#irl health tw

[primordialhazbin]

gonna be on an official semi-hiatus

Dad just had a major surgery for cancer and I'm going to be his primary caretaker until he recovers. Depending on my mood, energy etc, I may either be completely away, or inspired to write as an escape when my nervous system allows it. Right now, I don't know how things will pan out. I get easily overwhelmed 😓

[yformaldehyde]

Sorry haven't been on here much... Last few days have been rough. Little vent below. You don't need to read, I just need a small release. Might be triggering so mind the tags 🫂

Just watched my mom shave my dad's head. Really hope I'll get to see his chemo curls & watch him laugh about it. It's hard to figure out how to feel these days. I'm sad, but I want to share happy moments with my parents. I'm just so confused about my feelings that I honestly just feel irritated. Been crying a lot.

[findmeinthefallair]

*eats recycled cardboard* Won't be the last time they both experience suicidal ideation too T_T

[backfromtwitterforw]

Tweet from Etoiles :

Translation :

Hi Team, I owe you some news.

It's a bit s***** now, my mental and physical state are getting way worse and that's the consequence of never stopping myself I think + my body is in bechamel (an expression he has to say "in shambles"), and it's the first time that dark thoughts go through my brain at this level but my body can't do it anymore and it explodes my mental, it makes me super irritable and I'm not the person I'm supposed to be. I won't go into detail but for having check with a doctor, it's becoming urgent.

Translation :

Those last months with the Louvre, the parc des princes, the Unated States there were a ton of things and you know me, by continuously saying that everything's all right and playing stupid we forget the essential lol.

Thank you inifitely for your support I'm not complaining I have a dream life, it's just me who make mistakes and who's handling it wrong so I'm taking an indefinite break from streaming.

It will take as long as it takes and maybe it won't take that long but I can't see myslelf coming back without being perfectly well to make you forget you daily life because you deserve perfect entertainment and I also need to take care of myself it's important ❤️

Take care, yeah I speak english too because I don't forget you my intarnational bros todo bem 🥰

[shirefantasies]

Hi everyone. It’s me again. I just wanted to make a post I’m sorry isn’t clearer. Nothing is very clear right now. I’ve been feeling really trapped and broken and stressed by some potentially exciting but also very scary things in life. I’ve been struggling with who I am and what I want and if I even want to be here. I’ve had some great times lately and I’ve also had my worst self harm bout to date. I lost the one friend I had on this account and haven’t had my passion in almost all aspects of life for a bit. I’m not entirely sure if I’ll become inactive on this blog or just continue my hiatus but for right now writing has been too much. I’m sorry for all my drama, problems, and mental health things- believe me, I wish they’d go away too. I want to apologize to my friend for probably being a dick during my episode. I really appreciate all your support and messages while we were talking. It was really cool to have someone to talk to and I’m sorry I fucked it up. I’m kind of fucking everything up right now. There’s no real winning in my situation but oh well. Whether I stay on this blog or really anywhere I don’t know, but I’d like to thank everyone who enjoyed my writing for so long. Your kind words mean a lot, they really do!

[my-angel-only]

I can feel my mental health getting worse every passing day, it probably doesn't help that I'm off my high dose meds, have a lot of stressful things going on in my life atm and haven't been to therapy in over two months

[8unny9l0ck]

<3

[fretbored34]

All thanks to the plague 👍

[dylanlila]

my whole life i believed i would end up dying in a mental health institution and for the first time i think i might screw over the system

[icedmetaltea]

Yesterday was ok, today anxiety's been awful again...

(rambling abt anxiety and nonsense venting below)

felt dizzy/bit of vertigo throughout the morning and when I checked my BP it was 154/108 so that scared the shit out of me... I took a bit of propranolol and that seems to be helping but I'm worried bc when I asked about what a dangerous BP was my stepdad said 160 and up and that's uncomfortably close. The last time it was high it was only like 140/90 so this was really scary

I called the number the crisis ppl give me from a resource sheet on friday again since I never got a response after leaving a message on monday but this time they told me to call yet another number and they said I couldn't get any kind of help till I came to their office to fill out some forms and like??? I CAN'T LEAVE MY FUCKING APARTMENT

Do these people never get ppl with severe agoraphobia?? The last time I had a full-on panic attack I screamed at the top of my lungs and had to call 911 to get ppl to calm me down so I'd stop hyperventilating, you want me doing that in public again??????

