#it keeps coming back to the ideals
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Gen obsessed with how.. *dead* your Jason's color pallete is. Like, that's corpse pale right there. Not a spec of blood left flowing in there (also father Todd's skin being full of color in comparison is a nice touch)

THANK YOU I love making him look a bit ghoulish. Guy who's not supposed to be alive but yes he is. no he isn't <3
#DC#DC Comics#Jason Todd#Red Hood#Jaybin#Robin ii#Art by me#Asks#I know vitamin D doesn't affect your skin colour BUT the easiest way to get it is sunlight which does ik nobody is bothered by this but me#But I have OCD. so you're getting clarification anyways 👍#Jason's way of saying if you spend too much time underground it's going to start wanting to keep you there 😁#I do think he bleeds normally and has a heartbeat and all that because he's not Dead. Alive? Well no also. He's likeboth at once and neithe#I think his physical state should be full of inconsistencies. you can't see his breath in cold weather but you can if he smokes etc.#There's also appeal to him coming back looking completely normal I do love mundane horror but#His death was important both in and out of universe and it altered things irreversibly so I think he can be a little Off as a treat#Also it adds to the misery that he's the same person like he died and came back the same person internally he's himself but#to others he looks and acts and is offputting he's Jason but Wrongg. Except not really#Because yeah he changed but that's just getting older and being affected by your experiences like everyone else ever#unfortunately for him he popped back to life Like That so everyone is just going eughh what thebfcuk#But that's a little off topic ANYWAYS one thing I really liked about Countdown was Jason being described as a siren in the dark#Like yea he's unsettling even if there's no clear reason as to why yet. He wasn't even doing anything his vibes are just rancid#My ideal Jason is one who looks like he wouldn't be out of place eating someone. He wouldn't. but you know. looming threat#I think he'd have fun indulging in the undead aspect in his more dramatic moments#Also the environment matters like during the day at the store he just seems a bit strange but at night in an alleyway it's uncanny valley#I have more to say on this topic but I'm writing a novel in the tags so I'll wrap it up#To summarize it's basically YOU CAN'T GO BACK YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE AND EVERYONE WHO LOOKS AT YOU CAN SEE IT#Thank you again for this ask I love when people bring up details they like to me because I like putting them in and talking about them#And just talking in general clearly lmao post-crisis really had so much going for it. lots of interesting characters
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In the shape of you, something new.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Better drawn mdzs#Yeah let's toss this in the 'mixed' category. Keeping you all on your toes with the quality of my work in this series.#I had to fire off some expectation-lowering shots to rebuild my energy.#I enjoy opportunities to experiment with formatting and challenge myself B*) I really like how this came out!#In this case; I have been thinking about this comic for nearly a year! The reunion scene!#The start of the festering! The longing LWJ feels contrasted against the reality that WWX has been fundamentally changed.#This is the shape of someone you knew. This is no longer the person you had in your head. Maybe that person never existed.#We build up expectations of who we want people to be - but they are never *who* that person is.#Loving the JC & LWJ parallels with this concept as well; they are both self-inflicted victims of pushing their expectations on WWX.#But we are who we are. We cannot become the idealized version of ourselves that lives in another person's head.#And I love how WWX comes back a little (a lot) horrifying. In his actions and appearance - he has changed. Maybe for the worst.
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manifesting complimentary outfit motifs
#yearly pantalone outfit redesign because i hate my old design again#it’s gonna be a tradition at this point#ideally dottore keeps his old mask and outfit tho tbh U__U#ideally webttore just comes back U_______U#dottore#pantalone#genshin#zandik rights#wip#it's my gap year i'll draw if i want to
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i just remembered that one panel where damian went to tim of all people for romantic advice, and i just realized that he could have just called duke up and asked him bc iirc isn’t duke currently in a committed relationship in canon?
