#im a couple hundred words into this last section

[angel-eyes05]

to leave the warmest bed i've ever known

pairing: spiderwoman!reader x miguel o’hara 

summary: after miguel’s fight with miles, you confront him in his office

warnings: this whole thing is basically one big argument there’s SO much angst, implied suicide attempt, HUGE ATSV SPOILERS DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE, im projecting a little in some parts of this ngl (i cried writing a certain section of this, you'll know it when you read it lmao), mentions and descriptions of blood, gore, and death

word count:  4.1k

notes: i watched the movie yesterday…and miguel is on my mind. but i remember reading this namor x reader fanfic after i watched wakanda forever of a similar idea to this and i loved it so this is HEAVILY inspired by that fic, but just make it miguel. i would link it but ngl that was so long ago and i dont remember the author. if i end up finding it again ill put it here. also, just pretend miguel has been doing this whole spider society thing for a couple of years at least, it just needs to work like that for this ik its probably not canon but just roll with it lmao. and yes the title is a taylor swift lyric im so glad you noticed (im so sorry she's in my brain rn with the eras tour)

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The anger boiled up inside your chest as you stormed your way across the lobby. Hundreds of different Spider-Man variants were scattered across the area, some more injured than the others. It sickened you sometimes. How he had so many people under his grasp and just decided to throw some of them at the walls sometimes, not caring how hard they hit the floor because they were all just ammo to him. How despite his denials of it, that’s probably what your role was to him as well. Nothing more than a bullet in his massive machine gun.

You normally tried not to think about it, how his determination towards his goal sometimes meant lack of care for others. But this time he had just gone too far. You always had a soft spot for Miles, watching closely on him whenever Miguel would let you go though scanners of all the different variants. You admired his struggle, but eventual success to taking up the previous Peter’s mantle, and always hated how Miguel talked about him. You knew there was no way Miles could’ve asked for any of this. For the pressures and struggles of being a Spider-Man, for everything causing such a strained relationship with his parents, for the death of his uncle, and for what will be the eventual death of his father. You definitely didn’t.

Ok lets do this one last time. Eh, whatever, there’s probably gonna be 50 other introductions after this one so it doesn’t really matter.

Being Earth-837’s Spider-Man has never been easy. Especially since you were bit when you were only 13 (another reason you sympathized with Miles and Gwen). Your life had followed the order of canon events to a perfect T, your older brother killed in a fight with a robber only two months after you were bit. You tried to overcome the burden of your powers by trying to live as normal of a teenage life as possible, but it was mostly in vain, having to give up multiple friendships and relationships in fear of those you love getting hurt. This was only elevated when your boyfriend Peter was murdered in the crossfire of an encounter with Doc Ock. You didn’t understand. You couldn’t. What you had done to deserve all of this. All you did was just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You wonder sometimes what would happen if someone was in the same place you were when you got bit. If someone else went to the closed down area of that museum and ran into that spider. That stupid spider that ruined your life. Those thoughts slowly started to disappear for a bit. For a few years things were easy. Things seemed like they were finally going in your favor.

You were 25 when it happened. The last canon event. Ever since you were a little girl you hated your mother’s job. Losing nights of sleep over if she would come home or not. She always did though. She was good at her job. Too good though. Good enough to get promoted to police captain, which for who you were, was basically sealing her fate. She saved so many people that day. You were too busy fighting Venom to notice how much collateral damage you were causing in the process. Your mother’s job was to evacuate all the citizens away from the fight. She died shielding a child from incoming debris. A noble way to go. But god was it gruesome. You found her after the fight was over, two metal poles impaling her. One through her stomach and one straight through her face, pools of blood growing bigger below her as she was left there, all the paramedics busy trying to save the heavily injured. You froze when you finally recognized her, unable to at first due to how mutilated her face was from the pole. Suddenly, you were transported back to being a six year old, falling asleep outside the door to your mother’s bedroom so you would know exactly when she would come home. Purposefully falling asleep in her arms so that she couldn’t go anywhere.

When you used the key she had given you to get into her apartment that night, and you slept in her room, desperate to intake anything left of her before she was fully gone. You doused yourself in her perfume so it still felt like she was standing right behind you. You had always loved her smell. The smell of vanilla, curl product, and fancy perfume. They were attached to memories you had of her. Trying on her heels when you were a kid to try and be fancy like her. Smelling her hair in the morning before school to comfort you before she left for work. Despite all of this bringing you comfort, all it really did was cause further denial in your heart. That one day you were gonna hear the keys clacking in the keyhole to your apartment one more time. That’s all you really wanted. You would give everything up in a heartbeat just to hear her police scanner go off one last time. But it wasn’t going to. And it was your fault. Deep down you knew it was. You should’ve done a better job controlling the debris. You had always been a messy fighter, but you didn’t know it was going to mean anything until it was too late. 

How you got up to the top of that building is still a blur to you to this day. But next thing you know, you were looking at the New York City skyline from the very top of the Empire State Building. And at the very edge too. You heard some sounds behind you, but you just decided it was the wind howling from how high up you were. You were just so tired. Everything and everyone you loved was cursed all because of you. And with your mother as the most recent victim, you decided you finally had enough. You took a deep breath, eyes overflowed with water, as you set your foot forward.

Your plummet was interrupted by a sudden contact you felt to your forearm. Shock filled your body as you turned around to look at what had stopped your attempt. The blue hand was massive, nearly wrapping back around onto itself as it held onto you for dear life. You finally looked up at face that the hand belonged to. The mask that covered the massive figure was a strange one. Blue with strange red silhouettes for the eyes. It kind of reminded you of…your own costume? That couldn’t be though there was no way. This must be the afterlife or something. You already jumped and that's why you didn’t remember your way up to the top. This was some kind of creature trying to stop you from jumping down to hell below. His breaths were heavy and loud, almost like he was desperate to stop you. This convinced you that this was real, which caused you to try to escape from his grip. He was stronger than you, and was putting up a huge fight. You were slick though. Once you were out of his hand, you closed your eyes and quickly made your jump. Everything flashed before your eyes. Your brother, Peter, your mom. You were hoping to see them soon. This was very quickly interrupted again when you suddenly stopped falling. Something had attached itself to your stomach. You opened your eyes. A web? This web was much different than yours though. It was glowing a bright, neon orange.

The man was holding onto the end of it tightly with both hands. His mask then disappeared to show his face. His was long, matching how big the rest of his body was, defined cheek bones sticking out. Brown wavy hair slicked back with a few loose strands flying out in the wind. The look of desperation on his face stook out most of all. Why did he care so much? He didn’t know you, and you definitely didn’t know him. “Let me pull you up. Please,” he said to you between shaky pants. You stared at him for a bit before nodding. He slowly pulled you up with the string of his web, each move more careful than the last. As soon as your feet were planted safely back on the roof of the building, he wrapped you up in his massive arms. You appreciated the gesture, but you didn’t return it, still very confused about why he was so concerned. He was so big around your body though, you couldn’t help but feel a little comforted, feeling his still shaky breaths against the hairs of your neck. Soon after, he clicked on some buttons on his neon orange watch and led you into a portal.

The rest is history. You’re grateful he found you that day. It allowed you to meet so many people, Peter B., Jess, Gwen, Hobie, Ben, Pavitr, Margo. They all related to you and you felt like you could share things with them that you couldn’t do with anyone else. You had grown especially close to Peter and Jess, both of them having been in the game for a long time, just like you. They both knew how you felt, having lost so much and growing so tired after so many years. Peter even named you as Mayday’s godmother when she was born, a gesture that caused you to nearly kill him with your hug. Miguel though was different. He wasn’t nearly as social as the rest of your friends, but you found yourself having much more intimate moments with him (in more ways then one). You eventually found out why Miguel was so concerned for you the day you met. He had taken interest in your abilities early into looking for variants for his little “project”, but refrained from roping you into something so dangerous while you were still in your teens.

Once you were old enough though, he started paying more and more attention, hoping to catch you in a fight and recruit you then. But he was always pulled away with more important duties to attend to. That was until he witnessed your canon event. He had seen it happen so many times before through his scanners. It was going to happen. It had to in order for your universe to not collapse in on itself. But for some reason, yours hurt more than the rest to him. Especially how you coped with it. Seeing you wrap yourself up in her blankets and clothes broke his heart. He knew where this would lead to. That’s why he was there that day. To save you. He had to, or he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. You got your own watch immediately, along with your own room in the Spider Society headquarters. He stayed close with you for the first month of you being a member of the team. When he wasn’t out on missions, he was with you. You didn’t really know what to label you two as, but whatever was going on, you liked it. And he did too.

That is until Miles came into the picture. Once Miles was bit, all hell broke loose for Miguel. He was always in some alternate dimension catching some Spider-Man villain who got out and rangled them back over here, falling back over to you more beat up and bruised than the last time. You couldn’t imagine how much stress he was under, the fate of the entire multiverse up to him. You had some ways of helping him relieve his stress, but you wish you could convince him that he wasn’t alone in this. But nothing ever got through to him. He had become distant, aloof even. You tried bringing it up to Jess every so often, but she would just brush it off.

“That’s how he’s always been.” Not to you he hasn’t. This week has been hell though. With Spot making it over to Miles, Miguel had been going into rages all week. You had put up with it for now, but that was all about to stop. Watching how harsh he was being on Miles, throwing so many Spider-Men at an innocent boy, risking all of their lives in the process. Disregarding everything Gwen and Peter were feeling and then throwing Gwen back into her broken world with nothing. He had gone too far. No one else was going to stand up to him about it, so you knew it had to be you. Maybe he would listen, maybe he wouldn’t. It didn’t really matter. He just needed to hear it.

“It’s not worth it you know.” The voice snapped you out of your thoughts, stopping you in your tracks. “You know how stubborn he gets over these things,” said Jess, trying to convince you to save your breath. “I don’t care. I have to at least try,” you responded, monotonically. “I just don’t understand how you can follow him so blindly and not see what he’s doing is wrong.” “Because he isn’t wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not just gonna stand by and let some kid’s stupid decisions destroy another Earth,” Jess argued. “He’s just trying to save his dad, I can’t understand how that makes him such a bad person,” you said, finally turning around to face her, shocked when she was closer to you than expected.

“You know exactly why. Don’t be so naive, y/n,” she shot back. “You can’t stop me,” you said staring straight into her. She shrugged. “Then I can’t help you.” She began to walk away. You did to, until you heard her say. “You don’t know how much he cares for you.” You turned around to face her again, but her back was still to you, her head tilted ever so slightly to look at you. “If you really do care for the kid, watch what you say to Miguel right now. Cause you might just give him the final push he needs to do what needs to be done.” You didn’t give her a response, and just simply kept walking. You felt Jess’ eyes on your back as you entered the elevator to get up to Miguel’s office.

The elevator ride up felt longer than it should’ve, as you tried to gather all of your thoughts and emotions together so even if he didn’t listen, your words would still stick with him in some way. You didn’t necessarily want to hurt him (though your fists were telling you otherwise), but you did want him to be aware of what he’s done. Once the doors finally opened, all of that work flew out the window as rage took over your body again, seeing Miguel up there looking at the scanners. The fact that he looked just as normal as he always does made you furious. It’s like nothing happened.

“You know, I could hear you coming in from the lobby,” he said, almost stopping you in your tracks. You hated when he did that. Claiming that he knew what your every move was going to be. Like you were under his control or something. “Yeah, well then you must’ve heard me talking to Jess, which means you know exactly what this is about,” you shot back, stopping to where you could see him perched up there. “Why don’t you just save me the conversation about morality and just come up here and kick my ass already. It’ll save both of us time,” he said, not even taking his eyes off the scanners to look down at you. This only added to your fury. “That’s not what I’m here for Miguel, so don’t you dare try to twist my words here. What you did to that kid was fucked up and you know it.” “Oh yeah, then why didn’t you try to do anything to stop me?” he questioned.

“Because I’m not stupid Miguel. I’m not gonna try to take down hundreds of Spider-Men at once.” “Oh, cause you’re so much better than that?” This wasn’t like him at all. That gentle, kind, and caring Miguel you once knew was gone, taken over by some sort of personal vendetta he had against Miles. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this all needs to stop before it gets taken too far. You’re getting into a fight you can’t win. That kid’s strong and so are his allies. And if you go any further into this, I won’t be here to help you.” He stayed still and only turned his head to look at you. “And what makes you think that you’re so important to my plan that it’ll fall apart if you leave? Have you really become that pretentious?”

Your body froze. Have I really? No no no, that’s exactly what he wants. If you begin to doubt yourself now, you’ll stay and nothing will change. You knew you were right. He was trying to crumble you down, but you wouldn’t let that happen. “And you really think that one kid is going to ruin something that you’ve been working for for years? How insecure you’ve become.” “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, turning back away from you. You did the same, wiping off your face in anger. “I hate it when you do tha-,” you said as you turned back around, but were cut off to find Miguel standing there right in front of you. He was close. Too close to your liking, although in any other circumstance you would’ve found this attractive.

He tilted his head up, but his eyes were down staring daggers into yours. You hated how much he tried to make himself seem more superior to you. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he repeated, this time slower as if you were a child. “He’s just a kid Miguel,” you said in a low, quiet voice. “An anomaly. And a dangerous one at that.” “God Miguel, all he wants to do is protect his dad, do you know how insane you sound right now?” you said letting out a slight laugh when you finished. You backed away from him a little. “He doesn’t know how much damage he’ll do with this. Saving his father will only prolong the inevitable. His world will be gone within hours if he does this. All I’m trying to do is make him understand,” he tried to explain. “By trying to kill him.” “You always have to exaggerate the situation,” he said palming his face. “But that’s essentially what you’re trying to do isn’t it? Why not snuff out the problem entirely by taking him out!”

He signed and began to walk away while you were talking, bringing up your anger even more. “Yeah, use all the power you’ve accumulated over the years and just take out the small problem! Except this isn’t just a fly on the wall Miguel. This is a child! An innocent boy who didn’t ask for any of this to happen to him, just like how we didn’t. I get it, I’m sorry that this job is stressful, I really am. But that gives you zero right to act the way you are!” You were screaming at him at this point. You didn’t want to. You didn’t want your emotions to get the best of you. But he was being too stubborn. This was the only way you thought you could get to him. You might not have wanted to, but you needed to hurt him now. It was the only way.

“You can’t be so power blind that you refused to accept the fact that there could be a way around Captain Davis’ death. You said we saved Earth’s before, I’m sure we could do it again.” Your anger only kept rising when he kept walking away and didn’t respond. “This is a personal thing isn’t it?” you asked calmly. You knew it was working now when he stopped walking. “Yeah, it it. You won’t let Miles get his happy ending. Because why should he be pardoned of his burden while the rest of us have suffered so much. While you’ve suffered so much.” The answer to your question was confirmed when Miguel stayed silent. “Just because you didn’t get the life you wanted Miguel, doesn’t mean you have the right to stop other people from getting theirs.”

You knew you overstepped the line when Miguel turned around and started walking towards you, fury burning in his crimson eyes. “Yeah, so what! What if that is what this is all about! You should know better than anyone how much this job takes away from you!” he screamed at you, backing you up into a wall. “Why should he get to be let off so easily, while people like you and me have to suffer so much? Don’t try to turn me into the villain here when I know you’re thinking the exact same thing, y/n.” He wasn’t entirely wrong. You had wondered it at some points. “I won’t let you turn this onto me Miguel, this is about you,” you fired back. “Oh no, you’re not getting off that easily. I know you’re thinking it. And you’re right. Why should Miles get let off so easily when you’ve lost so much.” He held your hands in his, trying to connect to you. “And you have mi vida. You’ve had so much taken from you and it’s unfair. Why should he only have lost one person when you’ve had three taken from you. Your brother, Peter, your moth-.”

He was cut off by your hand striking against his face in a harsh blow. “If you’re smart, and I know you are, you’ll keep those three out of them. I won’t let you drag their names through the dirt for something as stupid as this.” You both stood there for a while, both of your eyes looking towards the ground, hoping it would open up to swallow you both as an escape from this god awful conversation. You never wanted it to come to this. In all honesty, you cared for Miguel. You might’ve even loved him, if you were even capable of doing such a thing. You hoped he felt the same way about you, but in a job like this, he always had at least one wall up around you. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. You were too tired to keep trying for something that was most likely going to fall apart in the end. 

“You’re still going after him aren’t you?” you asked, finally breaking the silence. Miguel looked back up at you. “You can’t ask me not to. You know better than anyone why this is so important to me.” He moved his hand up to cup your cheek and kissed your forehead gently. You let it sit there for a minute out of habit before pushing it off your face. “And you must know why I can’t stay anymore then.” His shoulders dropped. “Whatever this thing between us is. It’s over. I can’t stay beside someone who can’t see what he’s doing is wrong.” Miguel’s dropped hand turned into a fist of anger. “Fine,” he spat in your face. “I don’t need someone like you in my way. You’re just a liability to this anyways.” He began to walk away from you back to his scanners. “Just don’t come crying back over to me when your little plan doesn’t work out, cause I won’t help you.” He used his webs to pull himself back up to the platform to keep looking for Miles. You stood there for a second, gathering yourself.

Five years. Out the door just like that. It bewildered you how easily a bond like you two had could be broken all because of one teenager. You began to make your way for the door before you said. “When this is all over…don’t try to find me.” He didn’t respond. Once the elevator doors opened, you rushed inside, desperate to get away from him. So many thoughts rushed through your head as the doors closed and you sunk down back to the lobby to leave. You didn’t have much of a plan. This could end up being a horrible idea. Your gut told you it was the right thing to do though. And that was enough for you. You walked out of the headquarters lobby with a new heart and a new mind, ready to take action for your new plan.

First though, you had to find Gwen.

