#if you want a constant flow of trash we post a lot of it

[spidderboi]

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Also if you guys want a constant flow of trash, my main blog is @fandom-queen-of-hearts and Iz’s is @castiel-loves-them-bees. We post much more frequently on those since this is our writing blog.

[singtotheskiies]

a single word // bruce banner x reader

request: Nothing would make me happier than a Bruce Banner X reader. He doesn't get nearly as much love as he deserves and he is adorable and smart and one of the many loves of my life. If you can make it a soulmate AU it would be even better and you would be my very bestest friend. But you don't have to write this if you don't want to.

summary: your soulmate’s emotions are written on your forearm. sometimes it’s only a single word—anger—and a news feed of New York being destroyed starts you on a mission to find him.

words: 2301

warnings: slight angst, but otherwise lotsa fluff:)))

a/n: i’m so sorry for the delay in writing! i was sick for a few days and found it really difficult to write. for that reason, this imagine may not flow as well or have as detailed writing as others, but i still hope it’s enjoyable!!

✖️✖️✖️

Your soulmate’s emotions were—complicated, to say the least.

Most people had multiple words on their arm based on what their soulmate was feeling at the moment—it wasn’t uncommon to see entire forearm-lengths of words like curious and fearful and hopeful. Sometimes your arm had a normal, long list like that, but over the past few years, things had begun to change.

Sometimes, the writing on your arm would fade away to one word—ANGER.

It was menacing—red and in all caps. Sometimes it would only last a few seconds, your arm flickering from ANGER to fear or attempted calm. Sometimes it stayed for hours before fading to confusion and regret and self-hatred. Your heart went out to your soulmate, mourning their seeming lack of stability. Sure, it was more interesting than a typical soulmate bond, but it seemed as if they had a hard time dealing with life and controlling their emotions. You hoped that if you ever met them, you’d be able to provide a much-needed constant of calm.

For your whole life, though, you were left clueless as to who it could possibly be. Someone who had such blindingly intense emotions was surely one of a kind—but no hints presented themselves until the attack on New York.

You were working like any other day when your coworker suddenly barged in, babbling about something horrific and otherworldly that was happening on the East Coast. Standing up in alarm (and, quite frankly, slight disbelief), you grabbed your phone and quickly opened your news app only to have your friend’s story confirmed. You clicked on a news feed, watching in utter shock as entire city blocks were torn down by what looked like otherworldly spaceships. They twisted through the air grotesquely, resembling some sort of worm or insect. Clearly, they were not from Earth.

A reporter was attempting to interview a shaken citizen—a young woman who seemed to be on the point of crying. The reporter wasn’t having much success, as the young lady’s voice was too choked with tears to get much out. However, after several painful moments, the woman’s face changed as she looked up. The camera pivoted wildly to show a small group of individuals making their way purposefully down the street. As it zoomed in, you got a closer look—the people looked intimidating and like they had a purpose.

All except one. The camera was slightly fuzzy and the chaos going on around it didn’t help, but you could tell a few details about this odd one out. He looked to be shorter than many of the others, with curly salt-and-pepper hair and a look of terrified confusion. He was unarmed with any weapon or armor, dressed only in work clothes. Your arm itched and burned as you looked at him, and you looked down at it in surprise.

Unsure, afraid, determined, disbelieving.

“No way,” you breathed, and your friend looked at you sideways.

“I know! Who are these people? I have no clue what’s going on anymore.” You didn’t have the energy to tell her that you were most stunned by the fact that the seemingly unarmed man may very well be the soulmate you had waited your whole life to meet. Although you did agree with her that you wanted to know who he was.

Before you could get a better look at the group of people, your maybe-soulmate spoke to one of the others and turned around to fight. However, as he did, he grew several feet taller, huge new muscles bunching together as his shirt ripped away to reveal—green skin? You couldn’t believe your eyes, staring at the screen in almost catatonic shock. Your arm started stinging again, and as you looked down at it, it shifted into that all-too-familiar word: ANGER.

“I have to go home,” you told your friend, packing up your things in a rush.

“Are you okay?” she asked you.

“Don’t feel well,” you said. Several other people were heading for the doors. You figured a disaster of this scale would cause more than a few changes in schedule.

Getting home in record time, you turned on your television and sat, not even bothering to toe off your shoes. You watched in utter astonishment as New York continued to be trashed by an otherworldly army. The news feeds gave as many updates on the team attempting to fight the aliens off as they could. Your eyes were peeled for any flashes of green, and you were occasionally rewarded with a few seconds of whoever-he-was fighting off creatures singlehandedly. Was this beast of a man the same timid person who had walked with the other fighters at the beginning? Maybe he was possessed or something. Hopefully he wouldn’t die fending off the alien attackers—possibly finding your soulmate and then having them ripped away from you on the same day was something you’d prefer not to happen.

After hours of battle, all the attackers had been taken out and the cube of energy—the Tesseract, it was called—had been taken to a government facility. You hadn’t seen any more of your potential soulmate, but the words on your arm had gone back to small black words: exhausted, relieved, frightened. He was still alive, thank goodness, but your only hope of finding out who he was was through news of some sort, so you kept your television on and scrolled through news websites as you ate dinner. After an hour or two, you began to feel a little hopeless—you couldn’t find anywhere that was listing the names of the group who had fought back—the Avengers, as they were being called. Eventually, you gave up and decided to call it a night. Maybe you’d find out more in the morning.

To your surprise (and relief) there was an article titled “Just Who Are the Avengers?” that seemed to list a few names. It was scant information (unsurprising, since they seemed to be spies or government workers of some sort), but it was something. The name that you were looking for seemed to be Bruce Banner—the Incredible Hulk. You felt a surge of adrenaline as you typed his name into your phone, pulling up multiple sources about your potential soulmate.

You discovered that he was a top scientist, a man who had underwent a freak gamma radiation accident that caused him to turn into the Hulk when he didn’t have control over his emotions. He now worked to understand radiation as well as countless other fields of study—the man had seven PhDs! He seemed to be quite the extraordinary person, and the pictures available of him painted him out to be quite the handsome man as well.

You looked down at your arm and sighed. Terror and hopelessness. Judging by the blue ink, he must be having a nightmare. You set your jaw and resolutely looked for some way to contact him. Yes, he had just saved America, but you had a feeling he needed some actual good things in his life. You wanted to help if it were at all possible.

The best you could do was find an email address, so you started a draft and stared at your screen wondering out loud what to say.

“Hi, I’m your soulmate—probably. Saw you turn into a big green guy on TV—that’s something else! No, that’s stupid. Uh—you seem to have a lot of trauma going on, maybe I could hel—no, I’m not his therapist. C’mon, think!”

You eventually settled on a message that stated your awareness of who he was, an admiration for how bravely he had fought, and the possibility that you may be each other’s soulmates. Breathing deeply, you sent the message and left your laptop open for easy refreshing.

It took him almost 36 anxiety-ridden hours to respond back, but his response made you smile.

Dear (Y/N),

I was so surprised to hear from you that I nearly dropped my phone—in a good way, of course. I appreciate your compliments, and your description of what happens on your arm would certainly be a good match for me. You seem to be a wonderful person, and while I would love to meet you right away, the rest of the team and I have a few post-battle things we need to take care of. Does coffee about a week from now sound good? Let me know, and we can work out the details.

Sincerely, Bruce

You emailed him back saying that coffee sounded wonderful, including your phone number because texting would be a little easier, you thought. He texted you about a half hour later, giving you details to a coffee place that was far enough away from downtown to be safe. Can’t wait to see you there, he said, and you grinned as you sent back a similar message.

Putting your phone down on your kitchen table, you hummed in satisfaction—finally, after waiting for years and years, you were meeting your soulmate.

✖️✖️✖️

You were a little nervous, to say the least, but it was tempered with a great deal of excitement. As you neared the coffee shop, you touched your hair almost self-consciously, but then took your hand away quickly. All you could do was hope for the best—if the two of you were really meant to be, things would go well. Taking a deep breath, you pushed open the door and went inside.

You found him almost immediately, and he stood up as if by instinct when you entered. He was at a small corner table, and his eyes met yours with a look of astonishment and admiration.

“(Y/N)?” he asked with near disbelief.

“Bruce,” you beamed, and without thinking, you threw your arms around him in a hug. He returned the gesture, arms wrapping tightly around you.

“I—I can’t believe you’re here,” he spoke into your hair. “I mean, really here. I always thought—“ he trailed off and you pulled back, looking in his deep brown eyes again.

“Of course I’m here, Bruce. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Thank you,” he said, smiling softly, and said “Shall we?” as he pulled out your seat for you. Thanking him, you took a seat and began studying his face as casually as you could. He had a strong jaw, full lips, lovely brown eyes, and the same curly brown-and-grey hair you had seen on the news. You had a very strong urge to reach out and slip your fingers through it, but resisted somehow. He noticed your eyes on him and cocked his head at you, a slight, sweet smile on his face.

“What?” he asked, his voice grinning along with him.

“Nothing, you’re just—really handsome,” you said, blushing. “I think you’re wonderful.” He blushed with you, and you smiled at each other for a long moment before discussing what you would order. After settling on a few things, you placed your orders and began chatting right away. He told you about his work in the science field (he shocked you with his intellect), while you told him about your job. You shared little facts about each other, and as you talked about your interests, he watched you intently with awestruck, loving eyes. It gave you more than a few butterflies, and you could still hardly believe that you were there with your soulmate.

After you finished your drinks, Bruce offered taking a walk outside. You nodded enthusiastically, wanting to spend as much time with him as you could. There’s a park nearby, fairly large for a city, with lots of pretty flowers and trees to enjoy. As you walked, you continued talking about all sorts of things.

Eventually the topic of his alien-fighting experience came up, and something in his eyes shifted. Looking down at your arm, you saw the words nervous and hopeful and worried etch themselves into your skin. You furrowed your brows in concern, and without thinking, took his hand. His fingers moved nervously under yours, but latched on with clear relief.

“I’m sorry,” he nearly whispered. “I just feel like—well, I can’t offer you normalcy, dependency, consistency. Sometimes he just takes over. I try, I really do, but I’ve still got a long way to go before I learn to control or even coexist with him. I could hurt you, I could break things, and it scares me, (Y/N). You’re very likely the best thing to ever come into my life, and I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Bruce,” you answered, tears welling up in the bottom of your eyes. “I don’t need consistency or perfection or anything close to it. All I need is you. We’ve been put together for a reason, and I’m going to fight for you, no matter what tries to stop us. I’m here for you now, and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

He really did whisper now, your name softly under his breath. As his eyes met yours, you began to move a little closer, head tilting towards his as if magnetized. He raised his other hand to brush across your face gently, a question, and you smiled in response. With a soft tip of his head, your mouths fell together, eagerly gentle. Your hand came up to ruffle through his curls, and they felt just as lovely as you had imagined. The two of you stayed that way, together, touching, for several moments. As he came up for air, he rested his forehead against yours, kissing you again until your smiles outgrew the spaces between you.

“Thank you,” he murmured again, and as you looked into his blissful eyes, you noticed your arm—only a single word was on it, different from the one you typically saw by itself.

Smitten.

[xsecretblastsx]

1x07 - Victor, Victrola

Finally! This is one of the most iconic episodes of this show and one I’ve been dying to get to since I’ve started with these recaps, Here we go! 

This one got so long I’ve decided to post it with a keep reading brake. 

Thoughts I had while watching the episode:

I love that it opens with a vintage filter, which I don’t think I’ve noticed much the first time. I do remember thinking of this little preview “Guess Chuck’s meeting someone who’ll give him a run for his money”

Also how good is that shot of the those hills climbing up the steps, or maybe is just that I love the shoes

These is one of my all time fave Blair’s school outfits, she looks so pretty, and I love the obnoxiously big red bow.

Things I should have wondered, wasn’t this something Chuck would have show Nate before her? But this scene is a quick way to show that they’re in fact really good friends

“What happens at Victrola stays at Victrola” Not really Chuck, not really

God I hate Nate’s Dad

I don’t know why but I found a bit funny how the Captain’s office has so many little nautical details, kind of oversell

“I think I saw it next to that ambiguous vague shape” hi mom!

Dan lamenting that new Yorkers don’t have cars and therefore teens can’t make out in them, yeah Dan about that…

Nate’s attempt at bribing Jenny it’s so lame it’s almost funny

Chuck casually pointing out to Lilly that she missed a button, oh Lily!

It’s almost endearing to see Chuck put so much effort with his dad and how eager and accommodating he gets when his father says yes.

I love the scenes were Serena and Blair have typical best friends conversations.

OMG I had totally forgot that Dan was reading the Kamasutra in search of inspiration, also getting this anxious and picturing all these scenarios in his head. I feel you dude.

Does that cherry stem trick is actually possible? Ugh why am I even thinking about that.  Though didn’t the show used that bit on a poster?

That dress does looks ugly in a hanger

That was a good analogy of Vanessa’s role in this show.

Lily was so nice to Chuck from the start, as early as this episode, theirs is one of my favorite parental relationship in the show

How does Vanessa knows all about Serena’s hook up history though? Didn’t she went on Gossip Girl or Dan has a big mouth? Well I guess is the same thing.

“Game recognizes Game little J” Oh Blair you have no idea, also no, the Vanderbilt is ring is not the most amazing ring you’ll ever see.

Gotta admire the show’s attention to detail, Serena and Nate may be making out on Dan’s kitchen, but they still use the same background music they used the first time we saw that scene, but relly I had forgot how much fun I laugh with all his imagined scenarios.

For once I actually feel bad for Dan, having your own father tell you to get rid of those sheets. Akward.

Aside from Nate’s dad, and maybe Eleanor everyone else at that dinner really looks like they want to be anywhere else but there.

“I tried Blair” oh please Nate, you call her once, it went to voice mall and you couldn’t bother again, but I guess it was just easier to go to the palace to talk to Serena.

I remember the first time I watched this I was like “Yes Blarir finally! You tell him!

It should have been obvious since earlier in the episode, but when she steps out of that car it was the first moment it hit me that OMG the girl at the start of the episode was Blair! It is funny how while I already knew that now, the same thought kind of hit me again.

YOU GO BABY VAMP!

‘You still would do anything to get a girl on her back though’ it would not be S1 episode without a bit of Lily and Rufus banter

“Nobody’s ever looked at me the way you just did” what a telling line. Though did Dan and Serena did it or not?

Iconic scene is iconic.  Vintage filter and all.

Gossip Girl was never the same again

What a good episode in every way. Normally I always get bored with one of the little subplots, but not on this one. Hell I actually liked Dan and Serena this week, which hadn’t happened like since 1x01, and even then it was with a grain of salt. This episode is also hilarious, I didn’t watch this when it aired so I don’t know if they hinted at Blair and Chuck in one of their promos, but I hoped they didn’t because I like the way the episode flows a lot, we spend the whole episode seeing Dan getting anxious about losing his virginity, and then out of nowhere it’s Blair the one that ends up the night no longer a virgin.

Also I did enjoy this episode so much more this time around not only because well I’m a chair fan but because there are a lot of little details, almost like Easter eggs that point out to the last scene, like Dan pointing out the tragedy of New York’s teens without car where they can make out, or when Serena tells Blair that maybe planning and thinking too much about it may ruin the moments, and then you have Blair at the end of the episode losing her virginity on Limo without planning it at all.

In the Dan and Serena front though this episode is one that gives a bit more insight on the why’s Serena can’t never really forget a about Dan. She had being treated awfully by most guys she ever came across, and Dan’s the first that actually treats her like she’s worth it and worries about her feelings, we know it’s not as perfect as she sees it, he had been pretty judgmental of her in half of the episodes so far, but she doesn’t realize it because she’s used to man objectifying her for a long time now, she doesn’t see her own value, and that’s the tragedy of Serena’s character and why she deserved so much better.

This episode is also the one in which Nate’s family issues get to a boiling point, we finally see the amount of problems Nate’s dad has and why he’s absolute trash, and things are only about to get even worse. Really this episode almost everyone in the parental front is keeping a secret or being in denial, trying to keep the status quo in their lives, in contrast most of the teens are at the verge of really taking a step into action, Nate finally does something to put a stop to his dad lies by getting him arrested, Serena is experiencing a loving relationship for the first time, Dan gets ready to leave his virgin status behind, Chuck is taking his first steps in the business goals and Blair is finally ready to accept that his relationship with Nate must end. In the end though, of course Chuck and Blair went through something else this week.

Honestly, what can I say about Chuck and Blair in this episode that hasn’t been said before. This is the start of one the most iconic couples in T.V. I mean if they were real people this was the night that changed the course of their lives forever, it’s a monumental moment for so many reasons. There’s Blair who up until now, has never contemplated a future that doesn’t includes Nate, but as each previous episode showed holding up to that future gets harder and harder, no matter what she does, he seems farther and farther away from her reach, she tries being sexy,  ruining Serena, elaborate games  and none of it goes, by the time the family dinner comes to be, she’s exhausted, she’s all prim and proper, Vanderbilt ring in her hand and she’s never looked more miserable. And so she lets go of Nate, and goes to the one place she can escape from it ill, it’s a very obvious visual image but still I love the moment the dress came off is the moment one can tell she’s finally free from it all, basking in that relief she said she felt.

So she dances, and she does it for Chuck Bass. It may have happened because of a dare but really it’s almost logical that she let’s all her uptightness on the floor in his company because if one goes back and looks to the previous six episodes she’s at her realest with him, since the first episode he doesn’t sugar coats her thoughts with him, doesn’t pretend to be nicer, makes him a part of her plots and he knows about all her issues with Nate, their friendship is a lowkey constant in the background, and this episode starts with a reminder of that fact, he takes her to Victrola because he trust her judgment above all others, his second toughest critic, only behind his dad. Their friendship is one factor about them that I feel got lost as the season go by, but it’s one of my favorite aspects about them, because that was the very first layer of their relationship.

They probably never thought about their friendship being something especial, about the fact that they shared bits of each other in a way they didn’t do with Nate and Serena, they always had chemistry and in some deep part of their brain they probably knew it all along, but it was much better to ignore it because what was the point, but is funny how as soon as Nate is out of the picture and it’s just them without inhibitions, this happens.

