#im tired of being unable to fix myself

[silvershayde]

I have made an executive decision.

I am removing tumblr off of my phone.

Amongst other things. Can’t say I’m happy, sad or anything like that cause, well, I don’t have a good understanding of my own emotions. But I know that I am not okay. Like at all. With how i am and how my life is going, I mean. I basically need to get my shit together.

And I believe the first step is logging off. Cause Tumblr is a nice reprieve right, but I’ve reached a stage where I get off of Tumblr to immediately go back on it and that is not good. I’m going to delete it and my only access to tumblr would be through my laptop but ik im too lazy to go onto my laptop to log on to tumblr. Also my laptop is always dead for some reason so there’s also that.

I’m cutting off a lot of stuff, need to touch some grass so to speak. Maybe even go back to my roots. Not everything obviously, I don’t want to accidentally go insane having no sources of serotonin. They say it takes like 66 days to form a habit, well I’m not putting tumblr amongst other things back on my phone until its november/december. There’s too many things I need to tackle and I’m spiralling. I need to take it a day at a time.

So yeah. I guess that means I’m going on a semi-hiatus. I’m trying to be better and trying to stick to things. But in order to do that I really need to minimise distractions. Which is hard. Really hard. I’m cutting myself off from music too. Just so I can stop my brain from distracting myself. Which sucks. But I need to start somewhere right?

In like an hour or so, tumblr will be off my phone and this hiatus will begin. I’ll see ya’ll whenever. Its been fun!

[topherwrites]

pls pls elaborate singing in the shower & spy au im so curious!! <3

"Singing in the Shower" is the tentative title for a shower sex jake fic with too much plot added in.

here's a snippet from the rough draft under the cut, 18+ only:

His voice takes on a familiar tone, the same one from flight school when he’d be picking apart why a maneuver didn’t work, or more specifically why someone else had failed at it. Like your inability to orgasm tonight is just an engineering problem. A little math, a little grease, and he can fix this. “What isn't working?” “Well, every time I get close I remember whose dick is in me.” He rolls his eyes, his voice taking on a bored tone, “We’ve established that you do not hate me enough for that." You stay silent, refusing to admit that you do not, in fact, hate him enough to deny yourself an orgasm. He hasn't done anything genuinely hackles-raising in some time, having toned down at least twenty percent of his dickishness, so there's less active resentment being worked out while you're fucking.  It's easy and fun being with him. Oh god, you like seeing his texts light up your phone. You enjoy his purposively bad sexts, that you're sure he only sends so you'll come over and fuck him to get him to stop. You come to the horrifying, jarring conclusion that he may very well be your friend, sort of. Fuck. Biting your lip, you amend, “Fine, maybe it's not that.” “I gathered.” He nudges you, “I can tell something’s going on up there, wanna fill me in?” “No.” You admit with a little sigh, “I don't know.” “Well, I'm tired, so we’re just going to sit here.” “Sorry, my pussy is broken today.” Your phrasing draws a little stomach-tensing laugh out of him, eyes creasing as he looks at you. His perfectly calloused palms slide up and down your thighs. His lips are curved into a soft little smile. “It’s fine.” “You can just…” your eyes focus on a water droplet on his collarbone, eyebrows jumping in allusion, unable to really say it, “if you want to.” He catches the implication; he can just get off and be done with it if he wants. Annoyance twists his features, his brow furrowing, though it doesn't feel wholly directed at you. “Jesus, I can feel myself getting soft,” he scoffs, “You're not a fleshlight.” And you actually can feel him start to lose his erection under you.

The spy au I'm currently working on came about mostly cause I saw Greg Tarzan Davis in the newest Mission Impossible and simply couldn't help myself. I also love spy stuff, I've always been intrigued by media that had spies in it since I was a kid. I grew up watching the Bond movies and shows like Nikita, Covert Affairs, Burn Notice, and Chuck. Most of which have a decidedly more pg or pg-13 tone than my au.

I'm planning on it being a few different interconnected series (maybe?).

All of their call signs and the nicknames for the reader are codenames in this.

So, an agent who was previously presumed dead, Spectre, she and Jake, aka Hangman, were partners and after her death he was never really the same. He's been on desk duty for the past two years.

