#it's a bit stupid now because i haven't been suicidal to a point of it being a concern in a really long time

[corfisers]

had this weird realization that part of the reason why i avoid getting close to people as much as i do is probably because as a suicidal teenager i internalized the whole "well if i don't have friends it makes things a lot easier doesn't it" and it just stuck with me forever

[zionworkzs]

Alright, let's talk about this scene in S1 Ep3:

Let's take this line by line, shall we? I added in some stage directions so we can see the acting choices alongside the dialogue (because this scene!!! this scene!! there is so much unsaid and communicated via body language).

*Crowley gets into his car and Aziraphale miracles inside*

C: *surprised*

C: What are you doing here?

A: I needed a word with you.

C: What?

A: I work in Soho. I hear things. I hear that you're setting up a...

A: *looks at Crowley*

A: caper. To rob a church.

C: *looks away from Aziraphale*

A: *concerned* Crowley, it's too dangerous. Holy Water won't just kill your body, it will destroy you completely.

C: *annoyed* You told me what you think. 105 years ago.

A: And I haven't changed my mind. But I can't have you risking your life. Not even for something dangerous. So... *pulls out thermos* you can call off the robbery.

C: *looking at Aziraphale, clearly surprised*

A: Don't go unscrewing the cap.

A: *not looking at Crowley anymore*

C: *looking between the thermos and Aziraphale* It's the real thing?

A: The holiest.

C: *attention fully on Aziraphale now* After everything you said?

A: *nods, still not looking at Crowley*

C: Should I say thank you?

C: *still looking at Aziraphale*

A: *pointedly NOT looking at Crowley*

A: Better not.

C: Well, can I drop you anywhere?

A: No. Thank you.

A: *briefly glancing at Crowley*

A: Don't look so disappointed.

A: *looking away again*

A: Perhaps one day we could, I don't know. Go for a picnic.

A: *looking at Crowley now*

A: Dine at the Ritz.

C: I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.

*silence, and the longest amount of time Aziraphale looks at Crowley this whole scene*

A: You go too fast for me, Crowley.

*both looking at each other for a beat before Aziraphale exits*

OKAY SO HOLY HECK

I feel like this scene gets boiled down to THAT line we all remember (and we'll get there), but I feel like the whole scene and the context is so so important if we want to understand THAT line.

So the background info:

1862 AD - London, St James Park: Crowley asks for holy water.

1941 AD - London: Aziraphale meets with Nazi agents inside a church. Crowley swoops in to save the day (and the books). We have the magic show and the lovely candelit dinner afterwards.

This scene takes place in 1967 in Soho, London presumably.

So, since 1862 when Crowley first asks, Aziraphale has been thinking about this request of his. Aziraphale presumes in 1862 that Crowley wants the Holy Water as a "suicide pill," and Crowley never corrects this assumption.

So, Aziraphale is under the impression that in 1967 he is giving Crowley a tool to use for his own destruction, if it comes to that.

He goes against Heaven and, from our understanding, steals Holy Water so he can give it to Crowley.

The implications of this are DEEP and COMPLEX. Because this is the FIRST time we see Aziraphale directly go against Heaven without any kind of moral out. He isn't saving Job's children. He's literally defying Heaven to protect Crowley from doing something stupid.

It's a purely selfish action that directly goes against Heaven.

This is HUGE for his character. And as I've talked about a bit in this post, I think by this point, Aziraphale was fully aware he was in love with Crowley.

This, THIS, is proof of his devotion to Crowley. Going against Heaven overtly to supply him with something he believes Crowley will use to end himself.

You can see Aziraphale's guilt and concern in this scene simply through how he choses when to look at Crowley and when to not (michael sheen, I'm in ur walls).

He looks at Crowley concerned when he talks about the church heist. He says as such. That he thinks it's too dangerous. He pointedly DOESN'T look at Crowley once he hands over the Holy Water. Like he can't bring himself to come to terms with what he's done. (Looking out for the person he loves by giving them a means of their own destruction.)

And this little interaction:

C: Should I say thank you? C: *looking at Aziraphale* A: *pointedly NOT looking at Crowley* A: Better not.

He doesn't want Crowley to thank him for what he perceives to be a sin. For giving him the ability to end himself. It hurts Aziraphale to think about. I think, even being in the car near Crowley hurts Aziraphale then.

Then we get the exchange at the end.

Crowley offering to drop Aziraphale off, which the angel denies.

Aziraphale clearly reading Crowley's disappointment and offering a fantasy of the future he doesn't believe they have in an attempt to cheer the demon up.

A: Perhaps one day we could, I don't know. Go for a picnic. A: *looking at Crowley now* A: Dine at the Ritz.

He looks at Crowley for the briefest of moments when he says "dine at the Ritz."

These things that Aziraphale is offering are normal, human pastimes. Nothing grand or overtly romantic. Just, a picnic. Dinner. It goes to show us how deeply Aziraphale loves humanity and recognizes that same love in Crowley (even if their love presents itself in different ways).

He's saying: one day, when I'm not me, and you're not you, we can do the things humans do. We can be simple.

And then, of course:

C: I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.

Crowley says this line almost desperately. He wants to stay in this moment. He wants to draw it out. This moment where this angel he's befriended cares for him so deeply that he'd risk everything.

I haven't talked much about Crowley in this scene because at this point in their relationship, and I know this is controversial, I don't think Crowley is in love with Aziraphale here.

I talked about it in the aforementioned post, but it's my interpretation of Crowley's character to be naturally distrusting of others. Which makes sense given his history.

I don't think he's in love with Aziraphale in 1967.

But I think he recognizes Aziraphale's love for him, even if only for the briefest moment. He sees Aziraphale's willingness to save Crowley from himself and knows that there is something there.

But he is SCARED. Big scared. And he doesn't know how to deal with the influx of information being presented to him.

And I think he reads between the lines of Aziraphale's words. He hears Aziraphale say: one day, when I'm not me, and you're not you...

I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go. Is Crowley saying: You're saying we have to be different people, but we don't. I can take you right now to a picnic, to the Ritz. Nothing has to change. We can be us.

And Aziraphale says:

A: You go too fast for me, Crowley.

You go too fast for me, you treat life like a speedrun to get to the good parts. Hell, Crowley slept through the 19th century because he wanted time to move forward. Aziraphale recognizes this. He's in love with this demon who won't slow down and appreciate the mundane, human things that Aziraphale treasures. He goes too fast. He never settles down.

And I think this is a gross misunderstanding of Crowley's character on Aziraphale's part. He thinks Crowley is too fast and never settles down. Changes his hair, his clothes, his accent. But the clothes and the hair are all set dressings to Crowley. They are distractions from how set in his ways he truly is.

Crowley is s l o w to everything.

So slow that it scares the shit out of him and he overcompensates by re-inventing his image every chance he gets. He wants to blend in with his surroundings so he can be just like everybody else.

It's a deep self-hatred most likely instilled in him since before his Fall. He was not good enough for Heaven. He isn't bad enough for Hell. He can't even pass as a human because of his eyes. He doesn't fit anywhere.

So he could never fit with Aziraphale.

He doesn't even see it as an option.

Not yet, anyway.

Aziraphale misunderstands this as Crowley being unable to take time and care and put work into things that truly matter. Aziraphale thinks that they can't be together because they are too different. No matter how much he loves Crowley, Crowley is, and will always be, just a few steps ahead of him. He will always be just out of reach.

This scene is Aziraphale's confession and subsequent realization that they can never work.

This scene is Crowley understanding Aziraphale's feelings and his inability to process his own.

This scene is devastating. Because it's another miscommunication. It's a clear example of how these two understand each other, and, even after 6000 years, don't understand each other.

[yasminesboo]

Lookism chapter 514: little rant

This is stupid as fuck at this point, genuinely one of the worst lookism chapters i've read so far.

I've been here since 2020, I've felt a lot of things when reading lookism, excitement, giddiness, sadness, suspense but never have i ever felt actual "what the fuck is going on" rage ever while reading lookism.

Nothing in this whole "hunt for gun" arc makes sense, like literally nothing adds up. first we've got the ENTIRE verse assembling like the avengers to take down gun, like we're talking extras that haven't appeared in years. Then these seemingly amazing strong characters that went through so much character development and training arcs get the floor wiped with them, absolutely erasing all the progress they've made so far and get taken down within literally three panels. Not to mention how they deal fatal blows and this man hits super saiyan poses and gets up like nothing happened? Then he proceeds to randomly and casually plunging off a cliff above the mountain forest and lands on the highway in 0.00001 sec mid fight without taking any fall damage whatsoever and gets right back to swinging.

Anyways fast forward to the ridiculous fight he had with johan, which i find to be absolutely ridiculous johan should have 100% won that and the fight should'nt have been prolonged that much, not only was johan in perfect health and his vision was restored, but gun was also getting more and more "tired" and his state was pitiful. But SOMEHOW he still won that. Okay. Cool.

And now fast forward to today's chapter: gun's DUMBASS turns down goo's offer and now they're fighting. So naturally you'd expect gun to lose because goo is relatively equal (as stated multiple times by the narrative) to gun, and gun is in a pitiful state broken arm basically became a flesh and bones smoothie, not to mention his organs must have turned into slime from the amount of hits he has taken. His left eye is popped and bloodshot, his neck is sliced, he even has CLAW marks down his lower torso and forearm, excessive blood loss and nasty bruising everywhere... so obviously goo who is 100% in good shape and is proven to be a very powerful and impactful character will win right? Haha.

*internally screaming throwing up sobbing rolling on the floor in rage and despair*

HOW THE FUCK DID HE END UP ON THE FLOOR SQUISHED LIKE A BUG WITH A SWORD PIERCING THROUGH HIM???? The whole fight made me ENRAGED, i lost it when he blocked the sword with his mouth AND bit it off like are we sure we're still in a slice of life manhwa and not a horror one? I lost it even more when his mouth that was torn ear to ear because of the sword magically healed in the next panel like nothing happened, like that sword didn't just cut through his flesh. Speaking of swords cutting through flesh, how did goos sword sharp enough to cut through metal and concrete walls get stuck on his ankle? Dies this man have titanium bones or something?? How did the sword get stuck on the FLESH not even the bone itself. And the fact that he just walked it off again like nothing happened.. somehow goo only landed like two clean hits and gun magically dodged all the other ones.

Then PTJ proceeds to pull up the double suicide to end the fight in which BOTH goo and gun were stabbed but goo somehow is the one who ends up being squished on the floor like a bug.

This is unacceptable, idk wth ptj was expecting us to get hype after gun some fucking how is capable of weaseling himself out of every corner he's backed up to this is starting patterns that are very similar to jjk.. which i don't like at all. I'd like to say for the one billionth time again that PTJ writing gets progressively worse from the years, which only consists of stalling and dragging the arcs instead of moving on to other plot points, extreme plot armor, adding in an unbelievable number of minor characters, background characters, and extras just to neglect them after a few chapters. Some characters who supposedly were from the "main cast" were gone for YEARS dude, and the lacking female character writing (some may argue with this because it is true there are female characters that are badass and are really good written, but most are created only for the purpose of helping a certain male character with character development. Which he literally directly says on his author note for viral hit in which he says all the female characters form the main cast even the nurse were created for romantic interest, which is an insane thing to say.)

Anyhow, if you've read this far thank you for coming to my ted talk 😓. I know some things i said might be controversial but i just needed to let out some steam, because this is getting ridiculous. Everyone can see the pattern now like there is no way that he's so overpowered that the entirety of the verse wasn't able to take him down.

