#it's part of the reason that discourages me from writing tbh

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Rachel,

I have a few questions if you don’t mind:

1. How do you get comfortable writing the story of your heart? I’ve been pushing off big story ideas that I want to write so that I can get better at writing. But like what if that’s making me feel less motivated or am I just being annoying about it? Maybe I should just suck it up and practice something easier because I honestly don’t have the skills for a complex novel idea.

2. Do you ever look at other writers progress and process and feel bad about your own? Because I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately and trying to adapt to every writers process is impossible and not fun. But I’m stifled by the fear of doing things wrong even though there’s not really a “wrong” way to write.

3-4. I want to participate in nano but I’m a student so it’s going to be a challenge. Since you also were a student do you have any tips? I’ve heard from others that I should just give up writing while in school and every time it hurts, even though I know they don’t mean me any harm. I just want to know if it’s really impossible. So I guess this really is a 2 part question: Do you have any time management tips for writing as a student and do you have any tips for starting nano for the first time?

Hi hi hi!

1. Tbh, my best advice is just to write what you want. If that’s the hard thing, then go for the hard thing. I skirted around difficult projects thinking I didn’t have the skill set for them but that just led me to never writing them. The truth is you’re always going to be missing something before writing a project—writing is an evolutionary art form for that reason, so it’s intrinsic that we learn and fail as we go.

2. I don’t really feel bad when comparing myself to other writers but this probably is mostly because I generally don’t have negative self-talk anymore (IDK WHERE IT WENT LOL) but you’re absolutely not alone in this feeling (& I know I’ve felt this way in the past). You’ve got it right that there’s no one process, and tbh, the thing you might have to do is just constantly remind yourself of that when writing in order to push through. A lot of the time if writing is sticking for me for a more abstract reason like this I have to grit my teeth and keep reminding myself it’s okay to be imperfect, etc.

3. To be verrrryyy honest with you, I struggled to balance writing & school and while I don’t think you have to give up writing while being a student, something a lot of the times naturally has to give since being a student is so time consuming. Not to be discouraging at all but just as a precursor because I was never able to successfully do NaNo when I was in school (not even in high school) EXCEPT for in 2022, and that was for a couple reasons. Mostly, I just put school on the back burner haha. I’m not recommending this but at that point in my degree I was tired of how I was being treated & not being able to prioritize my own writing & I started to push the boundaries of my academics to see how much I could let go in order to write. This is not something I responsibly recommend, but it’s what I did. I wrote a lot in lectures (….. oops lol) & pulled back a bit on assignments (I still did as well as I typically do which is when I realized for me I could put in less effort into school & get the same results—just MY experience, again not a recommendation).

So I’m not saying it’s impossible but I don’t want to make it seem like I was able to juggle both. I wasn’t lol! I skipped classes, I BS’d assignments & that’s bc school wasn’t my priority anymore (this was 100% best for my mental health & I surprisingly academically performed the best I ever have & also graduated #1 in my faculty BUT I thrive off of chaotic timetables & doing things when I’m not supposed to lol, so again not a recommendation & just context as to how I did it).

Otherwise, a couple things I did: edited late at night when I was too tired to draft & added words through line level edits. Used scene ideas from old books & propagated them into the new book. Prepped a little in advance by drafting (or you could outline) so I knew where I was going. Got ahead by 1k as much as I could. It also helped that I was at the exact right place at the exact right time to do nano (literally got right to the climax at the very end), so a lot of my success I think was also luck.

My biggest tip for starting NaNo for the first time is to be open for your expectations to change & to listen to yourself as you go because a word count isn’t worth your mental health! If you can plan around busy days that can also help too. November was always the worst month for deadlines when I was in school, so if you’re falling behind it’s soooo okay! Have fun with it—NaNo isn’t supposed to be stressful, so if it is it’s okay to amend the goal to suit your lifestyle! :)

[rollercoasterwords]

do you have a writing routine? how do you reconcile it with other stuff (working, studying, etc? do you have any tips? (asking this as a writer who does not have the bloody time/energy)

not really! if i was writing to make a living i'd probably need one, but as it is since i'm just writing for fun i tend to go with the flow. for the past 2-ish years i've been working a 9-5 with like weekends to myself and vacation time etc, and honestly that has left me a lot more time to pursue hobbies than i had as a university student (wayyy harder to find time + energy 2 write when i was already writing papers all the time + working part time jobs + participating in extracurriculars + hanging w friends etc...honestly i've found working fulltime to be a lighter workload than university lmao).

i know for some people a writing routine or like trying to sit down and write x amount of words every day can be helpful, but for myself it usually is more discouraging than anything because it makes me feel like there's like...a certain amount of writing i'm supposed to be churning out. and honestly i think this is a mentality that's very accepted amongst writers--the idea that you need to write a lot to somehow be worthwhile as a writer or call yourself a writer, the idea that writing slowly or not writing much is inferior, etc. and i think a lot of that mindset is like. capitalist brain tbh. the idea that you need to be constantly producing and producing a lot or ur somehow failing.

again it's different for different people in terms of helpfulness and it may be more or less necessary depending on why ur writing/what ur writing for--but i started writing fic purely for fun, and then i started to notice that i was feeling pressure to churn out as much writing as i could as fast as possible, and it got to the point where it was making writing not fun anymore. so now i'm trying to completely expunge the mindset that i have to write for any reason if i don't feel like it--because i don't! and i genuinely enjoy writing and want to write, so if i give myself time and space to do other things then for me it's pretty natural to sit down and write for a few hours for fun eventually.

so i guess as far as tips go my main one would be like. spend some time reflecting on why u want to write + what sort of pressure ur putting on urself + where that pressure's coming from. for me approaching writing as something that is first and foremost about the joy of just making up a story and less about producing a finished product has been the most helpful mindset shift in helping me write more consistently

[consistentsquash]

Hi CS, I love reading your meta comments on fics and the healthy conversations they start. Can you share some tips for writing comments like those or longer comments in general?

Hiya! <3 Sorry for the seriously late answer. Real Life things and not much time for fandom now.

Really great to hear you like my meta comments!

I get psyched out if I am thinking about writing a long comment because analysis paralysis. I just need to set a timer for like 30 min, start quoting lines from a fic and then it kind of works out. Writing meta comments or longer comments is a lot of work. So it helps me a lot if I can break it down into some parts.

Loving the fic - Of course you can write long comments for fics you don't really vibe with. But for me personally I need to love something a lot to get into the zone. I don't really write long comments on fics I don't 100% love. Of course you can love something and find flaws with it when you analyze it.

Big themes - Any fic has got themes. Sometimes they are really easy to identify as a trope. Some authors work with the same themes in their fics. Tbh I don't really know how to identify these if I haven't read the author's longer works. But once you get those you can use them to write your comment.

Interesting things - a lot of times you can point out something the fic does which is pretty different from what the fandom trend is. It doesn't need to be a big thing. It can be just omg you made Crozier taller than Fitzjames. Noticing something outside the normal pattern helps a lot to write longer comments.

Google Docs- AO3 doesn't really have a lot of good tools for folks who want to bookmark lines in a fic. So if I want to write a long comment a lot of times I copy the fic into Google Docs to help me quote lines. This is a lot of work. Reason for my next point :D

Motivation - One thing that really helps me with writing longer comments is understanding my motivation. Because motivation is everything for me when I don't have the spoons. For me I am more likely to write meta comments if the fic is seriously underrated. I am talking <20 kudos here because there are lot of fics like that which are far more brilliant compared to the fics which get the most recs/most kudos and I really want those authors to stay in fandom because they are writing new/creative fics I love. HP fandom and a lot of other fandoms really dont love those fics like they deserve. But anyway, that's my motivation. I want there to be interesting movies outside the big three studios so I support movies outside those three way more and write reviews for them. Same logic for fic with me. I want there to be new/interesting/creative/experimental fics and I don't want those authors to be discouraged by fandom trends so I save my longest comments for those.

Fandom etiquette - Also one more thing. I don't do meta comments if I don't know for sure the author's preference on that type of comment. I feel like a lot of times folks can get super critical for no reason in fic comments and think they are doing the right thing but that's kind of missing the whole point of fanfic as a fun activity/fandom as a fun community. Of course there are folks who want to use this as experience for profic or get better at writing in general but unless the author is soliciting it I don't really go there. You are on Tumblr so you probably either write yourself or get to see a lot of author blogs. So maybe you already know how sensitive folks can be because fic writing is a seriously creative activity and whenever you are doing anything creative and sharing them with other people it makes you feel super vulnerable. Anything you are sharing with the world can make you feel vulnerable. So definitely respect the author's boundaries. They are not AI they are just another person with emotions and lots of creativity they are sharing <3

Get the vibe - you know the thing about lurking before participating? You don't really need to do that. But for me I am super self-conscious so I generally lurk on a couple of fics to get the vibe of an author before commenting. Some authors are going to totally nerd out with you if you identify themes in their works. Others probably not so much. People like different things.

Burnout - Of course this isn't something I can do for every fic I read so I just save it for the most underrated fics which profoundly changed my life and that type of thing. It can be pretty hard because sometimes writers can get sad if readers don't comment on their new fic after commenting on their old fic or readers comment longer comments on other authors fics and that type of thing. Of course that's totally valid. But I need my own boundaries to motivate me without feeling burned out. This part is kind of hard for me because people pleasing and guilt problems but the boundaries are important because it's not my job to make everybody feel valued for the amazing fics they write. Other commenters are going to do that.

Do it for yourself - Anything you do in fandom you got to do it for yourself. Write for yourself is the big one. But same goes for comments. Sometimes you write the best comment of your life and you don't get a reply or you get a reply which really gives you the vibe they didn't like something you said. It happens! But you got to write comments for yourself which means you have to accept that happens and move on. You know what I mean?

Sorry about long answer but it's amazing that you want to write longer comments. Go for it <3 Hope you have lots of fun with commenting. Definitely lmk how it's going <3

[nazukisser]

Helloo I recently came across ur blog and all ur writing is amazing!! Keep up the good work !

\(//∇//)\ Ah but do u have any advice for someone that just started a writing blog? please drink enough water and rest well!!

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Thank you so much! I'm really glad you like my works!!! <3 As for advice... there's a lot that goes into a blog, so I think this will be a little long. (Please do not be discouraged, it's not as hard and complicated as the length of this guide. If you go with the flow of however it goes you'll be fine. I've been labeled as professional by many people. Please remember these are tips that I find helpful and useful in my blogs so feel free to take some and leave some.)

01. purpose of blog

While I know that you most likely have a reason for your blog, it's really helpful to think about exactly what kind of contents you want to bring to the hellfire of tumblr.

It can be whatever reason, to write fics of your fav, or to try out writing, or to just bring more stuff into the tags, maybe a mix, add in another reason or few.

But it's a guiding point as to where you wanna go with the blog. If you're gonna use it for whatever, that's fine too, whatever you want with the blog. But if you're making lots of goals to achieve a big goal, it's good to have a "vision statement".

