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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

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Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal /#vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

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punkassrichie · 7 years

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yo for the prompt ask, some angsty 49+50 that ends in not quite angst, but not quite fluff if that makes sense? like reddie or stenbrough or bichie or whatever works?

i have no idea how long this has been sitting in my inbox and i apologize but here it is !!! i also decided to go with Bichie because it’s such an underrated ship and i loVe it!!¡

oh, and… i made it more angsty than fluffy bc apparently fluff just doesn’t flow with me *shrugs* and it’s longer than i wanted it to be but hope you still like it!

Bichie + 49. “I’d rather die.” + 50. “Please… I need you.”

Warnings: angst, mentions of abuse, suicide attempt, underage drinking, vom-vom

special thanks to @trashmoutheds & @trxshmouth-t0zier bc they helped me (STEPH HARDLY DID BUT WHATEVER STILL LUV U SNAKEY SNAKE) anyway, ily guys and thank uuuuuuu 💖

(if my html tags don’t work i’m gonna kms k bye)

—

Richie’s had enough.

It wasn’t enough when he already had shitty, neglectful parents, but he also had untreated ADHD which really put him on edge sometimes and even though he knew he was book smart, he was still failing his classes simply because he can’t concentrate most days. And half of the time, this was okay to Richie. He could live with this.

But then he thought he couldn’t live with heart break.

He thought Eddie felt the same. He really did.

He confessed his feelings to him, in hopes that the smaller boy would feel the same. But he didn’t.

Some may say the boy is exaggerating, but Eddie was the only thing keeping him happy. Along with the other losers but they didn’t make him happy like Eddie did. He didn’t love them like he loved Eddie.

Richie was in love with Eddie.

Problem was, Eddie wasn’t in love with him. He loves him sure, but Eddie isn’t gay.

Eddie tried to let him down the best he could, which Richie appreciated, but it still hurt. It really fucking hurt.

He cried himself to sleep that night.

But very deep down inside of him, he knew that it was okay. That he couldn’t do anything about it and Eddie would still be his best friend forever.

He got a glimmer of hope, that he could live knowing Eddie didn’t feel the same for him.

Until the one time his alcoholic parents decided to finally notice him, Richie wasn’t in the mood. They were putting him down, telling him he was good for nothing and he wasn’t going anywhere in his life. His mother always reminding him about how she wanted a daughter instead of him. Richie stood up to them for once, causing his father to beat him to a pulp. His father told him to never disrespect him or his mother again when he was done.

It had been a few days since then, almost a week. Richie hadn’t been going to school, partially because his face was bruised and he didn’t want people, who didn’t care, asking questions.

But mostly because he was thinking about just… ending it all.

Sure he had his friends who loved him to death, but even then he thought– no, knew, that they were getting sick and tired of his jokes. Of him.

Since things were getting bad fast, he turned to his coping mechanism which was to be as inappropriate and as loud as he could be. He couldn’t help it, truthfully, but his friends didn’t believe that.

Every time they hung out it was “Beep beep, Richie,” this, “Beep beep, Richie,” that. He couldn’t take it anymore.

He thought everything would be better if he was just gone… forever.

So he decided. He was going to kill himself. He couldn’t take it. The constant pain. He didn’t have anyone he could turn to. Eddie used to be that person but now Richie thinks Eddie is disgusted by him. No, he knew that he was.

He walked over to his bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. His parents had different kinds of stuff. Richie knew that if he took enough, he would succeed.

In the back of his mind, he knew that there was a way to fix this. He knew he could just talk to his friends and maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

But he didn’t want to seem weak. He didn’t want to seem like he needed anybody. He’d rather take the pills than show any kind of emotions to anyone. Last time he tried doing that, he got rejected. And it still hurt.

But maybe… just maybe…

“I’d rather die.” Richie whispered to himself as he thought it over one last time. And it was true. He would rather die than talk about his feelings, just to be rejected again. He looked at the bottle of pills, knowing that it was the only way.

He took them with a small bottle of whiskey his parents had in their liquor cabinet.

He took a whole bottle of pills, and after a couple, he was already feeling a bit dizzy. But he kept going until he was finished with the bottle.

He went back to his room to lay on his bed. He was panting and sweating, his insides feeling stiff and his stomach feeling queasy.

He hadn’t realized he still had the empty bottle of pills in his hands until he clutched it against his chest.

That was the last thing he remembered before blacking out.

His last thoughts being, “This is the only way. The only way to make it all go away.”

—

Bill had become worried of Richie lately. He knew he was dealing with a broken heart, but he didn’t think it was bad enough for him to miss a week of school.He asked Eddie if he knew where he was but he didn’t. He hadn’t talked to him since Richie told him how he felt.

And if Eddie was being honest, he felt a little weird to be around him. Maybe they just needed some time apart, he thought.

Bill knew what went on in his house, just like Richie knew about Bill. Their parents were both neglectful but Richie’s were worse. They both knew that.

Ever since Georgie died, Bill had been relying on Richie. Richie was his shoulder to cry on. His ear to listen. Richie was always there for Bill. So much that Bill didn’t realize that no one was there for Richie. He tried to be, but Richie always avoided the subject of talking about his feelings. He only ever talked about his parents on two occasions with Bill because he wasn’t in his right mind.

He grew incredibly concerned and knew something wasn’t right. Bill decided to go to Richie’s after school.

He biked over there as fast he could, barely saying goodbye to the other losers.

When he arrived, he threw his bike on the lawn and ran to knock on the door.

Something definitely didn’t feel right.

It took him a while to notice that his parents weren’t even home.

He tried opening the door but it was locked. He settled for climbing over a window that was opened in the kitchen, hoping that both of his parents were actually gone.

He didn’t have time to catch his breath because Bill really did had a horrible feeling about this whole situation.

And when he walked into Richie’s room, confirming his bad feeling, he started freaking out and crying.

He still doesn’t know how he knew but he didn’t have time to figure it out. He could see the empty bottle of pills from a mile away in Richie’s hand, so he had to get them out. He rushed over to Richie to see if he was still breathing, but he couldn’t tell. He started shaking up and shouting his name to try and wake him up.

When Richie wouldn’t wake up, Bill started bawling. But he couldn’t stop. He had to figure something out.

Before he knew it, Bill was basically dragging Richie to the bathroom.

It took him a while but he got there. Richie’s body didn’t feel like he was dead. It was still warm.

Bill propped Richie up the best he could over the toilet bowl as he stuck his fingers down his throat.

Nothing was coming up at first, making Bill lose his small glimmer of hope.

”Please… I need you.” Bill sobbed as he desperately tried to get Richie’s gag reflex to act up.

Suddenly, Richie started sputtering and throwing up the pills.

Bill sighed with relief.

“Yeah, t-t-there you go, b-buddy… Get them o-out.” Bill sniffled as he rubbed Richie’s back.

In the middle of Richie’s retching, he began sobbing.

“I’m so sorry, Bill.” Richie hiccuped.

Bill held him the best he could and cried with him.

“It’s okay, Rich. You’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

—

After nearly an hour of Richie throwing up, crying, and apologizing, Bill got him to clean up.

While Richie was in the shower, he cleaned up the bathroom and himself since vomit went everywhere, then went to Richie’s room. He looked for some clean, dry clothes for Richie to wear when he got out of the shower.

Bill placed the clothes on Richie’s bed and headed downstairs to make some tea for Richie. He figured Richie would have an upset stomach after what happened.

When he was done, he went back upstairs, careful not to spill the hot tea on the floor or himself.

He entered the Richie’s room to find Richie laying on the bed, sobbing softly with a towel around his waist.

Bill felt his eyes well up with tears again but he knew he had to put his feelings aside. He had to be there for him like Richie had for a long time.

He placed the hot mug on Richie’s bedside table and walked over to Richie to put his arms around him as tight as he could. Bill knew all he needed was a good cry. Just to let it all out before he was okay to talk about it. Even if he didn’t, Bill would still be there for him.

Eventually, Richie calmed down. Tears were still in his eyes but he stopped shaking.

Bill didn’t know what to ask. How to ask. He couldn’t ask him if he was okay because he clearly wasn’t. He was feeling horrible and didn’t know how to comfort him.

“I️-I️ thought the pain would stop… But i just made it worse.” Richie let out a gut wrenching sob at the last word of his sentence.

“It’s okay, Rich.” Bill breathed out, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “You’re okay. Everything will be okay.”

Richie turned around and hugged Bill back like his life depended on it. He thought he was done with the sobbing, but yet, there he was, crying into Bill’s chest as soon as Bill laid beside him.

And Bill just held him until Richie fell asleep.

