#it is giving me a very fun new perspective on the later stuff tho

[witchoil]

it is genuinely difficult to watch the first season of vikings knowing ivar is coming and i don’t wanna skip ahead

[heyheyloki]

The Thought Of You

Summary: Not remembering the night before, the reader distances himself from Loki.

Loki x M!Reader

It was always one thing. Perhaps it was Tony and Steve arguing, or maybe Thor bothering Loki, and maybe it was you making fun of the spider boy. Whatever it was, it was exciting for others to watch. However, between all the fighting, Loki and you never did. It was odd to everyone else since they had this deep hatred for the God of Mischief. To you, you didn’t care, you enjoyed Loki’s presence and always knew if you needed a break from the others, you’d go to him. He was always there, even if the two of you started out on a bumpy road since he was hesitant of you when you first came around. 

Loki thought you’d be like everyone else, so it wasn’t totally personal. Though, after your many attempts to get to know him, his wall eventually fell around you and then, the bonding started.  Everyone around the two of you thought it was weird, after all, Loki was the man who wanted to take over Earth and sent an army onto New York City. Even with that fact, it never seemed to bother you.

Tony Stark always thought something would happen between the two of you, and Thor was more than supportive is it came to be. Steve had some issues since he was close to you as well and just wanted the best for you, and, well, he just didn’t think that ‘best’ was Loki. Nat and Clint seemed indifferent, but were happy with anything you decided. Banner, on the other hand, flipped from Tony and Steve’s perspective at times.

You always told them that Loki and you were just friends, but Loki never seemed to comment on it. In the back of your mind, you knew the god had looks but you cherished the relationship between you and him now. You didn’t need to progress it further since you were quite comfortable where it was. Though, perhaps that was about to change.

After a late night of drinking and dancing courtesy of Tony Stark, you were out for the count. By the time your hung over eyes had opened, you noticed it was almost noon. A groggy groan escaped your chest as you sat up from your rather large bed, again, courtesy of Tony Stark. Your body didn’t even take up half of it, and speaking of your body, when you gazed down at it you noticed your fluffy, grey night robe.

You didn’t exactly remember putting it on, but you didn’t care much. At least, you didn’t care then. When your ears started to work once more, you couldn’t help but notice the sound of your shower running. It was connected to your room and when you gazed towards the door that was shut, the light underneath was shining through.

“What did I drink last night?” You mumbled to yourself as you collapsed back into the bed, your body bouncing a bit.

As your mind tried to figure out what had happened the night before, you heard the shower faucet squeeze close and the water stop it’s pattering. You didn’t bother to look, not that you weren’t curious who you probably slept with last night, but you just didn’t care. It wasn’t common for you to have one-night stands but it wasn’t something you didn’t participate in from time to time.

You could hear the person turn the doorknob before it creaked open, their bare feet stepping across your hardwood tile getting louder as they stepped closer.

“Are you up yet, [Name]?” The stranger asked. Though, that voice wasn’t a stranger to your mind.

Your eyes fluttered open to get a look at a man half naked in your room, the towel around his waist poorly done as if he’d never done it before. The long, black hair he had was wet and textured with like curls. His body had little muscle but his thin figure made up for it, the muscle he did have off subtle lines about his body that was beyond a godly sight.

“Uh, Loki?” You mumbled out, his eyes looking at you as if waiting for you to continue moving your lips.

Though, when you didn’t, he answered with a confused, “Uh, that is my name.”

“Right, right.” You uttered, his words snapping you out of your mind. Without even a second thought, you hopped out of your bed. You quickly tied up your night robe since you didn’t seem to be wearing anything underneath except for a pair of boxers. “I’m, uh, gonna go talk to Tony.”

“Stark?” Loki questioned. “Why?”

“Oh, yanno, Avenger stuff.” You chuckled out as you slowly began to inch for the exit.

“I can occupy you, if you wish.”

“No!” You screamed. Your voice startling both you and him. You cleared your throat to quickly say, “I think he wants to do a few tests on me. You know how those are, very private. I’ll see you later, ya? Okay, bye!”

Your hand reached around for the door handle and slipped yourself into the hallway before slamming the door shut behind you. Your back soon going against it as you took in deep breaths. It could have been anyone else, anyone in the damn place and you would have been fine. But, Loki? Why did it have to be him that your drunken self choose?

“I’m so gonna get shit for this,” You uttered as you began to travel down the hallway towards the main area of the building.

“Morning, [Name].” Nat said as she and Clint sat on the couch watching movies.

You nodded in her direction before shuffling into the kitchen. You needed something cold, or hot. No in between for this one. As you were pouring yourself a cup of coffee, you heard footsteps make way towards you.

“What’s up with you?” You heard. Your eyes gazing over at Nat who stared at you with crossed arms.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” she started out saying. Her body slowly making way towards yours. “Normally, every morning, you say good morning back. You never give a simple nod. So, what’s wrong with you?”

Your eyes blinked rapidly for a moment before letting out a sigh. You knew there was no way for you to get out of this one, but than again you didn’t want her to spill anything to Steve, Banner, or Clint. So, you gave a half lie.

“Just not to happy with who I found in my bed this morning.” You laughed off. “Nothing to worry about.”

Nat stared, her eyes moving up and down before giving a simple, “Okay. Just make sure whoever the mystery man is is out before Tony comes back.”

“He’s not here?”

“Nope. He went out for a bit, but he’ll be back soon.” Nat explained.

You nodded before grabbing your coffee and heading out. You weren’t sure where to go. You wanted to go back in your room, but you didn’t know if Loki was still there. You wanted to go sit in the living room, but you didn’t want questions from the others. So, you choose the next best thing. Wonder about the halls. It wasn’t as bad as you thought, in fact, it was quite therapeutic when gazing out at the birds that flew about. You seriously thought you’d get a break, well, that was until you felt a tap on your shoulder. 

You turned around, the soft smile on your lips dropping, your body grew hot at the God of Mischief that stared back.

“Are you alright?” Loki questioned. “You seem.. off.”

“Wha, um, what?” You asked, your throat going dry as your mind thought about what could have transpired the night before. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Loki tilted his head as he eyed you up and down. You noticed every single, tiny detail about him to the point were you noticed the small flicker of his eyes, the tiny redness of the tips of ears. Not to mention the explosive feeling when his hand came to rest on your lower back way too casually.

You quickly grabbed his wrist, your grip tight but not tight enough for Loki to notice a difference. “What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” He questioned. For he first time since you’ve met him, he sounded completely innocent. “Would you like me to take you back your quarters? You look rather flushed, are you sick?”

“N-No, I’m not sick.” You stuttered out as you pushed his hand off of your body. The lingering effects causing your mind to turn foggy, it was the first time in a while that you felt such an effect from a simple touch of another. “I’ll go to my room by myself.”

“I don’t mind the trouble, really, allow me to occupy you.” Loki stated. His body ready to move right along side yours.

“No, seriously.” You stated as your hand came straight flush against his chest. The moment it hit, your words ceased to exist. It felt odd, to fell his heartbeat. You never thought in your lifetime would you be able to feel it, much less this clearly. Though, something was off with it cause you swore for a single second that you felt it skip a beat.

“I, um,” you hummed out as you placed your hand back at your side. “I’ll go by myself.”

When you turned away from the God of Mischief, it was like your entire body became cold. The feeling of him slowly slipping away from your presence was almost the worst feeling you’ve ever experienced before. It was like moving away towards the perfect, most handsome looking sun you’ve ever laid your eyes on.

When your back fell into the bed, it was like everything you were feeling hit you at once. All the things you kept towards the back of your mind came to the front, center stage. All these questions entered your mind.

What did you say to Loki while drunk?

You know he isn’t effected by Midgardian liquor, so, he was completely sober. If so, did he take advantage of your drunk state?

Sure, he was Loki and tried to take over Earth at one point. But you wouldn’t call him evil, at worse you’d give him the ‘bad boy’ label.

Did you really sleep with him?

“Shit,” you grumbled to yourself as you began to bite down on your bottom lip. You knew you had some kind of feelings for Loki, and yes you shut them down as quick as they came for obvious reasons, but you didn’t want everything to come undone just from some liquor. If anything, you at least wanted to tell him at the right time when you were sober.

Turning on your side, you pressing your knees into your chest. It really was nagging, this unknown feeling. You knew the only way you were going to get answers was from Loki himself. However, the thought of that was too much. It was like you were ripping off a bandage that you had just placed on. You were frightened that when it came undone, the painful ripping would completely tear away at what relationship was already there.

“Sir,” Jarvis called out. This wasn’t uncommon since Tony had made sure to install Jarvis in every aspect of this place. “Dinner is ready. Everyone is waiting on you.”

“Okay, thank you.” You hummed out as you gathered yourself before heading out once more. Was it too much for you to be left alone today?

When you made your appearance at the large set table, everyone finally began to eat. Steve made it top priority that everyone must be present before eating, for some reason unknown to Tony and you.

You were seated next to Tony and Thor, Loki sat across from you with Natasha and Steve on either side of him. The food that was presented to you was a simple meal. Take-out. You knew everyone had kitchen duty at least once a week, so you began to believe it was Tony’s week thanks to this being the third time take out was for dinner. Though, you were impressed how he managed to make simple take out so impressively set out like it was from a five-star restaurant.

“How was everyone’s morning?” Steve asked politely. This was routine.

“Fine, just woke up with a massive hangover.” Tony said with a funny-looking smirk that made most of the people sitting around him laugh in amusement.

“Same.” Natasha said. “Remind me never to drink at your parties.”

“Eh, it was still fun. Even if I don’t remember most of it.” You commented. Your eyes going off on their own for a moment before connecting with Loki. Except, his eyes were already on you. With no expression on his face and this certain look in his eyes while staring, it made you zip your mouth quickly. Your eyes darting back down towards your food.

Loki raised a brow quizzically before his attention was brought back to Natasha when she asked you, “Did you manage to get the mystery man out of your bed?”

“What?” You flinched, your hand even lost hold of the fork. The noise it created as it rang the glass plate caught more attention than Natasha’s comment.

“You okay, [Name]?” Steve asked with a curious look.

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” You questioned back. If they didn’t know you, they’d drop it. However, they did know you.

“Is it someone we know?” Tony asked with a sly smirk. The look he gave made something turn uncomfortably in your stomach. “Or, maybe the same guy from last time?”

“No,” You lied. “He was a stranger.”

“That is quite exciting.” Thor chuckled as he tried to learn more about the human customs of ‘one night stands’. Something he, for some reason, doesn’t know.

“It really isn’t, but thanks.” You reassured.

“I would disagree.” Tony commented. “I think they’re rather.. thrilling.”

You rolled your eyes as you began to eat once more. Your eyes desperate for another peak at the man across from you. In the back of your mind, you told yourself no. It wasn’t worth it. Just ignore him. Though, your body denied itself to listen to your brain and gave into the desire. In that moment, everything froze. For some unknown reason, it was like everyone else in the room disappeared. The only ones left where Loki and yourself. That look in his eyes, the way his hand held up his head. Everything told you this was a dangerous game you were playing.

“[Name]?” Thor asked, his voice pulling you out of the void and back to reality. “Are you going to eat that?”

“What?” You mumbled before gazing down at the food that you haven’t eaten yet. You shook your head before pushing the plate towards the God of Thunder.

“You sure? You didn’t eat much.” Steve asked, his eyes growing to big puppy eyes filled with concern.

“Yeah, I’m not that hungry anyway.” You waved off. Your body soon standing up from your chair as you dismissed yourself from the others.

You didn’t bother to wait around for good nights or goodbyes from the others. Your feet aimlessly moved around until you rounded the corner. The quick footsteps that grew closer to you the furthest thing from your mind. So, when you felt your body get pressed into the wall, you couldn’t help but let out a loud gasp. Your mouth quickly getting covered by a rough, large hand.

Your eyes quickly began to analyze everything in front of you. Your mind processing the face and body that belonged to Loki, the hand that pressed against your mouth his. He eyed you down for what felt like a decade, that was until he broke it to gaze down the hall for any incoming Avengers. When he didn’t see anyone, he slowly released his hand from your face but still kept you pinned to the wall.

“What are you doing?” He asked, his question rough and demanding of answers.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Dont play dumb with me.” He hissed out. “You’ve been avoiding me all day, what is wrong with you?”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Loki huffed, his patience wearing thin. “Then why did you run away this morning? Or when I saw you earlier, and how do you explain not even capable of holding eye contact with me at supper?”

“That was nothing.” You mumbled out, your head turning to the left and down so you didn’t have to look at him. Though, you suppose that was pointless.

His hand was quick to grab onto your chin to make you face him once more. “Don’t look away from me.”

You could feel your body temperature rise, the feeling brutal to the point were you had to bend your leg a bit and tap your fingers just to calm yourself a bit. Everything in your mind ran so quickly that you began to believe you would have a malfunction up there. Though, instead of a malfunction you ended up just blurting out, “Did we sleep together?”

You watched as nothing but pure confusion twisted in Loki’s face. You weren’t positive yet if that was good or bad, but something deep within your stomach told you not to make any false moves. Not to assume anything until you hear his words.

“Would that really be so bad?” He asked, his voice low.

“I don’t mean it like that.” You corrected. “I’m just asking cause I don’t remember anything from last night and when I wake up you were in my shower.”

Loki sighed, his body taking a step back to allow yours to breathe. “No, we didn’t.”

You wanted to desperately to let out a sign of relief. However, you were smart enough to read the look on his face and know this wasn’t the right time for that.

“Then, why were you there?” You asked.

Loki sighed, his eyes making contact with yours before beginning to explain. “I took you back to your room since you were probably more drunk than Stark. I didn’t mean to upset you if I have, I just thought it would be best to keep an eye on you until you fell asleep. I suppose at some point I did as well.”

“So, you took care of me.” You stated as you took an unconscious step closer.

“I suppose so, yes.” He said. “Was that wrong of me to do?”

“No, no.” You ushered out quickly. “That was fine. I’m glad you it was you.”

“You are?” He asked, his eyes staring into yours.

You nodded. Another step closer taken. Both pair of eyes danced with the other as each of you stared at the other. It was this moment of silence that you appreciated the most, cherished the most. It was an intoxicating feeling to sit in silence with Loki, to allow no sound of voice to flow between the both of you. The way your heart beat so intensity, the thoughts that crawled out that always made a shiver go up your spine, well, it was nothing but pure ecstasy.

“Come to my room.” You blurted out, the afterthought not even in question. You meant what you said, and Loki could see that as well by his silence nod and questionless lips.

As the two of your traveled, Loki following behind you in silence, your heart began to pound faster. The wonder of what would come to pass filling in your veins and by the time you came upon your room, you didn’t waste time to lock your door just in case.

“I want you to know something.” You said as you sat down next to Loki on the edge of your bed.

“What is it?” He questioned, his eyes never leaving yours for a second. After all, that would be too long for him.

“I wasn’t in regret or anything, I just wanted to know the truth.” You stated clearly. “If I ever did that with you, I rather remember the time clearly.”

You noticed the adam’s apple in Loki’s throat bob quickly after your words. The way his eyes now going frantic about your body without shame made your hand grip onto your pants. It was a new feeling, but one you enjoyed. Having him look at you felt nothing like anyone else in the past had done, when it was him and only him, you felt like he was looking at the stars.

“Allow me to be frank?” He asked, his question answered with a simple nod.

When Loki leaned in, he stabilized himself by moving one of his hands on top of yours, his fingers snaking in between the spaces in your hand. You felt him grip a bit harder, in a relaxing way before speaking his mind.

