#imagine not posting anything for almost 4 years cause insecurity and when you finally do it BOOM this.

[didias-hp]

SOBSOB* AAD F&=*MK JA N "",**&÷

THANJYOU 🌹🌹🌹

[morifinwes]

Lauraa I finished all the fics, apart from decay (currently reading that now) and I love it sm! Especially the lip gloss one lmao the whole thing was so hilarious to me XD but also like the concept of lwj wearing lipgloss is >>> -yibobibo

@yibobibo then i'm going to rec you some more!! the lip gloss one was !!!!! ajsksks yes!! lwj wearing lipgloss is just so!! good!!

modern

this one is the painful one i talked about:

visitations by var_abelasan (12K, wip, divorced wangxian, post divorce, most of this is angst, uhm lowkey don't but also do want wangxian to end up together, it's messy, the jiangs & lans are shitty, wwx was in prison (brief mentions of that but it's kind of a major plot point), mxy & xy are the little brothers he never wanted but wwx picked them up anyways)

"Wei Ying-" Lan Zhan says, stutters, "I'm sorry." 

And now Wei Wuxian sees it, the red rimming Lan Zhan's eyes, the rumpled edges of his blazer. There is an old, familiar urge for him to reach over, to hold Lan Zhan's hand and smooth his hair, to tell him that everything will be fine. 

"We're all a bit sorry about this, I think," he says instead, and finds that he means it. For Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji and everyone else in that Guanyin temple, the pain must be unbearably fresh, like skin just flayed open. But Wei Wuxian's chest had been cracked open a long time ago, his wounds licked and cauterized and sewn shut over five long years - Ever hurting, but a dull, constant ache, "It's really alright, Lan Zhan."

 

Five years after being accused of corporate espionage and losing everything, the Guanyin Scandal breaks open and Wei Wuxian finds a familiar face at his door.

please don't let me be misunderstood by sysrae (3K, partly deaf!wwx, lwj notices, nobody else does though, idk wwx is like made out of fucking steel or some shit)

Lan Wangji has known Wei Ying for a fortnight, the first time he sees him get hit by a car.

light by redkosmos (10K, blind!lwj, which causes angst, but they manage it, best friends to lovers, fluff, lwj being insecure and feeling like a burden, college au kind of? but it doesn't matter too much)

The realization slowly dawns on him.

He can never again see the brightness of Wei Ying's eyes, the way they crescent when he smiles, never again see the rich black of his hair, the mess of it in the early mornings, never again see the beautiful tan of his skin, the beauty of the scars and marks adorned on it, how he wears his clothes, how it hugs his frame beautifully, how he looks like he's adorably swimming in cloth when he wears Lan Zhan's, and-

(Lan Zhan loses his vision in a car accident and learns to cope with it.)

don't leave me by trippinonskies (19K, brief very brief mention of lwj cheating, he doesn't but wwx is afraid lwj is cheating on him or just wants to break up with him, (he doesn't), marriage proposal, lwj acting distant = wwx's insecurities show up, fluff, angst and comfort)

Lan Zhan! Where are you lost today?” Wei Wuxian finally asks, at the end of his patience.

Lan Zhan looks a little guilty as he looks at Wei Wuxian, “Sorry, just a lot of work to deal with.”

Lie.

If there is one thing Lan Zhan can’t do, it’s lying. Especially to Wei Wuxian. But he doesn’t question Lan Zhan. He just accepts the reply, too scared to know that he is right. Too scared to know the truth.

// or where Lan Zhan is too hung up in planning the perfect proposal and ends up accidently ignoring Wei Wuxian making the other think that he wants to break up //

want you closer by xiaobucephalus ((3K, HORSES, only in the background tho, but wwx is an equestrian vet, which is so fucking valid bro, the lans own horses, a sick bunny, lwj the bunny parent!, super cute, dark bay throughoutbred chenqing is honestly so valid)

“Thank you,” Lan Zhan said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Don’t thank me, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying laughed again, his voice warming the chill of fear that had settled in his chest. “I’ve been looking for an excuse to get into your hutch for a while anyway.”

safe in your thoughts by anonymous (20K, it's a cherry magic au???? (i haven't watched it, but you have i think?), horny lwj but only for wwx (always for wwx))

Wei Wuxian learns three very important things on the night of his twenty-seventh birthday.

One, that Lan Wangji is ridiculously funny, which Wei Wuxian had known before but what Wei Wuxain hadn’t expected was Lan Wangji to be funny at his brother’s expense.

Two, that Wei Wuxian had finally gone mad, absolutely mental at the ripe age of twenty seven because nothing else would explain the third thing he had learnt.

Third, and the most unbelievable of the lot, that Lan Wangji wants to fuck him.

iura by yoo_im_finally_writing (1K, only added bcs op is right and wwx would've the cutest german accent, it's more fun if you understand german so hit me up if you want translations for the german sentences)

Wei Ying calls in the middle of the night to talk about German law, and Lan Zhan tries very hard not to fall asleep. Or at least, not to let Wei Ying notice he's falling asleep. (As best friends do.)

breathe in the air, the last of its kind by wereworm / @neverdoingmuch (27K, getting together, jealous!lwj, but also kind of supportive, brief mention of cheating bcs of miscommunication, no actual cheating tho, college au, lwj pov)

Following Wei Ying’s line of sight, Lan Wangji can barely prevent a smile from crossing his lips when he sees the short row of rabbit statuettes placed at the front of the display. Silver, with bright gems for eyes, they look elegant yet lively and animated.

“A-Yuan would love one of those,” Wei Ying murmurs, almost as if to himself.

Lan Wangji frowns; the rabbits, while cute, don’t seem like a suitable gift for Wei Ying’s A-Yuan.

...

It’s only when he glances back at the rabbits and notices what has been placed on display behind them, that the pieces fall into place. They’re engagement rings, there’s no doubt about it. Lan Wangji feels his heart sink – Wei Ying isn’t just dating A-Yuan, he wants to propose to him.

Or: the five times Lan Wangji thinks that A-Yuan is Wei Ying’s boyfriend and the one time he learns the truth.

paint smears on sunny days by snowshadowao3 / @angstsexual (53K, getting together, art teacher!wwx, single parent!lwj, they're rich if i remember right, wwx & lwj are both good with kids!!!, this is so good actually, fluff)

To say that he runs to his car would be incorrect, as he is a Lan, and running is both undignified and unnecessary unless in immediate danger. Nor does he slam his key into the ignition, or aggressively swerve around the cars on the freeway, or have a mild panic attack at the fact he is picking A-Yuan up late from school for the first time ever.

He comes close, though.

By the time he arrives, it’s 4:35PM, and he has imagined about fifty different worse-case scenarios. The door is partly open when he gets to it, a messy label of 104B—Art Room scrawled with chalk on a placard next to the faded wood. As he opens it fully, he expects to see a wailing, terrified child, or perhaps a scene of utter misery and betrayal.

What he finds is his son, hands covered in paint, being sung to by a beautiful, dark-haired stranger.

“Ducks live in the pond, yellow ducks, happy ducks!”

Lan Wangji stops in his tracks.

(Or: Falling in love with your son’s art teacher, in five parts)

no bunny compares by gusucloudbunny (4K, god this is cute, fluff)

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian cornered his friend one week before his birthday. “If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?”

Lan Wangji furrowed his brow at Wei Wuxian, not exactly sure how to answer that question in a truthful manner that didn’t involve confessing his undying love for his best friend.

Wei Wuxian is on a mission to get Lan Wangji the perfect gift for his birthday. What Wei Wuxian doesn't know is that the only thing Lan Wangji truly wants is him.

wei wuxian's week of realizing things by photojenny (12K, i have read this multiple times, i always forget what happens, idk why but my notes say it's good, the tags say drunkji makes an appearance and i'm always up for that)

"Lan Zhan, do you like Mianmian?" asked Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji blinked, and stared. It was not the first time Lan Wangji had questioned the perceptiveness of the boy he had a crush on. Wei Wuxian had been smart in the class they had taken together. Yet time and time again, Wei Wuxian had tested the old wisdom that there are no stupid questions.

---

Lan Wangji must figure out how to confess when Wei Wuxian is the most oblivious person he's ever met.

are you my wisdom tooth? because i'd like to take you out by yellowcarnations (1K, crack, fluff, lwj stop flirting with a stranger, even if he is your husband, drunkji but make it to max level)

Lan Zhan wakes up and he has no idea where he is.

There are bright lights and his jaw hurts, he doesn't who this man next to his bed is but oh he might be in love, maybe, probably, definitely.

–

based off that guy-forgets-who-his-wife-is-and-hits-on-her vid but its wangxian.

beep! goes his heart by wearing_tearing (3K, fluff, lwj is like "he, he likes me right? he likes me" and everyone is like "yes, yes he does")

“Wei Ying’s heart monitor,” Lan Wangji starts.

Wen Qing blinks at him. “Yes?”

“It beeps.”

“That’s… what they generally do, yes.”

“The beeps change,” Lan Wangji continues, “when others are around.”

*

Wei Ying’s heart only sings for Lan Wangji.

canon

obedient and bellicose by thunderwear (19K, lwj is cursed by the lan elders, they notice too late, fix-it fic kind of?, lqr being a good uncle and lxc is a good brother, wwx accidentally uses the curse but he doesn't know about it)

It took Lan Wangji a long time to realize he was cursed. Too long really, anyone else would have noticed so much sooner. The problem was, he liked following the rules.

Ella Enchanted AU that no one needed but I wanted.

hello my old heart, how have you been? by ravenditefairylights (10K, amnesia, fluff, wwx taking care of lwj, so much fluff and softness, angst too but not that much)

The issue is, Lan Wangji brings his thoughts back before they stray too far, that it is impossible for someone to be in his bed, unless Lan Wangji himself invited them. He has not. He would remember doing so, and besides, all his night clothes are still on and there is no headache to imply that he was inebriated last night. No, the situation is simple.

There is someone in Lan Wangji’s bed. It is impossible for anyone to be in Lan Wangji’s bed, and yet that doesn’t seem to have stopped the stranger.

or lan wangji wakes up, and wei ying is there. he doesn't understand how or why, and he can understand even less why his hallucination of wei ying is so insistent on bathing him, and braiding his hair, on holding him and fixing his clothes. why the hallucination of wei ying seems so happy to see him.

teach me the way by likeafox (58K, rogue cultivator!wwx, horny wangxian, lwj wants wwx to teach him how to be a good lover, ....wwx is a virgin, the porn is the plot, but there's less of it than i thought)

"I do not wish to leave my future spouse… dissatisfied with my intimate knowledge,” Lan Zhan says, very seriously. “I am hoping to find an instructor, to better prepare myself for such matters."

Wei Ying feels his mouth drop open. He's pretty sure the Second Jade of Lan just told him he's a virgin who wants to learn how to do sex good.

Rogue Cultivator Wei Wuxian is the stuff of local legends. Some of those legends are even true! The ones about his tremendous experience in bed, on the other hand, are not so true. Which becomes a problem when Lan Wangji, on the verge of an arranged marriage and worried he won’t know how to please his future spouse, enlists Wei Ying's help to teach him the art of love-making. Wei Ying's great at improvisation, though, and is pretty sure he's got this sex mentor thing under control. What could possibly go wrong

other aus

of god: my love unholy by tunnelodfawn (3K, tw blood / war, dark!lwj, god!wwx, kind of poetry)

Lan Zhan takes everything as a sign from his god. The blood staining his fingertips—a holy anointment. He sanctifies himself through blood. The strings of his guqin gleam red in the sun—a divine blessing. This is an instrument of destruction. A single note—a cry of power—and in this note the voice of his god unravels the earthly threads tethering man to earth.

The Yiling Patriarch blesses Lan Zhan with war. Wei Wuxian blesses Lan Zhan with agility. Wei Ying blesses Lan Zhan with love.

The base of the Yiling Patriarch’s shrine is the home of Lan Zhan’s knees. He worships. There is something of the blasphemous and the unholy in his prayers. He prays not for victory but for the sight of Wei Ying. Bless me with your presence, he begs.

Or, wherein, Lan Zhan bridges the gap between the mortal and the divine—the worshipper and the god—with blood.

the river and the sea by sasamelons / @sasamelons (7K, soulmate au, arranged marriage (wangxian with each other), they're both kind of dumb but i love it)

Lan Wangji gritted his teeth, wishing to just be left alone. "I am looking for my soulmate," he ground out.

"Oh."

It took Lan Wangji a few moments to realize that Wei Wuxian had stopped following him. When he looked back, the other boy seemed to be frozen to the spot, eyes wide and lips still parted. He quickly looked away when he saw Lan Wangji looking back. "I see. Well, have a good trip!"

--

At six years old, Lan Zhan met his soulmate on the streets of Yiling and promptly lost him again.

At sixteen years old, Lan Wangji met his betrothed and was determined not to like him.

[yandere2me2]

Hi there! First, I just wanted you to know that I really enjoy your writing. I don’t know most of the characters you write for, but I still am able to understand who they are as people from your works which is really cool!! Secondly, I was hoping I could hear your thoughts on the Obey Me characters? You can do as little or as many as you want, whatever you’re comfortable with. And finally, I just wanted to say I hope you have a good day!

Thanks anon! So far I’ve only written a few things, but if you wanna check out what characters I’ll write for, check out my newly posted rules post - for any fandom listed, I’m good writing any character so long as the other rules are followed (ex: any Obey Me character but Luke since he looks and acts like a child).

Since no limit was placed, I’ll just do some general headcanons for the first 4 brothers for now. Know that I’m willing to write about any other characters in Obey Me aside from Luke for future requests :)

So without further ado, some yandere Obey Me bros (under the cut because this got LONG)!

TW: implied/mentioned forced captivity, manipulation, unhealthy relationship standards, non-con/dub-con, degradation, voyeurism  

Lucifer

Sadistic - but that’s a given with the game information. To be more specific, he sets strict rules for his darling and is very much a control freak; he has so many things going on in his life that he has to manage out of necessity, but his darling is a special case he’ll gladly take on 

If his darling breaks a rule, he enjoys doling out punishments. What type of punishment depends on his mood, the type of incident his darling caused, and if their actions affected Diavolo. God help them if if they insult Diavolo

Possessive with a capital P. His darling is his. No one gets to see them fall to pieces under his hands but him. No one gets to bring them to the peak of pleasure but him. They will fear him the most above all others if that’s the way his darling must cope with his methods. Lucifer would prefer an amicable relationship, but he understands he’ll be met with resistance with the standards he has

Praise will come rarely, so any darling that craves it will have to earn it by being on their best behavior. If his darling does manage to get him to praise them, he’s in a very good mood and will be more open to requests (he won’t let them go, but some new books, hobby materials, or food options are fair game)

He’s a yandere that will lock his darling away for their safety as well as his own comfort and ease. Dangers are everywhere in Devildom, and he knows his darling will manage to find trouble if left to their own devices or with his brothers. He’s not going to risk it. Besides, he’ll have a better hold on his darling if he’s the only one they interact with daily

Going off the last point, Lucifer would also hide his darling away to avoid Diavolo’s attention. By my read on their relationship, Lucifer holds little power to oppose Diavolo thanks to their pact, and Diavolo wanting in on Lucy’s darling would frustrate him beyond words - can’t he have just one thing for himself? I’ll be writing more on a Diavolo/Lucifer/Darling situation after requests are filled, but BOY do I wanna write about this now

Mammon

He’s needy. Mammon craves affection from his darling in any amount they’re willing to give. He’ll be the first to deny it if his darling or someone else points it out, but everyone knows

He Does Not Like To Share His Darling! At all!!! He will pout and whine and get even more clingy if he thinks his darling so much as looks at someone else with interest (imagined or not) - especially his brothers

His punishments are usually to reassure himself that he’s in charge, that his darling did him wrong and they should be grateful he’s their protector, that he even bothered to notice them in the first place. Any other demon would have left them to fend for themselves; he is the best demon a puny human like his darling could ask for

That said, when he isn’t worked up he’s very much a sub in his relationship with his darling and aims to please them. Praise doesn’t come too often for him, and he loves when he can get any positive affirmation. He’ll get testy if his darling outright insults him

He wouldn’t think about locking his darling away until much later. After his darling grows accustomed to living in Devildom, after Mammon starts realizing and (unwillingly) accepting his feelings, he notices how close his darling is with his brothers and the others, how easily they could be stolen away from him… he doesn’t like it one bit

Mammon wouldn’t think much about his plan before he sets things in motion by making a deal with some witches to set up a private space for him and his darling that no one can reach without his say-so. This of course incurs a ton of debt that he’s confident he’ll pay off in a jiffy (he won’t) and he only leaves when he needs to handle paying off his debts or deal with some Devildom official business - he’s the second most powerful demon brother under Lucifer, so as obnoxious as Mammon could be about how “important” he is, he’s not entirely wrong

If he’s in a good mood, he’ll spoil his darling as best he can with any material good he can think they’ll like. Just name it and it’s theirs. Unless of course they upset him, then he’s just as quick to take any privileges he gives away and remind them who’s in charge. It makes him hurt to have to punish his darling, so he tries to avoid it unless he thinks they need a reminder of who has to make the rules around here

Leviathan

Levi doesn’t have much experience with darlings compared to his brothers - throughout the thousands of years he’s lived alongside his brothers, he prefers to shut himself away most of the time. He’s had the least amount of darlings in his lifetime, and when they pass on he secludes himself to fantasize about his perfect darling (who’s usually based on a combination of anime characters and past darlings he’s had)

He’s so insecure, constantly worrying how he isn’t good enough that he bullies his darling into having them convince him that he’s who they want. His darling better be convincing though; if he senses pity or fear or anything else that takes away from their sincerity, he won’t be kind when he’s punishing them

He’s almost as overbearing as Mammon - that’s a feat in itself. Levi won’t isolate his darling though; he’ll manipulate and guilt his darling into wanting to stay with him to avoid his ire. They’ll manage to step on his toes in one way or another, finding some unspoken overstep as an excuse to point out their flaws

Honestly the “transport yourself into a video game” trope opens up so many fun options for Levi to play with his darling. He has games (similar to the one we witness in canon) where he and his darling can spend virtual weeks together without anyone to disturb them. He has games he knows his darling hates - horror games that are gruesome for demons, let alone a human, where his darling can’t escape and can die as many times as it takes for Levi to be pleased before he transports them back out. He has naughty games for when he wants to import his darling to watch them endure whatever scenarios fit his fancy - anything from tentacle porn to gangbangs. By the end of it, his darling will be so grateful to be back in the real world they’ll be begging to stay with him, just as long as they don’t have to go back in a game. Levi uses the affection to his advantage

He forces role play on his darling - Levi as the Lord of Shadows and his darling as his precious Henry. His darling better learn their lines and how Levi likes them to respond if they want to stay on Levi’s good side

His darling’s wardrobe consists of mostly Ruri-chan and Henry cosplay Levi purchases for them. No you can’t change my mind

Of course, if his darling isn’t in a game or reading some top manga series, Levi’s talking about it to them or having them watch/read along with him. He just wants to share what he enjoys with the person he treasures, even if they’re just a simple normie human

Satan

Earlyon, his darling is warned by the other brothers that his smile is fake, that he’scynical and shouldn’t be trusted. But out of all the brothers, he comes acrossas one of the least intimidating, so it’s easy to gravitate towards him

Tbhhe’s likely not interested in his darling at first – humans are lessercreatures to demons, food for most and potentially nuisances when one makes apact with a powerful demon. Until he finds something noteworthy, like how quicklyMammon forms a pact with this human, he doesn’t see much potential

He’s pretty reasonable up until he’s angry; for a darling surrounded by dangers and demons,he appears to be the least likely to harm them, and they accidentally push one of hisbuttons at some point. Once his limit is reached, he is terrifying – wrath isin his name and he lets his darling know when he’s displeased

After the first time he loses his temper, he’ll givehis darling clear warnings before he punishes them. He uses his darling’s fearof his punishments to his advantage, encouraging “good” behavior with thethreat of “or else” in the background

He has some notable similarities with the eldest brother: a sadistic streak a mile long and a preference to dominate/need for control to ensure his darling is undoubtedly his. How Satan shows these traits is different in key ways, however

Satan is sadistic more often when he’s feeling neglected, miffed, or bored with his darling. He’s not as strict as Lucifer, actually allowing his darling the freedom to act on their own accord in most cases. It gives his darling the chance to show him how much devotion they are willing to give him without him commanding it. If he gives an order, however, he expects his darling to obey

Unlike Lucifer, Satan doesn’t have the risk of things going Bad if something doesn’t go his way; Lucifer needs to please Diavolo or risk failing on his end of the pact, and so control is key for him. Satan likes control, but to the extent of knowing he has the final say. Satan doesn’t want to control every aspect of his darling - at the end of the day he wants his darling to voluntarily choose him, even if only out of fear of his displeasure - but he will have them

Satan has his own possessive habits - he needs affirmations that his darling is his. Either he’s marking them in some primal way or he has his darling reassure him through their actions

He stalks his darling. Have you seen how aware he is of his brothers’ activities in-game? It’s almost unnerving in some situations - and that’s just canon material. Satan watches his darling out of curiosity at first before it grows into an obsession for him. After a while he knows every little detail, every mannerism, every preference. All those outings he asked his darling to join him on before he actually clarifies he wants to date them? They’re all used as opportunities for Satan to review later

Advice to any darling of his: Do NOT compare him to Lucifer if you know what’s good for you. Just. Don’t. He won’t kill you, but you will wish he did by the time he’s through with you

I say this as several of my points are comparing his similarities/differences with Lucifer hahaaaaaaaa sorry Satan

[xcertaindarkthingsx]

chapter 1 - reunion

a/n: hi everyone :) this is my first time posting my writing on here and writing for star wars in general, i hope you like it!  it’s going to be a series.  feel free to leave any comments or constructive criticism, it’s greatly appreciated.  if you’d prefer to read on ao3 you can do so here

pairing: obi-wan kenobi x oc (you can learn more about her here)

warnings: none for this chapter, i think.  just some fluff and two people checking each other out haha

word count: 4.162k

tag list: @a-dorin if you’d like to be tagged, feel free to message me :)

Fingers fidgeted, twisting a lock of hair over and over again.  Nerves began to creep up on the Jedi, but the steady rumble and thrum of the Republic cruiser helped keep them at bay.  

“You’re nervous,” her companion, Cordé, stated. Seraphine turned to face her; their faces bathed in the soft, blue light of hyperspace.  She was right of course, but there was no way in hell Seraphine was going to admit it.  

“Am I?” she tried to play cheeky but the waver in her voice betrayed her.  Kriff, she thought.  

“I can’t imagine why; you haven’t any bad blood with anyone there.  Unless,” Cordé paused, “this has something to do with a certain Jedi Master you left behind,” adding an arched brow and a smirk.  Seraphine shot her best murderous glare towards her friend before wrapping herself tighter in her robes.  An old habit from when she was a youngling.

“Oh, please,” she enunciated with an eyeroll. “It’s not that it’s just… I wonder how different ‘home’ will be now.”  Home being the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, where she grew up.  

For the past 4, almost 5 years, Seraphine had been on a long-term undercover mission on Kessel, a lawless planet in the outer rim territories.  There, she met Cordé, and together they worked with locals and other Jedi stationed in nearby outposts to uncover and destroy an extensive trafficking ring. It was difficult, and they suffered great losses, but within 2 and a half years their mission was a success. Seraphine longed to return home, but instead decided to stay and deal with the fallout of their mission and further assist the victims.  

