#im mad and im upset dont fucking clown at me about this im not in the mood

[the-kipsabian]

the thing about the aew releases (and possibly more releases coming..) is that people arent mad that they are cutting talent in general; the part people are mad about is the talent thats being cut. so many on the list from yesterday were either prominent characters, really good workers, actually good and beloved wrestlers, THE BOYS WERE LITERALLY PART OF A STORYLINE that finishes this friday, slim j was severely fucked over with his character and not being let to wrestle, anthony henry is FUCKING INJURED (and they just released workhorsemen merch and kept his tag partner like. what?)...

meanwhile they continue to employ people who obviously dont want to be there or need to be there. we have no use for miro who keeps fucking things over by being a poor pissbaby about his booking (and tony being a spineless bitch just accepting it lmao), jericho who is all sorts of mcfucking problematic, nobody wants sammy guevara, honestly they should do something about max caster as well (as hilarious as i find some of his shit; the twitter stuff has gotten way out of control), among probably many others but i cant think right now

just. yeah. this isnt about talent cuts in general, we all know aew roster is bloated to hell and back with people and its to the detriment of the company. however they way they are handling it? not the solution

(also the fact that they made a comment about this being "budget cuts" makes no sense when they let go people who barely are featured and are paid peanuts. its just bullshit excuses, as per usual)

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

Oh shit there’s a new one okay. I thought the most recent was liek a week ago. Imma watch that rq

Okay I watched it I’m going feral I’m just gonna yell my opinions in yr inbox rq don’t mind me

Did they actually kill all of the fucking council memebers. They wouldn’t right. There’s no way <in denial. But no literally I will sob if they’re all dead. It looks like Mel is dead from mommy abassarda (🤤) seeking revenge and stuff. Would they kill golden boy and viktor tho? Unlikely. I’m also assuming Caitlyn’s mom is dead for that trauma

“you finally got the name right” I’m going to vomit

I know this is not an original opinion at all but I really hate the outfit 😭. Why does she look like that. What happened to my vi with her good outfits. Maybe it’s supposed to be symbolic that it doesn’t fit her but like

Istg if jinx dies I’m cutting off every riot persons heads

I’m a little mad they’re cutting it off at 2 seasons but it makes sense ig :/ I’m just like my lesbians. Why

YES! omg. i absolutely dont mind at all 😭. i was losing my mind!!! literally just WHAT.

i dont know if they did or not to be honest?? i remember seeing people discuss about them killing the members, and they debated about them killing champions. i dont think jayce is dead?? hes a champion. and if arcane is canon to LoL lore then like he wouldnt be?? not too sure about everyone else but i dont think the champions are dead or will die. cassandra however- i think fandom kinda considered her dead for a good majority of time. i dont know league lore so dont take me seriously 😭. BUT- i dont believe jayce is dead. idfk if viktor is, mel potentially. hmm... IM SURE like someone survived... they wouldnt do that to caitlyn... come on... kill her mom and then her childhood friend...? thats... ykw kinda on brand for the emotional turmoil.. BUT COME ON.

again- dont think they killed any champions but everyone else... yeah... probably rip. :(.

wondering how this is going to affect caitlyn tbh too. how is she going to handle herself. is vi going to comfort her?? uh... WILL WE FINALLY FUCKING GET A KISS?? istg anyway.

I KNOW!! oh mannnnn NO THATS NOT THE WORST PART

the "my sister is gone" had me like wanting to literally go insane because OUCH!!! someone please save vi from this turmoil 😭. shes gonna be put through it and IM not ready.

the red jacket was HER :(. i think its kinda a metaphor too like u mentioned about her not belonging on the team and feeling uncomfortable but then again the LoL players *were* clowning on the discourse of people being upset over vi being a cop. I DO LIKE THE GOGGLES THO. those r sick. but the outfit? girl what did they do to my favorite lesbian. who is she.

dont think jinx is gonna die thoughhhhh.... i mean... why would she... die... they wouldnt... right? ...right??

..right???????

please i just NEED them all to be okay i cant do this!!! /lh but also /srs. i do need them to be okay. IK I SIGNED UP FOR THIS BUT OW.

honestly im a little shocked about it being just 2 seasons too but i think its good just because of how long it took between 1-2. i have maaaad respect for the people working on it. swear as long as we get a physical release of the season season too ill be down. first we had news about s1 getting a physical TO A FUCKING TRAILER... we are eating SO good this week.

short and sweet though. tbh im sure theyll be able to tell what they need to cause 45 min per an ep. doesn't seem that surprising. but still 2 seasons is crazy. AS LONG AS THERES NO CLIFFHANGERS ILL BE FINE.

i justttt need caitvi in s2. i need them to kiss. i am not asking for a lot. need them to kiss and for literally jinx, and several people to NOT die.

anyway whoops. thanks for sending me your thoughts aaaaa

[winderlylandchime]

The Man, the Myth, the Legend is tired and in pain but that’s his own fault and you will see why: ‘OH HOT GUY ALERT! Emmett..baby..he is wearing denim on denim with a leather jacket, if that doesn’t scream gay, idk what does. GAY! WHAT DID I SAY!’ He just paused the episode and walked to the tv to look at Justins art ‘THATS bc you accepted a boy who wasn’t beaten yet. So of course his work was different, sherlock! Now stop being a prick and let my boy draw on his computer! We expect our students to what now? What did he just say about excelling at everything? Just bc he’s disabled doesn’t mean he won’t be amazing?! Oh just say you don’t accept disabled people you old fart! Fuck you and your tradition! I hate this clown..oh i guess the clown has some brain after all!..BRIAN! Dont put any ideas in his head.. oh he wants him to succeed and be the best and do good and this is a lot to handle on so many pain meds’ ‘why is linds being a bitch? Since when is she so uptight? Oh, the silence is LOUD…BRIAN WILL YOU GRAB THAT AND THEN HE JUST DOES? OH HE IS GONE. THAT MAN IS IN LOVE! HE IS SO IN LOVE AND NOBODY EXCEPT ME FOR SOME REASON SEES THIS *looks at me like he just realized im there too* can you see it?!’ ‘Okay dudes, that was not chill! You don’t do that to your friends. It’s fun to be jokey but that was not cool, yall are better than that…are you tho? MICHAEL BET 5 WEEKS?! i guess people do change. Tell them debbie! At least she gets it, even if she only gets it once every 17 episodes’…‘Ben better be better than David. Oh is he gonna be the one..i mean he’s asking him to talk about comics..david hid them. I hated that. Okay Benny boy, you can stick around, I’ll allow it but you get 3 strikes!’ ‘Okay goatee dude, chill the fuck out. People are allowed to have relationships and still be the hottest thing around. Don’t make him self conscious, i have worked overtime to try and get him to admit to being in love! DONT RUIN THIS FOR ME!….NOOOO HE RUINED IT FOR ME!…MICHAEL! WHAT THE FUCK MICHAEL WHO JUST SAYS THAT TO A PERSON? Just when i was about to be in your corner, someone please hit him! You cant just say fucked up shit and then say sorry! Thats not how that works!’ Then he felt bad for Mikey bc of the school thing and then he hated that he felt bad bc hes mad at him ‘Oh we are getting hot and HEAVY! Bri Bri, i am impressed! You knew he was upset and why! Oh so that guy was nothing but Justin is something? MY DUDES WE SERIOUSLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO TALK. Aww he doesn’t want Brian to change. Now that’s love! Oh COME ON, I CANT FUCKING WIN EVEN FOR A MINUTE! Im a good person, i deserve good stuff, throw me a bone ffs’ ‘aw Benny boy is listening! Oh he is way better than david! If youre the one, you can stay! Just do me a favor and make mike more tolerable, i am begging for the sake of my well being..that was sweet mike, now give me brian and justin again!’ He had to go and take his last dose of pills for today and he just looked at the ceiling and flapped his arms around while making no noise at all, so id say he’s handling it well. ‘Listen, i am 100% straight. But THIS *points to a paused screen of Brian in the green light in the beginning of the non confession scene* is one beautiful man! I AM INTRIGUED And I would not mind him hitting on me.’ I made a comment that he is now 54 years old to which he puts his hand up in my face and goes ‘I’ll get back to you on that’ and just continued to watch. 1/2 of 2x06

Dear sweet anon - I am SCREAMING over him asking if you see that Brian is in love too. Yes, Brother Anon, that's why we're all here 20 years later. Still sobbing over them.

And yes, Gale Harold is the most beautiful man to ever man. I have a straight crush on him and even at 54 he could get it. The green light scene is one of my favorite. UGH that profile.

[hisokas-gf]

.

[the-acid-pear]

Tumblr refuses to let me reblog the post again, so this is the second part of me reading the second btg book! ☺️

Still Chapter 211

Son on son violence

Chapter 212

This dude pretty cute ngl

Shit, rip

AAWW HIGH 5 🥺🥺

It's almost like they are a regular father and son 😭🥺💔

Chapter 213

Look how thigh those shirts are hehehoho 🥴

OYXITSITDITDLTD

Ooooh there goes my man Jyaku ready to kick some ASS

🥺😭💞

Baki really just forgot his mom eh, thought you were getting stronger for HER smh

Oh Jyaku vs Retsu? Nvm Jyaku i can only hope Retsu is nice w you

I like how most are like, confused over who to cheer for lmao

I know he won't make it but I'm cheering for Jyaku btw i like him more <33

Chapter 214

Love that title, can't believe Jyaku is gonna ask Retsu out 😍 /j

He really is just honest Igari

I love that he apologizes

Chapter 215

OJFOYDITDISTOTDG

HIS FACEEE THIS FUCKING CLOWN 😭😭😭

THIS IS JUST SO FUCKING FUNNY

Chapter 216

Burgir

GHZJDUDDRHD THEY ARE SOOO MAD

That smile so cute...