“I find myself thinking of you even at the most.. inopportune moments of the day. I feel as if a link exists between your heart and mine and should that link be broken either by distance or by time, my heart would cease to be and I would die.” Loki freely spoke. His voice soft, and low as he spoke so that only you would hear this side of him even if no other soul was nearby to hear. “And you.. you’d soon forget about me.”

You leaned your head, a plethora of emotions washing over you at once. Though, you needed to address this one thing as if life and death hanged in the balance. Your body scooted closer to the God, your hand that connected with his now placed on your lap before saying, “Loki. I’d never forget about you.”

The God let out a dry chuckle. “I acknowledge that. I just suppose that’s my fear speaking.”

“If we’re being so open, I’d like to say something as well.” You said, his eyes looking at you with such patience that you’ve never found before. “You make me feel.. you make me feel vulnerable. Every time your eyes meet mine I can feel you looking at my very soul, and I don’t like it. Do you know?”

“Do I know.. what?”

You smiled softly, your hand squeezing Loki’s as you ask, “Do you know what it’s like around you? It’s like.. It’s like I can’t breathe when you’re around and everything stops. When everything stops, I can only focus on you.”

You’ve never really seen Loki smile, but he had granted you the privilege of seeing a few times. However, you instantly knew this kind of smile, the soft and sweet kind he directed towards you was your favorite yet. Sure, the causally smirk or smile was nice, but this one was for you and you alone.

And you loved it.

[pandemique]

hI!! i love your art and was wondering if you could make a tutorial showing how you paint stuff? only if you can! it's just really pretty !!

hi nonnie! thats very flattering !! i’m sorry i dont think i’ll be very helpful bc i’m a mega noob as well :D but i’ll try my very best <3

my process is very tailored for speed instead of quality (oops soz LOL) so i do suggest this for if u have short doodle breaks ⬇️⬇️⬇️

thumbnailing (for comics) -> lines (sketch who?) -> bucket tool/color drop in the base color -> color in the lines -> one multiply layer for a “base” shadow (in the vid below its purple!) -> one (1) render/paint layer a.k.a lawless no man’s land

full rendering process & more general painting tips below the cut‼️

NOTE: i’ll be focusing more on traditional/fundamental tips for stylized art because i’m sure there’s a much more effective way in digital. I truly do only use one normal layer for render... i think this is bc before i made this blog, my only prior experience in drawing is middle school art class, so all i know is traditional painting on one layer.... pray i can answer this again in the future with something smarter lmao

🌺 MY PAINT PROCESS

1. Choose a color scheme!

It doesn’t have to be set in stone like below, but i at least keep in mind the color range i’d like to use depending on what i want to convey (ex. soft pastels for soft fluff, or warm colors for happy vibes). I try to be as limited as possible for base colors because I tend to go ham when painting, you’ll see later AHAHA

2. Base coloring + Base shadow

Base -> bucket tool in the color scheme (I know other artists are against this but when i discovered the bucket tool in digital art I immediately divorced manual coloring i’m sorry i loved you tho bae) (this is why my style and lines are simplistic as they are, so the color drop works!)

Base shadow -> in theory, warm-colored light creates cool-colored shadows and vice versa. because i’m a fluff addict i mainly use warmer light, so i like using blue/purple as the shadow. generally u can’t go wrong with complementary colors!! (yellow light & purple shadows / orange light & blue shadows).

I make a new multiply layer (decreased opacity just bc i like things soft okay) and clip it on the base layer, then block in the areas i think would get blocked from the light.

3. Color in the lines!

for simplistic styles i swear this works wonders. i just clip a layer to the lineart and manually color the lines with a darker but more saturated version of the base color. it just tends to look more dead i guess with low saturation lol (ex. u can see above i use both peach and red or pink for lines of skin, i guess it implies the blood under the skin too. or something :D)

4. RENDERRRR

when i’m not in a rush i just paint things completely (and mindlessly), but here are the things i almost always do:

line the shadows with a saturated color! i’m not sure this is common but i love it lol, in almost all my doodles just check the shadows—on the edges, there’s bound to be a wild color :D (usually its the light color, shadow color or a color scheme color but sometimes i’m just like boY do i loVe piNk)

my art major friend told me about saturated colors on desaturated bases and my life was changed forever lol. u can see below even when my base is very grayyy, my rendering is very gay :D ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

make the shadows darker where i think they should be darker. usually i can just colorpick from that darker, saturated lineart color!

if it’s a more realistic piece i usually make the highlights lighter, but in simple doodles i find it unnecessary, and i dont like how light/white it looks :( i tend to just make the areas exposed to light more saturated

color in the rebound light~ in reality there’s usually not only one primary light source, at least there’d be secondary light from where light bounces off objects. in art we just emphasize that! so in large shadow areas, or in areas close to other objects/colors, i like to ‘splash’ other colors on

yeah this part is less intuitive for beginners and u have to learn a grasp on the concepts over time, like for lighting and structure. values can be more important than color, so i do suggest learning shading first before coloring, but only if u like (u can always be like me and just pull up references when u dont get how the light would fall on some materials :>). i have more general paint tips below! don’t give up okay, i believe in u nons, we’re all still in the eternal learning process together ( •̀ᄇ• ́)ﻭ✧

5. OOOOHHH SHINY ✨🤩

this step is just me being mesmerized by how easy it is to play with lighting in digital. i play around with the layer settings (multiply for shadow, overlay for light, and often try out the other settings too!). my favorite effect is the highlight glow thing, where u just make a copy layer of the highlights below the original layer, and blur it slightly so it looks like glow ✨✨🤩 overpriced acrylic could never

6. COLOR ADJUST / EDIT

Truthfully i usually skip this step, but my more pro friends really vouch for it!! i think definitely an incredible thing with digital is that u can edit proportions and even color after you’re done. i think they usually use like the curves adjustment layer in photoshop until they get colors they like, but for me, well, in a reaally diligent day i like to slap on the “auto” fliter in the iphone’s photos edit button lmaoooo

🌺 GENERAL PAINTING TIPS

learn basic theory: i think theres free courses everywhere online, but heres a few things u might like to have a basic understanding of: color, perspective, shape language, lighting, composition. don’t sweat it too much tho, it should be fun to explore the concepts!

and for drawing hoomans: proportion, gesture, expression, and veery basic anatomy. i find that overall forms are so much more important to learn than like detailed anatomy bc u can always look it up lol

but remember, u mostly want to learn the rules so u know better ways to break them :)

uuuuse manyyyyy referencessss every time u draww!

^this includes other people’s art — when u see good stuff, figure out why u like it and apply it to ur own art

get feedback!!!!

draw tons!!! brainrot helps !! ;D

aaand thank u for coming to my ted talk! sorry for the ramble nonnie, i hope u got something out of this lol

[a-trying-writer]

rick boston, an old oc of mine that ive been thinking about. related to another oc, xio, but not by blood. also talking about other stuff.

its funny to me how some of my favorite characters tend to be mid-aged men, and i think there might be a psychological thing going on there, daddy issues being the biggest thing. anyway that aside, i got to thinking about him again

rick’s main story is focused on how he works as an individual, guilty with dealing with immoral and unethical experiments on human body. one of the biggest ones is xio, when she was a young child and got caught into a car accident and lost her own father. being a father himself, but divorced because he was forced to choose work over family, seeing xio in critical condition broke his heart. what’s worse was how he was the one chosen to use a highly volatile product to use on her, to see how it would go. either she becomes an abomination, or gets to live a perfectly normal life, with the gift of being able to heal incredibly fast and doesnt have to worry about health, at least physically. mental is a whole different mess.

with all this said, its easy to see that my main inspiration was resi evil, and how they go about things there. but before all this happened, the story, and the characters, took place in a post apocalyptic world, where people have become mutated, rick and xio esp. and there was a third person that was supposed to be more buddy buddy with xio, that turned into max later on in the current version.

i just keep thinking about how much fun rick is to write about, and how i wrote from ricky to r-cter, with how they have somewhat similar themes, but are complete opposites. now, after all my sr--hk focused stories, if i went back to rick, i think i can get his character down better and differently. he will always be a kind, gentle man, but will fight for his life with no hesitation, and deeply cares about xio like his own daughter. he is also a very tired, heavy smoker as he always was, with grey streaks in his brown hair.

he definitely would have a dad bod too. ha~!

but all that aside, for real, i do miss rick. he was a fun character to write, and his familiar relationship with xio always made me smile. xio struggled a lot in her own story, finding a world of magic literally, and fell in love, but lost it, its a whole thing in of itself, and how they still connect despite it all.

and if i were to go back to those stories, ill definitely explore rick, and potentially another character’s, max, for fun. the story will be so bad and so dumb, but i want to have fun writing these stories. i like stupid dumb stories that are just fun to write. thats what creating means to me.

but i will not forget some of my fanfics tho. i got a hh one still as a wip. got the ideas, just need to find the right words. hard to do that without having a, what r-cter would call, sounding board. but i mostly prefer to do it with those that understand my incoherent and dumb thoughts, that im close to, and can give me ideas and a different perspective. eldricth horror is new to me, but honestly, i also really love monsters. they are so cool~!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

B2:S - Chapter 5

Much of this series will be about the differences and additions in the novel version, and how they contribute to my understanding of story canon. But there will be character appreciation, the odd theory and headcanon, and suchlike as well.

Here be lots of Viren deets, Best Boy Soren deets, some writing/continuity stuff, worldbuilding appreciation and half of a theory, Detective Rayla, Moon Temple geeking, Claudium and dark magic, and more!

Spoilers for Book Two: Sky below.

(I know for darn sure that I wrote up a post for chapter 4, but I can't find it anywhere so I guess Tumblr ate it and I'll have to redo it at some point, but today is not that day)

Viren, my evil dude, my bad guy, coming in clutch with the worldbuilding and backstory again! If you want to know decades of information, you gotta talk to Viren. Or read his scenes, at least. Here, he seems to not sleep much when he has a big problem to analyze his way through. Solutions trump pretty much everything else in this guy's life, and he's had a really hard week with a lot of new and complicated problems. Of course he's getting sleep-deprived trying to find his way through them all.

Harrow put so much trust in Viren when he made him High Mage! He just threw himself extra hard at that Lady Justice blindfold, didn't he? Didn't really want to see what Viren was doing in his magic study, so he left Viren to his devices. And Viren has a lot of devices.

Also, this is fascinating: Viren made the secret passage to his "less official study" in Katolis Castle! And he was inspired to do so by the way his own mentor kept the Puzzle House. What else could a Puzzle House be, except a place with secret passages? Yay! secret headcanon that "the Puzzle House" is just "Katolis Castle" from Kid Viren's perspective tho

So either Viren built all of those passageways, or at least the ones to his dungeon. Which means he has to have, or know where to get, a stash of those glowing blue Moonshadow crystals. Hmmm.

I can't wait to learn more about Kpp'Ar and young Viren, btw. From this description of Viren and all his literal secret ways, it feels like another parallel between Viren and Runaan, with the whole "secretive paths, members only, insider knowledge" type stuff. Only the really cool members of this cult club get to know the secrets, and guess what, kid, you're cool now but you can never tell anyone, okay? Our secret.

Yeahhh, that'll never backfire in any way for either of them.

Kpp'Ar calling puzzles and secrets "man-made magic," though. Yes sir, knowledge is indeed power.

This chapter mentions Runaan by name, from Viren's perspective. Generally that would imply that Viren knows his name, even though assassins do not share their names, and Runaan didn't seem to give his to Viren in the first book. However, there was a scene in book one where the last paragraph switched perspective from Viren to Runaan - a technique that's very common in visual media like movies and shows and gives you that "ohoho they left the room and didn't notice this, but you do!" vibe. Using Runaan's name there in book one, where Viren couldn't see it but readers could, helps them keep track of the assassin's story arc while maintaining Viren's racism.

So in book two, in which Runaan has no onscreen scenes (alas), using his name in a scene that calls back to the events in book one helps us remember what happened in that dungeon cell. It would be a bit muddier to recall the specifics if Viren kept thinking about Runaan as "Elf." So I'm cool with the perspective nudge because it serves a narrative purpose: clarity. But I'm also enjoying the angst of considering that, somehow, Viren learned Runaan's name either during or after the coining spell. Mwa ha ha haaa. (Obligatory "Keep my pretty name outta your mouth" goes here)

Okay, back to Viren's scheming! He took the mirror because it was human-sized in a dragon lair. He knew it didn't really fit there, and that made it interesting, so he stole it. But he realized it was really powerful when Runaan wouldn't tell him squat about it - the assassin's instinct to protect Xadian secrets from human hands meant that Viren was holding a very powerful Xadian secret. And that just made him want it all the more. Ah, Runaan, if only your relationship with lying was, like, the exact opposite of what it is. Nyx could've spun Viren a believable tale in 2 minutes flat.

Also of interest: Viren considers his cursed coins to be a final fate. He expects Runaan to remain in his coin forever. With the Chekhov's coins still extant in the storyline, we can assume that they'll come up again eventually, but Viren has no current plans to do anything with his elf money except carry it around.

It's worth noting that Viren admits that he got impatient when he trapped Runaan in the coin. Runaan's first fate in Katolis was supposed to be death at Soren's hands, but Claudia "saved" him from that. His next fate was to become spell components, but Viren's frustration with his stubbornness "saved" him from that fate, too. So now he's in a coin, where no one can chop him up at all. Yay? No, boo!

We get one last line about Runaan before Viren shifts gears: he makes a point of noting for us that Runaan's shackles are still locked shut. However much of Runaan made it into that coin - body, soul, hair care products - he was magicked there, pulled right out of his restraints.

The creepy black liquid that Viren pours right into his eyes is the last of a powerful potion he got from Kpp'Ar, and its recipe is ancient! Humans used it back in the age of Elarion to see through the illusions of the world. And we get a delightfully creepy bit of description about the preparation of this serum, which makes it abundantly clear that it's a Moon magic-based concoction, harvested from eyeless vipers on a moonless night, with the threat of irrevocable madness ("madness" by whose definition, though) if it's done wrong-

Hang on. Hold up. This is a Plato's Cave reference. OH MY GOD.

No no I'm fine, this is brilliant. Sorry, sorry, I couldn't figure why there was so much description for a potion prep that Viren didn't even have to perform himself. But now I get it. I see the light. HA. I should make a separate post for this, it's amazing.

Anyway, for reference, the humans who used this serum were called the Oracles of Ophidia, and Ophidia is a taxonomy group that includes all modern snakes. Can you say "creepy ancient snake rites"? I can! Woo!

Viren activates the serum with a spell, but apparently he's never done it before. He's not sure if it's supposed to be hot and bubbly, and he worries that it's been tainted by moonlight.

Oh, I do hope so.

The magic potion hurts, a lot. Viren will do just about anything, to himself or anyone, to do what he believes is necessary. He just risked madness and blindness to find out what this mirror does! Viren. Can you just. Take a nap or something. Have a Snickers.

This chapter gives us a fun clue that I don't remember from the show: when Viren's vision clears and he can see, his reflection has white pupils and the room reflected in the mirror has inverted colors. You know where else has inverted colors?

You know who else got white pupils for a hot second?

Okay, now it makes sense! Viren and Lujanne were both seeing into the realm beyond life and death. Him with his moon magic potion, and her with her moon powers on a full moon night at the Moon Nexus. Which is Very Interesting! Is it a direct hint about Aaravos's location, or just a separate cool detail? Orrr, does it look like a direct hint because Aaravos is actually trapped in the world beyond life and death, but it's actually separate and we'll see something about white pupils again later on?

Viren really does have self-esteem issues, we all picked up on it with his rant at his reflection. He throws a fit when he catches himself wondering if he's actually worthless. In the book version of his tantrum, he shoves the mirror and hurls a candelabra instead of flipping a table. He didn't need to shove the mirror to set the fire, but it's in here. Foreshadowing that perhaps, if push comes to shove, Viren will choose himself over Aaravos? Giving Aaravos time to peek through and see that the coast is clear?

