#instances i mentioned from canon BAFFLED me so much that i had to make sense of it)

[cutie--q]

do y’all ever think about how the scientists used a sock puppet as a stand in for pinky’s dad? coupled with pinky believing his dad is “incapable of feeling” and “never opened up,” do you ever wonder if pinky, as a child, went through an experiment similar to harlow’s monkey experiment? perhaps a similar, but tamer, experiment? maybe the experiment was ruined because he eventually realized it wasn’t his real dad.

(if you haven’t heard of harlow’s monkey experiment before and want to learn about it, i must warn you that it was a disturbing, inhumane experiment, and the results of it include descriptions of body mutilation/bodily harm, self harm, emotional neglect, and isolation. please be aware it is unsettling to read about.)

[gar-trek]

please share what you have to say about food cubes!!

I was feeling a little apprehensive about releasing the TOS Food Document™ because it is so damn long…. But since you asked anon

DISCLAIMER:

This is focused solely on food as it appears in the original series. Whatever explanation of food synthesizer/replicator that may come in later series does to apply here. I am also not a Star Trek expert. I’m sure there is some super fan out there who knows everything there is to know about food in TOS, but that person is not me. This is just my thoughts as I’ve observed instances where food is shown or mentioned in TOS. If my thought process is flawed, or I make some claims that don’t really make sense, I am sorry. The food canon is very complicated and vague, so this is me just trying my best to make sense of it. I’d also like to mention I did not explicitly cover the meal scene in What Are Little Girls Made Of? Or the ice cream scene from And The Children Shall Lead, but I do make reference to them. I’m sure there are other food scenes I didn’t get to cover here, so if I’m missing a few pieces, I’m sorry.

Anyway… let’s get into it!

The original series, food, and other things that keep me up at night

I don’t care about continuity or plot holes in Star Trek: The Original Series, and if I did, I think the show would become rather unwatchable. It’s not about what happens to get us from plot point A to B, but more important that we do get there (ie, who cares how or why Spock’s brain has been removed from his body, it’s more important that we do get it back inside).

This being said, there is one aspect to TOS that baffles me to no end, and its something I just cannot overlook: the food. Food, the entire concept of it as it appears in TOS haunts me. Each time they show or mention food it makes less and less sense. It’s a never-ending nightmare and I spend every day trying to understand what goes on in the Enterprise Cafeteria. Today I would like to explore a couple food instances on TOS, and hopefully make a little sense of what is happening.

The first chilling incident: The Man Trap (S1E2) - Rand is a thief

In this episode, we see Yeoman Rand on her way to deliver Sulu his meal. She is carrying a tray of colored food cubes (which is what I will be referring to them as here, because there is no official name) and what we can assume to be some kind of alien variant of celery (earth celery with some red crap stuck on top). While waiting for the turbo lift, Rand eats one of the celery sticks intended for Sulu. My question is why. Like literally why does this happen. Sulu never mentions it (maybe he doesn’t notice). She never mentions it to him, which means we can assume she doesn’t want him to know. So why is Rand stealing food? Does she not get enough to eat? Is the limits for how much you get to eat on the Enterprise that strict you need to turn to thievery to get a proper meal? and if that the case, she’s shorting Sulu on his allotted food. In this same scene, we see Ensign Green (who is really a salt-sucking monster) make a grab for the tray as if he too is going to steal Sulu’d food. However, Rand slaps his hand away and asks “who do you think you are?”, a hypocritical statement considering Rand is also in the act of stealing food. So Rand, I must pose the same question to you. This scene has no resolution, so any interpretation is up to the viewer. Whether you think Rand's actions make her a girlboss or a thief, is up to you, however, one thing is undeniably true: Rand eats food off other people's plates.

Other food-related things of note in this episode is that Sulu sprinkles salt on the celery sticks. This means they are either bland or that's just his personal taste. Also, when Rand gives him his tray, he says “may the great bird of the galaxy bless your planet” and this has nothing really to do with food, I just thought it was kind of badass.

(Sulu’s food tray with 3 celery instead of 4 because Rand ate one)  

Incident two: Charlie X (S1E3) - synthetic meatloaf

In Charlie X, we see Captain Kirk make this comment in passing:

“Today on earth it is Thanksgiving, if the crew has to eat synthetic meatloaf I want it to look like turkey.”

This statement leaves us with a couple undeniable truths:

1. Meatloaf is a meal option on the Enterprise.

2. It is synthetic, meaning the meatloaf may not contain any meat at all.

3. It is not shaped like turkey, but it is possible to do so.

if the meatloaf served on the Enterprise is synthetic, then it very well could be made out of the same stuff the colored food cubes are made out of. Also, (and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt) since we never hear anyone refer to the colored food cubes by name, they could literally be the “synthetic meatloaf” that Kirk is referring to here. In this case, the term synthetic meatloaf would not mean a synthetic version of the popular American dish meatloaf but instead loafs of synthetic meat. Since we do not know exactly what synthetic meat looks like, it very well could be brightly colored cubes.

In either case, Kirk is asking them to turn synthetic food from one shape to another. We understand this is possible through the food synthesizer, however, if all the food they eat on the Enterprise is synthetic anyway, then why did Kirk specifically mention synthetic meatloaf in the shape of turkey? would the turkey not instead be made out of synthetic turkey? why must the synthetic turkey be made specifically out of meatloaf? isn’t every single food that comes out of the food synthesizer made out of the same thing? It would have made more sense for Kirk to say “it's thanksgiving so can you made the food synthesizers produce turnkey?”. However, Kirk is like, a really cool guy, so it is possible that the meatloaf comment is just a fun joke. Either way, we know that synthetic meatloaf is a standard menu item on the enterprise, yet we have never seen anyone consume it.

Incident 3: The Corbomite Maneuver (S1E11) - Green leaves

In this episode, Kirk goes in for a physical, and Doctor McCoy reports that the captain is 2 pounds overweight. In response to this, the Doctor changes the captain's dietary card to help him lose a little wight (🙄). We later see the captain served a “dietary salad” in place of his usual meals. The existence of dietary salad is interesting for many reasons. Most importantly, we understand that dietary salad is somehow better for you than what is usually served on the Enterprise. It most likely has a lower caloric intake than say, colored food cubes. However, as discussed before, most if not all the food on the Enterprise is synthetic. If the food is created, and not naturally made, then one can assume its caloric value can be controlled. Would it not be possible to make a lower-calorie version of colored food cubes? one would assume that the cubes are made to have the perfect amount of nutrients to satisfy yet keep humans a healthy weight if they are in fact a form of synthetic man-made food. How would the captain overeat, if portions are pre-determined by dietary cards? Is Kirk somehow going rouge and consuming food that is not created by the food synthesizer (the captain's secret cookie stockpile??).

The existence of this salad also begs another question: is it synthetic as well, or are they growing fresh salad on the Enterprise? We do know that they are able to grow things on the ship, however, there has never been any discussion of growing crops specifically for consumption. If this is the case though, it may explain why we often see crew members eating celery sticks. Perhaps things like celery sticks and dietary salads are grown on the Enterprise, but all other food is synthetically created. In which case, who’s job is it to harvest food and prepare it for meals? Did Rand have to put that dietary salad together all on her own?

One more interesting point about the Salad: When Kirk first receives it, he asks

“what in the devil is this? Green leaves?”

which prompts Rand to explain that it’s a salad. It is very possible that Kirk genuinely has no idea what a salad is. He may have never had one, nor heard of the food in his entire life. Later we see him eat the salad with his hands, which further proves the point that captain kirk doesn't know what salad is. Why captain Kirk would somehow have no knowledge of salad is up to speculation.

Incident 4: The conscience of the king (S1E14) - Cry over spilled milk 

In this episode, Lieutenant Riley is served colored food cubes and a glass of what appears to be milk. There isn’t much of significance here, other than the fact we know it is possible to get a glass of milk with your meal on the Enterprise. Unlike Sulu, Riley doesn’t have any celery sticks but seems to have a larger serving of colored food cubes as compensation. We also learn that milk is served in a large glass, something that seems very impractical on a starship.

Riley proves my point moments later when he spills milk on a control panel and shatters the glass. This begs the question, who is going to clean that up?

Incident 5: Tomorrow is Yesterday (S1E20) - Chicken noodle soup

In this episode, the Enterprise accidentally beams a 60′s army man abroad their ship (for the second time). This random chad ensign asks the man if he’s hungry because he’s a troll I guess and he wanted to flex their cool future food machine. The army captain guy is like sure, I could go for some chicken soup right now (a very natural response to being beamed onto a spaceship for the first time). Chad ensign has like three cards in front of him, and I guess one of them just happens to be chicken soup because he puts it in the machine and the soup appears. Grant it, we never actually get to see the soup with out own eyes, but the army captain does seem to be pretty convinced that it is chicken soup just by the smell. This opens up a couple possibilities:

-The food synthesizer can make almost anything you want, and the card is maybe like a very broad category, like a dinner card, and when you put it in you can pick any dinner food you’d like.

or

-The food synthesizer can only make what is specific to each card, and the ensign just got extremely lucky and happened to have a card that was the exact food the army captain wanted.

More evidence, which we will go over later, points more towards the theory that one card is equal to one specific type of food. In this case, it is unclear how the synthesizer food cards are distributed, or how you get your pick of what food you would like. It is also more likely that options would be limited. This does make sense, however, it makes this scene very confusing, as, as I’ve pointed out, the ensign had a very limited number of cards, but exactly what the captain had asked for. Pure luck? what mind game was that Chad ensign trying to play with the poor man who was abducted from earth... we will never know.

One more very interesting thing is established here: The transporter room has a food synthesizer. Why this is is purely up to speculation. In my mind, having a food synthesizer in the transporter room would be like having a full kitchen where you park your car. Seems pretty useless, but maybe the guys in the transporter room requested easy access to snacks? Why the transporter room would get this special privilege is again, up to speculation.

