#it’s moments like these where my neurodivergency really starts to show up and it sucks

[eddiemunsn]

wish i was snuggling in bed with eddie after getting home from the hospital, all of his booboos patched up with bandaids, stitches, and smooches for good measure. he deserves a fat blunt and millions of kisses and to watch his favorite movies with his favorite people while eating his favorite foods. he should be alive and healing, safe from all the danger and so very loved. dead or not, he will always be my hero, my big-hearted lovely little scrungly nerdy metal head pretty boy

[takerfoxx]

The Owl House, Season 3, Episode 2, "For the Future," First Impressions!

I knew this was gonna be big.

I knew this was gonna be emotional.

I did not know it was going to hit me like it did, or for the reason that it did.

I wasn't expecting this episode to speak to me personally the way it did, I really wasn't. I was gearing up to see what the Collector had done to the Boiling Isles; to be reunited with Eda, King, Lilith, Hooty, and the rest; to finally see Luz's palisman, to see what Belos was going to do, and all that other stuff that we've been speculating for months about.

Instead, this episode hit me in a way that I haven't experienced very often. It spoke to my own experiences.

I'll cover the lesser (but still very important) moment first, and surprisingly it came from Willow.

Now, I haven't talked much about Willow. She's fine! She's an important part of the cast! But let's face it: for character discussion, she just kept getting overshadowed by the absolute angst factories that are literally every single other main character. Even Gus had more going on in that department!

But like everyone else, it seems that I've been taking her for granted. It really does suck to be the reliable one, to be the one expected to carry the team, to be the one to set your own problems aside for the sake of other people. I've been there, many times. And honestly, like Willow, I'm kind of nearing a break down of my own. You really do start to feel like you don't matter, that your own hurt is unimportant, but if you don't take it on the chin and keep truckin', everything will fall apart and it'll be all your fault.

So yeah, I'm glad that they gave her that moment. Maybe it got tied up a little too neatly and could have stood to have been foreshadowed a little more in previous episodes, but then again, maybe that was the point.

The other moment should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me and has read my other comments on this show, and it serves as a MASSIVE emotional payoff to my one big gripe about The Owl House, one that I've had since the very first episode.

So, we all remember that camp Luz was being sent to, right? Remember all the fuss people kicked up over it, saying that it was basically conversion therapy and that Camilla was abusive for sending her there. It was a real point of contention for a while.

And I'll admit, I was one of those people. I'm neurodivergent myself. I'm autistic and have ADHD, and my parents tried a number of bullshit methods to make me "normal." It was all with the best of intentions, and none of them were as bad as sending me to conversion therapy, but it does mean it is something I'm pretty sensitive about. So when I saw that flyer, I just got the most uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, how could you do that to your child? And since that was literally the last thing we saw Camilla doing until Yesterday's Lie (aside from a couple quick Vee segments), that feeling stayed for a long time.

Obviously everything we learned changed my perception. Like I've said before, I think the writers realized their whoopsie and made sure to address that, and they did so in the best way possible: weave it into the storyline and use it for character development. Vee's friends showed that maybe the camp wasn't as bad as we feared, Luz really did have behavioral problems that needed addressing, and Camilla was a harried single mother still grieving her husband just trying to do what was best.

But we also learned more about Luz. She wasn't acting out just because she's a wacky kid with ADHD. Maybe that contributed, but she was acting out because she was also grieving. Her father was her bedrock, the guy that truly understood her and kept her grounded, and with him gone, she was desperate for some kind of validation. Her antics were a cry for help, which is why the Boiling Isles was so good for her.

Seeing those two finally sit down and talk about what happened really hit me where I live. They're both neurodivergent weirdoes that have tried to hide what they are to fit in and were deeply hurt by losing the one person that understood them, and in the process unintentionally hurt each other. I loved this. It reminded me of Entrapta's "Imperfections can be Beautiful" speech from She-Ra.

And as it so happens, that bit of honesty is what was needed to finally awaken Luz's palisman. Everyone? Meet Stringbean!

I love the cheeky little references to everyone's speculations of what Luz's palisman might be. And as it turns out, everyone was kind of right! In keeping with the theme of Luz's palisman choosing what it wants to be, it's a snakeshifter! Oh, that is clever.

But also, snake people were also right. Personally I was thinking spider, but even so. We have our new baby!

Oh God, Luz has a staff. Everyone, fear her.

Speaking of palismans, Hunter is still grieving the loss of Flapjack and NOT doing okay, but I'm glad he got that catharsis of realizing that Flapjack is still literally a part of him. It's small solace, but it is something. And as a lot of people predicted, he now has the magic that he formerly could only use through technology. The poor boy, though. I'm glad he and Willow are starting to inch toward one another. They do seem right for each other.

Okay, time to talk about plot stuff!

The Hexside stuff was a ball. I did sort of call Boscha's minions being Kikimora, though it didn't click that her big robot was involved until a few moments before the reveal. And give it up for the best tribute to the best principal!

I miss you, Principal Bump.

Also, credit for Mattholomule for stepping up! Gotta say, he's looking a lot like his big brother now, so much so that for a second I really thought that he was Steve!

I do hope Boscha gets some comeuppance. Not a whole lot, just some humble pie. Willow really owes her a smack. Still, I did crack a smile when Boscha desperately begged for Amity back. Amity was Queen Bee, and Boscha was her sycophantic minion, and can't do it without her, lol!

Now, the Collector!

I do feel sorry for this kid, despite the damage he's doing. I mean, the Collector is just a kid, one that was alone for a really, really long time, was betrayed several times, and doesn't fully understand what he's were doing. Doesn't excuse the pain he's caused (okay, the Terra thing was pretty funny, and we all love to see Odalia get humilated), but it is understandable, at least.

We also get some lore! Collectors literally collect living beings, which explains what that long one was doing to the owl beast, and why the Titan Trappers called our Collector the Great Hunter. But they are also predisposed to wipe out mortals that interfere with their affairs, which our Collector doesn't care for.

Huh, I wonder who sealed the Collector. Was it their natural enemies the Titans, or his own kind for not going along with their genocidal tendencies?

Speaking of villains, damn it Belos, why you gotta be so creepy? Does that mean all of his bodies are former Golden Guards and he possesses each one once they've been used up? No, wait, he still has the broken nose Lilith gave him. Regardless, possessing Raine will not end well for him. But you can't say he doesn't know how to manipulate the Collector, the poor kid.

Man, I know he was probably hallucinating those ghosts, but it would be really cool if they were real and drag him down to Hell or whatever.

Glad Eda and Lilith are doing okay, and that Hooty managed to at least regain some sanity. Seriously, the hell is he even? Also, I actually like that Lilith is going back to her old hair color.

What else, what else, what else?

Okay, where is Steve and the rest of the CATTs? I want my boy! And Katya! I will continue to uphold my fanfiction queen until the day I die!

Also, damn it, Edric! Stop hurting yourself!

[being-of-rain]

Legal notes from my court-appointed Classic Who watchthrough. This time season 23, The Trial of a Time Lord.

The Trial of a Time Lord reminds me of Flux in New Who in a lot of ways. Both are shorter seasons that have a unique and more prominent story structure. And idk if it’s the neurodivergent in me or the writer in me (or both), but I really love an interesting and strong story structure that shows itself off, so I really love Trial and Flux in theory. I like some of them in practice too! But oh boy do both stories have their weaknesses, especially in their endings, that could’ve been fixed with some planning and editing and good writing. Though to be fair, both had reasons that accounted for some of their messiness- Trial’s final story saw the death of its author partway through and his first replacement quitting, and Flux was made during the COVID pandemic. So yeah, I have a soft spot for Trial of a Time Lord. Putting the Doctor on trial so they watch videos of his adventures to debate is perhaps a little on the nose on the meta level... but I’m fine with on the nose themes, and it’s a great premise just on its own, so whatever. I’ve heard people say they get sick of the trial scenes and I can’t say I’ve ever agreed. It’s a fun gimmick and there’s not that much of it compared to the rest of the story, it’s just a shame that eventually they stop having anything particularly interesting to say in them. But honestly I’d always be happy to watch some Doctor Who that randomly pauses sometimes to have Six give commentary on how good he’s doing or how much the Time Lords suck.

The Mysterious Planet isn’t the most gripping story ever and goes a bit slow, but honestly it’s a solid start to the series. The introduction to the trial is a great build-up, and the shot of the space station at the start is obviously wonderful. Six and Peri’s relationship being a little softer is nice (though, like most of their soft moments last season, it kinda looks like that character development was down to Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant working hard to deliver the script in a way that makes the characters watchable. I’ll never understand why the writers thought the Tardis team fighting and bullying each other all the time would make for a fun show). Glitz and Dibber are very funny, so are a lot of the Doctor’s interactions with most characters. Setting up the mystery of the sleepers and why the Time Lords want to censor what they found is the sort of story arc Classic Who had never really tried before, and I love it. And its eventual answer of people stealing secrets from Gallifrey itself is a cool payoff. But it does raise the first of many, many questions/holes in the trial plot: why on Earth did the Valeyard choose this story to show as evidence? Out of the history of Doctor Who, he chooses the only one the High Council wanted him to keep secret? Also, I don’t like season 23′s theme music. Maybe it fits the court intrigue better than the action-packed early-80s theme, but damnit I just love that action theme. SO catchy.

Mindwarp is.. a mess! I mean it’s meant to be a mess, but apparently nobody working on it knew exactly what was supposed to be happening in it. And that’s not how you make a deliberate mess! Because it shows, and it means I don’t know what was supposed to be happening either! Specifically, the bits where the Doctor goes evil. Was he acting evil to earn the trust of the bad guys, was he actually evil because of something their machine accidentally did to him, or did the Valeyard edit the footage to make him look evil? Or a combination of those? According to Tardis wiki Colin Baker asked the script editor, the writer, and the producer for the answer, but they all said they didn’t know. How is that even possible. The way the Doctor at the trial says he’s starting to half-remember what had happened makes things even more confusing. So... yeah. The story reminds me a lot of Vengeance of Varos. Obviously it’s by the same author and features the same villain, Sil, who still just doesn’t do it for me. Again story feels like it’s being very meta (even more than the rest of the Trial season) and I’m sure you could make some clever observations about it and the way season 22 plays Six as very unlikable, but again it just doesn’t interest me a lot. It’s a bleak serial without a lot to enjoy watching. Brian Blessed is one of the most fun things in it, but I’d rather he was in another story. Peri’s departure is... well, I guess it’s the right story for an exit as brutal as that. I think I prefer making a happy ending out of it, but being left to marry a random warlord is still pretty rough. Still, if there’s one thing that I love in this story, it’s the Doctor’s reaction to her death. Colin Baker’s acting in that part (and at the start of the next story too) kills me every time, and the moment of silence before his delivery of “you... killed Peri?” is heartwrenching in a way that I love.

First of all, I love any story that follows the structure of A Christmas Carol with past, present, and future, so kudos to the three stories used in the trial as evidence for that. And it’s a very fun way to introduce a new companion. But if the trial was starting to confuse itself a little in Mindwarp, it completely loses its focus in Terror of the Vervoids. Calling the Doctor’s argument in his defence ‘flimsy’ feels like it’s giving him too much credit. He chooses it so he can point at one adventure and say “in this case I was explicitly asked to interfere,” something that has already been made clear isn’t always the case, and something that I’m not sure would even matter in Time Lord law! And why this adventure specifically? Obviously he didn’t see it coming that it would get him saddled with a charge of genocide too. In the next story it looks like the Doctor would’ve genuinely been executed if the Master didn’t intervene, and honestly... it makes the Doctor look like an idiot more than any other time in the show. It’s bad writing lol. Another thing that seemed silly- its made clearer in this one where the Valeyard had tampered with the evidence, but his two edits are wildly different. One of them is writing the Doctor out of a certain scene so it looks like he let Mel investigate something alone- not particularly damning and not very unbelievable either, with the Doctor thoroughly edited out of a certain sequence of events. The second edit is a quick scene where the Doctor sighs in satisfaction while holding an axe and looking at the wreckage of the radio room, which is so absurdly out of nowhere and nonsensical that it makes me laugh every time. The way the Inquisitor is willing to believe it makes her look very gullible, especially when she was quite ready to consider the idea that the Matrix had been tampered with when it was the Valeyard suggesting it, but pooh-poohing the idea as impossible when the Doctor suggests it. Anyway, I can enjoy watching Terror of the Vervoids, and not just because of poking fun at it. Mel’s strong personality matching the Doctor’s makes a nice change after Peri (sorry Peri), and a love a murder mystery so setting up the characters then watching them sneak around and suspect each other is also fun. ...Though that said, I think the mystery gets a little too complicated. There’s a few different parties up to no good who are all facing double-crossing in their own ranks, making things very hard to keep track of, so the trial scenes on top of that is quite a lot of plot that isn’t executed very clearly. Maybe I was just happy for an all-round brighter story after Mindwarp. I think the most interesting character was Travers, the guy who’d met the Doctor before and had both a healthy respect for his ability to root out the truth, and a healthy wariness of the chaos that he causes. Oh, and the scene where the Doctor pauses and rewinds the Matrix to explain how he made a deduction was kinda fun, like a peak into the thought process of the Doctor that might turn up in Moffat’s Doctor Who, if a little rough and smarmy. It’s a peak at the kind of entertaining things that could be done with the trial format. It’s this kind of thing that makes me wish they reused the trial format for another season in modern Who, with better writers who’d actually work together to make a coherent story.

The Ultimate Foe is a lot! Just so much. From the moment the Master turns up, the trial premise that’s been building (and then decaying) for twelve episodes collapses into an absolute shambles. I don’t know why so much of these episodes are set in the Valeyard’s Victorian England-themed Matrix hideaway, or why the Valeyard spends it pretending to be a completely random character he made up. Maybe the funniest moment in the story is when, in the middle of everything, the Keeper of the Matrix runs into the court and announces, with no build up, that the High Council has been deposed by insurrectionists. Are these insurrectionists allies of the Valeyard, the Master, or just random people who have somehow been following the trial and realising just how shit the High Council is? I don’t know, because it isn’t mentioned again until the Inquisitor mentions that she guesses that they’re going to have to elect a new Council. One day I’m going to make a post going through the politics of Gallifrey in Classic Who, because oh boy is it a hell of a mess. Another moment that I always find very funny is the reveal that the Valeyard is the Doctor, which is written and delivered like it’s supposed to be a super casual line from the Master, but the most talented actor in the world couldn’t deliver that line and make it sound casual. Actually, that’s something I could say about a heck of a lot of lines in this story, especially for poor old Mel. Bonnie Langford you tried so hard with the script they gave you, and I respect you for it. Oh also, shout out to the Keeper of the Matrix for looking the Doctor in the face and telling him that no one could possibly get into the Matrix. As if The Deadly Assassin and basically every other Gallifrey story didn’t happen. As if the Master and Goth didn’t have a DIY bootleg Matrix link in their sewer lair. I feel like so much of some Gallifrey stories are Time Lords saying very dramatic things that are demonstrably false, but I guess that’s an empire for you.

