#it hasnt been this bad since last semester

[abrd]

i need therapy so fuckibg bad also just need to be under a waterfall for awhile or maybe play with puppies. my mind is so intensely oppressive and heavy idk how to explain it but i just feel burdened always and i want to be a child again

[emeraldbabygirl]

this highlight stuff better be a fucking phase bc why am i crying over and lowkey highkey babying this grown ass man whos almost 14 years older than me

also my college ends wednesday so there's that :D

but damn im still worried about to1, last time they disappeared it was for a reason (idol's passing) but now they're just gone. and kyungho hasnt posted on bubble in 4 days. he rarely goes ONE day w/o posting on bubble

also i heard blackpink in the store today lol

Why do you want it to be a phase? Highlight is so good and I highly recommend checking out their music when they were going by B2ST. Shock is so good and Beautiful Night is such a summer night party banger, that song never gets old and it’s so damn good. Good Luck and Yey and Adrenaline are also really good too I recommend those songs as well. Also 12:30 and Ribbon and Butterfly are slow jams. They came out with Ribbon and Butterfly before they changed they name and left cube so it’s got such a nostalgic and significant feeling to me personally. Also cause of the time it was released and when I listened to it just reminds me of a summer night. ALSO CALLING YOU AND PLEASE DONT BE SAD ARE SO GOOD. Ugh I really need to get back into them it’s been so long since I’ve listened to Highlight. Not since way before the members Al started enlisting. I DID WATCH PREDATOR THO! So I’m not completely slow!

And it’s understandable to baby Yoseob he’s got the cutest lil face ever and I’m pretty sure most Yoseob stans still baby his old ass. My sister and I still do.

ALSO ALSO ALMOST DONE WITH COLLAGE FOR THE SEMESTER OR YEAR OR FORVER? Idk how college works I never went lol but are you getting summer vacation soon then? I wish you GOOD LUCK on all your finals exams and tingz uwu!

:( try not to worry too much about to1. I know how if feels as I have a lot of groups I’m following that are mia but we can only wait and hope that nothing band bad happened. And it is wake one so it could be anything. Just gotta wait it out and hope the boys are doing well and taking care of themselves. And maybe maybe! They are being given a break which it’s necessarily a bad thing! Try to be positive and maybe they’ll come back with something new and fun

P.S the only kpop song I’ve ever heard in a store is bts lol and I didn’t even recognize it til my sister brought it up and then I had to listen more carefully and it was dynamite.

[vaugarde]

2, 4, 23, 27 and 50 for the oc asks!!

already answered 4!

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

it changes with the week really but rn its predictably castor LMAO. i think abt him a lot

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

first one to come to mind is bates! how she changed is kinda spoilery so ill be vague, she was originally just gonna be comic relief and not important to the prequel at all, just a side character. she's basically crucial to the backstory of the prequel now and is castor's best friend initially (i havent posted art of them yet but!! its been sketched but it got deleted bc it was on a different program but i care abt em so expect em at some point lmao) she's still got a goofy concept in being a merchant that only sells trash but gets just as violent as kecleon if you steal it, but other than that... damn girl

(valerie also sorta counts for this ig but she hasnt really changed at all in terms of Her Deal and personality. its just that she was a side character instead of a main one. she only lasted as a side character for like a day)

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

idk if it counts but goodbye to a world and sad machine by porter robinson inspired me to actually do something with starfall (idea has existed since middle school). so u could say asha and skylar technically hehe. otherwise tho idk ive never heard a song and made an entire character around it. sometimes itll influence what they do or inspire me to tweak their arc tho

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

WAH ok ok so like. once the semester is done (bc holy shit i have way too much to do rn) i may just say fuck it and start writing starfall. im really bad at the outline stage so im thinking if i just write a first draft immediately, then weigh it and do a ton of rewriting and reformatting itll just inspire me to write more and just get it done. im feeling so bad for not posting bc i wanna talk abt these guys in more detail sjdklfjsdf

if not that then im absolutely starting @bugsofpetalroot. that one is very low stakes and will mostly be decided by ask prompts i think, its very laid back slice of life besides the few story arcs i have in mind (which will wait bc i want yall to know the characters first and the first one is pretty heavy) i wanted to do it earlier but i just have wayyy too much going on and i wanna spend my free time on quick stuff like mlp designs.

i also have a pokemon soul silver nuzlocke story i really wanna do!! the run itself is done i just gotta outline and make it fit as an adaptation (tons of characters gotta get cut bc i used a rotation team oof.) hopefully that wont be as difficult tho bc its based on a pre existing setting and stuff. most of the characters are figured out. no idea when its happening tho i have pmd oc brainrot

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

My cousin is supposed to be staying with us this weekend

She was supposed to be here earlier (she wouldve gotten here yesterday night if she hadn't stopped to get a hotel)

Shes being super dodgy about where she is and how long she's gonna be

She only gave us like 3 days notice that she was gonna be coming up here

Shes been texting my mom this whole time but now my parents have gone to bed cuz my dad is Routine Oriented™️ and Must be in bed by 9pm (preferably by 8 but he stretched it to almost 9 today just in case she showed up)

I am no longer in People Mode

So im just sitting here hoping she hasnt been like murdered or some shit but also hoping that if she's ok she goes to grandmas house to sleep on her couch instead cuz I dont wanna deal with getting her settled in this late

This is ME Time

I want to CHILL

I havent been able to chill all day

I couldnt fall asleep last night cuz of Anticipation but also my allergies were really bad so I couldn't breathe out of my nose so i didn't fall asleep til after 5am

I woke up at like 10am and had to clean the bathtub because we're having company (supposedly) and thats one of my TWO cleaning jobs (not counting keeping my room clean) and I was really proud of myself cuz I managed to get out of bed as soon as I woke up and got the tub cleaned

Then my dads cousin was over and chewby hates him so I was having to babysit a grumbly pitbull and try to keep her calm since my dad doesn't WARN me when Brad is gonna be here so I can't actually work with her on being chill around him

Then when me and my mom got back from the store dipshit was over here hanging out with my dad even tho my dad helped his wife leave him????? Like bro why do you think we want you here???

Then I took althea to get food for the week and lawrence is fucking stupid when it comes to planning roadwork. 6th street is a fucking mess. Getting to just food was fine cuz 7th street is alright until Kentucky street. But on the way back I took 9th street like I did last week to get back to Michigan street but Michigan street was CLOSED between 9th and 7th so then I had to turn around and go back to Maine street to get back to 7th street to get back to Michigan street. And there was so much fucking traffic cuz its the middle of the semester and yeah its spring break but its also the Friday at the end of spring break so people are starting to come back so there's like twice as many people as there would be if it was summer break.

Then I got home and dipshit was still here AND STAYED HERE FOR HOURS til my dad and Mike bribed the neighbors kid with weed (shes 18 and we're friends with her mom) to take him and his dog to a hotel cuz his (hopefully soon to be ex) wife is selling the house and kicked his ass out so he's effectively homeless now (he fucked around and found out. He's got a bus to somewhere next Wednesday. Hopefully not to where his wife is. Bobbi says she is living her best life now that she's back home with her parents and all her friends)

Like I have had a fucking day dealing with people and I do not have the patience to deal with getting my cousin settled at almost midnight. I am fried. I want to sit in my dark room with a bowl of yogurt with chocolate granola and raspberries and snuggle with my cat and watch horror game playthroughs on youtube until im ready to go to bed

[woodenbees]

Wow I'm so stressed and depressed

[m4isofia]

The very last semester

I don’t know how many times I have typed for this post.Technically,I had finished composing the entry but accidentally deleted the tab without saving it to draft....but first let me tell you guys how much i have put myself in the past yesterday just to recall everything to make this post feels very nostalgic.I try my best to put myself in everyone’s shoes because I want everyone to know how much we struggled for spm last year.SPM year was one of the best years for me like I want to repeat all those times again without sitting for spm OF COURSE cus I swear it was tiring as heck.