Bob, an analyst on the team, was asked by Jake to put an indefinite facial recognition alert for her. So it kicks off with him getting a hit for her in London. The Operations Manager, Mav, brings Bradley onto the case, ordering him not to tell Jake about the revelation until they know more, and sending him to London to track Spectre down.

There in London, to play nice with a foreign government and give the impression that they respect jurisdiction, he's teamed up with an MI5 agent, Rook.

Shit spirals from there.

here's a snippet:

A last wet little gurgle leaves his throat as he goes still, his eyes left staring toward nothing. His head hangs back limply, red clinging to the corners of his slack mouth, the viscera of his throat exposed. Blood rhythmically drips to the floor. The pool grows beneath him. This sort of thing used to shake you, now you just follow a well-run routine, not necessarily numb, but devoid of the emotions doing something as grotesque as this should provoke. Violence should stir, you know this, you used to be stirred by it.  The first time you killed someone it was sloppy and panicked, you cried afterward. Mav sealed it with the stamp of self-defense, a good kill, but it didn't rid you of the lingering feeling of being damned. Maybe, the last vestiges of growing up catholic. You used to be a mourner, silently giving them their last rights, knowing the weight of every life. A witness to people’s final drawn breaths. Now, you're a butcher. You don't leave the blood for long, scrubbing your hands in the sink before it settles and dries in the cracks.

[species-dysphoria]

I really think im utterly incapable of understanding romantic or sexual attraction. I even struggle to understand platonic feelings.

I know that being autistic has a big effect on that but I honestly think that being nonhuman is a bigger part of it. I've never really felt a connection to humans (or ig those i perceive as human) when they've tried to befriend me. I've never had any interest in having deeper friendships or anything beyond acquaintances. Even as a pup, the only friends I ever had were because they continued to seek me out so I allowed them to stick around. I tried to engage in the things I thought they wanted from me but eventually, they all realized I was unstable and lost interest in me. idk why I even tried. I just thought that that's what the human wanted from me. so I tried even though I knew I didn't understand.

I've tried to force myself into romantic and sexual relationships in hopes of somehow fixing myself. This was far before I had actually accepted my nonhumanity. During this period, I was repressing all those feelings and forcing myself to "normal". but it was obvious that I had no idea what I was doing nor did I actually want to be in these relationships. I pushed those feelings away though and forced myself to stay. I wanted so badly to be "fixed" and to be considered "normal".

eventually, the humans realized I was incapable of giving what they needed. they secretly grew tired of me. told me I was a freak for not experiencing the "proper" emotions and that I was too much to handle. they greatly disliked that I didn't like to be physically touched either. even though they had told me to my face that they didn't mind. they told me that they didn't mind I was asexual. but in the end, it was an issue. and they both ended up going behind my back and cheating on me. I finally ended those relationships after I found out they had secretly resented me for a long time..

I don't blame them. I'm a creature who is unable to understand how to feel those kinds of emotions. I understand that now. I know now that I'm not made to fill those sorts of roles. I'll do whatever else the humans want me to do but I can't provide those sorts of things.

...I wish I had learned that sooner. to save all the trouble I caused and all the trauma I collected.

this aspect of me makes me feel very isolated from others. I have no interest in a mate or to have pups. in general...I just wish to be left alone.

[yakisabajanai]

okay good news i made a spreadsheet for my finances so im more prepared for autopays and after rent when i have $70 for a week

medium news raccoon had to go to the vet and she has a common issue should be fixed w 1 more antibiotic shot hopefully but the first visit was almost $200 and she has two more so thats an expensive butthole

bad news i had to reschedule an important dr appt i made 2 months ago to november (earliest time available) but i will likely be losing my insurance in September and have no eta on being able to get insurance w my job

i will also lose my phone service then and when i tried to switch previously i had a genuinely awful experience and also have less money now

thats also around the time the stay for my student loans ends, idk if theyll be as lenient next yr and waive mandatory monthly payments as ive only been able to pay $200 this year and interest for 4 different loans (i didnt know i had until the end of last year) has just been racking up

im also having anxiety attacks more often mostly bc of money concerns and mortality of beings other than myself (mostly my pets and partners)

also feeling kind of unable to do anything. tired all the time but thats normal hard to start things also used to but like cant stop worrying about things not in a way that makes me panic but in a way that makes my brain feel kind of frozen