—Tags: @spicyymoon–lovve @whipashwhipash @eddie-kaspjack @rainy-kaspbrak @theperksofbeingawallflwer @richie-n-eds @eddiekaspbraklives

#bichie #my prompts #angst #THIS IS MORE sad than i wanted to be iM SORRY

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ofstaffs · 7 years

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steve steve was absolutely walking on air. the weather was amazing and he was enjoying it with the woman he loved. of course, it wasn't a totally perfect afternoon due to his endearing clumsiness. after his second time dropping the venue folder, they decided it was better if peggy carried it instead. other than that, it couldn't have been better. "i really like the meadow, if i'm being totally honest," he glanced at peggy as they walked under a cluster of trees in magnolia park. "but the park is fine too, of course."

steve: im screAMING

peggy: OM G CUITE

peggy: CUTIE

steve: the ghostbusters theme song came on while i was writing thiS

peggy: HAHAHAAHHA

peggy she didn't think it was possible for her to love him anymore. the bold and the brave captain america was stumbling over his own feet and dropping the folder each time he held onto it, papers flying everywhere, which required a ton of chasing. she hadn't laughed more in her whole life, and she was sure she had never been more infatuated with someone in her life. "i know, i do too. i just wanted to look around here to see if it was a backup choice," she explained, craning her neck to glance around.

peggy: lets just do them for a bit then ill bring rey in

steve: okie dokie

steve "you know, the first wedding i went to was out here." steve spoke, pointing at the patch of grass by the fountain. it wasn't exactly an enjoyable experience; they hardly knew the grooms and there was quite a bit of drama at the end of the night. he decided to leave out the fact that he brought a date to it. "you would have hated it. it ended in absolute chaos." he laughed quietly, knowing his future bride wasn't one to put up with people's shit.

peggy "oh, dear. maybe we shouldn't have it here, then. i don't want people to be reminded of bad memories when they come here," she said, biting her lip in concern. then she glanced up at him with a teasing smirk. "you know that if anyone tries to start /anything/ at our wedding that i'll deal with them myself." they couldn't exactly hire security; plus, they didn't need any. the groom was captain america, after all. "i don't think you'll let that happen, though," she winked.

peggy: omfg deans rper will not stop chatting me

peggy: like

steve: my ot4 tbh :,)))

peggy: actually

steve: im confused on how it all happened so fast

peggy: they kind of pushed it on kathryn and i

peggy: im convinced the mun is the same person

peggy: they're literally the SAME

steve: nO WAY

steve: mia's rper chats me a lot too so

peggy: yep

steve "i can only think of one person who'd be bothered." steve shrugged. that person was rey. she left early on in the ceremony and sprayed someone with beer when she returned. but at that point, he wasn't even sure if she'd show to his wedding. "i know you will." he grinned with a raised brow, tightening his grip on her hand lightly. him and peggy had already waited way too long for someone to ruin it. "hopefully everyone just keeps their issues to themselves."

steve: if somebody hijacks the steggy wedding i will take it ooc

steve: no shame

peggy: ya tru

steve: i feel like dia would tbh not trying to be rude

peggy "they better," peggy agreed with a firm nod, placing a hand on his cheek then slowly smiling again. "but i don't care if /everything/ goes wrong. as long as i get to be your wife at the end of the day. that's all i want. that's all i've ever wanted." she leaned up to kiss him softly, wrapping her arms around his neck.

peggy: BLESS

peggy: ok im gonna bring rey in]

rey joined the chat 2 hours ago

steve: yaaaasssssssss

rey getting some fresh air was nice, as her dispute with derek was still ongoing, and she felt like she had the opportunity to really clear her mind of everything. until she stumbled across a couple. as soon as she saw the red and blue clothes (did they plan that or did they always just coincidentally dress that way?), she knew exactly who it was. she clenched her jaw but let out a sigh and tried to walk past without her face being seen, tilting it away as much as possible.

steve: does steve stop her orrrrrrrrrrrrr

peggy: probs

peggy: i didnt know how else to bring her in lmao

steve "trust me, you'll be my wife no matter what. even if it means i have to become a minister and do it myself." he chuckled against her lips, gladly welcoming the kiss. naturally, he got too carried away, wrapping his arms around her waist and stumbling back slightly. he didn't even think about anyone else in the park until he felt his back brush against another person. "oh, geez. i'm sorry about that," the avenger apologized to this person behind him, before he quickly realized who it was. "rey?"

steve: i just did that instead whooops

peggy: nice

peggy peggy pulled away as soon as steve did, glancing at the person he had, literally, bumped into. uh oh. hopefully he wouldn't be recognized. she smiled apologetically and began to say sorry when steve said the girl's name. peggy's smile faded as she stared up at him, then chuckled softly. "is-is this a friend of yours?" she asked quietly, nervous about the expression on his face.

rey oh, great. clumsy steve, back at it again. she rolled her eyes and turned to him, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. she was sure she looked horrific, given she'd been bedridden for five days, but finally seeing peggy in person for the first time shocked her most of all. she really did look like her. at peggy's question, she just glared up at steve again before firmly replying, "nope."

rey: ouch

steve: damn steve, back at it again

peggy: i kept saying that in my head while writing jrc

peggy: jfc

steve "uh..." he stammered, glancing between rey and peggy. oh god, they looked so much alike he was getting confused. he genuinely did not know what to say. rey and him had a large falling out, sure, but they were so close. they were still friends in his eyes, best friends even. his eyes narrowed at her once she spoke. "no. she's tony's friend."

steve: yiggity yikes

peggy peggy's shoulders straightened at steve's words, and she stood protectively at his side, hand on his arm. "tony stark is no friend to us. it is obvious that steve doesn't want you around, so i recommend that you keep walking before i have to take action."

steve: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

rey rey couldn't tear her eyes away from steve. her expression was a mixture of heartbreak, anger, jealousy, and distress. she missed him, but seeing him with peggy angered her beyond belief. she clenched her fists at her sides as peggy spoke to her, then raised her eyebrows. "believe me, i think that's the best idea, seeing the last time i spoke to your fiancé, he threw a coffee table across the room."

rey: riP

rey: sry im replying so fast im like trying to do this fuc kn g study guide

rey: WHY DID I PORCRASITINA

rey: ETE

steve: UR DUMB

steve: WHAT CLASS IS IT FOR

peggy: US HISTORY

peggy: FML

steve: WRITE STEVE ROGERS FOR EVERY ANSWER

peggy: O K

peggy: ITS OPTIONAL TOO

peggy: BUT ITS 20 PTS EXTRA CREDIT

peggy: KMS

steve steve was stupid to think this day wasn't going to get ruined. he expected the cops would have something to do with it, not rey. not his /best friend/. he glanced at peggy once she spoke, but rey was already retorting before he could catch up. "that's enough." the expression on his face was enough to kill. no more clumsy, adorable steve. rey awakened the beast that was captain america. "so where's derek this lovely afternoon?"

peggy peggy's head snapped up to glare at steve slightly. "so /that's/ what happened? you threw a coffee table because you were angry?" she asked in disbelief. but the expression on his face was not allowing for any chastisement at that moment, so she turned back to rey, watching her carefully. obviously she had done something to make steve, sweet, kind-hearted steve, angry and she didn't like it one bit.

steve: http://66.media.tumblr.com/902d809ec25de... LOOK AT THIS

rey "he's at home. i wanted to go on a walk, so here i am." she'd only mumbled a few words to derek before leaving, but she didn't tell him that. she was too afraid he'd poke fun at her for having a failing relationship. two at the same time. just in very different ways. "oh, but i see you two are planning your wedding. you know, that's funny. the last time steve was at a wedding, he brought along a date. but i'm sure he's told you that."

peggy: DED

peggy: REY ST OP

steve "yes. but you should let rey tell you what she said to make me so angry." he spoke through gritted teeth. he could almost hear rey's angry outburst about peggy and bucky leaving him. his hand flew up to his nose, pinching the bridge of it as she continued to spill like an immature child. "i brought natasha romanoff, my colleague. interesting that you bring up the wedding, rey. recall your little beer incident?" two could play that game.

steve: steve rn: (ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง

peggy "yes, i /would/ like to know that," peggy snapped to rey, crossing her arms firmly across her chest. anyone who upset steve had to deal with her. "i understand. you didn't want to be alone at the wedding. i get it," she assured him then turned back to rey, furrowing her eyebrows as steve brought up one of /her/ issues.

peggy: omg steve should do like a rly low blow

peggy: and then rey will just strt cr ying

peggy: bc i need them to make up

steve: how low u talkin

peggy: as low as u want

steve: idk how low i can go

steve: damn is this limbo

peggy: truth

peggy: idk like her being abandoned by her family or smth

peggy: or her problems with derek

peggy: or her family issues

peggy: rey has a lot of things to use against her ok

steve: i'll talk about her trying to get derek to propose cause i got an anon bout it

peggy: make it bad tho

peggy: or else rey will just be angrier

rey rey's eyes widened slightly as her expression darkened. now /he/ was digging. this was bad, and was surely not going to end well. she wished she had derek here to back her up. if he even would at this point. "well YOU'RE the one who had feelings for me while you said you were in love with /her/!" she exclaimed, motioning carelessly to peggy.

steve "why don't you tell her." steve looked down at his friend demeaningly, unable to bring himself to repeat her words. "at least i don't have to beg the love of my life to get marry me. i know who i love, rey, and you're sure as hell not one of those people when you act like this." the captain spat, grabbing his fiance's hand. "let's go, peg."

peggy: shIT

steve: shawty got low low low low low low

peggy "is that true?" peggy tried to ask steve after rey explained how he had feelings for her. if so... that was shocking. extremely. but at steve's words, she froze. ouch. that was a harsh one. but it was necessary. so peggy swallowed thickly and held on tightly to steve's hand before turning and beginning to walk away with him.

rey no... he couldn't have just said that. had he? he /had/. he didn't love her. once upon a time they were inseparable, spending every day together. first he had used derek against her, and then he outright said he didn't love her. not even as a friend. her hands clasped over her mouth in shock as her eyes fell shut, not even acknowledging them anymore. silently, she began to sob as she slowly crumpled to her knees on the ground, slightly ripping the comfortable pajama pants she had on, decorated with stars. she hated this. she wanted her best friend back.

steve "it was." he admitted swiftly, avoiding her glance. it was before he knew peggy was alive. it was a mistake, all of it was. she had a boyfriend anyway. right as he's ready to turn on his heel, rey falls to the ground in front of them. at first he thinks she's hurt, so he accesses her body quickly until he realizes she's just crying. oh no. was it really that harsh? his jaw clenched as her scene attracted attention from civilians in the park. "rey... just get up, okay?"

peggy "steve," peggy gasped as soon as she saw rey fall to the ground. they were friends at one point; and she knew steve wouldn't want to see his friends hurt. even though it was obvious she was just crying, she knew steve would still want to help. maybe. so she stayed back but watched carefully as he approached her again, hoping things wouldn't get worse from here.

