#is it autism? is the autism limiting me?? am I not autistic ENOUGH? not adhd ENOUGH?

[z00r0p4]

Really want to grind my brain into a useless pulp rn

[slimegirldick]

I AM FINALLY MAKING A PINNED POST! REJOICE!

I'm slimegirldick. You can call me Slimey, Anne, or Annie if you want. I'm a bottom leaning switch. I'm 5'11", and I like doms who tower over me, so my life is a struggle (I like little doms too, don't worry). I'm bisexual, transfeminine, polyamorous and overall, very queer. I'm autistic and have ADHD. Autism is undiagnosed because I'm scared of medical discrimination, but anyone who knows me can tell you that it's a sure thing. I also have chronic pain that makes it impossible for me to walk safely without a cane. I'm currently trying to raise money for a wheelchair so I can go out of the house long enough to run errands and spend time with friends. I know my url suggests I'm a slimegirl but I am extremely puppy coded.

Help me eat and not be homeless!:

https://cash.app/$woopsallberries

In a relationship with: @chewtoychell, and @aberranttree ❤️

WARNING!:

This is a kink blog. I reblog hard kink and I do not tag it, including stuff that is not on my kinks list

TAGS:

Slimeposting (reblogs with additions)

Slimetime (selfies)

Slimesays (Original posts and responding to asks)

Slimedrooling (reblogging hot people and art)

INTERESTS:

Dungeons and Dragons

The Earthsea Cycle

Skyrim

Baldurs Gate 3

Cassette Beasts

Anime and Manga (but like in a fruity way)

Webtoons

Cock

And Pussy

Genitals of All Kinds Really

KINKS:

Pet play

Knife play

Impact play

BDSM

CNC

Primal

Breeding

Tentacles

Mind Break

Hypno

Monsterfucking

Praise

Degradation

Bimbofication

Humiliation

Exhibitionism

Free Use

Body writing

Musk (the smell, not the fascist)

Bush (the hair, not the fascist)

LIMITS:

Detrans

Ageplay

Misgendering

Feederism

Scat

Snuff

DNI:

Minors (love you sweeties but I don't want you seeing my ass)

Chasers

Feeders

Nazis

TERFS

Fatphobes

Bigots in general

PEOPLE WHO EXCLUDE OTHERS FROM THE QUEER AND KINK COMMUNITIES!

BDSMtest.org Results:

[lyriumrain]

As an unemployed, 31 year old autistic/ADHD person who's been through a few jobs and many, many years of volunteering and various training/certificates, I ask - what do I do? What exactly am I supposed to do? Because society is telling me I should just die.

I see a post going around time and again, often reblogged by "successful people" I follow (aka people who have found their favoured career path), that says networking is vital - that you can't get anywhere without networking.

So, with that in mind - what do you do when people don't like you? What do you do when you don't "fit in" anywhere? What do you do when masking your autism doesn't work? What do you do when unmasking, and trying to be yourself, still doesn't work?

Something I've greatly struggled with is people... just not liking me. I'm not saying they're bad people, quite the opposite - it's normal to not like/be neutral about someone who you unconsciously perceive as "weird" or that something is "off" about them. However, I can't do anything about that. How people perceive me from a quick conversation is not in my realm of control. So... what do i do?

At the end of the day, the supposed life-changing networking hasn't ever panned out for me. That is just the reality I live with. People, generally, don't like me enough to be interested in what I want to do, they don't like me enough to remember me (so there's no mentioning of me to people who could help), and in the rare instances where someone tries to help - it's down career paths that are not compatible with my abilities and limitations (and god knows I've tried to follow those paths regardless because, despite how this post might come across, I am actually an optimistic person - I'm always holding out hope that the next thing I try is going to work out).

I am forever grateful to everyone along my journey who's been kind to me and extended a hand, but the fact of the matter is they were not in a position to help me in a meaningful way.

"Networking", (aka socialising), is just something humans do. Which makes sense why it's become this... "thing" in capitalism, a "thing" that you need to do to prove you're a good worker. A thing that people are always talking about, but also never talking about at the same time. There's zero help for those of us who cannot seem to get a grasp on it. Just network, network, network.... and if that doesn't work then "obviously" you're the problem - "obviously" you're just a horrible person to be around.

This is not a "woe is me" story btw, it's a story of fucking anger. What am i supposed to do? I wish someone could just tell me what basic life skill I must've never been taught that will permit me entry into living a normal life.

[selectivechaos]

intermittent mutism vs situational. chronic catatonia

main differences i could find (from 1 website and 1 unit of energy. also: do not have intermittent m; these are quotes from site) were:

sm situations are more consistent and related to social anxiety; (and although the dsm criteria excludes autism, i’d like to point out that many people with sm are autistic)

intermittent mutism can involve social anxiety, but also a range of other factors which, for many with it, is related to chronic catatonia, autism and adhd.

“We’ve seized on the term ‘selective mutism’ (a separate diagnosis defined in the DSM to explicitly exclude autistic people), but most of us don’t report the ‘selective’ pattern of mutism, where someone consistently speaks in one setting but not another, classically a child who speaks at home but not at school. 

