#idk. im still unable to function one way or another. but at least then i had time and space to exist.

[pizzapizzadickz]

Haaaaah. It's frustrating living like this tbh.

Like. Its been years and I'm still struggling as much if not more than I did as a child.

I wonder, does anything ever truly change?

[nonbinarygamzee]

what are your thoughts on gamkar (esp as it is presented in the comic) ?

ehehehehe. well. i like dem :]

ummm um to be like #thoughtful or whatever though i always struggle to put my investment to words because i simultaneously feel like a lot of what draws me to them feels self explanatory but Also every time i think that about hs i turn out to be wrong. that sounds so mean i just have autism and 0 frame of reference lol.

but anyways for me like ive basically been invested in gamzee and by extension gamkar from the beginning. at risk of being kind of nice for once i actually think homestuck did a pretty decent job wrt the introductions of the trolls in establishing the levels of importance and especially the dynamics at play through when we see them interacting, so it always felt Important that the conversation that established gamzee and karkat as good friends was so early on. in general i dont really think hs has many transitional spots that are not being used intentionally to create subconscious association between the subjects. so by extension theres the more obvious literal conversation we have between the two of them that both establishes them as close (at least in gamzees mind) and establishes a rift in that relationship, but theres also things like the conversation gamzee and terezi have about playing the game together, that while not about karkat explicitly, kind of centers him from both ends and is literally sandwiched between the introductions of these two, which to me sets up the assumptions that their dynamic is going to hole relevance, which we end up seeing later on. dare i say that gamzee/terezi conversation even kind of ends up being the earliest nod that both of these trolls are in some way vying for karkats attention. theres like plenty more of these moments of association but im not willing to go looking atm, get back to me. good way to read the comic in general though, imo.

and like so its pretty obvious from the start then that gamkar was always going to be something, right? their personalities are written in a way that both compliment and counter each other, and theres that interest then in murderstuck when it is flipped on its head but idk if you go here i think by now it is clear i dont really agree with all of that. my interest lies in the fact that gamzee is the type of person karkat resents because to him, as somebody who both has been denied entry into society and who desperately WANTS it, even to the point of internalizing and glorifying the very oppressive violence that keeps him an outsider, gamzee has Failed. shes an addict, shes stupid, shes toothless, and above all she is weird and wholly unrelatable and karkat is simply not in the position at that stage of his life to sympathize because he is still running on the assertion that the Right way to be a troll is to conform to the expectations of the empire (and prove himself as one of the Good Ones). so when gamzee has their breakdown and all of a sudden karkat is not only unable to shove all of the responsibility he insisted upon onto another person, or ignore the fact gamzee spent all of her time haunting the meteor asking Him for help..... he does it. sort of.

this is kind of the spot where i have the most trouble articulating my thoughts because i guess they are sort of contradictory. because i think the gamkar moirallegience was not only at that point in time important to the integrity of the plot, but has always been an important part of the story in terms of culminating the themes and messaging going on. and i do stand by that, i think on top of the fact we were ROBBED, to erase that without ever addressing any of it again in the retcon is like.... a major misunderstanding of the functionality of the moment in the first place! which like yeah yeah its homestuck we should be used to that. but UGH. it undermined so much of karkats character to retcon what imo was always his peak moment of personal empowerment. everyone talks about karkat as somebody who is deeply caring despite his exterior and like... i do think that is true. but the story simply is Worse from then on having stripped him of the pivitol moment that truly defined that trait as vital to him, and i think it frankly has no small part in why karkat feels like less than a character by the end. that said i dont really think it was a "good" relationship. just not for any of the reasons anyone ever seems to say. so many conversations i see wrt gamkar is people talking about loving it but not the "toxic way it went down in canon", or calling it like mutually abusive, or just in general making karkat out to be some kind of victim of his ex when like......... thats all kind of just completely made up? for starters not that i dont Get it and not that i think it means he was being entirely disingenuous, but from the very beginning karkats establishment of their quadrant was done in a way that centered the people around them, not gamzee. and i say not gamzee exclusively because i think aside from the obvious of keeping their friends safe, karkat was also centering himself; we know the Point of moirallegiance is to keep an unpredictable party "in check", and that is what he did, but i can both understand the functionality of the relationship marker in the context of the universe And understand that to be a means of subjugation of the trolls involved. and karkat, being both obsessed with romance and holding a deep feeling of inferiority, of COURSE would look at this as an opportunity to prove he can live up to that expectation of pacification. we get his side of the story when things fizzle out, gamzees religion apparently becoming such a frontal obsession she doesnt pay him any mind, but we dont get to hear anything from the party whos not only being mind controlled, but also has to approach this dynamic with the knowledge it wasnt for her and that karkat continued to covet terezi "in every quadrant" (LOL!!!!!) when he wasnt openly mocking them. and well i just think that is very interesting. karkat is in a powerful position, narratively, that gamzee is never ever granted, that gives him the benefit of the doubt from the audience that he is right and she is wrong, even though we know that hes like... literally always wrong!!! i am not about to start trusting him NOW!!!

um ok this god long sorry. basically i think they are extremely complimentary to one anothers stories and flaws; karkat desperately needs to see and understand people that vary from the expectations he has grown up chasing. he needs somebody who understands what it is like not to meet those expectations. he needs a reason to choose growth or else he fizzles into the disgusting excuse for a character we have of him by the end! gamzee by contrast needs to be seen by somebody who is both in the position to treat her like a person, who holds power in this narrative they are all trapped within to Grant her the choice of depth. where he needs a reason to grow she needs somebody willing to grow to meet her where she is! you cannot pull somebody from their abuse but you must be willing to understand their reasonings and have a hand at the ready for the day they choose to go! ive never understood the debates surrounding gamzees agency because we are shown explicitly the ways it is denied, and shown her awareness to the fact she is trapped, the fact she is a character and the narrative cannot be upheld without her roles; karkats ability to "help" her to me was never as much a question about whether he could literally get her out of that, but whether he could act as the lens through which people understand gamzees situation As one of coercion. they are utena anthy forever ok im done

[saturniade]

was brushing my teeth yesterday and thinking about dnd orcs / fantasy racisms.. wrote a lot and im not sorray!!

it’s wild and interesting to me that between the two races introduced in dnd as playable (in 5e books beyond player’s handbook), kenkus are the ones described (in Volo at least iirc) as literally cursed to not have any creativity and to be able to only copy (parrot!) whatever is around them -- which i think is flavored as Kenkus Are Great At Making Copies but should also imo mean that Kenkus Believe Whatever Everyone Else Says and Are Extremely Prone To Being Lied To And Biased bc NO CRITICAL THINKING -- while the orcs are like. made by gods to be violent or whatever? and they just choose to embrace the killing and hate and slaughtering apparently EVEN THO they can think and learn and change their ways? and some of them are literally explicitly exceptions to the violent brutal stereotype!!!