Incident 6: Space Seed (S1E23) - Dinner with Khan

In Space Seed a special dinner is put together to welcome Khan onto the Enterprise. We see that they are being served colored food cubes and celery sticks. Doctor McCoy walks into the dining room and comments about how the display is “very impressive”. However, this seems like a very unusual comment considering we are shown the only food we have ever seen consumed on the Enterprise. What exactly makes this food “impressive” as compared to other celery sticks and colored food cubes? Is there some way to tell this particular food is better that we don’t know about, but is obvious to everyone on the Enterprise?

There is also a chance that Doctor McCoy is just very easily impressed with food, and upon seeing any food spread he is likely to comment in wonder. Note the way Scotty is looking at McCoy. His face is a mixture of confusion, judgment, and pity. Perhaps Scotty is thinking to himself “bruh, it’s literally just colored food cubes chill out man,”. There is no explanation as to why Scotty is giving McCoy such a look, so this very well could be the case. Even though it is a silly explanation, I don’t think it should be ruled out that one of McCoy’s personality traits is being overly excited about food of any kind.  

Incident 7: Journey to Babel (S2E10) Party food

Much like in Space Seed, in this episode, we get to see a meal put together for a special occasion. All the diplomates are getting down at a mixer where a spread of food has been provided. These snacks seem very similar to colored food cubes, however I do think they differ. They may be the same type of food, but different in some way. In which case colored food cubes is an overarching category of food, and here we see two different types. The smaller more brightly colored cubes can be put in drinks, though if this is what you are supposed to do with them, or just the preference of that one alien species I do not know. Though I must point out, we have seen colored food cubes served in brown sauce in What are Little Girls Made Of? (S1E8) so it is not completely unheard of to have your colored food cubes served soggy.

The other type of colored food cubes we see are a lot larger and more pair shaped (in reality, they probably were just skinned pairs dipped in food coloring, but for this essay, it’s important that we completely ignore the fact there is another life outside of Star Trek). Now to me, these are very interesting, because the dull color and apparent texture are a lit more similar to standard colored food cubes we have seen thus far. I would even go o far to say that this is the same exact food, just sans the cubed shape. So really, standard colored food cubes are just the cubed version of whatever this food is. This, again, is just speculation, but it does point us to the fact that colored food cubes are not naturally cubed (I’m going somewhere with this is promise)

Incident 8: The Trouble With Tribbles (S2E15) The trouble with Chicken sandwichs

Here we see Kirk attempting to order a chicken sandwich and coffee. What he gets instead is a plate full of tribbles,  hilarity ensues. I think this scene is interesting because we can add to our list of food items that are on the menu at the enterprise cafeteria: chicken sandwich. However, this is another food item we do not see. There is no way of knowing if the Enterprise's version of a chicken sandwich is what we would imagine a chicken sandwich to be. Much like the meatloaf and the soup, because we do not see it, there is no way of knowing if the food exists in the way that we as 21st-century people understand it. The events of TOS take place more than 200 years in our future, so to speculate that food could change a lot during that time isn’t a stretch. I don’t know, just some food for thought (lol)

Incident 9: By Any Other Name (S2E22) Living deliciously

In this episode, an alien taking the form of a human enjoys some colored food cubes. He makes a comment about how they are good they are while enthusiastically eating his food. This is a very important moment because it tells us that colored food cubes do taste good. In fact, they taste really good. Just before he eats, the alien comments on how humans could just take pills that give them all their nutrient needs and give up food completely (think the Jetsons cartoon). On the Enterprise, they do not eat just to live, but because they enjoy their food as well. This tells us that colored food cubes are at the very least, worth eating, and at the best, very delicious.

One more interesting thing: Spock is eating some kind of soup while everyone else enjoys colored food cubes. This could be a Vulcan preference, however, we know that Spock is vegetarian. This could be alluding to the fact that Colored Food Cubes are made out of meat.

Conclusion:

Yes, I asked a lot more questions than I answered. There are some things that make absolutely no sense to me, primarily, the food synthesizer and diet cards. Some evidence points to the fact that the food synthesizer can make practically anything (see Tomorrow is Yesterday, And the Children Shall Lead). However, one dietary card is equal to one specific food, which would mean they would have to produce a lot of these dietary cards if there is many meal options. How these cards are distributed, and what their limitations are, we do not know. And although we do not know the limits of what the food synthesizer can create, we do know these food have been served on the enterprise at least at one point:

-colored food cubes (variety)

-celery

-synthetic meatloaf

-synthetic turkey (Thanksgiving Special)

-Dietary Salad

-Milk

-Chicken Soup

-Chicken Sandwich

-Mystery Soup

-Ice cream (variety of flavors)

All of this food (except for maybe the dietary salad and celery) are synoptically created, so what they are actually made up of, I cannot say.

And finally, I would like to make a point about the colored food cubes. I think upon first inspection one would assume colored food cubes is a dish created specifically for space travel (think the food created for modern-day astronauts to consume in space). However, we learned that there is possibly a variety of colored food cube dishes. Since there is such a wide variety of food on the Enterprise, why would they also need to create a food specifically for space travel? I think that colored food cubes are actually a common dish, not intended specifically for space travel. Perhaps it was an alien food that got popular on earth, maybe it was a dish developed later in Earth's history by humans. I can only speculate, but I do think it is more than just boring space food. Everyone seems to have a preference for it, so I think it’s a dish you can eat over and over again and not get sick of. What colored food cubes taste like is completely up to speculation, but I would assume they are a savory food, considering we often see people enjoying them for their main meal.

I still have more to say, but for the sake of everyone, I’ll end it there. This was a lot of thought dumping, so if some of the things I said made no sense at all, I’m sorry. I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on TOS food! please share with me what you think colored food cubes would taste like :)

[literallink]

Not sure if anyone has asked already, but I would love to learn more about your SUPER BIG little linked universe warriors fanfiction. :)

HEEHOOHEEHOO OHOHOHOHO YOUVE DONE IT! YOUVE INDULGED ME! I AM ABSOLUTELY VIBRATING WITH SO MANY IDEAS MWAH I LOVE YOU I AM KISSIM YOU ON THE MOUTH!!/p

n ee ways WAHOOGA this "little" idea started around 1 month ago. Upon finding out that Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition is NOT canon BOOOOOOOO i have decided that fuck it if hyrule warriors isn't canon ANYTHING is canon. or rather, you can do anything in hyrule warriors and it would be supposedly canon in its own universe.

and that's how my most genius idea began: "Warriors is Hylia's OC Do Not Steal," the series. Wait no come baCK I SWEAR ITS GOOD-

"Warriors is Hylia's OC Do Not Steal" is a series about Warriors being absolutely ANYTHING, mostly due to Hylia's interference. It's like those "Prince Wild" or "Legend is Fable's brother" fics, except those are more noticeable trends while Warriors isn't really worked upon beyond the canon events inside his game. Aside from that really good Storyteller!Warriors fic, amazing Mailman!Warriors series and your local wingfic Warriors is pretty much a dot on the Linked Universe AUs. While yes there are LU aus including the whole chain, it's hard to find a Warriors-centric one that wasn't last year or 2020. So god bless silvercaptain they deserve this mention.

To touch more on the WHODNS series (a working title send help) ill have to explain the series within the series first. Basically, I am going to put Warriors into so many situations and some of them will end up getting me so hyperfixated that I will be forced by my own hand to make a series for it. I actually have a series inside WHODNS in the works right now called "Seventeen," I might make a masterpost about all my ideas sooner or later. You're free to ask for now though!

Seventeen is a Warriors-centric series wherein his connection with the royal family and therefore the Zeldas seem to be more intimate than one would think. And no, not THAT kind of intimate. All ships are the canonwise ones currently and never the main focus of the story.

The Zeldas play a somewhat important role in this story, considering the fact that they're actually joining the chain for their adventure. Why? Connected to the plot I can't say shit (..I need help to come up with a name for a group of Zeldas though).

Here's a sneak peek of the first work in the Seventeen series called "I Used to Kid Myself in this Dress." Yes. It's based off of the MARINA and the Diamonds song.

The portals are acting weird. And by that, they’re forcing all the Zeldas to join the chain on their quest to…no one’s really sure, actually. Every Link agrees that they’re happy to finally have their lover, friend or even sister by their side. Except Warriors.

Because his Zelda isn’t even with them at all.

Or 9 times the Zeldas had a less than pleasant interaction with our resident “ladies’ man,” and one time a Zelda actually took the time to understand him and break that stereotype

Not my favorite work of the series (I have like, 2 more), but it IS the first one. The one after this is called "Rise of a King (Fall of a Queen)," which has my favorite summary so far. Both are currently in the works! "I Used to Kid Myself in this Dress" will have 10 chapters, while "Rise of a King (Fall of a Queen)" are still undecided.

Maybe if people like the idea I'll release the summary for "Rise of a King (Fall of a Queen)."

Alright! Time to rant. Warriors' game is a GOLDMINE for multiple situations. As sad as it is that its not canon it baffles me that no one has thought of the possibilities for it in writing (I have a post for it right here! Although it's more or less just cluttered thoughts).

I hope this post sums it up! Sorry if there are instances where my words don't make sense haha, I'm just really happy that someone bothered to even like my post. My brain was just telling me to write EVERYTHING down but that would spoil the surprise. Have a great day!

