#instead of the fact that people have interpersonal emotions and relationships

[still-ssstar]

Rin and Sae: Guilty and innocent

Tw: Spoilers for the manga. English is not my native language.

Note: It started as a small note, but in the end I had to make it into a full-fledged post.… Anyway, this is not a full-fledged analysis of the relationship between Sae and Rin, just my sleepy thoughts + a small analysis of several manga panels. At the end of writing this post, not only my inner analyst woke up, but also my inner writer, so ah. So be it.

The situation between the Itoshi brothers, in fact, well reflects two problems that often arise in interpersonal relationships when emotions run high.

1. The lack of normal dialogue. It's not that instead of a calm conversation, people give in to their emotions so much that they end up hurting each other. It's okay to give in to your emotions, people are not robots and anyone can lose their nerves, even when they don't want to offend a loved one. The problem arises when, later, after the conflict, the dialogue continues to be absent. Dialogue is not when both sides are talking to each other but not hearing each other. The dialogue is to hear and listen. The inability to look at the situation from someone else's point of view harms both sides. This is clearly seen in the situation of Sae and Rin: they talk to each other, but everyone talks about their own things and in the end everyone talks as if to a wall, trying to convey their thoughts, but not delving into the thoughts of the interlocutor. And then they're just like, “Yeah, we're not going to talk to each other anymore.” Their situation is just the apogee of how far the conflict can go. (Seriously, even Reo and Nagi at least try to talk to each other. Sometimes.)

2. The inability to find the unambiguously guilty and the unambiguously innocent. Everyone has the right to be offended and to feel pain, this is normal. At the same time, in situations like those of the Itoshi brothers, both sides are both guilty and not guilty at the same time. Sae was broken and just humanly tired. (And I can understand him, he apparently faced something so serious that it affected not only his psychological, but also his physical condition.) Rin was childishly naive and dependent on his brother. (Which is not surprising, I mean, Sae literally promised that he would be with Rin for the rest of his life. He was protecting him.) You can discuss for a long time on the topic of "who is more to blame", but in the end it will lead to nothing, because the label of "guilty" will not solve the problem that has arisen between them in any way. (It's important to separate situations where someone is behaving like a toxic asshole quite intentionally, and the other side has done literally nothing. I'm talking about situations where both sides are involved in the conflict.)

In general, any conflict is always a difficult topic, including from a moral point of view. Is Sae to blame? Yes. Is Rin to blame? Yes. Can I blame them? No, actually. As I said, finding the "guilty"" won't solve anything, and I'm interested to see what happens to the conflict between the brothers in the future. To be honest, I have high hopes for this story arc and continue to believe in the best. Not only because I love happy endings, but also because a happy ending in such a situation can only be achieved through a sincere and deep heart-to-heart dialogue. I would love to see how the conflict is resolved not on the field, not through an attempt to "prove" something to someone, but in words. Words have their own magic hidden in them, and I love it when works of art show love that is not romantic. Love between family members or between friends is wonderful.

Although, the ending, where Sae and Rin's paths diverge forever, without the opportunity to restore their brotherly relations, is also good. Especially if they were estranged from each other, but would remain in a neutral relationship, without the current negativity. Yes, I understand, it's fucking sad, but it would be good to show one important thought - sometimes people's paths diverge and not always the past can be revived in the present. Especially when it comes to relationships between people. Sometimes close people become strangers to each other, but this is not the end of the world and life does not stop after that.

Next, there will be a small analysis of the manga panels, because I adore human facial expressions and I have something to say about this, but I don't want to single it out in a separate post. (Note from Shine from the future: Okay, I was naive and didn't know what was waiting for me when I started writing this part, so there will be a little more analysis of their conflict. God save me.)

This manga panel interested me not because of facial expressions, but because it clearly shows that Sae probably knew for a long time that for Rin he is the main reason to play football. Sae further claims that it is impossible to replace him, and now I wonder if his worldview has broken so much that after coming back to Japan, he stopped considering himself "irreplaceable" not only on the football field, but also for his brother?

Here I want to draw your attention to the way Sae clenched his fist and the fact that his expression has no confidence. It's determination. I think it's the first time he's said out loud that he's going to be a midfielder, not a striker. He says this not only for Rin, but also for himself. I mean, he's already decided on it, but he's still not sure about his decision, he seems to feel vulnerable. And who did he go to for support? Yes, to his little brother. To his brother, who always believed in him and could believe in him, even when Sae not sure that he believes in himself.

These manga panels are some of my favorites, because, honestly? I don't see even a hint of malice in Sae's expression. At first, he looks as if he is trying to contain his emotions, a rather characteristic look of a person who is in a shaky emotional state. He's very tense and I can practically see in his eyes how his psyche is trying to figure out what the fuck is going on right now. He's already figured it out, but he hasn't realized it yet. He was trying to tell his younger brother that he would be the best midfielder while he was the best striker, and now what? Did he do something wrong?

Here, after Rin's words, Sae already looks shocked, in the sense that he does not seem to believe his eyes and ears. I also see "awareness" and vulnerability in his eyes. I dare say he's even scared. Almost terrified. I will defend this idea for the rest of my life. "You‘re not the same brother I shared a dream with." It's pretty heartbreaking to hear that from your little brother, especially when you still want the best for him, isn't it?

Even here, I still don't see any malice on his face. This is deadly seriousness, to some extent disappointment, fatigue, but not anger. I also want to draw attention to his words. I'm not sure if this makes sense in the original Japanese, but in English it says "Your and my dream" (Although this also depends on the translation… Anyway, I want to discuss this.) Analyzing the choice of words is, of course, a rather speculative thing, but I can't stop thinking that Sae probably still associated himself with their dream at that moment, he just already perceived himself as a midfielder and partly for this reason mentioned himself after Rin. But Rin's words made him realize that everything was falling apart. Although, in his own way, he still gave their joint dream one last chance to survive in this harsh world. I'm pretty sure that Sae played this "match" against Rin, including for himself. To make sure that he has not gone mad, that the world is really so cruel, that it is normal and natural that he is broken. (Just a thought, it reminds me of the lines of a song in my native language, which translate something like this: "If you're sad, then you're already an adult. If your heart is empty, it's just age." Sae, is that you?) For traumatized people, this behavior is normal, because the psyche needs at least some support in a crisis situation and it can be found even in something painful, but familiar, that is, in disappointment.

The transition between a completely blank stare and this facial expression seems too abrupt to me. Either something finally clicked in Sae's head at that moment, or we see the whole situation from Rin's point of view. By the way, I still don't see anger on Sae's face. At first I thought it was contempt, but to be honest, it even looks like... despair. If you do not take into account the shadows on Sae's face, the look down (this is the perspective of Rin sitting on the ground) and his words, then Sae's expression is a fairly classic expression of sadness and despair. (Look at his eyebrows. His eyebrows are bothering my brain. I can't blame myself, after all, this is the most expressive part of his facial expressions.) Realizing this made me look at the whole situation from a completely different angle. I was so fixated on their conversation and context that I forgot one of the main instructions I was given: “People's words are not important when you analyze their facial expressions. Do the initial analysis out of context.” We weren't shown the expression on Sae's face when he left just because he was probably BROKEN. Not angry, not contemptuous, not even disappointed. Oh my God. I feel like a metaphorical apple has fallen on my head and at the same time I also want to shout “Eureka!”

If you think about it, the main reason for the conflict, in addition to Sae's broken emotional state and Rin's sharp reaction, is that the defense mechanisms of Sae and Rin's were also in conflict. Rin immediately went into a defensive position and denial, trying to preserve his familiar picture of the world, which had been preserved for years since his childhood and in which he sincerely believed. Maybe it's not even that Rin was particularly naive, but that next to Sae he was always the youngest, he used to be the youngest and his psyche used to react this way next to his older brother when problems arise (if memory serves, this is usually called regression among defense mechanisms, but I don't remember this topic well and I need to refresh my knowledge). Sae distanced himself and isolated himself from his brotherly feelings for Rin in order to avoid even more trauma for his psyche, because to admit that you are losing someone close to you is killing painful, It turns your soul inside out and makes you want to rip it out of yourself. If you convince yourself that everything is fine, you are not losing your dear little brother, but just some loser, then it will not be so bad at heart. I don't believe Sae when he says that Rin is no longer important in his life. And I don't think Sae was doing anything consciously at that moment. (Which, however, does not change the fact that they are two fools, one of whom is traumatized, and who have said a lot of bad things to each other. Do I blame them? Still don't.) One could say that Sae is older and therefore should have shown more understanding and patience, but I don't think this is justified. Their age difference is only two years, not to mention the fact that age does not always help in any way in such situations. They were both teenagers at that time and it would be wrong to shift all responsibility to Sae, just as it would be wrong to shift all responsibility to Rin.  Neither of them had the experience to solve such problems normally. Neither of them is to blame. Neither of them is innocent.

P.S. I needed confirmation that I was not crazy and was not looking for meaning where there was none, so if you are interested, then my conclusions about Sae's facial expressions were confirmed by two more psychologists. Ngl, I'm glad I didn't lose my skills. Writing this analysis was one of the most inspiring and fun, I'm practically shaking with delight.

[glamaphonic]

But no for real all the "he should've gone to find Daryl/Morgan/had a protracted reunion with XYZ character instead of focusing on his wife and kids!" shit ties back into people's lack of narrative literacy and, underlying it, their lack of theory of mind when it comes to these characters and of course all those nasty implicit biases. They think that what they care about most is necessarily what Rick cares about most.