and yet ORCS are THE titular enemy of dnd. even tho they are a much more uh conscious/mindful/potentially civilised race than for example the kenkus. and i feel bad for them lol cause the orcs keep being traditional Disposable Evilguys in dnd beginning from ye olde adnd times (when honestly enemies were made in a simpleminded ways of random mishmash of folklore, media and whatever sounds cool) which were in turn inspired by lotr’s ��orcs are like evil magic slop things or whatever dont think about it”. and now 5e is trying to be more inclusive and mindful about Killing A People Cause They Were Born GREEN!!! and tries to stray away from fantasy racism and “evil races” introduced to its core world like 50 years ago. but still it is IN THERE...

i mean for example it’s weird to me bc i recently played a published dnd 5e module where you fight orcs a lot of time. and in another published module which takes place in another world we play with a half-orc who experiences 0 discrimination :| and uuugh these for the lack of a better term double standards against A PEOPLE? is horrible the more i think about it lol.

i think that dnd (if not The Official Setting than the DMs in their own worlds) should either make orcs, like, either explicitly non-civilised/non-selfaware/non-conscious monsters with the intelligence of an ape at most. or do the opposite & get rid of ALL fantasy racial prejudices concerning the orc race... idk man... the kenkus have it fucking easy! i mean those guys are more than anyone sound like they can be like divinely/naturally “programmed” for evil cause they don’t have critical thinking as i mentioned. and i haven’t encountered any texts that talk about orcs being literally unable to change their ways because of divine/magical reasons or whatnot. theyre just evil just because!!

and i havent even started with the DROW and DEEP GNOMES and ALL THAT STUFF? and other "bad races” that exist solely to allow the players to be a little casually fantasy racist OR carry out a power fantasy of killing a person with higher cognitive functions and be praised or at least not thrown in jail for it. (and i mean, this scenario!!?? some people who play dnd really just want to have a smarter non-animal/elemental/monster/undead/etc enemy who makes the players come up with an actual Plan Of Attack or solve Puzzles or otherwise give the players the ability to demonstrate their tactical abilities / intelligence! and i think thats a fine power fantasy to have! i just hate that sometimes in these cases instead of coming up with wholeass villians with motivations DMs just go Uhhhhh Ok Why Should I Invent A Politically Correct Bike. Go Fight People That Are Of An Evil Race Sounds Good!!!)

and that’s what i thought and that’s where i would put my conclusions if i had anything smart or specific to say. but i think in the end the fantasy racism is something that started a long time ago and stuck around so much that it got very ingrained in dnd, or even the expectations that people have from dnd, that it’s hard to either tweak the “evil race” concept in a way which is not very dubious at best, OR turn the concept of orcs/drows/etc around that they are no longer evil at all. what do you think ?????? leave a comment down below!!!! LOL!

[set-phasers-to-whump]

whumptober day 29

prompt: numb

whumpee: matt murdock

this got longer than it was supposed to be so im sorry if its a little tedious (also i feel like i didn’t touch on the whump a whole lot??? idk hope this isnt too bad)

“You’re gonna tell us what you know about our little operation.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“Oh, I think you’ll be persuaded.”

Matt was in a bit of a sticky situation, not an unusual occurrence. What was unusual was that he hadn’t even been looking for trouble. He’d just found himself in it. 

Well. He hadn’t gone looking for trouble tonight, anyway. He might’ve brought this trouble upon himself with a half-Nelson & Murdock, half-Daredevil investigation into some extremely shady real-estate deals that he was pretty sure had ties to the mob. But he hadn’t been out searching for anyone tonight. He’d just been walking home from the bar, and then he’d been ambushed by a pedestrian and dragged into an alley. 

So. Not the ideal night. But he could make do. There were too many people to fight off at once, but he was fairly certain he could talk his way out of this-he’d been ambushed in his normal clothes, which meant these people only knew him as the lawyer Matt Murdock. 

“What is your little operation, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Murdock,” said a man from in front of him.

“Vince Romano, I assume?” Matt asked. He hadn’t yet run across Vince, who was supposedly the real-estate agent in charge of these deals.

“That would be me. And I’m gonna ask again. What do you know about my business?”

“Oh, not much,” Matt said. “You buy buildings, have a crew fix ‘em up, and sell them at higher prices. That is typically how this works, I think.”

Of course, he knew far more than that-these buildings being purchased were being used as a front, he just hadn’t figured out for what. And Romano had several connections to the mob. So it wasn’t typical real-estate business. Not that he’d let Romano know he knew that.

“I’m gonna ask you one more time, what do you know?”

“I told you all of it,” Matt replied, sounding bored. “What more do you want?”

“I told you what I want.”

“And I told you what I know.”

“Okay.” And Romano stepped back. The man holding Matt still, however, only tightened his grip. Matt heard something being removed from a container-not a knife, maybe…

A needle jabbed into his arm. He yelped in surprise. “What was that for?”

“For not telling me what I asked.”

“What is it?” 

“You don’t need to know. Now. You’re already blind, Mr. Murdock. What I’ve just injected you with is going to numb your entire body. You will lose the sense of touch, then your limbs will cease to function. I have another serum lined up here-” he tapped a glass bottle- “that will take away your other remaining senses after that. Now are you willing to talk?”

Matt shuddered as he felt the serum begin to course through his body. He needed a plan, needed to get out, but he kept thinking of what was about to happen to him-and then it happened, and suddenly his whole body was numb, and his legs gave out from under him. He couldn’t feel his limbs, couldn’t feel the arms that must’ve been holding him up wrapped around him. He tried to move his arms, but found they wouldn’t cooperate. Experimentally, he opened his mouth and said, “I told you what I know,” which came out fairly clearly. 

“You really wanna keep beating that horse? I’ll just give you the other serum now then.”

“No!” Matt shouted. “No, no, I’ll-” there was no way out of this- “I’ll tell you.”

“Do go ahead.”

So he divulged all of his information, his speculations, his suspicions. He knew it was a bad idea, but frankly, he’d been out of options-he couldn’t lose all of his senses. And he had no way of knowing if or when the serum would wear off. So he’d made a logical decision. He hated it, hated that he was willing to give up his information for his own sake, but he knew he had to. 

“Hm. Not as much as I would have thought. Sure you don’t have any more?”

“That’s really all I know,” Matt said, trying to keep his voice even. “I swear.”

“Funnily enough, I don’t believe you.”

And a second needle was pushed into his arm, and he screamed, but then he couldn’t hear himself scream, and the scents of the city faded away, and he couldn’t taste the slight tang of blood that’d been on his tongue from when he’d been grabbed. 

He was aware of being released, and falling to the ground. He didn’t feel the impact, didn’t sense the people leaving, didn’t sense anything at all…

How long he laid there, he wasn’t sure. He was fairly sure he was crying. He might’ve been screaming. He couldn’t tell. 

Slowly, however, his sense of hearing returned. Which didn’t help much, except that he could hear the tears dripping off of his face and onto the ground. Then his sense of smell returned, and he could again smell the city, the trash, the salt on his cheeks, the blood in his mouth. Taste then returned, which didn’t do a lot except make him wish it’d go back away, as the metallic taste of blood became evident at the back of his throat. 

