#im already tired and stressing out dont do this to me
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i need this website to work properly i didnt mean to either rb that or post something else on my art blog smh
#my posts#im already tired and stressing out dont do this to me#i was complaining about a current assignment and my situation is a bit worse now lol and lmao even#i. idk man#like i was already complaining bc i have to do some interviews and testing and it Should be at my house but i live kinda 2 hours away from.#like. everyone#either making them come over or going to where they live is Bad#and i had one option for one person#.... shes busy which. you know. i can respect. life is life i cant make people do whatever i want just bc i want them to#but im kinda out of ideas#idk lol and lmao#if we could do it like. via zoom or whatever id have it done easier i think#bc i just ask and ask and ask until anyone agrees and thats it fuck it#i hate it here lmao
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#i called my dad and he's gonna fly out tomorrow#i feel so bad dragging him out here just bc im having some sort of breakdown#he's already been thru so much in the last 2 months. i hate that ive added to his stress#i dont kno how im gonna get things done this week. or how im gonna get thru the rest of the semester. or what im gonna do this summer#my life just feels like an absolute disaster. it's all been leading up to this: a catastrophic meltdown#but im stuck not being able to meet with my counselor until may 6th. not that it was very helpful last time. nor was my emergency session on#Thursday. i just dont kno what to do. so that makes it hard for ppl to help. i just feel like im a child throwing a tantrum#i just want to burn it all down. im so tired. i dont kno y i picked a career that makes me feel so stupid#maybe i should just stop. defer a semester or stop altogether and do something else#i dont have the self discipline to do something so far above my head. i dont care enough. i dont care about anything#ugh. but my dad is coming tomorrow so i should clean my room and try to get my assignments done before he gets here#ugh. this just sucks. its so stupid and frustrating#unrelated
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🤧🐀🌧️🌊
#need to clear my head;#im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn#trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come#nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired#i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out.#like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u#also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my#eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm#bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna#be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk#idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not#sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow#nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just#dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to ://#i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool.#then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway..#im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀#im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks.#but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol#im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired#i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do#anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can
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i have to make appointments & also let my doctor know id rather continue one of the new meds she put me on bc it actually helped but ive been completely unmedicated for 2 fucking days & the thought of doing Anything makes me wanna throw up im so over being a person
#mine#i rly do not have it in me to make appointments dawg i have medical trauma can i get used to one new doctor#before im tossed around like a gd hot potato to numerous others. i literally attend my appointments w my cane#what's not clicking abt me having VERY fucking low energy in the aftermath of sm straining stress bruh#but like i dont have a choice bc i could have some of my meds stopped if i dont see certain doctors & im just here like 🫠#i feel somewhat stupid like damn i rly thought finally i had a chill doctor w common sense but no i still gotta fight for my gd life#just be given say over MY OWN GODDAMN WELLBEING#'oh well this causes physical health concerns' to be completely blunt idfc anymore.#truly i fucking do not#my body is a fucking nightmare my entire system resents at this point bc we always have some lvl of bs going on w it#we've no choice but to stop fucking caring bc the numerous mental strains we're dealing w worsen them ON THEIR OWN#& also like literally fuck off bc my body wouldn't be this shit if doctors actually TOOK CARE OF ME PROPERLY#before it got this bad.#there's no fucking fixing shit now by worsening my already overwhelmed & strained body/mind by making me a gd hot potato#if im not Actively Perishing or on the immediate brink of the risk IDC#I NEED TO FUCKING BE ALLOWED TO //CHILL THE EVER LOVING FUCK OUT//#//that// SHOULD BE THE PRIORITU#ive been strained for YEARS but esp since last year to a CONSTANT degree#can i fucking get one GODDAMN foot on the ground to pick myself back up jfc#im so tired & annoyed & sick of there always being SOMETHING#i just wanna fucking chill & finish my preps to stream again & get back to pursuing what i love please#im gonna LOSE MY MIND
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i hate the binge model actually. its one thing for me to sit down and, of my own volition, watch 8 hours worth of television on my day off but having shows drop half or whole seasons in a single day and then being expected to have watched them in their entirety in that first 24 hours if you dont want to be spoiled everywhere you look is just insane
#more personal rant in the tags#so i have 2 jobs and one of them is writing like i dont get paid much but i do get paid#but it comes with this expectation that i am watching EVERYTHING the moment it comes out#qnd i can keep up with a lot#but like wheel of time just started s2 qnd they dropped 3 hour long episodes the first day#and babe i just dk not have the time to watch all 3 on top of the many other shows im already keeping up with#i watched all of heartstopper s2 in a day qnd couldnt even enjoy it cause it felt like qn obligation#obviously it being work influences how i engage w it but ive had a TON of fun writing about shows that didnt stress me out#idk im just tired i liked the breathing room and the hype that came with weekly releases if they wanna be cable 2.0 anyway#might as well bring back some of the good stuff and not just the shit#shut up em
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Oh mind electric we're really in it now.