Soren, my boyyyyy. He has a rough night at the Moon Nexus because two sides of him are fighting with each other. He struggles to understand Callum's friendship with Rayla, and he also fantasizes about chopping off Rayla's head. One of these is a pretty ordinary thing to do. The other is Soren's internalization of what he needs to do to gain his father's approval. If he brought his dad a chopped off elf head every week, he'd probably feel a lot more confident because Viren would praise him a lot more.

Okay, okay, omg, is it just me, or does the "Moonshadow Madness" story, as it's told in the book, seem like Soren just doesn't know what a monsterfucker is? He thinks an elf bite puts humans under a spell. But vampires are sexy, and some people want them to do more to them than just bite them. A passionate kiss under the moonlight could look very bitey, especially if one of the participants has horns and you're already culturally trained to hate them. No yeah, I'm already headcanoning an actual human-elf kiss that got misunderstood by an observer long ago.

it's Lujanne isn't it, we all know, because what is a love spell but a sweet soft illusion, I mean how else does she get supplies for her Caldera, I ask you, and also Corvus was totally sent to investigate once and he told Soren at camp what he saw

And then back to magefam angst: Soren pretending that his sister's nose-tapping is stupid, even though he actually thinks it's cool, just because their dad thinks it's stupid. Viren, istg. Let your kids like harmless things. It's so cute that Soren taps his nose back at her, though! Like they have their own sibling code. I hope we get to see the nose tap again, especially now that they've chosen different sides. It could mean so much, that they're not too far apart yet.

Rayla knows what buttery pancakes smell like. I love this. Do Moonshadow elves have butter and pancakes, does Rayla eat a stack of eight giant pancakes in the morning? Orrrr it is just illusion food? I don't care, let Rayla have pancakes! Everyone loves pancakes. Pancakes will save the world. this message brought to you by the fact that I can't eat pancakes rn, send help

I love that Rayla is both sus of the pancakes and hungry, and that combines into a very motivated "I will get to the bottom of this" attitude. She kind of goes into Poirot Mode when she inserts herself into Soren and Ellis's conversation about Ava, explaining about the wolf's illusion leg and segueing into her claim that the pancakes taste sus. Claudia confirms she used dark magic, and Rayla is furious. It's different than the show's version in that it puts Rayla in detective mode, as the only Moonshadow elf in the scene, and boy does she take that role seriously. Also, she doesn't actually swallow the dark magic pancake bite. It ends up on the ground just like Lujanne's grubs from that earlier meal. These poor kids are so nutrient-starved. You guys gotta eat!!

Rayla's determination and prejudices and the fact that she super knows Harrow is dead all dovetail to make her try repeatedly to persuade Callum that Soren and Claudia are Not To Be Trusted. It's nice that the book keeps taking the time to point out that Rayla is Well Intentioned But Flawed, just like Callum and pretty much every other character in the show. No one is Right All The Time, no one Knows More Than Everyone Else.

Callum loving the sound of Claudia's unique voice is so wholesome. When you like someone, it only makes sense that you like all the things about them that they can't change - like the sound of Claudia's voice. Her choices with dark magic, not so much!

Claudia seems to have the same concerns Soren does about Callum's relationship with Rayla, but she comes out and asks him. The inherent possession implied in "your elf" is interesting, though. Elves are not people to Claudia. They're enemies who can be disassembled for the magic inside them. So maybe more like robots than living beings, if she knew what a robot was. Maybe she heard Soren's "Moonshadow Madness" story and realized he totally missed the kissing implications - but she didn't, and now she's genuinely worried that Rayla could kiss Callum under a full moon and enchant him to do her will. Good thing it's only a half moon, then!

Okay, Callum nervously making a puppet hand and then not knowing what to do with his hands and freaking out about itching and moving and pointy elbows is such a ND mood. The sudden stress of knowing that someone else is noticing your existence and maybe you're Not Existing Right, amirite? Ugh, poor Callum.

The Moon Temple! Omg it's so pretty in the description! Made to be beautiful and useful, full of knowledge but also allowing light and life inside (butterflies and vines). Lujanne, when can I move in, please? Also, it's all the more angsty because Lujanne is the only one who gets to see this beautiful place, but it has lots of chairs and shelves and tables, and it was meant to be used by lots of people. :(((

Claudia knows some of the runes on the walls. She isn't in a hurry to copy the rest of them down or anything, either. Her spellwriting is very precise, and she's a skilled mage. Her father would have made sure she was aware of the dangers of drawing sloppy runes, as much as he made her aware of the dangers of doing dark magic wrong. And the whole point of dark magic is that it's easier to learn than primal magic. Claudia supports her dad and their shared knowledge and life path. She's not gonna go nuts over an elf library she can't translate.

Side note: Between Claudia knowing some Moon runes and Viren building a secret passageway and a dungeon and lighting it with the same blue crystals that Lujanne and Ethari use for light--and Claudia exclaiming that she loves ruins--I wonder once more if there are really Moonshadow ruins somewhere in Katolis, which Viren has found and looted. Father-daughter relic hunting trip, maybe while Soren is away at camp? Omgsh that would be so wild!

Callum out here having a Viren moment with his "I feel powerless unless I've got magic that lets me help" vibes. God. I love their complicated mirroring. One of the hard differences between them is that Callum is very sure dark magic is bad because you have to kill stuff and take its power to cast spells, and he doesn't want to be a person who kills and takes like that. The line he walks to be nice to Claudia on their tour of the Cursed Caldera because he likes her, while telling her that he doesn't want to do her magic, like, ever, is so fine that it might as well be a shifting shadow on the ground. It's a very fitting conversation to be having during the half moon, with its tricks and little white lies.

Callum being out of the castle and his comfort zone, having to deal with the fact that the Claudia he loves is not quite the Claudia who's chasing him down across the kingdom, but of the two of them, he's the only one with a problem with this.

They say that if you really want to get to know someone, you should spend time with them outside their comfort zone - in heavy traffic, with a small baby, taking care of a new pet, trying a new skill, following unfamiliar directions, etc. While the castle is familiar territory for them both, Callum's never really found his comfort zone yet, while Claudia is pretty comfortable with her growing skill set. The creepy part starts to kick in when Callum begins to realize that Claudia's comfort zone encompasses a whole bunch of stuff that seems like it should make her uncomfortable... but it doesn't. But that'll be for a future chapter!

[avenger-hawk]

Tagged by @altraes (thank you, it was fun to do this~)

List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

                                                       *

(I wrote the first paragraphs because my first lines alone don’t make much sense lol)

1- ACQUIESCENCE (Minato/Itachi) my first fic ever. darkish but just a little, angsty. I’m proud of it cause another author wrote a sequel to it.

 to ac·qui·esce: to accept, agree, or allow something to happen by staying silent or by not arguing. A flurry of leaves, swept away by the autumn wind, caught the Hokage's attention while he took off his large hat. That time of the year should have been warmer.

2- THE WILL OF FIRE (Shiita, Danzo/Shisui, Danzo/Itachi) This was dark and shiita fans didn’t like it lol.

 Just like his owner, Danzo's studio was dark and dusty. The man didn't look as old as Hiruzen, but he was twice as scary; thus would think a boy of Itachi's age. Not him. He was not allowed to be afraid.

3- WHAT HE WANTED (Itasasu) Even tho I rewrote it cause I didn’t like how I initially characterized them and their dynamics this is my most popular fic. Maybe because it’s a post-ending, canon divergent, fix-it kind of story. Maybe because it’s Itasasu and I put so much love into writing their dynamics and, also, in giving Sasuke a good ending since canon didn’t do him justice.

Sasuke is where everybody wants him to be: in Konoha. With the battle and the arm he also lost the urge to fight. He's had enough of traveling. He's tired of chasing and being chased. So tired that even if he meant every word about starting a revolution, being the Hokage and build a new era, he had wondered, though only for a moment, if he would be able to really accomplish such tasks all by himself.

4- IN POWER WE ENTRUST THE LOVE ADVOCATED (Itasasu) THis is my second most popular fic. This one too was written after the ending and tried to give Sasuke justice. I planned to write a sequel but I got busy with other projects and lost interest in it.

The gates open, letting the shinobi in after a successfully completed mission. Being on duty the following day Sasuke declines his team mates' proposal to have dinner together, the reddish sunset light forcing him to squint as he walks towards the Hokage's office.

5- PRESSURE (Itasasu) Taken from In Power that can be read as a standalone oneshot.

Itachi wakes up to the sound of pouring water.

6- IN DREAMS (Itasasu, Izuna/Sasuke, DARKFIC). This is one of the darkest things I wrote. The Izuna/Sasuke crackpair was for @admiral-izusasu. The plot, the dynamics, everything has a double, or triple reading, plot related and metaphorical for other, real-life issues such as knowing people online, and emotional abuse from narcissistic people. I wrote it when I was fighting against one of these psychos, on tumblr itself, so this fic has a personal meaning for me. But also the plot and the canon divergent ending thing is cool, I think it’s one of my best fics, even though I coulnd’t care less about izuna.

They say that nature will always find a way. After the end of the war flowers keep blooming like nothing happened even if the light is fainter, filtered from the tall branches of the Shinju tree, now grown into a forest spread all over the world.

7- SOMBER CREATION PALE DESTRUCTION (Madara/Sasuke dom/sub-ish). Darkish? Who knows, I write darkfish stuff all the time. I was (and am) very proud of this fic, the canon divergent turn it took (who am I kidding, it’s really cool lol) and the weird relationship/dynamics these 2 created. So I didn’t update it anymore, because doing so would break their thin balance. Ssssh, don’t tell me it doesn’t make sense, I don’t believe you xD

History teaches that Madara Uchiha died at the hands of Hashirama Senju. Their statues were erected in the Valley Of The End where their battle was fought, where the shinobi god ended his best friend's life in order to protect the village they founded together. No one knows that Madara didn't die there.

8- IN THE DARK (kakashi/Sasuke, mob/Sasuke noncon). This is a very dark oneshot that I’m proud of, cause it ‘explains’ canon Sasuke personality in Shinden and later, and that I use as prequel for many fics, like WHW but also OFAF and Broken Things (see later for both).

Things never went as Sasuke wanted. After the war it's no different, although everything seems fine at first, Team 7 finally at peace with each other, the war ended and the village that Itachi protected, even as a dead man, safe. Nevertheless he is arrested when he's still in the hospital.

9- VICTIMS OF PEACE (Shisui/Sasuke dom/sub-ish) I am so proud of this fic, of its non massacre universe, of the dark-ish slow burn relationship between Shisui and Sasuke I wrote, tentatively at first cause no one did it or thought much about it, and because that non massacre filler was bad, but still it was inspiration. I know shiita fans hated me even more for this cause shisui is only paired with itachi, and also itachi/itasasu fans were disappointed but still. This is maybe the fic I’m most proud of.

If a traveler arrived from a random village in the Fire Country he would certainly notice how different Konoha was. He would not be able to pinpoint exactly why at first, because the buildings, houses and shops are similar, just like their gardens, fields and animals. Only after some thought he would understand that the difference is in their people: other villagers are relaxed and casual, even loud. Children run around the streets, chasing each other, playing tag or hide-and-seek. Their fathers bring them presents and their mothers buy them new clothes.

10- OF FEATHERS AND FANGS (DARK Narusasu) I received a lot of hate for this one, which makes me proud of it even more. so many naruto stans were butthurt by my characterization of him as a possessive not sunshine selfless boy and their dynamics as crazy.

Jiraiya used to complain that the first sign of getting old was waking up at night for no reason and not being able to fall back asleep. For Naruto, this only happened after the war.

11- BLACK ROSES (Itasasu, dom/sub-ish) Smutty Bloody Darky Hokage Itachi/Anbu Sasuke oneshot

Because of his farsighted politics, his loyalty towards his allies as well as his iron fist against his enemies, Itachi quickly became one of the most respected leaders in the shinobi world, and because of his unequaled diplomatic skills, along with his vast culture, impeccable manners and refined appearance, he became popular among nobles, including the Daimyo, whose official visits increased since the Uchiha rose to power.

12- NELL’IPOTESI GRANDE (=IN THE BIG HYPOTHESIS) (MetaMoro, not Naruto) I’m very proud of this one cause it’s a psycho-pass inspired longfic set in a retrofuturistic Italy with a totalitarian consumeristic regime. But that fandom is so shitty and they all hate me cause I called them homophobic fascists so no one cares. The excerpt is translated too.

He’s reminded of Pirandello’s* words as he’s riding the automatic taxi across the city, exiting the center towards EUR. COmpared to Milan with its skyscrapers, multilevel streets, automatic cars and incessant novelties, the capital is basically the same as it was portrayed in old illustrations: renaissance and 20th century buildings, seagulls, pines among the Roman ruins, sycamore trees on the Lungotevere, that was probably already busy with traffic when people travelled on horse carriages. (*an Italian writer)

13- DA UOMO A UOMO, MANO NELLA MANO (from man to man, hand in hand) (Metamoro) lol I was hated a lot for this one too. tbh the hate I received in the Naruto fandom is nothing compared to this other shitty fandom

For an artist like Fabrizio, mainly focused on expressing what he has inside, public relations are the hardest part of his job, especially when it’s about events where, instead of fans, of whom he perceives the sincere affection, other artists and professionals are invited. His experience taught him that most of them are hypocrites ready to jump on the winner’s bandwagon as quickly as to throw mud at the loser.

14- STRENGTH THROUGH WOUNDING (wip) (Obito/Sasuke, Obito/Itachi, dark.-ish) 

There is something nostalgic in the eerie way the boy's screams resonate through the dark cavern-like hideout, their pain bouncing from one curved wall to another, their anguish filling their crevices. It’s like hearing his past self from an external perspective, like Madara did. Which is fitting, for Obito is Madara now.

15- WORDS UNSAID (wip) (Kakashi/Sasuke) 

A black flame that cannot be extinguished: they had been warned about Amaterasu by Jiraiya, but seeing it was impressive nevertheless. The whole area was surrounded by black flames and the rain pouring hard could nothing against it. They found Sasuke there, surrounded, imprisoned by black flames that were extinguishing themselves, so they found a breach.

16- BLEEDING ME (Metamoro vampire/priest darkfic) No one can understand this in the Naruto fandom but it’s an AU interpretation of the Da UOMO A UOMO character dynamics where one is an emotional vampire-like person. I’m very proud of this fic tbh.

According to folk stories the forest was so big and full of dangers that God himself put a church where it ended, so that its priest would protect the people living nearby. It was a small, white building that didn’t match the typical stones and wood brownish ones of that region, with no stained glass windows or fancy columns, spires or gargoyles, only crosses with skulls and bones, and an engraving in an unknown language.

17- WILD CHILD (Metamoro cop/drug dealer AU). At this point I hate that fandom so much but I like my ideas and I write only for my girl whom I met in that very shitty fandom.

Everything seems bigger in children’s eyes. Like the playground in the courtyard of the church, with its slides and swings that for Ermal’s siblings were the setting of countless imaginary adventures which they told him in detail, enthusiastically interrupting each other, when he picked them up after school.

18- TRUE COLORS (Itasasu, dark, dom/sub) By now I’m only interested in writing dark IS and I enjoyed writing this one lol

"I knew you had it in you. You're a sadistic control freak. Even more than me." Orochimaru's voice resounded in Itachi's ears. Again.

19- OF FEATHERS AND FANGS 2: TO REPAIR WITH GOLD (Dark Narusasu). Cause I didn’t piss off NS fans enough I guess? lol this is ongoing and I like this idea so much

It's a rainy day in Konoha but no one seems to notice. Everyone is focused on the Hokage delivering his eulogy.