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a/n: god that took longer than it should've. dw dw i'll do a part 2 if enough people ask for one. im not 100% sure how im gonna do a part 2 cause yk....idk how beyond the spiderverse is gonna go so tbh, we're just gonna make it go the way i want lmao. thanks for reading, ik this was kind of a long one lmao

NEXT CHAPTER

[compacflt]

i’ve got a question about your writing process: in order to write a 30 year narrative, you create it out of hundreds of individual moments & actions, and each one has to function by itself and also part of a whole—have truth to itself and emotional resonance in a timeline. imo the key to doing this successfully is to care about each moment and make each one memorable, which seems very difficult: you have to get at the meat of the human behavior, believably, in a way that matters and explains and progresses the story, every time. and to write 200k words of it you do it hundreds of times! could you talk a bit about idea generation for each moment and how you brainstorm and write them?

omg an excuse to make more diagrams ! Thank you so much for this lovely ask!

okay: in case you don’t want to scroll through like four/five months of my inane icemav Poasting, I’ve done a couple other posts that go into my process — here about specifically chapter 1 and here about the fatal flaw of my fics from a construction standpoint

but from an idea generation standpoint… it’s pretty boring and cynical. I literally just make checklists. “things that HAVE to happen.” here’s my notes app check list of stuff that HAD to happen for the story to make sense in my rewrite of what is now chapters 8 & 9. this is from last december lol

and here’s a checklist/diagram of the major story beats and the changes in relationship dynamics throughout the story. any one of these dynamics changing reflects on the others in a way that‘s worth talking about. the hard part is finding a framing device or scene to talk about them.

the A plot of the fic is ice’s relationship with the navy, primarily. his arc is defined by his rank. so that’s the number 1 dynamic I wanted to focus on in such-and-such scenes, and why I stuck as stringently as possible to the “one rank per chapter” formula until ice got to the top & had to reckon with what being at the top actually means. His change in ranks is inspiration enough for most scenes because it shifts the dynamics in a way that is worth remarking upon in and of itself.

as an example im thinking of this scene (mostly because it’s short but also) because i think it’s kind of representative of how my idea generation process works

It fills a lot of gaps that i needed filled at that specific juncture in the story. the idea started with a stupid little section of dialogue in my head (mav would be surprised that ice’s official Navy docusign signature isn’t his actual signature) that happened to be symbolically relevant too (of course ice would have two different signatures for his two different personas). Then it morphed into a discussion of Ice’s canonically unhappy-looking compacflt portrait, which is canonically unhappy-looking. Then add onto that ice admitting he’s only happy at home (home obviously meaning with maverick, given that he’s literally in his house right now and still doesn’t feel like he’s home) and maverick telling him, “well that’s a problem that has literally the easiest fix in the world. youre making this way more complicated than it needs to be. just come home to me.”

so it’s literally just checking off boxes of things I wanted to talk about. as I said, a very cynical creation process. ✅ ice and mav doing the long-distance-relationship phone call thing (framing device for the whole scene). ✅ mav knowing ice’s real vs fake signature ❤️. ✅ ice’s canon unhappy compacflt portrait that makes an appearance in TGM. ✅ ice not feeling at home in Hawaii. ✅ ice not being fulfilled by the job & only being fulfilled by mav. ✅ ice coming up with excuses to see mav at any possible chance he gets. ✅ ice still obviously thinking of mav and Bradley as his family & maverick as his home. Etc etc. You see what i mean? how many stupid little ideas, symbols, and dynamic shifts can i cram into a page or so? that’s pretty much my thinking.

[echantedtoon]

Chasriel Week Day 4

Day 4: first meeting *Deltarune Au* Trying to find the book you were specifically looking for was kinda hard when the shelved were at least twenty feet each and filled with easily hundreds of books. And did I mention that the library had at least seven floors with easily fifty bookshelves on each floor? Yeah it wasn’t wasy finding anything in there, unless you were the librarian. That lady seemed to know the place like her own glasses, unfortunately she was rather vague as well. Should be in the fiction section she said. You should find it on one of the middle shelves she said. Well she didn’t specify and now he was walking around looking at random book covers and reading their names like some child on a wild goose chase. Who knows how long this would take? For the life of him this would take all eternity at this point. He sighed and just kept scanning the booktitles looking for any that might’ve been good to read, because at this point he severly doubted he would find the specific one he wanted, so it wasn’t a bad idea to look for some others he might like just in case. Was a good idea. Right? Eventually he stopped and stared at one green covered book. Funny, it’s cover didn’t say anything. The thin thing was wedged between two much larger books and didn’t look easy to get out-…..And wouldn’t you know it. It was actually correct. When he reached out a hand and tugged, it didn’t budge. It felt like a rock stuck inside concrete. So what else to do but to pull harder. Made sense right? But when he pulled harder nothing happened. Ok. Time for extreme measures. Both of his hands came to grab the book's skinny frame and he pulled harder, wings fluttering in frustration. He didn't have to wait long. A moment later it FINALLY came loose-....With about twenty or so book from it's left side. He yelped and watched in horror as they all fell to the floor with loud thumps. A few monsters around him paused what they were doing and looked over at him. To which he froze and gave a nervous chuckle at the situation....Before quickly bending down and picking up the books and placing them back onto the shelf one by one. Not sure in the correct order but hopefully no one would notice. Completely forgetting the small book and placing it back with the others. It didn't matter anyways. He was a little too busywith the cleaning up of his mess to care at the moment. Leave it to him to do something this embarrassing He was just reaching the last book when another grip made him freeze. ...There was another hand on the book, right next to his. He looked up and froze at the sight of red eyes and smile looking right at him.

"Here. Allow me to help you out there."

"Uh..."

The smiling figure without another word, stood, turned to the shelf next to them and gently placed the book back with the rest. Before smiling back down to the still crouched monster. ...And raised a brow. "Are you comfortable down there?" He immediately stod up with a small squeak and the other chuckled good naturdly. "Well, now I can see you better. Looks like you had quite the mess to clean up there."

"Um..Y-Yeah. T-T-Thank you," he managed to squeak out. Making the other guy laugh again. This guy was...tall to say the least. Or at least taller than his small self. And his features were, pardon the term, heavenly. And he nearly swallowed his tongue when he chuckled again at his stunned silence. "Well, I can tell you don't need my help anymore. I'll leave you to your own-"

"Chara!" His squeaky voice forced out making the taller monster pause. He cleared his throat quickly. "U-Um. I-Im Dominic."

He blinked a couple times before reaching out his hand to shake Chara's. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Chara. You may call me Asriel." Chara’s face flushed a slight bright green and smiled nervously. “Y-You too!” Asriel smiled and finally let go of his hand. “I hate to be rude and cut our meet up short, but Im afraid I have business elsewhere to take care of. Please, take care of the shelves.” “O-Ok.” He gave another smile before turning and walking the opposite direction from Chara, as the human could only stare and suck in a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding.

[the-lady-amphitrite]

so if all goes well with writing this final section, chapter 3 should be up within the next couple of days! it's currently just north of 7k words so it's still within expected word count after some tweaks.

I ended up having some difficulties writing this one because the part i wanted to start this chapter on was not the part Loki agreed it should be.

consequently theres now an extra 2,700 words that weren't planned in this outline.

[wisteriabookss]

Everything wrong with ACOSF

- A c-section would kill Feyre and is impossible to do, yet when Cassian’s guts were literally hanging out of him he can get sewn up just fine?

- Rhysand upset = Feyre blowjob. Cassian upset = Nesta blowjob. Apparently there’s only one way to use our mouths to cheer up our partners.

- Gwyn mentioned multiple times that the priestesses have therapists . . .  so why doesn’t that extend beyond the library? Is that so we reserve the illusion that Feyre’s art lessons are the only therapy needed for war? 

- Amren

- SJM retconned how Rhys’s powers get passed down. In the first 3 books it was only passed down to any family member/relative, and now it can be passed to a random stranger. what was the point of this?

- am i really supposed to believe that Gwynn, Emerie, and Nesta had the power to fight off novice Illyrians in the Rite, who have been trained for hundreds of years, when they’ve only been training for a few months? how does this logically make any sense? 

- that whole High King bullshit, chile please.

- Nyx is a terrible name, sorry. Shit does not roll off any tongue. 

- oh, did I mention Amren?

- The stupid colloquialisms. This worlds been alive for eons, and they don’t have words to describe depression, anxiety, or PTSD other than trauma, yet Cassian knows what lactic acid is and what it means?

- the way there is apparently no way to fix Emeries wings that are still intact, yet Cassian was able to basically regrow his after they had been described as shredded wet paper??

- so was it because Cassian was doing all the pining the last three books that Nesta had to do all of it in this one?

- sorry, just real quick, have I mentioned Amren?

- even after all that healing Nesta still thinks herself undeserving of Cassian’s love as if he’s been a saint the whole way through

- I’m sorry but every time Nesta went, “Cassian is good, Cassian is brave, Cassian is honorable,” i’m sitting over her like, did you forget that time when he called you unlovable? 

- why oh why did miss sjm feel the need to repeat the “your mine-im yours” line with Nessian like Feysand? Its WEIRD.

- Nesta getting on her knees to apologize to Amren when Amren has been nothing but a bitch. Nesta using Amren as a shield against her problems didn’t warrant her being described as a pathetic waste of life, sorry not sorry.

- absolutely no character arc for Cassian

- Elain accusing Nesta that she only cared about how her own trauma affected her, after Nesta just tried to protect Elain from further trauma by telling her to not look for the Trove.

- Rhys refusing to believe the good in Nesta after repeatedly seeing signs of her changing. mans literally saw inside her mind when she was in the cauldron and went, “Her trauma is … I guessed,” Rhys breathed, “but it was different to feel it.”” and yet he STILL acted like an asshole after presumably understanding what was going on inside her head. 

- the relationship with Mama Archeron should have been flushed out more. It’s obvious Nesta had the best relationship with their mom, and she loved her, so why was this never discussed?

- our woke feminist queen Rhys, who once told Feyre that she is in charge of all her choices and decisions, kept secret the knowledge of her, her babies, and her husbands potential death from her “to not upset her.”

- no one apologized to Nesta?

- Briallyn plot was solved in one page after being stretched for 700 pages.

- We never got a dramatic ass scene where Nesta shows her powers against someone. That silver fire bed scene does not count, and neither does Briallyns death. Neither were big enough to hold a candle to what her power has been described as in the last two books. We DESERVED to see that power dammit.

- Nesta crying over Papa Archeron did not sit right with me. mans left you and your sisters to basically fend for yourselves, and when Nesta finally breaks down it’s over how she couldn’t save him? Not cute.

- Nesta giving back Ataraxia to Rhys, even though it’s not his to give back to, after we just had a whole moment of finding out it meant Inner Peace

- Nesta losing most of her power at the end was just stupid. Her relationship with her power needed it’s own arc as well, and that was stripped away cause of stupid Feysand and their stupid decisions, coupled with SJM’s inability to outline her books properly. 

this is all for now, comment down below if you guys wanna add anything :)

[withkun]

visage | j. jaehyun

genre: enemies to lovers... kinda? with some fluff and smut :) word count: 5.2k  pairing: reader x jaehyun warnings: graphic hetersexual sex (oral, penetration, etc), swearing, excessive world building summary: Your first day of work at your first real job began terribly. You hadn’t got enough sleep, you could barely eat your breakfast, and you managed to get lost on the way. Soon, you discover you’re working alongside serial charmer Jaehyun Jung and that he will stop at nothing to be the best. 

a/n: this is a mess im sorry lmao. i somehow managed to use jaehyun 86 times in here ... girl...

You felt completely, utterly, and hopelessly lost – all on the first day of your first real job. That morning, you awoke two hours earlier than you had to. If you had a choice, you would’ve face planted into your pillow and died right there. However, your anxiety decided against it. And with that extra time, you managed to pull off an extended morning routine. A warm, long shower. Ten-step skincare routine. Eggs, toast, and black tea. Despite your attempts to regain your confidence, all was lost as you circled the office building.

           The orientation guide you received hadn’t helped much. All you knew was that you should report to building B. Whichever building that may have been, you had no idea. Your feet grew weary and you cursed yourself for wearing heels. You rounded the corner of the office park for your fourth or fifth lap, only to be cut off by an overdressed jackass. Before you could sidestep him and continue your hopeless journey, the perpetrator turned to face you.

           “Oh, no. He’s hot,” you thought to yourself, praying your cheeks weren’t stained red. Despite wearing a well-tailored gray suit, you realized that he was likely your same age. He took in your slightly disheveled appearance, probably noting your ruffled hair and askew skirt.

           He tilted his head in the direction of the closest building. “Are you here for orientation, too?”

           Of course he had to be in your hiring class. Twenty-two and already looking like he owned the building. You nodded, then turned on your heel to rush inside. Trailing your steps, you heard him chuckle lowly.

           You finally joined the rest of the new hires in the security lobby, managing to fix your appearance before you reached the door. To your gratitude, they dressed similarly to you. Just plain business casual. The boy you met earlier definitely stood out, making the others wonder if they hadn’t dressed well enough.

           Within ten minutes, you all received security badges and shuffled into your orientation room. You preferred the back, whereas the business boy sat directly in the front. Rolling your eyes, you realized his game. You met plenty of people like him in college, ruthless climbers that destroyed everything in their paths. He knew he had to make more than an entrance, he had to make an impression.

           You grew to dislike him more and more as your training sessions progressed over the course of two weeks. An insufferable know it all, answering all the questions managers prompted. Volunteering for everything first, unafraid. You on the other hand, did not find his actions necessary. He left a glowing impression, yes, but you found it meaningless. Like hell the trainers cared about how well you completed your general training. Maybe he wanted everyone to relate this to his future performance, for you to watch out for his dominance. For you to fear him. Worst of all, he saw you struggle with the most simplistic task on your first day.

           He easily made friends within the group, as there were plenty others like him. All recent college graduates, fantastic resumes, and working for one of the best companies in the field. You, on the other hand, did not have such luck. Your social circle consisted of yourself and another quiet trainee, a quiet finance major named Doyoung. The two of you kept to yourselves and became the outliers of the group, so much to the extent that you sat alone for training sessions.

           Two weeks came and passed, and you finally received your team assignments. You found your name on the bulletin, right next to Jaehyun Jung’s. Of course. It had to be this way.

           Jaehyun approached the bulletin board aside you, and grinned as he found his name. “Looks like we’re working together,” he commented, still wearing the same expression. You realized why he appeared so happy. People like Jaehyun would not recognize someone like you as a threat. You barely appeared on his radar.

           You grit your teeth and forced a smile. “I look forward to it.”

           With your whorish luck, you found that your desks were right next to each other and you’d be essentially working back to back. You already hated being watched, and Jaehyun could easily look over his shoulder and see you struggling to keep up.

           Jaehyun settled into his seat with ease, already look at home in his new desk. You sat gingerly on your office chair, gathering your surroundings.

           Your desks sat right in the view of your department lead’s office, likely to Jaehyun’s excitement.

           Being on the same team, you and Jaehyun had the rest of your training sessions together.  Just you two and your manager. He always seemed to grasp the new concepts immediately while you merely pretended and made notes to ask Doyoung later.

           They assigned your first project sometime later, one that you and Jaehyun would have to complete jointly. You dreaded it, knowing he would try to take over the project.

           That first morning, Jaehyun was already at his desk. You glanced at your watch, nearly scoffing as you read off 6:59. Despite having the ability to make his own schedule, Jaehyun chose to arrive before seven. You collapsed into your desk chair, jealousy eyeing Jaehyun’s full coffee mug. He already had time to help himself to coffee. Typical.

           “Morning,” he greeted, fully awake and energized. “I set up a meeting for 8 today to start working on the project.”

           You powered on your desktop, mentally groaning at the hundreds of emails present in your mailbox. “That’s…fine,” you murmured, praying that you could address all your client emails in a measly hour without the aid of caffeine.

           He glanced behind him to see you hunched over and lifelessly typing. “I’ll make that 9.”

           And yet again, you were caught in a moment of weakness. Great. “Yeah, okay.”

           Those two hours passed slowly, but at least you managed to prepare a cup of tea. By 8:55, Jaehyun already settled into the conference room and wrote diagnostics on the whiteboard. All while you still went through your emails.

           You joined him, a fresh cup of tea in one hand and your laptop in another. “All right, I see that you’ve already set up the basics,” you said monotonously, nodding towards the whiteboard. “I conjured up some of my own ideas as well.” Without prompt, you rose and added a few bullet points under Jaehyun’s “approaches” section. You scanned his ideas, noting that they weren’t bad, but not what you had in mind.

           “I see,” Jaehyun commented, still standing. He put his hands on his hips, carefully mulling over the options. “They’re quite good.”

           You felt ashamed of your satisfaction for his response, but also surprise. He sounded genuine enough, but you knew that his type always had some angle to work. Prodding you board at your second option, you decided, “I think this is our best bet.”

           Jaehyun remained quiet for a moment, eyes flickering across the board. “What if we combined a couple?” he inquired. He pointed to your idea, then his. “It would streamline the process more holistically.”

           “Holistically??” you thought. You hadn’t heard that word since high school English class. It was so painfully pretentious to you.

           He went on to explain how it would work, but you were still caught up on the pure obnoxiousness of the word “holistically.”

           “Y/N,” Jaehyun tried. “Hello?”

           You blinked, finally hearing your name. “Sorry, I was thinking about how this will impact everything.” A lie, Jaehyun didn’t need to know how long you caught yourself on a single word.

           “So, what do you think?” Jaehyun leaned against the wall, eyes searching yours.

           Oh god, now you were thinking about his eyes. Pushing those thoughts aside, you answered, “So long as we put a heavy emphasis on my part, I think it’ll work.”

           He agreed and you went on, mostly working quietly. You avoided asking him questions, even when you became desperate. Jaehyun, meanwhile, tried to engage you in small talk.

           “Where did you go to college?” he asked, to which you gave him a one-word response.

           “Are you from here?”

           “Do you have a boyfriend?”

           “What was your major?”

           You barely answered, but he failed to get the point until he finally inquired to something relevant. “Did I do something that offended you?”

           You drew in a breath, fumbling for the right words. If you were honest with him, you wouldn’t have to put on a façade. If you lied, you wouldn’t get on his bad side. Even pretty boys like him could be ruthless if given the opportunity and reason. You saw it before, you knew you would see it all over again.

           “No,” you decided, pulling on a tight-lipped smile. “I just want to do really well on this.”

           That last part, at least, wasn’t a lie. You felt that you had to prove yourself, especially against the Jaehyuns of the world. If only briefly, you saw his relief. His face relaxed a little, and his shoulders lost some tension. “Me too,” he agreed.

           The following month went on similarly. You completed the project quietly, only interjecting to make corrections and provide your input. When you finally reached the day of your presentation, your nerves caught you once more. You woke up far too early and arrived at the office at the same time as Jaehyun. A new record.

           If he was on edge, you couldn’t tell. Outwardly, he appeared the same. Nothing could take away his quiet glow of confidence. Jaehyun worked, unbothered, sipping his coffee almost casually.

           “Are you ready?”

           Jaehyun turned to face you. “Never been readier.”

           You raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if readier is a word.”

           With a shrug and smile, Jaehyun returned to his work again. Odd, considering he was always chatty.

           You attempted to mimic him, to work without doubts and review your notes. But your hands shook as you tried to type. You knew you couldn’t focus until you finished the presentation.

           Although you hadn’t noticed him leave, you saw him approach your desk. Jaehyun gingerly placed a styrofoam cup on your desk. Your eyes met his. “Jaehyun?”

