#im tired of having critical thinking and having to make decisions based on that

[wc-confessions]

no disrespect to the ppl who worked on them but i have GOT to get this off my chest: serpent sol/sharpen your teeth/serpent and the stars is SO stupid and confusing my god. like ok yeah they have some of the most beautiful animation in any warriors maproject and i can tell the animators put a lot of love into it. but the story is so fucking confusing and so far removed from warrior cats that these may as well be original characters in their own story instead of some complicated undertale au ass shit

and yet whenever anyone ive seen say this publicly expresses this opinion u get former friends/supporters of cheeteh z (who distanced themselves from him immediately after the accusations against him came out but still continue to defend his work) coming out of the woodwork to say "errrmm this is actually rly rude to say bc cheeteh has done so much worse :/ :/ :/ ur just selfish/hating on him bc its the Popular Thing to hate on him now" or "ummm this is a WARRIOR CATS AU and ur getting mad at CHEETZ'S writing??? but canon is sooo much worse :/ kinda hypocritical" like YES!!! I KNOW CANON SUCKS!!! but ive seen so many incredible rewrites/original stories/aus based on this series that ARENT confusing messes!!! why is it Controversial to criticize cheetehs maps for being overly complicated/confusing??? bc multiple ppl worked on the animation??? im not attacking the ANIMATORS, im criticizing the STORY. i have nothing against the animators!!! their work is absolutely stunning!!!! but good animation does not make a warrior cats fan project good.

i used to be subscribed to cheetz bc i still think to this day that cowboy mapleshade is one of the best wc maps ive ever seen. and comparing it to the clusterfuck of bizarre au lore hes come up with over the past year you can see the major difference: you can actually TELL whats going on in cowboy mapleshade without having to read a goddamn script. if ur familiar w the books thats an added bonus. the serpent and the stars/cheetehverse stuff is just. a huge mess of bizarre storytelling decisions that even fans who are familiar w the books would have a hard time understanding at first glance. and just bc warriors itself is ALSO a messy series doesnt make it any better!!! im tired of ppl acting like the cheetehverse is immune to criticism just bc its based on warrior cats or bc a lot of ppl worked on it. my god i should be allowed to express my opinion on the work of a public figure in the fandom without being dogpiled by ppl who claim they dont support him anymore but get awfully offended whenever u criticize SatS's storytelling

anyway rant over. sorry that was long ive had these feelings bottled up for a rly long time LMAOOOO

[v-arbellanaris]

OK SOME OF MY THOUGHTS ON ABSOLUTION BELOW THE CUT!!!!

qwydion is so relatable. the bit where they were like "she can handle herself" [cuts to her running, screaming, crying] was very me in every fresh da pt of a new game i had EOFDJGKFDJGKDSFGJ. i also love her little "if you don't want him i'll have him" bit. AMAZING

i love roland and lacklon. like genuinely love them sm. theyre so sexy and i love them. 10/10 no complaints nothing to say at all

hira and miri were... interesting. i'm actually not 100% sold on them - mostly bc im a bit tired of bw always doing this kind of shit to their wlw; i also really hope they don't get celene/briala'd in da:d

rezaren and tassia were interesting. i really like how he was structured; he was clearly very inauthentic and manipulative from the start. i think he thinks he has genuine affection for tassia, and hira and neb, but it's clear from his interactions with tassia that it isn't true. he constantly & repeatedly uses her emotions against her to get her to capitulate or to think he's capitulating only to do whatever he wants anyway, without fear of consequence because he can always just keep using her feelings against her. narratively sound decisions from the start with his writing and a really interesting aspect, and you really start to see his face crumble when miri confronts him about the reality that they (her and neb) lived. and then to cement it with neb turning away from him at the end, to refuse to allow rezaren's gaslighting of reality... love that.

i also really love that hira's choice was based off a valid criticism of the inquisition lmao. the idea of the hope people had for change - real change - only to get... nothing. do i think it's realistic for hira to have expected the inquisition to go to war with tevinter? absolutely not, but that's the point. the inquisition was created, banking on the hopes of the people, but ultimately serving its own agenda. this was a criticism of the inquisition that went unchallenged, which is something i wasn't expecting. i'm still not entirely pleased with how hira's decision to ultimately not work with the inquisition was framed (esp w the implication that meredith is going to use the circulum, which requires blood magic sacrifice which seems a bit... out of character for her) but i'm interested in the fact that she was allowed to make that decision -- the decision not to forgive, to decide the oppressed lives of millions in tevinter meant it needed to be brought down -- rather than having bioware cave and have her be swayed in the end.

my gut feeling is still that da4 is going to revolve around pitting elves and mages against each other; specifically by focusing dreadwolf in tevinter, they can bypass any and almost all of the complications that there would be in this kind of argument in the rest of thedas, because mages are (usually) the ruling class in tevinter and specifically practice elven slavery. as you can imagine, i'm not keen on it.

i was also... really quite disappointed by by the presence of a circle tower with templars guarding the outside of it right at the very beginning. that, to me, implies cassandra as divine -- specifically because fairbanks comments on the divine in tevinter being a mage, which implies that the andrastian divine is not a mage. the presence of the circle's continued existence implies bw's canon is cassandra as divine which i expected already lmao. i knew they were just going to reset everything, but gloss over the entire purpose behind the mage-templar war (which funnily enough did not even get mentioned ONCE despite presumably only happening a handful of years ago, with a LOT OF PEOPLE at the time commenting abt how they were terrified of southern thedas becoming tevinter - INCLUDING A TEVINTER ALTUS) because now the story is set in tevinter, where there aren't circles like we're used to, and templars are subservient to mages, because mages make up the imperial chantry.

it was also hysterical to me when they were like qunari are hated and elves are enslaved in tevinter! coming from the guy who STARTED CAMPING OUT IN THE FUCKING EMERALD GRAVES?????? is bioware serious like eogfjkdfgjkdfgj tevinter has many! many problems! acting like anti-non-human sentiment is specific to tevinter is an insane approach and not one most people who don't know anything about orlais or ferelden or the free marches would know! the fuckery of it all...

and OF COURSE. KIRKWALL. CITY OF CHAINS, MY BELOVED. almsot started crying, i miss kirkwall so much SLDFJEODLFKGJ. and MEREDITH!!!!! the implications... like is this before or after the red lyrium idol was taken out of her??? if it was after, does that mean she was AWARE the entire time she was frozen or whatever??? we also get introduced to the idea that blighted wardens can be controlled by corypheus through blight magic - is there a possibility that someone is influencing meredith through the red lyrium? how is she surviving being encased in red lyrium like that? is she subsisting on the blight? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH KIRKWALL THAT TEMPLARS ARE THIS RESISTANT TO RED LYRIUM? meredith, samson - arguably even cullen who is as far as we know the first templar to have SURVIVED lyrium withdrawal!? isn't varric or hawke supposed to be the viscount???? WHAT IS GOING ON KIRKWALL??? did they just not notice meredith's (NOT!!!!) DEAD BODY disappearing from the gallows courtyard??? how are red templars just HANGING AROUND and BUILDING A BASE THERE??? and hira said she was going to meet a contact AT THE HANGED MAN???? red templars are currently operating out of kirkwall, right under varric's nose?? ISN'T THE INQUISITOR LIVING IN KIRKWALL?? HELLO??

why was rezaren banishing demons into what looked like a portal into HELL? where was neb's soul being retrieved from - the well of all souls or whatever in the fade? or does this imply souls go somewhere else when they die? why does the inquisition want the circulum - is it just a throwaway item with no relevance (like the items from the felicia day webseries), or is it something big? what does the circulum actually do - it's implied that there's other purposes for it!!!!

basically, i'm going insane x

[gayrfield]

d'y'all know where can I find a rat to control me? im getting tired of making decisions

[lardygaga]

I’m so tired of people trashing the dark pictures anthology because they’re blinded by their until Dawn nostalgia glasses.

Like just say you’re bad at these games and don’t like them because you don’t pay attention and move on. Maybe actually collect clues and analyze hints as opposed to being lazy and you’ll enjoy them

I’m convinced the Until Dawn fanboys don’t like decision based games- considering UD only had about 3 decisions that impact the story. Not saying I dislike until dawn because I do like it, but if I see one more person say “iT dOeSnT fEeL lIkE UnTiL dAwN” I’m going to scream. Go play until dawn???

You’re allowed to subjectively dislike the games… but not if you don’t put in the work. Maybe it sucked simply because you and your choices sucked.

Man of Medan was fantastic. It was scary, and it was the first game to emphasize co op. If you played this game solo your first time, that’s your fault. Sure, the twist can be seen coming if you’re paying attention. However, I’ll never get over my friend killing me and me thinking I died to the grim reaper. It was awesome. The number of endings, the plethora of different paths, and the overall setting were spectacular. People have complained about the twist without knowledge of the story of the Ourang Medan or the movie Ghost Ship. Would you have preferred a direct copy of something that has been done before? The criticism of MOM is completely invalid. Plus, the dark pictures anthology plays on ALL horror tropes. Biological horror is still horror and that doesn’t make it bad writing.

Little Hope has a special place in my heart. Again, people are up in arms about the monsters not being real as if anything would have made sense if they were. The bus driver is haunted by the death of his family in a house fire he caused and tried to blame his little sister. He does this by creating a false narrative in his head of Megan being evil and the witch trials were a perfect metaphor for the events taking place. The locked traits need to be removed because he needs to remember his family by their good traits and be able to forgive himself and put the past behind him. That’s why if the characters don’t face their own demons- they die in the house. It’s not rocket science if you collect the clues and pay attention. But these streamers like to have a cash grab with these games by rushing through making stupid choices and bashing the game and I’m really over it- I’ve had to unsubscribe from so many people over this. Little Hope’s endings are deep and sad- so is the story with Megan, again, if you’re actually being mindful. Those who don’t like LH are too dense to understand it.

House of Ashes hasn’t received as much hate seeing as the whiners finally got their real monsters, however, I did see a reviewer call the game racist which is unfounded and ignorant of the times it was based. The story here is immaculate, and if your choices caused the characters to be unlikeable then maybe make better choices. Salim and Jason have a wonderful friendship and the dialogue is immaculate.

The Quarry could have had more jumpscares and I’m sure they lowered that because people are never pleased. However the quarry is my favorite game because it truly feels like my decisions matter and after seeing just how many routes there Are in this game, I love it more and more every day.

Im worried about the future of these games being in the hands of an audience which doesn’t know how to play them

[ethernetchord]

lets talk: popular iwwv criticism

(disclaimer: i know criticism is subjective and thats why im doing this, i wanna look at some common points made against iwwv and dissect them just a little bit in the opposite direction. also none of this is directed at any individual- it’s all based on the general talking points i’ve seen surrounding the book.)

SPOILER WARNING !!

lack of exploration into james and oliver (+ gay characters feel performative)

i’ve seen loads of people say that oliver and james’ relationship felt very performative, a way of including the queer romnce which clearly is very important to the plot but not actually giving it any space in the novel, nor developing it to the same extent which meredith/oliver was.

oliver and meredith had a very strictly physical relationship and while he did love her, he wasn’t in love with her the way he was with james. the juxtaposition in the way that oliver/james is delivered and the way meredith/oliver is delivered is, i believe, far too repetitive to not be intentional. i actually realised upon re-reading how much focus there really is on meredith’s sexuality, even in subtleties in the book. meredith and oliver get more blatant sex scenes, get more physical parts because oliver was (to an extent) using his attraction to meredith to distract himself from his infatuation with james.

we also have to remember that oliver and james didn’t get their real moment of honesty about their relationship till extremely late into the book. i’d honestly see it as more ‘performative’ to then after or in the middle of kind lear throwing in some wild sex scene between the two. it wouldn't have fit.

“why didn’t james and oliver get together earlier then >:(((“ because the slow burn between them, the subtext, the subtle-ness, the yearning, they were all crucial to the decision which oliver made at the end. the fact that they burned so bright for each other but (oliver particularly) were so desperately repressed, that was what made this such a tragic romance. yes its tiring to read stories about queer people being repressed, yes its tiring to see the bury your gays trope. but like oliver says, it goes beyond gender.

if oliver’s second love interest was a girl, and treated this way, we’d be a lot more on board with these tropes- but the fact that james is a man, and this therefor becomes a queer relationship, makes it feel performative. i can’t convince you of anything- but i like to believe that their relationship being treated like this not only makes it so much more “heart wrenching because why! why couldn’t it work out, why couldn’t it be better!” - not because its a queer relationship but because they were soulmates.

alexander wasn’t performative. not in the slightest, rio just didn’t make being gay his entire identity. same goes for colin. just because they’re queer doesn’t mean it needs to be the only thing about them. this isn’t a lgbt novel- characters dont have to be gay just for plot. they can just be gay.

i’ve also seen people complain about not just making oliver bisexual. guys. did you read the book? he was bisexual. he was emotionally and physically attracted to both meredith and james. guys that’s literally what bisexual means.

i'm totally on board with the coming out scenes! and realisation of feelings and all that stuff- but again, not an lgbt centric novel and also- these were things oliver probably did and realised far before this book. remember that its set in 4th year, at an art school. he knew he was fruity ok. not every queer character in every queer book have to have these grandious coming out scenes or realisations. the lack there of doesn’t equal performance.

the ending was rushed and bad

believe what you will, but i don’t think james is dead. there’s a little too much ambiguity in that ending, in the extract he leaves oliver, in the “his body was never found.” so if your main quarrel with the ending is that “bury your gays” situation- please know there’s a chance- and that giving it that chance opens up so much more discussion and reader response.

yes, the ending is sad. but it’s not rushed. “but that is how a tragedy like ours or king lears breaks your heart- by making you believe the ending might still be happy until the very last second.” doing king lear, doing macbeth, doing romeo and juliet, the plays are chosen not only for reader convenience (they’re plays readers will most likely be familiar with) but also because they all, so very deeply, foreshadow a “bad” ending. killing james, makes sense. as much as people don’t want to hear it, from an authorial perspective- from the reader’s perspective and as a human being it makes sense. why do keep arguing that he “should’ve stayed alive for oliver” or that “if he really loved oliver he wouldn’t have done it” - why are we limiting a character’s entire existence down to their love interest. yes, they were best friends, yes they were set up as lovers but that doesn’t mean that that would be enough to keep james around. james was a fragile character- he was always checking with oliver if he had upset him, he was always worried, overthinking, james wasn’t strong minded- and he was suffering. the only person he had left to depend on was in prison, he was plagued with the guilt of causing the death of a classmate and letting oliver take the blame, if he did kill himself, it sure as hell doesn’t have any reason to sound forced.

“its not nearly as good as the secret history!!!!”

to be honest here buds, why the fuck do we keep comparing them so insistently. they are not the same book. iwwv wasn’t trying to be tsh 2.0, yes there are similarities because hey! guess what! books in similar genres tend to do that! always comparing it tsh when they have different motives, different plots and vastly different execution makes no sense. the only reason that they are compared is because tumblrtm dark academics like to group the two together. and yea- makes sense, but stop trying to belittle iwwv because it isn't as grandiose as tsh, because it’s a little more literal, because it’s not as intertextual as tsh. half the people saying iwwv isn’t as good as tsh are practically just subtly going “shakespeare isn’t as complicated as ancient greek huehue” stop forcing the two together and let them be separately appreciated.

the characters were flat/archetypes/etc

sigh. okay.

these characters are actors. this book shows us their transition from themselves entirely into a conjunction of the roles they’ve played and the stereotypes they’ve portrayed.

“we were so easily manipulated - confusion made a masterpiece of us.”

“for us, everything was a performance”

“imagine having all your own thoughts and feelings tangled up with all the thoughts and feelings of a whole other person. it can be hard, sometimes, to sort out which is which.”

“far too many times i had asked myself whether art was imitating life or if it was the other way around”

“it’s easier now to be romeo, or macbeth, or brutus, or edmund. someone else.”

are you seeing it now? this focus on their archetypes, this focus on the character they are; the way they see themselves not merely as human but as a walking concoction of every character they have turned into and out of. they depend on their archetypes to give them meaning. rio uses these archetypes to remind us of the submersion of her characters. they weren’t flat, their intentional lack of dimension due to their pasts is what makes them so intricate. furthermore, there's an evident subversion- the tyrant becomes a victim, the hero becomes a villain (they all become villains really), the ingenue becomes corrupted. like mentioned before, i think we forget ourselves easily reading this book but there is a great deal of emphasis on this being their last year- which is so important. the damage has been done and a lot of the issues people have with the content (or lack thereof) in this book has to do with the fact that it’s all things that would have occurred in books focusing on previous years at delletcher.