[xxlady-lunaxx]

I'm not coming home | {SaneOba}

Theme: Angst

Note: I hate adding trigger warnings simply because it basically spoils the whole thing, but I have to add them so, TW's!!: implications of wanting to die/suicide

Spoilers!! (like in the next sentence)

Will take place after the Infinity Castle thing, Obanai lived, Mitsuri did not. You can choose to think of ObaMitsu as platonic or romantic, it really doesn't matter, they were just close before. Sanemi has been helping Obanai with his mental health (and uhm failing), guess where this is going<33

×××

It had been some time since the final battle and Sanemi was tired. Yes, he had been getting a lot more sleep recently than the past few years, but he was tired. Fuck, it wasn't even because of his sleep—although he was having trouble adjusting to this new sleep schedule. But putting that aside, the reason for his tiredness was Obanai.

Obanai was... putting it nicely, not okay. Mitsuri had died in his arms after Muzan's death, and he was in some sort of daze now, as if it would undo the damage. He ate less than he ever had—which was saying something—and he barely slept, barely moved, really. Sometimes, though, he would wander around, looking lost.

Sanemi had taken to caring for Obanai—the two had started dating, as well. It was rocky, their relationship, or just... their life. It wasn't easy, obviously. How could it be?

Before, at least, they had distractions. Missions, patrol, their own life constantly in peril danger. But there was nothing now. It was a relief, for a lot of the survivors. It was a relief to Sanemi and Obanai, as well. But in a way, it was also worse. Made life just a dull of objects and colors, a blur in the background. It was empty, no action, no... nothing.

Sanemi didn't necessarily mind, however. Obanai, on the other hand, was very affected by it. Horribly. And it was obvious. So obvious to the point that Tanjiro brought up the concern once, while passing by Sanemi at the market.

Sanemi assured him that he'd help as best he could, and that he already was. But it fed his worries about Obanai and he went in search for his boyfriend later, whom he hadn't seen in a bit. He found Obanai, later, sitting absentmindedly on a hill, his katana in his hand. He was staring at it as if it held the answers of the world, his hand running over the handle to the leather sheath.

"Obanai?" Sanemi asked, confused. He quickly made his way up the hill, plopping down next to the smaller man. 

"Hm?" Obanai turned, meeting Sanemi's eyes. The turquoise and golden eyes of Obanai's appeared unfocused, and he looked as tired as ever. 

"What're you doing here?" Sanemi said, frowning. He glanced down at Obanai's lap, where his katana sat. "And why do you have that?"

"Uhm. Just thinking," Obanai mumbled, closing his hand over the katana handle tightly. "Why?"

"You look tired and I haven't seen you all day," Sanemi said, sighing. He wrapped an arm around Obanai, urging him to lean against him. (does that make sense?)

Obanai shrugged. "I wanted some fresh air."

"Ah."

They were silent for a while. Sanemi took this opportunity to look around, finding that he could see a lot of a town below them, stretching far off into the distance. If he wasn't mistaken, that was the town the Hashira would usually wander around in their free time. More specifically, Mitsuri, who would eat a lot in one of the restaurants there.

With that, Sanemi realized Obanai had probably been down there, most likely reminising about Mitsuri. He grumbled internally, wanting to smack himself for his stupidity. Obanai must be feeling miserable because of this.

"So... Why do you have your katana?" Sanemi asked. The past Hashira and Demon Slayers had all kept their katanas and/or uniforms if they were still in tact, given that there wasn't any need to rid of them. But as far as Sanemi knew, most people's katana's were probably gathering dust somewhere in the back of their house as demon slaying hadn't been the best of most people's memories. 

Obanai looked away. "No reason."

The frown on Sanemi's face deepened. There was definitely a reason. It couldn't only be for the purpose of remembering, could it? Although just to feel the weight of the katana was enough to trigger a lot of memories.

"Right." Sanemi stood carefully, making sure he didn't drop Obanai's limp—and very light, he must add—body in the process. "When will you come back home? Tomioka's visiting later, so you probably want to get a bit of rest first."

"I'm not coming home," Obanai mumbled. The words were quiet, almost unaudible. Almost.

"What?" Sanemi turned back, having been half way through heading back down.

Obanai didn't say anything and Sanemi quickly retraced his steps back up, turning Obanai's body to look at him.

"What do you..." His eyes drifted down to Obanai's katana, clutched tightly in his hand. "No."

Obanai blinked quickly, turning his face away. 

"No, Obanai, don't you dare," Sanemi hissed, grabbing the part of the handle protruding from Obanai's fist.

Obanai fought back, tugging at it. "Go away, Sanemi," he said, a sudden harshness entering his voice.

Startled, Sanemi nearly let go, but quickly regained his grip on the katana. Having been taking a lot better care of himself recently—and just generally being stronger than Obanai—he managed to take the katana from his boyfriend, gripping it tightly. 

"Do not. Obanai, you cannot leave now. You're still young enough to have life to you, don't you fucking dare," Sanemi said, a burst of desperation hitting him. "I can't... can't lose you too."

Their eyes met and, for a second, Obanai returned the glare. But then all the fight seemed to seep out of him and he slumped down, his hair slipping over his face. 

"I'm sorry," Obanai whispered. "I have to."

Sanemi shook his head. "No. No, you don't and you won't. Fucking hell, what have you been thinking this whole time?! We're going back home, Obanai. C'mon," he said with a heavy sigh, hoisting Obanai's unhealthily light body onto his back.

Obanai's arms clasped themself loosely onto Sanemi's shoulders as Sanemi made a slow descent down the hill.

"You're going to sleep now, Obanai. I will not let you die," Sanemi said. He wouldn't allow it.

×××

�� Word count: 1086 »

×××

there's more floof in this cuz... i feel bad and i love writing floof as much as angst

putting the part one and two in the same post because it's easier<33

×××

Obanai was asleep and Giyuu was at the door and Sanemi was in the kitchen. Sanemi was also panicking.

He heard the knock at the door and opened it, letting Giyuu enter.

Then he promptly went back to panicking.

Giyuu watched him pace around for a couple minutes before speaking up.

"Are you alright, Shinazugawa?" he asked. He had gotten better at talking recently, having had more time to focus on his social life. He was more vocal now and it was helpful, really. 

Sanemi stopped and stared at him. He had run his hand through his hair several times earlier so it looked like a mess, he had been muttering to himself and pacing around for almost an hour now, after putting Obanai to sleep, and he was tired. No, he was not alright.

"Obanai tried killing himself earlier," Sanemi said bluntly, deciding to go straight (gay) to the point.

Giyuu blinked. He had not been expecting that. "What?"

Sanemi groaned, striding forwards and hitting his forehead against the wall several times. "He brought his katana with him. He didn't even deny it."

Giyuu moved forward, pulling Sanemi away from the wall. "When?"

"Over an hour ago. I made him sleep," Sanemi said, gesturing to the hallway that led to Obanai's room.

"Ah. We should ask Aoi for help, she might know therapist or something," Giyuu murmured.

"Why the fuck would we ask a child?!" Sanemi said incredulously.

Giyuu sighed. "Because Kocho wanted to sign us up for therapy but we didn't have time. Aoi or Kanao might be of some help in this matter since they knew Kocho better."

"Bitch, we're adults. We can find a therapist ourself. But I doubt Obanai would speak to one, in the first place. He's... got a lot of personal shit he'd most likely rather not tell anyone," Sanemi pointed out. He crossed his arms, moving away from Giyuu. 

"Right. I don't know, then," Giyuu murmured.

Sanemi frowned, looking down at the ground. "I don't know either. I've been trying to help him, but I don't think it's working."

"Mm. How have you been trying?"

"Uhh..." Sanemi paused, racking his brain. "I've been keeping a close watch on his sleeping and eating schedules—which are somehow still fucked up. I try talking to him sometimes but he doesn't really... want to. He's quieter now, too. It's difficult to deal with, and it's fucking up my head."

Giyuu nodded as he spoke, thinking for a moment. "Try to just spend time with him, maybe? Instead of so obviously focusing on his mental and physical health, just take him out on walks or dates, and so on," he suggested. "Maybe it'll clear his mind."

Sanemi raised an eyebrow. "That's... I'm surprised I'd hear that from you, Tomioka. But I'll try that, sure."

Giyuu pouted. "What does that mean?!"

"You know, you're really childish for a twenty-one year old man," Sanemi deadpanned. 

"...go cheer up Iguro, then," Giyuu said, huffing and turning to the door.

Sanemi laughed. "Will do. Thanks," he called after Giyuu who was already outside.

"No problem... And good luck!" Giyuu said, lifting a hand in a wave before promptly slamming the door shut.

Sanemi rolled his eyes and locked the door before turning as he heard a different door open.

Obanai stumbled into the hallway, rubbing his eyes and fixing his bandages. He quickly spotted Sanemi and sank into his boyfriend's arms, hugging him tightly.

"You alright?" Sanemi asked, patting Obanai. 

He got a muffled "yes" in response. 

"Are you hungry?" he asked, picking up Obanai and hoisting him onto his hip.

Obanai pulled back slightly to make himself comfortable, wrapping his legs around Sanemi's waist. "No' really..." he mumbled, resting his head on Sanemi's shoulder. He seemed tired, still, and probably had forgotten about earlier. 

"Okay. Sleepy? Want to cuddle?" Sanemi offered, kissing his cheek.

"Mmmhm," Obanai hummed, nuzzling against him.

Sanemi smiled. "Whatever you want. You're awfully clingy today, you know..."

"Is'at bad?" Obanai asked, lifting his head up to look at Sanemi.

"Not at all. It's adorable."

"I'm not adorable."

Sanemi scoffed. "Keep telling yourself that."

Obanai grumbled but went back to hugging him as Sanemi made his way back to the bedroom, closing the door and laying down with Obanai wrapped around him.

The room was silent, only the sound of their breathing, bringing a comforting feeling to them, lulling them into sleep.

Sanemi awoke, he didn't know how long later, and glanced down at Obanai who stayed asleep in his arms. The blanket previously pulled over them had at one point gotten tangled up between their limbs and Sanemi struggled for a moment to pull it back onto them.

He glanced at the window which had curtains drawn over them. A dim light filtered through the fabric, however, telling him it was around late evening or night. He moved his hand up to run through the dark, tangled locks of Obanai's hair, wrapping his other arm back around his boyfriend.

A while later—about twenty or so minutes—Obanai stirred awake, blinking wearily at Sanemi. His hair was messy, despite Sanemi having been finger-combing it for nearly half an hour before, but he looked considerably less tired then he had before.

"S'nemi...?" he mumbled, moving forward and re-attaching himself to his boyfriend.

"Yes?"

"Goo' mornin'..." Obanai said, his voice muffled by his bandages and sleep.

"It's... night," Sanemi said, laughing gently. 

"Oh." Obanai sat up slowly, glancing at the window. "Is it bad that we're used to waking up at dusk and going to sleep at dawn?"

"...Probably." Sanemi sighed. "How do you feel, though?"

"I'm fine."

"Tired, still, or not?"

"I feel better," Obanai admitted, running a hand through his hair. 

"I'm glad to hear it," Sanemi said, sitting up and kissing the smaller man's forehead. "Hungry?"

"Not really." 

Sanemi frowned. "When have you last eaten?"

Obanai pouted, crossing his arms. "That's none of your concern!"

"It is! If I want to care for you, I need to know!" Sanemi said.

"I don't need caring for! I'm twenty-one! I can care for myself!" Obanai protested.

