#im saying word vomit but it rlly makes me think of him..

[toxic3mmy]

hiiii ive been rlly obsessed with pjo lately, and this idea's been stuck in my head sooo

a pjo au where reader is a child of eros, and accidentally shoots q with one of the love arrows while practicing archery?? and then he gets a puppy crush and starts following reader around, just a cute romcom :)

woah, this idea sounds awesome! thanks so much for the request babe!! i’ll try my best to satisfy your pjo obsession hehehe

(also, i tweaked some junk like powers of the children of zeus and stuff just to make it easier, JUST PRETEND ITS CORRECT PLZ)

(thinking of adding original art to this IDK GIMME TIME)

prompt: you’re practicing archery and shoot alex, child of apollo, with a love arrow which leads to an accidental crush on you

no warnings! super cute and fluffy and romcom!!

________________________________________

part one ~

[listen at each star *]

it was a quiet spring morning. you were up and ready for your day and you decided that it would be perfect weather to practice your archery skills. you collected your materials and head off to your usual practice area.

you spruce up your target on the beautiful willow tree trunk in front of you and you begin.

you put your things out on your practice table in a neat manner. you play some of your “weird” non mythological music and begin.

**

you relax completely, hold up your bow and with a deep breath in, you let go.

plonk

“god.. that’s just terrible” you mumble to yourself as you spot the arrow almost a foot away from the practice board.

you draw back again and let go.

plonk

“no wonder i need the damn practice” you’re a bit annoyed seeing the arrow land in the grass at the base of the tree but continue to practice.

you draw back again, feeling a slight tingly vibration in your fingertips, and you knew this was a good sign. you were going to hit it right on the bullseye. the moment you begin to exhale, your music makes an odd doppler effect-like sound and it freaks you out a bit. you still absentmindedly let go of the arrow but don’t see where it landed.

“puta madre!”

a blood curdling shriek escapes you. you frantically try to hide from whoever it was that yelled.

a boy with dark hair came up from behind the willow tree and as soon as your eyes met, he holds both his hands up in defeat.

“don’t shoot, please!”

“dude, what the fuck are you doing here?! i almost had a heart attack! ew what’s wrong with your skin?” you made a face of disgust at him

“huh? look, i was just trying to find where that music was coming from and you shot me! like seriously, can you help me get this stupid arrow out of my ass?! god it’s like really deep in my butt meat”

“okay firstly, ew. secondly, ew.”

“im serious, can you give me a hand?” he pleaded, and as you approached him you noticed way too many things at once;

one: his skin was seriously looking freaky

two: he was a child of apollo, a sworn enemy of your eros parents

three: the arrow was really deep in his buttcheek

four: ….

“oh fuck me”

his skin was literally glowing. like… with love and junk.

you look down at the arrow you just removed from him and… oh no, how?!

you shot him with a love arrow. that’s just your luck, huh?

“hey… come here often sweetheart?” he smirked and you seriously had to choke down vomit

“really, that’s what you call flirting? you are such a little virgin boy”

“maybe you can change that” he holds your hand in his and pulls you in closer “maybe you want to put something else in my ass tonight besides that arrow” he smirked once again

you couldn’t believe the words he was saying to you.

you began laughing uncontrollably at his poor attempts at being suave and hot. you bent over laughing, you laughed so hard your abdomen was in absolute pain.

“see? i knew you’d come around, sexy lady” he pulled you up to be chest to chest with him

you quickly pushed him off and dried your tears from laughing so much.

“shut up dude, what even is your name? never mind, we need to get you a cure because i am definitely not going to deal with you and this… love crush thing” you began to collect your things in your backpack and you reached for the same arrow the raven haired menace did, as he was trying to help you.

“my name is alex… but you definitely have permission to call me papi” he said as your touching hands were intertwined in his and you quickly yanked your hand away

“blegh! you seriously need help, you creep! come on, we don’t have time to waste! our parents will absolutely kill us if they see us together” you yanked his arm to follow you and your head snapped at him as you heard a lewd moan come from alex.

“oh yeah, i love it when you’re rough baby” he moaned even louder and you plonked him in the head.

rolling your eyes, you continued to drag him to the only person who could help you out with no hesitation.

it took about fifteen agonizing minutes of walking to your friend thalia’s home as alex would not stop flirting with you and it wouldn’t be that bad of an issue but the dude had absolutely no game so it was just a lot of secondhand embarrassment you were dealing with.

you knocked on thalia’s door and prayed she was in.

thankfully, she opened the door a second later with a sweet smile,

“oh y/n! what a lovely surprise and… um excuse me what the actual frick is going on here??”

you pulled alex in and closed her door hurriedly.

“look man, i was practicing my archery right?”

“uh huh…” thalia replied

“because i simply suck balls at it right??”

“no you don’t darling! you’re a natural beauty and not to mention a talented one at that!” alex sighed, admiring you and inch from your face.

you shoved away his big head with your hand, and continued,

“and well… I SHOT THIS DUMBASS WITH A LOVE ARROW! PLEASE GIVE ME SOME KIND OF POTION THINGY TO FIX IT, PLEASE!” you beg thalia

“oh no! my honey is in distress! fear not, sweet maiden—”

thalia blows a green dust in his face and alex plops down on the ground like a sack of potatoes and he’s snoring away immediately.

“oh my god, thank you so so much! you don’t understand, he was literally like moaning all the way here and he calls that flirting?! he—”

“okay girl, do you need some eepy dust too?? just take a deep breath okay?”

you nod and calm down

“okay, as much as i know you need my help and as much as i want to help you, i can’t. we literally just ran out of the potion for that yesterday and i can’t make any new batches because im missing the main ingredient”

“well that’s okay! tell me where to get it and i’ll go right now and we can fix this whole mess and get rid of the buffoon!”

“no y/n, you don’t understand… the ingredient we need isn’t something you can just go get…”

you looked at her with a really confused face

“the ingredient is uh… spider legs, really weird i know! but you know the all mighty zeus, my pops, yeah he’s not as big and bad as he seems. he’s actually terrified of spiders so he banned them here in our world and i don’t get any spiders in stock until christmas because that’s the only time i can get my guy out here and… yeah”

“are you serious? god damn your dad and his arachnophobia..” i pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration

“yeah well, it’s either wait eight months for this potion or… get your father to undo the love spell”

i sigh and put my head down in my hands, feeling really defeated. what the hell do i do now?

“well… on the bright side, that dust i used on him will have some good effects when used alongside a love spell” thalia offers and you perk up

“wait really?? is he going to stop being so creepy with me?”

“well, maybe? it differs from person to person. but i do know that it most likely will make him act more in tune with his regular personality when he’s into someone, if that helps?” she smiled nervously

“let’s just hope he stops moaning every time i touch him” i say hopefully

“so.. you should probably try telling your dad. it was all a huge accident and i don’t think he’s going to be too upset. yeah he’ll probably give you the old ‘you need to be more responsible’ speech thing but im sure he’ll help you… unless he punishes you by not helping” thalia laughs deviously at the idea

“well thanks anyways, man. also, how long til he wakes up?” you ask, pointing at alex on the floor

“oh, one sec” thalia moves closer to him and kicks him in the balls

alex immediately shoots his eyes open and groans in pain

you look at thalia and the two of you laugh together.

thalia hands alex a pain reliever lollipop as a parting gift and you say your goodbyes to one another.

now it’s just you and alex.. and you were nervous about the way he was going to act with you.

“hey.. i uh, im really sorry about the way i was acting earlier. i seriously was acting super virgin-esque huh? i kinda heard everything you guys were saying even though i was asleep and yeah… but hey, at least now i’m not moaning at you like a harlot right now?” he laughed softly

“that’s so embarrassing that you heard us… but hey, at least you’re somewhat normal again?” you asked and offered him a smile

“i uh.. i never even asked for your name”

“oh, its y/n” you reply in a quiet voice

“that’s a really beautiful name… did i ever mention what my powers were?”

“no actually, you didn’t” you shook your head

“well, can i borrow your bow?” he asks sheepishly

you hesitantly nod and hand him your bow and a normal arrow

he places the arrow in its rightful position and comes up behind you. he’s still holding onto it as he places it in your hands. his arms are completely around you and his head is right next to yours.

“okay, relax. now, you see that small red flag thing on the tree over there? imagine the arrow landing right in the middle. take a deep breath” his hands were atop yours as he pulled the bow back and he whispered almost seductively,

“let go”

you both let the arrow go and it shoots right where you imagined it to. you gulped at how close he was to you. he smelled of pine and cinnamon. it was wonderful..

“you just needed a little push.. you did great y/n” he said in a low voice, still holding onto your hands on the bow

why did you want to lean in and kiss him?

wait, what?!

you immediately pulled away, putting as much space between the two of you as possible.

“y-yeah.. um thank you alex. should we keep going now?” you ask, unable to make eye contact with him

“whatever you’d like to do y/n. i’m honestly just enjoying your presence right now. it almost feels like it’s just you and me here, doesn’t it?”

you didnt know what to say. you agreed completely. you wanted nothing more than to waste your time with alex and his handsome smile and his sweet way with words and—

“y/n? can i show you my other power?” her broke the scary thoughts you were having

“sure”

**

alex began to sing the same song in was listening to earlier, without missing a single beat. how did he even know this song?

he took your hand and sung his heart out to you. you felt a swarm of butterflies flutter at the pit of your stomach. it feels like you were the one that got a love arrow stuck in your butt.

“your voice is beautiful… how do you know that song?” you asked, continuing to walk alongside alex

“well, i heard it a long time ago. sometimes i can hear it in my dreams, too. it’s not music we can listen to here, it’s mortal music i think. how do you know it?” he asked curiously

“i’ve always had an interest in mortal music.. i was actually playing that song this morning when the whole incident happened, i think you may have interfered with the sound waves when you were trying to find where it was coming from”

“that’s right… i guess this is our song then, huh?” he stated, grabbing me gently by the arm as we stopped in our tracks

“yeah, i guess so” your face was gently raised up by alex’s fingertips, forcing you to look into his entrancing brown eyes

“y/n, are you sure you’re not a siren?” alex whispered, his lips practically touching your lips

“w-what?..”

