#im like the dad in inside out who’s base emotion is anger

[gotham--fc]

My dentist: have you been stressed lately? You’ve been grinding your teeth

Me: no but I’m angry most of the time

[frenchrebelfries]

Fury’s Daughter

AN: Idk wth I just wrote... I just got this idea so yeah... Happy Reading!

.

You are the adoptive daughter of Nick Fury, when you were 5 he adopt you when your parents died on a plane crash that was cause by Hydra, your parents and Nick were good friends that’s why he took you in.

You were a smart kid, always analyzing things, Fury told everything to you and never lie. To protect your identity Nick made you a new one as you volunteer to be an agent of Hydra to gain information and was branded by the organization. You did dangerous mission and always getting out alive.

You were then sent back to and joined the Avengers initiative but the avengers were suspicious of you as you came out of nowhere, no files, no nothing but a name and Fury’s trust.

No one knew who you are to protect your identity in recon so the avengers treated you coldly but you didn’t care, you didn’t tell it to your father about the situation you are in because you were train to adapt and you did. You were kind to them and all as you and Natasha got closer… like really close. Out of all Natasha Romanoff is the one you have trusted the most.

.

.

You got out from the elevator after a short report you did to Nick about the information you got for the Winter Soldier when you heard the laughing of the team as they sat in the living room with pizza on the table as they talked and laugh at each other.

The laughter halted when they all noticed you and silence came… you knew you were never welcome her but your father trust them so you really had no choice but to put up with it, sensing their discomfort you just gave them a nod greeting them.

“Good evening Avengers” no one answered as you expected and left and went to your room, you heard a light foot steps following you and a hand holding your wrist and seeing a familiar red head you have fallen with for the past few weeks.

“Hey Y/N, I’m sorry about the boys you know how hard headed they are” she sincerely apologized to you as you gave her a soft smile

“it’s ok Natasha, I know they still don’t fully trust me and I understand why, so it’s cool” you replied to her as she looked at you suspiciously searching your face for any lies but you being good at hiding your emotion she immediately gave up when she didn’t find one.

“So… Movie night?” she asked cheekily at you as your brows furrows

“what about the others?” you asked her as she started pulling you towards her room as she shrugged

“they can take care of themselves, come on!”

.

.

One day when you were alone practicing in the gym at 6 am of the morning you accidentally took off your clothes leaving you in your sports bra forgetting that Steve Rogers is always awake at that time and saw your Hydra mark on your chest and thought of you as an enemy and told the team as they planned to eliminate you on the next mission.

To eliminate the Hydra scum.

.

.

“can I get a hand over here?” you heard Clint said in the coms as you took down the last guy from your floor inside a hydra base that you’ve been recon last week

“I’m coming on your way” you answered running to Clint’s direction knowing the base like the palm of your hands as you shot a Hydra soldier who was sneaking behind him

“Thanks” you nodded at him you continue your pursuit taking down agents as you skillfully glide yourself on the battle field.

The battle had stop when Clint finished the last guy as Steve and Natasha immerge from the control room with a case on hand.

They must have gotten the information

“Mission complete, how’s the perimeter Tony?” Captain said on the coms as you get close to Natasha scanning her for any injuries and sighted in relieve when you found none.

“Perimeter is clear as the sky Steve were ready to go home” you smiled at the thought of home… Fury promised you a dinner with Maria and Coulson when you get back since things have been busy these couple of week and you were really excited about it since it’s going to be your first dinner with them again since you got back from recon.

“time for phase 2 then, Romanoff” you frowned at Steve’s word

Phase 2? You never heard about it when at the briefing

You were still in confusion when Steve called Natasha and you felt a searing pain by your side

You wiped your head to your side seeing a knife… a knife you gifted to Natasha lunge by your side.

You looked at her eyes full of betrayal and so as Clint and Steve who was in there with you.

“Phase 2 complete, were leaving, now die you Hydra scum” Steve said voice full of spite hearing a ‘good job’ from Tony and a ‘let’s go’ from Clint as you fall down on your knees looking at their retreating figure leaving you.

The last one you saw was the red headed assassin taking one last look at you as they close the door as your whole body fall down on the cold ground.

You shakily grabbed your phone dialing your father’s number as he answered rather cheerful

“Y/N why are you calling me? Is your mission done?” you heard your dad’s voice making you tear up a bit

“D-dad…”

“get your ass here kid Maria and Coulson just arrived here and im about to finish cooking these turkey”

“c-can I have a rain check on the dinner dad… I kinda messed up…” your voice was now shaking and you are feeling colder than usual the blade may have a poison as you felt a burn and getting light headed faster than normal.

Fury must have sense that there is something wrong by the way your voice sounded

“Y/N what happened? Are you ok?” you can hear his voice full of worry as you heard Maria and Coulson from the background asking what’s wrong.

“I-I think I was the p-phase 2 of S-Steve’s plan dad… it’s really g-getting cold here ya know” blood tricked on the ground from your wound

Your vision darken as flashes of memories filled your eyes.

You can hear the shuffles from the other line saying they are tracking my call and will be sending medical help

“I’m s-scared d-dad… I still d-don’t wanna go” you cried,

“Help is on the way Y/N keep holding on I’m here for you kid” you can hear the shakiness of your father’s voice, you kept trying to keep your eyes open and now seeing dark spots forming.

“T-thanks for everything dad… tell Maria and Coulson I love them…” your voice was barely audible hearing their cried for you to wake up.

“Keep your eyes open for me kid… please”

“I-I think a need a nap… l-love you dad” and you were gone.

They kept calling for you but you never answered back.

.

.

Fury along with Maria and Coulson with a medical team arrived at the base eyes redden because of crying as they found you on the cold ground with your phone by your side and a stab.

Fury cradle you like a baby as the medic announced your death with Maria and Coulson crying by the side.

.

.

“Did you check the monitors?” Fury’s cold voice echoed in a quinjet as your cold body layed beside him with your head on his lap stroking the hair that is covering your face.

“you’re not gonna like it boss…” Maria said with blood shot eyes as she played the video of Steve ordering the Phase 2 and Natasha Romanoff stabbing you as they left you.

“call them up at SHIELD… they would pay for what they did to her” Nick ordered as Coulson took his phone out to call them.

Nick glanced at you as he swiped some blood by your mouth hugging your corpse closer to him.

.

.

.

They avenger’s arrived at SHIELD seeing Fury holding Y/N’s hand as she lay dead on the table with Maria and Coulson by the back holding back their anger.

“what is this Fury?” Steve stepped out in confusion to why they got the body of Y/N

“What is the phase 2 Captain” Nick’s voice was colder than usual

“… to eliminate the Hydra-“ Steve answered as the other’s stayed silent

“and who is the Hydra?”

 “Y/n…”

 Then there’s silence, the team were uncomfortable with the silence but Steve was getting impatient with all of it.

“Look I don’t know what is your point here but you should thank us for killing the mole here Fury”

Fury looked at them as Coulson held Maria who was about to attack Steve as Fury spoke…

   “I see no dead mole here Rogers… all I see is my dead daughter”

  The team’s eyes widen as they froze from there spot

“W-what?” Bruce asked

“Y/N Fury... is my daughter who you called a Hydra scum”

“B-but she had the brand-“

“She had the brand because she was undercover inside Hydra that gave her the mark to extract information for your missions that is saving billions!” Fury angrily shouted making them all flinch.

All of it dawned to them as Natasha fall into her knees realizing she killed a hero… she killed her friend who trusted her… she killed the person who loved her…

“I pulled her out of the recon to keep her safe knowing her all her covers were blown, I put her into your team so she can be protected thinking after all those years of being away we can have a normal dinner like she wanted for years, I trusted my daughter in your hand yet you are the one who killed her…”

Fury stood up tears streaming down on his face

“Avenger Initiative’s termination is effective immediately, all of you would be put in maximum security prison for killing Y/N Fury” Agents entered taking their weapons and cuffing them

 “Nick… I’m sorry” Steve’s voice filled with regret rang out as Fury looked at him coldly throwing a file on the ground in front of him as the content spilled revealing pictures of the Winter Soldier.

 “Y/N wanted to give you this information from the last recon she was put in to, James “Bucky” Barnes is alive and now known as the Winter Soldier who is working for Hydra and has killed thousands”

Steve’s face was full of shock knowing his best friend Bucky is alive…

“Nick-“

“I’m sorry to cap…” Fury cut him off and coldly apologies to Steve who is now confuse to why as everyone in the room looked at them in silence.

 “you took someone dear away from me… and now I’m taking yours, Good Bye Avengers and thank you for your service” before Steve and others could react they were all tranquilized knocking them out cold and only waking up in a glass cell with Ross smirking at them as they sat there in silence thinking the things that they have done for you.

“welcome to your new life Avengers…in prison!” and a loud laugh erupted from Ross as he walked out as ex-heroes gazes followed his exit.

