#in a very much ''overriding someone's will" kind of way

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Would you mind talking more about Ghost? I dig your interpretation on him so i'm curious if you'd share your thoughts; since i know how COD in general writes these characters and we know romance isn't on the table for them, ESP for someone like Ghost (even confimred by his voice actor too!)

So all that aside, in your opinion, what would it take to win Ghost's heart (or well, Simon's)? :)

It's great to hear you like my interpretation of Ghost! I'll gladly share my thoughts on this, the supposed love life of Simon Riley is one of my favorite subjects 🧐

Thoughts on what would it take to win Simon's heart under the cut ->

To be honest I see it highly unlikely that Ghost would date. I think Samuel Roukin's opinion on this matter was spot on. Simon's traumatic background, trust issues, the need to stay anonymous and his profession as a special ops soldier is just too heavy a combo. His family's murder and multiple betrayals have pushed him on a path of extreme independence and made him evade any kind of attachment.

That being said... I'm a hopeless romantic and love to imagine scenarios just like every other little simp here 🩷💋, and I've pictured (and occasionally written) him to be drawn to someone who is principally the opposite of himself, but who also has a dash of angst in their heart and firsthand experience or at least some basic understanding of complex trauma.

A positive vibes only/sunshine type of person would not resonate well with his darkness, and a carefree joker would only annoy him. Then again, there's Soap – but the thing with John MacTavish is that he shares the same profession and in that way, is not a stranger to the Underworld. Their banter is also evidence enough that Soap is not afraid of Ghost's madness and even looks up to him – actually a perfect way to make someone like Ghost enjoy your company. This man has a terrible praise kink but he can't stand spineless bootlickers. So the adoration should happen in a "I trust you and would follow you to hell & back" kind of way.

However, due to the shit he's been through, I'd say (contrary to popular headcanon, I dunno?) that Simon would likely fall for someone outside the military world. First of all, he's very uncomfortable with the fact that his partner has to fear for his safety. But the fear of losing his partner to the dangers of this profession would be a little too much. It would only trigger a shitload of PTSD stuff. The fear of losing a loved one again would override the mutual experience and bonding through warfare, all the elements which otherwise might be pull factors in a military love interest. On the other hand, people with traumatic backgrounds tend to repeat the pattern, no matter how horrific or unsafe, simply because it's familiar. Still, I'd say someone from the base personnel would be a more alluring option for him. The shared hell, so to say, could make the foundations of this relationship quite dark. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing!

Deep down, Simon would be attracted to softness. Not innocence, per se, just something different from the realm in which he operates. This is why I think he could definitely fall for "a normie". He would appreciate dark humor and a certain kind of fearlessness, however. What ultimately would win his heart is someone who can stand, even cherish, his melancholy and cynicism and life choices and who is not on a quest to change or "fix" him.

I think Simon's ultimate wish is to find a home because he has lost it (or hasn't really had one in the first place). He's a leader and has to provide safety and support on a daily basis to the people under his command. But who offers support and safety to him? He knows how to protect people but doesn't know how to create a safe space, so he would appreciate someone who makes him feel he's finally found his way home. I think he yearns for a small measure of peace and a slice of normal life to wash away the adrenaline and blood and filth, he wants a small corner free from the demons that haunt him, even if he would reluctantly (if ever) admit that he does.

[caointeag]

I was thinking about this kind of thing last night but I think overall Lyarra has a complex relationship with sexuality/sex/sensuality across every verse similar to her scar where the why might change but it's a character constant.

To kind of explain her general thing, she basically has intimacy and trust issues, she also fails to see why someone would want her in a sexual/romantic way outside of the whole like "evil horndog/anything that moves" kind of way-- like her, specifically as a person. She doesn't understand picking her over someone else. She finds it hard to believe people's genuine intentions in general but especially when it comes to her own personage and body. Just the idea of being naked/vulnerable with another person in the room and sex on the table makes her very uncomfortable.

On the other hand when she has a genuine connection with someone she's able overcome a decent amount of this by having built up a lot of trust and just raw attraction and want that she can let it override her tendencies to anxiety and negative thinking. Literally at the start of a relationship she kinda needs to be so horny it overrides her brain to actually have sex and then she muddles on from there. She also tends not be shy about letting what she wants be known once she's actually in the moment.

I think a lot of it also stems from her gaining comfort from having control or knowledge/experience with something. She likes having a certain amount of control over the things that can hurt her emotionally and to know what she's getting into beforehand. but how can you know how something like sex is gonna go/works in a visceral way/with that person/etc if you never do it? it's kind of a catch 22-- not wanting to engage without a certain level of experience/confidence but not doing the things that would give her the experience to gain that confidece.

She spend so much time avoiding that perceived emotional/physical danger that she denies herself a lot of even self-exploration into what she likes/doesn't like. Which how the experiences she has with guys like Maron and Aemond end up being such bombshells for her. She genuinely didn't even know what kind of guy she liked until she's forced into interaction with them. She ends up having those kinds of internal conversations that are like "i find this about him very attractive, is it normal to find that attractive?" because she genuinely as no idea, she never got into any of these kinds of gossipy experimental conversations, she actively avoided the.

And all that avoidance leads to her feeling unprepared and inadequate. She also just doesn't get why someone would want her beyond she's like, Technically Fuckable. She doesn't think she's ugly or anything, she knows she's attractive by general standards but she's also just so like... neutral about her body. It's just there, this thing that walks her brain around and lets her grab things so she doesn't get what so desirable about her specifically. There's probably some other fun psychological issues lurking around contributing to that but i'm not putting in the effort to find them rn. But feeling can make her feel a bit awkward during intimate encounters, she's absolutely not one to flirt or be suggestive or flaunt herself just because she feels like she looks cringe and weird and off-putting.

Like I can't imagine her in anything more "Sexy" than a nice nightie, she would do pole dancing for exercise but if they had a little class show she wouldn't invite her partner even if they were already having sex. She could never try to seduce someone without hating herself for acting like a freak. She struggles to think about what she might actually enjoy sexually when not actively in the moment and engaging in the act and then she's constantly surprised at what she's into.

In her main verse it's definitely related to a whole quagmire of issues but a major factor Lyanna and her fate. Lyarra gets likened to her aunt a lot growing up and as she gets older she gains a better understanding of how people think Lyanna died -- which seems to basically be they think she was raped to death. Like yes, people say she died of a fever but what does a man kidnap a girl for if not to have her sexually? and if you're in a bad enough physical state then it wouldn't be a shock if you died of a fever. At least that's how Lyarra has worked through all the tidbits and gossip and talk that floated around her growing up.

Which then makes the comparisons between her and her aunt, always innocent and well meaning from the people at Winterfell not so much from King Robert, very distressing. She can't imagine a worse fate and it very much colors her view of the whole concept of sexy. If she's so like Lyanna then there's a threat of there being a Rhaeger around every corner and now every man she hasn't known for years is a threat. It colors all her willing encounters with this sense of danger and worry because it adds this sense of sex/sexuality being physically dangerous even when it's not. Which certainly isn't helped by the fact childbirth in this time is very very physically dangerous.

But yes. Long rambly thing to basically say Lyarra has deep seated intimacy issues and only thinks flirting or acting sexy is hot when her partner does it.

[wetcatspellcaster]

Hi dear Ms. Wet Cat, I’d like to scream about the latest Pieces chapter if that’s all right!

I think taking away flirting from Astarion is fucking GENIUS. It’s so fascinating to see him try to navigate direct communication and being so… honest?? We all knew but the contrast really illuminates how much he was actually deflecting all the fucking time.

Also I’m now so invested in Astarion and Ser Verity’s relationship I’m not even kidding. You write her delightfully. And I realized we definitely need to see more Astarion/cat action in general. Let 👏🏻 Astarion 👏🏻 pet 👏🏻 cats 👏🏻 (and wear jumpers because that was fucking adorable)

I’ve been thinking about your Astarion and wanted to ask you — do you think he is sort of even more weary of himself than in game? Cazador controlled him but not to the point of complete override like Ascendent did. He used ALL of him, none of him was his own. And now even tiny things like his body language and ways of communicating feel tainted?

hello very lovely anon, thank you for the message! <3

I'm really thankful for the kind feedback! Act 3 has weirdly and accidentally become the most AU characterisation of both characters, and I only appreciated this once I'd returned to my in-game narrative lmao. Astarion is feeling guilty and weird about flirting!! Rosalie is just tired and wants a hug!! He's waiting for an explosive argument and a roast that's never going to come, because Rose said all she needed to to the Ascendent and she just wants to rest!!

Anyway, it means the chapters are taking a little longer to draft and a lot more thought than usual. I'm really thankful people are enjoying it, I think it's going to be fun getting them both back onto an even keel but I'm doing it carefully. Knowing readers are still on board with my shenanigans is always a relief lmao.

As to your question! I one day dream about writing a meta post of what the Ascendent is so I can explain every facet of my thinking, but the fear the Ascendent represents to me is [REDACTED - to be explained in due course], and the fear he represents for Astarion is a mixture of extreme, unpleasant dissociation in traumatic episodes, [REDACTED - to be explained in due course], and the idea that someone only ever wanted the facade. That they only ever wanted the experience the body and what the body could facilitate, with no care for what's underneath. So yeah, he's feeling some kind of way about himself. Like yes, he's done horrible things to Rosalie, but he wasn't in control of any of it - that's the dissociation. You're right, it did use all of him. But he also has a set of memories confirming that what people wanted from his was just sexual fantasy and power, and so while there's disgust at his own behaviour and the time he's lost basically being driven by an outside force, there's also the knowledge that people liked him like that, which um. I don't know. Confirms a lot of what I think his fears are? That personally would cause me to freak out. No wonder flirting feels weird!

(To end on a lighter note, Ser Verity is a combination of three cats in my life, my two little demons and then my bestie's cat, so truly like. just a chimera of cat energy!)

[obscuremarvelmuses]

Some headcanons for Aqueduct aka Peter Van Zante: -  His self-esteem is very easily influenced by external events. For instance, when he's suffered a setback or defeat, he becomes insecure, pessimistic, and dumps on himself terribly. All the insecurity vanishes, however, the moment he has the upper hand. He becomes a gloating egomaniac, drunk on his own sudden rush of self-esteem, certain of his unbeatable supremacy...until it all comes crashing down on him in the next instant. He'd probably like to be a confident bully for real, but he's too emotionally fragile to keep that up for long. This is why he feels much better when he's working with a partner or a group; he can enjoy the mental high of success, but escape the lows of defeat by deferring the responsibility for it on to whoever is in charge. -  Pete’s heterosexual and not used to female attention, and can easily be swayed or distracted by an attractive woman who seems to be flirting with him, or if one appears hurt or in distress (though his selfishness may also override those situations in favor of his own self-preservation)  - Due to his fragile self-esteem, Peter is easily manipulated by flattery or insults in general - Canon art depicts him the same way they depict all men, but I headcanon him as kinda chubby - Last we saw in canon he had his hair in a mohawk, and before that it was worn long in the 90s, but mine has his short like he originally did in his Water Wizard days -  He dresses in a casual, working-class normcore kind of way, with most of his clothing being in muted blue or teal, accented with a brown leather belt or shoes. A typical outfit would be a long-sleeved blue or green work shirt worn open as a jacket over a short-or-long-sleeved T-shirt in solid white, solid navy, or striped olive, with a brown belt, relaxed-fit blue jeans, and brown work boots. - He's a serial hobbyist who gives up on everything before he ever gets good. He took tap dancing lessons as a kid, is afraid of bees, thinks 3D printing is cool even if he doesn’t understand it, decent at grilling, has a metal detector he’s never used, can juggle up to three balls pretty ok, got into leather engraving just long enough to halfway etch a design on a belt he’s never finished. His most recent interest is RC hobby cars, and he just might stick with this one for awhile. He's just one and it's a cheap model, but he's really fond of it. - He has a strained relationship with his parents due to his aimless nature and consistent criminal activity. He’s also borrowed a lot of money from them that they're never getting back.  - Likes grunge music, psychedelic rock, and easy listening - Peter will shift blame if he can so he doesn’t feel bad for a failure or mistakes, because he will beat himself up BAD for those if he CAN’T find someone else to blame -  Despite his tendencies towards morose self-pity sessions, he's not bad company if he's not in a bad mood. He's fairly affable to others, and gets on well with most of his social group, which is to say, other Average Joe working class types who are a lot like him. He's not particularly complicated in social terms; he responds well to people being kind or cordial, and hostile to those he perceives as rude or challenging him. He's the kind of guy you can have a beer with, though also not the most sensitive or astute. - His biggest limit on his very potent power is his lack of brains regarding how to use it

[yinyangswings]

Single Parent AU

So I was kind of inspired by @musicfeedsmysoul12 headcanon of the Havenfall is for Lover’s MC being a single mother. As I also like that AU I decided to give it a go. I tried to keep it as different as I could to musicfeedsmysoul12‘s which is here.

It’s a bit long so I’m placing them in the Read Below

Mackenzie

The kid is a 9 year old non-binary kid who has a minor seizure condition. Their parents' whereabouts are unknown. They were taken in and adopted by MC. They love MC and her family for taking them in, though sometimes they wonder if they’re a burden for MC.

It is later discovered that their parents are part of Code Black, but abandoned them due to their condition. They have a hard time forgiving them for that.

Mac can sense when they are going to have a seizure. If she’s nearby she’ll make sure they know to lie down. MC is super appreciative of it.

She did this even before MC knew about her being a werewolf

Mac is really nervous at first to date MC because of them. Not because she’s dating someone with a kid, she doesn’t mind that. But because she doesn’t want the kid to think that she’s taking her away from them.

Mac asks JD for advice so she doesn’t misgender them.

Hugely appreciated by them.

Beau makes off handed threats towards the kid. It doesn’t end well.

Not even the Beast is amused by that. And she doesn’t even like the kid.

They and Mackenzie bond over comic books. Mac is so pleased to have another person to geek out on comics with.

Do they cosplay? Hell yeah!!!

While both MC and Mac are good parents, Mac is definitely the stricter one of the two. Though she’s not as good as MC is against the puppy-dog eyes.

Especially when the triplets and them use it against her in the future.

Mac’s parents absolutely love them. They are their first grandchild. Doesn’t matter if they aren’t biologically related. GRANDCHILD.

Annabelle loves the kid and is a protective older sister.

No one messes with them. No. One.

Damien is protective of them too, though he shows it more in a ‘I’m annoyed older brother’ kind of way.

He may act annoyed to have them following him around, especially if Annabelle is nearby, but threaten them and there is one angry werewolf glaring and growling at whoever is dumb enough to do it.

They call her Mom in the middle of the third season. They get the biggest hug from Mac, to the point they don’t think Mac is going to let go anytime soon.

That protectiveness is ten-fold after that. No one gets close to that kid without Mac knowing.

When Grace comes back, she tries to bring them to Code Black, but they vehemently refuse. They’re already where they want to be and are home. They are even more adamant about it when they find out their bio parents are a part of the Code Black.

This does cause a bit of tension because they don’t know what their parents are capable of, and whether or not they’ve unintentionally endangered the entire town. And they’re terrified that MC and Mac will leave them eventually because of their condition.

Mac is quick to reject that idea, and says as far as she’s concerned, they’re part of her family. Her pack. They aren’t going anywhere.

Elmer gets used to seeing them coming into the station while MC is working, bringing dinner for Mac, because their mom worries.

He finds it extremely cute and he usually chats with them if they wind up waiting for Mac

They are super excited when they find out MC is having kids. And they’ll be the best big sibling. Granted they did not take into account the werewolf genes. Seriously, they are the oldest of the siblings and still the shortest. They are not amused.

They are perfectly fine with getting bitten and becoming a werewolf. This is their pack, of course they want to be fully a part of it. They don’t know how the whole medical condition would play into it though, so they’re waiting a little bit and researching.

Diego

The kid is a 10 month old little girl that looks exactly like MC. She’s the result of a one-night stand for MC and the father doesn’t want anything to do with her. He’ll pay child support and that’s about it (and even that is like pulling teeth).

Grace insists she’s the favorite aunt (though MC likes to point out she’s the only aunt).

Diego is her doctor, though she does have a pediatric doctor to go to. His necklace is a favorite thing to latch onto by the curious 10 month old. And she has quite the grip.

She also really likes his sunglasses. It’s only after Diego is revealed to be a vampire to MC that he lets her actually hold onto them. Now they are almost always covered in baby drool.

Diego takes longer to accept being with MC because he worries about endangering MC and her daughter, but the 10 month old is apparently just as stubborn as her mother and really likes Diego and makes her opinions known.

MC found it adorable and hilarious the first time she made him hold her where it wasn’t a check-up. He looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Dada is her first word, directed at Diego. The vampire basically breaks down when she says that.

Because Diego doesn’t need to sleep, he tends to be the one who gets to her first if she wakes up at night.