rey rey simply ignored them both, covering her face with her hands and tucking her knees to her chest as she continued to cry. after all they had gone through together... that was what he now thought of her? simply because she was jealous? sure she had said some things that went over the edge, but he knew she hadn't meant them. but his words... he meant each and every one. and she didn't care that he was now seeing her break down right in front of his eyes. she couldn't hide her sorrow anymore. she cried even harder as she leaned forward slightly, threading her fingers into her hair.

steve steve pursed his lips, sending peggy one last apologetic glance before crouching down next to rey. he wish he could comfort her like he used to, but it felt too unfamiliar to him at the moment. "c'mon, rey. get up." he curled his hands around her forearms, making sure to be gently while he pulled her to stand. he meant the words in the heat of the moment, but now he was beginning to regret them. "i didn't mean it, alright?"

peggy peggy nodded her head swiftly as her eyes saddened. she knew he had to take care of this. he needed as many friends as he could get here in magnolia, seeing as they had enough enemies. and she didn't want one friendship to be ruined because of some simple jealousy. she kept some distance, but watched closely with a sympathetic expression as he tried to apologize.

rey "no... no..." rey cried as he, literally, tugged her up to her feet. it took a few moments for her to get a stable stance on the ground, but when she finally did, she began wiping at her eyes as her sobs became almost completely silent. "y-you did- you-..." she tried to say, but only wept harder, wiping at her eyes yet again and trying to move out of his grip. she was beyond humiliated and ashamed now and just wanted to go back inside where no one could see her.

peggy: wtf im tearing up

peggy: this is rly sad but its also bc of this study guide LMAO

peggy: but mostly bc of this bc aw

peggy: i miss my bbs

steve: omg dont crrrrrrrrrrrry

steve: im sobbing this sad ass song just came on my shuffle i feel it

peggy: right omfg

steve: speaking of shuffle wdyt about the plot shuffle

peggy: what about it

peggy: did they post it

steve: no they just talk about it when they get clique qs

peggy: oh lmao tru

steve: ive never done one b4

peggy: idk ugh

peggy: bc i dont want rey or peggy to be stuck with chars they've never interacted with

peggy: fml

steve: same dude

steve: can u imagine if peggy and negan had to be 2gether

peggy: riP

peggy: steve would be freaking tf out the whole time

steve: steve would literally bust through every door in magnolia to get to peggy

peggy: i love him what a nerd

steve the expression on rey's face caused an ache to spread through his chest. "i didn't, i-i swear." he murmured softly, struggling to hold back the lump in his throat. he couldn't believe he let his anger get the best of him and cause this. the last time he saw rey this upset, it had something to do with snoke. she was right, he lost everyone he loved. he always did. he looked back at peggy with forlorn eyes, almost as if he was making sure she was still there.

steve: im cryin

steve: ldr just came on im gonna fight

peggy: whats ldr

steve: lana del rey

peggy "it's okay," peggy mouthed to him when he turned to look at her, making a silent promise that she wasn't leaving anytime soon, unless he asked for privacy with rey. she understood that she wouldn't understand their friendship, and she didn't try to. it was for them, and none of her business. unless steve was being hurt.

peggy: nice

rey "you /did/, you did," rey sobbed, beating her fist weakly against his chest two times then just crying again. maybe if she wasn't so weak from the concussion, bruised ribs, and all the medication she was on, then she would've run away by now. or maybe she just didn't really want to run away. she wanted to stay, to bring back what they once had. "l-leave me alone," she pleaded anyway, attempting to tug her arms out of his grip, to no avail.

steve he let her hit him once again, her fists rekindling memories from their last fight. "stop, s-stop!" he curled his hands around hers, pushing them away from him. "stop this! stop trying to fight me, rey. i don't wanna fight anymore!" who would have thought, steve rogers, the kid who would fight anything or anyone, begging to avoid a quarrel.

steve: im screAMI

peggy: riP

peggy "steve," peggy gasped when he raised his voice, immediately stepping to his side and placing a hand on his shoulder. but she didn't stop him from speaking to her. he wanted this solved, and she didn't blame him. so she let it continue, and would only step in if things got really bad.

rey "then why would you /say/ that to me?" rey sobbed in distress, trying desperately to tug her hands out of his, though, obviously, that was impossible. he surely wasn't even using half his strength and she was using everything she had in her weak body. "y-you don't want to be my friend, you-you don't love me anymore..."

peggy: im em o

peggy: r u here

steve: IM HERE

peggy: YEET

steve "i'm sorry," steve looked down, letting his head hang low. he was apologizing to both of them at this point for losing his temper and control. "yes i do, rey! i never said that," his eyes were wide in confusion, "do you even want to be my friend? every time we're near each other we fight!"

peggy "it's okay, steve. m-maybe we should take this somewhere more private, though," peggy whispered, noting how people were beginning to stare at the three of them. if steve was recognized... the location of the wedding would be the smallest issue.

rey "of COURSE i do! i-... i miss you..." rey admitted, her voice thinning out to hardly nothing as she said it, finally peeking her eyes up to look up into his own. then she sobbed again as she shook her head. "but-but not after you said that. n-no... y-you meant every word... e-every word..."

peggy: midnight rip

peggy: and still working on this piece of shit.

steve: jesus h christ

steve steve nodded, instantly cooling down when he heard her voice. peggy was his happy place. any place, any situation; if peggy was there, he could do anything. "no i didn't, rey." his brow furrowed and his face fell once again. "let's go home, okay? come with us."

peggy peggy held onto steve's arm gently, though he was still holding a fragile rey up. she wondered to herself why she looked so sickly, but kept her thoughts to herself as she led them both inside, and up to their apartment. "i'll get some waters," she offered and stole a kiss when rey wasn't looking before moving into the kitchen to do so.

rey rey didn't want to go to their house, to where the two of them spent their time together. but the stress was overwhelming and she needed to sit down, but she didn't want to go to her home just yet. she still wanted desperately to fix things with steve. she let him practically pull her up the stairs and past the door, feeling too weak to do so at that point.

steve "okay." steve whispered quietly against her lips. he lead rey's weak frame to the couch, passing over the spot where the coffee table used to be. "-uh, are you alright?" he questioned, refusing to let go of the grip on her arm.

peggy "you don't seem too well," peggy agreed, bringing over a glass of water for each of them and setting it on the little makeshift table they had in place of the coffee table. she knelt before them and looked worriedly up at steve, silently asking him what was going on.

rey "yes," rey exhaled as he sat them down on the couch, closing her eyes and bringing her hands to her head. "i... d-derek and i were pushed down a flight of stairs... i hit my head and got knocked out. and bruised a couple of ribs... w-we went to the hospital and now i'm on five different kinds of medication..."

steve steve shook his head at peggy's questioning look. he had no idea what was going on. whatever it was, it was more than just her being upset. she looked horribly fatigued. "what?!" he exclaimed loudly. the floorboards in the house might as well vibrated at his staccato.

peggy: omg steeb my bb

steve: he cares so much about his girls

steve: peggy, rey, nat, wanda

peggy peggy's hands came up to her mouth at rey's admission, looking over at steve in shock. oh, no. she knew her steve; and she knew the guilt would hit him /hard/ after this. "i-i'll get some ice," she whispered immediately and jumped up, jogging to the kitchen to get some ice to cool rey down.

rey for some reason, she assumed steve had known about her injuries. but how could he possibly? they hadn't spoken in weeks. "i-i'm sorry, i thought you knew..." she admitted honestly, nodding in appreciation as peggy went to get her ice. then she moved her hair out of the way so steve could see the stitched up gash near her temple, with sweat-soaked bandages covering it.

rey: im emo

steve way to go, steve. he felt absolutely terrible for everything at this point. all previous guilt he had was superimposed at her admission. "o-oh, god, rey. i'm so sorry." his gaze fell to his hands, which he quickly retracted from her forearms and placed in his lap. once peggy returned with the ice, he gave peggy his best attempt at a smile.

peggy peggy knelt in front of them yet again as she finished wrapping the bag of ice in a paper towel, giving a small, hesitant smile back to steve. "back of your neck, darling," she said to rey, handing it over carefully. any friend of steve's was a friend of hers. she was choosing to look past their differences, as they obviously wanted to as well.

rey rey shook her head. "i-it's okay, i should've told you..." she whispered, feeling bad that she'd, accidentally, of course, kept him in the dark about it all. it was why she couldn't stand up when he told her to, why she couldn't leave when all she wanted to do was run away. but maybe it helped them reconcile in the end. "thank you..." she whispered to peggy and placed the pack on the back of her neck, leaning back against the couch pillow with a slow exhale.

peggy: LAST PAGE

peggy: ITS SO LIT

steve steve instantly sat up from his spot once peggy administered the ice. she didn't need to be on the floor anyways. "i don't blame you." after the whole coffee table mess, who would want to speak to him? he acted like a complete and utter fool in their apartment and in the park. "i'm sorry."

steve: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

peggy "no, no, no," peggy mouthed reassuringly, shaking her head and helping him to sit again. "you sit, i'm okay." obviously rey wanted, or needed, his support right now, and she was sure he needed hers as well. they had just come back together, after all.

rey rey opened her eyes and looked sorrowfully over at steve, shaking her head gently. "don't apologize, it's my fault too... i-i didn't mean anything i said either, i just wanted your attention again..." she admitted. speaking of... she looked down at peggy sadly. "i-i'm sorry i was so jealous... it led me to do things that i wouldn't usually do. bad things, and it wrecked my relationship with the best friend i've ever had. so i'm sorry..."

steve steve responded to peggy's refusal with a tight lipped nod. "you didn't wreck anything." he murmured with sad eyes. "i shouldn't have got angry when you told me what you did. i acted the same way when you were with derek."

peggy: omg wtf when did u get here

peggy peggy smiled kindly and nodded to rey, gently patting her knee. "it's alright... everything's all better now," she reassured her with a light, soothing tone. obviously she and steve were very close, and it made her sad to think that they'd spent so much time apart because of peggy herself.

rey right... derek. that was a whole other ordeal that she still had to sort through. her eyes closed slowly as she let out a heavy sigh, readjusting the ice pack on the back of her neck. "i don't know what's going on with us now..." she admitted quietly, peeking up at steve again. "i want to be married to him... /so/ badly, but... but he's still not ready yet. and it's been /two months/... we've known each other for three of them... he doesn't understand that i haven't had a real connection with anyone for fifteen years... i don't want to waste anymore time in my life..."