[tsunderedoctor]

 I saw about the match up and I was literally fuming with envy- so well uhm.. can I also ask for a march up 🏃‍♀️GWISGJIFOWE 

So anyways, I’m an ENTP. My friends says that I’m a dense hyper bimbo (this close to bonking their head-) I kinda lack some emotions(like sympathy and anger) but I’m still able to feel them.. I think😰when I find a mistake at something I tend to redo it all over again(but sometimes I’m just too lazy to do it again so I’ll just take them to trash)😞 

I am really nice 🤗(hoping) I tend to get a lil bit of obsessive, well obsessive sounds like a red flag so imma change it to “I tend to pay attention too much at someone when they make me happy”... dry convo is a NONO for me 😤I’m clingy af (I will admit it), also touch starved(NO ONE HUGGED ME FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS) so I think my love language is skin ships and anything skin to skin thingy 🚶‍♀️my adoration/love can be suffocating tho😰I’m kinda childish too(I get that a lot) 😭SO YEA

I daydream LIKE A LOT, nbhd, arctic monkeys and eyedress are my favs, I like cold weathers, anything sweet, cute plushies, I’m kinda sensitive physically so I flinch lot of times(IM NOT ABUSED ISTG-) 😞I like my eyes a lot cuz its the same copy of my dad’s

Is height necessary (I saw that they put their height so imma copy them too)😕I get teased a lot by my online friends for being 155cm 😭.. IM SUPER DUMB AT THINGS THAT NEEDS CALCULATIONS but I’m a lil bit of good at arts, music, history, language class and social studies so😋I like cute but loose clothing that’s all 🏃‍♀️BAIII LOVE YOUR BLOG BTW😻

You sure can, my love~! You are so cute, omg!!

Hawkins

Hawkins will be great to help mellow out your more hyper behaviors, he’s extremely calm and allows the cards to decide his fate. He might not be spontaneous, but he can be unpredictable based off what the cards decide! 

He’s not much of a skin person, rather he does small acts of service to show his love. If you want more out of him, he will ask the cards for guidance on what he should do. He means well! He just sucks at romance and will need your help to show him how! 

This man screams cold weather to me, like a nice English rainy day with a cup of hot tea! So you two can bundle up together with a soft blanket and watch the rain drizzle by! 

Dragon

This papa is another great match for you! He might look a little intimidating, but he’s a softie on the inside! He’s perfect to tame your more impulsive behaviors and ring you in with his wise words of wisdom! 

He’s a mysterious soul who appreciates that you try to do things over again when you make a mistake. When you get down in the dumps over it, he will remind you to try again and do his best to cheer you on when you need that support!

He sees your childish behavior to be funny, but don’t get on his bad side with it! He can be just a big of a brat tamer as he is a caring lover! As long as you respect him, he will be sure to treat you like royality!

Shirahoshi

This lovely princess is a bit different than the other two men, as she is shy and very soft hearted by nature. I think she will be good for you because even though she is mellow, she will help you calm down around her and you will help her get out of her comfort zone! 

She finds your extroverted behavior to be adorable and she admires you for it as well, as she is usually scared to speak up despite her large height. She appreciates how much you spend making sure she is happy and wants to do the same for you!

Shira can be a bit timid when it comes to physical touch, but she does enjoy it, just give her time to warm up to you and get more comfortable in her own skin when it comes to showing her love!

[anonil88]

Malcolm and Marie live blog

I don't usually do liveblogs for movies but yea.

Spoilers ahead!!

I love that its modern timed but very 70s stylized.

A tune indeed.

When you are high and drunk on success and

How the white critic reacts is why I feel like gatekeeping my scripts. At the same time some things I do make are about race or involve.

Marie sitting on the patio smoking is a mood whenever men are talking.

So he's pretentious and unaware.

Whoever chose the music for this, I feel like we would be Spotify mutuals.

Can this nigga stop pacing.

Also can he stop talking;

Marie is so tired and unimpressed.

Also little booties matter and are to be bitten.

Oooo the tension and the jazz.

Title Card over mac and cheese.

Shitty boxes mac and cheese but still mac and cheese.

Tbh i always wonder if spouses/significant others get upset when their spouses don't acknowledge them during speeches.

John sounds so much like his dad but I really hope his acting style differs from his dad a lot.

Guilty confession?

He did not profit off of his partners backstory and then not even acknowledge her.....I.....

If that ever happened to me catch me cussing my partner out during the beginning credits, the end credits, in the car, and at home.

GASLIGHTER!

The way I'm excited for Zendaya to give me some, oooo can she work with Regina King. Please on my knees I pray.

Um no that's not your job to coddle your lead.

He's a dick and the type of dick who makes himself look like a good person around other people.

If Sam Levinson is trying to make his viewers more of misandrist, it's working.

I feel like Marie has her flaws probably a lot of them and we will surely see as this continues, but Malcolm needs to learn how to apologize sincerely.

70s vibes! 70s vibes!

Them kissing and talking about criticism and dreams makes me miss a partner. A partner that I've had and haven't had.

Women really are behind every great man.

Yea sir you fucked a happy moment.

Oh visual allegories for looking in from the outside and cat and mouse chasing and looking from the outside in.

She's saying she doesn't feel noticed by you.

Gas lighter :0 he called her an emotional support dog, bruh.

I would LOVE to co-write or take a writing class held by Sam Levinson. The fights i write are very much in this same realm of reflection and anger and monologue.

Sam.....sam.....are all the sides inside of you doing okay sir?

The ugly side of dating and being in a relationship with someone who struggles with their own demons.

Honestly I could close my eyes and listen to this script being read without seeing these characters visually. Just close my eyes and get a sense of these characters like it was a radio story.

Oh. Oh this is a new wheelhouse of Zendaya acting; a different voice is like breaking through here and her expressions aren't the same we are used to. You can literally hear another character in there....hmm.

Mans is outside really fighting with his invisible demons lmfao.

Selfish ass, how after everything she said you came out of it thinking about your own craft and self instead of how you hurt her.

So she's conditional.

Me: did sam (a white man) say nigga this many times in his script or are the actors adding their own inflections. Not just the lingo used but the topic of race and directing etc. being written by a white writer about black characters is always gonna be a critique when you're writer is a white person.

Alexa play Broken Girls by Saba

He is so hurtful.

A clown nigga a clown look in the fucking mirror you bozo head ass looking like you need some Mehron clown white and a size 16 in clown shoes.

John is doing a really swell performance and reading of these lines.

He is reading her for her insecurities by bringing up his experiences with other women and that.....is yikes.

Arguments can get messy like this in real life but it takes a lot of maturity and control to either not let it get to this point or have a healthy conversation afterwards.

This film is really shot on some very crisp lenses.

They sitting there like 🚬🧍‍♀️🧍‍♂️.

Leftover Mac and Cheese and unfinished cigarettes.

The nyt etc. pay walls are so annoying, but there is a work around look at the articles on incognito or add a period at the end of the url.

He sounds like his daddy so much here, weird, this is the only part I'm eh on the dialogue it feels real but a bit out of pace in how they are bouncing off one another.

Nail scissors? So the end is not the only part he based off of Marie. 🙄

ITS A GOOD REVIEW YOU DINGUS but also its a full review they are going to critique things. She isn't wrong though he did profit off of a woman's story that was not his own to profit from.

Yes Malcolm because unfortunately all marginalized people look through a lens of life that is inherently political because of the world they live in.

He is so mad and upset and had a lot on his chest. But I think he Malcolm and Sam are talking about something thats an issue and a non issue. Being critiqued for you art is hard but also Malcolm is not super self aware. He's like a stand in figure of for example rich depop sellers who wanna be oppressed so badly they yell at others instead of examining their own personal behaviors and ethics.

Oh Marie, when you know the spark is gone and you pick fights because.

He ain't even ask her to read?

One critic I have for most of hollywood actors is they learn their cry and that is it. A change from this is Margot Robbie, I adore her fluctuations of crying being similar but the crying is carried differently for each character. If I had to say any actor that does a cry scene amazing its this woman right here (Amy Adams)

You stole her story from her and gave it away, she has a right to be upset and angry and a rubber band ball of emotions.

Citizen Kane, not the cinematography, but the story is it even that good? (Unpopular opinion but meh, maybe in my rewatch it will be better.)

But that is what people want authenticity and whatever authenticity means to them. What is real for one is false for another.

To be honest look at the criticism of Euphoria, well earned, but a lot of people were like this isn't real even though he literally wrote about his own life. People said it was inauthentic like....wtf.

Ahh the smoking is just a habit, he quit and she didn't.

CAST ZENDAYA IN A HORROR MOVIE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING. Get Lupita and Zendaya and some more black actors preferably less known ones in a horror movie. One with a interesting script and story, directed by Regina King. Please and thankyou.

I love Marie yep that was amazing.

Behind every great man is a greater woman, one that deserves her credit for how she has stood behind. I wonder the stories of those women, what they have sacrificed or not sacrificed. Their thoughts and feelings when the world is surrounding their partner and views them as a plus one. (I'd write a short script about this but I think do I have the time, can I, or am I equipped ?)

He is a shitty person for bringing up his exes, like she even said I don't wanna know any of that.