[silenthillmutual]

daniil dankovsky is autistic and here’s why:

because i’m autistic and i said so

i kid, obviously. what sort of autistic person would i be if i wasn’t read to back up my silly little claim with an overly long post of evidence a total of three people will read? (hi ned hi jordan hi raven :))

i’m aware that this is cringey because adults aren’t supposed to have autism or interests or talk about either of those things, but this is my blog and you are free to block me if the cringe is too much for you.

these are some things i picked out from the DSMV’s diagnostic criteria, found on the CDC website:

deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect

abnormal social approach

abnormalities in eye contact and body language

defecits in […] understand[ing] relationships

difficults adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts

repetitive motor movements or speech

rigid thinking patterns

highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input

there’s also some misc. stuff not in the diagnostic criteria (though it may be in the adir or gars-3) i thought was worth noting.

important note from the diagnostic criteria: “symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning”. i’d say that in his case, they do.

spoilers for pathologic classic, pathologic 2, and the marble nest

deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

in bachelor route of classic, daniil

seems completely oblivious to eva making advances toward him, to the point where she complains to him that he’s ignoring her in favor of asking questions about simon.

seems surprised when people mention maria being in love with him, despite outright asking her a couple of times if she’s flirting with him.

not to mention the fact that he asks her that at all.

his inability or resistence to making connections with others is typically considered one of his character flaws. although it is not outright stated in the dsmv criteria, one trait of autism and other neurodivergencies is “having extremely high or extremely low empathy” - and daniil, despite being a doctor, lacks empathy. which is not to say he doesn’t care at all. i think that he does, but is terrible at showing it.

for example, this scene from marble nest:

Sticky: You must feel terrible… right? That’s fine. I forgive you. You just got confused… Adults always do. Daniil: Oh yes, adults are always occupied with the most asinine nonsense. Like feeling anxious that a bunch of urchins keep roaming the streets, putting themselves in mortal danger!

daniil clearly cares about sticky’s wellbeing (and the wellbeing of the kids looking after him, though he’s not cognizant that he’s in a coma), but his way of showing it is… kind of by being a jerk. all of which bleeds into the next item on the list

reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect

he has no problem sharing his interests, but in both pathologic classic & pathologic 2, daniil speaks with a flat affect - which is to say that he lacks intonation. the words we read him saying may be dramatic or come across as passionate, but the actual voice reading his lines is very monotone, which may contribute to being read as lacking emotion.

and in pathologic 2, he has a voiceline lamenting not telling “her” (eva?) how he felt

in marble nest, he’s teased by the tragedians for being “heartless”:

Tragedian: Maybe. Possibly. But it’s useless to explain to a heartless man. …Take heart, Excellency! If you ever find it, that is. And then come back to us… Even though it all sounds like a rather implausible turn of events.

abnormal social approach

daniil has a tendency to say things that are tactless, odd, or just socially inappropriate. i probably don’t need to point out too many examples, as i think it’s fairly obvious - these are the things people love to pick at when it comes to him, but i do have a few in mind. like, for example, from haruspex route in classic:

Haruspex: What of the antibodies essential for making a serum? Bachelor: I don’t know for sure yet, I’ll send you a report in a few hours. Don’t go about cutting people’s hearts out for your panacea until then. It’s a… controversial solution, you know… Haruspex: What?! Do you even hear yourself? Bachelor: Sorry! I meant no offence… it was just a momentary lapse of… well, you know. Haruspex: None taken.

until artemy points out, daniil doesn’t seem to be aware he just said something rude. even with therapy, picking up on social cues doesn’t come naturally to people with autism, so we tend to say things that come across as rude or strange to others without realizing we’ve put them off. we tend to lack a “filter” that tells us when things are or are not appropriate to say. even when we may recognize it, the rules may not make any sense to us. for example, it makes very little sense that allistics favor politeness over honesty.

i think the glaringly obvious abnormal social approach in pathologic 2 is him threatening to hold artemy at gunpoint to get in the house, which is just overkill, but my personal favorite comes on day 7, when he’s complaining about the orders aglaya has given him. artemy stops him to say he doesn’t understand what daniil wants from him, to which daniil replies:

From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

to daniil, they were just having a normal conversation. but some part of this - his tone or his words or maybe even his body language - didn’t give artemy the impression that this was supposed to be a regular conversation. (we could, in fact, attribute the same idea to artemy here; why didn’t artemy pick up that this was a normal conversation? the reason i count it towards daniil is because artemy doesn’t seem to have this problem with anybody else. for the record: i don’t think artemy is neurotypical either.)

abnormalities in eye contact and body language

it’s hard to get proof of this in video games, but i will say i think it’s very funny that in pathologic 2 daniil’s idle animations are “pacing”, “sitting like he desperately wants to start bouncing his knees but is stopping himself from doing it”, and “standing unnaturally still” - but there you go. i don’t know anything about making gifs, or i’d gif this one specific talk menu idle he does where he holds eye contact for about three seconds, looks away uncomfortably, and then looks back out of the corner of his eyes.

deficits in […] understand[ing] relationships

mostly examples from his route in classic:

when the army arrives, he can claim to block that aglaya, whom he’s known for two days, is his best friend

he seems baffled by the fact that everone is smitten with maria and working with her, and seems equally baffled by the idea that she’s smitten with him

despite eva implying on day two that she is in a relationship with andrey, is completely blindsided by the revelation on day 6, asking him, “How in the world is she ‘your woman’?”

i’d also like to use his sign-off on his letter to artemy, day 2 of the haruspex route - he signs it as “Your friend (hopefully)”. i know i’m not the only autistic person who used to ask people if we were friends or not. pro tip, if you’ve never done this: don’t. it really weirds people out.

difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts

the fact that he stands out is blatantly obvious even in pathologic 2 and in the haruspex route of classic. people will comment on him being an outsider and mention that they don’t trust him. but you can watch it happen in real time in his route, because he never fully acclimates to the town. he says something about this to aglaya on day 7:

Bachelor: Was there any particularly notable backstory? I’m deadly tired of all these people. They’re inhuman. They tell the future, believe in walking zombies, and die in all manners of painfully abnormal ways. Inquisitor: Your line of t hinking is obviously falacious - and I was implying something rather mundane. I promise you, no one can really tell the future around here: and neither are deaths inspired by third parties uncommon. Mysterious phenomenons do occur here sometimes… but hardly more often than anywhere else.

actually, there’s an example of him saying something similar to artemy on day 5 in pathologic 2:

Damn this town… I feel I’m trapped in a nightmare. The absurdity of it all… There’s no one to talk to. Everyone’s so volatile. They all seem to want to help, but… their help is worse than hostility.

some of this can be explained by the town’s strangeness, but keep in mind that the first instance happens after he’s been there and involved in the ongoing for an entire week, and the second at nearly a week in. clearly he’s struggling to adjust to the changes.

it’s also worth noting that his reason for fleeing the town in the nocturnal ending?

I have no place here anymore.

This town is no longer mine. No longer human. No longer rational. It doesn’t… accept the likes of me anymore.

repetitive motor movements or speech

it’s harder to see the motor movements in classic, but remember how i pointed out earlier that he paces? pacing is a form of stimming. murky, who is canonically autistic, can also be found pacing as one of her idle animations. having stock phrases for characters to speak when you come near them already ticks off the box on “repetitive speech”, but that by itself doesn’t really cover what they’re talking about - echolalia.

but you know what this does fit with? “‘quoting’ things(communication is HARD! sometimes we need to take shortcuts and use someone else’s words)“

i’ll get to the more obvious example in a minute - i want to point out something that happens very early in pathologic 2 first. you know how you first meet him and artemy accuses daniil of trying to guilt-trip him by asking if it’s true that isidor would still be alive if artemy had come sooner? keep in mind that he spoke to rubin first. and this is what rubin says, when you get a chance to talk to him:

Yesterday, I was told you had killed your father.

That’s not far from the truth, Burakh.

You betrayed him. You left when he needed you most. He cried out for your help, but you didn’t care. He was in peril, and you were too busy elsewhere, He believed, truly believed, that your arrival would put an end to his troubles. And, as always, he was right.

i’m not saying this was necessarily the game’s intent, but it’s entirely possible daniil is parroting back to artemy exactly what rubin said to him.

now, for what you’re probably expecting in this section: the latin. people love to refer to his use of latin as “random”, so let’s clear that up:

it is not latin daniil has made up. with the exception of latin that is mispelled in the game’s texts, all of them are proverbs or otherwise common sayings. you can find most of them on the wikipedia list of latin phrases, or through a 3-second google search.

he’s a doctor. him having taken latin isn’t anymore strange than a lawyer taking latin. in fact, if you pay attention, artemy also took latin; this is implied when artemy tells him he’s always sucked at it.

his uses of latin actually aren’t random at all. what he says fits the situation, and sometimes is used in place of him having to come up with something to say on his own.

prime example:

Forget it, Burakh. I have a splitting headache. If you have no urgent business, then we’ll talk later. Later, later… Qui non proficit, deficit.

qui non proficit, deficit - he who does not advance, loses ground. in other words, “i’m sorry, but i really do need to keep working.” one of his voice lines.

as for why he doesn’t translate the latin: it probably wouldn’t even occur to him to. these are not obscure sayings. the utopians all have a certain degree of education - what would he need to translate them for?

this bleeds into something that isn’t really mentioned, but that i’ve found i have a lot of trouble with in everyday life. autistic people have a tendency to either overexplain (and then have everyone get mad at you because they feel you’re being condescending) or underexplain (and have everyone get mad at you because you haven’t explained anything). the latin would be a case where it feels like a justified underexplanation. you’ll notice that when it comes to anything scientific, he tends to do the reverse, and overexplain. this also happens in classic, whether artemy has asked him to clarify or not.

rigid thinking patterns

the thing i had marked for this was simply his strict adherence to western medical practices and refusal to acknowledge the supernatural, even when it seems obvious - he has a conversation in his route in classic with yulia about this, and that is in fact how he manages to get to her: by asking saburov if there are any other logical skeptics in town. it should be noted they seem to be breaking with this in pathologic 2, where one of his voicelines is “I’m no positivist. There are things in this world beyond our mundane perception.” i have no idea where they’re planning on going with that.

there’s also a quote floating somewhere around twitter about him having been raised by a military man, and militaries tend to enforce very rigid routines. you could say the same thing of block - who (in classic at least) i also have my suspicions about.

highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

special interests. the one that should obviously come to mind is thanatology, though i would argue latin if not classics in general is a special interest of his as well - in addition to his usage of latin, he also references pericles in the marble nest and was probably refering to the roman occupation of haruspicy in addition to augurs in the same text. he also makes references to shakespeare more than once in both marble nest and pathologic 2.

hyper- or hyperoreactivity to sensory input

i don’t have much written down for this one but there seem to be several places in classic especially where he asks npcs to stop shouting at him. we don’t really have the privilege to know their volume or how they’re interacting with him, but i think it’s also worth noting that he’s the only one of the healers who wears gloves. in pathologic 2 he’s the only named character i can think of who wears them at all. his thing in the lucid dream about the brain being “a border”? gloves are his border, as is his jacket, which may be worn to cut down on sensory issues.

he will also sometimes seem to “overreact” to the situation at hand - such as in classic, when some dogheads mispeak and say that daniil is going to “sterilize” them, and instead of understanding that they must have mispoken, freaks out over the idea that they think they’re going to be… well… sterilized. or in haruspex route, when his reaction to the inquisitor arriving is to threaten suicide.

miscellaneous

he never goes anywhere without that carpet bag. we don’t see it in pathologic 2, but we do hear about it and he doesn’t let it go for a second in classic - not even in the cutscenes where he’s using the microscope. his bag could be a comfort item.

