#it's about his closest friend forgetting his entire existence. And having his memory replaced with the picture on a wanted poster.

[084392]

its nice to feel wanted

[gryffindors-weasley]

Finding A Light

Ron Weasley x Fem!Reader

Summary: Ron was left broken in the aftermath of the wizarding war. In an attempt to build a better life, he feels he may have unknowingly met someone who could put those pieces back together.

Warnings: angst, mentions of death, grieving, fluff

A/N: Remus is very much alive in this series! This will be more than one part, I hope you enjoy!

Ron Weasley was a man of few words when presented the daunting task of expressing his emotions, preferring to stuff them down and deal with the consequences later. He never outright says what he’s feeling unless it’s pried from him, and in those times it’s usually expressed through anger. He isn’t great with his words either, so it didn’t come as a surprise to Harry and Hermione to see him so closed off after the war had concluded its disastrous rampage.

It was a battle that anyone and everyone involved was more than likely to never forget, the losses and hardships engraved in their minds as a permanent reminder should their memory allow it as they age. Some had come out on the other side more fortunate than others. Some had handled it far better than others. Ron was not one of those people.

His long awaited ambitions on becoming an Auror were rapidly diminished and pushed to the very back of his mind for a good while. He had wanted absolutely nothing to do with magic beyond that very day, thought that maybe if he hadn’t used it, it wouldn’t remind him of his tragedies. That maybe that part of his life would be forgotten in time if he tried hard enough. So, his wand, his robes, his Hogwarts letters and what was left of his sentimental wizarding memorabilia were hastily shoved into a cardboard box, taped shut and stuffed away to collect dust. Out of sight out of mind was his reasoning, though it didn’t quite work out that way.

The loss of his childhood home paired with the devastating loss of one of his older brothers had been a weight too heavy to bear, pressing down on his chest with each day that passed. He nearly lost two of his closest friends amidst the chaos the Dark Lord left in his wake. Such a lifetime of pain and loss was something he never anticipated to experience all by the young age of eighteen, and it left him feeling like a mere shell of the person he once used to be. As if the years of extraordinary magical endeavors prior to that day were completely erased and replaced with utter heartache.

It took him four years to bring himself out of the pit he found himself stuck in and find some semblance of strength, if only for his mother, and he wanted to build a better life for himself. One without so much sorrow written into his story. He wasn’t entirely sure how to go about doing so, knowing a return to a normal life simply wouldn’t be feasible. Not that his life had ever been considered normal per say.

The emotional scars were something that would never go away, he understood that, but he didn’t think he could go another day having the same mundane routine night and day. He felt ready for more.

Now, at the age of twenty-two coming up on twenty-three, he found himself returning to Hogwarts with hopes to become a professor. His heart nearly beat out of his chest when he arrived, sick to his stomach with nerves as he stopped and stood in the middle of the newly constructed stone bridge. His letter crinkled under the pressure of his tightly clenched hand, luggage in the other, eager students curving their stride to avoid running into him. The castle was more grand than he’d remembered it to be, perhaps they’d made it bigger to house more young witches and wizards, perhaps it wasn’t. Either way, against his instincts, he forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat and continue forward before he convinced himself to turn around and apparate home.

He quickly found that things had been kept fairly the same as he roamed the grand halls in curiosity, as similar to the school he’d grown up in as it could be. The wondrous ceiling of enchanted candles in the Great Hall was a detail that briefly gave him watery eyes; the varying hues of reds, oranges and yellows coloring the Gryffindor common room, down to the house flags pridefully ornamenting the new quidditch pitch. He found himself turning to express his awe to Harry or Hermione on more than one occasion, but was only met with the unfamiliar faces of new students. His shoulders would slump as he exhaled a deep sigh.

It had taken him nearly two months to fully adjust to his newfound routine, to come to terms with the memories that flashed in his mind of their own volition. Whether they be good or bad, they had a habit of making themselves known at the worst of times. Over the course of that time period crumpled pieces of parchment had accumulated around the desk in his room, unsent letters to his mother of his wishes to return home. All of which were written hastily in either frustration or tears, or a mixture of the two. And of the ones he had sent, they were promptly returned with enchanted letters vocally telling him with the utmost of love and sternness that he will be staying, he needs this. Those letters kept him going on those days.

Amongst those days and nights it was strange not having his two best friends there, loneliness still having its hold on him.

Remus Lupin had made his return all the more welcome though, himself and McGonagall being two of the only familiar faces that he’d truly connected with. He felt it was an honor to be taken under his wing and trained, he always had been Ron’s favorite instructor of Defense Against The Dark Arts. He’d even go so far as to say he’s the best if he was being honest.

Regardless, despite his own personal conflicts, he was beginning to feel more comfortable residing there than he had ever thought he would. It was as if the nagging rain cloud dumping over his head was starting to dissipate for the time being.

“You did very good today, Ron,” Lupin says once his final class of the day has left, “the teaching of boggarts is never easy I’ll say, and if I recall correctly it wasn’t your favorite lesson.”

Ron chuckles at the thought, pushing his chair in when he stood. “Not particularly. I still have a nightmare or two about that bloody spider.”

Lupin laughs, nodding at the pleasant memory. Things fall quiet for a few moments as Ron moves to sling his bag over his shoulder. “Off you go, Mr. Weasley, enjoy your weekend,” he urges, grabbing Ron’s attention again before he gets too far. “Here’s your weekly report. You’re becoming a fine up and coming professor I’d say. I have no doubt that I will be leaving my classroom in the best possible care.”

Ron nods with a soft laugh, cheeks flushing a pale crimson at the reassurance as he takes the parchment from him, tucking it into his bag to be read later. “Thank you, Professor Lupin, really. It means a lot to hear.”

He smiles appreciatively before making his way across the long classroom, stopping in his tracks. He takes a breath to gather his thoughts before spinning on his heel to face him again, returning to the desk he sat at. “Can I ask you a question?”

“I suppose.”

He offers Ron a smile upon seeing the clear hesitancy written all over his face. Ron gulps, fumbling with the strap of his bag that rested on his shoulder. He could practically see the gears turning in the ginger boy’s head if such a thing existed. “Was it…was it hard coming back here? After the war, I mean.”

Lupin huffs out a soft laugh at the sudden ask of such a deep question, though he can’t say he was surprised. “I was waiting for this question to arise,” he says, lifting a hand to stop Ron from apologizing. “To give a short answer, yes. It took great thought. To give a long answer, one you may not like but I’m sure you already know, there will always be bad days after experiencing such trauma. It is not easy being born into a life where magic is real and not just a trick of the eye. While it can be wonderful it also brings with it a great deal of damage.”

Ron nods as he listens to his words, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Despite all of it, Hogwarts is a place that can be good just as much as it can be bad. You just have to take it in your stride. You’re stronger than you think, Ron. If you really want to be here, I believe it is worth it to try.”

Ron exhales deeply, taking a moment to process his insightful words, a certain wisdom he appreciated. It left him feeling considerably lighter than he had before, like he was a bit more hopeful of a better experience here. “Thank you.”

That’s all he can manage to say.

The blue eyed man in front of him nods. “Go on now, you’ve had a long day, Weasley.”

—

Ron found himself to be rather excited for this weekend. It would be his first time making a trip to Hogsmeade in nearly five years, though he’d been putting it off because the experience wasn’t quite the same when doing it alone. Third years buzzed around him with the excitement of their newfound privileges and independence, bouncing from shop to shop to fully take in all that it had to offer.

He, however, walked at a leisurely pace amongst the students bustling around him, taking a moment to fully appreciate everything he hadn’t seen for so long. Catching details that otherwise went unnoticed like the chipping pink paint on the curved windowsills of Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop, and the happy young couples residing inside. The vibrant green moss that formed inbetween the crumbling cracks of the old cobblestone walkways. However, the sight of Zonko’s Joke Shop made his heart lurch in his chest the moment he saw it.

He averted his gaze immediately, swallowing thickly as he tugged at his shirt collar that suddenly felt a little too constricting. It had been Fred and George’s favorite shop to frequent, always buying new things to add to their inventory of pranks. But now that one half of the pair was missing it wasn’t such a fond memory anymore, moreso a taunting one.

The sound of a couple students joyously greeting with a chorus of ‘Hi Mr. Weasley!’ pulled him from his thoughts and he was quick to smile, giving them a half wave as they had already begun to walk away. He let his hand fall back to his side, huffing out a sigh as he continued to walk along the path towards the one place he looked forward to the most, Honeydukes.

The little bell overhead alerted his entrance as he opened the door, the air noticeably sweeter than outside. He found himself smiling as his gaze bounced around the near unchanged shop, any candy you could possibly think of lining almost every brightly painted wall. Though not every single one is a desireable find, he learned that one the hard way. He almost didn’t know where to begin, much like how he felt the first time he ever entered the place, and every time after that for that matter. So he perused the shop, something he’s never done by himself.

His eyes landed on familiar chocolates, and he was quick to grab a box for Hermione because he knows they’re her favorite. Despite such knowledge she still adamantly denies having a sweet tooth to this day. To go along with that, he snags one of the last chocolate frogs for Harry.

It was a fond memory when he thought of it, a tradition they’d had as young students. He’s still got the cards he’d collected from each frog, they were tucked away in that box filled with other things. Maybe when he returned home he’d have the courage to reopen it.

He continues to look around for a bit more, finding himself wishing he had the same sense of enjoyment and innocence as some of the younger students held. For they were fortunate enough to narrowly miss being involved with such negative events. He had to remind himself that it wasn’t looming over his head anymore, to let himself enjoy this very moment. So, he tried his best to clear his mind and bring himself back to his current situation in the middle of an aisle filled with hard candies.

When he had turned the corner of said aisle he collided with something, someone to be more specific, the box clutched in his hands opening on impact and sending the assortment of sweets clattering to the ground with the addition of others. The chocolate frog had fell from its decorative box and hopped out of sight before he could process it.

“I’m so sorry!” A soft voice sounds in front of him, a warm hand enveloping his wrist.

“It’s okay…” Ron trails off when he matches the voice to its owner, blinking slowly as his mouth hangs slightly agape. He found himself staring at the girl, he was quite sure he’d never seen someone so alluring, so captivating. He didn’t know if he could manage to stop gawking. “I-it’s okay.”

His cheeks redden when he realized he’s repeated himself, the fiery heat of embarrassment burning from the very tips of his ears down to his neck, leaving his pale skin flushed. You too came to the realization that you were still gripping his arm, quickly dropping it as you laughed softly to stave off any awkward silence. He averts his eyes momentarily, needing a moment to regain his composure and not make a complete fool of himself in front of the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. Though he’s quite sure he already has.

“I told Mr. Flume it shouldn’t be quite so cramped in here, but he never seems to listen,” you laugh, looking at the smattering of sweets scattered around the two of them. Ron was focused less on the mishap and more on the way you smiled brightly at him, knowing his cheeks were undoubtedly the same shade as his hair. “Give me just one moment, please!”

He nods just a little too late as you rush off around another corner and out of sight, leaving him to stand there awkwardly as students in the vicinity stared at the mess sprawled at his feet. Shortly, you indeed did come back, a new box of chocolates and what was now the last chocolate frog in your hands. You thrusted them in his direction with a warm smile, one that made his heart flip in his chest. “Take these, it’s on the house.”

“Oh I couldn’t do that,” Ron rushes.

“Please, it was my mistake. I insist.”

He laughs softly, nodding after a moment. “At least let me help you clean up?”

You nod up at him with a laugh of your own, “deal.”

He tries not to think about the way your fingers brush over his as they pick up chocolates from the checkered floor, tossing them into the nearby trash bin. And he tried not to think about the way you’d had his stomach twisting in knots as if he was a thirteen year old again experiencing his first crush.

“I’m Y/n, by the way.”

He scrambled to think of a response, seemingly forgetting his own name momentarily. It hadn’t gotten any better when you looked up at him politely as if waiting for a response. “I’m Ron…Ron Weasley.”

He could’ve kicked himself for being so awkward, knowing him stumbling over his words couldn’t possibly give off any sort of appeal. He brushed his hands off with a sigh as he stood to his feet. Though you didn’t seem to mind his nerves as you brushed your hands off on your jeans.

“Nice to meet you, Ron. I only wished it were on better circumstances.” The pale blush on your face deepened a shade.

“That’s quite alright,” he says with an airy laugh, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “It was nice meeting you too.”

That same silence took up the absence in conversation again as Ron tried desperately to think of something to say, not quite ready for the interaction to be over. You beat him to it.

“I hope to see you around here again, maybe without the mess,” you say with a soft smile, “and don’t forget your chocolates.”

He was confused for a moment, too caught up in the way your eyes sparkled as they looked at him, or the way your hair fell around your face before following where you’d been pointing. “Oh! Y-yeah…thank you,” He grabbed his sweets in his shaky hands, feeling rather bold suddenly, “I’ll see you around then, Y/n.”

He was sure your words were only friendly, something you probably said often as a kind gesture. Probably not because you actually wanted to see him again. But he let himself think otherwise if only for a moment.

You simply nod, your grin widening a fraction, “bye Ron.”

—

Ron’s lifted spirits did not go unnoticed, not by Mrs. McGonagall who made it a point to bring it up at dinner later that evening. He could tell she picked up on it, could tell by the very way she’d glanced at him frequently. Though he wasn’t sure he was hiding it very well. He pretended not to notice, focusing his gaze on the rows of tables occupied by dozens upon dozens of students seated at them, the hardwood adorned with some of the best food he’s ever eaten. Second only to his mother.

“Is there a particular reason you’re so cheery, Mr. Weasley?” She finally asks, and he sighs at the question.

“Not particularly,” he responds using her wording, glancing at her as a smile pulls at the left corner of his mouth. He watches as she raises a skeptical brow; he knows what’s coming.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in a number of years, Ronald. I know when you’re lying,” she says with a soft laugh, though she doesn’t pry.

Ron chuckles down at his plate as he shakes his head, pushing his food around as he thought about her. The way she smiled at him, so brightly the corners of her eyes crinkled. It still felt as though those butterflies were still fluttering around in his stomach. He quickly found himself wanting to hear your voice again, or hear your laughter—

“I’ve met a wonderful person today, that’s all,” he blurts, looking to his side.

She gave him a fond yet knowing smile, nodding her head. “I know the look of young love when I see it.”

“I’m not in love, Mrs. McGonagall,” he urges almost immediately, cheeks reddening once more at her preposterous conclusion, “I’ve only just met her today.”

“If you insist, my dear.”

“I do insist.” He tries to be sure of himself despite his inability to get you off his mind, but he hides his smile behind his goblet as he takes a sip.

Later that night he went to bed with something other than sorrow clouding his thoughts, instead feeling rather optimistic about the week ahead. Or maybe it was the plans he’d had at the end of it that had him so eager, time feeling agonizingly slow. It was definitely that. He couldn’t wait to see you next Saturday.

—

[let-the-dream-begin]

When the World is Free

“There'll be love and laughter, And peace ever after, Tomorrow, When the world is free.” — The White Cliffs of Dover, Vera Lynn, 1942

The world is free again, the war has ended, life starting anew. But for Claire, it’s all over. Jamie’s plane was shot down, leaving her pregnant out of wedlock with nowhere to go. But John made Jamie a promise in their bleakest moments, and he intends to live up to it.

An Echo/MOBY retelling set post-World War II.

Chapter 1: Carry Me, Carry Me Now

Read on AO3

It was a marriage of convenience for them both.

John’s bride was quite well aware of his sensibilities, his preference for the non-female sex. And he was quite well aware of the precariousness of her situation. The tragedy of it as well.

Even if he could forget, it would have been impossible. She was constantly twisting the silver engagement ring she’d been given, constantly resting her hands on her stomach, whether she realized she was doing it or not.

Perhaps the bloke signing their marriage license at the courthouse noticed as well, because he smirked at John with a raised eyebrow when she stroked her flat abdomen for perhaps the millionth time since they’d arrived. John had pursed his lips together for an uncomfortable smile. His assumptions weren’t incorrect, of course, but there were many pieces missing.

The child, for one, still invisible and yet still so enormous in its mother’s heart already, was not John’s. And neither was the ring that lived on her right hand, something he would never ask her to remove. 

The wedding band on her left hand seemed to weigh her down, like a ball and chain pulling her deeper into the black depths of her sorrow.

He drove them home from the courthouse to his flat, or rather their flat. He should start referring to it as such. It was her home now, after all. Their home, the three of them.

Well…four of us, really.

He hung between them like a thick cloud of smoke, solid as a brick wall, at all times. They didn’t speak of it aloud; they didn’t need to. He lived in these rooms rent-free without even needing his name spoken into existence.

John knew that the man who was gone had been the love of her life, her one great love.

And John knew that he was his as well.

He’d confessed it in the black of night, half-buried by rubble when he was sure he would die. They’d gone through basic training together, becoming good friends almost instantly. He’d defended John’s honor when the teasing started; he told him that John was more manly than those other clotheids would ever be. John kept those words, and the gentle touch of his hand that came with them, close to his heart.

“I love you, James Fraser. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone in my life.”

Unfortunately, he hadn’t died.

John had recovered rather quickly from his injuries and proceeded to avoid Jamie at all costs. Jamie was angry as a bull when he’d finally confronted him.

“D’ye think I give a damn, John? D’ye think it’s ever made a difference to me before? I bloody knew before ye said something, ye damned fool.”

John hadn’t realized he’d been that obvious.

“I’m only sorry that I canna be what ye want me to be, a charaid.”

Jamie held him while he cried, and if he hadn’t been mad, he could have sworn he felt Jamie’s tears soak into his hair as well.

Sitting at the kitchen table in his flat across from his new bride, John teared up at the mere memory.

He’d been so ashamed…and Jamie hadn’t given a damn. He was actually sorry that he couldn't return his affection. Instead of John’s confession wrenching them apart as he’d been so terrified of, it brought them even closer.

He watched his bride stare into her teacup as the liquid inside quickly chilled in the November air.

“Are you cold? Should I put on a fire?”

Her hands remained fastened around the teacup and her eyes remained locked inside it as she nodded silently.

God, she had changed.

The first time he’d laid eyes on her was only in a photograph, and even then he’d been astonished by her beauty.

“This is her,” Jamie said as he produced the small photograph that he kept in an inside breast pocket at all times, his face melting into an adoring gaze that took John’s breath away. “My Sorcha.”

She was giving the camera a smirk, eyes sparkling even in black and white, wild dark curls blowing in the wind.

She looked so alive, and that was just a photograph.

When he’d finally seen her in person, he understood quite well why his friend was so drawn to her. She was exquisite, even in her combat nurse uniform. She was radiant, so full of love and life. Her eyes were liquid honey and solid amber all at once. When she laughed, she tossed her head back and smacked whoever was closest, usually Jamie.