There are people who refuse to understand or accept how important Michonne and Judith and RJ are to Rick. Of course he loves his extended found family. Of course he cares about his community. But people want to act like those relationships are somehow interchangeable with (or for a lot of these clowns MORE IMPORTANT THAN) those with his wife and children. That has never been the case! For the entirety of this goddamned show, it has never been the case! Andy has outright said it: this entire story, from the moment Rick wakes up in that hospital bed, has been about a man trying to find and protect his family. That is this insane feral motherfucker's central, defining character motivation! You would think if you claim to be a fan of this character and love him so much you would know that!

And it is wildly transparent that for many people they do know that but are pretending this is no longer the case now because they don't consider the family he has made to be legitimate.

They've been "predicting" (read: wishing for) Michonne's death since the day she and Rick got together and she was "ruined" for them because they could no longer mentally sideline her as a Strong Black Woman with no internal life or emotional, physical, or spiritual needs. And the only thing they hate more than Rick having a dark-skinned black woman as a soulmate is him having a black son. Hated it so much they had a whole ass documented conspiracy theory trying to will that baby out of existence. Judith gets a certain amount of grace from a lot of them purely from the virtue of being white, but they still constantly pull out the most vile anti-adoption bullshit about her not REALLY being Rick's (or Michonne's) child too.

So they sat there and watched a six-hour narrative! A lovingly constructed narrative one of the emotional cruxes of which is the fact that Rick was separated from his wife, love of his life, for eight years, missed most of his daughter's life up until now, missed all of his youngest son's life up until now, was made to forgot his eldest son's face, made to forget his wife's face, and this traumatized him so profoundly that he literally wanted to die! This traumatized him so profoundly that when he at last had the opportunity to go back he was paralyzed by fear to the extent that he wanted to continue living an empty ascetic unlife rather than have to face the emotional turmoil of the mere IDEA of losing them all again.

They saw that and went, "Well him getting to be back with them is unsatisfying because it should've ended with him leaving them to go looking for a grown ass man whose closest interpersonal relation already fucking went to find him!"

And not all of them are stupid. They fucking know that there is a difference between one's relationship with their sibling or close friend and their relationship with their spouse. There's a difference between one's relationship with their sibling or close friend and their relationship with their children. And it's not about quantifying the amount of love, it's about the self-evidently different emotional needs and dependencies that exist in these relationships!!

They know it! They just don't want any of that to apply to this spouse and these children and they're mad af that the show unequivocally said that it does.

And to that I say: lol suffer, bitch.

[stuffnonsenseandotherthings]

In my spare time, when I'm not watching dramas I'm either reading books or watching people talking about books on YouTube. One tradition I've always really enjoyed is their "Mid-Year Freak Out" tag, especially because I like the idea of getting a chance to reflect on the year so far as well as look to the year ahead.

This year I thought I'd combine my two passions and use (and in some cases alter) the prompts for my own use, i.e. so that I can talk about dramas rather than books.

The only rule: answer the questions (and go wild I guess).

And we start the list with the biggest risk! No The Trainee is nowhere near finished and, no I have no idea how it's going to finish (it's GMMTV it could drop the ball through the floor and into the earth's core for all I know) but, if it manages to keep going the way it's going, I'm going to absolutely love it. I've mentioned before that The Trainee reminds me a lot of Misaeng, what I haven't said is that Misaeng is my (tied) favourite drama of all time and if The Trainee can get anywhere close to making me feel like I did the first time I watched Misaeng (which it is so far) then it's on to a winning formula.

So far it's got everything I look for in a drama: a solid cast with excellent chemistry, a plot that focuses on the little battles of everyday life, and an excellent mix of fast friendship and slow burn romance with plenty of character development along the way. It also doesn't hurt that it's got the balance between slapstick-funny and emotional tension pretty much bang on either.

I can't get this drama or it's characters out of my head and I am deeply, deeply, invested in where things are going next so, as a nod to the hold it has on me and my hope that I've found a new all-time fave, The Trainee is my favourite drama so far so GMMTV DO NOT LET ME DOWN.

Thai BL opening themes can be very hit or miss for me (I won't lie, I have skipped many an opening sequence because I can't stand the song) but Wandee Goodday's "Fan With Benefit" caught my ear the first time I heard it and refused to leave me alone after that. I think I listened to it on repeat for at least 2 weeks and then at least once a day after that.

It's fun, it's flirty, it's got a chorus I like to dance to and it has now found itself on my "Songs to Cook Dinner To" playlist (I don't know if that says more about the song or how I cook dinner).

Now if only the drama lived up to its theme song...

Last Twilight would have been on this list had I not dropped it in December and, as a result, rendered it ineligible for a 2024 drama. I'm still absolutely fuming about how badly it let its audience down and how terribly it handled an extremely nuisanced topic to the point its final messaging was almost harmful.

I'm not going to get into this in too much detail because my frustrations have been voiced much more eloquently by people @lurkingshan and @twig-tea. I will say, however, that I loved the first 6(?) episodes of Wandee Goodday and I'm really sad about how much I didn't enjoy the rest of the drama.

There were a lot of things to like (and a lot of potential) right from the start: two couples with great chemistry, an ace character with actual depth and dimension, really sweet relationships (both familial and friendships), and the foundations for some interesting explorations of various interpersonal dynamics. Unfortunately none of these things really got followed through on and instead Wandee decided to go dark (with topics like mental health, sexual assault, loss and grief, parental neglect and abandonment to name a few) and do it badly. I don't mind if a show wants to explore difficult topics, in fact I really appreciate it, but what I won't tolerate is a drama introducing those topics as central plot points and then skimming over them in the most superficial way possible.

If you can't be bothered to put in the effort to properly research/explore difficult topics, do not include them in your drama.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SHOW SINCE IT FIRST GOT ANNOUNCED. Which unfortunate because I was so excited for it I got stressed about it living up to my expectations (or not) and then couldn't watch it when it came out. It's annoying, it happens, I know how to fix it.

Anyway, I've given it some space, I've dealt with the other things that were making me stressed and I am now ready to devour it give it a go.

I have long been a fan of Ahn Pan Seok's works and I really appreciate his directorial style, the themes he chooses to tackle, and the way in which he explores his topics of choice. I will fully acknowledge his work is not for everyone; he favours slow (extremely slow) stories with characters and plots who are realistic to a frustrating (and sometimes infuriating) degree. You also need to have a pretty in depth understanding of Korean society and its problems, taboos and concerns to fully understand the underlying messages of his dramas and the structures/beliefs/views he's critiquing. That being said, for me that is the perfect recipe for a drama that's going to claw itself into my brain and stay there.

Secret Love Affair, One Spring Night, and Something in the Rain all had a lasting impact on me and, thanks to @lurkingshan's posts, I'm pretty sure Midnight Romance in Hagwon will join them.

It may come as a surprise after the last entry but I actually try quite hard to not get hyped about upcoming releases, mainly to avoid creating any expectations which can then be disappointed. I like to go in with as open a mind as possible.

As a result, there are a few upcoming releases I'm keeping an eye on but none I'd say I'm properly "anticipating" (á la Midnight Romance in Hagwon). The closest I can get is Monster Next Door which I am genuinely excited for and which I plan to watch from day 1.

I'm not completely sure why I'm looking forward to it so much, I think it's because I do love a good opposites attract, foes-to-hoes dynamic and Monster Next Door seems like it's going to offer that to me in spades alongside a serving of comedy and a sprinkling of heat. Bring the introvert-extrovert pairing and let me watch them be stupidly whipped for each other, it's all I need for now.

Technically all of the dramas on my Want to Watch list because I want to clear it but I'm aware that that's a bit of a reach.... If anyone can spot any dramas on here that you think I should prioritize (or dramas you think I should scrap), recommendations would be appreciated.

I also want to watch more Japanese BLs. The few I've got through, I've enjoyed and, for a lot of them, I've already read and loved the source manga so I know I'll enjoy the plot. Unfortunately I really struggle with the short episodes (30 minutes is not long enough for me to get invested) and that I have to commit to binging them and can't watch them while they're airing, which is a whole other issue. I'm thinking of focussing on Japanese GL for now as a hook (I'm not enjoying the current Thai GL line up and I'm running out of Korean GL I can find online) so I guess the dramas I "need" to watch are She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat and Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko.

* Biggest surprise

* Newest favourite actor/director/writer/producer

* Most beautiful drama

* Newest fictional crush

* Newest favourite character

* A drama that made you cry

* A drama that made you happy

And there you have it! Lightly tagging @lurkingshan @twig-tea and @italianpersonwithashippersheart but no pressure! Anyone else who wants to do this, feel free! Just tag me so I can gather more recs to make my To Watch list even longer.

[meanbossart]

So, not sure if you've covered this. But I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about the durgetash subtext? Are you pro or against? How do you treat the "relationship" / "partnership" between them? I'm curious to know how their interactions would play out hahah. (Im very pro Durgetash, cause... well. Yeah.)

First of all, obviously I'm all for people interpreting subtext however they wish to interpret it, and I think there's more than enough in the game to imply a canonical romance between The Dark Urge and Gortash; some of my favorite artists on here delve into that and I think both their art and theories are brilliant. Especially as the canon stands now, I think it's more likely that they DID have something going on rather than not, though I doubt Larian will ever confirm it one way or another to allow the player freedom with their avatar's background.

