#im sure im missing stuff i couldve or wanted to say

[bambiilooloooo]

HI I SAW UR DT17 RANT AND I AGREE SO HARD. i love gandra but i HATE fendra and the writers just genuinely did her so dirty (and im gonna say it. she was way more interesting as an antagonist). and re: gladstone and fethry, FUCKING YEAH. it makes me so fucking sad how fehtyr is treated in dt17 and the fact that its never properly acknowledged just makes it even worse :( THEY LEFT HIM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN FOR 4 YEARS???? ALONE??????? AND THEN GOT ANNOYED WHEN HE ASKED FOR THEIR COMPANY?!?!?! BE FR MAN!!!!! and while i'm on this topic, what ESPECIALLY stings is how donald dislikes both fethry and gladstone in '17. one of my fave things about the comics is the friendship between donald, fethry and gladstone. like sure, donald and gladstone have like a rivalry going on but they're still buddies at the end of the day!!! theyre FAMILY!!! and fethry is just straight up always pals with donald and gladstone. and yeah i feel like the absence of their friendship in '17 is such a missed opportunity espcially since we also have della in the show!!!! the cousin trio couldve upgraded to the cousin quartet but nooooo!!! anyway yeah the show's cast is too big. for a long-running comic series a cast of this size is fine because you can give each character a decent amount of spotlight, but for 3 seasons of an animated show it's less ideal

totally agree with you!!

this is also a badly structure rant

with fendra, u always know it's gonna become canon cuz it's a het ship that was introduced in one of the character's debut episode but the lack of build up is actually so lame. i like gandra and i like fenton but like their canon relationship just happens. and it's like oh i guess this is a thing now?

and we're expected to be a ll invested cuz gandra getting captured by FOWL and her working against them is supposed to be a plot point and cool i get what ur doing but also what? where is the build up?

and i liked her as a villain and she was actually an antagonist which is what makes her sudden flip so weird for me. we're welcoming her to be a part of our family!! um yea ok but she did help the guy that wants to end said family. she needs more screentime simple as.

sidenote: i also wish they focused on her hypocrisy more. 'i follow nobody' and she has worked for both mark beaks and FOWL. i get why and she has her reasons with needing the resources and stuff but that kind of hypocritical behavior in 'cool' ppl is smth i see a lot in ppl and i wish it was explored more. that's an interesting duality to her character.

and omg on gladstone and fethry. HOLY SHIT THEY DID THEM DIRTY. THEY ARE BARELY IN THE SHOW AND IT MAKES ME SAD.

yea i haven't seen the og show but have read the comics and i love them. they're really funny and don's dynamic with his cousins is great!! i hate the simplistic, actual hatred they gave donald towards gladstone and gladstone's characterisation makes a lot of ppl hate him - and i get why but i don't. and i hate that cuz he's a really fun, oringinal idea with the luck motif and they don't do anything substantial with him!!

and do not get me started on fethry. i love dt17 donald but when ppl call him the unproblematic one, i point to his treatment of fethry. dt17 fethry did NOTHING wrong and they LEFT HIM THE OCEAN I HATE THAT SO MUCH. AND THE ONES THAT LEARN THE LESSON ON ACCEPTANCE ARE THE CHILDREN NOT THE GUY HE GREW UP WITH AND THE OLD FUCK THAT SHOULD'VE KNOW BETTER

those two barely feel like family to the main characters and their inclusion in the picture in moonvasion is cute i wont lie. but i wih i'd seen more of it. like scrooge straight up HATES gladstone and fethry, why are those two included in his group of kids? i like that they are and i want them there but there is no build up.

they're supposed to be the huey and louie of the cousins but donald hates them? they're not a reference to the triplets like they were intending, and the intention makes sense and i like the idea, they're JUST there. honestly gladstone and fethry can be seen as louie and huey if they didn't have a good relationship with their family. i think that's interesting too.

and i just wanna say i get why ppl dislike dt17 gladstone but i like him because 1) i think he's wasted potentional in the show 2) i like gladstone in general in the duckverse. his whole luck concept is fun and he's like a preppy kuzco. and 3) he has the mr peanut butter voice and that's realy funny to me

and finally, yea the cast size is insanely big and it feels like there's a new character every episode and like ik why. we wanna see new interprtations but like, they did not have enough time to give all of the characters enough screentime.

[adidegmez]

spn s14 spoilers

s14 ep1(stranger in a strange land)

i want to watch spn but at the same time i dont. last 2 seasons. i dont want to say goodbye. but i need to kearn how their stories end. i must say dean looks amazing. they'll find dean, sam and cas theyre trying so hard.

s14 ep2(gods and monsters)

poor nick, lucifer used him. i love bobby. when he came back i didnt think we would see him this much. its nice to see him he is like our bobby but he is not him. i wish he could come back. cas' speech was beautiful, he changed so much. i love him. jack is right and i dont like that. dean would agree with jack. but dean cant die theyll find another way. and theyll save dean. why didnt cas go with nick? dean isnt dean its Michael right? that was the plan. i hope he is dean but i dont think so.

s14 ep3(the scar)

dean is back. the beard, really dean. I thought Kaia's story would be left unfinished. im glad theyre telling it. Jack is still young and has been through so much already. jack saved the girl. and now he is sick. i love dad cas, when he is talking to jack he is awesome. dean said yes and saved his brother and son. yes michaelhurt people but dean did what he had to do.

s14 ep4(mint condition)

dean wanted a friend like stuart. when he was mad at his dad he could just go and hang out with his friend. he now has cas but it wouldve been nice for him when he was young. i love fanboy dean. his love for movies is beautiful. i hope they can have a nice halloween next year. i would like to see the cosplay.

s14 ep5(nightmare logic)

jack and cas finally went to hunt. i wish we could see that. i love bobby but he needs to be more chill. he is bobby but not our bobby. our bobby's relationship with the boys was different, it was beautiful. i missed him. i didnt think bobby would live this long. i thought they would kill him. im glad he is alive. i am not sure about bobby and mary tho.

s14 ep6(optimism)

i missed Charlie. They had planned everything but the "old man" destroyed Dean. He never expected this. he is offended. jackrealy played his role. i like both of them. they are amazing. i like how both of them thinks Michael is their fault and not the other ones. i love how jack is trying to convince dean to forgive himself. i liked how sam convinced Charlie to stay. i missed our Charlie and bobby. jack is truly a winchester. he is not okay.

s14 ep7(unhuman nature)

hi cas! nick learned some stuff from luci, like torturing:(. dean let jack drove the baby:'). and what is wrong with dean? jack is their son dean'S cas' and sam's. and they love him so much. i mostl forget jack is just a baby. at least rowena helped, it was nice of her. nick is a psychopath. he lost his mind. if he doesnt want to feel those feelings he shouldve asked for help from the boys or he couldve killed himself but he chose lucifer. when lucifer comes back there will be chaos. hell cause so much pain but nick doesnt even care. i thnik luci will save jack probably not willingly but i think jack will live because of him. maybe hell get his grace back.

s14 ep8(byzantium)

no no no no. this cant be happenning jack cant die. dean and cas werent with him. even if they were he cant die. theyll bring him back. im glad kelly got the chance to see her boy. the winchesters and cas, they raised jack well. he is amazing. empty is ruthless. im glad it didnt take cas now but it will take him when he is finally happy. i hope it cant but this story will end, cas' story will end. and i guess thats how it will end. this is bad but for now both cas and jack are safe. im happy for lily she saved jack and she got her reward in the end. the winchesters are back together again. i wish Chuck would come. he couldve beaten Michael easily. and the boys wouldnt have to fight with him. but Chuck is with his sister idek what theyre doing but it wouldnt take long to kill Michael. boys are great dads. they have their son back, they really love their son. i love seeing team free will 2.0. they are all amazing.

