#im NEW AT BELONGING TO A COMMUNITY IN GENERAL

[heleeanthea]

There is only one thing that I feel having watched last episode and it's disappointment. Not even sadness, not even anger, im just disappointed.

Izzy Hands deserved better.

We all, as the audience, deserved better.

You know, when the first season came out I was one of those people who really did not like Izzy at all. I almost couldn't believe that his fans even existed. Then, before second season I thought, well, Im sure that they will give him a redemption arc but Im going to hate him anyway as there is nothing that can redeem him in my eyes. I was so very sure of it.

Wrong, I was wrong. I admit it.

I loved his arc in second season, I loved every second of it. Truly. It has done what seemed utterly improbable to me - made me Izzy Hand's nr. 1 fan. It was just such a great piece of writing. From his initial first disobedience towards Blackbeard and then his finding himself and his worth outside of Blackbeard. His singing (he's great), doing drag (so beautiful), helping Stede, being a friend to him, helping Lucius, finding a family within the crew and finally, finally achieving what - as he said himself - piracy is about: belonging. He found his place, became the new unicorn. He begun to accept himself, to finally let go of all that bitterness that he had inside him in the first season. He allowed himself to be true to himself, to show his more vulnerable parts to the world. He was starting to feel better.

And then they killed him. And what makes it even worse, they did it in such a stupid, useless and anticlimactic way.

You see, Im generally against killing Izzy. I find it to be an utterly disappointing conclusion of his arc. The guy changed so much for the better during this season, becoming a better person as well as becoming more mentally stable and I believe that his arc deserved to have a much brighter and more optimistic conclusion. Where is a scene where he becomes a captain on The Revenge and finally is at peace? Free from Blackbeard, with his found family next to him?

Where is a promise to all lost, young, queer people that thing will get better even though now you may feel no hope?

We didn't get it. What we got was a rushed sequence that was directed more toward serving Ed's arc than Izzy's.

Why did he get shot? No reason, it was just random; it wasn't in a fight, it wasn't the unicorn protecting someone from his crew (which would make his death slightly less bad). The sole reason of him getting shot was to kill him off.

Was it needed for his arc? Well, it could have been done better and make more sense, yes. But wouldn't it make a more satisfying ending to give poor guy some happiness? When the whole season was focused on him earning it and allowing himself to feel it? It would turn out much better to acknowledge his growth and give him space to grow even more.

I don't even feel like Izzy's death was necessary for Ed's growth; not when both their arcs focused on finding themselves outside of constituting Blackbeard.

That's why I hate how Izzy's actual death moment is played out. The scene isn't about Izzy, it's about Ed. It's so focused on him that it almost hurts. Why is Ed the only one who's close to Izzy? Why is the crew so far away? Izzy loved them, they loved him, why don't they come closer and show it, he deserved it. And even Izzy's words, they are so focused on him telling Ed thing's that he needs to hear to grow further but... he doesn't need to hear it from him? It doesn't have to be Izzy who tells him that the crew loves him (which, arguably, is not really true as they are still wary of him after all that happened in the beggining of the season??), especially not when it's the last chance for Izzy to be told that he is loved, he is a part of the community, to be forgiven and apologised to.

And then they get over him so so fast? Just seconds after the funeral Stede is standing there and... trying to boast what great piece of pirat he is? Trying to make Zheng compliment him?

Also, why shoot him in his left side, missing all the important bits, and then have him die anyway?

[drdemonprince]

howms’t does one approach cruising while trans?? i’m deeply intrigued by what i’ve seen when people ask about your sauna experiences and whatnot, and wonder if you wouldn’t mind taking a deeper dive into the basics (or link a post if this is something you’ve already discussed) but im really curious about things like how safe it is, how safe you personally Feel when doing it, success rate, managing expectations, and so on

I've posted about it before, but I know tumblr search is bad so I'm happy to reshare the info:

Cruising spots operate primarily on nonverbal communication, but it's so overt that even an empathy free Autistic like me can pick up on it.

Basically, if someone looks at you and holds their gaze for a while after you look back, they are trying to smash. To convey you are also interested, continue to stare back. Then either you or the other person can approach.

Light touching on the arm / ass / back /leg also signal interest. After someone engages with you in any of these ways, you can turn toward them and start touching them. If you want, you can then ask them about whatever it is you want to do: ask if they have a condom / if they want a blowjob / if they want to go find a quiet corner to head off to / whatever.

Or you can just initiate. Don't be afraid to touch people who have conveyed interest. You can say no or move someone's hand away at any time, or suggest an alternate activity, and they will do the same to you. Feel free to walk away at any time. Guys will also just up and walk away from you if they suddenly aren't feeling it. Don't get too in your head about it. That's just them exercising consent.

Alternatively, you can position your body in a way that is an open invitation: say, by draping yourself over a piece of furniture or in a sex swing/whatever's there, holes available, maybe some condoms laid next to you. I like to get a room and lay down ass up with condoms by my ass and mouth with a blindfold on and the door open.

Generally speaking if a person is lying ass up, they're looking to bottom, and if they are lying dick up or standing in one spot jerking off, they are looking to top.

You don't have much to worry about as a trans guy in gay saunas like Steamworks, or most other cruising spaces. Trans guys being there is not a big deal and is normal. I went many times long before I "passed", including with my tits out. It's not a big deal. Act like you being there is blase and that you're mildly bored and have done this a million times and nobody will care. (this is also a great tip for those new to using men's bathrooms btw. just act a little bored and aloof).

If you want to bring a buddy your first time, do it. It's normal to have nerves. You can just go with the intent of watching and not doing anything the first time. You never have to do anything you don't want to, but you very much belong there and some people will be interested, and the spa owners / bar owners will be used to the fact that trans guys go there. There may even be trans specific nights, but regardless you are welcome on any day.

Have fun!

[shai-manahan]

hello!!! how are you? :) i was wondering if maybe you could teach me how to make diverse characters? like fr i try so hard to make characters from diverse background but always end up with the same old american or british character when there are so many nationalities to be covered!! if i could learn even a fraction of your greatness i'd be grateful to you for life 😗👉👈

p.s. the last time i attempted to make a nepali character i was almost stoned to death so im terrified of creating new characters incase i offend someone accidentally... ehe

It’s not really something I can teach. I can only offer my opinions, and I am certain that other writers of color will not feel the same way in some regards, so please understand that while I made a long post about this, you shouldn’t use this as the only guide you’ll use for writing. This is not a list of everything you need to know. I can see you’re being genuine about it, but there’s a whole lot of extensive research you’ll have to do based on what you’ve said in this ask.

First of all, I think it would be a better idea for you to take a moment and assess why your readers hated the way your Nepali character has been portrayed. Because I’m going to be honest with you; even minority authors are terrified of writing characters that have a similar heritage with them -- perhaps on an even larger extent compared to when white authors write characters of color -- and that fear never really goes away. We also make mistakes. We sometimes make writing decisions that are seen as bad by the people belonging to our communities. But we do try to learn from them, and that’s what matters the most.

So your first step should be to look back, trace your logic, figure out what went wrong and what you can do to prevent it from happening again, and only when that happens can you attempt to write characters that come from varying origins. 