That quickly came to an end after the events on Geonosis.  When word broke out of the battle and upcoming war, a distress call was sent out to the far reaches of every system, warning every Jedi Temple of what was to come. Those who were able, or those originally from Coruscant, were to come as soon as possible to aid in the war effort.

Just a few days ago, Seraphine received her own transmission from Master Yoda and her old Master, Plo Koon.  They urged her to come back home and bring any extra hands if possible.  So, there they were, aboard a cruiser en route to Coruscant.  

Seraphine’s mind wandered to what she had left behind all those years ago.  Her friends— Aayla, Quinlan, Kit, Nejaa, Bant; her master and mentors.  Not to mention little Anakin training as a Padawan, and his master— Obi-Wan Kenobi.  Her closest friend, her partner in crime, and the most honorable man she knew.  His old master, Qui-Gon, had been partially responsible for bringing her to the Temple as a child.  They had grown up together on Coruscant; trained as Padawans, became Knighted within a few years of each other, and carried out plenty of adventurous missions before she left.  

Her heart skipped at the thought of him.   They had grown so close over time, and she realized too late that her feelings for him had turned into something forbidden, something they were sworn to deny.  

It was no secret to Obi-Wan that Seraphine didn’t fully agree with the way the Jedi Code was conducted, especially when it came to casting aside emotions and preventing attachments.  Her abilities within the Force made doing so very difficult. They had many spirited discussions with each other and their masters when they were younger.  Obi-Wan did not find it amusing how much Qui-Gon and her agreed on such sentiments at the time.  

Nevertheless, Seraphine never revealed how she felt about him.  How could she?  There was that whole situation with Satine, and more importantly— she knew what kind of man he was.  While he had his disagreements with the Council at times, he was fiercely loyal to the Order.  The probability of him reciprocating such intimate feelings for her just seemed impossible.

However, she knew how much he cared.  Obi-Wan had always done well in preventing emotions from clouding his actions in important situations, but that didn’t mean he was callous.    He was compassionate and cared deeply, and always made sure, in his own little way, to show it.  They entrusted each other with their lives.  

But Seraphine had grown weak and tired of burying herself away, so she did what she thought best: she ran away.  

Confessing that she was leaving was difficult.  While he tried to mask it, there was no denying the wave of hurt and disappointment that radiated from Obi-Wan.  There was no doubt that if he knew how big a part he really played in her departure that it would hurt him even more.  So when asked why, Seraphine held back, and he could tell.  Her failure to tell the whole truth had left a bit of a ridge in their relationship.  

They tried to keep in touch, but it became difficult when she went deep undercover, so their communications died out. Something sat heavy in Seraphine’s gut and chest, like a boulder, whenever she thought of him for too long. Guilt, her mind told her.  What you’re feeling is guilt.  It felt like she was losing a part of herself.  

Being so far away, she worried constantly for his wellbeing.  Regardless of how capable she knew he was.  But something ensured that if anything were to happen, she would feel it.

By some twisted form of fate, a Force Bond had developed between them during a mission they had carried out just before she was Knighted.  If one of them was in trouble, the other would know.  Seraphine wouldn’t trade it for the world, but it wasn’t the most convenient thing to possess when trying to hide her true feelings.  However, Master Plo’s teachings and training made reigning in her emotions doable.  To her, the pros outweighed the cons.  It was nice being able to reach out and feel Obi-Wan’s presence in the Force when she was missing him.  

She always wondered if he did the same.

Foolishly, she thought time would subdue her feelings. She was wrong.  All the kriffing training in the world couldn’t prepare her for being forced to face the very thing she’d been avoiding for years.              

It’s not that Seraphine didn’t want to see him, but she didn’t know if she could handle his reaction to her return. Resentment?  Would he even be on the platform when they landed? Insecurity seeded itself back into her mind, making her feel like the ugly duckling she always saw herself as when they were Padawans.  Seraphine buried her body deeper into her robes, painfully conscious of herself. Doubts continued in her mind in a torturous cycle until Cordé interrupted.

“We’re about to make the drop out of hyperspace. We’re here, Seraphine.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Obi-Wan’s hands fidgeted with his forearm armor while he stood, waiting in the landing bay of the Jedi Temple.  His heartbeat thrummed in his ears as he began to pace, one hand absentmindedly stroking his beard.  

“You’re nervous,” Anakin pointed out to his former Master, amused.  He’d never seen him act like this.  

“I most certainly am not,” Obi-Wan insisted. He most certainly was, but there was no way in hell he was going to admit that to Anakin.

“Really, Master?  Cause’ I haven’t felt you this tense since—”

“Oh, don’t start.”

Obi-Wan believed he had every right to be nervous. In a few moments he’d be seeing his oldest friend, his closest friend— Seraphine.  They had grown up together, here at the Temple.  And while she was 6 years his junior, they had trained closely as Initiates and Padawans together, and she became Knighted just a few years after him.  She had been there for him during one of the most difficult times of their lives, when Qui-Gon had died.

They had been inseparable since they were younglings, so when she decided all those years ago to leave so abruptly, he couldn’t help but feel like he was losing a part of himself.  But he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, let it show.  He was aware there was more to why she left— their Force Bond had told him that much— but when he pressed her, she refused to disclose.  

She had been his rock in taking care of Anakin, and he’d been fearful of what would happen when she left.  It was difficult the first few months, and it didn’t help that his heart had suffered a blow as well.  Obi-Wan recognized his hurt reaction as indication of feelings he was not supposed to have, so he told himself it was truly for the best. Though, it was hard to get his heart on board with his head.  

They had tried to stay in touch when she had first left, but it quickly became difficult with their differing schedules, and almost impossible when she went deep undercover.  He worried for her but knew that if something bad happened he would feel it.  Once in a while, he would reach out in the Force just to feel a touch of her presence and make sure she was still there.  

He wondered if she ever did the same.  

News came around the Temple of her successful mission a few years later, and he remembered being incredibly proud.  As quiet as she was, Seraphine was also the fiercest person he knew, and it showed in all her actions.  Not only was he proud, he was excited.  A successful mission meant she’d be coming home soon.  

However, he was disappointed to find out she’d be staying out there for who knows how long, to clean up the fallout of the mission. Somehow that news hurt more than watching her leave, but he couldn’t be angry with her.  Most people go in, get the job done, and leave without any regard for the long-term consequences of their actions.  But Seraphine always took responsibility for her actions, good or bad. It was just the kind of person she was, and one of the many qualities he admired in her.

And now, he was finally getting what he’d been looking forward to all these years.  With the war looming over them, they were in dire need of assistance from any Jedi they could spare.  Not only that, he knew that her incredible skills would transfer over well to becoming a General for the Republic, and the Council knew it too.  Just a few days ago, Master Yoda and Plo Koon had reached out to her directly to come home.  He couldn’t bring himself to be in the briefing room when they called.  

“Why is he nervous?” Ahsoka whispered loudly to Anakin, interrupting Obi-Wan’s reminiscing.

“Oh, for the last time, I’m not nervous,” Obi-Wan insisted.  “It’s simply been a long time since I’ve seen her, she’s a dear friend.”  He reminded himself to keep a reign on his emotions.

“I have some memories of her, but they’re a bit fuzzy.  In bits and pieces,” Anakin murmured.  

“You knew her too?” Ahsoka questioned, trying to get as much information about this mystery woman that seemed to have Obi-Wan on edge.  Anakin nodded.

“She helped Obi-Wan take care of me when I first came to the Temple.  We’d always train out in the back courtyards, under that big blossom tree,” Anakin paused and chuckled.  “I’d sit and watch her sketch in her notebook, or she’d tell me all these crazy stories.”

The memory caused a burst of warmth in Obi-Wan’s chest; those days seemed so far away now.  He’d already heard all her crazy myths, legends she had buried her nose in or remembered from her homeworld and recited as a child, but he loved to listen to her retell them to his young Padawan.  His thoughts went to those very sketchbooks Anakin had mentioned, which were hidden away under his mattress, along with a small box of her belongings. She had given them to him as a sort of parting gift.  A promise; something for him to hold onto until she came back.

“So, why did she leave?” Ahsoka probed further.

“She left for that Kessel trafficking mission a few years ago,” the older Jedi responded.  The younger furrowed her brows, realizing it was something she’d learned in her classes.

“That was her?” Ahsoka was stunned.  “We’ve talked about her in our studies, she’s amazing.”

Obi-Wan smiled to himself.  “Yes, she is.”

Something about that mission sparked a faint memory in Ahsoka, something she’d read in an Archive file.  “Wait, didn’t the same girl destroy that sect of Black Knights that emerged a long time ago?”

The memory of that mission left a sour taste in Obi-Wan’s mouth.  He’d almost lost her that day.  He opened his mouth to respond but was quickly interrupted by Commander Cody’s voice crackling on his commlink.  

“General Kenobi, we’ve got an incoming ship from the east.  Looks like they’re here.”  Obi-Wan nodded at his Commander from across the platform, steeling his nerves as he watched the ship land.  

He held his breath as the hatch opened, watching two figures emerge.  Seraphine. He picked her out immediately as the one in front, knapsack hanging off her slight figure.  The one trailing behind must have been her friend that Master Yoda mentioned.  Obi-Wan urged himself to calm his emotions; stay cool and collected.  

That silly notion completely disappeared upon seeing her walk down the platform.

Oh, Maker, she was beautiful, he thought. Just like she had been the day she left, but things were a bit different now.  Her face had matured and while she always had a hardened demeanor, there was something else she wore on her face now.  A sort of defiance in her brow that wasn’t there before.  

Back then, Seraphine had buried herself in her Jedi robes like a security blanket.  Always trying to make herself smaller, quieter.  But now?  Obi-Wan was in awe at how much taller she stood on that platform.  Without even thinking, his eyes roved up and down her body. Her robes kept her somewhat obscured, but he could make out the new fabric underneath.  It was still modest, but he never remembered seeing so much of her skin before, especially her legs.  The thought made his face blaze and he quickly tried to think about anything else.  She mirrored Anakin in her dark colored wardrobe— not a traditional Jedi look but then again, she was not a traditional Jedi.  

He willed his eyes to shift their focus back to her face, noting how long her hair had grown.  When she had left, it was still short and choppy from her Knighting, when she had impulsively cut it along with her Padawan braid.  Now, it was long and flowing, like when they were younglings.  A silver circlet sat at the top of her head, attached to a chain that weaved into her violet locks and made her look like an angel, her namesake.  

Obi-Wan’s chest tightened as they got closer, and realized it was because he hadn’t taken a single breath since she stepped off the ship. Reminding himself to breathe, his eyes fell on the familiar swirl of tattoos on the edges of her face and down her neck.  Others often found her markings too striking, too stark of a contrast on her skin and features, but Obi-Wan always thought it suited her perfectly.  

He desperately tried to make out her expression, but her head was tilted towards Cody as she walked and talked.  Her presence was immediately soothing to him, a pulse of comfort in the Force, but there was a cloud of uncertainty that hung in the air.  Whether it was hers, or his own, he couldn’t tell.  Would she even be happy to see him?

Those thoughts dissipated when Seraphine finally looked away from Cody.  Obi-Wan watched as those golden brown eyes lit up and she broke into that wide, toothy smile of hers that always made him melt.  It was a smile that rivaled even Master Fisto’s trademark grin.  

His heart was in his throat, but he managed to smile back.  In the blink of an eye, the space between them was erased and her arms had enveloped him in a hug that was too big for someone of her size.  He stiffened on reflex, but quickly relaxed.  Obi-Wan was never one for public displays of affection but for her he would make an exception.  

“Obi-Wan,” she breathed into his ear, clutching him tight. Disbelief tinged her voice and the air around them, like she wasn’t sure if any of this was real.  He clutched her just as hard, assuring her that it was. Her touch had stoked something in him, and he realized how long it’d been since he hugged another human being.

“Seraphine, my darling,” the term of endearment slipping out.  Obi-Wan rarely called her that with so many people around, but frankly he was too happy to care.  Gone were the days of having to reach out into the Force just to feel a taste of her presence.  Now, he was almost overwhelmed by it.  Their Bond seemed to swirl in harmony, sending waves of bliss and relief over them.

He didn’t mind.  All that mattered to him was the fact that she was finally back home with him, where she belonged.  

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Seraphine’s stomach somersaulted as the ship dropped out of hyperspace and made its descent onto the landing platform.  The nerves were overwhelming, but a tiny ball of excitement sat in her chest as well.  She’d be seeing her best friend again.  

The hatch of the ship opened with a hiss and she willed her legs to move forward, half aware of Cordé trailing behind. The two were greeted by a Commander Cody at the bottom before making their way towards the Temple entrance.

From afar, Seraphine could see a small group of people gathered that seemed to be waiting.  She squinted, trying to make out any faces while making small talk with Cody.  Her heart caught in her throat when she was close enough to see him.  Obi-Wan.

Oh, still as handsome as the day I left him, she thought.  He looked a bit different, but that familiar twinkle in his eyes let Seraphine know that it was still her best friend standing before her.  Not to mention the signature smirk he so often wore.  Smug bastard.  

He had grown older, but not in a bad way. The smile lines that crinkled around his eyes made him look even more distinguished.  His hair had grown out, accompanied by a well-groomed beard that suited him perfectly.  Maker, that beard, she thought.  Seraphine willed her mind to keep itself in check, but that kriffing beard was raising all sorts of sinful thoughts in her head.  Thoughts she quickly shook away as her face began to heat up.  

The traditional Jedi attire he usually wore included additions of battle armor that broadened his shoulders and heightened his build.  Seraphine never thought she’d live to see the day where Obi-Wan Kenobi, the ever “peaceful negotiator”, donned an outfit for war but he looked good.  It should be a damn crime to look that good.  

The excitement in her chest was crushing and her feet surged forward on their own.  A huge grin was plastered on her face as she threw her arms around him, whispering his name. She felt Obi-Wan stiffen for a split second, but his arms dropped and encircled her just as quick.  

“Seraphine, my darling,” he whispered softly in her hair. A stronger flush rose on her cheeks at the sound of his nickname for her, and she was thankful he couldn’t see her face. She breathed in his scent and smiled. Still the same as before: warm, clean, with a hint of oak.  Seraphine squeezed tighter, wanting to make sure it was really him standing in front of her.  No more reaching out into the Force just to feel a faint taste of his presence.  Now his signature shined brightly, blazing through their Bond.  He was really here, and she was finally home.

The grin never left her face as she took a step back to look at him.  Stormy blue eyes meeting hers and making her heart melt.  A wave of relief washed over them, and neither was able to tell whose it was.

There was so much Seraphine wanted to say, but the right words just wouldn’t seem to form.  Instead, she resorted to what she knew best with him— teasing.  She playfully tapped the end of his beard with a small smirk.  

“You look… different,” she said with a laugh, and thankfully he did too.  “In a good way.”  A smile spread across Obi-Wan’s face, along with that twinkle in his eye.  

“I could say the same about you,” he countered, and Seraphine’s face betrayed her with another blush.  The older Jedi thought it was endearing how easily flustered she was, even if she found it mortifying.  He watched in amusement as she tried to force it down and cover it up with an eyeroll.

Remembering they weren’t alone, Seraphine turned to the man standing next to Obi-Wan.  Her brows furrowed, trying to identify him.  He seemed to enjoy watching her try and figure it out, judging from the mischievous smile on his face.  Something about it made him look so familiar, almost like…

“Anakin?” Seraphine asked, dumbfounded.  Anakin responded with an even bigger grin than hers before reaching out for his own hug.  “Gods, I can’t believe it.  You’re not a little kid anymore,” she mumbled, feeling bittersweet.  He had completely grown up in her absence, his figure towering over hers.  The thought was sobering.  Seraphine felt like it was just yesterday she was wrapping him in blankets, acclimating him to the cold of Coruscant.  

“It’s good to see you again, Seraphine,” he punctuated with a tight squeeze.  As she looked over his shoulder, she met the eyes of a young Togruta girl.  She wondered why a Padawan would be here, but still gave a polite smile as she pulled back from Anakin.  

“I don’t believe we’ve met yet, what’s your name?” Seraphine inquired, extending an arm out as a greeting.  The girl seemed to be skeptical at first, but with a small nod from Anakin she took Seraphine’s hand.  

“I’m Ahsoka Tano.  I’m Master Skywalker’s Padawan,” she answered, pride clear in her voice.  Seraphine tried to hide her surprise as she let go of her hand.  While Anakin had been a very skilled and powerful student when she left, he was still wild and headstrong.  The fact that he’d been Knighted, let alone given a Padwan, shocked her.  I supposed if anyone could get a Padawan so early, it’d be the Chosen One, she thought.  

“Seraphine Kharis, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Oh, I know,” Ahsoka replied, much to Seraphine’s confusion.  “We’ve talked about the Kessel mission in our studies.  Your work is looked up to by a lot of us.”

Seraphine tilted her head at her, a look of puzzlement on her face.  They talked about us in their classes?  “Well, it certainly wasn’t just me, I had a lot of help.  Especially from her,” she assured, putting a hand on Cordé’s shoulder.

After everyone was introduced, the group made their way towards the inside of the Temple.  Falling into stride with Obi-Wan, Seraphine leaned to his side to whisper.

“They gave him a Padawan already?”

“Hey!” Anakin interjected, shooting a glare my way.  Obi-Wan chuckled.

“Oh, trust me.  I expressed the same sentiment at first, but he seems to be doing alright so far,” Obi-Wan assured.  Seraphine could only imagine his initial reaction but knew that he trusted Anakin.  That didn’t stop her from teasing though.

“Right, I can tell from the number of new grays you’re sporting.”

Ahsoka’s mouth fell open in shock and laughter while Anakin snickered.  Obi-Wan simply glared back, but Seraphine knew there was a small smile threatening to take over.

“It’s nice to know you haven’t lost your sense of humor while you were gone,” he countered.  

“Never,” she smirked.  Obi-Wan shook his head at her.  

“Now, you two can drop your bags off in your rooms, but I’m afraid we’ll have to go straight into the briefing after.  The Council is waiting, and you’ll be introduced to your clone divisions.”

Anakin and Ahsoka announced they’d be going ahead while Obi-Wan led the remaining duo to the main sleeping quarters.  Seraphine was surprised to see that they had decided to give her old room back, with Cordé being given the one right across.  

Seraphine peered into the old room, not sure what to expect.  The quaint space she had spent almost her entire life in was void of any artifacts or trinkets that once branded it her own, but strangely still felt like home.

Some things never change.

They dropped off their things and made their way towards the briefing rooms.  

[96harmony96]

Chapter 2

Just before I exited the elevator into the vestibule of Waters Field & Leaman, the advertising firm I worked for on the twentieth floor, Lauren whispered in my ear, “Think about me all day.”

I squeezed her hand surreptitiously in the crowded car. “Always do.”

She continued the ride up to the top floor, which housed the headquarters of Jauregui Industries. The Crossfire was her, one of many properties she owned throughout the city, including the apartment complex I lived in.

I tried not to pay attention to that. My mom was a career trophy wife. She’d given up my father’s love for an affluent lifestyle, which I couldn’t relate to at all. I’d prefer love over wealth any day, but I suppose that was easy for me to say because I had money—a sizable investment portfolio—of my own. Not that I ever touched it. I wouldn’t. I’d paid too high a price and couldn’t imagine anything worth the cost.

Megumi, the receptionist, buzzed me through the glass security door and greeted me with a big smile. She was a pretty woman, young like me, with a stylish bob of glossy black hair framing stunning Asian features.

“Hey,” I said, stopping by her desk. “Got any plans for lunch?”

“I do now.”

“Awesome.” My grin was wide and genuine. As much as I loved Cary and enjoyed spending time with him, I needed girlfriends, too. Cary had already started building a network of acquaintances and friends in our adopted city, but I’d been sucked into the Lauren vortex almost from the outset. As much as I’d prefer to spend every moment with her, I knew it wasn’t healthy. Female friends would give it to me straight when I needed it, and I was going to have to cultivate those friendships if I wanted them.

Setting off, I headed down the long hallway to my cubicle. When I reached my desk, I put my bag and purse in the bottom drawer, keeping my smartphone out so I could silence it. I found a text from Cary: I’m sorry, baby girl.

“Cary Taylor,” I sighed. “I love you . . . even when you’re pissing me off.”

And he’d pissed me off royally. No woman wanted to come home to a sexual clusterfuck in progress on her living room floor. Especially not while in the middle of a fight with her new girlfriend.

I texted back, Block off the wknd 4 me if u can.

There was a long pause and I imagined him absorbing my request. Damn, he texted back finally. Must be some ass kicking u have planned.

“Maybe a little,” I muttered, shuddering as I remembered the . . . orgy I’d walked in on. But mostly I thought Cary and I needed to spend some quality downtime together. We hadn’t been living in Manhattan long. It was a new town for us, new apartment, new jobs and experiences, new partners for both of us. We were out of our element and struggling, and since we both had barge loads of baggage from our pasts, we didn’t handle struggling well. Usually we leaned on each other for balance, but we hadn’t had much time for that lately. We really needed to make the time. Up for a trip to Vegas? Just u and me?

Fuck yeah!

K . . . more later. As I silenced my phone and put it away, my gaze passed briefly over the two collage photo frames next to my monitor—one filled with photos of both of my parents and one of Cary, and the other filled with photos of me and Lauren. Lauren had put the latter collection together herself, wanting me to have a reminder of her just like the reminder she had of me on her desk. As if I needed it . . .

I loved having those images of the people I loved close by: my mom with her golden cap of curls and her bombshell smile, her curvy body scarcely covered by a tiny bikini as she enjoyed the French Riviera on my stepdad’s yacht; my stepfather, Richard Stanton, looking regal and distinguished, his silver hair oddly complementing the looks of his much younger wife; and Cary, who was captured in all his photogenic glory, with his lustrous brown hair and sparkling green eyes, his smile wide and mischievous. That million-dollar face was starting to pop up in magazines everywhere and soon would grace billboards and bus stops advertising Grey Isles clothing.

I looked across the strip of hallway and through the glass wall that encased Mark Garrity’s very small office and saw his jacket hung over the back of his Aeron chair, even though the man himself wasn’t in sight. I wasn’t surprised to find him in the break room scowling into his coffee mug; he and I shared a java dependency.

“I thought you had the hang of it,” I said, referring to his trouble with the one-cup coffee maker.

“I do, thanks to you.” Mark lifted his head and offering a charmingly crooked smile. He had gleaming dark skin, a trim goatee, and soft brown eyes. In addition to being easy on the eyes, he was a great boss—very open to educating me about the ad business and quick to trust that he didn’t have to show me how to do something twice. We worked well together, and I hoped that would be the case for a long time to come.

“Try this,” he said, reaching for a second steaming cup waiting on the counter. He handed it to me and I accepted it gratefully, appreciating that he’d been thoughtful about adding cream and sweetener, which was how I liked it.

I took a cautious sip, since it was hot, then coughed over the unexpected—and unwelcome—flavor. “What is this?”

“Blueberry-flavored coffee.”

Abruptly, I was the one scowling. “Who the hell wants to drink that?”

“Ah, see . . . it’s our job to figure out who, then sell this to them.” He lifted his mug in a toast. “Here’s to our latest account!”

Wincing, I straightened my spine and took another sip.

* * *

I was pretty sure the sickly sweet taste of artificial blueberries was still coating my tongue two hours later. Since it was time for my break, I started an Internet search for Dr. Terrence Lucas, a man who’d clearly rubbed Lauren the wrong way when I’d seen the two men together at dinner the night before. I hadn’t gotten any further than typing the doctor’s name in the search box when my desk phone rang.

“Mark Garrity’s office,” I answered. “Camila Cabello speaking.”