“it didn't live up to expectation” (also leading on from read tsh to this and being ‘disappointed’)

i cant argue this because its entirely subjective. whatever expectation was created for you, i cannot know that and appropriately respond however- if you liked the secret history and understood the secret history then there's a good chance you also liked and understood this book- even if not to the same extent but you must be able to recognize the authorial approach and its significance. i think a lot of ppl read iwwv (and a lot of “dark academia” texts and films) and hope to be able to romanticize the aesthetic or the concepts and then are disappointed when they are presented with mildly unlikeable and overwhelmingly human characters who aren’t easy to romanticize.

a great majority of these books are criticisms of the very culture you’re trying to romanticize, and the only time you’re willing to admit that is when boasting about the ‘self-awareness’ of the people indulging in them, and then a moment later complain about those same qualities because they don’t serve this idealized expectation.

bad rep for arts/liberal arts/ humanities students as being pretentious/cultish

as a humanities student with a great love for eng lit- all of these things are indeed pretentious and cultish. not all the time and not always and not every person- but it is a common theme. academia is overwhelmingly obsessive and extremely white-washed. people become so fast to believe that they are indulging in finer arts and are therefore a higher standard of person. academia is problematic. and the recent influx of people interested in it is good, very good because hopefully, we’ll be more diverse, more open-minded, more accepting. that's what i hope at least. if you know, as an individual, that you’re not a pretentious academic who places themselves above non-academics then that's wonderful- but there are dangers and negative sides to academia that need to be understood so that we can see to not perpetuating them.

i cant refute all points, mostly because there's a lot of good and well-explained criticism because no book is perfect. and my intentions are not to belittle anyone's opinion. these are merely opposing arguments, food for thought and to be fair- a critical look into why not everything is always going to be what we expect of it and why every ‘problem’ can be assessed.

[zer0-is-me]

Chapter 1 - Cornered By A Hero

Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

A/N:

y'know what, fuck it. imma write on here for once bc why tf not.

ummm so imma totally wing this. I should stop winging things bc its going to turn to chaos but hEY. you try telling my chaotic, asshole of a brain to stop. :D

ANYWHO

I am sorry in advance. This concept floated into my mind and i cant seem to focus on writing anything else so have this. Yayyyyy. Yay.

At times like these, Izuku wonders, What in the everloving fuck has my life come to?

Times when he really questions what went through his mind when he made decisions leading up to whatever was going on (well, he really knew - usually, it was, 'Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get there,' or, 'That's a problem for future me.' This is why future him hates present him, and present him hates past him).

An example, would be this time. When he was on the roof of a tall building, cornered by a pro hero with nowhere to run.

Fun.

" Eraserhead," he somewhat greeted, his face hidden by the shadows under his large hood and the black mask that covered the bottom half of his face. His voice was distorted and robotic, thanks to the voice changer he had, and it protected his identity further.

" What brings you upon this pleasant rooftop tonight?"

Eraserhead deadpanned, " Turning you in. Surrender now, Kibo. There's nowhere to run."

" Are you sure about that?" Izuku said - or, 'Kibo' did; his vigilante name.

" There tends to be nowhere to run when you're cornered by a pro hero on a high rooftop with no other exits," the man inched further towards him.

" You have a point, I guess," Izuku winced. He'd already used all of his smoke bombs in the fights he had just been through as part of his vigilante activities. He was tired and hungry, too, but even if he was at his highest, he doubted he could take the underground hero on.

" Look, just come peacefully, and you might have a shorter sentence in jail," Eraserhead said. " I honestly think you're doing good, but it's still against the law."

Well, technically he wasn't going against the law, but go off.

Izuku cooed. " Awww, I'm so happy the one and only Eraserhead appreciates my efforts!"

" Yeah, well, I've been on your case for a while now," the pro hero huffed. " So I know firsthand how helpful you can be."

Izuku smiled. " Then dont turn me in. You and I both know crime rates have dropped since I've appeared."

Eraserhead actually seemed to consider it for a moment, but the brief flame of hope in Izuku immediately extinguished when he shook his head and sighed.

(Funny, his vigilante name meant hope and here he was describing it being extinguished. He found himself doing that alot lately, actually.)

" I'm sorry, I can't do that and you know it. It's my job," Eraserhead said, and he genuinely sounded sorry. Well damn. One of his favourite heroes, feeling something other than hate or disgust towards him? You lie.

Eraserhead took a step towards him, and Izuku started to accept that maybe he just wasn't made for vigilantism, when a small something fell between them, clanging loudly in the quiet night.

After a beat, Izuku cocked his head and began, " What the hell-"

And it exploded.

A/N (2 bc im built different):

ok so idk if i should continue this,,,, like make another 'chapter'?? So it will completely be based off of the amount of support or reach this gets. If you liked it, idk, let me know! Do the note thingies, or comment, idm (lol im sorry im used to writing on wattpad and Ao3 but i hope you can bare w me XD).

Any constructive criticism will be welcomed, as long as it isn't mean. I don't take offense easily tho so 'being mean' is a pretty high bar, yet if you manage to somehow pass it i shall block you. Not that it's a very big threat, but i honestly don't care about your mean words anyway. No one does. :)

Anywho, I hope you have a great day/night/3AM(nice to see another fellow night gremlin), make sure to take care and drink some water, bye byeee! <3

[bigskydreaming]

@spikeface

ohhhh hell yeah I have not forgotten, like I tend to keep the examples limited to interactions with Scott to point out the blatant double standards in play but also because I am so tired of the abuse apologism arguments that come with any criticism of Derek’s actions in regards to teenage characters in the first two seasons in general, like, I know the dude had a hard time that doesn’t mean paying that forward is an acceptable standard of behavior for interacting with scared and vulnerable teenagers. ALSO not to bring it back around to Scott AGAIN but also umm Im me so okay I will I have the go-ahead, but like......literally every single argument and justification people make about Derek’s behavior and choices in the first two seasons because of what happened with Kate and how he doesn’t trust people because of that and he’s traumatized is rendered null and void by their simultaneous bullshit insistence that none of this logic means anything when it comes to Scott and.....wait for it....what happened with Theo and trust and traumatized or does being betrayed by someone you were starting to consider a good friend and murdered not count as trauma? I forget.

You can’t have it both ways but people are like Yes I can *rolls up sleeves* watch me.

Aaaaaand since we’re already here, why not, I’m going for it, soooooo getting in on the ground floor before people are like WELL THAT’S DIFFERENT BECAUSE STILES TRIED TO WARN SCOTT SO HE SHOULD’VE KNOWN UNLIKE DEREK WHO COULDN’T HAVE, umm: 

a) that’s not how trust works, its not by proxy, you either trust someone or you don’t and someone else telling you that you shouldn’t does not in fact render a betrayal of trust any less a betrayal of trust, this is LITERALLY just victim-blaming the betrayed, something that people are absolutely aware of because just imagine the shrieks of protest if someone were to posit an AU where someone warned Derek not to trust Kate but he still did anyway and so that made everything else that happened all his fault. 

b) you do not owe even your best friends unconditional trust in every opinion they have OVER your own opinions, it honestly truly DEEPLY makes me uncomfortable how often people raise this point because Stiles could distrust Theo all he wanted, Scott is still entitled to his own opinions based on his own perceptions of his own interactions with Theo, which were different than Stiles’ interactions, and Scott was in no way, shape or form obligated to uphold Stiles’ perceptions and interactions of and with Theo as more important than Scott’s own, what even is that wtfuckery

c) Stiles’ distrust of Theo was unfortunately watered down and diluted by the fact that he was lying to Scott and keeping secrets from him for weeks, which was his right and he was traumatized himself by what happened with Donovan, but the flip side of that is Scott was keenly aware that Stiles was lying to him about stuff and even had a whole freaking monologue about it and how he wished Stiles would just talk to him and tell him what he was hiding and in what universe is someone obligated to unconditionally believe their friend and abide by what they’re saying and wanting WHILE AT THE EXACT SAME TIME being lied to by that same friend? 

d) Stiles’ distrust of Theo was additionally watered down and diluted by the fact that even after he had actual foolproof evidence that Theo was a liar and not to be trusted, he refrained from informing Scott of this because he prioritized his own feelings about what might come out about him in the process of telling Scott, which again, was absolutely his right to do and be worried about but it is NOT his right to be retroactively extradited from any role he played in Scott’s perceptions of events that season by not divulging this information even while actively still JUDGING Scott for not acting on information re: Theo that Scott literally did not have to act upon, just his own interactions with Theo where Theo was actively and continually working on being seen as not only trustworthy but INVALUABLE in Scott’s eyes, while everyone else was off preoccupied with their own stuff leaving Scott with no one BUT Theo to turn to. Which was literally Theo’s entire plan in dividing them in order to make Scott vulnerable in the first place, just as Scott ultimately was more victimized by Theo than any of the other surviving members of S5 as he was the one y’know, MURDERED, but again let’s talk some more about how it was Stiles and everyone else who was more betrayed and let down by Scott’s choice to trust Theo than Scott was himself 

(and so help me GOD if someone brings up Josh or Tracy like they give a fuck about them, lolol, fun fact, but most of the posts about Josh and Tracy in S5 while it was airing were mine, like, 90% of their tags was me posting, yeah c’mon guys we’re aware I can be prolific when I hyper-fixate I’m not exaggerating here lol I POSTED ABOUT JOSH A LOT OKAY lololol. So I keenly remember the weeks between Josh’s death episode and the episode which revealed that Scott got to Deucalion before Theo did, because that was two whole weeks of people being like who the fuck cares about Josh, other than like, me and some mutuals, until the SECOND fandom found a way to spin Scott as being tangentially responsible for Josh’s death, at which point suddenly it was like OMG JOSH WE LOVED YOU ALL ALONG, WE’RE SO SORRY THAT MONSTER DID THIS TO YOU. The whiplash would be hilarious if I didn’t hate it so much)

e) Stiles’ distrust of Theo was additionally watered down and diluted by the fact that he was WRONG about everything he initially brought up as WHY he distrusted Theo, his whole thesis to Scott at the start of the season was that he didn’t trust Theo because he remembered Theo from fourth grade and Theo wasn’t Theo but uh.....yes he was. He wanted Scott not to trust Theo on a basis that was flawed and had no grounding in reality other than Stiles’ own unreliable gut instincts with no care or concern whatsoever for Scott’s own gut instincts, and simultaneously, Stiles in the throes of being like THEO IM ON TO YOU YOU FAKER (Theo in the distance: Lol no you’re not, you just don’t like me, there’s a difference), ANYWAY, Stiles at the exact same time as being focused on not just Theo but what he felt Scott SHOULD be doing and thinking in regards to Theo and Stiles’ opinions, somehow managed to completely overlook and give no fucks about Scott’s ACTUAL thoughts and actions re: Theo, as if he had been paying more attention to the actual character of his friend rather than just his perception and assumptions about his friend, he would have noticed that Scott DIDN’T blindly trust Theo from the start, because Scott DOESN’T actually blindly trust anyone and actually has trust issues out the wazoo from all the times he’s been hurt, betrayed and let down by people he cares about from his deadbeat dad to the many murder and manipulation attempts of Peter, whom he has canonically never trusted despite Stiles’ insistence that he even trusts Peter (lol where? when? source?).....ergo, ipso facto, forsooth and all that good shit.....Stiles wanted Scott’s complete obedience and allegiance in S5 to everything he said and thought while at the exact same time giving no fucks about anything going on WITH Scott himself. Hashtag friendship goals, am I right guys?

f) the fatal flaw of the Sciles schism in S5 was not in fact the warring opinions on Scott and Stiles’ respective trust and distrust of Theo, but rather what S5 revealed about Scott and Stiles’ respect trust and distrust of EACH OTHER. In point of fact, the only thing truly revealed by the events of that season is that Scott doesn’t automatically trust just anyone, but that his trust must be EARNED - a process Theo invested considerable effort in doing, as he actually paid attention to Scott and the actuality of things he said and did and why - and that Stiles in contrast doesn’t just automatically distrust anyone, but rather makes snap judgments about whether or not to PUT his trust in others based on what he’s feeling. 

Basically, my point is that Scott views trust as a function of information gathering and ultimately a decision to put it to the test or not, to actually just say okay based on what I know and feel at this point, I am making the choice NOW to trust in someone. Stiles in contrast, views trust as something he doesn’t fundamentally NEED in his interactions with people, and as such he uses it to shore up and buttress various other things about himself and his interactions with people. 

This is why Scott started out the season WITH reservations about Theo, that led to him asking Deaton questions about how vulnerable he and his pack might be due to allowing a strange newcomer into their midst, but ultimately placing more and more trust in Theo as the season went on, BASED on Theo’s ongoing campaign to win Scott’s trust by seeming trustworthy and helpful and supportive. 

Meanwhile, Stiles started out the season WITH reservations about Theo, that informed all his actions regarding Theo UNTIL he got concrete proof that Theo was a liar, BUT continued to interact with Theo and even work alongside him even KNOWING he wasn’t trustworthy, because trust was not after all the most important element informing his actions because it never HAD been. More importantly, the reason this all plays more into Scott and Stiles’ view of each other than anything to do with Theo, was because the ONLY reason Theo was able to play them against each other was Theo keyed into the fact that Stiles, despite placing a lot of importance in the IDEA of trust, never actually fully makes the leap into actually PLACING his trust in ANYONE, even someone like his best friend Scott, who has proven MULTIPLE times how invaluable Stiles is to him.....because if Stiles ever HAD fully placed his trust in Scott, he would have been able to look at the concrete precedent of Scott saying throughout the entire nogitsune ordeal that he flat out didn’t CARE if people died because of the nogitsune, because of Stiles himself, he wasn’t going to sacrifice Stiles to save the lives of strangers he just simply doesn’t value as being more important to him than Stiles himself. 

And by extension, if Stiles HAD ever fully placed his trust in Scott after this, then his fears about Donovan would have fallen by the wayside as - just like it was ultimately proven out in 5B after Scott heard the WHOLE story and not the parts Theo told him backed up by the lies of ommission Stiles HADN’T told Scott and the fact that Scott had been keyed into Stiles’ feelings of guilt over something for weeks - Scott would then have expressed to Stiles just as he ultimately DID express to Stiles: that he can tell the difference between self-defense and cold-blooded murder, and Stiles killing Donovan in self-defense was not a problem for Scott and NEVER WAS OR WOULD HAVE BEEN.

In conclusion, the biggest issue in S5 is not that Scott trusts everyone, its that even after everything, Stiles still doesn’t even trust Scott.

And if you can’t trust the best friend who’s proven that he will literally do anything for you, at any time, just say the word, to such an extent that you’ll pull back from him and refrain from working with him and being around him AT THE EXACT SAME TIME as demonstrating that you will be around and work alongside someone you don’t even like and definitely do not trust.....

Then trust is not the be all and end all for you, and it never actually was, and if you can’t grant it to even your friend why does your friend owe you his, let alone UNCONDITIONAL trust in not just you, but every opinion and course of action you advocate for?

*bangs gavel* The defense rests. Or the prosecution rests. Fuck, I forgot which side I’m on. Am I accusing or defending? Idek.

Whatever. I rest.

[6ad6ro]

i think it's especially easy for neurodivergent ppl to blindly follow a community's "rules", especially when they're created by communities that overall have seemingly "good intentions". there isn't that necessary process of criticism, and context is rarely used alongside these "rules".

i randomly joined tumblr way back when, and IMMEDIATELY was like "wow, this is amazing. these ppl care about human rights and want to make the world a better place!" lol. and i began to blindly follow a lot of "rules" and cast a lot of judgements without thinking. it was pretty easy to do, considering i'd left places like youtube where (hatespeech and prejudice ideas are really common). tumblr seemed like paradise.

sure enough, i found myself saying things like "i hate men" (im he/they), "i hate white ppl" (im white), "i hate cis ppl". etc etc etc. it's really easy to like... passionately want change. and think the groups you're supporting are always right.

it's easy to make blanket statements... to follow "rules" without thinking? when your intentions are "good". i just wanted actual equality. the culture i was involved in said "these ppl are at fault, we need to change them to fix things". so i went along with it. i didn't think. i wanted to be "good".

but what about male allies. what about trans men. what about WHITE allies... do some of u gays REALLY not have a single cis person you're friends with? sorry, but theres a lotta ppl that fall into these groups who are ABSOLUTELY lovely. and also on your side.

and yet here you are, blogging about how much you hate them. throwing them under the bus based on the color of their skin, their gender, or their prefs.

just bc racist/sexist/transphobes commonly call out tumblr as a "place of hate" to try and justify their OWN hate (u know the tactic)? doesn't justify what we're doing. many of tumblr's "rules" and widespread beliefs? are inherently prejudist.

and neurodivergent ppl can just... eat this stuff up. me personally? i'm ALWAYS having to ask others "is this okay" or "am i doing this right"? it's really hard to make confident decisions on my own. so i would see "rules" as a godsend. something to trust in.

not realising that the same type of authoritarian, control-freak mentalities that exist in like... government? are also in these marginalised communities.

not to call anyone out, but i ran into yet another person with an absolutely silly dni today (ftr they seemed like a rly sweet, at most confused, younger person doin their best). but they literally were like "if someone i follow is bad, please lmk"... like? while on the surface that might seem like "oh i wanna know if someone i rb from is a secret terf" etc? i can't help but see it as "i dont know the rules! plz tell me the rules!!! i wanna do the right thing". bc i'm sorry. i see this stuff too much from atypical peeps.

there was a lot of confusing stuff in this dni. another being "if you believe there can be racism against white ppl, please dni" (the user claimed to be white btw). like... honestly? this one makes me wanna scream. bc what ppl call "racism" is usually just "prejudice". and YES prejudice actually DOES happen against white folk. your statement is an example. seriously tired of marginalised communities excusing their prejudices simply bc they're poc or gay or just whatever. like if you CHOOSE to make excuses for why hating someone based on their race or gender or sexuality is okay? you're excusing prejudice.

it even gets extra silly w the less serious "rules". like i'll see things like "no self-shipping" (its fictional), "no problematic character love" (its fictional), "you must set up/format your blog in this way" (its not your say, so if u dont like someones blog just unfollow/block omg). just a lotta weird "rules" where i KNOW these ppl got em from other cutthroat, authoritarian, self-proclaimed "good people". "no racists" is a rule that makes sense. but "no vtuber shipping"??? are... are u kidding? u know that anime youtubers are designed to be horny, right? lol... i just see a lotta stuff. too much demonizing and over WHAT? it's ridiculous.

