#it’s nice being able to understand exactly what someone’s saying without any difficulty

[death-himself]

qsmp is my first time watching anything with FitMC, does he just have permanent narrator voice

Fit has the most clear understandable voice I’ve ever heard it throws me off every time he speaks

[howggswouldreact]

📏 The Only Tall Maknae | Wonyoung

Request: hii can i request an izone wonyoung jealous cuddles scenario with shorter fem!reader? thank uu Plot: Wonyong and the small idol Fem!Reader are in a relationship. During MAMA, Wonyoung gets jealous of her girlfriend. Words: 2,661 Genre: fluff Notes: tried to write it in a way that was closer to the thoughtless attitude of teenagers inexperienced in having a relationship as idols. there are spaces for prequels or part two, maybe. if you want, send me a plot and i will write more from this universe! hope you like it! have a nice week!

Wonyoung was happy to be at MAMA again. What made her even happier, in addition to performing and receiving all the love from Wizones, was that you were there, with her. Not exactly with her, since the location of the tables was made so that her group and yours were somewhat distant, but you both were there, giving sneaky glances at each other and dancing excitedly during more animated performances by groups you liked. You had to control yourselves, trying to be discreet, even though almost all the idols in your circle of friends already knew your closeness was something more. There were cameras there and they weren't kind at all.

You met through friends and have been dating for almost a year. Staying with her took away all your tiredness, reinvigorated your energies and left you with a happiness never felt before. She was the most beautiful and adorable girl in the world. And you were lucky to be her girlfriend. Very lucky.

Your group had made the second comeback in a year and, for the first time, your schedules were proximate. You were doing your best and she was doing her best, and you were able to meet in the meantime.

You just didn't expect to be nominated for Best New Female Artist, but Wonyoung was rooting for you, and when it came time to announce the winning group, you focused on her again and sighed.

"You are just a silly in love.", Soojin's voice sounded low in your ear, clearly mocking your "heart eyes" towards Wonyoung.

You felt your cheeks getting hot. The pros and cons of being a maknae... even though you were spoiled in many moments, your group really liked to make jokes about how you lost the bossy pose when you were with your girlfriend. And also the difference between your height and hers. It was extremely evident! But you loved it, after all, you could hide your face on her neck while you hugged.

"I'm not silly!", you said, smiling.

You turned your face to the stage, where the MC's were about to read the name of the award-winning female group.

Your eyes met Wonyoung's for a moment, looking for strength in case your group didn't win, and you gave her a bigger smile, getting back the most beautiful smile in the world.

Until they announced the name of your group.

There was a round of applause and you were a little lost, in shock, looking at your group mates for answers. Did you imagine things or did you really win? Your expression was so shocked that, at the same time, several fans were already turning into a meme on the social media. Feeling goosebumps come and go through your entire body and a light tug from Soeun on your arm, you got up and went from your table to the stage.

After that, everything went very fast. The leader, Soojin, said gratitude words to the fans, the staffs, everyone who supported the group, promises to continue working hard to deliver a good message through music, etc...

Wonyoung was very proud of you and, as your group came down from the stage and went to a part on the side of it for pictures, Yujin made a joke that she couldn't understand, but it was about the two of you. She looked at Eunbi as if she was seeking approval to come to you, but Eunbi was in a conversation with Nako about the award.

"It was pretty obvious that they were going to win, they are the best!", Yena exclaimed, when a new presentation started.

"You guys make a couple of very powerful maknaes, despite the height difference!", Chaewon whispered, from Wonyoung's left side, making her smile.

A few minutes went by and Wonyoung wanted to be able to go directly to you to congratulate you, even if not in the warm way she would do backstage, with a very tight hug and soft kisses on your lips, calling you "my love". Looking for you at your table, Wonyoung frowned. Your whole group was there, even the prize was there with them, but where were you? Were you at the bathroom?

"Where...", Wonyoung's question died in it's beginning. A few tables on the left, there were you. Holding another girl's hands. And that was enough for Wonyoung to feel her cheeks flush with jealousy and her heart sinking into her chest.

"I can't wait to take several selfies with it! It's so beautiful!", whispered Yein beside you, thinking about the award that was in Soojin's hands.

You nodded as you went up the stairs, until you felt a hand on your shoulder. Turning aroung, shoulders and a smile that formed an enlarged heart were the first things that took over your vision, indicating that the person who called you was tall. You focused your gaze on the face, raising your head, and realized that the owner of the smile was Yeeun, as known as J, a member of StayC. And your friend and classmate.

"Hey!", she greeted you, still smiling, and held your hands. "You rocked up there! I only got time to listen to your group's album yesterday, but it's really good! Congratulations on the award!"

"Oh, thank you so much!", you came a little closer to her to allow the girls to go up the narrow stairs. "I'm in love with your album too. ASAP always manages to make me very happy, even on days when my mood is not... good."

You were not praising each other for no reason, you had known each other long enough to not need formal praises.

"I know how hard you and your group worked for it and it was really deserved.", she had a caring glow in her eyes. "I know I haven't been on this idol journey for a long time but if you need anything, I'm here. I know there may be some difficulties but we will get through them together!"

"You can count on me too, Yeeun. This is not easy at all, but we are managing to achieve our dream almost together! Can you believe it?", you said, smiling excitedly.

Until you felt the lighting of the place get a little darker.

Yeeun's eyes landed on a spot above your head. You turned around to see the reason why there was a shadow on you, and there she was. Your girlfriend.

Yeeun greeted Wonyoung, bowing, while she was standing there, beautiful and in that black outfit full of sparkles that left you mesmerized since the beginning of her presentation.

"Hello, bab-sun-babe-nim!", you stuttered, impacted by the beauty of your girlfriend.

Almost calling her "babe", you tried to fix it by calling her (actually trying to call her) sunbaenim. Even though Yeeun knew about your relationship (you had already told her since you were friends), you didn't want any strangers to know. And that place was full of cameras and ears everywhere. It was risky. But your correction to the soft nickname you used to call her only made Wonyoung raise an eyebrow. There was something in her eyes and you knew it wasn't because of the makeup.

Yeeun greeted her and Wonyoung used a polite education towards the girl of almost the same height, differentiating by a few centimeters almost imperceptible, but that, with you between them, made you look much younger than them, even though the three of us had almost the same age.

Wonyoung praised StayC's performance and Yeeun thanked her before saying bye to you both and heading to the table where her group was at.

You raised your hand to Wonyoung's but the tall girl crossed her arms.

"Hey, what's up?", you asked.

"Nothing.", her tone was harsh and you felt a small pain your in your chest, but she had a smile on her face. A fake smile. "I wanted to be the first to congratulate you, but someone has already done that.", The smile was still on her face, for the cameras, but the tone of voice was still kinda rude towards you. "I can't even hold your hands without hear you saying that some people might be surprised by it, but apparently it's just with me. But, congratulations on the award, Y/N. It was well deserved. The girls and I congratulate your group.", she turned and started walking in towards Izone's table.

"Hey, what's up, Wonnie?", you asked, hurrying to catch up with her, but keeping an expression of false happiness on your face.

"Nothing.", her tone of voice cut into your heart, she hadn't even bothered to turn around.

"Hey, you know I can't keep up with your stride, that's not fair."

She stopped on the stairs, in the corridor that led to where her group's table was, turning to you and you almost ran into her, taking a few steps back.

"Just don't!", her gaze on you was as hard as her voice, but the smile was wide open on her face, it was petrified there.

You stopped as you watched your girlfriend move on without looking back.

"I can really do whatever tomorrow morning, I don't care, I just need to get this sorted out as soon as possible."

"I just think it's too late for you to go there...", Soojin had some concern in her voice.

"Have you texted her yet?", Jiyoon asked, stretched out on the living room floor.

"Several times and she doesn't answer nor even reply my texts since yesterday.", you paced back and forth in front of the television.

"If you keep walking like this, we'll find petroleum," said Soeun.

You sat on the floor next to Jiyoon.

"None of the girls answer you?", asked Seojeong, stretching.

"Hyewon replied that she is in a bad mood and locked herself in the room after dinner."

"What did you do, huh?", Yein asked.

"I don't know!", you almost shout, hiding your face in your hands.

"Oh, go on then because one in a bad mood is one thing but two in bad mood in different groups is a punishment! Go, go!", Soojin pulled you by the arm to get up and started pushing you towards the door .

"But what about the manager..."

"We'll find a way to cover you up, don't worry!", Seojeong said and Soojin closed the door.

You went down the stairs, calling an uber.

"Do you know how late it is?", asked Hyewon, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"I know you don't usually sleep early, Hyewon. But it's a life-and-death situation!", you replied while removing your shoes in the lobby, only your socks on your feet.

"Death for whom? Only if it is for us, right? The sour mood she was in... I asked if she wanted salad and she almost killed me with her eyes!", with a tone of indignation, Sakura started to speak. "What did you do, huh?"

"I don't know!", you were about to cry. "Can I go and talk to her?"

The two girls nodded and you crossed the room to the hall like a bullet. When you opened the door, the room was dark and you already knew the way to Wonyoung's bed because you visited her sometimes. But instead of lying down, you knelt beside the bed, even in the dark, and whispered her name. You wanted to hold her hand but you were afraid. If she was upset with you, she probably wouldn't want you even there.

"Wonyoung?", you called again, this time in a louder tone.

"I can't believe you came here even after I treated you like that."

You didn't understand what the phrase meant.

"Can I lie down?", you asked, receiving in response Wonyoung moving her body to give you some space.

You embraced her in a hug, hoping she wouldn't reject it, even with her back to you. Again, her answer did not come in words. She held your arm around her.

"What did I do? Tell me so I won't repeat it.", your face was on her back.

"I'm feeling ashamed."

"Of me?"

"No! Of you??? Never! I'm ashamed of myself. I can't even look at you...", she confessed.

You were still confused, but you hugged her tighter. You wanted her to feel you there.

"You don't have to. You didn't do anything wrong, Wonnie..."

You heard a loudest sigh and she turned to you, resting her hand on your neck and touching your foreheads.

"I... I was an idiot. You, your group, had just won one of the most important awards of the night! I myself know how it feels to win it, I know how rewarding it is and... at the moment I-I didn't support you because I was... jealous.", you knew you shouldn't interrupt her, she was venting out. "I wish I could've hugged you and praised you... I feel so proud of you and everyting that you have achieved... but I saw you with that girl and she was holding your hands and she was smiling with such affection, I don't know what I was feeling other than jealousy.", her voice showed a little bit of anger and fragility but she kept her hand on your neck, caressing it. "I was wondering if she was special enough to show affection like that in front of so many cameras... if you liked tall maknaes and...", at that moment you laughed. "Hey, don't laugh! This is not funny at all!", she slapped you lightly on the shoulder.

"No, babe, what's funny is that you think I could have eyes for anyone but you."

"Yeah, you go ahead and think it's funny! And if it were me with, I don't know, a short maknae like you, holding her hands, wouldn't you be jealous when you saw it from a distance, without having an idea of ​​what's going on? Would it be funny?"

"Yah! I get it! Don't even make me think of you with someone else.", you took her wrist and stroked it. "Yeeun is just a friend from school and she was congratulating me. There was nothing else. There would never be. She knows about us and gives the greatest support! I just didn't get to introduce you decently because there is never enough time. I want you to see that you don't have to feel jealous because you are the only tall maknae I love. I love you. "

"I'm sorry for ruining everything and making you come here almost at the dawn. You shouldn't have come so late!", she pulled you into a tight hug. "But at the same time I'm so glad and relieved you came.", she whispered that last sentence.

"I would come at anytime.", you whispered back, kissing her cheek.

"It's too late for you to leave. What are you going to do? We can arrange everything for you to stay.", you were going to talk but Wonyoung wouldn't let you. "We can really work it out, make up a very good lie for the managers, take you back to the dorm quickly tomorrow very early. I imagine you have a lot of commitments now that you've won the award but... it's so late... and I want you to stay with me."

"Okay, I'll stay.", you replied, without thinking. "But I need some clothes to sleep."

"Okay, you can borrow Nako's pajamas."

"Hey!"

"I'm kidding!", Wonyoung laughed. "You can borrow one of mine. It'll be huge on you, but you look beautiful anyway."

Embarrassed, you hid your face on her neck and felt her presence for a while, a warm embrace full of a young love that was blooming beautifully. The next day, you would have to deal with your manager scolding you a lot, knowing he would be right, but for now, you would enjoy your time with Wonyoung. Whatever happened next, it wouldn't matter. What mattered now was to be with the only tall maknae that you loved with all your heart.

[buckyownsmylife]

daddy issues - chapter iii

The one where Ransom doesn’t feel ready to become a father, but he should have thought about it before sleeping with a complete stranger.

When Ransom’s latest one night stand lets him know that he’s going to become a father, he finds himself looking for the qualities he never believed to have so he can become the parent he never got to witness as a child.

for general warnings and author’s notes, please go to the fic’s masterlist. It’s being constantly updated

       Leaving work later that day, Ransom was submerged in his own thoughts in a way he hadn’t been ever since he was a teen. Of course, his family - with the exception of his grandfather - thought he didn’t have much in his head, but the truth was that sometimes, he felt like he had too much. So, in an effort not to lose his mind, he decided to let it all go just before he turned fifteen. Everything. Every preoccupation, his mother’s expectations, his fear of never being good enough.        That had served him well up until a couple of months ago. Sure, it meant that he’d created quite a reputation for himself and he’d been involved in one too many drunk endeavors he would have preferred not to be associated with, but at least he had something to share, stories to tell. That would ultimately be extremely beneficial to him if he ever did decide to take his grandfather’s advice and write a book.        But then came the news that Harlan would cut him out of the will if he didn’t get his act together, along with the proposal that he should take over the publishing company, since his uncle was being reallocated to another family business, and he thought to himself, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the time to settle back and become what he’d dreaded so much. Maybe it’s time for him to forget about fun and amusement and discover what exactly was so great about maturing.        So he accepted the job and tried to focus on what he was supposed to be doing. Who he was supposed to be. It seemed like the right thing to do after he’d spent so long trying to run from any sort of difficulty in life. It seemed like he owed his grandfather at least that. But over the next few months, it became increasingly difficult to fulfill his duties without seriously reconsidering everything he had been before and everything he had tried to avoid thinking about, which had lead to his admittedly stupid impulsive behavior.        Ransom was in his late thirties now, and he was only starting to realize just how messed up he was. And that meant that the last thing he thought himself capable of becoming right now was a father.        Actually, Ransom had never even considered the possibility of ever becoming one. I mean, he liked the part that came before, very much in fact, but despite his playboy ways, he’d always been very careful about using a condom, especially since he didn’t want to deal with precisely the type of problem he was going through right now. But of course, even he knew that condoms failed and with his luck (and the amount of sexual partner he’d had) it was only a matter of time until it happened.        Fuck. What the hell was he going to do? It’s not like he even had a proper parental figure to learn from, considering his father was an even lousier son-of-a-bitch than him and his mother was a controlling freak. What was he going to do?        Ransom was startled when he realized he was nowhere near his house when he’d finally been able to snap out from his thoughts. In fact, his feet had taken him in the opposite direction, and he found himself easily following the familiar path to his grandfather’s house.        Just as the castle-like mansion appeared in front of him, he sighed, looking up at the window of Harlan’s office. It seemed like he was awake. He wondered what his grandfather would have to say about this situation. Harlan managed to be even more unpredictable than Ransom most times.       Still, Ransom knew that if there was ever someone who was capable of giving him any advice he’d actually follow, it was him.       Harlan, of course, knew something was up the second Ransom stepped foot in his room. He’d always been the one person capable of reading his grandson, and that meant he was probably the only one who actually somewhat understood him.       “Well, Ransom, it’s very nice of you to come and visit me when there’s no family dinner forcing you to, but care to share what actually made you drive all the way here? I know it has nothing to do with the company, otherwise, I would have already heard about it from one of the managers.”       Ransom couldn’t really be surprised about Harlan and his knowledge of him, so he settled for some feeling kind of comfort at knowing at least someone in this world could see right through him and actually cared enough to ask about his problems.       “I… I got someone pregnant.” The words came out weirdly easily, and it felt like some of the weight that’d been placed on him had now disappeared. He raised his eyes to meet Harlan’s, after his grandfather didn’t offer any immediate reaction, and the anticipation made him grow irritated again.       He really should learn other automatic responses.       “Aren’t you going to say anything?” Harlan took a deep breath before answering, a tiny smile playing on his lips.       “What are you expecting me to say? Congratulations or I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner?” The young man rolled his eyes, impulsively getting up from his seat to pace around the room. His mind was failing him, he couldn’t hold on to a single thought for more than a millisecond. He’d come all the way here in the hopes that Harlan would know what to do, the right thing to say to shed some light on the mess that was his mind, but he should have known better. That was not how his grandfather worked.      But his grandfather knew how *he worked. So he patiently waited, watching with piercing attention as Ransom tried to get a grip over his thoughts. He knew his grandson would need time, but he would voice his concerns sooner or later. And then, he’d be able to actually help, once he determined what precisely was Ransom’s problem with the entire situation.        “I’m not father material,” the young man suddenly blurted out, running his fingers through his hair and inadvertently messing his usually impeccable styling. Harlan smiled to himself, knowing only a year before this would never happen, not without his grandson suddenly leaping towards the nearest reflective surface just to adjust his hair. He’d changed so much already, but he still was overcome by doubts. “I don’t think… I think the baby would be better off not knowing me.”        And there it was. That overwhelming sense of insecurity was the reason for Ransom being the way he was. No matter how hard he tried to run away from it, pretend it wasn’t there, Harlan knew his grandson too well. And now that he was starting to change his life, facing his biggest problem was going to happen sooner or later. Since there was a baby in question, thank God it was sooner rather than later.        “My boy, I understand why you would think that. It’s not like you have had great parental examples to guide you in such a journey, and I even accept my part of the blame in that. But I think you have the wrong idea of what being a parent truly is like. No matter how it may seem to our kids, no single adult suddenly is struck by the obvious guidelines of how to be a perfect parent. We figure out as we go, and we make mistakes along the way. A lot of them. So I think the question that really matters here is… do *you want to be around to witness your child grow? Or would you be okay never really knowing what became of him or her?”        Harlan braced himself for the answer, knowing it would deeply affect him one way or another, but also aware that he couldn’t let Ransom see what his reaction would be like. It would only make the younger man angry. It was important for him to think he was the only one in charge of his decisions, and the only one affected by them.         When it became clear that Ransom was too lost in his own mind to come out with an answer just yet, his grandfather pressed on. “Look, Ransom, parenting is a skill, just like writing. Some people are born naturally talented, others have to rise to the occasion. You just have to figure out if you’re up for the challenge, because if you aren’t… I think it’d be best if you let them be.”        A few more seconds of heavy silence where Ransom still wouldn’t meet his eyes passed, and Harlan decided to ask, “Tell me, is *she ‘mother material’?” His grandson took a deep breath, once more running his fingers through his hair before admitting, “I don’t know. I barely know her at all. But she’s a professor. Of law, out of anything. And she seemed… good. Better than me, at least, and that’s a relief.”        The older man couldn’t help but laugh at how Ransom’s sense of humor tended to show its face in the weirdest of situations. He knew what his grandson should do, that he’d regret not giving this a try, but he also knew no good could come from trying to force Ransom into doing something when he wasn’t ready for or didn’t want to do it. So all he could do was wait, and hope the younger man would find the right answer by himself.       “I think I know what I want to do.”       Harlan couldn’t help but notice the sparkle in Ransom’s eye as he left the house without even remembering to say goodbye.

[yesttoheaven]

I SEE YOU – chapter III

pairing – arthur fleck x female!reader

wc – 2.6k

warnings – just fluff and a little bit of angst

English is not my first language. I am getting help from google translator and he is not always a good ally, so I apologize for any typos or grammar errors.

Y/N – your name

Y/L/N – your last name

🔴 chapter one. chapter two. chapter three.

The actress looked around, enjoying the apartment where Arthur lived with his mother. The place was small, very different from what she was used to, but this simplicity was nostalgic and reminded her of her childhood; when everything seemed simple, despite the difficulties.

Unfortunately Arthur was still at work, but Penny assured her that he would be back soon and added that Y/N could wait for him. At first Brian didn't approve of this idea, considering that the actress was going to an important dinner tonight, but he should know that it’s impossible to say no to her puppy eyes. Now Brian is probably driving to Misty's house, ready to take her to Y/N's apartment, exactly as they agreed the day before. The only difference would be the absence of the actress, but this would be justified with: "She's at Angelina's." Although the plan was apparently perfect, leaving her alone with practically unknown people was worrisome. Y/N's safety was his responsibility. If something happened to her, Brian would never forgive himself, but she stated with all the letters that she would stay inside the apartment, waiting for him with Arthur and Penny. And they were not bad people.

Y/N didn't like to involve Brian in this web of lies, but Misty knew how to be stifling when she wanted to. Visiting Arthur was not illegal, but she didn't see it that way. In her conception, to be friends with Y/N Y/N/L you need to have a bank account with many zeros after the comma.

Placing her manager at the bottom of her thoughts, Y/N's eyes fell on the small table next to the couch she was on. A few magazines were spread out and a shy smile crossed her lips. She would probably never get used to it.

Noticing the young woman's interest in magazines, Penny said:

"This actress is so graceful."

"You think? I hear only bad things about her." Y/N replied, taking one of the magazines and placing it next to her face, reproducing the cover.

When the realization reached Arthur's mother, she looked at Y/N with wide eyes, thinking it was a mirage caused by the effects of the medicines she used daily. When she opened the door and found the woman on the other side, Penny didn't imagine that Y/N was Y/N Y/L/N, the same woman who is in all these magazines.

"That was my first cover... six years have passed and I'm still nervous on camera." The actress smiled, leaving the magazine with the other copies.

"You need to excuse me, I'm too old for that... I watch your movies with my son and I was unable to recognize you."

"It's all right, these photos are usually a little bit manipulated. Maybe that's why you didn't recognize me."

The conversation continued pleasantly between them. Penny Fleck didn't feel like she was talking to one of Gotham's biggest actresses; Y/N seemed to be just a nice neighbor, the one who always shows up for a visit at the end of the day. They only knew each other for a few minutes, but it didn't matter, Penny was comfortable, sharing with her a little bit of his life with Arthur, or Happy as she used to call her son. The actress considered this point intriguing, because when she met Arthur, sadness was the only thing that existed on his face like a second skin, but maybe she was just impressed.

...

Every day was exactly the same for Arthur. He went to work, spent the day spinning his sign in front of a store or visited sick children in hospitals – this was his favorite; Carnival loved to bring joy to them. The time to return home represented some relief for the clown. This meant that his co-workers would have to wait for the next day to continue making fun of him. Arthur would always be a joke for everyone.

Tired for another exhausting day at work – or just being who he is – all Arthur wanted at that moment was to relax by smoking a cigarette. Dragging himself out of the elevator, he made his way to his old apartment and took the keys out of his pocket to open the door. He warned that he was back, but his mother did not respond. Arthur suspected she was asleep, but as soon as he put his feet in the living room, his body froze.

The likelihood of them seeing each other again was one in a million, but here she was, surprising him once again. There was no plausible explanation for what he was feeling at the moment. Accelerated heart. Sweaty palms. And the most sincere smile of his entire life. Arthur was genuinely happy. Seeing the actress again was enough to erase all his problems. Y/N was like a breath of fresh air to his lungs. There was something about her, something that you notice from a long distance, but that Arthur can't put into words.

"Happy, your friend was waiting for you." Penny broke the silence, bringing them to reality again.

With a smile, Y/N stood up, running her hands over the dress she wore. She approached the man and greeted him in her soft voice:

"Hi, Arthur. How've you been?" Surprised by her own courage, she touched his shoulder and left a kiss on his cheek.

Arthur felt his cheeks turn into two tomatoes and he automatically looked at the ground, hiding a shy smile in the corner of his lips. But knowing that she was waiting for an answer, he took a deep breath, looking at her again and saying:

"Hey, I'm... I'm good. How about you?"

"I couldn’t be better. I hope I'm not bothering you, your mom said I could stay to wait for you."