“it feels like you’re luring me to my sweet demise.. and what’s a death sentence without me being given a last meal? please, let me taste your lips before you take my soul away. it would make me feel oh so complete in this bittersweet end” he claimed proudly

with a flutter of your eyes, you shut them softly and gently press your lips against his

you feel his arms wrap around you in a tight but gentle way, and you reciprocated by holding his torso tightly

your hands grip his shirt tightly in fists as alex deepens the kiss, a small whimper leaving his soon to be bruised lips

alex pulls away and says softly,

“i can die a happy man now, y/n”

you had no idea what just happened or how it happened or even why you let it happen???

there was just something about him that lured you in. you wanted to take him in in every way possible, because to consume him would mean to be one.

god, what the hell were you even thinking?

[TO BE CONTINUED]

[solomons-poison]

my mind is going in circles right now

okok whats ur opinion on ex hubby sol and mephisto

i always type sol btw because it’s awkward writing his full name (dk whyy)

with mephisto there would be angst potential, maybe he let his pride get in his way and ended up hurting you along with his pride, he doesnt rlly believe in ‘divorce’ so he’ll try to act like nothing is wrong but inside of him its killing him, hes in denial, disbelief of himself and the whole situation

with sol i cant rlly imagine divorcing him (maybe bc im biased with him) but for the sake of this, there would be so much angst potential like so much, the first human in a very very long time he had deeply loved until it was all shattered by his own hands

jskajskaakao

Ohhhhhhh yes ex-husband angst, it just hurts so good.... (Sol is under the cut, this just got very long lol; also unintentionally wrote this as reader suggesting the divorce, cause both guys seem like ride-or-die with their partners to me and I cant see them bringing it up without good cause...)

Divorcing Mephisto would absolutely be so dramatic and very painful. He's either going to explode on you, yelling and gesturing wildly and maybe even making baseless accusations against you (that he will 100% regret later and you'll never forget what he said). Or he'll suddenly get unnaturally quiet/ignore or avoid you. Even if you need to get documents signed or need to talk about how to break up assets, etc, he avoids you at all costs. The only thing that might turn him around is if people start rumors about you or your relationship (or lack thereof), because he still cares about you and doesn't want your name slandered like that by others.

He'll definitely be in denial for a while, and hurt you that way by saying things like "you don't mean it/want this", "just give it some time and you'll see you're wrong". He absolutely won't listen to you until you have to get a third party involved that he can't ignore, like Diavolo. It is a super messy affair...

There would be so much tension between you two, and if the divorce is for anything other than falling out of love, I can bet there'd be a lot of instances of angry sudden makeout sessions or breakup sex tbh. If you're not careful, you might get stuck in a cycle of hookups/dating again and then sudden breakup.

—

Now, divorcing Solomon... He definitely isn't explosive like Mephisto would be. I can see him being very quiet about the whole ordeal, but the pain and sadness is so evident in his eyes. His smiles afterwards are all strained and forced. Cause you know that you were the light in his life, the color in his world that he had initially lost after becoming immortal.

I think initially, you two would come to an understanding about the divorce, it would be a mutual agreement with little argument or fights. But he will ask for some time to think about things beforehand (meaning time for you to think about it too). And don't get him wrong, he is absolutely upset about the whole ordeal. But it's not your fault that you feel the way you do, you have a right to be happy and he wants to support that. But it's definitely painful to him.

I think even after becoming a full fledged sorcerer, you two would still have a kind of mentor-student relationship since he's so knowledgeable about spells and magic. So during/after the divorce, he may want to stop teaching you because being in close quarters with you is too much to stand. As much as he wants to be by your side, it's so bad for his own mental health and he'll put distance between you two.

—

Like I said, these are kind of focused on reader wanting the divorce, for whatever reasons, just cause I can't really see either Mephisto or Solomon ever wanting to divorce, they'd try everything to make things right again. But if you have thoughts about it going the other way, I'm very interested. Sorry for the word vomit, I've been really into the ex-husband angst vibe recently and it's so bad for me lol

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

me thinks, just maybe, you should totally share your fab four characters hcs (specifically ones ab their appearances) 😇 also i just rlly love headcanons

GDJGHJGDJHD THIS IS SO FUNNY I LITERALLY HAVE LIKE. WRITTEN IN MY NOTES APP ALL MY MAIN APPEARANCE HEADCANONS AND STUFF AND I WAS GONNA SEND YOU SCREENSHOTS EARLIER BUT I TOTALLY FORGOT GHGHDHGD so anyways im just gonna copy/paste my word vomit (plus added commentary as i reread this) here lmao

(also just a quick little thing, i have far too many hcs for these fucks, some of which contradict each other bc it kind of depends on what setting/story im thinking about these characters in. things like gender and pronouns change a lot too, so im not even gonna try and catalog all that shit. just know they are all Gay and Trans and only party has "consistent" pronouns bc they always use they/them, but i might add others in if im feeling spicy. the lack of canon material is absolutely wonderful for my creativity, so this is just like. a collection of the things that remain the same across the majority of my mental images of them lol)

Jet Star: no surprise here, his hair is very textured! so many curls!! i see the curls as a bit looser, not super tight or packed together but still like, well defined yknow? i envision him with fairly dark skin as well and, playing into the whole star/space association i have w/ him, i feel like he absolutely loves body glitter and, like, sparkly eyeshadows and shit (he doesn't wear it *all* the time but he'll put it on for a party or something and then just let it rub off over time. needless to say, there is glitter fucking all over his room). also, he fucking LOVES jewelry! just wears SO many bracelets and necklaces and shit (more bracelets than necklaces but there's still a lot of both). this was more of a ttid specific thing, but i think ive gotten so used to imaging him with a huge fucking scar on/around his neck, that its sort of bled into my regular interpretations of him so that's there as well! also, he wears an eyepatch PURELY as an aesthetic thing bc he thinks it makes him look cool and it switches eyes constantly but he denies that fact whenever people point it out! (that is until he actually *does* get his eye fucked up. some exterminator noticed how the patch's location would change, thought it would be funny to give it a permanet placement).

Party Poison: SO MANY FUCKING TATTOOS I'VE WRITTEN A POST ABT THIS AND I COULD HONESTLY WRITE A WHOLE FIC ABT IT I JUST- THEM. INK. COLORS. FUCK. love the idea of them with long hair, too. they usually keep it shaggy and just a *tad* bit longer than shoulder length, but i feel like they'd only cut it when they're in jusssst the right mood so it'll tend to grow out for months, get really long and start to reach their mid back, and then they'll get annoyed and finally chop a shit ton off when they're bored at like 4 am. also, this has nothing to do with appearances but they get fucking terrible and frequent migraines, purely because i get terrible and frequent migraines my only hobby is projecting my problems onto these gay fucks :D (also could so write a fic abt that and how it effected them it the city/their conflicting feelings about taking pills to help with the pain once they get out to the zones... hmmm...) the fucker also has sharp as hell teeth! canine especially! idk why they just do. kobra does to (snake siblings go brrr) but party's are noticed more often because they tend to talk a lot more/loudly and smile wider than kobra so people notice it on them more. im also a big fucking fan of android party so sometimes they are robot to me :) if they aren't robot, then they usually have some type of prosthetic limb in my brain (usually an arm idk why and idk if that's gonna be in ttid but yknow. we ball). they also really like lipstick, and they've got a large collection of practically every color imaginable

The Kobra Kid: okay so like i said before, sharp teeth! snake boy's got fangs!! he's also got heterochromia (ooo city trauma from being Different time!! there was definetly talk of surgeries to "correct" his eyes when he was younger and it was becoming more noticeable, but party always fought the adults on it, said he was too young, it would be too expensive, shit like that. worst came to worst, they'd get into some trouble to distract from the issue for a bit). anyways, i think the kid's naturally blonde, but not *that* blonde, yknow? like he gets out to the desert an the sun makes it a bit lighter and he falls in love with the idea of it being fucking BLONDE blonde, so he totally steals party's leftover bleach and just fried the absolute shit out of it. also, fuck it, i only thought of this just now but im incorporating it into everything ever; he dyes a streak in the front the same red as poison. (i like the idea that joys close to each other will dye their hair the others favorite color or the color that they have their hair as. and they're brothers!!! he loves his sibling!!!! he gets a re streak fuck you i can do what i want :]) uhhh other kobra things, oh! the world is a bright, bright place, and my man wears sunglasses constantly, even indoors, to Cope (again. projecting.) and yeah maybe he wears them too so he's harder to read/looks more badass, but really its just bc it fucking bright out man. OH AND PIERCINGS FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THE PIERCINGS HE'S GOT SO MANY MOSTLY IN THE EARS BUT EYEBROW AND SEPTUM TOO AND OF FUCKING *COURSE* MY MAN HAS SNAKEBITES FUCK (one again might be projecting here but i love piercings and he'd look cool with them so he has them) also just thought of this but his nose is Fucked Up omg he gets punched in the face so much

Fun Ghoul: Scar :] he makes the most animated facial expressions too, and he's got these big fucking bright green eyes, and all that combines with the scar kind of freaks people out and he fucking LOVES it! he laughs at literally everything, too, especially when he's feeling nervous or super energetic. his adrenaline gets pumping and he's just cackling like a hyena. anyways, his hair is so fucking dark like *inky* black, and he's never heard of a shower a day in his life so my guy is greasy as all FUCK. his hair is just so fucking shiny and stringy and jet absolutely yells at him constantly trying to get him to WASH HIS FUCKING HAIR. it's longer than poison's, but not by a lot, and he ties it back a lot especially when he's working on projects and shit. he's cut it if he didn't hate it so much when it's short. his skin tone's also like a medium dark-ish, and i think he has a few tattoos but not nearly as many as party (his are all like super meaningful and related to like, late crew members or phoenix witch/religious things or mementos of super important moments in his life. (part of him hopes that, if the battery ever does get him and they steal his mind and memories away, the ink in his skin will help him remember who he truly is). he's got a lot of burn scars too (bombs and shit)!! not most aren't super severe, but they're visible in a lot of spots. he thinks it looks cool. fucker not only paints his nails, but he paints everyone else's too whether or not they're aware of it at them time (he gets bored and does it while they're sleeping lmao. party loves it, kobra's indifferent, jet pretends to get pissed off bc it makes ghoul laugh but really he thinks its sweet). also a fan of him with prosthetic limbs but i haven't really thought about that all too much yet.