PLEASE! for the love of GOD just TRY and use context and individual judgement. and i say this ESPECIALLY to other neurodivergent ppl. bc i get that it's really hard for ppl like us. but...

i guess i'm just tired of seeing so much hate being disguised as justice and love. and i'm tired of atypical ppl's trust being taken advantage of. i'm tired of blind rulefollowing. if tumblr communities should teach you anything, it's to be critical and analytical of morality. i know it can be difficult, but please just THINK.

[vowled]

The Ever Lasting curiosity about Sherlock’s sexuality

Honestly, I’m tired. I see so much material everywhere about ships and about what’s canon and what isn’t. I see people fighting about whether Sherlock is top or bottom (where an overwhelming majority thinks he’s a top). But somehow I never see enough material about his Other sides. His other habits like scrapbooking. Why is he Possibly eccentric and ....to an extent ...is he really so eccentric at all?

Firstly, I see it constantly reiterated by Moffat that Sherlock’s decision to not be very sexually active is a Monk’s decision, not an asexual’s one. He isn’t interested in sex because it distracts him, and that means he’s not very produtive, and by this point we know that work is worship for Sherlock.

Now, the question arises, how do we know that he isn’t asexual?

we don’t

Next comes the Johnlock theory and I am not going to lie, I like it . I really do. Some of the arguments I’ve read during my tenure in the fandom are very influencing and impressive and they genuinely make you think. But the truth remains that it isn’t canon (yet).

And if you’re a BBC Sherlock fan then the entire Irene Adler thing is also very frustrating. Being brought up in a homophobic country, the first time I watched the episode, I remember being sure that she was sherlock’s love interest. This was also compounded in my head as the truth because of Robert D.J’s movie, where Irene is explicitly shown as the love interest too. BBC too called her THE WOMAN, and Mycroft later says “She’s the only woman who matters”. And yet, we never see any explicit proof that Sherlock indeed has feelings towards her. What am I supposed to think then???

The more I think about it, the more maddening it gets. Especially with the subtext. I do think that now I can openly admit that the entire show has a lot of gay subtext (feel free to give your opinion about it) and that really is the jewel of any literature. But what do I make of it all?

An anecdote here: I am an 18yo girl who has read too much of gay fanfiction and conspiracies to never question my own sexuality. I thought I’ve had crushes on my girl friends and thought I wouldn’t mind dating one, but oh boy I didn’t like it at all (Well, now I know I’m straight :/ )

The one insight I’ve gained from here is that sometimes it’s tiring to figure out feelings. It’s ever capricious, obscure and frustrating. Think that from Sherlock’s POV and he literally is obsessed with his work to the point he doesn’t eat because it slows him down. He’s a brain with a body. He makes all of his deductions based on rectilinear principles that rule out the possibility of ambiguity and are necessarily singular in their nature. But feelings are the exact opposite of it - any emotion felt can have multiple causes and hence lead to multiple reactions, and the entire chemical nature of it is broad and overrun by multiple definitions. Even when people do feel certain things clearly, they seldom do express them truly. Modern life has made us to be afraid of intimacy and complete truth without diluting it with small lies. Even when people say that they feel a certain way explicitly, we can never tell if they’re speaking the entire thing truly. How could he possibly compute feelings?

Sherlock is a thinking, feeling being. But because thinking and comprehending is his greater joy, because he is obsessed with being intellectually superior to others, he doesn’t like anything he can’t understand, which itself is a common tendency and shows us that he’s only human. He doesn’t like the entire affair about sex not because he’s asexual, but because he doesn’t like the confusion and the lack of complete understanding of it. But this should never be interpreted as though he doesn’t have any feelings.

We do see in many occasions that Sherlock in fact is capable of showing empathy and does in fact try to comfort people. This very character trait of empathy shows that he isn’t in fact a sociopath. In case of Irene Adler(although the canon material clearly states that she was very devoted to her husband and didn’t have a romantic relationship with Sherlock), Sherlock doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. She repeatedly asks him for dinner and texts him, he denies each time. This tells us he isn’t interested in her. Although, in the end, he helps her. He didn’t need to though, but he does because HE DOES CARE. Caring doesn’t need a definitive cause based on romantic feelings. IT ITSELF IS A FEELING.

With Moriarty, there’s this undeniable tension. Both men are obsessed with each other because they know that they are equals. And we must ask :is  this level of understanding any different to intimacy?

And there’s John. Sweet John who is completely devoted to Sherlock. Even in canon it’s pretty clear that the only times he truly is completely caring is when it comes to John. And tbh I don’t want to trip down that rabbit hole right now.

Sherlock does love people, and he’s too intellectual to find out exactly in which way or form does he love them. He simply does. And that makes him the “most humane human being”. He doesn’t love anybody in a sexual way, but why should it mean he doesn’t love anybody? His sexuality is boring. His own forms of love, however are the most beautiful to look at. Can we talk about that?

also if you’ve made it thus far, thank you for reading ! this is my first ever blog and tbh it’s such a rant?! im sorry :( ? i was really going for something and i kept getting disturbed and I lost my train of thought in the process :((( but please fell to comment, consrtuctive criticism is always welcome!

[rainingincale]

I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now. 

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc. 

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it. 

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion  but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Operation Scary Date

A collaboration by @sloaners​ and myself for Sloaners’ Disastrous Discord’s spring event, based on the Terribly Romantic Prompt, “[Character] gets cursed by a ridiculous artifact and the cure is not much better with Love Epiphany.” Art by sloaners, writing by keepyourpantsongohan.

YOU MATCHED WITH TOBI ON TUESDAY.

Tobi: cum 2 my castle tonite

Yamato: Hello to you too. Can I ask about the pictures? It’s hard to see what you look like.

Tobi: ull see what i look like soon enough

Yamato: You’re kinda weird. Lucky I like that. Where do you live?

Tobi: the woods

Yamato: I’m going to bet you don’t get a lot of matches on here, huh?

Tobi: why would u say that

—

YOU MATCHED WITH TOBI ON TUESDAY.

Tobi: cum 2 my castle tonite

Isobu: strong opener; convince me.

Tobi: i can be a beast in my chambers

Isobu: if I had a gold coin for every time I heard that, I could put myself through knight school again.

Tobi: im... tall? and we matched so u must think im good-looking

Isobu: fair. where am I supposed to find this castle, anyway?

Tobi: the woods in the north under the light of the full moons glare at dusk Isobu: that’s oddly specific Tobi: everyones a critic

—

YOU MATCHED WITH TOBI ON TUESDAY.

Tobi: cum 2 my castle tonite

Sukea: okay.

Tobi: wait what just like that?

Sukea: yeah. is that a problem?

Tobi: no i mean... good. this is all according to plan

Sukea: that’s kind of a weird thing to say.

Tobi: im new at this

Sukea: dating, or talking to other people?

Tobi: pass. north woods at 8?

Sukea: i might be late. there are black cats in those woods, and i’d hate to cross their paths.

Tobi: dont worry about time. we will have plenty of it soon

Sukea: do you always talk to your dates this way?

Tobi: pretty much

—

The third time Rin’s mace gets stuck in a tree branch, she wonders if it was entirely a good decision to let Kakashi make her Kindling profile.

There’s something to be said for quality screening, and the type of images one displays on their profile says a lot for who might be drawn to match. She didn’t even take a good look at her alias before they began their attempts to swipe through every enchanted being in their area. While Rin has always considered her taste in partners a little bit out there, it’s never been quite so literal before. One league back, she swears she heard the voice of a man yelling from above.

This better be a good date, Rin thinks, whacking some of the foliage out of her face.

“It helps if you go under instead of through,” says a voice behind her.

Startled, Rin turns around. “Tenzō?”

Partly obscured by the denseness of the woods, she sees her friend wave at her. “I didn’t expect to see anyone else here tonight.”

“Me either,” Rin says, bending and reaching out a hand to pull him forward. The forest seems happy to bend around him, twisting to make room for him to stand beside her. “You’re not Tobi, are you? There were a lot of masks and odd lighting choices.”

Tenzō’s eyebrows disappear under his face plate. “Tobi?”

“My date,” she explains.

He folds his arms, making a speculative noise. “Mine too,” Tenzō replies, narrowing his eyes.

“Sleaze, or trap?” Rin asks.

“What time is your date?”

“A quarter after the eighth hour.”

With a sigh, Tenzō declares, “Sleaze. My date’s at half past. A decent kidnapper would make sure his victims wouldn’t cross paths.”

Rin shrugs. “Doesn’t say much for his dating strategy either. How smart can you really be to meet up with so many dates at the same location? And who’d choose to be in these woods, anyway?”

“We’re here,” Tenzō points out with a dry look.

Grinning, Rin replies, “Yes, well, we think Kakashi’s handsome. No one ever said anything good about our taste.”

“I wonder how his date is going,” Tenzō muses, laughing. “Better than ours I hope.”

Rin’s smile fades as a heavy wind from the sky catches her attention. A great dragon bears down upon them, hurtling unevenly as if it has just grown its wings overnight. She raises her voice to be heard over the rustling trees.  “Definitely better than ours. Is it just me or does the cloak on that dragon look familiar?”

“Trap,” says Tenzō apologetically, as a set of claws wrap around his waist.

—

“So… does he do this often?” Kakashi asks, carefully balancing the next piece on top of his tower.

The creature responds with a, “Be quiet, brat,” from beneath his heavy pile of robes. Kakashi suspects the garment is mostly for show. Whoever’s underneath shifts their weight too much to be all that big. But then again, the dragon had caught him off-guard, so perhaps his instincts are a little off tonight.

“You know, I might’ve come upstairs anyway,” Kakashi tells him. “If he’d asked me nicely.”

When no response is given, Kakashi continues, stacking piece after jenga piece by himself.

“That’s traditionally how the date thing is done. First conversation, then we decide if we want to spend the night together. He must be very out of practice.”

His companion mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, “I don’t get paid enough for this.”

“We don’t need a chaperone,” Kakashi points out helpfully. “I promise. I’m a very respectful date… what did the other one call you? Kakuzu?”

His question is met with a groan of disapproval, which Kakashi takes to mean ‘yes.’ “Kakuzu,” he says, in the same reasonable voice he uses when tutoring his students, “You seem tired. Really, I’m fine here. Where would I go?”

He gestures to their surroundings. The single window has nothing below it but a moat, and there are no other points of entry. Kakashi’s thought of at least thirty plans of escape, and for twenty-nine and a half of them, he doesn’t like his odds.

“Listen, if it’s the money you’re worried about… I have some gold on me. It seems like we’ll be staying in tonight, anyway.”

Kakuzu’s posture shifts at the mention of payment. Bingo.

Kakashi throws his coin purse, and tries not to blink at the distinctly claw-like hands that grab it. His plans for observation go out the window with Kakuzu when he realizes his bodyguard is hoisting himself across the bricks with hundreds of thick grey tendrils attached to his body.

He sighs, and begins searching the tower.

If Kakashi had to guess the personality of the chamber’s owner based on his belongings, he wouldn’t know where to start. In the closet he finds at least twelve different shades of the same cape. Looking underneath the bed yields a startlingly life-like statue of a man cast half in black and half in white that Kakashi swears is winking at him. He moves onto the desk quickly after that.

The book he finds in it reads, in bold lettering, DO NOT TOUCH, which seems promising. There are dogs on the cover. That seems promising too.

Tenzō and Rin are probably laughing at me somewhere, he thinks, as he pulls it into his grasp.

The crash from the window is not nearly as disconcerting as the beam of blinding light that follows.

— 

“That is not how you greet a date,” says Tenzō, affronted.

Kakashi gapes. “Tenzō? Rin? What are you doing here?”

Brushing himself off, Tenzō shrugs. “Being attacked by a dragon. Why are you here?”

“I’m on a date,” Kakashi explains. He looks at the cloaked figure still upturned on the floor. “With him, I think.”

Rin nudges Tobi with her boot. “You arranged a date with all three of us on the same night?”

Tenzō looks heavenward. “Is that really what we’re mad about?”

Rin and Kakashi look at each other, and then nod at Tenzō. “A little, yeah.”

“I, for one, would like to know who we’re dealing with,” Tenzō remarks, crouching down by their host’s face. He pulls a spade out from his robes, and prods him sharply in the side. When this elicits no response, Tenzō rolls the man over.

Two intakes of breath punctuate the motion. “Rin,” says Kakashi urgently.

“I didn’t know either,” she replies. Shifting forward, Rin places a hand on Tenzō’s shoulder. “I’ll heal him.”

Tenzō rises, glancing between his two companions. The room is silent but for the sound of Rin's healing magic and the slight creaking of the door. “You know him?”

“It’s Obito,” says Kakashi.

“Obito, your old and dead teammate? That Obito?”

“I’m not dead,” says Obito, sitting up abruptly with the aid of Rin’s healing magic. Tenzō yelps.

Kakashi feels a little lightheaded. “We need to talk.”

—

Reconciled to the fact this evening is going to make no sense at all, Kakashi extends a hand to Obito. After a moment of hesitation, Obito takes it. There is a warmth between their fingertips that Kakashi takes to be familiarity, until suddenly, where there was empty space, there’s a small dog that Kakashi lunges to catch.

“Well hello, are you lost?” Kakashi asks, once the puppy is cradled in his arms. The Chow Chow merely tucks itself under Kakashi’s chin, which is a better answer than he could’ve expected.

Tenzō elbows him, careful not to jostle the animal. “What, you’re finally showing us what your powers are? Right here?”

Rin levels him with a doubtful look. “I have a hard time believing you could make infinite dogs and you limited yourself to eight. Konoha should be overrun with wagging tails by now.”

Shaking his head, Kakashi replies, “I didn’t make him appear.” He pauses, looking at Obito. “At least, I don’t think I did? Obito?”

Obito’s eyes narrow, and then widen. “You read my diary,” he says suddenly, with surprising indignation for a man who has confessed to running a magical terrorist ring.

“Diary?” Kakashi repeats, adjusting his grip on the dog. When his fingers touch, there’s twice as many puppies in his arms as before. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. This is the best date I’ve ever been on.”

Grabbing the book still lying open upon his desk, Obito shows them the same cover Kakashi had been inspecting earlier. “Anyone who lays a hand on this journal aside from me becomes overwhelmed by beasts!”

“They do look ferocious,” Rin teases, scratching the second dog behind the ears.

Obito eyes the scene, uncertain. “Curses aren’t an exact science! The book knows what it’s meant to do.”

Tenzō steps closer to Obito, considering him. “If you’re so worried about what’s going to happen to Kakashi, then take the curse off of him.”

Obito hesitates. “Wizards... are supposed to stand by their principles.”

This time, it’s Rin who steps closer, boxing Obito in. “You don’t know how to reverse the spell, do you?” she asks, trying not to laugh.

“Curses aren’t an exact science,” Obito says again, defensively.

A groan echoes throughout the room from his former teammates. “Why would you use an enchantment you don’t know how to break?” Kakashi asks, while the dogs try to climb up his shoulders. Three, now, as he reaches out to steady one with both hands.

“If it stumps me, it should stump all of my enemies.”

Tenzō puts his head in his hands. “I hate that he’s starting to make sense to me.”

“It happens sometimes,” Kakashi says sympathetically. The long-suffering tone is belied by the puppy licking his cheek above his mask.

—

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Obito asks, clearing his throat for the third time since they’ve arrived. “Doesn’t Minato-sensei have a family now? Should we really be bothering him with this kind of thing?”

“It’s not our fault you broke Kakashi,” Tenzō mutters under his breath. They’ve improvised leashes for the dogs out of some of his gardening supplies, and dogs, which now number four, are mostly under his rein, though they keep tugging forward to approach Kakashi. One dog remains in Kakashi’s hands, thankfully keeping them occupied.

Kakashi opens his mouth, perhaps to argue the point of this curse being so terrible. However, whatever he is about to say is interrupted by the door opening to reveal a blond man in robes that look they belong more at a discotheque than at a ritual.

“So, what brings you kids here?” Minato asks, smiling broadly. “It’s unlike you to come for a visit unannounced.”

Kakashi and Rin shuffle aside so their final companion is clearly visible. “Obito?” Minato asks, gaping.

—

“That is quite the problem,” Minato muses, a hand at his chin. “It’s not a spell I’ve ever heard of before. And you have absolutely no idea how to counter it?”