"Don't say that, you never bother, dear! Now I'm going to leave you two alone so you can talk." The woman tried to get up and Arthur quickly moved to stand beside her, helping Penny back to the bedroom.

It was easy to see how much he loves his mother.

A few minutes later, Arthur was back in the living room, looking a little nervous about the situation. It was possible to state that the actress felt the same way, remembering the reason that brought her to the other side of the city. She didn't want to say anything in front of Penny, but now she could and the words were stuck in her throat.

"I don't know where to start... I'm so sorry for the way you were treated. They couldn't have done that to you, Arthur."

"How d-did you know?"

"Brian talked to the receptionist..." She said, biting her lower lip in an attempt to control herself, but that was not enough. "I'm so mad at Susan! Who does she think she is to treat you that way?"

"Don't be m-mad at her because of me... It's okay, I'm used to it." Arthur replied, trying to reassure the actress. The last thing he wanted to do was be responsible for erasing her smile, but his words made Y/N even more concerned.

"What are you saying?"

"My life is... different from yours." He murmured, shaking his shoulders as if it didn't matter, but the sad expression on his face showed just the opposite. "I d-don't want to bother you with my stupid problems. This is not worth your time."

"But I have all the time in the world to hear you. Please tell me..." Y/N insisted, still trying to understand what he meant by 'I'm used to it'.

Susan had compared Arthur to a criminal; someone dangerous. She judged him by his appearance. His actions. His somewhat confused way of speaking. No. This is not normal. This is not something that Arthur should just 'get used to'.

"C-Can I get you something to drink?" He asked, shifting the focus of the conversation in the blink of an eye. Just a few more words and he could feel the laughter in the back of his throat, begging to leave. And that was not what he wanted.

"But..." The actress tried again, but acknowledged it was time to stop. She showed one of her beautiful smiles and that was enough to warm the man's heart. "Water, please."

Following Arthur into the kitchen, she stood by the door, watching him. Arthur was not a bad person – and he wasn't a criminal either, as Susan thought. Y/N just wanted to have the opportunity to get to know him better. It was as if the man still has his face paint on; as if he were still Carnival and she desperately wanted to meet the man hiding behind the paint, but Y/N understood that invading his space was not the best way to achieve this.

"Oh, thanks!" She thanked him, holding the cup and drinking, as they walked back to the living room. Pointing to the magazines, she fired: "These magazines are old... Are you a collector or something?"

"Not exactly... It was a few months ago, this guy was throwing the magazines in the trash because nobody wanted to buy, but he sold it to me for half the price..." Arthur's eyes widened when he realized what he had said. He scratched the back of his neck, completely embarrassed, but the actress just started laughing.

"It's okay, Arthur. I like your sincerity." She added, finding the situation funny. "But tell me, what is your favorite?"

The man pointed to the third magazine without thinking twice. Unlike the others, this cover was focused only on Y/N's angelic face. She was holding a white rose; the petals of the flower touching her lips painted in bright red.

"You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life." He thought aloud, making her blush with his sincere words.

Y/N was constantly praised. Men and women. Different ages. Nationalities. Some were adorable, others completely depraved, but no one was able to make her feel what she was feeling right now.

Arthur was surprised at himself. This trust was not constant in his life, but close to her, it was as if he wanted to try. It was easy, because he was just telling the truth. Her smile was beautiful.

"So... what is this?" After a few minutes of silence, she asked, pointing again at the small table in the center of the living room.

"Oh, this is my journal!" The man picked up his journal and sat down next to her on the couch. "My therapist forced me to have one. I write my thoughts, some new jokes and other things..."

"I love jokes, but I need to confess that clowns are not my point."

"Don't you like clowns?" Arthur was not angry with her, in fact he thought it was funny. "How is this possible?"

"Don't judge me! It's nothing personal... I don't hate them completely, i just get a little nervous." Y/N started to laugh, being accompanied by him. When the laughter stopped, she said: "Now the million dollar question... What did you think of 'Midnight Seduction'? But you need to promise me that you will be honest with your criticism, right?"

The man shook his head in agreement.

"So I can start by saying that the ending was not as I expected, she died..." Arthur knew it was just a fictional death, but Y/N's flawless performance took that scene to another level. He was paralyzed by her talent. Y/N was definitely born to shine. Her filmography was rich.

"My Diana..." The actress spoke fondly about the character, remembering the day she read the script for the first time. Nobody was expecting this. "I like to imagine that she had a second chance. No prostitution. No drugs. Without HIV. And with someone by your side to love."

"This is a good ending, I like it... Rosalind was the only person who cared about her."

"Oh, did you notice?" Y/N asked, leaving the glass of water on the table. "I mentioned this in an interview, but the next day everyone was distorting my words!"

"It's just... love. What's wrong with that?"

"Unfortunately some people will never understand what love is."

Looking at Y/N and Arthur, it was possible to see that they were opposite poles. Their lives were completely different, but it was intriguing how they always found a connection. Time passed quickly, but they were still involved in a long conversation. Y/N loved to hear the man tell about his work as a clown – obviously he didn't mention the bad side. The actress told about NGOs, some trips around the globe and the preparation to play her characters. Each character was a new challenge and Arthur found it fascinating that she lived several lives in just one.

When the conversation followed a delicate path, Y/N considered changing this path, but she gave up and stood up, walking around the living room with a nostalgic smile growing on her lips. Arthur watched a few interviews, but hearing the actress speak directly to him about her childhood in Narrows was different. She lived in a simple house with her mother and brother. The situation was not easy, they did not have much money. Today her mother and brother are living in France, enjoying a wonderful life because of Y/N and her promising career. She missed them. She talked to them on the phone every day, but that was her best decision. Gotham has become a hostile, completely violent city, but it was in the middle of this violent city that her life changed...

"I was working at a restaurant in the downtown when Misty saw me in that hideous uniform..." Y/N couldn't help but laugh. "She said I was too pretty to clean shitty toilets, but cleaning shitty toilets was what puts money on the table at the end of the month... So she said she had an indecent proposal for me. I figured she would offer me a job at a nightclub... I probably would have accepted it. I was desperate to help my family, but she asked if i would like to be famous... A simple answer, "yes" and see how I look six years later. That horrible uniform became the most expensive designer dresses in the world, my mom has a beautiful house and everything she deserves, my little brother is having all the support for his studies and that girl with dreams turned into a famous actress, but..."

Unhappy.

Y/N completed in her mind, she was not strong enough to say that. She was also not ungrateful. Misty turned the girl's life into a fairy tale, but at the same time it took her life. In six years, she never had a break. Her manager was always bringing her a new job. The actress knew this was important for her career, but she didn't have time for anything other than work. She didn't have time to visit her own family. She was stuck.

Arthur heard someone knock on the door, but he kept his eyes on Y/N. The woman was in absolute silence and close to tears. Her smile was gone. She was suffering in front of him and he didn't know what to do to get this pain out of her.

"You should check this out." She murmured and at first he didn't react, but when the person knocked on the door again, Arthur stood up.

The actress took advantage of the moment to compose herself, trying to normalize her breathing, but when she heard that voice, her body just froze. The next minute the redhead appeared in the living room holding her Prada bag and looking at everything with an expression of disgust, but when she saw Y/N, she said:

"Mon cher, why didn't you tell me you wanted to visit your new friend? You know you don't have to lie to me."

--------------------------------------

a/n – likes and reblogs are appreciated but honestly I’d love to know what you all think of this one. really hope you enjoy it and thank you soooo much for reading ♡

[moon-lixie]

there are some encounters that happen at the wrong time but that doesn't mean they're easy to forget.

word count: 1.895k

warnings: mentions of alcohol.

genre: Seungmin x Felix, mild angst, mild fluff.

song: Scaredy Cat - DPR IAN

note: this is a extra scene for my story Mulberry night that you can read here, and that I would recommend reading beforehand to understand better what's going on.

It had something to do with the concerning amount of alcohol he carried on his veins or the mesmerizing beauty he found in the stranger’s orbs, but he had been left stupefied with just one glance at the taller man.

His hair was pushed upwards and to the sides leaving his forehead in full display, his lips had been twisted in a disapproving grimace until he locked eyes with Felix’s lost ones, then he had urged himself to pretend the spilled substance marking the blond’s clumsiness was nothing that could ever manage to upset him.

“I’m so sorry.” Felix felt his confidence wash away at the sight of the very much sober man, suddenly conscious of the small slur of his words and the way his hands didn’t move as fast as he would’ve wished when he reached to try and wipe away at the stain with his own fingertips.

“It’s fine, really,” the stranger told him, fingers circling his wrist in order to stop him from moving further; Felix felt small and lost, then all of a sudden the man smiled at him and every ugly feeling his chest cradled washed away for the time being. “Let’s just take this away from you so it doesn’t happen again.”

He had no idea what was going on but he couldn’t fight the giggle that left his lips when the man reached out and took the half empty glass from his hand with an amused glint on his eyes, just to leave it forgotten on a random table.

“Do you want to dance?” The words stumbled from his lips without previous thought; he was drunk and simply too careless to keep track of everything that tried or ended up coming out of his mouth.

Nevertheless the man in front of him didn’t seem persuaded to leave because of this, he simply nodded and offered a, “I’m not the best at it, but if you’d like,” before allowing Felix to string him along to where the lights shone with much more intensity.

It was hard for him to keep track of what happened after that, he was quickly lost in between the glow of the man’s skin under the hellish lights of the club and the way he would smile tentatively and yet widely for Felix to admire.

Somewhere along the dancing and mindlessly laughing he had slipped his name and soon Seungmin had corresponded with telling him his own, enchanting his tongue to only wanting to pronounce that for the rest of the night.

The only thing he knew for sure was that he had not drank a drop of anything but water ever since Seungmin had slipped himself into his night, and that he had no desire to do it because suddenly his problems didn’t weigh as heavily while he held his hand.

That’s exactly why he hadn’t been able to stop himself from accepting each and every one of the considerate things the other man had offered him, from bottles of water that helped him sober up to a journey to his apartment just to make sure he made it safe home that had suddenly ended up with Seungmin’s back against the wall.

He couldn’t help himself, even if he wasn’t as far gone as he had at the beginning of the night, he still tried to hold dearly onto every single thing that made his heart feel less bruised and right then it was Seungmin’s lips that did the trick.

With hurriedness he held onto the caramel locks of the taller man, kissing him like he had to make every second count, meanwhile all Seungmin did in return was kiss him back slower, decreasing his hurried pace.

Seungmin’s hands held him by his waist with a gentle grip, later leaving his fingers to trace comforting circles right on the skin of his torso; that’s when his heart began aching all over again but for different reasons than what had been bothering him before.

He parted away from the gentle kiss and sighed the heaviest exhale of his entire life, tears threatened to form on his eyes but he bit them back before facing the adorable man whose cheeks were flushed and who looked like he was willing to give him everything in this world if he dared ask, even if he didn’t know him one bit.

The words that left his lips next were a puff of pain seasoned with the right amount of fear. “I can’t do this.” Any hesitation that he was experiencing before was completely ripped off of his body when Seungmin nodded understandingly despite having no idea what was going on.

The universe must like to play with him because how else would he have ended up stumbling with someone like him on a night that he had planned to be his own demise, just like the many others that had come before.

“You seem like a really nice guy that has his crap together,” Felix began, softly laughing pitifully to himself. “I’m everything but what you may be looking for.”

Seungmin looked him in the eye and said nothing but he could see he had not yet convinced him to walk away so he did first, moving away from the warmth his body provided him and simply holding onto him by his hand.

“Seungmin, I am a mess, I go out every night to get drunk just to crawl myself back home and regret everything I did when the morning comes; the worst thing is that I can’t stop.” The sincerity with which he spoke was frightening because those were things he had difficulty accepting to himself and yet the man in front of him was making him pronounce them with ease if that’s what it took to convince him that he was a bad person not worth his time. “I like you but I don’t want you near me, not when I’m like this.”

“I like you too.” That wasn’t the answer Felix was expecting, not at all. “When you bumped against me and I looked up the first thing I thought was that your smile was enthralling and then you laughed and...” Seungmin sighed and allowed his eyes to close for a split second before his pupils made contact with his again, sporting a glimmer that made Felix feel every inch of his body tingling giddily.

“It was unlike me to be there today, my friends are the responsible ones for my presence, but I don’t regret it. When I saw you I couldn’t care less that my shirt was soaked in alcohol nor that you were beyond tipsy, and that too, is unlike me.” His long fingers brushed his hair backwards with a mild amount of distress that was tampered by the almost blissed out smile he sported like it wasn’t a crime against Felix’s heart. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t mind getting to know you, even if you need time and space right now. Felix, you’re one of a kind and letting you go would be stupid, I know as much after spending tonight with you.”

Once again it was his considerate and nice actions that convinced Felix further that he couldn’t do that to him, no matter how much he felt like he wanted to.

“I’m afraid it might take me a lifetime.” With that, the shorter man walked forward to press a peck against Seungmin’s cheek before finally letting go of his hand, this time determined to get inside his apartment and forget about tonight as fast as he could do.

Seungmin laughed, getting the message, and if he was discouraged by it he didn’t let it show. “I have time.”

That took Felix to the present day and his trembling fingers thrumming against his thigh while he waited for the prettiest man in the world to open the door, trying to convince himself that perhaps three months weren’t enough for Seungmin to have forgotten about him.

He brought himself to knock a second time, if only to soothe his nerves; he was beginning to feel like it was a terrible idea and Chan would need to put up with his complains if the door didn’t open soon, or worse, if the door opened to reveal someone who was way over him in the way Felix couldn't.

For the past months the memory of Seungmin had been kept in a corner of his mind for the moments in which he had allowed himself to be happy and especially for all of the times in which he tried to get his life in order.

The image of the tall and good looking man was burned on his lids, appearing every single time he closed his eyes to drift to sleep, that’s why he couldn’t help but feel small surprise bubble in his chest at the sight of the man in front of him, glasses resting on the bridge of his nose and hair slightly messy falling softly around his head.

After taking a deep breath he smiled warmly at the sight and broke into a giggle as he watched the man’s scowl yet again dissolve at the sight of him.

“How?” Was all Seungmin asked at first, allowing his eyes to take in the figure of the smaller man; Felix couldn’t help but wonder if he liked his dark hair, even if he had dyed it a long time ago, Seungmin hadn't seen it before.

“Jisung,” Felix offered as an explanation, referring to the friend that they apparently had in common, not that he knew Jisung that much but any friend of Chan’s was also his. The taller man’s mouth shaped itself in a surprised ‘o’ before he smiled again.

“You said you would need a lifetime,” Seunming said almost as a reproach but there was no real bite to his words.

Felix shook his head amused. “I said, ‘I think’,” he replied matter of factly; he could remember the conversation with an uncanny accuracy. “And you said you had time so I thought...”

Seungmin raised an eyebrow at the pause the older made, perhaps expecting him to continue despite Felix’s obvious unwillingness to do so, and it was when he seemed to catch onto that detail that he took it upon himself to continue the conversation like nothing happened. “I meant everything I said that night, I must confess that I had been waiting to catch a glimpse of your blond hair around the city but I wasn’t that lucky.”

And there it was again, the warmth and happiness he had experienced all those months ago, coming back like they had never left. “Well, I’m here now.”

“Would you like to get coffee with me?”

“Right now?” Seungmin laughed and nodded before saying, “Of course I mean right now, I just need to get ready real quick.”

And like that they left, not before the taller man let him know that he looked so much brighter —and prettier too— than the last time he had seen it, if that was possible; Felix felt the urge to tell him how much that was because of him but decided to keep it for later on along with the explanation of everything that had happened to him that he could give after they got to know each other better.

[trashforhockeyguys]

Don’t Hold Me -7- Carter Hart

A/N: YEEEEDOGGIE we’re back again! Don’t mind the slight technical difficulties. It’s been a LONG DAY. BUT we’re here and it’s back. A lot of things happen in this chapter. It’s a little wild but it’s setting things up for the chapters to come! As always, all preivous parts are linked in my masterlist!

“C’mon!” Your roommate laughed, tugging your arm, “It’s a small party! It’ll be okay!”

“The last time I went to a party, it didn’t end well.”

She sighed and looped her arm through yours. You knew she just didn’t want you to sit in your room all night. Travis and the boys just got back this afternoon, but you were trying to give them space. They had a rough road trip, and you knew they’d all be worn out. 

However, that didn’t mean that you didn’t want to go racing over to see Trav. You’d grown used to having him nearby whenever you needed him. It was nice, you liked knowing you had someone to help you out. 

You missed being near your brother, so Travis naturally filled that void. Plus, Nolan was always around too, and he blanenced out Travis, more than he probably knew. Both of them together made you feel more like yourself that you had in years. 

“Fine, but I’m not drinking, and if it gets too crazy I’m coming back,” You warned her. 

“How about we both be sober tonight?”

You laughed, knowing full well she wouldn’t stay sober all night. But you liked that she was at least trying for your sake. You knew you really shouldn’t have agreed to go with her, but you wanted to have a little bit of fun. You’d been feeling good lately, you’d been getting good grades in all of your classes. You just wanted one night. One night to feel like a semi normal college student. 

“You aren’t wearing that.” 

“I’m not wearing your stripper skirt again, either,” You laughed. 

Two hours later, you were sitting on the couch of a frat house, minding your own business as everyone around you danced and drank. You were fine with it though. Because at least you weren’t alone. Even if all you wanted to do was call Travis and ask if you could go over for a movie, you stayed put.

But another hour after that, your stomach started to growl. You didn’t trust any of the food here, so you set out to find your roommate and tell her you were going to leave to find something to eat. 

She was dancing and laughing with a boy she’d been with a lot in the last few weeks, “Come dance!” She yelled when she saw you. 

“I’m actually going to go find food.”

“Ughhhhhh fine! Call me when you get home!”

You waved as you made your way out the door. Much to your entire family’s dismay, you liked walking around Philly. You liked the quiet, even if the streets were anything but quiet. It allowed you to think, and feel like you could breathe for a little while. 

You used to walk everywhere back home, and you missed it. So you tried your hardest to keep being able to do that. It also didn’t hurt that campus wasn’t far from a lot of your favorite places. 

You walked to your favorite little cafe, needing one of their sandwiches. The place was quiet because of how late it was. You couldn’t help but wonder if Carter had found this place yet. He’d like it, he’d like how quiet it was and how hidden it seemed to be. 

You pulled out your phone, almost tempted to text him. But surely he’d be sleeping after all he’d just done. There had been a few tough losses, Carter was in net for both of them. You were sure the last thing he wanted to do was go out on the town, even if it was to just meet you for some dinner. 

You wanted to smack yourself. You weren’t meant to be friends with Carter. You weren’t meant to feel things for him. He was Carter...you weren’t supposed to go down this path.

So instead, you settled into your usual booth in the corner and waited on your food. You happily sipped on hot chocolate. All you really wanted to do now was eat and go curl up in your warm bed. You’d prefer to be in Travis’s because it was more comfortable, but that would mean that he’d go crash on the couch and you wouldn’t ask that of him again. 

You didn’t even notice someone else walk into the empty cafe until they spoke up at the counter. You knew that gravelly voice, laced with something you could never quite pinpoint. The mop of messy hair, the way he stood. 

It felt like a hole had been punched in your chest. Fear crept in before you even had a chance to think about anything else. The walls were closing in on you. He was here. You had to get out. You had to get somewhere safe. 

You waited until he had his back turned to you and the exit. You dropped cash on the table and all but ran. Your heart thudded as you got out, hoping he wouldn’t come after you. He was here. He wasn’t meant to be here, but there was nothing to stop him now. 

 You ran hard and fast. You didn’t even know where you were going, you just had to get away from there. You were cold and shaking, fighting back tears. You were running away from campus, the last thing you wanted to do was be alone in your dorm room. 

Before you knew what you were doing you were pounding on the door of an apartment. The second the door flung open your knees buckled. The tears came, there was no stopping it. The person on the other side of the door caught you. 

His body was warm and strong against yours. Everything in you shook as you clutched onto him. You shouldn’t be here, you knew that. But he was the first person you thought of, somehow you knew he’d keep you safe. 

“Y/N? What’s wrong?” You could hear the panic as he slowly got you inside the apartment and got the door closed, “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“He’s here,” you knew he wouldn’t understand. But that was all you could think to say. 

That was all you could say. 

“It’s okay,” He whispered, “I’ve got you. I’m just going to call Teeks.”

“No!” You yelled, “Don’t...just don’t go.”

You clutched onto his shirt harder. You couldn’t be alone, even if he just stepped away for a phone call. You didn’t want to be left. He was here...and you needed someone to stay next to you. Your whole body shook more. The realization started to set in, he’d really found you. 

After all this time, the second he had a chance, he came and found you. The city that you loved didn’t feel safe anymore, not with him in it. You didn’t feel like you could walk around, or go to your favorite places. What if he was there too?

Eventually you fell asleep, still in Carter’s arms, clutching onto him for dear life. 

Carter didn’t exactly know what to do. He hadn’t expected you to show up on his doorstep, crying so hard that you could barely breathe. In fact, it was the last thing he’d expected from you. He almost panicked, because he didn’t know what to do. But the way that you held onto him, somehow, he knew that you trusted him enough to be here. 

He thought about the nightmares you’d had the last time you were in his place, and if this had anything to do with them. He didn’t know who spooked you so much, but he knew that TK needed to know.

He shifted enough that he could reach for his phone, without disturbing you. You’d all but passed out, eventually just too exhausted to even keep your eyes open. But you were still whimpering, a few stray tears still slid down your cheeks. Carter just wanted to make it all go away, he wanted to see your smile again. 

“Hartsy, what’s up man? I saw you a few hours ago!” TK’s voice rang out from the other end of the line. 

“Y/N’s here. It’s bad man I don’t know what’s going on,” Carter told him, carefully and quietly. 

“She’s what?”

“Dude she showed up on my doorstep, absolutely freaked out. Kept saying ‘he’s here’ I don’t know what’s going on, but you should get over here.”

An impressive string of curses left Travi’s mouth, “Where is she now?”

Cater sighed, looking down at you with an unknown sense of fondness, “Literally passed out in my arms.”

“Okay...I’ll be over in a minute. And then I’m going to make a lot of phone calls and figure out exactly what’s going on.”

You stirred when Carter called for Travis to come on in. You tried not to move much, knowing you were more or less on top of Carter. You felt horrible, you weren’t meant to do this. You weren’t meant to be here, with Carter, like this. 

“Is she okay?” was the first thing Travis could ask. 

“She’s been like this since before I called you.”

“What happened?” another voice joined in, Nolan. Nolan was here too. 

You wanted to just disappear. You didn’t want any of this to happen, you didn’t mean for it to. You just wanted to go somewhere that you felt safe. Carter was the closest. But you didn’t mean for this to happen like this.

“I don’t know. She was banging on my door, and she was crying. She just kept saying ‘he’s here’ she collapsed in my arms and then passed out a while ago,” Carter explained, “I’m worried about her.”

“Damnit,” Travis cursed, “Patty, stay here with them. I need to go call Ethan.”

You could hear him in the other room, trying to figure things out with your brother. You knew Travis had figured out who you meant the second Carter said it the first time. Nolan figured it out when he said it again, you were sure of that. The only person who didn’t know was Carter. You didn’t want him to know, but you dragged him into it all when you showed up at his door.

“Damnit!” This time Travis yelled, before making his way back into the living room, “I don’t know how the hell he’s here. He can’t be within-”

“Because the order isn’t valid anymore,” you finally sat up, “I got a call from the lawyer last week.”

“And you didn’t fucking tell anyone?” 

“I didn’t feel like mentioning that I didn’t have a protective restraining order taken out against him anymore,” tears fell again, but this time you tried to be firm.

“What’re you talking about, Y/N?”

You swallowed hard, “It’s nothing.”

“I swear to god, you don’t get to hide shit like that from those of us who helped pick up the pieces, and then show up at his doorstep and brush him off,” Travis warned. 

He sounded so much like Ethan, you’d almost forgotten about the days the two of them would get mad at you for doing something stupid. They’d lecture you for what seemed like hours, and they always won. 

“Either you tell him, or I will.”

