#it would all be so entertaining but I don’t have the brainpower or time to write this rn

[sokkas-therapist]

Chat is it toxic to have thoughts of an arranged marriage au where Katara and Zuko are stuck in a strictly political arranged marriage and have agreed to do their own thing (ie: Zuko will stay in the Fire Nation and be Firelord while Katara stays in the water tribe as the active Chief), but Zuko has been having a secret affair with Sokka since before the arranged marriage? Sokka is an ambassador for the SWT in Caldera so they ended up getting really close (even though Sokka isn’t there 24/7 bc he travels a lot). And now things have gotten really messy and the palace staff has gotten too close to figuring things out and no one knows what to do…this is soap opera level drama but I’m kind of living for it 

[lifestyle-hub]

9 Ways to Combat Decision Fatigue in a World of Endless Choices

Image credit: Cottonbro||

It’s the end of the day, and you’re staring blankly at your phone, unable to decide whether to order pizza, noodles, or maybe just cook dinner.

It’s not laziness, it’s decision fatigue. We live in an era where choices are everywhere, from what to wear in the morning to which Netflix show to binge at night. While more options may seem like a good thing, they can lead to mental exhaustion, leaving us drained and overwhelmed.

So how do you take back control and reduce this daily stress? Let’s dive into 9 simple, actionable ways to combat decision fatigue.

1. Simplify Your Routine

Ever heard how some of the most successful people like Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg stick to the same wardrobe every day? They do this for a reason, by reducing minor decisions, they save their brainpower for more important choices. You don’t have to go full uniform mode, but simplifying daily routines can go a long way in cutting down decision fatigue. Whether it's meal prepping your week’s lunches, choosing a go-to work outfit, or setting up an automatic morning routine, having fewer decisions to make will lighten the mental load.

2. Limit Your Options

The more choices we have, the harder it becomes to decide. This is the classic paradox of too much choice. To avoid this, set boundaries for yourself. For instance, limit your entertainment options to just three choices: one movie, one show, and one documentary. The same applies to your daily tasks. Prioritize the top three things you need to accomplish, and ignore the rest until they’re done. Less is more!

3. Batch Your Decisions

Imagine having to make a hundred small decisions throughout the day, it’s exhausting, right? Batching similar tasks together is a powerful way to minimize the number of decisions you make. Instead of figuring out what to eat for dinner every night, plan your meals for the week on Sunday. Instead of checking emails all day, dedicate two specific times to respond. By batching decisions into a single timeframe, you free up mental space and reduce the constant barrage of choices.

4. Create Decision-Making Habits

Habits can be your best friend when it comes to fighting decision fatigue. The more decisions you can turn into habits, the fewer choices you have to actively make. For example, if you always work out at the same time every day, it becomes second nature, eliminating the need to constantly debate with yourself about when or whether to exercise. The beauty of habits is that they automate your decisions, leaving your mind free for other things.

5. Know Your Decision-Making Peak

Your brain doesn’t operate at the same level all day. For most people, cognitive function is at its peak in the morning. This means your ability to make sound decisions is stronger earlier in the day. Schedule your most important decisions whether they’re about work, finances, or personal life for when you’re most alert. Save the less critical decisions (like what to watch on TV) for later when your mental energy is lower. By aligning your decision-making with your mental stamina, you’ll make better, more thoughtful choices.

6. Embrace “Good Enough”

I wouldn't say the term “perfect” is not possible or bad, but perfectionism is the enemy of decision-making. We often get stuck in analysis paralysis, trying to find the perfect solution when “good enough” would suffice. The truth is, in most situations, there is no perfect answer. Accepting “good enough” speeds up decision-making and reduces the stress that comes with overthinking. Whether it’s choosing a restaurant or making a work decision, ask yourself, “Is this good enough for now?” More often than not, it will be.

7. Make Use of Tools

We live in a time where technology can help ease decision fatigue. Apps like Todoist, Trello, or even simple to-do lists can help organize your tasks and priorities. Decision-making templates can help narrow down your options. For example, if you struggle with choosing a new book to read, create a shortlist based on recommendations, then use a decision matrix to weigh your options based on criteria like length, genre, and reviews. These tools act as shortcuts for your brain, giving you a framework to make faster decisions.

8. Delegate When Possible

You don’t have to make every decision yourself. Whether it's work-related or personal, delegation is a powerful tool to reduce decision fatigue. Trusting others with some choices allows you to focus on the ones that matter most to you. At work, this could mean passing tasks down to a coworker or team member. At home, it might involve letting your partner or kids make dinner choices or weekend plans. Don’t be afraid to ask for help it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.

9. Take Regular Breaks

Our brains are like muscles, they get tired from overuse. Taking regular breaks throughout the day can help reset your mental energy, allowing you to make better decisions. Whether it's stepping outside for a quick walk, doing some stretches, or practicing mindfulness for a few minutes, these small breaks can prevent decision burnout. When you feel overwhelmed, don’t push through, pause, reset, and come back refreshed.

Fewer Decisions, More Clarity

In a world filled with endless choices, the secret to clarity is cutting through the noise. It’s about making fewer decisions so you can focus on the ones that count.

So, take a deep breath, start with one small change, and watch as your decision-making power grows stronger.

Kad

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Tierney, J. (2011). Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength.

Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less.

Iyengar, S. S. (2010). The Art of Choosing.

[thepinkscope]

WHAT YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND SECRETLY NEEDS FROM YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS / pick a card

(This is an intuitive reading)

SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE EDITION

Note : Thank you for all the support on my other post. It's great being back. I'm going to do my best to be more consistent.

pile 1 :

I think your subconscious mind is done with the same old experiences in romance. Whether that’s romantic interests or partners texting you at 3 am for…you know or partners who feel the need to lie about things. You’re over it and rightfully so. Your subconscious mind needs someone/something completely new for your love life. You want something real and not as surface as the experiences of the past. You want a meaningful romantic experience/relationship.

Some advice from your subconscious mind is that to get and experience this newness in your love life, you need to start saying no to the same old tired experiences. If someone is offering you something surface, you should not entertain it. You attract what you accept. Your subconscious mind really wants to end this cycle and start a brand new one in love. One where your romantic interest values you in every way. Where you’re constantly pleasantly surprised by the things that they say and what they do. A partner who prioritizes you and regards you with their heart.

pile 2 :

Wow. You guys secretly want comfort and safety in your romantic relationships / romantic love. You want someone who will stay indoors with you, cuddled up with you. Someone who will be very clear and transparent with how they feel about you. You might really appreciate words of affirmation. You might also need someone who takes control (in the right way). In the past, in and outside of your love life, you might have always been in control and made the decisions.

You just want someone who takes the lead in a respectful way. Someone who is effective in that way because they’ve taken the time to study you and your needs and wants. You want your love life to be the place where you rest. Where you don’t have to spend so much of your energy and brainpower. You require softness for sure - that’s really cute pile 2.

pile 3 :

Your life might be overwhelming right now. You’re just trying to figure it out. You’re currently piecing your life puzzle together and your subconscious mind really wants someone who will stick it out through all the phases. In other words, someone who can keep up with your evolution because it is quite rapid. You’re going through a lot of phases.

I also heard that some of you might be in a new place/environment/country etc. and while you settle down and find your footing, your subconscious mind requires romantic experiences that ground you and kind of keep you “sane” during this time. I just want to tell you that you’re doing amazing and that you should keep going. You’re having a big emotional growth spurt and ultimately that’s what’s important.

pile 4 :

Is there a lack of feeling in your love life? Maybe you had a romantic partner and you didn’t feel the way you expected to feel. Maybe you have never had a partner and you seek that “feeling”. Well, your subconscious mind craves a fulfilling, satisfying, pleasurable and loving feeling from your love life. You want experiences that make you feel brighter - more energetic. Your love life is a blank canvas despite your experience or lack thereof and your subconscious mind wants to paint it.

You might’ve had a lot of time to focus on yourself and your journey but your subconscious mind would really love bright, fun and beautiful experiences in your romantic life. This might also point to optimism so you might crave romantic experiences or a romantic partner that makes you super optimistic in love again. Don’t fall into the trap that is the illusion that you’ve lost hope - hope lives inside of your heart and it really believes in that love you want. Enjoy your life and allow yourself to hope and if not - sit in the emotions but don’t dwell in them.

[dangermousie]

2020 End of Year Post - cdrama edition

This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2020; if I had to make a post about all the cdramas I watched this year, I would still be doing it in three months...

Overall it’s been a fairly decent cdrama year (certainly better than the very lacklustre kdrama year.) It’s no miracle that 2019 was (so many excellent dramas!) but overall pretty solid.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

44 The Legend of Jing Yan - the worst cdrama I have seen this year, and possibly the worst drama of 2020, period. The hero and heroine were both uncharismatic, incapable of acting and saddled with such shrilly moronic characters, the only suspense was how they haven’t both perished long since from forgetting to breathe. Nor was anyone in the rest of the cast much better; the screenplay was written by a lower mammal and the cinematography was the best a third-rate wedding cinematographer could offer. Stay the HELL away from this one.

43 Unicorn Girl - the only unicorn about this bland yet irritating piece of pap was the fact that I was supposed to believe the leads are hockey players.

42 Autumn Cicada - I like spy stories, Allen Ren, and Republican Era settings. I can tune out Communist propaganda with the best of them. Yet, the propaganda ate the story to such a degree that there was nothing left; pre magic change Pinocchio was less wooden then this narrative.

41 You Complete Me - no you do not.

40 Skate into Love - the only positive thing I can say about this is that at least it’s better than Unicorn Girl, if for no other reason that only one of them is supposed to be a hockey player.

39 Irreplaceable Love - how do you make a story about fake siblings with a mad mother falling for each other boring? I don’t know, ask the makers of this.

38 Eternal Love Rain - I hate to rain on their parade, but these two actors cannot act, have about as much chemistry as a piece of bread, and are trapped in a story perfect for entertaining the mental abilities of the leads of Jin Yan.

37 For Married Doctoress - ummmm, you could do worse I guess. It only made me break out in mild hives. The sadistic ending did make me laugh though.

36 Dance of the Sky Empire - why you get Xu Kai and waste him in this insipid mess of a story is beyond me.

35 Love Designer - it’s inoffensive except to my sense of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with it but oh God is it bland.

34 Love a Lifetime - It felt like a lifetime watching this, but I didn’t love it. The story is incoherent, the actors have no chemistry and it’s all an epic waste of time.

33 Love is Sweet - so sweet it gave me diabetes. I like Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu, but there is literally no plot. I don’t need to sink into a plotless morass to watch pretty people engage in PG-rated make-outs. I am an adult with access to stronger stuff if I am thus inclined, though to be fair they could get x-rated and I still wouldn’t be able to sit through so many episodes of plotlessness for that.

32 Fake Princess - I love Zhao Yi Qin, but the guy needs to pick better projects. The female lead in this one has the voice and personality that can strip paint but the story is also doing nobody any favors.

31 The Changan Youth - I lost my brain checking this out. I had to go and read a dense treatise on medieval coinage or Mayan farming to try to recover it.

30 My Dear Destiny - kinda cheesy fun. It honestly shouldn’t be as low except it really feels like community theater.

29 Handsome Siblings - why is the Nic Tse version so good and this one so bad? True mystery for the ages. Chen Zhe Yuan is the sole reason this isn’t lower, because that kid tries SO HARD to make this drama bearable and almost succeeds. I can’t wait to see him in Sha Po Lang which actually will give him something to do.

28 In a Class of Her Own - see my comment on The Changan Youth. But at least Song Weilong is gorgeous to look at.

27 General’s Lady - inoffensive, pretty and so utterly pointless.

26 The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion - those two leading actors are a no go to me but at least they considerately acted with each other instead of ruining two dramas for me. It’s very pretty though.

25 Jiu Liu Overlord - it’s a mess and I bailed, but I placed it this high merely due to the fact that Lai Yi finally gets a leading role and he’s sexy as fuck and I am shallow. Whoever styled Bai Lu should never work again except at a circus, however.

24 Cross Fire - not my genre and Luhan will always look too much like my cousin for comfort, but it’s a surprisingly gripping and dark drama. I liked it!

23 God of Lost Fantasy - if you want to watch a mediocre wuxia/xianxia, this is not a bad choice. Probably better than Legend of Fei actually, because at least it doesn’t have an A-list cast to waste and gives us Sheng Yilun himbo and shirtless.

22 Renascence - the insane cuts (it went from 70 eps to 36!!!) made a fairly cheesy story into a total mess. But I had a good time until I finally bailed mainly because of the male lead (Chen Zhe Yuan yet again carrying a not-good 2020 drama on his shoulders; the guy should be nicknamed Atlas) and the insane but in a fun way story. The female lead (both the character and the actress) were not up to par but oh well.

21 Legend of Fei - only this high because objectively there is nothing I disliked it. But there is nothing I liked either. The most uninspired drama on the list. If you could eat cardboard, this is what it would taste like.

20 Ever Night 2 - compared to EN1, it’s a waste of film. On its own merits, it’s not very good (the cast replacements are uniformly inferior and Dylan Wang is so wrong for Ning Que I cannot even put it into words; the script is useless.) But it had some parts I loved so very VERY much (all the shippy stuff was perfection) so I don’t feel too bitter.

19 Castle in the Sky 2 - a lovely if not too complex fairy tale. It is inferior to its prequel because it doesn’t have Zhang Ruo Yun who elevated it, but it’s still a solid bit of fun.

18 The Great Ruler - it’s very high fantasy, very pretty, and surprisingly involving.

17 (tie) Legend of Two Sisters in the Chaos - the secondary couple steals the show but the rest is not too bad if not too involving.

17 Legend of Awakening - a solid bit of fun with a seriously BDSM streak (theme this year apparently - but come on, the lead’s powers only activate when he’s in extreme pain!) It’s a bit generic and the costuming is done by a blind person, not to mention the OTP is a NOTP, but the rest of relationships (romantic and platonic) are wonderful (I live for the found siblings story in this one) and I like most of the characters.

16 Consummation - a rare modern cdrama I liked; a sweet coming of age story (and love story) even if wrapped in a pretty weird virtual reality concept.

15 Oops the King is in Love - this is how you do a low budget, sweet, silly piece of fluff. Our heroine pretends to be a eunuch and crosses paths with a powerless young king and they are adorable, even more so than the drama.

14 Song of Glory - pretty solid, though draggy and I didn’t love the toothpaste filter. But A+ cast, excellent leading couple chemistry, Li Qin being a BAMF and a leading man (Qin Hao) who is actually an adult.

13 And the Winner is love - objectively kind of a mess (and the heroine has the brainpower of a gnat), but the OTP chemistry is excellent and Luo Yunxi fighting and flirting with a fan as finally a leading man is worth the price of admission.

12 Miss S - snazzy and snappy and stylish and whatever else starts with S.

11 Eternal Love of Dream - I don’t know if it would work for you as well if you weren’t a hardcore shipper for this OTP in Three Lives but I was and this was such a darling, wonderful, shippy delight; plus I love this type of high fantasy.

10 (tie) Maiden Holmes - solid and sweet and a wonderful OTP. Proves that functional doesn’t have to mean boring. If you watch one cross-dressing drama this year make it this one.

10 Qin Dynasty Epic - srs bsns history epic. I am not far into it but it’s so good and smart and visually stunning (if you love battles, this one is for you.)

9 Love Lasts Two Minds - I adored this so much more than I should objectively have, but it’s so beautiful (and no I am not just referring to Alan Yu’s face) and the OTP has wonderful chemistry and the story is solid, and the whole trope of her memory being wiped but falling for him all over again while he’s constantly and utterly devoted is a fave; plus he’s in pain and semi-dyng for most of it so sluuuurp (happy ending, don’t worry)

8 To Love - yes, a modern drama is this high! But it involves intensity, tragedy, genuine adults and sexiness that is Lin Gengxin. And there is an actual plot and darkness OMG!

7 Legend of Xiao Chuo - so beautiful, so fun, so full of gorgeousness of Shawn Dou. Plus, Liao is a rare setting for a cdrama and there are a lot of characters and stories I liked a LOT. Less ship content than I wanted but more than I expected.

6 The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so so delightful. I was literally laughing out loud. I have no idea if it will work as well if one isn’t a seasoned watcher of period cdrama/reader of web novels, with bonus for watching/reading Goodbye My Princess, but it was a complete delight for me (and yes, I shipped for real, as well. Best of both worlds.)

5 Twisted Fate of Love - Jin Han gets a leading period drama role! And he’s enjoying it to the hilt, excellent as a smart, twisty bastard who is also charming and so madly in love with heroine. Sun Yi is beautiful and tough and her chemistry with JH is on fire, the story never drags, and it’s so twisty and fun and just awesome.

4 Love In Between - the most underrated drama on this list. It has no big names or big budget, but it’s wuxia that’s clever, driven, tragic, hopeful and so beautifully shot. Three separate (amazing) OTPs, a leading man who is so not typical (a doctor who cannot fight and who never acquires this ability) and who is intense and smart and damaged, a heroine who puts her quest ahead of her emotions, an unhealthy degree of involvement by yours truly. This is a drama Fei should have been.

3 Love and Redemption - such a lovely, addictive, utterly romantic fairy tale. I was obsessed with it for a reason. All the tropes you love and some you didn’t know you did, a star-crossed OTP to the nth power (and a secondary OTP I hardcore love), a twisty yet coherent plot, some insane chemistry and so much whump and hurt/comfort they must have bought blood packets in bulk.

