#in the end i went with daylight by taylor swift & nothing matters but you by madison beer <3

[sparklyseblos]

hi hi hi! so @aroundthewaygirlao3 has blessed us with a beautiful portwell xmas fic which i absolutely adore (as per usual) so i thought i’d make a moodboard for it! hope you like it <3

go read the salt sugar plum swap if you haven’t already, it’s so so good! and merry christmas if you celebrate 🩷

[slytherheign]

AFTERGLOW | charles leclerc

PART 3/3 OF LOVER: THE TRILOGY.

PAIRING: charles leclerc x fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 3.2k

SUMMARY: the dark nights may have already passed but the biggest storm is just beginning. the daylight is becoming harder to be seen, and now you see yourself questioning if love will be enough to conquer all—even the afterglow.

WARNINGS: angst, hate, doubts, cursing/swearing, and arguments. let me know if i missed any warnings. [⚠︎︎RATING: G]

AUTHOR’S NOTE: inspired by taylor swift’s song with the same title. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S FINALLY HERE! this is way overdue and i apologize. i owe you guys a lot of fics for being absent for way too long. this is dedicated to ALL of you! thank you guys so much for the never-ending support.

DESTINATION: Sweet Street | GO TO TRILOGY MASTERLIST or GO BACK TO THE STATION.

At first, it was just a few comments here and there, snide remarks about your differences—how Charles was way too good for you or how you didn't fit into society's expectations. You brushed them off, laughed them away, thinking that their words couldn't penetrate the walls you had built around the two of you.

But little did you know how wrong you were.

The online hate began to escalate, turning into a relentless storm that seemed to follow you wherever you went. Your private moments were invaded, dissected, and judged by people who had no right to pass such harsh judgment. Their words became a constant presence, infecting your mind, and sowing seeds of doubt and insecurity.

“So, she basically has nothing… and then she decides to date Charles, who obviously, has everything. I don’t know about y’all… but I feel like she’s just dating him because she knows he can provide for her.”

“She’s giving me golddigger vibes.”

“No cause fr what the hell did she do to get Charles to fall for her.”

Your eyes were glued to your phone while Charles was making dinner. No matter what application you seemed to open, you were all over social media. After Charles decided to launch your relationship to the public, both your names became trending ever since. 

“Chérie, do you know where the pasta is?” he asked. He was opening the cabinets in the kitchen quite loudly but all the noises were drowned out as you scrolled further down the comments.

“Imagine this… she leaves everything, including her family and friends, just to focus on herself. What makes us think she wouldn’t do the same to Charles?”

“Selfish. That’s one word I would describe her.”

Your hands began to shake and you felt the tears pooling in your eyes. 

“Nevermind. Chérie, I found it!” he cheered.

This time, you heard his voice. Yet again noticing how accomplishing little things seemed to cheer him up. God, he was such a light. His soul was so pure and innocent.

“Charles needs to leave her while it’s still early omg.”

“Give her a few months and we’ll see just how much she’d damage him.”

Now that you were thinking about it, it seemed that everyone you come across with ends up in ruins. It was always dreams before relationships for you, life before love, and self before others.

Maybe they were right. You were selfish.

“Either she leaves him or Charles leaves her first. I hope it’s the second one.”

“He needs to escape. She’ll hurt him more the longer he’s with her.”

The more you read their words, the more they were becoming true in your head.

“Charles does not deserve someone like her. I said what I said.”

You glanced at him, his back facing you as he cooked dinner. He was humming a song, a soft song he would always play on his piano for you. It was impossible to stop the tears that started falling. 

You were scared. 

Scared that what they said was true and that the longer you were in his life, the more you’d damage him.

You were scared for him.

And scared of you.

“Pls even her best friend, Charlotte, is better than her.”

“If I was him, I’d leave right this instant.”

You didn’t want to damage him. You didn’t want to taint someone so pure.

What you wanted to do was protect him. Protect him from harm, protect him from any damages, protect him from getting hurt…

“We need to protect Charles from her.”

But what if they were right? 

They were his fans for a reason. They care for him.

Surely, they know what’s best for him…

“When is girlie going to realize that she’s the problem.”

They were right.

You were the problem. 

You were the harm, the person who does the damage, the person who would hurt him.

“I hope they break up. It’s what’s best for Charles.”

Charles took the phone in your hand and threw it on the wall. You stared at him in shock. How long was he behind you? You didn’t even hear his footsteps. Did he see the comments you were reading?

“What the hell are you reading, mon amour?” he asked angrily. But when he noticed you crying, he softened his voice. “I was calling your name, asking you to taste the sauce. You weren’t answering so I decided to come here.”

You stared at your broken phone on the floor. He followed your line of sight.

“I can replace it. Don’t worry about it.”

He put his hand on your cheek, moving your face so you were facing him. 

“I-I don’t know what the other comments said, I only read about the last few ones,” he wiped your tears. “And I can assure you, I won’t break up with you. I’ll never do that.”

“Maybe you should,” you replied.

“Mon amour, I understand what you’re feeling right now. You’re not used to online hate and strangers on the internet criticizing you, but I am. And the best thing we can do is ignore them. They have no idea what happens behind closed doors and cameras. They know nothing.”

“Charles, they’re your fans. They were there for you even before I came into your life.”

“That doesn’t mean they know everything about me.”

“I don’t know, Charles…” you turned your face away from him, his hands dropping from your face in the process. You slightly distanced yourself from him.

Their words were poison and they went straight to your head. It was painful to admit, but you started questioning the strength of your relationship. How could you build a future amidst the chaos and resentment? You tried not to pay them attention, to convince yourself that love could conquer all, but the weight of the hate grew heavier with each passing day.

“Do I really mean that little to you?” Charles asked suddenly.

You blew things out of proportion, and now he was blue.

You looked back at him but you kept your distance.

“Why would you think that?” 

“Because you’re just throwing everything away like the last two years didn’t exist.” 

“Charles, no–that’s not—” you walked closer to him but he was the one who distanced himself this time.

“I’ve fought for this relationship, for you—time and time again. And you can’t do the same?”

You were speechless.

You put him in jail for something he didn't do.

“I told you countless times, I can protect you—I will protect you. Don’t you trust me enough?” he continued.

You pinned his hands behind his back.

“Charles, it’s not about you protecting me… because I know you will. It’s about—”

“It’s about what?” he stared at you, his eyes glistening with tears he was trying hard to keep from falling.

Thought you had reason to attack, but no.

You looked at him with tears, lips quivering as you prepared to say the words.

“It’s about what, Y/N?” Charles held your face with his hands, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “It’s about what?” his voice was shaking. “Tell me, chérie… please?”

Fighting with a true love was like boxing with no gloves. 

“It’s about me protecting you, Charles,” you whimpered. “Maybe the things that they’re saying are true—maybe you need to run away from me before I leave you. Maybe I-I’m not truly what you need…”

You covered his hands with yours. “Charles… maybe we should just—”

Chemistry 'til it blew up, 'til there's no you and him anymore.

“No,” he answered.

“Charles, I think—”

“I know what you’re thinking. And no—that’s my final answer.”

He let go of you and started to pace the room.

“Charles—”

“We’ve made it this far… and you’re just going to give up now?” he stared at you, looking at your eyes for some sort of indication that everything was just a joke. All of his defenses broke and he didn’t even care if his tears started to fall.

Why'd you have to break what you loved so much?

“I hurt everyone I get close to. Charles, I’m just trying to protect you. Please–” 

“I don’t need your fucking protection! You! I need you!” he screamed in frustration.

And then he did something you didn’t expect.

He kneeled in front of you, holding your hands as he begged you not to leave him.

“Mon amour, just fight for us. Please, that’s only what I ask.”

“Oh, Charles… I really don’t deserve you.”

“Please, just stay with me… I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t leave me, mon amour, just s-stay, please.”

“Charles, p-please don’t cry, I-I can’t see you cry—stand up, please,” you cried.

It was on his face, the clear image of pain, and you were the one to blame. At that moment, you thought of every possible way this argument would end. You were already hurting him right now, what more would you do if you stayed? How much pain would you cause?

Charles stood up and cupped your cheeks with his hands. “Do you think it doesn’t hurt me?” he paused, turning your face so that your eyes were looking at his. “When they say all that shit about you? When they drag your name through the mud? When they feast over you on the internet? Do you think it doesn’t hurt me?” 

You didn’t know what to say.

“It hurts me too,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against yours as he closed his eyes. “But I can’t control what they say. If I could, I would’ve done it way too long ago.”

“Charles…”

“This is the way the world works, Y/N. You have to realize that people say what they want to say and people do what they want to do. Everything is done with a choice.” 

He finally opened his eyes, pulling away from you and wiping his tears. He stayed standing in front of you, but he now maintained a distance.

“Y/N…”

You couldn’t deny the pang of pain you felt when he called you by your name instead of the pet names he loved to call you.

“I can’t fight for a relationship when the other one’s already giving up,” he said. 

“You deserve someone way better than me,” you cried. “Look what I’m doing, I’m already hurting you right now. I would just hurt you even more in the future.”

Instead of him getting sad, his face showed a different emotion. It was blank, it was as if the emotions that blew up moments ago exhausted him.

“If you decide to stay or not, just know that I love you.”

ONE WEEK LATER.

You fucking hated yourself.

What the fuck did you just do?

Why didn’t you stay that night and why did you have to break what you loved so much?

You tried living without his presence for a week and it was horrible. You convinced yourself that you would eventually get used to a life without the warmth of his body next to yours or the sweet messages he would send every day. It was getting hard to reassure yourself that this was the way it was meant to be—you, away from him—when the only name your heart was calling was his.

You were miserable. You were breathing but you felt like you were already dead because your life had been taken away from you.

And you only have yourself to blame.

The truth was, you were weak. Each time you experience a block in the road, you immediately turn away. And you were ashamed of yourself for that. You were scared of losing Charles so you pushed him away. You left him before he could realize he needed to leave you.

You were regretting every single thing you did.

You regretted how you lived like an island, how you punished him with silence, how you went off like sirens, but above all, you regretted how you walked away.

Now you found yourself in front of his home, shaking as you slowly raised your hand to knock on the door. You hoped he was inside.

You knocked on the door hoping it was not too late. The door opened slowly after a few minutes, and after a week of no interaction, you finally saw him.

He was in the same state as you, maybe even worse. It was evident on his face that he spent most of his time crying. His eyes which were full of life before became lifeless, and he gave you the most lethargic look.

You wanted to hurt yourself because you knew you did that to him.

“Can I come inside, please?” you pleaded.

He stepped aside from the door and walked straight to the couch, not even sparing you a single glance. You followed him, sitting beside him as silence consumed the two of you.

“Hey,” you couldn’t help but cry as you looked at him. He had his head in his hands and you knew he was stopping himself from crying. “I’m sorry,” you said. “You don’t have to talk, I just want you to listen.”

When he didn’t move, you took that as a sign to continue. Honestly, you didn’t know where to start but you just let your heart guide you on what words you needed him to hear. 

“It’s all me, Charles. I’m sorry,” you stated. “It’s all me, in my head—I burned us down. I know I said a lot of stupid things but it’s not what I meant. And I—” you wiped a tear from your cheek. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” 

He stayed still, hands still covering his face. You wanted him to look at you, but you knew you were in no position to tell him what to do when you were the reason he was this way. And so, you just continued to speak, hoping that deep inside his heart, he would find it in himself to forgive you.

“At that moment, I felt like the walls were closing in on me and the world was spinning out of control. I let my emotions take over and lashed out in ways that were unreasonable and unfair. I see now that I projected my own fears onto you, and I regret it. I regret everything I said that day. I let my assumptions take control and I assumed the worst without giving you the benefit of the doubt. I realize now that I sabotaged something beautiful, something we had worked so hard to build together.

“I didn’t want to do this to you. I want you to know that I take full responsibility for my overreaction. I'm aware of the impact it had on you, and I understand that you are hurt and feeling distant. But please, Charles, give me a chance to make it right. Give me a chance to show you that I’m capable of growth and that I’m learning from my mistakes.

“I can't promise that I won't make mistakes in the future, but I can assure you that I will do everything in my power to communicate openly and honestly and I will seek to understand your perspective before jumping to conclusions.

“I don’t want to lose you, Charles. I know trust takes time to rebuild, and I’m willing to put in the effort. You’re right, you’re always right— our love is worth fighting for. Please forgive me for being too weak, for walking away instead of staying. I misplaced my hurt and anger and I hurt you. I love you, Charles, please, at least look at me?” you pleaded.

And he did. He finally looked up. His eyes were red from crying as he held your hands in his. “That’s all I ever wanted to hear from you. For you to say that you’re willing to fight for us. I needed you to realize that for us to work, we have to meet each other halfway.”

“I know, and again, I’m sorry,” you apologized.

“Thank you,” he cried, cupping your cheek with his hand.

“For what?” you asked him.

“For coming back.”

You smiled at each other, leaning in for a kiss when you both got distracted by the light that suddenly shined through his large window.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a golden hue across the sky, you both stood side by side at the window. The afterglow of the sun painted the room in warm tones, filling the space with a sense of something you haven’t felt for a long time… peace.

You leaned your head against his shoulder, your hand intertwined with his. You watched in awe as the last rays of sunlight danced across the clouds, creating breathtaking shades of colors. For a moment, you swore the sky was pink.

"It's like nature's painting," you whispered, voice filled with wonder.

Charles nodded in agreement, his gaze fixed on the ever-changing canvas before the two of you. "Yeah, it's beautiful," he replied softly.

The two of you simply stood there, lost in the beauty of the moment. Time seemed to stand still as you basked in the quiet serenity of the evening. As the sky darkened and the stars began to twinkle overhead, you both reluctantly tore your gazes away from the window. But the memory of the afterglow of the sun lingered in your hearts, a reminder of the beauty that surrounded you each day.

For the longest time, you let hate consume you. It was like this dark cloud hanging over your head. You were so focused on what they all had to say that you forgot to appreciate what was right in front of you.

But then, something shifted. Maybe it was a moment of clarity or a whisper of wisdom from somewhere deep within. Or maybe it was him, Charles, that made you realize that conforming to hate wasn't getting you anywhere. It wasn’t making you happy, it wasn't bringing you peace. All it was doing was tearing you apart, piece by piece.

And in that moment of realization, everything changed. You finally made a choice—a choice to let go of the hate and embrace love instead. You knew it wasn't going to be easy, and it wasn’t something that happens overnight, but you were determined to commit.

You were beginning to see the beauty in the world around you. The fact that it could be the laughter of real friends, the warmth of the sun on your skin, or the gentle touch of a loved one's hand—you realized that true love was everywhere, if only you were willing to open your eyes and see it.

So now, you were choosing love by choosing him. You chose to appreciate the little moments of joy, the simple pleasures of life. You chose to let go of anger and resentment, and instead, filled your heart with kindness and compassion.

You would soon forgive your family.

Because in the end, love is all that really mattered. It was what connected us, what bound us together as human beings. And when we embrace it, when we let it guide us, we would find out that life is so much sweeter, and so much more meaningful.

So here's to love—in all its forms, in all its beauty.

And here’s to Charles, your lover.

SLYTHERHEIGN TAGLIST: @writingstoraes @joshiiieeenesx @c-losur3

FORMULA ONE TAGLIST: @dreamingofautopia @lpab @matildrry @fangirl125reader @tall-tanned-tattoo @aundercover @stevesworld96 @princessria127

[fryday]

favourite taylor swift phancoded songs? I genuinely think her whole discography tbh

oooooohh anon, you're so right there are so many fitting songs. this is gonna be a long response.

daylight (one of my favourite TS songs)

"i've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night / and now i see daylight, i only see daylight" -> dan meeting phil at 18, "and for the first time since i was a tiny child, i actually felt safe."

"and i can still see it all (in my head) / back and forth from new york (sneaking in your bed)" -> replace new york with rawtenstall :')

and just some lines that kill me when i think of it in the context of dnp -> "and i can still see it all (in my mind) / all of you, all of me (intertwined) / i once believed love would be (black and white) / but it's golden"

paper rings

"went home and tried to stalk you on the internet / now i've read all of the books beside your bed" like HELLO? self-explanatory

"i like shiny things but i'd marry you with paper rings" very dan-coded, i love my expensive shit but if it's you none of that even matters

"i'm with you, even if it makes me blue" and "honey, without all the exes, fights and flaws / we wouldn't be standing here so tall" are so 2012-coded. the exes being us, lol.

also "kiss you once 'cause i know you had a long night / kiss you twice 'cause it's gonna be alright / three times 'cause you waited your whole life" like..... dnp supporting each other through every difficulty + see above re: dan becoming an adult and gaining phil 😭

mastermind

dan in 2009 (except for the fact that it was plainly painfully obvious, it was completely intentional)

"and the touch of a hand lit the fuse / of a chain reaction of countermoves / to assess the equation of you / checkmate, i couldn't lose" -> phlirting online, dan knowing phil's interests from following and watching him, etc

"nothing was gonna stop me / i laid the groundwork and then just like clockwork / the dominoes cascaded in a line" -> more of the above

also this makes me kinda sad but uhm "no one wanted to play with me as a little kid / so i've been scheming like a criminal ever since / to make them love me and make it seem effortless" :((((( not that anything about dan's advances were fake or inauthentic, but like, with his childhood experiences and stuff, yeah. him finding someone so perfect for him surely made him put in 10x the effort he would have done with anyone else

sweet nothing (another of my faves)

"they say the end is coming / everyone's up to something / i find myself running home to your sweet nothings" tell me those are not the most dan- and phan-coded lines ever??? we're all doomed, but i have you!!!

[theveryfires]

if i didn't know better | eddie munson x reader pt.1

an: based on marjorie by taylor swift, mainly focusing on ‘if i didn’t know better, id think you were singing to me now.’ I’ve had to split this up into two parts currently, but i might end up splitting it up further once the second part is fully written. I hope you guys enjoy this, it ended up being a lot longer than i expected but i just couldn’t stop writing :) 

warning: very sad lovelies, there is a buffy reference (don't know if that needs a warning but thought i'd acknowledge it.)

Wayne Munson stood awkwardly outside of the L/N’s household, his knuckles turning white as he gripped an overflowing cardboard box. Scrawling writing covered all sides reading ‘hands off’, the permanent marker now faded from Wayne tracing back over the letters, trying to cling onto his nephew in any way he could. But after five minutes passed by Wayne began to give up hope on anyone opening the door, until it finally began to slowly creak open and despite his best efforts, he couldn’t hold back the tears as she finally came into view. He remembered when Eddie first mentioned her in passing, he had been a year or two into middle school. His nephew had always been different, but now the other kids and their stuck up parents were really noticing, giving him shit for refusing to bend to their moulds. Wayne had been so proud of him for sticking to his guns, not changing for no one no matter what they did to him, he was even prouder when the two became friends. Despite knowing, even back then that they were destined for far more then just buddies. 

Y/N looked tired. Still in the same clothes from the day they went into the upside down. Her under eyes were almost purple in the daylight, the usual glow in her skin missing, replaced with dull tones making her look static. Her hair was tangled mess of curls, missing their usual pampering as they sat depressed about her shoulders. Everything about the young girl felt shrunken, destroyed after the past weeks events. Wayne tried to offer her smile, and Y/N half heartedly faked one back. Her usually bright hazel eyes now sunken in and devoid of their light.

 “How you doing kiddo?” Wayne’s voice was strained. He probably looked no better than Y/N, still stuck in the same clothes from when Dustin had told him as much as he could. That's how they both felt, stuck in that never ending moment. He was willing Y/N to give him some hope that things would get better, that there was someway out of the darkness, but she was as lost as him. Her cheeks were stained with week old tears, eyes welling up as she found it harder and harder to lie. Shaking her head, a wobbly smile on her face as she willed herself to be strong for Wayne, but there was nothing in her anymore. Within minutes the cardboard box Wayne had been carrying was on the floor as the young girl fell into his arms. The pair held one another, he tried his best to comfort her but his own anguish took a strong hold of him the minute he heard her sobbing. Y/N couldn’t stop it, couldn’t pull her self together as Eddie’s words were echoed by his uncle that had become part of her family ever since the day they met. “I’ve got you kid, I’ve got you.” 

Five or so minutes passed by, the two simply holding each other before Wayne pulled away, coughing awkwardly as he ruffled Y/N’s hair. His body froze at the action something so simple, muscle memory of a old habit he had shared with Eddie ever since he came to live with him. Every morning before school, even when it was buzzed, he would dishevel the young metalhead’s hair, secretly grinning at the annoyed gaze he would get in return. “I uhm…I brought you a few things kid. He uhm…well I’ve kept everything the way it was before…before uh, i just thought you…i thought he would of wanted you to have some of it.” Wayne picked the cardboard box back up, pushing it towards Y/N’s shaking arms, her wide eyes saying everything as she realised what was inside. Her lips quivered, eyes welling once more as she looked from the box to Wayne to back inside the box. There were no words she could find that would thank him enough. But just like his nephew, the older Munson seemed to already know what to say. “You don’t have to say anything sweetheart, you come and see me when you are doing better…he…Eddie wouldn’t want you to be like this kid, he was a big believer in…in living, even if it pissed everyone else off.” The old man laughed at the memory of his rebel of a nephew, tears still running down her face as she nodded up at him. 

Y/N had to lean against her door as she shut it, all the air in her leaving in a heavy sigh whilst she made a promise to herself to try and visit Wayne soon. The weight of the box felt like it were dragging her down, making her stumble up the stairs as she made her way back to the safety of her bedroom. Despite the bright sunshine outside, her room was shrouded in a low darkness. Up until now, Y/N couldn’t remember a sunny day never mind a whole summer without him by her side. Now she was faced with the prospect of living her whole life without him; and an ache had settled in her chest, in her heart, almost in her very bones as a result. Sometimes, if she focused on the feeling too much it forced her to the floor. During the very first few days she had spent hours in the shower, letting the icy water wash over her, praying to whatever god was listening that the feeling would let up. But as the days turned into weeks, she soon found that haunting ache didn’t go anywhere, and worst of all, she was getting used to it. Y/N shook her head, trying to shake the depressions hold slightly as she collapsed onto her bed. For a moment or two she simply stared at the box in front of her, part of her terrified of what was inside. It didn’t feel right to relive their lives back over without having him there, laughing, crying, holding her. Y/N felt incredibly selfish, breathing, living as he laid ten feet under. He…Eddie had always been the one that wanted to live. All she had ever wanted was to simply live by his side.