s14 ep9(the spear)

no garth wouldnt do that. i think he is working with the winchesters. i love garth. i think i love ketch too. he did some(a lot maybe) bad things but he is trying to do the right thing. i dont like the fact that dean lied to kaia. yes they need the spear, hopefully theyll keep their end of the deal and return her to her home. why did Michael let sam live? what did he do to him? no! Michael took dean, again. dean isnt gone hell beat Michael. dean will win.

s14 ep10(nihilism)

hi pamela. dean's dream, its beautiful. but where is jack in that dream? i cant ake Michael serious. he has dean's face. btw ill always choose dean againts anyone and anything. because hell always win he is always on the right side. jack shouldnt believe what Michael says. im the cage?! dean is so powerfull. hell keep him there for a while. at least billie helped them. 1>14,000,605. dean will save the World, again.

s14 ep11(damaged goods)

Dean says goodbye to everyone. thats not good, hes going to do something. well, what deans doing is not the perfect solution but it can provide more time for others to find a good way to get out of this situation. dean didnt say goodbye to cas and jack?

s14 ep12(prophet and loss)

i thought nicks story ended. dean you did everything you could do for sammy and you are still apologizing. sam, did it. he conviced dean.

s14 ep13(lebanon)

No one can steal the baby. i hate that girl. omg! he wanted his dad. john is back. winchesters are back together. cant they be happy just for once. constantine:) . im glad they all got to spend time together but i hoped john could stay and they could be happy. but this is supernatural and they dont get happy endings most of the time.

s14 ep14(ouroboros)

jack is using his soul more:(. i love rowena more now. rowena cares about them. she cares about jack. i dont want jack to be soulless. yes jack is a winchester and i think cas is a winchester too. if Michael is really dead and jack got his power back then whats gonna happen rest of the season?

s14 ep15(peace of mind)

jack doesnt have a soul, great! well, at least he is trying to do good things.

s14 ep16(don't go in the woods)

i dont like those kids. i hope we'll never see them again.

s14 ep17(game night)

nick became lucifer. i couldnt tell the differance. he was a monster. jack didnt do wrong, if he didnt kill nick he would try to do the same thing again. yes something is wrong with jack but he will get better. Mary pushed Jack too hard, maybe if she left him alone for a few minutes he would be able to pull himself together.

s14 ep18(absence)

No, Jack couldn't have killed Mary. dean and sam theyll be devastated. dean dont be mad at cas. he was just trying to do what he thought was right. The flashback scenes are killing me. I get sadder with each scene. There is 1 season left, I have been watching their stories for 3 months. I don't know how to say goodbye to them. rowena changed so much, i like the winchester affect. she cares about jack and the others. i didnt think mary would die. but she did.

s14 ep19(jack in the box)

hi bobby! i hate dumah now, i didnt like her before and now she is worse. Jack is very open to manipulation. cas did a good thing. dumah doesnt deserve that kinda power. They should have known that box couldn't hold Jack. Dean can be so cruel sometimes, he lied to Jack so easily. and sam he wasnt okay with it he struggelled while lying to jack. i hope they can figure this out. and thing could be way it was. lucifer always makes everything worse.

s14 ep20(moriah)

Chuck!! if jack was sam den would do anyhing to save sam. jack could be saved. jack will return only he can beat Chuck. and he will beat Chuck, he has to. Chuck is a monster. jack is just trying to be good. im glad dean didnt kill jack. he saw jack was struggling and he was trying to do te right thing so he didnt kill him. 1 last season

[calebwittebane]

my thoughts so far on the characters in scarlet.

koraidon is adorable. i cant believe miraidon is apparently more popular. miraidon has that robot dog toy from the early 00s appeal sure but koraidon is just soooo cute. chicken lizard creature. its SO goofy how its tail and its chest frills thingies turn into wheels but it still runs on its silly frog legs. love that. also im loving the skyrim terrain horse riding experience it provides i think thats exactly what pokemon was missing

i dont like clavell hes ugly and i dont think it was appropriate for him to comment on how well my stupid little uniform suits me right in front of my mother no less and i wish he would stop popping up because all he does is make me mildly uncomfortable

i was really expecting to like nemona a lot because shes cute as hell (despite her occasional disconcerting :-D smile) but shes so one-note its starting to get so old. maybe thatll change at some point but like. ok i get it we get it you like battles. we all do girl like this is pokemon im playing pokemon. that being said its so funny how much she wants my attention and like argues with arven about me like girl you just met me and my name is mozarella and im weird looking and my eyes dont have pupils and i dont really say anything and i dont know how to remove my stupid hat. i am flattered but what is it about me that appeals to you so, nemona? its not like i ever even helped her with anything at any point shes just been dragging me around nemonasplaining things to me. ok no i guess fair enough i get it

arven surprised me because at first i was super put off by him, although honestly that couldve been because his animations are SO scary like whyd they make him move like that and make those faces. either way i then saw him stumble around in the cafeteria with his enormous backpack, presumably in-universe he was like knocking shit off the tables with every move, and i found that endearing and relatable as i tend to do that too but without the backpack. and after that i hung around him a little and he turned into a fussy little housewife guywife babygirl like cooking for me and stuff like being like ohh omg of course i made extra for you you worked so hard today you gotta eat!! idk im really amused by this i like the guy and his huge clinically depressed dog

penny is so lame.

brassius frustrated me because hes likeable and cool looking but i tchruly hate it when media is like ok this character is an artist so lets make them say art and artistic and inspiration and artwork and all shit similar in every single sentence. this is offensive. we dont talk like this. as a member of the Big Art im greatly offended by this depiction.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Hey! I've been obsessed with Elisabeth: das Musical for a good while and one of the things I really like about it is the way it comments on Sissi-media. However, Im saying that as someone who really only knows about that media through cultural osmosis and hasnt really seen any of it. And since I'm gonna have a bunch of free time the next few weeks, I thought it would be interesting to watch all* the media about Elisabeth I can get my hands on and review it and just talk about my thoughts on it. I'm also gonna watch all* the Rudolf media I can find as part of this little project because, I might as well

*by 'all media' I mostly mean stuff like movies, series and stageplays, obviously I know there's books but I'm not really in a place where I can focus on reading a bunch of stuff, but I know that the trilogy is based on books, and if I can find free audiobooks online I'll listen to those

I also want to give a quick disclaimer that I'm not a history person, I know very little about all this, so I'm not gonna get too much into the historical accuracy of any of these pieces. I mean, maybe this whole thing will get me to do research into the actual history, I actually have been wanting to do that more since Ive started engaging with the Elisabeth das Musical fandom and seen all these people talk about how much reasearch they do for fanfics and stuff, and its making me feel a little left out ngl, but I struggle with actually doing that for reasons I dont really want to get into. Long story short, if I dont approach historical topics very carefully Im gonna end up with horrible intrusive thoughts that last for days, and I'd like to avoid that but I need to figure out how to do that first.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I'll put everything I want to watch in order under the readmore. I'm pretty sure I got everything (that i can access atleast), but if you feel like Im missing anything please tell me, I want to be thorough and I would really appreciate it ^^

• Kaiserin Elisabeth von Österreich (1921)

• Elisabeth von Österreich (1931)

• The King Steps Out (1936)

• Mayerling (1936) (with english subtitles)

• L'Aigle à deux Têtes (1948) (with english subtitles)

• Le Secret de Mayerling (1949) (with german subtitles)