“Are you serious about Vegas?” Cary asked without preamble.

“Totally.”

There was a pause. “Is this when you tell me you’re moving in with your billionaire girlfriend and I’ve got to go?”

“What? No. Are you nuts?” I squeezed my eyes shut, understanding how insecure Cary was but thinking we were too far along in our friendship for those kinds of doubts. “You’re stuck with me for life, you know that.”

“And you just up and decided we should go to Vegas?”

“Pretty much. Figured we could sip mojitos by the pool and live off room service for a couple days.”

“I’m not sure how much I can pitch in for that.”

“Don’t worry, it’s on Lauren. her plane, her hotel. We’ll just cover our food and drinks.” A lie, since I planned on covering everything except the airfare, but Cary didn’t need to know that.

“And she’s not coming with us?”

I leaned back in my chair and stared at one of the photos of Lauren. I missed her already and it’d been only a couple of hours since we’d been together. “she’s got business in Arizona, so she’ll share the flights back and forth, but it’ll be just you and me in Vegas. I think we need it.”

“Yeah.” He exhaled harshly. “I could do with a change of scenery and some quality time with my best girl.”

“Okay, then. She wants to fly out by eight tomorrow night.”

“I’ll start packing. Want me to put a bag together for you, too?”

“Would you? That’d be great!” Cary could’ve been a stylist or personal shopper. He had serious talent when it came to clothes.

“camila?”

“Yeah?”

He sighed. “Thank you for putting up with my shit.”

“Shut up.”

After we hung up, I stared at the phone for a long minute, hating that Cary was so unhappy when everything in his life was going so well. He was an expert at self-sabotage, never truly believing he was worthy of happiness.

As I returned my attention to work, the Google search on my monitor reminded me of my interest in Dr. Terry Lucas. A few articles about her had been posted on the Web, complete with pictures that cemented the verification.

Pediatrician. Forty-five years of age. Married for twenty years. Nervously, I searched for “Dr. Terrence Lucas and wife,” inwardly cringing at the thought of seeing a golden-skinned, long-haired blonde. I exhaled my relief when I saw that Mrs. Lucas was a pale-skinned woman with short, bright red hair.

But that left me with more questions. I’d figured it would be a woman who’d caused the trouble between the two men.

The fact was, Lauren and I really didn’t know that much about each other. We knew the ugly stuff—at least she knew mine; I’d mostly guessed her from some pretty obvious clues. We knew some of the basic cohabitation stuff about each other after spending so many nights sleeping over at our respective apartments. she’d met half of my family and I’d met all of her. But we hadn’t been together long enough to touch on a whole lot of the periphery stuff. And frankly, I think we weren’t as forthcoming or inquisitive as we could’ve been, as if we were afraid to pile any more crap onto an already struggling relationship.

We were together because we were addicted to each other. I was never as intoxicated as I was when we were happy together, and I knew it was the same for her. We were putting ourselves through the wringer for those moments of perfection between us, but they were so tenuous that only our stubbornness, determination, and love kept us fighting for them.

Enough with making yourself crazy.

I checked my e-mail, and found my daily Google alert on “Lauren Jauregui.” The day’s digest of links led mostly to photos of Lauren, in black tie sans tie, and me at the charity dinner at the Waldorf Astoria the night before.

“God.” I couldn’t help but be reminded of my mother when looking at the pictures of me in a champagne Vera Wang cocktail dress. Not just because of how closely my looks mirrored my mom’s—aside from my hair being brown, long and straight—but also because of the mega-mogul whose arm I graced.

sinu Cabello Barker Mitchell Stanton was very, very good at being a trophy wife. She knew precisely what was expected of her and delivered without fail. Although she’d been divorced twice, both times had been by her choice and both divorces had left her exes despondent over losing her. I didn’t think less of my mother, because she gave as good as she got and didn’t take anyone for granted, but I’d grown up striving for independence. My right to say no was my most valued possession.

Minimizing my e-mail window, I pushed my personal life aside and went back to searching for market comparisons on fruity coffee. I coordinated some initial meetings between the strategists and Mark and helped Mark with brainstorming a campaign for a gluten-free restaurant. Noon approached and I was starting to feel seriously hungry when my phone rang. I answered with my usual greeting.

“camila?” an accented female voice greeted me. “It’s Magdalene. Do you have a minute?”

I leaned back in my chair, alert. Magdalene and I had once shared a moment of sympathy over Corinne’s unexpected and unwanted reappearance in Lauren’s life, but I’d never forget how vicious Magdalene had been to me the first time we’d met. “Just. What’s up?”

She sighed, then spoke quickly, her words flowing in a rush. “I was sitting at the table behind Corinne last night. I could hear a bit of what was being said between her and Lauren during dinner.”

My stomach tensed, preparing for an emotional blow. Magdalene knew just how to exploit my insecurities about Lauren. “Stirring up crap while I’m at work is a new low,” I said coldly. “I don’t—”

“she wasn’t ignoring you.”

My mouth hung open a second, and she quickly filled the silence.

“she was managing her, camila. She was making suggestions for where to take you around New York since you’re new in town, but she was doing it by playing the old remember-when-you-and-I-went-there game.”

“A walk down memory lane,” I muttered, grateful now that I hadn’t been able to hear much of Lauren’s low-voiced conversation with her ex.

“Yes.” Magdalene took a deep breath. “You left because you thought she was ignoring you for her. I just want you to know that she seemed to be thinking about you, trying to keep Corinne from upsetting you.”

“Why do you care?”

“Who says I do? I owe you one, Camila, for the way I introduced myself.”

I thought about that. Yeah, she owed me for when she ambushed me in the bathroom with her catty jealous bullshit. Not that I bought it as her sole motivation. Maybe I was just the lesser of two evils. Maybe she was keeping her enemies close. “All right. Thank you.”

No denying I felt better. A weight I hadn’t realized I was carrying around was suddenly relieved.

“Something else,” Magdalene went on. “she went after you.”

My grip tightened on the phone receiver. Lauren always came after me . . . because I was always running. My recovery was so fragile that I’d learned to protect it at all costs. When something threatened my stability, I ditched it.

“There have been other women in her life who’ve tried ultimatums like that, camila. They got bored or they wanted her attention or some kind of grand gesture . . . So they walked away and expected her to come after them. You know what she did?”

“Nothing,” I said softly, knowing my man. A man who never spent social time with women she slept with and never slept with women she associated with socially. Corinne and I were the sole exceptions to that rule, which was yet another reason why her ex sent me into fits of jealousy.

“Nothing more than making sure Angus dropped them off safely,” she confirmed, making me think it’d been a tactic she’d tried at some point. “But when you left, she couldn’t chase after you fast enough. And she wasn’t herself when she said good-bye. she seemed . . . off.”

Because she’d felt fear. My eyes closed as I mentally kicked myself. Hard.

Lauren had told me more than once that it terrified her when I ran, because she couldn’t handle the thought that I might not come back. What good did it do to say that I couldn’t imagine living without her when I so often showed her otherwise with my actions? Was it any wonder she hadn’t opened up to me about her past?

I had to stop running. Lauren and I were both going to have to stand and fight for this, for us, if we were going to have any hope of making our relationship work.

“Do I owe you now?” I asked neutrally, returning Mark’s wave as he left for lunch.

Magdalene exhaled in a rush. “Lauren and I have known each other a long time. Our mothers are best friends. You and I will see each other around, Camila, and I’m hoping we can find a way to avoid any awkwardness.”

The woman had come up to me and told me that the minute Lauren “shoved her dick” in me, I was “done.” And she’d hit me with that at a moment when I was especially vulnerable.

“Listen, Magdalene, if you don’t cause drama, we’ll get by.” And since she was being so forthright . . . “I can screw up my relationship with Lauren all by myself, trust me. I don’t need any help.”

She laughed softly. “That was my mistake, I think—I was too careful and too accommodating. she has to work at it with you. Anyway . . . I’ve taken up my minute. I’ll let you go.”

“Enjoy your weekend,” I said, in lieu of thanks. I still couldn’t trust her motivation.

“You, too.”

As I returned the receiver to its cradle, my gaze went to the photos of me and Lauren. I was abruptly overwhelmed by feelings of greed and possession. she was mine, yet I couldn’t be sure from one day to the next whether she’d stay mine. And the thought of any other woman having her made me insane.

I pulled open my bottom drawer and dug my smartphone out of my purse. Driven by the need to have her thinking as fiercely about me, I texted her about my sudden desperate hunger to devour her whole: I’d give anything to be sucking your cock right now.

Just thinking about how she looked when I took her in my mouth . . . the feral sounds she made when she was about to come . . .

Standing, I deleted the text the moment I saw it’d been delivered, then dropped my phone back in my purse. Since it was noon, I closed all the windows on my computer and headed out to reception to find Megumi.

“You hungry for anything in particular?” she asked, pushing to her feet and giving me a chance to admire her belted, sleeveless lavender dress.

I coughed because her question came so soon after my text. “No. Your choice. I’m not picky.”

We pushed out through the glass doors to reach the elevators.

“I am so ready for the weekend,” Megumi said with a groan as she stabbed the call button with an acrylic-tipped finger. “A day and a half left to go.”

“Got something fun planned?”

“That remains to be seen.” She sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Blind date,” she explained ruefully.

“Ah. Do you trust the person setting you up?”

“My roommate. I expect the guy will at least be physically attractive, because I know where she sleeps at night and paybacks are a bitch.”

I was smiling as an elevator car reached our floor and we stepped inside. “Well, that ups your odds for a good time.”

“Not really, since she found him by going on a blind date with him first. She swears he’s great, just more my type than hers.”

“Hmm.”

“I know, right?” Megumi shook her head and looked up at the decorative, old-fashioned needle above the car doors that marked the passing floors.

“You’ll have to let me know how it goes.”

“Oh, yeah. Wish me luck.”

“Absolutely.” We’d just stepped out into the lobby when I felt my purse vibrate beneath my arm. As we passed through the turnstiles, I dug for my phone and felt my stomach tighten at the sight of Lauren’s name. she was calling, not sexting me back.

“Excuse me,” I said to Megumi before answering.

She waved it off nonchalantly. “Go for it.”

“Hey,” I greeted her playfully.

“camila.”

I missed a step hearing the way she growled my name. There was a wealth of promise in the roughness of her voice.

Slowing, I found I was speechless, just from hearing her say my name with that edginess I craved—the sharp bite that told me she wanted to be inside me more than she wanted anything else in the world.

While people flowed around me, entering and exiting the building, I was halted by the weighted silence on my phone. The unspoken and nearly irresistible demand. she made no sound at all—I couldn’t even hear her breathing—but I felt her hunger. If I didn’t have Megumi waiting patiently for me, I’d be riding an elevator to the top floor to satisfy her unvoiced command to make good on my offer.

The memory of the time I’d sucked her off in her office simmered through me, making my mouth water. I swallowed. “Lauren . . .”

“You wanted my attention—now you have it. I want to hear you say those words.”

I felt my face flush. “I can’t. Not here. Let me call you later.”

“Step over by the column and out of the way.”

Startled, I looked around for her. Then I remembered that the Caller ID put her in her office. My gaze lifted, searching for the security cameras. Immediately, I felt her eyes on me, hot and wanting. Arousal surged through me, spurred by her desire.

“Hurry along, angel. Your friend’s waiting.”

I moved to the column, my breathing fast and audible.

“Now tell me. Your text made me hard, camila. What are you going to do about it?”

My hand went to my throat, my gaze sliding helplessly to Megumi, who watched me with raised brows. I lifted one finger up, asking for another minute, then turned my back to her and whispered, “I want you in my mouth.”

“Why? To play with me? To tease me like you’re doing now?” There was no heat in her voice, just calm severity.

I knew to pay careful attention when Lauren got serious about sex.

“No.” I lifted my face to the tinted dome in the ceiling that concealed the nearest security camera. “To make you come. I love making you come, Lauren.”

she exhaled harshly. “A gift, then.”

Only I knew what it meant for Lauren to view a sexual act as a gift. For her, sex had previously been about pain and degradation or lust and necessity. Now, with me, it was about pleasure and love. “Always.”

“Good. Because I treasure you, Camila, and what we have. Even our driving urge to fuck each other constantly is precious to me, because it matters.”

I sagged into the column, admitting to myself that I’d fallen into an old destructive habit—I’d exploited sexual attraction to ease my insecurities. If Lauren was lusting after me, she couldn’t be lusting after anyone else. How did she always know what was going on in my mind?

“Yes,” I breathed, closing my eyes. “It matters.”

There’d been a time when I’d turned to sex to feel affection, confusing momentary desire with genuine caring. Which was why I now insisted on having some sort of friendly framework in place before I went to bed with a man. I never again wanted to roll out of a lover’s bed feeling worthless and dirty.

And I sure as hell didn’t want to cheapen what I shared with Lauren just because I was irrationally scared of losing her.

It hit me then that I was off balance. I had this sick feeling in my gut, like something awful was going to happen.

“You can have what you want after work, angel.” her voice deepened, grew raspier. “In the meantime, enjoy lunch with your co-worker. I’ll be thinking about you. And your mouth.”

“I love you, Lauren.”

It took a couple of deep breaths after I hung up to compose myself enough to join Megumi again. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Everything all right?”

“Yes. Everything’s fine.”

“Things still hot and heavy with you and Lauren Jauregui?” She glanced at me with a slight smile.

“Umm . . .” Oh yes. “Yes, that’s fine, too.” And I wished desperately that I could talk about it. I wished I could just open the valve and gush about my overwhelming feelings for her. How thoughts of her consumed me, how the feel of her beneath my hands drove me wild, how the passion of her tortured soul cut into me like the sharpest blade.

But I couldn’t. Not ever. She was too visible, too well known. Private tidbits about her life were worth a small fortune. I couldn’t risk it.

“she sure is,” Megumi agreed. “Damn fine. Did you know her before you started working here?”

“No. Although I suppose we would have met eventually.” Because of our pasts. My mother gave generously to many abused children’s charities, as did Lauren. It was inevitable that Lauren and I would’ve crossed paths at some point. I wondered what that meeting would have been like—her with a gorgeous blonde on her arm and me with Cary. Would we have had the same visceral reaction to each other from a distance as we’d had up close in the Crossfire lobby?

she’d wanted me the moment she saw me on the street.

“I wondered.” Megumi pushed through the revolving lobby door. “I read that it was serious between you two,” she went on when I joined her outside on the sidewalk. “So I thought maybe you’d known her before.”

“Don’t believe everything you read on those gossip blogs.”

“So it’s not serious?”

“I didn’t say that.” It was too serious at times. Painfully, brutally so.

She shook her head. “God . . . listen to me pry. Sorry. Gossip is one of my vices. So are extremely hot women like Lauren Jauregui. I can’t help but wonder what it’d be like to hook up with a gir whose body screams sex like that. Tell me she’s awesome in bed.”

I smiled. It was good to hang out with another girl. Not that Cary couldn’t also be appreciative of a hot guy, but nothing beat girl talk. “You won’t hear me complaining.”

“Lucky bitch.” Bumping shoulders with me to show she was teasing, she said, “How about that roommate of yours? From the photos I saw, she’s gorgeous, too. Is she single? Wanna hook me up?”

Turning my head quickly, I hid a wince. I’d learned the hard way never to set up an acquaintance or friend with Cary. He was so easy to love, which led to a lot of broken hearts because he couldn’t love back the same way. The moment things started going too well, Cary sabotaged them. “I don’t know if he’s single or not. Things are . . . complicated in his life at the moment.”

“Well, if the opportunity presents itself, I’m certainly not opposed. Just sayin’. You like tacos?”

“Love ’em.”

“I know a great place a couple blocks up. Come on.”

* * *

Things were going well in my world as Megumi and I headed back from lunch. Forty minutes of gossip, guy-ogling, and three awesome carne asada tacos later, I was feeling pretty good. And we were returning to work a little over ten minutes early, which I was glad for since I hadn’t been the most punctual employee lately, even though Mark never complained.

The city was thrumming around us, taxis and people surging through the growing heat and humidity as they crammed what they could into the insufficient hours of the day. I people-watched shamelessly, my eyes skimming over everyone and everything.

Men in business suits walked alongside women in flowing skirts and flip-flops. Ladies in haute couture and five-hundred-dollar shoes teetered past steaming hot dog vendor carts and shouting hawkers. The eclectic mix of New York was heaven to me, stirring an excitement that made me feel more vibrant here than anyplace else I’d ever lived.

We were stopped by a traffic light directly across from the Crossfire, and my gaze was immediately drawn to the black Bentley sitting in front of it. Lauren must’ve just gotten back from lunch. I couldn’t help but think about her sitting in her car on the day we’d met, watching me as I took in the imposing beauty of her Crossfire Building. It made me tingly just thinking about it—

Suddenly, I went cold.

Because a striking blonde breezed out of the revolving doors just then and paused, giving me a good, long look at her—Lauren’s ideal, whether she’d been aware of it or not. A woman I’d witnessed her fixate on the moment she’d seen her in the Waldorf Astoria ballroom. A woman whose poise and hold over Lauren brought out all my worst insecurities.

Corinne Giroux looked like a breath of fresh air in a cream-colored sheath dress and cherry red heels. She ran a hand over her waist-length hair, which wasn’t quite as sleek as it’d appeared last night when I’d met her. In fact, it looked a little disheveled. And her fingers were rubbing at her mouth, wiping along the outline of her lips.

I pulled my smartphone out, activated the camera, and snapped a picture. With the proximity of the zoom, I could see why she was fussing with her lipstick—it was smeared. No, more like mashed. As if from a passionate kiss.

The light changed. Megumi and I moved with the flow, closing the distance between me and the woman who’d once had Lauren’s promise to marry her. Angus stepped out of the Bentley and came around, speaking to her briefly before opening the back door for her. The feeling of betrayal—Angus’s and Lauren’s—was so fierce, I couldn’t catch my breath. I swayed on my feet.

“Hey.” Megumi caught my arm to steady me. “And we only had virgin margaritas, lightweight!”

I watched Corinne’s willowy body slide into the back of Lauren’s car with practiced grace. My fists clenched as fury surged through me. Through the haze of my angry tears, the Bentley pulled away from the curb and disappeared.

[ohsamulet]

Sam and Dean and Hugs

As promised, here's the Sam-style-hugs analysis/expansion to this post! Hope you're all looking forward to some serious rambling. (thanks @jbt111886 for the inspiration!)

So, let’s jump right into it!

The first time Sam goes in for a hug is in 3x11, Mystery Spot, and if that isn't a tackle-hug then I don't know what is.

Dean doesn't even know what hit him. Notice also how Sam throws both his arms around Dean's neck, when it's usually the other way around? Well, I say "usually", but let's go into more detail here because why the hell not. I've pointed out in a different post that Dean actually initiates most of the hugs we get to see (death/injury-hugs and heaven/memory-hugs excluded), and he also likes to go all big-brother on Sam, make himself as big and protective as possible, and have his arms over and around Sam's shoulders. And even when it's Sam who initiates the hug, as long as Dean knows that there's a hug about to happen, he'll have at least one arm on top. In Mystery Spot, he has no idea what's coming, and Sam is free to tackle-glomp-hug him, basically throw himself at Dean, and be the protective one for once. Which, I feel, is very understandable given what he's just been through. Another thing that amazes me about this hug is that Sam somehow manages to look like an impenetrable barrier between Dean and every possible imaginable danger, but at the same time so damn vulnerable, clinging to Dean like there's no fricking tomorrow.

I also want to point out that, even though Dean is confused as all hell and has no idea what's gotten into Sam, he just hugs Sam back and lets him do his thing, waiting for Sam to move away first because it's obvious that Sam needs that right now.

Okay let's move on.

The very next hug we get is 4x01, Lazarus Rising. Now, for some reason I always thought that this one was an instance where they both went in for the hug at the same time, but re-watching and giffing it I realized that it's actually another Sam-hug. Look here:

Dean's just standing there, waiting for the penny to drop for Sam, and when it does, well. There goes Sam, throwing himself at Dean again. But this time Dean knows very well what's coming so they end up with both of them having one arm over and one under. And I think this is the most mutual clinging and rib-crushing hug we got so far? I mean look how they're already all tangled up in each other and then Dean clutches Sam's shoulder and pulls him even closer.

And again, Dean just holds Sam until Sam pulls away.

Moving on, the next hug we get is in 5x16, Dark side of the Moon. It's another Sam-hug, and it's a memory that we see in Dean's (or actually Sam and Dean's) heaven, and I won't go into too much detail on this one but I want to point out that it's Sam who hugs Dean, and it's also Sam who let's go first.

Two hugs later and it's 6x12, Like a Virgin, and Sam just got his soul back. For a second while writing this I was tempted to call this one the most intense and desperate Sam-hug, but then I remembered 3x11 and 14x12 so.. scratch that. But Look At This:

See how the moment Dean hugs him back, Sam almost breaks down then and there? Cause I see it and it makes me c r y. From Sam's POV, he only threw himself into the pit a few minutes ago, something he never expected to come back from. He doesn't remember anything that happened in the last year and a half, he has no idea how he got out of hell or what happened since. He's incredibly relieved but also unsure and probably scared. But Dean is there and he's fine, so whatever happend can't be too bad, right?! And even if it is, as long as they're together, they can fix it. So Sam clings – quite literally – to the one thing he can be sure of. Which happens to be Dean.

And, again, (surprise!) Sam's the first one to let go.

Can you believe season 7 left us completely hug-less? A CRIME. Anyway, all of season 8's hugs are Dean-hugs so I'll skip those for now (worry not, I'll come back to them later).

The next two Sam-hugs are 9x23, Do You Believe In Miracles and 10x14, Executioner's Song, and for one Dean is dead for most of it, and the other is really more Sam catching Dean before he collapses than it is a hug, imho, so I'll skip both.

Fast forward over season 11, 12, 13, most of 14, (and 4 Dean-hugs), and we finally get to 14x12. Prophet and Loss. Damn that was a good episode, and it blessed us with another Sam-hug. And also the second longest hug ever, after 2x21. And Sam was dead for most of that. Let me just put this hug into perspective a little bit.. the Prophet and Loss hug is 28 seconds long. The second longest one after that, for which both brothers are alive, is 4x01, Lazarus Rising, about which I talked earlier – and that's only 15 seconds! The Prophet and Loss hug is almost TWICE as long.

AND LOOK AT IT.

We all know what happens a few seconds before the hug, and isn't it the most heartbreaking thing?! Sam has kept his emotions in check for the entire episode but he can't take it anymore and he just explodes at Dean, so overwhelmed by worry and fear and love and desperation that he doesn't know what to do. Because for once, it's not some monster, demon, angel, or other evil thing he has to fight to save Dean's life – but it's Dean himself, and his damn stubbornness and selflessness.

Okay so this post is supposed to be about how Sam's hugs are more desperate and bone-crushing than Dean's, and I mean if this isn't the perfect example, then what is? He literally punches Dean in the face and then pulls him into his arms where he somehow clings to him for dear life AND holds him firmly in place in a silent "don't you dare go anywhere" and "please, please don't leave me" at the same time. For 28 seconds, can I just say that again!!!! Because that's how long it takes for Dean to agree to toss this self-sacrificing plan of his out the window! And only then does Sam let him go. What if Dean hadn't agreed to try and find another way? Would Sam just have kept holding on to him? Honestly? Probably. Because as long as Dean has a Sam around his neck he can't get into the stupid box, and if that's what it takes then that's what it takes.

Okay let's move on from 14x12 maybe because I'm getting too emotional. Let's look at some Dean-hugs and compare them to the Sam-hugs, shall we? For fairness' sake, I'll skip death-hugs again. Okay, ready? Here we go.