“I-”

“I swear to God, I’ll get Ethan on the first plane out here, and we’ll go deal with this guy. But you need to fucking tell Carter. He deserves to know now.”

This fear was different. Holding Carter at a distance meant that he’d never need to know that something like this happened to you. He’d never have to find out. But somehow, he’d worked his way into your life, so much so that you showed up on his doorstep when you really needed someone. 

And now you had to tell him what happened. Because Travis was right, Carter deserved to know. You showed up at his door like this, so he deserved to know why. Even if you weren’t sure how you could explain all of it. 

“It’s okay, cut her a break, Teeks, she’d had a rough night.” Carter’s voice was soft.

You shook your head. You didn’t want to have this conversation. You didn’t want to have to relive it all again, much less the night that he’d shown up in Philly. But you also knew that you were somehow starting to consider Carter to be a friend, and if he was really going to be your friend, he needed to understand a few things. He needed to know what happened to you before you came.

“You guys can go, I’m okay,” You told Travis and Nolan, not wanting to have this conversation with them here. 

“No, you’re going to come stay with me tonight. I don’t want you going back to your dorm alone,” Travis replied. 

“Travis, no offense, but if he wants to find me, he’ll start by looking for you. He knows I go to UPenn, but he won’t bother if I’m with someone he doesn’t know. Besides, roomie knows about what happened, and if she sees him she’ll be the first one to call the cops,” You explained, “I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“She can stay with me,” Carter spoke up, “I have a spare room, she can stay here for the night.”

“I don’t think that’s-” 

“Y/N, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“Fine.”

“I’ve got her TK, don’t worry,” Carter assured him.

Travis looked at me, I could see how worried he was. The last time something like this happened I locked myself in my room for days and refused to leave. He was waiting for a breakdown that wasn’t going to come. I’d gotten it all out of my system. I would be different this time. 

“Call me if you need me,” He begged, “Please. And let Ethan know you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. I’m sorry you got dragged into this Nolan.”

He smiled softly and hugged you. For a second, you couldn’t help but tense up before relaxing in his arms. Nolan didn’t often hug you, he knew you didn’t like physical contact. Travis ignored all of that, since he’d known you for years, and remembered the little girl that always latched onto him for a big bear hug. 

“Be careful, okay?”

When they finally left, Carter went to go get both of you a drink, claiming you needed to rehydrate after crying so much. For some reason, it made you laugh, which you hadn’t expected. 

“So, not to be weird or anything, but you’re always in like sweatshirts and stuff...so why the bodycon?”

You’d forgotten about the dress your roommate put you in, “Shit. Um, I was at a party. Apparently you can’t wear a sweatshirt to a frat party.”

“You went to a frat party?”

“Uh, I kind of sat in the corner with a water bottle all night,” You admitted, “It’s not really my thing, but my roommate wanted me to go.”

He almost seemed to laugh, “I’m going to go grab a pair of sweats and a shirt for you,” He said, “And then you can go to bed.”

“Carter-”

“I meant it, I don’t need to know. I’m not going to force you to tell me. As long as you’re safe, I don’t care.”

Something seemed to swell in your chest. You couldn’t explain it, but the way he was looking at you and the way his voice sounded. You were feeling much more than you were meant to for him, but you also couldn’t bring yourself to care. 

“Carter, I-”

“It’s okay. I promise. You need to get some sleep, we can talk in the morning if you want.”

“But I-”

He shrugged and walked away to get clothes for you. When he came back he showed you to the guest bedroom, and waited on the bed for you to change in the bathroom. Oddly enough, he tucked you in and gave you a spare charger for your phone. He promised that if you were to need him, that you just had to come wake him up. He swore he didn’t mind. 

Just as he was getting ready to leave your bedroom for the night, he turned to look back at you. Something was swirling in his eyes, something you couldn’t explain or understand, “Did you love him?”

It was the last question you’d expected him to ask. Yet, at the same time, it seemed like the only question to ask. 

You had to blink a few times to rid yourself of the burn that was building in your eyes. How could you fully answer that question? You bit your lip and thought hard. All these years you tried not to think about your last relationship and everything you’d felt during those years. 

“Yeah,” You finally forced out, “I did, because I thought he loved me too. But that was before I realized that wasn’t what love was. He never loved me. But I was stupid enough to love him.”

[raschuuuu]

WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK? // M.YG angst (Suga)

Summary: You finally had your debut with your girl group with Big Hit entertainment. That was your absolute biggest dream but what happens when you have to decide now? Do you want to live your idol life and let the love of your life go for it? Or do you decide for the life of your life?

Word count: 5k

Genre: angst

warnings: established relationship / swearing / soft yoongi / mentioning of breakups / mentioning of suicide/death

Pairing: Yoongi!idol x female idol!reader

A/N: Hello guuuuys! Today I hope very much that you will like this one here! I didn't get any requests so I want to say it again one more time: FEEL FREE TO SEND ME YOUR REQUESTS!!! 😟🥺It’s my second fanfic on this blog I worked very hard on it so I really really hope you guys will enjoy it. If you guys think I could do anything better or you have another preferences please let me know. I’d be very happy if you guys leave a like so I know you read it and liked it. Another note: English is not my first language I’m very sorry if you guys find any mistakes.. 💔

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5th December 2020

What could be better than having a debut just before the year ends? My group and I were supposed to have our debut much earlier but that was  postponed due to the COVID pandemic so it was complicated to have a debut this year but nevertheless our company managed to give us a debut before the year ends and I really have to say it's the best thing that could ever happen to me!

My dream has finally come true. How long was I a trainee? Exactly. Six years. Six freaking years I was hidden behind the scenes of my big and famous company. It feels really shitty to be in the shadow of two famous groups in South Korea. Don't get me wrong I'm a really big fan of BTS and TXT but we got tired of being told that we're going to make our debut but at the end we didn’t. I know the guys from BTS and TXT  personally and we all get along super well even the other members of my group. But to be honest BTS and TXT couldn't wait for our debut to happen and finally it's here (y/g/n) finally gets the recognition.

31st December 2020

Of course our lives have changed dramatically since we made our debut. Of course it's much harder to go out alone now than before. Before I was a nobody. No one knew me but now I don't even dare to go alone to the convenient store that is just around the corner of our dorm. You might think I'm exaggerating a bit but no, unfortunately it's the truth. Nevertheless, I don't want to spoil my idol life. After our debut we had a lot of promotions and interviews. But even before that we didn't have much time because we had to shoot our music video and photo shoots and we were all sent to the hairdresser because our old look was officially bye bye. I’m happy with my new look I think I look so beautiful I can't believe what a haircut and a nice makeup can do to a person.

Today is the 31st of December. New Year's Eve! New year takes place in less than 24 hours! Where am I? I'm at this year's MBC Gayo DaeJeon. My first new year's eve without my family and officially my first new year's eve as an idol. I'm so excited I can't believe it I'm going to be on stage with my girls and I'm meeting other idols how exciting is that. I'm sitting in the makeup room getting my makeup done by our makeup artist and on the side our hairstylist is making me a high ponytail. I hope I'll look good. Dabi, the oldest of our group and therefore our Unni, has just finished and looks adorable. Miso sits to my left and is also getting her make-up and hair done. Hyemi is getting ready after me because she doesn't take up much time. She has the shortest hair of all of us. I’m sitting with my mobile phone in my hand and texting with my mother. Sometimes I wish I could be with her and with my father and my siblings. I miss them all like hell. I haven't seen them since before our debut. I can't wait to hold them all in my arms next time.

(eomma):

y/n we miss you! New year's eve isn't the same without you but hopefully you'll have fun on stage today. We'll all be watching you! Your dad and I your grandparents and your siblings so don't worry we're always with you! Good luck my child fighting! 🎉🎆

I notice how i get tears in my eyes but no I mustn't cry my makeup gets ruined. Just as I want to answer my mother i get a new text on my phone.

(yoongi):

I'm excited to see you tonight! You'll be great I believe in you.

By the way... I guess I didn't tell you that I'm dating Min Yoongi. That's right, Min Yoongi.

flashback

2014

"Y/n! We're about to meet BTS!" says Hyemi as I just walked into the dance practice room. What BTS? The group that made their debut last year? "Really why?" I ask looking at her confused. Apparently all new trainee male or female, are introduced to BTS because they want to give us some nice words and encouragement on our way as trainees. Just as I was about to sit down, the seven men came in the door. One after the other, they passed us by. Wow, these guys can count themselves lucky that their time is up. But one boy in particular stands out to me. He has red hair. Not too light and not too dark, a red that almost goes brown. He is beautiful.

I haven't really informed myself about who BTS is, of course I still have difficulties to remember their names, I just became a trainee before I didn't care who was a trainee here... but this man is beautiful!

Oh crap he looks at me. Why is he looking at me. Someone tell him to look the other way please I’m so awkward I don't know how to act when someone looks at me I better look the other way. The leader said some nice words to us they all wished us luck and said that they can't wait for us to make our debut and that when the day comes they're all gonna be happy and supportive! Really nice of them I never thought that they would do something like that. We all got up and bowed and said thank you, while BTS was about to walk out I saw the red haired boy looking at me one last time before he went out. Crazy man do I have something on my face stop staring!

2015

I started to get to know them better each and every one of them. I get along best with Hoseok and Taehyung. Every now and then we run into each other in the building and talk for a few minutes. We trainees also got to meet all the guys in person, they are all so nice and down to earth I don't regret it one bit that I joined this company! Jungkook is about my age and every now and then we have a few laughs together. Once you are in the company you are like one big family whether it is with the trainees or the staff. However I have not been able to get close to one person and that is Min Yoongi. I don't know what it is but every time he and I are in a room with other people it just gets awkward. I don't know what it is but every time he is near me I feel intimidated and just want to get out of there. We've never spoken a word to be honest maybe it's because he feels awkward around me too? I can't understand why he feels this way I always try to get along with everyone even if i don't want to and make everyone feel comfortable around me because I want it to be mutual. So what's his problem?

2016

I have heard from his members that he has a crush on me and gets shy around me which I totally don't understand because how can anyone be into me? Especially back then! I don't want to go into too much detail but I can tell you that after a while and with the help of Hoseok and Taehyung he and I started texting at some point. We had been friends for a long time but only online. We were both too nervous to meet in person and to be honest that had been impossible because he was busy as fuck and no one was supposed to find out that we were texting. BTS recognition grew more and more each year and he became busier and busier each day. I was of course very happy for everyone and one rainy day in the evening Yoongi appeared out of nowhere on my doorstep and confessed his love to me. I am still overwhelmed by it and it all feels so unreal and like it just happened yesterday, but I went for it and agreed to be his girlfriend.

back to December 31st 2020

For four years we have been hiding our relationship. Nobody knows about it the whole Big Hit staff doesn't know about it and neither do our managers the only ones who know about it are his members and recently my members. I didn't want to tell them until we made our debut together because I was too scared of being told off during my trainee time. But I have to say that the girls stand behind me and accept our relationship and they all swore they would take it to the grave with them.

I quickly turn down the brightness of my screen because there's too much danger of my hairstylist and makeup artist reading the text. I close my phone and put it on my lap. How much I want to answer him but I don't dare I can't answer him when there are too many people around me. After a while we were called and it was finally our turn I'm so nervous but we managed it all with flying colors and we were the topic of the evening.

In a few minutes it's already new year I'm ready and let 2021 come to me. At midnight Yoongi calls me and I answer the phone with joy.

"Happy new year y/n! I love you and I hope we will spend more time together this year even though it will be harder now." I smile to myself and say "Happy new year Yoongi... how is your shoulder? Are you resting enough? Are you eating enough? Are you sleeping enough? Are you in pain? If you are in pain then take a painkiller and go back to the doctor!" I can't see it but I can tell he is grinning and shaking his head. I don't let him get a word in edgewise.

"Don't worry I’m fine I just miss you you're the only painkiller I can take" - "Hahaha yah! You're so corny! I miss you too sweetheart I wish we had spent this new year together... I’m sorry it turned out like this!" I feel really bad because I know he won't be able to spend new year with his boys or me... To be honest we have never had a new year together except on the phone but this time it could have worked out! He is at home with his injury and if we wouldn't have had our debut then we would have had a first new year together after four years of relationship!

January 10th 2021

At the beginning of the new year our manager gave us our schedule plan at it looked hella busy! This whole January we would be completely busy we don't even have one weekend off! I can’t believe it how will I able to see my family or even Yoongi? I saw him at the first weekend of January we spent it together at his family’s house in Daegu behause to be honest that is actually the only place that we can go to a little far away from Seoul without having to worry that any of the staff could know or see us. My family also knows and loves him to death but with my family living in Seoul it’s complicated to take him there. Our manager left the room and I looked at Dabi with the ‘You and I bathroom NOW!’ look she understood and got up from her place and she followed me to the bathroom. We checked if any other person was inside when there wasn’t I said “What the fuck I’m I gonna do now Unni? How am I able to see Yoongi? How will I be able to even go out. I won’t even have time to take the fucking trash out from our dorm when it’s my turn to clean!” I yell. She stands there giving me a confused look. “What do you expect y/n? You chose to have this idol life you know its busy and complicated to have a boyfriend especially as a fresh debuted idol! Why do you think they won't let us have a relationship? I wish I could help you but I can’t. We’re gonna be busy as fuck!” she yelled back. “Psh shut your volume down unni!” she opened the door to see if there was anyone outside but there wasn’t.

I feel bad I really do. I don't want my members to be in trouble because of me that's the last thing I want. I hug her and apologize to her. I have to think of something I don't know what to do. I don't want us to be away from each other for too long what happens when he stops loving me all of a sudden? What do I do when he goes back to work then it will all be worse! Before I became an idol we could always see each other at the end of the day but now it will be impossible. I have to talk to him about it because one thing we promised each other is that we talk about everything because that's the only way a healthy relationship can work and such a complicated relationship we both have. I take out my phone and write him a message.

(me):

Yoongi. Tonight FaceTime date you and me?

In less than two minutes I already get my answer.

(yoongi):

of course!

evening

I turn on my MacBook and call him on FaceTime. After three rings he answers the phone and turns it off too so he doesn't have to hold it in his hand. He still has his bandage on and his hair is wet he must have been in the shower. He wears cute pyjamas and fight me or not but black haired Yoongi is the most beautiful Yoongi. I always fall in love again when I see him. Hard to believe we were so awkward with each other back then but this year is already approaching 5 years together. I could never imagine my life without him. 

"Hey my darling" he says happily and smiles at me. I smile back and ask him how he is. He tells me that he is getting better every day and that during his time off he has found a lot of time for himself and his music and how much he misses the others. And me too, of course. "What's wrong with you?" he asks me when he notices that my mind is somewhere else. I think he took the Facetime date too seriously. He be sitting there with his cup of ramen. I just laugh. "Yoongi... I'm going to be busy all of January and manager oppa said that February might not be any better," I say and wait for his answer. He swallows his noodles and drinks a glass of water. "Does that mean we won't see each other this month?" he asks. I think he's a little disappointed I know him and I know his tones and his looks and I can hear my heart breaking by now. And how much I'd like to see you Yoongi. Every second every day. "No," I say, and then an uncomfortable silence descends. 

“You know what baby it’s fine don't worry. I mean I wasn’t any better back then do you remember when I always used to be so busy? I never had time for you and I felt so bad. But you were there for me and you stayed by my side and you were and still are the most supportive girlfriend I could ever ask for. I think it would be unfair to be mad at you. I’m happy for you forever and always” well that was unexpected. I start getting tears in my eyes. I didn't think of this reaction not at all! I smile at him and say “Thank you baby... I will appreciate it I really do. But still I feel bad because especially in this period where you're sick I wish I could be there for you and take care of you. This debut was so unexpected I’m really sorry” - “Yah don't be sorry y/n. You worked your goddamn fine ass off to be where you're at right now be proud of you this is just the beginning. And it’s not like that we won't see each other ever again right?” he says. He’s right. He’s totally right. It’s not like we won't see each other ever again.

January 17th 2020

Well... seven days passed and we still haven't seen each other and we haven't talked since one week. We text every now and then cause I really only get to use my phone when it's night and we go back home but every night I'm so damn exhausted and tired that I forget to answer to his texts. I don't even have time to text my parents back or my siblings. I feel so bad I'm such a bad person. I miss them all so much. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and my brother. I miss my grandparents. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend so damn much. I really didn't think this life is gonna be so hard for me. I feel like I've been put in the middle of a scale with my career on one side and my relationship on the other side and I have to choose one side or the other. I've never thought about breaking up with Yoongi ever in my life. Never. I just can't. I need this man too much. Even though we never have the most beautiful and perfect relationship and see each other very rarely, it's just the thought that I know there's someone in my life who loves me and accepts me for who I am that counts. He took me with my imperfections he put his career what he loves most in his life in risk to be with me and now that we are both in this situation I don't know what to do I feel bad and selfish for even thinking about it I don't want to make him feel like my career is more important than him or our relationship he doesn't deserve that he deserves the world and he deserves to be happy. But I love my career I love my job I love my members I love our staff I love our fans. Our biggest fear was not being accepted by the society outside especially now in this period when BTS is one of the biggest groups in the whole world and have a very big influence in the KPOP industry. We were afraid that society would think that since we are the first girl group to make a Big Hit debut in a very long time that people would think that we would mess with the boys heads or that there would be any rumors started between us and the other groups. But on the contrary people have been happy for us and love our music and us individually. I feel like Hannah Montana I feel like I am living a double life.

20th January 2021

"I know you are overwhelmed with the situation my child, I can imagine that it is very hard for you but you have to know what is best for you. You can't tell anyone from your company, you are a rookie, if they find out you had a boyfriend during your trainee time then it is even worse. I wish I was with you and could help you or just be there for you. I love Yoongi very much but I love you even more and I am happy with any decision you make. Just make the right one" my mother says on the phone. Tears have been flowing since she got on the phone but I don't want to tell her and I try not to sob but I know she can tell by my tone that I am crying. She is right. I have to make a decision. Yoongi is getting better day by day and soon he will be busy too he will go back to his daily routine and the other members. He will have comebacks he will have dance practices he will have to go to the recording studio he will have photo shoots he will do interviews and when the corona situation allows he will have to go to other countries and I have to do the same.

I love him to death and I will never love anyone as much as I love him but I am just not happy like this and you can tell me what you want he is not either but he doesn't let it show. Yesterday on the phone there was such an awkward tension between us it felt like I was making small talk with a stranger. Even though I might be the bad guy but one of us has to make the first move. I have wished and hoped that this day will never come but I have to do it.

23 January 2021

Yoongi told me that he is back in his flat in Seoul with his mother. Unfortunately he still can't travel alone so his dear mum went with him. I missed her too, she's the nicest and sweetest woman ever. When I imagine that I won't see her again either, tears well up in my eyes. But today I have to do it. Who would have thought that our reunion would be like this? Who would have thought that I would break up with him. He won't expect it but I have to do it. I’m cold and sick and I just want to go to bed and get the day over with. It's 11pm at night and we've come home after a long hard day. I look out the window and wait until our manager is out of sight.

My members know about my plans and of course have asked me a million times if I am sure and if there is no other way out. I am very happy that they are worried about me but I also feel bad towards them. I have been hiding it from them all our trainee years and when I told them they were all so good about it and even want me not to do it. But no I will do it I am young and want to concentrate on my career and what is coming up for us.

I told Yoongi that I would come, of course he doesn't want to because it's way too late but I said it was important and that we had to talk about something. When I said we had to talk about something he was quiet and then just said he would wait for me. I put on a hat and a thick jacket and the hood of the jacket and a mask and a scarf and go out into the high snow that has covered Seoul. His flat is not far from mine but still I have to take a taxi. I ask the driver to wait for me because I don't want to stay there long I want to get it over with quickly and go.

(me):

can you come down?

(yoongi):

why don't you come up?

(me):

I think its better when you come down Yoongi I don't want your mom to be worried or hears any of that were gonna talk.

He doesn't text back instead I just see the lights turning on from his window. A few minutes later he comes down. Oh my fucking lord he is so handsome. I want to run up to him and kiss him from head to toe. I want to be in his arms. I want us to go upstairs together and fall asleep together. I want to build a snowman with him. I want to be with him forever I love him he is the love of my life.

He comes up to me and smiles at me. He stands in front of me and we both don't say a word. His smile turns into a confused look he notices something is wrong. "Don't I get a kiss or a hug?" he asks me. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I would love to rip your clothes off Min Yoongi.

"I want to break up." Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. "Yoongi say something?" I ask him. He says nothing. He looks at me with a blank look he is sad he is disappointed he is devastated just like me. "Yoongi please?". He does not speak.

"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I-i-I really love you I love you more than anything but I know that I can't give 100% in our relationship now. I just want us to be happy but I see that we are not. It could have been great during your time off but I can't be there for you... sooner or later it should have happened. I want to be with you but I can't anymore it was okay then but it's not okay now we're both famous you're in the biggest boy group in the world if anyone finds out we're together we'll be screwed. Especially me Yoongi. Female idols have it harder than male idols you know that. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I think this will be the best thing for us I-" he interrupts me.

"How dare you to tell me what's best for me? Do you have any idea what you're talking about y/n? Stop trying to tell me what's best for me when you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life god damn. I was going through a difficult time in my life and you were the only one who was there for me! And now you're telling me let’s break up because you're afraid people are gonna find out? And that they are gonna blame you? The fuck? Theres always two fucking persons in a relationship y/n! I also wanted that. I wanted you. Don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t you love me anymore? We hid our relationship for four fucking years why can't we hide it now?" he said yelling at me.

 I am shocked and sad I want to die. I don't want to live in this life without Min Yoongi. But I know it's best for us I do it for him and his career too.

"Yes I don't love you anymore" were my last words before I left.

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A/N: damn y/n!!! did you just break up with the mf min yoongi? you better save your relationship! guys if you want a part two (with maybe a happy ending?) let me know! love you bye 🎀

[tim-burton-bitch]

Tw: pre-romantic prinxiety, slight near-panic attack mentions, mentions of storms, descriptions of crushing, mentions of deep sea swimming, mentions of lack of escape and difficulty breathing, semi-shitty writing, I think cursing this has been sitting in google for a while I wrote this back in like early November at 3 am let me know if there's any others minor spoilers for FWSA

This was written the same night as this one and takes place after technically it's meant to take place shortly after the 2020 election was called this one is just fluff despite all the trigger warnings it's just an idea of the minor similarities yet differences between Roman and Remus' rooms like how it would feel to be in them and I had to write it out and the original idea had come from think of Virgil going in their rooms and describing how they made him feel so I ended up writing it as prinxiety and I like how the descriptions turned out this follows the same headcanons as the previous one shot added on is Roman is also an insomniac sometimes he has a lot of ideas sometimes he keeps working having gotten absorbed into his work sometimes he's overwhelmed with emotions inspiration or just plain can't sleep

Word count: 1,708 words

Virgil sighed, he couldn't sleep again. Why? He didn't know, sometimes it was Remy being a petty bitch sometimes because his anxiety was running high. Some nights he just... COULDN'T. This was one of those nights.

He had been scrolling through tumblr for a surpls of hours, it was nearing 5am, groaning Virgil decided to head downstairs and get some coffee. No point trying to sleep if it just wasn't gonna happen.

He got up slipping on his hoodie over the My Chemical Romance shirt and sweatpants he was trying to sleep in. Grabbing his phone he slipped out the door and into the hall.

He would have gone and asked Roman if he wanted to watch Disney or something had he known for sure Roman was awake tonight. As he snuck down the hall he noticed Roman's door was slightly ajar, a slight breeze blew from the crack in the door. This would not be the first time Virgil had been in Roman's room. Nor the first time he found out Roman's room could be altered to what Roman wished, imagination and all that. In fact being honest he hadn't been surprised at all when he found out, because Remus' room also held that ability. What had surprised Virgil was not the fact it was altered but insteadd what it had been altered to.