It’s not hard to imagine that Chuck had always thought she was “10 times hotter than pretty much anyone” This is Chuck Bass after all, and he also admired her personality, it wouldn’t surprise me if he thought that Nate was probably the worst match for a girl like Blair, and yet the way he looks at her while she’s dancing, he’s in complete awe of her, he already had her in high regards, but he had no idea that when she lets herself be free she’s the most mesmerazing thing he has seen, and oh how he wants her, it’s written all over his face when he says how amazing she was up there, and Blair who’s used to be unwanted by Nate can’t help but be drawn to it and so she kisses him, and he knows he could go for it and she most likely won’t reject him, still he asks her if she’s sure because he knows that while sex is not a big deal for him, the first time was important to her and how she only tried to rush into it until she felt she was losing, he had first row seats to all the drama that was her relationship with Nate, and so with that little question he lets her know that there’s no pressure, and also a first clear nod to how she’s different for him, he may be all for encouraging a girl to sleep with him, but not this time, and she knows it and she takes the leap, she’s doing this for her, because she wants to, not forcing it as she always had to.

  Iconic scene is iconic.  

Random bits:

I can’t remember if it was mentioned before but Chuck’s line “he was born poor; I was born loaded” is the first mention of the fact that the Basses are new money.

Without you ends up being a really accurate song for their whole relationship.: 

I don't want this moment to ever end Where everything's nothing without you I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile 'Cause it's true: I am nothing without youThrough it all, I made my mistakes I stumble and fall, but I mean these wordsI want you to know: with everything, I won't let this go These words are my heart and soul I'll hold on to this moment, you know 'Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show that I won't let go 

[herefortayloronly]

folklore first impressions

i just want to preface this post with WHAT THE FUCK TAYLOR? For the past couple of months i’ve been trying to get back into the grooves of things after self-isolation and finding a new routine. Just when i thought things were getting back to normal (as normal as it can get with people still getting sick and things are still close down of course), taylor decides to say SURPRISE! i’m not gonna lie, when this annoucement was made, i was still in bed and asleep. my best friend texted me a picture with one “omg”. When i saw the picture i was like “oh no, what happened to taylor”. but then i read the caption and i woke the fuck right up. I feel like we all know how I feel, just like the rest of swifties. so I’m just gonna jump straight into the songs because this is going to be long.

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the 1 - this song is really interesting when you think of it as an introduction to all the characters you’re about to meet in the album and also the feelings you’re about to endure listening to the songs. 

cardigan - this song is easily my favorite song on the album. so the first listen, it didn’t really hit me but immediately listening to it the second time and watching the music video, i literally broke down. something about it is so hauntingly beautiful, it’s mature but also very classic taylor. something about it is so effortless and freeing. the use of piano (something that is gonna come up more in later songs) is so interesting and different for taylor. this one is definitely going to be on my top ten.

the last great american dynasty - as the song went along, i figured she was talking about her house in rhode island especially when she literally said rhode island lol. But when the line “and then it was bought by me“ hits. i literally got chills. it was such beautiful storytelling and songwriting. 

exile - i know there are people who don’t love it when taylor collaborates and have feature artists but when she has a feature artist that just works with her voice and create beautiful lyrics, magic happens! although i like all of collabs to different degrees, i can only say with my whole chest that The Last Time with Gary Lightbody is the best collab she has ever done. exile with Bon Iver is a close second. the back and forth between the two singers reminds me so much of The Last Time. the way their voice just balance each other out. it’s great.

my tears ricochet - i want this song play at my funeral. it is so haunting and tragic. but also full of anger and resentment. the way the song keeps building and building throughout gives me chills. another top favorites of mine. i’ve seen so many interpretations of this song and i think that’s why this song is so wonderful. it really hits in all different ways.

mirrorball - i feel like this song is so perfect for when you’re high or drunk. it is so groovy and chill and mellow. and while it sounds like a fun song, it’s also kinda taylor admitting that she has a problem with how she perceives herself. and the fact that she compares herself to a mirrorball because she knows that her own fault is trying to please everyone, trying to fit in. it’s a little sad but also comforting to know that she recognize that.

seven - another song that uses the piano so beautifully. this song reminds me so much of me and the group of girl friends i had in elementary school. something about that childhood nostalgia and how young friendships shape your childhood. i have a lot of love for them but i don’t talk to them anymore and i wouldn’t consider them close friends. but that’s okay because the memories and friendships were great. 

august - i just want to take a drive down the beach with the windows down while blasting this song! although the sound gives off a free and bright vibe, there’s also something bittersweet about it. it sounds like this person is yearning and hoping for something, and reminiscing on the nice memories and realizing that they are no more. it’s almost tragic.

this is me trying - The lyrics of this song is so sharp and tight but for some reason I can’t get into it. but i do love the imagery in the song. there’s a sense of desperation and eagerness and it’s also a little self-deprecating.

illicit affairs - i love the imagery in this song about a relationship that just ruins you. it didn’t just break your heart but it affects that way you see other parts of your life. 

invisible string - this song is so precious and sweet and whimsical. really reinforces her love for this person and i love that even with all the other songs this song is just a nice glimpse into their relationship. and i love this idea that fate is the reason why they are together. but not just fate, it’s also their past and their relationships with other people. 

mad woman - this song is fire!! another great use of the piano. i love this song is about women being mad and that’s okay and there’s a reason why women get mad. women being mad isn’t an irrational thing and she’s not overreacting. and when women do get bad, there’s passion there.

epiphany - i love the perspective of this song is of someone fighting because they are trying to protect the great good. i think this song is also a great tribute to all the essential workers and healthcare workers fighting in the frontline during the covid pandemic. 

betty - i love that this song is from the perspective of a person who cheated. i think taylor has been cheated on many times in her life and to see her step into the shoes of the cheater is really fascinating. this is another songs that proves taylor doesn’t have to know or feel a certain type of emotions to fully capture that perspective. she’s able to create a world and a narrative from just knowing how she wants to portray a certain emotion.

peace - so i said this song is similar to Dancing With Our Hands Tied and The Archer. it reminds me of taylor’s talking about her fears and troubles in a relationship. but also about how she has learned that she is okay with those fears now because she realized they don’t have to dictate her life and she’s not alone. in a way this song makes me happy and sad. it makes me happy because she’s in a place where she knows she wants to be with someone for the rest of her life and she found that forever love. it also makes me sad because she will always worry and be haunted by these past scars. and lets talk about the style of this song. this is the soft rock john mayer vibes that i always wanted taylor to do, so i love that she’s experimenting with that and i hope she does a rock album one day! i also think this is the first love song where she’s not just talking about how she felt but also how the other person feels. the other person also feels a sense of insecurities.

hoax - in the same vein as peace, i think this song is also about how two people in a relationship can be extremely hurt but still find ways to make sure to hold each other up. my favorite line in the song is “you have beaten my heart”. there is a really interesting double meaning to that line that i think holds so much weight. the person has beaten her heart as in he has hurt her in some way but he also has won her heart and also made it beat again.

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if you are here to see where i rank all of taylor’s album, you will be disappointed. i try my best not to rank her albums because i love all of her albums one way or another. they are all unique and hold a special place in my heart in different ways. i do have vague placements for them but at the end of the day, i love all of them. the best thing about taylor and being a fan of taylor is that i never have to pick one album to listen to and i don’t have to favor one over the other. if i am in the mood for a certain sound or style, i can choose from her catalog. i’m also not going to be insulting or trashing past albums because people have decided that folklore is her magnum opus. i can acknowledge that folklore is one of her best albums without bringing down other albums. i love each and every single album. it is impossible to rank and pick and choose among eight albums.

i’ve have the pleasure of witnessing taylor’s career for 10 years, since speak now. to see her go through so many changes, growth and hardships is really a sight to see. people are going to say this album is sad and tragic but i disagree. it isn’t the same sadness like how Red is sad. it’s more freeing and accepting. the sadness isn’t holding her back like in Red, it is actually pushing her to do and say things she probably wouldn’t have said before.

also this album isn’t meant to redefine a genre. It’s not meant to be something new, i’m sure there are plenty of artists doing something similar. taylor is just doing what she does best, incorporating all the best parts of her, her storytelling, songwriting, beautiful melodies, catchy hooks and putting a twist to it with a completely new production. i think that’s something very special about taylor. she’s just let music and ideas flow and always so open to experimentation. the fact that she’s arrived in this moment with this album is very special. 

the fact that she is able to create these characters and stories. this is why she’s an amazing writer, not because she writes about her own experience but because she can write about anything. goes to show how her mind works and how she operates. she doesn’t have to draw from her experience, she gets inspired by everything.

as for rankings. something really fun i did this time is keeping track of my rankings to see where each song moves. so i did a list for after 2 full listens, after 20 hours (this is friday 7/24 night) and 44 hours (saturday 7/25 night).  and because i didn’t finish this post saturday night i added in sunday’s 7/26 ranking as well. it’s really fun to see which song i was drawn to that day. 

as you can see, cardigan is a constant number one for me. it is the song of the album. i think a really good example of a song that grew on me after a while is peace. i think this song is definitely secured its spot among the top 5 of the album once it’s all said and done. in my opinion, anything after #10 i love them but it speaks to how really good this album is because it’s really hard after ranking 10 songs. the most notable thing is the recurring songs on the bottom, epiphany, mirrorball, illicit affairs, and this is me trying. now i actually love epiphany and illicit affairs, again speaks to how much i love the other songs and how great this album is. this is me trying is a song that i enjoy listening to but i don’t seek it out. i don’t crave listening to it but i do like it alot and i love the meaning of it. same with mirrorball, i love it but i’d have to be in the mood for it. all that said, right now i can say for 100% sure that cardigan, peace and my tears ricochet are my top favorites of the album. while the others are gonna keep moving with more listen and time. 

this album is really meant for taylor. she really is born to write an album like this. even though there are songs that aren’t personal and directly about taylor, she’s able to leave bits and pieces of herself, how she feels and her emotions in those songs. and i think that’s why not only is she a good writer but she’s also a good messenger. her voice and her delivery is one of my favorite things about her and the reason i love listening to her and her music. and this album emphasize that and highlight that talent. no other pop artists will be able to pull off an album like this and that’s why this album is made for taylor.

[songsorter28]

Blackpink: The Album Review

Okay, this is the first time i’ve done this and the truth is i don’t know how, so i’ll just try my best.

First of all: I am a Jennie biased blink. That means I have no trustworthy sense of criticism when it comes to them and if you do, this is probably not the place for you. I will try to talk about this album with a sense of criticism, but sometimes, i’m just gonna like a song because it’s blackpink and y’all just gotta deal with it.

BUT, I am not afraid of saying i don’t like things that the pinks have said it to like, which is actually how i’m starting this review. So, if you guys are all about loving the girls and emotion and “think about how they must feel” this is a decision made by the girls, this place is also not for you either. I am a blink and i share a lot of love for those four women, but i am also a consumer of their work as artists. I will complain if I didn’t get something I thought was necessary as a viewer and listener for my money and attention to be spent. I will not, of course, hate on them in any way.

Ok, before anything:

1) English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. 2) Here, we’re gonna talk about the cover, pre-release single choices, writing credits, tracklist and my honest opinion about the album as a whole.

a) The Cover:

There’s not a lot to talk about but the fact that it’s gorgeous, but simple. I didn’t understand why a crown if the name was The Album (something unoriginal to be honest, but i’m not 100% against it) and there’s no reference to royalty throughtout the album besides maybe Jennie’s rap “didn’t want to be a princess”. I did find the cover visually pleasing tho, could be much more embarrasing.

b) Writing credits and Track List:

This one is quick. I’m extremely glad Jennie and Jisoo were credited as songwriters (Jennie as well as a composer) but Teddy gotta give Danny Chung to god. He hates rapper Jennie and he’s the reason Lisa doesn’t write. He’s always in charge of the raps so teddy gets confortable and Lisa doesn’t get a chance to write her own verses, which is something the sure thing cover showed us she can do. Also, he hates rapper Jennie to the point where she had to write her rap on the title track (wich is good, but, you know what i mean) and wasnt even given a chance to write more than 8 seconds. Melanie I hope this is the last time you were here. Loren you can stay. Tommy and Ryan yall were cute we had fun but it’s over let’s move one (seriously, these producers really made me appreciate Teddy more lmao pls sir never leave us). Okay that’s it. Now, to the track list.

I will be talking about the fact this shouldn’t even be called a full album on the My Honest Opinion About The Album As A Whole topic.

1. How You Like That

I say my opinion more detailed on the next topic but at at essence. Cute. A good opener to the album and what is to come, but too much of a bside to even be a pre release single.

6.5/10

2. Ice Cream

Again, my opinion it’s on the next topic. Cute song. Loved Chaennie’s high notes and wish i didn’t know english so the rap didnt sound that silly. Not as bad as blinks and non blinks make it out to be. 

6.12/10

3. Pretty Savage

I kinda also talked about that in the next topic lmao. It has everything a blackpink song should have. There’s been some controversy about Lisa “born skinny bitch” but Lisa was talking about herself since she has been body shamed through her whole career. She was right and she should say it. You’re entitled to feel uncomfortable but that’s just the thing she wasn’t talking about me or you. She was taking her pain and wearing like an armor. This was a diss track for the haters. Taking that away from her because of our own issues it’s kinda mistreating hers.

8.82/10

4. Bet You Wanna

Yes you guessed it right I talk more about it next topic. It’s a bop. Loved Jennie here. She has such a versatile voice I was very proud to hear her. And Cardi was also good. Just hope Lisa will get her rap part live cause she didn’t have much lines here. But I loved Jenlisa’s brigde. Rosé’s adlibs peak perfection and Jisoo’s chorus and english that’s what i’m talking about. The chorus can be a little repetitive and it kinda ends a bit suddenly but it doesnt bother me much.

8.37/10

5. Lovesick Girls

WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS MASTERPIECE OTHER THAN BEST BLACKPINK TITLE TRACK? Love that for me. It was so different than anything they’ve done so far, the lyrics were AMAZING, the message behind it also, the visuals in the MV, storylinne, RAPPER JENNIE OMG, she got the most memorable line “didn’t want to be a princess, i’m priceless” i love her tf the shade to the yg princess title and her scene in the car and in the mental hospital(will not touch on the controversies cause that was annoying) also Lisa’s rap/singing with a flow in the begining her voice OMG I WAS SHOOKEDT. Jisoo’s high note in the brigde? Rosé?? perfect.

10/10

6. Crazy Over You

Rapper Jennie for the last time with a 8 second rap again but LET’S BE POSITIVE. A bop. I loved the i. went. crazy. over. you. I love the lyrics. It bother a bit this much english but it’s bp’s idendity so i’m fine with it.

8.5/10

7. Love To Hate Me

This was a predictable song in the best possible way. Easily one of their best songs. There’s honestly nothing left to say. Also. Lisa’s rap. Maybe Danny Chung deserves some points. It even felt like she was a feat in the song like her flow yall just perfection.

9.4/10

8. You Never Know.

Great song I left with depression.

I like how this album talks with haters and blinks, it really shows a different side from the pinks. Only a few know the emotion Jennie starting off “but you never know unless you walk in my shoes [...] cause everybody sees what they wanna see, it’s easier to jugde it than to believe”. It was written by Loren, a close friend from the girls and the boy who’s Jenlichaeng  boyfriend in the LSG’s MV and Bekuh Boom, a producer who’s been with them for really long, but if anyone got a conspirancy theory that they were involved in the songwriting process of the song, sign me up. You don’t need proves. I believe you. ALSO JISOO GOT MOST LINE ON THIS ONE and we got singer Lisa. After a while, it become my favorite song from the album. Now, it’s my favorite song from their discography. Debate your mother.

9.62/10

c) Pre-Release single Choices: 

I can’t stress about this enough. Whoever was in charge for the single choices needs to go to jail. Not that HYLT is bad (at all) but comparing to the rest of the songs, it look MUCH more like a powerful bside than Love To Hate Me and Pretty Savage ever will. I will lecture later how Pretty Savage was the perfect choice to first release single, just wait. Now, to the controversial Ice Cream. To be honest, i found the song super cute and i think the MV was one of their best. It was different and refreshing, love that for me. But the whole sequence of events that turned out to that disasterous twitter timeline, with constant attacks to the girls especially Lisa over things they cannot control such as line distribuition and a sabotage from antis on yt comment section, was something I kinda already saw it coming. Ice Cream is Blackpink’s most successful single to date, but it was a bad choice from the start (I will talk about that in a second). For starters, YG decided not to promote the song well. While announcing the single, they gave us a poster with pictures from a summer package released months before. And each week they kept doing that, only using actual teaser photos in the release week. The hype was pretty much out. I can’t say my timeline is 100% blink because i have way too many fandoms that i’ve been following for longer than i’ve known kpop, but compared to the HYLT hype, they were pretty down and that’s on YGE. Also, ever since coachella, it’s been antecipated by fans and artists the possibility of a Blackpink x Ariana Grande (one of the most popular singes these last couple of years). The idea of an Aripink collab got blinks (who were already with an eye wide open after Blackpink was seen with Tommy Brown, Ari’s basically oficial producer, who has been producing for her ever since her second album and was reponsible for many hits of her latest project, Thank U, Next, such as 7 rings and Thank U, Next) even more hyped when YG announced (one of those old photoshoot posters. I’m sorry I will never let that go that company is so trash) that Blackpink’s second release was going to be a collaboration with a western artist, and Ariana herself like Jennie’s instagram post about the next single. I cannot put in words the reaction of my twitter timeline when YG confirmed that the collab was actually with Selena Gomez. 

Now, on a more personal note. 

You see, I actually like Selena. I like her songs, besides the critics. Perfect is pop perfection. Waverly Place is the best disney show ever since That’s So Raven. But, to a collab made to the US market, and besides the success of Rare, Selena isn’t a sales force like Adele or Taylor Swift, nor a streaming force like Ariana Grande. Nothing takes my theory that this was supposed to be an aripink collab but, for some reason, she dipped and then interscope (blackpink us label and selena’s label) picked her. Selena showed us a good time and promoted the girls more than YGE did but, it wasn’t a surprise when the song didn’t get a top 10 (a top 13 is really good tho, don’t get me wrong). 