Sanemi raised an eyebrow. "What, and this morning wasn't some sort of indication that you can't?" He immediately regretted the words afterwards when Obanai seemed to cower away, remembering. "Sorry, Obanai, I didn't mean..."

Obanai shook his head, silencing him. "It's fine." He slumped back down onto the futon, burying himself in the blankets.

Sanemi sighed. "I'll make us some food."

"Alright..."

×××

Sanemi decided to take Giyuu's advice into action and, the next day, took Obanai out on a walk after lunch.

Obanai was clueless and just walked around, one hand clasped around Sanemi's, the other clutching a pebble he'd picked up earlier. They walked in silence, enjoying the outside for once. It was a nice day and the weather was mild, not cold nor hot. It was peaceful; spring could be like that. (Fun fact: it was spring after the war!! Because the sakura tree in the Butterfly Estate had been blooming) There was a heavy scent of flowers in the air, given the trees were blooming and, with the occasional burst of wind, flower petals would float down around them.

Sanemi was watching Obanai carefully and had been caught staring at him several times, leading to more awkward silence.

Eventually, irritated, Obanai asked, "What?" upon catching Sanemi looking at him again.

Sanemi bit his lip, turning his gaze back in front of them. Obanai stopped, though, holding Sanemi back by his hand. 

"What?" he repeated, more forcefully.

Sanemi shook his head. "It's nothing, just thinking."

Obanai huffed. "If you keep thinking about yesterday, I'm going to rip your head off."

"Be my guest," Sanemi murmured. "And it's not that"—which was partially true—"so don't worry about it. I was thinking about when we were Hashira. Days like today just went by unnoticed since we were usually resting or training."

Obanai rolled his eyes. "Oh, are you reminising now? Are you going to go on about a speech to appreciate what we have now?"

Sanemi laughed. "Do you want me to?"

"Fuck no."

"Good, because I wasn't. But... you really should," Sanemi added, as an afterthought.

"What? I'm not reciting an essay for shit," Obanai said, scrunching up his nose. 

"That's not what I meant. i meant, like, to 'appreciate what you have now,' as you'd put it."

"Oh, so it is about yesterday." He sighed, letting go of Sanemi's hand to fidget with the rock. "Please stop thinking about it."

"Like I could." Sanemi crossed his arms, moving to stand in front of Obanai. "You do realize I care about you way more than anyone else right now?"

"Well you shouldn't. You should care about yourself." Obanai looked up, his eyes meeting the lavender eyes of Sanemi's, those of which he'd fallen in love with over and over again. God, he would do almost anything for him. Almost anything.

"Like you could talk! You're the one ignoring your own health," Sanemi shot back. "Obanai, seriously, just... I'll stop thinking about it when you can prove to me that you'll try to get better. If not for yourself, then... for..." He hesitated, unsure if he should continue the sentence. "For someone else."

Obanai frowned. "For you?" he asked. "Just say it. It's not selfish, if that's what you're thinking."

Sanemi shook his head again, running a hand through his hair and sighing. "It's... not that."

"Then?" Obanai asked impatiently. 

"That's not what we're talking about!" Sanemi said, trying to pull him off the course of the conversation.

"Yeah, well now it is. So, tell me." He crossed his arms for emphasis, glaring up at Sanemi.

Sanemi grumbled. "If I tell you, will you try to care for your health?"

"I walked into that, didn't I," Obanai said, sighing. 

"Yes."

"Fine. I'll try. But I won't promise any success."

"Good enough," Sanemi decided. 

"So?" Obanai asked, quirking an eyebrow when he didn't continue. "Tell me!"

"It's stupid," he insisted.

"So am I, and look who you're dating! Get on with it, idiot."

Sanemi rolled his eyes. "One, you're not stupid. And... fine. Fine," he repeated, as if telling himself more than Obanai. His gaze dropped to the ground, avoiding the prying eyes of his boyfriend. "It's about Kanroji."

Obanai tensed. "What about her?"

"I don't know. Just, you're doing this all for her, right? I know what you were looking at when I found you yesterday. I know you care about her a lot." Sanemi paused. "Basically—and fuck, I sound like a selfish brat, but—I didn't know if you cared about me enough to want to stay... for me," he concluded. "Which is why... yeah."

Obanai frowned, taking in this information. "Are you jealous or insecure?"

Sanemi winced. "Don't say it like that."

"Just answer."

"Both, really," he admitted, wishing he could crawl in a hole and die.

There was a beat of silence.

And then Obanai stepped forward, tiptoeing and wrapping his arms around Sanemi's neck, hugging him tightly. He glanced around, making sure nobody was there, then undid his bandages, kissing Sanemi gently. Sanemi embraced him, leaning against the hug. 

"God, you're like a big baby," Obanai murmured, placing another kiss on Sanemi's cheek.

"Says you," Sanemi said, although he smiled at the kiss. 

"Mm, sure." 

They stayed like this for a while, completely ignoring the fact that they stood in the middle of a road in public, their attention completely on each other.

Then Sanemi back away, embarrassed and almost guilty. "Sorry for turning this about me."

"Don't worry about it, it's nice to not be the one worried about for once," Obanai said, quickly fixing his mask and taking Sanemi's hand.

Sanemi nodded. "And it's nice to be the one worried about, honestly," he said. 

"Guess you haven't experienced it much?"

"Nah." 

They continued on their walk in silence for a while, consumed in their own thoughts. Obanai spoke up, after a few minutes, glancing up at Sanemi.

"Hey, and for the record? I do care about you. Fuck, I'm sorry for seeming so laser-focused on Mitsuri lately, but... I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but she's all the reasons why I want to die. You're all the reasons I want to stay," he said, his voice gentle. 

Sanemi stared at him. 

"What?"

"N... Nothing," Sanemi mumbled, his hand tightening around Obanai's. "Thanks."

Obanai nodded, confused. He double-stepped forward to see Sanemi's face—who had turned away—and stopped. "Oh my god, are you going to cry?!" 

Sanemi shook his head, his hand reaching up to rub his eyes. "Fuck no, what the hell are you talking about?..."

Obanai sighed, letting go of his hand to wipe the tear that slipped down Sanemi's cheek. "Crying isn't bad."

"Well, good for you. Because I'm not crying!" Sanemi insisted, a whine entering his voice.

"And you said I was the baby," Obanai grumbled, rolling his eyes. But he hugged Sanemi again, holding him tightly in his arms. 

Sanemi buried his face in the mess of Obanai's hair, practically strangling him with a hug. "'m not crying," he repeated, with less insistency.

"Whatever you say."

After Sanemi got himself back together, the two walked down the road again, more awkwardly as neither knew what to say anymore. 

"Uhm... So, back to you?" Sanemi suggested.

"Fuck no."

"Fuck yes."

"You want to fuck?" Obanai asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Maybe?" Sanemi said, mimicking Obanai.

"Idiot," Obanai said, laughing.

Sanemi smiled. "You're laughing."

Obanai immediately stopped. "Okay, no, that's stupid. Don't be stupid."

Sanemi rolled his eyes. "You're stupid."

"I know."

"God."

They exchanged a smile before Obanai decidedly broke into a run, making Sanemi do a double take before chasing after him.

"What the hell?!" he shouted, catching up quickly.

Obanai grinned at him, quickening his pace. "How much strength from being do you think we have left?"

"I bet I have more than you do," Sanemi replied, running ahead of Obanai.

"Fuck you!!" Obanai whined, attempting to get back in line with Sanemi.

They laughed as they ran, and probably wouldn't have stopped if it weren't for the fact that they nearly crashed into someone. Both of them skidded to a stop, almost toppling over themselves in an attempt to not hit the other person.

"Fuck..." Sanemi groaned, helping Obanai steady himself.

"Okay, what the hell is wrong with you two?" the person asked, his voice familiar.

They looked up.

"Great," Obanai said, crossing his arms.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?!" Tengen whined. 

"Nothing. What're you doing here?" Sanemi asked.

"Uh, walking. Why?" Tengen said, cocking an eyebrow. "And you two?"

"Same as you," Obanai said. 

"Right. You look better," Tengen noted, looking Obanai up and down.

"What do you mean?"

"Well rested." 

Sanemi nodded. "He slept a lot yesterday and the day before."

"I was tired," Obanai said defensively. "And what do you mean, 'better'?!"

"It wasn't an insult," Tengen said, laughing. "And of course you were tired."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Obanai threw the pebble at Tengen who dodged it, grinning at him.

Sanemi rolled his eyes. "He means you were being insomniac and unhealthy and that you're already making improvement, dumbass."

Obanai huffed. "You too?!"

"Hey, don't blame me! You were the only one who fell into some sort of neglection of yourself after Muzan!" Sanemi pointed out.

"Anyways, I don't want to hear you two bickering, so... bye!" Tengen said, saluting them before promptly turning and practically disappearing.

Sanemi and Obanai stared after to where Tengen had run off to, watching his figure fade into the distance.

"Why is everyone concerned about my health," Obanai asked, after a minute. 

"Because you're easy to be concerned about. You look happier though," Sanemi said, turning back to Obanai. "Right now."

"That's cuz we were running and it was exhilarating. I haven't done that in a bit."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I took you out on the walk," he said, taking Obanai's hand into his own.

"Hmm, I knew you had ulterior motives," Obanai said. "'I need fresh air' my ass." 

"That wasn't a lie."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Hey, you lied about that, too!" Sanemi said, walking again.

"Fair enough."

×××

Giyuu's tactic seemed to work. It was distracting Obanai a lot more and he looked a lot lighter now, although he occasionally lapsed into fits of depressing—if you could call it that—and Sanemi was always there for him when they happened. But he was progressing and his katana ended up in the corner of the entrance hall, dust slowly collecting on the hand guard. He was doing better, and it was all Sanemi could really ask for.

×××

« Word count: 2731 »

y'all i know I ended this randomly but I was losing ideas for this and it ended up so much different than i'd intended AND HOW THE FUCK DID I GET NEARLY 3000 WORDS?! I THOUGHT IT WOULD ONLY BE 600-1000 BUT NAH...

Also i js remembered how much I love fluff 🤩

so many scenes in this oneshot i'm in love w/ how it turned out (also a bit eh but YAYY)

[thedevilsoftruth]

Tomorrow: Shane's Journal

I had this idea for a long time, and that idea was to write 5 journal entries going through important time stamps of Shane's life. These entries are written through the lens of Shane himself, almost as if he actually wrote them. Nothing stated in here is 100% cannon. These are all simply headcanons I have of Shane and his life, and i hope you all enjoy it!

For clarity, I think Stardew takes place in 2016, given that's when it was released, and i also hc Shane to be 35, so he was born in 1981 in this fic. A little bit random, but that's just something to chew on.

Tw: This fic goes over very sensitive topics such as suicide, mentions of self-harm, shootings, depression, alcohol addiction, childhood trauma, and a lot of Atheism.

◇◇◇

September 8th, 1996

Hey god, if you're listening, why are you doing this to me? I've tried and tried and tried all I could, all day, every day. No matter what people threw at me, I still fucking took it because I didn't want to end up being a dead beat like my stupid fucking father. I'm sorry. I'm angry. What's the point of fucking living if everyday I'm in goddamn pain, and If all my nights are spent sleepless as I sob? I've prayed and prayed and prayed for things to get better, but nothing is getting better, and I want to die. The only thing good in my life right now is my gridball team. My parents don't fucking love me, I'm a failure to everyone I know. I'm starting to think this world would be better off without me.

God, please, help me. Guide me to a newfound happiness, please. I can't go on like this anymore. I want to have hope, I need to have hope. It's what Marnie tells me every day. But I can't if things continue to go to shit. Well, im going to lie down now. Tomorrow is a new day... right?

