#if anything was a slog or a struggle i put it down

[axeknee]

Well I stopped reading for a little bit to focus more on other things but I did really enjoy it, as well as making art of it. So here's the list of books I read, in order, as part of my incomplete bucket list (read 50, 100, 500 books) that I will try to make art of eventually, with completed art marked *

1. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes* by Suzanne Collins

2. The Cure for Dreaming by Cat Winters

3. The Chalk Man* by C. J. Tudor

4. The Incarnations* by Susan Barker

5. The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor

6. The Girl With All The Gifts* by M. R. Carey

7. Apt Pupil by Stephen King

8. A Marvellous Light* by Freya Marske

9. Shawshank Redemption* by Stephen King

10. Witchmark* by C. L. Polk

11. Hollow Kingdom by Kira Jane Buxton

12. The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon

13. The Need by Helen Phillips

14. The History of Mischief by Rebecca Higgie

15. Gallowglass by S. J. Morden

16. Prince of Fools by Mark Lawrence

17. Piranesi by Susanna Clarke

18. Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao

19. Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

20. The Liar's Key by Mark Lawrence

21. The Wheel of Osheim by Mark Lawrence

22. Silver In The Wood by Emily Tesh

23. Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer

[threepandas]

Bad End: Soldier A

I'm pretty sure you know the story. Everybody does. Chosen Hero, Demon King, they fight, save the day, yada yada. Everybody supposedly lives happily ever after. Everything sunshine and roses. Puppies and farting rainbows. But... but it's NOT.

It's really fucking NOT.

I used to love reading stories like that. They were escapism. Grand adventures in a terrible, grey, slowly crushing hellscape of a world. But... but, FUCK. At least there weren't drauger! No demon wolves or skeleton soldiers! Or the FUCKING little flying bastards. God. I HATE those ones the most.

They have sharp, needle-y little claws and teeth like a SHARK fucked a TREE THRESHER. And they scream. Just... yowl and yowl in this ear splitting high pitch like they're trying to DEAFEN you ON TOP of trying to rip you apart.

That life was peaceful.

I was a fool to wish for anything else.

I am not the Chosen One. I'm not even a supporting character. I remember this bullshit little yarn, and I? Am NO WHERE fucking in it. I am just... just some rando, in this struggle of demons and Gods. The child of Some Dude. We... we had chickens. Fat, happy, lil hens.

I remember being ENTRANCED. I had lived all my life, before, in suburban sprawl. So chickens? Strutting around and chasing bugs? Tiny me was hypnotized.

It saved my life.

I half wish it didn't, some days.

That I died, sudden and without the chance to truely comprehend, along side my family. That my neighbors eldest hadn't seen me by the coop. Grabbed me desperately as he ran for his life. Our entire FUCKING village...

There were six survivors.

I was one of them.

And it's... it's all just? FLAVOR TEXT for the Chosen One's tale of Glory. A reason for why she's so NEEDED. So BELOVED. Look how AWESOME she is! Saintess, because when are they NOT? Hero, because it's all about HER. A god damned LOVE STORY thrown in, because THAT'S important, while people are suffering! Dying!

Are? You? KIDDING ME!?

Legends speak of a "Hero's Party". I know damn well it's true. That it WILL succeed. But FUCK that. FUCK waiting for her to "be ready"! To gather allies and turn from some sheltered little rose, into the warrior we ACTUALLY NEED. It's my world too. I was the one who had to help dig out survivors! Tend to the wounded! Fight off swarms! Hold back the dead!

I...! I was the one who had to LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYE and... AND-!

B-Because sometimes? SOMETIMES?! Those bites DON'T HEAL. Can't heal! They are filled with so much demonic power, that the only thing they CAN do is corrupt. Fester. Poison. Sometimes you're already DEAD and nothing short of the oh so precious SAINTESS could possibly save you.

But she's not HERE... is she?

So you have a choice.

If you're lucky? It's JUST a limb. A chunk of flesh. But more often then not... well... The lucky ones have time to say goodbye. The unlucky ones get to be twisted and used against their friends. Their family's. And if you care. If you CARE AT ALL? You put them down before that happens.

Because they wouldn't want that.

It... it feeds a HATE in me. An ANGER.

No, that's not right... it's more like? It feeds...

A RAGE.

An ugly, burning thing. That's hollowed out my chest. Wrapped around my bones. Fueled by the memories of every innocent I failed to save. By the fear and the suffering, that just keeps dragging on and on and ON. An endless slog that seems designed to break men down. Destroy us.

I feel like it's killing the humanity in me. The kindness I once had. Like I am burning away everything but purpose. And will have nothing left when I am done. IF I am ever done. It... it used to scare me.

Now I am to angry, too tired, to be afraid.

Let me die. I do not CARE. So long as I TAKE THEM WITH ME. Burn them ALL. My brothers in arms, my sisters of war, those that fight and fight and FIGHT? They feel the same. We didn't fucking WAIT. Refused to watch the slaughter. Gaining ground only to lose it, losing ground only to claw it back.

Holding the line.

We can't actually KILL him. We know that. Only the Saintess can actually fucking END this nightmare. But his monsters? Those still fall too steel. And if we are to die regardless, why NOT in defense of our homes?

We've managed to push a path, deep into the Demonic lands. A spear point to stab the heart of HIS damned empire. We... we can hold it. MUST hold it. At all costs. For that flimsy, weak willed, half trained NITWIT of a child. So when she FINALLY gets off her ass and stops making goo-goo eyes at her trainers? She can come and finish the job.

Then get crowned queen of forever or something.

I don't know, I don't CARE. I'm going to buy some damn chickens. Fill a yard with them. Honor my parents and be the best damn farmer this world has ever SEEN.

Another crash against our shields. Screams as someone's arm breaks. As someone else is savaged through a crack in our barrier, as something probably gives. I slam my spear forward. Vital point. Vital point. Ignore the strain. The way your arm feels like a giant is stepping on it. Like some is trying to rip the shield from your grip. Hold... HOOOOLD!

Go for the eyes. Aim for the throat. Kidneys. Arteries, arteries, heart! The spear is wretched from my grip. I shout for another. Reach blindly, trusting my countrymen. I feel the grip of another one pressed into my hand. I slam my spear forward.

The fight goes on.

For hours.

It was some sort of ape-bear chimera things this time. But bigger and with spikes. No ones quite sure if they're in the "fucked up monstrosities" book yet. I'M certainly too dead on my feet to check. I sit an eat some fucking soup. Mmmmm, rations soup. Technically edible! My favorite flavor.

In the distance, sits the Demon King's fancy ass doom castle.

Any closer? And HE might be inspired to actually "deal" with us. I can't wait for the day it-An explosion of noise from the command tent. Everyone's heads whip around to stare, alarmed. But... but that didn't sound... BAD shouting. It takes us a long, long moment. It had honestly been YEARS since some of us had HEARD such a noise. But...?

W...was that?

Excitement?

I passed off my soup to a newbie. He honestly needed it more anyway. Told him to eat. Then got up and headed for command. Something was happening. As I got close, the flap was all but ripped open. A commander, actually? Smiling!? What the fresh hell?

A commander looking for someone. Spots me. Waves me over and in. I jog over. The tent is practically HUMMING with excitement. And there, on the tabke with the war map? Is an old, OLD dagger. Very... magical girl, in design. Flourishes, sparkling, and lovely dispite being what must be... what, centuries old? Worn to hell and back? What IS that?

It's the weapon of a previous Chosen One.

A Holy Blade.

Holy Shit. HOW. Where?! Where AND HOW!? I thought the royal family snapped all those fuckers up too show off! If not them, the Temple! I'm met with seni-hysterical laughs of disbelief.

A PRIEST stole it.

Nearly DIED doing so. Temple's probably FURIOUS. Gonna come to get it BACK, most likely. We're gonna have to move FAST. We're gonna only get ONE chance at this. I nod. Ready for whatever command needs me to do. Hold off some holy knights? Punch a priest? I'll get... SUPER excommunicated, but? Fuck it. If it saves lives.

No.

No they need me to wield the blade. I'm sorry?? WHAT.

It's apparently Maiden Locked. Fucking... Maidens Only! Got lucky? No holy weapon for you! Married but a virgin? Weaponless! Oh, fffffuck yooooou, creepy perv deities. There are LIVES ON THE LINE, in this, a GOD DAMNED WAR, and you LOCK the import weapons behind "mint condition pu-"!!!

The commander cuts of my, frankly, VERY understandable rant.

Hands on my shoulders. Looks me in the eyes. Will I Do This? I would have to take the knife and sneak behind enemy lines. Into the demon kings castle. And try to get the jump on him. NO ONE would be able to go after me. Help WOULD NOT be coming. If I fail... that's it. Game over. The demons would have me.

I laugh.

It is... not a cheerful sound. Not like it once was.

Is it even a choice? Of course I am. Frankly? I hope it hurts. I hope it's slow. Hurts every second and feels like eons. That he BURNS from the inside out. I'm gonna make him EAT IT.

Waiting until night would be suicide. They get stronger at night. Can blend in to the shadows. But they're cocky. They won't expect an attack just before that. So twilight is when I'll strike. Afternoon, when I head out. I... I leave my gear behind. Say my goodbyes.

I'm not the Chosen One.

Just some farmer's daughter with a grudge.

It don't think I'll be making it back. Don't really expect to even succeed. But by the gods... I plan to HURT him. Every piece we chip away, is one the soul behind us doesn't have to fight. I do this not for me. But for the child who will never know the FEAR that I did.

I will die so they don't have too.

The castle is dark. Humming with power I can FEEL but can not understand. Grand and sweeping architecture. Great windows that should let in far more light then they do. A blood red carpet upon bone white floors. The walls are black. It... some how merely stepping inside, seems to suck all color but red from the world. All heat.

I see no one here.

But I hear whispers.

I tighten my grip around the weapon. The only thing that feels WARM. These hallways are designed to make you feel small, I can tell at a glance. I refuse to give in. I am a farmer. A soldier. I do not CARE about your damn castle! I dig deep into my memories, keeping to the walls, and try to remember where the hero found her foe.

I trace the path in my head. Cut out the lost wandering as best I can. Right slightly, then forward, I think. If I am wrong, I can double back. Follow the book's path exactly. I move slow. As quite as I can.

Still... I find no one.

No servants, no gaurds, no resistance of any kind. Something like fear sighs like a specter down my spine, cold and vague. Something is not right. I do not let down my gaurd... but the longer it persists? The worse my paranoia grows.

Finally. The throne room. Magnificent beyond measure, in blood red and monochrome. Rare touches of gold glint and catch the eye. Stained glass giving it all a surreal scene from high above. The runner at my feet plush enough to render my foot steps silent. It is red... so very, very red.

The Demon King leans against one fist, resting on his throne, magnificent and beautiful like a statue brought to life. Carved of pale ivory and obsidian. Just as feeling as stone. A monster. Living testament that what's inside counts most of all. For inside him? Is nothing but a void. A malicious PIT.

I will see him dead.

On silent feet, I sneak forward. Only to freeze at the foot of the stairs to his dais, my eyes locked on his face. Horror seeps through me.

An amused smirk.

"Oh don't stop NOW, you're so close." Breaks the silence. Golden eyes open, lazy and entertained. "By all means. Try."

My grip on the dagger felt almost painful, for how hard I was gripping it. He... he wasn't even bothering to move. Didn't even see me as a threat. F..Fine. Fine then! If it was a mistake on his part or NOT, I would TAKE IT. Any chance. Any chance at ALL.

The pressure of that gaze felt immense. But I tilted my head up, put my shoulders back, and moved. One step. Then another. Up the stairs. Onto the dais. Forward, slowly. I paused, just beyond his immediate reach. Not that it was anything like real safety. I stared. Shaking. Knowing I was shaking and unable to stop.

He sat splayed. Reclined and leaning against his fist, robes rich and arranged just so. The very picture of indolent decadence. It was deceptive. I KNEW it was. A trap. But to get too him... I had to step closer. My eyes moved from the splay of his legs back up to his face. His smirk had grown teeth. I... I refused to run. I would finish this.

I stepped forward. Between his long legs, feeling distinctly like I was balanced over a bear trap, and lifted the dagger. I refused to hesitate. Wait to see if he changed his mind. I slammed it forward. Right through his heart. Glaring, as I looked him right in the eyes. The blade HISSED. Like acid meeting stone.

He laughed.

Grin full of unhinged glee, a vice in the shape of a hand clamped around my wrist, and the world SPUN. I slammed against the floor, the Demon King straddling me, at the foot of his thrown. He loomed. Behind him, above me, shown a magnificent window the lit him from behind. Like a halo.

"You didn't even HESITATE. You'd rip my heart out, if you could. Wouldn't you?" He says. Almost an whisper, nearly a groan, filthy with something that terrifies me and shouldn't BE there. "I KNEW I sensed something. KNEW you were out there."

I desperately try to push the knife deeper. Use everything I can to... to just-!

All I want... All I NEED? Is to see it come out the fucking OTHER SIDE. Please. Gods, PLEASE! End this! I'm gritting my teeth. Snarling. This BASTARD. I HATE him! I HATE HIM!

"Ah~ That's it, little one." He groans. Not even bothering to hide that he's apparently getting off on this. I'll kill him. I'll FUCKING KILL HIM! "Good~, that's right. Just like that. Give IN~♡ I'll take SUCH good care of you. I've always wanted a little pet. Focus it all on me. Give it ALL to me~"

My brain feels like it's on fire. My lungs filled with ash and flame. I hate. I hate and hate and HATE! I can't think. Something is... wrong? Wrong! The blade hurts to hold. Like it's rejecting me. No. NO! I HAVE TO KILL HIM! I may not be the Chosen One but-!