Instead, we go mute intermittently, when we’re experiencing sensory overload, are drained from performing at work or at an event, have anxiety over an interpersonal interaction, or have been alone for long enough to get out of the habit of speaking.

This intermittent mutism is, for me and many other people, part of a larger cluster of experiences: Chronic catatonia. Most symptoms of catatonia involve freezing up or slowing down, but an inability to inhibit repetitive actions or physical agitation can also show up.”

long post under cut about what intermittent mutism and chronic catatonia can look like (from experience of just one person)⚠️

🌹“there are many different gradations and expressions of mutism, beyond the obvious one where you can’t speak at all. For me, levels of mutism include:

Being able to speak normally, except to bring up one topic that I want to but am afraid to.

Being able to speak but not say ‘no’ or anything to that effect.

Not being able to speak normally at all, but appearing normal-ish because I (not necessarily voluntarily) reply with empty niceties or whatever my brain assumes the other person wants to hear.

Being very limited in my speech, slow and halting and not able to say what I mean directly, but able to utilize what I can say and people’s reactions to it to eventually get a situation resolved.

Being unable to speak at all, but able to type or write.

Being unable to speak, and having my hand freeze up when I try to write, or my legs refuse to move when I want to stand and get something to use for communication.

🌹“But this mutism is itself part of a broader spectrum of catatonic experiences, including:

Being stuck in a weird pose, completely unable to move, yet displaying “waxy flexibility”––like a posable doll, if someone were to move my position, I would hold it.

All of the above, but with only parts of my body impacted, e.g. I can move my left arm but not my right.

Lying in bed unable to get up for hours after waking every day, unless I have a strict routine of getting up at a prompting event (like an alarm clock, or a certain amount of time before a bus comes that I really need to catch).

Sitting in the car for half an hour after parking. Sitting on the toilet seat for over an hour after showering.

Staring off into space while sitting/lying somewhere much of the time.

Automatically following instructions or assumed expectations from other people.

Being able to walk again but only if I’m walking with someone.

Moving jerkily and/or slowly, sometimes with bad balance.

Various forms of mental shutdown in stressful situations, such as large sensory-overloading, unstructured social gatherings.

Temporary physiological changes including extreme susceptibility to cold, reduced strength and endurance, and a difference in heart rate.

again, would like to point out that many people with sm are also autistic. this is not a ‘stop using sm as a term’ post. this is just because i’ve known a few autistic people irl who experienced things like this and didn’t know what to call it, so they ended up using ridiculously inaccurate and harmful phrases like ‘going nonverbal’ when they were still speaking some of time🌹🌹

[littlelife-bigdreams]

Welcome to my blog :]

Good morning, afternoon, evening, or night! I'm Luca, otherwise known as Mr. Tomlinson, or "the librarian." Here are a few things you should know before interacting:

I am autistic! It's difficult enough for me to interpret tone in real life, so it would really mean a lot to me if tone tags were used for clarification :] I'm also semi-verbal, so if you have questions about that, feel free to ask!

I don't appreciate unkind attitudes or actions, so please be considerate and respectful when messaging or replying to me. This blog is not a place for hate.

If you have any questions about the library, ask them! I love my books just as much as I love talking about them.

I'm not as open around the kids about this, but I'm gay and happy with it! I'm not looking for a parter at the moment, though, so keep your virtual legs closed or I'm launching you off the face of the planet.

I have a condition known as Functional Neurological Disorder. It does what it says on the tin--there's a disorder with my neurological functions. It may be a point of contention within the healthcare industry, but it's very real and affects me daily. I'm more than glad to answer any questions about that as well, because Lord knows how many of my kids ask me about my crutches whenever I need them, lol.

OOC: Admin here! Hello! I'm Mitch, and Luca Tomlinson is my OC. Currently, he's in the FNaF Movie universe, alongside my friends' OC's, aptly titled The Fan-Fazgang.

Luca is 24 and a moderate-needs autistic. He's semi-verbal, and uses AAC and limited sign-language to communicate, unless he's comfortable enough to speak or deems it necessary for the situation he's in. He rarely masks, and because of this, the library is his dream job. A quiet environment, tons and tons of books, and easy, repetitive tasks that he loses himself in make him feel right at home. He got the job as a shot in the dark, as the previous librarian was retiring due to age, and Luca needed some form of income after moving back in with his mother, who herself was struggling.

Lo and behold, he got the job, and the town loves him! He mostly works with the schools in the area, as none of them have their own libraries, so his regulars tend to be children between the ages of 5 and 12. Due to trauma, he tries to keep himself scarce if any teenagers happen to stop by, but they've gotten nicer over the years. The kids are his favorite, though. They think Mr. Tomlinson is the coolest guy on the planet! At first, the parents thought he was an asshole (resting bitch face, thanks autism), but they immediately fell in love with him too after just a few visits.

Luca loves being a role model for the various disabled kids he sees throughout the day. Autistic kids, kids in wheelchairs, kids with crutches, ADHD kids--he loves teaching them and their parents about what it means to be disabled, and how it should be embraced. He's even made a little shelf where educational books about disabilities are stored, just in case someone wants to learn something new.

Deep down, Luca's biggest dream is to have a child of his own, someone he can love and support to help them become the best version of themself that they can be. Being the town's librarian is the closest thing he's got so far, and he can't help but flap his hands when he thinks about how exciting his future's going to be.

