#my own mom says my life sucks lmfao

[z00r0p4]

Really want to grind my brain into a useless pulp rn

[fudanshidoublevision]

Double Vision as a father.

Ray better kill him before Double puts his bloody claws on MC and even thinks of forming a family with them. /j

Dude, no, imagine being his CHILD, i feel sorry for anyone who has Double as some type of...paternal figure, LMFAO.

Experiencing parenthood isn't on my “to-do list”. Plus having a child, on this ECONOMY? I'm good.

Parenting is a humbling experience, my parents had taught me AND told me that. Well, that is certainly my fault because I was the devil reincarnated when I was a kid— but they still call me their little devil so not much has changed I guess. ( ͡°з ͡°)

But in this scenario...even if the circumstances aren't ideal, I believe that anyone can do their best if they really want to, it's not easy. It isn't the children's fault that their parents are so troubled. (meaning, if their progenitor is Double Vision in this case, lol)

I've discussed this with my best friend once, a long time ago and they said something about how Double will view his child as a possesion and extension of himself (and yours too, because he would only care about that kid just enough 'cause you are attached to them), i kind of agree with him. But, I mean? If Double Vision has kids with MC, wouldn't that mean he is fond with the idea of having kids? I haven't mentioned nothing about him being capable of “baby trapping” you because everyone else is disposable to him but you aren't. For all he cares, he only needs to held you tight by your throat to remember that he only needs you, he doesn't want or need someone else. In this scenario, your child was planned and wanted.

Even if you loved your child, he will be uncapable of loving them back the same way you love them but he wouldn't be uncaring, dude is deranged and a major bad influence. Mostly because of the way he is and taking in consideration the fact that his parents were emotionally and psychically absent when he needed them around, it's not an excuse considering how in this similar scenario Ray didn't had NO good-present parental figures on his whole life but wants to try his best, it just kind of explains why he acts and why would he act like that. I'm not saying that Ray would be perfect at parenting a child just a bit better than Double for sure, not gonna lie Double gives me “crazy-unstable uncle” vibes.

He is not right in the head, neither i am but hey, this is not a competition for who's more deranged, so...someone has to be the relatively-stable and emotionally available parental figure. (Meaning, YOU.)

Just sane enough to not make a mini Double 2.0. Who can be worse.

He would care...and “love” (the way he “loves you” is pretty different) his own child his very particular way. Yeah, he would be cruel and a piece of shit to you but just a tiny mean and highly authoritarian towards his child.

me if our kid ever asks me why their father fucking SUCKS at giving advice and why is it always has to end up with someone getting hurt:

"Mini-me, if you ever need adivice, you can open up to me and say whatever is bothering that little head of yours. Keeping some ugly thoughts to yourself isn't good, whatever it is, I'll never judge you and you'll never scare me off....What about your dad...? Eh, he...just isn't the best giving out advice. Some people aren't good with their words...and tend to say things that are bad, sometimes it's better to do...whatever you think is right instead of following what others may "advice” you but you can always double-check with me to know if you are doing the right thing.

Why, you ask? WELL... what about if we just...OH, what if we go out for a bit? Would you like that? I'll buy you whatever you want. ANYTHING! Just...dont tell your dad, okay..."

It's sad but it's not easy to explain to children why their mom/dad/parent acts or behaves “weird” or is incapable of doing things their other parent can do.

Oh well, i believe Double's kid wouldn't question what their dad tells them to do or say because...that's their father, they don't know any better than what their parents tell them.

Double's parental skills aren't the best; he is driven by his own emotions and he is the definition of what impulsivity means. He doesn't care much about consequences and who he might hurt to achieve what he wants and what he NEEDS. (You, again, for example. He obliterated the previous Night Crew members because of your “disappearance”. He may or may not broken someone's bones and mayyybe, just maybe! I think... he threatened some people here and there to get your location.)

I thought that maybe he would use your own child as a weapon to tame you so you'll do whatever he says. Emotional manipulation and conditioning...not even that poor kid is safe from that, Double is VERY MUCH controlling and overprotective. No matter how you behave, he stills wants you but of course, he loves a defiant behavior but he can't deny that he enjoys it when you "make things easier".

After all, parents will do anything for their children, right? Oh well, I'll be guessing that you'll do that for the sake of your child. Sorry if I'm wrong.

It doesn't really matter how that child appeared or how they were conceived and brought to you two to form a family. Those little details don't matter, you'll try your best, right? No matter what. You don't have much of an option if you are with Double, I guess. ಠಿ_ಠ

But I have the feeling that this freak will be overjoyed if the kid, shares your and his blood and genes. Just another thing to reaffirm his ownership over you. I don't think he will be capable of harming his own child, psychically, I mean. Maybe he WILL threaten you and say he'll hurt your kid when you “act feisty” so you'll give up.

Double Vision wouldn't be jealous at all of his child if they take all the attention from his most beloved possession off him because they aren't simply a bit of a threat to him and that kid is just trying to bond with you, i don't think Double would even bother to get in between of the parent of his kid and his child. Unless it is to annoy you or just be insufferable, as usual.

I like the idea that he underestimates what his child is capable of doing, lol.

For my own mental peace, i didn't added details like “what if your child had abilities?”. Because I have the feeling Double will be up to NO good with that little piece of information.

But let's just sit and think about it, either way, if your child is an ability holder or not, doesn't really matter if Daddy Double is around. Anything is possible and who is he to deny his child's wish to follow his daddy's step? Villainy, I mean, lol.

He would be overjoyed and proud his child wants to be a villain, like his parents. Well, he still is a villain and MC is not longer in the business because of Double, LMAO.

If you'd like to enter a more dangerous territory well, what if his kid wanted to become a hero? Not even an option, haha.

It's not like they have one, being a villain or just a regular citizen, no child of Double is going to become a hero on his guard. He will be very open about his distaste on the wish of his child wanting to be a hero, he might be ticked off by that.

Maybe he is usually cold-headed when he interacts with his own child, I think it's enough with him having you in edge constantly, at least he wouldn't behave or treat them the same way he treats you. Even though, there are times that his patience runs thin (when annoyed or angry, not entirely directed towards his child) and could say some concerning things that his child may take to heart.

Parents knows best, I've heard from a certain someone say before.

Now, what if that child grows? Woah, they are going through the terrifying, horrifying, traumatizing, horrible phase of adolescence! Amazing, worst years of my life! ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ

They are slowing growing into becoming an adult, they might realize how different everything looks when you are a bit...mature, you become more aware of what's going on around you. They will notice about how some behaviors from their parents aren't normal and not what they seemed, I'm specifically talking about Double Vision but you get it.

Maybe they will develop a rocky relationship with you but I believe that no matter what they will still love you and care for you, maybe you'll become their favorite and appreciate more the way you cared for them, who knows. Maybe they will hate you because you didn't tried enough and had to choose Double Vision as their shitty dad (I think it's for the best if they didn't know the reality of your situation 😁), they will grew and distant but who knows...?

About Double, I have the feeling that for their own sake they'll ignore his dad's existence as much as they can, Double is aware of that and doesn't care that much but I won't deny that he might be annoyed by that and oh NO! They ended up being just like you and Double is going to pick on you for that and even say that is your fault why they hate him so much.

Maybe it's for the better if your kid ended up being more like you rather than Double.

Double is an only child so i believe that he'll only want one single kid but I don't think he would be opposed of having another one but MAYBE, just maybe, no!

But there's something I believe that everyone can agree on and that's on the fact that Double looks so fucking HOT with grey hair.

And oh my FUCKING God, his gloves? You can see his tattooed sleeves and his neck? I feel like a Victorian man seeing a woman's ankles for the first time. I want to break his senile back.

Conclusion, could you have kids with Double? Absolutely, will he be a good dad? Questionable but most likely, not. I think he might be like his parents, he exists but he isn't a reliable person for his kids, it's kind of difficult to come a conclusion because he is so complex to me, my opinion on him is always ever-changing.

OH YEAH, you and your child might be the only ones besides some of your family members who probably meet him wayyyyyy before, a long time ago, that know his real name. It isn't that relevant but one of the most important things a kid has to know it's their parents name and last name, right? Not that Double's real name is going to be used as much as you might think.

I wrote this solely because I had a dream where Double Vision was my uncle and he lived on my grandparents backyard??? Sick and I just wanted to post this because I spent three days of my life writing this and then chickened out.

This post in particular wasn't proofreaded (at all) by my friends that usually encourage to post my dusty drafts.

I hope you liked it, I might add some things to this post in the future...

Anyways, Haley bae is next. Maybe even Binary Star because I think having kids with him sounds scary, if you are aware of WHY ARE YOU having kids with him on the first place (canonically speaking).

How would Double actually act if he ever had a kid: /j

I had this video on repeat playing in my head while writing this.

[babyfairy]

hello…life updates lol

i saw the little mermaid with my mom and my niece (we went on my mom’s birthday 💌) and i loved it??!? i think halle was the perfect choice for ariel!! i was so enchanted by her mannerisms the entire film. she’s got such an otherworldly beauty so paired with her voice she REALLY looks and feels like a disney princess…loved her so much. no comment on awkwafina’s unfortunate addition to the film

we’re restarting one of our long running dnd campaigns and i’m pretty sad about it ❤️‍🩹 it’s the best choice because the setting was made by our DM a long time ago and she wants a reset because she’s improved her narration/lore/etc since its creation but it’s still sad and hard to let go. i’m really excited to relive some of my favorite moments with some new twists and i have a deeper understanding of my character now so i think i’ll only end up loving her more as i replay her. dnd with my friends is truly one of my favorite hobbies and it’s so important to me! there have been so many changes throughout the years i’ve played but i’m so glad to still be playing despite it because it’s very fun and therapeutic lol

i got a raise at work 🫨 not that it makes much of a difference LMFAO but i was seriously considering leaving my job before my raise so it’s nice to be making a little more money. the cost of living in washington is so insane that i feel really unsure of my future lol but it’s seriously my dream to own my own house. just a little one story house that i can call my own. i know it seems like a small dream lol but it’s literally my number one motivation and i’m always daydreaming about how i’d decorate my own home inside and out!!

i finally bought tears of the kingdom and i’ve been obsessed with it!!! not surprised because i loved breath of the wild lol. i love link so much he’s such a cool protagonist. always wanted to be like him when i was a kid LMAOO either him or sheik! i would say i’m more like a deku scrub…💀 like look at this fella…

like….???!!!! THATS ME…the lil angry face. love these guys. anyways i love the game LMAO i hit about 50 hours and realized i should maybe try tackling my first dungeon 💀 it’s just so much fun to run around and collect ingredients and koroks…plus i have a little pack of zelda amiibo cards so every day i hop on and scan them all so i can open treasure chests as a little treat…love it!!! i can’t wait to see king sidon again btw. that’s the light of my life

ever since my OCD diagnosis i’ve been avoiding my therapist (L) and struggling to really understand why but i think it’s because i feel guilty about being diagnosed LMAO…i have like this weird fixation on unknowingly manipulating/lying to others and my brain keeps trying to convince me i manipulated her into a diagnosis. i don’t feel like i have “real” OCD if that makes sense. and i feel this weird sense of guilt about making light of it or like taking resources from people with real, severe OCD. it’s frustrating because i know that’s definitely a symptom of OCD but i also feel like none of my symptoms are legitimate and they’re just delusions. it’s incessant. which like logically is that probably just a symptom of the OCD? yeah but i also am having trouble admitting that to myself for some reason lol. at least not without guilt or shame attached and i really try to avoid feeling that way if i can. anyways it’s a real pain in the ass and i finally sucked it up and made an appointment for tomorrow so i can try to talk through some of this with her

i’m up and down a lot, it’s been the worst year of my life i think lol but somehow i’m still chugging along 💀 every day i put the rainbow clown wig back on and march thru my day despite it all though so it’s whatever i guess. definitely going thru my saturn return and ngl so far it sucks and i definitely hate it but you know! my 20s have been Not Great so maybe my 30s will be better for it. hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. let me know what you’re up to in my inbox if you want! i always like when people message me their life updates lol. it’s sweet when people think of me as someone they want to update ❣️

[taestefully-in-luv]

Okay, our time chapter 2, analysis, go!:

Again, with the tension between JK and Misuk, makes a lot more sense, knowing what we know.