Nonetheless,please excuse my grammar mistakes as I have barely write anythinh now so I kinda think that my writing skills is getting rusty.

I don’t remember the exact date we started our final semester but all I know is,we were struggling for trials.We kinda made our teachers proud for trial right? mrsm tpg was below us and I can’t help myself but to remember how proud cikgu masyitah was when we managed to get number satu for sejarah trials spmrsm! geng,we all were so happy ~ even though addmaths spmrsm reminds me of how stupid I was ~ zaman trial was tiring,it felt as if we were in endless battle.To be very honest,things started to get more serious after trials ended.A week before spm starts,we had our last class in the class sebab after that,we had gemilang almost everyday at surau and classes could not be used as the form4 students used them for igcse exam.Basically,surau was our second home/dorm.Imagine staying at surau the whole day?? we literally left our belongings and books all scattered in the surau sampai kena marah dengan ustazah :/ especially when we (form 5 girls) had our very own spot at the surau so i guess leaving all my stuff could be safe?? and i was so lazy to bring all the books to dorm after all nanti kena turun balik surau,so it’s just the same,the bad thing was,surau looked messy because of us hihi.

As I mentioned earlier,we had gemilang everyday at surau,even after gemilang habis pun,some of us would stay back and sambung study.That was how much we were scared to sit for spm.The pressure for spm was real,dengan the endless handouts for every freaking subject and most importantly,the 10 set handout sejarah ( I swear we all were stressing out because of this haha).When I said that this is an endless battle,yes it is,after habis trials pun i still keep reminding myself that the battle hasnt ended yet mai,hold on a little bit mai,this will be over soon.LIKE LITERALLY EVERYDAY.Countdown to spm was terrifying,to see how fast each day went by,dengan the mental breakdowns some of us had because of addmaths,everything went so fast.Sometimes I felt like i didnt want spm to start so that we can always study together at surau.

Even during riadah hour,girls in my batch started to turun awal surau,we sacrificed our golden hour to nap just to revise more and more.Even if it’s mrsm that we are talking about but that does not mean we are guaranteed to get straights A+,even most of us are the stuggling students that need to work our ass off barulah score.At surau,gelegam became more closer that I remember,gelegam is the girls in our batch,we called ourselves gelegam sebab the name of the whatsapp group is gelegam,so honestly I don’t know where that came from??anyway i still remember how chaotic the surau was when gelegam turun awal surau.Everyone was literally stretching up their muscles on the field while some of us rather studying in the surau.I remember when some would ask “sape tahu dinner apa”,,,,”weh cafe bukak tak sekarang”,,,,fuh i never thought i would come to the point that i would miss those kind of questions.The voices are always lingering on my mind to be honest.I remember how I nganjing nad almost everyday cus she’s gonna sambung study kat utp so i kept nganjing her everyday,our hakak utp :) hahaa see now nadirah is a freaking utp student! proud? yes i am.

During the spm month,the time was slowly arranging its pace but at the same time everything was so fast that I couldnt catch a breath.During those trying times,parents and teachers played a very important role.I am grateful to have teachers that endlessly motivating us despite all of our worries towards spm.Remember when unit sejarah,(cikgu masyitah + cikgu rohaya +cikgu azizan) pesan to us before we entered the hall for paper 3 sejarah,

“kamu bertarung untuk kertas tiga dalam dewan selama 3 jam,cikgu cikgu akan masak kenduri untuk kamu selama 3 jam,kamu mula je 3 jam tu nanti maka cikgu cikgu sejarah kamu pun akan mula memasak”

weh i literally heard cikgu masyitah’s voices in my head! hahaha,truth to be told we had no idea what’s the kenduri gonna be like,makan apa,minum apa.BUT,after we finished the freaking 3 hours,and bukak je pintu dewan,there were two long tables with bihun goreng + sirap ais on it.WE WERE ALL SHOUTINGGG AND CARI CIKGUUUU! wow that was the best times i ever had in mrsm pt *cries a river*.I would never forget the taste of the bihun goreng (anyway sumpah lapar after 3 hours in the hall),i would never forget how lega our sejarah teachers were sebab sejarah battle is over.Aaaa I miss.Anyway not to forget,cikgu masyitah was there for us since day 1 of spm! she was there right in front of the hall,bila dah nak start pun,tak kisah lah subject apa pun she was still gonna be there depan dewan tunggu kita beratur except for physics sebab cikgu balik kampung.Other than that guys,what’s funnier is,cikgu masyitah literally the only warden that woke us up during the toughest month yet especially bila hari takde exam! tahajjud semua entah ke mana haha,trust me bila ada gap spm tuu fuh heaven but stress at the same time cus the subject coming up usually makin susah.Cikgu masyitah would literally turn off our kipas dorm and on lampu besar!!!!!!! see how chaotic.

Two weeks ago,we eventually ended our battle geng.The long-awaited day has come.Pagi pagi lagi as usual takde selera nak makan.Group whatsapp batch has been filling up with spm 2019 stats,press conference kpm.Everyone was literally freaking out and excited sebab lama tak jumpa kan.Sekali jumpa,ha satu dewan bising.Truthfully,I will never fully prepare for result’s day.Bila dah masuk dewan,the place we all used to sit for spm ,is now the place for us to receive our spm result.Vermillion,congrats guys,congrats for the flying colours and uxpected result.We even made it to the news! One of the mrsm yang achieved gps below 2.00.That was incredible.Everyone was at their happiest time ambik result and I thank Allah for that.Some of us were hugging our teachers so tight because we managed to get A.Some of us were talking to cikgu about our batch ranking.We made it to top 5 guys! top 5 mrsm semalaysia,thats crazy sia.

Before I hit the sack,I really hope our path cross again someday and i can’t wait to see each of us become the woman and the man of our dreams.I hope everyone gets to pursue in the course that you guys have been dreaming for.I pray that we will have a stable life,financially stable,physically and mentally stable.Things that happened in maktab taught us a lot and I really hope we could bring the best out of it.All those things,would teach us in so many possible ways that we couldnt imagine.If you find yourself lost in the middle,please reach out to someone,remember what teacher naza said to us,pilih kawan yang baik baik,solat jaga,jaga diri.

I end my entry with a few pictures of my one and only batch,vermillion.

thank you,thank you vm fam,for these 5 years.