He sings lullabies to her in Spanish.

Once he finds out (through Victor) that MC has a daughter, Antonio makes it very clear to Victor and the other lackies to stay away from the infant. It’s not like she can protect herself and he wouldn’t go that low to get revenge on Diego.

Grace has a really hard time trusting her niece alone with Diego after she returns. Diego understands it, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.

Her crying for him from Grace’s arms does not make it easier either. MC sneaks her out for some ‘daddy time’ with Diego, something both of them enjoy.

There is a temporary truce when she gets a really bad fever and MC convinces Grace to let Diego check on her. She’s not thrilled, but her love for her niece overrides her distrust of vampires.

Dracula begins to have an interest in the girl when he’s looking for and locates Diego. She looks so much like a woman who had managed to escape his clutches centuries ago.

This terrifies Diego. He debates leaving them to protect MC and her, though he realizes quickly that Dracula will try and take her whether he’s there or not if he decides she’s worth his time.

Dracula makes comments about making her a future bride when she’s older which pisses Diego off and terrifies him.

When they’re on the run from Dracula, they run into her biological father. He makes several choice comments to MC about their daughter, implying that it’s likely the little girl isn’t even his to start off with. Diego gets really, really angry at that.

Dracula uses her as bait against Diego and MC.

She likes Eva a lot. First meeting with Antonio after everything that had happened in season 1-2, she pukes on him.

And Diego laughs about it every chance he remembers.

MC struggles a lot with not drinking her daughter's blood right after she becomes a vampire.

It terrifies her with the very idea of accidentally killing her daughter for her blood. Diego is vigilant and ensures the two aren’t alone together after MC is transformed for a little while.

Playing ‘doctor’ with Diego when she’s a little older, which means Diego has to endure being wrapped up like a mummy with toilet paper. MC finds it adorable.

Spike is rather protective of her and incredibly patient with her for being a hellhound.

They are both adorable together and heart attack inducing when Spike occasionally teleports with her holding onto him.

First time that happened sent both Diego and MC into hysterics.

When she’s older, she says she wants to be a doctor. No, Diego doesn’t cry.

Much...he gets choked up a bit about it.

Diego and MC agree to let her choose when she’s old enough if she wants to be changed into a vampire.

JD

The kid is a spunky 7 year old girl who was adopted by MC. MC and her mother were in a relationship but her mother died in an accident. MC took her in after the grandparents and father stated they didn’t want custody of her. The father was because he had a new family, the grandparents because their daughter died going to pick her up.

She has severe abandonment issues over this.

She hides those issues through sarcasm.

Her favorite color is pink, but she yearns to have a leather jacket like JD. She eventually gets one and it’s her favorite thing ever.

JD gives her the nickname Punky Pink, or PP for short. She does not approve of the abbreviation.

JD tries to keep everything with MC as casual as possible and tries to not be a parent. Because this is MC and she has a kid. And they are not a good parental figure. At all.

That is evident with her coming to the bowling alley after school and the amount of trouble they get both of them in.

She loves their wings. JD HAS WINGS. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

She was very, very disappointed that the books have misrepresented them.

You’re supposed to have a goat head. And cloven hooves.

Who says I don’t have the hooves?

Those boots.

She makes a report about JD for school. Thankfully it was a creative writing project so no one really suspected she was telling the truth.

It did result in a teacher conference however. JD was very amused when they found out through MC.

JD has the paper framed and keeps it in their room.

Her mother’s grandparents are complete jerks to her, and say they wished she had died instead of her mother which just breaks her. And it pisses JD off.

They make sure to let those assholes know what they think of ditching that little girl. Doesn’t even care if they get in trouble with Mac.

After that, they take her on a really long drive on their motorcycle, and they talk about people being jerks, but that doesn’t define her or them. And she has MC that loves her to death and everyone in town who loves her too.

JD is usually just called ‘JD’ by her, though this is usually met with confusion

“We need to call your guardian.”

“Well there’s Mom and JD? Which one do you want?”

“Is JD your other mom or your dad?”

“Yes.”

She doesn’t put up with misgendering bullshit and has gotten into fistfights at school for it. She doesn’t get into trouble with MC for it though and JD is very touched over it.

Hikari and Grace battle on who is the best aunt.

It does not help when Gwen joins in.

The Facestealers wind up being nightmare fuel for the seven year old, and she has to sleep curled up to MC for several days. One day she falls asleep and just clings to JD, who at first tries to get her off of them, but basically relents when she winds up having a death grip on their sleeve. Only time Razi doesn’t get annoyed and scolds JD for not doing work.

Nessie is enraged with the girl and MC getting in the way of her and JD. She attempts to kill her and MC because of her belief that both of them are taking JD from her.

Lucifer takes an interest in her and manages to talk to her once without JD or MC present. She had been out exploring when he found her. JD is not happy when they find out, because Lucifer makes sure they know he was near her and close enough to where he could touch her.

JD almost has a panic attack and gets really angry, scaring her and making her think she’s done something wrong and that they’ll leave because of it. It takes several people to convince her that that’s not the case and that they aren’t angry at her.

JD makes it very clear afterwards to their dad. He’s not allowed near her. Not now, not ever. Do not touch her, do not look at her. There will be hell to pay if he comes near her again.

She panics when JD gives up their freedom for MC. Like she’s curled up in her bedroom, crying.

Rip Van Winkle did not know who he was messing with when she fell under the spell right in front of JD. Pure burning chaos.

Razi

The kid is an eight year old girl who is deaf. She is of Asian descent. MC had been dating her father before he died in an accident when she was six. Her mother had passed away years before, and with no other direct blood relations, MC adopts her so she doesn’t become another statistic in the system. Though she can’t hear, she knows sign language and can read lips. MC and Grace learned how to do it when MC was with her father. The others in HifL learn as well.

JD learns the words that an eight year old probably shouldn’t know. They state it’s good for her to learn the colorful language too. Razi is not amused.

Because she’s deaf, Jonas’s music doesn’t affect her, which is a relief to MC and Razi. Though it does lead to a few panicked moments in later seasons, such as when Baba Yaga makes her appearance.

She ships MC and Razi so hard.

She and JD make bets on who cracks first. JD now owes her several boxes of candy.

She has a personality like Mabel Pines which is both hilarious and tiring for Razi and MC

She gets along with Razi pretty well.

She’s always trying to play matchmaker for MC

She had already been calling MC ‘Mom’ for a little bit prior to the beginning of the whole series, but started calling Razi ‘Dad’ respectfully in Season 3. No. Razi doesn’t cry. He swears he doesn’t cry.

He does. He totally does and JD has photo evidence.

JD offers to babysit her a lot so MC and Razi can have alone time. Usually they say no, but JD figures what Razi and MC don’t know/notice, won’t hurt them. They usually go around town on their motorcycle with her. They make sure she wears a helmet of course. Because safety!

Razi is terrified about Baba Yaga ever going after her. Cue him finding out who Baba Yaga is and how many times she was left alone unknowingly with the child eater.

He does not take it well to say the least.

It is revealed that her mother was a kitsune who fell in love and married a human but was later killed, and she takes after her mother in regard to a long time span. She is unable to transform into a kitsune, she will live much longer than any human, and aging will slow down once she reaches adulthood.

This is a relief to the Nassar family, especially Razi, as they won’t have to see her grow old and die, because it is something that he wouldn’t be able to handle.

Roshni and Rahim love to tease Razi with how protective he is over the girl

Roshni convinces Rahim to put fake press on tattoos on the side of the girl’s face and says she took her first tattoo like a champ just to mess with Razi. Razi nearly has a heart attack.

Roshni and Rahim are the best aunt and uncle.

She is the best big sister to Roxie. Very protective of her and is usually following her around everywhere.

Maybe not as protective as Razi is to the both of them, but dang close.

Vanessa

A two year old bio boy for MC. She had been in a relationship with him, but unfortunately he was killed by a mugging gone bad. He’s a very quiet boy, to the point where people don’t notice him until he makes a sound.

MC is really protective of him.

He is a very curious boy, and tends to wander a lot. He’s also in that phase where he tries to taste everything.

Which has Vanessa panicking because she has way too many things that are deadly that he keeps trying to put in his mouth, Oh God.

And she hasn’t really had to deal with kids, at least that young. At least not in a long time. And now she has to protect this boy and his mom. Stress galore. So she isn’t sure about this relationship

Equally MC isn’t sure about being with a woman who literally hunts mythical creatures and endangering herself and possibly MC and her kid

They do begin to bond by Vanessa introducing him to anime and manga. She keeps it completely age appropriate and he seems to enjoy it.

She pledges to protect him and MC from the Dracula brides.

Eventually she gets the hang of parenting, though she still leaves a lot of it to MC

Antonio

The kid is a ten year old boy who was adopted by MC. His parents were not good people and he was pretty much abandoned by them. He is very protective of MC and Grace and has anxiety with them possibly leaving him.

He promises Grace to look after MC, even though he’s ten and has the strength of a wet noodle.

Antonio did NOT know that MC was a guardian to a kid. Heck the kid was asleep in the back of the truck when Antonio kidnapped MC in the first place.

This complicates things quite a bit. He can’t go through with this. If he couldn’t face Eva if he used MC’s blood to resurrect her, Eva would never forgive him for orphaning a kid.

Igor becomes very interested with the boy initially, not realizing he’s adopted. If Antonio isn’t going to kill MC because he grew a conscience, the boy should be fair game.

Igor’s threat against him lessens once he realizes that the boy is not blood related to MC. Doesn’t mean he’s not below using him as bait against MC and later on Antonio. Antonio is not pleased.

He is sarcastic as hell and doesn’t mind making digs on how old Antonio is, despite the fact Antonio is perfectly aware of how things work in the modern era.

He found some of Antonio’s attempts at making movies. He will not name names or give any hint of his resources. Much to Antonio’s displeasure.

Diego finds this hilarious. So does Eva.

He’s really patient with Eva and doesn’t mind showing her what or how technologies work. Unlike Antonio, she’s been dead for 500 years. Kind of a big technological gap to learn from.

When MC’s blood is poisoned, he offers Antonio his blood in the meantime.

Antonio rejects the offer, even though he appreciates the sentiment.

Antonio is in charge of answering questions about history later on. This is both a good thing, but also a bad thing when the textbooks get something wrong. MC has to remind both of them that ‘my mom’s vampire boyfriend’ is not a resource to use in papers.

“This is completely inaccurate. What research did this ‘author’ use and where did they get it?? It’s total crap.”

“Remind me to not show you any books about the explorers. Especially Cortes.”

“Why?”

“Er...no reason.”

Thankfully word gets around pretty quickly and Frankenstein as well as the Cult of Blood leave him alone for the most part. The Cult of Blood snatches him along with MC, but that is basically to keep her compliant.

He doesn’t like Victor at all. Don’t ask him why, he just doesn’t.

Antonio is protective of the kid, even though they act like mortal enemies in the beginning. It’s like Diego and Antonio, only if Diego was shorter and can’t speak a lick of Spanish.

They run into his parents unintentionally and he sees them before anyone else. He hides the fact he spots them, but wanders away to have a chat. It goes about as well as to be expected.

It results in him getting a smack across the face from a very angry mom and a warning from the dad. MC is not happy when he gets back to them with scratch marks across his face.

It takes MC quite a long time to convince Antonio that he can’t kill them, even if they’ve earned it.

Antonio will say things in Spanish around him just to mess with him. It’s fun until the kid starts learning Spanish. And then he has to explain to MC why she was informed that he called the kid an ass.

He blames Diego, who neither confirms nor denies it

After Igor, Frankenstein, The Master, Cult of Blood, and Benedict he tells Antonio he needs a really good vampire therapist.

He’s only half-joking

He also thinks he might need to start making a will at the rate this is going because he doesn’t know if he’ll make it to age 15.

He says this as a joke, but that absolutely terrifies Antonio.

Antonio pretty much plans for the kid to become a vampire when he’s a little older.

[moneypedia]

By Drew Shepherd

“You’re so judgmental!!!”

That’s the response I get when I delve a little too deep into my analytical side.

I’m somewhat of a perfectionist myself, so it’s no surprise that I hold others to my own lofty standards. And that’s one of many flaws I’m still working on.

There are certain times, however, when I’m unapologetic in my ways. And as you can see by the title of this article, this is one of those times.

The ability to screen out promiscuous women is one of the most valuable skills any man can have. It keeps you from wasting precious resources on a girl who couldn’t care less about you, and it protects you from being yet another clueless man in the dark.

A girl who sleeps around is never a good choice for your investment. And no matter what our culture tries to prove, the truth is that past sexual experience will always affect future relationships for the worse.

That’s why I created this list of 15 red flags to look for when you evaluate a potential partner.

This list is by no means exhaustive, and I’m sure there are plenty more signs you should be aware of too. But this one is intended to be a relatively quick check, and I’ve tried to limit it to signs you can notice within a few weeks at the most, or that you can easily find out with a scan of her social media.

Now I’m sure both you and I will catch some flak here for being “judgmental”, but remember, it’s not wrong to look out for your own interests. And in order to protect those interests, you need to discern the character of the people closest to you.

Being judgmental is assuming people’s character based on qualities outside their control. Discernment is deducing their character based on info they freely provide.

Only a fool would need a DNA test on an apple tree to confirm what it is…

Smart people just look at the fruit.

The 15 Red Flags Every Man Should Know

#1 She can’t stay at home. / She’s a party girl.

What it means: She needs excitement.

If she can’t enjoy a quiet night at home, walk away.

These kind of girls seem fun and interesting at first, but their lifestyle gets old fast. Plus there’s no telling how many intoxicated guys have taken their shot at her.

So find a girl who would rather read a book, watch a TV show, work out at home, cook a new meal, or talk to her friends on the phone.

“But that doesn’t sound like fun…”

No, most guys would say it doesn’t. But you know what’s more important than fun in relationships?

Stability.

A girl who runs out of her place every night has a need for excitement. And that need will find a way to bite you.

Sure, everything will be great when you’re both in a good mood, but what happens when she gets bored, or worse, when she’s unhappy?

If she needed excitement before she met you she will need it afterwards. And those thrills won’t be limited to a few drinks with the girls.

Most people are plenty fun when you get to know them anyway. So instead of worrying about that, ask yourself some more important questions:

Will she be there during a rough patch in your life?

Will she say “no” when a bigger fish comes along?

Does she avoid situations where she’ll be unnecessarily tempted?

Those are the questions you want answered (indirectly of course—actions speak louder than words).

Work on all those first. Then you can talk about fun.

#2 She has too many male friends.

What it means: She’s addicted to male attention.

Notice I said friends here and not acquaintances.

There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a conversation with a man. And if you do have a problem with that, you’re too possessive. A woman making small talk with her male coworker isn’t cause for concern.

But if she has close relationships to other guys, and she consistently talks to them about personal issues, that’s when you should be worried.

The true number of platonic male-female relationships is very small, and most of them only exist due to special circumstances.

But for the most part, men and women do not just become friends.

The truth is that the two sexes are equal, but different. And it’s tough for us to form close bonds outside of a romantic or sexual relationship.

Any girl who has tons of guy friends is bad news because almost all of them are attracted to her. And since she hasn’t made an effort to turn them down, it means she’s addicted to their attention.

If you don’t meet the requirements of such a popular girl, she’ll eagerly pick a replacement from her pool of waiting “friends”.

#3 She has tattoos or piercings on interior body parts.

What it means: She’s impulsive.

I’ve never been a fan of tattoos, so I wouldn’t look for a significant other who has any. But this red flag is more about the positioning of the ones she has.

If a girl has tattoos or piercings on any interior body parts (i.e. her upper thighs, torso, etc.), it is not a good sign. And here are only a few reasons why:

Someone had to put it there

People don’t get tattoos to cover them up

She makes long-term decisions based on short-term results

It’s just a terrible choice all around. Why would you taint the natural beauty you have with a man-made distraction?

It doesn’t make sense to me.

But in a way, I guess you should be happy when you see a girl like this. She’s made your job easy by effectively saying, “Don’t take me serious.”

#4 She’s a (moderate to heavy) drinker. / She does recreational drugs.

What it means: She allows unnecessary temptation.

Contrary to popular belief, human beings are not inherently good. And when given the choice, we will always be inclined to do what’s morally wrong.

Many times our conscious thought overrides this inclination, but whenever alcohol or drugs are involved, that inhibition goes out the window.

The point here is related to the first red flag about party girls—she allows herself to be tempted. And why would you ever trust a girl who intentionally lowers her self-control?

You are playing with fire and you know it.

Yes, crimes like theft will always be wrong, but we all have a responsibility to lock our doors.

#5 She’s a man hater. / She tests you to see if you’re man enough.

What it means: She lacks healthy relationships with the men in her life.