Eyes turn to Obito once more, and he shakes his head. Kakashi sighs. “We were hoping you would know, sensei.”

“I know a few general counter-curses, but I suspect they won’t help in this situation. They’re for less powerful spells, like warts, or being turned into a frog. That second one’s surprisingly common, you know.”

Rin’s brow furrows. “Then there’s nothing we can do? Kakashi’s going to need to use his hands at some point.”

“I didn’t say that,” says Minato, with a knowing smile. “It’s common for some magical beings to cancel out a spell by using one that uses the same underlying magic. So in this case, it’s possible for us to free Kakashi by finding a curse of equal measure. Did you know that my teleportation magic is derivative of a curse?”

“Isn’t dealing with unfamiliar curse magic what brought us here in the first place?” Tenzō asks.

Minato tilts the brim of his hat. “It all depends on the strength of the spell Obito used. If he used a spell that’s stronger than my curse, then we’ll have to look for another answer.”

—

“And a second curse was supposed to have helped?” gripes Kakashi, clutching his forehead. “Now I can’t control where I go! This can’t be good for the dogs.”

“Well, there’s one other solution to your predicament,” says Minato, with a pensive gaze. “True love’s kiss.”

Kakashi looks pointedly at the ceiling. “If I were in love, why would I be on a dating app?” he asks, aware of four separate gazes on him. Well, eight, if he counts the dogs.

Minato shrugs, raising his hands in surrender. “I’m not saying you are, I’m just saying that it’s a method to break a curse.”

“Have you ever tried it?” Obito asks skeptically.

With a pointed look, Minato rejoins, “I usually memorize the counter-curse before I try out a new spell, Obito.” The younger man reddens, and glances around the room like the criticism might be directed at someone else. Minato stifles a laugh.

“You should try, Kakashi,” Rin says decidedly. “It’s better than not doing anything.”

Kakashi makes a startled noise. “Who are you suggesting I kiss?”

She shrugs, and gestures between her, Tenzō, and Obito. “Take your pick.”

The range of expressions Kakashi manages to convey with only his eyes in that minute is thoroughly impressive. His eyes linger on each of them, before he shakes his head. “I’m not going to choose between my friends,” Kakashi says firmly.

Obito huffs. “Then I’ll do it,” he says, reaching for Kakashi. Kakashi looks at him in him in surprise. “I broke you, I should fix you,” Obito adds, with a wry look at Tenzō.

Kakashi sighs. “I suppose I can’t argue with that.” Flushing, he adds to Minato, “Can you…?” Dutifully, Minato turns around and covers his ears.

He lets Obito pull him closer, and adds to Rin and Tenzō, “Hold onto us. If this doesn’t work, I don’t want to end up stuck in Minato-sensei’s ceiling.”

And so, with Tenzō at his back, and Rin at Obito’s, Kakashi closes the gap between them. With his lips brushing Obito’s, he reaches blindly for one of the hands at his side, and smiles when nothing happens.

Then, the ground is pulled out from under them.

— 

“What happened to Obito and Tenzō?” Kakashi asks, trying to peer around the pumpkin.

A very loud, familiar voice, echoes through the room. “I’m Tenzō,” says the pumpkin, and Kakashi and Rin nearly jump out of their skin.

Carefully, they make their way to the other side of him. Sure enough, as if he were a jack-o-lantern, there is a vague impression of their friend’s features, along with a tuft of brown hair. The small frown is so characteristic of Tenzō that for a moment, Kakashi feels more normal and at ease than he has all night. Unwittingly, he imagines Tenzō in his own garden, and tries not to laugh.

“It’s not funny,” says Tenzō, even though it is.

Rin reaches out to pat his orange cheek. “Well, you make a cuter pumpkin than Obito did a dragon.”

“Hey!” a muffled voice interjects, offended.

Rin steps back to inspect the scene, trying to place the source of the sound. “Obito? Are you in there too?”

“Not quite,” Kakashi observes. He gestures towards the wayward limbs and messy hair sticking out under Tenzō. “Are you alright under there, Obito?”

Obito groans. “I’ve been better,” is his flat reply.

“Is anyone going to try to reverse this spell?” Tenzō demands. “I can’t exactly double up on curses like this.”

“Obito’s lips might already be touching some part of you,” Rin says with a giggle.

Kakashi can’t hold back his smile. “I think it might need to be his face, Rin. Stay there, Tenzō,” says Kakashi, like Tenzō’s not occupying fifty percent of the room.

Pulling down his mask again, Kakashi aims his lips at what he hopes represents Tenzō’s head. Where he touches, it glows, and he can’t tell if it’s the magic or what it looks like for a pumpkin to blush. Through another burst of light, the rough texture of the pumpkin is replaced by Tenzō’s warm skin. Definitely blushing, Kakashi notes, as he hears newly-warped buckles and accessories from Tenzō’s stretched clothing hit the dungeon floor.

When Tenzō recovers his voice, he says, with a hint of orange still in his cheeks, “The first one of you to make a gardening joke is being left in the dungeon.”

TO BE CONTINUED....

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[rochibolettieri]

Let’s talk about writers and fanfiction

Over the past weeks I saw a lot of writers in my dash receiving tons of nasty anons criticizing their style of writing, writers I really  appreciate even if they don’t know me. Then came the plagiarism thing, so i decided to write a few things about the matter (forget my English, is not my first language 🙃)

I have to be honest, a year and a half ago, I thought of fanfiction as a silly thing until I decided to give it a try and read and definitely changed my mind. I have no idea how to write fiction is, the only approach I have about the subject is the journalistic writing I have to do for school and even if it’s different, I get that the feeling of posting something you’ve done can be scary, nerve-racking, gives you a lot of anxiety. Will people like it? Is it a silly thing to post? What if I said something wrong, if I’m misunderstood?

What I intend to say with this, is that it takes a lot of courage to publish something so intimate, something to which you dedicated a lot of time, effort and what you did with love, and also, for free. And I say intimate because I firmly believe that when writing fiction, a part of each writer appears there, a piece of how they are, what they think, their believes. As for example in the last chapter of BTY. I don’t know @balfeheughlywed , we never talked but I read a post recently about how that chapter meant for her to be a love letter to motherhood and it perfectly reflects her intention while mixing it with the story (beautiful chapter btw, I end up crying when Jamie started to talk to their bairn)

When it comes to feelings, many times the way to channel them is through writing. Other times it is through music, painting, dancing, etc. there are a lot of ways to express them, but since we are talking about written stories, let's keep it that way. I think what Lauren did was something beautiful, I’m not a mother but I thought of my mom and what she has been through, and it must have been a terrible yet beautiful experience. Other author I can think of right now is @whiskynottea with Death dreams. Her writing there is so beautiful yet so painful because she talks about things that happens in the real life. I sort of know how it is to live with someone suffering depression and let me tell you, it breaks your heart. Her portrayal of Claire as the partner of the one suffering, and Jamie as the depressed one seems so real, like you can feel what they feel in every chapter, and is a clever decision to add topics maybe not everyone is brave enough to talk about, be it depression, abortion, PTSD, miscarriages, some terminal disease…

Also, I want to comment on the subject of plagiarism. Since the beginning of last year I read OL fanfiction, and I can *shamefully* say that I read a lot, much more than all the books I have on my shelf that I didn’t read yet. And in many cases things are repeated, such as the meeting of the main characters, how they fall in love, the use of quotes from the original books, even the personalities of the characters involved. That doesn’t mean to plagiarize anyone’s work, in my opinion, it’s because within this community, many people think about the characters in a way (i.e. Frank being an abusive sexist who cheats on his partner and doesn’t care), many topics are repeated (Jamie being librarian, Claire being a doctor), what really changes is how each one writes a story based on it, and among everything I read, it's always different, because as everyone is different, so is their writing.

But also, we are in 2019 guys, I doubt there’s something that hasn’t been invented yet, everything gets recycled, so what’s the point in blaming people for writing similar things? Also, what a waste of time to be searching some specific quote of a fic and compare it with another one, i’m tired with only think about it.

For me, writing it’s a very difficult thing to achieve since I suck at words and have no idea how to express my feelings/what I want to say properly (you are seeing that now, haha). But these people out there who week after week transmit magic with each chapter, who write them in such a poetic way, research enough to give a quality content, deserve nothing but praise. If you don’t like what they write, there is only one thing to do, don’t read it. And if you have nothing good to say, it is better to say nothing. There is no reason to be filling their inbox with horrible comments, insults, pointing their mistakes if there’s no a constructive reason behind. Im always saying this but we don´t know what’s in each other lives, so maybe by leaving those things, you’re ruining their day.

There is a huge variety of styles to choose from, so it's a matter of looking for what you like and keep going. There are stories that are simpler to read, others more complicated, with metaphors, more description, maybe more elaborated (I don’t say that the simple ones are bad, but they are easier to read, at least for me, and I like it), some have shorter chapters, others longer. There are about J/C, about secondary characters, one shoots, multichapters, fluffy, angsty, canon divergence, AU... And luckily, the number of people who dare to write their own stories grows day by day, and the ones we already know improves every week, with every new story so, why don’t we go for kindness, good comments, and constructive criticism instead of sending hateful inboxes?

For writers: I can’t express how much happiness you give me every day, how I improved my English since I started reading. Reading every story makes me understand how you write the characters we love (and hate), how you understand them, how can you put them in different scenarios, different eras, in which they are presidents, florists, doctors, professors, businessmen, swimmers, make them go through difficult times, beautiful ones, and that so and all you make them shine. The possibilities you have are immense and I can’t wait to read everything they have to offer, because I’m sure is going to be a masterpiece. I know is easier said than done but it’s better to focus in the ones who really cares for the time you put into this, who waits impatiently for a sneak peak, an entire chapter, background information about your story, pics, whatever. Haters gonna hate and I personally believe it had nothing to do with you, they are just mean people, maybe bored ones who thinks is funny to send those kind of messages and don’t really care if they are hurting you in the process. Keep doing your thing, you are free to do it and there are a lot of people willing to read whatever you do.

Thank you for being brave enough to share a piece of you, of your creativity and sorry for being lazy and sometimes forget to leave a comment, or read the chapters 657946 years later, believe me when I say I do love everything you write and I end up laughing, crying, jumping in my bed when some characters kiss for the first time after a long slow burn, and sometimes completely shooked at the end of every chapter and wanting for more ❤️❤️❤️

@imagineclaireandjamie @missclairebelle @notevenjokingfic @abbydebeaupreposts @kalendraashtar  @jmoonrise  @sassenachwaffles @lenny9987 @curlsgetdemgurls @bonniebird17 @wunderlichkind @julesbeauchamp @sassenachwriter @ladyviolethummingbird @jack-andthestalk @balfeheughlywed @claryclark @thatsoccercoach @kkruml @whiskynottea @laythornmuse @magnoliasinbloom @written-rebellion @phaedrecameron @takemeawaytocamelot @thefraserwitch @gotham-ruaidh @mybeautifuldecay @mo-nighean-rouge @monigheandonn1743 @suhailauniverse @anoutlandishfanfic @owlish-peacock36 @devaigh @holdhertightandsayhername @dancinginadaydream @crossinginstyle (i’m sorry if i forgot someone 🙏🏼) 

I hope this makes sense since I’m writing this with the help of google translator bc I’m tired, sleepy and my English sucks lately 😊

[bookishbeautie]

My Journey to Self Discovery

So this post was originally posted on my website here. The main reason I am reposting it is because I want to set up the blogs theme and I need some content to be able to see what everything will look like. 

But I am also very proud of this. Even though my thoughts are all a mess and there is no structure or proper grammar, I am proud that I have finally made my first post. 

Friday, November 8th 2019. 1:15 AM

Anxiety has seemed to cripple my life for as long as I can remember. Many of my family members who may read this may disagree as they generally think am an outgoing people-person.

The truth is, it is only around very select few people that I tend to open up and have more confidence. Over the years the number of people I have in my trust circle has shrunk considerably.

I have never been one to have many friends, so it’s not like I ever really had a huge group of people around me, but all the people I thought I trusted and knew well enough to have in my life until I was well into my old age has shrunk all the way down to zero. The only people I really consider close enough to trust would be my family.

This doesn’t mean that all these people left, there were a couple people that I had considered to have left (and I don’t blame them), but for the most part it was all my doing. But nevertheless there is still the emotional pain from these loses that I never seemed to have processed.

I have never had a steady sense of self. There is not one thing that contributed to this, but I do place a lot of blame of the bullying I endured while I was growing up. I grew up wanting to please people. I wanted people to like me. So when people didn’t like me for whatever reason - whether it be because I dressed a little more tomboy and alternative than all the other girls my age, or because of my taste in music, or even just because I seemed to be the sore thumb of my grade. The bullying never stopped. At one point I found myself asking what I needed to do in order for them to just leave me alone

I got a whole list of things I needed to do. And I pretty much had to change everything about myself. And let me tell you, I tried. I asked people I considered friends how I could accomplish

This moment has always stuck with me.

This seems so silly to talk about now when this happened like 15 years ago, but these are still memories that weight on my heart and seem to prevent me from moving forward with my life.

I have such a fear of judgement and abandonment, I have based almost all of my life decisions around those fears.

Because I would give into my fears, I slowly gave them more and more power and didn’t notice that in return my world was growing smaller and smaller. I started reaching out to people less, then would rarely reply when someone reached out to me. I started going out less and preferred to stay at home. If I made plans I would cancel them last minute even though I would then be swallowed by a wave of depression knowing that I was doing more damage than good giving into the anxiety

And this pattern has happened for years. The more independence I have gained with age the more I seem to isolate myself. I give too much power to the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough and that I shouldn’t even bother participating in life because happiness is not something you deserve.

And it is so hard getting out of that mindset when every molecule in your body believes that and has believed it for the majority of your life.

Of course I want to better myself. Of course I want to live life for me and achieve all the things I dream about at night. I want to travel the world and carve my own path in life. I want to have a family. I want to make a name for myself. I want to pursue my passions. Yet the dreams I have always had did not match the expectations and family and most of all society. I have never fit in a mold, I have always done things my own way, yet I have now had the courage and the strength to stick up to all the voices that are telling me I will fail or that I am not good enough.

The past un-dealt with fear has festered for so long I can barely accomplish anything. Whenever I do start a new venture or hobby, the passion comes on life a tidal wave. I could stay up for days straight brainstorming new things, but when it comes to actually sitting down and putting genuine effort in, I panic.

The voices in my head start getting louder. I have the voices of my parents criticizing me for not ever finishing anything. The voices in my head of my peers who laughed and mocked any time I did put myself and my work out there. I felt like I could never make anyone happy.

But thats the exact problem.

I have lived my entire life wanting to make other people happy thinking that peoples opinions of me will equal what I am worth. While I have craved to life an independent life solely for myself, my actions have done the complete opposite.

And now I am a 26 year old girl who is still living in her teenage self’s head.

But that’s where this blog comes in. This beautiful blog that I have been trying to start since May 2013.

For reference, it’s now November 2019.

That just tells you how shit I am at doing anything.

But I am tired of living this way. Im tired of living in the past. I am tired of giving weight to the opinion of people who don’t matter in my life. I am tired of worrying about what everyone thinks of me and thinking I need to get others approval of myself if I am ever going to be happy.

I hope that through this self discovery journey I am able to connect with others out there who may have had similar experiences. I am hoping to learn how to trust other people and let people in. I am a very emotional person but it seems when it comes to friendships I have built up walls too high for me to scale.

But most of all, I hope I can use this blog as a journey of transformation. Right now I know my head is a jumbled mess, but I am hoping that the more I just right and document how I am feeling and what exactly I want out of life, I will slowly be able to paint a vivid, colourful, exquisite life for myself.

I'd also really like to learn grammar. I know this must be painful to read.

Baby steps.

Lisa

[yvvaine]

What do you think of Jon + Dany?

Well I’ve already answered what I think of the romantic pairing (Spoiler! Some pretty hot, scathing tea and a couple of fart noses sprinkled in) 

So I’ll answer this question a bit differently - keep in mind my opinion is pretty much book-based (though I feel like the show is at least trying to give off this vibe, even if they fall short a bit with Jon’s characterization and are further along in portraying where I think Dany will eventually end up): 

Both are grey characters straddling the line between light and dark. It’s prob why there are some interesting parallels on the surface - its when you get to the end of these parallels that they fork off a bit in their handling or their decisions. While there are better narrative examples of this i think a great metephor just to get the basic idea would be that  wonderful image in the show of Dany and Jon holding out their hands in the White Walker battle, which seems a perfect parallel to when Ygritte did the same when the two were scaling the wall, but ends much differently; Jon grabbing Ygritte’s outstretched hand, and Jon rejecting Dany’s. A parallel that forks off with different, often opposite, decisions. 