[flooffybits]

oh god, i can feel that pain. i have allergies too and when its spring i just cannot stop sneezing, and my nose ends up so congested that i want to cut it off or something. seasons just dont give me a break, i get seasonal depression in fall/winter, allergies in spring and i just hate summer

it hasnt been my greatest time tbh , ive been feeling super low lately (most of it due to seasonal depression), but life doesnt stop when you feel low, so i have to keep pushing through. although, a few days ago my winter break started, so ive been relaxing a bit, reading a bunch and also playing pokemon. i hope it all gets better for my last semester in hs

my allergies are also triggered by the season. there are times it gets so bad that I'm out of commission for full ass day. I'm just kinda pushing myself today since yknow family outing and all. my meds haven't quite kicked in yet but I'm hoping it goes away soon so i can at least enjoy the weekend

I'm sure you'll do fine. you're doing your best and that's what matters. use your break time to rest and recuperate then kick ass once the semester starts again

[joseph-joestar-plz-twerk-4-me]

post breakup vent post

i do not understand what happened. i feel like ive been played? we only dated for like 3 months (in a relationship for one) but he initiated everything. he initiated the meeting, he asked me to be in a relationship, he offered up his place to me and told me that he was sad to see me leave whenever i went over. but then he breaks up with me because he ‘doesnt have feelings for me anymore’ which would be valid if he didnt immediately follow with ‘ im just looking to settle down and have kids and youre going to go so far in your career’ when he has told me that he doesnt want to have kids anytime soon and would love to be a stay at home dad and so im really confused as to why he would mention that? he also said he doesnt want to overwhelm me since im in school but we started dating during teh semester and im done next month so ??? im not sure how thats relevant either. hed say such nice things. he wanted to buy a night stand for the side of his bed i usually slept on bc he felt bad that i kept my phone on the floor at night. his friends were really surprised he was seeing someone because he hasnt dated anyone in years and it was saying a lot that he was introducing me to ppl bc that meant he really liked me. hed say that his bed smelled like me and he missed me. im just not sure how you go from that to breaking up with someone in a matter of weeks. im so confused and i dont understand. i feel like his reason was a cop out. he went to an acquantances wedding this weekend and my friends think that that really fucked him up. he also waited until i started my period to break things off which idk if that was intentional but the timing is weird. the timing is fishy for all of it. i thought we were fine two week ago because the last time i saw him he said he wanted to take me out on a proper date soon and i was so excited but its hard to work around our schedules (opposite) but i was willing to change my availbility to do so (and i have. i gave up my favorite shift of the week bc i knew i wouldnt be able to get a weekend day off so i figured a weeknight where i didnt have class would be the best bet. i spent those nights with him). last week he cancelled on me because he ‘didnt think he’d be fun to be around’ since he was still doing work but that doesnt matter to me? i literally just wanted to be in the same space as him. i didnt mind just being productive together. and then he goes to a wedding and breaks up with me two days later. waht??? his birthday is next week too and his friends are flying in. he told me he was excited to introduce me to these friends and wanted to make sure i would have his birthday off work. so why would he break up with me a week before?? i just feel like there is another element that he didnt tell me that led to the break up or that maybe he was playing me all along. it doesnt make sense to me how someone can go from that affectionate and excited to be around me to not wanting to have anything to do with me. im so heartbroken and blindsided and sad because no im not ready for marriage or kids or anything but i was ready to open up and be vulnerable again which is incredibly hard for me to do just around friends let alone a romantic partner, especially given how my past partners have made me feel. i feel silly for crying so much over someone i was dating for 3 months but i was completely unprepared for it when he called me and said he was ending our relationship. i couldnt finish my assignment last night, im hungry but when i try to eat i get nauseous, and i couldnt sleep last night. i just dont understand waht happened. i really liked him and i want to know where it went wrong. i just dont get it. he also broke up with me right after i said i needed to finish my book assignment so i could resume my internship application grind and he asked all day if i was having dnd tonight which was weird and i almost asked why he was asking but decided not to but when i said no he was like ‘free night!’ and then broke up w me less than an hour later. and then i did end up having dnd. but i cancelled last minute bc i cried all last night. lmao.

[babbushka]

Hey, Mrs Z

I've really not been enjoying university lately and it's been making me pretty anxious consistently, like I don't do badly grades wise better than I thought I would do, but it just makes me feel off. I thought it would get better in second year but it hasnt. I just wanted to know if you have any advice or if you had a similar experience cause you seem to be pretty wise on this stuff and I respect your opinion. Thanks bunches xx

Hello my dear anon! 

Please may I first just say that you are so loved, and you matter more than your grades, and your self worth as a person has no tie whatsoever to academic achievements. Don’t ever forget that. You are wonderful, you are smart, and kind, and I love you very very much. 

You also, are not alone!! Please don’t feel as though you have to sit with all this anxiety all by yourself, the stress of university is something that everyone goes through to some degree, and (for the most part) your tuition pays for so many different resources that you can take advantage of! 

I of course don’t know your specific university’s setup, but I know that many of them have people you can talk to, that will be able to give you more specific help or advice. Please don’t feel bad about using them, you’re already paying for it! 

(the rest of this is going under a cut because it got long smh im too wordy im sorry)

My personal experience was basically an amazing time in undergrad, but my final quarter of grad school was.....hell. Like the kind of hell where I wanted to drop out and move home and hide my face from the world in shame forever (I got straight As, but I was absolutely miserable and burnt out and grieving a family loss and it was just...bad). 

I spiraled into a very dangerous depression, I wasn’t sleeping or eating or going out much, I was barely showing up to class, and I wanted to be done. At that point, I had been in university for 6 years straight with no summers or semesters off, and I was officially at my breaking point. I stuck through it because I was like literally 10 weeks from graduation, but I do know how brutal it can feel, so I am with you in that regard, I truly am. 

As for advice, I do have some words that I’d like to share, but of course you have to always do what is right for you, no matter what anyone says. You know yourself and your situation the best, these are just the things that helped me. 

The biggest piece of advice that I have is, don’t be afraid to make changes to your schedule. Second year is still early enough in your academic journey to change majors or add a minor, if you find that you’re unhappy with what you’re doing. When we first start school, we’re told straight away that it’s a huge decision -- and it can be! But it is not a final decision. 

If your classes aren’t fulfilling, change them! If you have an opportunity for a fun elective completely out of the norm for your major, take it!! Some of the best times in university I ever had, were in classes that had literally nothing to do with my degree. I have a BA in film and an MFA in animation but my favorite classes were all fine arts or history! 

There is more freedom than you think, and that’s something I think we forget. You have the freedom to move your schedule around, to join clubs and leave clubs, to explore new places on campus, to meet new people. You have the freedom to rest and care for yourself. No one is going to know a year from now if you skipped one class. No one is going to hold it over you if you do poorly on an assignment. You have the freedom to say “this isn’t what I want anymore” and you can change it. It might mean that you’re in school for a semester or two longer, but if it’s the right path for you, then take it. 

Which leads me to my other piece of advice, don’t feel like you have to rush through university. In grad school, the maximum amount of classes we were allowed to take was 3, and with that came about an 80/90 hour workweek since they were all studio classes. I knew people who took 3, and I knew people who took 2, and I knew people who took 1 at a time. Everyone works at a different pace. Everyone has a different threshold for what they can reasonably handle without going insane. I took 3 classes, and let me tell you that was so detrimental to my health (physically and mentally) in that last quarter. 

If you’re feeling so anxious and just not right and not like yourself, you may be taking on too much. There is no shame in delaying your path by an extra semester or two. There is no shame in moving at your own pace. If a full schedule is way too much, reduce it! You’re going to be paying for those classes anyway, might as well set it up so that you can actually enjoy them while you’re taking them. When you’re able to focus on fewer things at once, I find that you absorb them much better, and that will ultimately serve you better in the long run. 