I want to talk about Dean-hugs in general for a bit, first. Of course there are exceptions, but compared to Sam-hugs they're generally less aggressive and desperate, and more loving and gentle. Like in 8x20, Pac-Man-Fever, he walks up to Sam very calmly, grabs him by the shoulder, pulls him into his arms and holds him firmly but gently. And have you ever seen so much love and affection and contentment on a face as we see on Dean's right here? Yeah. No. And of course, since it's a Dean-hug, and one that Sam didn't expect at all, of course Dean gets to go full big-brother again, with both arms over Sam's.

Speaking of soft and gentle Dean-hugs, let's look at the one from 12x22, Who We Are, in which Dean does one of my Favorite Things, which is his little "c'mere". Off the top of my head I can think of 4 times he says that to Sam in situations where it's pretty obvious that a hug is definitely in order but they're both kinda struggling to figure out who's supposed to go for the hug first and if the other one even wants a hug and "okay how chick-flicky are we going to make this". And Dean's "c'mere" is Dean-speak for 'it's okay' and 'i can see that you need this, and damn it, i do too'.

Or what about this one from 13x22, Exodus:

Just. Look at Sam for a second. He looks so damn lost and insecure, and 'I need a hug' is basically written all over his face, but 'no chick-flick-moments' and 'we're not gonna have to hug or anything, right?' is so ingrained in his brain that he can't move. But Dean needs this just as much, maybe even more than Sam, he just has more control over his face. So he goes for the big-brother hug again, wrapping both arms around Sam and just holding him, silently saying everything he can't put into words. "I was so scared", "I'm so glad you're okay", "I love you", "I'm here", "I'm so sorry" and it's so damn soft.

And you know what else is soft as all hell?? The freaking hug from 14x11!! Can you believe this one actually happened? I mean have you ever seen anything SO SOFT??

Look at how Dean's hands hover in the air for a moment before he lays them down on Sam's shoulder so incredibly gently and pulls Sam into a hug. The entire purpose of this hug is to show Sam how much Dean loves him, how much he means to him, so Sam can remember that when Dean is gone, and it shows. Let me talk about this hug some more because !! listen, the first time I saw it, my initial reaction was: 'wow, awkward', and I wasn't the biggest fan of it, at first. It felt a bit forced, a bit strange, a bit uncomfortable. But once I thought about it for a bit, I realized: that's exactly how it's supposed to feel!! It IS forced, it IS strange, it IS uncomfortable, nothing about this situation is comfortable or ordinary or natural. Dean is forced to leave Sam, for good, and he can't even explain why, he can't even say goodbye, and on top of that Sam is probably a little bit hurt by what Dean just asked of him, and that is NOT what Dean wants Sam's last memory of him to be.. he just has to do something. And this hug is the weird and awkward and messy result of all that and it's beautiful. Also, and this has nothing to do with anything, I just want to point it out: look how Sam doesn't move away or even really flinch – instead he automatically leans into the hug, closer to Dean, even though he has no idea what's going on. How soft can you get??

Okay, moving on, because there's one more thing I want to talk about (only briefly, don't worry), and that's the tackle-style Dean hugs. Because funnily enough these always seem to happen when Sam's hurt in one way or another, and being pulled into a bone-crushing hug is definitely not the most comfortable thing for him right then, but Dean can't help himself and it's not like Sam minds all that much.

The thing that gets me though, is that even though it's very clear that Sam's in pain, he doesn't pull away but let's Dean hug him for as long as he wants. The two most notable examples of this are 2x22, All Hell Breaks Loose, and 8x19, Taxi Driver.

This is starting to get pretty freaking long so here's the gist of it.

TL;DR – Sam usually tries to express his emotions with words, first. Remember "You're my brother and I still love you", "You were the one who was always there for me", "I could always count on you", "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you", "I looked up to you since I was four", "I followed you to hell and back". He doesn't initiate a lot of hugs, but when he does, HE REALLY DOES. When he's overwhelmed by emotion and words completely fail him, then it's full on tackle, wrapping himself around Dean, body and soul, desperate, bone-crushing, rib-bruising, holding on for dear life hugs.

Dean isn't as good with words – or, well, he is, he could be, but he's just a more tactile person. To him, touch says more than any amount of words he could string together, so he goes in for a hug way more often than Sam does. And since he doesn't have to be completely overwhelmed with emotions to go in for hugs, his are usually less explosive, less desperate, but gentle, calm, soft, warm, loving.

And they both live by a strict 'hug and let hug' policy, meaning that they always wait for the one who started the hug to end the hug. There's no refusing hugs, there's no cutting hugs short. If one of them needs a hug, he gets one. For as long as he wants or needs, no questions asked. It hurts? Tough it out. It takes forever? Deal with it. Got other shit to do? So what.

Say what you will about their unhealthy, messy, tangled up relationship with each other, but this is something they do right, and it makes me so damn happy.

[yokikanas]

“Akihiko x Ugetsu” Deserved Better (Given by Kizu Natsuki)

SPOILERS UP TO CHAPTER 27

Just as Yuki represented ‘lost love’ to Mafuyu, Ugetsu was the ‘first love’ of Akihiko. Throughout the second arc, the relationship between Akihiko and Ugetsu was often portrayed as ‘violent’ and ‘painful’ even when describing how they first met. However, Kizu Natsuki cleverly portrays the complexity of love through Akihiko & Ugetsu. I’ll briefly go through their storyline, divided into segments since their story is kind of all over the place, and then why they deserved better.

1. “FIRST LOVE”

Their relationship was complex from the very beginning. It’s been reinforced repeatedly in the second arc that they were each other’s first loves and they loved each other very sincerely but Chapter 17 shows how spontaneous they were. Ignoring the ‘rough’ vocabulary during Akihiko’s monologue, he talks a lot about his fascination towards Ugetsu’s passion. It’s also indicated that he views Ugetsu as a rival because when he’s placed 2nd, he instantly gives up on the violin. Rather than love, Akihiko was clearly obsessed with Ugetsu in regards to music. For Ugetsu, he is shown to instantly accept Akihiko’s affections despite his shock, hence their relationship was very much impulsive on both their parts. Still, it is through music that brought them together and somewhere along the way, they have shown sincerity and genuinely cared for each other.

Eventually, Ugetsu broke up with Akihiko due to the fact that being in a relationship wasn’t allowing him to do what he wanted. This is evident in when Ugetsu says “As long as Akihiko is with me, I’ll be unable to become free with my music” and this always happens when your passions outweigh the relationship. He also became aware of the fact that Akihiko was obsessed with him. There is nothing wrong with starting a love for all the wrong reasons or breaking up for the right reasons. However, it is the process of handling a breakup that can certainly prove to be difficult. Which is why it’s important to illustrate how both Akihiko and Ugetsu cope with this afterward.

2. COPING WITH THE FIRST BREAKUP (AKIHIKO)

Akihiko is meant to portray the person who lets his emotions overwhelm & control him after a breakup. This changed a lot of things for him, and of course, Ugetsu’s actions throughout doesn’t help to clarify their relationship post-breakup. In Chapter 20 when Akihiko questions: “If you didn’t want me, why did you indulge in my feelings?” Not really sure if he was referring to his feelings since their first meeting or post-breakup but it still just shows that he has not come to terms with their breakup. He still loved Ugetsu and the fact that they’re living together + sexual relationship doesn’t help either. As such, this is why whenever Akihiko monologues about Ugetsu, he often uses 'violent’ vocabulary despite his obvious yearnings for Ugetsu time and time again. There is a dissonance in their relationship which causes him to act differently from how he thinks, and on top of that, he is struggling with his newfound feelings for Haruki. 

Eventually, this dissonance is finally resolved when he physically fights Ugetsu after finding him in bed with another man (Ch 20). His feelings are finally being shown outwardly when they start fist-fighting. Between the two of them, this fight is pivotal for Akihiko because his conflicted feelings for Ugetsu was not only affecting himself but for others around him too, and it took an incident with Haruki for him to realize this. Throughout the manga, you just get a sense that Akihiko was basically aimless and a mess after his breakup but in Chapter 22, he finally states that “... the two of us, we’re almost over” which is a clear statement that says he’s finally in the process of accepting his breakup and eventually, moving on.

3. COPING WITH THE FIRST BREAKUP (UGETSU)

As for Ugetsu, he’s meant to symbolize the person who tries NOT to deal with their emotions at all. At first, he seems more calm and rational when he is first introduced. Through his limited appearance, it’s been shown he knows how to draw the line between sex buddies, flatmates, and ex-lovers BUT he doesn’t strictly enforce this line all the time. In Chapter 16, he gives into sex with Akihiko after his concert but in Chapter 17, he grumbles about Akihiko treating his landlord (aka himself) as a slave. This attitude is what caused Akihiko to be confused in Chapter 20, when finding out Ugetsu had sex with another man.

He is also persistent about Akihiko moving on, which probably contributes to the assumption that Ugetsu handled the breakup well but this is just merely an excuse to mask his own insecurity of facing his own emotions. There are many instances where he’s seen to be persistent but the most obvious one is in Chapter 17 when he was left alone with Mafuyu. He outright tells Mafuyu that he would rather hurt Akihiko than to confront him: “I’ve been pushing him away but he hasn’t given up on me” which is just effectively running away from the problem altogether and leaving no room for closure. Though, unlike Akihiko who had a moment of clarity, Ugetsu never gave himself an opportunity to accept his own feelings and simply just uses his cold attitude as justification for his regrets, evident when he says: “I’m the lowest son of a bitch towards Akihiko and I guess he resents me you know... But I love him to death.”

4. THE SECOND BREAKUP

I can’t really go in-depth on this part since this chapter is not directly translated yet so here’s just a brief run-down of the chapter. But having explained how they coped post-breakup, you can probably identify who coped better in their second breakup and how their roles have finally reversed.

After attending their second gig and Mafuyu sings about ‘letting go of Yuki’, Ugetsu leaves the venue and Akihiko chases after him. As expected, Ugetsu is avoiding his emotions while Akihiko finally has the clarity to confront him. Ugetsu even outright tries to run away by refusing to face Akihiko and says that if he turns around, Akihiko will break up with him. This doesn’t stop Akihiko from saying his thoughts and goodbyes accordingly, but Ugetsu refuses to accept these feelings until the very end.

Afterward, it’s just a series of panels of their hands being let go and Akihiko finally moving on until Ugetsu turns back and tries to call him back until he’s stopped by Mafuyu’s lyrics, and instead, quietly just says “Bye Akihiko”. 

5. WHY THEY DESERVED BETTER

Before I can say why they deserved better, I want to acknowledge that I do identify the huge problems in their relationship and just how severely toxic they are for each other. In a normal loving relationship without music to communicate anything, this kind of relationship could possibly break a person’s soul. I also can’t possibly imagine putting myself in Ugetsu’s or Akihiko’s shoes, either going through their relationship OR coping with the first breakup.

But I believe they deserve better due to the basis that letting go was presented as their only option. In the earlier chapters, Haruki says that music is about communication, which empowered Mafuyu to talk about his bottled feelings for his late ex-boyfriend and childhood friend. Since music is often emphasized in this manga and music was the only constant that Akihiko and Ugetsu shared throughout their relationship, I honestly would have liked to see the two of them attempt to talk their feelings out, even if Ugetsu was the unwilling participant. 

On Akihiko’s part, I would have liked to see he at least tried to ask Ugetsu to define their relationship or approach him for some clarity on Ugetsu’s own feelings. This would have given him some direction, but not entirely and could possibly just making it all the more difficult for him to comprehend his relationship. This is so when he finally admits to Haruki that their relationship was ‘suffocating’, it would have made the statement so morally conflicting to the reader since he would have such a bittersweet reason for letting go.

As for Ugetsu, I do think that pushing away Akihiko was tragic enough and he has shown to be quite poor in communicating. However, if he had initiated an attempt to talk to Akihiko with good intentions but failed to communicate that properly, the rejection he faces just gives him a more understandable reason as to why he just prefers pushing away Akihiko and avoiding having to deal with his feelings. 

This possible situation of attempting to talk (and failing) could have made their relationship more realistic since they both have admitted that they really loved each other. I am aware that it has been 2 years and the appearance of Mafuyu finally prompted them to start letting go, but I do believe that talking was still an option no matter what. They were both very emotionally complex characters and while they had different goals, I would have liked to see them sort out their complexities on their own and thrive. Even if it was just for a day or one hour, I wanted to see them give their love a second chance and then decide for themselves if this relationship was healthy or not instead of immediately letting go of a stalemate relationship.

6. CONCLUSION

The entirety of the second arc is meant to portray how difficult it is to fall out of love when it has been sincere. Despite the shortcomings of their partners, both Akihiko and Ugetsu struggled to accept the end of their relationship. By the end of this arc, it shows the empowering capabilities of moving on despite how you interpret their relationship. Akihiko was able to start a new relationship with Haruki and Ugetsu, despite his tearful outer appearance, shows hope that he may become a better person.

Personally, I did want to see them continue and deal with their problems together, but I do still feel satisfied that Akihiko was able to leave for a better relationship. While I think most of my opinion is more about fleshing out their relationship, my main issue is the lack of other options (mostly attempts of communication) that was not presented to them. For a manga that emphasizes on communication, they really should have been given the chance to do so and it would have led to some phenomenal development or given us some insight on the two’s relationship dynamics.

When all that is said and done, the message of ‘first love’ and ‘moving on’ was still delivered wonderfully and I’m looking forward to what the third arc would entail. 

[kaypeace21]

What’s ur theories or what you want to see throughout season 3 for stranger things and what can you see for will for his arc

I literally would not be able to discuss every s3 theory I have in one post XD. But I can specify what theories/hopes I have for Will’s story arc in s3.

1) I want Will’s (not supernatural) PTSD to be addressed, as well as he deep-seeded  abandoment issues(caused by Lonnie), and low self-esteem to be addressed. He probably blames himself for Lonnie leaving, and causing his family’s financial issues (which will only worsen because of the new mall). Not to mention Will probably blames himself for Bob’s death- the only cannon romantic love interest in Joyce’s life, since Lonnie. Will clearly has a low self esteem and when people ‘leave him’ he blames himself entirely. A good indicator of this, was when Jonathan says he has friends. And Will is confused and says … 

This in itself is extremely telling of how Will views himself. After s1 despite all the kids, teens, and adults doing everything they could to save him (risking their lives to do so) he still doesn’t understand why any of them actual would want to hang around him- he doesn’t see ‘his appeal- his worth’. He doesn’t like himself . He sees himself as a burden, just like his dad perceived him. And because of his abandonment issues, and somewhat iffy social skills, he probably assumes in both s1-2 they saved him out of obligation. And because of his abandonment issues,  he’s constantly feeling like a burden and always over-apologizing.  And since Will already feels like a burden, because of his dad, his PTSD,  and the upside-down incident he’s constantly apologizing .There was a reason Will didn’t tell Joyce what he saw in s1! He yells “I’m sorry “ and snuggles into his mom when he’s trying to explain the mindflayer to Hopper and Joyce. And Joyce says something indicative to his character (before anything supernatural occurs).

Joyce: “You feeling any better? Will?”

Will: “Huh? Yeah… Sorry.”

Joyce: “Hey… what’d we talk about, huh? You gotta stop it with the sorry’s.”

Will : “Yeah, sorry. I mean… yeah, I know.”

This illustrates that Joyce has already discussed the fact that Will over-apologizes . But Will still does it very often, even after these 2 separate discussions. 

I think in s3 we’ll see a cumulative reaction to how Will’s experiences have shaped him in a very sad and problematic way. Dustin starts hanging out with Steve, Lucas has a girlfriend, Jonathan will probably be too busy trying to financially support the family/dating Nancy, and to top it all off he then has a fight with Mike about not being “ kids anymore”. I think Mike will lash out, but Will will take the argument much harsher than he usually would (because all of his insecurities are piling up one after the other).So through Will’s perception, he just feels alone and like he’s being abandoned all over again, by the people who he thought would never do this to him.

2) Will’s destroys Castle Byers (Theory). I actually predicted here, that Will would destroy Castle Byers(right after his fight with Mike)- before the track list even came out. I thought this would be the case, because of Castle Byers symbolic importance. Which is why hopefully it’s Will,  not some other force that destroys it.

Will uses castle Byers as the one place he feels safe while in the upside down, or just on a daily basis. But it’s still a reminder of his deep-seeded abandonment issues. The day Will’s dad left , Jonathan and Will built Castle Byers all night in the pouring rain. Jonathan saying “we just had to finish it no matter what”. Will was the one who made-up Castle Byers in his imagination, and drew it, before Lonnie even left. He drew the sign “all friends welcome”, because with Lonnie around he never felt ‘welcome’ in his own home. So then when Will goes to Castle Byers in s3 at night in the pouring rain … he’s probably thinking that Mike (and his friends) are going to abandon him just like his dad did! 

Will wants time to stop, to regain the childhood he lost, but he can’t cry about it now -since he’s officially a teenager . And everyone else is moving on. He feels like he’s being abandoned in a “ teenage wasteland”

So I think Will may in a fit of rage destroy Castle Byers (probably using his fire powers). Similar to how El  had a psychic fit and accidentally destroyed all the windows in the cabin.

However unlike the El scene, it quickly turns into something empowering.We’d be sad. But this in itself would be Will at least trying to symbolically move on from his father’s influence, and trying to overcome his abandonment issues. Plus s3 is all about growing up- and if Will destroys the symbol of his childhood-abandonment-issues it would symbolically indicate his change in character as he accepts that he’s now a teenager . As well as how he’ll refuse to be a victim ever again (from his dad, the mindflayer, the bullies, etc)!

 Rain in itself can signify “purification of the soul”. I don’t think all of his issues will magically go away- but it’ll be the start of his journey of acceptance & self-love.

3) I want: El to find Will in the woods right after he destroys Castle Byers.

I’ve described in a previous post that based on the symbolism and iconography of the show why Will & El represent Yin and Yang , read more here. One of the many symbols of Yin and Yang is - Yin being representative of feminity/water & Yang being representative of masculinity/fire.

Will is always referenced with fire in both the comic and show . He drew his wizard character shooting fireballs in s1 and in the first ep he rolled the dice and yelled “fireball”, he had the ‘shadow monster ‘ exorcised out of him with fire, and in the comic he shoots a demogorgan and yells “fireball”. El’s element or ‘substance would be the opposite of fire, “water” - the sensory deprivation tanks are filled with water, the void floor is covered in water, she escaped the lab through a drainage pipe, looked at a reflection of herself in a puddle and cased ripples in it using her powers,  in s3 is shown sinking in water and falling out of a vanishing tub, etc.

Yin (water) and Yang (fire) have to  be “in perfect balance” (if one’s presence is stronger than the other)  “catastrophes will occur” and there will be an “imbalance between the cosmic and human realms”.  And throughout the 1st two seasons that’s exactly what happened! If El was shown prominantely then Will was gone or unconscious (or vice versa). There is a symbolic tear between the real world and upside down (because of this imbalance). And having them both be there - as a lit fire of castle byers burn, and rain pours would indicate -that their both starting to find balance. And that they’ll finally team up because of the supernatural threat.

Not to mention the last time Will was at his lowest and went to Castle Byers who found him and even read aloud his mantra/ sign of “all friends welcome”? Right, El!

 Not to mention in the very 1st episode, the boys went out in the rain to find Will, but found El instead (when she was also at her most scared and isolated). 

So it would be ! PURE POETIC CINEMA! DAMIT! They should do it! (El’s house is even in the woods, it all makes sense)! XD

4. I want : El lying for Will

Millie said about s3, that the biggest lie was that “friends don’t lie” ... “everybody lies”. El is still learning what it’s like to ‘be a person in the real world’ and understanding the complexity of familial, romantic, and platonic relationships. And although it’s admirable to never want to lie- it’s much more complicated in the real world. Will (who has very little control of his powers) will probably want to keep it a secret- afraid of how his friends perception of him will change if they knew. So El obliges and keeps Will’s secret- her first lie. 

5) I want: Will’s family dynamics evolving

I want to see the love Will has for his mother and brother (and vice versa). But I also want to see the growing pains involved with Will becoming a teenager, striving for independence, and dealing with the supernatural threat and his clear mental health issues. I want to see Joyce, Jonathan, and Will all grow as people- together. -Also Hopper & Will scenes

6) I want: Will to lash out and get angry

Will constantly fears abandonment and because of this he almost never lashes out- he mostly keeps everything bottled up inside. And regardless of whether it’s justified or not- he deserves to have an emotional outburst- where he SCREAMS about all of his frustrations.

7) I want El and Will talking about /experiencing their shared trauma & how they feel about El being the one who first opened the gate

I want to see happy moments for El and Will. But I also want to see El and Will in normal real-life scenarios/situations in s3. Making it more obvious the trauma of their abusive father figures still affects them deeply, and how their PTSD, quiet nature, powers, and the fact that they never had real-childhoods, causes them to feel more socially isolated and depressed than their peers. As they perceive themselves as nothing but burdens and “freaks” to their loved ones , since they’ll never feel “normal”. But they’ll learn to rely on each other.

-Plus how does Will feel about El opening the gate? El in s1 called herself a “monster” and when she couldn’t find Barb and Will, she felt so much guilt- she had to go to the bathroom to cry. Since then Will has had years of his life stolen, gotten Ptsd, possessed, burned alive, (technically) became a murderer, and was forever mutated (we’ll get to that last point later). So I’m just curious how they both feel about the whole ‘gate-situation’?

8) Byler scenes, and Will interacting more with all of his friends (and seeing the distinctions in all of those relationships and how Mike/Will’s dynamic differers from his other guy-friends, or even Will &Max’s friendship). And just having strong platonic relationships. And (not platonic) byler dynamics. I also want to see how he interacts with strangers/bullies in ‘normal’ situations.

9) Theory: I already explained here, that Will, will have a ‘dark phoenix’ moment at the mall releasing his very own mindflayer to protect his friends (right as the US government comes in to see everything).

10/11) Will and El are kidnapped by the government -theory here. However, El willing exposes her identity in order to go with Will and protect him - theory here.

*gifs/pics not mine

[sebthesnipe]

The Dreamer by Whatwashernameagain an Analysis? Chapter 2! Part 4

All portions:

Chapter 1: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Chapter 2: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

The Dreamer

@whatwashernameagain

As always, Spoilers under cut.

 Warning: Mentions of abuse, kinks... other stuff... Idk I’m too tired. 

Jumping right in where we left off. Eva writes about the Dreamer’s organization growing practically overnight and the amount of publicity he had to go through; she talks about interviews, photo shoots, calendars and merchandise. It pulls the attention back from the good vs. evil and the moral debate we discussed in the previous portion of this analysis and reminds us that while Logan and Roman are at opposite ends and fight for morality (whether misguided or not); the organization that was created for the Dreamer is not concerned with those things. No, they are they are there for profit and power; both of which is provided by the Dreamer. This is no doubt exactly what Roman’s father was hoping for when he mutilated and tortured his son into being the ‘symbol of hope’ that he is now.

Our attention is also brought back to the fact that despite his love for the spotlight, Roman is a man of action when it comes to protecting others. It is pointed out that Roman ‘found the publicity work hard to bear at first’ (Whatwashernameagain). After all the time he spent changing himself, putting himself though such agonizing pain, he is found, once again, waiting. The photos the interviews, they are excused by his team explaining that that was how you saved the world in such a media driven society…. Well…. Honestly this kind of pisses me off lol. Because, the reality of it is… That that is partially true. Granted, the cure for cancer isn’t going to be found through Facebook posts… But the publicity can cause enough financial support to fund the research that leads to its discovery.  Take Myllena Braz da Silva and Gabriel Martins, two Brazilian students who despite being a part of a less than booming town discovered a way to make new drugs that cost less money and time which could save millions of lives that are loss due to Zika (and they were High School students at the time!) but because they didn’t present this information in an attractive way or to enough people their work has pretty much been overlooked (“Abstract Search.”). It just goes to show you how much this world relies on the media and dramatizations.

