#it's gonna be a really bad one too cause I'm already on my meds and it is covering such a huge part of my vision rn

[evilminji]

Okay, so maybe it's just me? Projecting my new Tea Phase?

Cause for med reasons, no more energy drinks, only Teeeeeeaaaaa~☆

But honestly? Now that I am an adult and ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT? Really digging it! Am enjoying the Teas. Mmmmmmm~ leaf broth. I like the fruity ones.

So! IMAGINE~☆ If you will:

Danny. 14 and his parents are LOUD AS FUCK (CRASH BANG SMASH BANG WHIIII-) dispite it being, once again, a school night. This has been going one For Years. That STUPID fucking machine. All God damned hours. Crashes and bangs and powertools. Explosions.

When will it ever end!

He's... he's honestly used it.

Unknowingly? This is is a skill that will come in handy later. Living and functioning while sleep deprived. Healthy? Fuck no. But it's USEFUL. He IS the ten year old downing Monster drinks in the parking lot before school.

It makes him a jittery weirdo. Twitchy. Too much caffeine, not enough sleep, his parents either blew up or TOOK APART the washing machine AGAIN. He... he never stood a chance. It's a miracle the indoor plumbing hasn't been compromised yet... AGAIN.

His blood is more sugar, caffeine, and guarana or whatever those other things in the can are, then actual human blood. He doesn't CARE. He just needs too get decent grades, graduate, and become an astronaut. It's... it's FINE. This is normal. They're FINE.

(If they weren't... someone would have noticed, right? Would have DONE something. Cared. So it HAS to be fine. His family's just weird. It's FINE.)

But THEN...

The Accident.

And his biology CHANGES. Green goo, wrapped vicious and loving, around his very DNA. Like Kintsugi of the body and soul. In green, Green, GREEN. It... it's a lot. Everything changing all at once. Maybe that's why it takes him so long to notice.

Why he thinks "oh, I'm just tired cause I'm running more then usual. Fighting and flying. Doing ghost stuff."

When... when honestly? Some part of him always kinda KNEW. From the very moment he stumbled out of the portal. The aftershocks. The pain. Sam and Tucker crying, scrambling to help him up the stairs. Sam tearing her bag apart looking for her cramps medicine. Because... because pain medication is pain medication.

"It's gonna be okay, Danny. Please. Please god, just take it! I promise it's gonna be okay!"

How do you look your panicked, crying, strongest-person-you-know best friend in the eyes and tell her... you can FEEL it dissolving in your throat. Like the pills were dumped in a human shaped pot of acid. That... that the pain isn't changing... and you... you don't think it's going too.

When you're scared. Might be dying. And you can already tell they think it's their fault. W... when you're all just KIDS. And all you can think is... you can let them know how bad... how bad it hurts...

They'd never be able to live with that knowledge.

Yeah. Yeah, Sam. Thanks. T... The pills helped a lot. He feels better. You really saved the day. He lo... loves you guys so much.

...

.....

He thinks about that moment A LOT. About how much he realized and knew, before the denial kicked in. Before he got so... Tired. Fresh of all that energy. And? You'd think he realize. The mood swings. The irritability. The headaches that disappear the SECOND he goes ghost. That he's in caffeine withdrawal. But? Nope.

He kinda blames the constant ghost attacks for distracting him.

But see... Sam? Doesn't drink tea. Goes against her diet. Tucker was where he GOT his illicit borderline illegal energy drinks. And his sister? Big on flavored sparkling waters. Which are gross to him.

His PARENTS drink a thick tar they insist is coffee. It might be liquid fudge. Zone knows its nearly the same consistency. It's horrifying. No thanks, he wants to LIVE.

It's? Ironically? Mr. Lancer and his constant detentions, that help Danny realize somethings up. Because Mr. Lancer shares. If he makes a cup for himself, he'll make one for you. It's how he was raised. And, yeah, the after school detentions? Those were herbal blends. No caffeine.

But...

But they tasted nice. Were warm. The classroom was quiet and as frustrating as it was? The tea itself? Was always... the one exception to how shit the situation was. So Danny finally broke down and asked about it. Learned Mr. Lancer knew a? Surprisingly LOT about tea. Huh.

Then one day he gets SATURDAY detention. Oh joy!

Bright and early. One of the few times he could be trying, desperately, to be sleeping through his parents cacophony. Catching up on his desperately needed Zzz's. Here he is... getting a handed a new cup of different tea?

Breakfast blend? And a bagel..

N...none hostile breakfast? A quiet space to catch up on his homework? No Dash? Just... just a quiet classroom, some tea, and the sounds on a peaceful morning outside?

......oh.

It's the best time he's had in school in... God, in YEARS. He gets so MUCH done. For once can concentrate. And? Actually, now that he thinks about it? Feels... awake? Or at the very least, not as sleepy. And being a Fenton, whom to the LAST are a genius if eccentric family, it's pretty damn easy to put two and two together.

Tea.

He felt more awake after having Lancer's breakfast blend tea.

He obviously asks about it. Then, after detention is done. Calm packs up. Goes home. Drops his back in his room. Goes ghost. And SHOOTS for the Far Frozen with his phone and an energy drink. Because clearly he's missing something and it's time to ask.

The good doctors of the Frozen are... gently horrified. Clawed hands steeples infront of their mouths as they try to tactfully figure out how to word "Great One, WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Why would you DO THIS TO YOURSELF!?" Because that... is not professional. Breathe. In, out, in, out. We can do this.

They get the most patient and restrained of their elders to... CALMLY, very VERY Calmly, ask some medical questions. Listen. Without judgements! Because they are medical professionals. Who do NOT want to scream, forever, into the void. Certainly not. So Calm! (They are going to BURN THAT CAN IN-)

Which! Huh. Yeah, that explains the constant exhaustion. He was poisoning himself. Kinda. Not so much the GHOST but the human half. Putting to much strain and too much trace chemicals, minerals, and buckets of sugar. General "mmmm :/ Don't Like THAT ™" energy from the Goo causing it too try and constantly burning it all out of existence. Endlessly.

The more he put in, the more there was to burn. The more there was to burn, the more tired he became. The more tired he became... well, the more he put in. It was a slowly lethal starvation cycle. Big Yikes.

The TEA on the other hand? Those are leaves. The good recognizes leaves and water. Other various plants, dried or otherwise. It ignores them as "fine" until they reach a "problematic" threshold, apparently? So... *blank look at the doctor*

*sighs in medical professional*

Tea? Good. Satan Can of Halfa Poison? Bad. Please drink tea.

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

And it's like MAGIC. He's suddenly BACK, baby! Ha ha ha! Skulker you fuckin THOUGHT?! Oh it's 2am? Well SUPRISE bitch! He's bright eyed and bushy tailed! His grades are up AND he's beating you like a drum! He has ice breakers for old people discussions now!! The local Tea Shops have NEVER been so well protected.

He actually manages to graduate with not just decent grades? But GOOD ones.

And the second. The INSTANT. He is legally his own man? Has his important paperwork squirrelled away and the go bags safely WELL outside of Amity. It's time. He meets OUTSIDE the house, because he's not an idiot. He's been practicing his Clones and has them ready to grab his parents so he can get out of there alive. Jazz is on video call from Star city.

His parents... suspected. Not at first, but as goofy as they are? They aren't ACTUALLY idiots. They've been watching, going over old research. Trying, failing, to get in touch with the League to have THEIR team test their research. Peer review is critical after all. They... they had been so certain. Are still somewhat certain.

But their research doesn't exactly ACCOUNT for this "halfa" phenomenon. So, there is a very real chance they are missing something. The one thing the DO know? Danny is their son. Stuck in some eternal mortally wounded state or not, he is a hero. And they weren't there for him.

They can't change their beliefs on a dime. But they've clearly missed a great deal. And refuse to fall to academic bias. The very thing that got them LAUGHED AT for decades. Mocked and belittled. This is their life's work. By God they WILL find out the truth.

It's? Better then he could have hoped. Not perfect. But better.

He helps set up safeties and a security check point at the portal. Both sides. He's kinda a big deal these days, mom, dad. Ghost scientists eager to work with them. A whole TEAM under their command. It certain endears ghosts to them a whole lot more. Then?

Copy of the blue prints, go bag turned into normal bags, Danny's off to college.