Now back to the story telling

Selena was more than a feat, she sang the whole damn song, getting more vocal lines the the entire vocal line. She’s only a few seconds behind Lisa, who got the most lines in general. I understand that it is a collab, but this is the girls’ single. Why would they want to listen to them for only 16 seconds, the amount of time Rosé got? That set a bunch of solo stans (something that exists more in this fandom than everywhere else) to boycoitt the release, a huge fansite even taking out their funds for the full album (that was low, even for a solo account. JisooBar, you aint seeing heaven). Did i think it was a little of overeacting? As someone who’s an army that had to handle Not Today’s line distribuition, and especially since we’re talking about the main vocalist, someone who will for sure have more lines in the future (as she did), kinda. But, like i said, it was a bomb getting ready to explode at any minute. If it wasn’t that it’d be something else. That being said, NOTHING will ever justify the nastyness y’all did with Lisa and even Jennie’s comment section. Nothing. That was ridiculous even for solo stans. BUT for people who got worried about Lisa’s lack of posts after the release, don’t worry. She didn’t post a lot because Thailand is going through some stuff and I don’t think she has YGe’s permission to talk about it (when I catch the ones in power on that company istg). 

Wow, that was long. At essence, it  was a bad choice for several reasons, but i enjoyed the song a lot. Can’t wait for the live performances with chaesoo’s lines.

Now, back to HYLT. It was greatly promoted, it stopped Zico’s (huge in korea) releases and a bunch of other big artists in South Korea. Got 7 Perfect All-Kills and would’ve gotten more than 12 if the charts weren’t reforming at the time. It also broke a lot of records, and repeated Sour Candy’s position on the bb100 on #33. It’s another very Blackpink song that  I enjoyed but kinda aged. Many non blinks didn’t like it but it’s not like they were ever going to admit they liked a bp song. They’re annoying. The song’s biggest problem is probably the 2015 edm in the chorus. Like. Teddy. You gotta let that go. It’s time. He kinda heard us in the album. But, these kinds of songs are very liked by the general public, especially the korean one. An interview was made asking the general public if blackpink should change concepts and they said a bit fat no. So that tells what you need to know. And that it why i think Pretty Savage should have been the first pre release single. 

Okay, let me tell you another series of event. Back on november 2019, when we were starving because YGe does not like money, BlackpinkBar, a big fansite, payed trucks to be sent to YG building during a whole day demanding for better treatment to Blackpink. You can find all the demands online, but at essence, when it came to music related, blinks always mention: Jisoo’s lines, screen time and blackpink in your area, Main Rapper Jennie, Lisa dance break, Rosé’s high note. On HYLT, we got nothing. And everyone had to shrug it off saying it was just a pre release single, BUT it would be better hyped by blink and the hype to the second pre release would’ve lasted longe if PRETTY SAVAGE, who has basically all of that, was the pre release single. It would’ve assured us of so much. Jisoo said bp in your area twice, she RAPPED, she was singing, she could’ve had more screetime and center time especially bc she’s on all chorus. Jennie Main Rapper would go back and we wouldn’t have to be blue balled (which caused the ice cream meltdown)every single release and only having to wait till the title track and only to have a 8 SECOND RAP. I won’t talk about that now. Moving on. Rosé wouldn’t get a high note, but she would’ve gotten the brigde all to herself and the next pre release single, bet you wanna (wait for it), she would get those incredible adlibs. And Lisa’s dance break. Not only this is bp’s most danceable song and has a bunch of lisa’s raps, it also has jennie’s outro, where for a least 20 seconds lisa could’ve thrived. Yall we were robbed.

Now, real quick, back to Ice Cream. In a perfect world (or just a world where YG’s current ceo) had brains, if they wanted a collaboration to show the pink side of blackpink, with a poppy song and sassy lyrics, the artist not to be in the whole song, and to have an artist who would driven attention from the locals and is a big streaming force, THEY WOULD’VE CHOSEN BET YOU WANNA. My biggest problem with bet you wanna is Lisa’s lack of lines, which could cause stuff and well we just miss her they could have added a rap even for 8 seconds, BUT, seeing her all around pretty savage and knowing she’s gonna have Cardi’s rap during live performances would cool things down. Since we were in the middle of a pandemic, instead of a mv like ice cream where they had to do it separately, they could’ve done something like IU’s eight. A huge part in animation and a few with people. Literally YG why are you so dumb. Bye.

d)  My Honest Opinion About The Album As A Whole:

I did some math (lol) and my rank for The Album is 8.4. It’s easily one of the best releases from this year and I loved it so much, but something were left to be desired and i think i could pass everything and just turn a blind eye at things, except one: the fact we waited for 4 years, watched all ggs and yg groups getting comebacks last semester and only got 8 songs. Loona is releasing a mini album with that amount of songs. Stray Kids and BTS’s mini albums are longer than that. It was bad enough KTL had 4 songs and a remix (a joke) with 2 songs lacking raps and no rapper jennie only for them to carry YG’s dirty name after what their protected boys did. I legit hate it here they didn’t even had 30 minutes, their longest song wasn’t even 4 minutes. Also, before anyone says anything about the girl’s interview about quality over quantity. I’d like to say that i understand them having that when it comes to have one comeback a year and i’m honestly okay with that. But their first full album? 8 songs? Are you kidding me? Like I said, I’m a consumer. I refuse to receive this half assed excuse about quality over quantity when they had more than enough time to produce and write more than 8 quality songs? what, is impossible to write more than one song per moth? these songs have formulas, they can be made more than 8 times. A blackpink album its more than a thousand reals here. That 90% of a sallary. And please don’t come with the “if you don’t want it just don’t buy it” “you can just unstan them” bc that’s not the case. I love their songs. I love the girls. But I’m a consumer of their art and if they want to be takend seriously as artists, they gotta do more than 8 songs on a full album. It’s unfair to anyone that isn’t a diehard fan willing to sell out an overpriced photobook in hours. That’s not the only kind of fan blackpink needs. they need the store locals, the people who are not on twitter or tumblr or instagram. Cause those locals are gonna stay like they stayed with adele and taylor swift. stan twitter is much more likely to leave them with time.

Side note: I’m tired of commenting on rapper Jennie so I’ll just say Jennie deserves better than 8 second raps as the main rapper of the group. That doesnt mean I want Lisa to not rap or to Jisoo not to sing, as many will say bc apparently that’s what people hear when we say main rapper who trained for 6 years to be a main rapper should rap on at least most title tracks even if not on all songs.

But yeah, that’s it. Besides the unfortunate final note, I loved The Album and now Blackpink it’s my second most listened artist of all time. They were top 13 before the album.

[golbrocklovely]

so i kinda want to vent rn and also sorta explain why i haven't posted anything in a while.

TLDR at the end. seriously, this is long lol 

also trigger warning: mention of depression and being suicidal

recently, i've been feeling really unloved and unwanted, and it's just taking a lot out of me. first, there is this guy at work (which i vaguely talked about on here). he's one of my managers and he's a year older than me. i've known him for about a year and when i first met him, i was instantly into him. i even planned to ask him out, but then found out that he had a girlfriend that he's had for like almost 10 years or something. so my feelings for him have been there for a while, but they come in ebbs and flows.

this past week he has been really nice to me (i mean he always is), and it hasn't helped my feelings for him. so at one point this week, i walked by him and he gave me this look, which i know... really angelica? a look?, but YES a look. i asked him "what's the look for?" and he just replied "nothing" and for some reason it gave me major butterflies. then like two days later i was staring at something and getting frustrated, and he came over and said "what's up, beautiful?" and omg it killed me. he usually only calls me shorty bc i'm shorter than him, and he usually calls every girl that in the store bc he's a fucking giant lol but yeah.... i think i just feel bad about all of this bc i know that what he's doing is just being friendly and i'm reading it as more bc i like him and i hate it bc every time i see him... i really want to kiss him. and i know i'm just breaking my own heart bc i know he will never see me as that. and i've done this before with other guys, and i'm just really sick of feeling lonely. i'm so inexperienced in relationships and i feel kinda embarrassed about it bc i'm 25 and i should have experienced all of it when i was younger but i didn't.

and then to top all of this off, my best friend has been ignoring me for over a month. and to give you some backstory, we've been friends since we were like freshman-sophomores in hs. we've always been close. we've obviously had our problems, but we've worked thru them... or at least, i thought we did.

so finally, i just decided to text her and ask if i did something wrong and if that's why she's ignoring me. before that, the reason she wasn't talking to me was bc she was sick, so i get not responding to me. also, i know we are both adults with jobs, so talking to each other everyday is just not possible. she's stuck at home working (which i know she hates bc her family is a lot to deal with, especially her dad) and i have to go out into public on an almost daily basis for my retail job. we've never been the type of friends to call or text each other everyday. and as much as i love her, i can't talk to her everyday. i like having my alone time, and she does too.

she finally responded to me and said that 'you text me at my most stressful times' and i basically replied with 'sorry to hear that. i just want to make sure that you're okay, that our friendship is okay'. then she texted me saying 'idk !!! i'm stressed with work and idk where we stand anymore'.

this was extremely confusing to me, bc i didn't think there was any problems with us. sure, we haven't talked as much as before. but firstly, we've never been constant texters and whatnot. also bc of corona, i think we just drifted apart bc it's hard to communicate or even want to communicate. this year is so fucking stressful, i just took the lack of us talking with a grain of salt. also, when quarantine started, me and her talked a bunch. she even asked to call me (which we never really do unless we have a lot that we need to say) and we talked for like 3 hours and it was great. so for her to say this was weird.

i'll sum up the rest of the conversation bc otherwise this post will be 20 pages long. she ended up saying that we've haven't acted like best friends since hs and that we've grown apart and are on different paths in life. i said i don't agree with that and that the distance only started with the pandemic, and that i was hurt by her words bc all of this felt out of place. i then said i still wanted to be her friend bc her friendship means so much to me.

she then replied that she didn't agree bc when were in college i stopped talking to her for a while and then randomly wanted to be her best friend again. she feels as if our friendship has always been about me and one-sided and that she doesn't want that anymore.

this was a problem that i thought we resolved. back when we were juniors in college, i stopped talking to her for a couple months. the reason for that was bc my dad had just gotten over being sick the previous year with cancer, and then my mom had almost died from a heart attack. all of that, combined with my lack of self-esteem and my depression that i had been ignoring for years, i was on the brink of killing myself. i didn't tell her any of this at the time bc i didn't want to tell anyone. i spoke very little of this to anyone, even partially to this day. i kept a lot of it in bc i didn't want her to worry about me, bc she seemed to be having such a good time at college and i didn't want to be the rain on a sunny day.

back then, when we discussed all of this, she told me that it felt like our friendship had become a convenience for me. while i disagreed, i understood that that was how i made her feel and i apologized for it back then.

the thing about my best friend that i've always hated was she takes things i said from years ago that upset her, and waits to say that they did. she has taken things from three years prior and brought them up bc now she feels like it's an okay time to say it. since we've had this conversation about the convenience, i've walked on eggshells around her bc i know certain things would upset her and i don't want to do that, plus i don't want to upset her and be told about it years later and have to apologize for my previous self.

also, as someone who has gone thru a fuckton of shit in life, i realize a lot of things that have pissed me off about her are stupid and not worth it to really hold in and argue over. i let things go as best as i can, but she doesn't. there are many things that have upset me that she has said or done, but i never told her bc i was scared to lose  her friendship and on top of it, they weren’t majorly important

the last two messages i sent to her were this: i stopped talking to you at the time bc my parents were sick and i was suicidal. i didn't talk to you bc i didn't want you to worry about me. i know way before that i wasn't a good communicator in our friendship and i'm sorry about that. but if you have been feeling this way, why didn't you say something about it before? // i'm sorry that i've made you feel like this wasn't/hasn't been a mutual friendship. i've never wanted it all to be about me.

that was last night i sent those. she hasn't responded. i'm gonna give her some time, maybe a couple of days or a week. i want to meet face-to-face and talk this out. i've always felt like we haven't been 100% honest with each other, and i always knew we would have to talk about it at some point, but for her to just so easily trash a 10 year friendship after all of the shit we have gone thru... i'm gutted. i'm extremely heartbroken. i never thought in a million years this would happen. i thought she was gonna be my best friend for life...

so that's why i haven't updated any stories or requests. i've just been in a terrible headspace and kinda at my wits end. yall are really sweet tho, so thank you for not asking why i'm taking forever. i just figured i'd give you an explanation and vent at the same time.

TLDR: i haven't updated any stories bc i have a crush on a guy i shouldn't and my best friend of 10 years has decided to not be my friend anymore instead of working things out. i feel very unloved and unwanted.

[entomycetic]

SU AU - The Space Between Us AU (Synopsis)

Figure I may as well post this au here-

ALSO I know this movie came out like. 2 years ago? But uh SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE ‘THE SPACE BETWEEN US’, this whole thing is just the plot of the movie but rewritten (it’s QPR rather than romantic); also SPOILERS FOR STEVEN UNIVERSE SEASON 1-5

For those that haven’t seen/don’t plan to see it, here’s the movie synopsis: “Gardner Elliot, the first human born on Mars, begins an online friendship with Tulsa, a teen in Colorado. On his maiden voyage to Earth, the 16-year-old finally gets to experience all the joys and wonders of a world he could only read about. Problems arise when scientists discover that Gardner's organs can't withstand the atmosphere. United with Tulsa and on the run, the interplanetary visitor races against time to unravel the mysteries of how he came to be, and where he belongs in the universe.“

LET’S GET STARTED SHALL WE; GRAB SOME POPCORN ‘CUZ THIS ACCIDENTALLY GOT LENGTHY(2k words) AND SAD HAHA (REMINDER THAT THIS IS QPR CONNVERSE, NOT ROMANTIC)

Introduction

Steven Universe is a hybrid son of human and gem, born on Earth- but living his life off planet, in the moon base, ever since that point. Normally, a gem’s lightform automatically adapts to it’s environments, and a Rose Quartz Pink Diamond is certainly a different shape from a newborn human. Steven’s body and his gem, new to this existence, were fighting for dominance in his form. To help alleviate this, the Crystal Gems took Steven and Greg to the moon base; the lack of gravity helped in Steven’s growth and help his gem adapt to the new form (or lack thereof).

The longer he stayed there though, the longer his human anatomy adapted too; his heart enlarged, his bones weak, until he was unable to stay on Earth comfortably for longer than a few days. For 13 years the moon base was his home, the Crystal Gems only taking him to isolated areas on Earth for practice missions, making him wear a face mask; they were afraid his immune system wouldn’t be able to handle being around other humans or animals.

Speaking of his home, the gems took on the task of adapting the moon base to look as much like a human home as they could; they felt guilty for inadvertently confining Steven to such a small space, it was the least they could do. With Greg’s (limited) knowledge, they covered the walls, murals, and floors with wood and plaster, warping in furniture and materials to build in proper electrical systems, water systems, etc. They even built extra floor(s); the base was built for someone the size of a diamond, but Steven didn’t need that as much as he needed floor space to run around. A floor for the living room, bathroom, and warp pad, a floor for the kitchen and garden, and the top conservatory re-purposed as his bedroom. 

Greg frequently visits Steven during the week, considering Beach City has few people needing car washes that often. He comes over slightly less now that Steven is mostly able to take care of himself, but still visits a lot more than canon. The gems’ temple is their base of operations, but they tend to hang out in the moon base if they aren’t off on a mission or doing who knows what in their rooms; it used to be weird for them, but by the time Steven was 10 it became instinct to them to warp there as ‘home’. Amethyst has taken to staying there the most, sometimes just staying there to sleep instead of going to her room; though she has to restrain herself from being the trash lord she is

Because of his lack of interaction, Steven makes many friends online; he’s even set up a curtain around his desk that he can pull behind him, so whenever someone video calls he doesn’t have to explain why it looks like he’s in space. On of these friends he’s made is Connie Maheswaran, a fellow nerd located surprisingly close to Beach City.

Interest Grows

Connie quickly becomes his best friend, hitting it off over their love of books. Steven - knowing very little about normal human life - constantly asks her about hers, living vicariously through her stories. Eventually he explains to her that he’s sick, too sick to leave his house; between the constant curiosity and how often he’s online, she had gotten curious herself. He’s never bonded with another human so well besides his dad, and the fact he can’t visit her severely dampens his mood.

The Gems quickly notice this, trying to help by offering more missions. He learns more about his past and about gemkind, including about his mom’s healing fountain. The Gems and Greg decided to tell Steven that his mom was half-gem, like him, so he wouldn’t feel so alone as a hybrid. He asks if maybe that’d ‘cure’ him, but they tell him there technically isn’t anything to cure; his body simply adapted to his environment, and they were afraid that if it did work, it’d change his anatomy too quickly and end up hurting him even more. Steven saw this as an excuse; he was growing desperate and impatient, and a plan formed in his mind. He became subtly more cold and serious towards the Gems, but joined them as often as he could on missions.

To Earth...

Finally, after months of pushing through the extra work, the Gems planned a mission to a gem site located somewhat near Connie’s city. He texted Connie that he’d see her soon, and taking his cheeseburger backpack, he warped with the Gems to their mission; though he had a different mission in mind. While they were busy fighting the corruption they had found, Steven booked it away from the gem site, running to the nearest bus stop and getting a ride to Connie’s city. She had told him which school she went to, so with the help of confused strangers, he found his way to her school. Finally, the two met in person; on the walk home from school, Steven told her the truth about him and his life; Connie partially believed him considering he had a giant gem embedded in his stomach, but his powers weren’t wanting to work. Steven asked for her help, he wanted to stay on Earth with her, and his best bet was his mom’s fountain. Despite how crazy he sounded, she agreed to help him; she’s been waiting for an excuse to rebel against her parent’s strict scheduling. Besides, how long would it take?

When the Gems finally poofed the corrupted monster and realized Steven was missing, they naturally panicked. Pearl called Greg who used his parental authority to locate Steven’s phone (which Steven kept on him, not realizing Greg could do that) and Garnet used her future vision; between the two, they all hurriedly rushed to the Maheswaran’s house. Turn’s out Steven was either smarter than they thought or just dropped his phone, as they found it sitting on the porch. The Maheswarans were quickly caught up in the situation, realizing their daughter missing at the same time was probably more than coincidence. Garnet’s vision told her that, because he was so curious about the healing fountain, he’d most likely head there. The Maheswarans joined Greg and the Gems in the van, and the party drove off with Pearl’s guidance.

The trip to the fountain took approximately a week, with Steven and Connie hitching rides and taking buses, living off the money Amethyst had given him (”Why do you need all this cash?” “...I wanted to buy stuff off Etsy? Where’d you get all this money anyways?” “Doesn’t matter, it wasn’t being used”) and the money Connie kept in her wallet (her parents insisted she kept ‘emergency cash’ on her, oh how that backfired). They grew closer as friends; Steven fell in love with the Earth and society, and Connie rethought her views on life in turn, her confidence and self-esteem blooming. As they traveled though, Steven could feel himself getting weaker and weaker; his body truly wasn’t able to support him on Earth, to his dismay. He hid it as long as he could, but Connie could tell he wasn’t feeling well as they approached their destination.