“All men are blah blah blah…”

“Guys only care about blah blah blah…”

“Men don’t deserve blah blah blah blah blah…”

Yeah, it’s annoying.

Man haters are the worst. I understand that some of us really are terrible, but if every guy she meets is like that, take a look at the common denominator.

Yes, I’m tough on the opposite sex sometimes, but even I know that there are fantastic women out there.

You can’t let the good ones convince you that all girls are sweet and innocent, and you can’t let the bad ones blind you to the praiseworthy women either.

The same is true about our side.

So if a girl always complains about the men in her life, she’s either still bitter about a failed relationship, or she presents herself as an object for men to lust after.

#6 She can’t put her phone down. / She’s addicted to social media.

What it means: She craves attention and drama.

The online version of too many male friends.

A smart girl knows that male attention doesn’t result from her “amazing personality”.

The number of friends and likes she gets is directly proportional to how attractive people think she is.

This stuff is honestly common sense by now but you still see the same thing all the time. A fairly attractive girl only has to post a few pictures, and boom, she’s got 50 dudes trying to hit her up.

She probably won’t give any of them the time of day—unless one of them is like, so hot—but at least she got her daily attention fix. Plus she’s found a new group of reliable “friends” to support her.

It’s ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on the drama.

If she’s more interested in her phone than she is in you, don’t try to change her mind.

#7 She’s comfortable in revealing clothes. / She’s insensitive to male touch.

What it means: She’s used to it.

Do you really think she dresses that way for you?

Do you honestly believe it’s normal for guys to hug and hold her like it’s no big deal?

She’s used to it, man. And even if she isn’t promiscuous now, it won’t take much effort for her to get that way.

But going back to her style of dress, you might believe her choice of clothes doesn’t matter anymore. You think that times have changed, and this girl is different. So different in fact that she’s above all of human nature.

Yeah, keep believing that.

The reality is that men are visual creatures. And both men and women instinctively know that the way a women dresses determines the type of attention she gets.

Our society doesn’t like to acknowledge that fact nowadays, so we try to ignore it as best as we can.

Instead, we say she has high self esteem, that she deserves to show off her body. And if you don’t like it, you’re living in the past.

But please don’t buy the “I’m-proud-of-my-body-so-I-need-to-be-half-naked” excuse.

People who are comfortable with a fit body, or great wealth, or whatever else they have don’t feel the need to show it off. They rest assured in the knowledge that it’s there.

The only people who show off are the ones who need validation. And they always need it from multiple people.

So if any girl shows too much skin, or if she’s fine with being hugged or touched any kind of way, you need to reconsider.

#8 She believes that things just happen. / She follows her heart. / She’s in love with “love” and relationships.

What it means: She lacks emotional control.

These girls are tricky for inexperienced guys, so let me explain.

It feels great at first to be the focus of a girl’s undying love. And the highs of having a beautiful woman enraptured by you is something straight outta the movies.

But guess what?

You will never be the only one.

You just happen to be her drug of the month. And all it takes is a more attractive or manipulative man to change her loyalties.

That is the dark reality of girls who “follow their heart.”

So instead of chasing a girl who’s crazy….about you, find a girl who tempers her heart with her head.

Don’t be afraid of love. Just make sure it’s the real thing first.

#9 She uses profanity.

What it means: She doesn’t value purity.

I don’t like profanity.

Sure, I went through a phase where it was cool to sprinkle in some “sentence enhancers”, but even then it still felt wrong.

Pure speech is something I value now, and it really does bother me to hear people—male or female—casually drop f-bombs. I don’t give them a stare or anything, but I know that profanity usually indicates that something is off in your life.

That’s one reason why I never use profanity on this site. Out of all the posts on HFE, I haven’t used a single curse word, and I plan to keep it that way.

But getting back to the meaning of this red flag, it just shows a lack of class.

If a girl doesn’t have the decency to control something as simple as her conversation, think about how ugly the rest of her lifestyle is.

#10 She’s friends with known promiscuous women. / She takes an interest in promiscuous celebrities.

What it means: She won’t be shamed for sleeping around, and she will probably be encouraged to do so.

Men compartmentalize their friends.

Of course not every guy is the same, but usually he’ll have his videogame pals, his college study group, his boys from work, his basketball squad, his fantasy football crew, and so on.

And what’s funny about all these friend buckets is that they usually include men from all walks of life.

You’ll have a mix of low income guys, wealthy guys, smart guys, dumb guys, you get the point. But as long as they all have that one thing in common, they don’t really care about much else.

Women are different.

Almost every girl I know has friends who are very similar to her. Everything from the way they dress, to the grades they get, to the income they earn, to the guys they like, and even their political stance—it’s almost always the same.

While men care more about the one activity they have in common, women focus more on similar lifestyles.

And now you see where I’m going.

You may not be able to tell if she sleeps around, but if you know her friends do, it’s a giant red flag.

Even if this girl is completely innocent, she knows her friends won’t look down on her if she does indulge, and that’s why she’s surrounded herself with them.

It’s even worse if she takes an interest in promiscuous celebrities. They’re just like her friends who get around but with additional influence and social status.

If [blank] can do [blank] and still be [blank], why can’t she?

#11 She uses New Age lingo. / She’s into horoscopes.

What it means: She won’t take responsibility for her actions.

If you meet a girl who always goes on about people’s “energy”, the workings of karma, or the meaning behind her horoscope, you need to run and run quickly.

I have numerous reasons why I wouldn’t get with a girl like this, but one of the more practical ones is that she won’t take responsibility for anything.

The stars are what drive her behavior, and she will be justified in spiting you because her negative-energy-sense was tingling.

It’s bad enough dealing with people who can’t control their impulses, but if she truly believes that “the universe” is causing her actions, avoid her at all costs.

#12 She has no discernible skills outside of her physical appearance.

What it means: She’s going down the wrong career path.

Everyone needs money. And if that need is not met, people will resort to all kinds of evil to meet it.

If this particular girl doesn’t have any marketable skills outside of being “hot”, she is going down the wrong road.

Eventually she will…

A. Find some way to make money off her appearance

B. Get bailed out by another man, or…

C. Be left in a financial hole when her beauty fades

Now you could argue that A wouldn’t be too bad of a scenario depending on the work involved (e.g. innocent modeling), but none of these are favorable to her developing a solid set of skills when she had the chance.

Not only has she put herself in a position where her beauty can be abused, but she’s also shown that she’s fine with being a drain on people’s resources.

That’s not good.

Everyone needs a strong work ethic, no matter who they are. And if she doesn’t have one, she’ll be pressured into compromising situations.

#13 She rushes the relationship. / She’s a little too perfect. / She tries too hard to seem like a good match.

What it means: She’s overcompensating.

Another tricky one here.

The average guy won’t deal with many girls like this, but the name of this site isn’t Hunger for Average, so you need to look out for this one.

As you start to care more about your appearance and get your life in order, you’ll notice that girls will seemingly come out of nowhere. And the ones you were invisible to before will make it obvious that they’re interested.

Sounds great right?

But the problem is that some of these girls won’t have the best intentions.

Almost every semi-attractive girl has been treated like a princess her whole life (and that’s one reason why a man who’s trained himself to be immune to beauty is so attractive to them).

But the side effect of this treatment is that many women expect partiality from every guy they meet. So now when they see you—a man who’s in good shape and has his life together—they don’t see a person, but rather, a tool who has the means to carry “her highness” through life.

This is particularly an issue with a girl in her late 20’s or early 30’s. Her internal clock is ticking and she knows she has to find a man before her beauty fades.

But you can’t let her clock dictate your life.

People get burned all the time by making hasty choices. And it’s a known manipulation tactic to rush people into big decisions.

Yes, there will be girls who genuinely like you, and they’ll be eager to start something special together. But you need to be aware of the other scenario too.

Beauty doesn’t get ignored. And if an attractive girl hasn’t locked down a man by this time in her life, it’s very possible that she used her beauty for other means when she was younger, and now she’s scrambling to find a man who doesn’t know any better.

Of course this isn’t always the case. Breakups happen and some people just have an unfortunate streak with relationships. But barring any significant change to her appearance, and without any other special cause, the former is a real possibility.

Remember that your interests are important too. And you are not obligated to take any dude’s leftovers simply because she needs a man now.

“But she’s changed! She’s not like that anymore! And she’s committed to doing better!”

That’s great. And I applaud her. But that doesn’t mean you owe her a relationship.

I’m all for acceptance and forgiveness, but I also know that forgiveness isn’t the removal of all consequences.

#14 She accuses you of being promiscuous, or worse, tries to prove you are.

What it means: She’s telling you how she would act if she was in your position (a.k.a. projection).

A girl who makes accusations like this doesn’t understand how any decent looking person could say no to their suitors. Especially since she could never hope to do the same.

You’re just a stupid boy who couldn’t possibly deny easy pleasure, and it’s her job to prove that assumption right.

It’s all so silly.

I’ve dealt with girls who tried to find faults that weren’t there and I had a real good laugh afterwards.

But while it is funny that a former acne-faced, overweight, emo guy would have to convince anyone he’s not about that life, I am very serious about guarding my integrity.

So if any girl accuses me of something like this, I know we need to part ways.

#15 Your gut tells you so.

What it means: You’re not comfortable with her.

Attraction is weird.

The first time anyone sees a person they like, comfort is nowhere to be found. There’s excitement, there’s anxiety, and there’s interest—not comfort.

But that all changes as time goes by.

The more you get to know someone, the more comfortable you feel around them.

The guy you thought was an antisocial creep just happens to be the life of the party. The girl you thought was such a snob before is actually kind and warm-hearted. And this new familiarity generally leads to more comfort.

But if time passes and you still don’t feel comfortable around this girl, it’s a bad sign. Your body is subconsciously telling you that something about her is off. And you know deep down that you can’t trust her.

“But didn’t you just make fun of girls and their ‘negative-energy-sense’? So how is it okay for guys to do the same thing?”

Because what I’m talking about here isn’t just a feeling. What I’m describing are physiological changes that happen solely because of this person.

Yes, it sounds far-fetched, but if you are fine around every person except her, something is wrong. And I’m not talking about a few butterflies in the stomach here.

If you start breaking a sweat when she shows up, if your sleep schedule suddenly changes, and if you’re always on your toes around her, your body is in alert mode. And instead of being able to work, or perfect your craft, or do anything else, you will constantly be thinking about her.

But again, don’t confuse this with some middle school crush obsession. This is about a girl who won’t give you any assurance that she is committed to you.

You will have to do everything to keep the relationship afloat, and that always leads to disaster. The minute you fall short in her eyes your worst fear will come true.

Of course you still want to be as attractive as possible to make her decision easy, but if the success of the relationship depends solely on you, find someone else.

Good leaders set an example for others and create a vision for the future…

They don’t do all the work.

Successful relationships will always take effort, but if you can’t relax at all with her, it’s a bad sign.

Weed ‘Em Out

So if you read this whole post, you’ve probably noticed a theme here.

All of these are signs that stem from a lack of one character trait:

Self-control.

This list is all about discerning if a girl has that one critical trait.

If she doesn’t have it, don’t try to change her, don’t make excuses for her, and please don’t waste time thinking about her. Just walk away.

And if you have a hard time doing that, ask yourself if you would help a man who acted the same way.

Sure, this may all seem cold-blooded, but when the stakes are this high, it’s always better to be safe than sorry. There is simply too much at risk when you choose a long term partner. And if you can’t trust someone you’ll eventually think about marrying, you need to end it as soon as possible.

No amount of beauty is worth the headache and embarrassment. If a woman’s actions show that she doesn’t respect you, move on and find a girl who does.

Just remember that nothing here is foolproof either. Some girls are crafty and they won’t show many of the signs listed here—but that’s okay.

The point isn’t to catch every girl who’s like this. The point is to save time by weeding out the easy ones. And once you do that, you’ll be closer to finding a girl who’s worth the investment.

So be smart, stay strong, and have a little fun too. It’s easy to get too serious about things like this, but keep a good attitude and you’ll be fine.

If you know what all to avoid, just imagine how much you can cherish a keeper.

-Drew

[panharmonium]

well, we started season 5 the other night.

[disclaimer again for anyone who doesn’t know me: i’m rewatching because I NEVER FINISHED SEASON 5.  i have never seen the last four episodes.  i don’t know how it ends.  please help me enjoy (or, you know, maybe not enjoy, given how things are going in the first two episodes, but...experience, at least) season 5 without spoilers.  thank you!]

i’m going to try to keep up with posting some things during season 5, but despite the fact that i don’t actually know how it ends, this season still kind of makes me feel like i’m being marched to my own execution, and sometimes i feel TOO emotionally invested in what’s going on to even want to write about it, but we’ll see how much i get done.  

anyway - the most important takeaway i want to put down about the opener is that merlin is a mess.

the writers/directors do a really great job of flipping the script between seasons 4 and 5.  in season 4, arthur was the disaster, and merlin was the one who had to take charge of everything.  but in season 5, arthur's gotten his life together, and merlin’s the one having a crisis.

the turnaround that arthur makes between S4 and S5 is amazing.  it’s like he’s a completely different person.  a better person.  i love seeing him like this - after spending all of season 4 so fed up with him, suddenly i get into season 5 and finally see the king i was looking for.  there’s no more agonizing over what people will think of his decisions or what his father would do - he just looks inside himself and does the right thing.  he’s confident.  comfortable in his leadership role.  and you can see that it’s changed his entire demeanor.  despite everything that’s happening, he never seems excessively worried about their situation.  he never seems overly stressed (in contrast to merlin, who is losing his mind) - he stays positive and just does what has to be done.  he seems happy.

it’s the kind of peace of mind that comes from being certain that you’re doing the right thing.  he almost never experiences that in season 4, but in season 5, he’s finally comfortable with who he is and what he’s doing.  even the tone of his confrontation with morgana is different than it was in S4 - he’s not second-guessing everything he did that could have made her hate him anymore.  he regrets the situation they’re in, but he’s not tearing himself up over it.  he’s not afraid of her.  

merlin, on the other hand - 

merlin is afraid of everything.

merlin in season 5 is a grade A disaster.  the - you remember how in this old piece i kept saying ‘merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon?’  

well, it didn’t, then.  but it sure as hell does now.

and not in a nice ‘you’re my best friend’ kind of way, either.  the fear of what’s coming - the idea that Something Bad is coming for arthur and that only merlin can stop it from happening, the fear that everything he’s worked for will come to nothing - it swallows merlin whole.  it changes him.  from the very first episode, his fear twists him into something unrecognizable.  like - even before mordred comes on the scene, after annis says that it’s likely gwaine and percival are still alive and being held captive - merlin tries to convince arthur not to rescue them.  he says “i’m not sure we should go to ismere.”

like - excuse me?  merlin’s advocating for NOT rescuing someone?  for just leaving his friends to die?  for abandoning GWAINE, of all people?

something’s wrong.  something’s big-time wrong.  

and it’s not like we’ve never seen hints of this...ruthlessness in him before.  merlin's worst moments have always tried to poke through when he gets too caught up in what kilgharrah tells him is “supposed” to happen, when he lets his fear of failing at his destiny override his natural compassionate instincts.  he almost leaves mordred to be captured in 1.08.  he almost allows uther to be assassinated in 1.11.  he does poison morgana in 2.11, though i’ll grant that that was in dire circumstances and under extreme duress.  for the most part, though, in moments like these, merlin’s better nature wins out, and he ends up defying the “demands of destiny” to do what he thinks is the right thing, the better thing, the kinder thing.  even when confronting morgana in the crypts in the S3 opener, he tells her “it doesn’t have to be like this.  we can find another way.”

but this season, merlin’s better nature is losing.  he’s losing himself.  and it’s noticeable, even to other characters.  arthur tells him “i’ve not seen you smile these past three days,” and gaius notices he’s not himself:

what happened to the young boy who came into my chambers just a few years ago?

he grew up.

which is, of course, exactly what morgana says to arthur in 5.2.  

watching this happen is the most devastating thing.  it’s TRAGIC.  for a character whose base personality has always been so sunny - how absolutely inconceivable is it to hear arthur advocating mercy in a situation where there was no need for further violence, and then to have merlin be the one shouting “you should have killed him!”

the juxtaposition of ‘he showed us kindness’ with ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM!’ is horrifying.  like.  good god.  even arthur thinks it’s bizarre.  he literally turns to look at merlin and goes “what is WRONG with you?”

and then when they’re contemplating getting inside the fortress, merlin says again “i told you.  you should have killed him when you had the chance.”

and arthur gives him this look and the tiniest little shake of the head.

what is wrong with you.

last season, it was merlin telling arthur “this isn’t like you.”  this season, somebody desperately needs to tell merlin the same thing.  