Jyaku is a king

Love it when Retsu throws that pose, though y'all know why

HDGSSGSGF you are coming to Japan wether you like it or not 🔫

Chapter 217

Finally Jyaku got serious too

WITH HIS TOES 😭

King is just obsessed i luv him

HEHE HAIRY LEGS

It does seem like Jyaku is trynna confess his love jfnshdshdf

Chapter 218

I remember i almost laugh cry with my dad when we saw this

His damn beard... 💔

THE HAND OF THE TRAITOR

He has a good point

They be calling my man Jyaku a masochist noooo yfjdhdgs

Chapter 219

Okay seems kinda into it <:/

Old man? He doesn't look that old Baki :/

That was so smart 🥺

Chapter 220

Retsu calm down please you are gonna break his back

Oh my god Retsu, oh my god.

He did apologize at least

Chapter 221

Damn dude be a little more gentle with him

Oh, get was picking him up, okay

FR FR

🥺🥺🥺

FARHDHDYFTH THE KINGGG

Chapter 222

I love how everyone completed him (except Yujiro but not surprising), these warriors are such a good team

I want to eat an apple too now

That was fast

I got distracted watching a vsauce react video sorry

Okay I'm glad a comment actually mentioned Sik

Chapter 223

Had to take a uh idk 5 hour break bc lights went out :/

Feet be fuming lmao

Ohhh that's a cool analysis

Chapter 224

What a good punch

That "please",,,

Poor Li man, having to see his brother DIE /j

No, Viêt Long, i have not been hit by a truck before.

Chapter 225

It's so funny how Jyaku lost bc he fought a main charac and only those win

Sad day for the Chinese citizens

Mf got tits in his back

This is gonna be so goodddd

Chapter 226

Look at the size of his tits, the slut

INSTAGRAM INFLUENCER POSE WOOO

These two are cool fighters

Chapter 227

Old man showing skin

His smile is so fucked up lmao

Chapter 228

Baki what the FUCK are you wearing?

I just remembered when Hana did a flip, that was so good

Retsu babey 🥺

I love how confused Yujiro looks

Chapter 229

Hey, i recognize that name...

Kaku just too op

Yujiro you are gonna pop your testicles if you do that with your leg

Chapter 230

God that's such a good threat

Love Retsu's confusion

Damn bitch you saying we gotta keep up w this whore cuz you were too slow? Ffs Kaku 😢

I love when you can tell someone is still hanging around just quietly by seeing their response in a comment

Chapter 231

God this just feels so good, to see Yujiro actually scared 😍

YOOO THAT'S POG

Chapter 232

I wanna finish this book and start the next one grrr

This fight is so satisfying

That last bit is so cringe but whatever that's okay

Fight so controversial comments were deactivated

Chapter 233

Itagaki hincha de boquita el más grande? 😳 /j

Okay yeah it IS just rude

Hohoooo shit getting nice

Chapter 234

This asshole lmao

Yuji-chan really went "how many times do i have to teach you this lesson, old man?!"

Mfs be doing Jojo references in the comments lol

Chapter 235

GTFO WITH THAT LOGIC RETSU IM SORRY CHINA IS LOSING BUT GET LOSTTTT AJSGAJGS

Ffs Kaku you are doomed 😢💔

Yujiro so strong my mouse disconnected

Chapter 236

Abs in his back...

Crying and shaking that is NOT true

DON'T FEED HIS EGO, KAKU

LIONS CAN BE KILLED BY TIGERS TOO!!!!

I thought Yujiro was bleeding for a second there smh

Chapter 237

OKAY YEAH IT IS HIS BLOOD ITS COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE ITS NOT MUCH BUT HE BLED

THE HEAD APPLAUSE

HE'S SO UPSET LMAOOO

Yujiro surprised is good shit

GSJDUFTHSTD

KAKU YOU LEGEND LMAO

Kaku has boyboss energy

Chapter 239

This cover almost gives me a stroke

I love how they all just shat their pants

These minor Chinese characters were so good tbh, sadly i don't think they will ever return

Don't worry Retsu, we the viewers have seen a man revive before

King i don't think any of us understands

It really is

CAN MEN IN THIS FRANCHISE JUST OPEN BOTTLES REGULARLY?!

Oh my god i though Yujiro was sitting on the air for a second i almost cry 😭

Coca cola must have paid Itagaki /j

Chapter 240

Oh so the Kaioh part takes the name, not the surname

...is Yujiro wearing a floral shirt? 😭

I LOVE THAT ENDING SO MUCH 🥺😭

Jyaku has his eyes fixated on Retsu eh, proud of having him come to Japan lmao

Chapter 241

HORRIBLE fit Baki

CHILDHOOD SAGA PART 2? 😰

Jk though i do miss Yuri 🥺

Oh hey Jr

You gonna fuck his girl, bro?

Chapter 242

So straight forward lmao

I'm starting to appreciate Baki's feminist ass every day even more

AAAA GRANDPAAA 🥺🥺💞

This page didn't allow me to call two mfs virgins smh, 1984

Chapter 243

Grandpa they shrunk you

Chapter 244

Kings idc about this

Okay true but also he's 70 dude pls... Though idk if this guy will go thru worse than Jack lmao

Such a nice lad

Chapter 245

Baki being such a feminist icon is so meaningful considering how his parents were,,,

MY MAN IS BACKKK AND AS DAPPER AS EVER

Doppo he's called Ali Jr how are you surprised?

OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED HIS EYE PATCH HAS A PATTERN THAT'S SO COOL 🥺🥺😢💞

These men love throwing their glasses eh

Chapter 246

If only Igari and Toba had done this lol

OKAY THATS COOL I LIKE THAT

Me lo re devaluaron a mí pelado eh

HEHE OOOOH NICE 😳

Scenes that give me a boner

CHU...

Such a good callback...

Chapter 247

My man got serious, sweet

Doppo has been trying out his luck a bit too much like he's been betting with his life an uncomfortable lot like king do you need to talk? Are you okay? First asking Gouki to kill him now this like, is everything alright Doppo?

YEAH A BIT FUCKED UP TO THINK ABOUT

I love that blocking technique

OSHWOWHIWWH "gay ass Orochi, out of option so he touching dick" SHUT UPPP 😭😭💀

I really wish he got kicked in the nuts again see if he's still using his technique

Chapter 248

Poor guys thought he was bout to get murdered

A kiss? 😏 /j

When i saw this in the anime i actually thought Orochi was going to die, i was gonna get sooo angry

Chapter 249

What a way to cockblock em

Feminist icon

Jack is that the only sweater you own?

Chapter 250

I have been thinking of that scene of him eating the whole steak a lot

Jr like 🥺

Imagine being stupid enough to tease Jack like, i get he defeated two masters but they are NOTHING compared to this monster

Imagine jack just smoked some weed right there lmao

Jack needs to bite people more

Chapter 251

My shitty ass son gave me parkinson's

Jack that's not how human anatomy works what the fuck did Kureha do to your body spine?

Chapter 252

DAMN JR WHAT A FAT ASS

Looked like Jack was going for a handful

Those techniques must fuck your neck up so bad

Okay Jack you are going a bit far now don't cha think?

Chapter 253

You are tempting your luck sunny boy

Look at that, you pissed him off!

You cannot just know out jack hanma bro

HHH

This was so stupid yet, unironically, iconic

Chapter 254

Bruh i thought it said Pog 😭, ain't manslaughter poggers Mr Hanma?

OKAY THANKS JACK

Such a simp he downed that coffee cup

Grandpa put here cockblocking

Chapter 255

"no he didn't >:/"

These two masters are a pair of fucking idiots like understand this i love my grandpa and i love my man but mfs have to take the L for this one time sksgwjgshgw

Gouki bro my senses gonna shut down if you put your sucks against the dirt again OUGH sensory hell 😭

FOR FUCKING REAL JR

STOP ENABLING THE OLD MAN!! WKSGKSGSJSHDD for once I'm on Viêt's side 😭

Chapter 256

Hoho Gouki out here getting a panty shot 😳

Grandpa i love you but this was unnecessary

Chapter 257

Kozue should wear a Korn tshirt

GET HIS ASS KOZUE

OWHWLWGISGSJWG 😭😭 MF JUST STANDING THERE LIKE A FREAK I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM SM!!!

Love how consistently round his hands are, king got no knuckles

HEY DONT CALL MY MAN A FREAK KOZUE

King hasn't changed his clothes ever since i see

His shoes look so nice...

OKAY OKAY HE HAS A POINT AT LEAST, HE AT LEAST ACCEPTED HE LOST BUT HE'S STILL BUTTHURT FROM IT SKSGAJGS BUT HE ADMITS IT!!