I would like to end this by saying I think it’s also really important to note that everything, everything, is more stressful and anxiety inducing because of covid. Even if you don’t think so consciously, it is. Please give yourself some slack. Please give yourself some time to rest and relax. It’s so so important, now more than ever, to care for yourself first and foremost. 

Again, I’m sending you so much love and know that I’m proud of you. I wish academia weren’t so stressful, and I’m afraid I don’t have a cure for that. But I hope that you’re able to pinpoint why you’re feeling this way, and can take some actions like the ones I mentioned above to try and mitigate some of that. I’m wishing you the very best my dear anon! 

[edmartinsta]

Nice To Think I’m Still On Here

Woah has life changed since this. Tumblr is my first place I ever published anything and posted anything before Facebook and Twitter were even a thing for me. I cant tell you how excited I am to know that from here on out I can log in and continue something special to my heart. My posts are a little here and there so I hope I dont scare you away or weird you out or make it boring. From this moment I’ll try to continue my content through here where I know only one person will actually know to find me and no one else haha. To those that may not know me so well I used to be a music blog where I would talk about so much stuff until I realized I wanted to make a website. This was more of a private thing and actually more public than it is now with Tumblr’s popularity back in 2010ish when everyone I thought was cool owned a Tumblr. I guess I can’t blame them I left for a long time this and fell off hard even though I probably could have done something pretty cool with it by now or used it to help me on my other things. 

Little update: I left high school in 2013 so not much after the music posts I remember stopping this and maybe continuing it here and there, After there I went to community college where I ended up making lost of memories which im sure I’ll have plenty of time reminiscing with you guys, I then moved to Chicago to follow my dreams as a designer and stayed out there for about four years. Was amazing and could have been better if I planned better and actually could get a job out there that was laidback as I was a pretty tardy asshole to my employers. I wasnt late by hours but I was late often and if that didnt get me fired I would simply quit and never show my face there again. It was a mess, I was a mess, everything was fucked up but everything was also new and fascinating. I dont regret any of it. Now its been years since college and sadly I never finished with a semester remaining. That was a terrible day for my mother I could see she wanted to yell and cry because I told her I got expelled basically from art school for flunking. Man that was a terrible situation I tried to tell people I really tried my best was just a reckless kid who could never get any sleep and was always thinking of what to do and not doing the stuff. Ugh I get upset just thinking about it. So much time wasted. But I suppose I at least realize it now....also that I still dont regret it, it shapes us these failures. im 25 now and soon to be 26 and honestly I’m scared shitless. I feel like i never saved anything, never built credit, havent gone on a date in years, havent gone to eat with friends more than five times in six years, have broken almost everything I own in some sort of way. i dont eat correctly all the time, i dont exercise to keep the figure i used to have less than two years ago. I started college senior year of high school and somehow still screwed up the process and fell behind over and over again and even got screwed by the education system and now have tons of debt which im barely getting out of because of my amazing mom who is also the most toxic person in my life. Man........i know I look bad i know i suck.....im not perfect in any way.....I lost my way..........I know my way back and what I gotta do but........that time ill never get back. Ive never had a stable job in my life for god sake. Ugh I hope I dont come off as a failure I feel it completely but I dont want to be one. I have done so much in my life and met amazing people that honestly makes it all worth something but damn my heart........I don’t want to blame anyone but myself. My parents werent the best educated and still scares me to think I was so alone when I was younger that even my parents only talked to me to put me down and still kinda do but now we can carry a conversation and bond a smidge...im 25......

This quickly turned into something more than just a update I got caught up. But I want to take this extra step in my life to document on here most of my thoughts and things as I used to back before high school culture was no more for me. To Christina.....if you read this at all...just know the only thing over the past couple years on my mind has been you if not my purpose in this life..my life....has been nothing short of terrible since we last talked and yeah I had a ton of good luck too and am blessed to say the least but the man I said I wanted to become just hasnt happened yet. I let myself go for a bit...but now I want to show the world and you...that the past couple years didnt just happen for nothing....there is so much, so fucking much I got planned and been planning for that I just hope you see why it took so long. My time will come..and maybe one day we can talk and laugh about all this because you were one of the most memorable people ever to cross paths with and even though we barely text each other anymore I hope one day we can be good friends again. Im sure we all been so busy surviving. 

To those who got this far I really didnt expect anyone to finish this. It was a huge ramble. But I hope you can see I came a bit moody into the post but also with hope and excitement that Tumblr will be my home again for getting away from social media. Its been almost two years since I posted on Facebook and I dont use instagram as much anymore so ill be on here :D message me if anyone wants to be friends or anyone who may relate heck anyone who thinks they wanna be friends haha penpals that maybe have art side to them too??? hahah okay thats all bye everyone <3

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

[wannasoftimagine]

imagine park woojin as your classmate

project partners to dating partners :’)

(( AS REQUESTED // omg since ure a woojin stan can i get a request where y/n and woojin study in the same course after his wanna one activities (before he debuts in brand new music) and got closer after a project andddd you can write whatever after that LMAO :^) THANK YOU ))

okay so ure a fan of wanna one

who isnt tbh

and lucky u bc it turns out tht ure going to college w the one and only park woojin!!!!!!! (srsly tho what r the chances)

u forgot tht woojins age is kinda similar to urs bc he always acts like a tough guy on stage or a little kid off stage and u forget that hes a student like u

anyways

its a little weird to get used to seeing him in person after all the pictures n videos uve seen of him online

like?? hes a Real Person??? what a wild idea

and even tho ure both in the same college course, u try to keep ur distance

as much as ud like to befriend him, hes still an idol (even tho he hasnt debuted w brand new yet) and its rlly hard for u to start up a conversation w someone famous

also ure lowkey worried tht its going to ruin how much u admire him, and that actually talking to him will destroy how highly u view him

little do u kno hes seen u around campus before n thinks ure pretty cute

;))

okay but anyways

u make sure to stay out of his way bc the last thing u want is to bother him by asking for a signature or picture or smthn

u try and keep a minimum of like 10 yds between u at all times

(bc itd be even more embarrassing if u tripped right in front of him and that was the first thing he noticed abt u)

but lucky for u, life doesnt care what u have planned

bc its only a month into the semester and u already have a huge project assigned

of course, it’s a partner project

it might be okay if u were able to choose ur partners, but ur teacher insisted on trying to help everyone “bond w their classmates” so its all completely random

unfortunately for u, u get sick the day that ur teacher assigns partners

so u have no idea who ure paired up with

ure stuck asking some of ur classmates, but none of them rlly remember

everyone was a bit busy stressing out over their own partners tbh

and u keep asking around a bit, but u only know so many ppl in the class so eventually u kinda give up and hope ur partner isnt too bad

u settle on focusing on ur other classes, studying for future exams and reviewing ur notes in the library

even tho ure not sick anymore, u still feel a bit drowsy from all of the different medications u took and all of the work u were trying to catch up on

so. all excuses aside u fall asleep

prob not the best plan esp since some of ur things are balancing on the edge of ur desk

but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it rlly wants to sleep

ure having a rlly weird dream abt pirate monkeys when ure jolted awake by someone bumping into ur side

u look up to see someone sprinting away from u and like okay. thts a little weird

u try not to think abt it too much bc ure still kinda sleepy

so u settle on gathering ur things so u can head back to ur dorm and decide whether or not u want to study, sleep more, or find something to eat

