#it's only been a fucking week and i'm already mentally going 'how tf can i do this'

[weebsinstash]

I'm sorry but I'm going insane for your idea of Lilith and Luci getting a sinner pregnant together can we please have more of your thoughts on this idea 🙏

Absolutely because I'm a dirty little heathen and Season 2 isn't just about to magically pop up out of the ground and I've had SOME THOUGHTS and also this post is way longer than it should be 💀

I was sitting and I was thinking of the concept of the Hotel having communal breakfasts or having at least one day of the week where there's food served and everyone (typically) eats together, not only as a bonding/unity sort of thing but also simular to how real hotels can have complimentary breakfast as part of your stay, and like, yeesh this is actually an entirely separate fic idea in of itself but you're talking with Alastor and you're saying something along the lines of "oh yeah, well, I was actually starting to think a lot about motherhood before I died, but, raising children is so complicated, not to mention society right now is so genuinely hostile and dangerous to children, and i wouldn't have been able to afford it anyways, and, well, you know, NOW i literally can't have them down here"

AND FROM THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE END OF THE TABLE

COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED

HERE'S LILITH, "Oh! It wouldn't be impossible at all! You and Lucifer could still have a baby :)"

RECORD SCRATCH SOUND EFFECT AS EVERYONE LOOKS TO THE QUEEN OF HELL. She seems completely unbothered while her husband is A TOMATO, he can barely even look in your direction, he's just tugging on her sleeve, "L-Lili, cmon, don't say things like that 😳🥴" and awkwardly laughing, maybe even asking to speak to his wife in private (I feel like its a regular occurrence for these two to dip out of a room and reappear and Lilith is reapplying her lipstick as she re-enters followed by a kiss covered Lucifer lmao)

Can you even imagine going to Charlie, "hey um, this is awkward, your mom keeps like. Jesus please don't kill me I'm not a homewrecker but your mom keeps making comments about me having a baby with your dad and she sounds completely serious about it and shes been bringing it up for like two weeks" and you could not be saying this in a more obvious "hey girl this is weird and I don't like it, can you chat with your parents for me to stop this" kind of way BUT, the actual way Charlie is responding ALSO THROWS YOU OFF. I can see it already, Charlie all but LIGHTS UP WITH EXCITEMENT and she, takes a breath, "oh!! I mean!! You don't have to do anything you don't want to obviously, bbBUT UH THAT BEING SAID oh gosh that sounds like it would make you really happy, aaaaand and I know you wanted a family of your own and, hey isn't this place about new beginnings and" GIRL WE AREN'T HAVING A BABY WITH YOUR DAD TF?

You know how I made that post "hey Lucifer kind of appears to have these vague Master Of All type powers down in Hell, what if he could manipulate your dreams and made you dream about being a kid because he's wanting to heal your inner child/adopt you". I also started thinking recently about Lucifer AND OR Lilith using these powers to make you dream about 1) being with them in general and more specifically 2) motherhood and i started mentally deep diving for that shit. Like. It could genuinely actually get so fucked up actually. Could you imagine you're just, VULNERABLE with the Queen of Hell and you're drunk and you're crying and you're just, SPILLING EVERYTHING, she's getting your entire life's story, and she's petting your hair as youre way too drunk to realize youre telling her way too much, amd she's just thinking "oh you poor thing, human society sounds absolutely dreadful now" and like. Think of it from a hypothetical fantasy psychology perspective. It's not like Lilith has never been part of modern society, she's been a member of Hell forever and has only been out of contact for 7 years, BUT she also exists from a time predating all of that AND she built Hell with Lucifer, so like, imagine she actually starts forming some um Strong Opinions on how, it sounds like all these complicated modern things are really dragging you down, both as a person and as a free spirit, and comes to a consensus that your life needs to be a little... simpler

I'm serious, I'm talking "Lilith makes you dream about being In The Actual Goddamn Garden Of Eden Itself with her and Lucifer and you're ALL naked". Just completely controlling your dream. You're naked as the day you were born and so are they and you can't control your dream at ALL. Lilith is wanting to like, watch you peacefully frolic around, I'm talking she wants to see you having your Hot Nymph Summer where you're napping in beds of flowers and you're having birds land on your finger and you're gasping at all the pretty flowers and wanting to explore and, experiencing the beauty of being alive without all these messy modern nuances and it's like NO MAAM I DONT WANT TO PICK BERRIES FROM THAT BUSH, YOU CAN SEE M Y BUSH AND I CAN SEE YOURS AND YOUR HUSBANDS---

Alastor is over here thinking he's hot shit, "oh I do so wish we could return to simpler times without all these modern trivial problems!!" MEANWHILE LILITH IS LIKE. ACTUALLY GOING THAT EXTRA MILE. Alastor is like "boo cellphones are bad and women dont dress modestly enough, people these days spend too mych time with technology and not with family" meanwhile in "the garden" a completely naked Lilith is braiding your hair and weaving flowers into it while an also completely naked Lucifer is feeding you berries by hand as they discuss the idea of having a nice fun swim in the lake passed the glade, like you guys really are frolicking and fucking around like a bunch of fairies and it's. It's peaceful and fun but also you miss your cellphone and having underwear 😩 like miss queen of hell can I PLEASE get some boob support--

Moving on, I was thinking of the Fake Garden in of itself, as its own idea, but like in this poly baby raising context, it would be essentially Phase 1 of the plan to normalize their presences to you and make you more comfortable around them and then skipping into Phase 10 of "oh hey by the way you're gonna have a dream about um sleeping with the King and Queen of Hell and it's Totally Not Real and you're Totally Definitely Not Actually Like For Real For Real Legitimately Pregnant Now ;)" like. First off before I get any farther in this post can we just like acknowledge the like HEINOUSNESS of you not knowing everything is "real dreams" and LiliLuci using this to their full advantage to ask and find out anything about you because basically to them, they think you're just being boggled down and negatively influences by modern human society and you're like an onion they have to peel some layers off of first to expose those juicy inner tender bits

Just. Ok. Like. High level fantasy horror concept ok, here we go I'm gonna cook here:

It eventually does move on to you having dreams about living in an actual home with Lucifer and Lilith, sleeping with them in you know, All Those Ways, basically in what you think is some weird imaginary throuple that while you do find yourself enjoying it like actually, you can't wake up from it, and these dreams can feel WAY too long sometimes. You're dreaming of some, "am I a man dreaming I am a butterfly or am I a butterfly dreaming i am a man" shit where you hit the pillow in Hell and Dream You is waking up, seeing your husband and wife get ready for work and you're basically a pampered stay at home spouse. I honestly can't decide what dynamic would be cuter: both of them having jobs, you and Lilith having jobs while Lucifer is the house husband, only Lilith having a job while you and Lucifer do dumb shit at home, or Lucifer being big daddy and bringing home all the money while you and Lilith lounge by the pool and she takes you to the spa and pampers you all day and is sending texts and photos of how cute you are to her husband while he's working

You're probably thinking "wait but weeb this is actually kind of cute, where is the horror" and for starters it just kind of, mentally wears your energy down over time to 'never shut your brain off' and have true rest, like Lilith and Lucifer intentionally 'trade' you being alert in reality to you being more conscious in the dream world, so, you're not as present when you're around ACTUAL people as you are when you're in their little, fucked up pocket dimension.

