#imagine sitting up and typing this like you know what I’m doing irl go straight to hell LMAO

[btsugarush]

why do you keep posting new story ideas and never actually write them, you've like tons of them and you haven't even started writing the 000

Why are you worried about what I do on my blog? It’s called wip (work in progress), and I’m allowed to post them. The “000” are teasers and I’m currently writing those as we speak, so you sound dumb talking about “you haven’t even started writing the 000”. Don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing but fixed your fingers to type this corny ass ask. I’ve already stated that ain’t shit getting started until Gangsta is finished. If you got a problem you’re very welcome to get the fuck on, bookie. You will not be missed or remembered. 🩷

[jonnnysuh]

could we get along with svt in real life?

A collaborative series by @vernonsnostrils and me (Nala)!

A/N: Lately Bee and I have been doing daily rankings for fun and we decided to share our very very specific and dumb insights with all of you. For this one we're ranking who we think could tolerate us......... <3 Warning: Dumb info ahead

NALA:

13.Wonwoo – looks scary. I also have a rbf so imagine us together omg. Everyone would think we’re vampires. No one would want to be friends with us so we’d only have each other.

12.Woozi – I feel like I know nothing about him :-( He’s an amazing musician, and does come off as a little tiny bit mischievous. I feel like Woozi is the type of guy I have every class with but then we graduate never saying a word to each other.

11. Jun – I think Jun is funny as hell but he’s so quiet. I’d want to be his friend but I wouldn’t know how to approach him. Everyone loves him tho so he has his pick of friends and it does not include me LMAO

10. Jeonghan – (this one kind of doesn't make sense bc he should be higher on the list,, but also?? i'm the one who made this list so fite me) but I think that me and him are pretty similar. We both have a side that’s devious and wants to create havoc but we’re also the mom friend that takes care of everyone and with that I feel like we’d butt heads/ be the designated parents which is EW I am 20 years old,, I'm no one's mommy YUCK.

9. Joshua – he’s also quiet but I know he has a good sense of humour!!!! Hypes up my bad ideas bc he’s not involved -- but he will be giving me a thumbs up in the sidelines. I feel like he’s the type to make me text the guy I have a crush on “Just do it. What do you have to lose?” UM my dignity??? Tf Josh.

8.DK – The human version of a “pick-me-up” He is so “no thoughts, head empty” and I am too. Let’s go cloud watching !!!!!!!!! Let’s pick flowers !!!! A good friend to text on a bad day bc he will literally tell you the most embarrassing thing that happened to him, and even though you’ve heard it before it’ll still make you laugh.

7. The8 – simple, really. He likes art and I love art. He likes fashion, I like fashion. I feel like we could talk shit together LMAO. He has the most specific roasts but they’re always on point. I need someone who’s a little bit mean in my life <3

6. Mingyu – I know I could bully him jokingly and he’d take it (bc he knows I’m joking) but it wouldn’t stop him from pouting a bit. I feel like he’d be scared of me at first LMAO. We both share the hobby of photography so my ideal day out with him is just wandering around with cameras and taking pics of things we think are beautiful. Also forcing each other to pose in front of a dirty brick wall bc “IT LOOKS COOL, TRUST ME.” “WAIT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO POSE THO” and then he’d literally have to mold me into a good pose bc I am Play-doh

5. Vernon – The calm to my crazy, convinces me not to beat someone’s ass. Walks into my room to say nothing else but “Spaghetti” and then leaves quietly. Doesn’t talk to me for 5 months but will send me a meme at 5am bc it reminded him of an inside joke we had. Live-texts his emotions to me while watching tv shows, and shares new conspiracy theories with me. He’s a little bit too chill, I need someone ready to fuck shit up.

4. S Coups – is reliable and gives good advice bc he’s also a ball of anxiety. Nags me to do the right thing. Messes with me a lot. Would stay on the phone with me if I was home alone and told him I heard a noise. Says “Calm down there’s no one there.” BUT he’d also say shit like “check under your bed”

3. Seungkwan– I feel like we’re just as annoying as each other. He has the biggest heart and is super encouraging and thoughtful. Half the time we’re joking around, and the other half we’re fighting. Very much love-hate. Capricorns and virgos are a superior duo. I said it.

2. Hoshi– all round good vibes. Chaos and Loudness matched. Doesn’t always have to be around a lot of people bc he creates the fun when it’s just us two. The kind of friend I practice flirting on and everyone’s like ??? “You’re in love with him” no bro I’m just bored… we just do this kind of shit and he is IMMUNE to my lovey antics by now.

1.Dino– We bully each other a lot but we also have each other’s backs. Definitely not ride or dies tho bc we will tell each other when the other fucked up. We are sarcastic dumb dumbs and that’s why we like each other. I feel like he would only tell me how much he cares about me on my birthday.

BEE:

13. mingyu – i literally don’t know what i would say to mingyu. “tall man” or “what up big boy.” i would be scared of him until someone taught me how not to be. like i gotta hang out with him in a group setting for three months straight until i can say hi to him when i enter a room. if i saw him i would simply just Not See Him.

12. wonwoo – like mingyu i don’t know if i’d have anything to say to him. him and mingyu both have popular high school boy personalities and that scares me.

11. josh – besides being californian, i don’t know if we’d have anything to talk about outside of in n out and traffic. he’s too pretty for me.

10. The8 – i feel like we’ve been over this for me. he’s too intellectual and polite i wouldn’t have much to say to him. but i feel like we could talk good shit about other people.

9. jun – i think i get along well with people with quiet funny personalities. like the kind where you don’t have to necessarily say anything but look at them and they’re telling you what they’re thinking. he knows that i know. so he kept reacting and looking at me. i think it’d take a while to develop a friendship though.

8. jeonghan – i wanna cause chaos with jeonghan. i want to do lots of things with jeonghan i feel like he would give me piggyback rides while sliding with his socks on the floor. he would tease me and i would be offended for five minutes while he pretends to tell me he’s sorry (he’s not).

7. dino – dino and i would be like twins building a sandcastle on the beach. that’s our vibe. like the kids you meet on vacation and play pirates with at the pool. relegated to the kids table kind of vibe.

6. scoups – he’s like the type to play catch with the stuffed animal in the room while we sit on the floor and chat. like he just arrived and is asking me about my day and picks it up from my bed and we throw it around while talking.

5. seungkwan – i think seungkwan and i could sit and talk outside on the patio when the stars are bright. like we could sit outside and stare out at the stars while i talk about my biggest dreams and don’t even need to see him to know that he thinks the world of me

4. hoshi – i see a lot of face masks. hoshi teaches me how to dance while they rest on our faces, but they keep sliding off because we’re laughing too hard. he has immaculate vibes, like the type to say “here for a good time not for a long time” but it’s an absolute lie because he’s there for both.

3. woozi – although i like to joke that he’s an evil little man, i think we could talk a lot about music and he would be very happy to teach me what he knows, and we’d spend a lot of time developing ideas and growing together.

2. vernon – he has the personality of my irl best friend, like a slightly chaotic aquarius who is horrendously hard to reach like 99% of the time. he’s the kind of guy who would try to make dinner but end up fucking it up so horribly that when i come in it’s like smoky and awful and the fire alarm is going off, so i have to air out the apartment and go get takeout and bring it home to my burned smelling apartment and eat it on the floor of the living room while binge watching a new netflix show.

1. dk – i just love the kind of joy and energy he radiates, like would be excited to do anything at all if it’s with me. would love to accompany me on any task if i just asked, like getting ice cream at 10pm and he’d know exactly what kind of flavor he’d get so it could accompany mine well when we inevitably switched halfway through the cone. saves the bottom of the cone, the chocolate tip, for me because he knows it’s my favorite.

[raspberryranpo]

Heyy may i request Russian caravan tea or chai tea with obey me brothers? Love your headcanons ^^ Stay safe xx

obey me brothers & russian caravan + chai tea

obey me! shall we date?: obey me brothers

russian caravan tea: how experienced are they with relationships?

chai tea: how do they spice up their relationship?

i’ve been watching jojo with my dad & i’ve just noticed that joseph, smokey & caesar are voiced by the voices of lorenz, akechi/hubert & nagito 😭 dead

——> tea prompts

LUCIFER

how experienced are they with relationships?

he’s experienced all right. he’s had many a partner, but most of his relationships weren’t really centred around love

he probably finds it hard to love someone genuinely with his stubborn pride and all that

but he knows exactly what he’s doing and how to go about things - he’s very attentive

how do they spice up their relationship?

lucifer is very stubborn and doesn’t like to admit his true feelings - we all know that, so to spice up his relationship, he’d probably give in and just tell you exactly how he feels

it has to happen when he’s tired, he will not do it otherwise; it definitely cannot be around his brothers, either

you’ll both be lying in his bed & he’ll be telling you how much he cares for you and how much he appreciates all that you’ve done for himself and the people around him

MAMMON

how experienced are they with relationships?

mammon’s definitely had quite a few partners of his own, too

i bet that mammon always falls quickly and deeply for someone, which leads to him always getting really upset over breakups that he causes himself

so yes, he’s had partners, and he knows what he’s doing. doesn’t mean he won’t cry his eyes out if he upsets you at any point though

how do they spice up their relationship?

i’ve heard somewhere that when the avatar of greed likes you, you’ll find yourself being surrounded by riches (or something along those lines)

so that obviously means that mammon likes to buy you pretty things whenever he thinks of you, right??

maybe he’ll get decide you deserve bigger & get you a holiday to somewhere fun in the human world with an extra ticket (in case you decide to bring along your favourite demon)

LEVIATHAN

how experienced are they with relationships?

not at all. he probably has not had a single girlfriend for longer than a few days because they quickly realise how bad his envy can get

he’s dated online girls. by online girls i mean anime girls because he’s probably just as awkward on mic to girls as he is irl

levi likes to think that he knows what he’s doing, though. he definitely does not, so you’ll have to coach him through this because he doesn’t think he’ll get very far

how do they spice up their relationship?

to spice up his relationship, levi’ll probably just take you somewhere where he wouldn’t normally take you

i mean, there’s no way he’s leaving his room or going any further than the arcade. there’s no chance.

levi probably designs some sort of game in which you both get sucked in & visit all of your favourite places, and at the end, he sucks up his awkwardness and tells you how much he seriously appreciates you

SATAN

how experienced are they with relationships?

satan’s probably had a few significant others over the years, but not any that he actually cared about

but he reads a load of books every day, and he’s probably one of those types of people that can just imagine how to do things & do it perfectly

he doesn’t need experience when he’s got a mind like that

how do they spice up their relationship?

most of your dates are quiet cafe dates, or you both sit in his room reading together, or you both wander off and bug lucifer for a bit

so to change things up, he takes you somewhere a bit more exciting - maybe to a fair ground, or an abandoned cave full of lost spells

holds your hand constantly, wherever you go - he says it’s to make sure that you don’t get lost, but he just really wants to hold your hand

ASMODEUS

how experienced are they with relationships?

asmo is very experienced with relationships... but not of the romantic kind

i mean, he’s had a few romantic partners, but never for too long since commitment probably isn’t his kind of thing

but you’re very different. he’s said before that he feels an attraction to you like he’s never felt before

what do they do to spice up their relationship?

i think we all know what asmo’s ideal date is, so i’m not going to say it

but he’s not ALL about that. i mean, sure, he lives for that kind of thing, but he also loves doing little things with you that don’t have to lead up to that, you know?

he’d take you to a small cafe on the edge of town, where neither of you will be bothered, and you’d sit there & talk about whatever you like for hours

BEELZEBUB

how experienced are they with relationships?

beel probably did have quite a few partners before he met you - he is a demon, and one of the strongest in the devildom, but he has the biggest heart out of all of his brothers

he knows what he’s doing but that doesn’t mean he’ll do it all that well

he just gets kind of nervous around you at times - he cares so much about you that he constantly worries that he’s not doing the best he can

how do they spice up their relationship?

when asmo told him that he should change things up & spice up his relationship, his mind went straight to curry and spicy chicken and peppers.... oh....

but he knew what he meant. so immediately he started planning something exciting, something different - a short hike to see the stars!!

he’s a romantic like that. when you get there, he shows you his & belphie’s stars, the stars of his brothers, and he even names some constellations that you’ve never even heard of before

BELPHEGOR

how experienced are they with relationships?

you really think belphie has the will to get out of bed and talk to someone other than his brothers?

absolutely none. he could not care less about relationships and the like (well, before now, that is)

he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. please help him

how do they spice up their relationship?

by actually getting out of bed for once, obviously

his ideal date is just lounging around in bed all day, and since he feels a bit bad that nothing else ever happens, he’d take you out to a fancy restaurant somewhere

he knows that fancy restaurants are always romantic date spots, so he makes sure to constantly make you feel loved while you’re both in there by throwing compliments at you left, right & centre

[bts-reveries]

expect the unexpected | 23

“It’s okay hyung, everything’s going to be okay. Don’t worry about anything.” 

Taehyung’s words ran through Jin’s mind over and over as he sat in Soojin’s room, helping her with her math.

“Three,” Soojin says, answering the seventh problem on her paper. Jin shakes his head.

“No, why would it be three? Try again. Hyunmin has TWO apples but Sewan gives him TWO more. How many apples does Hyunmin have now?” Jin says, repeating the problem again.

“Uncle Yoongi says if you don’t know the answer, it’s always three!” Soojin argues, causing Jin to roll his eyes. 

“Don’t listen to him, he doesn’t like school. Hold on, let me grab some actual apples from the kitchen so we could do this visually.” Jin gets up from the floor, walking out of the room. He looks at you two’s shared room as he enters the hallway, seeing that the door is now open.

-

“Minseok, hand me my phone please,” you say. You were currently sitting at your desk, typing away on your laptop. You had a new client and a bedroom to design. The aesthetic she’s asking for is called Grand Millennial. It’s beautiful. She wants blues and pinks, and gold of course. She just sent you a pinterest board of furniture she likes and photos as to how she wants the room to look like. You typically do this with all of your clients, encouraging them to make pinterest boards on what they want to have in their homes. It makes it easier for you to know what they want and in the end they’re always happy with the outcome. 

You’re seeing a lot of paintings here that she pinned and you had the idea to recommend Taehyung to her. A customized piece would complete the whole look of her dream bedroom. She’d get both the look she wants and also a personalized piece. 

Now she wasn’t the only client. You have another one you’re working with but this one gives you a headache. 

This one doesn’t know what she wants, yet when you give her options she doesn’t like any of them. So right now you’re trying to get to know her so maybe you can help suggest some things that go along with her interests. 

But she takes about 2-3 business days just to reply to your messages. Also mentioned she’s not a phone call person so calling her doesn’t help when it goes straight to voicemail. 

You sigh, rubbing your temples.