#dc#dcu#dc comics#dc universe#batman#signal#duke thomas#robin#damian wayne#i’ve been so busy so i haven’t been able to keep up all that much with comics but i think they’re still together#pls correct me if i’m wrong#if he couldn’t go to either steph or dick then damian should’ve went to duke for help#duke would have helped him#daminika#i would say that damian should go to jon for help#but given how jon’s siding with the person who got his boyfriend’s mom killed (it’s mostly due to trauma and also because he’s a white man)#idk if jon would be an ideal person to ask#i’m slowly getting caught up with jayjon and i am not ready to face the heartbreak i know is coming#isabella ortiz#dukabella#isaduke#idk their ship name#when all else fails damian please go to duke he’s got your back#duke might make fun of him but he’ll give good advice#or if he gives bad advice it’ll still be better than anything that tim will give him
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currently craving some S1E2 canon divergence where Stede captures Izzy when he's trying to get his hostages back-
It doesnt really go much differently than it did, only when Stede's holding the knife to Izzy's cheek, he decides to take it seriously- maybe its that Stede is an unknown, a threat he hasnt quantified yet (he didnt flinch when he told him who he was, after all, even if he did ground his ship), maybe he simply doesnt want the fuss today, knowing he could escape from their ship with much less fuss than an all out fight will be, maybe, maybe, hes just tired too. With Ed in a slump all the work falls on him, and managing the ship and his captain takes its toll.
So, he surrenders to Stede, sends Ivan & Fang away to inform Ed of the situation, and goes back to The Revenge. He'll somehow end up helping them right the ship despite the fact he's technically their prisoner, and find that they dont actually have a brig, instead left in a small cabin that they hastily attach a bolt to the outside of.
As the door bolts (really, its a terrible job, he could have it out with one push) he yells through about how they'll regret this when his Captain comes for him, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he doubts.
Is he still worth that effort to Ed? Would he even be able to make himself care?
#ill probably do more with this later... but have this bit for now!!! lunch break musings#in my head izzy ends up helping a lot around the revenge with the crew#its different from his s1 attitude bc the power dynamics are flipped#and he grows on the crew quite quickly#he grows on stede too#(and his captain; this strong ruthless man izzy keeps mentioning. the ideal pirate. stede wants asking to hear more & izzy finds himself#telling him. stories of the good old days. tales where they almost died. the reality of piracy. izzy tells him everything about his edward)#(except his name)#(at first its that he assumes they know- everyone knows who /he/ is- but when it becomes clear he doesnt... he doesnt want to shatter it)#and then they kiss#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#israel hands#stede bonnet#stizzy#gentlehands#steddyhands#again. ill come back to this i think#ed will come for izzy. but this doesnt exactly fix the fact hes having a slump so its gonna take him a minute#izzys convinced by now hes not#and someth about stede.... well. hed never betray his captain; but isnt that stede now anyway?#ed catches up to them and its complicated & messy but gentlebeard are still themselves and immediately attracted#and (waves hands) ed ends up staying on the revenge#and the three of them are happy <3<3<3<3<3
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Day 50
#i tired#i have been like all day#ive also been thinking about this song most of the day#in my dream last night there was the stupendium#and they were playing the guitar#it was an electric guitar#and it was blue#light blue#kinda like the guitar in this video#(but less green more blue)#so ive been thinking about that all day#i think other stuff happened but i forgot because I keep coming back to the stupendium playing their guitar#it was really nice#it was good#i liked it#this whole video has peak aesthetic by the way#i could probably rant about it but now is not the ideal place nor time#so for now i will say#the stupendium#daily stupendium#and bid you adiue
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trying to think of a gift peeta might've gotten katniss for her 17th birthday if anyone has any suggestions. can be devastating, can be sweet, must be a thing
#for my cf au hehe#ideally something he was expecting her to keep using after she comes back from the games the second time#which would make it sad already but you know#thg#everlark
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anyway my midwife this time has been urging me to give positive affirmations a go and I swear whoever’s coming up with these affirmations are trying to make them sound as cringy as possible and so far there’s only one (out of a list of 50) that I resonate with in any form or way:
«Birth is powerful, but so am I»
#tw pregnancy#mostly because of the drama#its got flair yknow#the others are like#my body is designed to give birth#or#I feel positive optimistic and calm#which I don’t feel are gonna help me at all#but I do not mind feeling powerful and coupled with my super ethnic indigenous birth playlist I think I got a good plan this time#there’s also tips about visualizing yourself to an ideal safe place to give birth#and I keep coming back to giving birth on the mountain in a lavvu with a snow storm outside and a fire roaring inside#not sure if that’s what the instructor envisioned but it’s what I’m going for
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Trigun Manga Reaction
Here we go! Chapter 8 Volume... Huh?
Voulme 2? I thought this is still Volume 1. Am I tripping?
Anyway! Just a moment of appreciation for this parody page of he cover.
This while thing is so "busy" yet it still make sense. There's so many elements layering on top of each other. It should be a confusing mess. However, I can still easily pick out the four components that tells a story.