it’s bad.  it’s bad, bad, bad.  that’s all i can say about it.  we’re only at the opener of the season and merlin’s entire life has already been consumed by this fear.  everything else falls by the wayside.  he does things that go completely against his nature.  it’s a far cry from the merlin of yesteryear, who fought the dragon every step of the way when kilgharrah tried to make him abandon morgana or let the druid boy die or even allow uther to be killed.  it’s a far cry from the merlin of 2.11, who shouted “where does it say my destiny includes murder?!”  it’s a far cry from the merlin of previous seasons, who said things like this:

you're telling me that little boy is going to kill arthur?

it seems that is up to you.

no.  you can't know that for certain.

you have it in your power to prevent a great evil.

there must be another way.  the future isn't set in stone.

does season 5 merlin not remember what happened the last time he acquired a little bit of foreknowledge and tried to actively stop the future from happening?  he ended up causing the exact events he was trying to prevent.  

i repeat - HE ENDED UP CAUSING THE EXACT EVENTS HE WAS TRYING TO PREVENT!

and obviously i haven’t finished this season, so i don’t know, but i just don’t think anything good can come of this constant ‘trying to get mordred killed’ thing merlin has going on.  so far, mordred hasn’t even done anything to hurt any of them.  i actually like mordred, in fact, from what we’ve seen of him.  and yeah, okay, probably i’m going to get burned for that later, but the merlin we knew before would always rather get burned for trusting someone and seeing the best in people instead of just advocating for cold-blooded murder.  

like - maybe mordred IS secretly evil!  maybe he is!  but merlin in previous seasons would never have just taken kilgharrah’s word for it.  he always used to say ‘we can find another way.  there must be another way.’

nowadays, it’s like he’s given up.  he is single-mindedly focused on the only purpose he can see for his life anymore, and that purpose is simple, stark, and cold: ‘make sure arthur doesn’t die.’  there is literally no room in his life for anything else.  

and you know - some people would see that as like...i don’t know.  romantic, or something.  beautiful.  but i don’t. 

arthur and merlin actually love each other in this season, and i think that’s beautiful.  arthur’s finally gotten out of ‘be a dick’ mode, and even in just the opener he displays genuine care and concern about merlin, and that’s beautiful.  the two of them are on more equal footing than they ever have been in the past - for the first time, it feels to me like they’re actually friends - and that’s beautiful, too.

but the utter collapse of merlin’s entire sense of self and the dissolution of any bit of his life and worth that doesn’t have to do with ‘make sure arthur doesn’t die?’  that’s not beautiful at all.  merlin is miserable in season 5.  he’s lost so much of what made him who he was.  he’s hidden himself away for so long that the lie has stuck; he hardly remembers who he used to be, and he’s stopped hoping for better, because people kept telling him ‘your time will come’ but it NEVER DID, and arthur is king now but NOTHING HAS CHANGED, and i don’t think merlin’s ever felt more alone than he is when we see him in S5.  

i don’t think he remembers what it was like to think things could be different.  it’s been three years since he had a friend to love him for who he was.  lancelot is dead.  ealdor feels like a dream.  he has gaius, and that’s all - the rest of his life is a lie.  and it’s like he’s resigned himself to it now.  he doesn’t talk about telling the truth anymore.  he doesn’t chafe at not being able to reveal himself.  this is the season where he literally hears arthur say ‘maybe my father was wrong, maybe not all sorcery is evil’ and then merlin declines an opportunity to free himself, just to make sure mordred will die.  

it visibly kills him to do it.  you can see the agony of that decision on his face.  the pain that he is in during this season is slowly destroying him.  but it’s like he doesn’t think he has other options.  he’s given up on his own life, he’s given up on his own liberation, he’s given up on anything that isn’t ‘make sure arthur doesn’t die.’  

i hate that this is all he thinks his life can be.  i hate that he thinks this is all he was fashioned for.  merlin at his core has always been such a happy, hopeful, sunny person.  he’s always looked at things and seen the good.  he’s always been so curious, and gregarious, and loving.  he’s always had a smile for everybody.  but so much of that has just been crushed, now, under fear and stress and isolation.  

i don’t know.  this is only the first two episodes and it puts such a feeling of grief - and dread - into my heart.  i worry for the future.

[transadvice]

Hey there I needed some advice. I myself identify as a demigirl (she/they) but my little brother (AMAB) has expressed feelings for years that he wishes that he could be a girl. He’s 17 and about to start senior year of high school. I’m fairly certain that he wishes he could transition but has expressed deep concern over what family/society would think if he does. I really want him to live life as fully and happily as he can but I don’t want to pressure him. How can I

Part 2 of this question: “...support and help him explore who he is without being pushy? Should I just say nothing and just be there or is there some way that I can gently encourage him to explore his gender identity? Thank you so much in advance! ~His big sis” My answer:  Hi sis!  Your sister, brother, or sibling - I’ll use gender neutral language since we don’t know what’s going on with their gender or what pronouns they would prefer you to use - your sibling ultimately needs to figure out their gender stuff on their own. As much as we would like to help steer our loved ones to outcomes that we believe would make them happier, we cannot rush them. Even if you sib ends up identifying as a sis in the future, as you expect, it won’t help to push. (And, even a gentle nudge can feel like a big push when it comes from somebody you’ve grown up loving and respecting, like a parent, teacher, or big sibling.) Look at it this way: Right now, your sibling has a ton of messages saying “You must be a boy. You must be a boy. There is no other choice.” The messages themselves are a problem, of course, but so is the pressure. Pushing in the opposite direction - making them feel as though you are saying, “You must be a girl” - will only make them feel more pressured and confused. What your sibling needs is to feel as though they have choices and space to explore in order to figure out the gender that is true to them. If they experience pressure on all sides, they will never know if they really figured it out for sure or if they bowed to pressure one way or another.   With that said, I also don’t recommend that you say nothing. Saying nothing can be read as disapproval. In fact, trans people often find that disapproval is the most likely correct interpretation of silence. Family members often feel that they don’t have to articulate specific support of LGBT people because their queer child/sibling can assume that they are supportive. But LGBT people have learned, both from life experience and from the media, that we can assume no such thing. I’ve known many queer folks who have suffered in fear for months or years before coming out to a family member who is immediately like, “Of course I love and accept you!!!” This is a good outcome, but really, it would have been a better outcome if the queer person knew ahead of time that they would be loved and accepted and didn’t have to worry about coming out at all.  So. There are limits to how much you can do as a supportive sibling, but here are my recommendations:  * You can make sure that they know you love them unconditionally no matter what. There is nothing they could do, especially no gender expression or identity they could explore, that would make you love them any less. It honestly doesn’t hurt to put this into words. You can say it to them or put it in a card or a letter. * You can express support for LGBT people generally, especially trans and nonbinary people. Not in a “hint hint” kind of way, but just genuinely in the course of your day. One way to do this is to read books/watch movies/watch shows made by trans people, so you can honestly recommend and discuss good media in a natural way. (Made BY trans people, not just ABOUT trans people. Media made by cis people about trans people often does more harm than good.)  * You can let them know you are open to talking about gender issues (but not push them to talk if they don’t want to). If they do open up to you, listen more than you talk.  * Just in case this needs to be said: if you have feelings about their gender or their struggle and you need to talk/be comforted about it, go to someone else. Your sibling should not have to comfort you about your feelings about their struggle. (And, asking them to do so undermines all your attempts to make them feel supported.) If you do go to someone else for support, make sure you don’t out your sibling. You might speak to a therapist with whom you have doctor-patient confidentiality, an anonymous internet forum (like this one!), or you might speak to a friend who doesn’t know your sibling while not referring to them by name or relationship or identifying information.  * You can respond positively and nonjudgmentally when they do explore or express themselves in a non-cis way. (“That’s a pretty nail color!”) Don’t gush or make too big a deal about it, just treat them as you would a sister, and let them know you’re safe to explore around.  * If they raise fears, you can let them know they have nothing to fear from your quarter. You don’t have to blow smoke up their ass or candy-coat the truth (”Everyone at school will accept you!!!!”), but you can set their fears about YOU to rest (”*I* will accept you”).  * You can make specific offers of help to problems that they raise. For example, if they complain of having no clothes, you can offer to take them shopping. If they complain that Mom doesn’t understand, you can offer to talk to her. Etc. But if your sibling turns down your offer, don’t override them.  Honestly? I think you are going to be fine. You sound like a loving, caring person and a very supportive sibling. I am glad your little sibling has you in their life!

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Can you please tell us more about the girls’ relationship in the fem andreil!ravens au? It seemed a bit brusque to change the perspective from Ania and Riko making out to “anyway, Erin and Ania get together” :))). I just want to see my girls be happy and I’m sorry if this sounded weird, but I’m usually really big on seeing the development process of a relationship/character.

It’s not weird at all, love! I just didn’t feel like writing bc a) I’m lazy and b) my mom kept looking over my shoulder at my phone and I hate when people see me write. Now that I’m alone in my room, let’s get cracking. 

In exchange for Erin coming to Evermore, Riko offers to take care of Aaron n Nicky. The boys are living in the lap of luxury for like two years. They’re moved to a much nicer house and have a butler, chef, maids, chauffeurs, etc.  In reality, it’s how Riko intends to keep Erin in check. If she screws up, there’s like twenty people that can and will kill her family. 

The boys are oblivious to EVERYTHING THE ENTIRE TIME. Nothing ever happens to them to tip them off either. When Erin and Ania run, they’re still taken care of bc Ichirou intervenes and he outranks Riko and The Master. He does it bc he wants to take a different approach from Kengo. He wants to use as little violence to solve his problems as possible. Of course, he has no problem torturing and killing ppl should the need arise. The boys only find out years later when the ex-Ravens are talking. 

“What do you mean the Moriyamas were in the mafia?!?!?!” 

“Oh yeahhhhh. We forgot to tell you, didn’t we? That’s why you were living in that house. If Erin ever disobeyed them, they were going to kill you.” They say this super casually in front of Katelyn, Erik, Jeremy, Thea, and all their kids.  

Now the girls and the Ravens

First of all, only the perfect court call her Ania. Everyone else calls her Wesninski. 

Erin calls her various terms of endearment on the court bc it pisses Ania off. Riko is ready to fight. Kevin and Jeanie are betting on how long it’ll take before Ania leaves Ko for Erin. 

Ania and Erin two are paired off the way all ravens are. For every mistake Erin makes, Ania is the one paying for it. They spend a lot of nights running suicides up and down the court or playing until Ania blows her arms out. Riko will sit on the sidelines and watch. Night is the only time Ania really plays as a striker so she stands there taking shots on goal while Erin has to deflect them. Ania has collapsed more than once on those nights. Kevin and Jeanie are always sent to drag her back up. If she collapses again, Riko will take her off the court and Kevin will take Ania’s place until they return. After about half an hour, Ania will limp back out, clutching her gut. 

Erin doesn’t find out for a long time but every time Riko has to drag Ania off the court, she throws her onto the cold concrete and kicks her until she’s coughing up blood. 

Ania blames her constant abuse on Erin. She hates her so so much. 

It hurts Erin to know Ania hates her but she isn’t going to try to change her mind. It takes a lot of energy out of a person to hate someone. Erin consoles herself by reminding herself that if Ania hates her, it means she’s thinking about her. 

Every weekend, Ania disappears. The dorms feel empty because it’s where Ania is supposed to be. Erin can’t stand staying alone in their dorm which is how she finds the roof access. She smokes her cigarettes and stares up at the night sky. Castle Evermore is p far from Edgar Allen and is actually p far from the developed world. Alone on the rooftop, Erin feels like the only person in the world. It’s lonely in a different kind of way. 

Once school actually starts up, Erin is exhausted all the time. She can barely keep her eyes open n she’s covered in bruises all the time. Since Erin and Ania are paired off, Ania always waits for her in their dorms with a first aid kit. She spends about an hour every night cleaning up and cuts, icing her bruises, and massaging her with muscle ache relief cream. Ania is really rough about all of it but it’s still really domestic. Erin might not be on her meds but by the time Ania is finished, she feels just as high. 

Ania doesn’t ever let Erin do any of it for her. She also doesn’t change with any of the other girls or shower in the locker rooms. Erin is intrigued. 

On Friday nights, Ania drinks. When I say drinks, I mean she goes through a bottle of Grey Goose like it’s just water. Fridays are the only nights when Riko shares Ania so everyone stays up late to watch her. She’ll get drunk in the common room and dance. Anyone who gets within arms’ reach is getting dragged onto the dance floor with her. It’s the only time the Ravens get to let loose. The only reason they get away with any of it is bc Tetsuji has board meetings on Fridays. 

Erin avoids the common room like a plague. Ania dances dirty and Erin isn’t going to survive watching her dance with anyone but her. She passed by once and Ania ambushed her with the intention of dragging her off with her. When she realized who she was standing in front of she grimaced and left without another word. </3 

The reason Ania gets herself drunk on Fridays is because her father comes to pick her up at like 4 a.m. on Saturdays. She comes home at 3 a.m on Mondays and is thrown back on the court an hour later still nursing her new cuts and bruises. 

The girls only become friends after Erin becomes a member of the perfect court. She gets inducted during Christmas at Evermore. Riko runs Erin ragged on the court for the two weeks of winter break and Erin is actually convinced that she’s going to die. They strap her down and tattoo her at Midnight on Christmas. The Master gives the Ravens Christmas off to celebrate the newest member of the perfect court. Erin refuses to leave her room that day. She finds a knife and is about to start layering cuts over it in an attempt to cover it up when Ania finds her. 

Ania pins Erin down and wrenches the knife out of her hand. Suddenly, they’re rolling on the floor fighting. No, they aren’t fighting. Erin is beating the shit out of Ania. Her fists are a blur. Pipe dream or not, Erin’s survival instincts override everything. She only stops when she realizes that Ania isn’t fighting back. Like… at all. To her horror, Erin looks down and sees Ania’s eyes glazed over. 

Once when Erin still lived with Drake, he’d pinned her against a wall and took her then and there. She had caught a glimpse of her reflection in a mirror, her eyes glazed over and empty. Ania looked like that now. 

She got off of Ania and scrambled back into a corner. What have I done? she thinks. She can barely breathe. She’s medicated so she starts to laugh. It’s a horrible sound. She’s in utter hysterics as the tears flow down her face. 

“Erin,” Ania’s voice is just barely there. “Erin,” she calls again. Slowly, Erin crawls over to Ania’s crumpled form. “Stop laughing.” Erin clamps her hands over her mouth. It does little to stifle her laughter. “Get out,” Ania whispers. Her eyes are still blankly staring at the ceiling. Erin runs. She vaults up the stairs to the roof. Standing at the edge of the roof, she considers just jumping. There’s no way she can face Ania after that. She goes through a whole pack of cigarettes before she comes back down. By then, the sun has set. Ania isn’t in their room. There had been blood on the carpet from when Ania’s mouth and nose. All of it was gone. 

“Minyard.” Erin whirled around to see Jean standing behind her. “Come on,” he says motioning towards the door. Erin doesn’t move. “Ania wants to see you.” Erin is on her feet at the sound of Ania’s name alone. Jean smirks knowingly at her and leads her down the hall to Riko’s room. He pushes the door open and walks in. Erin enters to find the rest of the perfect court already there. Riko is sitting on a recliner like its a throne. Kevin is perched on one of the armrests and Ania on the other. For the first time, Erin sees Ania with her shirt off. She’s no longer medicated but she still can barely keep her apathetic facade up. 

Almost every inch of Ania’s skin is cut up and burned. Scars race up and down her beautiful body. There’s nothing in the world Erin wants more than to trace over every one of them with her eyes, her fingers, her lips. Ice packs are strapped to Ania’s chest, undoubtedly covering he bruises Erin had given her a few hours ago. 

“Erin,” Riko said with a false kindness in her voice. It takes everything in her to pry her eyes off Ania. “I welcome you to my court and this is how you repay me? By hurting my beloved little Ania?” Riko shook her head, disappointed. “How about I do you another favor? We’ll see how much you like this new one.” Everything in Erin’s mind is screaming for her to run. She’s about to when Ania rockets out of her seat. 

“Ko, it’s nothing. I’m fine,” she insists. Riko turns her gaze to Ania. “Look, it was my fault. I’ve always been better at picking fights than winning them, right?” She offered Riko a sheepish smile. Riko narrowed her eyes at her. Suddenly, her arm shot out and grabbed a fistful of Ania’s hair. She wrenched it and brought Ania to her knees with a single flick of her wrist. Erin was moving before she could process it. Arm’s wrapped around her, lifting her clear off the ground. She bit and kicked at him but Jean was far bigger and far stronger than she was. The sound of Ania’s voice stopped her. Riko had been hissing at her in Japanese from the second she’d brought Ania to her knees. Now, Ania was speaking in a soft sultry voice. The malicious glint was gone from Riko’s eyes. Slowly, a lustful look replaced it. Erin caught the fearful look Kevin cast Jean. She wriggled just enough to catch the worried one Jean sent back. Erin didn’t know what was happening, but she knew it wasn’t good. 