He still couldn’t feel, couldn’t move. He started really panicking then. What if that first serum had been permanent? What was he supposed to do? He’d guessed that it was early, early morning, perhaps around 3:00. Few people would be out on this block. He couldn’t move, so he couldn’t call anyone...he guessed he was pretty far back in the alley, so nobody would see him. So there was nothing for it-he’d just have to make some noise and hope someone heard him. 

“Hello?” he tried calling. Nobody responded. 

“I’m in the alley!” he added. Still nothing. 

Then his phone rang-Foggy-but of course he couldn’t answer it, since he couldn’t move. He tried frantically to shift his body even a little, to get the phone out of his pocket, but it was hopeless. 

His phone rang again. What was Foggy even doing awake so early? Matt wondered. 

A horrible thought then occurred to him-what if Vince and his goons had done something to Foggy? What if they’d threatened him? Or worse, what if they’d hurt him, and were using his phone to contact Matt?

The phone rang a third time, then abruptly hung up. Matt sighed and decided to shout for help again. Still nothing.

It was a few minutes before anything happened. Foggy called yet again, and this time, he was able to move his leg-ever so slightly, but he heard it drag against the concrete. He hadn’t been able to feel the movement, which was an extremely strange sensation, but he’d moved! 

“Matt!” 

“Foggy?”

He heard Foggy’s footsteps as he entered the alley, quickening as Foggy presumably caught sight of him.

“Matt! Thank god you’re okay!”

“Did Vince come to you?”

“What? Yeah, he told me what he did to you, warned me to back off...are you okay?”

“Sort of? I can’t move much and I can’t feel anything, but other than that I’m fine.”

He heard Foggy crouch down beside him, his knees hitting the concrete. 

“I’m moving your jacket,” Foggy explained. “It looks...wet.”

Did it? Matt wondered. He hadn’t been able to feel himself get wet, obviously, but this was an alley, he could’ve landed in a puddle…

“Holy shit, Matt, you’re bleeding!”

“I’m what?”

“Bleeding, Matt! Did you not notice?”

“All my senses were gone, Fog. And I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Would’ve thought I’d have bled out by now.”

“It hasn’t been very long,” Foggy said. “Vince just came to me like ten minutes ago.”

Huh. He would have thought it’d been longer. 

“Okay, I’m gonna take you to the hospital, alright?”

Matt was often opposed to the hospital, and this occasion was no exception.

“No way. There are way too many things to explain. We don’t want to make Vince more angry at us.”

Foggy hated to admit it, but Matt had a point. “What do you want to do instead, then?” he asked. 

“You’ve stitched me up before,” Matt pointed out. “Plus, I can’t feel anything at the moment. So. Win-win.”

It was most definitely not a win-win, but it was something, at least. 

“Fine,” Foggy said. They weren’t far from his apartment, so he carefully hefted Matt into his arms, staggering against his weight but managing to stay upright. They arrived back at his house in a few minutes. 

Matt still couldn’t feel anything, but he had been pleased to note he could move his legs fully again. He swung them experimentally in Foggy’s arms.

“Stop that,” Foggy muttered. “I’m gonna drop you.”

“I can move my legs again,” Matt pointed out.

“That’s great, but please don’t do it right now. I’m about to climb some stairs and I really don’t need any distractions.”

“Put me down, then. I can walk.”

“Can you?”

“I can move my legs, can’t I?”

But it turned out that being able to move your legs and being able to walk were two separate things, and Matt’s legs crumpled beneath him.

Foggy sighed and picked him up again. The stairs were slow-going, but finally, mercifully, they made it into Foggy’s apartment. 

“I’m gonna get my first-aid kit,” Foggy said, setting Matt on his couch. He’d have to wash out the blood at some point, he realised. That would be fun.

Foggy returned with his supplies. He had indeed stitched Matt up before, so he knew what he was doing, and was quickly onto his first stitch.

Of course, the numbness had to wear off in the middle of Foggy’s stitching. 

Matt gasped in pain. “Stop! Stop!”

“Not numb anymore?”

“No!”

“I’m almost done, Matt. Just hold on.”

Matt took a shuddering breath, focusing on the feeling that had returned to the rest of his body, instead. Foggy’s couch was soft, his hair was sticky, his clothes were wrinkled and uncomfortable. 

And his torso was on fire. Getting stitched up never got any less painful, no matter how many times it happened. 

Foggy finished his stitches and quickly disappeared to get some painkillers. Matt took them greedily and laid down, trying to take deep breaths and even out the pain, but failing. Being stabbed was one thing-he’d been stabbed plenty of times before. But losing his senses, being completely unable to do anything...that was new. It was scary. 

“It’s okay,” Foggy said softly, reassuringly. A gentle hand brushed his cheek. He hadn’t even been aware he was crying. 

“It was so scary...I couldn’t do anything, Foggy! Nothing, just...laid there. I could’ve bled out, and I wouldn’t’ve known a thing.”

Foggy had no words for his friend. He couldn’t imagine how terrible it must’ve been, to lose all sense of...everything like that. To be completely helpless. So he didn’t say anything. He stood up, grabbed a blanket from a chair, laid it over Matt, and sat on the floor in front of him, back to the couch. He reached up and grabbed Matt’s hand. 

“It’s over now,” Foggy said. “You’re not numb anymore.”

this kinda sucks, sorry!!! thanks so much if you read it!!

[gardenstateofmind]

idk if my adhd meds are causing me to feel kinda manic or if the effect of the stimulants and mania are independent of one another, but whatever it is, i like it

im still sad as shit dont get me wrong, but i actually have Energy now so i can at least have basic executive function. i have to force myself yeah cause like i feel fucking terrible and hate life but i have the Ability to do that stuff, which i literally dont have usually, like i physically am unable to make myself move (idk if chronic fatigue is the right way to describe this feeling but when im in depression mode my symptoms are exactly what's described by that)

so yeah ive been spending my days alternating between dramatic mood swings and staring blankly into space for hours on end BUT im eating a full meal every day, sleeping at least 5 hours every night, showering fairly regularly, keeping my apartment decently clean (i havent deep cleaned like ive been meaning to, but im keeping it from being Dirty csuse that's all i can do rn), even doing a little school work + job apps-not anything significant, but at least im not completely avoiding it and just pretending it doesnt exist. i think about it every day, and at least do ONE thing to help me progress even if it's just reading an email

it's fucking painful to move, but as long as i actually work at it, im able to accomplish things. im so scared of this going away. that it's just a fluke and i'll go back to usual once it ends. it's so amazing to have emotions, to have energy, to feel a sense of accomplishment, to feel Alive. please i'll do all the hard work if just the ability to do it stays

[the-seeds-of-yggdrasil-blog]