Component 1: Vash as a happy salary man being served a drink by a geisha (judging from the hairstyle and accessory) with shadowed eyes on the opposite end of the page.
Component 2: BDN at the dead center. The text makes it a bit difficult to confirm if he has a top knot, but he definitely is rocking a traditional Japanese look. He looks menacingly at Vash as he drinks.
Component 3: Meryl and Milly running in a hurry but for two clearly different purposes. Meryl looks like a traditional restaurant staff frantically trying to serve a lot of guests. Meanwhile, Milly doesn't look she's working anywhere near the food service industry with her get up and the tool that she has on hand.
Component 4: The Bad Lads drinking in celebration while an ambulance seems to be sounding its sirens as it parked near them.
Look. I may seem to be too obsessed with this gag page but it's crazy how its a fucking busy mess that still works at telling a cohesive story!
With just this two page drawing, I can infer easily that someone is in danger and may need to be hospitalized - so the ambulance was called and asked to stand by. Milly is probably the heroine about to save the day with the overworked yet eager to help Meryl. The party the Bad Lads are having is a big distraction at a possible murder attempt starring Vash as the victim, the geisha as the accomplice, and BDN as the mastermind.
I'M SORRY BUT HOW THE FUCK?!!!
And don't get me started on the scaling of each figure and the silhouettes. Just... I'll just repeat, Nightow is amazing for how pretty AND technical his drawing is. It's so clean. Wow...
Sorry for getting derailed. So, back to the chapter.
Ok. I lied. Let me just appreciate Winter Mery and Milly here. I love them so much and they so fucking cute here with their dynamic pose... solid silhouette... Clean fucking lines... Sorry... Give me a minute!!!
Sigh~
Interesting. So, '98 rearranged the sequence of events here. This happened a bit later... which I think is better. It adds more impact on Vash's duel against BDN.
These guys are no stormtrooper shooters. They having really good aim!
They didn't hit Vash. Okay. Maybe the tails of his coat now have fresh bullet holes, but aside from that, Vash is fairly intact. The Bad Lads have great accuracy.
This is an intriguing way of drawing a spinning gun. It's simple but effective in visually communicating that that is what BDN is doing. A good choice. Thinking about it... If three twirling guns in a blur of circles were drawn, it would be too distracting and BDN will be overwhelmed in the panel.
Cool foreshortening. Incredible detail on the filigree. And a bonus Goofy Face Vash!
So so fucking glad '98 was faithful to the manga with these scenes. Meryl and Milly were such badasses here.
Huh... Well that's a huge difference. There's not much:
GASP! It'S VaSH tHe STampeDE!
vASh ThE StAMpEdE?!
VASH THE STAMPEDE!!!
It can get a bit much... sometimes in '98. So, this is refreshing.
WHAT...
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!!!
So, those lines by Miss Purple Avenger from the filler episode were originally from BRILLIANT DYNAMITES NEON?!
I-
Oooohhh.... Pretty art... Wait no... I can't distracted. I'm mad!
I'M VERY VERY MAD!!!
OML! This is much more intense! IT ADDS SO MUCH WEIGHT TO THE DUEL!
Oh my goodness... This nuance... WHY WAS THIS CHANGED?!
Not to say that Miss Purple Avenger and the episode featuring her was bad. It was actually great! Her version of July was nightmare inducing... and her confrontation with Vash was truly tragic too but.... Uhm...uh... AAHHHH!!!! I CAN'T CHOOSE! THEY'RE BOTH GOOD!
Oh... break my heart into fucking pieces will you huh?!
LOOK AT THESE! Manga Vash getting cheered on by the people! People were supporting him! He is being treated nicely as he deserved.
Even in '98! It was not as overt at this page. However, that scene of the captain from the beginning of this chapter replaced these panels instead and is just as effective. '98 Vash has people believing the good in him.
TRISTAMP VASH WAS ROBBED!!! HE NEVER HAD THESE!!! That poor precious boy! The few precious people who supports him only showed up near the end... and... and...
Now getting even more upset again with the Jeonora Episodes in Tristamp!
It's so not fair!
Oooh. A cinematic page!
HOLY SHIT!!! THESE PAGES ARE AMAZING!
I can't believe this. This fight is better in the manga!
I am not dissing Studio Madhouse for what they've done tho. The '98 Duel was epic too! They did great! But all these crazy angles and perspectives in the manga just elevate the overall awesomeness of the gunfight. It's just more immersive.