Imagine being on anti depressents and rarely having a sex drive and then when you do your partner starts talking about their exes and tearing you apart for all your faults.

I love when you see peaks of Zendaya's cadence in roles.

Tension, what if's and he didn't even bring her up in his speech.

Marie to herself and the audience:

He is not afraid that he will loose her but as my character says in my unreleased story, "i can't wait til you give me a fucking reason to leave your ass." Malcolm expects everything in order for not even doing the bare minimum and she is only asking him for something as simple as consideration. She just wants him to be considerate. He wants to get married and considers their relationship like rolling down a hill at full speed and he cannot apologize, he cannot be considerate, and he cannot admit his wrongs. He can only offer her I love yous that he probably does mean but he does not back up outside of what he's done for her in the past. The past which was more of her experience than his and he sees his part in it as a burden. He doesn't use his own vantage point of the past to further his career he uses her. He does all of these things without a real apology or thankyou because he is not afraid to loose her.

The restrictions of quarantine and the panorama have made Sam's writing very no frills. I wonder how other films from other directors and writers that are filmed in small contained crews like this will be structured. But this was a very good movie gonna add to my letter box 3.3-3.5

Oh shit this is my song,

Ratings/overall thoughts:

Script is like a C+, B- : I could go into my heavier big brain thoughts on the script but I don't feel like it. You catch hints of it above it centers conversation on race and privilege, mainly the writers and questions i have that won't be answered but Sam did make me grow disdain for Malcolm over a short time. Which is sometimes hard to do because im one sympathetic person but the sympathy i have for Malcolm is at 0. Maybe a 2 at some scenes but then it quickly goes back to 0. Some parts of the dialogue miss the mark or hit the are off balanced. While some of it like Malcolm's bathroom speech albeit mean is really strong or their conversation when he comes back from peeing really shines for me.

Performances: B+ to A- because they carried the script further than it could of gone with less talented actors. The monologues do well to showcase their current skill levels which are already high af and leave room for anticipation in where these actors go next.

Zendaya holding a knife: A+ with a gold star. That switch on and off and on is delectable.

John being a shitty boyfriend but following Marie like a lost puppy: B+ with a good job written at the bottom of the paper, Malcolm being nervous a frantic dialed up with more realistic nervousness would have sold me completely on Malcolm's anxious waiting.

Cinematography: A and a participation award.

The mac and cheese: A+ for the easy mac. Wish it was like Annie's or Velveeta.

Cigarettes: Participation award and their picture hung up for student of the month. Why the grill lighter? Everytime Malcolm opened up his mouth Marie was like sparks fly.

The music: A++ with a prize. Whoever picked the music probably makes good Spotify playlists.

[jadedxrealityw]

-You Broke Me First- Draco Malfoy x  Female Reader

A/N: This image is based around the song You broke me first by Tate Mcrae this image with have two endings: angst and fluff

Summary: Draco cheated on you months ago with another Slytherin and you broke it off without second thought (as you should) but Draco wants you back

Warning: cheater Draco, yelling, cursing maybe?

House: Hufflepuff

     ♡~🐍~♡

    It had been months since you last spoke to Draco Malfoy. He used to be the person you loved and thought loved you too. You were surprised that he gave you the time of day, but with some chatting and a bit of flirting you fell for him hard. The day he asked you out would forever be a cherished memory. You were sitting alone on the courtyard when he came up to you with white roses. You’d never forget the nervous look he had until you said yes.

    Being official was the best part. He would show everyone your his with sweet kisses or a arm around you. No guy dared to get close to you and you kinda liked not having guys flirt with you anymore. On one of your anniversaries he bought you a necklace. It was a simple silver chain with a beautiful emerald in the middle. It was small and shaped like a teardrop. It had you and Draco’s name on the back of it. You adored it, you still adore it.

    When seventh year rolled around Draco started to become distant, push himself away from you or shut you out, leaving you confused and hurt. He wouldn’t sit or talk to you. At one point you thought it was something you had done, but it wasn’t it was never your fault. It was a late night and Blaise invited you too a Slytherin party, Draco wouldn’t give you the time of day anymore.

    Blaise told you that it was Draco who wanted you to come, it made your heart flutter in hope that he still cared about you. When you showed up Draco was nowhere to be found. Thats until a girl came out of one of the boys dorms screaming about how she claimed the Slytherin prince. She had hickeys scattered across her neck and was fixing her shirt, your heart dropped as soon as you saw your boyfriend walking out behind her, with his black button up undone and  messy hair.

    As soon as your eyes met he looked saddened, but looked away right after. Had your meant nothing to him anymore? Tears blurred your vision as you ran off. Blaise calling your name behind you, but you didn’t look back. There was nothing to look back to. 

   ♡~🐍~♡

   A week later Blaise had apologized for Draco’s actions and said he’d always be there for you if you needed it. You told him thanks, but he rarely ever talked to you after that either. You didn’t blame him. You wanted to be alone anyway. Draco made no attempt to speak to you. One day, you had gathered his things that he had left at your dorm room in a box. It contained his quidditch jumper, the notes he wrote you during class that you had kept and one of his many silver rings. He would put one on you and say one day you would be Mrs. Malfoy. What a cruel joke.

     You walked over to the Slytherin table during breakfast one morning and tapped Blaise’s shoulder he turned to look at you and gave you a smile. He took in the bags under your eyes, that were also puffy and red due to lack of sleep and crying. You gave him a half smile and handed him the box. After that you got up and left the great hall entirely.

     ♡~🐍~♡

     Back to the present. It would have been your fifth anniversary today, why you still kept count? You didn’t know, but it was stupid. Hogwarts was destroyed after the wizard war and it took awhile for it to be put back together, but it happened. You went back to Hogwarts for your 8th year. You were in the program for students who wanted to retake &th year because of the war. You made friends with Hermione, she was pretty sweet.

     One day you were walking around the halls when you bumped into someone “Im so sorry i didn’t-” your words were cut off when you came face to face with the man who broke your heart, with the man you were still unfortunately in love with. Draco Malfoy, why did he have to be the one you ran into on your what would have been anniversary “Malfoy, i’m sorry for bumping into you” you said politely before continuing to walk.

     “I’m sorry” you heard him shout from behind you making you stop in your tracks “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me, i’m sorry that i cheated on you, it breaks me to this day and i’d do anything to fix it” your jaw clenched. He was broken? he had no fucking right to say that. You spun on your heels and walked right up to him 

     “You broke me first, Malfoy” she seethed in anger. He looked shocked. You had never once raised your voice at him and he had never seen you anger. You were kind and sweet. Your were his little Hufflepuff girlfriend. You were his everything. You were enraged, your E/C eyes bore into him. He looked around before grabbing your hand. He pulled you both into a empty classroom.

        ‘Maybe you don't like talking too much about yourself’ 

     You didn’t care, you needed all this anger out and he was going to listen and shut up “Y/N listen. I didn’t tell you a lot of things when we were dating, but i want to now” he said and stepped closer to you, but you just backed away “But you shoulda told me that you were thinkin' 'bout someone else” your voice cracked slightly. You were going to be a bit emotional about this and you had every reason to be. Draco felt a pang in his chest as you spoke to him. THe hurt coming off of your voice was enough to make him cry.

      ‘You're drunk at a party or maybe it's just that your car broke down Your phone's been off for a couple months, so you're calling me now’

     “Y/N i’m so sorry. Just let me explain so we can fix this. I want you back in my life. You were supposed to be Mrs. Malfoy remember?” he pleaded and went to grab your hand, but you pulled it away. He couldn’t just say sorry and everything would be okay. That’s not how this works. You turned your head away from him “I know you, you're like this. When shit don't go your way you needed me to fix it. And like me, I did. But I ran out of every reason” 

     Draco listened to you speak, a lump forming in his throat. “Now suddenly you're asking for it back?!” you exclaimed and pushed him away. He stumbled back a bit “Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve?” and pushed him again. Tears ran down your face “Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had. But I don't really care how bad it hurts. When you broke me first” you choked out and pushed him one last time. 

       ‘You broke me first’

     You were in a full mania and back away, you laughed and wiped your tears from your face with the back of your hand roughly. You sat on top of a desk “Took a while, was in denial when I first heard, That you moved on quicker than I could've ever, you know that hurt” she swung her legs as she spoke remembering two weeks after you broke up he went out with Pansy Parkinson, you heard they broke up after his dad was sent to Azkaban. 

     “Swear for a while I would stare at my phone necklace just to see your name. But now that it's there, I don't really know what to say” you shrugged half heartedly as your hand fiddles with the necklace he gave around your neck, you never took it off, you just couldn’t. Draco looked at the necklace remembering when he bought it for you. It was a happy memory for him

     (the rest of the song isn’t needed so bleh)

          ♡~🐍~♡

     Angst Ending:

     You got off the desk and looked one last time at Draco who had tear tracks down his face, you reached behind your neck and unclipped the necklace. You dropped it into your palm and sighed. You finally had closure and got to say what you had wanted to. You walked up to him and grabbed his hand. He looked hopeful for a second before you placed the necklace into his hand and closed it. 