If they were beautiful apart…they were a glorious masterpiece together.

Even in the dirt and smoky haze of the camp, when John looked at the pair of them, he could have been looking at a painting. The rest of the world fell away when Jamie had his Claire back in his arms.

It was the most beautiful thing John had ever seen.

A woman was a rare thing in camp, being that most men met their wives elsewhere when they were on leave. But Claire had to be on leave as well if she wanted to see Jamie, and being that they were not yet married, the army wouldn't be bothered lining up their leaves.

And so they’d followed each other. They’d travelled from one battlefield to another, from one hellscape to the next just to be with one another. Even during what was meant to be a reprieve, Claire could be found tending to all sorts of illness and injury around the camp, Jamie trailing beside her like a lost puppy.

Jamie had told John they’d been handfast the night he’d been drafted, an old Scottish tradition that allowed young couples to be married in every sense of the word except in the eyes of the law. There hadn’t been time for a wedding before he was to leave, so that was the best they could do. What mattered to Jamie most was their marriage being seen by the eyes of God, and handfasting accomplished that to his liking. And so for all intents and purposes, Jamie and Claire were married. John could hear it quite well when she was in camp; she was not exactly very quiet about it.

When John returned from starting a fire in the hearth with the intention of leading her into the room to warm herself, she’d replaced her teacup with a glass of whisky and was tossing the entire thing back. She topped her glass off again and then filled a second one. She handed it to him with a sardonic smile, her eyes hooded. There was no trace of that lively youth she’d had when he met her.

“Thank you, my dear,” he said warmly. “The fire is ready, if you’d like to move.”

“Thank you, John.” She stood up and made her way out of the kitchen, taking the bottle with her. Apparently, his bride did not intend to remain sober today. He wondered if she thought that he was going to force her to consummate this marriage, which was just about the last thing on his mind. She should know that he was more than capable of pretending for everyone else, but perhaps he should make himself clear.

“Claire,” he began as they settled into opposite armchairs in front of the fireplace. “You know that I don’t plan to — ”

“Jamie said he kissed you.”

John felt like he’d been smacked in the face with a frying pan. He cleared his throat.

“I beg your pardon?”

“He said that you shared a moment together, and that he kissed you.”

She was staring at him intently, but she didn’t look angry or accusatory. If anything, she seemed possessed by nothing more than morbid curiosity.

“Well…yes. That’s true.”

“We kept secrets, but we didn’t lie,” she said softly, taking a sip of her whisky. “I saw the way you looked at him from the very first time I met you.”

“I’m sorry — ”

“Please don’t be.” Her eyes held such sincerity that he almost wept as he had when Jamie had said just about the same thing. “I just…I wanted to know. That…that last night. The night that we…conceived.” Her hand rested absently on her abdomen again. “I asked him if anything had ever happened. And he told me you shared a kiss.”

“It…didn’t go any farther than that. I wouldn’t have let it, even if he wished it.”

“I know,” she said, taking another sip. “I wasn’t angry. I’m still not. I understand the need for that intimacy in such a hopeless place. And I understand that you…you were very close.” Her voice tightened, and she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. “I was glad, really. I was grateful to you for being there for him when I couldn’t.”

John didn’t know what to say. He nodded curtly and took a long drag of his whisky.

“What did it feel like?”

He almost choked on the liquid.

“I know it sounds mad. But I…I want to hear you talk about it.” Her chin trembled, but she maintained her strong facade. “I want to hear because I…I want to remember with someone. What it was like to…to love him.”

John blinked back his own tears and ran a hand down the length of his face. He needed a bit more liquid courage before he dove into the details of how Jamie tasted and how he felt beneath his hands. Claire seemed to understand, because she allowed a long silence to pass between them before John finally spoke.

He poured his heart out to her, detailed the feel of Jamie’s lips like he was dictating poetry, described the way Jamie’s short-cut curls felt between his fingers, recalling the way he smelled.

“Like...silver from the gunpowder...but he also smelled vaguely of...aftershave. I remember wondering how on earth he’d come into possession of such a thing. I breathed it in so deeply it made me dizzy.” He closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose, and he could swear he smelt it again. 

“And then the rest of the world fell away...even the gunpowder and the smoke...and I just smelt...him.” Eyes still closed, his tongue farted out to lick his lips. He’d wanted so desperately to run his tongue over Jamie’s lips, but he’d been afraid, paralyzed with shock that it was even happening.

“I was so overwhelmed by the...the feeling of him. His lips were so warm and so solid and so timid...and it was over so quickly, but I...” He opened his eyes, blinking back tears. “I saw an...an entire lifetime between us in that kiss. I wanted to...to fold myself into him and stay there forever.” His voice broke, and he anxiously ran a hand through his hair.

He could almost see the man right in front of him again, could almost feel him warm and alive in his hands again; he could feel the shuddering whisper of whisky breath on his lips and chin and nose, and he brought trembling fingers to rest over his mouth, as if to trap the feeling there. He looked up, seeing the real world again for the first time in several breaths, and his heart leapt into his throat to see that Claire was shuddering with silent tears.

“Claire…” he choked out, leaning onto his knees with his elbows, terrified that he’d gone too far. “I’m…I’m sorry…”

She shook her head, putting down her whisky on the table beside her chair. “That’s…that’s exactly it.”

He blinked dumbly at her, and she abruptly leaned forward with a tiny sob, clasping his hands in hers.

“That’s exactly what it felt like,” she said, something in her eyes that was almost desperate. “Thank you…thank you.”

She leaned forward and pressed her lips to their joined hands, hot and soft and wet. She kept her face atop their hands in John’s lap, and she fell apart. It wasn’t long before she slipped out of her own chair and was kneeling before him, sputtering hysterically into his lap, squeezing his hands until her knuckles were white.

John was stunned, but he did the only thing he could do: he gave her comfort. He stroked her hair as she wept, rubbed her back, squeezed back on her hands. Somehow, he ended up on the floor with her, leaning against the seat of the chair and holding her trembling form to his chest. His own tears dissolved into her curls, and soon he was holding onto her for dear life as well.

“We are the only two people in the world who share this pain,” Claire said against his neck, her voice thick with hours of tears. “This pain…of losing Jamie.”

John nodded fervently, tightening his grip on her tiny body yet again.

“We’ll carry it…together,” John whispered into her hair, and then pressed a kiss there. He felt her nod into the crook of his neck and nuzzled in closer.

More and more hours passed, and more and more whisky emptied from the bottle, and then a second bottle, and then a third. It was well past suppertime, but neither were capable of preparing anything to eat in the state they were in, and their empty stomachs only served to send the alcohol straight to their already muddled brains.

They spent hours going back and forth talking about the mutual love of their lives, weeping and clinging to each other, and then they would laugh their drunken heads off, Claire swatting at him as she howled.

John had loosened the top buttons of his shirt and removed his belt, and Claire had undone the top buttons of her dress as well.

“God…I’m melting…” Claire sighed, pulling her dress over her head and revealing the tiny white slip underneath. “You don’t mind?”

John burst into hysterical laughter, and Claire soon followed.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!” Claire sputtered. “Of course you don’t bloody mind. I could be stark naked and you wouldn’t bat an eye!”

They howled again, and she swatted at him.

“Not to mention I’m bloody married to you!”

They howled a bit more until Claire had spilled her whisky onto the rug and fell over into John’s lap.

“I think we should get you into bed, my dear.”

She giggled, biting her lip, and John was briefly mesmerized by the way a blush bloomed down her neck and into her chest. He heaved her to her feet, and they laughed together as they both swayed their way into the bedroom.

“You’re going to have quite the hangover tomorrow.” John was attempting to make more lighthearted conversation, but as he looked down at the woman in his arms, he was taken aback to see something he could only describe as hunger in her eyes.

“Would you…” He struggled to think through his drunken haze. “Would you like a nightgown, my dear?”

He made to pull away from her and go to the wardrobe, but she fisted his shirt in her hands, not ready to release him. She pressed her face into his neck and hummed, vibrating the skin there, and it gave him gooseflesh.

“Claire…” His tone could have been a warning, or pleading. He wasn’t at all sure.

Her small tongue darted out of her mouth and traced a line from the bottom of his neck all the way up to where his jawline began, and he shuddered violently. She giggled all the while her tongue was hanging out of her mouth, creating a lusty, wanton sound.

John gently took her face in his hands and pushed her away just enough to look in her eyes. They were hooded with drink and glassy as a porcelain doll’s. He thought he detected the slightest bit of fear, and it broke his heart.

“It’s alright. We don’t…we don’t have to.” He gently took her hands off of his chest and held them loosely between them. “I didn’t expect you to. We don’t have to.”

She gave a heartbreaking little whimper and began nuzzling her face into his chest, practically leaning her entire body weight on him. “Please.”

He didn’t think he’d heard her properly at first.

“Really, we can just…go to bed. On separate sides.”

“Please.”

It was almost a moan in its intensity. She began pawing at his clothing, pressing desperate kisses into his neck.

“I need you,” she groaned. “I need this. I need you, Jamie.”

His blood ran cold, and it would appear hers did as well by the way she froze completely. She practically went cool to the touch.

“Claire.”

He firmly took her chin between his fingers and forced her to look at him.

“I’m not Jamie.”

She could hardly stand on her own, could hardly focus her bleary eyes on him.

“I’m not Jamie,” he said again, more gently, moving his hand off her chin to cup the back of her head. “I can’t…I won’t have you like this. You’re drunk and…you’re not thinking clearly.”

She welled up with tears, looking very much like a wounded animal in response to his apparent rejection.

“I’m sorry, my dear. I know how much you’re hurting.”

God, did he know it.

“And you know that I…well…you know me.” He didn’t feel the need to speak it aloud again.

“You want to,” she sputtered. “I can feel it.”

She very suddenly and very firmly palmed him, causing him to jolt. And damn him, she was right. For some reason, some ungodly, horrific reason, he was aroused.

“It’s…it’s not you, Claire,” he said softly after regaining his composure, though he made no move to remove her hand. “It’s…it’s him. I’m standing here wishing it was his hand.”

“Good.” She tightened her grip, and he groaned involuntarily. “Because I’m standing here wishing it was his cock.”

She kissed him then, sloppily, heavily, lapping her tongue over him.

“Make love to Jamie, John,” she panted between kisses. “You make love to him, and so will I.”

“It’s not…it isn’t right.” He firmly seized her wrist and removed her grip from him, pinning her hands away from him.

Hands or no, Claire was never one to give up. When she wanted something, she would get it, consequences be damned.

She began gyrating her hips against him, and God help him if it didn’t make him even harder. It wasn’t long before he released her hands and finally surrendered to her, allowing her to pin him to the bed and have her way with him. He could have stopped her if he’d truly wanted. He could have tossed a bucket of water over her, given her a light but firm smack, shouted at her, gone to sleep in the living room. But, God…he wanted this, needed this as badly as she did.

He reached out and sought purchase in her skin as she rode him, soft in all the places where Jamie was solid. She was wild, a mad look in her eye as she tossed her head back in delicious ecstasy, and yet she was entirely lucid, he was sure of it. Perhaps the moments leading up to their joining were hazy, but now she was more than aware.

Her hands were all over him as well, small and yet hard and demanding. She even gripped his hands at one point and directed them exactly where she wanted to be touched.

She cried out for Jamie as she came around him, and God help him if he didn’t do the same as he spilled into her.

It was filthy, it was shameful, and he was disgusted and confused and terrified.

But when she collapsed onto his chest and wept like a broken child, everything faded but the need to comfort her, to protect her.

“I need ye to promise me something, John.”

“Anything.”

“If anything should happen to me…”

“God, Jamie, please don’t talk like this.”

“Ye said anything, man. I need ye to mean it.”

He looked into those steel blue eyes, his pupils shrunken to tiny pinpricks. John nodded, though his heart hammered with terrible foreboding.

“If anything should happen to me…I need…I need ye to promise me that ye’ll look after Claire.”

John took a moment to blink back his shock.

“I ken she’s strong as a stallion and stubborn as a mule. She’d have ye think that she doesna need any help. Truth be told, I ken she doesna. But just…fer my peace of mind. Will ye swear to me that ye’ll look after her?”

John swallowed thickly, unable to stop the rush of tears.

“She means more to me than anything in this world. And I’m entrusting her to ye, my dearest friend. And in return, if ye want…I would be willing to…”

John's eyes widened, unblinking.

“If ye want.”

John’s mouth hung agape, and he stammered incoherently for a moment.

“Are you actually offering your body to me in payment if I promise to look after Claire?”

Jamie’s jaw hardened, and he nodded once. “Aye.”

“Dear God…” John shook his head, and he actually started laughing. “That I should live to hear such an offer!”

Jamie blinked rapidly, and John could have sworn he saw tears gathering there. “Ye dinna want me then?”

“I shall probably want you ’til the day I die!” John exclaimed, and then lowered his voice to a whisper, remembering that tents were thin, flimsy things. “But tempted as I am…do you really think I’d accept? I should feel my honor most insulted, save that I know the depth of feeling that prompted it.”

Jamie wet his lips and nodded, averting his eyes and staring at a stain in the tent. “Aye. I’m…I’m sorry. I didna mean tae insult yer honor. I just…I thought to…to give ye something of what is most precious to ye in return for protecting that which is most precious to me.”

John placed a comforting hand on Jamie’s knee, desperate for his friend to not feel ashamed. “I understand.”

Jamie nodded again, and then forced himself to look at John. “Besides, I…I wouldnae ha’ offered if it wasna something I could bear.”

Despite how fiercely John blushed, how much he wanted to tear his eyes away, he didn’t. He held Jamie’s gaze as he whispered, almost inaudible: “You could…bear it?”

“Aye,” he said without hesitation. “I could.”

Then before John knew what was happening, Jamie’s lips were on his, and his soul ignited. It was sweet and chaste, and gentle and beautiful.

Jamie was beautiful.

He pulled away after about three seconds, and the two men maintained their intense eye contact.

“You have my word, Jamie,” John whispered fervently. “God forbid you are taken from us, I will keep safe what you love most. And I am…most grateful for such an honor.”

“Thank ye.” His steel blue eyes welled up with tears, and he clutched at the back of John’s neck. “Thank ye, John.”

John had sworn it with everything he had to give in his heart and soul. She was the most precious thing in the world to Jamie, and he’d left her to his care. It felt like an honor he was not worthy of. He was not worthy of the man as he lived, and he was certainly not worthy of the woman he’d loved and the child she would bear. Perhaps Jamie hadn’t meant for him to marry the woman if something should happen, but what else was he to do? Leave her unmarried and childless in a world so cruel?

No, he’d sworn on his honor that she’d be safe with him, forever and always.

And as he held her, naked, broken, and sobbing to his own naked form, trembling like a leaf with the force of her tears, John could feel her seeping into the cracks that Jamie had left in his heart. He could feel her already becoming as precious to him as she’d been to Jamie…as precious to him as Jamie had been to him.

Don’t fret, Jamie, love. I’ve got her.

I’ve got them both.

[decennia]

If they had a kid Theodore and Althea?

(this is straight up fifty shades of late, but when inspiration strikes...) following their graduation, theodore and althea moved to romania in pursuit of althea's dragonology tutelage under charlie weasley. theodore, during that time, was working on the recreation of the time turner for ministry use. upon their return to london, they proceeded to have three children, each about a year apart in age.

name: Christopher "Kit" Joseph Nott

significance: Kit was given the name "Joseph" after Althea's father, Joseph Abbott

gender: male

general appearance: Kit was originally born blond, but his hair grew darker over time. During his years at Hogwarts, he sported an overall polished, dark look, his now black hair perfectly complimenting pale skin and tailored black suits (the spitting image of his father). He has his father's blue eyes, and overall bone structure. However, once graduated, and Kit began his pursuit of his blossoming Quidditch career – resulting in much time spent in the sun – his hair grew lighter, and the palor of his skin was replaced with a golden bronze. He would never admit to it, but he had also heard that his crush at the time, Freya Fawley, had a "thing" for blond guys. It took the whole summer to correct the damage done by the second-rate potion he had half-heartedly brewed in secret under his bunk in the dorms.

personality: Kit is very enigmatic and outspoken, charming as ever, a real smooth-talker. He is constantly the centre of attention, whether he wants to be or not. He is, by all definitions, the "cool guy." He was extremely popular at Hogwarts, with a near spotless record — the only time he ever got in trouble was when he was getting his younger brother out of it. His flaws, however, fall within elitism: never blood or money based, but rather based off of Slytherin pride. He's extremely competitive with the things he finds interests in, and is a complete romantic.

house: Slytherin, and very proud

special talents: Kit is an incredibly good Beater in Quidditch, perhaps owed to him being ambidextrous. What he lacks in potions, he makes up for in transfiguration. He also used to be his sister's dance partner when they were younger, and so he is quite agile and graceful on his feet. Sabine likes to joke that he owes her at least half of his hefty Quidditch salary, because if she hadn't forced him to dance with her, he would've never had any semblance of athletic prowess.

who they like better: Kit prefers the company of his mother. Althea, also having been a Quidditch player, takes great delight in flying with her son during his brief visits home, and discussing winning strategies.

who they take after more: When Kit first arrived, everyone assumed he'd take after his father, given the spitting image he portrayed. It didn't take long for them to realise it was his mother he took after more; it was the smile that betrayed him. So often did Theodore Nott wear a subtly mocking smile that warned everyone to stay away, that when he had cracked a genuine one, people found themselves stumbling in shock. Not Kit; no, every smile was genuine and quick, and had a warm presence about them.

personal head canon: Albus and Scorpius were literally the bane of Kit's existence during his time as Slytherin Prefect, and later, Head Boy (somewhat undeservingly won through the popularity vote, which had left Roland Goyle furious). He had never taken his duties seriously until he discovered what little shits the duo could be, and he made it his personal mission to put them in their place before he graduated. For the safety of Hogwarts.

face claim: Dominic Sherwood

name: Sabine Bedelia Nott

significance: Bedelia was Theo's mother's name, of whom he was incredibly fond, prior to her untimely death.

gender: female

general appearance: Sabine has the same impish face and wide firebrand eyes of her mother. She has long tresses of chocolate brown, although also briefly dabbled in being blonde upon discovering photographs of Bedelia, with whom she bore little resemblance in everything but passions — in that, they were perfectly matched. She is shorter than both her brothers, much to her chagrin. She has a slender, dancer's build, and is quite strong and athletically capable.