[bleuberrygliscor]

look not to be that bitch. but i spent years of my life in therapy.

i spent years doing things, reading books, trying to fucking fix my own brain due to my body's really cool way of building up tolerance to my medications. Flip flopping between drugs, between therapists, between group therapy locations, between coping mechanisms both "healthy" and "wildly fucking harmful".

i spent blood, money, and tears on CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) because the years of talk therapy i did never helped me heal (and im sure my therapist that i lovingly refer to as Miss M got tired of watching me trigger myself trying to explain my fucked up brain). and Neither of those things worked for me. it was fucking crushing going to group, week after week, and watching people who lost spouses, lost jobs, actively threatened to kill themselves, get better and stop coming. to attend an anxiety group session only to have the therapist attempt to remodel one of the exercises in real time due to me being unable to close my eyes for more than a minute, playfully commenting about me cracking the arm of the plastic chair from gripping it so tightly. to watch a rotating cast for almost a year, and still be the only one left, passing them on the way to the pharmacy on the first floor and hearing that they've been doing better. the pure jealousy in watching people who were, by all accounts, fucking worse than me, recovering and yet here i was, getting some other ssri to try for the next six weeks and hope my manic episode doesnt freak out my friends.

but i figured out something recently.

i have been journaling for years, since 2002, very infrequently, at the behest of my second therapist. he suggested that writing things down would be best for me. He was very fucking wrong. i hated doing it. it just made me feel worse, lamenting my dull life, tired of writing that i did the same 3 things again today (went to school - did homework - slept). so i joined journaling subreddits and communities later on, and to the surprise of no one i hated it even more with the added competition from people who wrote nicer than i did, took better notes, led interesting lives, when my highlight was "i downloaded an mp3 from mp3bee today and i didnt get rickrolled :D". but this month (literally the last 3 days) ive been scrapbooking instead. and not just that, I've not even been talking about the nothing that i do, literally today was a nightvale quote, and im excited to do something tomorrow.

This is a really long fucking tangent, but my point is that i spent years trying to be everyone else, trying to do the shit that works for other people, and never doing the shit that works for me. fuck i didnt even know it worked for me until Tuesday of this fucking week.

Maybe opening a window, or changing you pjs doesnt help you, but something out there will. youre worth the time it takes to find it.

[snoring-dragon-productions]

shit’s bad. it’s really bad. i’m so goddamn exhausted from EVERYONE’S ( family ) bullshit and being the ONly Fucking Person who seems like they’re capable or trying to keep it together. to the point where maybe I’m the one with unrealistic expectations. Maybe I’m being too emotionally-detached ( i say, while literally being unable to stop crying dfjfngdfjk ) when I’m pointing out everyone’s sides and the good/bad shit they are doing and trying to stop it all from spiraling into the usual bullshit of raised voices and yelling and shutting down— I try to mediate but it doesn’t do anything. I’m apparently not saying any shit that’s worth saying. Maybe I’m too logical about this shit, or try to be. Maybe I’m the weird one. It sure feels that way right now djskgndfgdf

I just- dont know why we cant say shit without it turning into all of This. Why people can’t stop letting things snowball Every Single Time. I get it. Emotions and other factors are at play. Tension is high. Things are shitty and everyone KNOWS they are and they feel it and they want to change it ( i have to believe they want to change it ) but it always ends like this. And I feel like SHIT because I know the best thing would be to smile and chill and act like it’s okay because everything should have blown over and i can tell that’s what some people are trying to do but I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. I just want to be alone where it’s quiet and just me and I dont want to smile I don’t want to have a Good Time right now I don’t want to be happy but they need me to be and I should but I don’t WANT TO BE. 

And it’s selfish of me to cling to these feelings but i just want to be allowed to feel them for a moment and feel them on my terms and have a day where i can just be with ME and just fuck I needed a day and i haven’t gotten it in a while and i just want one. but i don’t want to cause anymore hurt than is already happening and i know it’ll get misconstrued but i just want to try and detox and i can’t if i’m stuck surrounded by all this forced normalcy 

sorry, i just needed to type things out and let it flow unhindered because im just- i dont even know. everyone is right and wrong and i can’t fix it if they don’t do anything to help but i’m soaking in ALL of the shit like a sponge and i can’t even wring myself out without potentially making it worse and i’m tired. I’m so Tired. I don’t even want to post this honestly because it’s such a rambling string of internal shit but i’ll allow myself This much and then see where it goes from there.