Luca loves life, and you should, too.

(Admin is 17, uses he/they/it, and lives in EST. Asks are open!)

[echofromtheabyss]

I feel like what people are calling masking... in me, it's not a whole ass Fake Self. It's more like... being totally focused on being like whatever it's necessary for me to be like, and being a High Self Monitor, and usually it's downstream of a high grade special interest, and only that really gives me the executive function to portray that. But it's not socialize masked vs socialize unmasked. It's... socialize or just stay in bed all day, lol?? Which is really more about how I am feeling? It's not like there is this Ideal Autistic Self that is in any way actually functional as a person, in my case. It's not like I'm performing something I'm not. It's performing as in Living A Life.

Usually my identity shifts are connected to whatever my Non-Relational Limerent Object is. Because I experience a similar set of feelings when I'm in a new rabbit hole that I would experience when crushing on someone. In common with what some people say that supposed Borderline is supposedly like (that you can supposedly outgrow it in your 40s)... at some point, I stopped being limerent. (I am also only in a really good, lasting LTR since my 40s.)

But at that same point that I stopped being limerent, I stopped really having an all consuming interest, either. For years after burning out the last time, I just didn't have an interest in anything except posting on Tumblr/etc, and trying to stay alive.

That I am not doing what I recognize as masking is only because I'm not interacting to begin with.

'Unmasking' isn't me being some spontaneous free spirit trapped in here that finally gets out, it's actually me hitting my limit and being trapped inside the figurative glass jar, dissociating. Or I can't control some aspect of my body or I just can't even move from exhaustion. I don't enjoy it! If I'm able to get through

Now, there are some interaction modes that are lower energy consumption, like being on Safe Mode. If I don't have to consciously be "on" all the time around people, that's an example. If I'm actually getting something positive out of the interaction (positive attention and or something *I* experience as a fun interaction) then that also makes it less draining.

Outside of autism discourse, there have been whole discussions about this dynamic that present it as a normie one, so it was possible for me to not frame it via the autism frame for over a decade.

Especially when my special interest was in a field that has a culture of "calling" and workaholism, and a *mythology* that it's made up of smart people with actual prosocial traits. And also for the first time, my school major was not working against my brain (I'm going to talk in another post about WHY "softer" subjects can actually be harder for some ppl than STEM adjacent subjects) and it's a work culture that mythologizes being a go getter. It's also based on regulations and is a very very culturally and socially diverse labor pool. It wasn't just that I was performing normie to be in health, I WAS more normie because I was in health. And when I burned out the first time - I didn't recognize it as autistic burnout, because I had a strong narrative of it being a statistical norm for health care workers. Also, I had an ADHD diagnosis and was on meds for a while and *that's* what explained me enough to myself. But once I was in health work - ppl who didn't actually live with me, didn't see the problems, even when there were real autism spectrum-comorbid/adjacent LD issues that kept me from being able to keep my certs or get more. And there, I was just one of a large number of people who washed out.

I relate a chunk of my social performance stuff as closer to Spoons Discourse than Masking Discourse.

And it's not that I was ever performing anything... I have a strong, passionate interest that is taking over my life in the moment.

I went through a phase of dressing retro classics and Dieselpunk, with a short black bob and red lipstick, when I was studying graphic design.

But when I'm feeling ick, I'm just ick

[arynecho]

One thing with how shit my autism assessment was that kinda fucks me up is that I wasn't given a type/support need level. At first I just kinda assumed I was type 1 since I was given the diagnosis "atypical autism" (which I'm pretty sure is not legit anyway and they missed so much shit it's almost comical) but when I look at support needs charts I fit quite a bit of the stuff on the type 2/medium support level. I don't know if it's enough to qualify as that, but not knowing is the most frustrating part.

I wasn't diagnosed until early adulthood, but I was neglected as a child and nobody around seemed to know anything about autism or ADHD - not to mention I'm AFAB and POC/an ethnic minority in my country, so I don't exactly fit the stereotype, no matter how obvious the signs were. I know for a fact that I have been repeatedly failed by the adults in my life, but since nobody picked up on it I almost feel like I'm not allowed to even consider being anything more than low support needs.

The thing is, I was never really good at masking. The closest I got was making my stims smaller and quieter because I was a people pleaser, but people knew I was different. Everyone knew I was weird, including myself, but I couldn't comprehend a way to try and fit in so I just didn't. But I'm pretty sure most kids didn't really like me, and more put up with me than anything.

While I wasn't in special ed (that was a very limited thing at my scho anyway) I was frequently behind in several subjects and clearly struggled to keep up, but since my teachers thought I was just overly thorough they didn't seem to think of it as much of a problem - after all there were rowdier kids to worry about rather than the weird and slow but quiet and generally well behaved one. I always had more shutdowns and meltdowns, and my meltdowns have always been more crying and running away than turning it outwards - I don't know if this is because of trauma or just how I am naturally, but I was mostly seen by everyone as a huge crybaby and an extremely sensitive child.