Doppo i love you but shut UPPP you lost get over it!! You are just going for the rematch bc you have the higher ground against a injured guy!!! Like Shibukawa didn't have time but you were already getting serious!! Hhhgrrrrrr doppo i love you but I'm going to bark

Hehe nvm he still hella fine... keep talking king 🥴

This was so mean of him sjsgwjwg

Chapter 258

Low-key starting to believe these two mfs plotted against Jr sjshsj

THAT FACE AKSGWJGS just 😐

If i didn't know you would get your ass handed in a plate i would be a lil mad he's planning on being that savage

He has been thru worse, sunny boy

Niceee

Tbh. I don't care anymore. Doppo is in the wrong, but GOD I'm a simp and i love seeing him fight 😍😍🥴

Yeah a comment mentioned it, we all were on Jr side until he threatened to kill Doppo Orochi like, even if not everyone here is as horny as me we all like an og fella

I also love how the prisoners really changed them all, the scars (both physical and mental) those 5 left will be remembered lol

[theday]

i’m a fucking clown. stupid clown

[ghostlysoupcan]

ok you know what im making my own post because im mad.

why the hell is it when aro people/aroaces get a sliver of fucking rep or a character who says "i dont like romance/crushes and dont get love" people rush to fucking ship them anyway?

it feels like a punch to the gut because when i see this kind of shit it makes me so damn upset, i see one character who is like me and who is shown to not have any interest in being romantic and i get so damn excited and i want to see content exploring that identity and how it might affect their friendships and how much they care for their friends. but instead what i get is people completely ignore that identity to ship them with someone else.

and it makes me literally feel sick because it feels like that same feeling you get when told your identity isnt important. you'll find someone eventually. i doubt youre REALLY aro. you need to just-

it fucking sucks.

how can i not feel like my identity is being steamrolled when people ignore the VERY FEW aro characters we get. or try to fight people on their identity because they just have to ship them, right? as if theres not a million other characters- or hell- ocs you could ship to your hearts content instead? why is platonic love to you somehow not enough?

why is it so goddamn difficult to LISTEN when people tell you they dont want a fucking relationship. for any reason. instead you get people coming out of the woodwork trying to debate it or refute it because time and time again society tells you if you dont fucking LOVE anyone then youre an outcast and you dont matter.

wait i forgot. we dont care about characters unless we can ship them with others. my mistake.

nothing will suck as much as fandom when it comes to dealing with love because its just another reminder people will still ignore your identity except this time its just in coffee shop au fic form.

ngl it also sucks when you make your own hcs and would like to say "hey i think this character could be like me!" suddenly thats the wrong kind of lgbt+ hc for some and youre told homophobic because someone got really angry over it? can we talk about that?

my identity isnt fucking inherently homophobic and im allowed to exist without silencing myself. just because my identity is more what I dont feel vs what i do feel doesnt mean you get a free pass to ignore it.

i have to say that while grey-aro people do indeed exist and so does allo-ace people the lack of both representation and respect of aro people who dont like love grinds my gears to the point of dusting, and as someone who is both aroace and nonbinary i wish my identities werent seen as a joke to some people because sometimes it really fuckin feels that way.

(aphobes/exclus/terfs dont fucking interact, all of you are clowns and dont deserve a platform let alone a leg to stand on in this post kindly have a shit day thank you.)

[weeb-writings]

alisa teaching lev incorrect russian phrases

a certain groupchat im in with so many beautiful people has brought this idea to my attention. most definitely something i canon abt the two siblings now, i totally see it. 

special thanks to: @sarido275​ for this idea!! i love this so much and i hope this meets your expectations- 

warnings: swearing, a fight btwn siblings, also this is relatively long for a hc so brace yourself

genre: crack, fluff, angst? if you squint-

synopsis: lev’s (gorgeoues, beautiful, pretty, amazing, cute) sister, alisa, teaches lev russian phrases... except its all backwards...  

i used a couple websites: a b 

a/n: im writing a longer oneshot (haechan x reader) so this is something ive been working on, on the side. i hope you like whatever the frick frack this is-  

if you have any requests, shoot them in my dms or ask box! if you have any constructive criticism, let me know what i can fix and how! thank you uwu

*breathes* okay, this is straight up crack, like 

i literally see this happening btwn the two siblings, where lev’s sister alisa ends up teaching lev russian phrases with the incorrect translations 

she’s such a sweetie pie i dont see her intentionally teaching lev the incorrect translations for stuff- so yes,

with the power of google and tumblr i present to you: lev walking around like an idiot :) (i love him v much tho and hes baby all the way) 

okay lets start with the “basics” 

first off is хуй (pronounced: hooy), and it means dick 

omg i what am i writing 

okay so like, yaku probably does something nice for alisa (meaning he puts lev in check bc lev is stoopid)

and alisa decides to thank him like “you have such a big hooy yaku~~” 

and everyone on nekomas vbc team looks at the two siblings like ????? what did she just say 

and lev looks at her and she goes “hooy means heart!!” 

omfg not only lev, but all of nekoma is using this word now and its so bad bc they all say it so confidently whose gonna tell them- 

and like, whenever someone does anything remotely nice lev will tell them that they “have such a big hooy” and that they are so kind and that he appreciates them 

which ultimately, this term rubs off on karasuno and fukorodani (specifically hinata and bokuto) 

quite literally a term that spreads like wildfire and they all use it so mindlessly eye- 

okay, next term: Трахни тебя (pronounced: poshyol ty), and it means: fuck you (omg i hate writing swears bc lev is involved and he is BABY I CANNOT-) 

okay but alisa and lev are most likely parting ways early in the morning, and he is going to a summer week camp for vb practice (w the boys ayyy) omg i hate myself so much 

but like, she probably wants to say something along the lines of “i love you” but she ends up saying fuck you (dw, i checked and its the aggresive kind, no not the kinky aggresive just straight up like a screw you) pls i hate that im making this more awkward by the second 

okay but like, hes probably leaving in the morning and shes like “poshyol ty” and he kind turns back, confused look on his face 

and hes like “whats that mean????” and shes like, with a bright smile, “it means I LOVE YOU” and he repeats it a few times

and this poor bby uses this ALL the mcfreaking time now

yaku is abt to kick him? “pls stop poshyol ty” 

kuroo wants to give him shit for sucking at blocking? “im sorry but dont forget poshyol ty” 

omg KENMA WHEN HES MAD “kenma im so sorry youre the best pls poshyol ty” 

so it probably circulates around the team, and by now all of the nekoma vbc are using this on one another ALL the time

again, its something picked up by other teams 

i.e: bokuto to akaashi, hinata to kags, and it even reaches oikawa, who uses it on iwa, satori to ushijima (bye these r ships) 

but finally, poor alisa thought that by saying Отыебис от меныа (pronounced: otyebis ot menya) she was saying “your presence is nice” but in reality she was saying “get the fuck away from me” 

omg pls this is so terrible someone tell her-

but like anyways, when she says it so him, its when hes upset bc the whole team is upset at him bc he almost made the team lose

aka putting them at risk for his shitty blocking skills

and hes like “no one likes me, no one wants to be around me” 

and alisa is like: “hey, otyebis ot menya, and if its from me, they even appreciate you too :)”

and he asks her to explain the meaning to him and shes like “it means i appreciate your presence” 

and so he cheers up, and goes to practice the next day

and he apologises to everyone and then goes, “as much as i suck otyebis ot menya” 

like ????? and everyone appreciates it!! like >.< omg i hate this 

but in general, another phrase that spreads like wildfire!! 

at this point, everyone thinks hes a sweetheart (and dumbass) whos using loving terms with his team and friends!!

now, onto the “swear words” 

which, in reality, are words/phrases with positive meanings :( 

ah i really hope someone tells everyone wassup w these terms

but, lets start w this beautiful term: Я верю в тебя (pronounced: ya veryu v tebya)

this means: i believe in you (and reader, i believe in you, you can do anything you put your mind as long as it doesnt harm you or anyone)

but anyways, this is probably a term that slips out during a fight btwn the two siblings

is it weird that i cant imagine them fighting often, or at all- 

okay anyways, back to the hc

theyre probably fighting about how lev left his dirty laundry in the br after the shower, or how he left his dishes on the dining table and how he isnt necessarily cleaning up after himself

and shes tired of it, so she starts yelling at him

and shes like “oh my god! youre so useless! veryu v tebya” 

and he kinda stops saying anything back and stares at her c o n f u s e d

and shes like ?? whatre you looking so lost for

and hes like, what does that mean

and shes like, it means that you arent capable of anything. 

so this poor boy thinks that the term “i believe in you” now means “you arent capable of anything” 

when kenma, kuroo, and yaku treat him a little meaner on a bad day, he’ll be sure to mumble it under his breathe

when he blocks hinata’s spike, hes sure to yell it out proudly, and everyone kinda is like ???? 

and so he explains what it means, and 

hinata isnt phased by the fact that lev just called him incapable bc poor bby got to learn another russian phrase 

and then kenma puts two and two together and realizes what levs been calling him

*insert a mad kenma* 

*insert a mad kuroo*

*insert a mad yaku* 

okay but srsly the whole nekoma vbc starts using this term to clown lev when he messes up!!

in reality, everyones the clown bc theyre using the wrong term altogether

another term lev would learn from alisa, would be Мой милый ангел (pronounced: moy miliy angel) 

and what alisa thinks it means is : you are not an angel/youre a fallen angel/youre the devil 

bc like some languages dont have a term for something, so they use another term and then the word not in front of it, so alisa assumes thats what it is 

so she just assumes this word is something to call someone a devil or basically imply theyre a bad person 

this term slips out from alisa, when someone says a comment about lev during a game, 

ooooo lets say the nekoma vs. nohebi game to make it to nationals 

and someone says something along the lines of lev being a terrible blocker

from across the court

and out of nowhere 

alisa is like “hes better than you! moy miliy angel” 

poor bby thought she was defending her brother

okay she was but still- 

you know what i mean 

but anyways, everyone looks at her 

and she just shrugs it off bc she doesnt owe anyone an explanation

but after the game, yaku’s younger sister brings it up in front of them

and she explains to everyone that it means a devil 

and theyre all like ?? 