“Very well, Ania. I’ll give her one more chance for you, my love.” Riko said in English. “I don’t think you understand just how lucky you are, Ms. Minyard. If it weren’t for Ania, you’d be back in Columbia watching your beloved brother bleed out.” Erin froze. “I’m giving you one more chance, alright? One more toe out of line and… Well, you’ll see.” Riko’s manic laughter had nothing on the drug-induced one that had poured out of Erin earlier that day. Erin had thought that she’d known fear before. She was wrong. 

From there, Erin isn’t usually in trouble. She’s far too afraid of Aaron getting hurt to play. Gambling with her life was one thing, Aaron’s was something else. Sometimes she’ll pick fights with the other members of the perfect court bc of her meds. However, she suddenly realizes that the bruises covering Ania’s skin only ever appear when Erin steps out of line. Ania picks fights with everyone but no one but Kevin raises a hand at her. 

A lot of days, the Ravens break for lunch to leave Kevin and Ania brawling on the court. As a member of the perfect court, Erin is now privy to everything happening between them. Jean is the one who tells her tho. 

Jean- no. It’s Jeanie explains to Erin about her gender. Erin had heard about trans people before, but she’d never met a trans person before. Her etiquette on the matter takes a while to develop so she just doesn’t say anything about it while medicated. She does work really hard to support Jeanie tho. She relearns Jeanie’s name and preferred pronouns. It isn’t hard. Jeanie also tells her about Kev and Riko’s sexualities and false relationships. Erin slips up and lets herself slip. She asks about Ania and Jeanie smiles slyly. None of them know what demisexuality is (i didn't even know about this until AFTG) so Jeanie just says that Ania doesn’t swing. She’s with Riko but she isn’t romantically interested in her. Or sexually for that matter. “I mean they’re not not together,” Jeanie said with a shrug. 

Since Erin is now a part of the perfect court, she and Ania are forced to spend a lot more time together. They now have to sit together for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Ania is a first yr so she and Erin have the same schedule. Like the exact same. They used to sit on opposite ends of the room but since whatever it was that happened during Christmas, Ania isn’t leaving Erin’s side. 

It’s tense at first tho. Neither of them is speaking. They do their hw together and the only sounds in their room are the scratch of their pencils on paper or the tapping of keys on the computer. 

It isn’t until a few weeks after the break that they start becoming friends. It happens when Ania seems to be struggling to study for their English test. They were supposed to read Dune but the book is nearly 800 pages and Ania is dyslexic. It hasn’t been diagnosed bc she was homeschooled but Erin picks up on the telltale signs. She only knows bc Aaron was too. How he managed to survive a schedule of AP classes and make straight 5’s on all his exams, Erin didn’t know. She was hella proud tho. 

Erin snatches the book from Ania’s hand and heads out. She knows Ania will follow. She leads a fuming Ania to the roof access and up the stairs. When she steps out onto the roof, she turns to look back. Ania is looking up at the stars with wide eyes. 

“The view,” she whispered, mesmerized. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, it is,” Erin replied, unable to drag her eyes off of Ania. Ania huffs a laugh still staring up. Erin just barely manages to tear her gaze off her before she looks over. Erin sits down, cross-legged. It’s freezing outside but her sweats are fairly thick. Ania, however, is shivering. She sits down beside Erin, leaving a little space between the two of them. “I will do this once and only once. Understand?” Erin asked. Ania nods, confused. Erin sets the book down and drags Ania into her lap, enveloping her in her arms. “If you freeze, Riko will have my head,” Erin muttered. Ania nodded, doing her best to suppress a smile. Turning her phone flashlight on, Erin opened the book up to where Ania had left off. 

For the next two hours, Erin sat there with Ania curled tightly against her chest reading the book. Whenever Erin began to think that Ania had fallen asleep, she’d interject with some strangely amusing commentary. For the first time in Erin’s life, she felt something other than anger. In its place, she felt soft and warm. Erin shook her head. It was probably just Ania’s body heat. 

“Erin?” Ania asked, stifling a yawn as they headed back downstairs. Erin turned to look at her. “Thanks.” 

“Whatever,” Erin said. She heard Ania laugh softly. Laying in bed, Erin could still feel the warmth of Ania’s body on her chest. She didn’t get a single hour of sleep that night. 

It only takes one more late-night trip to the roof to finish the book but the rooftop meetings become a thing. Ania doesn’t smoke but she breathes in Erin’s second-hand smoke which is still p bad for her lungs but we’re going to ignore that.

Erin isn’t great at math so Ania will tutor her in that but they do that in their room. The roofs become a sacred tradition not to be tainted with the hellish concepts of math. 

They first start trading secrets because Erin really just doesn’t want to listen to Ania talk about exy all the time. 

Ania tells Erin about how her mother used to beat her and Erin tells her about her self harm scars. 

Ania tells Erin that she’s killed people and Erin tells her about the boy who shoved her into a closet and stuck his hands in her pants. She had snapped his neck and thrown him in the river. She almost laughs when Ania criticizes her method. 

“You should have arranged for him to fall off a jungle gym and break his neck from the fall.” 

Late one Sunday night, Erin comes down from the roof to find Ania in the kitchen. She had come home from her father’s place early and disappeared into Riko’s room right after. Now she was pressing a bag of frozen peas to the bruise on her eye. There were open cuts all over her torso. 

That’s when Erin pieces it together. The scars on Ania’s body aren’t from her father. They were from Riko. 

Erin’s blood is boiling. She’s going to kill Riko when a hand clasps around her wrist. 

“Erin, no,” Ania hisses. 

“You can’t let her get away with this,” Erin snaps, wrenching her wrist out of Ania’s. She knows her anger is showing in her eyes but she can’t help it.

“Erin, please.” 

“I hate that word.”

“Then don’t make me say it.” Erin looks into Ania’s eyes and sees her, really sees her for the first time. The ice in her eyes doesn’t end there. It’s in her veins too. Nathania Wesninski isn’t just some Exy junkie, she realizes. Nathania is just a girl trying her very best to be more than she is. Jeanie had already told Erin who Nathania’s father was. Erin had never met the Butcher of Baltimore but she’d heard stories. He was cold-blooded and ruthless. He was fierce and fearless. He was unbreakable. Looking at Ania now, she didn’t doubt that she was his daughter. Erin turned and motioned for Ania to follow her. She led her back to the dorms and shoved her down onto the bed. She turned to leave and Ania caught her wrist again. 

“Don’t touch me,” Erin said. Ania nodded as she let go. “I’ll be back.” Erin headed straight for the bathroom and dug the first aid kit out from under the sink. She returned to find Ania picking at the bedspread. She looked up at Erin. A small smile tugged at her lips when she saw what was in Erin’s hands. Erin scowled. She was equal parts annoyed and elated to see Ania’s smile stretch across her face. Slowly, Erin cleaned every cut and bandaged them up. When she finished, she stepped back to inspect her handiwork. Satisfied, she turned to leave.

“Erin,” Ania said. Erin turned back to look at her. Ania extended her hands towards her face in a silent request. Erin obeyed. On her knees, she was about a head shorter than Ania. Ania cupped her hands around Erin’s pressed her forehead to Erin’s, staring into her eyes. She felt Ania’s hands drop away.

“Yes or no,” Erin whispered. Confusion swept through Ania’s eyes. 

“Yes?” she said uncertainly. Erin took it She pressed a soft, swift kiss to Ania’s lips. As she drew back, Ania followed. “Don’t leave,” she whispered against Erin’s lips. The words shook Erin to her core. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she replied. She kissed Ania again, this time with far more passion. She poured all her pent up feelings into it. Ania didn’t shy from it. In fact, she pressed right back, matching Erin’s intensity. Erin could hear the scrape of Ania’s nails against her bedframe as she curled them, doing her best not to reach out. Erin had always been a sucker for a pretty face but Ania’s dirty mouth would be the death of her. She had absolutely no self-control. Or so Erin had thought. 

She’d seen Ania kissing Riko before. Ania’s hands never remained in one place for long. Instead, they roved every inch of exposed skin. The fact that she was actively working to control herself for Erin drove her wild. No one had ever done anything for Erin her whole life. And now? Now Erin was kneeling in front of a woman mustering up every drop of self-control she had so that Erin wouldn’t leave. 

“Fuck,” Erin moaned into the kiss. She felt the smile gracing Ania’s lips and growled softly. “Not a word, Wesninski.”

“Don’t call me by that name,” Ania replied. Erin pulled back to look at her. They stared at each other. Even in the pale yellow light cast by her bedside lamp, Ania was the most beautiful woman Erin had ever seen. “Alora. I’m Nathania Alora Wesninski but I want you to call me Alora.” 

“Alora,” Erin said softly. 

“Do you like it?” Ania asked. “I thought you’d appreciate the irony.” Erin just stared at her. “It’s Latin. It means bay tree but some say it means ‘My Dream’ as well. That’s perfect for you,” Ania whispered as she leaned back into Erin’s space. Against her lips, she murmured, “Because I am your pipe dream.” That dirty mouth really was going to be the death of Erin.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E32 (August 28, 2018)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Announcements: 

No Talks Machina next Tuesday, but they will be back the following week to discuss episode 33 of CR. Next Tuesday, instead of Talks, they’re filming something very special for the new channel. Sam: “You are? Oh, god.” 

Handbooker Helper premieres tomorrow at 10 AM Pacific Time at youtube.com/criticalrole! The first episode focuses on dice basics. 

There’s a new charity drive for the Pablove Foundation, dedicated to research toward ending children’s cancer; they’ve already hit the first $20k benchmark, which means Sam will be DMing a game of Crash Pandas! The next goal is $50k, which will be used to establish a research grant.

@critrolestats for this episode:

Nott has successfully disguised herself 12 times since the campaign started.

Caleb’s most-cast spells (in order): Alarm, Firebolt, and Identify.

The party has spent 55 of their 81 days together on the road.

Gustav’s sentence in Trostenwald lasted 77 days. He averaged about 7 gold, 8 copper per day of work.

Is Nott freaked out after her adventure with Jester went so badly? “Nott is always freaked out to do anything, but is starting to loosen up a bit and trust that-- at least up until this last episode-- trust that her friends could get her out of most scenarios. Maybe she’ll be a little more hesitant in the future.” She might “take one of the responsible ones along, like Fjord or Caleb.” Liam: “Yeah, you should bring someone sharp and level-headed, in case you need to go to a hospital...”

Caleb loves that a fan points out the parallels between Caleb’s similarities to the protagonist in the Dark Tower books: “Caleb wants to do really specific things, and he is not done with that. They’re potentially harmful, and I think that before he started traveling with these people, the main thing was getting them to trust me, and form a working relationship, but the bigger problem now is, does their friendship become a problem? Do I want to get close to you if I know potentially that I’ve got to walk away from you at a bad moment?” There’s another element he can’t talk about yet where he took more direct inspiration from The Dark Tower. He’s not sure yet which way Caleb will end up veering, and whether there’s a point where he’ll prioritize his friends over his long-term goals. “For all characters, there’s what he tells himself is the deal, and what’s really the deal. I’m enjoying not knowing where the hell it’s going.”

“Nott doesn’t really much care about Gustav, but also does not give a shit about money. It’s a means to an end for her.” Other than providing a little security for herself and Caleb, “the other stuff is way cooler, the little buttons and stuff.” When the opportunity came to pay so much for Gustav’s release, “she was like, ‘Yeah, sure, great.’”

Sam and Nott both wanted to know more about Molly’s past. Liam wanted to know, but Caleb didn’t care. Especially since Molly emphasized not caring about his past, and they didn’t know each other too well, Caleb was satisfied to just take that at face value. Molly’s experience was also interesting as a complete opposite to Caleb’s own experience of being completely consumed by his past.

Sam and Liam talk about how they both think about the show constantly throughout the week. Liam: “And I also spend 10% of my week thinking about Vax, too.”

Gif of the Week: Caduceus learns how much money 400 gold is. There may or may not be a live voiceover version of the text.

Why does Caleb still use fire? “Caleb feels like he needs to work through it, ‘cause fire’s not going anywhere. Maybe something that will come out eventually is the reason that fire is his first and he has a real affinity for it now. The fire is natural progression. The Fireball is something that Caleb got just from leveling up, so I took that for him to be understanding what he can already do and magnifying it. It’s the strongest weapon in his arsenal. He needs to master the misery and the pain so he’s ready to deal with facing his ex-teacher someday, or other people.” On Beau being the one to bring him back each time lately: “He likes that. It’s a flawed friendship, it’s not affectionate the way Caleb and Nott is, but that’s okay. The instinct to bet big and tell her everything came from a sense of shared interest, and shared point of view. They’re still very different, but there’s a lot in common there.” A lot of the things she does has been reaffirming his choice to take a chance on her.

Nott’s aware that she’s been more and more powerful, and so she’s been drinking less in battle situations. “She’s still skittish and gets nervous about stuff, but they’ve survived and succeeded in enough fights now that she’s becoming a little more brave.” Liam asks if Nott knows how gifted she is. Sam: “She’s aware that she can do things better than other folks in the group, but she probably would not think those things are the most spectacular.” Liam talks about how Caleb and Nott are “two different kinds of gifted weirdos.” Sam: “Just like us. Except for the ‘gifted’ part.”

Caleb was impressed by Caduceus’ approach to the Ettin encounter.

Sam: “Something that I just decided about goblins: they have short lifespans, and they’re also super brutal and just attack and they’re mean and get hungry and all this stuff, so I just thought, maybe goblins are just like unrestrained id.” A lot of Nott’s character came from that thought.

It felt really strange for Nott and Caleb to be welcomed by Alfield when they arrived. Caleb’s concerned about their amplified visibility in the Empire, which isn’t sitting well with him. At least when they’re affiliated with the Gentleman and the criminal element, it keeps the visibility away. Nott’s hesitant to be in the spotlight, but has also realized that cheering means fewer thrown rocks, so that’s good.

Fanart of the Week: Jester and Caduceus strolling through town.

There’s a brief foray into autoerotic asphyxiation. As you do.

Liam, Taliesin, and Marisha have all met SideBySamuel. The mystery continues.

Caleb on the dodecahedron: “It’s a little too perfect.” It confirms what he believes---that it has to be possible to manipulate time---and drives him forward. He wonders about the source that this thing is a splinter of. He’s also wondering if the Academy’s project is one and the same. “Time travel is good. It definitely does not endanger present reality.”

“What is Talks Machina, Brian?”

Brian: “We have to put a stop to this.”

Sam: “On the surface, Nott noticed that Caleb mentioned Astrid and probably just thinks that it would be nice to have a young lady in his life.” Dani: “I called your ex-girlfriend the other day, and we’re having lunch.” Sam: “I hear she’s a doctor...” Liam: “I’m tired of coming over to these dinners, ma.” Sam: “I hear the wizard down the street got married...”

Liam on Astrid: “That would be bad stuff. Bad news. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s complicated.” Sam: “Astrid has got to be either super bad guy now, super dead, or something else we don’t know about.” Liam: “One of the many things Caleb wonders about every night before he goes to sleep, about both his friends. He doesn’t know. It’s been 16 years since he saw them last.” He’s 33 now. The fire happened when he was about 16, he was in the asylum for 11-ish years, and then he was traveling on his own for about five.

Nott worries about Caleb “about the same” in battle, but she’s definitely noticing the others stepping up, especially Beau, to watch out for and protect him. Sam points out that Liam’s strategy has been excellent lately to keep Caleb out of danger. “Nott always has an eye on Caleb, and Sam always has an eye on Caleb.” Liam: “That’s what Vax did. I would override common sense consciously because I thought it was in-character.” He still has to suppress his first instinct to have Caleb fling himself into danger for his friends.

On the surface, Caleb knows it’s not a good thing for Nott to be so affectionate toward him, but deep down, Caleb really appreciates Nott’s affection. “With Beau, there’s no affection, but he feels like he should be called an asshole and a shit, and he feels like he deserves it. It will keep him sharpened and on task.” He likes, on an unconscious level, what he gets from both of them for different reasons.

Which pet does Nott want to eat first? The weasel. Definitely. Sam ventures a theory that the pets represented the members of Vox Machina. The truth is out there, Sam.

To Caleb, it felt a bit wrong to turn his back on the Empire given everything that’s happening right now and everything that has to happen there in the future.

Talks Machina: After Dark: When It Gets Dirty (Big Dick Peanut Butter Energy)

Liam brings out both his Speak-n-Spell voice and his ~Cuddlefish~ voice. He also does a Nott impression. Sam: “You sound like Miss Piggy on acid.”

Nott’s not looking forward to the beach. Caleb’s interested in the beach in a Death in Venice kind of way. Brian ventures a guess that they’re going to discover that Caleb’s just inexplicably super ripped.

What tricks do they want to teach the pets? Liam: “Maybe ‘Die Instead Of Me’.”