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survivor-mesopotamia · 4 years

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Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

youtube

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair.

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

youtube

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

youtube

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME!

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

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lebilliam · 7 years

Text

Hey sirmcartney asked me to do this

I’d rather be doing this over my school ish anyways :’)

Ask me some questions!

3 Fears: Ghosts :((( , fat insects , failing stuff

3 things I love: i fukin love talking to my friends and hanging out , listening to music that i havent heard in forever, and that post workout glow

2 turns on: i can send them memes :) , i can laugh and not give a heck with them

2 turns off: i cant send them memes :( , being mean to me (im sensitive af)

My best friend: zoo wee this is a hard one but id prob say logan or brian or adam or morgan or alex. take ur pick. (morgan and logan tbh)

Sexual orientation: str8

How tall am I: 5′9″ according to my ID

What do I miss right now: intimacy

Favourite color: orange!!!!!

Do I have a crush: ;)

Favourite place: currently ive been digging the imagination room

What am I listening to right now: affection // Cigarettes After Sex

Shoe size: it varies on the brand but normally 9.5 or 10? idk im bad

Eye color: brown

Hair color: black

Meaning behind my URL: its bc i wanted a recognizable alias that i could use across platforms

Favourite song: i always say liztomania by phoenix

Favourite band: Maroon 5 fanboy here but ive been a fan of Cigarettes after Sex for a while now

How I feel right now: STRESSED and ANGERY

Someone I love: myself (kinda)

My current relationship status:

My relationship with my parents: we dont really talk that much but good i think?

Favourite season: oof i like the heat but im gonna say winter bc i get to be emo and i can go walk on fresh snow

Tattoos and piercing i have: none atm

Tattoos and piercing i want: hmmm idk if i want anything big but i always thought the track shoe/wing thing would be nice

The reasons I joined Tumblr: all my friends had it so i thought i would be cool if i made one

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: i have gotten some before and i appreciate them

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: the last person i texted? surprisingly no

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: depends if i shower but i can get going in ~4-5 minutes

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: nope!

Where am I right now?: imagination room!

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? hell yea who doesnt

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? not atm im chillin #dormlife

Am I excited for anything?: excited for the weekend

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? hell to the yea of course

How often do I wear a fake smile?: everytime i feel weird around people idk usually i wouldnt say i smile that much unless im gooning

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: I believe that the world will introduce me to people when i need it (lame answer: idk anyone but maybe like my friends’ friends)

What do I think about most? this week it’s been the french essay i had to write but overall i think about being appreciated

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? id be on both sides if i could but if i had to pick one id totally be in front

What was the last lie I told? oh haha i dont know (but i do know)

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? PHONE CALLS

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Hell yea what else am i supposed to be afraid of. aliens are super cool man of course i think theyre real

Do I believe in magic? NOPE! but theres been some crazy magic tricks where i almost believe but then i see the “how it’s done” video for it

Do I believe in luck? hell yea of course! why would it not exist?

What’s the weather like right now? ughgh it’s disappointingly hot

What was the last book I’ve read? Huis Clos by Jean Paul Sartre (i had to read it for class but it really is a great work of art)

Do I have any nicknames? B, Lil B(ones i have heard the most) Billiam, Broletariate Biu (my mom calls me that), (billy bear is an old one and i dont know why they ever used it in the first place), goomph, toad, frog, ugly ass, nerd, dork, dingus

Do I spend money or save it? i spend it haha kms i really need to save more efficiently

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?: nope just tried and looked like a fool

Favourite animal? oof i want to say dogs but thats basic but dogs are so loving like i dont get it how do they do it

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: i was up and i was emo. jk i was hanging out and watching bad Freshman xxl cyphers

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Get Low by lil Jon or Faded (the remix) or change your mind by the killers. im gonna go ahead and say that change your mind gets my shit hyped UP

What is my favorite word? satiation

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: idk if im going to be honest i dont really use tumblr that much for personal blogs but i do love foodporn, til, ruined childhood

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? love each other.

Do I have any relatives in jail? i dont think so? oh jk theyre not really a relative but they’re a close family friend’s relative

What is my current desktop picture? FUKIN FUNCTIONAL GROUPS THAT I DONT EVER KNOW OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD EVEN THOUGH THERES A TEST IN 10.25 HOURS

Had sex? ye

Bought condoms? ye

Gotten pregnant? cant really say that i have :p

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? yes

Had job? yep! summer job at the zoo which was cool af

Smoked weed? once or twice

Smoked cigarettes? never.nope.disgusting

Drank alcohol? yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? i tried being vegetarian for a bit but then i wasnt eating enough red meat

Been overweight? as a kid i feel like i was overly big but now that i think about it i dont think i was fat

Been underweight? definitely

Gotten my heart broken? homeboy who hasnt?

Been to prom? yeep

Been in airplane? yeep

Learned another language? heck yes! english kek and im in the process of learning french. i tried learning lithuanian after a life changing experience.

Wore make up? surprisingly no

Dyed my hair? nope! i dont want to bleach my hair

Had a surgery? uhhh does laser surgery count? bc ive had 3 so far and i might have more

Met someone famous? every time i walk by a mirror ;) jk i met the senator of WA and the mayor of Tacoma a couple times

Stalked someone on a social network? pfft hell yes

Been fishing? yep! it’s always an experience

Been rejected by a crush? rip me yes

What do I want for birthday? i want to have a nice get together with friends where we do stuff that i dont have to pay for (but i dont think thats how life works anymore)

Do I like my handwriting? I love it in pen and when i hit my ecrivain stride, but otherwise when my hands get sweaty its just a fkin mess

Where do I want to live when older? i’ve always said paris, but zaragoza spain wouldnt be too bad!

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? yea boi

What I’m really bad at: believing in myself

What my greatest achievments are: i was a smart kid in elementary! i got some awards for getting good grades and i went to a competitive thing for piano once and i placed a couple times in some random races ive run

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: oof i dont want to really relive that experience

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: id ask /r/personalfinance

What do I like about myself: id like to think im gaining/losing healthy weight

My closest Tumblr friend: on tumblr?? idk i said i dont really use tumblr for friends but i’d probably say memequeen or sirmccartney

Any question you’d like? when am i going to meet up with my RA? no one knows idk i forgot about our meeting and hes really cool about rescheduling so i might do it this saturday

Are you outgoing or shy? it really depends on how im feeling but id like to think im pretty outgoing!

What kind of people are you attracted to? NICE FRIENDly people who can laugh. laughing is important to me

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? personally i think yes

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? nope!

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? @thoseloverseyes most def

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “haha and then what ;)” jk it says” thank”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? boy oh boy am i not ready for this question. Id think “this love, maroon 5″, humble (its a bop), “the air that i breathe, “open - rhye”, and rollin by calvin harris or this house by japaense breakfast idk the last one always changes

Do you like it when people play with your hair? i had a weird experience once but idk i think im willing to let other people touch my hair? not a fan

Do you think there is life on other planets?of course. this topic is not up for debate. just bc our defition of life has not been found that does not mean that there is not life in other places where we are either 1) not looking or 2) life that we cant recognize due to our weird weird obsession with water like life does not have to use water as a conduit for essential functions

well that was fun and id say it took some time. it def got me feeling better about life. 7.8/10 i would do it again but im sweaty af from this hot ass room

peace!

#personal

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queer-obviously · 7 years

Note

1-100

Is a kiss considered cheating?In most cases I’d say yes

Have you ever faked orgasm?Nope

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?The ability to control time

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?Nope, I’m gonna be broke AF in college still

Tell us some funny drunk story.Never been drunk so none

Why are you no longer together with your ex?Partially bc I mentally was not stable enough anymore to be in a relationship, partially bc I didn’t want to have a serious LDR, and partially bc I just didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Doing something good, or doing something crazy

What are your current goals?Get accepted to the college I wanna go to, not kms, and also get as many tattoos as possible

Do you like someone?No

Who was the last person to disappoint you?My mom

Do you like your body?No

Can you keep a diet?If I really want to, yeah

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?Global warming exists, and punch a nazi plz.

Do you work?Will be soon, I’ve been having to go to a LOT of dr. appointments and so I haven’t been able to work this summer

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Mac n CHEESE

Would you get a tattoo?Already have one and I was 6 billion more.

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?Shoes

Can you drive?Yeah

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Don’t remember

What was the last thing you cried for?My rat

Do you keep a journal?No

Is life fun?Sometimes

Is farting in front of people irrelevant???

What’s your dream car?I want a VW bus or like a small school bus that has the inside all decked out w like a bed and shit so I can travel.

Are grades in school important?YEA

Describe your crush.Doesn’t exist

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?None

What was your last lie?“I’m okay”

Dumbest lie you ever told? I carved my brothers name into the wall and told my mom my brother did it to get me in trouble...