Haggizias

Teresa here. If you read my intro, you know that I stated that my (#1) witch trade is im a Haggizia. Well some of you stupid little fuckers out there are like "well what's a haggizia". And lemme tell you. That's a loaded question. I guess the best way to start off this blog is to explain that ancient norse pagans had a pyramid of trades, the highest of all being a Sidgurdi. Which my lovely datemate/boyfriend (gender am I right?!) is. This trade is the highest and most respected of the trades. Disclaimer: no one trade is inherently "more powerful" than another. It depends on the personal power level of the witch themselves, not the trade. Anyways, there are 7 trades that are considered on the Sidgurdi spectrum, the highest trades on the pyramid. Haggizias are one of them. Haggizias would be close to what people call communers. Communers talk, see, and I retract with spirits. This DOES NOT include gods, ghosts, monsters, and some manifestations. Spirits are solely what people consider as mythical creatures. But do not confuse Haggizias with Communers. Communers have a... watered down version of communing with spirits (no shade). Haggizias can do a lot of other things that communers can't with spirits. While all Haggizias are communers, not all communers are haggizias, you get what I mean? Haggizias, along with communing with spirits, can realm travel. Project their consciousness to other realms and experience and see them as if they're already there. Sort of like what shamanic journeys are like? Little list of Haggizias Abilities: 1) See spirits, talk to and hear spirits, summon spirits, banish spirits. 2) We are unable to be possessed. Our soul cords are like chains, we are unable to temporarily leave our body for an entity to step in. We can have them talk through us though. Like a half possession. 3) Read spirits. 4) Void spirits, which is very hard for communers to achieve. Which basically means destroy/kill a spirit. Which comes in handy with pesky demons. 5) Summon spirits with our minds rather than a spell or ritual. We have like a radio or a pulser in our head that sends out like a request. 6) Read people's spirit cities. Every person inside their soul/psyche/core have a city, a better world being "realm", of spirits that live inside them. Their spirit guides, familiars, spirit guardians, etc. Amongst many many others. The cities all have different styles. Whilst my friend Hayden's is a quiet, small town in the woods, my datemate Jacksons is a steampunk/industrial revolution/WW2 era city. Within these cities are where spirits work to create a functioning human. This is where people's magic is processed to a certain extent, where emotions are created and balanced, where basic motor skills like breathing and primal instincts are seen to, and many many other functions. Anything that is within a spirit city can be read or gauged by a haggizia to a certain extent, even if it isn't within their trade. And Haggizias can affect people's spirit cities. Imagine having the power to affect the spirits that control someone's breathing. That's one reason why Haggizias are scary. 7) Haggizias were often killed out of fear of their power. Mostly an olden day thing, but that same apprehension and fear, and sometimes fatal loathing, still exists today. 8) They were often outcasted by societies and lived as hermits in the woods where no one could harm them. A lot of trades have a certain association with a type of people or creature that are kind of "their people". Like for sidgurdis it's the mentally ill, for volspa's it's sex workers. For Haggizias, they often resonate with outcasts of any sort and see them as their people and are often very protective of them. These trades can often see how these people are what they are and what kind. A haggizia might be able to better tell why a person is an outcast. A sidgurdi could tell what type of mental illness a person has. 9) Haggizias can realm travel, project their consciousness to another realm and experience it as if they are really there. Although it's very very difficult and rare, sometimes Haggizias can time travel through realms but only realms. 10) A haggizia can't be killed while spiritually realm traveling. Whilst other people who aren't haggizias often will become comatose or gravely ill and often die, Haggizias re-materialize as if it's a video game. Although if they are talented enough to experience the realms as if they're really there, it's not exactly something you want to experience. 11) Haggizias are considered pieces of the Bifrost (rainbow bridge in norse mythology used to travel between realms). Although they can't travel where the bifrost path does not run, they can travel realms through the power of the bifrost, since it is a part of them. 12) Haggizias can sort of do portal work as well, although that is mostly another trades ability. They can peer through and read portals, close portals (they cannot destroy them), open portals, and realm travel through them. 13) Haggizias can sometimes at a certain power level, physically travel to different realms. Although the estimate is it takes at least 20 years of experience and training to build up to that kind of power. And they can die when physically traveling, so it's a bigger risk. 14) Since the magic from midgard has been taken (that's for another post) a lot of the realm magic that Haggizias can do does not work or apply in midgard. Although it might soon haha... 15) Haggizias are seers of sort of te realms. They can just peer into any realm and check wtf is up. 16) Haggizias can go celic (sellic, idk how to spell it honestly). Which basically means they can turn into spirits. It's scary to witness and very hard to achieve. It's like that scene in Harry Potter when the girl touched the cursed necklace and is suspended in the air. That happens. But a lot scarier. 17) High level Hags can create spirits. But again, thats up there with physically realm travelling and takes years to accomplish. 18) They can create spirit sigils, which communers can do as well I believe. 19) There's probably more but this is all I can think of rn so thanks for listening it's been a fun time

[7goodangel]

7goodangel’s FAQ

( Can also be found at https://7goodangel.tumblr.com/faq )

[This version is made so then it can be easily searched within the blog and be easier for mobile users to find! Will reblog when an update to the FAQ happens! The original page will still be up as well as the post version of it. FAQ is under the Read More to not clutter up the dashboard. Please read this prior to sending questions!]

((Updated - 01/26/2020 - Updated part will be noted within FAQ)) [It will first be guidelines then general FAQ]

GUIDELINES

Q: Can I draw [character]?

A: YES! You can! Just make sure you credit me in the description! (either tag me on dA or Tumblr, or give a link to my tumblr if it’s on another website!)

–

Q: Can I write a fanfiction with [character]?

A: YES! Again, give credit where it’s due, but I am completely fine with you writing a story for one of my characters!

If there are any exceptions to those two questions, they will be mentioned below.

– **UPDATE START**

Q: Can I sell products / commissions / etc. with [character] in them?

A:  If it is a one time payment (like a one off drawing / voice / writing commission) that includes [character], that will be okay.  (refer to this post: https://7goodangel.tumblr.com/post/185382385438/so-lets-say-someone-does-comissions-and-gets)

If it is for a longer project or a line of products with [character] in them (i.e.: YouTube videos, items sold on a printing website, etc), I will have to respectfully decline for their likeness to be in/on the product. 

– **UPDATE END**

Q: Can I write/draw NSFW of [character]?

A: This is where I like to draw the line. I know I cannot police everyone and some will slip out, but I would rather not see any NSFW of any of my characters on this website or any website. My characters are very personal to me… and I just feel very awkward and horrible when I see or imagine one of my characters doing some of those actions.

But here I will try my best to say what is allowed and what isn’t allowed: Allowed:

Jokes about NSFW topics or hinting to NSFW stuff.

Leading up to the action, but then fading to black (not actually showing it)

Not allowed:

The actual action of NSFW stuff.

If the ’d’ is glowing/showing. (like heat)

Just do not want to see any of my characters do any of that stuff. But sometimes joking about it in a conversation can work. Touching, kissing, biting, hugging, cuddling, laying in the same bed - that stuff is ok. But when the actual act is happening - please - don’t show that.  

(Just note that with Paper Jam, he can really not do that. his body is unable to do that function.)