Then you've got. The baby. You're pregnant ONLY in the dream. You have THE ACTUAL PAINFUL EXPERIENCE of giving birth, BUT THEN you're waking up and you can't hold your child, show them to your friends, have the, SANITY AND COMFORT OF KNOWING YOU ACTUALLY HAVE ONE. You're waking up DEVASTATED. Where's your baby? 🥺 oh right.... They're not... actually real... like it fucks you up psychologically

I just picture, if I were to put it in an order of events. You go from 1. Lilith and Lucifer are just your casual acquaintances, Charlie's parents that you know through her 2. They start getting closer to you as you stay longer at the Hotel 3. Ok we get along and have fun moments and even sing songs and we have fun times with your daughter ^^ 4. Ok you're getting maybe a little comfortable, am I tripping or are you a little too comfortable 5. You're Bush Out in Fake Eden 6. You accidentally slip up and get more cozy with them in reality because Ok Maybe The Stupid Garden Bullshit IS Fun And Maybe A Little Soul Healing 🙄 7. You're getting banged in the Garden 8. Being in reality is awkward now, suddenly you're avoiding them less, so you're dreaming about them more, having them push themselves closer to you in response to you trying to pull away, like even if you're spending entire days outside of the Hotel you can't escape needing to sleep eventually 9. Suddenly you're like, not in Eden, you're in a hospital getting an ultrasound w Lili Luci holding your hands as a doctor tells the three of you you're pregnant and oh no you're actually really happy and excited about it 🥺 10. crushing crushing reality. You're single and not pregnant and you're beating yourself up for these fucked up dreams you're blaming yourself for having, as if they're some self conscious desire and you're kinkshaming yourself for having them 11. Dream You is having your baby, everyone is so happy like it's actually so perfect, even when you're stressed as a first time parent you have so much love and support to keep you strong 12. You wake up and it's nothing but DEPRESSION DEPRESSION DEPRESSION where is my baby and my wife and my husband who love me and I love them DEPRESSION DEPRESSION DEPRESSION 13. Lilith and Lucifer HAVE TO to spill that Hey Our Baby Is Real because you're like going near insane with "grief" like youre like actually wanting to try and end your life or constantly self harming because Where Is MY CHILD 14. You're so fucked up at this point you don't care to ask questions when they hand your Very Much Real Baby to you looking exactly how you remember them from your dreams. You're just happy your baby is real and now you can be with them all of the time and you don't even care that um This Was Such A Fucking Ethically Dubious Conception.

Do you think the other Hotel residents would have a sliding scale of being ok with this. Like you just SHOW UP WITH THIS LITTLE BLONDE BABY IN YOUR ARMS and Lilith and Lucifer are all but glued to you and they're all fucking confused because WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??? you barely even spend time with these two, or so they thought??? When were you PREGNANT??? HOW??? I feel like realistically if they aren't all, you know, as Equally Crazy For You, that they would find this extremely manipulative and fucked up MEANWHILE CHARLIE DOESNT CARE and may have been in on it.

Also "something something what if Reader being able to get pregnant also turned out to be like God Himself being like 'hey lucifer lilith here's the deal I'm throwing you a bone right now, ok, this is for you, to keep things chill between us mk' and there are added layers of Oh Shit You Were Created To Be With Them" as if your ass wouldn't have an impossible enough time escaping as is 😭💀

But like... the concept of Reader falling so deep into "grief" that it gets so bad that you're basically not eating or sleeping, Lucirer and Lilith were always gonna tell you but they're forced to do it abruptly because you just breakdown and can't stop crying. Or it's even Charlie disobeying her parents and running up to you with your baby who stops crying the moment they're in your arms

I also just... as a final note..... just as a cute palette cleanser there's one specific idea I keep thinking of... you have your new baby and you're showing it to all your Hotel buddies and you give it to Alastor to hold because your baby was giggling and gurgling at him and you're just, death grip on his shoulder, "alastor please hold my child :) they're excited go meet you, say hi" and while you're like, vaguely threatening him to interact with this baby which he has Extremely Valid Reasons To Find Abhorrent, his deer ears move or twitch, and your baby is just looking up at him with their big eyes, watching those ears twitch, and, poof! Your baby has their first Lucifer/Lilith related shape-shifting incident and suddenly your baby has twitching little red ears and they're looking up at Alastor with these big cute eyes and here you are, "alastor :) aren't you going to praise my baby :) they just had their very first shift and it's for you :) tell them what a good job they did :) you're not trying to make my baby uncomfortable are you :)" and. Ok Maybe this does win Alastor over a bit being the narcissist that he is BUT THE TRUE REWARD is Lucifer scrambling into the room after you call out in excitement, dropping to his knees and all but wailing, "NO, WHY IS MY BABY HAVING THEIR FIRST SHIFT FOR Y O U AND I MISSED IT" and you just have Alastor being an ABSOLUTE SHIT, suddenly oh so cozy with your baby, "well talent recognizes talent! This little one clearly has potential! Why, look at how clearly they ALREADY ADORE THEIR DEAR UNCLE ALASTOR >:)" and from then on you can't leave these two men alone with your baby or they'll be having nonstop contests to "win them over" and prove who the best role model/caretaker is

Ok. Lastly. Lastly lastly lastly. THIS BABY SPECIFICALLY IS RUINING MY LIFE. Look at those STUPID CHUBBY cheeks and those big eyes and how attentive and focused she is like oh my godddddddd if LiliLuci handed one of those to me "this is yours" i would just die like 🥺🥺🥺 man, I'll have to tell you guys later about my idea for "Reader wants to see if Rosie will let them adopt a Hellborn baby and Alastor helps vouch for you and lowkey becomes your husband/the child's second parent" or "Reader finds an abandoned imp baby and all the shenanigans/protective possessive feelings from your yandere/s that follow once you begin your motherhood journey "

[thatonesystemig]

Hahhahah

Tw: suicidal ideation

Do not attempt to help me after you read this.

In about a year or so I'm going if I don't pussy out.

