let the dark forces win and cause us to be so busy fighting with one another to try and stop the train of humanity which is barreling down the tracks towards a cliff that will toss us right off the edge of existence. Millennials and GenZ are creating a lot of noise currently, I’m proud. I just wish more of us would stick to it instead of just posting when it’s viral. I’ve decided that being as my social anxiety is so bad, I’ll start working on my grain of salt by using my creative energy. I’ll try to build a platform, a stage where I can express myself and educate through the communication noise of 1s and 0s that is the internet.

I’ve been told that the best thing to do to fight low frequencies and pain is to produce alot of love energy. So I’ll start there. As always remember I am here. If you need an ear or someone to tell happy things to. Maybe that’ll help. Maybe hearing your good will help me appreciate mine more. I’ll be back tomorrow. I have a project to get started. I have dreams of an audiobook series. I decided to stop letting it stay a dream.

Much love. Day

[lie---ability]

for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.

[rivkahstudies]

Hi, i've been having big troubles with wanting to be better at academia and stuff but im not really sure how to get started... i sorta feel like an imposter a lot but im trying to not let it affect me but sometimes i just have moments of excruciating executive dysfunction where i can't move because I want to do so many things and my body is fighting against me... Idk if i even have a question really but it feels better to tell you this... i really look up you a lot and have for a long time...

Hi nonnie! It’s incredibly brave of you to drop this in my inbox. Yes, even anonymously. It takes a lot to even type that kind of honesty out. So thank you, and I hope you take a moment to thank yourself.

Secondly, thank you for touching my heart by your kind words. I hope you realize as you look up to me that I have the same kind of feelings, as do many studyblrs–and I’m dedicated to being honest about it so you don’t feel as if you have to live up to a perfect (and impossible, and fake) standard. I go to therapy regularly despite being in a lot better place than I used to be, because it’s almost like going for a mental check-up or gym session, and my therapist helps me sort through even tiny things so I can build better habits and mindsets. But I still remember feelings of dysfunction well, and I still battle with imposter syndrome!

The most important key ideas here are attainable goals and self talk. Both of these ideas don’t come easily, they do take work, but they’re tools that make other difficult things easier over time, with persistence.

When your body is fighting you (and really, more than anything with executive dysfunction, your mind is fighting you and making your body less functional), even baby steps can be difficult. For you, it could be anything from exercising to studying to eating to showering. Big or small, it’s totally valid that you may or may not struggle with it, and it doesn’t make you desperate for attention, or fake, or pathetic.

Let’s take your desire to “get better at academia.” That could mean a lot of things, so I’m going to latch onto one facet of it as an example. If it doesn’t apply with that exact example, that’s completely okay! Just alter it to apply to what you are struggling with, or desiring.

1. Big, abstract goal: to get better at academia

2. What that means (for this example): developing better study habits

3. What kind of things constitute that? That’s still a big, abstract goal that sounds quite formidable and unattainable. List out as many things as you can that you are striving to do or would want to try. Not everything might work for you!

Managing time better

scheduling study time

being accountable via apps or with family/friends

being efficient or effective (i.e. not getting distracted 

Finding study habits that work for you and for the class’ requirements

flashcards

typed computer notes

handwritten computer notes

handwritten paper notes

infographics

youtube videos

interactive online exercises

conversations with classmates, tutors, or professors

podcasts

mind maps

journal entries

presentations

self-made study guides

practice tests (self-made or provided, online or on paper)

Feynman’s technique–writing a summary of what you’re studying, and then comparing it to the actual material. Whatever is missing is what you need to focus on, because my mantra is that it will always appear on the test.

ranking the subjects or topics by what you know most to least and studying from the bottom up. I can post a more detailed guide to this if you want! just hit me up again.

Also changing the way you treat and care for yourself

setting a stable routine

eating better (this means different things for different people–maybe you need more Vitamin C, so you should focus on more fruits in your diet, or iron, so vegetables, etc… consult with a doctor or registered dietician, not a nutritionist since they don’t have to have a degree or certification)

going to bed at a routine time

if you have to choose one, make the wake up time set. that way, if you do go to bed late but wake up at that time, it’ll reset your body clock to be sleepier earlier the next day. it’ll eventually even itself out. 

drinking more water

setting up or revising your skin care routine

taking measured and unmeasured breaks away from studying to allow the information to set in your brain and to give your mind and body a much-needed reprieve

setting limits on how much screentime you want yourself to add

Self-talk

This is the big one I want to impart on you before this post is over.