I know it’s easier to avoid all that effort and make it so that every character in your story comes from one or two backgrounds only, but using that reason, wherein an author refuses to write characters of color because they can’t be bothered to research other people’s experiences... it’s honestly a lazy decision that will make your readers of color to feel excluded. 

But of course, writing a harmful representation of minorities is just as bad, if not worse. I am by no means an expert, but I do have some general tips you can perhaps start with. 

1. Research

I know this is already a given, but I cannot tell you how many writers tend to skip this stage. Make sure that your sources are reliable, preferably written or made by people who come from that culture themself, and gather every single bit of information you can while keeping in mind that not everything you see in a single google search would be accurate. Look at the associated stereotypes, study their culture, read memoirs, articles, studies, etc., and start building a backstory for your characters.

2. Get sensitivity readers

This is very important. If you know people who would be willing to give their feedback for free, then good for you. But take note that whether or not you paid for their services, there is a possibility that there could be some bias existing, so please, if you can, get multiple sensitivity readers. One person’s opinion should not be your sole source of information. People who belong to minorities are not a monolith, after all. 

Also! Please, please never accuse anyone of racefaking. There is no excuse to this. Just because a person doesn’t agree with you, no one has the right to accuse anyone of that. I have seen some authors do this... and it’s highly disturbing. (and no, it doesn’t matter if you’re getting the rudest anons on your blog. it’s blatantly racist)

Just keep an open mind about everything you might hear, because some of them will be uncomfortable to your ears and might even seem harsh through your perspective. It won’t even be surprising if some of your testers simply walk away after an argument or two, as it can seriously be tiring to have to explain to an author what they have done wrong -- much more if the author never took an effort to listen -- but like with everything else, you can learn from your mistakes.

3. Writing characters of color should not be a mere part of a checklist

Look, this needs to be said. A mere mention of your character’s nationality is never enough for a representation. I’m including this because I am seeing countless stories where the supposedly ethnically diverse characters aren’t really... diverse. Regardless of their viewpoints towards their heritage, people’s ethnicities do affect the way they live in some ways (as well as their gender, education, sexuality, religion, and social status) and some authors seem to forget that. 

I hate seeing writing advice being phrased like -- “it doesn’t matter where they’re from! just write them as you would any other character!” -- because while there are some points to consider there, people coming from vastly different cultures would be shaped by those cultures no matter what, albeit in different ways.

As such, even things like answering asks on your blog and describing their favorite things aren’t enough to say that you're properly representing them. If you as an author can't manage to include how the character's identity affects them within the narrative of the game, then what is it all for?

Be careful about distancing your character from their culture too much as well. Unless you have another character with the same heritage that balances that out, this is almost like you’re erasing the identity they had to live with. You are not being diverse by doing this; you are simply stripping away the very thing that has molded your character’s life; and it is such a huge disrespect to the people who have been wanting so long to finally see their identities be represented properly for once. You’re refusing to do the work that should have come with using that background. You are stealing it.

If you want to show that you respect the ethnicities from which your characters come, then make efforts to represent who they really are, not just the portions of their habits that you find interesting enough to parade around.

And I will be brutally honest here. If you can replace a minority character's ethnicity in your head while reading the story and everything remains the same, then I have to say the author has failed. Of course, this will only be assessed when the story’s over, because character developments happen. But they do have to happen.

4. Keep reading works made by people from those backgrounds (and support them if you can)

I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on that. Most of the time, it’s a great way to see the relevant issues the writer themself faces daily within their community, and reading their works might provide you some understanding. And yes, my work does reflect mine to some extent.

Some more points to consider:

Avoid tokenizing your characters.  

Don’t expect praise for the diversity you’ll be including, no matter how detailed they will be.

There are simply some cultures you absolutely cannot touch -- those wherein research and even getting help from others would not be enough. When that happens, back off respectfully. I have an Agta background (some call it Aeta) and I am seriously scared of seeing our heritage in a white author’s work, because there’s too many misconceptions even in actual published books to the point that it’s improbable to represent it well unless you have someone who directly comes from that ethnicity.

Research more into cultural appropriation and fetishization, then learn how to avoid them.

Consider your character’s interactions with those who are not part of the minority. There are huge stereotypes here that might be difficult for some to avoid.

If you have to, you can use tropes and stereotypes for the sole purpose of deconstructing them. But I do not advise you to do this unless you have a good grasp of the implications behind them. I use this with some of the ROs in Hollowed Minds, and I can attest that you have to be very careful.

Be mindful of the privilege and prejudices you have as you write.

There is no one perfect way of representing minorities, and characters should also be portrayed as individuals.

Things you might want to avoid when writing BIPOC unless you are one:

Racism

Slavery/Human trafficking 

Colonization

Excessive violence towards that particular group

Segregation systems

Tragedy exploitation in general

I hope this helps a little. I can share some insights as to how I prepared creating my characters in Hollowed Minds, especially with Alonzo and Jade, but you would have to ask more specific questions. I’ve spent a lot of time on figuring out their identities, and there’s so much I want to share that I can’t include here (the post is long enough).

For some parting words, let me just say this. Be prepared to do a lot of revisions. There will be inaccuracies in your writing, and there will be mistakes. No one expects you as an author to be 100% accurate on your first attempt, but do your part, learn to accept valid criticism, and your readers will be a lot more forgiving. After all, while you have the right to include what you want to write, it would be wise to remember some of these have responsibilities attached. Good luck on your writing!

[cere-mon-ials]

2022 in kdramas

*that I finished

I spent my January nursing all that The Red Sleeve broke (my heart), nourishing what it gave me (provocation to write, notes here), cursing what it did for my overall k-drama viewing expectations. I am still mad that Lee Se-young wasn’t recognised for what she did in TRS, a show that belongs to Deok-im and her alone. I had finished Good Manager a day before, a long-winded bromance between Namkoong Min and Lee Jun-ho. I didn’t think much and truth be told, I don’t remember much either. Happiness fell flat after three episodes; stayed for the remaining episodes because of the excellent chemistry between the main characters. I evidently watched Coffee Prince many years too late but I saw every reason why I might have never finished school if I had seen it earlier.

Run On kept me thrilled on occasion, became white noise otherwise. I loved seeing my two joys, running and translation, woven into the show, loved the miracle of found friendships and homes, and a defiant writing philosophy that healthy relationships are worthy of being probed. Despite how unbearable Our Beloved Summer was about Ji-woong’s unrequited love, I could see the good-naturedness of the story writer-nim was trying to tell. I loved watching why the two leads fell apart and what brought them together. I loved that this had something to do with communication but I loved even more, that it just had to do with having grown up and realising you can love something you’re not and that’s one way to experience life. Kairos is the most underappreciated show that tackles time-travel. Great writing with exceptional attention to detail.