#Cade.Txts#i think about tht song all the time.#when they say: Someone help me / Understand what's Going on Inside my Mind! / Doctor I can't tell if I'm Not Me!#I felt tht shit#like man.................me too.#idk tht bit of lyrics has always kinda hit me hard specifically.#Anyways how is everyone doin. sorry I don't ;ost much anymore.#I am posting on my stimblog mostly now BHINJGFDNI if u wanan see stimboards check it out.#im doing a series of stimboards on my favorite pokemon#so far got two boards out already d:)#Wanna keep working on it but i should also make gifs of stuff.#been kind of stressed by shit lately thts unrelated. worried about bigfoot.#he's been acting weird lately. real sluggish n tired. his teeth are bad- n we need to take him to get them checked#but it cost like. 600 to just get a few teeth taken from our dog frankie.#s o. -slides stimboard commission post on my stimblog- /nf#dont like advertising it. feels weird making things for money but if he does need teeyh removed#idk any other way i could make money for it.#hes just got me worried. he's a old man- even tho i always forget he is-#thinking about losing him scares me. am probably rly over thinking shit- he's old course he sleeps n lays around a lot.#but im stil worried.#ANYWHO. stimboard grind 24/7
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My physio wants me to go outside and walk every day. I feel like I should have warned her that the likelihood of me having that kind of energy is incredibly small, and even if it's there, that energy needs to go towards shit like cooking before trips outside
#delete later#it makes me feel lazy sometimes that i hsve so little energy but at thr same time i know that its not my fault#trying to keep a good level of functioning in terms of self care like eating and washing and chores is already really difficult#whilst working full time. i may have the energy for every other day after the flat inspection. tonight i need to reserve energy for#tidying and shit before that. im so tired i legitimately had to fitce myself not to lie down earlier bc i knew I wouldn't be getting back u#idk what the fuck is wrong with me but this is how ive been since i was like 11/#12 and had to lie down after school#i also keep teetering on the edge of a real freak out. ive been switched to probrct management again so im doing a bunch#of emailing abd communicating and checking. most of which doesnt have concrete answers and relies on understanding#whst ppl are trying to say in their survey responses. which i rly rly struggle with. and on top of that several things#have changed this week at work ahd its impacted my workload sbd responsibilities a lot so im trying to breathe theough it#but im incredibly frustrated and stressed and overwhelmed and having to spend at least a couple hours under weighted blanket each day#most ofbthe tine i dont require the weighted blanket its just nice. i require it right now. frustrating
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i life is fucking falling apart out of nowhere and i dont know what to do sbout it
#im so so fucking tired and stressed and angry and upset and i cant do anything#my cat is hurt and in pain and we cant even get her to eat even though she hasnt eaten in days#but i dont know what to do about it when she refuses to eat#and weve spent over $600 on her medical care so far and we already dont have lots of money to waste#and its all our fault snd its all MY fault for letting her leave the house#but i cant DO anything about it because even now my mom leaves the doors and windows wide open for the cats to go out snd get themselves#killed because she just doesnt fucking care and i cant DO anything about it i cant keep them safe on my own#i dont even know if shes going yo survive this or if shes gonna have long lasting effects forever#and now my computer keeps bluescreening repeatedly and im not good enough with computers to know how to fix it#and im too fucking stupid to follow instructions and i dont know what to DO#and im scared my computer is gonna die for real and then whats gonna be of me#im spending so much money more money than i even have to pay for this computer#and its one of the only good things i have in my stupid fucking life right now and i cant do anything as i watch it bluescreen#im fucking scared and stressed and anxious and i cant fucking do this#whatever sorry. rant over i just needed to talk
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ugh moment
#i hate expressing my mental state on here#but fucking god#im so genuinely burned out i have like 0 will to keep going anymore#i have to pull through another 3 months but it seems so impossible i am so exhausted#ive never been more disappointed in myself#i already gave up on trying to get into uni this year but i still have to finish school#i have a spanish final tmrw and im so fucking stressed i dont remember anything bc im#so burned out i cant study anymore#i stare at my notes and cant even read them#i always loved studying and now mere thought fills me with so much dread because its the only thing#ive been doing for the past 3 years with no brrak and it won't even pay off bc#my mental health doesn't allow me to keep on going like thie#even if i miraculously got into uni id probably drop out because i. need.a break.#yeah whatever#im just really disappointed and heartbroken that things turned out that way#but mostly tired#i still have to work my ass of each day just to pass and it wont even matter because i have to get a gap year#vent#ignore
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lallaaalalala just some things on my mind