You can’t just try to implement these better habits. You also have to focus on what you’re thinking when you’re doing or not doing them, and how you’re psychologically treating yourself. This isn’t easy! It takes a lot of time. And that’s okay. You aren’t going to be free of this stuff overnight. I’ve been working on this stuff actively since I was about 17 and I’m still struggling with it. But I’m also much better at addressing it than I was almost three years ago.

Be aware

Recognize when you’re treating yourself harshly. Acknowledge those times you say “I’m not good enough” in the very back of your mind. Because a lot of times we aren’t even fully conscious of how much we say “I hate myself” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”

Once you’ve done that, start calling attention to it.

Hold yourself accountable. If this were someone hurting a friend of yours, you would likely be calling them out for the whole world to know their cruel behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s the same thing for yourself! Those awful thoughts in your brain might live there from self-doubt, mental illness, or other reasons, but you do get to decide if they pilot your actions and your mentality, even if they’re whispering awful things about how you don’t have a choice but letting them be in control. 

I will freely admit on here that I’m attending therapy, because I seek to destigmatize it. I’m not at rock bottom. I’m not pathetic. I just noticed some things about me that I need to change, heal, and/or improve, and I wanted a professional to help me! Much like if I sprained my ankle or got a cold and needed to see a doctor. And one of the things that my therapist told me was as much as my anxiety felt debilitating, I am the one piloting my body and I am the one who gets to decide whether my self-talk is going to change.

And do it gently.

Not “you’re an awful person for saying these things about yourself.” You don’t solve bullying with bullying, and you definitely don’t solve putting yourself down or feeling like an imposter but doing more of the same. Instead, show compassion to yourself. 

Have a conversation with yourself.

“Why do I feel like this?” 

“Where is this coming from?”

“What makes me say that?” 

“What can I say instead?”

“What would make me feel better?”

“What could change my mindset about this problem?”

The choice is up to you how you do it. But pretend you’re pulling someone who is misbehaving or acting cruel aside, and instead of reprimanding them, you just gently put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I’m here. What’s going on? What’s causing this behavior?”

Do the same exact thing with yourself! Offer that compassionate hand. If you’re anything like me, your imposter system is probably coming from undue pressure on yourself, self-doubt, previous bad experiences, fear of failure or rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or any number of other things that could make you doubt your beauty, your talent, your work ethic, your ability to succeed.

And a lot more people have it than you think! Just don’t compare yourself to others when, even if you know them well, you can’t know them 100%. I’m sharing my experiences because I want you to know that you’re not alone. And I also want you to know that you can only fix yourself, you can only control yourself, and the same goes for others–they have no business (and probably aren’t thinking of having any business) judging you or controlling you. If they are, screw them. Your job is to take care of and focus on yourself.

Once you know where it’s coming from, start substituting the language.

You can’t do this. “You may not be able to do this yet, but with some effort, you’ll be able to–or, you’ll be close to being able to.”

You’re a failure. “Everyone makes mistakes or fails. It doesn’t define you.”

It was just luck that got you this far. “It was hard work, passion, and effort. Keep hanging onto those things.”

You’re not good enough. “You are enough, and you don’t exist for others. You exist for yourself.”

People will get bored of you. “You don’t exist to entertain or please others.”

There’s a million more I could go through, but hopefully these examples are enough for you to apply it to your own doubts.

This might be a good exercise to journal. Because then you actually have to get the thoughts out instead of them staying scrambled in your brain. Feel free to do a bulleted guide for yourself like this one!

Etc, etc, etc… Any one of these single bullets could be an entirely distinct post, but I hope this is enough to start you off, nonnie. I want to apologize for taking my sweet time responding, but I really hope you’re still out there, somewhere on tumblr, and you see this post. You are loved, nonnie, especially by me, and I’m always here if you need something. If you message me again, call yourself something, like “self talk nonnie,” so I know I’m still talking to you.

You are all loved! You are all enough! You are all valuable and beautiful as long as you stay true to yourselves.