...And Back

Connie and Steven made it to the fountain just ahead of the van full of worried adults. The last part of their journey had to be on foot, as there were no roads leading to the small valley hiding their destination. Connie had to support Steven as they reached the overgrown brambles covering the site. Steven was getting desperate, both in wanting answers and needing help for his physical state. The brambles went after Connie; Steven finally proving he at least wasn’t entirely human as he used his shield to cut them off. He put up a bubble around them, collapsing in exhaustion as he protected them from the brambles trying to break through.

The van barely pulled to a stop before the Gems got out and fought off the brambles, Steven finally letting the bubble down. They quickly told the parents to watch the kids as they went to clear the brambles and fix the fountain, the Maheswarans too shocked by the scene to bother yelling at Connie yet, just following Greg in stunned silence. Greg barely registered Connie as he picked up his son and ran after the Gems; Garnet instructed him to place Steven in the empty fountain before running off to help Amethyst and Pearl.

Greg gently laid Steven on the ground with his head propped against his chest; Steven’s physical state was incredibly weak, but he still asked about his mom, trying to get answers while he was able. Greg tells him the truth- Rose was not only a full gem, but that she gave up her form so he could live. Steven thanks him for telling him before passing out, his heart literally being too big to support him. Greg and the Maheswarans were quietly crying as Connie tried to shake him awake, her face panicked (”I believe you now, Steven...you really are a moon boy...c’mon Steven, tell me you told me so”). Greg and Connie were too focused on the wounded boy to notice her parents jumping into the fountain, trying to avoid the brambles that were now coming after them.

Before Steven could take his last breath, the fountain finally flowed over them, the pink water soaking everyone. Greg helped his son float as the CG came running back; everyone waited with bated breath. Finally, Steven coughed and weakly tried sitting up; his body still wasn’t used to the atmosphere, though. The Gems were right about that, at least; his body didn’t seem to need a ‘cure’. He quickly passed out again, but with the reassurance that he was alive, the Gems took control of the situation. While the parents followed in Greg’s van, Amethyst shape shifted into a helicopter and flew Steven, Connie, Pearl, and Garnet to the closest warp pad (Greg took this time to further explain what exactly was happening to Connie’s parents.) 

The Gems reached the warp pad ahead of the van; Connie insisted she came with them, and so did Steven in one of his brief moments of consciousness ; they didn’t have time to argue, so all 5 of them warped to the moon base, to his house. 

Greg helped the Maheswarans follow using his warp flute about 30 minutes later, finding everyone upstairs huddled around Steven’s bed. He had recently woken up with his head in Connie’s lap, and upon seeing the Maheswarans immediately apologized for putting Connie in danger (he had to be told to at least lay back down as he kept talking.) He didn’t mean for her to be gone so long, for her to risk herself for his sake, he didn’t fully understand human society and the complexities of normal life. At his sincere words, the Maheswarans forgave him; Steven protected her, helped her grow, and gave her a friend; they couldn’t ask for a better person to ‘accidentally kidnap’ their daughter (though Connie was fairly grounded for a month; Steven and Connie agreed that seemed kinda fair.)

After a tearful reunion, they decided over dinner that the adults would help the two be able to interact more. Steven would go on more missions, hang out in the fountain, and have a heavier but more regulated integration with human life; Connie would be given her own warp flute and would be able to better adjust to no atmosphere- aka, hang out with Steven in zero gravity. Later this would turn into sword practice and gem adventures, but hey- baby steps, right?

HELLS YEA How’s that? That took- 1.5 hours longer than I thought it’d take to rewrite here lmao OOPS

Also one more reminder that this is QPR Connverse bc my AU my rules; I know the movie was romantic but I ain’t havin it >8)

Anyways ‘The Space Between Us AU’ is too long, I thought about shortening it to TSBU but why do that when it could be BUST AU (EARTH OR BUST, BABEY)-

[themarauderstheoutsidersandpeggy]

hey, if you accepting request at the moment, could i have a fic/hc (idm up to you) where the reader is friends with the marauders and they find out she’s anorexic and self harming. and sometimes has to leave class and stuff cause she gets really bad panic attacks and anxiety for seemingly no reason. Sorry if that to specific, I’ve been having a rough few months. thank you 😊

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Here’s a number of a crisis hotline if you want to  call: 1-800-273-8255 and if you’d like to text: Text HOME to 741741. Please remember that you all matter so so so much to me and that I will always be here for you for absolutely anything. I hope your month has gotten better my love :(

TW: SELF-HARM, EATING DISORDER, AND ANXIETY ATTACK. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU.

Your well worn, “May I please use the restroom?” excuse was clearly wearing thin on Professor Slughorn, as he reluctantly nodded.

“Be back quickly Y/L/N, I’m starting to think that you’re just ditching my class.”

You knew that that’s what it probably looked like as a teacher, a student regularly asking to use the bathroom right in the middle of a lesson or before pairing up with strangers for a group project. But the strict, teacher like tone of his voice was not missed on you and it only made your breathing quicken more as you stepped out into the hallway.

You didn’t have the energy to make it to the bathroom before your legs gave out, and you slid down the wall that the classroom shared with the hallway. Your hands found purchase in your hair, tugging on the strands as you inhaled more oxygen than you needed to. You dug the heels of your shoes into the ground, just a mechanism to tense your muscles that seemed as though they were about to explode if they weren’t used right now. You dug your nose into your knee, having sat with your legs tucked into your chest. The pressure did nothing at all, just giving you a bit of a sore nose as you sat there crying.

You heard the door squeak open and looked up to see a blurry figure, but smelled an all-too-familiar scent with it. James crouched down, resting a hand on your shoulder and pulling you into his lap when you did not reject his touch. You leaned your head against his chest, trying not to be so loud as sobs wracked your body. He rubbed a hand over your back, gripping you tight in his arms. He wriggled his fingers into your fists that were still pulling at your hair, taking them and repositioning them to be in front of you instead. He put a finger each in your fists and allowed you to squeeze his fingers rather than pull your hair.

He whispered softly to you, rambling about his day so that the conversation was not on you. You were able to calm down in his arms, eyes fluttering shut at the constant flow of information that he spouted to keep your mind on something else. You weren’t awake to see James duck his head into the class and tell Slughorn that you needed to be taken to the hospital wing immediately, before picking you up and taking you to his dorm. He tucked you into his bed, smiling gently as you unconsciously nestled into the soft sheets.

It was when you awoke that you saw Remus, sitting on his bed across from you. You sat up in James’ bed, getting his attention from the movement and returning his tentative smile.

Your school uniform was wrinkled from your impromptu nap, not going unnoticed by Remus. He got off of his bed, going to his dresser and pulling a t-shirt out of one of the drawers. He handed it to you, gesturing to the empty bathroom for you to change in. You reluctantly did so, noticing that the sleeves did near nothing to cover the rows of little white lines on your forearms. You resigned to just keep your arms tight to your sides, hopefully Remus wouldn’t notice the awkward position before you got back into James’ bed. You stepped out of the bathroom, nearly making it to James’ bed before you tripped over a stray shoe. The wind was knocked out of you as you landed face down on the floor of the dorms. Remus ran to you, turning you over before you could protest. You tried to tuck your arms back into your sides in time but he caught one of them, brow furrowing as he examined the marred skin.

“I didn’t know you… Why- When did you… I’m-” He floundered several times, finally deciding to keep silent as his eyes asked all of the questions that he couldn’t form. His deep, rich brown eyes looked into yours, slowly filling with tears as your nearly empty ones stared back at him. He had never noticed you struggling, had never noticed the dimmed filter over your usually bright eyes. But it was there, and he blamed himself for not being able to prevent it.

“I used to do it too you know. Being a werewolf is really not good on the self-esteem. But I stopped for you all. You, James, Sirius. Even though you didn’t know, I knew that you wanted me to stop. And I want you to stop. I can help you, you can get professional help if you want. Just please let someone help you. You can’t get through everything on your own.” Once again you were wrapped in one of your friend’s strong holds as your tears began falling, wetting your shirt and staining it darker. He rocked you back and forth, murmuring encouragements into your ears about how strong you were and how you could stop, how you were strong enough to stop. How loved you were by everyone.

Sirius barged in, pushing the door open forcefully and making it slam against the wall behind it. You and Remus both jumped, waving off the stuttered apologies from a now confused Sirius.

“I… If you want me to leave I can.”

“No, it’s okay. You can stay.” Your voice broke twice during the simple sentences but you ignored it and stood from Remus’ lap, offering him a hand.

The black haired boy, ever the joker, decided that it was going to be his mission before you left to make you laugh. He didn’t like seeing you cry, and he wanted to make sure that you didn’t leave their dorm sad.

He started with dumb jokes, earning a faint smile or a light chuckle, but not the hearty laugh that he was going for. He moved to the next step, taunting professors and impersonating them, which brought a few giggles out of you. Maybe he should have stopped there, but he wanted a full laugh. So he waited until you were the most unsuspecting, lunging at you and dancing his fingers over your sides.

He elicited a scream from you, but he thought it was just from the shock and pressed on. You pushed his hands away but he continued, hellbent on making you laugh. But when his fingers brushed over where your abdomen was under the large shirt, instead finding each individual rib in your ribcage, he stopped his motions.

“I.. I should have seen in coming. Remus, can you give us a moment alone please?”

“Uhm, okay..” Remus was reluctant to leave but he knew that it was best, he had no idea what Sirius had found. As soon as the door swung shut behind him Sirius turned to you, hair flying around from the motion.

“Each summer when I go to my parents house, they starve me. They give me the least amount of food necessary to survive, and I started voluntarily not eating after the third summer. I grew so used to the feeling that it started to feel good, in a sick way. But do you remember when I was practicing quidditch against James, and fell off of my broom? I wasn’t out because I hit the ground, I passed out from lack of food. You need to eat, especially because you’re active, you do work all day, you move around a lot. You’re gonna end up passing out one day and we might not be lucky enough to find you before it’s too late. And I’m not losing you, Y/N. Not you.”

“Sirius, I can’t just start eating again, it’s not that easy.”

“I know. You’re talking to someone who’s overcome it, remember? I’ll eat with you each meal, I’m a bit upset that I didn’t notice you weren’t eating sooner, we sit with each other every day. But you can get better and I’m going to help you do it.”

“Okay,” was all you could muster as for the third and final time that day, you let your eyes fall closed as your head laid on the chest of one of the people you loved most in the world.

Taglist: @knowledgeisthebomb @moonyswolf @astertist @accio–zoe @wutheringweasley @crispyfrenchfriescrisis @set-phasers-to-cuddle @thecurlyhairedwinchester @snazzy-posts @huffle-homie24601 @celestialdiamandis @queen678900 @gryffindor-girl420 @ilostcount-helpme @Dedellis @ellie-emb @nervous-shawn @fcavalerro @dorcasmeadoweslupin @chloe-geoghegan1 @lostnliterature @remusfreakinglupin @marvelouspottering @fcavalerro @xmoonylupinx @swansong321 @xinyourdreamsx @spideymood @marauders-trash-forever @khaleesiclifford @thisismysecrethappyplace @gabiatthedisco @writing-red @stardust.and.glitter @sly-vixen-up2nogood @biatheintrovert @mamarhee @spiderman-n @wonder-worlds @honeymalfoy @dumbass-sandwich @emliy-antognoli @raavka @maraudersandco @lilaccoveredteapot @potterhead-of-ilvermorny @spencer-is-too-perfect @blackpinkdolan @my-babies-are-ash @whysoseriouspadfoot @i-padfootblack-things @mysticalsandwichseeker @yallgotkik @lilmissmoony @keey-lime-pi @elenawhatonearthisthis @margotblack @chrisstabme @itsanarttodie @siriusly-sad @addibug @galaxyoffangirls @just4muggles @everything-s-comin-up-aces @sedanleystanley @starryeyedsupernova @mcu-potter-pirate @mublood @svtwit @parkersingfinitywar @onthebroadway @the17resa @thefullbullpen99 @snoploop @johnnycadeissocute @all-thegayships @briisasinamonroll @lady-of-lies @ardentmuse @blueivysuniverse @dark-night-sky99 @ilovetvshowsblog @s0cial-retard @savethehoneeybees @luna-xxxxx @bvmakk @deathofthethrones @humblemei @myfriendsaremypowers @broken-and-alone12 @fandomnerdsarecool @stardust.and.glitter @hopewithadashofglitter @lazydiabetic @killerbumblebee @angeld82300 @alisoncdariel @brungun @marvelismylifffe @iluvmesomemarvelndc @beutiflybybri @stephie-senpai @heartbeats-wildly @em-aesthe @godisreal @vibhati123 @miracleoflove @classypursefarmphysique @cncno @itsshelbygates @majesticavenger @jellyfishwriter @ikbrenda @righttide @marvelousmarauderstrash @hero-ically @itshelaodinsdottirbitch @behindthebook @sewarner @themarauders-headcanons @bloomingonmay @songforhema @rose-aesthete @blueberrytiger01 @i-want-my-name-back @lumonva @unfortunatekiwitrash @smilexcaptainx @oldschool-hoee @kiwi-nonspecificgender @shymagicsworld

[fizzyhosh]

Binding

Chapter Five

Prologue | One | Two | Three | Four | Five

Summary: Remus likes things predictable, orderly, and punctual. His comfort-zone is compromised when he meets (Y/N), a girl who is indifferent, spontaneous, and not outwardly friendly. Despite their obvious differences, he can’t seem to stay away from her, even when they aren’t working side-by-side at the most boring job on the planet.

Word Count: 1269

A/N: HONESTLY it’s been a minute since I’ve posted any fic, let alone a part of Binding. Please forgive me. I’m literally the WORST. I hope this is good enough for you to forgive me ! Also, only ONE MORE PART of this series!!! 

•••••

bind·ingˈbīndiNG

noun 

1. a strong covering holding the pages of a book together.

adjective 

1. (of an agreement or promise) involving an obligation that cannot be broken.

•••••

"You don't have work today," Sirius reminded, glancing over his bowl.

"I know..." Remus said slowly as he bent down and scanned the contents of the fridge.

"Then why are you leaving?"

He stood up slightly and peeked over the door at Sirius. "Am I only allowed to leave the house for work?"

"I mean," he paused to swallow his food before continuing, "you never left the house before you got the job."

"Fair point. It's nice outside today, though."

Sirius frowned. "Are you keeping a secret?" He perked up. "Are you going to see Y/N? Outside of work? Like a date?"

"No." Remus shut him down quickly. "Why do you seem so disappointed by that?"

"You like her and I want you two to hit it off."

"We're friends, Sirius. She has a boyfriend and I'm not a home wrecker. We are going somewhere but it's not a date, alright?

Sirius tried holding back his large grin. "Have fun, mate."

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. I'm just excited for you to start living your best life. I also can't wait for her to realize you two are perfect for each other. Just all around excited."

"You're starting to sound likes James. Go back to the edgy Sirius we all know and love. I'll be back later this afternoon."

"Bye, loverboy."

Remus flipped him off and got on his bike, making his way to where he and Y/N agreed to meet up. He waited a while, wondering if he misread the time they were supposed to meet. He pulled out his phone, alternating between rereading "noon" in the text and looking at the time at the top of his screen. It was close to 12:45 and he was about to head home, only partly devastated that the love of his life didn't show up. That was a an understatement, he was definitely heartbroken.

As he got back on his bike, Y/N yelled across the small park. Remus looked up to see her disheveled and upset. He dropped his bike as she approached him and almost knocked him over as a constant stream of words flowed out of her mouth.

"I can't believe you waited, I'm so sorry I'm late, my alarm didn't go off because my phone died and since my phone died I couldn't text you and I was just hoping you were still here because I value our friendship and ohmygosh I can't believe you're actually still here."

Remus put his hands on Y/N's arms, smiling lightly. "First, breathe."

Y/N nodded and breathed deeply.

"Second, of course I waited. I value our friendship too. And considering how many times you've almost been late to work, I figured you'd be late to this as well." That was only a small lie. He did expect her to be a little late, but not 45 minutes. He also was just trying to calm down the sound of raging butterflies at the "I value our friendship" part by cracking a joke, which worked for a moment until she smiled and riled up the butterflies again. Remus dropped his hands, hoping the lack of contact might settle the noise in his head.

"You are really the nicest person I have ever met."

That felt like a friendzone sentence, which really helped the butterfly noise situation because they immediately stopped, an aching heart replacing the wild animals.

"You look like you need a coffee."

"Yes, I do," Y/N said, leading them to the coffee shop across the street. They talked for a while until their presence was considered loitering and had to find a new place to chat.

Remus liked how easy it was to get lost in a conversation with her. Unfortunately, he was so comfortable that he let words slip that he never intended Y/N to hear.  

"My anniversary is tomorrow and I still have no idea what to do," Y/N said with a sigh as they walked around the park, admiring the weather and nature.

Remus bit his lip, not a fan of this conversation. Y/N's boyfriend really seemed like a piece of trash. "Well tomorrow is doomed for me too. Lily's party." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and kicked the ground.

Y/N nodded. "We should just convince the world tomorrow is cancelled so neither of us have to do our stupid things."

"There must be something that makes you look forward to your anniversary?" Remus prompted as he looked at her sideways.

She sighed and paused for a long time before asking, "Do you think I should break up with him?"

He was taken aback. Here he had the chance to give great advice that would make her break up with her boyfriend, but instead, he let slip the dumbest thing he could have.

"Well, to be honest, I might not have started checking out so many books in the first place if I knew you had a boyfriend, so yeah." His eyes widened as she frowned.

"What?" she asked with a small, confused laugh.

"Uh.."

"Wait... did you only go to the bookstore because I worked there?"

"Y/N, it's not as weird as it sounds."

"Really, Remus? Because it sounds like you stalked me until I offered you a job."

He shook his head vigorously. "No, it's not like that."

"Then what exactly did you do?"

"Look," he took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. "Just let me say what I need to say and then you can fire me and block my number and do whatever else you want. I'm going to be 100 percent honest right now."

Y/N crossed her arms, looking insecure now that she discovered Remus didn't just come into the bookstore because he read super fast. One of the only people she felt she could trust these days didn't seem to be who he said he was.