2 Go Ahead - yes, I can’t believe it either. A contemporary slice of life cdrama made it this high on my list. But the way it feels so real, the found family perfection, the characters I love and loathe, the perfect cherry of a wonderful OTP that hits my narrative kinks on top, and just a perfect storm of loveliness all around with this one.

1 The Wolf - is that any surprise to anyone who’s checked out this tumblr for the last couple of months? Tragic, intense and gorgeous; so romantic and angsty and passionate it made me lose my mind (though some of it was gone the moment the camera panned to Darren Wang) - all my favorite tropes and then some; this is a drama that may not be perfect but it is 100% and then beyond perfect for ME.

FAVORITE DRAMA

The Wolf - I have seen objectively better cdramas; even this year. But it has been literal years since I have been this hardcore obsessed, this utterly pleased, this emotionally catered to and devastated at once. A beautiful dark fairy tale that manages to own me despite the storytelling gaps due to censorship, it took me for one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides of my drama watching career. Visually gorgeous, poetic, intense, and so romantic it took my breath away, this is not just my favorite cdrama of 2020, it’s my favorite drama this year period, and the one cdrama this year to make it into my permanent Top 10 cdramas list.

WORST DRAMA

Legend of Jin Yan - see my write up for it for why as I refuse to waste more time on this stupid mess.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Wolfie, The Wolf - he is such a haunted, tormented, complex, dark mess; loving and violent, severely damaged and with a hidden yearning softness, longing and aloof. And the amount of charisma and sheer masculine sex appeal Darren Wang brings to the role is insane and not something I see much of in a cdrama. Plus, that character arc with its rapid fall and slow painful redemption is A++++

Runner Up:  Sifeng, Love and Redemption - has a male lead ever loved more utterly and selflessly, suffered more thoroughly and beautifully, and managed to have such chemistry with both his leading lady and his leading man (that his leading lady temporarily turned into) at once? The answer is no.

Almost made the cut - Feng Xi, Twisted Fate of Love, Han Shuo, The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Qing Ci, Love in Between.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Xiao Qian, The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so funny, so much the reason this drama was such a delight. I adore her beyond words.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Murder Daddy, The Wolf - I am sad the censors robbed us of seeing him die on screen. He was fully human but nonetheless managed to be the worst monster in a drama full of literal ones.

Ling Xiao’s Mom, Go Ahead - I hate her so much I don’t want to look up her name. She abused the kid, the disappeared and came back to abuse him some more. I mean she literally gave her child mental health issues. She is the WORST.

FAVORITE SHIP

Xing’er x Wolfie, The Wolf - are you kidding me? Who else could it ever be for me? They destroyed each other and saved each other, sworn enemies and childhood lovers, soulmates and epic messes, they couldn’t live with or without each other. The longing, the passion, the intensity, the angst, the epicness. LIKE THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Si Yuan, Shen Manqing, Love in Between - I loved them as much and often more than the main OTP. So much angst and passion and a happy ending! She is a seeming sect darling (except the sect is horrible and also sexist so her only worth is as a marriage candidate) and he’s an information broker who is actually one of the members of a destroyed sect that’s blamed for the massacre of her family. That chemistry and yearning is insane. The scene where she touches his face when he’s unconscious was in serious running for my favorite scene of 2020.

NOTP

Legend of Awakening - I have never seen a couple that didn’t just have no chemistry but exhibited actual revulsion towards each other before watching Chen Feiyu and Cheng Xiao try to act as lovers in this one. It was almost entertaining to be honest.

FAVORITE SCENE

It’s a tie and both are from The Wolf. One is a sequence where Wolfie marches to the walls alone, seeking death at Xing’er’s hands and the whole sequence with the battle and rescue follows. The other is the intercut between Xing’er going to her wedding and Wolfie going to his execution, and the auto-da-fe being intercut with her wedding.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Wolfie, The Wolf - Ummm have you seen this tumblr lately, it’s basically a drool shrine to the man.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yelü Yansage, The Legend of Xiao Chuo - I have loved this actor since The Myth and he continued to competently steal every scene he was in.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

To Love - come out of the coma, dammit!!!!!!!

NEEDS A DIRECTOR’S CUT

The Wolf - duh. It started out as 59 eps and got cut to 49. I reaiize some stuff is never gonna get put in due to censorship, but some of the stuff that got cut got for time reasons because they were deluded and hoping to get a TV broadcast so ep count had to be under 50. I mean I doubt the censors would care if they kept scenes of Wolfie building her a swing or whatever. I really really want a director’s cut the way Goodbye My Princess did even if like with GMP it’s only three extra eps. Hell, I will take extra three minutes, as long as those three minutes are Darren Wang shirtless or with a sword. Ahem.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

The Song of Glory - it’s a fairly solid drama but honestly it didn’t need to be as long as it was and kind of got draggy and I got lost interest. (I could have gotten snarky and said all the dramas I didn’t like needed scissors taken to them in their entirety but decided to play nice.)

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

There are a number of dramas I could complain about with regard to this (hi there, darling The Wolf!) but this award goes to Renascence - poor Renascence was never going to be a masterpiece, but it had the potential to be a bit of good cheesy fun until it had its run time cut by more than half and became an incoherent piece of insanity.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Dumb shrill innocent heroine who can’t tie her shoes - see basically all the cdramas I didn’t like this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Male lead torture - I mean it’s always open season on that in cdramas, but between Love and Redemption, The Wolf, Love Lasts Two Minds, Love in Between and so on, it was a banner year!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Legend of Fei - what a waste of that cast; what a waste of our finite time on this Earth. What a waste of my intelligence to hope for something better and stick with it for a dozen eps. I have had stale wonderbread that had more personality than this drama.There is absolutely nothing that stands out about this drama in any way,  from half-dimensional characters, to actors who are sleepwalking, to a plot that moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, to uninspired cinematography and direction, to lack of any chemistry between anyone in the cast. If paint-by-numbers was done by a group of particularly linear robots, it might come across the same way as this drama.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The Wolf - honestly, I did not expect it to come out AT ALL EVER let alone to become my favorite drama of 2020. I was not familiar with the leading man (hahah), I liked Li Qin but wasn’t yet obsessed with her, and Xiao Zhan was excellent in The Untamed but I was hardly going to follow him from drama to drama (and I don’t do SLS any way.) And the trailer was enjoyable but unlike seemingly everyone, I didn’t think it was going to be some epic masterpiece. And then it came out and while it wasn’t objectively an epic masterpiece, it pulled out all the favorite tropes, shippy and narrative kinks from the deepest darkest recesses of my id. And I fell harder than I have in years. 

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

Novoland Eagle Flag and Joy of Life - they are in my Top 10 dramas from anywhere now. They are quite different except being smart and giving me protagonists to obsess over.

ETA: Also The Untamed because @idlewilds3 pointed out I actually watched it in 2020 even though I didn’t think so because this hellyear has lasted about three decades.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

I am gonna limit it to dozen and leaving out ones that aren’t necesarily supposed to air next year (Joy of Life 2, Love in Flames of War, Novoland Princess from Plateau.)

Monarch Industry, Novoland Pearl Eclipse, Silk Washing Stream, Dream of Changan, Sword Snow Stride, Wu Xing Shi Jia, Ancient Love Poetry, Immortality, The Long Ballad, Mirror Twin Cities, The Imperial Age, Fall In Love

[mickstart]

what do you think are some iconic/memorable schumi moments? i just got into f1 and would like to know more about him bc somehow i can’t really find anything like that about him.... just stats which are incredibly impressive but i can’t find anything about how he behaved or just anything about his personality..... thanks <3

:) Hi anon, thank you for unleashing the beast.

Ok I love you for asking me this thank you SO MUCH. Welcome to the circus I’m glad you’re here! Also yeah, Schumi is often talked about in terms of statistics and not as a human, Which is a shame bc like! Schumi is fascinating and the dynamics on the grid in late 90s F1 is so much fun! Also, this is mainly going to be late 90s -> early 2010s stuff bc I was born in 98 so uhhh I didn’t properly witness ANY 90s stuff and had to learn about it.

OK so I got super carried away but I’ve divided this into 3 sections: Drives/races that I think showcase some of his talents, human moments we need to talk about more, and Chaotic Little Bitch moments. The key thing to remember w/ Schumi is that he personally tends to be nice but as soon as you put him in a competition, Bastard Mode activates like a cat’s pupils going wide.

I am so sorry for the following short essay. Also some crashes are briefly mentioned but only ones with absolutely no injuries and there’s no details.

Chaotic Little Bitch Moments

Schumi debuted as a SUBSTITUTE driver for Jordan when one of their drivers was in police custody (yes. really.) The highest a Jordan had qualified all year was 10th and in his DEBUT at SPA, one of the toughest tracks, in the middle of the season, Schumi qualified that Jordan 7th! THEN his clutch failed before the first lap was even complete, but Benetton and Jordan WENT TO COURT to fight each other to sign him for their team before the next race in Monza. He couldn’t debut normally he HAD to cause a scene and set the tone.

The Red Strings of Fate: He qualified 7th, his iconic 7 starred helmet, his first victory next year was ALSO at Spa - his first complete race would be at Monza, Ferrari Holy Ground, and he finished 5th which 👀 1) he was immediately racing with The Greats. 2) Mr 5 Championships With Ferrari.

Winning a race by taking a stop and go penalty on the last lap, crossing the finish line in the pits, and making such a complicated argument about said penalty that in a hearing that was SUPPOSED to be Mclaren protesting the race result the stewards scrapped the entire penalty and the 3 who awarded it handed in their licenses??? Iconic.

Austria 2002 where Rubens was ordered to give the win to Michael. And then Michael fucking made him stand on the top step on the podium like “oh no no no RUBENS deserves this” and made a big SHOW out of it and its like “Michael stop you’re not making it heartwarming you’re making it WORSE Michael STOP” The Tension of germany 2010 podium VS the theatricality of THIS podium.

Team orders were banned because of this which also makes this indirectly responsible for Fernando Is Faster Than You having to be a coded message. You can’t escape him,

Blocking Alonso in Monaco qualifying and then, years later in 2010, overtaking Alonso technically illegally at Monaco (the race was ending under safety car, but the safety car doesn’t lead them over the line it pits and they’d crossed the safety car line and the regulations were NOT specific about the rules) and getting a 20 second penalty bc Damon Hill was a steward. Haunting FERNANDO specifically at Monaco like the ghost of christmas past? Getting a harsh penalty because ANOTHER driver he’d fucked over was a steward? Forcing the FIA to rewrite the rulebook to account for his nonsense when he was in his FOURTIES? I don’t know another chaos king.

Winning the 1995 championship by crashing into Damon Hill, getting AWAY with it for some reason, and then trying to do the same thing in 1997 to Villeneuve, failing to do so and simply rebounding off of him harmlessly, almost COMICALLY, and beaching his own car in a gravel trap at which point the FIA said “I have had ENOUGH of you Wacky Races Man!” and disqualified him from the entire championship

Forcing Mika off the track so bad at Spa 2000 that Mika realized the only way he was gonna be able to get past him was to re-invent the overtake and go for it whilst they were passing a backmarker. (The overtake itself is at 2:05 in the video but the build up to it is Important bc the key part it’s not just badass, it only happened bc Mika knew who he was dealing with.)

Spa 1998 was a Ridiculously Chaotic race it truly was the Mugello 2020 of its year, and after a crash at the start that took out almost the entire grid Schumi accidentally collided with Coulthard later in the race. (The teams used to have a spare car at every race then, so the race was able to continue after a restart.) This wasn’t a racing thing, Coulthard was getting lapped. So something in Schumi SNAPS, and he storms down the pitlane and tries to fight Coulthard while the mclaren and ferrari mechanics both hold him back and finally drag him away. He projected into the future, saw Coulthard was gonna talk non-stop shit about Seb, and acted accordingly.

Monaco 2012 Pole don’t talk to me about this I still can’t believe the audacity of this man to get the only pole of his comeback, at MONACO, at the ONE RACE where he had a 5 place grid penalty to take!!

In general, I know Cheating Bad but. I HAVE to admire the brainpower it must take to have the rulebook so memorized that whilst driving an F1 car Schumi could spot a loophole the size of the eye of a needle and then dance through it, forcing the FIA to add ANOTHER page to the rule book specially for him bc nobody else even REALISED that loophole existed.

Human Moments

A quick rant about Mika and Schumi’s entire friendship. After Spa 2000 Mika goes up to Michael, says something like “Don’t ever do that again” then they’re friends again. They had this mutual understanding that Racing was not Reality. This goes all the way back to their F3 days they were rivals AND friends for their entire career. They truly were the Sewis of the era if Sebastian was like 50% more evil. Their entire dynamic is “You’re the only motherfucker in this pit lane who can handle me”. Schumi would do some bullshit and every other driver would throw up their hands in frustration and Mika would just go “Okay” and drive better to put him in his place bc he was the only one who could keep up, and Schumi very visibly LOVED that he’s grinning after Mika owns his entire ass with that overtake at Spa. They were unstoppable force meets immovable object and I’m so sad their rivalry isn’t more talked about bc the way Mika is the only driver who can get him to behave like a normal human being is SO entertaining.

This is a sad one so I won’t link it but he started crying in the 2000 Monza press-conference with his brother and Mika when he equaled one of Senna’s records. The press kept trying to ask questions about it and Mika just has this death grip on his shoulder and tries to get them to stop or let them take a break and it’s so sad but also important to know about.

Once said he didn’t want Mick to race in F1 bc the pressure of his name would put Mick under so much stress and he wanted his son to be happy. (He fully supported Mick in his endeavors! But only after making absolutely sure it was what Mick wanted, and making sure he knew he could just race for fun if he wanted and it didn’t have to be F1)

This whole interview just after Mick was born with the Schumacher family. Special shout out to Gina on his head the entire video and also Corinna talking to the press while Michael is captivated by Mick. Me too Michael.

Once allegedly pleaded to take a stray kitten home from the track?

I reblogged this yesterday but. Sticking like glue to Sebastian at an F1 test and immediately being like “This is my new son he’s gonna go far”. There’s a lot of pictures out there also of Michael being a guest at the karting races Seb went to as a kid and baby Seb visibly losing his fucking mind at being given a trophy by his idol. Every day of my life I think about him trying to ruffle Seb’s hair through his helmet at Brazil 2012

WInning the championship in 2000. Him thanking the entire team individually and pausing mid-celebration to kiss his wife Corinna so tenderly it’s in the F1 opening. Also, the way it literally cuts from the rest of McLaren looking like they’re attending a funeral to Mika grinning at him and hugging him fucking SENDSSSSS me.

Schumi was a little shit in all the 2010-12 press conferences like, lowering Lewis’ chair, playing with a microphone wire, but ESPECIALLY corrupting baby Seb and getting him to mess with Nico Rosberg.

He’s just GOOFY! Like I refuse to let him be remembered as a terrifying force of nature he was so goofy kind of similarly to Seb. PLEASE watch this incredibly awkward interview he did with Coulthard on a golf buggy where they both had to pretend they hadn’t thought about murdering each other at least once. I think Sky F1 should force Brocedes to do this when covid’s over. “Do you mind if I drive?” “Yes.”

EDIT: I CANNOT BELIEVE I forgot the 1999 Canada press conference where Eddie Irvine and Mika Hakkinen get into a water fight and Schumi immediately grabs a towel and hides behind it and is like “I had NOTHING to do with it” 🥺 adorable, actually

A lot of people at Ferrari, including Rob Smedley (who was on the other side of the garage with Felipe Massa so not in his inner circle) have said that a lot of the success of the team came from Schumi’s LEADERSHIP more than anything, that he’d make the team get together to bond all the time. When Schumi moved to Ferrari in 1996 they were NOT dominant. He did the same thing Lewis did - went to a team that everybody said would be a huge mistake and helped build them up behind the scenes.

THIS bit of the Canada 2011 Rewind where his engineer gives him the strategy and he’s like “... OkaAaAaAay?” and then when it turns out to be the wrong strategy he cheerfully tells them it’s too late. Little shit.

Speaking of Mercedes I also wanna say that like. They were a MESS in 2012 and his car DNF’d because of a failing on their part MULTIPLE times. (In Canada qualifying his DRS was stuck open and they couldn’t close it.) He did not say a single bad word about them EVER even though the press used this to attack him non-stop as washed-up and bad without Ferrari to cheat for him. At Ferrari he was the exact same with the team, any bastard antics Schumi had for his rivals did not extend to the engineers and crew.

OK this one is soured bc Top Gear is trash BUT if you were like, a kid in England who followed motorsports? Schumi’s fake reveal as The Stig on Top Gear was like the coolest, sickest thing,

Please view this image of Schumi and Mika when they were young and stupid

Iconic Races

ok so I have limited myself to a few races that show off some of his key strengths!

Hungary 1998 / France 2004 - STRATEGY/SPEED - Schumi switched to a 3 stop strategy in 98 and a FOUR STOP strategy in 04 and won both races. In order for the strategy call to work he’d have to basically make every single lap a qualifying style ‘flying lap’ and you best fucking believe he DID THAT. God I fucking miss when Ferrari was the king of strategy.