Been planning this on and off for awhile. I can't handle the trauma on top of my mental and physical issues torturing me.

I am weak.

I am tired of living for everyone else. I am aware people will miss me.

Anyone reading this can tell my family. I can get committed to a psych ward a million times or whatever for posting this which is probably what's going to happen. Already been confronted by my family about this tonight.

I'm probably going to live anyways because every fucking attempt I've had, no matter how much they were guaranteed to kill me, I survived.

Also like I said. I'm wishy washy and also weak. Probably too fucking weak to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but I want to at least try.

I don't even have a gun so I'm going to take the steps required to get one.

I also plan on getting a DNR and a will notarized to ensure the job is done.

I have a million reasons to live. That isn't the problem.

I have many, many more reasons to die.

I'm tired of living like this.

They win. My exes win. Everyone who's ever hurt me and wants me to die wins.

I'm tired of being tortured by my trauma. Having constant flashbacks.

I'm terrified to fucking sleep because I see them in my dreams every time I do.

I'm terrified to go outside because I'm afraid of seeing them or something that reminds me of them.

I can't vent to anyone about this because they'll want to help me and while it's nice to know people care I'm tired of my demons fucking haunting me.

I feel like a prisoner in my head.

My mental health and physical health has been progressively getting worse and just. I can't fucking live like this anymore.

They win. They get what they want.

Maybe I'll see Sadie and Ezra again, however I doubt it. Im definitely going to hell lmao.

But it's okay I'm just doing this for attention or whatever. How I feel doesn't fucking matter. Everyone has it worse than me, my problems are fucking nothing, I just need to keep pretending everything's okay until I do it.

It'll happen when everyone least expects it.

Is it bad the only time I feel at peace with myself is when I think about death? and the certainty it's going to happen?

I fantasize about it much more than I'd like to admit, much more than I have in the past.

People are trying so hard to save me. I get everyone loves me and what not. And I know I'll hurt everyone when I do this.

My life has been nothing but a constant kick to the balls.

Everyone keeps telling me to just hold on, it's going to get better. And while it is outside of my body, while I have a huge family and a loving husband that cares about me, im tired of being tortured by my head.

"Oh we can't lose you. We care so much about you." They say.

But I've hardly made an impact. I've been here for a year. How can one person make so much of an impact in a short time.

All I am is an extra mouth to feed since I can't fucking work due to my issues. Were already struggling, it'd be a lot better if I wasn't here.

Lord knows i mooch of my grandparents and mom enough to get by, and friends only buy art from me out of pity.

Idk I'm probably not gonna do it im just rambling because I never end up doing it because I always pussy out. Or I do do it and I end up fucking living and having to be committed to the psych ward for a week.

All I know is i need to hold on until after Jan 1st when my life insurance kicks in.

If I don't do a good enough job of making it look like an accident and they pass it off as a suicide, then in my will ill ensure my family gets the large inheritance my grandparents were going to leave me when they died.

Anyways don't worry I probably won't do it like i said, im probably just doing this for attention or I'll pussy tf out or idfk. I constantly change my mind on shit like this lmao.

[redpool]

Liveblog of the Teen Wolf: The Movie

Yeah that a great place to store the most powerful enemy you've ever had

That was the whitest Japanese I've ever heard

Who the fuck are you

Ok darth vader, chill out

This is the worst thing I have ever watched

Oh my god

No

Just no

Jesus

Dude, what the fuck?

Swearing??

I hate it here

Still don't like her

ELI!!!!

Jordan?? Why are you still here?

Mason's a cop now? Why.

DEREK IS A OFFICALLY A DILF

Dude, that was so unnecessary

Dude, that was so unnecessary pt 2

And you're holding hands why?

That was not a two person job

I hate you all

Exactly, why are you here?

Why are you explaining what the nemeton is? We already know????

Eli, that was unnecessary

Derek seems like the best dad

He's a shithead

And a smartass

And also a dumbass

Is it just me or is the a ting really bad?

Oh God, I know what's about to happen.

I'm not mentally prepared for what's about to happen

I dont want to see Ryan's ass

I have been subjected to so many naked bodies over the past week, I'm over it.

EW

I HATE IT HERE

WHERE DID THE RELATIONSHIP COME FROM???

THEYVE NEVER EVEN SAID TWO WORDS TO EACHOTHER

Awww, he's trying to be a good dad

Can you put your pants on please

Does this relationship actually bring anything to the plot?

*eyeroll*

Jesus christ

Why are they acting like they've never been there before??

Seriously, why.

Um ok riddler calm down

Oh, never mind

Have you just learnt to swear??

Umm??

Bonding moment?

Are we not going to talk about that???

Yeah, Eli and Derek are the only good thing about this movie.

What the fuck

Have I mentioned that I hate it here?

Umm

Wow, they really are using that r rating to the fullest, huh.

Why is she naked.

She didn't die naked, so why is she naked?

Umm

Oh

COACH!!!!!

Why am I doing this to myself

Best scene in that whole movie

The lip filler on this one

Why are her nails painted and done perfectly??

Are you kidding me?

You're going to tell me that Allison, who just came back from the dead, can beat a werecoyote, two police officers AND a true alpha?

Um ew

Dramatic ass

Ok bro, you are over acting rn

What the actual fuck

Why are you walking like that?

Mother?

Liar liar

Lol

Oh my god

Jesus

She went straight for the head

What

You're going to sit there and tell me that a human woman is stronger than a at full health werewolf?

Kitsune really said 🧍🏻‍♀️

Just heal? Why aren't you healing?

'Yeah, but I'm a good demon.' yeah bby you are

BOO BITCH

WHY HAVE YOU NOT HEALED?

I've witnessed the Derek Hale take worse hits then that and walk around like its nothing.

Ok, that was pretty cool.

Why are they taking out normal humans?

PETER

You've been spending too much time with cowboys

Jesus christ.

You two just need to kiss already

No, it's Kira. You need Kira. You don't need Lydia, you need Kira.

What in the CGI fuck was that

I seriously hate it here.

I really dont give a shit

Lady, you dont even know this child.

Her quiver was literally just empty.

Oh my god

*deep sigh*

Are Tyler Hoechlin and Ian Bohen the only actor that continued a ting after Teen Wolf ended?

You're such a shit-stirrer Peter

It should have been you, instead of Brett & Lori.

Oop, she ded

Oh, they got dusted.

Why did I just gasp?

Oh ok, just throw him down the stairs why don't you.

Oh my god

NOW SPARTA KICK HIM

Are you an idiot?

That was so unnecessary pt 3

Yeah like I cant fucking see the puddle of blood sitting right there.

I'm so uncomfortable

How has the acting gotten worse?