 So Both are grey characters, however, if there is a line perfectly in the middle, I see Jon as off to the light side of that perfect 50/50 line, and Dany on the darker. Thats not to say they both haven’t had their problematic moments and what not (the show has been less effective in portraying Jon this way and tend to leave out a lot of these instances). Or their good moments either. And they’re both still firmly in the grey area. But i feel the image definitely sums the whole ‘hero of the other side’ thing. They’re foils, inverse of one another, two different sides of a coin. Which is why its so easy to mistake them as the same breed, for lack of a better term; a purposely misleading narrative that will most definitely be used to enrich and shock the story, especially toward the end. Its a plot device GRRM will surely use, considering how infamous it would make his stories, and he is definitely a good and well thought writer if nothing else. 

And the further down the rabbit hole the two of them go, the further their decisions and world views cement and push them toward their roles as “hero” and “villian”. But neither term actually exemplifies their respective character because they’re still grey colored, and those terms are literally (and metephorically) black and white. And since they’re both sympathetic characters, whose POVs we see regularly, and their journeys takes place over many books and a long period of canon time, its harder and harder for the GA to not get invested (hence many’s shortsightedness) - which is less an indictment on say the audience’s intelligence or understanding of the story (esp for those that don’t see it; its only the people who purposefully refuse to respectively and openmindedly consider the theories and opinions of others that i think really merits the term ‘ignorant’), and more a mark of how compelling and amazing GRRM is as a writer to pull such a tricky thing off. I doubt many writers could do the same. 

I sympathize immensely with Dany and her hard, often horrible journey. And for the most part she’s just trying to do the best she’s able under difficult circumstances. How i interpret her, however, is not as the heroine of the story, despite her good intentions, more as the anti-hero, or the tragic hero:

The tragic hero is a longstanding literary concept, a character with a Fatal Flaw (like Pride, for example)[or in Dany’s case ignorance, an easy temper, and shortsightedness] who is doomed to fail in search of their Tragic Dream [in the show its more the iron throne, for the sake of the IT, and Book!Dany is getting there for sure, but for the most part rn in the books its Westeros for the sake of this intangible dream of ‘home’] despite their best efforts or good intentions.

Concept wise, a tragic hero can be BOTH an antagonist and/or a protagonist, and even as the “villain” is usually recognized as the Tragic Hero by the audience’s sympathy toward them/their plight.

I looooove Dany’s character. She was originally my all time favorite, and though after the first book is no longer my first favorite, is still in my top five. She’s well fleshed, complicated, good, bad, and open to lots of different interpretation.  I know some people absolutely hate her (more show fans I think), and while many consider me an “anti” esp. as I don’t think she’s a “hero”, or that she makes a good, effective queen, and I still believe she is doomed for darkness - that doesn’t mean I hate her. I still love her regardless of all this. I feel bad for her. And i think the story would severely suffer without her in it. I also think she’s a character right out of Homer or Shakespeare’s writing, or Tolkien’s, or a Greek tragedy. 

If I had to choose which character I loved more: it would be Dany. If I had to choose a character i think will be closer to villian than a hero out of the two, it too would be Dany. The beliefs are not mutually exclusive. 

And I can see how it seems I might be “picking” on Dany to some, as I dont mention or discuss Jon nearly as much, but honestly thats just because I find Dany wayyyyyyyyyyyy more interesting and thought-provoking of a character

There’s a lot of accusations that people who criticize Dany are ‘hating on her’ just because she’s a strong, powerful woman, esp. when they dont speak out about other characters as much, and Im sure that may be the case for some as this fandom does have a good amount of bad apples, but thats not why I criticize or appear to focus on her at ALL. For instance, I dislike and hate book!Tyrion (show Tyrion is fine) WAY more than I criticize Dany (who i like). Like vehemently dislike him. I just don’t feel the need to talk about it because the analysis is pretty straight-forward and doesn’t change much. But Dany always changes, at least for me, especially the more I read different theories or interpertations that either coincide or differ from my own. I never get tired of peeling her layers like an onion, or reevaluating my opinion of her. This ended up being way longer than I thought lmao. 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 1 | Part. 1 “Can I Kick the Tomb?”- Kendall

Me before Day 1 of Hosts: “I really am excited to be back and playing my official last season of Tumblr Survivor (and ORG) ever.” *40 SEASONS LATER*

https://66.media.tumblr.com/9abe7e9a250f88588980b89fdbc5bd6f/tumblr_pj4lahOlsg1s34uqa_400.gifv

I’m back for another shot and I’m thrilled to see where this goes! It’s been three years since I last played an ORG so I can’t wait to see how much Tumblr Survivor has changed. And who knows, maybe I’ll be lucky this time around. The main thing I’m looking to accomplish this time around is that I have fun! I feel like I took my previous seasons way too seriously (what can I say, I’m competitive) and I feel like that clouded my judgement. I mean, I’d like to win too!! But I want to be able to enjoy myself and make friendships that last a long time outside of this game. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I am currently at home as an unemployed college graduate. So, I feel like this is the perfect time for me to get back into the Tumblr Survivor community and get another shot at an ORG before my life gets busy again. In the past, ORGs have really conflicted with my work/life structure. That’s mainly why I said I’d never do orgs again, because I hated having internal mental breakdowns in public. I didn’t think I’d give it another go around, but now that I don’t have work/school to focus on. And since I have no idea how long this pandemic will last, might as well find ways to occupy my time through ORGs. I feel like I have done almost everything one can do on Tumblr Survivor… except win. Here is a quick summary of the games I played previously to help me reflect on what I can improve upon this time around. First time around, I was a mid-merge boot in Maluku after I was exposed for flipping on the fans and lost everyone’s trust. In Newfoundland, I was sapphire idoled out as an early merge boot for being in charge of the dominant alliance. In Ancient Greece, I was a 4th place robbed goddess after literally controlling the whole game and cut loose by my alliance right before FTC. And in Hosts, I flipped on my OG alliance after finding out people in the alliance wanted me out and got runner-up. So I hope that I can change things around this season and HOPEFULLY win (I’ll cry if I’m a pre-merge boot). My strategy going into this game is just to get to know people on a human level and allow them to think I’m someone who will follow commands/take orders. I don’t want to be the person deciding who goes home, but I want people to feel comfortable talking their every game move with me. Perception is key for this game, so if my allies think they can drag me to the end I’m going to let them think that. I’m hoping with that perception, I can be a subtle move maker this season. Almost as if no one sees me coming for them. I find that my fault in previous seasons is that I either put myself in the leadership role, or I’m too far in the bottom that I’m criticized for all decisions I make. I’m hoping that I have trust for those who are in the alliance within the alliance so that we can eventually overthrow whoever the person in charge is. For now, I just want to socialize and get to know people and hope that by increasing the social game the strategy will all fall into place. One thing that does scare me going into this season is possible pre-existing relationships. I’ve been out of Tumblr Survivor for the past three years and honestly have no idea what happened in previous seasons. I also don’t really keep up with anyone in the community either, so I’m going in with almost zero connections. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. The good thing is that it allows me to form genuine relationships with them, and I can ensure to my alliance that I’m 100% loyal to them going forward. Numbers are important, so if my tribe sees me as a number it would indicate. The bad thing is that if people know each other, then they could easily get me out if they choose to do so. Especially if they know my reputation as a “flipper” and think I won’t be trustworthy going into a merge/endgame. So I’m hoping that if I have a strong presence on night 1 that I can be included in the alliances and get my way into the majority. Because the last thing I’d want is to be Ethan Zohn’d out of the game. Waiting all this time just to be pre merge would be TRAGIC. Overall, I’ve grown over the past three years and I hope that I can reflect that onto this season. Since I last played an ORG, I came out to everyone through social media and I’ve been able to increase my self-confidence. Last time I played I just finished my freshmen year of college. Now, I’m graduating and going to attend graduate school to get my masters degree. I feel like I’ve grown and matured as a person, so I’m going into this season almost as a completely different person. There’s no holding myself back from anyone and I know that at the end of the day, I’m just here to have fun. So I’m ready for this big adventure that’s ahead of me, because I’m hoping to finish my last ORG (forreal) on a high note!

okay so the season hasn't even started yet and in a shock to nobody i'm already cracked out of my mind? i have fully been spiralling and researching who could possibly also be in the cast based on their avatars? i'm not gonna embarrass myself and put who i have predicted because whenever i put that in a confessional im always wrong without fail? anyway so thought i'd put what my plan is here SO when i completely do not follow this i can look back at myself for being a clown? BUT anyway this season coming back as a winner is very, very scary. it looks like i am going to be the only winner on my tribe, and one of only three winners in the entire game which is very very scary. also last season i was able to kind of operate from a position of being super underestimated? like nobody had eyes on me and that allowed me to get away with murder, and this season i need to play with a consistent awareness that people will... know what shenanigans i'm pulling and always will be tentative to let me play unrestricted. also i am so happy about being on the brawn tribe - that is SUCH a good landing spot for me. i would hate to be a winner put on a tribe for social ability (beauty), or strategic ability (brain)... it also means hopefully i could be in a tribe with less social people who are just challenge beasts, so as long as i am pulling my weight in challenges hopefully can wriggle my way in? the avatars on my tribe are real hard to place, two are not players i even recognise and from looking at the wiki - my only guess is someone called jake from generations is na'onka? just because he is also on the record page for immunity wins... so we will see? i'm just very very worried that i'm going to become alienated for being a former winner but i really. really hope that's not the case! in general... my aim is to just make jury, there are gonna be like no winners in this cast and there are going to be such eyes on me accordingly, so i need to play much more round by round, with a survival mentality? this season is gonna be a disaster for me but we will see how it goes NNNN.

I’m back… somehow! It’s kinda crazy how this is my sixth season of Tumblr Survivor (and my first TS game in like almost two years) but I was just wanting to play. I’ve done just about everything you can do in TS (leave premerge, participate in a Redemption Island duel, be a tribe swap captain, win individual immunity, have an idol, have a double vote, go home with an advantage, be the last person from your original tribe, leave in a rock draw, negate votes with an idol, and make it to the end)... except win, I haven’t quite been able to do that just yet! However, that is all gonna change in Akhmim and I’m sending that in stone. (watch me be a clown and leave first gfbndms). I don’t know, I just really want to prove myself as a capable player yknow? Ultimately, I’m here to look cute, chew bubblegum and kick ass. (‘:

Oh my god, synapses are firing all throughout my brain right now. I didn't prepare myself well enough for this season, but...I have friends here! LMAO! Jordan and Liam L are two people I know very well, I've seen Jakey around on FB, and I've spotted Ali on Discord! I'm hoping I can just integrate myself well enough cause there's a lot happening for me right now...

So I’m on Hathor which is the Beauty Tribe which… does not surprise me at all really? Not saying that I’m pretty or anything but I got 2 brain cells and suck at challenges so being a Beauty was my only option oop. That being said, looking at my Tumblr Survivor ~career~, I’ve only gotten 7 votes (only 5 that count) in the last 3 seasons that I played where I got 6th, 12th, and 2nd place SO that must mean I’m doing something right to be in people’s good graces? With that in mind, I want to be the Belle of the Ball and be the cutest beauty here so people wanna love me, protect me, and work with me <3

Jess, 6:51 PM Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb.. 6:52 PM Can I kick the Tomb? Alyssa, 6:52 PM you can 6:52 PM I kick the tomb Alyssa, 6:52 PM Unfortunately you have not entered the tomb

oh gorl. i cant believe it ladies and gays we're BACK BACK BACK AGAIN.... thanks coronavirus for completely putting my life on pause making me unemployed and able to have the time to do this again? No but on a serious note who in the hell would've guessed little old me coming back out HOPEFULLY one last time, and my mission this time is quite simple. WIN ALREADY BITCH. ITS ABOUT TIME, ITS ENOUGH, WE'RE TIRED. This will officially be my third time playing tumblr survivor, so lemme try and give yall a quick recap just so everyone knows a little bit about me. My very first time playing, I was an extremely young and naive 17 year old who was COMPLETELY tripping, yet it somehow worked for me and I made it to day 39 in og egypt. However, I didnt get a damn vote so that's when I first realized maybe I got some growing to do.... Fast forward to 2 years later, i was 19, moved out of my parents house, living on my own, so a little bit of character development on my own part, and it reflected in my game so much. I was learning from my mistakes and it got to a point where...i legitimately had a shot to win!! I was being smart and strategic, but, I made one mistake that cost me everything when I was so close, top 5, not too bad. 3 years later, and here we are. I'm still living on my own, im no longer that ugly ducking baby adam but now im slowly on my path to mother goose moment! im in a place in my life where im not only physically feeling myself, but I now know who I really am. With age comes wisdom and another chance at tumblr survivor!! Being this is my 3rd time I absolutely want to go all out. I want to WIN. Im so ready, especially on a season like this, brains vs. braun vs. beauty, one of my favorite twists especially because beauty just means so much to me. Not even in like a vain way honestly, like yeah i know im a bad bitch i know im a cutie physically but to me being a beauty is being able to really have a sense of CHARM about you and being able to get whatever you want with it Looking back at my games in tumblr survivor, and in life in general, i usually get my way with the help of my big mouth. I'm absolutely not the best in the challenges, and i might not always be the one who's able to come up with a big plan, but one thing about me thats for sure is im always one to find my way in the know somehow. In both my seasons I played with a very similar approach, first i assess my tribe and everyone in the game and see how workable i feel with people, and from there on i start building relationships. It's like gardening, you find the people you connect the most with, and build from there, and the ones i dont, i simply wont waste my time with and theyll be the ones i vote out, but ultimately as long as it aint me, then oop sorry to these people not me already writing a whole book and i havent even started talking about anyone but MYSELF YET DSFFHJKAFH.....im so sorry @hosts pls forgive me i warned yall i go on and on but ANYWHO ill try to wrap this up. Basically, im in love with my tribe right now, ive obviously talked to everyone and been having really good conversations with Augusto and Kendall. I really like them and could definitely see myself aligning with them. But aside from them I was honestly GAGGED AND GOOPED to see some familiar faces even on this TRIBE. AMIR is someone who i know from way back when in my tumblr candicestewart days when i was raising hell, we were mutuals but havent spoken since so years really, however in a game like this you can take the tiniest bit of association and use it as a groundwork for trust, so stay tuned for that...also AJ?????? me and him have spoken every now and then through various communities we fall into so thats another interesting dynamic, im not sure how anyone feels about me but im hoping they just like me enough not to be the first boot... Also im really glad there doesnt seem to be a lot of juggernaut type players here, my last season was challengers vs. champions so there was a LOT going on with 10 winners and 10 challenger, but speaking of that season i almost forgot to mention JAKE???? JAKE IS BACK TOO???? this.....could be really bad for me. For those who dont know, in cvc, me/jake/jessy had an iconic alliance because of our ~herstory together which stems back to us all being 14/15, and yeah i worked with them for as long as i could, but jake basically ran a cult on challengers vs champions which obviously i wasnt a target as long as i had them as shields by my side so we worked well together, until final 6 that is when i made my move and my vote was the reason jake went home. My whole season people kept saying adam just wants to sleep and play their game, when the truth was, im no dummy, i always knew id have to turn on them, it was just about waiting for the right moment and thats what i did, and if i could go back, id do it again! However, this is a completely new game so to me its a do over, i hope he doesnt have any baggage against me but i guess we'll just have to wait and see if we ever make it on the same tribe even, but i know he's just as good as me so i think we'll see each other again real soon.. this is my 3rd time playing, ive had a good cirie run but i do NOT want to be hvv'd cirie'd whatsoever. and thats kinda my fear coming back, I wanna be able to keep playing lowkey and having people underestimate me for as long as i possibly can, because guess what thats what works every time, these people are such fools they fall for it over and over again! they absolutely should beware of me because im here, and im in it, and i will absolutely lie cheat etc to just about anyone if it means getting me farther. ive got plenty of friends, im here for my virtual crown anywho. first book over with. i swear this was only so long because i was taking about myself too much, wont be as bad next time! well lemme not be delusional i do love talking about myself but xoxo thats it for now time to go back to having conversations and praying if we lose this challenge im not first boot

also getting to (hopefully) play with autumn again? the egyptian gods are good to me 