           “Just some tea before the presentation,” he explained. “I noticed you like black tea with honey.”

           You brought the cup to your lips, delighted to find that it was the perfect temperature. For once, you didn’t care about his motive. “Thanks,” you said. And you meant it.

           He gave you wink. “We’ll be great today.”

           You hoped he was right.

           The presentation crept up on you suddenly, much faster than you had anticipated. Jaehyun found you outside the conference room, where you managers and team lead had already gathered, pacing and talking to yourself.

           “Are you okay?”

           He caught you again, there was no use in denying the truth. “Absolutely not.”

           Jaehyun laughed lowly and put a hand on your shoulder. A part of you wanted to shrug it off, but you felt a strange comfort. “I’m nervous, too.”

           You almost burst out laughing. Like hell he was nervous. But his concession, fake or real, made you feel some comfort.

           Having reeled yourself in, you entered the conference room together.

           And together, you made it through the presentation. You both had prepared excessively, ready to answer any question thoroughly. Management applauded your efforts, declaring that you had exceeded expectations. They rewarded you with a gift-card to a nearby steakhouse and urged you to celebrate together. Hastily, you attempted to invite the managers, only to be declined. They had work to complete in the office.

           Your cheeks lit up red with embarrassment, but you agreed to make reservations for that night.

           Jaehyun offered a ride over, to which you vehemently wanted to reject. Before the eyes of your manager, you took him up. You assured yourself that he was still the same person you knew. Nothing different. Nothing could’ve changed that. Seeing his car certainly helped. You never knew any recent college graduates that drove a Tesla, and yet…

           Once you arrived at the restaurant, you quickly ordered yourself a martini. You didn’t care which one, so long as it had plenty of alcohol. Jaehyun simply ordered a beer, quoting driver safety commercials. “Just this,” he promised you, then proposed a toast. “We pulled it off.”

           You drank your martini with gusto, and then prompted the waiter for another one. Jaehyun watched as you became drunk, consistently grinning as began to ramble. “You know I hate you, right?”

           Your question caught him off guard. “You hate me?”

           With a smile, you brought the martini glass to your lips. “You’re too perfect and try too hard.” His expression fell, but you forged on. For months, he made you feel inadequate and beyond anxious. You befuddled mind justified this bluntness. “Every day feels like a goddamn competition.”

           Jaehyun reached across the table, taking your hand. “I had no idea,” he admitted quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

           “It’s whatever. You’re no different from most in our hiring class.”

           With a sigh, Jaehyun took an elongated sip from his beer. “They’re not all bad.”

           Despite the alcohol coursing its way through your system, you realized that a few strands of hair fell out of place. He hunched over, brows furrowed, lost in thought. It wasn’t the first time you saw that either. Just out of your periphery vision, you saw him buried in work while you finished the project. 

           Jaehyun swept his hands through his hair. The way he bit his lip made you wonder if he was holding himself back. And the waiter arrived with your meals before you could muster a response.

           You sat in silence, Jaehyun haphazardly cutting his steak. He refused to look at you.

           As you absentmindedly twirled your pasta onto your fork, Jaehyun finally spoke up. “I’m not perfect, and you’re not easy to work with either.”

           “Excuse me?” You couldn’t conceal your anger at this sentiment.

           Jaehyun met your gaze, eyes determined. “You had to control every part of the project. Had everything your way.”

           That, you had heard before. And you absolutely hated it. “We did well on the project because of me,” you said defensively. “Lest you forget.”

           The two of you went on bickering like this, angrily finishing your meals and drinks. The waiter hesitantly approached your table, and you demanded the check. The sooner you could leave, the better.

           Once paid, you managed to not storm out of the restaurant. But you wore a disgruntled expression and balled your fists.

           You reached your work parking lot, and instantly ejected yourself from the Tesla. It wasn’t until you reached your car, however, that you realized that you didn’t have your keys. Probably left it in the passenger seat.

           Angrily, you stomped back to Jaehyun’s space where he twirled the keys around his index finger. “I’m not letting you drive. You drank too much.”

           You gritted your teeth. “I sobered up plenty.”

           Jaehyun approached you and held a square device in front of him.  “Well, then you can prove it.”

           You yanked the breathalyzer from him, not bothering to ask why he had it. Made sense for someone like him. With a groan, you realized he was right. 0.1.

           Not wanting to admit it, you continued your enraged march to the nearby retention pond where a lone bench sat in front of the water. You crossed your arms, and bitterly stared at the water from there.

           Jaehyun followed you, leaning onto the back of the bench. “I didn’t know this place existed.”

           You laughed bitterly. “It’s because you never leave your desk. You’re always working. Always networking. Always trying something.”

           To your surprise, Jaehyun appeared to calm down from earlier. He regained his flawless demeanor. “It takes me a lot longer to do things.”

           Well that, that took you off guard. “Doing extra work,” you said, making a weak attempt to correct him.

           “No.” After a long pause, he asked, “Do you really hate me?”

           His tone made you feel some guilt. “Don’t you hate me?” you shot back, remembering his comments at the restaurant.

           “I don’t,” he affirmed. “I never have.”

           You considered that. In your college career, you made plenty of enemies with the same behavior. Those times, you ensured yourself, were valid. Those classmates never completed their work and simply didn’t care about the performance. You had been left with ten-page papers to complete on your own. You turned poorly written trash into works professors recommended for publishing. But you knew Jaehyun wasn’t the same as them at least.

           Behind Jaehyun, the sun had just begun to set. The sky lit up with orange and pink hues. “I shouldn’t have taken over the project,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. A part of you hoped he wouldn’t hear.

           “Oh,” Jaehyun said softly.

           You gave him a warning expression. “Do not let that get to your head. You came into this job with an agenda.”

           “Jesus Christ, Y/N,” Jaehyun groaned. “Where the hell are you getting these ideas from?”

           You couldn’t bear to look at him, imagining the smug look on his face as he basically told you that you were crazy. “People like you are always ruthlessly ambitious.”

           “And what am I like, then?” Jaehyun mused.

           Without skipping a beat, you explained, “Attractive, charming, overcompensating.”

           You could feel his eyes boring into the back of your head, and just knew his smug smile made another appearance. He chuckled and said, “Sounds like you.”

           “Funny,” you mocked. “Last time I checked; I’m only overcompensating less outwardly.”

           He joined you and took a seat on the bench, stretching his arm over the top of the bench. Only inches away from being on your shoulders. Disgusting. “You’re wrong.”

           Without prompt, he suggested a game of twenty questions. Jaehyun clarified his intent, stating that perhaps you misunderstood each other. Sensing your doubt, he held his pinky finger out and searched your eyes. You hesitantly connected your pinkies and brought your thumb to your lips, both promising to be truthful.

           “Do you think I’m good at my job?” you inquired first, eyes cast out to the sparkling pond.

           Almost instantaneously, Jaehyun firmly answered, “Yes.” You concealed your satisfaction, biting your lip to prevent you to smile. “Do you think I’m good at my job?”

           You replied almost as quickly, “Of course I do.”

           The questions got progressively less serious, some among the likes of favorite movies and which books you were currently reading. Somehow, you felt relaxed. Jaehyun didn’t feel like competition, but rather just a normal stupid boy. He let you have another try at the breathalyzer, and you felt relief in the .05 reading before you. At the same time, you wanted to remain beside him.

           “I don’t think I hate you anymore,” you conceded, accepting your words as truth. “If you stop coming off as perfect all the time.

           He let out a laugh, a sweet sound of joy and relief. “Hey, you come off as perfect too. You were just quiet around me.” With a devilish grin, Jaehyun ventured, “Is it because you think I’m attractive?”

           You glared at him from the corner of your eye. “Are you trying so hard because you find me attractive?” you challenged him.

           Jaehyun turned his body to face you. “That depends on whether it’s working.”

           Now games like these you didn't mind as much. A harmless game of chicken, testing your limits. Work had its difficulties, but boys? Easy. You cupped his cheek, amazed at how soft his skin felt to the touch. Your eyes met, beckoning the other to try something. "So, this is why you asked me if I was dating anyone?" you dared. "Under the guise of getting to know me and making small talk. I thought someone as perfect as you would have more...subtlety." You let the last word slip out of your mouth slowly. Registering his surprise, you continued, “I don’t forget things easily, hence why I’ve been able to hate you so long.”

           Jaehyun grinned cockily, placing your hand on his chest. You felt defined muscles straining against his button-down. Already, you figured his body would match the rest of his veneer. “You really have nerve being out here like this,” Jaehyun overserved, gesturing the office park a short walk away.

           “Oh, uncomfortable here?” you drawled playfully, then took his hand. “I know somewhere you may like.”

           You felt a wave of confidence wash over you, and you realized this what you assumed Jaehyun had always felt. Then you decided that you’d make it up to him one way or another. He followed you, only letting your hands detach as you got closer to the infamous “B” building you worked in. You noted his nervousness and gave him a reassuring smile. “Trust me,” you urged.

           Entering through the side door, you managed to avoid security. Your entry would appear on a log, but you could easily bristle over it and say that you forgot your laptop at your desk. Most of your coworkers avoided the stairs, so you led Jaehyun away from the elevator. Though, you had forgotten that you were wearing heels. You struggled up the steps by the second flight, clinging onto the railing for dear life. Jaehyun noted this, but said nothing as he swept you into his arms.

           “I wish you did on the first floor,” you joked. “Or maybe I could’ve just taken them off.”

           Jaehyun refused to let you down until you reached the fourth floor. Whenever you found yourself in a vulnerable state, you hid out beside the decommissioned wing. The unused nursing room featured its own bathroom and a small futon. Having visited the location so often, you knew that the cleaning staff rarely came by. You asked once and discovered that they only visit at the beginning of the month. No one else ever came by in your experience. It appeared that only you knew about this place, and now Jaehyun. “This is where you run away to,” he deciphered. “I always thought it was the café.”

           “I prefer privacy.” You leaned against the door as Jaehyun took in his surroundings. “And I wanted to go somewhere you couldn’t find me.”  

           He fell back onto the futon, looking at you in awe. “Just when I think I know you.”

           You fumbled for the lock behind you until you heard a distinct click. “Do you remember when you first met me? When I was so stupid and got lost?”

           Jaehyun rose, appearing concerned. “I didn’t know. I just thought you were cute.”

           He cornered you against the door, body close enough to feel your shaky breath. All that time just hating him when you could’ve been seducing him for the purpose of hindering his goals and ultimately find the truth much sooner. You wasted so much time, held so much resentment. In front of you, you saw a seemingly perfect boy study your movements, waiting. A position you would have never imagined yourself mere hours before. Yet, you saw it all in hindsight and perhaps always knew the truth. It was then that you decided that you didn’t want to play games anymore or mull over an agenda.

           Jaehyun angled his chin downwards, gazing into your eyes with a mix of emotions. Excitement, fear, desire. You kissed him, gently and slowly. More carefully, you wanted to know him in this way. Feel the way his lips moved against yours, his increasing heart rate. He rested his hands on your hips, gripping them as if he couldn’t support himself without them. Soon after, you wrapped your arms around his neck and gradually deepened the kiss. These moments you shared felt like high school, so unassuming and simple.

           You pulled away, resting your forehead on his. You caught your breath and entangled your fingers with his. “I’m sorry,” you murmured.

           He idled, drawing kisses down your cheek and neck. “For what?” Jaehyun ventured.

           “For not knowing you until now, and maybe still not knowing you.”

           With his thumb, he drew circles on the back of your hand. “Do you want to know more?” he asked, his voice quietly sultry.

           “Yes,” you whispered. With this admission, Jaehyun’s butterfly kisses became more daunting. He crashed his lips upon yours and held you closer. Your tongues soon met, messier and carelessly. Feeling daring, you ran your hand under his shirt, digging your fingernails against his abs. A bit lower, and you realized he was straining against his slacks. 

Jaehyun bucked under your touch, gasping against your lips. You gripped his clothed cock with more certainty than before and Jaehyun fumbled to reach your breast. Still against the door, you held each other. “We’re lucky this room is soundproof,” you commented, noting your precarious position. 

Not waiting for his response, you quickly undid Jaehyun’s belt followed by his zipper. You tugged his pants to his ankles and brought your attention to boxer-brief covered erection as you supported yourself on your knees. Laying a flat tongue against his balls, you drew a line from shaft to tip. He sucked in a sharp breath and watched you with hungry eyes as you finally removed the final layer of clothing. 

His erection sprung upwards, precum already forming. Zealously, you took the tip into your mouth and ran your tongue over the wet slit. You leaned back, seeing Jaehyun absolutely desperate as he stood over you. Continuing, you wet his dick with sloppy kisses. You wanted him to have everything, feel every part of your mouth. With one hand on the base, you craned your neck to take in more of him from the tip. You used your whole body to rock your mouth further down his dick. When he reached the back of your throat, you gagged slightly but didn’t care. Gently at first, he began to rock his hips. Becoming restless, Jaehyun held your head and pushed his erection further down your throat with messy thrusts. You looked at him with wide eyes, conveying for him to continue. 

Jaehyun instead picked you up as if you weighed nothing and placed you precariously on the couch. While naked from the waist down, you were still fully clothed. Wasting no time, Jaehyun ripped your blouse off - buttons and all flying wildly around the room. He pulled your bra cup down to reveal a nipple, to which he immediately pinched between his fingers. Already excited, he removed your black jeans and panties. Jaehyun lowered himself to your glistening pussy and brought a digit to his mouth before pushing it inside you. The penetration left you unwinding as he added another finger. He curled his fingers upwards, each push and pull hitting your g-spot. As you thrashed, he held you down with a firm hand, especially after he began sucking on your clit. In mere minutes, he brought you to your orgasm. You wished you had the words to describe the way you felt that immense pleasure, but nothing would ever be sufficient. 

Breathlessly you beckoned Jaehyun to the bathroom. “I have an IUD,” you confirmed. With your new found trust, you knew Jaehyun wouldn’t even attempt to sleep with you if he had an STD. There, you gazed at him from the mirror. Watched him approach you and run his hands up and down your body. He positioned one leg so that you were half propped over the sink and still standing on the other. Jaehyun’s dick teased your aching pussy as he dragged it from your folds to your clit to your entrance. Both facing the mirror, your eyes locked as Jaehyun pushed himself fully in you. You both drew in strained breaths. Once he ensured that you adjusted, he fucked you. Neither of you ever watched yourselves have sex, but you were even more turned on watching Jaehyun clutch onto your tit and whisper obscenities in your ear. 

“You’re so fucking hot,” he growled, burying himself deeper in you. 

Jaehyun slowed his pace, suddenly lifting you and pushing you against the wall. He supported your entire weight as he fucked you there. 

“I’m going to ride you,” you said breathily, to which Jaehyun obliged immediately. He sat up straight on the futon, leading you to his cock once more. In that position, you put yourself to work. You bounced atop his dick, only stopping to grind your clit against his pelvis. You came unexpectedly, the sensation getting fucked and stimulating your clit becoming too much for you. Jaehyun and you both were surprised when a stream of liquid sprung out of you. 

With his mouth agape, Jaehyun looked at you. “You can squirt?”

Before that moment, you would’ve answered that no, you couldn’t squirt since you never had. Until then. He registered your shock and turned you so that your back rested against the futon. Jaehyun hovered over you, hair askew and face reddened. You imagined that you appeared the same. He kissed you, breathing “I don’t know how I got so lucky,” on your lips. 

Jaehyun unraveled quickly in this position, and you urged him to come on your tits. Following his orgasm, you attempted to clean yourselves up in the bathroom. “Everything smells like sex,” you observed, frivilously spraying Febreeze everywhere you could. Between futon cushions. The door handle, Jaehyun’s general direction. You didn’t realize you were shirtless until you saw a mess of buttons on the floor. 

A weak solution, but Jaehyun offered you his suit jacket. You’d have to walk out of the building crossing your arms and praying a nipple wouldn’t escape, but something. Once the room was clean, Jaehyun and you fine-tuned your own appearances in the bathroom. Neither of you looked refined or polished, but human. 

“I want more,” you admitted. 

At the same time, Jaehyun asked, “Can I buy you dinner?”

You shook your head. This version of Jaehyun, the one messily fucking you in an office nursing room, you preferred. “I just want to spend time with you.” 

Jaehyun smiled and agreed.

You left the room separately as to not arouse any suspicion. Jaehyun met you outside your car, once more carelessly spinning your keys. The sun had set by that time, leaving you both shrouded in moonlight. Despite the sun’s absence the air remained warm and inviting. “We’re going stargazing,” you decided. “After we change.” 

Jaehyun arrived at the agreed upon park first, sporting a loose shirt and Adidas joggers. You never had seen him dressed so casually. He already set up a blanket at the top of the hill and rested on his back. 

You wore a nearly identical outfit, and went without makeup. Normally, you hated it when your partners saw you without anything on. But you wanted Jaehyun to see this part of you, too. Despite living in a well-populated city, the stars appeared very clearly that night alongside a waxing crescent moon. 

“Do you think the managers set us up?” Jaehyun pondered, wrapping an arm around your waist as you joined him. 

“Without a doubt. And we’ll probably have to tell them about this at some point.”

And he kissed you again. How many times that night, you lost count. Looking at him, the image of the boy you met months ago flashed before your eyes. The one with the suit, the dashing smile, and dough-like dimples. You, a nervous wreck getting in her own way. 

You fell asleep on his shoulder that night, head buried in his neck as he snored quietly.  

[detectivejay-chuckles-halstead]

Nervous Breakdown // Jay Halstead x Reader

Photo by @karihighman​

Description: Jay is there when you start to break down.

Words: 1539

Warnings: None

Pairing: Jay x Reader

A/N: So, this I wrote for me. The schedule Reader talks about is my actual schedule. The sign offs are the things I actually need. This was me last night, except I didn’t have someone like Jay to talk me down from my nervous break down, I just had it and then had to be at my clinical this morning (which I’m still at btw lol). But yeah. Hope you enjoy. And if my posting is sporadic in the next month or so, this is why. 

“Come to bed,” Jay told you softly, leaning on the doorframe of your bedroom with his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at you with papers spread across the floor, couch, and coffee table. 

Your movements were frantic as you tried to organize them all, trying to figure out the best system to keep everything together. Every section was chronologically ordered for the online documentation, paper clips holding each stack together. Then, there were the colored sheets that had even more important signatures on them. You had to make sure everything was in order as class was drawing to an end. 

“I’ll sleep when I’m done, Jay,” you snapped at him before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“I know.” He walked over, stepping around the stacks before sitting directly behind you in the only place clear of paper. “Come here.” 

You couldn’t stop yourself from leaning back into his chest, his arms wrapping around you. Grounding you as your mind went a mile a minute. You also couldn’t stop yourself from grabbing your calendar, flipping it open to this month.

