#if I burn out fully I’ll probably lose my job and then my life goals are ruined

[cuteshinymew]

Update on my going MiA

Hello everyone, and especially my online friends

I disappeared from the internet a little over a month ago. I have a pretty bad burnout, which I didn’t fully realize at the time. Partially because I was too busy and overwhelmed to notice, partially because I was heavily in denial. Deep down I already knew I needed a break, but I was in denial because I thought it wasn’t that bad and I didn’t want to miss everyone. After I went offline, it hit me how bad my mental health had gotten.

I was almost at 12 when I left, but I was too stubborn to take the break I needed. When I finally did, I realized how bad it was… I’m glad I avoided hitting that 12 and now I’m at 11 and slowly going back to 10 (no substance abuse though). If I had hit that 12, It wouldn’t have ended well with my job and I would’ve probably done more damage to my life and self esteem. I’m gonna be careful with myself now and take care of myself. I hope you guys do the same, I’m trying not to worry about you and I don’t want you guys to worry about me. I’ll be fine, even if it’s gonna take a long time.

So… TL;DR: my mental health went downhill fast, it stopped going downhill but isn’t going uphill yet either, overall I’m gonna be fine, please take care of yourself, I’m logging off again.

[shirecorn]

how about 17 and 24? what inspires you and how do you deal with art block?

Long post warning.

Art block...

I don't actually get art block, which is probably a combination of neurodivergence and drawing every day for the last 3 years

I wrote an entire tutorial about how to do that, but didn't feel like illustrating it. Would people want to read it even without visuals?

Maybe... I'll just start rambling.

There's a couple different types of art block, and it's really just a philosophy puzzle to get past them. I'm going to assume that the things I think of slow days, or art mud, is a milder form of art block and work through that.

Art block is a symptom, not a disease. You probably have something deep inside that you don't want to face, or don't know how. Sometimes you need to discover the cause, sometimes just power through.

Method 1: Rest

Let yourself just Exist. The act of consuming art is part of the process. Watching shows and playing games, taking a break and going gardening or focus on school. This is what you need for burnout-induced art block.

Method 2: Action

I always choose action, sometimes it means a tiny 2 min sketch per day. Ugly or super simplified. As long as I don't stop moving.

Toss everything. Start every piece thinking you will throw it away.

The act of drawing moves you forward; pinning it to the fridge does not. Don't work things until they are perfect. Work them until they are there.

Art block causes and solutions:

- No Inspiration

Not sure what to draw, nothing seems appealing. Art won't come out like it used to.

Do studies from life or photos. Sketch, paint, digital, traditional, doesn't matter. Rocks, fruit, figure drawing, landscapes, buildings, anything.

Study and copy professional's work. Old masters are best, like rubens, michalangelo (only his men tho) etc because they will teach you anatomy while you work. If you copy someone with a lot of flaws, you will repeat those flaws.

Trace to learn, not to earn. Trace photography and art from anyone you want. Don't post it unless you have the artist's permission or they are dead, whichever comes first. This is strictly work for yourself, on yourself. It's not about the finished drawing.

Find an artist with a fun style and try converting stuff into their style. Don't make that your new style though and especially don't start selling it. Your style is a chimera of everyone you love, not a clone of one person.

Take blurry photos. You don't need a fancy camera or good skills or beautiful subjects. Doing studies from your own photos can spark life into your workflow.

Make challenges for yourself. Randomly generate things to combine. Try fusing characters! Don't try to make it look good, just be fun.

Doodle patterns, swirls, lines, random stuff. Try looking up art warmups and doing some of those.

- Everything Sucks

You finally see how bad you are. Or somehow you got worse. Every piece is a fight and you spend hours trying to get something right only for it to be stiff and disgusting and STILL wrong.

Why are you trying to draw good? It's enough just to draw.

Accept that your art is bad. Every artist can see flaws in their work. Your problem is that those flaws outweigh anything remotely worthwhile and hurt to look at.

So what? You're in a period of growth, not a period of production. Keep that wonky second eye. Let them have hot dog fingers.

Show everyone! Show no one! No piece of art can ever be a reflection of the artist. Not their worth, not their skill. The only thing your art says about you is "Held and moved a pen for a bit."

Make bad art. It's ok. Most of the time, the pressure to perform and get things Right is what made them wrong in the first place. Relax.

- No Motivation

The #1 killer of artists everywhere. On some level you think you should draw, on every other level you think you should stay in bed.

You are not lazy. You wouldn't have read this far in a post about art block if you were lazy. You wouldn't CALL it art block if you were lazy. Laziness is wishing you didn't have to do anything. A block is wishing you were doing something. If you think you can namecall Yourself into productivity again, you're wrong and You need to unionize so that you don't treat You like that anymore.

Consider Mental Illness. Losing interest in something that brought you joy can be a symptom of depression. I know it seems obvious, but if you're waiting for a sign that it's "bad enough," it's bad enough. Seek care if you have the means. Forgive yourself if you already know this.

Selfcare. Examine yourself for neglect. Nutrition, exercise, enrichment, social need, and sleep are all part of the art process. Eat three meals and sleep 8 hours. That's your gaymer fuel. You deserve it, I promise. Depriving yourself of your needs will make your blocks worse, not kick you into making them better.

Identify potholes. Sketchbook falling apart? Tablet cord frayed? Half your pencils missing? Chair uncomfortable? Desk hard to reach? There's a lot of things that you tell yourself to work around and get over. Just because you CAN workaround something, doesn't mean you SHOULD. A difficult work environment can cause secret dread deep inside that you don't recognize and just think you're lazy. What you think of as "no motivation" might actually be "I don't want to deal with my tablet disconnecting every time I move it wrong and I have to wiggle it for a few seconds to make it work again." These little things are like potholes in the road. Sure you CAN still drive through them, but eventually you're going to look up and realize you haven't voluntarily left the house in weeks.

Repair potholes and roadblocks. You might feel bad about buying a new pencil, headphones, tablet, car, etc because technically the old one works if you hustle. But if you're running into so many potholes you've ground to a halt, it doesn't Actually work anymore, does it? Invest, save up, request, and require working equipment and suitable conditions. This stuff isn't just cushy privilege, it's an investment in yourself and your art. You are worth the effort it takes to clear the way. If you can't afford reliable (reliable! not perfect or luxurious) equipment, then say it. If cardboard is all you can afford, draw on cardboard. But know that you deserve canvas, and one day you might be able to make the jump. Acknowledge that sometimes, if you don't have it in you to smear burned twigs on wet cardboard, the problem isn't motivation, but opportunity.

- Haven't Drawn in So Long

A unique type of art block that self perpetuates. The thought of starting again is so stressful you can't do it. Or maybe you'll do it tomorrow. Yeah. Tomorrow for sure.

Face your fears. Are you ashamed of your lack of drawing? Are you anthropomorphizing your paper and thinking it's going to judge you, like "oh NOW you come back >:/" I internalize voices I hear and project them onto other people, concepts, locations, and inanimate objects. Your paper, computer, WIPs folder.... none of that is judging you.

Reframe your WIPs. Do you feel shame when you see "unfinished" projects? Why? Who says you MUST bring everything you start to Finish? You don't have to. A sketch is a finished art piece; it's called a sketch! If a sketch is a fully realized creation, pages that are half colored, 75% lined, or partially rendered are all fully realized creations too. Unless paid otherwise, art is done when you're done working on it.

Lower the stakes. Draw a chibi or grab some crayons. Get messy and slowly ease yourself back into the flow over the course of a couple days. It's fine.

Get a buddy! Find an art meme, do an art trade, get a study subject, or just wing it. Drawing art alongside someone can help you get past that block.

Pretend you never stopped. Don't think about the gap, how long it's been, or rustiness. As far as anyone knows, you drew the mona lisa yesterday and didn't break a sweat. Today, you drew a starfish on your hand with a gel pen. Keep up that streak, good job!

Just keep drawing. Make a goal to do one sucky drawing per day on the back of a napkin. Don't make up for missed days, just pretend they didn't happen. Who's going to judge you? The calendar? That's pieces of paper; it doesn't have an opinion. Draw a cat on it. Done. Keeping up the momentum is a great way to prevent art blocks in the future.

TLDR: Draw imperfectly and toss it. Selfcare is king. Draw often and don't judge yourself.

Art is a process, not a product.

[hanseosvincenzo]

hanseo/vincenzo first kiss?

i'll put it under a cut here, but if you'd rather read it on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31693313

requests are still open!

The ice of a hockey rink is tumultuous to Han-Seo. He loves hockey and playing is something of a catharsis to him, but his brother’s enjoyment of the game often comes to bite him in the face as a result. He comes here to escape the weight of all that’s going on, and when Han-Seok doesn’t decide to crash the party, it’s exactly what he needs.

Tonight is no different. Han-Seo is the only one on the ice, standing amidst a scattering of hockey pucks and exhaling steam. The thick padding of his uniform keeps him warm and births within him a desire to play endlessly, until he can’t function the next day, but he knows that he can’t take it that far. He’s currently living a double life, and even with Han-Seok sitting in a jail cell at the moment, he can never be too careful. Besides, he’s in charge of things until the man is freed anyway, and for that reason, he has to watch his back for attacks from virtually all angles. At this point, he’s not so sure he even trusts Seung-Hyuk.

But enough overthinking. Han-Seo takes control of one of the many pucks and skates toward the goal, guiding it around the net before he practices a well-aimed slapshot right into the netting. It’s more fun when you have a goalie to compete against, but Han-Seo lives a bit of a lonely life. There aren’t many people he could convince to come out here and play with him, especially considering he’s probably better than all of them.

Han-Seo smiles to himself as he recalls that he’s better than Vincenzo at hockey. It’s on this rink that he learned how naturally competitive the man is. Vincenzo is incredible at just about everything, but he’s still a bit awkward on the ice and has a long way to go. Han-Seo likes dragging out that competitive nature, even if Vincenzo’s lack of expertise winds up getting him upset in the end. They almost always come out of it in good spirits, though.

Yeah…Han-Seo likes playing hockey with Vincenzo.

He seizes another puck and picks up speed, circling around the rink. In his head, he’s playing the forward, scanning his way through fantasy traffic in search of the best lane to fire from. The goalie slides from side to side, crouched low as he anticipates the shot. Han-Seo mentally passes the puck to another person in his formation, and they pass it back, before he shoots, scores! The horn blazes in his mind and he raises both hands in the air, hockey stick almost like a trophy in his pretend hockey game.

“That must be incredibly boring by yourself.”

For a moment, Han-Seo freezes on the spot out of instinct. He’s fully aware of the fact that Han-Seok is locked up right now, and that voice isn’t his brother’s, but it’s a knee-jerk reaction to tense, pivot, and greet him a la ‘hyungnim, I didn’t see you there’. He knows that voice is Vincenzo’s, but his blood still freezes in his veins regardless.

It isn’t until he lays eyes on Vincenzo that he relaxes. Vincenzo steps out from the gate and glides onto the ice. He’s getting much better at balancing, as he slides smoothly into the center of the court. His expression is as no-nonsense as ever, though.

“Hey, hyung,” Han-Seo greets, smiling broadly at Vincenzo from his spot a few feet away from the goal netting. “I thought you were busy today.” Frankly, Vincenzo is always busy with Jipuragi. Fighting the construction of the Babel Tower is more than just a full-time job, but he almost always seems to be preoccupied with a handful of other things. Geumga Plaza in general seems to be a bustling place that requires a lot of attention. Han-Seo has yet to meet most of the residents, but he’s heard Mr. Nam and Ms. Hong chattering about them quite often.

“Actually…” Vincenzo skates a wide circle around the grouping of pucks on the ice as he speaks, his tone thoughtful and perhaps just the slightest bit irritable. “I got kicked out of the office. Ms. Hong was singing something to the tune of ‘I need to come up with gift ideas for Mr. Lee and Mrs. Jang’s baby and you’re about as helpful as a how-to book run twice through a washing machine’.” He turns his gaze up to Han-Seo. “Just to clarify, I’m not bad at gifts.”

“You’re pretty thoughtful,” Han-Seo agrees as he skates backwards for a few seconds. “But it doesn’t sound to me like Ms. Hong actually thinks you’re bad at gifts. She’s probably competing against you without you realizing it.”

Vincenzo’s brow furrows at that thought, before he turns wide eyes over at Han-Seo. “…That makes sense, actually. She probably wants credit for the best gift or something. I’ll have to make sure I get something worlds better than what she decides on.”

Han-Seo laughs out loud there. “You’ve got the money for it, hyung. So…you came out here to spend your doghouse time with me?”

“Doghouse?” Vincenzo frowns again.

“Yeah,” Han-Seo replies, taking another puck and guiding it around the ice some. “Like when one partner in a relationship kicks the other out for doing something that upsets them.”

“But I didn’t—”

“—it’s essentially the same.”

“But we’re not in a relationship.” Vincenzo seems adamant about that, skating about lazily as he tries to keep up conversation.

Han-Seo fires a shot and lands another puck in the goal netting. “What…really? Have you just not worked up the courage to take the next step or something?”

Vincenzo stops skating and frowns at Han-Seo. “It’s just not like that. Ms. Hong and I are very close, but we’re not…”

Han-Seo stops skating there, too, blinking in genuine confusion. From this angle, it’s starting to look like Vincenzo is getting flustered. Could it be that he’s still trying to work out those feelings? Or maybe there’s another, much more personal reason he doesn’t see her that way. “That’s okay, hyung. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” He smiles there. “Let’s just play some hockey, okay?”

Vincenzo breathes a visible sigh of relief there. “That sounds good. But let’s play together this time—can we practice passing?”

Han-Seo ponders that for a moment, before he shrugs and takes control of one of the many pucks on the ice. He skates a short distance away, aims, and passes it to Vincenzo, who slips into action and captures it.

They play in silence for several long moments. Frankly, Han-Seo isn’t sure how much time has passed as the two shoot the puck back and forth between one another from different spots around the ice. Vincenzo is actually really good at passing, so he probably didn’t need all the extra practice. Chances are, he just didn’t feel like getting competitive today. In his defense, Han-Seo doesn’t lose in a game of hockey unless it’s against his brother.

After the pucks are scattered all over the ice from at least an hour’s play, Han-Seo skates back to neutral ice, letting the end of his stick rest against the surface as he comes to a stop. He’s getting tired, so it’s probably about time for him to head back home.

“Do you think Ms. Hong is ready for you to come back yet?” He questions as Vincenzo stops alongside him. They’re both staring at the goal from their spots next to one another.

Vincenzo tugs one of his gloves from his hand and digs into his pocket, withdrawing his phone from it. He stares at the screen for a moment, before he tucks it back into his pocket. “She hasn’t called me to give me the all-clear yet.”

“Hmm…she must be really determined,” Han-Seo thinks aloud, his attention falling to the ice, and then turning to look up at Vincenzo. “Why don’t we grab something to eat while you wait?”

Vincenzo seems to contemplate that question, before he shrugs his shoulders. “I could eat. Let’s go.”

Han-Seo turns to start back toward the seating area, but Vincenzo stops him short before he can get too far with a grip of his now ungloved hand on the sleeve of Han-Seo’s uniform. When Han-Seo turns to face him, he’s doing that thing he does with the corner of his mouth when he’s lost in thought.

“I think you’d be jealous if Ms. Hong and I were a couple.”

That statement is so blunt and jarring and out of nowhere that it leaves Han-Seo outright gawking up at Vincenzo. The man is always confident with his own thoughts on things, so it shouldn’t come to Han-Seo as a surprise, but here he is, staring up at Vincenzo like he’d just sprouted a second set of ears on his forehead.

“Wh…Excuse me?”

The answer is yes. Absolutely, one hundred percent yes, but that’s something Han-Seo has been making a point to keep to himself long before he decided to help Jipuragi in the fight against his brother. It only makes things messier, and none of them have time for—

Let me clarify,” Vincenzo tries, releasing Han-Seo’s hand. He skates a few inches closer. “I wouldn’t be upset if you told me that I was correct.”

Han-Seo’s ears are burning with embarrassment at this point, and he’s catching himself in the act of doing that thing he does when he’s nervous—the thing where he can’t seem to bring himself to look up from the ground or really anything that isn’t the face of the person he’s supposed to be talking to.

“H…Hyung, you’ve said it yourself—I’m not that smart, so you’re going to have to—”

Vincenzo scoffs, though there doesn’t seem to be any real bite to the sound. He’s not trying to insult Han-Seo, and that alone relaxes the man somewhat. He stops a foot or so in front of the younger man and stares down at him. “You seem to think I’m good at everything, Han-Seo, and I’m not going to deny I’ve got a pretty wide skill set. But there are two things that you yourself have shown me I’m not good at.” He raises his hand. “The first? Hockey. I could probably get much better at it and you’d still hand my head to me on a silver platter.”

Han-Seo can’t stifle the giggle that escapes him at those words. “I am pretty good at it, huh?”

Vincenzo looks momentarily unimpressed, before he speaks up again. “And number two: people. Jang Joon-Woo is actually Jang Han-Seok and it took me an uncomfortable amount of time to draw that conclusion. Ms. Hong initially comes off as catty and pretentious but is actually a very dedicated, quirky young woman with a loyalty that I can’t even begin to understand. I currently live in a plaza filled to the brim with people I should consider tedious and annoying, but I actually quite enjoy their company and have relied on them for a great deal of help. And as of late, you.”

Han-Seo swallows down butterflies. He’s been doing so for a long time now, so he should be good at it. But here he is, struggling like his body’s trying to throw up and he can’t let it. His crush on Vincenzo had started a long time ago, birthed initially from the small ways Vincenzo and the rest of Jipuragi managed to get back at Han-Seok and Babel, and then suddenly growing into something so much bigger when he saw how far Vincenzo was willing to go. It had been the pig’s blood that had done it for him. Vincenzo wasn’t your shining example of a good person simply willing to fight the good fight for moral reasons. He was evil, not unlike Han-Seok, but he was evil fighting evil for the sake of taking it down.

Han-Seo always has and still does believe that Vincenzo is the single coolest human being he’s ever met, and he’s been toying with the strength of his growing feelings for the man for quite some time now. He knows that Vincenzo isn’t a man you form a relationship with, but the person inside him who has never quite gotten the chance to be young and think about trivial things like love and happiness aches for just a taste of what Vincenzo could give him.

So he can’t help the way his hopes are up right now. He stares up at Vincenzo, waiting for him to continue speaking.

“You’re right, you know,” Vincenzo starts, shrugging his shoulders matter-of-factly. “You’re not incredibly smart. But you’re determined. You’re always going on and on about how much you’re studying so that I’ll trust you to take over for Jang Han-Seok once he’s gone. You keep me on the edge of my seat, because I’m just waiting for you to decide to be chairman instead of helping me…but you never do. You refuse to leave my side. You’ve made me question so much in the past handful of weeks that I’m having difficulty figuring out how to handle it.” The tiniest smile forms on Vincenzo’s lips there. “On top of that, you’ve got a surprisingly playful side.”

Han-Seo immediately takes that as a huge compliment. Vincenzo has been through the wringer ever since he came here. From Myung-Hee taking out someone Han-Seo later learned Vincenzo had considered a father figure to Han-Seok’s cruel murder of his mother and all the horrible things in between, he has had a lot on his plate to worry about. And somehow, amidst that busy, anxiety-ridden schedule, he’s made time to have Han-Seo on his mind.

“I’m not good at this,” Vincenzo continues as he tosses his hockey stick aside and slips off his other glove, letting it drop to the ice. “When it comes to my own feelings, I’ve spent a lot of time making sure they never had to make it to the equation—it’s protected me many times in my past.” Han-Seo can imagine he’s right about that. Being in the Mafia probably relies heavily on keeping your thoughts grounded and practical. “But right now, I want to be selfish and tell you that I know you’d be jealous of Ms. Hong if she and I were together, because you’d want me to want you instead.”

Han-Seo’s gaze drops down again, and he realizes it’s impossible for him to make eye contact right now. His conditioned reaction is to start apologizing and tell Vincenzo he won’t let that get in the way of their plans thus far. No matter how much this man is waxing poetic, Han-Seo can’t believe his ears.

There’s just no way Vincenzo Cassano is telling him all of this.

But he does, anyway.

“And here’s the kicker: I do want you.”

And like that, Han-Seo’s gawking up at Vincenzo once more. His own hockey stick drops from his gloved hands, his fingers limp behind the thick material. His shoulders are slumped, and he’s just plain staring.His mouth hangs open. He probably looks ridiculous.

Vincenzo scoffs and shakes his head. “Don’t look up at me like a goldfish. I mean it, okay? You know what—let me show you.”

Han-Seo has very rarely seen Vincenzo break composure. It seems like everything the man does is with poise and tact, and he thinks about every step he’s going to take at least three steps in advance. This, however, cannotbe thought out.

Despite that, Vincenzo’s movements are smooth as he sweeps in close, places his thumb and forefinger underneath Han-Seo’s chin, and tips his head up so that he can capture those open lips in his own.

It’s such a strange feeling—the chill of the ice surrounding them has cooled the skin of Vincenzo’s nose, and it almost tickles as it presses against Han-Seo’s cheek. His hand is cold, but also comforting enough that it feels warm in its own way. And those lips are so incredibly soft against Han-Seo’s that he genuinely doesn’t know how to react.

It’s as he’s trying to find a place to put his hands that Vincenzo breaks off the kiss and stares pointedly down at him. “You don’t have to keep trying to impress me, because I’m already impressed. You mind your manners when I ask you to, and yet, you’re not uptight. I like that a lot about you. You’re…relaxing to be around.”

“It’s strange. You curse at me, and it’s fine. We play hockey, and I feel at ease. And it just feels like I’m drinking with a friend. That’s how I feel.”

Han-Seo almost feels like he’s hearing the same statement from Vincenzo that he’d made to him. The same realization. It’s mutual. Shit, it’s mutual.

It’s also in this moment that Han-Seo realizes just how not-used to situations like this Vincenzo is. Once he sees the realization on Han-Seo’s face, his stern demeanor seems to break, and he’s shaking his head, suddenly rushing to explain himself on some other level. “I’m not saying this to get your hopes up or anything. I’m certain this would put you in a very awkward position—”

Han-Seo can’t help himself. He’s already degloved both his hands, so he quickly brings one up to cover the entirety of Vincenzo’s mouth with his palm. “Stop talking, hyung.” He bites back laughter at the way Vincenzo blinks at him. “Are we good? Is it my turn to say something?”

The look on Vincenzo’s face is downright comical. Han-Seo knows by reaching up like that, he’s basically signed himself up for a twisted wrist and a few broken fingers. It’s compliment enough that he didn’t wind up getting fought off like that. Either way, Vincenzo nods his head, still as bug-eyed as ever, and Han-Seo lowers his hand.

“I don’t care about any of that,” he responds simply. “I’ve wanted a lot of things in my life, you know?” He won’t spill all the gory details, because Vincenzo most likely knows most of them. His drug addiction, his struggles with his brother’s abuse, his love for Babel and longing to help it blossom into a legitimate company…Vincenzo probably knows all of it. “Even if it’s fleeting, or sporadic, or whatever you need it to be, I’ll take it. I know you won’t be in Korea forever, and I know something…y’know, between us can’t really happen, but…you make me happy, hyung.”

Vincenzo’s brow furrows, and for a moment, Han-Seo worries he’s made the man emotional. That in mind, he closes the distance between them once more. “I’m gonna kiss you back now,” he warns, before he raises his hand, curling his fingers around the back of Vincenzo’s neck, and leans up to kiss those lips once more. He feels the way Vincenzo hesitates, before both of those arms come around his waist and pull him in close. It’s a shame they’re bundled up in all this padding right now, because the close contact would probably feel downright incredible right now.

But like Han-Seo said, he’s going to take what he can get, and a kiss in hockey uniform on the ice doesn’t sound half-bad.

The future may be uncertain, but what’s going on right now is very, very real.

[arvandus]

Touch (Pt 2)

Pairing: Dabi x Fem!Reader

WARNINGS: 18+ only please!  Drug abuse/withdrawal, adult language/themes, heavy angst, past trauma/abuse, anxiety/panic attacks, PTSD, fluff, pining, slow burn, eventual emotional SMUT. *please pay attention to the chapter tags as these warnings will apply at different times*

Synopsis: When you first joined the LOV to lend your healing quirk, Dabi  terrified you.  Not interested in attachments, he wanted to keep it  that way.  That is, until he needs your help. (Slow burn, soft Dabi).