Tbf to the '98 anime, this is a nightmare to animate faithfully. With the technology and techniques at the time, this would be so difficult to pull off beautifully - going topsy turvy in one smooth motion for two characters at the same time in a fight scene with a complicated moving background? Yeah... The animation staff would go insane. It's totally understandable that they simplified this duel into extreme close ups and strong facial + gun drawings instead.
I hope Studio Orange re-hashes this fight in some way tho... or does the Episode 1 duel count?
Sigh... With the my discovery that Miss Purple Avenger's lines were actually BDN's, and that the outrage towards Vash for not remembering anything about July belongs to the Bad Lads', these words have become so much more meaningful.
It's also now more effective at convincing me that Brilliant Dynamites Neon have hidden depths.
Oh... Ow... The detailing here is just ow for the hands of an artist. Perhaps I overreacting, but those fine lines in the crooks and crannies make me wince.
Once again tag responses:
@revenantghost
Yeah. The more I see his work, the more I'm awed by his skills. That's a cool detail that his design incorporate realism. I thought the glasses are for the light tho? But maybe it's like those the Olympian gunners wore during the competition?
The dead REALLY haunting the narrative? Looking forward to it!
@takeshidude
Ok. Monthly publication are still grueling but at least its not as nightmarish with weekly mangakas. No wonder the quality is consistent with the art. Nightow was allowed to breathe.
You make a good point. '98 did have a bit of a mystery woven into it. We know Vash the Stampede - we follow his misadventures and people kept saying who he is ad nauseam in every episode. However, we don't really know know him for quite a long time. It's a different, but no less interesting, spin to the story.
Which kinda explains I'm misremembering some scenes and characterizations? The last third of '98 made a long lasting impression that I kinda forgot about Vash's horn dogginess.
#trigunbookclub#trimax journey#there is no escape#i'm due for a re-watch of '98#but i am a bit upset at the change of who mentioned july#yeah some may say it's a tiny thing but those questions about july COMING FROM bdn before the duel is just much more impactful!#especially when contrasted with the previous chapter where vash tells kaite about his pacifistic ideals#it's a metaphorical slap to the face like...#PREVIOUSLY - vash: kaite i don't want to kill because i promised someone i never would#CURRENTLY - bnd: oi vash! why fuck did you kill everyone in july?#just the absolute whiplash minfuck of it all! tho '98 did it too because Miss Avenger episode was AFTER the Love & Peace one#the events just kinda flows so much better here in the manga than '98...#ALSO! bnd mentioning july makes it more convincing that he's not a 100% asshole thirsting for nothing but mayhem and blood#'98 keeping his 'life shines brighest' line is a bit lackluster when he didn't show any redeeming qualities whatsoever#here in the manga there is an implication that while he is a ruthless criminal - he has a line that he thinks vash had crossed#hence his seemingly more 'personal' stake on the duel#idk aughhh#sorry for rambling here for too long in the tags#i'm going back and forth at this#because '98 isn't bad AND they did stick to the core idea regarding the july question to vash#plus people losing their humanity to fight for survival is plain terrifying#sigh... this manga is going to keep me at my toes even if i watched the two animes already
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mylo vanderskid arcane, when it was actually him and not a hallucination, didn't call powder a jinx from a place of personal insecurity, as at no point in show does he come off as threatened by the skills she does have. he had a valid point obscured by the fact that he was a stupid teenager untrained in the skill of logical debate, alongside a long-burning personal frustration leading him to get mean in the way he framed the subject. post-timeskip, everything about mylo's deeper point about jinx's behavior is proven true in acts 2 and 3 of season 1 as it comes up again and again as something silco himself struggles with in keeping his political grip on zaun. in this essay i
#arcane#arcane season 1#jinx arcane#mylo arcane#(he was trying to point out how powder going off by herself instead of helping the group consistently leads to collateral damage)#(and how even those like him who aren't good at things like combat are expected to at least TRY)#(when it comes to contributing the the group and making sure everyone turns out safe)#(versus powder who was consistently focused on herself even if there were people around she loved and didn't want hurt)#(and if the problem is that she's too little to take an actual punch and get back up after. well.)#(that makes it clear she's not ready yet)#(honestly the IDEAL scenario for leaving Powder out of the warehouse fight)#(would have been to tell her that she has her own important task:)#(keeping an eye on Ekko and making sure he's okay seeing as Benzo just died)#(unfortunately undercity kids aren't exactly taught how to use social finesse in their interactions)#(and vi mixed up being supportive with enabling)#(which is a big reason why Powder was so emotionally fragile at that point)#(i'm saying this as someone with mental illness and who was really similar to powder as a kid btw)#(in no way am i trying to blame jinx for her mental health issues or trauma)
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See, I was thinking he could just tap into your bloodstream. If he's hanging out in Rain's pocket we already know where he's getting the cells to convert from, and, well, why overcomplicate the system that's already there?