Bounces from major to major. Nothing really capturing his interest. As he aged, he's need less sleep. Gotten stronger. Grown into his father's height and grandfathers build. Tucker keeps calling him a dorito. Danny retaliates with Ancient Egyptian Cyber/Pharoah Twink allegations. According to SAM they are both dumbasses.

She's not WRONG... but hey D:<

Eventually? A really niche botany seminar run by Pamela Isely catches the attention of Tucker, who forwards it to him n Sam. Nice ™. It's being held in her Murder Park! Cool! Obviously they have to go. So off to Gotham they go. And? When they get there? Sam is APPALLED.

She may HATE landlords as much as the next activist.... but LOOK at all these run down, foreclosed, rotting buildings! Beautiful gothic infrastructure! Those could be businesses or homes! Danny, busy with signing them up, makes the mistake of tuning her out as she rants in fury. She does this some times. Needs to vent. Uh huh, you're very right. You should contact somebody. I agree. Mmmhmmm.

Hey, Sam, Ms. Isely needs your-....

Sam?

Oh FUCK ™.

By the time the Seminar come around? Sam has violently kicked in the door of more then a feel reality offices. Owns QUITE a few buildings. Danny is sweating. She... she's doing the THING again. The "gimme your Ghost Crew, I KNOW you have a highly specific Ghost Crew, don't you DARE lie to me or I take your knee caps, Danny" stare.

>.> Sam you can't keep doin- *stare intensifies* Yes Ma'am. *Pulls out Fenton phone* and so? Here come the renovation crew. The ONLY honest building Crew in all of Gotham. They cut no corners. Can't be threatened. Gangs, villians, and even local government office try to arrange... accidents on the build sites.

Nothing. Nada. In fact, it turns out more dangerous for THEM then this crew of outsiders!

Wtf!

Then? After these two College age weirdos finish Poison Fuckin Ivys HIGHLY SUSPECT biology seminar? Manson fucks off to who knows where! Leaving what HAS to be "the muscle" behind. Cause I mean? Look, at the guy! He's huge! And what does he do?

Goes building to building. Rents them out to low income families. Honest, hard working shop keepers. And? Eventually decides to settle smack dab in the middle of Gotham, in the shadow of Wayne fuckin tower, spitting distance from the Space museum..... and open? A tea shop? The FUCK?

"The Zone".

In a weird shade of green. With little ghosts, wearing crowns, because and I quote "it's funny"? Certainly crazy enough for Gotham. But like, it's loud as FUCK here. Crowded. There are gas attacks and shit. It'll never las-....

It stays untouched for MONTHS.

Sometimes being the ONLY building near it to be untouched. Gas NEVER getting in. The damn place a BUNKER. And? Despite looking like it's two floors? It's three. You enter and your actually on the second floor. No one's even sure where the fuck the guy LIVES, since he never seems to leave.

Not only THAT. But it... it's like one of those old school apothecaries. Big ol bank of drawers. Guy'll mix up your blend for you right as you watch. Tea nuts are actually risking COMING to Gotham to try his stuff. Writing articles. Apparently he has some pretty rare shit in those drawers.

Some UNKNOWN shit, according to one guy on ViewTube.

There's this whole debate on if it's Ultra Super Rare or that means it's just super cheap knock off crap. Some of them he won't make for people, even if they ask. There's a rumor it's for Meta's with specific diets. Or alien blends. But no one can verify that. Cause like?

Anyone who tries to cause trouble?

Can't fucking FIND the place. And if you're already inside? You just... drop. Stone cold unconscious. It's definitely magic but no one knows if it's HIS or Manson's? You know? He won't talk. Gets annoyed when harrased.

Which off course!

Leaves Only ONE gentleman for the job. An elite special forces trained expert. Polite, dignified, enjoyer of fine Teas. Alfred "Why do you chucklefucks keep forgetting I was in the Queens Service and a Registered Badass" Pennyworth.

After all! He DOES have the days shopping to do.

@babbling-babull @the-witchhunter @hdgnj @legitimatesatanspawn @lolottes

[saintedbythestorm]

Managed to shower so I would have a chance to do dentist on Friday... then just sat down in my bed afterwards... and now I'm getting a migraine... yeah I don't think I can do dentist on Friday....

[mieczyhale]

I have not been around for a reason, OK? There is a reason that you have not seen me, that I have been absent, that everything has been either really late or low quality. There is a reason. And yeah, I as I'm talking into my phone, I screamed that because I'm so * frustrated. Like I'm also, I'm not well, I'm not doing well and I am trying to keep my **** together. What little bit of it I have a hold of right now and there it's just not going well. OK, I am doing my best in every * aspect. I am doing my best and it's * pathetic right now. I know, but there is nothing that I can * do about it. There's nothing. I have one Med that I have been off for a couple of weeks now through no fault of my own. The pharmacy won't give it to me. OK my mental health across the board off the charts insane. Just so so bad. It took me 3 hours. To go to bed last night, and that's just walking from one room to the * next. Typing don't even * start. There is a reason that this rant is coming out through voice. It's because two type. All of this would drive me insane. I would have even more of a breakdown than I'm already having right now. I am trying so hard and every second of every day is so much * work for my brain right now. It has been like this for a long time, but it is just so, so bad. there is a reason I am trying so hard to get into this program cause I need help. This is not going to get better on its own. It's not and I'm doing what I can, but it's not a lot. It's not, it's not going well. Nothing is going well. I'm home alone for a couple of days here. And that doesn't go well. My anxiety is. Also insane. I feel a little bit like I'm losing my mind. It is non-stop torture. And I don't want to cry, but here it's kind of starting to happen. And it's pretty common these days because I am just so, so tired. I am so tired. Of everything, of all of this, I. I am doing what I can. And I cannot do more than that. And I need some patience and some understanding. And I need people. To to take what I have given if I give you something and you want edits. At the moment, do not come to me if it's a typing project, don't even I. I literally wanted like a couple of changes and I lost my * mind that triggered this * rant. Like the straw that broke the camel's back sort of a thing. I. I I'm laughing like a lunatic. I just. I'm losing it. I'm not. I'm not doing well. I'm not doing well, I feel. This isn't good. This isn't good. I. I can't do this anymore, but I have to and that's the *. I wouldn't say it's the * worst, but it's not a good * time. And no one understands what it's like unless you have. The fun concoction of mental illnesses that I do. You just don't. But I need, I need you. I need everyone to believe. That I am doing my best. As tragic as that * sounds right now, with the way with that, with what I'm doing, it sounds like nothing. But it's what I've got. And. I need to be. Supported, but also kind of left alone. But also kind of to not be * triggered because on a good day I have low key anger. I have anger on the back burner like I'm the * Hulk. I'm Bruce Banner . That is where I am at on a good day. And when my mental health is tanked and I'm not feeling the greatest cause I'm also dealing with a tooth infection too. And I just got over being sick. I am the worst off I've been in. A month or two. The last time I was taking three hours to do something. That was last time it was this bad I. And it's it's been getting worse again, even worse. And. I know I am just repeating myself and I am rambling but I need to get this out or I'm going to scream. More than I kind of already have, honestly, I've startled the cats a little bit. I just I. I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I'm angry and. I for sake. My food is here, I'm gonna eat my ** chicken wings and watch some stuff to make myself happy and try to not think about. How awful everything is.

[thestarrynightslover]

Okay, so PD s11 finale theories:

Route A: they work real hard get to the killer and Voight but it's too late and he's dead/dying/dies en route to Med/at Med

Though I'm not so sure abt this cause we haven't heard about Jason's leaving (no, I am not up to date with who's already been confirmed to stay, sorry)

And if this happens, I think Hailey, or someone else on the team (prob Hailey), will kill the offender and it won't be the best of shoots so she'll be forced out of the department, or it'll take a toll on her and she'll take Petrovic's advice and make a change in her life (leaving cpd, and what I'm gonna say now is another discussion entirely but: she might not even wanna continue to be a cop and let's remember she has a college degree!).

OR

She'll just be really shaken by Voight's d3ath (which will be her losing another one she loved/who was her family) and will leave bc of that, she'll think that job is taking more than giving.

Route B (a happier and therefore less likely one, lol): everything will work out and Voight will be okay but Upton's good work as a team leader will be so praised that she'll get some sort of promotion and will have the opportunity (and accept, again, following Petrovic's advice) to lead another team.

OR

Even saving Voight, she'll kill the guy (or he will!! And she'll want to take the heat) and be asked to leave the pd/leave bc she can't leave like that anymore.