Is crying in front of people embarrassing?Yeah(for me)

Something you did and you are proud of?Didn’t flunk out of HS

What’s your favourite cocktail?None

Something you are good at?Arguing

Do you like small kids?No

How are you feeling right now?eh

What would you name your daughter/son?Idk

What do you need to be happy?Food

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?A nazi

What was the last gift you received?My mom gave me money

What was the last gift you gave?I gave my mom art

What was the last concert you went to?Watsky

Favourite place to shop at?a Vans store

Who inspires you?Idk

How old were you when you first got drunk?Never

How old were you when you first got high?16 I think

How old were you when you first had sex?16

When was your first kiss?15

Something you want to do until the end of this year?Idk

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?Dated my first gf LMAO

Post a selfie.No

Who are you most comfortable around?Rn probably Kody

Name one thing that terrifies you.Death

What kind of books do you read?Depends on my mood tbh

What would you tell your 12 year old self?Do better in HS and make more friends.

What is your favourite flower?It used to be roses but I don’t like them hardly as much anymore.

Any bad habits you have?Used to smoke everyday, now I only do it when I’m very stressed.

What kind of people are you attracted to?Older women.

What was the last thing you cried for?Rat- already said

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?too much to list tbh

Are you in love?Nope!

Something you find romantic?I don’t fucking know lol

How long was your longest relationship? About 22 months

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Periods, when they are straight, and pregnant people irritate me idk why.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? When they talk about how big their dick is, when they argue about how big their dick is, or when they talk about their dick in general.

What are you saving money for?Tattoos and a road trip.

How would you describe your bad side?Bitch

Are you actually a good person? Why?I think so, but I don’t do shit to spite people and I’m not mean to people for no reason at all.

What are you living for?Honestly idk

Have you ever done anything illegal?Yeah but nothing THAT illegal.

Do you like your body?already answered

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Yeah when they are doing the same thing to me.

Ever sent nudes?Not like actual nudes, so not really.

Have you ever cheated on someone?No but apparently they think I have.

Favourite candy?Currently jolly ranchers

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!No

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?Not really anymore, used to be OBSESSED with Minecraft

Favourite TV series?Idk

Are you religious? Does God exist?Not religious, and idfk

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?Last book I read was a textbook, so no.

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?I’m a pescatarian so it’s good.

How long have you been on Tumblr?uhh I THINK 5 or 6 years

Do you like Chineese food?not really

McDonalds or Subway?neither

Vodka or whiskey?neither

Alcohol or drugs?neither

Ever been out of your province/state/country?Yup

Meaning behind your blog name?I’m obviously gay

What are you scared of?Rocking chairs and I’m afraid of someone dying while I’m with them

Last time you were insulted?Been a while so idk

Most traumatic experience ?Not gonna say lmao

Perfect date idea?Buying me food and then leaving lol

Favourite app on your phone?Probably tumblr

What colour are the walls in your room?Black and whire

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?Yes but I like tooooo many to list one.

Share your favourite quote.I don’t have a favorite quote but the favorite thing that I say is “Goodbye, bitch.”

What is the meaning of life?Dunno

Do you like horror movies?Dure

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?yeah bc I’m a disappointment lmao

Do you feel lucky or special in a way?nope

Can you keep a secret?yup

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surveys-at-your-service · 8 years

Text

Survey #80

oh wow, sorry for the inactivity ya’ll. been busy with moving and no internet...

is your hair damaged? no, it's very healthy, actually. people love my hair, makes me feel amazing tbh ;;u;; who was the last person you threw out of your life? um idk really. i rarely throw people out... i believe in fixing relationships. most, realistically, are salvageable. how many hours did you sleep last night? like... none. e_e has someone disappointed you recently? yes. a friend was acting rather immature last night. do you prefer hot or cold weather? COLD COLD COLD are you afraid of roller coasters? yup. are you shy? VERY!!! do you hate it when you go over to someone’s house and do absolutely nothing? no, so long i have my phone or laptop. what color is the hair of the last person you kissed? black does the last person you kissed wear glasses? nope you’re on your way home from a night out, and you’re sure someone is following you. what do you do? drive to the nearest police station. what colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? only black what color ARE your lashes? black what font do you usually use? a small version of arial or garamond. do you put gel or mousse in your hair? i do not. ever used to have an imaginary friend? no actually. ever used a dreamcatcher? if so, did it work? nope. ever took ballet, jazz, or tap dancing classes? jazz, hip hop, clogging, modern... wear a specific necklace every day? i do not. are you an affectionate person? very. what is something you are proud of? graduating in the highest tier of my graduating class. time of day you were born? 11:20 A.M., i think. are you a boy or girl? girl how do you want to die? idk, really. some pretty painless way. ever made out in the bathroom? no. are you scared of spiders? most. do you have piercings? how many? yes, two in each earlobe. i've HAD many more, buuut... long story. want any more? yep. labret on lip, snake eyes on tongue, right side of nose, more on my ears... have you ever been on a horse? i have. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? i have, much to my dismay. do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? doubt it. ever been to alaska? i wish! what’s your zodiac sign? aquarius do you like subway? ye what is your least favorite color? brown or like, puke green. do you like to read? not anymore, no. what’s something you’re really passionate about? m e e r k a t s ! ! ! ever been bitten by a snake? nope a spider? not to my knowledge ever had a job? if so, what and for how long? two, yes. gamestop sales clerk for like a month. dollar general cashier for legit four days lmao. ever won yourself a stuffed animal? sure ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? i think. do you like lollipops or suckers? yeah, sure. favorite fruit? strawberries favorite vegetable? broccoli favorite meat? chicken do you drink energy drinks? nope. ever used crest white strip? no, but i'd like to. do you want to cut your hair? i need it trimmed. do you have any scars? shin and chin is your profile private? my facebook one? yes. what artist do you have the most songs for in your itunes/music library? ozzy osbourne or metallica what’s your blood type? a- do people ever say your name wrong? how do they say it? no. it's such a common name, so. which do you like better, biographies or autobiographies? autobiographies, imo. do you think that your parents give you a lot of freedom? even at 21, no. which do think is classier, black clothes or white clothes? black have you ever seen a ghost? explain: idk. i KNOW i've seen some inhuman entity walking on all fours once before, but idk if it was truly a "ghost" do you like oatmeal? eh, i'm picky. can't have too much milk, i'll tell ya that for sure. are any of your friends in a band? no. what is the worst food experience you’ve had? eating brussel sprouts omg never again do you know how to tap dance? i know how to clog. same thing, just different shoes for a different sound effect. what’s your favorite flavor of skittles? RED OMG when was the last time you used oil pastels? high school art class do you know who edward gein is? hmmmm... wasn't he some serial killer or even a satanist, something along those lines? name sounds familiar. think there's a character in the silent hill franchise in his name. if pot was finally legalized, what would you do? idk if it's legal in nc, but anyway, i still wouldn't do it. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? inside do you prefer an automatic or a manual transmission? automatic who is your favorite disney character? not sure, maybe mufasa. if you’re staying home all day, do you bother getting changed or do you just stay in your pajamas? stay in pajamas. if you don’t drive - how come? if you do - how old were you when you got your license? i have my permit, but i don't drive much because of anxiety. i am a nervous wreck, and i'm not comfortable endangering other's lives. have you ever caught a tadpole? ye. (: what kind of dog would you get if you could choose any breed? right now, a chow chow. how often do you listen to rap? like never. do you have the boobs to work at hooters? boobs, maybe, but not the body. granted, i'm only a d because of my weight. when i wasn't overweight, i was a c. are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you? yes, and my mama. if someone of importance checked your profile, would you be embarrassed? what profile, my facebook? not really. has anyone ever told you “forever”? AND YET HE'S NOT HEEEEEREEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :D which is harder - walking in the snow or sand? sand, omg. do you like sour candy? YEAH in one word, how would you describe your best friend? honest. is there a song that reminds you of your best friend? "friends" by... i think it's blake shelton? she's established that's "our song," which i think is so cute. ;w; what's annoying you right now? even just a little bit counts. okay so a friend from high school was talking to me via facebook last night, and he just... did something that REALLY got under my skin. first let my say that in high school, he admitted to liking me. i liked him as a friend; i hadn't known him long enough to really establish an "i like-like you" attitude yet. well, we drifted apart, not that there was ever anything much holding us together. anyway, he and i were messaging each other for a very short period of time when he asked me if i was seeing anybody, said no, then he asked if i liked him, and i was just like... uhhhh... no??? bc i haven't seen him since high school??? sooo tell me how i would have any valid feelings??? and more importantly, tell me how he'd have valid feelings for ME after so long??? idk, it just honestly pissed me off because it made me feel like he was after an easy piece of meat with no emotional connection. he hasn't messaged me back yet, and i, frankly, don't care if he does or doesn't. have you ever painted a car? no are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? no. the worth isn't there, imo. have you ever been into a real cave? oh, i wish!! have you ever posted mean comments on youtube? oh i can say with certainty i have as a pre-teen. i was an obnoxious lil shit when i first started actively using the internet. what was the main subject of your last telephone conversation? i was telling mom i was throwing up, so my anxiety was bad. have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? yup. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated? mike's hard, i think. do you think the next person you kiss will be a better kisser than the last person you kissed? impossible. is your all-time favorite television show still on air? i wish, but no. are looks important in a relationship? very!! very!! slightly!!!! i believe emotional chemistry is incalcuably more important, but simultaneously, having a physical attraction to your partner is something that increases your connection. i used to not believe this and you probably don't either, but ponder over it for a while. it does hold slight weight. do you believe in love at first sight? absolutely not, it's rubbish to believe you can "love" somebody just by fucking looking at them. the idea is laughable. do you ever want to get married? i do. do you shower every day? no, that's horrible for your skin. i shower every two days. have you ever experienced unrequited love? yes and tbh i'd rather die have you ever written a song or poem for someone? poems, yes. what’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? i don't actively look for it, but hmmm... i'd say decent/healthy teeth. who are five people you find attractive? 1.) link neal is actually daddy; 2.) jason/my ex; 3.) adam levine ain't bad; 4.) chris hemsworth; 5.) oh my actual god i almost forgot mark fischbach/markiplier what's your profile picture? i'mma cover for... almost everywhere. this tumblr: me; main tumblr: link neal; facebook: me; km rpg: rhett mclaughlin laughing; deviantart: my oc what's your dad's name? kenneth, but everyone just calls him "ken" do you still have feelings for an ex? very strong ones do you like the rain? ye!! what is your favorite fruit flavor? strawberry which two friends can you see together as a couple? idk, i don't really "ship" my friends what was the happiest moment in your life? dancing to "stairway to heaven" with jason on prom night, in my front yard, in the headlights of his old truck. would you be brave enough to spend an entire hour alone in a cemetery? yeah. got a phobia you want to share? whale sharks. lmao. how many places have you traveled to? name them. new york, michigan, florida, ohio, tennessee, virginia... who are the 3 greatest living musicians? oh god. errr ozzy osbourne, otep shamaya, james hetfield. what’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been? michigan do you feel like a leader or a follower? i'm a follower, usually. if you had to live in a different state, what would it be? utah would you rather win an olympic medal, an academy award or the nobel peace prize? nobel peace prize what is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen? "the rite" scared me ONLY bc i am horrified by the idea of being raped by a demon, nevermind satan what is your favorite thing about the beach? the shells and starfish! what’s the worst thing you did as a kid? i hit my little sister multiple times would you ever donate blood? i have before, but idk if i would again. it was so stress-inducing. do you wear hats? no. have you ever seen your best friend cry? i have. have you ever been a vegetarian? nope. do you find lube pointless for regular old intercourse (not anal)? yeah, honestly. if you're technically turned on, your body pretty much takes care of it? which sex position would you find more awkward: anal or some really crazy vaginal intercourse position (check wikipedia if you can’t think of any crazy ones)? anal will always be weirder to me. do you ever wear temporary tattoos as an accessory? no. when was the last time you had a panic attack? two nights ago what’s your favorite color to wear? black. it's a flattering color. clay, crayons, markers, pastels, charcoal, or paint? pastels have you ever broken anything because you were mad? no are you ticklish? yup. why were you last hospitalized? i tried to kill myself. do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? baked. mashed is gross. do you like bread sticks? omg you have no idea what state were you born in? north carolina have you ever been to an art gallery? sure. do you have the same political views as your parents? most, yes. what are you listening to? a jim gaffigan stand-up if you could make your lips bigger, would you? IF i could just snap my fingers and it's be that way, maybe. i'd have to look in the mirror again lol are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? sure am. what’s the funniest commercial? omg the sexy mr. clean one bc i CRY do you own any form of a gameboy? we have three. i think two are broken, though. what’s your favorite store in the mall? hottopic. have you ever seen a cat with blue eyes? ... yes? would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? which one more? never bought condoms before, so i can't really say, but pads/tampons, nah man. periods are just a totally natural part of life for a woman, nothing to be embarrassed about. if you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? hot topic is preferable what color is the computer/laptop you’re on? did you buy it yourself? it's black, but it has a pink zebraprint cover on it. and no, it's my older sister's technically, but now it's mom's. do you have a second home? not anymore. does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? all of them. the worst is weed though, oh my GOD it stinks. was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? two years older. how often do you drink monster? never. it's nasty. have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? you forgot to mention cringey. oh, the pre-teen years. do you own a nightgown? no. have you ever worn fishnets? for dance, probably. i'm not sure. is someone in your family affected by asperger’s? no. would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? *CHOKES ON DRINK* do you always wear your seat belt? always! are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? welp. here goes. high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, asthma, depression, bipolarity, cancer is in question, and i can guarantee i'm forgetting some... do you have asthma? no. my mother and grandmother do, though. last person to take off your pants, besides you? jason might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? so long i can bring my camera! do you have a bull ring through your nose? no. thought about it, though. do you and your dad get along? yep. can you see your purse right now? indeed. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? yes. i have allergies, so i sometimes use it even when i don't have a cold. do you actually like sneezing? ... does anyone? do you wear skirts a lot? i haven't worn a skirt in years. how many pairs of jeans do you think you have? i have no jeans. just yoga pants and sweatpants... are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? hell no. do you love your computer? yes ;-; do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? with mom. do you like zombie movies? no particular opinion. what’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? saw an old lady puke on the floor once when i was little. scarred me for life. x-what’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen? this was never told to me, but to my mother: let your husband be your head/be very submissive to everything he wants. fuck that. have you ever volunteered in a hospital? if not, would you ever want to? no no no no no no no. have you ever had to give a pet away? cats, yes. did you play pretend a lot as a child? were there any recurring plots or themes? oh definitely. and i don't think so... has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? oh, you mean like evolution? have you ever meditated? if so, did it do anything for you? not the whole "ooohhhmmm" deal, but yeah. it only stressed me out. are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now? ozzy osbourne- probably metallica- no otep- no marilyn manson- i don't believe so rammstein- no cradle of filth- don't know a day to remember- no what kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? besides birds, squirrels. occasionally a possum at night. do you have any physical photo albums? sure do. do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? dad loves his dad, mom loves her mom, but she pisses her off and offends her a lot. do you have a favorite hoodie? the one i'm wearing now! it's dark gray with pikachu sleeping on it and it says "current mood." :3 do you have a twitter? it exists, but i never, ever use it. is anyone in your family artistic? besides me, my cousin is. what do you want to do after high school? after high school, i went to a community college very briefly. quit. took a break. went to a university. quit. are you emo/gothic/punk? eh. would you date someone 20 years older than you? definitely not.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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anything-advice-blog · 6 years