I had some developmental delays, but again, I don't know if they're enough. I struggled with potty training for much longer than what's typical, and I was selectively mute until I was around 5-6 (adults just assumed I was shy, but I remember other kids pointint out specifically that I never spoke). I also had some speech difficulties when it came to pronounciation, but I never saw anyone about it - I worked hard to learn how to correct it myself when I started getting bullied for it by the older kids.

Again, I don't know if I'm a medium support autistic who slipped through the cracks, or if I'm a lower support need. I basically can't trust anything from my assessment because they were so incompetent they constantly wrote completely wrong things, and they based a lot of their decisions on what my parents said - you know, the ones who neglected me, my father even admitted that I was overlooked in favour of my brothers.

Even today as an adult, I don't know if I'll ever be able to live on my own. I don't think so, but I've also been in burnout since my mid-teens so I don't have much to base it on. But at least as I am now I struggle with pretty much everything. I can't take care of myself and can barely take care of my siblings when they need me. I haven't been able to study no matter how hard I try since high school, and I don't think I'll be able to get a job for a long time. I want to be a tattoo artist, but even that feels like more of wishful thinking at times, and I doubt I could do it fulltime.

All this isn't even to mention my physical disability, which makes everything even harder. Not knowing my support level not only confuses me, but it also fucks me over when I ask for accommodations because I don't know and I don't have any proof

[ut-obsession]

So, let’s talk about alphys.

(UT/DR SPOILERS)

Yesterday I said that she was neurodivergent but with no explanation whatsoever since I only had time to type that much. Now I actually have time!

Alphys is definitely a shy, introverted character, and that can happen with anyone, but that’s not true when it comes to the way it’s presented.

Alphys shows many common signs, like hyperfixations, and this shows why she talks about them, like with Mew Mew. When Mew Mew is discussed, she talks about it for a while, though her shy trait seems to stop her from going on longer, but anxiety is a trait in ASD, so that’s very important. Hyperfixations occur in almost every neurodivergence. The most common ones are ADHD and ASD (Autism)

The other thing is how she reacts to things. Neurotypicals generally react to things in very “normal” ways. However, when you go on the with her is when this isn’t “normal”, so to speak, although normality shifts from person to person, so for Alphys this behavior cna be entirely normal. When doing the date roleplay, if your undyne, she will suddenly have an outburst. This is a great example of neurodivergence, though I’m sure that sounds like nothing. However this lines up with ADHD and ASD once again.

ADHD and ASD are the two ones I’ve been mentioning, but with no indication on which it is. Now it’s entirely possible to have both, but I don’t think that’s actually the case.

Let’s start with her interests. For example, Mew Mew. In both UT and DR, when Mew Mew is brought up, Alphys starts to talk about it a lot, more than she probably should. When talking, she exhibits an insane amount of hyperfixation, obviously, but also something interesting, one that is 10x more common in ASD. She doesn’t just talk about the plot itself, or important/funny scenes that any media enjoyer would remember. She mentions the smallest details. Little things that commonly nobody remembers. One common trait of ASD is noticing small, minuscule things in shows, books, and every day life. This is very uncommon but possible in ADHD, but very common in ASD.

Another autistic trait that makes me think Alphys has ASD is how she seems to have almost no friends. She’s very lonely, keeps to herself a lot. Plus all her traits seem to limit her ability to make friends. This is extremely important in ASD. This paragraph is to short so I’m just continuing. She also doesn’t seem to recognize social cues often, like during the quiz show when Alphys starts rambling about Mew Mew, not recognizing that she isn’t supposed to say anything.

Final thing I’d like to talk about is her planning. We learn before the Mettaton fight that she had mostly planned our whole journey through the Core. Planning out things like how she did is actually something Autistic people tend to do. Along with this, her struggle to make friends could make her desperate enough for this trait to come out, leading to that part of the game. Alphys doing this is that final piece I need to be 90% sure she’s Autistic.

Remember, this is a well researched but unprofessional theory. Key word is theory. I am interested in a career in psychology and am currently researching it, but am not yet professional enough to say this is true. Without Toby Fox himself’s input, I still wouldn’t know for sure if I’m right.

Today’s recommendation: DR Chara Timeline! It’s a well written and fun read, and it even has its own Weird Route!

Before you comment, please read my boundaries and rules post to avoid commenting any offensive or inappropriate content.

[kyrodo]

Further analysis on the autism thing, I am most likely not autistic. I am introverted. I do have difficulty starting and maintaining conversations. But I don't necessarily experience extreme interests in anything. I tend to be moderate across the board, I do like games but I often know less than other gamers unless it's the games I've spent the most time and research on. Since I don't really check news.

But most of all I understand people. I am hyper sensitive when it comes to social cues, and I am always watching every action and reaction closely to figure out what someone is thinking and feeling, and I tend to be pretty accurate. While I have trouble with analyzing speech if someone is speaking too quickly and my mind is distracted by something else, like if I have a crush what to say on Twitter, I'm otherwise very good at understanding communication and every bodily and verbal cue that goes into it. Enough that I even understand people that are atypical. Not because I am a psychologist or anything but because I am aware disorders exist and I always try to work around it. I have enternode and vera to thank for that. And a part of my mind is always looking for these signs and trying to show understanding where others would otherwise react.