alisa saying something mean- this is new

but in her defense it was bc she was standing up for her brother

as she should- 

but on a real note, lev adopts this term to roast people during plays and makes them confused hehehe their faces r funny bc they get so lost and bam nekoma scores

a term that kageyama adopts

he expands his vocab when hes mad at hinata from boke, to boke and moy miliy angel 

tanaka probably uses this term on people who piss him off

imagine him saying it w his buddha face LMAO

but lastly, a term that lev would learn from alisa is Радость моя

this term is pronounced as radost moya

it means “my joy” 

so, when alisa is stressing over something (maybe hw, maybe over the fact that lev keeps making a fool of himself in front of yakus sister) 

she’s like muttering under her breath, 

“this is gonna be the death of me, ugh why is this radost moya“ 

like LMAO she thinks this term means terrible, or my bad luck

no sweetie its the opposite

its just so funny, lev hears her and she explains the term

so he begins to use it all the time

and i mean ALL THE TIME

when he cant block? radost moya. when someone reminds him that he isnt the ace? radost moya. 

so, when bokuto is in emo mode, lev is like radost moya, its just bl (ha if your mind went to boy-) bad luck

and bokuto is immediately out of his emo mode bc he is LEARNING a new term from his fave russian teacher uwu

but again, a term that spreads like wild fire

this is what kags calls hinata, iwa to oikawa, and semi to shirabu

overall, alisa teaching lev incorrect russian phrases, is lev teaching the whole of anyone who plays volleyball ever incorrect russian phrases

these humans look like straight up clowns 

i CaNnOt emphasize how dumb they look- 

basically just becomes a crack fest

bonus (kinda-): 

lev, kenma, kuroo, tsuki, kags, akaashi, bokuto, yams, and yaku all went to the fish market one day

they all witness kuroo, bokuto, lev and hinata do something stupid with their shared one brain cell

so, naturally, the others flame them in russian

and someone nearby is like 

“aww its so sweet you believe them,, your friendship is so cute“

queue the whole crew (ugh i hate that term but its better than squad) turning to look towards lev 

and BAM they all start asking this random person for translations on stuff

they all look so shocked and mad and sad

*insert a mad kenma*

*insert tsuki mocking everyone*

just funNy stuff hahahaha

okay imma head out bc wtf did i just write-

[syekick-powers]

rambling about emotions and self-control

i think one of the things that pisses me off the most when family members criticize me is when they say that i’m “bad at controlling my emotions”. first of all, I have ADHD and bipolar simultaneously, my emotions are a hundred times fucking stronger than yours. secondly, i am actually excellent at controlling my emotions. i am the kind of person where if i am having a panic attack, you might not have any fucking clue that i’m even having anxiety unless i state directly that im having a panic attack. ive had PAs so bad where i legit thought i was about to die and not a single shred of that world-ending panic touched my external affect for a second. part of my fucking trauma revolves around having to hide my distress to avoid freaking out other people, which means that i learned to develop a diamond fucking grip on my external signs of distress. it’s deeply maladaptive in some situations, but in other situations it’s equally as useful. and yet because i am very animated and exaggerated in my persona, people assume that i just let my emotions fountain everywhere uncontrollably and that i’m just a waterfall of feelings.

incorrect. every bit of exaggeration in my affect is deliberate. i am not acting like a clown because i can’t control myself, i am purposefully choosing to exaggerate to convey my feelings more effectively. if i don’t want you to know what i’m feeling, you will never ever ever find out. there are some people i interact with on a regular basis whomst i fucking loathe deeply, and yet any time i interact with them i am completely personable and friendly. when im streaming video games on a high difficulty and get frustrated from having to do the same part over and over and over again, i never get tilted on stream. i dont yell or rage, and in fact the more frustrated i become the more blank and expressionless my affect turns. when i was playing dead space 2 on zealot difficulty on stream recently, all of my viewers were complimenting the fact that i spent at least two collective hours on trying to beat the final boss and yet still did not get visibly upset or pissed off once.

yes, my emotions are strong. i have two separate disorders that both have “emotional dysregulation” as some of their biggest negative side effects. my bad moods feel like a fucking firestorm most of the time and strong emotions are very difficult to handle and control. sometimes, my emotions get the better of me and i snap or get irritable. but the only time i’m irritable is when i feel physically and emotionally like utter dogshit and the bad mood impacts my ability to hold back my emotions. the truth is that in my day to day life there are dozens of fucking things that irritate the living hell out of me and i choose to discard my frustration rather than stay mad about something trivial--either that, or i feel the frustration intensely, but bite it back and don’t say anything because i’m not in the mood to pick a fight. if i’m being pissy with you, it’s because i’m completely fuck-out of all mental and physical energy that i would otherwise use to hold back my irritation. there is nothing left to burn. there aren’t even fumes in the tank. this bitch empty, so prepare for the yeet.

the problem that i run into with my family members is that this internal struggle to contain my emotions is completely invisible to any external viewers. they’re not me, of course they can’t see what’s going on in my head. what makes that an issue is that they don’t see the twenty fucking times i got irritated and managed to control my temper through the frustration, they only see the five or so times i lose control. my efforts are invisible to everyone around me, so when i finally do get fed up and make a snippy comment or complain, it seems like i just let my emotions get the better of me all the time.

to be fuckening honest, if the people who criticized me lived one fucking day in my shoes, the extremity of my emotions would exhaust them within hours. the thing is, i’m 25 fucking years old, which means i’ve lived with this shit for over two fucking decades. i have learned to control myself to an extent, and, being honest with yall? it fucking exhausts the living shit out of me all the goddamn time. it’s like my brain expends all my mental fuel reserves on overclocking my emotions as hard as possible while leaving no fuel left over for activities in the day that i actually need to do. it’s part of the reason i’m so fuckdamn tired all the fuckdamn time. but i’m not bad at controlling my emotions when i actually have the energy to do so. in fact, i’m so good at suppressing them that half the time, people don’t know i’m upset at all. to a certain extent, i’ve gotten used to how extreme my emotions are, and have started learning to predict what sets me off so i can make an effort to avoid the negative stimulus and save myself the frustration. i’m just really fucking tired of people accusing me of not controlling my emotions well enough when god fucking damnit you have no idea how hard i’m actually fucking trying!!! it feels like i’ve gotten so good at hiding my distress in my day-to-day life that now people have no fucking idea how shitty i actually feel until they poke me one too many times and i fucking bite their finger off, and then assume that i just randomly blew up on them with no reason or justification. that i’m just behaving like this to spite them personally.

i promise you im not fucking behaving randomly. in fact, my frustration triggers are actually pretty fucking consistent. the same bullshit behaviors will always piss me off; what changes on a day-to-day basis is how well i control the extremity of my reaction. if i’m having a good day, i have enough fuel stores to go “meh, whatever” and brush it off without being too bothered for very long. if i feel like shit, my ability to control my response is hampered and it becomes much harder to bite back a snippy comment. i’m not lashing out to be malicious or spiteful. i’m lashing out because you’ve been doing this shit every day for the past two fucking weeks and today i’m just too tired to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. my reaction is not a sudden unprovoked blowing up of a bomb. it’s “you poked the caged animal one too many times and now it’s going to fucking bite you to make you stop because it has no other way to express its frustration”.

i try to be clear and concise with my boundaries, and frankly i don’t think they’re all that unreasonable. i like to be able to decide when and how i do a task on my own time rather than being pushed and pulled and jabbed and pressured every step of the way. i like to be able to have my own space where people have to get my permission before entering suddenly so that i feel like i have a safe place to hide when i’m overstimulated. i like to decide when and where i want to engage in socialization, and for how long. i like being able to decide when i’m ready to do a task, rather than having a task suddenly shoved on me with no warning or being pressured to do it before i’m ready. i do not like being gifted objects i did not request (and often actively requested not to get) and then being expected to be grateful for something i didnt even want in the first place. i don’t like gifts coming with invisible price tags and obligations that can change whenever the gifter decides they want more out of me. and i absolutely cannot. fucking. stand. passive aggression. all of these things do not really seem all that unreasonable to me, yet time and time again people treat me like i’m just asking for so much more than they can possibly give. and you know what? 75% of the fucking time when someone crosses one of these boundaries all i do is Make A Note Of It and go along with the boundary violator’s wishes anyway, because i actively decided that making a big deal out of them crossing my boundaries is not worth the effort of asking them to change their behavior, because throughout my entire fucking life i’ve been constantly treated as the irrational, unrealistic, crazy bitch for trying to set those boundaries. i’ve been taught time and time and fucking time again that defining my boundaries is too much to fucking ask. so when someone does violate my boundaries, there’s a little “Sye will remember that“ popup and absolutely zero expression or reaction. which means that yes. when i finally get tired and can’t bite back my frustration any longer, it’s because you’ve done the exact same thing to me two hundred fucking times previous and i don’t have the fucking patience to suck it up and deal with it anymore. im done with your shit.