Gingerly Y/N opened up the box. Staring straight up at her were a couple battered VHS tapes, labeled in Eddie’s scrawling handwriting. She hiccuped, tears already welling in her eyes as she read each one. A gentle bittersweet smile on her face, surprised that Wayne had kept them and not taped them over with some baseball game like he had always threatened. Y/N didn’t have to watch the tapes to know what they contained, if she was honest she didn’t think she could handle them right now. Dim memories played in her mind, her and Eddie dressed as their very first DnD characters and running through the woods that surrounded the trailer park. He had the camera gripped in his hand, their well rehearsed script being shouted into the trees and serious looks on their faces. They had to be around ten when they started their little movie productions, forcing Wayne to play the troll or the evil wizard. Y/N almost always played the defiant princess, or a woodland mage with Eddie ready to save the day as her charming hero. The last tape contained Corroded Coffins first ever real gig at The Bronze. Wayne had entrusted Y/N to at least get the first song, but she had gotten carried away and filmed the entire thing and even included exclusive back stage footage of the soon to be famous rockstars. Somewhere on the tape, although at the time completely going over Y/Ns head, was a younger Eddie Munson singing every single song to her. His eyes practically love hearts as she sang along, wearing the band shirt he had made just for her. She had worn eyeliner, black lipstick and even ratted her hair. She had looked beautiful, and Eddie had trouble containing himself when she applied his eyeliner for him. Not that she ever noticed. 

Amongst the tapes she knew, Y/N found one entitled ‘greatest hits.’ For the hundredth time that day her chest felt like it was going to cave in. With shaky hands she pushed the tape into her TV, the static soon faded to reveal Eddies trailer. She gasped, hands flying to her face as she heard Wayne’s old radio blasting AC/DC’s hit song ‘Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.’ She watched, her face inches away from the screen as Wayne pushed open the door to reveal what all the racket was about. She couldn’t believe he had got it on film. 

They must of been halfway through their freshman year. Eddie had finally regained his mane of rock and roll curls and Y/N was desperately trying to tame hers. Whilst her best friend was making a name for himself, Y/N wanted nothing more than to go unnoticed. She wouldn’t leave his side, that was a given; but she did wish he would make things a little easier for the both of them sometimes. The pair had been trying to finish their maths homework so they could get to work with the latest DnD campaign, when the unmistakeable opening chords of the song played out over Eddie’s uncles shitty radio. His eyes had instantly lit up, a magic sort of light glittering over them that couldn’t of been cast down from the yellowing artificial light of the Munson trailer. Y/N could remember the heat that grew on her face, his own expression adding fuel to a fire that had been simmering between the two for a while now. Eddie was lost in his own world, an air guitar in hand and being played as if he were Angus Young himself. The newly required head of curls thrashing along to the guitar, his face melding into various expressions as he sang along to the radio, unfazed by the occasional break in his voice, totally uncaring as always. He had somehow managed to dance his way onto the kitchen table, the combat boots Y/N had found at the local thrift now staining their homework with muddy footprints (something they would both have to explain to their teacher the next morning.) By the time the song reached the first chorus, Eddie was holding his hand down towards her, eyebrows raised as he looked down expectantly whilst Y/N stared right back up at him. A feeling of deja vu had spiralled around the pair, Y/N could imagine the moment being mirrored years into the future, when Eddie was finally a rockstar and she was just another girl in the crowd. Anxiety, especially embarrassment was something that plagued her, and it was something Eddie was constantly trying to rid her of. He kneeled down, releasing the air guitar momentarily as he softened his gaze (that was reserved just for Y/N.) “You aren’t gonna deny AC/DC like this, are you princess?” He had leaned even closer, still sensing some hesitation. She remembered the smell of his breath, minty fresh in a failed attempt to hide the cigarettes he had started smoking. Y/N recalled the restraint she had to use to stop herself from leaning into his touch as he brushed her curtain bangs behind her ears, preventing her from hiding behind it like she so often did when she was embarrassed at school. “Come on, it’s just you and me, Y/N baby.” It felt like something changed in that moment, like she was suddenly presented with two ways of living, and Y/N knew all too well how miserable she would be if she went the wrong way. Without thinking she trusted Eddie, gripping his clammy hand in her own and allowed him to pull her up onto the table. 

Wayne had walked in on the pair, the trailer practically shaking with the sound of the radio, the two kids dancing viciously on top of his shitty old kitchen table. His nephew playing the air guitar (those lessons he had scraped together to get him were really paying off) and his ‘best friend’ playing invisible drums. Both their heads banging along with AC/DC’s ‘Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap’ if he hadn’t been so pissed he would of been proud. “What are you kids doing on my damn kitchen table!”

to be continued…. ;) 

[amazingmaeve]

red

loving him was red

summary:

george always wanted to open a joke shop with his brother. when they decide to get back at umbridge and leave school to pursue his dream he also leaves behind his girlfriend.

warnings - angst, a bit of fluff

word count - 2648

a/n - a writing challenge that @chokemepansy is doing! also got inspired by Taylor Swifts red! angst prompt 42 from her prompt list!

h.p masterlist // george weasley

George to Y/N was one of the most perfect people in her life. When she met him it changed her life for the best. He came in her life when she needed something good, when her whole life was horrible he was the only light in her life. But they also had a lot of arguments that had one or the other storming out saying hurtful things.

But they always found their way back to each other.

No matter what one or the other would apologize for the words they said and the other would smile and pull them in for a kiss. No matter what that’s how it always ended. It wasn’t the healthiest of relationships but when George was there for her it always made Y/N’s feel better and feel loved.

Even though she hated the fights she loved the time she spent with him. The times where they would just cuddle while Y/N read a book. George would just play with her hair and sometimes would just watch as her eyes glazed across the book with interest. Sometimes would bite her lip if she’s confused by something. Other times she helped him with his studies and it would help some of the times.

George and Y/N would also just sneak around the Hogwarts castle and make out in corners whilst skipping some of her classes. She normally didn’t do this but George convinced her to skip some of the classes. Luckily it usually didn’t hurt her grades since she studied a lot.

Y/N was also convinced to help Fred and George with their pranks but if the prank seemed too harsh she wouldn’t do that. Fred and Y/N were friends but not the closest friends in the world. They often only talked when George was around since nothing else tied them to each other. She didn’t hate him and he didn’t hate her.

They would also go to the Three Broomsticks for dates and would just sit and talk about each other’s day. Y/N would just get lost in George’s eyes and the way that they sparkled whenever he mentioned the pranks he and Fred did. It warmed her heart to see him so happy about something.

Towards the end of their relationship the arguments have weirdly started to die down and George and Y/N started talking through their problems.

Maybe this was because of Umbridge coming to Hogwarts that year the relationship has matured more and they started to act like adults coming into their 7th year. Though one big thing was hanging over their head.

The future.

Y/N wanted to be a curse breaker and George wanted to run a joke shop with Fred and Y/N was okay with that and would support him through everything. But the thing was that Voldemort was on the rise and his supporters were coming back. It scared a lot of people especially Y/N since she was muggle born and her family were muggles and could be hurt by this. She knew if she wanted to be a curse breaker she would have to be more brave.

She would often talk to George about this instead of keeping this stuff in. He would comfort her by letting her bury her head in his chest as he rested his chin on her head. He caressed her hair as she wrapped her arms around his waist and felt herself start to calm down a bit.

George was starting to be a comfort hotline for her.

Y/N also noticed that George has become more secretive throughout the year and she just cut it down to him and Fred planning and making pranks. She didn’t know it was a secret army that was created when Umbridge cut back on the defense against the dark arts.

It hurt her that George didn’t tell her about it or that she wasn’t even invited to become a part of this army. She wanted to be able to help. She felt useless and it sank to the bottom of her stomach that she wasn’t even trusted by her own boyfriend.

Before she could even argue with him, he grabbed her arm and pulled her to his room.

“George what the hell was that,” Y/N snapped crossing her arms across her chest. She was just talking to Luna and Neville in the common room when he dragged her to his room.

“I needed to talk to you,” George rushed out rubbing the back of his neck.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Dumbledore's army,” Y/N angrily questioned ignoring what he had said. George huffed, rolling his eyes, feeling frustrated.

“Y/N let me-,” George was about to talk but was interrupted by Y/N.

“No seriously was I not trusted by you or was it for you to get away from me?” Y/N asked, clenching her jaw as her fist curled at her side from the anger coursing through her veins.

“I think we should break up,” George blurted out making Y/N’s eyes widened. She didn’t want to break up with him over this. Yes she was angry at the moment but it didn’t mean she wanted to lose him.

“What-what,” Y/N stuttered her fist un curling from the shocking news she had just got.

“Me and Fred are going to be starting a joke shop next year,” George explained, not meeting her eyes.

“That’s it George I said I’d support you through that,” Y/N huffed and ran her fingers through her hair.

“I just don’t see you in my future,” George says quietly, his eyes traveling to his feet, not wanting to see her reaction to this. He promised himself he’d do this for her, so that she wouldn’t get hurt.

“I see,” Y/N whispers then biting her lip trying to not let the tears fall from her eyes. But her shoulders slumped when she heard the words tumble from his mouth. Sadness raked through her body and she could feel her feet start to wobble and her eyes start to glisten. “Well goodbye George,” She turned away and left the room not wanting to see his reaction to this.

Y/N decided to focus on her studies since she would be taking most of them tomorrow and needed to pass them to be a curse breaker. She needed to stop thinking about George so she could have at least a good career. She didn’t get much sleep that night.

But the next day as she finished her last N.E.W.T.S Y/N watched as Umbridge walked out of the room since she heard some noises outside of the classroom. It was a shock to everyone as George and Fred came riding in on their broomsticks with fireworks in their hands.

She didn’t get up from her seat like everyone else. She just sat down playing with her hands as the twins left the classroom creating a W in the sky.

After the school year was over Y/N was happy that she didn’t have to go back to the place that gave her so many memories with George. But when she applied to be a curse breaker she was luckily accepted but that meant she had to work for Bill Weasley.

Y/N met him a few times when she stayed over at the Weasleys house for Christmas. Bill of course recognized her and didn’t ask anything about her or George since he heard they broke up. She was thankful for that and found it easy to get along with the eldest Weasley. He was a good person to talk to.

For that whole year Y/N got used to the job only going on a few missions since she was the newbie. But things got weird when Voldemort killed Dumbledore by Snape.

She was invited to Bill and Fleurs wedding and she didn’t know if she should accept it or not since Y/N knew George would be there and it would be so awkward. But she did accept it eventually since Bill was such a good friend to her and she also heard about him getting attacked and wanted to make sure he was okay.

She didn’t take anyone as a date, she’s tried to date after school but it never worked out they always ended things before they got to serious.

Y/N managed to avoid George and even Fred that night but before it could end death eaters came to the wedding and attacked. She didn’t know what the hell was going on but she does know that Harry, Hermione, and Ron were going to go hunt for the Horcruxes.

She left Weasley's burrow with worry in the pit of her stomach. Fear filled her bones, fear for the trio and the Weasley’s. Y/N was even worried about her parents, who weren’t a part of the wizarding world which was worse since they couldn’t protect themselves. She went home that night, nervousness filling her blood as she entered her parents house.

Ever since she graduated from Hogwarts Y/N lives with her parents until she can get enough money to buy a place for herself.

Luckily her parents were okay and she went to sleep a little bit better. But still she worried for the Weasley’s and anyone who crossed Voldemort and his little posse. She just hoped everyone would be fine and wouldn’t end up dead.

The following year she kept in contact with Bill, even though she was staying with her parents to protect them.

Once Y/N heard about the battle she immediately signed up for it. She didn’t want anyone to get hurt. She wanted to help protect the people at the school so they could see the daylight the next morning. She didn’t care if she ran into George since this was a life or death situation.

The battle was a hard one. A lot of people died. Remus and Tonks being the ones closest to her. For a moment there Y/N and everyone around her even thought that Harry was dead and Voldemort as victorious. But luckily Harry wasn’t.

They won. But what did it come with. Casualties, families who wouldn’t see their children ever again. Even though they did win, Y/N felt like she failed them, she failed there families. After the war she even had nightmares about her friends and family dying and her not being able to save them.

She always woke up in a sweat.

The nights where Y/N couldn’t sleep she thought about George. What he was doing? Was he fine? Did he ever think about her? She usually shook those thoughts out of her head but ever since she broke up with him it felt like emptiness filled her life. But she masked that with a fake smile and burying herself in work and she was still doing this.

Y/N’s parents encouraged her to get her own place but reassured her that they weren’t trying to kick her out. She knew that but it felt like she was a burden on them so she just decided to move out and found a cottage in the forest. It wasn’t as scary as the forbidden forest since there were no monsters in this one.

The silence welcomed her with a warm hug. Y/N didn’t hate it; she liked being alone at the moment. She often spent her time watching shows late at night then waking up early to go to work with bags under her eyes.

One day Y/N went to go and get some ice cream in Diagon alley she saw a flash of red hair in the crowd and she immediately knew who it was.

George.

Y/N knew it could’ve been Fred but she knew George too well to know that was him. So she did what most people would’ve done. Ran behind an alley so he didn’t see her.

Before she could fully get behind the building he caught her eye and yelled out for her.

“Y/N is that you,” George asks looking between the buildings with a smile gracing his lips. She stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath before turning around with a fake smile appearing on her face.

“George it’s so nice to see you,” Y/N says while walking up to stand in front of him.

Before she could say anything else he wrapped his arms around her waists and hugged her. He buried his face in her neck while Y/N placed her arms around his neck and took in his familiar scent she loved oh so much. She missed it. She didn’t want to miss him but Y/N couldn’t help it.

“How’ve you been,” George asks kindly, finally breaking free from the hug.

“Oh I’ve been great,” Y/N lied straight through her teeth as she stared up at him. There was an awkward silence before George spoke.

“I wanted to ask a question,” George wrings his hands in front of his stomach.

“You already did,” Y/N responds with a smirk, a real one this time. “I’m kidding, go ahead,” She says after seeing the look on his face.

“I wanted to know if you want to meet up later so we could catch up,” George asks nervously as stands there with his eyes at his feet.

“Uh,” Y/N started to say and she didn’t even know what she was going to answer him with but deciding it would be good to catch up with some old friends she answered, “Yes.”

“Really,” George says shocked, he thought she’d say no since the last time they talked he dumped her.

“Yes I need to get out more anyways,” Y/N gives him a half smile before getting a pen and grabbing his hand. “This is my address, pick me up at….” She says looking up at him wanting to know when he wanted to go out.

“9 darling,” George answered and looked at the writing on his hand after she let it go. Y/N felt butterflies enter her stomach when he called her that. It’s been so long she’s been called that by someone she cares about.

When Y/N got home she immediately regretted agreeing to go on this date with George. She knew that seeing him again would bring back some old feelings that were being harbored.

She decided that when George got to the cottage Y/N would talk to him about all of her feelings.

“Hey,” Y/N greeted when George showed up at her front door with some flowers. She took them with a smile. “Come in,” She opened the door wider letting him come in.

“Nice place,” George complimented.

“Thanks,” Y/N felt nervous again when she thought about what she wanted to talk to him about. “I need to talk to you,” She rushed out as she stood in front of him.

“Knew this was gonna come,” George muttered as his smile dropped. “Before you say anything can I say something,” He asked with a pleading look on his face, Y/N nodded. “I wanted to say that breaking up with you was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and ever since I did it I’ve never been the same,” George takes a break before saying. “I'd take our relationship back in a heartbeat love.”

“I can’t do that George,” Y/N whispered as her eyes shined with tears. George’s head dropped once he heard her. “I want to, I want to take you back so much but I can’t,” Her lip quivered as a tear rolled off her cheek.

“Then why don’t you,” George whispered hope filling his eyes.

“I’m just destined to have no love.”

[heytherejulietx]

Haunted ~ Jughead Jones

Masterlists

Requests are OPEN

Notes - Hi so I’m seriously proud of this fic, and even though I feel like all of my Riverdale fics flop I’m super happy with this, so if you could reblog this and get it more reach that’s be amazing. (Also, on a note not related to this, I am working on the requests and I’m so sorry about the wait for them, but I was having trouble writing them so that’s why I wrote this fic. Sorry everyone they’re coming soon!)

Warnings - Pure angst and hurt. Be warned.

Word count - 5.6k.

Riverdale tag list - @idont-knowrn

If you’d like to be added to any tag list please just tell me!

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

~

Everything changed when Jughead moved to the South Side. Of course, she couldn't blame him for moving, she knew he had to. With his dad behind bars for a murder he didn't even commit and not being able to stay at the Andrews household any longer, he didn't have a choice in moving. Living in his dad's trailer was better than staying with a foster family whom he didn't know, though living on opposite sides of town and now attending different schools meant they saw less and less of each other. And to be completely honest, Y/N missed him so much. She missed having him stay over at her house before school since her house wasn't far from Archie's. She missed waking up with him in the mornings, being greeted with lazy kisses and warm hugs. She missed sitting with him in class, helping him in math and getting his help in English literature. She missed after school dates at Pop's; sharing each other's milkshakes and helping him write his novel.

But once he'd moved, the cracks in their relationship started to appear. At first it was just missed phone calls and being left on read, though soon it developed to frequent arguments, being stood up on dates for the Serpents, and just not seeing each other much anymore. It hurt her, because she missed her once perfect boyfriend, who was now so caught up with his new school and his imprisoned father's gang to give any sort of time or attention to her. Maybe it was selfish, but Y/N wanted him to focus on her, and not anybody else, even if just for one night. She could tell that their relationship was headed downhill, though she thought that it would be fixable. They had been through so much already, surely this wouldn't break them apart, right?

~

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's comin' over you like it's all a big mistake

~

Y/N frowned down at the Pop's menu sat on the table in front of her, scowling at the small printed words there. This was the third time he'd missed one of their dates, or just forgotten about it all together. She was guessing it was the latter, as Jughead had been too wrapped up in the Serpents and with Toni Topaz to think of anything else. She was certain that he was getting bored of her, or tired of her company. He was hanging around with a gang now, his people, so surely his plain old north-side girlfriend was getting tiresome? She took a glance out of the window beside her seat, seeing that the sky was darkening into evening - dark oranges and blues swirled together as the sun went down like an artist mixing paint on a canvas. When she'd gotten to Pop's it was still daylight, but he had taken so long to show that now it was getting dark.

Before she knew it, disappointed tears were brimming in her eyes, and a lump was forming in her throat. Why couldn't he just spare a few hours to go and see her? At first, she had given him the time he quite clearly needed, and the benefit of the doubt. He had just moved and he was adjusting, and she got that, but now it had been weeks and there was still no effort put in from his end. It wasn't like he was even a proper member of the Serpents, so she just didn't get it. 

After another few minutes she had paid for the one milkshake she had drank and the one that had been left sitting on the table untouched, that was meant for Jughead, and then left the diner. It was cold outside, the kind of cold that seeped through your clothes and gave you goosebumps. Though she already felt the cold disappointment that had been sticking with her for weeks, now. On the colder days before Jughead had moved, he would give her his denim jacket as they walked to Pop's after school, but just the thought of that now made her want to start crying. She couldn't remember the last time she had been wrapped in his jacket, or even his arms for that matter.

Before she knew what she was doing, Y/N had pulled her phone out and called him, anger washing over her and replacing the sadness she felt. He picked up after six rings. Usually it would only take one.

"Y/N?" He asked, no 'love' or 'baby'. "Can I call you back later? I'm with the Serpents."

"Couldn't you have spared one night from the Serpents to show up to our date?" She scoffed, lifting her free hand to wipe her eyes which were now streaming with tears. 

"What?" Jughead asked, sounding confused. "We didn't have a date today."

"Yes we did." Y/N sniffled, her lip quivering when realising he'd forgotten. "This is the third one you've missed for Christ's sake, Jug. I shouldn't trust anything you even say, anymore."

"I'm sorry I've been busy." He huffed, sounding more irritated than anything.

"Yeah, you're always busy now." She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat. "Too busy to come and see your girlfriend anymore."

"Y/N, come on-" 

Before he could say anymore she cut the call off, not ready to hear it. Once her phone was back in her pocket she covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying, her chest heaving with each choked sob that passed her lips. Soon it hurt, though nothing hurt as bad as the sadness consuming her from realising he didn't love her like he used to.

~

Holding my breath, won't lose you again

Something's made your eyes go cold

~

It was almost midnight when Y/N heard the rumble of a motorbike turning into her street corner, before she heard the noise cut off right outside her house. It wasn't unusual for Jughead to come and see her after a fight, though it was unusual for them to fight so often. The most they had ever argued before the move was when his father had first been arrested, but she understood that he was just so stressed with everything that he was lashing out at people. Though this was different.

Y/N hadn't moved from her bed since she had gotten home. She hadn't even changed out of her clothes, she had just gotten into her bed and cried. She was still crying by the time she heard her window being pushed open further and someone stepping into her room. Y/N had the covers over her head so she couldn't see him approaching, though she felt the bed dip when he sat down beside her, and felt his hand rubbing her back through the covers. She sat up just enough to turn and move her arms around him, pressing her face into his chest as she started crying again, holding onto him tightly.

"I'm sorry." She heard him whisper into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body, which only made her cry harder. Did he really mean that? She couldn't be sure.

"Do- do you still love me?" Y/N couldn't help but ask through the tears, needing to know. It felt like he didn't, or that he was loving her less and less every day.

"Of course I still love you." Jughead sighed, his hand lifting to gently run his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry I've been so distant lately, I've been busy sorting out stuff at South Side High and with the Serpents. I really didn't mean to forget about meeting up with you, okay?"

Y/N sniffled a little as she nodded, just holding onto him a little tighter. Whether she completely forgave him or not was a different question, though she was willing to give him another chance to prove that he really did mean what he said. 

"Hey." He said softly, moving his hand underneath her chin to tilt her head upwards. Her red-rimmed eyes locked with his and she watched his expression soften somewhat when he took in her features, though there was something about his eyes that made her stomach swirl with uneasiness. They were just so cold and unlike him. Maybe he didn't really mean what he had said.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

After that night, Jughead had promised to make it up to her and come and see her the following weekend at Pop's. And to be honest, she really needed it. Her week had gone absolutely horribly, with Betty suddenly becoming cold and distant towards her. Y/N couldn't fathom why Betty had become so cruel to her; she just knew that the last time herself and the Cooper girl had spoken, it had ended in a long string of insults from Betty then her walking off. So she could really do with her boyfriend's comfort, after her best friend clearly didn't want to be around her anymore.