So I’m making my Day 1 confessional mainly so that I hit the 500-word requirement for the first challenge. Tumblr Survivor is different than when I last played 3 years ago. I hope I don’t come across as doing TOO MUCH but I’ve already started on the challenge and I’m trying to spend the first few days socializing and getting to know people. My goal is to have people come to me with alliances because it shows to me that they want to work with me. If I lay the foundation for the alliances, then I get the image that I’m running things. And I want other people to fill those shoes so that I can play an under the radar game. I feel like this is a group of people that I can stick with long term. I have a reputation for being a flipper, so I’m hoping that I can show to the Brains tribe that I plan to be loyal to these people long term in this game. But I also hope that I’m never put in a position where people want me to flip. Anyways, here’s my Day 1 analysis of my tribe: Trace – We played in Maluku together 6 years ago and I flipped on the fans the first tribal to vote him out. Granted, he got his revenge by making me the first boot of a versus side season, I hope he doesn’t try to seek vengeance now. So far I feel like we’re gonna be civil with one another. We talked about him and his boyfriend Matt, how he got a new dog just 3 days before quarantine, and how he recently moved to San Jose California. To me, it makes me think things are pretty civil between us. I could see Trace being a future leader of this tribe, so I hope that he goes about taking that role and makes the first move against people so I can work alongside him. Isaac – My history with Isaac is that I hosted Malaysia, and I feel like we’re on good terms. Which is nice because I don’t have to do the small talk with him and can just go right into the strategy. Sadly I don’t know him too well since he was voted out Day 6, but I felt bad that he was an early boot. The age difference between him and the other contestants played a role in it :/. But right now we’re hitting the ground running with things. We’re talking about my dog at the moment (which I intentionally changed my profile pic to her so that people would use it as conversation starters – we love strategic thinking!) Devon – I like Devon, but at the same time, I also see right through him. Devon’s trying to play a UTR game. I respect that, however, I’m trying to play a UTR game too. We had a brief call to solidify our allegiance to each other. He told me how he was loyal to Alyssa and Jess and they screwed him over big time during Guyana. So I’m seeing that he already has a plan to make sure that doesn’t happen. I want to keep him around because I could see the two of us being a dynamic duo going forward, similarly to Me/Matt in Maluku or Me/Andrew in Hosts. I need to make sure someone else calls the shots and brings me/devon in so we can plot against getting them out. Also, he’s really attractive and it saddens me that he’s straight so I now have to work on that. Autumn – a QUEEN!!! I love her! She’s iconic, she’s a legend, she’s never the same, she’s talented, she’s EVERYTHING! Considering that she’s one of 3 females on this cast, I hope that she and I can be the iconic male/female duo that I have every time I play. Similarly to Me/Maria in Maluku, Me/Lizard in Newfoundland, Me/Gerda in Ancient Greece, & Me/Jessy in Hosts. Right now we’re bonding over graduate school and the severity of the pandemic, so I hope that we can work together long term in the game because I love her. I also have to be careful with her because she’s won before. Duncan – I like Duncan so far too. We’ve played an org season together before I took my 3-year hiatus, but I don’t remember which one. And neither does he LOL. But so far we’ve just talked about psychology since we have a lot of respect for that field and how survivor is a huge social experiment. I’m hoping that he doesn’t see me as a major threat because of our intellectual talk. I like him so far, so hopefully, we can work together going forward. We’ve also talked about the types of dogs we both have and what we’ve been up to with our lives, which I like being able to get to know everyone. Bodhi – I messaged him saying “hi” and he ignored me, so I am comfortable with him being the first boot. However, I will need to have other people go and say they want him out so I can be like “cool let’s do it”. Maybe this will change tomorrow, we’ll see. But that’s where I’m at right now. Overall, I think I have a good fitting with the group. I don’t like that no one’s made an alliance chat yet, but I think my conversation with Devon confirms that I have allies going forward. Plus it's also Day 1, so no one wants to make that type of move yet. I’m hoping that by sticking with the social game for now that I can get people to like me and include me in alliances that they have. For now, I’m just gonna keep talking about my dog until that happens 😊

hey guys its me, again. I know i said I was done going on and on but now i have some tea! the tea is: IM PISSED. last time i played in challengers vs. champions i made it my prerogative to be the first one to find the hidden immunity idol, and so guess what for the last 4 1/2 hours ive been DECIPHERING and trying to figure out how to get it, first i spent 2 hours learning heiroglyphyics because my dumbass really thought it was hidden in plain sight right on our logo! until i realized it made no sense at all, but hey, good to know ill be able to find my way through an egyptian pyramid now if i ever need to! So i kept digging, a little deeper until i seen these little numbers on the blog under all the cast reveals, this was what told me i had just wasted my time with the heiroglyphs but that i was onto an actual lead now, so upon doing that, i was messaging both aj and amir discussing my theories with them because i figured if i didnt find it, i wouldnt mind them finding it....but i definitely just want it for myself first because cmon this is survivor and we havent even had any tribals yet, therefor sure ill let people THINK i trust them, but at the end of the day i only truly trust me, myself, and i. amir then helped me crack that the numbers on the blog actually spelled out the three gods names that our tribes are named after, so then about another hour goes by and i cant find NOTHING ive tried flipping the names, doing research into them, and got nowhere. until i realized, it was so simple, all i needed to do was look at MY tribes god, HATHOR, and then i took that name and coded it into numbers, which lead me to finding the idol trigger. Lemme tell yall how ecstatic I was to find it, it made all my work tonight completely worth it, or at least i thought until i tried entering the tomb and had to answer these questions to get in, and i got one wrong along the way..... I WAS SO CLOSEEEEEEEEEEE, THEN MY DUMBASS OVERTHOUGHT ONE OF THE EASIEST QUESTIONS AND BLEW IT. now i have to wait another 24 hours before trying again, which drives me crazy, i solved and cracked this puzzle within 4 hours, who's to say every other person on this tribe wont do the same? if someone finds it and gets it all right before i do, im gonna be so mad at myself but hey at least i tried, im gonna give myself kudos for figuring that shit out it was not easy!!! and i at least made what i would assume would be one of the first attempts at it, so anyone else who tries yall are copying me and trust you WILL hear from my lawyers!

i am not as upset to be back as i thought i would be! i don't hate the cast and theres only one person in the game that im not excited to see and ironically, its not jordan pines. I got stuck with a bunch of mayo boys at first but then you guys blessed me by bringing autumn into the tribe. THATS MY DAUGHTER AMERICA! i literally was the one to bring her into the community and never got to play with her, i think its crazy that after such a long hiatus from us both that the quarantine gifted me the chance to play with her. Hopefully i can last longer than 1 round to enjoy it lol. Also the boys aren't that bad! They're all really pleasant and enjoyable so far and i found out Trace used to live in STL so we're bonding on that! I'm hoping i can do well but ultimately I'm enjoying this tribe for what its worth but i just can't figure out what to do to go idol hunting haha.

To start, it’s important to acknowledge how good it feels to be back in TS. I wasn’t quite too sure what kind of cast to expect, considering most members from my original season, Guyana, would likely feel uneasy with me in the game. However, it looks like TJ is the only one from Guyana representing this season, which is great news for me. Even then, TJ and I got along great after the season ended, so he doesn’t worry me in the long run. My current tribe is clearly skilled in the social game, because everyone has been active beyond belief. Right now, I would describe my closest ally as Scott. He is a clear-cut threat, but has a lot more connections than I do and could be useful to me in the early stages of the game. We called for a bit last night, and continued to be around the bush about gameplay. However, if we ever lost a challenge, I feel like he’d run with whatever plan we come up with. In terms of my LEAST closest connection, I’d go with Bodhi. He’s a nice kid, but we just don’t relate and he can come across as arrogant at times. Scott has already mentioned him as a first boot, so I’ll likely stay clear of any game talk with Bodhi for the time being unless its pushed onto my lap. My biggest blessing/curse in this game will be the fact that I’ve played FAR less times than a majority of the players. Almost gives a ‘Russell Hantz’ vibe. Far less credibility entering a new season with experienced and well known players, but also means there is less material for them to know about when it comes to my game. As long as I don’t overplay my hand and let the game talk come to me, I could set myself up PERFECTLY on the Brains tribe. Autumn has been fairly quiet, but we talked a bit about television shows, which is great common ground to build on. It would be hard to classify her as a threat right now, but I wonder how much she has been talking to others. As for Isaac, he came in late to my DMs because of his work shift. We both work within food service, so it was nice to reflect on our work shifts and ask him about his interests. I think he’s capable of being someone worth working with, but no game talk has taken place between us. If we lose an upcoming challenge, I expect for that to change rather quickly. When it comes to Duncan, I’m not sure how to read him yet. He’s oddly active, and has likely been talking to everyone for an extensive period. I’d like to say I trust him, but I’m sure others feel a similar way. It will be difficult to pinpoint him as a threat to others, but we will see how things unfold based on the challenge trend. Finally, there was Trace. We held a steady conversation for a bit, but then he disappeared. Would likely make for an “inactive” boot if he doesn’t turn around his social game early, but things happen. Based on the number of times he has played already, it would be ideal to get rid of him within the first 3-5 rounds of the game.  

Here’s my cast assessment: Brains: Scott – This guy seems awesome. He seems smart, he seems well-spoken, he seems humble. I’m really excited to meet this guy down the line. Bodhi – All I know about him is he’s supposedly a crackhead and you should be careful around strategically… not sure how I’d fit in there. Trace – I like him! Funny, sassy, he and I totally need to meet! Devon – Fucking Slithers… Isaac – I’m hoping this isn’t the Isaac I fought with in a different game because this guy seems really funny and genuine. Duncan – What is he wearing? Autumn – She seems chill. I’d like to talk to her and get to know her some more. Beauties: Austin – He seems like a good southern boy, but I imagine there’s a diabolic side to him that the intro video doesn’t show. I’m gonna watch out for him. Adam – Another funny guy. He’s got a great personality and I could see making it far, but I also see him as someone that could get to self-involved and make a mistake down the line. Kendall – Ok, she’s cute and funny. Please let her be my new Lexi (and don’t let her be like Alyssa) Augusto – Seems like a good guy, but I’m not sure how our styles would mesh just based on his introduction Connor – Is this Zwooper Connor? Because like… hell yes!!! AJ – Not sure what to say here. Not much of an intro. But he seems interesting. Amir – I’m curious to see what this guy is like. I could see him being like someone I played with my first season which would be intriguing. Brawns: Dan – I’ve been hosted by Dan. I’ve played with Dan. I think he could be a great person to work with moving forward and I’m excited to reconnect with him. Liam M – He’s a funny guy from my interactions from him. He’s been quiet, but I’d imagine he’s not that quiet. TJ – Dumbass Liam L – I love Liam. We just finished another season together, so I could see us working well together Jakey – This guy is F-U-N-N-Y! I need him around. Jordan – Is this guy full of himself? Or like… how do you name a season after yourself? Ali – I like this guy. He’s going to be a social threat as a winner, so I’m gonna let him make himself a bigger threat.

okay so this is going to be my five hundred word confessional! My cast assessment is uploading so this is going to be a bit out of order but some updates. im now in an alliance with jordan and jake so life is GOOD. I love them both and they're both kinda chaotic and super fun which is super exciting! i also cracked the idol code with dennis yesterday in my host chat! my plan is to search again in three hours when i can, hopefully snag the idol and then tell my two lovelies so i can build trust. thats the goal anyway... in other news... trace from brain thinks he is SO slick. he edited his wiki to remove the fact that him and connor are friends like sir... the fact y'all hosted together is enough for people to be worried about you, you going all FBI level redacted is so stupid? it makes it look like MORE of a thing. anyway so if i can get my way one of connor or trace (or both im not picky) would go prejury... hehehehhe hmm wowie five hundred words is a lot more than i thought.... anyway so other thoughts lemme think... i think my game plan this season is something im going to stick to of gravitating towards the big personalities and threats. like i need cover as a winner with that said im very lucky that im probably the worst winner of the three? amir is literally one of the scariest ever and im terrified of him... and autumn i love her but she is more fun and strategic than me! like me landing on brawn is also great, because i'd rather be seen as brawny than strategic or social... god i really do not know how to fill up 500 words this is so tough not enough has happened yet hmmm... maybe i update my tribe thoughts... so Jake I LOVE, he is so much fun and i think we are gonna really really vibe... im excited hehehe. Jordan Pines is a legit legend, like he is gonna be SUCH a hoot i feel it... me jordan and jakey are literally gonna blow stuff up on this tribe and beyond im MANIFESTING it. others on my tribe... TJ is lovely! he talks so formally hehe its like our conversation is a script? like its human but its slightly rehearsed and weird its odd. British Liam I really like I really wanna stick with him but I am worried for him about being an easy vote? I wanna keep him safe tbh... then other Liam is ofc close to Jordan, which btw im SO glad jordan like addressed head on with me... im kinda fine with him sticking around now at this point... dan I love too! i think at this point my priorities are sticking with jake and jordan, while also protecting liam lovelis if he becomes a target because i really like him!! liam m first boot if jordan is fine with it, otherwise TJ...

I haven't done one of these yet and honestly, I am just gonna spill a little about my tribe? I like everyone a lot so far. I hope that we can win some challenges and stay safe for a while. I really like Ali, Jordan, and Jakey so far. But also, I know them from before this. Ali and I have never played together I don't think but we have always talked about wanting to. Jakey and I go waaaay back. He is actually from the same part of NY as me. We had a rocky relationship years ago but we have both come a really long way maturity wise. Then there is Mr. Jordan Pines. We always have good intentions and want to work with one another, but we always seem to start off on track, and then identify each other as threats and kill one another. He usually out places me so I want to keep an eye on him. As for the others, I'm really just trying to remain social, make those connections, but focus on the people that I know. I hate playing like that, but honestly, it might get me farther. As far as my strategy this game, I want to be super loyal to people. That's how I played my last game and it got me 2nd place. I know that I should be striving for first, but honestly second isn't too bad lmao. I think that what was missing from my last TS game was the glamour. The jury said they missed "big moves" and "idol plays". Well honey, let's do that then! I need to come up with a plan to incorporate those things into a strong social game. I just fear that I'll be damned if I do, and damned if I don't. My fear is that I will come up short with the moves and get second again, or I'll overplay and find myself gettin somewhere between 10th and 7th. I think a way I can get around this is not bringing all the people I trust into a big group. If i'm able to divide and conquer my allies, it will show loyalty, but also strategy. As far as the idols are concerned. Who the fuck knows. I can't get into this tomb, I can't figure anything out about it. I am searching high and low on the blog and pictures trying to find the key into the tomb. I have a feeling it is one of those things where you really need to put in some work to find it. Or it's one of those, it's under your nose the whole time and Jess, Alyssa, and Drew can't believe how stupid you all are. That is more likely the true answer to this haha. I have been asking Ali and Jordan about what they think, and they have basically "come up short" I don't know if that is really true or not, I know that they are really smart players. I think the key could also be in the posts as far as the hashtags. There are some really weird hashtags on some of the posts. Maybe it's a code or something? Lemme look into that.

Soooooo first day was super exciting bc my whole tribe is new ppl which I like bc it's always good to start in a fresh type game ya know. I'm on the beauty tribe werdily so I figure I'm the tai of the season . I also saw on one of the other tribes liam from my season is here so that could be a good or bad thing just have to cross that bridge if and when needed. First person I saw and talked to on my tribe is kendell and I really like her vibe . She seems super chill and I saw she played as a hero is a past season so could be a loyal player. Amiry I actually have seen before in a mini on discord. We didn't talk much but l dis vote him to win in the end so that could be good in my favor . Aj is really nice to seems to be a lil younger then but good to chat with so far. Adam is someone in the game that i have a few things in common with which is great bc connections is exactly what I need to make right now with a game full of new ppl .connor I'm not fully sure how i feel about him yet. He seems like he could be funny but he is always a lil short when we talk and I feel maybe he could be the person to go and i would be okay with it . Augusto is def the person I have probably been talking the most with so far . He seems like he could be my person in this game . I mean things change all the time but as of now that's how I'm feeling about him . I'm so nervous being back in tumblr survivor so soon after my first season in nighingale islands. I got 4th place and if anything I wanna do better now worse . Its alot to hold myself up to but i feel i can push my self more this game and do it . I'm hoping to try and play a lil different this time around . I wanna be bolder and try to do more with myself game wise . I want to play more strategic and not care even more to get my hands dirty. People in the past have called me cutthroat and a villain so why not be the best villain I can be . Finding a idol or advantage and getting a vote at ftc is the other goals I have for myself this season . I know its early but I have a great feeling about the beauty tribe and think we are gonna do great in this game together. Well that's about 500 for the challenge . Hopefully you'll get more confessionals from me in the game . Its gonna be a crazy season . May the tumblr survivor gods be with me in this crazy ass game . Peace out girl scouts . Have a great day . Goodbye all.  

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: BEAUTY TRIBE austin: hes boring but nice and that is okay, just be who u are adam: dangerous, mariah stans dont respect old people, animals or the dead. he scares me. hes real funny tho, kendall: she is so cute, she seems very hesitant to talk to me, but I want to work with her. Shes the only girl on our tribe so like shes not gonna be targetted by a bunch of twinks so its better to be with her than against her augusto: my fav so far, Relatable sweet idk i love him i hope he gives me a chance connor: white gay twink aj: i dont feel Cast Assessment : Winners Ali: my biggest threat in this game by far, kind, can be ruthless, underestimated, he’s gotta GO but I also have to work with him ?? Idk I want to work with him but I don’t think he will want to work with me so idk how I feel about that one yet. Autumn: she is extremely likable from this one intro vid alone...girl we in danger. Want to work with her for sure. 

I want to build a relationship with every member of my tribe, but I am afraid because that could make me a target when I’m already one. Today, I will talk to everyone but not about game at all, tmmrw I will select 1 or 2 people to really trust with game stuff. The goal is to be social but not the most social person on the tribe. I need to get at least 2 or 3 of these people to feel some kind of emotional attachment to me, so I’m gonna keep it strictly personal convos for tonight. I do usually get attached to people as well but this game, being back for the third time, I can’t hesitate to cut a single person. It’s clear some of the people on this tribe are wolves in sheep’s clothing, mainly Adam and Augusto who are lovable and sweet but careful with their words. They are level 3 thinkers (shoutout to jacob). Kendall, Aj, and Connor seem to be more like level 2 thinkers. Austin seems like a level 1 thinker so I have to work with him, those are the kind of allies I need. 