“getting very attached to things like inanimate objects” could work for the bag - but you know what it actually fits the bill much more obviously? the polyhedron. in the haruspex route he recognizes that it’s a lost cause, but he’s still too attached to it to let it go.

in classic at least, daniil is absolutely terrible at lying. most autistic people either are not good at lying, or feel uncomfortable or anxious with having to lie. when he’s asked by yulia and the kids in the polyhedron to lie to block (for different reasons) he’s clearly uncomfortable with the idea that it’ll work. and when it actually comes time to come up with a way to lie to block about why he needs five rifles, your options are to either buckle and tell him the truth, or simply say that you need them for “self-defense”. block believes that you’re not lying to him, but daniil can’t come up with any embeleshments to explain why he needs what he’s asking for.

Commander: Are you hiding something from me? Bachelor: No.

he comes across as naive to other characters. in classic, capella has a voiceline saying, “The Bachelor is not smart. Intelligent, yes… but not smart.” in Pathologic 2, Daniil complains that Aglaya takes him for “a useless dreamer”. he’s also easily used by the Kains to fulfill their endgame in classic.

my final, and absolute favorite: he takes things way too literally. autistic people (and adhd people, from my understanding) have a hard time differentiating jokes and sarcasm. so my favorite moment in marble nest is a case of him taking that earlier advice - to “take heart” literally, by bringing the tragedians a literal human heart:

Tragedian: Oh… Excellency. What a sordid sight! Sorry for underestimating you. You definitely do have… how shall I put it… a creative touch. But this is pure madness. You can’t take things so literally! Daniil: You wanted me to come back to you with an open heart. Well, here I am. …It looked too fitting to be a coincidence.

your mind map, after this, updates to say “I misunderstood the tragedians.”

conclusion

people don’t stop being autistic with age and i think he’s a good example of what it’s like to be in your late 20s and be autistic. i’m sure i missed things as i haven’t finished haruspex route of classic yet and there may just be some other things he does or says that i missed! if anyone has anything to add they think fits i would love to know, thank you for your time :)

[nadziejastar]

Xemnas: Tron is a digital entity, so why would he be any different? He obeys the rules of this world. Sora--what about you?

Sora: Me?

Xemnas: Your heart, memories, your data, and your dreams. The bits and bytes that have made up your life so far--can you say for sure they are not just copies of someone else's?

Sora: Yes! My memories and feelings belong to me.

Xemnas: You had better check.

Haha, yeah I’d love it if it was retconned to just be a false memory, though I agree it is unlikely. It honestly sounds more plausible too, ya know? It could have been a memory planted using the Datascape. Or it could even have been something poor Isa’s tormented mind concocted in order to block out his trauma.

It’s kind of funny that the song playing in the background of the Subject X scene is “Eternal Moments”. That was basically Lea and Isa’s theme in BBS. It played during the scene where they met Ven. Lea told Ven they were friends and to get it memorized. Lea said he wanted to live forever in people’s memories, and Isa said he’d never forget Lea. Lea met Ven one time, but he still remembered him 10 years later. But with Subject X they aren’t even sure if their memories of their “friend” are even real. Yeah, such a close friend...

Xemnas: Make certain the box's contents match what's on the label...since you have been chosen.

Sora: Chosen for what

Yong Xehanort: You think this is the realm of dreams, but there, you are mistaken. Data does not dream, cannot dream. This world is real. You haven't the slightest idea where you are--that you have already wandered off the path.

I still think Subject X was just a tweaked version of Isa’s backstory. After Saïx said he might have just imagined Subject X he didn’t sound that concerned about it or the fact that he probably wasted his life following Xehanort for nothing. He just said he “awakened to a new purpose”. Oh well, I’ll just focus on becoming stronger, lol. Whatever. We all know people don’t just randomly “awaken to a new purpose”. Xehanort assigns them their purpose.

Who knows. Maybe the “imaginary” person was supposed to be Lea originally. If Isa was Subject X, his memory would have been extremely fragmented. Maybe Xehanort was able to convince him that Lea never existed. He was just someone Isa imagined. Or his memory of Lea was just created in the Datascape or something. Roxas’s final straw was finding out that his best friends never existed---they were just data. Maybe that was the final straw to break Isa mentally. That’s when he “awakened to a new purpose”. In other words, Isa went to the Realm of Seep, then Saïx (Xehanort’s heart and mind) took over. 

Had she been moved? Had we simply imagined her? Lea and I knew there was only one way to be certain. And so we stand before the castle gates today, not as trespassing children but in order to become Ansem the Wise’s newest apprentices.

I dunno. But I just cannot get over the fact that even in canon, Saïx/Isa thought that he imagined this girl. And it was not mentioned once, but TWICE! He thought he might have been imagining her even when they were kids, LOL! Honestly, I almost thought this girl was purposely written to seem retconned and shoehorned in at that point. It was one of the worst exposition dumps I’ve ever seen. EVER. Hey remember that girl we were reaaaally close friends with, but never mentioned until JUST now? The one we joined the bad guys for? Are you sure she really existed, bro?

I was so baffled that the game was telling me in one breath that this girl was sooo important to Isa that he sacrificed everything for her. Yet in the next breath…he wasn’t sure if she even existed. I mean, what the hell!? How are those two things compatible? That makes him seem very…mentally unwell. He was voluntarily doing icky jobs for Xemnas—so many that even Mr. Dirty Work Assassin Axel couldn’t keep up (yikes). He became Xemnas’s right-hand man! He sold his soul! All for someone who…might have been a figment of his imagination. It still makes it sound like he was mind-controlled. Nobody in their right mind would act that way.

When Roxas was having his “7 Days” experience, he saw a lot of things that nobody else could. He saw Naminé, for instance. He fell off the clock tower, but then later thought he must have imagined it. Roxas’s “hallucinations” were never treated as something casual like with Isa/Saïx and Subject X. His friends became very worried about him. It was a pretty big plot point.

There actually might have been a connection to Naminé. Subject X is mentioned while Ansem is brought to the Haunted Mansion and looked at the window that Roxas saw Naminé in. I’m sure Roxas had doubts whether Naminé was real or if he just imagined her. If Isa was being experimented on, drugged and/or tortured, he’d be in a similar mental state to Roxas. 

I dunno. I just don’t think it makes very much sense that BOTH Lea and Isa repeatedly spoke to some imprisoned girl, they both decided to free her, risked their lives becoming apprentices for her, gave up their morals for her, then they BOTH thought they imagined her later. If Isa thought he imagined her, speaking to Lea (who also spoke to her) should dispel those doubts. But when Saïx said that he thought he might have imagined her, Lea didn’t exactly refute him.

When I first played KH3, I just could not fathom how something that stupid became canon. I think it must have had some basis in the original story. Because there was no reason to include a detail like that. None whatsoever. Unless it was to explain why no one ever bothered to mention her before, lol. That’s honestly what I thought at first. But I think it had to be more than just that.

Let’s ignore the fact that Isa gave up his life for this girl. Even if it was dark, it’s still very abnormal to have an interaction with someone and then later question if it was real. You’d usually have to be on drugs to have an experience like that. Like LSD or DMT or something. And LSD is a hallucinogen that was frequently used in real life mind control experiments.

Or you’d have to be very mentally and emotionally stressed out to the point where you lose touch with reality. That’s what happened to Roxas when he was looking for Xion. Plus, he was already affected by Sora, so he was dreaming and seeing visions a lot. It makes a lot more sense for Roxas to imagine seeing Xion because he already was close to her. Lea and Isa had no reason to imagine a total stranger. That’s just bizarre.

Roxas sat down next to him like usual, and opened his mouth. “Today… I went to the beach on a mission.” He took a bite of his ice cream. “I think I saw a girl who looked a lot like Xion…”

Axel stared at Roxas. Roxas’ eyes were a little glazed.

“But, maybe it was my imagination… I don’t really know. To be honest, I'm not even sure today's mission really happened.”  Roxas bit his ice cream again. “I feel like I just woke up from a dream or something.”

It looks like Xion’s disappearance has had a deep effect on Roxas.

Roxas kept speaking, without looking at Axel. “This is gonna sound crazy, but you know how we promised each other we’d all go to the beach?“

“Yeah.”

I couldn’t help but notice Axel’s reaction on Day 276. Roxas said he thought he might have imagined seeing Xion because he wanted to see her so badly. In the novel, it made it seem even more like Axel could personally relate to how Roxas felt. It seemed like Axel knew what it was like to lose touch with reality just because you wanted to see someone really badly.

“Well, I think I only saw her there because I wanted her to be there.”

Roxas looked unwaveringly toward the sinking sun.

I should—resign myself, shouldn’t I… Definitely.

Axel stood up leisurely, and stretched wide. Then he said, “…Shall we go look for her?”

“Huh?”

After Roxas said that, Axel looked away with a deeply troubled look on his face. It definitely looked like he was remembering going through something similar to what Roxas was going through. He was thinking that it was probably a bad idea to suggest looking for Xion. But I think he knew exactly what Roxas was feeling, so he suggested it anyway.

Roxas finally looked at Axel.  Axel smiled at him.