Y/N sipped on her milkshake at Pop's as she waited for Jughead to show up, his drink sat untouched opposite her on the other side of the table. Once she had hit the ten minute mark she began to grow worried that he wasn't going to show, but thankfully she spotted him pulling into the parking lot of Pop's after she had heard the rumble of his motorcycle outside. A smile was painted over her lips as she waited for him to walk inside, though it quickly faded once she had caught sight of him.

His face was full of cuts and bruises, most of them looking extremely painful. At first she had been worried that he had been in a fight with somebody at his school, though her stomach sank when seeing the leather jacket he was wearing. The leather Serpents jacket.

He had clearly caught sight of her expression, as Jughead sighed as he slipped into the seat opposite her own. "Y/N, I meant to tell you-"

"That you'd joined the gang you told me you wouldn't?" She whispered, her eyebrows furrowed with disbelief. "Why would you do that? They're dangerous, Jug, they're a biker gang. Are you kidding me?"

"They aren't dangerous." He frowned. "They're like family."

"They're like family?" She scoffed. "Oh, and I'm not anymore?"

"Hey, I didn't say that." Jughead frowned a little more.

"Maybe you didn't say it, but you've been meaning it for weeks!" She practically exploded, sitting up in her seat as her waterline burned with the build up of tears again. "When was the last time we both properly hung out together, hm? Or ate dinner together? Or even spoke to each other without arguing?"

"I told you I've been busy, with-"

"With the Serpents, yeah I know." Y/N scoffed. "You never have time for me anymore, and that's all I'm asking for. I miss you, Jug. You could have at least told me that the reason you were too busy to spare a few hours for me is because you were joining a fucking gang."

"What is your issue with the Serpents?" He snapped defensively, making her flinch at the harshness of his voice.

"You said you wouldn't join them, you promised me, remember that?" She asked. "Oh, but maybe you don't, since you seem to be forgetting a lot recently." She huffed, lifting a hand to wipe away the tears that had started falling. "They are dangerous, Jughead, have you even looked in the mirror recently? If you had to do that to join then what else might you have to do now that you're involved?"

"Will you give it a rest?" Jughead snapped, causing her to flinch once more. "Like it or not, I'm a Serpent now, okay? And I'm sorry that since I have this thing called responsibilities now that I can't spend every minute of the day with you." 

"I didn't say that, Jug." She whispered, more tears falling. "I just miss you, we never see each other anymore and when we do it's... it's like you're a different person."

"Yeah? Well if I'm so different then why don't you just find yourself a new boyfriend, then. One that fits the criteria." Jughead scowled as he got out of his seat, shaking his head as he looked at her.

"Hey, wait." Y/N whispered, also getting out of her seat. "Don't go, Jug, I'm sorry." She whispered, reaching out to touch his arm.

Jughead was still frowning as he pulled away from her touch immediately, shaking his head as he just turned away and walked out of the diner, leaving her stood crying as she watched him leave.

~

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

~

Despite everything Jughead had said, they didn't break up. A few days later Jughead had stopped by her house to apologise, and for once it looked like he meant it. He had been close to tears himself as he ranted to her about everything, but mostly about how sorry he was and how he couldn't stand to lose her. By the end of the conversation she was crying too, and she had agreed to give him another chance. Maybe by this point she should have noticed just how many chances she had given him recently, and saved herself from any future hurt by breaking up with him, though she couldn't do it. She physically couldn't be without him, it pained her to even think about it.

Everything was good for a while. Betty had given her an explanation as to why she had been acting so funny, and definitely one she hadn't been expecting at that - as she had been getting phone calls from the Black Hood - the infamous serial killer who had taken up occupation in Riverdale over the past however many weeks. Whilst it was a complete and utter shock, she had immediately forgiven Betty, as she understood that she had become distant from Y/N so that the Black Hood wouldn't kill her. And things with Jughead had gotten better. Whilst he was still different to the soft and loving boy she had known before the move, he was clearly making an effort, and that mattered a lot to her.

Jughead had been especially better once his father was out of jail. It was a huge relief for everybody to have FP out, and whilst his return meant Jughead having to step up as Serpent King, Y/N was making an effort to try and understand the Serpents more, so she had been helping Jughead plan FP's retirement party in the Whyte Worm.

Though she had also been meeting up with Toni Topaz there, who was helping her learn the Serpent dance for her own initiation. 

Whilst she still wasn't too fond of the Serpents, she wanted to be there for Jughead to make sure he didn't end up getting hurt or imprisoned like his father, so she had agreed to do the extremely sexist 'Serpent dance' and partially join the gang to keep an eye on her boyfriend.

Even though she wanted to keep him safe, on the night of the party she felt horrible. On her way to the bar she felt nauseated at even just the thought of stripping into lingerie and dancing in front of a whole bar of gang members, but once she was there she felt even worse. The smell of alcohol once she had walked into the building was sickening, and it only made her worse. She was almost convinced enough to leave altogether, though once she saw her boyfriend approaching she knew there was no way of getting out of it now.

"Hey." He smiled once he had reached her, planting his hands at her waist as he leaned down to give her a kiss - thankfully the action helped calm her a little. "You look amazing."

The compliment made her blush a little, as she was only wearing a peach skirt and white blouse, though she couldn't help but wonder what he would be thinking later once she had revealed what she was dressed in underneath the good-girl outfit.

Soon the party was in full swing, and somehow she had managed to lose Jughead in the crowd, though she had managed to find Toni sat at the bar instead. Whilst she wasn't extremely fond of the Topaz girl, she was grateful that she had wanted to help her out with the dance.

"Hey north-sider." Toni greeted once she had sat at the bar, stood on the other side of it. "How're you feeling?"

"Like I'm about to throw up or pass out." Y/N told her, scanning the room for a moment before looking back at the pink-haired girl. "Give me something." She tapped the bar, hoping a drink would help. She didn't even drink - but Y/N was hoping that some alcohol would help calm her nerves.

"Are you sure?" Toni asked as she started pouring a liquor into a shot glass for her. "You don't exactly look like you can hold your drink."

"Please, I need some confidence right now, and if that means drinking to get some then so be it." She sighed.

"Alright then." Toni placed the glass on the bar in front of her, looking a little concerned.

Y/N lifted the glass and eyed the liquid for a moment before lifting it to her lips and knocking back the whole drink in one. It burned it's way down her throat and made her start to cough at the horrible feeling, though despite that she put the glass back on the bar and tapped it, signalling that she wanted another.

"Another?" Toni asked. "Are you sure? Maybe that's not the best idea."

"Please, Toni. I won't be able to do this completely sober." She sighed.

Toni just nodded and started to pour her another one, though as she did Y/N's attention was soon locked on the stage a little away from the bar, seeing Veronica and Archie stood there with the Karaoke machine that Y/N had managed to hire for the party earlier in the week. Tearing her gaze away she took the second shot pretty quickly. It still burned horribly on the way down, though she didn't start coughing again. By the time she had taken her third shot, Veronica and Archie had ran off of the stage mid-song, and Y/N had left the bar to quickly move onto the stage, once Toni had said that it was now or never.

Once she was up on the stage she had managed to meet Jughead's confused eyes in the sea of people, and somehow she didn't tear her gaze as she started singing the rest of the song as she unbuttoned her blouse. Y/N tried her best to look seductive and confident as she stripped herself of her clothes and started dancing, and the alcohol did help a lot with that. She was able to focus solely on the dancing as she moved over to the pole on the middle of the stage and spun around it twice, before lowering herself down onto the floor in front of it. The mass amount of people watching her didn't even phase her as she had moved back to the microphone to sing the last few notes of the song, though once she met Jughead's eyes again she felt her stomach sink with nausea. He had that same cold look in his eye again, the one that looked like he had lost all of his love for her.

After the dance was over Y/N had left with her clothes to change in the bathroom of the Wyrm, missing the speech that FP had started as afterwards she went to stand outside by Jughead's motorbike to cool off. It wasn't long before she spotted Jughead walking out of the back entrance of the bar to come and join her, his expression one she couldn't even read. She could just see that he was not happy, not at all.

"Hey," She said softly as he approached, though was met with no reply once he was stood in front of her. "What's wrong? Was it the dance?"

"It's everything." His voice broke as he shook his head. "And yeah. Why would you do that?"

"I wanted to be a part of this." She told him. "The Serpents, your world."

"Why?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he frowned at her. The expression made her uneasy, as it was one she was all too familiar with recently. "Archie knew to cut bait. Now I'm dragging you down. I'm dragging my dad down."

"He's still figuring it out." She told him softly, trying to muster up a genuine sympathetic smile. "And it's gonna be okay, we'll figure out whatever we have to do together." Y/N reached out to place her hands on his chest, though frowned when he had immediately stepped backwards.

"No, Y/N. Mm-Mm." He shook his head. "Not together."

The words struck her like he had just slapped her around the face. Her head tilted a little as a sudden coldness rushed over her body, nausea swirling around her stomach once again. Was he really about to break up with her?

"Y/N, if you stay, I don't know if I can protect you anymore. You might get-" Jughead paused as he ran a hand over his mouth, before planting both of them on her shoulders. "You probably will get hurt. I can't let that happen to you."

Y/N felt her waterline burning with a build up of tears as she stared back at him, starting to shake her head. "That's not your decision to make." She practically whispered.

"Actually, yeah it is." He stepped backwards as he spoke, the painful cold gaze returning to his eyes. 

"How many times, Jug?" Y/N asked as the tears started falling down her cheeks, her voice becoming wobbly with emotion. "How many times are we going to push each other away?" She gave a light push to his chest as she spoke, taking in a light breath as she tried to stop the tears. 

"Until it sticks." The harshness in his voice just made more tears fall as her expression crumpled. "This was my dad's one chance at going straight, and I wrecked it. I'm not going to destroy you, too." He moved to turn and walk away, though Y/N started following instead.

"Just tell me what happened, Jug." Her voice broke as she moved to grab his jacket and turn him around, tears cascading down her face faster as she reached up to cup his face in her hands. "Tell me."

"Please," His voice was weak, and she could see that he was holding back tears, too. "Go home."

Jughead stared at her for another moment before pulling away from her hold, and turning away to walk back into the bar. Y/N couldn't stop the oncoming wave of sobs as she watched him walk away and head back into the bar, her heart aching as she covered her face with her hands. She felt like somebody had just ripped out her chest. He wasn't her's anymore, and she wasn't his.

~

He will try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishin' he was you instead

~

The next day, Y/N had found out on the same night that Veronica had broken up with Archie too. She had been at Pop's trying to fight back a fresh wave of tears, when Archie had taken a seat beside her and started up a conversation with her. She eventually just broke into a fresh wave of tears as she tried explaining to Archie what had happened, and he had moved his arms around her to hug her, trying to comfort her in the best way he could. Though it felt wrong - his arms felt different to Jughead's, they were more muscular and harder. That fact alone just made her cry harder as she held onto Archie, as she wished it was Jughead sat with her instead. But she couldn't seem to let go of Archie - needing the reassuring contact even if it wasn't from the right person. So she just held onto him tightly as she cried, silently wishing it was Jughead instead.

~

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

~

Y/N returned to Pop's the day after, hoping to catch Archie there again. Though as she had walked though the doors of the diner, instead of seeing her red-haired friend, she saw Toni sat at the table beside her usual one instead. She frowned as she looked at her, knowing she probably knew about what her gone down between herself and Jughead at FP’s retirement party. She had tried to walk part Toni without being noticed, though just sighed when she heard her call her name.

“Y/N?” She asked, causing the girl to force a smile as she turned to face her. “Listen, I’m sorry about what happened between you and Jug at the party.”

“It’s fine.” Y/N shook her head. It wasn’t fine, far from it, but she wasn’t about to stand and talk to Toni Topaz about her feelings, of all people. “It’s probably been a long-time coming.” She sighed.

“Listen, I-“

“Y/N?” Another voice came from behind her, an all too familiar voice, causing Y/N to frown as she turned around and saw Jughead stood there. She hadn’t seen him since the night he’d broken up with her, and hadn’t planned on seeing him for a long while, knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Though instead of tears of sadness filling her eyes like she thought would happen, angry tears filled them together as she put two and two together. She glanced between him and Toni, and just shook her head as the tears started falling. He was meeting up with her, not even three days after they had broken up.

“Nice.” She whispered. “Rub salt in the wound, why don’t you?”

“What?” Jughead asked, before his eyes widened as he looked at Toni before back at her. “Y/N-“

“I don’t want to hear it, Jughead.” Y/N shook her head as the tears fell faster, quickly stepping past him and towards the exit of the diner to head outside. Her vision quickly became blurred with tears as she walked, breathing becoming a difficult task as she pushed back any verbal cries trying to escape.

“Y/N wait!” Jughead called after her. “It’s not what you think, please.”

Y/N turned around to face him as she started full-on crying, despite trying not to. “No, Jughead, I don’t care!” She shouted through her tears, her whole body starting to shake. “Just leave me alone, okay? I can’t be around you right now.”

Whilst Jughead stumbled over his words trying to say something, Y/N just turned around and walked away as she started sobbing freely.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

By the time Y/N had gotten home, she was a mess. Her chest hurt with each rough cry that passed her lips but she couldn’t stop. Weeks of emotional torture she’d endured, watching Jughead fall out of love with her, and just as things had started to seem okay he’d broken up with her. He had said it was to protect her, because he couldn’t let her get hurt, but was that really the reason? Or was he really just not in love with her? And wanted to be with Toni instead?

Once she had managed to get to her room she just slammed the door and fell to her floor, her hands covering her face as she hunched over. Everywhere hurt; her chest, her throat, her eyes, her heart. She felt like screaming, screaming for hours until her throat was raw and she couldn’t make anymore noise. Though she couldn’t physically stop the sobs long enough to even try to scream.

Her hands were shaking once she’d moved them from her face to plant them on her bedroom floor to stable herself, the shakes travelling up her arms and through her body until her entire frame was quivering with the agonising pain she felt. The tears couldn’t seem to stop, either. It felt like she had been crying ever since the break up, and for the most part she had.

“You’re not gone.“ She sobbed, hitting the floor with her palms before hunching over again as she continued crying. “You can’t be gone!“ The words mixed in with her crying to the point where she sounded like a wounded animal, begging for death. And in a way, she felt like it. Y/N didn’t think she could survive without Jughead by her side.

~

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Never ever thought I'd see it break

Never thought I'd see it

~

Another week passed before she saw Jughead again. The first time she had seen him after the break up it had been an accident, though this time he had asked to meet up with her, and for some reason said yes. Y/N tried telling herself that she had agreed to go simply because she was curious about what he had to say, though the real reason was because she was hoping he wanted to meet up with her to get back together.

For once, Jughead was there before her, though the scene looked so odd. For a start, he wasn’t even wearing his signature beanie - just the Serpent jacket that looked so foreign to her. And there was nothing on the table. Usually when they met up, whoever got there first would get each other’s favourite milkshakes. Though the only thing there was an untouched Pop’s menu.

“Hey.” Jughead said softly once she had sat in the seat opposite him, not beside him as usual. “I’m glad you came. I wouldn’t have put it past you if you didn’t.”

“What did you want to talk about?” She asked, just wanting to get it over and done with. Whilst she wasn’t crying herself to sleep every night anymore or tearing up at the mention of his name, she still didn’t trust herself to be with him for too long, in fear of setting off her uncontrollable flow of emotions.

“I just...” Jughead sighed. “I wanted to say I was sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you about it. I probably could have done it all in a nicer way to make it easier for the both of us. And, I just wanted to say that I wasn’t meeting up with Toni last week in the way that you thought. Really, Y/N, she just wanted to make sure I was okay.”

Y/N scoffed quietly as she shook her head, a sad smile making it’s way to her face. “And I was thinking you wanted to get back together.” She whispered, though he heard her.

Seeing his eyebrows furrow and the shake of his head was enough to make her eyes brim with tears again as a lump formed in her throat.

“Y/N, I can’t do that.” He whispered, reaching across the table to take her hands in his. “You’re in too much danger with me, I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“I can handle it, Jug.” She tried telling him, though her throat was clogged up with tears and it made talking an extremely difficult task. “I can handle it, please can we just try.” Tears starter falling as her voice broke, her hands tearing from his as they flew to cover her face. After a moment she felt the seat dip beside her as he sat down, his arms winding around her and pulling her into him as she started crying.

“Please don’t leave me.” She started crying, the sound of her heart breaking almost louder than her cries. Almost. “Please, Jug, this can’t be over, I never thought I’d see this break, please.”

Jughead was stiff as he rubbed her arm gently, letting his lips linger on her forehead as a way of trying to comfort her. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his own voice thick. “I have to. Y/N.”

At that she just started crying harder as she held onto him, trying to soak up his hold, his touch, everything, as she knew once he left she wouldn’t ever get it again. She turned to be completely pressed into him as she sobbed into the cold uncomfortable leather of his jacket, trying to hold onto him for as long as possible. Though she knew everything was over, and she couldn’t even take the thought. She couldn’t stand to live without Jughead in her life, she just didn’t want to.

She was haunted.

[noweakergirl]

Jily as Taylor Swift songs

Paper Rings

“Cat and mouse for a month or two or three Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe”

“I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this”

“Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws We wouldn't be standing here so tall“

Yep. Gotta start with my Jily anthem.

Cruel Summer

“Fever dream high in the quiet of the night You know that I caught it”

“I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes”

“And I screamed for whatever it's worth "I love you," ain't that the worst thing you ever heard? He looks up grinning like a devil”

You just KNOW this is Lily trying to fight off her feelings and being like “no no no there is no way this is happening” *face slap* but ohhh girl it IS happening

Gorgeous

“You should take it as a compliment That I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk You should think about the consequence Of your magnetic field being a little too strong”

“And I'm so furious At you for making me feel this way”

“You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad”

Continuing in cruel-summer style. Just Lily debating with herself at 3 a.m.

gold rush

“Eyes like sinking ships On waters so inviting I almost jump in”

“I don't like a gold rush I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch Everybody wants you Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you”

“At dinner parties I call you out on your contrarian shit”

“Everybody wants you But I don't like a gold rush”

OR, that’s what she said

Sparks Fly

“The way you move is like a full on rainstorm And I'm a house of cards You're the kind of reckless that should send me running But I kinda know that I won't get far”

“And you stood there in front of me just Close enough to touch Close enough to hope you couldn't see What I was thinking of”

“I run my fingers through your hair And watch the lights go wild”

“I see sparks fly whenever you smile”

*sniffs* my baby is in love (and lowkey finally moving out from first stage denial)

Fearless

“I wonder if you know I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now But you're just so cool Run your hands through your hair Absent mindedly makin' me want you”

“You take my hand and drag me head first fearless And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm In my best dress Fearless”

Is now every hair-touching song about James? Well obviously, I don’t make the rules.

Treacherous

“And I'd be smart to walk away But you're quicksand”

“Your name has echoed through my mind And I just think you should know That nothing safe is worth the drive And I would follow you, follow you home”

“This hope is treacherous This daydream is dangerous This hope is treacherous”

It’s just, everytime I hear this song I think of the first love in general. How scary, how hopeful, how dreamy and strong it is. How vulnerable. But it is still a risk willing to take.

willow

“And if it was an open-shut case I never would've known from that look on your face”

“Wherever you stray I follow I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans That's my man”

“Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in As if you were a mythical thing Like you were a trophy or a champion ring”

“Now this is an open-shut case Guess I should've known from the look on your face Every bait and switch was a work of art”

I once made a post about willow being Jily song so I won’t talk much about it here, but I mean COME ON

Daylight

“Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now It's brighter now”

“I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you”

“You gotta step into the daylight and let it go”

This reminds me so much of Jily becoming friends, “throwing their daggers” and “letting it go” because they don’t want to fight anymore and they see each other for who they are. First friends, then lovers.

You are in love

“Light-hearted joke No proof, not much But you saw enough”

“And your shoulders brush No proof, one touch But you felt enough”

“One night he wakes Strange look on his face Pauses, then says You're my best friend And you knew what it was He is in love”

*inhales* I love them a normal amount

It’s Nice To Have a Friend

“Church bells ring, carry me home Rice on the ground looks like snow Call my bluff, call you "babe" Have my back, everyday Feels like home, stay in bed The whole weekend

It's nice to have a friend”

There’s something soft and calming about this song. And yes, it’s Jily.

Lover

“And this is our place, we make the rules And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?”

“Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever?”

“We could let our friends crash in the living room”

“I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover”

Lover is just classic. This is now already married Jily living in their cozy little home (with small hint of upcoming darkness in the second quote but we don’t talk about that)

peace

“I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling”

“All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?”

“And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother”

“But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me”

“Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?”

Ending this post with my favorite song on folklore and one of my ultimate Jily songs. Everything about this is James and Lily Potter. “Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” They were soulmates, their love saved the world (quite literally, if I may add). But being part of a wizarding war and hunted down by one of the most powerful wizards of all times don’t make things easy. Even in those challening times when they realized that they could never give each other peace because of the prophecy, it didn’t matter. For he was James, and she was Lily, and their love was brighter than anything.

[ayo-cowbelly]

The Things We Do For Love ~ Part Two

previous part ~ next part ~ masterlist

FIRST OF ALL: I’d recommend listening to music during this one. Here are my choices, but it’s not required (don’t have to listen to all of them):

my tears ricochet by Taylor Swift. Found here.

Ghost of You by 5SOS. here is the link.

Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) by Nancy Sinatra. Can be found here.

Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi, found here.

All songs available on iTunes and I think Spotify as well.

Oh, by the way: completely made up the story of Aayla getting her kyber crystal. There wasn’t a canonical one i could find in a quick google search (yes, i know, didn’t put in much effort searching for it, sue me) so i decided to make up my own for the plot™. 

I cried writing this, people. There are tears falling. Not joking. This cuts DEEP. I promised angst™ and I am following through *cackles in palpatine*. this is meant to hurt, and oh boy, it definitely hurts.

So… have fun lovelies.

***

Cody was very, very grateful his Jedi survived. 

Most, like Bly, were not so lucky. 

***

Bly had mixed feelings about Felucia. 