If it helps, my vision statement is to write all the ideas in my drafts and to bring more nazuna content in this world. Ultimately, I just wanna have fun with it though.

02. blog setup

URLS: in terms of urls, short and catchy urls are most popular. something related to a character, in-game item, theme, song title, etc. my prev url was nazu-yume, which each part has 4 letters and is easily recognizable. nazukisser is somewhat messier but it describes what this blog is better. also if your url is longer it's best to put hyphens. easier to remember

Solo? Group?: Sometimes, depending on the blog, you might want to run the blog with someone else. it's fun :D but running a blog by yourself is really common. whatever floats your boat

General aesthetic: You can always change your aesthetic tbh, but having a general theme is great to decide on. often times it's a specific card. others its a theme like "angels" or a color like light blue or a song or a specific character, or a specific aesthetic like lovecore but whatever you find pretty

Headers: Usually, most people (me included) like to match headers and icons (see more about icons below). ive been making mine 1100 x 650 px if you decide to crop an image or edit your own. i tend to edit mine because that feels too lazy if i don't. but lots of people pick an image and place it as their header. there's always the option to reposition/zoom in or out/not stretch header !!!

Icons: Usually match the headers, being the same character or similar colors etc. crop into square or circle or have a transparent png with a unique shape (like a heart). this one has all sorts of funky shapes to play around with.

Blog colors: usually match header/icon + pinned (see below). feel free to pick a color from the images you used for the icon/header/elsewhere in the blog. I use this site to pick colors from images.

Blog title & description: these appear in search results for your blog. sometimes i put in "enstars x reader" so that my blog may search up in the search results by any chance. but you can leave either empty or put in your name or a song name or whatever, my main's title is literally "busy kissing nito nazuna" so do whatever. for the description i usually put my name, pronouns and whether requests are open or not. people are more likely to read this than what's on your pinned. reminder that there are many people who do not read the important stuff and just read whatever they want on your blog

Pinned post: Arguably the most important post on your entire blog. it's basically your navigation, home page, and face of your blog. in one. that sounds scary i promise its not. There are a lot of things I recommend having on or linked to on a pinned: - introduction: name, pronouns whatever else - dni/byf - request status (open, closed) - blog & request rules - masterlist - tags used - you can also have: latest/best/most popular fics, mutuals list, taglist information, other blogs, wheatever else you want on there tbh

tags: can be basic, mine are on this blog ("#qian talks" is as straightforward as can get) or they can be fancy ("ocean of orbis" is just fancy on my main), whatever floats your boat. i usually include tags for at least shitposting/talking and reblogs

desktop theme: you can find a lot on theme hunter or coding cabin (you actually can find me in coding cabin haha) you don't usually need to have any coding experience for customizing themes (tumblr has a neat customization thing) but for pages you will need to know how to edit it without breaking the code. (it's not hard, promise) [laptop only] edit appearance -> edit theme -> "edit HTML" -> delete all the code there -> paste in the code you have acquired

03. writing tips

writing is really a self-discovery experience. writing a lot helps you develop your own style and preferences for writing, and writing self-indulgent works is always the best experience imo!

take inspiration from anything. and i mean, anything. i take a look on my desk and i see an eraser. what can i do with an eraser. artist!au, perhaps? objects are difficult to take inspo from, so any media will do as well. lots and lots of my ideas are inspired by manhwa (for example, my kasa series "stamped with flowers" would fit in a very specific style of manhwa

write whenever you can! quite literally, whenever you have enough energy or time to sit down and write, or when you're inspired and need to write something in your notes. i promise you, it's very easy to forget ideas at times. getting in one word is already progress

if you decide to take requests please PLEASE remember that you don't have to do them. it's not as expected as you think. most likely the requester will forget that they sent the request soon and will be pleasantly surprised when they see it posted. if it is not posted, it is not a bother. also don't worry about taking a year to finish requests ive done it before and then sometimes i hold an event and never write any of the requests!! (looks at my 800 event on my main)

don't feel pressured to write consistently... i write a lot, but thats because i stress write a bunch... so please, write whenever you can/whenever you please. it's much better that way, i promise.

if you feel your work sucks i promise that you are the only one who thinks it sucks that much. because one is their own most harsh critic of their own works.

dont be afraid to take breaks too! they're so healthy for you fr

if you need help characterizing, all I can do is to say that you need to read more stories.

prompt lists are wonderful. reblog one and you may find some good requests in your inbox.

04. blogging experience

what do i do if i get hate? the best thing to do is to block the anon/user (yes you can block anons, the same way you can block a user straight from an ask) and delete the ask. they're attention seekers <3 don't give it to them and they'll give up fast. "i've seen you reply to hate asks-" "shh... i'm a bad example, i can't help but roast the anons. not recommended if you are bothered by hate anons

what if i take too long to answer asks? there is never too long.

what if i get an ask that makes me uncomfortable? delete it. (and block)

what if someone makes a comment that makes me uncomfortable? block and delete it.

what if someone who applies to my dni/byf follows me/interacts with me? block. not worth any of your time.

what if i don't like my theme but i'm too lazy to redo it? good luck comrade. i hope you can get yourself to redo it someday.

what is "successful"? A "flop"? whatever you feel is successful and whatever you feel is a flop.

blog recs? see the enstarsblr section of my moots list on my main @lilikags (list might be outdated,,, probably.. will fix later)

do i post too much? no. my main has 12.1k posts.

how do i make friends in this fandom? send people asks and interact with posts

to avoid losing posts, please write in something like google docs. i never learned my lesson on this in reality. all i can ask is that other people do not make my mistakes.

05. helpful links

canva (image editing)

pixlr (image editing)

previous tips post

enstars sortable stories masterlist by fortunebanquet (laptop only)

and... thats it i think?? feel free to ask me any questions you may have that i didn't answer here !!!

[metvmorqhoses]

Thank you for your take on the Darkling! I absolutely loved reading it. (I might read it a second time tbh). He truly is complicated and it kinda bothers me that people oversimplify him, especially the book version. Could things have been better? A 1000% Yes! But I don't see how people can read TDiW and not see his perspective on life or at least feel sorry for him. Btw are you going to read the graphic novel on TDiW when it comes out? Do you think LB is using him to simply make more money? It's hard to tell if she actually cares about him as a character.

You cannot imagine how glad I am to see so many people sharing my thoughts and frustrations regarding such a deserving and yet so poorly treated character. Every time it feels genuinely like a small victory.

One thing can surely be said, this fandom gave the Darkling the consideration and depth the original novels denied him. What he deserved as a character, he certainly found here thanks to some very stubborn few.

As for your question, I am actually still debating if reading The Demon in the Wood (especially the upcoming graphic novel), even while of course knowing more or less its general content.

If I have to be completely honest with you, I am quite fed up with how Bardugo uses and abuses the Darkling, a character she probably conjured by chance while taking here and there from ancient folklore and other better works, a character far larger than her own imaginings, a character that quite obviously escaped her own narrative and just stubbornly refuses to fit in every single little box she tries and fails to relegate him in, and to the point of discovering myself discouraged at the idea of reading something I'm deeply interested in because of the tragic logics of its own creator.

I absolutely find this occurrence deeply bizarre myself. It had never happened to me before, to like something so much while completely disagreeing in every single way with the person who is supposed to be in charge of it. I've always been fiercely loyal to every artist's absolute right of kingship over their own creations, but I find this particular case just hardly excusable.

As a reader, I cannot really help but feeling toyed with and cheated when it comes to this series.

The general writing is plain and mediocre aside for a few lines here and there. The plot doesn't make any thematic sense. The story doesn't follow its own logic but the absolute strange one of an author lurking behind every corner, an author that doesn’t allow her readers to actually have their own opinions about anything. The majority of the characters are "heavily inspired" by some other greater source. The rhyme and reason of the one poetically and mythologically interesting personality in there completely escapes its creator, whose only piece of understanding seems to revolve around the fact that, for some reason, this very character is the one thing that makes her books sell.

Therefore everything she writes constantly hints at and promises a big meaningful part for him in the narrative, while in truth he is just strategically always put one time in the beginning, one time in the middle and one time at the end of every single book just to serve as a page-turner and to make at the same time plain and over-sentionalistic turning points work, without ever gaining any real role, development or actual depth, while the other characters seem always frozen in their own opinion no matter the evidence they are presented with, eternally unable to change their (the author’s) static idiotic narrative about him.

That LB puts the Darkling in her books to make them sell it's by now evident common knowledge. That she uses our collective interest in him for her own gain, all the while judging us harshly for it, it’s something that truly drives me up a wall. And quite frankly I am rather uninterested in following the appalling and nonsensical literary whirling she constructs with this poor character as the main bait in order to quite literally exploit our ability to recognize artistic worth.

I actually noticed she always tries to deal with him as little as possible in every novel, probably afraid to find herself in the need to really start to characterize him.

It's really quite sad.

The Darkling is literally killed and brought back to life to sell copies. The Darkling is what makes Netflix shows happen. And now prequels about him are coming out in different forms just for a capitalistic kind of sake.

I'm not a big fan of any of this. If the writing was at least good, getting idealistically mad would make some sort of sense, but alas this is not even that much the case.

I hope I didn't sound too harsh, but I really was in absolute disbelief while reading those novels.

I’d much prefer reading again some true masterpieces written by beyond talented authors on ao3 (stories that actually feel way more real and deserving than the actual original books) and leaving LB to her own, very sad, literary choices.

[the-goddess-of-mischief-writing]

Buxom beauty

Oneshot summary; You struggle, as an overweight and taller than average woman, to find the beauty in yourself. However, Loki there to make you understood just how worthy and magnificent you truly are.

Pairing: Loki x reader  

Rating: Mature

CHAPTER NO/ONESHOT: Oneshot

Word; 2.900

Warnings; will say triggering themes ( e.x serious self-doubt) even if it may not be the case, maybe som angst

Author; @the-goddess-of-mischief-writing

A/N: So a little mid-week surprise everyone! This fic is per request from a user on my AO3 account following their lines of: “Could you possibly do one where reader is tall for a woman but also overweight? She struggles with seeing herself as worthy or beautiful but Loki is tryna make her see herself the way he sees her in his own special way?? Please can you do this?” It started out as a drabble and an hour later it was all of a sudden a whole ass fic. Tbh I’m not even gonna apologise this time.

Your eyes were levelled with the upper edge of the mirror. Although you didn't concentrate on how the top of your head didn't really fit into the reflected image unless you took a few steps back. Instead, your eyes followed the soft curves running along the sharp edges of the mirror.

It was soft. No, you were soft in places which the majority of women perhaps not were. Rather than resemble the figure of the mirror before you, which was slim and narrow. Your body was an even curve all the way from your busts to thighs. Though depending on how you shifted your weight, it could also become uneven. Despite how it looked, some places were more generous than others in exceeding the public image of how you should look.