It finally becomes too much. The pain of holding the blade out weighing my hate. It's like ACID. My hand spasming away like I was trying to touch a hot stove. My palm is an ugly red. Wounded.

In one fluid movement, my wrist is released, the blade pulled free, tossed aside, and my wrist recaptured, before I can claw his fucking eyes out. I grit my teeth. Fangs grinding togeth-... wait.... what?

I stare at my hand.

At the black talon like nails where normal nails were, just this morning. And feel... horror. My... my teeth feel weird. My eyes hurt. Sides of my head too.

"Got you~"

He throws his head back in a triumphant laugh. The sound echoing like a nightmare. Even as I watch, the pigment of my skin is changing. Draining away to something even. Something almost too pale. Unnatural.

"I'm so glad you've decided to join me, darling." My hands are slammed down on either side of my head. His face inches from my. Eyes burning with something terrible. "I haven't had a bride in SO long~ following your progress has been FASCINATING. And now! Oh little thing, I get to KEEP you all to myself. Make you GOOD for me. Learn every inch of you. You should be excited, darling~"

"I'm going to make you a Queen."

[bonefall]

what’s up with BB! Puddleshine? been having thoughts about him recently lol. i find it funny that rowanstar grabbed this random child from the nursery and was like ‘bam here’s our brand new doctor and spiritual leader everyone’

(*shaking twelve year old in the background*)

You know what's pretty cool about AVoS, buried underneath the slog of it all? The thing I keep going back to about this arc, in spite of how annoying it is to be forced to say in ThunderClan as everything interesting happens off-screen?

The way that so, so many young warriors are horrifically traumatized by both the structure of the Clans, and the Kin that they turn to.

It's a shame that the Erins were so committed to the idea of the Clan social structure NOT being the problem, because this whole arc is a perfect time to show how flawed it structurally is. LET these kids have a point, that maybe they were rebelling against something broken, but Darktail was a malicious actor who exploited their naivety to serve HIS ends.

A recap of what's happening in BB!AvoS before I explain my intentions with the Puddy Boy;

The big problem that I want Rowanstar to display is a problem that ALL the leaders of this time period also have. Commitment to Clan rivalry.

After Firestar was killed in AVoS by Dark Forest warriors, Bramblestar considers diplomacy secondary as a tactic. "ThunderClan will not be bullied any longer. We have been too soft with the other Clans for too long; and they have humiliated us by taking advantage of our kindness." (Note: Harespring and Breezepelt being part of the assassination patrol is not revealed until TBC. For MAXIMUM drama reveal.)

He escalated a border dispute that Firestar had worked closely and intimately with ShadowClan to resolve; a fight for a knoutberry patch on their border, just before Winter.

After Russetfur died in this painful battle, Blackstar backslid hard from his redemption arc. This caused the Thunder/Shadow alliance to dissolve towards the end of OotS, ending a friendship between the two Clans that had lasted through all of Po3.

He was open to Sol's manipulation, and while Tawnypelt was trying to fight the Dark Forest trainees who took over ShadowClan in the meantime... Rowanclaw became deputy by organizing a patrol of cats to remind Blackstar how much he means to them.

So Rowanstar inherits the Clan with this in mind. ShadowClan solves SHADOWCLAN'S problems. "ThunderClan had a quarrel with WindClan, but decided that we were their enemy. Leaving ourselves open for betrayal was a mistake; if we cannot handle our own problems, we will inevitably succumb to them when our so-called 'allies' don't come to help." (Note: he isn't completely wrong. His words are borderline prophetic for what's about to happen.)

Onestar has a smug chuckle at this. Since taking leadership, he's been appealing to the strongest, hardest members of his Clan. Those who once tried to kill him for his "weakness" in the Civil War. The "lesson" ShadowClan learned is one that he's known since the day Onewhisker died and Onestar was born, on the night of that sabotaged muirburn. "That so-called peace was always a farce. We are warriors of the four Clans; it was always going to come down to honor, and putting ourselves first. My WindClan isn't foolish enough to pretend like ThunderClan ever acted in anything but their own, hidden self-interest."

And Mistystar respects the direction Bramblestar has taken his Clan in, and approves of the "honesty" that the Clans are now showing. "As the branches of the honeysuckle fight and win the light for themselves, sometimes there are beautiful flowers that die in the shade. We can mourn the end of an era, and prepare for a future that will be made all the sweeter for our shared struggle. This is the way of the Clans, and StarClan's solemn light shines upon us all." (Note: god I love writing Misty's speeches)

In the family tree reworkings, Rowanstar is now the brother of Littlecloud. Sons of Brokenstar, honor-sired for Newtspeck.

Littlecloud... is suffering from early onset Alzheimer's.

He didn't want to choose an apprentice after Flametail's horrible death, heartbroken and stressed out, especially when he couldn't reach his nephew through contact with StarClan.

He can't remember, anymore, that Flametail was freed. He keeps forgetting this, over and over

He keeps ending up in different times of his life, where he's best friends with Cinderpelt and still calling Leafpool by her pre-Honor Title name, where he's inventing a mobility device for Wildfur, where he's still escaping the plague and before he knew his mentor caused it, where he's on the Great Journey...

Rowanstar is in a lot of pain, watching his brother forget so many things, scared and confused half the time. He doesn't want to believe that this is really the end, or that... many of these cats are now so young they can't recognize the various eras that Littlecloud is finding himself in.

Puddleshine and Slatefur are going to remain in Pinenose's litter. Either Lion or Birch MIGHT get shuffled to another one; and ALSO the shuffler might survive the Kin. (SO voice which one you want to survive, if you have a preference!)

SO, Violetshine has either two or three adopted siblings... plus another.

Pinenose's oldest surviving child is Happypaw. Happy is the half-sibling of Puddle/Slate-- the death of Weaselkit in the Great Battle caused his parents (Pinenose and Owlclaw) to break up.

(this is why I'm thinking about just reducing the litter to Puddle/Slate, so Violet has three major adoption-siblings to remember instead of four.)

And now we're ready to talk about Puddleshine.

He isn't the first young cat to be shoved into an extremely high-pressure position because of a Cleric becoming incapacitated. Kestrelflight was also forced to become the holy speaker of his people when he was far, far too young, after Barkface died in TNP. He dealt with this obediently, with only Jayfeather ever really being able to get him to think about it in a different light.

Unlike Kestrel, Puddlekit did voice that he was interested in becoming a Cleric, in BB. But he was too young to be properly making that choice, to know what he was getting into. He mentioned it practically offhandedly, and BOOM Rowanstar had rolled him into the position.

But Puddlepaw has a deep sense of responsibility. "Wise beyond his years"-- likely because of how tumultuous his home life was.

His mother's oldest child, Happypaw, was openly a bully of his half-siblings. Pinenose distanced herself from him as a result, causing Happy to be closer to Owlclaw, who was still not over Weaselkit's death.

But Puddle's Ba Spikefur is not a cat who handles his kit's emotions well. Instead, he encourages ambition, tells him to get back at his half-sibling by being more influential than that twerp could ever be.

Puddle will often go to Violet, the new POV, to vent about these things.

And one thing he mentions to her is how amazing Kestrelflight is, when he gets to meet him at the half-moon conferences. He learns SO MUCH from him, it's like he GETS what he's going through...

Puddle doesn't even feel sure that Littlecloud knows what he's doing anymore. If he's learning the right information at all.

But Rowanstar won't DO anything about Littlecloud-- and he CERTAINLY isn't about to let Puddlepaw go train under someone else's Cleric.

As a result of this, Puddlepaw becomes a VERY important member of Sleekpaw's little group. He wasn't one of their friends to begin with, buuuuut...

When he sits to chat with Sleekpaw and Needlepaw, with Happypaw good and far out of earshot, she makes a lot of sense.

A LOT of it.

ShadowClan is run by old men who don't know what they're doing. Rowanstar is too emotional to make good choices. Puddlepaw, barely even old enough to begin apprenticeship, is running all the medicine for an entire Clan.

And, sure, he doesn't have much in the way of a connection to StarClan, no, just a little more spiritual than the average cat...

But who can point this out? If Littlecloud is slowly losing his mind anyway?

"It's not right, how much pressure's on you," Sleekpaw growls, "And it wouldn't be this way if we could challenge Rowanstar. You should be training with Kestrelflight right now."

"But we're dealing with the shells StarClan dealt, and the Clan is looking to you now," Needlepaw points out on behalf of her friend, "You have much more sway than you know."

This time around for BB, Sleekpaw starts as a young hero. She's right. Rowanstar should be challenged, his emotions are affecting the ENTIRE Clan, and Puddlepaw is in a bad position because of it. Needlepaw is like her best diplomat, surely to become her deputy someday.

They would have made an excellent set of leaders for ShadowClan. But they trusted the wrong person, and were exploited. When Darktail and The Kin came to the lake, they were swept up by it, and WindClan began an embargo.

Puddlepaw eventually oversees the Yellowcough Outbreak, and at first just thinks it's Greencough. He has no idea about strains, or the special types of Color Cough that Clan cats have historically dealt with. Even when he finally does learn it's not JUST Greencough, he's powerless to do anything about it. A lot of cats die because of the lack of mullein.

After that, with ShadowClan so weak and the Kin so strong... he's one of the cats who calls for the merge. The most important one, in fact, leveraging his position to say that this is StarClan's will.

Sleekwhisker and Needletail were right all along, and he's happy to stick it right into everyone's faces. Onestar's tantrum of an embargo killed his Clanmates, Rowanstar stopped him from properly training, he's been under pressure from the time he was small with Littlecloud not fit to be a mentor, and he's ready to welcome in ShadowClan's new era as something that is not a Clan.

...unfortunately, it turned out to be the wrong choice. Not because his thought process was wrong. But because Darktail had other plans in-mind.

[olderthannetfic]

This post https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/741535018017488896/genuine-question-whats-the-point-of-writing made me reflect a bit on my own relationship with writing.

I wrote a bunch of fics in several fandoms over several years, but I haven't felt up to it in months. I've had slumps before, but this time it feels different, a big 'What's even the point?' shrug-like cloud floating over it.

I never wrote ~for myself~; the point has always been to post and share. Writing itself has never been exactly fun, you know? Sure, it allows me to know the actual story that can only precisely unfold as I write it, instead of remaining only vague ideas and scenes floating in my head, but the process… Man, the process is a slog.

What's the best word? How can I make this story more cohesive? Oh no, this is too silly, too revealing, too self-indulgent; oh no, I can't find the right words it's all terrible I hate this; oh no, of course all the flaws jump at me because I've spent so much time chasing them, trying to make the fic better before posting.

I can't post something I feel is too half-arsed, and I can't really be satisfied with whatever I do eventually post. Rereading older fics makes new flaws jump at me, or makes me realize how blatant my own… kinks, I guess, are: the words and themes and tropes I keep using, the way I write this specific character, that specific relationship, etc. It really all seems silly and pointless, and like I'm not bringing anything new or interesting or satisfying to the table - because it is not, to me, satisfying to read. (Insert rant about 'write what you want to read instead of complaining' >> it is NOT the same omg)

It doesn't feel like ~art~; it feels like all the hobbies I've ever tried: well, here's another thing I'll never feel I'm much good at, however hard I try. Which, objectively, is silly, and to be fair I know, deep down, I'm not that bad a writer (I've read my share of truly terrible stuff ;-), but the ratio of struggling and frustration to pleasure (posting at last, and a few people reaching back to say, Hey I liked it! A fleeting connection, compared to the time and effort I put in) is, well, not great… and yet, I feel like it's another thing I'm giving up on while I should keep trying.

It's… frustrating.

--

Welcome to The Gap.

[thissugarcane]

justin taylor <3

I started writing this in a comment response to a very kind commenter on "swimming with sharks" on ao3, but then realized I was rambling rambling rambling away, so decided to put it here, instead. also it's one of two things I desperately want to fix about the season 5 rewrite which I want to do via "show not tell" (aka I don't want to explicitly say, or have anyone say via dialogue, "this is justin's journey to Discover Himself", but that's what I want to write).

So! The point that I think people sometimes miss (or maybe just don't focus on because usually, he is so self-aware compared to the others) about Justin: he is a teenager. and, like a teenager, he will try on different identities to see what sticks. he's strong and determined and kind and stubborn and god forbid someone tell him to do anything-- but he's also not a fully realized personality. (By the end of the show he is)

this comes out in the way that he mimics people he admires / fucks, throughout the show.

Like, obviously I don't think Justin is as eager to "be shown an identity to mold himself to" (like say, Michael is, for better or worse). But he definitely shows signs of using others around him, that he admires for whatever reason, to try on different identities.

He most obvious: Brian. So season one (and two) he's with Brian (or trying to be with Brian.) And we see him going clubbing / enjoying tricking and public sex and everything that Brian says is important. (I would argue that he does like those things, and I will stand by the idea that, while Justin might want to settle down, I don't think monogamy from his partner is as important as stability and security. But obviously being a club kid is a personality he tries on, and decides isn't exactly who he is.)

Then, he's with Ethan; he leaves The Club Kid Who's Agressively Queer And Proud behind to be With The Young Romantic Musician. And then we see him wearing turtlenecks and Being A Pretentious Art Student. Only, you see signs he doesn't like this particular identity, especially at that one party where he tells Ethan's friend off right before Carnivale. He prefers the atmosphere of Carnivale, even if he doesn't really like either. And I would argue Justin does like some of the things that go with this identity: the bathtub, the romance of eating on the floor in a small cozy hovel.