as u collect everything, u notice a little post it note that hadnt been there before

in messy handwriting, it says “i didnt want to wake u but im ur partner for the partner project. im woojin and u can text me at [xxx-xxx-xxxx] whenever u want to meet up i hope u sleep well”

u realize that ur partner is prob the one u saw sprinting away from u earlier after he accidentally bumped into u lol

somehow u momentarily forget that ur partner is THE park woojin and ure like aw cool this woojin guy seems nice

then ure like WAIT A SECOND

ure highkey in shock and keep pinching urself to make sure its real

so u end up taking the rest of ur stuff back to ur room and wondering how u should text him

eventually u decide on a simple greeting and ur name, and u ask him when hes free

u have to send the text and then throw ur phone onto the floor bc U JUST TEXTED PARK WOOJIN ABT MEETING IN PERSON. GOD BLESS

ure suddenly super grateful abt every decision tht led u to this moment

anyways

ur phone buzzes on the floor so u scramble to pick it up

only to realize tht its a text from ur mom asking how ure doing

u text her back and tell her not to worry, then attempt to clean ur room a little instead of waiting for woojin to text u back

u just finish reorganizing ur closet when he texts u

its a quick text, smthn along the lines of “im free tmrw afternoon, do u want to meet by the cafeteria” so u agree quickly and hope u dont seem too desperate

and u KNOW its not a date

u guys havent even spoken to each other before so???

but ure still rlly nervous bc its WOOJIN and u want to impress him, even if ure just going to spend most of ur time talking abt boring coursework

u both settle on a time to meet and u pretend not to freak out

anyways skip to the next afternoon

u get there a bit early but ?? hes there already ??? ldsjks

and he looks Really Cute like hes wearing a sweater and ripped jeans and looking like complete boyfriend material wow ure p sure u can feel ur heart stop in ur chest

hes a bit awkward but uve heard abt how shy he is so u try not to take it personally

as soon as he sees u he blurts out tht u look nice and that is not helping the way tht this feels like a date

u guys end up moving to a bench in the shade bc its rlly nice out and this way ure able to talk freely without worrying abt being too loud

he explains the project a little, and u guys go back and forth offering up ideas

he always nods super enthusiastically whenever u suggest smthn and its honestly the cutest thing uve ever seen

its so weird for u to remember that this is the same guy uve seen videos of online bc what the heck

anyways

neither of u are extreme geniuses in the class, but ure both still pretty smart

ure pleased to find tht u guys complement each other well, w different areas of interest inside the same field

it helps ur project run a lot smoother than u thought it would, so u guys split up the work and agree to do as much as u can before u meet up again

ur conversations are still a bit stilted bc ure both still shy w each other, but overall u seem to get along well so ure happy

u text each other every once in awhile to talk abt the project or ask questions

u meet up a few more times in the next couple weeks but its all work and no business

still, over time u find urselves joking around with each other a little more, teasing each other and talking abt urselves instead of the project

of course, all things must come to an end

so all too soon, the day u submit the final project arrives

and ure a little worried tht woojin is going to disappear from ur life again

bc maybe he’s only been this nice to u bc hes just a sweet guy, but as soon as the project ends he wont care abt talking to u anymore

after all, its not like u guys meet up for meals or to hang out that often - even when ure just relaxing w each other, theres always some part of ur convo tht centers around the class

so as ure freaking out over this

he texts u asking if u want to come over to his dorm while he submits it

and mb u guys can just hang out afterwards?

obviously u agree and u cant stop smiling

when u show up at his dorm, hes wearing sweatpants and a tshirt and he looks adorable as heck when he invites u in

u guys sit on his bed as he loads all the stuff on his laptop and u try not to be hyperaware of the space between u two

woojins also screaming internally but somehow u dont notice the way he keeps staring at u out of the corner of his eye

u click the “submit” button together and HIS HANDS ARE SO GENTLE also theyre shaking a little???? huh

u assume its just bc hes Extra Nervous for the project but honestly? no hes just never been this close to u and hes freaking out

but anyways

u decide to go out to eat off campus afterwards to celebrate being done

a lot of the places have long waits or are too expensive so u just eat at a chikfila

its rlly casual but its fun and u guys argue abt whether chicken nuggets or chicken sandwiches r better and u cant help but think abt how much fun ure having w hiim

u end up blurting it out to him on accident and ure v v embarrassed

but he laughs and admits tht he rlly likes spending time w u too

so u promise each other to keep hanging out afterwards

it gets to the point where weeks later, ure still texting each other to complain abt classes or ask abt the other persons day

it still feels like a dream tbh

but u guys enjoy each others company whenever u can

most of the time u end up meeting each other at the cafeteria or studying together in the library, but u both just rlly like spending time w the other person

this routine continues for awhile and its prob the best part of ur life

but at one point ure trying to sneak up on woojin and surprise him when u see him talking to himself

as u creep forward, u realize tht hes actually on the phone, and he looks kinda stressed

it feels a bit invasive so ure looking around trying to find a place to go while he finishes up his phone call

but then u hear him say ur name so. consider u INTERESTED

and he keeps getting flustered and shutting down anything tht the other person says which is weird bc hes p shy, but hes never usually tht adamant and blushy abt something

eventually he tucks his phone away and lets out a Huge sigh so ure like,, hey u good

and he laughs it off but u can tell hes a little antsy, so u decide to tell him tht u overheard a little bit of him on the phone, and u ask him what it was about

he literally turns into a tomato its so funny u wish u had recorded it

but hes like “HOW MUCH DID U HEAR”

even tho u tell him u didnt hear much, he refuses to believe u and he spends the next few minutes pouting

u keep trying to get him to talk to u normally, but he refuses

finally he ends up grumbling smthn and ure like ???

and after a few half hearted efforts to repeat himself hes like “just tell me u dont like me back”

and. WHAT.

he pouts again and its so sos sosososoos o so cute u think ure going to combust honestly

“i kno u heard me tell him tht i like u!!!! just tell me u dont feel the same and leave me alone to cry”

and u have to reassure him tht u definitely didnt hear that BUT ALSO what???

n hes literally mortified when he realizes ure serious

but he has this rlly cute determined expression like “ok well now u kno i like u!!!!! y/n, please go out w me???”

n its like OF COURSE and u tell him tht u like him too and he keeps smiling and acting shy

honestly u both just make each other super happy

when u start dating, its not too diff from when u were friends, except now ure more affectionate w each other

both physically and with ur words

he loves hyping u up, and u feel the same

esp when he starts practicing more to debut w the rest of the bnm boys

u support the heck out of each other and can always count on the other person to be there for u when u need it the most

honestly its super soft and ure totally proud to be a lowkey campus couple even tho u have to keep ur relationship on the down low bc of dispatch

still u both care for each other a lot and u wouldnt trade what u have for the world

[anonymousanonymousalchemist]

im putting this here bc otherwise i will forget it cause i have a habit of ignoring past events, and because in a weird psychological trick, it helps me to pretend to have an audience rather than writing this in like, a diary. go figure. and i thinkkkk documenting things before i forget them is a good idea so i have ref to refer back to. for like, baseline stuff. 

idk man i think the thing is over the past couple of months ive been having the longest, slowest mental breakdown in the history of the world (or maybe i just feel like this and im actually fine and neurotypical and good) but i think either way its kind of a moot point because over the past few months it got to the point where my emotions were actually beginning to interfere with my real daily life, which was, you know not great, especially since they generally had no correlation to the actual reality of situations, and i spent like, two months wanting 2 die and generally basically spraying suicidal ideation all over the place, and then one day woke up and realized that i didnt really want to die anymore which was, cool, good, okay what the fuck was up with the last few months, that was relatively horrific in retrospect. and then i realized that no you dumbass, this happens EVERY couple of months, there hasnt been a semester since like, sophomore year that you spent NOT jackin the suicidal ideation boner for at least a month and then you totally forget about it after its over. this time was just worse than usual and harder to ignore and honestly i still dont feel great but at least i feel SLIGHTLY better, like fuck.  

other fun things: 

- now i apparently lose my fucking mind after taking a test! im fine during the test, but after the test its like “jesus fuck lets just go APESHIT AND LEAVE” 

- disassoication! that happened to me liiiike three times this semester! never too bad but not like, fun. 