If you are wondering if what you are going to draw falls under the NSFW category for me, PLEASE do not hesitate to message me! I might say no, but then you would at least know for sure if you could do it or not. You can still draw that stuff in private, I am not stopping you there - just wanted to not see that stuff on the Internet.

Oh! I know that sometimes violence is included in the NSFW topic. GENERIC violence is ok since because of fighting and battles and etc that some of my characters do. So that’s ok! Other stuff like vore and rape will NEVER be tolerated.

–

Q: Can I repost your artwork to [Website/App Here]?

A: No. Not unless you got specific permission from me to do so. You will have to contact me and ask first, then I’ll give you a way to format the picture (basically keep the picture as-is, link to my tumblr, give credit). Do NOT repost my stuff unless you got my permission! Please!

Good rule of thumb for any artist - if you do not have permission, don’t repost it.

-

Q: Can I lineart/color/do both for a picture you have done traditionally / only lineart?

A: Ask me about that first. I have had people not ask be before doing it and most of the time if that happens, the colors or line art is messed up and is not interpreted properly. While I do like spontaneous collabs, I need you to ask me first through my inbox. Then I can provide you the right references and colors for it! If not, well, I will still appreciate it, but I will then mention about how you didn’t contact me within the comments (if I do find it). It’s just uncomfortable for me to have someone just draw over and color over stuff I did - and, in some ways and from some view points, this can be considered as art theft. Just… tread lightly and always ask before doing something like this with any artist - do not let another blog give you permission to do so - go to the artist and ask them directly.

-

Q: Can I have [character] as my icon?

A: Sure! As long as you credit the right people (character by 7goodangel, art by (whoever did the art))

-

Q: Can I create a ask/RP account for [character]?

A: No. Any kind of blog, account, etc that is used for role playing or for asking any of my characters is not allowed (or more on highly not recommended). The only exception to this would be if the character you are using is an alternate from a different AU (that has significant changes in design and personality from the original) AND if you run it by me first. I am generally pretty chill with alternates like that but due to how people misinterpret some of my characters I will have to say no to general RP and Ask blogs. 

This includes:

dA Ask/RP accounts

Tumblr Ask/RP blogs

Amino Profiles (unless you are only using the name/icon and not RPing or answering asks as said character), Amino Public Chats and RPing / Asking questions within the comments

Instagram Ask/RP accounts

Pretty much if it’s an account that says the name of any one of my characters and they are answering things as them then I strongly do not recommend doing that. 

Naming an account after one of my characters for other uses is just fine (due to how common the names I use for characters) or using an image of one of my characters as an icon is fine (as long as you got permission from the artist who made the image).

More clarification here: https://7goodangel.tumblr.com/post/175950661298/hey-i-do-not-have-a-question-but-i-idk-have-a

-

Q: Can I still RP as [RP] randomly?

A: I’m still fine with non-permanent/private RPs as my characters - just make sure that your RP partner knows that the character you RP as isn’t canon and all should be good!

These are pretty much where if you RP as a character in Private Servers / SMS / IM / etc., then you are fine. Private is A-Okay – but try not to do public ones. Thanks!

-

Q: Where do you draw the line with NSFW in RPs?

A: I draw the like at the point where most people go to a ‘Read More’. A good example of this is how askinfresh does that. And that doesn’t mean that moving to a read more is okay then - Like the NSFW question above, I do NOT want to see any PUBLIC RPs that are that type of NSFW. Hinting up to the act is ok but once the sections are exposed is where I hope that people would stop with RPS - do a fade to black and return to them after the fact.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE. I really do not care if you like to sin and you are underage - that can get you into a lot of trouble. THAT is for YOUR safety. Just please - for any RPs or art or writing, if you are underage in your country - don’t post it. Don’t make it public.

Little note about NSFW stuff:

Now note with the NSFW stuff I point out PUBLICLY. That means that I cannot stop you from writing or drawing it in your own home or wherever you draw it privately. It becomes ‘public’, in my eyes, when someone can find it on the internet. If a kid could get to that picture or story eventually by looking through tags or searching, then I get uncomfortable. I just really want to create an environment that is family friendly. My own family knows what I do online due to me telling them about it - and I do not want to have the thought of them looking up stuff and finding NSFW of my character. Knowing that families and children could find that stuff just scares me and makes me even more uncomfortable than my own feelings about NSFW stuff (which is disliking it). I just tend to worry a lot… and I just hope that people can respect my opinion on it. I am not limiting everyone to drawing other characters - just my own. There are plenty of other creators that are more loose with their characters. Just - I do not want to get to the point of leaving Tumblr due to people not respecting other artists. It is really uncomfortable for some people and asking artists and writers goes A LONG way.

-

Q: Can you draw [character(s)]?

A: Maybe? Maybe not? It depends on what’s happening with me in real life. Most of the time I am open to suggestions, not requests. Suggestions mean that if someone gives me an idea that inspires me, I might draw it. If not, then I might not. I tend to collect the ones I like and then draw them in one sitting. Suggestions might go away when and if I start to do commissions.

—–

FAQ ON 7GOODANGEL

Q: Where are you from?

A: Earth.

-

Q: Ahahaha - no seriously where are you from/what time is it/etc?

A: I will not state my exact location due to privacy reasons. For this reason, no matter where I am located at, I use Eastern Standard Time. Why? No reason - guess Walt Disney World is in that time zone.  Just know - I'm on the Earth on a continent. Country should be obvious with some reblogs or topics but that's as far as I'll go.

-

Q: Can we be friends?

A: Sorry to say, but I cannot guarantee that. Typically my friendships happen organically, with neither of us asking to be the others friend, talking to each other for a duration of time prior to realizing that "WOAH - we only know each other for 6 months! Dude - that's crazy it feels like you've been here forever!" When at that stage, that's what I consider as a friend. So I can never guarantee this, especially if someone asks. I apologize in advance but I like a more smaller group of friends instead of a lot.That's my personal preference.

-

Q: How long have you been drawing? What programs you use? Traditional or Digital?

A: I've been drawing since 2006. I use Photoshop CS5, Illustrator CS5, and Drawpile if on a different computer for digital, and just whatever paper and pencils I can grab for traditional; though I do use generic color pencils, sharpie pens, a calligraphy pen for lineart, and recently trying Prismacolor markers. I like both traditional and digital and would like to do more fusions of the two styles! ^^

-

Q: Do you like to multiship? (aka What ships do you like?)

A: Yes - I do multiship and I’m pretty open to most ships. The only one’s I’ll NEVER ship are ones where if the characters are related (like a brother and sister romantic relationship? NOPE.) or if at least one character is a minor and one is an adult (NOPE - no ships like that - that’s illegal in real life so nope.)

Those two are the big nopes for me for ships. (And that also means that I hope people don’t ship my minor characters with adults or make a character of mine into a kid and ship them with an adult… that’s just… not right. Same for any of my characters who are related to another character - don’t ship siblings or relatives romantically guys.)