That said, in the lore I decided for DU drow they did NOT have a romantic relationship, although they did have a complicated one. My first impression upon meeting Gortash at his coronation (this was long before all the dialogue Larian added) was of someone who wanted desperately to butter me up to get his plans back on track. Yes, I do think he was happy to see the drow, but that's because he knew DU drow would honor their initial agreement (had his memories not been erased, at least) and was indeed more reliable than Orin - who clearly wanted to achieve things on her own instead of entertaining their alliance even before betraying her brother.

I did a write-up a while back on what DU Drow's perception and plans for Enver were here, but I would like to make some additions!

First of all I didn't clarify this, but when I talk about "love" in that post I did not mean the romantic kind. What DU drow had for Gortash was a tenderness that he could not bring himself to entertain in earnest because of his profoundly skewed sense of empathy and emotions. He did relate to Gortash, He did admire how he had lifted himself up from nothing and how he easily brushed off DU drow's attempts to get under his skin. DU could simply never admit such a thing or even recognize it in himself - had he been a more sane man they would have been dear friends, and there would be glimpses of that could-be friendship in how they interacted before. Gortash was probably equal parts annoyed and charmed by the Bhaalspawn's high eccentricity, his gaudy style and extreme bluntness and shamelessness- he thought he was fascinating enough to put up with his attitude, not to mention that he was reliable and got things done when he set his mind to it.

(More under cut)

Alas, DU Drow wasn't raised to entertain friendship or tenderness whatsoever prior to getting a clean reset to his brain - this doesn't change the fact that he is, by nature, a very intense man, and those emotions had to come out in one way or another. Hence his weird preocuppation with Gortash and how he made him feel. He is primed to become extremely conflicted in his feelings towards anyone who sticks around in his life as anything but a pawn or a victim, and Enver constantly tried to pose himself as a friend - arguably a even more baffling concept to DU drow than if he wanted to be a lover - because then he would at least be seeking out sex from their interpersonal exchanges. This is also why a lot of DU drow's focus when insulting/trying to torment him would have been sexually charged, besides a simple desire to shock and objectify himself and others as sacks of meat to be fucked and killed.

But Gortash grew up in literal hell, I think his capacity to withstand abuse from others (and swiftly brush it off) would have been extremely well honed, especially if it will ultimately get him what he wants. He never flinched at the guy's constant allusions to perversion and cruelty, likely rolled his eyes at it even lol. This would have been very disarming to DU drow and kept him coming back for more, and fostered (along everything else I mentioned) the admiration brought up in-game in that one letter durge writes to Bhaal. That letter would have been a very rare moment of clarity and introspection between DU drow and his father - perhaps the only entity he could ever disclose this kind of conflict to, much like a man having a crisis of faith is still likely to turn to the very god he's doubting for comfort.

I haven't yet decided how Gortash felt towards him, though, besides the aforementioned fascination mixed with irritation. I do think that after being tad-poled, when DU drow shows up in his coronation room looking so dramatically different from the man he knew (hair unkempt, clothes reduced to their practicality, shell shocked stare, the absence of his usual, lecherous grin) he would have thought what a shame that was, that this relentless beast he knew would never allign himself with someone beneath his caliber, often to the point of being unreasonable, had squandered his own ambition and was now in such meager company lol like he's got this half-elf girl just short of hanging onto his arm, this squishy wizard that he would have chewed up like hide in his teeth once, and the smug little elf? That's just his type, but the man Gortash knew had eyes for no one but his sister - regardless of how often he tried to warn him of her duplicitous nature. Ohhh what a mess she made of him, he wishes he remembered anything so he could at least say I told you so.

[bingoboingobongo]

cod characters alphabet: beauty

Characters: Simon “Ghost” Riley, John “Soap” MacTavish, Kyle “Gaz” Garrick, John Price, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo “Rudy” Parra, Valeria Garza

Warnings: none

Prompt: Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

A/N: geez i got my nails done for the first time and typing is so hard. also yes we are going to be repeating gifs im sorry

simon “ghost” riley:

okay so simon’s definitely mature enough to where he doesn’t focus on looks and instead focuses on personality when it comes to dating

i mean don’t get me wrong your looks are definitely a huge bonus, but even if he couldn’t see he would still date you because of your personality

i think his favorite thing about you (and also the thing that means the most to him) is your tenacity/persistence

ghost is a very hard man to love and he knows this probably better than anyone

because not only does he come with a lot of emotional baggage that a lot of people aren’t willing to unpack, he’s well aware of the fact that he has a tendency to push people away or isolate himself

not to mention he’s just generally lacking in the interpersonal relationships department

for some reason though, you’ve decided to stick with him throughout all of his ups and downs

he just really admires/appreciates your eagerness to want to be with him because it makes him feel loved

it’s also kind of reassuring to him because he feels like it makes him trust you more since he can tell you actually want to be with him and you aren’t just using him

john “soap” mactavish:

alright so maybe this is cliche but soap really really loves your smile

i means it’s literally the face you make when he’s happy, and he loves seeing you happy so like it only makes sense

soap’s definitely a big jokester and one of the reasons why is because he loves it when he says something and it makes you smile

he’s always trying to make your day brighter and get you to smile more because it really is his favorite thing to see and he thinks you look so beautiful when you do it

it’s just such a genuine and pure expression that gives him butterflies no matter how many times he sees it

even if you think your smile is ugly or bad he still finds it the most amazing thing in the world and he will make sure to tell you this all the time

another thing he loves about you which sorta goes hand in hand is your laugh

it’s just such a delightful, amazing sound to hear, especially when it’s because of one of his jokes

he will literally do anything to try and make you laugh or smile, especially if you’re having a rough day

kyle “gaz” garrick: 

okay so for gaz something that he really admires/likes about you is your sense of humor

he feels like it fits really well with his and your execution is always strong and so you can make any conversation immensely more interesting

it’s one of the first things that led him to you (that and your looks, because let’s be real, gaz is younger and probably a little less mature about these things) and it’s also the thing that got him to stay

like even if you’re having a bad hair day or looking bummy, gaz would still tell you how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you

whether you’re working in the military with him or not, having a good sense of humor is important to gaz because he definitely needs it to keep morale up or keep things light when things are tough

he likes it whenever you tell him jokes over dinner or when you’re in bed with him

you’re very good at keeping him entertained what can i say

it’s also like the way you tell stories too like you could be telling him about how you went to the store and he would listen to you all day long

john price:

okay so price really likes watching you work

and yes i realize that sounds super creepy but hear me out i swear

price is definitely a very work oriented person and so while he would probably gravitate to someone with that same mindset, it’s definitely not a dealbreaker (so no need to worry all my unproductive price people)

that being said, when you are working, whether that be in the military, in another field, or even just taking care of kids or doing housework, price really enjoys watching you

he just likes seeing the silent determination on your face as you work

it’s sorta like when girls find it attractive when guys are good with kids but instead it’s with you and work ethic

idk man he just really admires people with a strong work ethic, and even if you don’t have one, he honestly just likes to see you when you’re in the zone

it’s sorta like, he likes to see your determination, like that’s something he really finds attractive

and like even if it’s not focused towards work, as long as you have something you’re determined/passionate about he really likes that

alejandro vargas:

okay so i think the first thing that really caught alejandro’s eye when it came to you was your fashion sense

maybe it’s just because you’re exceptionally pretty but alejandro feels like you look pretty in everything you wear

tight, baggy, bright, dark, whatever it is he loves it

he really admires the way you put together outfits so well, even if you really don’t put much thought into it at all

idk man like this is super basic but alejandro really just thinks that all of you is pretty

like he is a major romantic and he just thinks you look stunning

and he will tell you that nine ways to sunday

(is that the expression?)

and if he ever hears you diminishing yourself based on your looks he gets so frustrated because he really does think you’re the most beautiful person in the world

also he goes feral when you wear his clothes sorry

rodolfo “rudy” parra:

ughh another cliche i know but i’m sorry it’s simply the truth

rudy’s favorite thing about you is your eyes

i mean rudy definitely grew up hearing the saying “the eyes are the window to the soul” and he’s a proud supporter of that statement

honestly if you let him he would easily get lost in your eyes any time of the day

idk man there’s just something about your eyes and the way you look at him that has his heart fluttering and his legs swinging fr

he’ll always tell you how pretty your eyes are and how much he loves them

he’s also always trying to take close up pictures of them with varying success

definitely also loves himself some long, uninterrupted eye contact if you’ll let him

like if you guys weren’t dating yet, he’d definitely challenge you to a lot of staring contests during your free time just to have an excuse to look at you

valeria garza:

okay so valeria really really loves you for your mind and your advice

being the head of a drug cartel is tough and she needs someone strong to support her when she needs your help

you’ve given her a lot of help and advice over the years which she is eternally grateful for

sometimes she finds that she can be a little too independent but somehow you really have a way of convincing her to let you in and help her

honestly idk if this counts as something she loves about you but like she is so immensely grateful for all of your support

if you were there for her when she was in the military/becoming el sin nombre, or even if you joined her life a little later she’s just glad you’re there man what can i say

she’ll show it to you by spoiling you with whatever she can or whatever you want

whether it be material goods or just affection in general

like ghost she just really admires your commitment/persistence and it’s one of her favorite things about you

[ari-but-unhinged]

Art for Toritsuka/Hairo fic where I explored what was meant to be a crack ship and is now one of my favourite (??) ships in Saiki k- PLEASE HEAR ME OUT

(A long rant ensues so, if you don’t want that then that’s all good and you don’t have to click, but if you’re interested, then welcome to my rant about a rare pair i love!)