[qualityrain]

ive heard of honkai impact but i never really got a look at the actual game itself whats your favorite guy like??? how do they work with the plot?? love you bye<3

there is sO much to say and absolutely nothing at the same time

this isnt going to be coherent at all

whats your favorite guy like???

this is going to be very inaccurate because at this point i cant tell what is canon or not + rlly disorganised

tbh. like a generic emo guy. a family guy. ride or die. his love language is dying for you. actually really chill??? and like kind of straightforward (at least to one of the main characters in the game. whether it is for plot or an actual character trait nobody knows) shows no emotion whatsoever(never explained). will kind of crack jokes. highly efficient, won’t do more things than necessary(this is definitely canon). hasnt slept well in like 10 years (vibe). takes promises really seriously. the i owe you and i WILL pay you back guy. he’s an older brother. has STRONG annoying little brother energy with another character that is literally my favourite dynamic in this entire game with 5mins of screentime together. a piece of shit. will talk stupid shit to lighten up the situation. he will do anything for his goals(probably). this guy definitely has trauma and mhy wont ever address it and he’s repressing it like crazy. like has this dude ever processed the whole i almost fucking died and everybody i love is dead thing properly yet. i could tell you his height but not his birthday. its 173cm. i refuse to believe he’s taller than 170cm. there’s probably more but i don’t know what else to say. this guy’s barely a character in the game, there’s absolutely no depth at all. all i have are vibes and my brain ran with it and now this guy has been in my head for 2 years now.

how do they work with the plot??

short answer: they don’t.

long answer: his role in the plot is to parallel another main character(mei) and it is done so so so soooooooo poorly. he appears in one (1) arc in the game and appears in 2 chapters and its imo the worst arc in the entire game and its almost irrelevant and every new chapter that gets added makes me wish more and more that this arc doesn’t exist. I genuinely do not know why this parallel needed to exist like. why? why do we need this parallel to see the main characters with an outside perspective?? there’s probably a reason its just this arc is terrible. they couldnt even get meis arc right in this arc like its sO BAD.

mei has this whole ass scene where she just accepts having to kill this guy!! my fave!! the blorbo!! shes like oh i cant hesitate anymore i have to do this for my girlfriend(basically)!!! AND THEN SHE HESITATES AGAIN AND DOESNT KILL HIM AND IM SO SO UPSET AND ANGRY BECAUSE WHATS THE POINT. she has this whole moral dilemma of ohh noo if i kill this guy its like im a hypocrite or smth cos im doing the same as this guy but i gotta to protect somebody i care about!! for this arc and then SHE DOESNT KILL HIM. he dies another way!!! resolving to kill somebody is not the same as actually doing it!! im so upset abt this because its so. whats the point of the whole scene where mei literally collects herself to strengthen her resolve to not hesitate and kill this guy and shes like oop i guess i wont!

im going to be real i try to forget as much as i can from this arc because i hate it and its probably all wrong and inaccurate but i still hate it to bits and i wish mhy wasnt scared to make mei commit murder

this isnt proof read at all this is a word vomit ive spent over half an hour on this and 3 days thinking abt this. there are definitely things i wanted to add and forgot almost immediately.

thanks for the ask!! 🫶🫶🫶

[laterdawns]

6 for the aro asks and for the free space just talk about aplatonic stuff i wanna hear!

I answered both 6s on the arospec 1 & the aromantic asks. Just incase

How do you feel about general intimacy? (Kissing, cuddling, etc)

It depends on a lot of things!! But in general i have a very neutral, but negative opinion on it. If that makes sense.

I am very touch repulsed. People touching me makes me wanna cry & vomit & i really, really dont like it. So the concept of hugging or cuddling or holding hands makes me want 2 explode.

The concept of kissing or making out is even worse. It sounds gross

HOWEVER, if im really close 2 someone like a family member or a friend, I'm somewhat more comfortable w/ intimacy.

Like i have a rlly close friend (4 more than 2 yrs i think i dont rmbr when we bcame friends) that i fantasise abt kissing & cuddling often. W/ my big brother i feel very comfortable hugging & cuddling him. & while i dont like hugging or cuddling my little brother, i'm much more comfortable w/ him touching me than a not-so-close friend.

Though. If my little brother just casually sits beside me & touches me, I'm more comfortable w/ that than if he were 2 do it on purpose.

ALSO. I'm more comfortable w/ the concept of kissing a friend than a romantic partner. I like the concept of hanging out w/ a romantic partner rather than going on romantic dates

I have . Weird rules abt intimacy .

Have you ever wanted a penpal?

No, im aplatonic! <3 NAAHDKNDJD

OK aplatonic is the lack of platonic attraction or little 2 no platonic attraction. I very recently found out im aplatonic so its a new learning experience 2 figure out how i feel & learning abt how this affects me & stuff !!

1 thing I have noticed is im... idk the word. Im really um um um judgemental (?) of ME being aplatonic.

I keep finding myself like... saying "i dont experience platonic attraction BUT i still like my friends!" Or like. "BUT i appreciate you (assuming im talking 2 a friend) as a friend!" & i REALLY dont like it. I dont wanna have 2.. reassure the ppl around me. It feels the same as when i was dating my abusive ex & kept having 2 reassure her that, despite being polyamorous, i wasnt going 2 cheat on her or when talking sbt aromanticism, ppl will go "but they still love our friends & family!" Or whatever.

The thing is: i dont want friends. Im fine w/ the friends I have, & if some of them stopped being my friends, i'd probay get upset, but im perfectly fine w/ not having friends. I don't want anymore friends & I wouldn't mind... never having friends! And thats ok :)

I rlly struggle 2 make friends due 2 my autism & its hard 2 keep friends due 2 my cfs/me. I cant mask well & its hard 2 relate 2 ppl & then its hard 2 hang out w/ my friends & do things w/ them bcuz im 2 disabled 2 do it. Finding the term aplatonic means a lot 2 me bcuz its helping me feel a little more comfortable w/ that struggle. & i recognise that im not a bad person 4 not wanting friends or OH MY FUCKING GOD DID MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE RELEASE NEW MUSIC HOLY SHIT HOLD ON

[nnatsume]

omg if you had more rei + undead! so hcs that would be rlly swell!! maybe paired promotions? or if their relationship was accid revealed?

a / n : GASP. CONTINUATIONS??? cracks knuckles im in. i’ve been having many thoughts since this came in.. ready to word vomit .. i’m a bit dissatisfied with the last part hnng but idk.. i rewrote it a couple times but i can't get it quite right. i hope it's enough!! (anon i’m sorry for asking but what does swell mean in this context scratches head)

♡ — previously : rei I ✦ keito ✦ chiaki ✦ kaoru

✦ – II. rei with a s/o in undead !

you’d have the right to have some suspicions when rei texts you in the middle of the night to announce that you were assigned to do some paired promotions. well, since he has such a good position, he might as well use the few advantages—rei himself orchestrated the paired promotions. isn’t he the best boyfriend? ♫

koga might have some things to say about it, but rei dismisses him with a pat on the head. he can’t afford disruptions—the time spent with you alone is much too precious. it doesn’t show too much, but really, he’s over the moon. the only conflict comes when he realizes that as much as he wants to show the world your true beauty, he also wants to keep those valorous moments to himself. “how unfortunate,”, he thinks, “it can’t be helped. as fast as the shadow runs, eventually, the light catches it.”

when he stands on the same set with you, he quickly forgets that reluctance. it’s easy for him to get lost in your charm. when the rest of undead is not on stage, and he has so much room—he finds himself risking a little more. not that he was tame before–but he lets loose completely. whispering into your ear, leaving lingering touches along your collar–when you scold him about it afterward, he just looks at you like an innocent, kicked puppy that didn’t do anything wrong.

“why did you do that?”, you asked.

“what are you referring to, exactly?”, he asked. by the slight raise of his lips, you knew that he absolutely knew what you were talking about.

you sighed, brushing along your throat as he did previously on set. his touch was still lingering, burning slightly on your skin. “this. ten minutes ago.”

his smile raised to his ears, and at that moment, you regretted it. it’s the face he makes when he finds a loophole. “do you want me to do it again? backstage?”, rei suggested, inching closer to you. “you’re brave, aren’t you? ku ku ku.. ♫”

that might be where he was mistaken—he does his utmost to conceal your relationship, really. but as said, eventually the light catches the shadow. when he finds that you’ve been uncovered, his first instinct is to seek you out and make sure you are safe. he insists that you stay with him for a while and you don’t go outside too much until the news blow over. he’ll handle it smoothly. well, it looks like he’s handling it smoothly, but he’s dying on the inside.

it can get a little boring—rei supplies you with all kinds of entertainment, offers his coffin to you to sleep the days away—there’s not much to do. he doesn’t want any harm done to you—he has others ran errands for a while. if there’s a way into trouble, there’s also a way out—but he can’t be dishonest to anyone. since he’s been reckless, he has to deal with the consequences. he also makes sure to supply you with extra affection during those hard times.

the others are supportive, and rei finds himself more grateful than ever. he thinks that your best option would probably be just to go out and admit it before anyone starts to pry into your business—you type up a speech together and hope for the best. you have rei on your side—you doubt that anyone would be able to withstand that charm of his. with a smile, he assures again that he won’t let anything happen to you.

[t0shii]

hq boys when you're feeling anxious or stressed

suna rintaro, hinata shoyo, oikawa toru x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety, reader comparing themselves to others, mentions of food & hunger, driving. this is like all fluff no angst rlly tbh.