[amber-gimlet]

I'm so so fucking tired of having my life and what I'm allowed to enjoy and put myself towards get fucking dictated to me by my goddamn mental illness I love adhd I love tasks not existing unless a deadline is breathing down my neck I love being unable to do what I love even when I actively want to do it because I can't focus I love being completely fucked in learning anything that requires consistency, practice, or effort without instant gratification I love being an inflexible fuck up who treads water and leeches off her circle without ever being able to progress

even if they're helping with some things I hate how much fucking money I'm paying for these meds and I still feel like this and I still can't function and I have to wonder if it is even possible to ever be better and feel like I'm control of my own life instead of a passive observer to a very slow and lounging trainwreck

this was literally so simple to do, I have two weeks to do something that took an hour of work, I had all of this morning to do it on my own computer and hit a wall, and realize I'd need to ask the instructor to stay a little later to help me figure it out instead of sitting here an hour till midnight with an issue I don't know how to fix writing this instead of troubleshooting because everytime I try to sit down with it my attention and focus fucking slides off it like nothing else

im so tired of not being able to move forward because my own brain won't let me. im. so fucking tired.

I feel like there's a growing debt to everyone and everything I've ever known and interacted with that I'll never be able to repay because I'll never fucking do anything except sit there and act cute while slowly burning through all value invested in me with nothing to show for it.

and I still can't even START trying new meds until fucking january and why does this assignment have no partial credit, fuck off with your stupidly stringent intro course asshole fall off your damn horse.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW agoraphobia

hello! im just looking for some kind words and maybe some resources or advice if you have them.

I was doing some reading and I think I might have agoraphobia. I always thought it was just fear of leaving your house like tv/movies make it out to be, but after reading more about it, all the symptoms of it fit me perfectly.. I always thought I couldn't have it because I can leave the house by myself, but only within a very small bubble and to very specific places without triggering a panic attack. I don't know why its so shocking to me that I probably have it since I show so many obvious signs of it, but it is and im trying not to have an anxiety attack about it rn 😅 I don't know, maybe it's the thought that I have something *else* wrong with me alongside the other mental conditions (gad, social anxiety, cptsd, depression) but being unable to fix them is just overwhelming or something.. my life is so screwed up by mental illness and I keep trying to fight against it but its so hard and so exhausting and my efforts seem to always be in vain. these things will just never go away and I have to live with them for the rest of my life..

anywho, im just so tired of everything and I wish my life wasn't such a struggle. thank you for listening, I can't really talk about this with anyone in my microscopic social circle, so I appreciate what you all do here and that you give people like me a space to talk and seek advice and comfort. thank you

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Please know you're not alone.

I don't know if you've seen this, but you may be interested in this article on how to cope with agoraphobia. I'm going to copy paste an excerpt that you might find particularly useful:

Stay where you are – try to resist the urge to run to a place of safety during a panic attack; if you're driving, pull over and park where it's safe to do so.

Focus – it's important for you to focus on something non-threatening and visible, such as the time passing on your watch, or items in a supermarket; remind yourself the frightening thoughts and sensations are a sign of panic and will eventually pass.

Breathe slowly and deeply – feelings of panic and anxiety can get worse if you breathe too quickly; try to focus on slow, deep breathing while counting slowly to 3 on each breath in and out.

Challenge your fear – try to work out what it is you fear and challenge it; you can achieve this by constantly reminding yourself that what you fear is not real and will pass.

Creative visualisation – during a panic attack, try to resist the urge to think negative thoughts, such as "disaster"; instead, think of a place or situation that makes you feel peaceful, relaxed or at ease: once you have this image in your mind, try to focus your attention on it.