This is the freshest thing in my mind lol forgive me for going out of order but the drinking. Idk how I didn’t put it together sooner! All the empty (and full) beer bottles, soju bottles, the glass of vodka next to a shot bottle. All subtle hints to how he’s living. We don’t know what he’s doing when he isn’t with Y/N, so the chances of him going home and then drinking there is pretty high, I think.

Y/N’s mom also mentions how things are easier to get through when you’re, and I quote, “[…] together.” I think that’s a definite hint to them wanting Y/N and Jungkook back together. They obviously are already aware of the divorce at this point, so I think it was a subtle hint to OC that she needs to (should?) stay with Jungkook.

The scene where OC calls JK “Ribbit”! I believe he said something along the lines of, “I just really fucking missed you”, and though I’m sure he was talking about the three months Y/N was in a coma, I think it’s safe to say that he was 100% also talking about the time they spent apart after the divorce. Obviously, at this point it time, both us readers and Y/N are too in the dark about everything to look at anything deeper than just surface level, so this was a really neat way to include some foreshadowing without being super in your face with it.

I also don’t think I really have to mention the physical affection again, but I will, anyway. Jungkook pulling away during the kitchen-shoulder-massage scene makes a lot more sense now, since we know he was obviously like “oh shit I’ve gotten too comfortably too quickly fuck”, and then (effectively) trying to deflect by hugging OC again thereafter. The amount of sexual tension during their little “sleep over” scene, where they talk about the wedding, was literally killing me. The image about JK spreading his ⚪️⚪️⚪️ all over her killed me the first time and it killed me again this time lmfao.

Also, Jungkook’s jealousy (bc that’s obviously what it is, in hindsight) makes more sense now, too. When she brings up the guy she bumped into at the market, and insinuates that she might’ve been sleeping with him (and possibly others as well), Jungkook changes the conversation. Also mentioning how he doesn’t wanna talk about “[their]” past sex lives— because they were both, as Y/N puts it, involved with one another at some point as well.

I think that’s everything for this chapter 😭✋🏻

Lmk if I missed anything? Or just lmk how well I did?

Still obsessed with your writing </3

🤍🤍🤍

chapter 2:

1. true…..but do we know everything? 👀

2. oh yes, our introduction to jungkooks apartment is the first huge sign that something is off with him! it’s supposed to represent everything he’s not (according to yn) but in ch 6 when we get his pov it gets talked about how this is his new normal and this is who he knows himself as now :/

3. it does seem like yn’s parents think that the best thing for yn and jk is to be together but they probably also don’t know everything. or maybe they do 👀 but we will see

4. exactly! in fact, yn even makes the connection that he was referring to the three months she was in the coma. because obviously for her, there’s no other reason for him to miss her that much

5. oh yes that little intrusive thought of hers was probably my own intrusive thought bc i added that detail in without thinking about it ahhahaha but it felt fitting so i kept it

6. he DEFINITELY got uncomfortable, yes. it’s one thing to keep their relationship a secret for obvious reasons but it sucked extra bad for him that he couldn’t give her a solid explanation for why he didn’t wanna hear about her possible sex life after him 🤷‍♀️ so changing the conversation is the the better route

it sounds like you got all the major stuff! it’s been a while so i can’t remember everything either but i’m sure you’ll have picked out more things as the chapters go 🥰

thank you for doing this btw 🥺 i’m having fun~

[carnelian-pimpernel]

I'm binge watching the west wing and I can't keep bothering my mom with my thoughts so I'm keeping them safe here.

(it's mostly just my reactions to certain quotes)

(ik some things before I should bc my mom showed me like ten minutes of a season 6 ep before just telling me to start from the beginning)

I wasn't expecting them to pull the MS card this quickly. Sobbing crying throwing up

Oh my god THE HOTEL DOOR

The bit about how Donna has to open Josh's hotel door for him transitioning into her seeing him do it on his own WHEN THEY'RE ESTRANGED

The DRAMA

THE JACKAL 😂😂😂

NOT ZOE KISSING CHARLIE IN THE BULLPEN

Wait. Why does CJ end up as the chief of staff

WHAT HAPPENS TO LEO

Let Bartlett Be Bartlett

Fucking. King SHIT.

I love Josh so much

Josh and Charlie make my soul happy

Joey Lucas can bite me

"I'm not sleeping with Al Keefer anymore" GIRL OH MY GOD. JUST OUT THERE IN PUBLIC ?!?!

"are you mad I went on a date or are you mad it was with someone from the same division as the Yankees"

"...honest to God I'm not sure"

COMEDY

ZOE'S AGENT IS LOOKING NERVOUS WHATS GOING DOWN

I love the president trolling CJ so much

Josh falling out of seat .5 seconds after Charlie calls him one of the smartest people in the world? *Chef's kiss*

The president's secretary is my favorite character

IS ZOE ABOUT TO GET SHOT BY A NAZI AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

WHERE IS JOSH

NOT MY BABY NOOOOOO

The president, josh, oh my god

Love that this flashback just, COMES UP with a sudden random ex-fiance for Sam

Josh laying there dying

The Outro: 😄😃🎺🎶😁

Sam quit his high paying job bc JOSH SMILED AT HIM I AM. GOING. TO. CRY.

I don't like Danny rn and I am PREEMPTIVELY upset that she doesn't get to stay with Mark Harmon's character.

Like dude. SHE JUST GOT SHOT AT. SHE HAS A CONCUSSION. maybe cut her a little slack?!?!

CJ falling into the pool I am screaming 😂😂😂

CJ is a better person than me bc idk if I could go from 500k a year to 600/week

They were aiming for Charlie?!?!!

SAM SAVED HER LIFE OH MY GOD

Two of you shooting two guns and you couldn't hit one guy???? Were you firing blindfolded????

Y'all's aim fuckin SUCKS

Love that Donna got her job by just. Showing up and starting

"I may have been overstating a little" MOOD

He gave her his lanyard 😭🥹😭🥹

SAM SAVED CJ'S LIFE OH MY GOD

I am sobbing

"why not I saved your life?" askehdjidbdidbdjdhisi

Toby thinking it was his fault and Secret Service Ron reassuring him I'm 😭😭😭

"your husband is a real son of a bitch Mrs. Bartlet" lmfaooooo

Why is this show so good at EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTERS

The scene where Josh wakes up in the hospital 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Jed patting his head :(((

Love that this show was like HEY. when people get shot at, there are PSYCHOLOGICAL CONSEQUENCES.

GO JOSIAH GO !!!! WHAT A KING!!!! INCREDIBLE

CJ bought Josh pajamas 🥹🥹🥹

I really hope this Ainsley chick puts her shitty misogynist boss in his place

Even if it would most likely involve embarrassing Sam

"Please, Please, God let them not be watching"

"Toby come quick, Sam's getting his ass beat by a girl"

LMFAO

I just saw a minor spoiler. Does Josh die?!?! If Josh dies I will murder someone

HER FULL NAME IS DONNATELLA?!? incredible

Cj being punished for making fun of Notre Dame is so good

Josh is JEALOUS and he's being a DICK about it

The Reverend is an.... interesting character

Mrs. Landingham ROASTING the president, I love

🥹😭😭🥹🥹😭🥹 the president giving Charlie his heirloom kniiiiife

These two idiots are about to light a fire in a decorative fireplace aren't they

LMFAO forgetting the president in a seating chart. Classic

These idiots lit a fire in a decorative fireplace

LEON VANCE ?????

One of these times when they say "they'll know what it means" I really want the person on the other end of the message to be like "??? No?? I don't???"

If Jed and Abbey get divorced I am OUT

"all you ever had to do to make me happy, was come home at the end of the day" *tearing up.jpg*

Welp, that's my thoughts for now. There will be more and that is a threat.

[unhingedselfships]

Random thoughts I've had about Kimi on her bull and @majimemegoro 's Kadokura having to deal with that.

She's a top tier cleaner, well, when she's paid for it or being stubborn, her own spaces are a wreck, but just. Super uh. Unconventional about it. Does she own slippers that double as mops? Yes. Do the floors positively gleam when she leaves a room? Somehow also yes.

("I hate cleaning but I hate being told I can't even more. Mama absolutely used this against me.")

She cooks and its totally delicious. When asked for the recipe, the only response is "I have no idea I just keep adding things until it tastes right." Oddly she can replicate it, yet all attempts at writing it down or following along as she cooks fail.

("Iunno what y'all are doin' wrong. You just add things. It's not hard.")

She can recite the scientific names of most plants and the details of their care. She also kills every last one of them she touches. She's banned from the lawn. She also knows an alarming amount about naturally occurring poisons and how best to utilize avoid them.

("I wasn't allowed to touch the plants until after they were in the house. Rude.")

Speaking of alarming knowledge, she also knows a frightening amount about improvised explosives. And chemical weaponry. And a great many other dangerous things the 'average' girl wouldn't typically know about. She is extremely casual/nonchalant about this, as though it is in fact, perfectly normal.

("I dunno what to tell you, my parents are preppers. Guess I grew up weird.")

Surprisingly good at getting blood out of things. When asked she just shrugs and says that she grew up on a farm, and while she sucked at hunting, given she has no patience and too soft a heart for 'cute' things, she knows how to break down a body, and clean up when it's done.

("Dad had no stomach for butchery, so me and mama handled it".)

Inexplicably well liked when she runs into other people. She has no filter, and isn't exactly... Friendly. Will outright state she hates people. Yet really really good at small talk and getting people to trust her. However she's pretty straight forward and guiless so the most this gets used for is conning people out of the last of a snack. She gets her snack and for some reason also their entire life story. She rolls with it.

("No forreal tho, people will just, spill all their secrets while standing in line at the conbini. I don't even do anything but like. Smile?")

This. Turned into a random list of odd RGG!Kimi headcanons. I just. I'm very entertained by the idea of him and how he'd deal with... This disaster of a person XD

Especially just. He's trying to find a motive, pin down the reason she just won't leave. And she's just like "iunno". She genuinely doesn't know either, she's just attached now. And she doesn't know the why to that either, it just is, and that's good enough for her. She's never questioned her heart. And despite being significantly (I'm pretty sure?) younger, has such 'mom/big sis' energy for him. Which. Given she can barely take care of herself... Lmfao

("You're fired." "You don't pay me anymore. I'm a volunteer. You can't fire a volunteer." "Yes. Yes you can." "Mmm I disagree." - how I imagine this exchange)

RGG!Kimi, especially in iterations like this one, is so fun. She has a loose basis in actual upbringing, but twisted and exaggerated. I like toying with it.

She defies logic in ways that are so humanly confusing. People are weird. She's weird.