-

Q: [[Any question dealing with FreshxPJ or FreshPaper]]

A: I will not be answering any more questions about FreshPaper. It is due to how people have taken my opinion on the ship and warped the words to sound like I dislike ships entirely which is complete false. You can ship what you wish, draw what you wish, but just respect what creator's have as canon to their character's stories as well as their FAQs!

And to note here: Canon PJ is with a Pluris named Omni, and will eventually have a kid named Monochrome (who is an entirely different species). Canon PJ does not like Fresh and that feeling is mutual with him. 

–

Q: But how did the FreshPaper ship even start?

A: It’s a long story: It started when I was mostly on an RP account for PJ - and I interacted a lot IC and OOC with a friend who ran a Fresh account. People then started to ship us two (me and the friend) and thought of the name FreshPaper from it based on our muses. Eventually others started to experiment with the possibility of the muses in a ship and the name shifted to the ship of Fresh and Paper Jam. Some other big and known artists started to draw their versions of the ship and it pretty much exploded from there. Though it did bring some misinformation with all characters involved….But that’s the story!

___

CHARACTER SPECIFIC QUESTIONS

——

Q: Is Paper Jam / Blue Screen a Sans?

A: Nope! Neither PJ or Screen are considered as Sanses. They are children of sanscest ships but they personally are not Sanses

---

Q: Is there a bio for Paper Jam?

A: Yep! You can find it here: https://7goodangel.tumblr.com/paper-jam-bio-official It’s also in the dropdown list of link on the desktop version of my tumblr page!

((More will be added later to the FAQ))

[ladyamelia-whitfield-blog]

HELLO LOVELIES!! ;D As said in my post in the ooc blog, here’s a bio on Amelia and as I’ve also mentioned,  I’m a huge plot-whore, so do come on over and IM me if y’all wanna plot a  connection/anything with Amelia here or LIKE this post and I’ll come to ya instead!!~<3

So damn excited to be heree and I can’t wait to  rp and get to know everyone of u soon!!:D~<3 <3

So she’s the only child ( so far for now,as idk yet whether I want her to have any older siblings or not) to the a high-ranking Duke and Duchess in Bearoria, the kingdom where she had been  born in , grew up in and where she stayed & called home for many years till she was married off to a Duke in Dracborough (when she was 20)

I kinda have it that her family was always invited to the royal court whenever there was an event or function happening there or  even invited to stay there a few times over the years due to her family’s position and possibly her parents being good family friends with the King and Queen.

As it was during her time spent in the royal court was when she bumped into and became friends with Emrys’s, the adopted son of the royal physician there, when she was 5 and he, 7.  Their friendship grew greatly over the years  and evolved into a very close one whereby they eventually even became besties.

Her personality is that of a kind, warm, calm, mature and wise lady, who's also well-mannered and socially graceful as well as keeping in with social etiquette expected of her when she's out in public but she's humble so she doesn't mind making friends with anyone of any societal ranking.  And at times she may be quite compliant to her family's wishes except of course when it comes to who she makes friends with or who she chooses to help cos she simply cannot agree on her familiy's elitiist or classist views. She also knows how to speak out for others if she sees something unjust being done but she'll do it in a direct , mature way.

Eventho, she accepts the way that most of them are living in male-dominated society plus she does abide to society's protocols while conducting herself in public, she internally however, doesn’t feel that the whole situation is really fair to women but then what can she do about it ? Except to sometimes try to defend a poor helpless woman if she comes across any men abusing them.  She doesn't really see women being any lesser than men in terms of intelligence and all that stuff, but she just remains calm about it and currently now as a lady she  just keeps those thoughts to herself and isn't an activist or anything tho she might voice her thoughts to Emrys if he eventually tries to get all unbearable in his views of male superiority (that's when she's gonna knock some sense into him again as she has tried to do during their childhood)

Over their many years of friendship, both Emrys and her  then very slowly , gradually and subconsciously fell for each other.  And they both kinda realized it one day when they were each individually self-reflecting on their own but then decided to suppress those feelings as they were afraid that the other might not reciprocate those feelings. Thus,  they didn’t  confess to each other their romantic feels as they both didn’t want to potentially lose or risk the great friendship they had going on that time.

But then one day, early in her 20th year, she found out that her parents were going to get her married off to son of a duke (an old family friend) in another kingdom due to a couple of social/financial advantages and she became utterly dismayed and against that idea.  Cos eventho she had thought of the possiblity that her parents might set her up for an arranged marriaged in the future, she kinda hoped that it would to be someone she could have a bit of romantic feelings for or at least she could potentially she herself falling for him or even the possibilty that her parents might let her have a small say in the choosing of suitors? BUT unfortunately, her now-arranged betrothed was someone she just couldn’t muster any romantic feelings for no matter how hard she had tried when they had met a few times before in the past and she had only come to tolerate him as a friendly acquaintance and nothing more.

So she tried to negotiate with her parents to not marry this guy or at least find someone else of equal stature which they felt was required but unfortunately for poor her, her parents were strongly adamant and wanted to see this particular marriage through, for their own selfish reasons. Thus, broken-hearted and helpless Amelia then felt very down as she could see herself ending up with a lifelong loveless marriage with her future husband as they had  very little in common & didn’t really connect that much and plus she’s secretly quite the romantic at heart.  Feeling a lil  depressed , she then calls upon Emrys and asks him to come out for a night out with her in the in the city. When they were finally out in the town, she then tells him that she wants to do something impulsive and wild for once in her life and he either supports her and stay by her side tonight or just go away, as this was her last night of freedom before having to be shackled into a loveless marriage as she was shipping out tomorrow to meet her fiance & start the engagement & wedding arrangements. (this whole wedding/ quick arranged marriage ordeal is making her act a lil uncharacteristically that night XD) She then  proceeds to drown her sorrows by drinking in a small inn, something she has never done before in her life(!) and  pours out the story of her sudden engagement & woes about her future marriage to Emrys.  While listening, he then tries to reason with her & stop her from drinking to no avail.

As a last bid-attempt, he then snatches a few pints from her and chugs them down himself.   She then gets mad at him and then they struggle a lil bit while shouting at each other which included   vague and heavily hinted sentences abt their romantic feels for one another  They then stop struggling upon recognizing some sort of romantic/heat/sexual chemistry was happening between them atm, and they oops, slept  together and have one night of unbridled pent-up passion XD And early next morning, despite feeling slightly awkward abt what had transpired between them the night before, she & he, both didn’t speak much except to quickly and say their goodbyes and she left after a tight hug.