Argentina 1998 -  has it all. Talent, battling Mika, pit lane mind games with mclaren, and bullying coulthard xxx

Spain 1996 / a majority of the wet races - RAIN - One of Schumi’s nicknames was Rain Master bc he was so fucking good in the wet. If it started raining and you were a Schumi stan you were cackling evilly before the red lights even went out. I single out 1996 bc it was his first win for Ferrari and it was unexpected but in most wet races, even Canada 2011 post comeback, you can see Schumi thriving.

Malaysia 1999 - Schumi missed pretty much the entire second half of the season with a broken leg, came back for the last 2 races with everybody murmuring about whether he would struggle, and immediately put the Ferrari on pole. Also worth noting is that he was the number 2 driver for these 2 races bc his teammate Irvine was fighting Mika for the championship and he went along with that without complaint, allowing Ferrari to win the constructor’s championship if not the driver’s.

Monza 2002, 03, 04, or 06 just because it has the energy of the tifosi kneeling at the feet of an idol to their red god.

Brazil 2006 - Fuck All Y’all - Schumi’s last race for Ferrari. He got a puncture and ended up almost lapped, and then drove his way back from that to 4th bc he couldn’t go out without reminding us he’s a bad bitch.

Monza 2012 - Defending - Don’t tell F1 Twitter that there’s actual footage of Lewis and Michael having a genuine lengthy battle on track but DO watch Michael defending like a motherfucker and Lewis breathing down his neck for half the race we need to talk about this more.

Valencia 2012 - This isn’t necessarily anything special but I cried in my living room over the only podium of his comeback so it goes on here. It doesn’t have the same impact if you haven’t been watching him struggle with the car for years, DNF-ing from car failure most of 2012, and having BBC F1 telling you he’s washed up every single weekend, but you can just enjoy one of the best drives of FERNANDO’S entire career as he DRAGS that Ferrari by its hair to a home grand prix win and then watch the crowds embrace him like jesus and also Schumi being happy on the podium. Also, the very start of this clip from the press conference: him forgetting what language he’s supposed to be speaking 

Basically, Schumi was a hyper-competitive ambitious bitch who turned into a goofball as soon as he switched the engine off. This is by NO MEANS everything if I was making an exhaustive best races guide I’d do more research and another post but I hope this is what you were looking for?? THANK YOU SO MUCH for letting me go MAXIMUM SPECIAL INTEREST and I apologize.

[thedumpsterqueen]

Standards of Performance, Chapter 5: Thai Food and Realizations

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4

AO3 Link

I got this one out QUICK because I'm moving this week and packing is taking up 94% of my brainpower but!! It's out on time!! If I ever have to delay a chapter, I’ll post an update here on my blog. Also, I don’t usually do taglists, but I have had a few people ask - so if you want to be added to a taglist for new chapters, just shoot me a message! I love you all so much, thank you for the continued support and comments!!! <3

Summary:  You’re the BAU’s newest intern, desperate to prove yourself amongst an established team of much more experienced profilers. Agent Hotchner, the seemingly infallible team leader, sets strict expectations for your performance. He commands your respect without even trying, but is there something more to your relationship than a simple desire to impress your stony-faced boss?

Chapter: 5, Thai Food and Realizations

Chapter Summary: You decide to talk to Hotch after the Matthews incident, and wind up discovering a lot more about both of you than you bargained for.

Words: 2616

Rating: Explicit, 18+ 

Pairings: Hotch x Reader, Hotch x You

You weren’t prepared with the immense boredom that came with actually having free time.

The rest of the team had closed the case and flown back (at least you assumed they had; you hadn’t checked), and Hotch had texted you not to bother coming back in until they got a new assignment. You were grateful for the courtesy - a little time to decompress after almost being murdered was nice - but after months of having almost no life outside of the internship, you weren’t entirely sure what to do with yourself.

By the time day four rolled around, you had caught up on the reading you’d been meaning to get to, deep cleaned twice, tried and failed to get into running, and sought out at least a dozen other forms of mindless entertainment. You tried not to think about the fact that this would be the perfect time to catch up with friends if you actually had any, but your college and post-college life spent studying like a madwoman to land a position with the BAU hadn’t exactly lent itself to a healthy social life. There were acquaintances, of course, people you’d spent time with, college boys you’d dated briefly, but none of them had ever lasted. Gotten close.

None of them had ever killed a man for you.

That was the core of it, right? The reason you couldn’t get him out of your head? He’d only known you for a few months, not like the rest of his team that he’d dedicated years to, and yet he didn’t hesitate to end someone’s life in brutal fashion to save yours. You were grateful, of course, given the alternative, but a part of you felt bad. Given his history, he was already encumbered with enough trauma - the last thing he’d needed was another death on his conscience.

That was his decision to make.

That’s what you told yourself, at least. Or tried to. But after four days of the guilt eating at you and failing to distract yourself from it, that thought stopped being reassuring. That evening, after a couple glasses of wine, you finally worked up the courage to acknowledge the idea that had been tossing around in the periphery of your mind for a while.

Committing to action before you convinced yourself this was a dumb idea - and it was, of course, but the slight buzz and four days of isolation said otherwise - you called in an order to the Thai place down the street and heaved yourself off the couch. You tried not to care about how you looked, but changed your outfit an embarrassing number of times before you got the text that your order was ready.

When you first started at the BAU, Garcia had sent you a directory of all the team members’ information. You remembered asking her why their home addresses were on the list - that’s kind of unnecessary, isn’t that, like, personal?  you’d said - and you remembered the sad look she’d given you by way of an answer. Turns out the job had followed them all home at one point or another, usually in a way that required rescuing. As you checked the directory for Hotch’s address, you considered that this information was probably only intended to be used if you needed to save him from an unhinged serial killer breaking into his home, but you figured “thanking your boss for snapping a man’s neck to save your life” was a satisfactory enough purpose.

Turns out, Hotch lived in an apartment only a few blocks away from yours. After picking up the takeout order, you started to make the trek. The closer you got, however, the more your confidence started to waver, and not just because you started to realize how weird you were about to look. Even in the dimming light of the evening, you could tell from the building facades that you were entering a much more well-to-do part of downtown. The storefronts and restaurants occupying the bottom floor of brick condos looked more high-class, the cars parked along the sidewalk more expensive and well-maintained. It made sense given his status in the FBI that Hotch could afford to live in an area like this, but still, you hadn’t imagined it. You hadn’t imagined him living outside of work at all, actually - like an elementary school teacher, it was strange to think that he had a life outside of his job.

You stopped outside of the address on your cell phone, a greystone, ivy-covered apartment building. The doorman saw you pause at the threshold and opened the door from the inside.

“Visiting, I assume?” he asked, as you stepped inside.

Still in shock at the fact that you were in the sort of area that had doormen, you nodded. “Um, yes, Agent Hotchner? I mean, Aaron Hotchner? I work with him. For him, actually. He doesn’t know I’m coming.”

The doorman gracefully ignored your verbal fumbling. “Do you have a badge?”

It made sense that Hotch would use that as a barrier to entry. Smart. You nodded again and produced it from your bag. He waved you on to the stairwell, where you made the climb to the fourth and topmost floor.

You stuttered to a stop outside his door at the very end of the hall. Suddenly overcome with nerves, you took a mental stock of yourself: slightly winded from the four-floor climb, dressed in an oversized sweater and leggings, hair less-than-artfully windswept, hands slightly shaking with adrenaline, clutching a bag of takeout. Not the image you wanted to present to your boss.

God, this was such a fucking stupid idea.

You started to turn away, intending to leave the way you came, when the door in front of you flew open. You yelped, dropping the bag, and turned back to see Hotch standing in the doorway. He was in his work pants, still, but a plain black t-shirt replaced his usual button-up. His left hand was on the half-open door, right hand behind his back, no doubt holding his gun. You put your hands up sheepishly in surrender.

“Hey, Agent Hotchner. Sorry. I just wanted to-”

“What are you doing here?” he interrupted, eyebrows screwed up in confusion.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to, um, thank you. For saving me, the other day. I brought you dinner.”

He continued to look at you like you’d just grown two heads.

You leaned down and picked up the bag of food, holding it out towards him lamely. He looked down at it and finally seemed to relax, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t get many- I wasn’t expecting a visitor. Please, come in.”

It hadn’t occurred to you that he might invite you in, but you weren’t about to pass up the opportunity to see Aaron Hotchner’s apartment. You stepped in, and he replaced the gun he was holding back in a drawer by the entryway, locking the door behind you. You were suddenly overcome with sorrow, knowing his life had progressed in such a way that hearing footsteps outside his door was a cause for alarm.

The apartment was nearly as intimidating as the man himself. Tall, industrial ceilings loomed over the open, warehouse-style floorplan, populated by neutral furnishings. An exposed brick wall on the left housed a stainless-steel kitchen, while a king-sized bed on the far right wall was placed near the only closed portion of the space, which you guessed was the bathroom. The windows were numerous - multi-paned and massive, but curtains were drawn over most of them. It was all a reflection of Hotch - impressive and somewhat cold.

There was a single photo, from what you could see, in the entire apartment - a small frame on the otherwise file-covered coffee table between the couch and flatscreen. It was a photo of Hotch, a woman, and a young child. You found yourself drawn towards it, as Hotch took the bag from you to set it on the kitchen island, and you walked over to pick it up. He was smiling in the photo - a genuine smile, not the tight-lipped imitations you caught a few times at the office - and the sight filled you with emotion. Who was he before you met him? A father, a husband, of course, but what was he like?  Did he laugh at Prentiss and Morgan’s off-color jokes instead of chiding them, did he go out to social gatherings with the team? Did he spare emotion when speaking to a victim’s family, as he so rarely did now? Would he have broken a man’s neck without thought like he did to Matthews?

“You’ll stay for dinner?”

You quickly set the frame back down.

“Oh, no, I wasn’t planning on it. Like I said, I just wanted to thank you. I’ve been thinking about it the last few days and I just feel… bad. I guess. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Why would you feel bad?”

You hesitated, trying to avoid the truth - that he didn’t need another body on his conscience. He waited for an answer, and when he didn't receive one, he stepped closer and scanned your face. "What aren't you telling me?"

You weren't keeping anything from him, not really, you just didn't want it to sound like you were calling his mental state into question like you did at the hotel. It didn't matter though, because he had apparently pulled the answer from your expression already.

“You think I’m damaged. And that killing Matthews somehow added to that.”

There was no point in even attempting to lie to him, so you stayed silent.

Hotch sighed and pulled out a seat at the kitchen island. You took it and watched him distribute the takeout containers between the two of you, noticing that despite insisting you weren’t intending to stay for dinner, you’d ordered plenty of food for two people.

Profiling yourself is the worst.

“When Haley and I were married,” Hotch began, picking at his curry, “I took her for granted. I spent more late nights at work than I can count, and I always assumed she would be there when I got home. She was, at first, and then she wasn’t.”

You nodded, afraid to speak, trying not to disturb the moment you’d somehow stumbled upon.

“She had an affair. I never confronted her about it, but I knew. I didn’t hate her for it, but when she asked for a divorce, I let her go without a fight. I wanted the best chance to keep Jack in my life and I didn’t want things to get ugly between us. It worked - I got to see Jack; we were amicable.”

He paused before continuing, “They were killed a few years later by George Foyet. We mismanaged that case. He was ahead of us the entire time; we couldn’t catch up. When we finally caught him, after Haley and Jack-” His voice finally broke, and he set down his fork, staring at the counter.

“He surrendered. I didn't care.”

“You beat him to death,” you whispered. You’d looked up the case file, after JJ had told you what happened.

He nodded, seemingly unsurprised you were familiar with the details. “I was never charged, hardly investigated. No one blamed me. I took some time off, and I came back. I thought about going back to law, but I didn’t.”

He looked up at you, meeting your gaze. “Why didn’t I?”

You blinked away the tears that were forming, confused.”I-I’m sorry?”

“Why didn’t I go back to law? Leave the BAU? You should know the answer.”

“Are you asking me to profile you?”

He nodded in confirmation. “You’re not going to offend me, don’t worry.”

Hotch was the last person you wanted to profile, especially to his face, but you knew better than to try to refuse.

“You... wanted a sense of purpose. If you could keep the same thing from happening to other people, it would make up for what happened to your family,” you responded quietly. It was an easy answer, but it still felt wrong to put Hotch on display like that, especially after he’d already revealed more to you than you’d ever seen him do with anyone.

“Correct,” he said, without a hint of the bitterness you’d have expected to accompany that statement.

“And did it? Help, I mean?”

He studied your face, as if trying to decide whether to grant you the answer. You were suddenly aware of the strangeness of the situation - sitting feet away from your boss in his own apartment talking about the darkest moments of his life. This was insight you doubted he’d ever given before, and as you glanced over his mussed hair, the black t-shirt, caught a whiff of his cologne, you tried not to think about the implications of that statement.

Clearing his throat and raising his eyebrows, he turned back to his food. “It did. It does, most of the time. The rest of the team has been exceptionally understanding, perhaps more so than I deserve.”

“You deserve everything they can give you,” you said with a small smile. “From what they’ve told me, you’ve done the same for each of them several times over.”

“It’s my job,” Hotch said, but you could tell he softened at hearing how his team regarded him.

You both went back to your food, finishing the meal in relative silence - the kind that was comfortable, where you both knew that everything that needed to be said for now, had been. At least, the silence probably felt comfortable to him. Your mind was in overdrive.

Everything Hotch had said and done the last few months that had caused you to falter - the way he shook your hand when you first signed onto the BAU internship, the innocuous moments of praise, that goddamn tie - they were circling your mind like a vulture waiting for the kill. You had tried to brush those moments off, but hearing him open up like this, bare his soul, was too much. It was the next look you stole, watching him eat in quiet contemplation, faint remnants of the blush from the compliment you paid him still gracing his cheeks, that did you in.

You were pretty sure you were in love with Aaron Hotchner.

You were so, so unbelievably fucked.

____________

When Hotch bid you goodbye that night, after you helped clean up his kitchen (which allowing you to do had been a debate in itself), you had the brief, stupid thought that you should just be honest with him. How long, truly, were you going to be able to hide the fact that you were infatuated with your boss? Especially when your boss was in the business of reading people like books?

That idea went out the window, however, when he leaned against the doorway with his signature half-smile and said, “Thank you for everything tonight. I’m glad you’re on the team,” because you know where you wouldn't be, if you confessed your sudden realization? On the team. Hotch made it clear when he hired you, and every day since, that clear judgement was paramount to the team's success. There was no way he'd trust you to be unbiased in a situation that required it if he knew how you felt. And this position was too much to think about giving up, not after the years of studying and social isolation that allowed you to make the cut.

So, you can do this, you decided. You can lie to Aaron Hotchner.

Right?

[vinatintasupernovita]

im rambling abt really personal harassment/trauma shit under the cut so ✌️

seriously like, it’s a lot,

it’s very weird to start living normally after years of abuse/harassment. My shithead of a father got arrested two weeks ago for constantly stalking my mom and harassing us at our home and thankfully other than one instance, we haven’t seen him since. this might be the longest we’ve been at peace, ever, considering how he acted? and it’s odd in a way.

My father is a horrible person- id hardly call him a person at all, honestly. And until those two weeks ago, he would come over and bug us every single day for the year and a half he’s been gone (despite surfing on our couch for almost 3). sometimes in a good mood- sometimes not. usually not. but he was persistent and it wore us down a lot to the point we just entertained his idiot ass just so he wouldn’t be pounding on the door at 9 pm on a wednesday bc we didn’t answer the door. we dealt w the harassment the nagging the self pity the emotional abuse for far too long. Then we stopped letting him in, and he continued, and it got worse and then, well, we had enough and he ended up in jail for stalking my mom.

i’m still afraid he’s gonna just show up, off the deep end and do something bad (even tho i know he doesn’t have the guts to survive jail nor the brainpower to even attempt something dangerous, despite the way he talks) I check the house cameras every time i hear a car pass but it’s gradually become less so, knowing the sound of his engine rumbling in the driveway cus he never turned off that loud ass truck. and we know he’s not supposed to come near us, but it’s just still a fear. idk what id do if that happened, i just try not to think abt it.

I hope this peace stays, and we don’t ever have to hear from him again.

it just doesn’t feel real yet. like as long as he’s out there, i won’t know real peace. and i hope he dies, i do, he’s done nothing but be an awful abusive person to me and my family and i’ll dance a jig the day he ends up alone in a ditch, but for now i just have to be happy that there’s no knock at the door.

i’ve also never hated the concept of a glass front door more in my entire life.

[florenceandthemachine]

that original lifeline

chapter 4 / 5 - “you deserve what you are given” - 2.2k

in which Eddie has a chance at some closure—but not in the way you might think. 

note the update to the chapter count—it didn't feel right wrapping up everything in one last chapter. the beautiful, wonderful @buckleydiazs inspired a totally new ending with one of her recent works and honestly you should all be reading everything she’s ever written.

that all said and done, I won't keep you waiting too long. the last chapter will be up tomorrow, and I love all of you forever and ever.

read on AO3

For all intents and purposes, Eddie Diaz felt like a dead man walking. 

He had been swallowed up by the Earth and spit back out, in once piece, but that didn’t mean that he was whole. 

For the first month, he seemed to fluctuate wildly between the first three stages of grief, but honestly, he attributed a good portion of that to the mandatory leave of absence he had been given from the 118. He had already lost an eternal being, so sure, absolutely, losing the one routine he had going for him was great!