First of all, it was hot. And humid. And smelly (even with his helmet on). That combination, plus having to fight all day on top of that, did not put Felucia on the list of Bly’s preferred planets. 

Though… there was a slight upside. 

He liked to look at the plants. They were bizarre, sure, but the colors. Bly always had an appreciation for color. Growing up on Kamino, where everything was sterile and white and cold... the first time Bly left that planet and saw Coruscant, he was astounded at how bright and warm different shades could be. 

And then he saw Aayla, and she gave a whole new meaning to the color blue. 

Aayla was warm, but professional; spirited, but calm. And positively beautiful. 

He had practically fallen head over heels the first time they talked (even though he had no idea what to call this sudden, powerful feeling in him). His brothers, of course, took it upon themselves to tease him mercilessly; but what they didn’t know was a tidbit of information that always took Bly by surprise, no matter how many times he heard it. 

She felt the same way. 

***

It started about 3 months after the crash on Maridun, when even though nothing had happened yet, it was apparently painfully obvious there was something there. Rex had noticed, at least, and decided to tell Bly’s batchmates when they saw each other at 79’s.

Bly just couldn’t catch a break. 

But then, when their battalion had been stationed on Ilum (due to rumors of the droids targeting the caves where Jedi got their kyber crystals) and him and Aayla had stayed up late, sitting on either side of a small fire, and Aayla told the tale of how she got her crystal. 

“It’s called The Gathering. We are told it is when we truly begin our paths as Jedi. I was freezing, and nervous that somehow I’d mess it up. Ironic, considering what the lesson is about; getting over our personal fears. I was worried that I wouldn’t make it in time- we are given only a few hours, and when daylight ends, the door to the crystal cave freezes over again. If someone was trapped inside, they’d be stuck in there for 19 days, until the sun rises again. 

“Along with Master Yoda, six of us were sent off to this very planet, and there is no place more sacred to our Order. This is where we locate the heart of our lightsabers.” 

“How do you get the crystal, exactly?” Bly had asked, genuinely interested. 

Aayla smiled fondly, reminiscing. “Some might say our crystals are sentient, in a way. They call out to us in the caves. Only we know which one is ours. There is a powerful convergence in the Force there, causing it to be intensified. It exploits the insecurities of a person, exposing our weaknesses. If we successfully overcome these shortcomings, then we obtain our crystal.”

“What happens if you don’t pass the test?” 

“It is said that fear, self-doubt, they consume you. This can prevent someone from finding their crystal.” 

“That sounds like a very… taxing experience, to say the least, General.” Bly looked at her then, and saw her laugh slightly, and his heart stuttered. That unknown feeling rose up in him again, until he tamped it down. 

“It is, but a good one all the same.” 

He smiled at her. “So, how did your test go?” 

“Like I said, I was nervous-”

“Since when are you nervous about anything, General?”

“Call me Aayla, please, Bly, it’s just the two of us,” the way she smiled at him then… it made his heart swim. “And I tell you, I was terrified. I hoped it’d be easy, and figured if I just ran ahead I’d find it soon enough. And of course, that didn’t happen.” 

Aayla jogged through the labyrinth, careful not to slip. The icy atmosphere of the cave overtook her, and she felt like she would freeze. At least running kept her somewhat warm. 

She had ended up on her own a while ago, wanting to take control of this experience and just get the crystal on her own. Aayla wanted it to be over. It was too cold, and she didn’t want to fail and be trapped. Get in, get the crystal, get out, she told herself. 

Her instincts told her to make a right turn, and she came upon a small gap in the ice at the end, just big enough for her to get through. She debated whether or not she should enter, but the Force seemed to sing around her when she neared it.

She squeezed through the opening, and on the other side, there was a small clearing. In the middle, a mound of ice rose from the floor, about up to her hips. Something glowed at the top, and the Force got louder, more insistent. It must be her crystal. 

When she went to grab it, the crystal remained stuck within the ice. As she pulled, it stayed firmly in place.

When she tried to pull on the crystal with the Force, it only seemed to sink deeper into the ice, somehow. How was she to get the crystal if it wouldn’t move when she wanted it to? 

What if it doesn’t come out? Aayla asked herself. She had been in the crystal cave for a good amount of time, and she didn’t have forever. Her time would be up soon. 

Rolling on her heels, she looked back at the gap that would lead her back to the main part of the maze. She grew more and more upset, her stomach churning. The stupid ice wouldn’t budge! The door would be closed soon, and she’d be trapped, and she’d fail-

No. Aayla had to trust in the Force. There must be a way to obtain the crystal, of this she was positive. She just had to figure out how. She’d have to calm herself to think clearly. 

Easier said than done. 

Taking deep breaths, Aayla reached out into the Force. If a part of her doubted this being her kyber crystal before, it didn’t now. The Force felt like it was smiling around her, somehow. Despite the cold of the cave, she felt warm. A thin thread existed between her and the crystal, and the Force trilled in her ear when she felt it. 

She closed her eyes. The Force would guide her. 

The warm feeling seemed to grow, washing through her and swirling around her in the air. Aayla’s lips turned up slightly, and she felt the brightness of the Force around her. 

There was a vague cracking sound, and she heard whistling fill the room. Slowly opening her eyes, Aayla was blown away at the sight in front of her. 

She watched, transfixed, as the crystal glowed brighter and brighter. The ice had broken, the pieces floating in the air. The kyber crystal levitated, an alluring blue shade. 

Aayla approached and grabbed the crystal, smiling giddily. She had done it. 

She squeezed back through the gap and walked calmly (well, more like speed walked, but she did it calmly) and exited the cave. 

“That was the first time I realized that sometimes you have to give up control to think clearly. Stressing will not achieve anything. Trusting in others, in the Force, having faith that they will guide you; that is how we can move forward.” 

“So, the Force guides you? It tells you things you need to know?” 

“In a way. It’s like… a feeling. Not something tangible, really, but a sort of presence that leads you where you need to go. It’s hard to get a clear answer, most of the time.” 

Bly wondered... “Can it do the same for people?”

“Yes, sometimes,” She looked up at him, with something in her eyes that he couldn’t place, but took his breath away all the same. 

“And… what does it say about me?” He asked, quietly, not wanting to ruin this moment. 

“Like I said, it’s hard to get a clear answer from the Force,” Aayla moved to sit by him, a soft expression on her face. She looked into his eyes, closer to him than she had ever been… if she moved a fraction, then… 

“But with you, it’s never felt more right.” She placed her lips on his, and the feeling in his chest finally had a name. 

Love. 

***

They trekked through Felucia, Aayla in front, as always. She was used to it, now, after three years in this war. 

At first, it had been stressful, which was to be expected. She didn’t know how to lead a whole battalion, how to fight a war, how to deal with the trauma said war brought. However, she always had Bly. 

Aayla loved him fiercely, and made sure to tell him whenever she could. He was brave, and dedicated, and strong, and she was eternally thankful for him. For the joy he brought her. 

And soon, in a few months, there’d be one more person they’d care for just as much. She had known for about a month. And Bly, knowing her so well after all this time, had suspected something was up. When she told him, she had never seen someone smile so wide. The pure happiness he projected into the Force was something she had only ever felt with him. 

Thankfully, she wasn’t showing yet, meaning she still had time to figure out a long term plan. Of course, there had been some rumors that the war would be over soon, which hopefully were true. Aayla and Bly had decided that they’d leave together, go somewhere peaceful, where they could simply live. Just her, him, and their child. 

Aayla paused, sensing something… off filling the Force. Suddenly, she couldn’t sense her Commander, his presence different, like everything that made him Bly was gone. 

“Do you think it’s droids, Bly?” She asked tentatively, knowing that wasn’t the answer, but it was the only thing she could think of. 

“No.” 

The voice that answered her was not Bly. It was not the voice of the man she loved, of her riduur. It was a stranger, both in person and in the Force. 

Aayla glanced around, seeing her troopers circling her. Confusion, uncertainty, fear... (something she had never felt around her men- something she never should have known around them, around him) they raced through her. She looked to Bly, as she always did, and back to the men… 

And then pain, hurt, betrayal, both hers and the Force’s, they consumed her. Her last thoughts were of Bly, of their child. 

Aayla knew she would die, as her troopers shot her continuously. She apologized to her unborn baby, who, in another life, she would have given all her love to. 

As she already did for him. 

***

When Bly came to (not came to, as that would imply he was unconscious, and he most definitely was not) he was met with his worst nightmare. 

Aayla’s body, limp on the ground, her back covered in blaster wounds. The vibrant blue skin was barely visible, covered in smoking, gray holes- 

He had put them there. 

No. 

He- he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. Never. 

But he already had. He had seen it. Watched it. 

It was like Bly was trapped in a cell, unable to escape. CC-5052 had taken over his body, casting him aside. He heard her voice, but he couldn’t make out what she said. Though it was laced with… fear. That much he could understand.

Run, Aayla, Please, he shouted, though nothing came out. Run, and don’t look back. But she didn’t run.

The only sound that escaped him was a voice that wasn’t his own, saying just one word, the last word she’d ever hear from him- 

He watched from inside his mind as he (but not him, he would never, please, please no, AAYLA-) raised his weapon and fired. 

In his head, he pounded on the cell and screamed.

*** 

Bly watched from the side as two troopers covered Aayla’s body with a blanket. None of them could stand to look at her, at what they’d done, but they couldn’t leave her. She’d never leave them if their roles were flipped. 

Except they weren’t flipped. She would never kill them, let alone hurt them, and she had trusted them not to- 

Dark thoughts filled his head. But he didn’t have the strength to push them away. They were true, after all. 

He killed her. And their child. The two things he loved most in this galaxy were destroyed by his own hands. 

And any future he had dreamt of went with them. 

*** 

The 327th stayed on Felucia for that night and the next, trying to figure out what they were to do. The holonet said the war was over, that the Separatists were no more, that the Republic was an Empire now… and the Jedi were traitors. 

But they weren’t. They were protectors. They protected the Republic, protected their troops- who had been the ones to shoot them down-

The men were also trying to give Bly some space before bringing up any future plans. They had all known that something was going on between him and the General. It was they way they looked at each other; even the newest shiny could see the thinly veiled love in their eyes. Nobody ever mentioned it, out of respect, but they knew- 

And if anyone didn’t, they figured it out at seeing his reaction to her body.

Bly collapsed on his knees next to her, ripping his helmet off, mumbling incoherently. All the other men could hear clearly was her name, over and over. 

He pulled her close, turning her over, running his hands over her face and body, tears spilling down his face as he held his riduur. 

“Aayla- no- please-” His voice cracked, his body shuddering. 

The others walked over, some putting their hands on his shoulders, some kneeling close by, others bowing their heads as their Commander- no, their brother- shattered.

Nu kyr'adyc, shi taab'echaaj'la.

Not gone, merely marching far away.  

***

I’m sorry. 

Also, this story will actually have five parts. So… stay tuned! If you want to be added to the taglist, let me know.

Taglist:

@likeshootingstarsinthenightsky (you are amazing!! your comments give me life)

@cacodaemonia (again, tumblr won’t let me tag you, I don’t know why but your blog won’t show up when i try to tag, very sorry)

[twelverose]

i once believed love would be black and white, but it’s golden.

One year together measured in the memories lit by golden haze.

Rating: Teen (Implied sexual content)

Paring: Tentoo/Rose Tyler

WC: 6k

Tw: panic/anxiety attacks & drinking/smoking

A/N: a light plot. more of a character study than anything. but like, it was fun to write so. (angst & fluff)

Song: Daylight by Taylor Swift

Read on Ao3

Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now It's brighter now, now

__________________________________________________

“He needs you. That’s very me.” echoed through her mind as she watched him sleep.

They were driving back to the zeppelin. Pete driving with her mum in the front seat. They were trying to give them as much privacy as possible. Not that it mattered. The moment they made it to the main roadway, he fell asleep.

He fell asleep holding her hand. Like he was holding onto his promise.

When Jackie realized he was asleep, she went on about Tony. Which morphed into why Pete needed to finish some project that had been sitting in the garden for a month now. Rose pointed out why it had been abandoned. Her mum gave her no mind. Explaining you need to finish what you start. Rose scoffed. Quiet enough to avoid a scolding from her mother.

It took about an hour to get there.

Once they woke up the Doctor- which took a lot more effort than it used to- and made it onto the airship, Rose found herself exhausted. The last 72 hours catching up to her.

72 hours of fixing timelines and finding her universe and saving all of them. An emotional roller-coaster stuffed in for good fun. She wasn’t sure how she felt right now. Everything was foggy- including her vision.

She made her way to her usual seat. The Doctor not trailing far behind. They were pressed together in the seat. Not that they had to be, but it was a subconscious thing. Something they did before everything could give her butterflies all over again.

They listened to Pete’s call to Torchwood. Well, he did more than Rose. The drone of his voice forced her eyes shut. She started to drift off, resting her head on the Doctor’s shoulder.

She was half asleep when he asked, “It’s gonna be us?” in a low voice.

She reached for his new, new, new, hand, “Yeah.”

&&

They were lucky. Lucky to have each other. Rose reminded herself that everyday. But falling into things- things they never did before- was beginning to look more difficult than they thought.

Days full of new aliens and old tropes. Meetings that sounded exciting in theory but when given context, Rose couldn’t process correctly. The Doctor trying to fit into the routine of work and home. Old jealous feelings and new conflicting ones falling out of each other’s mouths. Learning to communicate truthfully.

But they made it work. Just like they always have and always will. Although time decided it would move slow.

It was a hell of a day repairing a fleet of fly-sized spaceships and giving the captains directions to Bangladesh. That’s what the Doctor did. Rose was granted the honour of detailing her most recent experience with the “Original Doctor” and how they saved universes.

There was a heavy dread in the back of her mind. Thinking of all the versions of the people she knew that she failed to save. She never got used to detailing what happened when she jumped. But the dread had become something new now. It was thinking of the day they drag the Doctor into an interview room and drill him on how he’s different. She already was holding a grudge against the stoic people she knew would question him.

She didn’t like them in the first place.

Rose came home late. Annoyed and brain dead by the ten hours of redundant questions. Why had they waited two weeks to ask? She didn’t know. But the thought only annoyed her a little bit more. The Doctor was lying on the couch, watching some documentary. Probably about the universe. She couldn’t really focus on anything either way.

“Rose!” His head popped up when the front door closed. Hair adorably mussed and a bright smile on his face.

She gave him a small smile, “Hey.”

He looked like he was about to ask her questions about her day. But bit his tongue when she gave him a pointed look, “Tired?”

She nodded and fell onto the couch next to him. She didn’t want to explain. She could probably ask Pete for the tapes or documents if he was so desperate for an explanation. But he looked at her with those puppy dog eyes and she caved. Giving him a brief explanation of what she had to say and why it was stupid. It wasn’t much but it was what she had to offer.

“I was stuck on Earth working for U.N.I.T. for five years. Reminded me that I wasn’t a desk jockey or meant to live a linear timeline.” He said matter-of-factly.

Rose snorted, “You��re stuck with both for the time being.”

“Not so bad when I’ve got you.”

The words echoed memories she still considered precious. They happened more often now. Soft moments laced in a golden haze replaying in her mind. They changed her moods completely.

This time, she couldn’t help but lean up and kiss him. Something they were trying to find the natural for. He still let himself go lovesick. Like now, as Rose pulled back with a tongue in tooth grin at his small sound.

He wasn’t entirely ruffled. But definitely dopey eyed when he mumbled, “I love it when you grin like that.”

She hopped up to grab her phone, much to his dismay. And people thought they were attached before.

“Rose, wh-”

“I need to call mum. And order a pizza. You can look for a movie in the meantime.”

“That’ll be at least an hour! What am I supposed to do after I find the movie?”

Rose raised her eyebrows, “Last time it took you almost two hours because ‘Films aren’t the same here!’”

The Doctor opened his mouth to defend himself but couldn’t quite find a good defense. She was happy that he didn’t. Because she was right. he found a movie right before the pizza showed up. It was some sci-fi fantasy that didn’t really interest Rose but she doubted she’d stay up until he found another one.

For a man who was so used to letting things happen, he was picky over the media he consumed.

It was a pretty movie, she would give it that. The colors and framing were nice. But nothing else really appealed to her. After eating and curling into his side, she found herself drifting to sleep. Only opening her eyes when the light was bright enough to wake her up. Or when the Doctor moved because his arm was falling asleep or the dialogue pulled him into the story.

Part of her wished she wasn’t so tired. She loved watching him react to new things. Now they lived in a universe of brand new. It normally included having to hear him complain that she should at least try and enjoy the story. He didn’t protest too much. Just enough to remind her that you could find good in every story. So in return, she’d read a book.

Reading gave her a better advantage of watching him. His eyebrows and lips would twitch, as if he was replying. Or maybe criticizing the character’s choices. His fingers would twiddle and feet would tap. It was almost childish, how much he immersed himself.

She loved it. But she was also happy with where she was- option number two. It was also twice as comfortable.

Before she knew it, she was being lifted off the couch. Rose could feel him strain slightly as he carried her. She tried to hide her smile but couldn’t help but let a small one ghost her face. He tapped the bedroom door open with his foot. Moving as gently and quietly as possible, as if she wasn’t a deep sleeper. He knew that well.

Maybe he didn’t know when she was pretending. It made something catch in her throat. All the times she would pretend to be asleep- most of the time because she was already halfway there- just to spend time close to him. Did he never really know?

When he tucked her into bed she realized that he had yet to spend a night in the bedroom. Sure, he needed a little less sleep than the average human- because he wasn’t average. They shared a bed several times before, but he never stayed with her now. Granted, her bedroom wasn’t an alien jail cell or an archaic guest room.

It was an intimacy they never had without barriers and boundaries. Before, they were too aware of what time and space can do. Well he was. When he kissed her forehead, Rose realized it was something they could throw into the wind.

She grabbed his arm before he moved away, “Stay.”

&&

There was a company party at Torchwood. The Doctor had been around long enough- two months and three days- for people to know who he was. Which meant he and Rose ended up staying for an afterparty. And then found a few.

In theory, it was Jake’s fault. He was the one who wanted to test the Doctor’s limits. They were greater than Rose expected. And unlike previous times, he wasn’t afraid to let it show. They ran around the streets of London. Jake showing them holes in the wall, where to get anything and everything. He broke up around 1 in the morning. Leaving them to laugh when one of them stumbled and hide from her father’s paparazzi in dark alleys. It didn’t do much but make them look worse in the morning.

They didn’t care. Too busy having a good time. There’s no doubt in that. They danced and flirted and had way more than one too many. Stumbled home and…

Rose woke up to a pounding headache. Maybe she was getting too old to have that type of fun. But the moment she had the thought, she decided the hangover was worth the fun. Even if the bed was empty when she woke up.

She got out of bed with a groan and grabbed the first shirt within arms’ reach. Which happened to be the Doctor’s button down from the night before. She brushed her teeth and took a few painkillers before walking out into the living room.

The stereo system was playing music that Rose wasn’t familiar with. But she heard him humming along.

She stopped and smiled as she caught sight of him. Clad only in a pair of briefs, the Doctor was swaying side to side as he chopped something. He was light. Not the tense and straight-backed man who needed to prove he was still worth his title. Hair beautifully messy, a blush spreading over the freckles of his back, and remnants of them from the night before.

He was beautiful. Especially when he let the weight off his shoulders.

She couldn’t help wrapping her arms around him when he was within reach. Pressing a kiss against his spine as he chuckled. Appreciating the heat his body left against her cheek.

“Good morning.” The vibration of his voice made her feel light as well.

She hummed in response. Appreciating the feeling of it all.

“I figured I could make us some breakfast.” He said, his voice slightly hoarse.

“Have you made any tea yet?”

“No.” A tinge of pink gathered on his cheeks, “I waited because it’s better when you make it.”

She let go with an exaggerated sigh and a smack of his bum. Smirking to herself at his quip, which was exactly as she always thought. She made their tea in their respective mugs. Her’s was one her mum painted with Tony, his was the one Tony made for him as a surprise. It was lumpy and chipped and colorful. Rose knew it was the few things that would expand into the sentimental collection he’d grow. It would probably remain one of his favorites.

She sat on the counter next to where he was making their omelettes once the tea was ready. She watched his focus intense when he went to flip them. Tongue daring to peek out the side of his mouth.

“Since when did you learn to cook?” She asked suddenly.

He placed his omelette on a plate before giving an explanation.”

“Oh, er,” His hand went to rub the back of his head, “When you have meetings or something during lunch, Jake has been showing me some stuff. He gets a kick out of it. Finally found something he’s better at than me.”

Rose laughed, “You found yourself a drinking buddy!”

“Oi!” He scowled, she noticed how he barely kept his finger from pointing, “I have not become that domestic, Rose Tyler!”

She couldn’t keep but laughing even more. The image of a Doctor disheveled and only in his pants, making breakfast and trying to defend that he still had an edge. The only thing that could make it any better was a “Kiss the Cook” apron.

Rose made note to get him one for the next holiday.

“Rose!” He whined, “Please, will you let off it?”

She found herself saying, “Make me.”

The Doctor wasn’t having any of that taken lightly, he took the two steps to invade her personal space with zero hesitation. The next laugh got caught in her chest. The smile remained though.

He smirked when the only sounds were their breathing and the music.

“Didn’t have to do much to do that.”

“You wish.” She mumbled, trying not to show how much she wanted him to kiss her.

“You’re wearing my shirt.” It came from deep in his chest.

He kept close to her. Close enough to where she could feel his breath against her lips. She was seconds from giving in. Letting him win until-

“Food’s getting cold!” He made a dramatic spin to grab their plate.

Rose kept in the groan. Feeding his ego was the last thing she wanted to do in the moment.

Which was fruitless. Because he still had sharper hearing. Thus, he easily made out the “Tease.” she let out underneath a loud sigh.

“You can wait, we’ve got the rest of our lives.”

She followed him to the table, “You wouldn’t say the same if I did it to you.”

He set the plates down and turned to face her, an offended look on his face.

“As if.”

She smiled, “As if you haven’t thought the same way.”

“Like…?” He did a poor job of hiding the way he looked at her.

“Well, we could stay inside all day. Just the two of us.” She took a step closer.

“I thought that was already planned.”

She ignored him. Standing on her toes and whispering, “Or the rest of the weekend.” before pulling him into a kiss. Only to push him away when it became a little more than chaste.

“Minx.”