[skullrock]

i have to use my tumblr as a diary bc i have no one else to talk to i fear 🫶🏻

if ur reading this i am going to be talking about illness and death so pls be advised

my grandma pretty much raised me when i was a kid and was the first person really to know i was gay (even before i knew lmfao) and she was genuinely my bestest friend in the world up until i was like 11 and started middle school. she taught me how to sew and she let me try on her vintage jewelry and gave me her mom’s jewelry when i was like 10 which was very nice of her. we used to sit on her countertop and make pepperoni rolls from scratch and honestly they’re like the worst pepperoni rolls you’d ever have but she taught me how to make them so they were actually the best in the world. we would watch cooking channel and she would tell me all about cowboys she used to have crushes on. i used to make up stories about roy rogers while sitting in her kitchen and i would do just about anything and say just about anything to make her and the rest of my family laugh.

two months ago she had a devastating stroke - she’s 92 years old. we didn’t get her to the hospital in a very timely manner because we didn’t realize she had a stroke until WAY late and the doctor told us it was 50/50 whether she would be okay or not. that was one of the worst nights of my life. next day she woke up and was talking!! moving!! smiling!! joking!! it was literally a fucking miracle and i still can’t believe she was okay after that. but the doctors wanted her to go to physical therapy bc she just needed some help getting her legs/arms/speech working again so she went to an independent inpatient which was basically a nursing home. she was there for 12 days and got ZERO CARE. to the point where she developed two bedsores, one very major. the facility did not even tell us she had it when she was discharged and my family found it on their own. a visiting nurse said the bedsore was stage 4 severe. i’m not going to elaborate on that bc it’s very gross but YEAH very bad stuff.

she was literally fine until the end of her stay at the inpatient place when the bedsore got worse. when she came home she stopped eating and drinking and became very lethargic. she went to wound care and they did some work on it but she still wasn’t doing well. she just went to the hospital again and they did surgery on the bedsore in hopes that it would clear up, but my grandma is still having a hard time eating and drinking.

they just put her on hospice and i am fucking. devastated. i’m devastated. she’s a shell of who she was a month and a half ago. she’s hardly able to speak. she can’t take care of herself, she can’t get up. she can’t eat and can’t drink. so now it’s a waiting game to see when she finally succumbs. and not being able to talk to her is the most horrible part of it. i visited her in the inpatient place a few weeks ago and i had no idea that was the last time i would have a conversation with her. it makes me feel so fucking sick every time i think about it. i won’t get to hear her say that she loves me again, i won’t be able to tell her what’s going on in my life, we won’t be able to talk about cowboy movies anymore. i’m so upset it is unreal. this is the first major loss i’ll ever experience and nothing could ever prepare me for it.

i just went to go see her tonight and my mom has been telling me that she isn’t talking or smiling when people visit her. i was expecting to get my heart broken but she actually smiled when she saw me. she couldn’t say anything but she smiled at me and now i’m so scared that’s the last time i’ll see it. because i have a stupid full time job an hour away from her and i might just end up getting the call after the fact.

this just fucking sucks !!!! i don’t have anyone to talk to about it it feels like. my mom is emotionally exhausted and is “taking it a day at a time” which good for her but terrible for me bc she won’t open up about things or let me talk about them. my dad is just like shrugging about it and so is my sister (who was never that close with her). and i think a lot of people in my life are sympathetic but they’re also like “yeah she had a stroke at 92 what did you expect :/“. like i know she is going to die of course but this is happening so fast. and so fast after she made such a miraculous recovery. and i can’t even be with her because of my job. i have to work both days this coming weekend for events and i’m so terrified that she will pass when i’m at work. but i have no backup! there’s no one that can take over for me if she passes or is on her last leg!!! and it’s sucks!!!

i just needed to rant i don’t think anyone will read this. but i feel a little better just getting it off my chest. ok love u if u did read it im going to finish crying now

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #091

(taken december 18th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Have you ever shared a house with a significant other? Not legally, but I stayed in that apartment way, way too regularly to be considered a "guest" by that point.

How are you feeling today? Happy, sad, or anything else? I am super fucking at peace, Girt stayed last night and the one before that and it was great. Roman and Cookie both slept with us, and it was just a sound, cozy night. I woke up when he did with his alarms to go to work and we were both super cuddly and it was just cute. After work he comes straight back here to stay again, and I am ACTUALLY considering trying to make dinner out of something for us so I can feel like a proper adult and helpful partner. Idc, I wanna do something nice and adult-y.

Who was the last person that made you upset? What did they do? I am FULL prefacing this with the fact this was dumb as shit and I was absolutely being a brat, but I got frustrated I wanna say three nights ago when I was venting the tiniest bit to Girt and he took 'til like, midnight, when I was asleep, to reply. It's embarrassing to even share, like holy shit he has a life and responsibilities and also free time and such. He proves a million times over he cares and is absolutely always there for me, that night just sucked so pretty much everything was hurting me.

Do you have a crush on anyone? Tell me about them. "Crush" doesn't even begin to cover it. Been there for me consistently more than any friend I have ever, and I do mean ever, had. He's never lost faith that I can do great things and conquer what I'm afraid of. He makes me cry from laughing when I don't even want to smile. I feel like I can tell him pretty damn much anything. He's genuinely the most doting boyfriend ever and besides probably my mom of course, my biggest fan there is; he will hype me the fuck up over anything and supports me endlessly. He really appreciates and values my advice and opinions. He SOMEHOW acts entirely unashamed of me. I need to stop, I am too fucking emotional lately and am crying/fighting not to sob lmao jesus, he's just great.

Have you ever had something signed by someone famous? What and who? No but bitch I wish, there are some signatures I would frame lmao

Have you made out with anyone in the last 2 weeks? Yeah.

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? No. I want laser hair removal on my legs so fucking bad, my legs humiliate me but for multiple reasons regularly shaving them just is not reasonable, or maybe even not possible right now.

Does anyone hate you? Probably. Quite sure there are people who do.

What bugs you about the last person you dated? She is, honestly, one of the biggest liars I have ever met, and has been SINCE we met. Among other things.

Have you ever felt replaced? Oh yes.

Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? No.

Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger? Oh yes, I was obsessed. Honestly, it started my computer addiction, I'm pretty sure. Omg I actually recently saw this tattoo featuring a sick tiger Neopet with the quote "we are all God's Neopets, and he forgot the password" and BOY I fucking CONSIDERED lmfao

Do you regularly check anyone’s profile online? Nope.

Have your parents ever worked in medicine? My mom was a pharmacy tech for quite a while.

Do you have any silly nicknames or pet names? I guess "Twinkie," which is the nickname my mom has used for me since I was a baby; she gave all her kids sweets nicknames, lol.

Are you any good at drawing? I guess, wish I was better though.

Is there anything unusual about your house? Uh I don't believe so.

Do you find it hard to talk to strangers, even people who work in stores? Yes, to such a debilitating degree that it has majorly affected my ability to work/find work I can function through.

How many wigs do you own? Zero.

Are your maternal/parental instincts strong? No, but more than they once were; I've helped my mom babysit my nieces and nephew so much that I guess they just naturally started to grow. Like I DO know I get way more upset when a baby cries than in the past, especially if they ARE my niece/nephew, like I get this desperate urge to fix whatever's wrong and I really feel like my heart hurts. It's weird, historically I've had stronger maternal-ish (major emphasis on "ish," don't make this weird) protection instincts over s/os, I've found especially if they're sick.

Do you feel confident in your body image? My self-confidence is in the fucking negatives and it's been getting to me even more than usual (which is already severely) the past few days.

Do you like country music? I hate it. In very rare instances, I'll hear a song I enjoy, but in general? I cannot stand it.

What was the last essay you remember writing about? Toxic masculinity. I wish I still had access to it, it was probably one of my favorite academic things I have ever written. My teacher loved it and used it as the example piece the following semester.

In your dream kitchen, would the worktops be marble or steel? Marble.

Who is considered the “black sheep” of your family? Why? Me. I am pretty starkly different from the general vibe and interests of my family.

What’s something you’re so good at that you take pride in your skill? I'm genuinely proud of my writing.

What’s the worst/best thing you’ve done without your parents knowing? My mom would probably kill me if she knew certain places I "did things" as a teen lmfao. Best, uhhhh... that's hard dude, my mom knows so, so, so much. I'm stumped enough to give in and also say the same things that qualified for "worst" kms 🥴

What’s a random funny scene from a movie that has stuck with you? Honestly a lot from White Chicks, that movie is so fucking memeable and I love it.

Would you date someone who still lived with their parents? I do that now, so yes. Although in Girt's situation, it's for his mom versus she housing him; she has mental health problems and couldn't work for many years, so she came back to Girt all the way from like Indiana or something and stayed with him because he's a fucking saint. He's basically run the place for he and Shelia for many years on his own, but she's now had a stable job for maybe like a year now and he's very READY to move out, the housing market is just so wordlessly insane right now that doing so is very unreasonable, so for right now they stay together.

Would you have to sleep with someone before marrying them? No.

Do you think there is life on other planets? In some form, absolutely. It's like, impossible for us to be the ONLY life-sustaining planet in an infinite space.

Would you enjoy a night of playing video games? Hell yeah, those with Girt are the absolute best.

Would you watch a porno with your partner? No, porn grosses me out personally. I don't want to see two totally random people going at each other. I would get absolutely nothing but a disgust reaction from that. It's totally fine if others are into it (just not to an addiction level obviously, that's problematic), I'm just not.

Do you like gummy candy? Yeah, it's a texture I like more than most others.

Do you know what the person you have feelings for is doing at this moment? He's at work.

How many brothers does your father have? I'm quite sure he has none, or he just hasn't talked about him like, at all.

Are any of your relatives vets? Not that I know of.

Who cleans the most in your house? My mom.

Do you have any current or past teachers on your facebook friends? Quite a lot, and I doubt they're happy with me. 🥴

Have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? No.

Do your parents vote? I know Mom does, idk about Dad.

Who's the most romantic person you ever went out with? Jason.

How would you react if your best friend was pregnant/got someone pregnant? That would be Girt so that would be a VERY quick breakup if it wasn't me. If it was me, I'd be fucking devastated, terrified, and get an abortion as absolutely soon as possible.

Have you ever seen the last person you kissed dressed up fancy? Possibly in high school on his senior picture day, but I don't remember it.

Did you have a dream last night? No, last night's sleep was totally peaceful.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to say to your ex? I haven't *always* wanted to say it, but for years now I've just wanted to tell him I'm so sorry.

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl? My VERY strong instinct says that I would absolutely storm over to them and deck him dead in the face. I very literally think I would. And then call the cops.

What is the last state you were in besides your own? Virginia.

What two breeds of dog do you think would make a really great puppy? Maybe like... an akita and chow-chow. I looked it up and apparently they're legit and I'm in love.

Who is the best person you’ve ever “met” online? That's too hard. I have met THE greatest people through the Internet.

Describe your elementary school in 10 words or less. Very invested in their students, extremely friendly, bright, fun.

What is the greatest kids’ show ever and why? Okay don't judge but when I'm watching my niece with Mom, she LOVES the show Bluey, and honestly it is absolutely adorable and shows you such an ideal but also realistic picture of a good, honest, just picturesque family.

The best album ever made is ______ because _________: Ozzy's Black Rain because you skip NO song. EVERY single one fucking slaps.

Did you ever see a scorpion in the wild? No, they're not native here.

What is the newest thing you’ve learned? Two nights back at Girt's, we were talking about their old dog Charlotte and how much she fucking adored Donald; both Ashley and Shelia said that she did not just love him, that dog was in love with him. Apparently Charlotte's ashes were buried next to Donald because that's what both would have wanted. ;___;

Name a state you have never been to, but would like to go to. Arizona, probably surprisingly. There is a number of native animals there I would REALLY like to see.

Name a word that people use locally that outsiders probably can’t pronounce. Conetoe. You said it wrong.

Describe your world in 5 words. CONFUSING, stressful, poetic (not in all ways, but I'd say definitely in many), melancholy, but mine and one of a goddamn kind so I'll take it.

What time did you go to bed last night? Uh it was before 12. We played Jackbox Party Pack games for a few hours with some of his online buds, but he also tried excruciatingly spicy ramen, more than he should've because the psycho didn't wanna waste it but also to "build up [his] heat tolerance" and I was like BUT WHY?????? is that necessary????? Thankfully he knew I was right so didn't finish it and then he just wanted to go to bed lmao, he felt like shit.

Who did you last ride in a car with? Girt. Bless him, it's a 30 minute drive to his place and he was BELTIN shit which I usually don't mind at all, but between driving to his place and back, I got such a bad headache lol.

Are you currently heart broken? No, my heart is fuller than it normally is.

Do you know how to change a diaper? I mean, to be completely realistic I could probably figure it out, but immediately? No. I have changed ONE diaper in my entire life and never will again (and that one wasn't even very dirty).

Would you be tazed for a million bucks? Yes.

What is the most annoying thing that your parents do? My mom is always 100% certain she's right. Disagreeing is disrespect. My dad can be weird and sometimes rude to people, and he has no concept of "there are people who can hear you other than me" in public.

Do you completely trust the person you’re dating? Yes.

When was the last time you received a hug? Who was this hug from? This morning, Girt.