Of course, I started out by simply laughing at the “I hate men” line Toritsuka said about Hairo and thinking writing a crack taken seriously fic would be funny and it would be a nice break before I started this other fic I have planned that is going to be an even bigger endeavour with Saiki k x Danganronpa. What I didn’t see happening was for this Torihai fic to completely take over my brain space and end up with a fic just shy of 20,000 words.

This may not seem like a lot, but I usually only write fics in 1,000-2,000s so this is a lot for me, especially since I’m a slow writer/editor so it takes me a while.

Part of the reason I love these two together is because of the inherent dynamic of Hairo’s inspirational preachiness and how it doesn’t work on Toritsuka, and how it might be refreshing for Hairo to have someone who challenges him (and not in the fake way Teruhashi does, with Toritsuka being very upfront and honest about it). Toritsuka also, because he’s so upfront about his feelings, helps Hairo to express certain emotions like annoyance/sadness that he wouldn’t normally express outwardly. Something else too is that Toritsuka tends to be very physically affectionate, and I don’t know that Hairo is used to that (I haven’t seen any examples of him being physically affectionate in any other way than a bro way) so that could be refreshing as well. Also, also, Toritsuka is Hairo’s gym buddy who was reluctantly dragged along that day Saiki was trying to avoid everyone and no one can change my mind lol (this, in Hairo’s mind, forms a bond between them that can never be broken and he will never stop reminding Toritsuka of this when they hang out).

I just think their dynamic can be playful/fun because they’re both real with each other if that makes sense?

On Toritsuka’s side of things, he doesn’t have a lot of friends and the friends he does have he either doesn’t have any chemistry with or hate him (Saiki lol), so I think it’d be nice for him to have someone who is extremely caring/attentive to his friends and clearly cares deeply about them and shows it often. Because of this, Hairo shows interest in Toritsuka’s life, and for someone who probably hasn’t had many friends, that would mean a lot. Also the fact that Hairo cares so much for Toritsuka sets an example as to how to be a good friend/human would behave and could help him grow as a person (which are always the best friendships/relationships when they grow together rather than staying stagnant and dragging each other down). Being more caring of others and allow him to develop his interpersonal relationships with more than just ghosts, instead with real humans.

Also, I’ve taken to calling them the “errand boys” because it’s a great prompt to force two people who are polar opposites and would never interact to hang out/do an activity together, so I thought it fit them perfectly.

In the fic I changed a few things from canon (sexualities obviously- Tori is bi/queer and Hairo is gay. Although quick side-tangent- I’ve written Tori/Kaidou, Tori/Akechi, and now Tori/Hairo and all three of them either are Asexual or are often headcanonned as ace by the community/me and I just find it very funny that the horniest character is continuously shipped with them. I only realized I did this after I first started writing the fic.)

- Hairo explicitly has psychic powers (it’s something they can bond over and it’s something that plays off of Hairo’s emotions. Cue a lot of blushing not only because of embarrassment but also actual literal heat rushing to his face.)

- Hairo was raised by a single parent (His family is never mentioned so I just made one up)

- Personal headcanon, but I feel like Toritsuka might occasionally pretend to not see spirits in order to avoid getting approached.

- Toritsuka’s backstory has been slightly altered and has a lot more angst to an already pretty sad backstory (it’s played for laughs, but imagine how that would’ve felt for him :( he realized he lost two people he loved in a matter of minutes. Also, he’s a child when this happens so that’s even sadder. I honestly wonder if they died somewhere in the house or he was just there and his guardians didn’t know, like??? How???)

If this made you interested in reading the fic which this is all about, I’ll link it at the end, but if you were just here for the rant, that’s cool too! I’m obsessed with these two because they’re adorable and I must spread the gospel of Torihai.

Link to original fic-

[jadefyre]

On Threats to Murderbot’s Sense of Safety, Sense of Self, and Sense of Belonging

or: How the People We Meet Change Us, And Why That’s Not a Bad Thing

An analysis of Murderbot’s emotional foils and its character arc across the first three novellas of The Murderbot Diaries. (This is part 1.)

Written for @murdermetamay and also available to read on AO3

---

In the chapters leading up to the DeltFall Debacle in chapter five of All Systems Red, Murderbot emphasizes several times how it has to act like a good little SecUnit or else it’ll be found out as ungoverned and scrapped for parts. It has spent 35,000 hours constantly refining how it operates, keeping close watch on its actions and the consequences of its actions, and being hypervigilant—all in the name of surviving for another day of watching Sanctuary Moon instead of committing mass murder. 

Whether or not it has been entirely successful at remaining undetected throughout those 35,000 hours is unknown to us as the audience. If there have been times where it realized it was almost caught, it doesn’t mention them, and if there were times when someone else noticed it was rogue, it didn’t know about them. So, to us, it’s been doing a pretty good job of hiding—but that certainty unravels very quickly as things start to go wrong for the PresAux survey team.

First, in that opening scene with the fauna in the crater, Murderbot takes it upon itself to ensure Volescu also gets out safely, despite MedSystem’s lack of useful instructions (aside from giving him a tranq). In doing so, Murderbot reveals its actual appearance to the whole team for the first time. Rather than the impersonal opaqued helmet they’ve all gotten used to, now they see its human face. This in itself is not anomalous. After all, calming victims, which it apparently sometimes has to do, is much easier when there’s a human face for the victim to look at rather than a soulless robot that doesn’t know what an emotion feels like. 

Given the corporate attitudes we see throughout the series, it’s reasonable to assume that If this were a corporate team or contract, the revelation that the SecUnit has a face might have been momentarily uncomfortable for them, but would ultimately have been glossed over/forgotten about so they could go back to pretending it’s just another part of the habitat. In fact, Murderbot says as much, and even expresses it out loud to Mensah while they’re hiding in the jungle from GrayCris: “It’s usually better if humans think of me as a robot.” 

While in the hopper, holding Bharadwaj, Murderbot says it tries to be “as much like an appliance as possible, [...] keeping my head down so I couldn’t see them staring at me.” 

The first time it does something it’s not supposed to in front of these humans is when it yells “No!” at Ratthi shortly after getting in the hopper, but it doesn’t dwell on that too much because it was covered up by the humans also yelling at the same time. 

Thus we begin to see the first cracks in Murderbot’s self-protective facade. But we also see how much it does seem to like these humans. It understands their interpersonal relationships, who’s friends with whom, who has a crush on whom, and that Dr. Gurathin is a loner but that the others seem to like him. 

Next, Murderbot begins to dig itself an even deeper hole by verbally answering when Mensah comes to check on it in its cubicle. It chastises itself for doing so rather than not answering and pretending to be in stasis, but it notes that this is due to its awkwardness rather than its paranoia about being discovered as a hacked unit. 

The next day, when Mensah invites it to stay in the crew area with them, it notes that it is out of practice controlling its facial expression because of the usual opaque faceplate and is probably making an expression “somewhere in the region of stunned horror, or maybe appalled horror.” 

When Murderbot removes itself to the security ready room, it says: “Now they knew their murderbot didn’t want to be around them any more than they wanted to be around it. I’d given a tiny piece of myself away. That can’t happen. I have too much to hide, and letting one piece go means the rest isn’t as protected.” 

In other words, now they know their murderbot isn’t just an emotionless robot, and actually has thoughts and feelings. Their belief otherwise has been a huge part of Murderbot’s cover up to this point, and now that part of its cover is gone. 

Despite that, Murderbot continues to be helpful. That’s its job, and it likes these clients. Enough that it gives its real opinions on things when asked, enough that it is proactive in making sure it’s able to go with them as they investigate the map weirdness, and proactive in reporting anomalies like the autopilot cutting out. 

But Murderbot’s sense of safety as a SecUnit—especially one without a functional governor module—is directly linked to how well it performs its job. The better it performs, the less likely it is to be investigated, and the less likely it is that the humans will discover that it even has a sense of privacy that can be violated in the first place. 

Enter chapter five. Murderbot makes it back alive from the DeltFall habitat. Its humans have saved it from the combat override module. And then Dr. Gurathin tells everyone that Murderbot has a hacked governor module, that it is rogue.

That sense of relative security it had about its continued existence shatters in an instant. But, wait. Its humans, aside from Gurathin, don’t seem to see this as a big deal. Murderbot even lets itself have an emotion—a sense of betrayal—about Volescu’s apparent agreement with Gurathin, before changing its mind when he proved it wrong immediately after by defending it.

It has so far not expressed any emotions about Gurathin one way or another in this scene. It’s reporting the situation, play by play, although it does say it likes Overse because she also steps up to defend it. 

Up to this point, Gurathin has been cautious. Speculative, yes, but he only knows so much, and despite his goals being misaligned with Murderbot’s at the moment, it doesn’t actively hold that against him—at least not in its logs—because it also understands the necessity of caution. 

Until Mensah asks Murderbot if it has a name, and it says, “No.” 

Because that’s when Gurathin says, “It calls itself ‘Murderbot.’” 

And Murderbot finally stands up for itself directly. It grates out, “That was private.” 

Murderbot’s relationship to its name could be a whole other essay, but it has demonstrated over and over again in the narrative that it does not want to be associated with murdering, and it especially does not want its humans to associate it with murdering. And now these clients, most of whom it likes, know what it calls itself. And they know it’s rogue. And it is terrified of what that will mean for its personal safety in the aftermath of this revelation, but mostly, it’s concerned because... how can they trust it now? 

Of course Murderbot doesn’t like Gurathin. In this moment, it might even hate him: He violated its privacy, threatened its autonomy, and threatened its existence as a sentient being all within a very short amount of time. He attempted to break what little trust PresAux might’ve had in it. It has every right to hate him.