&&

The day she had been dreading came two weeks later. Rose’s ears had been ringing ever since she went by the Doctor’s lab to see if he was ready to go. Only to find a few of his coworkers and to hear that he got taken up for an interview. Jake said he didn’t see him during their breaks.

She called her mum everyday. It was habitual. But today it seemed like Jackie knew what was happening. Maybe Pete told her. Rose didn’t really care. She might later.

Why didn’t they deserve a heads up?

Jackie tried her best to soothe Rose. She could hear her daughter pacing the flat, rummaging through things. Half-heartedly listening to Jackie’s story about Tony and dinner. She was halfway out the door when Rose said,

“He’s home. Talk to you later.”

And he was a mess. Hair messy but not in the way Rose liked. Shirt untucked and blazer unbuttoned. His jaw set. He looked angry. The type of anger that would hide behind his eyes. That made deep brown shine gold if you knew him. She wondered if this was going to be a different anger than before. She heard stories of Donna Noble’s emotional and passionate rants and rages. She saw Donna close to falling apart when she sent her back to fix the timeline.

He looked a lot like both right now. A mix of a wildfire and a downpour.

“Doctor?”

He looked afraid.

“Hey, c’mere.”

His fist clenched.

“Talk to me.”

She reached for his hand and led him to the sofa.

She couldn’t read him. All tempestuous thoughts couldn’t translate the way she was used to. He saw that. So instead he tried to put on the facade of someone who has it together. One that only told her it was worse. Something terrible tugged at something deep within him.

“I didn’t think it’d be that bad.” He cleared his voice, “It actually didn’t bother me until I got home.”

It was exactly what she expected. Everything that made her heart hurt for him.

“It does that, doesn’t it?” She wasn’t sure what to say.

Her mum had always been better at this. She always knew how to get through, to tell people it was okay to say what they needed. Rose was better at feeling the same as them without the words. But she sat in front of a silent rambling man.

“Yeah. It’s a blow to the chest.”

She reached for his hand, interlocking their pinky fingers. There was a static shock when she did. And that seemed to be the tipping point. The shock that told him to let go.

“I need you now.” His voice broke at his attempt to hold back tears, “I don’t know. Before I could go on. I could keep going. But it’s different, isn’t it?”

Rose nodded. Still unsure of what to say, how to help. She understood. Understood so clearly she wondered if he had tapped into her mind.

“Do you think they realize what they say?”

“Yeah.” Rose looked down, “They’ve done it to me and mum several times. Well, mostly me.”

“How did you deal with it?” His eyes were wide. He looked lost trying to navigate what he was feeling.

“I knew I had to get back to you.” It came out simple. Like it was clear. Like she never spent days in bed after these interrogations sometimes.

He shook his head, “I’m not the me that you were trying to get back to. They know that. You know that.”

“I know you’re the same man. One less heart and hair that’s got a streak he always wanted.”

“Now I’ve got a last name and pay rent. Not exactly the man you met.”

“It’s been eight years since we met, for me. We change. I don’t mind, Doctor.”

He grabbed her hand, not taking his eyes off of it, “Some people do.”

“To hell with them. We’re going to live lives they can only dream of.”

A silence settled over them. Rose heard her phone vibrating in the kitchen, but didn’t care. She watched as his eyes traced her face. Curious and willing. Unsure and timid.

“I’m not sure what else is going to happen. I don’t really care,” He took a shaky breath, “All I know is that it’s you.”

&&

Her mum and Pete asked for them to look after Tony for an evening. There was some publicity event or whatever. Jackie couldn’t remember what exactly. Rose never minded. Her little brother was easier to take care of than most would think. Raised just as she was plus a little more expense. He deserved it. The miracle child who kept her company at her worst times. He knows it too.

He also adored the Doctor. For one, he looked super cool and was super cool because he saved the universe and worlds with his sister. Two, Tony could ask him any question and he’d have the answer, the Doctor never dulled it down either. He just would answer the questions that followed. Tony’s favorite thing though, was that they could get into messes and out of them without too much consequence. Rose was sure that if he knew the words, he’d already be calling him a brother-in-law.

As much as they were two peas in a pod, it took an hour of debate between the boys for them to figure out what they were going to do. In the midst of the Doctor arguing the pros of his idea, Rose announced that they would be going to the park.

After a walk around, they settled on a hill. The Doctor laid out his trenchcoat for him and Rose to rest on. Tony left for a few minutes before coming back with a handful of flowers. Handing them to Rose and asking her to make him a crown. Before taking off to find more, so they could all have one.

“Since when could you do that?” The Doctor asked, pulling out a prototype of his sonic.

Rose shrugged, “I taught myself when I’d babysit my little cousins. Muscle memory at this point.”

“You’ve never mentioned it.”

Rose looked up from the braided weeds with a smile and raised eyebrow, “‘Cause you’re not a six year old who needs to be kept busy. At least, most of the time.”

“I’m six months and fourteen days.” He puffed his chest.

Rose rolled her eyes, “Always have to bring yourself into it, don’t ya?”

Before he had the chance to reply, Tony came running up with another boy in tow. Quickly dropping a few handfuls of flowers at Rose’s knees before steering toward the Doctor. People who appeared to be parents a few yards behind. Rose waved, making sure it was alright as the boys focused on the Doctor.

“This is Dr. Noble! He’s my sister’s boyfriend.”

Rose chuckled at Tony’s explanation of him. But the boy held out his hand to shake in a grand gesture. The Doctor took it with the same enthusiasm.

“And what’s your name?”

“Jackson. I’m Tony’s second best friend.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, “Well who’s the first?”

Tony looked shocked, “You are, Silly!”

“Of course I am, Tony.”

Something overtook the playful gleam in his eyes, something softer and touched. Rose noticed that there may have been a tear in his eye. She smiled at the ground, glancing up every so often.

Tony started asking the Doctor to tell his favorite story. The one about what happened at Krop Tor. She listened as closely as the boys, he had never let her hear it in entirety before. Most of it was as it happened, granted, not as grave. There was something he didn’t know, which wasn’t normal. And they got trapped when they went to figure it out. So it goes.

But he changed his tone at the end of it. Lowering his voice when he asked, “Do you want to know the best part?”

To which the boys nodded eagerly.

“Well, I wouldn’t be here to tell you this if it weren’t for someone.” He nodded his head at Rose, “I was just fighting the body. Which is scary but nothing compared to the soul of the Devil.”

“C’mon!!” Tony bounced on his knees.

“She was the one who made the final move. Ready to sacrifice herself and who she loved for the better of the universe,” He started to whisper, “I knew that she was the best. But this is when she became the very best.”

He explained how she shot the window of the rocket. Dramatizing it to make her sound more impressive. Throwing his hands around while talking about the Tardis. Dedicated to giving the happiest ending for the boys.

He did it with a breeze, leaving them whooping and cheering.

They were once again antsy to run around and burn off energy. Rose handed them both a crown, trying to keep Tony’s attention.

“When do you have to be back here, Anthony?”

He scowled at the use of his full name, “Before the sky turns all dark blue.”

“You’re good to go.” Rose laughed.

Tony pulled his friend away. They only managed to get just out of ear’s reach before Jackson came bounding back up.

The Doctor looked up from where he was fiddling with his sonic, “Yes sir?”

“What’s your first name?”

“Doctor,” He grinned mischievously.

“Your last?”

“Noble.” He said it with pride.

Jackson gave him a questioning look but shrugged and ran back to Tony, who was poking at something with a stick.

Rose left the rest of the flowers on the ground and turned her attention to the sunset. Listening to everything going on around them. The phantom breeze in the trees. All the kids calling for each other. Passing conversations.

“What about when we get married?”

It came out of nowhere. She tried not to let her surprise show, “What about it?”

“Our last names.” He looked at her, the wind in his hair reminded her of their time on New Earth, “I quite like Noble and I don’t think you should give up Tyler.”

“What if I want to?” She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Well, I mean-”

“I’m joking, Doctor,” She looked at him, lost in thought, “We could hyphenate them.”

He shook his head in thought, “Hm, but who would go first?”

She shrugged, returning her focus to the sky. Listening as he rolled “Noble-Tyler” and “Tyler-Noble” off his tongue while it turned a brighter and brighter pink.

She swatted at him with the back of her hand when Tony ran back to them. Trying to avoid any conversations that aren't necessary. He asked the Doctor to come play with him because Jackson had to leave. Before he started to drag him away, the Doctor managed to give Rose a peck on the cheek. The six year old was too impatient. Leaving him to yell “I love you!” at her.

Her eye roll was followed with her own shout, “I love you too!”

&&

The Doctor was wearing a tuxedo similar to the one he wore the first time they were here. This time it wasn’t to gain information but to give it. He was to give a lecture on something he figured out in the eight months he’d been here. He argued that it wasn’t that important. That he didn’t need to do it. Pete reminded him that the other scientists working on it eight spent years. Not months.

The Doctor and Donna’s personality had always been intertwined in him. Rose knew it. She first noticed because he was quick to reply to her mum’s quips and actually started to enjoy spending time with her.

He said it was because he’s half the alien he used to be. But both Rose and Jackie beg to differ.

But this was the first time she’s seen the personality merge work against him. He couldn’t just brush off the idea of speaking in front of people who are there to question him. Speculate how he did it. Insecurities bubbled to the surface and crawled into his nerves.

Rose found out through Jake, who had to pull her from talking to people before the seminar. She wasn’t the one resisting. She was tired of questions about this “mystery man” who was “quick to put a ring on her finger.”

Although, the reactions to the fact that she was the one who got down on one knee humored her. But led her to explaining that he got her ring later.

“He’s been pacin’ the room like an animal that hasn’t got enough enrichment.” Jake said while walking Rose to where the Doctor was, “I couldn’t get through to him but we all know you can.”

She entered the room to a speaker being in pieces across the floor. The Doctor sitting in the middle of all the pieces, trying to rig something together. She wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be a DADA sculpture or a new invention. Either way, his new anxieties were making him manic.

“Doctor?”

His head snapped up and he gave her a tense grin, “Rose! I was just thinking of you.”

“I don’t think you stop doing that.”

He shrugged and started sweeping all the pieces into a small pile in front of him.

“Doctor,” Rose said it softer than before, “What’s going on?”

“I’m about to talk to a room full of people and I can’t suppress hormones like I used to be able to.”

He said it with a straight face. Leaving Rose to hold her breath to keep from causing him anymore anxiety. She wasn’t sure if her urge to laugh was caused by the point-blank approach of explanation or the fact that he was clearly lying. She didn’t think on it too much. She tried to think about what her mum said and did all the times she was at a breaking point.

The first thing she noticed was how disheveled he was. Only half dressed, though he’d never admit it. Then it clicked.

“Presentation is the most important thing. That’s what I’ve learned from Pete. So let's tidy you back up.” She held her hand out to lift him back up.

She talked about everything except what his mind was so desperate to be focused on. Coaxing the dopey smile and puppy-dog eyes out of him. In the end, it was more flirting than discussing. But it worked the way she needed to either way.

Rose couldn’t help but notice how he focused on her hands when she buttoned his shirt.

“I’ll unbutton them later if you don’t have a heart attack on stage.” She said with his favorite grin.

She couldn’t help but let it slip. And the mischievous look she got in return was worth it. Now that he was dressed, it was time to move onto his hair. Which would only take so long due to the fact he was overprotective and particular with it. This was where she planned to dig back in.

He gave her a sheepish smile as he sat down in front of the mirror, watching her hands start to tease his hair.

“What had you so worked up earlier?” She asked, watching his eyes dart from her to anywhere else in the mirror.

“I started thinking too much. Or- I focused on one thing and wouldn’t think of anything else.” He looked like a schoolboy. Embarrassed to feel things.

Rose thinks this is the most human moment he’s had yet. His superior biology not quite what it used to be.

“What was it?”

“Well, uh,” She swatted the hand that went for the back of his head as he spoke, “I didn’t want to disappoint Pete. or Jackie. Or you.”

His eyes met with hers in the mirror and she gave him a sweet smile, “My mum and I don’t care. You know that. Pete? He’s got PR on standby if necessary.”

“I know,” The Doctor shrugged, “But you’re the ones who let me get here.”

Jake knocked on the door, “He’s got five minutes!”

His spine went rigid again. Rose ran her hand over it in response. She pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, where no one would notice if a lipstick stain was left.

“Just talk to ‘em like you’d talk to Tony, yeah? Go on your big monologue and worry about what’s going on in their heads later.”

When he stood up she fixed the lock of red in his hair to flow with the rest.

“I love you. You know that?”

“Absolutely.” She straightened his bowtie one last time, “You know, you have nothing to prove to me.”

&&

Rose blew air out like a cigarette, watching a cloud too hazy and heavy form. Those days were long gone. She realized they had gone before she met the Doctor. A long memory now, where she lived in a parallel universe with a new half-human, half-timelord Doctor. She didn’t mind, though. That’s life isn’t it?

It was this line of thought that led her into sleepless nights. Comparing lives. Wondering how her old Doctor was doing. Wondering if her Doctor was really, truly, happy. If they’d ever get back the life that they belong in. All this what-ifs and open-ended question that she’d never get an answer for until the moment came. They ran rampant through her head. Like a skipping record.

Sometimes it was tempting to pick up old habits when she got like this. She knew why she didn’t when the door behind her slid open, revealing a shirtless, groggy Doctor.

“Rose, it’s 3 am.”

“I know,” She turned to face him completely, “I couldn’t sleep.”

He hummed in understanding and sat next to her. Looking up at the sky full of stars he’s yet to map. It made a sharp pang go through her chest. To see him like this. So bare in a universe he was ready to make a mark on. Then Rose noticed the goosebumps rise on his arms with a gust of wind. He’s yet to admit that he’s been cold. Even when it’s written all over his face and hands.

She also noticed the way his eyebrows furrowed. As if he was counting each and every star.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?”

She shrugged, “Thinking ‘bout what you said.”

“We’re at the halfway mark. Now is time for her to grow on her own.”

Rose thought back to the shed on Pete’s estate that they spent every free day they had at for the past month. Which meant one of them pulled the other out of bed. Because they had their very own Tardis growing inside, waiting to learn of new skys.

“But will we make it that long?” She felt the fear bubble over into tears, “It scares me. To not know when. Which is ridiculous but I’ve waited so long and I know you’re just as restless.”

He sat there for a second, gathering the right words.

“Rose, you did the impossible once. All on your own. Yeah, you had Jackie and Clive and Pete, but-”

“Now I have you.”

The words hung heavy in the air. Like it was some confession. Admitting something she always wished for had come true. But it wasn’t made up of the dreams she once had. It was messy and real but even worth more than what once was the only thing that let her sleep at night.

“I told you a year ago, it’s gonna be us. I could care less about what else there is.”

Maybe that was the catharsis. The unholy amounts of emotion came pouring out of her. She fell into his arms as she broke into tears.

She had no clue where it came from. Maybe it was stress from work. The clutter starting to build in their tiny flat. Or knowing they were so close. Her heart begging to be reminded of what showed her love in the first place.

“Rose, you golden girl. You did it. You got back to me- or well, I came back with you. Besides the point. You’ve done it once. What’s a second time with the impossible holding your hand?”

He rocked her slightly as she started to calm down. Brushing her hair out of her face and wiping her tears. Pressing kisses against her forehead. Mumbling things she normally didn’t hear.

He pulled her back with a wide grin, “Hey, we still have to get married before leaving. I don’t want another slap from your mother.”

“I think we should do it Vegas style.” it came out as a snotty laugh. And in the back of her mind she wondered if he ever saw her like this before now.

“I don’t care as long as it’s you.” He smiled, “You said it a while ago, ‘Better with two.’”

She giggled, rubbing her eyes one last time, “The stuff of legends, us.”

“Especially in a few months' time.” He said, looking back up at the sky.

“We’re gonna be alright,” Rose pulled him into a tight embrace, “We’re okay.”

[erineliz]

I spent a lot of time thinking about and writing about my favorite Taylor Swift albums of all time and ranking them. It was a lot of work but I’d love to see other fans rankings and read why. Here’s mine:

1.folklore

2.fearless

3.reputation

4.taylor Swift

5.speak now

6.Red

7.lover

8.1989

So now that folklore has been out awhile, I’ve listened to it, memorized it, loved it. I’ve been reminiscing on old albums now, as you do. My album ranking opinion is probably a super unpopular one in the t-swift fandom that I follow but, I’m a different kind of swiftie I suppose. So I’ll try to further explain my opinions on these albums.

Starting from the bottom,

1989: this is last for me but in no way means it’s a bad album, I mean something has to be last but this one just was not my wildest dream lol. It started off with the release of shake it off before the rest of the album and this was the beginning of Taylor releasing my least favorite song first on quite a few albums (followed by LWYMMD and YNTCD, but we’ll get to those later) I love, love,love blank space and it was a huge bop for a long time after I first heard it. Prob the only thing that made me even want to listen to the rest of the album. Because, as you can see red didn’t fall very high on my list so to follow it up with just shake it off made me kind of feel like, am I over t Swift? 😯 shocking, I know. I was a senior in college when this was released, blank space was played loudly at a few house parties and I loved that everyone loved it too, not just me; a long time lover of swift. It always feels like an I told you so moment when people who aren’t swifties like one of her songs. I never bought this album, and didn’t have Apple Music at the time so I feel like I never really gave it the time and appreciation it deserved. Almost every song on it became a single and I did like a lot of them. The first time I heard New Romantics was when my sister was playing the deluxe cd in her car and I was like, what is this? I loved that song. I think I then looked into the album more and listened to the rest. It was ok, I liked clean because I was going through a breakup. I liked how you get the girl, I thought it was creative and also kind of related to my break up. Out of the woods was too repetitive for me, the rest of the songs were played on the radio so much that they just became overplayed and annoying to me. So yeah, although this was her most successful album by far, I think it was just too mainstream, over played and not for me! But still good overall, you know, because, it’s Taylor Swift.

Lover: it was hard for me to put this this low, because again, not a bad album. It started off by Releasing YNTCD and Me! Before the rest of the album and again I was just like meh... but I knew better in my career as a swiftie that these two singles meant nothing for what the rest of album would be. I really like a lot of the songs on this album, London boy, daylight, false god, cruel summer, the man..all really good! But just nothing that went down as a favorite swift song of all time. I love the aesthetic of this album, probably one of my faves. I love that it’s about love, it came out last year, right when I bought a house with my lover, and I listened to it many hours while painting our walls before we moved in. I feel like Taylor and I have gone through it all together, and lover was the epitome of where my relationship was with my fiancé, just like her and joe 💕 we made it through all the heartbreaks and this was the purple pink sky at the end of the tunnel! But still, she has made way better music IMO.

Red: This is the swift album that everyone thinks got snubbed by the Grammy’s. Most swifties would scoff at this ranking as well. But..again not a bad album, this album has some of her BEST songs/lyrics. But..also it has, and it hurts me to say this, some of her worst as well. Red is good, but if we’re taking albums as a WHOLE, that you can listen too without any skips, this is not that one for me. This album does have some of my favorite of all time songs: all too well(give me the 8 minute version,damnit), red, state of grace, treacherous. But then it also has..stay,stay,stay which I really think is just like, so corny and fake, you can tell it’s not about her life, it’s like a little country twangy but still like bubble gum pop. It just rubs me the wrong way and gets a skip when listening. This album was a huge turning point in her country to pop timeline and it has a good mix of her pop bops along with her pretty little guitar poetry. The pop singles on this album were not my fave. 22 is fun, I was 20-21 when this came out and everyone was jamming 22 on their 22nd b-days. IKYWT got sooo overplayed and annoying. Same with WANEEGBT. I love my t-swift deep cut, sad songs but some of these were just trying too hard at that, like sad beautiful tragic and the moment I knew. They were just tooo dramatic for me. But idk, maybe it’s just because I wasn’t going through heartbreak when this came out, I was about 3 years into a 6 year relationship so heartbreak hadn’t been relatable for awhile and wasn’t going to be for awhile longer. I loved the duets with Ed and Gary, so glad we got that again on folklore! I also think that this album appeals way more to a younger audience. I think I grew up a little by 2012 compared to when I was crying over boys listening to the first albums, not just in a sense of heartbreak but also like just the parts of red that are a little corny to me. I think she was still aiming for the young teeny bopper pop and I was kind of growing out of that stage in music, broadening my horizons if you will. I started listening to swift when I was like 15. I think I just was a little ahead of the target generation that this album was made for: But I still just wasn’t done with her or this album due to the minor cheesy parts. Because then she puts shit on there like the fucking bridge of all too well and I’m like ok she is still the greatest writer of all time. This was a long explanation for red, but I have so many feelings about it. And also, yeah.. it didn’t deserve a Grammy, all things considered. All too well could have had one for song of the year, but whatever.

Speak Now: this was a good album, I think it was very similar to fearless but not quite as iconic. fearless has kept its high rank over the years so because this was so similar, I can’t put it too low. It was exactly what I wanted after fearless, also I think it kind of explains too why red was a bit of a let down..it was a huge change from fearless and speak now. I guess I’m just slow to adapt to change? But anyways speak now has some of the best deep cuts, dear john, last kiss both so beautifully written. Real, raw. We all knew who they were about and the drama of these relationships was exciting because these were the days that’d we’d all hear stuff about who she was dating but never get the full story. then later hear about it in her albums..it was nice to get that kind of honesty from a celebrity, made us feel like we really knew her. Sparks fly is up there as favorite song of all time. Mean was such a clap back to her critics and had the country vibe and twang from her first album. Also, this album had songs about John Mayer, joe Jonas, Taylor lautner..and Kanye west? All huge names at the time. I have to admit, the Kanye west innocent song was a huggeee let down at the time. I know this bitch had worse thing to say than “you’re still an innocent” but..she was very deep into playing her nice girl role at the time. So thank god there was a rep era later on down the road! I was a freshman in college when this came out. Living in dorm rooms, listening to music on my laptop late at night with the lights out.