The first time he had found out for sure Roman's room could change too it had been late at night, and he had found Roman in the middle of a feild beneath stormclouds watching a lightning storm above him. Virgil had always found lightning storms relaxing. So long as the lightning was far off. It had never struck him as something that the fanciful prince would also find a peace and serenity in storms. And yet that had been what Virgil found, the prince laying on his back in the center of a feild watching the lightning storm. Explaining when he noticed Virgil come in (and asked him to shut the door) that it was peaceful in its own right and he enjoyed changing his room when he was overwhelmed, sometimes with ideas sometimes emotionally.

Feeling overwhelmed was something new to the prince to admit and right now only Virgil knew his secret. They helped each other when they felt overwhelmed or broke down ever since the day Janus had shared his name and Roman broke down to Virgil.

Virgil stepped up to the door enjoying both Roman's company and Roman's rooms ability, as well as usually finding a common scene they both found relaxing, he was curious to discover what the room was tonight.

Roman did not disapoint

Virgil LOVED space. There was always something about the vast mystery that was space. Calm an peaceful.... He and Logan could often be found talking about space and the night sky. Logan would let Virgil into his room to use his telescope whenever Virgil wished.

Tonight, Roman's room was breathtaking. Roman lay in the center of a greeen meadow staring up into a stary night sky. The green seemed to go on forever and technically, it did.

Virgil stepped into the meadow far closer to a pale blue in the moonlight. He quietly shut the door behind him and walked over the the man who lay alone in the center of the grassy meadow, watching the sky slowly move.

"Hey starry-eyes, room for one more?" Virgil asked as he sat down beside the older sides head.

Roman let out a chuckle eyes focusing on the emo now leaning over him, "Always is room for you, so what do you think?"

"The night sky? Seriously? You're really here asking ME if I like this view?"

Roman smirked sitting up part way resting on one elbow, "I asked if you liked the scenery not the view. You're looking at ME right now~" he sing-songed, causing the other to blush.

"Oh shut up you KNOW what I meant!" Virgil cried out shoving the prince to the side as Roman laughed. They were both quiet for a moment just enjoying the serenity of the meadow and company of one another. A few minutes had passed and a breeze blew when Virgil hummed musingly, "I don't think I can ever get tired of coming into your room. I love it here."

Roman looked over having long ago laid back down. He watched as Virgil joined him in laying on his back. He turned back to the sky above the two and hummed an agreement, "I certainly love my room as well. Is it just that you like the rooms shift ability? Because if I'm not mistaken mine isn't the only room which can. Remus' room and The Imagination can as well..." Roman trailed off turning his head to look at the calm, anxious trait laying beside him.

Virgil let out a lighthearted laugh. "No, definitely not. I've been in Remus' room and yours is just... different. The way it feels is... nice."

Roman was still staring at him now quizzically and Virgil turned to look back at him, "How is that? How does my room feel any different than The Imagination or Remus'?"

Virgil looked back at the stars as he pondered the question. "It's... Kinda hard to explain.... See The Imagination doesn't feel like anything really, there unless with someone doing something it feels like any other room so that one's easy. But to describe Remus and your rooms? I'm not entirely sure how..." Virgil glanced at Roman before looking up once more.

Roman was thinking on Virgil's answer in the silence that had proceeded, "Remus' room..." Roman looked over as Virgil began to speak. "Walking into Remus' room is like swimming under water deep in the ocean. You feel a weight suddenly pressing down on you. There's no where to go no way to escape. It's the end, you're running out of air and you know you'll never resurface in time. But you try to anyways knowing it's pointless. Yet you also feel weightless... the way water can make you. Like you mean nothing. Weigh nothing. About to be swept away. It causes you to panic you just. Can't. Breathe."

Virgil's hands tightened into fists as he explained, his chest tightening just at the thought of Remus' room. "I hate it in there. I can never breathe." Roman nodded understanding. When Virgil didn't continue for a moment he thought that was all. That his room held feeling unlike The Imagination, and didn't feel as awful as Remus'.

Virgil's hands relaxed he needed to calm down which was easier here than anywhere else in the mindscape. "Your room..." Roman looked over at Virgil again noting he had more to say, "Your room is the opposite. You feel light... calm.. content and happy."

Roman looked at Virgil with interest, he never really particularly thought so. Virgil continued thoughtfully, "Stepping into your room you suddenly feel like anything is possible. Like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you can fly. You feel like you're about to float away and yet..." His hands closed around the grass beneath him, "You feel grounded. Safe and secure. Whatever mess is outside the room is exactly that... outside. While here it can't bother you. It can't do anything to you. It's easier to calm down in here because of that. It's like... the room itself holds your care and compassion. Not to mention your passion. When it's a STORM it goes as all out as you do."

Virgil smirked, "It feels like stepping into your arms. Safe, warm, welcome...." He turned his head to meet the prince's eyes.

Roman was speechless. He was touched Virgil felt safe and welcome with him. In fact as their eyes met he was beyond speechless.

The stars reflected in the eyes of the man who lay beside him. Virgil was still smirking the shadow beneath his eyes a bright purple, he took Roman's breath away, "Coming in here, is like being able to breathe for the first time. You didn't even realize you hadn't been breathing till you come in. Just like with you."

Roman didn't know what to say. A part of him wanted to kiss the emo right beside him caution be damned. But he knew better. Virgil was sweet with the words but they were friendly and not to be taken as anything more.

Besides as romantic as this was and as many fantasies of a first kiss ran through his head in that moment. He wouldn't, consent meant everything to Virgil and Roman wanted to be sure if it ever did happen, he was entirely comfortable with it. He wanted verbal confirmation.

This was romantic and would make for a great first kiss with non-verbal consent. But he wanted Virgil to KNOW he understood the man's boundaries. He wanted the first kiss to be asking permission and after either a direct nod of confirmation or a verbal queue. So Virgil knew Roman would never do anything he was uncomfortable with and he would always feel safe.

So he just nodded as they stared at one another in the moonlight. Each longing to lean in and kiss the other. One afraid of what might happen the other wishing for another scenario where he could directly ask without it sounding out of place.

They chose instead to just enjoy the rest of the night, together.

Eventually they must both have fallen asleep as the next thing they remember there was knock on Roman's door.

"Hey Kiddo, I'm about to go make pancakes, usually you're already up by now so I wanted to be sure you were alright. Also... have you seen Virgil?"

Patton's voice rang out breaking the silence. The two were now laying on the hardwood floor of Roman's room. "Yeah we're fine we were just hanging out last night!" Roman called out.

"Alright kiddos, well breakfast will be ready soon see you then," Patton then walked off leaving the two to wake up properly while he finished cooking breakfast.

The two smiled at one another memory of the shared moment fresh in both their heads as they stretched. Virgil leaving to go get changed. And they both went about their day.

[buildarocketboys]

8 and 12 for the autism asks?

Woops, sorry anon, you gave me the opportunity to infodump about autistic!Nathan and I'm afraid I took it lol

8. If you have any, what are your special interests?

Honestly at the moment it's probably mostly just Heroes (and specifically Nathan and Peter Petrelli lol). Like I usually say cooking/baking but somewhere in the past few months that's kind of faded out a bit and I don't love doing as much as I did, which is a shame. Apart from that I've kind of been having fairly short-lived hyperfixations (I'm currently watching season 4 of Glee after stopping at s3 last year, which was probably the wisest place to end but never mind).

12. Do you headcanon any characters as autistic? If you want, tell us why you headcanon them as autistic.

Aha...see my previous post. But I'm gonna give a rundown on why I headcanon Nathan as autistic, because I think it's a headcanon with a lot of evidence:

- Fake smile/exaggerated facial expressions

- makes weird/awkward comments/jokes (gifset)

- Stims (even though he masks a lot) (gifset)

- Scripting (gifset) - also his career/s as lawyer/politician are ones that involve a lot of talking/interacting with people but a. They're things that you can probably script/practice a lot of, go over every scenario etc and b. Nathan sucks as a politician lol. Like he can deliver a speech OK, but he was gonna lose (and knows he's going to lose) when he's running for Congress which is why Linderman has to kidnap Micah to fix the vote and also he literally only becomes Senator in s3 bc the Governor sees him having a mental breakdown on TV and obviously thinks 'this guy will be so easy to manipulate'

- Echolalia (there are several examples of Nathan repeating back something someone's already said to him, I think my favourite is in the s1 finale when Claire tells him that "the future isn't written in stone" and he repeats that back to her later when he flies in to have his Big Damn Moment

- Tripping over his words/words running into each other (gifset)

- Black and white thinking ie in Haiti when he's like ‘If I don’t save the world I’m basically evil’

- on the other hand, difficulty knowing what the right thing to do is, relying on other people to tell him - His whole ‘what is right/why can’t I tell the difference speech’/asking Peter what he should do

- in .07% - difficulty comprehending/empathising with a large amount of people/finds empathy difficult for people he doesn’t know/care about - I have a fairly developed headcanon that's pretty much canon about Nathan's Big Damn Moment saving Peter/New York really being entirely bc of Peter and his empathy for him (and knowing/being told by Claire how much it'll kill him to be responsible for the deaths of millions of people, since Peter has a hyperempathetic streak bigger than he is) - but yeah, that. (Actually I might make a post about this bc there's a fair amount of detail in it that's basically what I take from what we're actually given in canon and I think it would make a nice piece of meta. I talk about it with Anni all the time.

- despite not exactly being the most honest/moral person, Nathan's also really not that good at lying, especially when he has to do so spontaneously/improvise. Family brunch is probably the best example of this

- the people that Nathan most vibes with (as in, makes a real connection with that isn't shallow and based on him masking and trying so hard to fit in) in the show are characters that are either neurodivergent/mentally ill in canon or who I headcanon as neurodivergent/autistic: Nathan+Hiro (who I also headcanon as autistic), Nathan+Matt [who's canonically dyslexic], Nathan+Niki [DID(/multipersonality disorder lol, which is obviously poorly handled by the show but still, the mentally ill/ND vibes)], Nathan+Peter obvs. Claire's probably the only one who doesn't fit this but a. They don't vibe immediately, Claire takes a while to actually understand him and b. Claire's best friend is Zach and her S4 gf is Gretchen. Both of whom have incredibly autistic vibes. Claire is basically the ND equivalent of a fag hag (in the nicest possible way - I love her)

- kind of a sad/horrible one, but when Arthur says ‘I made you’ to Nathan in s3 it really gives me Lovaas being like with an autistic person you have to build the person from the ground up gross dehumanising vibes. Arthur is the worst lol

- Is actually extremely emotional (and a lot of his actions are extremely emotionally motivated - for better and for worse) e.g. Angela talking about him being ‘overly theatrical wrt Kelly’s death/calling him a sap, and him not even being able to look at the photo Meredith shows him of Claire (that whole scene really shows how hard he tries to mask his emotionality to his own detriment; he can barely look at the photo bc it's so much, and then he doesn't get Meredith to call Claire back - even though he basically came down to Texas to meet her - because he doesn't know how to handle his emotions about finally meeting the daughter he thought was dead without losing it)

- Obsessiveness (the hundreds of photos of Peter thing+him literally calling himself obsessive)

- Mostly blank/unemotional facial expression and relatively monotone voice even when talking about/in extremely emotional situations (e.g. I’m not leaving you Peter). His voice *does* show emotion sometimes but only in really intense situations and even then rarely (I think this is partly masking, partly his natural expression)

- Doesn’t like touch (apart from if it's Peter/someone else he feels safe with) especially when emotional (gifset) also his and Claire's hug in s1 is extremely awkward lol

- Burnout/losing control of his life (s2 and also kind of s3 - Nathan's a mess). Basically all the mentally ill Nathan stuff - side effects of autistic burnout/masking for basically all his life

[stonefreeak]

Thank you all for your patience! Sorry it took me much longer than I hoped to get the next chapter out. I hope y’all will continue to enjoy this ride!

Obi-Wan closes his eyes and rests his head in his hands, trying to keep his breathing even.

He knew. He knew that Anakin would blow up if he found out... Perhaps it has been wrong of Obi-Wan to try and keep it from him, try and keep their relationship stable. He's afraid for Anakin's sake.

If Palpatine turns out to be as destabilising influence as Obi-Wan fears, if he's truly convicted, then Obi-Wan wanted Anakin to feel like he could still come to him for support. He wanted to make sure that Anakin had more people to talk to than just Padmé... Perhaps it was wrong of him... But Anakin has never been objective when it comes to people he trusts and cares for.

Though Obi-Wan has to admit that it's possible that he's not the best at that either, but he tries. And perhaps Anakin is right... Perhaps no matter how much Obi-Wan loves Anakin, he does not trust him. After all... he's proven himself in many ways to be trustworthy, Obi-Wan would not hesitate a second to place his life in Anakin's hands... But he has also proven himself untrustworthy when it comes to information.

Just as Padmé has.

She promised, swore, that she would tell no one. And yet she did. She decided, without asking, that Anakin should be told. If she had asked, Obi-Wan would have told her the truth: that he was planning on telling Anakin. Even as he's now realised that perhaps it was for the best that Anakin heard it from Padmé and not from any Jedi... The fact that she did not ask remains troubling.

If she had asked him, Obi-Wan might even have given her permission to do so. He knows, after all. Anakin loves her, and bad news from a loved one who isn't involved with the news can sometimes make the blow milder. Lessen its impact.

But she didn't ask.

He pinches the bridge of his knows and breathes through the worry, the sorrow, and the anger.

Because he is angry. Angry that for all of his attempts to mitigate the damage, it has still come to this. Angry that Anakin would yell at Obi-Wan about a lack of trust when Anakin has continuously proven that he doesn't trust Obi-Wan either. Angry about the blatant hypocrisy in Anakin’s actions, but which he most likely does not even think exists.

Obi-Wan would never demand that Anakin bares his deepest fears and emotions to anyone, least of all Obi-Wan himself... But to speak of a lack of trust from Obi-Wan's side when he refuses to trust someone just on Anakin's say so, when Anakin won't even admit that he's in love with Padmé… Won’t speak of his worries, or even admit that he and Padmé are friends sometimes...

Obi-Wan isn't even sure why Anakin would lie about it in the first place. He and Padmé aren't exactly subtle, and it's a bit of an open secret among the Council members. Though, that is the wrong way to put it. The Council certainly suspects, but they have no proof. They can hardly demand or make decisions based on suspicions and circumstantial evidence… But they’re all aware that Anakin is rarely subtle, so Obi-Wan at least is fairly certain that there’s more than meets the eyes when it comes to Anakin and Padmé’s relationship.

Though perhaps Anakin’s silence is because he's realised that a relationship with a Senator means he won't be able to go on any missions that are related to Naboo or Padmé and so he's using plausible deniability to keep doing so. Perhaps he’s decided that he’d rather not deal with the potential political fallout of a Senator being in a relationship with someone she technically holds power over...

It seems like a terribly unfair reading of Anakin's motives, but Obi-Wan simply doesn't have any idea what they actually are. Between him and Padmé, Padmé is the one who might look like she's trying to make use of her position to take a Jedi to bed or even try to influence his diplomatic choices.

Perhaps it's to protect her, Obi-Wan thinks. Anakin is very serious about keeping the people he loves safe after all.

Understandably so.

Nevertheless... It makes for a difficult situation.

If they cannot be trusted to actually keep information secret from each other because they believe the other deserves to know... How can Obi-Wan know for sure that they're not also telling other people? How can he know where it ends? If they cannot be trusted to keep to the strict need-to-know basis imposed, because they believe that someone deserves to know…

He shakes his head and sighs again.

He'll need to discuss it with someone else, get a different perspective on it.

Perhaps he is too involved in this to see clearly. That really is why you shouldn't be involved with missions or diplomatic situations that involve people you know closely and care a lot about—it makes it incredibly hard to stay unbiased. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened simply due to how few Jedi there are.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Obi-Wan sighs again.

He needs to think about something else for a while. He cannot keep tying himself up into knots over his personal relationships. As a Jedi, his duty to the galaxy must come first, even though he knows he would much rather rush after Anakin to try and fix this.

Besides, it's not unlikely that some distance and time apart will let them calm down. If they're both calm when they discuss it again, they're more likely to reach a solution.

Making too many decisions when you're in the grip of high emotion can be a difficult—not to mention dangerous—thing. Emotions are important, they're as much a part of a person as their body is, but just as they can sometimes guide you or help you see things more clearly, they can also sometimes overwhelm you and lead you astray.

He'll need to meditate on this; he needs to reflect over what he's feeling and sort himself out. Then he can try to talk to Anakin again.

Perhaps considering the problem that is Count Dooku and Asajj Ventress will help him get his mind off Anakin and Padmé for now.

Not that Dooku and Ventress are any less of a difficult problem, of course.

It really would be nice if something could go well and resolve itself without much difficulty.

Of course, it wouldn't be politics if it did, he supposes.

—

(Supreme Chancellor Obi-Wan Kenobi masterpost)

[diamondjackdaw]

How about Logan?

Buckle up, friends, this one got a little long. (Thank you @impossiblysporadiccreation​ for the ask! Always happy for an excuse to talk about Logan, lol.)

+ FIRST IMPRESSION: Gosh, it’s been so long since I started watching the series; I honestly don’t remember my first impression? Probably something to the tune of “This man is very smart and he wears a necktie; good for him.”

+ IMPRESSION NOW: The one John Mulaney gif that’s just “I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die.”

If you keep up with my blog, it’s probably no shock that Logan is my favorite character in Sanders Sides. I relate to his difficulty with feelings, as well as his high expectations for himself and his fear of not being taken seriously. I love how flawed and human he is as a character; I love the glimpses of vulnerability underneath all the self-assured confidence and (sometimes) arrogance about his own abilities.

tl;dr I love Logan very much, both for his strengths and his flaws, and I’m very excited to see him grow as a character in future episodes. (I have a meta piece that discusses this in more depth if anyone is interested; I wrote it a while ago but I’m still proud of it.)

+ FAVORITE MOMENT: Too many to choose from, but I’ll always love his “That! Is! Why! I! Say! It!” in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts; he sounds so vindicated and I’m so proud of him.

In the angst category, I’m a sucker for the look of absolute horror on his face after he lashes out at Roman in Learning New Things About Ourselves. It’s one of the few times in the show where we’ve seen him genuinely frightened, and he’s frightened of himself, and I’m not okay.

+ IDEA FOR A STORY: *stares at my mountain of in-progress Google Docs* Okay, so I may need you to be a bit more specific...? /hj

*reaches into the stack and pulls one out at random* Can I interest you in uhhhhhhh a canonverse fic where Janus and Remus invite Logan and Patton over after the events of Putting Others First, but everyone has wildly different motives for being there? Patton wants to prove he can be nice to the “dark sides” (particularly Remus), Logan wants to clear the figurative air and get Thomas’s mental health back on track, Remus just wants chaos, and Janus... well, he’s got an ethically dubious strategy for getting everyone’s issues out in the open. Step One? A friendly icebreaker, with a not-quite-so-friendly twist:

“Janus made his own snakey truth serum!” Remus exclaimed, grin stretching (very literally and very uncomfortably) from ear to ear.

“Thank you, Remus. I definitely wasn’t building toward my own dramatic reveal, so I appreciate you blurting it out with your usual lack of self-restraint.”

“You’re welcome!”

“Actually, ‘truth serum,’ at least as it is commonly represented in fictional media, does not exist,” Logan said. “While there are psychoactive drugs which can lower inhibitions and interfere with cognitive functions, none of them have been demonstrated to consistently produce accurate and honest responses in an interrogation setting.”

“That may be true,” Janus said, “but fortunately for us, we are not constrained by silly little things like scientific accuracy, as evidenced by the fact that Logan is unkillable, I’m part snake, and Remus has a moustache even though Thomas has never in his life been able to successfully grow facial hair.”

“Oh, this?” Remus tugged at the tip of his moustache. “I actually super-glued this to my face when Thomas was in middle school. It’s made of my own —”

“Regardlessss,” Janus hissed, “here in the world of Thomas’s Hollywood-inundated imagination, the synthesis of a so-called ‘truth serum’ is hardly beyond my abilities. So can we stop debating the plausibility of my very elegantly styled plot device, and —”

Abruptly, Remus snatched the fancy cup out of Janus’s hand. “Jan’s right! Enough chit-chat; it’s time for some enhanced interrogation techniques in the name of...” He giggled, high-pitched and screechy in a way that made Patton’s skin crawl. “...friendship.”

+ UNPOPULAR OPINION: Hot take, Logan’s biggest obstacle right now isn’t that the others don’t listen to him, or that they don’t take him seriously; it’s that he’s staked his sense of self on being The One Who Has The Answers and Never Makes Mistakes.

Logan needs people to take him seriously, yes, but he also needs to know that he can be taken seriously without always needing to be serious. He needs to be listened to, but he also needs to know that he’s still loved and valued even when he’s not fixing problems and providing crucial information. Just like Roman, Logan needs the security of unconditional positive regard, so he doesn’t feel like he always has to perform to a certain standard in order to earn appreciation and respect.

(Disclaimer, all of this is my personal opinion, and certainly not the only valid interpretation! This is just my take based on what we’ve seen of his character throughout the series.)

+ FAVORITE RELATIONSHIP: I don’t think I have a favorite, per se, so I’m just gonna do a list of the main Logan ships/dynamics and what I enjoy about them.

Logince: The sheer romance of enemies to lovers. Two incredibly intelligent, passionate people who know exactly how to tear each other apart, but ultimately come to a place where they choose to be gentle, because they understand each other’s fears and insecurities on a fundamental level.

Logicality: Lifelong best friend energy. Like, the epitome of an old married couple, but in a platonic way. (I’m not opposed to shipping them, by any means, but platonic Logicality is my figurative bread and butter.)

Analogical: Introverts who are just? Really comfortable with each other? Not necessarily a super emotive relationship, but it doesn’t have to be, because the cornerstone of their friendship is an unspoken bedrock of trust.

Loceit: Rivals to friends to (maybe?) lovers. Long, heated arguments about philosophy; there’s a lot of posturing and taunting but privately they both love having someone smart enough to debate them in an area of shared interest. Everything about their dynamic screams “my esteemed rival” and I love it.

Intrulogical: Mad science power couple. Enough said.

+ FAVORITE HEADCANON: With regard to memory, Logan seems to be responsible for Thomas’s factual recall, while Patton (as we see in Moving On) handles emotional connections to memories. I like the idea that Logan doesn’t experience those same emotional associations when looking back on the past, which is part of why the whole concept of nostalgia is so foreign to him, and why he struggles with identifying and naming his feelings.

Original Ask Game Here (Send Me A Character!)

[the-goofball]

Raffi Musiker...

...and how she became Picard’s First Officer.

Excerpt from ‘The Last Best Hope’ by Una McCormack

[...]On-screen, the woman said, "My name is Lieutenant Commander Raffi Musiker, and I'm an intelligence specialist at Romulan Affairs. As you're aware, we've been tracking some odd communications from Romulan space in recent weeks - odd even by Romulan standards."

Listening to Musiker, Picard found himself taking a liking to her. She had a faintly disreputable air, a plesant change from the smooth operatives that Starfleet Intelligence usually fielded. Her frankness was refreshing, as was the fact that she was clearly not daunted by the grandeur of her audience. Most of all, she was on top of her briefing. A question came about the reliability of their sources, which was dispatched with confidence and ease. Then another question came about the range of the blast from the supernova, and here she stopped and took a moment to collect herself.

"What I want to say is, that these calculations are a worst-case scenario. This implies that effects in climate change are already being felt. Sometime in 2387. I'll show you that first. Because it might make the best-case scenario less damn frightening."

Picard leaned over to Clancy. "What was her name again?" "Raffi Musiker," said Clancy. "Lieutenant Commander Raffi Musiker."[...]

Hours later Picard talks to Beverly Crusher via com:

[...]"Can I offer you some free advice?" she said.

"Of course, Beverly. Of course."

"Put someone right next to you who isn't scared of you."

"Scared--?"

"You're quite... now, let me get this right. Not intimidating... not severe... huh. That's it. You can be quite certain of yourself. And that can stop people from telling you things that you need to know."

"Certain of myself?"

That half-smile again. "Don't get me wrong! With good reason. Most of the time. But you're only human like the rest of us. You make mistakes. And you need someone there who's able to tell you when that's happening."[...]

.