[traumawings]

fighting with my mom, again.

probably won’t be the last time either. i can clearly tell she’s got a lot to say about this but she’s being passive-agressive just to hurt me a little extra. anyway this is a super long post, you’ve been warned.

so i wanted to like,, talk to my mom about moving out. she made a comment about the dishwasher and i responded "hah, i won't really have to deal with that anymore when i get out of here" (i'll admit, it was too late for a conversation like that and i could've been more tactful. idk i just thought i was being funny) and i don't even know how anymore, but at some point we were fighting about it.

and it may sound stupid, but i think that this fight with my mom, was actually just what i needed. it made me realize once again, just how much my mom isn't there for me and how much my friends are and most importantly, how much i can be there for myself too. because now, i can reassure myself again, that i am making the right choice by moving out. i am choosing what is best for ME and me only.

i mean, any other mom would support her daughter. sure they'd be sad to their daughter go, but they'd be comforted by the idea, that their daughter is finally starting to take steps towards possible recovery. instead, my mom just gets all cynical huffy and goes "i always did everything i could!!! i was always there for you!!" no the fuck you weren't and you know goddamn well that you weren't. that's why you're getting so defensive because if you just convince yourself hard enough that you always did everything right, you won't have to acknowledge the fact that you're actually one of the causes of your daughter's crippling mental health issues. god forbid that you feel guilty for hurting me so much, to the point where i have lost any sense of autonomy.

were you ashamed because S was sitting right there? are you afraid that people will see the REAL you? good. you fucking should be. you should be deeply ashamed of the things you've done to me, how much you’ve made me cry, especially these past few weeks. gaslighting me into fucking oblivion. i'm still doubting my own memories. i still ask myself, if i'm not the one who's truly abusive here. did i do enough? did i please you enough? i feel like i'm a fucking puppet and you're the puppeteer.

and of course, you don't know how i'm doing, REALLY doing. you don't want to know either, because deep down, you know i'm doing horribly, partially because of you. but it's easier to deny it. it's easier to deny that the things you say, make my heart sink and utterly destroy the tiny bit of happiness i was feeling at that moment. it's easier to deny that the only person who can make me sob like a child, is you.

i still haven't gotten over our last fight, y'know? i still haven't gotten over what you said to me. just thinking of it, makes me tear up and makes a lump form in my throat. "oh come on, you know that didn't really happen". i'm scared. what if you're right? what if i did make everything up? what if i read into things too much? you make me doubt myself more than anyone could. you ruined me just as much as dad, if not more.

and you constantly say that i'm "trying to control your life", just because i dont like it that you're constantly leaving to go see dad. your life? is that your whole fucking life? how pathetic. besides, who's the truly controlling one here? i'm not even allowed to look at you anymore, apparently, because my eyes are "cold" and make you feel like "you should just die". well gee mom, now you know what it's like, to feel so deeply hated by the person, who says they love you the most.

you're right, we can't fix this. but if you've known that for years, why did you never do anything about it? it's easy, to make your daughter into your fucking therapist, isn't it? it's easy to keep running away from the fact that you. need. some. goddamn. help, because you're suffocating me. i feel like i can't fucking breathe around you. and back at home, i didn't realize this. i always thought it was just dad who made me feel like that. sure, i still felt trapped when he wasn't there and i was alone with you, but i didn't even realize it anymore because i had grown so used to it, i thought it was just the after-effect of his awful fucking presence. but it's you too, mom. you drain me.

i just wish you truly cared sometimes. i just wish you would try to understand. i wish you'd hug me sometimes and tell me it's okay. it's okay to feel, it's okay to just be. i wish you'd acknowledge that you've hurt me and genuinely apologize and would actively work to better yourself. i wish you wouldn't tell me to "calm down" when i'm being hyper because i'm finally excited about something again. i wish you wouldn't act like i'm too much for you. i wish i was enough. i wish i could believe that you love me. but i don't think you, or dad love me. i don't think my parents love me. and how it fucking hurts, that they don't.

and i actually wanted to try to go to sleep on time today. fuck you for ruining that, too. i'm crying now.  

(sorry, this post is an absolute trainwreck. i just tried to write down as much as i could before i’d forget this feeling and the things she said.)

[theartoflivingalways]

i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point. 

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you. 

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so. 

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am. 

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry) 

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be. 

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well. 

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now? 

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to.  i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :) 

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them. 

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (: 

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

(: 

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and 

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time. 

[eclecticash22]

For the anon asking about the Norma Jeane anon! LD goes into more depth on this.