Taylor Swift: this is up there, because it just has to be. This is where it all started. Listening to country radio, hearing Tim McGraw for the first time. I myself being a huge Tim McGraw fan thinking, I hope someone does think of me when they think of Tim McGraw lol. And then, just on a whim somehow, looking up other songs by her..just to see. Now in 2006, looking up songs by an artist wasn’t as easy a task as it is now. I illegally downloaded music on limewire still at this point. And would then burn it to cds. And would later get my first iPod and transfer everything to that, because who wants to pay a dollar per song on iTunes? I’m sorry Taylor, but Not my mother. So, being 14-15, I had to find my own ways. Stay beautiful, our song, cold as you, picture to burn, should’ve said no..these songs were the words I was looking for in high school, going through teenage love and heart ache. Feeling the exact same way as her and wanting to just write these words on a paper and fucking send it to all these boys who made me sad. Wanting to be a famous singer just so these people could see how I feel and how they ruined everything. Pretending that Mary’s song was the story of my lover and I in an imaginary world. Like, for real. This album did something to me, because of this album no matter what happens in this life, if Taylor puts out music, I’m going to listen to it..just to see.

Reputation: this album was a huge turning point for her. And for me, as her fan. It was after 1989, so I wasn’t like, obsessively waiting to see what would be next. The whole cancel tswift thing happened and I heard about it, but it wasn’t like a huge deal. I was on her side, she didn’t do anything wrong and people were so quick to jump down her throat. but musically after 1989, I was not a hardcore swiftie, I still hadn’t adapted to the all pop era. I needed my Taylor swift on a guitar, pouring her heart out in her lyrics. And then, this happened and it was, for me, way better pop than anything on 1989 or red, by far. I was back to my obsessive swiftie ways, but in a whole new way. Every song on the album was a jam, she was speaking her mind, finally saying wayy more about kanye (and kim, ugh) than what we got on speak now.(ironic, because to me this album is when she really started to speak and didn’t play the nice girl anymore) not only that but, this was a love album and I related to it in so many ways. I was finally out of that 6 year relationship, and had a bit of a “reputation” (not really, but some bridges were burned and people talk a lot about things they no nothing about when you end something that lasted 6 years) and I had met someone new. I related to every love song on this album so much and it meant so much because, like Taylor, after all the bullshit that happened, finding the right person is everything. She had never been more relatable. I feel like her pop music finally grew up enough for me. She was doing pop in a new way and I was here for it.

Fearless: this one has stood the test of time. A classic. No skip album. Country, but her first intro to pop crossover with love story, but unlike a lot of her early pop hits, love story didn’t get old and overplayed for me. It’s not like my favorite song now, but when it blew up, I was about it. Beautiful writing on this whole album. It was the first album I bought. The physical cd. It came out when I was just learning to drive. Driving on my own and blasting this album singing at the top of my lungs along with it with no one to tell me to turn it down or change the song solidified the love story I had with fearless. Blasting you’re not sorry over and over again, (a top 5 song of all time) it made me want to learn to play piano (I didn’t). White horse playing on grays anatomy (my fave show at the time). Listening to fifteen at age 16 for the first time thinking, yes this is so true and I’m so much older and wiser now 🤣 . I was a colbie caillat fan before I knew who Taylor was. Hey Stephen was cute AF. Wished that I had the courage to say things like that to my crushes. Forever and always after my first breakup. It just hit so hard. I can always go back to this album, and have, over the years. My first tswift concert with my only other friend that liked her. It was before any of the drama that came out in the news about her. It’s when She started to blow up in popularity, I’d start to religiously follow things she was doing, interviews, videos on tour, and fell in love with her personality. This girl was talented and hilarious and pretty and smart. I wanted to be her so bad.

Folklore: although it’s still new and fresh, I really think it’s the best yet. For me it’s Taylor swift come full circle. It has the writing, some of her best lyrics yet. It has the age and wisdom that we have watched her gracefully acquire over the years. It’s not pop but it still has the catchy tunes that get stuck in your head, but in a quieter, simpler way. It takes loads more talent to get these songs on the charts than it did with her tried and true formula that she has used in the past for a pop song. She perfected that art, but this is a new level now. It’s not trying too hard, it’s honest. It’s still about love and how far she (and I 😭) have come in that journey. Yet it still has the heartbreak, teenage angst that only she can describe so beautifully. Cardigan might be best of all time. Betty takes me back to something on fearless. Mirror ball and August are light, airy, upbeat and just unique. TLGAD is her storytelling at its finest, yet also a quick fuck you to those who think she’s “ruined” anything. She had a marvelous time. It’s also that personal level, we’ve seen the photos of her and all her friends at this house and it just makes you feel like you’ve been there or something. Exile takes me back to red and I love this duet so much. Invisible string is so.well.written. The concept, so beautiful. The story of her and joe. Details we’ve never heard before. The lakes really ties it all together for me. It’s everything. We’re all isolated right now, but this song speaks to me so much. I’m not a big social media person, I like the simple things in life. I like to read, to write, my circle of friends is dwindling as we all get older and that’s ok because I have the love of my life and that’s all I need. It also speaks to how isolated I feel as a t swift fan, not that there is any shortage of swifties out there, but all the people I am close with are not fans of hers. And that’s fine, we have different tastes in music, whatever. But to me the best thing about Taylor has always been her writing, her poetry. I like the sad sappy songs, I want the auroras and sad prose (I also love the concept of not moving for years) this song has it all, even another subtle fuck you to her critics again. Who are you to tell her what her words are worth? They are better than any other artists’ out there. So many other dumb ass musicians out there that don’t even write any of their music who want to say Taylor isn’t “that great”. To me her words are everything. Folklore is everything. And it’s all hers! That’s huge. I feel like with her owning more of her shit now she can also be free to do whatever the fuck she wants. There’s no pressure for a tour on this album, (fucking covid 🙄) which may have influenced how she wrote it..no fancy dance numbers needed here. Without a big record label down her throat too she may have had more freedom, maybe to not have a hit single (although she still does) there’s no super mainstream straight pop BOP like every other album has had. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her and her music. Oh and you want to talk about Grammys? GIVE IT TO FOLKLORE.

[justwritethatdown]

Ahm. .39 please? Thanks!*

39. “Please come home, I miss you”

First of all thank you so much for sending me this, it was my first prompt ever! I really hope you like it, it came out way longer than I expected 

WARNING: this was written listening to ‘Lover’on shuffle, so read it at your risk

Mostly based on Taylor Swift’s ‘False God’ but honestly it’s inspired by Taylor swift in general 

Words count: 4809

Rating: I’d say a light M, there’s no smut but sex is mentioned and implied many times, also there’s a bit of cursing…

We still worship this love

Beca was on her first (of many, hopefully) Europe tutor. After signing with DJ Khaled two years before, her career in pop music took a leap and she had published two albums already, the first one took her around the US for a sold out tour that set the ground for her second one to be a worldwide success, which lead her to Paris, Nice, Rome, Milan, Berlin, Dublin and currently London. She had still two cities in the UK before moving to Holland, Spain and finally head back home, home where her girlfriend was waiting for her.

Since they got together Beca and Chloe had spent more time apart than in the other’s presence; the two best friends had very recently found the words and the courage to talk about what their feelings for each other really were and Beca had to leave for her tour almost immediately after that.

-

Beca didn’t really think about the consequences when she wrote a painful song about pinning / unrequited love, way too detailed for Chloe or any of their aca-friends to have any doubts on who the person she wrote it for was, and the release of said song as the first single of her newest album lead to their group chat blowing up for a day straight and a sobbing redhead showing up to the front door of Beca’s apartment in the West Village. Beca feared the worst at the sight of her friend that upset about her feelings, but she soon found out that those feelings were the same ones Chloe had bottled up for as long as the brunette did. 

They spent the night together, kissing and exploring each other’s bodies, learning how to please one another, discovering how it felt to be with a woman and how it felt to be with someone they both had spent years fantasizing about. In the morning, when Beca woke up curled up to Chloe’s naked back and realized it wasn’t just another one of her dreams, she felt an happiness she’d never felt before, it was like she’d been asleep for this whole time and she was just now seeing the daylight.

She felt the redhead stretch in her arms and turn to face her with a soft, calm smile “good morning” she whispered before gently kissing her “I love you" answered Beca after their lips parted, which caused Chloe to kiss her again, more firmly. It wasn’t the first time any of them phrased her feelings like that, they shared many ‘I love you’s during the night, but it still sounded new to them and made both of their hearts burst out of happiness. When their kiss came to an end Beca pushed back a little to be able to look at Chloe, the golden morning light illuminating her face and body made the petite girl think she didn’t want to see anything else for the rest of her life. Just Chloe.

The group chat was still blowing up, ignored from the both of them until then. “Oh my God, when are they going to calm down?” groaned Beca and Chloe giggled shifting under the sheets to reach for Beca’s phone on the nightstand before going back to snuggle into the brunette, she made sure to cover every ‘indecent’ part of their bodies before snapping a selfie of them and sending it to the Bellas chat “DUDE!” gasped the brunette grabbing her phone but it was too late, the photo was delivered and their friends were already starting to completely lose their minds about it. “Why did you do this?” she whined staring at her screen filling with celebrative messages and a ‘FUCKING FINALLY! Pun intended 😏😏 ✂️✂️✂️✂️’ by Stacey that made Beca’s mouth fall open and go incredibly dry, while she was blushing in horror and embarrassment. “To answer to all their questions at once” explained Chloe taking the buzzing device from Beca’s hands and abandoning it somewhere on the bed before starting kissing along the brunette’s neck making her inhale sharply “yeah, o-okay but… we better put this away" she observed escaping from the redhead’s arms and putting her phone back on the nightstand “…unless you want to send them a video too" she joked with a fake annoyed voice that made Chloe giggle and move to straddle the brunette “Nope. This is just for us" she purred pushing her back on her back, looking at her with the sweetest sexy expression Beca had ever seen. She’d never wrapped her mind around the fact that Chloe could be so incredibly hot and adorable at the same time, it took her breath away.

“I have to take off next week” sighed Beca sadly; they were still laying on her bed on top of each other, Beca’s right ear near Chloe’s navel while the fingertips of her left hand traced random paths on her abdomen “I know…” huffed Chloe, gently stroking dark locks of hair.  

Suddenly Beca sat up straight startling the other girl a little “we can do this, right?” she asked panicking “hey…” whispered Chloe sitting up and cupping Beca’s cheek “…I’ve waited too long for this to let it go now, we’ll make things work" she assured her “I want to be with you and a couple of weeks apart won’t stop me" she added “it’s almost a month Chlo… with different time zones and-“ Chloe cut her off with a kiss. Beca was always the pessimist between them and the redhead was used to having to convince her things were gonna be alright, but this time she felt like her life depended on that. “Listen to me, do you trust me?” she asked “always” answered Beca without losing a beat “then would you close your eyes and just jump in this with me? I know it’s gonna work, I feel it" she begged her touching her own chest “can you do it for me?” she added swallowing, it was barely whispered, so quietly that Beca wouldn’t have heard it if Chloe wasn’t basically sitting on her lap. The brunette delicately wrapped her fingers around her wrist, gently tugging at it and lacing their fingers together “I would die for you" she assured looking into the watery blue eyes in front of her with such a seriousness that let Chloe knew she really meant that, it made her chest rise and a hint of a smile appeared on her face “please don’t ever do that" she breathed out resting her forehead on Beca’s.

-

“We were crazy to think Crazy to think that this could work Remember how I said I’d die for you? We were stupid to jump In the ocean separating us Remember how I’d lie to you?”

Things went downhill pretty quickly when Beca left. The two girls were just in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and only the fact of not being able to be all over each other the whole time was enough to drive them crazy. To worsen the situation Chloe had her finals at vet school and Beca had those goddamn paparazzi following her everywhere.

The petite girl was always very closed up and kept her personal life super private, she never thought about officially coming out because it was nobody’s business and she couldn’t see why that mattered. She told her friends she was bisexual a few years ago and was pretty sure her father always knew. None of them made so much of a deal about it, as it should be, but the most obsessed fans were speculating on her sexuality and constantly talking about the fact that choosing George Michael’s ‘Freedom! ’90’ as a debut song was a pretty clear statement and her not mentioning a man in the single nor in the whole album just increased their theory about her being gay. Some of them even guessed the song was about her former college friend and co-captain Chloe Beale, stating that they always had good chemistry during the Bellas’ performances, but they were wondering why she wasn’t on tour with her (like if she had nothing else to do with her life). So yeah, everyone was up in her business and she hated it. They were constantly taking pictures of her making up stories about her and Theo or her and some member of her security team or her and some random people she didn’t even know.

Beca and Chloe were constantly fighting about nothing; their conversations usually started with the right foot, but as soon as one of them said something that wasn’t exactly what the other wanted to hear things escalated quickly.

“are you still or already awake? These time zones are messing with my brain. Anyway I just got to the hotel room after the concert, I really wish you were here with me right now" lamented Beca through the phone “how’s the study going?” “ugh it’s so boring, please come home, I miss you” whined Chloe in response “baby…” sighed Beca heavily “you know I can’t do that, there’s a contract and… and even if there wasn’t one, there’s people who’s been waiting to see me for months, they look forward to this! I can’t let them down like t-“ “you mean you don’t want to” interrupted her Chloe. Beca wasn’t that keen on the idea of having screaming people who worshipped her and would do anything to see her, but she felt the sense of responsibility that came from all of that and she didn’t want to disappoint anyone. After a pause Beca cleared her throat and replied “no… no I don’t want to, that would be rude and unprofessional.” “of course you don’t” stated the redhead “why should you? You’re living your best life, sorry for being so boring that I have to study to be a vet and can’t be your groupie” “excuse me? My what now!? Where did that come from?” exclaimed Beca outraged.  

“And you can’t talk to me when I’m like this Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you You’re the West Village You still do it for me, babe They all warned us about times like this They say the road gets hard and you get lost When you’re led by blind faith Blind faith”

After not getting a response she scoffed “you know what Chloe? I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. Call Amy or Flo… see whoever’s in New York and go get some fresh air because these fucking finals are driving you insane" “yeah sure, blame it on my exams, on the fact that I’m stressed out, say what you want. The truth is that our lives are different, you should just break up with me… I’m just a burden for you, you should be out there enjoying your celebrity life" Beca knew Chloe wasn’t serious about that, that she was just trying to provoke her for some reason, to scare her maybe, and in all honesty she succeeded. Only the thought of not being with Chloe, to lose her, knocked all the air out of Beca’s lungs ‘Chlo, you know you’re everything to me, don’t say things like that please’ was what she wanted to say, but instead what came out of her mouth was “bullshit! Stop throwing your fucking insecurities at me Beale, it’s not my fault if you think that of yourself” and then hung up.

She knew she screwed up, if Chloe was insecure about their relationship her job was to let her know how solid it was, how deep her feelings for her were, not to yell at her like that, but Beca was like a wild animal (a rather small one, like a raccoon or one of those flying squirrels) and as such she tended to bite when bothered. Fighting with Chloe was the absolute worst, no matter who ‘won’ the fight, she always ended up wounded or at least bruised, it pained her to hurt Chloe just as much as it did when Chloe hurt her. She knew it was the situation they were fighting, that they didn’t really mean any of the things they said during their fights, but it hurt all the same.

Aubrey warned them, she flown all the way to New York, sat them down one evening before Beca left and told them it would have been hell, that they would have been frustrated most of the time, that Beca would have hated the tour and Chloe wouldn’t have passed her exams as brilliantly as she could have. But they (Beca actually) fought her about it, explaining to her how what they had was stronger and different and that they would have been okay, that she knew that. Chloe’s heart felt so full seeing her girlfriend, who was so pessimistic about it only a couple of days before, so sure about them; just because Chloe promised her that morning they spent in her bed. And she believed her, she believed her like people believed in God, with no proof, just blind faith.

“I’m not saying that I have doubts about your feelings for each other, I saw this grow before my own eyes, I’d be a fool to doubt that. I’m just saying that this is the worst way to start a relationship. You should wait until the tour is over and you’re both in the same city again" stated the tall blonde standing in front of them in a power pose with her hands on her hips “Aubrey, I feel like I’ve been waiting for my whole life. I can’t wait anymore.” At that confession Beca made looking into Chloe’s eyes Aubrey let her arms fell on her sides with a sigh “okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you"

“But we might just get away with it Religion’s in your lips Even if it’s a false god We’d still worship We might just get away with it The altar is my hips Even if it’s a false god We’d still worship this love We’d still worship this love We’d still worship this love”

The night after the fight Beca was a wreck and her concert wasn’t as good as the others. When Chloe read about it on the online gossip magazines she felt terrible. She hated it when Beca was upset and knowing the reason was her, destroyed her. She wanted to support Beca and celebrate her and be there for her, not bring her down and less than anything she wanted to set her free like she told her the other night. When she knew Beca had arrived in Manchester she sent her a text

Hey babe, give me a call when you’re settled? Promise I won’t pick up another fight. Love you xx (♡C)

Love you too (-> ♡C)

Was all Beca replied, she was tired from the sleepless night and still grumpy from the fight but she appreciated the message and didn’t want to make things worse by ignoring it or replying something stupid. Chloe took her reply as a win, at least the brunette still felt like letting her know she loved her.

Chloe let out an heavy breath running her fingers through red locks, she couldn’t wait to tell Beca how sorry she was and how much she loved her. The sudden buzzing of her phone made her jump and then smile “hey b-“ “I was an idiot” Beca’s voice through the phone interrupted her and she raised her eyebrows in surprise “I don’t know why I always do this” continued the brunette “maybe it’s some sort of self destructive behaviour or maybe the trauma from my parents’ divorce” she scoffed “but anyway… I tend to break the things that I love, but I won’t do that to us. I-I don’t wanna hurt you, like… ever! It’s the most painful thing for me to do. And I don’t want to lose what we have” she stopped to take a breath and Chloe took the opportunity to jump in “Becs that’s… that wasn’t your fault, I’m the one who should apologise for being an idiot and saying stupid things” “Chloe… you and me, that’s my whole world. That’s what I should have told you instead of snapping at you okay? I should have told you that I count the days and the miles that separate me from you and even if this life is crazy and exciting, I don’t want it if I can’t share it with you" “Beca…”  “and I am so proud of you for graduating at vet school baby, don’t ever think I’m not, okay?” she added with a soft voice “Beca I love you so, so much. I don’t… I don’t know what to say y-your speech was…” sobbed the redhead “you don’t have to say anything I just needed to make sure you knew exactly how I feel" “I do. I know how you feel because it’s exactly how I feel Beca, I-I love you more than anything in the world and I just want to make you happy” Chloe wasn’t crying anymore but she still struggled to keep her words even “you do, more than anything” answered Beca with a smile.

They talked for hours until Beca had to leave to get the last things ready before the sound check “have fun baby, I love you" “oh I will, Amy is coming to see me, she asked me three VIP passes and I’m not sure what to expect from her… oh by the way she said she’s streaming the whole thing live on her Instagram… so you can try to watch some of it maybe? Though I know it’s a crazy time for you so if you’d rather sleep is okay, don’t worry" “I wouldn’t miss it for the world” said Chloe before hanging up.

“Hi guys, thank you all for coming! Uhm… I know most of you have the setlist for this and I promise you, I’ll sing all those songs, but tonight I wanted to open with a song for my girlfriend” at that the fans went crazy, some of them screamed so hard that Beca feared for their vocal chords. When the crowd calmed down a rearranged version of ‘The Only Exception’ by Paramore (that Beca had mixed in half an hour before the concert) started playing.  

After the concert Beca found a lot of texts from her friends who had apparently been watching Amy’s live:

BECA THAT WAS ACA-AWESOME OMG SO ROMANTIC!!! 💕💕💕😻 (Legacy)

I love you. You’re worth the risk too baby ♡ call me when you can, I’ll be awake (♡C)

I am proud of you Mitchell! And for the first time, I’m glad I was wrong ;) (Posen)

OMG Beca did you just came out to the world like this!?!? You’re such a rockstar!  (Jesse)

YO GIRL, the concert was amazing, as usual 💥💥💥 (CR)

Someone is whippeddddd 😜😜😜😜 proud of you, babe 💋 (Stace)

Love wins!! 🌈🌈🌈🦄🦄🦄🌈🌈🌈 (Jessica?Ashley??)

Wow Beca, amazing concert! Didn’t expect that first part 😍 (Flo)

Love wins!! 🌈🌈🌈🦄🦄🦄🌈🌈🌈 (Ashley?Jessica??)

Hey I saw the live, it was great!! (Benji)

👏🏼👏🏼 💪 (Lilly)

She only quickly replied to Jesse and Stacey before calling Chloe immediately

Wow dude, I was actually gonna call you tomorrow about that… I mean, I didn’t want to erase our story or anything… that song was a bit extreme… (-> Jesse)

Shut up bitch! (-> Stace)

“Hey baby, you should be sleeping” “how am I supposed to sleep after that!?” asked Chloe, her voice was bubbly and Beca could hear how wide her smile was, it made her smile too. To make Chloe happy was what she was in this World for, she was sure about it “that was the most romantic thing anyone ever did for me! I don’t know what I did to deserve you, honestly” “must have been something bad…” joked the pop star “so you’re not mad, right?” she checked even though the answer was pretty obvious “mad? Beca, the only mad I am is mad for you" “cheesy” laughed Beca “said the girl who just dedicated a love song to me during her own concert” scoffed Chloe “look babe, I gotta go, Amy decided we have to go get drunk to celebrate… in the end the one pass was for her date, he’s not that weird this time by the way, and the third one was for a dude she paid to hold her phone the whole time so she could enjoy the concert, can you believe that?” asked Beca laughing again “…I mean yeah, that’s totes something she would do" replied Chloe giggling “go have fun baby, I love you" “love you too, goodnight”

All cool. I know what we had and I know she’s something else, she always has been. I’m happy for you (Jesse)

🤐 (Stace)

Thank you Jesse (-> Jesse)

-

After that night to her concerts started to appear pride flags and Beca had to admit it felt nice, but what really got to her was one girl in Spain that stopped her on the ‘Ramblas’ while she was visiting Barcelona “hi you’re Beca Mitchell, right? I don’t wanna bother you I just wanted to thank you for what you did in Manchester. I am a lesbian and to know that my favourite female singer has a girlfriend makes me so happy, you have no idea how much this means to me. You have given me the courage to come out to my best friend and to my brother” Her eyes were watery as she spoke and Beca just looked at her speechless “representation matters, and I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart” she concluded and Beca, for the first time in her life, felt the need to hug someone who wasn’t Chloe, maybe it was because the girl must have been thirteen years old or maybe because she was so considerated to respect her space and not asking for a hug or a photo, but she decided that it was almost certainly because of what she said, because she’d never thought about being a role model or someone that made others feel like they belong, that there is nothing wrong with them “uhm, you want a hug?” she asked screwing up her face cause she knew how awkward she sounded “oh ohmygod really?” answered the girl over the moon “c’m here" she said hugging her.

