#it's so sad how both brothers felt so desperately unloved

[cookinguptales]

I am not for a minute the kind of person who believes that bio parents are always more important than adoptive parents, but I will say there is something so... wistful to the dynamic playing out in s3 of OMITB with Loretta and Dickie.

I grew up in a religious area with a strong emphasis on having and raising children, so... honestly, I've seen it happen before IRL. Couples who thought they couldn't have bio children so they adopt a child, only to then have a "real" child who they end up doting on far more. It's a cruel thing to do to a child, and it would be an even more awful dynamic if your brother was rich and famous and the whole world loved him. Especially if you know that it was your ideas that made him famous, but he was just so charismatic that he got the love and fame and accolades anyway.

I can only imagine how much Dickie longed for a family that prioritized him. That put his needs first. I can only imagine how much he wanted just one person to look at both him and his fancy, famous, selfish brother and choose him. I can't help but think that he wondered about his bio parents and why they, too, didn't want him.

And then for him to find this woman who's treated him more like a son than his own parents ever did, who is finally prioritizing his needs, who finally cares about his mental health, who is finally seeing his talent, and... he doesn't even know it, that she's his bio mother. That she always missed him, but assumed he was living a better life without her. That she always watched him from afar and loved him.

It's almost like something out of a neglected child's fantasies, isn't it? That he has a real parent somewhere who loves him desperately. That he really is special and precious and worthy of love; he just had to find the right person to give it to him.

But at the same time... how much will it hurt when he realizes who Loretta really is? When he realizes how much time they've lost? When he realizes how long she's stayed away? When he realizes that she's lied to him as long as she's known him?

Loretta has spent her whole life sacrificing her own happiness for his, staying away because she believed he was happier with his adoptive family, and then as soon as she meets him IRL... she does it again! She sacrifices for him in a way that ends up leaving him all alone again. It's both kind and terribly cruel, isn't it?

It seems like love and stability are two things that he's craved all his life, and they're two things that have largely been denied to him. His brother loved him, but he treated Dickie like dirt. (But still a possession to be hoarded.) His parents presumably love him to some degree, but they made it very clear to him that he was always the backup plan, never the talented, perfect bio child they actually wanted. Even Loretta, with her flighty, dreamlike Broadway lifestyle, could never have given him the stability he needed, even if she did love him.

idk, Dickie's a really fascinating character to me. He really, really creeps up on you, doesn't he? But I feel like I'm so invested in his happiness now. I really want him to finally get the life he's always wanted, even if it had to be born of a tragedy that he never asked for.

[da-rulah]

Just a sad pathetic unloved Cardinal falling in love for the first time

A few headcanons to satiate this brain rot... Enjoy!

SFW & GN Reader

He's so young when he falls in love for the first time

He has no idea what's happening to him, he has to ask his brother's advice

Secondo rolled his eyes and tells him to ask one of the others, he was far too busy to deal with his little brother's 'crush'. Terzo's only advice was him offering to give Copia a female anatomy lesson...

But Primo... he took him straight to the library, and gave him book after book, the very best of romance novels, to teach him what love truly was, and what it looked like...

He spent weeks reading the material as if it were his new Unholy Bible. He fell further and further into his daydreams, positioning himself and you as the protagonists in every story.

But it failed to give him the one thing he needed to talk to them... confidence.

Every time he would see you in the halls, the poor guy would blush and avoid eye contact. He feared your rejection more than anything.

He found himself writing letter after letter, trying desperately to pour his heart out to you without sounding utterly pathetic with each note, but he'd scrunch them all up and fling them into the trash can every single time.

You weren't dumb - you knew something was off with him... Why was he suddenly avoiding you at every cost? You were sure you'd even seen his foot leaving the windowsill of the ground floor corridor one morning as if he'd climbed out of it just so he didn't need to walk past you.

You decided enough was enough, and purposefully got in his way as often as possible then. He just remained the same, scurrying away as quickly as possible and stuttering with avoidance.

But when you sat beside him at Black Mass one Sunday, he couldn't escape.

You caught him looking at you often, each time his cheeks flushing red as he snapped his gaze back to the front. You saw him fisting at his cassock by his knees, fiddling nervously. You felt his muscles tense when you shuffled close enough that your thigh touched his.

After mass you'd cornered him, demanding to know what was the matter and why all of a sudden he was acting so strange around you.

He hadn't expected you to be mad at him, but he braced himself for rejection as he told you, hurriedly and in a jumble of vowels and consonants that he cursed himself for screwing up - but you got the message.

You stared at him in awe, wondering how on earth you had missed it... Perhaps you had been too busy looking inward at your own harbored feelings towards him to see it.

Because yes, of course you felt something for him. The annoyance at his avoidance had come more from a place of hurt than of actual anger.

You stepped closer to him, taking his leather-clad hands in your own as you explained exactly why he didn't need to be so frightened of you... because you had fallen for him too.

You couldn't have held him back if you wanted to - he lurched forwards to press his lips to yours in a desperately bruising kiss that the both of you had been daydreaming about for the longest time...

[witchthewriter]

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧'𝐬 𝐬/𝐨 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞

⤷ gender neutral, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!  

Warnings: swearing, major mentions of death and violence, spoilers, death of children, mental illness, mentions of previous torture. 

a/n: with the hunger games resurgance, I want to continue writing for these characters. I absolutely loved this series so much, it was an innate part of my teenage years. 

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ      

🌿ESTP 🍁Slytherin 📜Chaotic Neutral 🔮Scorpio Sun, Aries Moon, Aries Rising  

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈:    

Dance Me To The End Of Love by The Civil Wars (they featured on the song with Taylor Swift in the first movie)

𝑺𝑭𝑾🌿  

・You were never reaped, and never knew the personal/immediate experience of having to kill someone. However, your oldest brother was in the Hunger Games, a few years after Johanna. So, you knew the pain of losing a loved one. 

・Helping each other transition into a world where the Hunger Games no longer exists

・In a world where the Capitol doesn’t rule with an iron fist 

・After the events of Coin’s death, Katniss and Peeta go to district 12 to live out their days in peace

・Johanna still plagued by the torture and trauma she endured, didn’t know what to do. 

・No family, no friends, so she hid herself in the apartment that Commander Paylor gave to her (all living victors were given an apartment. But the catch was that they had to go through therapy)

・Johanna refused to go to the appointments. She was adamant that it was stupid, it wouldn’t help. 

・And she drowned in her own sadness 

・It took her 3 months to begrudgingly go to an appointment

・It was a group therapy session. Katniss and Peeta weren’t there as they lived in District 12 and didn’t live off of Paylor’s generosity

・It was a small group, and when Johanna looked around at the other victors, she saw herself. Hurt. Broken...the feeling of something that was taken and they could never get it back

・You were apart of the healers. Not a therapist, but a protegee underneath Ms Everdeen - yes, Katniss’ mother

・She shined in the Capitol; given the best treatment for everything she suffered 

・And you were lucky enough to be her assistant. 

・Learning the art of healing wasn’t easy

・But the opportunity was too good to let pass by 

・Ms Everdeen was a quiet woman, but when she taught, there was a light that began to shine. With each comment, lesson, tutorial and experience - she began to glow and glow. 

・But you soon learnt that bringing up either of her daughters was... bad. Her light dimmed whenever their names were mentioned; even talking about the plants was difficult for her. 

・She loved Prim, her youngest who looked like her. Who never judged her, only had love in her heart for everyone. Katniss was so distant, it felt like a death

・Johanna felt safe with Ms Everdeen. It was an interesting dynamic. She somewhat... stepped into a maternal role for the young victor. A role that Johanna desperately wanted filled but would never admit

・That’s how you met Johanna; in all her hardened exterior. Someone unloved but not unlovable. 

・Your relationship started off very clumsily; she saw you as another therapist - therefore an enemy. 

・You didn’t take much of a liking to her either 

・It was a conscious effort to be curteous 

・And Ms Everdeen pushed you toward Johanna

・Call it a mother’s intuition 

・And that intuition spurred a tight friendship. Johanna eased into your company (not without a fight) 

・You showed her moments into your world and in response, she displayed glimpses into her own

・And then you formed a tight bond. Best friends. Always doing things together, eating, spending all your free time with her

・You even inspired her to go to the therapy appointments 

・And although there were a few hiccups along the way, Johanna started to heal

・From then on she wanted to know what this new world had to offer

・ You both explored what the new Panem was, how Paylor had changed the old ways into something new. A united nation, where everyone reaped the benefits of food, shelter and safety. 

・There were no games after the rebellion. Paylor made sure of that:

   “We didn’t let people sacrifice their lives for a world where we go on sacrificing. We are one now. Panem will never be the same.” 

・Now with a new sense of freedom, you saw a change in Johanna. You knew what it was - hope

・This newfound hope made Johanna realise that ... she could do whatever she wanted. There wasn’t a reason why she couldn’t. She had survived. 

・The very next hour, she had walked right up to you and kissed you fiercely 

・It wasn’t the best place to snog; right in front of Ms Everdeen, but when you pulled apart you glimpsed over at her and saw her smile 

・Being with Johanna is like the like winter. Having a fire to keep yourself warm is cosy but when it gets out of hand - it will leave you with nothing but ashes. 

・You moved in together, a three bedroom apartment that wasn’t too far from Ms Everdeen’s place. You both felt too guilty leaving her.

・Once there was a time that you invited Peeta and Katniss to come and stay, but Peeta wrote back that Katniss wasn’t ready. 

・As a partner, Johanna is hot-headed but also playful and teasing

・She loves ruffling your feathers (never too much though, she never wants to push you away)

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔  

Complete And Utter Badass, Rather Monstrous (Johanna) x Their Ray Of Light Who Has Them Wrapped Around Their Finger (You)

Confident & Flirty (Johanna) x Has Never Been Flirted With Before, Thinks They're Just Being Nice (You)

Snarky Power Couple That Can, And Probably Will, Destroy You

𝑹𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆  

You Make Me Want To Be A Better Person

𝑯𝒆𝒓 𝑷𝒆𝒕 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒀𝒐𝒖

At first it was your last name. She would say it with such coldness, and unkindness. A forced tone that she used. On the outside she hated you, and yet on the inside... she had a burning passion for you. Through the progression of your relationship, you could tell how she felt about you with how she said your last name. 

𝑯𝒆𝒓 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝑳𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒖𝒂𝒈𝒆

Acts of Service and Quality Time. 

Johanna hates all that sappy lovey-dovey talk, and she’s still healing with the aspect of physical touch. So the way she shows her affection is through doing things for you and spending time with you. And then she starts to do those little signs of affection; kisses on the cheek, moving hair out of your face, wiping any food from your mouth etc. PDA is pretty much a no no. But when someone tries ANYTHING with you, then she will kiss you so hard, showing that you’re hers. She’s very protective ... well possessive, over you. 