[…]Lieutenant Commander Raffi Musiker, when asked to wait for a senior officer, did not generally sit patiently in a chair, and she saw no reason to do so for a legend either. She stood outside the admiral’s office, bouncing up and down ever so slightly on her heels, ready for action.[…]

[…]Raffi mentally ran through her presentation one more time. The instruction to see the admiral had been brief, courteous, and not particularly informative as to the purpose of the meeting. She knew, from superiors and colleagues, the impact of her presentation and so she assumed she was here to give a direct one to the man himself and answer any questions he might have. Then back to her desk at Romulan Affairs. Only now she would have met a legend. Gabe, her son, was dying to hear about him. Mom’s job was mostly that thing that meant she didn’t always make his soccer matches, but every so often she managed to deliver something incredibly cool, like this.[…]

(And because I couldn’t decide what to leave out, there’s a bit more under the cut.)

[…]The admiral closed the screen, rose from his chair, and came to greet her. The legend, come to life. She had the edge on him when it came to height, but he moved with a commanding grace. “Commander,” he said, “thank you for making the time to see me today.” His voice was measured, cadenced; the kind of voice, she suspected, that you could not help but listen to, and then do exactly what was requested.

“Happy to supply whatever you need, sir.” She looked around the room for an audience that wasn’t there. Didn’t he have a senior staff in place yet? “Are we meeting here?”

He gestured to two comfortable seats in the corner of the room, where teapot and cups stood waiting on a low table. “Take a seat. Tea?”

“Sure, thanks.” Raffi sat, uneasy in the easy chair, putting padds on the floor beside her, and then leaning forward, palms on her knees. He took the chair opposite, smiled disarmingly, and poured tea. “I assumed I was giving a presentation this morning, sir.” She sipped her tea. What the hell was this stuff? It tasted of goddamned perfume. Was it too late to ask for coffee?

“I’ve watched your presentation half a dozen times now,” he said. “It’s insightful, informative, and precise. I was very impressed.”

Hey Gabe, wait till you hear what the Great Man said about Mom. “Thank you, sir.”

“Could you tell me, please, from your perspective as an expert on Romulan affairs, what you believe our chief difficulty will be in Starfleet’s dealings with them?”

He didn’t waste time, did he? Raffi took a breath. “Opposition, sir,” she said. “Believe it or not, they are not happy that Starfleet is devoting so much time, energy, and resources to helping them. They are hating all this. They hate that we know they’re in trouble, and they hate accepting help. They won’t want to lose face.”

“I understand. What else?”

“And even if they’re united on this, they’ll be divided among themselves about what to do with us. Some will want to accept our help for a while. Some will try to make it impossible for us to function. Others might try to get rid of us—”

“By force?”

“By subterfuge, more likely. Secretly, so that half of them won’t know whether it’s a sanctioned operation or not. The saying in our office goes that Romulans don’t tell their left hand what their right hand is doing.”

The admiral nodded. Yes, he recognized that.

“That makes them inconsistent and unpredictable,” Raffi said. “Not to mention damn annoying. They’ll say one thing and do another, and they won’t even know themselves what their real policy is toward us. Expect the unexpected, sir.”

“I see. Would it help at all, Commander, if I approached Ambassador Spock and had him petition the Senate to instruct cooperation with this mission?”

“Excuse me, sir? How would that help?”

He looked surprised. “The ambassador surely commands considerable respect—”

Raffi laughed out loud. “Spock? They think he’s a nutcase!”

His eyes opened wide. Shit, she thought, me and my big mouth. She had a vision of herself, explaining to Gabe: No, the admiral hated me, and that’s why I’m being court-martialed… Hold on. Was he… smiling? “Sorry, sir,” she said quickly. “No, I wouldn’t advise that. Ambassador Spock’s mission to Romulus may look very laudable to us, but from the Romulan perspective he and his supporters are outliers. Reunification of Romulus and Vulcan? Hey, when I was a kid, I wanted a unicorn. With wings. I didn’t get one. I didn’t even get a damn pony—”

“A personal mission of peace, the ambassador calls it.”

“Well, the Romulans consider it very personal. Almost…” She scraped around for a word that wouldn’t offend. “Um. Idiosyncratic?”

“In other words, they think he’s a crank.” He was most definitely smiling. “Carry on talking so frankly to me, Commander,” he said, “and we shall get along very well. Very well indeed.”

The door buzzer sounded. He called out, “Come.” Kaul came in.

“Apologies for the interruption, sir, but you asked me to let you know immediately when the ship was ready for you.”

“Ah, yes, thank you, Kaul! Yes, I’ll be on my way shortly.” He turned back to Raffi. “The Starship Verity has been assigned to lead the first fleet out to Romulan space. A nice name, don’t you think?”

“Sure…?”

“ ‘A true principle, especially one of fundamental significance.’ ” He looked pleased. “I believe that remembering such things will be crucial to the success of our undertaking. Above all, we are on a mission to protect, preserve, and save lives.”

Raffi nodded, faintly. This meeting was not going in the slightest how she had anticipated. No presentation. He said he’d already watched it half a dozen times. He clearly didn’t want it in person. For some reason they were now discussing eternal verities. She was a simple intelligence officer, maybe turned a mite suspicious by having to think like a Romulan twenty-four hours a day. She wasn’t any kind of philosopher. Why was she here?

“Lieutenant Kaul,” added Picard conversationally, “was on staff here before even I was. Seconded from Admiral Bordson’s office. Their loss has been my gain. She’ll be vital to operations here on Earth.”

There it was again, that extraneous information, as if giving her a picture of the setup here.

“Sir,” said Raffi, “may I ask you something?”

“By all means,” said the Great Man. “You must always feel you can speak freely to me.”

She’d never had any superior officer say that to her. Sometimes quite the contrary.

“This isn’t a briefing, is it?” said Raffi. “This is an interview.”

“That’s correct, Commander. My apologies if I kept my cards close to my chest, but I wanted to see how you answered my questions face-to-face.” He sipped some of his revolting tea. “You’ve answered them most satisfactorily.”

“Which means…?”

“Which means I’d like you as my XO.”

She put down her cup with a rattle. Tea spilled. “Shit!”

His mouth twitched. “I sincerely hope not. Most certainly we have some difficult times ahead. More difficult than either of us can imagine.”

She turned and looked out through the transparent aluminum partition into the busy office. All those people, dashing about, putting the nuts and bolts of this mission together, building this operation from data, information, decisions, actions. Sure, it was easy to take the piss out of the padd pushers, but nothing could happen without them. Working out what was needed, where it could be found, how to get it all to the right place at the right time. She had no idea how to do this… She took a breath. How do you say “no” to a legend?

“Sir,” she said, “I’m not an administrator.”

He blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“I mean, this is a flattering offer, sir, I hope you understand that. Truly flattering. But an operation like this?” She gestured to the room beyond. “I’m not cut out for this kind of work. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

She saw understanding dawn in his eyes. “Ah, there has been a misunderstanding. I have a very able administrator arriving to head up the office here on Earth, Commander Crystal Gbowee. She’s on her way from Starbase 192 as we speak. She’s worked with the UFPHCR coordinating numerous missions— she was on Bajor for a while after the Occupation, and on Cardassia Prime during the reconstruction effort there. Once she arrives, I shall move over to the fleet. This mission must get underway, and soon.” He glanced out across the busy room. “No, the appointment here is filled, I’m afraid. I’m sorry if that’s a disappointment.”

His eyes were quietly twinkling with suppressed mirth. No, of course he didn’t want her here. She’d be no damn good here, would she?

“Then—”

He leaned forward in his seat, held her eye, very serious now. “I’m asking you to come aboard my ship, Commander. Be my first officer on the Verity. But I’m asking more than that, and I think you know it. I have left my crew behind on the Enterprise. I must replace them, and if I am to succeed, I need an excellent XO. And what I require above all from my XOs is honesty. I shall need you always to tell me the truth. What do you say? Is that something you believe that you could do?”

Shit, she thought, and managed not to say it out loud this time. No, this was not what she’d been expecting when she’d walked into this room.

“It’s a big decision,” he was saying. “There may be all manner of ties keeping you here on Earth…”

Gabe had a soccer match next week. She’d missed the last one putting together that damn presentation. “When does the ship leave?”

“Six days.”

So she could make Gabe’s match. But there would be the next match, or the match after, the long months away, the individual seconds and moments of simply being present that were tiny for her, but that constituted the whole of Gabe’s life, his childhood.

“I…” Damn, she wanted this post. She could do this job. She was made to do this job. She’d known the second she walked into this room that she wanted to work with this man in some way. But she’d never imagined she would be offered this. Right hand to a legend. Right in the middle of the greatest operation that Starfleet would ever mount.

He was smiling at her. “Would you like to see the ship, Commander? The Verity? You’d be spending a lot of time there, after all. You can make your decision after that.”

“Yes,” she said, already knowing what her decision would be. “I’d love to see the ship.”

[halothenthehorns]

TLTNL- A PECK OF OWLS

You guys don't understand how happy it makes me to see continued support for this!

 HPHPHPHP

Harry still had a ton of questions, like the confirmation that Mrs. Figg was an Order member so what she could be doing hovering around him his whole life, and more details on this Mundungus and what he could be doing, and honestly a million other things about the Order, as well as the still problematic question of what on Earth those Dementors had been doing around there.

Yet when Harry hesitated in flipping to his chapter and looking at them hopefully, he knew full well they all knew what he was silently asking for, and none of them answered, he gave in and began his chapter. He was confident if they had any more idea than him they'd have said something, and he was right.

Harry asked what she meant, and Mrs. Figg burst out that he'd left to go buy some batch of cauldrons!

Sirius had to bite down on his tongue hard to stop himself asking what Mundungus had been doing there? What was the big deal if he had left? Figg was acting like that was the cause of the dementor attack, but that wasn't really making a lot of sense. However, it was still clear as day no one in here knew what was going on either, so they were hoping for a little more info and a lot less cat talk soon from this lady.

She'd told him not to do it, and look what happened! It was a good thing she'd had Mr. Tibbles watching Harry!

Harry blinked as a random memory resurfaced of that cat streaking away from the car, the very same one?

She reminded they couldn't just stand here all night though and barked at Harry to get a move on, reminding how much trouble this was going to cause, and shouting that she was going to kill him!

Harry tried to grasp this, trying to wrap his mind around his batty cat obsessed neighbor knowing of Dementors.

"You don't seem that surprised now," Remus pointed out at Harry's mostly annoyed face, he had a feeling he'd be seeing a lot of that for a while.

"I've been suspecting it since you guys mentioned her," he shrugged, "it just felt right."

  He stammered out that she was a witch, but she corrected only a Squib. Which that Mundungus knew full well, and he'd still left Harry all alone.

"Why was I being followed?" The outrage finally burst out of him despite being unsurprised when they all looked as shocked as him at the news.

It was his mum though who nodded first and admitted, "honestly, I can see it though. We were groaning that Dumbledore sent you there unprotected, well maybe he does have the Order keeping an eye on you. At least now we know what that noise was, and there isn't even worse things around you."

Harry just looked at her in disbelief that she was considering this a good thing while he still scowled, "without telling me? I've been wasting away there for a month, and not one of them could have bothered passing me along a scrap of anything." He managed without much difficulty not to shoot a look at his godfather, he could already feel Sirius was just as unhappy about something as Harry and he assumed it was the same thing. Sirius wouldn't hide something like this from him.

Lily just leaned back into James shaking her head for an answer, she clearly couldn't say anything to Harry right now to make him even see this as slightly a good thing like she could, and none of the boys were helping as they looked as peeved as Harry at the idea he'd been followed without his knowledge, even by their side.

Harry understood that it must have been this Mundungus who'd Disapparated from his house earlier making that noise, which Mrs. Figg hastily agreed Mr. Tibbles had warned her of when that happened.

"Err," Harry began in confusion which temporarily derailed his anger as he recalled, "I remember Sirius could kind of sort of talk to Crookshanks while he was a dog, but..." he trailed off in confusion hoping someone would explain this.

"Well remember we said how highly intelligent kneazles were, and that Mrs. Figg breeds them for a living," Remus shrugged. "She's clearly kept her own litter and trained them to do her dirty work."

"I got that," Harry nodded, "but warned her?"

"Probably just gave the cat instructions come back with a twig or something and that means Harry's in trouble," James shrugged.

She finished with a groan of what Dumbledore was going to say of all this, before turning on Dudley, still on the ground, and snapping at his fat bottom to get a move on!

"It's nice to finally hear someone talk to Dudley like that other than Hagrid," Sirius nodded to himself.

Harry could do nothing but stare at her as he asked she knew Dumbledore?

She snapped back of course she did, everyone did, before telling Harry to get his butt in gear as well, they had to get back to the house. She'd be no use if the dementors came back, she'd never so much as Transfigured a teabag.

"Neither have I, now that I think about it," Sirius acknowledged, receiving a smack from Remus for that random input.

She stooped down, seized one of Dudley's massive arms in her wizened hands and tugged,

Lily blinked in surprise as it first registered how badly Dudley had reacted to this whole instance. Yes Muggles were heard to have a worst time of it around dementors, but Dudley seemed to have full blown passed out, what had he seen? That spoiled little boy who'd never been told no in his life, surely the memory of what Hagrid had done to him wouldn't be this bad. She didn't bring it up though, in fact honestly disregarding the matter as whatever it was she'd probably never get an answer for and she was far more concerned hearing about what happened to her own son.

while snapping at his useless rump to get up!

Remus nodded to what Sirius had said, that was like music to his ears hearing someone actually say the words to Dudley.

Dudley either would not, or could not move, remaining on the ground with his hands still over his mouth.

Harry just sighed he'd deal with it, bending down and heaving one of Dudley's arms over his shoulders.

"You'll break your back," James gaped at his son with certainty.

Harry merely shrugged, he was well used to physical labor and while Dudley was probably the heaviest thing he'd had to carry at the Dursleys, he hadn't been able to find it in himself to leave him there for the dementors.

It took all his effort to get Dudley to his feet, and his cousin was of no help as his eyes continued to roll uselessly in their sockets.

All Mrs. Figg did was shout at them to hurry up!

"She's just being no help," Lily murmured with concern, understanding Mrs. Figg was stressed and trying to get Harry to safety but continuing to yell at him wasn't doing any good.

Harry may as well have been hauling bricks as he got Dudley moving behind the spritely woman trotting ahead in carpet slippers, who still occasionally glanced back at the boys and kept snapping at Harry not to put his wand away. The Statute of Secrecy wasn't a concern now, there was going to be hell to pay anyway.

Harry suddenly shivered, he just knew Mrs. Figg was entirely right about that and something worse than dementors was fixing to loom over him because of tonight's events.

They might as well be hanged for a dragon as an egg.

Remus managed a small smile to himself, he always laughed whenever he heard wizards rephrasing muggle sayings, like this one was a favorite of his mother's who always said, 'we might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb,' when moving from one town to the next with her burden of a child after his oddities nearly got them caught again.

This had been exactly what Dumbledore had been afraid would happen, then she spotted someone far down the street, but muttered to herself it was just Mr. Prentice.

"I'd still consider that a bad thing," James muttered, "it would be odd for any muggle to see Harry's wand."

Lily smiled where James couldn't see, honestly thinking that muggle would find this whole scenario odd but Mrs. Figg was still right, he could write this off however he pleased, Harry needed to keep his protection up.

It wasn't easy to lug his cousin around while keeping his wand steady, but Dudley was refusing any independent movement, his feet dragging at his side the only help along.

Sirius scoffed in disgust. If Dudley managed to get Harry hurt while he tried to protect him, that boy was going to be in even more hot water than before, pity be damned.

Between gasping breaths, Harry demanded of his old babysitter why she'd never told him what she was?

"That's actually a fair point," James huffed, "not just this summer, but ever. Harry was miserable growing up, and no matter what you didn't tell her it was as obvious as could be."

Harry was looking down at the next sentence in answer to his dad's question with a rising sense of hurt blocking his throat off. He'd always trusted Dumbledore, couldn't remember a time where he'd really questioned his headmaster, and this was his reward? As everyone continued staring at him expectantly when no one had a good answer for James, Harry had to clear his throat hard around a block and got out.

She told it was because of Dumbledore's orders.

While the others all groaned and grumbled as that seemed to be a far to frequent thing, Remus rolled his eyes at them and said, "well at this point it's not surprising at least. He did say he wanted Harry to grow up away from that fame, what sense would it make to allow Figg to tell him anyways."

No one particularly appreciated the reminder, but they stopped gripping about the innocent old lady for now at least.

She did apologize for his miserable time at her place though, but if the Dursleys had thought he'd enjoyed it she couldn't have done her job of helping to look after him.

Lily still couldn't stop a nasty scowl for that, she still had reasons to dislike Mrs. Figg for this alone. Indulging in the Dursley's treatment of making Harry's life miserable when she should have been doing something to help her son! At the very least encouraged Harry to lie to the Dursleys when he went back while she was a friend to him!

She switched back to speaking of what Dumbledore was going to do when he heard, murmuring to herself of all the trouble this was going to cause and how he needed to know as soon as possible, but there was no way to tell him.

Harry offered she could use his owl.

"You'd need something faster than that," James disagreed with a sigh, his ire for Dumbledore not quite pushing out his usefulness with power right about now, Harry really could get in trouble with the Ministry for this magic until things were all said and done, and a calm voice like Dumbledore would be helpful. "I'd recommend Floo travel, but you haven't got any."

"An honest oversight on your part for another quick getaway," Sirius sighed, "but I suppose you could always hail The Knight Bus again."

"Still not fast enough unless you bribed them to bump you ahead of everyone," Remus reminded while Lily cleared her throat to cut them off.

She told that wasn't fast enough, he needed to know now, the Ministry already did.

Harry asked what the big deal even was, he'd only used magic to get rid of Dementors, surely they'd be more concerned finding out what they were doing around here.

"Well yes, after you explain why you had to use the magic," Lily reminded. "For now, all they're going to know is that you used that Charm, and they're going to try and make another note of it, something that you don't need in your life right now with how angry Fudge was last seen with you."

Harry gave an uneasy frown at his mother, he had a bad feeling not all was going to go as she said.

She began to explain to him that it was far more complicated than that, then broke off and screamed to the heavens she was going to kill that Mundungus Fletcher!

"And you have my blessing," Remus agreed wholeheartedly.

There was another crack same as before, and this time came with it the smell of stale tobacco, with someone pulling off an invisibility cloak revealing a squat man with unruly ginger hair and bloodshot eyes.

"Sounds like he hasn't changed much," Sirius rolled his eyes in contempt for the thief he'd once found an amusing friend. Sirius could still manage to be annoyed Harry had been followed by him, and still be angry Mundungus hadn't been doing his job right all at the same time.

He looked blearily from Figg to Harry, asking what had happened to them staying undercover?

"Well someone had to step in and make sure he was alright," Lily sneered while her eyes flickered to Remus and away sadly. She was honestly hoping that he might have taken up this job, at least if he or Sirius had been around Harry in Privet Drive they'd see more of what happened there and would have stepped in. Clearly not though, if this was Mundungus' regular job than that old codger wouldn't care a lick or even take notice of such things.

She shrieked what the problem was at him!

He just gaped at her as he repeated Dementors, here?

"No, in Merry Old London!" James grumbled, wanting to give Mundungus a good whack now himself.

She repeated yes here, while calling him a useless pile of bat droppings.

Sirius couldn't help cracking an honest grin though, speaking his mind as usual, "you know, despite my annoyance at her for Harry's sake, I can't help but decide I like the old broad. Anyone who can throw around these kinds of insults is good in my book."

"You should come around her place for cake some time then," Harry snorted.

"Nah, not if it still smells like cabbages," Sirius crinkled his nose in remembered disgust, "but she can certainly come around mine."

She began berating him verbally for what he'd been off doing when he should have been here to stop it. Mundungus tried to protest it had been a very good deal-

"A business deal is better to do than looking after my son?" Lily asked of no in here dangerously, but suddenly making all the boys realize Mundungus was lucky if Mrs. Figg was the only angry woman he had to deal with.

Mrs. Figg raised the arm from which her string bag dangled and whacked Mundungus around the face and neck with it;

Sirius felt a bark of laughter escape him, if he'd had any questions before they were gone now, he liked her.

judging by the clanking noise it made it was full of cat food.

Causing all of the boys to join in, even Harry came easily out of his foul mood to chuckle along at the mental imagery.

She began whacking him unrelenting as she told it was his job to go and tell this to Dumbledore, and why he hadn't been here to help, punctuating every word with another swing.

"Oh how I wish we could sit in on that conversation," James' shoulders kept shaking so hard he was making Lily twitch in his lap with her own laughter she was trying to suppress.

Mundungus was left a cowering mess away from her, promising it would be done as he vanished with another crack.

She swore she hoped Dumbledore killed that one!

"That would ruin my fun though," Sirius said in chipper enough tones, but it was still very clear he meant it. Lily wasn't the only one who was angry Harry's looking after wasn't being handled by someone who wasn't this old idiot who'd run off and leave Harry like that.

Then she beckoned to Harry to hurry up again, asking what he was waiting around for.

"He was enjoying the show of watching you beat up the guy," Remus pointed out like that was obvious.

"That would give anyone a pause," James agreed.

Harry didn't waste breath pointing out he could hardly keep moving much longer, Dudley was surely cracking his spine as he shuffled along.

Privet Drive came into view, Mrs. Figg still muttering to herself about what a catastrophe this was, and how it had been exactly their job to stop Harry doing magic at all costs.

"Just what would they have done if I'd gotten bored and really left myself?" Harry demanded.

"Been able to warn Dumbledore faster I suppose," Lily shrugged, as honestly she agreed with him, his being watched just didn't seem that useful if they were just supposed to be stopping him from using magic. She'd been thinking it was more to do with further protection in the Muggle area, but if that's all Dumbledore's endgame had been than it was an even worse idea than originally thought.

Harry managed to pant that Dumbledore had been having him followed all summer?

She agreed it was obvious, did he really think Dumbledore would let Harry Potter be on his own after last June?

"Well it sure bloody felt like it," Harry grumbled, still fare more annoyed by the whole instance than everyone else it seemed who'd moved on to being annoyed by this Mundungus. Harry did admit though there was something irksome about the man as well he was having trouble placing feelings on, which usually meant a memory not yet returned he shouldn't be prodding at.

She finally got him to the door, before telling him that someone would be in touch shortly.

"For once," Harry rolled his eyes, causing all of them to raise a brow at him. He seemed to have turned into a belligerent teen overnight, which almost would have been funny if it wasn't so depressing to watch. They still agreed with him, he had been left alone all summer, and if this was really the thing to kick him into the action where his friends were, it was really sad.

Harry asked what she was going to do, and she merely said go home, casting one more shaky look into the shadows.

"The poor dear," Lily couldn't help but worry. Harry's safety was far more important, but she still wished there were someone there to walk the woman home.

She then marched off despite Harry's protests that he wanted to know-

"Everything," he finished dejectedly as he could already see her in his mind's eye spinning away and trotting off up the street like he hadn't even spoken.

it was too late, she was already vanishing with her bag of cat food clanging away and carpet slippers flopping about.

"She sure is a sight," Sirius gave one last happy smile which would likely be the last for hours. Harry was back at the Dursleys place, and couple together his earlier commentary with those horrid people and how he was arriving at the door with Dudley, no one needed much intuition to know this wasn't going to go well.

Grumbling under his breath in disappointment it would have been nice to have a chat with anyone who was in contact with Dumbledore, he knew there was nothing for it as he turned to the door and rang the bell, finally tucking away his wand.

"Why would you ring the doorbell?" Remus asked while Lily whispered to James what that was. "You do by all technicalities live there, that's why you're bleeding there." The old bloodlust was already creeping back into his tone of imagining Vernon answering the door and attacking Harry at once. "Just march in there, dump Dudley on the couch and be done with your night."

Harry just shrugged as answer, he really couldn't find it in himself to explain he'd never entered that house without knocking first, it's not like he'd ever felt welcomed there, let alone ever been given a key if it had been locked. Then he remembered the last time he hadn't answered in his full thought process, and not wanting to do anything to have his dad so angry at him again, he told them that.