In summary, I think the episode, despite being a finale (which are usually more team-coded), will be Upton centric and will highlight those conversations abt mental health and change between her and Petrovic and that's gonna have everything to do with her leaving.

Another conclusion I'm reaching after e12 is that (total shocker, yes I know 🤡) there will be no upstead reunion/closure whatsoever, bc Hailey's departure is not gonna have anything to do with that. And even though I will most likely be over the moon if we get at least a phone call with Jay, I don't think that should happen bc as much as they did the upstead break up really dirty and bad and fucked up with all those unanswered phone calls and stuff, I think it wouldn't make any sense to bring him back or even up at all again, for obvious reasons: we haven't heard about Jay/upstead in forever now. Literally no mentions that either even happened on the show ever since Jo's first episode where she points out that Hailey just got a divorce. And even though Hailey's not healed at all after all she went through (not just Jay's leaving!!), it's like she has gotten some sense of closure on that part of her life and to bring that all up again would just be straight up cruel with her/them (cause whatever happens, I don't see them getting back together, so...). But this is a drama (read character-hater) show, so who knows, right?

Well, that's it, thank you for coming to my ted talk if you made it to the end of this rant. Bye, see ya next week!

[lotusmi]

hi lotus i hope you're doing well!! this ask is gonna be a long one but i have success stories!!! okay so i've always only listened to subliminals (which worked for me) and i didn't really know about states or a+p so i joined loa tumblr and learned a bit. i actually lost my airpod and needed a new one but i was saving up for my tuition and didn't have money. i decided to apply states and think about how i already had airpods and didn't have to worry about it. even if i had opposing thoughts, i kept thinking that i have it regardless and eventually distracted myself with other things and kinda forgot about it lol 😅. i don't know if it was you or another blogger but they did talk about letting go of your desires instead of constantly thinking about it and i think it worked for me!! my mom's friend who i've actually never met decided to gift me the airpods so there's that!! i've also (semi?) manifested curing my mom's disease cause she was showing symptoms of having a mini stroke and i just thought about how my mom is in the best health and just distracted myself with other things. i'm saying semi manifested cause my mother stopped having those symptoms and was out of meds but she has yet to consult to the doctor to check if it has been successfully cured or not. just recently my family was in a bad financial situation which caused my mom to be a bit depressed and i manifested how my family had everything they needed and my mom had more than enough money and boom my dad finally gets the money from the person who had borrowed from him and refused to return back 😭 i also prayed for it but yk i actually got my desire so im extremely happy. these might seem like little things but successfully manifesting "small" things have actually improved my self concept and i couldn't feel happier. thank you for your informative posts, i'll surely be coming up with other success stories 🩷🩷🩷

hi angel!! i am sorry for the late reply

successs storieeess!!

omg i am so happy for youuu (and your mom too) !! congrats angel!! i am so happy you manifested all of this 💕💕🎀 there's no such a thing as a "small success" love!! you did amazing!! and I am sure you will come with more success stories too!!

[aceofwhump]

Hi Ace! So this isn't strictly whump related but do you have any tips for coping with back pain when it comes to spending a lot of time at the computer? I'm trying to take advantage whilst I have some free time to get ahead with whumptober and day three of working on my whumptober sets and my back is freaking killing me. (My legs are aching too honestly lol). No way I can keep going like this for the next month or so 😭

Oh my god nonny you have definitely come to the right place because I suffer from back pain myself due to my larger than average sized chest. So yes I do have some tips for dealing with back pain. I mostly deal with upper back pain just fyi.

Okay so first of all make sure you pay attention to your posture while you work. Maybe set an alarm on your phone to go off once an hour or something that reminds you to sit up and pull your shoulders back and stretch. The longer you stay hunched over the more pain you're gonna have. So make sure you sit up straight often. Seriously your posture is so important and can cause a lot of pain. Try and make sure your spine is straight and if you do hunch as much as I do then just remember to take a few minutes to straighten up and stretch.

One thing that helps me with that (besides the alarm) is to use pillows behind my back. I've got one of those bed pillows which helps a lot when I use my laptop on my bed and I have another smaller pillows that I'll stick behind me when I sit in chairs. Gives my back some support and helps keep my posture straight.

So that's some preventative but for when you're already in pain there's a few things I do to help myself.

First thing I do is take some over the counter pain meds like ibuprofen or acetaminophen (i usually go for ibuprofen though). I'll also use any cream with menthol in it (like Bengay) and rub it on my muscles which provides a nice cool sensation and relieves pain. Can be a little intense though so beware.

When it's really bad (like so pain i'm gonna cry bad) I'll do all of that and then lay down on the ground on my back so it's nice and straight and place an ice pack underneath me and just numb the fuck out it for like 15 or 20 minutes. A heating pad or a warm shower can also help if it persists. And hell sometimes I just go to a family member and ask them to massage my back muscles. I have back pain so often they don't even bat an eye at me anymore lol.

Some kind of combination of all of that usually helps the pain.

There's also some stretches you can do the loosen up the muscles and prevent/relieve pain. This site has a lot of the simple stretches I do. Yoga has some good pain relief poses as well.

Hope that helps! Good luck on you whumptober!!

[princessaurorasdiary]

Diary 2/26: life update cause it's been 6 months at least

Hi 👋🏼, It's been a long time, about 6 months about. I'm 23 now

I have a lot of up and downs and haven't felt like writing, and my main creative outlet has been TikTok because to be honest, I feel less alone when I can see that people saw my video, and maybe ever gave it a like or comment

I guess I'll talk a bit about the last 6 months, I work at a craft store now, quit my old horrible job that mistreated me constantly, got COVID soon after quitting the old job, went and saw a medium sized artist I like in concert, second ever concert, her name is Tessa Violet, dragged my bff with me cause we planned it for her to come down and visit me during Spring Break.

I also confessed to my crush, they said they like me too and have just as long as I have but she thought me flirting was pitty compliments cause ADHD runs through both of us lol, it's been moving really slowly cause things keep happening to her, the universe is just slapping her weekly bro.

I don't hate my job at the craft store, but I miss doing a version of my chosen career as a baker/cake decorator, really wish that place wasn't so toxic and that I had a car already.

I'm still trying to get a car, it took me 3 months to get a new job after quitting my old one, the COVID thing was a month of that but also just this job market sucks, origami current job was seasonal, but I have really good numbers on the register and I'm good at the other parts like stalking and sorting and fixing things on the shelfs so I got kept on. I make sure not to give a ADHD 100% anymore, it killed me at my old job and whenever I only had a normal person's 100% they acted like I was failing when I was just doing a normal amount instead of a crazy amount, so I learned not to grind myself to the bone.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this, probably not tho, I go to a weekly crochet club for months now, it's all older ladies and me but it's better than nothing with how I don't really have friends other than my best friend. They care about me and I care about them and it's nice to talk to others once a week.

I kinda ran outta steam for finding friends the last 2 months, I was trying and trying and I'm just tired after months and months or trying 🤷

I think about making a post all the time, but also feel like I'm writing into the void, which has been terrifying me lately, the void that is, long story short, I was stressed AF and couldn't sleep for days the day before Halloween and tried to smoke to fall asleep, but before I'd just taken a hit or two of my brothers sleep type vape, but actually smoked it that night for the first time and instead tripped horribly and it's still affecting me mentally, the memory of the horror that was that night.

Editing a note: I was basically trying to test for a bit if a sleep strain of weed would help with my at the time rampid insomnia since sleep meds either don't work on me or give me bad side effects, but after that night I'm probably never touching it again so ✌🏼

I also am just not feeling great medically, I just got my broken tooth pulled through and did my wisdoms at the same time and already feel better even with the jaw pain, so hopefully some of the not feeling well was because of my teeth, I've been working on trying to finally fix my teeth as well and I think it might actually happen now

Anyways, it's after 3:20am so I'm gonna go lay down even if I don't sleep till 4 cause laying down is better than nothing

[brandnewhuman]

HI HOW ARE U DOING?

omg i haven't been in tumblr for a while D": i mean i wasn't that inactive, i logged in when i felt like it but i was not that active and interactive

so how have you been? :D have you been drinking enough water? have you been eating properly?