SUNA RINTARO.

he could tell something was up but conviced himself he shouldnt pry as he had already asked you twice if you were feeling alright, to which you reasurred him with a "yep" both times, it was suspicious but he thought maybe you just wanted to be left alone. meanwhile you weren't sure why you lied him, you obviously were not doing okay at the moment. currently he was driving you home and your anxiety was going absolutely crazy from the amount of school work that was piling up on you, it's unfair you thought to yourself, looking out the window. not only were you stressed from work but trying to keep up with your friend was hard, to say the least. they were phenomenal students, straight As in their transcript and though your grades were just fine, you couldn't help but feel inferior and insecure. it's unfair how effortlessly smart they are and how i'll never be able to catch up.... oh boy if your thoughts weren't running wild before they definitely were now, you hadn't even realized your boyfriend pulling into your driveway until he slightly tapped your shoulder. "are you sure you're alright? i don't wanna pressure you ofcourse but, you know you can tell me anything right?" ... and there were the water works! the little string holding you together had snapped just like that. you sat there in the passengers seat sobbing into your hands and suna rintaro hadn't a clue what to do in the moment.

"give me just a sec" you heard him mumble but not before he gave you a kiss as light as a feather on the top of your head. somehow you didn't notice him exit the car and rush to your side until he opened your door and hugged you so tight you honestly couldn't breathe. after a few seconds your boyfriend let go of the embrace which, to his dismay, only made you cry even harder. now, he knew he was known for being quite... stoic but he was definitely panicking on the inside and it was really difficult to remain calm on the outside. your boyfriend carefully reached over you to unbuckle the seatbelt that you had yet to unclasp. "lets go inside baby." his voice was so gentle it would've taken you by surprise had you not still been crying. you nodded in response and he helped you carefully out of the car, holding your hand all the way to the door, "d'ya have your key?" you nodded trying your best to unlock the door, after a few struggled and shakey attempts you finally had your door unlocked but not without rins help because he couldn't bare to watch you struggle any longer.

stepping inside rin helped you take your shoes off, removing his own after, "bedroom?" having calmed down a little you whispered "yes," with a small nod. he nodded with you in response and took you to your bedroom. after helping you change into comfy clothes he helped you into bed, crawling in right behind you. your back was snug against his chest and he held you super tightly, it was silent for a few minutes until finally he spoke up, "please tell me how i can help" you could feel your lip quiver. "well... you don't have to say anything right now, you know i can wait. i'll even leave if you want, i just wanted you to know that you can tell me whenever you're ready and that i'll listen." neither of you were sure when you'd be ready to admit what had gotten you so upset but you felt comfortable knowing suna rintaro would be there whenever you were ready, whether it be minutes from now or even months.

HINATA SHOYO.

your silence on the walk home was starting to concern him.. maybe im just talking too much... he thought, "hey... im sorry if im talking your ear off.. how was your day angel?" to say he was disappointed with your response would be an understatement. not thar you HAD to talk but usually you were talkative with him and the worry in his tummy was only growing more. a simple, "oh.. my day was alright sho," simply woundn't cut it! "hey, are you feeling okay?" it was silent for a few seconds before you answered a mumbled "i think so, are you feeling alright, sho?" he simply nodded with a "mhm" and you told him to continue on with his story from earlier.

he complied but only to fill the silence. hinata decided to trust you when you said you were okay because you know your own feelings and he knows for a fact he's made it clear before that you could and should let him know if something was bothering you. though you enjoyed listening to hinata's stories you only found yourself getting lost in your own mind whilst he rambled on.you could tell he was suspicious of your behavior but was grateful he had left his curiosity behind because you were sure you would snap if he had asked you if you were okay again, you really didn't want to cry in front of him. truth is, your thoughts were running wild, stressing over the smallest things; assignments due at the end of the week, what you were gonna get your boyfriend for your anniversary, how you were gonna make time for your friends surprise birthday party and helping sho with his studied all the while trying to take care of your own self and keep your own grades afloat. "y/n..? we're at your house.. are you sure your alright? you look a little pale, are you ill?" crap! how had you not noticed you were approaching your own driveway you wanted to slap yourself for being so clueless. you couldn't help but feel horrible for not listening to your boyfriends story also.

"yes sho i'm fine really, i just didn't have time to eat lunch today but i have food inside so don't worry m'may?" he looked at you suspiciously and you knew he was onto you, "y'know y/n, i'm not gonna force you to tell me what's going on but just know i'll always be here for you, okay?" he gave you a small smile before engulfing you into a tight hug, it honestly melted your heart. surprisingly, you didn't start crying on the spot. "y'know, i wanted to trust you when you said you were okay but now i'm not so sure if you were telling the truth," he mumbled into your shoulder. you sighed, giving up the facade. "sho.... i just don't know what to do honestly, i have alot on my plate right now and i'm really stressed with all the responsibilities ive piled onto myself," you admitted. he nodded lifting his head from your shoulder, giving you the brightest smile, "well, i can always help out! i might not be the mooost helpful person ever but i'll try my best, and if anything i'm good moral support!" you giggled at that but suddenly you felt your lip quiver from the sudden guilt you feeling, "i'm sorry for lying to you sho-", "hey! its alright! you dont need to apologize. especially dont need you crying on me now!" he smiled cupping your face in his hands, wiping away a few stray tears of whom managed to escape.

OIKAWA TORU.

you smile back at him and thought of how silly it was that you tried keeping your feelings a secret from your boyfriend of two years, hinata shoyo, feeling glad that you confided in him. he knew you were upset as soon as he saw you that very morning, he could read you like and open book and you knew that fact very well. still though, you tried your best to hide yourself from him, though it was hard considering you sitting right next to him in the passenger seat of his car. finally after a whole day of being worried sick, he was tired of leaving things left unsaid "babyyyy," he sang for you from the kitchen, "please come here a sec!" he yelled for you louder. soon you came trudging down the hallway, blanket wrapped around your body, he couldn't help but smile at how adorable his s/o looked.

"c'mere quickly," he said will a grin, opening his arms for a hug, which you gladly accept, wrapping your arms around his waist tightly. "now, i know you know that i know that you're not feeling well, so please tell me what's got my angel so upset?" he said softly rubbing his hand lightly over your back, his voice a little muffled from his cheek being squished against the top of your head. you let out a breath you hadn't even realized you were holding, "'m sorry tooru, i don't know what's wrong with me today.... just not feeling well." you felt him nod against your head in response, "well good thing your amazing boyfriend is here to make you feel all better huh?" you let a out small giggle at that. "you know you can tell me when you're feeling down right? you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside", "i know tooru... im sorry, i just dont really know wbat i'm feeling so down about though," you admitted shyly. "hey that's okay! there absolutely no need to apologize for that, here, look at me, angel," he tilts your face so you're looking up at him, his big soft hands holding your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks lightly, "i'm here whenever you figure it out, hell, even if you dont figure it out or there just isn't any reason at all. you know i'm always, always, always here. i promise you that, m'kay?" he finishes his little speech with a smile, smothering your face in kisses. you could only feel relieved, thankful and loved. because you knew that you would always have your soulmate, oikawa toru by your side.

( a/n ; ahh so im sorry if this has any spelling or grammatical errors it's sort of late as i'm writing this! and im too lazy to proof read.... also it might just all be word vomit and if it is im so sorry 😩 ++ i'm positive ive kept the reader gn throughout the whole thing but if there are slip-ups i promise i'll do better next time! i rlly wanted to write some hq boys when ur feeling anxious and beyond stressed because i have been MEGA struggling with my own anxiety lately, especially bc of school so i just needed to let my feelings go! anywhooo i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day or night! ) p.s. im new to writing so be nice 2 me or whatever 😩🙄😌👍🏻

[theangryjikooker]

gosh i hate to further call attention to anon but my timeline is a mess despite my meticulous curation but something that genuinely irks me—to a degree that pushed me into sliding into your inbox, im sorry—is how these people completely ignore the existence of v and jimin’s relationship? im not bringing anything new to the table w this but it’s crazy that whoever between jm and v interacts with jk “”more”” is the reigning boyfriend but god forbid v and jm might have anything beyond <<Platonic>> Soulmates. and even if we took a step back from romantic shipping—this whole ship war whatever nEver takes into account v and jimin’s relationship. everything about them and their interactions are omitted. they dont exist beyond orbiting the center if this shitstorm: jk (to no fault of his). its not revolutionary but if we’re going off anon’s logic, it’s relevant.

im really weirded out by this one-minded, tunnel vision whatever the fuck (am i allowed to swear? apologies) thing going on thats growing Exponentially in this fandom (at present) that This interaction Equals This Conclusion, no exceptions. no action is inherently anything until the ppl involve make it something. vibing at a concert isnt inherently romantic. people kiss and fuck ppl they Dont have romantic feelings for. ppl are ppl and ppl do things. i know this is coming off rlly redundant bc shipping is part of fandom culture and things escalating is kind of,, inevitable,, but must the majority go out of their way to behave like children on the cusp of learning social norms and cues for the first time? its awfully pitiable.

sorry for the word vomit and thank you for the really well written response to anon. i genuinely really appreciated that.

Disclaimer: When I refer to Jkkrs/Tkkrs in a less than savory light, I’m exclusively talking about the batshit insane ones. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

--

Hi, anon!

Rambling is okay here and so is cursing! You would have to have the patience of a saint to not curse in this hellscape I hate so much to love (I only do this for Jikook, I swear).

I think the reason why Vmin gets pushed to the side is because they're not really a "threat," which is stupid as hell, because if anyone depicts a true sense of what love can look like, it's Vmin. I only wish I had been drawn to Vmin from the start because they're drama-free for the most part. And I think if there was any drama, it never gets quite so hostile. I wouldn't know for sure, but the Vmin fandom seems to be having a fantastic time minding their own business.