"I've never been very outgoing or friendly or fluent with words. The first time I saw you, I was completely speechless at how beautiful you were. I couldn't think of the right words to say to you so I just left. The thing is, Y/N, I've never had trouble forgetting about random people or getting thoughts out of my mind but you drove me crazy from the moment I saw you. I couldn't even watch The Princess Bride because I could only think about all the things I could have and should have said to you in the bookstore. So I went back the next day, ready to say all these amazing things but you had your hair up and you looked so perfect that all my confidence just erased completely from existence. I know it sounds crazy but I kept checking out books so I had an excuse to go back and talk to you, but I just could never find the right words to say to you. After I found out you had a boyfriend, I swear I never intended to ruin that or anything. I meant what I said earlier. I do value our friendship. A lot."

He waited and scanned Y/N's face for any hint of any emotion. He'd even be fine with her being royally pissed if he could just tell what she was thinking.

"I have to go," she mumbled simply, emotionless. "Thanks for being honest with me."

Remus stood as he watched her walk to her car, running her hands through her hair. He felt a few tears fall as she drove off, wondering in what world would things have been different?

He got on his bike and rode home, trying to make it back before he started spiraling. Remus' spiral of emotions was something best experienced in the safety of a house with his best mates there to look after him.

Permanent Tags: @aheadfullofsherlock @luna-xxxxx @sjriusblck @gabiatthedisco @siriuslyimmoony @young7711 @diggorysghost @niffleurs@flowercrownchic @havecourage-darling @swellwriting @bluemadcnna @jamcspotters @heartbeats-wildly @mayakblack @sleep-i-ness @sly-vixen-up2nogood @mugglebornmadness @thefantasticalfangirl @portkeys-and-prose @weasleyswizardweezes

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[urlocaltourguide-blog]

LET’S TAKE A TRIP TO...SAN DIEGO!

A single picture on social media can affect a destination, drastically.

A French university student, Zineb Bayad, visited Crema, Italy, where the film “Call Me By Your Name” was shot. She decided to recreate some of the film's most romantic and memorable stills and scenery.

With a single Twitter post and a thread of photos, Bayad transformed Crema into a tourist destination, putting it into play with other places - becoming one of the main reasons to visit.

Crema, is a “place with a name now rather than a unknown place,” according to a tourist.

Since Bayad’s post, Crema has garnered 50% more tourists that its previous year and a number of tours have been created revolving around the film’s locations.

Locals and people who grew up in Crema have shown their displeasure of tourists, concluding it has become “too much sometimes”.

Tourists use social media to create and advertise “Instagrammable” destinations to put places “in play” or to create new ways “to play,” regardless of being mass or nature. The only difference is they affect these places differently.

This can be seen in destinations here in San Diego, a mass tourist destination, Hotel Del Coronado, and a nature tourist destination, La Jolla Coves.

HOTEL CORONADO, MORE THAN JUST A RESORT:

Mass tourist destinations, like Hotel Del Coronado, were initially created as a tourist destination.

As a resort, Hotel Del Coronado, was meant for tourists to enjoy the “four S’s: sun, sea, sand, and sex”, but because of where it is out into play, on a public beach, tourists don’t need to book a reservation to enjoy its surroundings.

As one of the most iconic hotels in the world, tourist websites and packaged deals entice tourists to engage in a luxury experience at the beach, spa, or one of their many dining facilities, but due to social media, it has marketed the hotel as more than just a resort.

Hotel Del Coronado has become a destination, where people can engage in producing “instagrammable” photos, as well as recreating iconic moments in the movie “Some Like it Hot.” This has created a new way for tourists to play, as well as creating a lot of word-of-mouth online, making Hotel Del Coronado an ideal place to visit. This is made possible with the constant surveillance and regulation that keeps it clean and running smoothly for tourists to produce picture perfect posts, which keeps tourists coming back.

The resort labor goes into regulating and containing these enclavic spaces, to remain picture perfect for these “ego-tourists” visiting merely for a photo. About 30 years ago, the area was filled with unpleasant kelp, which was transformed into sand dunes that spelled out “Coronado”, creating another photo for tourists “to play” in.

LA JOLLA COVE, THE JEWEL OF SAN DIEGO:

La Jolla Cove is a beautiful cove near Downtown La Jolla that is known for its vibrant marine life, picturesque sunsets, and remarkable views of the ocean. The area of La Jolla is generally less known to most people when compared to San Diego - and yet, La Jolla Cove is a popular natural tourist destination for people wanting to get closer to nature.

La Jolla Cove presents a unique opportunity for visitors to gaze at seals and sea lions in their natural habitat with zero physical barriers. A feature that makes for a picture-perfect Instagram post. 

There is nothing stopping people from physically interacting with the wild animals, but there are signs reminding people of the dangers of getting too close. While there are laws in place meant to protect them, it is harder to control and enforce such guidelines in the natural area. The influx of photo-driven tourists has caused stress in the seals because they want to pose with untrained, wild seals and end up disturbing their sleep and harassing them.

This tourism has affected the environment drastically, by leading to the deaths of several seals and polluting the area with trash, which not only affects the oceans, but the animals living in them.

Unlike with Hotel Del Coronado, where the picture backdrop is well-maintained and controlled, La Jolla Cove’s open space and lack of boundaries makes it difficult to control the tourist experience. This uncontrolled and unique experience is what tourists seek when coming to this nature-tourist spot rather than a standardized experience at a mass touristy location such as SeaWorld, which is ironic because they have a controlled system for posing with marine life.

                                       _________________________

In conclusion,  we are drawn to both mass tourism and nature tourism by the influence that social media has upon us. We go to these tourist locations to take the ideal pictures we want and post them in order to show that we were there and lived the experience.

We contribute to keeping the cycle of advertisement flowing which keeps the tourist attraction alive by getting other people to want to go there. In order to get a different outcome and have different experiences as those that get the typical tourist experience we can choose to be travelers instead of tourists. 

Instead of going to the most popular places for the credibility and to gloat , we can actually enjoy living in the present and gain unique experiences to share in stories we share later. For example, instead of going to the crowded beaches everybody goes to take pictures and disturbing seals, we can live in the moment and go to the beach to enjoy the view of seals in their natural habitat from a distance.

Or even better, let the seals live their lives unbothered and go explore San Diego  in a unique way which will give you real stories to tell and experiences to share with those you share your stories with. Make new unique  memories/experiences with a city rather than following what everybody does for the aesthetics to go on  social media, because in the long run the memories are what count.

[pcttrailsidereader]

The Simple Things in Daily Life Become ‘Day Makers’ on the PCT

by Kathleen Neves

I have appreciated Kathleen’s commitment to writing creatively and thoughtfully while on the PCT about her experiences.  We have over the past five months posted her writing periodically.  You can also go directly to her blog:

http://www.kathleenlovesyoga.com/

As I hike out here on the PCT, I can’t help but think of how the simple things in daily life can now turn my entire day around and become day makers. These days, living as an unemployed, dirty, thru-hiker, I get really excited to see things like a garbage can, pit toilets with toilet and running water. Week Five proved to be a huge shift in perspective for me. The things I get really excited about and are worth hiking for as a thru-hiker are a lot different than when I was just a day hiker.

Water Sources at Tentsites

One of my favorite things to do after hiking several miles on a hot day is soak my feet in water. A few times this week, we ended our hiking day at a tent site with a flowing creek nearby where we could refill our water while soaking our tired, dirty feet. Having clean and rested feet is one of the best feelings out here on trail.

Satisfying Food Cravings

Hiking the PCT makes me hungry. Really hungry. There’s a phenomenon out here called “Hiker Hunger” and it’s real. Hiker Hunger started for me after 300 miles and it’s only gotten worse the farther I hike up the trail. It can do wonders for shedding weight from your food bag, but Hiker Hunger can also be quite expensive whenever you come into town. Twice this week, I was able to satisfy a few really big food cravings on trail.

On Day 29, Bleeder and I ended our 18 mile hiking day at Cleghorn Picnic Area, Mile 328.1, near Silverwood Lake where we were able to have a large veggie pizza, sides of ranch and a two-liter root beer delivered to us. Those 18 miles were long and hot, but a whole lot easier to do when we knew we’d have pizza for dinner that night. Yes, I’ll most certainly hike for pizza.

Then the very next day, at Mile 341.9, we spent five hours eating at McDonalds. I know what you’re thinking, who would be excited to eat at a McDonalds, let alone want to spend five hours there? The trail does some funny things to your brain while you’re out here. This is the only McDonalds close to the trail (only .3 miles from trail) and is so legendary, it has its own sign on the PCT.

We arrived at the busiest time ever – Saturday afternoon during Memorial Weekend. The place was swarming with dirty thru-hikers AND weekend travelers. There was also a constant long line for the women’s restroom the entire time we were there.

I took full advantage of the five hours we spent here. I started off ordering breakfast with a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, hash browns and an orange juice. After a pause, I ordered Round Two, which consisted of a Big Mac, French fries, six-piece chicken nuggets and an apple pie. Before we left, I ordered an Oreo McFlurry and got two cheeseburgers to-go for dinner later that night. I ate so much food and I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it.

Even out of my own food bag on trail, I’ve been able to satisfy food cravings on a daily basis. I look forward to eating Rice Krispies Treats for breakfast, crave Top Ramen for lunch and will now only eat instant mashed potatoes with a side of brown gravy. Brown gravy makes any meal out here worth hiking for. Who knew?

Hiking in Clean Socks Without Holes

As a day hiker, I always made it a habit to have an extra pair of socks in my pack at all times. It was rare I ever had to use the second pair. Most of the time this extra pair was just extra weight in my pack.

As we were leaving Big Bear (at Mile 266.1) I realized I only had one pair of socks…the same pair I was wearing. I had accidentally packed the rest of my socks in my resupply boxes for the Sierra. Ugh!

My socks were pretty tough for the first two days. But one hole in the big toe turned into two more holes in the heel. Since we never stopped in one place long enough for my socks to dry, I wasn’t able to wash off the dirt that was caking up on them.

I can’t tell you how incredibly uncomfortable it was to hike six days and over 100 miles, in dirt, sand, rocks and with over 16,000 feet elevation gain in socks that were literally falling apart underneath my feet.

I learned a VERY valuable lesson – never leave town without at least three pairs of socks. Have one to wear and at least two for back up. As soon as we got into Wrightwood, I bought a new pair of socks and put them on immediately. I will never underestimate the power and comfort of hiking in clean socks without holes again.

Town Days

Town Days are really exciting out here on trail. Nothing can get me out of my sleeping bag faster than knowing I’ll be able to shower, do laundry, throw away my trash in a garbage can, eat a meal that doesn’t require boiling water and be able to use a toilet that flushes and is stocked with toilet paper in less than 12 hours. Town Days also mean my pack is significantly lighter because my food bag and water carries are practically empty.

This week, we took a Nero Day in Wrightwood. That means we hiked into town early in the afternoon, spent the night in a hotel room with my entire trail family and got back on trail the next afternoon. Our next proper Zero Day would be in Agua Dulce at Hiker Heaven in a week.

Other highlights that happened this week – crawling up Mount Baden-Powell, elevation 9,407 feet, getting a brand new hiking outfit sent to me on trail from the ladies at Athleta and enjoying daily afternoon siestas while hiding from the hot afternoon sun.

The simplest things in life are truly the best and always worth hiking for.

[engekihaikyuu]

Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu - Start of the Giant

Final show curtain call!!!

Full description under the Read More~

At this point I think Engeki Haikyuu curtain calls are semi-cursed lolol each one is slightly more of a mess than the last.  

Very unexpectedly, I ended up in the 5th row from the stage (center section, left aisle) for the final night’s show, and got a wonderful clear view of everyone’s expressions for the curtain call.  I’m just gonna recall everything as best I can and just go in order.  So this is going to be loooong.

First up, Mart-san.  He had his usual standard curtain call message, no misses, always a strong start to the lineup, and ended with another round of cheering for Karasuno, yelling K-A-R-A-S-U-N-O!!! Then Momo, who got to play not just Saeko-nee but also Hana, the manager for Johzenji.  On the far right of the stage, she actually stands between Mart-san and Johzenji, so she’s closest to them and a little more removed from the other Karasuno members.  She said it was a great privilege to be able to play both characters, and that one of the great things was that she could cheer wholeheartedly for both Karasuno and for Johzenji.   Then moving all the way stage left, we move to Shungo (Akaashi).  One of his lines from the NekoFuku match is asking Bokuto, “Was that OK?”  (OKですか？） He says this when Bokuto’s making a comeback out of his slump, and he wanted to say it to the audience and have us reply with, “OK!” （OKです！） Takumi (Bokuto) was after that.  Takumi was actually quite teary-eyed when they came out for the curtain call bows, but he recovered by the time it was time for his message, so he was ok when talking.  He kept it pretty short and simple, but of course, he wanted us to shout, “Hey hey hey!!!” when he gave us the cue: “We really are the best!”  Then onto Shouri (Kuroo), who also kept his message relatively short and simple, but said, “I really want to play the battle at the trash heap.”  Takato (Kenma) was the one who dragged out their segment by trying to steal Shouri’s captain thunder.  Traditionally, each member of each team will give a message and then the team captain closes them out by saying, “Thank you for supporting X school.”  Takato tried to say, “Thank you for supporting Nekoma High” but Shouri stopped him like, “Hang on, that’s me!  That’s my bit!” Then Takato called him Shiro (with Shouri going, “Wrong color!”), and eventually they settled down into asking if they could do the Nekoma chant with the audience again.  So we did, I definitely tried to yell it EXTRA loud, and then Shouri shouted, “Thank you for supporting Nekoma High!”   Then we would’ve moved onto Ariken except Kenta stepped forward and reminded Takumi that he forgot to do that for Fukurodani.  Takumi was very flustered by it and kind of meekly started saying it, but Kenta was like, no no no.  Stand up tall and do it in a big voice!  So he stood up a little straighter and yelled, “Thank you for supporting Fukurodani Academy!” and then he and Shungo bowed again.  

Then we moved onto Arita Kenji (Ushijima) (stage right next to Momo), who gave a very serious, mostly very formal message at first... and of course mentioned how he’d be returning in the autumn show with the rest of his team, but he slipped and sort of said that they’d start working immediately, and Kenta was like, “That was fast!  Geez, don’t we get a break?!”  Kage-chan chimed in too about wanting a little break lol.  And then Shouri yelled from his side of the stage to remind Ariken to do his captain message.  And he seemed a little unsure, since he has literally no one else from his team, but he did it anyway (and finally broke out a smile~) and said, “Thank you for supporting Shiratorizawa!” 

Then we move back to stage left to go through Wakunan, and most of them were in tears.  I definitely ended up tearing up with them.  Yuma (Akiu) was first up, and he was so in tears he had a lot of trouble speaking.  We the audience cheered him on, clapping and telling him to do his best, and eventually he got out his thank you.  Mossan (Naruko) took over then, and he was all smiles as he gave his message, patting Yuma to try and cheer him up.  But then next was Goku (Hanayama) who was also so in tears he was very nearly unintelligible.  But even while crying, he snuck in some humor.  He said thank you to the wonderful cast, the staff, Ryoutarou--  At which point half the stage fell over laughing and Kenta interrupted like, “Normally you stop after cast and staff!  What is this?!  Cast and staff and Ryoutarou?!”  And Ryoutarou looked very bashful but he was also laughing.   Then Masa (Shiroishi), who had been in tears when they were initially lined up for curtain call, but like Takumi he recovered in time when it was his turn to speak, so he rushed through his thank you, spelled out his name energetically in English: K-I-M-U-R-A and passed it on to Nao (Kawatabi).  Nao had been pretty sniffly, and was still a little bit during his message, but he got through it ok.  And then Rin (Nakashima Takeru).  Oh my goodness my heart went out to Rin.  Rin had basically started crying towards the end of the Wakunan match, crying at the end of it, crying throughout the scene where he’s sitting outside talking about how the last few moments of that match were in slow motion, but he wanted to keep playing.  And I saw him teary-eyed throughout the closing sequence, his bows, and as they lined up.  He was just a constant flow of tears.  He said how much the show meant to him, how wonderful everyone on Wakunan was, and how wonderful everyone was on the cast and staff.   Kenta had to remind him to do his captain message, and he too, was a bit timid about it so Kenta had to urge him to do it properly lol.  But by the time he said, “Thank you for supporting Wakutani South High!” the rest of his team was supposed to follow by saying, ‘Thank you very much’ but they didn’t because they were unsure when to start, so everyone erupted in laughter and the team just bowed anyway lololol.  

We move to stage right to Johzenji, where literally all of them, from Rin to Aiji to Shihou to Youta to Ayato to Funakki all gave near flawless messages without a single miss.  Funakki (Terushima) said, “I hope that Johzenji left an impression and that something of us will carry on into future shows” and in response to that, Kenta made the Johzenji party hands gesture lol.  Then Funakki started going, “Thank you for supporting Johzenji High!” and Kenta was just like “How is it that Johzenji is doing everything properly?  Aren’t you guys supposed to play around more?” 

Ami (Yachi) and Shizune (Kiyoko) kept their messages short and simple and sweet, albeit ADORABLE, and Ami mentioned how happy she was to be able to do the Karasuno cheer with everyone.  Shizune got a bit nervous and fumbled over what she wanted to say so she just cut it short, and the two turned and nervously laughed at each other.  

Then Shige-san (Takeda-sensei), who got a bit nostalgic, remembering that they’ve been working on this production for 3 years.  For him personally as an actor, he said it was the longest he’d ever worked on a single show, but as he struggled to come up with the exact number of shows they’d done, Tsuyoshi-san answered for him, “We’ve done 212 shows!  Remember it better!”  For Tsuyoshi-san (Ukai both younger and senior lol), he actually told us the trick behind switching between the younger and senior Ukais.  He’s actually wearing TWO wigs lol.  He wears his blonde, young Ukai wig over his grey, old Ukai wig, and basically swaps between the two by ripping the blond on and off backstage.  Takato yelled from the other side of the stage, “Take it off!  Show us!” so he did actually lift the blond of his wig to show us the grey underneath!  

On to the Karasuno players!!!  