Anyway she told me I can call the supervisor and see if she could make an exception in my case BUT ofc she wasn't available and I had to leave a message, no clue when I'll hear back and when I do I doubt she'll even be able to help me

I fucking hate this system. This is why so many people kill and hurt themselves. When they are lost, when there's nowhere else to turn. When the crisis ppl come they give you a whole list of resources but what is there for people like me who are stuck at home, broke, unable to work bc they literally cannot function like this when it gets this bad every couple of months (sometimes more frequently)

it's either go to a psych ward where they'll pump you full of meds that'd just give me the same "locked in" panic attacks which trust me are far worse than toughing it out at home where at least it isn't bright and loud and horrible or face shit on your own

I thought it was starting to get better, yesterday I cooked 3 meals for myself, I went outside and sat on the step for 5 mins, today I can't get out of bed bc every time I try the room spins. Even when I'm laying down like this it's bad. Even if I close my eyes it's bad... I slept better last night and I thought I was doing well but no, midway through the day everything's horrible again. I keep feeling out of breath no matter how many deep breaths I take... other times I feel like there's "too much air" and I'm breathing too fast and can't slow it down... how do I even describe it??

I feel like I'm going insane but at the same time I know it's been this bad and worse before. I remember my childhood. I remember laying on the floor struggling to breathe, alone. I remember begging god to take this sensation of dread to go away, or to just let me die. Anxiety has a habit of always seeming... idk unfamiliar? No matter how many panic attacks you have, they always feel new

and what's worse is I can't even remember how I eventually always overcome these phases bc I ground rule growing up stemming from OCD I had at the time was I wasn't allowed to write anything in a journal bc it was "bad luck" or something (at the very least my OCD isn't nearly as bad these days) Idk if it takes days, weeks or months to get better. If I spend half a year or longer just waiting for things to get better then like um... it kinda becomes a quality of life issue, doesn't it?

Idk maybe it's the weather. It's 65 rn, yesterday it was mid forties, so maybe that's it. Well then I'm fucked bc it's only gonna get warmer as it approaches summer, and ya know climate change and everything wooooo

Doesn't help that the past two times when my stepdad witnessed me having those really bad attacks he said I should go to a padded cell or something... I know where he grew up there was no such thing as mental illnesses or therapy, only "crazy and not crazy", but damn it hurts. At least my bio dad understood what was going on to some extent. He knew anxiety was out my control, that I was going through it but that it didn't make me "crazy", just that my body was reacting physically to something seemingly unsurmountable on a mental level.

My stepdad was even surprised when I told him anxiety is the second most common mental illness nation-wide. I've talked to many other bad anxiety-sufferers, the reason you don't see us outside a lot is bc most of us are inside afraid to leave our houses! We're literally just trying to survive in bodies with malfunctioning nervous systems and in a society that literally is built around causing stress on a daily basis- on normal people, so just think about how that is if you literally have the being-stressed-out disorder my guy

it also seems like whenever I talk to my mom about this she tries to immediately talk about something else. Like I messaged her earlier today and when I brought up feeling dizzy and having a high BP she just said "Sorry you're having a challenging day! We're at the library getting library cards. Libraries are nice!" like sure some ppl like talking about light hearted stuff to distract them but sometimes I just need someone to be there and listen, you know? All it does is make me clam up and bottle all my emotions in, which ofc makes it worse.

I'm scared to check my BP again. I feel like there's something terribly wrong with my body but it's not as if I can see a doctor if I can't 1. afford it till medicaid processes or 2. fucking go to the doctor. You want me to have another one of those soul-crushing panic attacks and shriek around some stranger in an uber?? Hell no

So yea idk what to do. I have a math test this weekend and I've barely studied at all, can't get myself to focus on anything. I can't drop out again, I've already failed this class twice. I don't think they'd let me take it again and I'm pretty sure I've run out of financial aid to pay for it

Ofc mom and dad are gone, my sister said she'd visit me the other day but "forgot" to, so I'm alone. Completely and entirely alone.