I’ve really spent most of this post dunking on The Trial of a Time Lord, but I’ll say again that I always enjoy revisiting it. It’s partly because of the little great moments sprinkled throughout, partly because of nostalgia, and largely because of the fantastic premise that they had to work hard to make such a mess of. It becomes more and more of a disaster as it goes on, and by the time the Valeyard turns to the camera in the Keeper’s clothes and laughs I’ve completely given up caring about questions like “how does that make any sense at all,” but I enjoy the ride every time. They even managed to write Six in a way that isn’t aggressively unlikable and rude all the time! Good for them. As always, it’s a shame that Colin Baker was treated so poorly by the show in so many ways, but I’m grateful he got a chance to play the role with such better scripts in Big Finish (and specifically I’m grateful for Jac Rayner and The Marian Conspiracy for writing the blueprint for Six and Evelyn. I’ll never not stan that audio.)

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to touch on Day with the Sun in a manner that's EVEN REMOTELY TIMELY so I don't end up piling too much on when talking about your fics [both in terms of how much I'd have to write and how much you'd have to read]. SO! Sorry if this sucks and is inarticulate… exhausted from crunch AND my keyboard is busted… but I will power through because this haaas to be one of my favorite fics of yours and I Cannot Contain Myself. Also I feel bad for egging you on to post it but not actually saying anything yet so☠️

I've said bits and pieces of this before but I adore your fics because I can visualize them with incredible clarity. Like not even kidding, Top Ten Hallucinogens, you've got everyone's mannerisms and "voices" down perfect and you always have just enough detail to be able to See The Vision without the story having to grind to a halt. I really like the way attention is only brought to certain details with purpose, when they're relevant; that adds a lot to what I'm about to talk about.

I think your writing style really shines in works like this, where it's sort of like a Particularly Involved Substory, or a lighthearted "cooldown chapter"--just like, those parts that are all in-engine and mostly unvoiced but have SO much heart and characterization. I can See the camera moves and transitions, and I can Hear the music and sound cues. But at the same time, you take full advantage of the medium in being able to get into Arakawa's head, see what he sees and does or doesn't take note of and the conclusions he comes to, and get into what their day-to-day might be like and the ways this trip is both reflective of and breaks from the usual for them.

It's just SO well-done! The fic as a whole is a delight from start to finish--there's so much to chew on in every moment, every interaction, and the fact you've managed to pack it all into such a short story while maintaining the perfect pacing throughout is nothing short of commendable. Giggling And Kicking My Feet The Whole Time For Real and I MAINTAIN I was right to be excited… I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to read it [three times now]!

Arakawa's soooo moe To Me and reading from his perspective always makes me ill because his worries and concerns and shortcomings are so human, but he's doing his best to make his family happy, and they ultimately do end up having a nice day because of his initiative… Jo is SO cute in this too, I rewatched Hero SP after completing the show recently and he really has that Tsugaru-like Neurodivergent Awkwardness. Last But Not Least I loved Masato, I was his age the majority of the last couple of times I remember going to the beach… he's just like me fr…

No But I always really enjoy this Era of Masato, because in the singular flashback we get, he seems just a little bit more tolerant of Arakawa. It's nice to see him before [I feel like] he stops addressing him as "Dad" to his face, only saying it to specify who he means when he's talking to other people--that's kind of how I am with my mom now.

At the same time, it's of course a little bittersweet. One nice day isn't going to change the course of their futures, and it's painful to see Arakawa have these high hopes for his son that don't come to fruition in the way he envisions, or to think about how Jo's the only one around to remember moments like these now…

At any rate, closing out with some notes that came to mind as I was reading:

LOVE the premise being based in Masato being more open with Jo--I was definitely hoping Arakawa'd have some thoughts on that and I was happy to see he did, and to see echoes of it in things like Masato choosing to lean more heavily on Jo and Arakawa musing on Masato's "preferential treatment" of Jo.

It's also really sweet to see how Jo's earned it; he really spares no effort when it comes to Masato and it shows in big and small ways, like how he seems more synced with Masato when he wants to be put down while Arakawa's lost in thought. At the same time, even though he's grossly overprepared and clearly didn't pack for just himself though he initially wanted to set up away from the Arakawas, he only really has the courage to do any of what he did because of Arakawa strongarming him into actually involving himself and letting himself have a good time. The synergy with those three is unreal

Love literally every single time Arakawa tries to understand Jo… that longing for a greater depth of knowledge when he already knows him well enough to read his thoughts from what he wrote in the pamphlet… the way he notes and responds to Jo's anxiety and propriety, the way he goes and investigates the book, the Painfully Awkward But Real conversation they try to have about art and theater and how he /wants/ to share but they're not quite communicating, the way he doesn't know to connect things like Jo's knowledge of construction and his inexperience with normalcy to his past but has this gut feeling… the way he's right about how he'll never fully know him…

I wanted to note this separately because of The Subject Matter ☠️but although this quote comes from a CSA checklist, it is applicable to others with abusive backgrounds [I mean… I do HC Jo as a CSA survivor and it is close to my heart given he ticks a lot of said boxes either way, but that's a topic for a much different ask… If Ever, it never felt like an appropriate topic to write in about], and it seems relevant to what's going on with Jo in this fic: "31. Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ('ice=thin')." Obviously He Has Other Reasons but I feel like that's what Arakawa's picking up on at certain points. That's why I was really happy Arakawa got to spot and capture those Rare Jo Moments where he's happy and at peace… it's something that works whether you read the fic as platonic or romantic, but it's interesting to view through both lenses

VERY MUCH NOTICED THE BOOK HAS A BROWN COVER BTW I'm Literally Delusional but I was obviously reminded of the book that keeps popping up in your comics, the tattoo one and the AraSawa Domestic Moments Cringe [For Masato] Compilation… perhaps not the same one but I wouldn't be surprised if it took years to finish either given he hardly got to read it before being pulled away… he's INSANE for describing that as Light Reading [I can't even read my own art history books, I just look at the pictures] but I respect it… I also respect you both actually using bookmarks instead of just Praying I Turn To The Page I Left Off On like I do…

Dadliest FUCKING moments from Arakawa in this one I swear to goddddd I talked about his attempts to understand Jo but his attempts to understand Masato when Masato refuses to get what's on his mind across at every turn are so real… also spooking Masato like that… showing up with only his wallet and practically nothing else but being fully prepared to spoil Masato… wanting to put Masato's sunscreen on for him… not "acting his age"… the SKIPPINGGGGG… the expectation of a soon-to-be-empty nesty making him squish Masato for reasons Masato cannot discern [not to mention The Symbolism of the sunset imagery as the backdrop for this in particular although it should be a beautiful moment]… his FUCKING FIT [JO'S FIT TOO BUT HIS FITTT] GOD I'M LITERALLY JUST LISTING THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIC AT THIS POINT BUT HE MADE ME SO ILL

I could hardly say any of the above without thinking of Jo though… I mean… Second Parent is so true… A Dad Of Another Variety... Deeply appreciate him getting to be part of the family… speaking of parents I ALSO deeply appreciate the Akane mention…

I'm just. Obsessed with the entire finale and everything leading up to it [AS IF I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH EVERY OTHER THING] but I should let you go at some point so I'm stopping here <3

OH AND I would absoluuutely love to read [Or View] anything else you might have in mind with regard to Ikumi! Loved your art :] We don't have anything concrete to go off of At All as of now, so I don't think anyone could blame you if you wanted to explore one idea one day and a different one the next. I don't think about her often because I'm not creative enough to know where to take things [and I certainly wouldn't know how to make it Not Miserable], so I'd be very curious to see :]

Would also love to hear your thoughts on We Make Antiques 2 and The Deer King :] if you have the time/If They're Still Knocking Around ☠️

[EVERY THOUGHT I GOT DOWN BELOW]

i think its Physically Impossible for you to write anything Lame nor Inarticulate dont WORRYYY best wishes to you and your keyboard regardless tho 🙏 more over i'd be THRILLED to read a novel's worth of your commentary on any of my works- but i also know typing a lot is. Tiring LMAO SO i'm utterly grateful for anythin you send in (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ) i also never mind how long it might take for you to send something in: i know you always put a lot of time and effort into your asks, and all of that time is well worth the wait since they always end up being my favorite things to read (❁´◡`❁)

moving on tho, ABSOLUTELY makes me happy to hear my descriptions are good ! i always worry about doing too much or too little, so im glad it's Just Write in terms of highlighting what's important while not lingering too long on unimportant things or going too fast ♪(´▽｀) reading the fic three times… thems Deer King numbers WHAT AN HONOR TYSM FOR ENJOYING AND READING (^人^)

im glad this story can feel 'substory' esque. when it comes to my comics, i generally try to give them that 'side content' kind of feel: just something nice to cut away to away from the 'main action' of the canon story, so im glad that can be reflective in a fic like this (and probably makes sense as to why this is my 'strongest' fic) (╯▽╰ ) ive mentioned it during a stream before (and probably in my tags too), but i do try to 'direct' my art and treat things like a movie set. i try to keep that same kind of mentality when writing, so i'm happy to hear it was effective :]

being able to write from arakawa's perspective is a fun experience to say the least. i really Do Not Hide It when i say that i borrow a lot from my life and the people in my life whenever i draw or write something, and i've made it noooo secret my dad is a big inspo for the things i make, ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. with all of that said, an aspect of arakawa i wanted to try to explore lately was his struggle of maintaining a happy family despite his circumstances. it wasn't a MAJOR focal point of this fic I Dont Think, but definitely was something i had in the back of my mind and is generally something i keep in the back of my mind when trying to portray arakawa

all of that said, i'll try not to be SUPER personal (as i do that anyway LMAO) but i'll confess that writing arakawa is 'special' to me. i can't exactly put a word to it, so 'special' will have to do. when i was growing up, in some sense, i was upset with my dad for things he ultimately had no control over. despite the time that's passed though, he's always tried his best for my siblings and i (and even my mom before this year when An Incident occurred and finally woke up him up to how terrible she is LMAO). he told me once that he wanted nothing more than a happy family, and that he never wanted his kids to feel alone or abandoned. that's a sentiment i can very easily imagine arakawa having not just towards masato, but towards the rest of the arakawa family as well due to his own upbringing; that sort of care extends to jo too Evidently. whether it's romantic or platonic, i do want to communicate that arakawa does try to get close to jo not just cause It's Expected for him to care about someone in the clan, but because he can identify the signs of an uncomfortable upbringing in jo, and doesn't want anyone else to have to shoulder that loneliness by themselves like he did. yk: have a more personal reason to as opposed to it being a part of his job. and lbr: jo can't brood ALL the time, there's GOTTA be a single second he actually does seem happy for once (and those very rare momence, me thinks, are very much all the waiting for arakawa)

with all of THAT said, being able to explore these thoughts and scenarios with arakawa is a way for me to better understand and appreciate my dad and what he had to go through i guess- sort of like an apology for how much i tended to doubt him even though i knew he wanted nothing more than to be there for us, so i'm def happy exploring that for myself has been able to become a good read (❁´◡`❁)

onto jo tho…. i love portraying jo in these domestic settings somuch (evidently). bro really is just so out of his element, ESPECIALLY when he's trying to appear Tolerable (in his eyes: arakawa will ALWAYS love him) it's just such a hilarious contrast to how we know him (a cunt) ☠️ as i was writing this fic i just kept thinking to myself that- in an ironic sense- jo would absolutely be a beach/airport dad given the circumstances (just pack unnecessarily, be overly vigilant to make sure things go accordingly, etc etc) and it's what really made writing everything so fun when i got to sit and imagine it and share it （￣︶￣）

that fun bit aside, i do also enjoy writing jo in these types of scenarios in a similar vein to why i like writing arakawa: it's a bit personal. i'd rather equate my upbringing to negligence opposed to outright abuse like jo experienced, but i can't imagine how my thoughts manifest to be too different from jo's in certain scenarios. especially when it comes to his hesitance towards happiness or believing he isn't deserving of that happiness (or anything good really), it's a very personal feeling i get a lot, and in particular his need to not want to intrude or take up space (doubly considering it may seem as tho he's trying to 'steal' masato even though he gave him away in the first place). it's pretty easy to write with that respect (and is probably why i tend to drift to portraying his pov's LMAO), and trying to capture that feeling of anxiety or worry or apprehension but still keep it in tune with jo's 'stonewall-esque' character is definitely cathartic in a sense. it's also interesting to do when i have him next to other characters, and ESPECIALLY when im writing from a perspective that isn't his own. it's important i don't make him appear too outwardly anxious or 'small,' but i also want to make sure it's clear he does feel those things in that moment: i want that fact to be sort of a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of deal.

all of THAT said though, i AM very interested to hear more about your thoughts on him as a CSA survivor (and me wonders if that is what you were referring to when adding to his backstory some asks ago)... VERY fair if you'd rather keep that discussion elsewhere though: it is a very sensitive topic

onto masato though, i enjoy portraying masato a lot pre-ichi times. i guess it's just a nice phase to touch on before Everything Spirals, so to speak: he still has some of that anger from his childhood, though he can't express it the same way anymore. he has to be a bit more mature about it- but he is still a teenager. plus, since he's still a teenager, he still predominantly relies on jo and arakawa, and Of Course i have the most fun when i get to portray any combo of that trio interacting with each other (and it shows lmao).

on that note though, i do enjoy thinking a lot about the supposed relationship jo and masato mustve had while he was growing up. as it shows, jo turned out to be 'masatos favorite' (however much that means all things considered). there surely must have been some seeds planted for that to have been the outcome later on, so it's fun thinking about how those things can manifest, and it's especially fun getting to pen arakawa's perspective on it

AND OF COURSE THE BOOK WAS INTENTIONAL LMAOOOO yk what they say One's An Incident Two's A Coincidence Three's On Purpose You Asshole ☠️☠️ the first two times were truly accidents but at this point it doesn't hurt to have a 'running joke' or something like that in my comics/fics. we'll get him a new book someday i promise ♪(´▽｀)

as for me though, i cant trust to open on the same page i left off on.. plus i really like collecting bookmarks, especially when they're of butterflies: it gives me a reason to look them up and learn something since the designs are always pretty enough for me to wonder what species they're based on (❁´◡`❁)

ALL IN ALL THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ENJOYING !!!!!!!! truly commentary like this gives me reasonsto keep writing its SUCH a huge motivator i cant stress it.. all the pain is worth it when i can see how much you enjoyed the fic.. i hope to always make you feel that excited to read something from myself ╰(°▽°)╯ !!

with THAT in mind tho… i certainly do feel the motivation to pen at least ONE ikumi story now.. when that's finished is TBD but for now i hope you enjoy this Kinda Old scribble of a Little Older ikumi i did (or at least one variant of an older ikumi) <- drew it so i could hallucinate better

im not good at fashion and i was really trying to figure out a look for her that still REMINDED people of ikumi but yk. was appropriate for a 30-something-year-old woman in the 90's.... but i have plenty of time to explore other looks so i wont worry (i do really like this hair cut tho.. maybe that'll be a constant)..