     “Please don’t do this” he whispered, more tears falling down. You shook your head and looked away, letting go of his hand “Goodbye Draco Malfoy, i wish you the best” you spoke politely, which broke his heart. You pushed open the classroom door and walked out. You walked down the hallway a heavy feeling being lifted off your chest.

     After that you felt free and happy without Draco, he still gave you sad glances sometimes, but with Hermione by your side she helped you with it and soon Draco Malfoy was a faded memory and you were stronger than ever. 

          ♡~🐍~♡

     Happy Ending:

     Draco walked over to you and you turned your gaze away quickly. He leaned in and you tried your hardest to not to look “My father forced me to become a death eater” he said making you gasp. He rolled up his sleeve to show you his dark mark and you covered your mouth with your hand. “He told me that people around me would be my weakness and darling. You are my weakness, because your the person i love the most”

     You felt your heartbeat quicken. He still had that effect on you “I needed to get you to leave me, but i couldn’t break up with you. You would know i was lying. You always know when im lying” he laughed quietly “So i invited you to that party so you could see. Paid some girl to pretend to have slept with me. I’ll never forget the look on your face when you saw me” He looked away as you processed the information.

     “What about that hickeys?” you asked, like it was the important part in that sentence, which it wasn’t “Blaise” “Blaise knew about this to?” Draco nods “He was a death eater to, after you left i was to be engaged to Pansy” he groaned. He never really liked Pansy, she was too clingy for him. “When my father was sent away i broke it off and came back here to find you” he spoke softly as he cupped your face with one of his hands “Your the only person i would ever want to be Mrs. Malfoy” he smiles. 

     You crack a smile and lean into his hand, you missed his touch so much. “Will you be mine again Y/N?” he asked, worry behind his tone. If you’d say no he would be broken inside, but he would accept it and leave you alone for the rest of your life. You pulled his hand away and scooted up on the desk, bending your knees and launching yourself at him. You wrapped your arms and legs around the Slytherin boy. Draco stumbled back before wrapping his arms around you tightly “I’ll take that as a yes?” “Yes! You idiot! Don’t you ever do that again Draco Malfoy!”

     “I won’t Y/N Malfoy”

          ♡~🐍~♡

A/N: This one lowkey broke my heart guys, like what in the fuck. Why did i write this? Anyway, if you have a request for Draco send it my way.

[roxa-sos]

impossible - rafe cameron

rafe cameron x kook!reader

tw; major abuse in this one bud,, manipulation, blame, fear mongering, being trapped in an emotionally abusive and threatening relationship, trying to see the good sides of it. 

not requested; this is the fic rooted in my daddy issues alkNFDEl, reader does something that’s inconvenient for rafe but he blows it out of proportion. the reader is used to this kind of stuff, so they keep the blame on them even though it’s frustrating, and like always, they’re the bad guy, always taking care of rafe. 

a/n -- i fucking LOVE drew starkey i’m sorry,, i kinda want to write some fluff for younger rafe (before the drugs, before he let his dad get to his head, all that good stuff) but i need ideas for that lmao. nobody asked for this. literally,, everyone’s talking about rudy on my dash and i’ll just sit here with my drew pfp going ‘hey want some rafe angst? no? here u go anyways :)’ also if it isn’t obvious. i crave happiness. but i don’t have that so for now all i shall give you is angst. 

“you’re always fucking yelling at me!” rafe’s voice seemed to bounce off the walls, or it echoed in your head as you sat on the edge of his bed, toying with the promise ring on your finger. you felt numb, but you had to say something. 

“rafe, i’m not yelling, i just don’t understand how-” 

“no, no, if you want to argue i don’t want to hear it.” he was barking at you, laughing when the words left his mouth. “you’re just impossible to deal with.” he was pacing around in front of you, blowing things out of proportion, like he always did whenever you did something he didn’t like. 

what had you even done? you didn’t remember. maybe it was something about cutting your hair? based on how he was treating the situation, it seemed like you told him you were sleeping with some kid from the cut. 

somewhere deep down, it almost felt like you would never be good enough for him. where had the time gone? it felt like it was yesterday when you two were sixteen and he gave you that promise ring in front of his dad, topper, your parents, your friends, everyone. you hadn’t felt that good for a while. 

“are you listening to me?” he asked harshly, taking a threatening step towards you. “what am i supposed to do if you’re not even gonna take this seriously? christ, every day i regret chasing you when we were younger.”

you didn’t want him to leave you. he was all you knew. and you knew it was dumb to stay with him at all, but he was good to you. really good to you, even if it was only on occasion. 

just a month ago he’d taken you shopping on the mainland like it was your birthday. he called you hot when you were trying on ridiculously fancy dresses for no reason, and he even bought you one just because he knew you liked it based on how you looked at yourself in the mirror.

a week ago, he had you under his arm, sitting across from the bonfire that had raged while your parents and friends drank and mingled. the light had died and most people had gone inside, but he stayed out with you after you said that the sky looked nice. 

the night before, he sat you on his lap as he laid down on his bed, telling you all about the party he went to that you hadn’t been able to make it to. omitting the parts about the dumb drugs he did, because he knew you didn’t like it. 

how could he go from that to screaming at you over nothing? 

“rafe, i know you’re angry, but can you just... stop yelling?” you pleaded, looking up at him. he was so overwhelmed with anger that his face was red, his hands balled up on either side of him. you felt tears threatening to leave your eyes. you hated it, but it wouldn’t stop. god, you were so overdramatic sometimes. 

you were taking erratic breaths, trying to calm yourself down. the thought of losing everything you ever knew - the thought of losing rafe - it stressed you out to a degree you couldn’t describe. so you always panicked when he yelled. you were always scared, even though it would probably be better for you if he did leave. 

“you’re so emotional.” he groaned, turning away from you. 

he couldn’t even look at you. 

you shouldn’t have said anything at all. you were an instigator. you knew he got mad easily, and he’d been good for too long, so you knew he was gonna break soon. his good streaks never lasted long. 

you loved him. and you knew it was dumb, but you really did. all you wanted to be to him was a good partner, you wanted him to respect you, you wanted him to see some worth in you. 

it just felt like he never did. 

sometimes you’d distance yourself from him. usually it was after he yelled, and for a few days after that. you’d convince yourself that you didn’t care about what he thought about you, or you’d say that you needed to seriously talk to him about what was going on between you two. 

yet somehow, that intrusive thought always came back to you;

you care about what he thinks. 

because he was the most influential part of your life, and he had been for years. someone out of your grasp, someone who you just wanted love and attention from. he baited you with it, giving you bits and pieces, and when you were getting good again, he’d lash out at you for no reason.

it was exhausting, but at the end of the day... you stayed. 

“i... i’m sorry, rafe.” you finally caved and apologized for whatever you’d done. whatever you’d said. whatever he was mad at. 

he didn’t answer you that time, but he turned back to face you.

“i’ll see you later.” he spoke to you like you were a child, leaving the room. he slammed the door behind him, leaving you to crumble back onto the bed that you two usually shared. 

uncontrollably sobbing, because there was nothing you could do to make him happy and proud of you, but that was all you wanted to do. 

a/n -- do NOT romanticize this relationship. im begging you. this is very unhealthy and it’s a little bit of a vent for me. if you’re going through this, please contact a help line (1-800-799-7233) and stay safe. you are worth it, they just can’t see it for themselves, their expectations are unrealistic. if it feels wrong, it probably is. 

[madd-information]

This is long so I submitted it this way instead of sending in like 1,000 asks. Hope that’s okay?

Hi I’m Twoot and idk if I have (have? Is that the right term?) madd but I might and I’m looking into it. I’ve tried to do some research but idk how well it matches up. For as long as I can remember I’ve sort of created my own worlds or pretended that I was part of some that already existed (based off of youtubers, shows, books, etc. When I was younger it was a big mix of me as a person experiencing it and a character as me experiencing it but recently it’s just been me as characters) It’s not *all* of my life but when I sat down to write this all out I realized how much it happens. and I’m an only child living with only my dad so i didn’t have many real ppl to play w growing up and I have a lot of alone time. I spend a lot of my (mostly) alone time (walking to and from school, being home alone, in bed at night (so much plot in the stories/worlds I build happens at night), and even sometimes in social situations,, tho it depends) doing what I have dubbed in the latest years “The Characters Thing” (I’m just going to call it TCT for now bc I’m not %100 sure if it’s madd or not so that’s just what I’m going to refer to it as here)

Usually when I get into something (bc of my adhd when I get into a fandom type thing I hyperfixate and *rly* get into it) my whole world revolves around that thing. I create a sort of au and story in my head and they often times never wrap up before moving on to the next one. While I’m involved in one of my hyperfixations I usually do TCT about them and start a storyline which I continue throughout my day. These can last from one afternoon (tho that’s p uncommon) to months. They change as my hyperfixations change bc once I tire of those the characters/world no longer interest me and my hyperfixations usually last for a couple months. Right now I’m into Moomin so for example I would be Snufkin or the Joxter (it switches who I am A Lot depending on what’s happening in the story/ where I am while I’m doing TCT bc I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is actually madd) and go thru parts of the story I’m making as them. I don’t think of myself as becoming them ig?? Looking back I’m still me,, I’m the body,, the one experiencing things but during TCT the concept of “Twoot” (me) is gone and I perceive things and react to situations (irl or in the story in my head) as the character. It’s never in third person as I am always a certain character and even if I imagine others I do not act as them even tho I sort of control them. Another thing I forgot to add is that I can switch between what character I am. It often varies from world to world and story to story but sometimes I switch characters randomly bc my mood changes and the way I’m acting would better fit another character or my hyperfixation might shift and maybe a different character seems more appealing at that time. It’s like when you’re reading a fic and some of the chapters are in the POV of a different character. Tho for me it’s never third person no matter what. I always see it thru the eyes of the character I am.