“Minseok, did you hear me?” You ask, turning around. Minseok was in your room, sitting on your bed as he read. He said Haneul kept bugging him and wanted to be with you for some peace and quiet. This was before you put Haneul down for a nap.

Now you’re looking at an empty bed. No traces of your son but the book next to your phone on your side table. 

“Nevermind,” you mumble, getting up instead. He probably went to the kitchen or something to grab a snack. 

Once got up you suddenly felt dizzy. “Ah.” You have been working for a few hours straight, and didn't eat lunch.

“O- ow,” you say, wincing as your head starts to pound. You close your eyes, holding onto your head with one hand and grabbing on to your bed with the other for support. Your legs were starting to shake and you tried to sit back down on your chair but missed.

-

THUD.

“Woah what was that,” Minseok says, turning to the hallway. Jin was looking as well when they heard a loud sound coming from one of the rooms. They were both standing around the kitchen counter. He was grabbing the apples for Soojin and Minseok was trying to get a tangerine from the same fruit basket.

“Haneul?” Jin calls, “Are you okay?” Haneul was down for a nap, but Jin thought he might’ve woken up or something, maybe even fell.

“I’m going to go back to mommy’s room,” Minseok says, running off.

“Okay, I’ll check on your brother.”

The two quickly walked to the hallway. Minseok went ahead of Jin while Jin entered Haneul’s room. 

“Haneul?” He says, walking into his room. Haneul was still asleep on his bed. “Huh.”

“DADDY!” Minseok yelled. Jin’s eyes widened as he heard the panic in his son’s voice.

He immediately runs to your room, his heart beating faster and faster. 

“Mommy’s not waking up,” Minseok says, kneeling next to you on the floor, shaking your arm. 

“What happened?” Soojin says, standing from the doorway.

“Minseok go get your brother, and Soojin go grab your jackets and put on your shoes,” Jin says in panic, hooking his arm behind your back and under your knees. He quickly picks you up, heading to the garage. 

-

“Haneul, wake up!” Minseok says, shaking his brother, he runs around his room, grabbing a coat and his slip ons. Haneul blinks his eyes open slowly, turning to the side and watching his brother run up to him.

“Put this on,” Minseok says, pulling Haneul upwards. He hurriedly puts the coat on his brother and shoves his feet into his shoes. 

“Oppa hurry,” Soojin says, running to Minseok. She was already dressed, shoes on and a hoodie. “Here,” she says, giving him his own shoes and his own hoodie. 

Minseok hurriedly throws on the clothes and Soojin pulls Haneul off of the bed. 

“Let’s go!” She says, running to the garage while she dragged Haneul behind her.

“Come on, hurry,” Jin says. Running towards the kids and grabbing Haneul. Minseok runs in front of him and jumps into the van. You were sitting unconscious in the seat Soojin’s car seat usually is. 

“Soojin you’re going to sit in the back with Minseok okay,” Jin says, securing Haneul into his carseat. Which was next to the seat you were sitting in.

“Mommy,” Haneul says in a raspy voice. Poor baby, he just woke up and has no idea what was going on.

“Yeah, mommy is not feeling well so we’re going to take her to the hospital okay?” Jin calmly tells Haneul. “Are you two buckled up?” He asks his two oldest, moving his head to the side. They both give him two thumbs up. “Okay good. Minseok, here's my phone,” he says, handing his cellphone to his oldest. “Call uncle Jungkook and let him know that we’re going to the hospital because mommy fainted. Tell him to let the others know and if any of them could come and help.”

“Okay,” he says, taking the phone from his dad. Jin quickly hops out and closes the back door and hops onto the driver's seat.

“Is mommy going to be okay?”

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

expect the unexpected

♡ part twenty-three: don’t worry ♡ 

pairings: ceo, dad!jin x interior designer, mom!reader

a/n: i don’t have anything to say except😭 the part with haneul makes my sister and i laugh bc of this one picture his irl mom posted on instagram once when he just woke up and that’s all we can imagine

taglist: @silentlyimpractical @jillianmarie @waddlebby @cecedrake2217 @ddofa @samros95 @sope-and-shine @joonjoonsmiles @codeinebelle @aianloveseven @Chamchamcham @princessjazzyjazz @notvantaes @casspirit0705 @ramyagovindraj @brinnalaine @ephyra1230 @betysotelo18 @thoughtfultaledreamer @salty-for-suga @cosmicdaylight @dreamcatcherjiah @kookoo-kachoo @justinetingball  @josierosie @jayhope88 @butterflylion @hobiismyhopeu @momma-said-that-it-was-oke @ygbubs @catspancake  @somewhereofftheglobe @strawberryforever25 @rjsmochii @prdshobi @beeeb05 @eatjeanjin @taekookcaneatme @Cheeely14 @kookietsukkie @anpanman-sonyeondan @glitteringcoffeefreak @chocobetterknot @alpaca1612 @ohmy-fandoms @liljooniecutie @Jikachoo @preciouschimine @fan-ati--c @Joondala @httpmuffin @dammit-jjk @jikooksgirl19

TAGLIST IS CLOSED!

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[nefoe-dd]

SO SMT AU AM I RIGHT GAMERS

I mentioned this in the tags of another post and joked about it in Discord but my brain went brrrr during my last class of the day and now I lowkey have a full plot starting to form lol.

Keep in mind the only Shin Megami Tensei game I’ve played myself is the Nocturne remake, plus I only really remember bits of the plot of 4 and whatever we’ve been given so far of 5 so I’m not super well versed in the series.

Also I’ll add this to the tags too but DSMP Spoilers specifically for the contents of Techno’s Will exist in this post, because that is where the idea for this came from. A lot of other JRPGs have similar plotlines but I specifically thought of SMT because its kind of a meme specifically for that at this point how the plot always seems to have the same type ending bosses. 

Also some spoilers for Shin Megami Tensei IV

ANYWAYS

Now Presenting: An AU where Techno’s Limbo is an SMT Game lol

(Under a ‘Read More’ because it got way ahead of me)

An Introduction to Relevant SMT terminology:

Demons: Makes up a large majority of the characters in the game. They are the enemies that you face in combat, and its possible to recruit them to your team through various means. Some demons exist in the overworld though, and can be talked to normally, they’re chill most of the time, unless you do something to tick them off. ‘Demon’ is not taken literally by the Christian definition, they are based off of various figures in folklore and religion around the world, some are even based on Gods and Angels.

Law vs Chaos: Many SMT games have multiple endings based on these two alignments, along with the neutral alignment. It is usually decided by some important decisions the player makes throughout the game. I’m most aware of the SMT 4 ending, in which the route you are on decides the final dungeon, the character you team with for the ending, and the final boss (its either Satan or the in-game version of God). It’s based off of the traditional interpretation of these two, where Law represents the importance of authority, and Chaos represents the importance of freedom. 

Another note is that a lot of SMT games take place in a post-apocalyptic world of some kind, which, spoiler, is the case here.

General Plot Details and Worldbuilding:

- Techno dies in the prison. The stasis chamber fails and Quackity succeeds in killing him. Permanently. 

- Despite dying, he wakes up again in the main prison cell, but things are different. The lava isn’t blocking the entrance anymore, (in fact there isn’t any lava at all), and he’s alone. Upon peering outside the main cell, he notices a bit of sky peeking through the prison ceiling, like it had been broken into. 

- The drop down to the bottom floor is long, but he’s dead, so he just shrugs and jumps down so he can see what’s going on. Turns out there are several holes in this part of the prison, in fact there are multiple on the ground, likely where the lava had escaped from. (Obviously Minecraft lava specifically doesn’t work like that, I’m pretty sure in the DreamSMP the bottom is all source blocks, but just ignore that bit). 

- He exits from the back wall of the prison, and everything there so far looks normal, except for the fact that there appears to be less trees than normal. Of the trees that are still there, many of them were cut down and never collected, and some appear to have fallen over due to some damage.

- Techno goes around the prison to the front, and that’s when he notices some things that are very wrong. Various parts of the prison, not just the main cell, are also sitting destroyed. Many cracks, scuff marks and full-on chunks are missing on the walls. The usual entrance which houses the nether portal is hardly still standing, and he can see straight into the main lobby where the portal would lead into once you were let through. 

- The surrounding areas are not much better. Tommy’s outpost is toppled over in the distance, only the base and bottom floor are left standing. The tents near the beach are collapsed and destroyed, the only remnants of one of them is a small piece of fabric ripped from the main bit and laying on the ground. Skeppy and Badboyhalo’s mansion is crumbling where it stands, half of the back wall and ceiling are gone. And that’s only what’s visible from here. 

- The rest of the server is also in various states of destruction, the spawn walls are hardly left standing, the main nether portal area is covered in potholes, none of the portals are active. The prime path is rotted and broken in most areas, the buildings along it are not faring much better than the ones he’d seen before. And the further he gets away from the prison, the more the plants themselves appear to be dead or dying. 

- L’manburg’s crater looks much the same as it once did right after its destruction, albeit with more debris at the bottom which had fallen from the sides as they slowly eroded. The flag at the bottom is torn up and discoloured, honestly its hardly recognizable. The nature that had finally begun to reclaim the land has slowly been dying instead over time, and the bridge overtop has completely collapsed. The only thing still standing, is the ever present obsidian grid that looms over it in the sky. He supposes that whatever disaster had caused this wasn’t able to reach that high up, or that it was at least in part done by someone that liked the way it looked. Not that there seems to be a need for the reminder anymore. 

- Something something, he finds out DreamXD is here, and that he might have had something to do with how this world looks. And as much as it shouldn’t matter in the afterlife, he did promise Phil he would be killing God sooooo he goes on a mission to do just that. He can do pretty much anything now that he really doesn’t have to worry about dying, so why not. He has no reason to care about some God, especially when they’re the only ones left.

- Some DSMP people hang around the world and are represented by certain demons, the mostly chill ones that kinda just hang around in the apocalyptic scenery. They don’t recognize him, it isn’t really the people he knows after all, but they are willing to talk to him since they can tell he isn’t human either. He learns little bits of what happened through them, and learns where DreamXD resides, that being one of the strongholds that’s a bit further out. 

- Unfortunately, due to the portals being inactive, and his inability to break anything efficiently, or even at all, he has to travel using the overworld. Along the way he manages to speak to some others, this allows him to better locate where the God is, although it doesn’t seem to be hiding out. He even sees it sometimes flying around, which he uses to follow where its hiding. 

- Some of the random demons he runs into recognize that he’s not supposed to be here (according to them at least), so he has to fight his way through them. Luckily, many of the friendly demons that he talks to end up tagging along in order to help, thus making up a team he can use to get through them instead.

 - There’s probably a demon that seems to resemble Phil somewhere, living alone (alone for so so long) away from everyone in an arctic house perhaps. If I wanted to really up the angst, the demon takes a liking to Techno right away, which is partly how Techno is able to tell its him so quickly. The more they talk, the more Techno realizes how lonely the Phil he knows must be without him there, how upset he’d be once he reads the will and finds out what happened to him. Thus he’s more motivated to, you know, fight God, in an attempt to figure out what the hell happened. (DXD is the only entity existing here that also exists where he’s from, he can guess pretty easily that maybe, just maybe, they are one and the same). Thus, he is given a choice that he knows he will have to make in the future. 

- Eventually he manages to find the stronghold and comes face to face with DreamXD himself. DreamXD is just kinda chillin there, they fight, through DreamXD doesn’t seem to be putting in too much effort, almost like it does not want to win. 

- Techno wins (duh), and he is left with a choice, a choice to finish the job, or spare the god and allow it to go free. And, well, he feels that he doesn’t really have the right to decide whether it lives or dies, and while its possible that DreamXD caused whatever disaster created the current state of the world, but he doesn’t know that for sure. DreamXD has done nothing this whole time he’s been here, and its done nothing to him or his companions.

- He chooses to leave it alone, and DreamXD seems to know that it was always going to end that way. 

- DreamXD disappears, and Techno wakes up in the cell again post-revival, the prison and the world around it is the same as he remembers

(I don’t remember the exact real-world to limbo time difference but I imagine that it felt like, a day, maybe half that, while irl it was only a few minutes to an hour.)

Some other notes/details:

- The other possible ending would have resulted in Techno killing DreamXD and being given ANOTHER choice to take its power over the world, or just leave and stay there forever. Basically DreamXD’s existence is vital to the power of the revival book, and it’s death would have resulted in Dream not being successful in his revival attempts. Obviously we have no idea how the powers actually work yet, but I just came up with an explanation because I thought it would be interesting. You can decide on your own which of these endings fall into Law, Chaos or Neutral because uh, its complicated given the scenario. You can also decide if letting DreamXD live even fits into his character! Idk! But its not like DreamXD’s being oppressive by any means, not that there’s anyone to oppress here anyways. That’s my logic anyways.

- I don’t know what demons would represent specific people, I’d like to use one of the Angels for Phil but the Demons based on Angels usually have an important role in the plot that is in line with the Law alignment and like, protecting god or whatever, so no. There are a couple bird ones but idk if they fit the vibe, idk it could work, I’d have to look at a list if I want to go into this further.

- I kinda want Eret to be an Inugami because it’s body does that thing that ferret’s do when they’re all stretched out :) The only reason I’m hesitant is because Inugami is a dog, and Goose deserves representation.

- The reason I imagined for why Techno can’t break anything is because the mining fatigue lasted throughout this because he died with it, it’d get in the way of fighting too but at least it isn’t weakness, and he’s not alone either.

Uhhhhh that’s it for now I think!

(will potentially add to this if I figure something else out in the future)

[dystopian-penguin]

Is this a real life story? Is this a fic concept? Who knows 🤷

But here’s a very long account of... something.

This isn't a gay disaster story. It's a gay sad ending story. It's a gay "self-homophobia is very real and realistic” story, and not in the "gay panic is kinda cute" way.

It all started 14 years ago (yes that long), when I was still deeply in the HP fandom and even more deep into reading James/Lilly fics in ff.net all day long. For the first time in my entire life I decided to sort by “all works” and not just “completed”. I know it might sound super silly, and even a bit cliche considering this is tumblr and we live and breath fics, but that single decision literally changed the course of my life. And unlike what I usually do, I am not exaggerating. I found this one fic that must have had, like, 20 chapters and almost 100k words and dived into it without looking for rocks in the bottom. Long story short: the last posted chapter ended on a huuuuuge cliffhanger, like the very next moment after the kiss, and it left me completely destroyed.

So I did what I always do, what I am known on tumblr and my small social circle in here to do: I went to scream at the author.

But I wasn’t content to just scream in the comment section, oh no. For all I knew the bitch wouldn’t even see it, the last update had been from like 8 months previously. So I stalked her ff.net profile and found her MSN email. Yes, the story is THAT old.