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Submission - LJ (TW: depression, anxiety, and mentions of suicide)

A bit of background:

-My best friend has depression and most of the time ignores me. It’s very hard for me to deal with. - I️ think I️ have depression and anxiety. As depression runs in my family. But I’ve never been diagnosed. It’s almost constant any more since April/May that I️ think “ I️ want to KMS or I️ hate myself” but I️ don’t want to die. I️ understand the pain that loss causes and I️ never want to pass that on to any one. I️ know that I️ really want to start living.

- friends: all my friends that I️ view as my closest I️ know don’t view me as a close friend the same way. And I️ can’t say anything w/o coming across weird and clingy. Like you know my best friend has depression and she ignores me most of the time so I’m like how much of that is her depression and how much is bc she isn’t my friend like I️ am hers? I️ don’t want to call her out on it because Ik she has depression and her being anti social is part of that, but is it possible to be depressed and not be anti social bc that’s how I️ feel. Like I️ know that if I️ truly do have depression (I’m too scared to go find out even tho I️ really want to) it’s because I️ WANT to be with my friends and they pm ignore me. Like I️ have to text first etc and they usually only respond like 25% of the time.

- I️ probably have a breakdown of sorts a few times a month to the point where I️ cry so hard I have a migraine for the rest of the day and I’m pretty messed up the next day too. Sometimes I️ talk to my mother (I’m 20 tho) about how I️ feel and it’s all the usual it gets better etc crap. But when she was my age she had more of her life together than I️ do. And even tho she also has depression it’s almost like she doesn’t understand how I️ feel? Every once in a while she asks if I️ want to go see a “counselor” and to be fair I️ want to see a therapist I️ think it’s be good for me. But it’s the way she gets all scared when she asks it makes me act offended so she’ll calm down a bit from mama bear mode.

I️ have no idea what do do here… I️ feel so empty and full at the same time I️ hate it. I️ wish I️ could just properly live. Please note I’m not in any danger of hurting myself or anything. I’m just so lost in what to do now I️ want to be better. Thanks -LJ

Hey love,

First, I want you to accept the offer to receive help. All moms are going to act like that when they think that their child is in danger or is not well in any way. That’s how moms are. They love you and they want you to be okay. It doesn’t mean that you are weak or that you lack anything. So please, accept her offer to see a counsellor or a therapist.

I don’ know if you have depression or not. Hopefully seeing a professional will allow you to receive a proper diagnosis and help. I can, however, say that depression varies for people. Some become anti-social and want to be left alone. Others seek the company of others. Some feel more drained around people and others feel energised by it. For me, it depends on the day. Sometimes I love and crave the presence of another person and other days I don’t want it. However, over the years, it becomes solely based on whom I’m around. Some people just drain me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them or that I don't think they’re good people. They just require more effort for me to keep up the image of normalcy than others. So while your friend may not want company, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t suffering as well.

Does your friend ignore just you or does she pretty much close off to there rest of the world? Remember that you don’t have to compare your friendship with someone. You don’t have to treat someone less nice because you don’t think you’re #1 on their list. Friendships shouldn’t be about ranks. it should be about how you make each other feel. In my group of friends, two of my friends are closer to each other than I am with either of them. However, I don’t feel that they love me any less because of it. So while she may be your #1 friend and you’re her second, it doesn’t mean she love you any less. Maybe she knows someone longer. Maybe she’s just more comfortable with someone else. Or maybe she’s the type to close off when she’s having her depressive moments.

It may also help to think about whether or not your friend is just bad at social media. She may be the type of person who forget to text back all the time because that’s just who she is. It doesn’t meant hat she’s ignoring you. it just means that she’s bad at checking her messages. I would recommend that you bring this up to her and talk through it. Hear her concerns and voice yours. Talk to each other. All relationships depend on good communications so talk to her. Work it out with each other. If she isn’t willing to, then you’ll know where you stand.

It’s amazing that you can see your problems and definitively say that you want to start living. That’s one of the harder steps for a lot of people so take this a sign that you deserve help. You deserve to get better. You deserve to stop feeling like you are less than enough. Whether you have depression or not, you deserve to be able to talk to someone about your concerns and have them help you work through it. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by our emotions that we can’t see logic through them. So talking to a counsellor can help us do that.

I hope everything works out.