Do not fight an attack – trying to fight the symptoms of a panic attack can often make things worse; instead, reassure yourself by accepting that although it may seem embarrassing and your symptoms may be difficult to deal with, the attack is not life threatening.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[grimmthorne]

it makes me so angry that pmdd can only be helped or fixed by medication and surgery and tracking hormone cycles. and all the advice cycles around "well track your hormone cycle! take these antidepressants!" as if im not trying really hard to track things, as if making a psychiatrist appointment isn't fucking terrifying. and then there's people who talk about ways their partner accommodates them during their cycles but like, I can't track mine perfectly, because it's weird and I can't figure out why some months it feels like nothing and the next month I feel like I need to be on psychiatric hold. and asking for any help during this is just, I don't know, it's just annoying and I hate it. I hate when people need to accommodate me. I don't like feeling like I need to bend the rules of things to get through them. I don't like being unable to keep a fucking hold on myself and feeling like a fuse about to blow. and these advice people don't consider that both you and your partner might be mentally ill outside of just pmdd too, that you might be chronically ill, etcetcetc. it's just tiring dude. but I don't know where or when or the if's of getting a hysterectomy. like, I'm going to deal with it and it'll be fine I guess but one of these days it's going to make me explode I think.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 9.19.24

Dear Diary,

It's been a good little minute. I will admit I have been through trials and tribulations all of August but I am truly trying to not let it deter me from the things I want from this life. I have no idea what my life will look like in the next 6 months let alone the next 6 months. I'm not going to lie I have been super angry this month. Like fucking pissed the fuck off, as I am typing I can still feel the anger on my heart. But I have plans to fix this. Since I am unable to move out and live on my own, I've decided I will shake the fucking table, not even a subtle rattle actually.

I have been having a hard time with work life balance and somewhere along the way gained 8 whole pounds... LMAO but thats okay I guess my clothes still fit. Work has been kicking my ass and I swear I almost had a fucking breakdown, like I am actually happy I still have my job right now LOL. NO money/business gone, so I guess Im alright. I am just having a hard time managing my emotions, my health, my jealousy, it been tough. I've never really experienced jealousy like this before.. but i think its more so who im jealous of. I just think that I will get what I need when I need it. I am unsure of why I can't have it right now or why I don't need it right now but either way.. it's just not my time clearly.

The time just goes by so fast. I recently realized that I should stop reducing my life to just a weekend and start doing shit after work, but I be so fucking tired Diary!! So tired. I look forward to bed rotting, I do. But I would love to just live instead dedicate 25 years of my life to screen time (socials - not including TV shows/movies) I wish that hobbies and going out wasn't so expensive..

Speaking of expenses I want to take a solo trip to Boston. The weekend I was aiming for is a holiday weekend and I didn't realize it before but the prices were diabolical. Anyway, I'm planning for a different weekend instead of the last week of august (LABOR DAY WEEKEND)

I am going to try to plan out some things I'd like to do for the rest of the year and then try to book some trips for next year. I am really hoping next year can be all the things I wanted this year to be. I just truly put no thought into this year outside of looking for a job, and then I got it and I was like DAMN wasn't expecting that so soon LOL.

I need to start romanticizing my life again. I was looking over memories of last year and though I had my moments, I truly was the happiest I'd ever been and even though I have everything, I am still mildly miserable. Okay I am lying, it's not mild. I am very miserable actually. But I am not a miserable person. I am loving, and kind, and soft hearted, but I have not been acting like it and have begun to lose myself in my misery, especially my home life.

Apart of me wants to go back to being wild and reckless, though reckless I still had a wonderful time and learned a lot. I don't need the recklessness to learn.

So here are some things I need to do in the next 6 months:

Lost 10-15 pounds

Find a doctor

Find a dentist

Book Solo trip to Boston

Plan my little birthday dinner

Have fall events lined up

Choose 5 places to go next year and start planning that

Trying to figure out what masters degree I want / where I want to go for school

Start to visualize anniversary gifts

[veins-n-wires]

My emotions keep flipping over and over and over within seconds without a break. I’m so exhausted. Nothing is triggering it. It just won’t stop. Im playing games blasting music existing, then pausing to silent scream cry because my head won’t shut up, to numb staring, to back to games, to my head reliving every trauma, to imagining scenarios, to mentally cutting everyone off, to numb and empty, not being able to hold enjoyment in anything.

I’m tired.