You guys are fully grown werewolves, it's a piece of fucking rope.

I didn't care about your relationship then and I still don't now.

It's the fucking teacher isn't it.

I miss Brett so much. Isaac too.

You're getting to Joker rn dude.

PROTECTIVE DAD DEREK

How has the eye cgi gotten worse?

Called it

That's so sad

Has everyone in this movie just forgotten how to act?

Yeah, I really dont care.

Yeah, that's not how it works bruh

See, should have recruited Peter ages ago.

YOU STUPID BITCH

HE BETTER BE OK, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

Missed you Jords

How tf would you know?

Do the roar

Holy fuck

Fully body goosebumps rn

Oh shit

Oof

Umm what?

He's a unicorn

Bout fucking time

That was so fucking cool

Ew, no.

Jesus fucking christ

I see some Johnny Cage in you Sheriff.

Umm ew

You look like a really fucked up seal

Please shift back. Your wolf faces are really ugly.

Jordan, can you please do something.

'You can't catch me! I'm the ginger bread man.'

Gets worse everytime.

Headbutt

Jords, had him just fine. Derek didn't have to sacrifice himself.

Unnecessary death so it doesn't count.

What is with the writers and burning the Hales.

AND IN FRONT OF HIS CHILD AND PERVIOUSLY BURNT UNCLE????

Bullshit

That didn't happen. Derek is fine.

Get out of my fucking house.

Ew

That didn't happen either.

I fucking hate you.

You're full on making me cry rn.

Pretty sure Derek was the first teen wolf character I ever liked, this hits deep.

Oh honey

No.

You seriously think that Peter and Cora would let Allison and Scott raise that child?

Ew, stop.

Have fun in hell bitch.

Am I supposed to know who that is?

Eli, what the fuck are you doing?

[thisismycorneroftheinternet]

Fucking how tf am I supposed to not feel like shit and always anxious if shit never fucking improves?? I am not that fucking self-deluded to fool myself into thinking this is still a good situation somehow. Yeah sure, there's always deeper in the hole, thank fuck I am not literally digging through the trash for bones to get some protein in my meals like the poor in this city that got featured in that grotesque, horror circus-style magazine story I remember reading about in the pandemic, but that sort of thought does not make life any easier when you're still having to rely on free food that takes you a total of 2h to get, per meal, and now donations from your sister's fiancee to get by the month.

And then yet I have to deal with my sister fucking throwing a hissy fit at any time I fucking complain about (1) thing, but also debase any fucking medical help I'm trying to get because apparently according to her, I'm not that bad off and should suck it the fuck up and "learn to manage (my) own stress better" while being completely unhelpful on that front besides telling me to meditate, which doesn't fucking solve shit??? And then she also gets mad when I have to whine and cry to our mother to not let her try to cut off our little assistance, because apparently that's begging and I should not be begging I should be demanding, when our parents are literally sinking into debt more and more and our mother can barely afford to pay the taxes for her freelance job??

Like, I'm going to fucking walk in on Tuesday to the health clinic, and update them on my deteriorating mental health, and it's going to fucking be the same fucking old adage of "you should exercise for your anxiety, you should learn to organize yourself better, you should manage your ADHD without meds, you should stress less" which is so fucking unhelpful as well. Platitudes like that I already get from the fucking web as well, Instagram loves to fucking show me WellnessTM posts on the greatness of exercise and being thankful for life, why am I fucking taking hours of my day every other month to hear that as well from people I was trying to seek some sort of further help??

And like, in general, I feel like I am going circles, and nothing ever gets better, only worser and worser, and like, I am really grateful for my sister's fiancee's kindness, but like, I've been the entire month trying to not get to this. Yes, because it's humiliating, yes I'm fucking prideful and I feel like I am an able enough adult that I should not need to depend on others' kindness to eat! But also because like, I am able enough to work, I have all sorts of skills, and I am more than fucking willing to do whatever it takes, but no one wants me regardless. And worse, it's pointless to seek a full-on job because university fucking gets in the way of everything, because I fucking switched to day classes because of my family's insistence, because I entered university in night classes originally and that offended them enough that they bothered me about it, and now I'm paying the price.

And then I talk to my one university friend, and she's like "yeah I'm struggling as well" and I try to commiserate with her, because that's what one does, it's like, I realize I'm struggling way more with way less than her. Yes, sure, she had to drop university twice, but also, she's doing 40h a week of classes, and undergrad research, and was sleeping like, 4h a night. No fucking wonder she snapped twice. Meanwhile I can barely get above 14h of credit/hours without flunking something, and even when I pass it's barely scraping by. How come she's being more seriously contemplated for ADHD and anxiety and all than I am?? I guess it's because I have to rely on the free clinic, while she's on her military daddy's insurance plan. God, I don't want to resent her, but I came so close to snapping at her in the group chat when she told me that she's struggling because she can barely sleep, and sure she's seeing stuff like I used to when I slept little, but she "just ignores it and it's fine!" while I used to be terrified I'd get killed by the fucking Balloon Boy from FNAF and shadow demons when I underslept.

God, fucking hell, I swear to fucking god, I am trying so fucking hard to act normal and be normal and not be a fucking mess but even that's hard and worsening my anxiety. And yet I don't get any help that sticks.

[shootyourse1f]

This is just a stupid vent since I don't wanna post this crap on my main.

My friend is annoying the FUCK out of me dude it's not even funny anymore it's so hard being nice to that bitch every single moment we talk feels like HELL because all she does is call me fucking slurs and tell me to kms like hello?? Who tf do YOU think you are?? Yeah, yeah, I'm probably sensitive af for this, but who tf tells/says to a person who deals with suicidal thoughts (pretty openly) to KILL THEMSELVES EVERY 5 FUCKING SECONDS OF EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY. Besides, it's just so annoying and repetitive, and I'm getting to the point where I wanna lash out at her and block her to give her a taste of her own stupid medicine. Constantly saying she'll block me for dumb crap?? Then do it!! But wait, she probably knows nobody in this world is gonna put up with everything and be supportive AND not complain.

And she goes ON AND ON ABOUT HOW ME LIKING ERIC HARRIS IS BAD LIKE OMG NO SHIT? ARE YOU STUPID. She says the most obvious crap in the world and asks as if I don't know it already. God forbid I make ONE STUPID AND CORNY JOKE ABOUT ERIC AND SHE'LL BE ALL UP ON MY ASS FOR IT BUT THEN SHE SAYS THE SAME SHIT ABOUT THIS GUY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON AND THEN ITS FINE?? like I don't say shit to her when she starts going on and on and on about this guy but I make the smallest remark/comment about eric and oh my lordddd

And she texts me NONE FUCKING STOP EVEN THOUGH I'VE TOLD HER 3 TIMES IN THE SAME WEEK THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING GOOD MENTALLY FOR WEEKS. LIKE OH MY GOSH SHUT UP. And jesus I can't repost SHIT on my main tiktok acc bc then she'll be all up in my dms saying how she knows I'm awake and how I'm ignoring her like YEAH?? take the hint dude. And I've told her countless times in the past that if I'm not in the mood to TALK, I won't reply until I feel better. It feels as if she doesn't listen, like when am I gonna get it through her head??