Does Beau secretly have a gooey center? Sam and Liam, in unison: “Ask Keg.”

Nott feels safe with the M9 around, not because they protect her, but because they protect each other. “She’s always relied on Caleb for protection, and now I think she’s relieved more than surprised that she doesn’t have to put that burden on Caleb, or each other. That they have a support group of people that can help them and keep them out of danger.”

Nott expects Jester’s mom to be a “real sweet, fine, fancy lady.” Liam: “Caleb had good parents, and everything that Jester describes does not sound great to him.” He doesn’t say anything to her about it because he doesn’t feel like he can give advice. Dani: “My parents that I killed were awesome. As a child of great parents, that I murdered...”  He keeps asking about her childhood, and he’s fond of her, so he’s dismayed about what he hears, but he feels like he can’t say anything about it.

Liam: "My least favorite thing about Sam is how much of a fucking food snob he and his wife are. It’s unbearable, mostly because I want the food.” Sam: “The thing that I love most about Liam is that he’s a gentle love, but he’s a kind soul. He wants to help people. But he can’t because he’s too busy.” Liam: “True, true, true. What I like about Sam is he’s the living embodiment of Shakespeare’s Fools. He’s seemingly a buffoon, but if you know him well, you know that there’s no end to the depth and soul of his character. He is skating on talent and wit.”

Liam: “I don’t know how cameras work.”

[prettywordsyouleft]

Different Kisses with Yang Yoseob

Thank you immensely for this request. Momentarily I panicked because whilst I’ve been a fan of BEAST/HIGHLIGHT from debut, I always biased GiKwang >_> and sadly not many people on tumblr write for this group anymore, so there wasn’t really much to go from to back up my own thoughts on Yoseob. But I am passionate about this group, and feel I’ve come up with some great kisses for Yoseob, so I am so hopeful you agree with me! I put a lot of effort into these because of the lack of posts on this amazing man, and I’m really happy with them!

Yoseob’s kisses really contain how much he cares for you.  

First kiss:

Your first kiss together was unexpected. Yoseob struggles to speak up about his deeper feelings, finding his emotions a little overwhelming when he tries. And so he had been holding off on confessing how he even felt about you, partially waiting for that elusive right time and also to ensure he had the right approach. However you beat him to it, admitting to him in a rushed manner just how much he makes your chest flutter whenever you see him, and how much you want to be more than friends. And whilst you’re trying to not hyperventilate from your confession and tame your flushed cheeks, Yoseob is so enamoured by your efforts, feeling so immensely elated that you like him too that he leaned in to place his lips on yours, kissing you lightly.

And you’re thankful he was this light with your first kiss, because had he done so with more passion, you would have floated on off to heaven rather quickly, and missed out on dating him. It was breathtaking the way it was and you often think back to your more innocent love, smiling over how far you’ve both come from that shy confession.

Public kisses:

Yoseob isn’t against PDA, but he always plans to keep it cool. Holding hands, slinging his arm over your shoulder, that kind of style. However he cannot help himself regardless of where he is when it comes to you. He’s naturally very affectionate towards you, happy to help feed you if you’re sharing ice-cream/a meal, and whenever you smile at him, he literally lights up with happiness. Because of how cute you both are, it’s very hard to keep to his simple plans, lots of hugs, forehead kisses and even some playful pecks, depending on the mood of the outing. Yoseob just loves making good memories with you, and the more involved you are in the outing, the easier his affections will pour out of him.

Yoseob is a natural romantic and will go the extra mile for you, so a lot of your dates are well thought out. Of course your reactions are the reward to him, and he’ll be so touched when you’re so surprised and gushing out compliments, your own love for him being spoken and given to him in kisses and hugs too. He’s never embarrassed by going the extra level to see you smile.

Private kisses:

Being at home with Yoseob is a mix of playful banter and laughter, and a quieter, chill vibe. He is quite the dork, but only because he genuinely wants to see your smile and will do anything to see your lips curl up, or hear your laughter often. During these moments he’s more likely to over-kiss you, exaggerating his movements on your lips, making you giggle in the midst of it. He can be really weird though, and sometimes you’re a little concerned how he could think so out of the box, shaking your head at him and his antics. And so he’ll pout dramatically, chasing you around until you’re in his arms and being inundated with his lips all over you. Yoseob is such a mood maker, and you can count on him to make every day fun at his side.

When he’s feeling calmer, he’s the type to watch you, smiling to himself at how lucky he is to have you. And if you’re doing a task/hobby that you’re really passionate about, he cannot help but interrupt you after some time, kissing you with a proud expression, just really in love with how you look when so involved in your favourite things. Seeing your genuine and pure joy over something is enough to fulfil him after a draining day, and naturally he’ll keep kissing you once you’re free to do so, telling you how much he likes seeing you that happy. After awhile this mood could either turn playful or more heated, depending on your reactions to him, and you love how every time you’re in his company you are always entertained, or further, feeling completely cherished by him.

Making out:

Yoseob likes the affect he has over you whenever things get heated. It doesn’t matter who initiated the lustful environment, but when he gets worked up, he only has one goal – to affect your breathing. He loves how his lips, his tongue and his touch can make you gasp, moan, and heighten or slow down your breathing. He focuses on kissing you in ways that makes you breathless, only to slow it right down so all he can hear is your breathing change, your grip on him tightening as he delicately brushes his lips over your collarbone. He is quite the tease because of this habit of his, and it can really drive you to another level of desire, becoming impatient and wanting more of him. Lots of smirks and nipping when you start to get naughtier in your own caresses towards him to hurry him along, and he is the type to playfully slap back your need to move things along, especially if he notices you holding onto your breath at his attacks. He needs to hear your subtle changes to continue on with his mission to take you to that higher level, but in his own time of course. He can hold out on you for quite some time, content in making you a complete mess under his control. Eventually though, he’ll cave and want more from you, the rush of trying to get you both to someplace more comfortable and with less clothing overriding any breath play that he was previously obsessing over.

Morning kisses:

There’s no need for an alarm in your bedroom. Yoseob wakes you in the best kind of way, his soft lips along your jawline, slowly making their way to your mouth, kissing you awake gently. There’s a lot of smiles and cute soft kisses once you’re awake, the mood becoming a little playful, Yoseob booping you on the nose and your giggles making his morning that brighter. Even if it’s storming outside, inside your bedroom it’s like a sunny day with no clouds, both of you enjoying the cute time together. And you tease him a little, his sleeping habits always fun to bring up in the morning, though he always tickles you to make you breathless from all your laughter, before drawing you into his arms and smiling that smile which you know was only ever made for you to see, making you melt into the embrace and kiss him tenderly. Ah, what bliss.

Making up:

Yoseob can have a temper if he lets it become an issue, so fighting with him is always heated. He has a bit of a sass undertone too, using his sharp tongue and petty mannerisms to really lay into your argument. It’s never something you enjoy, and even though he can see you cracking with the pain, he can’t seem to calm himself down enough either, both of you needing a break from each other after fighting. It could be only an hour or three days, but eventually the fight will only make him depressed, worried about his lack of ability to fully get his feelings across to you without getting emotional, and worried that he’s upset you too much. He’ll be the first to approach you to make up, holding you closely to him as he apologises, kissing your forehead/side of your head a lot, and burying himself into you, making you both an entangled mess of limbs and feelings, but it’s a nice way to be after avoiding each other and the problem too.

Dishonest kisses:

Yoseob has a little habit of telling exaggerated stories, or little white lies. Most of the time they’re to cover his butt, or to lessen the trouble by throwing it onto someone else. He doesn’t mean it in a bad way; it’s just easy to tell what happened with a little more flourish. But you’ve been dating way too long now, and just like his members, you can tell when he’s being a little dishonest with how it really went down. And whilst you shouldn’t really reward him for this behaviour, you cannot help but play into it a little, quirking an eyebrow when you catch him out and pursing your lips together, watching as he flusters his way through with an awkward laugh. You cannot help but find him adorable when you catch him out, grinning to yourself before pressing your lips together; trying to not give him any more room to think it’s okay to lie. Yoseob takes your lapse in control to his advantage, kissing you in between his laughter, asking you why you’re so cute, trying to distract you away from his fibbing and showering you in his affections to lessen his punishment. You cannot help but respond to his kisses with your own, but when you’re done, you’ll place your hands on your hips and tell him to give it up, scolding him with a smile on your face. One day you’ll get the hang of not playing into his games – maybe!

Cute kisses:

He knows he’s cute, he’s even admitted it to you before, and because of this, he knows how to work his charms to get you where he wants you. He’ll do anything to capture your heart, making you blush and giggle, putting him at an advantage. Now you’re going to be slightly more willing to do what he wants, all he needs to do is seal the deal. He loves kissing you cutely, commenting on how red your cheeks are getting before pecking them too. This is a great strategy of his, especially if he’s trying to get out of something too (cough see above cough). Your weakness is when his face is alive with his playful ways, unable to resist Yoseob when he’s being completely adorable and fluffy with you.

Food kisses:

This one is short and sweet, literally! Like a few of the other foodies in this series, Yoseob loves eating with you, cooking with you, and doing anything with food. He is always happy and content when well fed, and if he’s with you, he’s more inclined to want to cuddle up with you afterwards and kiss you cheeks or forehead, grateful for a good meal in your company. Especially if you made it, he’ll be more appreciative of your efforts, thanking you with his lips and his words.

If you’re eating something as a snack, or a sweet dessert without him, he’ll lean over you and cut into your eating session, tasting whatever it is from your lips, pulling away with a sly smile and telling you how everything tastes better from your mouth.

Comforting kisses:

One of Yoseob’s strongest traits is that he’ll do anything for those he cares about. If you’re sick, you know he’ll be the most efficient carer of you until you’re back to full health. If you have a nightmare, he’ll scare those bad feelings away, holding you protectively and reminding you he’ll never let anything bad happen to you when you’re with him. He’ll do anything to cheer you up, from his weird antics, to researching online on how to help you with whatever you might be facing.

He’s very gentle with you during these times, brushing your hair away from your face and cupping your cheeks in his hands, kissing you softly. It’s always so full of care and it makes you stunned when he kisses you like this, feeling completely overwhelmed with Yoseob’s way of looking out for you. It’s moments like these where his love for you really shines, and you cannot help but fall more for him, something you never thought was possible anymore.

Stressed kisses:

And much like how Yoseob knows how to help you, when he’s stressed out from work, you know just how to ease his tensions. Yoseob, because of not outwardly expressing his emotions is the type to internalise, and further, believe he’s a burden on others when things with whatever is stressing him out turn south. He also overloads himself, wanting to try and fix everything, but when stressed, it’s much harder to accomplish this. You softly remind he is only human and to slow down, taking him in your arms late at night and just running your hands through his hair in a rhythm, Yoseob allowing himself to surrender to your comfort, soon drifting off to sleep in your embrace. You love these moments, holding the man you love close to yourself, gently touching his brows that are still slightly furrowed to ease them as he sleeps, and kissing the bridge of his nose lightly, or his lips, smiling to yourself at how peaceful he is. In the morning when he wakes up and remembers your care and advice, Yoseob smiles broadly, reaching to pull you into his arms more tightly, waking you but you don’t mind, hugging him back too, basking in all his extra kisses in your morning session and relieved to see him smiling again.

Silent kisses:

I’ve said it a few times, but Yoseob isn’t the outright type when it comes to his inner feelings. He’s not shy to speak up about what matters most to him in your relationship, but he does take his time to express those to you, after much deliberation of how he should. It’s always special when he finally does speak his mind, but you’ve gotten so used to reading him through his eyes, that you appreciate soul searching with him more often - not that his words aren’t overwhelming and beautiful when you hear them of course you love hearing them. It’s just that you’ve found other ways to read him, sinking into his umber depths easily, sharing long, intense periods where words aren’t even needed. Your hands intertwined as you listen to his non verbal confessions, your lips curling up with pleasure at how much you live for these moments. But eventually you can’t take it, leaning over to kiss him, his own mouth caressing you with such passion that you know that you couldn’t find anything on this earth more amazing than Yoseob’s love. When you finally separate, you grin and tell him you love him too, his own mouth spreading widely with his joy, before his lips connect with yours, over and over, in an endless pattern of quiet stares and beautiful, breathtaking kisses.

Loving Yoseob is effortless, because he takes such amazing care of you. He’s always your biggest supporter, cheering you on, lifting you up and making you laugh daily. You honestly believe he is the only one for you, and that’s all he wants to be, loving you forever, and enjoying the affections you shower him with always.

_______________

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[get-rammed]

Long Dong Silver

Just gonna slap down some basic info on all my characters. It's gonna get long. Also a few retcons to previous characters. Oof yeah, it got LONG

Dakota-7 - age: 123 - class: Titan - race: Exo - height: 6′5″ - Ghost name: Cassie

Personality: Good fucking dude. He’s an incredibly happy guy. Always nice, never mad. Like seriously, he’s a genuinely good dude. Will give you the clothes off his back, and if he has none to offer, then he’d help you find some. He’s too nice though. Often is taken advantage of. Also super naive about a lot of things. Tries to see the best in even the worst of people. Which usually just ends up with him hurt. Which is why Cassie is a panicky worry wart of a Ghost.

Background: Woke up inside of a tree. Like straight up. A tree grew around his body. Took Cassie a long fucking time to get his ass out. Traveled alone for a long time before Cassie finally was able to convince him to go to the city. He’s not anyone real important. Just a mechanic that occasionally helps out Amanda. Doesn’t know much about his past life, and is told it’s better if he didn’t know. He’s okay with that. Gotta focus on the now.

Fun facts: Vex are the one enemy he CAN’T go near. His tech was built heavily off of the Vex to the point that there’s a small backdoor they can use to override him and basically puppet him around (thankfully there was very few of his model produced for this reason). He has no memory of the incident that barred him from ever going near the Vex, but he’s told he’s better off not knowing.

-He’s a good mechanic. People go to him for uh, not quite legal Sparrow mods to be equipped. Ones Amanda can’t apply as the Vanguard watches her. 

-Learned to speak the enemies language so he can chat with them and trade parts every now and again

-As gentle as this boy is, and as kind as he is, you’d think he’d be a huge sub. WRONG. He’s a hardcore dom. Very demanding and vocal. But always makes sure his partners are having a good time. Sweet boy that loves to cuddle his partners

Alexis-137 - age: will not share - class: Hunter - race: Exo - height: 6′1″ - Ghost name: Ripper

Personality: She’s quiet. Cunning. Always watching and listening. Loyal as hell. Keeps most of her personality to herself. Less people know about her the better. 

Background: A contract killer that got the option for an upgrade she couldn’t refuse. Smart, fast, and no remorse. A brutal killer that survived the Collapse. Still went after her targets, just found a few were now a little harder to kill. Easy enough when she figured out their new floating friends had to go. World may have ended, but she still keeps her word. Ripper came to her and told her what he was and then what she was. She brushed him off at all points. Gonna add a bit for Ripper here as well. He had to swallow that his Guardian was a murder. One that had no issue killing other Guardians. So long they were on her list. She only knows all this now, because she kept a journal. Knows everything about her past life. Refuses to forget every life she’s taken. It’s not fair to them. Even though she’s far nicer now than she was, actually cares for Ripper now an all that, she still kept up her business.

Fun facts: 137 is not the amount of times she’s rebooted. She’d be completely nuts if that was the case. It’s the amount of Guardians she’s silenced.

-She has never once rebooted. Fit perfectly with her new body and anything she saw, she was supposed to see. As hardcore as she is, she’s still far nicer than she was when Ripper first found her.

-Dakota is her actual son.

-A previous set of Vanguards asked Alexis to be their silencer so to speak. Someone spoke out? Shame. The current Vanguard don’t like the idea of her and told her to leave.

-She’s the reason Rook isn’t an active Guardian anymore. She was ambushed and missed her shot at his Ghost, simply wounding her instead of killing her.

-Her and Manthres have had a long history with a lot of clashes. End up getting together because they’re both old and tired.

Rook-14 - age: 289 - class: Titan - race: Exo - Height: 6′6″ - Ghost name: Kari

Personality: Kind older Exo. Tries to be everyones hot dad. Kind of keeps to himself a bit. After his Ghost was attacked he went private, too scared to talk to a lot of people. Became a little paranoid. (He’s a newer character. Still workin’ on em). Dispite his almost kind of harsh intro to most people, he’s still a huge flirt

Background: He used to be a well loved and popular trainer. He just wasn’t quiet on his opinions on the Vanguard in power at the time. Which landed him on the list. He knows someone tried to kill him, he doesn’t know who, but it worked. He survived the incident with just Kari getting hit unfortunately, and had to keep quiet. Opened a bar on the city and now gives advice if you buy a drink. 