My literal first words to her must have been something akin to “OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH”, which yay for the beautiful poetic irony that the universe crafts at times. She took it in stride because, let’s face it, a shitton of people had already greeted her like that by then. And we started talking, and it was easy and fun. We had a lot in common, more or less the same type of interests, the usual you’d expect if I had met her on tumblr even. We must have talked like 3 hours straight on that first day, and I left feeling pretty good cause I had made a new friend. Not only that, but right off the bat I admired her so much. Not only because she was talented as fuck (imagine writing a 100k unfinished fic at only 15 y/o), but also because the more I talked to her the more I could see just how fucking cultured she was and how intelligent and ect. She came from a wealthy family and such a different reality from me. She had been abroad, in fact she usually travelled abroad with her family like twice a year, she was fluent in english even then (at that point I was I intermediate at best), not to mention german because her family was german. She was 15 (a year older than me back then) and trilingual and could write wonderfully and I was fascinated by her instantly.

Something else worth of note was that her profile pic on the day we met had been set to a close-up of a blue eye. I must have asked on that very same day whose eye was that because damn if it hasn’t been the prettiest blue I’ve ever seen. I mean, I hadn’t told her that, but I was curious enough to ask. And as everyone and their grandmother might have guessed by now, it was hers.

Somehow (and I truly don’t know HOW), we got into the habit of talking every day, or at least very close to it. I got to know about her daily life, just one state south from where I live and sooooo much colder than what I had ever experienced. She went to a swiss school, fully bilingual, was the first in her year in the IB program which for the love of crap I didn’t even know it existed back then. Might not ever have known if I never met her. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers, and back then SMS messages were like 1,50 bucks for inter-state ones. Our mothers were not happy.

Around a year and a half went by this way. She became my best friend, my rock. We both had a shitton of problems in your high school lives and in our family lives, and we were so relieved to know there was someone out there we could share those with. In the meantime she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, ironically just a few months before I had my very first kiss. When she broke up with her boyfriend she was absolutely devastated (they had been together almost a year or so), and relied on me a lot back then. Which I was more than happy to support because for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like I was actually part of someone’s life. I didn’t feel like I ever bothered her, like I was ever intruding in her life. I felt like I was truly part of her world, like she actually remembered my existence when I was not around, and at now-16 years of age that had literally been the first time I had felt that. I never had a true friend before her. Not sure I ever did after her either.

On easter 2008 we finally convinced our moms to let us meet. Her family had a whole goddamn country house with a huge plot of land, so it was decided I was gonna visit her first. So I got semi-sedated and got into my first plane ride EVER, and for those of you that are reading this and know me (although I doubt anyone is reading at all), you know how terrified of planes I am. You know how BIG of a gesture it is for me to get into a fucking plane for the first time in my life for a person.

I already knew she was pretty. I mean, we had talked on the webcam a couple of times before (just a few times because the internet back then was really terrible). The blue eyes I mentioned, and the most fucking beautiful silky blonde hair you’ve ever seen. But when I saw her the first time on that airport it still took my breath away. Even more, what truly surprised me, was the huge smile she gave as soon as she saw me out of the gate and she rushed to hug me. I was paralyzed. I mean yes I was happy and hugged her back, which was a huge deal because back then I was not touchy feely at all (and she was VERY). But I was paralyzed. Because I had never in my entire 16 years of age seen anyone smile that big or that brightly at seeing me. Hell, I suppose I had never seen anyone smile that brightly at all. As the day progressed she was so legit happy that I was there, and I could never fully wrap my head around it. We drove to her house and her mom took the long way just so they could show me all the interesting spots in her city, and she shared tidbits of her daily life that I still didn’t know, despite us being so close, because those are the things you only learn by actually being next to the person irl. Later on she introduced me to her two best friends in school, and we all decided to watch a horror movie.

Yes, it’s THAT cliche.

Now, you see, I’m absolutely fucking impervious to horror movies. Yes I get jumpscared just as much as anyone else, but I don’t get scared. So I was sitting there a bit lowkey bored, narrating the entire plot of the movie and what would happen a few scenes before it did because the movie was just that easy to guess. And she had taken complete ownership of my left arm the entire time, being half super scared and half impressed I could guess every single thing on the plot. Later on she apologized for not letting go of my arm because she knew I wasn’t as touchy feely as she was, and I was once again taken aback because I come from a ridiculously touchy-feely country and NO ONE ever apologizes for it or respects my boundaries on it.

The next day we wake up bright and early to go to her ranch-thingy. She slept on top of me on the car almost all the way there. I must have woken up like a whole hour before her but didn’t move at all.

I’m a city slick. I’m a huge city slick, through and through. Which means I am both fascinated and absolutely terrified on any plot of grass bigger than a garden. And her country house was fucking amazing. I had only experienced the true freedom of being in nature a few times in my life, and she made sure to show me every nook and crane of the forest surrounding it. Because yes it was a forest and not a jungle like where I lived, and that made it all the more magical.

But the truly one magical thing in the entire 4-days weekend was the stars. You see, I am absolutely in love with the stars. It’s stupid to say something like this when I was retelling the greatest love story of my life, but the stars are my one true love. I got my first telescope when I was five years old. My mother cannot for the life of her explain where I got this obsession from. She always said I was already born that way. So I find myself for the first time in my life with the least amount of light pollution I’ve ever been subject to in my entire life (even nowadays). For the first time in my life I has actually been able to see the Milky Way with my own two eyes. And what made everything even more impressive was that it was a full moon, and the night sky still looked as incredible as it’s supposed to look. Honestly it might have been a great contender to the beauty of her blue eyes.

The moment I remember the most is us laying down on some beach towels (no idea why they had those in the countryside), stargazing for hours at end. By then we were two full states to the south of mine, so I believe the technical definition of what I was feeling is fucking freezing my inexistent balls off. I had gotten dressed in just some jeans and a tshirt way before the sun set, and I was dammed if I was gonna interrupt our stargazing to go put on some decent clothes. I remember her asking a few times if I was cold, and I also remember myself lying through my teeth saying I had gotten used to it by then. Blatant lies, my nipples could cut through fucking glass at the moment. But I wasn’t gonna interrupt it because it was just the two of us on a grassy clearing, her family was at least 200m away and we couldn't even hear them anymore and it was just us and the stars and her hands were so close to mine that I could feel the heat (the only source of it for my beach-town ass I suppose). It was the perfect fucking moment. The moment most people dream of having their entire lives. I have no idea how long we stayed there, but it was a few hours for sure. Her mom had to call us back inside, and nothing broke my heart more. We talked about anything and everything. I told her what I knew of astronomy and I could see for the first time I was fascinating her with knowledge. Because I had always felt and will always feel like a peasant in the presence of a princess when it comes to her. With how cultured and educated and just fucking smart she always had been. But as I told her of the constellations (sometimes grabbing her hand to point to the stars and make her spot them better), and proclaimed my love for the night sky, she listened. She listened and I had never felt heard before in my life. She listened and I felt I had managed to make her fall in love with the stars a little bit by just talking about them.

She listened and I felt I had managed to make myself fall in love in her a little bit by just seeing the way she looked at me as I talked.

All good things come to an end and time had come for me to go back home. I will never forget how she hugged me goodbye on that same airport. Where I had seen the brightest smile on my life and now I could see she was holding back tears for me. Because I was leaving. I was important enough in someone’s life that they were about to cry because I wasn’t going to be around anymore. She way she whispered “I’m gonna miss you so much” on my ear, on such a low note I am sure it was just so her mother wouldn’t hear her, and her voice will haunt me for the rest of my life. She told me a few days later that she did cry on her way to school that morning.

After this it was near impossible to not be with her at all times. We texted constantly, and used to talk like 2 whole hours on the phone before bed. Once again I must remind you this was 2008 so it was no cheap business. Her mother started to try to separate us a bit, insisting she didn’t contact me as much, even tho I was sure the one who could not afford those phone bills, not her. It all culminated on what was ironically (or perhaps planned by her mother?) brazilian Valentine’s day (we are the only country in the world that celebrates in on St. Anthony’s day, which is June 12th). It was the first day in almost two years we didn’t talk at all, because of how much her mother had nagged her about it. The next day we talked as if we had been separated by a war for a decade.

I’m gonna take a break here to let everyone know that no, I did not think I was in love with her back then. I don’t think she knew either, but it’s hard to tell.

Her mother planned her entire july winter break to the minute just so she could spend the least amount of time in my house as possible. We got 5 days instead of the previous 4. But her mother came up with a ridiculous amount of trips for the family. She visit 3 different countries (and a whole different state inside her own country) within 30 fucking days. That’s how bad it had gotten then. Our SMSs had to be cut down to just two or three a day because of it.

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because when she arrived at my house (her family had insisted in meeting mine before letting her stay) I was able to see from three floors up how brightly she had smiled at seeing me again.

I’ll make this part short: we stayed cooped inside blankets the entire time, playing on my PS2. It was so ridiculous that my mom, maaaany years later, told me she usually left the house for hours at time just to give us an opportunity of finally doing something about our very obvious feelings. Unlike the trip we took to her ranch, this one was filled with 3am deep existencial talks. And unlike the other trip, we spent the whole time sleeping on the same bed. Not a whole lot happened other than us dancing around the obvious feelings and how to deal with being so close to each other.

Nothing beside the very last morning together. I remember always waking up after her, because that’s just how we were. I remember she was already up, reading this book in fucking german of all things. It had been the first day of the entire week we had a meager ray of sunshine. And the way my window and ourselves were positioned, the sun was shinning directly on her. I woke up to the vision of an angel. I had never seen hair in such a warm bright color. I had never seen eyes that were the living embodiment of a spring afternoon sky. I woke up and her propped up on a couple of pillows, reading under the weak morning sun was the first thing I saw. It was the first thing I saw and I could swear I was still dreaming.

Because for the first time in all this, I could not contain and muffle the voice inside my head that was screaming: I want to wake up next to this every single day for the rest of my life.

It was the last time I woke up next to her for the rest of my life.

To my credit I did shake off my daze from the sight quite fast. I had gotten so good to drowning out these feelings that I was great at putting my poker face back up. We talked, we had breakfast, we let ourselves feel a bit sad about her leaving.

Then, just about half an hour before we actually had to go shower to take her to the station, it happened. The one moment that made me feel confident this all wasn’t just in my head. It all wasn’t just wishful thinking of a lonely pathetic girl who got way too bullied in high school.

We were having an impromptu pillow fight cause why not. That’s how girls who are secretly in love handle their feelings after all. It’s universal I think. And, well, on the overall 9 days we spent together irl I never actually beat her once because I’m just that much of a noddle. But this one fight we were both in bed, with weak footing and etc. You can see where this is going.

So on a scene to rival any anime, or that one gif of girls playing handball that fall on top of each other, she fell on top of me. Well, did she fall? I don’t know. For all I know, she planned.

And we had the moment. The gaze. Those few indescribable seconds of your life that you’re always gonna remember like yesterday, no matter how old you get. She had each of my hands pinned to the side of my head, and at first I thought we were still fighting so I just struggled and laughed and was saying stuff like “get off me ya psycho!”. But then I looked up. I looked up and.

And then I felt it. I felt everything her eyes were telling me. She wasn’t playing with me anymore. She was staring at me as if she already knew it was going to be the last time. She was staring at me as if it was a love story because it was. She was staring at me as if her entire existence, as if the whole oxygen on the earth itself depending on my presence.

She was staring at me like I has never been looked at before, or since. Even with a 3-years long relationship I had muuuch later on. No one had never, or will ever, look at me the way she looked at me.

And I froze. I froze because I had no idea what else to do. I froze because inside my head back then this was still wrong. Girls should not kiss. Girls should never kiss.

It was wrong.

It was so wrong, but nothing, not a single piece of bigot ramble ever uttered in history would make me feel more scared than losing my best friend. Nothing in the world scared me more than losing her.

Could I cross this boundary? Did she want to? Or was it just a spur on the moment thing?

But then she stared at my lips and I could not help but lick my own. Out of instinct, out of craving, out of love.

To the risk of getting an angry mob to my house right now, no, we did not kiss.

In fact, I dont quite remember the next few seconds at all. It had been single the most intense moment in my life at this point. It is still one of the most intense moments I’ve ever experienced. I completely blanked out of how I actually got pulled out of it and back into the land of living. Next thing I know we are sitting on opposite sides of the bed, trying to move away from the awkwardness. We did manage, in a couple of minutes. and things went back to normal between us.

But things would never be back to normal within me.

I’m gonna take a pause here to point out I’m bisexual. So like every bisexual, I am a very confused person. Cause you see, the moment you figure out you're bisexual it’s so much more confusing than figuring out you're fully homosexual. Because in the moment, things don’t just click. Things dont just start to magically make sense. I was 16 and I had absolutely liked guys before. Was it with this intensity? No because I was fucking 16. She was the first person I was been truly in love with. But I know it in my soul that if she was a dude I would love her with the exact same intensity. This particular discourse took me another three years to solve, but I digress.

And then she left.

She left and, like I said, her mother had programed her entire july milimetrically so we could be as far apart as possible. She left my house straight back to her ranch, not even her own house, And they have no internet there, so no MSN. Just a single 30-minutes phone call a day, for the 4 days after we had spent the entire week cooped up in bed inside blankets and playing lame-ass RPGs. And then right after that she left for germany for two full weeks. But before that particular trip, she did manage to get home. She got home to a letter of her grandma that read...

Well to be honest I cannot tell you what it read exactly. Because she was extremely vague about it when telling me. But it was enough to destroy her. It was enough to make her think that her grandma would not want anything to do with her anymore and it was based off somewhat new events. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out the full contents of the letter. Her family is from the brazilian Bible Belt. But back then, at 16, confused as fuck, and already preemptively heartbroken, I legit had no idea what it said. She was vague and I didn’t want to pry. I just wanted to make her stop crying. I just wanted to put that beautiful smile back in her face but on that day I could feel her slipping away for the first time.

The rest of the story takes place in just a bit under two months. Maybe 6 weeks at most.

She goes to germany and finds a boyfriend, as one does. She leeches on this boy like a lifeline, but never stops texting me our 3 international texts we were allowed daily. In fact, the first thing she did after kissing him was pulling off her phone as texting me.

You can imagine how well this guy takes it.

Now, she goes back to brasil and this guy actually lives somewhat close to her. It’s a doable relationship. Once they both have access to internet and MSN again, and she is fast to introduce us, so happy that both of the most important people in her life are meeting. Even tho they had been together for like 3 weeks at this point.

I’m ok with it because, well, I still hadn’t figured myself out. I know no one will believe this, but I honestly did not feel jealousy. In fact, it was almost relief. Relief that I would not need to look into my feelings any further than I had back in july. I was happy for her. She seemed genuinely happy with this guy, and so was I.