Like Brownie I noticed he has disorders in his vrc profile and I suddenly understand a lot about his behaviors and sympathize. And I understand Choskey has his own issues he doesn't have a doctor's diagnosis for, but the ones I think he has start with adhd and tourrettes syndrome. He has an unusual amount of procrastination and action paralysis and difficulty focusing. He makes noises that seem involuntary every now and then, making these low grunts that aren't meant to be expressive. And he has a lot of excitable energy that gets released by saying a word aloud several times to me. And I can definitely work with that. Being understanding and receptive of such behaviors is how you become someone's number one. He has also expressed that he knows other people have noticed issues in how he communicates or misses social cues, so Asperger's or a low level of autism is also suspected. I personally have missed social cues on group settings where there's too much to focus on and I'm a bit more trusting than Red is when it comes to people that I don't notice incoming threats. I'm optimistic and hopeful that people aren't planning anything or have malicious intent, and my observational skills when I'm avoiding eye contact with randos is very limited.

It is good for me to have Red protecting and taking care of me, and Choskey to play with and be social with. With both of them I have a much more well rounded relationship that covers all my needs. Choskey is also extremely affectionate which is a huge plus. My heart is swooning so hard because of him and I am experiencing immense happiness.

[idkhowtosocialize]

right so this is a LONG vent about some autistic experiences I have in the work place and more (assuming this post isn't going to reach anyone)

I've recently been diagnosed with autism with a possibility for adhd and I have a job that I hate

I always knew the types of jobs I can take on are limited, anything to do with costumer service or even any human interaction at all is out of the question, and anything too physical or stressful is a no go so I had the impression a simple office job should be perfect, right?

well, I was wrong

apparently, an office environment is too lively and demanding for me there are people talking in the background all the time and walking around behind me and I just want to focus on my stuff and it's driving my insannneeee I just feel like I'm being punished and tortured every day

idk what hurts more, the noise everyone is making or how loud the music I'm listening to to block their noise is every noise or movement around me is like I'm being actively hit with something

there used to be times when we were less people and the office was a lot quieter, and I still hated every second of it !!! because being around people all the time is HELL, I can't stim, I can't move, I can't do anything but stare at the screen and make it look like I'm working

EVEN WHEN I'M ALONE I FEEL CONSTANTLY UNCOMFORTABLE this environment just doesn't feel safe for me, I feel like an animal in a cage, constantly being watched and expected to behave

not to mention how DRAINING this is, i spend almost all of my free time at home being checked out and shut down just trying to recover

i feel so useless and broken, usually I don't really mind the things I can't do because I don't want to do them, but this is a thing I wanted to do, and that is important and it feels like a failure of me as a person me being recognized as autistic is pretty recent, so I still put myself to a standard of an average neurotypical, and it's hard to recognize my struggles as a result of a disability and not as a personal shortcoming

like what does it even mean to be disabled? like is it true that as long as I'm able to complete what's expected of me I'm not disabled ? it feels like as long as I can keep pushing through I need to keep pushing through, even if I do the bare minimum

and where is the line between can and can't? who is the one to decide it? can it be a conscious decision of the brain? is it an instinct ? is it the point when your body is failing and try as you might you can't control it any longer ?

I want to believe the limit needs to be set before you actually harm yourself, but growing up with an invisible and undiagnosed disability it feels like me hurting isn't a good enough reason (whether it's emotionally, mentally or physically) but then how am I supposed to know the difference between hurt enough and not hurt enough, because both of these hurt!! how am i supposed to know when to listen and when to ignore my body ??

am I fully just subjected to others opinions and how much can I make them pity me?

I am forever trapped between my own struggles and the worlds expectations and I really can't take it

[phantasmagoricalphuctupery]

So it's disability pride month, and it gave me the desire to share some things. I tried to be brief but it still ended up kinda long.

I have been disabled in some form or fashion since I was in elementary school. It's gotten worse with time, and in the past four years especially.

I have ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia, Bipolar 1 Rapid Cycling, GAD, ADHD, Narcolepsy, Sleep Apnea, Chronic Migraines, and Persistent Tachycardia.

This is what I have been diagnosed with officially, but there have been some signs that my therapist has noted could indicate I have autism.

I know what you are probably thinking, "no one could have that much wrong with them". Unfortunately probability rolls the dice on each one separately, and some are commonly linked together, and it's just made one giant mess.

Some of them took over 15 years to get diagnosed, doctors never wanting to believe that I could be as tired as I said I was.

Slowly but surely, my health just went down the drain. It's taken a long time to accept that my life will never be the same, and some days I still grieve and rage.

My world has mostly shrunk down to my home and doctor's offices. Lots of places are just impossible for me to go unless I'm being pushed in my wheelchair. My anxiety is off the roof when I have to leave the house, and getting ready can leave me without the energy to actually go.

My body has transformed into something I hardly recognize. My inability to exercise, weight gain side effects, and having given birth have all conspired together to create a body I cannot love, no matter how hard I try.

While getting a divorce from my abusive ex, I had to make the impossible decision to not have physical custody of my child. No matter how much I love my son, the truth is that I can't care for him the way he deserves. I still grieve over this, I try to spend time with him and then I stop being able to be a functional adult. I forget his vitamins, am unable to bathe him, forget that normal people wear pajamas and not the same clothes they've been wearing for days. He is autistic, and struggling, and it kills me not to be there. I love to listen to his hyperfixations and bond with him over them when I can, but it's not enough. Luckily he has so many people that love and care for him, both sets of his grandparents live in his town and he is never neglected.