𝑵𝑺𝑭𝑾 🔞minors dni!

・The first few times you had sex with Johanna, it was angry sex. The kind where you barely kiss each other, and the headboard is banging, and it doesn’t last too long. Then afterwards it’s not spoken about

・It was difficult, in all honesty. Because you felt used

・But Johanna was trying to hide a part of herself. A deeper part that she’s hidden behind a wall of imenetrable steel. A wall only she can knock down. 

・So it took time - 

・But in that time, you expressed your discomfort at the lack of a deeper connection

・And your relationship was put on hold for a bit until Johanna could open up to you. 

・Your relationship progression made sex more and more softer, intimate, slower. 

・She wasn’t so rough

・And you realised she would barely kiss you during sex. But now, with her walls down, she couldn’t stop kissing you 

・Johanna’s lips were warm, but still with an edge of savagery. Nips here and there, she loves leaving marks, bruises, and hickies.

・She likes leaving them where other’s can see - 

・Johanna needs people to know that you’re taken

・A big thing with her is foreplay. She loves making you whine, beg for more. 

・SHE LOVES TO TEASE

・Sex toys? Yes. Vibrators, strap ons, dildos, anal beads etc. She would own the lot (and you guys keep everything in your ‘sex’ drawer)

[tokoyamisstuff]

This Is New For Me

Loki x Reader

Summary: Life on Asgard can be straining - especially if the God of Mischief has taken a liking to you.

Warnings: Loki being so terrible at flirting it physically hurts, bullying, this got way angstier than I initially intended

Words: ~2800

A/N: I’ve written this trying to distract myself from personal problems, but honestly I can’t think straight rn. Dunno I kinda hate how this turned out but here you go I guess...sorry.

Loki Odinson must really despise you.

No matter how often Thor would stand up for his brother and try to justify his behavior, there was no other explanation for you other than that he must truly hate you with every essence of his being.

In the beginning, having been invited in the palace to train magic under the Allmother sounded like a once-in-a-lifetime chance - yet all that’s left from your initial excitement had been replaced by pure annoyance.

Lately, whenever you knew that you had to attend class with that certain raven-haired prince, your insides would churn before you even arrived.

Weeks have turned into months, never once ceasing his condescending remarks or childish pranks. Of course, he wasn’t called the God of Mischief for nothing.

All nine realms had tales to tell about his sheganinans - yet with you, he seemed especially invested. There was not one encounter where he could leave you at peace, always ending with you being victim to his wicked humor. 

The man did not seem to respect you at all - and it made you furious.

Today, you’d show him just what you were capable of!

“Greetings, great Allmother.” Polite as always, you bowed deeply in front of your queen, her magnificent presence still making you jittery beyond belief.

“No need for formalities, my lovely student” she responded heartily, only making you admire her even more - until a loud, exaggerated sigh cut through the calm atmosphere.

“Her again?” There he stood, maintaining his defensive pose as he rolled his eyes at you. “Mother, why would you keep on bringing a lowlife like her to defile this holy place?”

This was probably the millionth time that Frigga apologized deeply for her son’s behavior, and you were always amazed by her patience with him. How could a person so formidable end up raising such a troublemaker?

But then again...if she believes that there is good in the God of Mischief, then so would you.

“For today, I have prepared a spell that can only be cast by two mages at once”, Frigga explained, while Loki would still not bid you a single look. “So throughout this lesson, you will need to work together to succeed.”

Irritation was clearly visible on his face - and if you were perfectly honest, you weren’t really fond of that idea either. Yet if it was your scolar’s wish, none of you would protest.

“Spontaneous creation of complex concepts puts a huge stroll on one’s mind and body, so do not be frustrated if it doesn’t work within the first try.”

The idea was simple: Create a blooming meadow in midst of the palace floor, since creating life would be way too complex - only masters of the sorcery arts could take this spell to completion.

You and Loki were now sitting on the bare floor in front of each other and only now you realized how tense he had become, sweat dripping from his forehead and biting his bottom lip.

Was your presence really so terrible that he couldn’t bear with it?!

“Hey” you whispered, taking his hands to form a ring just as instructed “Don’t worry, we’re gonna get this!”

“I don’t need your encouragement...” he spat between gritted teeth, now that you noticed his palms were just as sweaty as his face seemed to be.

One second. Two, tree...fourty....a hundret and two...

“Relax” Loki repeated to himself as if it was his mantra - but now, with your fingers entangled in his? Sheer impossible.

Distraught, he shot his mother a desperate look, just for her to point  towards you, sitting cross-legged and seemingly completely relaxed.

Since your eyes were closed, Loki took this chance to observe every detail of your face, without having to fear that you’d notice his little infatuation.

By the norns - you were as fair and bewitching as always. So way, way out of his league. An unreachable, vigorous being. No angel, valkyrie or similar could ever reach up to you - at least in his eyes.

Was this what they called love at first sight? Loki only knew those sentiments from novels he always ridiculed before he got to know you.

Slowly and steadily, Loki aligned his breathing pattern with yours, picturing the cycle of energy the two of you formed. Carefully, he began infusing you with his magic, trying his best to allow yourself do the same to him.

Another minute passed by and you were finally able to let your magic flow through each other’s bodies entirely, like a serene stream.

With things being like this, he felt so different from the Loki you knew.

His magic was strong, indeed - but so gentle, warm and somehow comfortable to be coated with. You wondered-

“HEY!”

As soon as Loki slapped your hand away, breaking the cycle, all of the flowers that had previously bloossomed through you would wither in an instant.

“What the hel do you think you’re doing, you mewling quim?!” Loki shoutet as loud as his lungs allowed him to, while his mother’s face distorted in second-hand-embarrasment at her son’s choice of words. “Who do you think you are?!”

“I-I’m sorry, I just-” You only wanted to scan his emotions through the magic bond you shared, just peek under the cover for a mere second - what was he so afraid of you to find?

“Know your place, woman!” The god pointed at you before he rushed up, ignoring the ache in his heart as he saw your face contort in sadness. “You are beneath me, never forget that!”

Why were you even surprised?

“You’re right” you sniveled quietly as you balled a fist in your dress, and Loki hated himself so much that he wished to just disappear. “My apologies. You don’t have to put up with me ever again.”

As always, instead of fighting, you made your leave without ever fighting back.

Frigga’s pleads for you to stay and talk this over were all for naught when you rushed away, muttering curses directed towards youself rather than anyone else.

Instead of scolding her son, she’d punish him through her silence, furiously shaking her head as she rushed away as well.

Why did he always have to ruin everything?!

The God of Mischief was very well aware that whenever you were close, his mind went completely blank - and that made him panic.

Never before he had felt so goddamn vulnerable in front of anything, terrifying him beyond belief.

And Loki loathed that feeling: Losing control over himself, being reminded once again how alone and  unloveable he is, facing a goddess as stunning as you are every single day.

So he concluded it to be best to cope like he did all those millenia: Cover up those insecurities, shove his anxieties in the back of his heart and protect his heart from anyone coming close.

Good thing you believed that presumptupus, disoblinging duplicity of his to be his true self.

That would make it easier for the both of you, having as much distance as humanly possible. Vicinity could become dangerous terrain.

Yes, he would only save you some time - it would be a waste if you would try to actually give him a chance, just to be let down by what kind of disappointment he truly was.

But it wouldn’t end here - since the only way Loki Odinson first and only communication was through causing mischief.

A scream of yours startled the servants early in the morning, with your personal maiden being the first to rush to your side.

“Milady, wha-” She stopped in her tracks as she saw you standing in front of the mirror, touching your scalp in disbelief, where everything had been cut short.

That was it. Enough of it!

Dismissing the servants, you took a scissor and tried to at least make an acceptable hairstyle out of the mess he had made, before you would leave to the royal garden.

“You!” Pointing towards Loki, innocently sitting on a bench to watch the sunrise, you screamed and let a strand of hair run from your fingers to the floor. “You did this!”

“Now relax, would you” he chuckled, wearing his smug grin like a trophy as he defendingly held his hands into the air. “You should be grateful, it looks much better like this.”

Next thing he knew was the feeling of your backhand, mercilessly crushing against his collarbone.

Usually, you’d be shocked at yourself, for you had never been a person to choose violence ever before - but right now, you were too full of anger and hurt to even realize.

“You conniving craven pathetic worm!” you exclaimed, breathing heavily as you swung yet another fist towards the prince - however, he grabbed your wrists, trapping you in his hold.

In his life full of wrongdoings, he had been called worse than that - yet still, hearing insults coming from you of all people shot arrows through his heart with every word escaping his lips. Not that he’d ever admit, though.

“It was just a little prank.” Loki would’ve never thought that his actions would affect you this much. “What are you so worked up about?”

“All this time I believed there could be a good person beneath all that...but now what?” The compassion you detected in his eyes were only upsetting you even more. “You are a selfish, cruel and terrible person, and I gave up on you.”

Loki let go off of you, staring at you in disbelief:

You actually believed in him, all this time?! That was impossible!

If anything, the Odinson had always believed you to ignore his existence completely, if he wouldn’t use such drastic measures to attract your attention.

“Wait a second, I-”

“I hope you know that you deserve to be alone...” you sniveled, turning around to face him one last time before you fled the scene. “And you always will be.”

Several minutes had passed until Loki had given up in silencing he voices inside his head that told him you were right: He was indeed a despicable being, tainting your pure goodwill - repelling anyone that would still be willing to give the God of Mischief a chance.

Out of a whim, he jumped up from his place, wanting to rush after you. He was very well aware that he was probably beyond forgiveness by now, yet he at least wanted to make things up to you - even though he had no clue where to start.

“Calm down, Lady Y/N.”

Thor’s voice drang to Loki’s ears just a mere second before he saw that particular heart-wrenching scene unfold in front of him:

You were lying in his brother’s arms, crying to your heart’s extend while soothed you, softly petting what remained from your hair.  Loki remained hidden in the shadows, even though his guts told him to stab his brother right here and now.

“My brother...you know-” The God of Thunder was trying to find the right words, even though poetic speeches were not really his forte. “It’s just his speecial, twisted way of interacting. Who knows where he got that from.”

“I rather wonder if he realized how his behavior truly makes me feel” you snapped back, unwilling to keep defending him. “Weak and worthless, that’s how I feell. And every time our ways cross, he’s making it worse!”

By the gods, Loki never wanted to make you feel that way, let alone think such ways about yourself! He of all people, who knew best what its like to feel unfit and nowhere near enough.

Loki grabbed the fabric of his shirt tight, feeling that his heart might burst if he didn’t. It took everything in him to not let out a loud sob and be caught - but then, his brother snapped him out of it with an impossible question:

“Do you still love him?”