But that in itself says a lot, doesn't it? The common denominator is Jungkook, and there's an inherent, unsaid claim to him. He's kind of the reason why there's such an intensity with weirdo Jkkrs and Tkkrs. I'm not pointing fingers and I'm not saying this is a widespread case, but Jimin and Taehyung are convenient modes to self-insert. Fact of the matter is--and anyone can deny this all they want to kingdom come--but we know Jungkook is HOT HOT HOT, and his appearance has A LOT, if not everything, to do with why some Jkkrs and Tkkrs get so stabby about Jungkook looking like he's closer to Jimin or Taehyung.

Have you ever been in or seen a real love triangle play out in real life? That's all primal instincts at work; your animal brain will bare its teeth and not let you think yourself rationally out of it.

Vminkook is the formidable love triangle that never dies, with Jungkook stuck in the middle. I would have to enact a formal study to say anything with certainty, so take this WITH A GRAIN OF SALT (a.k.a. I'm talking out of my ass and I know it), but my hypothesis has always been that Jungkook is the object of everyone's collective affections, and one's preference for Taehyung or Jimin is dependent on how much you see yourself in them/how much you can relate to them. This could also work in reverse where Jungkook is the one you feel the most connection to, and Taehyung or Jimin are the ones that stir up those primal emotions in you.

The only difference between a sane vs. toxic shipper in this case, however, is how far they take it. Some people take things WAY too personally one way or another, which only cements my belief that something more psychological is in effect as opposed to it being purely for entertainment.

So... heh, sorry, got carried away there. But back to your point, the only reason why Vmin gets ignored is because Jungkook isn't involved.

[bigboobyhalo]

hi hello im really excited for the bbh villain arc and ive already infodumped for like an hour to my friends, so i would like to hear your thoughts on what direction it may go :)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU i love to infodump!! this will not be coherent at all and i will go on tangents but thats just what crimson arc does to the brain i suppose

honestly i have NO clue where bads villain arc is gonna go but i trust bad to take it in a cool direction!! bad is literally the PERFECT character to be a villain, considering how harmless everyone perceives him as. imagine being technoblade and your biggest threat is a guy who cant even say the f word. i rlly rlly wanna see more of bad being evil because its FUN!! he makes it FUN!!! ive wanted him to be evil for SO long (i had an entire thing written in my head abt the concept of bad pushing the button to blow up manberg, i knew it wouldnt happen but it was a fun concept) and hes EMBRACING it fully now and thats so cool!! like the badlands motives have been a bit amoral since the start, but now its just!! all the way!!! bads using his kind persona to his full advantage too!! and thats COOL!!! i think its all so cool!!! AND HIS ACTING WHEN HES DOING VILLAIN MOMENTS IS ALWAYS SO SICK? like he rlly sells the evil laughter and the villain monologues and can be genuinely SCARY and thats not only so so cool but also FUNNY because this is bad “guavas arent real” “whats doctor pepper in french” “vin diesels full name is vehicle identification number diesel” boyhalo we are talking about. like now i rlly wanna make a compilation which alternates between bbh clips where hes being all menacing and clips where hes talking to his dog like hes a middle aged woman.

ALSO i have so many ideas abt the ways skeppy could be involved in it and of course theyre all wishful thinking bc skeppy just doesnt FUCKIN roleplay but like i just think theres so MUCH there like... imagine all the drama and angst we could have with bad and skeppy fighting on opposite sides... i crave it. thinking about the crimson arc makes me just want to start writing things. lots of motivation lots of motivation.

my biggest hope thats actually like achievable tho? i want bad to say “i feel euphoric” at one point. the parllels. i would not be able to cope. i would simply pass away

anyway thank you again for giving me a chance to word vomit about how awesome the crimson arc/bads villain arc is

[wincore]

AGREEEE, WORKING OVER THE WEEKEND IS THE WORST esp since im in uni full time and i work 9-5 on the weekends which means... no breaks for me ever.. 🥲

MASSIVE CRUSH ON OIKAWA OMGGG I SUPPORT THIS!!!!! but i am unfortunately much older than 15 and still enamored by 2d men 😔 life’s rough like that HDJWKDJ YES ATSUMU CAUSES PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE.. HES THE WORST!! btw.. ive heard that the oikawa to atsumu stan pipeline is very real... so if u get to s4.. u may develop atsumu brain rot like me 👁_👁

OOO alright run on, extracurricular, vincenzo, true beauty, love alarm, & perfect crime. NOTED!! ive actually been meaning to watch extracurricular for a while now, it looks so interesting!! now that it has the wincore seal of approval i must watch 😤 OMGG SAKURADA DORI I SAW HIM IN ALICE IN BORDERLAND!! super good show but really gore heavy at some points 👁

ahh ok thank u for the reccs, ive been thinking about starting demon slayer too!! shoplifters sounds really interesting :oo crime??? i havent watched a full movie in a while so i will def check it out!! THESE R ALL GOING IN MY NOTES APP.

NEXT YEARRR omg it sounds far away but i know time passes so quickly nowadays so I WILL WISH U LUCK ONCE AGAIN 💛 i hope u update us when the time comes!!

UGHWHHD EVEN THIS SYNOPSIS IS MAKING ME MISS UR WRITING?!? I LOVE THE WAY U WORD IT... “given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear” AHHHHHHH omg “he’s in a relationship and doesn’t rlly care about the soulmate system” THIS IS ALWAYS SUCH A PAINFUL SCENARIO IN SOULMATE AUS PLSS!!! Wait is the soulmate of yn gonna be an oc/vague character or another member :O EITHER WAY... PAIN! THIS IS GETTING ME SO EXCITED AND U HAVENT EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT JAEHYUN’S LIKE IN THIS FIC YET

RUNWAY CHARACTER CAMEOOOS YESS I LOVE RUNWAY YN!!!! i actually reread it last night and ugh i was reminded how much i love yns personality... just the process of experiencing all tht self doubt with them!!! so real & makes u root for them :’)

“if jeno plays edward i need him to that apple scene like taemin did” WHHHHHWJDJJWJDBW THIS MADE ME CHOKE ON THE WATER I WAS DRINKING LMFAO

GODDDD THESE TROPE/MEMBER PAIRINGS, HARD AGREE HARD AGREE!!! HAECHAN AND RENJUN ARE E2L 100%!!!! i think bc the ppl in the bff2l category cant convincingly hate yn back LOL

“gets complimented on his lyricism often but like every song’s about you” STOPPPPP HES SO PERFDCT FOR THIS TROPE!!!!!

OMG I SEE EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN ABT SICHENG IN ROYALTY/CHAEBOL AUS... i think like u said it’s because of his poise & the way ppl are generally in awe of him but also bc of his reluctance to open up!! more reserved until he trusts u... funny and kind but sometimes perceived as aloof... those r some prince tendencies! “what are corporate businesses but modern day kingdoms” LMFAOOWJDJ SERIOUSLY THO

“mans really said i will not give you any onscreen idol personality to work with” HDJWJDJWJSJ LITERALLYYYY this is why i have trouble reading jaehyun fics sometimes bc sometimes they can feel “inaccurate” but its mostly just bc there’s no Standard Personality Stereotype to go off of. but a random & uncommon trope i think he’d pair well with is exes to lovers!! Yes im basically just a jaehyun + angst advocate.

“i think most of them would pair well with bff2l??” FACTTTTTTT and no im not just saying this bc its one of my favorite tropes.. heh... i think i told u this before?? but ur like the main reason i started enjoying e2l!!! i didnt like it before bc i love the PINING in bff2l but then i started reading ur works n was like OH SHIT! THERES LOADS OF PINING HERE TOO...

i think yangyang is not bff2l or e2l, he is in his own category which is Annoyer2Lover HDJWKDJ ex: troublemaker, wasted nights

OMGGGG I DID NOT EXPECT ROYALTY AU TO HAVE SUCH A LARGE LEAD IN THE SURVEY??? and cryptids is so low 😔😔 cmon guys, vampires r fun!!!

WE R LITERALLY WRITING ESSAYS TO EACH OTHER RN BUT I LOVE IT 🥺🥺 its a such a nice break to read ur response when im burnt out from studying!!

OMG IM GOING THROUGH #moonwrites AND IM LITERALLY AN IDIOTTTT IVE BEEN OFF TUMBLR FOR SO LONG I DIDNT REALIZE THAT ROMEO ROULETTE HAD A PREVIEW OUT????

“And I get what out of this?” “Me?” IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CHARACTERS PERSONALITY ALREADY LMFAOO

“—and when this whole game you’re playing is over, you’re going to say I rejected you.” ?!?!???? THE WAY JAEHYUN IS A LITTLE SHIT! THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE BOTH SO FUN PLSJWJDJEJ IM MORE EXCITED NOW!!

pls disregard the part in my last ask where i asked abt romeo roulette.... i had no idea all of the information i needed was sitting right in front of me 😔😔

- tata

WHAT 9 TO 5 ON EVERY WEEKEND???? the system has failed you this honestly feels like a villain origin story 😭 when does it get better???

ALSO let me answer the other asks separately for better readability lol we really out here writing essays GOOD THING i have practice writing but like. this is infinitely better to write 🥰

PLSSS SOMETIMES I WILL SEE AN EDIT/TIKTOK OF OIKAWA AND BE LIKE DAMN I REALLY NEED TO CATCH UP I MISS THIS MF also are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men bc i will do it without hesitation. wait till i watch hq again and get that atsumu brainrot with you he seems annoying enough for me to like ^_^

AND YES PLS I WAS SO ABSORBED IN IT!! extracurricular was the most gripping show i’ve watched in a while like yes enough teen romance give me two unhinged teenagers doing crime 🤩 AND OMG??? THAT’S WHERE WE SAW HIM TOO and although niragi was literally vomit-inducing human trash, sakurada dori is like. a good actor. except i hated coffee&vanilla which starred him it was literally so cringe i couldn’t 😭 i blame the writers for that though. IM EXCITED FOR S2 OF ALICE IN BORDERLAND THO i really like horror (and i can tolerate gore if ive been desensitized enough) and like i read the manga too!!! the games were really interesting (although morbid).