So he goes back to Brian, and they sort of do their own thing.... until Just 'gets with' Cody. It might not be romantic, but it's a significant relationship at the time. Justin shaves his head and gets off on agression. Would he do this if he weren't struggling with anger management and everything else? We have to assume no, since he, well, doesn't… but at the time, Cody is a personality he tries on, to try and deal with Stuff. *waves hands at PTSD*

When he goes to LA, Justin's 'with' Connor, and we see him go back to tricking and anonymous sex / sex parties, but it's in a suuuper LA way: he's at a rich sex party, he's being dragged to glitzy events, everything is super shallow. And -- I have to tell myself he didn't fuck Connor more than once or I get really sad, so it's just a lil crush that he avoids, sure -- he sounds really disappointed when his "in" to the all-access LA party scene, Connor, is done with him.

So he comes back home to Pittsburgh, and has Brian again... only he isn't sure who he is or, most importantly, who he wants to be. This was the character struggle I would argue the writers gloriously failed to depict in season 5, btw: Justin wanted Brian. He just didn't know who he wanted to be and what he wanted to do, for himself. (By the end of the season, arguably, he'd figured it out: he was determined, and he was strong, and he was a survivor, and he was gonna go be an artist, whatever hardship and slogging through galleries and schmoozing and bullshitting and people he wanted to murder he had to kiss ass. he was going. to. be. an. artist.)

they were just real bad at like. the journey to get there.

[luckyshotwrites]

Ch. 101 // This Doesn't Change Anything // Day Off

Contents (Warnings): What's left but to give thanks... (Angst, character and monster info as always). Read full chapter on A03

Wordcount: 4,000+

Song I correlate to this Chapter: these music has no words but yet it's very expressive (sad chill music mix)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Wicks

His body slogged on the verge of collapse.

It threw a Molotov of fatigue in rebellion, hoping to slow his movements. I can't rest yet. His thoughts fought the desire to catch his breath. 

Andras had drained exponential amounts of energy from the two. If he had failed to make contact that would have been it.

He pulled away and staggered. His legs didn't expect it—he caught himself nonetheless. Once he planted his feet firmly down, he spoke, not looking away from the headless body. "Are you alive, Alexander?"

"Yeah," Alexander replied in a huff.

The shirtless male was somewhere behind him. Wicks didn't know where precisely.

He swallowed back the sizzling bittersweet victory on his tongue, and his thoughts were directed at Andras. Ya terminaste.

Most mimics consumed someone whole, and then their form processed the information and acted as them based on their previous experiences and responses. They were nothing more than animals, consumed and procreating for survival. 

While Andras wasn't—Wicks knew of only one other case like him: a mimic overtaken by another person's will. Those mimics became people, no longer bound by their basic instincts. When that happens, they become intelligent, cunning, and heavily capable—and nearly impossible to find. 

He finally shifted his eyes and hazily swept the area. Shattered wood, glass, stone—everything lay around them. The ceiling groaned in its attempt to hold under the weight of the broken floor above and the numerous, slowly growing cracks. 

"Did you human case him at the end?" Wicks asked as he followed the rigged cracks down one of the wall faces. He did so until he landed on the blonde. He had closed the distance between himself and Wicks. 

"I couldn't without my-" Alexander sharply threw his hand at Wicks. 

Wicks grabbed it, but Alexander swung him by his sweater and out of the way.

Wicks heard a gag. He fumbled and twisted to the foe. 

He's not dead.

"It seems neither of you knew you had to burn the body to kill a mimic." Andras's chuckle rumbled gutturally while he held Alexander's throat. 

Its gargling notes furthered the fact that his head hadn't fully recovered.

Wicks's hue struggled to spark. He didn't have enough energy for a prolonged fight. He put up his hands besides that and steadied himself. 

"Don't move, Diageo, or I'll kill him." Andras cooed.

His brows came down, pushing together in unbridled frustration. Andras could drain Alexander's remaining energy and go straight for Wicks. He's not confident he'll win that, though, is he? 

To Wicks, they were at a standstill. Andras couldn't let them live. He'd been hiding this secret for who knows how long, and if they escaped, the C.P.P.A. would be on high alert, purposefully watching for unregistered mimics. 

He wants me within range to kill us both.

Alexander grabbed Andras's arm that held him and snarled, "Fuck it, and kill him." 

Andras's throat bubbled with laughter, "So suicidal, aren't you, Short Fuse? You should have given yourself to me if you didn't value your life." He purred with a darkening grin as he leaned closer.

His hushed tone still pittered against the walls loud enough for Wicks to hear. "Because, unlike you, I wouldn't waste your potential wallowing in your own inhibition."

Wicks could tell that Andras's words struck a nerve. Alexander's indignation faltered, and in response, he tightened his grip almost with urgency as if what Andras said would bring forth something that would hunt Alexander. 

I can't do that. Wicks wouldn't sacrifice him. 

Wicks used what he could to form a cloak around Alexander and ran at Andras. Andras broke the cloak with a quick drain but couldn't take all of Alexander's energy. He had to worry about Wicks's impending assault. 

I can't kill him. I don't have enough left. 

Wicks still braced to hit, and Andras reached out for him. 

Suddenly, it didn't matter. A portal opened and consumed up to Andras's forearm. The portal snapped shut and severed it before he could pull it back. Another opened above them and dropped it. 

The user took the confusion and distraction as their entry point. Behind Andras, another portal appeared. He had grown back his limb at this point but didn't have enough time to dodge her.

She threw her palm into his neck, directly at his seal. One of the most useful for monsters to hide amongst humans was also one of their greatest weaknesses. 

Because spells directed into them, especially those affecting the mind or physicality, worked best at it.

Soon, Andras's eyes rolled back, his shoulders slumped, and his body fell forward with a thud in front of Wicks. Normally, it wouldn't work so effortlessly, but all of them were weakened.

 The woman with splotches of white across her darker skin sighed heavily. Her jack-o-lantern irises slacked in disappointment. "Wicks." She walked over Andras's body and stopped at him. 

"Ma'am." 

Fortunately, Olivia was his boss, the leader of his Chaos Protection and Prevention Agency branch. This meant that it was considered big enough to garner her attention. It would have been worse if that being had not killed those coming out of the building. 

"I've seen the carnage outside," the middle-aged woman said. She stood shorter, but her presence was still chilling. Not that she was harsh or cruel, just powerful. She was a magus that far exceeded Wicks. "Why did you engage on this base without calling for backup?"

Wicks's eyes darted down. He didn't know how long the body below his feet would remain sleeping. "He had my sister." Wicks's lip curled, and with his minimal energy, he wanted to spend it erasing his body.

He had to seize. It's happening again, he reminded himself. His stained folly resurfaced. It wasn't something he considered while he was here. He hyper-fixed on the enemy and killed him. He didn't see what actually happened to Lynette. He figured it out out of fear.

Is she okay? Is it like before? What did he do to her? Will I- no. He didn't want to think about repeating the past. He shook away the past look on her face, the fear in her eyes, the refusal to follow him. It was so vividly painted in his nightmares.

He tilted to move, and Olivia's call finally reached him. "Wicks."

The clawed pangs in his heart tried to steer him toward where his sister would be, though he kept his eyes on Olivia. 

Her sympathy reached him. She put a hand up and onto his shoulder. "I understand," she said. She was one of the few who knew the extent of what he did. Every detail he reported. "Even so, the people we usually help are part of families too. We have protocols for a reason." She directed him to the Andras, "What if I came too late? Neither you nor...your friend looked safe."

Wicks couldn't argue. He glanced back at Alexander, and discomfiture settled near his heart. His lips pursed, seeing his failure. The side of Alexander's head, in particular, once obscured by the way Andras held Alexander, showed the shaved part of it. Wicks nearly killed him.

He almost forgot to answer. "He's a 'brother' to the one who married my older sister, Charletta. He's a registered hybrid."

Olivia flicked to him.

"I'm Alexander." He answered.

Wicks studied the rest of him. 

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, "so you called him in and not for backup?"

Wicks turned his head to her. "I followed him into this. He was at the crime scene first, and he was the one who found Andras." 

Olivia let her hand fall. "And you ran in without notifying the C.P.P.A. as well?"

Alexander turned away, huffing. "I did."

She took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly and pointed behind them. "Both of you leave this building and meet with Garter, who's watching the others. Other agents will take care of this. Get yourselves fixed up to go into questioning later," she ordered. Wicks could tell her wrath was directed more at him. 

Rightfully so. Wicks thought. He was trained for this, after all. 

They both listened to her order, and Wicks made himself walk, no matter how antsy he was to see Lentils. 

Side by side, he nearly gave into impulse and read Alexander's thoughts. That's enough. 

"I'm sorry I let that happen. I may not exactly like you, but I'd never do that without a reason," Wicks said, his head hanging in shame.

"It wasn't you. That was Andras." Alexander replied. "You don't have to apologize for shit." 

Wicks made his way over a few piles of stones, separating him and Alexander further. "I do have to apologize. I should have been more careful and expected something like this."

Due to the rubble, Wicks could only see the top of Alexander's head. They were heading toward the same opening. "Isn't that their whole thing? You don't know something's a mimic until they pop out and get you." 

What Alexander said was true. Few monsters were gifted with the ability to distinguish if someone was a mimic or not. His best friend, Garter, was one of them. At least he could use his third eye with more training. 

"It doesn't excuse it," Wicks said as they met at one of the holes he had created using Andras's body. "I'm still sorry and grateful that you saved me." 

He grunted in response. They waited for the other to go first. Wicks ushered Alexander, and the blonde did the same. 

The two seemed to become annoyed with each other. "If you're that worried about it, don't let it happen again." He pushed his hand up where his glasses usually were and grumbled.

"I won't," Wicks promised, standing near him at eye level. Now, you first."

Alexander squinted harder, and Wicks couldn't tell if it was to see him better or if he was out of refusal. Regardless, Alexander gave in and went to step over the threshold.

Then Wicks looked down. He slapped a hand across Alexander's bare chest so he didn't keep walking.

"What?!"

"Zetsu!!" Wicks called when he crouched down. Because of their 'you go first' waiting game, he didn't pay attention to what was in front of them. At the threshold, there was a hand limply hung over the rock. And behind it, Zetsu's body. "Why are you here? How..." A million questions flooded in, and all of them went unanswered. Zetsu was unconscious.

"A friend of yours? I found him partially impaled earlier. Then healed him and went in to see you and the freak."

"He kind of was? We chased him before I got the text about Lynette and followed you here." Wicks looked to Olivia in the distance, containing Andras. It was a perfect line of sight to where they fought him earlier. 

You were the one who did the human case on Andras at the last second, weren't you? Why?

Wicks picked up Zetsu's limp body. He was still breathing and had energy, which were both very important. Alexander offered to carry him—Wicks denied him. You can't take all the glory. 

He said it more as a joke. "Did you really go inside out of concern for me?"

Should I be insulted or worry about his intentions. 

"I went in for Andras."

Then why aren't you mad at me more? Or, Wicks silenced the voice in his head. He let the fresh, dust-free air blow it all away instead. Let everything go for now.

...

Lynette

I thought I got away from all that. I shivered as Drake stood in front of me. Or, more so, he partially put his head on me protectively while growling at Garter.

"We're fine," I said—it didn't alleviate Drake's anger. He was still bound and fighting in those binds.

"I did it so you guys wouldn't run away, too," Garter explained for the tenth time.

He had swallowed Drake and me after our failed attempt to follow Alexander. I wasn't happy about it, but Drake was pissed.

He snapped and threatened Garter the whole time, mainly when he ate me. The C.P.P.A. seemed to arrive, so Garter released us.

All I want is to see and know everyone gets home safe, then go into a coma. I thought with a smile. I attempted to cheer myself up.

However, Drake and Garter's bickering was making it worse. I took a deep breath, stepped away from Drake, and positioned myself between them.

"I appreciate you both for helping me. Okay? We should be focusing on the others and hoping they come back..." My voice hitched. I saw Wicks nearing us, holding someone.

I didn't fully process who he was; I was too overwhelmed seeing him. I ran at him immediately. Neither could nor would stop me this time.

"WAIT LENTILS!!" Wicks yelled. He quickly set down who I soon recognized as Zetsu.

Drake said he left. 

The thought stayed for a second, and the next Wicks crashed into me and squeezed me like a stress toy.

I had to tap his arm to get him to loosen up and to make sure I didn't add a broken spine to my list of problems. When he stopped hugging me, he grabbed my face.

"Are you okay? Did he do anything to you? Where's the jacket and shirt I gave you this morning?" Wicks frantically said, pulling at the one I was wearing from Alexander.

Is he okay, too?

I saw that Drake seemed to have the same idea as me. He was not that far from us and was exchanging ideas with Alexander. Physically, he looked fine—at least as fine as my brother did—until I saw him turn his head.

Why didn't he fix it?

My eyes went back to my brother. "I'm okay. He, I," my eyes swelled. "I'm happy you're okay." My lips trembled as I studied Wicks. "Are you hurt?"

Wicks nervously laughed, "Lentils, I'm great. There's no need to worry about me." He hugged me. "I'm sorry it took me so long."

I gripped his sweater tighter. I didn't like that as I sank into it. I smelled blood and felt his fatigued body quiver. You're a terrible liar.

"Shush," I pressed my head deeper into his chest. "Don't say you're sorry for any of this," I told him. "You helped save us."

"Garter and..." he faintly uttered, "Alexander did a lot, too." His hand tenderly petted my current tangled mess. "You have dust in your hair."

"And your ponytail isn't holding much back," I muttered, looking up at him.

After he released me from the hug, he thanked Garter for watching us. Alexander propped Zetsu's body against a tree while Drake and him bickered.