Who can I even tell other than the void? No one will understand. It’ll turn into arguments of some sort of people thinking they did something wrong. It’s me, I’m what’s wrong. Then I’ll just get told to get help which is so much easier said than done. I don’t have a car, a job, health insurance. Online therapy is a scam. I can’t even trust therapists because of their authority over me being able to involuntarily hospitalize so I’m unable to trust them/tell them anything because my brain convinces me they’re against me and my bad experiences. Can’t tell anyone that though because that’s automatically labeled an excuse and I just “don’t want help” and want to “be like this forever”. Idk why I’d complain if I didn’t want anything to do with this. I’d love a medication to fix me, I’d be on it for the rest of my life despite almost all side effects it could give me. I have thought about electroshock therapy and decided if that was ever suggested and said to fix me I’d jump on it. It’s not like I’m not desperate. I just can’t be hospitalized. Friends have gotten irreversibly worse from it. Family has gotten irreversible PTSD damage from it with triggers that don’t even need to be related to hospitals. All I can think about is me disappearing into one and that’s when my elderly cat, my sole reason for continuing to live, dies. All I can think about is her thinking abandoned her in her last little thoughts. I get told that’s an excuse too. I’m too paranoid of things for sure, but none of it is about me being afraid of getting better.

Every month it seems I start searching for legit online therapy again. Legit online testing for various mental health problems so I can finally know what other than depression and anxiety I have, if anything, and how to cope whether it be with medications or whatever else. I try and search for the dumb sites like HERS that will just prescribe me shit. It’s all so expensive or too sketchy. I’m just so tired. I feel so alone in searching. I ask for help but I’m left with “I don’t know” “it’s not my job” “you need to be independent” people don’t even see my face or posts or typing changes and see something is wrong. I hardly hide it anymore. On public socials I repost about how depressed I am. I don’t talk to hardly anyone anymore. I hardly leave my house. I hardly play games with others. You can see how little I listen to music. I don’t post art anymore because I just can’t get myself to do it. There’s endless obvious signs I’m disintegrating as a person and everyone’s just walking by forcing me to beg to look at me disappointed for asking. It feels like no matter how I handle anything I’m in the wrong and a disappointment in some way or another. I’m tired of telling people how to love me and especially tired of them still not doing it.

I am going to be lonely surrounded by people my entire life. My body is giving out. Idk how deeper into feeling tired my body can handle. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have no personality other than every human emotion at 100% every second of everyday so intense that eventually it’s numbing. Like sticking your hand in hot water and getting used to how it feels to where it doesn’t even burn anymore but you know it’s still hurting you.

I’m so tired.

[thatonesystemig]

Im tired of fighting. I have to fight every single day to get out of the chair i sleep on when i do sleep. I have to fight to stay awake for days just so i wont see horrifying memories and thoughts in my nightmares. Tbh i think if nightmare meds ain’t helping they may classify as night terrors idfk.

I wish I didn’t have to sleep in the chair. Well I don’t have to but I’ve been kicking and punching my fiance in my sleep from the fucking nightmares. Fighting off the people in it when I couldn’t fight them off when it happened.

I hate having did. I hate that it makes me vulnerable around people that will abuse that shit and idk who to fucking trust anymore. I’m even having trouble trusting my fiance and my new family despite them treating me better than anyone else has ever done, being so patient with me and understanding.

I’ve been avoiding staying at home because i cant fucking let anyone see me like this. What if it happens again. What if i switch again and cant control it again and im fucking taken advantage of again.

I trusted them with my whole soul and it still fucking happened and I didn’t even fucking remember everything until way later and i fucking hate myself for it. At least i know the did isn’t just in my head but holy fucking shit.

Its my own damn fault for thinking i could trust anyone to be around me when im that fucked in the head and unable to control myself

I hate living with all these fucking disorders if I wasn’t so fucked up in the head and hadn’t been so weak and vulnerable it wouldn’t have happened.

I can never allow myself be that vulnerable again.

But god im so tired of being strong. I just want to cry around the people that care. I want to open up to them and lean on them and have them shower me in all the love they’ve showered me with when i was going through psychosis. but. Im so afraid. Instead i bitch here.

Besides, leaning on people too much was what made them resent me and see me as this monster.

This is what i get for putting the stress on someone else to fix me when I couldn’t fix myself

Now i have to fix myself.

But at least this whole situation has given me the drive to do so. I’m able to mask better.