Time Frame: Right before the League meets Overhaul

Additional notes: I took some liberty in giving Reader a backstory that fits in with the BNHA world and is important for the story.  If that bothers you, I apologize - just think of it as role playing!  Also, this’ll probably be broken up into 8-10 parts, roughly.  JUST KIDDING - this has now turned into an epic (roughly) 40 chapter series.  Oops.

Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future chapters.

Recommended Chapter Song: Cradles by Sub Urban

Part 1

Artwork credit to @hellowon31​ on Twitter (https://twitter.com/hellowon31)

Part 2 - A Crack In The Armor

The pain came back, just as you said it would.   What you didn’t mention was that the numbness would gradually fade away.  It might sound nice to some, but Dabi hated it. He felt like he was driving towards a cliff in slow motion, waiting for the crash, unable to turn the wheel.  He had no control.  He hated this feeling of helplessness and traded it for anger instead. Why did he even ask for your help to begin with?

His answer was given to him as soon as your quirk’s effect finally stopped.  Dabi stared angrily at the empty pill bottles. It was amazing how quickly the brain adapted, his body acting as if he’d never had to deal with his damaged nerves before.  He had half a mind to hunt you down and demand you take care of it. He didn’t, of course, pride the deciding factor.  The scars were his, a series of choices made, a patchwork flag he wore into battle.  They were his burden and a reminder of his fight; he wasn’t going to give that up so easily.  Still, he couldn’t deny the temptation that surrounded him like a cloud, even if all he did was entertain the thought. 

Dabi waited all day for your visit until finally your characteristic knock on his door rewarded his patience.  He stood from his bed and cooled his features into their typical mask before opening the door. There you stood, keen eyes already assessing him.

“Can I come in?” you asked. Like the day before, he stepped aside just enough to let you pass.  He had discovered yesterday that he liked having your presence close to him… it gave his pulse a little rush.  He caught a whiff of your shampoo as you gingerly passed him and felt the softness of your shirt as it brushed against his own like a whisper.  His grip on the doorknob tightened.

As soon as Dabi closed the door behind you, you got started.  You were determined to be strictly business.  “How’re you feeling?” you asked, keeping your tone even, the perfect balance of concern and professionalism.  Dabi wanted to laugh.  Were you always this serious?

“Like shit.” He grinned. “That quirk of yours is potent stuff.”

You couldn’t help but let a grin escape in response to his candid words, a fracture in your hastily built armor.  “Not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult.”

“It’s a compliment.” He stated.

You felt your throat go tight.  Stay on task.  Stay on task.  You cleared your throat slightly as you averted your eyes from him.  “Well, let’s have a look.”

With a little less flair than yesterday, he removed his jacket like before, followed by his shirt as he turned around to display his back for you.

You could see that the bandages were seeped through.  You had laid them on thick since you knew you wouldn’t be able to check on him as often as you’d like – he was still going out to do Shigaraki’s bidding and you had others to look after as well.  You were planning on seeing him daily, but it looked like he’d need more. 

Your little checkups were far from over.  You couldn’t help but wonder what he thought about that.  You honestly weren’t sure what you thought about it yourself.

“I’m going to use my quirk and then change your bandages.  I’ll check on you again tomorrow morning before you leave.”

“How often do we have to do this?” Dabi asked.  His tone was difficult to decipher.  Concerned? Annoyed? …Hopeful?

You cleared your throat again, desperate for a glass of water, as you began to remove the soiled gauze. “I’ll probably visit you twice daily for the first week, then reduce it to once a day or every couple of days for the second week.  We’ll see where we are by then.  It’ll take at least a few weeks before it’s fully healed.  That’s only if you’re good though, and don’t go out and use your quirk for a bit.”

“I won’t make any promises.” He replied.

You sighed.  “Well, at least your honest.  Really though, you should at least try not to use it.”

“That’s up to the Crusty Hands.” Dabi replied.  “He’s the one sending me out there to try to recruit members and gather intel.”

You rolled your eyes at the nickname for Shigaraki.  “Couldn’t you ask him for a break then?” You asked, your head tilted. “No point in making you hurt yourself over lackey work.”

The question was innocent enough, but Dabi turned around and stared at you like you grew a second head. Ask Shigaraki for time off? The thought made Dabi bristle for so many reasons.

You quickly caught on to his shift in mood and tried to repair your previous statement. “Look.  I get it if that’s an issue for you. Maybe I could be the one to ask him.  I can make it a medical request, since I’m the healer.”

That option almost seemed worse.  He didn’t need to be excused from his duties like a child with a sick note. And he most certainly didn’t want you putting your neck out for him.

“Look, I know your still kinda new here.  So, let me break this down.  There is no ‘sick time’ in the League of Villains.  No vacation, no hazard pay.  We all got our jobs to do.”

Now you bristled, your shoulders tensing up and your arms crossed in front of you defensively. “Yeah.  And my job is to make sure you crazy idiots don’t kill yourselves before we complete our mission.  You know, the big long-term one where we change the world, not the pointless dirty work Shigaraki’s got you doing.”

“Pointless dirty work? That dirty work is how we reach that long-term goal, sweetheart.”   Dabi grinned devilishly.  “I didn’t realize you had such strong opinions about how we do things here.”

“Just the part about using your talents for recruiting street thugs.  Most of them are idiots that can’t tell Stain’s message from an anarchist bumper sticker.”

You were right, of course. Dabi chuckled.  You were more interesting than he thought.

“Look,” you said, your voice quieter as you uncrossed your arms.  “We’re all in this together come hell or high water, and I’m really hoping we can all see it through to the end.  If that means taking some time off to let your body recover, then I’d think that’d be worth doing.”

Dabi stared at you silently while something tightened in his chest.  Your need to hold everyone together like glue was admirable and almost… endearing.  He felt a sinking feeling in his gut.  He knew there was a high likelihood they wouldn’t all see the end of this, if the end ever even comes.  Did you know that but stubbornly hold onto your optimism?  Or were you really that naïve that you believed there was a chance that everyone could come out unscathed?  When the worst happens – which it inevitably will – will you blame yourself?

The thought bothered him.

For the first time Dabi’s mask slipped, and for the briefest of moments you could see the pity in his eyes.

“Thanks for the concern doll, but I got it under control.” Dabi said, his voice unusually calm. “Besides, if I took time off every time I hurt myself with my quirk, then I’d never be any use.”

Between his eyes and his words, there was no room for discussion, so you let the topic drop. 

You let out a defeated sigh. “Well then, let’s get started.” You placed your hands on his back.

Once again, the sweet balm of your touch spread across his skin, bringing back the relief he had missed. His body responded instinctively. His breathing slowed; his muscles relaxed.  He closed his eyes, relishing in the sensation.  You noticed the slightest drop in his shoulders and a pang of sympathy washed over you like a wave.  You wished you could do more for him, but you had to conserve your quirk for the others too.

You cleaned his wound quickly and applied fresh bandages without any more talk.  As quickly as it had begun, it was over.  Without missing a beat, he pulled his shirt back on while you packed your items.

You turned to leave, but paused for a moment before turning back slightly, your eyes bravely locking with his.  “Try to get some rest… it’ll help your body heal faster.”

Dabi didn’t respond with his usual quips.  Instead, his electric blue eyes stared at you in a way that made your blood pulse in your ears and the air burn in your lungs.  You stood captivated for a moment, locked in his gaze, before finding your way out of the maze of his eyes and left his room, hearing the quiet click of the door behind you.

 Without a word, Dabi sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his hands.  His brow furrowed in confusion.

This was supposed to be a game.  A game of walls and mazes and misdirection. He was the ‘Asshole,’ full of snarky comments and flirty quips all while withholding his true self.  He didn’t need friends, just coworkers so he could carry out his mission and bring Stain’s vision to life before his quirk killed him.  But your magic hands dismantled his walls, allowing you to walk right in and get in his head with your stubborn heart.  He had cared. For the briefest of moments, he cared.

It was his game.  Why did he feel like he was losing?

______________________________________________________________

Part 3

__________________________________________________

Taglist: @lemonfvck​ @vs-redemption​ @inanabsentia​ @sheedaabee​ @toshiuwuu​ @marydragneell​ @chillinwithmybakubros​ @genuinelytodorokisbitch​ @sam-i-am-1025​

[fandom-sheep]

Fundy 28 APR 21

Delayed Liveblog Vault Hunters Part 1/1

Our favorite fox is damp. And apparently can’t get his hair to sit right.

He’s already having to raise the redemption price. It’s been 5 seconds.

I don’t even quite get Vault Hunters I know Hbomb did it last season and that it.

Charm. Lovely.

Is the bottom right a confetti cannon?

Oh no we have to fight? We can’t be trusted.

We are the sort of people to purposefully lose the fight.

Don’t get me wrong. We love Fundy and will cry on command. But also we are rather mean to him.

Mystic Tomato. I don’t know what it is but I love it.

I was saving up Chanel points for water and ads. But now I gotta save for those and the little fun reward pack things.

Oh no. Did we hit 100 subs already? That’s what it says over his name?

Confetti canon?

5up! Hooray!

HBomb humoring Fundy with the emotes.

Fight fight fight!

So close. We tried out best to fight the giant.

Alright chat. We need another arena. Everyone get him.

Everyone in chat yelling about Phil doing stuff in OSMP. Wrong server y’all. We can deal with that later.

Ooo are we doing VC?

Everything is so chaotic already.

Tubbo and Fundy trying to figure everything out.

You know things are confusing when the original people are like “the what?”

There was a how to play meeting? And somehow these boys are still confused.

Tubbo at least has an excuse to be confused.

I love skill trees in games. They just look so pretty.

“I see a melon!” -Fundy

5up our beloved.

My streamer is being beat up with a boomerang.

Fundy doesn’t know what’s happening, but he’s rich so it works.

Tubbo is just saying every name in hopes he says the right one.

Pizza!

We attack!

WE WIN!

We did it! We’re a good chat!

Is 5ups skin still cog champ themed? Maybe not. Maybe my brain is being goofy.

Is Fundy complaining about his hair? I’m not actually paying attention. What is chat on about.

That’s one thing that can be said about all the chats. They like it when their streamers have fluffy hair.

Chat really is just crying aren’t they. Fundy’s chat has a skill of crying at everything.

Hooray 5up is active! Fundy go say hi for us!

Hooray friends!

Super good item! I don’t get it, but super good item!

ITS THE BEING!

Arena arena. We’re almost to the arena!

Aww. I missed the bets.

ARENA TIME!

Beat em up chat!

Oh no. He’s hitting hard.

WE DIDS IT!

ARENA TIME!

Oh were getting hit hard.

But we did it!

Good Job Wolf! Awesome Millionaire!

No arena box for winning. Rude.

Chat can’t even remember how many fights we’ve won.

Stupid full inventory.

Temporary base on the hill.

Pretty chest!

All the gifted subs. Such a popular streamer.

That looks so cool! I missed what it did but it looks cool!

Ooo all sorts of cool things.

Look at chat go

SHULKER SHELLS!

Look at everyone giving Fundy things.

It’s neato that they use peoples skins. That you can see the people who donated.

Shulker crates! Nice! That’ll be good for transporting things.

We’re so fancy.

Ooo sorting. The most complicated thing.

Chats over here spoiling our streamer.

Wool?

ARENA TIME!

We got this!

Beat em up subs!

WE WON!

Looting 2 noice.

Mods bribing chat to stop barking with Scooby snacks. I love them so much.

Wolf my dear you have done nothing wrong.

Oh cloud9 has a fox skin!

Ooo create mod. We know about that.

A lovely little base.

Cake is being stolen all over the place.

Stab stab the dragon.

Hooray follow goal! Music time!

Oh... that was it. Alrighty we’ll take what we can get.

Time to win an arena subs. We want music.

Our boy is confused.

Fundy just read the chat. They are telling you.

I got to get this time! The subs will destroy everyone!

Happy Halloween?

Gasp! Mega gift!

Pretty skin!

We love the Fundy mods dearly. They are so chill and nice.

The water well has run dry.

The streamer has escaped. It’s just us, the mods, and the chair.

Oh a Schlatt plush! Neato!

Schlushy I agree with that name.

“Not the hat the other one.” LOL.

Chat go Glatt

Went to get water the. Forgot to drink it.

Subs can modify emotes left and right.

Viper good job! Good book!

Fundy doing his game at middle of the night o’clock.

Streamer... please sleep. Please eat meals.

We’re almost at the Arena!

Sleep 8 hours... just at the wrong time.

Chat fully admitting to thinking our streamer is dumb enough to fall in lava.

We have learned to balance our expectations Fundy.

Oh this is going to be a long stream. A really long stream. I’ll probably need to take a break and do some work.

Arena Time! Beat em up subs!

Good job subs!! You did it!

Let’s see what we get for the arena.

So many Wolf!

Diamond!!!

Putting the winners on their boxes. Nice.

I have so much work to do, but I just want to watch the funky Fox.

Villagers? We love villagers.

PIANO!

Oh we’re switching screens it’s serious piano.

So lovely. I love listening to music people do their things.

I love the fact the subs keep shouting FundyJam!

I swear improv music should not sound this lovely

Spooky sounding tune. Sounds like a boss fight in a haunted castle.

Awesome piano!

Poor boy so annoyed by his hair. Bless his heart.

For anyone who doesn’t touch Twitter. The Fundy Updates Twitter is fabulous and amazing. They are just always so upbeat over everything.

Trying to nether portal. You go fox friend.

Wow Just portal to the center do a lava lake. Under soul sand.

You go 5up! You get that bastion.

Rip 5up.

Poor Fundy doing his best.

How’s the VC crew doing?

MENDING GOLD PANTS!!!

The drip is back!

Also I voted no in the will he burn pole. I have faith in my streamers.

We’re calling Fundy emo now. And he’s trying to deny having an emo phase, and failing.

I don’t know what’s happening half the time in this chat.

Fire Fox!

We’re still calling Fundy emo. Chat spoils the streamer and chat bullies the streamer.

Oh are we trending emo Fundy? Nice. I’m conveniently scrolling on Twitter.

Look at us bully our streamer.

The two people in chat. Those saying emo Fundy. Those going “his hair is nice stfu”. The duality of chat.

Sounds of suffering coming from the nether.

Fundy has taken responsibility for enderpearls.

We cursed Fundy? I look away for 10 seconds.

Pixel has turned on Fundy.

Fight that ghast.

Fundy’s going to get all the endermen.

Piglin goes smack.

We’re wearing the drip. Nice.

Everyone gets rich so fast here.

Well. We’ll just leave the corpse there.

Sizzle.

The people who bet on him dying are so rich in channel points now.

*sad fox noises*

Surely not. Fundy we have lost all hope in you.

Pixel doing everything they can to do anti emo Fundy.

Aww. I missed the prediction. I bet he won’t die. I believe in him.

Fundy being scared by his own body. Cant wait to see that clip everywhere on YouTube.

Back to attacking the endermen.

Tubbo is such a villain. He’s so willing to kill HBomb.

Fundy just getting back to work.

I’m sorry corpses become skeletons. That’s horrid.

Off to get the dragon. The dragon the dragon.

Tubbo was smote.

HBomb and Fundy fully ready to be that person that steals the temple.

Hbomb shaped chest. That is great.

Everyone bullying HBomb.

Almost Arena time.

Betting yes on the arena. The subs are strong and they’ve got this.

My twitch app is being stupid. This might be my signal to take a break and do my school work.

8k boosters and the chat goes nuts.

Chat from where I am is just a bunch of booster packs. I think I need to close and reopen the app.

There we go. There is the lovely chat.

Arena time!

Aww. My bet disappeared when I moved the app.

No! He’s cheating! The subs are doing their best!

Good job subs!

I mean it’s a diamond sword. It’s not diamonds but it’ll do.

I heard a du du du du?

I’ve got to go. Time to be productive with my life and time.

Let me know if I miss anything especially stupid or funny.

Alright it’s been 2 and a half hours but I’m back.

Looks like I missed a lot, and the boy has been going 5 hours.

Still on Vault Hunters? How is he not tired of this yet good gracious.

We’re enchantin’

I don’t know what’s happening but I’m watching.

Who stole all the luck from the boy?

Good that he’s drinking plenty of water

Good that he’s taking a break for foods.

What is with the lightening sounds? I don’t like it.

Spare the soup pet.

Sadness. No 3rd cow.

Yes! One more arena!

Lure da cows.

No that’s the Fundy Cow!

Nooooo. That’s worse than killing it!

Did we win our other arenas? I only say the first 5 or so.

Lightening Cow. Lovely.

Noooo the cowwww!

For once Fundy isn’t the one thriving.

He tunneled the cow out. Wow.

Bye 5up! Good luck!

Hi Crumb. The cow was snatched.

Noooo. Quit stealing our cows!

What he jumps like Superman and steals our cows.

Cow bunker.

These cows will get snatched. I just know it.

No. No taking da cows.

Our cows must be protected.

Enchanting is not on our fox’s side

Oh so they did beat the enderdragon. Good for them.

All sorts of neato elytra.

I must go again. I am called to dinner.

Good job getting you diamond sir.

30 minutes later I am back and we are chatting with HBomb.

Sharp boomerang.

Saw a bit of cat maid peaking out there.

5up judging Fundy for just sitting and mining.

Oh the facecam is off. I’m just noticing.

I guess it probably goofed up and froze.

Everyone in chat talking about how much to make the magic packs. I like the people saying 6.9k just for the funnies.

I’m voting 6.9k in the pole just for the funny.

I know it won’t win but I’m doing my part.

Goblins? What the squeak did I miss?

What. We stab the goblins. And they give us emeralds?

This mans has been going for 6 hours and a while. I hope he doesn’t forget to look after himself. He was talking about eating an hour ago.

I love all the product minions. All the donators just chilling on their chests.

Why are all the minions black and white? I missed that one?

Oh they run out. They ran out of stuff and out of color.

Wealth in the chest, since we don’t have a mouth.

Angel or Fairy? Is that even a question? (Chat chose fairy)

Fairy Fox. I want to draw that but have negative amounts of art skills.

We’re killing time until we hit 7 hours.

We’re meeting up with 5up! Nice!

Oh HBomb left and thought Fundy hadn’t done anything in 20 minutes but jump around his castle. LOL.

We hit 7 hours and dipped.

7 hours and almost a thousand subs. Look at us go.

Hello Puffy Raiders! You’re a bit late but hello!

Oh no. He’s panicking and not ending.

Please someone who feels like being annoying remind the mans to eat.

Raffle? Oh donators! They go through a raffle thingy! Nice!

Hooray OSMP but also Fundy please sleep and such.

Not even raffling. Just opening and closing.

Nice spin noises.

WOLF! Wolf earned to win the raffle.

Wait wait wait? Fundy go get some food and go to bed!

Hey look there is our streamer!

This is the max post size lol. 5up raid let’s go! Hello 5up! We are here! But now I’m going to bed. Oh nevermind. I hear the fox. Ah that’s smart 5up. Anyway. I’m gone now.

[ramblings-of-a-cavill-lover]

Of Bites And Tough Times

Summary: Henry and his wife discuss what is to be done about their daughter’s behavior at school, but bring up topics that lay buried for too long.

Warnings: Depression/ language/ burnout/ couple’s argument/ (blink and you’ll miss) talk of divorce/ very little fluff/ loads of angst. If you notice anything that should be included in the warnings, please let me know.

Word count: 3k+

A/N: This was requested by my dear @constip8merm8 who wanted a story closer to the real world, that couldn’t be fluffy or smutty. I wasn’t pretty faithful to the theme (the daughter biting other children at school and they discuss how to deal with it) but she told me it was good, so here it is.

Gif by @henricavyll​

Rose was the light of his life.

The day she arrived he was there.

Every rough night, when she was colicky, he insisted on holding her for as long as she needed the comfort.

He was there for the first tooth and the crying that came with it.

He was there for the times when she’d mumble “mama”, just to insist she said “papa”.

He managed to capture on film the first time she stood up, using a chubby fistful of Kal’s fur for support.

He dedicated the first eighteen months of her life to be there for her and his wife.

But time is a luxury in his job. If he spent much longer away from photo shoots and auditions, the spotlight would shift to a younger, better looking actor, and he wasn’t ready to give up acting just yet.

The following four months were full of airports, makeup artists, hair stylists, clicks from famous photographers and paparazzi alike.

He had grown too fond of the silence from that side of his life and the few phone calls they’d get from family and friends every week. Having to reacquaint himself with the constant chiming of his notifications wasn’t easy, and he found himself struggling with the change.

He didn’t commit to anything long term at first, but the idea was certainly on his mind warring with the delight of returning to the giggling toothy grin and bouncing curls with some frequency.

It had been three days since he returned from his most recent commitment abroad and Rose was still clingy - not that he’d ever complain.

Taking her to nursery school had become his job, per her decree, and on that Friday he decided to linger a bit after dropping her to chat with other parents.

The shrill scream pierced Henry’s ears but faded into wailing before his eyes could register where it had come from.

It had happened once before and his fears were confirmed when his daughter’s teary, bicolored eyes, already regretful, met his own.

Relief and gratitude for being there at that moment washed over him along with anger and dismay in the split second it took him to understand the situation.

Her teacher was leading her away from the other child by her upper arm, when he reached them.

It had been a topic of conversation with his wife, unfortunately leading to an argument.

“If I hadn’t been there, watching… She was about to bite the other kid. And when the teacher showed me a picture of the incident… I was mortified Henry. I wanted to dig a hole and hide.” The tears welling in her eyes as she recounted what had happened earlier only fueled an anger he tried to mitigate and keep out of his words.

“How bad was it?”

“It’s not a matter of how bad! It’s a matter of her repeating that behavior and dealing with adults trying to correct her in a way we wouldn’t. It’s also a matter of her not doing it anymore! Why is this happening? So many children adapt so well, why not her?”

Breathing deeply through his nostrils, he concentrated on biting back the opinion she disagreed with. This didn’t have to become a fight.

Going to the living room to pick up a tissue box, he focused on controlling his anger before bringing it back to the kitchen.

“Why don’t you say something?” she hissed. “Why don’t you throw the much anticipated ‘I told you so!’ in my face, huh?”

She managed to keep her voice down, so she wouldn’t wake the sleeping culprit, but it only added to the tension between them.

“You want me to? Cause you know I’m thinking it.” he replied quietly.

“I just want to get a bit of my life back Henry! I want to have a sense of self again! I want to have some time for myself!” tears she couldn’t hold anymore ran down her face as she spoke. “I feel like I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want my life anymore Henry.”

He offered her a tissue which she harshly took from his hand.

Her words broke him.

He was grateful that her head hung low in that moment, while blowing her nose. She didn’t see the battle he raged against the tears threatening to pour out of his eyes.

“We finally managed to get her to sleep in her bed. And you’re not here to deal with this every single day. You have the luxury of being with adults, dealing with adult things!” she continued. “I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation that didn’t revolve around nappies, toddler clothing stores or toy brands. I’m going crazy here!”

He could see her side of the issue. He understood how much she was hurting, but he couldn’t fully accept what she wanted.

“I talked to a friend of mine, a psychologist, earlier today.” he started.

She shook her head and waved her hands as if to say she didn’t understand where he was getting at and what that had to do with the subject being discussed at the moment.

He held his palm up towards her, asking her to let him finish, as he usually did when her patience was starting to run low during their arguments.

“He said children present this kind of behavior when they are put in situations or places where they don’t feel safe, or loved, or understood. Or when adults don’t have the patience to deal with them and expect them to behave and be quiet, like adults. That got me thinking…”

“What are you trying to say?” she asked quietly, narrowing her eyes.

He didn’t get to finish whatever he had in mind.

“It’s so easy for a psychologist, or even for you, to simply judge the situation from afar. It’s not like there are any other places nearer to our home, which would make it harder for me, and recapping in case you weren’t paying attention, that’s the opposite of the bloody goal!” she said through her teeth and started counting with her fingers. “It’s also not like we’re going to hire a nanny, because neither you or I want a stranger raising our child! And you’re asking me to put my life on hold for another three or four years.”

He nodded, hugging her when a sob stopped her from saying anything else.

“You’re not here, it’s just me and Rosie. I’m going crazy. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know myself anymore Henry!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” he whispered into her hair, trying to be strong for her despite the burning in his eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want you to feel stuck at home with her. I want you two to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

He ran his hands up and down her back in a soothing manner and pulled away, enough to cup her face and wipe the tears with his thumbs. From the way her eyes swept over his face, he knew he probably didn’t do a good job at hiding how much the whole thing hurt him.