I may have just answered my own question by realizing that Rain would probably be turbo-weirded out by the more straightforward proposal.
#body horror cw#ignore Morg#... I'm assuming we're making the same assumption as to where he's getting cells to convert to DG cells without draining his host#Maybe I'm a little too into the consensual possession thing. It's a very self-indulgent thought.#But. I think the ideal partner for Schwarz if he keeps getting himself disintegrated#(as far as not making regenerating a fucking Char-fest goes)#would be a trans man that just lets Schwarz borrow his body for whatever amount of time.#Look G fans if you want to keep insisting that Schwarz is a char clone bring him back using my method; that would bring him over the line#... I'm not personally into the whole mommy kink thing that this setup could easily lean into#but the idea of bizarre symbiosis? where the host is willing but their partner is unhappy with using/needing them? That's the good shit.#Also look I'm a brutal utilitarian when it comes to the wretched organ and would love to find some unintended uses for the thing okay?#I'm keeping this out of the main tags but I'll be reblogging this with the above tags and my category tags for findability
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fellas the book 7 update…. *crying*
(refer to the tags for my rambling, just to minimize ppl accidentally spoiling themselves)
#sandy blabbles#twst#Book 7 spoilers#dude ace loves his friends sm#His happiness including yuu’s own happiness—where they get to go back to their home but also still be able to stay in twst; still get to ha#Hang out and be friends. Never having to say goodbye.#I just…heart shackle my beloved they could never make me hate you#It really shows how much Ace truly loves his friends and how he doesn’t WANT to part with them; say goodbye and sever his ties with them#Its actually rlly similar to Malleus’s whole OB thing; both of them fear the imminent parting of their loved ones#I think it’s really noteworthy that Ace’s happiness gets predicated on Yuu’s happiness FIRST#I think in reality deep down he FOESNT want Yuu to go back home; because it’s likely that their way back home is a one way trip.#It’s not like graduating and going back home. In this case Yuu is gone. Period. They existed in TWST in one moment and the next they cease#However he also knows that them staying in TWST would only be painful; they had a life before NRC and to make them say goodbye to that fore#Is something he also doesn’t want to do; the fact that one of the core false memories the dream is built upon is YUU’S HAPPY EXPRESSION at#Crowley finding a way for them back home is…*chef’s kiss* so ofc the ideal solution for him is to let them travel between world’s; that way#The both of them can be happy; Yuu can go back home but still be with Ace and their friends. Dude I’m just so fucking touched—Ace has#Infamously bad emotional communication yet he cares and loves sm. Yes he’s an ass yes he’s a jerk yes he’s a selfish teen boy; but he’s *ou#Asshole. Who will have our back as we do his; who will be happy with as he is with Heartshackle. When you get down to it Ace is sentimental#Whereas Malleus’ solution has involved him selfishly restraining the ppl he loves in an effort not to lose them; and ending up alone i#Ace’s UM defo coming in Book 7 (or 8; him getting his UM during a confrontation with Malleus would be very fitting)#It’s almost poetic how traitor ace theory is simultaneously torn away but also…not with his dream.#The fact remains that he cares for Yuu and doesn’t want them to go; those feelings which are core to the theory ARE there. But at the same#Time he’s not selfish enough to do that to Yuu…sure there IS the question of how he would treat the situation in reality rather than the#Ideal dream but I think that by the end of book 7 any lingering feelings he might have of keeping Yuu in twst; even to their detriment will#Fall in the face of malleus who is emblematic of such desires. Book 7 will end in Ace wholeheartedly working with us to find Yuu a way back#Home. Because if that’s what will bring them happiness; even if it’s a happiness Ace will not have been a part of for long or much longer#Then he will do it. Even if parting is painful having the people he loves be in pain for the rest of their lives (ie Yuu being trapped) is#Far far FAR more painful then parting ever could be. Because for as much as Ace bullies and pursues being a cool kid#He will never be able to stop caring and loving his dear friend#(Also couldn’t fit this in but the fact that he was able to be so rational while delululu when resisting waking up is SO on point
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THE THING IS! in order to be safe she would have to have lived in a time and place where patriarchy and the ideal of the family don't have the power they hold, where powerful wealthy men can be held to account, or at least to have had access to support from people willing to work against all of it and who would have believed her/who she would have been able to ask for help AND who would have actually had the power to keep her from being pulled right back. and for all the various lovely traits of the townspeople that doesn't seem to exist in twin peaks