Adam gave the numbers the for this thing, but I told him to use a decoder to turn it into letters. I know I’m an asshole cuz he tried to help me and gave me the clues but I am not going to tell him how to find the tomb, simply because I want it, but I wouldn’t be shocked if he figured it out

Also Amir....

So on my tribe, Kendall has played with aj, Aj has played with Kendall and and Connor, and Connor has played with aj and augusto.Kendall and Aj were never on the same tribe, so that’s not a threat. Augusto and Connor both made it far together and didn’t vote each other out so that’s gotta be something to watch out for. Kendall seems super well connected in general, I think the move is to scoop up Austin and Adam and then take out on of the other 4 but if the 4 of Kendall/Aj/Connor/Augusto end up aligning, well, good luck Charlie! So basically my issue is that I don’t trust anyone. Like everyone on this tribe is either distant or a threat, and the thing is is I HAVE TO TRUST SOMEONE so like?? If I just keep my cards close and not talk game with anyone that’s just ensuring being on the outs, but I can’t choose weather to align with the social threats or the people who I barely know anything about because they don’t wanna talk to me much (Kendall Connor Austin aj) Meeee finks the move is to align with Augusto and Adam, they’re both obviously huge threats, but risks need to be taken so I’m going to work on establishing a game relationship with both of them, I trust Adam more than Augusto, and then we can maybe maybe pull in Austin ? Okay literally no one wants to talk to me i i i i, like no one on this tribe messaged me first except augusto, but hes very hesitant about any info in general. Kendall/austin/connor all do not seem to care to try and talk to me so only 2 things are possible, they have all aligned and are planning my downfall, or people r inactive for now but idk. IDK> i do not trust ANY OF THESE HOES ONE BIT, i have to find this fat ass idol tonight i must i must Im gonna get on a call with adam tonight and try and figure some shit out but homeboy literally told me that he took out jakey in an earlier season even tho it was bad for him jsut cuz it was cool to take out a high profile player like sis what in the actual FUCK AND HES THE ONLY ONE WHO SEEMS INTERESTED IN ALIGNING WITH ME LIKE EWKFNEWKFLEWFE i have no choice but to work with this basket case, GOD WE CANNOT LOSE IMMUNITY WE CANNOTTTTTT the people from the other tribes that I would like to work with the most would be jakey and duncan and bodhi. I really wanted to work with bodhi on cutthroat and I genuinely love duncan he is a sweet heart through and through. I wanna work with jakey because he is a massive threat and has bad blood with people who are in thi game. He can also be volatile and someone I can turn into a target ahead of me if it I required 

guess who just got an IDOL HEHEEHEHE. It's Pharaoh Thoth. It's Pharaoh Thoth. I must have said that literally six hundred times in my host chat, the fact that Thoth is a tribe name was legit staring me in the FACE i'm just stupid. and then i messed up on question 9 at 5AM yesterday so i had to stay up till 5am for a second day running which was soul crushing but.... i have an IDOL. I definitely did much more work this time, compared to last time where benj carried my lifeless corpse across the idol bridge only for me to get two separate idols. dennis definitely had to like defibrillate my brain cells into shape but im proud of the work i put in. having an idol is definitely super scary because the risk of going home with one in my pocket is super super high... but.... hopefully I can use this idol to cause havoc and shake some stuff up. it also covers me for a bad tribe swap which is a situation i really see happening this season for me... it just gives me some cover and some wiggle room! im really excited overall tho... ive already snatched myself up an idol and its only day two? ive got an alliance with my two favourites on the tribe, good connections fostering with all the others on my tribe and an idol... which by the way i'm calling dennis im so excited this season is gonna be hoot... also one more time for good measure ITS PHARAOH THOTH.

Alright! I'm so very excited to be back for Tumblr Survivor Brain vs Brawn vs Beauty! So far I'm really enjoying my tribe even though I was cast as a Brain??? What's up with that?? I'm just some hippie from the swamps of Tennessee who is decent at doing long division. So I guess I'll go through my tribe and talk about them individually: Autumn seems pretty cool, I know she is a gigantic social threat so she could maybe potentially be utilized as a shield but I like her! We've been talking a lot about food and the south but that is okay. Bodhi approached me Night One offering an alliance to which I was ecstatic to take him up on! Bodhi is a very very smart and cunning player, which makes me even happier to be working with him because I think as of right now he needs me to get off of this tribe. Duncan is a wildcard in my eyes. I haven't played with Duncan since Pacific Islands and we didn't get along if I recall correctly and I seem to be having trouble creating a dialogue with him? According to other sources that seems to be a consensus. Devon is really nice and I think that Scott thinks he's attractive but that's neither here nor there. I think this is the Devon who went by Slithers in Guyana and referred to Alyssa, Dani, and Jess as females at Final Tribal Council. He seems to be EXTREMELY straight (he said when he's not slinging 'rittos at Chipotle he's playing Call of Duty or watching sports) which is okay if straight people weren't my kiss of death in these games. Scott is a really fun one! He hosted me in Malaysia and always seemed to be a sweet guy and our talks together for the past few days have kinda proved that assumption? We've gotten to know each other pretty well and I think he's a cool dude. I really also didn't wanna be the one to tell him about Amanda Lynn but I was and he joined in on the jokes like a champion! I really think my relationship with Scott could be something that carries me at least to the first swap? Trace is an enigma to me. We have played Tumblr Survivor now 3 times together (he voted me out every time) and he hosted me in Manhattan Beach and I genuinely think in these first two days we have talked more than the rest of those combined? He is a masc for masc dreamboat though but he knows that. If I have to stroke his ego to get where I need to be I genuinely have no problem doing that. I have been trying my best to get in everyone's good graces and/or at least get a dialogue going with them and it seems to have been working? The suckiest part about this tribe at the moment is that there doesn't seem to be an obvious inactive or someone we can scapegoat but here's hoping we don't lose or we lose bad enough we can put it on someone who isn't me. 

i cant believe i learned a tik tok dance. i've never even downloaded tik tok before

this is a RANT confessional it's day 2 and im already so annoyed with this DUMB BITCH...and yes i am the dumb bitch in question WHAT ABOUT IT DAY 2 AND I GO TO THE TOMB AGAIN TRYING TO GET IN, AT THIS POINT IM POUNDING ON THOSE DOORS HARDER THAN ANY JEHOVAHS WITNESS YOUVE EVER SEEN LIKE LET ME IN PLEASE!!!!! and once again, i start off good on the questions, then BOOM i just flop out of no where. story of my life. like DAMN by the time i do get in there's going to be nothing left for me but a fucking stick. But its ok, last night you know what i got cocky and i honestly mightve blown it thinking i could find it myself, so i was forced to make a VERY risky move. im a FIRM believer in loose lips sink ships and thats always one of my biggest strategies when i play survivor is to use infomation and keep as much to myself as possible so i can play my game how EYE want and make MY moves as i see fit, however.....clearly that strategy has not WORKED for me seeing as ive lost twice, so im trying this new thing, its such a crazy concept it's called asking for fucking help ! this was really hard for me to do because of my whole tribe so far im gonna be honest i feel like i have a genuine bond building with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, but i dont want to go spilling the tea on the idol to everyone, the last thing i want is everyone else figuring out and trying to get it, granted, finding it probably wasnt that hard and im just a dumb bitch so someone else most likely ALREADY has it, however, if they dont.... i decided i wanted to make a move and tell AJ about it. Me and AJ have a past connection thats pretty good so basing it on that alone i decided to share my tea with him, and honestly i LOVE augusto and amir too, however.... these people are all silent killers, they wont be fooling me. even though i want to believe theyre on my side, im gonna need a vote before i start to put trust like that into them. So until them, im putting my eggs in AJ's basket and hoping he finds something and will trust me moving forward because of it, even if he already found it himself and didnt tell me, i at least made the effort to show him i want us to be in this together, so hopefully trusting and opening up a little bit more will finally improve my game but if not i am still hoping absolutely no one finds it so i can be greedy and try again, and probably flop again tomorrow. **BREAKING NEWS ALERT: aj has just informed me he DIDNT find it, which he could be lying but i dont think he is, but only another 24 hours will tell... 

I have not written a confessional in a day, why am I like this? Anyway, y’all are about to hear EVERYTHING! We all get onto the beach and the gag is that 3 winners join the game alongside us losers (;-;) but honestly, it isn’t too bad? Like genuinely, it’s cool that the winners get to return like yay for them! Not only that, but if people believe these winners to be a threat then that’s just a shield for me so I am not mad at that whatsoever! Looking at the cast this season… I see familiar faces and I’m not sure how to feel? I know Dan who is on the Brawn Tribe (Apis) and I adore Dan as a person. That being said, I had a lot to do with his boot in Seychelles and while we were working closely together, I had to get him out. My thing about games is that if it’s a new game, it’s a new slate. However, is he gonna feel the same way? Only time will tell. On the Brain Tribe (Thoth), I have played with Isaac, Trace, and Bodhi. My relationship with Isaac is inch resting because I think he’s amazing and he has actually hosted me before… but the only thing is that we voted for each other to go in Socotra so who knows how he feels about me in that way? Trace I know because of Socotra as well and we did click socially but we just never had much of a chance to play with one another so there isn’t much to say about that. Now Bodhi…. He is the person I am the closest to out of all these people and I do not know how that will affect this game? I was the only person to stick by his side during the first round of Socotra when he went home in a revote and in a way, this was good karma because I was the only Great Lakes representative still alive after Final 21. Now will he remember my loyalty and admiration for him if we are reunited in this game? Girl, I deadass have no idea and it could go anyway… which is scary like a yikes on bikes moment right there. The only person that I know on my tribe is Connor since we played in Socotra together. We weren’t TOO aligned but the round I left, him and I made an alliance with Samantha. However, this loyalty wasn’t tested much considering I got rocked out. However, a connection is a connection so pursuing that is something I am okay with. As far as my tribe goes, I really do like everyone! I am trying to be this super approachable person that people can laugh at and laugh with yknow? So I do hope it works in my favor in the long run because currently, everyone except AJ has expressed the fact that I am one of their favorite people to talk to on this tribe so yay for that!

Alright, so the first full day is over, we're nearing the end of the first challenge, and I think that I've positioned myself at least somewhat decently? I think I've learned from past seasons that the goal of this early stage is to make sure you're about right in the middle in terms of activity, socialness (which isn't a word, but everyone is going to know what I mean by it) and challenge performances. That way, nobody has reason to get rid of you before a tribe change(whether that's because people think you aren't going to be helpful in challenges moving forward or because you're too big of a threat and can't be allowed to make the next stage of the game) and will allow me to make some connections that will help me both now and later in the game. I think I'm implementing this well at the moment. I had a nice talk with both Dan and Jakey and I think both of them will look out for me early on, specifically for this first vote. Once that trust is established from voting, I think both of those will be very fruitful for me moving forward. Same with Ali and Liam L. Both of them have been talking to me a decent bit and I like the rapport that I'm creating with both of them, but these two are going to be HUGE threats this season, I can already tell. So I think it's best I get on their good sides and allow other people to catch on to the fact that these two are going to be people who need to go whenever you get the shot (specifically though when they stop benefiting me). This first challenge absolutely sucks! I always hate these stupid scavenger hunts and will be so glad when it's over. I think I've put in a decent amount of work that will show that I'm here and want to play, but we'll have to see after the challenge is revealed how my score is really going to stack up. I really don't want to go to tribal this first round, but I could see either Jordan or Liam M. being people who could be targeted for everyone else to not be the first boot if that's the case. I think Liam specifically hasn't spent as much time socializing and I think others hopefully know how large of a presence Jordan has (I've known him for two days and I figured this out). So like, it would make sense to take one of them out early, but I reiterate that I'm quite ok not going to tribal here and just being safe. Being back for my third time means that this truly needs to be the one where I can take home this win. I admittedly don't know if there will be a fourth shot for me. I think I'm nearing the end of my ORG playing as hard of a realization as that is for me, but I know that I'm not able to commit the same way I was when I was back in high school, so I need to make the most of this time out there. I made huge mistakes in my redemption season that still haunt me to this day, so hopefully I can fix those this time around, play a strong, strategically sound game, and maybe I can surprise myself this time around.

All right 500 word confessional coming up. Time to say my thoughts on this game so far and this is a good excuse to do it. Its been 65 seasons since i've done an all returnee season which is a crazy fact I won't shut up about even though drew hates it, and I’m feeling good so far on this brawn tribe. I already have an alliance with me Ali and Jakey, and strong bonds to Dan and Liam, that leaves Lovelis and TJ my new people I'm meeting and probably people i'd target if we lost just due to the fact I don’t really know them. Out of the two I’m probably having better early convos with TJ but I don’t think thats really indicative of anything as its just been 2 days and anything can still happen. Honestly this cast is kind of a mix and match of crazy throwbacks for me like y'all got me SCOTT, y'all got me KENDALL, like I am floored and I am so excited to play with some of these people. I think my strategy for the starting tribes is to try to chill a bit and not be the centre of attention if I can manage that. Ideally I just want some easy rounds where we mostly win immunity, but if I’m honest Im gonna want to go to at least one tribal before we swap, and i don’t want to go into a swap not knowing how people are actually planning on playing, I want a chance for everyones cards to be laid out early, and then I can better understand the playing field. Okay I'm running out of things to say and I still got like 200 words to go. Alright the tomb, FUCK THE TOMB, its crazy for me that theirs an idol system I just haven't auto figured out before anyone else, its very out of character. Especially that before this game started I found the legacy advantage and left the hosts shook, like they were actually speechless the game hadn't started yet and I already have a power that was a great moment. But the tomb has still alluded me. What I know is that their are numbers on the cast reveal posts and a weird in face in the picture but I cannot out two and two together to make this work. Im hoping everyone is struggling as much as I am because I don't want any powers on the table that I do not know about. I want ideally to know where everything is even if its not in my possesion. Knowledge is power and I want all the knowledge possible to give me the best upper hand. Im cautiously optimistic on this starting tribe that I don't think people will target me early, so I think all I got to do is just secure my relationships and make sure that when this game starts getting crazy, i got enough people feeding me info so I'm in control. WHEW 500 WORDS DONE!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CxQVVsZUxRnM6PtiAIKKX2ncbSa-2rOR/view?usp=sharing Look man I am exhausted if you want intensive strategy you have come to the wrong place

Truthfully, the biggest gag of this whole season is me being placed on the brain tribe. I obviously am brilliant, graduated from honors from a top university, etc. But like, my beauty is undeniable, no? God I hate that I wrote that but, I AM BACK! It feels good to be back on a season where like nobody seems that negative? Yet? It was really refreshing to see a couple of people that I already knew, but I honestly have a really good feeling about this brains tribe. I connected really well with everyone on the first day, and I feel like I already have a strong standing in the tribe just after a few hours. I also love that this tribe is only 7 people and not like 12 because I can actually connect with people on a closer level. That being said, another great thing about this cast is that I also have a good amount of friends on the other tribes. Connor is here. I love that for me, but I am going to have to be very strategic about how I use that friendship if our paths ever do cross because I am not going to let it get in the way of me being strategic and making moves that actually make sense for my game in the long run, not just to appease my friend. A similar thing could be said for Dan D, but he is also just like a scary good player and he’s engaged now too so I have to really work on that friendship. I am feeling somewhat good about this challenge. I have taken the time to really try and do as many of the things as I can, and all I can hope is that my tribemates do the same. I am a little nervous about some people’s scores… Autumn. We have less than 12 hours to go and she still hasn’t started. But I am hoping that some of the scores of the more active people will carry us to a win. It would be cute if I could avoid tribal for a bit, but I know I won’t be able to. Also, Isaac being here is funny. Immediately he came to me and was like, “god I hope you aren’t going to vote me out this time, AGAIN.” And I obviously would really love to work with the kid but clearly our history is a bit rocky. So my plan is just to be kind and kind of act like it didn’t happen in hopes that he too will do the same and we can actually work together as friends this time. In closing, I appreciate the opportunity to be brought back, and I really hope that I do not let any of my fans down! I am going to keep socializing, using my social skills to create lasting bonds that will hopefully save me for a couple of tribals. We will see what happens as the season progresses but for now, please wish me luck!