When you turned to the side, your head stayed twisted towards your figure. Your outline wasn't straight. Nor descending into a slender point of which your feet was the tip. It was like a wave, rising in places and lowering in others. And much like that movement of water, your body didn't have any sharp edges. It was simply soft and natural-looking.

You closed your eyes, turning back to fully face the mirror. However, as you started to walk backwards, you didn't re-open them. Purely because you didn't need to look to know there was no gap between your thighs. Neither how no trained illusion of abs existed as an outline under the shirt you wore. Nor how the fabric covering you followed the curve of your chest rather than fell in drapes.

Not until you had shuffled about a foot and a half backwards, enough so that you knew all of you fit in the length of the mirror, did you open your eyes.

You saw the tiredness in the eyes staring back at you. It was a tiredness of trying to make yourself look another way, tiredness to view yourself as enough. Only if you realised and found yourself in the fact that you wouldn't look any other way and that you didn't always need to be enough, maybe that exhaustion would disappear.

A sigh left you while you closed the dresser door to hide the cursed mirror. It was with the same force as you'd done earlier today when you had shut the locker door in the gym without even putting anything in there, choosing to just head back home instead.

You'd wanted to be there at first. But, discouraged by the little mirror in the changing room and the glances received from the already remarkably trained people working out, you suddenly didn't.

You still contemplated the choice. Because you shouldn't have chickened out so quickly. However, home meant that you only were aware of your own intrusive thought, rather than everyone else's judgement too.

Since this morning, your head had felt heavy with thoughts. Throughout the day, though, it had only gotten worse.

It felt like even though you rested, the little voice telling you you should do something was there. Yet, every time you did something, the other voice, the one telling you to stop trying, also whispered in your ear. This was a day you listened to the second, exemplified by your action of fleeing the gym.

So, ever since returning from the short trip outside, you hadn't done much more than lounge around in the apartment you shared with Loki.

The raven god was, for the moment, on yet another mission with the team. Though he'd told you that he wouldn't be gone for more than three days, you hadn't gotten to know much else of the mission. And despite you felt worried every now or then about the lack of information, it was fine. Because early on in your relationship, Loki said he never would hide anything from you if you asked, but he preferred to keep his work and private life as separate as possible.

You respected and understood that. So most times, you settled with the little pieces of information he willingly gave you. Primarily because you could sense his nerves anyway and know how serious the mission was from that. This time around, however, Loki hadn't been worried about the mission, so neither did you feel like you had a reason you should.

Although now, worried or not, you wished he wasn't away on a mission at all. Instead, at home with you.

You would've made the most out of the day, despite how you felt, if Loki was here. Maybe you would've watched some movies, gone out on a walk, or perhaps cook together. It was mundane activities but still things both of you enjoyed. Now though, the only representation of your mischievous partner was his shirt.

You'd nabbed it from Loki's side of the closet in an attempt to calm yourself down from the scent still lingering in the fabric. Only that it resulted in a critical try.

Because not only did it remind you too much of the warmth and presence of him, which made you miss him even more. It had also become the cause of you suddenly staring in the dresser mirror and becoming ever more conscious about yourself.

You hadn't only thought back on the day while standing there, but also the way his shirt fits you. It didn't hang down to your knees, not even the middle of your thighs. It ended halfway over your bottom, like your own shirt with an inch or two added. Thus, if you hadn't worn any tights, you would've walked around just as exposed as if you had worn one of your own shirts.

Even now, when heading from the living room to the kitchen, you looked down at where the shirt ended. The edge brushed along the very top of your thighs. You tried pulling it down a bit, but the fabric simply inched upwards again, making your brows furrow and lips purse.

That was until you heard something.

Your expression changed so that your eyebrows raised and eyes sought out the front-door from which the sound of a lock opening came from. You hadn't made plans with any friends today. Even if you had, they should've knocked, seeing how none of them had a key to your place.

The second you started to worry that it was a break-in, you saw a silhouette you recognised all too well. It was clad in green and gold. The raven hair that touched the tops of his shoulders, nearly blended in with the darker details of the clothing. You started to move before even registering anything more of Loki.

It was with mere moments to spare you noticed the emerald shimmer surround him and remove the armoured parts of his attire before you crashed into his chest.

A little ouf left the god, as he didn't expect the welcoming he got. But that didn't matter, as your arms encircled his neck instinctively. Unable to do anything else than simply stay put a few steps into the foyer, Loki encircled your waist with his arms, face boring into your neck as yours already had done in his.

"You said you wouldn't be home until tomorrow", you mumbled. Knowing he'd heard what you said from the little kiss he gave the side of your neck.

"Well, you know how my brother is, ever as impatient. Sometimes for the better and other times worse, thankfully this time was not the latter", Loki pulled his head out of the crook in your neck to look at you, consequently making you do the same. "Hopefully, you do not mind?"

"Definitely not", you thought you'd said it casually, but the way the raven-haired god tipped his head inclined you hadn't.

"Something wrong, darling?" You gave him a smile and shook your head as you said 'no' while stepping out of his arms. If you would've guessed, you supposed it was the way you retracted from Loki's touch that gave him more than a feeling that you'd lied.

"If there's something wrong, you can tell me", that he even said this made you understand he was aware that you weren't ok. Nevertheless, you saw the exhaustion in his eyes by being away on a mission with the team. He may have been recruited to the Avengers by his brother, rather unwillingly one may add, on the basis that the god of thunder could keep a watchful eye over his brother that way, though he by now had accepted the fact he wouldn't leave. 

Yet simply because of this, or that he was a god, didn't mean Loki didn't get tired from the countless missions he was assigned. And it was because of this, you didn't want to burden him with what had weighed you down this whole day.

"I know, Loki", you turned then, starting to head towards your shared bedroom and the bathroom that connected to it to run a bath. However, you weren't even able to suggest that before a hand shot out and wrapped itself around your wrist.

It was enough to make you glance over your shoulder with a raised brow, but not enough to hurt.

"I can see something isn't right and that you feel like you can't tell me", your lip caught between your teeth at the pleading way the raven-haired god looked at you. Still, you didn't say anything, now concerned he would find your worry silly. "Darling, please".

"I-I... why do you want to know? You must be exhausted, go take a shower, or I can tap up a bath for us", you tried smiling to convince him he should think about himself before considering you. Yet, it seemed Loki was as persistent as you at the moment.

"Not until you tell me what's on your mind", he took a step closer, now tugging lightly at where he held your arm so you would turn to him.

"It's n...".

"Do not tell me it is nothing. If not because I am the god of lies, then because I am your lover", he cut off the half-ass excuse you'd tried to use and continued to look at you with the intent of not letting you escape with anything but the truth said. Despite he didn't know you knew you wouldn't have tried anything again, the last part of his sentence striking a nerve that made you sigh.

"This day has just been bad", you finally said. "I-I... it feels like I just need a break from my thoughts. And I know you probably need one too, regarding how messy those missions can get", the god of mischief's lip tugged upwards slightly at this.

"You, my dear, are a break from everything that ever could weigh me down".

"How can I be that", you snapped, hand tearing away from Loki's grip. You didn't know why you reacted like that all of a sudden, probably because what he said rubbed so wrong against everything you thought about yourself today. But it got even worse when you saw the slightly shocked look painting Loki's features. "There's so many more that could fulfil that", you mumbled under your breath, feeling the burn of embarrassment in your chest as you turned to head down the hall and not face him after your little outburst.

Yet you were stopped, once again, by the god when he spun you around to face him. The previous shock had now turned into a furrow between his brows.

"But I do not want more, darling, I simply want you", on good days, you may have smiled and kissed him for those words. Now you just cringed at them while trying to escape the grasp he still had on your hips.

"How could you?" You finally said when realising he wouldn't let go of you, head falling forwards to look down on the floor. "Just...just look at me compared to every other woman you meet. What do I have that they don't?"

There was a silence then, one that made you shut your eyes. You prepared to feel Loki's hands leave you where they still rested on your body, hot and anchoring, though that was not what happened. He did move, but not to take his hands off of you, nor away from you. Instead, his finger hooked under your chin.

Even though you followed his gentle encouragement to tip your head upwards, you didn't open your eyes despite feeling his gaze on you.

"Please darling, open your eyes", he didn't need to coax you any further. "There those pretty gems are", you hadn't even opened them entirely before Loki said this, instantly making you smile. Nevertheless, as if your thoughts today really didn't want you to feel happy, worthy, of his love, the corners of your mouth tipped downwards when remembering he still hadn't answered your question.

As if sensing, if not plainly seeing, the change, Loki's brows furrowed. You tried holding his gaze but felt you were unable to do so, which in the end, made you avert your eyes.

What you couldn't know was that your display had made Loki realise something did really bother you today and that the topic of the conversation held moments earlier, maybe a reflection of that.

Suddenly you felt how the touch at your left hip disappeared, to be sensed once more when it rested against your cheek. You were unable not turn towards the god of mischief with wide eyes at his gesture. However, as you once more looked at him, you saw nothing of the playfulness that often accompanied him, just a seriousness as he looked at you.

"You asked what you have compared to what others don't", he began, thumb stroking the apple of your cheek. "You have the ability to calm me like no other. You have a beauty incomparable to anyone else. You have my hearth", you felt a flutter in your chest as Loki's hand trailed from your face down to your waist, only to there pull you close to him, simply waiting for your answer.

Yet, for the moment, you were at a loss of words. Not only by what the god of mischief said. But what you realised and was constantly reminded of when being pressed against him. You'd never needed to crane your neck, nor did Loki need to bend down for the matter, to look each other in the eye.

"B-but how can I have all that?" Your voice was small as the question nearly trembled from your lips.

"Midgard is so harsh and stale that it does not care about anything more than looks. One needs to find softness and in order to do that, one needs to look further than the surface. If people simply choose to do that, they would find so many more like you", the flutter travelled further and further from your chest. Slowly like molasses, the doubt dripped off of your bones for butterflies to instead settle on them. But the dark and sticky liquid stubbornly didn't want to withdraw completely.

"Earth may be like that, Loki, but you aren't from here", you began, fingers twitching against the Asgardian attire, his signum, that he still wore. "You've told me how beautiful the eternal world is, so I know your standard of beauty, like so many other things, are so much higher than mine and everyone else's".

"Asgard is filled with beauty", the raven-haired god nodded, a smirk tugging the side of his mouth. For some reason, it made those butterflies feel like they drowned in the molasses. Because what else than far greater memories than what he's created with you could accompany such a gesture? Apparently, something entirely else, you realised as he continued. "Yet you, my darling, wouldn't fit there because your beauty out-shines all of what already exists. And do you know why none can see this? Because no-one can watch the sun for too long before getting burned".

"But you still do you", you stated incredulously. Thus why, if using Loki's own words, would he do something that hurt him. However, being ever the observant person he was, he caught your doubt. Which made him shake his head and chuckle.

"You seem to forget I am a god, no mere human or simple Asgardian", directly after he stated thus, Loki did something that made you squeal, in both surprise and worry.