And then Independence Day weekend comes and hell starts to... well, not break loose, but certainly get weaker on the seams. In here Independence Day is on September 7th, but both on my city and hers there's a city holiday on the 8th. On that year it ended up getting us a 4-day weekend again, and obviously I thought I was the one who was gonna be invited to visit her. I has been counting on it, planning for it.

Two weeks or so before that she informs me that she wants to invite her boyfriend over instead of it, which is like. Ok. Fair. But for the first time in this entire story I felt jealousy. Because that ranch, those stars, that sky... it was our place. I did not wanna share those experiences I had with her with anyone else. But I kept quiet of course, because how could I not? I tell her “yeah it’s a bit upsetting because I was hopping we could see each other, but I am genuinely happy you get to spend time with him!”

She ghosts me in that week.

To this day, 12 years and 2 months later, I do not know why. I do not know how. I know her grandma called again when she learned the boyfriend was gonna come over and not me, but that’s all.

She ghosted me before ghosting was even a thing. So I had no other social parameter to deal with the situation. I will never forget the absolutely heart wrenching pain I felt when I figured out she had blocked me on MSN. It’s indescribable.

It’s indescribable because she was the first person I felt like actually gave a flying fuck if I lived of died, if I was happy or if I cried. And she had up and decided to fucking cut me out her life without a single fucking word of explanation. One night everything was fine, we even had a group chat with her boyfriend. The next day she is gone forever. I don’t know, nor I think I will ever learn what triggered it. What was the last fucking draw, the last fucking prejudiced word directed at her that made her do it.

My world had been full of color, full of life, and even if literally everyone around me in real life would be so much happier if I didn’t exist (back then I DID NOT get along with my mother), she had seemed this entire time to be so much happier with me around. She was the one person who liked my existence. And literally overnight, I wake up and my world is empty. My world is empty and my air is missing and I don’t fucking know why.

It’s been 12 years and I still don’t know why.

Her boyfriend harassed me a bit back on orkut. Like, I have no idea why. It was unprompted. But it does give you a big fucking clue does it now?

I haven’t gotten a single word from her ever again. I know she’s alive, that’s not the fucking point of the story. I know because I tried to contact her again through every fucking means possible. I even sent her a letter of all things for fuck’s sake. When facebook came along I found her there too and sent her a message. Once 3 years after the fact, and then again 6 years after the fact. That was the last time I tried contacting her.

I cannot say I was “faithful”, so to speak. I cannot say she has been the only thing in my mind. I cannot say that I have not loved again, because I have. I had a serious 3-year relationship, as I mentioned. I had actual gay disasters stories in between. She has not remained the foremost thing in my mind. She has not remained my one true love. There were times where I spent months without thinking about her. Even silly crushes are enough to stray my thoughts away, to stray my heart away

But what worth are those times if I always go back to thinking of her as soon as I see myself without someone? What worth are those times where she is not in my mind, if she had never left my heart to begin with?

What worth is forgetting about her at times when she is my default setting?

I know what you're thinking. “you’re not in love with her, you’re in love with the idea of what could have been”. And you’re absolutely right. I know you are. I’m fully aware of it, of the implications of it, not only on my love life but my mental health.

But she has been the single most influential person in my life. She was the one that got me to writing. She was the one who made face my mother and have The Talk we needed for fucking 16 years about who my father was. Fuck, she is the sole responsible for setting my life on that path, and all the domino effect of events that happened because of the decision of talking to my mother about it. She was the one that made me figure out I was bisexual. Not a lesbian, definitively not straight, but not gay either. Bisexual, out and proud.

She was my first love.

She was my first love and she is the one that makes me give some credit to the saying “at the end of your life you will see you’ve fallen in love with the same person over and over again”.

She was my first love and she makes me go fucking crazy enough to give the whole “soulmates” concept a decent thought, because this cannot have been natural. Loneliness cannot explain the entire thing. It cannot explain how ridiculously drawn I was to her right away. Attraction doesn’t explain it either. It cannot explain how insanely synced up I’ve always felt to her. How insanely connected.

I’m not gonna lie, I loved my ex. Truly and deeply. They were the only person to ever treat me respect, and I felt almost as connected to them as I did to her. Almost.

If we are getting technical, I felt, like, 95% synced up with them. Which is more than the vast majority of humankind can only dream of feeling.

But it was not 100%.

There has only been one person in my life that I have felt 100% connected with. One person in my life I have not been able to shake away, have not been able to get over. Oh I have moved on. I have moved on and moved back in and then moved on again. Many times, over and over.

But I have not gotten over you. I will never get over you. What happened. How it ended. You were my biggest heartbreak. You were my biggest love story, and I didn’t even get to live it.

You make me so illogical that I sincerely hope there is a next life out there. One we can meet, sit down, and talk.

I’m sure you are a completely different person right now. I am a completely different person too. And it is insane, it is illogical, and it is immature to think that these two completely different people would still have any vestige of a thing in common like we did as kids. Because we were kids. We were kids and now we are both adults, and have a single damn thing changed?

A whole fuckton of them changed. Seasons changed. Years changed. The entire fucking world changed. I have changed more than you can possible imagine a person would in 12 years.

But you being the default setting of my heart has not changed. No matter how “unfaithful” I’ve been to you. No matter how much I will keep on living not being attached to you. No matter how much I know at some point I will forget you, forget this feeling, and bask into the pleasure of a new love. No matter how much at some point I will surely think “wow, what a crazy bitch I was back then, with all these feelings for a random girl who certainly doesn’t even remember I exist”.

And that’s one of my biggest fears you see. Cause for me you are half the fucking book. For me you’re the constant element that comes back when sea is calm and things are ok.

And I fear that to you I was nothing more than a line, maybe a throwaway paragraph in your life.

[snorlaxlovesme]

This is just uh. A thing. A long thing. I actually drafted it back in July during Pride Month but chickened out before I could post it. But then I discovered that Ace Week exists and what better time to rant about the quintessential Ace Experience(TM) amiright?

.

I’ve struggled to define my sexuality since I was like 17. I can remember me and some of my girl friends going to the mall and talking about boys. I was currently teetering around a relationship with one of our male friends and they asked me to define why I was attracted to him and I couldn’t. They didn’t really think anything of it, moved along in the conversation and said “well X isn’t my type, so I guess I wouldn’t get it.” But the conversation stuck with me.

1. Because I never really thought the idea of a “type” was real. I didn’t think people ACTUALLY arbitrarily decided who wasn’t worthy of their affection based on a random set of archetypes. I thought they were shallow for saying that about him. I thought it was a mean concept to not let someone be “your type.”

2. Not being able to identify what I DID find attractive about him was....off. Like sure, he looked fine, but tbh he looked like an average teenage white boy and I couldn’t really pick out a physical identifier that made me want him. That seemed like a bad thought to have about one’s significant other.

Needless to say, that non-relationship went nowhere and I eventually told him I wasn’t feeling it. I thought I just wasn’t mature enough for relationships yet.

At age 18 I had my first kiss. Another male friend of ours. Another relationship I’d been teetering around. I had told him multiple times that I didn’t like the idea of dating him so soon after I had broken things off with X. It felt weird, too soon, let’s hold off. But part of me also didn’t like the fact that I was 18 and had never been kissed. It wasn’t at the forethought of my mind all the time, but it lingered back there. Maybe it was because, puberty-wise, I was a late bloomer. Maybe it was because, in my friend group, I was always somehow dubbed “the innocent one.” I didn’t want to continue being late for every major marker in life, so when Y took me up on a hill at sunset and said “I’m going to kiss you now” I let him.

It was not what I thought it would be. All the magical descriptions of kisses in YA books were drastically over-selling the experience. The first one was nice enough, but I couldn’t help but thinking “this feels exactly like kissing a relative” and being a little relieved and little disappointment that the sensation was exactly the same. The second kiss was much worse because he put his tongue in my mouth and I quickly discovered I hateddd that.

I thought that maybe it was Y’s fault. I didn’t like him the way he liked me, so there was no magic. No spark. But also maybe I was just doing it wrong? He did kind of imply that I wasn’t the best kisser (god, how romantic) and so maybe the more we did it the more I would like it?

We went on one more date after that, and almost every time we made eye contact he tried to kiss me. It was horrible. I spent the better part of the day actively trying to not look at him because I didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to do it anymore. That seemed like a bad thought to have about one’s significant other.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out. I’d like to say I handled the situation as maturely as with X, but in reality I ghosted this kid for like 2.5 months and eventually sent him a facebook message saying I wasn’t feeling it. I figured I wasn’t mature enough for relationships yet.

College I had no time for relationships, or so I told myself. Maybe I didn’t have the mental capacity for them because I was too busy wishing I would get hit by a bus (higher education did not go great for someone with undiagnosed ADHD). I kind of assumed everyone also felt the same way, but people were coupling up around me left and right. Everyone had the same stressors I had, maybe even more so, and yet they had time to form new relationships and have noisy sex in the dorm room next to mine. I didn’t have time, though.

My roommate asked me in those first few years if maybe I was asexual. I actually got mad at her for even implying it. Asexuals were emotionless robots who were so repulsed by sex they didn’t even want to THINK about it. I talked about sex with my friends all the time! I masturbated when she wasn’t around like every other day! How dare she even insinuate that I might be one of those people. I just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet.

And sure, I’d been on tumblr for years at that point. I’d been relatively educated about the LGBT community and its various factions. But nothing about it screamed ME. All those people seemed to have the same shared experience of knowing who they were since forever, of experiencing some form of discrimination based on who they were. I had always been straight, right? And no one’s ever discriminated me for who I liked. 

It was weird, though. Getting older and hearing more and more people talking about sex and just like, NOT feeling the same way. Was talking to my friends in a group chat one day, and one of them was head over heels for one of her coworkers. Not in love, but I-wanna-rip-off-your-McDonald’s-uniform-and-fuck-you-right-here-in-the-break-room (do McD’s even have break rooms? whatever) lust. She’s like, “you know that electricity you feel when you’re next to someone you really, really like. where every time you get close to them you feel this MAGNETISM and your entire body feels hot--”

--and all I could think of was how that sounded EXACTLY how Bella described her feeling towards Edward in Twilight, and just how ridiculous it sounded. That’s some YA bullshit, that’s not real.

And then our other friend in the chat was like “yeah.”

Oh. Well I guess I just have a lower sex-drive than you guys. That’s whatever.

I didn’t really identify as asexual until I saw a post about an aspec identity called autochorissexuality. 

The term autochorissexual describes a subset of asexuality which is defined as: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.

That...kinda sounded like me....

Like I said, I masturbated and all that jazz so I assumed I couldn’t be asexual. I literally loved orgasms. I read smut and watched porn to get off like I assumed the rest of the world did, not even really realizing that a lot of people...get off...thinking about people doing stuff....to THEM.

I do not think about people I know when I masturbate. It feels incredibly weird for them to pop up in any of my fantasies, and I kinda just assumed that meant I wasn’t attracted to any of them (which I’m not), so it was fine. It didn’t really occur to me that I literally NEVER fantasize about myself when I get off. If I read smut I’m thinking of the characters. If I watch porn I’m thinking of the actors. Never am I imagining someone hot and sexy doing hot and sexy things to me. I’m not even very good at getting off based on my imagination alone, unless I’m basically writing my own smut in my head and imagining what THEY enjoy. The thought of imagining things being done to ME feels weirdly...embarrassing? I don’t know. I don’t dig it, so I don’t think it. 

Again, it did NOT even occur to me that that might not be how other people operated.

I also didn’t know that asexuality COULD have subcategories like that, other than aromanticism, which was an identity I toyed with for a while and ultimately am still unsure about.

But learning that liking orgasms =/= allosexual was kind of a wake-up for me. 

After learning about autochorissexuality (which, while I am incredibly, infinitely grateful that someone coined that term so I could learn more about myself, I will never identify as because it is a mouthful and I honestly don’t know how to pronounce it), I began identifying as asexual. I was 21 at the time. I’m almost 26 now.

A couple people know. Mostly people who follow me on tumblr that I also know in real life. I never really had to “come out” to them per se because they saw my posts and rolled with it. Wasn’t a big deal. I think that I actually had a conversation and TOLD those friends in that group chat, but that didn’t feel like coming out, more like all of us finally coming to a realization about me we should have figured out a lot earlier. Also, they’re friends from tumblr, so they’re not the types to make a big deal out of that stuff either.

Even though I have a couple of tumblr friends that I skype with regularly, I don’t really bring it up in conversation that much. Like two of my irl friends (who, again, follow me on tumblr) know, and we don’t really talk about it much either. It’s there, we all know, but if I don’t bring it up, they don’t either.

I’ve never really “come out” before. Had to sit someone down and have the conversation. Part of me thinks it’s kind of pointless, because whether or not I’m sexually attracted to others isn’t any anyone else’s business, really. It doesn’t super impact my work life or my life with my friends or family, so why does it need to be said? If I decided I liked women and wanted to date one, that would be a big change that I’d have to address to someone. But me being asexual is just me continuing to not have sex with anyone, the way I always have. Seems like a weird thing to cause a fuss about.

But it’s part of me. And I want to talk about it sometimes. 

But I don’t even know how that conversation would go. Asexuality is a relatively invisible subset of the LGBTQIA+ community. Like, it’s the last letter, the one that often gets cut off. And when people do bring up the A, it’s for Ally. I’m not gonna get into the discussion about that, I don’t know enough queer history to form a hot take, but the point still stands that many people don’t know about asexuality. And while it seems relatively easy to explain, I guess--

”I don’t experience sexual attraction”

--it also feels way more complex than that. And I’m not very good at articulating why I’m NOT something else when I have a hard time identifying what that something even IS. I was the kid who thought having a “type” was shallow and mean! It didn’t occur to me that people’s sexual fantasies INCLUDE THEMSELVES AS PARTICIPANTS. So how do I explain my lack of attraction to people?

But maybe I’m being too reductive of the masses. Like, I’m not the brightest bulb in the bunch but *I* was able to learn what was asexuality was on my own. Who’s to say others haven’t? Maybe I won’t need to give an informative slideshow every time I come out to someone.

...But what if I’m wrong? What if I get into a relationship one day and I find myself INCREDIBLY attracted to my partner? What if I get into a relationship with a WOMAN one day and realize that I was les/bi/pan this whole time? I know that demisexuality exists, I know that sexuality is a spectrum and people are constantly learning about themselves and evolving. I don’t want to downplay that or..or...invalidate that. I know. But I’m an idiot. And I can’t help feeling that if I come out and commit to fun new adjective about myself and then all of a sudden that adjective doesn’t fit me anymore I’ll be labelled as fraud for forever and ever. 

I know that’s probably unlikely for the most part. But it’s still something that’s there in my mind that I feel every time I think about talking about it.