“What’s the schedule look like?” His chin rested on your shoulder as he looked at the planner. 

“I have to help with the EMT class Saturday from seven to three. Then I start my shift at work at eight tomorrow night. Then, work Sunday night. So I’m going to try and catch up on some sleep on Sunday. I have my exam in Med Emergencies on Monday. Then, I have an ambulance clinical AM shift at seven. Same on Wednesday. A quiz in Med Emergencies on Thursday. Then, I work Thursday night. Off at eight on Friday morning, but I picked up a shift from two to ten Friday day. Then, ambulance clinical on Saturday AM shift. 

Same with that next Sunday. A quiz in Med Emergencies on the seventeenth. Then work that night. Work the night of the eighteenth, but I’m off at four in the morning instead of my usual eight. Mainly because I have an OR clinical on the nineteenth from seven to three. But then I work that night, off at five on the twentieth because I have an exam in Med Emergencies that day. Ambulance clinical AM shift on the twenty-first. Twenty-second, I have an ER shift from seven to three, then I work that night. Work Sunday night, so I’m going to try to catch up on sleep that day. 

Twenty-fourth I have another exam in Med Emergencies. Ambulance AM shift on the twenty-fifth and sixth. Then, we review for our Final in Med Emergencies, but I work that night. I’ll get off at six to get to my ambulance clinical on the twenty-eight at seven. I work that night, but off at five to get to my Maternal-Fetal Truck shift by eight. 

On the thirtieth, I have an ER shift from three to eleven. The thirty-first, I have my final in Med Emergencies, and then work that night. Off the day of the first, but I work that night. Then, an ER shift at three on the second. Then, I work that night, but I’m going to try to switch shifts just because my ER shift won’t finish until eleven. The third, we have our student evals. The fourth, I’m helping the junior class with their Ops day, and then I have an ambulance clinical that night. Off the fifth, but work that night. Off the sixth, but work that night. Seventh is labor day, so completely free. ER shift on the eighth at three. Then, on the ninth, OR shift at seven.

“After that, I don’t know because we haven’t signed up for our capstone. Which all of this,” you said, motioning to the mess of papers, “is me getting everything in order to make sure I have everything done and what I still need. Because we can’t start capstone until all of our skills check offs are done, and we’ve hit all of our demographics.”

“What do you have left to do for your skills?” That question got you to sigh, putting the planner down and grabbing a notebook. You had to push your glasses back up on your face as you looked down at your messy handwriting. 

“Five peer reviews for pediatric intubations. Two peer reviews for needle cricothyrotomy. Three peer and two instructor reviews for trauma assessment. Five peer reviews for trauma intubations. Two instructor reviews for joint splinting -- which I’m already an EMT, why the Hell do I have to sign off on the BLS stuff again? Same with long-bone. I need one peer review and two instructor for traction splint. Again, BLS bullshit. Seven peer reviews for medical and cardiac scenarios. Eleven peer reviews for IV starts, and one instructor. One instructor for IV piggyback. Five peer reviews for IO. Oh, and another instructor. Three peer for IM injection. Three peer for synchronized cardioversion. One peer for defibrillation. Three peer transcutaneous pacing. Four peer reviews and one instructor for adult team lead scenarios. Five peer reviews and one instructor for pediatric team lead scenarios. Eleven peer reviews for being a team member. Three peer reviews for being a team leader for geriatric scenarios. Six peer and one instructor reviews for adult physical assessments. And finally. Six peer and one instructor review for pediatric assessment,” you read off, letting the paper fall to the ground. 

He held you a little tighter. You felt bad. With all the stress you’d been under for the past month, and with how crazy his job was, the two of you hadn’t gotten to spend a lot of time together. And the next month was going to be even crazier. 

“When are you supposed to start your capstone?” He pressed a kiss to your neck, your eyes fluttering closed in response. 

“They want us to start September Ninth, but I’m going to be the last one who gets to sign up because I’m so far behind! Everyone is going to pick the cool preceptors, and I’m going to get stuck with the ones nobody else wants,” you vented before huffing in frustration. 

It was indeed very frustrating, stressful, and downright annoying that you were so far behind compared to everyone else. That’s what happens when you have to be off for six weeks because you tore your knee. Now, it was a constant game of catch-up. 

“Just breathe when I breathe,” Jay instructed in that calming voice, following his breathing pattern. It got your heart rate down as tears came to your eyes, despite your internal protests. You were on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Maybe you should email your instructor?” he suggested when you had your breathing under control on your own.

“And have her take me off all my clinicals and reschedule everything? No. No fucking way. I can’t just email her and schedule my nervous breakdown, Jay. She was very clear in first semester that if we took on too much and couldn’t handle it, she’d take us off our clinicals and completely reschedule everything. I can’t do that, Jay. I can’t because then I’ll be even further behind.” You were talking a mile a minute, Jay taking a deep breath behind you. You took the hint and matched your breathing again. 

“Okay, then don’t email her. But, I want you to come to bed right now. It’s two in the morning. You have an ambulance clinical in five hours. You need your sleep. All of this will be waiting for you when you come home tonight,” he insisted. You didn’t want to, but you knew he was right. 

The two of you stood up, walking into the bedroom. You couldn’t help it as you collapsed on the bed with a groan, much more comfortable than the hard floor in the living room. He wasted no time in joining you, pulling you close again. This time, you were able to see his face at least, tracing his features gently with soft fingertips. You missed him. 

“How about we do something Labor Day? Just you and me to destress a bit?” you asked, Jay nodding in agreement before lips met gently. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” he said with a soft chuckle, kissing you again. “But you’re almost done. This is the worst of it. After your final, you’re pretty much done with lecture. Capstone is your last hoorah. Then, your tests and you’ll finally be a paramedic after over a year. Doing this through a pandemic. Through all your family crap. I’m proud of you.”

“You really know how to sweet talk a lady,” you joked, resting your head on his chest.

It was the exact thing you needed to hear. Jay always knew what to say. You were so close to being done. Then, you’d be in your dream career. All the hard work was going to be worth it. The thousands of hours in clinicals, the hundreds of hours in class. The countless sleepless nights and caffeine filled days. Yes. It would be all worth it. Just a couple more months to go. And Jay was by your side.

[duhliriouss]

Gotham’s Little Prince:

Part One

A Request For: @jokers-doll Here you go Doll, I hope you like this first part :)

Summary: Y/N finds out she’s pregnant with Joker’s baby. Terrified of how he will react, she hides the evidence until she can muster up the courage to tell him.

A/N: Buckle up because this is more than just a story of reader telling Joker she’s pregnant. There’s aftermath, protection and a beautiful birth❣️this was supposed to be a one shot but I got carried away like always 🖤

Beta Reader: @arthur-flecks-lovely-smile thank you again! Im so glad I found you ❣️ The perfect Beta Reader. Everyone should check out her work too, it’s amazing and it inspires me :)

Word Count: 2,934

Warnings: Mentions of Sex, Swearing, Pregnancy, Mentions of Violence

You were tired, exhausted actually. After Joker had overthrown Gotham, you have both worked tirelessly day in and day out to get where you have gotten in this very moment.

And there you were - standing outside on the balcony of Wayne’s Manor, with your hands on the railings looking out over the trees at the cities buildings that stood tall in the distance. Even though it was right outside the city, it was the perfect place for a king and his queen. This is where you and Joker lived now after hearing of the Wayne families death, and a luxury it was. How ironic it had been that you both had everything you could possibly ever dream of; a warm bath in a marble tub that blended with the white marble floors, grapes picked right off the vine for you and Joker to share after a long day, aged wine worth hundreds, a magnificent California king size bed with a canopy of dark red drapes cascading down the frames. Everything, everything except the daily doses of Gotham’s chaos. It was too peaceful here for you and your king sometimes. 

So that is why you stood where you were in this moment, Joker and Your’s favorite spot, the only spot in the manor to be able to still see the tall structures as they inundated with the smoke that rose from Gotham’s streets.

You usually accompanied Joker during his daily tasks and crimes. He’s been a busy man since this all started, usually making sure his followers were keeping guard around the entire city’s borders.

No one comes in... and nobody leaves.

But you have stayed behind this past week and a half, you weren’t feeling well. You blamed it on your upcoming period since you tended to belong to the unlucky kind of woman who couldn’t even get out of bed during their cycle. Though your period never came, and you have grown worried. Joker has been very stressed recently so you haven’t dared to talk to him about your own distresses and concerns.

It was unlike you to keep things from Joker. You first met when you were walking home from work one day. You saw a clown dancing happily to piano music on the street with a sign reading “EVERYTHING MUST GO”. You watched him as you came closer only to find a group of punks stealing his sign and running away with it. You quickened your steps and followed as the clown chased after the teenagers. After a couple blocks you thought you had lost sight of his bright colored getup. Ready to give up, you went to turn around until you saw him laying almost lifeless down the ally in front of you. You saw no sight of the punks so you started to run until you were close enough to kneel down by the clown. You helped him up and brushed off the asphalt that stuck to his clothes.... and the rest has been history.

You sighed deeply, still flicking your (y/e/c) eyes to the buildings in the distance. You held your tummy as your mind rambled anxiously. You knew it was possible you could be pregnant. Joker wasn’t one to care for protection or pulling out. And neither were you for that matter. The sensation was just too staggering to give a shit. You were both so impulsive, you were perfect for each other.

As you looked out your mind continued to ramble with thought after thought. Joker was out there in between those buildings somewhere. You were planning on going out to get a pregnancy test without being seen by anybody. This would be a difficult task since everyone knew who you were, everyone knew you were Joker’s Queen.

You took one last sigh before turning on your heels to go back inside. You scurried down the hallways and corridors to your bedroom to change your clothes into something that would make you less noticeable. After a couple minutes of searching you found a oversized black coat that had probably belonged to Thomas Wayne. You also picked out some black jeans you owned. You quickly got dressed and took a look in the mirror, taking your (y/h/c) hair and pulling it behind your head to tuck it in the back of the coat. You then reached over and grabbed a clown mask, setting it over your face before pulling up the hoodie over your head. You felt confident that you could get away with this look and blend in.

And with that you were off, leaving the building with ease without being seen by any of the “guards” that Joker had stationed around your new home. You were allowed to leave whenever you wanted but you didn’t want to chance any of them telling Joker you had left. You had imagined beforehand what it would be like; Coming home early only to find one of his henchman tattling to him before he could even reach the main doors. Revealing to him how you were spotted leaving, without a return. You knew he would be very concerned for your wellbeing. You’d rather just come clean now than have to make Joker go through such affliction.

Your walk was longer than usual since you stayed in the shadows. You took allies that weren’t occupied and kept your head down as protesters and rallies passed. You entered the first convenient store you saw. You didn’t have to buy anything right now In this city as the mayhem was at its peak recently. No one was working since it was too dangerous. Almost all stores had smashes in the window and most people looted as they pleased. You walked straight in through the window and found the feminine section fairly quickly. You took what you needed and left and fast as you came.

You were home safe without being noticed by a soul. You peeled the clothes off putting them back where you found it and changed back into your dark blue polka dot flare dress. You walked straight to a bathroom that usually wasn’t used by Joker and Yourself. You lifted your dress and sat down, staring down at the box that contained the test. You felt unsure now.

Did you really want to know right now? What if it’s positive? How will your beloved Joker react?

Your heart started to pound in your ears as these new thoughts rose throughout you. You couldn’t see this being a positive outcome. You really didn’t want to see Joker mad. He was so unpredictable with his emotions that sometimes you didn’t even know if you knew him. He’s not Arthur anymore. However, Joker was still very tender towards you. Warm and gentle for the most part. But you also knew certain things caused him to lash out. You actually loved how unpredictable he was at times. It made everything new and exciting. But right now you were seeing how this could be a not so great and not so thrilling thing.

You were feeling dizzy now. Your mind going a mile a minute, you tried to get your breathing under control.

“You can do this. Joker will still love you no matter what. Just take the test.” You consoled softly to yourself.

You took a few more deep breaths before opening the box. 1980’s pregnancy tests were test tubes that took 2 hours before showing results. So you were in for a very tense wait. And a nervous one at that since you were never sure when Joker was going to be home. You did everything you were supposed to do. You shook the urine in the test tube and placed it behind the toilet on the floor for no one to see. You took the box and crinkled it up inside out, discarding it deep in the trash. Now all there was to do was wait. And it WAS a very tense wait. You made a mental note to keep your eye on the clock for when it was ready to check.

You tried to keep your mind off of it by watching tv, a fail. You paced the halls over and over with your hands clenched behind your back. You even went outside to get fresh air and smell the roses that had begun to wilt outside. You were running out of ideas to ease this edge. And oh so badly did you need a cigarette right now. You usually smoked almost as much as Joker but you haven’t dared the past few days. Joker actually noticed this the other day and questioned you to see if everything was alright. Only then did you stutter out an excuse by saying your throat was scratchy and it made it worse. And what a stupid excuse it was, initiating your guilt as he ran to make you herbal tea with tender kisses for the rest of the night.

You went back inside to check the clock.

30 minutes left

With a impatient huff, you went to go try and watch tv again In the bedroom. You walked down the hallway for what seemed like the 80th time today and turned to step into the bedroom. You gasped, jumping backward when you saw that Joker was standing right there. He saw that he’d startled you. He reached his arms out for you, a smirk evidently written on his face.

“My sweet darling girl, how I’ve missed you today”

You straightened yourself out and smiled sheepishly. He always made you a blushing mess. You skipped over and let yourself fall into his arms. He instantly scooped you up with ease, making you instinctively wrap your legs around him and letting your head fall over his shoulder. He wasn’t much taller than you but he still always managed to hold and carry you comfortably.

“I’ve missed you too. And you’re home so early.” You tried to hide the nervousness in your voice.

He started to draw circles on your back as he spoke. “A clown can only do so much crime my love. Besides, I thought I’d surprise you with something tonight since you haven’t been feeling well.” His voice cracked huskily.

Your body sunk heavier into him. You didn’t know your guilt could make you feel this culpable. You leaned back to look in Joker’s green orbs as he held you, putting on your best fake smile.

“What is it?”

“Stay here doll while I go get it for you, I left it in the kitchens”

Joker placed you down gently and began to make his way out the door, stopping at the door frame. He kept his gaze forward as he spoke. “Don’t move a muscle, I know how sneaky you can be, my little squirrel”

You smiled sheepishly one last time until he was out of site. Joker knew you all too well, seeing how you poked your head around the doorframe until he was out of site again. You were confident you had enough time to race down back to the bathrooms and check on your fate. The bathrooms were much closer than the kitchens. You couldn’t wait any longer. You took your first sharp right turn down another coordinator, making your way to the end before taking another sharp right which led off to the bathroom. As you took your last turn you stopped in your tracks instantly as you saw Joker standing right outside the bathroom doors talking to one of his female followers that helped keep guard around the building. You hid yourself around the corner and poked your head out slightly to listen. They didn’t notice you.

“Why are you showing me this? I don’t even know what that is”

“It’s a pregnancy test Sir, I don’t know who’s it is but it’s positive, just figured I’d show you before tossing it out”

You leaned your back fully against the wall around the corner now. Your hands found your mouth to muffle your sobs as tears poured down your cheeks. Not only did you just find out you were pregnant, but this was also not the way you wanted your Joker to find out. How was he going to react now, Keeping it from him like that?

Will he even still love me? he’s THE Joker. The infamous man that’s killed multiple under his own will. Why would a man like him want a baby with someone like me? Especially in such a disorderly world that we have created together. He’s going to make me leave this place. Probably force me to move somewhere else far away to somewhere safer. I’ll never see him again!

Your eyes were scrunched tightly closed. You let your hair fall messily around your face as you continued to muffle your sobs with your hands. You were so caught up in the shock you didn’t think to run away. And you didn’t notice Joker was standing right in front of you now.

“Y/N...”

Your breath caught in your throat. You slowly started to take your hands away from your mouth. You kept your head down with your arms stick straight by your sides, your hands balled up in little fists. You peaked your eyes up to look your destiny in the face. Your eyes began to dart around his face, desperate to find any emotion apparent on his features. But... nothing. You couldn’t see any emotion. His red painted lips displayed a thin line. His eyes showed emptiness, not even the green in his irises were visible.

Joker watched your eyes dart around him desperately. He knew it was your test. Why else would you be hiding around the corner in a complete dismantled mess? He cleared his throat and tried one more time.

“Y/N, answer me”

You finally let go and burst into tears. Covering your whole face with your hands and sobbing as you pleaded. “I’m so sorry!! I didn’t know either and I was just coming to check. I promise I was going to tell you today! I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry I left this place by myself and stole the test without telling you! I know I should have told you my worries sooner but... you’ve just been so stressed recently and so busy I didn’t want to bother you or stress you more. Please forgive me Joker! Please don’t make me leave this city! I love it too much now! I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what to do”

Your head stayed down as you sobbed and hyperventilated between each sentence as you cluttered. Joker watched you with his lips slightly parted without interrupting your break down. After you were finished, you continued to breath heavy and brought your hands up to wipe your tears with your balled fists. A couple seconds had passed without hearing a response from him, which caused you look up to see if he was even still there.

He was, but his features still looked emotionless to you. Maybe a little bit shocked? You opened up your mouth to speak again but was stopped short when Joker’s laughs began to fill the corridor, echoing down the halls. His face showed a semi wide grin as he laughed louder, placing his hand on his chest. He didn’t look mad, he also didn’t seem very sympathetic to you in this moment either. And it definitely wasn’t a laughing attack. It sounded like his real, true laugh. They started to die down into giggles as he wiped the tears from his face. This all hit you hard in the chest.

“I think I’ll go no—“

You were interrupted as Joker scooped you up in an immense hug. Swirling you around a couple times before stopping to sway you back and forth, drawing circles on your back like he did in your bedroom.

“My dear Y/N...You really are a sneaky little squirrel”

You couldn’t speak. Your mind bounced around to what the hell was going on. You felt comforted however as he held and swayed you before bringing his head back to look at you. None of this was what you were expecting.

“Look at me.” His voice was calm

You leaned back as he did and looked into eyes. You could see his green oceans now. And you could still see the tears in his eyes from laughing.

“My little squirrel, do you see these tears?”

“Yes...”

“They’re tears of joy darling, I would never be angry over something like this”

“Y-you’re really not mad?” You stuttered through your new found tears.

“Of course not.” He cooed in his high pitched voice. He began to walk forward until your back was against the cool wall, leveraging you as he still held you to free one of his hands, gently placing it over your tummy as he spoke more. “I put a prince in your belly”. He said it in a British accent, causing you to giggle.