Again, no one hardly seemed pleased at his truth, but he was happy to see at least James smile at him for the effort it clearly took him to say that.

Petunia's shadow emerged with her voice already speaking of how she'd been getting worried, but she trailed off in fear when she saw her son's green face.

Harry took a look at his cousin, and realized what was about to happen a second before he did, only just managing to duck out of the way as Dudley vomited on the doorstep.

"Lovely," they all noted, while some irony warred with pity. Harry had vomited in this room from the stress of reliving his worst memories, now here he was watching Dudley do the same. If this had been any other person other than someone with their last name, they knew they would have been very concerned indeed for Dudley's circumstances. Now all they were really doing was picturing an amusing mental image of watching Petunia be forced to clean that up, though in all honesty it would probably be Harry instead.

She began screaming in concern at once, drawing Vernon's attention while both parents began fawning over their son to demand what was wrong, had he been drinking foreign tea?

Lily had to press her fingers firmly to her lips as she remembered that ridiculous lie Dudley had told his parents, though if that's what they ended up believing she really couldn't bring herself to care one way or another. Though it would further put some amusing spin in that the cure to this would be for Dudley to eat chocolate, something strictly against that diet he might still be on.

Then Vernon noticed he was covered in dirt, and asked if he'd been on the ground? Had he been mugged?

Remus cocked his head to the side as he tried to force himself to see this as a Muggle would, but even then he couldn't picture anyone stupid enough to be trying to rob such a wall like Dudley at any stage of his life.

Petunia began screeching the police needed to be phoned while both parents started shuffling Dudley towards the kitchen. Harry began trying to make his way to the stairs while no one noticed him.

"I might actually enjoy the rest of your summer if they go on some wild doxie chase," Sirius snorted, picturing Vernon trying to go after a dementor and vividly enjoying that imagery much more than he ever would have considered possible.

Dudley began trying to mouth some sort of explanation, and finally managed to force out the word, 'him.'

Harry's foot froze in place as he braced himself for the explosion.

James's mouth snapped open in outrage at once to know just what kind of explosion, but Harry was still reading on calmly, if subdued now like he was accepting his fate to the gallows. Least he wasn't tensed for a fight, yet.

Vernon shouted at the top of his lungs that moment for the boy to come in there!

Harry really wasn't screaming all that loud, but they all knew it wasn't meant to be kind either. Of course now that they thought about it, Dudley probably did think Harry had done all of that to him. Even now knowing the extent of what the Dursleys would presumably do to Harry in retaliation, they all still tensed in preparation for it to happen with mounting fear. Harry really shouldn't have put his wand away when he'd gotten to this house.

Forcing one foot in front of the other, Harry entered to find the three in a panicky mess, Vernon advancing on him at once as he demanded to know of Harry what he'd done to Dudley!

"Clearly nothing of lasting impact," Sirius muttered sourly, "otherwise he wouldn't still be walking."

"With the way he was talking to Harry right before this happened, he really should consider that a blessing," Remus agreed.

Harry said he'd done nothing, even knowing he wouldn't be believed.

"Then why do you bother?" Lily rolled her eyes in disgust.

"The conversation goes by faster if I pretend to follow along while Vernon makes up his own assumptions," Harry shrugged.

Petunia ignored him entirely, turning to her Diddy and asking what Harry had done. Had he used his thing?

"They really do make us all sound like some disease," Remus curled up his lip as she phrased it like that.

It seemed to take every last drop of Dudley's efforts to nod.

Harry still yelped he hadn't while Vernon came forward with a raised fist.

Harry watched in fascination as everyone around him flinched and paled all over again to what he found a fairly common sight. He still didn't think divulging Vernon's physical treatment of him had helped anything, the opposite as it seemed to make all their fears of the man ramp up to their highest degree, but he couldn't take it back now and seemed to decide the best way to soothe them was to read past the moment. He had every confidence at least Vernon wouldn't lay a hand on him now, hopefully he'd get that through to them eventually.

Before anymore could be done, an owl came flying in through the window, dropped a note at Harry's feet, and soared right back out.

"Considering that could have been from any number of people, I can't say I'm thrilled Harry's finally getting more mail," Remus rolled his eyes.

Vernon switched anger to bellowing rage about those pestilent birds!

"Hedwig better watch her little feathers," Lily muttered protectively, her hands still clasped tightly inside of James'.

Harry paid this no mind as he ripped open the official looking letter, finding it from the Ministry saying they had received intelligence,

"I wish," Sirius huffed under his breath.

of Harry's Patronus Charm. As this was not his first breach of the Decree, he was now expelled from Hogwarts.

Harry heard those around him screech so loudly, he was sure it ruptured an eardrum. He however just stared blankly down at the pages. He wanted to believe with everything he had that he would never have to leave Hogwarts before he had to, but there really was some great looming gap in the distance promising he would indeed be missing from his school for quite some time. It wasn't really because he'd been kicked out, right? Dumbledore would never let them keep him out, but Dumbledore wasn't -

"Harry!"

Harry shook himself hard, managing to push the pain back out of the forefront of his mind and offer up a weak smile to those around him. "Sorry, just really freaked me out is all, they wouldn't really expel me would they? You guys said it takes a few instances of these getting me even up to the Ministry and how rare it was, and this was only my second offense. Plus," he continued, switching from fear to anger as he pressed on, "they haven't even heard my side of it, how come they can just go and expel me whenever they feel like? Why-"

"Harry," Sirius repeated just a touch more calmly than his godson who was quickly driving himself into a frenzy. "I am positive everything's going to be fine, the Ministry doesn't even have the power to expel you from school so I don't even know what they're thinking with that. All they can do is fine you, warn you, and remind you not to use magic outside of school." When none of the color still returned to Harry's face, Sirius persisted in a forced more amused tone, "besides, if Dumbledore put up with us for all those years there's no way he'd have you leaving the place without a fight. As Headmaster, even if you are expelled, he can always chose to enroll you." He finished with a triumphant little smirk.

Harry managed a pleased enough smile for Sirius, though something in him lingered as he turned away, like maybe he should have left school for just this year, something to do with Sirius needing him far more or- he forced himself to cut off that time as his brain was beginning to feel cooked from too much thinking ahead.

Ministry representatives would be calling at his place shortly to destroy his wand.

Harry still couldn't stop his mouth sagging open in horror for that bit! There was no way he was losing his wand to anyone!

"But they can't do that," Lily fired up in protest. "They aren't allowed to do a thing to you until after the charges are proven, and you're allowed to give a reason of why you did the magic before it hits this level!"

Lily's rendition of the laws didn't seem to have gone in one bit of Harry's conscious, so she took a deep breath and tried something else instead.

"It's going to be fine love," Lily promised her shivering son at once. She hesitated, hating having to say so, but then promised, "it may not be the same, but honestly you can get another one." The suggestion felt cruel, like her cat had just died and someone told her to just replace him with another one right away, but the assurance that he could still have access to magical protection when he was let back into school had to be of some comfort.

For a few moments more Harry could do nothing but gape in shock at the realization his wand was still going to be broken, but his hand crept into his pocket now and closed tight around the phoenix core which gave him enough hope to continue on that hopefully this would never be a permanent fear.

He would have to make an official appearance at the Ministry at 9 a. m. on the twelfth of August.

"That's the only part of the bleeding letter that makes any sense," James rolled his eyes in disgust, though even that wasn't known to happen until after the third strike, this was all very extreme.

There was a sign off hoping for his health,

Sirius scoffed in annoyance at the pleasantries, no one would be doing very well by the end of that letter.

Then the bottom part of who had written it, the office, etc.

Harry reread the letter with mounting fear. He was expelled!

None of them could stand watching Harry be like this now, without a word of comfort any of them could offer. Even Sirius had claim to another home in the Potter's manor outside of Hogwarts, none of them could grasp how it must feel to only find one place on earth safe. He wouldn't even feel right at The Burrow anymore, watching everyone around him still being in school.

His brain was having trouble processing past that, but one thing did become more clear. He had to run, now. He could not let anyone destroy his wand.

"Not that I ever really consider leaving that place a bad idea," Remus shrugged, "but just where do you think you're going again?"

"Hadn't got that far," Harry sighed, some lingering hope trailing in him hoping he wouldn't have to, something would happen so he'd never have to go that far.

Without a word Harry turned as if to leave, but Vernon blocked his path at once, still demanding to know what had happened to his son!

It took a moment for Lily to realize she wasn't the only one trembling with fury at the way he continued to speak to their son, James still seemed likely at any given moment to resume his frenzied anger to get out of here and end Vernon's life if he kept treating Harry like this after he'd put his hands on their boy.

Harry ignored this and instead pulled his wand, promising he'd hex Vernon if he didn't move.

Vernon denied the threat, saying that madhouse of his school forbade it.

Harry told that madhouse had chucked him out!

Sirius shook his head sadly as he thought of all the insane things Harry had been up to lately, and how madhouse may actually apply to his old school in some terms with the way Harry's years went there.

He could do whatever he pleased now!

Before he could continue with the threat, there was a crack, and though Vernon ducked,

"If only," Harry sighed in honest disappointment, dispelling at once the hope that had lit everyone else Harry had actually cursed that buffoon.

for the third time that night Harry was searching for the source of a disturbance he had not made.

"Three times in one day really does have to be some kind of record," James shook his head at this.

It was another owl that had crashed into the window, and when Harry sprinted over to open it, the owl delivered the message to Harry which turned out to be a hastily scrawled note from Mr. Weasley promising Dumbledore had arrived to sort this out, not to leave the house, surrender his wand, or do more magic!

Harry paused after he'd finished with this, his head cocked to the side as he asked the others, "does that sound a little off to anyone else? Don't do more magic but don't surrender my wand, how am I supposed to do both?"

"Talk them down obviously," Sirius rolled his eyes, "offer them a cup of tea and have a nice chat before they destroy your link to magic, works like a charm."

Remus gave him an absent nudge while he honestly pondered the question. "My best solution would honestly be your original plan though, better to avoid the fight and make a run for it. Arthur's intentions are good, but you really don't have many options until this all cools down."

"Here's hoping I send him that next," Sirius sighed in agreement.

Harry hummed in silent concurrence and went back to reading instead of the internal struggle he felt kicking inside of him. At the point of his fifteen year old life, he honestly trusted Arthur more than Remus, maybe not Sirius, but as of now it was hard to decide whose advice he'd take more...

Harry stared hard at the words, that Dumbledore was fixing this. How much power did his headmaster have over the Ministry of Magic?

"Guess it depends on the branch you're talking about," Lily sighed. "He really does have a lot of influence even without the actual titles to back anything up, it honestly wouldn't surprise me if he could turn this whole thing around before the nights even up."

Harry did finally start breathing easier at that news, he had full confidence his mother was right about that at least.

Harry still didn't understand how he was supposed to not give up his wand while still not doing magic. He'd have to duel someone from the Ministry, possibly getting him thrown into Azkaban.

"You really love that extreme punishment don't you?" Sirius shivered in disgust. "Resisting arrest is a big offense I'll admit, but they won't haul you into Azkaban for that alone. They have a few holding places in the Ministry you'd be left in until your trial, and the chances of you getting off lessen by a ton if you fight, but you're never going near that place Harry."

"Same for you," Harry reminded at once as he couldn't help but relax back as he felt the truth of Sirius' words.

Sirius gave Harry a confident smile back while rolling his eyes at his friends own pleased looks.

Still it was a comfort that Dumbledore was working to fix this, he'd sorted out worse.

"Like what?" James snorted, "that you know of anyway."

"He came back after the Ministry kicked him out of Hogwarts," Harry reminded of his second year, "I guess this hardly felt like as big a deal as a student."

Lily shook her head fondly at Harry's logic, but didn't correct him if it would keep him from panicking.

Aloud Harry announced he'd changed his mind, he was staying, flopping into a chair across from Dudley to all of the astounded faces around him.

"They don't have the benefit of hearing your train of thought," Remus chuckled, "otherwise I'm sure anyone would have been confused by that."

Vernon demanded who all of these owls were from?

Harry answered in order,

Harry could feel the interruption coming of, again, why he bothered answering these ever rude people, but he could already feel his own mind's logic acknowledging what he was sure would pop up.

thinking to himself it was quieter to answer rather than continued yelling on Vernon's part, and he now needed to listen for those Ministry officials.

"Well I guess," James grumbled under his breath, though he'd still rather Vernon's throat just be removed, that would be quietest of all.

Vernon barked in surprise there was a Ministry of Magic? His kind of people in government! This actually made sense, no wonder the country was going to the dogs!

Lily's face puckered with dislike, but she honestly wasn't even that bothered, this was the least insulting thing he'd said about her life of late. James decided he'd ask later what his government had anything to do with canines, he didn't care enough right now.

Then Vernon switched back to Harry, demanding to know why he was expelled?

Harry began to explain he'd done magic, but Vernon cut him off with a roar of triumph he had done something to Dudley!

"It really is impossible for that ignoramus to hear more than one thing isn't it?" Remus rubbed at his temple at the mere thought of trying to speak to this man, rather than leaving him alone with James which was the worst punishment possible.

Harry again protested that wasn't his fault, but then Dudley forced out more words, the two parents silencing Harry at once.

Harry just sighed, he honestly had no idea why he even bothered, he'd never had a voice in that house, least of all when Dudley was speaking.

Dudley began to explain everything had gone dark, and he'd heard voices in his head.

That brought all the boys up short in surprise as it occurred to them for the first time, Sirius voicing, "wonder just what he heard?"

"The worst thing we know that happened to him was Hagrid giving him a tail," Lily remained with a careless shrug, "and as that shouldn't have really caused this, I can't think of anything."

Harry sat there mulling it over for a moment, and said without a trace of confidence, "I know I never ask Dudley so this is me guessing, but I like to think he's finally just getting some comeuppance and hearing all the kids he's always bullied."

"Why would that be a bad memory?" Remus scoffed, "he'd preen at the idea of all his victims."

"If the thought bothered him that much, he'd have stopped being what he was ages ago," James agreed.

Harry still tried to give his reason, "after he met someone who could take him on, Hagrid, I actually never saw him keep bullying people again though. Sure he still beat up kids, but it was always a quick blow to prove his point and then he'd leave his gang to finish. I don't know, maybe Hagrid giving Dudley a tail also forced him to grow a conscience."

"I don't really buy that," Sirius rolled his eyes, "but I don't really care either as it's about Dudley. So you think what you like pup, I'd rather hear about you not getting expelled."

Harry clearly wasn't convincing anyone else, so let the matter go.*

Vernon and Petunia exchanged a horrified look at this. Their least favorite thing in the world, outside of people besides them who misused their hosepipe privileges,

"I thought you said Vernon had told all that he was above doing such things," Remus rolled his eyes.

"I thought so to," Harry shrugged, before reminding them, "but I guess that one was above me, I didn't actually write these you know."

was people who heard voices. They obviously thought Dudley was losing his mind.

"Points for irony," Sirius chuckled maliciously. If that was the worst thing they could do to the Dursley's, he was positive he could manage that.

Petunia managed to ask Dudley what exactly he'd heard, but Dudley seemed too horrified to answer.

Harry stared at his cousin curiously as he wondered just what his spoiled cousin's worst memory would be?

"Whatever it was won't have any more of a lasting impact than that stupid tail," Lily muttered in disgust, honestly thinking the Dursleys were never going to get the retribution they deserved and it would never not fire her right back up.

Vernon whispered while asking his son why he'd fallen over, his tone that of speaking to the ill.

All five of them blinked at the oddity of that sentence, not one of them ever having thought of Vernon as a maternal person, and that was a genuinely human moment. Which only managed to make their loathing for him stay at a simmering level, managing this for Dudley and still able to act how he did towards Harry.

Dudley tried to explain the rest, but couldn't get out the part of how the dementors had made him feel, which Harry supplied.

Vernon rounded back on Harry, coming to the conclusion Harry had put some spell on his son to make him hear voices and be eternally miserable!

"That would be an interesting spell," Remus couldn't help a twisted little smile. "Someone should look into the properties of how to harness a dementor's powers and channel it into one."

"I'm sure if they did, we wouldn't even need those bloody beasts round Azkaban anymore," Lily agreed in honest curiosity, "the magic would keep them subdued if imbedded right." She had a few more ideas lingering in her head at the thought of this, but neither of them continued as despite Sirius examining his knuckles and blatantly ignoring them, no one could notice he was starting to lose color again at the topic, so Harry quickly moved on.

Harry was starting to lose his temper as he exploded he'd been trying to tell them, that wasn't him, it was the Dementors!

Vernon of course had no idea what that was, and Harry repeated the creature's name back slowly and clearly.

"I'm convinced that's the only way he can understand anything," James huffed.

He demanded what those were, and it was Petunia who answered they guarded the wizard prison Azkaban.

Harry couldn't help but pause there and just gaped down at the words, then looking up and around to see everyone else just as surprised.

Lily snapped out of it first, heated disgust bleeding into her tone, "why am I not surprised that of everything she would have heard me mention of my world, that's the thing she'll claim knowledge of after all these years. A place she was probably hoping I'd go at some point."

"Don't say that Lily Flower," James whispered behind her, trying to hid another violent shiver of his own. He couldn't even bare the idea of Sirius being in that place, his hands convulsed around his wife at the notion of the same fate befalling her.

Lily patted his hand absentmindedly while Harry collected himself enough to go on, though something of this explanation felt a little curved still. His mum wasn't entirely wrong of why Petunia knew this, but not entirely correct either.

It only took a second for the woman to realize what she'd said, than her hands flew to her mouth as if she'd just uttered a swear word.

Harry demanded to know how she knew that?

"I honestly forget sometimes you two are related," Harry sighed, even picturing the woman in his head she looked nothing like his mother.

"I wish we weren't now," Lily grumbled lowly.

Petunia hardly seemed aware she was answering him as she stated she'd heard that awful boy mentioning this years ago.

"What's this?" Harry asked curiously.

Lily sighed, casting a look at the Marauders, before admitting, "She's talking about Snape. She caught us one time talking about them."

She was expecting more than a few snide comments from the boys about her long ago friendship, but unbelievably none of them said a word, except for James, who simply said, "Thanks Lils, cause that was really confusing. I thought she meant me for a second, and the one time I met her, we didn't exactly have a conversation about this."

Lily all but beamed at her husband for showing any restraint and not making some crack about her childhood spent with him.

Harry snapped if she meant his parents, she could use their names.

"While you were only half right, she still wouldn't have bothered," Sirius uttered tersely, he hadn't forgotten the anger he'd felt when he'd learned Harry hadn't even known his own parents names because of these bleeding people, all the injustices they'd done to his pup would never leave his mind.

Vernon seemed speechless that his wife had offered this up to the conversation, and was now clearly struggling to find words.

None of them bothered to smother their mean laughter. It was nice to see Vernon struck dumb for even a moment, though they'd rather he'd just been struck, they'd take it.

He finally managed to ask his wife that these Dementywhatsits were real then?

She only nodded.

He then glanced from her to Dudley like he was expecting one of them to shout April Fool's at him.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Remus sneered, "this is the most I've heard him squirm this whole time, you won't find any of us putting a stop to it anytime soon."

No more could be said before another owl arrived through the again open window, and Vernon was temporarily saved from the conversation by stomping back to the window and closing it again.

"He does remember those can get into the house from other than windows, yes?" James scoffed of no one.

It was another letter from the Ministry, retracting all previous statements but the one stating when the hearing would be, until then he should consider himself in suspension from school.

"I don't understand," Lily ran her hand through her hair in utter frustration of having to say that. "Dumbledore should have gone up there and pointed the laws into whatever idiots faces approved of this in the first place and the whole thing should have been redacted. Why this continued farce of a hearing?"

Something of what Sirius had said in the last book lingered in Harry's mind, 'the whole show had been so everyone could see how much he hated the boy.' Harry somehow felt that wasn't too far off the mark for what was fixing to happen to him, but he didn't think using his godfather's quote would make the pain any less if he tried to offer up a suggestion for his future so instead chose to say nothing to his mother's rhetorical question.

Harry felt himself breathing easier at once, even if everything did hang on this hearing on the twelfth.

"At this point it's a bleeding miracle it wasn't set for Halloween," James grumbled under his breath, "then we know he'd get the book."

Vernon barked at Harry what this one was about? Did his lot have a death sentence?

Harry heard a few splutters of angered disgust around him, but at this point they couldn't really be surprised Vernon would wish for such a thing so Harry ignored them.

Harry just said what he'd read, and Vernon decided he wouldn't give up hope then.

James really couldn't seem to stop a snarl of outrage drowning out Harry's words for a moment, but he looked up at his dad in exasperation which did nothing to curb his mood but Harry still kept going.

Harry tried to leave for his room now, aching to write a letter to his friends or Sirius.

"I wonder if we even know," Sirius' face fell another few inches as some resentment of Arthur nagged at him. He was doing far more to help Harry than Sirius ever could, he was lucky if he'd even find out before the trial was said and done.

Vernon shouted at once Harry was to sit back down and tell what had happened to Dudley!

Harry lost his temper and shouted he'd been trying, while sparks flew out of his wand and all three flinched.

"As they should be," Sirius muttered pitifully, all this trouble and Harry hadn't even used a curse on his intended target, instead he was being punished for saving these useless lumps on his existence.

He recounted the whole event, finally, but Vernon still demanded what those Dementoids are?

Remus couldn't help snorting in a bit of amusement at Vernon calling them the wrong thing. Whether intentionally or he just hadn't grasped the name yet, both still showed his continued levels of idiotics, which were at their extream to begin with.

Harry briefly explained them, and their most powerful ability, to Kiss you.

Vernon's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he parroted that.

"He actually manages to make the term even worse," Sirius couldn't help but blanch as he leaned just a bit further into the couch.

Harry told that was what it was called when they went for a soul.

Petunia began screeching in fear as she clasped hold of his son, demanding to know if he still had his!

"Thanks to Harry," Lily sniffed, knowing no Dursley would ever do it, but Harry deserved to hear, "which by the way, you're owed a thanks for love. So I'll say it for them, it was right what you did for him no matter whether he deserved it or not, so thank you."

Harry just gave an absent shrug in answer. He hadn't exactly stood around and had a moral quandary over whether he should or not, he'd just reacted. His mum was right though, no one in that house was going to say this, and it still managed to touch him she'd considered giving it to him.

She seized Dudley by the shoulders and shook him, as though testing to see whether she could hear his soul rattling around inside.

James narrowed his eyes at nothing as he tried to picture something so stupid happening, but he was coming up short.

Harry just sighed of course he did, you could tell if he hadn't.

Sirius couldn't stop a violent convulsion as he forced every last bit of his mind not to think of that.

Vernon loudly stated it had been Dudley fighting them off, with the mad appearance of a man dragging the conversation back to a plane he could comprehend.

"Sorry we can't drag this down into single syllables only," Remus rolled his eyes.

Dudley had given them the ol' one-two.

"Now that would have been interesting to see," James snorted in disgust at the idea.

Harry rolled his eyes at the idea, telling that wasn't possible.

Vernon demanded why he was alright then?

Harry really did have to fight down the compulsion to stop himself giving a very sarcastic reply of, 'oh you're welcome by the way. If I get expelled from Hogwarts just remember what for!'

Harry started to say the charm he'd used, but another owl arrived just then down the chimney, leading Vernon to start ripping at his mustache in frustration, something he hadn't done in years.

"I'm just getting all kinds of flashbacks to your first year," Lily offered a crooked smile.

Harry ignored his continued rant about the birds as he took the new letter, and he was so convinced this one was from Dumbledore explaining everything, that for the first time in his life he was disappointed to see Sirius' handwriting.

"Now that hurt!" Sirius yelped at once, considering he'd just felt the exact opposite. He was jubilant he was even involved enough in this mess to be passing Harry any messages along.

Harry just grumbled inarticulately for a moment before commenting, "how are all these owls even getting to me so fast? Normal owl post isn't that fast, these are taking minutes."

"Well the Ministry has a way to speed owls along to their destination, they get special charms placed on them to fly them along faster than should be possible, though they never use it on the same bird twice as that could be lethal to them, and of course they have to fly back on their own to just become department memo owls after that." She realized she was getting off track and quickly retraced, "Arthur could be using the same of course, though I'm not sure how Sirius managed it," she finished with a curious look at him.