February was spent with the duology of the Ahn Pan-seok—Kim Eun—Jung Hae-in universe, the k-drama equivalent of Austenian bliss. Both shows benefit from Kim Eun’s thesis that romance may be intimate but love, in a patriarchy, demands a public that must accept it. Ahn Pan-seok is the finest orchestrator of moments that feel like the time lapse that falling in love is, that thing that people often reduce to soulmatism or violins at first glance. In One Spring Night, it works. In Something in the Rain, it fails because Kim Eun was still finding her voice as a writer who is stumped by what makes for the ‘right’ kind of conflicts in a 16-episode arc. I don’t think that’s the only problem with SITR but it’s the one she solved with marvelous elegance in OSN. In both shows, the main leads are charmingly, refreshingly communicative with each other. But it is in OSN, where Kim Eun figures out that being vulnerable is not the same as talking about vulnerable things, and how to make it count for all relationships that matter. Son Ye-jin and Han Ji-min, I love you both equally.

In March, I began paying an honorarium to the guard of my Jang Hyuk horny jail. Deep-rooted Tree made me cry in at least 14/24 episodes. A Joseon murder mystery wrapped in a drama about accessible language as the beginning to breaking down class barriers and nation-building, with nerdy love for character interiority? I ate that up. Han Seok-kyu is the only reel King Sejong ever. Just like Jang Hyuk is the only reel Bang Won ever. My Country: The New Age is a shallow show with hilarously lofty dialogues and masterful action sequences. In my most generous reading, MCTNA attempted to ask if Bang Won’s modernity could have come at a lesser price; is modernity not equivalent to audacity? Woo Do-hwan is almost as good at portraying audacity as Jang Hyuk.

Having Park Eun-bin and Kim Min-jae play Brahms in a riveting duet is exactly what Do You Like Brahms? set out to do. Introverts are rarely done well on the screen and getting it right with not one, but two leads is an achievement too. If you are a person fuelled by that mystical "passion," the creative arts industry can be a cruel place. Chae Song-ah is, by all accounts, not as talented as the others around her, and this is not a story of stick-with-it-till-you-rise-from-the-ashes. Even the hope that it might be is wonderful writing because Song-ah is far more assertive than anybody gives her credit for, like a baby who holds onto your finger with shocking strength. In classical music especially, there is no such thing: you are good or you are out. Park Joon-young is great and yet, he is begging for an out, because being good is just the beginning. These two and the other characters are deeply in love with music and they want to protect that love. They all find out that in the end that love needs sustenance, not protection.

I binged Fated to Love You in April, in a private experiment to see how much Jang Hyuk brainrot I can take. (Let’s remember this is a summary of the shows I finished.) I came out of it with brainrot for one more Jang. Outrageous show, outrageous star power. Soundtrack No. 1 was a forgettable experience save for the fact that I am now a person who looks up Park Hyung-sik’s MDL page on the reg. I think everybody is right about Twenty-Five Twenty-One: (a) Baek Ye-jin and Na Hee-do were always going to break up (b) It was a terribly-conceived finale. Two other opinions I am going to leave here: (c) Ji Seung-wan, darling of my heart, should have been the lead for the show that writer-nim actually wanted to do. (d) More people would see this, and also may have responded with thoughts beyond ship discourse, if Na Hee-do was played by anyone other than Kim Tae-ri.

I think people were right about criticising Lee Soo-yeon’s Grid too. The science of time-travel took some leniency. I get why the finale would have been unsatisfying, even as a setup for a potential second season. But I offer that the thesis of LSY’s shows is never in how they end, because they are not moral science lessons for the future. Grid’s deeply introspective themes of time-travel and the greater good begins with the the sun, the most reliable force in a human's life, turning against mankind. This immediately takes away a human as ultimate antagonist, when it easily could have been. For LSY, the future is the darkest place with unknowable power and we have the task of paving a path of light towards it. Time-travel is not the science-fiction component with which to imagine our behaviour in an unrecognisable, but possible, place. It’s the fucking fantasy. Even if we got the chance to change the past, we really couldn't. The future is what we have got to change and the present to make the first move. Those dreams of going back, repenting hard enough, flirting with what ifs? Not going to cut it. LSY's meta elegance is in bringing the intensely personal version of this theme in parallel to the big one: divorce. FWIW, she had all these threads tie together by Episode 7. I get why she said Grid is the next iteration of her life's work—an exceptional mind.

Park Min-young could have chemistry with a rock, and thank god, Seo Kang-joon isn’t one. When The Weather Is Fine is the rightest show about life in the countryside. It nails the fine line of a tight-knit community that shows up for you and also, how easily they can be the first source of judgement, as people who know your secrets. Best book club in a k-drama. Very well done pining. Imo is my favourite character and she should publish that novel because “Hey. Who do you think killed my brother-in-law?” is a banger opening line. I first saw Lee Jae-wook in this show.

During the weekends of April and May, there was My Liberation Notes. I watched it like a scheduled therapy session, although I do not think Park Hae-young is aiming for catharsis with her works (despite it seeming like the most common outcome). I didn’t have the word “healing” in my everyday vocabulary so often before k-dramas. It’s a genre of k-drama that is meant to be comforting, to inject slowness into everyday life as an antidote for the ills of modern society. Bullshit. There are multiple wide shots of the Yeom family tending their farms, eating in peace amid the greenery, and they are claustrophobic. It might feel like complaints, and you’re free to think that. But PHY knows, as most people my generation do, finding an escape is actually really easy. That’s not the point. The point is to be less sad about being who you are; to know that who you are is enough to make a living, find love if you want it, make peace with your family. This show is about siblings as the real loves of your lives.

I don’t remember what I was doing in June.

Pachinko is not a k-drama strictly speaking, but let’s do it. I adore Min Jin Lee and I am afraid to admit how emotionally attached I am to the world of Kogonada’s eyes. In MJL's book, the linear structure is meant to make you feel like the history of a family can also be a history of the other themes that consume intellectual space. In the show, there is no such thing as a past, or a history. Nothing is done, nothing is over and under the rug. You see Sun-ja’s and Solomon’s stories at the same time because there's no distance that makes what happened then far enough from what's happening now. For this alone, Pachinko is a superior adaptation. I have a shrine for every woman in this show. Watching Yumi’s Cells 2 has been among the happiest experiences of my TV viewing life. Bloody Heart could have been bloodier. I respected that it reached a conclusion without feeling the need to give a neat answer to its central question of assertive power as driver of both unity and chaos—there’s humility in realising that the answer need not be determined in one generation. Jang Hyuk thirst got me into the show, Kang Hanna’s outstanding face and smarts kept me there. Lee Joon’s Lee Tae nearly made me quit. Park Ji-yeon, muah. I watched the back half of Signal in July. It is no fault of the show that I was zapped out of will to see women being killed. There were two scenes of Kim Hye-soo’s that wrecked me bad, I had to quit watching for couple of days. Thank you to the makers for giving a genre-defining template. (Kairos did do it better.)

Alchemy of Souls was super fun as a weekly watch. Daeho is boring to me as a setting and the plot ventures into territories worthy of critical thought once in a blue moon. But I admire the ambition, and the storytelling does have its moments. Lee Jae-wook is a menace. Inhaled Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung over four days; I enjoyed it. Extraordinary Attorney Woo tried. I also binged Reply 1997. Reply 1988 is always going to be my favourite and I am not going to watch R1994 for a conclusive test of veracity.