There can sometimes be multiple worlds/stories happening at the same time which sometimes stumps me on what one to continue with when I do TCT. The stories never happen at the same time but if there are stories that are super short (last for only an afternoon or so,, but again these are super rare) there might be characters from multiple things in the same place. One recently for me was a world of me walking back from school after a stressful class where two characters (strongly tied to emotions. The three characters here are the only ones that are tied to emotions and pop up when I am feeling a certain emotion. Tho there are exceptions like there’s a character that always pops up when I’m stimming.) Who represent pettiness and anger (Marvin from Falsettos being the main one. (The only time when I act as him is when I am feeling petty or selfish and angry bc falsettos isn’t my hyperfixation anymore and I wasn’t usually him when it was my hyperfixation) Little my from Moomin was the other but unlike Marvin me feeling angry isn’t the only time she pops up bc that’s not all she’s included for and she’s part of my current hyperfixation) where talking to me (At the moment I was snufkin from the Moomins who i use to make my emotions stable bc he is always calm and collected. He’s also the main character I am rn bc he’s my favorite and from my current hyperfixation) even tho Marvin is not from Moomin and little my and snufkin aren’t from falsettos. This kind of world with mixing characters and it being so short (only lasted for half of my walk home) is v v uncommon tho it does happen. It is also an example of one of the kinds of situations that happen when I do TCT.

There are three kinds.

One: Real world. This is where the characters (Sometimes just the character I am and sometimes there are others around me) are responding to things that are happening around me activity. Example: Worrying about a test I have, playing a video game, or doing something activity that is happening irl. This can easily bleed into the second type if I am doing something nonspecific like walking home or eating dinner.

Two: Imaginary situations: This is where I am doing something during TCT that I am not doing in the real world. Example: irl I am in bed but durning TCT I am walking around the forest(little irl movement and acting bc I am lying down and I cannot speak bc I might be heared by my dad) or irl I am just home alone but during TCT I am going shopping with another character (a lot of irl movement. I can talk, run around, grab props to use and use them, etc.)

Three: Including other people: This is why it doesn’t affect my social situations negatively. This is where I am interacting with other people and see myself as one character and those around me as others. This usually follows the rules of the forst kind bc I base things around what is actually happening. If I am around my little cousins sometimes I can play with them and suggest what we play using the world I’m focused on at the time (it’s not that weird bc I’m 14 and we don’t see each other that often but when we do we’re all v close and it’s not as weird or forced as it sounds) and I’m the character I am at that time and might even suggest them to be other characters from it. If not this can actually star a branching work with my cousins ocs as characters that I might or might not use if I continue that branch. If I am around friends we don’t play that often anymore bc were all about 14 so we play less and less but there was a long lasting hyperfixation that rly was great for TCT bc my friends where into it at the same time and often played and/or rped as these characters. So sometimes they might play along but most of the time for type three I only imagine them to be other characters. I assign them a character that matches who they are and hang out with them as I act on the way my character as they and build the story in my head as things happen irl. Examples: irl I’m eating dinner at a restaurant with my dad and grandparents but during TCT I am the character eating dinner with the other characters in the world in my characters dining room, irl I am in the ocean on a beach trip with my friends but during TCT I am a Character that is trapped on an island and swimming to somewhere else with the few other characters for company, or irl I am in a car going to a friends house while it’s late with her mom driving us but during TCT I am the character on a train traveling to to town for the first time to go to an inn while I chat with a character that is a stranger (even if irl she’s my best friend) and the nosy lady in front of us who keeps interrupting our generally peaceful train ride

I am always aware that I am doing TCT and usually (I think? I’ve never tried to specifically shut down any “sessions” of TCT) in control of when it stops/starts and there is no inner world. I am aware of what the body is seeing, hearing, feeling, etc. irl but TCT is happening on top of it(?)

If there are other characters besides just me in a scene (unless I’m with other people and assign them a character that suits them in my head) I see them even tho they’re not there? They are invisible but I can tell what they look like and where they are at any given time. In the “scenes” im never “transported” anywhere. Sort of. I can decide where the room I’m in is in the story (like I say that my room is really the inside of a tent or that the restaurant I’m in is the dining room of my character’s house) but it’s the same as how the characters look. I perceive everything as it is but imagine that things look different. This also happens with real people I assign characters to in my head. My eyes see the people but my brain, ig in my minds eye sees what the character they “are” looks like.

There are multiple different reasons that TCT happens for me. Most of the time it’s because I’m bored (I have adhd-pi (the inattentive type) so this happens quite a lot) but I also use it to deal with situations I want to personally distance myself from.

Like because I have sensory issues it’s Awful for me that I have to go out to eat with my grandparents every week and have to hear them chew food. So I start doing TCT and handle things how my character would handle it. If I end up spiraling and breaking down then TCT is torn away and my mind stops thinking of that as I am too preoccupied with the breakdown (usually dealing with personal things so it’s harder to place a character on it)

I have recently started to use TCT to my advantage during breakdowns and either acting as a more stable character they ig to calm themself down OR be Twoot (me) (this is v uncommon for me this past year or so unless it’s to do what I’m explaining now) and have the characters “there with me” to calm me down. It all depends on the specific experience.

What makes me question if madd is what I’m experiencing or not is bc It doesn’t usually affect my social life; if I’m doing TCT I just have my friends/family be other characters (tho I don’t tell them this ofc) and it’s not like an actual dream. I still experience reality while it’s happening and it’s not too vivid (I have memories of the parts of stories like they really happened but as I explained before things seem sort of transparent so they aren’t too detailed) also it’s not third person. I have to experience it in first person weather I’m acting it out (this is ideal, I do this if I’m home alone or walking somewhere alone. If I can’t speak and move around to act them out I mouth things out and imagine that I am doing the things, but not rly bc I imagine doing things in first person if that makes sense, or if I rly have to it all happens inside my head but that’s only if I’m in a social situation where I can’t move around. If I’m in a social situation with friends I can move around in I move and and act in the ways that the character I am at the moment would/ is in my story and have my friends be the characters while I build the story around what is happening irl)

If there’s anything else I should explain but at this time that is all I can think of to share. I hope this makes sense. If it’s not madd do you have any idea what it could be?

I always thought me doing this was normal then when I realized it wasn’t I thought it was just my adhd but I had kind of realized it might be something else and it made me think after I brought up the fact that I did this to my therapy group as a way to distance Myself from situations that are uncomfortable and deal with stress so I decided to do some digging and madd seemed rly close but I thought I’d ask someone before I go and self diagnose let alone talk to my dad about it.

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 3.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.2k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for the previous chapters! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. ♥ read part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE

                                  3.0  ♥ APOLOGY & CULPABILITY ♥

HIM

I was pissed. Pissed at myself for not even noticing that Louis was bringing me into a trap. I like to think i'm good to guess people and their character, but through the years, I realized I was not as competent as I thought. Still, being played and betrayed by my very best friend was humiliating and incredily hurtful. I glanced at him and noticed guilt written all over his face, but it wasn't enough to take the feeling of betrayal running inside me.

"Wow, hey, it's been a while."

She glanced at Louis too and I breathed in before nodding.

"Yea, 4 years," I just pointed out, slipping my hands in my pockets, trying to find a way to escape this incredibly awkward and almost intolerable situation.

Could I pretend to get a call? Or a text message? Then run outside and call a cab? Was there any way for me to just run to the airport and fly as far away from here as I could? Even on the other side or the world I knew I couldn't feel better. It was too late. I had seen her again and I couldn't take my eyes off of hers.

She got older. I could see her hair were dyed but it was still pretty much the same shade of brown it always was, and I wondered why she'd do such a thing for so little change. Her dress was plain but pretty and she gained a little weight. For some reason, she seemed to glow in a way I couldn't explain.

"5." she corrected me. "It's been 5 years."

I was surprised when her eyes left mine to glance behind me but I kept looking at her. Perhaps, she still had that effect on me, but i didn't have the same effect on her. We used to be a bit obsessed with each other, and we could stare at each other for longer than most people would find acceptable.