20- BROKEN THINGS (Shisui/Sasuke) My latest creation, I’m so proud of it cause it’s Shisasu again, my rarepair! and it was supposed to be a oneshot but it got longer because they have such a cool dynamic that things just happen and get longer.

In the Land of Water summers were hot and damp, autumn and spring were damp for the frequent rains and winter was no less, with its cold temperature and ubiquitous dampness. It wasn't a problem for Sasuke though.

                                                                       *

Tagging: @renamon15 and all the other authors I can’t remember right now and who want to do this, tag me back so I can read your first lines lol

[three-moons-watching]

The Dangerous Gift Reaction

Just all of my reactions to the dangerous gift upon my first reading

AKA the dangerous gift with ZERO context have fun

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

-THE PROLOGUE IS SWORDTAIL’S POV I’M LIVING FOR THIS

-oh yeah the villain this arc is a plant.

-haha

-lame

-alright moving on

-the prologue was basically just catching up on what happened last book rather than an actual prologue about swordtail so that was sad

-half a page into the first chapter and i already love snowfall with my whole soul

-yeah okay i actually really really love snowfall this is going to be an entertaining book

(she’s kinda like peril? except an icewing and a lot less murder)

-okay the ice wall every night seems a bit extra

-me, reading the name crystal: oooo secret gay crush???

-snowfall, two lines later: she was still a princess

-me, immediately: oh. sisters. nevermind. definitely not secret gay crush

-every time snowfall insists she’s okay i get the feeling she’s not very okay

-I LIKE LYNX A LOT

-also am i looking at an enemies to lovers (or possibly tsundere) dynamic with these two cause i’m down

-okay since when does snowfall have sisters

-awww baby miiiink

-also crystal out here wearin the dragon version of a plague mask what a mood

-Lynx stared at her, blinking fast for a long moment, “well,” she said finally, “no one said it had to be a leisurely swim--” (askdjfkasdjlf i love her)

-hey have i mentioned yet that i LOVE LYNX

-The Forbidden Treasury is possibly the coolest name for a treasury i am excited to see what’s in it

-also who gave snowfall permission to access anything with magic, this sounds like a bad plan

-i really like mink’s description!! i’m glad icewings can be more colors than just shades of white

-who gave the icewings permission to name things

-also the ice kingdom has villages? i thought it was just the castle

-oh my heck that’s horrible snowfall sweetheart i’m so sorry

-snowfall NO

-also wow tsunami u need to CHILL

-it’s a friggin PLANT who decided this was a good idea for a villain

-i mean it’s kinda cool but also feels way over powered?? what are you supposed to do????? eat all of it like a salad? feed it to whales??? you can’t burn it so what’s the next step? poison?

-oh goodie one of my least favorite dragons in the series

-also jerboa’s first impression wasn’t great

-YOOOOOOOO IS THAT THE RING’S POWER??? THAT’S SO COOL

-lynx 🤝 qibli (🤝 = having that Bisexual Energy and annoying the flip out of royal icewings just cause they can)

-In this house we support Intertribe Flirting

-luna’s helping all of them cut off their bands! the ones! from the first book in this arc! wow i’m slow. that’s so cool. they’re slowly breaking free from hivewing control

-LEAFWINGS CAN BE PINK??????????? (unless this one is a hybrid but PINK LEAFWING)

-oh wait it’s cobra lily. am i supposed to remember who she is?

-when was the last time i read sundew’s book

-THE HYBRIDS!! IN SANCTUARY!!! I’m actually living for the hybrids in sanctuary guys oh my heck

(It was at this point that I had to put tumblr away for the night so some of these might be a little out of order or just word mess)

-CRYSTAL AND WHATS HIS FACE THE MUDWING WITH THE COOL NAME YES VERY GOOD LOVE THEM

-WREN AND SKYYYYYYY

-wait how big are humans compared to dragons Daffodil had Bumblebee sit on her shoulders that doesn’t...that doesn’t match up with what I have in my head hecking heck now I have to figure out sizes again I thought I had it down and now grrrrrr

-there are less queens than I thought there were

-also THOOOOOORN love her

-Oh Snowfall :((

-Winter is annoying

-blue’s lil pov for a second made me cry :((

-also WOW wasp’s pov that gives a really cool perspective on her character

-there’s more stuff that happens, lots of characters need to friggin CHILL I’m living for the Snowfall/Lynx interactions

-HECK YEAH BREAK DOWN THE ICE WALL

-J-Jerboa don’t...don’t do that that’s...

-Wow. Okay. Jerboa and Boa. Don’t wanna know what happened to Jerboa the second

-except I also kinda DO- what if she came out half baked, like a dragon bird thing? I’m sure that’d be horrifying but it also might be kinda cool

-yeah no Jerboa’s pov was scary. I understand her a little better now tho

-also thanks for breaking animus magic the world is better off this way

-also GLACIER

-new love for queen glacier I love her so much

-I’ve only had Mink for a day and a half but if anything happened to her I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself

-heck yeah snowfall own it

-the way Mink described the wall “I’m better than this dragon and this dragon and this dragon,” etc even though she was only up there because she was a princess? this wall is an awful idea

-SHE BROKE THE WALL

-power move: moving Tundra’s name to the very bottom of the list and then when she protests, destroy the wall (this didn’t happen and it would be a Bad Idea but can you imagine?)

-Opal was cool. Also the Forbidden Treasury was REALLY COOL gotta be one of my new favorite places in the series

-hnnnnng I love queen glacier.....

Okay final thoughts

-really loved Snowfall and her development! The opal ring was an interesting idea and a really cool way to show what was happening on Pantala

-the icewings will hopefully become a cooler (haha) tribe now that Snowfall isn’t afraid to destroy tradition that isn’t making anything better

-more schools?? Like jade mountain??

-this book totally destroyed my headcanons for sanctuary so that qinter oneshot will be fun to write oh boy

-the snowfall and hazel friendship!!

-I need to read the other books again I don’t really remember any of the leafwings lol

-lynx is kind of a combo of qibli and jambu and swordtail and I LOVE HER

I think that’s all my thoughts about it for now

Also I totally forgot about it but when Snowfall gets back from Blue’s pov and she’s like “cricket’s a little more her type” that made me happy. I dunno if she’s bi or a lesbian or aro/ace or whatever but she’s definitely not straight and that’s CANON

[mmmleckerlecker]

Please do go off about why you chose certain chapter titles

I wanna know it all 👀

Well. I mean. *cracks knuckles* If you insist....

(putting in a read more tho cause I just break down every chapter title so it gets lengthy)

Some of them are kinda obvious and simple. Like “The Meeting” details Felix and Benji’s first meeting. Duh.

“‘Someone Like You’” is named after a quote in the chapter HOWEVER it IS a quote that comes back once Felix learns about consuming and what Mrs. Marotta truly meant when she said it.

I think “Lion’s Den” was my first ‘clever’ chapter title. There’s not really anything deeper to it than being a reference to the fact that Benji innocently walks into a house filled with preds (the majority of which have consumed fatally)

“The Truth” is simply named for the fact that it’s the chapter where Felix learns the truth about preds and consuming. However, it’s somewhat unintentional (maybe I did it subconsciously), but I think most chapters that start with ‘the’ in the title, are sort of markers for important milestones in the story/character arcs. So, for instance, so far the Big Things to happen have truly been their meeting and learning the truth

“Trust” is also pretty straightforward but I do think it’s the beginning of a sort of reoccurring theme in the story. I also just find the concept of trust fascinating, especially when it’s given to people who naturally don’t seem to deserve it (like Felix)

And then there’s “Crush”!! This chapter was definitely named after the fact that it’s about Camille’s crush on Felix. HOWEVER I liked the sound of it because it was a sort of dark foreshadowing for how their relationship would evolve as time went on.

Was the chapter “Changes” inspired a little bit by the David Bowie song? Maybe so. Do I hear it play in my head every time I read the chapter title? Who is to say? (Same kind of goes for “‘Someone Like You’” where that Adele song plays)

Mmm and “Instinct” was of course named after the fact that this is when Felix’s pred instincts really kick into overdrive and start pushing him down the road to becoming Lux. I know it’s another simple title but I like to think it mirrors “Trust” in a way. Not only are they single word titles, but they’re both reoccurring themes in the story. They’re also both sort of the defining factor in Felix and Benji’s relationship. Does Benji have enough trust in Felix that he’s safe? Are Felix’s instincts powerful enough to jeopardize that safety? Only time will tell...

Okay now listen. Imma be honest. The line, “For Benji,” was NOT originally in this chapter. I was trying to come up with a title and I was like “doesn’t Felix think that to himself at some point?” Turns out ahh nope he didn’t. But no worries. I can do what I want. I simply slipped it in there and now it’s the chapter title. I really only wanted this title For The Drama.

Oof the title for “A Single Condition” was a little difficult to come up with. It’s just that SO MUCH happens in this chapter. It’s the longest chapter in the story so far.* But ultimately the line about Prey Man having a single condition really stood out to me as it’s basically the driving force for the next few chapters so that’s how I got that chapter title. (*Now when I say it’s the longest in the story, I mean it’s the longest POSTED chapter. There’s been more than one chapter I’ve had to split into two when posting cause they’re just too damn long.)

Now “The Scorpion” is one I’m super proud of. I uh dunno how many people got the reference but it’s to the Fable called “The Scorpion and the Frog” where a scorpion asks for a ride across the river on the back of the frog. The frog refuses at first, saying the scorpion will surely sting and kill him while he swims. The scorpion reassures the frog, saying that if he dies, the scorpion will also die by drowning as he cannot swim. The frog agrees to help.... and the scorpion stings him. As they both die, the frog asks why the scorpion did it, and the scorpion responds that it’s simply in his nature. The Scorpion, in this case, is Felix who betrays Benji simply by giving in to his nature. (Note that I don’t really agree with the message behind the fable, but ya know... The Symbolism.)

And then obviously “The Frog” is a reference to Benji who also makes the mistake of trusting his natural enemy and paying for it dearly. (Fun fact but these two chapters where originally one that I split into two to keep the lengths reasonable. And BOY WAS IT A GOOD DECISION. That one week between releases where everyone was LOSING it because they didn’t know whether Felix would let Benji out or not.... was a Good Week)

I think “A New Perspective” was a pretty straightforward title decision. As low key as the chapter itself. I do find it interesting tho that both chapters that start with “A” in the title have to do with Benji getting his world rocked upon learning how other prey view preds

YASSS and then there’s “Lux.” I like this chapter title purely because I don’t think people realized the significance of it when I first posted it. Like it really was like “oh Felix has a cute nickname. That’s fun!” And then several chapters later it’s just “oh okay so Lux really is this whole different side to him huh?” Like this chapter is the absolute true beginning to Lux. Love it.

And for “Lilian” this was a chapter title meant to mirror the previous one. They’re the only two chapters named after a character, they’re back to back, and they both start with an L (although that wasn’t intentional, it just sorta happened lol). This chapter was also originally combined into one chapter with the previous chapter, but again, I broke them up to save on length.

“The Alliance” was simply named for the Pred-Prey Alliance in the chapter, also the driving force for the main conflict (but also note that it’s another chapter title that starts with “the”)

AND THEN we have “The Facility,” the title for which is meant to mirror the one before it because... this is it. These are the two chapters that cement Camille and Felix going down completely opposite paths with Benji stuck right in the middle.

“Homecoming” I think is... a kind uncreative title. But truly not much happens in the chapter itself except that.... Benji comes home

Now for “A Place to Belong” (note how this is the other chapter title that begins with “A”), I think simply titling it “Epomis” was a huge temptation. It’s The Big Reveal and it would sort of mirror the title for chapter 17 “The Facility.” HOWEVER. I thought naming it that would be too much of a spoiler. Especially if a new reader happened to be skimming through the list of chapters. It would give away the significance too soon. And I hate giving spoilers away more than I liked the drama of the title, so I went with “A Place to Belong” instead.

Okay and I’m very much proud of “Golden Boy” because it’s such a small line in the chapter, and the title itself is vague enough that no one would question it until they had more context. And then you get the context and you REALIZE how significant The Golden Boy really is. (Also maybe a little bit cause Lux’s name means “light” and I just like the image of golden light)

“Busy Work” was another one of those uninspired titles for another one or those lowkey Benji chapters. Hmm maybe they should get a category of their own since they keep happening. Anydays. The title mayyy have also been a small reference to the Avatar episode “Bitter Work” in which Toph first (attempts) to teach Aang to earthbend. (Because that show is my favorite ever and I think it inspires my writing a lot in general.)

“The Mission” title is also quite obvious but notice how it’s another “The” title! This is the chapter that marks the beginning of Benji’s path back to Felix/Lux. I’d say that’s pretty important.

Mmmm I love the title for “‘To Live and Give.’” When I first wrote that line a few chapters earlier I was evil smiling to myself about how I was planning to bring it back with a MUCH darker twist. I love it.

“‘All Mouths That Surround You’” aka one of my fave chapters. The perfect intro for the new Lux. This is a reference, of course, to the alt-J song “Every Other Freckle,” which I’ve associated with Lux from the beginning. Now. I realize that some (most) lyric sites list that line as “all baths that surround you.” I think out of context, that line sounds strange, but there IS another line that’s clearly “all showers that shower you” so I guess that would make more sense to include baths as well. But is that as sexy as “mouths”? Absolutely not. So we improvise, overcome, adapt. Moving right along.

“The Reunion,” which I sorta mentioned earlier, is meant to mirror the very first chapter, “The Meeting” and I think that’s beautiful. Like I’m all about taking everything that seemed happy and innocent in the beginning of this story and twisting it so it matches the darker tone of the rest.

“Table Talks” is a little bit of a meh title to me but I do find it entertaining that I think table talks are usually.... not as angsty and full of conflict as Benji and Lux’s is.

“Kleptoparasite” is, as mentioned earlier, a reference to Lux stealing Cecil’s prey. It’s the ~scientific~ term for an animal that acquires its prey by stealing it from other predators. I mostly chose it because I wanted something more clever than “Stolen Prey” (and also I like incorporating Real Life stuff into the story. Like how Epomis is a beetle whose larvae practice predator/prey role-reversal in nature).

And finally there’s “Crumple” which is a callback all the way to chapter 6 “Crush.” This time Camille really IS a crumpled mess. The chapter really hits home with how her and Lux’s relationship has changed over the years. And, of course, it’s just me again doing the classic twist of making things in the early years darker to fit the later years.

Okay! That’s everything up to date so far! I hope this is what you meant when you wanted to “know all” 😂

[springday-aus]

Gardener!AU with Sanha

moodboard link

Group: ASTRO 

Member: Yoon Sanha

Genre: fluff, romance

part of the Odd Summer Jobs!AU ⇸ introduction of the Summer Boys!

check out the others on the au masterlist! 

Type: Butllerpoint AU 

Word Count: approx. 1.7k

I know, I know... a guy who can’t handle bugs does gardening?

highkey that’s the only downside of this job

the amount of wasps he’s had to wave off is…. many

one time he saw a bug in his garden in process and…….. let’s just say that Mark def lost some hearing bc Sanha kept screaming in the car bc he was afraid of having the bug follow him into the car

it was a whole thing

anyways

Sanha’s jobs includes two things: decorating gardens and cleaning them up

like some people hire him to make their garden prettier than it originally was

and others hire him to clean them up

there’s this one lady who hires him to just do the weeding in her garden

tbh it isn’t too hard of a job

it’s really just bc some people are too lazy to do it

and the other people like to garden with other people

overall, he actually really likes it tho

primarily bc most of the time, the customers leave him alone and, on top of that, he also gets free drinks

there’s also the personal satisfaction whenever his flowers blossom

But then there’s the sadness whenever he sees that they’re dead

Kaunlin: “are you crying?”