She then only finds out some weeks later, on the eve of her wedding day, that she was  pregnant with Emrys’s child! She then  decides that there’s no way she can get married now because she doesn’t want to lie to her future husband that she’s pregnant with another man’s baby as well as she doesn’t want to bring terrible shame on her family name cos she def wants to raise the child lovingly & properly, so she impulsively decides to run away? Thus she leaves a letter explaining everything except for the identity of her baby daddy and scrams, but during her getaway , she accidentally gets into a very minor accident and hit her head very hard. So went she wakes up, she’s an amnesiac of some kind and her head is utterly empty of who she is and stuff? Her family then successfully finds her and selfishly decides with her groom, that they keep the secret of her being pregnant with another man’s baby from her and do their best to restore all her other memories about her life including planting a couple of fake ones like she’s currently in love with her groom and she’s having his baby as they had slept together before the wedding :P So the poor girl believes them cos really, what else is she to think?XD  And thus gets married and lives with her husband in Dracborough.  She then has the baby which is a girl and falls in love with her so much so her daughter is the biggest sunshine in her life rn? And then gradually over the next 5 years, she eventually  gets most of her memories back except for that one night that happened between her and emrys XD . And currently her relationship with her husband is distant and def not so good cos she just can’t seem to fall in love with him eventho she tries her best and she also doesn’t like him very much as a person as he has some ugly character traits she dislikes. And he in turn, is currently pissed at her cos she doesn’t love him after all this time, he’s a lil possesive of her and despite wanting her to love him back, he’s also half-hating her for having another man’s kid and them unable to produce any kids together despite them trying sometimes. (she’s secretly dreads their time in bed together as she doesn’t love him nor feel anything for him). Plus, she’s very unhappy about the fact that he seems to dislike, or if she didn’t  know any better, she would say he hates“their daughter” and is pretty cold and distant with the poor lil gurl and so Amelia just concludes that it’s  probably some sexist thing he has going on that he prefers to have male heirs and probs views girls as lesser beings or something. So she’s also kinda secretly angry at him too for treating “their” daughter so.

So right now, she does remember Emrys very well as all their great friendship history, and the fact that she had (or maybe still might have? ;) ) suppressed romantic feelings for him  but she just doesn’t  remember that eventful night at all…yet.

I’LL TRY TO COME UP WITH A PLOTS PAGE SOON, BUT I WOULD SO LOVE TO HAVE AS MANY CONNECTIONS BETWEEN AMELIA AND ALL OF YOUR LOVELY MUSES, GUYS, SO DO HMU / LIKE THIS POST!! <3~<3

[mikabee]

Omg I found my "meta" on Mary way before S4. The question was posted on some sherlock community outside tumblr. Is Mary really evil? I personally don't believe in terms like "evil" or "good" beause nobody's completely one or the other. And i can't say im 100% sure on what's the deal on Mary. But i do believe we don't know all there is yet, and I have a feeling she is a high-functioning sociopath. Yep, what Sherlock claims to be, but is not (a whole another topic). Why? Let's analyse the symptoms. • Compulsive lying- "As part of their facade ((facade? remind you of anyone?)) sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully, making them hard to pin down." Mary has lied about her family, her being an assasin, even her real name. Oh, but its just about her background, its one big lie and not compulsive lying? Even before Sherlock found out all that, the first time he was making deductions and they were flooding the screen fast, if you paused, the word "Liar" was already there. Most probably because he knew she had been lying to John about liking his moustache. A small lie, but Sherlock took note of it, because people who find it easy to lie most likely do it a lot. Also, if Sherlock was right about Mary befriending Janine for Magnussen (even so close to ask her to be her bridesmaid), it would have needed quite a bit of lying. • Lack of empathy- "Inability to feel sympathy for others or to understand the emotional consequences of their actions" Now, we can't really know if she is faking sympathy or not. But when John found out about her lies, she wasn't sympathetic of him, she only thought about her losing him. She didn't care about how John felt. • Charming, charismatic- "While the sociopath is unable to fully understand the emotions of others, they are capabe, but rather highly adept at mimicking them and might appear to be charming and normal at first" A lot of people loved Mary when she first appeared on the series, even those who thought they wouldn't, and so did John- she truly was charming. But in ep3 we found out, it was just a facade, the real Mary was far from charming and normal. • High IQ- I don't even need to say much on this one. Not just anyone can be a secret intelligence agent. • Narcissism- One of her first lines in the show was "I agree, im the best thing that could have happened to you." Now, I loved that line at first (though it was there after John stuttered and probably thought that the best thing would've been Sherlock), and I love female characters who are confident like that, as they're rare nowadays. But is it just confidence or already narcissism...? • Manipulative- "Sociopaths use their superficial charm and high IQ to manipulate others to get their ends" Staging a death to flee her country of origin, taking up a new identity, manipulating Janine.. • Cold, calculating nature- "The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain" Very similar to previous point. In Watsons have a Domestic, and when shooting Sherlock, and when hugging John after Sherlock had woken up, she seemed really cold and calculating to me... • Paranoid- "Often their lack of understanding of emotion along with their incongruos self view means that they feel a lack of trust and paranoia." Not much for this one, but she is extremely paranoid for John to find out her past and to lose him. Maybe its just love, but she certainly doesn't trust him, knowing John, he'd possibly forgive Mary much faster if he didn't find it out from her shooting his best friend. Its certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. • Shifting the blame - Nop it was tootally not Mary's fault for lying to John the entire time, it was his, he's the one who chose her, "it's what you like" she's totally innocent...not. • Secretive- She shoots her husbands best friend, just to keep secrets from her past. It has always puzzled me, why shoot him as "surgery"(HE DIEDD but lets pretend), when she most probably knows that wouldn't keep Sherlock from telling John, plus he offered help- she could've worked with him, and then she'd get to actually shoot Magnussen that time. • Impulsive behavior - "A lack of regret and empathy makes sociopaths more likely to make sudden rash decisions based on the current facts." Again, shooting Sherlock when there were many other ways out of that situation. And im pretty sure she didn't feel regret or empathy for shooting him, pointing a gun at "him" again in Leicester gardens. • Shallow emotion- "Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love" This one's tricky, because i have conflicting scenes of her in emotional moments. In Watsons have a Domestic she seems very unattached from the conflict to me. No outbursts of emotion, John and Sherlock are more like the ones having the domestic tbh- she just seems unaffected and...calculating. And she never apoligized. Not once. After months of not talking to John she doesn't seem even a bit remorseful, saying in a mocking manner "Oh, are we doing conversation today?". And then, when John throws the flashdrive in the fire, she cries and seems to be very emotional. So i have no idea. Symptoms I couldn't point to Mary (some because of insufficient information): • Sexually deviant • Sensitive to criticism • Authoritarian • Low tolerance for boredom • "Triad of sociopathy" - traits that often are demonstrated in sociopaths from a young age. Include animal cruelty ((she's a cat lover so not likely)), bed wetting and pyromania ((we don't know her childhood)). (((note added post-s4: pyromania, Eurus much))) Am I saying all sociopaths are "evil"? No. If Mary really is not faking any emotions, if her looking cold and never apoligizing to John is just from shock or idk what, if she shoots her husbands best friend just because she loves him a lot and would never want to hurt him just for her own secret...except thats what she does...but if all that is just her being in love, that's a horrible kind of love. But if she is a sociopath, and has been acting all along, faking her love- or at least faking that its healthy, not obsessive like sociopaths and psychopaths can have- then her actions would be classifiable as "evil" by most people. As i said, this is a whole other topic, but I don't think Sherlock is a sociopath like he claims. Sherlock was driven by selfless love (shooting Magnussen, even though it sends him away from John), not selfish one like Mary (shooting Sherlock, hurting John, just so she could stay close to him). And I think Mary is here for Sherlock to realise he is not one- he is not like her, he feels emotions. Just like Moriarty was there ,who i believe was a psychopath, to show the difference between him and Sherlock. Plus there's the theory Morstan is Moran... And Sherlock restarted his heart because he thought John is "definitely" in danger from Mary. When back alive, he does say to John she's trustworthy, but why was he so sure before she wasn't that he even literally came back to life because of that? (and the whole "surgery" thing baffles me, he WAS dead for a moment, doctors were even giving up on him, walking away, until yknow, power of love~~ But she couldn't have possiby foreseen THAT). In the end, I could be wrong about all of this. But I will still love Mary a lot as a character, as a villain, if she'll be a role to make Sherlock realize he isn't a sociopath, or if she's just a very flawed human being who made bad choices, and will hopefully have character development next season. ((post s4 note: lmao u wish past Mika, that "redemption" did nothing for me)) But since S4 is about consequences, I hope Mary pays for what she's done, but i also hope she doesn't just die, thats the easy way out, I want John to choose Sherlock over Mary on his own accord, not cause she dies. ((post s4 note: ha))