Neither of them looked mad. Alexander looked at me, too. I didn't know whether he felt me staring or if it was a chance. I saw the hunger in his eyes and something else, almost like an ease. It appeared sympathetic.

Is he relieved that it worked out?

Using the other hand that Wicks didn't hold, I tugged at the shirt's fabric. This might be a bad idea. He's probably more hungry than anything.

I clenched my nerves and tugged lightly from Wicks.

"Lentils," his voice warned.

"One second," I said and approached Alexander. As I did, my unsteady nerves told me to return to my security, Wicks. 

"Lynette, it's not a good time," Drake attempted to discourage me.

I stopped at a reasonable distance and looked up. His gaze bore down on me, but I didn't let it hold me back. "Thank you, Xander!" I said it with as much meaning as I could.

His eyelids slacked. "For what?"

Huh? I tilted my head. Why do you sincerely look confused?! "for going back." I said. I could feel the emotions flooding in more than prior. "For helping Wicks, whether he needed your help or not." I held myself from blinking.

Briefly, not only did his annoyed expression fall, but he quickly adverted his squint from me entirely. "I just wanted to kill Andras."

My heart thumped. What? I looked to Drake, who appeared pained by Alexander's response. What is he talking about? I peered up at Alexander again.

I stepped closer. I didn't know whether it was the anger from the situation, my helplessness, how easily Alexander deflected it, or that he thought I was too dumb to recognize what happened.

Is it selfish of me to think like this? I didn't care whether he said, 'You're welcome' or not. I cared that he understood how important it was. You didn't just come here for that. I wrote myself off most of the time, too. So it resonated deeper inside me than I realized. Is this how Wicks feels about me?

"Xander," I said in a way that made his body jump.

"What do you want?" He snarled in a low hum. "Unless you're offering yourself, don't get any closer to me."

I didn't move. "Stop disregarding this!"

He snapped his head back. "I went for my own fucking gain. There's nothing to thank."

You didn't... Wicks grabbed my hand. I firmly held his reminder as to why I was so mad. I stayed ahead of Wicks and prevented him from intervening.

And with a hard wheeze, I shouted at Alexander in anger.

"You're a liar!"

...

Alexander

His senses were in disarray. He didn't know what to feel—worn out, content, hungry, annoyed, or angry. His head throbbed, trying to contain them all. He hadn't expected it to go this way. 

Alexander thought everything would be worse. Anytime he involved himself, it always was.

That's when she moved closer. He wanted to ignore her, then he hoped she'd ignore him.

The compulsion rose, and his digits twitched anxiously. Alexander's body wanted to shift itself to eat her, much like any time he was around her. His lack of energy made it harder to control. 

When he panned to the shirt she wore, his body eased slightly, not by much, but enough for him to respond to what she said. He wanted to convince her that what she tried to say was nonsense. Alexander even snapped at her. 

Get away, you idiot.

She was persistent. Not that he wasn't learning that. It vexed him to no end. I'm a monster; I eat humans like you.

He didn't vocalize it like he did several times before. She should have...

What did she call me?

His ears were ringing, and his mind went blank. 

They had argued about many things. Lynette called him names, and he did the same to her, yet she had never said anything so serious —something that hurt like she slapped him across the face. 

"I saw the way you looked at Drake. You didn't want to leave him. You wanted to stay. He's your best friend, practically your brother," she continued.

Her usually sheepish pasture-green hue looked harsher, like an inferno directed at him. As far as she was concerned, he was the only one that mattered. 

Alexander took a step back, and she took another step closer. She didn't let him create any distance and let go of Wick's hand to do so. 

"And you still went back!" she hiccupped between her strangled breath, her throat still dry. "You didn't have to. You could have stayed with us and waited." Tears fell from her eyes. She didn't wipe them. 

You're- His thoughts couldn't come together seeing her.

"I know you and Wicks aren't on the best terms." She winced and still refused to cusp her aching throat. 

Stop looking at me like that. 

"I didn't do anything." That was all he could say, and it wasn't nearly as loud as she spoke. Thus, she denied he ever said it. 

"You have no idea how much it means to me that you did that." Lynette wouldn't give up. 

His head ached, and his mind was becoming inundated with memories—pathetic things he wished he had forgotten. 

He wanted it to stop. He wanted to shut her up. But Andras had to start this. Alexander had to get involved. He didn't expect her to be like this. Most people would leave him alone after he shut them down.

Leave already.

He didn't understand why it was so hard to speak. Not until his breathing was shallow. 

"Because I couldn't. I couldn't do anything if he needed me. So," He attempted to bring his hand to his chest. She snatched it and held it between both of hers. "Don't stand here and lie to me, Alexander." 

His exhale wouldn't leave. 

"You're owed as much thanks as everyone else here, especially from me, and I won't let you go without acknowledging it!"

His thoughts could no longer hold back what he once wanted.

"Mom!" He ran to her after he finished his homework at the table. He almost forgot to tell her what he realized today.  She had her back to him, occasionally poking the cooking beef on the stove. Alexander didn't judge. He knew it was hard for her since Dad did all the cooking before he left for the war. "Yes, Alex?" She always crouched to meet him. She was much taller than him.  And taller than his dad. She had gentler eyes most of the time, too.  "I think I know what I want to do." A childish joy lit up on his face. In school, they talked about what their parents did for a living. Since his mom didn't work, he talked about his dad. They classified him as a combat nurse. "You do?" She questioned, smiling. He nodded. "Yeah!" His grin widened. "I wanna be just like dad and help people."  "A hero like your dad, huh?" His mom laughed. It was contagious. "He really is super, isn't he?" "He is!" Alexander bounced in his socks, nearly slipping on the tile floor. "I can't wait for him to teach me magic stuff when he gets home."  "I know he'll be so glad to hear you say that." She perked back up as grease sizzled from the meat onto her arm. She flung her attention back to the pan. "How about you write down all the stuff you want Dad to teach you when he comes back?" And he did. He made a long list of things. A list he never gave to him because he ripped it up after his body changed forever. 

For a brief moment, it hurt again. Lynette reminded him of that. 

He heaved. Both of the hands in front of him, the one she held and the one he used to pry hers away, were covered in blood. 

It wasn't real. He wasn't there anymore. Yet his body acted like he was. He couldn't focus on her. Everything was blurring. He mistakenly thought he was spinning. 

That's how his steps felt. No matter how well his feet were on the ground, he couldn't hold them there. He squeezed his eyes to escape.

"Xander."

Her worry stung. 

He opened his eyes once more, pulled away completely, and turned around. 

Then, he did the same thing he always did. 

He ran.

...

Hey, you, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad I put out a story that people can enjoy! I hope you continue to enjoy it as WE have a LOT more to go! YOU BETTER KEEP PROSPERING! (Nonnegotiable, as always~).

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Catch up, see some maps/art, or check the latest release dates down below  ↓ ↓ ↓ 

What I’d do for a Livable Income Part 2 (Synopsis/Chapter - List)

[nyaagolor]

How would you rank all the Ace Attorney games you’ve played from favorite to least favorite? You seemed to enjoy all of them, to varying degrees.

So this is actually kind of hard for me to answer depending on whether you base your metric on “how much fun were they to play” “how much do I think to explore the themes / writing / think about the game in general” or “how well written do you think they are”. I’m gonna do all of them and prolly talk a lot so yeehaw. Under the cut bc. surprise surprise! I got long winded

Quick disclaimer: Not including DLC cases or spin off games because if I did we’d be here all day

“How much fun did I have playing through the actual game”

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney

Trials and Tribulations

Apollo Justice Ace Attorney

Justice for All

Dual Destinies

Spirit of Justice

This might be kinda surprising to some people considering what I talk about on this blog, but honestly my opinions on these games changed drastically after I had time to ruminate on them. Here’s some explanations if you’re curious!

AA1 very well could be at the top because it was the first game in the series and I was going in fresh— while Turnabout Samurai was a bit of a slog, I managed to get through all of these cases in a day each and just could not put down Turnabout Goodbyes. I don’t think about it as much anymore because it was so foundational and all the things it introduced have been explored by other games, but this game really is the reason I fell into this series with such ferocity.

AA3 was much of the same, and I don’t think I had as much fun with a tutorial case as I did with Turnabout Beginnings. The characterization present in this games and the nonlinearity of the narrative is genuinely fantastic, and my opinion of it has only increased over time.

AA4 is ranked a little lower because I actually wasn’t vibing with the game when I first played it— it was only after Turnabout Succession that everything fell into place and the game skyrocketed up my favorites list. Once I’m finished with all the spinoffs and have some time to chill I actually plan on revisiting it with fresh eyes because I think a second playthrough has the potential to be soooo much better than the first. Also APOLLOOOOOOO he’s my little guy :)

I thought justice for all was fine, but boring. Big Top made me feel some emotions that were less than positive, but generally speaking all the cases were fine but didn’t leave a big impression on me. Also I don’t like Farewell My Turnabout nearly as much as other people— I still like it but it didn’t totally blow me away or anything. Game is still like an 8/10, but it didn’t leave a huge impression on me.

Dual Destinies was confusing as hell timeline wise and it made it kinda difficult to figure out what was even happening, and for that same reason I struggled to attach myself to the plot. The game had some moments that really were stellar but the sheer length and layout of the cases kinda made me wanna cry

I literally only finished this game so I could get to Investigations. Characters were great but it was so. Damn. long.

“How much do I like thinking about the games, its writing, and its themes”

Dual Destinies

Apollo Justice Ace Attorney

Trials and Tribulations

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney

Spirit of Justice

Justice for All

This part of the list actually has very little to do with how good I think the games are or how much I like them, but sometimes a game’s themes just Captivate you.

If you’re reading this you’ve probably seen this blog, and you know how I feel about Dual Destinies. I am OBSESSED with this game. I love the characters, I love the themes, and I am fascinated by every part of the writing process and how the game ended up the way it did. I think about this game an unhealthy amount actually. Don’t let my complaining make you think I don’t love this game to pieces. Bc I do. So much.

I love expanding on things. The media I blog about? KIrby and Pokemon, stories that practically beg for you to fill in the gaps and work with their vagueness. So when Takumi handed me a game with half a dozen hanging plot threads and massive time gaps just begging to be filled? You can bet I would never shut the fuck up about it. AJAA my absolute beloved

I could probably talk about Miego for hours. This game is incredible I think about it on the regular. Ough.

This game slams but all the ideas introduced by it have been expanded on and talked about and worked with in a hundred different ways so it’s hard to me to really go back other than to say “wow Turnabout Goodbyes was so fucking good”

Literally the only context in which I think about this game is “this should have been a spinoff” but honestly it barely crosses my mind except when I purposefully try to ignore it

JFA is good and makes me feel absolutely nothing

“How well-written do I think the games are”

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney

Trials and Tribulations

Apollo Justice Ace Attorney

Justice for All

Spirit of Justice

Dual Destinies

These are suuuuuper close so this list is a lil shakier than the others but explanations are below as usual!

Ok this is really REALLY tough because I think AA1 and AA3 are tied. They both have their moments and I think the themes are incredible, but for the purposes of this list I’m putting AA1 above AA3 because BttT is a little bit absolutely batshit insane? Turnabout Goodbyes is TIGHT. Sorry Godot you’re still my favorite prosecutor ily kitten

See above

I’ve never seen an AA game whose final cases elevates the entire game quite like AA4. I thought the game was good, but the Turnabout Succession hit and oh my GOD. I think about this game constantly it’s so, SO good. Also helps that Apollo really shakes up the series, he’s my favorite species of insect

These cases were fine, Franziska is a solid prosecutor, the whole “chooses death” thing was fresh, and Farewell was some of the best character writing this series has seen. I don’t honestly have much to even say about it bc it’s super solid

The difference between DD and SOJ is that I think DD had a really good story that it failed to tell effectively while SOJ succeeded in telling its story but that story fucking sucks. Jokes aside I don’t like SOJ but the story is cohesive at least. It had a plot. It was Fine. DD failed miserably but oh my god what you could have been. Ily. Mwah.

See above

Sorry this wasn’t a clear ranking / favorites list, hope you enjoyed regardless!!

[hypaalicious]

Arknights anime thoughts

(Very minor spoilers below, but it’s only if you are completely clueless to the Arknights storyline in general)

Pros:

Extremely faithful adaptation of the game story, down to lines directly pulled from the game itself; if you don’t have it in you to read the story then the anime will get you caught up to speed in no time

Beautiful animation style, especially for something entirely made in-house and is HG’s first big animation project

Drama? They know how to do it! Frfr, they will punch you right in the chest with feels moreso than the game managed to do

The Doctor is very NB and while I know that pissed off the fans who really wanted an unambiguously male protag, it fits with how the game wants everyone to be able to self-insert regardless of gender

Gives a much needed spotlight to Operators who are kinda glossed over in the game, like Franka and Meteorite

Amiya’s inner struggles as she tries to reconcile her power and her idealism are absolutely fleshed out in the series. That poor girl is going THROUGH IT 😭

Cons:

Action scenes need a LOT of work. 🤧They have dramatic set up with minimal return and I feel they don’t showcase the martial prowess of our Operators well enough. Ex: Ch’en is a master swordswoman. At most, we see her jump into the air at enemies while yelling, or cutting through gates with her sword. All the scenes where we coulda had some kickass fights kinda fall flat or awkwardly end to transition to another scene

This could be connected to the previous point, but due to Chinese censorship, HG isn’t allowed to show blood or anything really graphic in the animation. Which, if you know how brutal AK’s storyline gets, seems to be a big handicap. They’re doing alright despite it, but they get REALLY vague on some things. Ex: when Mephisto was burning his victims in that Chernobog building but the anime couldn’t show the bodies or mention what exactly it was he was doing… so it just looked like he was an arsonist to an abandoned high rise and then suddenly Meteorite was gagging at the smell

The intro song to season two is TERRIBLE. Like… I can’t remember the last time I skipped an anime intro because I couldn’t stand the song LOL! The ending song is much better, tho.