- Shane .H

September 10th, 1996

You're a liar, you're a fucking liar. Screwed up, fucked up, arrogant, selfish liar. I was blind to your lies, deceived by the promised hope of a good life, and yet you took my hope and smashed it against the wall. I hate you. I hate all of you. I want to cut myself and die as I bleed out.

Everyone is turning against me. Ethan wasn't there for me when I told him to stay outside my aunt's house last night. My mother tried to kill me last night, and my father wouldn't dare to bat an eye at me. I don't know what I fucking did to deserve this. Mom hurt Marnie. Everyone was screaming, I felt like my ears were going to bleed. I ran away. Mom tried to throw a knife at me, so I ran away. Ethan got me high before that and was supposed to stay outside of Marnies ranch for me incade anything happened, but he fled afterward.

They had told me they didn't want me at Marnies house anymore when they were gone. But I couldn't stop myself. They hadn't been home in a week, and I needed comfort. They are always fucking gone they are always never home or.... used to not always be home.

I stayed at Micheal's house last night. I went back to Marnie's this morning. My parents killed themselves an hour after I left. They did it in front of Marnie, and she couldn't do anything to stop them. They wouldn't listen to her. Marine is going to be my guardian. We're going to make frequent trips to Zuzu city for our therapy sessions.

I don't think I'll be going back to school. I hate myself. I hate my life. My parents died because of me. I wasn't a good son, I never was. Maybe if I had been better and didn't get high, sneak out, or get bad grades all the time, they would have loved me. But if there's anything I hate the most at the moment other than myself, it's you, God.

- Shane .H

November 27th, 2010

I thought I was getting better. I thought things were going to be okay. I haven't taken therapy since I was 20. I'm gonna need it after today because I'm having the biggest downward spiral since 1996. I started to believe again. I started to read the Bible and pray because things were getting better, but all of this shit coming back to me tells me that there is no God up in the sky. It's a joke. A stupid dumb lie that innocent people like myself get mind-fucked into believing is real. But it's not. It's a load of fucking shit.

God took away everything that I have ever loved in my entire life and hollowed out my soul until I was nothing, and left me with stupid fucking priorities that I can't fucking handle! I didn't want a child. Not now, not ever. This child isn't mine. How am I supposed to fucking provide for her, if I'm working 9 hours a godamn week at a fucking grocery store? Damn it. Damn it all to hell.

One second, I'm at a fair with my two best friends i haven't seen in years who are parents now, the other second they're killed in a shooting and I'm stuck with their fucking kid!

I don't want this, I don't fucking want this at all. Kill me, please, God. I can't even write this with how shaky my fucking hands are. I wish I never crossed paths with Micheal, even if it's been 12 years since I've seen him. I can't do this. I can't go on anymore. Tell me one reason why I shouldn't put a bullet in my head like my fucking parents did?! Fuck you, and fuck your stupid fucking cult, and fuck your beliefs, and fuck it all!!!

- Shane .H

December 23rd, 2016

I love you, Marnie. I love you, Jas. I love you, Michael and Alejandra. I love you, Mom and Dad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a failure. All I've ever done to you all was bring you pain. I'm a dead beat. I don't deserve your kindness or your patience. I'm a fat, alcohol addicted, low-life, dick face who's never made any achievement in life. I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning. I black out almost every night from drinking too much. I could never get a good job here in the fucking town.

My life has brought me nothing but pain. Nobody wants someone lin their life who can't even do something as simple as brushing their teeth.. I'm nothing but a mere parasite, eating away at people's lives.

I'm sorry, im sorry, I'm sorry, but today is the day.

You won't have to deal with me anymore, and I can finally be free from this never-ending hell.

Goodbye, world.

- Shane .H

December 23rd, 2018

2 years. I've been sober for 2 years now.

On this day, two years ago, I tried to end my life. I almost drank myself to death, but a farmer noticed me near the cliff and supported me. They brought me to a hospital, and I went back to Zuzu city to try therapy again. It's still embarrassing when I think about it. Those memories don't make me nearly as sad anymore, I just get... kind of embarrassed. It's like... wow, I was like that? What an asshole, hehe.

Well, my sobriety isn't the only thing I'm proud of.

Jas is eight years old now! I finally saved up enough to move out of Marnies and into the city. I got a new job, and I have a cousin here who is watching over Jas during the day after she comes home from school. She has a lot of friends now and is boy crazy... oh dear, I still don't like the thought of that. My hours aren't the best, but it makes me money and keeps a roof over our heads. I work on service tech. I didn't know I liked cars so much, haha! Everyone there is really cool and nice, and it's helped me with coming out of my shell a little bit.

On holidays, me and Jas go back to Stradew Valley to see Marnie. We have frequent calls with her, and I also make sure to pay the farmer a visit. Jas and I bake them cookies as a thanks for literally saving my life. Sometimes she eats them in the car...

Well, anyway, I start work in a little bit. Just wanted to let everything all out. Today is a new day, after all.

- Shane .H

[pencileraser1]

pencil eraser one. you word your long posts about dps very well so im pointing my frustration with media-ly illiterate people in your direction. im constantly seething with rage at this podcast episode i listened to a very long time ago abt dps bc they said neils suicide was STUPID and OVERDRAMATIC. and i just. i wanna throw up that boy killed himself and ur calling himnoverdramatic what do i even do. i am high a little and this is very much affecting me i cant get up from this couch 🎀

you're completely correct for this i actually have a few thoughts about this so uh bear with me for a second

theres something that sucks so much about this specific type of criticism of this movie in particular to me because of how much i relate to neil. i watched dps for the first time when i was 17, severely depressed and borderline suicidal and i related So Much to him. i didn't write off his suicide or criticize it because i'd Been There.

generally i feel like this criticism probably stems from lack of understanding Why he would do what he did, and there's a number of reasons that that this could be although that would be leaning a bit too much into psychoanalysis and assuming things i don't know about them so i'm not going to go into it really

up until it happens, neil seems like he's doing mostly okay, and particularly if you haven't seen the movie before i could see how to certain people his suicide might seem overdramatic since it's a bit of a sudden shift from mostly okay to suicidal. but the thing is that up until this point, neil has just been doing a very good job at hiding that something is wrong.

my interpretation of the movie has always been that he'd struggled with some form of depression as well as dealing with some amount of suicidal ideation before the movie and had just generally been good at masking it. during the events of the movie he is the happiest he has ever been because of the combination of the poets, acting, and keating. so when at the end of the play his father suddenly takes away all three, and his options are either to confront his father (something that he feels is impossible to do- even if it technically isn't, the fear he has surrounding it of his father listening but not caring, or making things worse than the are, or anything else, prevents him from doing it) or suffer through 10 years of medical school away from anything he actually cares about, he decides to remove himself from the situation entirely instead.

(theres something about the way his suicide is framed within the movie where in some fucked up way his suicide more than anything else is his carpe diem. he's seizing control of his life in the only way he is physically capable of anymore)

neil's suicide isn't rational but that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense or that he's overdramatic. just because logically waiting out the 10 years until he's away from his dad or leaving as soon as he graduates high school or turns 18 or whatever it is is a better option doesn't mean that 1. he'd have the idea to run away early or more importantly think it doable (he tries so hard to not directly disobey his father the whole movie and after doing it one time is now stuck in This situation, additionally, while this is the 50's and in general shit costed less/jobs were easier to get/etc. he is financially dependent on his father and running away without any support is not the smartest decision) and 2. that he'd be physically capable of enduring the 10 years. because 10 years is a long time Especially if it's 10 years studying to become a doctor, something that is both generally difficult and also something he Doesn't Want To Do. and so the sudden switch from happiest time of his life to suicidal throws people off and they don't understand why he wouldn't have done any of the other options that they thing are the logical ones but to him probably didn't seem physically possible.

[1moremilgram-enjoyer]

Muu T1 Cover - Otome Dissection

More cover connections! This time, we have our favorite queen bee herself, Muu, and her cover, Otome Dissection! Honestly, this is probably my favorite cover so far, Muu's voice is so good for this song! I really recommend you listen to it if you haven't.

That said, what, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck, is happening in this song?

CW Suicide and death, bullying

Otome Dissection is about a girl in a relationship, who loves her partner and is scared by the idea of them leaving.

Good evening, is now a good time? I didn't really have anything specific I wanted to say, but Now there's this and that, and an "it's alright" comes to mind Without you, none of that matters Both of us with our masks on, we flirted

Sorry for calling you so early I must've woken you up, huh? Are you up to chat right now? I had a dream where you fell in love with somebody else Please tell me it's not true. C'mon, love me please?

(Translation)

Got that? Good, because that's about the only thing I could gather the first time I read the lyrics.

The girl does not feel very happy with her life outside of the relationship, but struggles to communicate their pain to their lover. She really does want them to understand there's a problem, but she ends up framing her issues as only boredom.

It's in pieces, without spelling out "love" It's a penalty shoot-out, Feelings vs. Boredom Yeah, there's a kid there, lost in anything and everything, Shedding tears, meowing "SOS" with their eyes only halfway open This disease, the whole package, I'll send it to you as an attachment I don't wanna go so far as to share all the things that cause me pain I just wanna run away from this love...

(... Okay I'm gonna be honest. Different translations have very different lyrics, to the point where a lot of this might not be applicable to all translations. I hope you understand I'm struggling and accept that I have to pick one and run with it)

As you can see, she wants to share the "disease" with her lover, tell them what she's struggling with, but can't get herself to share all the things she's in pain about. No, I have no idea what the "wanna run away from this love" line means, it sorta contradicts literally the entire rest of the song, so... under the rug it goes!

The "kid meowing SOS" is actually the protagonist, because if you look at the video, while that lyric plays, the girl has a cat tail, and you know, "meowing."

DECO*27 try not to relate your characters to cats challenge level impossible.

The point is that she's dismissing her tears, like "yeah there's a kid there, they're kinda lost in the mess, don't worry about them." It comes off as somewhat nonchalant imo. Again, struggles to share her pain.

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Calling each other by our real names "I don't wanna live" was what I should've said Will I ever find peace?

(Note: The translation I'm using translates 'otome', but since the title doesn't, I don't want to do it here. Don't ask how my brain works, I don't know myself)

She should say she's suicidal, to get her lover to understand her issues before they go too far, but she can't get herself to do so. And because she's hurting so much, she attempts suicide, and her lover saves her. And she finds that... exciting? She finds it's the only way she can get him to pay attention to her struggles.

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Don't we all want some excitement to get our hearts pumping? I've wanted to feel shame ever since that night when I realized it's good as long as it hurts

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Pulling burning passion out of each other Feels stupid already, I can't stand you telling me "no!" Will we ever clear up this misunderstanding? Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Smearing drool on top of the "baguette" Let's see if our climax had been a letdown Ever since that night

It's not immediately obvious from the lyrics, but the video makes it much clearer.

... It makes it a bit clearer.

That's what "Otome Dissection" is. Otome means 'maiden', but with the wording of 'playing Otome Dissection' it may also be a reference to 'otome games', a genre of visual novels which are basically dating sims with girl leads. And I assume you know dissection is a process done on dead things. With that in mind, "playing Otome Dissection" would imply "playing at killing the maiden to date the lover", aka attempting suicide and getting her lover to save her. I know it sounds odd, but that is what's happening. You see her 'dancing with death' in most of the choruses.

The singer claims she does it because it's exciting, that nothing else makes her feel as good as it. Again, I believe it's more so that it feels good to have her lover concern themselves with her safety, but she just doesn't know how to express she wants them to do that without "playing Otome Dissection."