His arms tightened around your waist and lifted you, high enough your feet dangled off the floor and your face was a few inches above his. You almost panicked, imagining you were too heavy for him, but you didn't find anything that displayed such strain in his face. And then any caution disappeared as he twirled you around.

A giggle fell from your lips as you felt the air around you shift with Loki's action. You felt light when nearly all thoughts from earlier seemingly were flung out of your mind and even stayed away when he gently set you down again. His firm chest still pressed into your soft one.

"Just think about it, darling, you need a god to love you for someone to find your true beauty. Does not that show how worthy of love you are if no other person can stand beside you and call you theirs", your smile didn't die down this time as you gazed at him.

"I suppose I must agree with said god", you didn't get more time to witness his smirk turn into a smile before his head tilted forward and his forehead came to rest against yours.

"You never must, but oh how honoured I would be if you did".

[sexydreamgirl]

this might come off as mean but tbh your whining tag is kind of rude. some of the ppl on there are prob new to law of attraction/manifesting and instead of actually paying attention to them, you’re writing it off as whining.

also it’s kind of weird how you say in ur bio people can vent/trauma dump but then write off people who do that with LOA as whining. imo its just rude and invalidating. dealing w that all the time is probably frustrating but instead of saying they’re whining just don’t answer the ask 💀

It isn’t kind of rude. It is rude, that’s the point, so it can discourage y’all from sending such messages in the future. I cannot bring myself to delete the questions because I know they want help otherwise they wouldn’t come to me. I’ve stated that I answer everything I receive including that dreadful spider man incident so I just choose to post these asks I get anyway so people know I’ve received them. I love talking to my followers and I especially love my anons. I receive about 50 questions a day, +250 if I’m online and I’m always happy to help people (so long as I don’t have to repeat myself hence why I have a FAQ and # my answered questions). However, if you do not provide a question I cannot help you.

Also, vents/trauma dumps are not the same as whining imo. A vent is more of a rant or just a need to let out strong feelings about something while a trauma dump is usually a long dump pertaining to trauma or other overwhelming predicaments. Whining is just complaining. But you provide a fairly valid point that I have previously considered and I completely understand what you mean, I was kinda iffy about it too because I know it’d be a cunt move to pass something off as whining if it’s a vent/proper frustration which in case then you’d be right, that’d be invalidating and I’m sure I must have been unable to differentiate the two on a few occasions.

I consent to receiving trauma dumps and vents because other blogs aren’t okay with receiving them and I know I can take on them (I’ve done it multiple times). My answers range in length depending on the question because repetition becomes tiring and I can’t keep writing customized prescriptions but I still do what I can when I can. I let people send whatever they want on here whether it’s to pour out their frustration (which would be a dump) or whatever it is because it can be a cathartic mechanism but if I’m receiving nothing but when I receive something like “the law is such bs it doesn’t work for me” with NO question? That’s straight up whining and nothing else. It’s like... okay... what do you want me to say? You’re here vaguely telling me about your problem which I would assume is for the sake of soliciting help but I’m gonna need you to come with a question because I’m not gonna sit there and take my time to pry it out of you, I’m not your therapist. I’m intentionally making myself available to you all so in order for us to meet in the middle be reasonable with what you send if you actually want help.

Anyone who follows me knows that I love helping people and if that weren’t the case my blog would cease to exist. If you read what I write back, I always validate the feelings and struggles these people are feeling and I aim to be as mindful as possible when sensitive topics are discussed (because empathy is required when running a blog like this) and you need to tread lightly. I always advise with the best intentions and when the chance presents itself, I will dedicate extra time to the answers I provide because I love you and I want to give you what I would consider the best advice/answer that I can give you. What I’m trying to say is I’m always here to help you for whatever the case may be but if you’re not actually doing your part so I can do that, then you’re wasting both of our times. I have a huge, huge tolerance for this kinda thing and call it rude, call me a pos, but I also need to set some guidelines in place if you’re gonna be sending me something with the expectation that I respond to it. I pour my heart into the answers I provide when I am up for it and while I do understand that people struggle, receiving something without substance is just annoying. 

(+ for future reference you don’t need to be like “hey this might be mean but” just send girl I can handle it)

[inonibird]

Sahuldeem/Kaleesh Q&A #5

Here we go again! Some of this addresses the end of Part Two/what comes next, so the spoiler tag is in effect. (questions bold; answers italic)

I have a question. See I've been working on my own take on the Grievous backstory on and off for the past four or five years. But you've done such a good job on your own version that I'm questioning if I should continue with my own because I don't want to inadvertently make you or other people feel like I'm just ripping off your own work. Don’t be discouraged from writing your own interpretation! More fics = more fics. I don’t have a monopoly on Grievous’ backstory; there have been fics before and there will be fics in the future. As long as you aren’t directly plagiarizing, don’t sweat it. I’m sure the folks who want to read more takes on Grievous’ story will be happy to have more fics to read. :)

It occurs to me. The whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing and all. If that malga hadn't insisted Ronderu needed to die, she probably would have never ended up in the position that she would cross paths with Sheelal, and this whole mess that's about to happen now that she's dead might have been avoided. But that's hindsight for you I suppose. Honestly, that’s prophecy for ya~ :(

Hey Inoni, you once said you would do a list with all the clan sigils. Maybe you should put the earned names and the year of birth in there too or do a seperate list. Yeah, I have a BUNCH of lists in a separate document to help me keep track of clans and ages and the timeline and translations and stuff. I still don’t have designs for all of the sigils yet, so that’s still gonna have to wait! (and yes, it would be a separate list) What’s your take on the backwards-swimming shoni swordfish (just called shoni, apparently) The first time I heard about it: “weird”. I don’t mess around with the living fish much in Sahuldeem. I figure they swim backwards peacefully most of the time, but if they’re attacking prey or you rile ‘em up, they swap and swim forward with aggressive intent.

“Sappy love song that get increasingly genocidal with each verse until the listener starts asking if the songwriter is okay” needs to be a genre tbh …Can I have some examples of this, please? o_o

If they made a Grievous movie I’d want all the dialogue to be subtitled until he actually learns to speak Basic Agreed, that’d be great (even if it would require the Kaleesh language to exist…like…fully, heh). Language/names/[mis]communication are important themes in Sahuldeem, so I’m selfishly biased, lol.

What do the Kaleesh call themselves in their own language? I figure “Kaleesh” is probably not the original name of the people or language since it’s etymologically derived from the name of the planet (which is like humans being called Earthlings) and appears to have a Basic demonym, -sh. Kaleelu. (it hasn’t really come up, oops)

Hi yes that was great PLEASE give us long post on the word Sahuldeem I will! Not in this post; it will get its own! It’s incidentally pretty much THE REASON I started writing this fic, so I expect to dedicate a pretty lengthy chunk of test to it.

So given that particular disparity between Grievous’ Legends and canon backstories regarding how and when he became a cyborg, are you going to try and combine the best of both worlds, handwave it with an explanation as to why Grievous’ personal shrines depict a gradual transformation when that isn’t the historical truth, or simply retcon the canonical version without much fanfare? I’ll just say I ended up leaning towards handwaving in the script with plans to elaborate more in prose.

Ronderu’s dead (F), y’all know what that means!!! Time for Qymaen to adapt the absolute worst coping mechanisms known to the galaxy! Time for me to balance “look, he’s suffering and traumatized, for the love of all the ancestors someone get this man some therapy” with “well that’s actually just a bad choice right there and he’s accountable for his actions”.

Okay, now you’ve got me curious. Can you give us a hint on what chapter the vague Bentilais reference is in, at least? Eh, I’ll do more than hint, it’s in Chapter 10 of Part Two.

Recent drawing of Qy looking more and more like his IBC Grievous concept art look, I am Scared™️ Gives a new meaning to letting one’s hair down, huh? :’D (lol he does usually tie it up and WILL continue to do so for a while; I just figured at this moment in the story he’s had a rough couple of weeks and he just sailed through a kriffing storm, he’s not worried about hair right now) …but yeah, that sure is a…new…expression for him. >_>;;

[mediawhorefics]

Hey! I began reading your fic ‘The Blood of Words’ a while ago now, and I loved the idea of it sososoooo much. Tired tired sea will always be my favourite fic of yours (and possibly favourite fic of all bloody time) but this fic grabbed my attention in a way that nothing else has before! I honestly wanted to curl up and cry when I realised that it was unfinished. I also wanted to slap myself for not even glancing at the part where it said “chapters: 3/?” – there’s me being way too eager haha.

Sorry im waffling here, but for whatever reason you stopped writing on this one, it really sucks because I think it had and still has soo much potential <3 I hope this message doesn’t come across as pushy or angry because the fic is unfinished, I just wanted to express my appreciation for it and tell you how much I loved it (and no doubt would’ve loved then finished product) although I completely understand if you never come back to it💕

hiiii. thanks for your kind words – both about tts & about tbow. that story being unfinished is something that weighs quite heavily on me tbh. it was the first time i tried writing a wip and i realised in the process that it's really not for me. writing in order like this, without necessarily an overall plan/outline, is something i'd never done before. and i thought it would work for me but it really really didn't. i struggled with the process a lot and with the engagement (or lack thereof), which in turn made writing very difficult. it felt like not a lot of people were interested/were reading it which was discouraging and, at the same time, it felt like every single reader who did love the story and followed it was just waiting on me to finish it which just felt like constant pressure to be productive. mix that in with the quite heavy subject matter and it became a hard story to work on.

i hate leaving it unfinished though and i feel really guilty about it. like, really guilty rip. i haven't really shared this because i wanted it to be a surprise, but last spring i started really seriously working on it again. my plan was to finish it all in one go and post it at some point in the summer. i figured out the majority of my outline and wrote about 20k more of it. which, considering how long my outline is atm, is nothing. that fic will probably be my longest if i ever do finish it..... i have almost a full chapter four at this point + some stuff from much later in the story... and it still barely made a dent in the outline.

unfortunately, around that same time, there was some bullshit with people selling copies of tts on etsy and, as usual, i was getting sent more and more links to my fics being posted on wattpad without my consent and unauthorized translations and stuff like that. which really really hurt my feelings and made me feel... so disrespected and removed from the whole process. like my wishes and feelings didn't factor in at all re: what happens to MY work. here i was working super had every day to make a gift for the fandom and that's how i was being treated? people were trying to profit off my work online ?? i don't know... it was really hurtful and heartbreaking and it made me not want to make stuff for people anymore tbh. so my enthusiasm to secretly finish tbow for y'all really fizzled out. which sucks because i know it's such a small minority of people who disrespect fic writers like this, but when you pour your heart and soul into something and you spend countless hours on something, when people don't treat it with the respect it deserves it feels like being spat in the face tbh.

so yeah... i really want to finish it one day because i feel really bad about it, but i've lost a bit of momentum with that recently.

but i will say this: messages from kind people like you help <3 i opened the fic and wrote about 500 words in it after i got your message, so who knows what's gonna happen!