😭😭 MY NOTES APP IS FULL OF RECS FROM FRIENDS ALL OF THEM HATE ME FOR NOT WATCHING THE SHOWS BUT LIKE. i binge 3 or 4 at a time and strike them off and then go 6 months without watching a single tv series hhh.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I SURE WILL UPDATE !!! it’s so exciting to think about grad school sometimes :33

AHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT AND THE PREVIEW TOO SGSDJKDS there’s a few differences in the actual fic i think bc i changed up the language (and i dont remember what else bc i refuse to look at my writing) JAEHYUN RLLY IS A LITTLE SHIT he’ll be like hm yeah im pretty chill :) and then proceed to beat yn at her own game at times. (she wins mostly dw) the fact that i made her soulmate cha eunwoo like girl if i were you i’d crash their relationship 🥱 (jk) but like. jaehyun too is 🤩 despite being dry af

ASDKDSKDS YOU REREAD ALL (ALMOST) 19K WORDS ??? IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THAT FIC SM AAAAHHH IM FEELING LIKE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR 🥰 i loved runway yn too they were like boss attitude with 20% anxiety.

LOOK JENO BETTER BE PULLING MOVES LIKE THAT TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS 😤 if he hits himself in the forehead with the apple, bonus points bc that was true comedy (as invented by taemin)

AND YES. LIKE I KNOW MARK HATED DONGHYUCK SO MUCH HE WANTED TO LEAVE SM BUT LIKE HE’S TOO NICE WITH EVERYONE ELSE 😭😭😭 i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3

thinking about dejun getting rejected by a girl he wrote a song for. rip brother.

IM GLAD YOU PUT THAT INTO WORDS BC THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!! he’s got all of these regal qualities but he’s still human ykyk so it makes for the most amiable person on earth 😌 i love this characterization of him!!

oof exes to lovers with jaehyun... i had a similar idea a while ago (with theme song sincerity is scary by the 1975) that i discarded bc i don’t think i’m cut out to write that 😭 (YET) so i will keep this is mind. u r so right about jaehyun feeling inaccurate bc it’s like he’s very mild in personality onscreen sometimes?? so him having strong personality traits makes me go 🤔🤔 that man is overreacting. (jkjk but like you get the idea)

WAIT RLLY OMG BC OF ME???? i would never enjoy e2l irl bc irl dudes are 🤢🤢 and if they annoy me i will end them. but in fiction the mutual pining and initial disgust at yourself for liking the other??? helllooo 🤩🤩🤩 especially if it’s in a romcom style <3 bff2l is also better in fiction bc if the relationship doesnt work out irl and the person become uncomfortable with me i will just get annoyed jskshdl

LMAO YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT YANGYANG HE’S JUST THAT™ DUDE skgkhs he feels like someone fun to hang out with but he would annoy you the whole time. also he is cute 🥰

AND EXACTLY!!!! IM HAPPY FOR ROYALTY AUS BUT CMON. LOOK AT THOSE VAMPIRE TEETH. feel like media ruined vampires for people 😔 

THIS IS SUCH A NICE BREAK FROM STUDYING HONESTLY!!!! im like working on two semi-large projects AND studying course and out-of-course material simultaneously so my brain is a little fried. thank u for this 😘

[hellishvu]

Imagine BTS (maknae line): when they are inexperienced with luv

— this SHIT IS SO CUTE, TELL ME WHY IM CRYING but while i have a massive breakdown i also wanted to kinda experiment with texts/media in my imagines because they are rlly rlly fun to make!! also there is one sex joke in this, obviously it’s not meant to be taken serious just for a giggle.

Park Jimin: ˚✧₊⁎

Jimin had a mission, he bought the empty scrapbook and the obnoxious amount of crafting paper full of floral prints and poke a dots. The amount of glue on his hands when you two had a first, it was... uh annoying but the final product was always worth it.

Like that one time you two went on a date, for the first time. He pulled out his old dusty Polaroid camera that he bought on instinct. You squeezed his hand walking down the streets of his hometown. Pointing out things you’ve never knew were there, while Jimin took photos of you pointing them out seeing your bright smile. That page was filled of purple themes and the receipts of the snacks you two bought together.

Or like that one time when you kissed him on the side of the beach that you drove hours just to get to. Jimin dropped his camera when you pulled him close to you pressing your lips against his, slowly closing his eyes before wrapping his arms around you letting just one tear spill from his eyes. The page was filled of sea shells he got from the beach, the photos of the ocean waves and you posing with him as you took the photo.

There was a time when you made him a playlist of songs that reminded you of him, and dear god he cherished that playlist like it was the only playlist that existed in the world. The small giggles and the flustered Jimin as he heard lyrics. Since there wasn’t room on the page to fit in all the songs, he picked his favorite songs and the lyric that made his stomach fill with butterflies.

This scrapbook was a one time thing, he simply can’t imagine doing it for anyone else. You were his first and maybe this was creepy he thought. Just recording all of the memories together, maybe you thought he couldn’t live in the moment that he always had to record but that ended quickly when you sent him a video edit of you recording him. Jimin tears up when he recognized the song instantly, the one being on the playlist.

The videos were filled of kisses, whining from Jimin, him kissing your cheek, full of mukbang moments of him shoving his mouth before blushing when he saw you recording, and when you caught Jimin looking around vulnerable was the word to describe what he looked like. It was almost a month since you two started dating but there was already so many first’s.

Of course there were first’s that were a bit scary, like going to his concert for the first time. Holy shit the amount of people and you got special tickets to the front of the stage. Seeing so many people cheer on your boyfriend and the members, I mean he told you he was famous but not worldwide! The adventure of just buying a lightstick that Jimin said was important to get, so waiting in line for 3 hours to get a lightstick was just the beginning.

Of course Jimin said he would pay for everything you just needed to say the special word to the cashier and they will bill it to him. Of course you bought... all the available Jimin merch possible just to show your support to him.

After the concert you waited till you got escorted to the back of the stage seeing Jimin sweating, you gave him your water bottle seeing he needed it way more than you did. You pulled him into a hug being the most proud boyfriend in the entire universe. All of the members could see just by the little interactions that you two were made for each other. 

“Scrap booking will have to wait for tomorrow or the next few days till I can feel my legs again.” Jimin chuckled seeing your little Jimin fan and Jimin poster peeking out of your clear bag. Jimin widen his eyes seeing the legendary scrapbook in your bag, disguising it with a blanket.

“Thought you might want to take this with you while on tour.” You smiled giving it to him seeing him frown already missing you even though he hasn’t left.

Kim Taehyung: ˚✧₊⁎

Taehyung got the courage from many of his members to ask you out. He pulled you away for a second while you were on a break at work. You questioned what he was doing here because he hadn’t talked to you since forever.

The reason for the distance was because one night while you two were out, drinks were being shared and intoxication was a main part of the event. Next thing Taehyung knows he woke up next to you in shock. Taehyung did like you like... a lot but this wasn’t the way he wanted to confess to you while he vomited his guts out on the toilet seat. So he left and he thought you two ever being a couple was history now. Distancing himself even though all of his members told him to just talk to you but he ignored their advice till he saw you with another guy. In reality you two were just friends but Taehyung’s head was like a ping pong machines with the possibility of you and that guy.

“Taehyung what are you doing here?” You asked still having your cheesy work uniform. You could see the nervousness on his entire face and body posture. “Here we can go in the back if you want.” You pulling him behind your workplace to get some privacy. Taehyung paced around you making you dizzy trying to keep up with him.

“Okay, uh- You’re gorgeous. No. Wait I mean you are but that’s not what i’m trying to say.” Taehyung sighs covering his eyes feeling the heat rise up.

“I like you! I want to do all those couple things, I want to kiss you, I want to hug you all the time, and I want you to be my boyfriend.” Taehyung quickly releases all his built up feelings.

“Yeah I want that too.”

“And I know that like I left you on seen in life when we hooked u- Wait you feel the same?” Taehyung jumped up his poor heart bouncing all around.

“Yes, I’ve liked you since you brought me to your concert. I want to be your boyfriend.” Taehyung gasps out, remembering how long ago that was. You two were like jumping through hurdles, trying to see who would confess first.

“I can get someone to cover my shift if you want to go out and get some ramen.” You smiled. Taehyung nodding, you left to tell your boss while Taehyung was spamming the group chat of how he has a boyfriend finally.

“Well I got an okay! Let’s go even though I smell like smoothies and organic fruits.” You chuckled queuing for Taehyung to walk with you to your car.

You two walked in but before that you had to adjust your outfit and your hair wanting to look nicer for Taehyung since this is the first date. You and Taehyung sat a booth looking at each other. To strangers you two already looked like a couple for years rather than minutes. The waiter came around snapping both of you two out of luv world.

“Yes, I would like to order pho and for my boyfriend he would like ramen.” Taehyung said eyeing you, seeing your massive grin. You could get used to being showed off, maybe Taehyung already was the one, it felt like it in your soul.

Jeon Jungkook: ˚✧₊⁎

Jungkook finally got time in his schedule to have a sleepover at your house, Jungkook would love if you could meet the members but he felt that it was too early for you to meet them. He didn’t want to overwhelm you with meeting so many important people in his life. You were excited to have your very first sleepover with him, to be able to see him in a more vulnerable state was all you could think about.

The way you thought about him sleeping next to you, feeling his heartbeat when you pull him closer just so you can feel his body next to yours. You were his first boyfriend, just asking him out was an adventure itself because Jungkook spent much of his time conflicting with himself when he said yes then no... then back to yes. It was scary for Jungkook as dating anyone in general of gender he always questioned what would happen? I think he thought his sweaty hands, stuttering sentences, and blushing moments were just because he thought he wasn’t comfortable with you but that theory was shut down quickly because he knew he that was wrong.

Jungkook knocked on the door but you knew that someday Jungkook would just enter as he pleases being completely comfortable with you. You walked to the peephole to see Jungkook with his pajamas already on, but he hide himself with a black hoodie that was probably two size larger than regular. Seeing a massive army bag behind him that was the size of him.