Are you one of those people who like The Nightmare Before Christmas? I do, but nowhere near obsessively or even as much as people seem to think I do. The movie is fine, but it's nothing amazing, honestly. Coincidentally, both my phone's lock and home screen are scenes from the movie, lol. Just for the holiday.

What is your favourite type of nut? Idk, I really don't like nuts very much. I guess cashews, I can handle them fine in like, nut/grain/etc. bars.

Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? Guys I am not fucking kidding, it was literally at an indoor trampoline park sort of place that hosts parties, lmao. We went there for Girt's nephew's party, and that pizza, everything about it, was BOMB.

Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? Oh yes, loved it.

Do you know anyone who smokes in their car? Dad and Kim.

[ziauhh]

Void success story part : 2 ♡

Hello motherfuckers 😏

So i shared my void journey in my previous post and you guys loved it so here i am with a part 2 bitches, but this one is gonna be more of my life after Void, also it can be a lil cheesy or intense for some people but i don't give a fuck i am just warning you, so let's go my whores 😭

Okay so it's the day two of me with my desires so i woke up the next morning and was as excited as the day before, again how can i forget to check up my phone so i did and again how can i not get notifications and my BF's sweet good morning message ( i mean best friend, honey it's only the second day don't you get that far ) and i was again drooling over him like he is so hot and handsome 🥵 ( we know it bitch now stfu ) and i also got a notify that i got 50k in my bank like what the actual fuck ! then i realised that i have a motherfucking math exam today but i wasn't scared of it ( like before i used to suck at math ) I hurried up got ready for school, then i told my mom to drop me there but she was like " You are such a lazy ass just go by yourself honey " and i was so confused why is she saying that but then she said go by your car okay do your exam well, then realisation hit me that i have my OWN CAR I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IT I FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DRIVE ( before i didn't even knew how to start 😭 ) i went to the garage and I WAS TOO STUNNED TO SPEAK it was a BLACK RANGE ROVER i went inside it took a brief view but i don't know why i wasn't feeling nervous or scared i started the car drove it all the way to my School but this time i wasn't the one who was too stunned but my friends they were like " OMG ZEE IS IT YOU, WE THOUGHT IT'S SOME MODEL OR CELEBRITY COMING DANG IT 😱 " Lol they all were staring at me like they never saw me before or am i really a celebrity 👀 hmm whatever i went to my class gave my exam it was easy af like i thought someone already gave me a copy of the question paper and i know all the fucking answers 😭 but when i would take breaks from writting all i found was lots of STARES at me, people weren't giving a shit about their exam they all were busy staring at me ( not trying to do showoff 💅💩 )

OKAY then time skips up to evening i was watching Bridgerton, then my mom ordered me to go buy some groceries OK MA'AM AS YOU SAY 🙂

At the grocery store : I was busy looking for stuffs and then this girl comes to me and starts talking she was so cute and extremely nice but then what she said made me loose my words - " well zee are you umm ...... Straight just because i found you so attractive and forget to tell i am a bi* so ........ ) my face was just like this emoji 😳 wtf what am i suppose to say but then i told her yes i am straight as a board and ran away 😭 she giggled and said bye like tell me wtf was that. yes i manifested being attractive but forgot i manifested being everyones crush EVERYONES FUCKING CRUSH but it was a cute interaction ( omg this bitch, i can't with her )

At night: i went out with my friends for a dinner to a really nice restaurant and found these really fine boys who are from my school they are those hot basketballers every gurl be a slut for, so they noticed me and started waving at me i did the same, then when we were outside the restaurant they came to have a conversation and one of them says " you are looking so hot today zee " i was blushing like a tomato LMFAO then i heard another voice which said " SHE ALWAYS LOOKS HOT, IT'S JUST YOU NEVER NOTICE IT ,BUT I DO " and guess what he was my fucking BF ( boy bestie huh you right 😭 ) this was the first time i say him face to face and i almost fainted bitch he looks much better in person ( will u please shut up 😑 ) i lost my mind their and even my heart ❤️ ( this crazy ass whore )

Yeah that's all happened that day and a lot more every single day, do tell me if you want more of ummm this yk what 🙂

Other things i manifested from void:

Attention 24/7

Confidence 25/8

Ear piercing

Gold earing

Trip to maldives & hawaii this summer

Desire friend group

Driving skills and license

Other skills like - swimming, sports and cooking

Being able to speak different languages

Few beautiful prom dresses

Motivation:

If you say void is easy, then why people struggle getting in ?

- Because honey you made it hard, tell me is it hard for you to breathe or to drink or to walk noooo right because you know it's a part of you, you control it then why you don't think like this about void when yk it's within you, it's a part of you your mind.

How should i clear my mind, when will i know my mind is clear ? Is there any other method to clear mind ?

- you just do a meditation or breathe work and yeah your mind is clear is that even a point to stress on, void is a deep meditative state and to enter it you need to be calm and clear. And what you think if you can't even breathe can you do anything else huh ?

How will i know i am in void ?

- you will know it just trust your mind, when you go to your room yk that you are in your room not in a toilet, when you go to your friends house yk that you are there not on mount everest then why you wouldn't know when you will enter void.

If people went into void and then know they can manifest for others then why don't they manifest for the people who are unable to go into the void ?

- yes ofcourse we can manifest for others but i don't want to make you handicap, Do you take my help to breathe, to drink, to eat or do write those long ass asks...... NOOOO you don't then why you need my help to enter void didn't i told you it's as easy as doing these things then why you need my help. Afterall you are GOD ! GOD never takes help babe !!!

I have been trying to go into void since ages but i can't 😭

- yes you can't because you keep making excuses, you always try to enter void but never do, you think today for sure i will enter the void and wake up in my new reality but when the night comes you think i am too sleepy let me sleep tonight i will enter void later maybe tomorrow or after that, you over complicate things like hell you be asking me how should i clear my mind, shall i sleep on my back or front, what should i affirm, when should i enter, shall i keep my eyes close or open, can i manifest this, can i manifest that 🙄 bitch now really stfu if you guys be asking me all this in my asks they do also ask me ...... can i eat, what should i eat, how can i drink water, can i go to washroom, how to use a toilet paper, how to write my name blah blah blah... Because doing all these daily routine things is as same as void, it's just we realised it now that what void is, rather this void would have been a simple habit like any other.

Plot twist : It still is as easy as anything PERIODT !

Also if you keep making excuses like i have adhd, my house is not quiet, my parents don't allow me to use my phone how should i listen to the meditation, i try to clear my mind but thoughts still come, i try to make my body still but it moves anyways, i got scared, i need a final push etc etc THEN I AM TELLING YOU, Y'ALL WILL DIE LIKE THIS I SWEAR YOU WILL.... NOBODY CAN HELP YOU. YOU HADICAP PIECE OF SHIT YES... YOU, YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT DOES THAT HURT YOUR EGO THAT I AIN'T CALLING YOU A GOD BUT A PIECE OF SHIT YES BITCH BECAUSE U DESERVE IT. IF YOU WANT TO BE CALLED A MF GOD THEN DO WHAT GOD DOES STOP MAKING EXCUSES, STOP WASTING TIMES. IF YOU WOULD HAVE INVESTED ALL THIS TIME YOU WASTED WORRYING EXCUSING PROCRASTINATING I BET YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN LIVING YOUR LIFE AND INSTEAD OF YOUR ASKS I WOULD HAVE YOUR SUCCESS STORIES.

" If you still have any self respect left go do what i said and show me your face when you claim yourself as a GOD"

The End ✨

Love, zee

XoXo ♡

[millenniummmbop]

any art tips for a beginner who like literally j u s t started trying to teach themselves how to draw?

- Always keep a sketchbook and draw from observation. Don't worry about trying to make every page and every drawing a mini masterpiece. Sketchbooks are for thinking and figuring stuff out especially when you're just starting out. You're first sketches/pages will always be the worst because your hand and your mind are still loosening up but the more you keep at it the better they will become.

- You don't have to just do studies and still lifes all the time u can draw a bunch of anime and cartoons and shitty little mindless scribbles. Who's gonna stop you? Your mom? The president? Literally just draw whatever you want. As a beginner one of the most important things is to get yourself in the habit of drawing as much as possible because mileage is how you improve. Later on your own natural curiosity will push you towards more specific areas of study but for now just try to develop the habit and mindset of being Someone Who Draws TM. Just draw! Draw draw draw!!!

- Comparison will kill you but it's also just human nature so try not to let it get u down too hard. If you find yourself dwelling too much on the emotional aspect of this try to turn it into a learning situation. What is it about this piece/artist that makes me feel inferior? What specifically do I admire about this? Try to think about the steps it took to create this work of art and then copy it. Stroke for stroke. Really look at, deconstruct it, shatter it into a million little pieces and then try to tape those pieces back together again as best u can. Use pipe cleaners and glitter glue if u have to. There's nothing wrong with copying a picture this is literally how u study technique. Masters studies are important!

- This one is specifically a new age online artist thing but don't worry about style. Your own personal style is something that develops over time and often times u won't even notice it I promise. It's just like handwriting. You should really only worry about style once u move past the beginning/fundamentals stage and start learning about design. Seriously tho don't overthink it. Remember that you have to know the rules before you can break them.

- There WILL be days where u feel like every single thing u draw is absolute shit-tier garbage and should burn in hell for all eternity and I'm sorry to say but that just comes with the territory of being an artist. But fear not! This is usually the result of ur eyes/mind developing faster than ur hand can keep up with. When this happens try focusing on doing studies and exercises. I PROMISE you it will pass and you WILL come out the other end of it a fundamentally better artist. 100% every time. Do not let it get you down. DO NOT LET IT WIN!!!

- On the flip side of that there will be days where everything u draw is 🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯😜😜😜😍😍😍👌👌👌😎😎😎👑👑👑 and u should 100% EMBRACE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT FEELING!!! ALWAYS TAKE PRIDE IN UR ACCOMPLISHMENTS!!! YOU HAVE MADE IT SO FAR!!! LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 👏👏👏*airhorn sounds* (But seriously tho this is a GREAT thing and u should never let anyone try to take that from u. People trying to tear u down usually comes from a place of their own insecurities but always remember that that is NOT ur problem lmfao.)

- This next point is from the "things I desperately wish I could tell my past self" category so feel free to ignore this if u really want but please please please no matter how far u get into ur artistic journey DO NOT throw away/delete ur old stuff because u feel ashamed of it. You will 100% regret doing this EVERY SINGLE TIME. Maybe not immediately and maybe not even for a few years. But trust me. Not having ur old stuff to look back on FUCKING SUCKS and is a very cruel thing to do to urself. U don't have to keep it up online for others to see but do not deny urself the pride that comes with acknowledging how far you've come. PLEASE. For my sake 😔

- Just have fun honestly. If you don't enjoy art why do it? Spite? Actually spite is kind of a funny reason but u should still enjoy art nonetheless lmao. Go at ur own pace and don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Art is not a destination it's a journey and if you're not enjoying the journey why are u still on the bus? Oh god u missed ur stop oh god oh fuck u gotta keep riding this thing forever PSYCHE!!! U can always get off at the next stop! There is zero pressure to keep riding if u decide u don't particularly care for this avenue lmao.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 299: No Chains Left

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “and then AFO broke out all of the inmates from six other prisons and took a nap. well anyways, here’s the hospital angst.” Kacchan woke up two days later and was all, “WAIT BUT HOW ARE DEKU AND TODOROKI AND ALL OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS EXCEPT IIDA DOING” and then we cut to Shouto’s room where the other U.A. kids were sitting around being Mutually Traumatized and giving each other moral support and such. Everyone was alll, “...”, and then the rest of the Todofam showed up, INCLUDING POSSIBLY REI?! which, omg. The chapter ended with Kacchan STOMPING THROUGH THE HALLS all “WHADDYA MEAN DEKU HASN’T WOKEN UP YET”, dragging along Satou and Mineta behind him, fueled by the power of ALL OF THE FUCKS HE NOW GIVES. He gives so many fucks now you guys. This boy cares so much he can probably deduct it on his taxes.