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered April 16, 2020

Q: hey saw ur tweet and thought I’d explain some more abt the situation: so yesterday several big fanfic writers got “exposed” for essentially treating bts like fictional characters they can assign traits to whoever. obviously I don’t think harrasment is ever okay, but I’m asking you what you think about the “issue” beyond that? Bc tbh I’m really uncomfortable knowing some writers who I like and read a lot from might essentially view bts as their own little props to create stories with, instead of as real people who you happen to like and decide to write about

A: i have a few issues with this line of thinking, but first i just want to say that if rpf crosses a moral line for you, or anyone else, and you choose not to read it, that is a completely valid choice, but i also don't think that any of the arguments i'm about to make will be particularly interesting to you if that's the case!

with that out of the way, though, i've seen this take on rpf writers viewing bts as props/puppets/dolls before and don't think it's sound for a few reasons. first, this language ("prop," "puppet," other inanimate objects) implies that rpf is essentially a dehumanizing practice, that it flattens people and discourages empathy, when in my opinion fanfiction is a *deeply* humanizing practice. as i've said before here, bts the real human people do not show us all of themselves, nor should they. we view them through the filter of media and editing and a million other things, and at the end of the day we do not know them personally. we know the parts of themselves that they choose to show us! i believe that the parts they show us are genuine and sincere expressions of themselves, but it is still only a part of themselves.

fanfiction involves looking at the parts of themselves that they choose to share with us (gathered from their behavior on camera, how they talk abt themselves and each other, etc) and imagining what the whole person might be like based on that information. how might they choose to act in this or that scenario? what abt if we change this or that thing about their past? etc. i personally think such a practice is inherently humanizing, since it requires us to empathize with bts, meaning we must be deeply considerate of what their feelings might be in a fictional scenario. however, empathy with ANY person, even people we know in real life, always involves some measure of projection, since you are putting *yourself* in that person's shoes, meaning you must *imagine* their perspective to some extent. yes, it means that rpf writers make up details about bts in order to write their stories, but this MUST happen in order for rpf to exist, since we do NOT have primary source data from bts as to what exactly that would do in every scenario if they, say switched bodies with each other, or met each other for the first time as their current ages, or were in the mafia, etc etc! fiction involves making things up, and that always means that you are getting away from the Real Person and moving more toward a *version* of this real person, hopefully constructed from a place of love and respect.

secondly, i would also argue that keeping in mind that rpf depicts a fictional version of the real person, and maintaining the distinction between the real people and the characters in rpf, is essential for rpf to remain ethical. if i did not separate the versions of bts in my fics from bts in real life then people could reasonably assume that i think hoseok and jungkook had sex in real life in 2016 when hoseok dressed in drag for house of ARMY, which i absolutely do not think happened! the fictional versions of hoseok and jungkook did that in a story i wrote! the versions of hoseok and jungkook i wrote about are based on the real people, certainly, because i love the real people and they are the impetus for my wanting to write about them! but there are many details about them in that story that they have not shared with me, and that i had to imagine in order to make them feel like real people with layers and inner lives who are reacting naturally in that scenario.

lastly, as far as this specific situation is concerned, as i understand it the author in question was talking about bts's worst qualities not out of any desire to smear them, but rather out of curiosity to see if their perception lined up with that of their friends. i think they were giving genuine opinions, since nowhere did i see anyone say that they were just assigning traits at random! maybe you, or someone else, might disagree with those opinions (i have no comment one way or the other), but i think that's why they were having the conversation in the first place! to see if people who followed them agreed with them or not.

the way i see this is that, at the end of the day, every single real person has flaws. every single one of us. i could tell you right now, with no hesitation, 5 of my boyfriend's worst qualities, and this is a person who i've been dating for nearly 10 years and whom i love SO MUCH that i sometimes cannot believe he is real. but he has flaws, because he's a real person. and i don't see anything inherently wrong in recognizing his flaws, or any person's flaws. especially if we come at it from a place of love (and honestly, if we're obsessed enough with bts to write TENS OF THOUSANDS OF WORDS of fiction and spend hours of our lives watching their content, etc., etc., i think it's safe to say that we are coming from a place of love!) i think recognizing and loving someone's flaws is SO important to loving them, because it means we won't be unfair to them by expecting them to behave perfectly. it means we'll forgive them. so for characters in stories to feel real, and human, and relatable, they must have flaws.

i think that absolutely, some of the things that were said, when taken out of context, could seem mean or less than tactful, but i would guess that the author's acct was locked during these conversations PRECISELY because they knew that what they were going to say might seem that way, and wanted to have a conversation with people who already followed them, were familiar with their tone, and were therefore more likely to interpret their meaning generously. sometimes when we're joking around, as human beings, we can come off a little tactless. who among us HASN'T called their best friend an asshole or a dickhead before??? because i certainly have! i think the fact that their tweets were screenshotted while they were locked and then spread around is mean and hurtful in the first place, and then for them to get so much vitriol because of it makes me feel REALLY sad.

asks in response to this one: #1, #2, #3

[rururux]

Short thoughts

Little points that I'd like to talk about my gift for the heishin spring exchange 2021

Drawing the flowers were literally the highlight of this

I am currently drawing a flowershop au for kaishin big bang as well - but that requires colouring and it's overwhelming to draw the whole parts of the plants when I just want to draw the flowers

So this was definitely a breather from it

ALSO I JUST GOT CSP AND M JUST SOBBING AT THE FLOWER BRUSHES LIKE PLEASE?!?!?!!

POPPY, HYDRAGEA, COSMOS, WATER LILY, PLUM, LILY, OSES, MORNING GLORY, SUNFLOWERS

My efforts.... *sobs*

Tempted to redo my whole drawing with csp, esp with the potential of the textured brushes I saw. But later when I have time.

BACK TO HEISHIN GIFT

The idea of cornflowers were actually by my giftee (which they stated in the prompt) and when I looked it up, I immediately thought genius

It had all the painful lovable meanings:

Celibacy; Delicacy; Elegance; Hope; Hope in love; Love; Patience; Refinement; Single blessedness; Single wretchedness

But what stood out to me was the contradicting meaning of "single blessedness" and "single wretchedness"

This is common in flower language and is one of the many reasons why I cross check sites and languages - aka it's a pain

But it worked really well for the writing I was going for - the idea that this love of Heiji's hurts, and yet he wants to keep it. He's so close to Kudo, but yet he's so far from him.

Unrequited feelings are hidden feelings, but through the hanahaki disease they manifest.

So yes, I love the contradictions there.

Hence I hope that whoever sees the comic realised what I've done here, Where I had the "Single blessedness; Single wretchedness" in a darker colour, with the dialogue "What a contradiction" right at the bottom. Because that's the idea of hanahaki for me for this ship.

Also hopefully, in Page 2 and Page 3 of the comic, you'd notice the link between the dialogue and the flowers.

Manifestation and Truth

Hiding and Bravery

Page 1 - yea... I can't do much about that. But it really fit Shinichi, where Heiji falls in love with how sharp Kudo's mind is, which is intellectual beauty in my opinion and understanding. Maybe I should have picked a flower about beginning?

But... ultimately the flowers are meant to represent Shinichi. That's more romantic and painful to see these flowers as it's what Heiji's fell for. It makes sense for these feelings who originate from these characteristics and qualities to mean them.

Alternatively, I went through the flower language book to make a list of flowers that are poisonous and are the negative and discouraging type. Because hanahaki is painful. I got past the letter A and I already have 6.

Page 5 was a struggle. It was a kiss scene. I was tempted to have flowers there, but with how flowers as shown means that Heiji is hurting, it doesn't feel fitting.

Plus the style of the comic is to be minimalistic. It's empty. It's a journal-esque style. Maybe I could have drawn Heiji's surprised expression? Added some colours?

Hmmm

Perhaps.

I had Kazuha in Page 2, just to clarify that this is going to be HeiShin. But also because I love her.

... Well it's actually a hint to how Shinichi knows and looks for Heiji. You didn't think Kazuha is going to sit there and watch her friend cough out blood did you?

Even if Heji asks her to keep a secret, she will hunt Kudo down. She ain't gonna lose her friend because of stubborness. His stubborness specifically.

And even if Heiji doesn't reveal, I'm pretty sure Kazuha will realise the candidate for the cause of his disease other than her. This "Kudo" person that Heiji won't stop talking about haha.

I really really like to consider other characters aside from the main ship we have in the comic.

Kazuha, assuming that she isn't aware of Heiji's feelings for Shinichi, after realising it she'll develop the same disease, but takes the surgery after Heiji's feelings are reciprocated.

Assuming that she is aware, she will still develop the hanahaki disease. And Heiji is aware of it. But he isn't able to reciprocate it. Even if Kazuha begs for him to. In the end, due to legal reasons (where Kazuha is not an adult yet and is still under her parents), she takes the surgery. By the way, I'm thinking that this happened definitely before Heiji develops hanahaki.

Ran... Ugh I want to punch Kudo tbh haha

Ran doesn't develop hanahaki. She realises that perhaps Kudo isn't the one for her. He still puts cases above her sometimes - as in even though he does care deeply about her and stuff, the relationship requires a lot of sacrifice on Ran's part. Especially as she begins to meet different people and see the world and explore it, she'll realise that seriously, Shinichi isn't the only fish in the sea.

Hence when Kudo realises his feelings, she lets go. Painful - because despite how sudden and sporadic they spend time together, he was really one of the few constants in her life.

... Seriously hoping no one hunts me down haha

[fizzydrink698]

I don’t blame reader for coming to that conclusion honestly. Poor girls been deprived of good head 😔 I know you said you left off on a “cliffhanger” bc you were avoiding writing an actual sex scene, but do you think you’d ever revisit/write a part 2 if you ever get more comfortable with writing stuff like that?

Ok ok I’m waving my white flag 🏳😭 (tho I still think I’d look like a toe next to them)

Idk man, something tells me it might’ve been wooyoung, tho I can’t quite put my finger on why 🤔 could that mutual friend have been maybe…. yeonjun or haknyeon? If Woo is his ex in this, who is he dating in Instinct? Just an unknown person?

I’m here for the bisexual bonanzas tbh, but maybe that’s just bc I’m very bisexual.