I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t know why I’m writing this post because there isn’t some grand conclusion to my narrative or sweeping answer to my problems. My story continues for as long as I live and maybe things will change and maybe they won’t. I’d like to be able to come out one day and say it. To my sisters. To my coworkers. To some random dude hitting on me who seems kind enough to understand there’s a reason I’m reluctant to flirt back. Probably not to my parents. I don’t know if I want to present the slideshow to them about my lack of sex life, nor do I think they would handle my act of vulnerability with grace or tact (boomers, y’know).

I guess I can end this post by saying that it’s not all bad. Not being “out” kinda sucks, but right now, knowing is enough. There are a hundred other micro situations from my past similar to the ones I spelled out above that made me wonder what was wrong with me. I wanted to be able to like someone the way other people did, to have a normal relationship, but I couldn’t force myself to do it and I didn’t know what was stopping me. The whole am I just broken  conversation whirled through my head many a night in college when insomnia prevented me from sleeping and depression stopped me from giving myself a fucking break. It sucked, and maybe it’s a little grim to think of asexuality as a diagnosis to a lifetime of symptoms, but that’s kind of what it felt like.

And that’s not bad! Why? Because i know that I’m not alone and that this is NORMAL . Being asexual is not being broken! It’s something that many people identify with! And honestly that thought alone thrills me enough to make this whole ridiculous narrative worth it. There’s a whole world of people out there feeling the exact same way as me, and none of us are wrong for feeling that way. It is unreal the kind of confidence that gives you.

My friend from earlier, the one who desperately wanted to bang her co-worker, she said something to me the other day that struck me with how far I’ve come in terms of my identity. I was sobbing to her on the phone about a shitty thing in my life, as one does, and she pointed out how the strangest things will get to you while others don’t even have an effect. If someone mentions how I don’t have my drivers license at the ripe old age of 25 I legitimately have a breakdown on the phone with her about it, but if people make jokes about me being a virgin I don’t even bat an eye. 

And it IS weird. If someone would have made a virgin joke at me at age 20 I probably would have spiralled into one of my late-night, crying-into-my-pillow sessions about how much I fucking SUCK at being a human, but at age 25 it’s just...whatever. As someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, why WOULD I have had sex already? If I don’t seek it out, don’t want it, it’s not gonna be a part of my life, you know? And I don’t care. Past me, without this identifier, would have cared deeply. Current me could go her entire life without having sex and I don’t think it would drastically effect her mood. 

It’s weird how one little word can turn things around for you like that.

[devilsrecreation]

Thoughts on Muppet Fairy Tales part 4: (last one)

Bella Thorn, the Sleeping Beauty:

Yes, I know it’s a story, but the fact that Big Mean Carl is married to Mean Mama is hilarious to me, since I hc him as aro/ace (how can he not be?)

WHY IS WALLEYE PIKE HERE?!?!😂😂😂 AS IN THE MUPPIRATE, THE BACKGROUND CHARACTER! MY FISH BOY IS IN THIS STORY? WHY?🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Also I read Walleye’s rhyming prophesy in his voice and I’m proud of it

And he gets eaten....big surprise

Just sitting here how a monster and a bunny-bear hybrid thing could create a rat (which is our girl, Yolanda btw!)

What the fu-Camilla is Maleficent?....ok...giving Piggy a break

I love how Camilla’s yelling (squawking) just confused everybody

#goodparenting by Carl. Makes me wonder how good he is with kids irl

“as young Yolanda grew up, for she turned out to be modest, good-natured, and an excellent gnawer, and everyone who saw her was bound to fall for her”-cuz she a QUEEN

Apparently, Yolanda is having a quinceñera....I had no idea she was Hispanic (prolly not)

So...Camilla let Yolanda prick her finger and it says here that she “let loose a creepy cackle and disappeared”.....how the hell does a chicken cackle? What does that sound like?

WHOOO! STRANGEPORK IS MENTIONED IN THE STORY LET’S GOOOO

ANOTHER WHOOOO! RIZZO’S HERE!

Ooh yay! Fozzie’s in here!

I wonder how Carl really felt about spooning with Mean Mama? He probably hated every minute of it

Aaand just like the others, they get married after knowing each other for two seconds

Clueless Trades a Turtle:

The fact that Clueless has his own story, man. He deserves this moment

I know Clueless is lazy, but he’s getting tired of taking out his turtle?....IT’S A TURTLE

Me, after reading Clueless is gonna marry his neighbor, Dorothy: Lmao look at Clueless pretending to be straight

“She was the type that’d stand near a ketchup bottle and wait for an earthquake”-BRUH😂😂😂

“Those two turtles disturb our best sleep every morning with their inaudible movements and inconvenient need to eat”-honestly, Dorothy just hates turtles

Oh god no. Animal and Clueless are in the same story....this can’t go well

*after reading that Animal’s clearly gonna eat the turtles and Clueless trades them anyway* OH NO I WAS RIGHT

“Husband, chill”-I dunno why, but I like that phrase. It’s the same as “Honey, calm the f down”

Clueless be turning into Zoot at the end of the story. Fell asleep in seconds

No turtles were harmed in the making of this story.....I hope

Pepe and Polly:

The illustration to this one looks VERY promising....cuz I see three of my fav muppets

Of course Waldorf and Statler are in here. Of course! Who else as the parents in this story

“We’re not eating our kids. This isn’t Game of Thrones...”- *WHEEZE*

Damn Waldorf. You’re so dark

According to Waldorf, Pepe misbehaves like crazy (facts) and Polly is apparently the stupid one (excuse you, Polly’s smart)

Also, since Pepe “gets paddled more than a canoe”, why am I imagining he’d like it?

“I dunno. He kinda grows on you”

“So do warts”

And this is why I love W and S. SAVAGE

I like how Statler has some consious and cares for Pepe and Polly. It’s sweet

Awww. Now I’m picturing Polly giving himself a self-pity hug🥺🥺🥺🥺

Ah, the classic insult. “You failed at raising a Tomagachi, how the hell are you gonna take care of a pet?”

Waldorf, you suck at excuses

“Polly always wanted a cracker”—No kidding, sherlock

OBJECTION! In this story, Polly says he lost his other claw while spinning a wheel on the game show “The Price Is Right”, but in the encyclopedia, Polly lost his other claw in a fight. SO HIS TESTIMONY IS FALSE! (I’ve been watching too much Ace Attorney)

Sam is in here? Okay. Makes sense. He IS a bird

There is a vending machine in the forest.....okay

DEADLY’S IN ANOTHER STORY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WHOOOOHOOO! I mean, he’s the witch, but SCREW IT!

I love how crackers are Polly’s weakness. The minute someone mentions “cracker”, he’s in

“I’m going to have to cook?!?”- Mood

Polly knew Deadly’s British but gumbo (which Deadly’s planning to make using Pepe) is Cajun. See? What a smart boy!

Of course Pepe used the candy cane as his finger (tail) method! Cuz he clever

DEADLY SINGING “Les Poisson” IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!

👏👏👏👏Polly, once again, shows he’s smarter than W and S say he is! Poor Deadly, though

Polly is honestly such a mood in this book

Pretty cool that Sam came back for these two!

Aww, how nice! They’re getting revenge on those geezers by buying their own place and making noise!

Ah, poor Deadly....again. But hey! Nice reference to the other book he was in!

Overall, my favorite story in here! And interesting seeing them as friends when I hc they’re really rivals

[alchemist-shizun]

have you ever do coming out? how it was?

I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.

I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.

I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)

Then my family. Well.

This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)

So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.

Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.

He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)

So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.

Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.

Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.

Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.

The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".

My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)

About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.

May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.

Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.

I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.

I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.

After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.

Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.

How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)

Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)

Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.

As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.

See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.

[jinned]

okay gang. let’s go (pls keep in mind i am #wasted and i love all the boys with my whole heart okie)

now most of my friends have PROBABLY heard that i used to bias more than jin before. at one point, i biased THREE members at once. becuase of the daily suffering i yeeted them to the bias wrecker zone and now i sit here comfortably, a jin stan

AND YET

what if i want to figure out the order of bias wreckers hmmmmmm

under cut is my in depth analysis (took me about 10 times to spell that right) of my bais wreckers and why they hold the spot they are in. we wont go in depth on jinnie today. we all know he’s ult. if i talk about him while drunk i’ll never shut up. yes these are in order

jin: hah BITCH u thought i couldnt talk about my main and leave him out??? ot7 hoe forever. jin is that friend you know will do anything to make u smile rght. and u really have to be friends for a while to learn when he needs help cause he’ll never say. and i love him so much. he’s so private and just wants tohers to be hapy but jin i want u happy too. he desreves the world okay. he deserves more lines and more camera time. he deserves to be in dramas like hee  awnts. hes so talented?????? yhis voice makes me cry not gonna lie it’s so beautiful and he has so much raw talent like wtf where did u COME FROM. he’s so beautiful and humble and funny and wow how could u not want him as a best friend or boyfrind. 4am pancake mornings where teh kitchen a mess but we having fun. wishing on airplane type cute shit like that yes sign me up. hugs you so tight. body language is really improtant here okay like he mgith not verbally tell u somethin g but you can tell by how he acts using his body. he might hug u tigheter and longer than normal ad thats how u know youre his comfort and he just isn’t feeling 100%. he gives those sentimental gifts. llike hey u mentioned this one time like five years ago and i finally was able to get it for you or hey heres a personalized ting to remember that one time we spent together. lots of polaroids and comfy sweaters. pooring our hearts out to each other while sitting on the kitchen counters.he want sto go through what youre going through so you dont go through it alone. wil ltake the fall for you, hyp eyou up better than anyone and is slick about it. he makes u think that lvoe exists

jimin: there was once a time when i was platonically in love with jimin. i often said “in anothe r life i was probably ulting jimin” then i saw jimin in person at a concert. i left a changed womamm. he is so sexsy that i t physically hutrss me. like wtf how are u even real. once on my prevoius blog i posted begging for pink haired jimin. three days later. jimin had pink hari. i think we are connected by souls are something. he’s 363 days older than me. i understand him sm. am i hard stan or soft stan? no i’m really asking i cant figure it out. he’s so sexy but i also want him to be my best friend. the hnonesty that owuld come from him is something i really need. we would try new foods together and go get lost on purpose. 

hoseok: my libra ass needs him to balance out my life. i see him and i smile so big. ovwer the years i have grown to understand hoseok a little bit ore and why he is the way he is and it made me soft soft. he so humble and talented and deserves so much love and recognitgion. the way he loves and cares for others is something i htink i nee dmore in a friend. he the type to hug you tight and cry with you. i like that. i apprecoiate that. he big softie and also so attractive like damn okay go off u relaly made like that and im here for it

namjoon: namjoon....imma start crying okay depe breath. namjoon was my first kpop bias ever. he the reason im even into bts and kpop in general. namjoon so sexy on like every aspect wtf. sexy brain. sexy body, sexy face. sexy talented. i ned break from u namjoon my heart just swells thinking of him. wow. namjoon is real person.namjoon give sm e hope. i want to hug him and feel those namtiddies irl u feel? i want to tel lnamjoon its okay to be urself. and to not be emjbarrassed. i love him so much and want to just pour all my love into him. he like older brother status. i never had an older brother but i imagine it would be like namjoon. comfort

yoongi: either my enemy or my best frined. cant tell. comfortable in each others presence, no nedd to talk. our talks alwasy deep and introspective. i want to talk about the world with him. i want to descover new hobbies with him. lets cuddle on the couch and watch documentaries. lowkey think he would be annoyed with me alot. but our love runs deep. that good wholesome friendship where we don’t talk everyday but whenever we see something and think of each other we send right away. that friendship that picks up where it left off. im soft soft yoongi stan. i see him and melt. i see a fool waiting to be exposed (read my fic chromatic to understand) lately he’s seemed so much happier and i legit cried one night thinking about it. i love seeing him smile and let losose an dbe more himself. like wow that’s joy right there. i love u 

taehyung: was once my ult for like a solid 6 months. i think i cried every day. his duality is too much to handle. we on firm break. taehyung leave me be pls for my sanity. are u adorable baby or are u father of my baby? the questions never end. i think he’s too handsome for my own good. i’ll never forgigve u for war orf hormone. anytime he wears beret my uwu metershatters.  but he capricorn. capricorns and i on rough terms. we would be good friends i think. those supportive friends who art together and who take long walks and talk ab out life in depth. 2am grocery shoopping trips like yessss lets make those young adult movie cliche’s come true

jungkook: straight up my arch nemesis. enemy to lovers au. we hate each other so much people start to get sus. like uhhh did u guys hook up or sumfin? we probs annoy the heck out of each other on a daily. but best friend material af. we annoying but we ride or die for each other. i see him and feel proud and just so happy for him. watching him find himsefl is like wow if he can do it i can do it too. great motivator. empathetic af. his heart pure gold i swear. trying new things all the time like wo w i wanna do that. emo looking jk is my weakness tho he automatically jumps to tpo of the list don’t tell sober bean i said that ause i would never admit that out loud. he’s younger friend u wanna protect and i am in constant awe of him. u goin places kid

[renaer-is-allegedly-hot]

session 11 notes (i’ll fix them one day but i’m agro this was tea hate this)

Two minute one shot while dom pees

Adam has a floaty tube

Asyna can't turn into a hippo

Giant seahorse

Jane austen

Elizabethh and darcy my hands are shaking

Dom has 4e books

Dom was pretty out of it last session

It's afternoon

Dom is toasty

In jacob's other campaign a goat bit off his penis so the goat's name is richard byter

"at first the goat was reluctant"

"what a goat"

Last week on dragon heist

We were meandering through the city

"one of you met with an old friend, briefly"

Zoo time

Aerana knows where the zoo is in the sea ward

Raised brick gate w high walls; on top are intricate metal railing spiked stuff

Entrance is v wide, not too many people going in bc it's raining a lot

Maybe

Apparently the weather is super important and I still don't know why the weather is so important

It is currently raining

Pouring

Ticket booth in the front

Gold piece per person

Botanic repository

We walk up to the booth covering ourselves w the hoods we have

Velvet rope line but we just navigate through it like in shrek

Adam goes first

Walks in and see smiling figure, human male middle-aged, heavyset, festive outfit, "thank you for visiting - oH how's it going?!" it's volo

He's doing research for his newest obok

Hi jacob's dad

Jacob's gonna go fishing

Volo under impression he would be one of zoological experts but no

"recommendations?"