As ashamed as he was to admit it, his denial spiked the highest whenever he was around Christopher. His son was so good, so fucking kind, and sweet, and it just didn’t feel fair for Eddie to do anything other than smile with him and support him in any way that he could. He had to admit, that was the only shred of silver lining he could see in his mandatory leave—he got to wake up with Chris every morning, he got to take him to school and pick him up after, and he got to give Carla a very, very well deserved vacation. 

If he spent the hours that Chris was out of the house begging to a God that he figured hated him, well, that was his own business. 

When he did get angry, Eddie made damn sure to do it on his own time, in his own house, in his own state of being—he would sooner jump back under an exploding fire truck than allow any of his anger leak through to Chris, and besides, the only person that he was really angry with was himself. He still didn’t know why he had volunteered to go down in the first place—Chim would have been the much more logical choice, he was smaller, he was lighter, and he could move faster, all of that proven when Chim had successfully pulled the kid out of the muddy hole in record time. Unfortunately, there was one thing he didn’t have—the heaps of fucked up brainpower that Eddie seemed to tap into whenever he was out on a call that involved a kid. 

Somewhere around the six week mark, Eddie’s brain had finally given up on bouncing back and forth between denial, bargaining, and anger, and instead slipped right into stage four—a deep, comfortable, whole body depression—one that felt impossible to shake, one that felt like a thick, weighted blanket, wrapped around his body, layering guilt, sadness, shame….

…well. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone that he wasn’t in a great place. But what the hell else was he supposed to do, go to therapy?

“Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m sad because my guardian angel died. I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks without nightmares about being buried alive. Why yes, I am still on active duty as a firefighter.”

Yeah, that was going to go over so well.

One of the many fucked up surprises this newer, nihilistic state of being brought him were the rare moments when he managed to break out of the shell he used to call a personality. He would snort with a sudden spike of laughter at something a comic on television said, or feel a pulse of genuine sadness when he was reading Chris his bedtime story. The moments were few and far between, and they were never more than a few seconds long. 

So, the surge of resignation he felt when he saw red and blue lights erupt in his rearview mirror came as something of a surprise, in and of itself… and then he realized he was going ten over the limit, and resigned this entire day to another page in the Eddie Diaz book. 

It was one of his rare days off—rare, because he had been picking up every extra shift he could to help keep his mind busy—and Chris had been overjoyed at the idea of spending a day with Abuela, a rare treat for both of them once Carla entered their lives. Eddie had swung by after work, had an early dinner with his family, kissed Abuela and Pepa goodbye while dodging all of their questions about what was wrong, and why he looked so sad, and if you would just talk to us, Eddito. He had ignored it all, skillfully loaded Chris into the back of his truck, pretended not to feel a little envious when his son passed out within minutes, and—

—and now he was getting pulled over for speeding.

Eddie allowed himself all of five seconds to rest his head against the steering wheel, the urge to scream only lessened by the knowledge that Chris was asleep in the back of his truck, before he pulled out his wallet and fished his license and registration out. He rolled his window down as the officer started to walk toward the truck, unable to even entertain the idea that he was going to drive away with less than a ticket for whatever it was he had done wrong.

“You can go ahead and put those away.” 

Eddie blinked in confusion as the officer approached his window, his hand hesitating awkwardly before he slowly pulled his arm back inside his truck, the cards tossed absentmindedly onto the passengers seat of the truck.

“I don’t need your license to know who you are, Edmundo. It’s good to finally meet you. I’m sorry it had to be like this, but I had to ensure we wouldn’t be interrupted.”

Typically, an announcement like that usually would have set off every siren in Eddie’s head, but he hadn’t had the energy for something like that for weeks now. Instead, he shifted in his seat, not quite leaning out the window but definitely getting a better look at the officer standing just outside his truck, the lights from her squad car still blinking in his side view mirror. 

“How do you know who I am?”

She smiled, expression sharp and calculating, and Eddie didn’t need her to take off her sunglasses to know that she was looking him over, staring right through him. He didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt desperate that she would approve of whatever it was that she saw. 

“My name is Athena.”

Suddenly, things clicked in his brain, and it wasn’t just in the sharp smile of the officer—or, not officer—standing in front of him. He was knocked back, almost violently, sitting outside of a shitty shake shack with Buck, ankles knocked together under the table, laughing about whatever.

He almost choked as a surge of emotion shot through him, rattling the very shell of his empty being, a sadness and a guilt so strong, so overwhelming, that it threatened to spill out of him in a moments notice. He gripped the steering wheel so hard he wouldn’t have been surprised if he bent it, face going through a flurry of emotions, not trusting himself to speak when he couldn’t even breathe. 

Fuck, here Eddie was supposed to be strong, for his kid, for his teammates, and four words had him blinking back tears in the drivers seat of his truck. “Athena, I—I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what he was going to do, I wouldn’t have let him, I promise, this is all my—“

“Hey, hey, stop that.” She took a small step forward as Eddie felt his jaw click shut, tucking her sunglasses into her uniform pocket. “I don’t blame you for anything, and you shouldn’t be blaming yourself. Buck told you about our relationship with free will, right? Well, he had it, too. Everything he did was by choice. His energy was his own to give, and you can’t beat yourself up for him choosing to use it on you. He wouldn’t want that.”

Her smile had softened into something more genuine, something more understanding, and as much as Eddie wanted to let it calm him down, wanted to trust it, he… couldn’t.

Eddie felt another wave of emotion surge forward, dangerously close to the edge—anger this time, hot and sticky in the back of his throat. Here this perfect stranger was telling him what to think, what to believe, what Buck would want, and the worst part of it all was that Eddie had no reason to doubt her. All in all, he really, really didn’t know Buck—not as well as he thought he did, certainly. But maybe not even at all.

No sooner did that thought enter his mind did his anger die down, leaving him feeling nauseous, guilty, and as gross as it was to admit it—a little pleased. He hadn’t felt genuine emotion in so long, he had been beginning to think he couldn’t anymore. 

Eddie let out a rattling breath as he leaned forward to rest his head on the steering wheel once again, only now, Athena looked mostly sympathetic, arms loosely at her sides, thumbs tucked into her utility belt as she waited for Eddie to get his bearings again. 

“I miss him.”

Athena let out a little laugh as she nodded her head, her smile wide again, looking at Eddie with something between fondness and exasperation. It was a look he had grown very used to, spending more time with Abuela.

“I know, Eddie. I do too.”

They shared another moment of silence while Eddie counted his breaths, interrupted only when Athena cleared her throat and looked down, kicking at the ground near Eddie’s front tire.

“I’m not going to stand here and try to placate you with promises, or niceties, because this world is already unstable enough, and I am not going to waste either of our time. I’m here to offer you a choice, Eddie. I’m here to offer you a chance of… closure, of sorts.” 

Eddie felt his pulse start to quicken as she spoke, not because of the words she said, but because Eddie could already feel it—the same warmth, the energy that used to dance around Buck, was already beginning to swirl around Athena’s narrow frame, making Eddie homesick for a place he didn’t think he would ever be able to return to. 

“What, um…” He had to swallow, taking a moment to look at Chris in the rear view mirror, still conked out against his doorframe. “What exactly are you offering me?”

Athena’s jaw was squared again, slowly lifting her hand up from her belt, fingers splayed before her. If it was a little darker out—if Eddie closed his eyes—he could almost swear they were luminous.

“Buck was under my care, he was my responsibility, and that means you were too, even if it was in an indirect way. Eddie, I didn’t know what was going to happen, before or after you went down that hole, but I hope you believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that. No human should ever have to deal with… with a loss of that magnitude.”

And there it was, the unbreakable truth that Athena had been dancing around since she pulled him over. Loss. It was a loss, Buck really was gone. Not an angel, not a guardian, not anymore. Eddie had to swallow again. 

“I can’t lessen that pain. Only time can do that, and to what extent, even I don’t know. But what I can do is take it away from you, make you forget. Your life will still be your own, but the moments where Buck shone through will be altered, so you’ll have seen the situations just like any other human would have.”

Eddie took in a deep breath, letting it out between loose lips, taking in a few more before he could speak. “So it’ll be like I never saw him in the first place. Like I never knew what was protecting me.”

Athena nodded her head, moving her fingers slowly, focusing on them as much as she was on him. “It’s important to me that you understand I won’t force you to do anything here—this is all your choice. And I’m sorry to say it’s a choice you have to make relatively quickly, I’m already breaking enough protocols being here right now.”

Eddie laughed—he couldn’t help himself, the sound pulled from his throat without him expecting it. “So I guess you’re where Buck got his strict adherence to the rules, huh?”

Athena clicked her tongue and leaned in to smack his arm with her free hand, but the smile on her face was genuine, the touch feather light compared to what Eddie knew she could do.

“His presence has been a bright spot in your life, and I’m glad for that, but I know it can get awful dark without that light. So, it’s up to you. Do you want to keep living, having had this experience, but knowing that no one can relate to it, can help you past it now that it’s over? Or do you want to forget you ever saw his light, to be able to move forward without this darkness weighing on your heart?”

-

For the first time in months, Eddie was able to sleep through the night. 

[gottawriteanegoortwo]

ok, just wanted to make sure!! do you think i could request heist mark getting insecure about why y/n hangs out with him even though there are a lot of tougher/smarter egos?? and they’re just like “dude... i’m literally in love with you..”

Word Count: 549

-

As much as Mark hated being honest with himself, he couldn’t understand you at all. You two had been friends for a few months now, but now he had been ‘incorporated’ into the ‘ego’ project… Whatever that meant. But since you were the only friend he had, it meant you got to know the eccentric group of egos. It was nice at first, since it alleviated some of the nerves of having to deal with more people. 

In time, of course, you became rather popular. Mark wasn’t angry. If anything, he was delighted for you. You were the hero in the adventures, and he was just the sidekick. That simple role seemed to be in danger as you two made it a habit to hang in the social spaces in the ego building. Others would approach you to hang out. Just you. Not Mark. Yet you would constantly refuse or ask that Mark join you. The more it happened, the more the nobody felt something eat at him inside. You could literally hang out with anyone at all, and here you are. You didn’t notice until one day he almost seemed to curl inward with how withdrawn he was.

“Why are you wasting your time?” He asked, voice shaking. “I’ve done all I can, right? There are tougher, stronger, more entertaining guys here. Why do you always stick by me? I’ve got nothing they have, and they’ve got far more than I’ll ever have.” You gave no answer, opting instead to give him a deadpan expression with a side of raised eyebrow. At least being friends meant that it gave an explanation words might not have. “I know that look. I’m missing something obvious. Just skip the formality and be blunt with me for once. If you want to hang out with others, that’s fine! I don’t need to be part of everything you do. I can do things on my own. And I know you don’t think I can. I’ve gotten in plenty of trouble before but -”

On and on he went. You knew Mark rambled when his mind was racing, regardless of the mood. Two options were clear in front of you. You could say nothing and let him get it all off his chest, or you could interrupt. Choosing the latter, you decided to cut the train of thought in the manner he asked - as blunt as possible.

‘So I should spend time with anyone else because I’m not allowed to spend it with the man I’m in love with?’

It worked exactly as you hoped it would. Mark’s voice trailed off, staring at you blankly until he mustered enough brainpower to utter a tiny “what”. It was cute, in a way. In another way, it was worrying. Was his sense of worth that low that he honestly didn’t consider this as an option? You insisted that it was true, and offered a hand to him. It was trembling, but his hand was soon in yours.

“I feel like you’re pulling my leg. I’d bet I’m the least interesting person here -” 

You cut him off with a kiss to the cheek. That confidence needed a bit of work, but you wouldn’t back down from a challenge that let you spend time with such a darling man.

[yupuffin]

So this past weekend, I may have unintentionally discovered a sort of gateway back into writing...

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned this here at all but I used to write (fanfic and roleplaying) A LOT. I’m talking I did NaNoWriMo seven or eight times in a row between grade and high school and hit 50k words all but the first year (iirc I got around 20k-25k the first time I tried it), and was constantly writing stuff the rest of the year as well, on top of all of the drawing I was doing. (Fun fact, this means I learned to type really fast.) I suddenly quit writing altogether in high school for what was in retrospect a pretty dumb reason, and I even knew it at the time, but nevertheless I just lost all of my motivation for it all at once and just never fully came back to it. I tried to dip back into it a couple of times in the years it’s been since then (namely this one time after my most recent rewatch of No. 6 when I had a song stuck in my head and basically wrote an essay in the form of a ~2k-word introspective fic), but overall I’m just completely out of practice and now I don’t even have the brainpower to form a cohesive plot. I also can’t really continuously focus on writing for the length of time it takes to formulate more than a few paragraphs.

Maybe with all the lull this year, I recently fell out of reading as well. But this past weekend I happened to be in an intense Namari Hime headspace while reading and translating an excerpt from one of the DIZZ novels. At the same time, Aki happened to be listening to and participating a virtual “Write a Fic in Five Minutes” panel where the host would give the audience a one-sentence prompt and then set a timer for five minutes and... you can probably predict where this is going...

Since I was focusing on another task and my brain was switching back and forth between languages I was only half-listening, until a new round started and I heard the prompt was “Cowboy up!”

so I turned around and was like okay Aki you HAVE to write a Namari Hime fic about Justin Jive Justify

and of course she was super confused like what how

So long story short I ended up slamming out 192 words of baseless, no-context, completely unedited Namari Hime fic in under five minutes

and it was really fun. Like I basically treated it like an improv game (I’m not-so-lowkey a theatre kid by training), like okay I have this ONE idea I have to build off of, so I come up with a general scene idea but then I have to introduce new details and context not only continuously, but also VERY QUICKLY to make something that at least sort of makes sense. I’d totally do it again

and why not? I don’t usually have the focus for thousands of words, but I can easily focus for five minutes or so to pound out maybe a couple hundred. Just because it’s that short doesn’t mean it’s not a fic. And then I don’t have to spend a lot of time and energy and brain power I probably don’t have coming up with a seamless, coherent plot when I can just turn it into an improv game and come up with a few ideas as I’m going along, so I end up with just a scene that is nevertheless entertaining.

I don’t know if I’m going anywhere concrete with this, but hmm. I could stand to write a few more short fics. Maybe it’s drabble time.

[exhaustedfander]

First Comes Love: Chapter Seven

Word Count: 5,583

a03 link

Link to previous story in the series: When is Enough Enough?

1  / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / ?

TW For Homophobia. This one’s really angsty, folks. 

Everyone was already in attendance by the time Remus and Logan arrived. Virgil and Roman, of course, considering they were the hosts, Janus and Patton, as well as their friends Emile and Remy who Logan had known since college. It was a small group, which admittedly helped out with Logan’s anxiety that was currently going through the roof.

It was a strange thing to consider, thinking back on the fact that Logan had just helped Remus out with his own concerns about the party as well as their relationship and all of the things Logan was under the impression went unsaid. It seemed like there was more to Remus’s nervousness than he’d admitted, but lost in his own anxieties, he didn’t have the brainpower to dwell on it.

It was more than a little jarring, walking back into the house that night. Nothing has changed about it since a year ago, of course. But so much else had changed, so much was going to change that night. Both men hoped they could get through it without collapsing considering how high-strung they both currently were.

“Well if it isn’t the guests of honor,” Roman greeted boisterously as he opened the door for them, a broad smile on his face.

“Good evening Roman, Virgil,” Logan said, acknowledging the emo who stood at Roman’s side, smiling as well, if not a bit too forcefully. Good lord, Logan prayed these two didn’t give his plan away.

“Hiya Bro-Bro,” Remus said as they entered the house, “What’s up, Virge? Still hanging around this loser?” He asked, gesturing to his brother. Roman slapped a hand over his chest, gasping defiantly.

“I beg your pardon?!” Virgil only laughed.

“Yeah, he keeps me pretty well entertained, don’t you, princey?” Roman grumbled something inaudible under his breath. “Still hanging around that nerd?” Logan rolled his eyes as Remus threw an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close so that they were hip-to-hip.

“And I wouldn’t trade him for the world.”

“Well, are we going to stand in the foyer all night or are we gonna take this outside?” Roman asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Even despite being teased a mere few seconds ago, he couldn’t shake that grin if he tried.

“Then, by all means, lead the way,” Logan said, lacing his fingers with Remus’s and following as Virgil and Roman lead them out onto the patio. The weight of the situation hit full force as they stepped outside, seeing all of their friends who greeted and congratulated him and Remus warmly. While he’d been hyping himself up for this moment for the last two weeks, now that it was actually upon him, Logan was more than a little out of his depth. In fact, he was feeling a bit like he was going to be sick.

It wasn’t as though this wasn’t exactly what Logan wanted; it was, it really,  really was. All he wanted at the end of the day was to be with Remus for the rest of his life, but that couldn’t take away the fear that had latched itself onto him.

Logan had a speech planned out; one he’d rehearsed tirelessly. He’d double and triple checked that he had the ring on him and gone through the plan in his head again and again. He was going to do it after everyone had eaten dinner and the chatter had died down a bit. He’d raise a toast to Remus and their relationship thus-far, something that would already be expected of him considering the circumstances, before he’d drop to one knee and ask Remus to be his for forever. It was one of the cheesier ideas he’d had in all honesty, but Logan couldn’t bring himself to care. This was his happy ending, and he was seizing it.

So why was he so goddamn nervous?

Glancing at Remus, his boyfriend didn’t seem much better. His hand clasped in Logan’s was clammy and there was a nervousness to his smile that Logan couldn’t entirely account for, which was odd, considering how much better Remus had seemed right before they left.