“How do you know? It could be a princess!”

“I just have a feeling. But we shall see darling”

You couldn’t stop smiling now. And neither could joker. You started to feel a little silly for being so worried in the first place. You both cried happily as you brought your head into his chest, taking in his scent that smelled like cigarettes, mint, and blood. Joker took his hand off your tummy and brought you closer, placing his hand in your hair now to slightly stroke the (y/h/c) strands.

“Is that why you haven’t been smoking?”

“Yeah..” you replied innocently

“So sneaky...”

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff | Smut

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 3,006

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​

Chapter 39: Not Today

“Today we’ll never die. The light will pierce through the darkness.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Myeongdong; Jung District South Korea

It was the calm before the storm.

Hoseok could feel it in his bones to the point where he swore that they creaked with each step he took. He barely heard what Namjoon was telling him as they approached the large building in downtown Myeongdong. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince him to change his mind; to postpone this meeting for another day. Or if it was something else entirely. Hoseok was only vaguely aware of the noises on the streets as they passed pedestrians on the path to their destination.

There was too much simmering beneath the surface for him to focus on anything outside of reaching his destination.

When he’d received the call from Taehyung a couple of days ago, Hoseok knew it was time for him to make his move. Yoongi falling ill and being hospitalized, even for a day, should have been the metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s back. Truth be told, Hoseok was in and out of meetings for most of the days during the week and had little time to spare outside of his business practices. Things were starting to look good. Things were finally beginning to take a positive turn, just as they planned.

Even with the instances that the Jade Fangs did show up, they were minor inconveniences at most. Hoseok was made aware of the slight against Eden, Jungkook’s girlfriend. He offered to have her monitored, but at Jungkook’s behest, he didn’t follow through. Eden was apparently a woman who valued her personal life and her privacy. The last thing she wanted was anyone shadowing her unnecessarily, even if it was for her own protection. From what he was told, Eden was also a woman who could more than handle herself if it came to a rough and tumble fight.

Hoseok did not pull his eyes back from Raelyn, even if she was seeing Taehyung now. There was always the chance that something could happen and at a moment when everyone least expected it. If she were ever made aware of it, he would apologize for it later. In this case, it was better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Old habits die hard, as they say…

Feet shuffled to a halt as he stood in front of the large building, Namjoon at his side. The two of them looked up at the high-rise, the sun already sinking beyond the horizon and down below the tree lines. The twilight hour was upon them and the world was still just as busy buzzing with life. As it would continue to do for many days to come.

Clearing his throat, he began to move forward – approaching the sliding glass doors. “Let’s go,” he said just as the doors opened to grant them entrance.

Two security guards approached them from either side, causing the two men to stop in the main lobby. Hoseok lofted a brow at each of them and Namjoon shuffled just a little bit closer to him. His tan trench coat hung off his shoulders while he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pin-striped slacks. Lifting one hand from the pocket, he undid the button on the matching suit jacket as he slid his aviators off his face.

“Im Changkyun is expecting me,” came his even reply as he put the shades into the inner pocket of his jacket, “so be good boys and step aside.”

Hoseok didn’t bother hiding his irritation. He wanted it known that this wasn’t some pleasant little business meeting or a check-in visit. This was nothing of the sort.

This…was personal.

A phone rang at the secretary’s desk, snapping her out of her momentary trance at the small incident that was stirring in the lobby. The two security guards continued to block Hoseok’s path, but then the woman quickly stood from her seat and bowed before hanging up the phone. She clapped her hands to get the guards’ attention.

“Chairman Im said to let them through.”

The guards stood there a little while longer before finally stepping to the side, giving both Hoseok and Namjoon a clear path. They approached the desk where the young woman handed Hoseok a keycard. She bowed in apologies before pointing to the corridor off to the right.

“If you take that hallway, there are sets of elevators. The key card will give you access to the Chairman’s office on the top floor.”

Hoseok flashed her a polite grin, waving the card at her clamped between his fingers. “Thank you.”

And without so much as a second glance, he began heading toward the hallway. Namjoon followed behind him, making sure that the two security guards weren’t intent on doing something stupid. Hoseok didn’t see his friend visibly relax until they were alone in the elevator.

He slid the keycard through the card reader, waiting for the elevator to begin lifting them from the ground floor. When it jerked slightly upon its initial ascent was when Namjoon finally spoke.

“Hoseok-ah? Do you think—”

“Don’t, Namjoon-ah,” he interrupted, staring ahead at their muddied reflections on the elevator’s stainless-steel doors, “not now.”

“We didn’t even discuss this with the others.”

There was concern in Namjoon’s voice, which was well-warranted. It was rare for Hoseok to go rogue. When he did, it was usually something small. He never made moves like this without discussing it with the others first. Seokjin always made it a point to ensure that everyone was on the same page so that none of them could get blind-sided. Strategizing and prioritizing situations before others was what helped the Golden Jackals climb up the ladder of success so quickly. Impulsivity had no place in their lives back then and it shouldn’t have now.

However, this time, Hoseok wanted to be selfish. He’d earned the right to be selfish. He deserved and had every right to be as livid as he was at that moment. Anyone who tried to tell him otherwise was delusional.

“This doesn’t concern them right now.” He cast a sidelong glance to Namjoon, brows furrowing deeply. “Honestly, I don’t even like that you’re with me. You should have stayed in the car like I told you to.”

Namjoon blinked at him, clearly jarred by his words. Or that he’d suddenly grown a second head. “You thought you’d just waltz into Im Changkyun’s business office alone, huh?” He snorted. “Yeah, no. Jin Hyung would have my head and I’m a pretty big fan of it staying attached to my neck.”

Hoseok grinned. “That’s not like you, Namjoon-ah. You’re usually the first one to show your guts.”

“Yeah, well that was then. This is now.”

The elevator dinged softly as they reached their destination. The steel doors slid open slowly, revealing a long hallway with a black and red carpet leading from the elevator to a pair of double doors at the very end of the long stretch. There was someone standing just outside the door, but they were too far away to be made out easily.

Hoseok stepped out and strode forward, Namjoon matching his pace. The closer they got to the end of the hallway, the more the person’s face standing just outside the door came into view. When they were only a couple of yards away, they could now tell it was Shownu. He looked between the two of them, a satisfied smirk etching his features. Hoseok peered up at the man who was older and slightly taller than him. His image from five years ago overlapped his current one and a phantom ache throbbed at Hoseok’s side from when he’d been kicked by the man in the rainstorm.

Shownu politely stood away from the door, gesturing toward it. “He’s waiting for you, Jung Hoseok.”

He nodded, casting his gaze over toward Namjoon. “Wait here.”

Namjoon looked like he was about to protest, but then Shownu placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Let’s get a drink, hm? I’m sure they’re going to have a lot to discuss.”

Again, Namjoon looked reticent. But Hoseok nodded, his earlier expression dissolving into a softer one. He saw his friend blink in surprise. He could only imagine what his face looked like, but it probably reflected an old version of himself he hadn’t shown in quite some time. After a moment, he watched Namjoon sigh before nodding.

“If you need anything, call me.”

Hoseok nodded again. “I will.”

He waited, watching the two men make their way back down the hall. Shownu turned off to the left, entering a room and Namjoon followed. But not before he met his gaze one more time. Hoseok took a breath, promising to apologize to Namjoon later, and opened the doors.

The interior of the office was what Hoseok would have expected. Pristine. Clean. Modern. There was the traditional name plate sitting on top of a black polished desk made of expensive and imported wood. The marbling on the floor was flawless and the furniture held a business design with sectionals surrounding a glass and metal coffee table. Elegant art pieces decorated the walls and off to the right was a large window that overlooked the entire downtown area of Myeongdong from hundreds of feet in the air. A wet bar was situated near the small nook near the back.

Hoseok wasn’t impressed, however. This was to be expected of Im Changkyun, the Wolf of the Jade Fangs. He hadn’t climbed up in the ranks and obtained his title of “leader” if he wasn’t capable of this level of eloquence and prestige. His ambition suited his taste in decorating.

Instead of stepping further inside, he remained near the entrance as the doors closed behind him. Changkyun was seated at his desk, immersed in a book of some sort. The computer monitor was situated, visually, to Hoseok’s right. When their eyes met, Hoseok didn’t smile even though Changkyun did.

“Oh, Hoseok Hyung,” he said, closing the book and sliding it just to the side of him, “welcome. I’ll admit, I was a little surprised when I received your call. It’s not often you take the time to come visit me.”

Hoseok heard the bitter edge to the statement but made no effort to acknowledge it. He gave a slight shrug, remaining where he was until he saw Changkyun slowly rising from his plush leather chair. The wheels shifted along the marble floor and it was in that moment that Hoseok reached behind him to turn the deadbolt on the door – synchronizing it to match the sound of the chair’s movements.

“Your boys have been paying mine little visits here and there,” he said, stepping away from the door, “I figured that I should return the favor.”

Changkyun flashed an open-mouthed grin. “Ah, yes. Yes, they have.” He reached up to brush his dark hair out of his eyes. “Is that the reason for this, Hyung? Are the boys getting in your way?”

Hoseok scoffed. “Hardly.”

“Hmm, well that’s no good. I was hoping that was why.”

Slowly, Hoseok made his way to the left of the sectionals in the center of the office. “Because?”

“Because I’m still trying to figure you out, Hyung. I have questions and you haven’t answered them all yet.”

Changkyun’s words didn’t match his expression. Instead of looking inquisitive, he had the look of a man who appeared to have already won the game. It was a look that Hoseok remembered from many years ago – before the Golden Jackals were formed. Before they truly began to understand what the criminal underworld really looked like.

Before Im Changkyun killed the previous leader of the Jade Fangs in cold blood.

“Then let me give them to you.”

Hoseok’s body moved in a blur – matching the speed of his youth which was fueled by his anger alone. He knew he wasn’t in his twenties anymore. He hadn’t been fighting every day like he had years ago when his brothers and he first arrived in Seoul. Their lives were harder, but they were much simpler back then. When they were happier and driven to reach a future they could all obtain together.

He tapped into that feeling and rushed Changkyun’s desk – his trench coat flying off his shoulders and landing on the ground just as he went airborne. Just like that rainy night five years ago, during the gang war on the streets of Gangnam, he watched Changkyun’s smug look melt away as sudden realization washed over him instead. Hoseok cleared the chair at the head of the coffee table and landed on Changkyun’s desk in a crouch.

Jerking his right arm, the switch blade slid from the sleeve of his jacket and landed in his hand. He flicked the blade free, aiming straight for Changkyun’s neck. However, he knew that this wouldn’t be enough for the leader of the Jade Fangs. There was a reason he’d earned the nickname Wolf all those years ago. And it was because of his primal instincts.

Those very instincts came into play as he reached up to catch Hoseok’s wrist. Changkyun tried to pull his arm away from his body, attempting to keep the blade as far from his neck as possible. But just like Changkyun earned his moniker, so had Hoseok. The Death Claw didn’t back down from a fight because he’d looked The Grim Reaper in his face and spit in it.

Hoseok used his free hand to grab at his wrist, fingers locking over Changkyun’s and then pushing his weight forward. What distance was gained was soon minimized as Hoseok leaned in, the tip of the knife moving up and casting a shadow over Changkyun’s face. If he wouldn’t let him take his throat, he would jam the blade straight into his eye socket.

“H-Hyung,” growled Changkyun through clenched teeth as he glared up at Hoseok, “what do you think you’re doing?”

He could feel his arms trembling with the amount of force he was exerting. Changkyun was putting in just as much effort, causing a horrible stalemate that was on the verge of fracturing. The odds evened out as Hoseok watched him reaching up with his free hand to brace against his own wrist – mimicking each other.

“What does it look like?” Hoseok replied, his eyes narrowing darkly, “I’m answering your questions.”

He watched him blinking up at him in confusion. He was a young man Hoseok once believed to be full of potential and drive. Someone Hoseok admired years ago. Before he discovered the depth of his said ambition.

Silence stretched between them, neither of them easing off their stance or their grips. Hoseok felt a bead of sweat slip down his temple just as he saw one sliding down to drip from Changkyun’s chin. There were the occasional grunting sounds as one attempted to overpower the other, but outside of that, no words were spoken.

Changkyun finally let out a choked-out scoff, bitter disappointment evident on his features. Yet he smirked, regardless. “So, this is your answer, Hyung?”

Hoseok mirrored his gaze. “Yes, Changkyun-ah, it is.”

Something passed over the younger man’s face. But it was so brief, Hoseok couldn’t place it. At least not then.

“That’s a shame, Hoseok Hyung. A real shame.” He let out a shaky breath. “But if this is your answer, then I guess I have no choice but to continue the game without you.”

And then he moved faster than Hoseok could have anticipated. He released his hold and Hoseok felt all his weight collapsing forward. The blade nicked Changkyun’s cheek, but it was a sacrifice he willingly made. Hoseok realized this when he saw knuckles sailing toward his face. He pivoted in mid-air, changing his trajectory and his shoulder landed hard on the desk. Changkyun moved to elbow-drop him, but Hoseok whirled his legs into the air to block the assault, slamming his knee into Changkyun’s shoulder before rolling completely off the desk.

However, as he landed on the marble flooring, he felt pain exploding across his back and causing him to stumble forward. He quickly pivoted on his heels just as he saw Changkyun lowering his arm from where he’d had it extended – noting that his punch had, in fact, successfully connected. The two of them heaved, inhaling a lungful of air. Hoseok reached up to dab at the sweat on his brow with the back of his wrist.

A full minute passed before both men lowered their stances, silently agreeing that this discussion was at its conclusion. Hoseok turned to head toward the entrance, scooping up his trench coat along the way. Just as he made to unlatch the doors to the office, he heard Changkyun popping his neck before a breathy chuckle escaped.

“You’ve made yourself clear. So now I’m going to make myself clear.”

Pausing, Hoseok turned to look back at the leader of the Jade Fangs. But he chose to say nothing. Changkyun continued.

“What I do from this moment on, you no longer play a factor into it. What happens after today is a result of the answer you’ve given me. And I’m going to make good on it.”

Hoseok scoffed. “Is that right?” He rolled his eyes, unlatching the door. “We’re done playing this game with you. Do what you want.”

The grin that Changkyun gave him was the most wolfish he’d ever seen and it caused his spine to lock up uncomfortably, even for just a moment.

“Oh, I will. Trust me.” He folded his arms across his chest. “Just remember that it’s nothing personal, Jung Hoseok.”

Dropping the honorific was expected. Hoseok wasn’t surprised. So, instead of giving it credence, he simply exited the office and slammed the doors behind him. He needed to breathe. He needed air. So, for now, he would simply text Namjoon to come out when he was ready and that he’d be waiting in the car.

After he vomited his anger into a nearby bush somewhere.

[the-slut-verses]

tct final thoughts

oh boy this is gonna be a long one,,, i’m gonna begin with the things that i liked so that 1) it doesn’t feel like i just wasted my time when i could’ve been listening to literally to any of the hundreds of other podcasts im subscribed to and 2) this show did so many things right, i wouldn’t be as emotionally invested and fired up about it as i am if it was just  a purely garbage show

everyone in the cast gave just stellar performances especially adam and caleb’s actors,,, gosh that final confrontation in ep 19 where they had that big long talk about their feelings and it was so raw and real and genuine,,, how having mental baggage really just can fuck with a good healthy relationship no matter how much the people love each other and mean well

going into this show, i wasn’t looking forward to hearing about adam and caleb having been broken up cuz that just seemed, so out of character from where we last saw them in the original series,,, but i was pleasantly surprised with just how enjoyable their new dynamic as awkward exes that are still just completely in love with each other,,, i love this drama,, i love seeing these disasters inadvertently hurt each other (honestly it kinda worked too well cuz,,, more on that in the negative section)

CAITLIN! I love caitlin so much!!! and i just love her dynamic with adam,, i mean like, fried rice nights, shared google calendars, stressing out over essays that aren’t due for months,, i love these two!! also it’s so fresh cuz like,, usually it’s just the one nerdy loner character,, but here we get two and they’re just lovely for each other,,, lol i can totally see these dudes just moving in together and just getting married if they’re still both single by age 40 for the tax benefits

she was only in a couple of episodes,,, but i love love hearing joan again, especially that bit where caleb just infodumps at her all the shit he’s going through and she’s just 0_o that was such a fun throwback

minor thing, but the confirmation that the bryants are asian (when mark got oliver to take off his shoes when entering his house)

the soundscape and music was phenomenal! one of the most well done soundscapes i’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to,,, and the theme was stuck in my head all week

now,, all the things that i hated:

super mixed feelings about the bu crew,,,, im a fan of ride or die friendships, like what they were trying to go for here,, but like,,, the characters here aren’t very likable,,,

frankie’s flirting at caitlin came across as creepy rather than charming and it frustrates me so much that they got paired off by the end

i don’t get what ben’s deal is,,, i didn’t get much of their character outside of them being kidnapped and being a powerful atypical as plot device

and sadie’s just,,, she’s such a dick to adam and caitlin, constantly belittling and invalidating their feelings,,that line about her getting to be angry at adam and caleb but adam not being allowed to,,, just made my blood boil

also the characters act like she has just Very Good Takes:tm: on life and the human condition when they’re very much Not

honestly overall i don’t get what their deal is,, like what they’ve been through as friends, why they care for each other, how they got that way,,, and i don’t really have much reason to care for them

the adam caleb drama was so fun and like,,, honestly i was rooting for them to stay fucking apart by the end of the series,,, the weird pacing this show was going for made their ending feel super fucking rushed,, and they have way more fucking shit to deal with and talk about,,, and we’ll never get to see that cuz the show thought a tacked on ancient atypical cult conspiracy was more interesting,, which is a real fucking shame cuz what appealed so much about the original show is all the talking about feelings,,,

everything about the time fucking book and the atypical cult was not very compelling and felt forced and rushed and tacked on and there are so many plotholes,,, like,,, what are a bunch of fucking college kids gonna do about a conspiracy that’s been going on for generations,, and apparently even people like the am or the order can’t deal with them,, cuz they’re super hidden or whatever,,, but ppl just randomly hanging out in the library can fucking overhear all their bullshit

i was never given any believable explanation about why they can’t just ask the am to deal with this nonsense,,, when two very powerful people in the am care very deeply about the characters in the midst of this dangerous plot,,, and they already knew about it but did fucking nothing,,, and they keep fucking lampshading it but not actually address it. this whole nonsense felt like a ploy to get adam and caleb to talk to each other again when they seriously didn’t need it

blackwell was such a bad villain,, he was so melodramatic but not even in a fun way,,, and uggh,,, i can’t help but compare the new villains, this blackwell and hellen(?i can’t even remember her name) with the ones in the original series, wadsworth, agent green, damien,,, and the new ones feel like cartoon caricactures compared to how much nuance and depth and humanity the old antagonists were written with

also like,, the more information about the wider atypical world that’s laid out, the less fun and the less sense it makes,,, atypical secret societies are a thing??? and it’s also possible to find atypical communities online??? that just cheapens all of damien’s angst about being alone and not even knowing the word atypical until he met joan,, as well as how the order and the am value keeping knowledge of atypicals top secret, it doesn’t add up

it bothered me how they mentioned it should be impossible to turn a normal person into an atypical when like,, hello??? frank’s right there???