“L-Love might not be the right word, I mean-” Lately, you had let Thor in on your secret admiration for his younger brother. “With the way he’s treating me, and all-”

You just couldn’t help being drawn to him against all reason. After everything you had endured, just to be close to him - and he never even acknowledged your feelings.

And still, here you were, crying over a man that didn’t want you.

“Lady Y/N?”

Loki’s voice made you panic, immediately wriggling out of Thor’s embrace. The Odinson understood immediately, nodding towards his brother before leaving the two of you alone.

“Since when have you been standing there?!” Panic dropped to your stomach, wondering just how much he had heared.

“From the very beginning.”

Before you could even think about what to do now, Loki summoned a dagger, cutting off his raven locks in one swift move. “Wha-”

“Please, accept this as means of apology.” The man now dropped to one knee, humbly facing the ground. “I have never intended to make you doubt your most perfect self.”

Frantic, you were scanning his voice, face, anything for the slightest hint of a lie - but nothing. Loki seemed determined and sincere when he looked up to you, hesistantly taking a hold of your hand.

“This is new for me...” he uttered under his breath as his lips graced your knuckles, and only now you realized that he was trembling ever so slightly. 

“I-Is that another trick?!”

“What kind of vicious being do you think I am?” Well, after everything he had commited it was only natural of you accusing him. “There are lines not even I do not cross.”

Only for a brief second your heart felt a little bit lighter, as his eyes were locked with yours, lost in this moment you have been waited for so long...

...a little too unexpected, right?

Suddenly, you tugged your hand away, and Loki could only sigh in frustration. Of course it won’t be that easy for him to gain your trust. “I don’t need your pity, Loki...”

No matter how he racked his brain around the matter, he had burdened your shared past probably beyond the point of repair.

That would be his last chance, maybe the last time he’d ever see you again. He was so desperate in his attempt, and yet - what else could he do?

So for the first time in millenias, the God of Mischief decided to speak from the heart for a change:

"Y/N, I-I...As I said, this is new for me, so...” he cleared his throat before continuing, stress literally dropping out of every pore. “From the first day we’ve met, you...I mean...you were the most magnificent being I ever laid eyes upon, and...when I think about it now, I-I may be enarmored with you.”

Your eyes widened at this wholeheartedly confession, a sincere smile playing on his lips in contrast of sole tears running down his face.

Never before you had seen him like that: Flustered, vulnerable, and honest...

“I thought to be unworthy of your affection, so I tried to belittle you, to...I don’t even know. I’ve been told many times I am quite assertive of anyone but myself. I-I mean, I am a mess...I don’t understand my own feelings and thus drive away any chance of happiness, and...how could you ever-?”

“Mhh...” you silenced the man as your lips crushed over his, falling straight into his arms. It took Loki quite a second to fully grasp the situation before deepening the kiss, his arms wrapping around you as if you’d disappear if he was to ever let go.

“Y/N...” the prince gasped when your lips parted from that breathtaking kiss - and this time it was you who wore that thug grin on your face.

"Apology accepted” you giggled, just to smother the face of this flabbergasted man in yet another thousand smaller kisses.

This had to be a dream, he thought...and immediately, a wave of guilt washed over him. He did not deserve this in the slightest.

“Now, don’t give me that look.” Cupping Loki’s face in your hands, you gifted him that heartwarming expression he had ignored for so many years, thinking it was not meant for him. “That kiss wiped my memory from everything you’ve done...by now.”

Out of sheer, genuine happiness, Loki leaped from the floor and excitedly swirled you around in his arms.

After another kiss that would kick the air right out of your lungs. the god would peck a more gentle one afterwards, as sweet and tender as no one ever thought he could be.

Even if it’s gonna be a long way, Loki would prove to be worthy of your love.

“Lady Y/N...if you are to believe in me, then I swear I will be on my best behavior from now on!”

"Let's see about that."

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Alive Again Part 3

Harry Potter AU 

Link to Part two

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader 

Rating: T

______

You were the first to wake up the next morning. Turning on your side, you were relieved to see Regulus lying beside you. You smiled, resisting the urge to gently kiss him. He looked so peaceful sleeping. You reached out, stroking his cheek.

“You're staring at me again, aren’t you?”

Regulus asked, not opening his eyes. You giggled and finally pressed a kiss to his cheek. The two of you had finally fallen asleep around four am. You prayed that Astaria would sleep in. If only an hour or two later than normal would be fine. You needed some time with Regulus alone. Judging by his own desperation to keep you under him, he needed this time just as much.

“Maybe I am.”

You replied tracing your finger over his lips. He threw an arm around you to pull your body back to his.

“You’re too far away. Keep me warm, woman.”

He said opening one eye with a smirk. You threw your leg over his hip to prevent either of you from moving too far from the other.

The sound of Evan’s voice coming from the dining room got both of your attention. Regulus poked his head up first hearing his best friend.

“You know he won’t believe anything.”

You said, darkly. It didn’t take being Evan’s sister to know how he would react. Evan would believe anything that Voldemort told him and nothing Regulus would say. It didn’t matter that Regulus was his best friend and had put together some secret that the dark lord didn’t want to be figured out. Your prior thought about Evan grabbing an ankle for Voldemort returned.

Regulus stood up and began to dress.

“I know he won’t. I also don’t think my mother will enjoy being told that her way of thinking is wrong either. My suggestion, my love, is to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.”

You were fixing the bra that Regulus had torn off of you before you looked up.

“Where will we go?”

Regulus’ eyes flickered in your direction before giving you his best scowl.

“Just do what I say.”

Regulus kept his eyes on you as if silently pleading with you. He would never be the begging type and you knew it. It didn’t take growing up together to know what Regulus was and what he was not.

“Fine.”

You replied. Regulus quickly closed the distance between your body and his. His right hand tilted your face to him.

“You're still such a stubborn girl. It's no wonder that I fell so hopelessly in love with you. Like I said last night...it's time to see how brave you really are.”

Regulus followed you downstairs to the dining room. From your place by the door, you could see Walburga watching Evan interact with Astaria with an expression of approval. Evan was the closest thing that she had to Regulus when he “died.”

Astaria meanwhile was busy playing with a stuffed owl that Evan had given her. She sat happily in her uncle’s arms and would smile up at him coyly every few moments. Astaria, being only two, already knew how to work her uncle to her advantage. When Evan was around, if she wanted something then she knew who to go to. If she squeezed out a few tears and lip wiggles then BAM instant whatever it was.

“She looks so much like her father. I feel like Regulus is looking back at me sometimes.”

Evan said with a sad smile.

“Daddy’s sleeping with mummy.”

Astaria said as she continued to pet her new stuffy. Walburga’s eyes fell to her granddaughter. The older woman hadn’t said anything to Evan about Regulus being alive. She was going to leave that to her son as she still had questions that needed to be answered too.

“What did you say, sweetpea?”

Evan asked, wanting to make sure that he had heard his niece right. The little girl looked up with a sassy frown. At two years old, she didn’t like repeating herself.

“Daddy is sleeping with mummy.”

Regulus nudged your forward when Evan’s face went white. He had heard his niece right. What did that mean? There was no way…

The moment that Regulus walked into the room with you, Evan nearly passed out. He rubbed his hands over his eyes a few times. Evan wondered if this was actually some drunken dream and not reality.

“See?”

Astaria said, not bothering to look up at her uncle’s stunned face. All that she knew was her daddy and mummy were right across the room. That was all that mattered other than petting her new toy.

“Regulus…”

Evan stuttered. You knew your brother was within an inch of losing it.

“I felt the same way, Evan. This is no joke.”

Regulus didn’t meet his mother’s gaze. He kept his attention locked on Evan’s petrified face.

“How are you alive? The dark lord said…”

Regulus motioned for you to get Astaria. He was ready for this conversation to go south very quickly. When Evan Rosier was backed into a corner, he would be the first to last out at anyone that was nearby. Now he was about to be told that he was in the wrong on everything...he would resume his “ready to kill” temper. Regulus would make god damn sure that Evan wouldn’t lay an unloving hand on you or Astaria.

“You need to find new friends.”

Regulus said, casually. Evan’s shocked expression turned into confusion.

“What is that supposed to me?”

“Exactly what I said. I didn’t stutter.”

Regulus snapped as you returned to his side. Evan stood up as his mind was finally able to begin to work again.

“Are you saying that you doubt our master?”

Regulus chuckled.

“He isn’t nothing to me of that nature.”

Walburga was the next one to speak. She was tired of her youngest son ignoring her and she was not to be ignored anymore.

“Regulus Arcturus Black, what are you saying?”

Regulus turned his attention back to his mother. He was about to rock her world and for once he didn’t care. This time Regulus would not try to calm his mother so she wouldn’t lose her temper. Walburga could go crazy for all Regulus cared. She could scream, throw things, cry like a baby if she wanted but Walburga was about to be told.

“I’m saying that everything you ever taught me, everything that I ever believed is wrong. Both of you are foolish for believing in a thing that Voldemort has to say. Evan, if you were smart you would grab something valuable and run for it.”

Evan looked disgusted by his best friend’s words.

“What happened to you while you were at the bottom of that lake? Did almost becoming an inferi teach you nothing? The dark lord is not to be messed with and what you are saying is a one-way ticket to death...that you won’t escape from.”

Regulus only blinked.

“Are you threatening me? I suppose you are going to run right to Voldemort and tell him everything? I guess I should be frightened. Tell him that I said hello and know his secret.”

Evan’s surprised expression had turned furious.

“Y/n, get away from him. Get Astaria and come to me at once.”

You looked between Evan, Walburga, and Regulus. Stepped closer to Regulus, you let him wrap his arm around your waist. He gently took Astaria into his arms tucking her head against his shoulder.

“My place is with my husband.”

You stated defiantly. Evan was seething.

“You’ll be hunted like animals. If you think that I won’t tell him the truth...you’re both mistaken.”

Evan started for you but was stopped when Regulus hexed him.

“Do what you have to.”

He replied before turning his attention to his mother.

“Au revoir, mere.” (good bye, mother)

Regulus quickly apparated the three of you from Grimmauld Place. The next thing that you knew, you were standing outside of a small brick home.

“Reggie, where are we?”

You questioned as he placed your daughter back in your arms. Astaria was looking around, totally confused herself. Regulus glanced over his shoulder before knocking on the door. He chose not to respond. Regulus could have told you that you were about to see him “kiss ass” but decided not to.

“Somewhere safe.”

A moment later, Sirius opened the door. His mouth fell the moment that he saw his younger brother, whom he thought was dead on his doorstep. Sirius blinked a few times before being able to close his mouth.

“Please tell me that you are real.”