From my part i haven't been really well, i feel like everything is going bad instead of good, like i am not getting better but just getting worse and acting like i'm aren't. BUT luckily everything will get better :D i try to keep that mindset when i can ;;

BUT I'M NOT HERE TO COMPLAIN, MAN I AM SO MAD AT HALLOWEEN END, IT'S LIKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MINUTES PASSED AND WE DIDN'T GOT A CHANCE TO SEE MICHAEL MYERS. IN HIS OWN FUCKING MOVIE, i mean yeah corey was kinda hot but 😔 like man i wanted so bad to be horney for michael and in the end we didn't got as many scene moments to see him, AND IN THE FINAL MOMENTS HE GOT INSTANTLY KILLED, AND WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE TO HAVE SOME SCENES HE WAS JUST GETTING BULLIED BY COREY, I JUST- i don't know dude i got so excited for the movie and i just ended up dissapointed 😭 but well, at least it entertained me :D

ALSO, I WANT TO DRAW SOMETHING BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DRAW AND I WANT IT TO BE SLASHER THEMED SO PLEASE GIVE ME IDEAS. IF I GET TO DRAW SOMETHING I WILL SHOW IT TO U ( >▽< )

(Also- i got another of those weird dreams with slashers 😭 i was really short but it was about billy lenz. I remember that in the dream i woke up in my room and billy was there in a corner and i obviously started screaming (i don't know if from fear or from enthusiasm) but then he tried to kill me, and all of suddendly i grabbed an fork from under my pillow (i don't know why) and started to threaten him HAJSJJA and for some reason he also had a fork and well we started having an fork fight. Then i woke up 💀 my dreams are really fucking weird but they are so funny i just can't get enough of them-)

WELL BYE SORRY IF THIS IS LONG BUT I LOVE INTERACTING WITH THIS ACCOUNT ;;-;;

OH MY GOD BRO HIIIII. I WAS GETTING KINDA WORRIED

You did the right thing in taking a break if you needed it. Don't force yourself into interacting or doing stuff that drains your already very low energy. Take good care okay? Eat, take your meds, drink water, try to go for a walk if you can and do something that makes you feel happy and relaxed. I DON'T WANT ONE OF MY FAV GREMLINS TO GET SICK OR ANYTHING OKAY?

But no for real bro, I may not know exactly what you're going through but I know the feeling of not getting anywhere good with your life and its really hard when you feel like that. Not gonna tell you yOu hAVe tO bE poSiTivE or yOu dOnT hAVe to WoRRy abOuT it. If you need to feel sad or you need to say rant ecc then do it bro. You have every right to feel bad or sad and to complain about it.

You're very right about the fact that things can't stay forever like this. One day it would be less hard to go on and other days won't, you just have to find some reasons to keep going until the good days come back. SO YEAH TAKE CARE AND DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE GIVING YOU SHIT OR SAYING HOW OR HOW TO NOT FEEL.

Now speaking of halloween ends THAT SHIT WAS ASS. THEY BULLIED MY BELOVED PEEPAW, THEY TURN HIM INTO A USELESS OLD FART USING A SEWER AS A RETIREMENT HOUSE. THEY LET A DERANGED TWINK BEAT HIM UP AND STEAL HIS MASK AND CALL HIM AN OLD MAN.

Like for real WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT MOVIE WAS SOMETHING RIGHT TO DO

Like I was so happy too about it cause I have been feeling like shit and I was so hyped to see some peepaw content JUST FOR THEM TO PULL THAT FUCKING SHIT.

Yes corey was hot, yes he was a good character BUT THEY RUINED HIM TOO SO WTF WAS THE POINT OF PUTTING HIM IN THE MOVIE.

ANYWAYS BRO YOU SAID YOU NEEDED SOME IDEAS FOR SLASHER DRAWINGS? I've been trying to draw slashers but like as cute ghost and doing Halloween things I KNOW ITS BASIC BUT YOU COULD TRY. YOU'RE CERTAINLY WILL DO BETTER THAN ME

Bro your dreams should be subject of study CAUSE AT THIS POINT NOT EVEN I CAN KEEP UP WITH THEM. WHERE DOES YOUR BRAIN FIND SO MUCH IMAGINATION

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Wednesday November 15th

9am Somehow got on to self care/ girl blog/ pink aesthetic tumblr and I'm loving it lol. Woke up feeling amazing. I think I could almost not have him on my mind constantly, at least for a day or two. I don't really feel the need to text him anymore. He's become really immature and like a shell of a person, and I just don't think he's my type anymore really. He's either numb from meds or seriously narcissistic and an *admittedly* chronic cheater? He also treats his parents badly and thinks people who are actually dicks are worth his time and energy (wanting to fight ppl I would literally not give a second thought to? Wtf) I just want a person who can match my energy and man he really sucks at doing that.

Last night I was thinking about the whole yolo mindset vs always thinking about the future and I think you just need both to be happy and successful. If you just have one, it makes it hard to be present in your moments. I think I truly have struck a good balance, of course everything can be better though. I just really think he fumbled the bag and honestly, sucks to suck. Plus he still sucks at communicating to the point where it's hard to be his friend. I'm sorry I don't want to play 20 questions over text messages just to learn something you could've told me in two sentences. It's really childish still. This is another reason I am just bored texting him now, it's like pulling teeth so whatever I'll back off. I'm done chasing someone who ran away because they were too scared to work on themselves and own up to their actions. I need someone who acts like a grown up I'm sorry, and if you want to tell me that's a bad thing or it's boring, I'm telling you it's not, it's called being someone I can rely on and share equality with. We can still have fun, we're not losers, we're just responsible and can be held accountable for doing our shit without being micromanaged.

5pm Just got home and it's still raining. He apologized again today, but it's just words bro I need someone who is gonna show me they're sorry. He just can't give me what I need in a relationship (straightforward communication where I'm not pulling teeth for information please my anxiety is high enough will you just tell me wtf you're doing?? Literally takes 15 seconds.) 15 seconds to avoid a day of anxiety and fretting. I need someone who will make my anxiety calmer not just keep jacking it up. I'll stay single until I find that someone :) I know how to keep myself in check so fuck him he's still missing out.

I need to stop tensing up so much and clenching my jaw. I also need to stop expecting that trash can to sprout a garden 😂 just go look for a garden that already exists ❤️

5:30pm I tidied up a little and fish sticks are in the oven! I think I might have some OCD. I need to remember that not everything has to be perfect for me to use the kitchen. Because doing a deep clean in the kitchen before every meal causes me to *not cook* because in my brain things aren't ready or suitable. These fish sticks are still going to taste 🔥

6:43pm I had dinner and now I'm laying down. Life is good and nobody can take that away from me.

[ohgodimyearning]

had an extremely rough day yesterday that resulted in me not going to bed until close to 7 pm... Which for most people would be fine but since I work nights, I wake up at 9:30 pm. So I had to call out of work for my own safety concerns (because driving 100 miles for my commute on 2 hours of sleep isn't ideal, and that's not even getting into the equipment I work with possibly injuring me or causing damage to the park I work at)

anyway I woke up about two hours ago and have just been scrolling mindlessly until I remembered yesterday was T shot day but I didn't have a chance to do it... So I got my stuff together and did it pretty quickly (usually takes me 15-30 min on a good day, today it was less than 10 min) but this was, no joke, one of the most painful T shots I've done

I will say that the bar is low; usually they feel like a pinch, if anything at all, and then the area will be tender for a few days... It's been abt 15 min since I did my shot and it still has that like... Immediately-after-a-shot dull pain. I'm fine and it's of no concern but it's already taken the wind out of my day... I've been going through HRT for nearly 7 years now and the needlephobia has only gotten mildly better and it's still such a mental hurdle every T shot day (I'm gonna be trying to switch to gel soon but that's unimportant rn)

My mental health has been on the decline the past few weeks, too, so I'm at my wits end rn and I'm laying in bed desperately trying to convince myself that Clockboy would be proud of me just for being alive and that he would comfort me and make sure I'm taking care of myself... I feel bad for missing so much work lately due to both physical and mental health and I need to stop being so hard on myself in thinking that I'm a horrible person or lazy or something, and Clockboy would remind me of that

It's such a complex situation I'm in where I'm at a relatively good place in my life (aside from my financial situation but that's. A whole fucking thing) but I still have days where I'm completely miserable even tho overall I'm genuinely the happiest I've been... I HAVE to remind myself that depression is to blame for a lot of my negative feelings. That I can't control it (I'm on meds but they only do so much). It's genuinely a miracle I've made it this far in my life but I have to use the Clockboy in brain to tell me that this is good, that I deserve to be alive, that I'm strong, etc etc... It's incredibly silly and weird but I guess it works

I don't really know where I'm going with this post... I guess it's mostly a vent more than anything, coupled with my usual yearning for the validation and embrace of my funny clock husband.... Ugh

[thespiritoflife]

Hi Love, I hope you're doing alright. I saw both of your posts about not doing well and getting medicine for your panic disorder.