-

Beca couldn’t wait to be back home, before leaving she had given Chloe the keys of her apartment and she knew she would have founded her there waiting for her. What Beca didn’t know was that Chloe had organized a little ‘welcome back’ party with all the Bellas, only Amy, Flo and Stacey could make it but it was still something.

The pop star didn’t see that coming and she had to admit it was a nice surprise to have a small reunion with some of her best friends after being far from home for so long, but despite their presence in her apartment and the scare they gave her screaming “surprise” when she opened the door, the first thing she did was to go hug Chloe, who met her halfway. The two girls hugged for a long time whispering how much they missed each other and how happy they were to be in the same room again. After a while Beca pulled back to look at her girlfriend, still holding her waist while Chloe had her arms wrapped around the brunette’s neck. They were looking at each other with so much love and happiness in their eyes that the room was frozen, their friends were standing there looking at them with proud expressions, and then  there was Amy who was taking pictures of them, the two girls didn’t notice any of it, they were too busy staring at each other’s lips licking or biting their owns, until Chloe made the smallest move towards Beca, knowing that the girl didn’t like pda she was being very careful to any sign that the brunette made to understand if she was okay with kissing in front of their friends, even if she really wanted to. While Chloe was worrying about that Beca crashed their lips together and the two girls shared a passionate kiss that ended only because  the ‘woop’s and wolf whistles coming from Amy and Stacey were starting to piss Beca off.

Only when she was satisfied with how she greeted Chloe, Beca went to say hi to her other ‘guests’. They spent the evening drinking and chatting, but even if they were socializing with their friends Beca and Chloe were never far for too long, they would lean over the other to pour a drink or brushed their hands on the other’s back passing her while moving around the living room or less subtlety going to sit on each other laps every time one of them was chatting on the couch. At dinner time they decided to order Chinese food and eat it sitting in circle on the living room floor like they used to do in Barden (even if Beca’s dining table was more than big enough for all of them). This time Chloe was sitting between Beca’s opened legs and the brunette was leaning towards not to be cut out of the conversation. It wasn’t the best position to eat, but the two girls needed to be as close as possible. After she finished eating Beca wrapped her arms around Chloe and leaned her forehead on the taller girl’s shoulder yawning “girls, I think this is our clue” stated Flo starting to collect the food boxes off the pavement “oh no leave it, I can take care of that" said Chloe starting to move “nonsense” stopped her Stacey helping Flo “I’m not throwing you out guys, I’m just-“ another yawn cut her off “just very tired” she added rubbing her eyes “don’t worry shawshank” said Amy suspiciously gently “we know you can’t wait to have us out of the way” she added with a wink and a way exaggerated bite of her lip that made Chloe laugh “I think I’m gonna take her to bed tonight, but there will be no funny business involved this time" she said still laughing and Beca just hummed, too tired to form words.

As soon as the girls left, Beca and Chloe were laying in bed curled up together. “I’m sorry there’s no funny business… I really want it to be but I am literally dying” apologised Beca snuggling closer to the warm body beside her “hey, it’s totes fine. I’m happy to just be able to hold you right now, I don’t need anything more than this" assured her Chloe before kissing her forehead.

The next morning Beca woke up much earlier than Chloe, due to the jetlag and decided to wake her beautiful girlfriend up by going down on her. Chloe appreciated it so much that they stayed in bed until noon having the best sex Beca ever had. They were about to get up when both of their phones buzzed, it was the group chat. Amy had sent a bunch of photos of them hugging and kissing writing ‘BOOM’ under the last one

Oh come on Amyyyy! Now I have to worry about paparazzi even in my home? WTF ( -> Bellas💕)

Beca was nervous. They had just finished lunch and she decided it was a good time to ask Chloe to move in with her. She tried to dry her sweaty palms on her jeans before hugging her from behind while she was washing the dishes “stop this" she told her placing a soft kiss under her left ear “I’m gonna finish it later, you don’t have to do it all" she added letting the tip of her nose brush on the shell of that same ear “okay" shivered Chloe drying her hands before turning to hug her and kiss her slowly “so, I was thinking…” started Beca biting her lip nervously “I know this might sound crazy but… why don’t you move in with me? You’ve been basically living here already and I know you love this place! Maybe this is soon but… we didn’t really follow the rules since the beginning so… why start now?” “yes" “I mean we’ve lived together already and it only made me fall harder for you if anything, I know all your habits and I learned to live with them and you did the same with mine and-“ “Beca. I said yes” repeated Chloe with a wide smile “yes?” echoed Beca excited “yes” whispered again the redhead.

They were lying on the couch and Beca was staring at one of the pics Amy sent them, the one that captured the moment right before their kiss, it was the quintessence of happiness “can I post this on my Instagram?” she asked turning the screen to let Chloe see it “I would love that" answered the redhead with a wide smile “is this about what that girl told you in Spain?” “Mhm” nodded the brunette “and this would make those stupid paparazzi stories stop” she added and then stopped to think “but it would put YOU on their radar… are you sure? Do you really want to live in this fucking fishbowl with me?” “baby, I want to live with you I don’t care about the paparazzi” she assured her and Beca kissed her before posting the photo with the caption ‘finally back into her arms 😍’.

[sevenhorns]

Thank you, Taylor

I’ve been writing bits of this for the past few months, unsure as to whether I should actually post this. I don’t usually express myself online and, truth be told, I don’t really express myself massively in real life, either.

I do have a very active internal monologue, though, and on this subject, it’s been such a strong one that I’ve felt compelled to write it down - and now, to publish it. So here goes.

* * *

Over the past few years, I felt myself changing. Becoming more reserved. Feeling sad about things. Finding it hard to cope with seemingly insignificant moments. These were all aspects of my personality that were already there, but as I progressed towards the age of 30, were becoming considerably more amplified. I figured it was just a part of getting older - or at least, that’s what I told myself. There’s been so much talk about mental health and the efforts to destigmatise it (especially among men) that I figured I was associating with symptoms of depression because I was more aware of them, not because I actually had them. 

I was kidding myself.

To cut a long story short, I had a breakdown while working at a very public event and realised that something was very wrong with me. Even then, I tried to push it to the back of my mind, thinking that because I knew and accepted there was something wrong with me that it would somehow ‘cure’ me.

Obviously, I was once again kidding myself.

When work asked me to attend a similar event, I had another breakdown and realised I had to take action. I took time off from my job (who were incredibly supportive) while I took steps to combat my anxiety and depression. I went to the doctor, joined a gym, and found a therapist. For the first time in ages, I felt genuinely optimistic.

The feeling was short-lived. The pills my doctor gave me did nothing, the gym couldn’t fit me in for an induction for two weeks, and the therapist I saw was awful. He listened, but he didn’t hear what I was saying.

At the time all this was happening, Taylor Swift released Lover.

* * *

My journey to becoming a Taylor Swift fan was a slow burn. I wasn’t much into chart music in the late 2000s (I was far too busy being some sort of edgy emo/goth/rocker hybrid) and, being a Brit, Taylor’s music took a while to filter over here. But the moment I heard Love Story, I knew it was right up my street. Over the following years, I heard (by chance, rather than because I’d sought them out) YBWM, The Story of Us, and a couple of others. By the time Red came out, I had to accept that maybe I was just a massive Taylor Swift fan, so I bought all her albums - and loved pretty much all of the songs. 

Ever since, she’s been my absolute favourite artist, both because of her talents as an artist, and the fact that she just seems like a genuinely lovely human being. But I digress

* * *

When 1989 and Reputation released, I listened to them the moment I could. I’d pour myself a nice drink, stick on some headphones, and just listen. It was a new ritual, but one that I was nevertheless looking forward to doing with Lover. But I was in such a mental funk that the album sat on the shelf in its cellophane untouched. I just wasn’t in the mood to get excited about anything - even a new album from my favourite artist.

It was an odd time. I was signed off of work for mental health reasons, but none of the steps I was taking to improve things worked. While I was waiting for my gym induction and an appointment with a new therapist to open up, I was just spending days at home on my own with all this free time... and absolutely nothing to do with it. Wake up, have some breakfast, watch daytime TV, wait for my partner to get home from work, have dinner, go to bed. The breakdowns and anxiety attacks I’d had sucked, but the monotony of sitting around and waiting with nothing but my own broken thoughts for hours on end each day was horrendous. Wallowing in self pity had become a dreadful hobby.

One day, I was sitting at the computer, wasting time doing absolutely nothing productive, when I noticed that the early evening sun was really quite pretty. As I felt its warmth on my back and saw the long shadows being cast across the room, I had a brief moment of motivation: this seemed like as good a time as any to listen to Lover.

* * *

Good decision. I Forgot That You Existed was a solid start, and then came the absolute bop that is Cruel Summer. As that fantastic bridge hit, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of how much I was enjoying a song called Cruel Summer when my own summer was being pretty cool to me, too.

By the time I hit Paper Rings and Cornelia Street, I realised I’d had a genuine grin on my face and energy in my body. It was the first genuinely positive emotion I’d felt in weeks that was wasn’t the double-edged sword of relief or security. I was happy for the sake of being happy.

By this point, I’d stopped faffing on the computer and was just sitting, watching the golden sunset out of the window. As Daylight finished up, I wiped the moisture from my eyes and played through the whole thing again - not just in the hope of prolonging my happy feelings, but because Lover is quite simply an incredible piece of work.

* * *

I know that saying ‘music cured my depression’ isn’t exactly an original position to be in - and I’m glad of that. I’m glad that music can be such a powerful tool when it comes to mental health that has helped many people. And I wouldn’t say that Taylor Swift and Lover cured my depression - mental health is an ongoing battle that requires some degree of constant effort to maintain and I’m not sure if it can ever truly be ‘cured’ - but it was absolutely a key moment it helping me to turn things around. 

Whenever I listen to it, I get the same feelings of happiness and joy, and all the great feelings of the love I have for my partner, and of how fortunate I am to have such an unbelievably loving and supportive family.

Most of all though, it takes me back to that sunny afternoon. It reminds me of the moment when I made a tiny bit of effort to improve my mental health - and it actually worked. After weeks of trying to help myself and failing each time, this action actually succeeded. It gave me hope that as long as I did the right things and put in the effort, maybe I could get some way back to being me again. That although I felt weak in my mind, I still had enough strength to fight my way out of the hole I found myself in. I was still in there somewhere

No matter the song, the time, or the place, Lover has managed to form a deeply personal connection to me in a way that no other music has ever come close to doing.

* * *

Nine months on and I’m like a different person. No, wait, that’s not right. I’m a different version of the same person. 

The second therapist has turned out to be an absolute gem. I still have low days, but thanks to her, I know how to help turn things around. I know where my fears and anxieties come from, what’s likely to trigger them, and how to try and manage my depression.

I fell in love with the gym. As a guy who used the same weak excuse for three years at school to get out of doing PE, I never saw myself as someone who’d voluntarily exercise, let along enjoy it. I’ve lost 40 lbs since September and no longer feel ashamed of the person I see in the mirror.

I’m not going to say that it’s all thanks to Taylor, because that would be doing a great disservice to the friends, family, co-workers, and health workers who have all been actively brilliant. Also to myself - forgive me some self-indulgence, but I’m also really proud of myself and the part I’ve had to play in improving as a person, and the truths I’ve had to admit (which, as a notoriously stubborn guy, wasn’t always easy!).

But in creating an album so beautifully crafted that it reminded me what happy emotions were, Taylor has been a significant part of my journey. I know the chances of her (or anyone else on the zero-follower blog I created as an output for these thoughts) seeing this are astronomically tiny. 

But on the off-chance that she somehow stumbles across this, I’d just like to say a wholehearted thank you. 

Thank you so much. 

Not only for inadvertently helping me, but for consistently creating such wonderful, expressive, and intelligent music; for speaking out and standing for important social issues; and for being a role model that so many people of all ages and cultures can look up to.

As a 30-something white bloke from the UK, I feel slightly awkward putting something like this out into the open... but then again, why should I? It’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to be a man with vulnerabilities and emotions. It’s OK to like whatever you like - if it makes people think differently of you then that’s their problem, not yours. Embrace and share your passions and life becomes all the richer for it.

I really hope I’m able to make one of Taylor’s concerts one day. If you’re at one too, and you see an awkward-looking bloke quietly standing there, struggling to hold back happy tears during Afterglow, that might just be me. Feel free to say hi.

[taysfolklores]

Reasons Why Every Song on Lover is My Favorite

I Forgot That You Existed:

• A Bop

•”In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah”

• Taylor is telling you that she gives no fucks

• the SNAPS

• Her explaining that this was the closing song for the Reputation Era

Cruel Summer:

• BUM BUM BUM BUM (YEAH) BUM BUM BUM BUM (YEAH)

• “he looks up grinning like a devil!”

•THE ANGST OF HER BEING IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT HE DOESNT KNOW AND WHEN SHE DOES TELL HIM SHE LOVES HIM, HE SMILES (like a devil) SHOWING US THAT HE REALLY LOVES HER TOO”

•”I’m drunk in the back of the car and I cried like a baby coming home from the bar”

•”I love you ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard!?”

•Just the whole song really.

Lover:

• She wrote it by herself with a piano

• the echos in the background when she sings “Can I go, where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever.”

•it’s just such a personal song that she decided to share and that means so much

•”ladies and gentlemen will you please stand? With every guitar string scar on my hand, I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover!”

• ITS SO DELICATE AND SOFT

The Man:

• Talks about social issues that need to be addressed because women don’t get treated the same as men

•She calls out the fucking patriarchy

•”Whats it like to brag about raking in dollars and getting bitches and models and it’s all good if you’re bad and it’s okay if you’re mad, if i was out flashing my dollars I’d be a bitch not a baller, they paint me out to be bad so it’s okay if I’m mad”

•The beat to the song is truly everything

The Archer:

• it’s soft yet powerful

• the bridge!!

• “and all of my heroes die all alone, help me hold on to you”

• she poured out all of her fears about love into a love song and then shared it with us and her lover and I’m just- 🥺

I Think He Knows:

• where do I start? The whole song’s perfect

• “he got that boyish look that I like in a man, I am an architect I’m drawing up the plans, he’s so obsessed me and boy I understand. Boy I understand”

• we got MORE SNAPS

• her voice was truly made for this song. Sultry and sexy

• “it’s like I’m 17, nobody understands”

• “BLESS MY SOUL”

• when she says “where we gonna go?” Which suggests that she’s starting a new wonderful beginning adventure with him!!

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince:

• “American Glory faded before me”

• the fact that she metaphorically used high school to show off politics in todays era America

• “GO!” “FIGHT!” “WIN!” Cheerleaders

• “American Stories burning before me”

•the VIOLINS OH GOD, I LOVE IT

Paper Rings:

• “the moon is high like your friends were the night that we first met”

• the fifty diner sounds of the whole thing

• “in the winter in the icy outdoor pool when you jumped in first, I went in too, IM WITH YOU even if it makes me bluuuuee”

• YOU GUYS THIS SONG IS WHAT TRUE LOVE FEELS LIKE. It feels like someone who you just wanna run away with and it feels fun and free and you’d marry them even if they had nothing. You’d marry them with paper rings. With flaws and all because you love them through all that.

• “1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4!”

•I mean just get up and dance. You know you want too.

Cornelia Street:

• It’s about what would happen if her and her lover were to break up and I think that’s such a refreshing song and a new way to look at love and heartbreak

•she wrote it in her fucking bathtub. I mean-

• we can truly picture her time on Cornelia Street as if we were there. That’s how detailed it is.

• “Baby I get mystified how this city screams your name”

• this is a place where she fell in love with her lover and she didn’t even know that she could fall in love like that and that’s beautiful.

Death By A Thousand Cuts:

• the harmonizing church choir going “my, my, my, my”

• the piano, need I say more?

• THAT BRIDGE THOUGH

• it’s based off a movie she loved, not her real life and I love that

• “but I’ll be alright it’s just a thousand cuts”

• JUST ALL THE PRETTY METAPHORS! “I look through the windows of this love, even though we boarded them up. Chandeliers still flickering here”

London Boy:

• The giggle and the James Corden interview at the beginning

• she really lets us in how Joe is as a person and gives us reasons she loves him and tells us that even though he’s different and grew up different, she wants to be apart of who he is no matter what and that’s love

• THAT BASS

• “babes don’t threaten me with a good time”

• hi Joe, we see you. Thank you for taking care of her!

Soon You’ll Get Better:

•her mom... get better soon Andrea. Please ❤️

• a good song to cry too if you ever need it

• the Dixie Chick’s harmonies

• “I’ll paint the kitchen neon, I’ll brighten up the sky, I know I’ll never get it, but there’s not a day that I won’t try”

• I say this about pretty much all her songs but it’s true: Taylor Swift put this song out into the world and it’s SO personal. Like she had a family meeting and together they decided to release it to the world and to us and I’m just- wow. Just wow. You’re such a force Taylor. You and your mother. Stay strong loves.

False God:

• “alter is my hips”

• the fucking saxophone, god yes

• I feel like I’m in a 20s jazz club every time I listen to this and it’s truly amazing.

• “I’m New York City, I still do it for you babe”

• SEXY AS HELL

You Need To Calm Down:

• “SNAKES AND STONES NEVER BROKE MY BONES”

• EQUALITY

• “SHADE NEVER MADE ANYBODY LESS GAY!”

• she ain’t holding nothing back. Bitch snapped and we’re all loving it.

• “WE ALL GOT CROWNS”

• just a true wake up call song about modern day America

Afterglow:

• “fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves”

• she takes full responsibility in a way we’ve never seen her do before and it’s so nice to see and for her to tell us these things and her flaws is honestly another level of friendship between us and her and I’m just- yes.

• the fact that she named it Afterglow. Showing that in every bad fight or time there’s a light at the end.

• just a lyrical masterpiece really

ME!:

• the drums!!!!

• “babydoll”

• Showing that everyone should love you the way you are and that you should love the way you are and when you fall in love, they’re gonna have flaws but remember not to settle for less than you deserve because there’s only one of YOU and no one can take that away

• the fucking bridge that was brought in by Brendon

• the fact that Brendon Urie WROTE AND SANG THE SONG WITH TAYLOR

• this is truly the duet I never knew I needed in my life but I’m glad I have it

It’s Nice To Have A Friend:

• I could go on and on about how much this song means to me

• it’s so simple and really just shows love at its core

• it’s not complicated or over done, it just is. Which is what happens when you fall in true love. It just is.

• showing that your lover should always be your best friend too

• the steel pans!! I mean who thought of that?? I love it!!

• it’s indie. So indie. And I love that.

• “side walk chalk covered in snow” and later on “rice on the ground, looks like snow”

• thank you for this song. It’s one of my all time favorites and I want for whomever I fall in love with- I want that kind of love. That feeling of love. Well this and paper rings haha!

Daylight:

• “I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked, clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke. Maybe you ran with wolves and refused to settle down, maybe I’ve stormed out of every single room in this town, through out our cloaks and our daggers because it’s morning now, it’s brighter now, now”

• the chorus

• she wrote it by herself!!!

• a lyrical masterpiece

• the way she calls out RED

• just her showing us how happy and content she is with life and love right now and a great way to end the album

• “it’s golden, like daylight. You gotta step into the daylight and let it go.”

• I love the way how free and unrestricted she sounds. This song is freedom. In love. In life. In all of it.

• the phone call recording at the end tells us everything we need to know about this album and her life in general. It gives us an insight to her.

All in all, thank you so much Taylor for an incredible album. You never cease to amaze me 💗💗💗

[thisislizheather]

January Jewels 2020

I’ve purposely put off writing this monthly wrap-up because, well, christ. January was a terrible month. I don’t need to go into the details of why, but the consensus from everyone that I’ve talked to fully agrees with me on this. What the hell happened? Starting a new decade is supposed to be great. In any case, I’ll always have high hopes for the future. And I’m just thankful to begin a new month. Here’s what went down in the pit that was January 2020.

First things first, I recapped how my 2019 resolutions turned out. Why don’t more people do this? Where’s the accountability in reviewing your past resolutions? They’re not fucking birthday wishes, they’re intentions! More people need to follow through with this, even if the results aren’t what you hoped for.

I made my 2020 resolutions.

I fell absolutely in love with this sketch.

I did two podcasts with Nathan - one where we talked about the pope incident and one where I absolutely scream at him about Hillary.

I read Jenny Slate’s new book as well as a tiny little book about how to live a good life.

I ended up buying another J. Crew swimsuit (the same one I bought a few months ago, but this time in red) and I have no regrets.

In love with Trader Joe’s (dairy free) coconut whipped cream, I can’t stop using it in hot chocolate.

I rewatched (or watched for the first time, I truly can’t remember) The Staircase and it’s so good. I’m pretty sure Marla got me MP3 copies of this years ago and I did watch it, but I completely forgot about it in detail. Such a good watch. If you’ve already seen it, do you know about the owl theory? It’s a wild one, but, like, I think an owl did it now?

I’ve been using a small bottle of OUAI’s Wave Spray and if I can figure out how to not overspray it, it’s a great product. Once you use it though, your hair only looks good that day. After you sleep on it, your hair looks like shit. (Is that true of all hair products? I have absolutely no idea.)

Bought this Banana Republic top for $13 on sale and I love it because it does not feel like it cost so little.

I don’t know if it’s a Canadian brand but I have found a wicked alternative to Dollarama: Buck or Two. I went to one in Brampton and they’ve got everything.

I watched most of the SNL with Jennifer Lopez and wow did it suck. 99% of the sketches were basically “She’s pretty. That’s the joke.” Fucking hated it. They do this a lot of the time with certain actresses and I can’t ever tell if it’s because the actress loves doing these sketches or they’re afraid she can’t be funny. Whatever the reason is, blow my brains out, please.

I went to the Ear Inn in the city and it was lovely! Super old place. Service was great. Burger was great.

I went to Glossier with the intention of buying the cheek stain and then decided against it. It’s not a good product. I literally pinched my cheeks and got a better rosiness.

I came across probably my favourite winter children’s book of all time, The Snowman by Raymond Briggs. Look at one page of this magic.

I was so happy to hear about this matter finally being settled in New York.

I went to The Dutch again for Restaurant Week for their steak tartare and it’s just heaven on a plate.