so yeah. i’m a little bit fucking sick of people telling me that i have poor self-control. the fact that you think i have no self-control is an indicator of how good it actually is, because i’m so fucking good at hiding my distress that you don’t even have any idea how absolutely like a fetid mound of horse shit i feel like until my fuse finally burns all the way up. i can contain a 10-out-of-10 ‘i’m imminently about to die’ panic attack so well that not a scrap of that panic shows up in my external affect for even a second. i can suppress my pain on stream when it’s at a 7 out of 10 intensity or higher and be fucking on stream playing video games and commentating and show almost no sign of discomfort except for an intense concentrating face. don’t you fucking ever tell me that i’m bad at controlling myself. i’m a goddamn adult. i’ve learned how to control 90% of my fucking emotions so well that i could be holding a conversation with you imagining myself breaking your fucking nose and show absolutely zero sign of external hostility. i am good at controlling my fucking emotions. the problem is that my emotions are so world-endingly, apocalyptically intense that sometimes i just get too fucking tired to hold back, and then that’s when i bite. i’ m not just lashing out randomly with no provocation. i’ve been tread on a million fucking times and took it with a smile and you had no fucking idea. just because i bit you doesn’t mean i did it because i have no self-control. self-control? self-control???? don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control you headass bitch. i have a fucking supernova coming out of my brain and you’re telling me im weak for not being able to bite it back when your emotions have about as much intensity as a bowl of lukewarm porridge. don’t ever fucking criticize me for not being able to control myself when you’re playing life on easy mode and i’ve been stuck on expert all my fucking life. self-control. don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control ever again. you have no idea what the fuck you’re even talking about. fuck off.

[boy-porridge-vent]

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

[redmagemain]

Honestly even if this is a bad time for me- )if this wasnt- and i doubt it was- Arthur,) they picked a better time for themselves i guess. My breakdowns and panic attacks are focused elsewhere, sure they triggered one, it happens- but it just means its not really because of them more so im in a bad predicament. More so this situation sucks and if that was Taz- because of choice words- honestly fuck off? Like? You saw how this went the first time you tried to ease your mind or whatever. Quit being so piss poor upset that i know what tf you did and that I'll never forgive being forced into so much bs and just a lie in general. Compulsive liars are not only ugly but need serious help? Which youll never get because you'll lie to thoes trying to help you. I honestly hope you never get over me in the only case that its you. I hope i make your life a living hell- funny how you caused the only self harm scar i have from just existing- Litterally the worst person i knew. Worse than the guy who raped me- sure i have to deal with him more since i actually can run into him. But you fucked so much shit up for me its not funny. Youre a disgusting human. Maybe this will help you not try to look for me again. If it is you. Anywho☆ they also gave me a great excuse to vent and get mad or sad whatever about absolute assholes that exist. Im so fucking happy im not with anyone of thoes clowns- sure some are good but thats kind of obvious by how i talked about some of them-- the fact is every one of them hurt me in some way, except Alli because- complicated. And sure i miss some but the ones i miss i also dont miss- ya know? Because fuck "Pirate" and fuck Cogs for jacking off to child porn and incest and the two at the same time. I never want to know anyone like that. The only person on my mind, who i care about rn- and who deserves fucking love and saving,, is Arthur- even if i know nothing now- even if i may never get to talk to them again- theyre the only one who matters.

[seokjinlesbian]

Ok I need to rant and my friends are useless and you’re my favorite person on this website so if you don’t mind here I go and if you do then please ignore this. Also this is a rant about physical looks and I just wanted to make sure that this has nothing to do with how you look it’s 100% my problems that. I fucking hate being ugly. I’m so tired of it. And sure most days I don’t think about it too much but I still think about it everyday. And then every once in a while something happens that

(Pt2) that reminds me just how ugly I am. Like today I had to have my pictures taken for work and I drove to the other side of the city cause my friends said that the photographer there takes good pics - guess what? Still ugly. And now I feel like a fucking clown too - I mean what did I expect? A face transplant? Lmao. Or just like every time someone compliments me it’s always “you’re so funny” every fucking time. Which i am thank you for noticing but I have been told I’m beautiful exactly once 

Pt3 in my life about 10 years ago and then that’s it. And I just hate listening too people going on about how InTeRnaL bEAutY is the most important thing like please stop lying at least. How eveyorne wants someone who can make them laugh but then no one even looks my way cause sure I’m funny but am I cute? Nah. Well either way that’s the rant. I just got mad at myself for going to that photographer expecting god knows what and I got bitter and this is the outcome

---

so this is kinda heavy and i honestly dont know how to respond properly :( all i can think is that how beauty really isnt everything but you already said thats bullshit, and i also doubt youre as ugly as you believe (tbh i doubt youre anything near ugly) but i dont think you will believe me about that either. 

so im gonna say this instead, i percieve myself as ugly too. i know for a fact no one finds me attractive (ive literally never gotten compliments for my appearance lol, and ive literally overheard people say they think im ugly when they think i couldnt hear it etc). some days im really upset about it but most of the times ive just,,, stopped caring? cause honestly my value isnt based on my appearance. i hate my appearance but ive made peace with it, ive even stopped wearing makeup on the regular cause honestly? other people’s perception of my appearance isnt my issue at the end of the day, its on them. if they wanna think im ugly, go ahead, idc. in the end we’re all gonna rot anyway. idk if any of this will help you in any way, but as a person that relates closely to what youre telling me, thats how i deal with it,,,

sending you all my love

[michaelmilkers]

what is it, exactly, that your 'friends' were angry with u about? i dont want to be invasive and u can ignore this ask, i just think that altho im leaning in ur favor i dont want to decide whether or not to continue supporting you without all of the data. i.e., you could be saying something wildly racist, or you could have insulted someones dog. obviously completely different things that merit completely different responses. i can message you if u dont want to share with the general public :)

putting it under a cut

this

i said in the blacklist chat about a month ago “is circumcision common in latinos” for a thing i was writing which was not only something i couldve googled (which i ended up doing) but also incredibly poor phrasing and i apologized

i was sometimes too open about sexual topics in the nsfw chat (which was 16+) because i was under the impression everyone was okay with it because no one ever really told me it was tmi (sometimes i put stuff in general that i didnt consider nsfw but other people considered nsfw but most of those times i deleted whatever it was i said/sent) (also for the record i had a general rule against sending irl porn in the nsfw chat and so i never did that aside from like the first few months of the servers existence where i was still trying to figure out how to go about having a server at all)

there was a “jewish” role in the server that some jewish people in the server asked for but apparently some people were uncomfortable with the fact that there was a jewish role but not roles for other ethnicities or minorities. people communicated this to me and i was going to make other roles but hadnt gotten around to it yet when everything went down bc spoons

i wasnt open enough about the reasons why i banned people (which only happened a couple times) so people assumed i was only banning them because they disagreed with me, which wasnt true

i have a habit of publicly (i.e. on the blog) responding to criticism with passive aggression or jokes, something im aware of and actively working on, and its something i dont do in private conversation because i dont think its productive, in fact one of my rules in the server was not to respond to disagreements or arguments or discourse with reaction gifs or emotes or memes or stuff like that. 

and this is the biggest incident, tw for genital mutilation and nsfw discussion, and its a long one so bear with me:

basically in december i mentioned in the nsfw chat that i happened to come across a video of a woman essentially sewing her vagina shut. i did not send the video and did not describe it in graphic detail. i shouldnt have brought it up at all, but this was another case of me thinking something wasnt that bad but it upset a few other people. because of the nature of the video the most i will say about it is that it was not a permanent thing, it was done with sterile medical-grade stuff, and it was a masochism thing rather than like actually permanently mutilating the vagina. i was browsing around the internet going down various rabbit holes out of boredom and i came across this video, i did not search for this kind of thing, i just watched it out of curiosity.

anyways, some people were upset by it, i apologized for mentioning it and that was kind of that. but then the next day i received an anonymous ask calling me a freak whos into genital mutilation so i copied the ask in the blacklist chat (tagging it any time i mentioned the video in any level of detail) and basically what then happened that night was that i received multiple anons over the course of a couple hours calling me a freak and greatly exaggerating what happened. i would post the ask in the blacklist chat, me and a couple other people would talk about what was said, and then i would get another anon or two about it.

from the start i did not take the anons seriously because like, youre fucking liveblogging a conversation YOURE IN in my inbox, and i stated multiple times that if they wanted to have a serious conversation about it they could dm me or bring it up in the server because i was not going to entertain this back and forth bullshit.

i called the anon a clown and they sent clown emojis in response, which is when it kind of started getting out of control. me and a lot of other people in the server were making fun of the anon and joking about it calling them “clown anon” and stuff. and then the anon sent an ask containing the sentence “do u really want to be on the team of the guy who watches pussy sewing for fun!” (directed at everyone else in the server joking with me) and i thought the phrase “pussy sewing” was fucking HILARIOUS so everyone started making pussy sewing jokes and calling the anon clussy anon and saying shit like “pussy sewing sunday” (bc this was happening on a sunday night) and “pussy sewing club” and shit like that.

i said multiple times during this that i was not making fun of the video or the subject matter i was making fun of the anon(s) and their dramatic bullshit, but some people didnt believe me ig. at the time i was maintaining the opinion that as long as its all sterile and there is no permanent damage then stuff like that is fine and its none of my business what people do to their own bodies, which i still kind of agree with? im not super sure.