**Trigger Warning: sexual themes, self harm, suicide**

Also, before you begin reading I want to make sure that we’re on the same page. No judgment is welcome here. Anon doesn’t want to be judged and I do not want to see judgment. You’re entitled to your opinion, but if you have anything negative to say, then I ask that you keep it to yourself. This is a judgment free zone and it will not be tolerated! Thank you for being kind human beings.

Hi this is LD from the Norma Jeane ask. I was gonna answer this in your ask but the letter limit made it hard to explain. I ask that when you post this that my username remains unknown. To respond to the other anon, I asked another psychic on tumblr who I was in a past life. She said a European woman between the 50’s-70’s. Now I’m not sure what made me decide to look up Marilyn Monroe but I did and I just felt something. I’ve looked into her and we really have a lot of similarities and synchronicities. Our childhood is similar. My mother is someone that part of me loves but another part would rather stay away. My dad is in my life, but as rarely as we see each other he may as well be absent. Norma Jeane would go to the beach with her mom sometimes and she’s always loved the beach. The beach for me is one of the few places where all of my worries disappear. I overthink a lot. But being at the beach, there’s just one thing on my mind and that’s the water. ( I’m also the same person that asked you if I was a mermaid sorry😅). Anyway, like Norma Jeane I’ve also been sexualized at a young age. Like her, it started with ppl in my family. Idk i just always seemed to attract ppl in that way. I had mixed feelings about it at first. I loved the feeling of sex, craved it lots of times(I heard that not everyone who has been sexually exposed at a young se stays away from sex and the opposite may happen instead). However on the other hand, I felt dirty for the ppl that I’ve had those intimate moments with. It was never rape because i was never forced. It would just be suggested by a friend or cousin and I would give in. I always had a hard time saying no to ppl. I felt guilty and ashamed whenever I would touch myself( I probably should’ve warned from the beginning that this might get a bit sexual). However, I’m starting to embrace my sexuality and am learning that whatever attracts ppl to me is my own kind of power, so long as nobody takes advantage of that. I’ve never been in any foster home or orphanages but I remember my mom threatening me a lot of times about cps taking me away and telling me I would live in a foster home. I’ve stayed in numerous of different people’s households. Some family members. Some friends who I clung to( I think I have abandonment issues, I get very attached to ppl I like). Idk I was just always looking to stay with a family that wasn’t my own. I’m also very shy now in contrast to my friendly younger self. Despite that I’ve always been told that I’m good with words and speaking. I’ve always loved reading and am good at writing, although I don’t really like writing much. If you knew that Marilyn Monroe loved to read and wrote poetry, then congratulations you know more about her than most ppl who walk around with her on shirts and posters of her on their walls for aesthetic reasons( something that bothered me at first but whatever). I’ve also been into acting. My mom told me that I was good with speaking in public and that I should try it. She encouraged me to join in middle school but my shyness and fear of being embarrassed or made fun of prevented me from doing that. I tried out tho in high school. Although that was short lived because the theatre teacher left, she told me that I was good and I enjoyed acting very much. Animals are something else that I really loved. I always wanted a dog, but because I’ve lived in apartments almost my whole life, I always ended up with fish, which was probably a sign from my higher self that I was a mermaid but that’s a different story. I’m sorry I’m all over the place and I keep losing track. There’s just so many things to cover. Los Angeles is another place I’ve been interested in going to. Specifically Sherman Oaks. That’s because I had an obsession with the late Cameron Boyce, who now that I look back on had a few things in common with Marilyn Monroe, such as height, where he lived, being an actor, writing poetry, and dying at such an untimely age. My walk is something else that I think we have in common.