Fun facts: Found and trained Alison. Also taught her how to swear

-Sugar daddy material. Like straight up. He fucking loves getting his babies anything they want. Adores seeing them happy

-A giving partner. Honestly just loves to go at it honestly. Nothin’ real special about it. Unless he can convince Riot or someone to join in. Then it’s more fun for him. Double dick a partner ;)

Alison-1 - age: 97 - class: Titan - race: Exo - Height: 7' - Ghost name: Ophelia

Personality: Alison is that big sister that hits you over the head and calls you a moron all the time. To be fair, you were a moron and she was just making sure you knew. It's in a loving kind of way though. Kind to those she trusts, and cautious with those she's unsure of. She can be a wee bit unapologetic and brash. She's a Titan, what do you expect. Alison is hot tempered, a little cold a times, and is far more powerful than most Guardians. With a resting bitch face and a height that towers over most, she's intimidating through and through. A little over confident. An by a little I mean A LOT. She can admit she’s not the brightest though. Much rather fight shit than talk to it. She’s quick witted and street smart though. Scan talk just about anyone out of something if she wants it. A little vain, never catch her armor being the same colour for more than a week.

Background: Alison was found and taught by Rook-14. She didn’t like to listen, and he didn’t have the energy to deal with a cocky new rez. He taught her patience and a good way to shut up the new guys. Shove them into enemy fire and wish them the best of luck. She had the opportunity to learn more about herself in the past and turned it down. With the nightmares she has of her previous life, no thanks. She was a high ranking Guardian that used to just get sent out to take out high priority targets as they knew she would get it done. But found herself being punished for going against what was asked of her. It saved her Fireteam and another one. The Vanguard appreciate what she did, but they still had to punish her. Which landed her in a training position. She found it fun. She likes training new Guardians. Makes sure they know how to hold a gun properly and protect themselves if they’re out of ammo. Guardians trained by her have a better start than most. 

Fun facts: While she doesn’t know why, but she always gets terrified when someone goes down. She knows they’ll get up, but she’s terrified that they might not one time. 

-Often has nightmares of the Vex. Ophelia assumes its part of how she died. Alison avoids Vex if possible. She also avoids sleeping, which she already has a hard time due to being an Exo. Which means she always kind of tired

-Guardians trained by her, appreciate what she’s taught them and often bring her gifts

-Often used as a bodyguard when she’s not assigned to train

-Can and will throw your ass out of harms way if you’re not listening to her. Don’t want to stop fighting that thing that is way stronger than you? TOO BAD. TUCK YOUR ARMS

-Is one of the first working Exo prototypes. As such, she often experiences issues with parts of her just not working right. Sticking or just shutting down. If the Light had been gone for more than five years, good chance Ali would have died. A fatal flaw was found in her model of Exo after her disappearance. Too soft a metal was used internally and eventually the part breaks apart and slowly tears the inside apart. Incredibly painful and slow way to die. She’s good though. So long as the Light doesn’t go out again

-As a lover she can be either sweet or vicious. Depends what's asked of her. She's a giant softie for her partner(s). Lots of gifts and a fuck ton of attention all the time, but especially after she plays rough. She adores making her partner feel amazing

Yana-9 - age: 67 - class: Warlock - race: Exo - height: 6′1″ - Ghost name:  Jenka

Personality: Over confident asshole Warlock. Smarter than you, and she’ll make sure you know it. Can admit though that she can’t fight very well, which is why she always has a bodyguard of some form with her. Flirty as hell

Background: Yana woke and knew nothing of herself, but knew she had to research something, anything. The city provided her the opportunity to study various Golden Age tech and history. They assigned her Riot. They got along well, sometimes a little too well if ya know what I mean hur hur. Then during a regular mission gone wrong, Riot dipped out to guide some Cabal away from Yana. She was knocked unconscious and couldn’t respond to Riot’s calls. She was found and taken away to safety by some passing Guardians. Yana didn’t know what happened to him for the longest time and just assumed he left her for dead. Five years after the incident Mena found Riot and forced him to apologize to Yana. First thing she did was slap him then hug him. Now they’re cool, but aren’t really quite on talk like they used to level

Fun facts: Currently poking around Mars by Ana’s request

-Fast. Like she’s stupid fast for a Warlock. Easily outrun a Hunter or her bodyguard if needed

-Once talked some Hive out of killing her. She was out of ammo and her bodyguard was down for the count. She just started yelling weird facts she knew, and they got so fucking bored they just left her

-Got her name from her Ghost saying “Yeah, nah.”. Her original name has been scratched out

Riot-4 - age: 4378 (he's a long living alien. He's a little older) - class: Titan - race: Rokin - height: 6'7" (30' in his actual form) - Ghost name: Cherry

Personality: before his incident he was over confident and a massive narcissist. Very much all about him. Gave little regard to anyone but Yana, the Guardian he was protecting. After his incident he calmed down a /lot/. He's still over confident, but now it's so he doesn't cry. He's a huge coward. He's now a "I'm depressed, have PTSD, and I want to die every second I'm alive, but at least I'm hot?" kind of person. Relatable. He's a lot sweeter now. A very giving partner. Out for their pleasure over his own. A little on the grosser side, as he constantly flirts and makes dirty jokes toward everyone. He can't turn it off at this point

Background: So like, I introduced an alien species to Destiny, because I can. The Rokin. Giant shapeshifters. He was part of a scouting crew. Come to Earth, see if it's fit to be used as a resource planet and come home. Didn't work out that way. The crew got stranded, with the remaining being Riot and Mena. She died and he got stuck by himself. He survived the collapse and just kind of lived as a drifter. He ran across a smell he knew and damn near screamed. MENAOHTHANKFUCKYOU’REALIVEOHMANIWASSOSCAREDDIDYOUKNOWSOMEWALRUSLORDSREALLYDON’TLIKEOTHERPEOPLESGHOSTS? BECAUSEBOYHOWDYTHEYTRIEDTOKILLCHERRYLIKETWICE. THEY’REKINDAMEAN. ANYCHANCEYOUWANTTOLIKEPROTECTMYASS? THANKYOUDEARMANYLOVES. He was excited when he ran across her as a Guardian to say the least. Zavala assigned him to be a bodyguard for Yana. It went well until they got separated and he assumed she was dead. He's a weenie and blended in with the Cabal instead of facing the Vanguard. For five years he had to act like a Cabal. Which meant killing and torturing Guardians. It fucked him up pretty bad. Mena found him on accident and was quick to drag him back to the city for him to explain what happened. He left out the killing of Guardians part. Only his friends know

Fun facts: Riot is a huge fucking slut. Uses sex as a coping mechanism. Keeps his body and mind busy. He always enjoyed sex, but now just does it to keep busy. Also a pretty kinky bastard. Loves the weird stuff. Kind of a huge sub, but will dom if requested. Would rather do quick and hard without learning names. But doesn’t mind slow and easy with learning about his sexual partner. Shape shifting comes in handy for when he wants to go get a good egg dicking from a Hive Knight. Fun fact. His dick is at default an ovipositor. Rokin come from eggs. He can make it anything his partner wants or needs. Unless he’s bottoming, then dicks don’t matter

-Thick as fuck southern accent. He needed to learn English, and he needed to learn it fast. Family he hid in liked western movies, and had southern accents themselves. So he adopted the accent when speaking English. Other languages he doesn’t have the southern accent, but instead mimics whatever accent he learned the language in

-Was once mated to Mena. They have two kids together, but due to a rather harsh dispute, they lost their kids and their lives. Which is how they ended up on Earth in the first place. They had a lot of time to talk about it and are a little better with one another. To where Mena will allow Riot to join in on outings with her and Dakota. Kota never minds, he likes Riot. Mena would love to have the both of them, but she’s still got some deep seeded rage against Riot that won’t allow him in that way again

-Is terrified of relationships due to a lot of the things that happened to him. He knows he’s got a lot going on mentally and emotionally, an he doesn’t want to dump that on someone else. He’s also still hurt about Mena even though it’s been well over 600 years. Which to be fair isn’t a lot to their species

-Due to the Rokin being a species the Traveler isn’t familiar with, it was unable to take their memories

-Not banned from Crucible. Mostly because Shaxx thinks he’s a giant weenie, which he is, but also because Riot won’t even step foot in a Crucible arena now

-Dis boy can cook. Took up cooking when his anxiety kept him up at night. It’s also how his friends know he had a nightmare, which he gets a lot of. If there’s a sudden large amount of food for them, well, Riot couldn’t sleep. Usually find him passed out in the kitchen somewhere. Mena drags him back to his bed and lays down on top of him. He still likes sleeping by her. Her weight and just having a living body near him, helps him sleep a lot better

-Constantly has nightmares. Can’t sleep for shit most nights. Often slinks into a friends bed to sleep next to them. He’s not weird about it. Just kind of flops down next to them. They all have blankets in their rooms now for him. Unless he goes into Alison’s bed. Then that’s just to get fucked and enjoy her aftercare

-He just really wants someone to hold him and make him feel loved tbh. He’s got a whole lot going on and can’t function right anymore

Mena-4 - age: 3897 - class: Titan - race: Rokin - height: 5' (40' in her actual form) - Ghost name: Fletcher

Personality: She got some pretty heavy retcons from the orignal post I made about her. She’s still a happy nice being. Can actually experience any emotion at any level. She doesn’t show other people much about herself outside of being nice and quiet. Keeps her on peoples good sides. Too many people have tried to cross her and she had to embarrass them in front of everyone. Sassy needy little thing. Not that anything she says you’ll understand, but it’s how she moves that tells you, you’re being taunted. That or Fletcher laughing and translating will let you know. 

Backgroud: She was sent to Earth to blend in with our top scientists to see what was being studied. She performed her task perfectly. Started chatting, well, started interacting with a guard, Dakota. Ohhhhh what a coincidence I know. They get together, and adopt a kid together. Mena goes to work and has to help one of the first gen Exos wake up. Alison. Ali, uh, didn’t wake up happy. Woke up confused and angry. Too bad her claws were designed to tear through metal, because Mena’s skin was soft. I’m saying a freshly woken Exo Alison killed Mena on accident. Lol whoops. Woke up at the bottom of a lake.To say Fletcher was surprised is an understatement. Not often your Guardian turns out to NOT be human, but instead an invading alien. Alexis had helped Fletcher look for her Guardian. She wasn’t surprised about Mena’s form. As in her journal it said her daughter in law was an alien and dumped in this lake. She was just a little surprised she had Mena’s Ghost with her. Alexis filled her in and gave her advice. She took Alexis's advice and dooted around as an Exo. On her way to the city she ran across Riot. Dragged his ass with her. Alexis introduced Mena and Dakota just to see what would happen. Dakota obviously has no memory of Mena, plus last either had seen of the other they were both Human. So Mena is just meeting some random Russian named Dakota who just happened to know the same Alexis she knew. Oh shit wait, you have a picture of your wife? Shit boy that’s me. She kept that part to herself as to not freak Dakota out. It’d be weird to know everything about someone while they know little about you. So she’s letting the relationship rebuild naturally. It’s going well

Fun facts: Mena and Dakota were married before the collapse. Obvs. It was on accident, she never meant to fall for a Human, but he was SO SWEET

-Mena was stuck learning to understand Earth languages as fast as she could so she could understand our maths and sciences, but she didn’t have time to learn how to speak any of it. Leaving her effectively mute on our planet. She’s trying to learn some now. Dakota is attempting to teach her Russian, Alison Spanish, and English from Victoria. It’s not going well. Fletcher translates when Mena speaks in her own language

-The Vanguard know of her and Riot. Know what they are. The Vanguard ask they keep it secret, as the regular people already have enough to worry about. Nothing about Mena and Riot would be a comfort to them

-BANNED FROM CRUCIBLE. She would always make bets she could do matches without dying or taking any damage. Of course when you can make your skin soft and squishy, or hard as hell, it was super easy. Shaxx caught wind and since he know what she is, he had to bring down the ban hammer. Plus she’s fucking wicked with a gun. Got a lot of complaints

-Soft girl. Like so soft. Squish squish. Just likes to get fucked. Don’t matter how. Just give it to her. Usually likes to be the power bottom, but doesn’t mind changing it up For her the more the merrier. Same goes for relationships. Her and Dakota have an open one. Could include a partner or two for sex, or to just join their relationship. They don’t mind either way

Manthres, Slayer Of Light - age: 683 (there’s no real data on Eliksni life spans sooooo) - class: variation of Titan - race: Eliksni - height: 11′ - Ghost name: Veros

Personality: Old and kind of grumpy. She’s been through a lot of shit and literally just wants to die already. Sarcastic. Grandma to literally everyone though. She hated Guardians, Human and otherwise, but ya know. Kind of had to reevaluate after Veros found her. Now she just wants all her children to come back from their missions safe. Absolutely will not take your advice. She knows what she’s doing. She’s old what do you expect

Background: This has a few changes from what I’ve said in the past. She is an Archon Priest for a long dead house found herself at the doorstep to the House of Devils. As their Priest role was filled at the time, she just got a high ranking Captain position instead. She didn’t mind. She didn’t get as much Ether, but still enough to survive in her massive form. Ran with them for years until Siva. Then her and her crew noped the fuck out. Found themselves as outcasts. They were enjoying a successful Ether grab when the Cabal attacked their ship. Everyone was dead outside of a hatchling, Xinos (who, yes I’m aware was originally spelled Zinos. I straight up DO NOT KNOW how I fucked that up. But at this point it’s just going to stay Xinos), and Manthres herself. She laid dying and she was so thankful. Finally her pain would go away. Lol nah dude. Howdy I’m your Ghost, let me just heal ya real quick. Veros convinced her to go the city and meet her new leaders. She begrudgingly agreed. Everyone stepped out of her way when she showed up. Everyone stared. Not every day an Eliksni Guardian shows up. Even less so when one is as big or well known as Manthres is. Needless to say her reception wasn’t a warm one. Even from Zavala who was informed he was her Vanguard as she was a variation of Titan. Everyone is a lot kinder to her now, but that still doesn’t change what she’s done. Which is why she asked to stay dead after she dies. She doesn’t want to forget her life or those she’s killed. That’s not fair to the lost lives

Fun facts: She had to drop the ‘Slayer Of Light’ part of her name for obvious reasons. She earned it in the first place from a dying Guardian that was sent in a Fireteam to kill her. The information on her was blurry. No one knew she was THAT big until she showed up at the Tower. Only one to meet Manthres and survive is Alexis

-She has slaughtered hundreds of Guardians without caring to learn their names. But we do the same to her kind in the thousands. Who between the two of us is really the bigger threat?

-Riot taught her how to bake cookies. They’re not the best but they’re not ass either. She likes to make them for her Fireteams. Likes to give them out after missions for a mission well done

-Has gone on raids. But only to the Leviathan as Calus is kind enough to allow her to watch and still get free shit. Mostly because his tailors need time to measure and make her armor. Gives them something exciting to do. NEW BODY SHAPE OH HELL YEAH. But also because she is a rarity upon his ship

-Not a fan of how people are now pushing her to stay back in the city. She understands they don’t want her to die, but she has to someday. She’d rather die in the field than among the penned cattle

Victoria-1 - age: 3 - class: Hunter - race: Exo - height: 5′5″ - Ghost name: Axel

Personality: She is an incredibly new rez. Still in the “I’m going to do everything because I can’t die.” phase. Little firecracker. Hyper as shit. Likes to stick things in her mouth (thankfully she has Teren now so shE’LL STOP THAT SHIT). Kind of ditzy. She never cared much for learning. Not when she can snoop around to find neat shit and stab people

Background: Woke up on Venus and touched everything. Poor Axel. He wanted a Guardian that explored, and he got one, but he’d have liked getting one that would stop trying to fucking go places she can’t be. The Vanguard gave up on even trying to get her to do the missions they want her to do. She never does them, and when she does she half asses them. They let her do her own thing until she mellows out

Fun facts: Met Teren on the Leviathan. Asked him for a tour and sucked his dick in the Underbelly. They’ve been happily together ever since. She often calls him Sweet T

-Alison trained her. They often talk still. Mostly Victoria just blowing up Alis phone with pictures and texts of what she did for the day. Ali doesn’t mind. She thinks it’s cute

-Can see and react to things really well, but is actually pretty deaf. Neither her nor Axel know why, and looking for the right part to fix her isn’t going well. It’s a small piece that’s super delicate to the point no one bothers to scavenge for them. No one minds speaking up for her. If she can’t quite hear them, she watches lips, if that’s not an option, then Axel just morse codes it at her in flashes. It’s the best she’s got

[docmurph12]

Ok. So two parter on CATS coming up. POSSIBLY a three parter depending on how long it takes to get through background. Here we go......

So my first request review comes from my good friend. I'm not sure how this is going to go, because I'm going whole hog on this one, again in the interest of pure objectivity.