And she calls me crap like faggot, fattie and the n word when trying to get me to respond like bro just fucking stop. I've expressed to her time and time again that I don't like being called a literal fucking slur (the n word) and that it makes me uncomfortable but once again GOD FORBID SHE EVER LISTENS BC AT THE TIME SHE KEPT ASKING IF I WAS NOW OKAY WITH IT AFTER I TOLD HER LIKE WTF??? NO BRO IM NOT. BUT GOSH SHE ASKED SO MUCH I JUST ENDED UP SAYING YES BC SHE WOULDNT STOP.

And gosh, I can't talk about my literal BESTFRIEND without her calling him a slur and saying I should just forget about him??? Like who tf are YOU to tell me to forget abt him. And it stresses me out since she constantly asks if I consider her better than him yet, and it's just like, dude?? I've known him for way longer. I've only known her for a year, so....but she wants ME to consider her MY best friend when she doesn't consider me one and talks shit about me WITH her real best friend wtf.

And she quite literally forced me to do a face reveal and kept begging. She used the excuse that she revealed hers, so I should do the same when I never even asked her to reveal it?? Why tf should I when it was a YOU decision to do it.

I swear to GOD, though that she makes me wanna turn like eric and commit a fucking crime dude and yeah this is an overreaction since I shouldn't kill anybody over someone bothering me but Jesus I already have so much anger over a lot of crap and she doesn't help. I try and be as nice as I can be, but wtf is the point if she's still such a bitch and atp I'm so done with it all bro.

She makes me so filled with rage and hate along with most other people (this part might seem edgy but bear with me guys) to the point I genuinely wanna do some of the worst shit known to man. I won't ever act on any of these feelings (I hope), but I don't know how much longer I can deal with any of this bullshit anymore it's getting to the point where I wanna delete and block basically everyone ik.

This is all getting too long, so I'll end it here, but I'll make another vent probably later on since I'm still pissed off by a lot of crap but it's all to much for one post.

[katierosefun]

everyone pray that i can work for 6 hours straight at the hostess stand by myself with zero breaks for 3 days in a row 

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here friend, indulging in some very unscientific inductive reasoning. Remember when I told you once I could judge a 911 episode by the gif to text ratio on your blog? Turns out that's true for the RNM fandom in general. Granted it's evened out now as people let the rage pass, and the blessed gif makers have managed to gift us those 3 beautiful Malex moments mostly free of a certain someone (still nothing compared to the previous 2 episodes where the Malex scenes came out at the speed

of a mouse click, even with the blue filter from hell) but the walls of text were up in force last night, and with good reason it seems. Its not hard to believe, it's not even the first episode THIS season where they told us it would be a Malex episode but it was about everyone else and had M*ria shoved in between them, but what nice insult to the fans on the way out. So I haven't given my unnecessary spoiler free episode review since I haven't watched it yet, and I confess I might just, not do that. I'm having such a hard time working up the will knowing that this time, the disappointment will last, there's no chance the show will redeem itself (not that there ever really was). So I could take those 3 scenes and the knowledge Malex got married, danced, then got the fuck out of town or subject myself to the visual proof that my most despised character was shoved into every second of it. The gnawing incompleteness would bug me though. 😔😔😔

Okay but bestie I feel exactly the same way! I woke up this morning with the intent to watch after work but by the time I got off I knew I wasn’t going to bother today, I just do not have the mental ability to deal with that right now. I have also seriously considered just...not watching it at all since the only spoilers I’m avoiding really are looking directly at the Malex gifs because I want to watch the episode first and I could just cave and look at them. But I did not suffer this entire goddamn time, and make it through watching THAT episode, just to give up now. But it’s soooo hard knowing that not only is it yet another episode of the m*ria d*luca show (WHOMST tells the groom they’re happy the groom’s brother isn’t coming to the wedding because it would be awkward?! STFU it’s not about you!!), but also that Echo end the series, not going to the ocean together, not even going to the ALIEN ocean together, but separating. The writers shafted Echo this season HARD, and while a reconciliation wouldn’t have been earned by the writing, Jeanine and Nathan could have pulled it off I think. No wonder she didn’t give us a “Malex mirror of an Echo scene” pic. Yeesh. I was rooting for them because I do not do bittersweet endings. Fuck that. The world is too cruel for me to want my media to be too.

All this to say, I will probably force myself into watching the episode later this week for the sense of completion and to get my final episode post out and then I will probably be shifting back into 911 mode for a while. I am thrilled Malex got TF out of town (and that Alex apparently isn’t dying anymore, not that we get to find that out or see anything about it because GOD FORBID anything be about Alex and not just how his existence affects others 🙄) and I choose to believe they never come back except to use the portal to go to Oasis at some point to have their alien babies Tyler and Vlamis so desperately want. I’m thrilled with my many, many more dollars than I should have spent merch haul to remind me of the things that sparked joy. I loved seeing Lily talking to Vlamis (teary eyed), Trevino (flirty), and Amber (they said Rosabel rights!), and I adored the Vlambase photoshoot of domestic Malex bliss. I’m gonna focus on those things to get me through this last dive into the tunnel the writers dung under the bar we had already put in the earth. And maybe then we can talk about a wedding song since we have been robbed of a handprint healing angsty song. But take your time! I’ll sure as heck be taking mine. Cheers bestie!

[amane-by-together]

Hanafuda || Amane Yugi

(Part 2 of 10)

genre: fluff, school, slice of life, modern au (where all wonders live)

warnings: cursing, grocery puns

summary: amane yugi spends his school days skipping classes until he meets [name] [surname], a student from the other class, who was also skipping classes and eventually the two of them formed a platonic friendship. cutting classes and playing hanafuda together strengthens their friendship but soon unexpected feelings blossom between the two.

[name], for the first time in weeks, finally decided to take just one class for the sake of her attendance. In Amane's case, he almost forgot where he was seated but thankfully he remembered that he sat behind Yashiro Nene.

“Why the hell do I have to go to class, cheese and fucking fries.” [name] grumbled under her breath. “Just one whole class for this day and the rest I'll skip,”

“[surname]-san!” [name] frowned at her guy classmate (or does she even remember him) who was standing in front of the entrance blocking her way. “It's a rare thing for you to come to class.”