Today on BnHA: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO GIVE A LOT OF FUCKS, the story cuts abruptly to Hawks, freshly recovering from his near-death experience, and pondering the threads that have weaved the tapestry of his life and led him to this moment. Basically he grew up in poverty with his Jerk Dad and Jerk Mom until his dad got arrested one day and his mom sent him off to go Find Money Or Something, and so he rescued a busload of people and found himself a new career. Back in the present day, Hawks and Jeanist ride around town in Jeanist’s Jamborghini having awkward encounters with civilians in a country on the brink of social collapse, and visiting Hawks’s mother’s home. Hawks is all “I know from an outsider’s perspective it must look like my life currently sucks, but now that the HPSC is gone, my public image is shot, and my parents are finally out of my life, I’m actually feeling SURPRISINGLY GOOD.” Anyway so he’s gonna go meet up with Endeavor now, and p.s. this chapter was fucking fantastic though, damn.

oh my god?? is this Hawks narration?? something about him growing up watching the heroes on TV and thinking of them as fictional characters

okay I scrolled down a little bit more to see the rest of that “Keigo” panel, and wow

this is basically a shed. poor boy definitely grew up rough. let me tell you guys, I came in here ready for some BakuDeku shenanigans; I was not prepared for Hawks Flashback Angst. I AM HERE FOR IT, but also wow I gotta brace myself now lol

HELLO MISTER HAWKS’S JERK DAD, SIR

BnHA sure does have an array of Jerk Dads, doesn’t it. makes me appreciate characters like Masaru and JirouDad all the more for bucking the trend

anyway. so Horikoshi, you really thought that one itty bitty chapter of hospital catharsis would be enough to calm us all before you went right back to showing us child abuse huh. my god man can we rest

BABY HAWKS

swear to god this kid can’t be more than five or six, and yet he has this completely blank look on his face even with his dad looming over him being all threatening and shit. like he’s shut down his emotions to protect himself. imagine what has to happen to a child for him to have learned this at such a young age. fuck

AND MEANWHILE THIS GUY

don’t mingle with humans?? not “other” humans, just humans?? what is this implying here?? and also holy shit Hawks definitely didn’t inherit his looks from his dad orz

then again he doesn’t really bear much of a resemblance to his strung-out mom here either

omg omg omg. and this child is basically trapped here in this environment with these two people. this explains a SHITLOAD about Hawks’s personality though you guys. his ability to completely separate his real thoughts from the face he presents to the outside world. his pragmatic approach to analyzing and solving problems. his layers of emotional walls. turns out almost none of that came from the HPSC training -- that was all learned hands-on in his own personal do-or-die survival nightmare childhood!! oh, boy

and small wonder then that he latched on to Endeavor so strongly if he really is the one who brought down his dad and inadvertently saved him from this. also, just putting this out there, I know people are always talking about him and Dabi being foils, and I think it’s very interesting how Touya grew up in a household where he saw firsthand the dark side of hero society, and so ended up becoming a villain in order to bring it down. whereas young Keigo had almost the exact opposite experience, growing up experiencing the dark side of villain society and becoming a hero in order to bring about a world where no one else has to experience that. just. both of them are so determined not to become their fathers. some interesting parallels there

so Hawks was sort of an accident after his parents had “thanks for helping me not get caught after I killed that guy” sex, and now this little boy is growing up in squalor and being beaten by his father for things like Sitting In The Wrong Out-Of-The-Way Corner Trying Not To Be A Bother To Anybody. holy fuck. this is so rough to read through you guys

wait so does Jerk Dad have a an eyeball manipulation quirk?? because he doesn’t have the wings like his son, but wth are these things??

this presumably also means that Keigo has never been to school or anything either. he basically doesn’t exist. he thinks heroes are fictional characters, he doesn’t realize that they’re real people. these are people who could help him if he could escape and find them, but he doesn’t know, and they don’t know about him

OH MY GOD HE’S JUST SITTING IN HIS CORNER HUGGLING HIS ENDEAVOR PLUSH OH MY GOD

how could this child possibly have an anti-fandom when he’s done NOTHING WRONG HIS ENTIRE LIFE. huh. just explain that to me. lol I mean I’m not looking to pick a fight with anyone, but also, MAYBE I AM, idk?? this kid has gotten me all riled up lmao

anyways, Protect Keigo 2021, and thank you Horikoshi for these three very terrible pages. I am pleased to inform you that you’ve effectively gotten your point across and you may now commence saving this kid already

YAY

oh no, Keigo’s dumbass jerk dad tried to steal a car and the popo nabbed his ass and now his mom can’t just sit around neglecting her VERY YOUNG SON all day long, oh horrors. sorry lady my tiny violin is on backorder. just imagine that I’m playing a very sarcastic song on it for you

anyway so what are you gonna do now, abandon him? I can hardly imagine he’d be worse off, if anything it might be a near-instant improvement

LMAO HE’S ALL “WAIT WHAT ENDEAVOR’S A REAL FUCKING DUDE?!”

AND THEY SAY THAT A HERO CAN SAVE US~~~~ I’M NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND WAAAAAIT~~~~~ I’LL HOLD ONTO THE WINGS OF THE EAGLES, WATCH AS WE ALL FLY AWAAAAAAY~~~~

lol what a randomly pivotal moment in his young life. TIME TO GO MAKE THESE MEMES INTO DREAMS YOUNG ONE

anyway so his mom freaked out and grabbed him and they wound up at a train station with her TELLING HIM TO GO GET HER SOME MONEY, oh my god. SURE MOM LEMME JUST WALTZ RIGHT ON DOWN TO THE “JOBS FOR FIVE-YEAR-OLDS” STORE AND TELL THEM I NEED SOME CASH. ffff manifesting someone to come help him in 3... 2...

...

SIGH, JUST GO RESCUE THE PEOPLE FROM THE BUS, KEIGO. is this the outfit he was wearing when that happened?? it must be, right?? I can’t imagine them surviving more than a couple days out here unless this starts getting REALLY dark in a way I know that even Horikoshi won’t explore, so yeah. cut to the HPSC now please. never thought we’d be glad to see them. I mean sure, it may be an “out of the frying pan...” case, but good god

THANK YOU!!

and I guess it was his mom’s eyeball quirk then. anyway, whatever, see you again never, hopefully. lol oh man. thaaaat, was upsetting. need to center myself here for a sec. NAMASTE

OH YAY THE PRESENT

so we cut from Baby Hawks Angst straight to Present Day Hawks Angst, huh. not that this exhausted and traumatized lil lad isn’t still a baby to me too, I’ll have you know

BEST JEANIST, ALWAYS WITH THE JOKES

“WHEW, THOUGHT YOU DIED ON ME FOR A SEC THERE KID.” lmao. Caleb will no doubt ruin this by making his word choice all stiffly formal as usual, so I’m just going to treasure this “WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, I’M FRESH OUT OF FUCKS” version of Jeanist while I can

look at him, driving his Jeanistmobile

again, is it any wonder Kacchan was bitching about Endeavor’s dinky little car when he was used to riding around town in style like this. anyone else staring at this panel trying to figure out how this car is somehow secretly made of jeans

NOOOOO

FUCK YOU DABI LMAO. PUTTING THESE VOICE ACTORS OUT OF A JOB ONE BY ONE

anyway so Jeanist is all “GOOD THING IT’S THE FUTURE AND WE’RE SO GOOD AT MEDICAL SCIENCE” to handwave how Hawks went from one step shy of being a very handsome corpse, to sitting around texting Jeanist in a car all of two days later

OH MY GOD, AND FINALLY AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS

wait a minute. I’m so confused lmfao. soooo, was Hawks all “anyway, here’s Jeanist’s dead body, you can examine it but please don’t look at him too closely and also I’m gonna need that back unharmed.” how tf did you pull that off lmao

(ETA: also isn’t this technically confirmation of the ol’ Noumu Jeanist theory lol. I’m gonna go ahead and say it is.)

NO BUT PLEASE, CONTINUE. I unironically love reading Horikoshi’s overly convoluted “SEE IT’S NOT A PLOT HOLE” explanations

lkldslfk so wait, you’re telling me Hawks convinced Dabi and the League to put Jeanist’s body in storage, and basically just hoped they wouldn’t use him for any experiments until he could put his plan into action and have the HPSC’s people break in and find and revive him?? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG. A FOOLPROOF PLAN IF I’VE EVER HEARD ONE

fff this man really asked Jeanist to risk it all to prop up his little cover story, and Jeanist was all “sure why not” omfg. anyways, thanks for recapping all of this out loud for no particular reason in your car conversation you two

LMAO NOW WHAT

TROUBLE YOU SAY? GOOD THING THE NEW NUMBER ONE HERO IS ON THE JOB THEN

okay no it’s just some random thugs strolling around terrorizing the downtown. fuck ‘em. so Jeanist is making short work of them now

uh oh

won’t come? not can’t, but won’t?? what???

WOW

well I guess that makes the local heroes A BUNCH OF SHITHEADS now doesn’t it?? jesus

and okay, serious question, if the cops are spread too thin and the heroes have literally walked out on the job, what exactly is stopping everyone from deciding to use their quirks to defend themselves, legal or not? nothing, as far as I can tell. society just got a hell of a lot more chaotic

anyway so this is an interesting panel here

man, Dabi really did pull it off, didn’t he. well anyway so here’s that better world all of the villains were wanting, you guys! isn’t it so great?? everyone’s terrified and angry and losing hope and society is inches away from collapsing into total anarchy! but hey, at least we exposed the number one hero as a hypocrite

anyway so what are these guys up to

fucking hell, he’s visiting his mom. I really wasn’t prepared to commit this much emotional energy towards reading this chapter today. BUT VERY WELL, WE PRESS ON

?? wait she’s not there?

is this supposed to explain how Dabi knew who Hawks really was? except that there’s the little matter of how he even know where to find his mother in the first place. feels like we’re still missing something there, but oh well

OH MY GOD

RHA I TAKE BACK EVERY WORD I EVER SPOKE AGAINST YOU. YOU ARE A SCANLATION GROUP FILLED WITH ANGELS LMAO. I WILL TAKE THIS PANEL IN MY HANDS, AND TREASURE IT AND KEEP IT SAFE

ANYWAY, BECAUSE MY TIRED BIRD SON’S LIFE SUCKED SO MUCH ALREADY, IT TURNS OUT HE’S ACTUALLY PLEASED WITH THIS NEW TURN OF EVENTS LOL HOW ABOUT THAT

GOOD FOR YOU BBY. YOU GO OUT THERE AND BE YOUR OWN PERSON

and in all seriousness, I love that identity he chooses -- chooses, because it actually is him making a choice now, possibly for the very first time in his life -- is “guy who helps people”, though. it really is nothing short of miraculous that he held on to that kind of optimism and desire to do good even with everything he’s been through. there were so many times he could have chosen to turn his back on the world in retaliation for the way it treated him. but he didn’t!! and here he is now, finally free, and what he wants to do with the rest of his life now is simply to help others. anyway please excuse me for a moment, I need to go find some sort of basket or a big vase to put all of my fresh new Hawks Feels in, pardonne-moi

YEAH BOIIIIII

“FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, MISTER JEANIST, WHERE DID YOU FIND YOUSELF THAT SWEETASS CAR.” hey, all I’m saying is if this boy’s wings really aren’t growing back, he’s gonna need to find himself a new means of transportation y’know?

oh my god you guys it’s a flashback to his mom buying him the Endeavor plushie when he was like two because, and I quote, ALL MIGHT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE

oh my god oh my god. my boy out here with a new lease on life finding hope in the darkest of times

wasn’t your throat supposed to be all fucked up lmao. Horikoshi was suddenly all “oh shit the VAs are gonna be pissed at me if I keep this up huh”

“that’s why Bubaigawara was such a great guy” motherfucker IT IS A TERRIBLE DAY FOR RAIN. FORECAST SAID NOTHING ABOUT THIS

:’)

yes ma’am. yes indeed. confirmed, I really will straight up fight some motherfuckers for this child. well not really, but YOU KEEP YOUR DISCOURSE OFF MY LAWN AND OUT OF MY BLOG YOU HEAR. THIS IS A HAWKS-FRIENDLY SPACE. WE RESPECT TAKAMI KEIGO IN THESE STREETS

and he’s saying (or is he thinking?? what a weirdly shaped speech bubble this is) that even if what Dabi said about the Todoroki household is true, “I’m not sure it’s the same now.” which happens to be ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. man this whole chapter really is all about saying “fuck the past” and moving forward and I am living for it

SON!!!!