My understanding of CATS is this. It was a Broadway musical based very loosely on T.S. Eliot's "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats". My friends in and fans of the theater community have told me there isnt really an intended overriding plot. The Wikipedia page I found begs to differ, but they insisted it really is just a collection of vignettes, told through the perspective of a cat. Simple enough? I believe so. Now, I also understand this stage musical to have been adapted a number of times, largely for Broadway and for specific actors and actresses, with the noted exception of the film CATS (2019). Yes that one. Yes I intend to watch it. On purpose. But wait there is more. The 2019 film was trashed nearly universally but everyone before they finished the trailer and after the film was released and viewed. Most people said the performances were fine but visually it was recieved as, to put it simply, fucking wierd. I saw one review that said it was released unfinished, with a CD character model floating into the middle of a scene out of context and with no animation, a mess with texture rendering (apparently Ian McKellan has a scene where his fur just doesn't show. Like the texture is flat. Like it looks like it was published on a floppy disk alongside the original Doom). Not to mention the myriad questions that seem to come up in conversation about the character design choices as a whole. Jesus, how bad is this thing??

My resources tell me a BUNCH of super important contextual things about this one, most important of them being that this is SUPER META Broadway at it's best. Like this is the most Broadway that has ever Broadway'ed. This could be a good thing (one of my favorite musical pieces is fucking everything from Les Miserables), or it could be a bad thing (anyone that knows me knows that with notable exceptions I am NOT a big fan of musicals AT ALL, which is strange for me given my proclivity for weirdness, good storytelling, and music). This is going to be fun for everyone I think so strap in folks. This is going to be a wierd ride through furry land with a guy that wants nothing to do with it, lol. (SCORE, looking like 2 parts)

First I'll be looking at CATS (2019), because I am a glutton for punishment, and my wife says that the best way to get through this is to chew through the shit sandwich first, and then to get through the good stuff, so the good stuff is what sticks. I'm not sure I am going to enjoy either part, but I am open to it so here we go. I'll try to keep my writing as live as possible, per usual.

RIGHT AWAY, as I'm completing the Amazon rental purchase, this cast is fucking loaded. Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson. Judi Dench, Jason Derulo (wait, he acts too? Maybe his part is the worst part in this, I hate his music worse than I dislike Taylor Swift), Idris Elba, Ian McKellan, Rebel Wilson, and more. And that doesnt even include any love for people I am not familiar with that might carry some star power over from Broadway. So this thing is loaded for bear with acting heavies. That said, I really don't understand the comic appeal of Rebel Wilson. I don't think she is funny. You already lost me with Taylor Swift and Jason Derulo. All that said, this cast roster looks expensive.

Ok I am a minute and 47 seconds in and my first thought already is what the hell am I listening to? If this was originally put together in the 80s, and its either loved (ironically I guess?)or reviled, why would you stick with the same musical choices as instrumentation is concerned? I'm guessing I am going to have more on this later.

So completely inconsequential to the actual review the word jellicle as it relates to cats is totally ruined thanks to my learning of a word not in may people's vocabularies. Farticles. Thanks to my cousins for that one.

Alright, so full disclosure. I am not a fan of Rebel Wilson. I enjoy aspects of characters she plays, and she can be funny at times, but when your whole act revolves around one aspect of you (in her case it is that she is a large woman. Seriously its like every joke in all 3 Pitch Perfect movies) it says a lot about your ability to tell a story or joke. That said, it is so nice to not hear Rebel Wilson tell fat jokes. She is genuinely talented. It's hard to watch her in this cat suit (? Cat body? Cat war crime? More later), but it's interesting to see someone explore another side of their craft.

The sound design is...off. I'm not sure how else to describe it. You can LOUDLY hear body parts hitting set pieces. Footfalls, people jumping and grabbing on things. Like seriously you can hear it over the music. It sounds like someone got lazy in the mixing room, or they were trying to make it feel more like a stage production. News Flash. It doesn't make it feel like a stage production. It makes it feel like nobody in the production staff cared as much as the actors. I am beginning to suspect that ALL the money on this movie was spent on casting. And concept art.

I am genuinely confused by the choice to have only a couple cats wear clothes, and when they remove them, their fur looks exactly like the clothes they removed. I'm finding myself looking at things they did that wasted money. Money that could have been spent anywhere else to improve this thing.

All things considered, I could watch Idris Elba play the title character in Jaws, and enjoy it.

I'm pretty impressed by the entire cast's commitment to everything they picked up from their movement coaching. It is obvious that they were trying to incorporate a lot of typical feline movement and habitual aspects, even going so far as utilizing ballet movements for some of the dancing (probably because it is more "feline", to use the word again.) Nobody has really slipped yet. It's pretty impressive.

I think the thing that has me most surprised throughout is that this thing has the ability to elevate some (Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, Francesca Hayward, Jennifer Hudson, the VFX artists) and drag others through the dirt, (Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Idris Elba, the VFX artist team), most times in the same scene. It's crazy how on one hand someone truly can astound you with their performance, blow you away with a wonderful rendition of a song some people know well, and on the other hand you see wonderful, well established actors really putting their asses into a performance that has no way of doing them service because there isn't anything there. For comparison, look at Ben Kingsley in Ghandi, or Lucky Number Slevin, versus his performance in Bloodrayne. It's really hard to watch these respected thespians work their asses off for something that won't ultimately pay off for them because it doesn't have the capability to.

Ok so halfway verdict here:

This was a fucking mess. Now I didnt see the original theatrical release, so I have no idea how truly barrel bottom things got here. I CAN say, that I can see the bones of what this is supposed to be buried in the mess of cat shit (see what I did there????).

The concept of the costuming is essentially what I imagine it is for the stage show, but seeing it in it's execution is.....disturbing. The movement coaching was pretty solid and worked well with the dance choreography, but in combination with the actual character design there is an implied sexuality in the feline-ness that makes you uncomfortable, but not in the thought provoking way, just in the "forced to look at naked people covered in cat fur for an hour and a half" kind of way. Like I was even kind of into Idris Elba's performance of Macavity, until he took off the hat and trench coat and now I'm just watching a naked Idris, but with cat ears and a tail. To be honest seeing this throughout the film really took you out of the immersive aspects of it. Not to mention that while lighting was ok, the actual character models pasted on the motion capture actors moved strangely, sometimes the faces were disjointed with the heads, sometimes textures looked unfinished (not as bad as I thought it would be but I know people that could do better than that on their computers at home.) Just a jarring experience visually overall.

The score was ugly and dated too. Or maybe not the score, so much as the instrumentation. Sound design was atrocious throughout, it seemed like the intent was to make it feel more like a stage production, but if that's the case, why go the route they did in terms of set design and all that? Being able to hear hollow flooring under heavy footfall, or people loudly slamming hands into bars they need to grab to catch themselves, or the piss poor choice in instrumentation, the whole thing feels like B roll for the DVD extras. You know what actually did great in updating the music for a more immersive experience? Aladdin. Check my first review out for more on that one.

So halfway verdict? I say a rough D. I dont see myself going back for this one, but I'm not unable to see the appeal. I just am sort of anticipating the 1998 Broadway production (part 2 of this review) so I can see what this is really SUPPOSED to be. Watch for part 2, coming later!

[christinaroseandrews]

You ever have one of those books that you really really want to like but somehow lets you down so hard that after you finish it all you want to do is cry?

Yeah?

So this was that book. 

Settle in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

The alt rock band, The Stone Butterfly is in need of a replacement backup singer. So when in-demand studio musician, Brooklynn Hawk becomes available. The group wants her. But the band isn't the only one who wants her, the lead singer, Levi Matthews, also wants her. Wants her bad. And he's not about to take no for an answer. Despite her attraction, Brooklyn has her own reasons for saying no. She's committed to taking care of her developmentally delayed younger sister and is afraid that saying yes to Levi means saying no to her career. After all, he's a star and she's just a studio musician and a temporary fix. But neither can deny the attraction. Unfortunately, Levi is the only one who won't take no for an answer. There's someone sending postcards who's just a little too invested in the lives of Brooklynn and Levi.

So... I wanted to like this book. I wanted to like it so much. And there is good in here and I think the author may have just mis-stepped. But whoa-boy was it a whole lot of mis-steps. Like fall down the stairs into a pool of broken glass. Like I want to reclaim my time and maybe take a nice long shower while drinking copious amounts of alcohol. 

So before I begin my rant.. here’s what I liked:

I liked everything to do with the music scene. It was well researched and felt real.

I loved the rest of the band. Sasha was probably my favorite member followed by Noah. I'd love to see their stories one day.

Do you notice what’s missing?  If you said the main characters, you’d be right.  There’s a reason for that.  Now on to what I disliked... and be warned... here there be spoilers.

The Hero, Levi, was cut of the same cloth as Edward from Twilight and Christian Grey.  The dude is super stalkery. Especially at the beginning. He was pushy to the point of WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!

So there’s the normal insta-lust that happens in a lot of novels.  It’s ubiquitous so I didn’t give a whole lot of thought.  Then quickly got worse. So here’s a pro-tip authors... when a woman says no repeatedly to a date but the guy persists, it isn't romantic. It's sexual harassment.

But wait, there’s more!

Levi also oversteps a line when he follows Brooklynn home. Sure I get it, you like the girl... that doesn’t give you the right to get into her cab and not get out.  If I were Brooklynn, I’d have gone to a wrong place then take a subway home. It’s even worse, because when all of this goes down he had the power to fire her. So that meant that anything he did came from a place of inequality and if she said no, she'd be out of a job. Literally Brooklynn told him "no" over 20 times and he didn't back off. Even going so far as to corner her (the author's exact words) and kiss her without her permission. That's not romantic. That's sexual assault.

Later in the book, when they hook up.  He dictates where she sleeps and even takes Levi also jumps to so many conclusions, overrides Brooklynn's wishes, and even steamrolls her. And takes care of her sister’s care even though he wasn’t asked to. I couldn't warm up to him. I wanted Brooklynn to dump him and hook up with Noah. Seriously. This was 50 shades of fucked up.

Then there’s Brooklynn.  She’s a little too perfect.  Perfect voice. Perfect body. Talented. The thing is, I liked her.  But in that, you’re way better than the hero and I need someone to like kind of way.  The problem was that the story took place in NYC and the author apparently didn’t think about that... and so kept mixing up the heroine’s name with the city.  Whoops?

The PoC representation wasn't handled well. Black characters repeatedly had their skin referred to as "mocha" something that is considered offensive by many in the Black community and their hair was referred to as "wild" which is also an offensive term.  If you’re an author and not following @writingwithcolor then you need to be right now. 

Go do it.  I’ll wait.

In addition, Brooklynn is supposed to be of Native American descent. That isn't explicitly stated until 94% of the way through the book. I mean there’s tiny hints... but not nearly enough.  To be honest, I was picturing Broolynn as mixed race Asian based off of her description. But initially she was scanning as white.  When indicating race, it needs to be done early and it needs to be done with all characters. Not just the PoCs. And in addition, Native Americans need to be identified by tribe. Representation Matters.

Speaking of representation, the book seriously misrepresented an already stigmatized mental illness: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  The stalker is revealed to be Brooklynn’s developmentally delayed (yes, that is the actual terminology used in the novel) little sister who’s got undiagnosed BPD.  

BPD is often referred to as "Crazy Bitch Syndrome" colloquially however in reality, the way BPD manifests is in self-harm and self-destructive behavior. Marsha Linehan describes BPD thusly  “… borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering. Yet… life is movement.” They don't stalk people and they definitely don't physically harm others. They also tend to commit suicide when they feel hope is lost...  and the illness has  a very high rate of suicide. They don't try to commit murder.

What is often identified in media as BPD is actually Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). The fact that the book perpetuates this myth is incredibly damaging. Representation matters, and for people suffering from BPD or those whose loved ones suffer from BPD (like us) this hurts and can actually reinforce the negative image that all sufferers of BPD have where they feel that they aren't worthy of love and affection and respect. BPD has such a high rate of stigma that finding psychologists who can treat this (it isn’t an illness that is treatable by medication) can take years. 

This kind of negative portrayal has very real impact. And it would have been easily solved if the author had done their research or hired a sensitivity reader. Even the Wikipedia article addresses this. This is willful ignorance. And it’s an unforgivable sin. 

This sin is made even worse in that the two suspects are Women of Color.  The decoy suspect is a Black woman which just helps support the “Angry Black Woman” stereotype.  The actual perpetrator is Native American which goes right into the “Savage Natives” stereotype.  Seriously, don’t fuck around with mental health and PoC.  Just don’t. And be aware of the Unfortunate Implications of what you’re writing. 

Did you follow @writingwithcolor yet?  No?  Do it!!!

Finally, the ARC I received could have used a good proofreader. I tried to check the preview to see if the errors were visible but since they didn't start until chapter 7, I couldn't. Therefore since the book has been published and I received the ARC after the publication date, I have to assume the errors made it in.

Basically, I wanted to like this.  I really really did.  But I couldn’t.  This book made me angry in all the wrong ways. So I can only give it

One star.

If you really want to read this, you can get it on Amazon. *** I received an ARC of this book through NetGalley        

[adaptform]

Just Pick a F***ing Tense (exercising honesty in a public domain)

Oh reflection... It is always valid and further to that the history degree part of my brain (which fades increasingly into that forever faraway horizon) attempts to tell me with authority that I must focus on the past to step into the future… Sure, let me write another essay about that. So when the number of the year goes up a bit and everyone is making resolutions they won’t keep, constructing realistic plans for the year and looking ahead to a future full of potential wonder, guess which direction I am facing? Hey 2016… Turns out I could really not do with that right now.

In looking back over the last year I am confronted by an overwhelming sense of letting people down in the capacity of work and friendship, and frustrations as a result of being somewhere in between over sensitive and a subjection to immature sentiments that do nothing but undermine me. Welcome to the world of questionable mental health. Thoughts and feelings I believed to had left behind are suddenly reignited for you don’t always require action for history to repeat itself. It is essentially a scaling up of a thought process that I have been dealing with (not at all dealing with) since umm mid-November 2015 (I need not be specific about such a specific time now). The year and a bit has been dotted with fantastic events which come morning are completely deconstructed by my head; jokes and actions taken out of context and then focussed on, put on repeat, going round and round and round my head until the memory of the entire event is tarnished… leading to further insecurities about seeing people, thinking I have done something wrong, wondering what people say about me when I’m not there, other vicious cycles…  

So come the end of 2016 that thought process, which I CAN distract myself from on a better day, is totally exemplified. Everyone else is celebrating their achievements of the year and planning next steps. It’s a format we pursue automatically now. But unfortunately there is this seemingly immovable barrier stopping me from focussing on the glory of 2016, I don’t know something like helping to set up Suffolk’s first ever festival of photography which included contemporary internationally acclaimed photographers and photojournalists and was of notable success... Instead my head would rather pick up upon a small interaction one evening where I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at a joke which I then feel bad for and then am anxious about seeing that person who made the joke in the first place again, or a time where I just don’t react appropriately or at all to someone I see the disappointment on their face and that leads to thinking I have let them down or they don’t like me. C’mooonnnnnnn shift in focus!

Because of this I don’t actually want to look too far ahead. I don’t want to announce to the world that I will do this or I want to achieve that. At the minute I am quite worried that this overriding sentiment of letting people/myself down will carry on with the same apparentness and though I hope it won’t stop me taking action broadcasting my intentions for 2017 even to friends fills me with anxiety.

And so I am stuck between tenses. I feel like I am slipping into dwelling on as opposed to reflecting upon the past. My present is not being able to control what tense to focus on, which totally disrupts the present tense. And the future as tradition goes could be something I at least acknowledge to the extent of providing a focus for the year ahead. It can sometimes be a continuous conflict which you become incredibly aware of but not to the degree where you have found control. You end up acting as commentator of your inaction much like a really awful sports pundit #saywhatyousee.  

Yeah so this is all a bit gloomy ain’t it (happy new year)… But I know this will resonate with a lot of people especially as the world is becoming, painstakingly slowly, more aware of mental health conditions and fluctuations. I have been genuinely surprised with the amount of individuals, and organisations that have cited mental health around the Christmas and new year period in a “it’s not always a happy time for some” kind of way. Still too greater number fail to acknowledge mental health or have not been introduced to the topic. Some will question why I have even written these very words. Not only it is important for me to understand where I am and attempt to rationalise my thought processes, if it gives any sort of insight into what an individual with a questionable mental health can think and how it impacts on their lives and the people around them, then that’s another step in the right direction for awareness and support of such matters. It really does benefit everyone.

I hope everyone out there has someone to talk to about mental health, or at least pen and paper (it really does help). If you’re struggling please try to speak openly about what is going on. Even if it doesn’t make sense. You can always change the order of the words until they do! There are some fantastic people doing great things for the awareness of mental health and who provide support e.g. The Sad Ghost Club, The Blurt Foundation, Time to Change, Mind to name a few. Have a google. Find what works for you and here’s to a year of expression, and of a greater understanding of mental health for ALL people.