They brought monsters in from the isle of chault

Points us off to the exhibit to go

Originally zoo was not a zoo as we think of but like throwing them in a pit and being like look at them think httyd

Now it's closer to what we'd consider a modern day zoo

Lots of foliage

It's a big zoo

Like the San diego zoo

Or disneyland

Dom talks abt his brother's haircut

We can run through it

Can asyna just sprint

Aerana and asyna r gonna run

Adam cel and theo r gonna not run

Most of the zoo taken up by exhibits devoted to the island

Looking in the entryway a lot of ppl r carrying pamphlets n papers and speaking in foreign tongues like tourists or smth ig

Adam casts disguise self to make him look as fancy as everyone else

Has feathered cloak

Three major pathways

Chault exhibits for weird stuff r left

Marine stuff and some chault r forward

To the right r monsters from the interior continent

Adam cel and theo (?) go to the right

Most ppl r in pairs

A lot of biologist-type ppl; ppl who look like they're used to handling animals

First real exhibit on the right is a human woman inside the exhibit throwing down pieces of meat to lions

Is asyna a moon druid ? Yes

How did the human woman get there ? But she doesn’t notice

"does this zoo have dippin dots" - lillian 2020

Perception check, 15

There r ppl selling stuff, sees dejected gnome sitting under a pedal cart w a dingy umbrella and he's grumpy n angry

Adam walks over to him

Selling diff snacks n refreshments

He's mostly selling a fizzle pop

Strawberry flavor, blueberry, butterfly flavor

"are ur fizzle pops made w organic butterflies ? Bc I'm kinda on a diet rn"

Adam says it's disgusting

"I'll have a blueberry thank you"

Cel is gonna try the butterfly one

It's sweet; doesn't taste like blood but does taste almost nutty

So like what I would think pistachio tastes like

Fun size popsicle

Theo gets strawberry

They go to the next exhibit

A really vertical exhibit

 Oneshot

Cel is gonna try and ride seahorse asyna but rolls a nat 1 for acrobatics and then a nat 1 for dex save

Smashes head on rim of the pool, bleeding out and unconscious

Healing words from adam

Climbs out of the pool

The water is now red

Three children on the other side of the pool

One of them gets really excited and pees when adam tells them that there's a chemical that turns pool water red

Asyna left the pool when the kid peed

Asyna leads everyone over to the hospital

Adam is gonna try and healing words fix cel

Cel is back to full health

One of the kids is crying scared when she finds out the water is blood

Theo is gonna go get the kids ?

Ok back to the zoo

There's a hippo exhibit

We go check it out

On the way there run into different typical zoo stuff

Apes

Monkeys

The younger ppl r around these exhibits

A lot of closed sections bc of weather like "don't worry next winter this animal will be back"

Alligators

Ringtails that r lemurs ringtail lemurs

Birds

Carefully curated trees that r uber high

Hawks and giant eagles

Oops my phone froze

Tap on the glass to say hi to the what now

Theo wants it to come say hi to her

Animal handling check, 10

Can't attract their attention but

The hippos

Asyna has speak with animals LMAO

Basically can't talk to worms

No more tapeworm talk :/

"Theo says hi . This is theo"

"everybody gangsta until they find out jacob thinks barney is a hippo" - dom 2020

Colombian drug lord one time built private zoos and the hippos broke out but now there's a hippo problem in colombia

Pablo escovar

Speak with animals is ten minutes

We're also probably fighting later

We're gonna talk to the hippos

Theo waves

One of them paddles over and tries to sniff

"hm . Can you eat it ?"

"pleaes don't"

 I just remembered seaweed is not a plant it's an algae

This hippo does not have a name

Calls sister sister

"ask about juicy hippo gossip" - adam

"no but if I did I would share it"

Originally zoo was place for research

Anything else to ask hippos before we check out rare animals ?

The hippo floats away and we say bye

To the chault exhibits

Getting late but there r a lot more researchers

First exhibit has a lot of strange, unfamiliar trees

Monkeys w really big fluffy sideburns clustering around overhanging branches bc it's raining

Some of them r taking leaves and using them to keep the rain off

One of the monkeys hops off the branch

The sideburns actually extend into wings and it goes to another branch

"it's like the wizard of oz"

"adam what's the wizard of oz"

Flying monkeys

Adam walks over to a researcher and asks the most must-see

Woman who is probably from chault bc wearing strange woven beret w branches n stuff

Alien to anything they've seen

"I would point you in the direction of the behemoths"

"what are behemoths"

Adam rolls nature check

9, he doesn't know what a behemoth is

She is from chault

Behemoths r considered friends there

Asyna and aerana know where chault is

Everyone else just knows chault is v far away, almost like a nightmare story told to children

Described as a hellscape

"I'd sooner go to chault than-"

Asyna and aerana know chault is a massive island to the sw of the sword coast, home to v tropical, intensely humid climate w lots of rain + some invasions in the past but now things r opening up

We're gonna check out the behemoths

From a distance, this exhibit much larger than others, much more heavily excavated

Not so much walls as railing looking into a deep cavern

All manner of plant life brought in to accommodate the creatures

Huge lizard of some kind

Huge size category

Irl a horse is large

Humans and dwarves are medium

Exhibit says it's a macetail behemoth

Ground trembles w each step of the behemoth

Slow, ponderous

Gigantic armored lizard w tough plating on its back and spikes on the sides of its head w bony, protective coverings all over it

Massive swinging tail protruding bone swinging back and forth as it walks

Looks like that one dinosaur

We would call it an ankylosaurus

Things that go over my head : see description bullet points before this

Tail end of speak with animals

Asyna can turn into dinosaurs

"you look really cool do you have a name"

One of them looks up but doesn't really respond

Doesn't answer

Look for velociraptors

Gonna look at all the exhibits

Spirehorn behemoths

Faces almost look like shields

Triceratops

Alien to us tho

I can't believe that like as dom's explaining these everyone else can like ,, imagine it

Like that's crazy they see pictures inside their heads

Feathered behemoths

Occasionally jump around

Claws and walk around on two legs

Bloodspike behemoth

Stegosaurus, baby and two parents

Asyna can turn into a deinonychus

We have enough time for one more exhibit

We see a creature alone in its pen save for two researchers dropping treats in front of it, other has a pickaxe and is tapping the ground and scooping smth up trailing the creature and brushing it into a bin

Creature reflects rainbow of colors ? I think

Huge snail, has three eyestalks but they kind of droop down and have heavy spikes off each individual one

Cel reads description

Flail snail?

It's a big boi

Described not as a beast but as something that comes from a realm of earth

As it moves it excretes glass

Generally docile but if prodded r really dangerous bc the things it has r more weapons than eyes

Adam asks if it's a petting exhibit

The flail snail is just as slow as a regular snail

"that is the most disgusting magic resistance I've ever seen in my entire life" - jacob 2020

Everything starting to shut down

We realize we should probs skedaddle

Time to find loser boy

Rain has not stopped but has kinda calmed down

Heading straight to the wig shop

Lamps in the trades ward r lit

Brighter than what we've seen recently

Adam peers into the shop

Perception check

6, tries to get water off the window, looks empty

Theo's gonna pick the lock

25, it's a simple lock and theo gets it open easily

Shop is empty

Somewhat eerie for those without darkvision bc the mannequins

Cel will go and investigate the back room, door is locked

Theo tries opening again

23, opens easily

Immediately smells weird powder

A lot of the perfumes for preserving dyes n stuff kept back here

Cel makes a perception check

16

V organized, neat and tidy

Manhole cover in the back

Sewer system v advanced in waterdeep but also means there's a lot of it

A lot of ppl will build over sewer openings bc cheaper real estate

"sewer access authorized city officials only"

Adam rolls nat20 for boxes

Looking for anything necromancy related, licking things, doing all manners of investigation

Feels a small leather sack, pulls it out, kinda heavy

Opens it up, sees coins that are kind of heavier and thicker; not silver, 5 platinum pieces

Platinum is 10 gp each

Could take the platinums

Scry the money and sack

There are cupboards at the front desk

Necromancy considered suspicious, looked down upon

"ah . It's like watching anime ." - jacob 2020

"no, it's not like watching anime" - dom 2020

The art itself is not a crime but the things that occur in tandem w it r usually crimes

Discussing what to do in character

Cel insight check, 16

Earlier dom mentioned we're aware many ppl in waterdeep use the sewers to traverse unseen in the city; kinda suss the building was built on top of a sewer

Adam is borrowing aerana's warhammer

Adam hits the floor, leaves big dent and a v loud sound

Cel makes strength check w advantage w crowbar

Rolls a 12, can't get it open

Can sort of shift it up

Adam smashes a jar over the floor

Dex check, 5

Cloud of neon yellow sprays out like a cloud of dust and smoke, just the color

Covered in bright yellow dye

Theo tries lockpicking

23, lock is more difficult and takes a little longer, but eventually it opens

Once it's opened, the chains undo themselves and snake out on their own accord

It's just a dark hole

Can see a short drop that leads to a staircase

Adam holds lantern

Cel's just gonna go w adam at the front, pitch dark

Darkvision lets us see to some extent; everything is in grayscale

Lantern beam does help us see a little

Asyna closer to front as well

Leads to a room, 10' x 20'

Descending down short flight of stairs, room totally bare save for a barred door that u can see out of, also locked

Hear faintly some water

Theo rolls 23 for lockpicking

Door opens

Adam investigating room for secret door, tunnel, anything

Investigation check, 10 and 5 for investigation checks

Look around but room is barren

Nothing stashed anywhere, nothing to indicate a secret door or anything

Adam and cel step out, to immediate right extends for 10ish feet before merging into wall

Directly in front is water and like a sewer river flowing to the right

"are there any rats" "make a perception check" "nat 1"

To left, passage curves so hard to see but for at least 40 or so feet the pathway continues

Adam rolls another 5 for investigation check

We eventually get to a small stone bridge

I FORGOT I RESEARCHED THE SEWER SYSTEMS idk if I should bring it up I brought it up

A 15 intelligence check

Waterdeep's sewers are a subject of fascination for the city

You know the passageway like the one ur in often has arteries or iron doors set in them leading to different areas

Also know sometimes due to poor planning or smth some areas without walkways also have access tunnels

There's a bridge ? Nasty water under it

Over the bridge we go

Cel rolls a 22, plenty of damp areas around ,, no light in the passage, walking for a minute or so and w each step just hear a wet squelching noise; we're leaving behind wet, muddy footprints

No sign of recent mud in front of us

10 minutes go by and every once in a while pass side arteries w more sewage flowing in

This part seems relatively well planned

Can only go straight ? No other curvature in the path

Traveling south

"I'm gonna try and get that rat" - adam 2020

Adam picks up the rat for sleight of hand check

22

"you're able to grab up that rat pretty good" - dom 2020

Adam holds rat out to asyna and tells her to do her thing

"hey buddy"

"uh you have to cast your spell first"

"hey pal how's it going"

"let me go"

"uh we'll let you go if you answer some of our questions"

"don't even"

"no he's saying don't eat him"

"my friend here holding you is gonna take a big chomp of you if you don't answer our questions"

"have you seen anyone"

"don't know"

"I open my mouth"

"I kind of want to squeak" - marguerite 2020

Rat points north

Adam wants a piece of string to tie onto the rat like a leash

Adam is starting to feel short of breath after 10 minutes of walking

"that's either from the powder . Or the key"

Adam doesn't feel indigestion right now just that it's difficult to get air

Adam tries to tie a leash to the rat

Dex check

Nat1

Rat runs away

We go back the way we came, another 10 minutes, we pass three of those stone bridges

Cel investigation checks the dead end again, adam will give bardic inspiration

"Open sesame" - song

18, nothing there

It's a maze, we'll try naya

Adam takes out sack of platinum

Naya appears, looks around and shudders and bounds away

Following the deer

Naya is guiding back to where we originally where

Moving south again

Looks at passage back again passage then vanishes

Naya was standing on one of the bridges

First artery

It's a passage

We gotta wade through the sewer

Aerana readies weapon

Wading through, halflings get disgusting smth in their boots

Passage goes 20 ft before turning on a diagonal, turn onto passageway then it extends v far into distance

"adam's adding to the sewage right now probably" - jacob 2020

Adam's feeling lightheaded

Cel makes medicine check on adam

Rolls a 6, don't know what's wrong bud

Adam rolls around in the sewer water to get the powder off ??

I guess he is

Adam makes a constitution save, a 3

OH? OH NO

The yellow stuff is off but adam is smeared in shit

Did I make a good or bad decision

We keep going but adam feels better like fine like nothing's wrong

Oh no adam's gonna die it's like hypothermia where u feel super hot at first then u die

Passageway stretches on for awhile until coming across a rusty ironed door raised so that we'd have to step up to access it

Aerana makes perception check on the door, 20 not a nat

Hears people shouting and what appears to be a cat

Can't tell if the shouting is bad or not

Theo wrings out cape

Go up to the door, realize there's no lock; the entire lock has fallen out bc the door is so rusty

Adam checks door for traps, 12 investigation

Does not appear to be trapped, looks p old

Adam is in middle, cel towards back, aerana at front

About 25' ahead is a wider chamber and a door set into the wall, the areas are lit

We already walked through the rusty door

Massive screeching sound that came from the door when u opened it

Gotta b stealthy

Door to the right is unlocked

Adam opens the door open, looks like a storage room w different crates and sacks; bland

Some water barrels, adam pours it on himself; the rest of us also do it

Moving into room adjacent to passageway; triangle things in the wall has arrow stuff to make it easier to fire from but the room looks abandoned

Deeper in we go

Don't go that far but hit a wider room extending out 40'

Center of the room; at one point looks like there was a wall covering the room but has since collapsed; several ppl looking at us

Far corner opposite to us is an old halfling man in dark robes, clutching wound at chest, long gray braid down back staring at us as if he heard we were coming

In front of him are two smiling skeletons

It's the necromancer

The skeletons r also looking at us

They appear to be guarding him

In front of skeletons are three kenku looking at us

Bingbong is not one of the kenku

"I can explain" - adam

"we came down here and I was covered in shit and" adam casts pyrotechnics centered in between skeletons and kenku

Initiative

Aerana, 19

Cel, 17

Asyna, 15

Adam, 15

Theo, 9

Aerana

Holds attack, if kenku move within 5 ft of her she'll attack

Cel

Skeletons have bows and shortswords

Kenkus have shortswords

Will hold an action if attacked

Skeletons

Appear to b human skeletons, medium size

Lash out at kenku

One kenku able to parry away an attack, other skeleton slashes another kenku

Asyna

Attacks kenku closest to her, the one not hit

15, "what are you attacking with" "iiiiiiiii don't knowwwwwwwwwww"

Asyna turns into ape

Runs up to terrified kenku

Swings both times but it gets out of the way and hisses like a cat

Adam

Casts pyrotechnics on kenku

One passes, one fails

Failed one is blinded for next turn

Cutting words on the kenku by asyna

Kenku

Blind

Tries to escape, skeleton misses and kenku staggers away and starts feeling way along wall and runs into room west of where we are