“the first step is at my beginning” fklkjlk. what an iconic fucking line??

AND HIS WINGS!!!! THEY ACTUALLY ARE GROWING BACK AHHHHHHH. “PUT A RAINCHECK ON THAT CAR, JEANIST-SAN.” THE HAWKSMOBILE CAN WAIT, RIGHT NOW HE HAS TO GO INSERT HIMSELF BACK INTO THE TODODRAMA WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT

you guys. I came here ready for some BAKUDEKU HOSPITAL ANGST, and I got DIDDLY SHIT of that, and none of my other kids were even in this chapter, but!!! ASK ME IF I CARE LMAO omg. because bird son is hanging with his new best friend, and he’s out here Finding Himself and picking up the pieces and putting them back together stronger than ever because RESILIENCE HAS A NAME, AND IT’S SPELLED H-A-W-K-S, and you guys. profound, my love for this child. holy shit. hey google, play Silence by Marshmello

[enden-k]

One of my coworkers is the same age as me, we are both 26. She got married just before the pandemic and I spent my 2 years of not leaving the house moved back in with my grandma and trying to get a remote learning masters degree. My favourite joke is that she is a child bride and her favourite joke is that am a giant child. Being in your 20s is wild af.

you and me, were almost the same omg HAHAH

yea its super wild honestly. one of my old classmates reached out to me a while ago (and i absolutely forgot to contact her back after some interactions bc i suck ass at socializing and communication lmfao) and we were discussing what the other is doing and stuff and while im here studying and happily and comfortably living in solitude, shes already a married mom im-- its so crazy to see what others in their 20s are up to honestly

but while were on that topic, since it was smth that got me very insecure in the first years bc people love to make you insecure and idk who needs to hear this: dont compare yourself to others in your age and what they have achieved. everyone has their own pace and goals and life, you can do whatever you want whenever you want, its your life and your choices. so dont get insecure by seeing others or what others say to you or smth!

[theghostofashton]

hey , when you are free ( only when you're feeling good , i don't want to burden you since you're already in the middle of writing another fic ) can you do a short fic on your interpretation of how both kurt and blaine decided they needed help and went to therapy and how it all played out leading upto s6 where we see them.

you sent me this so long ago and i'm so sorry it took forever. i decided to kind of write two fics? writing kurt and blaine's individual processes felt more natural as separate fics, because they are both in very different places. they got kind of long (i am so sorry - i cannot shut up to save my life lmfao) so i didn't go into the actual therapy sessions, but i can definitely write follow ups that do, if you want!

pretty heavy trigger warnings for depression in both of these. keep that in mind before reading.

i hope you enjoy :)

Blaine is numb.

He doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t want to feel anything. Everything’s hurt for far longer than he’s been able to bear. It’s finally starting to fade into a slow, steady ache, dull at the edges and no longer as painful, and for that, he is relieved. It’s the kind of hurt that he can tolerate, the kind that just blends into the background, a low buzz that just remains constant.

He just wants to lay here forever. Maybe until the world ends, or his body decomposes, whichever comes first.

It all happened so quickly. Sometimes it feels like someone took a sledgehammer to his life and left it in thousands of tiny pieces. He’s sitting amongst the wreckage, unsure of where to even begin rebuilding. Part of him isn’t sure it’s entirely possible to put back together the smithereens of everything he thought he knew.

The rest of him just doesn’t understand how things got to this point. He doesn’t understand how it happened, how he went from daydreams and decisions about wedding menus, to trying to soften the lump in his throat long enough to deal the last blow. I will never forgive you. I won’t.

I will never forgive you for this.

In the moment, it was all he could do. All of the strength he could summon had been poured into those seven words. He wanted them to hurt, to sting Kurt the way Kurt had stung him, icy hot and merciless. He wanted Kurt to know that it would take more. He wasn’t that easily breakable – at least, not on the outside. He would have the last word, and he would tell it like it was.

He doesn’t know how he could ever forgive Kurt for this.

More important than Kurt, Blaine doesn’t know how he’ll ever forgive himself for the series of bad decisions the past couple of months have dissolved into. Day after day spent in bed, tear tracks drying on his face as he stared at nothing on his walls and tried to keep conscious for a respectable amount of time. He knew it wasn’t a good thing to be sleeping for more hours out of the day than he was awake, but he couldn’t find the energy to do anything else.

Kurt had left.

He was gone.

And Blaine, as much as he tried to fight it, was broken by him. He was broken by the realization that he had put so much of his happiness, so much of himself into his relationship with Kurt and his future wedding, that, now that it had been yanked away, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know anything, anymore. His life no longer looked anything like he had envisioned it turning out, and he was forced to live with that. There wasn’t anything he could do.

Kurt doesn’t want him anymore.

There isn’tanything he can do about that.

A part of him isn’t too surprised, if he’s really honest with himself. Things have been different for a while. He’s been scared for a while.

His gut could tell something bad was coming. It was obvious, in the way Kurt moved around the apartment, in the lines of his body in bed at night, the way he was perpetually tensed, stiff with everything he was holding in. Maybe he’d wanted to break up sooner, but held back to preserve Blaine’s feelings.

Blaine isn’t stupid. He knows that that night at the restaurant wasn’t planned. He pushed just the right amount for Kurt to finally blurt out the thing that had had a hold on him. For how long, Blaine isn’t sure, but he knows it had to have been longer than the length of time he kept Kurt waiting at that table.

At least, that’s what he keeps trying to tell himself.

Because the alternative, the biting realization that Kurt hadn’t intended to break up with him, that it just slipped out, something so impulsive yet so final, is too much for Blaine. He doesn’t want it to be true. That isn’t the Kurt he knows. None of this makes sense, but that…that Kurt made the decision to end their relationship, their engagement, so quickly and easily, is too much for him to take.

It was his biggest fear. The thing he kept convincing himself would never happen. Kurt loves you. He always will. He told you he will. He’s not going to leave you. He loves you.

Kurt said he loved him. He said it back, in a moment that Blaine was sure he wouldn’t. But did he? Did he really? The way Blaine sees it, loving someone means fighting for them. Choosing them. Working through the hard things with them.

And Blaine doesn’t know why. He can’t ask. He can only guess. Spend some of these painful hours of consciousness contemplating exactly why he wasn’t good enough for Kurt to stay with. Because the Kurt Hummel he knows is the strongest, toughest fighter he’s ever met. Things had to be dire for him to not even make the effort.

Kurt had finally figured it out. What made him so intolerable, so exhausting to be around. He had realized what he was getting himself into and made a break for it before things could go any deeper. Blaine supposes that is for the best. Get out now, before the papers are signed and things are officially official, before it is much harder to make the break for it.

This is what he’s been scared of, been terrified of, since he and Kurt got back together. And he tried to push it to the back of his mind, because Kurt said yes and invited him to New York and promised to make it safe when he fell. Kurt promised to be there for everything, promised that they belongedto each other, promised that he would never stop loving him.

Blaine wonders when he did.

He wonders when all of this fell apart, how blissfully ignorant and idiotic he must have been not to see it.

How long was Kurt planning to do this? How long was he thinking about it? How long did he keep this to himself, wake up next to Blaine and kiss him goodbye every morning, knowing he was holding onto to the mother of secrets that had the power to destroy everything? Why did he get to be the one making that unilateral decision about their relationship?

Kurt controlled whether they got engaged or not, and Kurt controlled how it ended.

It was all up to him.

Blaine just had to hope they were on the same page about everything, and now it’s clear that they weren’t.

He’s so tired of other people getting to make decisions about his life, and leaving him to deal with the wreckage of their choices. He’s tired of not having any control. He doesn’t know how he ended up here. His life doesn’t feel like his anymore.

Madame Tibideaux had decided that he wasn’t worthy of another year at NYADA, that his emotions weren’t a good enough excuse for the quality - or lack thereof - of his work. It didn’t matter what he was feeling, or how bad it hurt. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t like every other person who could channel their pain into their art. It didn’t matter that he’d been doing it for as long as he could remember, feeling through every lyric he sang, every performance he gave. The cup had to dry up eventually. Something had to happen that was too bad, too painful, for him to sing his way out of. It wasn’t his fault. He’d tried so hard, given everything he could.

It didn’t matter that he desperately, desperately needed someone to see him. Not the things he produced, not the contributions he would make to a performance, him. His real self. The part that no one seemed to want.

It didn’t matter that Blaine Warbler felt like a lie he’d forgotten how to live years ago. He remembers grappling for it, trying to tug on the same mask he’d donned after the Sadie Hawkins dance, turn off his emotions and shift into autopilot, sing and dance and perform like he didn’t wish he could stop existing in that moment.

None of it mattered.

Blaine was just not good enough for NYADA, like he was not good enough for Kurt. He should’ve realized it sooner. It’s his own fault he didn’t.

“Honey?”

Blaine startles at the voice, jolting upward in bed and blinking rapidly against the sunlight pouring into his room. “Huh?”

“I brought you a little something to eat.” His mom sets a plate of buttered toast and a glass of water on his nightstand, and then leans down to drop a kiss against his head. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbles honestly. He doesn’t want to lie to her. “Tired, I guess.”

“Sam called the house again,” she says. She takes a seat on the edge of his bed and reaches out to brush a hand through his hair. “He left a message, said you haven’t been picking up your cell. He’s worried, Blaine. I’m sure Tina is too.”

Blaine winces, dropping his gaze down to his blankets. Just one more thing you’re sucking at lately.

He hasn’t called Sam or Tina since he got back to Lima. At first, he was too ashamed to tell them the truth, although he knows that Sam is probably aware of what happened. Kurt and Mercedes talk, and even though Sam isn’t with her anymore, he knows that he and Mercedes are still very close. Sam’s been blowing up his phone for weeks. He sent a perfunctory, “back home for a while, but going to be really busy for a while” text, so Sam wouldn’t assume he was ignoring him, but he’s sure Sam has long figured out it was a lie.

“You don’t have to call him back until you’re ready,” his mom tells him. “But I do think he’d love to hear from you, baby. He could come over and keep you company, play some video games, you could-”

“No,” he mutters, shaking his head. “I don’t want him to come over.”

“Why not?”

I just don’t,” he manages. I don’t want him to see me like this.

I don’t want him to be mad at Kurt.

I don’t even know if I want to be mad at Kurt anymore. All of this is just so exhausting.

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about a while ago?”

Blaine snaps his head up to meet her eyes. “You- no, mom. I’m fine, I promise. I just need a couple more days to…” He trails off with a sigh. To what? Wallow in his sadness? Sleep away and accomplish nothing? He hasn’t been the slightest bit productive since he left New York. It feels like he used up all his energy packing up and moving home.

That was over a month ago, and he still hasn’t recovered from it.

“It’s not really a matter of being fine, sweetheart. You know that. I just think talking about it might-”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” He snaps. And then he watches her face shift and crumples, lump in his throat throbbing as he squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

A pair of hands reaches for him, and he lets himself go, lets her pull him into a hug and buries his face in the crook of her neck. He takes a deep breath, and then another, hot tears burning at his eyes.

He doesn’t want to cry anymore. He feels like he’s done nothing but cry about this. He doesn’t know how he still has tears left.

“I know,” she murmurs, rubbing his back. “And I know you don’t think it’ll help. But you might be surprised, Blaine. I just think you should give it a chance. Get yourself back on your feet and feeling a little better, hm?”

She presses another kiss to the top of his head and props him back against his pillows. “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Just think about it, okay?”

“Okay,” he chokes out.

“I’m just going to be downstairs doing some work. Let me know if you want another piece of toast, all right?”