[humanlyimprobable]

ok so im watching shane dawson’s video about eugenia cooney and i guess its helped me realize some things about my own weight? and mental health around it? im gonna put it under a read more so as not to accidentally trigger anyone hopefully, just know that nothings too severe, this is just some stuff i didn’t notice that i wanna get better with. 

ok so, for most of my life i’ve always been an incredibly skinny, small person. to the point where it’s the main comment i’ve recieved through out my entire life. “you’re so skinny!” “you’re skin and bone!” “you need to eat!” “you’re tiny!” and the like. my weight’s always been really down there, for most of my childhood i was in the 50s pound wise. when i was at camp as a kid two counsellors discovered they could play catch with me thats how small i was. and this stuff has been 99% of my entire life. the only time it wasnt this way was when i was a literal toddler and still had a lot of baby fat to the point that my sister would call me santa claus cus my belly stuck out, which i didn’t mind, in fact i actively enjoyed it because santa claus is the best hes just a sweet generous old guy who give magical presents on christmas whats not to love? 

anyways, im 18 and im in the 90s weight wise today. the most i have ever weighed in my entire life was just barely over 100 pounds. i still receive lots of comments about how tiny i am, to the point that most people dont take me seriously when i say things like “im gaining weight” or “my hips and thighs are bigger then the rest of me”. 

idk. moving on to the food related stuff i guess, ‘m a super picky eater, there are a lot of foods that i just straight up cant eat cus theyre so gross it can be physically painful sometimes? other then that though i do genuinely love food. food is amazing and wonderful and if i had the energy and not germaphobia i would be cooking all the time because i just love food so much, and i love to experiment some times, i like trying new recipes, i love adding new things to recipes and seeing how it turns out. but uh, growing up my dad was very strict about food. if it was on your plate you had to eat all of it. no matter what it was. and this was awful for me, especially as an undiagnosed autistic person. i hated a lot of foods that ended up on my plate, and i had so many meltdowns at the dinner table. i still panic today at the thought of wasting anything, even when im genuinely full or have no use for something or hate something. i still panic because of how guilty he made me feel. and its made me scared to try completely new things. 

but then there are other issues. germaphobia, general pickiness, lack of energy, so on that makes eating really hard for me sometimes. for those who dont know, my mom is a building manager, she is on call 24/7 pretty much, and she’s out most of the day. i feel bad admitting this but my mom is the main way i get food because my executive dysfunction, germaphobia, and fatigue issues make it so that the only things i can really feed myself are normally things like pizza pockets, rice cups, and cup noodles or ready made snacks like scones. i used to eat microwave meals for almost every meal of the day but i don’t want to live like that i want to eat real food, so i tried to cut down on it. everybody always talked about how bad they were for me so i tried to stop but its kind of left me in a worse off position considering the things i mainly eat nowadays (cup noodles are way worse for you then frozen spaghetti) but im scared to go back to the meals i ate before because im scared of being judged again. i wake up and maybe have a small snack if im able to tide me over till mom gets home and i can have something like a burger. 

but thats the problem. mom is out most of the day. from the time i wake up to the time mom is able to take the time to help me get actual food is at least around 5 hours or so, and thats a long time to go. not to mention that after work shes so tired and exhausted that i feel bad just asking for her help to get food. by the time her work is done all she wants and what she needs is to go to bed but if she does that before helping me then i might go without supper.

then there are other issues. i mentioned before how 99% of my life i’ve always been a very skinny tiny person, and thats kind of something that i was known for for multiple times in my life. im always the tiniest weighs the least of my friend groups. and im kind f scared of gaining weight because of that. that time  that i mentioned earlier where i was above 100lbs? it was scary. it was getting harder to recognize my body. i’ve almost always been able to see my ribs, but it was getting harder and harder to see them. my pants started getting too tight. and i was scared. i’ve lost other important parts of my identity before and it hurts. it hurts to go through that kind of identity crisis. and im scared of having another one. 

ive always been told that i should be proud of how i look, because im conventially attractive in a lot of ways. but im not. this might sound stupid but its hard. i want to gain weight i want to loook different, be different! but. im scared. im scared of being seen as gross in any way. even f its not true at all. im scared of people seeing me differently. i’ve worked so hard to be who i am today, and i want to work even harder to be who i really want to be. i was trained into a lot of things that people know me as. and some of it is purely automatic at this point. to the extent that there are some things that i physically am almost completely unable to break out of. i want to change those. i really really do. i want to change so much. but im scared. ik i’ve said that a lot but i am. who will i be? who would people see me as? how would i function? i dont know. i really dont. 

it actually makes me really uncomfortable when people talk about how skinny i am. i dont care as much about my height, though itd be nice to reach some higher selves i actually really like that part of myself. the weight is different though. its such a complex relationship that even this crazy long vent isnt an accurate way to sum everything up. im proud of it in a way, its something im known for, it makes me feel unique, and it is something unique about me right now. but in another way, i hate it. it makes other people see me as weak, defenseless, so on. it makes me a target of creepy men. its a product of abuse and disabillity in part. it contributes to my dysphoria. it contributes towards people not taking me seriously. its dominated part of my sense of identity in a way that i hate. 

and thats what the eugenia video helped me realize. i might not’ve caught any of this if it wasnt for that video. it helped me see that unhealthy feelings about this stuff doesnt need to be/start as this crazy severe thing. there have been times when i legitamately have thought “maybe its good i haven’t been eating much lately” and i didn’t catch just how potentially dangerous those thoughts were until now. and i cannot express how thankful i am to shane and eugenia for helping me recognize that. i want to work on eating more. as best as im able. i want to work on gaining weight. i want to be better. and im gonna try to be.