Sanha: “thEY’RE DEAD OF COURSE I’M CRYING”

Chan: “just leave him alone, he needs a moment”

Jisung: “it’s more than just a moment that he needs”

Mingi: “ I mean, he’s not wrong…”

omg there was this one time that he worked on this garden for like three days and he was so happy with the result and then learned the hard way that he should plant seeds that are very low-maintenance

altho there are a couple of people he knows he can trust

it’s primarily the older folks who are just at home and don’t want to learn knitting

speaking of which

they find him super cute bc he’s just a tall, overgrown puppy who likes to run into a field of flowers

and he kind of is

bc he would def do that

whenever he helps Minhyuk with his dogs, Minhyuk just thinks it’s another dog he’s walking lmao

even tho Sanha told him that he was looking for inspiration

…. he just ends up in running in the fields anyways lol

anyways

back to the actual gardens themselves

they’re not really gardens bc it’s more of little areas that aren’t grass

he doesn’t limit it to just flowers and caring for them

this one time, someone wanted to start a vegetable garden and it turned out super cute

bc he helped them out, he gets free tomatoes now (whenever they’re in season obviously)

and he always shares them with the other Summer Boys bc he def gets too much sometimes

(there’s also another couple who gives him free cucumbers and he gets so many stink-eyes from Seungkwan and Chan and he ignores it but yeah)

he also does bushes—specializes the most in rose bushes

one time, him and this cooky, old, neighborhood lady wanted to try that thing from Alice in Wonderland

so he spent like five hours with her, painting the white roses red

a complete waste of time but it was so much fun

they had a bonding experience

on the other hand….

they kind of looked insane from an outsider’s perspective

Mark, from inside his car: “I was told to come here around 1…. should I just… leave him here?”

Chenle: “nah, we should stay and see where this goes”

Mark: ….. “I should really start charging y’all for these free rides”

Jisung: “shush”

moving on

he’s also part of this gardening club for his neighborhood

and it’s super adorable

bc half of it is where he gets most of his customers

the other half is mainly just the old ladies who call him cute

remember how I said there’s only a couple of people he trusts with his pretty gardens?

yeah, those are the only ones he trusts

so, this club is also important bc this is how he got to meet you

you were bored this summer and thought about picking up a hobby

there were flyers for a gardening club and you thought, why the hell not

when you came, there was definitely less people than you thought

and they were definitely older than you’d thought

but it was still fun

so you just kept coming

everyone was super nice to you too

you were having a good time

they meet like once a week so it’s not like you couldn’t make the time

(plus you were highkey satisfied with your flower arrangement—and it was actually really fun)

meanwhile the elders were like: “Sanha, look, it’s someone closer to your age”

Sanha: minding his business and watering his flowers

Sanha: “hm?”

“talk to them, you’re garden neighbors :)”

Sanha: ….. “okay”

with a bit of a push from the others, he slowly approached you while you were watering your side in the garden

Sanha: “hey”

You: “hi”

Sanha: topic of conversation, find a topic of conversation

Sanha: “I like those hibiscus flowers”

You: “thank you, it took a bit of time, but they turned out good”

Sanha: “yeah, they did”

Sanha: “they’re very low maintenance and they turn out beautiful”

You: “it’s literally the only reason I picked these seeds”

you two get to bond

and leave with a new number in your phones

you two get closer and closer with each week and each text

it’s cute

the elders were eating that shit up

some of your club pictures is just you two in the garden

with the sunshine and butterflies and dandelion leaves blowing in the wind

it was incredibly photogenic for a bunch of people in their mid-40s to 80s

anyways, it’s a beautiful friendship

so what changes?

there’s an exhibition at the botanical gardens and, the club makes plans to meet up to go to it

when you all meet up, you initially go off together

but since each section of the garden is so huge, you end up breaking up into groups and pairs and such

you and Sanha were under this gazebo in the Japanese Gardens section on a little bench that faces out on the mini sized river

the both of you were so caught up in the conversation, you didn’t even realize when your hands were laced together

it started from knee nudges to elbow bumps and then…. hands

the other club members definitely noticed but no one said anything to preserve the *possibly* rare moment of the two of you

you can count on the fact that they took a photo of that too

(they sent you copies like a week later btw)

you were both enjoying the silence for a bit

and Sanha is lowkey staring at your profile

you look so peaceful

he smiles to himself, a bit lost in thought

his concentration breaks once you start giggling

Sanha: “what… what’s so funny?”

you can’t look at him, instead you keep laughing to yourself and, you’re worried you kind of look like a maniac but

whatever

You: “nothing, nevermind”

Sanha: “no, tell me”

You: “okay, okay, but give me a second”

you clear your throat a bit, before trying to look at him again

You: “sorry, this is kind of hard”

Sanha: “don’t overthink it, it’s just me”

You: “it’s because it’s you though”

Sanha: “what do you mean?”

You: “I like you……”

his eyes widen from the confession

You: “you know, just a lily bit”

and then they close at your bad joke

despite the cringeyness of your words

he can’t hide his smile

Sanha: “that’s a shame because I like you very mulch”

when you get back to the group, you’re holding hands and the blush on your cheeks are very evident

“YES IT FINALLY HAPPENED”

“omg, Susan, calm down”

so, other than the time you two spend at the club, you both also spend most of your time together at the park

it’s nice and calming

and it’s super cute to see Sanha in his element

Minhyuk goes with you two sometimes

only sometimes

bc being the third wheel isn’t fun

hence why he brings dogs with him

but, no he’s glad his friend found someone who makes him happy

and lowkey he wanted to meet you to report back to the other Summer Boys that Sanha was in good hands

yo, when you met with the other Summer Boys

you could understand why they were so popular in their neighborhoods

they’re all so fun in their own ways

(Mark extended his rides for you too bc he’s such a sweetheart)

anyways

other notes

Sanha can’t kill the bugs

so that’s your responsibility now, whether or not you’re okay with that

if you are, you lowkey use tease him after killing or catching the bug

Sanha: “stOP HOLDING IT SO CLOSE”

You: “it’s a bug, not a disease”

Sanha: “say that to the plague”

if you aren’t okay with getting rid of the bugs….. then be okay with it bc Sanha’s not doing it

Sanha: holding the flyswatter in one hand and bug spray in the other

Sanha: “you get it”

You: “nO you get it!”

Sanha: “nO”

You: “I’m not doing it!”

Sanha: “well, neither am I!”

The Bee: 👁️👄👁️

anyways

Sanha asks you to accompany him whenever he has to work on a couple of gardens

he likes your input

remember that rose bush thing?

he showed you it

and the lady he did it with? she invited you both in for tea

it was really fun

(she makes really good cookies)

but stuff like that occurred more often with you around

not exactly planting flowers, but more fun and creative ideas

you even recommended for him to do those fancy lights in the wintertime for extra money over break

(which he is totally going to do now)

it’s because of stuff like this that he trusts your ideas

it’s a good dynamic

You: “hey Sanha”

Sanha: “what?”

You: “I needed somebudy like you”

Sanha:

You:

Sanha: “I thought we agreed no more flower puns”

You: “you like themmmmm”

Sanha: “I don’t know about that but I know I like you ;)” 

You: … “shutup”

[kuvvydraws]

I'm not sure if you've answered this question already, but I'm honestly very curious- why do you write fanfiction? I certainly enjoy it as much as you and have written a few things of my own, but I know it can be quite a personal topic for many writers. If it's too personal for you, don't feel any pressure to answer, but it's always interesting to see the writer's perspective outside of the story they've written :). I hope you understand what I'm trying to say-

Hey!

I actually enjoy the words and the rush your brain gets when they join without effort to create a reality.

Now, let me break that down XD

I've always had a book in my hands as far as my memory goes. My dad used to read to me when I was very little and from the second I could do it on my own, that was the best thing ever (yes, that means when I was punished for doing some shit, my books were taken away and I had to sneak them into my schoolbag and read in class like a heathen).

Not only I enjoyed books but I always found myself wanting to partake in the stories, and my brain was always running with the words and the scenes. (I discovered during my teenage years that brains have different ways to process thoughts and mine did it in words, so writing just sort of came naturally to me at that point in my life).

I discovered ffnet when I was 12, I think, but I had tried my hand at original works (that is, about five or six starts of different novels that never saw the light) and some "fanfiction" (about Nightmare Before Christmas because I had a big ass crush on Jack and I unassumingly created my first xReader ever) without knowing what the hell I was doing.

I just knew I wanted to write stuff and I did as much.

The thing is, I introduced one of my friends, who also loved to read and write, to ffnet, and we started writing together. The first thing we wrote was a Sesshomaru x OC fic, the second one was a Sasori x OC fic, and we dipped out toes into some Kuroshitsuji x OC...... all of them handwritten stories we promised we would type in a computer eventually (we didn't, they were horrible [I still have the notebooks we used for each of them and they are cringey as fuck]).

But we wrote for ourselves and we were happy like that.

So we were rampant and wild and having the best time. Back then I still wrote in Spanish (because I hardly knew any English and I didn't care for it), and I remember mixing Spain's Spanish with the ones from South America because obviously the percentage of writers in ffnet who used a different "dialect" Spanish was huge if you compare a single, tiny country with a whole continent.

At the same time I wrote with my friend, I wrote for myself. Naruto, Kuroshitsuji, Bleach, Hetalia.... And I met so many people, nice people, who loved my works (they were random fics, all of them x OC because I didn't know x Reader ones were a thing -they weren't at that time, and x Reader are harder to write in Spanish because all the words and pronouns are gendered one way or another-) and I got so much enjoyment from sharing them.

The thing about books I love the most is the fact that you can convey so many emotions with a few symbols, and you can create worlds out of ink and you can change views and inspire others. So, if none of my dumbass teenage novels were to roam the word, I still could share, in a free, open and fast way, my words with others.

Again, I was going to write them with or without posting them because I found -and still find- great pleasure when a scene creates itself in your brain and all you have to do to make it real is to write it down. (Sometimes my brain still does this and even when I'm daydreaming, my imagination is "written, described and dialogued" as if someone was reading a novel out loud. It makes writing so much easier).

And then I got hate.

I somehow had managed to miss all of the fandom drama that's so toxic in the internet because I didn't bother to interact with anyone in the fandoms beyond the reviews they left in my fics, and ffnet has a -sort of- specific search engine to help you find whatever you want, so I could never willingly find the "problematic stuff" because I was literally not trying to find it.

The hate comment I got was anonymous and very specific about everything that was wrong in a particular fic I had just updated -from plot and characterization to grammar and continuity-, and later on I discovered it came from a couple of authors who shared an account and who I admired greatly for their works. Turns out they were out for blood and hating on every fic that had updated that week and that had any members of their OTP shipped with some other character. (It was a Hetalia fanfic, I was writing SpUK and they were pro FrUk, if anyone is interested).

I was contacted by some other authors asking about this because they had gone through the very same thing -same specific hate, same hate comment- and I remember not giving a fuck.

I was 16 when I got the hate, writing for fun and trying to find a way to go through my shitty highschool days without falling into the black out of depression that haunted me. I remember not wanting to write anything anymore, leaving a fic I was very invested in writing to gather dust and rot in the forgotten folders of my computer because every time I tried to get on with it and progress, it felt wrong.

That thing I said about words just happening? It stopped. My brain was silent as a grave and trying to get my words out became painful. I remember struggling to even write regular project for my school.

I kept reading, of course -it was my only comfort and I really, really didn't want to give up on it-, but I abandoned the fandoms I enjoyed so much before. My new focus became the sci-fi, and I remember being hooked on Predator. Imagine my joy when I discovered there were thousands of works from that fandom! I was extasic.

Problem? They were written in English.

I didn't know shit about English besides being a language I was supposed to handle in school, memorize the unreasonably spelt words that were pronounced illogically regarding the fucking spelling and the stupid ass irregular verbs.

But I learnt English because I wanted a hot piece of alien ass XD

Back to the topic of fanfics, I still roamed ffnet, keeping 15 tabs open and reading until 5 am... But now there was a world of possiblities in front of me because of course everyone on this goddamn Earth writes in English.

So, for the next years I did that, and my words didn't come. It was fine, tho, because I had so many new things to read.

It wasn't until fall of 2018 that I dabbed into the idea of maybe considering to perhaps give writing a try again????? I was neck deep into Undertale -still am, I'm a shameless skeleton fucker and there's no cure for that shit- and its many AU's and somehow I had managed to avoid fandom wars again, so my brain started toying with words... The same way it worked with novels: I got myself into the fics other people wrote (this is so much easier to do with x Reader fics, and I'm so happy about that and the massive boom they had just when Undertale came out, you can't even understand it).

So I kept doing my shit and daydreaming about skeletons and ribs and ecto-stuff for a very long time. It was kinda reassuring and nice to see other writers projecting on their x Readers so much because that's what I had done before.

And then Good Omens happened.

As I've said before, I actually discovered Gomens back in 2012 and it is, to the date, the worst translation to Spanish I've seen in my entire life to this date. And, despite it, I fell in love with it.

Now, barely in 2019, my dad gets Amazon Prime and the first thing he fucking sees is the font of Gomens on the screen. I had fangirled hard about Gomens in book version, so much and so annoyingly that I wouldn't leave my dad alone until he gave it a chance. It's the only book my father hasn't finished because the translation is that bad. He hates it.

Yet.

The particular font they use for the show is the same from the book's title. My dad of course recognized it immediately and knew I would want in on the news.

I confess I watched Gomens the show at least seven times before giving it a break because I liked it so much and the novel was so fucking good and it's honest to God the best adaptation I've ever seen to the screen. It's so good I'm fucking sure I was crying actual tears after watching it for the first time because my dreams and all the feelings that book had given me over the years and the many re-reads were "true" and so well done and it reached deep into my heart.

And then, for the first time in six years, my words came back.

Another thing Good Omens has given me, I have to say.

I don't know if I can stress this enough, but just imagine spending six years of radio silence, sending longing stares to the void and hoping to see something yours returning back, something you've lost and you're not sure you're getting back, something you think you don't need or want but that would be nice to have again. If only. You can live without that something, and no one but you cares about it, and it's not that big of a deal and-

Then you see a spark in the dark.

My words came back.

They weren't in Spanish, and it was hard to manage them at first, only being able to listen to them in short bursts over long periods of time.

But they were my words and they were back.

Writing is still hard, and I have a lot of work to do to improve my skills, to get them not only back but to refine them because I'm not writing in my native language and all I know is what I've learnt from other authors and their knowledge. I project a lot on my projects -I don't intend to stop because it's such a relief, the biggest scape from reality I get by doing so; it helps me deal with my problems, it gives me a break and a way to take a breath when I can't keep going...

Fanfics are where I can say what I want to say to the world in the most honest way, and that allows me to be me, and to express myself and indulge in the fantasies I dream about without having to force myself to think of them over and over and over. I can just sit back and enjoy content I know I like without being judged for it.

I can fucking make that content, too.

Writing feels like home, even if sometimes I still struggle, if I can't find my words or the expression is not quite like that in English, or if I can't find the words or if I'm suffering a block... because there's nothing scarier and more free than a blank page ready to be written.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Kasumi/Hamuko Parallel post

I mean I’m not saying Kasumi is Hamuko reincarnated in Minato’s timeline, but I feel like it’s a very good possibility (considering MT’s lore and as well as possibly Persona’s). I mean again, it’d be REALLY SEXY if I was proven wrong with Adult!Hamuko showing up in P5S! REALLY SEXY ATLUS! ;w; (just watch and see me be right with both P5R and P5S, let’s hope not cause that’s giving me a headache just thinking about it haha ;w;). Anyway, this is mostly going to be a parallel post between Kasumi and Hamuko, both really freaking shallow to “hey those are some key character traits!” kinda stuff. I’ll organize it from newest release/info to oldest. So starting with PQ2 (prior to that I will open to why it’s perfect timing out of universe) and then P3P (during which I’ll talk about why the timing in universe is perfect too).