“Hey, is everything alright?” Logan asked quietly, sitting beside Remus on one of the benches on the patio. Remus paused his bouncing knee, facing him with a smile that was all too forced. Logan could certainly relate.

“Me? Everything’s fine,” Remus said quickly, turning in Patton’s direction who was currently chatting with Remy, “Hey, Pat? You on grill duty tonight?” Patton grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“No, that’s Jan’s job. I’ve kinda been… banned from grilling since y’ know…”

“You nearly set our balcony on fire last time you tried to grill?” Janus supplied as he walked over and placed a hand on Patton’s back.

“What can I say? I’m pretty flameous for not being the best cook,” Patton said, earning a light-hearted groan from all those around him.

“Patton, babe, how many of those puns you got?” Remy asked. Logan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“No – no don’t get him started.” Patton’s smile broadened.

“Well, I dunno, Remy. I lack a buffire  when it comes to puns.” Janus did his best to hide the smile on his face, but to no avail, meanwhile, Remy was openly chuckling. “Avert your blaze if you don’t want to hear more of my absolute fire  puns.” Logan placed his hands over his face, now thoroughly distracted from Remus’s odd behavior.

“Remus, dear, please kill me. End my suffering.” Patton laughed.

“Aw, I wouldn’t want you to suffire, Lo.”

“I think that’s quite enough, for now, Angel,” Janus said, intervening gently, “We wouldn’t want to further upset the dear extinguished guest of honor.”

Logan whined.

“Oh god, sometimes I forget that you’re nearly as bad as he is, Janus,” he said, turning to Remus before he could even open his mouth, “I swear if you make a pun right now, I will scream.” Remy snickered.

“Well, I think you’re a riot, Pat. I’m used to puns at home as it is, ain’t that right, babes?” He asked his sweater-vest-fairing husband who now stood beside him and wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Sure is!" He said before gesturing to the couple, "So, a year, huh? That’s a pretty exciting milestone.” Remy sighed fairly dramatically, but nothing that was out of the ordinary for him.

“Babe, I  swear, if you talk about work right now, I’m gonna go ballistic.” Emile chuckled fondly, shaking his head.

“No one said anything about talking about work right now, but I am curious, you two, as to which fusion you’d say best encapsulates your relationship?”

Emile said something after that, but by that point, Logan’s mind was occupied only with fear. Everyone’s words were melding together, so much so that Logan could hardly tell who was talking. It took Remus shaking his shoulder, somewhat forcefully, before he finally snapped out of it.

“Dragonfly? Hey, are you good? You okay? I kept saying your name, but you weren’t answering.” Logan felt heat rise to his face. How long had the others been trying to get his attention? How could he be so lost in his terror-filled thoughts? Good lord, how was he ever going to escape this night in one piece?

“My apologies,” Logan said, hoping he wouldn’t be further questioned, “It seems I was lost in my thoughts. What were we discussing?”

The conversation continued, somehow, without being derailed too much. But Logan doesn’t miss the fact that Remus is squeezing his hand just a little too tight, sticking even closer to him than he usually did. Remus knew something was wrong, god, of course, he did. But simultaneously, Remus was clearly distressed as well. How could everything feel so wrong?

Janus grilled up the hot dogs and hamburgers, the friends all chatting amongst themselves. Logan was far too mindful of the knowing looks in Virgil and Roman’s eyes like they were seconds from cracking under the impression and confessing that Logan was going to propose. They wouldn’t, of course, they were too good of friends to do so, but the fear wouldn’t leave Logan’s mind, no matter how much he tried to banish it.

Patton knew too, considering he’d needed to lie and say he was spending time with him, and if Patton knew then surely Janus did as well. He hadn’t considered it before, the pressure all of these people knowing held, all of those eyes on him. This was supposed to be a celebration, a momentous occasion on which Logan would ask Remus for his hand. Now, though? The party felt like torture, a punishment he realized was self-inflicted. This was what Logan wanted, why couldn’t he be happy with it? Why did Remus seem so upset? Everything swirled together in his mind until almost nothing made sense.

By the time everyone had finished their dinner and the chatter had died down somewhat, Logan realized this was his cue. This was the moment he’d been waiting for. But searching through his mind, the speech he’d memorized perfectly fell to pieces. Fractures of sentences remained sensical – light of my life, best surprise I’ve yet to receive, love, I want you forever, want, want, want. It was nothing concrete, just gaps in between the full scope of what he wanted to express. He searched, damn it, he searched, but he couldn’t find it. Panic bubbled, swelling with each breath.

And then Remus let go of his hand.

“Logan…” there was deep hesitation in his voice, flickering nervously. Any conversation between the others silenced, “Dragonfly, there’s… there’s something that I –.” Remus cuts off when the sound of a cellphone ringing rippled through the tension.

All eyes landed on Patton who smiled sheepishly, muttering about how he thought he’d silenced his phone. But then he registered who was calling and a serious, almost scared look settled over his face.

“I’m so, so sorry you guys! It’s – it’s my mom. I’ll just be a second, keep doing whatever you were doing without me! I’m sorry!” He said quickly, walking back into the house and putting the phone to his ear as he answered and shut the door behind him. Logan turned to Remus, feeling nothing but cowardice. He just couldn’t do it. Not now, not with everyone’s eyes on him, not when everything had gone so off course.

“Do you want to continue what you were saying, love?” He asked, hoping the tone of his voice didn’t convey the deep-seated disappointment. Not in Remus, never Remus, and certainly not Patton either. It was a disappointment in himself. Remus shook his head, a wide, indescribably strange look in his eyes.

“No I’ll – I’m just gonna wait until Pat comes back.” Silence settled over the group, tense and thick and terrible. Remy spoke up, God forgive him.

“So… is something like up with Patton’s mom or something?” Concern shone in Janus’s eyes, though it looked like he was trying to keep it at bay.

“Patton’s parents are fairly conservatives and there have been… altercations in the past.” Emile rose an eyebrow.

“Altercations?” Janus nodded, gritting his teeth.

“Yes. To be blunt, time and time again they’ve been cruel to Patton and were very unaccepting when he came out. They’re still not very good about it and I’m doubting how much progress they’ve made.” Emile frowned.

“Well, that certainly doesn’t sound healthy at all.” Janus bit his lip.

“It’s not. In the least bit.” Remy shrunk back.

“Jeez, sorry I asked…”

Roman and Virgil shared uncomfortable glances, looking at Remus and Logan and back to each other. It was obvious what was about to happen, but now things were looking iffy, to say the least. Logan looked like he was about to pass out, Remus didn’t look much better, and the rigidity of the atmosphere was tight and constricting. Hopefully, Patton would return in a few minutes and everything would work out like a fairytale.

Unfortunately, it seemed that was not to be. Patton emerged from the house; utter horror written all over his face. His phone was still held limp in his hand. He blinked, and there were tears in his eyes. Janus was on his feet in seconds.

“Patton? Angel, what’s wrong? What happened?” Janus asked, almost frantically, placing a hand on his lover’s shoulder. Tears ran down his cheeks.

“She… she said…” Patton hiccupped, his breath hitching. Janus already looked like he was going to burst into flames with anger. “She said they’re done.”

“Done? What do you mean done? Pat, honey –.”

“They – they thought it was a phase. They thought I – I was gonna get it out of my system and I’d marry s-some girl someday. Janus…” Patton let out a sob, the sound heartbreakingly raw, “S-she told me if I don’t – if I don’t leave you that I can’t go back home. I c-can’t go back home. Janny, I can’t – I c-can’t –.”

The moment Janus’s arms were thrown around him, Patton collapsed against him, fisting his hands in his shirt and sobbing loud and broken into his chest. Janus whispered to him, rubbing circles into his back as they stood, watched by their friends who had no clue what to say. What could possibly make this better?

“I – I’m sorry, Remus, L-Lo,” Patton muttered through his tears, pulling away from Janus for a moment, “T-this was supposed to be your n-night and I ruined it. ‘M sorry. I’m s-so sorry.” For a moment, Logan found his voice.

“It’s alright,” he said from where he was seated, not daring to stand with them, “You don’t need to apologize, you didn't ruin anything. I can’t express how sorry I am, Patton.” The others provided their own apologies, their own condolences.

“We’re going home,” Janus said, holding Patton close to him as he cried, “I apologize for leaving so early, but I need to –.” Remus shook his head.

“Go. Take care of him, it’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. It wasn’t anything close to Patton’s fault, it was never a child’s fault when their parents were so, so cruel. Patton had held onto his strained relationship with them but now they were cutting that chord. They did so at the absolute worst time, but it had happened. Logan could do nothing but feel sorry for Patton, and then feel guilty for feeling so sorry for himself. If he hadn’t been such a coward if he’d only managed to get the worst out. If only.

After Janus took a sobbing Patton to the car and they’d driven off, the party was promptly ended. No one could stay, not after that.

Logan lingered in a hug with Virgil as they parted ways, hearing the way his friend whispered: “I’m sorry.” That’s all this night was. Far too many “I’m Sorry’s”.

Remus and Logan drove home in silence, the quiet following them to their bed. Logan meant to ask Remus what it was that he was going to ask, but he simply didn’t have the energy. They said very little to one another as they lay beside one another, not tangled in an embrace like usual. The gap between them was small, but as far as Logan was concerned, it was an insurmountable gap. He didn’t have any clue how to get across.

He shut his eyes, praying for sleep to take him away from this night, from the guilt and cowardice that he felt.

Just like his speech, Logan failed to find it.

=+=

[itsjustdg]

Checking In Update

Check Up Tag (since 2020 just keeps getting crazier...)

Tagged by @disappearinginq​

How has your day been?

Eh... honestly, not the greatest. It took me a while to get out of bed and ready for work this morning, and I've been dealing with fatigue and chest pain all day. I'm currently *this* close to telling my boss I'm going home for the day and slightly wondering if I should be concerned enough to go see a doctor rather than just go home. Except now it’s pouring rain (because we needed a tropical storm on top of everything else) so I think I’d rather stay inside than try to drive in it.

(They still don't know if I actually had COVID in March or if it was some other virus... "apparently" the antibodies don't necessarily last more than a month or two, so even my blood test is now inconclusive - whereas they initially told me I didn't have it. Ever since I got over actually being sick, I've had a laundry list of lingering symptoms. I'm supposed to see a pulmonologist on Monday so we’ll see how that goes, I guess.)

What was the last thing that made you smile?

My kitten playing "peekaboo" with my sister/roommate around a doorframe this morning.

What’s keeping you entertained these days?

Said kitten. :) Also, a handful of TV shows and my attempts to write fic in between being too exhausted/headache-y/brain-foggy to concentrate on written words. (I have a few things to read, but I haven't really had the concurrent time and brainpower for that yet.)

If you’re in quarantine/isolation, is there anything you’d like to achieve during this time?

I'm back at the office so not really quarantined any more. Although it feels like I kind of still am because I've only been doing pick-up orders at stores and restaurants. But I don’t have a lot of energy left at the end of a workday (and the weekends are basically recovery days) so I really just want to get through life right now.

Post a selfie if you want.

How about a kitty? She's been helping keep me sane lately. 💛

Tagging: Some of you who I would tag have already posted this so... anyone who hasn't and wants to.

[gold-eyes-vengeful-heart]

Red and Blue

((A fight.

Contains 5.2 spoilers! Also contains some amount of body horror from uh canonical events, basically.

Also part 1 of a 2-part fic just fyi :Dc))

===

The eternal storm of the Ghimlyt Dark boiled and raged overhead, and on a mountainous outcrop, Runya waited inside Blue’s cockpit.

Optical screens around him hummed with life, around where Runya sat, and his hands rested lightly on Blue’s controls as his golden eyes scanned the horizon, ever watching and ever waiting. Blue’s crimson eyes followed his every glance, lending his discerning stare to the search, but coming up just as empty as Runya was. Nothing but smoldering fires, dead machina, dead soldiers, more dead machina, even more dead machina...

{Hmph.}

Blue’s annoyance slapped at his ankles like a playful wave, and he let out a huff of his own. “And here I thought I was the impatient one.”

{Don’t like it. Where is he?}

“Oh? Dear Blue,” he purred, “don’t tell me that you’re less the impatient one and more the nervous one?”

{You’re inside.} Blue’s tone couldn’t help but be accusatory, apparently, but Runya just let go of the controls a moment to placatingly spread his hands. (Even if Blue...maybe?...couldn’t see it, he could get the gist of the feeling well enough.)

“Fair is fair on that, yes. You are also covered in fulms-thick armor and are many, many times my size, might I add.”

Another annoyed splash of thought, but a wordless one this time.

“Between the two of us,” Runya continued with a smile, “I believe we’ll be able to overcome whatever this Ruby Weapon is like. We’ve been practicing, you know...” But he trailed off as he saw a point of red-orange glow appearing over the horizon. Rocket engines.

Blue took a preparatory few paces back, heavy clawed footsteps thudding into the dark earth.

“And I do believe he’s here.”

The frisson of tension that flew up their spines like lightning was shared between pilot and Weapon, and with a sharp clanking of metal, Blue’s lance-like backpack weapons extruded his magitek boosters; not something of ceruleum, but something significantly more magically-based in nature. (Strange, for an Imperial project, but Runya was quite certain that the Garleans had been just as lost as the Allagans, apparently, had when it came to what Blue was, really.)

“Shall we?”

A quick run and a leap off of the cliff, and Blue’s wings spread to catch the air--and the boosters flared to life in a roar of wind and fire aether, propelling him not just forward but upwards, too, into the roiling skies overhead. Rather conveniently, Runya had intended, when it came to providing cover away from the Ruby Weapon’s sights. They arced up and up, angling their flight until they were close enough to see their opponent itself, a brilliant garnet against the dreary browns and greys of the battlefield below.

Runya didn’t need to say anything more, with how Blue was listening to his thoughts so closely. After a brief rise, Blue folded his wings and the thrusters roared brilliantly to their maximum capacity, and Blue dived like a hunting falcon right at the Ruby Weapon and rotated his lower half just a moment before impact so he rammed his claws into the red Weapon’s shoulders and sent them both flying straight into the dirt.

--

Iron Sights squinted through her sight-glass, even though she couldn’t see sweet shite-all in that massive cloud of earth and dust and Halone-knew-what swirling in the air over there.

“What happened?” Sorin’s voice next to her rang tensely in her right ear. “Did it crash?”

“Well...in a matter of speaking.” She heard Sorin snorting in annoyance, though, and elaborated. “Your buddy and your big dragon-machina friend decided to join the party. Seems he got a bit ahead of us on fighting this thing...” But when she looked back over at the Miqo’te, he had gone awfully pasty, and was already getting back up to his feet and looking over at the Manta vehicle she had parked just yalms away. The ray-shaped creature that was its 

“We need to get over there. Now.”

--

Well, Runya would be lying to say that the flight and the dive hadn’t been exhilarating. His heart still pounded in his chest and his very being sang with Blue’s power, pulsing through his mind like a second heart. Blue got to his paws quickly, after that violent collision, and the Ruby Weapon was slower but not too much more so to get back to its feet as well, the permanent snarl etched into its features deepening at the sight of the slightly-smaller machina. And much to Runya’s surprise, a voice came from the thing--a woman’s voice, at that.

“What is this? Some Eorzean trick?”

Runya just clicked his tongue, though, and let Blue project his own voice right back at her. “Oh, come now, you can’t have assumed you were going to just stride on in here unresisted, were you?” He was, however, forced to send Blue jolting back as the Ruby Weapon took a sudden swipe at him.

“No matter. You’ll fall like all the others!”

Runya chuckled and urged Blue to one side, dodging yet another--oh, really, that thing’s claws weren’t long enough as it was and it could shoot them?!

“Blue, dear.” Now it was just him speaking to his Weapon, even as he jinked to the other side to duck yet another slash of the extending claws. “We need to get in the air. Now, preferably.”

And Blue agreed, judging by how quickly he did just that, in a rush of fire and wind. But good gods he just barely missed another swipe, and even being in the air didn’t stop the barrage of lasers, of missiles, of claws and claws and claws--

“Come on, Eorzean!” The enemy pilot taunted him as they were forced into dodging even more strikes, and he couldn’t even verbally respond, all of his considerable brainpower was so taken up by the task. And even then, some of them scored hits, Blue’s armor groaning in warning. “I thought you were here to oppose me, not entertain me!”

No matter how high they bloody went, he couldn’t escape, and Blue’s telepathic tension grew once more, until it threatened to boil up around his neck and take over entirely. But he doggedly kept his head above that metaphorical water and drove them both up into the clouds, where he still held some hope of losing this near endless barrage of assaults...

“You think you’re being intelligent, don’t you?”

Runya could barely hear the voice, at this distance...but he didn’t get any more warning than a faint red glow at a spot in the clouds below before they were ripped asunder by a vicious red beam, and it scythed straight into Blue’s side with a rending shriek of energy and metal and of Blue and Runya yowling at the sudden shared pain of the former to the latter as his side and part of his wing were both torn open. No no no they couldn’t, they were dropping but they couldn’t there had to be some way around this he just had to think but he couldn’t think with Blue’s ripping pain tearing into his side through the mental connection they couldn’t escape {help help HELP NO} he just had to think--

Blue slammed to earth and for the moment, they were both near blinded by the increased force on the wound carved into the Weapon by its opponent. And though Runya was still himself enough mentally that he had the sense through the pain to know that he had to move, and even though they started to move, it was too slow and the Ruby Weapon’s blunt foot slammed hard into Blue’s bad wing to pin him down.