My life is spent sitting. When I have the energy for it, I sit at my computer and play video games for awhile until I am too exhausted or the pain has gotten too bad. I bought a top of the line chair that is supposed to be extremely comfortable and supportive, but I can only sit for so long without being in intense pain. So I bought a top of the line cushion that is supposed to handle pain, and I still have to limit my time and take breaks because the pain still breaks through.

The rest of the time I'm on my loveseat. It's much more comfortable but only for so long. When that gets to be too much, I move to the bed, which hurts in different ways but at least lets me let other parts get a break.

I cannot say I am proud of being disabled. It has taken too much from me. I'm lucky and grateful to have support, and I know it could get much worse, but every day is a struggle and my life has lost meaning.

[wellnesscard]

i self dxnosed adhd like 5 years ago and have been sketchy abt claiming it as a "thing" bc of expounded identity politics relating to mentall illness field - especially in this retarded renaissance fueled by influencers WHY is autism the topic-of-the-year *idk* at least when i was going on my mid-teenage-identity-trip there was no tik tok dimension shifters just me n countless clinical pdfs in the basement...) i know psychology n how its all just terms defining clusters of observable behavior or reported internal phenomena. ahem hem nevertheless i am so not normal and while adhd was a better fit than the depression/anxiety cluster i was assigned by psychiatrists 2016, it still does not make as much sense as it could, hence, entertaining the Aspergers after uhhhh several inputs from the people close to me. i do understand i have very fulfilling criteria which does fit the understanding of such clusters, however, im not keen to draw conclusions based in the pathological understanding of such human difference, as it obviously extends past the limits or coordination of what we can really understand. like we are looking at one beam into the sky, estimating the cosmos from a 1/900000000000 representation and assuming the "accuracy" to be applicable enough to feign understanding of such bafflingly complex summnsabitchez . idk i got carried away. spoken like a true autist (pronounce like a guy from boston saying Artist). oh i got distracted i re-read it tho n what im trying to be saying is that even tho im 87% sure im on the aspergers autism spectrum: its not something that to a damn matters to me since of course im so buff, and i dont want to step on anyones toes that does care about the community of autist lil damn bastards etc because im suchhhhh a dick by accident all the time >> fuckn symptom >> and like am not Doing Bad so wotsa issue. basically i think this identity craving is retarded and pointless and only makes more clear the lacking of our societies and our world-wide, rather than an individual failure that deserves to be examined - examined for what?? that im so fuckin sexy??? ya you wish.

[metapianycist]

oop, i got back on my adhd meds but never reinstalled tumblr because several other things happened one after another, including but not limited to my hair thinning due to T, my health becoming more complicated in several ways, and my firing a therapist.

this was my first time firing a therapist for the reason of the therapist not understanding autism, after two sessions. my first time actually firing a therapist, period. (i had a therapist a decade ago who was unsupportive of my wanting to pursue autism evaluation, and accused me of wanting to collect diagnoses, but i never officially fired him; i just stopped going to sessions. my next therapist, who knew multiple autistic adults in a non-therapy context, immediately recognized me as autistic at the first session.)

so this time. my new therapist was treating my communication difficulties as if they could be solved by being more confident, when my issues are pragmatic. no amount of confidence will tell me when it's my turn to talk, or result in my not saying something insensitive or leaving out important details (because keeping track of other people's mental states during conversation is quite difficult).

he was giving me unsolicited parenting advice to "assert myself as a parent" (based on assuming my toddler was doing something to deliberately annoy us rather than because of a relevant and recently-diagnosed skill deficit) and getting defensive about it when i said "that won't work."

he said "why don't you just" and did not want to listen when i tried to explain that i cannot "just" (because there were too many steps in his suggestion to hold in my mind at once).

and he disapproved of my desire to tell future medical specialists that restrictive dieting and weight loss are not things i am willing to attempt and that i want them to offer the same treatment options to me that they'd suggest to a thin person with my condition. i'd brought this up in the context of communication issues and anxiety i have when advocating for myself to doctors. this really messed me up because he wasn't thin and I'd expected at least that he'd believe me that having concerns about medical weight bias, when every medical record about me highlights my BMI as a problem, were rational. (and perhaps you shouldn't tell a client with an eating disorder history that they're not allowed to tell a doctor "dieting and weight loss are not treatments i am interested in"??)

anyway, i explained what happened to another person in the clinic and though i framed it as a bad match, i gave enough information that the clinic could conclude that this therapist was out of line wrt to eating disorders if they wanted to independently pursue any kind of disciplinary action. i didn't want to go through the effort of making a grievance myself, i just wanted a therapist who understands how autistic people's anxiety is different from, and needs different approaches than, the anxiety of someone whose only neurodivergence is depression and anxiety.

[double--cross-d]

As is fair exchange, I feel like I should make my own current Wick headcannon page for @plummyplums (holy crap they did accidentally delete their old blog)

In general

All died around the same time frame

They get more decayed depending on how pissed they are (no way out appearances anyone?)