There will be spoilers of P5R BUT ONLY ones from a stream, which showed the first like 10 min of the game (the spoiler is that it confirms when a specific scene happens in game). There will be PQ2 spoilers tho so like....yeah 8U

(lowkey been trying to finish this since Cinderella’s announcement but better late than never and I wanted to at least get most of it done before P5S’ possible trailer tonight 8U)

Under the cut cause length and pics~!

So before with start with PQ2, I should say why this is perfect timing out of universe. PQ2 has just released, Hamuko is in the public’s head. Not only that but she was as important to the game as the main-main case (aka P5). Now would be the perfect time to release a new character who looks the same and has the same importance. I mean this wouldn’t be the first time they did it, they first did it with Arena-PQ1-Ultimax, with PQ1 having secret answers to Arena, and Ultimax later reaffirming these answers (I’ll keep it vague for those who have yet to play the, as I like to call it, “The Yasogami Labyrinth Trilogy.”) It could be that PQ2 was actually our Arena in a possible trilogy (with P5R being the PQ1 and P5S being our Ultimax, that’s just a theory tho, it could just be that this is a duology too 8U). But yeah this is why it feels like perfect timing if they wanted to make this twist. Now onto PQ2

PQ2 (might add more later):

Were to start is the real question, I’m kinda just going to list of things with pictures showing them. I’ll try to keep everything numbered to make it easier.

1) Both apparently first appear in the first arc which stars Kamoshida (Kasumi is stated to not introduce herself during that time, but we can still find her). Kasumi is around for Kamoshida, Hamuko is around with Kamoshidaaaaaman.

      a) Coincidentally enough, there is a little girl that appears in Kamoshidaaaaman’s trailer that looks A LOT like Kasumi. (which I dunno might also symbolize Hamuko, speculation on my end but I felt the female dinosaur kind of symbolized Yosukesaurus that we actually see in the movie so maybe it’s a parallel maybe not but I wanted to throw it out there), also if Kasumi’s life is anything like Cinderella (and trailer girl’s dad is dead from that impact), that means Hamu/Kasumi/Trailer girl both have their dads possibly not being around anymore:

2) Both technically have a magical girl connection, Kasumi mostly from her transformation and what the devs said....but Hamuko said something really interesting concerning the PT and Magical Girls:

3) (P5R first 10 min stream spoiler) Both are introduced into these two games via showing off how great fighters they are (even tho that’s not Kasumi’s chronological introduction to the audience because of the cold open, but it’s the first time we see her and it’s our first impression of her). 

4) I don’t care if I’ll repeat this below in the P3P thing, but yet again but PQ2 hinted at Hamuko’s big appitite again:

5) Hamuko’s Ult Persona, both in P3P (tho it’s not shown in the credits) and in PQ2 is Messiah. Considering she’s a savior, and Kasumi’s relationship with magical girls (who usually are the “saviors”).....shallow I know but there. 8U

6) A big one, PQ2 actually hints at reincarnation, it’s just a throwaway line but....it’s not the first time Persona’s had a throwaway line and then it ends up coming true (sometimes it’s happenstance and sometimes it’s on purpose). (I should also note, reincarnation is a big part of MT, it’s even in the title, so it’s def not something that’s off the table). And the reason I’m including this is because, it kinda hints that even if Hamuko is reincarnated Kasumi, they’d kinda still have their own identity and be a different person. 

7) Lastly (for now probably), Hamuko and Kasumi both end up “joining”/working with the PT at some point. I mean so does the rest of P3/4, but they really try to make Hamuko feel included, and she feels extra gung-ho about the whole thief thing. It’s a shallow/small one but I should include it anyway.

(the reason I might add more later is because I’m re-going through PQ2 to see if I pick up anything else, anyway onto P3P~!)

P3P:

Before listing their similarities, I want to explain what I meant by the timing being perfect for in-universe. The reason being, if Hamuko died around 1999, she’d probably be reincarnated into someone who was born around 2000, and people roughly in 2000 (minus the first 4 months) are....guess what? 1st years during P5 (Futaba and Yusuke have late birthdays fun fact). And considering Kasumi is a first year~! Yeah it’s perfect timing if they wanted to pull a reincarnation card. 

1) They.....they have the same face..... I’M NOT JOKING THEY HAVE THE SAME FACE! It’s not the hair style it’s the face man! ;w; Rough same eye shape and face shape (sadly their portraits usually have their faces not being the same portfolio but this is the closest we have):

2) The both have red eyes (which also look brown in some lighting). (I know some people want to say Hamuko has auburn hair for some gd reason even tho it’s pretty brown in a lot of artwork, but since that’s close to red and Kasumi has red hair like bonus points it seems if auburn is also a correct answer XP)

3) Both of their portraits like to have their eyes looking to the left (their perspective)/right (our perspective) area (the angle of their face differs tho):

4) Both have been said to be big eaters. Like Atlus is freaking advertising this about Kasumi like crazy man, but Hamuko has food and her big appetite tied to a loooooot of different events with P3P. Like Hamu being a hungry girl and loving her food is a very iconic trait to her (ironically it’s not really done to death in PQ2 unlike Chie’s meat or Aki’s protein klfjsadl;fja). 

5) Both have red as a main theme (like red eyes, red ribbon, red shoes/headphones 8U). It’s shallow but important!

6) Shallow but interesting thing I notice, there’s a lot of key design similarities between Fem!Orpheus and Kasumi’s PT outfit and Cinderella. The biggest being the vine embroidery and the same heart design. There’s also the fact Fem!Orpheus Picaro also has red hair and a black headpiece similar to Kasumi who has red hair (all the time) but a black ribbon, also both have a similar flower connected to them (red gloves and black fingers, former for Kasumi and the latter for Cindy, but I don’t think it’s as important as the heart/vine/flower similarity). 8U Other than that I’ll just show it in the picture below:

7) This one is part of a popular theory with Kasumi, and will possibly be debunked after P5R’s release but I do want to throw it out there. If the theory that Kasumi gets hit by a car in the rain (possibly during the fireworks festival), well..... That means they both have ties to car accidents. Just described what  might be Kasumi’s. Hamuko survived one 10 years prior to P3, and there’s two that happen in two separate events (she saves Yukari from a crazy driver almost hitting them), and I iirc Theo saves Hamu from a crazy driver). 

8) They have similar designed shoes (tho the promo art of Kasumi her shoes are different from the teaser so I dunno if it still counts) But it’s worth  mentioning since Atlus went out of their way to keep Yusuke’s shoes as a reference to the past Persona game school he was supposed to be a part of before they made Kosei (god I’m so sorry for that word salad, no I won’t fix it at least not now)...btw Yusuke’s are stated to be in reference to P3 it’s stated in the art book:

9) Kasumi’s maid outfit is much closer to P3′s(and P4) than it is to P5′s (aka the traditional black and white as opposed to P5′s red and white), it’s just odd that it’s not also red 8U:

10) Uhhhh this (I don’t care we’re look for the smallest details! >:D DX ;w; also I’m ok really I’m ok 8U ;w; orz):

11) Last thing, but interestingly enough they both are known to jump really high. It’s not stated as a big thing for Hamuko, you just see it in her critical and that’s pretty much it. But it is a big defining moment for Kasumi (remember she jumps high to get a kid’s balloon). They also both like to twist and twirl in the air (tho Hamu is just designated to her critical). Shallow I know but I want to throw it out there. 8U:

Seriously look at that air time!

I might add more to this section, because I feel like I’m forgetting something but flksdajf;akf I want to get this out. Before I end it I do want to add a few not completely related Hamu parallels (but I can still loop back around cause my mental gymnastics are top notch! Probably even better than Kasumi’s! 8U). First is Minato parallels, which via PQ2 we find out that he and Hamu are “basically the same person.” The similarities is that he and Kasumi both have the same type of sword, and both of their Personas have the same skin (I think Male!Orpheus’ face is the only “real part” and thus both have the same kind of skin), and OT and Cindy technically both have blue eyes. 8U Small but I wanted to mention those 3 things. The other is Mitsuru, fun fact between Hamu/Minty/Mitsuru/Kasumi they all seem to be honor students (or can be, Hamu/Minty it’s up to the player). But I now a lot of people think Kasumi’s red hair and it also being wavy remind them of Mitsuru more, almost like a sister? Kinda like:

RIP to Hamuko, the cockblock sister zone destroyed us all that day. We stand with you girl. 😔✊✊

So yeah I dunno how else to end it. They just have a lot of similarities ok? And some of them are very distinct design features. Of course, again, it’d be really sexy of you to prove me wrong with Adult!Hamuko in P5S Atlus. ;) Be really sexy of you to stop ignoring Hammy and P1/2 characters~! Oh it’d be such a shame if I was proven wrong and those two things happened instead. Oh whatever shall I do~! 8U

[gutvcr]

idk if this is a good question but i'm curious, whats your process like for coming up with ocs??

OOOOOH yes this is a great question thank you!!! Omg ok if you've known me for a while you know i'm RABID for preplanned game structure & player choice interacting to create stories beyond what either could imagine. So i'm very zealous about being conscious of tbe way my choices and the game's mechanics (i create the vast majority of my ocs as player characters for video games) will interact.

to that end, usually i'll start with a set of traits i think would be fun to play and work as the foundation for a new character. If its my first time playing a game i won't decide anything beyond the basics of their personality at that first step, and then of course with character design i'll work out their appearance (tho tbh a lot of them end up changing a little once they're more fleshed out as characters if the game allows that). I will also usually set up a very basic backstory.

THEN i play, and do a combination of finding and creating story. So like, ill follow the plotlines set by the game but pay active attention to how i think my character would react to them and what their motivations would be for getting from point A to point B - stuff the game doesnt explicitly decide for you. More in depth backstory and character details start appearing here.

As the character emerges i conform my gameplay to them as well. i get really into this! it is a massive part of how i play rpgs and why i love them. when i first played fallout 3 i literally wrote journals for my character, from her perspective/in her voice, for every day she lived. i deliberated over which items she'd loot from bodies and which she wouldn't. my fallout 4 character - a lesbian ex-housewife - carried the wedding rings, both hers and her deceased husband's, unequipped in her inventory. when she and piper were in love i had her give piper one to wear. ivory can confirm how unreasonably faithful i am to my characters' inclinations in fallen london, often even when it's to my own great inconvenience. etc

SO ..... that is how a character is born. they grow throughout the game. and this is still all for the first time i play the game, by the way; for later runthroughs i'll let myself be more creative, especially via spending less time actually playing main plots and more time, like, populating cardboard boxes in an abandoned trailer with clothes and supplies my courier would have accumulated there over her several-year mid-game self-imposed exile. things like that.

for ocs that aren't player characters (but are still from existing universes - i don't have any active original work rn) i will let myself be a little more lax n loose but those only really happen when i have a specific idea in mind for them already (eg to pair with my favorite canon character lmao)

[adecila]

Game of Thrones – 8x04 “The Last of the Starks” episode analysis – or who the fuck ever let D&D write stuff

You know I am pretty much like this dude here –

so I will be the woman to lead this ship or so help me all the old gods and the new.

Spoilers, d’uhh.

Aftermath - but everyone has their wardrobe on fleek, hair looking fab and they even had time to clean the entire field of Winterfell

The episode starts with the funeral pyre and how DARE you make me love Jorah even more and twist the knife in my heart. And did you have to show me Theon, Beric, Edd’s and Lyanna’s bodies??? 

RUDE.

Jon is doing a big speech and it is nice and drove the sobbing further, but I get it this is Jon’s turf so he has to be the one making the big speech. That is such a Dany thing though, and I can’t help to think, when put into perspective with the rest of the episode, that it’s yet again a thing Dany has lost. But more on that later. 

The pyres are lit, sad music, more sobbing from me. OOOPS BUT DID YOU CATCH THAT JONERYS EXCHANGE OF LOOKS? Because I did! I can’t help but think how he looks at her for reassurance and she feels it and she turns and she is just.so.broken. And then she cries and I cry again. 

A feast for crows the survivors 

And then we get a feast and suddenly everyone is happy and stuff… ok, I guess life goes on. Maybe Sandor’s crass remark, under the guise of a funny moment, was meant to make us think on it. But maybe that’s too deep for D&D who the fuck knows. 

Let’s talk about Gendry’s legitimisation. 

Dany does it quite publicly, and small exchange between her and Tyrion makes sense. Honestly, if she hadn’t done it herself then and there, it would have come up at a later point, but with 2 episodes left there’s no time. S.ansa does her shady looks because she throws shade and Bran just stares into the void smh. 

In which I am the Hound unimpressed and eating his chicken. 

Davos x Tyrion

The Lord of Light fucked off into the sunset when he saw D&D’s piss poor writing and honestly same. He probably fucked off when he saw Melisandre was still getting his prophecies wrong. 

Every time S.ansa comes into frame my soul leaves my body a bit more because whY THO. 

Tyrion x Bran the 3ER

Cool beans Bran, that’s how you use you abilities? OMG JOJEN FUCKING DIED FOR YOU–

“I mostly live in the past now” - to me this means Bran has become this empty shell of a man and he just visits the past and checks out cool shit. It’s like a kid who gets access to YouTube for the first time. Heck he can even see his dad or whoever else he misses if he feels anything at all now. Because if he doesn’t even have “wants” then? What was the point of it all? God I swear the writers will not rest until they will have reduced all characters to tropes and empty shells of their former selves.

Tormund and the gang around Jon; Tyrion with Jaime ; Dany alone

This scene right here was the beginning of the end. Remember when Tormund was a dude who was in awe by strong women? D&D don’t. He suddenly is so far up Jon’s ass nothing could take him out. Guess it pays off for him in the end since Jon just gifts him Ghost.

S.ansa just fucking stop OMG PLEASE STOP WITH THE FUCKING LOOKS JFC.

But where was Missandei??? Why was Dany alone? And what the fuck was that look, VArYs?? Someone give Dany a hug because my god the isolation is real. Fuck. STOP. TAKING. EVERYTHING. FROM HER.

Never have I ever… thought the writers would stoop so low but here we are

So it’s all fun and games until it isn’t. 

Poor Tormund. Jaime never deserved Brienne and that’s a fact. 

And the mystery of Willa, the sassy Northern girl has been solved! Bless!!!

SanSan, but with more misogynistic undertones than you ever thought

Yeah you know what, I am not touching this scene. Fuck D&D for daring to say that.

Gendrya - or the moment Gendry decided to pull a Ted Mosby 

I feel so bad OMG they did this ship so dirty. However. Arya saying that was expected. But I call bullshit on her never rethinking her decision. Girl’s got a list and she just can’t NOT try to finish it, I mean, wouldn’t you? After you killed such a big boss as the NK? 

At the same time, they would be trying for faux feminism, pulling a Arya doesn’t need a man to be happy. Guess the sex was just to try it? Wow can you believe they cheapened this ship and that beautiful moment like that? 

I’m so sorry babies, you deserved much better. Guess Gendry was always meant to have his heart broken by a Stark girl once he became a Baratheon. Wow. 

Weirdly enough!!! And spoiler maybe?? Leak? Idk. But I feel like Gendrya will prevail (also because she looks heartbroken to reject him like that…). When asked if Gendrya will rule the 7K, Friki said no, these two aren’t made for ruling anything. For what’s worth, Friki mentioned he does know Arya’s endgame and shebis confirmed alive in the Dragon Pit in 8x06 :)

Oathsex

Uff yeah I did not like that. It felt wrong in the context and it felt cheap and I…. yeah IDK. And then Jaime leaves. He could have at least told Brienne that he is he only one who can kill Cersei or IDK, but not leave her like that. Jeesh dude my poor Knight, she is gutted by him. 