And I wanna say. I'm so proud of you for taking that step. The first step of getting a doctor and getting the meds is always the hardest.

I do have a few tips, although I don't have a panic disorder. I have severe depression, anxiety and adhd.

(Down below is quite a bit of info. Perhaps even scary/nervewracking. And I'm not trying to scare you so I'm so sorry if I do. I just want you to know some things that I didn't personally know when I first started taking meds)

I want to note though. Keep your head up. Don't stop trying. The first medicine doesn't always work for everyone. The whole process is trial and error to find the one that works for you. So if it doesn't help, don't feel too bad yeah?

I know that for me, it took 5 different types before getting to Zoloft which works for me. And I'm currently on my 4th attempt to find one for my Adhd.

I read in your thing of if get weightloss from meds. I'm sure your doctor mentioned it but I want to mention it. If you're someone whose weight fluctuates and you find your self lose or gain 10 pounds. It's not bad. But keep an eye on it, make sure it's not a constant and only a sudden one and done.

For me. Zoloft made me gain 15 pounds. And after trying so many times to get a med to work. I honestly don't care. I'd rather be mentally okay. Ofc it's different for everyone but just know it's normal.

Something my doctor never mentioned, was be absolutely careful when it comes to missing your meds. Some meds it's totally okay to just drop it. But others like Zoloft and high dosages, If you cold turkey it, it can Hurt a lot.

If you get any symptoms of feeling sick within first two days of taking a new med. Stop. Idc what a doctor says "you'll get used to it" or "it's a gradual thing" absolutely not. The pain and suffering of getting sick from a medicine is not worth it. I tried powering through once before and I severely regret it.

There's good doctors and bad doctors. Good who actually do the research on meds and bad who go based off of old informational packets.

Idk about most meds. But if a doc says "this used to be used for this. But it's not anymore cause it doesn't work" DONT. if you get prescribed it. Research it before taking one.

I got prescribed blood pressure meds that my doctor said "isn't used to treat that anymore" and said it will help me sleep. I probably almost died cause I already have low blood pressure and got given meds to lower blood pressure.

That's all I can remember at the moment. But If you have any questions, you're more than welcome to come to my DMs.

I really hope you have a safe experience and find something that helps you. We all care for you and wish you the best.

Hello my sweet kind anon🤍 Whoever you are, this means lot to me, you coming into my askbox to encourage me. You're sweetheart🤍🤍

No worrries, you didn't scare me at all !! I am thankful for these tips!!

Yes, you're totally right!! I know, mental health is more important than number of your weight and I need to learn that. If I will be heavier but happier, I won't care too!!

Oh my, I didn't know that!!! That it isn't good to feel sick when taking meds! My doctor didn't tell me about it😶 Thank you so much for telling me, oh my god!! I just need to talk about my doctor about it! And I need to change my meds probably too! 🤔

Oh my god, I am sorry for you that you almost died!!! That's horrible but it's doctor's fault!! How could this happen??!! This stuff shouldn't NEVER happen. Some doctors really should think before saying!!!

But you know what, I am happy for you that you found meds - Zoloft and that it helped you!!

i just had phone call with my doctor, i am gonna take other meds!!

Thank you so much sweet nonnie, you're an angel!! And I am here for you too, if you needed me, anytime. I'll try to help you. I love you so much!

And you're damn strong!! Know that

We all can do that!!!!

[vole-mon-amour]

The Newsreader, 1x02.

"There's nothing happening between Helen and I." "Sure." <...> "Who made the first move?"

You jerks :') Cackling, but also feeling so bad. Dale is so shy and genuine and embarrassed a bit.

They!! That suit looks sooo good on her.

"I don't like people talking about me." If you're going to become a newsreader, they're going to talk about you anyway. Who cares!! Enjoy Helen's wonderful company and have fun!!

"Is this your way of telling me I'm a little bit too much?" YOU'RE ABSOLUTE NOT. Pick me, I'd go with you, babe. <3 Dale, what are you doing :(

Who goes to your friends house where there are NO rumors, only trust, tells them "We can hang out after hours, just not at work things" and LEAVES??? You're already there, wyd!!

People are being assholes to Noelene, she deserves better.

No offense, but go jump off a bridge or smthng.

Oh, and Helen has panic attacks? Dale, wyd!! Be nicer!!

I mean, I understand, a person can't be dependent on another person, especially fully. But I understand it as Helen doesn't have any friends? A public figure that lives alone, lonely, and Dale becomes her only friend and now pushes her away? C'mon. I know it's for the sake of development and eventually Dale is going to realize that no matter what he does, people are always talking anyway. But omg, Helen deserves better.

How are they allowed to drink at work and why do Noelene and Helen have to deal with all the shit coming their way when these two are literally DRINKING BEER AT WORK??? DURING DAYLIGHT WORKING HOURS???

I'm amazed at how Helen is losing it between the camera rolling and not. How she managed to pull herself together in 30 freaking seconds. The credit is fucking due. But oh, how she loses herself again when the work is done for the hour. She definitely needs new meds and some serious therapy.

Somebody get her into AA & get Lindsay away from her. If he hurts her at any point-- I don't fucking like where this is going.

How scared and broken she looks in here. Lindsay, I swear to fucking Outsider--

"I just wanted to know if you were alright."

And the way she looks at him. Breaks my heart. It's like she's insecure 'cause Dale is pushing her away, maybe thinking that this is what she's worth (=Lindsay), whether she wants it or not.

"Good luck." Get FUCKED. I've only had Helen for 2 episodes but if anything happens to her, I'm gonna kill everyone in this room and force Dale to never fucking leave her and always treat her RIGHT.

How Helen loses it as soon as Lindsay leaves and cries in Dale's arms. She trusts him with all of her. ;_;

Most men at the office are so delusional about what their words and actions do to women & how it affects women. I'm gonna go berserk at one point, it drives me insane. Oh that privilege of being a cis straight white man that chooses to not think about their actions without even realizing it. But sometimes they do and they STILL choose to ignore it. Kinda getting really mad here.

They are so cute. And I get why people ship them off the bat, but a big part of me wants them to stay friends and become best friends. I don't totally get why Dale is pushing Helen away so hard. What is he afraid of? Confrontation? That Helen would eventually want to cross that line and become lovers? That he'll fall in love with her and everyone at the office were right all along? Is he that insecure? What is it, Dale?

What is this smile? He was just low key freaked out because he was lying on her pillow and on her bed and immediately got up with "I should go", but now this smile? I'm getting mixed signals here & I'm very confused. Or is it Jeff's retirement? But then he talks about Tim and wants to join him for the comet??? I'M SO CONFUSED, somebody explain this to me lol.

Can we talk about the details here? I KNOW he spent the night at her place, on her bed and all. But can we acknowledge that he actually unbuttoned his shirt a bit and took out the belt? AND he's living her house without fixing his appearance. Just holding that belt in his hands. I just--

I get why people would be talking. I mean, if I saw my colleagues like that, I, too, would be??? Not to mention if that was otp. I'd be screaming about it for months.

At the same time, it's like the show is pushing this ship on me (unless they are trying to prove a point of a man and a woman can look and act like a couple but still be friends and friends only, which I doubt is the case here)? They became such good friends so fast and people at work think they are dating and that they spend most of their free time together. I have such mixed feelings on this. I think I'm gonna be a bit disappointed if it ends in romance.

Now that I think about it, it makes the perfect sense. Tim asks about Dale's relationship with Helen and if they broke up, gives him his number in a very specific name, "either way, it's fine". I-- The layers of this show.

She's such a mess, I think I might have a crush on her. Oh to have your public person that wants to spend your time with you, take you out and just genuinely enjoys your company. I mean, Dale is nice & I'm torn between them (make me into a sandwich in between them pls), but also? Anna Torv in any role? Give me. I am once again begging for season 3 of Mindhunter, please. IDC how older she looks in s3, I need her back as Wendy Carr.