My heart felt heavy, like stuck in a vice and someone was twisting it slowly, as if to make the pain less bearable and my death longer to come. I wanted to run away, yet my legs wouldn't move, i was stuck here indefinitely, forced to look into the eyes of the only girl i loved without being able to touch her.

"That long..." I nodded, as if I didn't know the exact date of the last time i saw her.

She nodded too and sent me a shy smile as I twisted the fabric of the inside of my pockets hard enough to feel my muscles tense.

"Louis... didn't tell me..."

She nodded quicker this time and glanced behind me again, where I only guessed Louis had gone, leaving both of us in a situation we didn't want to be in.

"Yea, no, he didn't tell me either." she chuckled, clearly uncomfortable. "Surprise, I guess."

We remained silent for a while and I started swaying gently on my toes. She finally closed her eyes and sighed, running her fingers in her long hair and somehow, it made my heart twitch.

"Look, Niall, I know it's late for this, but i'm so sorry."

I frowned but she kept talking.

"That fight was all on me, it was ridiculous, I shouldn't have insisted." she explained. "I'm so sorry for how things ended, Niall, I-I didn't want this."

Her apology hurt my heart and without thinking, I moved closer and grabbed her arms. The contact of my skin against hers was life changing, like electricity ran all over my body... like I was high on a drug I had never tried before. I knew she felt it too and she held her breath. My face was so close to hers I had to swallow and my lips parted but it took me a few seconds to talk.

"No, you really don't have to apologize, it was my fault, not yours." I whispered. "All mine."

From up close, I could smell her. She still used the same perfume as she always did, and it made memories invade my head. I remember the first time we met and how cold it was outside... and how bad I had wanted to kiss her. It made me realized I wanted it just as bad now, maybe more.

It felt wrong to be in her personal space and let go of her, feelings my palms burn again even if I wasn't touching her anymore. I took a step back and cleared my throat, forcing myself to look down.

"I'm surprised you're wearing a dress." I finally pointed out, trying to change the mood. "You look great, really."

She sent me an other smile, one that seemed slightly more sincere this time.

"Thank you, but you know me. If I could, i'd be here in my sweatpants." she pointed out, making me smile more. "The dress wasn't my idea."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, relieved that we seemed to have a light conversation after being a bit emotional.

"Who's idea was it, then?"

She didn't have time to answer, I saw a tiny little girl run between us and wrap her arms around her thighs. I heard her laugh and looked up at her, but she was only looking at the kid.

"Mommy! Look!"

With an enthusiast face, the kid moved one of her arms up to show a doll who was already missing a shoe. I had a hard time to mend the pieces of what exactly was happening here but I watched her crouch down to discuss with the little girl. They hugged and she ran back to where she came from as my heart started beating harder in my chest. She had a kid and she was probably taken. I always suspected she had found someone else very quickly after we were over, but knowing it for sure hurt more than I thought it would. It was ridiculous, it's not like what we once had could ever come back. There was so much pain still left, so many things untold and unknown... this small encounter would only make things worse and I was scared that after today, even If i never saw her again, I would be even more scarred than I already was.

"That's your daughter?"

She nodded and her lips curled into a fond smile I had never seen on her. I held my breath a few seconds, trying to calm the thumps of my heart against my chest without much success. I've always enjoyed seeing her happy and it made me realize how bad I missed her laugh. Not a chuckle, or a giggle. A real laugh, the kind that echos on the wall and always seemed to reach my heart.

"So, you're married." I just pointed out, clearing my throat." How old is she?"

She raised her nose up in a grimace and chuckled, shaking her head from left to right. The sight made me smile despite myself and I stuck my hands in my pockets again, trying to restrain the need I suddenly had to be closer to her once more.

"No, I'm a single mom." she explained before her smile fell. "She's... she's four years and a half."

I couldn't explain how good it felt to hear she wasn't married, and I sort of felt bad for liking it. That's why it took me a while for the other fact to actually sink in. My lips fell and my eyes got bigger. Something stirred inside me, making me suddenly nauseous and I had to swallow the lump in my throat.

"She's four years and a half..." I repeated.

Even though it was clearly not a question, I watched her as she nodded slowly, suddenly extremely serious.

"She's gonna turn five in a few months."

I pressed my hand on my mouth and held my breath, bending down slowly as i felt myself tear up. This couldn't be real. This was not happening. I had a daughter and I wasn't even aware of it, and all that seemed to flash in my mind was the fact that I didn't see her when she was born or when she walked for the first time. I wasn't there when she said her first word, and that for her, I was a total stranger. Did she even know she has a dad? A dad that would have loved her and cared for her if only he had known she existed?

"You..."

I couldn't talk, I was incredibly hurt and so many thoughts were running in my mind that I wasn't sure I could handle any at the moment.

"I am so so sorry, Niall."

I didn't want to hear her apologies, and I didn't want to hear her excuses. I just wanted to lock myself somewhere to get my thoughts and mind back into place. My vision became blurry after a few seconds and that's exactly when my daughter came back. Just thinking about those two simple words made my heart threaten to jump out of my chest.

"Mommy! Freddie broke my doll!"

It hit me so hard that it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my already open wound.

"Louis knew..."

Her head raised up at my words and her eyes opened wide as she was trying to fix the doll in her hands. Her expression betrayed her and I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach for a second time in the past 6 minutes.

Everything seemed to make sense suddenly. The reason why Louis would never talk about her or bring her up was obvious now. He couldn't or he would always risk to let out her secret. Lying to me was also not something he enjoyed and I guess he thought omitting something was not as bad as lying. But it was.

I closed my eyes and breathed in, trying to stop or at least calm the anger and hurt boiling inside me, but I couldn't help the feeling of loneliness flooding my body and mind. I felt sick and alone, and somehow, it felt like my ex girlfriend and my best friend had conspired in my back for the past five years.

Nothing could ever change that. Nothing could make that right. Nothing except maybe the love I already felt for a daughter I didn't even know.

HER

I knew that someday, i'd have to explain to my daughter what happened with her father, but i never thought it would happen so soon. I was slightly mad at Louis for literally pushing me into this meeting and forcing me to come face to face with Niall, but also with my own lies. I didn't understand why he did it. He could have done it years ago, why now?

I tried to push Louis out of my thoughts to focus on Niall, clearly as uncomfortable as I was, standing in front of me. I didn't remember the last time I felt so nervous and speechless, but having him so close after so long brought back memories and feelings I had tried to bury and ignore for years, and I wasn't sure I actually liked it.

He looked good, even better than in my memories, and even if I had tried to avoid him, his career and his music in the last years, looking at him after all this time still felt like home. Maybe the fact that I had a little child constantly reminding me of him helped keep the flame alive but it didn't matter. Niall was here and close, and the love I knew I had for him, even if i wouldn't admit before that it wasn't dead, was now burning my whole body and heart, threatening to leave only ashes. I'd be ready to give him my heart again even if the outcome would probably be as worse as the first time.

I felt the need to apologize for my behavior, but whenever I pronounced his name, my heart jumped in my chest. I felt like I hadn't heard it or said it outloud in so long it almost hurt to do it, but at the same time, it came so naturally and left a sweet after taste on my tongue.

A bunch of memories of when I would whimper his name rushed to my brain and made my heart jump. I could swear my cheeks turned a soft shade of red and I could try to blame it on the wine, but the thoughts made my whole body throb and my inside twist.

I always thought I had made the right choice to leave and let him live his life the way he deserved to. However, when he bent over slightly and seemed on the verge of tears, I felt incredibly guilty and bad for hiding it for so long. I could see the dimmed lights of the room make his eyes glisten and It really made me want to take him in my arms. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea so I just gave her doll back to my daughter and remained motionless, waiting for Niall to have an other reaction. Any would be good. He could even yell at me for what I had done, I wouldn't blame him. Instead. He shook his head and turned around to watch my daughter run back to the tree and he stared at her as she started playing with Freddie again.

"Louis has always known." he whispered, making me swallow an other lump of guilt with difficulty, before turning back to me. "He knew and he never told me."

"I made him promise not to tell you." I explained in a low tone, scared that my voice would crack. "I forced him. It's my fault."

It hit me that at some point, I was an important person in his life, and Louis was too. Niall had just realized that two of the persons he cared the most about had betrayed him, keeping a big and heavy secret from him, and I could understand it was hard to accept. I didn't even dare to hope he would ever forgive me.

I moved closer, placing my hand softly on his arm but he moved away and shook his head, rubbing his hand on his face for a while. He let out a few curse words and turned around, gripping his own hair and pulling on it. I shouldn't, but I felt endeared by the way he reacted, or perhaps it was simply from seeing some of his habits I was so used to see, yet had missed more than I thought.

"What's her name?" he finally asked after a few minutes, turning to me and diving his gaze into mine for a few seconds.

He looked sad and hurt and I did everything I could not to cry in front of him. For some reason, I felt like I didn't have the right to. He looked down and I swallowed again.

"Chelsea."