Justin started his message on a serious note, thanking cast and staff, commenting on the new third-year unit, and then promising to do his best for their graduation in the fall.  Then he turned to Naoki and said it was time to do his usual, and everyone in the audience hooted and cheered.  Naoki was like, oh no.  What?  And Keita laughed and held his shoulder like, ‘It’s your turn now.’ So Justin yelled SUGAAAAAA as he’s always done, and told him he needed to do an Egashira 2:50 impression later (Egashira is a comedian who usually appears shirtless in black leggings).  Naoki took after Hiroki very well and screamed, “Nooooooooooooo!!!” and ran to the back of the stage lol.  (He did do it though, and I’ll post the video later) Naoki for his message mentioned how nervous he was to take on the part of Sugawara after Hiroki, and he hoped that he did a good job keeping the parts of Hiroki’s Suga that were best while also putting himself into Suga.  Where Hiroki used to make the audience shout, “We love you!” (大好き！), Naoki wanted to change it up just a little, and have us shout, “We love you lots!” (いっぱい好き！） Kenta laughed, “It’s only a little different!”  Keita of course mentioned the fact that he had been Daichi in the first show, but then left while Akisawa Kentarou played the role for two years before he came back, and that he was very glad to be able to come back to the production.  As he said this, Ryoutarou started tearing up and crying on his side of the stage, and Kenta was like, “It’s not even your turn!”  He was obviously also very emotional about Keita’s return to the production, and after Keita wrapped up his message, he walked across the stage to give Ryoutarou a hug.   Moving stage left, we have Kazuma who said that he wanted to keep things light, especially after the emotional message he gave after the show last night.  He gave his thanks and then asked us to clap as always in rhythm for him to do that weird pose he’s always done in curtain calls and then he turned to Fucchi and said, “Give us the Super Deluxe Rolling Thunder!”  So Fucchi just ran to the back of the stage and started rolling and tumbling around screaming Super Deluxe Rolling Thunder, but since there was literally nothing for him to receive, he just fell over at the end, and everyone laughed.  Then he gave a very fiery, energetic thank you to cast and staff, and said the second-years really are the best, asked Ryuu to agree, then the two of them did the SOI SOI SOI we so love.   For Kouhei’s turn, he wanted us to shout “Tanaka-senpai!!!” as always.  Who’s the coolest?  Tanaka-senpai!!  Etc... But then he got very serious after he made us do that a few times and said, “Even though... Tanaka in this show caused injury to Daichi-san... and got depressed and troubled his teammates... and needed saving from Ennoshita...”  And then he pretty much dedicated his curtain call message to Ennoshita, and he almost made Kazuma cry.  Kazuma had to step back from the line-up, turn his back to the audience to collect himself.  Kouhei reiterated how amazing all the second-years are, and then it was on to Kairi.   Kairi began by stuttering, “P-p-p-playing Y-Y-amaguchi--” and Ryoutarou turned to scold him in the same way that he does during the show.  During the show, when it’s Yamaguchi’s turn to serve and he’s a nervous wreck about it, Tsukki tells him, “It’s not like before.  If you happen to score a point, everyone will just think, how lucky, that’s all.”  So for the curtain call, he tells Kairi, “It’s not like last time.  As long as you say anything, the audience here will think they’re lucky to hear it.”  And Kairi replies with, “Thanks, Tsukki!” as he does in the show, and then gives his thank you message. To introduce Ryoutarou, he puts on a nasally voice and goes, “Next, next is... Tsukishima Keiiii...”  Then Ryoutarou mimes doors opening, steps forward, and then anti-climatically bows and says, “If you please.” (お願いします。） Which makes a bunch of people laugh and fall over because of how anti-climatic it was lol.   Ryoutarou then said that he swore to himself that he wouldn’t cry, but he ended up crying anyway, and reiterated how happy he was to have Keita return to the production.   For Kage-chan’s turn he kept it serious and straight-forward, bringing up how hard they’d be working toward their graduation, and how they’d be sure to carry on the spirits of everyone who wouldn’t be joining them for that show.  He looks at the Wakunan and Johzenji members as he says this.  He recalled how during the Summer of Evolution curtain call he’d felt relieved when it was all over, he’d been so nervous, but now he’s really glad to be here and all he wants is to keep going.   Finally Kenta, who started by pointing out just how carefree everyone else had been with their messages even though they didn’t really have the time to do so because of the Live-Viewing audience.  He told us that the staff were in his earpiece trying desperately to hurry them along, but that this carefree attitude is one of the wonderful parts of the Haikyuu family.  He then said, that although he’d been trying really hard not to think about the fall production and their upcoming graduation, his head was now full of it with this show being done, and he just couldn’t help but feel, “Let’s do it one more time,” quoting Hinata.  (もう一回）

They bowed, they left, we all stood to give them a standing ovation to return to, Kenta thanked us for the ovation, the entire cast bowed once again... This time Kazuma lingered a bit in the back of the stage, and gave another bow before he left.  Then Kage-chan, then Kenta, then they were gone.  

For the final entry, which is always just Kage-chan and Kenta, they came out to us all smiles and off-the-cuff as usual, and making weather references again lololol.  Because although Engeki has a history of bad, rainy weather during the last show, we actually had very nice weather today, so Kenta was feeling really good about that.  Almost as if some... sun-like figure... had something to do with it... (referencing Hinata of course).  Kage-chan halfheartedly scolded him, but also mentioned how nice it was to not have to carry an umbrella lol.   They joked it was the perfect weather for flying, and how they wanted all of us in the audience to fly too.  “But only until you get to the station.  Not inside the station.”   They didn’t linger too long this time.  I think this third curtain call was shorter than the one they had during Summer of Evolution.  But they promised to work hard in the fall show as well, and then it was time for final bows and for the staff to shoo us out of the theater lol.  

[forthemultiverse]

Come Back To Me - Jason Todd x Reader

So I read a post about the nickname Jaybird and got inspired. Requests are coming soon 😊

“Jaybird…” your voice was tired, and you just hoped he could still hear you.

Every Robin has their Batgirl, every Batgirl has their Robin. You didn’t make the rules, and Bruce hadn’t even noticed the pattern until Damian complained about his lack of partner’s. 

“They all have an advantage!” Damian stuck his nose in the air whilst trying to prove how he was the best Robin.

“Maybe if you were a little bit nicer, people would want to work with you.” Stephanie rolled her eyes.

“You can’t beat the first Robin, Dami.” Dick ruffled the boy’s hair and smiled.

“Um! I only had to give up the mantle because you gave it to him, and you got fired! Prooves I’m number one!” Tim pointed out.

“(Y/N)?” Damian noticed your lack of interest in the conversation. “You were Batgirl once.”

“Yeah?” you turned up from the computer and raised an eyebrow. You didn’t think this conversation should involve you. You weren’t Batgirl for long, and you’d even given up the game for a bit. 

“Who’s the best Robin?” Tim looked at what you’d been doing and corrected a few of mistakes whilst asking. You nodded your thanks but still weren’t too invested in their little competition. 

“You really want my opinion on that?” 

“You’ve worked with all of us as Robin.” Tim shrugged

“So’s Babs,”

“But she’s Grayson biased.” Dick shot Damian a look.

“Yeah, I guess I can’t be biased…”

“Jaybird, please…” Tim had hacked the Red Hood Helmet for you, knowing you might be able to get through to him.

“What do you think you’re doing!” a young you yelled out of your bedroom’s balcony door. The garden attatched to your house was large, and the balcony gave you a perfect view of the stars, your manor located just outside Gotham’s Clouds. Your parents had built the house there for that reason. They wanted the sun to always be shining on them. They didn’t bother with the night time, they work in the morning and flights abroad to catch. They didn’t know you could barely sleep in the practically empty house, or that you’d stay up all night reading with the balcony door open. “Is that man bleeding!”

Robin was just under the balcony, attempting to drag a large and cloaked man across your lawn. A large and cloaked man, who you suddenly realised was Batman.

“Oh my god, you have to let me help!” you slid on to the other side of the railing and hoped to the nearest tree. You’d snuck out enough times to know you’d be down in a minute. The years of gymnastics and self-defence you parents had put you in to give you something todo paying off in unexpected ways. 

You put yourself under one of Batman’s shoulders and helped to support his weight.

“What…?” Robin couldn’t finish the sentence and you didn’t let him.

“I can help.”

“How?”

“There’s no way you can get him wherever you’re going. This is my house, I can get you in and you can call whoever you need to.” 

You put the backdoor code in and Robin followed. You could tell he was conflicted, even if you couldn’t see much of his face, but he was definitely out of options. Whilst he phoned someone, you started to bandage up the Dark Knight as best you could. Putting pressure to stop the blood flow.

“How do you do that?” Robin asked you carefully, coughing slightly like he was trying to change his voice.

“Common knowledge?”

“That’s not common knowledge, and I’m rolling my eyes by the way.”

“Whatever, Birdboy.”

“Robin.”

“Birdboy.” if he was going to be rude, so were you.

“Jaybird, listen to my voice.” You were too far from the fight to save anyone, but you were still going to try, dragging your suit on as you spoke.

“Who’s that?” Jason asked Bruce, pointing to you as you arrived at the Wayne Gala with your parents.

“(Y/N)(Y/L/N). Her parents are in charge of international relations with the company I’ve just partnered with to support this Charity.” Bruce nodded to your parents, “Why?”

“Nothing.”

“Do you have a crush, Jason?”

“No!” Jason scowled

“Miss (Y/N) was the one who helped Jason the other night when you were bleeding out Master Bruce,” Alfred explained. Jason glared slightly, he hadn’t exactly told Bruce he’d gotten a civilian involved.

“You got a random person involved?”

“She caught me trying to get you back to the Manor and I didn’t have an option. I phoned Alfred who phoned Leslie to come and patch you up properly,” he mumbled.

“You should talk to her,” Bruce suggested.

“Why?”

“You’ll be seeing her at all of these events and she’s one of the few people your age.” 

“Jaybird, listen to my voice, stop for just a second to listen.” The gunshots were still being fired and Bruce was running out of options. Tim was already on the floor, and if Jason couldn’t hit Bruce, he’d shoot Tim. 

You caught the fist of the thug and flipped him, despite him being double your size. You were not about to hand over anything to him, and you were not going to wait for someone to save you. Placing your hand on the pressure point on the back of his neck, you lowered him carefully to the floor and took his knife. You tossed it into the trash, making sure it dropped to the very bottom. He could try and get it back, but he wasn’t going to see it anytime soon. 

“Smooth,” Robin said, dropping into the alley and examining the passed out man. 

“We have to stop meeting like this.” you joked. This was about the sixth time you’d met Robin in the past month. Ever since you’d started swim training at a later time in the evening, people kept trying to jump you whilst you waited for your taxi. He’d arrive just after you’d kicked the amateur criminals butt and sometime’s he’d even help you out.

“You need to stop putting yourself at risk.” he wasn’t saying it out of kindness, he spoke bitterly.

“Then you need to get here quicker.”

“Why don’t you just wait at the sports centre?”

“Where’s the fun in that.”

“Well, Batman wants to talk to you.”

“You don’t sound too happy about it…should I be worried Bird Wonder?”

“Robin.”

“Bird Wonder.”

“Jaybird! Stop, think about what you’re doing!” You were getting desperate. You needed to get through to him. Jason had meant so much to you before he died, and you’d thought you’d meant something to him. You’d been Batgirl and Robin. 

“I did pretty well for my first night.” You smiled, swinging to the floor in the Batgirl suit. Batgirl was a lot more fun than any other activity you’d started to give you something to do. Your parents were good parents, but they were distant and busy, and you were getting a bit sick waiting around for them every day. The company they worked for helped people, and you wanted to help people too. As Batgirl you could.

“Sure.” Robin scowled, sending you a glance as you landed int he Batcave. Batman had let the two of you go out alone for your first night. He called it teambuilding. Robin didn’t seem so onboard with the idea of you, you’d put up with it all night. Finally, you were done trying to be nice. 

“I’m not going to replace you.” you snapped, knowing exactly why he wasn’t being nice. It was written all over his face from the moment Batman said he wanted you to be Batgirl. 

“Obviously,” he growled

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m Robin!” he held out his hands in one big gesture. “You’re just some rich girl who got bored and was in the right place at the right time. From your list of other ‘clubs’, it’s obvious that you get bored and give up. You’ll get bored of this too, and go back to your balcony in your big house and I’ll still be here.”

“Whatever chip you have on your shoulder, don’t you dare take it out on me. Yeah, I am just some rich girl, but Batman wanted my help. I’m good at this, and I’m not giving up. So either get on board or get out of my way before someone gets hurt because your ego can’t take a partner. Maybe Batman wanted me because you need to learn how to work with people. I’m not replacing you, and you’re not getting rid of me. We don’t need to like each other, but we need to have each other’s back - can your attitude problems do that or am I going to have to fight alone out there, Birdie? 

“What is it with you and nicknames?”

“Their fun.” you shrugged.

“I don’t like them.”

“You will.”

“Jaybird! I know this isn’t you, and I know the real you is in their and can hear me.” Batgirl and Robin was just the brink of your relationship. Batgirl and Robin were what the public saw. You’d both been so much more than that. You’d been Jason and (Y/N). You’d drive each other crazy in just the right way. 

“You okay, Birdbrain?” You joined him on the roof of some building in Gotham. Batman wasn’t out that evening, and your parents were at a gala you definitely didn’t want to attend. Robin had become better with you after the first month together. He wasn’t an actual one hundred percent asshole. From what you could tell, he just had very big replacement anxiety and attachment problems.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be tonight?”

“Nope, why?”

“Just figured you were busy…”

“So, we know you know who I am, am I ever going to know who you and Bats are?”

No response. That hurt you a little bit. A lot actually. But it didn’t matter, you both were patrolling the city. You had better things to do, and it wasn’t like you thought Robin would tell you, take his mask off, and exchange real numbers or anything. The question was always going to be a long shot, you just wanted a face.

That entire patrol was extremely tense, not between you guys but the city. It was like it knew Batman wasn’t there and decided to go crazy. But crazy in a small way. No big name criminals trying to blow building up, just constant bank robbery attempts and thug violence on civilians. You were both tired, you were both becoming sloppy, and Robin currently had a gun shoved at the base of his head.

“Trust me?” you asked him, the criminal smiling like an idiot thinking he’d won. He nodded slowly and you threw the Batarang into his thigh. Robin shrunk down in pain and the criminal stepped back in shock. You fired two at him, using the distraction you’d caused. He was pinned to the wall and you tied him up, calling the police to his location. 

“Quick thinking…” Robin said, biting down on his lip.

“You can cry, I won’t judge.”

“I could’ve ducked.”

“Because you can duck faster than he can shot.”

“Good point.” he stood up straighter and rubbed the cut. “You didn’t throw them very hard.”

“I wasn’t actually trying to hurt you. Pain wearing off?”

“Yeah, It’ll sting for a bit.”

“But it won’t leave a scar.” You assured him. You had only thrown it hard enough to make actually reach him, nothing else. You barely ever throw a punch with the intention too truly hurt someone. Batman said you and Robin balanced each other out. You only punched as hard as you had too to get the point across, Robin punched with everything he had, he was trying to prove his point too much. Too little meant people underestimate you and too much meant Robin could go too far.

You both returned to the cave, calling it a night and hoping the police could deal with anything else that might happen.

“Jason,” Robin said when you landed in the cave

“What?”

“Jason Todd,” he took off the mask. “It’s unfair for you not to know.”

“Aer you warming up to me!”

“No!”

“Oh my god, you are! This is breakthrough!” You declared, ignoring the fact that it meant Bruce freaking Wayne was Batman. 

“Don’t make it into something.”

“But I’m going too.” You tried to ignore how cute his face was, slightly regretting seeing it now. 

“I regret this already,” he complained

“No take backs!”

“Jaybird!” you were pleading into the helmet. Swinging across the city and trying to find them. 

“It’s working.” Bruce sent a text through the comm system, not wanting Jason to know you were being used as a tool against him. “You’re messing with his head.”

That’s where you and Bruce were different, you didn’t want to be a tool, you didn’t want to mess with his head any more than it already had been. You wanted to help your Jason. 

“Jason!” you yelled, seeing him at the Gotham Academy gates. He made eye contact with you and tensed up. Two of his friends were with him but you still ran towards him. 

“(Y/N),” he looked at his friends quickly before focusing back on you.

“Pretty girl…” one of them whispered, bright red when you looked at him. 

“I saw you and thought I’d say hey.” you didn’t go to Gotham Academy. Your parents sent you to an all-girls school that worked on the idea that girls thrived without distractions. 

“Hey.” he was glaring at his friend’s awestruck faces. “What are you doing here?”

“Our school’s coming to some lecture going on here today.”

“Oh yeah, Bruce signed me up for it I think.”

“That’s cool, none of my friend’s are here, so can I sit with you?”

You motioned to the gaggle of girls behind you, a few staring at the boys like they were some foreign currency, some looked overly bored, some were just dismissive. 

“Sure.” you gasped, “Don’t look so surprised. We are friends and you asked.” you smiled at that. No way were you going to let him forget that he’d said it, you were tempted to make him say it again so you could record it and make it his Robin ringtone. 

“You are both witnesses for when he tries to claim he doesn’t like me!” the boys nodded their heads in unison, still awestruck by you. Jason snapped his fingers in their faces, neither of them reacting. He looked at you again, thinking over the pretty comment It was true, you were very pretty, and you were trying so hard with him even though he’d been so cold towards you at the start. And you were clever, and you called him annoying names, and you were his Batgirl. His. You’d had no connection to Batman before him, and you never tried to compare him to Dick. 

He did not have a crush on you. Not at all. Defintiely not. 

“See you later then…Jaybird.” you winked and disappeared, leaving him unsure of what to actually do with himself.

“Jaybird, my Jaybird. You can stop this. I’m nearly there, wait for me, I can help you the way I always did.” you were so close to Bruce’s location, so close to him. You hadn’t wanted to believe that Red Hood was Jason, that he was killing people and screaming for blood, but it made sense. Jason had loved Bruce. He’d thought of Bruce as his family. His real family until his ‘mum’ reappeared. You’d seen him as Red Hood, with the helmet off. His helmet hair looking annoyingly perfect but his eyes crazy and unfocused. Bruce had made you take a step back, he didn’t want you to be at risk. 

“Something’s different Alfred.” Bruce raised an eyebrow at you and Jason, who were out in the Garden and reading together. Your legs layered on top of each other and the occasional rant coming out about something in the story or a character. 

“World’s Best Detective.” Alfred rolled his eyes,

“But what is it…They’ve been different in the field too, making small jokes, choosing to train together, collapsing on the safe after training. They don’t even speak before doing some kind of trick. They just do it. She lept off a building yesterday. I caught them doing homework together…Kids don’t do homework.”