Overall:

Awesome anime if you’re already a fan of AK, but I can’t really recommend it to anyone who doesn’t already play the game. 🥲 AK’s lore and story is so fantastic but it can be a slog to read through at times, and ofc not everyone’s gonna be into tower defense/strategy games either. Kinda hoped the anime would put AK on the map to those who would never play it, but idk… I think people would be bored after awhile because it’s not flashy like JJK or Demon Slayer.

[neon-green-reagent]

Buyer Beware: Cushing Curiosities

I don't normally do this. My aim is to keep things positive in this space, as much as possible. But I need to talk about the new Severin Films box set dedicated to Peter Cushing and basically beg anyone who loves Peter Cushing to not waste their money on this. When I saw they were, after multiple Christopher Lee sets, finally doing one for Cushing, I admit I got too excited and impulsively pre-ordered it. I have regretted it ever since. Okay, that's too strong. It was way too much money and time wasted on something that's about one-third good. One third is not enough, and even then I'm probably being too generous. 

The box art and presentation are beautiful. If that's all that matters to you, then you'll be delighted. The GIANT book that comes with it is also really awesome. It's informative and thorough with a lot of really cool images. I can't deny that they really went above and beyond, turning a booklet into an actual book that is well worth owning. These are a couple of the highest points you're going to experience with this set. Let's dig into the movies. 

Cone of Silence. Jesus, what a waste of fucking time. This thing was a slog. An absolute bore. If you care a whole lot about planes... Fuck, even then, you probably won't be able to sit through this, because it's so old-fashioned and drags its feet. Is this what thrillers used to be? I shudder to think. Cushing's role is small and that of a misguided villain character. He shows up to accuse a pilot of being bad at his job, gets put in his place at the end, and that's really it. I'll go ahead and make a blanket statement now that he's always good, always worth watching, but that doesn't make most of these movies worth sitting through. 

Suspect. Here's a movie that goes around and around, struggling to get to the point, trying to imitate Hitchcock but without any of the style that goes along with that. Just stationary middle shots of people talking. But don't you worry, it's not just boring! Multiple characters make cracks about how women shouldn't be working in science (Cushing's character included, which makes this an utter loser of a movie to watch for his role). The "villain" is a man with a disability who eventually kills himself, and that's treated like a GOOD OUTCOME. Some movies are old. This movie is old-minded, and it brought what was already not very engaging down to a pile of shit for me. And again, a theme you'll notice, Cushing is a side character who isn't given hardly anything to do and little screen time. Oh, and Donald Pleasence shows up and makes this face: O.O

The Man Who Finally Died. So this was at least engaging. Maybe by this point the bar was just VERY low for me, but I actually enjoyed this. It had lots of twists and turns. Despite being pre-giallo, it had a lot of those storytelling conventions, so I found myself, you know... actually watching the movie instead of struggling to stay awake. The rewatch value feels low, because once you've experienced those twists and turns, they won't shock you next time. But at least it wasn't a total wash. AND ONCE MORE CUSHING WAS BARELY IN IT, SO REGARDLESS OF THE QUALITY OF THE FILM IT WASN'T REALLY A CUSHING FILM, WAS IT? 

Sherlock Holmes. Ohhhhh God. This was not good. I managed one and a half episodes before shutting it off. I couldn't believe how shoddy everything about this was. It's a BBC Sherlock Holmes show! What happened!? I mean, I'm still not clear, but after some googling I did find out that Cushing was a fast replacement for another actor who was leaving in a huff. And the reason he left in a huff was because everything about the production truly sucked ass. It shows. And it didn't improve when Cushing came on. Everything was so clearly rushed. You can feel how everyone's just trying to remember their lines and where to stand, because they were given zero time to rehearse and prepare. I thought this would be a highlight of the set, but it's probably one of the worst aspects. At least Cushing is the main character? 

Bloodsuckers. This was great. I can finally say something was GREAT. What a relief. Cushing is still barely in it, but at least it was entertaining. It's your standard, early seventies, vampire romp. With some psychedelic weirdness thrown in toward the beginning and lots of overly sexual shenanigans. In particular, Johnny Sekka gives a great performance, and in a more modern movie, they would have made the character gay as he should have been. Also, Edward Woodward shows up for a single scene and steals the entire movie. Definitely worth watching, regardless of Cushing's ten minutes of screen time. Even though I thought the point was for it to be a CUSHING box set... 

Tender Dracula. Last but actually the best. This is an absolute ride of a movie. I loved it. My problem is this is such a crazy film, with tonal shifts galore and an unsensible plot, that I could actually see people hating it. It's a movie that is not for everyone, not by a long shot. It breaks the fourth wall, plays with stereotypes and tropes, throws out humor that sometimes lands and sometimes doesn't, and leaves your head spinning. Plenty of viewers might find the experience frustrating and not rewarding. I happened to love it and got a lot out of it, but it feels very poor for a movie like this to be probably the best thing about a shoddy box set. That's not exactly promising your customers the best they could get. BUT CUSHING IS THE STAR! Finally! One (arguably) good movie where he's the main attraction. Christ, that took long enough. 

So what do we have after all that? A set of movies that, for the most part, only tangentially involve Cushing, with his name slapped on the side of the box. Trotting out a beloved actor who isn't here to approve of what's being done for a quick buck feels pretty damn gross. Severin has made a multitude of mistakes over the years in how they've conducted their business, but this is by far the worst of them. Even with the compliments I've given this set, do not buy it. It isn't even close to being worth the price point. The fact that I spent as much as I did on this leaves me shamefaced. 

[faofinn]

No. 2 "I'll call out your name, but you won't call back."

@whumptober-archive

Thermometer | Delirium | "They don't care about you."

A 'recovery' fic set some time after this

Harrison had gone from strength to strength in his recovery. Even despite the sepsis and pneumonia, on top of the initial gsw and opened chest in the field.

It had been a long, hard slog to get there, though, that couldn't be forgotten. After the chest drain, he'd ended up with a little delirium from everything, and everyone dreaded that it was going backwards. Somehow, he kept progressing, kept improving, kept defying expectations. 

It was several months later when he was finally allowed from the bed, graduating to being allowed to potter between there and the sofas. He was on strict instructions to not treat anyone, to not do anything stupid and outside of his current abilities. He still had a babysitter, though they denied that that was why they were there. It was obvious, but he didn't really mind; he enjoyed the company and conversation. 

Harrison had lost so much weight with it all, far too much, and that brought its own problems. His prosthesis no longer fit properly, the bone rubbing against the hard plastic. It put him off walking with it, choosing instead to use his crutches where he could.

Fao didn’t mind ‘babysitting’ Hars. He was still getting over his own chest infection, easily tired, and so sitting around in the basement doing paperwork and making sure Hars had what he needed suited him just fine. Besides, he liked Harrison’s company, and it was still just so nice to have him ‘back’ after all they’d been through. 

The past few nights, Harrison had been struggling to sleep. He just couldn't settle with pain and just wrongness in his bones. He'd tried to shake it off, busying himself in the basement to try and keep his mind active. The room spun each time he stood, but after a few moments of gripping whatever counter he was closest to, everything returned to normal. It was just tiredness, that's all.

Fao noticed as Harrison emerged from his room, somewhat unsteady on his crutches. Not unusual, and Fao wished he’d use his chair instead, but he wasn’t about to start that fight again. 

“Hey. Need anything?” Fao asked. 

He took a moment to reply, looking blankly at Fao before he shook his head. "No, I'm good."

“You okay?” He asked, frowning. 

"Been better."

“Need something? Meds?”

"I want out of the basement."

“Want some fresh air?”

"Yeah. But I want to stay out."

“I can’t let you stay out.”

"You can't keep me here."

“You’re still not well, Hars.”

"I'm late, Fao. I don't have time to worry about not being well."

Fao frowned, standing up and putting his book down. “Late?”

"Yes, late. I'm trying to get ready."

“Late for what?”

Harrison turned to look at him, exasperated. "Work. Honestly, Fao. I don't get you."

“You don’t have to go to work, you’re off sick right now. You got hurt, remember?”

"I'm not stupid, I know I got hurt. I can fucking feel it."

“So you don’t need to go anywhere.”

"Yeah, I do." He turned back, swaying on his crutches. "I need to go."

“You don’t need to go to work, you can stay here. Why don’t we sit down, I’ll put the kettle on?”

"I don't want a drink. I want to go outside."

“Come on, it’s okay.”

"None of this is okay."

“I know, I know. But you don’t need to go out, you can stay here.”

He frowned. "I don't want to stay here."

“I know, but it’s for your own good.”

"It's obviously not."

“It is, Hars. I know it doesn’t feel like it.

"Where's Tai? He'll tell you."

“He’s at work today, he’ll be home soon.”

Harrison frowned at him. "Well where's Levi?"

“Your dad is with him.”

"He's my son."

“Nobody is saying otherwise.”

He huffed. "Right. Okay."

“I mean it, Hars.”

"Mean what?"

“Nobody’s saying otherwise about Levi.”

"Right. So I need to go."

“No, you don’t.”

"Whatever." He turned away, bored of the conversation and ready to do his own thing. 

The turn made him dizzy, but he figured it would go, it had to. He stumbled forward, managing a few steps before his crutch slipped slightly. He struggled to right himself, but the dizziness was only getting worse, the room darkening at the corners. 

Nausea rose too, only adding to the feeling that he was dying, but he didn't have the energy to do anything about it. His leg shook and he knew his knee wouldn't hold him, but the thought was quickly lost to the blackness.

“Hars? Harrison?” He called.

Fao spotted the way Harrison went blank, the stumble just another warning sign. He crossed the room quickly, aiming to help Harrison stay upright on his crutches, but his eyes rolled and he went down. He reached for him just as he went, stretching further than he should, and he staggered under the weight of him as they went to the floor. It was softer than it had been if he’d not caught him, but it wrenched Fao’s bad shoulder and he groaned, the pain already bad. 

Harrison was still in Fao's arms, his chest rise and fall all too shallow. It took a few moments for him to start to come to, screwing his face up. 

“Hey, you’re okay.” Fao said, running his fingers through Harrison’s hair. “Take a moment.”

He groaned, trying to get his bearings. He reached to rub his eyes, his head pounding. 

“You’re alright. You fainted.”

"Head hurts."

“Headache? You didn’t hit the floor.”

"I'm on the floor."

“I caught you, you fainted.”

"Oh. Okay."

“Let’s get you back to bed.”

[not-poignant]

Recently I unexpectedly had two weeks of paid time off work. As something to do with this sudden free time, I decided to set myself a challenge; to write a short story, which is something I had never done before. I've always admired you for having such a talent with words, and I wanted to give it a try.

And Pia... IT WAS HARD! SO HARD! >.<

I wrote every day. I was sweating. I was pacing. I was groaning. I was laying face down on the couch. Just trying to MAKE. THE. WORDS. DO. THE. THING! You make it look so easy! xDD

I literally had several of your stories open as a cheat sheet, to figure out everything from “how does punctuation work” to “how in the world does he transition from internal monologue to conversation so naturally??”

But after two weeks of nearly full time writing, I finished my first 9358 word story.

Is it any good? Probably not. Am I going to do it again? Again, probably not xD

I'm proud that I finished it and as much as I was struggling, I enjoyed the challenge.

But the most impactful thing I took away from these two weeks, is a whole new level of appreciation for your work. Deep diving into your stories, trying to figure out how they work, it honestly blew my mind. YOU ARE SO GOOD! I've always adored your writing because it resonates with me so much and it never fails to take me on an emotional journey. But now I've had a glimpse of experiencing the craft behind it and all I can say is... You truly are one of the best authors out there.

So, thank you for sharing your incredible work with the world.

Omg anon, this message was so great to get.

Firstly, firstly- you're AMAZING!!! You are so good! You had a goal, you'd never done something like this before, and you finished a 10k story? That's basically a novella! Like, holy shit anon, that's incredible tenacity given you've never done it before! Even I wasn't busting out 10k stories when I first started writing.

This message made me so happy, but also frankly really just impressed as well. In some ways it's easy to kind of not see that I've been doing this for 10+ years, I've had a lot of practice, I write faster than I used to, and I didn't used to write this fast when I started out!

I bet your story is a lot better than you think it is. And tbh, maybe you'll find a way to enjoy the process more. :D I think it's awesome you wrote what you did, even if you never do it again *flails quietly*

But also I have this gif saved permanently on my computer and I think you'll very much relate to it even after two weeks:

Also you can have this one too:

And this one!!!!

Actually you can bet I have a folder of a ton of writing gifs because it's a WHOLE mood:

--

I think it's cool though that you gained an appreciation for the craft. Like anything, I think it's great when it looks like it's easy because frankly if you feel like you're slogging it through my writing and every sentence is a burden then I've done something wrong sdalkfjads

But it is something I care about and put a lot of time and thought into, and I'm just so impressed you tried it. That's cool, friend. You're cool.

Hobbies and new skills have to watch out when you're around, it seems like your determination is very Hulk!Smash level! :D :D :D

[chen-chen-chen-again-chen]

WIP Wednesday + fic drop

Thank you for the WWIP tags all you lovely souls: @bookish-bogwitch, @cutestkilla, @martsonmars, @artsyunderstudy, @whogaveyoupermission, @fatalfangirl, @larkral (I answer your call of a forceful tag! I'm sure it was a firm, grounding touch ❤️).