personality: Sabine is extremely aware of boundaries, and tends to respect them to the point of coming off as aloof or cold. In actuality, she is incredibly warm and kind, although she has been known to be quite teasing. She has whip-crack wit, and is the funniest out of her siblings. As the middle child, she sometimes falls to the wayside while Kit basks in all the glory, but she is never bothered by this. She prefers her small friendship groups to the larger crowds her older brother attracts.

house: Sabine, like Bedelia Nott (neé Delacour) before her, attended Beauxbatons. It was her own decision to make, but she will never forget the silent joy and pride that swam in her father's eyes when she had told him her choice at the age of ten. However, if she were to go to Hogwarts, she would've been a Gryffindor.

special talents: Sabine, like Bedelia, is a performer. She learned ballet from a young age, and even managed to persuade Kit into helping her. She is incredibly persuasive when she needs to be, and more often than not gets her way. She can speak four different languages fluently, of which French is one.

who they like better: Sabine is totally a daddy's girl. She adores Theodore, and the feeling is very mutual. She of course loves her mother too, and they get along perfectly amicably, but Theo is Sabine's favourite.

who they take after more: Sabine takes after Bedelia most, but given that is her grandmother through Theodore, I will simply say Theodore.

personal head canon: Sabine attended Beauxbatons the same time as Dominique Weasley. She and Dominique grew close, being second cousins. Their friendship group was made of four, the other two being Thomasin Dumont and Henri Allaire.

face claim: Ella Purnell

name: Wendell Lorence Nott

significance: "Lorence" had been in reference to Lorelei Abbott, Althea's muggleborn mother, who had passed during the Second Wizarding War. Wendell is of German origin, meaning "wanderer."

gender: male

general appearance: Where Kit preferred to keep his hair neatly groomed and often cropped short, Wendell kept his honey blond hair long and unkempt. He is perpetually tired, and perpetually in a state of disarray. He, too, has the same eye colour as his father, although it is on the lighter side; more of a baby blue. Wendell is quite a slender, reedy boy, and is not much of an athlete, but rather an academic. He either wears a look of total boredom or pleasant surprise; Sabine likes to say those are his only two emotions.

personality: Wendell is quite shy and soft spoken, preferring to keep to himself. He is quite difficult to get out of his shell. He never looks for trouble, although trouble often finds him, much to the annoyance of Kit, who often has to put his own neck on the line to get Wendell out of it. The only time he's ever loud is if he's discussing his passions, or if he's lying – which is always his biggest tell.

house: Hufflepuff

special talents: Wendell's best subject is Defence Against the Dark Arts, and he is so incredibly talented, he's been likened to a young Rathin Patil. He is also great at singing, not that he'd ever tell anyone. He also has a photographic memory.

who they like better: Wendell prefers the quiet company of his father, simply for the comfortable silence they can sit in for an entire afternoon, without either one feeling the need to break it.

who they take after more: Appearance wise, he follows quite closely to the sunshine that is his mother. However, the withdrawn and loneresque aura he exudes screams "angsty Hogwarts years Theodore."

personal head canon: His closest friends are Piper Macmillan and Calliope Corner. Of the Delacour-Weasleys, he and Louis are the closest.

face claim: Charlie Plummer

[popculturebuffet]

Star Vs The Forces of Evil: Is Another Mystery (Prince of Wishful Thinking) or Wasted Potetial

Happy Valentine’s Day Lucifans! And while I originally intended to cover this along with the much worse Booth Buddies I had too much to say about both to try and clown car both together so here we are. And just in times for V-Day we have a StarTom episode.. that isn’t as focused on thier relationship as I thought because I hadn’t seen this in a while because every time I think of things in this series I think of all the wasted potetial and it gives me a migrane. I’d also like to thank @jess-the-vampire for talking this one over with me as usual, and helping me think through some stuff. And as with last time we’re picking up about where we left off, so no real exposition to get through. Join me under the cut as we solve a mystery and marvel at HOW much potential from this episode the show squandered. 

We open with Marco chasing Glossaryck.. and it’s only now I realize I have not talked about this subplot at all. Or Glossaryck really. As you probably know Glossaryck is the tiny man who lives in the big book of spells, created the magical high comission and is a colossasl assshat whose likeablity plumted this season. For starters his voice actor Jeffery Tambour was outed as a massive creep, making him harder to stomach even if the show had reduced him to stock footage of one line. Speaking of which he came back from the dead... and despite it being revealed he was fully sapient the whole time and just saying Eclipsa’s husbands name without context a twist coming up int he finale that i’ll give out about here as while clever when you first hear it. makes NO sense in hindsight, as Eclipsa might of mentioned it before now especially since Glossaryck was around her quite a few times, had no reason not to, and you’d THINK Star, Marco or Moon, especially the latter two, would be curious why he can only say that and has seemingly been reduced to an infant. It’s an annoying subplot tha’ts just casually part of the series and no one seems to care about despite Glossaryck being a big deal and the spellbook revealing there IS a way to make copies, one that would be used next season. 

But what really just made me HATE him.. is how he contributed to how bad things on Mewni are, by doing nothing. Being omnicent and powerful does not mean you do nothing.. it just means you have to be VERY careful. Power is a responsivity not an excuse to say “Wheelp my kids were a mistake going to just let them overthrow the government, become far more entriched in mewni politics, and boss me around without EVER questioning them or trying to replace them”. His apathy is never really called out by anyone but Marco, and he’s treated with all this undue importance despite not doing anything but train the queens, which even then i’ts questionable how good he was at that. Just an asshole, not the worst character in the series, he’s coming up in a few episodes, but just wholly unlikeable. And I get he’s supposed to be comically douchey but after what we learn about eclipsa it just passes into unforgivable and it’s never brought up or talked about. Which is a trend for this series and I don’t know why i’m even bothering being annoyed at this point when I could easily COUNT the number of potential plot threads the series half finished, dropped or wasted and it’d probably hit 50+. 

So Marco is chasing after Glossarcyk and ends up in Buff Frog’s office. Buff Frog was Ludo’s former second in command, who reformed, and became close with Star and Marco, and who Star gave a position as Royal Monster Expert in order to have an ACTUAL MONSTER doing their job since the previous person was a crazy lady who thought of htem as less than sapient and tried to drown them all for reasons I don’t quite remember. This.. has not come up since and this is the first time we’ve seen his office since and it’s empty. 

Marco finds a note for star but accidently reads it before he can get it to her, and we do get a glimpse of the old Marco as he’s disgraught over “reading someone’s mail without their permission!” I missed this.. I think I blocked out the GOOD times with marco in my brain behind a butter-like wall of all the stupid shit he did this season and the next and the whole resolution to the starco thing that left a taste in my mouth not unlike sardine juice mixed with vinegar, aka what causes Mitch Mconnel’s face to look like delfated and to sound like the ghost of Michgian J Frogs Condederate Uncle. 

Meanwhile Star is with Tom and is distruaght after finding our her life is a lie and feels there’s no one she feels she can talk to about this, and Tom’s face when she says this just...

You can tell the poor guy is just hurt. HIs girlfirend is hurting.. and she dosen’t even CONSIDER talking to him about this or think she can trust him despite him being RIGHT THERE. This expression is only on screen for half a second but it says so much. And another thing it says is that he dosen’t know HOW to help her, as evidenced by the fact his offering to is very awkward and sitlted, that he’s clearly HURT she dosen’t think she can confide in him, but is so awkward in general and out of his depth her ehe dosen’t know how to help he just wants to.  But while Star eventually seems receptive.. Marco busts in and we get a seen of EVERYONE involved being a canoe filed with dicks and old vhs copies of biodome. After of course Marco tells Star, Buff Frog is gone. To wit

Star: Immediately plans to take off with Marco and only Marco despite tom being right there, that he could help even if he has no stake in it, and the fact that cloudy can both grow, and Tom can you know.. FLY. That’s a thing we’ve seen him do a lot. So space isn’t an issue, sh’es just forgetting tom exists. Which WOULD work if it was an intentional issue but is sadly the beggining of Star being a pretty terrible girlfriend to tom. This example is lighter since you know , one of her closest friends and his small children are missing, and this is the day after her entire world got flip turned upside down, so I can forgive her a bit since she’s probably not thinking clearly.. but it’s the start of a LONG pattern fo her forgetting tom exists when it’s not coinvent and not thinking about his feelings.

Marco: When Tom asks to take Marco’s place, Marco says, not that he’s buff frog’s friend or he’s worried again about the fact he has kids that could be in danger but “I’m her squire it’s my job”... BEFORE you know the fact his friend WITH YOUNG CHLIDRNE WHO COULD BE DEAD VIA HATE CRIME, is missing. 

Seriously it says something about how far Marco has fallen by this ponit that even in an episode wher eh’es largely his old self.. he STILL make this about him and star to her boyfriend’s face. HiS FRIEND’S FACE. There will be worse from Marco soon enough, and far worse we won’t be covering, but it does say something that they did him so wrong this season that THIS is minor in comparison to some of the other shit he pulls. 

Tom: The only INTEITONAL one of these, as Star’s neglect feels like it was an accident, as he insists on coming along as her boyfriend despite this being a fairly serious situation and him clearly just wanting alone time. 

OH and if you thought the writers you know ACTUALLY cared about STar’s anguish over finding out her whole life was a lie, her newly found grandma who actually relates to her and treats her with respect unlike her mother isn’t biologically related (Not that blood relation matters but I can see why finding out the one family member besides your dad who was anything like you in recent memory.. isn’t related to you would hurt).. 

This highlights the show’s biggest flaw, and yes folks it’s bigger than the ending with the accidental genocide and the horrible implications. That was bad.. but what really tripped the show up long before that.. is the lack of payoff. Now sure some plots get payoffs, especially the Metora one, it’s one of the series best arcs.. but TONS of other threads are just outright ignored, casually dropped or never really pulled.  Look I know that every show has things we wished they’d done more with, and most of the greats of this generation have stuff they dropped the ball on by dropping it or never really getting into it: She Ra never really had any closure with Catra and Scorpia, despite Catra hurting her the most out of anyone and that could’ve been a good thing for her character developent and Scorpia’s own character development. Ducktales had NO intention of going into Della’s reaction to Scrooge and Donald’s feud and quitely ignored or retconned the fact Scrooge clearly erased Della’s long history from the web and wherever else he could, as why else would the kids have never known. Did they just not use google? Steven Universe, if partially by design as it turns out, skipped over a LOT of things and ignored a lot of intresting characters human and gem. It’s the nature of writing seralized teleivsion: Sometimes you just forget to take care of something or simply don’t have the space to. That is fine.  The problem is star does this.. for major plot points that really CAN’T be ignored. Starting with this season they flat out ignore Star telling Marco how she felt for pretty much the entire season. They only deal with it in booth buddies.... THREE EPISODES before the season finale two parter. Despite it having massive impliciations, doing so IN FRONT OF JACKIE, who was her friend, and Jann who is both Jackie and Star’s friend and is not subtle.  We never get any fallout from this and the show weirdly acts like Marco can’t easily visit home. I mean yes he’s star’s squire but she’s not a heartless monster> The DIazes were her parents for a while too. And that’s not even getting into Marco Junior... “Shudders”. But that part of the cliffhanger was just the start after that the pile just kept getting larger. Before it was basically JUST the monster arm and it possibly being involved with the blood moon. So to prove my point i’m making a list of EVERY dropped plot point or storyline from the series, most of which are from season 3 onward. And naturally I asked jess for help with this after the first 25.. and the list DOUBLED. One or two of these are nitpicky.. but the fact the vast majority AREN’T .. yeah.

1. Jackie’s reactoin to Star’s feelings for Marco 2. Janna’s Reaction to Star’s feelings for Marco 3. Buff Frog being head monster expert 4. Buff Frog and Co fleeing this dimension and where they WENT exactly 5. Tom being a Monster 6. Star not being a Butterfly by blood 7. Moon’s reaction to not being a butterfly by blood 8. Rhombulus feeling guilty 9. Marco’s reaction to hekapoo being a terrible person 10. Marco and Kelly’s Relationship (Technically resovled but done poorly) 11. Tad not being over Kelly 12. Hornanne never getting a horn (I know minor but it bothers me a lot) 13. Eclipsa having to win over the other kingdoms 14. Related, the Johnasons being the hardest one of those to overcome 15. Related to 13 again: Why Tom’s Parent’s didn’t suppport eclipsa 16. What the Jaggy Mountains are or are like at all 17. WHy Glossaryck was worried about Globgor 18. Why Glossaryck faked being feral for a season 19. How Star had a piece of the spell book 20. What Mr. Candle’s Deal is 21. The Pie Folk knowing the true lineage of the queen 22. Was the commission conspiracy ever made public.  23. Meteora possibly having memories from her previous self 24. Lobster Claws 25. River’s reaction to moon’s betrayal 26. Toffee’s Past  and Motivations 27. Marco’s Cheekmarks 28. Any reaction by Star and Janna to said cheekmarks 29. The kingdom’s reaction to the book being stolen is never brought up again 30. The Past Queens (Never brought up in show itself, but Jess feels there was supposed to be more there and I agree) 31. The Septarian Painting in ST.O’s (While i’ts a hint at who meteora is WHY it’s there and why ST. O would even allow it and why it’s of septarians is never explained) 32. Monster Arm 33. Relicor’s Wife 34. Why the dance memory was different 35. How do people in other dimensions get dimensional scissors? 36. How Did Toffee Know of the Whipsering Spell? 37. Where did Toffe, Ludo and Rasticore’s dimensonal scissors/chainsaw come from? 38. Toffee’s Damage to Mewni (Never gets brought up aagain after silver bell) 39. Why Globgor eating Shastacan was “Complicated” 40. Upwards Waterfall Unicorn 41. Star spying on Marco and Jackie 42. Any Explination for Green Magic 43. The photo’s of star and marco’s kiss (To quote jess, into the void they go) 44. How Metora Learned Soulsucking and why she can do that 45. Metora taking Rasticores arm with her.  46. The Neverzone’s weird time dialation 47. Star’s Neglect of Tom 48. The Spiderbites reaction to globgor being freed 49. The “Big Surge of Dark Magic” 50. Eclipsa “gets into your head 51. Star learning wandless magic with no effort 52. Where did Brian Go? 53. Star and Marco Never apologize for the kiss on screen 54. “I know how this all ends 55. Why Lekmet was never Replaced and why reynadlo didsn’t replace him

55 in the span of an hour.. and that’s not even getting into the fact Jess was thinking these up off the top of her head and probbaly coudl’ve kept going, but I didn’t want to overtax her since I was asking a favor of her, and  fifty goddamn three is more than enough to say ya done fucked up. Just.. holy shit. MARVEL has less dropped plotlines than this, and that at least has the caveat of changing writers and some writers being dipshits who don’t CARE about resolving what happened before. The Star team has an excuse for maybe 10 or 20 of these.. but 55! Fifty Goddamn five! And that’s stopping as we could probably have found more and just tying this paragraph we did, hence 55. How much do you have to NOT care about your audience, your plots and your characters to miss this much? The three I mentioned before all have understandable explinations behind them: She-Ra had a set episode count and only so much space and it made more sense story wise to have scorpia be taken over by the horde. Ducktales is on a kids network and Disney isn’t at all supportive of adult plots to the point a courtroom episode was deemd too confusing for kids... which first off , no, and secondly you see what they were dealing with. and Steven Universe again did this slightly intentionally, with things happening offscreen because that’s how life works, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t. 

This is just incompetence on a MASSIVE scale that boggles the goddamn mind. I have seen shows do worse, but i’ve never seen a show flush most of i’t spoteital drama nad character development down a goddamn hole again, and again and again in such a consitent manner. There’s no wonder I didn’t see this at the time. This is a level of messed up you have to see from helicopter view! The show just stopped carring about finishing most of it’s storylines and just brought shit up when it was convient and threw it out on a scale that just... just.. 

It sucks. It sucks to see a show that had so much potetial squander it, it sucks the show ended up like this, as only a handful of those are from pre season 3, and it sucks that the clock is ticking on how much good I have to say about the show without having to add the button “And then this was never properly resolved.” Good. Fucking. Grief. And Jess wanted to find MORE, and probably could, but I didn’t want her to dedicate her life to this. It’s monuentally frustrating, and saddening to see waht a waste of potetial this series was by the end. All of this is one big list of what if and most of it shoudl’ve been resolved in some way. “Sigh”.... let’s move on.. for my sanity’s sake. I made myself very sad. 

So with Marco out of the way Tom and Star start investigating and Tom is a bit of a dick about it, suggesting they abandon the search for her friend and his CHLDREN to go get a corn shake and that the monsters just went out grocery shopping.. the former is just horribly out of character, as even if he would WANT to leave he woudln’t be so cavialer about it when sh’es this upset just a few episodes AFTER monster bash, where he learned you know.. not to do that. The other is just ehhh... like you think he’d react to an entire town being missing and Star’s JUSTIFIED fear mina did it , after she easily swatted both of them aside, with more than “eh maybe their doing pesant stuff I don’t know” Thankfully the “Tom is a huge dick and also star is grossed out by him liking monster food revealing she might still be a touch racist without realizing it, which itself is nver touched on, let’s call that number 54″, portion of the episode ends when dark gets a little something on him

Star gets one in her arm, and the two pass out and wake up with sacks over them. We do get the best part of the episdoe where both try to run around blind, and Tom realizes he’s claustrophbic and starts panicking, which results in him falling around and kicking in a circle, while Star takes a guy out and while she can’t see assumes she did something cool. Eventually we find out their kidnappers are related to the buff frog thing and tell her to stop looking and just to be serious are going to break tom’s horns... before Buff Frog arrives wondering what the fuck their thinking and stopping them, and he and his kids are fine. Turns out he’s leaving Mewni and Katrina, his oldest daughter who has giant legs now, wanted to make sure they got to say goodbye, so she left the note in his name knowing Star would come and find them. Before we get into all of that, just a quick aside.. okay so baiscally these monsters who threatened are either fleeing mewni or running some sort of underground railroad to cover up the monster exodus. Which begs the question... why did they tihnk breaking the horns of a crowned prince of one of their allied states and kidnapping and threatning the princess of mewni, who is PUBLICLY pro monster and thus only makes them look worse, was at all a good idea. I get wanting to hdie this but breaking Tom’s horns is only going to lead to a fight at best and two kingdoms coming down at them with their full might, putting innocent people in the crossfire at worst and most likely

But yes the Monsters are leaving.. and this is part of where the episode misteps as the scale is kind of hard to figure in hindsight. On one hand the montser villiage is abandoned , meaning that the episode implies ALL the monsters are leaving.. but not only are some left, once Eclipsa takes over plenty of monsters come back or may of never left, making nit very vauge just how many actually left, especially since the party leaving that we see is just about 10 monsters not including buff frog’s babies.. where did they come from by the way? Ludo just kinda stole them but from where? Jess brought that up but i’m not sure I got it on the list so 55. The show is entirely too vauge on if this is a mass exodus of eveyr monster at long last or just a large migration of them wanting a better life. Instead of explaining any of this when it’s a very intresting and engrossing idea, the monsters leaving the predjuicde outright, the possible hateful reactoins of the commission given how paranoid they are, how star would combat this, a possible divide in monsterkind with one half going back and the other staying put, WHERE they went exactly.. there’s a lot of great questions and stories here.. but as the list the size of my gut should make clear, none of them get answere dbecause this series just didn’t care about it.. and if so then WHY bring it up. That’s why I brought up the list in the first place.. because this is one of MANY times they bring something up and just.. do nothing with it. Then why did you bring it up in the first fucking place?! As I said I can abide by dropping a plot point for time or beacause Disney is kinda dumb or you just want to get to other good stuff and you had to make a cut. And while a portion of the list is that. i’ts mostly things like this: really fascenating stuff.. that’s ignored because htey just stopped caring. 