I suppose the thing that upsets me the most is the line: “Chastised, Roman had deferred to their expertise” (Whatwashernameagain). This line is perfect here. After feeding Roman the lines about the necessity of social media despite Roman knowing at this core that he needed to act rather than make money for someone else, he reminds himself that these people know more than he does, that he is lessor than they in some way. It reminds the reader that despite his strength and his morals, Roman is still, at his core, an insecure child.

We are also once again, presented with the contrast between he and Logan. Roman mention Instagram and Twitter; places that are used to display yourself but are not very good means of communicating between him and his fans/supporters. While the Utilitarianist is mentioned using Discord and Tumblr; two social media platforms that are highly influenced by the people who contribute to them. Discord allows direct conversations between individuals and Tumblr allows for messaging, asks, etc. It is a subtle difference but one I quite enjoy.

Roman also mentions the was Logan’s groups ‘doing his dirty work, popped up all over the web like toxic mushrooms’ (Whatwashernameagain). Eva always has a way with metaphors. I think that Logan would have both good and bad things to say about this, however. Firstly, I think he would understand that Roman meant this as an insult. Secondly, he would probably not hesitated to point out to the incompetent man that there are some species of toxic mushrooms that theoretically produce billions of compounds through 1 molecular assembly line and can precisely target cells inside the human body and thusly can offer potential medicinal purposes which can lead to new medicines (“Do Poisonous Mushrooms Have a Pharmaceutical Purpose?”). Afterall many cyclic peptides are already known to be important drugs against things such as tuberculosis Staphylococcus, and even cancer (“Do Poisonous Mushrooms Have a Pharmaceutical Purpose?”). So, once again, Logan maybe viewed as bad (just as this toxic mushroom metaphor is) but he might be the medicine this world truly needs (at least… according to him).

“Tirelessly, he tried to remind the world of what mattered, using bold words to paint a bright and colorful picture of the future he truly believed in. A future of unity. They mustn’t lose sight of what mattered – standing together, fighting the hate the Utilitarianist spread with his extremism that called to simple solutions. To violence. Being kind was harder, almost impossibly hard, but Roman would not lose himself in hate, and he knew his fellow Americans wouldn’t either. Breaking the law and turning to murder would not save the planet, it would turn them into monsters” (Whatwashernameagain).

I would like to say that I only want to touch on this para briefly… but let’s be honest, I am rarely brief about anything. Most of what I am about to say is opinion. I have no facts or quotes to back me up on this; everything is simply my experience. Roman brings to light something I tell people all the time, though I am usually ignored. Actually, the question I get most often when people find out that I use to be Law Enforcement is generally ‘You seem to nice/kind to have been a cop’. I usually counter with a ‘you don’t know enough cops’… But when you really get down to it, I think there is a number of reasons people believe that; though I’m not going to get into the political ones. No, the one I want to focus on is hatred. I’ve seen a lot of it. I’ve seen what a person can do to another in the name of hatred. I’ve witnessed it firsthand… been on the receiving end of it…. Watched co-workers, friends, family… be eaten away by it. Here is the truth: hatred is a virus that lays dormant in us all. It is already a part of us, whether we know it or not. Once it is activated but whatever means… it grows and if we let it, it consumes us… If that hatred is seen by or directed towards another it is possible that the hatred that lies dormant inside them is activated…. From there it spreads… like an epidemic… Only epidemics have a cure… Hatred never goes away permanently. It is apart of us. If it is ‘cured’ the virus is still there, it is merely reverted back to its dormant stage… waiting for another chance to be activated.

I’ve watched it spread and spread… even when I was very little and I told myself that ‘that won’t be me’ but… hatred exists in all of us. So, what’s the ‘cure’ that will revert hatred back to its dormant state? Choice. Roman is right… Kindness is so much harder because it is not engrained in us… it is taught… whether by someone else or self-taught. Kindness is a choice. Happiness is a choice… I mentioned the effect of our thoughts on the outer world during Chapter 1. We choose out thoughts, we choose the effect we want to have, we choose kindness. Don’t the person who treated you poorly, pity them… What kind of sad life must they have lived to feel that it is acceptable to treat someone like they do… Or what kind of emotional baggage do they carry that makes them crave the feeling of hatred over numbness… Pity them… They’ve obvious lived a horrible life. Reach out a hand… Who knows… Maybe you’ll save a life rather than ruining on. You don’t have to forgive them… Some times you can’t… but you can be kind without forgiveness.

This of course, is all more difficult than it sounds and it took me years to manage it but it is true and possible. Hatred can be combatted with kindness. Forgiveness comes in time. Help those that hate you; they are misguided. In the end, hatred harms yourself more than others.

Okay… I think I might need to move on…. Ready for some whiplash?

“Even as Roman got to shake the hand of the president, he felt he was not doing enough. He should be out there, fighting harder.

Even after chasing him for almost a year now, Roman felt those things as strongly as ever. He was right, gosh darn it! How could this irritating man not see the merit of a peaceful solution? Who didn’t want peace?!” (Whatwashernameagain)

Poor poor Roman. I love him so much. The poor baby is obviously still having trouble with patience… or rather not-acting. The first line is a reminder that Roman is never enough for himself. He always has to be better, has to do better. I… can understand that. Perhaps if he ever considers himself enough for his father than he might consider himself enough for himself… but he never will be, will he? Enough for his father I mean…

But that revolution I mentioned at the beginning of Chapter 2 analysis is starting to rear its beautiful head. We see Roman starting to get more antsy than ever. Despite the reminder that he considers his team ‘wiser’ when it comes to these things, it is obvious that those thoughts are starting to wear thin. We see Roman’s exasperation grow with the frustrated tones of the last few sentences.

Though his frustration isn’t just directed towards himself and his team but towards the Utilitarianist as well. Roman has proven (as I covered in the last section of the analysis) that he believes all people are inherently good. So, you can imagine his frustration at the fact that his actions towards Logan lead nowhere. The catch is, we know Logan is good at heart and that Roman is as well; they just don’t know that about the other… Though I think Logan has an inkling.

Finally, we see Roman go against orders to keep his mouth shut and the hero confronts his villain for the first time. The setting could no be more perfect, Eva always does have quite the way of picking the perfect atmosphere for these kinds of things. “The wind created by the rotor blades of the approaching helicopter whipping at their clothes on the roof-top almost carried away his words” (Whatwashernameagain). Chaos is created in the scene by the helicopter making it hard to hear each other. Its really fantastic symbolism for their current state in their relationship and perhaps in themselves as well.

Roman is born from chaos. His misguided aspiration for his father’s love. The work that defines him being nothing more than a payload for said father. His fight to follow his team while ignoring the growing need to physically act. The good he wants to do by basically doing things that might not be what we would consider good or for good (mostly because its pretty much all for profit, not that Roman knows that).

Logan may not be born from chaos but he /is/ chaos. Logan is a great example of doing bad things for good reasons… Which in and of itself is fairly chaotic. Not to mention with every act he sends the world through another wave of chaos as well. His entire goal is to turn the economic world on its head in the first place… talk about chaos.

I love that the first line Roman ever speaks to the villain is “Why must you be so impossible?” (Whatwashernameagain). Fairly simplistic words, not much to be impressed about? I would disagree. The words are spoken with such informality that it is almost as if they knew each other, and in a way, I suppose that they. They’ve been meeting for over a year; fighting for over a year.  They may not have spoken but they knew each other enough by now… at least that is what it felt like. No doubt when your world revolves around someone else, whether good or bad you feel like you know then. Logan is probably the only person in the world that knew Roman or that Roman felt like he knew even if they hadn’t spoken. Logan, at this point, is the closest thing to a friend that Roman has.

In the same paragraph we also see Roman’s sass returning, lightening our lives once more as he claims that Logan would be the cause of his death; that “He’d kill him with exasperation” (Whatwashernameagain). The way Roman almost curses but catches himself is also so wholesome. A gentleman would never lower himself to such language, of course.

And Logan, usually so cool and collected is pulled into Roman’s frustration. We see Logan’s struggle to keep himself in check and yet he indulges in himself, in such a human reaction. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’d like to point it out once more; Roman is a symbol of Logan’s humanity. Logan does his best not to feel regular emotions, he prefers to think of himself as a computer rather than human; the only time we really see Logan’s composure break is when he is facing Roman. Roman brings out these emotions in him; brings out the human part of him. We see that again here when Logan is unable to keep from replying.

“You cannot be serious. How dare you refer to me as impossible, you simple fool?” (Whatwashernameagian)

Once again, the words are simplistic and familiar, though they are spoken by Logan this time. The familiarity is there just as it is with Roman, despite the fact that he is insulting him. Once again it is possible (probable actually) that Roman is the closest thing Logan has to a friend. He does, after all build an AI to keep him company (along with doing his calculations).

We also see Roman try and be Logan’s conscious as well, which might be needed; after all computers don’t have a conscious; lecturing him about kidnapping and setting things on fire and worst of all ‘drowning [Roman] in frying fat!’… Though I don’t think there would be very many people upset about seeing Roman all oiled up… I know I wouldn’t. The reader’s attention is pulled back to Roman’s team members as Eva mentions the ‘ever-polite voice in his earpiece’ that was trying to get him under control; once again showing the difference between the team and Roman, himself.

The two men continue to argue bringing up a few valid points. Logan points out Roman’s ‘selfish’ thinking, which though we know, as the reader, isn’t exactly accurate it is understandable to believe that that is where Roman is coming from. He also points out that Roman is nothing by a monkey for the press and won’t be the one to bring about the revolution the world needs. Logan’s POV is accurate: Roman is acting as a monkey for his team and that on his present course there will be no revolution if he continues to follow them… Foreshadowing anyone?

““You- you unbelievable, impossible, infuriating villain – how could you dare to- I am attempting to save the world! You are trying to destroy it!” He’d howled, flailing uselessly with frustrated energy.

His righteous claim seemed to rile up the terrorist even more. Taking a few steps towards him over the cement that was starting to heat with the flames beneath them, he jabbed his finger at him” (Whatwashernameagain).

First off, I find it absolutely adorable that Roman is stuttering with his insults. I’m sure his opinion of Logan being unbelievable, impossible, and infuriating will never change. In fact, I would bet on it. They already sound like a married couple. I love them so much!

Looking beyond that, I really love the imagery here. This interaction is going to be the foundation of their companionship (if there will be a companionship which I am certain there will be); like the cement that Logan is crossing. In fact, the imagery of the cement heating with the flames beneath them can be a nod to a number of things. First it could represent the world around them burning and neither of them able to pay attention to anything but the other (which I am just ruined for); or it could be the heat of their passion for good, both extremely intense, both dangerous, both destructive in their own way (Logan physically and Roman’s political/economically).

Their argument continues, each calling the other stupid. We see Roman’s view on good vs. evil once more (which I’ve already covered; not to say it repeated… no the inflection on it is simply to remind us that Roman is a three-dimensional character who cares deeply about the subject). We see Logan losing himself to the humanity Roman brings out in him. We also see (which is my favorite part of the argument) Logan’s accusation about ‘selling topless calendars’ and the ‘heeled boots’. Why is this important? Well, Logan is a busy man he wouldn’t pay too close attention to what Roman’s next public exploit would be… Yet he knows about the topless calendars? I would put my money on the idea that he examined them… ‘for research purposes’ of course. As for the heeled boots well… We already know Remy’s opinion of dat ass… Heels only improve it 😉.

“The villain’s rant was interrupted as a sneaker hit his head from above. His supporters were exasperatedly waving at him to climb into the helicopter they had been screaming over before the police managed to arrest them, just as Roman’s operator had frantically urged him to free his leg and catch the man standing mere feet from him” (Whatwashernameagain).

Once again, we see the stark contrast between the hero and villain here; or rather… the similarity. Logan’s followers are urging him to leave the hero and move on, as he should have done in the first place. Eva compares then to the person on the other end of Roman’s ear piece. Both of them are a sense of reality that these men should be focused on rather than one another and yet neither seems to be able to pull themselves away from the other without an outside influence. They are both utterly hopeless and I love them.

Also #savetheworldtopless and #justpathologicallyevil should totally be a thing! Only #savetheworldtopless should be pictures of all different shapes and sizes of people in superhero poses either topless or like sportsbras/binders etc. basically how they seem themselves or how they want themselves to be; and #justpathologicallyevil should be full of adorable pictures of like cats and things doing mischievous things… I love these!!!

As for Roman’s operator quitting… good riddance. If that’s all it took, then he def wasn’t cut out for that job. Besides, not letting my baby speak is a sin against all mankind.

I’m so excited for the next para!

“Roman felt guilty for getting into an argument and behaving unprofessionally, but somehow, he felt like it had also gotten him closer to understanding the other man. He wasn’t a faceless monster but a person one could talk to – if a truly irritating and rude one – and people could be changed. Roman was good at convincing others of his position. His bright, attractive smile, warm and sweet manners and his polite reasoning had brought plenty of people around. Despite the continued threat of an escalation between the Utilitarianist’s supporters and his opposition, most people still liked Roman” (Whatwashernameagain).  

This chapter has spent a lot of time ‘villainizing’ Logan (with good reason) the point of view of the Dream and its team is meant to paint Logan in that light; and thus far Eva has done so very effectively. Here, however, we see Roman reconsidering these points. For the first time Roman is looking past the mask and at the man behind it. It is not that he does not see Logan as a villain but rather he sees him as a human as well. That’s Roman for you though, caring about every human even the ones he considers bad or ‘evil’. I suppose this is a first for Logan as well. People don’t tend to look beyond the Utilitarianist to see the man underneath… they’re not suppose to either but here Roman sits seeing a man that can be swayed, a man that struggles with the good and the bad as we all do. Once again, we see Roman focusing on the individual once more.

“He brought the idea up at a team meeting, believing he’d finally found a way to work more effectively. However, he was turned down gently. They gave him to understand that he had misjudges the villain and that his attempts to negotiate with terrorists could have disastrous consequences. Chastised and feeling like a child make a dumb suggestion at the dinner table, he gave up. Still, despite his best intentions, he wound up arguing with the other again and again” (Whatwashernameagain).

Once again, we see how Roman’s team mistreats him; though they do so, subtly. We see Roman’s attempt at a solution that actually has some merit and may work and yet he is treated like the child they see him as and cast aside as if he didn’t have any weight on the matter. His intelligence is constantly insulted (though not obviously enough for him to feel offended). His goals do not align with that of the teams and therefore are inconsequential. However, Eva points out that the unlike how it was before (Roman making a suggestion, the team shooting him down and he dropping it) the arguments seemed to continue… perhaps this is because Roman is getting more confident? Pushing his boundaries? Leading himself to revolution?

“Their rivalry came to a crescendo when one of their fights once again distracted both of them. He had no idea why this man managed to make his blood boil this much with his talk about superior logic and necessity. Necessity his ass. (Roman would of course never say such a thing out loud, but still.)” (Whatwashernameagain)

This says a lot about Roman. His attention on Logan is continuously growing. He is paying more and more attention to the man as a person and not just as a villain. I mentioned before that Roman probably sees the similarities between Logan and his father but there are a few things he addresses with Logan that he would never say/do with his father. Here is perhaps the only man he is able to interact with (though perhaps not under the best circumstances) that is not pushing his own agenda on the man or putting him down. Someone he can actually argue with without being chastised by the other for the act. He is treated as an equal even if they are name calling one another and that is a big step for the hero; most of the people he deals with always treats him as if he is some child that needs to be seen not heard but Logan… Logan will indulge his passions, argue his points, allow him to be the passionate man he is. To Roman, Logan is an outlet for his passions and allows him to express himself as he truly is, not as his teams wants to be. It is no doubt a refreshing change.

During one of their arguments a pipe bursts over Logan’s head and without pause or consideration Roman rushes to save him, injuring himself fairly badly in the process; to the point that he needed immediate medical attention. Of course, he could heal very quickly but Logan doesn’t know this. I bring this up for two reasons.

Firstly, imagine what this means for Roman. Roman is driven by passion. He cares deeply for every living soul and he views Logan as a misguided person whose heart can be changed. So, when that person’s life is on the line he doesn’t think twice before jumping in the way to save him. This of course is going to cause a lot of issues with his team and perhaps the public but to him a life is a life and Logan’s is perhaps the closest person to him at the moment.

Logan on the other hand doesn’t really consider the individual life too important. It isn’t to say that he doesn’t care for each life in and of itself but if a single life lost would save countless then he wouldn’t hesitate to pull that trigger. To him, it is only logical. He knows that he has endangered and killed a number of people and it would be logical for Roman to allow him to die to advance his own agenda. So, when Roman saves him it no doubt takes a few minutes to process it all. No doubt he had to recalculate all of their interactions. Up until this point he had viewed Roman as nothing but a puppet for political/economic gain and yet… he had saved Logan… For no other reason than to save a life… He perhaps sees Roman’s truly pure intentions for the first time (no doubt cementing his opinion that the guy is an idiot). Logan in return drags Roman from the building and delivers him to an ambulance and we get to see the wonderful gift that is protective Logan… One of my favorite flavors!

Of course, our progress must have some repercussions; which means right on cue Roman’s father appears. Two years has past since Roman became the Dreamer and we’ve barely heard mention of the man. He tends to show up only when Roman does something wrong or if it is advantageous to him; which only cements the image that he’s a no-good money sucker that Roman is better off without.  In fact, apparently Roman hasn’t seen the guy in months, which brings out the hero’s denial: “Roman understood he was doing important work, though. It was alright. . Sadly, his father had not been as pleased as he had so desperately hoped.” (Whatwashernameagain).

Denial and rationalization all over again, though I’m going to avoid the Freudian jargon as best I can because this section is already going to be so very long. Eva always has a way of pulling at the reader’s heartstrings with such simplicity and it is truly beautiful. With her last line, mentioning Roman’s desperate hope, my heart breaks. He still wants his father’s approval so badly that it hurts him. He truly is a child at heart when it comes to his father… The poor baby.

The conversation that ensues reminds the reader of the trauma that Roman has gone through to be the man that he is… To be what he thought his father wanted him to be… What the world wants him to be. We see his father’s anger as he demands an explanation and Roman’s immediate instinct to draw his knees close to his chest, curling up on himself as if to protect him from his father’s wrath or the emotions he brings out of the young man. Now it is possible that Roman’s father never laid a hand on him (honestly, I would be surprised if he had. That would mean he actually cared enough to beat the boy and I doubt he ‘wasted his time’ with that.) and this is just an instinctive reaction most people have when faced with emotional distressing situation. Though there is no proof of physical abuse we are already aware of the emotional abuse the man has put his son through, which can be just as bad.

We also see Roman hiding his pain ‘like he’d learned.’ Learned where? Learned during the countless horrific experiments and alterations he endured to become what he thought his father wanted him to be; just to find out his father still viewed him as practically worthless? Or was it before hand? Before all this? Either way when Logan finds out that the sorry POS of a ‘father’ treated Roman so horribly… I hope he gets what is coming to him (though I realize Roman will probably keep that from happening)!

“The rebuke hurt sharply. Swallowing, Roman tried to explain his reasoning he’d never thought he’d have to defend. The place was filled with people who were supposed to support him, yet he felt entirely alone” (Whatwashernameagain).

Roman’s father chastises him for letting Logan live and I think that Roman’s illusion of who is father is may be starting to crack a bit. At Roman’s core ever SINGLE life counts; it is one of the many reasons he became the Dreamer in the first place. But his father doesn’t give a damn about anyone else’s life but his own. As long as he’s making money that all he cares about. We also see Roman finally beginning to realize that despite the fact that he is surrounded by people that he has known for two years now, who are supposed to support him… he /is/ entirely alone.

“This would have been the perfect opportunity. You need to decide if you have what it takes or if you weren’t the right choice after all. Next time this chance presents itself, you let this god damn terrorist die instead of spreading his filth from a luxury prison.” His father had barked at him before leaving him alone to fear losing everything he’d bled for. Everything he’d become. Without the Dreamer, he had no idea who he was” (Whatwashernameagain).

The contrast between these two are as apparent as ever, here. His father is lecturing him to do exactly what Roman is whole heartedly against. He wants Roman to let someone die. He wants Roman to ignore the very core of his being… he wants him to be something Roman can never be and equivalently kill someone. The thing is, if Roman straight out refuses his father everything he has worked for, everything he fights for daily would be stripped from him. The fear of losing something you have worked so hard for is devastating. But it’s a bit more than that for Roman. He has changed everything about his life for this. His physical appearance, the way he lives, everything… I don’t think he realizes this because he would never think something so dark about his father but… If the Dreamer persona is stripped from him Roman would not get to roam free… His father has put in far too much work to create him, he knows to much, he is too much of a liability. No, Roman would either be locked up or killed if the Dreamer was ever taken away from him.

But that also begs the question, can the Dreamer be taken away from him? The Dreamer is a concept, an ideal of what Roman wished to be. Sure, they can pull him from the spot light, take away his team, hide him from the world but as long as Roman’s beliefs are the same and he has the will to keep going then the Dreamer is eternal. The problem is that Roman still lacks the self confidence to realize this. He believes that he is nothing but an over glorified child without his team. Once he realizes this is not the case… Well… Viva La Revolution!

We do see the beginning of these thoughts in the next para however. Roman is starting to question his team and his father. “Was this really what the Dreamer was? He’d tried too hard to keep the peace and catch the Utilitarianist when there were other things he could be doing. They’d told him to leave the crime fighting to the police. His image was the most powerful thing about him” (Whatwashernameagain). He is questioning everything which is good… Well, good in the long run; honestly for him, its no doubt terrifying.

But consider the fact that the one person that ignited the flame that pushed him to ask such question is the very person he is supposed to be rivaled with, the person he is supposed to allow to die. Logan. Roman is many things to the villain: his hope, his humanity, his source of emotion and irritation, his light. But Logan are certain things to the hero as well: his hope, his reality, his sense of questioning, his window into the social world… His proof that everything is no as black and white as he once believed, his chance at a relationship that isn’t riddled with abuse and deception. The irony behind this should not be overlooked. It is so beautiful.

Roman goes on to compare himself to Superman and Wonderwoman which I just adore! That is so very Roman! He points out that Superman couldn’t concern himself with petty thieves but Wonderwoman most certainly would. I love this for a number of reasons. Firstly, we already knew that Roman read comic books, but this really pulls the image of baby Roman sitting under the covers late at night with a flash light pouring over the pages of every type of comic (well at least DC comics). Secondly, despite the fact that Roman good up with such a heavy emphasis on society’s view of masculinity shoved down his throat one of the greatest heroes in his mind is Wonderwoman! I love it! I love it! I love it! The comicbook version of Wonderwoman is a fantastic role model for anyone! Much better than Superman in my opinion! I mean the writers themselves are fantastic! There is actually an entire scene in which Diane is seen nude during an issue and the writers never exploit this. Context: Diane sleeps in the nude. Someone wakes her and they talk while she takes her time dressing. That is it. It is not drawn in a way that sexualizes her or implies anything of the sort. It is simply written/drawn as nothing more than a person dressing and I really appreciate that… though I suppose I am getting off track.