fuck oliver,,, there’s nothing fucking likable about this asshole,,he’s selfish, manipulative, a coward, smug,,, and not even in any charming or sympathetic ways,, he feels super tacked on,,, like he’s only there cuz the bullshit ancienty conspiracy plot demands it and i do not for one second believe any of the characters care about him

mark was just,,, so fucking under utilized,,, the characters always talk up caleb and mark’s brotherly bond, about how much they care for each other and how much he’s helped him out,, that’s really interesting i would actually like to fucking see it please,,, overall mark feels like his main point in this series is to just be an accessory to oliver

what the fuck do you mean that mark considers him his bestfriend?!?!? ano po?? tangina,, sam’s right fucking there,, and oliver has never shown in any genuine that he cares about mark and i don’t fucking see what mark sees in this guy

you know,,, all that fucking forced ship tease between these is literally the final nail in the coffin of my enjoyment of this universe,,, like you’re telling me that these two are actually gonna get together?? fuck that noise good fucking bye i want nothign to do with this series anymore

conclusion: i am just,, completely fucking done with this universe,,, honestly,, normally im not one to hate listen,, if i don’t like something,, i’ll just drop it and say it’s not my thing and move on..and im not one to just angrily yell about it into the void. but i can’t with this show,,, the original show really just meant the world to me,,, it was with me at some of the darkest points in my life and was one of the things that got me through em (cuz hey i can’t afford therapy and this show made a p good substitute at times asdkfljsad)..

i felt so betrayed,,, i really opened up myself to this one for all that. i should’ve learned my lesson after the disaster that was tama,,, the needless killing agent green was an indication of things to come,,, but i was cautiously optimistic for this show,, cuz it seemed they were going back to their roots by doing a story that’s more on just characters learning how to person and talk about their feelings,,, but oh god how badly was i mistaken,, they shoehorned another bs thriller action plotline when the characters by themselves were enough,,, and it seems that this is the direction this universe is taking,,, i want absolutely nothing more to do with,, im gonna unsub to the original feed and just block out all the tags and pretend i never interacted with this franchise in the first place

[berkcwitz]

❛ ✶ (   madison beer, cisfemale, she/her   )   spotted   !   jalissa   berkowitz   was   spotted   singing   along   to   find   my   way   by   dababy   in   hilton   grove  .   you’ve   heard   of   them   right   ?   they   are   a   twenty   two   year   old   pornographic   actress   /   internet   personality   who   has   already   amassed   a   net   worth   of   550m  .   you   should   really   follow   them   on   insta   @callmejalissa  ,   they’re   about   to   hit   89m   followers  .   the   tabloids   have   been   calling   them   the   vixen   because   they   are   known   for   being   whimsical   but   also   a   bit   abrasive  .   though   most   people   recognize   them   by   a   drunken   gaze   staring   into   the   mirror   as   she   holds   finger   guns   to   her   head   ,   a   laugh   too   contagious   ,   leaving   notes   in   lipstick   on   bathroom   mirrors   &   echoing   of   her   mothers   longtime   disapproval   .    —   ooc info   (   mia.   twenty.   est.   she/her.   )

GUYYYSSSS ?! this group ? a masterpiece , wow . im hella excited to get to roleplay with you all . im mia by the way , im twenty ( i’ll be 21 in june what a vibe ) & i live in the est ( a clam chowder eating , dunkin donuts chugging , no Rs havin , boston sports loving new englander ). also i go by she/her pronouns ! i am going to be so honest with you guys . this intro is dummy long . like , i promise i will not judge you if you hmu asking for a quick synopsis of my girl because this shit below this cut ? is a novella & a half , sis . if im very honest i really just needed to flesh her out completely because she’s a new baby of mine ? and i wanted to make sure i really knew her before i put her out on the dash . im so anal about this , i know . anyways , before this little note section gets as long as the intro without further a do ? adu ? idfk ... here’s jalissa , she’s ... a piece of work . also if you'd prefer to plot on discord hmu @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 .

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐇

full name: jalissa  billie-jean  berkowitz nickname: lissa , jals , jb , berks , jalissa cadden ( porn name ) birthday: october 13th birthplace: fort lauderdale , florida hometown: hilton grove residence: hilton grove nationality: american ( est. 1997 through birth ) , british ( est. 1997 automatically a citizen due to mother’s citizenship , passport was claimed est. 2012 ) ethnicity: askenazi jewish ( maternal & paternal , 100% ) religion: judaism orientation: pansexual , panromantic ( she never really came out per say , people just kind of know she’s attracted to all genders . her family is very religious and she’s very involved with her synagogue so she’s made the choice not the necessarily put a label on her sexuality but is open about loving people no matter gender ) languages spoken: english ( fluent , first language ) , yiddish ( fluent , second language ) , spanish ( fluent , third language ) , german ( conversational , fourth language ) . father: henry  christian  berkowitz  ( 50 years old )  was born & raised in fort lauderdale , florida by a politician / banking heir & talk show host / philanthropist . henry himself went on to follow in his father’s footsteps and serve as a us senator for two terms & currently is the ceo of berkowitz capital . ( relationship:  it’s never been perfect but the love is clear in the relationship & he’s been much better at being supportive of her in recent years . certainly a daddy’s little girl even when you do wrong you can’t do much wrong type of situation ) mother : austen  sylvia  rachelson-berkowitz  ( 48 years old ) was born & raised in westminster ,  england up until her teens when she & her mother moved to washington dc after her mother had become the incumbent uk ambassador to the united states . austen was crowned miss usa at the age of 20 & later went on to follow in her families long time involvement in politics ( holding former offices as a us representative as well as governor for two terms ) . today she spends much of her time putting her law degree to work on criminal cases . ( relationship: they’ve never been close & have never quite seen eye to eye . since jalissa was nineteen she & her mom haven’t said more than ten words to one another & if they have it’s never necessarily positive ) brother: kenneth  patrick  berkowitz  ( 24 years old ) was born in fort lauderdale , florida & raised in hilton grove . he shares the same parents as jalissa and is the couples first born & only son . kenneth is following in the berkowitz footsteps & is heading the uk sector for berkowitz capital since graduating from columbia university a couple years back . ( relationship: the two siblings have always been close. they had a similar friend group growing up & alot of the same interests . they’re still rather close to this day despite being countries away from one another ) sister: sariah  rachel  berkowitz ( 19 years old )  was born in fort lauderdale , florida & raised in hilton grove . she shares the same parents as jalissa and is the couples last born . sariah currently attends stanford university where she’s on a pre med track . ( relationship: the two were often at each other’s necks growing up . mostly because how similar they are to one another . as of recently the two have grown close , though , with sariah fessing up to looking up to her older sister ) social class: upper education: highschool diploma ( hilton grove highschool g. 2015 ) career: youtuber ( from 2014-present ) , pornographic actress ( from 2016-present ) , podcaster (from 2018-present ) notoriety: being apart of the prominent berkowitz family , having one of the top 10 most watched pornographic movies , her podcast with her best friend tickets to our downfall  & her youtube channel callmejalissa . weight: 122lbs  height: 5′4″ hair color: brown ( with blonde highlights ) eye color: hazel ( wears blue contacts sometimes ) positive traits: whimsical , astute , extroverted , affectionate , quick , intelligent , friendly , ambitious , passionate , humorous , loyal , compassionate , effervescent negative traits: opportunistic , recalcitrant , hypocritical , vain , critical , stubborn , distant , sneaky , abrasive , sarcastic , obsessive , vengeful , reckless , arrogant likes: black coffee , birthday parties , lying , sunshine , baby pink , glossy lips , gossiping , stand up comedy , sunkissed skin , dogs , peanut butter , popping champagne bottles , driving with the windows down , swimming , mimosas , oversized sweaters , taco bell , cranberry juice , makeup , football , cosmetic work , arguing , online shopping , exotic foods , jewelry the price of a car , fresh berries , roller skating dislikes: liars , driving in the snow , her mother , jelly , basketball , bad drivers , when people lie about their cosmetic work , sushi , hateful people , disloyalty , overly emotional people , romance , being alone ,  astrology enthusiasts , hospitals , silence , cheap perfume , criticism , traffic , being late , red wine , short hair , anything banana or grape flavored  hobbies: reading magazines , dancing to her newly curated playlist in the mirror , gossiping with her grandparents , video editing , meddling , going for brunch , goat yoga , drinking alcohol while snuggled up in bed , painting alternate universe cartoons , attending big soirees , making impulsive decisions , smoking weed , sleepovers with her closest friends , suntanning on yacht decks , late night instagram lives , marilyn monroe movie marathons  chara inspo: kourtney kardashian , emily nelson ( a simple favor ) , tan france ( queer eye ) , evie zamora ( thirteen ) , rebekah mikaelson ( the vampire diaries ) , jennifer check ( jennifer’s body ) , gabrielle solis ( desperate housewives ) , regina george ( mean girls ) , lucifer morningstar ( lucifer ) , kathryn merteuli ( cruel intentions ) , veronica lodge ( riverdale ) , chanel oberlin ( scream queens ) , samantha jones ( sex and the city ) , andie anderson ( how to lose a guy in 10 days ) , blair waldorf ( gossip girl ) , naomi lapaglia ( wolf of wall street ) , maddy perez ( euphoria ) , kat hernandez ( euphoria ) fashion inspo: fran drescher , bella hadid , alex chung , madison beer , romee strijd , kendall jenner , selena gomez  career inspo: tana mongeau , jordan lipscombe , sofia franklyn , alexdandra cooper , lana rhodes , abella danger headcanons: she has one hundred percent smashed the windows in an exes car , she drives a black range rover , vandalized an exes home before , says “ harely quinn is my spirit animal “ once a day , is not the type of ask if you’re okay with her vlogging , has slept with rock stars and couldn’t care less that they’re basically the age of dirt at this point , is actually very sad when she’s not putting on the vivacious front in front of people , dances on tables whens she’s drunk , its not a party unless someone has offered her a line  

𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐉𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐀

the   berkowitz   family name has long been one that holds prestige & power . among the 1% for over a century . they are a prominent banking family that has had their hands in the pots of nearly every big banking company across the nation . coming into the united states after word broke of the california gold rush back in 1849 , the berkowitz brother’s were of the lucky few to acquire pounds of gold by the thousands . later founding what would become a leading investment bank known as berkowitz capital . the generations to follow would capitalize on the head start given to them by the two brothers . expanding the family company as well as the knowledge of the family name through heavy involvement in politics alongside the kennedy’s . since as early as 1953 there has always been a berkowitz family member actively appointed to a political role ( governor , senator , representative , us ambassador , etc ) . although the families roots within the states are documented in the capital of california , as generations went on they made their way over to the east coast , with most of the family members now residing in southern florida . 

the   rachelson   family is a prominent political family . synonymous with power & eloquence . with their rise initially taking place in the british parliament . many escaped to england from germany between 1933-1935 . they hadn’t settled into the states until jocelyn rachelson ( jalissa’s maternal grandmother ) was appointed the united kingdoms ambassador to the united states in 1987 . the rachelson’s have since had heavy involvement in the us government , both behind the scenes and at the forefront . much of the rachelson family have stayed within the european union ( germany & poland ) as well as england . although the few that followed jocelyn to the states now reside in washington dc and the tri-state area .

henry & austen had met through their mutual friends . it didn’t take long before the two became a rather public couple , a supercouple if you would ( similar to that of a brangelina of the 1% ) . although they’d met in new york the two decided that when it was time to start a family they wanted to move to hilton grove , an island austen had eyed for years . instead they found themselves moving down to fort lauderdale where henry had grown up . before they knew it , they were three kids deep in settling down in fort lauderdale . austen’s anger from never wanting to build a life in florida started to tumble into the relationship & the daily life of the family & so in an effort to recover the marriage henry agreed to moving the family up to hilton grove , where they have resided ever since .

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐉𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐀 𝐄𝐑𝐀

jalissa was born the second of three children and oh boy does she suffer from middle child syndrome , riddled with a envy and a need to be in the mix . the berkowitz household , although , from the outside looking in looked like a fabulous family life was anything but . jalissa , like her siblings , was born on a pedestal & what came attached with that was even higher expectations from her parents . her parents found a way to be extremely authoritarian & uninvolved all at the same time . they were very dismissive if you disappointed them & everything jalissa did seemingly did just that .

for a long time she was obsessed with getting her parents approval , she’d turned life into a silent competition between herself & her siblings . she befriended only the people her parents approved of , did all the events they asked her to do , did everything she could to excel academically & only dated people who were of benefit to her parents ( people who’s parents where also in high places ) . 

during highschool she joined the model un , debate team , and soccer team . if it were up to jalissa & not her parents she’d probably had joined the cheerleading team but her mother would never let that fly . it was too “ self indulgent “ to fit the family brand ( if only she’d known what would be coming years later lol ) .

it wasn’t until she was seventeen that she started to deviate from her parents wishes . of course , the catalyst to this was a boy , one her parents hadn’t really approved of but jalissa was completely head over heels for him . he really helped her boost her confidence to be her own person ? and not allow her parents to treat her like a puppet . with his encouragement she started her youtube channel , something she’d wanted to do for years but her mother had shot down the idea anytime jalissa brought it up . it was once again too “ self indulgent ” . the channel known as callmejalissa was an outlet for her , talking to a camera was the most heard she’d felt in seventeen years of her life . and god she knew that was hella sad . she really grew to view her subscribers as family & by the time her channel was brought to her parents attention ( more like her mothers , her dad had found her channel just four months after she’d made it and promised not to tell her mother so long as she was smart about what she posted ) she was about to turn eighteen and there wasn’t much they could do to stop her from doing it .

at eighteen she’d graduated highschool salutatorian with offers from university of pennsylvania & brown university . in all honesty she didn’t wnat to go to college , she saw it as a complete waste of her time . it wasn’t like she was going to do anything with the degree anyways . it would simply be a point of bragging for her parents at events & at this point she really could care less about them being able to brag to their friends . she knew she had to play along though , because this was the same year she was going to receive her first half of her trust fund ( a whoopin 500m , yes her trust fund in total will be 1b her parents are grossly wealthy guys ) so she bamboozled ? her parents , promising she’d committed to attending penn just so they’d allow for the money to be released to her account . she moved out of the house , literally moving into a house of her own a couple blocks from her parents house & claimed she was living in pennsylvania for college . we stan a sneaky binch .

two months later her parents were at her front door , though , ready to give her an ear full . her mother basically disowned her at this point . telling her how every year jalissa found a new way to be a bigger disappointment . her dad kind of played good cop , like he normally would because her mother often dug into her pretty deeply . to the point where any insecurity ( even though with the way she carries herself you’d never think she has any ) she has stems from something her mother has said / called her in the past . if henry berkowitz had a soft spot , it was certainly jalissa , it that had only grown clearly with the harsher austen became on the girl .

a few months before her nineteenth birthday a sex tape was released of jalissa cheating on her boyfriend at the time . it was a drunken mistake she’d made around the time of her mother basically disowning her , but that explanation did suffice for her boyfriend who inevitably broke things off with her . although this was a horrific time she’d received an abundance of offers to film more tapes . it was enticing to say the least . she was someone who loved intercourse but also had this deeply rooted desire to get back at her mother ? and what better way to do so then to something so far left from what her mother was about . this was next level disappointment in the eyes of austen berkowitz . the only thing that made sense ( in her mind ) was to dive head first into the porn industry .

like you’d expect her parents had a fit when they found out about her new career choice . although her internet fame had soared to new heights and her youtube & instagram followers were loving every second of this move . her mom was currently serving as governor and has since not been able to get elected in the political world since jalissa became one of the top porn stars around . they basically blacklisted her & jalissa feels no remorse , she’s gone so far as telling her mother “ sucks to be shunned , huh? ” .

although it took her dad a while to come around , he cares far too much to shut her out . 

not to long after jalissa & her best friend started their podcast tickets to our downfall , it’s a mix of call her daddy & the basement yard , basically two besties talking on a level that most people wouldn’t want to leave the privacy of their own space , giving advice , hoe tricks , and telling funny stories of their past . it a total hit & one of jalissa’s favorite things to do .

she live sin the same house she has since she was eighteen . she lives on her own with three dogs and a cat . she absolutely hates being alone and so maggie ( a tan corgi puppy ) , louis ( a  yellow lab puppy ) , humphrey ( a chocolate lab ) , and cedric ( a orange scottish fold ) are her babies that keep her sane in her big ole home . 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 

as you can tell jalissa is chaotic , impulsive , reactive , and overall just searching for attention . she doesn’t care if the attention she receives is for the wrong reason or not , as long as she’s getting it . despite this she’s a good person ? i promise . she’s very friendly , loves a good joke & having a good time . very fun loving . she’s the type of person to try and bring up everyone else’s mood even when she isn’t feeling 100% herself . she’s loyal to those she deems are loyal to her . sometimes she’s bad a seeing who is actually loyal to her though & will be disloyal to someone who actually has her back ? oops . she’s definitely not the type to sugar coat anything for you , she tells it like it is & refuses to apologize if that hurts your feelings . if you cross her ? i’ll be praying for you . she’s the type to fuck your s/o , tell your boss some wild story about you & dump alcohol over your head at an event all in the matter of a week . don’t get her going , she’s absolutely relentless . with that said she’d very affectionate ... ? you can catch her hugging up on whoever is next to her at all times . touch is her love language , because lord knows she’s no sweetheart . she hates the stereotype of porn stars / internet personalities being ditzy , although she didn’t attend university she was accepted into two ivy leagues based off her academic abilities alone . the girl is intelligent & enjoys having a clever conversation from time to time .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

a girl squad or just a squad in general really , give my baby her lil group of people please

her ex boyfriend from when she was seventeen ( he’s mentioned above ) but basically he’s the one who encouraged her to not let her parents make her their puppet , they didn’t approve of him , jalissa fell head over heels for him . they would’ve dated for nearly two years because the sex tape of her cheating on him came out .

the person she cheated on her ex with ? maybe they’re the one who leaked the sex tape ? maybe they never even told jalissa they were recording ? 

her best friend that she does the tickets to our downfall podcast with ? these two are literally like twins , just two peas in a pod ( pun intended )

fans of her work ? and im not taking about her youtube channel or podcast 

ex hook ups that think she’s crazy ? she probably gave them reason to think so lbr

frenemies give me blair & serena circa season one type of shit

just plain old enemies , they were probably friends at one point or maybe just have always disliked one another ? 

smoking buddies were they literally just hot box cars together and munch on taco bell talking about why sound vibrates & shit 

someone who isn’t afraid to confess their love for jalissa but her damaged ass refuses to confess her feelings for them ? so it’s just this constant cycle of them having a good time , them being sweet & her just gets weirdly quite & starring at them before she complaining about them going and ruining the vibes

she’s a bad influence on them ? they’re a good influence on her ? ride or dies ? partners in crime ? only friends when there is a substance involved ? sugar baby vibes ? unlikely friends ? flings ? crush ? friends with benefits ? everytime they are around one another its a fight ? someone she lets crash at her place sometimes ? someone she’s backstabbed & maybe they don’t even know she has & they still think she’s a ride or die for them ?