Off topic but I was watching The Princess and The Frog with my nine month old niece and Naveen very much reminds me of Bin. I had a fat crush on Naveen when I was a kid, (still kinda do tbh) maybe that’s why I bias Bin 🤔 my niece is also obsessed with my Dwaekki popsocket, she keeps trying to snatch it from me and put it in her mouth :/

I’ve been trying to stop being so silent abt giving feedback, because I’ve seen so many writers say they get kinda sad/discouraged when they don’t get any engagement for they worked so hard on. Plus you’re really nice and funny 😌

-🥝

i think a part 2 is definitely on the cards once i find writing spice a little easier, the dynamic between changbin and reader is one i really enjoy and i think future developments between them would be a great mix of snarky hotness and emotional bros being supportive. the best combination 😊

instinct!changbin is single at the time of instinct, but as for who he has dated in the past...well, stay tuned for that changbin/reader/hyunjin spin-off 👀👀

i am also Quite Bisexual. i enjoy it immensely, 10/10 sexuality

i haven’t seen Princess and the Frog in so long, but for some reason i had the tie-in Wii game and i played that sucker every day. the only game to this day i’ve 100% completed. aced all the minigames, unlocked all the restaurant decor and recipes, unlocked all the outfits for each character. i put time into that game.

yeah, unfortunately i’ve seen a lot of similar stuff from authors - especially those that fixate on numbers. it’s so easy to tie your sense of worth or a fic’s quality by whether it gets a lot of notes, but people forget that it’s pure luck. it has to be the right genre of fic at the right time under the right tag. the number of times i’ve found a fic blog with a big pinned announcement about how they’re closing bc of lack of engagement makes me so sad

i always adore feedback and chatting with mutuals and anons, but it takes a lot to also step back and try not to get too swallowed up by it. it’s something i still struggle with a lot 🤷‍♀️

ha, i’m flattered that you think i’m funny. i’m very used to 95% of my jokes falling flat on their face. but i make myself chuckle, so that’s what counts 😂

[seyaryminamoto]

I recently saw a video where GRRM talked about how he saw two different kinds of writers. He mentioned the gardener(planting the seed of an idea and letting it grow) and the architect(who plans out and organizes everything ahead of time). Obviously, every writer is a little bit of both but I was wondering which you relate to more and if you’d be willing to share some more about your own writing approaches and processes :)

I think I've answered similar questions in the past, but it'd be near impossible to dig it out in this ridiculously big, chaotic archive of my blog xD so I guess I'll answer it again, and if we come across the previous answers I've given, it'd even be fun to compare if there's anything different in the answer these days (?)

Personally, I think the best way to go about this is to have a mix of both things, but for me, it's in a very specific manner.

While I absolutely see the value in letting a story spiral and grow into whatever it wants to be, I have to say I don't think my best work comes from that. The lack of structure is similarly liberating and dangerous, because if your story's purpose isn't something you, as an author, have really made up your mind about, it's 100% possible that the story will end up going in very strange directions that MIGHT not make much sense, when you look at where you started out.

I've told this story a few times, but it bears repeating xD my first "serious" attempt at writing (by which I mean, I took it seriously, not that the content itself was super serious, since it was a trainwreck more often than not xD) started off as a perfectly happy romcom high school story! And tbh, to this day I love it as it is... but I know, I KNOW, that I totally warped the initial purpose and process of the story when, upon fulfilling the first bit of conflict in the story and leaving some massive loose ends I had to wrap up, I found myself at a loss because I had no idea how to continue. I was seriously, genuinely, at a loss for ideas and storylines to keep going. What, then, did I come up with?

... my happy romcom characters ended up embroiled in an organized crime catastrophe that has ZERO build-up in the first part of the story xD

(To the eagle-eyed who might have picked up something here... yes. That is 100% what I was poking fun at through Yang in Gladiator during the Fire Lord's Shadow arc. Yes. I mock myself. More accurately, I make Azula and Sokka mock my most questionable writing choices :'D)

Now, then, I had a very weird mess in my hands and I admit, it wasn't a great place to be at xD you see me now with my very, very small likelihood of falling into writer's block? Well, back then, I spent more time blocked than writing, for sure :'D and one of the reasons why that happened is because, while I had some ideas for what I wanted to write in the future? I didn't really have a set direction beyond "I want these and these characters as endgame relationships!", which is pretty much the most basic level of "plotting" you can pretend to do, as a writer xD And ironically, even then I was far more malleable and willing to experiment with whatever character combinations came up later, which even resulted in me discovering, well into writing a story, that some characters I absolutely did NOT conceive in a relationship were actually pretty good together! :'D

But that I had very little direction when I started writing that story was still a problem. I actually found more direction and built some more structure as I reached the last part of the story, and I will say, it's the strongest bit of it, by far xD (as evidence of what I'm saying, it was the first time I ever wrote an OUTLINE DOC! XD) but I have no doubts that, if I'd had the foresight to actually know where I was going, the story as a whole would be much much better, no matter how much I love it for what it is.

So! This particular writing experience of mine taught me countless things, among them, to actually ponder direction and purpose in stories instead of diving in blindlly. It's not really about having foreshadowing hints every ten minutes, which is what some people take as a sign of quality (I'll dare be quite controversial and say that not because you know what you'll write ten years down the line does it mean your story automatically makes sense... xD), it's about actually having a purpose in what you're building, a real direction, character arcs and plotlines that, to put it simply, work.

Therefore... I know for a fact that I can't be a full-blown plantser (or gardener) because I've tried it, and while I absolutely see the merits, the drawbacks are pretty sizable for me, and it just really doesn't work with my approach to storytelling.

Thus... If I MUST choose a category out of them both, I'd say I'm an architect, but the truth is I'm not an architect in the most strict sense of the word, either :'D

If you want a super strong building, you obviously need the best foundations for it. But you don't stop there, of course: erecting a building takes a lot of different efforts and processes if you really want your building to not only stand tall but to be a proper, decent place to live in. And while in real life, the reasonable thing would be to have a plan for each of those little details you have to build in, from filling the walls, to the type of flooring, down to even the decor... in writing, THIS is where I take the gardener approach! :'D

I don't know if I've said it in the past, but while sometimes I don't know how to start a story (which, despite my carelessness with the matter in the past, I've come to realize is a VERY delicate choice to make, one that can actually destroy my immersion in a story if it's a choice made carelessly), usually, I try to make myself think about where it's going, first of all. Currently, I have a few potential original projects rolling around in my head... and I don't know where they start :'D but I DO know where I'll take them, what the actual, ultimate climax of those stories would be. This, then, is the most basic foundation for a story, for me. I choose a destination, kinda, and then build the journey there :D

This is, loosely speaking, how I've built up Gladiator. And yet Gladiator, being the ridiculously big mess that it is, required a very unique plotting approach that I suppose might be at odds with a lot of what I've said so far xD yet it also remains true to a lot of what I've said here :'D

When I first started to ponder this story, the first plot point was obvious and instinctive: Sokka's capture. When Chaosconetic (the one who first gave me the idea for this story) suggested it, he didn't quite put forward the idea of having Azula being the one who captured Sokka personally. I thought of making Azula and Sokka first come face to face in this way because... honestly? Because I just wanted them to interact as soon as possible x'DDDD it complicated matters, of course, but that was absolutely something I could work with.

Yet... where was I going with this story? It was a rewrite of ATLA as a whole, so what exactly was the direction for the story? Clearly, Azula and Sokka would wind up falling in love, and how exactly would that come about? And beyond that, wouldn't it be a seeerious mess for this to happen in a setting where Ozai is STILL in power? Why, of course it would be! :'D It added a new layer of complications to the generally already complicated Sokkla relationship, and instead of it being kept secret or being a forbidden romance for the reasons canon-based stories typically make it so, it's BEYOND forbidden here because Ozai is still a very much active factor in this story, and he makes everything worse :D soooooo...

With these particular factors in mind, I had several things to think about. With Sokka fighting as a gladiator being the core of the story, I had to figure out who would be his rivals, and in doing so, figure out what his power curve as a warrior would look like :'D in doing so, I settled very quickly on Toph for his main serious rival, but Sokka wasn't the only one whose story I'd be telling: obviously, Azula's arc would be important too, as I'd have to work with developing her FAR MORE than I ever had before, and while Sokka's personal opponents would be important, Azula is the one who chooses Sokka as her personal warrior, therefore, she had to have a purpose in doing so. Said purpose then materialized when I decided to make use of Zhao's character for Azula's main goal and foil, and so, I needed Zhao to have THE best gladiator of all... and I didn't need to think about it too much before I settled on Combustion Man for the role :'D

Thus, those were small, isolated yet pivotal elements that I had to articulate into a structure that made sense :D they were small things I settled on pretty quickly, from the very first few days of plotting. I can say for certain that, by the third day, I already had settled on the climax (... can't decide whether that's a fortunate or unfortunate wording choice, tbh xD) scene of Part 1, when Azula and Sokka have their fateful fight in chapter 96, then finally succumb to their attraction and act on their feelings without holding back, in chapter 97 :'D I knew I wanted this to happen after Sokka hit a low point upon failing to defeat Toph, either for the second time or after losing against her far too many times that he just was too discouraged to keep going, hence, I knew what the lead-up to this would be from literally day THREE.

But beyond this? At like... day one or two of plotting, once I settled on Combustion Man as the ultimate man to defeat? I also settled on how Part 2 would end :> back then, I honestly had no idea how much time there would be between the events from chapter 97 and the upcoming culmination of Part 2, I wasn't anywhere near advanced enough with plotting to even KNOW I'd split the story into parts because it would get too big to handle xD But what I did know was that I needed these two situations to happen, situations deeply entwined with Sokka's role as a gladiator. Everything in between was variable, and it was stuff I could figure out slowly, along the way.

The ultimate direction of the story, though? That did take me a long time to settle on xD In fact, I think it took me well over a year after I got started to really figure out where I was going with all of this. A close friend helped me figure out things by offering many ideas for Zuko and Suki's storyline, basically tossing them at me in hopes that I'd make sense out of some of them... and I don't really know if she even knows how much that helped me xD I really spent a long time unsure of what I wanted to do, what I COULD do... until at long last, I settled on one slightly ambitious direction that eventually turned into what you'll all know as Part 3 :'DDDDD

So... yeah, that's why I say I'm being contradictory as heck xD Yes, I worked out some core details of the story since the very beginning, but it wasn't ALL the core details, let alone the ultimate direction of the story, BUT... in building up Azula's character arc, that direction slowly became clearer to the point where, when this particular possibility stared me in the face, I knew it was where we had to go, I realized that what I'd written over that year was leading up perfectly to that outcome.

Ergo, Gladiator is 100% a work of gardening and architecture, woven together to a point where I have a hard time remembering what, exactly, was the result of each thing. There's some things that I settled on early on, like I said, structure things... and then there are some parts where the characters just went wild and did things I did NOT expect them to do xD There's one scene coming up, right before the climax of Part 2, where Azula actually does something that I honestly WASN'T sure of doing... and yet I couldn't resist the urge to go forward with it, once the idea came to mind, and so I did it. And now I regret nothing xD was it necessary? Possibly not. Will some people find it weird and out of place? Maybe. But was it CATHARTIC AS HECK!? Aaaabsolutely friggin' yes XD pardon me for being so self-indulgent, but that's part of what being a gardener is about (?)