- the mindset “it doesnt matter if im happy as long as i get my work done” is actually! in retrospect! not great! im fucking miserable all the time and would like not to be! and now that i know that im unhappy i cant stop thinking about it, ugh. 

- now i have FEELINGS again like some sort of twelve year old. its objectively bad! i miss being emotionally vacant so much. 

- it used to not matter to me whether i was content/happy too much and now it does. so THATS a problem. 

- i dont know what makes me happy outside of media. and i should probably figure that out. 

- crowds make me check the fuck out now. i mean this always happened but its happening more and in situations where there arent even that many people 

- sometimes my chest gets really tight. that sucks ass. 

- i have a whole fucking lot of trouble making incredibly meaningless decisions, like what to order from a menu or where to eat. its actually really stupid but this is objectively making life slightly more difficult than it needs to be. like, more trouble than i used to! 

- i think the problem is that i mostly dealt with life by pretending nothing in it mattered and this was the equivalent of a video game but over the past year ive been kind of pushed to start caring about things or at least admitting that i care about them and people, and thats a really big shift in mindset which is fucking with me in an incredibly large sort of way. 

anyway i guess theres the thing about you have to allow yourself to change and become different people but most of this is just really annoying to deal with and im pretty sure im gonna have to see someone eventually about this. bluh. 

[chenziee]

Do you have scars?

[AO3]

Words: 3678 Pairing: Ereri Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Mentions of Anxiety, Levi's endless patience, Established Relationship, implied dangerous lab habits, Fluff, really, the whole thing is just one big ball of mush, Mina is the best character to use as you need, and i'm sorry about that 

Summary: Eren's exhausted at the beginning of the new semester. Levi isn't willing to give up his date. Compromises must be made.

There were only a few minutes of Eren’s last lecture of the day left and since Levi was planning take him out on a date after the hectic week, Levi headed for the parking lot to wait for his boyfriend. He settled ­on the hood of Eren’s car, laying his bag next to him, and pulled out his phone just as it vibrated with an incoming text. Levi clicked his tongue, swiping at the screen to read the message from Hanji.

>> hows life with new roommate?

Levi rolled his eyes and went to reply but apparently, Hanji wasn’t done as the device vibrated again. And again.

>> i bet you dont even miss me :( >> judging by how you never talk to me anymore :‘((( >> and by how dutifully you go wait for him as soon as you get out early for once ;);););););)

Levi blinked at the barrage of texts, frowning at the last one in particular. His eyes rose up to glower towards one of the windows on the second floor of the science building, which was oh-so-conveniently adjacent to the campus’ parking lot. And of course, as expected, there Hanji was, hanging from the window of her shared office, the hand holding her phone laxly waving at him as she grinned stupidly, dressed in her dirty lab coat and with protective glasses perched on her head, making her hair stick out in all directions.

Levi’s frown deepened before glaring back at his phone to fire a reply.

<< If you drop your goddamn phone, I’m not lending you money for a new one. What are you even doing in the office dressed like that; shouldn’t you be in the lab or some shit? << And yes, I don’t miss having to drag you to the shower so you actually wash. << And stop spying on people.

The distinct, if muffled by the distance, sound of her laughter carried over to his ears as she read each text and Levi, despite his better judgement, felt the corners of his moth twitch in amusement. It had only been a week since she moved out so Eren could move in in her place, but he had missed her. She was his best friend, as astonishing as that was to everyone. Levi himself especially.

He jumped as the vibrations started again, jolting him from his reverie.

>> dwdw im not erwin ;)

Levi smirked at the reminder of how Erwin, graceful, confident Ewin, dropped and broke his phones on a regular basis. It became a running joke in their friend group; they even got him an old Nokia 3310 for his birthday one year. To say Erwin wasn’t exactly amused would be understating “the displeasure he felt over such a treatment from his closest friends.” And to say said friends were stricken by shame afterwards would be a blatant lie. They laughed about it - and at Erwin’s face every time they did - even now, several years later.

>> im going back down in a few. Just giving the great gods of chemistry the time to work their magic :-* >> meanie :((( >> im not spying you just happened to walk into my field of vision :P

<< I’ll remind you of that once you drop it. << Right. Just don’t burn down the building. And I’m not mean, just feeling sympathetic towards Moblit. << Tell that to the freshman from last week.

Levi’s lips stretched wider and wider as he typed, looking up with each message to see Hanji’s expressions. From his distance, it wasn’t as clear as he’d like, but still he could make out the exaggerated frown on her face. Suddenly, her head shot up to send a glare at him, sticking out her tongue in the process, only succeeding in making Levi smirk in victory, before she started typing furiously again.

>> i swear you forget to shut off the burner ONE TIME... >:( >> ill let you know that moblit hasnt had a single complaint since i moved in -__- >> their own fault. they shouldn’t be making out in the lot :P

<< You left some sodium right next to it, if Armin is to believe. And he is. << That’s because he has the spine of a sine function. And you haven’t started stinking the place up yet.

>> hey at least i hadnt dropped it into the sink? :D :D :D >> excuse you mr clean freak???????? >:((( >> math nerd!!!!!! >> ammonia man!!!

Levi couldn’t stop the chuckle from escaping him. He went to type reply before Hanji could come up with more ridiculous insults just as the first students entering the parking lot caught his eye.

<< If there’s anyone smelling of rotten eggs, that you’d be you, shitty four eyes. << Anyway, gotta go. Eren will be here soon.

>> i was thinking more along the lines of chemical burns and destroying your mucous membrane o.O but disgusting smell works too i guess? :D :D >> k. say hi to my replacement for me :’( :D

Levi slowly looked up at her with a straight face, making sure to roll his eyes extra hard so she’d be able to see it. (He doubted she could, but he was sure she got the message anyway. At least her laughter said so.)

He watched, unimpressed, as Hanji abruptly stopped shaking with amusement and instead started fumbling to save her phone from the unfortunate fate Levi foretold it, when his ears perked up at the sound of Eren’s voice. It was faint, he couldn’t make out the words, only the light tone it carried, but he could pick it up anyway. And it filled him with equal parts warmth and dread. How scary was it that he could tell his voice apart from the maybe twenty, thirty others in the open space of the parking lot, from a distance in which all the noise just blended into one giant pain in the ass? Very scary.

Levi shook his head to chase the thoughts away. It shouldn’t be scary. It shouldn’t be but it was. And Levi was big, bad, scary man, who (accidentally) left children crying and lesser adults cowering in his wake. He shouldn’t be letting himself be turned into a trembling teenager experiencing his first love. Especially after literal years he’d been with the guy.