[afterthelastreset]

Chasriel Week Day 4

Day 4: first meeting:

What do you think of their first meeting? How would it be in your imagination? Feel free to go crazy with the possibilities that are endless! x3

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*Deltarune Au* Trying to find the book you were specifically looking for was kinda hard when the shelved were at least twenty feet each and filled with easily hundreds of books. And did I mention that the library had at least seven floors with easily fifty bookshelves on each floor? Yeah it wasn’t wasy finding anything in there, unless you were the librarian. That lady seemed to know the place like her own glasses, unfortunately she was rather vague as well. Should be in the fiction section she said. You should find it on one of the middle shelves she said. Well she didn’t specify and now he was walking around looking at random book covers and reading their names like some child on a wild goose chase. Who knows how long this would take? For the life of him this would take all eternity at this point. He sighed and just kept scanning the booktitles looking for any that might’ve been good to read, because at this point he severly doubted he would find the specific one he wanted, so it wasn’t a bad idea to look for some others he might like just in case. Was a good idea. Right? Eventually he stopped and stared at one green covered book. Funny, it’s cover didn’t say anything. The thin thing was wedged between two much larger books and didn’t look easy to get out-…..And wouldn’t you know it. It was actually correct. When he reached out a hand and tugged, it didn’t budge. It felt like a rock stuck inside concrete. So what else to do but to pull harder. Made sense right? But when he pulled harder nothing happened. Ok. Time for extreme measures. Both of his hands came to grab the book's skinny frame and he pulled harder, wings fluttering in frustration. He didn't have to wait long. A moment later it FINALLY came loose-....With about twenty or so book from it's left side. He yelped and watched in horror as they all fell to the floor with loud thumps. A few monsters around him paused what they were doing and looked over at him. To which he froze and gave a nervous chuckle at the situation....Before quickly bending down and picking up the books and placing them back onto the shelf one by one. Not sure in the correct order but hopefully no one would notice. Completely forgetting the small book and placing it back with the others. It didn't matter anyways. He was a little too busywith the cleaning up of his mess to care at the moment. Leave it to him to do something this embarrassing He was just reaching the last book when another grip made him freeze. ...There was another hand on the book, right next to his. He looked up and froze at the sight of red eyes and smile looking right at him.

"Here. Allow me to help you out there."

"Uh..."

The smiling figure without another word, stood, turned to the shelf next to them and gently placed the book back with the rest. Before smiling back down to the still crouched monster. ...And raised a brow. "Are you comfortable down there?" He immediately stod up with a small squeak and the other chuckled good naturdly. "Well, now I can see you better. Looks like you had quite the mess to clean up there."

"Um..Y-Yeah. T-T-Thank you," he managed to squeak out. Making the other guy laugh again. This guy was...tall to say the least. Or at least taller than his small self. And his features were, pardon the term, heavenly. And he nearly swallowed his tongue when he chuckled again at his stunned silence. "Well, I can tell you don't need my help anymore. I'll leave you to your own-"

"Chara!" His squeaky voice forced out making the taller monster pause. He cleared his throat quickly. "U-Um. I-Im Dominic."

He blinked a couple times before reaching out his hand to shake Chara's. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Chara. You may call me Asriel." Chara’s face flushed a slight bright green and smiled nervously. “Y-You too!” Asriel smiled and finally let go of his hand. “I hate to be rude and cut our meet up short, but Im afraid I have business elsewhere to take care of. Please, take care of the shelves.” “O-Ok.” He gave another smile before turning and walking the opposite direction from Chara, as the human could only stare and suck in a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding.

@chasrielweekevent

[hazbinextgeneration]

First Meeting

Trying to find the book you were specifically looking for was kinda hard when the shelved were at least twenty feet each and filled with easily hundreds of books. And did I mention that the library had at least seven floors with easily fifty bookshelves on each floor? Yeah it wasn’t wasy finding anything in there, unless you were the librarian. That lady seemed to know the place like her own glasses, unfortunately she was rather vague as well. Should be in the fiction section she said. You should find it on one of the middle shelves she said. Well she didn’t specify and now he was walking around looking at random book covers and reading their names like some child on a wild goose chase. Who knows how long this would take? For the afterlife of him this would take all eternity at this point.

He sighed and just kept scanning the booktitles looking for any that might’ve been good to read, because at this point he severly doubted he would find the specific one he wanted, so it wasn’t a bad idea to look for some others he might like just in case. Was a good idea. Right?

Eventually he stopped and stared at one green covered book. Funny, it’s cover didn’t say anything. The thin thing was wedged between two much larger books and didn’t look easy to get out-…..And wouldn’t you know it. It was actually correct. When he reached out a hand and tugged, it didn’t budge. It felt like a rock stuck inside concrete. So what else to do but to pull harder. Made sense right? But when he pulled harder nothing happened. Ok. Time for extreme measures.

Both of his hands came to grab the book's skinny frame and he pulled harder, wings fluttering in frustration. He didn't have to wait long. A moment later it FINALLY came loose-....With about twenty or so book from it's left side. He yelped and watched in horror as they all fell to the floor with loud thumps. A few angels around him paused what they were doing and looked over at him. To which he froze and gave a nervous chuckle at the situation....Before quickly bending down and picking up the books and placing them back onto the shelf one by one. Not sure in the correct order but hopefully no one would notice. Completely forgetting the small book and placing it back with the others. It didn't matter anyways. He was a little too busywith the cleaning up of his mess to care at the moment. Leave it to him to do something this embarrassing.  He was just reaching the last book when another grip made him freeze. ...There was another hand on the book, right next to his. He looked up and froze at the sight of brown eyes and smile looking right at him. "Here. Allow me to help you out there."  "Uh..." The smiling figure without another word, stood, turned to the shelf next to them and gently placed the book back with the rest. Before smiling back down to the still crouched moth. ...And raised a brow. "Are you comfortable down there?" He immediately stod up with a small squeak and the other chuckled good naturdly. "Well, now I can see you better. Looks like you had quite the mess to clean up there." "Um..Y-Yeah. T-T-Thank you," he managed to squeak out. Making the other Angel laugh again. This guy was...tall to say the least. Or at least taller than his small self. And his features were, pardon the term, heavenly. And he nearly swallowed his tongue when he  chuckled again at his stunned silence. "Well, I can tell you don't need my help anymore. I'll leave you to your own-" "DoMiNIc!" His swueaky voice forced out making the taller angel pause. He cleared his throat quickly. "U-Um. I-Im Dominic." He blinked a couple times before reaching out his hand to shake Dominic's. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Dominic. You may call me Miguel."

Dominic’s face flushed a slight bright green and smiled nervously. “Y-You too!”

Miguel smiled and finally let go of his hand. “I hate to be rude and cut our meet up short, but Im afraid I have business elsewhere to take care of. Please, take care of the shelves.”

“O-Ok.”

He gave another smile before turning and walking the opposite direction from Dominic, as the moth angel could only stare and suck in a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

Contest prize for @jellori Miguel belongs to @palettepainter

[unproduciblesmackdown]

hmm here’s me talking about su sort of lmao like i said i’m not here to be particularly scentamentle?? just say funney stories....and some opinions.....it’s really been a hot minute and i haven’t been making Long text posts about things so i can throw one out there even if it’s got no thesis statement

also like i said i just so happened to like, actually watch the first ep on actual tv when it actually premiered....all i super remember knowing about it beforehand was like “oh rebecca sugar getting her own series right on” and i was gonna check it out on that alone and then also i remember before it debuted there was an article about it in the wapo in the sort of “local”-ish section b/c it was like. hey this is based in uh yknow the dmv....delmarva area.....this whole Region.....and i (from nova and in nova at that time, and flipping thru the print wapo every day) was like haha. neat. also god damn it was 2013, hell of a year. i can tell you little about it b/c it was so crappy i just like did not bother much with things like “distinct memories” lmfao. great to have like, a weekly thing towards the end of that hot mess (november??? or smthing??) back when....god........it aired weekly.........anyways yeah i was pleasantly surprised from the start i don’t Get when people are like “can’t watch this in order :/ the first few eps don’t sell it well” like okay speak for yourself god dman....more on that later i’m sure lmfao. hot takes

my brother started watching it too just cuz he’s game for shit that way and i was keeping up with it. like i remember i thought cheeseburger backpack was extra fun and i think i showed him a rerun and i remember he thought it was funny lol the Raft Gag......and when i was watching tiger millionaire i kept For Real Laughing and he came over like what is going on.....and i think he was signed on from there........again pretty fun for it to be this weekly thing. also maybe i’m not here to be Sentamental but i was also like “oh no that Spoke to my feelings unexpected :(” during tiger millionaire when amethyst was all “you can’t let anyone make you feel like garbage” and “i only feel how i wanna feel” like guess who was in the early stages of “my self esteem is so crappy it’s starting to circle around into [trying to increase self esteem]”.........like i said hell of a time. though then that’d be 2014 by then i think?? still a hell of a time

started to get “i think i will draw the same character one million times” about it at some point in 2014 too lmfao......every instance of [me drawing the same shit one million times], which is the only way i ever draw anything, then like, benefits whatever i draw later cuz like. sure get some practice out of it. and even though like, it wasn’t quite as huge an Internet Thing as it was gonna get once i started to draw shit, it was already like, classic-me Kinda Niche to be like “hey gang who is going ham about the bored dumbass teens”....not so niche that there weren’t other people going “yeah i am” at any given time tho. and then we put our hands in the middle and go Yeah!! and jump up hsm style. it was also a great time for something Fun and (easier than marble hornets lol) to draw b/c. it simply was a good time for it.....struggling to draw shit back then even more than is like, usual. oh and also i forget but i had sort of Withdrawn from the mh fanbase b/c it got this whole influx of randos after fjsfdking the Video Game we all know the one and i was like. i am gonna.....sidle over here. nobody Likes to be in a fandom actually lmfao. and i mean even while su was getting to be A Whole Thing i was like. bro i am over here in the Donuts section and it is a little quieter and i use the tag sometimes but i’m all set, thanks. still the least Niche niche i’ve been in probably lmfao....see: the fact that probably still way most of my followers are here from su times even tho idk who’s even active still

also had a high time making some great Long Text Posts. i kind of always fail 2 grasp that even as much as my drawings that stuff leads to me actually getting to interact with people, b/c like, those text posts have me actually saying Words in them, which helps lmfao..........i think it’s like, these posts are probably Not That Fun for most people, but then for the people who Are like “oh sweet this is something that i actually want,” that’s obviously a helpful way to find a kindred spirit lmao.....like hey cool you already know i can’t shut up and am opinionated and obviously a lil much? fantastic let’s do this. plus idk it’s fun to Not Shut Up Actually. like, not the biggest deal. ppl can just Scroll Past. or not

speaking of “getting practice Not Shutting Up and Drawing Shit”.......hilarious when in late 2018 i find myself like. oh so you’re telling me this excellent character who is a self-sabotaging struggling-to-know-how-to-cope-with-shit-and-connect-with-others insecure af Teen is not appreciated / ignored / deemed Awful (and then ignored) by the majority of the fanbase?????? hahaha you don’t say....but No Problem. let me just talk about how this person has Complexity actually and is a lot more sympathetic than not and i hate all of you omg like do we have to do all of this ourselves lmfao........guess so, Fine

what am i talking about funny stories who is this funny to lmfao. okay no but okayyy what an experience when the island adventure preview came out and for like the next 4 days i did not experience depression lmao........i Jumped on the opportunity b/c it was like, early fall i wanna say??? i think sept?? 2014 and i was kinda mulling over going to gmx (which was this convention the Marble Hornets gang kept getting invited to & i’d been 2 twice b4 but missed the previous yr coz it was 2013 and i was way not thriving) and yeah jumped on the “depression / (as much) anxiety who???” superpower to Ask if it was cool if i went to a friend’s wedding in georgia for a weekend. there was no friend’s wedding in georgia. and then i went to gmx AND. ironically (not really im sure. idk what irony means and idc) gmx weekend ended up being the same weekend island adventure actually aired and when i left that morning (gmx being in nashville) my lil bro (getting up for school) was like GO GO and i actually made it in time to catch it in the hotel room but. they didn’t have the channel despite it being listed on the channel guide. i about flipped lmfao but i did see it later that weekend and flipped again. gmx was an a-okay time as well lmao that was the last time i made it

they may have never sold a licensed Lars S1 Green/Purple Snake Tee but look when i have this green racerback with a neat snake print & this necklace of purple quartz crystals and also when i was at gmx i bought this necklace with one (non purple, non actual crystals but plastic shaped like it / glossed) pendant In The Spirit Of It All and it gets compliments. anyways the point is. indirectly representing

speaking of crystals = lars i’d just like to reiterate that i’m always right. like sure i was like “look i don’t know how lars could have Crystal Magic in him but something is up with the fact he’s = pink magic flowers with crystals inside them Means Something.” i think it’s reasonable to Not have predicted he dies and gets revived w/ crystal magic that’s in him now. but that’s still a Win for realizing somethings up....tfw as early as like s2 times i’d be like “well the donuts gotta get involved in the center of adventure at Some point and also i Know it is important that steven is just lars’s rly annoying little brother and y/n do you think lars would die to protect him i think he would...” like. i didn’t wanna be That right :/

tfw me and my brother were watching rose’s scabbard while my mom was napping it out in the armchair and like silently Sharing A Look at the whole “she was beautiful” thing like. lol harold

i still don’t know how much of a Thing(tm) magfest is but as far as i can figure it it’s No Comic Con (like, thank god :| ) but still kind of a thing. anyways i learned of it cuz i saw there was gonna be a couple su panel thingies & i looked it up & we were less than an hour away and so it was like midnight but i ask my brother like hey wanna swing by this thing on this one friday. and he was like Sure. so i made it happen and he was 17 so we had to drag our dad to the bank to Notarize a form that he was allowed to be there accompanied by me. it was a big place and it also took us a while to find Registration or whatever and when we tried getting sandwiches later it cost like $7 each go figure. anyways but we were just there for the one Event & there was a room like filled with arcade games and a bunch of other consoles (also Retro though. like old computers n stuff) and they had Galaga, thank fucking god. we 2 playered that shit and wandered around and also 2 playered a game called toobin, which was funny. real gamers know. 

when we were in the (pretty long) Line to get into the Panel, i actually like. spotted a then-mutual who i (was pretty sure i) recognized from her occasional selfie lol and who i guess had travelled all the way from the west coast for the weekend. when we were actually Seated she happened to be a couple rows back and both of us on the end of the aisle and i asked my brother if he could read her nametag (to verify lol) and i bopped over to have the cringe and fail exchange of “hey do you have a Tumblr” and then i was like “haha i’m milo i’m ummmwine” and she got up to hug me and then i had to scamper back to my seat cuz shit was starting lol

like my life was not changed by this event but we had fun and. the Hilarious story is that it was also partially a Q&A and i had a Q and my brother encouraged me by again whispering “go go” as soon as the first syllable was spoken implying Line up For Questions.....i was in like, the last idk, haaalf dozen or so ppl who made it to the mic? and look i knew i was gonna be asking a niche question that like 3 other people of the hundreds in the room would care about but So What. deal with it gang, let’s have some Variety. but i was still nervous. and when i’m nervous, i a) Have A Script and b) get even chattier. and right after the person Right In Front Of Me got their answer, i guess it was noticed that it was getting down to the wire so they were like “haha okay lightning round :)” and i was like NO.......GOD..........lmfao like too late im sorry i Can’t make it lightning round. i was muy anxious.....just that, again, hundreds of people there, i have the floor, nobody’s gonna Like my quastion......and they didn’t know the answer (which i figured was v possible lol) so i was like oh no sklfjd hope this entire room doesn’t hate me. i mean of course i didn’t care if they did too much but, Nerves....also im valid, but were the like half dozen people who asked prior to me about shit that would CLEARLY be too spoilery to answer valid????? no lmfao. cmon. that’s what’s Really cringe

well here we ffw a bit b/c Mid To Late 2015 is certainly a time for me and it doesn’t really make for an interesting story so just to tldr it lmao like, got some beautiful moral support from someone as i was makin a Lifestyle Change lol and continued to get beautiful moral support from that same person and i continue to benefit from it....You know who you are!!!! tyvvm....and it occurred to me that the reason i am where i physically am is via someone i met thru su-posting.......which is true of the You Know who you are person too, which is why i brought it up lmao

uhh god not as many Stories after that lol.....def got to engage in “i’m ___ i’m gonna [draw the same character i always draw] so i won’t be so ___” during interesting times lol. love that for me

tbh the uh. Wanted arc was truly one of the best Serial Arcs, just dramatic & solid af and also it’s lars time and for a second i go “god well at least maybe now ppl will acknowledge lars is a gr8 character” and then a second later i go “Oh No they’ll only say he’s a good character *Now*” and that’s exactly what happened lmfao but well we still got as much lars fanart as we ever got outside that couple weeks aftermath... l o l . . . i had to wait One Zillion Years for my little brother to catch up to this b/c. he was watching via hulu i think where like, a full season would come out a good while after the finale. seriously i think it took him almost 2 years. im like dammit lmfao this is What Matters dfslk....fond memories when hulu was free / no login req’d / shit would be available like the day after airing

uhhhHHH crazy how this show muscled through the weird scheduling change where it was like “no weekly eps Only Erratic Hiatuses”......ppl were so foolishly Into the first “5 eps in a row” release and i was like “no i don’t like this” and then a year later i was like “you see. You See.” rip

i think we can even ffw to sutm at that point lol....im like im in this for lars okay lmfao kinda Shrugggg @ things by this point lol like finale shminale. where’s he at. and i really wasn’t paying a world of attention to like, prior-to-release lore n announcements so i was just plunged into this chaos of like sorry???? excuse me?? of all the people in the world sarah stiles?????? lfsdj like noooo don’t show me these tweets lmfao......truly it’s fine i’m being Hilarious but it’s also very real that like, when i see things like “showtime(tm)” or “SHO” or “billions content” i’m just doused with Dread b/c i hate this series lmao i swear to christ. but it’s really Fine lmfao like. i was kinda “eh :/” to “yea this is alright” about the rest of it but spinel was The Highlight lmfao and having $50 to go ham on her animation was great but really the voice acting Made It.....like the entire takeaways was uh the other friends sequence and fuckin uhh this part. fuck it up ms. stiles........hit it out of the park..........cain was the first funny bitch and spinel was the second. that thought just came to me and i will not elaborate. call that a revelation. oh and also it was a relief cuz i was like “i s2g if this Antagonist is like, aquamarine-style annoying af....i will die” but No. spinel is annoying af in another way which is her rights and i don’t want to die about it lmfao. she’s good.......i don’t even resent the “how come whenever some rando shows up ready to literally kill everyone for no good reason, all of you are ready to be like ‘wow an icon’ and we can’t have 10% of that energy for the teen who’s kinda bitchy b/c he’s annoyed by life and crap???” thing b/c i mean, she had her whole Arc all at once and also is good enough for it i think. the nadir was when the one rando shows up for like One episode like “i Don’t want to kill everyone :3 syke >:)” and for some reason people were like “omg iconic. call them on their ‘don’t kill everyone’ bullshit” like lol i hate you guys

well i like lars’s [last outfit we see him in] and i feel like it only backs up the bi agenda. another epic gamer moment had been when it became a Popular Hc that lars is trans b/c he is lmao. and everyone was all “why is everyone sayign this why would you want him to be trans he sucks” like get good grandma!!!!!!!! it’s too late. well that’s the end of my post. me in 2014 being like “wow way to have something to keep up with b/c now i have to outlive it to get all the dnads content i guess” and here i am. but it’s almost April 2020 so. haha 

hmm what’s a less ominous ending. oh shit another thing that was funny is i was like So about these Skull Plugs featured in this semi-official drawing of lars once and then horror club came out (fun b/c i like horror) and had the skull plugs for Real & they were glow in the dark. that was a big day for me even seeing the promos lmfao. except then i guess it was foreshadowing, so again i end this with Death. don’t we all

wait no lsfdjs What tf was matthew moy talking about “i like your hair.” dude dropping an i-guess cut line on us lmfao. alright alright im done