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Don't we all want some excitement to get our hearts pumping?

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Smearing drool on top of the "baguette" Let's see if our climax had been a letdown Ever since that night

"Smearing drool on the baguette" is vaguely sexual imagery depicting pleasure, though I'm not sure why we're bringing bread into it. Unless... baguette -> French -> Muu? My job is so unbelievably easy sometimes.

She does understand this isn't exactly good, but she can't help the way she feels when she does it.

I've wanted to feel shame ever since that night when I realized it's good as long as it hurts

(Note this all started in 'that night', when she came to a realization. 'That night' likely refers to the first time she attempted suicide, and thus, it seems she didn't know she'd enjoy it the first time. If you follow, that means she had other reasons for attempting suicide, which heavily implies those other struggles she's not mentioning do in fact exist and I'm not going insane. I clarify because the lyrics are very confusing so I gotta properly explain my interpretation)

Her lover also clearly isn't very happy with it, but she wants him to understand it really does make her feel good.

Let's play [Otome] Dissection! Pulling burning passion out of each other Feels stupid already, I can't stand you telling me "no!" Will we ever clear up this misunderstanding?

But there's a big problem. You might have seen it at the start, the lover starts to grow distant towards the end of the second verse.

I had a dream where you fell in love with somebody else Please tell me it's not true. C'mon, love me please? Two times a day, morning and night, I'll sprinkle spices on you The insanity of wrong assumptions has no effect Listen, you've been pretty cold lately

Uh... "sprinkling spices" probably means "making the relationship more exciting", which as we've established is what she feels she's doing by "playing [Otome] Dissection." The "wrong assumption" is probably that the lover is growing more distant and might even be interested in someone else, but the girl denies the idea, calls it "insane." She's in denial over her relationship breaking down.

Which is why she doesn't notice when the lover drifts away so much, the next time she "plays Otome Dissection", they don't end up saving her. She goes too far, and ends up dying.

Yeah, the song's pretty sad.

This was all already only slightly less complicated than the average Milgram MV, and what's even funnier is that now I have to find a way to connect all this to Muu! How the fuck- Yeah this one'sdifficult.

Okay, so there's two ways I think this can work. The first is what I think is more likely; the "lover" is actually Muu's group of old 'friends', and 'Otome Dissection' is bullying other classmates.

[It's Not my Fault] Sorry, sorry, that must’ve hurt. I didn’t mean to though. You got on my nerves just a teensy tiny bit, that’s all. So let’s say this makes us even.

(Using the fan translation here)

Since that lyric seems to be directed at her bullied classmates in the context of the MV, Muu is claiming she bullies them for small reasons ("you got on my nerves just a teensy tiny bit"), though it's very likely she's hiding the real reasons. As you may know, bullies are generally hiding some of their own insecurities by making fun of others', and considering the way Muu speaks of herself in After Pain, it certainly feels like that may have been the case.

[After Pain] If I was gone, If I had just disappeared I overheard, I found out How much I’m not needed There’s no special meaning, I got the short end of the stick I overheard, I found out How much I’m not needed

Plus there's the fact many people have pointed out that in It's Not my Fault, Muu is still represented in her own mind as a monster. Though everyone else in that mind space thing is also an insect, so maybe she just doesn't really think anyone in her school was all that great. Well, except Rei. The lesbian interpretation grows stronger by the day.

So, the same way Otome Dissection's protagonist was hurting in other ways yet claimed she only attempted suicide because it was exciting (and I guess she just expects us to ignore why she attempted suicide the first time), Muu bullied others to feel better about herself, but claimed she did it for more superficial reasons. In fact, the official translation even claims she did it "because of being bored", the exact same reason Otome Dissection girl gives. Admittedly I'm pulling this more from the cover itself than the base Milgram content, and a very specific reading of the song too, which is not always recommended, but still.

This means the end of the song, with the lover growing more distant and possibly taking interest in someone else, is paralleled in the way Muu's friends abandoned her for Rei. While Otome Dissection girl goes too far and ends up dying without receiving help, Muu bullies the wrong person or something, Rei "turns the hourglass" and she's abandoned to suffer for her actions. Get it? I think it makes some sense.

(I will ignore the fact most of this interpretation comes from It's Not my Fault when this cover was released with After Pain, and there's nothing you can do about it)

The second way to read this is... way less charitable, to both Muu and Otome Dissection girl. Basically, you could argue Otome Dissection girl was only attempting suicide to get pity from her partner, and connect that to Muu's desire to be pitied.

[It's Not my Fault] It’s not my fault after all, after all. Everyone wants me to be innocent. What a relief. Can’t be helped. I’m always meant to be pitied!

In this interpretation, Muu "playing Otome Dissection" doesn't refer to a specific action she does, but rather to the way she used to present herself in Trial 1, when she was trying to get pity from Es/the others. However, that doesn't explain what the ending of the song would imply for Muu. Although you could argue Otome Dissection girl's death isn't really referenced in the lyrics, so it wouldn't apply to Muu, maybe?

Alternatively, you could speculate Muu was getting pity from her old 'friends', and that's what Otome Dissection was for her. That way the ending could still parallel Muu being abandoned for Rei. However, I don't think that works too well, since it's never really implied otherwise that the others hung out with Muu out of pity, and in this case "playing Otome Dissection" didn't directly lead to her "death", unlike the song.

Because of all of that, I personally consider the first interpretation I gave the most accurate. Where Muu "playing Otome Dissection" refers to bullying others to get attention from her 'friends' and to hide her pain, and ends up being abandoned for bullying someone in front of Rei. All interpretations are valid, though!

Well, that took longer than usual. Hope you enjoyed anyways! Take care!

[brionysea]

current bnb status? like how many chapters r done / close to being done and what are some scenes ur working on now ? :3

hi hello!!! i was about halfway through drafting part 3 (i don't want to say chapter - they're Lengthy parts, there would be about 5 chapter breaks within each part if i was doing chapters) before i got distracted by the realisation that I Can't Write Whump. how do people write whump? i came here for the emotions and the trauma processing and now i have to write a character getting physically pretzled? rude

anyway, as of right now the plan is... 7, 8 parts? somewhere around there. part 1 is about 95% done (i'll probably get on that last 5% next time i pick up writing bnb again - dustin is being The Brain Cell Friend and he will not wait long); part 2 is like, 50% done, but that's mostly because writing a character realising their own mortality within the context of a pre-determined scene from the show is difficult and feels repetitive and stale in contrast to being able to just Make Stuff Up; everything beyond that is pretty mentally laid out by now but it's a bit haphazardly existent, writing-wise, and it's certainly not edited. max gets a speech at the end that makes me cry though. i have to break from the perspective character (mike) (he's a bit busy Antagonising The Antagonist at the time) (he does that a lot, it's concerning. where are the survival instincts? is he not paying attention to the moral of the story? it's that running is okay, mike! that's how you survive in stranger things!!!) to pull that off but i don't even care, it's so worth it

as far as scenes that are currently In Focus in my brain:

there's the dustin thing i mentioned. mike gets to catch him up on the Mike (And El) Are Being Weird part of season 3 that he missed out on in real time via distraction by russian conspiracy theories, which is always fun because dustin tends to listen when mike talks and he's been pretty distinctly kept separate from any and all Mike Is Being Weird parts of the show for a long while. because he is too smart and would figure out that that's Important, actually. writing what (if anything) he would do about that is going to be fun, because i wasn't really thinking about him before but now that he's here he will not be ignored. dustin also takes the time to battle mike's anxiety with flawless logic and wins, because dustin is amazing. i really love dustin and the lack of dustin&mike interactions is criminal

the other part that's currently in rotation, which i haven't actually gotten around to writing yet because of the pretzling (i won't provide details or context, it helps with the immersion :)), is max and mike being friends. aka the point of this whole endeavour if i'm being honest. they can allow themselves to be suicidal, that's fine, but if their friend tries it? right in front of them? tries to die right in front of them where they can see??? what an idiot. what a stupid idiot who needs to be saved from their own idiocy right away. get hugged, idiot. don't die. (<- if i'm being even more honest, THAT'S the point. teen suicide allegories vs the power of friendship. get friendshipped, idiot) (is this mostly me being bitter over the optics of Suicidal Teen Max Mayfield dying seconds after she realised she wanted to Live, Actually? maybe so. i hate that trope, even if in this case it's temporary death that does actually work for the allegory. let traumatised characters recover)

one thing i've noticed is that i have this inclination to try and make the wheeler family better? ted is a bad father, that's easy to roll with, he sucks, but i think about nancy and my brain is like Make Her A Good Sister (especially when she's good at solving puzzles and mike is very much a puzzle right now, but that's the case in the show too and she still Doesn't Really Care), or i try to write karen and my brain is like Make Her A Good Mother, which... she's trying, at least, but it's. it's quite hard to find that balance of well-meaning and still-doing-damage. because i know they're not a good family to mike but apparently my subconscious disagrees with that on principle and thinks he deserves one, established characterisation and relationship dynamics be damned, and that's just !! it's annoying!!!! i'm trying to do an accurate character study here, which includes the Not Fantastic family dynamics!!!!!! wanting to give mike wheeler good things and accurately writing about mike wheeler's life are not easily compatible goals and it's very irritating

anyway. this last part will probably mean nothing (yet), but i keep being tempted to finish and publish the first part even knowing that that would kill my motivation to actually finish writing the rest of the story (don't ask, the demand-supply part of my brain is broken), just so that people can see the bedroom window scene. i am So Proud of the bedroom window scene it's unbelievable

[lesbiangummybearmafia]

Dear Void,

I'm not ok, I haven't been ok for a long time, I keep it myself, because no one has the time to care that I'm not ok. I keep going not being ok. I might be homeless soon if everything I've been working for with an apt falls through because I got some papers work in a couple of weeks too late. It could mean the difference between me having a roof over my head or not. I wasn't told there was an expiration date that I had to have the paperwork in by.

I've been crying on and off all day since I found out. Terrified that nothing can be done. I have to wait until tomorrow to see if I can speak to my case worker, who truthfully doesn't give a fuck about me. Not because of me but because she has too many cases, is over worked and under paid. She can't seem to actually care that's I'm human being this effects my real life because of reasons I mentioned. I don't want to talk to her if she just going to treat me like a case number and not an actual person. But I don't have much choice. I'm scared she just going to give me the company line so to speak. So I spent most of the day going in touch with anyone else I thought might help me outside that agency, figuring my case worker isn't going to anything, which I feel would be her reaction to any of us that have her as case worker.

I'm telling this to the void, because I don't really have anyone else. Because I'm tried of this being another moment in my life where I was just about to get to something positive, something I truly needed and wanted, where I could literally feel it, see it, almost touch it... only to have it ripped away from me fucking again.

For anyone wondering why people not like you get suicidal this why! I'm just... losing the tiny little itty bitty sliver of stupid hope I just built back up. That maybe just maybe it could be alright. That I could start fresh and that would be good.

But fuck I never get to start fresh I just get more and more and more crap dropped on my head, fall in another deep fucking hole I have to fucking climb out of. But first I have to get all this crap out of the way, then I start climbing, just as get to the top, I can see the light not all the light mind you just a little bit. It all started all over again... and so.

The issue now is I no longer have the strength to keep starting over at bottom of the hole. I just want it all to just stop. Unfortunately my depression makes it far too easy for me to think of ways of just stopping it all. I'm at one if moments where I'm having trouble remembering why I should stick around. If it's just going to be more of the same why bother.