"Everyone agrees. They owe you an apology. The whole Lindell family." Okay, what happened then? Is this why he's insecure and been pushing Helen away? Bc someone either humiliated and/or broke his heart?

Wait, is Dale canonically bi/gay????? If he is, why do I always joke about characters being bisexuals but so slow at picking the clues? Lol.

He's such a sunshine. I know Sam is a good actors, I KNOW, but it's still mind-blowing watching him to give his characters a life and still be completely different in every role. Different body language, different personalities that you can see through every move. And then you look at Sam Sam & it's a different person irl, too. That is definitely worth something.

I mean, listen... :) And how HAPPY she is to see him. Don't end up in romance!! DO NOT PLEASE. This show is way too cute sometimes.

Baby, you're myyyy anggeeeeellll! You both are.

I mean, they are VERY cute, but are they doing this to me? Everyone is basically saying that they're dating and it LOOKS like they're dating.

Evelyn is kind of a bitch, isn't she. :)) And not in a good way.

They're that kind of a pair, aren't they?

"I'm gonna do it." "DO NOT!" "I'm doing it."

Lol lol lol.

Does Dale realize that "You absolutely can count on my support" means that he'll have to go against Helen? And I don't think he would want to do that? Cause Geoff totally dislikes Helen and where she wants to take the news (aka show more women, news on AIDS, liberation, all that stuff). Cause I don't think Dale realizes that.

They're so cute. One part of me screams, "Ship it!" The other screams, "STAY FRIENDS!"

Aaaand of course he kisses her. DALE!!! The way he looks at her, though. I still feel like he's bisexual? Idk why. Just some vibe from him.

Lmaooo.

The way they chose to kiss on the dance floor where the cameras can caught it and will definitely print it on the news. They're living in the moment but won't they regret it?

Also, you know, this does have a bit of The Newsroom energy. Sometimes Lindsay is the villain, the other times he's a pretty cool dude. And both shows are very niche, so there's that.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Misc: R's health and my minion skin

Tldr: R is better and me es okay but worsening

R finally figured out what was wrong with her heart. Crazy enough it was her kidney? I don't understand it really but I am just so relieved she can finally stop stressing about that.

She was suspecting heart disease and she thought she'd be out the game soon soon but I think now she'll be okay for a long long time as long as she stays consistent on taking her medicine. Tho that does kinda suck in its own way I'm sure. Just shy of being a whole ass adult and she already has two lifelong meds that she needs to keep her going. I can already see her sulking about it already smh. We talk too dang much there's no way i should be able to guesstimate future sore spots for her bruh..

For now, we're both really happy about it. Well. Okay she's still not talking with her partner so she's down from that tbr. I know it was a relief for her but ya know.. still just hurt rn. I, however, am just like. So relieved. She's been complaining about her heart for months and I can't count how many times she's thought she was gonna die from the sheer pain she was in. She'll be getting her meds for the junk soon soon and also getting better meds for her blood pressure shit as well.

It made me cry damn near instantly honestly. She used to call me in tears at times thinking she was gonna die and now she just.. exist. I hate that due to her partner shit and other nonsense going on she can't really see too much of the bright side. i mean I'm sure it's a huge weight off her shoulder's that even if they don't know specifics just yet they're actually taking her serious now. She's too damn young to be worrying about that shit you know ? Well.. she's too young for half her gosh dang health issues but you get what I mean T^T But uh yeh I dunno. She's still sad and stuff but we're both a least a little bit better off with the new findings

As for my health, I won't lie. It's gotten a bit worse. I'm still okay and I can still hide it pretty easily. My eyes have gotten a little more yellowish and I noticed yesterday that it feels like I'm like... I dunno. Burning? It's hard to describe. It feels like I have a fever but I can feel it everywhere. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's hard to ignore cause I mean like it aint exactly an everyday occurrence to feel burny throughout your entire damn body but I don't think I'd be too obviously uncomfortable in front of anyone else.

I am also really tired all the damn time. I first noticed it around the time I played terraria with the friend that bought it for me but I figured at the time it was off the benadryl but it continued ever since. It was definitely before all the jaundice shit started but I'm assuming that's around when whatever mess is going on with me started.

Plus.... to no ones shock. I am withdrawing.. Yayyyy....

T_T

That has honestly been the hardest part. I hate how addiction works. I'm just looking back at all the times I felt like complete shit after a dose, all the times I've felt disgusting for still taking em, and just alll the times I've had to hide my high from everyone. Just bad news left and right. i don't even really like how the high feels anymore. It's nice sure but the more I experience other forms of intoxication/highs the more I see I'd prefer damn near anything else 💀💀💀

But even all that being said, even with me more than likely fucking myself over with them stupid damn pills, I've been wanting more this entire time. I don't get why. i've only just barely been able to drink enough water to not risk a sore throat from me plain just breathing, I am literally half sleep as is, and I haven't been eating so it'd probably make my stomach burn. I guess I like hurting myself at this point. I never saw it as that but its the only explaination

Anyway. Withdrawing is leaving me a bit shaky and my already shitty appetite as of late has gotten worse. I think it's been about a day since I've eaten anything. Ima get some cereal or something. I'm sure the emotional effects of withdrawing is also doing its thing but I've already been crying and shit as is so I honestly couldn't tell you anything different

I want to hide my jaundice junk for a few more days so i can let as much of this benadryl out of me as I can before risking going to the doctor. That shit about dph sticking in your system for days and days is really not ideal.. I'm glad I learned that fact as if I had tried to go when I first noticed I would've almost instantly got some flack for clearly overdosing on the shit. I heard they'll pump you with charcoal and everything bruh nah. It has been I think. 3ish days since I took that 1.5 so I'm sure a good chunk of its gone but I mean. Normal dose is 30 times lower than that sooo maybe not.

I won't even lie, I'm scared. The burny feeling is so strange and I'm tired of being sleepy all the damn time. It was one thing when it was cause of the dph cause it honestly became second nature to fight the drowsiness of that but this is weird. I can sit here in bed all day and I'd still be super tired by the time I get up to do something. But, it's really not too bad. I should probably be able to hide it for a good nother 2-3 days and by then I'm sure they'd either notice how much extra I'm sleeping or my eyes'll give me away.

I don't mind hiding it really. i am scared but at the same point, hard as it is to read, I do not care about my health. Whatsoever. I can't even be bothered to try to. I've been looking back on all the times I'd sit around wishing I didn't have to be here and feeling stuck as to not hurt anyone. I had a major health scare that ended up getting brushed off and never mentioned and I was sitting there sobbing in my room, disappointed that it ended up being nothing serious. I was just so ready for it to be some big deal and shit and I'd finally be done. I could just have my last few months of fun then go. Sure it'd hurt but it ain't like.. as hurtful. Cause it was out of my control. It doesn't have that same message as me deciding to leave on my own would end up having.

And now I'm hiding cause it'd moreso be out of my control if I didn't. If I let this jaundice shit get too bad I'm going to urgent care no questions asked. I can't exactly talk them out of taking me when my symptoms is just like. OUT. Cant hide or not tell if I wanted to. My gross colored skin and my yellow ass eyes are gonna scream that i need to. If I take some more pills, Ima get found out and gonna have a lot more supervision from my parents. If not also getting thrown in some sort of program or something lmfao

A part of me wanna just keep doing what I was doing before I noticed my bananaification. I know it's stupid and self destructive and that's the only thing holding me back from it but god if I was at my own place I would more than likely keep going til I either A. die or B. in excruciating amounts of pain. I know I should care but. That is the truth. I don't think anything'd change that honestly. My sicklyness even gotten R to get back on the phone with me and it's kinda pathetic but I am really happy about it. Even knowing that she'd dip on me in a second if her partner came back. And knowing she only's responding and paying attention cause I'm sick rn. I mean. It's still admirable that she cares to keep up with me even tho she's sad rn but I mean. I dunno. It's a bittersweet happiness. It's sweet of her but it's weird knowing that I am alone in that feeling. Does that imply if I knew she wasn't thinking about her partner rn I'd have a change of heart?

I don't really know or care to think of all that rn tbh.. Heh uh the withdrawal moodiness is definitely making its place. I'm gonna stop now it'd make no sense to keep whining and I don't want to risk crying while she's on the phone.

[takoichigo]

So I'm at MAGFest.