Mary and John were highly abusive, there was nothing supernatural, But the priest didn't help. Mary was killed by the Ghost Tom immediately after she buried Caleb alive, but he left the body in the charred house so no one knew.

Every ghost is part of the Tom Protection Squad™️

The order of the shelf items were the order they died.

Twin general

Both had autism, Tim is higher functioning than Tom

Both were 10

Both died on the same night.

Their father kicked them out into the woods when they were 8 for a year. After he died their mom finally let them back inside, but was still neglectful of them

Due to how cold the woods got at night, the two got in the habit of cuddling each other in order to stay warm, it was purely platonic, don't worry.

This carried to inside because their mom never got them any blankets (though Caleb gave them several of his)

Lillian and Caleb thought it was fucked up how their parents treated the two and did everything they could to help

Tim

Died in the house fire, attempting to keep the already dead corpse of Tom company.

Stims usually include whittling and basically any woodwork.

Can and will stab a man for his brother.

Was the younger twin, but always threated people by saying he was the older twin.

The first one who took a liking to Sam, whenever they found something, he'd be the one to take it back to the shed.

Is surprisingly the less violent twin, but not by much.

Mom fully convinced him that he was a demon, believes that he never died in the fire, just managed to fall asleep in the flames

His face is coved in bandages under the mask due to it being heavily burned.

Tom

Died from polio before the fire started in his twin's arms.

The rattle is a big comfort object. The only person allowed to handle it is Tim. Sam's position on the matter is... questionable at best.

Nonverbal to the point that's he's practically mute.

When Sam's They/It ass came along, Tom was full on estatic that there weren't limitations on pronouns. He decided that he was one of those He/They's we keep hearing about

He was terrified that his mom was right about him being a demon. The first thing he did when he woke up after dying was jump of the bridge because, 'oh shit I am a demon', which did nothing but break more bones.

Tim quickly assured them that he was the only demon of the family, not Tom

The leg brace helps him walk better than not.

The more violent twin. You're human? You look at him? You hurt Tim? You fucking die, no questions asked.

Really likes being carried. Sam is the only one tall enough to do this, though Benny and Tim have both tried.

Caleb

Died by being buried alive by his mother, thinking that he had died in the fire.

Full on feral.

Seriously, he can't even talk that well, if he even can.

Doesn't even know the concept of gender, only hunt.

Has killed 3 moose and will kill another.

When he's not digging he's either killing something, chasing something on all fours, or chilling with Sam.

Oh yeah, Sam's his favorite person. You can tell from the fact that he not only uses them as a pillow, but they can hold him without their wrists being depleted.

He still chews on their legs

Was the one behind the camp being 'vacated'. He literally ate everyone there and fell asleep just as morning hit.

When he was alive he has ADHD, but was hella good at masking because his twin brother's got treated awfully for acting like your average autistic child.

His stims were running around, chewing on things, and crocheting.

No one questioned the fact that he liked to crochet, as it was productive and really good. He usually just did blankets but occasionally made clothes and toys for Lillian

Due to the fact he made so many blankets his bed was just a mound of blanket and they were often gifted to the rest of the family, especially the twins.

Had anorexia. Rarely ate, and mostly gave the food to the twins (out of both concern and I'm not eating this)

This is part of the reason that, in death, he will eat anything that he can get his hands on

Was bone thin when Benny got him and Lillian out of the fire and he had suffered several nasty burns, that's how his mom thought he died.

Lillian

Died by dropping her plush in the well and going after it

Loves bunnies so much

Tried her best to help her twin brothers, which mainly included sneaking food out to them

Really scared of her father, even though he died when she was 4.

Thought that Tom fell down the well before her

Enjoys giving hugs

Really Likes when Sam does her hair

Benny

Died from hypothermia in his sleep.

A less abusive apparition of his mother when awake. Caring towards his siblings, but highly cautious around the twins.

Had issues referring to Sam correctly, until they gave him the advice, 'Just refer to me like I'm a swarm of bees'

It actually worked

Dyslexic

Almost always sleeping because he died in his sleep

Sam

Fell on an axe at the beginning of hour 5 and didn't notice they were dying of blood loss until they blacked out, only to wake up on the bus and see their name.

Another abusive dad! This one actually was murdered by Tim somehow and nobody noticed but Sam.

Was actually rescued at 5 AM by the police, but, again, bled to death

A They/It Nonbinary, none of the kids but Benny had any issue referring to them by correct pronouns, and even then, Benny had a lot of help.

The Weaver kids just adopted them as an older sibling. They had no say in the matter.

When Duncan and co. Got out of jail and continued their shitty ways, they full on killed them all, even the next to be player

Loves their new family, even if they're all a little dead.

Surprised that Caleb was the one to get most attached, but then remembered that he killed a moose that was about to attack them, gave them some of the flesh to eat, and then just fell asleep on them.

Was in a house fire a few weeks before the game took place. Half of their face and their right hand are heavily burned.

Looks blind, but is only blind in one eye. The other doesn't fair much better though.

Despite getting top surgery, they're still aiming for confusion among the victims

Autism, and doesn't really speak too much because frequent nonverbal episodes

[painted-crow]

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.