Regulus reached out and pinched Sirius’ arm hard causing the older brother to yelp.

“Is that real enough for you?”

Regulus questioned. Sirius nodded before meeting your gaze. The two of you haven't spoken since before you married Regulus. He had tried to persuade you to say no to the engagement. There were no romantic intentions (you knew that he was happy with Remus) instead, it was Sirius worrying about your safety.

“Y/n!”

His eyes finally fell on the niece that he didn’t know that he had. Sirius didn’t have to ask questions. He knew that was his niece.

“Can we come in?”

Regulus finally asked. He was getting the hint that Sirius was still in a state of shock and the whole “being safe” thing was beginning to evaporate.

Sirius quickly moved aside. This was something that he never expected. After he received your owl about Regulus dying, he couldn't get back to you. It was exactly what Sirius said would happen.

“Sweetie, he is so in deep with the death eaters that you will end up a widow by 20.”

Now it appeared that he was wrong about everything. His little brother was alive. He still looked as cocky and arrogant as he did the last time that Sirius tried to talk him out of joining the death eaters. Sirius tried not to let his mind go there but he couldn't help it…

“Don’t do it, Regulus. I’m begging you. You can come to our side. No one will hurt you. You're my brother and I can’t let anything happen to you.”

Regulus stood with his hood up. All that Sirius could see was his mouth and chin. Regulus did everything that he could to conceal his identity.

“I am no one to you. You made that perfectly clear years ago.”

Sirius wanted nothing more than to grab Regulus and shake him.

“You know that isn’t true. I begged you to come with me. I could have taken care of you.”

Regulus sneered.

“No, you wouldn’t. You would ignore my existence just like you do at school. Don’t you dare say you won't because you fucking do. It's too late anyway.”

Sirius was going to regret asking but he had to.

“What about Y/n? Do you want to make her a widow by the time the two of you are 20?”

Regulus chuckled.

“We have an understanding.”

He quickly unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt enough to pull the sleeve up. Sirius looked ill the moment that his eyes landed on the dark mark...just like that his innocent baby brother was gone never to return….

It was Remus that pulled Sirius from one of his worst memories. Remus had been reading a new book but was staring at Regulus. He too was clearly stunned and confused by the youngest Black brother’s apparent existence.

“I’m confused.”

Remus stuttered. He met your gaze then froze the moment that he saw the little girl in your arms. He had no idea that you were pregnant. Sirius said nothing about it. From the heartbroken expression on Sirius’ face, Remus knew that his lover didn’t know. Had he known, Sirius would never have missed this much time in her life.

Regulus sighed.

“I am going to say this once and will never speak of it again. You all were right about the dark lord.”

Sirius blinked. Had this situation been different, he would have said something snarky. Today he couldn’t.

“It's taken you a long time to figure this out.”

Remus said, calmly. Regulus smirked.

“This long and lying at the bottom of a lake nearly drowned helped me come to my senses.”

Remus winced and found that he was unable to meet Sirius’ gaze. Sirius had blamed himself for Regulus’ fate since the day that he got the letter from you about his death. There had been many nights that Sirius would cry himself out of tears after drinking all of the alcohol in the house. Only Remus knew this fact…

“I don’t think Astaria should be hearing this.”

You said, gently. Sirius nodded. The little girl was looking intently between her father and Remus.

Sirius stepped forward and knelt down to Astaria’s level. You had sat her down a moment before. She had waddled over to Regulus’ leg and was holding onto his robes.

“Hi, there sweetheart. I am your uncle Sirius. Do you like ice cream?”

Astaria nodded but didn’t let go of her father. Sirius smirked. There was no DNA test needed on who this child belonged to. She had that same calculating reserved expression that Regulus wore 95% of the time.

“It's alright.”

Regulus said, gently to the child. Astaria finally nodded. Sirius met your gaze with a smile.

“I have some ice cream if you want to go to the kitchen.”

You stepped forward and picked the little girl up.

“That will be nice. I’ll let you all talk. It's nothing that I don’t already know.”

Sirius waited until you were out of the room to face his little brother. He had to fight the urge to hug the little jerk until he begged for mercy. Sirius motioned to the couch.

“Sit down. I want to know what you have to say before I go buy myself a world’s best uncle mug.”

_______

@fairywriter-oracle

@amelie-black

@velveteencurls

@swinginsoulbailiffrascal

@brokencasbutt67-writer

@authoressskr

@fandom-trash-worth-it

@hankypranky

@summer-novak

@emiwrites3reads

@li0nh34rt

@tas898

@marichromatic

@maggioli-m

@stuckinsaudi1

@knight-of-gleefulness

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts

@untoldshortsofthefandoms

@deanwherescas

@sprnaturallover

@shaylybaby2032

@shitfaceddaniel

@mycuddlycorner

@wontlookaway

[ingeniouscollectionthing]

If you were alive again… (Tom Riddle x Reader)

Part 1

Request: Any chance I could request something for Tom Riddle x Ghost! Reader? It starts off with Tom manipulating her for info and the Reader just liking being noticed, but then Tom falls for her and tries to find a way to bring them together. Could end in fluff or smut, whichever works best for you!

Pairing: Tom Riddle x Reader

Hogwarts' astronomy tower was engulfed in the beautiful silver streams of light provided by a rich full moon, which hung high up in the night sky - pitch black, lightened up by countless glimmering stars.

A sole silhouette of a girl, no older than sixteen, could be found sitting on the railing, gazing into the seemingly never ending darkness. A crisp cold wind blew by, but she - or shall one say - You couldn't be bothered. You couldn't feel it - for you were dead.

A mere shadow of what you once have been, a young and talented student who has walked along the many corridors of this very school a long time ago. Once you have been a proud member of house Slytherin, younger sister of the famous Gellert Grindelwald - the very same who transported you into the unloving hell of the living dead for the sake of power, although you always supported him in everything he did.

He was an ungreatful, despicable, pathetic bastard, taking for granted what laid right in front of his eyes. And when he finally rose to power he lost sight of the things dearest to him - fighting his very best partner Dumbledore and killing you in a fit of rage.

Merlin forsake these Deathly Hallows, which brought out the worst in all wizards and witches who tried to conquer them.

Footsteps sounded behind, but you didn't need to turn around to know who visited at this hour.

Tom was his name, a handsome boy dare you say, quite charming and intelligent. He has been visiting you for a few weeks now, engaging you in deep conversations about anything. More than often you talked about your brother, realizing soon that this boy resembled him in more ways than one. Tom himself had ambitions about making magical beings the superior race, killing all those unworthy of using witchcraft. And as you did with your brother, you also shared his oppinion.

"Good evening, Lady Grindelwald", Tom said, now standing by your side, hands behind his back.

"Tom, my dear, what brings you here tonight?" you questioned, turning to look at him.

"I just wanted to see you. How are you feeling today?"

You looked back out into the night sky, smiling slightly, as you quite liked the attention you recieved by him.

"Alright, I believe. I've been reminiscing about the days where I didn't feel as numb as I do today".

A pang of guilt hit Tom in the chest, making him furrow his brows in confusion. He was so close to getting the information about the famous elder wand he so eagerly wanted, as it was lastly known as the wand of your brother. With the stone of resurrection, currently possessed by his very own uncle, whom he wanted to kill within the next few days, along with his grandfather, he'd gain umimaginable power.

He didn't know why he felt that way as he looked at your emotionless expression, you were useless to him in any way. He couldn't define, why he almost felt eager to come visit you every night.

'I'm sure it's because I'm so close to my goal', Tom thought - at least that's what he tried to tell himself. Tom never felt this way. To be fair, he didn't think he could. But still he found himself loving the hours he had with you, he loved your presence.

All he said was,

"I understand how you must feel. I too haven't felt anything remotely close to emotion since the day I have been left at the doorstep of that despicable orphanage". Lies.

For the thirst time ever, Tom showed sympathy. He almost gagged at his behaviour.

"I still can't believe I'm the only one you ever told the story about your life. I can imagine that you must have quite many friends, Mr. Popular", you laughed for the first time in years, a slight twinkle awakened in your eyes.

Tom didn't notice. Lies.

He wondered what colour your eyes were, for colour was nowhere to be found in your ghostly appearance. He wondered if they would shine in a bright blue or in a beautiful earthy brown. Or maybe they were a glimmering gemstone green.

If you were alive again..

Tom dismissed this thought. He didn't care about this, about you. He couldn't, he didn't want to. All he wanted was the missing information.

So he just shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"You're the only one I trust enough to know about this".

You sighed, the smile on your lips vanishing again. You loved being near him, but you knew deep down, that in reality - he wasn't here for you. Lies.

His next question confirmed your suspicions.

"Do you still remeber what we talked about yesterday?", Tom asked, now leaning next to you on the railing.

"The way Dumbledore is following your every move or the elder wand?", you mumbled, knowing where this would go.

"The second one would be correct, Miss Grindelwald. As i recall correctly, you said that your brother took it with him to Nurmengard".

"Tom", you sighed, now floating away from the railing to the opposite side of the tower. "I already told you that it would do you no good to infatuate yourself with this topic. You'd fulfill your dreams without it"

"(Y/N), you know I wouldn't use it, I promised you. I promised to destroy the very thing that is responsible for your death", Tom replied, again haunted by guilt. Lies again.

He has been trying to get this information out of you for quite some time now, but you never said a word. However you started to rethink your desicion, after all you thought you could trust him.. or could you? He was persuasive.

That you liked Tom was an understatement. You fell for him. How could you not? He was perfect in every way, he was powerful and he seemed proud in what he was doing. But would you really want him to become the very same thing your brother became? A power hungry monster? Would you be ready to witness, as another one of your loved ones got stuck in insanity?

You went back and forth in your conversation, him preassuring you and you reluctantly telling him more about what he wanted to know.

Finally you gave in, telling him about everything your brother gathered of knowledge about the deathly hallows. And how the elder wand was in fact in Dumbledore's possession, for it changed it's loyalty to the person, who overpowered the owner.

"So all this time it's been right before my eyes", Tom mumbled, tapping his nose. "Of course Dumbledore would have it". He got annoyed.

You cleared your throat, for you heard exactly what he said and as he turned to look at you, his heart, which he believed to be made from stone, missed a beat.

You were a true haunting beauty. Your face and body posture held a certain grace, drawing him in.

If you were alive again...

What if? Yes, what if you were alive again? Could you be his?

And his next question threw both of you off guard, for it was an action of instinct neither of you expected. It was an action of...could you call it love?

"Do you miss being alive? Do you ever miss being human?", Tom asked silently.

This was out of character for him, he never cared. Or did he now? Caring was a weak term for these unknown emotions inside him. Is this what people call love? Is he loving?