Between these shows, their endearing efforts at being fulfilling shows about love of different kinds, I nibbled on episodes of My Mister. I couldn’t watch two episodes together; it was so potent, so unbelievably demanding of my attention in every way imaginable, and I gave it willingly. I wrote about the show here.

October brought the best mystery/thriller show of the year: May It Please The Court. It was written with a clear idea of how much to bite, knew how to chew on it, and that’s why it also landed the best conclusion of the year. The show is astute about forgiveness and justice, and well, forgiveness in justice. I think the show’s success is in how it trusted both its characters and the audience to process what this means to them. Jung Ryeo-won and Lee Kyu-hyung have impeccable married energy from first scene. Lee Sang-hee is the best, the hottest, the finest.

Little Women is the mystery/thriller show with the most potential of the year. It wasn’t until episode 11 that the show lost me but I do think the flaws began revealing themselves a lot earlier. I didn’t appreciate the show’s insistence that the central crime of the show was Sang-ah’s murders and not the patriarchal cult that pretends to be a meritocracy. I thought the Vietnam War references were in conversation for a whole different reason: I viewed it as a nod to the first war where losing means more than winning. That war is the blueprint for the 21st century exertion of control for the right to capital and target audience, rather than mere territory and pride. But this symbolism wasn’t what came through and I understand those who pushed back on how the war's references, along with an exotic flower, rang hollow. LW did get characterisation right, particularly the way poverty alters how intelligence is perceived and valued. It’s ambitious premise—that Louisa May Alcott was wrong in deciding these sisters would taper their poverty with unusual politeness—is radical.

I will rewatch the first 11 episodes of May I Help You in several trying days of my future. Baek Dong-joo and Kim Tae-hee, butlers to the dead and the alive respectively, are companions, friends and lovers, in that order. What's not to love? The acts asked of them are rarely grand but they are delivered with emotional heft. I forgive all the detours taken from episode 12. I tend to find it dull when everybody and everything is connected to each other. In this one's ending, it's quite lovely. I see the vision in saying that we only know Dong-joo’s story because that’s the story we have tuned into. The miracles could be happening to anyone at all. I wish writer-nim wasn’t so Christian throughout—the throwaway line about suicide put me off. Best piggy-backing scenes in a rom-com and also, favourite kiss, I am going to say.

[magioffire]

cant believe we are still having debates about whether or not nonbinary people are trans and if we belong in the trans community at all....

listen guys im gonna make this REAL simple

transgender = when you do not identify as the gender you were assigned at birth cisgender = when you do identify as the gender you were assigned at birth

as far as i know, people generally are not assigned ‘nonbinary’ or ‘genderfluid’ or ‘agender’ or literally anything besides ‘male’ or ‘female’ at birth.  therefore all nonbinary identities are by default under the trans umbrella

people need to stop  mudding the waters, gatekeepng shit, and complicating stuff that doesnt need to be complicated it by creating all this discourse. pls stop complicating the definitions of transgender and nonbinary by claiming suddenly its *only* binary and/or full transitioning trans people who are the *real* trans people, and everyone else is a poser whom is....trying to get popular and positve attention by....identifying as one of the most misunderstood, marginalized, targeted minority group in the world??? yeah im sure everyone would just love to jump on the trans band wagon for funsies and shits and giggles in a world where people want to fucking KILL US.

 not only have concepts of androgyny and gender-noncomformity been around since humans had gender roles to subvert, but modern terms for nonbinary identities (lke genderqueer and genderfluid) are also a lot older than the 2010s. we’ve been here with the lgbt community since the beginning. we aint new. its like asking “do the people with gender fuckery belong in the gender fuckery club????” (spoiler, they do)

remember kids: throwing some of the most vulnerable, mischaracterized, least accepted members of your already marginalized community under the bus may get you brownie points in the short term with the party of leopards eating bad!!! evi!!! groomer!! trans people’ s faces, but once all the so called ‘degenerate’ trans people, gender-nonconforming cis people, and questioning people either have their faces eaten off or have to go so far back the closet just to avoid getting their faces eaten off, the party of leopards eating (actually every single) trans people’s faces will turn and eat your face too.

[batboyblog]

hi, i'm the anon who told the story of finding out im jewish only recently when an aunt came to visit and told us of how her mother (my grandma's sister) and her siblings came from poland fleeing the nazis because they were jewish. thank you so much for your reply. i kind of cried. learning about this was an Experience for me. It seems my grandma and her siblings didn't exactly want to hide being jewish, but didn't tell anyone. they didn't assimilate into christianity and didn't raise their children as religious. we didn't celebrate any christian holidays, observe any customs, but also didn't practice any jewish ones (obviously). since learning about it, my aunts and mother talked to my grandmother and asked for her story. she fled when she was about 10 around 1940 in an unlabeled merchant ship with a few other family's, only they didn't come with their parents. they dropped all their practices and grandma only broke their pretense to observe shiva when their brother passed away, and now for her sister. my grandma is a very old woman and no one wanted to upset her further, i mean she's already lost both her siblings and her only family from before her marriage, so the whole thing's been dropped by now. our aunt says their older brother actually became a practicing Jew once he moved to the big city and had a few photos of them as kids in Poland that he gave to his oldest son that she can show us, but apart from that there's no connection. It's strange, I've never been antisemitic but it feels kind of prejudiced of me to have mixed feelings on this. It feels like we got all the bad parts of generational trauma and missing stories and none of the good parts like community and a feeling of belonging. Though that does also mean we were never the victims of hate, so for that we should be grateful. It hit my mom much harder though. She's named after my grandma's sister (which is apparently a Jewish custom, to name your children after past family members? all of us are named this way. i didnt know this). I feel reluctant identifying as Jewish, I don't even know if by Jewish law I would be classified as such. Anyways.

i know this is a bit heavy, so don't feel preassured at all into replying. I just wanted to say this whole thing took place since early december of last year and your reply has kind of caught me vulnerable. thank you for your kind words. sincerely

first off thanks for writing back, it was very interesting and people so rarely ever follow up with anything these days.

One I'd like to say I'm touched by how your grandmother and her siblings stayed close over the years and you are connected to their families still. I can imagine 3 little kids from Poland in a ship with only each other, the horrible heart breaking choice their parents had to make to save them. So so many Jewish parents couldn't bare to part with their children... your great-grandparents made the hardest choice imaginable, your grandma was an incredibly brave little girl and it worked, it worked

I certainly understand feeling conflicted about it all, I can only imagine getting news that realigns your view of the world, yourself, your family, world history, and who you are. You wouldn't be human if that didn't leave you with a lot of mixed feelings and I can't tell you what to do with it.

Yes it is Jewish tradition to name children after dead loved ones, my nephew is named for my grandfather who passed a week after he was born. I'm not a Rabbi, or an expert in Jewish law, but by my understanding your mother is almost certainly Jewish since your grandmother is and you likely are as well. I've been assuming you live in America but that might not be the case, here Reform Judaism is the largest movement and tends to be pretty open about "who is a Jew" else where the Orthodox movement is most often the majority and they tend to be more strict but again I strongly think you both would be Jews.