“Let’s go to bed. We’re both too tired. I’ll take care of her in the morning, okay?” he suggested and she nodded her agreement before he finished talking. “I’ll make sure we don’t wake you and I hope you’ll get to sleep in.”

“With my luck,” she replied and sniffled, “I’ll probably wake up as soon as the bed gets cold.”

She didn’t wake up.

That morning was spent with half of his brain mulling over everything said the night before. His mind was racing in search for a solution they could compromise on as he helped Rose add blueberries to her yogurt, while he tied her curls in two pigtails and while he took her to the playgroup on the stroller because she didn’t want to walk.

After the long conversation that demanded the presence of the teacher, the school’s counselor and a representative for the administration because of the reoccurrence, he walked out of there with Rose’s sleeping breath fanning his neck and her little fist crumpling the front of his shirt.

Sending his wife a text explaining what had happened, he decided to spend the day out and about with his daughter. He definitely did not want to fight, and after hearing the school’s opinion on the matter, he was even more convinced that she’d have to meet him halfway.

Despite his detailed text message, when he entered the house after five pm, she was mad all the same.

He walked past her without any words, taking Rose to bed, removing her shoes, loosening her hair out of the ties and kissing her forehead.

Leaving the door slightly ajar he drew in a deep breath and went back down the stairs.

“Do you want to go first? Because when I start I really don’t want you to interrupt me.” he said to his wife as he sat on the couch opposite her.

He didn’t like the whole situation. He didn’t like that it brought so much division between them. He even hated the coffee table between them.

“Fine. Go.” she said quietly and crossed her arms.

“Do you hate me for going back to work? Do you want me to take full custody of Rose?”

She blanched at the implications of his words.

“No! What the fuck does that mean? I love her! I love you! I’m just extremely exhausted and that does not help, Henry!”

He nodded, losing steam. Spilling all he wanted to say would only add to the burden she felt she had to carry. After a deep sigh she continued.

“I think it’s quite unfair of you to want me to stay with her 24/7.”

And just like that, his anger flared again.

“You did say, before we married, that you were okay with being a mum, that you understood that these first years would demand more of you. I was sure that it was fine with you being a stay-at-home mum.” he leaned on his elbows, towards her, and shook his head after speaking.

Her mouth went slack with the customary silent ‘oh’, testifying to her deep indignation.

“Is that what this whole argument is about?” she asked quietly.

“Fuck, this is coming out all wrong!” he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment and running a hand through his hair . “Listen, all I want is for you to be there for her, be it physically or emotionally, finding a place that’s more suitable. I really did not like the way the school handled it this morning, and I would very much like for Rose not to go back to a place where she feels unhappy enough to hurt other children!”

She fell silent. Her face screamed her desire to protest his words or something he’d said, but he was glad she didn’t add oil to the fire.

“I guess we’re all unhappy.” he finally said looking at the floor. “I think I’m going to take her and spend the weekend with my parents.”

“Without me?”

“Yes, without you. It will give you some time to rest, recharge. To do whatever you want or need to do without worrying about meals to prepare and nappies to change. Focus on things that make you happy, that would make this life more bearable for you.”

“Henry, look at me.”

He did, and the pain contorting her features prevented him from hiding his tears any longer.

“I just want what’s best for her.” he whispered around the lump in his throat.

“So do I. But I can’t guarantee that if I’m unhappy, Henry.” she replied between sobs. “Taking her away only makes me feel worse. Why don’t you just throw in my face that I’m a bad mum?”

There were so many words that he wished to say. So many words that he wanted to get off his chest.

He bit them back, crossing the living room and kneeling on the floor next to her on the armchair.

“You’re not a bad mum. You’re the best mum. You’re so caring, so patient, selfless and so, so strong. You go above and beyond for her. I see that. I see that you’re doing the best you can under so much strain. I love you so much!” her fingers were cold when he touched the hand lying on her knee, so he held both of her hands in his.

There was only sniffing and tears filling the quiet void that followed his words.

Warmer hands held his back when he decided to break that silence.

“Could you please make this sacrifice? For me? For us? All of us? I don’t want her to stop playing with other kids, she likes that. I just want you to make sure that the place where she’s playing is a place that nurtures her mentally.”

He paused examining her still tear-streaked face. It was probably a mirror of his own.

“I can get a driver to take her wherever you believe she’ll adapt best.” he pleaded.

He knew she’d hate the idea before her head started shaking minutely. But she said nothing against it.

“I believe it’s the closest we’ll come to an agreement.” she finally whispered after sniffling and wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. “I’ll start looking on Monday.”

“Thank you. And while you’re at it, maybe you could look into a place where she could go more than just a couple of days a week?” he said, getting up and planting a kiss on the crown of her head. “Have you eaten?”

“I think that’s an excellent idea.” she answered absentmindedly, and added,”I ate a granola bar, just before you arrived.”

“Want me to cook you something?” he asked, stopping halfway to the kitchen.

“Have you eaten?” she asked, her voice still far away.

“Yes. We had hamburgers.” he replied before adding with a halfhearted smile, “Well, she ate half of her hamburger, I ate mine and the other half. She inhaled the chips though.”

“Oh. Did she eat your chips too?”

“A fair amount. So, what do you feel like?”

“I’m not hungry.” she answered.

“Okay.” he said, sighing and making for the stairs once more. “If you need me, I’ll be packing her bag.”

The fifth step creaked under his feet before she spoke.

“Why can’t you?”

“‘Why can’t I’ what?” he asked, puzzlement clear in his tone.

“Why can’t you make that sacrifice?” she asked again, looking at nothing in particular.

“Are you asking me why I can’t stay at home?” the disbelief on his tone brought her eyes to his. She nodded.

“Why I can’t sacrifice my whole career, is that seriously what you want to know?” he continued, going back down the stairs and kneeling before her once more.

“Aren’t these first years of her development as important to you? Isn’t your presence just as necessary?” she asked quietly.

He was finally done with holding back tears. Letting his head hang low, he sobbed.

She let him cry, caressing his curls when he leaned his forehead on her knee.

“Of course it is.” he rasped between sobs. “But I don’t want to lose everything I worked so hard to achieve. Do you think I want to be away from her? From you both? Honestly? Do you think it is an ego thing?”

“Henry, I…” she started, but he interrupted her.

“I’m afraid. Is that what you want to hear? I’m fucking terrified there will be nothing for me if I go back to work years from now. And what terrifies me the most is the possibility of resenting you or Rosie.”

He shook his head and got up, wiping a hand over his face.

“Won’t you resent your career eventually for taking you away from her? From the both of us?” she asked, earnestly.

That gave him pause. He walked back to the couch on the other side of the room and let himself sink down on the leather.

She was right.

He was so focused on the life he could be missing out there, he hadn’t considered what would happen when he took on longer contracts.

Images of Rose’s first birthday flashed in his mind. It hurt imagining being on the other side of the world and missing her second, less than two months away.

The reality was harsh anyway.

“Why is what I do so different from other fathers who work eight or ten hours away, everyday? Or from those who work twelve-hour shifts? I just do that for fewer months.” he complained, reasoning more with himself than with her. “I could audition only for jobs that would keep me closer to home. Or work on only one big production per year.”

He paused, lifting his misty eyes to meet hers after almost boring a hole on the carpet.

“But if you already feel overwhelmed with my short trips, I can’t see how you wouldn’t hate me if I had to be on set for any longer periods of time.”

Taking a tissue from the box she had thankfully brought back from the kitchen, he blew his nose.

“I just need to feel like an adult again. Like I can be more than just a ‘mum’, confined to the limits of these walls and the walk to the nursery or the supermarket.” she paused. “I’m just so tired. So done. Why is that so hard for you to accept?”

“It isn’t.” She rolled her eyes in disbelief, but he insisted. “It really isn’t. I get it. Or, at least, I’m trying to.”

Nodding, she got up and sat next to him on the couch.

“We need help. I don’t want you to feel like this anymore.” he whispered, bringing her closer to his chest and wrapping her in his arms.

“Without bringing a stranger to our home?” she asked, her words muffled into his shirt. “I don’t see how.”

Henry sighed after several minutes in silence, expelling all the negative energy from his body, as he lay his cheek on the crown of her head.

“I will think about this some more during these days we’re away. I’ll talk to my parents as well if that’s okay with you.”

She nodded, humming her approval.

“I’ll do the same from here. I’ll text you if I come up with any good ideas.” she said.

“I’d prefer you to just relax and not worry, but that’s not going to happen, is it?” he asked, smiling.

“Nope.”

He could feel her smile and some of the tension leaving her.

“You know me better than that.” she added.

“I do.” he replied, chuckling, and after a moment added, “Will you talk to me before it gets this bad next time, after we find a solution and if you ever feel like that again, please?”

She pulled away from him slightly, enough to look him in the eyes, and nodded.

He kissed her forehead.

“I already walked Kal.” she said.

“That’s why he’s so quiet.” he replied. “Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything?”

“If I feel hungry, I’ll make a sandwich. Don’t worry.” she answered and let out a heavy sigh. “I just hope that all of this is going to be worth our while and that she’ll stop biting other children.”

“If she doesn’t, at least I know a psychologist.” he remarked.

He felt her soft laughter, and with a soft click of his tongue, he continued.

“You know what? You should start your relaxing right now. Forget the problems and go find yourself again. Just keep in mind that we love you. I love you very much and I’ll do my best to make things better from now on.”

“Thank you. I’m gonna take you up on that offer.” she said and planted a kiss on his lips. “If I fall asleep and don’t see you off, tell Rosie I love her. Be safe. I love you, too.”

🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟

[bewareofchris]

Writing advice on How to write an interesting antagonist, please?

sorry about the day-late reply.  I’d like to say that I was thinking up a really good answer but also my sinuses are trying to kill me.

OK, so there are a few key points that you should remember when it comes an interesting antagonist.  (These will be listed in no particular order.)

Purpose: what sort of antagonist do you need?  If you’re writing a rom-com you don’t need a supervillain.  

C o n v i c t i o n.  This means that whatever your antagonist is doing to hinder your story/protag it needs to come from the POV of a person who is trying to accomplish something.  Any antagonist who only exists to say mean things to your character without any sort of personal goal will fall flat in the long run.  Yes, it might really hurt if you get stabbed in the back by Laughing McMeanpants but if McMeanpants is just doing it to be a bother and gains nothing it just seems pointless.  

A fully developed Character.  I know this one seems almost obvious but here me out.  We spend a lot of time with our protagonists.  We love them.  We sometimes throw them into pits full of salt-covered razor blades but that comes from a place of love.  I’m not saying that you have to love your antagonist to successfully have one, but you should try it.  The most interesting antagonists are the ones that are only wrong by virtue of being on the losing side?  Like, they have SUCH A GOOD POINT and SUCH VALID reasons for doing what they are doing that you almost, a little bit, kind of want them to win.  (There are also the sort of antagonists that just want to watch the world burn and those you don’t want to win but you still sort of root for when nobody’s looking because they are a force of nature.)  Let your Antagonist has a life.  A history.  Loved ones.  Interests.  Hobbies.  Favorite foods.  A day job?  Petty rivalries.  Accomplishments.  Weaknesses that aren’t just used for destroying them.  Random skills like whistling and that weird tongue-folding thing people do.

A REASONABLE LEVEL OF POWER FOR YOUR STORY’S SETTING.  Look, as much as I love a good ol’team up for the win story, if you’ve given your antagonist the literal power of the gods, you’re not really making him work for it are you?  Maybe what’s interesting about your antagonist is that they did work their ass off to be where they are?  Maybe whatever power they had didn’t come naturally.  People are a lot more likely to defend something they had to scratch, claw, bite and kill to get then they are something that was just given to them?  And who doesn’t secretly want the guy who had to spend 20 years collecting gemstones while being laughed at by the village virgins and sleeping in shit to win when he’s up against The Golden Child who Happened To Find A Dragon Egg?  

Self Worth and Ego. Nobody considers themselves the villain of their own story.  They probably don’t sit around drinking their wine being like, whose such an evil boy?  I’m such an evil boy.  They’re out there being like: what the hell is wrong with Johnny Goodguy?  WHY IS HE SO ANNOYING.  And or they’re super stressed, forgetting to wash their hair in the shower, trying to figure out how to out think Johnny Goodguy.  If both your protag and antagonist aren’t literally furious about the other one always doing something wrong, you’re not being fair to one of them. 

Consistency.   Don’t fall into that trap where the antagonist twirls their mustache while talking about sawing James Bond in half but leaves him unattended because he’s squeamish I guess?  If your antagonist is the sort of person whose going to saw someone in half, he’s probably he sort of person whose going to stick around and make sure it gets done right.  If you do not want your antagonist to win, do not set up a practically inescapable trap and then have your protag escape because of negligence.  RESPECT YOUR ANTAGONIST.  They have a giant saw machine for a reason.  It’s because they use it.  They probably also have an incinerator in the basement!  If Jimmy wants to escape he better be the most clever person alive or JUST NOT GET CAUGHT.

Let’s repeat that last bit: Respect your antagonist.  Even if your protagonist hates him.  Even if antagonist is REVOLTING.  Even if he is a murderous baby killer out here eating newborn and puppy soup for breakfast while cheating on his taxes and cutting to the front of the Starbucks line, he is USELESS as a villain/antagonist if you aren’t taking him seriously.  If your antagonist is just there to make your protag feel bad with quippy insults, then your protag needs to feel bad when he sees them.  If your antagonist is out here destroying planets, people need to be afraid of him.  And not like, oh he’s so bad but I guess I’ll just kill him anyway because i”m the hero and I fear nothing.  Bravery is not the absence of fear.  Having your badass protagonist not care just undermines the worth of your antagonist.

Now, how to put these to use in the story very much depends on what sort of antagonist that you’re using, how important they are to the story and how much time you’re putting into it/how long it is.  A 2k rom-com with a one-off a-hole doesn’t really need as much devotion as a 200k epic sci-fi fantasy thriller.  

But some quick suggestions:

Gossip. A well placed bit of gossip about the antagonist of your choice is an excellent method of adding in a sprinkle of backstory without having to listen to a villain-ish monologue.  And it doesn’t even have to be outright backstory?  It can just be fun things like, “i bet he’s the kind of guy that eats baby turtles” “he eats oranges with he peels on.” “His ex-wife moved to Alaska to get away from him.” “Not even a blind dog would lick his hand.”  You know, general impressions of his character that indicate he is universally disliked.

Begrudging Compliments/Unintentional Acts of Kindness Think of “i hate that guy but you gotta admit he draws Lisa Frank tigers better than Lisa Frank.”  Or “everyone was going to get fired because nobody finished this work project but Asshole K Asshole showed up at the last minute and finished it so we’re all still here.”  MAKE YOUR PROTAG HAVE TO THANK YOUR ANTAGONIST AND IT’S ALL THE MORE REASON TO HATE THEM.

An acceptable level of villain, progressing from smallest to largest Remember the way to build dread/suspense/fear is to always leave room to get worse.  Do not, I BEG YOU, do NOT start off your antagonist by making them the most unreasonable/over the top/absolutely most violent thing you can imagine?  Do not show up to a casual drink party with a fire-starting child killer edgelord drinking blood out of a can while shouting slurs at minorities and proclaiming himself king of the universe.  Maybe he just shows up to the party looking arrogant, and belligerently dismisses your protag while effortlessly making everyone like him more?  And then later he starts setting things on fire.  Like at the end of the story.  Set a starting place (minimally shocking but morally unacceptable action) and an ending place (shocking but not surprising and morally reprehensible/repugnant/just like the worst action(s)).

He’s enjoying himself/but also it’s a hassle.  People like winning.  Everyone likes winning.  It doesn’t even matter what you’re winning.  A popularity contest?  Control over the universe?  Soccer?  You’re winning, it’s great, you like it.  It’s a high, you want to keep it, and while you’re there why not rub it in a little that you’re like FANTASTIC.  So Antagonist, whose on top because he’s a fucking winner?  He’s going to enjoy it, and he’s going to want to hang onto that sweet sweet winner kool-aid as long as he can.  But there’s a price to literally being driven to win/hang onto that and it’s exhaustion.  Constantly having to stay in power requires constantly having to mutate to fit the needs of being powerful.  It’s not one-and-done because as soon as you are winning someone’s offended by it and they are coming to take your throne.  Even the people who are riding your coattails are expecting something from you.  And if you’ve used fear to get where you are, you have to maintain that level of fear at all times which means constantly showing up being all threatening and unpleasant.  These things are exhausting.  A man’s got to sleep and he can’t sleep well when he’s having to cut off his lackey’s fingers every other day so people now he’s a Bad Dude.  And now he’s got Protag to deal with?  MY GOD WILL IT EVER END.  Balance your antagonist’s joy at succeeding with his very real physical and emotional limitations.  Don’t let him have effortless control over whatever power he has, let there be cracks all through the base of his empire.  Let just a smidgen of doubt sneak in.  (Maybe he’s on steroids.  I bet he cheats at cards.  Nobody’s that big of a dick all the time.  His Mom cannot be happy about him.)

Always, always, always maintain that your Antagonist COULD FAIL A lot of time is spent in stories building up your hero so he’s big enough to defeat whatever’s standing in his way.  One of the methods of doing that is by comparing him to the Bigger, Badder, usually Better/More Powerful Antagonist.  This creates a lovely structure for super heroes that gets very old very quick.  You don’t need to climb the oldest mountain in the world to retrieve the Pearl of Wisdom and Good Teeth to finally have enough Inner Peace to lose your braces after 11 years so you can defeat the high school bully.  Create an antagonist that is Bad and In Your Way but also human-enough (or equivalent) to be defeated.  You NEVER have to say this outright in the story.  You just have to remember in writing him that he isn’t the Most Powerful Thing To Live.  Even if people call him the Most Powerful Thing To Live, throw in the idea that he’s only the most powerful right now.  That he had to defeat someone to be the most powerful, and that shows that eventually something will defeat him.  If your antagonist isn’t having to work to stay where he’s at, he’s boring.

In summary:

Antagonist need character.  A full character with strengths/weaknesses/backstory/goals.  They need to fully want those goals and be willing to work as hard as your hero to get it.  They need to truly believe they have the right to their goal and/or that their goal is the RIGHT ONE.  You need to respect your antagonist as if he were your protagonist and not write him as a crazy-faced crazypants to make your Hero look good.  Antagonists have physical and emotional limitations.  They will react according to their developed Character.  Do not make them lazy/negligent at the last moment to save your hero.  And you should love them, just a little, not because they’re good people but because they’re your baby.

[themoonandotherslikeit]

What the Rain Can’t Wash Away - Epilogue

*FINAL PART TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES SERIES*

Sixteen years after Lucifer rose, and Dean lost his wife he finds himself with a teenager, a Nephilim, an angel, and his brother living out a Full House rerun with some seriously dark undertones. How will he be able to raise his daughter, fight monsters, and deal with the loss of the love of his life? Sometimes moving on is the hardest part, but with the Winchester’s there’s always something harder around the corner. Isn’t there?

"No doubt.. Endings are hard, but then again.. nothing ever really ends, does it??"

Seven Months Later

Dean

The bar was busy, bustling. Sometimes it was hard to keep track of everything, but I was starting to get the hang of it. Deep breaths, focus on a specific sound, and block out the rest. It wasn’t always easy, but it was damn effective. 

Things were calm, for once in my life. It still felt wrong, like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop-- jokes on me, though, because it already did. Sometimes there just isn’t another shoe. Most people have only two feet, and I’ve had about a million fall on my head throughout the years. Maybe it is really over, at least that’s what Ave keeps saying. 

“Dean.” 

I’d recognize the voice anywhere, and at the sound of it I reached under the bar for the beer I’d been saving, and I tossed it to him. There wasn’t a crash so I had to assume that Sam still had good hand-eye coordination. Well, better than mine at least. “Sammy. Back from the hunt already?” 

“It was a milk run.” I could hear the grin in his voice. He was a proud fucker. He loved the hunt, and I couldn’t fault him for that. Sometimes I missed it, but mostly I didn’t. The squeak of his favorite bar stool told me he sat down. Guess he was planning on staying awhile. 

“Cas with you?’

“He went back to the bunker to check on the kids.” 

“They probably aren’t there. It’s summer. Can’t hardly keep tabs on them anymore.”

“Who does that sound like?” 

I laughed and shook my head, leaning on the bar. “Shut up, Sammy. Guess this is what I deserve, huh? After all I put Dad through.” 

“Yeah, man,” Sam said softly, reaching out and touching my arm. “It is. You seem good.” 

Sometimes I tried to remember what Sam looked like. Every day was harder. It all seemed so fuzzy, and I wasn’t sure what I was making up or what was true. 

“I am good,” I said, and it wasn’t even a lie. “Bar is doing great.” 

“I can tell! You’ve got a lot of business.” 

“We’re holding our own.” 

Sam was still in the life, and he came and went a lot, but he always ended up back home. That was all that mattered. 

“Where’s Ave?” 

“She ran to get limes. We were out.”

“So she’s not sick of you yet?” 

“Quit grinning, Sammy,” I said with a laugh. A familiar warmth grew in my gut as Ava’s face popped into my head-- well what I could remember of it. “Nah, she’s not tired of me yet.” 

“You made it, man.” 

“Yeah, I did.” 

“Excuse me? Can I get some service down here?” A voice called from the end of the bar. 

“Be right back,” I said to my brother, shaking my head. “Duty calls.” 

I slid down to the end of the bar in front of the girl calling for me. I leaned in toward her. “How can I help you?” 

“How about a glass of red.” 

“How about a soda,” I retorted with a smile. “Just because I can’t see doesn’t mean I’m blind. 

She reached forward and grabbed my head, illuminating my vision. Eleanor sat in front of me, my own patented grin painted on her lips. “Hey, Dad.” 

“Hey kiddo. What brings you around?”

“Going to take Claire on a date,” she said, blushing a bit. “And I missed you. Where’s Mom?” 

“Getting limes.”

Seeing her never got old. When she touched my hand it was like she turned the light on. She was happy, glowing, literally. I was proud of her. 

“Ah, maybe I’ll catch her before the movie.” 

I couldn’t stop staring at her. There weren't many things in the world that I loved more than looking at her. 

“Dean, I’m back.” 

I sat up straighter, turning toward the door. “El, can I--” 

It was like she clicked on global vision, and I was seeing the whole bar through her eyes. The door opening, and in the midst of the afternoon crowd my beautiful wife came in, arms full of a bag of bright green limes, bouncing against her large pregnant belly. 

“Nel, you’re here,” Ave said, dropping the limes on the counter before wrapping our daughter into a hug. Ella let go of my hand to hug her mom back, clicking the lights back off for me, but the sight of Ava’s round belly was still burned into my vision like I’d stared too long at the sun. 

She was almost ready to burst at any time. We had the nursery completed upstairs, but we’d been dragging our feet moving out of the bunker. It still felt weird that Eleanor didn’t live with us. I think we felt like if we left that we would be moving on without her. We didn’t know what we were having, Ave wanted it to be a surprise, and I wanted whatever she wanted. She deserved to be happy and stress free. My job was to be the best husband possible. No Hell Hounds, no hunts, no money problems. The goal was to be happy. That was it. 

She wanted to be a stay at home mom with this one. She didn’t want to miss anything else, and that was fine with me. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to go back to the force, but the itch is a lot easier to ignore when you aren’t faced with it everyday, at least that’s what I told myself. 

We were going away after we closed up tonight. They called it a ‘baby moon’ the last weekend away before the baby comes. I told her that we should go back to the beach, where we first started to fall in love with each other. I wouldn’t be against the sand in my toes, a classic shitty motel, the smell of the sea… 

I could remember her running out to the beach, her arms in the air, Sam and I following after her like the lovesick puppies we were. It felt like a different lifetime. I guess it kind of was. 

“Mom are you okay?” 

“What’s going on?” I asked, snapping out of my own personal day dream. 

Ave sucked in her breath, and I made my way around the bar, keeping my hand on the edge until I made it around to her. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she huffed. 

“You don’t look fine,” Ella said, suspiciously. 

“Ava, what’s happening?” I asked, touching her arm. She leaned into me immediately, and I reached down to touch her stomach. It was tight, and my eyebrows came together. “Are you having a contraction?” 

After a moment of gasping and gripping my shoulder with her hand she whispered, “Fine, yes,” breathlessly. 

“How long?”

“All morning,” she said sheepishly, letting out a pained laugh. 

“Damnit, Ave.” 

“Don’t do that,” she said dismissively. 