Jonerys makeout and chat and hey who wanted angst? Turn on your location I just wanna chat. 

Sooo flip side: I somehow, for the second time, predicted a thing in my fic. HOWEVER D&D keep only getting half my fics because GURL DID YOU NOT GET THE SMUT MEMO? AND THE FLUFF MEMO?

So Dany goes to find Jon, again, who is tipsy, and Jon suddenly remembers to give Dany some comfort for having lost Jorah… 

The set up for Dany saying ILY it’s a bit .. ehh. But her actual words: “He loved me, but I couldn’t love him back, not the way he wanted it. Not the way I love you. Is that alright?” 

A+ scene. I love how he can’t help himself and as soon as she is in his arms’ range he just pulls her into him, BEFORE she asks “Is that alright?”. 

Uff emo side note here, this scene and this phrase reminded me of this song. Listen and sob. you’re welcome.

On that depressive note, wow that make out tho. Two things I learned from this scene: 1 - Jon is horny drunk, which same; and 2 - Jon is a tiddies guy like he dove in and went for the tiddies, which also same. Am I Jon? Is this why I keep guessing his fucking reactions but D&D won’t give me the rest????? We’ll never know.

And… then Jon stops and pulls back. And I KNOW that in the BTS we are told he is disgusted or whatever along those lines, but to me?? That look means he is CONFLICTED. And listen, if y’all wanted it to make it to mean "disgusted" then you should have made Kit do it differently since YOU KNOW HE WAS FAKE GAGGING TO EMILIA EVERY OTHER MINUTE. YOU CAN’T KEEP ADDING SHIT LATER YOU FUCKING DUMBASSES YOU EITHER PUT IT IN THE ACTUAL  SHOW AND THE ACTUAL ACTING OR STFU.

But I guess to me that rejection was more for the general audience than for us. C’mon he clearly loves her, his dick was so hard he was about to nut then and there. Stop bringing your 21st century considerations into a feudalistic fantasy where you have Royals and dragons. Also FUCK YOU VARYS BECAUSE EVEN IN THE NORTH AUNT AND NEPHEW MARRIED SO FUCK YOU BALDIE.

I digress. Then Dany echoes what Jon himself thinks/said - wishing she would have never known. And then we get something that I felt when she was alone and sad at the feast. “I saw the way they looked at you. I know that look; the same way people looked at me, but never on this side of the sea” - yeah so I need a break.

This here - cemented for me what I think the show is doing: stripping everything away from Dany: her armies, her children, her people and the love her people have for her… then Jon. And I don’t mean that as in the sense of some bullshit fleak. No, I mean it in the context of this episode. Because Jon never says I love you back (and maybe @normalisjustafairytale is right and Jon is afraid to say it after Ygritte), and he rejects her, and he says he can’t NOT tell his sisters, even if Dany begs him not to. So in a sense, for now at least, Jon is being taken away from her. So you have all this isolation and losing and losing and then what does she have left? The only constant in her life? The fucking Iron Throne. Because at the moment there is nothing else for her and she probably feels like she will be nothing without it. Hence why she presses to go and take Cersei down. I won’t lie to you, it is cheap writing and very lame and honestly I have read fics a million times better than this bullshit, but they will, at one point, hit us with the boatie reveal, and when that happens, and when Jon fucking finally pulls through and stands by her side, she will have something else, a different constant in life. Moreover, because she realises that the people here in Westeros will never love her, she will have even more of a reason to bow out, say a big fuck you, take her boatie and her hubs and get to her house with the red door. 

This is not just wishful thinking, it is very much D&D, and they will of course “humble the powerful woman” (I puked in my mouth by writing that). But also, my consolation is that with this episode, heck even the people who weren’t necessarily her fans, are on her side and asking her to burn KL down. Which I don’t think she would, but more on that in a different post. God this post is already long.

*bathroom break*

BAck. Then Dany echoes what I also said in my fic ugh I hate myself what we all know and are thinking: it doesn’t matter if Jon doesn’t want it; it matter that there are people out there (fucking S.ansa jfc this fucking UGGHDGugduzdahidfg) who don’t like Dany and will support Jon immediately over her. She is right and he is stupid for not seeing it. 

I guess I also got my bending the knee from my fic. Kinda. FUCK.ME.

I cannot believe that my Queen had to BEG him and Jon had to be so naive. BOY DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE LESSON FROM YOUR FATHER? Two can keep a secret is one of them is dead, Jonno. Did you not watch Pretty Little Liars??? Why the fuck do you think Ned Stark didn’t tell his wife?? LMAO she would have sold him just like S.asnsa blabbed on you, guess the J___sas were right, it was a bit of a Ned x Cat parallel, probably Cat would have sold Ned also in a fucking instant. Dany is absolutely right. This shit cannot be contained because you don’t know how people would react to it. 

“She’s not the girl you grew up with” … BOOM.

I love how he cradles her face into his hands MY FUCKING HEART MY HEART.

Pause. The part where she begs remind me of this traumatic moment:

… fuuuuck. Anyway.

And I love how she turns the tables on him. But Jon… is still Jon for plot reasons I guess. Maybe he didn’t understand why Ned had to keep the secret for so many years. 

The end of the Northern plot - BYE NO ONE WILL MISS YOU

The Starks can choke. They are cancelled. 

Yeah no. Bye. Fuck S.ansa or Sandra, who the fuck this OOC shitty ass character is. Fuck every single one of them. Wow, emotional manipulation at its finest. I just love how they basically called this episode the last of the Starks because they just character assassinated all of them. Edit: LMAO you know what this is? The shitty family that pulls over one member and tries to break him up with his wife, for the sole reason they don't like her. Because fuck their brother's happiness. Because they are fucking selfish people.  

Jaime x Tyrion x my headache

Let’s add to the list of cancelled people Jaime and Tyrion just for that fucking chat.

“I will pay you double” ex machina, and that’s how the Bronn issue is solved. Just as Friki said, btw. 

Arya x The Hound

So I guess Arya just fucking lies through her teeth now smh, since she was guilt trippig JON JUST MOMENTS AGO and she just up and leaves BECAUSE FUCK FAMILY I GUESS 

Tyrion is suddenly afraid of Dany so I guess we are supposed to excuse Sandra’s petty shady jealous ass 

Sandra is fucking jealous and insane. Littlefinger will be proud. Her face though. This fucking bitch doesn’t like that he is a Targaryen LMFAO she is scheming so hard bahahahahah

She is fucking cancelled. They murdered her character the moment they took her out of the Vale. FIGHT ME ON THIS I FUCKING DARE YOU.

Jon x Tormund x Ghost - say your goodbyes

Hey hey hey so that line where Jon belongs in the North? The real North, which for Tormund is North of the Wall since he calls Winterfell the South? Guess where those waterfalls from 8x01 are?

Jon is the worst dog owner KILL ME.

Fucking Sam Tarly

Jon was like yeah no don’t name your kid after me. Interesting how he could tell from a hug that Gilly was pregnant. Hope Dany starts showing soon *wink wink boatie is still coming*

The IT or Southern plot

Tyrion x Varys

I cannot wait for Varys to die. Like, he is spewing inaccurate information and then, he is suddenly against Dany and suddenly only Jon is a war hero. Just because he has a dick. Fuck D&D and their sexist asses Also VArys keeps talking about the realm LMAO YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I see kings dying all around you, and the only constant it’s you. Who is the problem, I wonder? 

Euron ex machina

Makes no fucking sense. But I guess nobody cares anymore.

Yeah I screamed when Rhaegal died. And I screamed again with Dany.

I guess Dany couldn’t just fly behind Euron’s ship and roast them all for plot reasons. 

Dragonstone mess

Fuck you, Varys. And fuck you, Tyrion. Not you, Greyworm, ILY *hugs tightly*

BONUS: FUCK YOU JAIME FUUUUUCK YOU FOR LEAVING BRIENNE LIKE THAT. BYE BITCH GOOD RIDDANCE.

King’s Landing mess & the shitty ass parley that even Captain Sparrow could have organised better

Ew how much time has it passed since Cersei is already claiming to be preggers? 

“So much for the breaker of chains” - is again, a sign they are trying to strip Dany of everything she has and is. 

Tyrion and Qyburn - ew, but also Qyburn has a point, why would Cersei surrender? Oh and I think the point to save Rhaegal from the NK only for him to die at the hands of Euron is to further handicap Dany and make the Cersei threat real, and have a reason to keep Drogon away from KL - HAVE YOU ALL SEEN THE SCORPIONS EVERYWHERE?

Ugh Tyrion stop trying to get Cersei to love you LMFAO she doesn’t. But I know, it is hard to break from toxic relationships and abusers. Tyrion told Cersei “you are not a monster” and she literally went “HOLD MY BEER”.

Missandei’s death made me sick to my stomach and traumatised me for life. We should all collectively agree to NEVER give D&D our attention again and never let them write anything again. 

Missandei hatefully spewing DRACARYS as her last words was so strong it made me start crying because holy shit this was a peaceful person, and for her to show this much hate and rage was so gutting…  fuck me. I am crying again. I think she also meant, besides from the obvious, “there is no reasoning with these people, so why bother. Might as well blow it the fuck up.”

And Grey’s reaction wow - again, I was about to puke, despite the scene not being the most gorey on GoT, but it was so intrinsically and viscerally wrong my mind could not deal. 

In conclusion

Poor Dany, she has lost everything. EVERYTHING. She is literally at her lowest. After the discussion with Jon, she slipped back the Queen mask - like you can pinpoint the moment she does so! And she keeps it on in front of everyone else but her dragons.

I am expecting a very very cold (but very fragile inside) Dany in 8x05. I am expecting her to push Jon away. Oh and at the ending of 8x04 she totally just gets up on Drogon and goes back to Dragonstone. No way she does anything yet so soon.

I haven’t watched any of the BTS and Making of videos, nor have I watched the 8x05 promo. Will do soon.

Stay strong, jonerys is still going strong. I am here until the very end and I still think this will end with jonerys together. Will it be good writing? Nope. But it will end well. As I keep saying. We’re missing the “sweet” in this fucking “bittersweet” shit show. Stop saying it ends badly because of 8x03.

If you need me, you know where to find me. Image of me in the fandom. Except I charge nothing.

Oh and PS: FUCK D&D.

[blookmallow]

I FINALLY GOT SKYRIM MARRIED

i have a BEAUTIFUL WIFE

...who i went through a lot of shit for. this is. a lot of exposition, bear with me :’) im very invested in my character’s personal story here

so astrid had a very important special job for me and sent me to markarth to speak with the client directly

it turned out to be the apothecary’s assistant, who i was passingly familiar with already, so i imagine it was a bit of a surprise to both of us, but she got right to the point - a man broke her heart and ruined her life, used her to hurt the people close to her, abandoned her to go become a bandit, now she wants him dead

u can probably imagine where this is going,

this is the first time ive had a dark brotherhood job i was legitimately PSYCHED to carry out, you BET ill go fuck this guy up for you id do this for free

however, she also had... another request, one that wasn’t required, but something she really, really wanted

see she was very close with/practically another daughter to the shatter-shields in windhelm, the wealthy family who recently lost a daughter to the windhelm butcher

alain had manipulated her and used her to get to the shatter-shields, i dont remember if he stole from them or what happened there, but whatever it was, the shatter-shields blamed muiri for this and disowned her, throwing her out onto the streets with nothing

so she was used and had her heart broken by a man she loved, then was told it was Her Fault, and lost her home and her friends/the closest thing to family she had all at once, and was so hurt and desperate she turned to the dark brotherhood to get revenge on them all

she wanted me to kill nilsine too, the shatter-shields’ other daughter

SO we have this really complicated situation where, on the one hand, she wants alain dead for using her and ruining her life and hurting her friends, and like, he’s a bandit leader now, so he’s someone i probably would’ve easily killed off anyway, by “this is a video game not real life”/skyrim standards that’s a no brainer, i have no moral conflict with that and can’t wait to slash this guy’s head off

but on the other hand she’s so broken she wants a woman who used to be her best friend/practically her sister dead too. i dont know what nilsine’s role in this was specifically but these people were essentially her family, and they victim blamed her when she needed their support the most and threw her out with nothing and nowhere to go

and i had already done quests with the shatter-shields before this, so like, i know them too, and they’re sort of friends to me, i helped solve the mystery of their other daughter’s murder and now I’m being asked to kill the other. not to mention everyone’s going to think the butcher’s back/there’s a copycat killer/something and it’s gonna cause a panic again (even if the game doesn’t acknowledge that/directly show that happening, y’know) 

killing someone’s daughter when they’re still in mourning over the first, when they’ve come to trust you, when you’re the one who helped them gain closure over that first death already, is just. a stone cold thing to do

especially looking at it from my character’s perspective, she’d be especially torn on this because she’s a mother herself, but her children are girls she rescued from the streets - lucia was thrown away by her family, sofie was a victim of tragedy and was let down by the people in authority who should have protected and helped her

so medea would relate to tova as a mother and a friend but also relate powerfully with muiri as a victim in this

ultimately i don’t think there’s any real justification to kill nilsine here, i dont think you can really morally defend that, but. i was so drawn to muiri and wanted so badly to give her a shot at a better life and help her heal from all this, and knew she would become a marriage option if i did it bc id seen her name on the marriage options list before, her story fits in so well with medea’s, and like, i dont imagine im gonna have a lot of options for wives who would Know about my connection to the dark brotherhood/the things ive done and be okay with it, so if i went with her, there wouldn’t be a “keeping this horrible secret from my wife” aspect to deal with even though the game probably doesn’t acknowledge it if you do (i mean im still. keeping it from my kids, but. y’know. when they’re older)

and “talk this out with her and help her see how badly her mind’s been warped by the pain she’s been through” isn’t an option given to you, so

in the end i went through with it. killing alain was easy, just like any other bandit camp raid, but to get at nilsine without being caught, i had to sneak into their house when the family was asleep

which i expected would involve a lot of careful sneaking and laborious lock picking

until i realized i could just walk right in

because the door was already unlocked for me. because they consider me a friend and allow me into their home

and that somehow made it so much worse

i killed nilsine with an arrow, nobody heard a thing, and i ran for it before anyone saw me in there or realized what had happened

muiri gave me a special ring as a “symbol of her affection” for doing this, which i think is about the biggest sign i coulda hoped for lmao

i held off on considering marriage for the time though and finally decided i had to go back to windhelm to see if there was anything i could do to make amends to the shatter-shields even though they shouldn’t know it was me/make sure i didnt get seen by a guard without realizing it or something (though it wouldn’t probably matter anyway, guards saw me leave the orphanage immediately after grelod’s death and shrugged that off, so,)

my name’s still clear in windhelm, but...

tova committed suicide after she discovered what happened

she couldn’t cope with losing another daughter

so now the father is the only one left, coping with. the death of his entire family occurring within like a couple months

i didnt see what happened here i came back later so i dont know if this is something you can possibly stop or if its possible to witness the moment they find nilsine or tova’s suicide or if this just Inevitably happens whenever you come back

i feel terrible about this but theres. not really any going back now,

so. i went back to muiri

i dont know if this is what everyone says or not but her response was just. “i mean, yeah, why wouldn’t I be” i love her lmao

i wouldnt choose to get married in riften if it was up to me but thats how it be in skyrim i guess

my babies are here!!!! what!!!!