[dolleduptrash]

//Rant

It seems like now that I realized I’m most likely autistic (like I’m 99% sure, but I haven’t had the chance to be diagnosed yet) I’ve started noticing things about myself and how they connect to autism. Realizing behaviors that are common within the community, reactions and limits, things I had blamed myself for being difficult with.

I think it’s also made me realize how NT people don’t always take how you feel into consideration. A lot of the time they’re just focused on things being socially acceptable and “normal”.

I recently got a job as a caretaker for my special needs cousin, who’s highly dependent on whoever is caring for her. I’ve also been watching her brother, who is autistic as well.

It’s not exactly hard, just periods of being busy, but I do admit I have time to sit and play on my phone. I think because of this, my family isn’t viewing the job as something difficult. I guess normally it wouldn’t be.

I haven’t told many people about my discovery regarding my health, but I did confide in my aunt in hopes that she would understand since her son is autistic.

At the time I didn’t know it wasn’t the best to call myself “high-functioning”, so I did that, because in the eyes of society that’s what matters, I’m able to do what most expect, although they don’t seem to realize the effort it takes me, they just see the outcome of things going wrong.

Anyways, as soon as I used the term high functioning, my aunt immediately seemed to brush me off, saying “oh well if you are, like you said, you’re high functioning.” I know she didn’t mean it in a negative way, I’m sure she meant for it to be a positive, but it just feels invalidating.

I hate the idea that since I can conform to most of society’s expectations, that means I’m not valid for what I do struggle with. One of those things is routine and change. I don’t handle sudden change well, whether it’s something complicated or as simple as my day plans being changed. Working for family has perks and wiggle room, but my family isn’t seeming to understand that I need a heads up for when I’m working. They tell me the day before, if that, and I can’t get enough time to prepare myself to go work the next day.

I wish I could have a weekly schedule, and I know they’re capable, but I’m scared of asking because they’ll see me as being picky or annoying. I don’t turn down any requests to watch the kids, all I need is time to acknowledge that I’m doing so…

After quitting a stressful job and being technically unemployed for over a year, having an official job feels like I’m trapped. I have to commit, especially because it’s family. So I feel stuck. But I want the job, I need the money, I need the stability. So I hate that I feel bad about things being figured out. I was doing so well with my mental health, my depression was being handled thanks to new medication, I was reviving my hobbies and my interests. I was proud for no bad days, relatively speaking.

Today my family had decided to plan my day without actually asking or involving me in the decisions. I knew I was to work today, and yesterday I learned it was at 8:15 until around maybe 2-3. That was fine, I wish I knew the time sooner, but I had energy ready for the task. Then as I’m working, my uncle calls and asks what time I need to be home to take care of my mamaw (who recently moved in and also needs full time care, which my grandma is accounting for). I was confused because nobody mentioned to me anything about taking over caring for my mamaw for the day. Then he asks what time I’m going to be back over to watch the kids…?! I expressed my confusion and how I had no idea. I talked to my aunt and then my grandma trying to figure out how it was decided I was doing these things, even though nobody checked in with me.

After some consideration, I don’t have to care for my mamaw as my grandparents don’t have time to go to their event and still get back in time for me to come back and watch the kids… which I’m left feeling guilty for although it’s not anything I can control. I am coming back to watch the kids around 7 though, for an extra hour or two.

Even though it’s been figured out and things aren’t going to be confusing, I’m upset. An upset I haven’t felt in a while thanks to staying away from employment and other stressful things. I was doing so well, and I hate that this is what caused my slip up. I feel inadequate. How am I not able to handle such a simple job? When even I know it’s simple?

I can’t even express how the decisions and actions affect me, as I don’t want to feel invalidated, with my aunts dismissal of my possible autism, and my grandma’s straight up disbelief. I mean, she didn’t even try to be supportive. She said “so what, you think you have this now?” (In a condescending tone) When I showed her a decent sized list of symptoms and signs that I showed which aligned with autism and adhd. She said it in a disappointed way. I think she sees me as my mom, who is happy to claim any problem she can pass with, and she enjoys attention from it, even if it’s proven she doesn’t have that issue. (By doctors and stuff, but I don’t know, I try not to judge and just stay out of all of that). But that’s the exact reason I gave her such a list of things on why I believed this. Since then I’ve done more research and self reflection in order to feel more confident in my discovery and to figure out if it was possible. I even have my psychiatrist helping me find somewhere to do testing, which already has proved to be difficult.

Anyways, yeah the only family I’ve told hasn’t reacted in a way that makes me feel safe to talk about limits and problems.

I just feel stuck. I feel so good about myself, my identity, now that I’ve realized why I am the way I am. I’ve accepted it and I genuinely love who I am and how I react to things, I understand it. I just hate that I don’t get the outside world to match that same acceptance and the help that I need. I’ve done a lot recently to accommodate the things I experience, and it’s helped a lot, but the ones that aren’t exactly my choice… those happen to be the ones that always mess things up. And I’m frustrated. This post doesn’t have a satisfactory ending or a true purpose other than me venting, so I apologize if you expected something more productive.. If you actually did read all of this (sorry lol) I hope you have a good day, and I hope I have a good day tomorrow, even if I don’t today.