The one thing I have going for me is the PMDD won't start up for another week or two so at the very least I have a will to live rn. Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand but since it's just anxiety atm I'm still able to have the motivation to cook and clean when I'm not ya know unable to get out of bed bc my heart is beating out of my chest

When it does come back, well... I'll keep those crisis numbers on speed dial. I've survived all this horseshit, I might as well make it worth something. Idk maybe the thing I'll keep living for rn is a fucking pet fish someday. I have to hold on to every tiny thing that gets me through the day bc there is a chance, even if extremely slim, that things will in fact get better

[softmeetscreatureplz]

Btw sorry but unfortunately my mind is currently trapped between Shame™️ (over existing. Fuck being so socially anxious-) and Guilt✨️✨️(not doing said things) and Tireddddd (everything irl)-

Plus mother has decided to be extra homophobic nd shit the last couple days, and apparently me nd her *alone* r going to a fair together tmrw so. If I'm not responding 2 anything that is specificly plot/heavy/have to be somewhat mentally aware 4,, I'm sorry nd ill (probably. Hopefully??) be back on Saturday.

[gumpistol]

:: SEMI-HIATUS NOTICE ::

as some may have already seen when i said something about it a few days back, due to some other health concerns, i am being taken off of my adhd medication for at least the next 1-2 months until i can get other health issues at a better place. i have no idea the full scope of how this will affect me, as this will be the first time in about five years that i'm not on any sort of medication. i.e. i could be in for a WILD ride folks.

i am certain of one thing though, writing, especially long-form, is going to be so much harder, and as a result slower, and possibly even non-existent. i struggled keeping up with rp writing A LOT prior to getting placed on meds, to the point of nearly giving up on it because i genuinely thought i could not do it.

that being said, until the end of June, my activity is going to be very low, and things i reply to are going to be purely based on where the dopamine wants to go. i don't want to try and force any writing, i don't want to fall back into the mindset of writing being something i dislike. i LOVE writing Luffy, i love writing my other OP muses, and i love that i've been able to feel excited about writing again for the first time in a long time. i really don't want to lose that, but i also understand that my health is struggling right now and it needs to be prioritized.

i have no doubt that my moots here will be understanding and patient with me, it's just a matter of me being patient with myself. but regardless, i just ask for some extra patience as more typos potentially happen, if my grammar gets a bit muddled, and if my writing is generally shorter since i won't be able to focus on the same threads for more than 15 minutes or so at a time. or i just have a sleep attack at my desk and pass out mid-writing. it's gonna be high school biology all over again lol.

on that note, any replies i do have written up to now will get typed up and added to the queue to trickle out over however long. i will still be present on the dash and engaging in shenanigans as much as possible, and i will also still be available in DMs for chatting and plotting, but i can't definitively say how well i will do with responding when my brain is being a spazz. who knows, maybe i'll actually do better at it! aha, no promises 

[cloudcountry]

guys im so sorry depression and evil thoughts have been kicking my ass again and ive come to the realization that i will always have to live with them. not fun but i am going to sleep now so hopefully i feel better in the morning.

[skys-archive]

I was in the shower and heard someone scream and for a second I thought it was in my music but it sounded outside of my headphones (they're waterproof) and out of place but also I couldn't quite tell. And the other person in the house was no help because she also had headphones in. But she always talks about how she can hear when they're on so idk.

Anyway it's kind of freaking me out because the only audio hallucinations I've ever had (besides one time) have been people screaming. And I haven't had any kind of hallucination in months.

Idk I'm just a little worried it's a precursor to psychosis getting worse again. Partially because pretty much this time a year ago was when my psychosis got really bad and at the time I was untreated and not in therapy. And I know sometimes anniversaries can bring back trauma responses, as well as doing the same things I was doing last year.

Not to worry anyone, at this time I'm doing well mentally and I know it's more likely that if it was not a real scream it was just a one off thing, I'm just on edge for several reasons.

[lullaebies]

This is a mental breakdown post. I will survive this and this is not me signalling I’m going to kill myself, but I am referring to suicidal thoughts so if you read it — this is for venting.

This feeling of helplessness feels like it will never change. No matter how good of a person I will be it just wouldn’t matter, no matter how hard I will try. And I try not to complain, because people have it worse, but there is this sense of betrayal almost every single time. My mental health was never great, but I am growing exhausted. I always thought I’ll end it by age 25 — and while I’m a year off from it, I hate that to this day I still am finding myself in pain over things that were never my fault to begin with. Damn it all. I wish I didn’t care so much about people who don’t give a single shit about me.

[theflann]

me shoveling food into my mouth before the horrors start