At his nod, she makes her way out of his room, and Blaine slumps back against his headboard, still fighting tears.

She’s probably right. It would help, far more than it would hurt. His mom has been a proponent of him seeing someone ever since Sadie Hawkins. He insisted he’d be okay then, and, seeing his distress, she didn’t push too hard for it. He knows she regrets that now, knows she blames herself for things getting as bad as they have. If he had gone, back then, maybe they would’ve been able to address some of this before it turned so bad.

But talking means talking about everything. About the dance, and meeting Kurt, and it going from so good to so bad, in such a short amount of time. It means talking about the things he hoped would stay buried, the ways in which he and Kurt were not perfect, his tendency to latch onto things and cling to them, tighter than he probably should have.

He isn’t sure he’s ready to think about more than how angry he is, or how much this hurts. He isn’t sure he’s ready to move out of this stage of staying in bed and not facing the world, holing up in his childhood bedroom and not confronting the life that he feels like he put on pause a month ago. He knows things are different now. He just isn’t sure he’s ready to see how much everything’s changed.

He doesn’t feel like he’s ready to move past all of this, but he knows he needs to.

He knows he needs to leave all of this behind, to start talking about it and thinking about it and rebuilding the pieces of his mess of a life. Otherwise, he’s destined to feel like this forever.

And that scares him even more.

---

Kurt is exhausted.

And if he’s really honest with himself, he’s felt this tiredness for a while now, become so accustomed to it that it feels like he’s leeched it into part of his personality, taken on the ache in his chest and the heaviness of his bones like a jacket with rocks in the pockets, weighing him down with every step he tries to take.

It’s the kind of tired that feels consuming, quicksand that swallows him the more he tries to get out of it. The kind that makes him feel like he’s running on empty, with no sign of a gas station for miles, the kind of tired that makes every day, every action, every conversation, feel like too much.

Part of him thought that this would stop once he ended things with Blaine. He didn’t want to go there. He never wanted to believe that Blaine could be the reason for all of this. How could the person that made him feel so, so loved and safe on his worst days also be the person that made him feel like this? It just didn’t make sense.

It never felt true, but the thought continued to linger, and with every passing day, ate more and more away at him. He tried not to spend too much time in that place. It hurt too much to think about until he was blurting out the words he didn’t even plan on saying.

And then, everything changed.

The breath it allowed him to take, the exhale, didn’t last long. Instead, he’s left with the image of Blaine’s crumpled, heartbroken expression every time he closes his eyes, the I will never forgive you for this playing on loop in his head every time he tries to think about what it could mean going forward.

That was it.

He ruined it.

He drove Blaine away for good.

Kurt remembers the day it happened so clearly. Getting home after a long day of classes, worn out and ravenous, only to be greeted by Blaine’s key to the loft sitting on the kitchen table. He’d sent Kurt a text that had far too many periods and was capitalized in all the right places – which, Blaine usually tended to do, but never in his life had Kurt read a message from him that felt so stiff and robotic and formal – about the rest of his portion of rent and bills for the month.

Blaine was gone.

Really, really gone.

And Kurt was alone, feeling further and further away from the people that loved him with each passing day.

In the beginning, he thought that was what he needed. Time away. A chance to be by himself and reevaluate the decisions he’d made over the past year. Crunch the numbers and figure out if Blaine remained in the equation by the end. He just wanted to be certain, be sure, that he wasn’t opening himself up to be hurt again. He wasn’t sure he could take it one more time, give his heart back to Blaine only to have it dropped, shattered like a stone.

He just wanted to feel safe.

He wanted to be sure of it, sure that he could let his heart go, run wild and free like it did in the common room, racing toward the boy with the beautiful voice who had held his hand and made him feel seen for the first time in his life. He wanted it to feel like that again. Untethered, too strong to control, defying each doubt with that wave of invincibility. So pure and open, expansive with all of the potential, broken parts shaved off to make room for the newness.

Maybe he just wasn’t meant to have that with Blaine, he’d thought. Maybe Blaine was supposed to be a bridge that helped him on the road to finding that. Maybe he’d meet someone else that would make him feel like Blaine first had, someone else that would make him feel weightless.

He tries to just go for it, to let it happen, but it never does. It never feels right, never the kind of right that it felt with Blaine. He lets Elliott set him up with friends that the other deems perfect, just your type, and feels nothing.

He tries speed dating, and starts getting more serious about Tindr. He matches with a few guys, goes on a couple of dates, flirts and reciprocates and tries, to let himself fall headfirst. It’s fun. Every date is a good time. They’re warm and light and exploding with newness. But the sparks die out after the first twenty minutes and then Kurt finds himself back in his head, thinking about hair gel and bowties and nonfat mochas, intertwined hands and the insides of coffee shops, the way it all felt like the safest home he’s ever known.

And he hates it, he hates that he feels nothing. He hates that his heart belongs to the hair gel and the bowties, because he fucked that up. He ruined that.

Kurt goes to class, goes to work, and comes home. Sometimes he sees Elliott, and sometimes he stays past his shift to chat with Artie at the diner, but otherwise, he spends every day the same. Sitting and staring through shows on TV, shoving spoonful after spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, and trying desperately to turn his brain off. Trying desperately not to wade into the murky waters of every moment that led up to that night.

I will never forgive you for this.

The realization slaps him in the face.

He’s trying to move on, and then he’s crying in public, humiliating himself in front of a perfectly good Tindr match, overcome with the sheer magnitude of the words that came out of his mouth so many months ago. It hadn’t hit him until then, how insistent, how cruel he had been in the moment. How he had the power to turn Blaine from light and warm and excited, to completely and utterly broken, in the span of a single conversation.

He did that.

And sure, it wasn’t just about toothpaste and towels and Blaine’s newfound habit of tardiness, sure, there was so much painful and deep and wrong underneath the surface. Sure, Kurt had had doubts ever since the car ride and the non-surprise of a proposal, sure, it would have come to the light sooner or later, sure, he was just speeding up the process.

But never in his life has he been so disgusted in himself. Never in his life has he gone back over a moment so many times in his head, wished he could turn back time and that 20/20 happened before hindsight and that he could see the future of misery he’d end up in and not decide to ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him.

They could’ve talked about it. Blaine is one of the most understanding people Kurt has ever met. He would’ve absolutely been open to something like that. One of Kurt’s favorite things about him is that kindness, that space for grace he is able to hold for others.

Talk to me. Tell me you’re unhappy.

We’ve been putting this off for far too long.

Don’t you think we should have the talk?

Wait, Kurt, let’s talk about this.

Blaine always wanted to talk. It was how he felt safe, Kurt is realizing. Blaine wanted the words, the vocalization that everything was okay in that real and concrete way. It was how he grounded himself.

Kurt’s never been one for talking. He keeps his feelings close to his chest, locked up tight. He knows they’re not what people want to hear. They’re messy, and don’t always make sense. Sometimes they feel like the worst parts of him all bundled up into one, complete with pieces of him that haven’t fully left the horrors of high school behind.

Talking about them is effort he doesn’t have to exert. He’ll be opening Pandora’s box with no way to contain the contents. He doesn’t necessarily want to know how the people in his life feel about him. He doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. It scares him too much. There’s just no reason to ruin a perfectly good foundation by having conversations that uncover all of the cracks.

No, it’s better to drop a bomb on the entire thing and destroy it in one fell swoop.

He sometimes feels like he’d fallen asleep after Finn died and is only now being wrenched out of his nightmare, waking into a world that is far different than when he left it. Everything’s been on pause for so long. Hitting play feels like coming back to a reality he barely recognizes. A person he barely recognizes.

He hadn’t realized how much he didn’t like himself until there was nothing to distract from it. And maybe it isn’t his entire self, per say, but who he’s turned into. The person that’s been morphed together after the tiring, tumultuous year they’d all had. The stress, the anxiety, the exhaustion, personified. Even the littlest things – the tiny, stupid, don’t matter in the grand scheme of it, things – make him angry.

He’s been living on fumes for too long and everything feels like it’s at a breaking point. He’s trying to hold on to the reins, but they’re slipping out of his hands too quickly and he’s too tired to keep running to catch up. His life feels like it’s unraveling and it scares him, because he has never been this person. He has never been unable to keep going, unable to push through, to carry on, put all his stock into the rainbow on the other side and his nose down until he reaches it.

But everything that’s happened in the past few years, high school, and Karofsky, and all the little things he let go, all the things he said were okay and tried to move past and eventually decided didn’t mean anything anymore, never truly went away. They laid dormant for a while, so much so that he’d just about forgotten about them, until they decided to come back with a vengeance. Like he’s being reminded of how messed up his life is, because for once, hewas the one to cause it.

He’s spent so long being too gay, or too fragile, or too feminine, to get the things that he really wants. There’s always been something he couldn’t control, something inherently wrong with him, which keeps him from getting anything on the first try. It always takes extra work, extra effort, the need to prove that he does deserve it and has earned the role, or the solo, or the opportunity that is almost inevitably given up to someone else.

Maybe a small part of him thought that Blaine would be like that too.

The proposal wouldn’t be enough to propel them into a lifetime of happiness.

It couldn’t be that easy.

He wouldn’t get to be that happy.

There is so much wrong with him. Kurt knows that. He knows he can be bitchy, sometimes cold, often not someone that’s easy to get close to. He knows he has a tendency to hold everything in until he reaches a breaking point and lashes out.

He knows he’s angry. He knows he’s in pain.

And he knows Blaine didn’t need to see any of it, didn’t deserve any of it. Blaine was too good, too warm, too unimaginably kind, to deserve these parts of him. He didn’t want their relationship to turn into it, go sour and stunted until Blaine began to resent him.

Blaine loved him anyway. In spite of everything. Blaine’s capacity for love was so massive and unlimited, and Kurt couldn’t understand it. Blaine wanted to work on things, always, and Kurt didn’t understand that, either. He’s spent his entire life trying desperately to be okay, to be enough, for people, to not be a problem they will one day resent solving and decide to abandon by the side of the road. People don’t want a mess. They don’t want someone who’s broken. They don’t want to be there when the going gets bad.

But everything is just so much, and Kurt has never been more tired of fighting.

He can’t hide it anymore. Can’t compress it down and pretend it isn’t happening. A recent study session with Elliott turned into a minor – he would deem minor, although Elliott would definitely evaluate it way worse – breakdown over one of his theory papers. What should’ve been some simple frustration over his inability to phrase his argument was instead far more loaded, the depths of his anger and stress seeping through, unable to be contained.

Maybe talking is – finally – what he needs. He’s tried everything else.

He reaches over and into the pocket of the jacket he wore a couple days ago, and pulls out the card Elliott pushed into his hand as they left the coffee shop. For the therapist I used to see when I first got to the city, Elliott had told him. She really helped me sort through some stuff, and I know she can help you too.

Call, he had urged quietly. Please, Kurt. It doesn’t have to be like this.

It isn’t the first time Elliott’s brought up seeing a therapist. That was his first suggestion when Kurt broke the news of his and Blaine’s breakup. Kurt had ignored him then, insisted that the breakup was all he needed. He’d be fine.

But the lump in his throat has been there for weeks, and he is so tired of being on the verge of tears all the time.

That’s what he tells himself, as he grabs his phone. His fingers shake as he puts in the number and presses ‘call’.

He’s so tired of being tired.