You unlocked the door opening it to see Jungkook looking around before he noticed that you opened the door. Jungkook smiles widely walking in, giving you a hug. You had trouble hugging him back due to his bag that looked like he filled it with his entire house.

“What do you have in there Kook?” You asked making Jungkook look at the bag before setting it down on the ground, sitting on one of your armchairs basically opening the pandora’s box which would be his backpack.

“So I brought many things such as movies, clothes, snacks, and board games.” Jungkook pulling out each item showing it off before setting it down on the coffee table.

You had netflix but you didn’t tell him since he brought such a wide collection of anime love movies to horror movies. You smiled seeing the many changes of clothes wondering if he was going to spend more than one night with you.

“Wait board games?”

“Yeah! Like Jenga, Twister, and Life! I also brought pillows, blankets, and condoms-” You choked on the glass of water that you were drinking when Jungkook had mentioned the last part. Jungkook looked up in concern seeing you in a coughing fit.

“Condoms- Jungkook we- We’ve been dating for 2 weeks-” You said in between the coughs. Jungkook looking up wondering if this a thing couples do. Maybe you were his first romantic interest ever. I mean he told you, you are his first boyfriend but you never thought his first first romantic relationship.

“Yeah but I didn’t know when that comes to play.” Jungkook explained pulling out more boxes of condoms making your face heat up, trying to cover them. You felt exposed even though no one was in the room besides you two.

“Okay Kook, we aren’t going to do that tonight. You will know when the time is right, but just because we both are guys doesn’t mean we are going to go at like rabbits every second.” You explained to him holding his hand, you saw that he also heated up realizing that maybe he was jumping the gun with that. I mean he wasn’t forcing the intimate moment onto you he was just purely confused and you could tell just by his face. Jungkook learned that he was fine with kissing and holding hands, that is all he needed in his life. 

“Also why is there 6 boxes of them?!”

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

*clears throat* *pulls up powerpoint* *shuffles speaker notes*

okay kids strap in this is gonna be long probably. im gonna add a read more so hopefully that works, otherwise i am,,so sorry,,

w that lets begin

so. lets start w the basics

season 1: didnt like him. really didnt like him. i have Issues w suicide as a topic in general so when he baited midoriya he lost any fondness i couldve had towards him. then his actions durnig the battle training? hes a fcukin maniac. but i enjoyed learning more abt him as a character so whatever. i thought his confrontation w midoriya in the aftermath of that was,,interesting

season 2: still dont like him, but his eventual coming arnd during the final exam made me more open to him. also sports festival was,,,interesting, ig. i thought it was interesting how he wouldnt accept the win; if he was the same character he was in season 1, he wouldve taken it, i feel like. but he didnt. so hey, growth smwh

season 3: i thought i didnt like him, but then he got kidnapped and i got a case of the shakes(tm) until he was rescued. i rlly vibed w midoriya screaming and crying while he was kidnapped. cut to the provis license exam:

(excuse my crying abt aoyama lmao)(and also the fact that i used to call bakugou “bakugon” yes i know thats not his name yes i did that bc i didnt like him and i think im funny as shit). then,,,the scene. kacchan v. deku 2. uhh i was vibing w him honestly. hes a mood,,,regrettably,,,until he beat midoriya at least

season 4 (so far): pls stop yelling, regrettably relatable gremlin

now lets dive into what all that means huh

i dislike bakugou for the following reasons.

- suicide-baited midoriya. not only that, but he tormented him for years simply because he couldn’t get over his own private feelings; midoriya did nothing to deserve his scorn. literally nothing.

- beyond even that, is still a prick to most everyone he meets; he’s short and irritated and won’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt (at least not as first). 

- even now, he still has issues giving respect or even just being decent to both people he knows and people he doesn’t.

- speaking of, he has never ever apologized for his previous actions. not even after he finds out he’s wrong (like when midoriya tells him he never, ever, looked down on him). he hasnt even really apologized via action rather than words if you wanna try that route with me. he might be better than he was, but he refuses to acknowledge that he was ever wrong in the first place and thats not functional

- hes so focused on “winning” as a concept. it doesnt matter if youre supposed to be an ally to him; if he perceives you as being in his way, he’ll do his damnedest to fucking destroy you. he has few genuinely heroic qualities (not to say he has few good qualities, just few heroic ones); hes just strong and determined, but he’s a case study of how those qualities can be twisted as all fucking hell

- hes so proud. he is s o fucking proud. he has such an issue with pride that i cant fucking handle it sometimes man

i like bakugou for the following reasons.

- he has grown. he might not have said anything to anyone about it, but he has grown as a person since the series started

- he does have morals and he sticks to them. they might be basic things such as “dont be a villain” but theyre. something and he stands by them. hes not a slimy snake is what im saying

- hes funny. when he isnt actively bringing others down, i actually enjoy the screentime he has, bc its really funny, esp when he’s interacting w his friends and theyre having visible fun messing arnd w him

- this particular reason is hard to phrase so let me just. try and word vomit it correctly. i didnt expect him to be capable of blaming himself for smth like all might’s retirement. but he was and i,,,it adds layers to his character that i appreciate a lot. so its not that i like that he feels guilty abt it, but what it means for his character

- his interactions with kirishima. its proof that he’s learning how to be better, slowly but surely, and how to care about others properly. its sweet, genuinely and wholeheartedly

- hes not always rewarded by the narrative, and that makes him much more human to me, which i really appreciate. the biggest example i can think of is that he didn’t pass his provisional license exam on the first try. i think he’s gonna have a low point eventually, but hopefully, from there, he tries to build his way out into a better life as a better person

yeah

its just...very complex. he reminds me of myself, or at least a person i used to be. he actually reminds me of a couple combinations of ppl i used to be; just like bakugou, ive had smth similar to both a superiority and an inferiority complex in the past so its djkfjkdjnk,,,regrettably relateable,,,,,,not at the same time like he does but yknow the feeligns and how they clash are still there

but yeah. its bc he reminds me of myself i both hate him and like him.

like he reminds me of aspects abt myself i h a t e. i have issues w pride, i used to be a huge jerk (not to the degree he was, thank god, but i have a conscious now so when im reminded of how i used to be in like elementary school, i feel ashamed and since bakugou hasnt fucking,,,acknowledged,,the abuse he put midoriya through yet,,i get angry with him)

and the one guilt episode we saw him have reminded me of a very dark time in my life (2016) and its just. oh no. so thats where the anger fizzles out because i cant hate that more than i just feel pity abt it

in contrast, its bc he reminds me of things i hate abt myself that i have high hopes for him. i crawled out of the hole i was in; i made it through the stages of being a prick and then being thrust into a guilt-induced depression. im certainly not a good person, but im much better than i was

so just,,im already proof that ppl can change, but,,,,if i had a character to cling to when doubt came creeping in, i think that wouldve be great. i know im not the only one that feels like this. if bakugou can make the right turnaround, i think he could mean a lot to a bunch of people, me included

obviously the turnaround would have to be done right (and he better fucking beg for midoriya’s forgiveness) but i have hope that it can be

he has a long way to go, both in action and in word. but i am hopeful for his development. he reminds me of many things i hate about myself, but also to push on despite those things. my feelings about him are complicated due to that

yea. heres my book report sir djknkjnsknfjkn

[herbprince]

tw/// WORD VOMIT, OVERSHARING (i talked a lot using binary gender terms and am possibly experiencing internalised homophobia, also talked about porn, referred to myself as a lesbian for a sec but i caught myself, possible self-deprivation idk i hate myself) so...uhh...this is my boyfriend. he's super sweet and cares about me and he's my best friend. but, it's kinda weird for me. i've struggling with my sexuality lately so this is gonna be a like rant post but also look at my boi, isn't he cute??? i have never really genuinely had feelings for 'boys'. like it's only been sexual (meaning me secretly watching gay porn and not telling anyone about it) but like i don't think i'd marry a 'man'. those are thoughts i've had ever since i came out as lesbian. i was very adamant about being attracted to 'women'. if anyone would make a joke about me liking 'men' (like in a family situation sometimes i used to hear 'your husband is going to be so lucky to have you' or 'gay? i thought you were in love with justin bieber?' nope. ew. never a penis ever. during the two years i attended high school, i really started to get to know myself. i knew i liked 'girls' and i had also realised i'm a boy and that was like cool for a bit. eventually i was able to come out to my family and everyone's on board and i'm definitely transitioning which is all i've wanted since i was 15. realising i was a boy and getting everyone to respect pronouns really gave me a lot of confidence. i mean i still hate myself but at least i hate myself as my genuine self and not hating my genuine self but also hating my self for 'living a lie' identifying as female. i've been comfortable with my voice (still pre-t) and being seen in public without internally constantly being like 'you look like a lesbian, you inferior pig/everyone sees you as 'female' but like one of the biggest things i've noticed is that i'm more comfortable painting my nails and wearing makeup which is something i wouldn't even feel comfortable doing as a lesbian. coming out as trans has made me feel more like myself and a little more confident. but i feel a lot more comfortable with people assuming i'm a gay boy (and as of recent being a gay boy) than being an open lesbian (/closeted transkid) and having anyone be aware that im looking up cute lil twink boys. like no one would believe me if i told them i was fantasising about topping a cute twink. i would be like accused for being a straight girl and lying about it (my mum did this to me). i'm honestly just super gay and will only watch homosexual videos (idk if there's nb porn id love to see it but i also don't want nb people to become fetishised.) so after all that shpeal, here comes my point. when i was identifying as lesbian, no one could ever know i watched twink porn. like if someone like made a joke about me liking 'men' i go into defensive mode and be like 'i don't like dick. dick is fucking disgusting. what gives you the audacity to even assume that?' liking dick was something i was not about or generally interested in. but now, i couldn't confidently tell you that i don't like 'men'. i still haven't experienced any genuine feelings for cis 'men', in fact, i despise them (or like i might have a 'type' for cis guys i can tolerate.) i know i could care less about anyone's genitalia as long they keep them clean. trans 'women' are 'women' regardless of gentalia. i also know that i am very attracted to gender non conforming people and some of those individuals have penises. so it's not like i can't tolerate a penis. my problem is that my brain is also trying to justify that dating 'him' is okay because he's afab and nonbinary. but like i know none of that makes a difference because his gender identity is valid and his that i cannot change. and i know that people are gay, and trans people don't always identify as hetero (me being one of them) and there are rlly cute gay trans guys out there, but like my brain just can't apply it. like it's cool for everyone else to do that but like my brain says i'm not allowed and punishes me. i know i love him regardless of his gender or his genitals. i love him cos he's the only person who hasn't abused me (knock on wood) and he treats me like a valid human being and he's just the most wonderful boi....i just.... why is me being attracted to a boy giving me immense anxiety and crashing my brain? like why can't i just be okay with this? i'd be totally supportive of anyone else...so like why do i feel like i'm in trouble or like i'm doing something wrong? why isn't it okay for me to have a boyfriend? i literally identify as queer romantically and like am always aware that it could happen but like why do i feel this way? i've been given the amazing privelege of having a positive influence and someone who supports me in almost everything (obviously not harmful decisions) and couldn't have asked for a sweeter boyfriend. WHY WON'T MY BRAIN JUST LET ME HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE I CAN LOVE THEM AND NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT? i mean i'm still immensely fearing abandonment and am terrified but i love him very dearly and would never dream of hurting him. why can't i just feel normal about this? it would make me happier if i could believe he loved me and didnt have an existential crisis thinking about him leaving. why do i make everything problematic? why can't i just be fully aware that gay is okay, transmen can be gay, trans people can date other transpeople, sexuality is fluid. also, it's not like i fully identify as male, i am very much nonbinary as well. so like idk why im freaking out about being gay when we both use he/they pronouns, cos i'm simultaneously gay with him in a nonbinary way. i just am so overwhelmed and am stuck in a very binary mindset. I GENUINELY IDENTIFY AS QUEER AND IT JUST DOESN'T SINK IN THAT I AM ALLOWED TO LIKE BOYS IF IT HAPPENS AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. - i feel like a really bad member of the lgbtqia* community. the gay community was a safehaven for me when i had no one and my brain is filled with these thoughts i would never condone. im very disappointed in myself for even being able to have thoughts like that. i feel like a terrible queer. - it's funny cos like i love him a lot and it's scrambling my brain but if i developed feelings for a cis guy i would probably lose all of my marbles cos i have a strong aversion to hetero cis males and that is something i genuinely can't imagine. if i ever did i'm sure i wouldn't be able to recognise myself. i just wouldn't feel like me. i'm very grateful for him and i hope i can get my shit together before i scare him off. - (this part is for me) **deep breath** kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys.