• Ludwig II. — Glanz und Ende eines Königs (1955)

• Sissi (1955)

• Kronprinz Rudolfs letzte Liebe (1956)

• Sissi, die junge Kaiserin (1956)

• Mayerling (1957)

• Sissi — Schicksalsjahre einer Kaiserin (1957)

• Mayerling (1968)

• Elisabeth Kaiserin von Österreich (1972)

• Ludwig (1973) (with german subtitles)

• Viza Privati, Pubbliche Virtú (1976) (with german subtitles)

• Der Kronprinz (1989)

• Sisi und der Kaiserkuß (1991)

• Elisabeth: das Musical (1992 Austrian proshot)

• Elisabeth: Ai to shi no Rondo (1996 Snow Troupe Proshot) (with english subs)

• Elisabeth: das Musical (2004 Hungarian proshot) (with english subs)

• Kronprinz Rudolfs letzte Liebe (longer original version split into two parts: Kronprinz Rudolf — der Rebell (Part 1) und Kronprinz Rudolf — Mayerling (Part 2), same as 'Kronprinz Rudolf — Sissi's einziger Sohn) (2006)

• Lissi und der wilde Kaiser (2007)

• Sisi (2009)

• Rudolf: Affaire Mayerling (2009)

• Sisi... und ich erzähle euch die Wahrheit (2012)

• Sisi (2021)

• The Empress (2021)

• Sisi & Ich (2023)

Media I am aware of but could not access:

• Leibfiaker Bratfisch/Day Geheimnis von Mayerling/Die Tragödie eines Prinzen (1919/1924-1925)

• Tragödie im Hause Habsburg/Der Prinz der Legende (1924) (<- I was very surprised that I wasnt able to find these two anywhere since theyre old silent films and would think they would be archived somewhere, and I couldve sworn Ive seen gifs or screenshots of Tragödie im Hause Habsburg on tumblr, so idk, if anyone could point me to where I could watch these, I would really appreciate it)

• The Last Half Hour: The Mayerling Story (1951)

• Sissi — Beuteljahre einer Kaiserin (1989)

• all the various Mayerling-shows by the Takarazuka revue

[sayakxmi]

(From Discord, about Hakuryuu & Alibaba)

Hakuryuu must feel like a clown for saying all that shit about Alibaba, and then having Alibaba basically save his country that Hakuryuu fucked up, the same country that fucked up Alibaba's country and his life kinda, too.

And how is he supposed to talk abt this? Bc he probably should.

Is he supposed to say thanks or sth?

Maybe he'll just cook him something… Yeah, that sounds like a good idea…

He'll cook for everybody, but coincidentally it's gonna be Alibaba's fav dish… yeah, that sounds like a plan…

Aladdin & Morgiana at some point look at Hakuryuu & go, ok, we're getting him drunk

"I missed you you know ;_; like, you were my first friend efur, and, well, maybe Judar kind of but we weren't ever close like until recently, cuz he was kinda a dick"

"Yeah, that much didn't change"

"YEAH and you were actually, you know, like,, ugh... NICE you were a nice person Alibaba-dono, but like super weird what was with that swearing off hate, 'ts fuckin stupid, but youre kind of stupid so that makes sense"

"...?"

"But it was the GOOD stupid you know? The comfortable nice and stupid, but also you were pissing me off so much with that goody-two-shoes attitude, you were so fucking annoying, how ppl like that exist, who allowed that"

"...I... I'm not sure what you're trying to say at this point, so, uh, thanks... probably.... But maybe give me that"

(takes away Hakuryuu's wine, considers drinking it, then looks back at Hakuryuu, and, yeah, maaaaybe not tonight.)

"UGH, but I wanted u to join u kno, like, when Judar & I were wrecking stuff, I really wanned you to be a part of it... ;_; like Im kinda gald u didnt but I WANTED you to you know,you were one of my only friends and we both tried to take our homelands back & I thought maybe we could do it together yknow Judar made fun of me when Ive mentioned"

"Oh... Um-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah ofc you wouldnt have agreed youre too GOOD for this im kinda glad you didnt but do you ever wonder what wouldve happened if you did???"

"...no, not really. There was no way I wouldve agreed to sth like-"

"We couldve ruled the world together Alibaba-dono, all of us, you and me and Judar ans Aladdin-dono, and Morgiana-dono, it wouldve been GREAT"

"No, it very much-"

"No it wouldnt have buf thats what I THOUGHT I missed you guys so fucking mych yo you didnt even say goodbye you were supposed to be my FRIEND"

"Oh, that, um. I panicked and Morgiana held me back..."

"Oh my gosh THATS what happened I thought you didnt like me anymore ;_; "

"What? NO! Of course I liked you! I still do!"

"You do??? 🥺 Even after I killed you??"

"Uh, it really sucked but yeah, and its not like I handled that all that wellOOPF"

(Hakuryuu hugs him)

[psychelis-new]

thank you very very very much for my reply snd so sorry for my very long ramble. I guess I dont know what else to do atp, I couldve done much more had I not felt the need to fit in like everyone else is currently doing even memes are less entertaining as well as a lot fo it relying so much on the internet i just want to escape all of this nonsense i really do. like just yeet me into space then if anything. i dont care anymore for my life really. ik im probs just making excuses or sounding dramatic but it seems many others at leasdt have talents or something that they care deeply about. i just seemed to have missed the chances and since we didnt have any of this stuff when i was a kid

I dont particularly care for wealth yet at the same time that too is everywhere so its like fomo and inability to simply be satisfied in anything i like or do bc someone else has more or better things they are doing and its so easy to fall into the trap of comparisons, like so and so is posting their whole life online or so and so is exceedingly popular online and irl. i dont know lets just simply say that i keep feeling lkke a nobody and all anyone else on here seems ro say manifest xyz things and how age is just a number without knowing peoples past experiences or lack thereof skills and so on. i just dont even know what i want anymore either. its like im just a soulless blob in a pile of other blobs and everyone else is blobbing about stuff i dont particularly care about online.

i regret being born in my generation, i really do, theres almost too much going on at once but itd all digitalised rather than in person. even celebs dont seem to realise their devices can have an off button maybe if they werent online so much others would be inspired to do that as well but even if you go out anywhere people on their phones or go to concert let say people on their phones again how else to gsin connection with others when its all done via a horrid little screen which i regret buying but once again it is much required in todays society. theres certain things i wouldve loved to have done in previous generations or maybe had i been a different person of a different nationality but i still wouldve had to adjust to needing to be online for the most part. even just typing shit into google feels so soulless like i havw a brain but i dont need to think or feel and i dont need opinions cause someone online will end up hating me for it so thats out the window

As I was suggesting you, you need a break and find yourself again. You're too focused on what others do, who they are, and compare yourself to something that doesn't even exist (online world is pretty much like movies these days) and try to act the same as them to fit in (no but fr, who cares what celebs do online or how long they are online? it's their life, let them do what the heck they want -plus, they're often a brand with legs, they're making money that way...). But anyway you cannot fit in something if you don't know who you are and what you're searching for and if you don't know where you want to fit in (and where you actually can fit in without losing yourself -which you probably already did, in order to not feel left out).

You are worthy, your life is very worthy, but your worth is not outside, your worth is inside of you. Same as your talents and whatever good you possess (and don't tell me you don't cause everyone does). You cannot find it online or in strangers online, and for sure you won't seeing if you keep comparing with others and what they seem to have... so stop trying to do so. If others have fun online and have found their own place there, let them. Who cares what they find of so cool there. But if you don't, then it's time for you to find what you find funny by taking a break. Put in effort (the one you were calling for so much in the other ask) and find in yourself and what you want and like. The only way to find your soul inside of your blob is to look in that blob that is you and finding your voice. You cannot let others tell you who you are: only you know.