“Tomorrow, after our missions, let’s look for Xion before we come here.”

“Mm… yes, let’s do that!” Roxas nodded, and stood up like Axel. Then he smiled.

I wonder when the day will come that the three of is will go to the beach… Axel thought suddenly, seeing that smile, and to deny the next thought that floated up, he stared at the sun.

He knew that they were never gonna get to go to the beach. But he hid that from Roxas. Destiny Islands was where Roxas and Xion remembered the sound of the waves. It was special to them. And the equivalent for Lea seemed to be the image of a sunset and eating ice cream.

“We’ve gotta make it to the beach next year,” Olette murmured, watching the sunset.

Hayner leaned forward. “Yeah. Better get jobs the second vacation starts.”

Next year… Right. Next year there would be another summer vacation. This one was almost over, but they’d have next year to try again. Letting his mind wander, Roxas found that the perfectly obvious fact cheered him up.

Roxas saw the ghost train that nobody else did on Sunset Hill. Roxas was able to see it because he missed the trip to the beach, and DiZ knew he really wanted to see it. And Roxas said he imagined that he saw Xion because he wanted to see her. They promised to go to the beach together. I wonder if there was a connection to Axel knowing they’d never get to go to the beach that day, and saying he really wanted to see someone on Sunset Hill, where the ghost train appeared. In the novel this scene where Naminé goes with Axel actually took place on...the beach. 

Axel still hadn’t reported that Xion was with Riku, even to Saïx. As to why, he was asking himself the same question.

That’s why I could suggest to Roxas that we look for her, though. That’s resolution, and resignation, and then what? Friendship? Axel’s mouth twisted, remembering that word.

I’m still unsure somehow. I’m worrying over what is the best thing to do. Will I find the answer someday?

There had to be some backstory to how Lea could use dark corridors, even as a a human. I definitely think Axel had been in Roxas’s shoes before, searching desperately for a friend, which is why he went to search for Xion with him. I definitely don’t think he was that obsessed with finding a random girl he wasn’t sure existed. It had to be somebody else. After the test subjects were released, maybe Lea was so depressed that Isa was missing, he had weird dreams or hallucinations. He wanted to see Isa so badly it led him to open a dark corridor to Twilight Town. 

Donald: Uncle Scrooge!?

Sora: Er, who?

Goofy: He’s Donald’s uncle—a business typhoon! Before the Heartless showed up, he traveled the worlds on a Gummi Ship with the King. He was helpin’ to set up a traffic system.

Donald: A transit system!

I think Isa was Subject X and was probably taken to Twilight Town after Ansem discovered the experiments. Perhaps King Mickey was the one who suggested that Isa would be safe in Twilight Town. The King probably was aware of its existence. After all, he and Scrooge must have went there, since sea-salt ice cream is sold there. It must have been a part of his business transit system. So, it’s very possible we would have gotten backstory of how sea-salt ice cream existed in Twilight Town, like it does in Radiant Garden. And the ice cream may have been another reason Twilight Town was special to Axel.

Riku: Let’s go.

Axel: Go where? It’s not like we have homes to return to. We don’t exist, remember?

Naminé: Yes, it’s true. We may not have homes. But there is someplace I want to go… And someone I want to see…

Axel: Same here.

In the manga, Axel was even trying to teach Naminé how to use the corridors of darkness while they were talking on Sunset Hill, right before they had the conversation about wanting to see someone. And dark corridors can only be opened by people with very strong sentiments, like hatred or…wanting to see someone very badly, like the Beast. It doesn’t prove anything, but I did find interesting because it was a little bit random.

Kairi: Who are you?

Axel: Axel. I happen to be an acquaintance of Sora’s. Why don’t we go see him?

Kairi: …Sora?

Axel: We’ve got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about. Hey, I feel like we’re friends already.

In KH3D, Lea also used the dark corridors while looking for Isa. Mickey told him that was reckless.

Axel: Somehow I just knew you’d be here. I tell ya, Kairi, you’ve got a lot of guts, jumping right into the darkness like that.

In KH2, Axel said that he knew Kairi would be in Twilight Town and that she had a lot of guts jumping into the darkness like that. She and Axel had a lot in common because they both wanted to see someone that they missed very badly. Maybe they also had a lot in common since they both just jumped right into the darkness to see the person they missed. 

So basically, I think Axel was desperately searching for someone in his past and that led him into being an organization member. But it definitely wasn’t Mystery Girl X. And I think Isa was desperately wanting to see someone that he thought he might have imagined. But it wasn’t Mystery Girl X.

[masterthespianduchovny]

It’s the Little Things

I appreciate the talk that I had with @the-witches-son this morning about Romione.

Some believe that I think they’re incompatible due to Hermione being academically smart and Ron being...laid back, I suppose.

But, as witches son and I discussed things Rowling could’ve done to improve their relationship, her intelligence and them not having like interests didn’t come up. As I mentioned in the otter post, and I’ll reiterate her: my biggest issue is Rowling’s laziness in building their relationship.

Things she could’ve done instead:

1. Don’t just have Ron remind her to eat, have him feed her. Rowling could’ve had Ron pick up extra food (sneak it out) to give to Hermione when she’s overworking herself. It doesn’t have to play as romantic or even call serious attention to it, but readers we read these warm, thoughtful moments between them and it’d be stuck in our consciousness. Feeding someone is intimate and it plays into how Romoine shippers say that Ron is female coded and hermione is male coded.

There could even be a subtle evolution with the feeding her dynamic. Maybe at first she brushes him away and doesn’t eat the food, and then she resigns to his pestering and feeds herself. Ultimately, she’s like, “Ron, you know I don’t like ____. Did you at least get the____?” Ron, “they ran out, my bad.”

I’d sign up for that shit! 👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾

Hell, you could have hermione steal some food from Ron during mealtimes and he be like, “I already fed you!!!”

2. If Harry is biased about their arguing because he doesn’t like bickering, it plays unrealistic that no one ever accuses them of liking each other.

One day in class, my guy friend and I were talking about some random shit. This girl randomly just asks us, “do y’all like each other?” I look at her and said, “no, we’re just really good friends.” Months later, we did realize that we liked each other, but others observed it before we reached that conclusion. Even people we didn’t know randomly came up and asked us. I later found out that, at least one fourth of the school thought we were dating and we hadn’t even kissed and teachers also thought we were a thing or suspected something (that they discussed with students).

Despite all of that, we never dated.

Rowling should’ve had Hagrid or some teacher assume they were together and students say something (witches-son’s observation). Perhaps have lavender be like, “hermione, are you and Ron...a thing?” Hermione, “no...no! Ron is my bestmate.” Lavender, “oh, it’s just you spend so much time with him, much more than Harry and I just thought you two had something going on.”

It’s even more baffling because people are determined to believe guys and girls can’t be friends. I don’t think I have one guy friend that someone hasn’t assumed the guy liked me. It would be minor stuff. A friend treated me to a lunch and I was told by someone else this was a date. A friend let me borrow his car to go out of town and I was told he liked me (he was gay).

Basically, let characters assume that they like each other and are dating. It plants a seed in the readers head that these people may have a point (or they’re just reading into shit).

3. Let them have in jokes, push each other, and be (faux) competitors academically. Rowling should’ve counterbalanced Harry’s perception of their bickering with other ways Ron and hermione bonded. Just saying they spent time together or talked outside of Harry shows that they’re friends. But, despite their “opposites attract” schtick, seeing the ways they bond and care for each other shows why these two “opposites” would fall for each other.

Say if I would get a 93% and my guy friend got a 95%, he’d say, “I’m smarter than you. 😏”

If I got an 86%, he’d ask me, “why didnt you perform as well on the test? 😕 is something wrong?”

Ron competing with hermione isn’t supposed to be taken seriously, but as a joke between two friends. Rowling could’ve even had something where Ron did phenomenal on a test, and then goes back to average. When hermione questions him, Ron says, “I’m fine with the grades I have, I don’t like studying for hours for As. You love studying, but as long as I do well, that’s fine with me.”

Witches-son suggested that Ron play up his expectations of her academic performance as playful teasing for her being a know it all. Or if someone outperformed her, Ron would make it his mission to help her get top rank. That would’ve played as fun and cute.

4. Rowling’s over prioritization of Ron and Harry’s relationship. I know that this is Harry’s series, but they always read to me as best friends who are basically brothers where as hermione was a really good friend they cared for as well.

Since Ron and hermione hung out so much, the second time they kicked her out of the group should’ve been played different. This could play back to him feeding her. Either he doesn’t and she gets sick, which makes him upset at himself. Or he still feeds her, begrudgingly, but they don’t talk. (Gahhhh! That would’ve played as sweet)

There would be instances where Ron (almost) brings her up and stops. Or that it’s clear to Harry and others that he misses her. I’m sure someone will correct me, but both times she was kicked out of the group, life went on. She didn’t seem missed.

For two people to spend so much time together, constantly talk, and eventually develop feelings, this doesn’t ring true. That’s a good chunk of your life missing in a sense.

Even if hermione isn’t as important as harry to Ron, it needs to be clear that she’s still really fucking important to him and life isn’t the same without her (the same with her).

5. Cut the whole “You’re a girl???”

I had a male best friend when I was like...6 or 7. This is around the age where boys believe girls have cooties. I remember when I was in class and my best friend was like, “eww, girls have cooties.” Then, immediately said to me, “but, not you.” He saw me as a girl, but I was his best friend, so I guess I was immune from it. Lol

Ron was older than my friend and doesn’t see hermione as a girl until how many years??? Due to their closeness, in all likelihood, he would humanize her and appreciate/value her differences as a girl compared to Harry’s boyness. Her gender is apparent to him, but not in the forefront.

There can still be that miscommunication that serves as a roadblock to them getting together. Callback to lavender, “hermione said you two were just bestmates.” Cue Ron dating her and hermione getting with Viktor.

Despite all of this, none of this needs to have this huge focus or any more than their storyline already did. None of this would take away from Harry’s story. But, it just feels like canon support is really metas opposed to moments that we can look at and say, “clearly something was brewing or changed for them.”