Any ways I keep thinking of one of my favorite monologues, from Angels in America

"You can never make that crossing that she made, for such Great Voyages in this world do not anymore exist. But every day of your lives the miles that voyage between that place and this one you cross. Every day. You understand me? In you that journey is."

whatever you do with this, it is with you, every day that crossing in a boat is a little girl from Poland, that journey that she made is in your soul.

I can't tell you what to do with that, and I think it goes against the grain of my religion to tell you what to do with that. I will say there are times when the candles are lit and I look into them and I say the words I can see eternity, being chosen is not easy the path is hard, and I'm ALWAYS learning more and I will till the day I die, but I wouldn't trade it.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a super disorganized and emotional way is, a door has opened in your life, whatever you do you'll never see your grandmother the same way again, and you'll carry that story with you always. The question is do you want to know more? I think it's clear I hope you do and one day your kitchen might fill with the smells of baking challah the way your great-grandparents in Poland might have done before the war. But I can't make that choice for you and I feel bad even saying what I think.

What I said before stands you and are a miracle, and whats more a testament to love undying, so many children sent away by parents who loved them enough to save them, little pieces of ash in the wind blowing away from fires of Armageddon, really little seeds blowing out of a forest fire to grow a tree in a new world and look at all its branches. I hope whatever happened to your great-grandparents the idea of their children having a future was a comfort in the darkest moments. May their memory be a blessing.

[nerdygaymormon]

hello! o/ im a queer teenager from canada! i lead my highschool's gsa and am very active in the queer community around us. we raised $800 for the Trevor Project last year, raised $500 towards a chest binder breakroom at our school and are officially putting on the school's first all-age queer prom this may!

however, im very confused at the moment. i grew up in an atheist household and have never really found myself believing in God or anything religious. while i still dont think i believe ALL of it, lately ive been doing a lot of thinking after finding an old pocket bible that belonged to my great grandmother (she practically raised me but i never knew she was religious, she never mentioned it at all) and flipping through it and reading her flagged scriptures (i believe thats what theyre called, forgive me if im wrong), etc.

i then resorted to the internet and have been doing a bit of research and am now very conflicted about my feelings and beliefs. i now have moments where i genuinely believe there is something/someone divine out there. i find myself... almost talking to it, sometimes? i dont really know how to describe it. i even tried praying the other day for the first time in my life. (i probably didnt do it right if theres a proper way, but the point is i did it and i surprised myself.)

even though i have these moments, i still have times where i doubt it all. aside from the occasional joke, ive always done my best to be respectful of people's faith, but never saw myself believing until now. and when i say believe, like i said before, it isnt all of it. (like the creation of the world, etc)

i feel sort of fake in a way i dont know how to describe because of my conflicted feelings and how i dont believe everything. there are a lot of things i want to say about it but i really cant pull words from the emotions and i keep trying to. i also dont really have anyone in my life who i can talk to about this stuff. my family will not take me seriously and none of my friends and teachers are religious.

i dont know if you take asks like this, and its totally fine if you dont, but if you have any kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

sorry for the long ask, but thanks so much! hope youre having a wonderful day my friend 🤍

Congratulations for all you accomplish for queer students at your school! That's amazing!!!

That you find some aspects with religion resonates with you shouldn't be surprising or upsetting. Humans have been creating and practicing religions since before there was recorded history. There seems to be a need that is satisfied by religion.

In a broad sense, religion does 3 thing:

1. It provides an explanation for natural phenomena. Why is the ground shaking? Why did the sun go dark temporarily? Why is there a drought? Why is dad sick? Why did a hurricane pummel New Orleans?

2. Religions provide meaning to life. Religion provides answers for what is the purpose of life and what happens when we die. Religions are a vehicle for passing along the wisdom from past generations from hundreds and thousands of years ago.

3. Religion helps humans build community and encourages cooperation among those who believe. Religious belief also helps people develop self-discipline. Unfortunately, religions also have been used to define who is in a community and who is not, and this has led to a lot of harm and even wars

Beyond all these macro reasons, religion is experienced at the individual level. An individual prays and receive comfort and answers and feels a larger entity cares about them. Their faith gives them a purpose. They have a community that is meaningful in their lives. This is part of the truth of their lived experience and can't be easily quantified. It's what makes religion still relevant in the lives of many people today

[wttcsms]

Aight, bet!

I am ready to hear about Naoya that slimy lil bastard!!!!!!!!!

it's so bad, oh my gosh, y'all are going to look at it and think to yourself "what the actual fuck" HAHA, it's one of those 'this might be very embarrassing' type of fics to post, but i think it's so different from the other drafts i'm working on which only adds to its overall appeal for me lol

the working title i have so far is "to the victor belong the spoils" + the best ao3 tag that sums it up is "the dove's not dead but it's on life support"

so, i'm thinking that this fic takes place way back yonder (not really), but more around an ambiguous time period in the past (more like the 1940s?). jujutsu sorcery is still a thing, though, and naoya is still... well, naoya. anyway, his father is basically gonna croak anytime soon now & naoya is preparing to become the new head of the clan. the zenin's still very much suck, and they only grow more powerful under naoya's command because he makes an effort to basically "conquer" small clans. either they comply and live under zenin rule or the whole clan gets decimated.

your clan gets decimated. naoya kills your father (the clan leader) and slaughters every other man belonging to your clan. the women and children and everything you've ever owned now belongs to the zenins, which is to say, it all belongs to naoya (hence, the title). naoya is cruel and terrible — a monster playing at being a man. with his hands still stained and wet with your family's blood, he towers over you, hand gripping your chin and assessing what he considers to be his property.

"you'll do." is what he tells you, with absolutely no elaboration. for several years, you live in fear as the zenin's take over your home, the tiny community your father and ancestors spent generations building up and cultivating. naoya's words constantly linger in the back of your mind throughout it all — you'll do, you'll do, you'll do. what? what is it that you'll do? what is it that he considers you fit for?

on your birthday, naoya returns to inform you to pack your bags. you are coming back to the main zenin estate, and you are to be wed to him before the year is over, coinciding with his official ceremony naming him the head of the clan.

it is a (toxic) slowburn. naoya has some redeeming qualities, but let's be for real, any relationship w him is unhealthy as fuck lol. angst with a happy ending, smut (bc im but a whore), naoya has a heart, believe it or not. there's a reason he chose reader muhahaha, anyways, he's just a possessive little fuck. and misogynistic. and kinda evil sometimes (a lot of times). but he has his moments. spoiler: he really does love reader.

oh! and ik the more popular phrasing of the title is "to the victor go the spoils" but i chose 'belong' over 'go' to tie in with how possessive naoya is teehee