AND OF COURSE i'd be happy to write two quick lil reviews for those movies: i LOVED them after all (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

for WMA2, my favorite bits of these movies is always The Plan Coming Together- yk the last like. thirty or so minutes LMAO BUT FR ill never get over watching everyone work together to con people (plus the turtleneck really is A Look for nakai.. BIG fan- also them goofy ass magnetic glasses.. what even are those i love them). had me GOBSMACKED when it was revealed shino wasnt even a real mom but also Not Surprising in retrospect but ALSO Whose Kid Is This. Where Are Your Parents.

i do love how the movie started with the idea that sasuke Wasnt going to do any more con jobs and was going to be living honestly, yet In An Ironic Twist to ensure japan wouldnt have a Counterfeit Antique problem he ended up having to make so many fakes… a necessary evil me thinks… more importantly i really will never get over yo-chan fucking licking everything like ENOUGH. STOP. but dont it still makes me laugh fuckin weird ass old man (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)♡ it did make me happy to see sasuke's son get a job he really loves tho… that was cute.. AND WHEN HE TRIED THE POTTERY WHEEL That Was Cute :) anyways.. all in all lovely movie Of Course I'd Love It… one day i hope we can find the third movie….

AS FOR DEER KINNGGG ABSOLUTELY LOVELY MOVIE you were right the animation was GORGEOUS and PERFECTLY weighted. i ESPECIALLY loved the scene with the stilt walkers not just atmosphere wise, but the actual weight and heft of the stilts was just so… Immaculate. AND LEST I NEGLECT TO MENTION YUNA'S THE CUTEST LITTLE GIRL EVER i love her so so so much she's so adorable her cheeks are plump like a peach's her pigtails are adorable and i love her tooth gap (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ) van and yuna getting to hang with the villagers was MAD sweet tho… had me deceased at the end when the cure of Mad Wolf Disease was just deer milk tho. NOT A HATER was just a hilariosuly simple solution considering The Horrors caused by the mittsual (i knew i wasnt a sicko for drinking milk...)

As If I Need To Say It Anymore very lovely movies….. thank you much both for going through the effort to find WMA2 and for reccin The Deer King…

[khaleesiofalicante]

bestie do you really think it's funny to make me cry?

OK WHERE DO I START AUJHUJHDSDUJHFV

deep bre-INCOHERENT SCREAMING

That's it. that's all I have to say.

THEY PASSED THE CHILD PROTECTION BILL I'M GONNA BE CRYING IN A CORNER IF ANYONE NEEDS ME

All those shadowhunters who ran back to Idris I hope you starve to death there. have fun!

Anjali is so awesome OH MY GOD I LOVE HER ALREADY

Rafael is THAT kid I see...it suits him so well.

It had been two very long years stuck in this small office room. But every time Alec saw the way David giggled when Lexi called her father Jalapeno poppers or some other equally ridiculous name, Alec knew it was worth all the trouble.

THIS OMG I'M NOT OK

Alec wondered if that’s why so many leaders before him had been awful. It was easy to be a bad leader. But it took effort to be a good one.

This is so true...I'm so proud of him...

Dani...bestie THAT IMMORTALITY CRISIS WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME. I know it's gonna happen but I was having a very good day. why do you hurt me in such ways... (I'm pretty sure my family thinks I'm mentally unstable after the way I screamed reading)

“Anjali,” Diego sighed. “What have I told you about doors?”

“Knock them down?”

“I said knock on them!” Diego corrected, shaking his head. “Not knock them down!”

I'm in love.

HUHYUHKSDYKFVYUFVYU ALEC'S CONSUL VOICE I'M SCREAMING

SIMON BESTEST!! HIM SORTING THE STUDENTS INTO THESE GROUPS I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! AND ANJALI BESTIE GOOD LUCK AT BEATING THE SEELIES!! (good luck with stealing the weapons)

well, Rafael do you perhaps have a little crush? (Grammarly ik I'm writing in lowercase stfu)

ok ok I know this is pretty sad but every time someone gives Magnus or Alec the "you haven't talked to him yet?" look I start laughing-

ALEC'S SO CLUELESS ABOUT MAX AND DAVID I CANT-

“So, you are just going to leave me here and go to York then?” Max demanded now; all puppy dog eyes. “Like my mom left me at the academy?”

Yeah. He took the news a little too well.

MAX PLAYING THE ADOPTED CARD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

“Is it because you don’t like me?” Max pouted again. “Like my mom…Who left me all alone.”

“You can’t play the adopted card with me, you lil shit,” Rafael laughed. “I’m adopted too.”

I'M SO IN LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE

AWW MAX SEEING THE INSTITUTE AND IMMEDIATELY GOING "David would love this" ISTG THIS KID I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

“Weren’t you listening to a podcast on Mayan Civilization during breakfast?” Alec raised an eyebrow.

“Bapak said it’s historically accurate!” Rafe argued.

“Bapak is not that old!” Alec countered.

“Maybe he is,” Max said, analyzing the paintings on the walls. “Maybe you don’t know it.”

“Excuse me, I know how old my husband is,” Alec said indignantly.

“Then where are the receipts dad?” Max asked. “Show us the receipts!”

Where are the receipts, Alec? EXACTLY!

THANK GOD SOMEONE ELSE HAS CAUGHT ON TO MAX'S VERY OBVIOUS CRUSH

“I think he likes David,” Rafe whispered.

“Of course he does,” Alec whispered back. Why were they whispering? “David is a sweet boy.”

“No. I think he ‘likes him�� likes him,” Rafael giggled.

Alec looked at his son sharply. “But-He is..Da..They are children!”

“You’ve never heard a childhood crush?” Rafe grinned.

“No, I was too busy…studying,” Alec sniffed.

“That’s not what I heard,” Rafael bit his lip. “I heard you had a thing for boys in motorcycle jackets.”

“Okay that’s it! You are not allowed to hang out at Hotel Dumort anymore,” Alec said.

Really Alec? Studying? REALLY???

MAX AND RAFE RACING TO THE TRAINING ROOM!!!

the reference to the infernal devices...I'M GONNA KILL THE ALREADY DEAD STARKWEATHERS! I'M ABOUT TO DO SOME NECROMANCY SHIT TO BRING THOSE FUCKERS BACK JUST TO KILL THEM SLOWLY

Hugs max it's gonna be ok buddy.

In that moment, Alec remembered all the talks.

He remembered how his mother had lectured Izzy about not going out alone late at night, but she hadn’t said anything to Jace or Alec.

He remembered the way Jem spoken quietly to Mina in soft Mandarin about how people might call her names, but he hadn’t said anything to Kit.

He remembered the way Julian had told Ty to be careful about kissing his boyfriend in public, but he hadn’t said anything to Dru.

I hate this so damn much. I hate it. It sucks how there will always be people who will be targeted for being born the way they are. Whether it be skin color, sexuality, body type, or anything, people will always fucking talk and make the world unsafe for certain people just because they aren't generic male cishets. If you're a girl you're in danger. If you're a POC you're in danger, If you're neurodivergent you're in danger. If you're a member of the LGBTQ community you're in danger. If you're disabled you're in danger. If you're part of any minority you're in danger. If you dare to be different you're in danger. Fuck people. I'm a queer POC female and it's scary. I don't want to be always checking my surroundings when I'm out. I shouldn't have to feel this scared walking out of my own house but I do and it sucks. Ok, I feel like I'm derailing from the main point here.

Sorry for that just got really heated for a second there.

NO NOT THE NIGHTMARE. BABY NO

DAVID MY CHILD!! OMG, HE'S GONNA TAKE UP ARCHERY SOMEONE HOLD ME WHILE I CRY!

“This is who you are,” David said, his voice oddly soft now. Softer than usual. “And you’re beautiful.”

Alec blinked at that.

“Blue,” David said quickly. “I meant you’re blue. Uh, yes.”

BESTIE I SAW WHAT YOU SAID THERE. WE ALL DID

Also, alec sitting outside max's room...IM GONNA-

“David is in there,” Alec whispered. “I just wanted to…check…if everything was okay.”

“Alexander, are you spying on our child?” Magnus demanded. “Without me???”

“What? No! I-”

“Move over!” Magnus sank down next to him. “What are they saying? Are they kissing?”

“WHAT? They are not kissing!” Alec said in alarm. “Wait. Are they???”

He couldn’t hear anything now. Alec panicked.

“I haven’t talk to the kids about kissing yet,” Magnus pointed out. “We can’t talk to Max without talking to Rafael first.”

“Wait. Is Rafael kissing people???”

“Rafael is not kissing people,” Rafael replied as he walked past them to the kitchen. “Also, you guys are shit at whispering.”

Alec rolled his eyes at him and turned to Magnus. “It’s stressful enough that we need to talk about racism in the shadow world. Now we need to talk about kissing??”

“And other stuff,” Magnus chuckled.

Alec groaned into Magnus’ shoulder. “By the angel. Fine. We’ll just tell them there is no kissing. Until they are 30.”

“Hypocrite,” Rafael coughed into his hand as he walked back to the table with a bag of chips.

THIS WHOLE SCENE OH MY GOD.

And srsly alec? 30? really? whips out the extract "kissed" from cassie's website According to my files here-

“And David?”

“Yes, sir?”

“The bedroom door stays open from now on.”

David blinked, his cheeks pink. “I…What?”

“Door stays open,” Alec said, lowering his voice, just a register. “Is that understood?”

AYY ALEC DAD MODE YUCDUHDFHFUHJIUHC THIS IS SO AMAZING IM GONNA SCREAM

Alec advising David with the bow is so close to my heart...IDK WHY IT JUST IS

That conversation...PEOPLE FUCKING SUCK I HOPE HUMANS GO EXTINCT BECAUSE I SURE AM READY TO DIE SO LET'S TAKE THE EARTH DOWN-

“Why don’t shadowhunters have acne?”

"What?" Alec blinked.

“Their skin is like so freaking perfect and smooth and they can just freaking go through puberty without a one freaking pimple and don’t even get me started on the freaking dimples and then-”

Magnus started laughing. Alec felt a little confused.

EXACTLY MY THOUGHTS !!!!! THAT DAMN ANGEL BLOOD

That part about how we normalize these little things which are actually hurtful...I didn't realize that. I guess we really do, huh? This just made me want to be more careful with others and if I feel others do this with me, to stop them and correct them.

I loved this chapter so much. You're such a great writer.

I wanted to share something of my own now!! I FINALLY GOT MY COPY FOR RWARB!!!! I told my parents it was a thriller about how the first son and the prince forge a friendship and discover secrets about the government and the monarchy-

The place I bought it from sent me a very cute bookmark. It's a pride bookmark and it's just my first ever pride merch and I'm close to tears. Let's just say my family isn't the most accepting so this bookmark's really precious to me

Sorry, the quality isn't the best. I was in a hurry. It's almost 4 am now I'm gonna try and sleep (I'm gonna reorganize my bookshelf). See you on Tuesday!!

Thank you so much. I love reading your comments. They are so honest and full of life. You are going to LOVE rwrb. It's such a good book and it's so romantic and raw and perfect. Lmao about your parents. What they don't know can't hurt them ;) And I loooooooooove your bookmark. Be gay. Do crime.

PS -

"It sucks how there will always be people who will be targeted for being born the way they are. Whether it be skin color, sexuality, body type, or anything, people will always fucking talk and make the world unsafe for certain people just because they aren't generic male cishets. If you're a girl you're in danger. If you're a POC you're in danger, If you're neurodivergent you're in danger. If you're a member of the LGBTQ community you're in danger. If you're disabled you're in danger. If you're part of any minority you're in danger. If you dare to be different you're in danger. Fuck people. I'm a queer POC female and it's scary. I don't want to be always checking my surroundings when I'm out. I shouldn't have to feel this scared walking out of my own house but I do and it sucks. Ok, I feel like I'm derailing from the main point here."

THIS IS THE MAIN POINT. YOU GOT IT. SO CONGRATS <3

[neighbourskid]

Dave? Dave.

It's been quite a bit since I've written anything here, huh? Well, I guess as it has been for pretty much everyone, life has been kinda strange for a while now. Despite vaccine roll-outs and continually changing safety regulations, there's still a global pandemic on, and everyone is trying to navigate this reality the best they can. For once, we are all, generally speaking, in the same boat now (sure, there are huge differences between countries because capitalism fucking sucks and rich greedy humans are once again proof that things need to change asap, but overall, we all have to deal with this pandemic).

But I don't actually want to talk about the pandemic, it just exists as a frame of what I do wanna talk about.

As I have mentioned before, when the pandemic hit, I was in the last semester of my undergrad studies and writing my Bachelor thesis. Or that's what I was supposed to do, anyway. I did do a lot of reading for it, early in the first lockdown after university closed and we were all attending from home. I was lucky, I had no classes, I only had like three scheduled meetings to check in on progress of the thesis, but otherwise I was free of zoom calls and attempting to attend university digitally. So I read.

After a while, reading became taking a book with me into the sun, glancing at one or two pages, and then just napping for most of the day, and spending my evenings either playing video games or watching some tv show or movie. At some point, I felt like now was the perfect time to rewatch all fifteen seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I did that, instead of writing my thesis. I still occasionally read, but most of the days I just felt exhausted and unmotivated so I stayed in bed and binged my crime show.