Additionally, if a “good” human can do that, how much worse will it be once it’s been turned over to the company?

It says a lot about who Murderbot is as a person that it chooses not to harm Gurathin even though it could. It cares what the others think of it, and of Gurathin, but even without that excuse it wouldn’t harm him. Otherwise, why hack its governor module? Why go through all that trouble to continue existing as a rogue unit in the first place? Who would it even be, if it had hurt him to save itself? 

It doesn’t know, and it doesn’t ask. First it needs to get these clients out alive, and then it can deal with all the existential consequences that follow. To get them out alive, they need to trust it, at least a little. It’s a lovely detail that one of the first steps it takes toward reasserting that trust is proving that it has, in fact, been watching Sanctuary Moon this whole time. 

So they let it help them, and it does get them out alive. These strange but nice humans buy its contract, buy it. Gurathin may have threatened its autonomy, but it saved his life along with the rest of PresAux, and they repaid it in kind by taking it to safety. Or trying to take it to safety.

Because Murderbot doesn’t want the safety they offer, not yet. It doesn’t know what it wants, but it knows it doesn’t want to be told what it wants. Before it decides, it first has to figure out what to do about those existential consequences.

[nestasminiaturepegasus]

Nesta Archeron is NOT a narcissist 

People love to argue in my comments over whether Nesta is a narcissist or not, so let's use some basic psychology to debunk this:)

Contextual Understanding: It's essential to consider Nesta's background and experiences. She has faced significant trauma, including the loss of her mother and the burden of caring for her family after their downfall. Such experiences can lead to defensive behaviours and coping mechanisms, which might manifest as aloofness or self-preservation rather than narcissism.

Emotional Depth: Narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy and an inflated sense of self-importance. However, Nesta exhibits profound emotional depth and capacity for empathy, particularly in her protective instincts towards her sisters and her eventual willingness to sacrifice herself for others. This contradicts the hallmark traits of narcissism.

Vulnerability and Self-Reflection: Despite her tough exterior, Nesta demonstrates vulnerability and moments of self-reflection throughout the series. Narcissists often struggle to acknowledge their flaws or vulnerabilities, whereas Nesta grapples with her inner demons and seeks redemption. Her journey towards self-awareness and growth suggests a willingness to confront her shortcomings rather than perpetuate a narcissistic facade.

Interpersonal Relationships: Narcissists tend to exploit others for personal gain and lack genuine, reciprocal relationships. In contrast, Nesta forms meaningful connections with various characters, including Cassian, Emerie, and Gwyn, demonstrating her capacity for empathy, loyalty, and genuine emotional bonds.

Trauma Response vs. Personality Trait: It's crucial to differentiate between behaviour resulting from trauma and inherent personality traits. While Nesta may exhibit defensive or self-protective behaviours as a result of her past experiences, these do not necessarily indicate narcissistic tendencies ingrained in her character.

Because I kNOW some of you are still not convinced, here is the diagnostic criteria for NPD from DSM-5, and how they do NOT relate to Nesta. 

Grandiosity: Nesta does not exhibit a grandiose sense of self-importance. In fact, she struggles with feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt, which is contrary to the first criterion.

Fantasies of Success, Power, Beauty, and Idealization: Nesta does not indulge in fantasies of success or power. Instead, she often sees herself as undeserving and struggles to find meaning in her own existence.

Belief in Being "Special" and Association with High-Status Individuals: Nesta does not believe she is inherently special or deserving of special treatment. She distances herself from others due to her own feelings of inadequacy rather than a belief in her superiority.

Demanding Excessive Admiration: Nesta does not demand excessive admiration from others. In fact, she often isolates herself and rejects offers of help or care from those around her.

Sense of Entitlement: Nesta does not have a sense of entitlement. Instead, she believes she deserves nothing and struggles to accept kindness or assistance from others.

Exploitative Behaviours: There is no evidence to suggest that Nesta engages in exploitative behaviours for personal gain. Instead, she often pushes others away and isolates herself, rather than seeking to manipulate or exploit them.

Lack of Empathy: While Nesta may initially appear aloof or distant, she demonstrates empathy and compassion towards her loved ones, particularly her sisters, the valkyries, and the humans without protection.

Envy or Belief That Others Are Envious: Nesta may feel resentment towards those who seem to have an easier life or grapple with their trauma ‘easier’, but there's no clear pattern of envy or belief that others envy her.

Arrogant or Haughty Behaviours: While Nesta may initially appear aloof or distant, her demeanour is not characterized by consistent displays of arrogance or haughtiness. Instead, her guardedness and reserved nature stem from a deep-seated sense of vulnerability and self-protection, which are more indicative of internal struggles rather than narcissistic tendencies.

( DSM-5 criteria can be found at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/ )

[kiefbowl]

hi kiefbowl, please ignore this ask if it's too out of pocket, but do you have any advice for getting comfortable dating? i'm 25+ and have no romantic experience at all, and most of the time i don't think about it when i do it feels shameful/embarrassing, or like i'm not a full adult. i'm straight but not that into men in general, but when it comes to this i'm nervous about how a guy would react. do you feel like it's been an important part of maturing/learning about life?

Dating can give you a lot of experience with regards to navigating intimate interpersonal relationships, yes. However, is it "important"? Not in the sense that someone needs to date in order to mature, grow up, be an adult...etc.

Being nervous is normal. Putting yourself out there is scary, and even people who have had lots of different partners and experiences with dating, love, and sex still get nervous. When you like them, you want them to see you as you are and assess you positively, and they might not. That's why it's scary, and that's why when some parts of dating get easier, other things stay the same.

You don't need to feel shame, though. Dating and love are deeply personal; it's meant to fulfill your needs and your desires. If you want to go on a date tomorrow, you could go strap on your boots right now and ask every man you come across until one says yes. Is that worthwhile? Safe? Fun? Is that going to help you prosper and achieve your goals? Your life is not playing out like a movie in other people's heads, so the only thing to worry about is prioritizing the wholeness of your life. Love makes your life bloom, not wring out all your energy. And when it's worth it, it's because it was tended to and specific, not because it just happened.

Dating of course can be casual and still worthwhile. A fair-weather lover for a few months here and there can be fun, especially if you're just looking for someone to spend time with rather than build a life with. You need to bring your honest personal assessment to the situation. Are you looking for a partner to build a life together, or are you looking for companionship as you build your own life independently? No matter what it is, they need to be an honest and safe person, and the experience needs to be furthering your enjoyment of your own life.

Now that I've preambled, here's some practical tips that might help you out, since I know that's what you really want :)

In order to date, you have to meet people. In order to meet people, you have to leave your house. You have to be going out and fulfilling your own life goals. Do community service, take local classes, join local groups, volunteer, go to parties. While these things are taking up so much of your time, you also lose track of how "old" you are (you're not old btw) and the fact you aren't dating. AND you will meet lots and lots of people.

In order to be desirable, you have to be interesting. Lucky for you, everyone is interesting. But some people hide their interesting qualities behind emotional walls and insecurities. Get talking to people about what makes you tick, and the right people will gravitate to you. Read books, learn new skills, then talk about them with your friends. Navel gazing doesn't get you much, so instead of internalizing...externalize. Then, when someone hears you have all the same cool interests they do, they will be the nervous one talking to you, and isn't that fun.

Getting better at talking to crushes takes practice, but you don't have to practice on crushes. Get talking to strangers in line, calling your friends spontaneously, hosting your own shindigs. ASK PEOPLE QUESTIONS. Ask people the questions you want people to ask you. Ask the questions that would help bring the interesting qualities of yours out from behind the insecurities. If you have a weird niche hobby no one knows about because no one asks you, take that as a lesson to ask other people about their own niche hobbies. Then use these lessons to snare your target.

When you ask people out, be flexible but ask a specific time, place, and activity. "Do you want to go to the movies sometimes?" WRONG. "Are you doing something this weekend?" WRONG. "Maybe we should hang out sometime." WRONG. "I'm free this Saturday, would you like to get coffee with me at two? We can meet at The Coffee Bean, it's my favorite local place." CORRECT. "Barbie 2: Oppenheimier is coming out this week. Would you like to go with me this Friday after 5pm?" CORRECT.

People like suave. People like being wooed and seduced. Learn to segue into your question. "Do you watch basketball?" (you ask this already knowing the answer is yes), they say "Yes!" (you knew this, which is why you asked), and so you say "Me, too. I was thinking of going to the TEAM NAME's game next Saturday. Would you come with me if I bought tickets tonight?" My gosh, why would they say no? Eh, maybe they would, but then you just take your ass to the basketball game with your best friend instead see first bullet point. The point is, set yourself up for success by making them feel like you are pursuing them, not just springing it on them out of the blue. Most people highly underestimate how many people like them. You might think your big moon eyes are embarrassingly obvious, but I promise you they aren't that obvious. People are more likely to say yes if it's not a big surprise.