#this has been a rant#<- in advance. im going off in the tags. xo#getting close to making a decision abt doctoral programs is STRESSING ME OUT even tho i think ik which i'll choose#one ik will be a good school environment and will be manageable but the other has much. better training and will prep me for#literally anything i could want to do with a whole ass doctorate afterwards when im licensed#next thing. i fucking hate that i have no clue what i look like objectively lmfao. losing weight is great and all (healthy) but#it's fucking with my idea of myself even more than it ever was bc. now it's a 'bad' thing that some things look big on me#(bc THEY FUCKING ARE lol) like today i ended up buying some clothes and yay great but like. my mom was like#yeah so you can wear these instead of what. ur wearing now bc that's gotten big on you etc#and im just ksjghdf it's just a little baggy and also i like it?? but ok whatevesjkdkfdhkh i like the. new ones too im juyst. ??#just in general there's always gonna be Something yknow? annoying. anyway#next thing is that im away w family rn and lovemy fam love spending time with them but it;'s been TWO DAYS and im already#losing......so much patience with some people like. my younger cousins. im. GRR.and i love having some other people around#but we're meeting up w the rest of our group tom and we'll basically be DOUBLE in size for the next week plus and im so#nervous that i'm already at my last nerve with everyone adn that i'll be too overwhelmed/tired/etc that i won't enjoy the rest of the trip#next thing is that it's WILD graduation is literally in six weeks but so mmuch has to happen before then it's making me dizzy#other side note thing im beyond excited to see taylor and have weird anxiety about it but meh. im fucking PUMPED#another thing. it's someones bday tomorrow who ive had a Rough year with (ive mentioned stuff abt them before) and it's just. weird feeling#i dont rem if they even texted me for my bday now im curious im gonna go look lmfao but. obv i'll text them anyway#it's just ... lots of weird feeling thinking abt how much has changed in a year with them. shrug#ok maybe that's it woo
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#i experience an emense amount of guilt ovet not being able to focus on work. go into the lab and run into a lab mate and hes like#u leave Thursday? why tf r u here? and that makes me feel a lil better lol#ive just being data entering all day. that takes so fucking long. and then helping an undergrad#exept my code was out of date so i was like welp i can only get u this far bc i did not write this code. i do not work with the#supercomputer on a regular enough basis. and i gave my 30 days notice today so ill be working remotely until the 18th#i probably should have done it way before but like ive still got so much to do i might as well get paid for doing it#the undergrad was like id probably work to the end bc i feel lost when im not working and i was like. bro. im so fucking brunt out that ppl#around me r like yo r u ok? theres a thing as too much work. dont cross that line. snd ill still probably work to the end bc i dont wanna#have to do it on top of other shit. but god. in a few days i never have to go back in that building again#sometimes having to be in that lab would make me feel physically ill i thibk just bc i have so much stress associated with standing at that#lab bench but woof i will not miss it. its not great. the ppl r nice but like the institution kinda sucks. but i probably#wasnt the best fit for the school. i only cane out here for my advisor and on that front i have no regrets#god im so tired tho. just make it Thursday already so my parents can b helping me move >~< lets fucking goooooo#srry for not posting much drawing wise. i prob wont b able to for a while as i transition across the country lol#also. a note to myself. i should get a proper sketchbook so i can actually draw out ideas and store them in a place. that would b convenient#god. its so hot 😖 let me leave#unrelated
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#a B in a bio class isnt the end of the world. a B in a bio class isnt the end of the world. a B in a bio class isnt the end of the world#I have such a complex about doing bad in academics but especially in bio because like. thats supposed to be the one thing im good at#but this class keeps throwing me curve balls and im not doing Bad but not good enough to the point that I feel sick to my stomach#at the thought of studying for the exam#and i dont have enough time i dont have enough time to study for my chem final which is in THREE DAYS.#With everything else also happening#I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel like i felt so much more confident in previous finals seasons#i dont know man academics were so much easier for me in high school#i dont even know if i wanna be a doctor anymore. i dont know if the dread I feel at the thought is because im just lazy and uncompetitive#or that its a sign that im going in the wrong direction#and the only thing im confident in anymore is my love for fandom stuff#but even then i dont feel good about my art half the time#im just tired of being stressed I guess. why do i have to kill myself for 8 months a year only to come out of it for like a week or two#to catch my breath. i feel like im going insane#this cant be right. this cant be right#shut up me#i did way too much this term and it almost killed me. but i feel so weak and lazy for not being able to do it all#Im already taking fewer classes next term and an extra year to graduate. I dont know why i cant handle the pressure the way my siblings can#ugh. whatever#i ha. i dont have time for this#vent
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I’m going actually insane rn tbh