So, I really think the best stories benefit from a careful approach to mixing the principles of both ideas. I know that some gardeners think that a structure can stifle creativity (not necessarily true, if you sense a lack of creativity in anything you're doing, it IS up to you to turn it around, switch it up and make it interesting, right...?), I also suspect architects might think gardeners would be utterly unable to tell a good story altogether in virtue of letting the story run away with them (also not necessarily true, as the quality of a story isn't quantifiable as easily as that, gardeners might just make masterpieces without as much need of direction as I personally require: Philip Pullman apparently had no set direction in the His Dark Materials trilogy and I could swear that's some of the best storytelling I have EVER seen).

Ultimately, each person gets to choose their ideal approach and what exactly they're trying to do with their work, as well as how they want to do it... but if you ask me, if your characters never seem to pull you in unexpected directions, you might just need to rework them or approach them differently to give them more life. If they DO pull you in those unexpected directions, but you're not sure if you can follow them just because you need to follow structure, it's really up to you as the author to choose whether to sacrifice the life/creativity within your own work and stick to structure, or sacrifice structure and potentially cause your story's course to crumble :'D

It may sound like I'm advocating for gardening so much more, despite I've labeled myself an architect, buuuuut... ironically, a very complicated but VERY rewarding scene in Gladiator Part 3 damn near WRECKED my structure when I was writing it a few weeks ago :'D I literally had to take a day off from actually writing so I could make a list of ALL the elements that would be impacted by this change if I went forward with it. If I chose against it, I would have to rewrite the complicated scene in a different way, and it might have been waaay too weird to make it work. If I chose to keep it, I had to tread VERY carefully or end up potentially making a mess of the ultimate direction of Gladiator's story, even threatening the themes and nuance that I have been counting on since I settled on this direction. Thus, sometimes gardening can be dangerous. Very, very dangerous.

I THINK I found a fair enough compromise that allows me to keep the best of both worlds... but I hope I've made it clear that both ways of working have their pros and cons, and why even mixing both things can have pros and cons xD but this is also why I, personally, think that a writer benefits the most from figuring out at least a loose outline, the broad strokes of what they want to achieve in a story, and then figuring out the many ways in which they could fill in those foundations, in whatever way they're most comfortable.

And so, I have rambled plenty xD I hope that was thorough enough, my position in this particular subject is honestly to oscillate in the middle of both things, where part of your job as the writer is to determine which situation benefits more from either approach :D Like I said before, I've found structure isn't something I can sacrifice easily, but more often than not, letting the story flow, letting the characters make their own choices, can enrich your story rather than hinder it. So... I lay the foundations, the structure, so that seeds can grow inside it, if that makes sense xD

[jungleuniversity]

How I Improved My MCAT Score (509 -> 518)

Hi Everyone! I got back my new MCAT scores awhile ago, but I thought I’d write a post about how I achieved my score, with hope that it could potentially help another student. I know that while I was studying, a lot of the advice I saw on the internet was overwhelming and made me feel that my level of studying would always be inferior to what others were doing. The vast array of available courses, practice tests, and other services available certainly did not help either, as there is no reasonable way to complete every single resource that exists. In this post, I’ll go through a timeline of my basic study plan and explain which resources I used and why I think they are worth using. 

Stage 1 - Kaplan 7 book set and other content resources

I had trouble coming up with a time frame for how long it should take to go through the Kaplan set, which is why I simply called this part the “first stage.” Many guides I have read online mention strictly separated “content review” and “practice exam” phases of studying. Personally, that would never have worked out for me because I would have gotten anxious every time I got a question wrong during the exam phase. Instead, I spent about 3-4 months simply reading and taking notes out of the books, and then doing a mixed exam and content review stage. I used each book in the following ways, especially the second time I studied: 

Biochemistry - For the first half of the book I took detailed notes as if I were learning from an ordinary biochemistry textbook for a class. For the second half, I eased on the notes and started drawing out the different pathways. I think I wrote down the Electron Transport Chain pathway 10-15 times and the Citric acid cycle path about 50 times. I did not draw the shapes of compounds, but I won’t tell you not to do that either. 

Biology -  Same as the Biochem book. I did spend extra time on “high yield content” that's more difficult to memorize, such as actin/tropomyosin activity in muscle. 

Physics - I cannot stress what I am about to say enough. The absolute most important things to know from this book are the units. If you are truly stuck on a physics (or often chemistry) question, there is a very good chance you can use dimensional analysis to force your way to the right answer in a relatively brief amount of time. If nothing else, PLEASE learn the units behind every concept. 

Chemistry - Use the advice from physics, but I also took pretty heavy notes, especially in the first half, since there’s a lot of content that, despite being easier than biochemistry in my opinion, are foundational and will cause problems if you skip it. 

Behavioral Sciences - This was the section that brought down my first attempt score. I found that the premed95 anki deck that’s in circulation was helpful, but it made me incredibly lazy in studying to the point where I would pretend to be productive, while just looking at slides. I was desperate not to repeat my mistakes, so I brute forced my way through the Kaplan book this time instead. I didn’t take notes the way I did for other subjects - instead I hand wrote every single bolded word and definition in a notebook, organized by chapters. This took about a week and I did not study any other subject during this time. I don’t know if I would recommend this method for Behavioral Sciences for everyone, but the truth is that after I did this, my practice section scores went from 124 to 128-130. One thing to keep in mind though, the last few sections of the Physics/Math book are absolutely critical to the Behavioral Sciences section as they are the only resource within the Kaplan set which explain the research methodologies for both Psychology and Sociology. 

Organic Chemistry - I took sparse notes on this book. I think it's the least useful out of the 7 book set, and I often had to look to the internet and old organic chemistry class notes to clarify mechanisms and pathways. Nevertheless, make flashcards or write down reactions such as the Aldol condensation, which more likely than not will show up at some point. 

CARS - Skip this book. In my opinion, there are better ways to study this section. Most importantly, use the CARS question packs from AAMC. 

Stage 2 - CARS, Mixed Content Review and Practice Exams (2-3 weeks)

This is around when I started taking CARS much more seriously, so I would recommend starting earlier. I mainly focused on using the two AAMC question packs, although the KhanAcademy passages were also useful. The first question pack was definitely a bit more difficult and you might feel discouraged after going through half of it. However, I promise it does get better. Part of the change is that as you read explanations for why you get questions wrong, your skill will begin to improve. The other part is that the second half of the question pack, as well as most of the second question pack are more closely aligned with the difficulty level of the actual test. 

This was also when I began taking NextStep full length exams. (Insert surprised Pikachu face) My first score was a 501. Definitely not expected at the time, but it was a necessary wakeup call to understand where my content gaps were. 

After each exam I took from this point on, I would take the rest of the day off after taking the exam. Just relax, after taking a 7 hour exam, you deserve it tbh. The next day, go over the entire exam, question by question and take notes where you need to. I wrote very brief 1-line notes for questions I got right and understood, and more detailed notes for all incorrect questions as well as correct questions that I did not fully understand. This is important for two reasons: First, this allows you to know exactly where your content gaps are and understand how you can improve applying the concepts that you already know. Second, there’s only so many different things they can ask you on the MCAT. It might sound endless, but there are a finite number of concepts and you are bound to see very similar questions on future practice tests and also on the real MCAT. In my experience, writing down the explanation for the correct answers on missed questions ensured that I never get a similar question incorrectly in the future. Overall, next-step exams were alright, but their content felt incredibly low-yield. Now, studying low yield concepts is extremely important, but it's obviously detrimental if that's all you study. 

For the next month, I would alternate between taking next-step and AAMC full lengths, with breaks in between to review my content gaps. My highest Nextstep exam was a 512, but I tended to score around 507-508. My aamc exams, in order, were 519, 517, and 515. The downward trend was concerning, but I was honestly happy since all of those scores were higher than my target at the time, 513. Also, I falsely began to think that NextStep exams were extremely deflated. (They are, but not nearly to the extent that you might think.)

Finally, the day before my first exam: I couldn’t sleep at all, and I went against common advice of not studying on this day. As for exam day, just trust yourself and the studying you have done. My main advice beyond what anyone else will tell you is to keep a close eye on the clock. Several people who tested with me lost up to 5 minutes on CARS because they forgot to take into account the time during their lunch break. Not every test center will have digital clocks, and the one I went to only had a tiny analog clock near the area they check you in. When I asked a proctor for the time, he just laughed. So make sure you look at the clock and remember the time when your break starts. 

My score on the first exam turned out to be a 509. Not necessarily a bad score at all, but this score was much lower than what I was aiming for. It was disappointing, mainly due to the time I put into studying, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My behavioral sciences section severely pulled my score down, and there were a few content areas that I truly was not prepared for. I felt bad about it for about a week, and afterwards started studying again. 

Stage 3: Final Preparations 

Initially, I found it relatively difficult to study during the semester. One of my friends recommended I use UWorld questions to effectively use my time. This resource definitely helped me out when I felt like I simply did not have enough time to finish studying. They provide you with 1500 or so questions, categorized by section and sub categorized by topic. You can choose how many questions or passages you want to do in one sitting, and if you want it timed or not. After you finish, they provide you with personalized statistics for the session, as well as explanations for each question, which are saved and can be viewed at any time. Alongside simply rereading the Kaplan books, this is the best way to reinforce content knowledge. 

The final resource I used were the Altius exams. I purchased a pack of 5 on a whim because 1) I ran out of practice tests and 2) someone on reddit said these were severely under-appreciated. Well, that gamble paid off because I believe these exams are about as close as you can get to the AAMC full lengths, BUT they give you much more detailed explanations, and are just a little bit more difficult, so you actually end up feeling like the AAMC practice exams are a bit smoother and easier to pace yourself on. After purchasing, I had one month to take all five, as well as the then-recently-released AAMC FL #4. Altius exams were great, and honestly, my only “complaint” was that CARS felt a little bit too difficult to be as useful as it could be. I also studied Behavioral Sciences and Biochemistry the way I described in Part 1, since I felt like I underperformed on those sections. 

When second exam day approached, I forced myself to get a full night of sleep this, and it absolutely paid off. I was noticeably more aware during this test than my previous attempt, and corrected myself before making a bunch of silly errors. 

A month later, I found out I got a 518, which was higher than my original goal. 

Tl;dr: 

Studying for the mcat is expensive, and it can be hard to find advice on which resources are useful. 

In my opinion, only: Altius exams are amazing. UWorld is a great resource for content gaps and reinforcement, especially when you have sharp time constraints. Kaplan books are awesome for content review, but it should be fine if you buy an older edition (I used 2015).

[mistresseast]

A big thing too is there is no guarantee Atlus will do anything with what they baited in Royal and I know that's why I'm frustrated. I know a lot of people don't have confidence because nothing they've done with Goro makes sense, and its based on getting fans to spend money, not because they care about a character, so it feels like sunk cost? He's still left out of things and I wouldn't feel negative about Royal if I knew for sure they would bring him back. Ppl are tired of being baited.

If you were just after commiseration: ugh! I know!! It’s so frustrating! Atlus is bad in general about payoff and the problem is on glaring display with Goro. You’d think with a whole ass remake and all the money Vanilla made, they’d have the resources to figure out how to handle a complex character in a satisfying way, but those homophobes couldn’t write their way out a wet paper bag and the brilliance of Goro Akechi was almost certainly a happy accident.