So before they all can leave despite Star’s best efforts, TOM steps up and calls them cowards.. and admit’s he’s a monster too. And while one.. WEIRD looking guy points out he’s rich, so should he count, Tom counters with the fact that sure he’s rich.. but when he gets in an elevator he’s a monster. He may be part of a diffrent “catageory”.. but to a stranger he’s just the same as them. While it dosen’t feel quite earned by the episode, it is a moral that needs to be taught: prilvage dosen’t insulate you completely from prejudice. You can still be discrminated against no matter how much money you have or how far you get because the system sucks.  And once again this is a waste of potetial: tom technically being a monster and being the son of a human and a demon is never brought up again.. despite you know also being a massively powerful monster child of a monster and a mewman.. like a certain someone who’se the big bad for this half of the season. It just never comes up... and I get it’s a categorical bullshit thing, that the comission werne’t worried about a lucitor doing any of this because “Well demons are okay and we have a treaty and stuff”, but the show had no trouble pointing out categorical bullshit before.. why not now? 

The ending however is good as Buff Frog.. isn’t convinced. HE admit’s tom’s speech is good.. but he’s been dealing with this stuff for too long. It also works because him leaving the job they never focused on.. isn’t framed as him being ungreatful or anything. He’s genuinely appricative of what Star is trying to do and gets her heart is in the right place.. but she doesn’t have the power to fix this. She’s just a kid, and while she has some power her mother has no real intention of making things better for them. And he has to think of a better life for his kids.. so we get some tearful goodbyes as Buff Frog promises to return when she’s in charge.. even though he does because she’s in charge in the season finale and we never see him , 56, and he has to be talked into coming back in the last season... so they leave but Tom promises her it can work out because their a monster and a mewman and they hug and I sigh a little knowing how this relationship ends and the accidental message it sends. 

Final Thoughts: This episode is DECENT on it’s own but in hindsight.. it’s just depressing, bringing up some good ideas.. that end up going nowhere and the ending REALLY isn’t great in hindsight when he leaves star so she can be with another human-type person. Also tom’s charcterization is a bit lopsided starting off worse than ever and being fine in the end, and while that COULD just be that he felt he coudln’t admit he was a monster... it honestly just feels liked they wanted the moral without having to work for it as him being a monster has nothing to do with how he acted earlier. Till the next rainbow... UUGGGGHHHh. 

[starhog]

😫 👫

👀👀👀 Thank you

UNDER A CUT BECAUSE THIS GOT VERY LONG!!

What scares my muse the most?

- The things that immediately spring to his mind in regard to ‘fear’ tend to be two things; falling, and confined spaces. While heights themselves aren’t too much of a bother - the second his balance is tested while he’s up there, or he gets too close to the edge, or whatever he’s standing on becomes unstable - that’s where he starts to experience a bit of anxiety. It’s more the sensation of falling that scares him - he doesn’t even think about the landing. Even though most of his memories of the second ARK incident and his fight against the Finalhazard are foggy at best, the sensation of falling endlessly, unable to control direction or speed at all as he began to burn up in the atmosphere sticks out vividly. As for his claustrophobia, you try being shoved in a stasis pod for five decades after witnessing your closest friend die while you were stuck in a space tube unable to do anything. Deeper than that though, the two things that will shake him to his absolute core are forgetting and being used. He’s had his memory doctored or outright erased more than once, the experience of waking up and not knowing a single person you lay your eyes on is upsetting enough, but on top of that; though he’d never admit it he’s quite attached to a lot of people he’s met - and the knowledge that these connections he has with people could, at any moment, simply be scrubbed away for the convenience of someone else... That haunts him, constantly. But at least being manipulated gives him the dignity of thinking he’s been making his own decisions. When he’s taken over through the Black Arms hivemind, there’s no autonomy at all. What sort of relationship did/does my muse have with their parents? Why?

The closest things to ‘Parents’ Shadow has is his creator, Professor Gerald Robotnik, and his genetic donor, Black Doom. Both of these people have manipulated and used him to some degree. Firstly, his opinion on Black Doom is a pretty solid “I’m glad you’re dead.” Doom came from outer space with no warning, lead Shadow on with promises of knowledge and subtle mental manipulation for far too long, and ended up tricking Shadow into almost helping him enslave all life on Earth for use as livestock for the alien horde. Just another addition to the conga line of terrible people who planned on using him to hurt other people.

But... Gerald is something else. All of his actual memories of the professor are that of a loving guardian figure. Gerald Robotnik loved both Maria and Shadow as though the two of them were his own children, so the Gerald in Shadow’s scattered memories is a person who he trusted and loved dearly. But there’s also the fact that he’s painfully aware of what Gerald did to him. To his memories, to his mind. That the man he trusted to protect him overwrote his dearest friend’s last words and the promise he made to her, instead gaslighting Shadow’s entire existence and brainwashing him into attempting murder-suicide with the entire population of the planet. It was never Shadow’s idea. It likely wouldn’t have even been what Shadow wanted if it was left entirely up to him - but he doesn’t know that, can never know that, because his autonomy and his right to mourn however he would’ve was taken away, pushed aside and replaced with someone else’s desire for bloody vengeance. In fact, this mental re-writing had changed who Shadow was, right down to the very foundations of his being. Pre-ark incident Shadow had the same pure heart and soul as Maria, and likely displayed the same kindness and caring tendencies. Current Shadow is closed off and abrasive. He can never, ever go back to who he once was, and he’s dreadfully aware of the fact that who he used to be was a happier person than he is now - even with all the people he’s lost, if he still had his old ways of thinking, he’d likely be able to handle his grief better and be less miserable in general. But that version of himself is dead, and Gerald, his father-figure, was the one who killed him. It’s such a profound, deep-cutting kind of betrayal, and yet. He still loves the professor. He still misses him every day.

[blindersbeach]

sweet jealousy

wc: 932 

requested: Hey can I request a Finn Shelby x reader where Finn and reader have been together for years but reader and John have a really flirty relationship and the whole family goes along with it to piss off finn even esme thinks it’s funny and you can decide the end !! - anonymous

You and Finn have been married for over 10 years and have been together since you were 16. You went up to him because he kept staring at you and you thought he was going to try and make a pass at you. He wanted to, but at that time Finn was very shy and timid. You’d seen him around town a few times being pushed around by his brothers or laughing with a friend. You always loved thinking about when you and Finn first met, you thought the shock and horror on Finn’s face was the funniest yet cutest thing to exist in the world other than Finn himself. 

It took you a bit to warm up to him and the Shelby family because you always had a wall built up to protect yourself. You also didn’t want to get hurt after hearing how they treated people sometimes. After Finn broke the news to his family about you they welcomed you with open arms and lots of love. They’d never see Finn so genuinely happy and in all honesty, bring a girl home. You got closest to John out of all your husband’s siblings. He joked around with you which helped you not take things as seriously. Obviously, there were times you had to literally slap John around a bit, which Finn thought was hilarious, but most of the time it was cheerful. Finn usually got jealous of this. It didn’t make it any easier for him because it shows on his face. His nostrils flare and he bites his cheeks. Finn usually sighs at least once, but by then his family is teasing him about it. For some reason, the fact that John was close to his wife bothered him so much. One reason it bothers him so much is that it seems like John is flirting with you. Finn knew that his older brother found you attractive. Esme didn’t mind since she was so secure with John, she played along some times too. Every time Finn asks about your feelings towards John, you always deny it for obvious reasons. John is your brother in law and nothing else. You are madly in love with your husband and have been since you first laid eyes on him. No one could break that. 

One time you thought you saw steam coming out of Finn’s ears. You and John got into a very serious joking and somewhat flirty battle over being at the betting shop. John put his face really close to yours, only a few centimeters apart. Esme was giggling while Polly was covering her mouth from laughing at the table. Finn was still focused on some random paperwork. You could see Tommy out of the corner of your eye with a smirk. All of the family is tuning in on the funny drama that is about to ensue. 

“Oi, Finn!” Tommy said, hiding his laugh. 

“What? I’m trying to finish this up for you, why are you distracting me?” Finn said not looking up from what he was doing until he heard John.

“With that pretty face, you think Finn wouldn’t take you around here,” John with a smirk. Finn stared at everyone wondering what was going on. He repeated what John said in his head.

“With that ugly face, you think Esme wouldn’t take you around here,” You said back moving closer.

John’s smile starts to grow and face blushes. Esme and Tommy couldn’t hold in their laughter from what you said. Finn’s face drops. His stomach does flips. Sometimes he never knows what goes on. His whole demeanor changes to a mixture of sadness and anger. He watches it play. He does this to partially punish himself for never speaking up sooner and to see how far it really goes. It doesn’t usually get too far. If it does someone stops John or you leave him guessing. Finn is 99% positive that if John wasn’t with Esme, he would’ve tried to pick you up at the Garrison or anywhere. 

“I love it when you call me ugly,” John said, regaining his usual state of flirtiness.

“Oh, we all know how much you love me,” You pulled away, crossing your arms. You see Finn’s face and already know what he is thinking about. “Y’know John, you are so close to having all of this, but alas, you aren’t Finn.” You made your way towards your beloved and wrapped your arms around him. His body responded by resting his hands on your waist. 

Whispering in his ear, you said, “I love you more than anything and anyone in the entire universe, Finn, never forget that my love,” and kissed his cheek and then neck. 

Finn smiled and shot a look at John. John started this all not because he found you wildly attractive, but to make sure you were truly in love with Finn and to make sure Finn was truly in love with you. They were all secretly nervous about your relationship, they thought that maybe you would just use Finn because he was naive at the time or exploit their family, but after hearing what Finn said about you and meeting you all their anxiety faded. They saw a lot in you that you didn’t even see in yourself. 

“Alright boys stop fighting, let’s get back to business,” Tommy says with a chuckle.

Finn smirks while looking down knowing that even with his anxiety and jealousy, you still go to be with him at night. Nothing can replace all of your memories and adventures together. Especially not John.

a/n: hewwo.... sorry i’ve been gone lately all i’ve wanted to do is write

i hope everyone is safe and healthy!! expect more due to the lockdown :(:

[tvdversefanfiction]

Forget me Not

Chapter 2 - Remember My Name

Warnings: I do not own nor do I claim to own any of the material, characters, or storylines from within the TVDverse. I am not making any profit from this, this is purely a passion project, from one to other fans who are willing to read.

15+: May contain moderate to strong language, sexual innuendos, and sexually charged scenes. Moderate to strong descriptions of violence, gore, torture, and practices of witchcraft.

F/F, F/M, M/M, GEN, + OTHER

Chapter 1 Already Gone

So, the plan, if you were wondering, to beat the hollow and reunite the Mikaelson siblings turned out to be painfully simple so painfully simple it should have been our first option but in fairness, one should never cast a spell until they have learned everything about the spell their casting, a lesson I learned many years ago.

Elijah, Klaus, Kol, and Rebekah, reunited with their eldest sibling Freya within the family compound in New Orleans, Elijah's memories now restored making all four of them ready to get rid of the hollow for good and after giving the siblings a few minutes to catch up with each other and share their stories from the past nine years in which they were all apart, the plan was ready to be put into motion.

At first, I was stricken by shock and disbelief as like their brother Elijah, neither Klaus, nor Kol, or Rebekah, seemed to remember anything about me looking at me like a stranger and not somebody who had shared his life with them, it was as if all memory of me had been taken from them or perhaps they had just lived such a long and intriguing life since we had last met that I had been entirely forgotten.

I was all but numb by their forgetfulness even though it did make me more curious that not a single memory of my existence was remembered by any of them, no one's lack of memory hurt me more than Elijah's, I could understand Rebekah and Kol not remembering me, God even Klaus, but not Elijah, not after everything he had done for me.

But I was not there to be reunited with old friends nor was I there to look back on the past, no, I was there to get rid of the hollow and then and only then could I investigate their confusing case of amnesia that seemed to only be related to me.

I had each Mikaelson bring a newbie vampire of their own making, four strangers I did not give much thought, nor did I give a damn about their fates, and I ushered the four Mikaelson's to stand in front of their creations, one by one until there was a line of Elijah, Klaus, Kol, and Rebekah, and a line consisting of the four new-born vampires, and then Freya and myself began the spell to extract the hollow from her siblings, putting into the newbie immortal beings, and then proceeded to kill the four vampires, sacrificing them to eliminate the hollow and reunite the original family.

Yes, those four strangers who I and Freya killed could have been complete innocents or they could have been worse monsters than those I was helping but I did not care, I had lived too long a life to be affected by a stranger's death or to cry about spilled blood. I am far from innocent, and I care for only a few so when that few need me, I would wipe out an entire city to help them out.

After all, humans are born to die whereas creatures like myself were born to live forever.

After the deed was done and the hollow was gone, I took myself to the nearest bar I could find so I could drown my sorrows over being forgotten by the only people in the world I thought truly knew me, the closest bar being Rousseau's.

"What can I get you?" Asked the largely too chipper bartender.

"Vodka," I answered him as I sat down at the bar. "Just leave the bottle."

"I guess it's been one of those days!" He responded as he handed me a bottle of their finest vodka. "It's been one of those days for a lot in this city my friends included but hey we almost got a decade of peace, so I guess chaos was long overdue."

"I did not come here to get to know the bartender." I snapped, making it clear he was not about to make a new friend in me.

"No, you came to help aid the Mikaelson family reunion which will more than likely kickstart another war sooner rather than later." He revealed as I realized this man clearly had an ear to the ground when it came to things that went on in his city. "What I want to know is which Mikaelson made a friend out of you my money is not on Klaus maybe Rebekah definitely not Kol."

"Who remembers?" I mumbled with a sense of bitterness as I took a drink from the bottle of vodka. "You must be one of Marcellus' minions' rumor has it he's not too happy about his beloved Rebekah running back to the family that wronged him so many times."

"You know the Mikaelsons and Marcel? I'm nobody's minion unless they get all murderous then I'm anybody's just to stay alive but I'm sure not playing in their games even if my best friend is now married to Kol." He went on to tell me. "My name is Josh and I know you're like the original heretic or whatever but what is your actual name?"

"So, your best friend must be the harvest girl turned super witch Davina Claire, I have heard of her, just like I have heard of Marcel, but I have never met either. As for the Mikaelsons, it seems they have completely forgotten me." I decided to answer him, not knowing why I was divulging any information for some undead bartender. "My name is Salem Helsing, everybody always knows about the legend of me, but they never get my name right."

"Do not tell me you are related to Van Helsing, the prince of darkness' ultimate nemesis? The guy Wolverine from X-Men played in that movie that was criminally underrated?" He questioned me with a sense of excitement, a sense that I knew all too well whenever anybody heard my last name for the first time.

"Dracula's nothing but a myth, a legend, a story, but Van Helsing, he was my father, is my father," I replied, admitting for the first time in a long time who my father was, as I took a bigger drink from my bottle of vodka.

"The Mikaelsons knew the son of Van Helsing himself and yet they do not remember you? Something tells me your memory was either replaced with something almost as awesome as the heretic son of one of the most famous hunters or some witch probably spelled the memories away." Josh said, his words making more sense than any other words I had heard in days. "Wait, so you are telling me Dracula is not real?"

"The only thing I know that my father hunts is me," I admitted to him. "In my entire existence, I have never once been forgotten, feared, loathed, and despised sure, but never forgotten…"

"And that annoys you more than anything doesn't it? Which one of the Mikaelson's were you in love with? Clearly, you're nursing a broken heart here and you would not be the first in this bar to find themselves in need of a drink after a rendezvous with that family." Josh responded all too correctly for my liking.

"You are smarter than you look, Josh," I replied while attempting to change the subject as I stood up from my chair. "Too friendly for my liking and that quality is definitely going to get you killed but I cannot deny my hope you last at least a century or two."

"So, which one?" He asked again, eager for my answer, one I was not willing to give and so instead I just walked out ready to leave this city for good and never look back but fate itself had other plans for me.

I never got far from that bar before Klaus Mikaelson vamp sped his way in front of me within the streets of New Orleans and I recall briefly hoping that at that moment he had remembered me, that they had all remembered me but of course, it was not his memory that made him seek me out but instead of his curiosity or better put paranoia.

"So, what the hell is this newfound freedom going to cost me?" Klaus asked me abruptly. "And do not say it's free because I have heard of your help, and it always comes at great cost.

"You seriously do not remember me?" I replied in complete disbelief, stunned to think he somehow knew of me yet did not remember me. "Am I the biggest fool to think that maybe just maybe our history together would be remembered even if a few centuries passed? God, I dreaded so much about seeing you again, I thought you would hate me, or I'd hate you, or that the past would just remain in the past, but I never thought for a single moment that you would not even remember me!"

"I think all those years not quite being a witch or a vampire has truly warped your mind because neither myself nor my siblings have any recollection of you, and I'd think I would remember someone like you if we had met," Klaus responded making it clear to me once and for all I had been completely forgotten. "However, crazy, or not you helped reunite me with my family and for that, I am in your debt, so name your price, I could pay for your therapy perhaps?"

"I was simply returning a favor for someone I once thought I knew and either way that favor has been returned so we are done here," I told him as I attempted to hide the hurt within my eyes, the pain on my face, and the fact that his words had just broken my non-beating heart.

"Why does this not feel like it's over?" Klaus asked me, as untrusting as he always was as if I could even answer his question when I was beginning to question everything myself.

Before I could conjure up any words for a response to the original hybrid himself, Elijah sped his way onto the street's vampire style and was now standing side by side with his brother.

"Salem Helsing!" Elijah said, surprising me with his greeting, only to surprise me further when he rushed over to hug me tightly. "I remember you now and I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for me and my family."