[abumblebeeat221b]

Sherlock and the Female Gaze

If anyone asked me to point them to the most revolutionary piece of media ever created I’d probably show them Doctor Who (because guys - nothing beats a show that is basically Sherlock Holmes in space and keeps reinventing itself every other year).

But the second thing would be Sherlock. Not Doyle’s original, not the Rathbone, Granada, Soviet, new Russian adaptations (even though they are dear to me). Just 13 episodes of a TV show that was only ever meant to win some obscure film award in Eastern Europe and became a success over night instead.

The fandom that does its research has spent seven years trying to pinpoint its secret and the only thing we can agree on are three little words: it looks pretty.

On a more serious note: it is probably the first thing which made male eye-candy unashamedly mainstream. It is the millennial version of Pride and Prejudice, of Mr. Darcy, only that this time society doesn’t expect the story to bore our boyfriends to death.

And I’m not even sure that was something Mofftiss and Co were aiming for.

You see. It is a truth universally acknowledged that men have no idea what women like. They confuse it with male power fantasies ALL THE TIME because that’s what the media tells them we are day dreaming about. They are shocked to learn that we think Loki to be the sexually most appealing hero villain in the Avangers, that we consider Rodger from the original 101 Dalmatians to be perfect boyfriend material, that yes, we’d happily choose a dog loving, kind individual (with great hair) over most more manly super heroes out there.

And Sherlock ticks all the right boxes for women to find him attractive, while most guys wouldn’t think that lanky nerd to be much of a competition for them.

The cherry on our metaphorical fandom-cake is that Sherlock  is pretty much the first thing produced for a main stream audience I know of* which treats its leading male character as if he was a woman in order to cater to the female gaze (because the lgbqt+ community was not the only reason why the name Cumberbatch has showed up on most versions of the sexiest men alive lists since 2010/11).

Women look at Sherlock and think ‘sexy’ because we’ve been conditioned by the media to recognise this is what ‘sexy’ looks like.

And this my friends is where the magic happens.

You want the list? Here have the list:

A well-tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men. And let me tell you Sherlock wearing suits doesn’t look like a coincidence from over here.

The coat. It’s like a cape. Only way cooler.

The buttons which deserve their own award™. We all know the story behind the coat™, but I’m not aware of the official one explaining why Sherlock couldn’t buy the purple shirt of sex™ in a bigger size (lucky us he didn’t). On a sidenote: too small dress sizes and strained buttons are exactly what actresses are expected to wear in front of the camera.

The white sheet of possibilities. Sherlock Holmes visits Buckingham palace wearing nothing but a sheet BECAUSE THE SCRIPT SAYS SO and I can’t be the only one feeling reminded of the long standing tradition of women having to take off their clothes for very important plot reasons™. Two series later, Moffat does it again, and while IMHO Sherlock should have kept his hospital gown on in His Last Vow, I’m aware that is a pretty problematic™ thing to say given how it belongs to the most beloved (i.e. gifed and photoshopped) bits of that episode. (While at the same time, apart from Irene Adler, we have no idea what the Sherlock ladies wear underneath).

The cheekbones. Oh. The. Cheekbones. It is shocking exactly no one that Carrie Fisher was asked to lose weight every time she played Princess Leia (yes, also that one). Benedict Cumberbatch lost weight for series 2, then went to play the villain in Star Trek: Into Darkness, came back to series 3 having to lose those muscles and some weight - which goes against the *typical* male beauty standards in the industry, just saying. (NB: I’m pretty sure he did it again for TAB and series 4, but series 2 and series 3 are the only instances I’m aware of him mentioning it).

The weapons of a woman. When was the last time the male hero was allowed to lose? James Bond gets the girl because he is the best agent out there. It’s always the best knight who slays the dragon and saves the princess. I agree today personality matters - but that just means that now he needs to slay the dragon AND be charismatic on the top of it.

Heroes aren’t damsels in distress, they don’t get favours because of their looks and smiles, they don’t rely on other people or need emotional support. They are lone wolves, strong and self-efficient in every possible sense of the word and they have more than just their muscles to show for it.

Not in Sherlock.

Odds (*literally odds*) are Sherlock wouldn’t have survived the first episode without John.

Here we have someone who manipulates Molly (and clients alike) using his charm to get what he wants. Sherlock relies on his social network all the time, his adventures are about showing us how being the Cleverest™, the Best™ does not equal success.

He gets saved, beaten and drugged by Irene Adler, and just in case we’d still have some illusions left, the script for that scene describes the leading male character with the words ‘weak as a kitten’. I leave you to draw your own conclusions.

In the same episode he wins a fight because of pepper spray.

He relies on his brother’s help to beat Moriarty. He shoots Magnussen because even Mycroft’s long arm doesn’t end up being long enough. The only reason he makes it out of that mess alive is his freaking sister he isn’t even aware of.

The point is. Sherlock is right when he points out the obvious: he is no hero, but a mess who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. Yes, he is phenomenally good at what he does. But he also needs an assistant, someone who takes some part of the responsibilities off his not-so-bulky shoulders and helps him to win those victories.

The fairytale of the high-functioning sociopath. For some baffling reason, sometime between now and the dark middle ages humankind decided that European culture only ever allows men to seek companionship when somehow sex (or bragging about sex) is involved.

This is why “being friendzoned” is the worst that can happen to the modern man™. This is why they honestly don’t get the concept of just friends™. To a good deal of them female friends are like unicorns in that they don’t exist. To them the age old “if I’m not getting sex out of it then why should I bother?” argument works on both sides: “if you are not getting sex out of it then why should you care?”.

(Before you spam my inbox yes, I know Scrubs exists, I’m more than just familiar with House MD *laughs uncomfortably for ten years*. But. For every single piece of media that happens to get it right there are 10 AU remakes of Fifty Shades of Grey being published).

Now. What on Earth does this have to do with Sherlock?

NOTHING.  We see Sherlock having more healthy relationships in every single episode (yes even that one) than Bond will have in a lifetime. And no matter how much Sherlock insists on being a sociopath, the hero in this story has friends, imperfect friends, and whether he likes it or not they do care about him. And he cares about them too.

Otherwise Mycroft wouldn’t need to tell his little brother that caring is not an advantage and Sherlock wouldn’t meet those words like an old friend.

On top of it, the writers never code Sherlock and John as gay. No, they don’t. To be fair, they also don’t say he’s straight. However, they do make him canonically fall for Irene Adler (FYI: if him going ALL THE WAY to Karachi for her sake wasn’t a big enough clue, then MP!Sherlock keeping a picture of her in his pocket watch should have been).

And while we do see Sherlock invested in plenty of typical male stuff (he fights, he wins, he plays the rude smart arse, the hero, the brilliant detective) at the same time he also accepts it when in TEH John decides he wants to keep his distance, and Sherlock leaves the matter in Mary’s capable hands, John’s love interest, the woman who should be traditionally the mortal enemy of male friendships.

We had a whole episode which was basically Sherlock helping Mary with wedding preparations and not (just) having a bad time.

The next episode has him do his best to save his friends’ marriage. It also has him fake a relationship with a woman (who ends up owning a cottage in Sussex that comes with bees). But he never takes advantage of her even though she wouldn’t mind being taken advantage of. And when she gets her well deserved revenge he admires her for her agency. That boy is so smitten by Janine Hawkins that the original shooting script for His Last Vow  had them agreeing to marry each other should they end up without anyone else by the time they are old end grey (page 72, you’re welcome).

Sherlock gets his support system and it doesn’t ask for anything in return. He is allowed to struggle, to become emotional, to not deserve his victories and still be the hero of the show. Those 13 episodes have Sherlock stumble from one failure to the next but every single time we learn it doesn’t matter. He gets to learn from his mistakes, he gets to grow.

Yes, he has his ghosts and demons but he never needs to face them on his own, which is something I’ve only ever seen on this stupid show

_____ * If anyone wants to point out the masterpiece that’s George from the Jungle then yes, I’m aware of it (also, surprise surprise another film that was pretty popular with the LGBTQ+ folks). However, generally speaking it never became mainstream. Which is what I’m talking about here. And while Marvel’s Loki is mainstream, he is not the main character in The Avengers.

[jewishaxelwalker]

Axel Walker, as a character, is a real mess. As he was pretty much only written by one person prior to 2011, and that one person was Geoff Johns, it’s no real wonder why. My complaints regarding every book Geoff Johns has ever worked on could fill a book roughly the size of the bible, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

Of all the new villains Johns created during his underwhelming run on the Flash, Axel is the one that’s lasted longest. Hunter Zoloman’s Zoom is a close second, but all bets were off with that guy once Johns was given the go-ahead to bring back Eobard Thawne, who hasn’t gone the hell away since 2009. But despite showing up regularly throughout his Flash run, making an appearance in his Teen Titans run, and just generally existing in Rogues’ Revenge, Blackest Night: The Flash, and the Brightest Day Flash series, Geoff Johns never actually bothered to give this kid a personality. No, really.

Axel has personality traits, most prevalent among them being annoying and young, but seeing as Johns was pushing 30 when he created Axel...the “youth” aspect of the character seemed overly exaggerated. For instance, here’s the panel that gives us the best guess as to how old he is:

“Dropped out of high school a few years ago” is a real shitty timeline. How many years is a few? Did he drop out as a freshman, a junior? Between how damn small he is (DC Encyclopedia cites him as being 5′7″, but I’ll eat my hat if he’s over 5′2″), the rest of the Rogues referring to him as “kid” all the time, and the way he kept being set up as one of Bart’s villains in the short time he was Kid Flash, I feel like we’re supposed to think of Axel as 16 or 17. However, Axel is shown being sent to Iron Heights on multiple occasions. That’s big boy prison, not a juvenile detention facility. So it’s entirely possible he’s 18 or 19. But we will never know.