But it's useless if I keep repeating myself and you can't see you are worthy and not caged (you know it but still, you cannot leave the comfort zone you have created: you feel like you won't ever fit in and you keep finding comfirmations of it out of any interactions you have online. If you don't work on how you see things and yourself, nothing will change for real). You can think with your mind, you can believe other things than what you're told by society or people that only want to sell a product/gain from what they do (I already answered an ask or two on this... were they yours?). You can do what you would have loved to do in any other time: it's not about this generation, it's about you and what you want... don't find excuses to keep yourself out of what you desire to do or how you desire to live. Don't blame it all on this society, where you live and the times we're living in. You still have a choice, you can act differently and who the heck should care about it? If it makes you happy, do it. But if it's really so, if you know you'd feel better out of it, it's not the internet the problem, it's you caging yourself in a cycle that doesn't even exist (but was well created to sell products again)...

For real, take a moment for yourself. Maybe journal about how you feel, what you want and what you're searching for and then go find it. It may take a while and some effort, but you will make it. Maybe your people aren't online but at the supermarket you usually visit, or at the library or they share any other interest with you offlline. Idk. If you need connections, first of all connect with yourself. Then, you'll be able to connect also with others the way you need.

Again all the best! I know you're now writing me cause I am making you feel less alone, but I am not the answer you're seeking. It's only within you.

[mihai-florescu]

Another one of them is you narrating your Leo coded friend(?) adventures backpacking through Europe because that made me anxious and it was a third degree knowledge type of thing and they had to get to a place before a certain time because it was their birthday??? I think??? And they also lost the bus or a train one time and that's why they had to resort to hitching a ride with some randoes??? That's like all over the place because you kept saying different things as they traveled so I only remember bits and pieces but it left... An impression....

There's also the fact that I have a clear distinct memory of you regularly talking and/or posting about hypmic or at least seeing you in the asks of a hypmic blog with a jakurai icon (I think it was jakurai but actually it could have been Yuki as well) but still with the same url as now and at this point I no longer know if it's a made up memory or not...

It mustve been a yuki pfp, i dont think i ever had a jakurai one. But i also dont remember talking to many ppl about hypmic...hmm. im curious when that couldve been.

As for my friend...ok here's the story as i remember it. She was supposed to fly from spain to belgium and attend a week of some socialist youth meeting camp in a forest with ppl she had met in highschool during an exchange semester. She had been partying the days leading up to the flight (i remember the day before the flight she showed me the cut she got from climbing some? Barbed wire? To tresspass to a rave? And in that same night she also fell asleep in a field?) Anyway she missed the flight, bought another one, but then didnt have enough money to buy one back. She didnt want to borrow money or, like, tell family that she messed up, so she lied to them that she has enough money for a bus instead, when in reality she started hitchiking (it was also tricky cuz she needed to still buy food and stuff, and she really was pretty much broke).

I was at pride when she called me to say she set off on this journey and then for the next 2-3 days id get updates whenever she caught wifi. I dont remember every single connection but highlights include: the french family who asked if she could stay with them as a nanny. The brazilian guy who invited her to a party in luxembourg (and she went). The police picked her up at some point and brought her to a gas station or truck stop. Some other cars inbetween where nothing crazy happened. And finally in the last day, a truck that was going from france to barcelona, which was where she was supposed to return to. Because, yes, she had a birthday party to attend. Her own (combined with another roommate's, but still. I did not know whether she'd make it to 21 at the rate in which things were going). I love her so much and im glad it all worked out... she's the one with the cat named messi, if you're keeping track of my friends' cats. Messi's an icon, im sure you know him

[heliianth]

ok i checked out taylor swifts midnights album bc the swiftie mutuals won me over . opinions under the cut bc im sure not a lot of ppl rlly care cuz im not a music blogger

im an edm - hyperpop - punk poprock or whatever person so im not sure how much of this is me coming at it as a person who doesnt frequent taylors genre. if i ever do mellow/acoustic its stuff like oh hellos, or Angrier-inclined things like the crane wives. so if ur reading keep that in mind pls dont be mean 2 me abt it ;;;^-^ im very aware that ill be more inclined to criticize it maybe more harshly than is truly warranted just bc i dont listen to this type of music 

her lyrics are very nice and i can clearly follow the type of story shes trying to tell. im sure theres a lot of symbolism for diehard fans but im just not one of them so im probably missing a lot of it but i especially enjoyed anti-hero and the great war’s lyrics (and also wouldve couldve shouldve bc i love religious imagery)

basically a lot of songs left me feeling like i was waiting for the beat to drop (which is why i bring up that im an edm listener SOBB). it feels weird complaining that the transition between verses and choruses are too smooth but thats what im kinda what im trying to say? she has very good build ups but when it gets to the chorus i feel like nothing is happening with it. theres not a lot of payoff. im the kind of person who wants to have a moment where i involuntarily headbang and none of the songs did it for me

i dont know if the 3am extensions count as the actual midnights album but  wouldve couldve shouldve and glitch were probably my favorites. of the non-extended album i liked midnight rain and im sure some of that is purely because of the distorted voice but i also felt like it was more memorable upon immediate reflection (i had to go back and listen to some of the specific songs i mentioned to recall what they sounded like Ajhsjgf srry)

overall im sure its very good music to ppl who frequent this type of album more than i do . i just felt like i was left hanging for things to “kick up” which is probably more indicative of genre dissonance than actual quality

ok now im done talking abt things i dont know abt o7

[machinavillage]

i think i complained about my internet friend i visited irl last month.

about a week after i got home, after not talking to him for a week i tried to explain why i was upset. and he gave a pretty bland apology idk what else i expected. and sometimes i miss talking to him, but i sort of dont anymore. now im worried about when he's going to reach out to me again, or if we never talk again, or if im supposed to. or what. but i also dont feel like i can talk to him. its kinda funny.

like main thing was really that i was viscerally uncomfortable the whole time i was there. horrible dirty bathroom and he gave me nasty food and i would feel weird if i ordered takeout without him. and i travelled 8 hours on plane and he didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. just sit and play on his ps5. and he had the gall to look over at me and say "oh i wanted to text you right now but i realized youre right there". and when i got him to go out and go places with me, he clearly didnt want to be there. and he'd complain like "oh i dont want to go somewhere on the bus if we're on the bus for 30 minutes or more" bitch i was on a plane overnight for you? fuck you!

and now its like. i regret all the times i tried to talk to him about how i was failing to cope with child abuse and csa stuff like. i poured my heart out to this person and he never really gave a shit and had some of the cruelest responses to me honestly. and i kept fucking trying because i thought if im patient enough ill get something good in return.

i dont get shit i keep getting someone who tells me "oh, i really learned my lesson that time! im so sorry! i need to think more about how i treat you" and like. am i supposed to be learning something? did i do something wrong i need to learn from. is this mutual? at all?

i kept offering to buy him food and pay for all the ubers too because he didnt have a job right now. all i asked for in return was that he be somewhat interested in spending time with me. but since i couldnt even get that, i feel like i wasted hundreds of dollars now. i still didnt know ahead of time that it was possible for my feelings to turn in that way. like every mistake and every time he's pissed me off before is coming back now. it all got recontexualized and i realize he must not care about me at all.

i was going to tell him that im fine just being friends with him online but now im not even sure thats true. the stuff i complained about in my visit with him isnt even all of it. its way longer than that i just picked a few of the things that really hurt. he wouldnt go on an 1-2 hour walk through a nearby park with me. it was like 30 minutes to there, but i wouldve paid for the uber to or something and we couldve walked outside. he just "didnt feel like it". but then when he introduced me to his friend she said they went there together all the time??? whats up with that. why am i nothing.

like idk what to say to him now but saying nothing is starting to eat at me. int he back of my mind i dread him messaging me. i want him to disappear now. none of this is stuff id type about someone i still felt close to. but it feels weird to instantly hate someone because of that. but im not sure its instant either. i just cant really sort it out.

i feel like i kept waiting for years and saying "this is the person im closest too this is the only person i can tell this stuff to" especially in regards to trauma stuff and i just picked the wrong person entirely. and i kept thinking if continue trying it would pay off and id really really get something good. im so stupid. all that time i kept saying "this is the person im closest to" was probably time i couldve spent actually talking to other people or finding actual support.

now its been years since i socialized with people and i dont know how to. all for someone who seems to not care about me, not get anything out of me aside from playing video games together. and i guess i imagined everything i gained from being close to him.