As if this visit to New Orleans had not surprised me enough just when I was beginning to accept the fact I was nothing to a family I once loved like my own, just when I was giving up all hope, Elijah had miraculously remembered me, and as he continued to hold me tightly in his arms, I realized I was a fool to ever think I meant nothing, at least to Elijah anyway and his arms I began to break down. I cried with such great relief that Elijah had found me again that I had found him, that we had found each other and after all these years he was back in my life, and now he had returned to me, there was no way in hell I was ever going to lose him again!

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol.15

You think you know someone, and then it turns out you really, really don't. At least, you know a very small portion of that person.

In a pretty hefty chunk of this book, we get a massive flashback into Yuki's childhood. As expected, it wasn't that great. What I didn't expect is how bad it was. It was,,, honestly a lot.

So, because he is the Rat Boy, and because I guess the rat is the closest to God in this whole situation, Yuki ended up being around Akito for most of his childhood. It wasn't ever really anything he wanted to do, it was just something he had to do. And from the short glimpse we get of Akito as a little kid, it seems like he didn't use to be anywhere near as bad as he is in the present (which makes sense). He seemed to have a short temper, but other than that, there wasn't anything unusual. Until one random day, that is. Akito kinda flipped his shit, and has been that way since. How nice.

As a result of always being close to Akito, no one else really wanted to be around Yuki. And after Akito cracked a bit, and started saying that Yuki wasn't wanted, that he was unnecessary, and that no one liked him, Yuki didn't much like being around Akito, but he didn't have any choice. Some time around then, Yuki's parents seem to have kinda sold Yuki to appease Akito, so he didn't even have his family to fall back on. Ayame, his older brother, ignored his existence as a whole. Have we even met Yuki's father in this entire series?

So when Yuki first heard of Kyo, how he was left outside, Yuki was pretty curious. He was alone, and so was this mysterious cat person. Maybe they could be friends? But, of course, the second that Kyo saw Yuki, he blamed Yuki for basically everything that went wrong in his life, just because Yuki was the rat, and he was the cat. Before this point, the whole Juunishi thing doesn't really seem to affect Yuki much, he doesn't seem to categorize people based on what animal spirit they have, but I imagine that after this incident, maybe that changed. After that initial interaction with Kyo, Yuki didn't immediately hate him, he was just sad and confused, but moving on, I bet it was excellent fuel to the fire.

(Oh hey I'll just put this here, that after Kyo yelled at him for "ruining everything" and that everyone would be happier if he just disappeared, he ran into his mom again. He was upset, and probably could've used some nice comfort. Instead of that, he got slapped in the face. So. -1 for Yuki's mom.)

Do you remember way back, probably around the first books, when Yuki brought up that time that he accidently turned into a rat while playing with some kids in elementary school? It went over that. It was already a sad scene, but now there's this additional context that when he was playing around with the other kids, that was basically one of the first times that he was truly happy. But after he changed into a rat, well obviously that had to be covered up, so all those kids that he was starting to make friends with were made to completely forget about him. He wasn't back to square one, he was at square zero, because now he had had a taste of friendship, just for it to be taken away and replaced with Akito (and probably other people) shaming him for having the audacity of being born as a Juunishi, because he totally chose to be like that, right?

Another slight detour, the hat. So the hat was originally Kyo's, but after he saw Yuki holding it, he just decided that it wasn't his anymore. And, oh my fucking god? The following panels are fucking heart wrenching, it's terrible. Did no one hear Yuki crying, or did they just ignore it? Like, I don't like kids, I can't handle them when they're screaming (why do they scream so much it's weird) or crying, but oh my god, that hurts me. That panel hurts me. He just wants a family that loves and cares for him, that doesn't avoid or ignore him. (Put a pin in this sentiment, because it pops up later.)

After a steady diet of this kinda thing, with Akito's acidic words, people's general distaste or indifference for him, he started being scared to reach out to others. (Personally, I kinda feel like screaming at these people, like wtf is wrong with all of them) It's here when he just seems to kinda shut off. All this time, he's still sickly, and feeling like your life is without worth (and having your world confirm it everyday) doesn't exactly make you fight to stay healthy, y'know?

And here's when Yuki kinda is given a purpose, because after Akito visited him when his cough was acting up, and basically asked him, "Are you going to die yet? If you're gonna do it, just do it already", he left the house, and ran out randomly out in town in the early morning, where he overheard Kyoko screaming to the police about how her adorable little daughter in her adorable little dress with her cute hair in adorable little pom-poms was missing and she was going to tear down the town to find her. He kept running down some roads, until he did actually find that adorable little daughter.

On his end, it seemed to be a series of "Well shit. What now?" after finding her, and only continued as Tohru saw him and started following after him until he led her back to her house. This whole thing, as has been explained in previous books, was basically the first time in his life where someone needed him, specifically him, to help them. And that feeling, of knowing that he was able to help someone, and that he was needed, even for a little bit, was enough to pull him through.

Then we're pulled back to present, shortly after Machi broke open the closet door with a chair where Yuki was stuck in, which was the main thing that even started this whole thing, where he's explaining kind of why he came to see and/or love Tohru in maternal way. Thing is, just like when that was revealed, I still don't blame him for it. She's very caring. I'll admit (like Kakeru, who has kinda been there sitting with Yuki this whole time, apparently in silence) that I don't wholly understand it, on a personal level, but I can see why he thinks that. It makes sense.

Now onto to wacky happenings and zany shenanigans! The school is making a play, and Kyo's one of the main characters (despite never really showing that he has literally any interest in acting or theater, but yaknow whatever) in a Cinderella play, with Cinderella herself being played as Hanajima! This has already been brought up in the last book, but I'm just reiterating for fun or something idk

Tohru's having a hard time fitting into the role of an evil stepsister, to the point that she's worried about slowing others down because she just,,, can't,,, make,, herself,,,,, be,, meannnnn omigod it's so hard ;-; Additionally, Kyo's just not showing up for rehearsals and stuff, he's not even bothering. Probably bc it's embarrassing for him. And with these two main problems (the show can't go on if Prince Charming doesn't know his lines, after all), the play is altered, ever so slightly, so that it becomes "Sorta Cinderella". What a marvelous title.

Let's go back to that pin I mentioned earlier, with Yuki wishing he could have had a family that loved and cared for him.

So, before some of this stuff with the play, Yuki brought up The Hat, of the "It was first owned by Kyo but he later abandoned it after seeing that Yuki picked it up, and later wore that hat when he led Tohru back to her mom" fame, in a very off-handed manner. I think he just said that Tohru still has the hat, in her room, that's she's kept it all this time. This throws some unpleasant memories for Kyo into the air, and leaves him rather bitter.

Leading back to the main scene at hand, Kyo kinda goes off on Yuki, saying that Yuki was lucky: he had a mom and dad, he was needed, he was involved in the family matters. He's had it easy, had the world handed to him on a silver platter, and that he'll never understand what it's like to hope for something despite knowing he'll never get it. (and both times i've read that so far, i just want to yoink kyo into the beginning of this book, like, no dude. your childhood was fucked up, but so was his.) He stops mid-rant, however, when he sees that Yuki is not fighting back, at all, and when he remembers something that (probably) Akito said, that Kyo just uses Yuki as something he can hate. Naturally, why would you ever want to feed into something that Akito would say, so he stops, but not before punching a hole in a window. Ow.

Finally, we've gotten to the play, the main event! Hiro, Kisa, Momiji, and Haru (among others) are there to witness the,, the sight? (Idk man it's 12:30am) Hiro is acting strangled, as per usual, trying to keep Kisa away from all the creeps, but also trying his small-child most to not Mess Things Up, as he has a slight history of doing throughout the series thus far.

The play in of itself is pretty funny, personally I think the narrator was doing the heavy lifting in this one. But more importantly, there's a point where "Cinderella" asks "Prince Charming" if all he ever wants out of life is to hide away from people, locked away in his own space, dying alone, (which I heavily doubt was part of the script, because,, whoa) and partway through telling her that he wouldn't affect anyone if he did do that, the "Stepsister" (Tohru) interrupts him, saying that would make her... she stops herself, but one can assume that the end of that statement would likely be that, if "Prince Charming" (psh nah this isn't about the play anymore) Kyo were to do that, she would get very upset, and generally not have a good time. And he had the audacity to be surprised about that like wtf man.

After the play, Yuki runs into a group of girls that are harrassing Machi, because she said that Yuki isn't like a prince. She didn't explain herself after saying it, and so I suppose the Yuki Fan Club (or whatever it's called idk I'd be surprised but also not if it wasn't called that) took offense to her disagreeing with her. After being pushed around (literally), Machi says that Yuki just seems too lonely of a person to be a prince, that despite being surrounded by people, he just kinda seems out of it most of the time. Now, is that true? It kinda seems so, so, props to Machi for seeing that, hopefully she's not going to be kidnapped and tortured (idk stuff happens). Hearing Machi say all that does kinda startle Yuki, but the fight itself stops after Kakeru makes a fake announcement about a photoshoot with Yuki that makes the bullies scatter away.

And that's basically the end of it. Although the flashback thing with Yuki probably didn't even take up a third of the book, it was still some pretty heavy stuff, so it's nice that it was offset slightly with the play. I don't really have much else to say about that.

[mine-sara-sp]

What they do

Another Shadow People AU fic!  Puzzler gets really close to giving Grian back to the Watchers.

Warning for manipulation and mild violence.

It couldn’t end like this. It couldn’t!! 

Grian knew that if the Watcher’s got a hold of him again he wouldn’t be able to go back anymore. He would never be able to free himself of their grip on his mind.

He felt the pull of the portal under his feet, it was like they were calling him. They probably were,  he hadn’t been so close to them in a year almost.  

Puzzler held him up by the jumper, ready to let him fall. 

A sight far too familiar, as this had already happened once. But that time he was saved. He managed to grab onto the side of the portal, gripping so tight he hurt his hands and scratching the bedrock. His entire life depended on him not going to the other side and he was lucky enough his friends arrived in time to get him out and get rid of Puzzler.

But now he didn’t think anyone could reach him in time. He heard the tower shaking as some of the more aggressive shadows were making their way up the intricate tower. But he didn’t have enough time. Maybe a distraction could buy him some time but he didn’t know what to say. 

The shadow was far too smart to be tricked at this point. He didn’t know what to do. 

He wished he never summoned him, it was all a giant mistake, the worst of his life after joining the watchers. 

Was he such a bad person? His first shadow had turned out to be a living nightmare, hurting people for fun, and the second shadow was just an incarnation of everything he wished he could forget about his time with the watchers. 

What they turned him into.

What- What--

“I GET IT NOW!” Grian yelped as Puzzler’s grip on him started to grow loser. About to drop him in the portal to the watcher’s domain.

“Wha-”

“You-- You picked on the part of me that was scared of the watchers!” 

For an instant, all of Puzzler’s eyes grew wide. 

“You hear them in your head, right? They never shut up about what you should do and-- ” 

The Evo symbols flickered in and out of Puzzler’s eyes. Then anger made it’s way on his face, replacing the first surprise. 

“I’m not scared of them! I’m one of them!” The shadow hissed and almost let go of Grian, but the hermit held on tight to his arm. Looking at him directly in the eyes. 

“That’s what they told me too!!”  Puzzler growled and let his sword appear in his other hand. If Grian wasn’t going to let go he would make him. 

“That’s what they do!! They-They get inside your head!!” Puzzler raised the sword. Grian closed his eyes shut, tears starting to stream down his face.

“They tell you that you’re one of them, that you’re a god and everything you do is justified!! IT’S ALL A LIE!!” 

He was ready to slice Grian across the arm but hesitated-

HURT HIM.

WE WILL HEAL HIM.

WE WANT HIM.

WE WANT HIM. 

GIVE HIM TO US. 

Puzzler’s arm trembled but he didn’t let go of the sword or let it fall down on Grian. Feeling the migraine that came whenever the watchers screamed orders at him in unison. 

Oh? Orders?

He had never questioned it. 

Grian opened his eyes when he didn’t feel the sword hit, he saw something he didn’t expect. 

Doubt.

He kept talking, shouting, with the tears making everything blurry and confused. The only thing clear in his mind were the shadow’s eyes. 

“They make you do horrible things you would never want to and somehow make you feel like you did the right thing!! They pull you away from what you love to have you do things that they want while convincing you that it’s your idea!” 

But he did do the things he wanted. He… he did want all the things he did.

Right? 

He thought about everything he did up to that point. He wanted to rebuild the empire. He wanted to make it grand. He wanted Taurtis, he had even made the summoning platform- he- he-

He hadn’t been able to put more than two flowers there. 

The watchers always called him and put his focus back on Grian. On making a portal for him. On NOT letting him escape.

Puzzler felt his wings grow smaller, with the realization.

Grian kept talking seeing the effect of his words on the shadow.

“They made me do horrible things too and I felt like I had the right to do them!” 

Puzzler’s grip on the hermit grew tighter and the one on the sword grew weaker.

Almost instinctively Grian held tighter to Puzzler’s arm, digging his nails into his skin. Feeling his eyes burn with a long-forgotten sensation. 

Puzzler stared in disbelief as the purple Evo symbol appeared in his summoner’s irises.

How did-- The portal? Was just being this close to the portal awaking Grian’s watcher abilities??

The shadow’s eyes grew wider and scared suddenly, feeling as if Grian’s powers were trying to show him something.

He could fight it, he could let himself fall in the portal as well and avoid it.

But.. he found himself unable to move. Grian was the closest thing to a real watcher. 

He was a real watcher too, wasn’t he? 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DROP HIM.

“I WAS HORRIBLE WITH THEM!” Grian shouted. His words piercing inside Puzzler’s mind like a knife.

Tall horrible figures stared down at him. Wide smiles on their faces, pleased as their orders had just been executed. Grian felt proud of himself.

Puzzler let out a shriek as the memories of his summoner’s started making their way in front of his eyes, like multiple videos being played simultaneously. Like he could do with the memories of everyone on the server, but this was different, this was someone else forcing him to watch.

HE NEEDS TO FALL.

“I HURT PEOPLE! ALL BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T OBEY ME AND THE OTHER WATCHERS.”

He saw them, the pitiful players that tried to define the watcher’s rules. They burned to the ground. They cried. Begged. PRAYED FOR FORGIVENESS. THEY WOULDN’T GET A N Y T H I N G.

Why did he do it? why did he?? it- it wasn’t fair. Grian sobbed.

DISOBEDIENCE.

“I COULDN’T TELL ANYMORE IF IT WAS ME OR THEM WANTING THE DESTRUCTION”

Everything at his fingertips. Meteorites falling on who defined him. Kingdoms crumpling at his will.  No one was safe. N o  o n e. 

They laughed.

He laughed. He cried.

He didn’t know. 

Puzzler tried to push away the summoner’s memories, he couldn’t handle all these contrasting feelings, all these images. It was overwhelming. 

DISOBEDIENCE. 

“T-That’s why I was scared..” 

The horrible figures towered over him. He hated them. he loved them. hated them- loved them-

hate-

love--

afraid.

so afraid. 

leave me alone. I don’t want this. 

Puzzler’s grip on the sword grew strong again, his arm still shaking.

LET HIM FALL.

“That’s why I ran away from them!”

“Shut up.” Puzzler hissed. Unsure of who he was talking to. 

He let his sword go down with a quick hit. The stream of memories stopping at the sound of Grian’s pained scream.  His grip on Puzzler’s arm disappeared. 

Puzzler felt the migraine getting so hard he thought his head was splitting in two, his eyes-- Puzzler realized his eyes were closed. All of them. 

He had never closed all his eyes at once.  

“I didn’t know who I was anymore.” Grian managed to say with a shaky and low voice.

he was still talking.

He looked at him, shaking in pain and crying again for the deep wound on his arm. Now the only thing keeping Grian from falling into the Watcher’s hands was, again, only Puzzler’s tight grip on his jumper. 

LET HIM FALL.

Puzzler hissed at the Watcher’s words. Order. 

He stared at his summoner. Let him slightly slip down from his hand.

Grian let out a scared whine and asked one last thing.

“Do you know if- if you’re really you? Do you know who you are?”

He was-

A watcher! He was Puzzler! He--

He--

He wasn’t sure of it..

He didn’t want to let Grian fall into the Watcher’s right now. 

He wanted to put flowers on the summoning platform and nothing else.

“You…” 

Puzzler hissed, his wings spreading and growing bigger. Taking away all the remaining light that wasn’t coming from the portal.

“You make a great Watcher Grian. You went right inside my head! Good job.” A smile appeared on the shadow’s face.

“Look at the bright side! Once you’re on the other side you’ll be able to destroy this whole server out of frustration! Thanks for letting me see what you’re capable of with the right help.”

Grian’s blood ran cold.

“You’re probably right, you know. I’m aware I would be completely different if it wasn’t for the watchers. But you know what?”

The shadow pulled Grian closer, for a moment he felt as he could touch the border of the portal. 

“Unlike you, I don’t know how I should have been. I have no other starting point. Horrible horrible, but I don’t know anything else.”

In an instant, Grian was once again away from the solid blocks that made the border of the portal and suspended at the center of it. 

“So, unless you have the power to show me how I should be… Say hello to the other Watchers for me Grian.”

“O͔͎̯̖̩͕h̵̞͈̝̘,̳̭ ̠̞͖̞̠̝I̲̺̤̖̦ͅͅ ̵̖̮̤̪c͉̣a̹̥͢ņ̥̺ ̻͙̙̱̫͔̖f̮̫̩̱͠i̷x̰̺ ҉̦̣t͈͚͕͎͠h͚a̦̩̲̖̠͇͎t̮̳͇͕̕ ̯ḅ̸̤͔̺̻͚̰i̺̦͔rd̟̦b̗̠ͅr̶̥̳͖̩̩ͅa͝in.̻̲̖̺̹̱”

Puzzler reacted instantly, flying away from Abyss attack and letting Grian fall on the floor. 

Grian gasped for air and crawled as far away from the portal as he could, while the room was engulfed into complete darkness. He didn’t know if it was Abyss’ doing or his senses starting to give out. 

His eyes burned from using the watcher’s powers and he could hear their voices calling him.

Grian come back with us.

We want you.

We miss you. 

Just a few steps away.

“Fuck off..”  He muttered taking as much distance as he could. He could hear other voices coming from the room’s entrance. Other shadows? The hermits?

Then an ear ripping shriek came somewhere behind him, followed by a laugh that made his fear response go immediately to freeze.

“Got you…” 

Grian looked back. The darkness shifting and parting, like Abyss himself, was proud of having Puzzler in his hands now and wanted someone to see.

“Now, let’s see the shadow you were supposed to be.”