As the deadline for the thesis started approaching, and the time I had left fell under a month, a switch in my brain seemed to be activated and, oh, hello, suddenly there was a certain drive there for that thesis again. Which lasted exactly until an email from university dinged into my inbox a few days later, informing me that I would get another month for my thesis, due to the pandemic. And away that motivation and drive went, immediately.

Not much later I had a session with the therapist I was seeing at the time, because of the hormone treatment I had started early that same year. I had talked to him about my concern that I might have ADHD before because I didn't feel like there was anything we needed to talk about related to my transition, so I brought it up again here. I told him how my thesis was going -- or rather, how it wasn't going at all -- and finally, as I told him about some of the issues I experienced while trying to do work for it, he acknowledged that I may indeed have some attention regulation issues. He prescribed me medication to try out, and -- wonder oh wonder -- suddenly I was writing my thesis. I ended up finishing it on time (even though a week before I had a moment of "all of this is garbage, I will never pass, I should start the whole thing from scratch") and got a decent grade for it, too. I've been on those meds since.

Over the last, I don't know how many years, I've always known that there was something a bit wonky about my brain. There were always these things that seemed to come so easy to other people, and try as I might, I just couldn't make them happen. I, presumably, had a lot of neurotypical friends. I also have friends with depression, BPD, anxiety disorders and other neurodivergencies. I have family members with autism. I know my mom suspected I might be on that spectrum as well.

Reading up on many of those things I never felt like any of them described what I was experiencing. There were certain traits, sure, but mostly there was a lack of what I actually did experience in most of them. Even ADHD, when reading about the "required" issues and traits, doing those self-diagnosing questionnaires, I just never saw what I felt represented. And then I started reading about what people with diagnosed ADHD had to say about how they experience things. I ignored the more medical or clinical information, and just looked for people talking about how they navigate their lives with ADHD. And then all of a sudden it was, oh, yeah this, this is relatable. This is where my brain's at.

Suddenly it made sense that caffeine didn't do nothing for me, that a nice, warm cup of coffee put me right to sleep. It made sense how, after only a month, suddenly a well beloved hobby or tv show was suddenly of no interest whatsoever. Staring at the wall for three hours instead of doing a simple task. Drawing in class so that I could pay attention to what is being said. The inability to remember much of my life before 6th grade. Having to bounce my leg so I could read a simple text. Needing to visually break a book down into chapters with colourful post-its to keep me from being overwhelmed by the length of the book. And so many other things. Suddenly, there was a reason for that.

I've always liked doing personality quizzes. Or doing stuff related to my zodiac sign even if I don't believe in astrology per se. Finding out what my Enneagram number is. Or my Myers-Briggs type. Not because I think those things define me or describe me to a T, but because they give me a vocabulary. They give me options. I love answering a bunch of questions and then getting a wall of text telling me This Is Who You Are and then I get to pick out what is accurate and what isn't. It gives me words to describe who I am that I didn't have before.

And it is the same thing with posts or videos of people with ADHD. It gives me a vocabulary for the things I experience and it lets me express those things in a way I wasn't able to before. Before, I was like, doing things that my brain doesn't want to do, feels like running headfirst into a wall because there is no way above, around, or underneath it. There is no door, no ladder, no tunnel, no nothing. There is only running headfirst into it until maybe, hopefully, it cracks. Preferably before my head does. But that is exhausting and most of the time, I prefer to not get through the wall at all, if what it takes is going headfirst through it. Now, I know that what that is, is a dopamine deficiency. The task that needs doing, the task that this wall is, doesn't give my brain enough dopamine. There is no satisfaction, there is nothing to gain from that task, so the brain isn't interested.

One of the things that I recently discovered and helps me a lot in this quest of figuring out how my brain works, is this guy Connor on tiktok, who also has ADHD. His videos are both hilarious and informative. And also incredibly relatable. They might be silly haha funny videos on the dear old internet, but I walk away from most of them going, oh! oh that makes sense, good to know.

He occasionally talks about how ADHD is completely misnamed and how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not actually accurately describe what exactly people with ADHD lack. In one of his videos, he calls it DAVE instead. It's silly, and sounds a bit dumb, but I kinda like it. Dave. Dopamine Attention Variability Executive-Disfunction. Dave. I like Dave.

Y'know, I don't mind having ADHD. Presumably, I've lived with it my whole life so far. And it's annoying as shit some of the time. Especially when things need to get done and they just won't. But I don't mind that, especially now that I know that this is what it is. I've always feared that if I finally do go to a therapist and try to figure out what my brain is up to, they'll just tell me that I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. And at first, my therapist did say I was psychologically unremarkable. But I guess if you've lived like this your whole life and nobody has really picked up on it, even a therapist doesn't notice (it's called masking, I've learned, thanks Connor).

But knowing is good. Knowing means I can learn things that help. I can take medication when needed. And, looking at the grades I'm currently getting in my graduate studies? Hells yeah, taking that medication and knowing how to deal with certain aspects of my brain helps a lot. It is incredibly funny to me that the best grades I have gotten in my entire academic career have been achieved in my Master's studies during a global pandemic. There is currently an actual real possibility that I may graduate summa cum laude. In my MA. That is insane!

Anyway, I am avoiding tasks by writing this right now. Oh, the irony. I'm gonna try and do those tasks now. Y'all take care. Cheers!

[anurarana]

This is going to be a mess, and long, and I'm on mobile, so please bare with me. Also this is a season 5, anti-cat/ra/dora and entapdak centric post because that's kinda what is swirling around in my head at the moment.

So for a bit of backstory, I got into She-ra in 2017 when the name got announced and cute cat and warrior woman lesbians screen shots got leaked. I can safely say I got into spop shipping cat/ra/dora without knowing anything about the characters other than their designs and when season 1 dropped and their dynamic seemed to be having that friends to enemies to lovers thing going on I was all for seeing how it would go.

But then season 2 happens, then 3, then 4, and their relationship keeps getting worse, cat/ra keeps getting worse. At this point I really don't care about their relationship anymore and frankly find it plain unhealthy.

Plus, I'm sitting in my corner in entrapdak heaven, very comfortable (I'll get back to that in a minute). And there are just other aspects of the show that I care about more than shipping because the end all be all of the show isn't whether or not two characters get together even if it is nice.

(TW:Depression just for this small section but better safe than sorry)

So the world is crashing down around me and I have been dissociating for the past month and you know what spop is a light hearted show that makes me happy. So I binged season 5 in a day and it brought a smile to my face for 3 weeks. It wasn't a perfect ending but it was satisfying. Even if it didn't really ship it I got my main character lesbian happily ever after.

Then I rewatched it.

I'm going to start of by saying, and I got to be honest (and I'm not speaking for everyone obviously) but if cat/ra/dora was het it would not get nearly as much love as it does. It was ground breaking as a mc lesbian relationship, but it was really toxic. Like rey/lo levels of toxic.

I personally was rooting for it until about season 3 when everything went into no return territory and in season 4 she. Just. Kept. Making. It. Worse. I feel that there just wasn't enough time in season 5 to come back from that. Both hordak and catra did terrible things but the difference is that hordak never hurt entrapta and his ending over all was left way more open ended, where as cat/ra actively harmed ad/ora multiple times throughout the show and she received a happy ending.

I really wish cat/ra's catalist for changing was just losing scorpia and not almost genocide and killing angella so more time (as in all of season 4 and 5) could have been put into her working towards forgiveness for her smaller actions (also scorpia got totally blown off and that is a real shame). Season five barely touched on cat/ra's larger war crimes and all of that could have been solved if she just didn't commit them. The portal could still have been activated in some way. I truly feel that mara, razz and light hope's whole subplot was really underdeveloped and if they were expanded upon that could have been a way for the portal to be activated. I don't have the systematics planned out but something else, anything, could have worked better.

Also I know this isn't the point of the show (as in: it's more about interpersonal relationships than overarching worlds but I do wish they went a bit more in depth with it because in the end everything felt just a bit too much like set dressing and less like a cohesive story) and hordak isn't a main character, but I just felt like he was really robbed this last season. What could have been a really cool horde history and cult plot line for hordak kinda went to cat/ra, and while that mind control scene was really well done and heart wrenching idk if it really would have been necessary if cat/ra wasn't the absolute worst. Idk it just felt like the cult plot line was like 80% cat/ra's and 20% hordak's when it should have been entirely his. Idk it could have been so good and than it just wasn't quite it.

Now it's coming out that noelle just didn't care for hordak all that much, which is fine! He was originally set up to be the main villain and she wasn't the lead writer for him. It's fine. But because she favors cat/ra so much you can really tell that some decisions were a little rash.

Ok final thoughts, and this is going to get gushy, but just in general the way hordak and entrapta are handled (on screen) are so good, like they are so in love and you can tell it's so beautiful. It's not perfect just like how nothing in this show is perfect (I wish we got that missing scene but don't we all) but I think it is a step in the right direction and it's just so good. I'm at the end of this and I don't have the words anymore for how soft those two make me.

This rant doesn't really have like a solid ending I just want people to talk to me.

Tldr: I'm satisfied and disappointed at the same time. Cat/ra/dora kinda sucks. Entrapdak is beautiful. Hordak deserved better. But also the future is looking really bright for queer and neurodivergent narratives in animation so you know what I think it's ok.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

hi ash! i know you said before that you're not autistic you just did a lot of research to depict chris realistically- do you have any advice for finding resources on writing disabled characters that isn't like... horribly abelist? im writing someone with an intellectual disability from head trauma and who is nonverbal, and i want to get it right but everything online seems very autism-speaks-y. im autistic and semiverbal but i dont have an id and i want to be realistic and respectful.

I cannot speak with any expertise or sense of speaking from enough experience to be taken as an expert here, and defer as always to those with lived experience with intellectual disability!

But I will give a few more general tips for what to do when looking to write a character with a neurological makeup that doesn’t match your own, as far as what has worked for me with Chris:

1. The story should never be ABOUT their lived experience if you do not also have it. Chris’s story is not about autism, or being autistic. I would never presume to try and write a story like that because, whatever my intentions, I don’t have that knowledge that comes from living it. I would at BEST be taking the experiences of others, their voices. At worst, I would be someone standing with a megaphone shouting over those who deserve to be heard.

Making the disability what the plot revolves around is... generally just not going to be a good idea, in any sense. It’s moments like this where I feel like it’s best to defer to the writers who have lived it, instead. 

This is not to say “never write someone different than yourself”, because... I don’t think that’s at all good advice. I think that way lies stunted writers who never push themselves. But it does mean “do not center the story on this thing if you have not experienced it and don’t have that knowledge and understanding”.

2. At the same time, don’t try to be coy or dance around or hide the disability behind purple prose or refuse to acknowledge its reality. Trying to make a disability sound cute, or talk around it instead of speaking it out loud, can be minimizing or shaming in ways that I think it’s easy to miss, if you don’t live with that disability yourself! To me, this touches on one of my hugest pet peeves - characters who are written as having a particular neurodivergence in media, or shown on tv, but they never expressly admit to it or name it. 

I know I hesitated with Chris, more because I didn’t feel comfortable giving him a diagnosis until I understood autism better myself, and I do regret how long it took me to embrace that reality about him. I just thought it better to err on the side of researching before I embraced. But I do feel some guilt about waiting so long when I had readers who were identifying so heavily with him, and I kind of knew, but just didn’t feel comfortable owning it yet.

3. On a related note - disabilities in a story that become melodramatic tragedy or turn the disabled character into a ‘redemption story’ for an abled character. This is so, so prevalent in common media and pop culture and once you recognize it for what it is, it’s so hard to not see it in so many places. Think of how many movies, novels, etc contain a disabled character who exists to teach abled people some virtuous lesson about living life to the fullest or ‘what it really means to be human’ blah blah blah blah blah. Don’t do that. Please. (I mean, I kind of feel like you definitely won’t, but I’m just speaking very generally here). If you find the story going in a direction in which abled people learn something from the disabled person, please think very carefully and critically as to why the story is heading in that direction.

Language alone can also be a problem here - think about the difference between openly describing a character moving around their life with a wheelchair vs. calling them “wheelchair-bound” or “reliant on a cane”, when the cane or wheelchair may actually represent freedom to that person - an aid they need, yes, but one that allows them to live with far more agency than they might have had otherwise. 

To describe them, especially from their own POV, as “wheelchair-bound”, may ring false to disabled people who understand that the wheelchair isn’t a cage, but a tool that allows that individual person to feel less caged by being able to more freely leave home.  

(This varies person to person, just providing an example)

4. Educate. Research. And don’t just do so by asking people with disabilities to tell you their stories. I often express gratitude to the autistic readers, those with ADHD, etc who spoke up about Chris, talked about their own experiences, identified with him, found him very resonating for aspects of their own lives. 

These stories, this information, this sharing of their lives was given freely to me, and I’m fucking amazed and grateful for how welcomed Chris was, and how willing readers were to share about themselves when talking about him.

Their willingness to speak about these things is something I treasure. But I absolutely would never believe that a single person owed me the story of their life to make sure I got Chris right. That was my responsibility, you know? I try to keep in mind the concept of ‘emotional labor’. Asking a disabled person to be your resource is asking them to give, and give, and give of themself. They may want to give you that kind of labor, they may not. But I definitely wouldn’t ask it of anyone without understanding it was something they were happy or felt comfortable giving.

Research, on the other hand, is essential. You mentioned things being “autism speaks-y” when trying to research on your own, and oh god, do I feel you. It sucks that autism speaks is the first thing to pop up when trying to research the lives of autistic people - and in my research, I was lucky to already know AS sucks and write them off and anyone who heavily referenced them as not helpful. I can see how someone might not know that, though, and stumble on them and believe they were a helpful resource for writing autism when they... well. Nope. 

Try to think about the express disability you are writing for this person, and why, and then go research! I looked up “books on autism recommended by autistic people”, and found some invaluable books, yes, but also papers published online, websites, etc! Each of them vetted and looked over and recommended by autistic people, so I knew I was getting information that came from people with those experiences and that understanding. A good example - I picked up a book on the history of diagnosis and treatment of autism in the United States, mentioned it here, and @redwingedwhump recommended a book called Neurotribes... which turned out to be immensely more helpful, spot-on, and provided some really excellent foundational information I wouldn’t have found in the first book at all.