We can also view the difference between implications of comparing himself between Superman and Wonderwoman and the Masculine and Feminine views both represent. Superman is no doubt the way his father would prefer him to aspire to be. Superman is perhaps the most masculine image one could manage to conjure. He is strong, indestructible, not concerned with trivial issues, uses his strength and power to win and always gets the girl. The image of a man. Wonderwoman however, is a bit different. She is strong and practically indestructible sure, but she goes about using her abilities a different way. Instead of fighting all the time or causing more destruction she tends to outsmart her opponents when she can and shows care and compassion to all creatures. Superman focuses on strength and durability; Wonderwoman focuses on skill, training, knowledge. She is not concerned with romance or power; she just wants good for the world; just as Roman does.

We also begin to see Roman work out some of the things we have mentioned, on his own. He begins to question why Logan would save him? Perhaps he questions if the man’s intentions may be better than he had originally given him credit for. He can’t seem to shake his concerns with his own work. The concerns lead him to question his team more and more:

“His doubts wouldn’t leave him alone until eventually, he chose to do what he was most afraid of. He went against the advice of his team.

He’d been sitting around for months, while the Utilitarianist had been busy attacking the Hong-Kong Stock market. Roman quietly wondered why he was never dispatched to other countries to help. His nemesis had stopped limiting himself to the States long ago” (Whatwashernameagain).

It is obvious that there are a few reasons why Roman’s team keeps him in America. Perhaps the most prominent reason is the fact that the people who control Roman are in America and make most of their money from his exploits there. There is no reason to help those over seas if there is no profit for it. Yet, Logan is not bound by these rules. Logan is attempting to save the world and to Roman his goal is to take down Logan. So, once again we see just how much Roman’s team is holding him back and the excuses they use to hide their real intentions (‘Perhaps his team was worried he’d upset someone by remarking that the conditions of those workers truly were less than glittery’ (Whatwashernameagain).).

A situation in Mexico is brought to our attention, Eva does a fantastic job (as usual) to describe the severity of the scene and a new character is introduced: Virgil!!! We see right away that Virgil is a little different than the rest of the team. As Roman’s new operator we he hacks into the bank’s database and gets Roman a floorplan (no doubt against the advisement of the rest of the team). This already sets him apart from the others. For the first time since Roman became the Dreamer we see someone finally working /with/ him rather than discarding his intentions and thoughts. Finally, we have someone to help our wonderful and beautiful boy! The best part is that might be the boost Roman needed! “This was the right thing to do, he felt it. He had to breathe new life into the idea of the Dreamer. He had to be a proper hero again” (Whatwashernameagain).

Of course, when he pitches the idea to his team he is immediately shot down, discarded like the child they saw him as. Only this time, things were handled a bit differently: “Instead of the usual, fatherly patience and kind amusement at his misplaced enthusiasm, he was told off curtly. Without results, Roman was losing their favor” (Whatwashernameagain). Roman has been acting more and more independently which implied that they were losing control of him as an asset and that no doubt caused some tension between his team and their higher ups which was no doubt taken out on Roman.

“Feeling unsteady, he shuffled onto the cold light of the corridor of their underground base. Despite his terror of losing the place he called home, the reporting about the children held hostage would not stop replaying in his head. He’d been told watching the news would only upset him and he should rather rely on the updates they cut together for him, but he was starting to think he would only have found out about the situation far too late when irritated reporters would have asked him where he was when the children were shot. He couldn’t let it come to that!” (Whatwashernameagain).

This para gives me life! This is a dawning of a new age! A new Dreamer! A new Roman! We start out with him defeated (not surprisingly); fearful on his thoughts because you know he’s thinking of going to Mexico anyways and that could cause him to lose his home. The catch is, this has never been his home; it has been the place he has been used and discarded but it is the only ‘home’ he’s ever really known. Sure, before he became the Dreamer he had a different ‘home’ but it is all the same thing. He was ignored unless useful there just as he is here. Still, if its all you’ve ever known, losing it would be terrifying…. Being alone in the world, with nothing to your name… it’s a horrible reality.

Still, he obviously is not letting this go. The news of the children being held hostage is something Roman can’t forget. This is not surprising at all. Roman is a sheltered person. He is not use to seeing such things on the news. In fact, the next sentence reminds us that the only information that he is aware of tends to be the information fed to him; to help control him. It is horrible. But it also causes him to be more sensitive to these kinds of things. I can’t remember if I brought this up before so I will do so again here. The majority of us that open ourselves up to television or social media become desensitized to it all.

For instance, the average 18-year old observes approximately 6,000 acts of violence on television and in movies in one year (Browne and Hamilton-Giachritsis 2005; Center for Research Excellence 2009). Desensitization has been studied primarily as a consequence of exposure to violent video games (e.g., Anderson et al. 2010; Carnagey et al. 2007), so less is known about desensitization to violence encountered in real life or on television and in movies. Despite the many commonalities between real-life and media violence and their effects on adjustment, these two types of exposure to violence rarely have been studied together. It has also been proven that the more desensitized to violence that we become the more violent we become in turn.

Of course, this is just a information about desensitization in regards to violence which includes things like the bank robbery, children being held hostage etc. Consider this: How many times have you scrolled through facebook or some other social media platform and saw a post about a missing person or a shooting or something similar? And how many times have you ignored it and continued to scroll? The truth is, the more you see it the more you ignore it. But what then? Well, then we’ve become part of the problem, haven’t we? By not helping we become the ignorance that is wrong with the world. So, next time you see one of those post… share, reblog… who knows maybe you’ll be that one person to get the word just far enough for them to be found/saved. Don’t let your desensitization get the better of you.

But once again I’m getting off track. My point was, for someone who is not expose to as much violence or horrific deeds as the typical American, something that we consider small (like a bank hold up) can be traumatizing; and poor sweet Roman has been sheltered from these things for some time. Sure, he has seen some really bad stuff but its all what they want him to see… all being fed to him… this… this is different.

Desensitization aside, this para is the stepping stone into Roman’s rebellion! We see him question his team, perhaps not for the first time but close to it: “he was starting to think he would only have found out about the situation far too late when irritated reporters would have asked him where he was when the children were shot” (Whatwashernameagain). Then we see him immediately rebuke them (at least mentally): “He couldn’t let it come to that!” (Whatwashernameagain). Roman is finally growing into his own. He is finally beginning to that that step and begin thinking for himself! This is character development!

Now, enter Virgil Stage Left! Virgil appears just when Roman needs a good kick in the but to get him moving, much like Remy did when Logan needed it as well. It is a good reminder that even when we are struggling whether with the outside world or with ourselves there come a point in time where we could do with a bit of companionship. Humans, after all, are social creatures.

The great thing about his appearance is that with his sense of sarcastic remarks Roman is immediately defensive, preparing to defend his ‘honor’ but we wee him pause as he notices Virgil’s disappointed posture. This is another small contrast between Roman and Logan that I love. Though we don’t actually see Logan reading people’s body language I get the feeling he would be very bad at it. He doesn’t exactly surround himself in situations in which it is required. Roman however, no doubt is trained to read other’s body languages. Yes, I mean formally trained though his emotional abuse has no doubt conditioned him to study it as well. A person who is used to being degraded or yelled out over analyzes every twitch, every smile, every shift of the eyes. Every movement is considered a countdown to the next time they will be abused, it is truly an anxious existence. This of course is just scratching the surface of the trauma Roman has been through but it is brought up in such a subtly beautiful way that really gives testament to Eva’s skill, as always.

The slump in Virgil’s shoulders no doubt screams at Roman just as most postures do. He is not a stranger to disappointment especially from his team. This time though he realizes its different. Virgil isn’t necessarily disappointed in what Roman has done but what he hasn’t done; which is quite heartwarming. Virgil is upset because Roman is not following through with his plan despite his team’s refusal. He /wants/ Roman to be who he is… Which may be the first time Roman has ever experienced such support. The first time someone has shown true untainted support for /him/ not what/who he is supposed to be for them. There comes a time during the cusp of every revolution that a straw breaks a back… A shot is fired…. War breaks out… Perhaps, Roman has finally found his straw in Virgil? Perhaps all he ever needed to begin his revolution was the support of a single person to be who he was.

““No. I’m not backing off. I’m taking a running start.” He’d promised, before striding down the corridor and grabbing a startled Virgil’s wrist on the way. He still needed that one.” (Whatwashernameagain). It seems like a beautiful partnership has begun. I have a feeling this dynamic duo is going to cause a lot of trouble for more than just Logan.

Eva also uses a comparison of Roman sneaking out of the facility to breaking out of prison; which I feel is a very good analogy. The facility is in fact a prison for Roman. He is not a free man in any sense of the word. Even his personality is held captive behind those walls. I also mentioned earlier that Roman’s father would never allow Roman to be free. Roman is too much of a liability. He knows to much. This is one of the many reasons why he is to be locked away until it is time for his media appearances. He is sheltered from the real world just like any prisoner, only allowed certain activities that limit his interaction with the public. He is monitored constantly. It is very fitting.

“The armed robbers were no match for the quiet, cat-like stride of the trained hero. He caught one after the other, knocking them out with ease. This was far simpler than fighting a man like the Utilitarianist” (Whatwashernameagain).

‘Cat-like’? You mean like a certain villain that purr-fers to wear the mask of a feline? Speaking of which, it seems that Roman can’t get the man off his mind even when he’s in the middle of another dangerous mission… and does that almost sound like… admiration?

The next scene shows Roman being as heroic as ever as he carries out a pregnant woman and other out of the building and I have to say Roman+children=my heart exploding. Its just so pure and wonderful and the way she just tugs at his costume just makes me weak.

“Roman barely managed to calm them. He hadn’t been greeted with such honest joy in so long, he was utterly baffled by their adoration. When he finally managed to speak, his voice was thick with emotion.

“Fellow citizens of the world, I have realized that the time for borders is behind us! In these frightening times we must understand that our differences are mere illusions, stand together and give each other hope. Our love and belief in each other shall prevail over evil!”” (Whatwashernameagain).

Roman just made a seriously hard move. Roman is faced with real genuine joy and appreciation; something he probably has never experienced. His team probably pulls him away from situation where he would get the chance to; of course, they would to simply avoid him saying something that wasn’t scripted. This is probably the moment that he realizes that though his team treats his opinions and intentions as bothersome the public sees them as he does: a chance to change the world.

We also get to see Roman take that final step over the edge of the cliff that he has been teetering on for some time now. We see him finally choose to step out into the nothingness where he expects to plummet to his doom; everything that he has worked for stripped away from him. But as he speaks to the world, as he watches their reaction, we don’t see him fall; we see him fly! And because of this, and the elated reaction of his new partner-in-crime we see him swell with pride.

“Finally, he was what he was supposed to be.” (Whatwashernameagain).

This line… This beautiful stunning line says everything that we knew but it also says more. It says that Roman has shed his father and team’s control on him. He has cast aside the image they are painting of him and breaking out into his own. Shots have been fired and there will no doubt be a fallout but for now… It is official, the revolution has begun!!!

“The atmosphere in the underground compound changed. Roman felt the shift, the tension around himself clearly and suffered it with disappointment. It was like being home again. A child whose childishness was barely tolerated. Quiet and shy and feeling unwanted” (Whatwashernameagain).

This reinforces the image Eva has been painting of Roman’s childhood. He compares the new temperament of the compound to his childhood home and the abuse he experienced there. It is the same disappointment, worthless undesirable feeling that his father had caused him to feel for so long. This no doubt would cause the man to be triggered. The only question that remains is, is he strong enough to move past it?

“Despite the repeated attempts to impress the importance of following his team’s directions, he planned and executed more mission with Virgil. He was his one saving grace. Since he was actually starting to make a difference, the two men felt more at ease with each other. Though they were mostly bickering with each other, Roman had found someone to rely on. His fluttering nerves around the moody man calmed, allowing him to fall back on the safety of the Dreamer’s personality less and less. They were a team of two now, instead of the pride of the Conglomerate. It was alright. He was one more person than Roman used to have” (Whatwashernameagain).

Roman is making leaps and bounds in his warpath (I use warpath as a metaphor, this is a revolution afterall). He has taught himself that a single man’s genuine acceptance and affection (not to mention affirmation) is far more valuable than the faux appreciation of a crowd of individuals and this is partially due to Virgil’s support. Now, the two of them argue and fuss but let’s face it between Virgil and Logan this is the only form of true affection Roman has ever experienced. It is only logical that Roman now associates the bickering and affection. The coldness his father shows him, the lack of attention at all has been pounded into him over the years making something as simple as the attention enough to argue with him far more heartwarming than it should be. In fact, the arguments and the moodiness of Virgil seems to calm Roman as he interprets it to be a platonic sense of caring that comes with the smaller man. This will no doubt reinforce his attraction to Logan later as well.

Logan was once considered cold just as Roman’s father, perhaps reminding the hero of the man he aspired to be loved by which no doubt drew him in in the first place. Yet, as they grew closer and Logan began to show the attention Roman longed for, though their arguments and even care when Logan returned the favor of saving his life. With Roman’s interpretations as they are now it is no wonder that he would turn to the man that has shown him more affection than anyone else in the world when he is finally broken and bruised.

Over the next few paragraphs we see Roman surprisingly taking the bait that the Utilitarianist had laid out for the world, working unintentionally, with Logan. We also see his team step up just about the time they are able to profit from it (surprise, surprise). Of course, poor innocent Roman misinterprets this as support, but it is not necessarily a bad thing; at least not yet.

Naturally, as soon as the team steps back in Roman reverts to his old habits; becoming discouraged, calling himself an idiot and generally being self-deprecating. He then resolves to listen to his team more carefully and follow their advice once more. Honestly though, I love the contrast between the team and Virgil. They are like two sides of Roman’s subconscious…. Almost like those angels and devils that pop up on each shoulder in the cartoons. On one hand, Roman’s team pulls him back to his father where his self-conscious and cautious. While, on the other hand, Virgil pulls him towards the light where he is proud and triumphant, confident and bright. The issue is, if he continues to stand in the middle being pulled in two different directions, he may be ripped in two… and if that happens it is possible, he wont be able to be put back together again.

Also: “Roman had sworn to himself to help him feel more accepted in the team. He’d never wanted anyone to feel as isolated as he had most of his life” (Whatwashernameagain). It is possible that Roman is so adamant about Virgil feeling accepted by the team because he knows exactly how it feels to be isolated and alone. He knows how it feels to be cast aside and be considered worthless or idiotic. He knows how horrible it can make you feel, and he wants to make sure that no one feels that way especially someone he cares so deeply for like Virgil.

The next para moves on to talk about the Utilitarianist and the LGBTQ+ community and honestly the imagery is lovely! Of course, Logan would be an icon for the gay community. The Utilitarianist is known for his radical beliefs that stir huge movements around the globe. It wasn’t that long again that the simple act of two men kiss was considered just that: radical. I won’t pretend to know a lot about the social movement; I don’t. I may be LGBTQ+ but I was never a big part of the community until recently. I grew up in small towns. I didn’t even meet someone like myself until high school… So, I’m still a bit lacking in a lot of information that could be gained through that social outlet (I’m serious, a friend of me had to explain a lot of terminology when I first moved into the city… I may not have had physical flash cards like Logan’s but I def had mental ones). Still, I know enough about Gender Studies in literature to help support my argument here.

So, for those of you that don’t know what Gender Studies is; it is a literary theory that is devoted to analyzing gender identity and representation (including but not limited to women, feminism, gender, politics, men’s studies, and queer studies; often combined with the study of sexuality (“Gender Studies”). Why do I consider Gender Studies as ‘radical’? Consider this: Doctoral programs for women’s studies has existed since 1990 (Joschik, Scott). The Women’s Rights movement earned them the right to vote in 1920 and they were considered radical and despite their achievements studying literature that was written by women or had strong independent female characters was not considered an acceptable enough form of study to take a doctoral program (not even a degree) in until 1990! That is radical! What is worse, is the first doctoral program for a ‘potential’ PhD in Gender Studies in the U.S. wasn’t approved until 2005 (Joschik, Scott)! And it wasn’t until 2015 that Kabul University in Afghanistan (Afghanistan!!! Not the U.S. which is full of idiotic bigotry!) was the first to offer a master’s degree course in gender and women’s studies (FaithWorld)! It almost makes me ashamed to live here. In a world where two women pushing a baby stroller in the background of a Disney movie is cause for outrage, I’d say the LGBTQ+ community is ‘radical’… at least in the eyes of America. So, it is no wonder that the Utilitarianist is an icon for them especially after his rescue.

(Sorry for the rant)

Moving on!

“Because Roman had saved him and because he’d now acted on his behalf, following his direct call for action, a lot of people had started imagining them to be more than they were. They were publicly ‘shipping’ them.

Roman had been beyond horrified and humiliated as his sympathetic team had put together a dossier of the things people on the internet thought he’d do” (Whatwashernameagain).

Okay, there are so many things wrong with this. Not Eva’s writing of course, she is always so talented! No, everything that I consider ‘wrong’ is meant to be so.

Firstly, though there are plenty of people that will disagree with me and I respect that, shipping (even if its real people) is fine: Forcing your ship or view point on another or insulting their tastes or hating on them for it etc etc. Is very very wrong and I try not to judge but I’m pretty judgy about this. Hate asks/messages/notes/WHATEVER is horrible and though you may not be a horrible person if you do these things, you’re pretty darn close in my opinion. Everyone has their tastes: Some people like apples, some people don’t. If we were all the same we would never advance as a species.

I am not claiming Eva is hating on anyone. How could she be? She is legit writing about her own subject matter lol I really like the irony of it actually… Its almost like breaking the fourth wall without breaking the fourth wall. But I’m getting off topic again.

Here we see Roman’s team taking an extreme to try and pull him back by the reigns. The know he doesn’t receive any other content than what they feed him and their going to use this to their advantage. So, the decide to use the most angsty, kinkiest parts of the fandom’s ships and expose them to the poor sheltered and innocent man. Imagine if we had never heard of tumblr and then were suddenly shoved into the deepest darkest pits… Sure exposure therapy is known to work but I’d be pretty repulsed by it too. Luckily most of us managed to dip our toes in first and move away from the shallows one step at a time here on tumblr so we didn’t have to go through what poor Ro-Ro is. Now, its common knowledge that we’re all a little demented. Lol XP

“He’d been unable to keep looking at the pictures and horrible, humiliating stories published for all to see. How could he allow this to happen? This was what people saw in him after he’d allowed himself to be experimented on, cut apart and be put back together and worked so hard to give them something to believe in?” (Whatwashernameagain).

Let’s pick this apart a bit, shall we? Why would Roman really be this horrified? Sure, he was sheltered and then suddenly exposed to it but it’s a bit more than that. Here is a man that is supposed to hold up ‘American Values’ and be the image of masculinity. That is what his father wants him to be, that is what he has suffered to become. He is supposed to be the strongest person out there and yet he is being depicted in such compromising positions… In positions of submission, of servitude. He has no idea that that kind of position can be a symbol of trust and freedom because he is not taught to believe this. He does not know what a healthy relationship is.

Then there is also the symbolism of it all. Roman is the hero; he is the light; he is the good. Logan is the villain, the shadows, the evil in the world. These images show the good bowing to the bad. They show Roman losing. Losing the one thing he has suffered and fought for, for so long. They show him the possible failure he is so terrified of. To Roman, these images hold one of his worst fears. /That/ is why Roman is so disturbed by them.

We can also view this another way. Roman is taught that the only way he will win against the evil in the world is through the public’s support. He relies of the world to boost him, to come together in unity. He believes that with their help he is invincible. Yet, the public is the one who created these stories and art. The public is the one the imagined his failure. Roman is fueled by hope and faith and yet these images could be taken as a loss of those things. These images represent the publics loss of faith and hope in Roman… At least, that is one possible view point of the man. Either way, it is devastating.

*******

I would like to add here that @mariniacipher has added some input here that explains this in more depth and is beautifully done. I asked permission to quote them here and they have consented:

“Honestly, I have just one thought like, about your analysis of the line "The Utilitarianist would see it and think-" 

I think there's a bit more behind this, and that Roman's team had a deeper reason to show roman that art: Because roman is, to them- as far as we know- a naive boy-turned-tool, and he's already strayed from their commands twice. Once to save the kids in Mexico. This could be seen as him following Logan's agenda in some way. He's definitely seeing all people as equal, instead of following his team's "America First" mindset, which is already risky to them. And then, the second time he "deviates", he directly follows Logan's intel as well as his call to action. Add to that the Logince interactions you already pointed out, their respect to each other in those arguments, and they've got a genuine risk of roman completely leaving their range of influence, in their minds at least. Which brings us to them showing roman the unsavory pieces of art of himself and Logan. You already pointed out a lot here, but I think it also served to pervert the beginnings of the relationship between roman and Logan.

Before, they both just wanted to defeat one another, but also both wanted to help the world. Now, Roman's team is turning this dynamic in something altogether different, or trying to: it turns it sexual, and into a power play/fight. They present Logan not as a person who just wants to defeat roman, but beat him, humiliate and hurt him- because that way, they destroy even the thought of roman defecting, or escaping their influence, because there's no one to run to.In my opinion, they only want roman to have the team, and no one else- showing logan in the role of- to roman- a pervert and even a rapist serves to keep roman isolated and loyal.”

@mariniacipher makes some very valid points here, all of which I agree with. They also provide a great example of how Reader Response is suppose to work in the sense that every reader experiences a work differently and they see these things slightly different. This truly made my day. 

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

******

Once again, the devil on his shoulder has struck… But where is the angel in purple? Knocking on his door, just in time to save the day!

““Hey. Um, so I saw the dossier.”

Roman groaned, hiding his burning face. He’d never even looked at porn, so seeing himself pictured on his knees, the villain’s hand in his hair, about to- oh god. This was out there. The Utilitarianist would see it and think- irrational fear of things he hadn’t ever considered the other capable of mixed with the humiliation and made Roman tremble” (Whatwashernameagain).

First off, ‘He’d never even looked at porn’… Christ on a cracker, Roman you truly are sheltered you poor poor baby… Though that does beg the question if he is even too modest to…. You know what… Never mind. Lets move on… This is an analysis not a fanfic after all…

‘The Utilitarianist would see it and think-‘ OMG Roman I love you! Even when you’re horrified and shamed the only person you can concern yourself with is Logan?! This is fantastic! We see just where Logan stands now. Before, the person Roman would probably concern himself with is his father. That’s not the case now though. Logan has become more of a priority than dear old Dad and with good reason. In fact, Roman’s father hasn’t been mentioned in some time which gives us a sense of visual in Roman’s mental shift. Our baby is growing. -sniffle- I’m so proud.

Virgil of course, tries to explain to Roman that it is not what he thinks. Roman then states that he believes Virgil thinks him not smart enough to understand and my anxious son puts him in his place as he should! Virgil has no shits to give!

“You’re much smarter than they make you believe! They just want you to stop thinking for yourself!” A frustrated growl escaped Virgil. Pulling uselessly on the powerful man’s shoulder, he tried to get him to look up” (Whatwashernameagain).

He calls the team out on their shit! He explains that Roman is only seeing the kinky stuff and goes on to explain what shipping is really about… Which makes me wonder if the man ships them as well… I wouldn’t put it past him the little angel.

“”It’s about liking two people and rooting for them, despite any opposition. People just care about both of you, even if you’re on different sides. It just shows that most of them aren’t as black and white as they all say. They aren’t the perfect, traditional families on the cereal boxes and they aren’t the masked activists throwing Molotov cocktails either. They’re just people who like some of both of your positions and they like you and him and what they like most is the idea of you two burying this feud and stop fighting. They want what you want, when it comes down to it, dude. For the arguing to end and people to just get along. I’m not making this up, look!”” (Whatwashernameagain).