Always buy our side,

Kelly

#depression #anxiety #suicide #mentions of suicide #feeling depressed #trigger warning #kelly #answered #submission #advice #advice blog #anything advice blog #friendship #friendships #best friend #lj

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quenchmagazine · 7 years

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Is Pinot Noir getting a bad rap? If not, then how come people the world over still refer to it as the “heartbreak grape”? It’s a reflection of the belief that, even in a good vintage, and for the most seasoned of vintners, Pinot can pose significant challenges. But that may not be so much the case in BC, where Pinot Noir has been flying under the radar for some time now.

If the variety truly is as soul crushing as its reputation suggests, then how come there aren’t a whole bunch of broken-hearted BC winemakers lying around lamenting their failures? If anything, the opposite is true.

All around BC, Pinot appears to be coming into its own — even if it’s still somewhat overshadowed by Syrah. Indeed, you could be excused for thinking it’s the latter that has emerged as BC’s red grape of choice. Following a string of good vintages, the Rhône variety has rightly gained plenty of attention, scooping up medals like nobody’s business.

But the numbers speak for themselves.

Syrah, which is actually planted mainly in the South Okanagan, on Skaha Bluffs and the Naramata Bench, actually accounts for only 4.1 percent of the province’s production and ranks seventh in production (2015). By comparison, Pinot Noir continues to make gains, especially in areas once considered outliers or “borderline ripening” wine regions. In fact, it now accounts for 7.83 percent of the province’s total production and ranks fourth overall, after Merlot, Pinot Gris and Chardonnay.

As overall plantings in BC have increased dramatically in the last few years, Pinot Noir has more than kept pace, recently eclipsing Cabernet Sauvignon. Yields have almost doubled in five years, which seems to have come about for a number of reasons.

In the last two decades, a changing climate has had many implications. For instance, plantings of Pinot Noir in the south Okanagan, once quite common, are now a rarity. Only a few remain, as wineries explore with other more heat-tolerant varieties — such as Syrah. Elsewhere, however, the reverse is true.

There are also less tangible reasons as to why Pinot Noir is on the rise. As the BC industry matures, and winemakers seek out a more sophisticated customer, there’s a need to fill a niche that maybe wasn’t there before, in a post-Parker world that heralds a return to elegance and subtlety long overlooked. Plus, as BC’s food and wine culture matures, Pinot Noir is emerging as the more flexible red that works with everything from wild salmon to mushrooms, duck and more, as well as many local cheeses.

In any case, the number of BC wineries choosing to concentrate on Pinot is steadily growing, from a short list including the likes of pioneering Blue Mountain (the first BC winery to focus on Pinot Noir), Cedar Creek and Quails’ Gate, to well over a dozen very Pinot-driven purveyors, such as Spierhead, Meyer, Tantalus, Howling Bluff and more.

What’s also changed is that BC Pinot Noir is no longer an “also ran” varietal but has emerged as a serious, terroir-driven contender that can hold its own beside wines from Pinot-centric regions around the world.

Fuelling that image is the realization that Pinot Noir offers a more precise expression of the terroir than most other varieties. What this means is that Pinot is very much part of the movement that’s drilling down which grapes do best in specific pockets of the Okanagan and elsewhere.

Moreover, a by-product of the warming climate, regions once considered inhospitable to red vinifera have stepped forward. On Vancouver Island and the Gulf Islands, in particular, Pinot Noir has become increasingly successful, with some formidable proponents, such as Averill Creek owner Andy Johnston.

Johnston has been leading the Pinot charge on the Island for well over a decade now. He was among the first to grasp the true potential for the variety, convinced early on that, handled properly, Pinot could produce a wine comparable on a world scale.

Averill Creek also helped sow the seed for others. At nearby Unsworth Vineyards, which was established less than a decade ago, Pinot Noir is emerging as the flagship wine. In fact, Unsworth’s 2014 Pinot Noir was selected as this year’s Canadian Culinary Championships Gold Medal Plates Mystery Wine. Another Island winery making a name for itself, Blue Grouse Estate Winery, is also highly committed to its program, now producing a single-vineyard Cowichan Valley Pinot under its Quill label, as well as a fuller bodied, more firmly oaked, estate-grown wine.

Other outliers beyond the Okanagan now coming on stream include Fort Berens in Lillooet, 250 km northeast of Vancouver, and Baillie-Grohman, in the Creston Valley. While by no means as Pinot focused, both of these producers have shown they have no problem in growing satisfactory Pinot Noir, with plenty of potential.

The drive for perfection

Given that BC at large, and the Okanagan in particular, are such young growing regions, most people when they jump into winemaking don’t have their minds set on making Pinot Noir, says Howling Bluff’s Luke Smith.

It may not have been his original intention but the Naramata Bench winery owner is among a handful of winemakers taking Pinot to the next level. His wines consistently win medals at important competitions, including no fewer than four notoriously challenging BC Lieutenant Governor’s Awards for Excellence in BC Wine, which recognize only a dozen out of some 400 entries each year.

Smith who, along with his son Daniel, turned a former peach and experimental apple orchard into an award-winning vineyard, believes some of the Pinots being grown around him are already “world class.”

He admits it’s purely subjective but bases his opinion on comments made by visitors to his wine shop from all over the world, whom he always asks what they think. He’s noticed a real change in the typical tasting room visitor compared to five or seven years ago.

“Then, the average person was learning about wine and would say ‘what have you got?’ Those people still come. But now, a significant number will say, specifically, ‘I’ve heard about your Pinot Noir.’”

He says many travel from south to north, starting in Russian River, through Willamette and ending up in the Okanagan, tasting Pinot all the way.

While he’s happy to offer accolades for peers elsewhere — citing more northern 50th Parallel as an example — he feels the Naramata Bench, in particular, offers a unique series of varied terroirs.

Smith feels that the Naramata Bench is unique in that there are three observable differences. “All you have to do is drive a convertible [in the] early evening in late summer along Naramata Road. What you’ll notice is significant temperature variations. What you feel is the cold air being channelled down the chutes and streams. It’s important, because it shows the presence of cooler air so beneficial to Pinot Noir,” says Smith.

“On average, everything on the east side of Naramata Road was never underwater. The soil is glacial till, gravel boulders, rocks and so on. By comparison, everything on the west side is ‘stardust’ from millions of years ago, where it hit Okanagan Lake and created hundreds of feet of silt. Literally, in a space of just 15 metres, you get wildly diverging soil types. Add to that where these cuts are, where a stream has occurred. Over time, as it carved its way through, it brought materials down from the east side of the road to the west.”

For Howling Bluff, says Smith, that results in three distinct terroirs: “very mixed material, rocks of all sizes, from what used to be the bottom of Three Mile Creek; 10 metres away, nothing but silt; and then, on the other side of the road, just rock, gravel and dirt.”

“All that, combined with the microclimates caused by the cuts, as well as the warming effect of the lake in winter, and cooling in the summer, results in a narrow band that’s ideal for Pinot Noir,” he suggests.

A plethora of Pinots

No better proof exists of Pinot Noir’s newfound popularity than the annual BC Pinot Noir Experience, which attracts more than 300 enthusiasts to Kaleden’s Linden Gardens. The 2017 edition featured 34 producers grouped among the rose bushes and leafy walks, along with canapés from prominent chefs, a break-out session on clones and a wrap-up live band and dancing. On hand to offer his comments on was Richard Hemming MW, who writes for jancisrobinson.com, as well as many others. (At the inaugural BC Pinot Noir Experience in 2015, keynote speaker Steven Spurrier suggested BC’s potential might one day rival Burgundy.)

As fully intended, the event is anything but a typical, formal wine tasting. Rather it’s more a down-home celebration of the variety, with a chance for everyone to connect with the people behind the wines. And it’s all and only about Pinot, with a range of styles and vintages poured from across the province.

Now in its third year, the festival was the brainchild of Meyer Family Vineyards winemaker Chris Carlson, who brought it to fruition with JAK Meyer and Luke Smith. Another key organizer, Tantalus winemaker David Paterson, makes no bones about his love for the variety.

“We believe that Pinot Noir is the number one red grape in the Okanagan,” says Paterson, who also happily embraces the opportunity that BC enjoys as a still emerging region.

“I think one of the best things about BC Pinot right now… is that everyone is only now learning their terroir. Every year it seems to get better. Most of the best sites are only 10 to 15 years old.”

Paterson suggests the more northern, granite-based soils (such as at 50th Parallel) “yield ethereal, lifted wines.” Further south, the more full-bodied wines reflect their more dense, silty soils. He reckons the variation in terroirs “is what makes BC Pinot special” — and reminds us that globetrotting viticulturist and soils specialist Pedro Parra likes to compliment the Okanagan for its “glacial barf”!

In the absence, so far, of an Okanagan flagship grape, says JAK Meyer, “We feel that Pinot Noir is one of the few that should be a signature varietal — and that it’s starting to emerge that way.”

Howling Bluff’s Luke Smith is even more bullish. He says, “We’re maybe just a vintage away from the world taking notice of BC Pinot Noir.”

And as for that “heartbreak grape” thing? Not exactly true, says Smith.

“It’s more like the ‘hard-work grape,’” he says. “Because not once — from spring, through bud-break, harvest, crush from barrel to bottle — can you turn your back on it. While every other variety just behaves, the instant you finish whatever you’re doing, Pinot Noir does not. The heartbreak happens if — at any one of those stages — you don’t keep your eye on it.”

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Averill Creek Pinot Noir 2014, Cowichan Valley ($27)

From higher elevation, 200 m, south-facing vineyards, a mix of glacial sand and gravel. Forward dark cherry, floral, perfume and leather hints precede a well-balanced cherry and plum palate wrapped in silky tannins, with some spice and savoury notes before a smooth finish.

Baillie-Grohman Pinot Noir Estate 2014, Creston Valley ($25)

From a high-elevation site at 650 m by Kootenay Lake. Single vineyard, sustainably grown and handpicked and aged in French Oak (15% new) for 12 months. Vibrant wild berry and floral notes with spicy hints before a well-textured plate with black fruit, savoury, mushroom and plum notes through an elegant finish.