“Hey Sam, go get the car.” I dug my phone out of my pocket and handed it to El. “Can you get Claire to come close up shop? We’re having a baby.” 

My heart was racing. I couldn’t hide that I was excited, and fucking terrified. We didn’t have a great track record and even though this pregnancy has seemed pretty seamless, there was still a lot of risk. “Are you good, sweetheart?” I asked Ava, wrapping my arm around her. 

“Still hate that,” she gasped, another contraction racking her body. “But yeah, I’m good.” 

A honk came from out front and I put my arm under hers. “Ready?”

“It’s probably nothing, Dean… My water hasn’t even broken.” 

“Ava Winchester, just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re in pain. Let’s go get you checked out. If anything, we will just come home and watch a movie. Okay?” 

“Fine,” she huffed. Stubborn woman. 

We got in the car, Sammy was driving and Ave, and I were in the backseat. I let her lay down, and I held onto her. “I’ve got you, Ave.” 

I tried not to think much about the day that Eleanor was born. The day I missed, but as Ava writhed in pain in my lap I couldn’t help but wonder if Sam was holding her like this. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was afraid. 

She squeezed my hand tightly, pulling my arm around her. I could feel her tears on my forearm. I’d have given anything to take her pain away. “Wish I could switch places with you,” I whispered into her hair. 

“You couldn’t handle it,” she gasped out. 

She was probably right. 

We rolled up to the hospital, and they wheeled her to her room while Sam and I took care of all of the paperwork. Now that I was an official business owner, we had legitimate insurance. It was kind of weird putting our real names on the forms. 

“Is this what it was like the first time?” I asked. 

“Huh?” I could hear his pencil scribbling on the forms. 

“When Ella was born? Was this what it was like?” 

“No,” Sam said softly, his pencil stopping. “She didn’t go into labor then. She had to be induced. It was pretty scary, actually, but she did great.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted. 

“You’d be crazy not to be,” Sam said, squeezing my shoulder. 

“Thanks for being there for her the first time.” 

“You’ll do it this time. It’s pretty incredible, honestly.” 

“You think you and Eileen will ever?”

Sam exhaled and was quiet for a moment. I could hear his pencil tapping. “Doubt it. I already have two kids, basically three with Claire. Plus, I like the hunt too much. So does she.”

I smiled a bit to myself. I used to feel that way. Incredible how your perspective can change. Guess I had to lose my sight in order to truly see. 

Ava 

I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t done the baby’s laundry. We hadn’t even fully moved into the apartment. I think I kept expecting the other shoe to drop, something to change, to fall apart. I didn’t expect this. 

I was laying in a hospital bed, with my feet in the air and some nurse had her fingers probing for my cervix. I thought I was going to throw up, and all I could think about was Dean. Part of me wondered if he ran, even though he wouldn’t have to see anything traumatic. I couldn’t stop thinking about how last time I did this I was all alone. 

Except for Sam. 

Sam really was the only constant for Dean and I. We should buy him a fruit basket or cigars or name this kid after him, or something. 

The door opened, exposing Sam and Dean. If I didn’t know any better I’d think Dean was about to throw up, and Sam didn’t look much better, if I was being honest. I instinctively reached out for Dean, forgetting for a second that he couldn’t see me. It was still hard sometimes. Sam nudged him in my direction, and he found my hand easily. “Are you okay?” He asked softly, gripping me tightly. 

I looked to the nurse who smiled tentatively, removing her hand and discarding her glove. “Ava you’re about eight inches dilated. I’m going to have the OB come in and check you out, okay?” 

“Sure,” I said with a hopeful smile before turning to Dean. 

Sam had slipped out with the nurse, leaving Dean and I alone. I was appreciative of that. I moved my feet from the stirrups, because who knew how long the doctor would take, and I scooted over. “Sit,” I demanded quietly. 

He placed his hand down on the bed and felt around until he was able to sit next to me, feeling him next to me immediately relaxed me a bit. “Sammy?” He called out. 

“He ditched out. My legs being up in the air probably scared him away.” 

“Good,” Dean said with an ornery smile. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. “He should be scared.”

I laughed lightly and kissed him before wincing from another contraction. He held me against him, his face curling down into concern. Ever since his eyesight left him, Dean was even more easily readable than before. Since he couldn’t see people’s faces, it’s like he forgot that we could still see his expressions. “What?” I gasped out a bit. 

“Huh?” 

“You seem… concerned.” 

“I am concerned,” he admitted, his forehead wrinkling as his eyebrows came together. “The nurse she sounded… worried, I guess. Shit, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just freaking out.” 

I smiled at him warmly and touched his cheek. He was so fucking cute. The big bad Dean Winchester, single father for sixteen years, and so damn afraid. I loved him so much for it. “No freaking out allowed. I’m about to push a living being out of my vagina. You aren’t allowed to freak out.” 

“Right,” he said, his face getting serious. “Sorry, I shouldn’t do that. You need me to be strong. I should be your support here, not cause more issues.” 

“You’re okay, Dean. I’m just giving you crap.” I pulled his face to me, and I kissed him desperately. “It’s your first time.” 

“I hate that I missed Ella’s birth. I think about it a lot.” 

“I wish you were there, too.” 

A knock came to the door, and I looked toward the door. “Mrs. Winchester?” 

“That’s me.” 

“I’m going to just check you out,” Dr. Laucklan said with a warm smile. 

I frowned a bit. “Why? The nurse just did.” 

“I just want to double check. I don’t want you to be concerned.” 

Concerned. Well I was. How could I not be after she said that? Dean stood up and held my hand tightly. 

“It’s good to see you again, Dean.”

“Good to hear ya Doc,” Dean said, beaming. 

I adjusted my legs back into the stirrups and scooted to the end of the table. 

They never really tell you how much it sucks getting your cervix messed with. It hurts in a way that is unnatural, it’s mean, and Dean has learned, and is already squeezing my hand in preparation. It was almost eighteen years ago that I was here with Ella, Sam snuggled behind me, but it didn’t feel like that long. My body remembered this feeling like I just went through it. I barely felt healed from the first time, but dying does weird things to you. Nothing is ever really normal after that. Not that my life with the Winchester’s had ever been normal. 

My OB was making sounds in reaction to whatever she was doing between my legs. It was a humming, a sort of judgmental noise that left me unsettled. 

Something was wrong. 

She pulled her hand away and discarded her glove. “Ava, Dean,” she began, and my stomach dropped. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want you to be worried, but there may be a change in plans,” she explained. “Your baby has flipped since your last appointment, he or she is now in a breech position.” 

“What?” I asked, my heartbeat pounding so angrily in my ears that the sound was virtually impossible to override. 

“Can we do anything about that? Turn them around? I think I heard of that…” Dean’s voice was far away. He couldn't see my face, and it was probably for the best, because I had to look absolutely terrified. 

I ran my hands over my swollen stomach. This was the last place that my little one would be safe. Inside of me, they’re safe, but now… what I was hearing from my doctor told me that I couldn’t even protect them. “What do we do?” I asked, the sound of my own voice snapping me out of that feeling that I was underwater. 

“I want to suggest a Cesarean.” 

“A C-section,” I said, dumbfounded. 

“What?” Dean’s voice was rising, and I couldn't even look at him. I couldn't process my emotions and his. It was all too much. “That isn’t a part of our birth plan.” 

In any other circumstance, hearing Dean Winchester use the phrase birth plan would be insanely entertaining to me. “Dean,” I whispered, reaching for his hand again. I finally turned to see his face, it was twisted, his cheeks wet from tears. I had to remind myself that this was his first time. Last time didn’t exactly go as planned. “It’s okay.” 

“No, Ave… it’s…” 

“Hey,” I said, tugging him to me. I brushed my nose against his. “I love you. Everything will be okay. We want to do what's safest for our little pumpkin.” 

He pressed his forehead to mine in a way that was so gentle that it made my heart hurt. “I just want you both to be okay.” 

“We will be. You’ll be right there the whole time.” 

“But I can’t see,” Dean said, his voice breaking into a soft, strained sob. 

I touched his cheek, holding his face, and I closed my own eyes so we would be on equal terms. “You don’t have to be able to see to be there. You aren’t defined by that, Dean. Not to me.” 

“Okay,” he whispered with a nod. “Okay.” 

Ella 

I’ve learned a lot of tricks in the last few months. Some Cas taught me, some Billie, and some I just learned myself. One of the best, though, is the most simple. I like to be invisible. Sometimes I just watched them, my parents. I watch them be together, be in love. Sometimes I’ll just rest my hand on Dad’s shoulder so he can see Mom. The look on his face when he does is always one of complete adoration. It’s kind of like how Claire looks at me. 

I wouldn’t ever admit it to them, but I spent a lot of time back in that bar, the one where they met. I even went back in time once, just to watch them meet. It may not have been obvious to them, but I could tell that they were already spent on each other. Especially Dad. 

I heard their prayers from the hospital like they were right next to me, pressed against my ear. With all of the power in the world I still didn’t know how to fix this. 

I popped into the operating room, everything was sterile, blue. The air was cold and Mom was shivering. Her arms were spread out and strapped down. She sort of looked like Jesus on the cross, and the sight left me sick to my stomach. 

Dad’s hands were shaking as he held her hand. He wore blue gowns, something over his hair, and a mask. He looked alien. I wished someone had taken a photograph. 

They were both behind a curtain that separated Mom’s stomach from the rest of her body. The doctor cut into her, pulled her organs out to expose her uterus, and I felt awful for ever being born. The human body was incredible. 

Mom was crying. I could feel the fear pulsing off of her in a way that was almost palpable, so I broke my own rule and I pressed my hand into hers. Her fingers curled in immediately and her head turned to me. Thank you, she prayed, and I squeezed her hand in response. 

I spent my entire life wanting a relationship with her, and the moment she got back I had to go and die. We were cursed. People always said that, other hunters, angels, demons. You Winchester’s are cursed. I never believed it, but I had started to. We were supposed to be Chuck’s favorites, but maybe there’s something not so good about being God’s favorite after all. 

I just hoped this baby didn’t get the curse. 

“Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Winchester,” the doctor said as she lifted a wailing baby out of my mother. “You have a son.”

Dean

I have a son.

I couldn’t begin to explain the feeling that washed over me when the words came out of the doctor. Son. I had one already, of course. But things with Jack were always a little complicated. I love him like he’s my own. Something felt different, though. With this baby I felt like I had a fresh start. He didn’t know anything I’ve done. To him I am just his father. I’m not the righteous man. I’m not a dark shadow, murderer, knight of hell, monster. 

I am just me. 

The nurse placed my son in my arms, and I felt how small he was. He was tiny and squirming, and I felt myself cry. I hadn’t loved anything this much since the first time I held Ella. There was nothing like it. 

And in a blink the lights were on. The darkness dissipated, and I knew she was with me. She was giving me a chance to see my son.

I couldn’t look away from him. He looked at me with hazy eyes, his face pink and swollen. His head was perfectly round, like an orange. His tiny fingers flexed for me, pin pricked with dimples. He looked a little like Sam when he was a baby, and I touched his tiny chin. It was the size of my thumb and the sight of it made my heart squeeze. “Ave he’s gorgeous.” I turned so she could see him, and she was crying. She was beautiful, even pale and her hair tucked away inside of a cap. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered quietly to her.

Her face flashed in recognition. “You can see me.”

“I’ve always been able to see you.”

I held our son against my chest, with my daughters hand pressed to my shoulder, and for the first time in my life, we were all together. Everything was perfect. “I don’t need eyes to see you Ava Winchester.” 

She smiled as I laid our son on her chest, near her face. As I leaned down to her and pressed my lips to her forehead everything went dark again, but this time it didn’t scare me. This time I didn’t feel empty, and I was sure that I would never feel empty and afraid again. 

------

A/N: 

I can't believe this day is finally here. I've been dragging my feet really badly, because this series is what made me want to write again. This show has pulled me out of my absolute darkest places, given me a beautiful new group of friends, and a purpose. I think I associated my joys with the show and my feelings toward it with this fic... so what happens when it's over? I'm not afraid of that anymore.  

Now I'm just enjoying a large coffee, and the bittersweet feeling of endings. Please yell at me anytime. I live for it. 

Love you all

Support my writing!

Get caught up!

Read part 3 on AO3 here

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[sturmxundxdrang]

2 0 1 9 ;

so, following what i did for 2016 and 2018, let me write a little recap of this year, and talk a little about the decade.

starting off by the goals i set last year:

“I hope to have at least intermediate German. I’m almost there, but not yet.” | i do feel like i got a lot better with my German, but i did leave it a little aside with all the college stuff i had this year. to be quite honest, i’m not even sure what’s my level right now.

“I’ll focus on the guitar, and won’t let my frustration burn me out.” | i did focus a lot more on the guitar! i started classes back again with my childhood teacher, and i felt like i did get better.

“Exercise more and get a better sleep schedule.” | well, failed on the exercising thing lol but my sleep schedule got better for the most part. i do slip and have bad weeks now and then, especially now during the holidays, but i felt that work helped me with that.

“Focus more on college, this last semester was very tough.” | i’m not even going to lie, i could’ve focused more.

“Do more things I usually wouldn’t, like going out to do something on my own, and hopefully being to drive by myself.” | driving is something i’m getting used to slowly, hopefully next year i get better. but i did do a lot of things on my own this year.

“Read & write more, or at least more than I did in 2018.” | i did read more! i was able to read some books that were on my list for a long time, and i have a bunch of books to read in 2020. i didn’t write as much, but got some poetry done.

“Watch more movies, strike a few from my list.” | a list with over 300 movies is terrifying lol i did watch more movies than last year, and i did go to the movies more often tho, but i think i focused more on series.

“Meet more people, go out more.” | i’d say i was pretty outgoing? i met new people, made more friends, went to a different city with a friend of mine, and of course, i went to a whole new country.

“Be more organized.” | i think i improved? but i do have to get better.

“Focus on my religion & study more, try to keep a consistent schedule and all that.” | see, this i did do! i followed my yearly calendar, learned a lot more. i didn’t study much, but religion-wise i’m improving.

“Find a hobby that will help me relax, something that I can do without pushing myself too much, because I frustrate myself a lot.” | i still wasn’t able to find something to focus on that doesn’t stress me out lmao but i will!

now... wow, what do i even say about this year? remember i said last year that this year would be even better? in my opinion, it was full on h e l l , but at the same time, it was amazing. i had many battles, a LOT of stress, heartbreak, disappointments, but, y’know what... i learned and i was happy a lot too. i can’t exactly remember much, this year was so fast but also took so long? it felt like two entire years in one. i can’t remember most of the first half, to be quite honest. i know i did something fun on my birthday and that it was good, but i can’t tell you what exactly. 

this entire year was about being on edge. i was scared for my life and my family a lot of times, i still am. if you follow politics and world news, you know brazil isn’t a very good place right now. it’s never been quite good, but it’s been way better than right now. i’ve argued a lot about politics, i cried a lot, i got stressed. i study law, politics is a big part of it, but even if it wasn’t... every single fucking thing is political. you can say it’s stupid, but if you don’t live in this country, you can’t tell me i’m a fool for being nervous. but as i’ve cried, i also learned to be numb about it, or just mad. it’s just one of those things you need to fight to change, and maybe one day we will.

this year was also about new experiences. i managed to go to a new city with a friend i wasn’t very close to but that trip was amazing. we saw amazing bands, i put us on the first row, we had such an amazing time. it was about singing in a studio for the first time when my guitar teacher decided he wanted me to be his band’s vocalist, and slowly get used to singing in front of other people. it was about being alone in a new country and finding my way to where i needed to be. about meeting my best friends and the city i hope to call home not far from now. about getting my heart broken by someone and having to learn how to deal with it. it was about confessing love, too, even if it wasn’t returned.

2019 took me a friend that last year i thought to be very important. and he was, truly. but sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life, and that’s fine. sometimes we never fully know someone despite knowing them for a very long time. but it was also the year that gave me three new friends that became a huge part of my life (for the boys Soto, Cam and Wyn, i’m grateful that 2019 brought us together) and that i hope stays in my life for a long time. sometimes it is like that, you lose someone but the universe has a way of gifting you with better people. it was like this in 2018 too.

2019 also ended on a great note for me. it had been 4 years without contact with someone that used to be my best friend, but december brought him back into my life, and not only that but he also gave me my first tattoo that is full of meanings.  it was the year my faith got stronger and that i recognized someone that has been there for me for a long time, and that i now know that i should trust. it’s been a year full of roller coasters and feeling high and then low, and i’m not going to lie, some of these last few weeks of the year hurt like fucking hell because of this one guy, but i learned to trust my gods and know that i can’t always control everything. what is mine is waiting for me.

this year changed my self-esteem, and i thank my goddess for that. i went from panic attacks because nothing looked good on me into crying of joy because all of the three options for nye look so good on me that i can’t decide which one i’ll wear - it seems silly, but it meant a lot to me. my confidence with my english also is growing, i rarely ever speak but berlin with the band helped me a lot and i was even able to be on the phone with Lily for an entire hour (and she knows damn well how i was about small audio messages, this was huge improvement for me).

this was the year i finally stepped foot on the city i am absolutely sure i belong to. walking those streets finally felt like home, and the gods know how much i longed for a place like that. it was the feeling of being home, with the three girls that 2018 gifted me as a family, and just exploring places we’ll soon know like the palm of our hands. i can’t wait to walk through those museums again knowing we have enough time, we’re not going anywhere anymore, there’s no flight to catch in a few days.

i have so much to be grateful for: my friends, my family, my gods and goddesses, everyone that stuck around and helped me grow. this was such a crazy journey but it’s nice to see how much i changed, hopefully for the best. i learned, and am still learning, to accept parts of myself i would usually ignore, and sides i was ashamed to show. 

i wish i could remember much more, but my memory isn’t really known as the best. who knows, next year i might try to log my months so 31. dec, 2020 will be easier to write this thing. 

all in all, it was a bittersweet year. i’m glad it’s over, and i’m ready to start again, write those chapters and keep on taking control of my own history. next year will be hard. college will probably not be very nice on me, but we’ll keep on going. if i made it through 21 years of my life, i can make it through another one.

now... i don’t know what to say about the decade. i came in as an 11 year old kid that wanted the world, and i left as an adult that knows that i deserve the world. i met many people that i don’t talk to anymore but that remains as important to me as they were back then. i made so many friends from places i’d never dream of, i learned so much about the world just through a screen in a way my parent’s wouldn’t have dreamed of at my age, i changed so much. i remember in 2010 when i met the dude that gave me a gift: the band that saved my life and that gave me the best friends i could have asked for. he was in my life for a very short time but he means a lot still. 2011 when i first learned about straight edge, and got back into wrestling. 2012 was when i got my first guitar, the gift i wanted for a very long time. 2013 was when i finally decided to share what i wrote with the internet. 2014 i met one of the wrestlers i admired the most. 2015 i finished high school, my personal hell that i finally was over with and also when i first heard about what would become my religion. 2016 i saw my favorite band for the first time, and when i  started Law school. 2017 was when i met Lily, and also when i cut off a very toxic friendship, i was finally learning that i deserved better. 2018, another toxic friendship gone, but also the year that the gods brought me my beloved bandmates. and 2019: the year i had one of my biggest dreams coming true. and you know what? i’m sure my 11 yo self would be proud of the person i am right now.

may 2020 and the next decade make more of my dreams come through, may i end the next decade living safely in the place i want to be in, with my family in a good place as well. i hope next year will be better.

and to not break the traditions, some goals:

be able to play the guitar in front of other people

get my German better

maybe get started with the piano

try to write more poetry and maybe finish a book

write more song lyrics for RH

keep the project going with my local band

do more things by myself

read more books

be more organized and maybe learn to follow a schedule

dedicate myself more to my religion & my craft

start the process of moving out

get a side job 

be nicer and more patient 

be more disciplined

save more money

find that hobby!!

well, there’s a lot more than last year, but here’s to a better year, a better decade, filled with success and accomplishments. i’m very grateful for all of the experiences i had so far.

[fearsfelt-blog]

beep beep, heeeere’s bobby as penned & loved by kat ! take a look under the cut for his super snazzy intro and more 

[ cismale, he/him, jacob elordi, twenty-two ] there goes ROBERT KEENE walking down center street ! i can’t believe they’ve been living in derry for TWENTY-TWO YEARS. last i’ve heard, they’re AWARE of the existence of pennywise. i wonder if BOBBY is going to stay and fight or watch the town burn to the ground. perhaps it’s because HE reminds me of SINKING MELANCHOLIA FEEDING NOSTALGIA, DEEP PURPLE ON REPEAT, A PLATE OF HOMEMADE CHERRY PIE, but i think they might FLEE. either way, they’ll never be the same after this year. [ kat, she/her, 21, gmt, n/a ]

listen . . my creepy smol 6′3′’ and a bit tall child, i could ramble on for ages but i’m trying to stay focused. anyway, let’s start!

background -

true it stans probably already recognised his last name: keene ! as in norbert keene, the guy with big glasses who works as a pharmacist at the center street drug store and i’m pretty sure he owns it in the movie version so i guess i’ll go with that ! yup, mr. keene is his grandpa, still kicking it but he can’t really work anymore cause of old age so who does the job? ding ding, bobby here to help. 

now that makes greta keene, legend to call bev a ‘little shit’ and a ‘slut’ in the same breath, his mama! (FUN FACT: in the book she died at age 18 bc of drugs and booze and a car accident but in the movie she remained unsuccesful in life doing her father’s job at the drug store). greta might have peed rose water in high school and lived a great life in a pretty house, but instead of making it out of town and into a good college, she stayed. first, doing plenty of assistant jobs, shady jobs at the side. briefly, life started to look grand bc she started an affair with her boss, a well known attorney at the law firm she was working at, but things came to a quick end when she got pregnant at nineteen. his father, 25 at the time, didn’t love that, broke it off and well . . greta got fired and paid off to please keep quiet and raise the child on her own. thankfully, the keenes aren’t poor and were able to keep up a good life standard for their daughter. during the first years of bobby’s life, his mum was a good stay at home mum, really bored and cranky, but she at least loved the little bug. 

so he was raised by his mum at his grandparents house, a good house, a decent house, but not perfect. when bobby was put into kindergarten, his mum started looking for jobs again, eventually ending up as a waitress making poor money and choices, then as the right hand of her father as the drug store. surely not the life she ever wanted for herself. that was only the start of her manners growing frozen, cold, bored to death with no goals.

bobby had a relatively normal childhood despite his mother’s many adventures. he’s always been on the quiet side, a sensitive child who feels things that aren’t there to others. call it a presence, intrusive thoughts or simply tingly senses of something dark about to grow. though his interest in other kids , playing with them , never really developed. he was fully invested in what his mama called creep stuff, playing in the dirt, analysing roadkill, asking questions only an adult would ask. that kind of behaviour continued into middle school.

at the age of six, he got a younger sibling, yay ! not another baby tho, no, a three year old, the daughter of his mother’s best high school friends who had just passed away in a tragic manner. greta and the keenes took in her little girl and ever since then, bobby slowly started to grow to like company. he feels very strongly about his sister, despite not really feeling strongly about anyone ever.

around that time, the visions started: he sees, what it does. what it wants to do, wants to do with him, wants him to do. in a way he’s sort of the herald of clown, a bit of a vessel and before he knew what was going on, he thought he was a psychic or some kind of stuff. though already being a bit on the wacky side, he’ll eventually have to ask himself if the base of wanting to hurt people hasn’t always been there and derry’s famous presence isn’t just encouraging him. think dexter’s dark passenger ! that’s what it feels like.

during his second year of high school, grandma keene died, rip that good old woman ! he was sad to lose a constant in his life and things seemed to be shaken up a bit at home, as the sadness impacted everyone in a different way: his mum started going out again more, meeting shady men at shady bars, growing more and more distant from her kids. his grandpa, however, no matter how cynical or weird people found him, remained good with the kids. he’s taught bobby a lot of norms and morals of society he just never quite . . understood.

this guy wasn’t mr. popular in high school, think somewhat of a jughead jones type. he’s weird, he’s a weirdo, he doesn’t fit --- BUT have u seen his face?? pretty. so he always got a lot of attention from the girlies, even though it never really interested him beyond surface level. in fact, he ditched his prom date to go to burger king a town away with his best friends.

he graduated, decided to take over his grandpa’s position as a pharmacist and is now an apprentice learning as much as he can, y’know it’s not exactly his dream job but it’s fun and he gets a lot of the town gossip, which is a bonus. 

on the side, he’s already planning his escape, drawing pictures at night of things he’s seen that could be the clown. the most re-occuring one: a weeping bride, all black and muddy with rotten flesh, crying and asking for her husband and son. the stories of pennywise came to him during a tale of his grandpa, who’s been around for way longer and some final research on whether that could be. bobby’s often re-visiting places of brutal happenings in the dark, trying to make his tingly senses pick up anything. though 6′3′’, that boy is a little scaredy cat and will flee.

personality -

like i said, think jughead jones, john cleaver from i am not a serial killer or dexter morgan

he’s a scorpio sun with a virgo moon ! very distanced with emotions, analytical

a bisexual legend, sort of closeted as it’s a small town, but ! who writes straight charas in 2019

tw /// has a history of self harm, inflicted to distract him from bad thoughts

loves loves working out, obviously, bc it helps him channel his emotions and distracts him

is looking to move out but doesn’t want to leave his sister behind

doesn’t get if u flirt with him

how to win his heart? vintage music, homemade food, pie !!

i know that was semi long but i have soo much more i could write down regarding his family dynamics, darker self, etc, but maybe a bio? will come? stay tuned. anyway if u read all this ur braver than the us marines ! like this to plot and i’ll hit u up baby beans. or slide into my dms haha and then what.  BTW i already have wanted plots here and stats here.