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Jake English, Tavros Crocker

Candy, page 36

JOHN: dad?

JOHN: jake?

JOHN: what are you doing here?

JOHN: wh–

JOHN: HOW are you here?

JOHN: did something happen with jane?

JAKE: Oh nothing er happened exactly.

JAKE: Just thought we would pop in for a bit of r and r with an old pal isnt that right tav?

TAVROS: Cripes,,, sorry, uncle john,

TAVROS: I’ll replace it,,,

JOHN: it’s fine. that’s actually just a piece of garbage.

JOHN: aren’t you cold?

JAKE: I am in fact!

JAKE: These old duds...

JAKE: Well you see janey bought all my other clothes.

JAKE: She had a certain way she liked me kipped out and well, i didnt want to bring anything that belonged to her when i left. Nothing she er, might miss.

TAVROS: You took me,

TAVROS: And,,, you took you,

JAKE: Then i daresay i made the right choice not rustling the bushes in the making off with inanimate belongings department.

JAKE: Wouldnt want to give her any more reasons to get all retributive!

JAKE: Shes got a lot to worry about right now! Incredibly busy woman you know.

JOHN: okay, so, uh...

JOHN: i guess i’m just gonna move past the fact you’re 90% naked in my house.

JOHN: i’m not forgetting about it. we’ve got to address that at some point.

JOHN: but i guess we can put that on the backburner for now.

JOHN: are you trying to tell me that you left jane?

JAKE: Eh heh heh whew when you put it like that it sure sounds erm...

JAKE: Well i suppose that is what it looks like isnt it. Ha ha.

JAKE: What i did that is. Thats the thing thats looking like that. Hoo...

JOHN: so i guess this is the thing that’s currently happening now.

JOHN: what exactly do you want me to do?

JAKE: Well. I suppose i was hoping you might be willing to help me and wee tavvy out a bit here.

JOHN: help you out?

JOHN: that’s pretty funny.

JOHN: i remember trying to help you for years, and you never seemed that interested back then.

JAKE: Look here chap sometimes not everything is so simple!

JAKE: It isnt as if i couldve just walked out the door whenever i wished!

JOHN: i mean... yeah, you kind of could have.

JOHN: not now. but years and years ago.

JOHN: back before everything got so...

JAKE: Warlike and tempestuous?

JOHN: i was gonna say stupid, but yeah.

JAKE: Well its not as if janey got like this overnight.

JAKE: None of this happened overnight john!

JAKE: Its just like you go to take a dip in the water and everything starts out cool and fine...

JAKE: But then it just keeps getting hotter and hotter. Gradually. Degree by degree.

JAKE: So slowly that by the time the waters boiling you dont even realize youre being scalded alive!

JOHN: are you guys... i don’t know, hungry, or whatever?

JOHN: i think i have a frozen pizza.

JOHN: i’m sorry for being... i don’t know. a bitch.

JOHN: it’s just been kind of a rough forever.

JAKE: No offense taken chap! Whisky?

JAKE: As you may know im not in truth the biggest fan of the stuff but it gets the job done right quick eh.

JAKE: John.

JAKE: Do you think im a bad person?

JOHN: wait. what?

JAKE: Do you think ive ruined my whole entire life and all of my relationships and especially the most important relationship in ones life, the divine and unbreakable bond between a man and his son?

JOHN: haha.

JOHN: um.

JOHN: not sure if i’m the best person to talk to about this, considering i kind of did the same thing?

JOHN: but, no. i don’t really think that.

JOHN: it’s not as if anything that’s happened to you is your fault, like, existentially.

JOHN: or like, even non-existentially. i guess even in straightforward non-metatextual-jerkoff terms it’s also not your fault your wife was treating you like shit?

JOHN: it may be all my fault in both an existential and non-existential capacity, so i wouldn’t sweat it too much either way.

JAKE: Eh? What do you mean?

JOHN: i don’t think you’d really understand.

JOHN: all i’m saying is...

JOHN: you’re alright, i think.

JOHN: i think you’re doing the best you can.

JOHN: i don’t blame you for anything, jake.

JAKE: I wish i could tell you hearing that was a load off my mind john.

JAKE: The me of yesteryear probably would have drunk to your health and exclaimed, thats grand ole chap! Now im off to wrestle with a robot and engage in dalliances and whatnot!

JAKE: Except i would have been drinking flat cherry coke back then probably. Gran left an astounding amount of cherry coke behind when she died and it took forever to get through it all.

JOHN: that’s pretty gross.

JAKE: Different strokes for different folks i suppose!

JAKE: Anyway my point is...

JAKE: Maybe you should blame me?

JAKE: Maybe i need someone to blame me. For once.

JOHN: ...huh?

JAKE: I think im starting to realize that ive been going through life with the mindset that nothing has ever really been within my control.

JAKE: Maybe its been the people i surround myself with.

JAKE: Janey always seemed so sure of what was right and what she wanted!

JAKE: And one of those things was me.

JAKE: I dont think i ever really tried to challenge her. Not when it ever mattered.

JAKE: And before her there was dirk.

JAKE: Hoo boy. Dirk would have written me out an annotated schedule for every minute of my day if id asked him to.

JAKE: Or um, especially if i hadnt asked him to.

JAKE: Dirk... he...

JAKE: Ah maybe its best if we dont dwell too much on that...

JAKE: In a way i think i found all that comforting.

JAKE: Havent you ever wanted to let someone make the tough choices for you?

JOHN: maybe. yeah. i dunno.

JAKE: Im starting to think ive been a bit of a fool about it all though.

JAKE: Its easy to shrug it all off when its just your own life being jostled about.

JAKE: But this is all something i shouldve been thinking about when ole tavvy was born isnt it?

JAKE: Too little too late.

JAKE: Ive not done right by that boy at all.

JAKE: Even now all im doing is making excuses for myself. Phew!

JOHN: jake, i guess i actually don’t know you that well, but i think there’s a difference between making excuses and just giving reasons.

JOHN: there’s reasons for what you did, sure. and i guess you can think of it as an excuse, but that’s only if you don’t make the effort to start trying to fix yourself.

JOHN: and i mean... okay, look. you left. you’re doing it. you’re making it happen!

JOHN: you got your son out of there.

JOHN: better a decade late than never. i guess.

JAKE: You... youre right john!

JAKE: I did do that didnt i.

JAKE: Nobody swooped in through the window and rescued me.

JAKE: I did it myself! I finally stood up for whats right and im going to make way for a new and better me!