[redysetdare]

https://www.tumblr.com/kiwipopping/719602017244528641/im-sorry-but-its-wild-to-me-that-repulsed-ppl?source=share

someone finally said it! there'll be post after post on how all sex-repulsed aces are just sex-negative homophobic puritans who think allosexual gays are dirty for their sexual attraction, and how all romance repulsed aros are also homophobic because we apparently hate gay romance specifically. and these posts will literally be from other aros and aces. these people never get called out for spreading aphobic lies and misinformation, but the moment a repulsed aro/ace talks about their experiences they suddenly get labeled as a community traitor joining the side of homophobes. i'm tired -_-

tbh I have seen more people pushing against this aphobic rhetoric now-a-days as I often seen posts talking about how we shouldn't conflate Sex negative (a political position) with Sex repulsed (a personal position). But yeah, for a long while now there's been an issue with the sex positivity movement not REALLY being sex positive because so many allos can't wrap their head around people having personal issues with sex but not actually having issues with other people having sex. People conflated the idea of "someone not liking sex" to being "person is against sex for everyone and is thus a threat to sex positivity" which unfortunately is bound to happen in any movement of this size. The demonetization of repulsed people is nothing new in the community, as someone who's been IDing as Aro and ace for nearly 10+ years now. A lot of this rhetoric has been here for years, such as the "homophobic" argument which has been thrown at Aces and Aros in general by Allos because they see aro and ace identities as not being queer enough, which comes form the amatonormative idea that everyone should want romance and sex and queer rep HAS to include romance or sex less it be "censoring" it for "the straight" (this rhetoric constantly used against queer rep for younger people as well just because it doesn't include sex.) This rhetoric also takes the form of calling repulsed people "puritans" which is actually a christian fundamentalist religious ideology that people have taken and kind of watered down the meaning of to mean "anyone who might not like sex in the same way as me" which is it's own issue (Funnily enough it's also used against kids in the term "puriteen" because adults got mad that teens were upset at NSFW in spaces meant to be for kids, such as cartoon show tags and the like.)

It's kind of disheartening to say the least that in recent years so much animosity towards Repulsed folk has come from infighting within our own community. But I think it's important to not solely blame our community for it. a lot of people who get up and arms against repulsed folk have their reasons to, I mean gatekeeping unfortunately happens in parts of our community, usually by repulsed folks who try and say Demi, grey, favorable, etc. all don't count as Ace or Aro because they still feel/want sexual or romantic relationships. I for one have had someone come into my own posts trying to tell me that the "asexual community has been infiltrated by allo people" in reference to demi and grey folk, which i blocked immediately. But this kind of rhetoric causes people to become very very defensive at anyone that could possibly be invalidating them, which means when Repulsed people make a post talking about their experience in the community that seemingly contradicts the experience a favorable person has had, it is a common emotion to feel angry because to them "that's not true" for them it's been the other way around where THEY feel as if they don't belong because they've been targetted by gatekeepers. So to them, a lot of repulsed people complaining seems like "not a big deal" because they believe that we have spaces for us and are catered to within the community. forgetting that society at large hates repulsed folks on mass because we don't partake in sex or romance.

I think it just comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of each others experiences in the end. To some favorable people, repulsed people are a majority in the community and constantly being catered to + the fact that there are some aspecs and allos who question their identity and so they feel the need to defend it by adding "not all aspecs!" and "Aspecs can X Y and Z" without realizing that such language isn't as inclusive as they may think. People seem to forget that there are no spaces that are made for repulsed people. We are constantly bombarded with romance and sex in everything in life from music, to ads, to tv shows and movies, books, and online spaces. there is really nothing made FOR US. Most places that are sex free are made for KIDS which is alienating for sex repulsed ADULTS. and spaces without romance are usually for PRESCHOOLERS... which again, alienating for romance repulsed ADULTS.

I think the internet has definitely made it harder for people to realize that not everything includes them. Like, a sex repulsed person talking about their experience should not be followed up by "but some of us like sex. stop being sex negative!" Repulsed people should not have to be like "btw sex favorable ppl aren't bad this isn't about them"

people have been taking personal feelings about a subject as a personal attack on their identity, which it just doesn't need to be. People need to learn that some posts aren't geared towards them. Repulsed people NEED a space to express themselves without being told to shut up. Repulsed people NEED posts about them that don't get derailed to be about favorable people all because some ppl are worried that they are being excluded in a post not about them. Repulsed people NEED the ability to express repulsion without it being taken as a personal attack against favorable people.

Sorry for the wall of text, this ask just left open for a bit more conversation. I'm glad I am not the only one frustrated by this but also I didn't feel comfortable just posting a agreement response because I do not want to come off as being dismissive of the nuance that is really causing this to happen within the community. (or to be demonizing one part of our community like some do to us. i guess I am just willing to give benefit of the doubt to some people who may not be so nice to me.)

Either way I'm glad my post has resonated with you and maybe with more of us speaking out on this treatment we can actually start to create a space where repulsed and favorable people can coexist and both feel safe in, instead of constantly fighting each other. We are a community, after all. We should be supporting each other. not pushing each other away.

[sadcypher]

heyo! this might be an out-of-the-blue request but could you perhaps give to a fellow mediocre student that is going to enroll in their first year of a physics degree (with a focus on Astrophysics and Astronomy) some tips on how to survive university? I am going to be a first-generation student so the advice that has been given to me is rather scarce... Anything from simple tips to your personal view would be appreciated!

oh exciting! Im also a first gen student so I also felt very lost and alone at the beginning.

making friends: socializing and networking specifically at the beginning of the first semester is terrifying but almost everyone feels that way, freshers are desperate to make friends so connecting is easier. Also you will find yourself in situations that are perfect set-ups to start off friendships: group projects, people looking for study groups, freshers events, clubs,... just do yourself the favor to participate here and there! Also dont stress yourself about making these friendships within the first weeks, you meet new people throughout your time at university. Also not sure what your housing situation will be but dorms are also a good place to start connecting with people!

feeling very lonely at first: totally normal but be prepared for it, find hobbies and activities you can do on your own that keep you busy, maybe join a sports club or find weekly community meetups? Maybe regularly call friends or family? I wasnt able to avoid feeling very alone even though I was prepared for it but knowing that the odds are good that it wont be like that forever helps!

physics courses are hard: they are doable but time consuming. Keeping a study routine that is low maintenance but consistent is worth more than doing several insane 16 hours study sessions during exam season. And try to find a study group to go through the materials and for solving practice problems, preferably people that you feel at ease and motivated studying with.

Balance and mental health: please take care of yourself! Dont overwork yourself but also dont slack off because thats a good set up for spiraling; you have to find a system that works for you to balance uni, free time, sleep and maybe work, and dont listen too much to what others do, everyones needs and bodies are different so what works for others might not work for you! Tho whatever you do dont cut back on sleep if you can. Additionally having a safety net can be helpful, universities often offer free (or more affordable) counseling!

Feeling out of place: Especially if one isnt a child of academics it is very easy to feel like you dont belong but thats absolute bs. You have every right to be there. You might have to work harder than others which sucks and is very unfair but you will look back and see how much progress you have made. And something I have experienced is that family is often very discouraging, my parents are repeatedly trying to talk me into getting a job because they dont see the point in going through +5 years of university to end up doing something in physics/astro. So feel free to just trust your own head and gut feeling sometimes. At the end of the day it is your future. And self check for imposter syndrome because that can make your time at uni very very hard. If you talk to people about it I can assure you that 75% will share that feeling, and these conversations often help identifying that it is literally just your silly little brain acting up a bit.

if anyone comes up with anything else feel free to add to this list! And i hope some of these were useful, anon!