His head moved up roughly and he frowned. I knew he had a question burning his lips but he didn't ask. He just stared at me some more and breathed in, biting the inside of his cheek. I had never wished I could read his mind more than I did at that exact moment.

"Does she know about me?"

"She knows of you, but she doesn't know who you are."

Once again, he turned around on his heels slowly and moved back to face me, his hand holding the back of his neck. He stared at me and I couldn't hold all the tears anymore. I blinked and let a few fall down my cheeks without daring to wipe them off.

"When did you plan to tell me about her? When she'd insist more? When she'd be 18? Never?"

I didn't want to answer, and he guessed the truth because of my silence.

"Alright, never then." he said shaking his head.

I could feel he was getting angrier by the minute, but all I could focus on was the pain I heard in his voice every time his mouth would open. I would give anything to reassure him, but I knew that no matter what I did or said, it wouldn't make things better.

"I'm sorry, Niall." I whispered, making his face twist.

"Stop saying that." he almost begged before sighing extremely loud and leaving.

I watched him until he passed the door to go back to the cold weather without his coat and I shivered. I stared at the door for a few seconds until I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I didn't have to look, I knew it was Louis, and at this point, I was way past being mad at him for setting this up. Plus, I knew he'd have it tough with Niall, he didn't need me to make things even worse.

"Why did you do that, Lou?"

My voice was weak and I felt numb as his hand slipped on my arm gently. I swallowed and closed my eyes again. I couldn't explain to Niall why I kept him away. Back then, it seemed so obvious and legitimate but now, the aspects and reality I didn't want to see five years ago were right in front of me, and didn't seem to make any sense anymore.

"Because both of you were miserable. Because I felt like he deserved to know Chelsea. Because I felt like an impostor and a bad person for knowing his daughter and spending time with her when he didn't even know she existed." he explained low and slowly. "Because deep down, I'm sure you wanted him to know."

I remained silent and avoided his eyes again. All I could do was stare at the door in hope to see Niall walk back inside. Did I want Niall to know?

"It was not my place, or my choice to make, and I'm sorry." he added. "It was none of my business and I normally don't do that. I was wrong. But I can't say I regret it."

He was right, I knew he was, but admitting that was admitting I had failed. It was admitting that I was wrong and that I deprived Niall from so many memories and time with his daughter. I brought my hand to my mouth and did my best not to start sobbing.

"I'm not mad at you, Louis." I whispered, scared that i would start crying again if i talked louder. "I just hope he can forgive me one day."

"I hope he can forgive me too."

We remained silent for a while and Louis left for about a minute, bringing me back a full glass of wine that I swallowed a bit too quickly. It felt like we waited forever but I think my heart stopped completely when the door opened again. I held my breath, feeling my heart jump once against at Niall sight, and waited until he was back in front of me, He waited until Louis had left, without even sending him a glance.

His face was impassive and I licked my lips, suddenly nervous. His simple presence made my heartbeats accelerate and if you mixed that with the guilt I felt, it was even worse. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate or pass out.

"I want to see her. I want to spend time with her. I want her to know who I am." he just let out. "And you don't have the right to refuse. Not after what you did to me."

I waited a few seconds after he was done talking and nodded gently, still staring at him.

"Of course you can see her and tell her who you are, Niall." I expressed, feeling on the verge of tears again. "I'm never gonna stop you from seeing her. You're her father, and you'll always be."

[iamtmblrbby]

im khloe.

I’m 20.

At 3, I read my first chapter book.

At 4, I had 500 AR points (and I had my first 2 bullies & black eye that year)

At 5, I read on a 12th grade level (and I sobbed in the counselors office about having no friends)

At 7, I won second place in a state poetry contest

At 8, I was snuck into gifted classes even after failing the test to get into them (and the other kids parents got me kicked out)

At 9, I sang 4 different solos in school choir that year (I went through my most traumatic parental experience I ever had with my father)

At 10, I was student of the year,highest gpa, And principals choice. ( I got on the bus and sobbed suicidally about it because the kids cracked jokes cus everyone thought I was trying to be better than them. )

At 11, I had 3000 AR points. (And deeply rooted self esteem issues started to surface)

By 12, I had a bookshelf full of academic trophies and medals (and I broke them all in anger one day)

At 14, i wrote another poem about my dead dad and won a first place and a spot in the American library of poetry ( i smoked my first blunt snorted my first pill and I never bought the book)

At 15, I never had down to a dress code on my record but I got sent to alternative school for something stupid. (I became the talk of my old high school)

At 16, My mom set it up for me to be skipped from sophomore to junior year and I stayed at school everyday Monday thru Saturday until 5pm (high asl with fresh & itching cuts under my sleeves)

At 17, i made a 28 on the act. I graduated a year before anyone I grew up with. I got an academic scholarship to my number one pick out of state. And I had my first experience living in my own world, but apart from (There was brief mental peace. God had mercy.)

At 18, I had to leave college but got hired at about 7 places. 4 which I would actually go to work for.. the longest being 6 months. I began to have new,deep experiences in love and life. my spiritual views started to form. I began to feel as though I was beginning to live more authentically {haha based on now boy was I so damn wrong but it was a start fr} (I found out I was sick, I bottled up all my non positive emotions about my relationship/partner and was inside a resentful bitter sex addict w control issues and insecurities & outside an emotionally unstable needy & affectionate bitch, my relationship with my only living parent was hell {esp if I was even out of a job for a second}, I cried more than my depression years combined)

At 19, everything started to slowly shift. I got a first glimpse at my real spiritual gifts. (my boyfriend was a fuckboy) I got approved for my first apartment signed my first lease. (I screamed & cried in my room at the top of my lungs the day before moving in) then everything was magic. (I found out my boyfriend was REALLY a fuckboy) I started my music career as Pixi K and my first couple songs would hit the thousands in a week. (I found out my boyfriend was deadass from h*ll or basically somewhere where they don’t have a conscience bc what the hEll *~*) I had my first visions that I can’t tell anybody about frfr bc They’re from light years ahead.

I got lost in the sauce because this became a chest off to the universe and also helped me release those residual emotions from some of those childhood experiences. But There was a direction I was going with this, all my brightest moments to others.. the moments where I used my ambition..or my talent...or my love..or was accomplishing goals just to try to get the same people that made me feel smaller than I physically am to see that I have WORTH/be proud/validate me... have been my souls darkest moments. My mentally darkest moments. My spiritually lowest moments. And the craziest part about it is 90% of it all: NOBODY KNEW. & NOBODY CARED TO KNOW. Imagine trying to please everyone while ur engulfed in flames constantly. but everyone had something to say to belittle, something to do to kick while I was down, something to push me into overdrive, exhausting my energy & will to live.

I don’t wanna perform for nobody myself. I don’t wanna Change for nobody but myself. I don’t wanna answer to nobody by myself. Ion wanna move on nobody time but my own and I OWE IT TO MYSELF. OWE. I’ve lived my whole life for other people. IM SIXK OF MY OWNNN SHIT. I LOVE MYSELF. ALL THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS PROVE IM OUTRAGEOUSLY TALENTED, SMART DAMN NEAR GENIUS, CAPABLE, I KNOW HOW TO REACH GOALS. AND I NEVER NEEDED ANYONE TO TELL ME THAT OR REFLECT THAT TO ME BY BEING THAT LIKE I THOUGHT I DID THESE WHOLE 19 YEARS. I ONLY GET WRAPPED UP IN THESE FANTASIES N BULLSHIT TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OF FEELING THE NEED TO CONFORM TO WHO EVERYBODY EXPECTS ME TO BE OFF ME.

I only want to be loved. Appreciated. Understood as a human.

At 20, I’m stepping into the unknown. what I didn’t know is I’m actually taking back the reigns on my life and it just feels like I’m losing all control because I’ve never been the one making the choices. In my mind I did, but my mind wasn’t being captained by my soul. It was being captained by the beliefs, the conditioning, the trauma they put on me...the box they put me in. The people I gave the power to make decisions for me.

At 20, I will know what true freedom feels like.

CONSIDER THIS NOTE ME LETTING GO OF EVERYTHING . EVERY PERSON I LOVE. EVERY DREAM IM CHASING. EVERYTHING I CANT CONTROL. EVERYTHING. EVERY VOICE OPINION FEELING I SOAKED UP THAT SHAPED ME IN 19 YEARS. THIS IS COMPLETE SURRENDER. ***ENDLESS WHITE FLAG EMOJIS***

@SPIRIT BECAUSE THATS ALL U BEEN TELLIN ME. SURRENDER. SURRENDER. REALLY SURRENDER.

WELL HERE YOU GO, IN VIRTUAL INK.

I AM A VOID.

[woggr]

Core memories

Gary way house. I don't remember my exact age, I couldn't have been much older than 3 or 4. Threatening my brother while holding a knife in my hands because I was filled with so much hate caused by the innocent teasing. Then being cut by that very blade and running to the very brother I had previously threatened. I didn't understand the important lessons I learned in that moment. But I understand now, hate brings with it fear. And with fear we often do things we don't want to based on natural instinct, thus, the natural man is an enemy to not just God, but all mankind. However, that hate was soon forgotten and dominated by a love that exists only through family bonds. I'm almost thankful for the constant reminder I get every time I look at and feel the scar left on my left index finger. That experience helped shape and mold the man I would one day become.