I have TWO things for you today. One of them is not actually an WIP, but a little shortie from the Rosethorn girl universe that you can read on AO3 right now! No fancy art because my brain is being Bad Brain right now. Thing 1:

They were all children once

Rating: Gen

Words:  823

Chapters: 1/1 

Part 3 of Rosethorn girl

Summary:

Salisbury House thinks of the children that it's sheltered throughout the years.

Part of Carry On Countdown 2022's Day 13: Devotion.

I will also stick stuff about JELLY BABIES (a wee snippet & overly-emotional blather) under the cut. Next chapter with these sweet baby gays should be coming out tonight!

Ch. 10 (!!!!) of Jelly Babies is almost good to go. I THINK I will try to post daily until this bad boi is done?? I have a buffer of about 3-4 chapters, but I am human, so absolutely no guarantees. I do have an outline and a rough idea of where it's going to go, and I hope (DEAR GOD I HOPE) that it'll wrap up before the end of December. We shall see.

Thing 2. Here is a VERY SHORT SNIPPET from tonight's chapter:

“What?” Gregory asks, confused. He squints up at it. There’s some plants there that look familiar, a bunch of leaves with small white berries, wrapped up with a red ribbon. It looks like the stuff he helped Ioanna gather up the other day - 

“That’s.” Swithin clears his throat. “That’s mistletoe.” 

I just want to say a big, sloppy, huge, emotional, tearful, Gregory-esque thank you to everyone who has engaged with this work. Honestly, every time I write something (especially in fandom spaces), my go-to thought is, "This is so weird. This is just a lark. It's okay if no one reads it - I'm just happy that I wrote it and put it out into the world." But then y'all show up waving homemade signs and cheering and crying and Embracing the Weird and I am eternally grateful to exist in this corner of the internet with you.

I mentioned this before in responses to some comments, but I feel like writing and sharing "Jelly Babies" re-set some kind of button in my brain and my body so that I am actually able to experience joy again. And I hope that in some way, it brings you a little bit of joy and warmth and sweetness and the conviction that (as Dr. Chuck Tingle says) Love is Real. We're all just wee humans dealing with this hard shit and trying to make it through the day.

Whether you've been working joyfully or slogging away or unable to make anything at all - whether you're on top of the world or just struggling to make it through the the next minute - you always belong. You always deserve a hug and a hot drink and a rest so that you can sit down and take off your heavy boots.

Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hello tags!  @captain-aralias, @excalisbury, @facewithoutheart, @hushed-chorus, @ionlydrinkhotwater, @johnwgrey, @moodandmist, @nightimedreamersworld, @raenestee, @sailorblossoms, @thewholelemon,  @you-remind-me-of-the-babe  

[siren-nate]

Every Metroid Prime boss ranked from worst to best

Ground rules: No repeating fights. That means no bosses that you fight multiple instances of with nothing changing, and no bosses that just become regular enemies later on. If a boss has multiple phases that have to be fought in order, all of those phases will be considered together, not separately. Lastly, I won't be counting Hunters bosses because I just haven't played the game and it's more of a spinoff than anything else. Also, only the top thirty entries get images, because that's Tumblr's limit, apparently.

Putting this under a readmore because, obviously, it's goddamned huge.

36) Alpha Blogg

FUCK THIS THING.

I hate, hate, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE THE ALPHA BLOGG. How are you supposed to fight it? No, legitimately, somebody explain to me what the intended way to fight this fucking thing is. It only shows its weak spot for a fraction of a second right before it attacks you, sometimes it doesn't show that weak spot and has absolutely no tell for when it is or isn't going to, and sometimes it just randomly combos into you three or four times before finally letting you get away from it. The only weapons that do significant damage to it (super missile and darkburst) take a second to fire off after you hit the missile button, making it even more stupidly difficult to get the timing perfect and actually damage the Alpha Blogg.

I'm not joking when I say that as far as I can tell, the only way to fight this stupid fucking fish is to continuously suicide-attack it and hope that you get enough blind luck attacks in that it dies before you do. I'm not even mentioning that every time you die to it, you have to replay a huge chunk of its area again due to poor checkpoint implementation. Fuck. This. Boss.

35) Power Bomb Guardian

Here's a boss fight that I'm honestly shocked doesn't get more hate. The Power Bomb Guardian is annoying. Yes, there's a certain art to baiting it into shooting power bombs in a direction you're not actually going due to how strongly it leads its shots and re-aims on a dime, but no matter how good you get at it, there's always going to be several times where getting knocked off the wall and forced to start the climb all over again is just unavoidable. God, I hate this stupid thing.

34) Cloaked Drone

This one's just lame. I hate boss fights where either you don't know the trick and it's a nightmare, or you do know the trick and it's trivial, and that's exactly what this is. Either you don't use the Wavebuster and it's a nightmare because it's an extremely agile invisible enemy, or you do and it's not even a fight anymore.

33) Pirate Commander

The perfect microcosm of why Prime 3's combat sucks. All he does is teleport around, summon commandos for you to insta-kill with the nova beam after struggling to land that perfect hit on them, and use the same attacks as a commando. Despite this, he has what feels like ten times the health of one, and all his teleporting means it's near-impossible to lay down serious damage against him. It's just an unfun slog of chewing through a very irritating damage sponge with the same, single attack over and over until it finally dies. Again, Prime 3's combat in a nutshell.

32) Jump Guardian

Possibly the most forgettable boss fight in the whole series. It really is just a Warrior Ing with a bigger health bar and a slam-the-ground-make-a-shockwave-attack, also known as the attack that every boss in this whole series has. Honestly a shocking lack of fanfare for an enemy that has a power-up as integral as the double jump.

31) Parasite Queen

This one's a really good introductory boss fight and a great climax to the first area of the entire series, but sadly, that means it's kind of a nothing fight on replays. She really just doesn't do much, but I guess having to sidestep constantly to aim between her shields at least keeps you on the move and engaged. There's a surprising amount of skill involved in dodging her mouth lasers, but I swear sometimes they just hit you no matter what you do. She gets bonus points for the mechanic where you can scan her to adjust the auto-targeting to do more damage... and then gets those bonus points immediately taken away because she's the only boss fight in the entire series that works like that, so it's kind of a pointless thing to teach the player.

30) Hive Mecha

This is a really good example of how to make a tutorial boss fight that doesn't grate on experienced players! Unfortunately, it's also a really bad example of a tutorial boss fight that actually teaches the player the thing it's trying to teach them. Hive Mecha is a manageable, enjoyable challenge if you figure out how the radar works before or during the fight with it, and a chaotic nightmare mess if you don't. I think the idea is that all of the enemies swarming in a circle on the radar gets the player's attention, and they think "Oh, hey, I can use this to see when the wasps keep still so I can shoot them!". The problem is that they're distracted by, y'know, all of the enemies swarming around them nonstop. Just a single text pop-up telling you to use the radar would help this fight a lot - hell, they could have buried it in the Ram War Wasp scan if they wanted it to not be obvious.

29) (Dark) Alpha Splinter

What a strange creature; it gets weaker when it's possessed by an Ing. Seriously, trading in that insanely well-tracked pounce-and-return for a way more avoidable version makes the second half of this fight bafflingly easier than the first, even with the addition of projectiles. A good first boss fight, but kind of emblematic of how wonky Prime 2's difficulty is at times.

28) Grapple Guardian

This thing is so obtuse and confusing that Metroid Fusion's puzzles give it a nod of respect. Okay, so you have to get it to grapple onto the energy pillars to stun it. Except for the fact that if it's too close, that doesn't work, for literally no reason. Then you have to damage it in the back, but then when its tail falls off, suddenly you can damage it by shooting it in the eye after you've already shot that area enough to stun it and make its invulnerable shield dissipate. You go from shooting it in the eye so you can hit its back to... shooting it in the eye so you can shoot it in the eye some more. The icing on the cake is that you can't damage it at all until you scan it, for no goddamned reason.

It took me half a fucking hour to figure out how I was supposed to just kill this stupid thing. It's not that bad once you DO know all the mistakes to avoid, but that first playthrough and its bugginess with the grapple beam makes me hate it so much it's all the way down here.

27) Caretaker-Class Drone

Frantic is the word to describe this fight. You are constantly on the move, you have barely enough time to register the weak spot and line up a shot, let alone hit it, you always have to jump around like a hyperactive squirrel as the attacks get faster and take up more space... yeah, frantic as all hell. This boss does irritate me because of how unpredictable the direction of your boost-jumps are, though. Sometimes it screws me out of a hit because it randomly decides to not work the same way it has for the last three jumps, or the same kind of random chance throws me right into damage.

26) Dark Samus (Prime 2, Final)

Given she's practically the mascot of the series, it feels weird for Dark Samus's first appearance on this list to be her role as final boss of her debut game... and for it to be so low. Unfortunately, this fight is terrible compared to its contemporaries. It starts off fine, if a little lacking - no cover to duck in and out of, no new tricks from Dark Samus and significantly less agility from her. But that attack where she becomes invulnerable and you have to play phazon tennis with her is... shit. It's just shit. The hit detection on both of her attacks is unreliable as hell - I've had small bullets hit me right in the face while I was charging only to take damage and lose my shot, and the big bullet is just unavoidable whenever it feels like it.

Yes, by the way, I did say both attacks. As in, for the vast majority of her tenure as final boss of Prime 2, Dark Samus uses exactly two different attacks. Given what a highlight her other two fights are in that game, it's just... pathetic. The cherry on top is the fact that you have a time limit hanging over your head for a boss fight where the majority of the time, you cannot damage her with any speed.

25) Rundas

Oh, boy, this one's gonna get me a lot of hate...

Let me preface this by saying: I love Rundas. I love all three of the Prime 3 bounty hunters, to the point that one of my biggest criticisms of the game is that it kills them off rather than keep their potential around for Prime 4. Rundas as a character is great.

Runda as a boss fight is the single most pathetically easy fight in the entire trilogy, behind only the Cloaked Drone when you use the Wavebuster. One single charged beam hypermode shot, he's stunned. Rip his armor off. One single charged beam hypermode shot, he's dead. Rundas is a boss fight that - even on hard difficulty - I routinely kill in less than thirty seconds.

The tragedy of it is, if you don't use hypermode at all? Rundas's boss fight is awesome! He soars all over the arena, hopping from ice platform to ice platform while launching projectiles at you, and gains an entirely new, unique, extremely hard-to-dodge attack when he uses his own hypermode! It's a WAY more fitting send-off for such a capable character, and probably what the developers intended and expected given you only have a measly two or three energy tanks to power your hypermode by the time you fight him. But I can't only acknowledge the fight that I get when I do a self-imposed challenge, especially when I can only reasonably do that on easy difficulty due to how fucked Prime 3's gameplay balance is.

24) Gandrayda

Aaand we immediately go from one extreme to the other. Gandrayda is a fucking nightmare on hard difficulty. Her microscopic hitbox and constant jumping around mean that using hypermode at all is just a waste of valuable health, especially given there are no opportunities to heal for the last 75% or so of this fight. Even seeker missiles are borderline useless unless you time them perfectly so she's not just flipping right around them and making them miss, and at that point you may as well stick to the only tactic I've found that works: spamming the shit out of the basic uncharged plasma beam so hard that I worry my mouse is going to break. This wouldn't be so god-awful if it weren't for how impossibly tanky Gandrayda is, because Prime 3 doesn't know how to balance the health of its enemies.

While the idea of a shapeshifting boss fight constantly swapping between stronger versions of enemies you've fought before could be super interesting, Gandrayda basically stops changing form at all for the last third of the fight, meaning it's just you and an incredibly annoyingly hard to hit target with way too much goddamned health that does way too much goddamned damage. Just like Rundas, I love the character, but fuck this boss fight.

23) Mogenar

This thing is a roadblock on hard difficulty. Even with every energy tank I can possibly acquire before I fight it, I often just barely have enough hypermode usage to scrape through by the skin of my teeth, given that the charged rapid-fire shot is about the only way you can possibly damage it fast enough to make significant progress. If it only had some health pickups, like when it drops rocks from the ceiling or something like that, it'd be a lot less stressful, but as it stands I have very little actual fun fighting this thing.

22) Bomb Guardian

Honestly, this thing's kind of slept on. Trying to jump over it at just the right moment when it charges, so you can get closer to its weak spot and have a clearer shot - that's excellent. I also love its stupid charged up million-bombs attack. It's such a rude wake-up surprise the first time you fail to damage it enough to interrupt it, and so overkill it's downright hilarious.

21) Incinerator Drone

I don't have much to say about this one; it's just an enjoyable, if basic, fight. Circling around and either jumping over or morph balling under the flame streams, which gets trickier the more wasps it wakes up to distract you from shooting the weak spot when it opens - just good stuff.

20) Flaahgra

Ah, the first Real-Ass Boss Fight of Metroid Prime! I love Flaahgra's design and the way it serves as a red herring for a first-time player who really pays attention to the story. There's just one problem: it's piss-easy. Seriously, a few charge shots and it gets completely stunned for about three to five months, during which you have plenty of time to side-jump in circles around it and shoot the mirrors back up. The biggest obstacle it poses is when it makes those impassable barriers, requiring the legendary speedrunning technique known as... going the other way.

19) Amorbis

You know, I could kind of just copy+paste the description of Flaahgra here with some minor edits. First Real-Ass Boss Fight of its game, amazing presentation and spectacle and sheer scale, piss-easy fight. The light beam's charge shot just melts every single phase of this boss, even on hard difficulty. Still, at least you have to do a hell of a lot more than stun Amorbis to fight it (them?).