He watched you closely, as your eyes lost every twinkle. He felt bad again. He watched you, as your eyes dropped to the floor, as a small white thread of tears dribbled slowly down your silver cheek. He felt worse now.

Tom took a step near you.

"It would be my hearts deepest desire...to get back what has been taken from me so very early...", you whispered.

You looked at him again, a small sad smile gracing your lips. You shook your head.

"What if? Yes, what if you were alive again?". There was an edge of desperation to his voice now. For the first time ever, Tom Riddle's heart felt something. It beat in his throat. It felt pain, desire, angst and love all at once.

Another question out of instinct, maybe, dare I say it, out of love.

"Could you be mine then?"

And then you vanished.

What if? Yes, what if you were alive again? Could you be his?

[josephinemontilyace]

Frozen 3: Melt (ACT 1: SCENES 7-9)

Scene 7

Elsa enters the castle courtyard and sees Anna, who is speaking to Mattias, his soldiers, as well as Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf. Anna seems to sense Elsa's presence because she turns to her with a huge smile.

“Elsa!” Anna rushes over to her sister, embracing her, as Kristoff, Sven, Olaf, and members of the castle trot up behind them.

“Elsaaaa!” Olaf body slams her in excitement. “Game night isn’t until next week! Why are you so early?” Obviously the snowman doesn't understand what's going on, or just hasn't been paying attention.

“I’m so glad you’re here but… how? How did you know?” Kristoff asks.

“Ahtohallan. I was in the glacier when... I suppose I felt that I needed to come. I can’t explain it, but it was like I was being pulled here.”

“Elsa, there’s something you need to know.” Anna grasps her sister’s hands. “Our dear friend Prince Hans -”

“Is here. I know. I saw him watching me.” Elsa doesn’t sound concerned. Confused, yes, but almost wistful.

Anna stammers. “Well, we’ve called the council, they’re gathering now. Hans reports that the Southern Isles are mounting an attack, planning to take the kingdom. I don’t know whether or not to listen to him after… literally everything he has ever done.”

“Lying to you? Faking his love for you? Leaving you to die? Attempting to decapitate Elsa? Having bad sideburns?” Olaf and Kristoff take turns roasting him.

Anna and Elsa are still holding each other, looking unamused. “Minus the sideburns, I don’t think that’s a technical crime,” Elsa jokes.

“Oh I think it is. A crime of fashion.” Olaf insists, little stick hands on his hips.

“So, how do we determine whether or not he’s telling the truth?” Anna asks as they walk through the palace to consult with the council, in the same room that Hans had sentenced Elsa to death in.

“Hans was there…” Elsa reveals.

“Hans was where? A pile of horse manure, among his own kind?” Kristoff scoffs.

Elsa waves Kristoff's quip away, focused. “No, he was in my dream… vision… memory... in Ahtohallan.”

Anna stops abruptly outside the council chamber. “What do you think that means?”

“All I know is that I sensed desperation. Not a greedy desperation… lonely.” Anna and Kristoff exchange glances. The three humans enter the room, Olaf and Sven outside the door. Olaf takes off his carrot nose and holds it to his ear, like he’s listening with it.

“Thank you for gathering so quickly,” Anna began as they all bowed to her. Mattias is there along with a couple of high-ranking soldiers. Anna takes a seat at the head of the table, Kristoff on her left and Elsa to her right.

“Do any of you have any intel on the Southern Isles as of late? Any small details that could point to hostility?”

There’s a long silence until one man stands. “My cousin is a blacksmith there, and we write to each other often. She said she’s been working to the point of exhaustion. They’ve upped their orders, though she didn’t specify on what. It was a short letter, which is unlike her. She’s working to the bone.”

“That’s something to consider, but not enough information,” Mattias declares.

“All I know is that you are in danger, Anna,” Elsa says softly.

“We do have an attempted murderer in the palace, so that’s to be expected,” Kristoff adds, clenching his jaw and holding Anna's hand.

“Do you trust me?” Elsa asks. Anna pauses for a moment, and takes a deep breath.

“Even when I don’t understand you, even when you make me angry… yes, I still trust you, Elsa.”

“Then let me talk to him. I’ll try to access his memories somehow…”

“Don’t you need water for that? Water is what holds memories, right?” Anna asks.

“Could you use his sweat like water?” Asks Mattias. Elsa and Anna grimace. “Sorry, just brainstorming.”

“We could make him, I don’t know, CRY, and use his tears,” Kristoff says.

“Tempting,” Anna admits.

“- but I don’t think that will be necessary,” Elsa says knowingly.

Scene 8

Hans sings a gut-wrenching, heartfelt song about growing up just a spare. Unwanted, unloved, willing to do anything to earn a place in his family, how his last chance was in marrying Anna or Elsa and becoming King. After that failure, he has no family. The song is very 2008/2009 emo. Like Brenden Urie would sing the heck out of it. There are tears running down his face when he finishes, and guards arrive outside his door.

Elsa enters the room, closes the door. She doesn’t speak, neither does he.

She doesn’t need guards. She calmly creates handcuffs of ice around Hans’ wrists and freezes his feet so he can’t run. He looks at her with fear and awe.

Scene 9

“Hans.” It’s all she says at first, before sitting next to him on the bed.

“Elsa, I would apologize but I realize that would be useless. So instead I beg that you listen to me.”

“Tell me why I should.” She crosses her arms and raises a brow.

“Because my brothers want to rule Arendelle, and I hate them. They made me into the person that I am.”

Elsa appears deep in thought. “So it’s their fault that you tried to kill Anna and me? It’s their fault you lied to my sister about loving her?” Elsa asks these questions calmly but firmly.

“No. That was all me. I acted at their behest but… it was all me. So now let me rectify it. If you don’t believe I’m doing this out of good will, that’s fine, it’s understandable. So believe me that I’m here to warn you of my brothers’ attack because I would love nothing more than to see them fail.”

Elsa considered for a moment.

“I believe you." Another pause. "I saw your memories.”

“You - you saw my what?” Hans shifts away, eyes wide. “You take up witchcraft in addition to your ice magic?”

Elsa half laughs. “No. My powers are more than I can explain right now. Believe me not because I’m trying to get a rise out of you, but because I… I felt the same pain once.”

“What pain?” Hans asks defensively.

“Loneliness. That feeling that it’s just you, in the middle of a blizzard that never ends, but at the same time a stillness, a silence, that blocks out all else.”

Hans looks at her, fascinated and sad.

“What… what did you see?” Elsa looks at his face and sees the streaks from his tears.

“May I?” she asks, reaching out.

“I’m your prisoner, so…yes?”

She touches his cheek and closes her eyes, he closes his, and a jolt seems to go through them both. When they open their eyes there is a frozen form of little Hans, around 6 years of age, reaching up to a gruff, well-dressed man.

“That’s… my father,” Hans whispers in amazement. He goes stiff. You can hear their voices echoing through the memory.

“Father, why won’t they talk to me? Why won’t they look at me? They act like I don’t exist!”

“That’s because you shouldn't, Hans! You’re a spare among spares. I’ve told you this. You weren’t supposed to be here. Yet here you are. Your mother gave her life to give you yours. You’re not even mine. You’re not truly a prince. Unless you earn our respect, you will never be one…”

A flurry of ice and snow shifts and we see a slightly older Hans, around age 12, working at the stables with Sitron as a foal. “Three, two, one!” His brothers sneak up behind him and push him into a cart of manure. Sitron whinnies angrily and tries to bite a couple of the brothers. “Whoa, pony boy, watch your pet, here!” They leave and Hans is still covered in crap, but Sitron comes over to nuzzle him.

Once more it shifts, and a figure of Hans as we saw him in the first movie stands before his brothers.

“It’s a small kingdom, but if you make it yours, you will be a king, and our brother. That’s what you want, yes?”

“What do you need me to do?”

“You’ve got it easy. All you have to do is marry one of the princesses. Elsa, preferably, but if you have to play the long game, the younger sister Anna will do. Now don’t let us down. You leave for the coronation in a week. Prepare yourself.”

Everything then whooshes away, the memories recede. Elsa and Hans sit in silence for a moment. Hans can’t look at her.

“Hans. Your brothers are attacking.” She believed him, felt his pain, and knew he wasn’t lying. “When are they going to arrive?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

[zeoia]

I am a warm and loving person. I always have been and always will be.

Growing up, I had to be responsible very early on. I had no choice but to be mature for my age. After all, my mother wasn't there, and we needed a mom. My father was clueless, emotionally detached as an alpha male type. Currently he's not as bad as he used to be, as he finally acknowledges that when I cry, it's not to make him angry. I am crying because I am hurting. And when I am hurting I need comfort.

It used to be about his comfort. He hated seeing the tears. He'd tell us don't you dare start crying. I bottled up emotions. I withheld feelings at home. But they kept coming out during school. I'd isolate myself to cry.

One time I had an extreme outburst to the point of getting violent. I felt unheard. I'd been unheard for so long. People weren't understanding.

I had to separate from my biological mom as a child because she was incapable of taking care of us. This created a sense of longing. There was a hole in my heart and I kept wanting to fill it up somehow.

My father remarried when I was going to middle school. I told him I was fine with it. But honestly I didn't know any better. I was nine, going on ten. How was I supposed to know that I was just saying okay because that's just what I felt dad wanted to hear.

The marriage lasted throughout middle school and fell apart during high school. My stepmom was a scary person. Especially with her son around. She became very controlling. We weren't allowed in her chairs. Not allowed to watch her television. Weren't allowed to eat her foods. She made a mental note of the amount she had left. And anytime something went wrong, despite her son being the one who had always been the one to get into trouble, somehow, my brother and I were shouldering the blame for stuff we didn't do.

We were far from perfect little babies, but the worst we did was stay up past bedtime playing video games. He was a habitual liar. A thief. He was frequently breaking into houses, including our own. The first time I remember interacting with police was because of him. He broke into a girl's house. I was so nervous and I felt small. Because I was. I was so very small.

The divorce process was messy. She wanted to take our house away. Our home. The place that my brother was building bonds in. He frequently went outside spending time with neighbors. Unlike her son, we were still kids. By this time he was approaching adulthood. We couldn't be subjected to that.

We did manage to keep the house somehow. But... Maybe it would have been better to have lost it. To have moved downtown. So my father would stop acting like it was our fault that we stayed out here.

You see, my father has this habit of saying how he wanted to move downtown, closer to where everything is, but would tell us that "you guys wanted to stay here with your friends" in a mocking way. As if a teenager and a preteen know any better. Of course we wouldn't know of what opportunities existed for us downtown. We didn't live our lives in the future. We lived our lives in the moment. Looking at the future just wasn't a thing.

And the only future I COULD think of was the inevitable end. The inescapable fate that every living being shares. Because I wanted it. I wanted it to hurry up and take me so I could stop feeling sadness. the shameful feelings that would make other people uncomfortable.