I didn't do anything today besides pick up my badge and my MAGFest merch. Which nearly fucking killed me. I was extremely dehydrated and at the end of my rope emotionally and it was NOT a good time. And then the guys brought me back lunch, which was a sub. Apparently all the bread at the sub place is absolutely covered with sesame seeds. Like a ludicrous amount of them. But I couldn't like, send it back or not eat it. I can't walk outside in the cold for more than a few steps so my options for food are pretty much limited to what I can get someone to bring me. It tasted good at least, but my insides are going to be incredibly angry when those hit my colon. I can't have seeds or nuts or anything of that nature. I didn't get dinner. They went without me and didn't ask if I wanted them to bring me back anything.

Because I overdid it this morning my body has just shut down, essentially. I have not had any energy to do anything beyond a little tidying. I missed my friend's panel, the one thing I really wanted to go to today. I've basically been in the same position for 10 hours because moving hurts. I've been lying on my stomach. Which is really bad for my elbows, which have been particularly scaly and dry lately, and I also scraped one of them on the stupid textured wall in the bathroom. Intensely painful for no reason other than there are about two positions I can lie in where it doesn't hurt too bad, and one is on my stomach, resting on my elbows. If I'm lucky sometimes I can hit comfortable. At the moment I'm closer to tolerable. I'm trying to go to sleep. My brain isn't having it.

I'm exhausted and not used to sleeping in a room with other people. Especially when one of them snores super loud. Even though this is a person I have shared a bed with several times. They're just loud. It sounds like a buffalo drowning in a mud pit.

Our room neighbors are VERY loud as well. Thankfully it hasn't been an issue while I've been trying to sleep. But they scream at each other instead of conversing. It's annoying, but not unexpected. I'm not gonna cause a fuss over it or anything. People are having fun. I hope they're having a great time. This is a fun event. Unless you have cancer and chemo has crippled you and made your hands and feet useless and stolen all your energy.

I told myself I was going to have fun here. I need to have fun. It is unacceptable for me to just be in this room all weekend. Pain has stolen one day of happiness away from me. It doesn't get to do that for the next three days. If it does I will feel like I have wasted my money, my time, and my energy on doing this, and I'll feel stupid for even thinking I could handle it. I don't want that.

Well my head sure was full of thoughts. This is a genuinely long post. And I could go on even longer about the stupid embarrassing things that have already happened to me. But I won't, because I don't want to think about them anymore. This is enough.

I did have some fun. The hotel TVs show "MAGtv" which is a feed of things that are happening around the fest. I watched three concerts that were happening downstairs and very much enjoyed two of them. They showed two or three panels that I wasn't interested in. They switched to the feed of their charity speedrun for a bit, and a very buff man was juggling things, and every time he dropped one, he'd have to do pushups based on how much had been donated. It was strangely riveting to watch. I enjoyed it.

Anyway, it's going on 2 AM and I took my meds half an hour ago so I should actually feel like sleeping soon. I should have taken them earlier, but I didn't want to miss hanging out with my friends if they came back to the room to chill. Which we did for a while. It was nice. I don't think I made my friend mad about missing his panel. At least I hope I didn't. He still hasn't told me what I did to irritate him. I'm trying to not be a pain. But it's hard. I feel bad that I complained a little about lunch. And also about sideways complaining about them not bringing me dinner. But what can I do? Things are so rarely under my control anymore. Just need to stay as mindful as I can.

Good lord this is a novel. I'm done now, I swear.

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer I

Part 02: That James Deam Daydream

series masterlist | previous part

summary: After the car accident, you haven��t been able to get Rafe out of your mind but hasn’t he already caused enough trouble?

a/n: With the semester ending I have a lot more free time so I plan on updating this series more consistently (ie weekly)!! I’m also gonna start a taglist for this series so if you want to be added to it drop a ☀️ in my inbox/messages!

word count: 1.5k

The fluorescent lights of the hospital flooded your vision as you blinked your groggy eyes open. The machines you were connected to beeped slow and hypnotically beside you. You could feel the pain that would ripple through your body with every movement before had even attempted to sit up. Your breathing was labored and forced, an unusual sensation.

Your mom entered the room carrying two cups of steaming coffee which she placed on the small table in the corner of the room as soon as she noticed you were awake. She sat down quickly in the chair that was situated on the left side of your hospital bed. She automatically took your hand in hers.

"Oh, good, honey. You're awake. How are you feeling?" She asked, her brow knit together in concern. The bags under her eyes seemed to give you some indication of how long you'd been out. Your mother was always the most put together in the room. Her dirty blonde hair, the same color as yours, always gave the allusion of having been freshly blown out. Her makeup never looked chalky or stale, a skill you'd never quite been able to replicate. She lived in black blazers and stilettos, her purse resting in the nook of her arm.

The person holding tightly onto your hand in that hospital room was an entirely different version of your mom. One that two days ago had gotten a call that her daughter had gotten into a car crash, thrown a bunch of clothes in a suitcase, and board the first available flight from Oregon to the Outer Banks.

Your eyelids drooped, it was taking all your energy to keep them open so you let them close.

"Mom," you said, your voice coming out just barely above a whisper. "What happened?" You asked, even though you remembered most of what had happened the night of the crash.

The way you'd scrapped your knee climbing out of your window of your Nonna's house. The beautiful Cameron boy. The bonfire and the stink eye Phoebe had given you all night. The headlights of the car bellowing down the wrong side of the road. Rafe's hand grabbings yours.

Your mom reached up and brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen onto your face. "You were in a car crash y/n. The other car hit the side of the one you were in and pushed you into a ditch. The force of the airbag fractured your rib which punctured your lung. The doctors said you're gonna be okay but they're keeping you on an IV drip of some pain meds."

Your chest did feel heavy but not just from the injuries.

"Wh- what about Rafe? Is he okay?" You forced yourself to open your eyes.

Your mom breathed in sharply. "He's okay. He left the hospital yesterday with his dad with only a concussion and a broken wrist."

"Mmmhmm." You mumbled in acknowledgment. You could feel sleep taking over once again. "I love you." You said to your mom before drifting off.

☼☼☼

Your bed was littered with the clothes you should have been packing because your flight left early tomorrow morning but instead, you were laying on the floor staring up at the ceiling, the fan whirling around rapidly. The August heat had seeped into the house, causing you to break into a sweat with the smallest movement. The sounds of the conversation between your Nonna and mom echoed from downstairs. You were sure they were probably arguing about you, again.

Your mom hadn't been able to let the accident go even though. You tried to explain to her how you'd left the house without your Nonna's permission so it wasn't like it was totally her fault. You sighed, wincing at the pain that still ran through your body when you took too deep a breath.

A tiny ping filled your ears causing you to sit up.

Ping. There it was again.

A third peddle hit your window. You walked over to it, sliding it open to see Rafe standing on the lawn below.

Your breath hitched. You hadn't seen him since that night but he looked exactly the same except for the black splint on his wrist.

"Hi," he yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth so his voice carried.

You glanced over your shoulder nervous that your mom or Nonna were going to walk into the room at any moment having heard Rafe's shouting.

"Come up here," you replied, waving him up to your room.

With a surprising amount of speed for someone with only one good wrist, he pulled himself up the side of the porch and climbed through your window.

His eyes meet yours as he landed on the carpet and words escaped you entirely. The sparks that had been there that night hadn't disappeared at all.

"Hey, stranger," Rafe said, failing to hold back a smirk.

"Nice cast," you replied.

He looked down at it and quickly back up at you. "I'm sorry about everything. I promised to get you home safe and then got us into a car crash. Not exactly how I pictured the night ending." He forced a laugh but the regret in his voice was unmissable.

You took a step closer to him. "You don't have to apologize Rafe. You did everything you could. And I'm okay. You're okay. We're alive." There was more you wanted to say but the words seemed to disappear before you could form them.

Rafe closed the distance between the two of you stopping right in front of you. "God, I like you so much and I really fucked it up. Didn't I?"

This time a genuine laugh escaped you. "I think we might be able to salvage it." You responded feeling unusually bold. You grabbed his face, pulling him down to your level and placed an urgent kiss on his lips.

He slipped his own hand behind your neck, keeping your mouth pressed against his. The air around you was electric and neither of you dared to pull away first.

The door to your bedroom swung open and your Nonna's loud stern voice suddenly took over.

"Y/n y/l/n."

You stepped away from Rafe quickly, dropping your arms to your side. You turned around to face your Nonna. Her face was set with anger.