#p#i keep thinking about it.... if she and james just left town that night she probably would have lived longer#but people would come looking and she'd end up back at home. if she were able to articulate her fears before that last night#who could she have asked for protection? the haywards prob have the means but they sent her home when she was afraid several times already#harry might have the ability but we AGAIN see him show benefit of the doubt/sympathy to the point of testifying for him after the fact#and in a dream situation where cooper was there and able to hear her/get her out he'd doubtlessly be punished for it like for saving audrey#bc... he's a cop! and supposed to uphold these things! he'd probably be accused of kidnapping!#the angels (idealized man w the will and power to help you) wouldn't help bc the very thing giving him that power keeps him from using it#gah.#twin peaks
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no one will evr understand them like i do .... nobdoy will ever write them ciorrectly .. because they should nto be together at all they hate each other and would be horrible in a relationship but something deep and twisted inside me says they must for the plot. and i simply must consume ..... but no one does it right except 1 guy ive read.
#no i will not clarify bc i am embarrassed#LMAOOOOOO#these 2 tho. so fucked up. should not be together. most unhealthy relationship ever holy shit#but i need them to . just for my enjoyment.#they canonically hate each other and in no universe would they ever like each other especially with what one did to the other#but my god ...... need them to be in an unhealthy relationship like so bad#LMAO#brainrotting over them rn#i dont even necessarily ship them . i just need them to be in the situation for my mental narrative#like i said they would be horrible together#nobody i know will agree with me on this im certain so im just being so vague#me and my little stupid guys in my mind#ideally their relationship would end up with the shitty one dead#like#technically he's canonically dead tho we never see him die from my knowledge#but hes never come back#fucked up relationships drive me wild and i dont understand why#spilling my guts out bc i never ever say shit like this#i hide this aspect LMAO i dont want people to hate me for enjoying a bad relationship dynamic in fiction#but WHATEVE R!!!!! ID ONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE !!!!!!!!!!#all the fics i read make them NORMAL#no i need them to not be healthy#i need them to end up hating each other again#i need them to be fucked up#LMAOOOO#local aroace idiot obsesses over wildly unhealthy fictional relationships not clickbait#i keep adding tags bc idont wanna reblog#smthn smthn giving him a chance despite everything he did to u when u first met#and realizing he hasnt changed and never will. hes a genuine monster n nothing u do or say will change that#I RAN OUT OF TAGS FUCKKKKKKKK. FUCCKKKKKKKKK. uhh yeah . going to be scouring ao3 for any fics that match my narrative wish me luck
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with respect to myself, this whole “i need to wait till i’m out of school to date,” “i need to wait till i’m more historically, politically, and culturally educated to date” is all bullshit. it’s the top surgery. that’s the holdup. they chop these tits off and i’m ready to go.
#for the record - i still think that those first two things are the WISEST course of action#but i’m just saying that i don’t think anyone could hold me back if the opportunity arises#because the top surgery thing is my real hangup#because that would be a LOT to go through with someone in a new relationship and i would rather Not#so it’s better to wait#and i have a feeling that MY confidence will increase a ton in the aftermath as well#i’ll FINALLY be able to dress how i want holy SHIT#no more needless layering and strategically shapeless flannels#thank GOD#and in the meantime i’ll just keep trying to learn as much as i can on the way there!#so that i’m as prepared as possible whenever the moment comes along#i’m really working on not being mean to myself about not knowing things#nobody comes into the world with this knowledge#and i was not given the resources growing up that encouraged me to learn these things#just because some people had parents or friends who introduced them to things when they were younger or grew up in cultural centers#doesn’t make them cooler or better than me#i am educating myself now and that is what is important#i enjoy learning and that is what is important#i WILL become my ideal self one day - i am getting better#i am not perfect - i am still fucking up a ton and insecure and stretching myself to the absolute limit#which is why it is probably NOT a good idea to date right now!!!!!!#but who knows… i’ll just go where the road takes me#and see how that works out
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Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
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