JAKE: I have my immortal life ahead of me. Theres no point in sitting around hating myself and regretting the past!

JOHN: i...

JOHN: thought it would be harder to convince you?

JAKE: Golly john, i–

JAKE: Gee willikers, do you hear that?

JAKE: John.

JOHN: yeah?

JAKE: Take my hand.

JOHN: what? why?

JAKE: Dance with me!

JOHN: oh, jesus christ.

JAKE: Im excited, john! I havent been excited in such a long time.

JAKE: Its just so great to be out on my own! Here with you after so long!

JAKE: You and me and tav, gosh were going to make such a team! Two crockers and an egbert!

JAKE: A cracking good comedy to be sure.

JAKE: Heck. Perhaps ill take back my good old name back! Who knows, maybe tav would want to be an english too!

JAKE: This place is a bit smaller than wee tavvy is used to but im sure well make do.

JOHN: you want to move in with me?

JAKE: Oh yes i suppose id ought run the plans by you first before letting my imagination run wild eh.

JAKE: Im sure i could find somewhere else to stay. But i must say i do feel much safer bringing tav up with family!

JOHN: sure. why the hell not.

JOHN: oof...

JAKE: Eh? What are you looking so glum for there chap?

JOHN: oh, you know. the usual.

JAKE: Do you need help getting up?

JOHN: nah.

JOHN: i’m cool down here, on the floor.

JAKE: You know john. Maybe wed ought embark upon this journey of self-betterment together!

JAKE: What do you say my boy?

JOHN: what...

JAKE: I got my tavvy out. Have you been thinking about making amends with roxy and such? Maybe give her the push she needs to get out herself?

JOHN: not really.

JAKE: And why in the hell not!!

JOHN: like i said, you wouldn’t really understand.

JOHN: i don’t think there���s really much of a point in me trying to talk to roxy.

JOHN: she’s not...

JAKE: Shes not what?

JAKE: You cant rightly go and blame the woman for all your troubles john.

JOHN: i’m not!

JOHN: i’m not blaming her at all.

JAKE: Then what ARE you saying johnnyboy?

JOHN: that even if i COULD talk to her and try to set things straight...

JOHN: why bother?

JOHN: she may not even be, like, real. strictly speaking.

JAKE: Eh?!

JOHN: like i said. you wouldn’t understand.

JOHN: trust me. it’s all a whole lot of crazy stuff.

JAKE: Youre right. That is an awfully crazy thing to say!

JAKE: Not real? Why i just saw roxy yesterday!

JOHN: ...

JAKE: Shes as solid and real a person as you or i john.

JAKE: Its hardly becoming of a man to say something so dismissive even if its tough to know what a lady is thinking from time to time.

JOHN: i’m not...

JOHN: ...

JAKE: Whats that now?

JOHN: i fucked up too bad, too long ago.

JOHN: it’s just too late to change anything now.

JAKE: So what?

JOHN: huh?

JAKE: So what if it doesnt change anything? Wont it matter to your family to see you care?

JAKE: Wont it make you feel better to try?

JAKE: To at least be able to say that when the chips were down, you gave it your honest all?

JOHN: ...

JAKE: And what about harry anderson? Do you really want to go the rest of your long life knowing you never tried to be the father your son needed?

JAKE: My word john. Are you... crying?

JOHN: haha...

JOHN: jake, do you have roxy’s number?

[6lost6but6trying]

December 25. 2023

Dear Tiara,

Its been a while since iv done these but im going to try to write like my sappy old self used to….

I know i told you that i missed you

I miss you in the most innocent way possible

Yes we may be perverts and had a big of a “intense” physical attraction….remember “ SELF CONTROL” x3

But besides that…

I miss you when i dont see you

I miss you when i dont hear you

I miss your gentle touch when you held me, played with my hand and my hair…

It made me feel safe

The way i said my mind goes blank when im not stressing and feel safe, is how i have felt when iv been with you

All eyes on you

Youve gotten my full focus

Even when i talk to you on apex, my mind is with you and my heart is happy

This is probably why shes saying my heart isnt with her 100%

Im sorry this year was a total mess with this

I wish i could change it but at the same time i dont because it wouldnt have helped us realize stuff we know now

No matter if we have kissed and stuff like that…

I know youre flip flopping on if you should give me another chance as a friend….

Just know working on that friendship again im all in for

After you telling me about attachment styles…

It made me visualize how you and i can work on our own attachments even if we are not together…

And still be in contact..

Please again dont think i never cared about our friendship….

I really did i was just in a mess and didnt know what to do

I used to be so much better at relationships back then

Then i fell in a deep black hell hole and didnt know what to do anymore

Marco knows im not the happiest without you…

But he just goes with the flow of how i go…

He and Natalie are on your side now

They thought i was in the best relationship and now they changed their minds…

Im starting to as well…

I feel like i stay because of the good days…theres been more good days than bad but when bad comes around…its BAD bad…

We never attack the problem,

We attacked eachother…

I may have made a mistake but not really because its helping me realize things…

I just know i miss you

I miss your hugs

I miss your high fives

I miss you calling me “little shit”

And mind you when you say that… my little inner self gets all giggly and happy each time, i have no idea why but he does🙈

I miss when you challenge me to figure things out with puzzles

I miss you always talking shit about how you beat me on mortal kombat

I miss you beating me on beatsaber and calling me trash even tho you dont mean it in a bad way

The way you say it, your movement and such, nobody else says it like you and it just makes me smile and i dont even get mad…

I miss you making us dinner

I miss eating and talking with you

I miss our therapy session at home and apex even tho we didnt have to have them but we do and it helps me get to know you and the way u think better…

I miss your laughter

I miss your face

I miss our interactions in general

Im so sorry we got us into this mess

But i sure miss you alot….

A part of me still wishes we couldve worked out

A part of me when marco said to do it with you and i said no…i actually wouldnt have minded helping you experience it but a part of me wants to be more than just a toy for you to try stuff on…

But a major part of me still wants to work it out with you as a friend way more than anything and if things form and we grow wiser and more aware of things we want and being with eachother is still a want… then my heart will be yours… i believe deep down i never given Someone my heart yet…more like i did at some point but she showed a true color and i took it back…. My puppy self is still looking back at you from outside that glass window you have provided

I just realized

When things were happening with us 3, she had a door open so easily for me while you just had a window open and a door locked…

A part of me just wants to put a ladder on that window, climb up and go in and feel the safety feeling and knock the ladder down so theres no going back. The wide open door she gave me seemed too easy and not secured….

Im sorry for everything & i offer you my friendship and whatever else….

I do care about you alot…

Again im so sorry 😞

Will you forgive me?