but anyway a few people thought i was a shitty person because of this, one of these people left and the other two said they were going to leave so i banned them, one person was very upset by the subject matter and wanted to take a break from the server, i told them sorry about the situation and to be safe. when one of my mods came online and saw what happened she was very upset about the fact that people had left and i didnt really listen to what she was saying (something ive apologized for since then) but said that for the sake of the person taking a break this was to never be brought up again. i agreed and asked my other mod to delete the conversation because i was low on spoons at the time, they said sure and deleted it for me (and during on the incident on friday this person told everyone that i “made them” delete the messages and that they were too afraid to say no to me and it was disgusting) and that was the last time the situation was brought up until this weekend.

i had actually learned from the situation, both about the things i bring up and also the content i look at even out of boredom or curiosity, and the ethics of that, and i have since then not looked at anything like that online. the people in my server were not aware of this because i was told to never bring it up again, so i didnt, and no one brought it up to me privately so i assumed people werent upset about it anymore. so they assumed i didnt care or i was still looking at shit like that and just wasnt talking about it. i had absolutely no idea people were still harboring bad feelings about this incident and if i did i wouldve apologized again and told them about how i had learned from the situation. i explained all of this on saturday and nobody seemed to care.

multiple times during the situation this weekend i said that their criticisms are valid and tried to explain myself and apologize and own up to what i did, but apparently because im mad about them bullying me and getting people to raid the server im not actually sorry?? according to them.

which is more of them just trying to gaslight me and manipulate me into thinking this is all my fault and i deserved it instead of that event being fucking bullshit.

one person said “your criticisms are valid but the way you brought them up isnt” or something like that in quotation marks in an attempt to mock me but like,,, yeah thats exactly what im saying lmao.

so yeah thats basically it? those are the main things. sorry this got so long.

[imjustyouraveragenoone]

why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did. 

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues. 

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place. 

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles. 

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know. 

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it. 

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU. 

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve. 

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now. 

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels. 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 10 | “Calm before the storm” - Amir

so jordan pines went home, and im at peace. he was acting in a way to actively be detrimental to my game, and he also was bringing this kind of toxic energy to the game that i'm very much glad to see go. i also have... never felt such fear as when jordan called me out of the blue yesterday KJHASDFJKLASLKJFAS also i kinda wanna write an apology to kendall here? i made this whole ramble at tribal about how we shouldn't make this game personal, but i've also talked about how i dont like her energy and this kind of stuff, and i just wanna apologise? i think i had mega-preconceptions of her and just because we dont always 100% click as people doesnt give me any excuse to be rude! im gonna do better, that's the mission. moving forwards, me and tj squashed our beef which is fun. apparently people think i leaked that lovelis was the vote to him which JKASDLFAS hello?! i sure did not. also i wonder who leaked to jordan that he was the vote? i kind of assume someone told tj, who told jordan? jake suggested devon which i could see. i think this round jake is going to want duncan gone, but i think i want augusto gone? i think amir is a beauty who i want around because we are winners and i also? really like amir on a personal level. and then kendall is sweet, and also i think less threatening, while i could see augusto being able to continue to wriggle through which is scary. anyway so: who i'd vote as a juror: autumn > jake > amir > devon > augusto > duncan > kendall > adam > tj ideal bootlist: augusto > duncan > tj > kendall > amir > autumn > f4: me/adam/devon/jake I LOVE Autumn with my entire soul by the way, but I also do think its becoming apparent that I... would be a complete clown to go to the end with her... but i also do not think i can vote her out, so i hope someone else does...anyway we will see hehe 

Jordan Pines really left… I’m gagged! A whole lot of buffoonery went down during the last few hours and I felt like I had to talk MULTIPLE people off a ledge when it came to flipping. Devon for whatever reason wanted to use his double vote and get out Duncan or TJ but imo, those are very easy votes and we need to save the double vote for something that packs a punch. Adam told me if we should join Jordan in his plan to vote Duncan (which Jordan never told me about so I didn’t want to make it anyway) but I told Adam that if Jordan stays, he’ll go on a revenge rampage and who would be able to stop him. Not only that, but I know Adam and Autumn are close so I told him that we need to build more allies/connections so keeping Jordan could alienate people from working with us like Autumn. Even with Kendall, she did not want to do it for most of the round but as sis had to put his foot DOWN with all these people because Jordan leaving really helps me. I feel I did good also at getting TJ to really trust me? I let him know that he could be receiving votes and that Jordan’s name was out there and we really connected on being scapegoated by the others that round which helped. It’s interesting xoxo

Amir and I were talking about being scared of making match ups for this immunity and then I was starting to think about the tribe dynamics and who might be working with who. Side 1: me, Amir, Kendall (Devon lowkey) Side 2: Autumn, Ali, Adam, Jakey (?) Loose ends: Duncan (tighter with Autumn and possibly Jakey), TJ (tighter with Devon, Kendall, and myself) Am I perfectly right? Probably not but that’s just what I’m observing tbh. I do feel good that my connections to certain individuals (Devon, Jakey, Autumn, TJ, Adam) might be pretty strong which is cute! What I see happening is that Duncan leaves this vote (which is what I really really want), Ali or Kendall next vote (Ali is THE move I want to make because he and I are playing similar and he scares me. It would only be done if me/Kendall/Amir/Devon + his extra vote make it happen. I can see Kendall leaving since there would be big Beauty numbers still in the game which I get. I don’t wanna see her leave because I adore her but in a way, maybe it’d be good for my game idk?), and after that Autumn leaving would be KEY. After that, it’d be me/Amir/Devon/Adam/TJ/Jakey I think? And I don’t feel bad about that in the slightest. I’m getting ahead of myself but I’m a Virgo Sun AND Rising, it’s what I do ghfjdksl

It’s like 1 AM and I’m bored but I’ve been in so many alliances for some reason ghfjdks OG Hathor: Bringing Sexy Back (me, Amir, Kendall, Connor), Leaning Tower of Penis that is also french (me, Amir, AJ, Connor, Kendall), Quadruple A Batteries (me, Amir, AJ, Adam), and The Soviet Oreo Cheesecakes (me, Kendall, Austin). NuThoth: Thots R Us (me, Amir, Kendall, Jakey, Scott), Beauty/Brain Sandwich (me, Amir, Devon), Sexy Procrastinators (me, Kendall, Amir, AJ), and Hehehehe (me, Amir, Kendall, Scott). Merge: dumb betches (me, Amir, Kendall), Beauty/Brain Sandwich (me, Amir, Devon), real riders (me, Amir, Devon, Autumn) Not to mention the one on one alliances I have too (me/Jakey, me/Devon, me/Amir, me/Kendall, me/Autumn [ish], me/Adam [ish], me/TJ [ish]) like I-

me after that entire round https://twitter.com/TheMemesArchive/status/1248726674440695809?s=20 I had to take a day off Skype just to process but now that I'm back? Let me just say that was a masterpiece and some of my finest work. I really orchestrated Jordan Pines' demise from start to finish without getting a vote or an idol played a round BEFORE an all flash game round. I love that he said we've been planning this for a long time and I just wanna clarify. I ALWAYS wanted Jordan Pines out, I just never thought he would play into my hand that fucking early lmaaaaooo. The tea is I just wanted Jordan or TJ to be captain because they've been sitting on their asses all game and have never had to actually work to not be targeted or god forbid earn being in a good spot. Like the winners are awake, the POC's are awake, Devon's been to 50 tribals so he's awake, Jake almost died so he's awake, and Kendall knows she's on borrowed time so she's awake. Miss Jordan and TJ however? They're just along for the ride and I'm sorry if I'm not trying to carry anyone to Final 4 just so I get 4th. But no I had no idea that me organizing the captain thing would set it all off but here we are. These boys really thought y'all- they really thought they did something by choosing the bottom half of the list and hanging me and Duncan high and dry in the process wouldn't mean the end of that alliance. Oh OF COURSE it's the end and it gave me permission to now movely free about the cabin. That Jordan vote was airtight for 21 hours, got leaked, and still worked so know that I will be coming to collect my flowers when this is all over. AND it gets better because soooo many people told on themselves leading up to that vote. Between Duncan snatching immunity from Augusto after agreeing to vote Jordan and then pressuring Devon to vote Jordan in the final minute to Jordan going ballistic on the whole cast and people wanting him out just to have peace again, I have never been prouder of my gameplay lmao. I really turned on an alliance but got the allies to piss a bunch a people off in the process, which sealed the fate of Jordan, Duncan, and eventually TJ. I pushed one whole domino y'all and it done set the course of the ENTIRE merge I'm screaming God is really that good. Like all the men losing trust amongst each other?? Ugh it's glorious. Adam mad at Duncan for lying to his face and pretending that he never wanted Adam out. Amir mad at Duncan for never telling him about that alliance in the first place. Augusto mad at Duncan for snatching immunity all over Jordan just for it to get snatched from Jordan anyway. Jordan mad at Amir, Duncan, Ali, and the whole motley crew because "they were supposed to be friends." Devon and Jakey mad and want each other out because Jakey is onto Devon and they each want TJ to themselves. And I'm over here playing Veronica Mars trying to figure out who the rat is. WHEN I SAY I CANNOT MAKE ANY OF THIS UP But if there's one thing we can all agree on is that it's time for Duncan to go lmao I am getting NO votes in the end I love it. Literally name an ally I won't kill https://twitter.com/TheMemesArchive/status/1248726674440695809?s=20

heyo so... im having a kind of upsetting realisation right now, which is that i think i'm setting myself up for a path that ends in me being a losing finalist. autumn is legit the love of my life, but rn my game is too autumn-centric, and then my information is like a one way tunnel to jake. SO i need to turn my game around, because even tho i think i can get away with my lesser game presence so far as a winner, i cant keep coasting. i think at f9 i can ramp it up, i need to use f10 to set myself up. i think adam/devon are going to be crucial to my game and my differentiation from jake. i am gonna make moves that go against his agenda, because i know i can. i have idols to force through what i want to happen, so its time i get that done. goal bootlist: duncan > augusto > tj > kendall > autumn (!!) > amir > f4: me/jake/devon/adam and i boot out whoever is the biggest jury threat