"I might have Floo'd it there," Sirius shrugged, "it did mention it fell out of the fireplace. Don't know how I know honestly, but that's all I got."

It was only two sentences. Arthur had passed along word of what happened to us, and don't leave the house.

"Us?" Remus asked hopefully while everyone else in confusion.

Harry ignored that and asked petulantly, "does everyone know what's going on besides me?"

"They just haven't gotten a chance yet Harry, everyone's scrambling around to find out what happened, then I'm sure someone will tell you what they've found." Lily said with absolute confidence. Whatever motives Dumbledore had before in keeping Harry out of the loop, surely they wouldn't still apply now that it was made perfectly clear Harry wasn't remotely safe by any means at that place.

Harry didn't look very convinced, but he seemed to believe enough he kept going.

Harry found this such an inadequate response to everything that had happened tonight that he turned the piece of parchment over, looking for the rest of the letter, but there was nothing else.

James normally would have snorted with laughter, as Sirius was far more known for sending paragraphs worth of letters full of everything he was thinking during his summer holidays. It only managed to sober James up all the more though that he hadn't once seen this of his Sirius again, this was more of this after Azkaban Sirius acting like Arthur when he'd agreed with Remus earlier, and it really freaked him out.

Now his temper was peaking. Wasn't anyone going to tell him well done for handling this on his own?

"I didn't realize you wanted acknowledgement for that," Remus mocked while beginning to raise his hands in applause, "let me fix-"

Harry blatantly ignored him while reading loudly, they knew full well that wasn't what he meant. He knew everyone knew he could handle a dementor, it was the other part that was rankling him.

Both Mr. Weasley and Sirius were acting as though he'd misbehaved, and were saving their tellings-off until they could ascertain how much damage had been done.

"Hey," Sirius pouted again, wondering why Harry was taking so many digs at him when he was just trying to help, "I'm doing no such thing."

"Sure felt that way to me," Harry huffed without looking up.

Vernon was still vocally abusing the delivery system, complaining about the peck of owls treating his home like a nesting ground.

Harry snapped back he couldn't stop the owls coming.

"I wouldn't want to either," Harry grumbled for himself.

Vernon turned attention back on Harry, asking how those Demenders had gone away then?

Harry told of the Patronus Charm he'd used to send them off.

Then Vernon asked why Dementoids had been here?!

"He's successfully managed to say that a different way three times now," Lily rolled her eyes, "he is clearly doing it on purpose."

Harry admitted he had no clue, which Vernon responded with snapping that it was somehow all the boy's fault.

"Well that we can't actually agree on," James groaned while letting his head fall against Lily's shoulder for agreeing with that man about something. Lily patted the wild hair with sympathy, a contemplative look on her face as she still wanted an answer to that as well. It really didn't seem in Voldemort's style to have done this, not after the show he'd made about being the one to kill Harry, surely he'd be sticking with that and sending creatures to do his bidding was above that rule, could make Voldemort look weak. A random attack then? More unlikely than Voldemort, but there weren't any other possibilities.

His uncle's had been a good question though, Harry truly had not a clue why those Dementors were here.

Lily quickly explained all that she'd just been thinking, and no one disagreed with her, none of it really made sense.

Vernon kept his attention by demanding these Demembers guarded some prison?

"I'm honestly curious now just how many times he can butcher that," Remus muttered absently.

It was now a strain for Harry to just agree to that, he wanted to escape to his dark room, to be alone to think.

"Harry, you're feeling alright now, yes?" Lily quickly asked in concern as he just kept mentioning how much his head hurt and if he needed a quiet moment-

"I'm fine," Harry quickly assured. "I certainly remember my head feeling like it was going to cave in any moment, but I promise if it was bothering me that much now you'd know."

Lily wasn't entirely sure of that, as he'd gotten well at smothering his pain in front of them to stop them worrying, but she also trusted that he would excuse himself if he really needed it.

Vernon then came to the assumption that they'd been coming to arrest Harry, with the triumphant air of a man reaching an unassailable conclusion.

"Those are the only conclusions he can come to, his own," James scoffed.

Harry was on the run from the law!

"I'm fairly confident when you're on the run, you don't hang around your own house," Sirius snorted in disbelief.

"Though it's some logic if you know Harry well," James reminded with an odd smirk at his friend.

Remus chuckled lightly while Harry was left wondering why he was feeling like he missed a joke, but he didn't bother to ask as he was almost done with this head splitting night.

Harry rolled his eyes that of course he wasn't, and that Voldemort must have sent them.

"I don't blame you for coming to that conclusion," Remus sighed, "it just doesn't make sense with his previous history with you. Plus, why now, after all those months alone, what could have changed?"

"Maybe we just didn't get to hear the switch, and something did change making Voldemort want Harry out of the way right now instead of doing it himself," Sirius said uneasily. "I'm not entirely ruling it out."

Harry said nothing for their argument, he could just feel the real answer hadn't even been theorized yet.

Harry took a moment to register how odd it was that despite the Dursley's flinching at such words as wizard and magic, they didn't so much as twitch at the name Voldemort.

"That is indeed an interesting flip of dynamics," Lily rolled her eyes, not finding it nearly interesting enough she wasn't still planning on disemboweling them.

Vernon's eyes narrowed as he thought back to where he'd heard that name, as the man who'd murdered Harry's parents.

"Because this is always a fun topic," James muttered under his breath, while Lily snuggled a bit more into his lap.

Vernon impatiently reminded that he was gone, without a trace of his tone suggesting this might be a sore topic for Harry to be discussing his parents murderer.

Remus could feel his jaw working furiously to hold back a retort to that while Sirius couldn't muster up quite the same restraint and voiced several colorful sentences under his breath, but both were working furiously to keep it that low in lieu of the shouting that would only make Lily, James, and Harry grow even more pale.

Harry merely answered he was back.

The oddity of the moment struck Harry again that he was sitting in this kitchen, speaking about Voldemort to the Dursleys.

"When you put it like that, it really does sound ridiculous," Lily agreed absently as she began twirling a bit of hair around a finger, her mind clearly not all in this topic anymore.

The arrival of the Dementors in Little Whinging seemed to have breached the great divide that had blocked the non-magical world of Privet Drive and his own.

"Almost makes me wish dementors had popped up sooner," Harry murmured to himself, anything other than that dull lifestyle he'd been forced to suffer through.

"While normally I can agree boredom is to be avoided at all costs," Sirius nodded, "I'd think you'd at least appreciate some of the quiet time considering last year."

"I'll take a dragon over Privet Drive," Harry reminded to Sirius' shivered disgust.

Harry's two lives had merged into one, and his head continued to throb more painfully than ever.

Despite Harry reading that in as bland a tone as he could to reinforce he wasn't feeling that now, much, he could still see Lily twitching in the corner of his eye and fighting the impulse to come check on him, so he infused his voice with a touch of warmth as he continued.

It was Petunia who spoke first, repeating he was back in a terrified whisper?

Harry looked curiously at her, and for the first time in his life appreciated the fact that she was Lily's sister though they looked nothing alike, she alone understood what this meant.

Lily was suddenly astonished at the well of hurt that was now trying to climb her throat. She'd never forgive Petunia for the way she'd treated Harry, but what her son had just witnessed in her sister's eyes was what Lily kept picturing of her old Tuny. It's why it hurt so much to envision this shrew treating her Hare Bare like this. She had to clear her throat hard to get rid of a sudden lump, and brushed Harry impatiently on when he tried to break off.

Vernon kept center stage as he demanded this Voldything was back?

"You know, I think I like that better than calling him Riddle," Remus snorted.

"I won't have it," Sirius sneered, "I won't be indulging anything Vernon comes up with."

He was sending Dismembers after Harry?

"He's actually getting farther away from the word every time," James arched a brow.

"That one may have been funny if they actually dismembered you," Sirius snorted.

Vernon's face settled then, and he barked at Harry to get out!

Harry blinked spastically down at the pages like he thought his glasses were playing tricks on him. He'd always hated it there and never been shy of saying so, but he'd also never considered the possibility of truly being kicked out like this.

"Honestly though, I think I'm impressed this has never happened before," James' face was turning an ugly red color as what had been said really registered. "He clearly despises you, why hasn't he done something before to get rid of you permanently?"

"Don't know," Harry shrugged, though he could tell it wasn't really meant as an actual question. "Not like I've ever asked him."

"I'm almost happy about this," Sirius groaned, "least now you'll never have to deal with them again. You can come do whatever I am without anyone really protesting, since clearly you won't be making an appearance at the Burrow anytime soon." He hadn't meant to sound so bitter while he'd said that, but the outrage that Dumbledore was trying to keep Harry there really was pushing his buttons, and now the irony was that wouldn't even be an option any longer, to which he was grateful for.

Harry just sat there in shock while Vernon suddenly began listing every single thing Harry had ever done to their life, including that flying Ford Anglia.

"I'm impressed he noticed what kind of car it was," Remus rolled his eyes at the odd detail.

Now some loony was after Harry! Vernon wasn't having it, he wouldn't let the boy put his family in danger like this, Harry was to get OUT!

Harry read that in an almost despondent way. He could actually see Vernon's logic, and while he'd never cared before this night about the Dursley's well being...he could see the point. Anyone around him was a danger if Voldemort realized that...

Harry stood rooted to the spot. The letters from the Ministry, Mr. Weasley and Sirius were all crushed in his left hand.

"I swear I got more mail in that one night than I did all summer," Harry rolled his eyes to dispel his train of thought. No need for anyone around him now to realize what he'd been thinking.

They'd all warned the same thing, not to leave the house!

Vernon clearly didn't care though, as he leaned right into Harry's face and hissed it again.

Harry shuffled uncomfortably at so many hateful glares in his direction even if they were aimed at the book, but after Vernon's attack earlier he couldn't blame them for their reactions, he just quickly read past it.

Vernon wished he'd never had to bother taking Harry in to begin with, he should have gone straight to an orphanage!

Lily honestly still questioned that. Why take in a child you had no love for? She'd honestly been pondering that question while she'd watched James have his meltdown, and she could come to no real conclusion. There was just no way you could raise an infant without love, the care it took to nurse them. Which meant that all this must have started when Harry would show his first signs of magic and their fear would begin, but how long had that taken? Long enough that they'd had him and had no more excuse to be rid of him? She still honestly wished Harry had been left at an orphanage rather than that cruel childhood he had dealt with at the hands of her extended family.

They'd been too damn soft on him, thought they could squash that freakish stuff out.

"So, ah, what exactly does that mean?" James asked hesitantly, not wanting to break a clearly open bit of honesty in his son when it came to these people.

Harry gave him a loaded look, then shrugged and said, "Suppose it just meant keep me as miserable as possible. I've now honestly told you the worst of it, if you really want me to sit around and in detail recount every time of it then we're going to be here all week. Like I could remember every stinking instance anyways."

That wasn't exactly comforting, neither the blunt honesty or the fact that this was so common place he'd lost count.

His tyrant was cut off by the arrival of another owl.

It too fell from the chimney, and circled the room near Petunia, who shrieked in fright and tried to cover her face.

James laughed softly under his breath as he imagined the bird attacking her, then rounding on Vernon. It wasn't the justice he wanted for what they'd done to his son over the years, but a few scratches wouldn't kill them either.

The owl dropped the red envelope on her head, turned, and flew straight back up the chimney.

"Err," everyone muttered in surprise. That was a Howler, and that bird wouldn't have dropped it in front of her if it was meant for Harry...

Harry had to give himself a kick before he could move on, everyone else was so stunned they hadn't even collected themselves yet.

Harry made to grab it away, but she'd already scoped it up and was watching it fearfully.

Harry just said she could try and hide it, but he'd hear it anyways, that was a Howler.

Vernon at once told his wife to drop that, it could be dangerous!

"A letter?" Remus demanded, coming around enough to continue laughing at these idiots. "He doesn't even know what that is, and he just assumes it's dangerous."

"Honestly though, that's safe when encountering anything magical," Harry shrugged back.

Petunia couldn't get over her shock enough to unfold it, still staring at the ink clear as day addressing it to her.

Harry still urged her to open it, and she still refused.

"Like that's ever stopped a Howler," Sirius snorted as he rubbed his ears in absent remembrance.

She had no choice in the matter though, as it burst into flames just as she dropped it, and the shouting voice that filled the kitchen was so loud it echoed unfamiliarly the words 'remember my last.'

"Who on earth..." but James' voice failed before he could get out the whole question.

"Who's last what?" Remus snatched the book away from Harry like he thought he was holding out on them.

"I, have no clue." Harry couldn't stop blinking, like that would make the surprise any less.

Lily broke first, and she flipped straight to anger. "Who the bloody hell is she in magical contact with to be receiving anything like that! She can not have spent any amount of time harassing you for doing the same when she's been doing this for any length of time!"

"You didn't see her face," Harry shook his head in bewilderment. "I promise, she has no more idea than we do who this is from."

"Is there some other Petunia out there with the exact same address," Remus raised a disbelieving brow, "because owl post does not get confused easily."

Harry kept staring at the letter a moment longer, but as the silence rang he forced himself to go on. There was just nothing to speculate, nothing at all to guess at. This was by far one of the randomest things they could have come across.

Everyone just sat there gaping at Petunia for what this could mean, but it was she who collected herself first, turning to her husband and telling him the boy would have to stay.

"She what!?" They were all entirely sure they'd heard that wrong. Petunia had no reason in the world to argue with Vernon, least of all about Harry. This clearly must have something to do with the letter she'd just received...which only made it all the more mind boggling! This was beyond frustrating to every one of them, they had yet to come across a problem they couldn't begin to speculate about because there were just no possible options!

Harry watched them all in a stumped and fuming silence, before sighing heavily and finishing.

Vernon tried to protest, but Petunia gave a list of reasons such as the neighbors would notice if he left for good.

"I'll buy that as soon as I do a Nimbus," Remus rolled his eyes.

Vernon was deflating like an old tire, still trying to say this was a bad idea, but Petunia ignored him now and snapped at Harry to get to his room.

"There's what we've been missing," Sirius rolled his eyes testily at the return of the Dursleys they knew and hated. He almost preferred the ones that were insulting dementors and talking about Snivellus.

Harry didn't move as he demanded who that Howler had been from?

"If she actually answered you, I might take back one of my death threats," James scowled at the book.

Petunia at once snapped at him not to ask questions.

Lily winced with renewed hate at the reminder of that hated ingrain she'd put into her son, that had taken him so long to open up to them or anyone.

Harry persisted, but she merely repeated herself until Vernon shouted at the top of his lungs for Harry to listen and get out!

"That's done," Harry sighed as he passed the book to Remus.

"I think I'm honestly relieved," he sighed as he stared down dauntingly at the next page. "That argument was turning circular, clearly they weren't going to answer you, but certainly credit for continued trying."

"I still can't believe we haven't got a clue what any of that was about," Sirius huffed, feeling ever more frustrated they'd just started this one and they already had a pile of questions with no answers in sight.

HPHPHPHP

*In answer, JK has said that Dudley heard the screams of all his victims hit him all at once and that's what changed him. I dismissed this in the characters as what he heard though because I'm not sure if that ever made sense, after all he'd have heard them screaming while he was bullying and surely just laughed it off. If the noise bothered him so much he would have simply found reasons long before now to stop bullying. However as I've never really come up with anything else I'm leaving it open ended for fan theories which I so love.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Written In The Stars XCI (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: I'd missed this silly goose! tho the actors in hp for some reason look way older so he looks like a baby but pls imagine Erick like this older-looking student bc he should look that way jdhfd -Danny

Words: 2,195

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Chapter Twenty-Six: Talk it out.

"Hagrid!" Hermione shouted. "Hagrid, that's enough! We know you're in there! Nobody cares if your mum was a giantess, Hagrid! You can't let that foul Skeeter woman do this to you! Hagrid, get out here, you're just being —" The door opened. "About t — !" Hermione froze when she found Dumbledore there instead of their friend.

"Good afternoon," he said.

"We — er — we wanted to see Hagrid."

"Yes, I surmised as much," He said in amusement. "Why don't you come in?"

"Oh... um... okay."

Hagrid was sitting at the table, there were two mugs of tea. For the looks of it, he'd been crying.

"Hi, Hagrid," said Harry.

" 'Lo," he said lowly.

"More tea, I think," said Dumbledore, and with the flick of his wand, a tea tray appeared. "Did you by any chance hear what Miss Granger was shouting, Hagrid? Hermione, Mel, Harry, and Ron still seem to want to know you, judging by the way they were attempting to break down the door."

"Of course we still want to know you!" Harry said. "You don't think anything that Skeeter cow — sorry, Professor..."

"I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry," said Dumbledore, looking up to the ceiling with interest.

"Er — right... I just meant — Hagrid, how could you think we'd care what that — woman — wrote about you?" Hagrid cried silently, two huge tears falling down his beard.

"Oh, Hagrid, don't cry!" Mel's hand went to rest above his, looking almost comically small.

"Living proof of what I've been telling you, Hagrid," said Dumbledore. "I have shown you the letters from the countless parents who remember you from their own days here, telling me in no uncertain terms that if I sacked you, they would have something to say about it —"

"Not all of 'em," said Hagrid. "Not all of 'em wan' me ter stay."

"Really, Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time. Not a week has passed since I became headmaster of this school when I haven't had at least one owl complaining about the way I run it. But what should I do? Barricade myself in my study and refuse to talk to anybody?"

"Yeh — yeh're not half-giant!"

"Hagrid, look what I've got for relatives!" Harry said in disbelief. "Look at the Dursleys!"

"An excellent point," said Dumbledore. "My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practising inappropriate charms on a goat. It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I'm not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery..."

Mel looked at her uncle knowing that there was certainly more he could say about their family, but she remained quiet.

"Come back and teach, Hagrid," said Hermione, "please come back, we really miss you."

"I refuse to accept your resignation, Hagrid, and I expect you back at work on Monday," said Dumbledore, standing up to leave. "You will join me for breakfast at eight-thirty in the Great Hall. No excuses. Good afternoon to you all."

When the Headmaster left the cabin, Hagrid sobbed for real, hiding his face behind both hands.

"Great man, Dumbledore... great man..."

"Yeah, he is," said Ron. "Can I have one of these cakes, Hagrid?"

"Help yerself," said Hagrid. "Ar, he's righ', o' course — yeh're all righ'... I bin stupid... my ol' dad woulda bin ashamed o' the way I've bin behavin'... Never shown you a picture of my old dad, have I? Here..."

Hagrid got up, went over to his dresser, opened a drawer, and pulled out a picture of a short wizard with Hagrid's crinkled black eyes, beaming as he sat on top of Hagrid's shoulder. Hagrid was a good seven or eight feet tall, judging by the apple tree beside him, but his face was beardless, young, round, and smooth — he looked hardly older than eleven.

"Tha' was taken jus' after I got inter Hogwarts," Hagrid croaked. "Dad was dead chuffed... thought I migh' not be a wizard, see, 'cos me mum... well, anyway. 'Course, I never was great shakes at magic, really... but at least he never saw me expelled. Died, see, in me second year...

"Dumbledore was the one who stuck up for me after Dad went. Got me the gamekeeper job... trusts people, he does. Gives 'em second chances... tha's what sets him apar' from other heads, see. He'll accept anyone at Hogwarts, s'long as they've got the talent. Knows people can turn out okay even if their families weren'... well... all tha' respectable. But some don' understand that. There's some who'd always hold it against yeh... there's some who'd even pretend they just had big bones rather than stand up an' say — I am what I am, an' I'm not ashamed. 'Never be ashamed,' my ol' dad used ter say, 'there's some who'll hold it against you, but they're not worth botherin' with.' An' he was right. I've bin an idiot. I'm not botherin' with her no more, I promise yeh that. Big bones... I'll give her big bones."

The kids shared nervous glances, but Hagrid kept talking without waiting for a reply.

"Yeh know wha', Harry? When I firs' met you, you reminded me o' me a bit. Mum an' Dad gone, an' you was feelin' like yeh wouldn' fit in at Hogwarts, remember? Not sure yeh were really up to it... an' now look at yeh, Harry! School champion! Yeh know what I'd love, Harry? I'd love yeh ter win, I really would. It'd show 'em all... yeh don' have ter be pureblood ter do it. Yeh don' have ter be ashamed of what yeh are. It'd show 'em Dumbledore's the one who's got it righ', lettin' anyone in as long as they can do magic. How you doin' with that egg, Harry?"

"Great," said Harry shakily. "Really great."

"Tha's my boy... you show 'em, Harry, you show 'em. Beat'em all..."

"But if it doesn't turn out as expected," Mel was quick to add. "Know that we are all proud of you as well, Hagrid. We love you very much."

"I'll follow Cedric's advice," Harry told her quietly before going to bed that night.

"Blimey, all it took was a crying Hagrid..." Mel raised her eyebrows. "Want help?"

"No," He replied. "Dunno... I'll let you know."

"All right," She sighed. "Good luck."

She had an important matter to attend that day in private and it could only be between her and Erick. She used the pocket watch he'd given her and informed him that she wanted to talk. On Monday, both students met at the far end of the library, Mel had no idea where to start.

"I won't apologize for what I said the other day, I know you hate it when I do that," She began, "but you're hiding something and I would like to know what it is, maybe I can help you?"

She was expecting many reactions, all except the one she got. Erick let out a long sigh and picked out of his bag one of the books she'd lent him.

"Persuasion?" Mel raised a brow.

"I take that you've read it?" He asked.

"I love it," She smiled at it. "The main character's name is Anne, right?"

"Yes," Erick shook his head. "The story... It made me think– What if I'm making a mistake?"

"What d'you mean?"

"What if I don't like Anne the way I think I do?" He elaborated. "I wrote and she wrote back every week, we never ran out of things to say, but the last week before going to my grandad's house she said something that... What if I just like her because she's the complete opposite of what my parents want?"

"I feel like those are unrelated, I'm not sure I follow," Mel frowned. "Since when you've been having doubts?"

"Since Anne and I started to talk more this summer. It's not exactly that I have doubts, I mean, I know I feel something, I just don't know what."

"I don't think there's a reasoning behind the people we like," She retorted. "...Right?"

"If there's no reasoning, then I guess it's all right, but if I'm supposed to have one... I don't have it. I can't tell why I like her."

"Well, you think she's pretty?"

"Yeah," Erick moved on his place awkwardly. "Although I think other girls are pretty too, and I could even get along with them as I do with Anne. If you were to ask me why I'm interested in her, I wouldn't know."

"But that's normal," Mel tried to calm him. "Love has no logic, that doesn't mean is bad?"

"Listen," He put a finger on the book and pointed harshly. "If I just like her because she's pretty and fun then it wouldn't be bad... Yet I think I'm around her because I know it'd make my parents mad, when I'm here, at school, I don't worry about her... I do wonder, but is not constant."

"So? I don't think about Harry all day."

"Aren't I supposed to be dying of solitude when I'm away from her? Maybe this is just a lie I tell myself so I feel like a normal guy, maybe I'm incapable of falling in love and Anne is just my excuse to be a bad son..."

There was a piece of paper coming out of the book, she took it without thinking. Erick kept rambling without looking at what she was doing and her eyes skimmed through the letter. The seams were so worn out that she could tell the boy had read it several times.

"Anne likes someone else..." She said quietly.

Erick's eyes landed on the piece of paper his face turned pale. "Give me that."

"His name's Stuart and he's nice...'" Mel read out loud. "Her boyfriend?"

"No," He said, seizing the letter. "He could be... but she's waiting."

"Waiting?"

"For me."

"And you don't want to say anything," Mel said slowly, "because you're not sure?"

"I can't be with her," Erick said with difficulty. "Not yet... I have two more years of school, even then I don't know when I'll be able to leave my parents' house..."

"But you like her."

"My parents won't approve."

"You don't have to tell them."

"I can't do that!" He said. "Imagine that Harry's parents were alive and they hated everything about you. That every time they see you they'd throw nasty remarks your way, and then Harry'd be out in the street with no money and without being able to give you a good life, imagine you're from two different worlds and nothing you have to offer can get him out trouble..."