Some no-nos about pursuing people: (1) Do NOT buy unsolicited gifts to acquaintances. There are probably gray areas here, but if you're not confident how they'll react, DO NOT DO THIS. Not even a candy bar. (2) Really, truly triple-quadruple think about it before flirting with a coworker. I'm not saying no office relationships ever, I'm just saying if they're not your only one predestined soulmate...I would advise against it. (3) Do not "casually" show up places. Do not social media stalk. If you like someone you don't really run into often, and don't have that in yet, you have to recruit your friends. Here's what's fun, even adults like knowing secrets like this and like to help. Helping includes throwing a party, organizing a group hang, inviting you along to their next outing, etc. Helping does not include middle school antics. You're recruiting your friends to help you get in the room with them. Not texting them creepy shit or do your flirting for you. (4) Do not laser focus on this person over all other responsibilities. When people say no, believe them. Even if you have good reason to think they're scared or something else is going on, they will have to give you the greenlight later then. Move on. (5) Lying about what you really want: BIGGEST NO I CAN GIVE. If you want a fuck buddy, don't say you want something serious. If you want something serious, don't tell them it's okay to date other people. If you want to date other people, don't be coy about the "what are we" conversation. The skills you practice are the skills you develop, practicing being a doormat or an asshole makes you a doormat or an asshole.

That's what I can think of off the top of my head...

GO HAVE FUN SIS

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I saw your ATSV reaction post and wanted to chime in a little about Miguel and Spiderman 2099. Because I love him but also your reaction to him is 100% correct, and I am also lowkey mad about people jumping straight to 'he did nothing wrong'-ing/fetishizing him.

Like, Miguel is trying his best (as Spiderman) but he's not a nice person! His arrogance and hot temper are major tenets of his character. His comics run is Mostly him fucking up his interpersonal relationships, finding out new horrible layers to the bad things that happen/ed to him, and then reacting poorly to those things (then dying) (he got better). I thought it was actually very fun of Sony to make him the Spider Society guy because he's the last person I would put in charge of anything. Like there's some fun commentary to be made on the fact that Miguel's canon lore also very much does not line up with the average Spiderman's backstory, while he's being written as placing himself in a position to act as arbiter-of-Spider-People, when he only Became a Spiderperson himself as part of a cascade of Reacting Poorly To Things.

(Be a corporate genetic engineer in the Horrid Capitalist Future -> trying to make A Spider-Man -> first human test goes horribly because your evil boss won't listen to you about the feasibility of your work -> try and quit via emotional outburst -> your boss gets you secretly addicted to illegal future drugs that are 100% addictive because they bond to your DNA or some nonsense -> your boss blackmails you into continuing to work on the person-melting Build-A-Spiderman genetics machine -> you decide to use the genetics machine to reset your DNA to before you were addicted to genetics-altering drugs -> your jealous co-worker sets the machine to give you 50% spider DNA instead -> you are mutated into a Horrid Spider Man -> you react to his by trying to kill yourself -> you live because your bullshit spider mutations save you -> all this and your drug addiction isn't even cured -> have the revelation that Capitalism Is Bad -> later find out your evil boss is also your dad)

It's unfortunately 100% in character for him to react to being happy and then incidentally destroying his own happiness (which, I have seen some wild takes about the whole 'replaced himself in another dimension' thing, but let's be real Miguel doesn't think he Deserves to be happy, so it was probably a BIT more complicated than him just being like 'hey free AU') by aggressively trying to police the multiverse because he's unfortunately a genius and also unfortunately just incredibly angry and aggressive and fueled by his own deep self-loathing and guilt.

Which is a long-winded way of getting around to the fact that Miguel using cult tactics on the Spiderpeople is because Miguel is using cult tactics on Himself to justify his actions (to himself) as part of (get this) a further cascade of Reacting Poorly To Things.

I'm personally still staggered by the fact that they made Miguel the Spider Society guy, like, I am really hoping this pans out in BTSV because, yes, Miguel has a storyline about messing around with the timeline, but that was Time not Dimensions, so I do want there to be a reason beyond 'who is the most maladjusted and traumatized and ill-tempered Spiderperson to be our antagonistic authority figure?'

Sorry this got long but ATSV has really unlocked new depths of hell for me in terms of 'niche comics character that doesn't get much attention now suddenly getting lots of attention'. I want to talk about my little guy but also my little guy needs to be appropriately contextualized and not belt-sanded into a dreaded fandom archetype.

god there's nothing I love more than a rant off a comic book fan whose little guy is being interpreted wrong. I spend most of my time in DC spaces so getting to reach across the aisle with empathy to a Marvel dude feels great, really bringing people together.

[chalkrevelations]

Called it.

I think they did multiple things right with the bullying storyline in this week's ep of Dangerous Romance - to start with:

having Sailom be perceptive enough and emotionally capable enough to know that his friends would need some open, honest discussion with and apologies from the people who bullied them, in order to move forward.

having Sailom demonstrate - for both his friends and the audience - the value he places on his friendships by insisting that Kanghan at least make an effort before Sailom was willing to actually pursue a relationship with him.

having Sailom set this not just as a condition, but as a test for Kanghan - is Kanghan the kind of person willing to work to repair injuries he caused, or will he balk? And if he's not willing, is he the kind of guy you're going to feel safe trusting your heart to? We already know Sailom is smart enough to listen to his instincts and do the mental calculus when it comes to whether he feels safe with Kanghan, and this is important additional data for him.

I'm not ... necessarily ... faulting the writers on all of this when I compare Pran's actions in Bad Buddy to Sailom's actions here in Ep 7, because I feel like Pran's almost complete lack of processing re: Pat's bullying behavior and what happened between Pat/Engineering and Wai/Architecture is kind of consistent with Pran's overall characterization. Pran hides what's going on and desperately tries to maintain his secrets, behavior that he's learned from dealing with his mom; he's known Pat longer than he's known any of his friends at college - even Wai; and he also just flat-out doesn't have the kind of high emotional quotient that Sailom does. I love Pran a lot - a lot of my intermittent drive to commit violence on Pat is kicked up by the fact that there are several times when he makes Pran sad, so I threaten to remove his lungs with a spoon - but I also notice there are times, particularly in the beginning of BB, when Wai has to walk Pran through not only typical social interaction but through processing and understanding and accepting his own emotions. Wai and Pran are primed for the kind of complete breakdown of their relationship that influences Wai's (very bad) decision to drop that curtain at least partially because when Pran lies to Wai about what's actually going on and pushes him away in order to keep his secrets, Pran loses the very person who we've seen help him navigate sticky interpersonal situations (a role that, on the other side, Pa fills for Pat). It's a cycle of breakdown that feeds on itself.

ANYWAY, what I do fault the writers on in BB is that the narrative, itself, does a miserable job of recognizing that any of these apologies and reconciliation work are necessary - at no point does the narrative come up with any other way to point out to Pran, "You know, maybe your friends are mad because you're surprise!dating a guy who spent a lot of time getting together with his friends in order to kick the shit out of them and make their lives miserable in various ways? Oh, and, who skived off to go to a concert instead of working on the mutual project they were supposed to be participating in." Not even Wai, once they're speaking again, has this particular conversation with Pran. Or, I don't know, make it a conversation with Pa and Pat, where she explains why of course Wai doesn't like him. Instead, down the memory hole it goes.

From discussion I've seen around and about, I feel like a lot of people expected the same thing to happen in Dangerous Romance. But the fact we've circled back around to it gives me hope that I don't just have my clown shoes on and we're also going to circle back around to some of the other issues that are explicitly simmering in the background, like Kanghan just hauling Sailom around by the wrist to wherever he wants him every time he gets jealous. Or the fact that even though Sailom keeps trying to insist that money can't buy everything, he's getting undercut not just by Auto wanting drinks and air conditioning and whatever else Kanghan's money can buy them, but also by the fact that Kanghan's money not only very much has bought Sailom - who's sold himself into a kind of indentured servitude to pay off his family's debts - but also has installed him in the bedroom right next door to Kanghan's.

Or like Kanghan's behavior pattern of just opening Sailom's door whenever he wants and walking in like he owns the place and can go anywhere he wants - a pattern we've already seen changing in this ep, when, sure, he acts like he's going to open the bedroom door in order to get Sailom to respond to him, but he then not only waits to be invited in but makes it explicit that him coming in is contingent on receiving an invitation.

Meanwhile, another thing I felt like the show did well with the bullying storyline this ep was the fact that Auto and Guy had different, individual responses to the apologies and overtures from Kanghan and his crew, and Guy was allowed to take longer to process his feelings and decide whether to have any kind of relationship at all with Kanghan. I had a bad moment at the beginning of the soccer game when I worried that he was going to be painted as unreasonably obstinate by the narrative, when no, he actually doesn't owe Kanghan any kind of forgiveness or interaction just because Kanghan apologized. Fortunately, they were just giving him the time and space that character needed to process and make decisions, and I really liked that.

It wasn't particularly surprising to me that the final barriers broke down in the face of a common enemy. Both of them wanted blood from Team Yellow, the enemy of my enemy, and all. That's one of the places that I felt like BB at least managed to shorthand some of the interpersonal work that would have needed to be done - by giving them a common project. Nobody on that show was able to use their gd words, but at least they could work at building bridges through actions like mutual projects.

Anyway, I've already seen at least one person comment "Wai wishes he could" on a gif of Guy finally telling Sailom to go get his man, after the soccer game, and yeah. I bet Wai did wish he could have gotten 1) an apology and some upfront reconciliation attempts from the guys who physically assaulted him and his friends as well as harassing him at and potentially endangering his job, 2) a best friend who understood that apologies and bridge-building were both deserved and needed, and 3) the necessary time to process those actions and his feelings about them.

I'm glad to see the improvement, Dangerous Romance.