“Mind your fucking business you person I don't bother to remember.” [name] wore a distasteful expression to the guy so that he will know that she ain't interested in playing with him. “First thing in the morning and I'm already pissed as hell.”

[name] lazily made her way to her designated desk and sits down. Everyone stared at [name], who was currently confused why they had their eyes on her. She suddenly became uncomfortable. “What?” she said in a cold tone. “The fuck are you all looking at?”

In fear, everyone turned their heads back and continued what they were doing. [name] rolled her eyes, she didn't have any time to deal with their shit.

‘I'm gonna go out after lunch, I hope Amane-kun was there, otherwise it'll be lonely...’ [name] rests her cheek on top of her palm, looking at the board with an unamused expression. ‘I've been hanging out too much with Amane-kun, if only we're both classmates—’

“[surname]-san.” [name]'s thoughts were interrupted by her teacher's voice. She tilted her head waiting for another word. “Someone wanted to see you.”

‘Who tf—?’ The annoyed female stood up from her chair, she let out a small sigh. Who would want to see [name] in the middle of the class? Well maybe that someone would return something to her, the thing is, she didn't lent anything amongst the hundreds of students in the school. Then, who could it be?

“Sir, may I ask who?”

“Yugi from Class A.”

[name] blinked. “P-pardon?”

“He wants to give you something.” [name] swore she saw the teacher smirk at her. The whole class looked at [name] again but this time they were mentally teasing her.

Tsukasa's eyes widened in pure shock, he glanced over to [name] and smiled brightly. “[name]-chi is Amane's girlfriend?”

And soon everyone started to fangirl loudly. [name] facepalmed really hard muttering “Shut the fuck up.” under her breath multiple times. Her ears started to burn because of embarrassment. “You all must be mistaken.” she chuckled nervously. “We're not dating.”

“Hmm, then explain why I always saw you two together during lunch?” Tsukasa asked with a teasing glint in his eyes. [name]'s eye twitched in annoyance now that the younger twin seems to be supporting the idea of she and Amane being together.

“Uh, can I go now?” [name] pointed at the door wincing to escape the situation. “I can't let him wait that long.” She walked out of the classroom and saw Amane waiting for her outside with his hands on his back. Was he hiding something?

“Amane-kun.” The said boy had his head perked up to her direction, [name] went over to him and shot her hand up. “Yo.”

“Why is everyone staring at us?” Amane pointed at his finger towards the group of classmates peeking over to the two teens.

“Don't mind them.” [name] swats her hand. “Anyways, why did you call me?”

Amane gave her a small paper bag. [name] blinked twice and gently grabbed the bag. “What's this?”

The choppy haired boy's cheeks turned red and started talking in pout while looking away. “It's a bracelet...” he murmured. “They're matching bracelets, I'm currently wearing mine.”

“You bought this for me?” [name] resisted the urge to hug Amane, if only her classmates weren't watching her. She smiled, pink dusted upon her cheeks. “Thanks Amane-kun.”

“I-It's no big deal, really, but I'm glad you like it.” Amane sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while grinning.

[name] placed her hand on his shoulder, stood on the tips of her toes slightly and whispered something on his ear. “By the way do you want to skip classes after lunch?”

“I kinda plan to do that so I guess it's a yes.” Amane whispered back at her.

“Yeah, we're definitely skipping again.”

The two of them broke down in a fit of giggles as they pulled away from each other. “Hey [name], do you have plans later?” he asked.

“Not really, why'd you ask?”

Amane's cheeks started to burn again, he gained a little confidence and looked at [name] in a flustered state. “Well, why don't we go somewhere else after school? Just the two of us?”

“Of course.” [name] answered. Amane let out a sigh of relief and smiled back at his female friend.

“I gotta go back to class.” Amane patted her shoulder before dashing off towards his classroom. “I'll see you later!”

“You too,” [name] had her hand slightly raised up. She let out a small chuckle and looked at the paper bag. “Amane-kun, you really are a wonder...”

She quickly switched back to her aloofness and glared at her classmates. “The fuck are you all looking at?” she asked as her classmates hurriedly went over to their desks. “Honestly, when will they learn not to meddle in a private conversation.” she murmured right before she entered the classroom

“I don't fucking get this projectile motion.” [name] was in a state of existential crisis remembering the physics lesson that they tackled during class. “Did I really skip that much?”

“In my case I only understood Earth and Life Sciences.” Amane changed his school shoes and placed them inside his shoe locker. [name] waited for him, placing her hand on her waist and whistled a little bit. After that the two of them started to walk next to each other. “[name]-san, did you notice that everyone was staring at you?”

“You didn't think it was you who they were staring at?” [name] scratched her head, her silver bracelet was twinkling against the sunset.

“Nope.” Amane answered. “It's definitely you, must be because you're pretty.”

[name] lets out a weird sound of disbelief and shock. Amane stopped on to his tracks as he realized what he had said. “I-I mean, yeah you are pretty, n-not gonna lie t-though.” he stuttered with a blush forming on his visuals.

“S-sorry.” It was [name]'s turn to blush, she looked down on her feet as her bangs were covering her eyes. “I-It's just no o-one h-has ever called me p-pretty before.”

“I-I always f-find you pretty so...” Amane can feel his whole face burning like embers. The two of them made eye contact and it felt like time had stopped between them. “If you like, I'll gladly call you pretty everyday...”

“Amane...” [name] covered her whole face to muffle her words. She felt so flustered and she didn't know what to do. Amane averted his gaze from her and blushed. “Screw you—”

“I'm sorry but I'm not lying.” Amane cleared his throat, an evident blush was still on his cheeks. “Let's go to the mall, do you want to eat some donuts?”

“Yeah dude!” [name] tries to lighten up the mood so that it wouldn't be awkward anymore. To be fair, Amane was on the attractive side in her opinion, she doesn't really find herself pretty but people have different perspectives anyways.

[name] wouldn't deny it though, Amane has nice visuals and...hands, they looked really soft and warm, she sometimes imagine what would it be like if they held hands. Other than that, he is an affectionate and sweet, then he turns into a sadist and a tease sometimes. “I never got to ask you this [name]-san but are you going out with someone?”

“I never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.” [name] replied. “No one really confesses to me at some point so basically I'm single, must be nice having one though..” she mumbles the last part.

“I guess everyone must be blind...” Amane muttered to himself before walking ahead, leaving [name] clueless, and then she catched up next to the choppy haired boy.

“Amane-kun, I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna buy some groceries along the way.” [name] puts her hands behind her back. “After that, we can get some donuts and roam around.”