Okay! I am awake! I can make a functional confessional maybe! So first hour of the game I made an alliance with Austin because I have no impulse control and hey thought it would be swell. I then made an alliance 30 minutes later with Augusto and I probably would have made more alliances if Augusto didn't say "Kendall plz wait like a day," So I did wait a day... and then made 2 more alliances 24 hours later. In my defense it wasn't my turn with The Beauty Tribe's communal brain cell and it's been 7 decades since my last game. Anyway I think it worked out because now we have a power alliance and we are Bringing Sexy Back! ... Literally that is the name of our alliance. Bringing Sexy Back. I came up with it and it's like a double meaning because 1. We Sexy and 2. We back. We do not have backs though... there was a tragic accident. Anyway the Core 4 is Me, Augusto, Connor, and Amir. And we keep saying shit like final 4 final 4 but I have to determine the weakest link before it hits me in the face. I don't trust Connor which is why it's important we work together, because I have a feeling he's going to cause damage either way and it will be safer if he thinks I trust him. He has played with Augusto and has a high opinion of him, so that duo is something I am somewhat worried about. I don't know why I don't trust him, it's not a matter of dislike, if anything he's one of my favorite people to talk to on the tribe it's just there is something calculating about him. Like he's sizing us all up. Augusto and I get along pretty well. He keeps saying shit like "Queen" and "We are meant for each other" and other weird but nice things. We both live in Utah so that's pretty lit. I'd like to work with him but I'm also wary of flattery. He seems to be pretty social with the other two as well, like I mentioned before he and Connor were once on the same season together and Amir mentioned that he's the person he talks to the most. It makes me a bit suspicious as to where his loyalties lie which is sort of dumb because he's like legally allowed to talk to people but I don't want him to be their number ones. It would be inconvenient. Amir is... a mess. A likable mess but a mess. He literally told me he has been waiting for someone to ask for an alliance and that he talks the most to Augusto. He wears his thoughts on his sleeves. He seems a bit nervous to be back, like we'd perceive him as some sort of threat because he was an extra player so to speak.... I don't not yet anyway but it's probably for the best I don't say that out loud. We talked about having a spare fifth and I put Austin on the table because 1. it would be nice to have control of a spare. 2. To keep my promise to him to work together. Sadly I wasn't all that subtle about it so... probably sketched the others out even if it was only a little bit. There 400 words plus other more words. Suck it and See bitches! And by bitches I mean hosts and I guess who ever else reads this.

Ok so I have full confidence that I can reach 500 words because I talk too much as it is so here we go hahaha. My tribe is taking this challenge super seriously and while I obviously stan and enjoy having a very active and engaged tribe, I need them to have lower expectations cause your girl is on her period and she just wants to nap. This whole “everyone needs to get 100 points” energy is not a message I can actually endorse. I am content with a smooth 50 points so if I get more than that great but I don’t need the pressure. I respect everyone’s right to go hard but I would like to not do that. Like it’s a Monday my guy- if that’s how you want to spend it by all means but this is not the only org I’m in and it’s definitely not the only thing I have to do today. I desperately need to do laundry but like changing the sheets on my bed and going to two Zoom meetings has me BEAT. Like I’d call it a day to be honest IF it weren’t for my damn tribe and their push to 100 points per person. All I know if I reach that goal, y’all better not say a damn thing to me because I really tried. I not only look like garbage but I feel like garbage yet I’m out here taking videos and drawing on my face and looking up a damn TikTok dance even though the whole world knows it by now and I’m like why? Why am I doing all this? Is it really to keep white men happy? Does this arbitrary goal mean anything in the end? Do we really NEED 700 points and can we negotiate that number down a little bit? I’m just saying Like obviously I want us to win but no I don't want to spend all day doing this against my will. Y’all need to be happy with whatever I give you and VERY hot take: if I don’t get 100 points then what. What y’all gone do about it- fight me? I do not own Crocs, VHS tapes, anything Egyptian, anything Survivor related, anything rainbow, or a banana and I don’t feel bad about it. There, I said it. I own what I own and I ain’t breaking quarantine for anything so hear me when I say: y’all will get whatever I give you. I want to EAT today but no I gotta get to making all these random videos so I can rack up points, some of which would make for quality blackmail but we won’t get into that. I’m doing this honestly for all the iconic female players who aren’t playing. I can’t make them look bad by being first fucking boot in a season that only has two women playing out of 21 people so I will just suffer through the pain. It’s not like I don’t have the numbers to stay anyway so there’s that. This is all really a formality, if you will. I’m not going anywhere- low score, high score, it really doesn’t matter but that’s just between us girls.

Okay! I am awake! I can make a functional confessional maybe! So first hour of the game I made an alliance with Austin because I have no impulse control and hey thought it would be swell. I then made an alliance 30 minutes later with Augusto and I probably would have made more alliances if Augusto didn't say "Kendall plz wait like a day," So I did wait a day... and then made 2 more alliances 24 hours later. In my defense it wasn't my turn with The Beauty Tribe's communal brain cell and it's been 7 decades since my last game. Anyway I think it worked out because now we have a power alliance and we are Bringing Sexy Back! ... Literally that is the name of our alliance. Bringing Sexy Back. I came up with it and it's like a double meaning because 1. We Sexy and 2. We back. We do not have backs though... there was a tragic accident. Anyway the Core 4 is Me, Augusto, Connor, and Amir. And we keep saying shit like final 4 final 4 but I have to determine the weakest link before it hits me in the face. I don't trust Connor which is why it's important we work together, because I have a feeling he's going to cause damage either way and it will be safer if he thinks I trust him. He has played with Augusto and has a high opinion of him, so that duo is something I am somewhat worried about. I don't know why I don't trust him, it's not a matter of dislike, if anything he's one of my favorite people to talk to on the tribe it's just there is something calculating about him. Like he's sizing us all up. Augusto and I get along pretty well. He keeps saying shit like "Queen" and "We are meant for each other" and other weird but nice things. We both live in Utah so that's pretty lit. I'd like to work with him but I'm also wary of flattery. He seems to be pretty social with the other two as well, like I mentioned before he and Connor were once on the same season together and Amir mentioned that he's the person he talks to the most. It makes me a bit suspicious as to where his loyalties lie which is sort of dumb because he's like legally allowed to talk to people but I don't want him to be their number ones. It would be inconvenient. Amir is... a mess. A likable mess but a mess. He literally told me he has been waiting for someone to ask for an alliance and that he talks the most to Augusto. He wears his thoughts on his sleeves. He seems a bit nervous to be back, like we'd perceive him as some sort of threat because he was an extra player so to speak.... I don't not yet anyway but it's probably for the best I don't say that out loud. We talked about having a spare fifth and I put Austin on the table because 1. it would be nice to have control of a spare. 2. To keep my promise to him to work together. Sadly I wasn't all that subtle about it so... probably sketched the others out even if it was only a little bit. There 400 words plus other more words. Suck it and See bitches! And by bitches I mean hosts and I guess who ever else reads this.

wow, is it great to back! initially, i was pretty nervous entering this game because i honestly just didn't know what to expect. however, i feel as though i'm sort of picking up where i left off a few years ago in terms of adaptability. i was placed on the beauty tribe, and immediately there were a ton of familiar faces that i could connect with. those being adam, amir, and kendall. i would consider connor one too but we were never that acquainted when we played idlm together, i'm pretty sure i even voted him out. as with any game, it's all about breaking the ice in those starting days by striking up conversation with other people on your tribe and seeing what they're all about. with my aforementioned connections, i felt as though it was pretty easy slipping into conversation with them and just catching each other up on how life's been since we last met. with adam, that wasn't really the case since we still frequently see each other but nonetheless! augusto has left a HUGE impression on me in the best way possible. i adore literally every aspect of him and it feels like and i could be pretty good friends. austin is very sweet and we have similar interests, but i'd love to continue getting to know him to form a more solid relationship with him. overall, i feel as though the tribe dynamic works pretty well. everyone is likable and of course, while it's expected for the beauty tribe, it'll be tough in the event (knock on wood) we ever go to tribal! but i'm always geared up and ready to go girl so i guess i can take on anything. our first challenge is the scavenger hunt, and while i lowkey loathe it, this one was actually pretty fun! hopefully we win it because we seem to be pulling out all the stops for this. one of the tasks had required us ALL to be on call and honestly i feel as though that really brought us even more together as a tribe. it was an instant kii with everyone as we sat around sharing interesting experiences and memories. going into actual game discussion, adam is EAGER to play. like EAGER. he's so excited and his mind has been racing since i've touched base with him. as soon as we were introduced to the tomb, his cracked ass starting spiraling. he was NOT gonna stop until he figured out how to get into this tomb! initially, he thought the hieroglyphics on the logo were of importance but he then noticed that the tags on the cast reveal had interesting numbers that corresponding to our tribe name. we ultimately put these numbers into the blog and were let inside the tomb. HOWEVER, we have to fight to even see what's inside of it! we have to answer 10(?) questions i believe relative to egypt, and i got about 7 of them right and stumped on one, halting my progress until the 24 hours are up and i can go again. out of an act of selfishness, i do want this idol all for myself so hopefully adam doesn't get there before me, though i wouldn't mind it as right now i consider him my final two? but we have WAYS to go so who knows if that even holds up.

I guess i need to do one of these anyway!!! I wish i could do a video but i will suffer for the greater good as always!!! The cast this season is very interesting!!! I dont know a lot of people which is a plus but there’s a few haters in the game i hope aren’t coming after me as much as I’m coming after them LOL. Adam, Kendall, and Trace sorry boos your time is limited! I will never trust these players. On my tribe we have a masc straight energy with Liam, Lovelis, TJ, and Dan and some more feminine energy in myself, jordan, and ali. The fems have decided to join a group to stay together and hopefully we can get someone to vote with us if we have to go to tribal council. For right now I trust both of these players, but moreso Jordan. We’re not entirely sure if we can trust Ali. The temple stumped a lot of us and I haven’t heard much about anyone finding it. EXCEPT ME BITCH. I found that shit last night and I was so hype then jumped the gun on the third question and flopped. But I’m reallyyyyy hoping no one else has it, though I fully suspect someone else to have found it. I’m not going to tell a soul because I want it for myself and I’m worried word would get out that I found it and people would suspect I have an idol, even if I don’t. I don’t want to lose at allll. I’m putting my all into this challenge and praying we come out on top. If we get another clue, whatever, just don’t send me to the hell place. TJ is a cool dude and I enjoyed my conversation with him the first night. We vibe together even if he is a straight male and I am gay as a fedora. I like our pairing and I don’t find him to be a sneaky player so I’d love to develop our partnership further so we can be a powerful force in the game. I would feel good knowing I have someone outside my alliance watching my back as well. Right now, it’s hard to get a read of the tribe. Everyone’s kinda quiet, besides ali and jordan, and I don’t know if it’s because they’re already against me or just hard to warm up to. I guess time will tell but can that time be later? My plan right now is to just continue being myself because I think people like me on this tribe for the most part. I’m not going to over-socialize or play too hard cause the way this tribe is going, saying one wrong thing could make you stand out. I’m trying to hide in the shadows and play the cute role for as long as possible before I smile in their face and slit their throats :~) Also I may have planted some doubt into Jordan’s ear about Liam! Because Liam said to me he can’t do the tik tok dance bc of his foot disease that flares up sometimes. Note, this tik tok had no feet movement and could virtually be done in a chair. So I just let Jordan know what Liam told me and immediately Jordan was irritated. I didn’t intentionally mean to throw Liam under the bus, but the bus came quickly. 

So i meant it when i said that i truly like everyone in my tribe. I love the fact that trace is the first person I’ve ever played with that live(d) where i do. I’ve never met anyone from saint louis before and to be able to talk about the gay bars and the local colleges and areas is nice. I’ve seen his name way back when around the community. I think that it’s amazing, the casting this season so props to all you host. Bodhi is someone else who I’ve seen around plenty, but we’ve never had the pleasure to meet each other and he’s someone that I think is very intriguing. I know he’s a strong social player when it comes to brass tacks though so im a little nervous seeming him in the game. Isaac is someone who I’ve played with a handful times and it’s just weird? We have never targeted each other in the games we play but also have never actively worked together in a game. We usually just coexist and ended up on different sides because we had different friend circles in games past. Now if we go to tribal in this first round, then ideally one of those few people will go. Like I said I like everyone, but I need to make sure to play an active role this time, not so passive like last time. Autumn and I got an alliance together. Also, if I haven’t already praised the tumblr survivor gods that I get to play with m daughter, let me re-iterate that I am so ecstatic! Now I’m not going to put all my eggs in her basket, but I hope my connection with her can carry me through the first couple rounds of the game at least. We got an alliance together consisting of myself, herself, devon and scott. In my opinion, the key to a successful alliance is good communication and loyalty. I also want to work with people I have a genuine interest in. I think Scott is so adorable, and I can’t tell if it’s a façade or not but I’m getting along very well with him. Perhaps its just his strong social game kicking in. Regardless he’s someone that I like and is charismatic and optimistic, that’s the type of person I need on my side moving forward. He’ll be great for group morale and maybe he can snoop information out of others moving forward. As for Devon, he says he’s a very loyal player and he is from Guyana. I see him as someone that will hopefully be super loyal and perhaps even a bit naïve moving forward. I don’t know what I want my relationship with Autumn to be with like in this game. She could be my number one, but for anyone that knows us its possible we get targeted like natalie and Jeremy which I don’t want to happen. I really like our tribe and hope we can stay together as long as possible. What I want from this game is to play a strong game and still be liked by all my peers and of course try to win. My first time in the first quarter of seasons, I was brand new as fuck, fresh out the survivor pussy. I didn’t have any confidence or social skills and got booted first. My second season in the 2nd quarter, Lazio, was not a horrible game to play. The cast was trash though and not a well respected season. It was a weird twisted season, i didn’t like anybody on that season and went out in early jury, although I did make single digits. Last time I played was in the third quarter of ts seasons, playing in Bermuda. I played bc I wanted one last hurrah before taking a hiatus and I don’t mind playing in seasons hosted by Chris Stoner. It was revealed to be a 30 person and I wanted to quit after seeing that lol. I was a weak player on strong tribes during the first half of the game, and the few times I went to tribal I had enough relationships with people that I made it to the 15 person f*cking merge. Because I ghosted the first half of the game I wasn’t viewed as a threat but also wasn’t respected by players. I want to be respected for the game that I play this time whether it brings me to final tribal council or winds me up as the first boot. I came here to prove that I have the chops and can do it. I haven’t been voted out of a game in 2.5 years so if I do get eventually booted its going to sting hard lol. I hope to eventually see people like Dan and Ali get voted out before a swap hits but I bet ts gods will swap me onto a tribe with them both lol. Its just going to be awkward if I have to play with them. I’m willing to if I have to, but I def would prefer to just avoid the awkwardness if possible. In contrast I’m hoping people like Amir and Kendall perform well on their tribes because if possible, I already know I like them personally and would love to work with them later on in the game. I just thought about what I can rant on about for a 100 words. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS IDOL SEARCH!?!? IS IT LIKE ONLY OPEN FOR CERTAIN PARTS OF THE DAY? I LOOKED ALL AROUND THE BLOG AND CLICKING EVERY LINK I COULD FIND HOPING TO MAYBE RUN INTO THE IDOL HUNT. NO ONE HAS TOLD ME THE SECRET YET! IS IT ONLY OPEN ONCE A ROUND BETWEEN RESULTS AND TRIBAL? Oof I don’t want to lose. Losing to one tribe isn’t bad because its mutually exclusive, first and last. We don’t have to win 1st place, however we need to make sure we don’t come last. Getting first boot would suck eggs and I would end up getting a lower placement than my first time. Idk if anyone has gotten first boot twice, but I don’t want that distinction. 

okay so my tribe is picking it UP in the end of this challenge, my king jakey suddenly has a full sheet which we love to see. in other news... im not feeling TJ's energy, he is kinda fishing about Montenegro and referencing that I won in a kinda threatening way? and i think he thinks he is being super discrete?! but he... is not. its just making me uncomfortable, like i am already really insecure as a player about being a winner and being seen as one, and i dont like what he is doing. also wanna preface this with the fact that he asked about montenegro in a super complimentary way so this is 100% an overreaction JKASDF im not trying to hide that im a winner (im not trace trying to FBI redact the wiki) but i don't like it being brought up in that kinda threatening/fishing way. like when jake talked to me (even tho he was vague too) about me being a winner, he said he thinks me, Jordan and jakey are the high profile people on the tribe (even tho i think i only am because im a winner, im a one time player and not super connected), which at least grouped us together and was in a discussion about working with that? so yeah... i think at this point i wanna stick with Jake/Jordan first and foremost, then Lovelis, then Dan... then Liam M/TJ are bottom of the totem pole for me, but particularly TJ that man can go soon... (also this is really gonna be a mo situation where tj said literally one thing and i dont trust him KJLASDF)

Wooooo cast assessments except I never watch anyone's intro videos so it's more like a cast reaction lmao

https://youtu.be/K3rfK-Cf-GQ

everytime tj starts typing my heart rate elevates by about 600bpm. literally how can someone be so complimentary and yet so terrifying simultaneously i'm nauseous also just as a side note he is probably being super nice and im just being demonic but we will see kjasdfa

okay so if this doesn't demonstrate im insane, im not sure what will. i take it back about TJ, i think he is actually nice JLKSADFAD. i think his way of relating to me was talking about past games and honestly thats kinda sweet i think i just read into things too much. maybe i do like TJ and want him to stick around NNN. maybe she's born with it, maybe its genuine insanity. but yeah TJ if you are reading this sorry for being the rudest ever over a compliment nnnn

I’m so sad that we lost because I don’t want to see any of these people go home and I don’t want to be first boot! lol. I’m also pissed now because I spent so much time doing stuff for nothing >.> it’s the game though, so we’ll keep trudging along i suppose. I don’t want to go home so let’s see what happens