But im falling apart in the process. I smoke about a pack a day since i cant smoke weed to numb myself anymore.

I’m getting legally married on Friday if shit happens like it’s supposed to. I’m supposed to be starting college for graphic design this fall. I have a lot to look forward to. But the pain from the trauma makes me constantly wonder what the point in living is if i constantly have to keep my head occupied just so the flashbacks and thoughts don’t set in.

Like what’s the point in living if it’s just constant suffering lmao. Whats the point in living if i cant even be myself around the people i love out of fear anymore. Fear of resentment, getting taken advantage of, being given up on yet him forcing himself to stay with me out of obligation.

Fake it till you make it ig amirite

Someone please tell me it’ll get easier. I know it wont but the lies would comfort me right now because maybe i can convince myself it’s true. Idk.

[cripple-cat]

screaming into the void about my personal issues for a moment

i know how to be independent

i am repeatedly prevented from being independent

i love my mom but her love for me is still tied to me being unable to live without her, which hasnt been true since i was nine. her boyfriend thinks i dont know anything about the world and cant think or do anything for myself because im disabled and his girlfriends kid. when i lived with my dad before he threw me away like fucking garbage, i was almost entirely supporting myself and my pets because he absolutely refused to support me. i paid that man rent. i am an adult man.

i am repeatedly prevented from being independent, and then villified for not being independent.

i am grateful that my mom is supporting me while i get my degree, but i never asked her to. she has always wanted me to get a college education and now i am, and it makes me dependent on her, therefore she loves me. shes not even paying my tuition or anything actually college related, she made me take on student loans, and i will be saddled with that debt for the rest of my life because she was unwilling to let me work for a couple years while letting her foot the bill for me for everything else so i could save up. i have a life-long debt that i will never pay off because of her need to make me dependent on her.

i didnt learn to drive from either of my parents. my dad is a shitbag, so i obviously didnt learn from him. my mom screamed and panicked and struck me in the chest because she was so afraid of me driving. i only drove with her three times before i just couldnt safely do it anymore. the only other time i drove with her was the first time i drove on the road. it was in a fucked up that couldnt accelerate past 45mph, could not hard brake, had no rear view mirror, and had a steering wheel that had to make two full turns before the tires would even think about turning. she was spasming and possibly having a stroke in the passenger seat. we were moving to a new place. it was traumatizing. i learned to drive through trial by fire with one person who doesnt know how to drive and isnt licensed and another person who was drunk 90% of the time. i didnt need my mom. she was the reason it took me so long to learn to drive and is still the reason im afraid to drive on the interstate.

she doesnt take care of my pets unless im not home for whatever reason, which is almost never, because she has made me dependent upon her for transport. i have to take care of her dogs a lot because she and her boyfriend keep forgetting to feed and water them at the right times. i clean up after them, i feed and water them, i take them outside. the only thing i dont do with them is play because i fucking hate dogs! i have to take care of dogs when i hate dogs!

her goddamn boyfriend keeps acting like im incapable of doing things until the moment he thinks something should already be done and im clearly the only one who can do it, even if im busy with something else. this is a man who did not know you have to use hot water to wash dishes, so clearly he just cant understand the concept of "im busy right now, ill either get to it tonight or tomorrow." he gets flustered and frustrated and starts yelling in the kitchen and slamming doors and doing things with excess aggression the moment i specifically inconvenience him. if its my mom it doesnt matter, but if its me he throws a tantrum. im the problem in all situations.

i have not been allowed to heal from any of my trauma because im held resoonsible for the feelings and trauma of others. when my mom has issues, i have to fix them and keeo her distracted and help her process and make her feel better. when her boyfriend has issues, im expected to suck it up and be gentle and understanding with him. when i have issues, im met with "weve all got problems, its not getting you out of this" or "youre not the only one with problems, im having a hard day, too" or even "no, youre gaslighting me." have you ever been gaslit by being accused of gaslighting? it is a bad fucking feeling.

im exhausted. im a disabled person, yes, in many ways, but i would not be dependent on anyone if i were allowed to be independent. i dont want to live like this. i cant fucking live like this. im so, so tired. this is the most coherent ive been in days.

sorry to anyone who reads this.