I rewatched the great What Lies Beneath and man, it’s still just such a great movie.

As you may have heard, Papyrus is going out of business, so I’ve popped in twice to see what the closing deals are and they aren’t worth it yet (only 30% off! C’mon! I won’t get out of bed for at least 60%), so I’ll keep stopping in every so often until they’ve become desperate.

Love this part of a recent SNL (below). (If you can’t see it in Canada, search for “white male rage SNL.”

I finally went to Boulud Sud for their pasta happy hour and man was it not worth it. The place has a terrible setup if you’re sitting at the bar, the food was absolutely nothing special and had ridiculous portion sizes. It’s also a bad sign when the bread is tastier than the entree. Super disappointing.

I tried on the bras and underwear from LIVELY in Soho and even though it’s priced reasonably, I couldn’t find anything I loved. I have a feeling that I could be into it though, so I’ll go again sometime in the future for sure.

I’ll forever love the lunch special at Pil Pil on the Upper East Side. I know I probably bring this up too much, but man. Love tapas.

I can’t stop buying sunglasses for sale at ALDO. And I won’t.

I finished season one of The West Wing and it was really good. I keep forgetting about it, but I should stick with it. People, like, loved that show, didn’t they?

I started using Sol De Janeiro’s Bum Bum Cream… on my butt. That’s what it’s for, no? So far, I mean… it feels smooth? It’s not at all greasy, which I like. Seems weird to have a cream just for your butt, but who am I to criticize.

Ate the fish tacos at Summer Salt and they’re good! It’s insane and great that they sell margaritas at a fast casual place, too.

Very into this Pat McGrath mascara that I got as a Sephora reward.

Love this Wells For Boys sketch (below) from a few years ago that I just saw for the first time (thanks for showing me, Irene!)

I haven’t been there in years, but I went to Sweet Afton for happy hour in Astoria the other day and had the pickle martini which actually wasn’t terrible. Love that place.

Tried the lunch burger at Peter Luger finally! And yes it was a good burger (love that they use American cheese and the bun was very good even though it's not a potato bun). Steakhouse burgers are always hard for me to rate since a steakhouse burger is a real *entree* unlike the regular, everyday burgers that other places have which are not as big and overwhelming. An everyday burger is easy to rate since it's either great, overrated or shit. A steakhouse burger has nuances, how juicy is too juicy? How's the quality of the meat? What are the ideal toppings? Should someone shoot me for my extensive burger thoughts? Yes.

I went to see a free orchestral performance put on by Julliard at Lincoln Center and it was great. It reminded me so much of going to my brother Gary’s recitals when I was a kid, just loved it.

Had dinner at Portale. The pasta was insane. This place might be a rival for L’Artusi! Dare I say it! Every bite was phenomenal. MUST return. (Noteworthy: it also just got two stars in the Times.)

LOVED this piece about Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes. Favourite line: “The least risky thing in the world is announced apathy.“

Maybe you don’t know this, but 90% of post offices in the U.S. have bulletproof glass between the workers and the customers. It’s obviously because awful things have happened, but I’ve been going to this one post office in the city on 23rd street that doesn’t have the glass and the workers are SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT. I wish all locations were like this one. Just a thought.

Just bought another one of these UNIQLO shirts that I love in dark grey.

Every January I make sure to:

Mark down all holidays/birthdays/anniversaries (Valentine’s Day, Daylight Saving Times, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving)

Check expiration dates for passport/license/health card/insurance and write down any important renewal dates

I’ve watched the first two new episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and it fucking blows. There was only one thing I laughed at (when a server thought Larry was “oggling” her but he was really just keeping an eye on her tray with pigs in blankets) but OTHER THAN THAT, what a piece of shit season so far! I fucking hated the part in one episode where he videotapes the consent given between him and some woman as they’re making out. ALSO, and this has happened a few times over the seasons, he’s recycling fucking Seinfeld jokes. FROM THE SHOW. Talking about when it’s too late to get “Happy New Year-ed”? Are we kidding here?! Fucking lazy as hell. I might just stop watching.

I watched the new Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix and it’s really good. Even if you have zero opinion on her, I really liked it. (It also introduced me to this great song.)

Things that I’m looking forward to this month: seeing a Raptors game at Barclays Center, finally sitting down and watching season two of Shrill in its entirety, reading Joan Rivers’ book Enter Talking and and maybe going to another Restaurant Week lunch before the end date. February, please oh please don’t be as terrible as January.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in December over here!

[makistar2018]

Inside Taylor Swift's Personal Diary Entries: Read All of the Biggest Revelations

By Tomás Mier August 24, 2019

Photo: DIA DIPASUPIL/GETTY

Lover of Diaries

Fans got an inside look at some of Taylor Swift’s most personal thoughts when they bought the deluxe version of her new album, Lover.

Along with some behind-the-scenes recordings, each album featured a 30-page booklet with excerpts from her personal diaries — some even from she was just 13!

“I’ve written about pretty much everything that’s happened to me. I’ve written my original lyrics in those diaries, just feelings,” she said on an Instagram Live announcing the booklets. “It’s everything from pictures drawn, photos of that time in my life, I used to like tape stuff in my diaries.”

Here are the top 10 takeaways from her personal diary entries.

Photo: CHRISTOPHER POLK/GETTY 

Swift the Lyricist

If the diary entries are filled with anything, it’s a deep dive into her song lyrics.

“Red” was born on a long flight — and everyone she played it for loved it.

“Its [sic] so different than anything we’ve done,” she wrote in 2011. “I can’t even tell you how alive and worthwhile I feel when I’m writing a new song and I finish it and people like it. It’s the most fulfilling feeling, like getting an A+ on your report card.”

The diaries also share early versions of “All Too Well” and songs like “Long Live,” “White Horse,” “Holy Ground” and “This Love.”

In a 2014 entry, she writes about the creation of her ultra-hit “Shake It Off.”

“The best way I know how to describe it is that the chorus just fell out of the sky,” she wrote in 2014.

“We all went home and I wrote the first and second verses and brought them in the next day. We wrote this chanty cheer leader bridge that I absolutely LOVE,” she continued.

As for the album cover that would accompany “Shake It Off,” she wrote that she “saw it within 10 seconds.”

“The craziest moment came when something caught my eye. The cover photo is photo 13. I kid you not,” she wrote about the polaroid cover to 1989, which she accompanied with a sketch.

Photo:  HENRY LAMB/BEI/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

A Glamorous Gala

In a diary entry, Swift writes about being invited to “this event called ‘The Met Gala.’”

To an 18-year-old Swift, that day was “THE party of the year.”

“The paps started SCREAMING for me. It was crazy,” she wrote in May 2008. “We made our way up the red carpet, posing for everyone. All of the women looked so glamorous in their gowns.”

Along with meeting Anna Wintour, George Clooney, Julia Roberts and Giorgio Armani at the event, she wrote that “models stood as decorations, standing still and wearing gorgeous gowns.”

Once inside, she lists “every celebrity ever created” at the event, including Scarlett Johansson, Tom Brady, Beyoncé, Victoria Beckham, Tom Cruise and Jon Bon Jovi “who called me over to talk to him.”

Photo: LARRY BUSACCA/GETTY 

Borchetta's Beginnings

Weeks before the release of Lover, a public feud involving Swift and her old label Big Machine made headlines when the label’s founder Scott Borchetta sold the label (and ownership of her masters) to Scooter Braun.

But years before, Swift had nothing but kind things to say about the label founder who signed her.

After meeting with Capitol Records and not being offered “the deal I would want,” she met with Borchetta — and left with feelings of excitement.

“I really loved all the stuff he said in the meeting, and he stayed for the whole Bluebird show,” she wrote in November 2014. “And he’s SO passionate about this project. I think that’s the way we’re gonna go, I want to surround myself with passionate people.”

A meeting with Borchetta also made “Sparks Fly” as she came up with the name of her second album.

“We were talking about the record and I had this epiphany,” she wrote in April 2010. “I didn’t talk in interviews about how I felt about much of what has happened in the last two years. I’ve been silent about so much that I’m saying on this album. It’s time to Speak Now.”

“Scott freaked out. He loved it,” she wrote in April 2010. “We have a title, ladies and gentlemen!”

Photo: SPLASH 

"The Hunters Will Always Outnumber Me"

Swift also opens up about the lack of privacy that comes with being a celebrity — and how she’ll never get used to seeing “a group of people staring, amassed outside my house, pointing, camera phones up…”

“They could never imagine how much that feels like being hunted,” she wrote.

Swift compares her “mostly perfect life” to “being a tiger in a wildlife enclosure.”

“It’s pretty in there, but you can’t get out,” she described in the August 2013 note.

“No matter how big my house is or how many albums I sell, I’m still going to be the rabbit,” she added. “Because the hunters will always outnumber me. The spectators will stand by, shaking their heads, going ‘that poor girl.’ But the point is, they’re still watching. Everyone loves a good hunt.”

But her feelings about being “hunted” also translated into worrying about her generation’s obsession with taking photos “so that they can spend all day checking the comments underneath.”

“They will never truly experience a moment without attempting to capture it and own it,” she wrote, comparing pulling a flower from the ground to take photos. “Nevermind that picking a flower kills it, the same way taking a picture of a moment can ruin it altogether.”

Swift has notably kept comments off of her post to improve her mental health.

“I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥,” she wrote in Elle. “I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to ‘go die in a hole ho’ while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning.”

Photo: AL MESSERSCHMIDT/GETTY

From Fearful to "Fearless"

Though Swift is now known for her jaw-dropping stage presence, as a young singer she wrote that she would “get stage fright every time I walk onto a stage.”

“I wish it wasn’t so, but I can’t blame my mind for freaking out about performances,” she wrote in 2010, days before releasing Speak Now. “Criticism of my performances has been the biggest source of pain in my life.”

“I sometimes feel like my college degree is in acting like I’m ok when I’m not,” wrote a 20-year-old Swift.

But even as a burgeoning singer at just 13, she would get hate while on stage. During one performance, her guitar pick broke in half and fell while she was playing.

“There was this huge silence! It was awful! I had to bend over and pick it up in front of everyone!” she wrote next to the broken pick. “And while I was singing, this guy was shouting stuff like, ‘Go on, b*#@! Sing that country bulls#*%! Go on motherf—!.’ It was awful.”

Photo: SCOTT GRIES/GETTY IMAGES

Done with Dieting

In her diaries, she also candidly writes about sticking to a diet as a teen.

Soon after Thanksgiving 2006, she returned to Nashville to her “own comfy bed” and planned to go out to eat with her best friend Abigail Anderson during a day off.  

“Oh and I’m dieting again,” she wrote right after.

“Over the holidays I didn’t watch what I ate and man its [sic] so weird how fast I can gain or lose weight… It’s crazy,” she ended the note. “So I’m going to lose some now.”

Earlier this year, she wrote about finally being okay with gaining weight.

“I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body,” she wrote in Elle. “I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy.”

The “Daylight” singer also said that she’s constantly working on her body image.

“I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix,” she said. “I work on accepting my body every day.”

Photo: CHRISTOPHER POLK/GETTY IMAGES

"I'ma Let You Finish, But..."

“Ahh… the things that can change in a week…” wrote Swift in a Sept. 18, 2009 journal entry.

Five days had passed since Kanye West crashed Swift’s Video of the Year acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, but the whole ordeal was all she — and everyone else — could think about.

“If you had told me that one of the biggest stars in music was going to jump up onstage and announce that he thought I shouldn’t have won on live television, I would’ve said ‘That stuff doesn’t really happen in real life,’” she wrote.

“Well… apparently…. It does,” she ended the note.

Little did 19-year-old Swift know that West would cause more tumult in her life seven years later. In an August 2016 note, she simply wrote, “This summer is the apocalypse.”

The “apocalyptic” summer came when West referred to the singer as “that bitch”in his track “Famous” and featured a nude version of the “Shake It Off” singer in its accompanying video.

Then, Swift said she never approved of the lyric after his wife Kim Kardashianleaked a phone call conversation between the two singers.

“Being falsely painted as a liar when I was never given the full story or played any part of the song is character assassination,” she wrote then. That “Cruel Summer” ordeal would go on to inspire her sixth album, reputation.

Photo:  SPLASH NEWS

A Joe Alwyn “Love Story”

Like in Lover’s lyrics, Swift doesn’t hold back about her deep feelings for boyfriend Joe Alwyn in her personal diary.

Clearly writing about Alwyn, the singer confessed about wanting to keep their relationship under wraps as much as possible.

“I’m essentially based in London, hiding out trying to protect us from the nasty world that just wants to ruin things,” she wrote in a January 2017 note. “We have been together and no one has found out for 3 months now. I want it to stay that way because I don’t want anything about this to change or become too complicated or intruded upon.”

“But it’s senseless to worry about someday not being happy when I am happy now,” she concluded. “OK. Breathe.”

But Swift wasn’t always so sure about love being real — especially when it came to Valentine’s Day.

“I somehow feel like it’s my destiny to roll my eyes at happy couples and resent Valentine’s Day. I also feel like I’m the girl before ‘the one.’ I’m not ‘the one,’” she wrote at 19. “I’m the girl you think is the one for you, and when it doesn’t work out with me, you meet the next girl and realize she IS the one.”

And as a mere 13 year old, she imagined the first time she’d have her first kiss — and about being “such a romantic.”

“I just dream about looking into someone’s eyes and feeling something I’ve never felt before, you know?” she wrote. “I just never was able to put a face to my fantacy [sic]. But something tells me that my first kiss is really far away from happening!”

Photo:  LARRY BUSACCA/WIREIMAGE

The Night Before...

Before the 2014 Grammy Awards, Swift was confident her album Red would take home the biggest award of the night.

“It’s the middle of the night and I was at the Clive Davis party tonight which means… the Grammys are tomorrow,” she wrote. “Never have I felt so good about our chances. Never have I wanted something so badly as I want to hear them say ‘Red’ is the Album of the Year.”

Though she was up for four awards that year, Swift would head home empty handed.

Though she had won that award two years prior with Fearless, it wouldn’t be until her 2014 album 1989 that she’d take home the coveted prize again. In her 13-year career, Swift has won 10 Grammys from 32 nominations.

Photo:  MICHAEL LOCCISANO/FILMMAGIC

“This Might Be Worth Money Someday”

Though her diary entries are filled with some insight into the more complicated times in her life, the entries also feature some cute memories of her youth — including her middle school class schedule, some song lyrics and memories about listening to Sugarland for the first time.

Accompanied by drawings and the number 13, in her first journal entry, she signs her name and writes “(That could be worth money someday!! Just kidding hehe).”

Under “Journal #1,” a 13-year-old Swift writes a poem: “The world is as big as you make it / Never be shameful to fly / When a chance comes you should take it / May you never be scared of goodbye…”

After performing at a school talent show, Swift wrote: “I ❤ SCHOOL!”

Reminiscing on the grand day, Swift wrote, “I got a standing ovation and everything.”

People

[hvcy]

Undoubtedly Raw: Take on Lover

As I write this, it’s going to be the 3rd time I listen to the full album. To give a hint on how I reacted the first two times, let’s just say I panicked, I screamed, I cheered, just, all sorts of emotions were there.

I Forgot That You Existed: At first, before I hit play, I felt anxious. As the song progresses, I found myself just smiling. I love how she said “indifference”. It is a solid intro for an album; not a shocker but also not borderline forgettable.

It isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference.

Cruel Summer: I fucking love Jack Antonoff’s robotic backtrack vocals during the verses. Before the album was released, I expect the song to be some shady or even a sassy track. I’M NOT DISAPPOINTED; I’M SHOCKED. I love the bridge so much. The bridge snaps. I would repeat the bridge a hundred times. Definitely a level higher than “Blank Space”. I was surprised by the length of the track, but it felt fitting.

And I scream, "For whatever it's worth, I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?" He looks up, grinning like a devil.

Lover: No words for this track. It took me to another dimension of pink clouds, heart-eyed emojis, slow dancing with my own lover. Funny thing is I am with my own favorite person when I first listened to this, and I was just smiling the whole time to contain all of my emotions.

Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever?

The Man: This track receives a massive hype before the album release, and I’m just so glad that I didn’t expect anything from this. The hook surprised me, but the overall feel of the song is not for my personal spectrum. I enjoyed the bridge but the song as a whole is not for me. Lyrically, it’s appealing and controversial to the public. Would I be happy for this to be a single? Probably. But I wouldn’t want to repeat playing the track as much as the other tracks. Just: Holy shit, she went off!

What's it like to brag about raking in dollars and getting bitches and models? And it's all good if you're bad and it's okay if you're mad. If I was out flashing my dollars, I'd be a bitch, not a baller. They'd paint me out to be bad, so it's okay that I'm mad.

The Archer: The whole hype around the production spreading all over the Internet isn’t working for me. Around the time this was released as a promo single, I wasn’t myself, so it probably contributes to what I feel towards this song. As an album track, however, it fell flat. After my first listen on the whole album, this is one of the tracks I wouldn’t go back to listen to on a daily basis.

I've been the archer, I've been the prey. Who could ever leave me, darling, but who could stay?

I Think He Knows: A subtle visual. I love the verses, but the chorus not so much. It felt like a commercial song, but I get how it fits to the album.

"Where we gonna go?" I think he knows.

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince: NOW THIS IS A SOLID ONE. One word: ethereal. At first, I didn’t get the political references on this one. After my first listen, I went straight to the Genius website and my fan account on Twitter to get the whole point of this song. I was amazed by the whole concept of this song; how different styles managed to fit perfectly in this almost-4-minute track. This is my most favorite track on the album. Would I want this to be a single? Probably not. Usually when I listen to tracks that have deep storylines, I would visualize a music video or just portrayals of those excellent lyrics; I’d never want to ruin that concept for this song. One thing’s for sure: I would repeat this for months.

And I'll never let you go 'cause I know this is a fight that someday we're gonna win.

Paper Rings: Production-wise, this is a shocker. But the moment the chorus went in, I immediately loved this. When I feel sappy and shit, I would still listen to this. Whenever I’m home alone, I would listen to this, without a doubt. This is not a childish song at all. I believe the song has this sort of sound is because love will make you feel that being with that person is the most important thing in the world, and no material shiny thing would even compare to that feeling.

I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this. Darling, you're the one I want.

Cornelia Street: The secret sessioners ranked this track as their most favorite on the album prior of its release. I listen to this with my eyes closed, hands on my chest, trying to feel the words that she’s saying. When the post-bridge came in, and she said “I hope I never lose you.” that’s how it hit me. It hit me to the point that I have also a Cornelia Street in my life. I have a past relationship where I was the one who’s more attached than the other. We went to the theatre together, and after our relationship ended, I never wanted to go back to that same theatre again. We usually sit together in class during breaks, and after that I felt awkward just sitting with strangers. It’s just a feeling that you think you would never be prepared of; no matter how scared you are of the outcome, you just don’t want to go there.

I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends. That's the kinda heartbreak time could never mend.

Death By A Thousand Cuts: The introduction snaps! This is not my cup of tea at all, but I enjoyed this track at least. Again, Ms. Swift, with all the bridges of the tracks! Her and Antonoff’s bridges through the years are getting more and more well-thought-out.

My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust: tryna find a part of me you didn't take up. Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough, but I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts.

London Boy: A cute track. Similar thoughts with “I Think He Knows”. In the future, I hope I could also make a song about my favorite person telling everyone in the same way of appreciation Taylor exudes on this song.

They say home is where the heart is; But that's not where mine lives.

Soon You’ll Get Better: I know the background of this song prior to initial release, and I already knew this is going to be the hardest to listen to. But the lyrics of this is the most unexpected thing I’ve heard from the whole album. It feels like everyone who has a pain similar to Taylor’s can relate. Mine isn’t about family, or a specific loved one; I thought of myself. I fucking bawled my eyes out the first time I listened to this. I thought of listening to another person in my own point of view. I thought of somebody singing the song to me, telling me that I have to get better. I will be better soon. I will have a hard time repeating this song in the future, for sure. 

And I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there's no you?

False God: As I was just preparing myself after the disastrous outcome brought by the previous track to me, this sexy track came in. I wasn’t ready! First song came to mind was “So it Goes” of reputation. “So it Goes” is my most favorite track on rep the first time I listened to the album. I didn’t feel the same way to “False God” because of how it played while I’m still preparing for my emotional mess. Still, it’s a sexy track. A chill and not-so-subtle one.

They all warned us about times like this. They say the road gets hard and you get lost when you're led by blind faith, but we might just get away with it.

You Need to Calm Down: This is THE lead single. Out of the 4 songs that were released before the album release, this is the superior one. Miles far from (let’s talk about it later). Going back, this is a complete serve for all the people of our society, not just the community. Can you believe she took her legacy on a pedestal just to show her support to the LGBTQ+?

And I ain't tryna mess with your self-expression but I've learned a lesson that stressin' and obsessin' 'bout somebody else is no fun.

Afterglow: UGH. Fuck. I don’t know, man. Just listen to this track. I relate to this track so fucking much. I am that person whom I think apologizes too much, even in the small things in life. But to think of it, it’s not wrong to admit you’re wrong on a situation where you’ve both argued or misunderstood each other. Or when that person is upset because of your actions, and you can’t do anything but to suck it up and face your fears; face the reality that even you can do stupid things. This is the song that says “Hey, I know I do stuff sometimes, but I’m willing to work it out: all because of you.” FUCK THIS.

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you. I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you.

ME!: I’m a very kind person, hell I love Taylor to death, but I would agree with the general public that this is the worst lead single of her legacy. This deserves to be at least a second or third single of the album, but not the one to jumpstart a highly anticipated successor of a dark era from the once America’s Sweetheart. It didn’t deserve, however, the disrespect it gets just because of its underwhelming performance on the charts.

And when we had that fight out in the rain, you ran after me and called my name. I never wanna see you walk away.

It’s Nice to Have a Friend: I personally believe you need to be in a specific mood to get along with the vibe of this track. On my initial listen, it sparked an interest to me to repeat it again afterwards, but it just stands there. Nothing interesting.

Call my bluff, call you "babe". Have my back every day; feels like home.

Daylight: Let me just say, I don’t wanna listen to other artists now that I got Taylor. Perfect ender. I would even pick this more than “Begin Again”, and *sigh* “Clean”. It’s perfect, need I say more?

I once believed love would be burning red but it's golden like daylight.