There’s a lot of information out there on Traumatic Brain Injuries and their lasting effects on individuals who receive them, so I would start there. What you’re describing sounds like a TBI with lasting effects! So I would start your research there, and also look up being nonverbal separately, as well as combining the two. Make sure you’re not just looking at the top links - often paid ads or problematic organizations that are able to pay more for better exposure - but also scanning for blogs, nonprofits, lived-experiences stories, too.

I found a lot of information on the second or even third page of results i would never have seen if I only stuck to the first. Remember the algorithm on search engines is usually showing you what other people are clicking on, not necessarily the best source.

5. This is one you the asker already know, but I want to include it for general reasons: do not ‘dumb down’ the thought processes of a nonverbal or semi-verbal person. I see this in fiction surprisingly often, and I think it’s this sense we have as abled people (’we’ just meaning I’m including myself) that being verbal is required to have a highly complex thought process, and it’s... it’s just fucking not. Speech and though are related but not completely wound around each other, and the ability to verbalize is not the same as the ability to think. 

Like I said, I know you know this, asker, but it’s something I see in fiction/media and it drives me up the wall. So I wanted to include it.

6. For the love of God, do not use medical terminology unless you actually know what you’re doing/talking about. Many disabled people or those with serious medical conditions become what amounts to experts on their own diagnoses, because they have to. They have to be experts to receive the care they should be able to rely on. If you constantly fuck up terminology - trust me - it will be noticed, and it will take people out of the story or hurt their ability to suspend disbelief while reading.

There are ways to do medical scenes/conversations with doctors that avoid falling into this problem! I would just be very very careful to heavily research before using any complex terminology.

7. This disabled person does not exist to evoke pity. They are a human - nuanced and multi-layered - living their life, and their story should always, always reflect that. I don’t really have anything else to add to that.

I would love to hear further advice from anyone with anything else to add.

[kcatta-wodahs]

👉👈 if you're,, still doing the matchups,, I'd like one please? 🥺 My name is Kai, he/they (also gay-mammon, heyo 👀) Don't mind what kind of matchup you wanna do, or with any of the boys! I'm an aries, an introvert but I'm also really clingy and touchy djdbdb, usually like slow building romances. I usually draw, play games, or make stuff in my spare time, and meme humor makes me laugh the most. I'm emotional so I cry when I get mad, but I get mad a lot anyway. (1/2)

(2/2) I usually sleep when I'm having a bad day. I'm very passionate about the things I'm interested in, whether it's hobbies, fandoms, or communities. Neurodivergent and stimmy as all hell, and I invest a lot of my time in my special interests. Uhhh I'm not sure what else to put sjdbdn but i hope you're having a good day!!! I tried keeping this in one ask but that failed miserably 😭

A/N: KAIIIIII  hello i love your blog so i hope you love this i want to be friends. Also don't worry about the ask amount I've tried and it's like... impossible to get everything in one. I've sent in like 4 at a time. I have no idea how some people send in the longer ones without breaks? Tumblr mysteries.

I pair you with... Simeon!

Now, we all know he's an angel. Soft and supportive of so much, and you're so passionate that he can't help but be drawn to you. Your joy when surrounded by your interests, and when you delve deep into them warms his heart. He finds himself just watching you in order to calm himself, or when he needs to be cheered up. There is a lot of pressure on him as an angel and friend of Michael -- being with you brings him to his roots: The belief that he carries that angel and demon are no different from each other, or from humans. He finds the way you bring the three worlds together inspiring, and he wants to help you.

More Below the Cut!

Expect his latest writing to draw a lot of inspiration from you. He'll have new characters who stim like you do, or who find similar hobbies. He can't help it - you know so much more than he about how to be genuine. 

He loves to join you in your hobbies and interests, and will listen to you for hours. He gets invested in your special interests with you, and makes an effort to learn at least half of how much you know about them.

He is absolutely adorable about it too. If you're into cosplay? Guess what, he'll do the best cosplay just for you. He always gives you little gifts that are related to your interests, and you have no idea where he gets half of them.

Simeon loves to explore. He is up for anything once. (I mean, did you see how calm he was during that event?) And honestly, there isn't much that he won't enjoy.

👀 take this fact wherever you will 👀

He will go with you for moral support absolutely anywhere.

And if you're caught in a bad situation? If someone's being a dick? He's right beside you to help.

When you end up crying out of anger, he somehow knows how to help you get words past the lump in your throat. He will refuse to let whoever angered you demean you for crying, and will hold them there until they have properly apologized for their transgressions. 

Expect that there will be tons of times where you turn to look at him and find that he's already watching you with the fondest little smile.

Especially when you get excited about something, no matter how you show it. He is once again absolutely smitten every single time and he wants nothing more than to be near you.

He likes to watch you draw, if you're comfortable with it. Same with games -- he sucks at them (like a lot of technology) but since you play them he can easily enjoy them with you!

You like to take pictures of his failed attempts at using technology. 

Also his cluelessness with technology make him the perfect target for grandpa-meme jokes and its honestly so fun.

"OOh man he's a magic man" 

Snippet

The soft sliding of the door against the carpet woke Kai from his fitful sleep. Somehow he felt more tired than when he had collapsed into bed. The memories of the morning he had had still rang in his mind, and he wanted nothing more than to forget them.

However, when he looked up to see what had woken him, he found Simeon standing before him. The angel was holding a tea cup and platter and came to sit on the bed beside Kai's legs. Slowly, Kai sat up.

"Are you feeling any better?" Simeon asked. Kai could only respond with a shrug. Sympathy clearly crossed Simeon's gaze as he laid a hand lightly on Kai's leg and held out the cup to him. "This is for you. Once you finish it, I promise to leave you be."

Kai took the drink and breathed in the soothing steam. Whatever it was, it smelled lovely, but it wasn't what he needed right now. Seeing Simeon had helped him realize what it was he was truly looking for. He set the cup to the side, looking at the angel whose brows had knitted together in worry.

"If I don't finish it, will you stay?" 

Simeon's expression cleared into a small smile. "I might even if you do," he teased. In response, Kai held open his arms, looking for a hug, which Simeon instantly gave. Something in Kai released in that moment, allowing him to sniffle as tears started streaming down his cheeks. 

Simeon hummed softly against him, rubbing his back and brushing his hair with his fingers. He let Kai cry as long as he needed to, even if the tea grew cold in the meantime. When his tears slowed, Kai tried to mumble out an apology, but Simeon was having none of that. He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, wiping away the tears on his cheeks and following his fingers with little kisses. 

Then his breath whispered against Kai's ear, beautiful words that made the human’s breath catch in his throat, even though he couldn't understand them. It was as if Simeon's breath had become its own form of magic, a sigh with the feeling of a whole world in it. The rising of the sun and the beauty of a bird's song; the longing of the moon and its stars reflected in the seas; all hidden within the sentences he spoke.

Though he was reluctant to pull away, Kai did just to try and find some explanation in the angel's expression. Simeon's gaze was endlessly gentle, the closeness between the two only further cutting off Kai's questions. A small chuckle showed that Kai's unspoken confusion was heard.

"It is a poem we have in the Celestial Realm," he murmured, taking Kai's hand to his lips. He laid a small kiss on the first knuckle.

أنا أحبك.

Simeon breathed the beginning of the phrase again, a slight smile curving at his lips as the ancient language made Kai's breath stop once again. But he continued in the human tongue.

"As if all hearts were a mirror of mine,

"As if life were invented for my love,

أنا أحبك.

I love you. 

[cliban]

Stitches: Chapter 2

Turns out it’s actually a week you have to wait, sorry!

“ Glinn looked around subtly, then pulled out her knife and started to hack away at the edge of the crow's nest.”

“She doesn’t…”

“She can’t. Lox, please don’t..”

“Jala…”

“Like brainwashing…”

“Broken!”

“No more than we were.”

Voices slipped through the boards above Seventeen, and she curled closer to herself. Occasionally somebody would take a step, and she'd stiffen, stop breathing, until no other steps were taken. This cycle of hostility and tense behavior repeated several times before Seventeen, exhausted by the recent events, curled her tail around her, and slipped into a darkness previously almost unknown to her.  

~

Glinn marched away from the group to the mast, her steps brisk and deliberate and hard. That was nothing compared to the rage that boiled inside her stomach, her arms and shoulders, tense in such a way it made her muscles hurt to finally relax in preparation to haul herself up to the crow's nest. She grabbed a rope and steadied herself against the mast before racing up it, arms burning as she reached roughly three quarters of the way up. She grunted, dissatisfied, and reached up, clinging to the nest with her finger tips and steadying her legs as she hauled herself up. She sprawled onto the floor and rolled onto her back, sliding into a sitting position in one smooth motion.

Glinn looked around subtly, then pulled out her knife and started to hack away at the edge of the crow's nest. How dare he, how dare he? Her mind howled at her. Torturing them, hurting them, brainwashing them against you! She shivered unexpectedly, sinking the blade again and again into the softest parts of the wood. Moxie's gone, so now what do you have? A- she cut herself off, feeling slightly guilty. It wasn't her fault… but still. She wasn't strong enough, you don't deserve this poor excuse of a replacement! She spat and stabbed the wood a final time, and tucked into her belt and stood. She wrapped a rope partially around her hand and leaned over to the edge, taking in the sight, before simply… jumping.

Her skirt billowed in the wind as she swung down, Glinn knew that much. Lox had commented on it god knew how many times - she always punched him. It was always exciting, falling for a short while before the rope stretched taught and she lowered herself to the deck, landing lightly. She unwrapped the rope from her hand and continued to walk towards the stern of the ship, where Narali and Mara were talking quietly together.

"Captain? What's the plan?" Narali looked at Glinn, and Glinn felt cold as she saw the sadness in her captain's eyes. It was gone in a second. "First off, just Narali. Told you that a thousand times. Second… How we've always done it. We journey to the wilderness before the wasteland and we show her how the world is. Then we'll fly to Mars and check in on the rest of the team. I was just telling Em when we'd try to be there." Glinn sighed. “Yes, captain.” She breezed off, not looking back in case they spotted the dread on her face.

~

Seventeen was still curled up into a ball when she heard footsteps approach. She whimpered, shying away from whatever was coming towards her. There was a soft hum, and the footsteps stopped, followed by a slow shifting of weight. Crouching? Maybe sitting. She took a peek. It was Mara, sitting quietly cross legged a few meters away from her.

“I’m not here to convince you your viewpoint on the world is wrong, or hurt you.” He said quietly. He had a nice voice, calm and soothing. “My companions are a little rowdy, and my partner, Narali, is always full of energy. I can see that would be overwhelming to you, right?” Seventeen didn’t recognize his accent, but it was warm, adding a soft lilt to his words.

“I was just as confused as you when I began to explore the world, finding out things I wish I didn’t, and secrets that were hidden for a reason. I lost an eye for it.” He ran a finger over the metal plate, and the lights twinkled.

“I believe what I’m trying to say is… Take your time to think about things. You don’t have to believe whatever someone tells you. More people than you think only have their own interests at heart. I’ll make sure nobody bothers you.” Mara unfolded his legs in preparation to stand. His movements were slow, precise. Thoughtful. “Try thinking about your name first.” He stood quietly, and walked away with light footsteps.

Seventeen lifted her head and frowned. Her name? What about it? She didn’t really… have a name. It was a number, her number. She was Subject 0-17, and helpful to the rulers. She would help the authority, explore, perhaps even find new planets. She was strong, and would hopefully survive her training. That was who she was, nothing more, nothing less. Why would she need to think about it? She’d be going back to the lab eventually… Yet the crew of the Licienta had names, proper names. Maybe she needed one to be happy while they took her back? But why would she need to be happy? It was confusing. She sat there, thinking.

Too much of this didn’t make sense for Seventeen. She had always been at the lab, but now that she was away from it, she almost felt happier. But this new place was scarier, and she didn’t like it. Is that what you feel, or what you’re telling yourself? her mind whispered to her traitorously. Her tail thumped, frustrated, dislodging a plank from the floor. Frowning, Seventeen turned and pulled at it, revealing a book. It was small, and leather-bound. Curiously, she opened to the third page.

I’m… confused, I have to admit. I’ve been over there my entire life, but now I’m over here. Narali and Mara seem nice, but I’m terrified of them. Narali is unpredictable, volatile, according to everything I’ve been taught, but she they have treated me with kindness since they took me here. I’m… angry. Not the usual way. I’ve looked out on the bow of the Licienta as she flies through the open sky, and it’s beautiful. I’ve watched the sunrise from the crow’s nest. It’s so much better than the pictures. Yet my mind tells me I’m still in danger. That these people are dangerous, and I will die in the wilderness. I’ll have to go back, and continue my training to be able to control-

Footsteps.

Seventeen’s ears pricked up and she shoved the book back under the plank. It was Mara again. “Narali wishes to speak with you.” He said softly, and Seventeen stood straight up and to attention. Mara sighed, and made a follow me gesture. Seventeen followed him to the deck, and through a door. Narali sat inside. “Heya.” They motioned for Mara to close the door and waved Seventeen over to sit beside them. They had something in their hands, but they were fiddling too much with it for Seventeen to figure out what it was.

“So.” Narali had been silent for all of three seconds. “You’re pretty confused right now, huh?” Seventeen shrugged. “Maybe.” Narali nodded. “You know very little about me, but, not to sound creepy or anything, we know a lot about you. You are the seventeenth in a long line of experiments to create a super-powered being, capable of crowd control, space travel, and incredible fighting skills.” Seventeen looked away, through the window at the rear of the ship. It was a big window, taking up pretty much the entire wall of the cabin. They were facing it, the light of the setting sun on their faces. “Our goal is to rescue these people.” Narali said gently. “Rescue them? But from what?” Seventeen burst out. “I was perfectly happy there! I was going to be important, and helpful! Aren’t you going to take me back? Please take me back! I don’t want to be stuck here!” She clutched at Narali’s cufflinks and Narali took her hands in theirs.

“Were you taught about the Third War?” Narali asked, quietly, and Seventeen nodded slowly. “When the rulers saw that the people were uprising, they decided they needed a weapon, and quickly. Jala was given this project, and started taking people from their homes, experimenting on them, and when they ultimately died or escaped, taking new people. It’s an awful cycle of torture that you’ve been sucked into.” Narali’s face was bright with passion and sadness. “You were one of them, but you were turned, and I assume you lost your memories.” Seventeen looked away. “I think you’re lying. I was created there, and I need to go back.”