I had been tired of moving. Tired of leaving people. My childhood involved way more goodbyes than I could deal with. And I continued to be desperate to fill that hole my mother left.

In this home, we finally had a permanent place. Some sort of stability. I didn't want to let go of anything. I couldn't let go of anything. After all, every time my mother visited us, I kept having to let go. I had to let go of the person who was willing to let me cry. I had to let go of the person who frequently told me I love you. this isn't to say that my father was unloving. I still remember every day when we still lived in the apartments, my brother and I would be home alone and we'd hear the door unlocking. And we'd make a mad dash to the door to jump into his arms to be hugged by him.

But this came to an end eventually. Growing up was awkward, and it made me withdraw more. My father expected me to be more ladylike. Despite telling me stuff like "do your best" I often felt like I was failing, even if I wasn't actually failing. Things were hard for me in school. On top of the stress of the divorce, my grades were getting worse. The transition from middle school to high school was uncomfortable. I told myself I was done with goodbyes, so why did I have to say goodbye to my best friends again?

I still remember people I considered my best friends, all the way from third grade. Donna. Jessica. Tina. Martha. Karen. Rae. Megan.

Graduating high school I didn't want to let go. I was tired of letting go. Despite my frequently feeling slightly out of place, I clung to Rae and Megan. We worked the same jobs for years. And then when Rae left for college, it was just me and Megan. Two weird kids with little ability to actually make new friends.

Megan and I did everything together. I went to her house frequently. We even went to the same community college. But as an adult things were getting different. She was very interested in dating, and I was getting more into self discovery. Online, I was making friends with people who liked the things I liked. I got involved with fandoms. She was too, actually.

But our interests didn't always overlap. But in my desperation to keep doing things with my only real life friend, I forced myself to enjoy the things she did. I didn't care for super heroes. Didn't care for being a "Potthead" as they called themselves. I don't know if that's still the term. She liked a lot of things that were very white, euro-centric. I liked things that were. Well they felt different. I liked webcomics and other things I found online, rather than mainstream media. Sometimes I tried to convince her to do something that I liked to do, but she wasn't really having it. If anything she just had a preference for insulting it and making me feel bad for liking things that really weren't her taste.

Honestly I don't remember what started the build up of animosity. I remember that I lost my grandmother on my dad's side and I felt terrible because I never got to really know her. My depression was absolutely awful then and I couldn't bring myself to go to work often. I remember one day when we were looking at our paychecks and she gave me this condescending "well maybe if you didn't call out so much." And I told her "hey how would you feel if your grandfather died? What would you have done huh?" And she got mad at me for making her even think about it. Me, actively in mourning about the death of a loved one, and she's the one mad because I dared to ask her to put herself in my shoes.

The rift was growing so much bigger. But we both still wanted to hold on because we both had nobody. I... Honestly couldn't tell you what it was that was the final nail in the coffin. Maybe it was all the guilt tripping she did. She told me that she was tired of having to go everywhere with me and that it cost money to drive me from place to place, ignoring the fact that I was always going the same place with her. Work. School. We planned it out so it was convenient. And I often bought things for her. I paid for food, gave her gas money, and I even sometimes would splurge on something she had her eye on. Like. A figure or a toy. She had bills and I didn't, so I had the spending money for it. Because I had to make sure that I wasn't going to say goodbye again.

But we did. It was messy. She called me a petty bitch. I don't even remember everything. I just know that I was alone again. Secluded. Isolated. I had nobody. Nine years of friendship and the void was bigger now.

I was desperate to keep finding people. I kept surrounding myself with groups. Getting deeply involved in fandoms in an attempt to connect with people. I leaned heavily on people emotionally, especially if they got closer to me and interacted with me more. People who did anything for me, I would cling to immediately. I wanted to do everything with people who spent time with me. I became addicted to attention.

And that addiction is why I'm in this mess today. It's true that I have managed to surround myself with genuine people who love me, but sometimes something bad lurks about. Especially in a place full of mentally ill people.

[lovefollowsknowledge]

Rejoice! It is time.

This picture was taken just a little over 5 years ago. More specifically, it was taken on October 22, 2015 while I was living in Michigan. And ever since October 22 of this year I have been trying to get the words out of what this year’s anniversary of this picture has meant to me, but every time I feel like I come up short. I’ve tried to write it out, pray it out, and talk it out with those closest to me, but every time I feel like I’m at a lost for words as to how to adequately convey what this year’s anniversary means to me. Because for the first time, I am not afraid.

I usually hate this time of year. During this time of year I usually avoid any old posts, old pictures, and most especially any old memories. I try to avoid anything that could remind of the day this was taken. Because on this day 5 years ago, I went into the hospital for my first time ever. It was for my depression. The days and weeks leading up to this day were intense. My mind was completely gripped by the conviction of suicide. I was starting to think in lasts. Last time I would see my family, last time I would talk to friends, last time I would drive down roads, last time I would walk along paths.

There was one time in particular I was walking along a path I had been walking almost daily. It was actually a beautiful fall day, but my mind was very very dark. I started to see everything as an opportunity, and I had already made up my mind that once I got back home that would be it. But by God’s providence alone, I was met with a busy house, too busy to do anything so severe. So I trudged along.

There was another day in particular where I was alone at work. I had gone to vigil Mass and stayed behind uncontrollably sobbing in my pew till everyone was gone and all the lights shut off. It was to the point I even had another parishioner check on me before they left. I bawled all the way down the hallway back to my office and tried so hard to distract myself with work and worship music, but nothing helped. Eventually I sought out professional help, but even that brought no relief. But again, by God’s providence alone, my therapist from California, who I hadn’t talked to in 8 months, randomly called me just to check in and talked me through all the thoughts I was having. She told me “Don’t let this be the end. FIGHT! Which for you mostly means, RECEIVE!”

One other time that I will always remember was one evening we all came back home from something, maybe vigil Mass, and it was one of those days where I had to fight with all my strength not to completely break down. So the moment we got home, I went straight to my room, locked the door, and just tossed and turned in agony on my bed not knowing how to deal with the swirl of sadness, darkness, hopelessness going on in my head. I texted Ate right away that I wouldn’t be joining them that night for whatever dinner or movie they were gonna do. But she sent Jobo to go check on me. I paced the room debating if I should just push through, let him in, and go join them. I decided against it and shooed him off. But with God’s loving and relentless providence, He sends Ate down to check on me who refuses to let me keep the door locked. I open the door, and immediately she just scoops me up in all my despair and lets me cry in her arms. We spend the rest of the night just laying in my bed as I word vomit all the sadness I had been bottling up.

Finally the day came when my doctor wouldn't let me sit in my thoughts anymore. It just wasn't safe. So she made me promise I’d take myself to the hospital, call her when I got there, and have the hospital call her if they didn’t admit me. I drove home completely stunned, shocked, and dumbfounded that it had actually reached that point. It was one of those drives I had no idea how I got home. Very emptily, I packed my stuff trying to accept the fact that I was going to the hospital with a very high chance of me staying there overnight. My brother called in that moment, and that’s when I started to break. He told me, “This is only the beginning, and I can’t wait to see you come out the other side. You’re gonna be so much stronger.” He then asked if I wanted him and Rose to come out, and very timidly, I said yes. It was hard for me to admit, but I really really needed them in that moment. I needed the assurance of love. I needed to know it was going to be okay. I needed to be taken care of. So I gave in.

That night was by far the scariest moment of my life. Kuya and Ate stayed with me till the doctors and nurses said that was as far as they could go and as long as they could stay. My heart sunk in that moment as things started to get more and more real with them leaving. I did my orientation interview with the nurse, and that’s when she told me the soonest I could get out of there was Monday bc the minimum was usually 3 days and the discharge doctor doesn’t work on weekends. Monday was 4 days away. I went to bed that night in medical robes and bawled myself to sleep. If I didn’t have a roommate I would probably be wailing with every bit of fear and anxiety within me. I was doing one of those big silent cries, where the weight is so heavy but I’m not able to make a sound.

The next 4 days were intense as I had to face my darkness straight in the eyes for my first time, with no other distractions, no other escape. I spent my days calling anyone I possibly could from those free phones, just desperate to hear a voice outside those hospital walls. Something to keep me grounded that there is life outside of this, there is hope and people waiting for me. I lived for 4-5pm, the one hour a day we were allowed to have visitors. That first day in particular, it felt like forever till Ate got there. Ohhh but when she did, it was over. We were a mess. We both hated that I was there, and we both desperately wanted me to leave, but I just couldn’t. The following days Ced and Rose were there, and a couple times even brought me the Eucharist :) It was a scary time, but also very reflective. At this point I was 99.9999% convinced I was made for suicide, and if anyone found me loved and lovable, it was them that was being deceived. But the nurses and doctors couldn’t understand why I was there because it was clear I had a good life and was blessed with a solid support system. But as I was reading through my notes from my time there - which I almost never do, except this year - I wrote what one of the doctors told me, “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.”

And well, here I am 5 years later, and for the first time, instead of running in fear from the memories of this time in year, the only word I can come up with to sum up how I’m feeling is REJOICE. This year on October 22 all I wanted to do was rejoice over the memories. Instead of hiding in shame, I wanted everyone to know it’s been 5 years bc I’m honestly so proud. Because waking up on October 22, 2020 it felt like I could finally exhale. There’s something about this year that makes me feel like I can finally say, “You did it. You survived. It’s over.” There’s something about this year that makes it feel like this chapter of depression is finally over, and I can now move on. And I wish I can tell you what exactly made it that way, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s more to process, but it’s as if I just found myself on the other side. The other side that Ced talked to me about right before I went in. It’s like one of those war movies, where the scene cuts just as they’re in the middle of big explosions, and everything feels overwhelming. But the very next scene is the solider waking up, and the next thing he knows is the war is done. The battle was won, he fought the good fight, and he’s free to return home. That’s where I’ve seemed to find myself. It’s as if I found myself with the strength that Ced almost prophesied over me right before I went in. And it blows me away that on the one year I’m actually brave enough to read my old notes, this is the one I find - “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.” And it’s not even that I would write to Past Mare of 5 years ago and say, “Yes! Stick around bc it does get good!” As if all this will go away soon and all my dreams will come true. Bc that 100% didn’t happen. But I would tell myself “stick around, feel the feels, voice all the thoughts, and just keep fighting. bc one day, you will find yourself free.”