“Oh no you don’t, Eorzean.” The Ruby Weapon’s ugly features creased into a terrifying grin, and it even leaned into that foot to put its full weight on it. “This is pathetic; you didn’t even last a minute. You can’t even control that thing properly, can you? Not against one of the Empire’s strongest pilots!”

The Ruby Weapon slammed its vicious hooked claws into Blue’s side and pulled, rending the armor and even some of the eerily-biological flesh underneath it in the process, but...slowly, languidly almost, as if either the other Weapon or the pilot or both were enjoying this far too much.

All he could do was grab at his side and let his mind continue to whirl and think he had to find a way out of this but how, there had to be a way--

{help HELP HELP}

“You’re through, and after I crush you, the others are next.”

Sweet hells he just needed two straight seconds of concentration and he could figure out how to get this to work...He wasn’t about to just sit here and let that thing stomp him and Blue to death, but godsdamn this whole thing--

{GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF}

Blue was practically writhing and snapping to try and throw the Ruby Weapon off, but it just let out a guttural snarl and leaned in more, ducking the bites, pulling and pulling as the giant orb in its chest started to glow that red eerie glow again--aimed right at the hole that it had torn in Blue’s armor.

“We’re putting an end to this, here and now. We won’t even need to involve the others in this if this is all the Eorzean forces can throw at us. Even the Warrior of Light and his vaunted Echo will be no match for us!”

...That was it. Now he knew exactly how he was going to find out how to find a way out. 

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, keenly aware of what he was asking not only of Blue, but of himself, as he whispered aloud. “Blue, dear. I need to use some of your aether.”

{???!!!!!} The wordless response was, of course, tetchy in a situation like this and felt more like a wet slap to the face than anything else, but he kept his thoughts on the idea he had managed to squeeze out between all the panic and noise and more noise.

“Trust me,” he hissed, his grip tightening on the controls as an extra tug of the Ruby Weapon’s claws made his entire side throb in pain. “I’ll get us out of this if you just let me do it. Please.”

Not a word that passed his lips often. But when he used it, he meant it, and when else could he mean it but right now?!

“Please, Blue.”

The interminable silence, broken only by the groans and cracks of yielding armor and the hum of the Ruby Weapon’s cannon charging, burned into his head, each second ticking in his mind as steadily as drops of acid. But...but. With a sudden snick that he more felt than heard, Blue actually listened to him and let loose a flood of aether into the cockpit, a flood that his body--or rather the implants inside it--absorbed like parched earth and channeled immediately into the very augmentations that were usually little more than a torment to him (but not now). It was a flood of familiar power and a too-familiar smile of his own glittered in the dimming lights of the cockpit as they temporarily powered off to shunt even more aether into him...

He closed his eyes as they started to sting, golden shocks running painlessly over his skin and activating the tattoos there.

“Oh, yes. Yes.”

In the darkness of the cockpit, his eyes suddenly snapped open, and the eerie golden patterns of a Resonance blazed brightly enough in his now-black irises to illuminate the panels in front of him once more. 

“Yes, I have missed this!”

The cockpit suddenly lit back up, revealing the Ruby Weapon just moments from finishing its full charge, but now...now Runya felt absolutely no hesitation being faced with what seemed to be his own death. Now, he just grinned from ear to ear, exposing jagged fangs, and saw highlighted in eerie golden light exactly what he had to do as the Resonance blazed to glorious life.

“There!”

It was sheer mental impulse more than active movement of the controls that sent Blue’s tail whipping up like a striking snake. And with unerring accuracy, the thin sharp “claws” on the tip of it found their mark: buried to the bases in the Ruby Weapon’s face, crushing into one of its eyes with a ringing of shattered glass.

“No!”

The Ruby Weapon’s pilot was almost drowned out by the Ruby Weapon itself’s pained roar, and it reeled back to pull itself free of the tail-claws buried in its skull. In the process, however, it loosened up the pressure on Blue’s wing and he rolled, pulling completely free and whipping his entire tail back across the Ruby Weapon’s chest. The ominous crack that was most definitely not just metal on metal didn’t escape Runya’s notice, either.

“Oh, good. I wasn’t keen on putting up with that any longer than I had to.” He urged Blue back up and instantly sent them both barreling into the Ruby Weapon head-on, despite the violence of the glow starting to emanate from its chest once more. It didn’t take him long, in fact, to simply ram Blue’s head into that core-like thing in the other Weapon’s chest...once, twice, thrice, and it started to spark eerily, and a fourth and a fifth time with Blue’s rear claws kicking at it was enough to finally send pieces of it shattering and flying from the force, taking the eerie sparking red with it.

“No, you can’t do this!”

“I can do precisely what I wish,” Runya chuckled back, the unstable smile spreading widely across his face at the sheer power humming through himself and Blue both--he could swear that something in Blue had activated right when his own Resonance had, but he barely spent a moment on that thought in favor of luxuriating in the sheer force he could exert with barely a flex of his own mind. “Come now, you’re one of the Empire’s finest pilots--I should be no match for you!”

So goaded, the enemy pilot snarled and the Ruby Weapon snarled with her, using Blue’s proximity to try and carve into him with its hooked claws. Blue, however, could see just as Runya did and saw the shining gold provoking him in further and so he lunged and got inside the swipe to charge into the other Weapon’s chest. Thrusters flared and the Ruby Weapon tried to force him back but it was nothing and Blue’s own roared with raw power and succeeded in shoving the Ruby Weapon back, slowly, slowly...

“It’s over!” The Ruby Weapon slammed its hands to earth, and one less attentive might have just presumed that it was scrabbling for purchase against the rushing force--but when the soil around its claws bubbled and both Blue and Runya saw the hint of gold warning them of an attack so inbound Runya was quick to redirect the thrust Blue was exerting forwards instead of backwards, propelling the blue Weapon back and away and just barely out of the spiked flexible claws erupting from the earth. Right where they had been standing, in fact, but Runya felt nothing but elation and cackled in vicious glee as he sent Blue soaring.

“You really thought some Imperial scum could beat me? The one who’s sworn to kill you, your kin, your friends--everything you and your sick nation stands for?!”

He turned Blue and the joints in the Weapon’s armor glowed a violent white, Blue’s jaws parting and revealing an ominous glow deep in his throat. Runya felt the ball of aether raging and growing and his ears perked sharply forward, his smile more a slash of an expression in his face than anything of humor.

“You actually thought you were good enough, righteous enough. Pathetic. You can’t even control that thing properly, can you?”

The swell of aether peaked, and Runya didn’t hesitate a moment to unleash it with a snap of his fingers and a single thought that released like the trigger of a gun.

“Do me a favor and die, Imperial.”

A beam roared from Blue’s jaws, at that; a single, focused beam that yet remained jagged around the edges, raging with unaspected raw aether that sparked and cracked around it as a lightning bolt, crossing the span in an instant and with a sonic boom of displaced air that set dust and dirt flying from the shockwave...and the beam itself slammed straight into the large cracked orb at the Ruby Weapon’s center.

It went straight through, cutting through metal and crystal and auracite and who knew what else more smoothly than a knife through wet paper. The Ruby Weapon screamed at the blow, reeling back as its claws withdrew from the earth, but Runya barely heard it for his own crazed laughter, a sound echoed by Blue himself as they hovered like a dark carrion-bird above the dying corpse of its prey. 

“Oh, you’re still alive? My congratulations, soldier, you’re a little more stubborn than I expected!”

The Ruby Weapon glared balefully up at him with its single remaining eye, the snarl carved into its face never letting up a moment, even when its pilot spoke. “...Legatus Silentius had some idea of what he was doing.”

“Oh, and you knew about him? Charming, now I have another reason to kill you.” Blue swooped low and landed, but kept his wings spread as he advanced, armor still glowing faintly and his jaws still steaming from the shot he had fired earlier. “I’ll be sure to take my time just like you were. It’s only fair.”

“You won’t get the chance, Eorzean.”

“Ah, another thing you’re wrong about.” Runya laughed low in his throat, that strange smile still on his face as his Resonance-glow eyes narrowed. “I’m hardly on their side, either. No more than I’m on theirs.” 

“Activating mode: Oversoul.”

The Ruby Weapon’s back rippled, at that. Even though it was clearly on its knees and sparking and barely able to so much as twitch, the thick armor of its back stirred, and though Blue had before been just as murderously focused as Runya had been, allowing his mind to float along on the river of Blue’s bloodlust, now it was shot through with sudden dread that neither of them could explain. 

But Runya...Runya was still caught up in his own hatreds, and so when Blue hesitated more than just a moment, he shoved forward roughly on the controls and just as roughly on Blue’s thoughts, even though he may as well have been pushing against the tide.

“Go, damn you, we won’t get a better shot at killing the two of them than this--”

That armor on the Ruby Weapon’s back cracked, opening like an egg and revealing something white and disgustingly slick that rose like a larva...at least, before it suddenly spread wings. Dragon wings. And not just any dragon’s wings, either-- 

Blue took a few steps back, and instead of mantling over the Ruby Weapon, now he was flaring his wings defensively, that sense of dread intensifying until Runya was struggling to keep focused on anything but that. “What’s your problem?!” he hissed, but he just got more of the wordless fear in response. “It’s just another thing to kill...”

The figure that hatched from the Ruby Weapon was not unfamiliar to him, however, and in the dreadful moment where she straightened up and stared with undisguised smugness and disgust at him, he had to just stare a moment to realize that yes that WAS Nael van Darnus, but how--?

The skies reddened above, the earth lit afire from below in a radiating pattern of hellfire, and above all of it, a blood-red moon appeared, only to burst into brilliant Allagan patterns and reveal itself to be not just any moon but Dalamud descending, bringing a violent hail of comets with it, all of them screaming from the sky and some of them landing just short of Blue--he remembered this from years ago, but he was more confused than frightened of it but then where was this sudden terror coming from it roiled up so violently from outside his head but inside it that he was forced to let go of the controls and grab his head and hiss a swear in pain as his own heart felt like it was going to rip itself out of his chest in paralyzing fear...

Blue kept staring. But as the former Ruby Weapon’s pilot panicked and tried and failed to keep control, her mind obliterated in a single telepathic swipe, and as Nael outstretched her hands to the image of Dalamud and commanded it to wipe the earth clean of these unworthy souls, Runya felt Blue vibrating--no, shaking...

And Blue screamed.

[inahazzze]

Wayfaring Stranger

⭐ Please enjoy this fluffy meet cute one shot featuring AU poet dad!Harry and a bisexual singer OFC! It’s roughly 7.7k words. ⭐

***A/N: I’ve been working on this for a while and I’m really proud of it so I would super appreciate any likes/reblogs/asks/feedback about it!! Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think :) x ***

Sav’s eyes are mostly shut against the blinding sun when she slows to a stop to catch a breath with her hands on her knees. After 45 straight minutes of running, the sound of her own heartbeat has started to compete with the electronic rock pumping through her headphones. She makes sure that she’s out of anyone’s way on the sidewalk and leans against a boarded in shop front to relieve her aching legs. She drinks deeply from her water bottle and holds one finger against her wrist in concentration. After a minute, she starts counting under her breath so that she doesn’t keep losing track of what she’s up to. Sav can usually complete this routine on autopilot, but this morning she can’t stop thinking about the text she received from Erin about two hours ago. Which is saying something that it’s taking up all her brainpower, as she hasn’t even read the text yet. She could only see the first line, which was enough to lead her brain to comprise every possible follow up to I’ve been thinking about sending this text for days. Sav wasn’t even meant to go for a run this morning, but it seemed like a better idea than walking circles around her apartment until she had to leave for the afternoon shift at work. Who texts their ex at 8am on a Friday morning?

It’s already been two hours since the text came in, so Sav decides to get it over with and finally read it before she chickens out. She pulls her phone out from her bra, cleans the screen against her leggings, and reluctantly opens the message.

I’ve been thinking about sending this text for days. I’m sorry for what I did. And for everything I said. I miss you.

It feels like her heart has been ripped out again. Right when she feels like she’s finally starting to move on and heal, Erin has to go and do this. All she can do is stare at the screen and try not to cry. Erin was the one who broke up with her two months ago and now she thinks she can just text and Sav will come running?

It’s at this point that Sav realises that there’s a man sitting only about a metre away, watching her with a slightly concerned expression. He’s wearing a grey newsboy cap and a striped white button up that’s undone to the length of a hanging cross necklace. Countless tattoos peek out from his pushed-up sleeves and his hands are adorned with large silver rings that reflect the sunlight. The man is leaning back against his chair, one hand around his phone and the other wrapped around a steaming cup of black coffee. Sav hadn’t even realised that she’d stopped next to a bustling cafe.

“Can I help you?” She asks him, only realising that she sounds a bit aggressive after she’s spoken. She hadn’t even registered that he was there, so she’s just a bit taken aback to notice that someone had been watching her.

When he smiles at her, it’s genuine and kind. “Are you alright?” He asks.

Sav immediately feels bad that she snapped at him and took her frustration about Erin out on this stranger.

“Yeah, um. Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.”

“Don’t sound too convinced, if ‘m honest,” he says.

Sav doesn’t know what to say back, so she just looks back down at her phone as if it will give her any answers on what to do. She’s thinking about what to respond to Erin when she hears the man speak again.

“Are you Aussie?”

“Um… yeah. Why?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I get it, I’m just a random guy on the street.”

“No, it’s all good. I’m just… I’m having a shit morning,” she says.

“I only ask ‘cause my daughter’s Aussie. Well, technically.”

“Oh,” Sav says with eyebrows raised. She didn’t think he looked old enough to have any children. “What do you mean technically?”

“Her mum’s Aussie. And she lives with her mum, so she’s been picking up all sorts of things from her.” Sav doesn’t miss that he casually slips in a comment about his daughter’s mother living separately to him. “She’s only visited Australia twice, but already fancies herself a real Aussie Sheila,” he says, badly mimicking a Crocodile Dundee sounding accent for the slang term.

Sav laughs and loosens up a bit, feeling slightly better about talking to this stranger. He’s nice, and their casual friendly chat is taking her mind off of Erin – even if only just a little. He seems harmless, and isn’t asking her anything inappropriate or invasive like men on the street usually do when they try to talk to her.

“I’m sure your daughter is a real Sheila if she sounds like… that.”

“Hey!” he says, drawing out the word. “Are you saying that my incredible impression of a very standard Australian accent isn’t a realistic one?”

“No, you’re right, it’s absolutely perfect.”

“That it is,” he says, clearly trying to keep a straight face. The subtle beginnings of dimples begin to peek out the sides of his mouth from under his blushing cheeks. You smile lightly and let your tense shoulders relax a little more.

“Um… do you wanna talk about it?” He asks after a moment in a slow drawl.

Sav hesitates a moment, unsure of whether she should open up to this virtual stranger. It usually takes her a while to trust people but for some reason she finds herself answering him honestly. Gesturing at her phone, Sav releases an unnecessarily dramatic shrug. “It’s just my ex, s’all.”

“Ah,” he nods in understanding. “Recent break-up?”

“Yeah, but I’m okay,” Sav says, unsure if she’s trying to convince him or herself. He waits patiently as she gathers her thoughts. “Been a few months. This morning she texted me out of nowhere.”

“Tough one, that,” he says with sincerity. Sav’s relieved that he didn’t make a comment or seem to react in any way to the she pronoun that she let slip. London’s a progressive city, but she always tries to be careful just in case. Sometimes people make a big deal about it and start to ask invasive questions, and other times people will very clearly show their surprise or disgust or arousal. The fact that he didn’t do any of those things makes her immediately more comfortable around him.

Sav is shocked out of her thoughts when a nearby bus honks at a passing car. She meets his eyes dead on, and notices how light they are. In overcast London, most people’s eyes look a standard brown until you really look. Today is sunny enough to show off how his are tinted a mossy green, like a dull blade of grass after a really hot day. She finds herself wondering how the colour changes based on the light. She wants to see him again solely to know if the green in his eyes will become brighter, or softer, or bluer.

“Did you want a coffee?” He asks, and she notices how smooth and soothing his northern accent is.

“Oh, I…” Sav looks down at her watch to see if she even has time before work to sit and have a coffee with him. She hadn’t realised how long she’d been running and it’s later than she meant to be out for. She’s considering saying yes, even if she’ll be forced to rush into work a bit late. He’s nice, cute and funny, and maybe this is exactly what Sav needs. But on the other hand, he is a complete stranger that she met on the street. He seems completely harmless and even told her about his daughter, but she can’t help but feel weird because she doesn’t know him. They’ve only had a short conversation, after all. And to top it all off, Sav is now more confused than ever since Erin’s text this morning, so she just wants to be alone to process and think. On a better day, she might have agreed.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to, by the way,” he cuts in to her thoughts.

“I do, I just really ought to be getting home,” she says with her best attempt at a genuine smile. She tries to convey her thoughts to him but he breaks their eye contact.

“No worries, have a wonderful day, then,” he says with a finality that Sav doesn’t like. His voice isn’t cold, but it’s definitely more distant and polite than a minute before.

“You too,” Sav says as she starts to walk away.

“Wait,” she hears and spins around. “What’s your name?”

“Oh, right. It’s Sav.” She hadn’t even realised that they hadn’t introduced themselves.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Sav. I’m Harry.” His warm smile returns for the briefest moment.

“Have a good one, Harry.”

Even though a part of her regrets rejecting his offer of coffee, Sav leaves feeling like her Friday morning has already drastically improved.