Other one

Makes attack on skeleton, half of ribcage slashed but it's still standing

Other other one

Tries to attack ape, misses

Halfling

Stands up, tries to flee

Theo

Hits kenku that tried to get asyna, 5 damage

Has sneak attack, deals 12 damage

Arrow shot into neck, still alive but not for long

Aerana

13 damage to other kenku

"how do you want to do this"

Kenku drops dead

Skeleton turns smiling to aerana

Cel

15 to hit, 6 damage, dead

"how do you want to do this"

Pulls arrow back as far as she can "and I don't know if it's bingbong, but I'm gonna pretend it's bingbong and shoot it right through his eye socket"

"I want to keep bingbong as a pet" - jacob 2020

"kenku are sentient beings, that would be slavery" - dom 2020

Looking around we see the bodies of three other kenku and remains of two other skeletons

The skeletons attack aerana

One hits, 3 damage

Asyna

Goes into the room to follow the halfling and the kenku

Some kind of exit around

The blinded kenku is in here

Can reach halfling or kenku

Marguerite wants to hug the halfling

Athletics check to do it

21

Old man screams but asyna can hold him, unable to escape

Kenku still feeling around on the floor

Adam

Follows asyna

Gonna cast sleep

Kenku falls asleep

Yells over at the halfling

"can you call off your skeletons please"

Halfling

Loser boy's turn

I don't remember how to spell losser unless it's losser

Tries to escape asyna's grasp

"he does not escape your grasp"

Asyna rolls another athletics check

17, he does not escape

Theo

14 to hit, 16 damage

"how do you want to do this"

Arrow to the skull just goes really far in and the skull falls off as do misc bones

Aerana

Misses hit

Tries to thrust forward w sword but it drops and contracts, sword slipping through ribcage

Cel

19 to hit

8 damage, hits shoulder and arm falls off

Skeleton

Misses

Asyna

Waddles the halfling over to adam

Gives him a little squeeze

Adam

baned halfling

And cutting words

No cutting words nvm

Halfling

Asyna rolls a 25

Can't squirm out

"unhand me there are more of them there are more kenku"

Theo

"ok. Bye bye skeleton boy"

22 to hit

12 damage

"how do you want to do this"

Hits him in the smile; teeth knocked out and all of it collapses like a xylophone type noise as the bones hit the floor

Out of combat

Aerana ties up sleeping kenku

Adam casts charm person

Cel is gonna loot

Investigation check, 7

10 gold combined on the kenku; takes

Halfling is charmed to consider adam a dear old friend

Says he just finished work on his new purse; his fanny pack (basically)

Not sure we recognize the material

Adam says he knows who sent the kenku

"you have the stone"

"they stole it from me"

Says he randomly found a nice stone from a rat

Adam puts his hand on loser boy's shoulder and asks if he wants to work from home

Trying to convince loser boy to come with us

Declines

The purse is made out of elf skin

Bc it's supple

Adam trying to get a magical weapon out of loser boy

Has a potion that protects from necromancers

Persuasion check, 24

Goes into side closet

Damage resist potion

Aerana kills him

Wow are you ?? Desensitized ?? Are you desensitized or does it help not being able to see anything ever

Adam rummages through loser boy's desk

Investigation check, 15

False bottom to one of the desk drawers w 100 gold inside

Cel investigation checks loser boy, 13

Finds a little wand w a skull tip

Adam is gonna look at the purse

This bag is a faint gold

Adam shakes the kenku awake, wisdom 13 saving throw

Fails

Charm person

Making dog noises

"you want to take us to your friends"

"I don't know where they are"

"then let's just go back to your base"

"get back to base ? No one knows where that is"

Adam introduces himself, mentions bingbong

Gets theo and cel's names, mimics sound of a hammer hitting metal when asked his name

His name is bonk now

Asks asyna's name, asyna is still an ape

Big hairy git

Aerana says she'll trade information for her name

Adam swings warhammer into ground to threaten kinda

Adam makes 12 insight check

We don't recognize any of the voices he uses

Asks if we live in a hole

Asks if the house is nice

Copies adam's voice for the house boom

Adam asks if he knows about the puppet

"couldn't tell you if I knew"

Nat20 adam runs insight check across entire conversation

He's lying abt not knowing where his friends are

I DFJGSLGJS THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING ABT US STILL GIVING UP INFORMATION ASFKJAFD

Adam asks him why he was lying

Hear a voice we've never heard before

But this one in particular is bizarre and warped as if it's through some filter

"do you know what happens when you lie to me"

Adam

Anyone w passive perception over 9 hears a bottle break and a door slam in one of the rooms to the south

Cel hits his brain basically

Some of you starting to piece together that smth strange is happening

Pattering of footsteps from room to the south

Session over for the night

[dimples-of-discontent]

How do I get an “A” in Cancer?: Illness as an Overachiever

Hello friends! I’m cross posting an update/reflection from my IRL self’s cancer blog below the cut. You can go visit me there, though so far I am archiving things here too.

Today I heard a loud, resounding nothing more on the PDL1 protein test even though it's been over a week since the tissue sample was sent off for what is, as I understand, a quick test to do. I left a message for my doctor at MSK who called to nudge the pathologist again and...that's it! There's nothing else to do! I will continue to wait, a process that's made its way out of "anxious tension" and into "close to unbearable." It's been 7 weeks tomorrow since I heard my diagnosis, 3 months since I first became concerned about the tumor (although admittedly waiting until after my Christmas travels to test it seemed reasonable when no one suspected it was cancer). I can now feel pain from the tumors all the time. (Or rather, I feel the pain of them pressing on nerves.) It's worst with the largest one--the original breast tumor that is about the size of an egg and palpably, measurably growing between doctors' visits. I had minor shortness of breath for the first time today. Everyone agrees that this is an especially aggressive cancer given that it took only a few months to metastasize and is measurably growing all the time. Despite this, I've had to wait weeks for appointments for tests, 10-14 business days for results, and been faced with a medical system what won't even schedule necessary appointments until conclusive test results (still cancer!) are received from others, meaning the time really mounts up. (This isn't even touching on insurance questions.) I said in my previous post that I always imagined a cancer diagnosis would be treated like an emergency, maybe not with sirens but with a red tag on your file that says "urgent" and bumps you up the queue somehow. But it turns out that having cancer doesn't actually make you that special, at least not to people who deal with it all the time. I imagine this fills many of you with rage and, oh, me too!!! So. Much. Rage. And, especially if you're a parent, you can imagine how my parents are feeling. But it's hard to know where to direct that rage. I know that doctors are massively overworked and that, what's more, doctors and nurses both have to maintain a certain distance from their job, and by extension their patients, in order to avoid compassion fatigue. Like Shirley MacLaine I want to burst into the pathology department--where doubtless they are all just about to run that protein assay--and scream at them that I can't start chemo until they do and all I need is this one result to be able to stop this disease from growing and spreading throughout my body and they are not doing it fast enough dammit. It's probably for that reason that there are so many layers of office staff to communicate through, so many people to just say "we don't know yet." And that is what they say. (For what it's worth, I feel that MSK may be more susceptible to this than Dana-Farber, where they have clearly spent a lot of time and money focusing on the patients' experience and wellbeing.) So I'm stuck, waiting with this displaced rage and thrumming pain and constant anxiety. And I feel, of all things, guilty that I haven't started chemo yet. When people reach out to offer sympathy or to inquire how things are going--both meant entirely as expressions of love and kindness--my first impulse is to apologize for being so behind! Perhaps this is symptomatic of being the perpetual straight-A student; I'm never behind on anything...how could I be behind when it counts for so much? I was making this type of joke even before I knew the full extent of my bad news. "I'm usually so good at tests...how can I be doing so badly on all these?" "I've never been just average in my entire life...no wonder this is all so statistically unlikely." "I've always hit developmental milestones early; this is just another instance of it." And, as I said in my last post, "You have to read the fine print when you wish to be exceptional." Now, obviously humor is an important coping mechanism for me. For one thing, it's absurd--absolutely ABSURD--that this should be something I have to go through. So I have to find ways to laugh at it. Humor is also a pretty big part of who I am so continuing to make jokes is also a way of holding on to my sense of self. But these are very particular jokes and they're all about how I'm a high achiever and will, therefore, CRUSH THIS just like every other challenge in my life. But cancer isn't a test, a college application, a dissertation, a performance review. And although it may help me feel strong to think of all the other things I've come through (and it does) there's also a danger that I'll start to feel that I'm "failing" if I'm not "achieving" enough with my cancer treatment. I have already fallen into this trap, blaming myself for the triple-negative status, the lack of androgen receptors, as though if I'd studied harder they would have been there. And that's just plain wrong. The response my body has, or doesn't, to various drugs isn't a thing I can control. My role is to work with my body to give it what it needs and, moreover, to endure. Enduring is what I actually need to succeed at--and be acknowledged for--and that may not look very much like (my) traditional idea of "success." Success, to me, is making progress: doing something, producing something, being active. And a lot of my treatment is going to look like the opposite of that. I will sit around and let my body fight an invisible war. I will not be able to write or work to the same level as usual. But if I am around, whether I'm improving or not, that is a success. Because that is enduring. And I'm enduring now. 7 weeks of waiting, knowing that you have cancer and that it is growing and spreading each day that passes, is enough to send many people into a meltdown. But I've continued to live my normal life as much as possible, continuing to work and socialize as usual (or even more, in the latter case, since I don't know that I'll have energy for it later). I don't talk about my disease all the time, mainly because I don't want to. (And also because I worry about becoming burdensome to friends but that's a whole other post.) I have often felt that I haven't been "earning" the sympathy and good will that has been coming my way simply because I haven't yet been hooked up to an IV. To me, that physical act is what's brave because that's progress. That's success. But I'd like to try to change that idea--with your help--and to see enduring, even during times of less physical distress, as also being brave and also being worth remarking on, even celebrating. I hope to have more news to share with you soon. But, until then, I endure.

(x)

[jaywrites101]

Ye Olde Tag Game

I was tagged by @bexminx, thanks a bunch for the tag. There’s something about these games that just gets me pumped for writing.

1: What book have you read a million times and would read a million times more? And why?

Keys to the Kingdom, by Garth Nix. I grew up with the series, reading them nearly as much as Harry Potter. It’s an older series, but you should check them out.

2: Which OC of your current wip did you come up with first?

That would be The Wingman. Our foolishly optimistic hero who’s on death’s door.

3: What piece of world-building gave or is giving you the most trouble?

I suppose (for now) that would be the gang initiations. I’ve never been in a gang (thank God!) so the only bit’s I kinda-sorta know are the stuff they show you on T.V. and that has a hit-and-miss track record. And I have ZERO interest in finding someone IRL who is/was in a gang for research purposes so-o-o-o... I’m just taking my best guess at the experience and hoping it doesn’t break everyone’s suspension of disbelief.

In the past, other struggles with worldbuilding also came from things I hadn’t experienced first hand or met someone who’s dealt with that issue before.

4: What type of scene is your favorite to write? Why?

Rising action scenes. Every time. I get wrapped up in my own intensity as the stakes get higher and higher. Anywhere you think to yourself whoa, that got tense fast. I’m sitting on the other end of the process going I know, right?!? Like it’s legit so much fun for me to just keep winding things up.

5: (Stealing this one) What chapter of your main wip is your favorite? Why?

I’ve not been writing on The City in FreeFall long enough to have a favorite yet =( But, for A Treasure Made of Death, I had a lot of love for my section titled Exploration and Frustration. It was the last time I had to really be fun before all the characters had to gear up for the intense action. And a lot of fun was had. =D Drake tried so hard to find something useful in this scene only for him to not even recognize a book when he (or more accurately, when Dela) found one.

6: If your OCs were transplanted into another genre (say, fantasy to sci-fi or sci-fi to horror), what would their new occupations be?

I could very easily see The Wingman transplanted into a horror film just to be that guy that gets killed because he was the one person to try to do the sensible thing. (Sensible things never work in horror films.)

7: How well would you survive if you were dropped into the world of your main wip?

Actually, Pretty well... Even if I was literally dropped into the world of The City in FreeFall, I’m pretty confident that The Wingman will catch me before anything bad happens.

8: Which of your OCs is the scariest, or if none are scary, which is the sweetest? Why?

That depends on how we want to define scary. I have characters who don’t rate very high on the unusual or spooky meters but their absolutely terrifying in implication. Like the Casual Killer from A Simple Casual Murder.  But if we’re going for the “I met this thing in a haunted house and my soul left my body from fear alone.” We’re going to have to go with Blane Cook. Cook is a monster of a man who loves torturing people before killing them. Low key, he could star in his own horror film.

9: What would you say was the one thing that sparked the idea for your main wip?

I was watching the first season of Legends of Tomorow and I really didn’t like what they did to Kendra and Carter’s characters. Like, Hawkgirl and Hawkman have so much potential if you’re rebooting their origin story but they were the blandest characters of the season!  So I was thinking of Superheroes and how I’d create my own when I felt the urge to write the idea page for CFF. And thus The Wingman was born!

10: Describe the space you write in like you’re telling a story.

I’ll start at the table, my laptop plugged in. My cat’s try to help me write by sitting on my keyboard. My brother’s watching T.V. in the living room. The cats won’t stop biting the charger, I have to make a choice. Spray-bottle or move... I choose to move. Nowhere I sit is good today. My room? Too dark, too cluttered. The living room is too loud. In a fit of despiration, I grab a card table and a folding chair and sit outside. The heat hit’s me like a wave. Bugs cry out from the woods. Our outdoor cats rub against my ankles looking for attention. But they don’t jump on the table. My fingers fly across the keyboard. What will I write next? Even I don’t know.

A pause.

The next line occurs to me. I write it down as fast as I can before the train of thought leaves me forever. The sun is straight above me. I’m drowning in my own sweat. My concrete porch is protected by a wooden roof that wasps now claim as their home. I itch at my feet, in my socs, on my leg, and down my back. Flies, I hope. I write the next line and pray it’s not spiders. And why should it be spiders? They don’t like humans... I swat at my itches aggressively. The cat’s look at me like I’m a madman. The porch is too safe. Too close to the wall. Bugs won’t leave me alone. I move to the grass underneath the massive oak. It’s the biggest tree I’ve ever seen, probably the biggest in the state. I can’t help but admire it as I sit beneath limbs that are bigger around than I am. The chair sinks three inches into the wet grass again. I don’t have to sit here for long, just long enough to finish the scene.

I can’t do it!

The bugs are maddening. I can’t stop itching! 