Hug for yes

No hug for no

The choice is yours my tiara 💕 👑

~Love: Your old work husband 💍

[forestryfae]

its like. i KNOW, on some level, that its kind of fucked up that dad and mom are like. not talking to me or reaching out and they never have ven when i was a kid, and i know on some level its pretty fucked up how little they care about me yet somehow want a say in EVERYTHING in my life

and its kinda fucked up that i asked my dad about a hypothetical scenario where i rent that really shitty apartment he has in the basement for a little while after finally getting rid of the house i currently live in. just so ill have somewhere to live until i find a better apartment somewhere. and somehow my brother gets 12k a month and only pays 4k ish but i make 18k a month so i should ay 10k in rent just cus

and somehow im just a trash heap so when i moved into the house i got a bunch of crap my parents just didnt want. my old stuff from when i was a kid?? okay thanks for the toys but can i ssell them or give some of them to my little sister? NO. what if my little sister comes to visit. they dont fucking visit me more than once a year at most and they only visit my neighbours or show up when im not around. baby pictures??? stuff i had when i was a baby like a toy and some shit drawings from when i was a kid???? WHY WOULD THEY GIVE ME THAT. its stuff that should be sentimentally important enough for dad to keep, not give to me cus theyd feel bad throwing it away or give to me cus it was taking up space. mom kept the big photoalbum books i had to go get from dads house before they sold it even tho it was all packed away and probably hadnt been in a bookshelf for a while and i didnt even get my own babypictures or the album even tho mom said i was gonna get it when i moved out some furniture and shit?? mom didnt wanna get rid of a fucking bench with drawers so he asked me if i wanted it?? i said okay but like if i try selling it is she gonna want it back? and she even tried buying an unopened box with a dresser in it (i dont have space for it anywhere. YET.) from me even tho i said i needed it. she couldve just asked where she got it or some shit, they literally still sell it at the store and you can order it online and dad and stepmom came with some mats and lamps for me "in case i needed some" so thats lying in the garage taking up space cus i dont have any use for them. they even gave me a fucking roomba even tho i didnt think itd help and i never used it and now they want it back cus they wanna give it to grandma. like i get the logic but why give it away if you want it back.

and like. most of my shit is secondhand from family. because the solution to all my problems is apparently not getting me the fuck out of that house, its Giving Me Things. i just got picked up from the psychiatrists office or i have a headache and feel awful or i almost had a panic attack, but dad cant drop me off at home or even at moms house cus that takes 10 minutes extra so instead i get a soda. cus that makes up for him just letting me have a headache or literally driving me aorund for 3 hours cus hes got "chores" (checking out used car dealerships for more cars he can buy so he can fix them cus his hobbies are so important he cant just put them aside and make sure were fed or have clothes, thats mom and grandmas job)

so instead of actually trying to help me or spend time with me they give me shit. i dont see people for literal months and im literally crying daily for hours in the middle of fucking winter and nobody even fucking talks to me but the best way to fix that?? give me a christmas tree and ornaments. give me some of their old decorations too. bail on me to stay home for new years eve but thats okay cus i got a christmas tree they bought for me cus that fixes everything i dont have a table and chairs to sit in the livingroom or kitchen and im almost having a mental breakdown cus i think THATS whats missing and having more furniture is going to fix the complete lack of any connection with other people cus if i have a big house and i have stting space people will actually bother visiting. so ofc dad gives me their old furniture from their cottage, theyve been meaning to get rid of it so they can replace it anyways. literally giving me their unwanted shit cus its easier. going to the thriftstore with me is too much work and i cant get to any of the more remote but cheap furniture stores but thats okay cus they dont care and for as long as they dont have to drive me or spend time with me all is well.

like it is no fuckin wonder im struggling to even save up money when i keep buying shit cus thats literally what always happens when im with family. we go on a daytrip somwhere to buy shit cus there no fucking connection there thats worth even trying to deal with, so the whole idea of an experience or bonding isnt really applicable. being a kid and hanging out with the paternal side of the family was literally always a shopping trip where we bought new clothes. cus dads cheap and didnt wanna spend his precious hobby money on clothes, he wants to fix cars for months then sell them for a couple extra hundreds, and my uncle and aunt and cousin only visited for weekends every now and then so it wasnt often either. but it was practically every time.

like even when im alone in the city or somewhere i wind up spending money on shit cus i just. dont have the self control and who gives a shit anyways its not like ill be able to ever save up for anything and atleast this way i get something i want besides just groceries or whatever. and maybe if i buy the right things ill have motivation to actually do shit like having hobbies or fixing my life and if i have the right aesthetic ill atleast feel less like all my shit is embarrassing and childish and i wont get tired of it as easily ig. but also like whats the fucking point of anything. it feels like im no allowed to get things i genuinely want or thhink would help and im not allowed to switch things out when theyre not working. im not allowed to get a new desk cus i have an old one i dont want and never use, i have a new one ive never used and thats driving me insane because of the size and how can i know it doesnt help or work or makes me wanna draw if i havent even tried it. so i already have stuff so im not allowe dt get new things or nicer things.

except a new desk would atleast let me clean my room properly and itd give me more space and maybe if i was allowed to do that id finally draw again us id have somewhere to put my art stuff and somewhere nice to sit. maybe itd make stuff easier and nicer for me?? is that not a good reason. especially considering everything else. im fuckign depressed, ive been for years and im only now starting to get a little better, i have a house i dont wanna fucking live in most of the time cus its just one big boring fucking chore and i cant even afford it. i cant even clean it properly or fix anything cus why bother, i dont wanna fucking be here i hate it here. it sucks and its lonely and its not even functional and nothing works and i cant even decide on a wallcolor without everyone else giving me their input whether i ask for it or not. i have 40k in an account and im not even allowed to look at it and i didnt even know i had it cus mom never fucking told me about it. i literally just wanna get rid of everything and start over and move somewhere and actually have a car and a job i enjoy that i actually get paid for and some mental stability so i can go to the job and get dishes and laudnry done without it being a fucking struggle every god damn time.

[westmansion]

just talking excuse me/

im seeing TOO MUCH lately about living and becoming who you want to be etc and i have so much planned if i could only get the push i need and im making the efforts to get it (medication that works, plans to move out etc etc) but i still feel like im just to passive about everything even in regard to getting help

like big plan no1 is medication to actually get me focused and to regain the ability to just DO STUFF cause i havent been able to just create or enjoy things normally in years because im just so out of it, its not a case of expectations anymore or worrying about skill its a literal block mental or otherwise and theres really no other answer at this point because its beyond me

big plan 2 is simply finally making my neocities becuase i can feel that making that place to finally put out all the stuff thats in my head will do so much for me even if its just fan stuff at first but i can feel that it will sincerely help me regain some portion of my life lost to being too worried about my art being bad and being embarrassed to talk etc etc etc, i just genuinely cannot get past the first step cause i cannot focus long enough, theres plenty of refs and help for coding and the like but its just me being unable to focus and process it and sticking to it that has me stuck

ANYWAYS im not entirely sure why im writing all this or who im talking to it might be this new "shift" cause the internets falling apart and i feel bad about potential friends i couldve had or things ive couldve done, none of its really lost forever but it is still a significant period of time that ive lost because ive just become passive and nothing else

saying aloud to anyone or everyone i apologize for being just so passive towards everything and everyone all of these years, its my own fault for not doing a thing, me being stuck is no one elses problem but my own but i cant deny that its the reason for it, i sat for too long thinking "once i get there then i can actually be myself" as if having something to show for myself is required to be a person, planning on being a person and actively engaging only AFTER having something worth showing to others isnt how anything works, ive never been uninterested in anyone who gave me a chance ive cared this whole time and i'll miss them forever but i cant blame anyone but myself if they up and leave, i never did enough on my end and thats on me

again idk who im talking to and im not expecting to be forgiven (forgiven by who?? idk whats going on lel) but im just saying it aloud in some sort of way, im working on it and will always be working on it

[crystal-iceblossomxjackfrost4evr]

Tw manipulative Parental unit bullshit/my sociopathic tendencies towards said parental unit/ and small death stuff in the past/small mention of suicidal thoughts in thr past

So like i maybe go off like a villain here. Sending herw to send link to my megamind server buds. Uhm but yeaaa sorry if u didnt realize yet i can be quite crazy when it comes to real assholes like this guy. And i have no love whatsoever for child abusers /manipulators in anyway, shape, form or fashion.