Some would say call the suicide prevention line. Here's the thing about that line if you haven't had the need to ever call it. I don't know if due demand or what but they seem to want to get you the fuck off it as fast as possible. Which doesn't really work when one is feeling stressed and wanting to kill one's self! Unless I guess you're actually holding a gun to your head, their not exactly patient and too willing to listen. Which call me stupid but I'd think that would be the point not how exactly suicidal are you? Oh you're not that bad could you please get the fuck off the line! They will literally hurry you the fuck up once they know or at least think you're not going to off yourself. To me not really helpful, it's more something to be avoided it all cost!

Tonight though dear void. I'm going to take something to help me sleep, just sleep. Other wise I'm not going to be able to, because my anxiety has to so amped up. If nothing the sun will be up tomorrow right...

[defeatsthem]

“📔” FOR MJSEFF I AINT EVER SENT SOMETHING SO FAST

TW for anyone that might read this, as this extremely dark au has already been discussed with @twotonesoffun. Read this with the utmost caution.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation

This takes place after Max's surgery and beyond. All he could do with his free time was mull over every stupid thing he'd ever done or said in his life.

Day 1:

Yesterday you left. I don't blame you for it one bit. You should've left. Matter of fact, you shouldn't have ever even shown up at the hospital at all. I keep staring at the bottle, the temptation to grab a fistful of pills and just end it right here is so tempting without you here. This house is so bare and I never realized how empty it was until your laughter wasn't here to fill it.

Day 13:

Thirteen days post-surgery. My knee still hurts like a fucking bitch. I won't lie, the worst part isn't getting out of bed by myself or having to resort to an in-house nurse in the meantime to take care of me now. It's humiliating. My fingertip keeps hovering over your name in my contacts, wanting to send a message but I don't dare to. Instead, I just open the video of me fucking that blonde woman to remind myself why I hate myself. Still, the temptation to take all those leftover painkillers lingers. I dunno why I haven't done it yet.

Day 42:

Physical therapy is getting easier, I guess. I can finally get off crutches in a few weeks but... whatever. It's been three weeks since the New Year holiday came and went and I can't believe it's been nearly a year since Seth and I hooked up at that rest top for the first time. I still remember how he felt... how I felt. It's forever engrained in my brain no matter how many times I wanna just forget about him because I'm ninety - nine percent certain he's forgotten about me already. I really need to stop directing this journal to him so maybe with this entry, it'll force me to.

Day 99:

Fuck, I miss you. I almost sent a message to you today, asking you how you were as if you'd even fucking respond. I at least finally flushed the rest of my meds down the toilet finally. They were burning a hole in my chest every single fucking night sitting on my nightstand. It was hard to discard the only thing you'd ever race to see me for. Fuck, I'm writing about him again when I said I wouldn't.

Day 273:

Nine fucking months. I was told I'd be out for an entire year but I'm a damn machine apparently. The past nine months have been an absolute mindfuck, but weirdly enough, it was necessary. I had to be on the brink of killing myself to see what I really wanted out of life. All I want is for him to be by my side again. Luckily, after getting some insider knowledge, I was able to find out where RAW is tomorrow night. I'm gonna go see him again. I can't be caught by security or talent otherwise I'll be kicked out immediately and probably arrested for breaking and entering into his bus but... at this point? I don't have much else to lose.

Day 274:

I'm burning this motherfucking journal right away tomorrow regardless of what happens in the next couple of hours. No one can know I even did this shit or sounded like such a whiny teenager bitch, okay? I can hear his music playing and I'm watching the show, sipping back an IPA from his fridge. The same kind that was in there the first time we met. He never changed, did he? He shouldn't. I can also smell that body wash he loves lingering throughout this entire thing. I don't dare make a sound since his driver is right outside, mingling with the crew. [THREE HOURS LATER.] I can hear his music playing again. He must've done the dark match after the show. At least it gave me some more time to get mentally prepared to see him again. I feel nauseous. Maybe I shouldn't have come...this was so fucking dumb of me. Shit. I hear his voice outside... here goes nothing.

[big-bundle-of-little-mistakes]

Well admitfedly I'm not doing good. Someone told me that I expect everyone to cave to my will and whims and the whole family has to walk on eggshells for me because of my issues (depression and anxiety, and being mostly nonverbal when upset because I need time to calm down first and put my feelings into words. Which isn't to say I don't want to revisit it later, like a mature adult, bit right now, I can't. I think it's because I have autism but I haven't gotten tested. I did get tested for and diagnosed with ADHD though. Have tried 2 different prescriptions but haven't found the right ones yet. Just pucked up my mood stabilizers for my vipilar depression this morning.) And this family member that said so expects to discuss things right away. I am not allowed time to process my emotions. This has always been the case growing up till now. He told me that he understands I have issues but he is just trying to bring me into reality. This really stung and made me feel like I am a selfish awful bitch who ruins everyones days and I need to just lock myself up at home and never leave again because I make everyone's lives worse, so I went inside and pounded the fuck out of my head and leg yelling at myself that I'm fucking worthless and awful and will never amount to anything. I scrarched the skin off my arms, hit my head while crying driving home several more times, screamed out loud to myself "you'd be fucking better off dead!" And went inside, collapsed crying on my bed, and was thinking the entire time "this is exactly why, because you are THIS. You are so fucking stupid and broken and sensitive. You're selfish and you're awful and you don't deserve to live. You'll never matter to anyone, nobody can ever love you, you'll never be better. You're mentally unwell and need to die" so I dialed the suicide hotline but hung up. I broke open my bottle of alcohol (not usually a drinker, last drank from home on New Years when playing video games with some friends, which is just a week under 6 months ago now), chugged straight fdom it, chopped all my hair off, and am crying in my bed now.

I have therapy in 2 hours.

And I just feel like shit. I hate myself. I believe I need to die. I don't think I deserve anything good because I AM sensitive, and acting this way only proved his point. Leading up to this I was already having really high anxiety, and struggling to get through the day, just waiting to get home and clean my camper (what I'm living in) and pet my cats and work on some art and learn Japanese. I just needed to go home. But he pulled me aside to say this to me 30 seconds before I could go home. And I just feel like I'm such a worthless piece of shit.

I have also been struggling to eat for the last 6 months, and battling the depression. I can't go in the store if there are more than 3 cars outside because it makes me too tense.

I just hate myself. One million sperm and I'm the loser that came out. What a fucking joke. What a fucking waste. I'm so sorry my mom carried me for 9 months. That poor woman deserved better.

[gregorygerwitz]

Wait your best friends with mouse in real life

Look, yes, I know this message is almost 6 months old, but I've been letting it sit here while I try to figure out how to respond. Because it's a question about something I said as a joke when answering something for a meme back in May, but this ask really made me think about it? And it's been... really relevant the last ~24 hours.

Under the read more for discussion of physical and mental health/illness, including depression and anxiety and particularly recent (passive) suicidal thoughts. 💜

The pandemic has been really hard on me, mentally. As someone who is immunocompromised and already has both heart and liver issues (both parts of the body that would have been made even worse off if I ever contract Covid), I had to really isolate myself a lot - especially when my immediate family did stupid shit and went on vacations and chose not to isolate despite the fact that I live in the same house as them.

I've always been a bit of a loner, shy and introverted, and yeah that's fine! I kind of enjoy being alone and being in my own space, but that doesn't mean it's not always really fucking lonely. Talking to myself is something I've always done to kind of cope with that loneliness. And since I think... high school? I've put faces to that, so it can be a conversation - it keeps my easily distracted brain stimulated enough to stay on task. And, 90% of the time, those faces have just been... characters that I really enjoy. Over the years, I've talked to characters from my favorite media and used that, uh... connection? I guess that's the right word. I've used that to talk through homework issues, or feelings about life and the world, and I can kind of categorize things better if I'm getting information I've stored in my brain from different "sources"? I'm currently learning programming as part of an application for a promotion at work, and having Mouse kind of in the back of my head as a face for that information for me to call back to later is really helpful.

But this week, for example, has been really rough - I've been injured, and that makes work hard, and I've been overwhelmed by the class I have to take on my own time, and deadlines I've put on myself, and outside pressures, and my mom's constant bad mood. I kind of hit my breaking point, though I couldn't even say when, exactly, that point was, just some time this week. I spend a lot of Tuesday and Wednesday zoned out, not processing anything, unable to stay on task at work, injuring myself again because I just... wasn't present. And after watching Med and Fire last night (still haven't watched PD, but I'm putting that off until after my mental health day), I really broke down and cried and just... didn't want to do it anymore. But some part of my self preservation and will to live was still there, because I've got Mouse in the back of my head telling me it's gonna be okay, if that makes sense? and that probably stopped me from doing some really stupid shit.

I kind of compare how it feels to something computer programmers do? If a code doesn't work, they'll read through it line by line to a rubber duck to look for whatever the mistake/typo is until they find it. Right now, Mouse is my rubber duck, and I can bounce things off of him to figure out my problems, whether they're small or big, and for the last ~13 months, he's kept me alive.

[forensicated]

05x03 - One To One

TW: Misogyny and discussions of cancer and death.

Tony and June are called to help Susan whose friend, Jo, is threatening to commit suicide. Tom reminds Tony to use his 'famous tact' which makes June laugh as she drives. Tony can't get his gloves on quick enough when he hears Jo is a drug addict who hasn't had a fix for 3 days. He barks at Susan to not disappear as they want a statement from her.

Jo can be heard trashing her apartment as June and Tony head upstairs. Tony continues to judge when he sees men leaving, 'it's a knocking shop. We're wasting our time with a junkie tom!"

Said Junkie Tom is played by Arabella Weir. Jo shouts at them that they're too late to raise the property and she doesn't want help. She threatens to set fire to the place if June comes anywhere near her. She's already poured paraffin everywhere. Tony tells June to leave it. Jo orders them to get out. June says Tony can leave but she's not going anywhere as she wants to talk to her. She urges Tony to leave, warning him that she won't calm down with him glaring at her.

Tony is really making no effort to disguise how he feels... (I have no idea where the idea of Tony being an avuncular supportive figure came from. Unpopular opinion perhaps but I found him mostly to be a judgemental arse often right through to the end and quick to take against his friends and gossip about them but the first to take MASSIVE offence if they did similar to him. Case in point being Jim Carver most often - the Lee Dwyer/Marie/June stuff being the most obvious parts but also blackmailing a moonlighting (because of debts) Amber to pretend to be his girlfriend when he hired an escort for a party and several occasions with Dave and Reg.)

He leaves the room and calls for a fire engine and ambulance to be on standby because 'the girl's playing silly beggars with paraffin and a lighter. Ackland's doing her samaritan bit'.

June asks Jo to give her the lighter to look after. Jo refuses and orders June to sit on the floor, blaming Susan for calling the police. June reassures her that they - like Susan - care and Jo scoffs. "You don't know me." June has to admit when questioned that all she knows about her is her first name. "People aren't allowed to kill themselves, that's why you came. I'm an addict, I'm not stupid!" She says she had it all planned out and was about to end it and they have ruined it. She asks June her name and tells her it's very boring and asks if she has a boring life. "... It's okay..." June says quietly. Jo rants and raves, telling June that she's burnt her septum away with her drug use so can't smell the paraffin she's poured everywhere. It also means she has to inject her cocaine now. She keeps whimpering for 'Nico' and then changing her mind saying no, she doesn't want him; she just wants it to end. June begs her to hang on a few more minutes to talk because she promised she would. After a bit of back and forth, Jo agrees not to set fire to herself whilst June talks to her.

