The fact that Gawain spent his whole life despising royals and hiding the fact he was from a noble family because he never wanted to be a knight just to be knighted by Arthur when he thought his death was soon
The look on his face there’s so many emotions so many thoughts in his pretty head
“Only for Arthur would I do this”
“I can’t fucking believe I’m gonna die a fucking knight”
“How the hell did my life end up in this way”
*contemplates EVERY life choice*
“Fuck it, let’s do this thing”
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Character Playlist: Gwaine Turner
You can find character playlists for Dai, Morgan, Perry and Gwen already posted on our blog (and at the links on their names here).
The last of our main character playlists! Episode 5 is Gwaine's episode, of course. Let's get to know him a little better.
First Class by Rainbow Kitten Surprise
I say I'll be damned if we can make it out of this alive
But is this what you want?
What you wanted?
Do you need love?
Am I enough for you?
In time you'll find I've got my baggage too
A lot of Gwaine's story is about the tension he feels between what other people expect of him and who he actually is. The Knights want him to be one version of himself, in the way that the rugby team and his friends at university did. Dai wants to be a different version - but the version Dai wants is one which surrenders everything from the other side. Gwaine is caught between all these people who think he's beautiful, who want him and want to use him, and very few of them remember that he too is just a man who's as traumatised and grieving as everyone else is.
2. The Quittin' Kind by Eleisha Eagle
There's a corner you painted yourself in
I'm not sure what was your intention
Now you're trapped alone on an island
And you can't swim, no you can't swim
Gwaine left Dai, Morgan and Perry in the middle of the night in the haunted wilds of Bannau Brycheiniog after they made their escape from the Knights. He stole half their supplies to make it back and he didn't leave a note, knowing they'd assume he'd been killed by something in the night. Obviously, this wasn't a great thing to do to them - especially to Dai. But as we learn in the series, Gwaine did it because he was being pulled back by Arthur's song. And when he got back, he realised he was no longer the only popular jock in the one small group of queer weirdos who understood him. He was alone.
3. Look Alive by Guster
The sun came up
The world began to shake
Fault lines exposing
All my own mistakes
If I could do anything
Then this wouldn't be happening
It's been a long time
Since I've felt courageous
Gwaine is extremely frustrated with his own conflict between wanting to be comfortable with his sexuality and also wanting to be everything that everyone wants him to be. He knows that the popular, charismatic man who was drowning in friends before the Cataclysm was not a man that anyone wanted to be bisexual, so he just pretended he wasn't. He was 'straight-passing' (I hate this phrase, it's a core part of Gwaine's character arc), and he hid. And he hates that he hid.
4. Scared of the Dark by Lil Wayne, Ty Dolla $ign, XXXTENTACION
I ain't never scared and I ain't never horrified
I just look down at my Rolex, it said it's the darkest times
I ain't never terrified, I ain't never petrified
You know I see dead people, I just tell 'em, "Get a life"
After the Cataclysm, Gwaine has an even bigger reason to be nervous about opening up about his sexuality to the Knights given their general bigotries. But he also, like Perry, has a job to do. He's a Knight. He protects people. He's the person who rides out alone in the night to go fight the monster everyone else is scared of. Before he left, he took half of the protection duties from Perry for looking after Dai and Morgan. And with the Knights, he's one of a band of brothers protecting what they're pretty sure are the last few hundred people left alive in the UK. So every day, he gets up, and he faces the monsters, because someone has to.
5. Growing Pains by Layup
I walk this world with broken toes
From my missteps and told you so's
I learned my way, breaking every bone
Now I see all these aches will make you grow
And every fall has a rise, every burn has a flame
From foolish to wise, we all bruise the same
Slowly but surely, left alone with very little decent company among the Knights and no one who really understands him, eating himself alive with worry about what's happened to Dai whilst also begrudgingly reassuring himself that Perry would never let anything happen to him, Gwaine has a lot of time to think, and grow. He starts to get a bit of clarity about the man he wants to be, and starts to learn from his mistakes. He decides to stand up to the men who've backed him into this corner, and for the first time in his life, be something other than what everyone wants him to be. Himself.
6. To the Desert by Branches
I came out to the desert
To find what I lost in your eyes
I filled my lungs with the sunset
And walked out into the night
Gwaine leaves the Knights for Dai. That's not a lie. He wasn't sure whether Dai was even alive before he found him on the radio, but he'd decided months or years walking through the wilderness looking for the love of his life was better than merry bullying in Camelot. He walked into the wasteland.
7. Our Kingdom by Hugo Barriol
If you choose the red, and I choose the blue
We can share the green, we can share the green
When I've lost my words, looking at you
I didn't know your name, I didn't know you could-
Change what I see
Change the way I feel
I was far away from me
I wasn't listening
Gwaine knew he was attracted to men before he met Dai - he'd messed around with a couple of people in various ways. He did not know that he could love men before he met Dai, and it's part of why Dai is so important to him. For Gwaine, the nights spent staying up til 3am playing video games were just as important as the drunk hookups he pretended didn't happen. Dai never really realised just how much he meant to Gwaine - he always assumed he was just a passing fancy to him.
8. Gawain by The Trials of Cato
In crashing blows there is no game
But when the Emerald Knight begins again
I risk my life to make my name
Our Gwaine is determined not to be remembered as a coward. He doesn't want to be cruel, and he doesn't want to hide from who he is or his love of Dai. He's entranced and enchanted by the story, which pulls him in, playing on these tendrils of his desperation for acceptance and catharsis. He so badly wants to prove that he's brave enough to be worthy of a man like Dai. It's an easy opening to exploit.
9. Blood Upon the Snow by Hozier, Bear McCreary
It's not my arms that will fail me
But this world takes more strength than it gave me
The trees deny themselves nothing that makes them grow
No rain fall, no sunshine
No blood upon the snow
You get it.
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Uh so something happened
Like yadda yadda modern interpretations and stuff but like, the quote is
“I wish I were a fair maiden, then I would woo him [Lancelot]”
There is some context to this, and based on the context it can be debated whether or not Gawain was trans, but still. Oh but on that note.
Gawain is absolutely bisexual. Regardless of the context, if you’re a man and unironically express a desire to sleep with what is clearly a man, then you are some flavour of gay. And Gawain, the ladies man of Arthurian myth, expressed a desire to sleep with the handsome knight. He is at the very least bisexual, probably poly or pan given how he’s slept with magical creatures and loved a wide range of women.
Just my two pence.
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