Background: Only mental,emotional financial and phsyical type of abuse happened to me. Nothing rated M/E other then objectification for modeling. I have adhd and possibly many others including autism,anxiety, and recently thinking cptsd

Uh rant below

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:readmore:

||So like TELL ME WHY this mans asked me TWICE NOW trying to bribe me to vome home and take care of his dumb ass

He has no working arms and i feel b

Pity im not completely heartless but i also laugh my ever fucking ass off cuz its his own karma hitting him

Its been damn near 3 years (1.5-2 since his accident) and hes STILL TRYING TO MAKE ME COME BACK

BITCH I RAN AWAY WITH 8 SUITCASES AND NOTHING ELSE WHYYYYYY

WHYYYYY WOULD I COME BACK TO UR NARCISSITIC MANIPULATIVE ASSANINE BULLSHIT

UR BEING SWEET and adoraaable and all "ohhh i love u princess. I wish u back princess. Im cryinnnng princess. Ill pay u 3600 a month! Ill pay 4000! A month!"

NO

NO

NO

I COULD BE PAID 14 GODDAMN GRAND A MONTH UR A LIAR

U will absolutely become a hellish monster again once im back in ur clutcges and im honestly cackling like a sociopath

This fucker has made me go full sociopath anime villain ass tendrncies. 0ne wrong step and i couldve been goddamn loki or deadpool in the real world im not kidding!!

If i got STUCK in the pandemic with this HO one of us would e died

One of us wouldve died.

I mainly kept tellin the doctors to leave him alive cuz i felt bad. I knew hed want to. I need SOMEONE to take care of the house (im broke af) and i wanna get life insurance to get i dunno 1k, 10k, 50k, 100k SOMETHING out of him.

And hes useful in helping me with grocery and occasional actual money

Just SIGH sighh i do love him

.....Hah Ahahha

Okay i USE to love him. I just feel bad for the guy at this point. He lost his goddamn chance for me to love him when i had to cry my goddamn self to sleep every fucking night of highschool asking Whyyyy the fuck he and mama dont seem to care. Even after saying my suicidal tendencies. Even after so many instances of me being angry beyonf measure. So many instances of abusing me even after mama (gramma) died. Even to the point where i legit was feeling insane from LACK OF QLEEP CUZ HE WONT TURN DOWN THE STUPID BASS

I cant stannnnnnnnnnnd bass anymore. Any bass in a speaker in a neighbors house i cant deal with.

Ppl yelling at me i cant deal with.

I dont think i can legit EVER fully live on my own without someone to at the least help me take care of thr house, appointments, paperwork and signing up or filling out things and spiders (sever phobia tht he neverrr helped)

Im 90% sure all of my diagnosis are 10000 or more % worse if not outright caused by him besides my adhd and autism

And even after all tht.

Alll the crying. All the screaming silently. All the manipulation. And abuse until he fucked my head around sideways and inside out

HE STILL THINKS ID EVERRRRR WANT TO GO BACK

im on low contact for "wow your life sucks" ahahajaha reasons just cuz i call u a couple times a month or two and we get along on the phone (cuz i laid down the tule if he starts yelling imma hang the eff up and or he starts blaming me imma sob story him till he shuts up) does not mean i will ever EVER live with him again

And if i even EVER THINK ABT GOING BACK its because i miss my house and old life i can never have and if i ever reallly think abt going back to him. My bog brother. My roommate, my bonus mother and prolly both besties would slap me upside the head or knock me out or tie me down and ask what the ever loving fucks wrong with me!!!

Jeezus christ! "I thought ud at least think abt it!" I THOUGHT ABT it for 23 yeaaaaars before i managed to get away u crazy man

No!

And even if i did I CANT TAKE CARE OF PPL i get grossed out touchin the hair tht combs off when i comb my own head.

I get grossed out at taking care of my own body

I get grossed out or shut down at the littlest of things tht even miss or roomie go WHY ARE U HAVING TRBL. Becauseee of himmmm. He made damn sure i would have to rely on ppl for the rest of my life which sets me up poorly to everrrr take care of him. Id rven told mama someone else would have to take care of herr. Id hire and pay someone but I. CANT. DO. IT.

So boo hoo sad story feels bad man but u made sure id have these fucking problems and dig ur grave and i wanna just scream at him to just lie in it nowwwww but i still need him and need to make sure he wont eff me in selling thr house tht mama for some reason only gave me half of. And maybe bribe him to keep my stuff in storage till im stable with a job again Ugh ;*; ||

Tw manipulative Parental unit bullshit/my sociopathic tendencies towards said parental unit/ and small death stuff in the past/small mention of suicide thoughts in the past

[hindusuggestion]

When was being Hindu not "a bit tricky" with regard to the casteism, religious intolerance, and subjugation of women? Has there been a time in history like that? Do you think there will be one in the future? How will that come about?

ive been thinking abt this question all day. caste has been kinda tricky for me bc 1) my parents and I were born in Malaysia (not to say tht the south asian community there hasnt brought over caste but i feel like its somewhat diluted?) 2) ive lived the majority of my life in america and my parents wasted absolutely no time at all in assimilating,, so i never rly understood what my traditions were, let alone if it were caste based. 

from what (little) ive read of Dr Ambedkar, he seems to say tht the mix of the dharmashastras and casteist injunctions plus the belief in divine beings perpetuates caste. he also says that hindus dont mean to be casteist, its just a part of their religion, and they are casteist bc they are religious. im not sure if thts a fair representation of his beliefs, so i apologize. 

i would like to think that under the Jain and Buddhist rulers, caste was less of a problem, just given the fact tht it was the basis of those religions. even under the Muslim rulers, i like to think that it was a little better, given that i dont think caste wouldve been compliant w the Shari’a (but idk there couldve been rulings perpetuating caste bc it would make the population easier to control maybe? haven’t read to much abt it). from what ive read (which i dont think is enough) caste became the issue it is today bc the british w the help of the uppercaste Hindus had exploited it as a division, along w religion (but ofc i could and most likely am wrong)

i think, according to Dr. Ambedkar, we’re going to have to get read of ‘’’Hinduism’’’’. from what i understand, Hinduism is made up of the corpus of the dharmashastras, like how Christianity is based in the Bible. the shastras necessarily talk abt and factor in and perpetuate caste. therefore, they have to be done away with. im not sure if this includes the Vedas, as the one sukta that actually refers to caste (the Purusha Sukta) was a later addition according to linguists, aka brahmins literally putting words in the mouth of God to justify and consolidate power. that sukta also must go. basically anything and everything that mentions caste must be burned.

that still leaves us with quite a lot tho; the Upanishads, the Aranyakas, quite a few Puranas (tho there would def have to be a lot of rewriting ofc). most of this stuff is transcendental knowledge which (from what i understand) doesnt rly factor in caste. so tht, i think, is what ‘’’Hinduism’’’ would have to be.

wrt to religious intolerance and the subjugation of women; i think thts the same problem almost all religions have. as in, there r followers who r more tolerant and less misogynistic than others, based on their personal beliefs and the interpretations of their texts. also, smth tht i feel is a little unique to Hinduism is how regional it is (this is also present in other religions ofc, but from what i understand, not the extent of Hinduism? bc other religions have central canons, but we dont) i kno tht for example in Kerala the Nairs use(d) a matrilineal, matrilocal, and matrifocal family system. conversely, the practice of sati (again, from what ive read) is mostly a northern thing. tht is, ive never heard of anyone in the south practicing smth like tht (although im sure there mustve been some incidents of tht). so i think the key thing would be to move away from shastras, and more towards our regional cultures, and clip away the traditions that dont have merit

[pepprs]

ok um. literally fucking pain and suffering. mutuals i need ur advice vote now on your phones 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