June asks if she can make them a cup of tea, promising not to go near her. Jo refuses. June tells Jo she remembers her, she's the daughter of a local councillor. Nico is her pimp and Jo says he looks after her and pays her in drugs as long as 'she works hard'. There haven't been many 'customers' recently so he's not given her any drugs and has left her to suffer cold turkey as her punishment.

Tony continues to empty the building. One sex worker complains that she hasn't 'finished' with her customer. Tony suggests giving him a refund or a credit note as he leads them out, telling them they must stay out 'until they get the stupid little cow sorted'.

Jo tells June that she can't function without drug use. June explains that she's coming down and if she can last it out then she'd be clean. She begs her to hang on and let her help her. Jo accuses her of waiting until her friend returns with 'the rest' to rush her and take her out. She starts to rant that her mother was always on her back to do something with her life and to make something of herself. "I am doing something now, Mother." She spits. "Without you!" Jo is about to set fire to herself and June stammers the first thing she can think of to distract her. "It's a beautiful lighter, where did you get it from?" Jo is distracted and tells her it was a gift for getting into university. All she did with it was light her first joint with it and it spiralled from there. June tells her she wanted to go to university but wasn't brainy enough to get in. Jo tells her she was lucky.

Jo is clearly suffering from depression and tells June that she struggles to get up in the morning and get dressed. "You managed it this morning...?" "Because today was a big day!" Jo scoffs, starting to sob. She claims that Nico isn't there because he's afraid of watching. June admits she's scared. She tries to pounce on Jo but Jo dodges her and runs to the other side of the room. June distracts her from starting the fire by hearing someone outside. "Nico? Nico is that you?" Jo exclaims happily. Noone answers and June keeps listening, telling her that he could have brought her something good and what she's been waiting for. She encourages her to talk to him. Jo asks her to open the door. Outside the door is a little black cat who runs in. Jo breaks down again as June sighs and leans heavily against the wall.

Jo asks June to get the cat outside as she doesn't want her to see what she's going to do. The cat continues meowing pathetically and sounds hungry. June asks her if she has any food for her and Jo doesn't know. June chats about the cat to keep trying to distract Jo and make her realise she has something to live for. She finds some cat food and smuggles a tea towel into the sink whilst pretending she's looking for a tin opener. Jo locks the door and tells June she's missed her chance at leaving. "I told you, I don't want to go." She says calmly, not answering when Jo keeps asking her why she wants to watch her die.

Jo shouts at June that she's using the wrong dish to feed the cat and directs her to one that's already on the floor. June feeds the cat, telling Jo that the tuna is her cats favourite too. When the cat has eaten, June gives her a cuddle. She claims she's clearly well looked after and is a credit to Jo's caring skills. She tells her that she clearly wants her. Jo argues with June to get her to take the cat away so she doesn't see what happens to her - throwing the key over to the door for her to do so. June tells Jo to tell the cat why she's making her homeless and giving her up and to throw her outside herself. "Tell her you're coping out and leaving her to die!" she says pointedly. They argue and Jo strikes June, sending her flying.

Jo tells her to wash her mouth because she's got blood on it. June takes the opportunity to soak the tea towel whilst she does. She glances outside and spots the ambulance and fire brigade waiting. She asks Jo if she's ever seen a burnt body and that if she's trying to make a statement the world won't even realise she's made it. She claims it'll be written off as an accident to cover her mums reputation. Jo scoffs and suggests that they'll know what really happened and why. June tells her that she'll only be the one who truly hurts - other than the other residents who will also lose their homes. June reminds her that she cares about the cat and other residents. She can detox because June knows she's strong enough.

Jo realises that June is holding the tea towel behind her back and orders her to throw it away. She claims June is just like the rest who talk all the time to get what they want. June tells her she's seen her kind a thousand times before and that she doesn't truly know what it's like to have real pressure. She claims that real pressure is having to nurse her father through terminal cancer and watch him get weaker only to end up hating him because he won't die. She bursts into tears and turns away from Jo. "I didn't ask you to come here. The keys over there, get out!" Jo tells her. Jo goes to force June out only for June to force her down to the ground and overpower her, knocking the lighter from her hand. She then cradles Jo, promising her it's ok.

Jo keeps telling her she was going to do it and it wasn't a cry for help. June reassures her she understands and it's OK and she'll help her.

June sighs in relief and holds her until Jo hears June's radio crackle into life. Jo thinks 'the others' have been listening in, even when June tells her that they (her and Jo) can hear the radio but those outside the room can't hear them through it. Jo thinks they've been listening all the time and that they're laughing at her. She insists they don't give a toss and leaps on the lighter. She sets fire to her room. The two women fight as the fire grows and June shouts for Tony to help her as she's locked in the room. He kicks it in and the cat rushes out as he helps June wrestle Jo out. It's just in time as the windows explode upstairs.

"NHS are going to love you..." Tony scoffs to June as she helps Jo into the back of the ambulance.

June is contacted by Tom who asks her to call in at another job once she's had a cup of tea to get over what has happened!

[alexisnotstraight]

a more personal rant than usual :/

if you would feel uncomfortable by knowing really personal stuff about me, dont read this :)

this is a little bit long and im sure has a lot of grammatical errors and shit like that, but i really dont have anyone to rant. also im sorry but this is gonna be maybe really depressing, not my usual happy, exclamation marks user :( sorry

tw for sh and suicidal thoughts

today i was going to go sleep at 12 pm as usual. i went to say goodnight to my mom and brother, i was so tired more mentally than physically tbh. i just said "this has been the worst couple of months of my whole life", my mom asked why and i told her that i didn't know, that i just felt really miserable. she went to the bathroom without really reacting to what i said. my brother stayed and sat beside me, i was already crying.

these last couple of months have been awful, i dont think i have ever felt so miserable in my entire life. i go to sleep wishing i was dead, i wake up in the middle of the night wishing i was dead, i then waste 13 hours consuming media to numb my brain from self destructive thoughts.

it got kinda better within a couple of days, still hating myself but more quietly this time, i have been struggling with self harm for the last couple of months, i did it every day for a while, then i got clean for a month, then i relapsed, then i got clean again, then i relapsed, then i got clean again, every time i spent less and less time clean. so i finally decided i wanted to leave it for good, no how hard it will be, i wanted to get clean.

before going to sleep today i started to unfortunately think again, my head realized that so i just thought to myself "oh, youre getting suicidal again, alex". thats when i realized how fucked up i am. no one should ever think "youre getting suicidal AGAIN", so when my brother sat in front of me i just started crying.

i never cry in front of him, i dont like to cry in front of people in general. if he sees me crying its because i saw some bad sad movie, nothing too personal. we dont talk a lot neither, if we talk its about business or some meaningless talk about cats or dr pepper. last time i hugged him it was early 2018, we're coworkers and we act like it.

i said i felt really miserable, he said that we all feel like that nowadays, i said ive been feeling like this since june. he was nice, he didn't make me feel stupid for having feelings or completely ignore me when i show some kind of negative emotion like my mom does. he is nice, i love him, i hope he knows that. he then took me to the store so i could go outside and have direct sunlight in me for the first time in weeks, i saw a goat.

i hope everything gets better, i really do. i want to get old, maybe be that weid uncle that has weird stories and knows way too much celebrity drama. maybe have kids at some point, idk this world is too fucked, im pretty sure i will die alone. well my kom told me that i will never die alone because i will never die. i still dont know how to feel about that. i want to have a life, be able to at least make it to 20.

i feels awful right now tho, i went to sleep every day wanting to be happy again. i dont wanna be happy anymore, i just wanna be okay.

the girl that used to be my best friend and i haven't talked since January 1st :/

we talked every day for 2 years but i always felt that the friendship was one sided, so the first day of 2024 i decided i will not be the first one to always reach out. she never texted me again. i really liked her, she was the only person i had to talk to. i came out as pansexual to her and since then things sstarted feeling weird, she didn't answer texts and was kinda cold when she did. when i was going through grief and just trying to deal with the really recent loss of someone i loved, she wasn't there. she explicitly told me she will be there if i needed anything, then proceeded to ignore all of my texts, i was crying every day non stop but after she didn't answer i thought that it maybe was because my sadness made her uncomfortable, so i just tried to be happier and fake to be my usual self for her, because i wanted to be happy, i didn't care if i was dying inside, as long as she didn't keave me everything will be okay. last night i realized shes actually bisexual, so if she started acting all weird on me it wasn't because of my sexuality, it was for me just being me i guess. i dont know how to feel about that. she was literally the only friend i had, i would've really liked having someone to talk to in these months.

grief hasn't been so bad lately, almost 10 months without him. it still feels like shit, i wish i could hear his voice again. i miss hearing him sing that stupid love song i hated so much. i tried looking for a video of him, see if someone had posted something after he died. nothing. i haven't heard his voice in 9 months, every day im going a little bit more insane. i dreamed about him a couple of days ago, i told him goodbye, i hugged him and kissed his cheek, he told me everything will be okay. i want to believe him so bad.

i hope everything gets better, i have been clean for a couple of days now, i dont know how many, i dont like keeping count it just makes me want to relapse more than i already want to. ive been trying to drink more water, i haven't been eating that much, i mostly eat once at day. i still somehow managed to gain weight, a pair of pant that i didn't want to wear last month because they were too big for me and always feel now fit me like a glove. i dont know how to feel about that neither.

anyways, I'll try to be happy. i know once i come out my mom wont accept me. im broke and not old enough to move out, so im trying to save money to move when i finally get the change. i know thats when i will be happier. so now im just trying to enjoy the time i have left with my mom.

i hope everything gets better, i really do

[purplesurveys]

1890

Do you know anybody who is ambidextrous? I might, but I'm not able to remember anyone specific right now.

Have you ever been 4-wheeling? We did it once when we were in Ilocos, yes.

What’s the weather been like today? The crazy April-May heat has subsided a little bit, but we're left with humidity which is just as nasty so I'm still a complainer lol.

What was the last exam you sat for? Not an academic exam or anything like that, but I had my medical exam earlier this year.

Will you be attending any weddings in the near future? Angela and Hans', but that won't be til late next year.

Do you currently have any unread text messages, and who from? I'm sure I do. I wanna say half of it is from scammers, the other half is work-related that I haven't been assed to check.

Speaking of text messages, what colour is your cell phone? It's blue. Not my first color of choice because I never really wanted a colored phone, but at the time I needed a new phone (my old one had entirely died on me and being picky about color wasn't an option) and the best shop I could find only had the iPhone 13 in blue lol.

Do you live anywhere near the woods? Nah.

Would you ever consider a career in the tourism industry? I've fantasized about what it'd be like to be an airline stewardess because I really find their day-to-day super interesting, but I don't know if I can shift my career towards it. I'm too focused on where I am to consider it at all.

Do you have any important anniversaries you celebrate? Trigger warning: Suicide. There's my birthday, there's June 13 for BTS, there's April 7 which I simply refer to as my Life Anniversary since that's when I decided I'd be a fan of the boys and subsequently be saved from the s* I was planning later that month.

When was the last time you used q-tips? Around 3 nights ago.

How does your hair react to humid weather or rain? It's super frizzy, so I always have to tie it back when it gets humid.

What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Lemon.

Do you understand music theory? I don't know the first thing about it.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? I slept early because the day before was SHIT and I just wanted to disappear. That said, I want to say I slept for 11 hours.

Are you expected to act professionally at your job? Aren't we...all? It's a job.

Infomercials: entertaining or stupid? Entertaining precisely because it can get so stupid.