“Jason is exceptional at school, you know that Master Bruce. He loves it and they trust each other.”

“No, this is more than trust.”

“World’s Best Detective.” Alfred repeated, shaking his head, “You honestly need me to tell you what it is?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yes.”

“Then what?”

“They’re, what the kids say, crushing.”

“Crushing…” he paused, “Crushing!” he spun round to stare at them again, suddenly noticing the small happy looks Jason was giving you as he tapped your leg lightly and the laugh you gave him as you swatted his knee. “

“Jaybird…” your voice was tired, and you just hoped he could still hear you.

“Jaybird?” You asked, opening your balcony door as he tapped it. You’d been sleeping, and hadn’t expected to be woken by him - at least not in normal clothes. You guys had plenty of late night talks in costume, often after Bruce had sent you both to bed he’d make sure you got home and then you’d talk for about an hour. It was a nice little thing you’d developed. 

“I’m going to my mum,” he said, rubbing his arm and pacing up and down the balcony as you leant on the railing.

“Really?” You’d heard him talk about his mum being alive, you’d seen him and Bruce arguing, you’d seen how the Dynamic Duo didn’t seem to fit together anymore.

“Yeah, I can’t deal with it anymore. I need to know, I have to go, I’m done with Bruce and his complaints and standards and comparisons. I’m done living in that stupid Manor and having the whole damn thing for literally two people, I’m done with everything and I can’t stay here.” he sounded stressed - like he was going to break down at any second.

“That’s…” you didn’t know how to respond. You didn’t want him to leave, you wanted him to stay and be your Robin. “Are you sure.”

“Everything here sucks, it isn’t me and I don’t want it to be. It can all burn,” you knew he was angry but it still hurt. He caught your eye and groaned. “I didn’t mean that at all.”

“Go, Jason, go find your mum.” you nodded slowly. You didn’t say it angrily or accusingly, he didn’t need that and you wouldn’t have your last conversation with him before he left as an argument. 

“I didn’t mean you.”

“I know…” you nodded with full sincerity. 

“You cut me too much slack.”

“No I don’t.” you sighed, “I just care about you enough to let the small things slide.”

“I care about you too,” he whispered. “I mean, I’m an idiot, I was so awful to you at the start.”

“You grew up though, grew out of it.” you pointed out.

“I grew up.” he smiled at you. A soft smile he’d only ever let you see. “I grew up and realised how awesome you were and how much I needed you in my life, even though I hate the Jaybird nickname and would rather you called me literally anything else. But it’s you, so it’s okay, because you’re perfect, and I had to do one last thing before I left, and I wouldn’t have killed myself later on if I didn’t just get up the courage to do it, I mean I’m leaving anyway so what’s there to lose.”

He stopped pacing, turning and walking straight towards you, kissing you before you had a chance to ask what his one last thing was. He kissed you softly and carefully, placing his hands on your back as yours slipped perfectly around his neck.

“Jace -” you pulled away for a second only to lean back in and continue kissing him. 

When you did finally pull away properly, he disappeared without a word. You were sad, but you understood and you didn’t blame him. He needed to find his mum, and if he stopped to talk to you, you’d end up giving his a reason to stay. So you let him go, assuming he’d come back to you eventually, once he’d done everything he had to.

The gun was pointing at Bruce, shaking slightly, but the bloodlust made it clear he wasn’t going to miss. He was about to pull the trigger when you came crashing through the door.”

“Jace!” you screamed,  it killed you so much to finally see him again. Seeing him like this. Broken and insane. He was in pain, and there wasn’t anything you could do to help him. “Come back to me, Jace!” you begged, weak and about to cry.

The gun dropped to the floor and he looked at you. He was panting, his entire body shaking, his eyes becoming clearer. He was angry, confused, and silent. He didn’t say anything, you didn’t move any closer. He left without a word. He left you. He left you again. Disappearing out of the window before you could say anything to make him stay.

[make-it-mavis]

( It’s been a year and a couple days since I first re-read my old fanfic and fell back in love with it, leading to picking it up again. Now seems as good a time as any to do a mushy post that’s as long as my arms will allow!

The past five years have been really rough. A handful of undiagnosed mental illnesses and conditions on top of just shitty circumstances really took their toll. Been in and out of jobs, lost a lot of friends, had rough times with family, been in near-constant financial trouble, and lived with an abusive roommate for three out of those five years. It feels like I’ve been locked in full-on survival mode for so long, I forgot how to relax, how to actually enjoy myself, and, really, I feel like I lost touch with who I am as an individual and what matters to me.

And then, on top of all that, I was forced to rely solely on art commissions for income for almost two years. I was drawing things I hated almost every day, and honestly, sort of forgot why I draw in the first place. My art has always been how I understand myself and the world around me. I understand now just how strongly tied it is to my well-being. Somewhere along the line, my art stopped being for me. I had no voice in it anymore.

I had no voice at all. And I didn’t think I had anything of value to say.

Then, in an effort to reclaim old loves that I’d abandoned because they’d been deemed ‘cringey’ by others, I gave a shot at reading my old fanfic that I was certain would make my skin crawl. It was a mess. It was poorly planned, had no plot structure, and inconsistent character writing.

And I fucking loved it. 

I think I loved it more than anything else I’ve ever made. Because when I made it, it was for me. All the good parts about it, parts that I still read and go “There’s no way I wrote this!”, all came from me making something purely from a place of love and self-validation -- it all came from me, in my purest form. The whole story was me! Messy, all over the place, but clever, charming, quirky, and bursting with love. 

When I read it again, I swear I could physically feel a spark ignite in me that had been out for so long. I remembered that I was a person. I’m still working on this. I’m a person with thoughts and feelings and ideas that matter, a person who can make something as wonderful as this fanfic that had made me so happy. 

Reading my old fic made me remember that I matter. There are things inside me worth a great deal, and they’re worth sharing.

Then, deciding to reboot the old fic was a big deal. Thanks to a lousy, traumatic childhood, I kind of have major struggles with being open about how genuinely I enjoy certain things, out of fear of being ridiculed for it or having that thing mocked. And, well, let’s face it, a Wreck-it Ralph fanfic with an OC that’s definitely romantically involved in some degree with a canon character? By most people’s definitions, that’s cringey as fuck. That’s something that’s hard to be open about. But I’m really pushing myself with this to do what I want to do, and trust that my own interests and ideas have value. I’m pushing myself to pursue what makes me happy, and not cave to that chronic shame in me. And you know what? It’s going great! I can’t make much right now, unfortunately, but what I am able to do, and the constant ideas I have flowing, I love all of it! And I love that I can make something that I love again! My relationship with my own creativity is better than it’s been in years.

As for my rainbow trash daughter? Writing Mavis and being in her headspace has been so therapeutic. She’s a shameless mischievous asshole, which is not only a good way to vent my inner snark, it’s really forced me to loosen up and get creative. When your character is a prankster with item-creation power, you really gotta get loosey-goosey with it. She’s also really fed the more colorful, adventurous side of me -- I’ve noticed I’m trying new things more, pushing through my anxiety, and laughing easily. I think writing her has just really encouraged me to not sweat the small stuff, and take every opportunity to be playful and have fun. Hell, I’ve even gotten into an exercise routine because of her and the fic -- walking and listening to music is how I get my ideas. She’s brought out degrees of my old optimism I missed so much.

Mavis just means a whole lot to me. She represents a lot more than what she is.

Turbo has been a bit more of a struggle, but I’m really happy with how things are going with him now. I had a lot of anxiety around my personal interpretation and portrayal of him, especially in relation to Mavis, because he is a fan favorite and there is a smattering of other good Turbos on here and canon characters doing almost anything with OCs is always under major scrutiny, but now? Now, I say, fuck it. I did what I wanted with him back then, and I’m forcing myself to do that now. That’s what all of this is about, after all -- doing something for me. Developing and embracing my Turbo is just another step in this huge journey of self-love and it feels great.

And, of course, the shitgoblins together? I mean, how good does it feel to write your own OTP, lmao? Everything that their weird and broken and delightful relationship is, all the goofy playfulness and heavily-masked sweetness and gut-wrenching heartache, all of it means so much to me, to be able to write that. Because it’s the most self-indulgent thing I’ve made in years. I love it. And hearing that you guys love it just pulls back the rotten dusty curtains of my heart and lets the sun shine in. It makes me so genuinely happy, because this all comes from such a genuine place for me. 

It says to me, “We’re hearing your voice, and we like what we’re hearing!”

God.

This all means so much more to me than just a fanfic or an OC. This has been my therapy. This has been me recognizing that I deserve to be uniquely and unapologetically me, no matter what anyone else thinks. Everything I’ve done with this over the past year has been a radical act of self-love and self-acceptance.

And I want to thank you all so much for sharing in it with me. It means the world to me, it really does.

With the mushiness sufficiently scrawled, I will close by saying: 

Happy anniversary to We Can Make It 2.0! )

[paintedrecs]

302, I Love You

[Read on AO3]

It was a beautiful summer morning—mid-70s with a light breeze, ideal weather for soaking up the sun without fear of overheating. If anyone asked, that was why Stiles was sitting on his balcony with a book he hadn’t touched in the last half hour and a mug of coffee he’d been absently sipping from, his gaze fixed on the parking lot several stories below.

Coincidentally, one of his neighbors—Hot Dude From 302, not that it was relevant—had chosen the same morning to wash his stupidly flashy Camaro. Stiles wasn’t watching him. He was sitting on his balcony, which happened to face the back parking lot, and Hot Dude happened to be in his general line of sight. And anyway, if he had been watching him, it was only to document the details of his flagrant lease-breaking activities, in case Stiles decided to file a complaint with their landlord. 

Washing vehicles in their parking lot was explicitly against the rules, along with smoking, loud parties after 11 PM, and leaving trash bags in the hallway for people to potentially trip over, rather than dragging them all the way to the dumpsters—which were also located in their parking area.

If pressed, Stiles might admit that he’d broken the latter two rules once or twice. And that there might be an overstuffed trash bag sitting in the hallway at this very moment—deposited there because the smell had started to bug him, but not enough to motivate him to put on shoes and non-pj pants and make the trek downstairs. But that was more like rule-bending. It wasn’t an egregious violation like the unnecessarily thorough car washing that took place every Saturday, like clockwork.

Obviously this guy wasn’t originally from California, or he’d know how important water conservation was, and how much his utterly unacceptable behavior made everyone else in the building grind their teeth. Beacon Hills was in the middle of a fucking drought. And there 302 was, spraying water not only over the car’s sleek black surface, but over himself, too, making his loose shorts cling to his thighs, his already too-tight white tank top plastering against his chest and abs. 

What was the point of even wearing a shirt to begin with if he was just going to get it soaked through every time, leaving the fabric offensively sheer?

“So you want him to take his shirt off for you,” Stiles's supposed best friend Scott said, kicking his feet up on the railing and crunching through a handful of pretzels.

“Shut up!” Stiles hissed. He instinctively tried to duck down in his lounge chair—as if that would accomplish anything—but 302 didn’t seem to have heard the exchange. He was too busy stretching across the hood, his back to them, the fabric of his wet shorts leaving little to Stiles’s admittedly very active imagination.

“You’re drooling,” Scott said. “This is kinda gross. I thought we were gonna be watching cartoons, not this guy’s ass.”

Stiles spluttered indignantly, then, when Scott motioned at his face, wiped away the possibly-drool from his chin. That happened sometimes when he was tired, okay? He hadn’t had enough of his coffee yet this morning. “I’m judging him,” he insisted. He firmly shut his mouth and twisted it into his most convincingly judgmental face.

“Judging whether you can get into his pants,” Scott said. 

“Judging him for...not knowing how to use his hose,” Stiles countered, scrambling for a reasonable comeback.

Scott was, thankfully, silent for a bit. He popped more pretzels into his mouth and chewed while staring at Stiles meaningfully. Eventually, he concluded, “So you wanna teach him how to use his hose.”

302 suddenly swore loudly from down below, and Stiles jerked in his chair, nearly knocking his coffee—and himself—over. Once he’d made sure his mug and limbs were safe, he leaned forward to see what had happened. 

Point proved, really. 302 had somehow sprayed himself right in the face with the hose, which required a special sort of uncoordinated talent that even Stiles didn’t possess. Scott was right; the guy clearly did need some hose-handling lessons. He was dripping wet, his dark hair flattened, leaving it almost as shiny and black as his car. Even from this distance, Stiles could see the water streaming off the sharp cut off his cheekbones.

Despite all that, the idiot hadn’t shut the hose off —he was just standing there, frozen in place, holding it as water arced into the air, the spray catching the sunlight in a miniature, shimmering rainbow.

He looked absolutely pitiful. Stiles almost felt bad for him. At the same time, though: “You remember that fountain by the library?”

Scott nodded. Of course he did. It’d been major drama when they were starting middle school; the local PTA had campaigned to have it torn out, claiming it was “inappropriate” for a public building to house a lifesize reproduction of The Birth of Venus. The sculptor’s argument—that it was a classic work of art that could be found in multiple books within the library itself—eventually toppled under the ire of parents with too much time on their hands.

Stiles had mourned its loss, taking art classes throughout high school with the vague idea of using his inevitable fame to battle similarly misguided attempts at censorship. As it turned out, he had no artistic skill, and he’d gradually found better channels for his righteous indignation. He was wondering now, though, if his bisexual awakening would’ve happened sooner if Venus had been replaced by something like...Eros. Or by a recreation of the tableau currently spread out below him. He would’ve spent a lot of time studying by that fountain during his teenage years.

“I should take the trash out,” he decided abruptly.

Scott moved his legs so Stiles could clamber over him and back into his studio’s compact living room. “So I should just go home, then?” he called after Stiles.

Stiles was too busy pulling on presentable pants, twisting in front of the mirror, then switching to his tighter jeans, to reply. He was cramming his feet into his shoes when Scott came inside.

“You might as well take this,” Scott said, shaking the now-empty bag of pretzels in front of Stiles’s face. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“You don’t have to leave,” Stiles grunted, tying off his shoelaces and grabbing the crinkly bag as he stood. 

“I really think I do,” Scott said. “Good luck. Please don’t text me any details.”

“I’m not going to hit on him,” Stiles grumbled after Scott rudely slammed the door on his way out. He wasn’t. Mostly because his knowledge of 302 boiled down to a few key facts:

     -  Overcompensating (that car, c’mon)      -  Environmentally unfriendly      -  Antisocial (Stiles had never seen him interacting with anyone, and the majority of their neighbors were annoyingly friendly; most of them had shown up, uninvited, to his last after-11 PM party. Which Stiles had definitely not thrown hoping that 302 would be among the attendees. He’d only posted the sign by the mailboxes as a courtesy notice, not an invitation. Technically.)

Perhaps most importantly, according to those same mailboxes, 302 was living with someone named “Laura Hale.” It was the only name listed, and although Stiles had snooped on the various packages that were too big to fit inside, he hadn’t managed to uncover any additional details. He had lurked in the entryway for long enough to see a beautiful dark-haired woman collect one of those boxes, which had smashed the final hope he’d deny he’d been harboring.

Expecting a guy like that to not have an equally hot girlfriend to ferry around in his douchey car? Dream on, Stiles.

He attempted to crumple the pretzel remnants—something he’d been planning to eat himself, thanks a lot Scott—into the trash bag, which only resulted in squeezing out a mess of banana peels and coffee-stained paper towels. Okay, maybe that rule existed for a reason, too. He sighed, wiped his hands off on his jeans, and heaved the bag up, beginning the trudge down to the garbage bins.

Once outside the building, Stiles stepped gingerly over the sudsy water snaking along the pavement, thumped the dumpster lid loudly enough to announce his presence, then oh-so-casually headed over to check on his Jeep, which was parked two spaces away from 302’s current location. Their building had unassigned spots—too few for the number of residents, leaving the rest to park out on the street. That created a headache sometimes, but it’d allowed Stiles—after some careful planning and light bribery—to set up this accidental meeting.

302 glanced at Stiles when he passed by, then fumbled his hose, spraying himself again.

“Wow,” Stiles said, attempting to hop out of the way, grimacing when that movement sent him splashing right into a puddle. “You have a serious problem, dude.”

“Sorry,” 302 said, in a soft voice that Stiles could barely hear over the water’s relentlessly wasteful flow. Now that Stiles was closer to his elusive neighbor, he was able to see the red shading those marble-carved cheekbones; he’d probably been out in the sun for too long, considering himself too manly to reapply sunscreen.

The thought brought back a sudden flash of memory: an afternoon in late summer; a sprinkler hissing in circles as Stiles jumped through the cool, stinging spray; a dark-haired boy laughing, the silver glint of his braces catching the sun as Stiles tried to flick water in his direction, convincing him to join the fun. Stiles’s mom had come outside then, tsking at him in feigned disapproval, then calling them both over for a fresh coating of smelly, sticky sunscreen that Stiles would immediately do his best to wash off.

Scott, Stiles thought, then: No. He hadn’t moved to Beacon Hills yet. That was when Stiles was younger, when his best friend was a quiet boy who’d always said—despite Stiles’s constant attempts to get him into trouble—that the Stilinski household was a lot more peaceful than his. He’d liked Stiles’s mom’s cookies, his dad’s stories about work, and—Stiles liked to think, anyway—Stiles’s magnetic personality.

“Derek,” he said aloud, and 302 jumped.

“What?”

“Sorry, I was just—” Stiles shook his head. Why was he thinking of Derek now? The guy had moved away ages ago. They’d exchanged letters for a few months, then Scott had moved to town, Stiles had started spending a lot more time noticing girls, and the letters had stopped.

302 was still staring at him, his multicolored—mostly green?—eyes wide. Looking at him for too long was making Stiles feel weird, like there was something pressing at the back of his mind that he couldn’t quite grasp.

“You should be wearing sunglasses,” Stiles said stupidly. The bright light reflecting off the pavement was making him squint, and he’d been out there for less than five minutes.

“You’re not,” 302 said.

“My eyes are darker; more melanin means better protection,” Stiles automatically countered—it was an argument he’d often used as a know-it-all kid who didn’t want to stop playing outside—then tried to restrain his wince. He was being obvious. You didn’t start out a totally innocent conversation with a hot stranger by talking about his eye color, for fuck’s sake.