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

Tomorrow Never Came PT. 4

You have one job - travel decades into the past and save your mother from a horrible future. You can’t fail or you’ll have to start over again completely, and you have to act on your own. Already having broken rule number two, a new revelation forces you to reflect on how much impact you’ll truly have, not just on your mother’s life, but on other’s as well. 

Read PT. 1 here | Read PT. 2 here | Read PT. 3 here

(a/n: i wish i could have put more deacon in this ksdkfjsd i love him but it felt forced if i put too much in there. anyways big things happening here hehe ok not huge but still wild. im gonna go to a basketball game now pray that the nacho cheese is good bc im craving a walking taco)

“So you were just working and you heard this loud boom? That’s terrible!” Brian exclaimed, leaning forward from between you and John. His abnormally long legs were spread out, leaving you scarcely any room to sit comfortably as the six of you chatted away.

“Yes, it was quite terrifying, really,” Mary practically gushed, leaning over Freddie’s lap as they lounged on the floor together, Freddie’s back against the side of the chair Roger was casually seated in. “There were hundreds of us in there, I’d never learned any protocol on how to handle a bomb threat. Closed us down until a few days ago, the back room was in shambles!”

“Who did it?” you questioned, genuinely curious about who would have a beef with Biba in this day and age. That being said, you also knew this day and age almost purely in textbook definitions and whatever the limited scope of your world had to offer you in the last two months – so basically, you only knew 70’s Kensington.

“Wasn’t it the Angry Brigade?” John chimed in, rifling through a magazine lackadaisically as he spoke. “I think I read that they claimed it in IT.”

“What have they got to be so angry about?” you asked, Roger snorting and letting his head fall back against the chair as he rested a leg on Freddie’s shoulder, quickly getting it brushed off. Giving Freddie a sour look, he hooked his legs over the armrest instead, lazing back in the chair and getting extra comfortable as he began to speak.

“I’d be angry if I had horrid taste in clothing too. Imagine wanting to bomb Biba and thinking ‘Wow, I’m really letting those fashionable fuckers have it! Anarchy!’”

Freddie toyed with Mary’s hair as she draped herself over his lap completely. Smiling at the sweet gesture, you hugged your knees to your chest and rested your chin on your right knee, looking down at the couch in front of you and tugging on a frayed fabric.

“Well, at least you’ve got a job again,” Freddie directed at Mary, who nodded and smiled as she leaned into his hand that was running through her hair.

“And you’ve got a place to come pester me besides my flat,” she added, laughing when Freddie retracted his hand and gave her a resentful glance before crossing his arms. “I’m joking, I love when you come see me at work, lovie! Don’t stop playing with my hair, I like it.”

Rolling his eyes playfully, Freddie sighed before going back to running his fingers through her hair. You were observing their conversation all the while, so when they quieted, you looked up and found that Roger had also been watching them. He looked up and met your gaze, pretending to gag himself with his middle finger and making you laugh as you turned away from him.

“What’s so funny? Surely, it’s not Roger.” Brian’s tone held a sort of faux innocence, but he was clearly prying at Roger’s patience – what was new, though? In the handful of times you’d been around this rag tag group of friends for the past two months, they had tested each other’s patience in every way possible. Yet here everyone was, laughing and having a good time with each other over a couple bottles of cheap wine. You regretted that you didn’t get to spend more time with them – you used overtime hours at the café as an excuse, but you knew that it was mainly because you really didn’t want to cry any harder than you already were going to when you had to return to your actual reality.

“I’ll have you know, Brian, I’m a regular comedian!” Roger protested, taking a sip of his wine as he glared over the rim at the curly-haired giant next to you. “Y/N was laughing at me, in fact. Or maybe it was your pants, who knows?”

Brian looked down at his admittedly hideous trousers, a shitty shade of brown that did not compliment his skin tone well at all. On top of that, they were a horrendous pinstripe pattern, and they didn’t match the striped green jumper he had on. “I’d rather accept that than even entertain the notion that you were remotely funny enough to make anyone laugh.”

“Salty today, Brian?” you asked, giving him a gently nudge with your elbow and receiving a nudge in response as he chuckled, crossing his arms.

Suddenly, Roger was giggling gleefully to himself, playing with a kerchief he’d had around his neck as he seemed extremely amused by it. “Brian,” you thought you’d heard him mumble, and you raised an eyebrow as you watched his snickers intensify, making him squeeze his eyes shut for a moment. He was clearly enjoying something, and you were eager to know what was so funny about what you’d just said.

“Rog, what in the hell are you going on about over there?” Brian asked, doing the dirty work for you as you watched expectantly, Roger’s eyes raising to meet the gazes of both of you.

His cheeks reddened a bit and he nervously let his eyes fall back to his kerchief, fiddling with it. “Nothing, I just thought of something funny.”

“Let’s hear it then,” you encouraged, giving him a smile as he chuckled and glanced at you quickly, giving an almost ashamed smile while he tried to decide whether he should say it or not. He felt anxious, like he was under a microscope suddenly, and he knew that the joke he’d said in his head was cringe-worthy at best. But you looked so insistent and so supportive of him that he finally grumbled and dropped the kerchief to his lap.

“I was laughing because I thought you called him Brine.”

The look on your face faltered as you struggled to comprehend what he was saying. “You thought I called him Brian? Isn’t that his name?”

“No!” Roger whined, Brian cocking his head to the side and making Roger groan as he pressed a hand to his forehead. “I mean, yes, that’s his name! But I thought you called him Brine, like salt water brine, and I laughed because it’s salty and so is Brine. I mean, Brian. Damn it! It’s fucking funny, okay?” He quickly shot up out of his seat, stomping towards the kitchen as you watched, still just as confused as ever, but Brian was laughing.

“You ever notice how much faster he moves when he’s wrong?” Brian noted, and you couldn’t help but laugh as he rose from his seat, following Roger into the kitchen as he refused to pass up an opportunity to keep giving him hell. Today, and only today, Brian seemed to have time to keep up with Roger.

Keeping up with Roger any other day? Now that was a chore. As much as you tried to focus on the sole reason you were here in 1970’s London, you couldn’t help but be intrigued by Roger as an individual. He was an enigma, his motives, knowledge, and way with words completely baffling to you. With people like Brian, it was easy. Brian, although reserved, was very much an intellectual when he spoke, and he always had a sort of predictability to him. Sure, he was a wild man when he’d had a few pints, but not like Roger. Roger was a wild man every single day, and it excited you so much that it simultaneously exhausted you.

You were lulled out of your thoughts by the feeling of the couch sinking down next to you again, and you found that Roger was now seated next to you instead, in the midst of an argument with Brian.

“Brian, you’re just upset because you’re so clearly up your own arse that you can’t understand anyone else’s humor! Get a grip, mate.” Watching Roger, you observed as he glared at the taller man, who sunk down into the chair that Roger had been in just moments ago.

“Or you just have an unrefined sense of humor?” Brian suggested, his voice laced with the slightest bit of animosity as he tried and nearly failed to ignore the “up your arse” comment. When Roger rolled his eyes and began mocking him in a high-pitched, feminine voice, Brian scoffed and looked down at Freddie, who’d been watching the exchange quietly. “What a pathetic display. I’m genuinely ashamed God made me a man.”

“Yeah, well I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either!” Roger spit back, fire practically shooting out of Brian’s eyes as his head whipped up so he was staring at Roger.

“You fucking wanker! You’re just showing off and trying to be all funny because Y/N is here,” Brian accused, his usually gentle hazel eyes brimming with hostility. Your eyes widened at the tension that settled between the two of them, a heavy weight in the air as you desperately looked at Freddie for some help. Freddie just shrugged, though, offering no assistance and pretending to ignore the petty argument as he braided a small section of Mary’s hair.

“Um, should I go?” you asked, pointing at the door as you glanced between Brian and Roger. Obviously, this tiff had something to do with you, and while you had no idea how, you figured it was best for you to just let them figure it out. Rising to your feet, you tugged your pajama shorts down before grabbing your glass of wine and padding off to Roger’s room as Roger yelled at Brian once again.

“Now you’ve done it, you big moron. You’ve scared our roommate out of her own room! God, you’re really something, Brian.”

Snickering at the fiery words, you shook your head and entered Roger’s semi-messy room, crossing over to the window and curling up in one of the two beanbags situated next to it. Tucking your legs underneath you, you sipped your wine and stared out at the twilight sky, a creamy semidarkness to the horizon that framed the city’s buildings. You could just see the outlines of the church across the street, which made you scowl as you imagined your mom’s haggard face, her head leaning back against that damned rocking chair, just sitting there motionlessly. “Fucking prick,” you muttered, the fleeting thought of your father and the two men from the church poisoning your thoughts, a bitter reminder of your current purpose.

“Yeah, Brian can be a bit of a headcase, but he’s alright sometimes.” You jumped as you suddenly heard Roger’s voice behind you, and you turned to look at him as he crossed the room and stood opposite of you, leaning against the window frame..  “Definitely a fucking prick, though.”

“Oh,” you breathed out softly, furrowing your eyebrows as you pushed all of your previous thoughts out. “Yeah, he’s mental. Funny guy, though.”

“Don’t say that,” Roger groaned, giving you a small grin before he looked out the window as well. “Fred wants you back out there. Says he’s got an announcement.”

“I suppose I better bless the room with my presence then, huh?” you teased, Roger chuckling and pulling you to your feet before letting you lead the way. As you exited his room, he tried and failed to ignore the way your pajama shorts were riding up, just revealing the curve of your ass beneath it. Catching his tongue between his teeth, he had a brief ‘Lord help me’ moment before it was ended all too soon by your hand reaching down to tug the shorts back into their original place again.

Following you out to the main room again, Roger resumed his spot on the couch next to you as Deacon chatted with Mary politely, quieting down when he realized everyone was there again. Brian shifted uncomfortably in the chair, avoiding looking at you or Roger as he waited for Freddie, who was now in the kitchen, to speak.

“Now that we’ve decided to take the band more seriously, I figured I should start taking myself more serious now too.” Freddie walked out with an envelope of things, pulling out what looked like a passport and handing it to Brian, then pulling out a few sketches and handing them to Deacon, who marveled at the artwork as Brian looked up at Freddie. There was an amused look on his face, and you listened curiously as they spoke while you sipped your wine.

“Mercury? Like our song?”

“Freddie fucking Mercury. Doesn’t that sound delightful?” You choked on your sip of wine, turning beet red as they all glanced at you. This was news. Freddie Bulsara was actually Freddie Mercury, standing right here in front of you, your roommate and closest friend for two months, and you’d had no idea. “Well, if you didn’t like it dear, you could have just said so!” Freddie laughed, handing you a paper towel so you could wipe the wine off of your nose.

You laughed nervously with him, cleaning yourself up as you stared up at him, still floored at this development. “Just went down the wrong pipe,” you replied quietly, in awe at the living legend who’d just handed you a paper towel because you were a moron who didn’t put two and two together for actual months. If that was Freddie Mercury, then this must be Queen. It had to be Queen.

Your suspicions were confirmed as Deacon handed the sketches over to Roger, who ooh’ed and aah’ed at them as he eyed the details. There was the Queen crest, and you felt dizzy as you realized how blind you’d been all this time. You were casually rooming with two rock legends and you thought you’d just been slumming with a few students that had side gigs as musicians.

“Mercury seems like a bit much, but then again, you are a bit much,” Brian taunted, Freddie tossing a pillow at him as he sat back down again, chuckling.

“Well, as some illustrious person once said, ‘You can tell a lot about a man by his name.’”

“You just made that up, didn’t you?” Brian asked, raising an eyebrow at Freddie, who laughed once again.

“Maybe. But I do stand by it, honest!”

It all made sense now. Your mom had been a huge fan of these guys – you, not so much, for you were admittedly out of touch with the 80’s and 70’s. But you very vaguely knew about them, and of course, the two remaining members were still bigshots as far as your country was concerned. John Deacon, the bass player who’d dropped off the face of the Earth in the 90’s, lounging at the end of the couch. Brian May, the guitar legend who’d once played on top of Buckingham, squinting at Freddie’s passport and turning it in his hands. And next to you, ogling at the newly designed logo for his band, Roger fucking Taylor, a legend as far as drumming was concerned and one hell of a singer from what your mom had said.

You’d never asked him about the band or about the name. You really had thought they’d just been playing in pubs for fun, which at this point, they might very well be. And you’d never been around to hear them practicing or talking about the band – you’d been too busy in your own little world of the café and the church that you hadn’t paid any mind to their musical work. Now, you realized that you very well should have.

“You want to have a look?” Roger suddenly asked, grabbing your attention again as he offered you the papers, which you accepted shakily. It felt like your head was spinning as you stared down at the iconic crest, the two lions that framed the crown and letter Q, which was topped by a crab. Two fairy women stared up at the Q from below, and a phoenix stole the show at the top of it all, encompassing the entire work and bringing it all around into one big individual crest.

“Don’t hog it, I want to see,” Brian complained, and Roger rolled his eyes as you took a deep breath and handed it to Brian, who switched you for the passport. There was Freddie, long hair, clean-shaven face. This was not the iconic Freddie photo you knew. You only knew Freddie from the mustache, from the unique voice. This was a young Freddie, an inexperienced Freddie – this was not the same rock legend that your mom adored back in the present.

Oh, God. “I need some air, I’m getting a bit overheated,” you murmured, handing off the passport to Roger, who glanced at you curiously before looking over the document with Deacon. Excusing yourself, you tiptoed back to Roger’s room and opened the window, leaning out as your heart sank in your chest, heavy with the weight of what you knew.

Freddie Mercury was dead long before you’d even been born. AIDs had prematurely ended his life, his career, and that was something that even you knew. A man you considered to be one of your best friends as of currently would be dead in 20 years, and there was nothing you could do about it. You couldn’t stay here for a whole two decades, monitoring Freddie, keeping him out of harm’s way. Who knew how he’d contracted the horrible disease? It could have been anything at any time. And that killed you inside.

On the other hand, you had to watch yourself. This was literally Queen you were talking about here - if you meddled any more than you currently were, who knows what kind of shit could happen to the band? How big of an impact were you going to have here? Anything you say could alter their path irreversibly. If it was bad enough, you’d have to restart your mission completely, setting you back months in your progress already. God, this is some Butterfly Effect-type shit. I miss Brooklyn 99 and not having an existential crisis every time I make a choice.

“Freddie asked me to bring this to you, I figured you’d be in here again.” Roger’s voice once again interrupted your train of thought, and you sighed as you waved listlessly at the floor next to you, leaving your head resting on your other arm in the window frame. “You alright? You’re not gonna keel over on me, are you? ‘Cause I’d prefer if you bit the big one in Freddie’s room.”

“Fuck off,” you laughed weakly, sliding back into the room and dragging yourself onto one of the bean bags as you picked up the refilled wine glass that he’d brought you. When you looked up at him, he shrugged and took a seat across from you, his legs tangled with yours in the small space. “Sorry for being a party pooper. Just have a lot on my mind, and I’m tired.”

“Well, you are working a lot,” Roger remarked, a worried expression crossing his face as he crossed his arms. He was undeniably gorgeous, even in the dark. The streetlights coming in from the window highlighted his face in a way that made his cheekbones seem even more prominent, his jawline sharper than usual, casting an angular shadow on his neck. Light played around in his eyes, making them paler but just as striking as he observed you with a concerned eye. “Maybe you should take some time off, you’ll catch your death if you don’t relax a bit.”

His words were sinfully calming to you, and you beat yourself up inside as you sipped at your wine glass, tearing your eyes away from his irresistible gaze to look out the window at the now-night sky. “No, I need to focus on work,” you murmured, an uneasy look passing over your face as you avoided his piercing gaze, refusing to falter. You had to focus. Your mom’s livelihood was in your hands. “It’s too important.”

“Are you not important too?” he questioned, making your heart race. You couldn’t help yourself – you met his gaze once more, chewing on your lip as the intimidating stare seemed to try and pick you apart, piece by piece. He was worried about you - this meant he was genuinely attached to you, and that terrified you. But you couldn’t help yourself once again - you had to pry. 

“I don’t know. Am I?”

PT. 1 PT. 2 PT. 3

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