[nimarasnetherworld]

Vampire Deetz part 7

Here’s the next part of my Vampire AU (co-written by the amazing @blossem12)

You can read this par tand all the other here on Ao3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18820957/chapters/45893974

Summary of part 7 :  Lydia finds out that Delia knows the truth. And Charles learns an upsetting news.

**********************

“Come on Lydia it could be fun!”

Delia was once again back at the Deetz house. Well she had actually spent the night here but the teenager didn’t need to know that. But even with knowing the truth about her, the life coach was having a hard time connecting with the young vampire. Plus keeping her relationship with Charles secret was actually harder than she thought it would be. And Lydia still didn’t know that she actually knew that they weren’t mortal. But anyway, she had to do her job so she tried a little bit harder each day.

“I don’t like shopping.” Said Lydia without any emotion in her voice.

Ugh. What has she done to deserver Lydia’s hatred? But she kept on smiling and tried something else.

“What about going to the beach! We could swim and tan! Well no! Of course, since you and your dad are vampires you probably can’t go to the beach you would just burn…” Delia stopped herself, covering her mouth with her hand.

“You know about us.” Whispered Lydia slowly getting up.

“Lydia… I….” she stood up too. “Yes. Your father told me one night…”

“He told you!”

The teen let out a dry laugh. The air in the room suddenly changed. Delia wanted to flee. But she could leave Lydia like that. It was her fault after all. She should have been more careful about what she was saying. This kind of thing always seemed to happen to her.

The vampire turned toward her life coach in anger. Her fangs were out and her hands and eyes were slightly glowing. And indication that her powers were manifesting. It could become dangerous very quickly for anyone in the room.

“I can’t believe he told you! And you two think you are discreet? I know that you spent the night here! I know that you two are together! I’m not stupid! I can’t believe dad forgot about mom that easily!”

“Lydia he…”

“No! You’re just here to replace mom! But I want my mom no one else! Why does no one understand?” Screamed Lydia her powers starting to grown stronger.

“My goal is to help you, not to replace your mom! Lydia please….” But she was interrupted by the teen.

“You’re a mortal! You have nothing to do in our world! People like you killed my mom!” her hands were glowing brighter every passing second, her control slowly slipping away.

“I promise I’m never going to hurt you or your dad” Delia said trying to reason with the young vampire.

“Why does everyone keeps making promises since mom died! “I promise it’s going to be okay”, “I promise you’re going to be fine», «I promise it’s going tot get better with time”! Why?”, tears were now streaming down her face as she screamed, “Why isn’t it getting better?!”

Suddenly, as Delia opened her mouth in an attempt to calm the young vampire, she felt as if someone was squeezing her throat. She couldn’t breath anymore. She looked up at Lydia, trying to pry the invisible hands away from her throat. The teenager looked as frightened as she was. Her powers completely out of control. The life coach fell on her knees, dark spots dancing in front of her eyes. She was going to die. Just as she was about to pass out, the door flew open.

“What is happening here? Lydia! You need to calm down!”

But the voice seemed so far away. There was a sudden flash of light as Delia’s world went dark.

********************

Charles was sitting in a chair. His head in his hands. Lydia’s powers were getting stronger. She was powerful and that was terrifying. Because a powerful vampire was always an interesting target for vampire hunters. A price. But it was also terrifying because when his daughter loses control of her powers, terrible thing could happen. He looked up to stare at Delia’s inanimate form lying on the bed. For a moment he had thought that Lydia had killed her. But the slow rise and fall of her chest indicated that she was still breathing. That she was still alive.

It had been a scary thing for everyone. For Delia she had almost died, for him he had thought his daughter would just never get her powers back under control and that he had lost the woman he loved. Again. And for Lydia… Well, the teen had locked herself in the attic after that. Frightened by her own powers and the lack of control she had over them.

Charles sighed. Was it ever going to get better?

“Charles…”

The man immediately got up. Running to Delia’s side. Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked a few times before her gaze settled on him.

“Yes sweetheart, it’s me.” He took her hand in his, brushing a strand of hair off her face. “How do you feel?”

“Weird.”

Charles helped her to sit up before asking her, “Do you remember what happened?”

Delia frowned. Trying to concentrate.

“Well, I was with Lydia. We were talking and…. She found out I knew you were vampires and she got mad.”, she turned toward Charles, “I tried to calm her down but she lost control of her powers and then I couldn’t breathe. Then the next thing I remember is waking up here.” Her eyes suddenly went wide, her hand flying to the side of her neck.

“You… You didn’t bite me, right?”

“No. Of course not. Luckily I didn’t have to.” The vampire exclaimed sitting next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I’m so sorry about what happened.”

“No,” interrupted Delia, “It’s my fault, I should have been more careful about what I said. Well at least now we’re all on the same book.”

Charles chuckled at the misused idiom. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

He leaned to capture her lips into a kiss. Delia wrapped her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. Totally lost in each other, the couple sprung apart at the sound of someone clearing their throat. Lydia was standing in the doorway, looking slightly disgusted.

“I just wanted to say that… I’m sorry.” The young vampire walked closer to the bed, “I’m sorry I lost control Delia. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

The life coach smiled, “Don’t worry Lydia. I’m not mad at you. We’re all fine and that’s what matters.”

The phone ranged.

“I’m going to get it.” Charles said, leaving the girls alone.

He quickly made his way downstairs and picked up the phone.

“Hello.”

“Hi Charles. It’s Maxie.”

Charles frowned, it was unusual for Maxie to call him this late and even weirder that the man didn’t used any stupid nicknames.

“Hello Maxie. Can I do something for you?”

The blood supplier sighed. On the other side of the line.

“Listen Charles. The council just held an emergency meeting.”

Charles tensed. The council hadn’t had a regular meeting in years. Why would they need to have an emergency meeting now?

“Last week twenty-three vampires were killed across the country. Eight of them were located in the New York area. The vampire hunters are becoming a real threat.”

“And what did the council said?” asked Charles, feeling that Maxie hadn’t call him to just tell him that.

“You’re not going to like it. The council reminded everyone to be careful and if possible, avoid any “hunters’ area” but they also declared that all vampires living in the New York area would have relocate as soon as possible.”

Charles was speechless. It couldn’t be possible.

“But… But Maxie! I have my all life here. We can’t just leave.”

“I’m sorry Chuck but that’s a mandatory relocation. If you don’t and anything happens to you the council will not help.”

After a small silence Maxie spoke once again.

“Listen Charles. You know better than anyone how dangerous the hunters can be. Think about your daughter. There are some other nice places where you could live. Connecticut is the only state where hunters haven’t been active recently. I’m sure you could find a nice house there.”

Charles was dumbfounded. They had to leave their house. The house He and Emily had built a life in. the house where Lydia grew up. But what Maxie had said was true. He had to protect his daughter. He sighed.

“How long do we have?”

“The council gives you two weeks. I know you will be fine Charles. I have to go. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye Maxie. Thank you for telling me.”

“No problem Chuck” and the line went dead.

Charles looked around. His heart broke at the idea of living everything behind. And Delia. What would he tell her? He had finally start to fully accept his feeling for her without feeling guilty regarding Emily and he had to left her behind?

As he arrives at the top of the stairs, he could hear Lydia’s voice,

“I’ll agree about wearing one of your stupid crystals, as long as it’s black, but yoga is a definite no!”

Charles leaned in the doorway. Looking at them silently. But Delia noticed his presence almost immediately.

“Charles? Are you ok? You look sad.”

The vampire sighed and went to sit next to them.

“It was Maxie. The council had an emergency meeting today.”

“What’s “the council”?” asked Delia confused.

“They’re a small number of vampires designated to help and kind of regulate all vampires and their activity in America.” Charles explained before continuing, “Last week eight vampires were killed by hunters in New York and the council declared that every vampire living in New York had to relocate.”

The silence following his statement was almost deafening.

“Wait. That mean we have to move?” his daughter asked with wide eyes

“I’m afraid so. Connecticut is the only state where there were no recent attacks, we could find a nice house here.”

“But dad. I’ve lived all my life here! We can’t just leave! What about mom? She loved this house! Dad please!”

Charles shook his head.

“I’m sorry Lydia. We need the councils’ protection. And I need to protect you! Please try to understand.”

Lydia slowly got up.

“How long do we have?”

“the council gave us two weeks.”

Lydia immediately sat back down. Two weeks to say goodbye to everything she had ever known. To all the memories she had made in this place. But she knew they had no choice. The hunters were dangerous. She looked at her father and slowly nod.

“So, you’re really leaving?” she had been so quiet, Lydia had almost forgotten that Delia was still here.

“I’m afraid we are.” Her dad answers with a sad smile.

Delia and Charles looked so heartbroken that Lydia felt pity for them. As weird and as disgusting as it was, they were in love and her dad seemed so much happier since Delia had come into their life. Sure, she was kind of a pain but…

“Come with us.” The words were out before she could stop them. Both adults looked at her in shock. “I mean, we could by a house big enough for the three of us and… Well, if you and dad break up, at least we’d have fresh blood.”

“Lydia!” reprimanded Charles. “But it’s actually not a bad idea. What do you say Delia, do you want to come with us?”

Delia was looking at them with wide eyes, “Do you really mean it?”

The vampires looked at each other before nodding. “We do.”

“Well… uh… I mean” the redhead took a deep breath, “I have nothing here except you two so. Why not!”

Charles had never felt so happy since Emily’s death. Delia was willing to go live with them!

“Okay before you two decide to make out again, I’m going to start packing!”

Lydia quickly transformed into a bat a flew away.

“I think I’m never going to get used to that.” Muttered Delia.

Charles let out a small laugh before pressing his lips against hers.

“But I could get used to that.” Said Delia against his lips as he kissed her one more time.

[thebeautifulgame7]

Reputation

CHAPTER INDEX

CHAPTER EIGHT

Iris’s POV:

I had taken the last month to think and decide for myself what I really wanted. Sergio and I had shared a very long, very passionate kiss in my office weeks ago and it messed with my head. What got me the most was that I kissed him back, completely and fully. I can’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy it, because I did, very much. That kiss became problematic very quickly though, and Joey could sense something was off.

I never told him about it and he never asked, but I think he knew. Sergio and I continued our wedding duties without much of a hitch. I did, however, notice the looks he would give me and the slight touches he would fit in. These were welcomed of course, but never reciprocated. We didn’t hold hands, and we didn’t kiss again. That make out session in my office answered all his questions for now.

Sergio knew there was something between us, and as much as I wanted to deny it, I knew it too. I was just far from ready for the whirlwind that I was positive would accompany dating him. But that smile, that genuine one he would show when someone actually made him laugh, it was gorgeous. To be the one who caused that smile was even better. It wasn’t the same as the one he would give when prompted to smile by photographers, rather this one reached his eyes, causing smile wrinkles to form and all his teeth to show.

“Iris, what are you thinking for the late summer release? Are we going with the lighter shades or the darker ones?” My attention was pulled from Sergio’s smile to the board meeting I was currently in.

I cleared my throat and reviewed my notes briefly. “While the lighter shades may initially sell quicker, I think we’ll find that the darker shade line has staying power because a lot of the pieces work for fall as well.” I answered, scanning the conference table for responses. Everyone seemed to be in agreement with my decision.

“Very well, the darker range it is, Iris, in the future please keep you mind on the task at hand.” My boss lightly scolded me before returning to the other topics for discussion in the meeting. I blushed, slightly embarrassed and trying my best to stay focused.

Lately that was a task growing in difficulty. Even when I tried to focus, my mind would drift to Sergio. It didn’t seem to matter where I was, he was there, flooding my mind. Yeah, I had it bad and I knew it; but there’s a BIG difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy Sergio wasn’t problematic at all, he didn’t have a reputation, he came home every night without fail, he stayed out of the tabloids and lived a quiet life.

Fantasy Sergio was someone that real Sergio wasn’t, someone he could never be. His job wouldn’t allow it and I had to respect that with him, came the media attention and scrutiny. How did he handle that kind of pressure and attention? Would I even be able to deal with it? Not to mention the constant worry that the next magazine would run a story about him cheating and I would be left questioning its validity.

I knew I had to dump Joey, but I had no idea how to handle my Sergio situation. The biggest problem with the Sergio thing was that, while I knew he had a name for himself with women, I also knew the other side of him. I saw the UNICEF ambassador, the passionate Spaniard, and the devoted son and brother that he was. He wasn’t all bad, but I knew we would have our problems and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

He had a lot of what I wanted in a man, but then again, he was also very different from previous guys. Sergio shined on his own, he had attention and lots of it. I was used to being the one in the spotlight, I was on the rise in the fashion world, Elle Spain even did an interview with me a few weeks back. Can two people be in the spotlight like that and not grow to have it become a competition? Surely there was a way, but I was competitive, and it was written into Sergio’s job description to be that way as well.

I know I was probably overreacting and overthinking this but I couldn’t help it. My next moves in life were rapidly becoming more and more important. I had to make sure I made the right ones. Dating a celebrity had its perks but those could be short lived and could crash and burn if the split is bad.

I am getting so ahead of myself, we aren’t even together and here I was planning our first fights and eventual break up. How could I even be sure this was all that he wanted? I wasn’t and it was scary. I had grown to enjoy his company and the thought of losing it completely, not to mention the strain it could put on Lia and Iker if we did do this and it ended poorly. Who knew relationships could be this difficult before they even started?

***

I felt my heart race as I entered the flat I shared with Joey. Tonight was the night, I had to end it, for a lot of reasons, some having nothing to do with Sergio. I would be lying however if I said it had nothing to do with him. It wasn’t like I was leaving Joey for Sergio, not yet anyways, but Sergio had opened my eyes about how I deserve to be treated and Joey was no longer doing that.

I was tired of fighting with him about every little thing. Lately he had grown very suspicious of how late my hours were, I assured him I was just doing wedding stuff. He knew I was with Sergio, but he wasn’t aware of how much of that time was us two alone.

He would accuse me of cheating when I came home late, and this was before Sergio and I kissed in my office. I couldn’t be around someone that made me feel like every move I made was going to be questioned. I’ve tried fixing things with him and I feel like I can’t do much more.

With his job getting so stressful and my career taking off, he had stopped rooting for me. I didn’t feel like we were a team anymore, ready to take on the world. Instead, I felt like I couldn’t share my successes with him, I was more excited to text Sergio about them.

When I entered the apartment, it was quiet. I sighed heavily and set my keys and purse down on the console table by the door. I made my way towards the shared bedroom to find Joey on the bed, absorbed with whatever he was looking at on his phone.

“Hey.” He said quietly, glancing up at me. “How was work?” He asked, getting up from the bed and making his way towards me.

“It was fine, just meetings today.” I answered. “Look, uh, can we talk?” I added and Joey stopped in his tracks, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Yeah, what about?” He asked, curious more than anything else.

“Us.” I stated, mad that I couldn’t just spit it out already. I saw him look confused and as he went to speak I interrupted, “Joey, I think I need to break up with you.”

Joey’s eyes went wide and he slowly moved to sit down on the bed. “Uh, well, this is a shock.” He simply said. Not the reaction I was expecting.

“I think it’s time, I’m tired of fighting and I just don’t wanna fix this anymore.” I stated, folding my arms and looking down a little.

“This is about that footballer isn’t it? You fucked him didn’t you?” Joey’s mood suddenly shifted and glared at me angrily. “I should’ve known, I’ve seen how he looks at you and really the best man and maid of honor really need to spend this much time together?” He spat.

“Joey that’s not it at all, and I’m so sick of you dancing around the idea that you think I’m being unfaithful!” I raised my voice at him. This wasn’t the first time he thought Sergio and I were sleeping together.

“You really expect me to believe that when you haven’t wanted anything to do with me sexually in over a month? You’re getting it from someone else Iris!” He yelled back, standing back up.

“It’s because you don’t make me feel wanted Joey and it wasn’t as satisfying! It’s hard to want to sleep with you when you can’t even acknowledge me outside of the bedroom!” I answered. “I’m not cheating, I just stopped wanting to have sex with a man who is too insecure to be proud of his girlfriend’s successes!” I added, standing up for myself.

“Oh come on Iris you know I care about you and your career. I’m proud of what you’ve achieved.” He tried to save face with this comment but I wasn’t having any of it.

“Really? When was the last time you told me that? I can’t even share stories anymore because I don’t get a reaction out you beyond a half-assed ‘good job babe’. You just patronize me!” I answered, looking at him, my arms still folded. “I feel like it’s a competition and one I’m not allowed to win.” I added.

“Fine, I’m a sexist asshole, it’s all my fault then! My girlfriend is more successful and I can’t handle that! Do you know the kind of shit I get because I’m second to you in this relationship. I’m the man I should be given some power and I feel like I have none.” Joey responded.

I looked at him incredulously, “Joseph, it’s not a competition, we’re supposed to be a team. Your goal should not be to have power over me, and honestly if that’s your motivation then we really need to end this.” I spoke, calmer now that the yelling had stopped.

“Iris you can’t just go. We’re good together, I’ll try harder.” Joey’s face turned to a more concerned expression.

“Joey I need to, it’s time.” I answered, my voice growing weak as some tears stung my eyes. I didn’t want to break up, but I had to. It was what the right move was, it had to be. This was growing exhausting.

“I get it, you want him. I don’t compare.” He resigned himself and looked down.

“Joey this isn’t about Sergio why are you so convinced I’m leaving you for him?” I asked, I knew in a way I was leaving Joey for him, but I could never tell him that.

“Because Iris, ever since he came around, you’re distant.” Joey started.

“Oh and you’re so attentive Joey.” I spat back, growing tired of this whole situation. “You haven’t been the sweet, kind man I fell in love with for a long time. Sergio had nothing to do with that.”

“He has something to do with this just admit it.” Joey said back, narrowing his gaze and stepping closer to me. I was not going to be intimidated by him.

“Fine you wanna know what he has to do with this? Since you won’t leave me alone and you’re just SO convinced he has got a hand in this!” I yelled back as we came close and face to face.

“Yeah tell me.” He spoke in a startlingly calm tone.

“He cares about my success, and he’s so happy when I tell him how well my career is going, because unlike you he’s secure in his masculinity and understands how to support people without it becoming a toxic competition, unlike you. He’s opened my eyes to how I deserve to be treated” I retorted, folding my arms.

Joey took a step back and rubbed his face, pacing slightly. He stopped suddenly and looked at me, “You know it’s because he wants to fuck you right?” He said calmly. I went to speak but he started up again, “I can’t believe you could be so blind, you’re really going to be that dumb and leave me over him? Iris, he’s a rich, single footballer at the height of his career, what makes you think he would want anything to do with you? You know, besides a quick fuck. He could have anyone he wanted any night of the week, so why the hell would he ever wanna date you.” He added, and I felt my throat tighten. The way Joey could so easily say these things crushed me.

The worst part of it all, he could be right. Why would Sergio Ramos of Real Madrid want anything to do with some nameless designer? He could have anyone, an actress, a model, a princess even, so why me. I had to swallow the tears that dared to fall. I couldn’t give Joey the satisfaction that he got to me like this.

“You want that asshole, go ahead, but I won’t be waiting around the morning after.” He growled and went back to the bed, pulling out his phone.

“Get out.” I said softly, looking down at the ground as I collected myself and calmed down.

“Huh?” He looked up from his phone and sat up slightly.

“You heard me Joey.” I looked up at him now. “I said get out. Pack your things, I want you out by tomorrow morning.” I added.

“Iris you have got to be joking.” He laughed at the situation, not moving from the bed.

“Joey, we are over, this is me breaking up with you. I don’t know how to make it anymore clear than that. I don’t care where you go, but I do not want you here anymore. We’re done.” I said in a stern tone and turned to leave.

“And where are you going?” He yelled back to me.

I turned in the door frame and looked at him. “I’m leaving for the night, do not be here when I get back tomorrow.” I firmly spoke, not allowing him a chance to intimidate me.

A smirk spread across his face, “Wow you move quick.” He teased, insinuating that I was going to see Sergio.

“Whether or not I go there tonight is no longer any of your business.” I answered calmly and walked off.

***

Sergio’s POV:

“Do I have quite the night planned for us, Ana.” I flirted, taking the girl in my doorway into my arms, a passionate kiss following.

“I hope so, I don’t come running late at night for just anyone, Sergio.” She teased, her hands running up and down my chest.

“Well, I’ll be sure to make it worth your while.” I flirted and leaned in for another deep kiss, pulling Ana inside and closing the door behind us. She was one of many I kept in my phone for nights when I needed a little fun. I certainly wasn’t going to get it from Iris anytime soon. This just gave me more time to practice, or at least that’s what I told myself.

Ana was good fun, she always was. I pressed her up against the wall of the entryway, not wasting anymore time. “You wanna take this upstairs?” I asked as I pressed kisses into her neck, my hands wandering under her shirt.

“I was hoping you’d ask that.” Ana smiled and jumped into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist.

I quickly carried her up to my bedroom, both of us crashing onto my bed. I quickly picked up where I left off, busying myself with marking her neck as my hands wandered to unbutton her pants.

Ana moved her hand to my pants, dipping one inside to rub me through my boxers. I paused, helping her remove her shirt before we both went back to what we were doing. I guided Ana’s hand to reach inside my boxers this time, wanting more friction.

“Someone’s needy tonight.” She teased me as I continually kissed her neck, my hand sliding inside her panties. I laughed at her comment before responding.

“I want you so bad Iris.” I said, immediately realizing my mistake.

“Iris?” Ana asked, removing her hand from my pants and glaring at me.

I stopped and looked at her, “Fuck I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean that.” I honestly felt bad about my slip of the tongue. “I don’t know where that came from.” I added hoping she would forgive me. I really didn’t want to have to call another girl tonight.

Ana glared another second before laughing it off, “I’m not mad, I think a third person involved would be hot.” She winked and I felt my mouth water at the thought.

“Well I will definitely keep that in mind for next time then.” I smirked and winked before she pulled me down for a messy kiss. Thank god Ana didn’t care about my mistake.

***

I was about to get her and myself out of the rest of our clothes when I heard my phone ring. “Fuck” I moaned against Ana, her nails dragging down my back. “I should get that, when it’s this late it’s usually my agent or a teammate with something important.” I said and got up from the bed.

“Take your important call you sexy thing.” She yelled as I moved to the next room in just my boxers.

“Hello?” I spoke into the receiver.

“Sergio, hey I didn’t wake you did I?” Iris’s voice answered and I couldn’t help the smile that was now on my face.

“No, no not at all.” I answered, leaning against the wall.

“I’m not interrupting anything right?” She asked and I laughed lightly.

“No, you’re fine.” I lied, she didn’t need to know what I was getting up to right now. “Did you need something?” I asked.

“Uh yeah actually, Lia’s busy right now I need a place to go, could I come over? I promise I’ll explain, just please can I crash at yours for the night?” She asked, practically pleading with me, not that she needed to.

“Uh yeah of course, I just gotta be out a little early for training tomorrow. How far away are you?” I asked, panicking slightly about how I was going to get Ana out without her seeing.

“Like maybe ten minutes.” Iris answered and sighed in relief.

“Alright I’ll see you soon, let me just text you my gate code so you can park in the driveway.” I responded, smiling at the thought of seeing her again.

“Okay great I’ll see you in a few.” She happily spoke before we said our goodbyes and hung up.