[reimeichan]

How are you supposed to cope with the fact that no one is ever really gonna understand you? I've seen countless people, I've talked about my emotions thousands of time, but no one has ever understood any of my emotions, or why I feel them be it family or friends or anyone. I don't know man, I guess I just have a futile need for people to understand why I'm mad, or sad sometimes,and it's painfully left unfulfilled :(

I think for me it took me really coming to terms that nobody will ever be able to 100% understand anyone else's truest thoughts and feelings, and that's not a failure on my part for not communicating clearly enough nor is it a failure on the other person's part for not trying harder to understand.

These feelings of wanting to be understood, for me, often come from a place of feeling like I wasn't listened to or that my feelings weren't validated by the people around me. And so I ended up thinking that maybe if they truly understood my feelings, only then would I get the validation and the support I needed. Unfortunately, explaining and then overexplaining also didn't get me what I needed and in fact often made the people around me draw away as I would end up rejecting whatever help they tried to give me, as it wasn't what I *needed* in that moment.

Instead... I had to learn to understand what it was that I really wanted from the people around me. And that wasn't easy. Because the "wanting to be understood" part of me was also true, but I had to keep digging deeper into the why, and once I got the why, then I was able to address the how. How did I actually want people to show that they love and support me? How did I want the people around me to help me when I'm mad or sad? And learning how to dig deeper like that and really do that kind of introspection has drastically changed my ability to connect with others. Now I know that when I'm sad, I want cuddles and good food because that makes me feel safe and loved. When I'm angry I notice that I get tense in my arms, so punching a pillow can help me relieve that tension without hurting myself or the people around me.

And in doing all of this, I've come to realize that everyone feels and understands our own emotions differently. Anger manifests differently for me than for my partners, and while I may not *understand* them, by allowing them to tell me what they need when angry that allows me to give them the support they really need in that moment, instead of desperately grasping at straws only to potentially get turned away and having the other person feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. In the same way, I cannot expect other people to understand my feelings if we experience emotions so fundamentally differently, and so it would make more sense to tell them what kind of support they can provide me instead of trying to have then understand the nuances and details of every single bit of my emotional state in that moment.

It's hard, it really is. I wasn't able to really do any of that until pretty late into my healing process because learning to read my body's and my mind's emotional cues are so difficult, especially as someone with a dissociative disorder (which naturally means I'm more disconnected from those aspects of myself compared to the average non-dissociative person). I'm thankful that my therapists have been able to help me learn this skill to both help me and to help my interpersonal relationships.

[sammygender]

Hello, you post from the other day made me think: Are any of the other Winchesters (Mary, late season and early season Sam and Dean) ideologically opposed to violence again children? Like idk. Feels like early Sam and Dean might be in a "vague, obviously I would never do that" but they've also never been parents. But then late seasons, its like :/

oh great thing to ponder

mary i feel like we don’t see anything on screen in either direction? but it doesn’t feel like her style. of course we don’t see her actually parenting kids much but she doesn’t seem whatsoever overly emotional or particularly controlling and she’s very sweet to jack from what i remember and idk i just have a hard time imagining it. whether she’s incredibly opposed? idk, again she’s born in the 1950s and was raised hunting which is innately a violent atmosphere. but she also really did not want her kids hunting & is very distressed by the fact they’re still in the life. idk. to me it doesn’t read like someone who thinks hitting kids is whatsoever ok. that being said i think she’d be upset if john did and she found out, but not, like, insanely upset by it to a point of it changing her opinion on john.

sam and dean….. well canonically they do of course really hate violence against children, s1’s nightmare and s12’s american nightmare come to mind, plus i remember mark of cain dean yelling at what he thinks is a bad father but i dont remember the actual context for that. that being said both those episodes are very extreme cases of textbook physical abuse that i think anyone sane would be disturbed and upset by.

at the same time i think both of them are biased via not wanting to view john as physically abusive in any way. s1 dean probably thinks slapping ur kid a bit is like. fine. no harm done. he certainly defends john to sam enough... i reckon after john dies and he starts processing things he goes back on this completely but by late seasons/dabb era he’s probably back to his original opinion. sam thinks hitting a kid is always wrong because they have so much less power than you except for when it applies to him as the kid. in that case it was basically fine.

basically i do think they’re both ideologically opposed but sam more so than dean. also dean hits sam and smashes shit up when he’s mad so he’s not exactly or whatsoever ideologically opposed to interpersonal violence in his other relationships…..

that being said i dont really see dean hitting a kid he can just take that out on sam or the furniture around them instead. dean’s violence is a lot less unintentional than he sometimes makes it seem, it’s usually a purposeful demonstration of control, and i think actually hitting a kid is a line i can’t really see him crossing. not because he isn’t that bad but because he wouldn’t want to conceptualise himself that way. whereas john probably wouldnt think so much of it. but maybe i’m wrong 🤷‍♂️ ??? kind of split on this. interested to hear other peoples takes on it

sam never. not in a million years. and he is definitely strongly ideologically opposed, id say the most of them all. i hate to say it but i think if dean did it he’d manage to defend it though. the same way he defends dean telling jack he’s going to kill him. ‘dean was wrong to do that! but Also, he’s going through a hard time-’

wrt to jack……. i mean dean basically tries to kill him😭. early s13 is pure abusive family core. do i think dean would hit jack? he shoves ben into the wall but it’s an accident... and he’s pretty distressed by that iirc? he probably would in early s13 but he wouldn’t think of it as violence against children. which doesn’t make it better in the slightest. but to dean it does. <3

thanks for the q anon!!

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Good Omens 2 Episode 1: what’s in a name

So I have just watched the first episode of season 2 of Good Omens, and I am going to write this post instead of watching the next episode right away for two reasons: one, watching tv for too long gives me a headache, and second, I refuse to let the streaming companies’ obsession with dropping entire seasons at once stop me from enjoying the journey, and enjoying the journey for me means stopping to think and write about things.

So this is my reaction to episode 1 of Good Omens season 2. Spoilers, duh.

The fil rouge that runs through the episode is the theme of names. We have Aziraphale who introduces himself by name in the flashback to Crowley, who does not reciprocate that kind of introduction, which paints a picture of where they stand in relation to each other, i.e. not exactly on the same page.

And then we have Maggie, who makes a gift to Nina based on her name (the Nina Simone record), but Nina cannot play it, which represents how they cannot be on the same page at all due to circumstances.

Of course we have James long for Jim short for Gabriel. And then we have Muriel, who is asked her identity so she has to say her name but also insists she’s nobody. Also, in the first scene with Michael and Uriel, Michael states their names out loud, which emphasizes how their identity is tied to their name, which highlights how Gabriel not remembering his name and then being forbidden from using it is an encapsulation of his struggle with identity. (There’s also the clothes - being naked is as far as you can get from the normal condition of angels with their pristine outfits, but that’s quite an obvious imagery trope.)

So this is an episode that deals with identity and how it relates to interpersonal relationships.

The first scene is absolutely lovely. They are immediately comfortable with each other - Crowley feels free to act nerdy, Aziraphale, despite his fear of saying anything “inappropriate” at all, expresses his concerns regarding Crowley’s attitude. But they’re not quite on the same page, due to their differences in personality. Crowley is nerding out about the nebula and doesn’t quite get that Aziraphale is trying to connect in a different way (exchanging names). So Aziraphale feels that Crowley doesn’t care about him, but then Crowley shields Aziraphale with his wing. Crowley is not the kind of person who likes to use words to express emotional matters, Aziraphale is (thus how he makes Crowley speak his apology out loud, complete with dance). Crowley’s love language is actions, not words, more specifically actions to protect Aziraphale.

An additional difference between them that is highlighted in the scene is how Aziraphale cares primarily about people, while Crowley cares primarily about nature (stars, ducks). Crowley is interested in the universe as a whole, and doesn’t have much affection for people in general. Aziraphale loves people. And that’s why one stayed up and the other went down, of course.

And of course the difference between their priorities is the source of their conflict in this episode, as Aziraphale sees a vulnerable angel (something he can relate to very much) and automatically decides to help him, but Crowley’s priority is Aziraphale’s safety.

Nina and Maggie are wonderful mirrors for our main characters, although way behind on the relationship process than Crowley and Aziraphale are. Nina needs to keep Maggie at a distance, due to her being already involved with another person and thus being unable to let herself connect with Maggie. Nina is perfectly capable of being affable and sweet, as shown with Aziraphale, so her curtness with Maggie can only be explained by the fact that she finds Maggie cute, and that’s why she cannot let herself get close to her, so she does her best to put up a wall between them.

Basically, Nina doesn’t have the player to play the record on - she does not have the circumstances to metaphorically let herself listen to Maggie’s music.

On the other side, Aziraphale has a record player, and has started listening to his beloved music, but Gabriel’s arrival interrupts him, just like Gabriel’s arrival creates a conflict between him and Crowley.

(The records are gay love, yeah.)

Crowley’s anger, though, forces Maggie and Nina to connect a little more - I would say something about anger not being a primary emotion, but stemming from love, but we were all here for Supernatural meta first, so it’s way redundant.

Speaking of Crowley being, um, smoking, let’s change the topic to fire/heat and light.

At the beginning, Crowley is trying to make a nebula happen, but forgets the first step i.e. “let there be light”, and Aziraphale helps him remember to do it.

Then there’s the empty box of match sticks in heaven. Out of place, because there should not be any material object in heaven. I’d say it represents a source of light and heat, but it’s empty, so it is and is not at the same time.

Conversely, Gabriel is naked and cold but then Aziraphale gets him a blanket and hot chocolate and he stops being cold. Not quite fire/light, but still warmth. So, again, heaven is coldness (but not quite in the right conditions to change, thus the match stick box being empty) and earth is warmth. (Hell is coldness too, of course, with its damp, dark spaces and ineffective neon lights.)