Narali shook their head, and squeezed Seventeen’s hands gently. “That’s what you were taught from the moment your mind was reset and you were stitched back together. Your aversion to neurodivergent people? Taught to you by Jala because they are the only people that he can’t use his mind control on. Our minds are configured in mysterious ways, and it’s how he finds and takes us.” Seventeen went tense. “What do you mean, our?” Narali bit their lip, mixing red with the purple lipstick. “We… The crew are all neurodivergent. We stick together because there’s nowhere else for us. I was failed and cast out for the impulsivity that my ADHD causes. Mara was almost beaten to death for misreading someone’s body language and not getting out when he could. Lox was thought to be a conman with his separate personalities, and nobody associates with them. Glinn has a very short temper, and tended to snap, once too many times.”

Seventeen ripped her hands away from Narali’s like they were poisoned. “Don’t.” Narali said softly, watching Seventeen’s mouth open. She twirled her hair nervously. “Think about it. If all the subjects have been neurodivergent…” Narali trailed off. “No. No…..” Seventeen felt her mind struggle to comprehend the information. And she knew she didn’t want to go back to the lab, but it was the only thing she’d ever known. “Prisoner..” she whispered. Her fears didn’t disappear. Her habits, her thought patterns, they were still there. But she knew. Maybe. But being here felt right, and the lab felt wrong. But she wasn’t supposed to have feelings…

Seventeen buried her face in her hands. “I don’t understand…” she whispered. Narali stood up. “Come on.” Seventeen took her hands away. A single stream of tears flowed steadily down her face, and Narali smiled sadly. They outstretched a hand and Seventeen looked at it, confused. Narali shrugged, and led the way out of the cabin to the very stern of the ship, hooking their legs over the railing and watching the sun begin to disappear below the clouds.

“You’ve never seen this before, I bet? This sight… all the oranges and yellows.”

Seventeen shook her head. “Not these colours.”

Narali smiled thinly. “Wait until you see the nebulas we fly through. You’ll love them, I bet. And the rest of our crew: Em, Sere, Veroh, the gang.” They sounded… downcast, somehow, and Seventeen snuck a look to see their face. Unreadable, as per usual. Then Narali spoke again, and they were brighter, more cheerful. “I know it’s hard. Going away from everything you’ve ever known. But take a look at the sunset, and you tell me whether it’s worth it or not.” Seventeen opened her mouth and Narali shook their head. “You don’t have to tell me now. Take as long as you want, forget about it if you want.” They pulled their knees to their chest. “Would you like me to stay?” Seventeen shook her head, and Narali took off their hat. “That’s okay. I can put off our evening meal for a little while until you feel ready to come down and eat with us.” They stood up, hair blowing in the small breeze, and walked off.

The sunset was beautiful. Red bled out into orange, and orange turned into yellow, and then it disappeared behind the clouds. Orange light shone gently on Seventeen’s face, and her legs and tail dangled of the edge of the ship. Her legs trembled, and so did her hands. “Whether it’s worth it or not…. Names.” Seventeen whispered to herself, and her voice cut across the quiet sky. She was cold. What if she jumped from the ship, and tried to go to the horizon from here? Would the clouds catch her, or would she tumble straight through them as they drifted by with cruel indifference? A tear dripped onto her hand. She hadn’t even realised she was crying. Her limbs were still shaking, and she was still freezing. Perhaps… Perhaps they would make sure she was warm and safe. Maybe. Or was that just her wishful thinking, for them to do what Jala never did? She wrapped her arms around herself.

Jala wasn’t a bad person. He’d been nice to her some of the time. She loved him as a parent, as one of the ones who raised her. And she didn’t want to leave her family, her home. But how many times had she begged to go out? To meet people? For him to please love her as a daughter. How many times had she cried, then fallen into an emotionless state for months? More tears dripped down. Seventeen stared at them. Light reflected off them like a few scattered diamonds on her hand. This is what she had prayed for. People to come take her away, go on an adventure. Leave her old life behind. But now that it was happening… It hurt her. She didn’t want anything to change, but she did at the same time. She buried her face in her hands, and took a deep, shuddering breath. Then she stood, and put her hands by her sides, hair whipping in the wind, and sun shining its last few rays onto her face. As it disappeared, she blew it a kiss, trembling.

~

When she finally stepped below deck, she felt four sets of eyes on her. Glinn was peering over her large book, and Lox was wrapped up in a blanket. She wouldnt’ve known it was him if it weren’t for the glasses perched on the small gap in the sheets. Narali had their chin on Mara’s shoulder as he fiddled with some kind of device.

It was hard to keep herself from shivering, but under the deck it was warmer, and she gradually loosened her shoulders. She must still have been trembling, though, because Narali stood up, shrugging off their coat, and walked over to her. Underneath they were strong and pale and wore some kind of chest wrap. They held it out to her and she slipped it on. It was warm. Comforting. Narali smiled at her. “Thank you.” She bowed her head, and Narali exhaled slowly. “Would you like some food, Seventeen? Lord knows Lox has been complaining about it all night.” They rolled their eyes as a muffled exclamation came from the bundle of blankets. She shook her head. “I would like food, but I wouldn’t like to be Seventeen.” Down at the table, Mara hid a smile. Narali nodded. “What would you like to be known as?” She shrugged. “I have no idea.”

There was a snort from the bundle of blankets and Lox’s glasses changed colour to yellow. “Vrin name?” He said hopefully. He… or she? It was hard to tell. Narali glanced at them. “Vrin normally takes charge of naming people. He likes naming.” Every single instinct of her was telling her to run, but she walked over. “Hmm… Ess… Ss.” Vrin murmured. “Sahvanten… Sahlia!” The newly named Sahlia blinked. She liked that name. “Sahlia…” She smiled slightly. “Sahlia. I like that.” The glasses changed back to purple and Lox’s voice floated out of the bundle of blankets. “Now can we eat? I’m starving.” Glinn threw her book at him. “Ow.”

Narali chuckled, and disappeared into a room, returning a few seconds later with a container full of food. “I cooked tonight, Glinn’s on cleanup.” Glinn glanced at her nails and grimaced. Mara took out the plate covering his eye and put a tiny screwdriver onto it. Underneath the eyesocket was hollow, and scar tissue surrounded the bottom of it, normally covered by the plate. The screwdriver must have been magnetic, as it stuck to the plate, fitting alongside the other small tools on the back of the plate. Mara put it back on, and carried his device over to a shelf. Lox crawled out of his blanket bundle, and Gliin retrieved her book. Sahlia noticed she carefully put it back in the bookshelf before walking over.

The crew didn’t eat in silence, which was odd. Chatter and laughter filled the air, and Lox’s glasses spun with several colours. Sahlia was only mildly uncomfortable, which was an improvement. There was an increase in volume as Glinn stabbed a fork in Lox’s direction, who was laughing at her, but the rest of the meal was fine. Mara gathered up the plates and disappeared into the cabin, coming out a few seconds later. “Where’s Sahlia going to sleep?” He asked quietly, and Narali furrowed their brow. “We really need more hammocks… We gave most of them to the ground crew.” They gestured to the hammock section. “I'll find another one.” Glinn said quietly, and stood up to go do so. Lox darted after her. “Wait, you don’t need to…” Sahlia trailed off.

Narali smiled after them and went above deck with Mara after taking their coat back, leaving Sahlia to sit there awkwardly until Glinn returned with some cloth and started to hang it up. “Lox, help me out here.” She fumbled a little with the cloth until Lox held the other end up for her. “Thank you. Is Misty fronting or something? You’re not normally so helpful and quiet.” Glinn teased, and Lox huffed amiably at her. “You are a cruel person. I’m incredibly helpful.” Glinn tied a knot and tugged experimentally on the hammock. “I still saved you that time, and what have you done? Apart from annoy me?” She grinned at him, and Lox nudged her shoulder affectionately. Then Glinn glanced at Sahlia and scurried away.

No more large events happened that evening, and Narali and Mara went on lookout duty. They extinguished the lanterns and Narali took first watch. Lying there in the blue-hued darkness, Sahlia reflected that, well. It had only been a day. She saw movement and froze, wondering if they were coming to kill her, but it was only Glinn, stepping very cautiously over to Lox’s hammock. She tapped his shoulder and climbed in with him. “Thought you weren’t going to tonight.” He said softly. “Shut up. You know I like heat sources when I sleep. Besides, what if the captain or Mara or Sahlia catch us and think the wrong thing?” Glinn hissed, and Lox chuckled quietly. “You’re an odd one.” “Shut up.” Sahlia tilted her head, but by then she was so extremely tired, and before she could ask them what was going on, she was asleep.

[teenagebeautyqueen]

[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

——————————————————————

it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.

[angelrider13]

001 Voltron: Legendary Defender

Favorite character: Keith. Hands down. He was my fav even before I watched the show and I just saw random gif sets as I scrolled though my dash. Although Matt is a close second.

Least favorite character: …this is surprisingly hard, I usually have the opposite problem. Picking favorites is Death, but there’s usually this one character I hate above all others…in this fandom not so much. Hmmmm…I guess if I have to pick one, it’d Haggar because she ALWAYS has something planned. I mean when Lotor does it I’m like “Ha! I knew it. Sneaky prince is sneaky.” But when it’s Haggar, I’m like “Fuck. Why can’t you leave my children alone?! LeT tHeM REsT.”

5 favorite ships (canon or non-canon): (I mean, I’m open to pretty much any ship [keep your evil ship wars and discourse away from me] but for my top 5, in no particular order)Klance - I will be the first to admit that I am Klance trash. I tried not to be. I swear I did. It just happened. I have no excuse.Sheith - First ship I shipped in this fandom. They have super good chemistry.Shatt - I was sucked in by all the pre-Kerberos fic. I have no regrets.Shallura - They are in leadership positions and they support each other and I just think they would work well together.Hunay - …How do you NOT ship these two? Is that even possible???

Character I find most attractive: Shiro. Don’t get me wrong, our cast is very pretty, but….Shiro.

Character I would marry: Again, Shiro. He would make a good partner, I feel like.

Character I would be best friends with: Definitely Matt. He is basically what the inside of my head sounds like (minus like all of the smart science things). But we could be total nerds together and it would be awesome.

A random thought: I want more Lions. Like, how do they each communicate with their paladins? How do they feel about everything that’s happening? How sentient are they exactly? I just want more Lion stuff.

An unpopular opinion: This fandom is really bad at writing in-character mental illness. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for neurodivergent paladins. But the way that a majority of the fandom writes it seems…over exaggerated. Now I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who experience depression or anxiety or autism or whatever that way, I’m just saying that it’s almost never in-character. For instance:

Fanon Lance + depression = cries all the time, doesn’t talk to anyone, runs away, stays in bed, suddenly incapable of combat/piloting, etc.

Canon Lance + depression = puts a smile on even if he feels like dying inside, talks to his friends but never about himself, stays because people need him even if he’d rather disappear, gets out of bed cause he’s got shit to do, kicks asses and takes names because he can’t afford to do anything else, etc.

A lot of people in this fandom seem to equate mental illness with weepy sadness that can be cured with a hug and the Power of Friendship~. No. It doesn’t work like that. It is so much more complicated than that. Being mentally ill doesn’t make someone inherently weak, but a lot of people seem to think that way. If Lance has depression or Hunk has anxiety, or Pidge has autism or Shiro has PTSD or Keith has Borderline Personality Disorder, it doesn’t mean they’re going to collapse as soon as you poke them with a feather. It doesn’t mean they’ll give up because they have this sudden “inability.” They’ll have moments of weakness, sure, they’re human after all. But they will be moments.

They’ve proven, in canon (specifically Shiro as his PTSD is actually canon), that they all have the strength to push past their issues and get done what needs to be done. They have shit to do, they’ll have that anxiety attack later.

Mental illness is messy and complicated and has no easy fix, but almost no one writes it that way. It’s romanticized and used as an excuse to make characters behave in a way they usually wouldn’t. And it’s just really frustrating.

My Canon OTP: I mean, Hunay is basically canon right? They’re just at the mutual pining stage rather than the actual relationship stage.

My non-canon OTP: Again, I am Klance trash.

Most badass character: Are you kidding me? It’s totally Keith. Why is this even a question.

Most epic villain: …ya know, I’m not really sure? Zarkon and Haggar don’t really strike me as “epic.” Zarkon is a little to obsessed with the Black Lion for me to take him seriously and Haggar is a little too obsessed with Zarkon and Quintessence for me to consider - she doesn’t have her own goals really, just Zarkon’s and in my opinion, an epic villain needs to have their own master plan for their own purposes.

…does Lotor count? Have we decided if he’s a villain yet??

Pairing I’m not a fan of: Hmmm anything with Pidge really - I headcanon her as ace-spec. But if we’re talking canon, then honestly? I’d have to say Zarkon/Honerva. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they started off cute, but that relationship got really unhealthy. That saying, love is blind? Yeah, totally accurate here. Zarkon was totally oblivious to literally the rest of universe and Honerva became so obsessed with her research that she was oblivious to the rest of the universe and Zarkon.

At the end there, Honerva looked like she was at the level of obsession where she didn’t leave her lab. She probably slept there. She didn’t even acknowledge him or Alfor when they came in until the topic of shutting down her research came up. And then she didn’t talk to Zarkon - she yelled at Alfor. And Zarkon just fed into her obsession, even though Alfor was bringing up valid points (the deterioration of his planet and Honerva’s health). And their relationship now? Yeah, no.

I know a lot of the fandom sees them as this cute power couple, but their relationship was NOT healthy. At all. And that’s not even touching what their relationship is like post-mortum.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Er, all of them? In the writers’ defense, with a cast this large, there is only so much you can explore individually within the limited time frame they have. However. There are a lot of moments where the characters just feel…well flat. They don’t have depth and then the writers will keep focusing on that flat point and they don’t do anything with it. If you’re going to take the time to bring attention to it, develop it! Change it! Let it grow! Hunk especially! Give our golden boy some more screen time!

Favorite Friendship: Hunk and Pidge brotp. They are so adorable and I love them. Every time these two dorks interact on screen together, my life is brighter.

Character I most identify with: Keith. He is literally me in all social situations. Jokes go over his head, he’s not really sure of the appropriate response, he is an introvert and desperately wants companionship but at the same time wants to avoid it, he is constantly going how do i person? Yep, that’s me.