Bc that’s exactly how I feel - free. It’s as if I’ve been chained down all this time, and by God’s grace the locks have been broken, and I can walk free, no conditions, no tricks, just free. Almost like Genie at the end of Aladdin. He fought the fight, he was faithful, and now the cuffs are simply off and he’s free to go. Just like that. And every time I’ve tried to write this out, pray this out, talk this out, I am brought to tears bc the freedom isn’t just from the fear and despair I felt 5 years ago in that hospital. The truth is that hospital bed was a lonnnng time coming. The tears of rejoicing that I shed now are not only for Hospital-Mare 5 years ago, but for St. Rose-Mare 7 years ago who felt like a piece of shit every single day, Newly Graduated-Mare 8 years ago who felt life was hopeless, Senior Year of College-Mare 9 years ago who couldn’t help but be attracted to the idea, and Senior Year of High School-Mare 13 years ago who felt no one would even notice or care. Bc for the first time in 13 years I am no longer plagued by the conviction that my life is irreversibly hopeless and helpless, that I am intrinsically unloved and unlovable, and that as sure as the sun will rise, I am destined for suicide. For the first time in 5 years I am no longer afraid of this time of year bc there is a still but sure certainty that my life is about to change as this 13 year battle has finally come to an end. Not that depression will be fully behind me and will no longer be a thing for me for the rest of my life, but that depression no longer runs my life. Depression no longer dictates my life. Depression may still be in the car, but it no longer drives the car of my life. And I can’t help but weep over this triumph.

It’s such a trippy and almost anticlimactic experience though bc there really isn’t 1 particular moment I can point to. (Well maybe there is but that might be for another story ;)) But even then, there was more before leading up to that moment. Like so many people, 2020 has brought a lot of loss for me. But most of mine are relationships (for different reasons). I lost a couple relationships with people who have guided me through many years of my life; I lost a very personal and close relationship; I lost the relationships from my job and all those that came with it (at least the nature of them). And while each loss has brought a lot of grief, worry, and tears, at the end of the day there was peace bc it all just felt part of the plan. It felt like watching the series finale of a show where everything starts to find resolution, bringing the show to a final and peaceful close. With every loss this year, it felt like another resolution and another part of the story coming to an end. It felt like the final pages of a book closing. And something in me just knew, this is it.

And again, I wish I could say I went to the hospital and that was it. Life was beautiful and perfect and made complete sense. But that’s just not true. I went 2 more times before moving back home to Cali and went another time for a very long stretch for what ended up being lupus. I lost a lot of dreams and cried many tears of agony and frustration and honestly straight anger towards God. But I had to keep moving. The freedom I live in now didn’t come with one big moment. It came with the last 5 years after the hospital, and the 4 years before the hospital, of doing the hard work in therapy. I had to learn to grow in trust and vulnerability. I had to learn how to receive care and love (probably the hardest part of it all). I had to be docile to practice what I was learning in therapy. I had be honest with my thoughts and feelings to myself, my therapist, the group I was in therapy with, and most especially with those closest to me, especially those I lived with. It also took a lot of trial and error wth medication. It took hard work, and a lot of it was being brave enough to enter into the darkness, let myself feel the feelings and voice the thoughts. It took a lot of letting people speak truth to me and even speaking truth to myself, even if it all felt like a lie. It took faithfulness to holy hours, receiving the Eucharist, and daily prayer time even if all I had was anger or indifference towards God, even if it all felt empty and pointless. It took repeating the name of Jesus, endlessly reciting the Memorare, and begging for St. Michael’s intercession in the scariest moments of my depression. It took long, hard work, but what brings me to cry tears of rejoicing now is not only how long it’s taken me to get here, but remembering the faithfulness of God to His promises.

7 years ago I was given the penance to read the Gospel of Mark, and the verse that struck me right away was Mk 5:41 “Taking her by the hand He said to her, ‘Talitha cumi,’ which means, ‘little girl I say to you, arise.’” Instantly, I knew the Lord was talking to me. The first promise.

5 years ago hiding in my hospital bed, I was looking for a specific verse in Isaiah, but I ended up on Is 43:18-19 “Remember not the events of past, the things of old consider not; see I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? In the wilderness I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.” Once again, instinctively I knew this was for me. It was the beginning that Ced was talking to me about before going in. The second promise.

Over the last few months, the verse that I find myself repeating to myself over and over, especially in times of most anxiety, fear, and worry is Jer 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.” The third promise.

This year I can’t help but cry as I look at this picture and reminisce on all the intense trapped darkness because I feel like I am now standing in the fulfillment of these promises He made to me so long ago. I just feel like He’s saying, “it’s time.” It’s finally time for me to rise up. It’s finally time for me to see this new thing He’s been building and shaping for me. It’s finally time for me to walk on the water. It’s time for me to rise out of my fear and reclaim the life and joy depression has stolen from me all those years. And in that rising, in that reclaiming, also comes the gift, the permission, the freedom to dream again and the grace and courage to pursue those dreams. Me! Me, dream again! It’s the most surreal experience that I could actually be free to walk into the light, dare to dream anew, and live unafraid of the consequences should failure come. Me! Unafraid! I just keep thinking, who the heck do I think I am that I could dream and live unafraid? That I could be free to live life joyfully again? To live bravely? To live unchained? Who am I? And I honestly can’t answer that. I can’t say I’m deserving. I can’t say to myself it is safe and possible. But the Lord in all His patience and authority just keeps saying, it is time. Today, once again in God’s providence, I happen to come across Dn 10:19 “Fear not, beloved, you are safe; take courage and be strong.” And I just feel like He’s like “Yes, you!” haha. What trips me up is realizing that healing isn’t always this big, extravagant thing. Sometimes, it’s the slow but steady work of God. Sometimes it’s just doing the work day in and day out, and being faithful to that work, and one day the Lord gives you the grace to see you’re already there. The fight is won, and you are free. No strings attached, no tricks. Just free. 

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I’ll be honest, I’ve been fighting the Lord like “Are you sure??! bc I have no idea how to do life outside of this depressed world!” I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, who dreams all those years of leaving her tower to pursue the lights. But once her chance has finally come and she’s able to taste a new, free life, guilt takes over her, and she goes back and forth if it was the right decision - Do I dare to believe my identity could be more than my depression? This reality I’ve known for so much of my life. Do I dare take the Lord up on His offer and leave my dark tower? - But as she keeps going and finally makes it to the boats, she admits she’s afraid, “what if it’s not everything I hoped it would be?…and what if it is?” To which she’s told, “that’s the good part, you get to dream a new dream.” And as things unfold, she suddenly finds herself unafraid. And that’s where I feel I am. It’s scary bc I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have it all completely mapped out like I’d like, but all I know is it is finally my time to arise. It’s time for me to feel that water as I step out of the boat. It's time to dare to dream again, dare to live life again, and this time walk along side our Lord every step of the way. Let Him dream His dreams through me. Let my dreams unite with His. And dare I admit, I’m actually getting excited about it! :)

It’s scary, and it calls for a new level of vulnerability, and I am begging everyday for the courage to lean into this new life. But at this point all I can say is I can’t believe I made it! I can’t believe it’s over! I can’t believe I survived! And I know I wouldn't be here if it weren’t for the countless prayer warriors I have out there, prayer warriors I’m not even aware of. All the prayers, the rosaries, the Masses, the holy hours that have been offered up for me. Graces I’m sure I will be unpacking for the rest of my life. And I most especially wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those closest to me while I was in the thick of it. Special shout out to the Urginos, to my parents, to Ced and Rose, to Ming and King, and to Age - those that literally stopped their lives just to be by my side 5 years ago. And to Hyds and Anhel who dealt with every frantic text during that time (and who still do) and never tired of speaking truth to me. I’ve screenshotted so many of our texts, and I still go back to them every now and then on some of my hardest days. And of course to my therapists, my doctors, my spiritual directors. For carrying every heavy thought with me and never letting up. And finally, to all my Kuya and Ate Saints, I know it was you guys holding me up and keeping me close to the Lord when I couldn’t do it myself.

Glory to God through Mary! I have no idea what’s next, but thank You in advance for whatever happens from here. Let’s get it!  :)

LDM

[makiema]

For SNK Positivity Week Day 1 : Character Positivity Day ||

Zeke Jaeger : A Character Sketch

This is going to be a long rant in appreciation of Zeke's amazing character arc. He's not really my favorite character but the reason why I picked him for the character positivity day is because his character is often misunderstood and he gets a lot of unjustified hate. I did that too at one point; tbh I hated him with a passion but I'd grow out of it and even begin to feel for him eventually.

First off, let's run a background check on him. He was obviously neglected as a kid. His eyes speaks volumes here in this panel.

At the age of five, when all a kid looks for is love and care, his parents imposed the responsibility of the whole world on his shoulders. At an age when a child has a hard time spelling correctly, he was expected to infiltrate the government, fight for his brethren, become a double agent and what not. The psychological toll on a child who faces negligence and abuse at home is unimaginable. Paralleling that with stats of recent times, it's seen that bullies often come from abusive families. That's how psychology works. Once you've been victimized, you'll project that on others. That is exactly what happened with Zeke. The reason why he appeared so sadistic was because someone else put through hell before. The reason why he failed to love and empathize was because he himself was denied feelings of warmth and love. A child learns to emulate what he has learned from his parents. Can you really blame him for failing in the beginning?

But then, as the story of his life progressed, a more humane side of his character was developed with the coming of Xaver. Xaver was the first person to show Zeke parental affection. His contribution in shaping up Zeke's fundamental character is noteworthy. Even though he gave Zeke the love that he needed, his influence was not at all something appreciable, something better than before. If Grisha and Dina had wrongly used their son to meet their own selfish needs, Xaver was the shrewder one who showed affection on the surface only to permanently mould Zeke into becoming a pessimistic, merciless individual who had little to no respect for human lives. Zeke already bore the scars of his past; Xaver rather than inspiring him and guiding him decided to gaslight him into somehow believing that his whole life is a mistake and the same goes for all Eldians.

Imagine prevailing upon a teenager, whose personality is just developing, an idea that horrifying. If you sugarcoat the idea of genocide and instill that in a teenager, what do you even expect him to believe in? Drawing from our world, this was a tactic employed largely by Hitler in Germany. The only reason so many young people voluntarily took part in genocide was because they were spoon fed terrible ideas and convinced of false righteousness by their most trusted ones (often members of the family). The people we look up to for guidance are our parents and then comes our instructors. Zeke was unfortunate when it came to both. His instructor was the one who made murderous ideas seem okay to him. He's not at fault; he was only a teenager looking up at an older person for guidance and perspective.