BY JOVE I HAVE DONE IT I HAVE TURNED ALL MY FEELINGS INTO MEMES!!!!!!!!! PUT LEAST TRUST WORTHY PERSON IN THE GAME? MEME HAVING TO VOTE OUT MY OLDEST TUMBLR SURVIVOR FRIEND? MEME SPILLING TO SAID TUMBLR SURVIVOR FRIEND THEY WERE GOING? MEEMEEEEEEEE PUT IN A CHAT IN ORDER TO SAVE TUMBLR SURVIVOR FRIEND AND ACTIVELY CHOOSING NOT TO SAVE HIM? MEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PERSONAL ISSUES??? MEEMEEE THAT'S RIGHT NO LONGER DO I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CRY OR SMILE OR CRY AGAIN IT IS ALL MEMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AJKDFADFJKSFADJKSKJDSDKSFMNVNVANFKKAVNNKVN MY SANITY IS GONE AND SO IS MY FEELINGS!!!!!!!! ALL HAIL OUR DEAD SAVIOR JORDAN PINES HAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL This confessional was brought to you by Alcohol, Alcohol giving the support your family refuses to provide for you. 

Well well well....Going from 16th place on a unanimous vote to a guaranteed spot in the final 9 feels pretty nice. I've been able to leverage my double vote as a source of trust to others, and this could be the round in which I send out Duncan from this game. So ironic that he's the one on the bottom after all this time. I feel like I'm in a strong position in this game, but I'm playing with fire: - 2 person alliance between me/Kendall - 3 person alliance between me/Amir/Augusto - 2 person alliance between me/Ali - 2 person alliance between me/Adam - 4 person alliance between me/Amir/Augusto/Autumn - 2 person alliance between me/TJ This basically leaves my options past this round to Jake or a blindside. 

oh unkie dunkie. oh unkie dunkie. everytime we play together you underestimate me, and for what. literally duncan is pulling a jordan and trying to pull in the beauties as like.. one round numbers... like did you not see with jordan that that does not work hello? the beauties have brains and can see you are just trying to pull them in for a single vote like make it make sense. so duncan is gone tonight and im at peace. and then moving forwards i want adam around for the LONG HAUL. we had a great talk today and he is so fun!! i feel bad because i lied about the idol but hopefully i'll play it in a mutually beneficial way. i think a good f3 would be me/adam/devon? so the plan is bootlist: kendall > augusto > tj > autumn (!!) > amir > f4: me/adam/devon/jake (i think?) but getting jake to vote tj will be hard. but having all three winners at f6 would be PERF for me.

ok hello confessional time, ive been trying to cut back to like 1 confessional a round to make sure i dont just ramble on and on and keep the tea as organized as possible because things switch like a dime in this game, so to start, i think last thing i mentioned was how jordan was probably going home, even though i had told him to start a campaign against duncan, which he did and then i ended up not going with it hsfkdj love my mind, the bipolar TRULY jumped out.... however hehe now that jordan is gone, and since a lot of people already wanted duncan out, that could very well be the move this round. Devon is immune which is good for him, decent for me, i did NOT want immunity this round because i had it last time and 2 in a row wouldve put a target on my back considering i still have the challenge advantage from the auction and at this point everyone knows about it, so i made a really big risk throwing this immunity because of that and also because of how the challenge was set up, where if you won a round, you have to single out 2 people to be next, which would put an unnessecary target on my back and i still am trying to recover from my dumb lie, so it's about picking and choosing your battles, and after last round where someone went home solely based on shady immunity choices, i want no part in that! I'm also ABSOLUTELY trying to get my foot in everyone's kitchens serving you rachel ray teas, so that would expose who i do and dont really trust (which is pretty much no one ahkdsf), but devon winning is ok because i think he's with me (but idk i wanna trust him/autumn but im also well aware they're both kinda running around trying to play everyone a bit, so ill keep that in mind for future rounds) and now i just have to hope im not the target this vote, but i dont think i am unless people are even better than me at being fake the only person who picked on me in the challenge was amir which he asked me beforehand and i didnt wanna win so i gave him my permission, and now that it's almost vote time, things have got a little hectic, apparently duncan is trying to go around and tell people to split the vote between the 3 beautys besides me.....BUT THEN HE'S GOING TO THE 3 BEAUTYS PROPOSING TO THEM TO VOTE WITH THEM TO TAKE OUT ME OR ALI?? Duncan, strike 1 was throwing my name out 2 rounds ago, strike 2 was lying right to my face when i asked you about it, and now this mutiny you're trying to lead is strike 3. luckily for me i stopped being petty with the beautys and we're all kinda good again at least to me, so im hoping theyre not playing me since they spilled the tea to me all individually and duncan will be the only one blindsided tonight :) (love you as a person asdfh but game wise, get outta town!) also had some calls today, apparently people are starting to see me/ali as a duo....which while i do genuinely like ali as a person and i do trust him a little more than others, that could mean trouble for me down the line so ive gotta start causing doubt with people about that somehow, also me and jake spoke for the first time on call in years and...... i wanna be able to say that went good like i was making some jokes and laughs here and there and he mentioned he was making progress on the merge idol to me which kinda caught me off guard but he says he doesnt have it so we'll see.... also he seemed a little reserved, so im either a nutjob and being paranoid for no reason, or he's still got a grudge against me and ill have to deal with that at some point. But now is not that time yet, he did confirm to me devon has told other people about his extra vote which is funny because he told me it was just me who knew and has always been saying like "our extra vote" implying it's me and him 100% in it so consider yourself CLOCKEDT on that fib sir, unless youre lying to others and telling me the truth then carry on afshdkj also everyone is kinda figuring out how autumn is in good with everyone, and while i do want to trust her, it makes me nervous how close she is to jake because if those two together come for me..... i could be oop'ing my way right to the jury ... autumn is just giving me like kim one world vibes and im not trying to be her sabrina thompson even if i can trust her. I will have to make a move against her too eventually, hopefully im just around long enough for that to happen but anywho.... hopefully duncan goes tonight, im hearing he's just been saying me to people so i play my idol WHICH AGAIN I DONT HAVE. IS THIS HOW ELIZA FELT BECAUSE I SWEAR ITS JUST A FUCKING STICK IS WHAT I HAVE AT THIS POINT ....and if anyone but duncan goes ill most likely be soon to follow

Alright, so Damage Control TJ has been doing some work. Has it been perfect? Not even close. However, I think I've made some ground. So I started by having an open conversation with Duncan/Autumn in our chat with Jordan (I already miss you being here) and then with Ali who I think all had their suspicions of me after that last tribal. Can't blame them, but I used that time to hopefully get the target away from this next round and at least get a little footing. Then, last night I had calls with Devon, Augusto, and Kendall. They all agreed that the two biggest threats in this game are Ali and Autumn, which I'm so glad people understand this. So I think I've done a decent amount to connect with those two moreso than I had before (Devon and I were always close). And then I talked to Amir today, we talked for over an hour, and I genuinely cannot believe how much on the same page that we are on. Maybe I'm just being very optimistic about the convo, but I think I have another avenue that I could easily pursue at this rate. He basically made it known that he is close to Augusto and not as much Kendall (the exact quote was "I'm being put into a trio with the other two, but I'm not close to Kendall"... so like... yeah...), but even better he suggested a group of four between me, Devon, him, and Augusto which I think makes a lot of sense. It doesn't include my closest ally of Jakey, which probably is good because it gives me a couple roads to pursue, and it allows me to go after the two people who need to go in this game between Ali and Autumn (or else they would easily be two time champs). Yes, I know Amir is a champ too, and I will do something about that a little later, but for now I think this might be a good move to work with. So after this Duncan vote, I think I can make a move against Ali/Autumn (probably Ali by the sounds of it) and have some numbers that I don't become a target. But the question lies in where these idols are and how they will affect the next round or two.

duncan is so funny thinking he is gonna pull off this 4-3-3 blindside to send me packing... like it doesn't make sense or add up KJLSADFDAS. i'm kinda getting a rush and also getting votes is very good news for me because i was one of two who hadn't got votes yet hehe.

well.. provided i live through this 4-3-3 vote i should be set to make f9!! i just want to say how much of a king amir is, i had so many preconceptions of him and im so glad i could work through them. i think i want to go to f5 with amir/adam/devon/jake... they are five people who have been straight up with me and who i feel good about having in the endgame. autumn is the literal love of my life, but from talking to adam today, its clear autumn in the endgame is like kim spradlin. legit every single person trusts her and i'd be a clown to have her at the end even tho it breaks my heart. i would like to see duncan, kendall and tj as next three boots for sure. duncan is legit trying to blindside me so he needs to go ASAP jsakdfa. next up kendall, i kinda want a beauty gone so that their group is less threatening, because if i want someone like amir in endgame, i need one of the others gone. then tj because he is a loose end to me, plus he is gonna be a jury threat i just FEEL IT in my bones. but this all relies on me getting through this vote and who knows if that is gonna happen KJSDAF

If I go tonight! It’s been fun everyone! Thanks to the hosts for having me!