This is really beautiful, and I feel privileged to be able to read it. Eva gets it, she really does. There are a few sentences here that I really want to point out though. For example, ‘It just shows that most of them aren’t as black and white as they all say’. Virgil is referring to the fact that most people aren’t just good or evil. The majority of people have done good things and they had done bad things… That is human nature. Everyone has regrets. Roman lives in a state in which he is required to see things in black and white, but the world doesn’t work like that. Very few things are so cut and dry. Virgil see this and he sees that Roman doesn’t. At this point Virgil has moved from shoulder angel to practically Roman’s conscious. He truly is a wonderful friend.

Roman, no doubt, doesn’t really stop to consider people in their daily lives. To him its always the people in the most dire of situation that he focuses on. I doubt he’d know how to handle someone if they just past him on the street. Of course, he is trained to think like this… He knows that he is trying to protect people’s way of life but never stops to consider the way they live their life.

‘They’re just people who like some of both of your positions and they like you and him and what they like most is the idea of you two burying this feud and stop fighting’. This feels like more foreshadowing but I’m going to bypass that because we’ve already discussed it. But it is a fantastic representation of both Logan and Roman and a reminder that nothing is black and white just as I mentioned previously. Logan is a good man doing bad things for good reasons and Roman is a good man doing good things for bad reasons. The Dreamer is an apt name… Roman’s ideas of good and evil are so fantastic they deserve to be in a dream. Luckily, Virgil is there to help guide him back to reality (once again pulling on the comparison between Remy and Virgil).

The next few paras are filled with such wholesome and beautiful images and art work that you really need to go re-read it (if you haven’t already. Its just so warm hearted and I love it. Also, I can’t draw so if someone wants to work up some art on the image Roman describes about the glitter in his hair and the dipping Logan I will gladly share it EVERYWHERE!!!! (just link it to me K?)

Also, the argument with the wall of pictures and Roman’s wall of postcards and pinatas gives me life…. My chest aches with it. I can also really appreciate that Eva describes the works of the two arguing so often. Obviously, this would be understandable because the two are on opposite sides but also Roman’s association with affection /is/ arguments which no doubt only reinforces Virgil’s point that these are wholesome and good when Roman sees the two of them arguing. I just love it so much.  

There are so many that Eva lists…. …. …. Honest opinion: At this point, she’s just indulging herself… I approve whole heartedly LOL XP.

It is also possible that these are real fan arts of Logan and Roman and though I don’t have the time to look them up at the moment you bet your sweet IQ that I will be after I get this posted!

In all of these images there is one striking similarity that I must point out: Roman and Logan are depicted as EQUALS. Why is this important? Roman had never been treated as an equal by anyone until he met Logan and Logan began to take the time to argue with him, treating him as if he were worth changing his mind. His father doesn’t even bother with that (yes, I know that I’ve already covered this). The point being, it is very important for Roman to feel valued and equaled, that is one of the reasons why the images provided by his team were so disturbing and that is also one of the reasons why these images are so inspirational to him.

““I don’t understand.” He muttered, glancing at his own tablet, filled with data carefully compiled for him.

Virgil’s gaze was worried.

“I guess there are things they’d rather you don’t see, for whatever reasons. Maybe you’ll let me double check the info they give you from now on, man. I get unrestricted internet.”

“Oh. I didn’t know the internet here was restricted.” Roman muttered softly. His head was buzzing. He huddled closer to Virgil, gazing at the images without really seeing them. He felt like everything he knew was shaken in its foundations” (Whatwashernameagain).

Virgil my sweet sweet baby boy, you’ve done it! You’ve finally gave Roman the realization that he needed! Finally, Roman’s eyes are open to just how manipulative his team is and how damaging that can be. Finally, he is seeing what is going on! Now all that’s left is to win the revolution and kick them to the curb!

This is not going to be easy of course. Everything Roman believes and everything he thinks he knows has been affected. His trust has been shaken. Whatever road Roman is about to walk down, it is not going to be easy for the poor man.

******

I apologize for Part 4 being so long, but I’ve limited myself to 4 parts per chapter and it has been quite difficult.

As always, I want to thank Eva for writing so beautifully and being so supportive of my ramblings.

I would also like to remind everyone that I don’t proof read these because I am surprisingly lazy when it comes to my own work.

I also LOVE hearing from you guys so plz plz plz drop me an ask or a message if you feel up for it. I promise I don’t bite unless you ask me to. <3 I also love questions and theories so hit me up with those too!

Be sure to leave Eva some love on AO3 and tumblr as well! She is incredibly nice and always fun to talk to! Also, if you haven’t already read her other work (like KHS) I highly recommend it.

For now, I will be waiting with bated breath with the rest of you for The Dreamer Chapter 3! ^.^ Until then, I hope to see you all around! <3

           “Abstract Search.” Full Abstract, https://abstracts.societyforscience.org/Home/FullAbstract?AllAbstracts=True&Category=Any+Category&FairCountry=Any+Country&FairState=Any+State&ProjectId=4987.Pocket-lint.

Anderson CA, Shibuya A, Ihori N, Swing EL, Bushman BJ, Sakamoto A, Rothstein HR, Saleem M. Violent video game effects on aggression, empathy, and prosocial behavior in eastern and western countries: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. 2010;136:151–173.

Browne KD, Hamilton-Giachritsis C. The influence of violent media on children and adolescents: A public-health approach. The Lancet. 2005;365:702–710.

Carnagey NL, Anderson CA, Bushman BJ. The effect of video game violence on physiological desensitization to real-life violence. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 2007;43:489–496.

Center for Research Excellence Video consumer mapping survey. 2009 Retrieved from Center for Research Excellence web site: http://www.researchexcellence.com/research/research.php.

FaithWorld (26 October 2015). "Kabul University unlikely host for first Afghan women's studies programme". Blogs.reuters.com. Retrieved 2 November 2015.

"Gender Studies". Whitman College. https://archive.is/20121212181127/http://www.whitman.edu/content/genderstudies

Jaschik, Scott (10 November 2005). "Indiana Creates First Gender Studies PhD". The last decade has seen the number of women's studies PhD programs grow to at least 10 – most of them relatively new. Last week, Indiana University's board approved the creation of a program that will be both similar and different from those 10: the first doctoral program in the United States exclusively in gender studies.

Pharmacy Times, https://www.pharmacytimes.com/news/do-poisonous-mushrooms-have-a-pharmaceutical-purpose.

Rivkin, Julie. Literary Theory: a Practical Introduction. Wiley-Blackwell, 2017.

Whatwashernameagain. “The Dreamer - Chapter 2.” Hello Guys Gals And Non Binary Friends, 8 Sept. 2019, https://whatwashernameagain.tumblr.com/post/189407228487/the-dreamer-chapter-2?is_related_post=1.

[jimlingss]

I can't believe you ended chp 16 of Jp like that...i want to fight 😭

if you fight me, i’m guaranteed to be hospitalized ((look at these noodle arms)) and then who will post the next chapter on Monday? uh huuuh, that’s what I thought. Think twice before you wanna square up. (ง •̀_•́)ง

I am now answering spoiler-y messages below, so beware....

[SPOILER ALERT] 

*SPOILER ALERT**SPOILER ALERT**!SPOILER ALERT!*

Massive spoilers to come, please do not read if you have not yet read Jungle Park Chapter 16. Or go ahead and read if you’re chaotic like that.

Anonymous said: ok but what if oc and Hoseok were actually engaged....

I’m an idiot, anon - I accidentally deleted your ask before I copied it correctly lol oops, but ding ding ding! correct! you’re a winner!! i believe you sent me this message like 2 chapters ago and honestly you freaked me out by how accurate you were. dammit, I might’ve been too predictable, but you catch on quick. sorry i couldn’t answer sooner hahaha i couldn’t risk other people jumping on the same theory. you’re a genius tho, i’ll give you props for it.

Anonymous said: DATED!FOR 4 YEARS! ENGAGED! Omg wow shit really hit the fan like there is no coming back omg Wowoowoeoeoeooew I’m SHOOK like I never expected that like NEVER!!!

Anonymous said:I KNEW IT!!! i had a feeling it was either a really long relationship or they were engaged at one point. TURNS OUT IT WAS BOTH omg gahdhsjxbjsjs I'm so excited to see this all just unravel omgomgomgomg

kawaii-ing said: FhbsjshJuxYhUgrnziVJgdjsbdud JUNGLE PARK CHAPTER 16 JUST WRECKED ME YO 😱😱😱😱😱 HE KNOWS AND SHE DOESNT KNOW HE KNOWS IM SO CURIOUS FOR WHATS GONNA HAPPEN NOW Btw lovvvveeee your writing, thanks for all your hard work boo xxx💜💜

ASDFGHJKL I SAID SHIT WOULD HIT THE FAN AND I FOLLOWED THROUGH, RIGHT?? AREN’T YOU PROUD! THERE’S NO CLICKBAIT ON THIS BLOG HAHAHA 

Anonymous said: omgg 4 years? ENGAGED?? I’m ??? jut WHAT happened

:O :O

Anonymous said: BROOOOOOO! THEY WERE ENGAGED :o *insert Pikachu meme*

pikachu meme?? hahaha is that a sarcastic surprise? so you weren’t actually? lolololol :O

Anonymous said: Ahh I loved jungle park 16!! I'm so excited for the angst to come 👀 is hoseok's car accident related to oc at all?

hmm guess you’ll have to wait and see ((but also just putting it out there that if it was related that would be pretty makjang and lol im not about that life with this series))

Anonymous said: (1)oh holy hell Kina,,,my head’s hurting bcs of JP:16. ENGAGED what?? huh. now its one of my fav chapters, like 4-6 (ah those innocent cute baby steps in hoseok’s&oc’s relationship,,,not THIS). but freaking FINALLY someone spilled the beans. i love this kind of scenes, THE truth revelation. chang’s unaware of storm hes causing with his words, hoseok’s world’s simply crushing, oc doesnt know yet whats happening&dae is helplessly watching from sidelines trying to stop the catastrophe&failing

Anonymous said:(2)thats sad. i kinda can imagine what hoseoks feeling now, plagued w question that almost no one’s willing to answer, that drive him crazy.what happened? why did oc hide the truth? what did i do, how bad did we hurt each other? why can’t i remember any of it fuck. its a perfect opportunity for insecurities&ugly thoughts&inner demons to poison his mind. and oc...her house of cards collapsed revealing things she was trying hard to escape. will she feign ignorance again or will she finally face it

Anonymous said:(3)i just hope that in the end after this storm theyll reach their own peace, whatever the outcome will be. past stays in past, but only if every issue is resolved. otherwise it might return later&be worse than before. it was a great chapter. thank you — chem

THE BEANS HAVE BEEN SPILLED!!! honestly the universe is in chaos right now lol Hoseok’s like the fuck....and oc doesn’t even know lol but yeah it’s definitely a sad situation for almost all parties. there’s still more to be revealed tho, like the actual details of what the fuck went on haha anyways, i’m glad you’re enjoying it!

Anonymous said: AAHHHHH ITS FINALLY HERE!! Thank you 💞💞. Wow it was truly a lot and honestly, I feel kinda scared for Hoseok... it’s crazy that he really doesn’t remember anything and learning all this new information is like being in another word. If this story wasn’t one about love and fluff, it could’ve totally turned into a horror story lol. Thank you again and I’m very excited to see where the story goes!!

a horror? can’t say im very good at the genre but that’s definitely an interesting concept....the more i think about it....like for someone to go through something suppper traumatic and not remember at all and someone appears in their life but it turns out that someone was actually the serial killer? dammmmn that would be really interesting. i digress, thank you for enjoying it. definitely Hoseok is lost, scared, confused.

Anonymous said: SHIT’S 🗣 HITTING 🗣 THE 🗣 FAN 🗣 omg *insert “she’s meditating” “she’s dead” meme* and the fact that this is just the beginning??? how?? what?? i’m honestly so skek for the next chapter like i dont think hoseok’s gonna go apeshit on yn but you never know now do you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ superb chapter for reals!!!! like, all of your writing is great but this chapter?? *chef’s kiss* didnt even know i was an angst fan until this chapter lol sending all my love to you!!! - chanting anon

hahhahahahhahaha there’s a lot more to unravel. now the puzzle has been exposed, we gotta start looking at the details. thank you for the message *throws chef’s kiss back* also welcome to the angst realm lol

Anonymous said: finals starts at the 20th and school ends in the 24th and we're still at chap 1 on our research. Due to stress, i thought, hey, might as well read the latest chapter bUT WHO KNEW IT WOULD BRING ME MORE STRESS. FOUR YEARS?! ENGAGED?! i feel like hoseok right now. You make such awesome stories and worlds. It affects me in so many good ways i cant even. i dont always give you my thoughts per chapter but i want you to know that i scream at every single one of them. have a nice day! - anon h.a.n.d.

oh my goodness!!! good luck on your exams!! hahah im sorry the chapter isn’t very much comfort food and kind of more wild but still happy you enjoyed it! 

Anonymous said: PT. 15 & 16?! WHAT. I COME BACK TO TWO CHAPTERS. HOLY COW. but really, like now that I know what I know, I’m so sad. I wonder what their relationship was like. That’s a lot of time to invest in someone and for it to fall apart like that... I couldn’t imagine what OC had to go through. I’m sad BUT THE DEVELOPMENT IS MAKING ME SO FREAKIN EXCITED. THANK YOU FOR GIVING US SOME ANSWERS ABOUT THE PAST. I CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW MUCH ELSE HE FINDS OUT.

I KNOW RIGHT?? LIKE FOUR YEARS IS A FUCKING LONG TIME. then again that was like 8 years ago. but yeah, it’s sad for both oc and Hoseok, y’know? I’M GLAD YOU’RE EXCITED!!!

Anonymous said: Great Jungle Park chapter! I'm pissed because SOMEONE SPOILED IT and i saw they were engaged before i could even click on the 'read more',,, but great chapter! I wish i could've read it without knowing, it kinda made me sad and it was not as great as it could have been.. @people spoiling, fuck off >:(( @you you're the best writer ily u nice keep going!! Can't wait to have Hoseok's full mind process over how crazy it is he doesn't remember 4 YEARS and an ENGAGEMENT (and only 2 dates huhu)

haha chill, anon. did you actually know that spoilers can make someone enjoy a story more? it’s actually a really interesting thing to google and find out more about. the chapter’s still the same whether you had an inkling of what was going on or not. you still enjoyed it too, right?  :D 

Anonymous said: CRAP OK, well, we knew it was something more than two days, but HONESTLY lol I love how you wrote y/n trying to keep it together. I could feel her fear as she lost control of the situation when Hoseok showed up. Do you think in her mind she even slightly expected him to show up? I'm assuming she's very internal w/ her thoughts/feelings seeing as she doesn't talk to anyone about what happened between her & Hobi all those years ago nor has she dealt w/ it, mostly just avoided it, would you say?

oh yeah oc was on the verge of a mental breakdown when he showed up rofl, damn near scared her. he was basically like a jumpscare LOL. but yeah for sure she didn’t expect him to come. i mean she basically told him and he was like ‘ok whatever’ and didn’t express interest and it’s not like he got an invite so she didn’t know he would actually go out of his way to show up. and yeah i agree, oc’s very internal with her feelings, or at least what happened all those years ago. it’s sensitive issues anyway that she’s left behind. or at least tried to.

tofugguk said: BROOO i LITERALLY— LITERALLY LOST IT. WHEN CHANGSUB DROPPED THEM BEING TOGETHER FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS THEN THE- “You guys even got engaged.” PART I SCREAMED. YOOOOO I CANTTT HANDLE THIS

Changsub isn’t the dumbass that we wanted. But the dumbass we needed.

((don’t you love how oc tried so hard to keep it a secret for like 16 chapters aka like near a year and some idiot comes trapezing in and in his first scene he just spills all the beans??? hahahha))

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2017

The end of the year is in sight, and so it is time to, once again, write a long post in which I look back on the past year and get all sentimental and stuff. It’s fun! And since I’ve kinda made an annual tradition out of it, why the fuck not?

I’m gonna be using the same questions/categories as I did last year for maximum comparison (and so I know what to write about), so if you want to read last year’s post, I’ll link it here: (x)

The Beginning of 2017 vs. Now I definately think that there’s a huge difference between the beginning of the year and the end. When this year started, I was sooooo busy with school. I had multiple test weeks coming up and I was behind on almost all my subjects. The stress of all that stuff caused me to feel really unhappy, and apart from that my transition also wasn’t really moving forward. And now? Now I’m five months on T, finished with school, and even though work is still stressfull at the moment and I’m still not really happy, I can say that I’m a lot happier than I was at the beginning of the year. I also feel like at the beginning of the year I was kinda stuck in a negative mindset. I felt lonely all the time, and I had just started to realise that I was a very insecure person and I felt really lonely and busy and isolated and I just wasn’t in a good place, ya know? And I feel like in the past year I’ve become better at dealing with my insecurities and with jealousy, which has increased the value I have of myself, which has definately improved my quality of life. 

So, to summarise it: Since the beginning of the year I’ve reached multiple of my goals, reached some milestones and, most importantly, I’ve grown as a person.

Best things about 2017 So many good things happened this year! I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll try to start with things that happened at the beginning of the year and just see where it leads me. I hope I won’t forget anything lmao.

Okay, so first of all, Voltron season 2, 3 and 4 were all released this year! Three seasons! That’s crazy! I didn’t really enjoy the last two that much, but damn, season 2 was really fun! Other tv shows that got new seasons this year were Stranger Things, Doctor Who (I can’t believe I’ve only finished the tenth doctors seasons this year! I can’t believe I’ve not been into Doctor Who for more than a year! It’s so much funn!!!!), Brooklyn Nine-Nine (which reminds me, I started watching “the good place” this year! Amazing show!), and Sense8! Speaking of sense8, I only started watching it in the beginning of this year, and it has easily become one of my favourite shows ever! I’m so glad I got to watch this show this year! 

Then in february, I discovered the band One Ok Rock, which is one of my favourite bands at the moment. It’s crazy to think I haven’t even known them for a year, because they’ve become such an integral part of my music library. And so have Lindsey Stirling and Ed Sheeran by the way! I went to a Lindsey Stirling concert in March and have become a huge fan of her latest album “brave enough” ever since then. And Ed Sheeran’s album “Devide” had some amazing songs on it that I connected with instantly and have helped me through some hard times. I really can’t believe I’ve only been listening to these songs for like nine months or something. It feels like it’s been forever. The same goes for a certain musical genre by the way, but we’ll get into that later!!

Then in may, two amazing things happened, first of all I got to perform on a huge stage with my choir, and met some famous dutch people there! Roel van Velzen for example! That was crazy! We were on TV!!! 

The second thing is, I finished my exams and was done with school! This made me feel sooooo much happier. I instantly just felt a lot better and suddenly had time to do stuff I liked, like read and write and play the piano. Honestly, those months (end of may - end of august) were some of the best months I’ve had in a loooong time. I wish I could go back sometimes lmao.

So yeah, I graduated, turned eightteen, went to Ireland for the first time. All of that stuff was amazing. Then, on the 28th of june, I went to the hospital and got one of the best surprises I’ve ever gotten. I COULD FINALLY, FINALLY, GO ON T! If I had to pick my best day of the year, I’d probably choose this day. Testosterone has already improved my life so much and I’ve only been on it for five months. I can’t imagine how much it will change me in the next year and I also can’t wait to find out!!

Oh, and after that, I GOT INTO KPOP! I started really listening to Day6 during my vacation to ireland, but around the end of august/beginning of september, I started to get really really into SHINee, and in extention, to kpop. Honestly, this might sound dramatic, but Day6 and SHINee have added so much to my life. Their music and just their personalities never fail to make me smile, and they bring me comfort when I feel down. Since a few weeks, BTS has also been added to that list. Their music and the members just really mean a lot to me, so I’d say kpop is definately one of the best things that happened to me this year. 

Then I got a job in september, and I can’t really remember if anything big has happened since then. The only thing I can really think of is I SAW JACKSEPTICEYE LIVE! That evening was such a fun evening and it was awesome to finally get to see one of my heroes in person and to be in the same room with him and see that he’s actually real, haha. I don’t think I’ve screamed that much anywhere else this year. 

Oh, and I also went to my first pride this year! Sadly, I couldn’t stay there very long because of work, but it was amazing and I can’t wait to go again!

I also started my youtube channel this year, which is cool. I really love making content for it, but unfortunately it takes a lot of time that I usually don’t have. I hope I’ll be able to keep it up for another year!

So, I think that’s it for this year. If you look at it like this it’s actually quite a lot of positive stuff! That’s always good.

OH AND HOW COULD I FORGET I went to london with my mom this year! It was only two nights but it was amazing and I had loads of fun there! 

And another thing I wanted to add is I feel like I’ve become a lot closer with my friends this past year. I guess that’s just what happens when you know them for a year longer, but idk. We see eachother a lot less than last year and despite that we’ve only become closer and I think that’s a really amazing thing.

OH, and I started to watch the You’re So Brave podcast by Chase Ross & Aaron Ansuini and oh my god have these dudes helped me a lot in the past year. Thank you guys so so much!!!

My resolutions for 2017? I haven’t looked at my resolutions for this year since I posted them last year... oops. But I remember quite a few of them and I believe I’ve achieved some of them so I’m just going to copy-paste them here and adress them all individually

Go on Testosterone, for real this time - Did that!! I went on T on the 28th of July 2017 and am now Five months and Three days on T!

Write more! - .... well I guess I failed that one. I wrote exactly four pages in the past year

Save money and buy new jeans, flannels and hoodies - I did save money, and bought my favourite flannel, hoodie and jeans this year, so I guess that counts

Finish School! - DID THAT

Read a lot of books! - Sadly, I didn’t manage to achieve my reading goal on goodreads. I only read 22 books this year when I wanted to read 35. Last year, I read about the same amount, so I’d count this as a fail.

Stay Hydrated! - Idek if I did this lmao. I did become more aware of what I’m eating and what I should eat more and less to stay healthy, so I’m going to count this as a win

Try to make my tumblr blog a safe and positive place for everyone - I’ll let you guys be the judge of that

Stay positive - I’ve definately tried this, so that’s good enough

Try to be the best person I can be - I’ve become a lot more self aware the past year, and I did find out what my flaws were and how to work on them, so I think I did this.

Fight my insecurities - As I’ve stated in the beginning of this post, I think I’ve become better at dealing with them, so I’d say yeah, I did that!

Reach 200 followers on tumblr!! - Did that! I’ve got about 280 followers now!!

So yeah, overall I think I did pretty good in the past year! Better than I expected at least haha

Expectations for 2018 Okay, let’s see. I’m expecting I’ll keep my job until around june/july. I’ll turn nineteen in june, and I’m going to see Paramore, Markiplier, Ed Sheeran and Dan and Phil live this year! Really looking forward to that!! Then in september I’m going to start university, and I think that I’m going to have Top-Surgery somewhere between september and december of this year. Apart from that I don’t really know what to expect. I think university will be quite easy for me education-wise, and hard social-wise, since I’m not good around strangers and might have some slight social anxiety. But apart from that I don’t really have a clear vision for the future. I am probably going to start learing how to drive so I might get my driver’s liscence this year. Who knows? It’ll be a mystery until I’ve lived it guys.

2018 Resolutions? I am feeling ambitious rn so I’m probably gonna set the bar too high but oh well who cares let’s do this

Finally decide what to study

Get Top-Surgery

Write at least 100 pages of a story

Accomplish my reading challenge on goodreads (I’m gonna try 35 books again)

Start University

Make new friends

Stop with my acting classes

Learn how to drive

Improve my drawing skills (maybe make a comic?)