and a. random guy i dont recognize lmao :’)

just wandered in to see what was going on i guess. or maybe we’re friends and i forgot who he is entirely which would be kind of sad :’ )

maybe it was my long lost father... slipped out before i ever had the chance to realize it

however i actually. ended up doing this scene twice because, fun fact, there’s a glitch where if you don’t manage to catch up to your spouse to talk about where to live before they leave the chapel they can just fucking Disappear sometimes, :’  ) i couldnt find her anywhere after the wedding and finally looked it up and apparently she just fell into the void so i had to reload and run it again. we’re double married now

planned better this time and dressed better but anyway that elf guy didn’t appear this time but some other guy did, who i ALSO cant quite identify, he looks. maybe. kind of like lucas valerian? who is actually a friend to me and was one of the first friends i made so it’d decently make sense for him to come to my wedding, but weird if he came and camilla didn’t, and im not even sure thats him anyway, so i dont know what happened here all around

muiri’s mentor lady came too though which was sweet

im spinning this kind of as... like, medea was so drawn to her and felt so strongly for her she couldn’t bring herself to disappoint her and this was an eye opener for them both as a kind of. “look what kind of people we’ve let ourselves become” and their marriage as a new beginning, love coming from a place of desperation and darkness, starting over and hoping that the divines will forgive what they’ve done

medea’s not leaving the brotherhood but i mmmmmight try to be a little more careful about who i kill

i had intended for her to come live with me in markarth, she’s in on my. assassin life so having kind of this Other Side to my life made sense but... she met my kids at the wedding i guess and she wanted to live with them... which is really cute,

it feels really weird having this huge fancy house all to myself (and uh. argis, i guess) in markarth and having my wife and kids (and lydia, and a fox) all squished into the honestly kinda run-down whiterun house though i think im gonna work on getting the solitude house for them bc its. safer there than in markarth i feel like and ive heard thats like the fanciest/biggest house

there she is..... my Wife

she also sells things now but i feel bad accepting it when she gives me “my share” of the profit like.... babe thats your money i have so much adventuring money and i didnt do shit to help earn that,

i buy things from her sometimes but i refuse to sell her stuff bc i dont want to take any more of her money :’ )

even tho it. doesnt really matter, its video games, i know, but

found lucia, the fox, and muiri all on the bed at once

lydia was just standing like this for a rly long time after muiri moved in i guess she was suspicious but chilled out eventually :’)

gettin along finally

i just realized if we move to solitude lydia’s gonna get left behind though :(

i mean ill still come visit her but. upsetting

my one issue is that muiri still keeps saying “thank you for solving my-....problem.” every time i come in speaking distance of her which is. weird given that its the same line she had before we were married, like, she apparently doesnt get any new things to say, and is Really repetitive (imagine living in a small space with your partner and they say the same sentence with the same intonation every time you step within like 2 feet of them. how long til that gets old, do you think, ) and also its just like??? girl let that go we gotta stop dwelling on this or the kids are gonna start questioning what apparently massively important problem mommy solved

idk why she was laying on the floor but anyway my kids have started calling her “mama” now too and im not crying or anything

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

So i’ve been looking around for footage of demo players looking at/attacking the purple rocks/crystals/eridium(?) we see around in the gameplay demos. I’m aware of the 2 in the beginning area, one in the area you reclaim with lorelei (the base with rhys’s hologram pad), and the one right before gigamind. trying to find more in case there’s more ~fancy shit~ inside them like the ones on Eden-6.

So far, rn, I have pictures of the e3 eden-6 Moze gameplay and the zane coop Joltzdude gameplay one (the one by gigamind). i'm trying to find a connection between all these things and literally all i’ve got is different colored (??) glowy purple rocks

so not really much to go on.

green

red

Also we get a special tool later on to break said glowy rocks that appears to be a melee override only for that interaction.

if the tool is by a corporation or alien in origin, i don’t know for certain. i like to think it’s atlas because of the color scheme and the triangle shapes, but that might just be because i like atlas (also, anyone else realize it’s possible this may be the one melee weapon the devs said would be in the game? ... aw man...)

It could just be alien in origin though, i don’t know for certain. i could be missing inscriptions or smth since my monitor is bad tm. Given what we know about Eridian weapons though im inclined to say it isn’t... mostly bc the holoblades we see guardians use in bl1 are strictly blue/purplish and the weapons we see them use in tps are always solid (AFAIK).

mmm im also considering zer0′s sword tech as an option, like the whole bit where they’re like ‘monomolecular edge’ and are able to cut straight thru a maliwan wall/shield. that seems a bit too... quick?? like we go thru all this trouble for a single sword upgrade, give it to zer0, then we’re done with it all after gigamind?

like... from a writing perspective we probably could’ve just knocked down the wall to gigamind using a cyclone or explosives or whatever. walked in through the front entrance. i mean we’re Vault Hunters for crying out loud, death and destruction is almost literally our middle names. that’s practically chekov’s monomolecular edge upgrade.... you get the point. the tech could (and should) totally come back into play. 

And i mean we’re probably not actually using Zer0′s sword itself, since that’d be weird for zer0, but the idea that Rhys helps us use that new tech to build a gauntlet to break those rocks? yeah i could get behind that. we know we talk to rhys in person about a vault at one point and we know Zer0 is present when we do. and yeah it could’ve just been a set up to talk to/introduce katagawa, but i don’t see why they can’t do both at once.

and i am wondering if the stuff embedded in the crystals themselves is eridian tech? shards? or something. hear me out, like maybe the color (green, red) is based off planet origin, given eden-6 has the glowing green and promethea has the glowing red. or it could be elementally-based, given what we know about sirens/Vault Monsters. Mostly think they’re eridian because of the rocks/walls we’ve seen in ruins with glowing inscriptions in 1 and 2, and TPS w/ tycho’s ribs/eleseer and the sentinel and even the traveler in tales. Like the sentinel changes color based on element and the traveler changes colors when it goes to teleport.

tycho’s ribs. you can see more crystals here as well.

eleseer and the giant crystal you walk into to enter the Vault.

sentinel changing color based on element

the traveler. tho they’re more crystally than the others, maybe the traveler is more ancient? it seems more sentient, like... it laughs and emotes and stuff so maybe the older Vault Monsters were built off sentient beings (like the Warrior) while the ‘newer’ ones (the Sentinel) are mostly tech? idk, just spitballing here lol

it does lowkey make me wonder if Sirens are meant to be Vault Guardians and that’s why we’ve seen a disproportionate number of them throughout the games. i mean that’d tie into the theory that Siren powers and Vault Monster powers are intertwined, although the only example I have of this is Lilith and the Traveler so... the better theory is the Sirens and the Lost Legion Eternal are intertwined bc that actually makes sense...

anyway magic rocks. we see some of them in tycho’s ribs and a huge one we move thru in eleseer, but the way they vaporize on contact with the new melee weapon in bl3 makes me wonder if it actually is Eridium Eridium or some weird Eridium (not-Eridium?) that isn’t the kind we see on Pandora. Maybe it’s not activated or something, i don’t know. it’s clear somehow refined eridium is still relevant in bl3 despite hyperion not refining it anymore (and the absence of slag) since it’s literally everywhere whenever you kill an enemy, so take that as you will. 

also, it could simply be the tool we use making it vaporize and shit instead of it inherently being like that. tho i don’t understand the reasoning behind vaporizing this very precious material. but im mostly curious why eridium is now suddenly appearing across the planets/galaxy. open first vault on pandora, eridium appears on pandora. open second vault on pandora eridium appears... everywhere else? and we know it was present on elpis before the opening of the warrior vault on pandora, but if that is because of it’s connection to pandora or other reasons, like it’s vault being weird, im not sure. 

furthermore, there could be eridium on promethea because the first vault has been opened. damn you tales for making me uncertain if this was atlas’s doing or Typhon’s! and we see one of typhon’s logs on eden-6, though we’re not allowed to hear what it says yet in the demo, so it’s possible he’s also opened the Vault on eden-6. if it’s him doing the vault openings, anyway. im so curious what the difference is between pandora’s eridium and the purple crystals on the other planets. how come theirs sprouted with cool shit inside and ours didn’t? fuck that maaaaan.

overall, im just very curious as to what’s inside the crystals. there is 100% something there, we’re not breaking them into purple powder for nothing. Moze even says something like “im breaking you out!” when attacking the rock during the gameplay demo so... she must’ve been talking about whatever [the green thing] is inside. we neeeeed it and it’s apparently more important than raw eridium. which is a doozy considering it is (was?) a fairly precious commodity

it would be neat if we were going around collecting the distributed pieces and reassembling them to create a big boy Vault Defender to stop the twins. but i highly doubt it. hear me out. it’s gotta be something important right? so im betting it’s some kind of gear or upgrade for our characters. maybe even some lore. but nothing huge. my reasoning is that it doesn’t appear to be a main quest objective. if anything, it seems like a crew challenge. i thought maybe it could be tannis’s but i thought hers would be the eridian logs (then i realized this is just glorified ECHO logs, so prob not) , or the Typhon Deleon logs. but it’s possible she has more than one.

and imagine someone ignores all the purple crystals throughout their playthrough. i really doubt right before the last mission of the game, they’d be like alright kids, go back and break every single crystal with these glorified brass knuckles for fun times!! because that sounds miserable. odds are they’re introduced in some way, and we get the gauntlet, and then we gotta break a few for a quest or two, then the rest are optional for unique gear/skins or upgrades or lore or smth.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

some random numbers: 1, 3, 6, 15, 23, 31, 35, 40. give me ur ungodly long answers.

lmaooo YES brevity whom......i cannot be concise

1) favorite videos?

i sure spent 2010 - 2014 enjoying youtube horror interpersonal-drama series marble hornets, those are a good time. and here in the future you and i both know there is just a wellspring of wrol-related Video Content out there, god damn, i really love so many of them.....in between that there’s sure been a lot of fun and funney videos and like, some Artistique ones i like to revisit [or have disappeared :( ] but i always like to promote this Wuthering Heights one. i love it. oh lol!!!! and the uh, Skate 3 Glitch compilations!!! so so funny

3) favorite memes?

i think Deep Fried Memes are fun all the time lol. the Youtube Meme of “___ but ____” is a lot of fun OH YEAH steamed hams was awesome too. the 24601 Releases A Sammich On Parole ytp is priceless......this is just turning into favorite videos again lmao. vine as a meme and a whole

6)favorite mixes?

you know i never really made or used playlists lol!!!! i will just be like, in the mood for certain songs or else like “i want to listen to music but....which ones”.....i say i can never be concise and all of these answers turning out short lol. it’s not b/c i’m Concise but b/c like, i don’t know what Favorites i have and i don’t have a memory that works without Direct Reminders of Specific Things so i’m just failing to like, come up with the info in the first place smh

15) favorite fictional characters?

here we go lol i can answer this one cuz when i have a fave rave it’s rare and like, easier to remember cuz i do not Go Hard about it that often.....weirdly for the first few years of The Decade i did’t really have such certain faves.....i was def enjoying some characters, as i always do, but nothing like super standout. then in ‘11 or ‘12 or whatever i was like oh hey, ed from cowboybeboy.......and then just had like, the solo experience of me humoring myself w/ that. bit of an usual one b/c a lot of the characters i Really latch on to will tend to be kinda roughly similar in ways that maybe seem pretty at-first-glance levels of obvious, buuut idk she’s not That far off from my usual selections i guess lol. anyways then in 2014 i was like, time to go ham for lars. what a valuable time it was....what Fun we had.....truly tho! and then another interval later it’s 2016 and for similarly (relatable characters of roughly the same cut) i was like, well here i am having a great time re: kip, all while getting to generously use of my fave shade of blue and fangs central and all that fun stuff. and then another interval later the Eventual Unfolding of what started innn 2017 i guess occurs, and it’s late 2018, and i’m like, time to look into Jared Kleinman b/c just from reading the wikipedia summary that didn’t mention him all that much i could tell this was probably a character i’d go ham for for predictable reasons, and the vague interest in that has stuck with me for the past little-over-a-year......and then i was Completely right lol. deh? well that’s just Bonus Jared Lore, to me (though of course alana in her own right is a great and similarly underappreciated character. rights)....and then of course i’ve had a lot of fun with pretty much each and every Wrol Role lmao.......Very fond of jeremy, and also christine, and bmc just has really enjoyable and interesting characters all over the place. and of course, here i am, Extremely #about winston quantbillions as another certified fave rave, really. call it classic!!!

[[answered both 23 and 31 prior, actually.....words were typed....]]

35)a random memory you remember with strange clarity?

tough one because lol a fair amount of “you recorded this memory in a fair amount of detail” is due to increased levels of unpleasantness / stress / discomfort, and if it’s also “i remember this b/c it was Nice” then i wouldn’t call that Strange clarity lol, and Random Memory like “just pull one up from the ol memory bank” is like, god, i wish it were that simple........but give me a min.

oh yeah i had a High Time of it when pokemon go came out (only pokemonn game i have ever played lol) coz there was like, this stretch of Landmarks stops that started at this garden and went along this waterfront / connected park forrr maybe like a half mile stretch? ideal territory and people would actually like, come from out of town to partake in it lol. and i’d Download podcast eps on my phone from my work’s wifi and just like, in the evening listen to that or music and just like, walk and do this shit. i had like five or six gyaradoses at one point cuz i guess the riverside nature of it meant they wanted to throw all these magikarp at you (there Were carp, also! one of the parks had a koi pond.) and like, there were just all these people around doing it along with you, even that late at night and in the early AM hours, so it was fairly social even if u weren’t there with a group or talking with anyone (though there was Camaraderie like, oh hey just so you guys know, there is a ____ over by the boat.) and it was just an interesting Walk with several things to look at and routes to take. and one time in a weird Dead Of Night time like 1am there was this like, smallish cruise ship docked that actually Set Off. and like, a bunch of us randos were just standing there and watching this unfold. this isn’t a very good Clear Random Memory but if i tried to think of a good one, god only knows how long it’d take me lol

40)an important personal revelation?

oh jeez this has really been a decade with lots of the unfortunate combo of “stuff that is a bummer but also boring” lol.......a benefit of getting to spend more time than not Away From The Parents’ House was like, oh sweet, having this perspective for long enough finally leads me to the conclusion of why i hate this......B/c It Is Bad. oh yeah and then there was also conclusively figuring out early in the decade like oh right, i’m trans, that makes sense.......other layers of Gayassedness like oh, more specifically i’m nonbinary, oh yeah and like, i’m not straight, call that queer and/or bi and/or also Gay......bein grey ace like a champ, and aromantic like, oh yeah i’m not like, fucking up at being a person somehow and Letting People Down by not wanting to date them (i mean besides rando cishet men. they can be let down regardless).....and just like, this ongoing process of getting the space to b figuring out myself and what i like For myself in alll kinds of ways....even up till now with the “oh yeah ive been a theatre gay all my life lmaooo” bit that’s like, totally obvious but just like, i didn’t much have the reason to even look at the would-be obvious stuff from the right perspex till now. and it’s pretty fun to realize a Lifelong Area Of Big Interest like that, cuz those sorts of things can feel elusive. and then also unfortunately a lot of the decade has involved like, “oh my self-esteem is so fucked that it’s circling back around and i’m appreciating and valuing myself and that i deserve decent treatment and Not bad shit,” which was a crappy process obviously lol but it was nice when i did start to get there, and making further progress on that front. im not dead certain when i was like “hmm...am autistic” b/c that was definitely a really ongoing process of figuring that out lol, but when / as i did it’s definitely a series of “oh hahaha this is why i’m like This or why i do This or feel like This about This!!” and it’s really easy to learn a totally Brand New Thing all the time abt bein autistic where it’s like Oh #Me!! coz yknow. the info By and For autistic ppl is not always widely available and known of. love that for us