18) Defense Drone

I kind of struggle to come up with things to say about this one. You'd think the three simultaneous targets on its back would make it the perfect time to use the seeker missile, but you don't have it by the time you fight it, so yet more charged hypermode shots it is. I will say that the hit detection to actually damage it is really annoying - half my shots seem to bounce off even when I'm literally locked on and it's standing relatively still. Also, those chasing exploding poison ball things are annoying as fuck - I never want to waste time shooting them because I want this fight to be over as quick as possible.

17) Korakk Beast

This one's fun - pulling it apart to finally get it vulnerable is like a puzzle in and of itself. Hit its exposed mouth to stun it, get underneath and lay a bunch of bombs, get behind it and yank its tail, then finally unload on its chest - preferably in hypermode. One thing that disappoints me, though, is that the rider isn't particularly difficult to kill, and once he's gone, it neuters a lot of the Korakk's best attacking options. The fight would be better if another rider leapt in to take command of it after each cycle, or something like that.

16) Boost Guardian

Today's word of the day is "overhyped"! Seriously, Boost Guardian is just not as hard as everyone says it is. Apparently it was much harder in the original release of Prime 2, but not that much according to the wiki - apparently it did 60 damage instead of 40, which... doesn't strike me as a massive, earth-shattering change. How does anyone have difficulty avoiding its boost attack? You literally just... jump. You have the double jump by the time you fight it, so you have pretty good hang time. Yeah, the lack of safe zones is tricky, but honestly, safe zones in other boss fights turn them into a joke, so part of me is glad that at least a few don't have any. And even if health runs low... Inglets die in a single uncharged light beam shot.

And just to put the final nail in that particular coffin: Mike Wikan said he was completely exaggerating when he said he couldn't beat Boost Guardian without debug mood. So, I don't get it. Boost Guardian is only a little harder than you would expect given its placement in the game.

15) Ghor

One of the only examples of Prime 3's difficulty feeling slightly balanced leads to this being one of my favorite Prime 3 boss fights. Ghor is a target that takes a ton of punishment, with multiple phases and several layers of defense making him immune until you destroy them by using the environment and the morph ball to your advantage. Even then, he throws out so many wide-ranged attacks nonstop that it can feel like you're two entire armies condensed into one person, throwing out as much damage as possible until one of you buckles.

14) Omega Ridley

Gahhh. I'm so torn on this one. I think the easiest way to sum it up is: I love this boss fight just as much as I hate it. I love how Ridley's new powers from massive corruption mirror Samus's new abilities from her PED, keeping them roughly even just like all their other fights. I love how his only sometimes-there weak spot in his open mouth means that charged hyperbeam shots aren't the ubiquitous solution to everything that they are in nearly every other boss fight. I love how he has "health" that can't be depleted with hypermode, in the form of his phazite armor that you need to destroy with the Nova Beam. But I hate how he wastes my fucking time by flying in and out of the arena dropping unfairly difficult attacks, I hate how there are absolutely no opportunities to heal, I hate how there's no good way to run away and damage him with hypermode when he's on his last legs and his weak spot's finally exposed while he's still attacking- like I said, I love this fight pretty much exactly as much as I hate it.

13) Helios

This thing is honestly just such a cool, creative idea. It's essentially the Scornet Maestro from Pikmin 3, six years before that game came out. It commands swarms of shriekbats into all kinds of bizarre shapes, like an orb that rolls around and crushes you, an array of charging projectiles, a swirling tornado that you have to attack in the morph ball, and even a giant bipedal figure with Helios making up the tiny torso. The problem is the constant onslaught of mook enemies means constant pickups for you, so there's really no reason not to go nuts with hypermode usage and make mincemeat out of this thing before it has much time to shine.

12) Omega Pirate

Bit of a controversial placement, but I just don't especially like the Omega Pirate. Fighting him head-on is a slog - the constant absorption of all my attacks is irritating, the hit detection on his armor plates is extremely buggy, and his thrown explosives just feel completely unavoidable at times. However, using power bombs makes him a joke, especially if you have spring ball or time it so you set one off after he launches you up into the air. They're also the only way to deal with all his summoned beam troopers without going insane, so on Hard difficulty, I honestly find that my attempts at this boss fight live or die based entirely on whether his minions drop enough power bombs. Still a fun fight, but kind of a luck-based pushover once you know the tricks.

11) Thardus

You fight Thardus about halfway through the first game, which is the perfect spot for a real die-or-fly test to make sure the player is either well prepared and learning, or hitting an impassable wall until they are. To that end, just about every single ability you've acquired up to this point is integral to fighting Thardus; you need to be good with aiming and timing your shots to hit each exposed weak point, you need the thermal visor to expose them in the first place, you need to be good with the double jump to avoid getting frozen when it shoots those icy streams along the ground, and you need the morph ball and good boost timing with it to avoid its boulder-rolling attack. The way its model literally gets parts of its body deleted as you blow them up until the whole thing collapses into normal rock is just so viscerally satisfying.

Sadly, there are a few annoyances I have with it. Not being able to see anything for most of the second half of the fight is a pretty big one, since the only way to really get around that is getting close, which is a death sentence. I've also never figured out what's even the point of its big lightning-bolt-summoning attack, given it only seems to use it twice and only extremely nearby to itself.

10) Meta Ridley (Prime 3)

This is a fight that rides purely on style points, I will freely admit it- but god DAMN if it doesn't ride pretty high. Samus and Ridley are both actively falling to a gruesome death at the bottom of a power generator shaft. Despite this, they are both far more concerned with murdering each other than they are with saving themselves, as not a single second is wasted wondering how either of them are going to survive this situation after they kill the other.

Despite being an amazing premise, this fight's pretty... simple. Enough to almost get boring, but not quite. All you really to do is aim straight down or straight up and spam uncharged shots, then charge and time your shots well whenever Ridley gets close and grabs you. It's a little short, but it should be - it's a premise that shows off the depths of Samus and Ridley's unbridled hatred for each other, and doesn't overstay its welcome.

9) Spider Guardian

Boy, this one's gonna rustle some jimmies... yeah, I really like the Spider Guardian fight. But unlike the Boost Guardian fight, I can totally see why people don't like it - it's barely a boss fight in the traditional sense, more of just an extended series of puzzles that you can die to. The fact that you fight it entirely in the morph ball in a 2D space gives it a feeling unlike any other boss fight in the Prime series, and I'm kind of a sucker for "small adventure, big impact"-type stuff. Fun fact: when I first fought this thing, my emulator crashed and I had to replay it again. I fought the Spider Guardian twice in a row... without figuring out how to turn on spring ball. And you know what? I still like it. I'm the weirdo on this one, I guess.

8) Quadraxis

Some would call it sacrilege not to put Quadraxis even higher than it is, but hear me out. This is a really excellent fight, one that I look forward to for obvious reasons every time I play Prime 2. It's huge, possibly the biggest enemy you fight in the entire Prime series, and it's such a determined, persistent foe that the lack of safe zones will start to make you sweat even given how many energy tanks you're likely to have by the time you fight it.

But for all of that, Quadraxis just... doesn't do much. It mostly just stands there, circling its legs around to hide the knee joints it still has, firing projectiles that are Samus-sized - which makes them kind of pathetically small compared to the gargantuan robot that's launching them. Sure, it can do that tornado attack that draws you in, and that's a good time to lay a power bomb and destroy all four of its feet at once - but that attack is honestly more annoying than anything, because I've never figured out how to avoid getting sucked in.

The first phase is easily the best, but when it comes down to it, losing its entire body really does weaken Quadraxis just as much as you'd logically expect. It spends most of the second and third phases completely stunned by super missiles, either fired into the body's antenna or just directly into the head, respectively. The Quadraxis boss fight feels less like fighting a sci-fi war machine, and more just like fighting a real-life war machine. It's insanely durable, but also insanely non-agile.

7) Dark Samus (Prime 3)

Dark Samus's final tenure as boss fight is a pretty damned memorable one. I love how the attacks she uses mirrors those of the three bounty hunters she corrupted and killed over the course of the game - she summons giant destructible pillars like Rundas, fires huge sweeping lasers like Ghor, and splits into multiple entities like Gandrayda. This is by far the best boss fight in Prime 3, and it's absolutely because it's actually balanced for hypermode - after all, you'll be using it nonstop throughout the entire fight. Mix that with the fantastic mirror-boss feel of the first two Dark Samus fights in Prime 2, and you have something truly special.

There's an interesting element of choice whenever she uses her echoes, and then starts healing - the obvious pick is to use the x-ray visor to spot the real one, and cut her healing short as fast as possible. But on the other hand, those annoying duplicates that she loves to fuse with and become invincible are sitting ducks, and destroying them doesn't take that much time. You might find that it's better to let her heal a little if it means getting rid of her echoes and getting some precious anti-phazon in the process.

Sadly, this isn't made to last. Yeah, yeah, we all know where this is going - like I said, all phases of a boss fight are counted together, no matter how drastically different they are. And AU 313... just isn't that fun. For starters, any time it's actually attacking you rather than just sitting there using its most basic moves, you can't do anything to damage it, which is annoying at best and infuriating at worst, given that - just like the last fight with her in Prime 2 - you're on the clock to kill her before you get an instant game over from terminal corruption.

But on top of how annoying the second phase is, the third phase is just... boring. All I ever seem to do is stay right underneath it as best I can, shooting up into its weak spot or that one charged attack that sticks out from the bottom and can stun it if overloaded. Overall, it's just disappointing that the final boss of the entire trilogy starts so strong, only to go out not with a bang, but a whimper.

6) Dark Samus (Prime 2, Second)

Okay, now we're getting to the ones where I struggle to come up with negative things to say. The second Dark Samus fight is fantastic. The way it begins as a steel cage match on the ascending elevator, then she unveils new tricks when you reach the Aerie, including more moves stolen from Samus like the boost ball and fucking shinespark - an attack Samus doesn't even GET in the Prime series - is just incredible. I do find that this fight lacks a bit of the punchiness of the very first one, though - nailing that final shot to end it can take a long time, especially with Dark Samus abusing that aforementioned boost ball. Unlike the Boos Guardian, you can't even bomb her while she's zooming around to get her out of it early (or at least, I've never been able to).

5) Chykka

God, what a good boss fight. The first phase is a little slow paced and annoying, but the second phase is fantastic. Chykka's full-grown design is gorgeous, and its fight is a frantic affair where you're swinging all over the place with the grapple beam, trying to find the best ways to land hits on that twiggy body and then get behind it ASAP once it's stunned. Damaging all four wings at once is also one of the best times to use the severely under-utilized seeker missile. Honestly, Chykka feels really slept on in terms of what an excellent boss it is.

4) Metroid Prime

When I first heard there were people who didn't love Metroid Prime as a final boss, I was honestly baffled. That's how much I fucking love this thing. Its absolutely freakish design, the way you have to switch beam weapons more and more frantically as you fight it deeper and deeper into the Impact Crater, and then you have to pace your missile consumption and decide when is best to use your beam combos - I love it. I love it I love it I love it I love it. It's such a good final exam boss; if it only required bombs or power bombs at any point, it'd be perfect.

Perfect if not for the second phase, anyway. Yeah, I don't need to go into too much detail, because there's nothing new to say. It's the most boring part of the first Prime game, and it's literally the last part of the first Prime game. Nuclear jump rope over and over until it shits out a pool of phazon for you to use, and even then, the overwhelming power of the Phazon Beam as the game's final weapon is undercut by how STUPIDLY tanky this thing is on anything short of easy difficulty. The difference between the two halves of this boss fight are like night and day. If I could only count them separately, the first half would not only stand head-and-shoulders as the best boss in the first game, it would be way higher on the list.

3) Meta Ridley (Prime 1)

Okay, full disclosure, this is a very begrudging placement. The me of a couple playthroughs ago would put Meta Ridley near the beginning of this list out of spite. See, I've only ever played the Trilogy/re-release version of Prime 1, and that version of this boss fight added a new attack where he jumps in the air and then stomps, making a big flaming shockwave. He then does this literally about four or five times in a row, every single time he uses the fucking attack. It was grating, it took forever, it practically guaranteed I'd eventually take serious damage - it single-handedly made me hate this boss fight SO much.

So what happened? Well, I still have only played the Trilogy version - but I figured out that you can just about shoot him in the mouth with a charged plasma beam shot every time he jumps up. I thought this was impossible for the longest time, and so every time he used the stomp attack, I just resigned myself to making absolutely no progress for about thirty solid seconds. Now that I do know this, I've figured out that that's actually the part of the fight where you can do damage to him the fastest - and at the least risk to yourself, unlike his charging-forward attack that will turn you into mincemeat if you don't interrupt it.

So, I owe you an apology, Meta Ridley. Now that I know all the ins-and-outs of your fight, you are the best boss fight in the first game. I understand the hype now, and it's deserved.

2) Emperor Ing

I don't think I've ever understood those people that are really, really into Dark Souls as much as I do while fighting Emperor Ing. The REAL final boss of Prime 2 (no, that last Dark Samus fight does not count) is an absolutely brutally difficult battle on hard difficulty, even if you've gotten 100% item collection before you face him. And... that's kind of what I love about it.

This is a foe that is UTTERLY uncompromising. Either you dominate and destroy it, or you're dead. No in-between. Maybe not in the first phase (if you're like me and just wait until he does that swing-the-tentacles-around-on-the-floor attack and then drop a power bomb), and the second phase is more just for you to recover back to top form than anything else, but the third and final phase? My god. This is the kind of fight I wanted from Quadraxis. I wanted an enemy as brutally lightning-fast and overwhelmingly dangerous as Emperor Ing. Despite his massive size, he's just as, if not MORE agile than the Hunter Ing he resembles. With attacks that change depending on what he's vulnerable to, forcing you to either use the less effective light or dark beam despite the difficulty or unleash the annihilator beam at the risk of running out of ammo, Emperor Ing demands nothing less than mastery - as any ruler should, when you waltz up to take their throne.