Blinding light filled Grian’s vision. The most horrifying scream ever heard made him cover his ears.

And just like that.

Puzzler didn’t exist anymore

Someone else took his place. 

“Welcome to the overworld little shadow.”

[nadziejastar]

That’s exactly how it felt to me, too. KH3 was written with fan desires in mind, so Lea only cared about Roxas and Xion, even though it was out of character for him. Which is stupid and also sad. It spits in the face of all the important themes of the series. I mean, Kingdom Hearts is all about reuniting with lost friends and never giving up. Sora meets Donald and Goofy and makes countless friends in all the Disney worlds. But for all of KH1 and 2, Sora is looking for Riku and Kairi. Nobody can ever replace them. They are his very best friends from childhood. Donald and Goody are great. They always have Sora’s back. He gets the most screen time with them. 

Sora: You can never forget your true buddies.

But…Riku and Kairi were the carrot on the stick. Sora kept journeying to eventually reunite with them. He can make new friends, but they can never replace his old ones. In my opinion, Roxas and Xion were Axel’s Donald and Goofy. They are very important to Sora. But at the end of the day, he’s going home to Destiny Islands with Riku and Kairi, not them. Realistically speaking, Roxas and Xion can’t replace Isa, nor would they want to. He’s known them for a single year. The way Lea and Isa were handled in KH3 was the equivalent of Sora deciding it’s too much of a hassle to find Riku and Kairi and deciding he’s going to forget about them and move to Disney Castle with Donald and Goofy. 

Isa and Lea’s relationship was very interesting to me because they weren’t even part of a trio. They were just a duo. Isa was basically Lea’s Riku AND Kairi. He was Lea’s Riku, his best friend who was lost in the darkness. Sora never gave up on Riku. He was able to see him even when he looked like “Ansem”. Lea left to wield the Keyblade to find Isa, even after everything Saïx had done. He never wanted to give up on his best friend. 

Xemnas: But then, through Roxas, Sora himself began to shape "it" into "her," giving Xion a sense of identity. Our plan seemed like a failure at this point... But then it occurred to me. Xion is keeping Sora's memories trapped by claiming them as her own. Keeping her close to Roxas will ultimately prevent Sora from ever waking. 

I’d say Isa was also Lea’s Kairi. The scene and quote above is from Day 299 ~Sora~. It’s the only scene in Days that took place in the Hall of Empty Melodies, and the scene is framed so similarly to Sora’s reunion. Lea/Isa was just depicted differently compared to all of the other male/male friendships in the game. There was no female in the picture. Isa was the most important person to Lea. In Castle Oblivion, Sora’s most precious memories were of Kairi. These memories are used to manipulate him. Axel’s most precious memories are from his past—of Isa. Saïx took the place of Isa and Axel was manipulated by Xemnas using these memories. 

Axel: Does it hurt, Naminé? Watching your two childhood friends fight all because of you? You have my sympathies. From the heart.

Isa being Norted was important to Lea’s character arc in SO many ways. He was the motivation for Lea to wield the Keyblade and should have been the person he used the power of waking on. But he also was fundamental to Lea’s redemption arc, too. I actually liked the fact that Axel was not a purely “good” character. He had a side to him that was pretty dark. And he’s a better character that way. 

Roxas: Who is Sora?

Xemnas: He’s the connection.

But it only works if he has a very tragic backstory, where he was forced to join the Organization. I mean, he was willing to kill Naminé without hesitation. He knew it was wrong, too. He was just so angry that he didn’t care. Subject X just makes Lea look worse. If he cared so much about a random teenage girl, why did he not care about Naminé, who was just as much a captive of the Organization as Subject X? 

Kairi: Oh, and by “us,” I mean me and Lea. He’s really sorry for all the trouble he caused. I told him it’s fine, but he won’t stop apologizing. I’ll admit I was a little scared of him at first, but I’ve gotten to know him better. All he ever wanted was to help his friend. Honestly, it’s hard not to like him. 

Every now and then, I catch him staring at me. When I ask what’s wrong, he says, “I’m not sure. I think I’m forgetting something. Don’t know what.” Sora, I think it may have something to do with you. Your journey is all about helping people: some that you’ve never met before, and some like Lea that you have. They’re all counting on you.

Kairi is right. Axel is a LOT more sympathetic if you think he was abducted, experimented on, turned into a Nobody against his will, and was just trying to help his childhood best friend the whole time he was in Organization XIII. It’s really easy to forgive everything he did in that context and it’s hard not to like him. Story-wise, Lea’s entire basis for being a Guardian of Light hinged on his connection to Sora. Axel had a lot in common with Sora, and he started to change in Castle Oblivion.

Lea: Promises to keep. I’ll always be there to get my friends back. What, bad timing?

Isa was a vessel. Lea saved Sora from becoming one, because he was looking for Isa. Riku almost became a vessel, too. It’s why he looked like “Ansem”. That provides a strong connection to Sora. Lea’s connection to Sora (and Riku and Kairi) was pretty much irrelevant in KH3. Kairi kinda hinted at something in the beginning, but it was dropped. I do think Kairi was talking about Isa in her letter originally. I’m sure Lea would have told everyone about him after KH3D. Lea’s motivation to become a wielder doesn’t really make sense otherwise. Kairi said that helping his friend was all Lea ever wanted. But Axel only knew Roxas a relatively short time. I’d hardly say that helping Roxas was “all he ever wanted”.

Without Isa, Axel had little excuse for not going along with Roxas when he left the Organization. If he was so lonely, why did he wait until Roxas disappeared to betray Xemnas? Especially after 358/2 Days made such a big deal about how they’re best friends and inseparable. Without Roxas, the Organization can’t actually complete Kingdom Hearts, anyways. So he didn’t even stay because he wanted to get his heart back. Yet, Lea would just give up on Isa so quickly and only care about Roxas and Xion as soon as he learned he was a vessel? It’s so out-of-character, it’s a joke.

Saïx: I passed on the message as you so desired. I told the young Sora to keep defeating the Heartless.

Xemnas: Good. Not only have you the power to inflict pain, you also have the power to plant seeds of doubt in one’s receptive heart. Sora will soon begin to doubt himself. It will cause him to hesitate and that hesitation will turn to anger. That anger will fuel him to get rid of his apprehension and move forward. He will pave the way for the future we desire.

Saïx: There’s something I’ve meant to ask.

Xemnas: About Axel? The poor fool. How long will he keep chasing the illusion of friendship, when he himself lacks emotion? Trying so hard to retrieve what he has lost, when it may never have existed in the first place. He deserves nothing more than our pity.

Almost all the connections between Sora and Axel that had been set up years in advance were wasted. It went back all the way to KH2FM+. Saïx first interacts with Sora in Twilight Town. He was following Xemnas’ orders to inform Sora of their plan. Kairi is also kidnapped after this.

Axel: Hmm, true, but…I don’t think that’s quite the same. I guess the closest thing we Nobodies have got is our past. You know, memories of the stuff we couldn’t bear to lose, back when we couldn’t bear to lose it.

It’s strongly hinted here that Axel was trying to recover his relationship with Isa. It was something he lost but that never existed in the first place. Which is exactly what happened when Saïx called him “Lea” on Day 299 ~Sora~.

Saïx slowly turned and looked down at him. “If it’s Kairi you’re worried about, don’t. We’re taking very good care of her.”

“Let me see her.”

“Is she that important to you?”

“More than anything.” Sora clenched his fists. He had to see Kairi, no matter what it took.

“Show me how important.”

Sora lowered his eyes for a moment, and then quietly knelt down, his head bowed low. “Please.”

“So, you really do care for her,” Saïx mused. “In that case…absolutely not.”

Sora sprang to his feet again. “You rotten—”

The plan was for Sora to channel his anger by taking out more Heartless.

“Are you angry? Do you hate me? Then take that rage and bring it down upon the Heartless.” Saïx snapped his fingers, and an array of Heartless appeared one by one behind him.

And Xemnas’s plan worked. Sora wanted to rescue Kairi, but defeating Heartless was exactly what the Organization wanted. His anger and doubt made him more determined than ever.

The trio quickly assumed their fighting stances, as Saïx went on with a low monologue. “Pitiful Heartless, mindlessly collecting hearts. And yet they know not the true power of what they hold. The rage of the Keyblade releases those hearts. They gather in darkness, masterless and free…until they weave together to form Kingdom Hearts. And when that time comes at last, we can truly exist.”

He almost sounded as though he were reciting an incantation.

Then Saïx says his famous line. Or incantation. “Pitiful Heartless…”

“So it’s a step above best friends?”

“No—it’s not about steps.”

Roxas looked bewildered. As he’d expected, he wasn’t doing a very good job explaining it.

“Not that it matters. We’ll never know the difference.”

Roxas wouldn’t let it go. “Do you think we would, if we had hearts?”

“Once Kingdom Hearts is complete, I bet you’ll be able to figure it out.” The magic words again, Axel thought. It’ll all make sense when Kingdom Hearts is complete. But was that true?

No one had ever seen it happen before. So who knew?

Still, all they could do was believe in it.

Pitiful Heartless, mindlessly collecting hearts…

The Organization was kinda doing the same thing to Axel that they did to Sora. They exploited his doubt during the situation with Xion. And they also exploited the fact that he desperately wanted to see Isa again, like Sora wanted to see Kairi. 

Saïx: Sora knows the truth now. The more Heartless that he defeats, the closer he is to becoming our perfect puppet. This new knowledge will make him that much harder to control.

Axel would channel his doubt and anger by focusing on completing Kingdom Hearts, just as Xemnas wanted. He was doing it out of love. And in the novel, they even used Saïx’s phrase when Roxas and Axel were talking about love. “Pitiful Heartless…”

Xaldin: Our work here is done, Roxas. The beast’s weakness is clear.

Roxas: It is?

Xaldin: To hold something dear is to let it hold you. His heart is in thrall to it, don’t you see? And that, Roxas, is ample weakness.

It was always hinted that Axel would know what Xaldin meant.

Xaldin: Trust no one. Feed your anger! Only anger will keep you strong.

Xaldin wanted to turn the Beast into a Heartless.

Beast: Xaldin… that’s his name. He came from the darkness… He…used my anger to control me. He took all my sorrow, my sadness, my pain—and turned it all into rage. There was nothing I could do… I could no longer see the truth.

He stole what was most important to the Beast to fuel his rage.

Kairi: What are you going to do with us?

Saïx: You’re the fire that feeds Sora’s anger.

Kairi: No… Sora’s in danger because of me…

Perhaps they were going for this idea with Lea, too. Kairi was important to Sora, which is why she was kidnapped. She was the fire that fed his anger. Saïx had Kairi imprisoned, but Isa was just as much a prisoner of the Organization as she was. Isa was most likely the fire that fed Lea’s anger. And Axel had a LOT of anger over what happened in his past. You could see it when he killed Vexen and Zexion. There must have been some backstory to how he became an assassin. Lea’s relationship with Isa fully explains Axel’s rage and hatred, making him easy to forgive. 

Xaldin: You don’t need a heart to know how to manipulate one. Remember that.

On Day 152 ~The Wrong Button~, Xaldin says this in the Grey Room, and it’s probably not just a throwaway line, since manipulating hearts was apparently a defining aspect of Dilan’s character. It’s quite similar to what Saïx said in KH2 about injuring a heart, actually.

He flashed her a smile. “I know we have separate missions, but I bet if we team up, we’ll finish faster.”

Would that work? Maybe it would.

“Well…okay,” Xion replied. “I guess if we get done early, we’ll have more time for our ice cream.”

It reminded her of something. This almost feels like before… Like when I couldn’t use the Keyblade. Roxas is always helping me.

Xion felt weak and useless for relying on Roxas so much. She started to avoid him around Day 152. Eventually she sacrificed herself to protect him.

“Did something happen?”

“Not really…”

He’s a bad liar. I can pick it straight away. But, I guess that isn’t concrete proof that something did happen. Something must have happened that Roxas didn’t understand the reason for either, thought Axel. An emotion somewhere in my memories.

In the novel, Lea said he remembered the feeling of something happening that he didn’t understand the reason for. Maybe Isa thought Lea was in danger because of him and that’s why he asked him not to help him out anymore and started acting weird, like Xion did with Roxas. There’s a lot of hints that something happened where Isa wanted to protect Lea and sacrificed himself for him. It even fits his Mystery Gear, too. Maybe Isa was going to be used to fire Lea’s anger, and Isa was afraid Lea would be turned into a Heartless because of him? Who knows.

“Say, don’t you want to become the real thing?”

The Replica had accepted Axel’s offer, and now they were headed down into the bowels of Castle Oblivion.

Vexen had devised the scheme with the Replica, and Axel still didn’t entirely understand whether it had succeeded or failed. But he figured there would still be some use for the puppet.

Given the right memories, the Replica could mimic the powers of the original. Which meant that if he were implanted with somebody else’s memories, he would, hypothetically, gain other powers. Somebody’s—or maybe even a Nobody’s.

He had one particular Nobody in mind. All the members of the Organization were still influenced by the memories of their human lives.

But I think Xaldin was the one Axel was talking about here. He’s a pretty likely candidate, I’d say. Especially after 358/2 Days connected him to Axel so often. Axel never actually interacted with Xaldin, and Dilan was conveniently absent in KH3D. But he probably was supposed to eventually. They were saving it for later, I guess.

[ramheavenandhell]

Rick and Morty Forever and One Hundred Years – Chapter 8: I didn't mean it

AN: My apologies to everyone who couldn't sleep peacefully after where the last chapter ended. Hopefully, this chapter will make it all better for you… Warnings: Rick/Morty, slight angst

Rick and Morty Forever and One Hundred Years – Chapter 8: I didn't mean it Two weeks. It had been two more weeks and Morty still hasn't seen or heard of Rick again. The other teen still didn't show up at school for the tests like he used to. He didn't show up for anything. Morty couldn't help but wonder if Rick had finished building his spaceship and left earth without him…but what about "Rick and Morty forever and 100 years" then? Would he really just abandon him here like that and start an entire new life out there? Never looking back as if everything between them had never happened? As if his entire life on earth never existed? …As if Morty never existed? The long absence made the brunet go slowly crazy. Not only insane with worry, but getting straight whack in the head. At this point, he actually started to wonder if Rick had ever been real and not just a figment of his imagination. After all, the strange inventions and just the entire story surrounding the other started to sound so ridiculous that it actually sounded more believable to think that Rick was no more than the imaginary friend that poor, lonely and bullied Morty had thought up to comfort himself. It just felt all so strange… However, he knew that it wasn't the case and that Rick was very much a real and existing human when he overheard none other than Brandon and Sammy talking about him in the hallway at school. "…and I agree, Rick has been acting rather strange lately." B.P. mentioned in his usual monotone voice. Normally, Morty wouldn't have the nerve to budge into anyone's conversation – even if he kind of knew Rick's friends, they didn't really hung out much unless Rick was there, too. However, he was so worried and intrigued that he quickly approached the two talking teens. "Ha-have you seen or talked to Rick?!" He shrunk a little back as he noticed that he was probably a bit too loud – and also rude for just walking up like that. Two pairs of eyes turned to him in surprise. "Hey, did something squanch between you and Rick?" Squanchy asked back, clearly curious now and hoping to get an answer for their friend's strange behavior. Morty nervously played with the hem of his shirt. "…kind of…" Honestly, he wasn't sure if it would be okay to mention the kiss to them. "I-I've tried to check Rick's workshop, but he changed the password for the lock." He continued. "And I've also tried calling him, but he doesn't answer. He also doesn't respond to any of my texts…and I-I'm actually too scared of his parents to check if he might have gone home…" Only when he noticed the others' shocked faces, did he realize that he just told them that he knew where Rick's parents lived – something that not even Rick's closest friends knew about. He worried his lower lip as the two looked at each other in disbelieve and hoped that telling wouldn't get him in trouble with Rick or his friends now. Brandon turned back to him and thankfully didn't address this as he told him calmly, "Rick has been residing in the garage the entire time. Morty, you should go there. He will open for you this time." Morty actually doubted that Rick would just miraculously do that, but then again, he wanted to trust the taller teen and figured that he might have planned something. "O-okay. I-I will go right now."