[amxxrawrites-blog]

Life Imitates Art - a short story

Ian

 My heart does somersaults in my chest when I hear my phone’s gentle ping. It’s a message from her. I unlock my screen and am greeted with her selfie. Despite it being a still image, I can see the mischievous twinkle in her brown eyes, I can feel the softness of her pink cheeks, and I can smell the sweet scent of her dark hair. She’s the epitome of the perfect girl. I still can’t believe I’m on my way to meet her for the very first time.

 nadra_02: hey cutie

its_ian_00: hey back

nadra_02: did u know nadra is a rlly common name in Russia? don’t fact check that!

its_ian_00: haha no i did not. but what i do know fossure is that not all nadras are as gorgeous as u

nadra_02: okay smooth talker, now i rlly cant wait to see u! where r u?

its_ian_00: will be there as soon as u can say “facebook”

nadra_02: facebook!

 I smile to myself. I lock my phone and fasten my pace. I can feel the sweat cascading down my spine, making my green shirt stick to my back. I huff. If only my mom allowed me to drive, but she never lets me do anything. Before Nadra, I barely had any friends or anyone at all to talk to. Being the only child with a single parent, I was always under close watch. Everything I did, from dusk to dawn, was always monitored and controlled. Nadra, to me, was the key that unlocked my lonely, isolated cage.

 I met her online after seeing her pretty profile picture amongst a sea of people on Facebook’s Racing Towards Lightspeed’s fanpage. Racing Towards Lightspeed is an underground band that played heavy metal music and she was arguing intensely about the true meaning behind one of their songs. There were many commenters who harshly disagreed with her but she was adamant that she was right. Personally, I disagreed as well but I admired her gumption. I added her and we began to chat.

  nadra_02 accepted your friend request!

its_ian_00: hey! so… about the lyrics to that song…

nadra_02 is typing…

its_ian_00: wait wait! before u murder me viciously with ur argument, i just want to say that i see ur point of view and i think u have a really interesting way of thinking

nadra_02: go on…

its_ian_00: i like that u think the song is about a ruthless monster. ur interpretation gives it an edgy and antagonistic vibe which i never felt prior to reading ur perspective. however, i, myself have a different outlook

nadra_02: which is?

its_ian_00: i don’t think he’s a monster, i think that’s just how people see him. society looks upon him as this grotesque and destructive thing but rlly he’s human like everyone else. he goes out into the world, longing for love and because he isn’t what society would deem as attractive, he gets shut down and that fuels his anger, causing him to appear as ugly as people make him believe he is

nadra_02 is typing…

nadra_02: ian, u have officially become my new favourite person

 I check the time; it’s almost 1am. I start running. I feel the gentle breeze on my face and smell the dew of the freshly cut grass. She wanted to meet at the park near her house. I never thought this day would come. We are finally going to run away together after months of wanting it. I halt when I see the tall Elm tree. My heartbeat quickens. She described her location meticulously in our chat, making sure I knew exactly where to find her amidst the darkness of the night. As I slowly approach the tree, I begin to see a pair of shoes idly knocking against each other in rhythm. When I finally get to the other side of the tree, I smile because she looks up, noticing my presence. Her beautiful face is framed by the glow of the moon. She looks exactly like her photo but exceptionally more stunning in person. I battle the hitch in my throat and utter my first words to her.

 “Hi, Nadra. I’m so glad we’re finally together”

   Nadra

 I storm into my room, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. I can still hear my adoptive parents screaming at me from the other side. I slide down the wall and curl up into a ball of rage, sadness and misery. Ever since I was adopted, my life has been a mess. It’s funny how you think you’re breaking walls to escape the darkness but really, you’re inching your way closer and closer into the abyss. That’s how it is for me now, living with two people who hate me more than they hate each other. I should’ve just stayed at the orphanage, at least there; I didn’t receive fresh cuts and bruises as presents painted in a dark crimson tint.

 “So help me God, I will rip this door right off its hinges! Do you hear me, Nadra?” my so-called dad shouts. I stand up and ignore him, deciding that I’m deaf to his calls.

 I grab my phone from my desk, scoot under my bed, and open Facebook to message Ian. As I type, I stare endearingly at his profile picture. He’s smiling widely, showing off the dimples on each side of his cheek. His hair is a mess, yet the kind of mess that leads you to believe he was too cool to care about how he looked. Effortless, would be a great way to describe him, effortlessly handsome with his tall and lean stature and effortlessly charming with his natural sense of humour.

 nadra_02: what r u doing

its_ian_00: helping my mom clean the dishes, u?

nadra_02: wishing i was with u

its_ian_00: aw, me too

nadra_02: then lets do it

its_ian_00: haha yeah, we will

nadra_02: no, im serious. lets be together. tonight!

its_ian_00: wait… don’t joke around. are u serious?

 The pounding on my door is incessant. I can feel a headache coming, making the tight space underneath my bed feel even tighter. I steady my breath. I’ve been with these people for 4 years, ever since they adopted me at the age of 12. I know exactly what to do every time the going gets tough. I close my eyes and go to my happy place. It differs every night. Sometimes, it’s back at my old home with my real parents, because loved ones don’t die from car accidents in your imagination. Sometimes, it’s at the park, near my house with Ian. This time, I’m with them both.

 The headache subsides along with the pounding. I check the time; it’s 12am. They’ve worn off their alcohol and they’re probably leaving to get more. I can’t stand living like this anymore. It’s now or never.

 its_ian_00: nadra, r u there?

nadra_02: i’m serious ian. i love u, i want to be with u. let’s run away! tonight!

its_ian_00 is typing…

 Nobody ever tells you how seeing three dots in succession could fill you up with such dread. I feel like I’m waiting for an eternity.

 Finally, my phone pings.

 its_ian_00: where shall i meet u?

 My back is against the ribbed trunk of an Elm tree. I am overlooking the lake that is glistening under the moonlight. I look over to my left and I make sure that I’ve packed everything that I need. I have two bags, both filled to the brim with money, clothes, toiletries and other belongings. I chuckle dryly. I’m so used to moving from home to home that I can pack my entire life in just 10 minutes flat. I sigh, checking the time. He should be here by now.

 I hug myself, wrapping my jacket tighter around me to resist the cold that is fighting its way through my clothes. I exhale and my breath forms a cloud. Sometimes, I wish I could climb atop it and float to nowhere. I just want an escape. I hope Ian can give me that.

 I hear the rustling of the grass. Someone is approaching. I can hear my heart thud through my chest. Anxiety and excitement are bubbling in my stomach, struggling to rise to the top in the form of vomit. I can’t contain myself. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. Finally, my gaze at the mundane ground is overcast by a shadow. I look up, smiling, eager to be met with the gorgeous face I’ve been admiring for the past year. However, what I see is something completely different.

 I see not a handsome 18-year-old boy, but a morbidly obese 30-year-old grown man.

 His hair is messy, indeed, for it is matted to his forehead due to the immense amount of grease.

 His jaw his completely hidden from sight, enshrouded by a patchy beard that permeates all the way down to his neck.

 He is panting aggressively and his sweat has made his clothes stick to his body, showing every curve and layer.

 I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I feel like I’m absolutely paralyzed.

 This can’t be him.

 Please, let this not be him.

 But, it seems like I can never escape. It seems like the only thing permanent about my life is the abyss in which has rendered me dormant.

 Because he speaks and his words, instead of setting me free, have shattered any chance I had to escape.

 “Hi, Nadra. I’m so glad we’re finally together.”