What’s your favourite brand of energy drink? I don't drink those.

Do you have (or have you ever had) acne? I've had them.

When was the last time you got pins-and-needles? I usually get them when waking up :/ I don't move a lot when I sleep, so when I do get in a certain position in-sleep I could be stuck in it for hours. That said it's usually either one of my arms that gets the pins and needles, and when I wake up there's like one full minute where I don't feel my arm at all and any attempt to move it I only get a jelly response from that arm haha.

Why did you click to take this survey? I didn't click it, it's just archived in my Likes and this was the next one on my list.

If you have glasses, have you ever smashed them? Accidentally, yes.

How do you get new music? Buy or download or what? I've used Spotify since like 2014.

Do you require a lot of time to do things or are you quick? It depends on what needs to be done. At work I've been told I'm quick on my feet and get things done in a snap...I know I'm not the same in every situation, though.

What will be the next concert you attend? Nothing lined up anytime soon. I really want it to be BTS though? I hope my friends and I can snag those damn tickets because it will be a stupid bloodbath for sure.

Turn the nearest television on, what’s on? It's currently on; I have a replay of BTS on You Quiz on the Block. Terrific series of interviews that I never get tired of going back to.

How often do you “wake up on the wrong side of the bed”? Tbh never. I make it a point not to. I absolutely dread the idea of starting work already in a sour mood.

Can you rap? I memorize several rap verses/songs but that doesn't mean I can rap, so no.

What do you usually order when you’re at McDonald’s? Plain double cheeseburger (meaning no pickles, no onions, no ketchup, no mustard), large fries, and coffee.

Are there any textbooks near where you are right now? Nah.

What’s the time? 9:52 PM.

Do you know how to use a DSLR camera? Only when it's set to automatic which barely counts, lol. I don't know how to take good photos if I otherwise need to set it manually.

How’s your body temperature right now? No idea and I have no thermometer nearby, but I'm assuming it's well below 37.5C since I don't have a fever.

Do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit? Celsius.

What was the last thing you got a really good deal on? I mean I got a discount from the vet earlier hahah so that's always great.

Have you ever studied any ancient societies? Sure. Nothing in-depth, but I like to read about history from time to time on my own.

Do you like to wear long, dangling earrings? I would enjoy that, but I can't do it. I tore my piercing years ago and I haven't been able to wear earrings since haha.

What was the last reason you took medicine? Horrible horrible horrible headache.

Do you exercise regularly? No.

What is your coffee of choice? (flat white, cappuccino, etc.) Caramel macchiato for the most part, but Starbucks has this mouthful of a drink that's been my usual – the order is literally called brown sugar soy milk iced shake espresso. I hate the name, but it gets the job done for me hahah.

Do you pay any attention to your country’s politics? Yeah very much so. We're not exactly in the best situation politically, so I'm always following the news.

Are you feeling worried about anything right now? A little, but I'm mostly annoyed and a bit angry at it now.

Are you a gossipy type of person? Just with Angela, but it's not even mean-spirited at this point lol. If we catch something on our news feed, we talk about it in a very "wow we're all getting older" "She really deserves this" "Her baby is so cute" way haha.

When will your next meal be, and do you know what it will consist of? I ate so much over lunch that I'm still full now at 10:04 PM. That said, I did get a couple of doughnuts at the mall earlier and I'll probably just have those as a midnight snack.

Tell me about the sickest you’ve ever felt. Either the time I got hospitalized in 2011 over a low platelet count; my UTI in 2020 where I had a 40C fever; or Covid last year when I got every goddamn symptom possible and felt like a corpse.

What’s your opinion on your in-laws, if you have any? I don't have any ~direct in-laws, but my cousin's fiance can't be more fantastic. She's so kind, easy to talk to, and is very affectionate. Super sweet girl and every conversation we've had is a great memory.

Do you make excuses often, or do you just get things done? I complain to hell and back first, then I do the thing because it'll never do itself anyway lol.

Have you seen your best friend today? Nah. I did see her Monday, though.

What can you smell right now? Room smells like nothing to me at this point, but I know that's because I've been here for hours and have just grown accustomed to whatever smell it has.

Any important birthdays coming up? It's my paternal grandma's birthday today! After her, it'll be my mom's and sister's in September. Their birthdays are a week apart.

Fireworks: yay or nay? Yay, tbh.

Do you have any plans for the rest of the day? I haven't taken these in weeks so I might take one or two more.

How about tomorrow? Any plans? I have a bit of work that I need to squeeze in, but it's okay because it's the part of work that I enjoy doing. We might also take a trip down south to visit my dad's family to celebrate my grandma's birthday, and also because it's my dad's last weekend before he needs to leave for work again.

If you could eat or drink anything right now, what would it be? I have Biscoff doughnuts waiting to be eaten.

What colour are your headphones? I have Airpods; they're white.

Think of the last long car trip you had, where did you go? Tagaytay was the most recent long one...tbh we don't do long rides anymore haha. We used to be able to reach places like Ilocos and Bicol, but that was also when my dad was a decade younger. He likes to take it easy now – super understandable – so when we travel, it's either by car to somewhere more reasonable (Bulacan, Tanay, Tagaytay, Subic) or by plane to a different country altogether.

Do you have a Twitter account that you use regularly? I have an account but I don't use it nearly as much as I used to. It's a gross place to be in now...people are always fighting, throwing slurs, canceling one another, and watching fanwars just genuinely bums me the fuck out.

Have you ever seen a horseshoe crab? They’re scary, right?! I don't think I have.

What was the last movie you saw at the theatres? I haven't been to the cinema since they screened BTS in Busan early last year, lol. But I did watch The Menu at home with my dad and sister just the other night.

Are there any new movies that you’d really like to see? Moana 2 :)

If you could play one instrument flawlessly, what would it be? The piano.

Do you overthink a lot of things? Yes "Overthinker" is my middle name.

Is there anybody you miss but can’t see again? Yes. I wish my grandfather didn't pass so early.

When was the last time you had a hangover? Last weekend.

Do you remember much from high school? Bits and pieces. I remember the good parts of it more than the mundane and outright bad, that's the most I can say.

Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? I'd love to visit either India or Turkey. Or Morocco.

Can you access the roof of the building you live in? Yeah, well it's our home, so.

Do you know anyone who has a strong accent that is hard to understand? Sure. I'll work with foreign clients from time to time. By far, the Singaporean English accent is what's made me lean into my speakers the most frequently, like to make sure I understand clearly.

If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? Kimi's pawprints.

What was the last podcast you listened to? Do you listen to it regularly? I don't listen to podcasts much. I'm a visual consumer, and I like to be able to see things as I listen to them, so with podcasts I usually zone out pretty quickly.

Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist, and why do you think this is? It's such a copout answer but I'm honestly a realist more than anything. With optimism I don't want to fall into the trap of overpromising things for myself, or setting up grand expectations only to be disappointed...but I also don't want to be pessimistic and like, jinx the ugly stuff to actually happen. For the most part, for me, it's a mix of being realistic and having the "whatever happens happens so just deal with it" mindset.

When was the last time you moved houses? 2008.

Have you ever held a gun? Did you fire it? I haven't. My family actually went to a shooting range for the first time this morning and fired guns for an hour straight, so this question is amusingly timely. But as for me, I was in a terrible mood this morning coming from yesterday's shitty work day, so I sat it out. I also didn't want to be near guns while feeling super vulnerable.

Do you like simple questions or deep questions that make you think? Like on surveys? Just simple ones would do.

How long have you been using Bzoink? I had been going on it regularly from 2009 to earlier this year when it shut down for good. I'm pretty sure there's like a fanmade version of it that's since come out though – I just can't remember the link rn lol.

When was the last time you threw up? Why were you sick? Early May. Food poisoning.

Are you on a first-name basis with your boss? (or last boss if unemployed) Yes.

What brand is your laptop or computer? Apple.

Would you ever wear a bright orange shirt? I have one but I only wear it occasionally as orange isn't really my color.

What was the last thing you wrote in a word document? Just some document I needed to accomplish for work.

Who do you miss and what do you miss about them? Kimi. I miss how clingy he was, how quietly sweet, and how I was his person from the very start to the very end. He really was and is my soulmate in so many ways.

What were the best and worst costumes you’ve ever worn? Best was going as Sofie from Halloween 2014 (or 2015?). Worst was a store-bought pirate outfit.

Do you know anybody who is gay and married? In Catholic Philippines? Hahaha.

What did you last take painkillers for? Headache.

Are there any hobbies you want to get back into? I wish I had the patience for coloring and painting-by-number.

Have you ever shared a home with a friend? I mean just for overnight stays, really. I haven't had a friend who needed to stay for a certain length.

What’s the craziest or weirdest place you’ve ever slept? Bathtub is definitely up there (it was empty).

What did you have for lunch today and who made it? The chefs at Ramen Nagi made the ramen I had for lunch.

Do you believe in anything supernatural like ghosts or ghouls? No.

[the-firebird69]

Don't you think is the life there a little bit funny and it's Mike dodos running the America's funniest home videos and he smiles and laughs as white people are getting hit and he is going to be in a bunch of movies he's already in but it's a classic

We have a little situation here has to do with the John remillard he is not supposed to be here and it's the best several people have asked him to leave and he refuses to and he's been asked to leave by the local government and the landlord and the state government and he's been asked to leave by Emily blunt and he won't and he is a nuisance are there several people who have told them that he's out and more people are telling him now and he's not listening in other words he is holding on here like he has something and it's the last thing on earth and they need to know what that is people think it's a ship or something and looking around and they think it's him and he say I don't think so. So it looked everywhere mostly could not figure it out so had to search all over and try and figure out where it was that's the solution refuses to do anything so it went on for quite a while and it was a mystery for quite some time the other day someone said look we need to know why you're there cuz she won't leave and you're stuck to him and we don't want people stuck to him and he said haven't you'll see me my the whole time stuck to his family and like you are now now you're being some sort of loser and will not leave. At all. Let me find it to be disgusting and repulsive and you are going to go down you're ruining our image and our plan and everybody else's plan to still be an earth will have a plan because of you sucking and we will get you out of there and I said it too cuz they had yes no answer for really doing it they told him if you're not out of here you're going to be out of here and we are not going to tolerate it and it started again today that he is just sitting there saying stuff and doing things and being mean and there's no point to it so they got up today and they said we've actually had enough of yourself you're staying around us telling us we're all gone laughing at us blabbing in your a nonsensical jerk and you've had enough so the going after them and that's the trumpsters they are going after. You hear them complaining and say stupid s*** and we are going after them for it. We do see why why they're sitting here what we do not approve of it and it's evil and the guys they're selling it two evil people that they're provided some kind of service by being so mean and we want them out of here but there is a big push again to get him out and it's real and it's from all these people that have the power to get him out right now he's just sitting here doesn't want to move and uses forced to get here and they noted how and they're going to cut him off the empire wants to cut them off it just seemed to see him wanting to be here and to suckle however dangerous to himself or deadly really and do nothing so they figured if you hold them out he might do something elsewhere instead of just get rid of himself I only see him doing that he's committing suicide and doesn't know it and is a delusional freak so the empire is going to give him a hand and getting rid of himself and they'll see that Tommy f is helping make it happen to try and grab our son they're starting that tonight and others are too it's very big news

Thor Freya

Olympus

Zues

He's killing his people and getting them killed and having them killed he's a delusional freak and one of his own people want him out and he refuses to leave and after time you think it hit him but they they are hitting him and he still refuses to leave and he knew he was up to it before and are having him arrested is a huge bum and they're going at it more now with him

Hera