This doesn’t happen often because it’s not really noticeable, but every now and then someone would point out how I would twist or how my hips would sway whenever I walked. My mom looked at me funny once when I was younger when I walked in front of her. This is because I’m a guy. A bisexual guy specifically, which makes sense since Marilyn has been with many men. Maybe she’s been with a few women as well, or maybe I’m fully gay and just won’t accept it yet idk. I’ve always been feminine as well. I don’t identify as a woman, but I do feel like one lots of times. I’ve also been told a few times that i should be a model, mainly I think because of my long legs. A trait Marilyn also had. Maybe because of my face too but I don’t think I’m THAT good looking. Then again, there were ppl who didn’t find Marilyn attractive enough either. I’ve also been in a mental hospital once. I’ve had suicidal thoughts and even tried it a few times. I’ve seen a therapist, and right now, with how I’ve currently been feeling I wonder if I’m bipolar. I also suffer from insomnia and anxiety. Again, if you know more about Marilyn Monroe than just looks and glamour than you’ll understand. I also love the 50’s aesthetics. Although I’m a fan of the 80’s and 90’s as well so ig that probably doesn’t mean much. I love roses and been interested in gardening. I’ve also always wanted to live in one of those Spanish homes. I always found them beautiful.I love love. I love men, I love children. I have a lot of fantasies. Part of those fantasies are of being with various men(I’m not getting into details). But other fantasies involves being with a secure, fun, intelligent man who really loves me and having children. Which is weird since I’m a guy but Marilyn has always wanted to marry with a man she really loves, have kids, and be a good wife. After she settles down and retires from her career ofc. It hurts me so much that none of my relationships seem to last. They always leave. I’m currently trying to recover from a “break up” right now. I’ve determined my beauty and value based on how many guys are attracted to me, which is cruel and untrue. There are times when I feel like I can’t really live and be happy without someone by my side. I have a huge fear of being alone and rejected and unhappy my entire life. Just the thought depresses me. I can’t express enough how much I’ve loved and gotten attached to boys, thinking I would be loved back and live a life together, only to be heartbroken. I think in this life, I have to learn lessons that I didn’t learn in my past life to not depend so much on men to keep me happy and that I shouldn’t get so attached. Not all relationships are forever. There are probably more similarities but that’s all I can think of for now, and this is long enough already. Now, even with all of these similarities it still doesn’t prove that i was Marilyn Monroe. I’m pretty sure a lot of ppl can relate to most if not all of what I just said. So I went to you Ash to ask if Joe DiMaggio was my twin flame in my past life(yes that was me too Ash I’m so sorry). I feel like Marilyn and Joe were twin flames in that life and I’ve had dreams of this guy who looks very similar and have similar characteristics to Joe. When you told me Joe DiMaggio was in fact my twin flame, I saw this as another confirmation that I could’ve been Marilyn Monroe in a past life, however I still couldn’t be 100% sure so I decided to just pop the question I really wanted. I asked Ash if I was a girl named Norma Jeane. I didn’t feel comfortable saying Marilyn Monroe because I didn’t want to be seen as those egocentric nut jobs who claim to be the reincarnation of famous ppl. I also knew less ppl would know who Norma Jeane is compared to if I put Marilyn Monroe. In fact it’s these very reasons why I’m hoping that what I’m telling you doesn’t get out of hand. I don’t like TOO much attention and I don’t want to be backlashed for believing in this. Speaking of which, Marilyn also

Didn’t like all of the attention and invasion of privacy a while after being famous. She would walk around in “disguises” and give fake names whenever she checked into hotels. Which is somewhat similar to things I’ve done before. Marilyn and I both seemed to be secretive and enjoy our privacy. Not that we weren’t honest or open, it’s just not everyone needs to know everything you know. Also I’ve always said that I wanted to die in my sleep. I’ve always said that because I wanted to die a peaceful and painless death, not knowing that I did die in my sleep in my past life. Anyway, yeah so I asked if I was Norma Jeane and I got a yes, which was a relief. I’m sorry anon that this probably what you wasn’t looking for. I didn’t have any psychic moments. I didn’t have any dreams or recall any memories. Marilyn Monroe didn’t appear to me and tell me that I was her in a past life. Everything that I learned is only due to research, signs, intuition, and these two lovely and helpful tumblr psychics that I mentioned. Ofc part of me will always have doubts whether or not I really am Marilyn Monroe. It’s only natural to have doubts. Just like how I have my doubts if I’m really a mermaid in the astral or spirit realm or afterlife or whatever you call it. But until I get proof that I’m not Marilyn Monroe or a mermaid or that Joe DiMaggio wasn’t her twin flame, I will go on believing these things to be true or at least a possibility. But I’ll never be 100% sure until I’m dead. This has honestly been painful to talk about considering I’m bringing up not only my past life but also my past in THIS life, which some of it still hurts. But it’s been nice sharing this. Thank you❤️.

*Hey, LD! Thank you for sharing your story. And no need to apologize for asking about being a mermaid or Joe DiMaggio! I’m happy to answer your questions  ❤️ ❤️ *