True to his word, Morty skipped school and went straight to the garage park. He still had some doubts when he knocked on the garage door. However, this time it opened. Rick looked at him in surprise and the brunet realized that he was probably expecting B.P. or he wouldn't have opened it to begin with. "Oh." That was all that the blue-haired teen said in greeting. Morty almost expected that he would shut the door in his face again or tell him to leave. Instead, he just turned around and took a seat at his workbench again, his actions the closest to an invitation that the brunet was probably going to get from him. While Rick continued to tinker on something that looked like it might be a component for the space car, Morty let his eyes wander around the garage. The other teen seemed to have been working very intently on the vehicle over the past several weeks that he had been absent. It certainly looked quite different from the last time that Morty had laid eyes on it. Another thing that he also noticed where the many empty cans and food wrapper that were littering the floor. It made the boy wonder if Brandon had brought Rick food while he had locked himself up in here. Without stepping any closer, Morty cleared his throat. He had been waiting all this time to talk to the other about what had happened. It was now or never. "Rick, I-I've wanted to talk to you. I wanted to talk about the ki—" "Yeah, yeah. That." Rick interrupted him without turning to face him. "Just forget about it, Morty. It was a mistake. You-you know that I was drunk and you also know how drunks act sometimes. I-I didn't mean anything by it." He played the whole event down as if it was nothing while he continued to work on the mechanical part. "Hey, Morty. Hand me a screwdriver." A few seconds passed and when only silence greeted him, Rick finally turned around. His face quickly turned into an expression of shock as he was horrified to see that Morty was standing there and silently crying. When a sob wrecked the brunet's body, he suddenly bolted. "Morty! Wait!!" Rick was quick to jump up from his swivel chair and dash after him. Being the faster of the two, he quickly caught the other boy and turned him around to face him. However, Morty lowered his head so that Rick wouldn't be able to see his crying face. The spiky-haired teen put his hands on the other's wet cheeks and lifted his head, but Morty still avoided looking at him by squeezing his eyes shut tightly. He just couldn't face Rick right now. Slightly callous fingers wiped the tears gently away only for them to be replaced with new ones. "I'm-m such an idiot…" The brunet sobbed. "…because—because I ho-honestly thought that it act-that it actually meant something…" The other teen sighed. "No, Morty. I'm the idiot this time…" "Huh?" In surprise, the brunet finally looked at him. He could clearly see regret on Rick's face. "Morty, I'm sorry that I lied about it. I shouldn't have said that because it did mean something to me. Actually it meant a lot to me." Then he kissed Morty. Softly and briefly. Just a small peck. When he pulled back though, the brunet was the one who leaned forward and kissed him again. This time it was longer, but still innocent – just a closed-mouthed kiss. When they separated once more, Rick led him back inside the garage again. Even if the place was practically deserted at this hour, they really shouldn't just stand around out there, talking or kissing. It surely would look odd and frankly, it was no one's business. "So…" Morty began, still feeling a bit awkward about the entire situation. "Does…does this mean that you like me, Rick?" Even if they just kissed, he needed some verbal confirmation for what the deal between them was now. Hopefully, the other teen would start talking honestly with him about this. Rick stepped back over to his workbench again, but looked at the brunet. "Yes, it does mean that I like you, Morty… even if it's for selfish reasons." This again! "What do you mean with that?" His brows furled and he hoped that Rick would elaborate on it. However, the spiky-haired teen only shrugged and turned around to look at his unfinished gadget again. "Just means that I'm an egotistical bastard." That response was less than satisfying and the brunet still didn't understand, but the other's behavior made it obvious that questioning him more wouldn't get him any better results. So instead, he decided to overlook this and continue with the previous topic. "You know…after you kissed me—in the restroom I mean, I've been actually thinking a lot about it and about my feelings." The blue-haired teen's attention was on Morty again. "And I finally realized that I actually like you, too." He smiled shyly at the other, who also smiled back at him. It felt good to say it aloud. "Also, I think, I'm pretty stupid for not noticing it sooner…" He added with a blush. "Sometimes, you really are slow, Morty." Rick agreed, but there was no malice behind his words. "…but I guess, I should have told you sooner. Stupid of me to think that you would get a hint…" The brunet pouted. It hadn't been that obvious to him at the time…but the more he thought about some of those moments between them, the more he couldn't deny that the genius teen was right. "Um…so, does that mean that we're dating now?" Morty asked tentatively. "Sure. If you want that." The smile on the brunet's face was so broad that it was actually painful. "I would love that." His insides felt so warm and there was a fluttering sensation in the pit of his stomach and Morty just felt so happy right now that he wanted to hug the entire world…or at least Rick. Giving in to the urge, he crossed the short distance between them and wrapped his arms around the other boy. For a short moment, he almost feared that Rick would tell him off or something, but thankfully, the hug was returned. He almost began to purr when a hand rubbed gently over his back and the painful memories of these past weeks were slowly fading, Morty's frazzled nerves soothed and his slowly collapsing mind mended again. All in the matter of just a few seconds and through such a simple gesture. It was so comfortable that he could have fallen asleep just then and there if Rick's voice wouldn't have suddenly brought him back to reality. "Hey, Morty? You wanna help me finish building this?" The yellow-shirted teen drew back a bit and looked at the unfinished device on the workbench. "Sure." They separated and Rick took a seat in his swivel chair again, while Morty looked the mechanical part more closely now. "What is it supposed to be?" "Just part of the motor." The genius teen explained simply. While it didn't look like a component that you would find normally in a car, Morty didn't question it. After all, it was supposed to be a space cruiser and not a regular automobile that would drive on earth's streets. Over the course of the next hours, they tinkered together on it, Rick explaining a few things here and there whenever Morty asked, while the brunet handed him whatever tool he currently needed. To Morty it felt like it had been forever since they've done this and god, how had he missed it! Happily, he assisted the other teen, just glad that he could be in his presence again. While they continued to work together, Morty began to think about the new situation. They were dating now! That meant that he had finally a boyfriend! Rick was his boyfriend… The initial joy was slightly dimmed as he actually thought about Rick's previous relationships. He was known for dating girls for a few weeks and having sex with them before he dumped them again. Would he also…? "Morty? What's wrong?" "Huh?" The brunet seemed a little disoriented as he was suddenly ripped out of his thoughts. "I asked you to hand me the soldering iron, but you were spacing out. Is something the matter?" "No, not really…" Morty picked up the requested tool and handed it to the other boy. "…I was just wondering…are you…? Is our relationship going to be like your other ones?" The young scientist's eyes widened. "Morty, no! It's not…!" He sighed and took a moment to find the right words. "Morty, listen. All of the girls and the few boys that I had been with weren't really all that great and I usually figured that out really quickly after dating them for a few weeks. So that's why I was always so quick to break up with them again, too." He looked deeply into the brunet's eyes and Morty was sure that his words were sincere. "But you are different from that, Morty. I mean, we've been hanging out for a long time already and know each other pretty well. So please believe me when I tell you that it's not the same with you." Rick was right about that. They had been friends for quite a while already and they've both got to see the best and the worst of each other, so they knew what they were dealing with here. "Okay, Rick. I get it. And I believe you." After nodding in confirmation, a smile was on his face again and he felt like a weight had been lifted from him. The blue-haired teen returned the smile. "Oh, and just so you know, I'm going to take this slow with you. So don't think that I'm going to jump you right now or anything." That was actually unusual of Rick and it honestly surprised the brunet. "What? Why not?" No that he wasn't feeling a little relieved to know that the other wasn't going to try anything pretty soon, but he was curious to know why. "Because I know that you aren't ready for that yet." The spiky-haired teen's expression turned smug. "I would destroy you, Morty." Sadly, poor Morty didn't quite understand that explanation. "What do you mean with that?" "You'll see later when we're actually going to do it." The accompanying wink didn't fail to make the brunet blush. They focused back on Rick's project then, but Morty couldn't deny that he felt elevated now that they had cleared this up. He decided that he would believe Rick. After all, he had always been treating him differently than everyone else, so he was convinced that he would stay true to his word and treat their relationship differently as well.

It was almost funny how fast things returned back to normal. Rick was attending school again – at least as long as they had a test – and dragging Morty off otherwise. The only difference was that the brunet wasn't complaining about skipping as much anymore and that Rick didn't just grab him by the wrist when he was pulling him along, but taking his hand. Also, there were the occasional exchange of small kisses. Usually as a greeting or as a goodbye, but also sometimes just in-between. In short, things were pretty great even if Morty's grades and record of attendance were paying the price again. However, while they were officially dating now, they hadn't really told anyone about it yet or attempted to shout it from the rooftops. That was most likely also the reason why Jessica suddenly showed up at Morty's locker when he grabbed his textbook and ignored the blue-haired teen, who stood right next to him. "Hey, Morty!" The brunet was surprised that she suddenly spoke to him because even though they had agreed to go on another date again, they didn't had any contact these past weeks, safe for being in the same classroom at times. "Oh! H-hey, Jessica." He greeted back, his stutter not as bad as it usually had been around the redhead. Rick looked anything but pleased about her showing up, but Jessica still ignored that and smiled at Morty. "I'm glad that you seem to be okay again. You've looked really upset these last days and I didn't want to bother you…" "Oh, yeah. I had a bit of a…rough time…" Sheepishly, he rubbed one of his arms, noticing from the corner of his eye how his boyfriend gave him a startled and worried glance. "So, yeah. I was thinking now that you seem fine again, you might want to hit me up on that offer and go on a date with me? Just the two of us." "A-actually…" Rick's angry glare at Jessica was almost feasible as he nervously tried to explain to her why he had to decline. "I know tha-that we agreed on this, but I-I can't…" "Why not?" The redhead was as oblivious as ever. "Be-because I'm already with…someone…" This took the girl by surprise. "Oh! Really? I wasn't expecting that. But that's cool, I guess…?" Before the conversation could go any further, Rick suddenly wrapped an arm protectively around Morty's shoulder. "Yeah, he's together with me now, so don't bother him ever again!" "Oh, oh…" Jessica turned wide-eyed, even more surprised about that reveal. "Yeah…I'll just go then…" Slowly she left and Morty felt really embarrassed about his boyfriend just throwing this at his long-term crush. Noticing the brunet's sudden abash behavior, Rick began to question him. "What? Are you ashamed about our relationship? ...or about me?" "NO!" Morty couldn't believe that Rick would actually think that. "I just…hadn't planned to c-come out of the cl-closet like this…" Well, it was out now and he had no doubt that Jessica would spread the word around school. There would be a lot of gossip and broken hearts if people found out that Rick was dating the all-time loser Morty, but hopefully, he would be able to handle it. "Hey, don't worry. If someone gives you shit about this, just tell me and I'll beat the crap out of them." A small peck sealed the promise. Morty smiled. As long as Rick was here, he shouldn't worry about rumors or anything like that. And that the spiky-haired teen seemed to quickly go into protective boyfriend mode now, was really flattering and charming. So confidently, he took Rick's hand in his and together they walked to their next class…

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

[webcricket]

Looking Glass

Chapter 17 - Willkommen!

Pairing: CastielXAU!Reader

Word Count: 2037

Summary: The part of the story in which the reader really should have listened to Castiel’s thoughts regarding her safety.

Miss a chapter? Have a Masterlist Link!

You sit on a fallen tree trunk stripped by weather and time of the remnants of its roughened bark at meadow’s edge nursing your woe in the peaceful haven Cas shared with you on that first fateful bunker outing together. The season’s rain and shade of surrounding trees lends a bracing dampness to air freshened by clusters of purple aster and sunny wild coreopsis blooms. Every so often, your toes prod the spongy mound of moss beneath bare feet; the earth thereon is scattered with contrasting piles of yellow petals plucked from the crowns of flowers, unlucky demise the result of their proximity to your person – a person absent-minded with need to apoplectically occupy fingers by dismembering the delicate buds one by one whilst reciting in silent solitude the not very cheering and pitifully childish mantra, ‘He loves me, he loves me not.’

You couldn’t bring yourself to stay inside today knowing the rift was opening and Cas was leaving, with feeling as though the tattered bits of hope still anchored in your heart at the possibility of his coming around and forgiving you might come completely untethered in his absence. He didn’t even bother to say goodbye himself, a slight you can only assume expresses the uncaring truth of his angelic nature; in which case, shame on you for letting down your guard and letting him in when you knew full well the sinister substance angels are made of. You wonder if Sam drew the short straw in announcing their imminent departure. You wonder if any of them are ever coming back or if, like before Dean rescued you, you’ve lost everyone you care about to that devastated world and must endure alone in this strange one.

A sharp snort and stomp of hoof draws your attention up and out into the field. The twin fawns, white spots fading on tawny coats with maturity, cautious of the salt smell and sniffling sounds of a human quietly sulking and seething, creep into the clearing to join you. Ears flicking, the larger of the two fixes her brown-doe eyes on your slumped figure. After a moment, her steady gaze shifts, drifting deeper into the wood beyond where you sit; her wary regard softens. Though not visible to you at this distance, the mirror image of a man in a trench coat reveals in the enameled glaze of her eyes – a man she knows simply as the sweetness of apples. Satisfied no danger exists, she paws at the ground and drops her head to join her sister in grazing upon the dewy grass.

Rounding the log with seraphim stealth of silence, Castiel sinks beside you.

At least you assume it’s the angel, certain anyone else at all would have sent the deer running in fright. For fear of shattering the illusion he’s here, that he didn’t leave after all, you keep your focus trained ahead.

He, too, looks forward, crossing and uncrossing his arms in a reflexive quest for comfort in the atmosphere of guarded awkwardness which general precedes the breaking of ice and subsequent admission of personal failings invariably followed by a vulnerable outpouring of bottled emotion which to him, as a divine being honed to conceal such sentimental weaknesses with wrathful righteousness, feels nearly as unnatural as it does natural. Unable to subdue the inner tumult of manifest feelings, he fidgets – a soldier waging war within the battleground of a vessel containing aloof angelic reason and a heart hewn to love humanity, the opposing ends battling to do the right thing by you.

The spastic shuffle of limbs in the otherwise hushed setting is enough to drive you bonkers. You reach out sideways, the impulse not entirely in your conscious control, and seize his hand to still the closest fretting limb. He does not stiffen at the suddenness of your touch, nor does he pull away when your fingers flex and fold, seeking the warmth and security of the spaces between his own.

You hold each other thus, unspeaking, watching the deer without really watching them, for what seems a stretch of eternity.

The fawns, perhaps sensitive to a tension strained to the pressure point of bursting, grow weary of munching. Fuzzy dew-soaked muzzles quivering, they decide in a subtle show of twitching withers and flinching flanks to embark on a winding path across the meadow. Disturbed from tall grassy posts, the translucent wings of small flies take flight, glittering the sky in the wake of their departure.

As the dim thickness of the bordering forest swallows up the creatures and outward tranquility again reigns supreme, Cas speaks. “I owe you an apology.”

You turn, a startled gasp catching in your throat at the blueness of his irises after being deprived of their gentle light for so many days. Shaking your head, you murmur, “You don’t owe me anything.” It’s an honest correction – he healed your mortal wounds with his grace and cleared the scorched ruin of your mind to give you back your memories. Wanting anything beyond these miracles seems greedy; although, at the sight of the doubtful smile tugging at the corner of his mouth over your contradiction, the swiftly thumping knot of muscle wedged inside your chest tells you despite all reason the heart nonetheless desires more.

His small smile dissolves almost as quickly as it appeared, replaced by a contrite pout. “I behaved” –he pauses to glance upward in search of a grand and meaningful explanation. Finding none in the grey clouds above, he settles for the humble truth– “selfishly.”

“Me too,” you contend. “More so. You saved my life and I-”

“Acted as anyone who lost everything and everyone they cared about would under the circumstances.” Interrupting your attempt at self-contempt, he squeezes your hand tighter. “Please forgive me for allowing frustration to get the better of me” –he brings his fingertips up to caress your cheek– “for forgetting you have feelings too. If you permit me, I’ll try to do better.”

His sincerity extracts an airy breath of pardoning laughter and bright twist of smile from you. “I’d say you’re only human, but …”

Chin dropping to his chest under the weight of his matching beam of a grin, he lets go a husky chuckle.

Soles of bare feet slipping on the moss, a relief of warm tears brimming over your lashes, you dive to embrace the angel.

Opening his arms to your scrabbling hug, he winds them about your waist to draw you into his lap and pull you firm to his torso. He buries his nose into your tousled hair to nuzzle and kiss the top of your head.

It’s there, clasped in the refuge of revived affection, it occurs to you to ask why he’s still here when he was supposed to leave hours ago with Sam and Dean and Gabriel. “Cas, what happened with the rift?” you mumble the query into the cushion of his coat.

He smooths a hand up your back. “We” –he hesitates, fisting and flattening his fingers at your spine– “we need another source of archangel grace. Gabriel’s is too weak to maintain the gateway to your world. I came to talk to you about that.”

You incline backward slightly to peer up at him. “How can I help?”

“We have a plan. It’s not a great plan” –he frowns, blues sheening in a serious darkened glint as he continues– “or even a good one. Sam accurately called it one of the worst plans ever and Dean’s sarcasm was evident even to me, but it seems to be the only option available to us if we want to rescue Jack and Mary and stop Michael.”

“What’s going on?” You squirm to sit up straighter, steadying yourself by clutching the lapels of his coat.

His tone tumbles gravely deeper. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything, angel.” Freeing a hand, you reach up to run your fingers through the silky sweep of chestnut locks gathered at his temple.

He looks at you hard, eyes narrowed and roving your features like he’s searing a mapped memory of your face into his celestial consciousness; after a few breathless heartbeats, he nods, lids relaxing their squint to blink entreatingly wide. “Y/N, I need to know you’re safe, no matter what happens.”

A spasm of emptiness snatches at the steady rhythm of your heart. In the skipped beats, you sense what’s coming next – he’s about to ask you to leave just when you’ve reconciled. You bite back the argument brewing on your tongue.

Regardless of the uneasiness he feels flowing through your veins, he continues in hope elucidation of the danger will assuage your trepidation. “As we speak, Rowena, Gabriel, and the Winchesters are attempting to capture Lucifer to bring him to the bunker in order to use him as a power source to keep the rift open. To do so means we need him alive.”

“You’re bringing the devil … here?” you gulp, although the news does nothing to diminish your desire to remain.

“Yes, and if you’re to be safe, you should be somewhere else.” He ignores the slow objecting wiggle of your head. “It isn’t as far as I’d like, but in Sioux Falls we have friends …”

“Cas” –you press a palm to his heart– “I’m staying.”

An anxious line creases his forehead at your protest. “If you think what happened to you on your world was bad, multiply that by a hundred thousand times and that’s what happens if Lucifer manages to free himself. He’s without mercy. Think about it.”

Unmoved, you enfold yourself back into his embrace. “There’s nothing to think about. I need to be here to make sure nothing happens to the rift. To make sure you come back.”

“Y/N …” Recognizing his frustration once again threatens to erect a wall between you, he stifles further reproach out of respect. Cuddling you close, he reassures himself you’re stubborn. Strong. “Very well … little one.”

Little one. A cold shiver courses your coiled form. The other Castiel called you that – not out of any tender endearment, but to reinforce your insignificance to him.

Dread darkens the perimeter of your vision; the colorful meadow wavers ribbon-like in ebbing blackness. “Wh-what did you call me?” you stutter in a fraught whisper; the tentative wriggle from the angel’s grasp rapidly evolves into a desperate struggle to free yourself as his grip constricts your movements.

“I said, you did very well, little one,” he repeats in the wrong voice, his nasally strangely accented voice.

Eyelids clamping, you try to believe this is a nightmare.

Snippets of memory roar through your mind in a vacuum of wind: Cas – your Cas – cutting Lucifer’s throat. The golden bolt of the rift opening in the library. Cas’ parting kiss before stepping through it that felt too much like a final goodbye. The devil’s escape. Rowena’s threat to abandon them all and your frantic plunge back into your world through the flickering rift, unarmed and unequipped, to warn the others and because you couldn’t imagine being separated from your angel forever.

The greater your panic to be free, the more agonizing the reality of entrapment. You discover then you cannot scream, the fingers gripping your gorge prevent any sound from escaping your lips or air from entering your lungs. You verge on blacking out, having no such luck as the vice relents to let you suck in a gasp in order to keep you conscious.

“Open your eyes,” he commands.

The skin sheathing your wildly darting orbs unwillingly parts to comply with the order. An unsympathetic appearing Englishman with fractured facial structure and shrouded in mercenary black frowns at you from where he hangs by the wrists from the beam of the ceiling. Beyond him, a fiery redhead slumps comatose where she sits bound and bleeding in a chair.

Castiel tilts you by the neck, wrenching your regard with angelic force from the others in the room to center instead on him; features alive in a firestorm of tics, dead opaque eye and menacing blue one searing you to the soul, he yanks you closer. Brushing his convulsive lips to yours, he growls, “Welcome home, my little one.”