Character I wish I could be: Matt or Allura. They both know what they want and they’re passionate and confident and outgoing and sassy and I so wish that was me.

[aquarianlights]

Depending on how tomorrow goes, I may or may not go MIA from every single social media site and texting app that everyone knows me on without any notice but this. I’m not really telling anyone. Posting a mass update here and maybe fb later. But even if tomorrow goes “well” or anywhere in the “good” category...I may be too overwhelmed to be talking to anyone or on any kind of social media for a while. Hours, days, weeks. If it goes poorly, expect me gone for at least a month. If I’m still alive by the end of that---which I should be, coz I will have Echo right by my side and he will never leave my side again and I will do everything in my power to push through and be positive and be a good dad for him---then I will eventually crawl back onto social media. But my queue may run out for the second time in my entire time since I made this blog like 6-7+ years ago. It’s only run out once so far and that’s because it wasn’t maxed out and slowed down before I got institutionalized once and that was a longer stay than normal. Normally I manage to get out before my queue runs out and then ...”treat myself” with a queue filling binge of positive stuff and foxes and glittery things and nerdy things and all things christmas and cold weather. Just general stuff I like...packing it full, coz it’ll usually be on the very last few posts by the time I get out, but no one will have noticed my absence coz it won’t have run out.

But the personal space I will need from how intense this could potentially be...is terrifying for me. I usually go to social media to cope. Somehow, this is so terrifying, that stepping away from social media, stepping away from my friends, and venturing out on my own and putting myself in rather dangerous situations would be my best way to cope. Other than pouring my hours into research and schoolwork... I do have plenty of medical texts to read that I haven’t had the time to do more than skim over [stares longingly at them all].

The amount of overwhelming this is ....is just... it would break a neurotypical person and shred them to pieces. For me? I’m not sure what it will do. The good thing about my particular neurodivergency is that I don’t have much of a conscience to work with (I thought the auditory hallucinations were what everyone was referring to as a conscience until professionals finally told me that’s not what a conscience is and upon further research found I didn’t have one which is great for this situation but damn). I

This could potentially be the hardest moment of my entire life, but I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the biggest mistake I ever make, but I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the best thing that ever happens to me, but again... I won’t know that until I’m lying on my death bed. As of right now...at the age of 26...on the date of February 24th, 2018. . .this WILL be the hardest day of my entire life to date. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, no matter the outcome. I’m not scared; I’m sick. I feel like it’d be a better idea to kill myself than go through with this. I’d get to avoid the whole thing.

I hate how logical that is.

And I hate how there’s literally not a single counter argument to it and not even one downside. There WAS one downside and that was that my friends would grieve and/or care but the two people who I was worried about caring/grieving and it affecting their lives have thoroughly proven it won’t and that they do not. That’s not pessimism or anything. That’s just cold, hard fact. Yeah, it’s a sad fact. But. . .it’s fact nonetheless. And I gotta look at the truth one way or another. Facts don’t change just because they’re not in my favour.

I really do hate how logical suicide is right now.

And I really do hate how there isn’t a single counter-argument to it. And how I have absolutely no one in my corner right now and how I have to support every single one of my friends despite the fact I have told them over and over again that I can’t be there for them and to stop and to back the fuck off with their damn problems, because I’m going through too much of my own stuff to help them with theirs. There’s only two people I will put aside my ridiculous mountain of issues that could possibly lead to my death and hopefully will to help...One has proven she is and always has been in my corner no matter what she’s going through. And the other has proven that she is definitely unreliable and won’t be there for me no matter how hard I try for her. The first one... She is the strongest person ever and she will get through my death. She will. She’s been through worse. The second one won’t care even in the slightest or even notice. I’m pretty sure she’d be relieved and happy, tbh. Lol. She’d be out there thinkin’ “FINALLY, DAMN” lolololol. I know I would be. Like, I know I WILL be when I finally do it and get to move on to the next plane of existence and get those brief moments as an infant where you’re not able to speak or communicate in any way because you have all your memories from your past life? Yeah. I’m gonna be fucking throwing a party in whatever form of a crib or bed type thing my new planet and new species has. I hope to fuck my new species is a lot more peaceful than this one. And I hope they’re more advanced and more intelligent. I guess that depends on my karma and I have no clue where my karma is at right now tbh coz I’ve done so many EXTREMELY horrible things in my life, but I’ve also done almost the exact same amount of EXTREMELY amazingly genuinely GOOD things in my life at this point that it practically balances it out to 0 so I’m just all [shruggy emoji] on whether the omnipotent fate aliens would demote or promote me during reincarnation. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Man. Tomorrow may just kill me. Hell, if I don’t kill myself before I start the drive tomorrow, I have 2 1/2 hours of driving to think about killing myself every single goddamn second during the drive there...and if, for some weird reason, I don’t have my dog on the way home...... I will have another 2 1/2 hours to think every single second about killing myself. And how the fuck easy would it be to do on Blood Mountain? I’m p sure my car takes via the route that goes over Blood Mountain. People die on Blood Mountain just driving normally.... All I gotta do is push the limits a little. Not hard to die on Blood Mountain...lmao. Not hard AT ALL. I hope my GPS takes me that way coz that’s when I start recognizing where I am and know I’m getting SORT OF close-ish I guess??? and then that idea of suicide just sounds WAY better so...not a bad idea to take a BUNCH of pills in the town right BEFORE blood mountain and then speed through it when I can’t feel my fucking feet on the pedals and am nodding off at the wheel so that I drive my car right through a guard rail or over the side of the cliff OR right into the rock wall. Yep. That sounds p fucking fantastic. Ugh. I have the worst ideas regarding car deaths and I can never do it coz I don’t wanna total my car.... Lmao. The only thing that stops me from doing it is coz I don’t wanna total my car and being a med student, my mind goes through the entire list of “what COULD happen” and how slow of a death if no one finds me and this and that and calculations and blah blah blah and palatalization and amputations and blah blah BLAH and ruining dreams for if I am FORCED into living and BLAH BLAH BLAH and car suicide is the absolute WORST idea for someone who NEEDS a bright, fast, chaotic, able-bodied future if they are forced to live omg lmao BUT....I mean, I have so many other methods in my head that I know practically all the things and I’ve tried so many ways now that I just know what I can and can’t handle and I think tomorrow is gonna be the make or break. But having Echo in the car with me after being broken..........will force me to stay alive. Which will suck so badly. But I will have to also compartmentalize all my pain and my negativity so that he’s not even MORE stressed out than by all the commotion of the situation and then by this crazy car ride and by most likely throwing up in the car.

ERGH.

I need to stop thinking about this and distract myself but I also need to rest my joints so I guess I’m gonna watch a documentary.... something nice and calming but also stimulating... I just wish people didn’t talk so monotone when narrating documentaries. Especially when it’s about the supernatural and extraterrestrials and government experiments and stuff. Like COME ON, NARRATORS. GET EXCITED. GET INTO IT! FOR FUCKS SAKE, THERE’S A REASON PEOPLE GET PUT TO SLEEP BY DOCUMENTARIES AND IT’S NOT THE DOCUMENTARY....IT’S YOU! THE NARRATOR! YOU’RE THE ISSUE. GET INVOLVED. GET HYPED ABOUT THE INFORMATION! GET PASSIONATE. FOR FUCKS SAKE, IT’S COOL STUFF. FUCKING ACT LIKE IT, YA DAMN MONOTONE, ROBOTIC NIMROD. Ergh. Someone needs to sign me up to narrate a documentary. I used to speak at public rallies about puppy mills all over my county to educate the masses during high school because I was enraged about it and TRUST ME when YOU’RE having FUN WITH IT or ENRAGED BY IT or THINK THE INFORMATION IS COOL and REALLY GET INTO IT...........SO WILL YOUR AUDIENCE. It’s not the information that’s boring. It’s not the documentary that’s boring. It’s not the subject material. IT’S THE NARRATOR. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ME JUST LET ME DO THEIR DAMN JOB CORRECTLY SO I CAN SHOW THEM HOW TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS SO THEY CAN LEARN. FUCK.

dfkhdglskagjdshlkg Omg.

No okay now I’m gonna get angry at a documentary narrator for not doing their job correctly. Lmao. Gotta watch something uh.... Passionate. I guess. But that doesn’t require too much focus. But doesn’t numb my mind. Star Trek. I always default to Star Trek. Jfc. I guess I’mma pop on some Weyoun heavy episodes while I wait for the “all clear” on my joint timer thing so I can get up and exercise and do some fucking research and maybe pleasure-read for a bit before more joint resting because long drives and lots of heavy lifting is a big no-no and I’m not supposed to but things aren’t gonna pack themselves. Things aren’t gonna sort themselves?? LIKE??? Fuck it’s gonna be SO hard leaving majority of my material possessions that have so much personal value to me. :/ Argh. I don’t even have the ability to take them in order to sell them. I don’t even have that kind of strength or time. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

EDS is a fucking bitch, man. Fucking BITCH. T-Therapy better fucking cure EDS. Like. They’re all on board with it. 4 of my specialists are. And I’m meeting with my HRT doc next week. This coming week. So.... we’ll see. She cordoned off 2 appointments for me for all the things. Sigh. 

Oh right. Yes. Joint rest.

I’m bad at this. I hate resting. I really do. I hate being stationary. I hate not being able to do stuff. I HATE THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EDS is a fucking killer for people with former suicidal depression who had had it all their life and it had apparently been fixed by meds and now suddenly it’s back like WOW fuck EDS. Ugh. And I’m getting all these phone calls from my docs as my tests come back telling me I need to change my diet to avoid this and that and change this and that like whole HUGE lifestyle changes but adding “We’ll go over the full thing at our next appointment, but I STRONGLY ADVISE...” I’m like, “Well bitch as long as you tell me it’s just advise and not a MUST, I want a damn biscuit okay. Fuck your no gluten.” But then again, I have a stomach ulcer so I can’t really eat ANYTHING right now so wah. [whines]

FUCK. KILLIAN. LIE DOWN. STOP TYPING. I NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING WHACK ME WITH A FUCKING RULER OR SOMETHING LIKE THE NUNS USED TO DO IN MY PRIVATE, CATHOLIC SCHOOL. LMAO.

[stops now...for real this time...but reluctantly and rather bitterly]

[silver-spider-art]

Borderlands Head Canons

Okay so I have horrible depression writer's block rn and have been replaying all the borderlands games while also daydreaming all the stories I want to tell with these characters. So I’m just going to write out my head canons for shits and giggles cuz I have a lot of thoughts.

Handsome Jack:

Jack is such a wild card. He’s an overgrown toddler and an impatient genius. Also sexy as hell and a problematic fave. I spend so much time playing the game sassing and back talking him (like he can fucking hear me) but I still adore him. And relistening to some of the dialog lines I’ve built up a variety of head canon and AU ideas for him. 

So canon vs fanon is a little squishy in my head but Moxxi claims his face is plastic surgery and I’m taking that to be more than the mask. He’s definitely ADHD and neurodivergent. Plus a good helping of PTSD and paranoia thanks to Grandma and trauma from his ex-wives. Those are all his starting points but he breaks into 3 categories based on Angel. Bad Dad, Okay Dad, and Good Dad.

Bad Dad is canon and tips the point of no return for Jack’s mental instability when Angel brutally (but accidentally) murders his wife/her mom. Afraid of his own daughter and horribly betrayed and without “the one good force” in his life, he starts down the path of ultimate Sheakspearian self-destruction. All relationships end tragically and he’s his own greatest enemy. As far as the wife goes, I’m 100% that she is on a pedestal in his head and while he can think no ill of her, the relationship wasn’t all roses. 

Okay Dad, in AUs this would be where however his wife died or was lost it didn’t result in his fearing Angel (I normally leave this idea for modern!AUs without Siren powers). He is still overprotective and “doing it for your own good” but without the torture or horrific manipulation. Because of this, while Angel might still resent or hate him, he still has something to live for and is capable of somewhat decent relationships. Still, he rather sucks at it and more often than not is self-destructive. (my fave for writing and reading)

Good Dad, this is a strange and mysterious creature that is nearly unheard of. So often this feels so out of place. So much would have to change to create a catalyst in his life for him to turn out healthy. I mostly see this as a redemption arch thing. Where he might be able to turn it around and make amends given the right people around him. 

The other thing I’ve been growing ever found of is trans!jack. He wears a ridiculous number of layers of clothing which is definitely hiding his soft gut, but I’m very fond of the idea that much of his bragging and defensiveness is overcompensation for his fear and trauma both from childhood abuse and gender. There is quite a bit in game dialog on the Jack vs John thing. For the trans!jack I’m actually loving the idea that when he came out and remade his life, he chose John and was hired in at Hyperion with them only knowing him as John. But as he got more comfortable with his new life (and Tassiter made him start hating his new name) he wanted to reclaim his birth name. That he’s always gone by the nickname Jack (born Jacqueline) and was now confident enough in presenting male (and helped by Nisha) that he would even let friends call him Jackie without feeling less masculine. (super self-indulgent reasonings for this)

Other random head canons, Jack is polysexual and pansexual. He prefers women romantically but usually has longer last relationships with men yet rarely thinks of them in the same light. He’s mostly into women powerful enough to crush him and while he is aggressive and into being on top, he’d make a shit dom. He’s impatient and easily losses himself to pleasure. He is, however, a very good sub but it takes a huge amount of trust for him to allow that. (this is also why he is so angry at his attraction to Rhys. Rhys is a soft nerd who can’t even fire a gun, the exact opposite of Jack’s type and he falls for him anyway.) Jack’s vanity knows no bound and he spends way too much time of his look every morning to look perfectly disheveled and like he doesn’t care. Also extremely attached to his favorite things with huge possessiveness (partially caused by aforementioned childhood trauma). Jack actually likes cats but hates being around then cuz old childhood pain. Jack is also complete and utter crap at taking about his feelings or opening up to people.

Timothy Lawrence: 

So for dear Tim, my beloved favorite, I have 2 main categories, canon doppelganger or au brother. 

Doppelganger: needing money he took a job as Jack’s body double and had plastic surgery to look like Jack. Depending on Jack (Bad/Okay/Good) his relationship turns out drastically different. 

Bad ending poor Tim gets branded and has to fell his possessive and deranged boss and spends his life masked on Pandora as a mercenary. Always hiding his face for fear of those who want revenge on the man whose face he wears. 