[a-romantic--aromantic]

ive been seeing some doom and gloom about exclusionism, and as a radical inclusionist whos been here for 10 years, i figured i could shed some light on it.

-

in general, its worth remembering that most exclusionists dont believe it, they are just afraid of what it means to be more inclusive. they are afraid and anxious of what it means if their identities or the identities they know dont mean what they think it does, they are afraid of what it means if their community can include more people. they are afraid that if they let more people in, their identities could lose meaning, because they are externally defining themselves based on others. they are defining themselves off of the perception of others.

ultimately, in its rawest form, exclusionists are afraid of how cishets will perceive them, if they see the community shifting away from what they think it has always been. exclusionists are absolutely terrified to think that public cishet perception of them could change, and if it changes, that they may be at risk for more harassment. at its core, exclusionism is based in being a kind of queer that is palatable or understandable to cishets.

the second one form of exclusionism loses general favor, they will cyclically jump to another, because ultimately it is a community that is afraid and finding comfort and community in that shared experience. there’s a lot of comfort and community in being afraid together. theres a comfort in knowing they are not alone in their fear. theres a comfort in knowing theyre seen as they are, including that they are afraid of what might come next.

they jump from one identity to the next, because once it becomes clear that the identity they were afraid would impact them wont, once that identity becomes publicly acceptable and acknowledgeable, they dont want to experience being wrong or seen as hurtful. they just want community and solidarity. once they dont have to be afraid of that group, they wont be. but their community is based in that fear, so they will jump to the next acceptable target.

ive been in queer circles for ten years, ive seen this a bunch of times. it’ll pass. it always does. and when the terf propoganda and ideaology is uncovered, many of them will question their beliefs and why they believe them. many will jump ship, many will recognize they are wrong, and our community will grow in people who are self accepting and proud internally, who know who they are with or without being accepted or perceived by others. and im honestly proud of everyone who makes that jump. i know not everyone will, and its a hard change to make.

it WILL be okay. queer people of all sorts belong. they will get better. they always do. people grow and change and history favors inclusion and collective community.

-

i hope that knowing that helps. when i made this blog, it was in response to the aro community being exclusionist towards romo aros. when i first joined, aroallos and neuaros/aromids were ostracized. the greyro/romo aro community had a mass disappearance due to how they were being treated. we were still struggling to be recognized apart from the ace community. but we learned and changed and everyone grew and still grows to be inclusive to everyone who belongs. exclusionism now is never end all be all. it will be okay.

history favors inclusion. history favors progressivism. history favors recognizing all as belonging where they seek and self identify.

you dont have to educate them, but know in the end, there are more people, historical people, queer elders, new youth, community leaders, community, who side with your inclusion. who side with that everyone can belong under the umbrella, and that self identity with us and our movement and our culture and our experiences and our community can be enough. self identity, as confusing as it may be, is something worth appreciating and cherishing. something that we deserve PRIDE in.

you belong. you always have, and you always will. the voices of the few may be strong, but you belong to the voice of many. you deserve your place with us.

and we are so proud to have you.

[eccentrickleptomaniac]

Could you give a head cannon for Chechnya, Dagestan, Circassia, and other Russian republics

?!?:@#?:@?!:@?:#?@:! COCONUT?????? GHI I THOUGHT YOU DIED

anyways ya they'll each be a paragraph long (under the cut cuz itll probs be long)

chechnya (the russian republic) is actually the child of the chechen republic of ichkeria. ichkeria died after the second chechen war was over. chechnya on her own is a very excitable person. she is very intrigued by kosovo and finds herself often around them primarily out of curiosity. she tells kosovo about her mother a lot and how lovely she was to her. she doesn't live with russia and instead has the status of "annexed country", meaning she's stuck in the real world, making communication pretty difficult. she manages though! still tries her best despite it all. actually pretty smart as well, good at weaving her way out of situations.

circassa, ooohg. she's mysterious to say da least.. she was a sister of the russian empire and ussr, very much ignored by the other two. she never talked much, preferring glances well enough to shut up a curious bystander in one look. she was very self-centered and always believed what she did was right, but you wouldnt know that due to her mysteriousness. she didn't have many friends nor allies and it led to her demise sometime in the late 1800s against the russian empire. in death she's still very mysterious but it appears more timid now. if she sees someone she'll probably just disintegrate and teleport away. her daughter (adygea) lives on, hardened by the experience but not deterred in the slightest.

karelia is.. odd? she does not act russian in the slightest. what that constitutes is different for everyone but pretty much everyone agrees that.. yeah that girl does not act like she'd belong under russian rule. she's staunchly happy and slightly passive aggressive but overall fine to be around. she talks to the finnish karelias a lot. they're her besties thru and fucking THROUUUUGH. outside of that she doesnt have many friends though ):

dagestan is curious at heart. if he's not out and about writing notes there is no doubt he's pressing a former soviet republic for info about their past. and i mean, they usually give it to him, he spends a lot of time doing this and learning about the others. he has a fuck ton of blackmail against them its actually kinda funny. he also loves to learn new languages! occasionally in his spare time he translates things into different languages. avid nonenglish wikipedia editor.

komi is like... silly.., every definition of the word she is silly. she loves tree climbing and food. perhaps she's one of the countries with the random cat gene? im not super sure though. it'd be fun though! she likes to glomp people and also body slam them. she's ironically pretty harmless but at first you wouldn't be the first to assume that she would kill you without hesitation.. she COULD but she probably wouldn't because she's nice and rarely loses her temper.

do we count crimea? i'll talk about her i suppose 😭 she's a sailor at heart. knows many curse words in many different languages and nothing else. she hasn't been seen much since her annexation by russia but from what people remember she was a very hearty person, loved a good joke and was rather strong on her own accord. she spoke very few languages aside from the one everyone knows, russian and ukrainian were her only strong suits. she was impulsive, fun, and generally well liked.

mari el is plain. she's known for not much honestly. she's not boring or anything, but nothing out of the ordinary either. she's very go-with-the-flow-y and prefers to stay in the background. she has no strong opinions on anything but her clothes are pretty and her smile is heavenly. she's known among the other russians for being kind and willing to take in anyone if they're hurt, even if someone like her "father" (not really) might consider them an enemy.

bashkortostan has the most power out of the republics due to being the most populous. everyone kind of treats him like a big brother, even if he's not older than the others, it's assumed dhe's more well liked than the others by russia. and so, if they need something or have a complaint, they go to him! he listens intently and overall? good sibling. people like him and he likes people.

altai is very good at surprising people with her capabilities. while nothing special, she does love a good adventure. she's pretty much always out and about and her and dagestan often go on hikes together and note different plant and animal species together in the many notebooks they have. you cannot handle the uber instincts of their uber autism. (ahem slash joke)

ill do the rest later theres a lot of them 😭 also these might not be super accurate like? history wise? yada yada i hope ya still enjoy

[homenecromancer]

a lot of the time, i have a hard time realizing that im feeling an emotion unless i actively sit down and work through it a bit.

and this whole spring i've been like. well my general anxiety has been way worse, my ability to deal with things is all over the map, i have trouble sleeping without sleep medication, i've noticed myself pulling away from even socializing online... when i think about my hysterectomy coming up, i don't feel happy. i feel nervous and a little scared. i worry that i'm going to get a phone call telling me that my insurance company has decided not to pay. holy shit, do i worry about that.