~

TWO WEEKS LATER

The Thursday afternoon set at the Barwon Lounge Club is never the most exciting one, but Sav still feels grateful that there are a handful of people here to listen to her music. She often prefers days like this to the busier weekend shows, even though she doesn’t get as many tips, because at least some people listen to her when it’s not so busy. It’s not that she blames people for talking over her - they came here to eat, drink and have music in the background. They didn’t come here specifically to see her. She accepted that a long time ago and considers it a part of the job. At least she can still do what she loves, unlike her bartending job where she pours beer for grumpy old men for hours.

It’s just Sav and her guitar on the tiny stage in the corner of the dining room, playing to a large open space filled with tables and couches. She plays Thursdays to Sundays, doing an alternating set of all the slow, low-key songs she knows. Her boss likes to remind her regularly how it’s most important that she blend into the background. She’s not there to entertain, but to fill silence.

She’s almost halfway through her standard set when she’s pulled out of her trance. Her eyes go wide in surprise when she sees Harry enter from across the room. Harry, who she’d met almost two weeks ago and has thought about countless times since. She doesn’t normally talk to strangers on the street and she definitely doesn’t usually think about them after their interaction. There was just something about him - he stuck in her head like a catchy song on the radio.

She’s frozen in place, forgetting to immediately transition to the next song. A few people eating lunch look over towards her, because nothing is as noticeable as absolute silence. When Harry meets Sav’s eyes, he breaks out into a wide smile. He’s wearing loose blue jeans and a black t-shirt, with his hair held back in the same newsboy cap she’d seen him wear on the day they met. He moves closer towards the stage to find a table to sit at, and once he’s closer Sav can see that he’s not alone. He’s holding the hand of a young girl, maybe four or five years old, with beautiful dark olive skin and rich chocolate curls atop her head. She’s hiding behind a chair that’s taller than her and looking up at her father with a furrowed brow, communicating something to him. He sighs and smiles at her, bending down on his knees to speak softly to her face-to-face. Sav can’t hear what he’s saying but notices the child nodding her head before pushing her curls into her father’s chest. Harry wraps his arms tightly around his daughter and peppers her with multiple quick kisses to her cheek.

At this point, Sav’s boss peeks his head around the corner and raises his eyebrows at her. She knows that he’ll tell her off if she doesn’t restart soon, so she gathers herself with a deep breath and tries not to think about Harry now being here. She clears her throat and spontaneously decides to play a song that she wasn’t planning on doing today. Eva Cassidy’s Wayfaring Stranger is one of her favourites, plus it’s one of her most polished songs vocally. It wasn’t necessarily for Harry, but it was a little bit because of him. When she sang the song in a set last week, she was thinking about him as her wayfaring stranger, who she’d probably never see again. In a city as big as London, it didn’t seem all that likely. The lyrics of the song aren’t at all reminiscent of their first run-in a few weeks ago, but for some reason the song is now connected to him. It was a passing thought that has been growing in her mind like a vine since.

As she gets into the song, Sav closes her eyes and forgets she has an audience. That often happens when she sings her favourite songs; the ones she knows like the back of her hand and doesn’t need to think about while singing them. It takes her somewhere that she can’t explain, and the music flows through her as if it’s yearning to be heard of its own accord. When she sings, she goes to a place that she can’t get to while doing anything else. It’s a place somewhere outside of herself – somewhere peaceful and powerful all at the same time. When she sings, she feels free and like the truest version of herself.

As the song comes to a close, she slowly opens her eyes to a smattering of applause that brings her back into the real world. The most enthusiastic applause is coming from Harry and his daughter, which makes her smile. It’s the most applause she’s gotten by far today, and it makes all the difference in the world. Sav’s boss peeks his head back into her view and holds up one outstretched hand at her to signal that she has a 5 minute-break now. She usually gets one roughly halfway through her set so that she can go to the bathroom, or get some fresh air. Sav nods at her boss as she places her guitar into its stand and reaches for her water bottle with the other hand.

Glancing back up, she notices that Harry’s staring at her with a focused intensity. Even as his daughter bounces up and down in her seat and tugs at his sleeve, he’s watching Sav with a look she didn’t see when they first met. The look is strangely intimate and vulnerable, and she feels like in this moment he can see straight through her. See everything that she is, has been, and wants to be. She doesn’t know what look she’s giving back to him, but she knows that she certainly wouldn’t say no if he asked her to have coffee with him again.

Harry gets up from his seat and holds his daughter’s hand securely as he helps her jump out of the chair like it’s a game. They start walking towards Sav, leaving their things at the table because it’s that kind of venue.

“That was amazing!” The young girl says enthusiastically, drawing out the word amazing for as long as she can hold her breath.

Sav smiles widely at the bouncing child. “Thank you very much young lady. What’s your name?”

She pokes Harry’s leg incessantly. “Daddy, she sounds like Mummy.”

“That’s right, sweets. She’s Australian too,” he says to her in a gentle voice.

“Ooh!” She says while jumping up and down. “What’s your favourite animal?”

Sav giggles a little and Harry emits something in between a sigh and a laugh. “Love, the nice woman asked you what your name is, will you tell her?”

“I’m Asha,” she sounds out proudly.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Asha, I’m Sav. And my favourite animal is definitely dogs.”

Harry shows off his dimples when she responds to his daughter with ease. She clearly knows how to speak to children without talking down to them, and this fact warms Harry’s heart even more than her singing did.

“I love dogs.” Asha beams. “My favourite animals are elephants.” She says the word like ewephants, and Sav has to restrain herself from vocalising how cute the gorgeous girl in front of her is.

“I bet they’re like this big,” Asha continues, stretching her arms to her sides as far as they’ll go and throwing her head back.

Harry and Sav chuckle and share a quick look of adoration for the child.

“Would you believe that they’re even bigger than that!” He says to her, eliciting a gasp.

“Even bigger than-“ She nudges Harry’s arms up until he plays along and stretches his arms out to his sides too. “-That?” He nods seriously and she drops her jaw open in dramatic shock. They all giggle, and Sav is reminded of why she loves children.

“By the way, Asha’s right.” Harry says after a moment. “That was really incredible, Sav.”

“You remember my name,” she reflexively voices her first thought.

“Course I do,” he says with a furrowed brow. She likes how he displays his emotions clearly on his face. “Couldn’t forget you,” he says a little softer.

“Daddy, I’m hungry,” Asha says with a masterful pout.

“I’m gonna go order now for you, sweets. Chicken fingers?” He asks her with raised eyebrows, clearly unsurprised by the animated response he gets from his daughter.

“I need to go finish my set anyway,” Sav tells him, shifting a bit to pick up her guitar.

“I’ll see you again after, yeah?” He says. She nods, and he takes Asha back to their table.

For the rest of her set, Sav has to force herself to not keep staring at Harry. He’s also trying to avoid looking over at her too much, but is grateful that he can always hear her voice even if he can’t watch her. He cuts up his daughter’s food and asks her about this morning’s lessons at school, but has one ear trained on Sav’s music all the while. He’s entranced by her voice, even just her presence, and wants to take up this opportunity to make sure that he gets to see her again.

At the end of her set, she slowly packs up her things and thinks about whether she should go over to speak to Harry again or see if he comes to her. Luckily, he waves her over before she loses her nerve and heads home.

“Again, that was amazing,” he says as soon as she walks up. He stands and takes a step away from the table, where Asha is engrossed in colouring an ocean landscape with crayons.

“Thanks,” she says, not knowing what else to say.

“Did you- um. Did you want to grab coffee?” Harry asks.

“Now?”

“No, uh. I’ve got Asha today, so it’ll have to be another time. What are you doing tomorrow? Oh wait- you didn’t even say yes yet, did you-”

“I’d love to get coffee with you, Harry,” Sav cuts into his anxious rambling with a smile. “I’ve got another set here tomorrow though, then I bartend afterwards, so I can’t in the day.” His face begins to drop until she quickly clarifies what she was insinuating. “But I’m not working the night shift.”

She’s rewarded with the brightest smile he’s shown her yet. “Can I- I know we don’t really know each other, but I’d love for that to change. Can I make you dinner?”

A smile creeps on to Sav’s face. “It’s a date.”

Harry heaves an audible sigh of relief and puts his hands into his pockets. “It’s supposed to be a nice evening tomorrow night, so how do you feel about a picnic in the park?” He looks down and blushes. “I’d really like to cook for you.”

“That sounds really lovely,” She replies softly, silently relieved that he doesn’t want to take her to a fancy restaurant. She never feels like she belongs in really upscale places and always manages to embarrass herself somehow.

“It’s a date,” he repeats her phrasing with a broad grin. She can’t believe this is happening. She’s not just going on a date – she’s going on one with a man she’s been thinking about for weeks but thought she’d never see again.

They agree to meet at a park nearby at 6pm the next evening, and Harry gives her his phone number in case she’s running late from work or has any issues finding him. He then needs to take Asha home for a nap, so he gives her one last bright smile before saying goodbye and leaving.

Sav makes her way to the bathroom to hide from her boss and jumps up and down with giddy, childlike joy at what just happened. She’s going on a date with a cute boy and she couldn’t be happier. She knows that there’s no guarantee for how it will go, but something inside of her says that it will go well. She just has a good feeling about it. And about him.

She sits down on the closed toilet seat, thinking about how long it’s been since she’s been on a date. That’s when she remembers that she never responded to Erin’s text from two weeks ago. She kept putting it off but never knew what to say, so she just said nothing.

Sav takes out her phone and decides that seeing Harry again was a sign. She texts Erin one last time, and it feels so good.

I’m moving on, Erin. And so should you.

~

There’s a larger audience for Sav’s set the next day, but it feels like something’s missing without Harry in the audience. After she saw him again yesterday, he became all she could think about. She felt a bit silly about it as she’d only met him twice, but truthfully she was just relieved that she was no longer thinking about Erin. She replayed all their interactions, thought about his smile and his kind eyes, and how he looked at her when he watched her sing. She thought about his gorgeous daughter and how he looked like such a good dad even though he must’ve had her at a fairly young age. She thought about how he remembered her name and said that he could never forget her, and how excited he looked when she agreed to go out with him.

It’s lucky that Sav knows the music of her set so well, because she’s so distracted thinking about the date that she’s mostly running on autopilot. Her brain is so jam-packed with thoughts about tonight’s date that she almost misses Harry in the back of the room, watching her set.

“How long have you been here?” She asks when she’s finished and able to approach him.

“Not that long. Didn’t know when you started so I thought I’d try a bit earlier than I was here yesterday.”

She’s absolutely dumbfounded that he’s standing before her. “You came back.”

“I did.” He’s blushing a little. “I wanted to hear you sing again.”

“Oh,” she lets out in a heavy breath. “That’s… no one’s ever done something like that before.”

“Really?” She thinks he might be sarcastic at first, but he’s genuinely surprised. “Your voice is… it blew me away. Plus, I like you,” he says, his cheeks reddening even more.

He’s laying it on thick and Sav doesn’t know how to react. No one has ever been this forthcoming and complimentary to her before. She opens her mouth to respond but can’t think of a single thing to say.

“I hope this is okay- me coming back. It’s only just occurring to me that it might look a little creepy,” he says, holding his bottom lip between his forefinger and thumb.

“No, it’s not creepy,” she says quickly to ease his mind. Her mind is still spinning that he just said plus, I like you. He added it on so casually. “Um. Tonight- do you still want to…?”

“Yeah, course I still want to go out with you tonight, that very much has not changed – uh, has it for you?” A dash of panic flickers over his previously confident expression.

“I still want to,” she assures him.

“Plus, I realised that I forgot to ask you – do you have any allergies or food preferences?” He says, slightly startled when Sav laughs at him instead of responding.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothing, that’s just – you’re really thoughtful. It’s a good laugh, I promise.” He smiles sheepishly, and the expression shows off just how much his daughter looks like him. “I’m vegetarian, actually. Hope that’s okay.”

“It’s great, I’m glad I checked!” His enthusiasm also mirrors his daughter’s, even though he’s obviously a fully-grown man. “Alright then!” He claps his hands a little too loudly, and a few patrons look at them. Sav pretends that she doesn’t see her boss watching them from behind the bar.

“I should really be getting back to work.” She says, unsure of how to say goodbye when they’re meeting again in a few hours.

“Course, just – should I pick you up? Want to be a perfect gentleman,” he says with a cheeky smirk and a comical gesture as if he’s tipping his hat at her. “But we can meet there if you’d rather.”

Sav blinks up at him in disbelief. He’s really thought of everything, and impressed her more than she thought a man could at this point in her life, and the date hasn’t even started yet.

“Meeting there is good,” she manages to say. “Six still fine?” That gives her enough time to get ready after work and still enjoy a few good hours of sunlight with Harry in the park. She’s more excited than she’s been for something in a long time, and her ex is out of her mind completely for the first time since their split. It couldn’t be better.

“Perfect.”

~

Even though Sav had thought about it all day, she hadn’t managed to decide on what to wear to the date by the time she got back to her apartment. She didn’t have time to dawdle, but still managed to try on eight outfits before settling on skinny jeans and a flowery blouse. She wanted to strike a delicate balance between casual and dressed up to look good on her first date in a while. Even though Harry’s already seen her today, Sav feels pressure to leave a positive first impression tonight.

She doesn’t live too far from the park they’d arranged to meet at, so she decides to walk the half hour to ease her nerves. Fingers dancing in her pockets to let out some anxious energy, her mind fills with every possible scenario of how the date might go. She’s excited but worried that she’ll somehow ruin it or do something to scare Harry away. It’s a good thing she arrives when she does, because her worries start to spiral and lead her to the assumption that the date’s going to go wrong for one reason or another. She enters the park a few minutes early to find Harry standing next to a small fountain in the centre of the green. He’s doing something on his phone but puts it away as soon as he sees her.

“You look beautiful,” He says with a genuine smile once she’s within hearing distance. She mumbles a thank you and stumbles over her words until she tells him that he looks nice as well. She has a feeling that he’d look nice no matter what he wore, but finds him particularly attractive tonight. He’s changed his outfit from earlier today too, and is now wearing tight-fitted black trousers with a slightly unbuttoned silken white blouse. The shirt is a bit see-through, so she can tell that he’s inked much more than she thought. She hadn’t previously noticed what look like two birds on his chest, and all she wants to do is brush his silken shirt aside so that she can properly admire them. A small tuft of chest hair peeks out at her from between a few parted buttons, and she has to tear her mind away from thinking too much about what he’d look like without any buttons done up.

“Great, shall we find somewhere to sit then?” He asks, reaching down to pick up a picnic basket and blanket that Sav hadn’t noticed. As he leans down, she’s suddenly extremely grateful to whoever perfectly tailored his trousers. She doesn’t know what’s gotten into her, and desperately wills her mind and body to behave.

“Over by that tree looks nice, don’t you think?” He suggests and begins to lead them through the park. He sets up the blanket in an unoccupied shaded area and offers her the first choice of seating.

“I cut up some fruit and made some vegetarian quiche for us,” he says. “Hope that’s alright.”

She raises her eyebrows, already impressed by the effort he’s put into their evening. “Quiche? Damn, sounds fancy.”

“What, have you never had it before?” He’s clearly shocked.

“Should I have?”

“Well I guess there’s a first time for everything,” bringing out the smirk she’d seen glimpses of before. Harry serves her a piece of quiche on a plastic plate and leaves a small platter of fruit in between for them to pick at. She takes a bite, only a little self-conscious that he’s watching her intently.

“So?”

“It’s… terrible. Inedible. I think I’m getting food poisoning, actually.”

His face drops for only the slightest moment before he rolls his eyes and bites his bottom lip with a smile. He tries to act annoyed but Sav can tell that he’s trying not to laugh. “Very funny.”

“I think you might have to take me to the hospital, now that I think of it.” Sav presses both arms across her stomach in a dramatic gesture and almost loses her composure in the process.

“Oh, stop it,” he laughs, trying to swat at her folded arms as she pulls away giggling.

When their laugher dies down, she takes another bite of the quiche and reassures him. “Being serious, though? It’s delicious. Thank you for making it, it’s really sweet of you.”

Harry looks down at his lap and blushes, clearly pleased that his effort has paid off with both banter and a genuine compliment. As they eat, Sav asks Harry about Asha and mentions how sweet and well mannered she was yesterday. He brightens up immediately at the sound of her name and Sav feels her heart flutter in her chest. He tells her about how his daughter is joyous, funny, loveable, cheeky and thoughtful.

He tells her a story about one time that Asha broke out into Man, I Feel Like A Woman at the top of her lungs in a supermarket even though she didn’t know any words beside the title line. This somehow morphs into Harry telling her another story about how Asha believed she could speak Italian by merely putting on an imitation of the accent when they travelled to Italy for a holiday last summer.

“Sounds like you already have plenty of material to embarrass her with when she’s older,” Sav says, grinning ear to ear.

“Gotta collect ‘em early, I hear,” he says. “To blackmail her as a teenager.” They both devolve into a fit of giggles and exchange blushing smiles back at the other. A few moments of comfortable silence pass with mouths full of watermelon and berries before Harry speaks with a completely different tone of voice.

“You know…” He’s a little hesitant and takes his time. “Sometimes I think that Asha’s the one true love of my life.” Sav just about melts.