“Sounds like a great idea.” Amane reluctantly agrees with her. [name] wrapped an arm around his shoulders and grinned as he uttered an 'oof' from his lips.

“I love your gift by the way.” [name] raised her wrist in front of Amane to show her that she's wearing the bracelet. Her eyes widened in joy and pointed out the matching bracelet around his wrist. “And we're matching~!”

But then [name] flicked his forehead. “Ow!” Amane held his forehead while slightly whimpering. “That hurts.” he pouted. [name] let out a plfft sound from her lips, she reached over to rub his throbbing forehead.

“That's for excusing me out of class and my classmates started to tease me that you're my boyfriend.” she chuckled, then she switches to an annoyed tone. “Then your brother called me Nee-san just to tease me.”

Amane stifled a laugh. [name] puffed her cheeks at him angrily. “Oi! It's not that funny!” she harrumphed. She looked like an angry pouting mochi rather than an angry person.

“Hmm~?” Amane cheekily smirks at the latter, he leaned next to her to continue teasing her. “Nee-san~?”

“Don't call me Nee-san you idiot!” An irk mark appears on the side of [name]'s forehead as she reached over to pinch his cheek. “Honestly, you're such a tease.”

“Only for you~” Amane ruffles her hair making it messier than it is. [name] sighed asking how the hell did she end up being friends with Amane who is one hell of a tease.

After a few minutes of teasing and cheek pinching, the two teens arrived at the mall. [name] and Amane went to get some groceries first. “All of these bananas but you can't even notice my peelings.” [name] faked a sniff while putting the bunch of bananas inside the basket that Amane was holding.

“I don't understand why you needed six cans of sprite, can't you buy 7up instead?” [name] silently wheezed as she smacked his shoulder, earning a laugh from Amane.

“Shut up, I don't have—thyme for that.” [name] puts some spices inside the basket. She grabbed some bread from the bread aisle. “I also knead bread too.”

“I also have a grocery joke but aisle tell it later.” Amane added while laughing. [name] bursted out giggling, clutching on to her stomach. “Okay we better stop, the old couple beside us were giving looks of suspicion.”

“O-kale then.” [name] and Amane entered one of the aisles. “Grate minds think alike.”

“Do you live alone [name]?” Amane asked all of a sudden. He doesn't know any much about [name]'s family or background, heck, he doesn't even know if she had siblings.

“I live with Yako-neesan and my little brother.” [name] places some products inside the basket. “Why?”

“Just asking.”

“You seem curious about my family background.” [name] laughs softly while putting two carton of milk in the basket. “My parents are both abroad, my little brother and I lived in Yako-neesan's apartment, which is our cousin.”

“You're an older sibling?”

“Well yeah,” [name] beckoned Amane to follow her to the next aisle. “Maybe you can come over and play with him, he doesn't mind talking to older guys.”

“Did I mention that he wanted to meet you though?” [name] tilted her head towards his direction with a pack of strawberries on her hand. “You two will definitely get along.”

“What was Tsukasa like in class if I may ask?” Amane asked again, sure, even though the younger twin has a life of his own, he can't help but to be concerned with him.

“How the fuck should I know?” [name] raised her eyebrows and tossed the pack of strawberries in the basket. “I skipped a lot of classes so I didn't really pay attention to Tsukasa-kun.”

“It's like you skipped a lot than I did.” Amane sheepishly chuckles but he deadpanned afterwards. “But I can't get a damn thing about Maths.”

“I think we crossed the whole list.” [name] tells Amane with a thumbs up. The two of them went to the lane with few people. [name] whipped out her wallet when it was her turn to check in. “Omigod. Do I really have to carry them all?”

“I could help you carry them.” Amane suggests. [name]'s heart suddenly skipped a beat, she nodded slowly meaning that she needed his help to carry them.

“There sure were a lot of people in the donut shop.” [name] sighed in a low spirited tone while holding the paper bag filled with donuts. Currently, Amane and [name] were eating donuts with their backs against the wall. “Here's yours Amane-kun.”

Amane took a bite of the plain donut and started munching on it. They were freshly cooked so that's why it tasted good. “So [name], are you going to class tomorrow?”

“I was gonna plan to attend one whole class in one week.” [name] answers while eating her cream-filled donut. Truth to be told, she didn't feel guilty about skipping classes, it was only her escape from pressure and stress in school. “How about you?”

“I guess I'll skip tomorrow.” Amane took out a piece of his donut and showed it to [name]. “Want some?”

“Sure. Thanks.” [name] opened her mouth waiting for Amane to plop the piece of donut inside her mouth. He blushed at the thought of his fingers might brush against her lips. Amane plopped the bite inside her mouth which [name] ate it gratefully. “Here have some of mine in exchange.” she says while handing him the donut.

Amane takes a bite of the cream-filled donut. He glanced over to [name] and saw that there's a bit of cream near her lips. “Hold on,” he pointed at her face. “Um, you got some cream on the side of your lips.”

“Huh? Here?” [name] pointed at her face. Amane shakes his head since she can't see where he was pointing. He sighed and reached over to wipe the cream off her lips using his thumb and quickly licked it.

Amane smirked slyly at her. “The cream does taste good.” he said in a playful way. [name]'s face grew red at the sudden action that he did, he decided to tease her a little bit so he moved his face closer to hers. “You seem a little flustered~ hmm~?”

[name] leaned back and averted her gaze from him. “Well, that looked like an indirect kiss.” she protested while pouting slightly. Amane let out a light chuckle and smiled.

“Sorry, I can't help but to tease because you're so cute.” He said with a slight smirk and he reached over to lightly pinch her cheek. “Your cheeks are red~”

“Ok, that's enough.” [name] pried his hand off her cheek and rubs it a little. Amane stares at her in a lovestruck awe, the way she blushes and pouts made him feel like he just wanna hold her protectively in his arms. “I finished my donut, let's get going now.”

The two of them got out of the mall. The skies were as pink overlayed with an orange color that the sun was setting. Amane stared at [name]'s hand, he blushed at the thought of hold it. “[name]-san...” he came to a halt.

“Yeah?” [name] said.

“Can...I...?” Amane looked down while mumbling incoherently. [name] tilted her head in confusion as he waits for him to speak. Amane must have looked like a strawberry right now. His eyes meet hers as he gains a bit of confidence. “C-Can I hold your hand?!” he asked with a hint of embarrassment.

[name]'s cheeks turned red at the sudden request. She stared at her own hand and then his hands, for some reason his hand looked warm. “T-that was a strange thing to ask, I'm sorry—” Amane swats his hand in denial.

“Sure...”