(like, two days ago i was on a conference call with someone from my rheumatologist's office + someone who works with my insurance company, and things eventually boiled down to: the insurance company refuses to add a preferred name to my account, and they won't accept documents with anything but my birth name on them, so now i'm back to being "[birth name] but with a note on my file to call me a different name" at my rheumatologist.)

it wasn't like that when i was waiting for my top surgery.

but that was 2018.

and i did not think, then, that in five years, every time i checked the news i would be bracing myself for new anti-trans legislation, and praying it wouldn't be in my state. it doesn't feel like i'm waiting to walk through a door to a different state of being; it feels like i'm running and trying to escape a trap. when i think about the future it's in terms of "what can i survive, and how?". i wanted joy, not desperation.

my state is relatively supportive of trans people, but it is surrounded by states that are proposing and passing a tide of transphobic legislation. and while this state leans more Democrat than it did in the past, there is still a Republican history in this state. there are people here who would be happy to vote to make it illegal for me to get hormones, to use my own name, to change my legal gender marker.

sometimes i wonder if part of the reason that i am mostly treated okay in public is that i'm visibly disabled, and a lot of abled people view disabled people as the diet versions of adults. (people tend to see someone visibly disabled and immediately decide "oh, they're disabled, so they obviously don't drink / fuck / do any 'normal' adult activity"). so i'm not getting invisibly graded on my ability to pass as an adult man, not the way i would if i weren't disabled; anything odd about me gets brushed off as "oh, the poor thing is disabled" rather than "i knew it, he's not actually a man".

i don't really participate in real-world queer community, for reasons that are like... considerably related to depression/anxiety. i am happy to call myself queer, but i don't feel like i belong anywhere in particular in the community, or that anyone would have interest in my opinions, experiences, or feelings, for reasons i do not wish to elaborate on. (also, every group i have found that i might be interested in meets somewhere far away from where i live, on a day and at a time when i am usually at work. like even the teleconference groups i've found are like that. lmao at living in the suburbs.) usually i can just patch that feeling of loneliness over, but sometimes it really drags me down.

i'm just tired of being scared all the time.

[transmeds]

No, seriously. Look it up, there's more than enough evidence on tumblr. Terfs use ace exclusion as "step one" in the terf pipeline. They joke about how they lure people in with ace exclusion and then convince them to adopt terf ideology. Some terfs talk about how they started as ace exclusionists. It's not a joke or exaggeration. "Aces don't belong in the community" > "aces are very different from LGBTs" > "trans are very different from LGBs" >"aces and trans dont belong" actually happens a lot.

ive also seen terfs joke abt general man hate as a pipeline, smth very common in tucute communities. like literally everything is a terf pipeline that's kind if how a community that thrives by manipulating impressionable people work. ive seen transmeds turn into terfs, ive been tucutes turn into terfs, terfs don't care what you opinion is they will find SOMETHING to try to bait and radicalize you. im not new to discourse, i know about how terfs like to manipulate ace exclusionists. like i said they manipulate every community! thts kinda what they do. its not a joke or an exaggeration, its a stupid statement that ignores the real problem, that terfs manipulate everyone impressionable they care regardless of who they are.

[meme-loving-stuck]

i feel like the whole "more trans bodies in art" thing is like definitely leaning toward transmasc & generally just... feminine androgynous white bodies in general. my wife and i talked about it and it was like. yeah literally honestly when do i ever see any art that looks like her?

my wife is nb. they are transfem. they have dark hair, that they shave. they are tall. they are not skinny. they are not petite. they are not white. she has breasts, and they are natural, and she has never had any surgeries.

what do you think of when you think of "trans bodies" in artwork you have seen, if any? does it sound like the body i just described? how many trans art pieces do you know of by trans artists that look like her? can you think of any youve seen, off the top of your head? how many trans artists do you see on instagram or twitter who themselves look like her? if youre an artist, what kind of trans bodies exist in the art that you have created? do they all look the same?

like, i get it. im not trying to stereotype. trans art is often self-reflective, because it is still a very new thing to even be visible, and many people feel they dont see themselves represented in any media at all. but i think it is definitely worth considering, like, white transmascs ARE prioritized in the community and do have measurable privilege for being white, lithe, thin. but you shouldnt only be drawing one type of trans person if you want your art to reflect reality or have a sense of community

it's the same with a lot of queer art: thin white bodies are made into the poster-children, and everyone else is swept under the rug. but this community IS diverse. reality IS diversity. trans artists: whats stopping you from including trans people who don't look like the instagram queer poster-child?

tl;dr "trans art" is not just peach fuzz on breasts or a white body with top surgery scars. other trans people do exist and their voices, their vision, their bodies belong in art too.

[rileylearnstorock]

fuck this weather

why is everything moving even slower than before today? im currently typing this in a dinosaur aged laptop belonging to my sis sitting at home with god knows what's the weather out there now, 35 degrees? and alternating between needing to sweat and also not overheating myself. i seem to remember that my sis describes me as being a carnivorous plant, i need water and moisture if not i just die which literally happened to me 2 days ago. temperature shot to 39.3 and i was delusional. body aching too much to get on my feet to wash up and head down to our family doctor, was in a half dazed mood the whole day, the bloody meds making my tongue all numb and all food tasting bland. well glad all thats over.

today is the last day of my so called medical leave and gotta return to being a cog in the machine of capitalism? economic growth? whatever it is, its the thing that gives me money so i can spend it however i like and on whoever i like. i just realised my last post was early april this year and it always feels like a whole year has passed since i last written in here. at least its still a consistent thing for me. no matter how infrequently i write. i still got opinions and stuffs to say, maybe not to humans but online. because this space is not meant for anyone but myself. so no judgements, no stonewalling, nothing, just peace and quiet, exactly how i want things to be.

my job is chaotic now, so different from the previous one but the time passes really quickly and im learning new shit which is all good. colleagues are pretty good as well, no mind games and management is old school/traditional which is fine by me. still not very sure about working under a female boss but time will tell. man once this week passes, it will be 3 weeks im in this new company, time sure passes quickly. the rest of my life is pretty much the same really. i miss hanging out with my group of 5, me included. can be totally myself with them, all of us feel the same way. minus the smoking and hard liquor. i think my 3 cups of soju bomb was my max till i flatlined. man at least it was in their home and not some pub or strangers home. glad to always have them, need to catch up soon like for real. for real.

why am i talking like im a homie? pretty soon i will be saying bruh to everyone and hierarchies be absent. i dunno i mean i read about this new generation now called generation Alpha? like how weird is that? i thought the alphabets thing was already weird enough but now we have alpha? said it came from being ipad babies, born and raised using ipads. sounds privileged and kinda sad though tbh to have ur whole world shaped using electronics without being able to use ur 5 senses to discover the world around you. damn im glad i was born a millenial, if i have a kid next time, wouldnt know if i am raising an alien or a child anymore. they be all smarter than us and taking over all our jobs in no time is what im saying.

guess thats all i have to say for now. peace out, love this community.