Before long, their natural rapport eases her completely into Harry’s company. She unconsciously leans against the scratchy picnic blanket with one wrist and gives Harry her full, undivided attention. He asks her about how she started working at the Barwon Lounge Club, and compliments her again on her voice and guitar skills. She doesn’t know how to react to the repeated compliment and instead changes the subject to ask how he found himself in her workplace with his daughter on a weekday afternoon.

“So, were you stalking me or something?” Sav playfully asks, trying her hand at initiating some light flirtation.

He laughs but answers seriously. “Just a happy accident, m’afraid.”

“Happy indeed,” Sav says, looking down at her empty plate. She thinks about how this is going so much better than she’d even let herself hope.

“She’s usually in reception at that time on a Thursday, but I had to take her for a dentist appointment next door. And then she was suddenly hungry, and I wanted to hear where the beautiful voice was coming from.”

She wants to tell him off again for his sneaky compliment but lets it slide because she’s secretly enjoying it. Then she realises that he’d mentioned a word she’s unfamiliar with. “Sorry, what’s reception?”

“Oh, it’s like kindergarten, or kindy I think it’s called in Australia, right?”

“Course, I should’a guessed that.” She says. “Yeah, it’s kindy. We basically call everything a shortened nickname of the actual word.”

“Yeah, I’ve certainly noticed that. Asha likes to pick up some of them that her mum says, like ‘footy’ instead of football, and she’s started asking for a ‘biccy’ when she wants a biscuit.”

Sav laughs. “Now that’s someone who speaks my language.”

“It’s pretty cute, I’ll admit,” he says with a grin.

“I’ve been in London long enough that I should really know all the lingo by now, but I keep finding that I obviously know nothing.”

“How long’ve you been here?” He asks.

“Two years. Was living in Scotland for a few years before that, though.”

He whistles in response as if he’s impressed. “I love a worldly woman,” he says, and somehow makes it sound sweet instead of weird or creepy.

They spend the next hour talking about the places they’ve lived and travelled, and all of the places that they want to go to next. Sav tells Harry about how she hiked through Spain and stayed in strangers’ homes each night before continuing on. Harry tells her about the time that he got drunk in France and woke up in Belgium. They talk about how much they both love Japan and how they’d both love to do a coast-to-coast road trip of the US. They each manage to eat two pieces of quiche and a sizable amount of fruit while they chat. He’s so enamoured by her presence that he almost misses her pre-emptively, even though the date hasn’t ended.

“Wait,” Sav says suddenly. “I don’t even know what you do, how have I not asked you that yet?”

“Oh, well, I’m a writer.”

“What kind?” She’s not surprised – he seems like the type.

“I write poetry,” he says with a blush. “’And I teach at a college a few days a week.” Sav is about to respond when he continues. “’Ve got a few poetry collections out.”

“Harry!” She says, lightly hitting the side of his arm. “That’s amazing!” His cheeks redden even more but she can tell that he’s pleased by her reaction. “Would you… could you read some of your poems to me?”

He thinks on this request for a moment before coming up with an idea. “I will if you’ll sing to me again.”

“What? Now?” She’s sure it’s a joke, but he looks deadly serious.

“One sec, I’ll be right back.” Harry pushes himself up hurriedly, running back towards the street and leaving Sav confused and unsure of what to do or think. What’s he up to?

A few minutes later, he comes back in sight with a large case slung over his shoulder. He sits down and opens it to remove an old wooden acoustic guitar. There are a few handwritten notes and stickers along the body, including a haphazardly stuck-on rainbow and the words Black Lives Matter.

“Where did that come from?” Sav asks, taken aback. He only smirks at her, placing the guitar in his lap and making sure it’s in tune.

“Would it make you feel better if I sang with you?”

“You can sing?”

“I… yeah.”

Sav agrees only because she wants to hear what his voice sounds like. “You’ve got a deal.” She reaches out for his hand to shake on it, mostly as an excuse to touch him. He’s very warm to the touch, and his skin is soft as butter. Only his fingertips are rough against her skin, and their hands feel instantly comfortable and right together.

He clears his throat and regretfully draws his hand away from hers and instead towards the resting guitar. “Can we do a Fleetwood Mac song?” He asks, already knowing that she’s familiar as he’d heard her play three of their songs during her set at work. He thinks on it for a moment and she waits patiently. “Do you know the lyrics to Gold Dust Woman?”

“Course I do,” she says. “Who do you think I am?” He chuckles and holds his hands up in front of him as if to plead his innocence. She takes a sip from her water bottle and is suddenly nervous. It was one thing when she was doing her job and on a stage – it was only a small stage, but still. This is intimate and personal.

Harry begins to play, and Sav quickly looks around them to check that there’s no one too close by. There are two or three lingering passers-by who may be able to hear but none of them seem to care about Harry’s playing. One has headphones in and the other two are distracted on their phones. It’s nerve-wracking to unexpectedly sing in a public park, on a first date no less, but Sav also finds it kind of exhilarating.

She misses her initial cue because she’s so nervous, so Harry loops the intro chords until she’s ready. Closing her eyes, she focuses on the pleasantly hypnotising lyrics and music. Harry lets her get comfortable in the song and joins for the harmony in the chorus. And Sav isn’t ready.

His voice is like soft leather, or dark chocolate melting on your tongue. It’s like the feeling of someone’s hands playing with your hair, right at the moment when it sends tingles down your spine. It’s like dripping silver, or a feather on skin, or a fresh breath of wintry air after a long summer.

She stutters to a stop in shock but he continues, and she’s grateful because all she wants to do is listen to him endlessly. She can see his hesitation and his reddened ears, so she jumps back into the song as soon as she can gather herself together. She leaves him to tackle the second verse alone as she sung the first, and she’s entranced by how beautiful it is. She’s truly enamoured with his voice and this date and… him.

When they finish, they share a long look before Sav suddenly speaks. “Um, excuse me?”

“What?” He’s surprised by her slightly aggressive tone after what just happened.

“You were complimenting my voice when you can sing like that?”

“Well thanks, but I’m nowhere near as good as you-“

“You’re delusional then.” She puts on an exaggerated pout. “You’re next-level good. I bet you’re one of those people that’s just naturally great at everything.” She picks up her water bottle again and hides behind it by taking a long sip.

“That’s not true,” he shakes his head. “I’m not good at asking you out for another date.” Sav almost chokes on the water. “I’ve been meaning to for a little while and haven’t had the guts.”

She’s now fighting a huge smile, not wanting to give away just how much she wants to squeal in delight at the shameless flirting.

“Smooth,” she says, trying to play it as cool as she can. “But you haven’t held up your part of the bargain yet.” He scrunches up his eyebrows before remembering that he agreed to read some of his poetry in exchange for the song.

“I better get to it then,” he says with a smirk and rummages through his backpack. He pulls out a very worn brown leather notebook, held closed by two long strings that have been wrapped loosely around the book and tucked into itself. It’s covered in what Sav assumes is his own doodling and graffiti – it doesn’t look like the kind drawn by a young child Asha’s age. The words one and only are scribbled carelessly along most of the spine.

Harry takes a minute to decide which poem to share with Sav. He eventually decides on one and she curls her knees into her body, getting comfortable to give Harry her full attention as he reads. He takes a deep breath and slips right back into the gossamer tone of his singing voice to read his poetry.

“This one’s called Woman,” he mumbles, and then begins.

I’m selfish, I know. but I don’t ever want to see

you with him.

I’m selfish, I know. I told you but I know

you’ll never listen.

I hope you can see the shape that I’m in, while he’s touching

your skin.

he’s right where I should-        (where I should be)

but you’re making me bleed. woman

I’m tempted, you know. apologies

are never going to fix this.

I’m empty, I know.

promises are broken like the stitches

I hope you can see the shape I’ve been in. while he’s touching

your skin

this thing upon me, it howls

like a beast.

you flower you feast. woman

When he finishes, something new and palpable hangs between them. It’s not that anything has changed – but an unspoken bond settles into place between them. They’ve shared parts of each other that are unreachable through mere conversation and rarely exchanged on a first date. Either could comfortably say that it’s the best first date they’ve ever had, and possibly would ever have.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Sav whispers. It seems appropriate to only whisper after that. She looks into his light green eyes, trying to convey to him how his poem made her feel. How she can’t quite put it into words but she can put it into feelings. He stares back at her just as intensely, sensing her warmth and gratitude and understanding.

“So would you like to go on a second date with me, then?” Harry says, resting his palm on the picnic blanket close to her knee. He leans his body forward and she unconsciously mirrors him.

“I’d like that,” Sav breathes out. She’s staring at his lips, and wondering how they’re naturally almost the colour of raspberries. She’s slowly leaning towards him with quickening breath, unable to stop the magnetising pull of her body to his. He’s leaning into her too, and moves his hand even closer until he brushes her knee with the back of his thumb. Her whole body erupts in tingles at the unexpected touch – and she’s certain that her goosebumps are visible – but she doesn’t dare look away from him. Harry licks his lips under her gaze and they’re left parted and slightly glistening. She’s now close enough to see every line, pore, and stubble hair on his face, and she wishes she could study him from this distance for hours. Maybe she’ll get to one day, but for now, there’s only one thing on her mind.  

The moment their mouths meet, they seem to melt into each other entirely. She’s immediately overwhelmed with how he tastes sweet like watermelon along with something musky and deep that she can’t describe. He can’t believe how soft she feels against his lips, like he’s brushing up against pure silk. He moves his hand up to rest against her cheek, and caresses his pinky finger against the sensitive underside of her jawbone. She lets out a light moan at the feeling, widening her lips to allow Harry to deepen the kiss. She feels entirely lost in her senses and the feeling of him everywhere.

Their tongues touch and set both Sav and Harry’s skin alight. They both forget where they are and become utterly lost in one another. He’s dizzy with her scent of jasmine and taste of berries, and wishes he could bottle it up and take it with him everywhere. He’s never felt so worked up from just a kiss, no less a first kiss – not to mention they’re in public. It’s like he can feel every nerve ending screaming out for her.

She’s so desperate to feel him as close as can be that she finds herself cupping his cheeks as well, pressing her mouth into him passionately. It’s definitely too lewd for a public park, but neither of them care anymore. She can feel the hard muscles of his jaw flex under her palms and her back arches a bit at the thought of everywhere she wants him to kiss her. She starts emitting light moans that only he can hear, and she can feel the vibration of a growl wanting to form in the back of his throat.

Eventually, they break apart to come up for air, but still remain almost touching. They’re both breathless and eyeing the other with heavy lids that suggest their arousal. Harry takes in her state and is pleased that she’s just as worked up as him.

He smirks, showing off his dimples. “Can the second date be now?”

[thedigitalpen]

5 minute anime review:  “Karakuri Circus”

What it’s about? Tough one to summarise but on the face of it, this starts off as story about a boy who is trying to get away from people who are trying to either kidnap or kill him. As he makes his escape, he encounters a man handing out fliers to the circus and asks for his help. Unable to stand by and watch the kid try to deal with these shady characters who are trying to abduct him, the man gets involved and tries to help the kid out. The two of them seek out and eventually meet up with a puppet master that the boy was told to find should be ever encounter any trouble. This marks the start of a rather long and complicated story revolving around the task of trying to eliminate an organisation known as the Midnight Circus who are responsible for spreading a disease which threatens to kill all human life on earth.

What I liked? When I say that it's a rather long and complicated story, I'm not kidding however I must commend the way that all these various arcs/mini-arcs were handled and woven into the story. While there is a LOT of information to take in, it actually isn't difficult to remember all the connections and the backstories when you need to, using minimal brainpower to do so, making it entertaining to watch and allowing you to get invested with the characters. And the reason that it's able to do this is because it has 37 episodes in which to tell all the stories, meaning that there's no real need to rush through it. It has decent pace and while you do have to go through some backstory episodes, it isn't too much of a chore and does have relevance to the story. The characters are pretty well defined with 3 main characters and we get to follow their respective stories and development as they go on their various "adventures". There is a rather big host of supporting characters but each of them is likeable (or unlikeable if they're meant to be)  in their own ways and nothing is ever completely black and white as loyalties and sentiments change. There are also romantic undertones thrown in, but it's an unavoidable part of the story so if you're not one for romance, just take it with a pinch of salt. It is a action fantasy type show so you will be expected to suspend your disbelief, e.g. don't try to think too hard about how you would realistically control elaborate fighter puppets with only 10 fingers or you may hurt yourself, but it stays within the realm of entertaining. All in all, it's a entertaining story that has a beginning, middle and end and which deals us plenty of action and feels for a pretty satisfying watch.

What I liked a little less? While I clearly enjoyed the show as a whole, there are some things which I'm sure might be considered detractors here and there. For one, after the first arc, there is a distinct change in direction with the 3 main character being separated from each other along the way. This results in a split of not only the stories, but also the focus with one mc taking the lead for a fair bit since their story relates more directly to the crux of the show. I found myself missing the other 2 from time to time. Also, depending on how you feel about the story development, you might have mixed feelings about how some things play out near the end and how it ultimately ends (I know I did). On another note, the backstory, while necessary, could feel like filler if you're the type that would rather have it told in exposition than episodes. There were also some moments where the coincidences felt contrived, e.g. fighting against an unknown enemy that turns out to be someone you know/knew/have a vendetta against. And some of the characters may have felt a bit underutilised, even though they seemed to be important - whether to the story or an mc.

Could, should or wouldn’t watch? I would say that this is a strong "could watch". It's a unique and entertaining story with lots of twists and turns, ins and outs, which hearken to the past as well as the present, all set against the backdrop of the theatrics that is the circus and the art of puppetry. It was pretty captivating and at one point I was even likening it to Jojo's Bizarre Adventures, since they do go on rather interesting adventures, with the exception being that when they fight they use puppets instead of stands. So if you have a fair amount of time (because it is longer than the average anime with 3 cours to go through) then I would definitely recommend watching this one.

[nevertherose]

Initial thoughts

I have Thoughts about the new episode, but its probably going to be a day or so before I can parse them all properly. BTW TW I am going to mention my own intrusive thoughts, which include death, killing and hurting people and animals, so, be warned and stay safe.

So...

I've watched it once and listened to it via reaction videos twice, and I've literally gone from "hmm, interesting, but I don't have intrusive thoughts" to "oh god, yes I do, they just don't look like that" 😳 Like, I don't know exactly what my Remus would look like, but he wouldn't be a sassy trash panda with a potty mouth and the humor of a 12-year-old boy. I have a teenaged son; I am so used to "butthole, tee hee" humor that it barely even registers, let alone disturbs me in any way. (Imagine Logan's unimpressed face. That's me with Remus for the entire video. Like, child, sit down, you are not funny and the adults are talking.) I liked that he made sense for character!Thomas, though; in fact I connected to this video better from the get-go because it felt like a real issue instead of invented for the sake of a plot (*cough*hitchcoppolucas*cough*).

But I didn't personally identify with the problem at first because my version of it manifests differently.

Logan said one thing that actually disturbed me a bit: the part about how if your intrusive thoughts don't disturb you, that could be a problem.

My intrusive thoughts do not disturb me. Like, that's literally why I thought I didnt have them.

(Here's the possibly triggery stuff) I've been on the highway with my family and thought about yanking the wheel and flipping the car. I've pet animals and thought about how fragile their bones are. I'm both a writer and in martial arts, so I have PLENTY of thoughts about various ways to kill somebody. But I think they don't bother me because I don't have character!Thomas' problem.

He believes very strongly that thoughts are a precursor to action: if you think it, on some level you must want to do it. My beliefs are the exact opposite. Thoughts are just thoughts; it is your actions that define you. Thoughts are dry erase markers on a board: they're impermanent, they can be played with, changed, allowed to do whatever they're gonna do because once you're done, you can take that eraser and clear the slate. Furthermore, you can't stop or control them...the more you try, the louder they get. And if you can't control your thoughts, why waste the brainpower in trying? Let them come and they inevitably fade on their own.

My creativity also works differently from character!Thomas', in that it's naturally a lot like Logan. My imagination is very ordered and logical; the only difference being that where Logan would dismiss something as impossible/illogical, my creatively just says "okay, if that was a thing, how would it work?" And it proceeds to imagine ways to make it work. I'm more willing than most to entertain the unimaginable, because 1. It's just a thought, 2. I guaran-dang-tee someone else has already imagined it, 2. You can't defend against something you've refused to think about. "Seek knowledge. It is our greatest weapon and our greatest defense."

I don't get worked up about disturbing thoughts because I know they don't reflect on me as a person. For example, in the wrecking-the-car-on-purpose thought, I just let the scenario run as it will: how hard would I have to yank the wheel, what sort of damage the vehicle would take, all the ways in which we could get hurt, what if I was the only survivor, what if I got a permanent injury, how would I go about rescuing my family from the car, which hospital would they take us to, what mile marker am I at if I had to tell the ambulance where to go...

...and honestly, by the time it's gotten that far, my mind is bored and has already moved on to a new thought. Was that mess ever something I was going to do? Of course not. It's just my mind scribbling away on blank paper because highways are boring and that's what brains do.

The only exception I make to the "let the scene play" mechanism is what I have intrusive speculative thoughts about other people (usually of the "I wonder if they've had sex with ____" or "what does their face look like when they're getting it on" variety). Continuing to entertain thoughts like that feels disrespectful, so I generally just tell myself "that's none of my business" and concentrate on something else. Again, having the thought in the first place says nothing about me...however I feel that continuing to entertain the thought, in this case, would say something about me.

In other words....character!Thomas needs to listen to Logan because that boi knows what's up 💙