But 302 smiled. He had front teeth that were a little too big for his mouth—something that he might’ve been teased about when he was younger, because he immediately ducked his head and rolled his lips together, pressing them into a line that didn’t hide the equally endearing dimples in his cheeks.

Damn, Stiles thought. The guy was supposed to be kind of a dick. Not...this. Maybe he avoided hanging out with over-friendly neighbors because he was shy? Stiles had to mentally readjust his entire battle plan, which had mostly involved snarky commentary and a few clever innuendoes designed to test whether he really was taken.

“I was gonna ask you to wash my car,” Stiles said, plunging after his first thought, but unable to resist a slight dig. “While you’re wasting all that water.”

“Oh,” 302 said. His smile dimmed; even the curve of the hose seemed dejected suddenly. He released his tight grip on the spray attachment, the noise in the parking lot fading to the hum of bees in the hedge next door and the metallic creak of swings from the playground down the street. “I guess I could. It’s the Jeep, right?”

“Um,” Stiles said. “Yes. How did you know that?”

302 slid his hand down the hose, like he was planning to start rolling it back up, even though there were still suds on the Camaro’s roof. “It looks like your mom’s,” he said. “I remember you always used to say you wanted a car just like it, once you found out ordinary citizens couldn’t get Batmobiles.”

“How the—” Stiles stared at him. This was new. He hadn’t had a stalker before; at least, not that he’d known.

302 met his gaze for a few seconds, then looked away, his mouth twisting—in disappointment, weirdly, if Stiles was reading that expression correctly. “You don’t remember me, do you.”

“Should I?” Stiles asked. Maybe he’d hooked up with the guy and forgotten him, but that seemed incredibly unlikely. He’d remember a jawline like that. And why the hell would they have spent the night talking about Stiles’s childhood? He didn’t get that personal in relationships until...well, he’d always figured he’d start digging into the really gritty stuff at about the year marker, and no one had ever lasted that long.

“I guess not,” 302 said. “It’s been a long time. Laura said you wouldn’t and that I should get over myself and be the first one to say something. I was trying to work up the nerve, but then, just now, when you...”

He trailed off, so Stiles repeated it. “When I what?”

“When you said my name,” 302 said. “I...didn’t imagine that, did I?”

Stiles looked at him again, like he was seeing him for the first time. That’s what he’d thought this encounter was, but...he traced his gaze over the guy’s inky black hair, drying in the sunlight and beginning to wave slightly at the tips; the delicate curves of his ears, which somehow seemed a little smaller than they should be; the unusual color of his eyes.

“Derek,” Stiles said slowly, pulling that memory back to the forefront, the hazy image of his friend overlaying 302’s features. He had to make significant adjustments for puberty and an apparent explosion of late-blooming attractiveness, but: “Hale. Oh my god. Laura’s your sister. The scary older one you never wanted us to hang out with. How did I not make that connection?”

“It’s a common name,” Derek said. “Not like Stilinski. It was a lot easier for me to connect the dots.” 

“Goddamn,” Stiles said. “Good thing my dad talked me out of joining the force. I would’ve been a shitty detective.”

“I doubt that,” Derek said, as generous as he’d been when they were kids. He had so many of the same mannerisms, now that Stiles was paying attention. “I look a little different than I used to.”

Stiles snorted before he could consider whether that was rude. That brought up a sudden, unsettling thought. “Wait, does that mean I don���t?”

As a kid, Stiles had been 80% eyes and mouth, and always a head shorter than the other boys his age. He’d hit his growth spurt late in high school, then shot up to six feet during college, but if his face was still that recognizable...

Derek was shaking his head. “I told you, I saw your name. A few weeks after we moved in.” He hesitated, then added, “But I think I would’ve recognized you anyway. You’ve changed, but there’s something...”

“Yeah,” Stiles said. He felt it, too. He’d first seen Derek about a month ago—or so he’d thought at the time—and had nearly been bowled over by the degree of instantaneous attraction. It wasn’t just the physical part, although that was undeniable. It was the sense that something about Derek felt right. Familiar, almost. He’d thought stupid things, like maybe soulmates weren’t as outlandish as he’d always assumed. Turned out all it’d meant was that some part of his brain was still connected to those old memories of Derek.

He tried not to let the disappointment wash over him. This was cool, too. It’d be fun to reconnect, to revisit the old times, like: he flushed suddenly, another long-forgotten image drifting out of the past. He touched his lips without thinking, remembering the dry press of Derek’s mouth against his, the brilliant green of his eyes as he pulled back, mouth still parted, looking terrified that Stiles would laugh at him.

“I just...wanted to try that. Before...” Derek had said. Then, before Stiles had any time to react or process it, Derek had revealed that his family was leaving town. He was gone the next week.

The red along Derek’s cheekbones was darkening. So he remembered it, too. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to make you think...” He started to turn away, coiling the hose in abrupt, jerky movements, like he was trying to figure out the fastest way to clear out of there. Just like he’d done after the kiss, dashing off, claiming he had to start packing.

“That last letter you wrote me,” Stiles said. Derek stopped, his back to him, shoulders tensed. “I didn’t reply. I’m sorry. I was a stupid kid; I didn’t know what to say.”

“I never knew if you’d stopped talking to me intentionally,” Derek said. “I tried a couple times, and then I figured if you wanted to get in touch again, you would.”

And Stiles never had. At first, it really had been that he was busy; middle school had seemed like the most exciting and terrifying thing in the entire world, and trying to navigate its treacherous waters while keeping Derek updated had proved too difficult to maintain. Then that third unanswered letter—the last one Derek had written—had arrived. Stiles didn't remember much of it. But he could still see its closing line, a shaky scrawl that looked like it'd been added at the last minute.

I’m sorry I made things weird.

The kiss had made Stiles feel weird, in a way he hadn’t been able to articulate. It’d taken a few more years before he’d really understood why, and by then, Derek was a distant memory. By the looks of it, the reverse hadn’t been true.

“I used to wonder why you did it,” Stiles said.

Derek finished putting the hose back, twisted the water off and removed the nozzle, then finally turned back around. “Why I kissed you? Or why I wrote you that stupid letter?” 

Stiles touched his mouth again, watching as Derek’s gaze followed the movement. Things were a lot different now than they were back then. Odd lingering connection or not, they’d both grown into entirely different people. “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t really need an answer to either.”

“So what’s your real question?”

“I liked you back then,” Stiles said. “A lot. I hated that you left me, right when everything started getting really big and confusing. I know you couldn’t help it, but every time I wrote you, it reminded me that you weren’t around anymore.”

Derek’s lips flattened a bit. He nodded, slowly. “So it was easier to let it go.”

“I don’t think it’d ever be easy to let you go,” Stiles said. 

Derek’s mouth parted, his eyes searching Stiles’s.

“My question is,” Stiles said, taking a couple steps forward, then grimacing when that sent his sneaker splashing through one of Derek’s puddles.

“Sorry,” Derek said, but Stiles was already squelching the rest of the way over to him.

“So much for the seductive walk,” he said, close enough now for this to all go horribly wrong.

Derek hesitantly reached out, setting his hands on Stiles’s hips, then tightening his grip when Stiles reacted by leaning closer. “I remember the fountain, too.”

“The—shit, you heard that?”

“You’re pretty loud,” Derek said. “And hard to ignore.”

From most people, that might’ve seemed like an insult. The way Derek was looking at him, though, it felt like one of the nicer compliments Stiles had ever received.

“You weren’t here, though,” Stiles objected. “I remember, because that was the longest letter I wrote you. I think I transcribed half the town hall debate—the part I got to hear before my dad found me and kicked me out.”

“I remember,” Derek repeated, then cleared his throat. “I still have the drawing you sent.”

Stiles paused, his hands halfway up Derek’s chest—thick hair visible through the sheer fabric, as he’d guessed from his earlier vantage point—to his bare shoulders, which he’d been aching to touch for the last hour. The last month, if he was being honest. “Oh, the one of the fountain? God, I can’t believe you kept that. It’s gotta be barely recognizable.” 

“I liked it,” Derek said. “It made me feel like I was there with you.”

It was strange to look into eyes this familiar, belonging to someone Stiles hardly knew anymore. He slipped a finger under the strap of Derek’s still-damp tank top, testing to see if it was as absurdly tight as he’d thought. There really was no point to him wearing this flimsy excuse for a shirt.

“You never asked your question,” Derek said.

“Right,” Stiles said. He had a lot of them, too numerous to delve into now. When Derek decided to move back, had he known Stiles was still around? Why had he returned? Was it for Laura, or was it his decision? And why had he ended up with a wet dream of a car, when he’d always been the practical one in their friendship?

For now, though, only one was pressing enough to ask. “Do you think it’s too late?”

“For what?” Derek asked.

“To try again.”

The first touch of Derek’s lips was hesitant, like it’d been all those years before. It was his answer—but a question, too, begun more than a decade ago.

This time, Stiles knew exactly how to respond.

“Okay,” he said after a while, setting a hand back on Derek’s chest but letting him chase his mouth for a few more lip-tingling moments. “You’ve gotten a lot better at that.”

“I should hope so,” Derek said, with a throaty chuckle that made Stiles feel warm all over.

“We should move out of the parking lot,” Stiles said reluctantly. “I’m not the only one with a balcony. And you should probably do something with your ridiculous car before anyone needs to back out of their spaces.”

“Not my car,” Derek said. He tangled his fingers with Stiles’s, dropping a very distracting kiss onto the tip of his nose.

“Not your—yes it is. You wash it every damn weekend.”

“It’s Laura’s,” Derek said. “I have a Camry. You probably haven’t seen it; Laura makes me park it out on the street so hers doesn’t get scratched.”

Stiles stared at him, processing that information. “Let me guess; she also makes you wash it for her?”

“It’s a trade-off,” Derek said. “She hates handling all the grocery shopping and apartment cleaning when I’m on shift, but she said she’d stop complaining if I spent an hour out here every Saturday. She claimed she was the one doing me a favor, but I haven’t been so sure about that.”

“She might’ve been right,” Stiles said, wondering if everyone in the building—everyone but Derek—had been watching this whole thing unfold. “Wait, what kind of shifts do you work? Are you at the hospital?”

Derek cleared his throat again, looking oddly embarrassed. “No, I uh. I’m at the station. I work with your dad now. He makes a pretty great Sheriff.”

“Deputy Derek Hale,” Stiles said. That part really shouldn’t have come as a surprise; Derek had always been the one hanging off stories from the station. While Stiles snooped around in his dad’s files, dreaming up exciting new criminal-catching methods, Derek had stayed by the then-deputy’s side, asking boring questions about procedure and policy. “For fuck’s sake. I can’t believe my dad didn’t tell me you were back.”

Derek’s cheekbones took on that pink tint again. “He said he, uh. Doesn’t like getting involved in your romantic life anymore. But that if we ever did figure things out, he wanted us to both come over for dinner.”

“Well,” Stiles said. “Then I guess we should get back to figuring things out.”

It took 207’s extended, irritable honking to finally move them out of the parking lot. Stiles was the one who ended up with a sunburn, as it turned out. But he didn’t mind that much, not when it came with Derek in his apartment, smoothing aloe vera onto the back of his neck, and then playfully kissing his nose again before smearing the gel along his lips’ path.

The next Saturday morning, the parking lot was quiet and still. Stiles was out on his balcony, a mug of coffee in one hand, the other resting lightly on Derek’s knee.

“Derek, look,” he hissed, nodding at the silver SUV that 401 was attempting to very quietly unlock. Rookie move; should’ve parked on the street if she didn’t want to be seen. “I bet you anything she’s sneaking off to the casino again before her husband wakes up.”

Derek didn't lift his eyes from the thick book he was reading—some boring examination of the history of European conflicts, last Stiles had checked. He hummed in the back of his throat, though, then rested his hand on top of Stiles’s to show he was listening. 

Once 401 was safely on her way, revving the engine triumphantly as soon as she'd made it halfway down the block, Stiles drained the rest of his coffee. “Alright, I'm gonna take a shower.”

“Okay,” Derek said. He moved his hand and flipped a page of his book, still frowning in concentration at the dense, tiny text.

“You should join me,” Stiles said. “In fact, I think we should make that a habit for a while. It's about time you started making some serious strides in water conservation.”

“Honestly, Stiles,” Derek sighed.

But he set the book down.

[gay-doodlebug-with-adhd916]

super long post about RSD, idk

Y’all....

RSD is seriously so weird because I could be like a full, almost adult seventeen year old who understands why people critique her and everything and wants people to be honest and give her their real opinion about her because she wants to improve as a person, and she’ll still feel like, super sad and have nightmares about the things people have said about her for statements she literally agrees with and understands. Like, the worst thing is when you ask someone to be honest with you because you want to be a better [friend, sibling, lover, so on] and they’ll respond saying something like “no, I’m not going to be honest with you because last time you got offended and I actually bothered you and I’m not going to do that because you can’t handle confrontation” and I’m like, first off, that was my RSD talking and I promise you, I won’t change, like no matter how much I try to improve myself my RSD will be this like, perpetual skin-thinner, and second off, I genuinely don’t want you to worry about how you make me feel. My RSD is not your problem and if you feel bad for “making me” (my RSD making me) feel bad, then I promise you I’ll feel worse. 

Yes, I will feel bad if you confront me. I will. That won’t change, I’ll feel bad and take it too much to heart. So what? That’s not your problem, and I’m giving you permission to not feel bad, even if I feel bad, when you confront me. The entire situation would be so much worse if you were to never tell me what things I do that bother you or disrupt my environment or make people feel uncomfortable and I have to figure it out on my own twenty years too late and just decide it’s better for me to like, never interact with human society ever again.

Like, if I say something odd that comes off as passive aggressive and it keeps hanging on to your mind and bothering you? Talk to me about it! I struggle with social skills more than people initially know and a lot of the time when I’m genuinely just trying to be kind to people around me and honest in the way that I feel like the people around me are being nice to each other, I come off as superficial or passive aggressive because I’m trying too hard to be like people around me. But I know for a fact that my idea of being nice to people doesn’t at all come off as nice to anyone around me who’s neurotypical and I’ve learned that in general the best way to function in society and positively interact with it is to do the things that other people do to be nice to each other. And gosh, I really need critiquing. Like, constantly. I don’t need people following social norms for the sake of me, following social norms feels like speaking a foreign language and if someone knows how to speak in something that feels like much more of a lingua franca for people who are ND, they can feel free to speak in that instead when talking to me because it’s already so exhausting as is to try and speak in the NTs language, it’s a whole different ball game when having to interpret it as well.

Will I take things too much to heart? Oh heck yes, you bet your bottom dollar I will. But here’s a secret: I take like literally everything too much to heart! Everything! Someone could talk about how they think that Winnie the Pooh should’ve never been made and I could figure out a way to ingrain that in my brain for literally no reason at all, and my heartrate would literally increase for no reason at all because aw, Eeyore’s already sad and that statement probably made him sadder :(

You know what I mean? My RSD’s got me effed up, like, 98% of the time. I’m probably not actually offended by most things that I am told, but I still might react in a strong, emotional way, completely involuntary, because RSD and emotional dysregulation is quirky like that.

For example, I wrote a rough draft essay for my college English class that I literally know was trash because I ran out of room and felt too anxious to take anything out because what if it messed up the flow of the essay so I literally didn’t even write a conclusion, my grammar was trash, I didn’t bring up all the topics that I mentioned in my thesis, and by the end of the rough draft the message was so muddled and unclear that even I was confused by it when I re-read it. I turned the rough draft in that way because I was like “hey it’s a rough draft, rough drafts are messy, and then we fix them!” and of course, the critique I got back from my professor was very, very long and began by talking relatively about how the only reason I got 100% on my rough draft was because I turned it in on time, and if I turned it in like that for the final assignment my grade would have been a very different story. I knew that. I felt like I was scrolling for an eternity reading all of the critiques that she wrote for my rough draft, and I felt like I could hear her saying them and I could hear the disappointment in her voice. By the end of reading her critique I felt like trash, my face was bright red because I was so embarrassed and my heart rate was up, I felt all squirmy and uncomfortable and like I needed to breathe for quite a little while to process what I was feeling. Does that mean I didn’t want her critique? No! Does that mean I didn’t agree with what she said or didn’t understand that this was a rough draft and it’s important to get all the critique you can get before you revise and edit and turn in the final paper? Not at all! I’ve had teachers in the past who have acted soft on me, not made me fix what I did wrong as much as they made the other students do so, talked softly to me and muddled what they said to the point where I didn’t even understand what their purpose was or what they were trying to tell me, and I absolutely hated that. It made me feel babied. And I appreciated this, even though it made me feel super crappy, because my professor trusted that I would use her critique accordingly and apply it to my paper to do better and hopefully get an okay grade, that regardless of whether or not I dealt with RSD, regardless of whether or not I took her words to heart, I would still use what she said and apply her critique to my paper to improve it and remove some of the issues. I felt like trash reading her critique, I felt my emotions getting out of hand and I felt embarrassed that I felt that way. But I was also able to logically look at the critique and think, “hey, I really needed this, I could really use this”, while I emotionally felt all out of whack. I recognized that I didn’t love that she included some of my writing styles that I use in rough drafts that I learned from my grade 10 English teacher as part of the things that I did wrong in her critique, but I also recognized that she didn’t know that about me yet and I was able change my mindset from “I am angry and sad and feel misunderstood” to “My RSD is causing me to feel angry and sad and misunderstood as a reaction to a logical critique that I need to use for future reference”. And in the process I was able to practice that mindset-changing, and learning to better acknowledge my RSD as something that likes to react on its own and affect me and separate my logical brain’s reactions from that.

So please, be honest with me. I will absolutely feel sad and upset about it. But I need honest people, I need people willing to critique me and not handle me softly just because I react like I can’t handle being handled otherwise. My RSD is, quite frankly, a b*tch, and it always will be. I’m embarrassed to have it and I’m embarrassed by the way it makes me emotionally react to things. I hate how it makes me get a shaky, crying-sounding voice when I thank you for being honest with me and telling me how you truly feel. No, you didn’t make a bad choice by deciding to be honest with me, you trusted me with your confrontation and I am eternally grateful for that. Now I can apply myself a little bit better than before. My RSD will make you think that I didn’t appreciate your confrontation and that I was seriously offended, and maybe my feelings were hurt, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate what you did. My RSD is a constant battle that I have to deal with alone, and the crap I do that bothers people should not be something that anyone else has to deal with alone. Please tell me how to better myself, and I will better myself.