1) Dark Samus (Prime 2 First)

God, this fight kicks so much ass. There's no other way to describe the first Dark Samus fight than a knock-down drag-out. She doesn't have that much health, which is reasonable given how early in the game you fight her, but she does FAR more damage than anything else you've faced before her. That combination turns this into a fight that will be over fast no matter how it goes - the only deciding factor is whether you kill her quicker than she kills you.

I think when it comes down to it, this is my favorite Dark Samus fight because it's the one that most perfectly feels like fighting another Samus. The way she leaps around, ducking in and out of cover until that becomes irrelevant as more and more of it gets destroyed, firing shots whenever she sees an opportunity and only being vulnerable as long as she deigns to stay still - that's you. That's how you play Metroid Prime. And you will never realize just how powerful this series makes you until it forces you to fight someone who knows all of the same tricks.

[wicked-jade]

hi amanda! i wanted to get your advice on something. currently i'm working on a fic and i dunno if i'm just frustrated trying to find the right words, experiencing mild writer's block, or what, but i'm feeling really inadquate as a writer right now. i feel like my writing doesn't sound mature enough and that it wouldn't be considered good or even decent by anyone in the fandom. i love what i've read on ao3 and everyone in this community is so talented; i want to be as good of a writer as them. but i just don't feel like i have the artistry and magical way with words that so many of y'all seem to have. am i just having a bad writing day, or am i actually maybe not a great writer yet? if you have any tips, please let me know. thanks and take care <333

Hi there, anon! I'm sorry you're struggling with your writing right now. If it helps you to know at all, I've definitely been there, many, many times. I think we all have; feelings of inadequacy and writing just go hand in hand. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't second guess myself and doubt my writing in one way or another.

Being in the CK fandom can be a blessing and a curse, at times. Because we're lucky enough to be part of a community that's full of extremely talented writers and artists. I'm seriously in awe of some of the works that have been produced over the years, and humbled to share that same space.

But while sometimes that can be inspiring, seeing that level of talent on display can also be intimidating. More than once I've read a brilliant, thought-provoking story on ao3, then turned around and looked at my own WIPs and wondered why I was even bothering. There's always someone who makes a better analogy, or expresses a thought more clearly and concisely, or writes a funny bit of dialogue I wish I'd written, and then I start to get down on myself. And it's a terrible, discouraging feeling.

It's times like that when I have to take a step back and remind myself that even the best writers have their insecurities. Everyone feels this way, at one point or another. But the important thing is to just keep writing. Because while it's great to have writers you look up to and works you aspire to, in the long run, comparing yourself constantly to others will only get you down.

The beautiful thing about writing is that every writer has their own, unique voice. And the only way to develop that voice is through practice. And there is nothing magical about it, lol. Occasionally, a line will pop into my head like it was delivered straight from the heavens. But most of the time, it's a tedious slog, hours spent tinkering and tetris-ing the words into the right order. Trust me, if you ever saw how many times I've rewritten the same sentence, the process would probably seem less magical and more insane. 😂

All that to say: greatness is subjective. And entirely overrated as a concept. So is 'maturity,' whatever that means. How many 'classic' or 'best-selling' novels have you read that everyone else raved about, but you thought was crap? I'm betting there's a bunch. Lord knows I've read plenty of 'great' works, and just didn't get what the big fuss was about.

Wanting to improve and grow as a writer is a good thing. As is having goals to strive for. But if everyone waited until they considered themselves 'great' to share their work, I figure hardly anything would ever get published.

So try not to worry so much about being a 'great' writer, or what the fandom will think, and just write for yourself. Write what interests you, what entertains you, what moves you and makes you feel something. Have fun with it, and don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just keep writing and practicing and honing your craft.

And when you are having a bad day, know that it's okay to take a break. Take a step back, watch a movie, go for a walk, play around with another story, go do something completely unrelated. Maybe you'll find inspiration in something else. Or maybe you won't, but either way, when you come back to what you were working on, you'll have fresh eyes and a new perspective.

As far as more practical writing tips go, I would say the thing that helps me the most, when it comes to the flow of my words, is to read them aloud. This especially helps when it comes to writing dialogue or banter. I have a background in music, so I tend to take more a lyrical approach to writing; the words have a groove. Sometimes a sentence will sound right in my head, but when I read it aloud during editing, I'll realize it feels stilted or unnatural. The rhythm is off. Then I'll tweak a word here and there, read it again, and see if it improved the cadence of that passage.

This...ended up being way longer than I anticipated. (But what's new about that? 😂) Anyway, I hope all this rambling has helped in some way, anon, and that you're able to get past your writer's block soon!

To badly paraphrase Mr. Miyagi, trust that your writing roots are strong, and don't be afraid to choose your own way to grow. I know I'm looking forward to all the stories you have to tell! 💖💖💖

[chromatic-lamina]

fic writer asks!! i’m really curious about these three:

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

🌈 is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

☯️ how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

thank you!! ♥️

Hello there!

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

Keeps me sane. I think it's something I'm good at and something I enjoy doing, so I think I should do it if I feel driven to do it. Balance is important of course. Also, I can write, with some stuff, scenarios or character studies and relationships that I'd like to see.

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with? Let me have a look. Not really, no. For me, anyway, fanfiction is easier than original fiction. I try to write well, but I'm more likely to possibly be happy with a scene with fewer drafts than I might in original fic. I want it to be, basically, not stressful, even when I'm writing dark stuff. As a matter of fact, fanfic can be an avoidance strategy for me, so I'm more likely to write it when I'm a little stressed, than it actually stressing me. I have deleted and re-uploaded some of my dark fics (and even non-dark), a few times because I felt I didn't have enough confidence to deal with any potential backlash, and I get insecure sometimes (that was probably in response to crickets. Haha).

There are probably a number of scenes in my fics that I worked hard

at and it's good if the seams aren't showing. I don't know that anything was a struggle. I find if you're really struggling with something it's good to go on to a later scene and come back to the scene giving you trouble later (if it's a multi-chap), or write an 'and-then' draft, where you just get a big pile of prosaic sketching, really, on your page. And that's hard, cos' it can be kinda tedious, but once you've got that, you can really dive in and have fun with character, scene, dialogue, etc. I'm not discounting anyone's writing struggles. I've been there. But probably fanfiction has struck me this way.

Like, there is no such thing as a filler chapter, dudes. If you're bored with the final result, probably your readers will be too, so sometimes you've got to knuckle down, isolate, pick apart, put back together, and proceed. And nine times out of ten, I end up loving those paragraphs/ sentences / chapters. I don't think I answered the question, but there you go!

☯️ how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

Interesting question. I can only speak for myself. I joined tumblr after maybe 3 years of writing fanfic, and I wasn't on twitter or discord. I belonged to a fanfiction subreddit, but I think the sub-reddit served to make writers more nervous of social media than not.

I was pleasantly surprised. tumblr and twitter helped me to see how much of fandom occurs away from AO3 or FFN, for one (most of it). And some story links I've posted haven't done badly in notes (which, let's face it, for fanfiction is when it goes into the teens), but people have also left comments on my work saying they saw my post on twt or tumblr, and even it my post didn't get me any notes, etc., it did get me some readers who left really nice comments, which was excellent, so it served its purpose.

People must curate their own experiences. I've banked a lot of self-worth on whether I get kudos or comments, and I'll still have dips, but the thing is, that for most people (not all), getting some traction is a bit of a long slog. Like, it was probably 6 months to a year before I really connected with anyone over my fics, and lots of good stuff came well after that.

But, although I do think it's important that community members support one another if the community is to be sustainable, individuals in that community need to know what they can or can't do. And there are different personalities, so different horses for different courses. Even stuff like these ask games can sometimes do a lot. Plus, I think lots of folks in fandom have a very intense attention span of a fly. So I'd also advise not to get too attached. People come and go.

Also, I don't think it hurts to research (like, I didn't!) on the fan fiction platform before uploading. If a writer's fic is OCxOC take a look and see how the OC fics go in the fandom, and tether expectations to that. Even if someone as a reader reads outside of the box, once they become a writer, they might want to realise that if they're writing what they like to read, it's no less valuable, but it might not be as popular as the more common tropes etc.

And really, if , say, you're flooded with antis or negativity, etc., on tumblr, twitter, etc., use the block/mute button. Delete where you can, and interact with folks that you vibe with and cruise along. If the social anxiety is too high, just stick to posting fic and disengage.

Thanks for the ask!

I've answered ✨ 💫 📡 , 🤲 , 🌈 , ☯️ and I'm about to answer: 🎈💥🎀 (way-hey! They look so bright in my inbox!!). The ask is here if anyone else wants to ask!

[glarehand]

canon divergent hc once again. i only have those kinds of hcs tbh

golbez struggling to understand his identity unrelated to war

kain visiting golbez, who has returned to earth after a stay on the moon but refuses to leave his secluded space near mysidia, coincidentally near where he was born, aside from the behind the scenes, almost night vigilante esque, work he does to fix what he destroyed

he asks what exactly golbez gets up to otherwise, having asked barbariccia the same--curious as to what a fiend gets up to in her spare time, considering all she has is free time

and he says he studies magic, reads magical texts and texts on wildlife and herbs (if he can’t learn white magic, he might as well learn to craft potions)--basically learning things to study and grow, doing so to better himself and understand his powers outside the frame of waging war. he wants to do things to see if he can do them, how he can push the boundaries of spellcasting for himself and his own gratification

but even then, he says he’s not quite sure how to engage with things that aren’t in the vein of magic and gaining knowledge. not that it doesn’t interest him or that he wrongfully considers it an important part of himself, but he just

he’s never read a book

he’s only ever heard music in passing, has never listened to it on purpose

his fingers are clumsy with writing utensils (which is understandably chalked up to the sheer size of his hands) and although he has vast knowledge, including reading difficult texts and writing/thinking in intricate ways, he wouldn’t know where to start getting his thoughts down in a descriptive sense

yes, he considers his interest in magic to be for pleasure but he doesn’t know how to engage with more than that. doesn’t know how to do things others do, both human and lunarian

kain considers himself both cursed and blessed by his lineage, immersed in all the culture and glory that comes with being a dragoon but also the bloodshed, a life that necessitates violence but craves an end to it

especially after the war, he’s able to reorient his understanding of it back to peacetime, to when training had the goals of protecting something or improving one’s own abilities or sustaining a rivalry and pushing one another or even just to jump high enough to see the sunset unconcealed by trees

he has the family ties to see his rank as a dragoon and a commander untarnished by war, with the capabilities for so much more than bloodshed

but golbez is just learning now of what he’s been unexposed to, wouldn’t know true enjoyment of something if it physically wounded him in the process

“i borrowed non-magical texts for the first time,” he explains, the usage of “texts” to refer to fiction in a non-educational setting an immediate indication of his unfamiliarity with it, “i’m. not sure if they’re good or not”

a small smile graces kain’s features and then golbez’s as well

“i’m not much of a reader myself but liking it is more the point than if it’s ‘good,’ although it can be a real task to get through if it’s really that bad”

“is it more common to find something written poorly or...?”

“i suppose executed poorly is more the case but if you find yourself thinking it’s garbage just... pick something else”

“good advice for everything else too, i suppose”

“music’s the same way, maybe even more obviously so”

“although i’ve certainly heard music in passing that is... ‘not good’ and i’m more accepting of that i think”

“yeah, i know what you mean,” kain agreeing that hearing someone put their heart into music, even if it just sounds like clanging, is more endearing than having to slog through written text. as if being graced with self-expression through music versus being cursed with textual over-confidence in one’s (lack of) abilities

golbez asks in turn what kain does when he’s not working--or what work is compromised of if war isn’t being waged

he can relax into conversation then, describing literally anything golbez could fill his time with

“as dragoons, we protect the castle, which mainly means staying vigilant but it allots great chunks of time just to catch up with others while we wait, doing stretches or rotating breaks or offering up help to the carpenters or guard if they need an extra hand.

we have more training-heavy days but even then, it’s only a competition if someone’s interested in making it out to be one. there’s no point in hierarchy when we’re all to contribute to the same task or when dragoons, depending on location, work in entirely different ways.

both my fathers (his birth father and adoptive father, richard, being referenced here--we’re operating off of mixed ff2/ff4 canon) rode dragons and never jumped like baron’s dragoons do, baron’s dragoons thus having no experience with wyverns.

if a dragoon was judged solely on the height of their jump, neither of my fathers in all their valor would be considered good enough, so i see no point in being strict about qualifications other than desire to do good for baron or in some circumstances, ourselves.

but on off hours it’s ensuring no one’s made a martyr of themselves on the clock, drinking some, goading your brother into doing both taking breaks and having a drink (golbez smiles)

sparring, trying to learn healing from rosa, talking about anything until it gets dark, exploring anywhere in town we think we haven’t studied closely enough. playing cards

helping my mother fish and bring her catch to market, bartering with the other townspeople and trying not to cut my fingers off hacking fish apart, making sure the elderly get their picks first. appreciating those bartered, community-made goods like some kind of dragon’s hoard. taking the wyvern back home out into the forest, “training” with her, if you’d consider doing tricks and trying to outrun her training

i haven’t tried art but i think if it’s hands-on enough and it can look bad the whole way through then...”

golbez laughs at that and the depth of it rumbles in kain’s chest, despite the low volume

“maybe i’ll try that then. i could stand to try something new and do it poorly”

“doing something poorly for the first time in your life?”

“oh no, absolutely not” and they both chuckle, far less serious about themselves than they assumed a year ago