[neopiacentral]

long post incoming sry but

i randomly decided to look at my blocked voicemails earlier today and i realized had about… 20 or so from my mom starting in march of this year . and honestly listening to them made me feel so sad but not because it made me miss her or anything .. but bc it made me realize even though i haven’t had her in my life even remotely since i was 19 and i’m now 24, she is still the same person that she was before. she tells everyone around her that she is sober and they relay those messages to me (probably at her request) but in the voicemails i can just tell by the way she speaks that she’s not and it’s so crazy to me that she thinks i’m unable to tell when she is or isn’t sober after spending years dealing with her and her addictions lmfao

the messages were absolutely full of her trying to guilt trip me into talking to her - saying i “HAD to talk to her because she is my ONLY mom and i am her ONLY daughter”. and that if i wouldn’t see her for my own sake, then i should at least see her so i could also see my two dogs (that i loved more than anything in the world but had to leave to get away from my abusive parent) bc they missed me and still looked for me all the time. one of the messages was just her crying and asking me to “just call her because we can’t do this forever”. another saying she wants to apologize for everything and there’s no excuse for what she did and it wouldn’t kill me to just talk to her face to face so we can sort it all out

and it’s like. i feel like any apology that would have made a difference should’ve came when i was telling her over and over daily that i hated who she was becoming and that being around her made me absolutely miserable. and like yea she IS my only mom and i AM her only daughter but she still treated me like shit for years so that is why i don’t want to speak to her. those titles clearly held no weight in her eyes when she was being cruel to me so it is funny how they matter now when it benefits her. the one person in the world who was supposed to be there for me unconditionally spent so long hurting me worse than anyone else ever could. told me to go fuck myself almost weekly and when i would confide in my close friends about the things she would do or say to me they would cry for me because they legit could not understand how a parent could treat their child in the way she was treating me.

it sucks because before i left las vegas to move across the country i was considering reconnecting w her bc it’s hard to do these really stressful things with no real support system other than the person u are dating who is going through the exact same stressful situation as u (who is just as burnt out). but i just had a hunch it would end badly and the voicemails from today reassured me that i made the right choice

sometimes it’s hard not to feel bad bc she really was begging me to talk to her in almost every single message and she was leaving messages like she was having an actual conversation w me (telling me about completely out of the blue things she’s seen recently that i should look at or watch bc she thinks i’d like them) bc she really is alone over there since my brother doesn’t speak to her either but i have to keep reminding myself that she did it to herself and i’m not being selfish by refusing to let her mess with my head and my heart more than she already has

[touchmycoat]

Who are your top five favorite mxtx characters and why?

OHOHOHO

okay let’s do this in categories

FAVS TO WRITE DIALOGUE + ACTIONS FOR: hua cheng and shen jiu

because they’re unrepentant horrid bitches to everyone and that’s what i live for. I’m proud of Farmer’s Almanac at large but I’ll fully confess to laughing at the hualian cameos every fucking time. And, here, from porn!AU upcoming chapter:

“He is not staying here,” Shen Jiu pronounced, the same moment Liu Qingge declared:

“I’m not staying here.”

“My apartment isn’t a stable for your farm animals,” Shen Jiu sneered. Shen Yuan hastily grabbed Liu Qingge by the wrist to keep him from decking meanie-pants Jiu-ge

FAV TO READ: xie lian

tgcf really takes the cake for me in terms of mc. He has me completely sold on 1) how fucking kind he is, 2) how fucking smart he is, 3) how fucking CUTE he is, and 4) he just deserves the world doesn’t he. There’s not a single moment of tgcf I don’t get sucked into literally because XL is present. He analyzes the situation and I’m really obsessed with all the ways he chooses to engage with people and the world. He causes situations but not in a dumb way. His backstory takes him to a genuinely dark place so it’s inspiring to watch him claw his way out. He pushes the plot forward without making everything about himself (it’s everyone else who’s making it about him lmfao). He owns his narrative space with grace and power, until he bluescreens because HC kisses him, but even then we’re all winning.

FAVS TO SLUT AFTER: liu qingge, song lan, nie mingjue

mmmmm meaty men... i... have a type... righteous loyal meaty boys who would submit SO well... boys who can take a lot of slapping... and cutting... They’re my favs to BDSM too (she says, gesturing vaguely at all her mdzs fics)

FAV ALL-ROUNDERS: a-qing and he xuan

A-QING. IS. MY. GIRL. She’s brave and loud and so right about the world’s suckiness, but is still willing to give it a chance. She not only survives but also tries to make life the thing most worth living. She doesn’t trust people until she does. She’s resentful and so fucking loyal. I give her as many cameos as humanly possible ‘cause she just brings delight to everything.

He Xuan is. oh dear. The world royally royally fucked him over and he changed for the worse because of it, yes. But at his core, he’s still a GOOD MAN. He still gave SQX a fair chance and he didn’t lose his sense of self to the vengeance (this is why i’m still kind of devoted to the Oldboy!AU for him, SWD and SQX; i’ve got academic resources open for him). He’s a Calamity for a damn good reason.

(Can I take this moment to share my fic ft. A-Qing AND He Xuan: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26790448

I mean my fics are basically arguments on why I like the characters I write about lolol)

SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO: lan yi and baoshan sanren

like, mountain mom?? and cave mom???? that star-crossed romance driven apart by a difference in principles? Being so heartbroken that you forsake the world? i’m SO gay for it.

(*slaps my thesis on mountain/cave momthers here too*: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26339389)

SO IF I HAD TO RANK

1. Xie Lian 2. A-Qing 3. He Xuan 4. ...............whomever I’m horniest for from the above selection 5. i’m probably still horny so. Another.

[richietoaster]

Review/Reaction of IT Chapter Two

Let’s just start right off the bat and let me just say that Bill Hader better get a fucking award for his performance.

Alright. Here we go y’all. im trying to stay in order with what happened but so much happened in the movie that my brain is just all over the place so excuse me while i try to form words

UNDER THE CUT CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS

• first opening scene is a fucking LOT okay like i sobbed my eyes out and it was just not cool. adrian and his boyfriend? CUTE AF. Him getting brutally beat up and then killed by Pennywise while Don just watches? NOT CUTE AF

• Mike is a precious boy and I love him so. He cares about his friends so much holy shit. they all get mad at him for lying to them tho.But he only did it to protect them. Mike knew some SHIT(tm) our boy is so smart?? I’m glad they kept to his original storyline

• Older Bill gave himself so much shit this film and i just felt so bad. like we know it isnt ur fault okay?? We know you loved your brother, stop putting yourself down. also?? him becoming protective over dean? please stop my aching heart. 

• Jessica Chastain owns my whole heart and she can kick my ass anyday. She plays Bev so well and captures young bev’s personality so well. her scene with mrs kersh was very weird. i knew the second she ran naked in the hall i’d be seeing some weird fucking shit okay 

• Jay Ryan could kick me and I would personally thank him like?? wow what a man. He immediately recognizes bev when he first sees her and im just?? im happy. so many hidden new kids on the block reference and it had me fucking rolling in my grave

• JAMES FUCKING RANSONE MY DUDE OH LORD okay listen. he gives off young eddie’s panic and chaotic energy so perfectly i felt like i was watching him as an adult, who just never grew up. I think thats what he was going for honestly. He played eddie SO FUCKING WELL 

• I’m so sad about stan. THats all you need to know okay. I’ll talk about his letter later on in this. Stan deserved better. that’s all. 

• if you are not a fan of vomit you’re not gonna enjoy richie tozier. literally any time something bad happens hes just like ah shit here we go again *vomits* and honestly? that made me laugh. like hes just like oh shit something is happening let.. let me just.. no no its fine guys ill catch up.. EHBWFIJHDFSIJ no okay but bill hader stole the fucking show. his acting was phenomenal and,, again,, i’ll add more onto that later. 

• richie scares the shit out of dean. because he thinks hes pennywise. but can you blame him? the kid just. stared at him all creepy and shit. but its so funny. the losers make fun of him bc he doesnt know his own lines from his acts and richies just like “I dont write my own material” and eddies just like “I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT” dead. goodbye.

• Young losers were still my favorite part honestly. Eddie kept bouncing that stupid ball in stan’s face in the clubhouse and i was waiting for him to get punched in the face tbh. That didn’t even seem like eddie, that was Jack’s energy bursting through the seams lmfao

• young eddie runs into a fucking box and shrieks and if that isn’t me idk ewhdfiajksjdoi 

• THE FUCKING. HAMMOCK. SCENE. okay listen to me. thats gay. hammocks are now gay. gays only. gay interacts only. the bickering between reddie had me in TEARS. eddie kept kicking at his face and just?? casually??? lays on him when richie wont move?? 

• stan’s fucking shower cap ehfdiujasdiosa and then richie being like “nobodys afraid of spiders stanley okay” and eddie slowly removes his because he cares what richie thinks more than spiders ok

• a flashback from after they defeated IT in the first move with reddie “eddie youve been gone for 24 hours your face is most likely on a milk carton by now” “shut up richie” 

• yong Richie has me weak af this whole movie, like always. just getting on Eddie’s case. HE PINES SO HARD OH Y GOD Like wow my sweet boy is so fucking in love ouch. which?? BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT??

• THE ARCADE SCENE?? he checks out the kid standing next to him and tries to get him to hang out more and then the other kid tells him to stop being weird because he’s not gay, too, and then uses the F slur. richie was just so hurt. paul bunyun scene happens after that and hes just like “I just shit my pants” and i cried. 

• pennywise screaming “lets play truth or dare, you wouldnt pick truth! you dont want them to know your secret” gave off the same energy as eddie’s leper blowjob scene from the book. same energy. do with that as you will. 

• they had some flashbacks that included pennywise and im not sure if this was before or after they had defeated IT in the first movie but i interpreted it as after and if thats the case... hes supposed to be dead. but now thinking back on it, it was probably just more scenes before they put pennywise to rest for 27 years. 

• young richie went to the kissing bridge after that and we ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE. fucking.. r + e :((( although we don’t see him carving the E. but reddie is canon so suck toes antis

• stephen king pretty much being like “I know u and ur endings really do suck” to bill when he comes to buy his bike was so fucking funny. it almost felt like a self insert lmfao. ALSO HIM MAKING BILL PAY 300 BUCKS FOR THE BIKE BC HE KNEW HE COULD AFFORD IT? iconic. 

• richie and eddie opening the door to the dog had me laughing. pennywise was just mocking them at that point. they’d be such good dog dads and now im sad

• i was really confused because they added part of stan’s bar mitzvah?? like it wasn’t even the same from the first movie. like they should’ve just put the deleted scene in from ch. 1 and then added that part. thats one of my very few complaints. im slowly hiding them in here. 

• henry bowers was kinda irrelevant in this honestly but thank you eddie for stabbing him and richie for killing him for trying to kill mike yall heroes 

• BEVS BLOOD SCENE ?? CORRESPONDING WITH BENS BURIED ALIVE SCENE? poetic cinema. 10/10

• the big fight really disappointed me in all honesty. but i think thats because andy said he cut so much from there. i expect it to be better with the director’s cut

• eddie saving richie and then immediately being stabbed by pennywise’s claw? IM DEPRESSED.

• “Rich! rich, i did it! i think i killed him!” Our boy was so happy with himself :( 

• eddie’s last words WERE NOT “i fucked your mom”. he was talking to richie and you can hear them talking while the rest are preparing to end pennywise. so im hoping we get that as a deleted scene. 

• richie goes back to help finish pennywise but when he goes to check on eddie.. he’s dead. ://// and bev is like “richie, come on, honey.. im sorry” and richie does not want to believe him. he grabs and hugs eddie so tight i swear i could feel that hug from the audience. 

• another thing im disappointed in and am sliding in is some of the animations? Like. fucking weird. but okay. luckily i didn’t care too much.  

• THE SOB that richie lets out when he holds eddie really hurt my fucking soul jesus christ just kill me

• the losers try cheering him up after and like. thats their friend too but you can just totally tell he’s crying in a different type of grief. THAT WAS HIS FIRST FUCKING LOVE. 

• they all remember after and thats really important to me okay

• stan writes letters and its spoken outloud while the other losers get little montages of what theyre doing with their life after the battle. Richie goes back to the kissing bridge and recarves- YES RECARVES AND YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE E BEFORE HE DOES- he recarves the E and while doing it, stan’s voice says “be proud of who you are” and im fucking cry ibg okay

• in the end, i give this movie a 7/10 rating. although some of the animations were weird and some of the flashbacks had pennywise in it (like hes supposed to be currently dead but ok... maybe nightmares??) the actors were PHENOMENAL and the chemistry between older richie and older eddie made me so happy. my ship is canon. but im still sad about stan and eddies death. 

• ignoring canon in 3.. 2.. 1.. now