"I think... I think we'd both be in pain all the time," Mel said quietly, "...Is that how you feel?"

"That's what will happen if I do the wrong thing," Erick ran a hand through his hair, ruining his neat curls. "I'd love to send a letter telling her everything... but we're young, I wasn't expecting things to move as fast as they did... she's great, she really is, but she doesn't even know I'm a wizard. There are too many secrets and I just think Anne deserves better. Maybe Stuart can do better."

"I think that in a way, you're right," Mel pushed the book towards him. "But I've seen you read and learn, get rid of so many prejudices just to meet her, not even knowing if she'd like you back... that has to mean something."

Erick supported his head in one hand, rubbing his forehead. "All I know is that if I pull her away from this boy without telling her everything... I'll end up ruining one of the best things that have ever happened to me."

"Then?" She frowned. "You're going to... you're just going to leave her?"

Erick swallowed the lump in his throat. "I want her to choose him... I'm not around anyway, I could even mention the ball and Daphne just to... to make her think..."

"You're gonna hurt her," She told him, not in a reproachful tone, but one that had to be said. "I guess this is the gentlest way you can do it... and it's not forever, right? I mean, if everything goes as planned, eventually you'll be able to try. It's meant to be."

"Meant to be?" He chuckled bitterly. "You sound too sure."

"I am," She responded sincerely. "You and Anne will end up together... just like Harry and me, if I'm lucky enough."

Erick gave her a look, a tiny smile on his lips. "Warming up to the idea then?"

"I've been too hard on myself and Harry," She shrugged. "I think life can be a fairytale if we do what we're meant to do."

"How are we supposed to know what that is?"

"Fate will find a way," Mel got up and patted his shoulder. "Just don't lose hope..."

Next Chapter —>

Taglist.

@dee123ksha​ @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @kylosleftbuttcheek @reverse-hxlland @bloodorangemoonlight @omiwashere​ @t-rexs-world

[rebelscum-2187]

So after nearly 22 years of life on this planet, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am high functioning autistic. I believe I fell through the cracks of an early diagnosis for the following reasons:

1.) I am Female (I learned how to mask myself very early on)

2.) I have a gifted IQ (above 130) and was classified as such in 4th grade so no one considered that I could be both ASD and intellectually gifted.

I am in the beginning stages of unmasking and am currently seeking an official diagnosis. Right now, I’m trying to write down everything I know about my neurodivergent experience so here’s a list of things I’ve experienced and believe to be relevant. If you can relate or you understand please comment and share! I’m new to this community and it feels so good to finally meet people who understand and can relate. Ok, Here we go.

“So the general population doesn’t memorize scripts to movies or watch the same one every day for a year?”

“People think it’s weird that I prefer to have subtitles on when I watch stuff, even though I don’t have damaged hearing”

“I watch movies with subtitles because I won’t understand what’s said if I don’t read it. I have no hearing issues.”

“I cannot hear/understand someone if I have one ear bud in and one out. Too much sensory input at once.”

“I thought I had a hearing deficit because I literally could not understand people at church or parties or other places with a lot of background noise, and I was so confused when they told me my hearing was normal.”

“I love star wars. Not just love but I could tell you what planet each character is from and what kind of ship they use, what model droid that one is and I will gladly talk about it all day if you let me. Everyone now gets me Star Wars stuff for my birthday and holidays”

“Eye contact is so uncomfortable for me that sometimes it ‘burns’ to maintain it, but then I overcompensate and stare too intensely. Over the years, being female, I’ve forced myself to make eye contact for a certain number of seconds and then look away a certain number of seconds but I’m concentrating so hard on that, that I don’t remember anything that was said to me.”

“Giving me verbal directions is a special kind of hell. I need it written down.”

“I can memorize pictures of things and exactly where every kid sat in my 10th grade US history class as well as my 9th grade geometry class.”

“I never fit in anywhere, in my childhood, most of my adolescence, except the swim team and my new church.”

“Team sports are the worst. I can’t communicate fast enough, I’m bad with hand eye coordination and keeping track of a ball. I excelled in individual sports and fell in love with swimming.”

“I often found it much easier to make friends with older kids because I could have intelligent conversations with them and their good social skills could make up for my lack of social skills.”

“But, I had a few friends that were considerably younger who I could still play imaginatively with dolls when I was 13 and one particular friend was 9. I had a lot of trouble getting a long with her sister who was the same age as me.”

“It physically pains me to hear someone mispronounce a word, spell something wrong, or make a grammatical mistake. I corrected my cousin A LOT when we were kids, she frequently got mad and I couldn’t understand why. My grandma would tell me to stop because correcting people is rude.”

“One of my special interests as a kid was dolphins. I was 5-6 years old and I remember being so excited when my mom let me check out like 10 books from the library and I read them quickly and multiple times.”

“I corrected a teacher one time about dolphins. She said dolphins weren’t whales and I knew FOR A FACT that ‘dolphins were a type of small whale’ because I read it in one of my books. She laughed at me and so did the rest of the class and I felt stupid even though I was right. This led to me suppressing my knowledge and real self and ultimately more masking.”

“As per that last one, my memory is impeccable.”

“I had another special interest in dogs when I got a bit older. My mom bought me a book with every kind of breed of dog, where they came from, their temperament, their size, everything. I can still, to this day, tell you the breed of dog just by looking at it.”

“I always wanted a best friend but never had one. I had groups of friends but never someone who would call me their best friend. When I got a boyfriend in high school, I was so excited because he called me his best friend and he was mine and I finally had that feeling reciprocated. He also had a gifted IQ and dyslexia, ADHD and a few other things so we understood each other quite well.”

“I can’t tell if someone is flirting with me because I can’t read between the lines. I also don’t know how to flirt because if I like a guy too much I get soooo nervous and I stumble over my words and it’s a disaster.”

“When I liked this guy (last year, 2019) I would freeze up so bad when I talked to him that I rehearsed every conversation I wanted to have with him so I wouldn’t mess it up. I would write topics in the notes section of my phone before hanging out with him so I’d remember what to ask him. It made for very awkward and forced conversations and probably drove him away.”

“Sarcasm and jokes almost always go over my head. The boyfriend I had in high school was very funny and outgoing but used a lot of sarcasm and it always caused disagreements because I took him seriously when he was being sarcastic.”

“I talk slowly and very monotone.”

“I have no difficulty reading in my head and can read/comprehend it well, but reading aloud is difficult and I often stumble over words and mess up.”

“I need directions repeated multiple times before I understand.”

“I went to the beach to hang out with some church friends yesterday. They all play spike ball and are so confused as to why I sit there and don’t play. I’ve tried playing spike ball but it involves way too much hand eye coordination and I’m so bad at it that it’s embarrassing. So I don’t play.”

“That same night, a group of them said ‘let’s play uno!’ And I was so happy to play something familiar that didn’t involve a lot of coordination. Then they said ‘we’re playing SPICY uno, right?’ And immediately my heart sank because I knew they were playing a different way that I wasn’t familiar with. Again, receiving verbal directions was hell and I didn’t understand it. I was so bad at it and wasn’t getting it, and in the middle of the game I had the urge to cry. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t even get this right. I suppressed the urge, of course, so they wouldn’t think I was even more weird than the already suspected. Another group of people that I wouldn’t fit in with.”

“Making friends has always been so difficult. Once I make a good friend I hang on to them for as long as possible even if they’re not very nice because I’m scared I’ll have to make a new one if I lose them. And we all know how hard making new friends is for me.”

“I’m a perfectionist. Especially with my art projects. When I took a painting class I realized I do it the wrong way. You’re supposed to paint layer by layer over the entire canvas and focus on small details at the very end. I work on one small area at a time and do small details too soon. I often spend way too much time on small details before I realize that the larger shape of the object isn’t proportionate and then it’s too late.”

“I won’t even attempt tasks if I know I can’t do them perfectly.”

“I have perfect pitch. I don’t know if that has anything to do with autism or that I just started music lessons when I was young. I can tune instruments perfectly without a tuner or reference note and I never understood why my orchestra teacher had me play the A key on the piano over and over again while she walked around and tuned everyone’s instruments when I could do it without any reference. I can hear it in my head.”

“When my parents got me a keyboard at age 7-8, they were impressed because I could sit down, without listening to any song and find the notes of a song I liked by ear. I still do that today but my piano is very out of tune and it bothers me.”

“Autistic boys tend to isolate and not care about concealing their stims or weird behavior but girls don’t. I am a ‘loner’ and always have been but I want so badly to belong and have friends and socialize, but I’ve always been so bad at it that I strike out every time. I often drink at social gatherings because it helps me loosen up and talk more freely. I guess it helps me lose the mask for a while.”

“I HATE people touching me. I’ve always hated it and still hate it to this day unless it’s someone I’m super comfortable with. I’ve been told I have the ‘dead fish hand shake’ and I’m an awkward hugger. My friend picked me up from behind and carried me for a few seconds because we were all goofing off and having fun but afterwards I was so mad at him I got really quiet and didn’t talk for a while. I told him later on the ride home that if he did that again I would slap him. “

“Everyone thinks it’s weird that I don’t like touching people, and some of my friends who also don’t like touching people were abused and I always thought, ‘there had to be a reason, maybe I was abused as a kid and repressed it.’ It’s been so long and I’ve finally realized that maybe it’s just because I have Aspergers or ASD. “

“When I make sarcastic remarks or jokes I often have to clarify because I say them in such a monotone way that people think I’m serious.”

“I’ve always joked that I’m just really clumsy and uncoordinated, and chalked it up to being tall and lanky. That’s why swimming was the perfect sport for me. Little to no risk of injury and not much hand eye coordination needed to be good at it. Just hours of practice, technique and endurance.”

“I also injure myself quite a lot because I’m ‘a klutz.’”

“Stims: I scratch my head and then smell my fingers and I will do this for hours if I am able (I know that one is weird so I only do it at home) popping my knuckles a ridiculous amount of times when I feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to do with my hands. I twirl my hair constantly (that one is pretty socially acceptable so I do it in class nonstop). I tap my foot or bounce my leg, I make weird facial expressions and forget to hide those. People notice but they often think it’s funny because I’ll make a face if someone says something dumb and make an expression that people seem to relate to. I scrunch my nose if I’m uncomfortable or just whenever.”

Special interests: Star Wars, Disney (I know every word to every Disney song and I watch animated Disney movies over and over again, like literally every night) dolphins, the ocean, dogs, theology/the Bible.

“With my art work, and other things, I will get so focused on a painting that I will work non stop for 8-9 hours (all day basically) and not eat because I’m so focused that I forget to eat.”

“I think I slur my words a lot and sometimes my friends will laugh and be like ‘did you just say ____.?!?!’And I’ll clarify and they will continue laughing and say ‘oh it sounded like you said this.’ I hate when that happens.”

“Loud noises really bother me. I jump if I hear an unexpected loud noise and I hate people yelling, even if it’s not directed at me, it makes me want to cry. “

“I loved the color blue so much as a kid (I still do) but my entire wardrobe was basically different shades of blue t-shirts. I also only ever wore baggy t-shirts and baggy cargo shorts (I kinda dressed like a boy) because it was comfortable and I didn’t like getting comments if I looked “cute today”. I hated the attention. I also never ever wore my hair down to school. It always had to be up in a tight pony tail. I still don’t like my hair being in my face to this day and wear it up almost every day.”

“The other day, I was hanging out with a friend and she was trying to tell a story but I kept getting distracted and interrupting her. She said, ‘Emily, you kind of interrupt people a lot.’ At first I was hurt, but then I realized it’s not entirely my fault and it’s an autistic thing.”

“I mask so much that I have rehearsed responses to social interactions and will often get so nervous or start speaking from the script before I realize I’ve said the wrong response. Of course I’ll think about it all day after that and think of ‘well great, so and so thinks I’m weird now.’”

[humanmoodring-retired]

Where’d You Ghost? || Nadia & Sammy

TIMING: Before the Exorcism  PARTIES:  @humanmoodring and Sammy (the fantastic @chloeinbetween​) SUMMARY: Two ghost play pranks and have a heart to heart. Or, as much of one as can be had without a heartbeat. CONTENT: It’s kinda soft, actually

Sammy wondered, as him and Nadia walked into the cafe, if there was going to be a point when he just forgot what walls were. Like sure, they stopped you seeing things, but walking through them was just like walking through air. Someday, he’d probably ask Blanche to follow him somewhere, and lead her straight into a dead end without even realising. But this was nice. It was early afternoon but the sun was setting so early at the moment that the everything had a cool pink hue to it, and when they floated inside the cafe, everything became warm and orange. While he preferred spending his time around Ariana even when she couldn’t see him, Nadia had been right, they needed some space, and Blanche needed some space for her poor ghost spidey-senses. “Is that her on the left?” he whispered, even though there was no way anyone could hear him, being dead and all.

Even though they said they didn’t mind, Nadia knew that she couldn’t spend all of her time `bothering Blanche and Regan, and, after the whole thing with Luce and the mirror, Nadia just wanted to be around someone who understood, who wasn’t going to suddenly stop seeing her, and who wasn’t going to get overwhelmed by her presence. Of the other two ghost frequently occupying… not space but time in Blanche’s apartment, Sammy was certainly the more approachable. He was easy to talk to and he wanted to have fun in ways that she’d never really been able to, even as a kid. “That’s her,” she murmured back, matching, looking over at the barista with a small frown. Not only had the girl judged her for the amount of caffeine she’d been drinking and the odd hours she kept (she was aware, Bethany, okay? No need to point it out), she’d also been really rude when Nadia had fallen asleep at one of the tables on accident. She’d never targeted any of the other patrons like that, and Nadia hadn’t really been able to understand it. She’d been bullied out of getting her coffee, dammit. So what if she wanted just a little payback and fun?

“Cool, cool cool cool. Let’s uh… Let’s show her. Without, like, compromising anyone else’s health or anything.” Pranks had limits, after all, and although Sammy felt an increasing urge to act out to get any kind of attention, he didn’t actually want to injure anyone. But pranking someone to help Nadia feel better, that was right up his alley. At first, Sammy began to sneak up to the till, before remembering that… there was no point in sneaking. He straightened up sheepishly, passing right through the counter. What should he do? After freezing in indecision for a moment, Sammy knocked the milk jug, hard enough for some to splash onto the counter. Bethany spun and sighed, telling the customer to just give her a moment.

Laughing at Sammy’s antics, Nadia followed along behind him, no longer even pausing as she phased through the counter. This was going to be a problem if… when she got her body back. Because she was getting it back. She was. She smirked a bit as the milk spilled, and the frustration was clear enough on Bethany’s face that even a non-empath could see it. “Smooth, Sammy,” she told the younger ghost. As Bethany set back to work, Nadia managed to tug hard enough on the strings of the girl’s apron that it came undone, causing it to fly open and disrupt her work. Cursing and holding a cup in her hand, Bethany struggled to try and tie it with only one hand, failing spectacularly in the process. Nadia didn’t consider herself a cruel person, and she didn’t like causing people problems but this… was kind of funny, and there was a certain sense of satisfaction that came along with it. She smiled at Sammy, glad to be able to spend time with someone that understood.

“Hey! I’m impressed I even managed to move it at all.” Sammy protested, but it was with a lopsided grin on his face. A few weeks ago even that had been hard. For someone who had been so physical in life, always shaping things with his hands, he’d found doing the same thing as a ghost impossibly hard. It was easier when Nadia was around, like there was some secret trick for him to figure out just by watching and feeling her doing it. Bethany tied back the ribbons of her apron, and set about making the small coffee she’d just been requested. When she turned her back, Sammy jabbed at the large button until it clicked… and then it jammed. “Shit,” he whispered, watching the coffee begin to overflow.

“Honestly?” Nadia asked, offering the young man a small smile, “I’m pretty impressed, too. You’re getting a lot better.” They both were, though Nadia didn’t take nearly as much pleasure in it. Sure, it was nice to be able to move things, to be validated in her existence, but it was also… hard. The better she got at it, the more comfortable she was with being like this, the harder readjusting would come, if she ever got to that point. The more she thought about the exorcism, the more she learned about it reading over Regan’s shoulder, the more she wondered about her own survival. She’d already been exorcised from her own body. What if she was exorcised from this plane, too? What if the wrong soul was destroyed? She was jerked out of such melancholic thoughts by the sounds of machinery breaking and Sammy cursing. “Fuck,” she said, attempting to fix the button but jamming her arm into the machine instead, causing lights to blink and noises to go off. “Fuck.” Nadia looked at Sammy with wide, panicked eyes. “We should, uh, leave. We should go. Right now.”

“Oh shit,” Sammy breathed as Nadia made more sparks fly. “I didn’t mean to jam it,” he whispered urgently, as if the woman standing half through him might hear him. “I just wanted to make her overfill one drink.” His panic made a nearby light flicker, and, wide eyed, he hurried out of the store, until he was outside and all his jittery energy did was make the snow around him melt. He looked at Nadia once, twice, and then fell through the floor in nervous laughter. “She definitely noticed that,” he commented drolly. “You okay?”

“It’s all good. This is all good. It’s totally fine,” Nadia tried to reassure the younger ghost, but she followed him out the door all the same, leaving chaos in their wake as they went. Well, their little prank might have gone a bit overboard, but… it had been kind of fun. And they’d both proven that they were getting better with their ghostly abilities, for what that was worth. If Nadia did end up stuck like this, at least she was proving she wouldn’t be an invalid. “What? Nah, I don’t think she did,” she teased Sammy, a smirk on her face as he fell into the ground while she just barely hovered above. “On the bright side, I don’t think she’ll get fired for a bunch of random techno mishaps.” She moved to sit, legs pulled up and arms resting over her knees as snow fell through her. “I’m fine. Really. Thanks for this. It was,” she paused, laughing, “something.”

“No I think she’s fine. Just pissed off, which serves her right if what you’ve been saying is true.“ Sammy ran his fingers through his hair, grimacing as he remembered exactly why he shouldn’t do that. Even Dad, he could feel the texture of his injuries. Quickly dropping his hand he laughed again, smiling up at Nadia. “It really was,” Sammy agreed with a chuckle. A man in a bright burgundy work suit strolled through the two of them before going into the cafe. As the door swung open,Sammy heard the manager apologising to customers for the technical difficulties. “Come, let’s sit somewhere else,” he said, leveraging himself out of the ground and wandering aimlessly to look for a quieter area. Not knowing where one might be. “Blanche would’ve liked to see that, if she weren’t, you know.”

“Honestly, I think she’s deserves a bad day or two at work.” Nadia frowned at the coffee shop as the man walked through the door, but at least the mess was getting cleaned. Looking back at Sammy, she felt a bit of an ache, as close to pain as she could get like this, as she watched him struggle with his injuries. She didn’t anything discernable, just the same stained clothes and muddied boots she’d been wearing for months, and she knew that he didn’t hurt, but, God, it looked painful. But she got up and followed after Sammy, the two of them strolling through town companionably, no one paying them any mind because, well, why would they? They were just two ghosts. She looked over at him sadly. “I know she would have, but…” She didn’t know what to say. She hated seeing the younger girl like this, sad and heartbroken, especially when Nadia didn’t even have to be an empath to get it. She would have had to be blind to not see the way Blanche looked at Constance. Of course it was gonna end bad, but, hell, she wished it hadn’t been like that. “I don’t really know what to do to help, you know? She’s just-- Fuck, this just sucks.”

“It really fucking does,” Sammy agreed quietly. “I feel like I shouldn’t even be around her, because it’s a lot for her when we’re even nearby. I mean, Constance freaked me the fuck out, and she always felt like she was on the edge, like some kind of livewire, but she… she had her moments.” He couldn’t even say anything like I can’t believe she poltered, because he could believe it. Constance had always been… casually terrifying, but she’d also been nice at times. She looked like she belonged on a long stroll on an episode of Pride and Prejudice, but maybe also on the set of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, because of the many knives he imagined she’d have hiding in her stockings if her stockings had been… real. “I’ve always been a hugger, and now I can’t even offer Blanche that.”

“I know,” Nadia said. “i’m worried about her after all of this. I… tended to stay away from Constance.” She gave him a wry smile. “Real bad experiences with redheads, you know, especially ghosts.” The whole reason, she believed, that Cordelia had been able to get Nadia in her ghostly grasp was because Nadia kept thinking she was seeing someone that she wasn’t. “I was scared something like this would happen, but I’d hoped, I’d hoped, it wouldn’t, you know?” But she’d lived with Cordelia in her head for months, and she’d felt her poltergeist. When Sammy said that Constance felt like a livewire, he wasn’t joking, and Nadia knew all too well what happened to livewire ghosts. She wished it hadn’t come to this, though. Not for Blanche. She sighed. “Ghost, right? Good for pulling great pranks, not so much for comforting people. God, what I wouldn’t give to actually just be able to touch someone, something, right now.” She attempted to scuff her boot against the ground and only succeeded watching her foot disappear.

He matched her wry smile. “We talked a couple times, but her whole magic tree house, narnia way of speaking and my rambling and tiktok slang didn’t really match up all that well,” Sammy said ruefully. “I hoped… I think… I think Blanche was too optimistic. I’m not sure Constance would have ever moved on, you know? She had a pinterest of horrible ways to murder people. I just… didn’t think it would be this fast.” He rubbed the spot where his eyes might be. “I tried to warn her, before. Because even in the best outcome, Blanche would be alone. And…… this is the worst case situation.” Instinctively again, he reached for Nadia’s hand, but they could affect each other as much as they could affect anyone else in this world, which was to say, not at all. “But maybe you will soon, right?” He asked softly.

Laughing, Nadia said, “She did sound like a Jane Austen novel, didn’t she? Though, I gotta tell you, I’m still not sure what tiktok is.” But she was fond of Sammy’s ramblings and weird phrases. It was enjoyable, and it made her feel younger. It had been awhile since she’d felt, like, actually young. “She was but… I didn’t want to talk her out of it, and I know you didn’t want to talk her out of it. She felt so guilty about what happened with me and-- and Cordelia. Of course she didn’t want to see it happening to Constance, especially not Constance.” Hell, Nadia hadn’t wanted it to happen to Constance. She sighed. “I know you did. And this… I know. God, I fucking know.” She gave Sammy a sad smile, wishing that she could take the boy’s hand. She swallowed, tightly. “Yeah, soon.” She bit her lip, wishing she could feel it. “If-- If it goes well, I want you to still come see me, okay? I can see and hear ghosts, somewhat, in my body. And if it doesn’t… I’ll still be around, right?” She didn’t dare mention the third option: if they destroyed the wrong spirit, then she wouldn’t be around at all.

“Especially not Constance,” Sammy agreed. They turned the corner into one of the town’s smaller green squares. Not that it was very green. Snowfall had been reduced to lumps of brown slush by the drains, the grass had been trodden down to mud. “It’s shitty all around. Just got to wait for Blanche to figure out if she wants to talk with us, and do our best in the meantime.” His mood lifted when she explained that she’d still be able to see him. If everything worked. If it was possible to put her back in her body at all. All the unsaid ifs they’d avoided these past few months.  “You can?” Sammy asked, embarrassed at the slightly pleased tone in his voice, a little too full of hope. He swallowed. “It’ll work. It has to work. You’re getting out all the big guns. And I’ll come see you afterwards.”

Nadia felt so much heavier, her boots sinking into the ground a bit more. “So fucking shitty. But you’re right. And, when she does, we be there for her, however we can.” She smiled at Sammy. “Of course. It’s not, like the best, and I’m a little out of practice.” She ran a hand through her hair, a bit embarrassed. “I didn’t interact with a lot of ghosts, you know, before.” She leaned into him a bit, brushing their shoulders even if they couldn’t touch. “But that was before I met you and knew that ghosts could be cool. So of course I can. And of course I want you to come around.” She stopped, looking down before looking back up at up at him, her face serious. “It will. Of course it will. But… But if it doesn’t-- Make sure Blanche doesn’t blame herself? Is something goes-- she shouldn’t blame herself for anything that happens to me, okay?” She gave him a shaky smile. “But it’s gonna go great. I’m gonna see you as soon as it’s done.” It wasn’t going to go wrong. She had to believe that.