Then we have Crowley’s lightning and smoke, which makes the electricity (light) go off in the coffee shop, but then Crowley comes back and fixes it.

(A note: the box with the arrows pointing up - clearly representing “up up” is empty. Boxes are empty, heaven is empty, Gabriel is naked. Something something metaphor.)

Cinematographically speaking, the episode all revolves around sources of light, like the sun (I love what they did with the lighting when Gabriel gets to the bookshop). In case you missed it, in the flashback scene Crowley protects Aziraphale from being hit by the sun, which bounces off Crowley’s wing:

And then, insert something about lamps here that traumatizes Destiel people.

In fact there’s the quote on the match stick box:

[ID: partial screenshot showing the quote “Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out - Job 41:19”.]

I’m sure the exploration of this theme is just the beginning.

I guess these are the things that stood out to me during my watch. I’ll conclude this post with a final consideration: this is it! Now we’re talking - it’s a queer comedy! It sets itself absolutely as a queer comedy. It goes straight to the point. It’s no longer a comedy with a queer overtone. It’s a queer comedy. I love it. I can’t wait to watch the rest. But still one episode at a time.

[centrally-unplanned]

As I am now full-in on the body count section of The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere, I do have growing complaints about how it handles its sort of mystery build-up and reveal aspects. There is an adage for mystery novels to "have your answers ask more questions"; you set up a mystery, you *resolve* the mystery, but that resolution itself just creates deeper mysteries. This of course works very well to keep ratcheting up tension and keep the story moving forward; but it also resolves tension at the same time, you do actually get answers as you go. As an author you can perhaps think of there being a "quota" for the number of active questions for the reader to be considering; if you stack too many at once its both too hard to track them and is frustrating to read about, the story never delivers.

TFTBN breaks this rule; not every time, but a lot. In particular with Su's identity/trauma origin it happens all the time, you get literally dozens of "more mystery" moments behind it before you ever get any answers around it. Its just too coy by half! Why is my narrator like deliberately hiding their own thoughts from the reader across dozens of instances where those thoughts would be extremely relevant? The tension has already been ratcheted to the max, you can set it aside for a bit if you want but if you dangle the question in front of me too often it loses impact.

And even though now we have been getting answers, its *still* playing coy. You have a flashback to a scene of child Su being confronted by Ran over her identity mystery, and she breaks down and starts to explain it, and then the scene just cuts, so you only get a half an explanation. Which is enough to pretty much piece it together, so like the tension is gone? Now when you are coy about it (multiple times after that scene!) its a little lame actually, who ya fooling! But what it did is take away the opportunity to just have a really good scene. You cut away from a character's moment of emotional revelation and interpersonal confrontation.

Mysteries, to simplify of course, do two things for the reader; they make you turn the page in your desire to know more, and they set up dramatic stakes for their reveal in scenes. Its a balancing act ofc but you don't want to sacrifice the latter to keep baiting the former.

I feel this too around the "villain faction" for the story. Right now the villain faction is a virtually-unknown group of actors who have had no interactions or relationships with any of the characters, using mystery tactics to kill people. We are many chapters into that plot, multiple people of note have died, but they are still just strangers - their stated motives minimal and seemingly farcical.

Ofc I am no fool, I understand via meta knowledge and have picked up on the hints they have dropped that they will in fact not be strangers in full - I get how stories work. The problem is that meanwhile we have had like multiple scenes of the group having the traitor debate - "is it one of us?" But that question is silly because I *know nothing about the villains* of substance. Why would any of these classmates betray their group for them? We have no info on that. Oh sure sure I have these like, tiny *mechanical* hints. Like one time Seth? He gave a thumbs up to Ezekiel, when they were supposed to be mad at each other. Sus, my dudes. But that isn't a *motive*, right? Its not a compelling story, its just data. Because the story wont resolve any of its dangling questions, the idea that any of these people is a traitor is just dumb, you would have to like explain the entire plot in one infodump to sell it as interesting. By insisting on drip-feeding every mystery, instead of chained resolution-renewal, these plot threads aren't developed enough to work when they need to.

I do think this comes back to the fundamentals of the pacing issue - there is essentially a desire for this story to be longer than it is. Its a 3000 page book (equivalent ofc), but it isn't, not really. I am ~1000 pages into it I guess, but its probably not even ~500 pages in actual content. I could do this in definitely 400. And this is more than just a padding problem - its that structural thing, to make that length work and still be decent as a story (which it is, its a good story overall) you have to sort of chop up your big moments , which sort of kills them.

Like there is a character, Jia Fang, a fellow student who doesn't go with the group, but is mentioned a bunch as a sort of wild card, and its built up right? They are totally gonna show up somehow, there is tension about what they are up to, and then bam, they literally burst through the door. Its great, they make a huge impact, the chapter ends on that cliffhanger.

And then after maybe a few paragraphs with them the next *multiple chapters* are about a conversation between other people, about other topics where Fang is barely mentioned, and then literally, literally, we get multiple other student's academic thesis presentations, before the plot that Fang showed up to be involved in kicks back into gear. Its self-sabotage right, the literary moment broken apart because the story has to hit quota.

Its certainly a case where the serial nature of the publication would make it ludicrously difficult to fix, that I totally get. Art is really, really hard.

[drdemonprince]

Do you think the idea of "I feel" statements being better/less argumentative than "you" statements is an (almost) universally useful idea or is it just a cultural thing?

I think like many therapeutic tools it's overly blunt and very easily misused or rules-lawyered into a manipulation tactic.

Have I benefited from pivoting to "i feel" language in the heat of an interpersonal conflict or romantic squabble before? Absolutely. I think using "i feel" sentences help the most when you're swept up in an unproductive fight about the facts of a conflict, or the meaning of someone's behavior, when really you just want to drive down to the emotional truth that you are hurting.

Sometimes emotions get heated but you're terrified of revealing how vulnerable you are and so you latch onto some error the other party has made or some leap in their logic that you can sink your teeth into, and you pursue that intellectual task, angrily, your rage intoxicatingly distracting you from how wounded you actually are, and making everything worse and more contentious. in such moments, if you really value the relationship, it means a lot to be able to step back and say instead, "Sorry, i don't even actually care about the thing we are supposedly fighting about. I just feel really hurt/criticized/like you're gonna abandon me."

Lifting up the lid of rage or judgement and finding sadness and fear underneath can be really helpful. And sometimes, all a battling pair really needs is for at least one party to acknowledge that they aren't being perfectly rational and they aren't the sole arbiter of the truth, they're just feeling attacked or left behind or undervalued or filled with grief. once you switch from debating facts to acknowledging feelings, both parties in a "fight" can work together to repair the relationship, instead of trying to score points on one another.

That's all great. It works when both parties give a shit about how the other person feels, and both have the capacity to admit to being wrong.

That said, I often it cloying and manipulative when people shift into "I feel" language during a scenario where emotions are not the core problem, and there is actually a fact that was wrong or a behavior that needs to change. I'll share an example.

A few months back, I was invited to contribute to a social media platform branded as being by Autistics, for Autistics. The organizer wanted me to answer a bunch of questions from Autistic users on her platform. "This is your space too!" she told me, cheerily. "Make yourself at home!"

I went on the platform, answered a few reader questions, and then took a screenshot of one of the more interesting q&a topics and posted it to my other social media pages, a thing i am very known to do. A few hours later, the organizer of the platform sent me a long private message.

"I am so hurt and so disappointed that you have done this," she told me. "This platform is for all of us. This is your community space too. I want everyone to feel safe here. But you have gone and violated the terms of service for our platform by posting screenshots on public social media sites. I'm so sad that you would do this."

The message went on and on and on about how the organizer of this platform felt -- but the problem wasn't her feelings. She and I are nobody to one another. We aren't friends. We've never spoken before. I can't repair her betrayed emotions because we haven't any relationship to repair. The problem was my behavior. I violated the terms of service for her site. And so rather than getting swept up in attending to her feelings, I focused on concrete facts. And I said,

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know cross-posting was against your ToS. I'll take it down. Thanks!"

And that was it.

A few years ago, I would have gotten all defensive and shitty in the wake of a comment like this woman's -- I hate when people try to hold me responsible for their emotions or when they use an appeal to feelings to make me feel bad. It's off putting and makes me feel gross. It's manipulative and not relevant to the issue at hand. But it's exactly the kind of thing a white lady with chronic HR department syndrome and a background in therapeutic/supposedly nonviolent language would do. (and it's especially funny that this communication error happened on a site for autistics -- you'd think if anybody could be direct about rules and expectations without getting emotionally involved, it would be us).

Her use of emotionally loaded language -- and her telling me, a complete stranger to the platform, that the platform is "my space" while simultaneously telling me I have horribly violated some rule of the space I was never informed of and never agreed to, says a lot to me about her outlook. she's shown me her way of operating and i know that i'm not interested in being near it.

and if i'm not taking responsibility for others' emotions anymore, then, dealing with her complaint is pretty easy. i dont actually have to care that a complete stranger projected all kinds of unarticulated expectations onto me. i can just apologize for my behavior, correct it, and then never think about this woman or placating her ever again.

so, that's where I think the usefulness of "i feel" statements comes to an end. I feel statements can be great at redirecting the conversation toward the interpersonal relationship and the emotions of the people within it. But if the problem at issue is not anyone's feelings or their relationship, then communicating more concretely about facts and actions and consequences seems to me the more prudent thing.