#i want to say something but I’m afraid I’ll look like an asshole#but idk…if you don’t get more sarcastic or joking commentary#or don’t really do analysis#I’m not sure you’ll enjoy this blog!#and I really really really don’t enjoy getting comments that basically amount to ‘HUH?’ or otherwise miss the point#i know I don’t HAVE to explain everything but then I feel guilty and obligated to and it’s just stressful esp when it was lighthearted#I’ve been getting a lot of comments on stuff where it feels like people are just confused by me? or not reading all of the post? and idk#what to do about that bc it does bother me tbh#i get notifications for it yknow#like I do like having people interact but only if it’s actually relevant you know#AUGHH this doesn’t make sense. i should’ve been an askblog tbh#I’m not anti comment just. pro comments being about the post#/not missing something that was already addressed#i don’t want to seem mean it’s just stressing the hell out of me lmao#like am I really this bad at explaining myself?#ugh. sorry guys just disregard this#i mean I’m pretty genuine irl so if you legit don’t understand something you can just send me an ask. you don’t have to bombard a post#i don’t want people to be confused I’m happy to explain it#you can also put commentary in tags#PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS SERIOSULY IM JUST TIRED#and not v good w people stuff#afraid I’ve been seeming bitchy today. no one said anything but I’m afraid#my post
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#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
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think i migght acactully drop out of school lmao i cannot do this shit anymore . i was fine a second ago but the thoughts got too strong and so now im Mad
#school doesnt start for another month and im already stressed and i just know that when school does start my mental health is just#going to rapidly decline and im gonna not have energy to do anything anymore n im sjut gonna fucking die#like if im being honest since i stopped going to school last year around like november/december my mental health has been Better#not good and not great but better than it is when im in school and i feel like that says a lot.#idc if dropping out means my entire family disowns me my moms already tired of me not going to school bc ive been struggling since#6th grade and its like. ok.#i might as well just not try#like ill be doing online school this year so not going back to public school but still dude i dont want to#i dont wanna do this shit for another 2 fucking eyars ive struggled enough already i cant Take It#i wanna fuckin move out so bad i dont wanna do this shit no more <3#evereyones like 'oh i could never drop out of school id ruin my relatinship with my mom' n its like#ok well for me theres no relationship to ruin between us in the first place. she hates me and i hate her n thats just how its gonna be#she already is like ignorant when it comes to school n me being in school so why even fuckin bother this year right#seriously just considering dropping out i really dont wanna do this becauuse doing school is just going to take such a tolll on me and like#i just . dont wanna go through it! im done! the american education system can suck my dick.#i dont even think im gonna graduate at 18. i dont think im gonna graduate ever. i didnt finish 6th grade and completely skipped 7th#i pretty much failed 8th bc my grades went down bc i didnt go to school bc of the whole covid thing n i manually passed but that#doesnt count bc i was already skipping school n didnt do the online classes. i didnt finish 9th bc that was also during like the height of#the pandemic and 10th was just a disaster and on my last day i had pretty much an anxiety attack in my 4th period bc my teacher was#a fucking loser.#so. im just done! im fucking done.#not gonna graduate. oh well.
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rant in the tags
#tw depression#i feel like i do this song and dance every two months or so#but im once again at the point that im considering admitting myself to a mental hospital#i literally can't take care of myself and i have no energy or motivation to do so#the house is a mess and my roommate is basically the only one doing anything around here#except for taking care of her cat. i do that.#and i raced this weekend with my friends and i felt so useless the whole time#like he was airborne in turn 3 at irp and when we got the car back in our pit box i basically just couldn't do anything#like yeah there were already 3 people examining the car#i felt like i was more in the way tho than anything#i just stood there holding the deformed tire and trying to figure out what was going on#and sure it was my first time really doing anything racing wise but still i should have been able to do more#i dont have an appointment with my therapist for another three weeks and i don't want to text her this late at night#and while my parents know my mental state is super fragile right now my mom didn't help#she just showed me this church sermon about how i should be proud to be me#like 1. why would you show me that 2. why did you show me that when i told you i was going back to ohio right then#and my dad stressed me out yesterday after i was already in a pissy mood after the brickyard but he bought me lunch bc he felt bad#i feel like mental health wise he's the only one i can talk to but i don't want him to call me right now#and he's been trying hard to keep me out of a mental hospital#even once i came clean and told him what a piss poor job i've been doing at taking care of myself#so i dont know what will happen if i tell him this time#on top of all this im dealing with some serious body dysmorphia that came up after my therapist asked if i was considering top surgery#like yes but only slightly#and now i'm having a full blown identity crisis#so yay... fun times for me i guess#i honestly should probably text my dad instead of venting but i also don't want him to drop everything and come out here#that would make me feel 100 times worse at the moment#i dont even feel anything at this point#just numb. tired. exhausted. drained.#enough ranting for now i think
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