[guiltyadeleine]

sometimes

i cant speak, i cant speak, im sorry, im sorry

i dont know how to be anything but me, broken , so broken, i fake a smile to see, what you will do to me,

im cryin, im cryin, smiling , smiling cant you see, im broken,

im tired, so tired, im a broke lover, these bandages wont fix you, ill miss you but i cant just cant fix myself, miss me i wish we could love this feeling forever, i want to be with you, ill always miss you,

i dont wanna die, can you get me high, laugh in my face, i love this pain,

just come along, it wont be long, until we, fall in love,

its not a risk for you, id give it all, i can no matter what i am,

whispers in my ear its so clear, im in love with this feeling, of being alone, but im lost in your gaze,

stuck in a craze, i could be anything, but you wouldnt make me , you'd just let me be, me, make it real, if we could tell me you have nothing to say,

this merry go round, im trapped, but i love the sound, sometimes i need to stop, unable to breathe, i look the other way

pull me away, and ill stay i dont want answers, i just wanna say,

dear diary, i fell in love

[emoooooo]

دل شکن دوست!

I don't know what else to say, to call you, to remember you for.. All I am aware of is that your presence would probably not fix me, but your absence doesn’t help either. You were not a part of my life or a chapter of a book that i could just close and put on the top shelf of a dusty library of my heart, among other painful items. Even if i do that, i believe the earthquakes my soul encounters every now and then would make the books hidden on the top shelves fall most vigorously than anything else. And I am not in a place to pick up the glass shard-like memories by my own hands. I don’t feel alive, my love. And you used to say that I can rest in your arms whenever that happened.

Sometimes it is not that you are not near. That we never are, and I have made a little bit of peace with the fact that it is going to be that way for quite a while. But sometimes, just on some days. Or maybe on all of them little by little, I feel half alive. And the other part of me just doesn't feel alive and it also doesn't feel dead. It feels like it is in a coma. And what else would there be, to worry me of. I don't carry the problems and pains of the whole world in me. Perhaps of I could I don't think it would be the cause of so much pain. Only the pain of this love that is contained by my heart is too much for me to be in. How could I ever hold something more in my heart.

Dearest, you consume me. The grief of not being the absolute motivation that could keep you going, pains me to my core. And I don’t know what is the reason of that, i don’t know if your heart has found room to love other people or it is just a temporary setback in our connection. I don’t know if I should wait for you or all the love in my heart is to throw away somewhere. You brewed a very fresh cup of my love, like morning coffee and went. And I don’t know who could drink it other than you. I keep warming it up. But you don’t return. Every moment of everyday, I try to believe you might be on your way home, bringing snacks to have with the coffee. But you have lost your way to me. And I am hurting like hell.

Can you please come back before this pain infects every part of my heart and I become physically unable to generate love for you.

Today is our anniversary. The day I came to know you existed. The day i was intrigued. And when did that intrigue turn into love, im unsure. Perhaps it is love all this while. Hiding behind a curtain like a child who has broken his mother’s favorite vase. Waiting to be forgiven and found.

The thing I cannot forgive myself for however is for loving you to an extreme where the way back seems like walking on hot coals. I am so tired. Why have I loved you to the point of not returning. To the point where if i stop it becomes a suicide and when I continue it becomes a murder.

تم نے کیوں درد دیئے اے دوست

تم سے تو زمانے کا غم بانٹا تھا

تم بھی مُکر گئے ساتھ چلنے کو

تمہی کو تو اِس جہاں میں سب سے اپنا جانا تھا

My dearest, please do not break me. And do not lie to me. For I do have the energy to walk away from you for other reasons but not because you deceived the ocean of love I had for you. Sometimes I pray you find that love everywhere you go, even if it means not having to turn back to me. But sometimes.. I am assured, that no one in this universe could love you the way I did. And I don't want you to be miserable at all but I want you to miss that. I hope you miss the love I had for you.

You shatter my heart while I love you with all the shards

You let it bleed and I love you with every drop that leaks out of it

You move away and yet I miss you with every word, every morning, every night, every moon, every breath I draw

Yours and Hurting,

Emaan.

6 February, 2024.

[stardustspeedwayzoneact2]

im tired of feeling so worthless and im tired of knowing exactly whats wrong with me and im tired of needing help to fix myself but being unable to get help :/