“I'm sorry, what?” Amane's eyes widened. [name] turned away from him and blushed intensely, he looks at her hand. “You don't mind right? Me holding your hand...?”

“Mhmm...” [name] brushes her hand against his so that Amane would know that it's okay to hold her hand. Amane laced their hands together, tenderly holding her hand. [name] can hear her heartbeat hammering inside her chest. “You really like being coddled, huh?”

‘Her hand feels soft.’ Amane looked at their hands linking with each other. ‘They fit so perfectly with mine...’

“Shall we continue?” Amane asked with a shy smile. [name] hummed in agreement as the choppy haired boy gripped on to her hand softly, grinning at the female. “Let's take you home then~”

The two teens started walking together hand in hand, feeling each others warmth till the tips of their very own fingers. Amane mumbled something under his breath.“I love you,”

“Eh?” [name] didn't quite hear what Amane just mumbled.

“I meant your hands!” Amane blushed that he accidentally slipped that out but thank god she didn't hear it. “I love your hands——They're really cute!”

“Well your hands are pretty much gorgeous than mine, you have long fingers...” [name] raised their intertwined hands together in front of Amane and smiled softly. “See, our hands pretty much fit together.”

“Yeah...” Amane smiled contently, hoping that this moment will never end. If [name] continues to act like this around him,

Then, he would most likely to fall for her even more.

-end of part 2-

thank you for reading, be sure to like and reblog if you love this part~!

taglist: @closetwaffle @closetweebsmh

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 24

I feel horrendous, yet I still have to write this stuff down, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'll forget abt most of it. On another note tho: how tf can I lack (emotional) permanence this badly? Like how is it even possible that yesterday I was 100 % sure about moving out of our shared flat and today I'm sitting here in my friend's apartment (alone) and am crying my eyes out bc I think it's a bad idea, bc I miss my boyfriend (or just human contact/cuddles/someone who can be there for me??idk) and bc I feel like I'm going full crazy.

*tw suicide* why did I f*cking cancel my last suicide attempt four years ago, I would've died if I hadn't gone to the hospital and I wouldn't have to endure this much more of all the pain and suffering and symptoms and conflict and fucking life.

So, yesterday was the last therapy session for this month bc my therapist is gone for 3 weeks (2 weeks of vacation, 1 week of further education). It was a lot better than last week, I could talk and think more clearly. We talked about the whole living-together or moving out thing, he asked what were things or topics that make it hard to live together, I started telling him everything, from the ordinary stuff such as me liking a tidy flat (especially a tidy kitchen and a clean floor etc), to the harder stuff, such as not feeling seen by him (like when I'm talking to him abt something that's important to me and he rarely looks me in the eyes and mostly looks on his phone and even doodles around with it while I'm still talking - even if he listens to me most of the time despite being on the mobile, this feels horrible. My therapist told me there is research on the topic of how we feel not seen or even ignored when there is a mobile just lying next to the human we're talking to, and how it gets worse when that human is holding it in their hand or even looking at it. To me that's crystal clear, my boyfriend didn't want to understand why someone might not like that when I told him about it), feeling misunderstood often, him often shooting down criticism, him being overwhelmed by how bad my mental health is etc up to the point of me feeling like my trust in him has been bruised (e.g. in moments when I didn't want to be touched, told him so and he ignored it bc he wanted a hug or sth?!) and feeling like we're far more apart emotionally than a year or more ago. We also talked about how my boyfriend still is some kind of support for me of course and some kind of stability in my life (my therapist made kind of a joke at that point about how my boyfriend gives me security by making me feel like I have to ask him if it's okay to buy this or that...yeah). And because I fear our relationship might get worse by moving out and might end soon, thinking about that security thing made me feel like I'm in free fall. This is not fun. Not. At. All. It's terrifying.

I also told him about the few hours last week where I felt like I had something as a gut feeling, and that feeling told me to try it. To move out. Because the way it is now it's already horrible enough - I'm currently living in the empty flat of a friend bc that friend is on vacation, and I feel so much more at peace when without my boyfriend around. I still feel horrible, depressed, confused, sometimes agitated, but way less strung and agitated and scared than when I'm back with my boyfriend (went to our shared flat two times this week, only for a few hours, but I got incredibly nervous nevertheless). Do you know about that saying that states that our noses are better than we give them credit for and that attraction also has a lot to do with scent? Well, last time I ended a relationship I couldn't stand the scent of my ex-girlfriend the last weeks before the breakup, I hated her scent and how her breath smelled etc, and I experience the exact same odour and hate and "eww" again now. I don't know if that's bullshit, but even if it is, I hate that scent. It gives me a super-ick. I like the German phrase for this: "Sich gegenseitig (nicht) riechen können".

The problem of feeling like I have no security in life, no social web to fall into whatsoever, can also make me spiral into suicidal thoughts really badly. I had a suicidal crisis of two days last week (and told my therapist about it) and am def thinking about it a lot today. But I'm trying really hard to not let this escalate, seems to work atm, almost didn't work anymore last week, so yeah, it's really not going great.

We've also talked about how I feel like I can't trust my perception and my feelings most of the time, I just thought maybe that's because these can change radically sometimes, but maybe it's the other way around, maybe they just change because I'm constantly doubting them and every other aspect of myself. Well, at least it seems as if it isn't all black-or-white, or not anymore, he mentioned that I like to judghe and sometimes hate myself for that type of thinking, but he highlighted just a few cases of where I definitely had nuances and shades of grey in my thinking.

Close to the end of the session, he kind of asked me the same thing maurice pointed out a few days ago - that it might be good to ask myself what I get from Fabrizio as my partner, what he as a partner is doing good for me. Great moment to think about this now (not), when I texted him earlier to see if he was still awake and he texted me that he's gonna take a shower, I texted back and told him to have a good shower and went on with my breakdown (I wanted to reach out to him and maybe drive back to the shared flat bc I felt so horribly bad) and he texted "what's wrong?" but I didn't see that bc I was crying and not on my phone. Kept on crying and when I got back to my phone 15 mins later, I saw the text + "misses?" + "otay I sweeps now", which made me tear up now bc I felt like he didn't even really care, if I was worried for him and he didn't text me back, I'd call him. I'm pretty sure he knows me well enough to know that I didn't feel so great, and it shows in his messages, just not in his effort to care. I'll still have a lot to think about, this relationship in general probably, and the moving out thing too, even though I was so sure abt it until today. Ugh, life's going... great.

I mean it's nice that I can see bad things about other ppl and not just about me, but it can also be hella confusing and destabilizing, especially when you've basically build your whole current existence/"life" around one person and have to realize that not everything is perfect about that person/relationship, in fact it seems like nothing about this relationship is perfect.