So okay, back to those character traits. Early on, it was established that in addition to being young and annoying, Axel was also highly inventive, having created a bunch of tricks and gags that James Jesse, his predecessor, hadn’t used. He also utilized modern technology in a way that only someone written by a 30+ year old in 2005 could:

Is this even possible? I know about as much about computers as the next Amish person, that is to say, next to nothing, so I can’t tell you. But it’s possible according to Comic Book Hacking!

Anyway, when he first hit the scene, Axel was working with Blacksmith’s new Rogues. That didn’t last long, and he eventually jumped ship with Mark and Evan, who vouched for him with Len for whatever reason, and then Axel was a true and proper Rogue.

And here’s where it all goes a bit hinky.

During Crossfire (183-188 if you want exact issues), Axel had a glossy sheen of “golly, gee whiz!” about him. He was new to this whole villainy thing, eager to prove himself, and ready and willing to cause some chaos. Chaotic Neutral, if you will. The Identity Crisis tie-in issues (214-217) and Rogue War (220-225) introduced a weird little quirk that hadn’t been present before: sadism, and a need for said sadism to be corrected. 

In 214, Axel obliviously offers to whip up some poison gas to lace the flowers Len wants to send in sympathy to Ralph Dibny. Not knockout gas, or some other harmless gag, poison. We’d already seen that the other Rogues had a habit of insulting Axel in previous issues, but in 216, Len one-punches him to the floor for making fun of Digger when news of his death was reported.

The next panel shows that he is deadass unconscious. 220 gives us another fun panel of weird sadism that comes out of left field:

Now, where did this come from? I like to trace it back to a couple of panels from 188:

-words of advice from Weather Wizard, which are later parroted back in 221:

Again, it has previously been shown that of all the older Rogues, the one Axel is closest to, sees as a sort of mentor even, is Weather Wizard. Which brings me to Rogues’ Revenge.

Final Crisis: Rogues’ Revenge is possibly my least favorite comic of all time. It’s the one that paved the way for the return of Eobard Thawne (my least favorite villain) and killed off Thad Thawne (my absolute favorite villain)...but it was also the place where my favorite version of Axel was born.

Axel’s part in Rogue War ended when James beat the hell out of him, stole his mask and shoes, and tossed him in a dumpster. Between Rogue War and Rogues’ Revenge, Axel showed up in all of one comic, where he murdered a quartet of college students in the Detective Chimp: Helmet of Fate issue:

It’s one of those comics that really doesn’t make a ton of sense out of Axel’s characterization, what little there was to begin with. When we next see Axel in Rogues’ Revenge #1, he’s put together his own little gang. While his Trickster gang dresses like him, Axel is the only one who actually uses tricks, the other guys use guns. They’re disposed of, and Axel is folded back in with the Rogues. After Len beats him up a bit, of course:

But what else is new, right? After a whole rigamarole about the Rogues going to Gambi’s workshop to give their costumes back, but they find him beat all to hell by a group calling themselves the New Rogues, who’d also kidnapped Len’s father. The Rogues find them. There’s a fight. And then, this:

Followed very closely by this:

And quite literally immediately after, this:

And this is it. This is my favorite version of Axel, born from what might be the shittiest comic of all time. My favorite version of Axel is the underutilized “scared rabbit covering it all up with false bravado” version, which we would now see in everything following this issue, up until the New 52. After Rogues’ Revenge, Axel’s speaking panels were cut to practically nothing. He lurked in the background of scenes, helped out, had a one-liner or two, but did Johns ever again attempt to give him any kind of depth? Nope. All his character development from this point on would come from Scott Kolins:

This page baffled me for the longest time, when it came out. Len has just had Mick kill his father for him. Third panel, Axel’s expression is very neutral, not giving away anything. Fifth panel, peeking out from behind Len, his expression borders on worry, but by panel six right next to it, he’s schooled himself back to neutrality. Then we get this page:

“Us”, Axel says. As if he actually did any murdering of his own. That’s why the past sadistic streak and the Detective Chimp issue never sat well with me. Where did these traits spring from? I know I said earlier that the whole “no conscience” thing might be to blame, but it was never consistent. 

Scroll back up. Look at those facial expressions. Kolins might draw Len craggier than a mountain peak, but his Axel is definitely the most expressive. Look at the page with Mark causing faux-Abra Kadabra to explode. Look at that bottom-right panel. You can literally see him being terrified of the people he’s with, finally understanding exactly what they’re capable of, and realizing that he’s in too deep to get out unharmed. But at the same time…he doesn’t want out, because these guys are all Dad now. He idolizes them and he fears them. So he digs deep for the set of balls that got him into Blacksmith’s circuit, and uses the fact that none of the others have really tried to get to know him to his advantage. Bad jokes, ignorance, bratting it up…hiding his fear. After the page above, Axel spends the rest of Rogues’ Revenge making some of the silliest expressions he ever has in a comic when he’s in focus, but out of focus, he’s all frowns and neutral faces. He does end up aiding in Inertia’s murder...somehow

Seriously, what the hell is he shooting at him, a spring? It’s coiled too loosely to choke him, and though the shot of Thad’s corpse shows it still wrapped around his throat, there’s no bruising there like on his face and body.

The next place Axel, or the Rogues for that matter, show up is in Blackest Night: Flash, another Johns disaster. There, he’s the comedic relief from start to finish. He’s not particularly interested in fighting zombies, so his expressions tend to range from a very fake-looking full-face grin to straight up terror:

And of course, the pit. I’ve got a whole other laundry list of ways comics failed Owen Mercer, but that’s not for here. When the horribly out of character Captain Cold confronts the even more horribly out of character Owen about his actions in trying to bring back his father, it’s bad. But is it “copying every line and forehead wrinkle from Mark’s face onto Axel’s face” bad?

Bam. After Blackest Night, the Rogues would show up only once more before Flashpoint, in a couple of issues of the Brightest Day Flash series. Here, he actually has a few panels of dialogue and is actually shown to be doing things for a change. 

One of his only panels worth mentioning, though, is this one from issue 6:

So...if Axel is a millennial, then that means he was born between 1981 and 1997, making him at most 29 and at least 13 back in 2010. Release this kid’s age, DC. The world wants to know.

So. You’d think a character study on a Trickster would end with a bang, but I don’t really think it can. Axel is honestly a pretty weak character, whose goals and motivations are either bland or entirely nonexistent. We never got a real backstory for him other than a few thoughtboxes in the Flash 1/2 issue, we never got to see how he’d blossom under a competent writer pre-New 52, his entire existence seemed to be one of those famous Johns dropped plots. He feels like he should have a bigger role than he does, and is in fact the legacy Rogue with the least number of pre-New 52 appearances. Which is ironic, because he’s the only legacy Rogue that escaped erasure with the rest of the old universe. His few appearances in the New 52 Flash title, the Rebirth Flash title, and non-canon books like Injustice have given him more of a character than all of his time under Johns, and he’s better off for it. Except for the Injustice universe, where he’s dead.

I guess all I can say is, the kid was interesting enough to deserve better, but it took his old universe being wiped out and replaced for him to get it. Bummer.

[eisforeidolon]

Episode: Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes

I think I'm just going to end up damning this one with faint praise:  it was definitely better than last week's.  I do honestly feel I'd appreciate this episode more if it was in a different season, but when you start every week wondering is this even going to try to make sense? you're constantly left looking for the point where it all goes south.  And that makes what might otherwise be entirely forgivable hiccups stand out more than they probably should.

I did love seeing the twins again!  I loved the family dynamic between the two of them with the bickering up front and clear love later as well as the dynamic between them and their mother.  I liked how Max went straight for praising Dean's car, because there's not many better ways to make Dean's day.  I thought it was an interesting choice to make only one of the twins a witch.  The acting from all three of the guests was fantastic – especially Max's dismissal and guilty horror when they find out what's going on and Alicia's worry and the confusion of her simulacrum at the end - all of it was well written and expertly brought to life.  The visual effects for all the witchcraft stuff were gorgeous, and the villain witch and her twig dolls were just as creepy as I could have possibly wanted.  The way they presented the mystery of showing us that Tasha was killed and then showing Tasha seemingly alive again was a well-executed twist that had me wondering.  I liked the paralleling with Sam and Dean's sibling relationship.  Heck, I even thought the title was really clever, referencing the witch's specific power.  And hey, at least Dean got to kill something again this week!  I also can't help but feel the Winchesters purposely left Max there with the ring and his sister's body and left that decision to him knowing he might make the extreme choice.  It, combined with their conversation in the car, was a great (and somewhat unusual) moment of self-awareness that they really can't judge the extremes anyone else might go to.  

Although I did seriously wonder why, if Max could burn his sister's actual body at the end, the witch was keeping all her old kills just laying around stinking up the place?  I mean if it was just the last kill, it'd be one thing, but one of 'em had been dead long enough to have missing posters!  Yeah, she could be just sloppy or crazy enough to not give a hoot, but it bugged me a little how transparently it seemed done just to solve the mystery easily.  I also think the episode leaves a lot of hanging questions about just how much the dolls have of the original person.  Personality?  Yeah.  Soul?  ?  Adding in that the power comes from a demon and may be corruptive along with the siblings clashing personalities at the beginning likely leading to a temptation to use the ability for control the spell gives ... Which doesn’t even mention the part where it’s a baffling disappointment they kill one of the twins and their mother before the BMOL cull even kicks off and when Rapey McBitchface, Blonde Scrappy Doo, and the Groundhog Angel all have seemingly impenetrable plot armor.

Also, I'm not impressed with the idea of deal-making demons so sloppy they'd make a deal that would allow witches to cheat at the last minute.  That seems contrary to everything we've seen about demon deals in the past, and I hate every instance of them making the demons and angels weaker to prop up whatever lesser player is around any given week. Still, there was definitely a lot worthy of praise in the MotW parts of the episode.