His hand twitched with the urge to slap himself and Levi had to stop himself from following up on it. Instead, he took a deep breath and ran his eyes over the small crowd to locate his boyfriend, which he succeeded at fast, the boy being taller than most. He was smiling and Levi’s own lips stretched a little as well at the sight. Fucking ray of sunshine that smile was. He was pretty sure if Hanji were next to him, she’d be making fun of his ‘love-struck puppy eyes’ as she liked to call it. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised to find a text saying something about that later. Yet, in that moment, Levi couldn’t even bring himself to care.

Next to Eren was walking a small, reasonably cute girl, who was looking up at him with almost equally adoring expression as Levi was, blinking at him prettily and leaning too close to be considered friendly.

Noticing this for the first time while looking for the reason for Eren’s amusement, Levi felt torn between pride and the need to stake claim. Staying true to his nature, however, he stayed put, only watching carefully with a neutral expression while imagining what he would do if he were to do it. Pushing Eren against the car and flipping the girl and everyone else watching off being the most reasonable of his fantasies.

Levi watched calmly as the two came closer and closer, the girl lightly touching Eren’s arm. Levi’s eyes narrowed, glaring at her. As if sensing his menacing stare, she turned her head slightly, her eyes meeting Levi’s darkened ones, and suddenly she stopped in her tracks, as if burned. At the same time, Levi realized he knew the girl. She was one of his own students in the elective course he’d started teaching this semester as a part of his doctorate. ‘Well,’ he thought, ‘this will be interesting.’

Eren, noticing his companion wasn’t next to him, stopped as well, questioning, “What’s wrong?”

She looked at him blankly, before opening her mouth and immediately, Levi was glad they were already within earshot – if he strained his ears. “Eren, did you... do something?”

Eren blinked, a confused expression adorning his face and Levi had to bite his bottom lip not to laugh.

Seeing Eren was not comprehending, she gestured carefully in Levi’s general direction. Eren turned to look and Levi was graced with being able to watch his expression change with surprise and then melt into a soft, happy smile before a chuckle escaped him.

“Oh, that’s Levi. You know, the guy I said I just moved in with?” He shook his head and started walking again, nodding for her to follow.

She did a few hurried steps to catch up, lowering her voice significantly, obviously, trying to prevent Levi from hearing her. “Oh. I.. He teaches one of my electives; he’s scary, I thought... I don’t know...”

Now Eren laughed fully, smiling at Levi as he replied, “He is scary, isn’t he?”

Levi scowled at him as Eren winked in response. Levi felt a sudden urge to throw something at his boyfriend. Unfortunately, the only things at hand were either his phone or his books, neither of which he was willing to throw in fear of hurting either the thing or Eren. Or both.

“Yeah.” The girl (Levi couldn’t remember what her name was, couldn’t remember what the name of a single person he thought was) said in defeat. “Is he really your roommate? Isn’t he older than us?”

Levi almost rolled his eyes as Eren smiled. They were pretty much standing in front of him now and still talking as he wasn’t there. “I’m actually the same age as him. We used to be classmates. Also, not roommate,” he added with amusement as he leaned in to kiss Levi on the lips.

Levi took a great pleasure in giving the girl a challenging look as he returned the kiss gladly, even as he shoved Eren off immediately after. She looked crestfallen, her face turning bright red. Eren didn’t notice, still blissfully oblivious to her flirting. He only continued looking at Levi, questioning, “Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Finished early; thought I’d wait for you.”

“You were just being lazy and thought I could give you ride,” Eren said in a fake, hurt tone.

Levi smirked, teasing back, “Of course. Why else would I be sitting on your dirty ass car for the most dreadful ten minutes of my life?”

Eren scoffed. “Hey, I had the car washed just yesterday.”

Levi reached over to tug Eren closer with a cheeky glint to his eyes. “Only because you knew I’d kick your ass if I saw it filthy.”

Eren looked like he was going to protest but their conversation got interrupted by someone awkwardly clearing their throat. They simultaneously looked back to realize they had completely forgotten they weren’t alone.

Eren’s face turned pink while Levi only raised an eyebrow as the girl shuffled uncomfortably.

“Uhm, right,” Eren mumbled, scratching his head sheepishly. “Mina, this is Levi. Levi, Mina. Shit, you already knew that. Right. Sorry.”

Ah, so her name was Mina. Levi was sure this time he’d remember it for maybe 10 seconds longer.

Eren cleared his throat, shaking the awkward off of himself before he turned back at Levi. “Anyway, I promised Mina a ride. Do you mind if we drop her off?”

Levi glanced at Mina, who now looked positively horrified. “No, it’s okay!” she squeaked hurriedly, shaking her head. “Your... boyfriend...” she still looked like she didn’t really believe it. Levi wasn’t sure whether that was because of the gay thing or the teacher thing but he felt like that didn’t really matter. He was immensely enjoying making her uncomfortable either way. “Levi is here and I don’t want to intrude.”

Eren frowned. “No, I promised. It’s really okay, it’s not like you live that far.”

“But-“

Levi rolled his eyes, saying in a tone that refused arguments, “Get inside, brat.”

Eren looked at Mina who was left gaping and shrugged, “You heard the nice man.” Levi slapped his hip and Eren laughed, finally fishing out his keys to unlock his car. But Levi frowned slightly at the sound of his giggle. It didn’t sound right. He couldn’t put his finger on it; it just didn’t sound so... carefree as it usually did. Strained. He tried to shake the feeling off but before Eren left his side to walk to the driver’s side of the car, he briefly squeezed his knee, almost desperately, and Levi’s stomach sank.

Eren, as if nothing happened, turned towards Mina, telling her to sit wherever. She still hesitated, glancing carefully at Levi, but after the man glared at her she finally moved, probably scared of what he’d do to her if she didn’t comply, and she all but jumped inside the car, settling in the seat behind the driver.

Levi shot Eren one last look, meeting his gaze briefly as Eren looked at him questioningly, silently asking what was wrong. ‘You tell me,’ Levi thought. Knew better than to question him now, however, so he took a deep breath and slid off the hood, walking to the passenger’s side. “By the way, Hanji says hi,” he mentioned conversationally instead.

Eren paused in opening his door as his eyebrows shot up. “You saw her? She wasn’t in the lab for once? Every time I go see her, she’s not in the office.”

“I wouldn’t say I saw her but...” Levi trailed off, nodding towards the upper floors of the neighboring building before sliding into the passenger seat.

Eren looked up to where he knew Hanji’s group’s window was, squinting at the curtains someone was obviously using to hide behind. He shook his head, finally getting in himself. “Doesn’t she realize we can totally see her?” Eren wondered out loud, cocking his head to the side and Levi chuckled.

“Honestly, sometimes I really can’t tell what she does and doesn’t realize.”

Eren just hummed and turned the key in the ignition, rolling out of the parking spot.

The drive to Mina’s place was silent save for her timid instructions and Eren’s affirmatives. Levi took the time to observe the other man, but really, it scared him how much he didn’t even have to try to see it. Eren’s driving was erratic, like he was struggling to stay focused. A far cry from his normal calm and relaxed style. He was going too fast before he caught himself speeding, his grip on the steering wheel was too much, making him take the turns sharper than needed be. He had trouble changing gears once or twice, not pushing the stick shift far enough. It was obvious the people in the car with him were the only thing keeping the cries of frustration in. Every movement he made sent a sharp pain through Levi’s gut.