What line was I on? What line is next?? I have to re-read what I wrote. No time to edit, just focus. The. Next. Line. Is... There! Back on track again. The scene is so close to finishing. Oh, what I wouldn’t do for a room that locked, or a table inside that filled with loving cats! It’s not their fault. They don’t understand why it’s so important to-

It’s finished! I’m a week behind my schedule, but my bit for today is done! I can go inside, so I do. A shower awaits! When I’m done I can get on Twitter, on Tumblr and watch more YouTube videos on the couch. I didn’t get a call today either... Summer’s already began but no one wants to hire a starving author from nowheresville when there are teens eagerly applying for jobs. I must be a madman...

I must be a madman...

I must be...

11: What is the first thing you remember reading and thinking ‘This inspires me to write’?

You know what? I’m not sure. When I started, I got that “I want to write,” moment when I turned in my assignment for our eighth-grade English assignment. We were supposed to make up a story based around a butterfly we spend a period drawing and while everyone else turned in their 1 and a half page minimum I had seven pages... and it still wasn’t finished... ^///^

One of my other teachers heard about the incident and said that I should be a writer and I just... liked the idea of it. It was like the perfect glove, a shoe that was just my size. It felt right. And I’ve wanted to write ever since.

SO, I know at least some of you might be concerned about the above story. Don’t be. It is just a story.

I did go outside to write the other day, but it wasn’t nearly that bad... mostly. There’s not really a good place to write in my house and I do move around a lot... but I wrote this as if it was happening to someone else. My thoughts are so meta-focused that it’s hard to imagine what I’d do, say, or think in any given scenario... Makes it easy to get into other character’s heads... not so much for my own.

Sorry if I scared you.

@ If you see this post. You’re tagged! No excuses! Like and reblog now. (because I can see you. =P) and make your own tag responses. (Also don’t forget to go to bexminx at the top of the page and give her a few likes as well.)

[kiwibur-blog]

But there's really

But there's really nothing exotic about Anna. She's occasionally lazy and often messy, spending most of her days, as far as I can tell, puttering around her Bucharest apartment in pajamas, playing with her cats, drinking enormous plastic bottles of soda, working on coding an iOS game, and taking occasional trips out to pick up fried chicken and buy new underwear. She claims to have almost no "real" friends off of the internet, but is consistently cheery, and enormously talkative. While video chatting, she always asks if I mind before she smokes. Anna complains about having to take time away from Diablo 3 for her cam sessions, where she chats with regulars, masturbates, mouths along to pop songs, and waits, waits, waits for someone to send her money. And when it comes, it comes. Anna's a MyFreeCam loyalist, earning $US6 a minute via "tokens" — a clever way to obscure how much her customers actually spend. It's a lot easier to fork over 900 tokens than thinking about the $US75 you just spent in minutes. This is Anna's sole income, and what took her out of rural Romanian poverty and the whims of other men.But there's really nothing exotic about Anna. She's occasionally lazy and often messy, spending most of her days, as far as I can tell, puttering around her Bucharest apartment in pajamas, playing with her cats, drinking enormous plastic bottles of soda, working on coding an iOS game, and taking occasional trips out to pick up fried chicken and buy new underwear. She claims to have almost no "real" friends off of the internet, but is consistently cheery, and enormously talkative. While video chatting, she always asks if I mind before she smokes. Anna complains about having to take time away from Diablo 3 for her cam sessions, where she chats with regulars, masturbates, mouths along to pop songs, and waits, waits, waits for someone to send her money. And when it comes, it comes. Anna's a MyFreeCam loyalist, earning $US6 a minute via "tokens" — a clever way to obscure how much her customers actually spend. It's a lot easier to fork over 900 tokens than thinking about the $US75 you just spent in minutes. This is Anna's sole income, and what took her out of rural Romanian poverty and the whims of other men."Not your average female. I'm the fabled nerdy, intelligent woman who plays video games, loves all types of movies and music, books, and other women. I'm hyper, I have a dry, dark, sarcastic sense of humour, and I quote movies. A lot. Imagine Wednesday Addams, Daria, Liz Lemon and Darlene Connor having an orgy. I'm the result.That wasn't always the case. Before she started stripping — both online and off — Domino was a suit: working at a Fortune 500 company as a graphic designer. She quit the firm out of boredom in 2010, and now mainly flexes her aesthetic skills to push her online sex shows. Unlike most cam girls, Domino isn't affiliated with a network like LiveJasmin. She's completely independent, streaming strip and fetish sex shows from her home studio, straight from a website she built herself. Stripping at a local joint came first, but after breaking her wrist, Domino segued away from brick and mortar clubs. She'd heard there was good money to be made doing pretty much the same stuff online — and she could be her own boss.

Odds are, you're referred by a newspaper or website listing. Maybe a friend suggested you try it out. Maybe you're shifting from traditional strip club work to the online equivalent — a popular trend in wealthier countries. Maybe you're working in a brothel where web camming is just another expectation. Whatever the case, you'll have to stream yourself through a web cam portal, one of the massive sites that catalogues thousands of models and acts as a go-between between customer and model.An anonymous webcam model did a Reddit AMA where users asked her every question you've ever wished you could ask a webcam girl (and others you probably wouldn't think to ask ever). Here are the most surprising answers. Working an eight-hour day, she earns close to 4,000 euros (£3,600) per month - nearly 10 times the Romanian average wage. As Lana's employer, Studio 20 also makes 4,000 euros per month from her online sessions. And at the top of the video chat money-making pyramid, LiveJasmin - the online cam site that streams Studio 20's content and is responsible for collecting payment from the credit cards of clients - takes double that: 8,000 euros. I am angry and I am allowed to be, because I am tired of being put in a box. But what is most important is that I do not have regrets because I know what I am.

While I was there, I went through one of the trainings they offer—a cam girl boot camp, so to speak. To be a cam girl, I learned, you have to be able to field sexual requests and be an expert on all kinds of fetishes so that you always know what clients are talking about. On top of that, you also have to be a pseudo therapist. The coach trained me on how to respond to different fetish requests, what to wear, how to do my makeup, how to pose, how to use the equipment, and just how to interact with clients in general. It turns out that, according to my coach, what people like is generally not the super over-the-top sexy woman. They want someone who looks hot but is pretty normal and chill, who they can just talk to."It's up to you as a woman to lead, and that's quite empowering.Domino has it pretty good — an American with ample property and a cushy career based on sex she enjoys. Not everyone is Domino.I made $20AUD in ‘tokens’ (how payments were recorded via the site) my first night. 20 bucks for six hours of sitting around in my underwear, net­flirting with dudes. It wasn’t much, but it was more than I’d make scrolling through Tinder looking for someone I actually wanted to bone IRL. I knew the way to make real money was either by going private (opening a private show chatroom that costs the user a certain amount per minute) or by spending many months on the site building up a following,­ just like any other chaser of internet work/fame! CONTINUED BELOW...

[samgoesdownhill]

Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I was laughing, almost crying, cringing, and wanting to throw it across the room at one point... but I inhaled this book.

Read it in one sitting.

Her story is a phenomenon. Her life is a disaster. In the real world, Eliza Mirk is shy, weird, and friendless. Online, she’s LadyConstellation, the anonymous creator of the wildly popular webcomic Monstrous Sea. Eliza can’t imagine enjoying the real world as much as she loves the online one, and she has no desire to try. Then Wallace Warland, Monstrous Sea’s biggest fanfiction writer, transfers to her school. Wallace thinks Eliza is just another fan, and as he draws her out of her shell, she begins to wonder if a life offline might be worthwhile. But when Eliza’s secret is accidentally shared with the world, everything she’s built—her story, her relationship with Wallace, and even her sanity—begins to fall apart.

*SPOILERS AHEAD* The only real issue I had with this book is that Wallace made Eliza feel so incredibly terrible for not being able to finish the comic. Like she was the most monstrous person on the planet just because she couldn’t do that to make it possible for him to get published. But it was her work. Not his. As an artist and a writer and a huge fan of webcomics, I don’t understand how Eliza could be cool with Wallace technically mooching off her work. Like fanfiction is one thing, that's an interpretation of an authors work in a different setting or with different scenarios or just continuing on where the author might’ve left off. I’ve written fanfiction, I’ve also read a lot of it, and I don’t agree with what he is doing. But he is straight up rewriting her work in novel form then got mad at her for honestly no good reason.

Eliza is incredibly relatable. At one point I had more online friends than IRL friends, I’m an artist (portraits mostly, can’t do comic/manga style for the life of me), I love writing stories and coming up with a fantastical world. I prefer typing out my reply to someone through a computer screen instead of speaking face to face. I thought it was adorable how Wallace writes out his replies in public because he finds it hard to speak in front of others. He is a great interpretation of a fanboy, which we don’t get to read about often. The man guys are more often than not a tall hot jock that doesn’t even know what a manga is. But Wallace was that tall hot jock at one point, yet he still loved Monstrous Sea.

The characters were well developed, they all felt very real to me and I found myself thinking of my old online friends a lot. I’m going to be thinking about this book for a very long time because of Eliza. Her attitude, attachment to her sketchbook and outlook on life are all things I felt in high school.

I’m currently on an adventure of reading books that I will relate with. I’m doing a fairly good job at finding them right now. I scour youtube for book reviews. If you have any YA Contemporaries that YOU identify with, let me know.

[artkaninchenbau]

I really hope Gladstone is going to appear in more episodes of the reboot, mainly because I’m really facinated by how his luck functions in the DT Reboot’s universe and what it thus implies about Donald...

I know I’ve rambled about this subject in the past on multiple occassions, but Gladstone Gander’s luck has the potential to be the most horrifying part of the entire Duckverse, depending on how it’s written. There’s two main ways Gladstone’s luck works; either he has Absolute Luck, or it is Flawed.

The main concept always remains the same: Gladstone Gander is so lucky that he doesn’t have to work or really do anything, in the end he will one way or another benefit from what has happened. He will get something out of it. But how this remains true has always been different among comic writers

Some people like to make Gladstone straight up worship Lady Luck as a goddess and making him work and depend on his luck. Some writers like to make Gladstone’s luck an occasional burden, Gladstone having trouble leaving his house that’s filled to the brim with free things he has won, because the second he steps out he’ll win something else and will have even less roo, is a fairly common comic scenario. And some writers like to like to put a simple downside some of Gladstone’s lucky moments (for example, winning a ticket to a cruise but his roommate is really loud and annoying).

These are all what I considder to be Flawed Luck, where his luck does have bring a downside to his life that seems contradictatory to the concept of “lucky” (although the burden aspect makes it more realistic). Absolute Luck however, has none of these downsides. Absolute Luck is like a law of the universe, that whatever happens, in the end Gladstone Gander mustn’t have to work and must benefit from everything. And so far, the DuckTales reboot seems like it’s leaning more towards this type of luck, and like in most comics where this type of luck has been used, it’s kinda horrifying to think about

You might be thinking that “hey, Gladstone ending up imprisoned and needing help to escape isn’t lucky” and you’re not, that’s not “lucky”. What is “lucky”, is that said unfortunate event helped HDL regain their faith in Donald, increasing their wish to stay with him (and Scrooge) despite cousin Gladstone being more than able to give them better living conditions, and even allowing Donald to escape instead of leaving him trapped forever with the luck spirit.

To explain why that episode was lucky for Gladstone, we need to take a step back and talk about something else: Why wouldn’t Huey, Dewey and Louie want to live with Gladstone, what’s keeping them from staying with him? If they for whatever reason came to the conclusion that living with Uncle Donald and/or Uncle Scrooge was somehow unbearable (poor living conditions due to Donald having a hard time both finding and keeping a job, while Scrooge is a stingy miser and won’t allow for much better living conditions that what Donald can provide), why wouldn’t they demand to live with Gladstone who can provide for them and give them everything they need and want? Hell, the boys pretty much agreed that Gladstone was a cooler uncle than Donald is in the begining of the episode, so on paper them living with Gladstone would be a better situation for them! ...But it wouldn’t be better for Gladstone;

While I’m sure Gladstone’s luck would allow him to get a nanny to look after the three, he’d still be stuck with the boys, he’d still be responsible for them, he’d still have to take them into considderation when doing anything (be it going on a trip and making sure no one gets lost/hurt, or just going on a date with... does Daisy even exist in the reboot..???). Even if Gladstone’s luck would look after the boys for him, it still would be a burden (even a minor one) on him and his luck. And while living with Gladstone would be better in IRL-terms, Gladstone can’t really fulfill the boys’ need for adventure the same way Scrooge can, and he certainly can’t protect the boys like Donald can; that’s work, and his luck is trying to protect him from work, so the boys’ lives would end up being much different from what the show is like.

In fact, we have an example of what it would be like if the boys had always been living with Gladstone instead of Donald; here’s a snipet from Don Rosa’s “The Duck Who Never Was” (1994), a story in which Donald goes into an alternative reality where he had never been born...

Of course, it’s hard to imagine that happening to the boys in the DT Reboot if they moved in with Gladstone (well, except for Louie), but this does give us an idea of what life would be like for them; sitting on the couch, doing pretty much nothing. It wouldn’t be good for them, and Gladstone wouldn’t be fond of the arrangement either I’m sure.

And this is why Gladstone’s luck made sure that by the end of episode 6, HDL thought Donald was cool and inspiring enough to want to life keeping on living with him instead of Gladstone. This is why Gladstone’s luck made sure Donald would keep on trying to win the race and free the whole family. This is why Gladstone’s luck allowed Donald’s bad luck to dissapear for a moment, just to allow him escape at the end*. Everything in this episode happened for a reason. Everything, from Donald’s bad luck making him look bad, to Gladstone finding a $20 bill on the floor that made him lose the race. All of these things had the happen, because they were crucial to making sure one way or another, Gladstone’s life would continue to be as easy (or in other words, lucky) for him as it had been up until now.

That is what makes Gladstone’s luck so scary. If everything happened according to the Will of Gladstone’s Luck, it means that Donald Duck has no free will or ability to do what he wants, he is a puppet who exists to do Gladstone Gander’s dirty work for him. It’s not that Donald managed to come out on top by doing his best, Gladstone’s luck just allowed, no, FORCED Donald to save the day. Because if he didn’t, Gladstone would’ve ended up either a prisoner of the luck spirit, or potentially as the new foster parent of HDL.

Donald won, because as Gladstone’s luck dictates, not having to work is lucky, and Donald, being the embodiment of unlucky, has no other choice but to work so that Gladstone doesn’t have to, and Gladstone’s Luck is Absolute.

“I literally can’t lose”

And this is a fate that Donald will never be able to escape. As long as Gladstone lives, Donald can’t give up, he must keep doing whatever he’s doing, because that somehow benefits Gladstone, and that is scary.

*Side rant: I mean, if Donald’s bad luck had truly been bad, his bad luck should’ve turned good so that the luck spirit would’ve wanted to keep Donald forever; that’d be a truly unlucky situation for Donald. But because his bad luck stayed bad, Donald was able to escape, making his escape lucky. I am absolutely willing to blame this kind of confusing paradox on Gladstone’s luck