Jumping sideways off the diving board because I knew I was a weak swimmer, being pulled out by a close friend then a frantic mother taking me into her arms as I cried. Seeing the deepest concern in my mothers eyes has left an imprint on my soul that will never be forgotten. Her endless and all consuming love is fundamental in my development. Just as much then as it is now.

North Carolina. I don't remember the year, or the name of the place, but I'll never forget the events that took place and the lessons learned. We were out site seeing. I only remember my mom and my grandma, though I know others were present. We were at a rock and I was climbing around, off on my own like I always do. There was a big rock that drew my attention and my adventurous spirit took me to it where I was climbing around on the edge of a cliff. I didn't see and I couldn't comprehend the amount of danger I was in. Im still not sure if I even was in any danger. What has stuck with me is the tone of my grandmothers voice when she called out to me, begging me to get down and return to her. She loved me deeply and I felt it deep within me that day. Though she is no longer with us, my love for her grows daily as I realize her immense impact on my life.

Sometime as a younger child, while living at our home at fox pointe circle. Something happened with me and my mom. A disagreement of sorts where I had become very upset with her. I screamed at her and told her how much I hated her and never wanted to see her again. I took off, bound and determined to run away forever. I ran outside down the drive way, I had turned the corner and was storming down the street when I saw my dad appear from above. I feared his wrath as he spoke to me with such power that I had no choice but to obey his command. He told me to get back inside immediately, though reluctant at first I joined him in his office for a little chat. Many of my pivotal and fundamental moments were spend in that office, conversing with my father. This particular time I remember being terrified of what I had just done, I had again acted out of anger and let my emotions drive my actions. But in a calm and loving manner my dad reminded me of the love my mother had for me, he told asked me to explain the situation and in only the way a father could he expressed not only his love for me, but made clear and supported the love my mother had for me. He told me that he understood my feelings and ensured that what she did, and what she was doin was in my best interest. He didn't hit me or throw me across the room, though I know he could have and I probably deserved it, but he talked to me with love. PARENTS, plural, parents form their children at an early age. Two is always better than one and I couldn't be more blessed than by having two outstanding parents.

The rocket derby in Boy Scouts. I had dominated everyone in the races that took place that day and without a doubt had the best rocket there. But I didn't get a blue ribbon that day for taking first. I opted to give it to someone who holds a very special place in my heart. He was a chapman boy, Matt I think I name was, and he was mentally handicapped. He'd never won anything before in his life and I was fortunate enough to have had many blue ribbons already. That day was his day. He was awarded first place and the blue ribbon was his and the joy I saw in him, the smile on his face, was better than any prize I had ever received in my life. I remember people coming up to me and thanking me and telling me what a good thing it was that I had done. I didn't care about what they were saying. I cared about him, making other people happy makes me happy. The pure love of Christ is charity, for the first time I tasted that love and today am driven by it. I know Matt has a special place in gods kingdom and I hope to be aside him and his glory.

Not soon after it was time for the first day of Jr. High. Those feelings of insecurity and fear were haunting. Walking through those doors were like walking through a worm hole and flying out into the unknown corners of the universe... And in the end I loved it. I learned from it and grew. I still dread going into unfamiliar situations, but now I have more faith that if what I'm doing is right, everything will work out for the best.

Not being able to play bball with my Bros until I'd made three straight free throws. I'm always trying to be the best. I am no respecter of people, or age, or position. No matter what the circumstances I strive to be the very best.

Rich leaving me crying in our garage in our huge house all alone. I was terrified of that huge place alone. I felt like I was abandoned.

Playing soccer with Matt in the back yard. Not just once or twice. But on many occasions. He was almost like a second father figure to me. More than just a brother, but someone who mentored me, inspired me and pushed me to become something more than I thought I could be. His love, patience and relentless pursuit of excellence is in large part why I've experienced the success I have. Why he had to go through the struggles he has I do not know, but as selfish as it is I'm glad he did. I saw it, I witnessed and experienced it, and I have learned from it. God knows I would never have become the person I am today had it not been for him. I pray that He might bless him and his beautiful family in all their endeavors. Thank you Matt. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

With that same attitude I was now in high school with new trials and placed in unfamiliar circumstances. The night I was heavily pressured to drink, do drugs, and have sex. The details don't have much significant but the preparations do. It was the biggest party of the year and everyone was there. I knew there would be people doing things contrary to my beliefs but I was unsure of how I would react. I remember being asked if I'd like to join in on some of the activities taking place out back, I walked with them and saw what was happening. As I stood there surrounded by all these popular kids my mind was on one thing. The words of my mother. She had warned me about these types of circumstances and I quite honestly wanted to participate. It appeared as if they were having the time of their life. I didn't trust them, my trust lied in my mother and father who had warned me again that and in the moment, I am grateful to say, I refused their enticing offers to engage in these foolish activities all because the spirit of a loving mother was with me. And though she was far away, I felt her close to me that night.

Next as I was preparing to submit papers to serve a mission I was faced with the challenge societal pressures. Growing up in a devout LDS family, all my brothers had served missions and to tell the truth I wasn't sure if that's what I really wanted to do. I got that their experiences had changed their life, or so they said. But I was worried about my education. I have alway been a very curious person and had always sought to learn and understand as much as possible. I thought I might be better had I stayed and continued with the path I was on. In this time of confusion I was one again summoned to the office of my father. I have thought about this brief meeting often. This may have been the realist conversation I've ever had with my father. He sat me down and told me that he didn't want me to feel pressure to serve. That no matter my decision I would always be loved the same by him and my mother. If I didn't want to go then he didn't want me to go! I was taken back at his, I thought that's what I was supposed to do. What he expected and wanted me to do. Prior to that conversation I had practically made up my mind. I saw myself as more intelligent, with more potential than my other family members and needed to feed that by furthering my education and starting the next step of my life. This conversation changed the course of my life. All the sudden that pressure was gone. I had the freedom to choose to do what I wanted, just like I always had. What I do in life is on me, and that's who I have to do it for. I can't worry about what others think or say or do. I have to choose what would be best for me in any given situation. My parents won't always be there to yell at me or sit me down and lecture me. What I do needs to be for me and what I feel is best for me and mine.

During those two years I was nothing more than an obedient instrument in the hands of the lord. Because of it, I will never be the same.

The best day of my life happened inside a church house on an ordinary Sunday. Being the person I was I always attended church. It was a singles ward in north salt lake. I was sitting with whichever friend decided to come that Sunday and still remember, clear as day, the first time I saw her. This gorgeous blonde comes walking in and sits with some other girls. I stare the whole time at the back of her perfect head. Hair done up, wearing her Sunday best. Every time she turned to talk to a friend I get tunnel vision, I think to myself, "turn more so I can see more your face!" Nothing else mattered that day. I knew no matter what I had to meet this girl, and I had to make an impression. Sacrament ended and we were to attend Sunday school, based on what month we were born we would attend one of two classes. That didn't matter to me. I went to e the class I thought she entered. As the lesson started and I finished scoping out the room I didn't see her, so I stood up and walked out. Looking back this was probable offensive to whomever was teaching but again, nothing else mattered but meeting this girl. I open the door to the other class and spot her right away. Sitting close to some friends as close to her as possible I was as outspoken as I had ever been. Answering questions just to talk, just to get her to notice me. Acting out with my friends dying for her to see me and acknowledge me (later on I got in trouble for acting out in that class... Worth). After class we spoke. She was apparently close friends with one of my best friends girlfriends. The girl I met that day was brooke. I now call her my wife (more appropriately Wifefriend). I now see that ever second of my life prior to that encounter had been preparing me to meet that one special girl. She is my soulmate. She understand me like no one else does. We get each other and help each other become more. She sees potential in me that I pray I will fulfill. Her faith helps me see that our fate is decided and inevitable. Her love inspires me and her hope drives me.

This was the best day of my life because it was the day I met my wife. No one else could do for me what she has done. No one else can drive me like she does. No one else sees what she sees and no one else could ever replace her. I thank and praise God for his marvelous gift of a loving wife who I know will always be there for me. Our love runs deep, she will one day bare my children and be the mother she has been predispositioned to be. The mother that helps develop and form her children. She's read of freuds theories of psychological development and understands them. She gets the flaws and knows the truths. I trust her and her judgement and this higher level of knowledge is only a piece to the perfect puzzle she's mastered of motherhood.

Atop mt. Constitution with my family on advise from my uncle lee.

Donating to charity for Christmas. Because I have been given much I too must give.

Today I interviewed someone I worked with previously. He was the bar tender when I was working my way through school at the og in sugar house. It's an interesting situation to be in where I can determine the future of this individual. Had I disliked him he wouldn't be working for us today. Because he left a good impression on me early on in life he had been put in a position of opportunity. He will now determine his own future.