He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t say anything with the girl still there. So he did the only thing he could in that situation, even if he hated it. He waited. Levi closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, starting to gnaw on his lower lip. He could only hope Eren wouldn’t kill them in this state before they got to be alone.

Mina’s “That’s my house; you can drop me off here” could not have come sooner in Levi’s opinion. He turned back to look at the girl as Eren pulled over but really, it was just so he could watch Eren. As soon as the car was in park, Eren closed his eyes for a moment, and to Levi it looked like he was praying. Maybe he was.

When he opened his eyes again, it was to give Mina a winning smile as she thanked them for the ride. Levi wanted to cringe at how fake it looked but Mina apparently didn’t notice, judging by how she smiled in return. Then again, Eren was an excellent actor and even Levi needed to be slapped in the face with reality before he started seeing the cracks more clearly.

As soon as goodbyes were said and Mina turned away, Levi carefully put a comforting hand on Eren’s thigh. “Do you want me to drive?”

He could feel Eren tense up and the sound of the engine rang loudly in silence of the car. Levi could see the inner battle raging inside the other as neither of them moved. Finally, Eren gulped before opening his mouth to utter a single word, so quietly Levi almost didn’t hear. “Please.”

Levi squeezed his thigh in reassurance. “Of course.” When Eren didn’t make any move to get out of the car, Levi continued softly. “We can switch now?”

At that Eren resolutely shook his head and immediately pulled away from the drive way of Mina’s house. Levi frowned in confusion and Eren gulped again before elaborating, “Not here. Mina would see.”

Levi blinked. He didn’t see Eren’s point. So what if she sees? There’s a million explanations why they might want to switch. Wisely, Levi didn’t voice his opinion. He had long since learned not to question Eren’s many irrational fears and now mostly let his boyfriend to lead the way, going with what he was comfortable with and just continued throwing assurances and compliments at him. Nothing good ever came from trying to reason with him over what people might or might not think if he, for example, went alone to eat somewhere. Only screams and tears and accusations of ‘you don’t understand what it’s like to live like this!’ Four attempts were more than enough for Levi to understand he should never oppose or question Eren and his wild fantasies.

Eren turned the corner and after confirming there was nobody walking down the street, he stopped again and jerkily got out. Levi followed, circling the car at a slower pace than Eren was. As they passed each other, he tried to grab Eren’s hand briefly but as soon as he made contact, Eren’s whole boy pulled away from him. Levi wasn’t even surprised. It was just sad resignation weighing down on him.

As soon as he was sitting again in the passenger seat Eren kicked off his shoes and pulled them up against his chest. Levi shot him a concerned look before putting the car in gear again, taking off. He only spoke up once they were back on the main street. “Did something happen? Or are you just tired?” he asked carefully, choosing his words to sound as not accusing as he could go while still getting to the point.

He heard Eren sigh sharply, as if he was about to snap back at him, but then he paused and suddenly Levi watched the tension leave his body as Eren sagged in his seat, his head dropping against his knees. It took him a while to gather enough strength to mumble an answer, “Just tired. Exhausted. I don’t know why, it’s not like they want too much from us yet.”

Levi shook his head, stopping at a red light. “It’s normal. School just started, it will take a while to get back into the rhythm of things,” he said, looking at Eren with a sure look in his eyes.

Eren sighed closing his eyes. “I know. But it seems like it’s never been this bad before.”

“Well,” Levi started, not sure if his next words were a good idea just as the light turned green again. “You didn’t go to therapy every week before. That’s fucking exhausting even without school.”

Eren made a face but didn’t comment, instead looking out of the window. Levi took it as a small victory and let out a quiet sigh of relief.

They were silent for a bit before Eren spoke up, changing the subject. “Where are we going anyway?”

Levi shrugged as he answered, “I actually wanted to take you out on a date.”

Eren looked back at him, a hesitant look in his eyes, biting on his lower lip. Obviously he wasn’t in the mood for anything but sitting back and ignoring the world. “Where?” he asked instead of outright saying no and Levi was glad for it. He smiled, blindly reaching out to touch Eren in reassurance.

“I was planning dinner, but seeing you now, I’m thinking more a dumb movie and a drive. What do you say?”

From the corner of his eye he could see the warm smile that spread on Eren’s lips and in turn, warmth spread through Levi’s chest at the knowledge he’d made that smile appear there.

“I fucking love you,” Eren said with certainty, not a hint of hesitation in either his voice or his expression. “Do we have a blanket, and can we stop by Starbucks?”

“Love you, too, Sunshine.” Levi said, in return, smiling. Then he cocked his head to the side in thought. “Not sure about the blanket but if there isn’t one in the trunk, it’s not like we can’t buy one. And when have I ever said no to Starbucks?”

“Well, last winter you threatened to burn the mall down if we went inside,” Eren reminded with a raised eyebrow.

Levi rolled his eyes in response. “That was because that would be the fourth time that day and there’s only so much gingerbread I can take before I’m sick of it.”

“Nobody said you had to get a gingerbread latte again.”

“You do not go into a Starbucks in the middle of winter and not get a gingerbread latte. Besides, even if I didn’t, you and Hanji would get it and then the smell would be all around me anyway.”

Eren laughed, leaning over to press a kiss to Levi’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Levi smiled, happy Eren was feeling better. “You’re welcome, brat.”

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[iamthekarmapolice]

love when i feel like things are under control but then i slightly think about how if i fail any of my classes this semester, i wont graduate and then i get a panic attack so intense i feel like im actually dying

 i dread going to sleep at night because of the sleep paralysis incident. i think i hate going to sleep in that bed ever since i got the call early in the morning about my grandfather. i get maybe one good nights sleep a week. even if im having a good night and im not Anxious, i have to get up early because theres work to do. i had a few good nights’ sleep this week because i got my period and that always makes me feel exhausted like nothing else can

ive been talking to my parents about this since its been like 3 weeks since this has happened but today i could feel my mom losing patience with me, like shes annoyed that this hasnt sorted itself out already. she was super understanding all this time, but today she basically gave me the ‘have you tried not feeling anxious?’ suggestion and yeah it didnt help

the thing is i know that the things im getting anxious about are either irrational or things that are going to happen further down the road that i cant do anything about (like a project in a programming language that im not familiar with and currently dont have the time to prep for). ive been studying really really hard for the midterm on wednesday because I need to get a B in this class to graduate. in my good moments i feel like thats possible, like if i work hard i could get an A. when it’s bad i feel like i’m never going to leave Buffalo and it makes me sick to my stomach.

i really want to use the student mental health services, but its like the university intentionally makes it harder to access. you have to make appointments by phone, and you have to call early since appointments are first-come first-serve and you don’t have a lot of choice when it comes to timeslots and you cant make appointments for future days and to top it all of, the office isnt on the main campus but in the dorms which are an actual fucking labyrinth and would take me a good hour to find. its exhausting and feels prohibitive just thinking about it

my tickets home are booked and whatever happens im going to be out of here in 59 days for the winter break so there is a definite end in sight. and i know that however this semester ends im going to feel infinitely better with it in the past. its going to be a rocky stressful 59 days and todays panic attack certainly isnt going to be the last but i hope all the work im doing proves my fears to be unfounded.

[aquestionmark]

Dissociating 🤡