I walked back into my room to find Ana naked and waiting. I silently cursed that I was going to be missing out on some great sex with her tonight, but Iris was more important. If she needed a place to stay then it was serious.

“You are gonna hate me.” I gave her a sad smile. “But I need you to go home, something came up and my agent and I need to speak.” I explained, lying through my teeth.

“Aww no, you’re kidding.” She frowned, sitting up. “You’re sure we can’t have a little fun before he gets here?” She offered, walking over, wrapping her arms around my neck and giving me a kiss.

I rested my hands on her hips, “I wish we could, but I have to look at some paperwork he’s sent over before he gets here and I would hate to cut our time short.” I sighed, rubbing her hip. As much as I didn’t wanna say no, ten minutes was not going to be enough time.

“Well I think it’s hot to see your business side. We’ll get together soon okay? When that stress needs to be relieved call me. You look strained baby, don’t forget to relax.” She flirted, kissing me one more time.

“I will, and when I find some time to relieve stress, you will be the first one I call.” I winked, kissing her once more before she released me and moved to put her clothes on.

Within five minutes, Ana had left and I was able to throw some clothes on before Iris arrived.

[atakportal]

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Here are some words people used to use to describe me: Soft. Doughy. Thick. Pudgy. Chubby. Chunky. Fluffy.

…but no matter how hard I trained or how well I ate, I could never seem to get from being in “good” shape to having the body I wanted.

I could never achieve that lean, ripped, dense look I saw in the magazines.

And I could never figure out why. I felt like I was doing everything right. My diet was in order. I hit the gym consistently. I even took the right supplements.

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This went on for about two years.

One day, I came across a study linking something called insulin resistance to regional fat storage. SPECIFICALLY, the study said that people with “poor insulin management” tended to store fat…in their LOVE HANDLES.

This was exactly my problem. Even though I could get lean almost everywhere else, I still had tons of flub on my waistline and lower back.

I began to think could it really be insulin that was keeping me soft?

And if it was how could other hormones affect fat loss? Or muscle gain? Or fitness in general!?

That was when my quest began.

I made it my goal to learn everything I could about hormones, regional fat storage, and how your basic endocrinology is PREVENTING YOU from losing those few pounds of fat.

I read studies, and books. I came up with new training methods and tried them on all of my clients. I tested and re-tested things.

Eventually, I came up with a system that I believed would completely FIX all of these issues.

With summer coming up, there was only one thing to do: test it.

Believe me: to this DAY it’s still unreal to me that I could ever look like that. But I did. And I do.

And so can you, if you do what I did: harness the power of your hormones. Follow a program that FORCES your body to burn fat instead of trying to store it.

But don’t take my word for it! Because, really, it’s not just me that the program worked for. Just ask any of my clients, who have all done the “impossible”….

I would absolutely recommend working with Roman to anyone and everyone. It’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made, and I promise you will not regret it.

As soon as I got my hands on the program, I was anxious to hit the gym and get my fat Loss progress back on track. And guess what? It worked like magic.

Everything about my body is completely different.

My clients get exceptional results. But the truth is, they’re not “exceptional” specimens, in the pure physical sense.

They have the same limitations you do. They have jobs, and families, and trouble spots. They’re limited by time and genetics and physiology. And yet they STILL get amazing results.

Which means that you can, too.

Anytime I start talking about my clients and the amazing success they’ve achieved, I always want to be clear and say that what sets my clients apart is not working “harder”…it’s working smarter.

You see, my clients don’t just train to “burn fat” or “build muscle.” They don’t just train to be “in shape.” My clients follow a strategic plan designed for the express purpose of obtaining their OMEGA bodies.

Speaking in strict linguistic terms Omega—styled as “Ω” is the 24th and final letter of the Greek alphabet.

In literature and other artistic representations, Omega is used to denote the last, final, complete, or ultimate limit of a set of object, concepts or principles. (This is in contrast to “Alpha”, which represents the beginning.)

I’ve always loved the general symbolism of that. To me—and my clients—the Omega body is the final body; the finished body.

Your Omega body is exactly that: your final form. It’s the body you have in your most developed, fittest state.

You’ve reached Omega Status when you’ve built all the muscle you want, and have stripped away the last bits of excess fat to reveal the lean, hard, sexy definition underneath.

THAT is your Omega body. And that is exactly what I’m going to help you achieve. To do that, let’s look at why getting it is so hard…why so many people just keep spinning their wheels and NEVER get that Omega Body they’re after.

As I see it, it comes down to three main problems…

You’ve tried everything. Bodybuilding splits, CrossFit, more cardio, less cardio and yet nothing seems to work.

I feel your pain…and I want you to know it’s not your fault. The amount of misinformation and confusion makes it very difficult for someone to stay consistent and actually find something that works.

For example, let’s look at your typical bodybuilding split: you’ve got Chest on Monday, Back on Tuesday, Shoulders on Wednesday etc…

Now, I love those programs. They’re fun. And they’re great for building size. But they ARE NOT optimal for fat loss—especially those last few pounds.

And yet, whenever I go a gym, I see men and women doing these outdated splits in an effort to get lean!

If you only train a body part once a week you risk the potential to build quality muscle and shed fat. Doing one muscle group on Monday and waiting until the following week is only going to slow down your progress. The overall volume is too low and because the focus tends to be on isolation movements the calorie reduction isn’t significant enough for maximum results.

For another example, take traditional Low Intensity Steady State cardio (LISS). Those are the 1-2 hour cardio sessions where you’re plodding around on a treadmill watching the clock tick by, bored out of your mind. The problem is you have limited time AND….

You’ve probably questioned the amount of time that is necessary to spend on the elliptical or treadmill. Hours upon hours are spent yet the end result is NOT a thin, slim midsection. In most cases it might be the exact opposite.

Doing Low Intensity Steady State cardio (LISS) can be very boring and most likely not even close to fun. It’s not something many people look forward to when it comes to working out. Throw in the fact that you have the potential to lose muscle mass, completely sabotaging your end goal. This just doesn’t make sense for you and your goals.

If there’s one thing I know about cutting body fat it’s that you must start with a tried and true, proven blueprint.

There are thousands of ways to lose those last few pounds and after working with celebrities, athletes, fitness models, moms, and the average gym goer I’ve been able to accumulate all of my research, results and failures by putting it into a proven system that WORKS.

It’s a plan that forces your body into a muscle building, fat burning zone…

If you’ve been around the fitness game for a while, you probably know about MRT, or Metabolic Resistance Training. If not, it’s basically doing rapid-paced weight-training circuits.

Without getting too far into the science, it’s been shown over and over and over again to be the most effective exercise for burning fat. Not only does MRT burn a lot of calories…it also increases your metabolism, allowing you to CONTINUE burning fat long after you’ve left the gym.

The problem with traditional MRT, though, is that it’s limited. Sure, it’s great for burning fat…

…but because you tend to use lighter weights, it can also make you weaker! When you go back to heavy training, you’ve got to play “catch-up.”

On top of that, traditional MRT is not designed with hormonal optimization in mind. And as we touched on above (and will cover in detail below), hormonal optimization is the KEY to getting that Omega body.

Omega MRT solves this. You see, instead of just “fast-paced weight-training circuits”, the Omega Body Blueprint uses FOUR distinctly different types of training.

Each one of these training modalities will help you burn fat…

…but is also designed with specific goals in mind. Some of them keep you strong (preventing the need to “catch-up” later), some help bring out muscle definition…

…and ALL of them train your body to release specific fat burning hormones that fight against that stubborn fat.

REMEMBER: stubborn fat is a direct result of individual hormones—Omega MRT is designed to address that directly.

What you eat plays a vital role in achieving the look you want. It’s especially crucial when you’re trying to eliminate the last annoying 5-10 pounds.

The problem is there is so much misinformation leading to confusion and more weight gain.

You’ve heard this before. Many trainers, dieticians, and even DOCTORS are telling you to evenly space out your meals in order to speed up your metabolism and keep it fired up throughout the day.

When it comes to eating, if you digest 3000 calories in 6 meals or 3 meals it still remains 3000 calories.

At the end of the day, if you are in a deficit, regardless of how you get there, you’ll start to see the magic happen.

If that’s not enough, research has been changing over the last decade suggesting just this.

In fact, I’ve got not one (1) but two (2) studies which illustrate that it doesn’t matter HOW many meals you eat—as long as the calories are the same, you can eat 2 meals or 10 and it won’t make a difference.

On top of all of this, it can be extremely difficult planning out six meals a day. Preparing, packing, carrying and maintaining this can be too difficult and not feasible.

Once again inexperienced trainers, poorly written articles and magazines have suggested you stop eating carbohydrates after 6 pm.

The theory behind this idea stems from the fact that you’ll be going to bed so your metabolism will slow down while your sleeping thus storing those carbohydrates as fat rather than utilizing it as energy. It’s also worth noting that it’s assumed insulin sensitivity and glucose tolerance can be affected.

This study (3) took 78 over-weight police officers and placed them into either an experiment group (evening carbohydrate consumption) or a control group over a six-month period.

Greater weight loss, abdominal circumference, and body fat mass reductions were observed in the group that ate carbohydrates at night compared to the control group.

There is nothing about nighttime that suggests it’s time your metabolism slows down and starts storing carbohydrates as fat.

Listen, eating natural, whole, unprocessed foods is obviously good for you.

And, yes, it’s unassailably better to eat a diet that is loaded with nutrients and provide your body with what it needs to function properly than one loaded with crap.

The problem is that people have been conditioned to think they need to eat nothing but salads, seeds, and tofu in order to get lean.

The thought of having to transform your pantry and kitchen to that of a co-op can be disheartening to many people with good intentions of getting in shape.

Here’s the truth: eating all organic foods doesn’t AUTOMATICALLY make you lean.

More importantly: it doesn’t matter how “certified” these foods are—if you eat too much of them, you will get fat.

My point is, organic foods are awesome; they’re just not the end-all, be-all when it comes to dieting.

In fact, it’s possible to strategically place the foods you enjoy into your overall diet and still get unbelievable results.

When done properly, you can use this strategy to elicit crucial fat burning hormones that will help boost your metabolism and accelerate your fat loss.

Taking into account all of the misinformation paralysis by analysis it’s finally nice to see a solution that WILL work for you…

Anyone who’s been on a structured fitness program can tell you that nutrition is BY FAR the larger piece of the puzzle.

If you want to get your Omega body, you need to avoid all the mistakes laid out in the lies above, and really focus on the important stuff.

Omega Nutrition focuses on a few things:

Rather than force you to eat a certain number of meals each day, employing a flexible IF strategy allows you to eat WHEN you want, and as often as you want.

Not only does this make it easier for you to make progress and adhere to the plan, it’s also incredibly effective from a hormonal perspective. It’s been shown that periods of fasting help you control ghrelin (the hunger hormone) and improve insulin sensitivity.

In the context of dieting, cycling means that certain aspects of your nutrition are modified on specific days, based on activity.

There are a lot of ways to do this, but all of them have this in common: you eat more calories and carbs on certain days than others.

The primary reason for this is energy utilization and recovery. To put in the most succinct way possible, you need to take in more energy on days you expend more energy.

Apart from helping you look awesome, there are some other advantages as well: researches at Louisiana State University found in a 2005 study that calorie cycling prolongs your life; this conclusion was further supported by researched conducted by the National Institute of Health in 2008.

In short, calorie cycling is going to help you lose fat while you gain muscle, optimize your hormones, and live longer. Not bad, if you ask me.

These are just a few of the principles upon which Omega Nutrition is founded—and these, combined with others, make it insanely effective for losing those last few pounds.

These hidden gremlins tend to cause a lot of problems for the unknowing person. Your hormones are the key to solving a plethora of issues when it comes to losing weight.

Or worse, doing permanent damage with ill-conceived crash diets and poorly designed programs (that may not have been designed for YOU) that is difficult and sometimes impossible to reverse.

Ask yourself: do you ever feel tired, sore, fatigued, exhausted, irritated and hungry even though you haven’t done a thing all day? Do you wonder why your energy has plummeted and your appetite has increased?

If you feel any of this you might suffer from the following:

These are just a few of the primary hormones that can alter your body composition. These can be so problematic essentially giving you no chance to see results. Thankfully there is a solution….

It’s not enough to just “eat right and exercise.” Reaching your Omega body requires a specific strategy. It’s about doing the right things at the right time…and that means training and nutrition have to match up.

By strategically pairing specific training methods with the right dietary eating patterns, you can create a one-two punch for your endocrine system.

For example, something like “density training” can be used to increase testosterone and decrease estrogen, allowing you to fight against lower body fat…

…but if you pair a density workout with a high carb feeding, it will ALSO allow you to build dense, lean muscle while you do it!

The Omega Body Blueprint is designed entirely around the principles of hormonal optimization for fat loss – and that’s why it’s the only program that will allow you to achieve your Omega body.

I love how I look and how I feel about myself. I owe a huge part of that to Roman. Thanks to him, I’m fitter, leaner, and stronger, which all leads to crazy confidence.

… the most important thing was how his programs educated and taught me how to continue that same level of training and fitness on my own.

I am a Strength and Conditioning Coach and am always trying to get better. For me to say that John educated me [tremendously] in my own trade.. is impressive.

No way. You need to they combine various aspects of many different types of training and incorporate the best of each to break through plateaus and allow you to burn that stubborn fat.

If you want that look, this program is not for you. But I know that isn’t the case. I know you want to have a lean, sexy, firm body. Not just a tight, flat tummy, but also toned arms and legs that give the image of confidence and capability. Sexy on a whole new level.

If you’re trying to lose the weight, whether it’s 20 pounds to drop a few sizes, or the last few to get your ideal beach body, why not use the best stuff available?

And yes, I am biased. But I don’t have a bias towards my programs just because I wrote them.

I’m biased towards this program because it works the FASTEST.

You see, I hate dieting and trying to lose fat just as much as you do (believe me), so if something worked faster or better, I’d just as easily use and recommend that.

The fact is, I spent years trying other methods, learning from them, and making them better.

So yes, I have an anti-fat bias. The Omega Body Blueprint is the result of that bias.

In fact, I’ll fill you in on…

This manual covers the complete training theory and all TWENTY FOUR Hormonal Response Training™ workouts included in the program. That’s 6 full weeks of programming and training, all in once place.

And, to be fair, I think that’s an incredible value for what I deliver. However, you’re not going to pay anywhere NEAR that, and you’re going to get so, so much more…

Keeping records is vitally important – the single best way to progress is to know what to increase and what to decrease. The problem is, this can sometimes be a pain.

To make things easier and more user friendly, I’ve had these workout charts professionally designed so that each and every workout has it’s own chart, completely detailed with what exercises to do, how many sets, how many reps, and even some notes. Just print one out, bring it to the gym, and you’re good to go!

When it comes to nutrition, it’s not just about what you eat; it’s about when and how much. Well, the Omega Nutrition Calculator is going to take care of all of that.

The calculator will tell you exactly what amounts to eat, and how to spread them out based on your personal preferences.

Anyone who knows anything about fitness can tell you that nutrition is by FAR the larger piece of the fat loss puzzle. That’s why no matter how awesome the workout in OBB are, you need some guidance when it comes to your diet if you really want to build your Omega Body.

To that end, I’ve put down ALL of my theories on nutrition in one place; everything I know about eating for fat loss, hormonal optimization, and health in one place.

Supplements are an iffy part of the fitness industry. Some are fantastic, and others are complete crap—knowing which is which is the hard part. Thankfully, it’s part of my job. I’ll be honest and say that if you have the right stuff and use it the right way, supplements can definitely accelerate your progress.

And so in this guide, I’ve outlined the ones that will help you meet your goals, and give you a rundown of which to stay away from—incredibly helpful for getting results without wasting money!

There’s an old saying that if you fail to plan, you can plan to fail. Well, I’ve taken every step to make sure that doesn’t happen to you – and I want you to do the same.

To that end, I’ve created the Omega Body Blueprint quick-start check list – just go through the list before you start—it details EVERYTHING you need to get started with the program on the right foot.

Think of it like the Cliff’s Notes version of the manuals. With this, you’ll be playing with cheat codes.

The Omega Body Blueprint System can work for any man or women of any age…

…HOWEVER: It’s NOT for everybody.

Listen. This is good stuff. But like anything that serves a specific purpose and is of high caliber, it’s not for everyone.

I have no desire to see you waste your time and money if OBB won’t benefit you the way it has helped the people you see on this page. It’s that simple.

So here’s the truth: The Omega Body Blueprint melts stubborn body fat unlike anything else…BUT it is not the answer for people who’re lazy, unmotivated or are looking for the easy way out. Those people can continue wasting their time, energy and money on useless gadgets, overhyped trends, and insane “miracle” supplements that over promise and under deliver.

Personally, I believe you’re smarter than that. And I KNOW if you’re willing to put in the work, follow the instructions, and invest just a little time, The Omega Body Blueprint will transform your body like nobody’s business…without spending your life in the gym or preparing fancy meals.

BUT: if you’re just going to buy this system and let it just sit there with everything else on your computer, please don’t bother wasting your time.

YOU have to be willing to take some action; otherwise you’ll just keep being frustrated, keep spinning your wheels…and keep hating your body.

That’s obviously not the future I want for you, but it’s certainly the one you’ll face…unless you decide to do something about right now.

One final thing: I designed the The Omega Body Blueprint system to be simple… but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be EASY. It’s hard. The workouts are tough, and you have to consistent.

But I’ve done everything I can to make things are simple as possible: everything is laid out for you in a step-by-step blueprint that anyone can follow, and get results like Josh…

Great question. The first thing you need to know about me is that I don’t do this for the money. I just want to help people. And, to be honest, I’m sick of people charging too much for too little.

With Omega, I wanted to make sure ANYONE who wants to end their frustration with having stubborn body fat and NEEDED to lose those last few pounds could afford this system.

At the same time, I DO have my business and my family to think of, so I can’t give it away for free, or even charge this insanely discounted price forever.

So I’ve come up with a compromise: I’m going to offer a 90% discount on The Omega Body Blueprint for almost a week to celebrate the launch. But Friday at midnight, the price nearly

TRIPLES.

Personally, I think that’s fair: if gives people like you—action takers who are ready to make a change—the opportunity to get an amazing program for an extremely low entry point. And it allows me to charge a fair price for my services going forward.

Since this is an ebook (and not an expensive hardcover book, like my New York Times bestseller), I can provide you with instant access to everything you need in one easy-to-use spot and a super low price. I don’t have to worry about shipping, printing, or paying back the advance from my publisher.

The only thing I need to consider is getting you the product as quickly as possible, and providing the most value I can.

Remember, I’m not some newbie trainer at your local gym who doesn’t know his shit. I’m a bestselling author and advisor to HUGE fitness companies, and I’ve been perfecting these exact methods over the past 12 years.

All of which is to say that for the time being, I’m happy to offer the discounted price, and leave this sale running until FRIDAY at midnight. But I’m also doing something special to assuage any remaining doubts of skepticism, and remove ALL risk form you.

Without question, I believe OBB is the best program on the market, and I know you’ll be amazed at the level of detail and the quality of the information. Every component of OBB has been laid out step-by-step to ensure the fastest results possible.

With The Omega Body Blueprint, I know you’ll see results in just a few days. And by the end of the 6-week program, those last few pounds will be a memory.

But the best thing is this: as long as you stay committed to the concepts of the program, the results will last for LIVE.

When you pick up OBB, you’re becoming a valued member of the Roman Fitness Systems community. And we take that very seriously. My company prides itself on service, so if for WHATEVER reason you have an issue, just hit us up and we’ll help you right away.

This means you can actually use and apply all the unique transformation strategies and start losing those last few pounds with ZERO risk. If you’re not blown away AFTER you take action and get results, you can get your money back.

Again, to celebrate the new release of The Omega Body Blueprint, I’m offering the entire system at INSANELY low launch price. But please keep in mind that I can only keep that price active for the launch week…

So make sure you order now and lock in the launch price special while you can

I won’t lie to you: of course you can. It’s possible…but at what cost? How much more time are you willing to waste before you actually get to where you want to be?

As I see it, you have two choices…

This is what you’ve been doing in the past: trying to figure it out all on your own, or listening to the same trite advice from the same bad sources. You’ve done it before, maybe with moderate success.

I mean, hell, you could even stumble across your own system that rips fat off your body in 6 weeks. Stranger things have happened.

So yes, you could essentially do it yourself. It is POSSIBLE.

But ask yourself: if that was going to work…wouldn’t it have worked already?

If you do choose to go this route, be prepared to put forth a lot of blood, sweat, and tears while wasting what is a lot of valuable time—time you could be spending enjoying your new body.

I’m giving you a proven “short-cut to success” so you don’t have to struggle to find out what works like I did.

Make no mistake: I really WANT you to succeed. I want you to wow your friends with your new, hot body. I want you to feel what I felt at that party—because it was awesome, and it will be for you, too.

With this program, I’ve laid it all out there—the exact program that has been responsible for hundreds of my own personal clients finally losing those last stubborn pounds and achieving lean, sexy bodies that they can be extremely proud of.

And that’s why I’m offering The ENTIRE Omega Body Blueprint system for less than a third of the actual price during the launch.

If at any point over the course of the next 30 days you are not satisfied with your investment in The Omega Body Blueprint, just let me know and I’ll refund your money—all of it. Even the money I was going to use to pay my employees. You get it all back.

Am I that confident The Omega Body Blueprint is going to work? Damn right I am.

I’m giving you a full four weeks to evaluate the entire program, you don’t believe OBB is the most kick-ass fat loss program you’ve ever come across, you pay nothing.

That really IS the best I can do. Seriously. It’s the best anyone can do.

If you still have some doubts, lemme just take a second to give you a reality check: if you keep doing exactly what you’re doing right now, your body is going to look exactly the same. Period.

If you don’t change something, you’ll look the same next week, next month, next year…until age takes over and you look worse.

But until then, if you don’t make a change, your clothes will fit the same, and you’ll still feel just as bad wearing them.

The Omega Body Blueprint is the perfect way to make that change.

Remember, although all of the aggravation, frustration, and wasted time you’ve experienced hasn’t been your fault, now that you know the truth, it’s your responsibility to take action.

If you continue to use outdated, generic diets and programs—you know, the ones that you’ve been doing and that haven’t gotten you anywhere?—you’ll only make it harder to lose those final few pounds and unveil your OMEGA body in the long run.

I know this, because I’ve helped thousands upon thousands of people all over the world regain their confidence and live their lives with the body of their dreams.

Just like you, with The Omega Body Blueprint, they were able to discover:

Simply by applying the same step-by-step principles that all of my clients—including all the people on this page have—you can absolutely change your body.

And that is what I want for you.

So, go ahead. Take action.

If so, click here right now to order the sure-fire training system that is going to get you to that coveted position– to that elusive stage of physical fitness that separates most people from their goals.

That’s cool. No need to read any further.

If ANY of these apply to you, then you need to discover the secrets of the training methods that will help lose the fat and get you to your Final Form.

Keep in mind, I offer a 100% risk-free, money back guarantee. If you think it’s too good to be true, let me prove you wrong.

Stop making excuses and start making progress. You owe it to yourself.

If you’re thinking about working with the Chief Bro King of the Roman Fitness Empire, DO IT.

So let’s do this thing, and get you to where you want to be: rockin’ your OMEGA body, and crushing life.

See You on the Other Side,

John Romaniello,New York Times Bestselling Author, Engineering the Alpha, Founder, Roman Fitness Systems, Prefect, Gryffindor House

P.S. Remember, you have my 30-Day, 100% Money-Back Guarantee. I am giving you the best of both worlds: the opportunity to experience the mind-blowing results that so many of my clients have already achieved AND the knowledge that it is completely RISK FREE. Grab it Risk-Free Today!

The Omega Body Blueprint is a rapid fat loss training program that uses the most effective training styles in the world to help you lose fat—not only from your body as a whole, but ALSO from your problem areas.

It’s comprised of scientifically designed workouts that take into account everything from staying ahead of your body’s adaptation curve in order to balance hormones.

This allows Omega to counter-act your your body’s fat storage patterns.

Absolutely! You see, problem areas exist because of hormones. In fact, certain hormonal levels heavily influence the places you store fat the easiest and from which it is the hardest to lose fat.

As an example, if you store fat mostly in the belly, then chances are you have high cortisol.

If you store a lot of fat in your love handles, this I because of insulin management.

Finally, if you mostly store fat in your lower body—your hips and thighs—then it’s because of your estrogen levels.

Well, The Omega Body Blueprint addresses ALL OF THOSE issues—both independently and collectively.