As to the rest of it, well, it was more mixed for me.  They've done a lot of surface-level callbacks to catchphrases and moments from earlier seasons.  Some have worked really, really well.  Some have just felt super cheap, and for me, the whole 'hunting trip' line fell flat. Likewise, bringing back pretty much anything from Bloodlines can only be a mistake, especially that shifter rewrite nonsense.  Way to go writers, take something that actually makes your canon unique and creepy and fuckin' toss it.  Bravo.  Also, when Dean is the one traditionally most mechanically inclined and has been more often shown dealing with their weapons and equipment, why is it presented as if it's on Sam, specifically, to try and fix the Colt?  They seem to be leaning heavily towards giving only Dean the desire/ability to express negative feelings, and only Sam the ability to be effective - and it's a mutual disservice in both cases.

Furthermore, the Winchesters just worrying about Cas being taken over again is annoying, because it so blatantly (and unfortunately not unexpectedly) skips right over all the shit he did when it was his choice.  Yeah, if we're going with them considering Cas “family”, getting his ass un-whammied is more pressing than being pissed at him.  Still.  How many times do we have to do this and just have the Winchesters shrug it off?  Even if Cas' betrayals of them were unarguably on an equal level with Sam and Dean's of each other, which isn’t given *coughhellwallcough*?  The two of them actually spend an insane amount of time together in between major relationship fractures – giving them a chance of building their mutual trust back.  Castiel usually flits off until the next time he's due to fuck up after a vague apology and occasional effort at reparations the Winchesters have to force him into.  It leaves the idea of them being family coming off as more and more like a joke every time, and not the funny kind.  Sure, they’re limited by the fact Misha is a regular rather than a lead, but the answer is to not give Castiel huge unforgivable idiot balls all the freakin’ time.

Then, of course, we have the BMOL stuff.  Yeah, I honestly want to throw up in my mouth a little every time someone parrots how Mary is such a ~*great hunter*~.  Worse, I do not give a fuck how many times they try to present her as being a “parent” who is disappointing because she's “just people”.  NO.  She's disappointing because she has zero consideration for her kids!  She abandoned them by choice without communicating for long stretches, actively chose to deceive them about working with people employing a personal enemy who tortured them, and intentionally endangered their lives to grab an object the BMOL apparently didn't even have specific plans for.  And then she tried to guilt them for being upset about it!  That's not being fallible, that's, again, actively choosing to be a callous asshole.  Mary hasn't chosen to move towards actually getting to know and caring for her sons as real people rather than abstract concepts, and in turn I can't be bothered to care about Mary – which leaves so much of this episode falling flat for me.  

I mean, some of it would anyway, because anyone who spends five minutes with Ketch and can't figure out he's a sadist probably shouldn't be capable of tying their own shoes.  Obviously the writers want her to suddenly care, so bam! she does.  I mean, they do give her a great fight scene – and it really is a good one! - but when I can't even care about Mary for the sake of her being someone not-actively-screwing-over her sons?  Eh, whatever, wake me when Toni's dead.

I do hope the whole thing with Mary finding Mick's conveniently undisposed body in a place she can access and seeing the wall o' hunters that all happen to be people she knows (or her sons know) is an intentional set up by Ketch to flush out her loyalties.  Rather than, you know, the most ridiculous convergence of coincidence and timing in quite a while.  Since Ketch is waiting right outside the door for her, I'll give them some benefit of the doubt on that one.  

So overall, yeah.  Way better than last week, but that’s a low bar to clear.

[the-desolated-quill]

The Wolverine - X blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. if you haven’t seen this movie yet, you may want to before reading this review)

I had absolutely zero interest in watching this movie. Why would I after X-Men Origins: Wolverine? It was boring, poorly thought out, badly constructed and it completely butchered the greatest comic book character of all time. (I’m talking about Deadpool obviously. What, did you think I was talking about Wolverine? LOL. In your dreams). Plus I just don’t give a fuck about Wolverine. Did that come across? Hell, at this point, I wouldn’t even pass water over Wolverine. But then my boyfriend at the time convinced me to give this movie, The Wolverine, a shot. Saying it was a massive improvement over the previous film that corrected all the wrongs. So I snuggled up next to him on the couch and watched it, anticipating the ride of my life.

That’s not what I got.

The Wolverine isn’t an improvement over the previous film. It’s not even as bad as the previous film. I’d go as far to say that it’s worse than the previous film (and in case you’re wondering, my boyfriend and I aren’t together any more).

Dear God, where do I even start with this mess? I mean say what you like about X-Men Origins: Wolverine, at least it was attempting to tell a story. The Wolverine is just… I don’t even know how to explain it. Nothing happens most of the time and the few things that do happen don’t make any fucking sense. It’s actually surprisingly hard to follow most of the time.

I suppose I should say the initial premise is solid. Once you overlook the stupidity of Wolverine using himself as a human shield to protect some Japanese soldier from a nuke (yeah, um… what about radiation poisoning? or can Wolverine absorb it all like a human sponge?), the idea of Wolverine losing his healing powers is actually a really good one. It could provide some much needed tension in fight scenes knowing that he can be wounded or even killed, and it could inject a touch of vulnerability into the character that would be interesting to explore. The problem is they never do anything with it. It doesn’t even really change Wolverine that much. He may get wounded, but he’s still fighting the exact same way, throwing caution to the wind as usual. He’s still shrugging off bullet and knife wounds, and there’s even one ridiculously stupid bit where he fights some thug on top of a bullet train, which should have turned both of them into pulp. It’s as if the filmmakers forgot the premise of their own movie halfway through. For fuck’s sake, if you’re going to depower Wolverine, actually commit to it! Don’t chicken out the minute it becomes inconvenient for you.

There are traces of the cure storyline from X-Men: The Last Stand in this. Wolverine wondering whether to give up his healing powers in order to live a normal, finite life like everyone else. But at this point it seems any interesting social commentary the X-Men films once offered has pretty much abandoned ship. There’s no real effort to actually explore the character (again) and the logic behind the premise is just baffling. Curing a mutant’s powers is one thing, but now you can swap them with other people? How the hell does that work? How does that spider thing attached to Wolverine’s heart somehow suppress his powers? How can sticking drills into his claws absorb his powers? I’m really confused!

It’s actually very hard to talk about this movie because I confess I don’t fully understand what’s going on half the time. Basically the Japanese soldier Wolverine saved at the beginning is dying and wants Wolverine’s powers so he can live forever. He has a giant robot samurai suit (don’t ask) that can drill holes into Wolverine’s claws and absorb his powers… somehow, but he doesn’t do that. Instead he concocts an elaborate plan to make his granddaughter the heir to his business empire, thus pissing off her dad and fiancé, leading them to contacting the Japanese mafia and trying to have her killed, which Wolverine prevents whilst having his powers suppressed by another mutant called Viper, and once all that is over and Wolverine has fallen in love with her (because obviously that would happen), the soldier kidnaps his granddaughter and uses her as bait, luring Wolverine to his giant tower of evil and THEN uses the giant robot samurai suit (don’t ask) to drill holes in Wolverine’s claws and absorb his powers.

Now… I think that was the plan, but I’m not sure. I tend to fall asleep about halfway through so I can’t be certain. Needless to say, the plot is convoluted and extremely boring. For starters if you have the time to send that Viper woman to french kiss Wolverine while he’s sleeping, then why don’t that soldier guy just use the robot samurai suit? Why even suppress Wolverine’s powers in the first place? I don’t think he’ll be much use to you dead. But the main issue once again is that I just don’t give a fuck about anything that’s going on. None of the characters are properly developed and I’m just simply not invested. The supposed friendship between the Wolverine and the soldier is never fully explored, which is a shame because the soldier had the potential to be a fascinating antagonist. A man so terrified of his own mortality, he’s prepared to sacrifice his cultural beliefs, his family and his morals just to survive. Plus this is ostensibly a villain of Wolverine’s making. But the film never even touches upon it.

One thing The Wolverine does improve upon over its predecessor is the fight scenes. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the fight scenes were so poorly edited and filmed that it was hard to make sense of what’s going on. Here that’s not the case. So at least I can see what’s going on, what little of it there is. Because as overly complicated this plot is, it’s surprising how very little actually happens in this film. Vast stretches of runtime devoted to absolutely nothing. The first 10 minutes of the film for instance are devoted to Wolverine trying to figure out who killed a bear. A fucking bear! And then there’s the incredibly forced romance with the granddaughter. Despite the fact that we never learn anything significant about her and the two share absolutely zero chemistry, we’re expected to be invested in them falling in love and fucking like rabbits because… he has a penis and she has a vagina I guess. I don’t fucking know! It’s all stupid. Not to mention it stands contrary to the whole woe is me crap with Jean Grey.

Oh yeah! Jean Grey is back in this movie! Albeit in dream sequences. Basically Wolverine has left the X-Men because he’s feeling all angsty about killing Jean (yawn) and now she shows up every five minutes encouraging him to die so they can be together forever and ever amen. I assume these scenes are here to get us to feel sorry for Wolverine and to get all wistful over his relationship with Jean. Except I don’t feel that because both Wolverine and Jean Grey are incredibly dull and poorly written characters and their ‘relationship’ mostly consisted of him sexually assaulting her. So no, I wasn’t moved. In fact the opposite, I was very, very unmoved. The only time I moved was when I got up to get a sick bag because I couldn’t believe this stupid romance was being forced onto me again and I was feeling rather queasy.

Plus the return of Jean Grey once again caused me to ask some very awkward questions about the X-Men continuity. So this film takes place after X-Men: The Last Stand, right? So how come Magneto has his powers back? Didn’t he lose them at the end of X-Men 3? And how come Xavier is back from the dead? Plus there’s all the discrepancies with the X-Men prequels (I’m assuming X-Men Origins: Wolverine is no longer canon, otherwise what the fuck is Wolverine doing in Nagasaki and where was Sabretooth). Also at the end of this film, Wolverine gets his bone claws back, but in X-Men: Days Of Future Past and the trailers for Logan, he has metal claws.

WOULD IT KILL SOMEONE TO HIRE A FUCKING CONTINUITY EDITOR?!?!

I just feel sorry for Hugh Jackman at this point. He’s a great actor and you can tell he’s really trying his best, but there’s simply nothing anybody can do with this material. No wonder he wants out. If I was stuck playing the same shit character for 16 years of my life, I’d want out too.