Next: Ch. 18 - The Good Soldier

[gigilberry-wips]

20 Facts About Charlotte (and family) That The Readers Will Not Be Given In The Story

So here I am trying to organize my thoughts and do some character building in order to answer some questions about my oc that someone was very nice to ask and which I still need to come up with answers for, carry on with your business don’t mind me

(for those who’re sticking around to read this, a warning: this is long as heck)

1. Charlie was known as that kid who’d always be full of questions and giving the adults a run for their money “Why do crocodiles have big noses?” “Where does the moon go?” “Why don’t humans have claws? Aren’t they more useful than fingernails?” “Why do people sleep?” “Why are we supposed to do this? Why can’t we do that?” “Why can’t we ask questions? How would anyone learn things if they don’t ask questions??”

2. In her family she’s closest to her older brother. She doesn’t always share her concerns with him but when she comes to him with her thoughts and questions she trusts his words.

3. One time she read in a book where a meal of grilled cheese and tomato soup was described so delectably that for one entire month she insisted on having that at least once a day (it’s like what happened with me and when I read about the ‘bread and butterflies’ from “Through The Looking Glass” and now if anyone ever offered me a towering stack of heavily buttered toast with an ocean of horrifically sugary milk tea I swear I will devour the whole thing no hesitation). She stopped being so vocally fussed with them after that but she never really got over it. So if, whenever she might see either one of those two (or both!!) in the wilds, be it in person or on television or if she just catches the smell of it, and if you happen to be looking at her already then you just might catch her making The. Biggest. Heart Eyes. Like the love of her life has appeared before her and she is going to run into their arms and both of them will head off into the sunset.

4. Her favorite things to get on Christmas and her birthday are “fun science projects for kids”, or puzzle and strategy games, or books that had riddles, secret codes, recipes, more experiments, and especially made-up languages in them. She’s filled entire notebooks with the languages that she’s learnt from books, from Morse Code to Tolkien elvish, and she can easily recall many of them from memory. She knows a lot of the most common kinds of numerical puzzles and algorithms that have been used, and partially due to that and partially because of how good she is in math she frequently makes computer related jokes about herself.

5. Charlie’s brother is doing an internship at a nearby aerospace museum and planetarium. He’s currently studying for a degree in astronomy and engineering and works as one of the technicians there, and about once a month Charlie’s family goes to visit and have a picnic nearby and spend the day there. Since it’s so close, her brother is able to go from home and usually drops her and her friends off to school in the mornings in his old, beat-up car because he’s a good brother and he loves his sister.

6. One time when Charlotte was little (about 7-8) she was loaned a textbook from her school about famous people that she had to do her homework from. Her brother caught her scribbling in it with a pencil one time and found out that she was replacing all the pronouns of the historical figures in it (Mr. Miss Alexander Graham Bell, he she invented, Mr. Miss Albert Einstein, he she discovered, etc.).

(She didn’t really have the words for it back then but essentially she was doing this because all of these Oh So Important People Of History(TM) Who Did Oh So Important Things(TM) were different from her and she was very strongly aware of that and it made her really, really angry. She thought that if the only thing anyone was ever going to teach her was White Man History(TM) and that’s the only thing that ever existed since the dawn of time and that’s the only thing she’d ever learn then she wasn’t just gonna sit there and swallow that like the rest of her classmates, thank you.)

The next day he bought her a book about famous women in history from all around the world. She read it cover to cover and has kept that book with her to this very day. It’s got pictures like this in it too :D -

[image description] Three women (left to right: Indian, Japanese, and Syrian) who graduated from the Women’s Medical College of Pennsylvania in 1886

This is also one of the reasons why she likes Star Trek so much, and why she wants to learn so many languages.

[Edit: if anyone’s wondering, her brother’s the one who erased the pencil marks from her textbook. He told her since she’s the one who did it then she should be the one to remove it. But she refused to do it and she did not say sorry either. He knew she’d get in trouble if he told his parents or anyone about it, or if it was left alone, so he sat down with an eraser and methodically went through the book with it himself.

Charlie neither offered to help nor stopped him (she could’ve if she’d wanted to, she had cheeto crumbs on her fingers and she could’ve smeared them in the book or poked her brother with them but she didn’t); she just attached herself to his side and quietly glared because that textbook is Enemy #1 and no one should touch it as his hand patiently went through page after page and removed all traces of her vandalism]

7. Charlie loves her hair. When she was little one of her favorite shows was My Little Pony (don’t tell anyone but she still has a soft spot for it) and she wanted to have bright, colorful hair just like the other ponies did. One of her cousins was very fashion savvy and when she told her this, her cousin showed her all the fun hairstyles she could do with her own hair instead. She’s been growing out her hair ever since. Now Charlie and her brother are Long Hair Siblings(TM). :D

8. On the other hand, Charlie despises make up. When she was little she noticed that almost the only people that were on make up advertisements were white women, so in her head she thought that meant those pretty women owned the make up companies, right? Well, she looked it up and learned that the people who really owned the companies were not those women but instead ugly old men and that was when she came to the conclusion that advertisements are all full of lies and not to be trusted (also she learnt later that silicone rubber is used in making water proof mascara and her brain is forever scarred with that knowledge and now so is yours :DD)

9. When she got her first loose tooth she heard about the tooth fairy and how she takes teeth and leaves money. So her natural course of action was to look up the price of human teeth online. Then she took the case up with her father and told him all about her findings and how the tooth fairy was basically scamming everybody and should not be trusted. He found this entertaining enough that the morning after she lost her tooth she found a 2 dollar bill under her pillow. She kept it away safely and once she had enough “tooth money” she bought a whole set of glitter gel pens with it.

10. The number of times Charlie’s gone to a party can be counted on one hand, and that’s only because she was forced to go. One such house she’s frequented is one of her aunt’s and after all these years the only name she knows from there is the cat’s, whose name is Toast but she thought that was boring so in her head she renamed her as Clementine. She hasn’t told anyone else that she’s never learnt anyone else’s name but she has the feeling her brother knows.

11. She loves cats. She loves them so much. She was always such a solemn and serious little girl but the moment she saw a cat it’s like watching a toddler wandering after a butterfly. Abso-lutely adorable. She has these knitted cat socks and 2 cat plushies (one more worn than the other) and when she was 11 her parents let her and her brother adopt an orange kitten and she got to name it Tigger after one of her favorite childhood characters. In her friend group there are so many cat puns surrounding her. So many. (half of them are her own btw)

12. Charlotte is bisexual. I remember reading somewhere that it’s unrealistic to just have one lgbt kid all by their lonesome in any story worth telling and I agreed with that. I’ve also heard about the “disaster bisexual” troupe. In my cast of characters the one that fits it the most is Josie, so me being myself I flipped that troupe and instead made the most calm and collected one the bisexual kid (so instead of a disaster bisexual(TM) what we have is a distinguished bisexual(TM), thank you and good night). It’s not mentioned in the story because this story is told from Laila’s point of view and Charlie hasn’t told anyone about her sexuality, not her friends, not her family, not anyone. She learnt about it earlier than Laila did (when she was 13), but like it’s said in her intro she’s a very cautious and private person and it’ll take her a long time to think about something so personal openly let alone talk about it with anyone. I want to talk about this more in a separate post, and I’ve got a one shot planned that’ll focus on this too.

(Edit: so it turns out Charlie is in fact a bit of a disaster human and when I told her she comes off as smart and polished and good at judging people’s intentions she turned around and told me she also hisses under her breath at things she doesn’t like, lives in her room like it’s one giant nest, and sometimes forgets to eat and i find it too annoying to argue with my strong willed daughter so here we are goddamn)

13. For Charlie, feelings are ... awkward. They’re messy and confusing, and when she’s feeling too many things she needs a lot of alone time to sort through them and understand them. It’s not that she doesn’t feel anything, it’s just that she can’t usually identify what she feels from the whirlwind in her head in any proper way. And when people need comforting she doesn’t feel like she’s the best person for the job. But that’s not going to stop her from trying to help; if one of her friends comes to her with a problem then she’s going to help them find logical solutions to those problems. She knows her strengths and she tries her best to use them.

14. She finds it hard to cry. Even when she’s feeling too many things and she really wants to cry (because she thinks maybe that’ll help her, at least it’s scientifically proven to help) the tears won’t always come. Aside from early childhood, she can count on one hand the number of times she’s cried, and half of them are from when she was exhausted or shocked with sudden feelings. The other times feel random to her and often at odds with each other. (She can’t force herself to cry, she can’t fake her own emotions.)

15. One of the few times she remembers crying was the first time she saw the Aurora Borealis. She saw it in a movie theater, not in person, but to her it was like seeing the real thing. She was little at the time and when she saw it she was just - she was overwhelmed. She was overwhelmed with so many feelings, like happiness and beauty and wonderment. When they came out of the theater and her family saw her still crying they all started freaking out, until she tried to explain it to them (she was really choked up but she tried). She remembered describing it something like, “It’s like seeing music ... Mama, I think I saw music.” she counts this as the one time she expressed her words so artistically she doesn’t know how but she did. it was also one of those rare times she was envious of artistic people for being able to express human emotions so well (there’s that part in The Tale of Despereaux when he said that he “heard honey” when what he’d really heard was music that comes to my mind). Later, she was told what the lights were called and she decided then and there that if she ever had a daughter then she’d name her Aurora (no papa, not from Sleeping Beauty, this is different!). It was also around this time that she really got into learning about space.

16. Charlie’s a night owl. She loves being awake when all the world is asleep. She loves the silence and the clarity she feels in her thoughts when there is no one else around.

17. Charlotte has an “all things pink and glitter” obsession that she never quite grew out of and never really plans to. Her room is pink, her glasses are pink, her stationary is pink, most of her clothes are pink, and her favorite Care Bear and My Little Pony characters are also pink.

18. She got her glasses when she was around 10, and she even got to choose them herself. :D The sad thing was that she was only one of 2 kids in her grade who had glasses and the other one was who she considered to be an annoying prat, but the good news was that at least 3 girls in her year got braces and one of them was nice and called her glasses pretty and also she was the only one who’d done her braces sparkly so there.

19. Most her life she never had close friends. She was always considered too smart and aloof for them. She had her nose stuck in books and she always got the best grades in her year. She was also really good at chess and strategy games and not to brag but she’s even one a few awards for this and this quality was always something that alarmed and frustrated people to no end (read: boys who wanted to prank her and various arrogant, would-be bullies) when she would know all sorts of things about them that they never remembered telling her. What they didn’t know was that she gathered all that information just from observing them and listening to what they said. She’s a strategist and a planner and she delights in knowing more than everybody else, making it so that when she wasn’t purposefully faded into the background, she came off as intimidating and scary, and rightly so. You cross her or try to pull any nonsense around her and she’ll make you regret it.

20. Contrary to what I feel might be predictable for her, it wasn’t Hailey (the friendly and cheerful one) or Josie (the smart and sociable one) that pulled Charlie into Laila’s friend group, but instead it was Laila herself. Charlie might not be good when it comes to feelings, both hers and other people’s, but she’s an excellent judge of character. She doesn’t talk to her peers because she’s categorized them as not being her “type”. She sees them and thinks they’re silly and petty and loud and annoying. She gets impatient with how childish and flighty and apparently short of memory they are, how they haven’t yet decided what they want with their life, how they’re all sooooo fussed about what other people want them to be and how they haven’t made up their minds about who they want to be. Dealing with them is boring and somehow oddly exhausting, so she doesn’t waste her time with them.

She and Laila met through circumstance. And what she immediately got from Laila was that she was someone who was filled with something akin to gentle warmth. She saw someone who didn’t judge or expect things from her. Someone who didn’t raise her hackles or crowd her space, both physically and mentally. She saw a person who didn’t pretend to be something she wasn’t, who didn’t really have anything to hide. Most of all, she saw in Laila someone who went about her day with honesty and good will in her actions towards others, who was genuine and caring. Those are things she’s not often found in other people, no matter their age. It’s something that she’s come to appreciate and respect in the rare, rare instances when she does find it. It took a while, but as she got to know Laila and her other friends better and hung out with them more often, she saw that she found a place where she felt like she could breathe.

[fightingorcavingintodepression]

1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

QA

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

[metawitches]

  The original TV series Roswell (not to be confused with the new CW show Roswell, New Mexico) ran for 3 seasons on The WB (seasons 1&2) and UPN (season 3), from 1999-2002, for a total of 61 episodes. The show was very loosely based on the YA book series Roswell High, written by Melinda Metz. Jason Katims (who later went on to create Friday Night Lights and Parenthood) created Roswell and stayed on as showrunner for all three seasons.

Roswell takes places in the real life small town of the same name, in southern New Mexico, where a mysterious crash in 1947 has become legendary in the decades since it happened. The alien spaceship crashed out in the desert, leading to rumors and guesses about what really happened, which quickly led to a government cover up. Roswell houses a military base which took part in an investigation of the ship and secret alien remains. The town itself has embraced its notoriety as an alien and UFO Mecca, with businesses and events throughout the town sporting space themes and catering to alien-hunting tourists.

At least one adult alien survived the crash and was captured. It was treated brutally and subjected to inhuman experiments, supposedly in the name of science. The alien eventually escaped, leaving a trail of violent retaliation in its wake. It then went underground, disappearing for decades, but leaving the institutional memory of its existence and its ability to harm humans behind.

Several pods, containing the embryos of alien children, also survived the crash and were safely moved to a cave by the adult survivors. In the 80s, three seemingly human children, Max Evans, Isabel Evans, and Michael Guerin, came out of the pods. They looked like they were about 6 years old, but they couldn’t speak, and had no memories. They wandered out into the desert together, but were separated.

Max and Isabel were found by a married couple, Philip and Diane Evans, who adopted them. Michael ended up in abusive foster homes, but he stayed as close to Isobel and Max as he could. Together, they discovered their powers and figured out that they must be aliens. They resolved to keep their true identities secret from everyone but each other. The danger and the secrets helped them bond and form especially close sibling relationships.

Max always had a crush on Liz Parker, but mostly watched her from afar. They were friends, and she noticed him staring at her sometimes, but neither made any further moves. Until there was a shooting at her father’s restaurant, where she was a waitress.

The shots were unexpected, and Liz was down before anyone understood what was happening. Almost everyone ran from the diner, but Max stayed to check on her. He realized that the bullet must have hit an artery in her abdomen, and she was going to bleed out before help could arrive.

He had to make a choice. Let Liz die, or keep his secret? He couldn’t let the girl he’d always loved die just because he was afraid of something that might or might not happen. He healed her, then pretended that a bottle of ketchup had broken on her and ran out of the diner.

That’s the start of everything. The Sheriff is from an alien hunting family, and he becomes suspicious of Max. Gradually Liz’s closest friends, Maria and Alex, also learn the secret, and the Scooby gang is complete. Liz’s ex-boyfriend, Kyle, doesn’t want to give her up without a fight, so Max has some competition. Various other humans and aliens help and harm them, becoming part of their adventures.

Season 1 is low-key, focusing on the kids as high school students and friends, keeping their issues close to home and largely within the show’s cast. This was Jason Katims’ vision for the show, especially the first 13 episodes. Those first 13 are incredible, and I wouldn’t blame anyone who stops there. The network started interfering after that, but season 1 still mostly makes sense, I think. The biggest change is the introduction of Emilie de Ravin late in the season, as a fourth alien, Tess, who can’t be trusted.

In Season 2, the show reinvented itself, bringing in new characters and a race of alien villains called the Skins. The characters forgot that they were still in high school and became alien fighters. It seemed like they were more concerned with past events on their home planet than current events in their own lives on Earth. But they had really great hair, makeup and clothes. And the writing was as witty and heartfelt as ever.

In season 3, Roswell changed networks, and reinvented itself again. This time, it went from a cracky, brightly-colored, alien version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to a darker, more intense, more mature version of itself. There wasn’t supposed to be a time jump, but the characters seemed to age five years. They were facing more adult situations such as marriage, divorce, children, leaving home for good, and when and how much to sacrifice themselves for others.

Along with these adult situations came attempts to add more nuances to the characters, which didn’t always work. Tess benefitted from being softened and redeemed, but Max experienced character assassination from being given a dark, obsessive side. This season made the least sense of the three seasons, but there were still some great episodes and great moments. And great looks and great songs.

As I mentioned, Jason Katims saw the show as Dawson’s Creek, with aliens, while the networks wanted Roswell to compete with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Jason Katims has never done scifi or supernatural before or since, and I don’t think he was prepared for the level of detailed and consistent world building it would require.

He wanted the show to be a character driven drama (similar to his other shows) where the aliens don’t use their powers much. To him, the powers were just supposed to be an occasional plot device. This goes against traditional storytelling wisdom and common sense. You don’t get your backers and your fans excited about aliens, then forget to show the aliens.

Ron Moore, veteran of the Star Trek franchise who went on to create Battlestar Galactica and Outlander, was brought in for the second and third seasons to help improve the ratings. But the production was already too far adrift, and had lost too much of its audience.

Roswell had a killer soundtrack when it aired. The original soundtrack remains on episodes aired in syndication, but many of the songs have been replaced on the DVDs. However, the songs from important moments do remain intact on the DVDs. The songs used in the episodes and as the theme song (Dido’s Here with Me) became hits. Both Jason Katims and Ron Moore are known for giving each of their shows a unique “look”, and Roswell is no different. It’s beautifully shot and designed.

The characters are varied, funny and interesting. Women are well represented and aren’t held back because they’re female. There could be more diversity, but Roswell was made before there was pressure on studios to diversify their casts. At least there are a couple of regulars who are Hispanic, are a recurring character who is Native American.

The cast of Roswell included: Shiri Appleby as Liz Parker, Jason Behr as Max Evans, Katherine Heigl as Isabel Evans, Majandra Delfino as Maria DeLuca, Brendan Fehr as Michael Guerin, Colin Hanks as Alex Whitman, Nick Wechsler as Kyle Valenti, William Sadler as Sheriff Jim Valenti, Emilie de Ravin as Tess Harding, and Adam Rodríguez as Jesse Ramirez (season 3).

Despite its issues, there are many great episodes and moments in Roswell, when the writing, the acting and the production all came together to create something special.

So, in lieu of a grade, we put Roswell in the category of Brilliant But Flawed.

Favorite Episodes:

Season 1: Pilot (101), Heat Wave (109), The Convention (113), Blind Date (114), The White Room 121)

Season 2: Summer of ’47 (204), The End of the World (205), A Roswell Christmas Carol (210)

Season 3: A Tale of Two Parties (310), I Married an Alien (311)

  Images courtesy of 20th Century Fox Television, Jason Katims Productions and Regency Television.

Quick Review of Roswell: Entire Original Series The original TV series Roswell (not to be confused with the new CW show Roswell, New Mexico) ran for 3 seasons on The WB (seasons 1&2) and UPN (season 3), from 1999-2002, for a total of 61 episodes.