"Out Mr. Cameron." She instructed.

"Right. I was just leaving." He replied, moving back towards the window.

"Out the front door." Your Nonna clarified.

"Oh, yeah. Of course. My bad." Rafe said. His eyes connected with yours for just a moment as he walked out of the room. Your head the front door close behind him a few beats later.

You stayed frozen in the middle of the room, awaiting the lecture you knew was coming next.

Your Nonna crossed the room and shut the window.

"You're letting all the a/c out." She said, dryly.

"I'm sorry," you responded, apologizing for more than leaving the window open.

"A Cameron boy almost ruined your mother's life. I won't let the same thing happen to you." Your Nonna pushed some of your clothes aside and sat down on the bed.

"Your mom," she started again. "She started dating Rafe's dad, Ward, during her junior year. He was a year older and going to UNC in the fall. She wanted to follow him after she graduated high school. She thought she loved him and I told her no. Told her she could pick anywhere else but I wouldn't pay for her to throw her life away for puppy love. They broke up in October of her senior year. She barely spoke more than a few words to me for months. Then she moved away to California for college and didn't call me her entire freshman year. It was the hardest thing I've had to do as a mother. It almost ruined me. Ruined our relationship. But he was never going to really make her happy. He didn't love her like she loved him and it would never have lasted and then she'd be stuck at a school that she hadn't chosen for herself." Your Nonna looked up at you as she finished speaking.

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" She asked. "That Cameron boy isn't good for you." Your Nonna stood up and walked over to you. She placed a kiss on your forehead. "I love you, muffin."

"I love you too." You replied. "I gotta finish packing."

"Okay," she said, closing the door behind her as she walked out of your room.

You flopped backward onto your bed and let out an audible groan. You had finally kissed Rafe Cameron and of course, your Nonna had to walk in at that moment.

Your phone, which had been previously discarded in the mess on your bed, buzzed. You pulled it out from under a pile of swimsuits. A text from Rafe popped up on the screen.

r: 'I'm officially scared of your grandma.'

y/n: 'hahah did you know our parents dated in hs?'

r: 'Really? I didn't. Weird.'

r: 'When do you leave?'

y/n: 'tomorrow moring'

The three dots showing that Rafe was typing appeared the screen up again and then went away. You waited another moment before turning your phone off and tossing it to the side.

You knew your Nonna just wanted the best for you but it wasn't gonna be easy to get Rafe Cameron out of your head.

[vtforpedro]

health update, long post - TWs in tags

I haven't made an update in a while because I am exhausted. more exhausted than I can say head is still bad. working with the new neuro and just last week he gave me the diagnosis of IIH I've been waiting for a year to happen c': because he's smart and knows everything has been ruled out and when I explain it feels like a bowling ball is sitting on the bridge of my nose during episodes and that my ears feel full, I have visual disturbances, I'm having trouble with memory/information processing, my nose pops lol that I am describing a fuck ton of pressure in my skull so I didn't have to do the lumbar puncture. wish the US would get caught up with the UK because they advise against LPs because they're DANGEROUS and doctors can use those extra years of school to make big brain decisions anyway. we're doing this thing of going up on one med at a time and over three weeks to reduce side effects because I am so sensitive to meds. going up on the med that treats the nerve pain I get from my brain being swollen from PRESSURE and pressing against the giant nerve on the side of my head lol taken three times a day so going up on dose more each week to get to the desired dose then I'll take the ~magic~ drug that is the only one prescribed to treat IIH by reducing the amount of spinal fluid surrounding your brain. really REALLY terrifies me because tons of people have to get off of it because of bad side effects and I'm already so sensitive 😭 but we're starting at a really low dose, half the usual starting dose, and also doing a three week thing to get to the desired dose if it doesn't help, he'll refer me to an IIH specialist at our big neuro hospital (my insurance might not let me see them though so I may have to go elsewhere but I was thinking why haven't they done that in the past year when he said it 🙃) and also probably a migraine specialist things are moving forward with that at least in remission from leukemia for 10 months as of last month and will be 12 in the first week of december!! my hematologist moved our appts out every six months c: so that's good. I got really lucky with it. still probably stuck in my apartment for another year because people can't get their shit together to put an end to covid. blood cancers can not only cause severe illness/death (and my labs are still abnormal even if the leukemia isn't detectable) but it could cause it to come out of remission with a vengeance so. can't be around people had to fight my apt complex just yesterday not to send maintenance in to change the fucking lightbulbs because I can't have people (who are apparently not required to wear masks anymore!!!!) who have been in countless other apts come into mine ha ha ha whole host of new GI problems tho!!!! so that's been fun. can't find a reason for it either so I'm not sure what my GI is gonna. do about it. I've had the double scope procedure, multiple abdominal ultrasounds and CT scans and now a good amount of labs with nothing that explains why I get some severe pain and constipation. haven't been constipated this entire year cause of my diet and it just started one day despite no changes. really frustrating I had a pain about a week ago so bad I could barely walk. it was low enough that I don't know if it was GI or reproductive system but it's been not great with pain saw an OBGYN yesterday for a pap smear. kinda still concerned about le lady parts but she said everything looked fine at least probably gonna get off birth control after we see how I do on the IIH med so we can determine where side effects, if any, are coming from. she said I will likely see positive benefits and both her and neuro agreed it might help my migraines weight loss has kind of stopped. right at 40lbs too. it's been so frustrating and I've tried to change up the foods I'm eating but it's just not happening. I absolutely need to lose more weight for the IIH so idk what to do. can't exercise at all. can barely move around to go to appointments and I barely make it through all the stuff I have to do after we're thinking I may need a

shower chair soon. it'll help but it also sucks that I need one at all. makes me sad, especially for the next reason! I woke up this morning to see that disability denied my claim. even after everything I gave her. I was expecting this, but still hoping for good news because of *gestures broadly* all of this, plus my neuropsych and psych both diagnosing me with severe depression and ptsd lmao so I'm kind of. really fucking down right now it could take two years before I have a hearing with a judge after appealing. I can only hope the lawyer I spoke to in april sticks to his word and takes my case on my age is working against me but I've had a history of depression/anxiety since I was 10 and started to be treated then too anyway this is getting really long. I've had so many appointments already this month and it's exhausting. it's exhausting having to deal with doctors who are as shitty as ever and it's exhausting having to come home and do covid procedure/shower and it's exhausting having to be worried about getting covid from medical professionals who are not nearly as careful as they should be I can't count how many times they've asked me or suggested I take off my masks lol this phlebotomist tried to kill me last week (I may be exaggerating) and had to get help despite my excellent veins that even while dehydrated give quick/good blood and the guy she had to call in to help told me I could take off my masks b/c that helps him with anxiety attacks I got an 'anxiety attack' because not only did she keep moving the needle in my arm over and over and over again but she gripped it so hard it was causing me 10/10 pain I CAN STILL FEEL THE BRUISE but she kept doing it after I was telling her it hurt very badly so I got super woozy and had to lie down lmao and then she missed my vein in my hand. when I had one tiny tube left out of SEVEN. he got it instantly and quickly I'm tired of these people!!!!! I'm tired of shit luck and shitty medical professionals I'm tired tired tired of it had three appts with the psychologist and it didn't work out cause he was a man in the end. but I have an intake appointment with a therapist today to get an official therapist and I'm crossing my fingers. I need an actual trauma therapist and a woman who will not likely laugh and say we need to work on my 'taste in men' like they weren't the ones to choose to abuse me my father and brother the longest??????? so lol wonderful thing to say but w/e. men being men my neuro wants an mri done in late dec/early jan and while I'm extremely...... extreeeemely......... tired of medical imaging, it'll probably be my last one unless something goes very wrong for like six months I cannot tell y'all how tired I am of all of this. they hand out labs and imaging orders like candy to likely avoid malpractice without a care or thought to the patient's time and money depression is bad right now. I'm just tired of all of this ANYWAY! even longer now I had to get a pill case cause my memory is getting so awful I will forget if I took my medicine or not within minutes of the time I need to and it's about 50/50 I think so I am either missing or doubling doses and yeah. I feel old. but it's rainbow-colored at least 😂 hope you're all doing well and staying safe. crazy world we live in and I hope it calms down eventually as far as the plague goes love you all very much. thanks for being so supportive and thank you ahead of time for any replies. I'm terrible at getting back to you all when I shouldn't be. I lack the spoons sometimes