Reach 300 followers on Tumblr

Get more than 20 subs on Youtube and consistently create content for my channel

Learn Divenire on the Piano

Dye my hair

Continue to shower every day (Hygene is important!)

Start working out/exercising regularely

Get new glasses

And yeah, that’s it! I hope you’ve all enjoyed going along on this journey through my past year with me. Looking back on the past year is always one of my favourite parts of new year’s eve. It’s so good to look back and see all that you’ve accomplished in a year and it just makes me really sentimental and stuff and I like that. 

Anyways, I hope you all have a great evening, and I’ll see you guys next year!

[overton2015]

2:06 AM

I have begun to realize just how stressed and down right exhausted i have become. Im sad. I don’t take care of myself like i should. I would even say i do the bare minimum just to keep me going. I know i need help, but how can you ask for help when you don’t even know whats going on.

In 2015 i learned how to truly start loving myself. “Everything was beautiful and nothing could hurt.” During this fragile time i met a boy. We began dating about 7-8 months after we met. He was spiritually and emotionally beautiful. We found life in each other. I never thought i would have to worry about my future after that, cause it was him. I thought this to be my only other true love besides my first. We were naively happy. We supported each other and loved each other for who were, and what we were becoming. We met each others friends and families, and feel even more in love with the idea that these were the people we would surround ourselves with. After about 4-5 months of me practically living with him we started talking about moving in together.( My plans before him were to move to Chattanooga,TN and attend Chatt State Comm. College.) We talked it over for a couple weeks, and we both decided Chattanooga was the place for us. To save money he gave up his room in an apartment he shared with 2 of his friends, and we moved in with my mom to save money. This is where things began to get a little less easy for us. As you would imagine once we became distracted with more and more worldly things, we began to loose that spirituality i loved so much. I didn't pay much attention to this, because we weren't having any problems we couldn't fix, and i mean c’mon i loved him. But what i didn't notice, and what should have been my upmost importance was not loosing myself in our problems and our relationship.

He began making remarks like, “oh, who are you wearing that makeup for?,” “why are you getting all dressed up?,” or even “Who do you keep changing your hair for?” ( I have had many different fashion shades in my hair) I did it all to keep his interest and for his validation. One of my biggest insecurities is my body, as it is for most people. When i didn't get the validation i thought i needed i began criticizing myself so much, i almost began to hate myself. Soon things started getting sen worse. He alienated me from my friends, and would give me excuses like they are good people, and they are going to get me into trouble with dumb things. So to appease the arguing i began seeing my friends less and less, and started looking to him for my identity. I was no longer my own person. I didn't have a taste in music, and i would look to his advice for what to wear, yet somehow, this was still not enough.

Even better, i was upfront about a few things before we started dating:

1. I am still friends with all of my exes, because i don't believe that somebody who meant so much to your life should be excluded just because you don't see a forever together.

2. DO NOT CURSE TOWARDS ME IN ANY KIND OF NEGATIVE MANNER. you might as well have layed hands on me

Now, as you can expect he called me a bitch for the first time in a fight. I laid down the law and said if he did it again i would leave him . He did it again. I didn't leave him, but he apologized and cried, so he meant it right? Wrong. He kept doing it and even though i would fight with him about not doing that i didn't stop him. So at this point I'm to busy stressing about money, work, school, amongst other things to notice just how hallow of a shell of a person i had become.

I was taking abuse up and down, left and right, but i loved him? He could always be the way he was and we could always still be just as happy as we were before. I just need to get my act together, i would tell myself.

My mom bought us an i pad, after, she realized wes was always using my laptop for games and i was falling behind on my online courses. Well, as you can probably foresee he took advantage of this thoughtful gift to use it against me.

I was texting a good friend of mine from hs, mind you we had our own set of problems but she was none the less my friend. As everybody at the time did, she told me i should leave him. She didn't go into detail about what he was doing wrong or anything he had done to hurt me. She said she just wants to see me happy and she didn't think i was. I didn't agree with her, but i didn't disagree with her either. We didn't spend much time on this topic, but wes saw it by going through my messages coming in on the i pad. While i couldn't get to my phone this particular saturday, because we work by ourselves, he took it upon himself to message her as if being me. However, he always made the fatal flaw of never sounding like me in his messages. I think he was more obsessed with saying what he had to, rather than actually putting it in my own words. So she caught on pretty quickly that it wasn't me, and it wasn't long before i noticed there messages sent to her that weren't mine. I immediately called wes to tell him how wrong he was for doing that, and he turned it right around on me. He was saying things like, “How could you let your friends talk about me this way,” and i started explaining that no matter what anybody says it all comes down to how i feel about the other person. I even tried to comfort him by saying that it happens with most of my ex’s, but nothing calmed him. It got much, much worse. It went from him texting jamie as me, to him just texting her, to @ing each other on twitter. I was consistantly going back and forth between trying to focus on the store and trying to tame my personal life. They were taking turns showing each other their cows without real scratching. Empty threats and just hurtful words back and forth about each other and anybody they can involve. Since this made its way to social media, a few of my other friends found themselves getting involved for a brief moment as well. Neither side was really looking for a resolution. They were all just looking for entertainment. Nobody did what they did for me, or to help me. When everything stopped, I asked everybody to take down what they had posted because I didn't agree with anybody's actions. Everybody agreed, and did so except wesley and Jamie. They were the only ones to give me grief about deleting their post. At this point i had given up. I only fought with wesley to take down his posts and i just couldn't handle the extra stress from jamie. It was all too much.

I was always the one apologizing, even when it wasn't my fault. He has a mystical way of manipulating the situations we put ourselves in. Im just a nagging bitch, who can't keep my legs closed i guess. Even if consciously i didn't believe what he was saying about me i still absorbed that hate, but i held it internally against myself.

It wasn't just emotional, psychological, and mental abuse. It got physical a few times. Ive been thrown against a wall, dragged in a house over concrete steps, scratching up the entire backs of my calves ( i told my friends and co-workers i was drunk and slipped on the very same stairs). I have had my arm crushed in a cast iron door, and to be honest this is the first time I'm telling anybody, and there is nobody to listen.

We were sitting his animals at his parents one weekend while they were out of town. I don't even remember the fight, but i remember running away from him. I remember anytime he got close to me i couldn't breathe and i just needed to not be in his house or near him. He continued to follow me around the very house he also would let me out of. He took my keys so it didn't do me any good to try and leave his house anyway. At this point I'm physically suffocating, crying so hard i can't see where I'm running. I find a way to lock myself in the bathroom. Alone with me in this bathroom was a pocket knife he would keep with him. I contemplated cutting. Holding the knife on my thigh and gently rubbing it on the skin i was ready to tear to pieces. I paused to look out the window at the sky and saw him. taking pictures of me. yelling, “You’re fucking crazy, you psycho bitch.” He even went as far to send the picture to my phone and save them in my album, just so i could look at them.

Don’t get me wrong i tried to leave a few times but it always ended the same way. He was going to hurt himself or our dog, he had possession of after being kicked out of my moms house. Of course he made many threats, towards me and others, that never held any truth, but there is always that one time he could. So out of fear that he would hurt himself or our dog, i stayed.

this went on for a year.

Finally, i worked up the courage to leave him. It did not go well. We were in the car and i was driving. I was talking to him about on the way to his house where i planned to drop him off and go home. That didn't happen like that. He started playing with the wheel and trying to throw us off the road. I ended up parking in a church parking lot where he proceeded to get out of the car. Now i know with the way he was i should have just left, but he made sure to grab my phone before exiting. He then began going through it, because there could be no there logical reason for me to leave him unless for another person. Atleast, thats how he saw it. He even went as far, after i got out to retrieve my phone, to take the keys out of the ignition. I was tired of running after him so i sat in the car and locked the doors. Well he walked a ways away, but came back. He told me he had thrown my keys in the grass of the front lawn of this church. This wasn't even true. When he refused to look for the keys i got out to do it myself. He then jumped in and started the car acting as if he would leave me there. I got in the car and he drove us to his parents. All along the way he just kept saying I'm not leaving him and we aren't over. Once at his parents i told him i was leaving, which caused yet another scene. This actually promoted his parents to come outside. HIs mom was trying to beth him to let me leave and when he wouldn't listen to her she went and got his father. During this time he got in his car and parked at the end of the driveway so i couldn't leave. His father came to my window and said he would call the cops and i just needed to drive through the yard. I didn't want him to be in such a position with his parents. I even started giving in a little saying i would take him somewhere else, seeing as he didn't want to stay at his parents. I ended up being able to leave that night and go home around 2 AM. This all started at about 6 in the evening.

From this moment out this began to get overwhelming. He showed up at my house and even walked through the door that leads straight to my room. I didm answer when he knocked originally. He was basically squatting on my front porch till i talked to him. He was telling me once again all the things he was going to do to change and make up for all the bad stuff. So to appease his need for communication i gave in and said we could keep contact through texting, but only as i wished. Of course i didn't text back a whole lot and kept my distance as much as possible. Being the manipulator he was, he knew what to say to get me to respond, and i did. When he began being hostile again about my lack of communication i blocked him on all platforms of communication. He didn't give up.

He found a way to contact me. *67. He would call me repeatedly one after the other until i picked up or one of our phones died. I checked my phone one morning and found he had accumulated 380 missed calls in what i thought was 36 hours. He later corrected me to tell me it was 24 not 36.

Of course he knew where i worked and he used that to his advantage. Knowing only one person works on weekend days, he would call from *67 to my work line, knowing i had to pick up each call, and i would repeatedly hang up. it  was easily over 100 phone calls to the work phone alone. Customers were beginning to notice.

After all of this i finally took the advice my friends had been giving me for months. I filed for an order of protection.

wrote this a few days ago

[dorisphamus]

Nigel Pascoe’s Guide For Young Advocates: Essential reading for all aspiring advocates

Nigel Pascoe QC – whom I have been proud to call a colleague for more years than I care to remember, which is still only a fraction of the time that he has been at the height of his profession – adopts Norman Birkett’s definition of advocacy:

“Harnessing your personality in support of a cause.”

Pascoe: “be yourself or risk being a phoney.”

His advice to young advocates is the not uncommon advice given to nervous interview candidates: “be yourself.”

“If you try to be someone else,” says Pascoe, “it will sound phoney. It is phoney.”

I am not so sure. Being yourself works very well if you have the personality of Pascoe: warm, open and sympathetic to almost everyone. It is hard to imagine that he could have any enemies.

Other advocates, I fear, have done very well from being phonies. George Carman, acknowledged in Pascoe’s book as one of the greatest advocates of modern times was – if we are to believe the account of his son Dominic – an insecure, frequently drunk, violent, sexually inadequate womaniser. His was a personality best kept concealed.

Like many very good people, Pascoe may occasionally have difficulty in detecting or believing anything but the best about others. I remember attending a court centre intermittently over the course of many months where he was involved in a seemingly interminable case, the details of which are (fortunately) of no consequence. One of his opponents was particularly gritty and determined, and was given to somewhat dubious techniques; the sort who hands you a 20 page skeleton argument 15 minutes before the court is due to sit, and then does the same thing the next day. And the next. And then two skeleton arguments the next day. During the first two or three weeks Pascoe shrugged off these flaws as minor peccadilloes and could not have been more effusive in his praise for his opponent:

“Brilliant legal mind … superb cross-examiner … future Lord Chief Justice.”

After 6 weeks he had been worn down:

“Very determined … rather stubborn …a little inclined to miss the wood for the trees.”

Finally, after the trial had all but ground to a halt under the weight of his opponent’s abuse of process arguments, a rare flash of impatience suddenly appeared:

“That [name and very mild expletive deleted], can be rather tiresome at times.”

Other advocates would have been swearing and cursing by the second day, but that is emphatically not Pascoe’s style. As a result, he is one of those rare people who is liked by everyone he meets, and that, I am quite sure, includes jurors and judges.

Unless you share such a personality simply being yourself may not take you very far, but don’t worry because the rest of this slim volume is full of practical hints that will.

He is good on organising your papers, a dull task indeed, but one that almost all exceptional advocates excel at. Nothing is more important in preparing a case than than being able to find the vital document, and nothing is more irritating in court than to be unable to do so. Rightly, he makes the often overlooked point that a chronology is an essential part of any serious case preparation, and he sets out a simple and easy to understand system that any young advocate would be well advised to follow. Pascoe was an early enthusiast for voice activated software, and his enthusiasm has not dimmed:

“It is astonishingly useful for advocates and I do not understand today, when it really works, why more of them do not use it.”

Important skill though it is, the young advocate needs to know a lot more than organisation of the ring-binder, and Pascoe’s book helps, though whether every piece of advice always works if you don’t share his sunny personality may be arguable.

Do not, he advises, suggest to complainants in sex cases, “You’re lying about that.” Instead advocates should politely ask the “more courteous and effective ‘I do suggest that on that point you are not right / correct.’” I’m not so sure this is always sound advice: courtesy has its place in advocacy, but so, on occasion, does bluntness. Asked that question by the transparently decent Pascoe perhaps a few witnesses will say “Now you’ve put it as politely as that, you may well have a point, I’m really not at all sure it is correct.” The bigger gain, though, is that a courteous approach is less likely to lose the sympathy of the jury.

Sometimes, though, an over-polite approach is disastrous: I can think of at least one case in which a scrupulously polite cross-examiner framed all her important questions to the complainant in a rape case in this courteous style, studiously avoiding use of the word “lie,” even though lying was the only plausible reason why her account could be untrue. Maybe Pascoe could have carried it off, but with this advocate courtesy felt like cowardice; like a diver on a rock, going to the edge but never quite plucking up the courage to jump into the heaving water below. Worse still, it created a dilemma for her client when he came to give evidence – if he chose to be as polite as his counsel, why was even he afraid to accuse the complainant of lying? If he did accuse her of lying, why then had his barrister not done so?

In a short and largely practical book, Pascoe does not go into great detail about the ethics of advocacy. Integrity, he rightly says, should be at the top of the list of the qualities of an advocate, something that members of the public sometimes fail to grasp, given that of necessity a barrister spends much of his or her working life trying to persuade people that things that have happened haven’t, or vice versa. Pascoe emphasises that integrity is a practical as well as an ethical virtue: in order to persuade an advocate must be trusted.

Of course, says Pascoe,

“there is a clear distinction between glossing over the more difficult aspects of your submissions and misleading a court. For example, in a plea in mitigation, it is not your duty to put forward every daft suggestion of your client. Many a sex offender actually believes it is important to tell you that the child led him on assault. It is, of course, utterly wrong, completely irrelevant and counter-productive. That sort of admission against interest can be left in the backsheet and need not see the light of day.”

All well and good; but how about if the same client has told you something along those lines that flatly contradicts what he told to the writer of the pre-sentence report? Does the honest advocate allow the judge to sentence on the basis of the remorseful penitent described in the report, knowing that it is in fact a false picture. Advocacy has a habit of throwing up difficulties of this sort that do not admit of easy, or necessarily comfortable answers.

Indeed, the whole notion of one advocate being better than another – and whatever the ideal may be that often happens – is rather uncomfortable for the concept of justice. Why should a court’s decision depend at all on the quality of the advocates? There are two possible answers. First, to prevent a person from putting forward their case as powerfully as possible would be itself to create an injustice. Secondly, and more fundamentally, the better the advocacy, the more likely it is that the court will arrive at the correct decision; but that is only the case if the advocates themselves are honest and fair and observe the same rules.

Pascoe is known as a jury advocate par excellence, and he is disarmingly – and quite misleadingly – modest about his effectiveness in front of the Court of Appeal. He writes about “the Reading factor,” a sinking feeling that those Grounds of Appeal that looked so unanswerable at Taunton tend to look threadbare by Reading. The key to effectiveness, he advises, is to ruthlessly pare Grounds of Appeal down to the minimum. That is certainly true, as is his equally important, and easier to practise, point that you should always use a large font. Some judges have become remarkably, testy about font size and in recent years rules about fonts have even started to creep into Practice Directions. 12 seems to be the generally accepted minimum, but 14 is easier to read.

Pascoe is also right to warn against the infuriating tendency of some advocates to number their paragraphs 1.1, 1.2 etc (and sometimes with an even more complex system), instead of a simple 1, 2, 3, 4 etc. Advocacy is a difficult art, but it is possible for even a beginner to get that right, and common for the experienced to get it wrong. Simplicity, whether it be in plain numbering or clear unadorned language will get you a great deal further in advocacy than oratorical ornamentation, although (as Pascoe acknowledges) there is occasionally scope for a few judicious linguistic flourishes. But the best advocates are almost always those who somehow make everything seem simple. They make it look easy, even though it isn’t.

Pascoe’s book won’t make advocacy easy, but it will give young advocates plenty of guidance. It demonstrates his own point that brevity can be a virtue: you should be able to finish it in half an hour, including the extract from Julius Caesar in the final few pages (which might have been made even more interesting with Pascoe’s annotations of the rhetorical techniques deployed, as he says, in “unforgettable and glittering form” in Mark Anthony’s famous speech). But the value of a book is not to be measured by its length. Pascoe’s short primer is a classic. At just £5.99 – or £1.99 as an e-book – every aspiring advocate should read it.

The post Nigel Pascoe’s Guide For Young Advocates: Essential reading for all aspiring advocates appeared first on BarristerBlogger.

from All About Law http://barristerblogger.com/2018/07/17/nigel-pascoes-guide-for-young-advocates-essential-reading-for-all-aspiring-advocates/

[theworstbob]

the thing journal: 4.23.2017

the seven or so new things i took in over the last week. in this post: hebrews, summertime ‘06, drive, panic station, copacetic, The End of the Tour, here, teens of denial, and Anomalisa

1) Hebrews, by Say Anything: Yes hello hi I am the sort of person who will take a walk on Easter Sunday morning and listen to an album called Hebrews with a song called "Six Six Six." I really admired what this album was able to do. I didn't even realize there weren't any guitars on the album until I checked the Wikipedia page; I spent the entire time thinking, here it is, the most conventional Say Anything record in years, this has a really interesting sound, wonder how they were able to do it, ohhhhhh it IS weird after all!

2) Summertime '06, by Vince Staples: This was an album that was as good as everyone said it was two years ago. ..I'm supposed to write actual things, but like what do y'all want? Vince Staples is great. I really dug the thing he put out last year, and I REALLY dug the two-year-old thing he did. There's like fifty different people in hip-hop who are doing really incredible things and I wish I had time to give all of them their proper appreciation, like I'm two years behind on this, I still haven't gotten to Syd's thing from earlier this year, I still have the new Freddie Gibbs in the queue, evidently there's someone named Kamaiyah I oughta check out, there's so much cool stuff happening in a dozen different places. It Is Hard To Keep Up With The Kids These Days, is the central thesis of this and any post in the journal.

3) Drive, by Shayna Leigh: This pop album I picked up because this person followed me on Twitter is very good. I appreciate the follow, and I hope they enjoyed the content I posted before I scrammed. ...Is that the past tense of "scram?" It's not scrum. Before I high-tailed it on outta there. This was a very good album review.

4) Panic Stations, by Motion City Soundtrack: I can't help but weigh this against Yellowcard's farewell album, but only because Yellowcard's farewell album was sort of perfect? It didn't make my year-end Top 20, and I think it's listed in the index with a B+, but as the culmination of Yellowcard's career, it works. And maybe it's because I didn't keep up with MCS the same way I kept up with Yellowcard, but this felt to me like a collection of Motion City Soundtrack songs. That's fine! There's a lot of value in a collection of MCS songs! It's not what I hope for from finales, though.

5) Copacetic, by Knuckle Puck: hey everyone it's a hardcore-leaning pop/punk album i mostly liked, who wants to hear opinions. they are especially Good because i listened to it at 3 am. where are you going? engage with this post. it’s a good post, with quality content.

6) The End of the Road, dir. James Ponsoldt: god help me but i loved this movie about two white dudes who had a five-day-long talk the one time This is such a profound film, though. The relationship between the interviewer and the subject is so well-defined, the subject being keenly aware of everything the interviewer is trying to do, the interviewer trying to stay one step ahead of the subject and, to some extent, dazzle him, but it never feels like hate, it feels like two people who might otherwise get along being aware of an artifice. And just, like, the examination of what it means to be a writer -- like, just saying, David Foster Wallace is a normal dude who likes junk food and goes to dances and starts drama over ex-girlfriends, but has also experienced some profound loneliness and views the world through that lens, that's just a brilliant tack for this film to take (and fucking hell, having to write the screenplay for a film about one of the greatest writers of the modern age and have it hold up to that expectation is insane), to boil writing down to its essence and say it's all about how someone showing other people how they see the world, without ever actually saying it out loud or even being about writing. Or anything, really. Like, this is one of those movies I love that I probably wouldn't recommend to a friend, because it'd be really weird to say, "Hey, watch this almost-plotless movie about two smart dudes who talk a bunch. They visit Minneapolis. We live there! I saw my bus stop in this movie!"

7) Here, by Alicia Keys: ...So like, did we all just kinda not listen to this album last year? 'Cuz I thought this was kinda fucking brilliant, like a more accessible version of the Solange record. (Yes, Bob, those are two records by black women featuring spoken interludes. Valid comparison. Very good. Not #problematic at all.) Listen jMaybe it's because she went to The Voice and we all sort of assumed her career was over, since that's what The Voice is at this point, a retirement home for only our most charming pop stars. I thought this was vibrant and deep and Actually About Something, though, given that I wasn't expecting much, I might just be grading this against my expectations. I dunno, it's dope. Alicia Keys makes great songs. Maybe I just wasn't on the right Twitter?

8) Teens of Denial, by Car Seat Headrest: So like. I know Beach Slang. I love Beach Slang. I didn't necessarily need a 70-minute version of a Beach Slang album when I could have listened to a Beach Slang album like three times in that same span. I like a lot of this. There's just so much, though. None of these songs should be six minutes long, but like all of them are, though. I don't recall my own adolescence being this meandering. It lasted seven years and every emotion was felt intensely. I don't know what the hell kind of teens these dudes are talking about.

9) Anomalisa, dir. Charlie Kaufman & Duke Johnson: imagine if charlie kaufman had been writing animated movies this whole time. it might've been the best and worst thing if charlie kaufman had always been trying to access the full range of his imagination. This made for a kinda cool double bill with The End of the Tour. A quite depressing double bill, a double bill centered around the concept of loneliness, but hey, these are the movies I watch. There was a line in The End of the Tour about how shy people are inherently self-absorbed, their inability to relate to others causing them to retreat deep into their own mind, and Anomalisa is sort of that line fleshed out into its own thing, how loneliness can spiral deeper and deeper until you're not even able to tell other people apart. The man is trying to find a connection, but the second he finds it, he starts looking for flaws, and once he sees his connection as a person and not just an idea, they become just another person, and it's this sad, beautiful idea, the fact of this lonely man letting his loneliness spin so deep into self-absorption that he can't even stand the thought of a companion being flawed. (There's also the fact that, when his connection presents their insecurities, he's willing to say he forgives them for those flaws, but when something comes up the connection hasn't previously disclosed, it irks him and causes him to lose that connection. He wants to be the one to wipe away the tears, but he doesn't want to be the one to live with a fork clicking against teeth, and the more I'm thinking about that, the more subtly evil I think the main character is, how he's chasing the big moments but can't stand to live in an actual world with real people.) This is a movie about a bad person with a misanthropic attitude. It's beautiful! Check it out, team! I gave it $20 when it was just an idea, and baby, I'm glad I funded a stop-motion cunnilingus scene!