You see, OBB is a special program: the workouts have been designed to specifically release hormones that help to offset fat storage.

Each of the different training styles in OBB is designed to generate a different hormonal response, each of which is intended to offset a particular issue caused by one of the previously mentioned hormonal imbalances.

All of which is to say—it doesn’t matter WHERE you’re storing your stubborn fat; Omega is equipped to deal specifically with that difficulty. The combination of MRT, Density Training, Lactic Acid Training and Strength Circuits WILL help you burn off those last few pounds.

Fat doesn’t discriminate when it comes to who gains weight, and neither should programs discriminate on the fat they fight. Men AND women can benefit equally.

In fact, a lot of my best clients are women; they tend to be the hardest workers—especially the brides! (I’ve never seen ANYONE work harder in the gym than a woman preparing for her wedding.)

As for men: generally speaking, guys have a higher level of familiarity with weight training, so the learning curve is usually a bit shorter for them (but only in the beginning!).

Then you can still absolutely benefit from The Omega Body Blueprint. As one of the most sophisticated fat loss programs available, OBB benefits nearly anyone.

However, like any great program, it was really designed with 3 types of people in mind:

1) Anyone who has hit a fat loss plateau. If you’ve been struggling at the same weight for a while and need to break through and start your fat loss again, this is your answer.

2) Someone who is dealing with “problem area” fat loss. If you’ve been struggling to lose the love handles or you can’t figure out why no matter what you do your belly fat won’t budge, then FPFL is the next step. The workouts and the way they fight hormones with hormones is exactly the right fit.

3) People who have ever struggled to lost the last few pounds. If you feel that “so close, yet so far” feeling, you absolutely NEED to be using The Omega Body Blueprint.

While having access to a gym definitely helps (and, in my opinion, makes any program more effective), you can certainly do these workouts at home. All you need is some dumbbells and a Swiss ball!

The workouts are written using barbells and benches, but that DOES NOT mean that’s how they need to be DONE!

Nearly any barbell exercise can be done with dumbbells, and almost all exercises have a suitable bodyweight alternative. If you want to “change things up” you can use resistance bands, or even fun equipment like kettlebells.

The main thing to remember is that while the workouts in The Omega Body Blueprint are the most exceptional fat burning workouts ever put down on paper…

…it’s the CONCEPTS contained within the program that make OBB special.

The different training styles, the way to perform them—if you apply these concepts to training at home…you will get phenomenal results.

Absolutely! From the time I started training, I’ve been working with parents and grandparents and people 2-3 times my own age. And that goes for my own mom.

When it comes to fitness, people don’t need to place limits on themselves because of age—and that includes using a program like OBB.

For example, here’s my client John. He’s over 60, but the concepts in OBB helped him lose fat and gain muscle.

As a 61 year old guy — who was out of shape and heavy, and who had never done resistance training in his life — it’s incredible to me that over the course of my time in the coaching program, Roman transformed me into someone who is constantly complimented in the gym and in public for the shape that he’s in!

And John’s not the only one! I’ve had dozens of people go through this very program who are over 70!

The main thing to understand is that everything is scalable; if something is new or feels unfamiliar, with a little practice you’ll be ready to go.

And keep in mind that as we age, that for people over 50… The Omega Body Blueprint is even MORE important.

As we age, our fat burning hormones begin to decline, and a program intended to boost them is going to be even more important now than when you were 40.

Well, that depends on your definition of beginner.

The Omega Body Blueprint is advanced in nature, and not really designed for people who have never trained before. It’s really for people who would categorize themselves as having a least some experience.

That said, modifications can be made to make it suitable for a wide range of fitness levels and starting points.

So, if you’re a “beginner” who is willing to work and learn as you go then YES, this is for you.

This is the simplest question of all. If by some chance it doesn’t work…well, then it’s free.

Seriously. No question asked. That’s just the way it works.

Let me just put it this way: I know the impact The Omega Body Blueprint has had on my clients, and I know its value. I’m confident that anyone who follows it will get results. Period.

And so I offer a completely awesome and totally bullet-proof, 30-day guarantee for a refund. No tricks, no loopholes. No hard feelings.

I’ll give you a full 30 days to try the program and if at the end of it you feel it wasn’t effective, you get every penny back. It’s that simple.

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[lettheriverflow]

An Interview with Tristan Spinski

Jaime Molina: Please introduce yourself.

Tristan Spinski: I grew up and have lived all over the place, both here in the US and a little time abroad in SE Asia, so wherever I've lived, I've always been from "somewhere else". For the last 8 years, I've lived along the Maine coast in the northeast corner of the United States.

I had an undisciplined, passive interest in photography growing up and through college. In my mid 20s I went off to graduate school at Berkeley to work on my writing with the goal of becoming a journalist. The program encouraged students to explore other forms of storytelling, and I opted to take a documentary photography course taught by Ken Light and Mimi Chakarova. That was in 2004, and was my entry point to photography and what was to be my career and a life fully immersed in photography and visual storytelling. You never end up where you expect to, at least not in my experience. Over the years I've migrated from news-driven priorities into conversations about land use and the intersections of culture, economy and the landscape. I recently wrapped up a project on gas drilling in Pennsylvania, where I partnered with a sociologist for his ethnography about a community that has a long history of tethering its economy and cultural identity to natural resource extraction. As that chapter closes, I'm embarking on two new series — one involving endangered birds, and another being a close examination of a landscape near my home.

JM: Why is it important for you to work with conservation publications/organizations?

TS: I believe in the work they do and feel a responsibility to contribute. Once I had a foundational understanding of photography and, through assignment work, had experienced a spectrum of issues and stories, I began to unpack my motivations and inspirations. I found/find it difficult to be honest with myself and to distill what I truly want to stand for with my life and work from the pressures, distractions and seductions of the media cacophony. And there are so many realities that influence my practice and path — privilege, family, where I was raised, what I read, my friends, I could go on forever.

JM:  Is there a writer or book that influence your current practice? and why?

TS: I think every author I read influences my practice. It's a mixture of elation, that I'm absorbing a book or article and actively applying it to whatever I'm working on, and also a bit of insecurity, as I assume that I don't have a strong enough constitution of self to resist being swayed. What's that cliche about bending so you don't break?

A standout that I consider a creative "North Star" would include J.A. Baker's "The Peregrine". I've been thinking about how to describe this book to you and what it means to me for more than a day now, and everything I try to convey feels blunted and clumsy. The humility of Baker traversing the English countryside to observe and understand the falcon elevates to a synthesis of science, classical literature and meditation that makes my heart ache.

Gay Talese is also a foundational influence in my own practice. It was required reading during college, and I'm grateful for it. "Frank Sinatra Has a Cold" sets a standard for a fly-on-the-wall perspective, patience and character insight, as Talese was never granted an interview but rather was able to spend time in proximity to Sinatra as he went about his business and socialized. There's a great collection of Talese's writings, "Fame and Obscurity", that I would recommend.

Ryszard Kapuscinski has become enormously influential to me in the last few years — ground level observations and personal experiences in the field working as a reporter that glide seamlessly into the stratosphere of geo-political forces. I was on assignment in Madagascar a few years ago and brought a copy of "Travels With Herodotus" with me. The writer I was working with borrowed it while I was laid flat in my tent with a boiling rash and a debilitating stomach bug. He finished it, acknowledged how it made him reconsider our own situation and project, and then I read it as I began to recover and I share my gratitude for Kapuscinski's mastery of craft. I think it might have saved the project! "Another Day of Life" is also a mind blowing, in the worst, most necessary way. I think that whatever Kapuscinski book I read most recently would be my favorite of his and would say is the most personally influential.

And to further my point about how everything influences me, I read "The Overstory" by Richard Powers last spring, as COVID shut the world down. That set me on a course with my work to think critically about trees and consciousness beyond what we (humans) are capable of seeing. And when I say it influenced me, I don't say that lightly. After I finished "The Overstory", I started researching mushroom suit burial options for when I die (someday, hopefully not soon), so that I somehow become part of a tree as my own biomass is recycled back into the earth. I feel a bit self conscious as I write this. But it's true. I told my wife my wish/intention with this, which was jarring and probably something I could have led into a bit more gracefully. I told her to read the book, and then she'd understand. On my current landscape project, I'm thinking about this book every time I'm on site.

And now I'm reading "Braiding Sweetgrass" by Robin Wall Kimmerer. I don't want the book to end. It's like eating a dish and getting upset that with every bite you're closer to finishing it. To your earlier question on why it's important to me to work with conservation organizations, I'll quote Kimmerer, out of context, here: "What else can you offer the earth, which has everything? What else can you give but something of yourself?"

JM: How have you been producing work during COVID times, and how do you think it will affect your practice in the future?

TS: COVID has been both enormously disruptive, as well as clarifying. Save two or three projects, almost all of my assignment work has been COVID-related in the past year. Only one has put me in an vulnerable situation, which was early in the pandemic and wasn't intentional. I live in a sparsely-populated, rural pocket of the United States and have stayed close to home. Most assignment work has me documenting the social and economic impacts of COVID on a regional scale. And all of this has been at the request of editors at various publications, so I have no personal attachment, other than I live here and feel a commitment to my family, my neighbors, my community and my state, so I do the best job I can under the circumstances. It's necessary to communicate what's happening and I participate because it's my job, as I consider something like this to be an "all hands on deck" responsibility and it's no time to demand to be hired for passion projects.

My personal work has stalled. Completely. I just sent a year's worth of film into the lab, none of which amounts to more than random entries to my imaginary journal. This pause has made me reset, forced me to read, think, talk out ideas, and generally reconsider what I'm doing and why. I just started an examination of a nearby landscape. I wish I had found a path forward with this project earlier in the pandemic, as it's accessible and nobody is around, but I couldn't (and still can't), which is frustrating and keeps me up at night. So now I'm attempting to work my way through it. We'll see.

JM: Could you tell us why did you decide to submit that photo to LTRF?

TS: While a lot of my work is rooted in landscape, a conversation I'm interested in having revolves around the fraying relationships and growing distance between people and most other living things. In that context, this image felt appropriate.

JM:  What is your favourite bird?

TS: Ha! My favorite bird seems to change daily. I have friends who are ornithologists, and they will casually mention an insanely interesting fact about a bird that catapults that particular species to the top of my list. Or I'll read some jaw-dropping statistics and lose my mind. For instance, last autumn I got to work alongside Scott Weidensaul along the northern coast of Maine, close to where I live, as he studied migrating saw-whet owls. They are tiny and ferocious predators that fit in the palm of your hand. So I became a bit obsessed with them, and then got to reading Weidensaul's book, "Living on the Wind", about bird migrations. Early in the book he talks about Blackpoll Warblers, which use air currents to aid their transcontinental migrations from western Alaska, east across northern Canada to the Atlantic and then south to Venezuela — "an overwater trip of 2,000 miles — a passage with no rest, no refuelling, no water, during which each will have flapped its wings nearly 3 million times. 'If a Blackpoll Warbler were burning gasoline instead of its reserves of body fat, it could boast getting 720,000 miles to the gallon,' note two researchers." I had to look up images of the bird, and realize that I've seen these and never gave them a second thought. But think about how truly magnificent these little creatures are. And it's not just the spectacular that makes me love a bird. I was out walking my dogs last spring and I heard a bird chirping that sounded, to me, just like R2-D2, from Star Wars. Turned out to be a Bobolink, which also sounds like a Star Wars character. But they look like disheveled little Franciscan monks — dark bodies with a circular yellow patch of plumage on the back of their heads resembling the bald patches, which is devotional practice of tonsure. I then learned that where I walk my dogs is designated as a Bobolink breeding habitat, so it became a daily symphony of R2-D2s. And when they fly, they appear a bit slow and clumsy, almost like they've had a few beers before taking off. So maybe that's my favorite bird. I'm sure I'll read something or see something soon that turns my attention elsewhere.

JM: If you could give yourself any piece of advice right now what would it be?

TS: I'd reiterate the advice my late father, who I admire more than I can express here, gave me: Simplify.

Thank you Tristan!

___________

Tristan Spinski

Let The River Flow on Instagram

Issue 1. Available now.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Reika’s Lament

Heres the fic aka Let's see how many musical songs about love and heartbreak can I fit into one fic. I promise lots of songs that I mashed up and cut to fit. On my own, A heart full of love (Les Miserables), Goodbye until tomorrow, Still Hurting (Last Five Years) Helpless, Satisfied, Congratulations, Burn, That would be enough (Hamilton) As long as your mine (Wicked) Something that will last (First Date) This never happened before (Bonnie and Clyde) 

Reika sat on the hill watching couples of Deliverers, partners lovers strolling around relaxing for once.

One word on everybody's lips. The wedding. 

Two deliverers getting married!

It hasn't happened in years.

Deliverers were very job-oriented, always duty before honor. Usually you found love for the others before finding love for yourself. And married, they lived forever, what was the point?

You didn't need to do it right away.

But two that were so totally in love, we're going to get married.

She got them together. She hated herself for that.

On my own Pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him till morning. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

Hiro is over and Hiro is gone Hiro's decided it's time to move on Hiro has new dreams he's building upon And I'm still hurting

Hiro and Mikki. The golden couple. The couple that changed the game for the Deliverers forever, and for such selfish reasons. Well that was her opinion anyway. 

They made Mikki a Deliverer because Mikki used to be a mortal, and she and Hiro wanted to be together but Hiro's job prevented. But Mikki, the sanctimonious human thought they were matchmaking all wrong and blah blah blah. 

She didn't quite know all the details, but somehow Mikki turned out to be right and the Council had to be defeated. They forgot one thing, Hiro used to be hers. Hers! 

Then he fell for that mortal, and it all went to hell. And she helped him, she made sure he didn't get killed right away, gave them supplies, let them fall in love. And although he seemed to have forgotten the fact and moved on and is...marrying his love of his life. 

She still remembered him, and longed for him so much.

And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him And although I know that he is blind Still I say, there's a way for us

Give me a day, Hiro Bring back the lies Hang them back on the wall Maybe I'd see How you could be So certain that we Had no chance at all Yes, Deliverers weren't exactly encourged to enter relationships with their working partners but it happened anyway. After all they were matched so they would fit with one another and worked in unison. Feelings were bound to come up. 

She had fallen hard for Hiro. His compassion, selflessness, beauty and tactical brilliance on the job. Who wouldn't want that? And she had thought he loved her too.

But then he left and found someone else and she didn't matter anymore. No one noticed her actions against Mikki, he never made a big decision in choosing between them. The answer was always Mikki. 

Mike Mikki Mikki! The pure and good schoolgirl with friends and family and now an amazing fiancé. 

What did she have? Nothing. Having to adjust to new rules and watch her ex marry another girl. She was never one to get what she wanted even when she tried. Go and hide and run away Run away, run and find something better Go and ride the sun away Run away like it's simple Like it's right...

I love him

But every day I'm learning

All  my life, I’ve only been pretending Without me His world will go on turning A world that's full of happiness That I have never known

She glared as she spotted the couple in the distance. In a gazebo, talking and laughing. 

She felt tears creep into her eyes. It hurt so much. He used to look at her that way. 

“No" she thought. He looks so much freer, happier. She couldn't have given him that. Another tear slipped down her cheek, and she sat on the ground, knees pulled to her chin.

What about lies, Hiro?

I love him

What about things that you swore to be true

I love him What about you, Hiro

I love him What about you? But only on my own

She remembered the day she met him as it had just happened yesterday. It was a small get-together/party so Watchers can meet their partners and generally socialize.

I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days.

I remember those soldier boys tripping over themselves to win our praise.

I remember that dreamlike candlelight like a dream that you can’t quite place,

She had been talking with a sweet blonde one from Tokyo, named Sango. Watchers who had been active for a year or two were invited and she was very eager. She wanted to be the best she could. 

She didn't really have many memories of her old life. Just that she was quiet, had foster parents of some sort and that was pretty much it. 

She was much happier as a Deliverer. It gave her a sense of duty and she enjoyed being with like-minded people who took the job as seriously as she did. 

The girls were at one side of the room, waiting for the men to enter. It was boy-girl pairings to give a side from each gender's perspective and everyone was eager to see who their partners could be.

I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight We were at a revel with the others on a hot night Laughin’ at my friend as she’s dazzling the room Then you walked in and my heart went “Boom!”

A group of guys entered but one in particular caught her eye. He was defiantly very attractive with his spiked up brunette hair and straight posture, but what she liked was his face. It seemed to regard everyone with a smile but his eyes were guarded as if he was looking around the room, searching for love.

Tryin’ to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom Everybody’s dancin’ and the band’s top volume Grind to the rhythm as we wine and dine

Then she heard him speaking to a fellow Deliverer. His idea to carefully record his subjects and choose worthy ones before transferring love from bad couples.

She had a similar thought but how no idea how to put it into action until he spoke. She wanted to talk to him more, oh he would be the perfect guy to work with. Beauty and brains. The perfect combination.

Grab a Deliver and

Whisper,

“Hope, this One’s mine.”

Then she saw a girl approach him and start to talk to him, explaining something. Her heart drooped a little. Was that his partner? 

He didn't seem to be too interested but maybe he was just listening intently. Then she started to lead him from his corner by the table, and Reika felt her hopes sink into her stomach. Yep, probably his partner. 

She looked up to see him make eye contact with her.

The girl made her way across the room to you And I got nervous, thinking “What’s he gonna do?” She grabbed you by the arm, I’m thinkin’ “I’m through” Then you look back at me and suddenly I’m Helpless! Oh, look at those eyes The girl turned out to be a Watcher and introduced Hiro as her partner. Reika had wanted to squeal on the spot but she contained herself. He was her partner! But Hiro, I’ll never forget the first time I saw your face. I have never been the same, 

Intelligent eyes in a hunger-pang frame, And when you said “Hi,” 

I forgot my dang name, set my heart aflame, ev’ry part aflame, This is not a game… The Watcher walked away and they started talking some more. Comparing ideas, talking about what they had done before. She had never felt so happy before. 

He was almost like her. The same goals, the same values.  So so so— so this is what it feels like to match wits with someone at your level! What the hell is the catch? It’s the feeling of freedom, of seein’ the light, it’s like that Ben Franklin with a key and a kite! You see it, right? 

The conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes, ev’rything we said in total agreement, it’s a dream and it’s a bit of a dance. They had worked great together and soon they had become something more. Love was the thought that occupied her mind and she well loved it. She was floating, she was happy, she wanted to be by his side forever. Goodbye until tomorrow Goodbye till I recall how to breathe And I have been waiting I have been waiting for you

Admittedly she was never one to show her feelings but he just brought out that side of her, the one that wanted to trust someone and relax and have fun. 

I stand on a precipice I struggle to keep my balance I open myself I open myself one stitch at a time

Finally yes! Finally now! Finally something takes me away Finally free! Finally he can cut through these strings And open my wings! She firmly told him that she didn't want it to get in between their job and he had agreed. Well, he had been a little reluctant, he said she was too focused on the job but she assured him over and over she didn't think of anyone else. 

He eventually conceded. Then he had to go on a solo mission and the Council gave them a talk, her not to distract him while he's alone. 

Him, not to pine away for her. They mutually agreed to be on break, but to her that meant nothing just word, she fully expected him to come back.

I knew you were mine You said you were mine I thought you were mine

While he had been gone she thought of him, and she smiled. He was so good. He would do well on his mission, it was such an honor to be chosen she had thought. The night before he left, they had a talk.  He had said, "You are a woman who will never be satisfied She told him, "I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. You forget yourself" He replied, "You’re like me. I’m never satisfied" He had been referring to that she took her job so seriously that she might lose what she wanted most but she brushed him away. She did have what she wanted most. Him. He was so serious and had shared through the night, saying that he felt this one was different and he kept having strange dreams. She comforted him and assured him that she would always be by his side.

If I could grant you peace of mind If you could let me inside your heart… JUST FOR THIS MOMENT AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE BORROW THE MOONLIGHT UNTIL IT IS THROUGH

Oh, let me be a part of the narrative In the story they will write someday Let this moment be the first chapter: Where you decide to stay AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE... And I could be enough And we could be enough That would be enough Well emphasis on the "DID".

She got up and tried to compose herself. "It's gonna happen Reika" she told herself, "Deal with it." 

She started to think of what she might say at the wedding, to prove she was 100% didn't care and that she was not going to stand in the way. A toast to the groom! To the bride! From your partner Who is always by your side. To your union, and the hope that you provide. May you always... be satisfied. Rewind–                      Rewind– She returned to what happened when she had visited him. He was explaining how his mission had been going.

Just stayin' close will keep me satisfied Think I'm in heaven Feel that way too, babe This night should have been So much more I told you... Bein' with you is enough, babe This never happened before...

He seemed flustered that she was there, but generally acted casually. She spotted a girl in the distance rushing over to him, calling his name eagerly. She felt twinge of worry in her stomach. 

He looked a little concerned but relaxed and gave her a casual grin that she loved. His beautiful brown eyes trained on her, that just made her melt inside.

Oh! Yeah, I’m Helpless, I know I’m so into you I am so into you I know I’m down for the count And I’m drownin’ in ‘em. The girl in question saw them and soon fled the scene in tears. He ran after her, and that was when she realized she had some competition. 

At first, she had been hurt but then rationalized, it was because Mikki was a mortal, the good farm girl everyday nature was so innocent and niece he was playing part as a hero. 

So she just simply tried to sweep Mikki under the rug. She had never thought they would work. For one thing mortal and Deliverer was just no. Second of all, herself. 

She had been his partner and friend and confident for years. She didn't want him to be exiled or worse because of some mortal. 

But she had underestimated her persistence for love and stubborness that only seemed to drive Hiro more into her arms. She looked at his letters and tried to figure out where he turned when Mikki came into the picture. I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me I’m searching and scanning for answers In every line For some kind of sign And when you were mine The world seemed to Burn

It all came to head when she met them in those snowy mountains. She had tried to warn him of the Watcher council, give him one more chance to give up. 

Miki would have been fine, she could back to her normal life, and Hiro would be safe and realize the utter stupidity of Miki. But no, his big choice that no one could influence he chose love and he stood by her. I wanna take him far away from this place, then I turn and see his crush's face and she is... Helpless… And I know she is... Helpless… And her eyes are just… Helpless… And I realize Three fundamental truths at the exact same time… He had told her about the Watcher Council was wrong and how Mikki's view of how they were using them for selfish reasons. She didn't want to believe that stupid mortal girl was right but she as. She repressed it, ignored it. did her job as usual. Secretly she would have helped if it would have been a totally different circumstance and that he had stayed with her. But it wasn't fair, they had been warned not to get too close because they were partners and they should be focused on their jobs. Hiro accepted that without complaint, but now a Deliverer was with a mortal which could get him killed and he was standing by her. I’m a girl in a world in which my only job is to matchmaker rich. I'm a girl so I’m the one who has to social climb for one, so I’m the feminine and the wittiest and the gossip in Tokyo is insidious, Hiro is just my partner, Ha! That doesn’t mean I want him any less. She saw something inside both of them. The worthiness. They were worthy of love, and they had found it without a Deliverer. 

They loved each other. It felt like a knife had torn into her heart, but she could't deny what she saw. He deserved to have someone pure, and good, and willing to put them first. That what he always said, that sh always put her job first but he had always done that too.

"Because we were never meant to be" she thought bitterly.

He found someone who he was willing to risk his job and his life for the sake of love and girl who lost everything she known for him. She couldn't stand in the way of that.  He’s after her cuz she's a mortal. That elevates his comfort I’d have to be naïve to set that aside, maybe that is why I let him have Mikki, now that’s his bride. Nice going, Reika, he was right, You will never be satisfied. And so like she had done countless of times before with so many lovers. She gave them the chance to be together, she pulled herself out of the equation and let them be with each other. After all that was what she was meant to do. She didn't say one to anyone about the break up and no one seemed to care. I’m erasing myself from the narrative Let future historians wonder how Reika Reacted when you broke her heart You have torn it all apart I am watching it Burn After that, they had talked little but one time Hiro asked how she felt. And she said, she was fine. 

She knew that answer would make him happy, and she could clearly see the relief in his face. He even invited her to the wedding right after. What else could she say but okay?

I know my partner like I know my own mind, you will never find anyone as loving or as kind. If I tell her that I don't love him he’d be silently rejoiced  he’d be hers. I would say, “I’m fine” I’d be lying. They had remained on friendly terms but she carried a torch for him that held strong especially at night. All she could think of the could have beens and what ifs. But what I fantasize at night, it’s Hiro’s eyes, as I romanticize what might have been if I hadn’t sized him up so quickly. At least he has a dear wife; at least I keep his eyes in my life… She sank to the ground again, this was too hard she couldn't go to the damn wedding and pretend she was happy.