Cedar Creek Platinum Block 4 Pinot Noir 2014, Kelowna Mission ($54)

From a select block on the east side of Okanagan Lake, using 25% whole clusters. A powerful expression of the variety yields intense dark fruit and floral notes on the nose followed by a robust and well-structured palate with black cherry, plum and a mineral hint wrapped in firm but well integrated tannins through a smooth finish.

Howling Bluff Summa Quies Pinot Noir 2014, Naramata Bench ($35)

From the oldest planting and consisting mainly of silty deposits. Vibrant, lifted plum and red berry notes, followed by elegant layers of cherry and strawberry on a light to medium palate with some earthy undertones and well-integrated tannins.

La Frenz Desperation Hill Pinot Noir 2015, Naramata Bench ($30)

From a steep, west-facing slope with sandy loam and clay soils, high above the lake at 450 m. Five clones, hand-harvested and fermented separately. This elegant and delicate wine has a red colour especially deep for the variety. Lifted notes of black fruit with earthy tones precede a plush palate with well-integrated tannins, vanilla and dark cherry alongside a pleasing savoury edge.

Laughing Stock Pinot Noir 2014, Naramata Bench ($32)

From heavier, silty soils on a high Naramata bluff. Handpicked, destemmed and whole-berry fermented, then aged 16 months in a mix of new and used French oak. Forward notes of ripe cherry and strawberry with earthy undertones on a well-rounded, supple palate with excellent balance and structure.

Maverick Estate Pinot Noir 2014, Golden Mile Bench, Oliver ($29)

From one of the valley’s southernmost Pinot plantings, south of Oliver, on an east-facing slope. Hand-harvested and whole-bunch fermented in a large wooden vat, then aged in mainly used French oak. Forward cherry and raspberry notes with layers of red and black fruit and good acidity, on a gently spicy palate with lingering mineral and spice in the close.

Meyer Family Vineyards McLean Creek Pinot Noir 2015, Okanagan Falls ($40)

From the steep, south-facing home vineyard, established in 1994, on alluvial and glacial deposits, gravel and sandy loam. Black cherry and violet up front with some earthy undertones before a well-structured balance of fruit and acidity. Medium-bodied with expressive fruit flavours, some forest-floor notes, well-integrated tannins and a pleasing savoury edge through a firm finish.

Quails’ Gate Pinot Noir Clone 828 2014, West Kelowna ($60)

From above the west side of Okanagan Lake, this clone is usually blended but bottled alone in exceptional vintages such as this one. Aged in French oak for 10 months. Lifted strawberry and red berry notes precede a well-balanced palate shaped by elegant acidity, with cherry, spice and earthy notes for a pure expression of the variety — which winemaker Nikki Callaway dubs her “Audrey Hepburn” Pinot.

Stag’s Hollow Renaissance Pinot Noir 2011, Okanagan Falls ($40)

Cherry, earthy mushroom blend of Dijon clones that uses entirely estate-grown fruit aged 15 months in 100% 2nd fill French oak barrels. From a challenging vintage, now benefitting from a few years in the bottle and showing lifted dark cherry, earthy and spice notes with fine tannins and still fresh fruit.

Summerhill Single Vineyard Pinot Noir 2013, Chandra Vineyard, Oliver ($35)

100% organic. Crushed dark berries on the nose with hints of strawberry, plum and raisin before a complex and layered palate of plum and cedar notes underpinned by earthy and savoury elements, with hints of clove and five spice, black fruit and spice supported by firm tannins through the close.

Tantalus Pinot Noir 2014, East Kelowna Bench ($28)

From glacial, silty soils over gravel, aged 11 months in new and used French oak. Up front herb, spice and black fruit, followed by a perfectly balanced palate of floral, cherry and raspberry wrapped in a mineral streak, with elegant mouthfeel, well integrated, structured tannins and a lingering, gently stony finish. “A classic BC Pinot Noir vintage. If you couldn’t make a good Pinot in that year, you probably shouldn’t have,” says winemaker David Paterson.

Tightrope Pinot Noir 2015, Naramata Bench ($30)

Grown on a less heated, north-facing slope, on silt clay soils. Vibrant black fruit and floral perfume notes invite before a dark-fruited palate emphasized by dark cherry and cassis, with spice, herb and mocha notes, supported by approachable, silky tannins.

Unsworth Vineyards Pinot Noir 2015, Cowichan Valley ($27)

From clay and gravel soils over an alluvial base and aged 15 months in French oak. Forward red berries with layers of raspberry, cherry, vanilla and spice notes. Medium-bodied, with juicy acidity, earthy undertones and an elegant mouthfeel through a gently spicy close.

Pinot Noir is the bad boy of the BC wine scene Is Pinot Noir getting a bad rap? If not, then how come people the world over still refer to it as the “heartbreak grape”?

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britttracey · 7 years

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Round the Mountain 2017 Round the Mountain is an outdoor event hosted in Kimberley BC every year. It boasts something for everyone with a 10k run, 20k run, 20k trek and 20k bike plus numerous kids races. Obviously I signed up for the 20k run. Last year I ran the 20k as well, but I paced a friend in for her first race finished ever, with a time of 2:51 and change. This year I decided all I wanted to do was beat last years time (as I primarily use this race as a warmup for my other races) and come out the other side feeling good. My long runs in training haven't been good all season, I've been mentally checked out of my training which isn't a good place to be. Much like Stella, I went in with the hopes of getting my groove back. Saturday June 24, 2017 I woke up hungover in my tent, at 5 am, to the kid telling me he is hungry and can he please start a fire. Fuck. Eat a granola bar, no to the fire, let me sleep damnit. I toss and turn a bit before giving in and getting up. We do camp shit for a while and then head out to package pickup, where I run into my training partner who is much more prepared than I am to crush it. Along with her, two of my other running buddies and their phenom kids are running, as well as my avid hiker of a neighbor. I get my bib and head back to camp to make dinner. My phone goes off, there's a heat warning for tomorrow. It's Blackspur all over again. Fuck. Sunday June 25, 2017 Race day. My sleep is much better, lots of water, good dinner, no 5am wake up call. Coffee, oatmeal, pack up camp, off to grandmas to drop the kid off for the day. I met up with my friends and toed the line covered in bug bites, sunburn and sand. They countdown from 10 and we're off at 10:45 am, with the heat already at 18c (64f) which is really hot for that early for up here! The first km is straight across from the Kimberely Nordic center across the Ski Hill and into a solid steady climb. I ran lightly to the base of the climb and started hiking up settling in with my neighbor J and talking shop about running strategy. The first part of the climb on the exposed quad trail had me questioning why I even bother running these sorts of races, heat, elevation, why? I chatted with J to get my mind off of it. We passed a woman who was obviously struggling with the heat and made sure that the crew up ahead knew to watch for her. The first aid station was just a water drop at 4.8km, right after that though we headed into the woods on single track with shade. J and I cruised through to aid station 1, hiking up the hills and doing all day pace on the downhills and flats. The first 10 km were relatively uneventful, as it slowly grew hotter and hotter and I dipped my hat and cooling towel in every available puddle. We kept popping in and out of the trees, going from cool shade to direct sunlight. The second aid station was right around km 9 and it was fully stocked with water, Gatorade and food. I grabbed watermelon and water and pulled away with J still following. We crossed the first shale field section and I turned around to snap a photo of J who was slowly starting to fall behind as I edged closer and closer to the guy in the neon yellow kit ahead of me. On the next hill I passed him and I couldn't see J behind me anymore, I hoped she was doing okay. I kept going, slow and steady trying to catch the girl ahead of me that seemed to be one corner ahead through the trees. I finally caught her just above the descent into the next aid station shortly before km 14. We chatted for a while before I decided to pass and pick it up a bit on the downhill into the station. The lady I just passed had been running with her husband and he was there waiting for her. I gulped some plain water, dumped some over my head and kept moving, I didn't want to waste any time. I knew I was already way behind plan. Coming from that aid station you go directly into a climb, dusty powdery single track studded with sharp rocks makes the climb fun. Fun until you stub a toe really hard and send yourself flying. Which I did. I caught myself from falling down but I twisted in such a way that it caused my right calf to start cramping. I grabbed it and yelled at it: "No!!! Fuck you calf!!! Fuck you!!" I'm not sure if anyone heard me or not but it seemed to work and I was able to keep going at a limpy jog to the next shale section. As I crossed carefully my calf seemed to loosen up, but the sun seemed to bounce back up at me from the rocks. I took a big drink of my water and realized I was almost out, it was only 3 or so more km to the next aid station, so I'd just ration. I wasn't looking forward to that though, my head was starting to pound. I ran my all day Pace through the flat sections into the next aid station. Filled up my water and continued on. The next couple kms were relatively flat, I just focused on a steady easy pace and surprisingly felt great, my stomach wasn't acting up, my old injuries didn't hurt, my calf was loose. I made my way to the bottom of the last climb and got caught by the bike race sweepers. I managed to stay ahead of them all the way up the hill and they complimented me on my hill skills. I came down the last switchbacking downhill and I could hear the finish line and announcer, I caught up to a girl but couldn't quite reel her in and she crossed the line a handful of seconds before me. I finished in 3:18:56 It was 20.4km with 649m of gain and 27 Celsius (80.6f). Really fucking disappointing time. I have to take the good with the bad though, I finished without any pain, this was the only race I've ran without any stomach issues!!! Which is a huge win for me!! All I used on course were dried apricots and my Infinit Nutrition mix in my water plus the watermelon I grabbed from one aid station. My heat management strategies really worked well and although I was hot I managed without suffering even though it meant slowing down. I'm hoping all I needed to get mentally back in the game was a good day racing.

#roundthemountain #racereport #kimberleybc

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