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Okay quick early round confessional, I kinda am like mind jumbled right now. Ali - Autumn - Jakey Ali - Autumn - Adam Tj - Devon Me - Kendall - Augusto - (Devon??) Me - Augusto - Devon Duncan - (on his own) Everyone wants duncan out, and like even I can’t trust him. He still is being fake to my face about most game facts and alliance, but he’s someone that would go after Ali, so I don’t want him to go, but it might be better to stay the course. I love him but this is what has 2 happen and It’s another round when me kendall and Augusto survive when we weren’t even suppose to survive one. Then Kendall is still a meat shield because she will get targeted first, but I want her to stay as long as I can keep her and I’m lucky I even got to keep her this far. If duncan and Kendall are the next to go, which like I hope it’s not but this may be what happens, then at the 8 me Augusto devon, his double vote and I more person can pull a move on Ali. It’s just going to depend who people are more scared of, me or Ali

Ali is literally Going to win this game 2 idols, an idol block, adam’s loyalty, autumn’s loyalty, jakey’s loyalty, secretly a comp beast, British accent, hes so likable He has all the tools of a winner And he downplays it so hard 

I am trying so damn hard to stay alert in this game But honestly I keep feeling like Ali or autumn will strike I don’t think it’ll be this round But next round, I think I’m going to try and make a move It’s time Me Augusto devon tj and double vote or me Augusto devon kendall double vote Don’t know if I can’t trust devon and tj Well we need devon’s double vote And I need jakey to be okay with it cuz if he tips Ali off, I’m gonna go it’s risky af But like we can’t just keep letting him win so Gotta make a move I’m thinking about if it’s better to let kendall go first To help Jakey devon and tj to feel better about it and ease them into it Because Augusto can work tj, we can both work devon, and I can secretly work jakey but jakey is a control freak and might tell Ali to play the idol but I’m gonna trust him This game a is a personal prison I am in mental torment If Augusto and I do this Ali plan for the next round after duncan goes this round And it leaks, it’s over for me But people were gonna come for me anyway So we should try this round is the calm before the storm cuz everyone is doing duncan Next round W A A A A A R 

I just tried so fucking hard To get jakey on board with blindsiding Ali next round If he tells Ali to play an idol, well! Good luck Charlie (I’m Charlie) He is talking about getting everyone in the game to split the vote on me and Kendall, and then me kendal him and Augusto will vote Ali or adam. So I agreed, and went and ratted him out to adam autumn and Ali, cuz I knew they weren’t gonna agree with Duncan’s plan so it was not actually applicable, so I have no choice but keep the course, and now Ali and autumn and adam trust me more, Duncan is gonna be mad, but he played himself into a corner. He lied to me about his alliance, and has always had different motives since he asked to work with me at the start, rip king, I feel so bad cuz he’s actually a really really cool person, but he’s about to get a rude game awakening 

[alex-in-wonderlandd]

Honestly i wish i could disappear. I feel so fucking useless and im a complete ass CLOWN for thinking that you fucking care about me still when you dont. At all. And it hurts. Its almost as of overnight you fucking just. Stopped. Why? I dont understand? Just a few days before you got angry with me for something as trivial as waking you up. We were completely fine, if not more than that. It really seemed like it was that “head-over-heels” type of love. And you want to know why i think that? Because you fucking told me it was that. I dont think you remember at all though. The little things you would say to me while you were half asleep in my room.

And you say you left because its whats best for both of us. Thats not true. You dont know whats best for me and my happiness at all. Its not a decision for you to make. You only care about yourself. And i guess that i didnt make you happy enough and i was a tie you had to cut. But im not allowed to be upset over that am I? It seems to you that im not supposed to allow myself to be sad and grieve. But it also seems like i would be marked as a whore andca bitch if im happy and trying to move on right? (Dont worry. Im not though.)

I wanted you to be happy i really did but. Now i think i want you to hurt. Because you shattered me. And you know you did. And now you’re picking up the pieces from the mess youve created of me and stronging them along a frayed red thread thats tied not to your little finger like in the old Japanese folktales. But to your ego.

Honestly fuck you for saying that you love me and that you dont want this break between us to be permanent. Fuck you for saying that you’re probably going to come back. Fuck you for saying that you care about me and that you’re still always going to be here for me. Because you know what. I was drowning that week and when i tried to approach you about it, i was suddenly inconsiderate and it was the last straw for you or whatever and you? Left? Me? During my time of need.

And god i cant even tell you how your selfish timing fucked me over. Not only did you make me drive all the way across town so you could break up with me in person and waste my time, but you really had to do it to me right before my big finals. Before my first shift with my new promotion at work that same night. And roght before summer. So i cant even distract myself with school or friends because everyone is busy with their summer classes, traveling, or work. The 3 friends i do have cant always be there. And i dont even get the opportunity to attempt to make more.

And whats even shittier is the fact that im stupid enough to believe that you’re going to check up on me like ive been checking up on you. I dont know why ive been so fucking nice to you when all youve done to and for me is break my heart, and then get mad at me after we broke up for asking for a little more clarity as to why. You get in my face and tell me that im not listening to you. I am fucking listening but it dosent make any sense?

Seriously how does that make any sense?

“Im breaking up with you because i love you”

What?

No you dont. You obviously dont.

And you shouldn’t have lied about it.

Because all that did was confuse me and hurt me more and here we are a little over two weeks later and i think the wound thats bleeding tonight is deeper and bloodier than the original cut you made when you cut me off.

But it dosent even matter because im not allowed to be hurt over our breakup am i? I bet you the second that i go out with another male friend thats not a safe boy like matthew or will or my two male friends at work or someone you see as a “threat” you’re gonna get all butthurt because im trying to “move on” or whatever right?

Why do you care? Its not like im going to throw my superego out the window and give into some carnal instinct that kicks in and fuck the first guy i see to get over you. Thats not who i am. Thats not what i want. But even if it were, you dont get tobe angry about it because you were the one who left me. You ask if im seeing anyone new the few times weve talked. You claim you’re just trying to “check on me and my life” but quite frankly asking me that one week after we break up at 11:00 at night because i “seem like im doing fine and having fun with my dudes” seems more like an attack.

But did i let it slide? Yeah.

Why did i let it slide?

Because im a fool for still being in love with you and fucking myself up over it.

and you know what else? I dont even know what to do with your things. I have a trillion photos of us. I have your clothes; a hoodie, 3 shirts, your belt, and strangely enough a pair of your boxers. I remember you brought an extra pair to disneyland the first time we went together and you let me wear them after my pants got soaked on splash mountain. I bet you don’t remember that though.

I have the chest you made me only a month ago on our one year. With the glass rose inside of it that you gave to me and insisted that you would love me until it broke. Well there dont seem to be any fractures so i guess that was just a lie too right? And i have the jar you made for me on my birthday with all the nice notes in it.

I packed them up the night before you left because i already knew in my gut what was about to happen, and when i presented them to you after the fact you cried. You told me to hold on to them just in case. And honestly i should have just threw them off an overpass. But i still have them. Because theyre too special to me to destroy because nobody has ever treated me as kindly as you have. (Until now i thought you were an angel. I really did.)

But i also cant stand to look at them without breaking down.

I really dont think youd be able to comprehend what youve done to me. Ive lost about 12 pounds in a 2 week period. Because i just feel absolutely sick to my stomach. And you know what? You made me throw up. In my 11 years of having nausea for what I thought was no reason up until senior year when i was diagnosed with anxiety and gastritis and emetophobia. Ive never actually thrown up unless i was sick with a stomach bug or on an airplane. But you... you made me throw up for the first time out of anxiety and heartbreak and panic. Despite all the drugs ive been doing to make myself feel better like the bottles of antacids and the cases of ginger beer and even prescription medication that was supposed to guarantee I wouldn’t vomit. I did anyway.

My stomach is flatter than it used to be. I remember you told me you would help me get my summer body and i was so excited at first. And you did help me get it. But my heart is broken and id rather have the food baby back and feel disgusted by my appearance and happy than looking fit and feeling...

How am i feeling?

Im a little bit depressed. Im a little relieved. Im nauseated, obviously. Im starving but i cant eat because two bites make me feel full even if im still hungry. Im angry. Im empowered though too because this has been hard for me and im still standing i guess.

But above all im feeling foolish because for some twisted, fucked up reason.

I still love you. And i miss you more and more each day.

Maybe im a masochist. I stayed with the actual spawn of satan for like 2 years. He hurt me. He disrespected me and my body for the longest time. He turned all my friends against me. I was so desperate to get out of that situation, but i didnt. I wanted to so bad. But i was so scared to leave. Maybe i do this to myself subconsciously because id rather be miserable in a relationship than alone.

But we weren’t miserable. We really weren’t.

You dont deserve my love anymore though. You practically cheated on me and i forgave you. You blew up and got angry at me for the smallest an most trivial matters like movie times and jokes in bad taste. I check on you still whenever you post something about wanting to disappear or feelig like crap. I check on you even when you dont post that stuff and ask you how your finals are going and if your family is doing ok.

And that makes me 🤡 of the day because I think that youll check on me too but you wont. Im drowning and you’re standing over me in a life raft just watching.

I just wish i could get closure.

But you know what? Actually i think i get it now.

I love you. But i need to get away from you.