Okay fate, he and Jack are lovers. They fight a lot and Tim’s most often catchphrase is “damn it, Jack” but in the end, Jack is his asshole. Their relationship is polyamorous and stable. But Tim is often in the shadows and overlooked, partially by choice. 

Good end? This is so rare I have no idea.

Twin/Brother: having grown up together they get Jack’s asshole and abusing Grandmother and Tim’s “laughs at your death” mother. Having one family member and someone he can always fall back on to help him and someone to be a hero for, Jack never goes full Bad ending. Despite all their fighting and issues, they balance each other out. Always falls in the Okay category of Jack’s relationship to Angel. 

But I’ve been working out the redemption arch to lead to a Good Dad ending. Jack actually being self-sacrificing for once and giving up something he wants for his brother's happiness. One idea is that both he and Tim are both pursuing Rhys but after some inciting incidents, Jack comes to realize that his family and friends are happier with Rhys in their lives and Jack knows that he’ll just ruin it like he’d started to do. I can see this beautiful scene of Jack seeing Tim and Rhys talk at a party and seeing Angel come up to join them. His heart aches because he wants that to be himself in Tim’s place but knows it would never happen. That in the end, he’s poison. So he chooses to give up. To let that peaceful scene be reality. That he can accept his claim on Rhys just being as family and not as lover. And that moment of clarity and change of focus helps get him on the path to repairing his relationship with Angel and his brother. Never a smooth ride and he fails a lot, but it does get better.

But back to Tim. 

Tim/Rhys is life. I love these two together like nothing else. Jack/Tim and Jack/Rhys is always unstable and huge potential for unhealthy. But Tim/Rhys is heaven and precious and good.

Tim loves cats and sweaters. He wants to write an epic fantasy story but has no faith in his abilities. He’s anxious and terrified of heights but he will be it anyway even while white with fear. He has a huge cybernetic kink he doesn’t want to admit to. Tim dated Wilhelm until the end and still deeply cares for the huge quiet man. While Tim dislikes blood and guts, he found he was actually really good and fighting. After he started the body double gig he got swoll and has stayed in shape since (his own vanity showing). He’s covered in freckles and tans dark in the sun. His voice can be very awkward and scratchy but confidence and vocal training helps that in the non-canon or modern!au settings. Tim is a much better fighter than Jack and can handle any weapon thrown into his hands (I mean just look at his skill tree in game) but he always holds himself back outside of combat and thinks of himself as weak. Despite his skill, he lacks confidence and in the bad endings always believes Jack is actually stronger than him.

Rhys:

My boy. Rhys is trans and autistic. He works very hard to make sure it doesn’t show. He volunteered to get the eye and experimental echo port in order to help compensate for his mental limitations and further enhance his positive skills. His cybernetic arm was also technically voluntary and for badass points he always claims so, but he wasn’t giving up a “perfectly good arm” but a barely functioning arm that always caused him chronic pain due to a poorly healed childhood injury. He stared in Data Mining and while he refused to act in violence to advance, Rhys has very gray morals and had done plenty of shady things to advance in Hyperion. He never had a problem with killing in the vague sense, just not wanting to get his hands dirty directly. This does change slowly, but he still hates guns. They are just very hard for him. When he must fight, melee is the way he goes. Rhys got his chest tattoos after his top surgery to disguise the scars. like his flashy cybernetics, his main goals are “if I have to stand out I want them looking at me because I’m too pretty to look away from”. He tries to fake it till he makes it with confidence even when he has no idea what’s happening. 

He always looks everything up on the EchoNet and panics when his connection to it is cut off. It’s his safety net/blanket in many ways. The more the situation is out of control and not following his plan, the more his anxieties act up and leave him vulnerable. This is how Jack easily manipulates him when everything is going to hell. He needs more time to think through things then the chaos of Pandora allowed. Once he’s used to the wasteland and it’s people, this is less of an issue. (Hyperion Rhys vs Atlas Rhys)

His special interests are colorful socks, Handsome Jack (he regrets that deeply after meeting the man), and his new interest is A.I.s. Though Rhys is very into his cybernetics and has moded them some, he can’t build them. His skills are haking, programming, and coding. His old goals where to get a job in digital security or programming once he could get out of data mining. Now as Atlas CEO his pet project has been building and refining A.I.

Random: Rhys is bisexual and leans a bit poly. He is sex positive but doesn’t have to have it in a relationship. He will follow along with most all his partner's kinks as it’s most important for him that they are having fun together. Soft fluff and cuddles are what he lives for though. (everything about this is super self-indulgent)

Angel:

Angel is autistic. It puts her in an especially dangerous/vulnerable position with her powers and Bad Dad Jack doesn’t know what to do with her without his wife to help. He loves his baby girl dearly, but he’s lost and doesn’t know how to help her. In the end, he uses her to fuel his own obsessions and the veneer of childhood is stripped from her eyes as resentment sets in. She lost her father long ago and now only wants release. Like Tim, she could have tried to kill him herself, but while she can and does betray him, he’s still her father in the end.

Okay Dad Jack, (mostly modern!aus) struggles with how to raise Angel but genuinely tries his best. His second marriage was entirely to have a mom for her, knowing he was a shit parent. That wasn’t a good marriage and Angel still didn’t get a mom out of it. Angel goes up angry and resentful of her dad and often refuses to call him anything but Jack. She’s angry that he still treats her like a child. She can’t live on her own and needs assistance in common tasks due to her limitations, but can’t stand being treated childishly like his always buying her unicorn themed things and his insistence on not swearing. She struggles to understand that Jack needs these things for himself too and they both just suck at communicating to each other. They circle around each other, in a strange dance, more like roommates than family. Angel works for Jack as his security expert and hacker/spy. She was instrumental in him taking over Hyperion.

Good Dad... like beforementioned, this is hardly a thing. The good times are mostly in her early youth.

Angel is a lesbian and in okay or good settings falls for Gaige. Jack is very not okay with his daughter dating an openly Anarchist Anti-Cooperate Terrorist who has built death machines. They met online and spend nearly every night having hour long conversations. Gaige makes her feel more normal and nonbroken than anything else in her life ever has.

Random:

Tiny Tina is trans. I read this in a fic and it’s just canon now.

Zer0 is a nonbinary cyborg. They have had most of their body replaced and generally don’t want to be human, so they took matters into hand to make that happen. They feel kinship for Rhys because of this and are growing fond of the awkward man and proud of his bravery foolishness for going into battle despite having no skill. Zer0 and Tim fight well side by side but they do NOT get along outside of combat.

Nisha is aromantic and pansexual and only doms. Her whip very much is used in the bedroom. She and Jack are always off again on again.

Maya is aro/ace and a total badass.

Sasha and Rhys date for a while but end it mutually finding they fit better as friends than lovers.

Gaige helps Rhys make his new cybernetics and he has to argue with her to not install more than one weapon in the new arm or lasers in his eye.

Wilhelm was always going to die of Bone Waste and the surgeries and cybernetics were just delaying the inevitable. Jack set him up to die, but it was willingly on Wil’s part because he didn’t want to die in a hospital but in a huge and epic fight that would be the stuff of legends. 

Vaughn is aromantic and sex nonpulsed and he and Rhys are platonic bros for life. Rhys is 100% okay with this and anyone else in his life has to accept his deep love for his bro.

(I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot, but this is long enough for now, oops)

[macdennisofficial]

Why I Think Dennis Needs To Return

Look, I realize that Dennis coming back is dependent on whether Glenn decides/is able to return while doing a TV show on a completely different network. I completely understand and agree that his life is his and he has every right to go forward with it in whichever way he feels is best for his own personal enjoyment and all that. I hope he is successful in his endeavor and I am in no way angry with him because of this. That being said, I feel like the show needs Dennis (as it needs each member of the Gang) and I’m not sure I will enjoy it without Glenn in the cast. Furthermore, the way Dennis’ Double Life had him exit, if he does indeed stay gone, just isn’t right. I’ve said before that my enjoyment of the episode rests on if he comes back; if he doesn’t, it’s not funny and it’s not particularly well written. I understand that this “meta” isn’t going to affect Glenn’s choice, but this is why I’m hoping he can (and wants) to return.

Everyone has mentioned that Dennis’ emotions were explored in the last season quite well, and this is true, but we can’t ignore the growth his experienced for the entirety of the show, nor his terribly negative traits (of which there are many) which I feel, having him leave in the way he did, is asking us to do. Yeah, his “fatherly” moment with Abby was cute in The Gang Goes to the Waterpark . . . but it’s only cute within the context of the show, and within the context of him (and the Gang) being a shitty human being. Let’s get real here: the Gang isn’t what made Dennis horrible, and he’s not what made the Gang horrible. They work well together and found each other because their specific toxicity worked when in a group. Removing him from the group won’t make them better, nor will it make him a good person or a good father. With Abby, it was only cute because he was helping to refine her shitty behaviour. He taught her how to manipulate and steal, all while the rest of the Gang were scheming in their own ways of manipulating and steal. That is why it is cute; removed from reality, injected into the dynamic of these horrible people, taching a young girl to be a con artist is cute. With regular, normal people? That’s terrible! That’s shitty. At best, that is what we can expect from Dennis as a father; teaching Brian Jr (I guess he’s not really a junior, though, is he?) to rob people blind, manipulate everyone around him, and that’s if Mandy is okay with that. That’s if we suspend our disbelief enough to think a normal human woman would accept that sort of “fathering” into her life . . . and if she is okay with it, she’s crappy too, and he’s just trading one crappy life for another. At worst? Dennis loses his temper and shouts and rages and continues his antics without the Gang. It’s unrealistic to think he’s going to change. Even with taking his medication and this season, he was still very much Dennis Reynolds, and not the kind of man who should be a father, nor the kind of man who could have a normal relationship with Mandy. Speaking of, we have seen what Dennis, without the Gang’s influence (in fact, at their horror, to be honest) does to women. Nearly every person who has come into contact with the Gang (Carmen excluded) has ended up with their lives ruined. Dennis is a schemer; he is a womanizer. Part of the reason why people say that “macdennis couldn’t happen” is because he’s afraid of commitment, he’s lusty around women, and is a horrible asshole. He lies, he cheats, he steals, he can be emotionally unstable. (The Gang also shares these treats, and to say otherwise is just completely incorrect.) However, I argue the opposite; that is why the people within the Gang can only be with other people within the Gang, because only they will truly be okay with that behaviour and they all deserve each other. They’re all terrible people. Even if one were to disagree, though, and that Mac “deserves better” then why the hell wouldn’t Mandy? Unlike Mac, Mandy isn’t part of the Gang, and is a normal woman. She isn’t homophobic (we saw that with how she was totally fine with Brian having two dads) and she isn’t stupid (she saw right through all their schemes) and she wants what’s best for her son (she wanted him to have a father figure, but not if the father didn’t want to be a part of his life). Guys, it is entirely unrealistic she would put up with any of his behaviour as a father, and it’s unrealistic to expect that he is going to change. Up until the moment he held Brian, he was fully committed to scheming, lying, manipulating, and treating people like shit. Even with his medication, he still was misogynistic, manipulative, and host of other terrible things this season. If someone is against “macdennis” because Dennis is a shitty person, but okay with him going off with Many, I have a hard time seeing how that isn’t tied into the fact it’s male/male ship vs a male/female one.  Furthermore, we can’t ignore his relationship with the Gang. What about the Dennis who became distraught and clingy at the concept of a “successful” Dee leaving him behind? He was inconsolable. When faced with death, the person he said; “I love you,” to was her, and when she scoffed and dismissed him, he was depressed and ready to die. They’re twins; they’ve been with each other, brother and sister, their entire lives. They've confided in each other, schemed together, and . . . he’s just gonna drop that? After what, a few minutes contemplation? Charlie, who he’s taken under his wing, and he’s psychoanalyzed for years? He once had a mini-battle with Mac about who was Charlie’s best friend. What about Mac? For as clingy as he is with Dee, he’s worse without Mac. In Mac and Dennis Break Up, he was the one who couldn’t thrive. He couldn’t even peel his own damn apples. Say what you want, but outside of Dee, Mac is the one he’s closest with - perhaps even closer. They lived together as roommates for over a decade. The masturbate together. They scheme together. And I don’t care who says otherwise, he absolutely loved him. Are we to believe the man who serenaded Mac with The Wind Beneath My Wings (at the expense of a soldier) and attempted to seduce him with Chicago in Flowers For Charlie and was emotional to the point of near tears when Mac bought him an RPG just doesn’t care, at all, about him? Even if one were to completely ignore the romantic aspect of macdennis, and were to completely see it platonically, they’ve been best friends for more than twenty years, and . . . that just doesn’t matter anymore because he held a baby for five seconds? See, that’s what I’m having a difficult time believing. That everyone that’s been happening since season one - the scheming, the rage, the misogyny and rapeyness and phobic behaviour and every aspect of Dennis that makes him incapable of having a decent relationship, or even connection, to anyone outside of the Gang a very bad idea (including this season, one where he was on his meds and arguably at his best behaviour) and all the deep, clingy, co-dependent relationships he’s built with the people who are just as terrible as he is, suddenly . . . isn’t going to be an issue anymore? Because he held a baby for five seconds? If Dennis doesn’t return, that’s what Dennis’ Double Life is asking of us: to believe that all of that is no longer an issue. That he is going to be able to be a semi-normal, albeit neurodivergent, man capable of raising a child in a healthy manner? Even if he doesn’t start a relationship with Mandy and is just in North Dakota for Brian’s sake, we have to believe he’s going to get a job and help rear a child and start a new life with a new group of friends and . . . not be Dennis Reynolds? And if he does end up being himself, Mandy will be okay with that? And if she isn’t okay with it, and he still sucks, he’s just going to be in North Dakota . . . without Brian and Mandy and . . . what? That he’s going to cut the people out of his life that’s been there with him for over twenty years and it’s not gonna affect him? Dennis has always been a crucial part of the Gang, and he’s always been the exacerbater of their worst traits; the schemer, that planner, and the one that leaps up on tables and gives amazing speeches to rouse them into action. Without him, they’ll still be shitty, but there will be a chunk of hilarity missing. If he returns, then all of that shit? Fixed. Dennis’ Double Life is hilarious. It’s like The Gang Misses the Boat, and the show is funny again. It makes sense again. In The Gang Goes to Hell pt 2, their ordeal ended with; “Let’s go be part of the Gang,” and they all held hands under water, awaiting death. Despite all the shit they’ve done and been through, that is the heart of the show; them being together. That’s how it should be until it ends, too.