If you want my more tough love advice and analysis: expecting a big company like Atlus (ESPECIALLY one with Atlus’s reputation) to deliver on the very specific stuff that fans like us want is indeed a one-way ticket to frustration. I won’t go into speculation about how the character of Goro came to be, but I will say that he feels like a character who was developed for one purpose and then as the writing went on he adopted more importance to the story but the initial plan for what happened to him didn’t adjust to match. Stuff like that happens in writing all the time, and particularly in stories as complex and with as many people working on them as p5. So when I feel like something about Goro’s handling doesn’t make sense, I try to look at it from that perspective. It’s not a deliberate mishandling or a disregard for the character; it was just an early-development failure to accurately predict what would be necessary for his specific arc. And imo Royal put a lot of work into fixing that, but the simple fact is that a truly satisfying outcome for this character would require some significant rewrites and adjustments to the basic fabric of the game, and the devs just aren’t in a position to do that, for lots of reasons. So no matter how much I like the third semester, nothing we were going to get was ever going to feel as complete as it could. So if you are holding out for canon content to somehow justify or validate all of the energy you’ve put into this character and shuake as a ship, then I’m sorry to say you’re probably right and that nothing we get will ever feel like enough. If you feel like that means being engaged with the story and characters isn’t worth it, then you should consider putting your time into something else, to save yourself the frustration. I can’t say how much of the “baiting” around Goro’s character is intentional, but I don’t have any confidence that this lingering feeling of incompleteness is going to be resolved, and I know that people do leave fandoms for that reason. Personally, I am pleased and compelled enough by what we have to stick around, and in fact I might prefer Atlus leaving well enough alone at this point. They’re notorious for wrecking character arcs and tbh I don’t trust them not to ruin Goro Akechi. They can just hand him off to us, it’s fine. We’ll treat him better.

As for Goro being left out of stuff, maybe I just don’t pay enough attention to the tie-in media, but I’ve never been as upset by that as I know a lot of people are. It’s disappointing that he’s not in Scramble, it really, really is, and I wish he could have had at least a cameo, but I also understand why he’s not there and it’s not a malicious choice by the company. Scramble was in development at the same time as Royal, so characters whose very presence would spoil Royal obviously couldn’t be included, which also leaves Sumi and Maruki in the lurch. It’s not ideal but it is understandable. Goro is in the dancing game, as well as pq2, and he just got to be a major part of the train mystery AR game that happened a while ago. He’s even getting a lot of love in the musicals, showing up early and getting more attention at this point in the story than he did in the actual game, almost like the writers are realizing his importance should have been seeded earlier and now, with hindsight, are able to correct some mistakes. He gets a lot of fun stuff in the anime, which I generally don’t like, but their handling of Goro is one of the things I approve of. Rokuro Saito, who writes the Mementos Mission manga, obviously likes him and puts effort into his appearances. I suppose I’m not really sure what he’s been “left out of” other than promo material and like,,, some official art. Due to the nature of who he is in the story, he’s a difficult character to work into things. The people creating this content walk a thin line between not wanting to spoil Vanilla OR Royal for folks who might still spend money to buy the game, and knowing that Goro’s status as a “traitor” means it’d be weird for him to just be included in group shots of the characters. Do I wish there was more content of him? Yes, but I also don’t really see a concentrated effort to leave him out of stuff.

I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, of course. I see sentiments like yours all over the fandom from people who clearly enjoy the story and care deeply about the characters, and I know exactly how frustrating and pointless it all feels. I toss and turn at night thinking about all the ways the game could have treated Goro better, treated Akira better, treated its own themes better, and sometimes I just want to claw my own skin off at all the wasted opportunities, But ultimately, I channel that discontent into my own creativity and appreciate the folks who work to make sense of the nonsense. It’s not a dealbreaker to me. These negative feelings only serve to remind me how much I love these characters, and I know none of us would rage so hard if we didn’t connect to this story in some way. But I can’t count on the source material to make me happy. That’s not the source material’s job. And in the end you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it to you to stick around for something that’s only going to keep disappointing your specific needs.

I don’t want to discourage people from coming to me to vent, but just know that I've been through the gamut with this fandom and I’ve got opinions about Everything, so if that’s not what you need, sorry! I just want to soothe negativity if at all possible but I know not everyone is interested in a lecture <3

[yndigot]

As for Thomas having never been in a space for gay ppl before, I suppose I can maybe reason around it if we consider that he’s from a small town; then he goes to live in a small village w a job where he’s hardly ever free(and any travelling he does do is also on the job); and he’s working class (and iirc most of those bars etc were geared more towards upper class gay ppl) and you could maybe only find these places if you knew what you were looking for. (Also him never having been to a gay bar in his life and possibly not even knowing they existed might also explain why he was so gosh darn bitter all the time lmao; literally no fun time for him at all)

I dig that people want to talk about this! 

I don’t think Thomas grew up in a small town! Mostly because while RJC changes the way Thomas speaks in different contexts, he does NOT change his own (real life) distinctive Manc accent, so I can’t really headcanon Thomas growing up anywhere but Manchester or very Manchester adjacent. That’s not a small town with no access to city life. (We can talk about why Phyllis doesn’t necessarily sound like she grew up down the street from him. That’s another post. I don’t think Thomas would have gone out of his way to acquire such a distinctive Manc accent, though, so it’s more believable to me that Phyllis has done some work to lose her accent, not that Thomas is faking his.)

If you decide to discount the Manchester of it all, then sure, he can be a small town lad who went to live and work at country houses and has spent most of his life in rural, isolated areas. But I still see problems with that.

I’ll actually believe that he never went to gay bar in Manchester because he’s a first footman in Yorkshire by (probably) his early-ish 20s, which means he probably went into service, possibly some distance from Manchester, at some point in his teens. Since he didn’t arrive at Downton until c. 1910, it’s possible he worked at another house as a hall boy before then. Relatively young. Especially if he was working at another country house, he probably wasn’t going to gay bars on his half day. I’ll also believe that he didn’t know there were gay bars in York because it’s a MUCH smaller city than Manchester, which I think probably makes the gay scene smaller and harder to find, and tbh, if he knew it was there, you’re right -- he wouldn’t have been so miserable. So. He didn’t know about queer spaces where he grew up, and he doesn’t know about them where he lives now. I’m with you so far.

But at least before the war,* he didn’t spend the full year at a country house in rural Yorkshire. He went up to London for the season with the Crawleys. Including one season where he was sneaking around with the Duke. He had all of gay London at his fingertips and never realised it was there? At all? Not even the Duke clued him in? The Duke definitely had access to the higher class places you mentioned. He didn’t even tell Thomas such places existed? Never took him there as a sort of pet? Also, Thomas has clearly been to disreputable clubs before since he knows exactly what sort of scam Dekner is running with Andy. He’s comfortable getting around London and socialising in his (admittedly limited) free time while working for the family. He never found his way to queer spaces?

Grantham House is in St. James’s Square, which is in the West End and VERY close to major queer hubs. He never saw anyone and clocked them? And maybe followed to see where they were going? He never went cruising? No one he hooked up with ever clued in him to places where queer men socialised? I mean, I know I’ve commented in other places about how Thomas is not always good at picking up signals, but I feel like he couldn’t possibly miss ALL of that. (tbh I feel like this is discounting the number of queer men in service generally before the war as well -- when they’re all in the city for the season, he never talks to these other men and none of them clue him in?)

And we’ve got this passage in Matt Houlbook’s Queer London.

The most distinctive venues were in working-class neighborhoods in east and south London -- dockside pubs like the Prospect of Whitby (Wapping Stairs) or Charlie Brown’s--(West India Dock Road). Dock laborers, sailors from across the world, and families mingled freely with flamboyant local queans and slumming gentlemen in a protean milieu where queer men and casual homosexual encounters were an accepted part of everyday life.

Okay, so admittedly, idk that Thomas was dragging himself out to east or south London in the little free time he had in London. And while there were definitely working-class places for queer men, they do seem to be less nightclubs with bands playing and more pubs and coffee shops and cruising venues where men tried to project a very masculine image, and also places where working class pretty boys would congregate and middle class trade would come to pick them up. Maybe he’s just shocked by the open dancing. (This is my generous interpretation of the movie -- that he’s shocked specifically about the fact that it’s a night club and it’s in York, and that ‘I don’t know men like me’ is a statement about his isolation, not about him literally not knowing where he could get laid, if not in York, then certainly in a bigger city.)

Anyway, working class spaces did exist! He seems so shocked not just by the open dancing, but by the idea that a large number of queer men are gathering, and I can’t imagine he’s never realised that queer spaces exist before or that he’s never spent time in them. I just ... have a hard time imagining he’s that sheltered and clueless. There have been chances for him to be exposed to queer spaces, if not ones exactly like the one we see in the movie.

It made for a very sweet moment when he stepped into that club and his face lit up. RJC did an excellent job. I don’t think Julian’s plotting around Thomas’s previous exposure to other queer people makes a lot of sense, though. I fully believe that he doesn’t have queer friends near Downton -- that maybe he’s never really made queer friends that he keeps in touch with (rather than casual encounters that immediately pass out of his life), and so he probably feels very isolated from gay life where he’s living now. I’m sure that contributed to his depression. I tend to think he may have had an extended period of celibacy, possibly since before his crush on Jimmy, which, again, probably contributed to his isolation and depression. I just think pre-war Thomas had to have been exposed to more than the movie suggests.

I’m not discouraging anyone from writing small-town, wide-eyed Thomas if that appeals to you. It’s just 100% not in line with what I felt we got in the 6 series that led up to that movie. To me, it doesn’t feel like it matches the set up from the show. I came out of the movie thinking that Thomas and Richard were very sweet, but wondering how, given what we’d seen of him previously, Thomas had made it to nearly 40, managed to fuck a Duke, comfortably navigated seedy London, possibly(?) knew he was getting cruised at a bar, and still seemed surprised not just that such a place existed in York, but seemingly that such places existed at all. (If he didn’t know he was getting cruised, idk what to do with him, tbh. I do think he realised that Chris was interested in him, though. He was surprised, but he knew what was going on.)

YMMV. I’m not mad about people having very different takes to mine. It just didn’t really work for me. I preferred the more knowing Thomas from earlier on. Does that have to do with the tens of thousands of words I’d written of him being more knowing and worldly about queer spaces before the movie came out? Possibly. That definitely made it harder for me to see him seem so sheltered. If I wasn’t already annoyed with Julian’s approach to Thomas at various points in the series, maybe that also would have made me more willing to buy in.

*I know they went down to London from time to time after the war -- I honestly can’t remember if they were still regularly participating in ‘the season’ after it started to decline as a central part of the social calendar, although I know they did at least do Rose’s season. Maybe they were still doing it every year. Someone’s free to let me know.

(Also this is very quick and messy, sorry.)