I know they will be satisfied. I will never be satisfied.

The day of the wedding she told on the hill again, watching the preparations and such. 

She left them a gift but informed Hiro she wouldn't be able to make it. She didn't give a reason. Miki would probably be overjoyed. She never liked her anyway, because she was trying to take Hiro who had been rightfully hers.

"She should thank me" she thought "I helped them get together. Then Hiro rushed up the hill with his best tux, and stared at her. "I can't find Mikki, no one can find Mikki. Reika, I know it's a  lot to ask but please" 

She held up a finger to shush him, "I'll find her." 

She found the girl in question hiding under the gazebo benches in her white wedding dress, terrified. In a brief moment she thought of letting her get away, no more wedding, but soon dismissed it. Hiro wasn't going to come back to her, Mikki or no Mikki.

"What is it?" she asked. Mikki jolted up surprised to see her, "Reika.." she growled.

"I'm not her to steal your beu but if you don't come out I might have to walk the aisle as your replacement"

"You wouldn't?" she scowled "Hiro wouldn't dare.”  "I'm aware, so why are you here?" Reika rolled her eyes.

"I'm scared. What if I'm not his true love. What if he finds someone else?" Mikki whimpered, glancing at her.

Oh how she wished that someone else was her. Reika didn't bother to hear the rest of explanation. 

After all they had been through, Mikki was scared?

That's when she let out all her feelings of anger, and love for Hiro, and all the doubts of Mikki's feelings were incredible stupid. The girl was about to marry Hiro and she was complaining!!!!!  I know my partner like I know my own mind You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind And a million years ago he said to me 'this one's mine' So I stood by Do you know why? I love my partner more than anything in this life I will choose his happiness over mine everytime Hiro, Is the best thing in our lives So never lose sight of the fact that you have been blessed with the best husband Congratulations For the rest of your life Every sacrifice you make is for your husband Give him the best life Congratulations She stomped off, her job was done. She had succeeded. She stood by just to make sure Mikki was walking down the aisle, and turned away as they started to their vows.

A heart full of love (He was never mine to lose) A heart full of you (Why regret what cannot be?)

A single look and then I knew I knew it too (These are words he'll never say, not to me) From today (Not to me, not for me) Every day (His heart full of love) For it isn't a dream Not a dream after all (He will never feel this way)

She was going back uphill when a little while later Hiro ran up to her. "I just wanted to thank you" he panted "I know it must have been hard" he started "Don't mention it" she hissed.

Reika You're the friend who has brought me here Thanks to you I am at one with the gods And Heaven is near! And I soar through a world that is new that is free

Every word that he says is a dagger in me! In my life There's been no one like him anywhere Anywhere, where he is If he asked I'd be his

"Are you sure you don't want to join the party?" Hiro asked cautiously.

“I don't think your wife would want your horrible, workaholic ex girlfriend to come to her dream wedding, I'll pass" Reika replied.

"Reika, you're not horrible" Hiro said "So? Doesn't matter now." "Reika you will find someone who is perfect for you."

"Spoken like a true newlywed" she snarked "And don't you dare think of trying to set me up. I don't need your pity."

Hiro chucked lightly, "You don't need anyone's pity. You were always very independent, strong, feisty. Reika, you always will be my be best friend and my partner, I do love you. Just not that way." Reika glared at the ground, refusing to say anything lest she start sobbing and begging for him to take her back. 

Why did this one boy always make her feel so special and weak? After a minute, he slowly strode away to the party, glancing back at her. 

Weeks later Reika had just arrived from Hiroshima and was logging her couples in when a brunette boy with deep, watery blue eyes stared at her from his seat behind the log book.

"Wow, 25 couples' he wolf-whistled "You're good. Best one in the book. Wha's your secret?" he asked.

"Well I have a lot of time on my hands," She shrugged.  "Can you tell me more? Oh wait I haven't even introduced myself, I'm Tadashi" he shook her hand, "Reika"

Soon she started to visit him daily, and they would talk and joke. He was funny, "So light-hearted" she thought to herself "Hiro, never was like this. So worried about his job and the fate of the world....It's nice to see a sense of humor." Erik stopped, the first time she compared Hiro with someone else........ And Hiro didn't seem so perfect. All I know is, in this moment, My past is just my past. Right now I can't help but wonder If this could be the something that will last...

Maybe she there was life after Hiro, she looked at Tadashi was staring at her eagerly, waiting for her to speak. He looked so admiringly at her. This couldn't be too bad...........

Could this be the something Could this be the something that will last?

[goldenscript]

01. falling into place

prompt: the night we shared on accident → drummer!wooseok  ↳ chapters: one | two 

pairing: jung wooseok | reader, jeon jungkook | reader genre: band au / fluff, angst  word count: 4,445

The sudden sharp bass lining the walls of the decrepit club reminded you of Jungkook’s previous ministrations that ripped you from the comforts of your bed. It was pounding, chronic like a pain, and as much as you would’ve enjoyed any nightly excursion to a place with its visitors swaying their bodies like there’s no tomorrow, you were also irritated because you shouldn’t even be awake right now. You should’ve been in bed sleeping for a good eight hours then waking up for a well-anticipated internship at the Cube, a hub for all things entertainment whether it’s music, media influencers, and best of all, (your forté), event planning. But, instead, you were here to keep your best friend company and find a band he’s been obsessing over for the past year and a half.

Any reasonable thought went beyond why Jeon Jungkook, a videogame-wielding dork with a small, very minimal talent in music would be so adamant about finding a group that has been gallivanting around the city for only two years, but you didn’t question him for his reasons. It was rare for him to find interest in anything aside from the game systems or his laptop, so the fact that he branched into melodies and bass lines was somewhat of a miracle. Whatever PTG seemed to have, he adored it. Hell, it even has him set with a goal on locating them just for a simple signing.

“Please cheer up,” Jungkook said, glancing at you with a short glass of a piña colada in hand. “I know you want to sleep, but at least pretend you’re happy to be here.”

You sipped your water defiantly as if the childish act would get your point across. You knew this meant a lot to him, this was meeting his newfound obsession after all; however, he knew how much your internship meant to you. Losing sleep for this band had better come with some new epiphany or some shit, and you didn’t doubt you’d get the information out of Jungkook. Though truthfully, you’ve long since gotten over the fact that you’d probably be a little too tired for your first day on the job. This was more of a matter of making the tall brunet feel a little more guilty just a while longer.

“Y/N,” he began to whine, setting the cup down as he fully turned towards you. When your features showed no sign of softening, he released a huff, “fine then, don’t pretend. But I’ll make it up to you, okay?”

Still, you remained indifferent.

He muttered a curse before trying something else. “What’ll it take to get you to talk? I mean you’re here now. Will you really keep this up?”

You knew you could’ve just opted to ignore this, but you broke your straight face and raised a brow at him for the question burning fresh in your mind. The latest set of the band began to dwindle into the white noise of yells and other discordance.“Why don’t you start off by telling me why the hell you’re so hellbent on coming here?” you asked, now turning toward him. “I know for a fact that missing one concert to see them wouldn’t kill you, so what’s so different about this time?”

He let out a sigh, giving a pained expression—one of obvious embarrassment and sheepishness—as he runs a hand toward the back of his hair. “You’re going to laugh.”  

“I’d like to be the judge of that.” you answered, a little too sharply but you felt relieved when he nodded his head. You had no actual clue what he was going to tell you, nor did any reasonable ideas seem to come up besides maybe asking for an autograph, what with the blank disc in the CD case in hand. But it was an odd conclusion considering you never pegged him as this kind of fan, especially not for PTG. Maybe Big Bang or something.  

As you continued to look at him in wait, he looked away to take another swig of his drink before continuing, “Fine, fine.” He took a breath, meeting your eyes with a nervous glint before saying, “I’m here to drop off a demo.”

You blinked, repeating, “A demo?” Never in your life had you ever heard Jungkook utter anything about a demo. It was something outside of your knowledge considering his usual expertise was always in graphics.

He nodded, “A demo.”

You had to ask, “For?”

His anticipating brows furrowed into ones that of incredulity, even his lips forming a small ‘o’ as he said, “Are you serious?” When you nodded in slight exasperation, he continued without even trying to hide his matter-of-factly tone, “My music.”

“Are you serious?” you asked, brows raised. This was definitely the first you had ever heard of him doing anything of that sort. You were certain that his interest in music was for listening, maybe dabble in producing his own tracks for personal use, not producing or writing lyrics as an actual career. “Are you actually Jeon Jungkook, gaming dork extraordinaire? Future programmer? Or is the real you trapped in the Netherworld?”

He guffawed, shaking his head at you. His features never faltered with amusement, however. “You’re being ridiculous, you know that right? I do like things away from games, like music, y’know. And programming’s everyone else’s expectations...”

“You’ve never shown interest in it until now.” you pointed out. With the smile on his lips, you couldn’t help but return his. Damn your bunny smile.

“Are you still mad?” You weren’t even close to mad. Just curious and kind of confused that he hadn’t spoken of this little dream of his before until now.  

“Is that why you left me?” You groaned, sending a flick to his forehead and relishing in the yelp he released, “Do you feel bad for keeping your best friend up when she has her dream job tomorrow?”

He frowned slightly, rubbing his forehead as he replied, “Of course I do! And I promise to make it up to you for coming with me to this, y’know!”

You had no doubt he’d probably bring you coffee tomorrow or even help you with some of the tasks you might have to do if it involved menial labor, even if he was bound to do these things anyway. Still, you asked, “How do you plan on making it up to me?”

He started listing things off with his fingers, “Free coffee, free labor, oh! And a free spot to tour with me when I hit it off.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, knowing that even in feigned anger against him, he was still your best friend. Even though Jungkook hardly seemed like the musical type, you weren’t surprised with the talent he had in his voice. On the rare occasions, he let you listen, you never wanted him to stop. So, with a resigned sigh and shove sent to his shoulder, you said, “Well, I expect all three of those things then—oh!”

From behind him you could see the crowd beginning to look on towards the stage, a little quieter now that the lead singer was saying something. The blond was looking on towards the rest of the bar with swimming eyes beneath the rather bright spotlight. Sweat glistened at the edge of his visage and the last thing you caught from him was a simple expression of gratitude.  

“What?” Ignoring Jungkook’s full-blown eyes, you gestured toward the stage where the total of five men stood on the stage. All of which were already giving a bow, each varying in different sizes (most notably the drummer who seemed to tower over everyone else). Besides him were a bassist with dark locks and a look that could, in other words, kill if literal speaking, two guitarists (one had a regal vibe while the other was most definitely pretty boy with his hair swept aside and the sleeves of his T-shirt very much nonexistent to showcase his well-defined arms), and the lead singer up front with a grin poised on his plump pink lips that you wouldn’t have suspected being in a rock band. “Oh!”

Your best friend’s eyes met yours with urgency, immediately standing as if he were about to run in past the stage and wherever the rest of the members had gone. You wouldn’t be surprised if he had, so you locked a firm grip on his wrist and gave it a shake.

“You’re not leaving me after dragging me out here, you dummy!” you huffed, watching him observe the crowd beginning to disperse. A select few lingered around the back exit, but you were determined to keep your best friend from completely embarrassing himself. He already left you at the beginning of the night, so seeing him go again was just going to rekindle that same irritation of yours from earlier.

“But, my demo—!”

You gave a huge sigh before heaving him into place at the bar, shooting an adjacent bystander and apologetic look when Jungkook managed to knock into them just a little.

“Don’t be so desperate! You gave them your number while you gave them the demo didn’t you?” You raised a brow at him, realizing you had been holding onto him for too long so you dropped it almost immediately.

He was about to retort before his open mouth shut and his eyes widened once again. Before you could ask him, he just replied, “Fuck. I—I don’t remember.”

“What?” you said sharply against the piercing bass reverberating from the walls. You’re almost certain he hadn’t heard you for a moment but the sudden trance he was under broke. His gaze is trained back on yours with something akin to determination and apology. You repeated, a little more deadpan this time, “What?”

“I’m serious! I don’t remember!” His voice rose about an octave and his eyes began to wildly search for an opening within the crowd. You followed you gaze, only getting lost in the sea of bodies that had seemed to find their way within the center of the vicinity. Their close proximities created a distinct stench of sweat and intermingled with stale beer, only causing your stomach to drop further into your stomach because a moment has barely passed until Jungkook has risen from his spot.

“If you think you’re leaving me behind again,” you emphasized with a glare. Not that there was any particular malice or anything, you just wanted him to understand. “Then I should retract this friendship.” Before he could protest, you said without an ounce of doubt between the blaring beats, “I’m going too, dummy.”

He didn’t protest, looking even more grateful than ever and remarked, “How did I get this lucky to have you as a best friend?”

“Don’t flatter me, Jeon.” You laughed, rolling your eyes in the process. For good measure, you even smiled as you said, “Just get me coffee for the week and we can call this shit even.”  

He ruffled the top of your hair with that bunny smile of his and replied, “Alright. It’s a deal then.” Ignoring your whines, he looked beyond the crowd in search of any familiar faces. It went beyond you how he knew from the dim lighting or the numerous faces that seemed to crowd the entire area, but he looked back at you with determination singed in his dark hues. “I’ll take the backstage area, do you mind taking the back room?”

You nodded, feeling a surge of your own determination because as much as you wanted to complain about being dragged out here tonight, you were also extremely proud of Jungkook for wanting to do something that made him this passionate. It was a far cry from most of the combinations he took a few hours to learn or even his sudden research on the inner workings of computers not too long ago either.

Although you looked over at the back room area with an odd pit growing in your stomach and the sudden steeled nerves at the sight of the small growth of fangirls, you told Jungkook you would be fine before he darted deep into the crowd and hopped onto the stage and went behind the curtains where Hyunwoo probably awaited.

From the sight of the guard by the back room, you had a hope that Hyunsik was in to give you a chance at reaching the back room or at least to pass along Jungkook’s phone number. It’s a feat, of course, between getting shoved by the fans and shoving them right back, you managed to make it past the crowd with little to no scratches and pass the message onto your blond friend before you’re making your way back to the bar.

The messages you sent to Jungkook about accomplishing your dead have gone unsent and even the call you tried didn’t go through. It’s been a half-hour since you two last reconvened and you can feel the sudden high that was enthralling your body beginning to slowly crash.

The seats you once occupied had gone untouched by others, but you catch the unruly sight of dark locks and the hunched over shoulders of the man that you’ve been trying to get a hold of occupying the one beside it and you could feel your spirits pick up.

“There you are!” You pushed down onto his shoulders and gave his head a light smack for good measure, “I’ve been looking all over for you, brat. Did you talk to them about your demo—oh fuck!”

Plopping down onto your seat, you came to two grueling revelations: 1) the man you just smacked was not your best friend and 2) the man was the fucking drummer. And to say the least, your widened eyes or your slightly dropped down lips couldn’t have made your embarrassment even worse.

With a lopsided grin curved on his lips, he replied as he rubbed the sore spot on his head, “I take it I’m not the brat you were looking for.”

You shook your head, immediately apologizing. Out of all the damn things you had to do today, it was assault the one man that was in the band you were dragged out to see.

In response, he extended a hand to you, “S’fine, I’m Wooseok.”

You took it and cringed at yourself, god you idiot, “I’m Y/N. And also very very very sorry. You just look scarily a lot like my best friend from behind.”

“So, scarily good looking then?” He cracked a grin, watching as your features melted from flushed embarrassment to immediate exasperation.

Letting go of his hand, you said with a roll of your eyes, “Apparently you both have the same big ego too.”

“Ouch—actually double ouch,” he said whilst clutching his chest and his head. “To think I thought you were a cute girl who meant no actual harm…”

You opened your mouth to retort and stopped yourself, your immediate question leaving your lips: “Did you just say I was cute?”

“U-uh, well, yeah!” he said with a smile still adorned on his lips and a steady bloom of pink flushed across his cheekbones. It was cute to see him a little flustered, because compared to his stage presence, the difference was exponential. You remembered seeing him up on stage and enjoyed the way he rocked to his own music. There was an aura about Wooseok that reminded you of Jungkook when a fire ignited in his eyes despite all else, even the embarrassment tinging his visage, that struck you. It wasn’t any normal kind, it was like it spoke its own volumes and you wanted keep listening.

“Shy?” you mused, turning toward him and leaning against the edge of the counter. “I promise I don’t bite.”

He rose a brow at you, “And how would I know that, Miss Y/N? We just met.”

“True…” You nodded thoughtfully, the smile curved on your lips still growing, “However, you can continue to get to know me if that’s what you’re up for.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged his shoulders. “Depends on if you’re gonna smack me again. I don’t think my manager or Hui would be very happy if I sustained a brain injury.”

“Oops?”

His eyes narrowed playfully, “Or was that your plan to get your friend a spot in the band?”

“Okay, Jungkook may be trying to be a rockstar but you can rest assured that he did not think that far ahead.” You laughed, running a hand through your hair. “And, anyway, I lost that punk about a half-hour ago and he’s supposed to be my escort home so please lemme know where he is so I can at least go home knowing he’s somewhere safe before scheduling a proper ass kicking for him.”

“Oh, you’re going?” he asked, sounding a little disappointed but you were certain that it was probably the bar’s music wearing down your eardrums.

“I mean I’d love to stay but I have this internship tomorrow and I’d rather not go in completely sleep-deprived. Can you just pass on the message to Jungkook for me? I think the reception here is just shit and I’ve been trying to get a hold of him for like an hour and I refuse to go back into that crowd.”

“Yeah, but are you sure you can get home by yourself?” he asked, tilting his head at you. “I mean it’s obviously not my business but I’d hate it if something happened to you on your way back.”

“It’s usually a safe trek, but if it gives you some peace of mind you wanna walk me then?”

“Really?” His eyes had gone wide, but you could see the happiness in them.

You nodded, rising from your spot. It’s rare for you to extend such a risky invitation to someone but you feel the care flying past your head and the sense of adventure settling in. He was cute so why the hell not?

A grin curved on your lips as you took a few steps backwards as if to beckon him forth.

“I mean… you wanted to get to know me right?”

Waking the next morning by the sudden screeching of your alarm had you jumping out of bed within a blink of an eye. You immediately got ready and started your trek toward the Cube, which wasn’t that far from the bar that Jungkook had dragged you to. And at the sudden recollection of your best friend, you were ready to smack yourself over the head and check your messages when the thought of last night brought back the thoughts of Wooseok.

The last thing you expected was him taking you up on your offer, his own meager steps stepped forth and followed you out the double doors. The two of you relished in the fresh air, trudging through the quaint streets with the occasional passersby glancing at the two of you sideways giggling over everything and absolutely nothing.

Passing the streets the two of you had crossed, you remembered the conversations that you two exchanged and a warmth began to constrict your heart.

“What’s that internship for anyway?” he asked with his arms folded behind his head, taking slightly smaller steps to match yours.

“The Cube,” you answered, almost dreamily. “It’s been my dream to plan events for them and I got the opportunity so I’m really fucking stoked.”

His brows rose for a moment, eyes flashing with something that of recognition but you paid little attention to it as you watched him speak, “Well, congrats. Live your dream~”

You nodded, grinning to yourself, “Thanks. You and me both, right? You love music?”

His head bobbed up and down vigorously, even his hands dropped to move as he spoke, “It’s something different compared to most things I guess. Not a lot of people see a point to it, but I love music so much. It’s something that’s gotten me through a lot, so being able to make a career out of it, share my experiences with others, and even travel with four other guys that’re basically my brothers is fucking…. Just… it’s amazing.”  

“Event planning feels like that for me,” you admitted. “It’s nothing like creating a whole damn album but it’s putting all these pieces together and watch it culminate into something wonderful. I remember planning events for student council and I actually had a blast doing all that shit and sharing it with my friends y’know?”

“I get that. The process is probably my favorite.”

You looked up at him, immediately lighting up. It was the first time you heard someone enjoy the process, so you couldn’t help but give him a nudge with your hip. When he looked over at you in confusion, you grinned, “It’s my favorite too.”

The whole thing felt too begrudgingly short, making you wish it had lasted longer because you actually enjoyed your time with him and getting to know him. He was a sweet guy who was passionate about his music and seeing that kind of interest was refreshing. It wasn’t like Jungkook wasn’t the same way, but the difference was one of them was your best friend and the other was like a newfound door in the metaphorical hedge of relationships in life. As comfortable as you’ve been strolling with your best friend, you liked having that other option especially when he seemed to share your same interests.

Glancing over at the familiar incandescent streetlights, you easily made out the familiar shape of your apartment with a slight heaviness in your chest. “Well, this is my stop,” you said with a now half-smile.

“Really?” he asked, looking visibly disappointed beneath the incandescent streetlights. “Damn… I was having a lot of fun.”

“Yeah… me too.” You relinquished a sigh, standing in front of the complex in uncertainty. “Do you think… maybe we could exchange numbers? I’d like to keep getting to know you.”

“Oh yeah!” He nodded, passing you his cellphone while you did the same. Your heart was hammering but your brain seemed to express its gratefulness at your sudden thinking. At the least, you two could have this and see where things could go from there.

As you received your cellphone from him, he sent you a wink and said, “I hope we see more of each other soon.”

He sent a wave your wave despite the confusion knitted between your brows and you went in to chase the remaining hours of sleep you could muster.

Although the last exchange you two shared was nothing short of confusing, you still couldn’t seem to conceive a theory to what he meant. How could you see him soon? Was he still gonna be in town? You were sure that Jungkook had told you they were going to be on tour all other the metropolitan area.

Speaking of which, you had messaged the dark-haired bunny-like boy to update him on your current progress and asked him how the rest of his night had gone. The unsent messages all now deleted as you made your way into the periwinkle and grey building, waiting by the desk with a sudden spike of adrenaline pumping through your veins.

The young man flashed you a smile, handing you a badge with your name and submitted photo before following him into the main office. From the corner of your eye, you caught a flash of a tall, lanky boy who you could spot anywhere now that he was so deeply pressed into the forefronts of your mind. But as soon as he caught sight of you, he gave a small shake of his head and pointed at the office doors with his eyes.

Oh, you felt your heart sank just a little. And it sank even further when the man in charge advised you against any romantic interactions with any of the celebrities in the office, especially the ones of the rise. Now I get it.

When you saw him again, you only flashed a polite smile and went on doing your assigned tasks for the day. At the least, one of the perks to event planning meant that all the menial tasks could distract you. God only knows you needed it now more than ever.

Your phone vibrated against your pocket as you enjoyed your lunch. Without thinking you read the message, feeling an odd weight settling over you. A smile crept on your visage and it made the weight in your stomach feel even heavier.

[11:40 AM] woo: Hey, sorry about that… company rules suck but it’s good seeing you again. (:

Despite everything in you telling you to ignore it and forget about him if this was against the rules, you wrote back:

[11:42 AM] you: Hey! It’s okay (: how are you?

Immediately afterwards, you received a response from Jungkook:

[11:42 AM] gukster: things went well! I might even be able to get signed!!! Got a meeting in a few days. Thank you so much for coming w/ me ((((:

[11:43 AM] gukster: btw you ok? I heard abt the company rules from hui & i def heard abt you and drummer boy

You replied, letting out a sigh because it was true:

[11:43 AM] you: it’s not like we’re dating anyway. It’s no biggie! And i’m really happy for u!!!! Take me on tour ok?

[11:44 AM] gukster: how about a lunch date? Jin’s sound good? My treat~~~

With a smile, you sent him an affirmation before rising from your spot in the backroom to leave. A part of you feeling slightly better. 

It felt silly to feel a little down about the situation and perhaps you didn’t understand why Wooseok hadn’t brought it up to you earlier when you mentioned it last night, but you could understand if he really didn’t want that to change anything in the moment.

As you looked up to push open the door, you caught sight of Wooseok smiling at you. Without anyone else around, he freely said, “Oh hey, Y/N! You wanna get lunch with me and the guys?”

You flashed him a tight-lipped smile, “can I get a raincheck? I have plans already!”

“Ah.” His features dimmed ever-so-slightly, “That’s fine. Next time right?”

You nodded, already walking as you said over your shoulder, “Yeah, maybe. I’ll see ya!”

At the least, you could see Jungkook without worrying about jeopardizing anyone else’s job. You just wish it hadn’t left you feeling so heavy hearted as you did so. If anything, it made you walk even faster out those doors.