So from there on we see how Zeke actually becomes a double agent serving in the Marleyan army. He has nothing to lose. He wrecks whole towns but deep inside he feels nothing. This lies in direct contrast with Eren who had an upbringing full of love and warmth. Remember how Eren couldn't accept even one soldier's death whatever be the cause? Again, both the character arcs follow the basic lines of human psychology. Environment, circumstances, influence -everything goes in the making of a person. However, this is true only until a certain point. You cannot forever be a product of your surroundings so once pubescence is reached, you're expected to make your own choices. Levi asking Eren to make a choice has a great significance in his life. It makes him responsible for himself. Similarlyen Zeke met Eren, he also made a choice - a choice to love someone. For the first time, he actually learned to love; for the first time he honestly wants someome to believe him and he feels like he understands Eren. Zeke realizes that he shares a common ground with someone and seeks solace in him. He's just a forlorn character seeking love and understanding.

He did love his grandparents before and also loved Xaver, of course, but that was more of being loved and then returning it. When it came to Eren, he made a choice of giving love to his sibling in spite of knowing his true intentions. His victim complex immediately assumed that Eren was also a victim of parental abuse and he chose to take care of him like a big brother. He never once doubted Eren. Even for someone as cold and sadistic as him, even for someone who had just murdered hundreds of SC members without a second thought, love existed; and with this a possibility of redemption; a hope of adopting a new perspective at life - one that is not inspired from hate, abuse, negligence or pessimism. From this point onwards, Zeke's character arc takes an interesting turn.

Ever since he met Eren and got to talk to him, we've seen him trying desperately to protect Eren. He's a product of negligence and he believes Xaver saved him. Therefore, he wants to save someone he loves too. He loves his brother and Eren is the only one who matters to him. He'd go to any extent to protect him. Hence the "Onii-chan is here" in the ending of Chapter 117.

He is adorable and his love for Eren is exemplary sibling love. It can be even compared to the likes of Itachi, Ace, Lelouch and Tanjirou - the famous big brothers in the animanga history. In 118, he knows Colt feels the same way but Xaver took away the feeling of empathy from a young, naive Zeke and so he goes on ahead with the Scream. Is it his fault ? No, not really. He was never accustomed with the meaning of life. He was a child growing up amidst war and devastation who looked up to a wretched cynical figure as his father. How can we expect someone to attach significance to life when all he was made to believe was that he is somehow at fault just for being born?

This directly contrasts how Eren was made to believe that he's special just because he was born in this world. The contrast between the brothers is never so eminent as in here, in this astonishingly different approach towards life.

There is a quote in Banana Fish that goes like: "You cannot be loved unless you love"

Ever since Zeke took it upon himself to save Eren, to shower him with love and affection, he showed us a more humane side of him ; a side I'm sure even he didn't believe he had in him before he came across his brother. He opened a portal to a kinder world when he learned to love. He was a sad, unfortunate creature unloving and unloved for most of his life. But now that he has so much love in his heart, even at the moment of betrayal, he gets to know how being loved feels like.

I cannot even begin to elaborate on the shock and the disillusionment that Zeke had to face when he learned the truth- that Eren was the one who manipulated Grisha and not the other way round. The good thing that came out of this was that Zeke learned that he was genuinely valued by his father and that he trusted him to stop Eren. However, Eren ruins it perfectly when he throws salt on Zeke's open wound.

Of course, years of negligence cannot be forgotten and/ or forgiven at the expense of one tiny moment and Zeke is hesitant to call Grisha 'dad' at times

but at least he knows now that Grisha regrets his wrongs and that he loves him. Isayama had granted Zeke what he was long due, when Grisha confessed to him. Zeke's love for Eren is so pure, so selfless. Even when Eren says he had only used Zeke, even when he is rude and nasty with him, Zeke is convinced that it is all because of Grisha's brainwashing. He is so upset when he learns of Eren's betrayal in this panel.

Of course, Zeke's love for Eren seems to be leading him to nowhere and this is sort of payback for all his crimes but at least, with Chapter 121, it can be said that Zeke Jaeger is no longer a tragic unloved character. He was loved by his father and he more than deserved to know this. His character arc is churned out wonderfully. He began as a villainous character but then Isayama gave us a glimpse of how tragic his story is; from there on Zeke's character evolved and his development reached its peak with his sincere and genuine love for Eren. Gradually his sad arc that made him to be a pitiful unloved creature is resolved with a confession of love from the most desirable person, not to forget that this new found love also came with Grisha's faith that Zeke would be able to stop Eren. He saw how in the impending future Zeke's plan will fail but even so he still has faith that he's going to stop Eren.

-×××-

Wow this became longer than I expected it to be. But I have been getting a lot of feelings for Zeke recently and I felt like I had to highlight him for the character positivity day because he is so misinterpreted in the fandom. I really hope people forgive him because basically nobody is evil by choice, it's the effect arising from cumulative traumatizing experiences as a child.

[thedeadwritinggod]

I miss you-

“Roman. I. Can’t.”

“Why can’t you?!”

Yukio could hear the two fighting from the living after Remy let him in. So he went up to the door and listened-he knew it was wrong to eavesdrop but it’s not like they could be arguing about anything that serious.

“You love them both don’t you?”

“Yes! But I can’t do that to Yukio. I just-I can’t.”

The desperation in Thomas’ voice rang out against the frustration in Roman’s in an almost painful way. Yukio kept listening purely since he knew he was involved-thats what he told himself anyway.

“Roman he’s terrified. We both know that-“

“Then why can’t he have two loving boyfriends instead of just one? There’s no downside!”

“I may be polygamous- he isn’t. And if I’m in two relationships- it’ that’d-“

Tears started to burn his eyes so he squeezed them shut.

“-You can love them both equally though!”

‘Love them both equally’

‘Love them both equally’

‘Love them both equally’ it echoed in his mind until his own thoughts came back-

Love him more then me.

I regret everything.

And he did. He regretted letting himself fall in love with Thomas despite every. Single. Nerve in his heads screaming no. He eventually did zero back into the conversation as fun his own thoughts could be.

“-Tear him apart- I can’t- I don’t want to break his heart that way. Roman please just let him go.”

Yukio slipped into the room quietly, leaning against the door. “Too late-“ it was quiet, shaky. But enough to draw attention.

“What?” This one is in unison-distressed.

“You said you didn’t wanna break my heart. Too late.” Yukio forced his voice steady, making it strain under the weight of his emotions.

Both their eyes widened but only Thomas comes forward, gently taking Yukio’s face in his hands “I’m sorry I-” “No.”

His voice breaks, and Thomas starts to cry. Blatantly letting everything overwhelm him

“Yukio please- please don’t-“ “Thomas I can’t-I can’t keep you from being happy,” he grabs onto Thomas’s wrists, looking him in the eye while trying not to cry himself.

“But I can’t be happy without y-you”

A quiet wail escapes Yukio, and his grip tightens and he gives up. He gives up trying to keep his emotions in check, gives up trying to stop his heart from shattering like it wants too, gives up trying not to cry.

“I love you Thomas. But I can’t keep you-not while you love someone else.”

He can’t bring himself to say anything else so he just leans in slightly lips brushing the other boys but he doesn’t kiss him. He doesn’t get the chance

“N-no” he breaths having stepped away “I can’t. We can’t. Th-this....we. We’re over. Thomas.”

And he slipped out again leaving Thomas absolutely paralyzed. Tears streaming down his face.

5 years. To this day. It’d been 5 lonely, guilt ridden years. 5 years and Thomas still regretted that argument with Roman. He still regretted talking to that guy at the book store the week before. He regretted going to Yukio’s house three days later-only to find out that he left.

He really left.

“He left for a prestigious music school with Atsuki. Didn’t he tell you? He went over there I know.” Anaru-Yukio’s mom- filled him in further.

He and one of his older sisters had been invited to a school out of the country. He was planning to tell Thomas on that day. And instead he came home late. Really late. Then the next day. He was packing.

He was gone. Really and truly gone.

“Look Thomas you can’t just mope around all day-“

“You say that every year Roman. Hasn’t stopped me before,” Thomas groans rolling away from his creative side.

“Come on Thomas- what about that Sonata performance today?”

Thomas simply mumbles, Yukio always wanted to write a sonata....it was his dream.

By some miracle of existence Roman managed to drag Thomas out-giving Patton one of Penelope’s cakes was super effective!

After some ice cream since why not, Thomas headed to the concert hall. As he sat in his seat he made sure his phone was on silent and that his cuffs were rolled right.

Then a four key piano progression struck his ears and he stopped dead. It was a simple-four key pattern, E-D-D sharp- Middle C.

It was a familiar progression-a progression that came with one player, one blind older sister, one blind twin.

Atsuki.

Every time she played piano. She used the progression to find middle C and thus coordinate her performance.

If Atsuki was the accompanying pianist-then the violinist was- Thomas looked up just as he stepped out into the stage lights.

Ya know the worst part about a breakup you didn’t want? You still see that person. That person you loved and maybe still love, move on. Get older, grow up, change. All without you. And oh god he was beautiful.

Over the course of 5 years, Yukio had let his hair grow out a little more and ponytailed it off for this performance, gotten taller and lost some of the adorable baby fat it his face, leaving a jawline that could slice diamonds in two but keeping his squishy cheeks.

His face was still dotted with freckles of course and he still wore contacts in place of his glasses. He wore a clean white suit jacket with a black button down, belt and dress pants- a glint from somewhere momentarily blinded his sight. It was then he realized- Yukio was wearing his dads Rolex and he wondered why? Then his mind wondered back to that day and then to all the stories he missed, everything he could’ve been apart of, every event he could’ve been there for but wasn’t. All because Roman couldn’t let go of a dumb crush that didn’t even last.

The vast majority of the audience seemed to be utterly sobbing. And this was only part one.

The other two parts that made up the sonata were no better.

The second was a fast paced whirlwind of beautiful emotions while the last one was sad, melancholy acceptance of something-whatever it was was inevitable and foreboding.

It felt like he’d cried off a pound by the time they’d taken their bows. He also now got why there tissues at the entrance.

It took a little while for his tears to stop, as he paced around the lobby. He took a seat as his tears finally stopped, he looked down at the program in his hands- ‘Showers of Heath parts 1,2 and 3’ it read.

His curiosity hadn’t killed him but sure did punch him in the gut.

‘Showers of Heath is a three part Sonata written and performed by Takahashi Yukio. It was started when was 15 and completed when he was 17. It is confirmed to be about a lost of his and the process of the break up, a chaotic change period, and finally acceptance. It was normally believed that this acceptance isn’t the acceptance of the breakup, but the acceptance of his belief that he’s unlovable-‘ “Thomas?” There was anger in the voice.

As pale as her eyes were it made the anger in them more unnerving. “Yes...?”

“Come with me.”

That. Was not a request. So he stands up to follow her.

“Um-Atsuki?” “Do you still love my brother?”

“Yes.” Well you can’t lie to her quirk so-

“Do you want him back?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love anyone else?”

“No.”

“Good. Now go.” She tapped a door with her walking cane.

“That’s his dressing room.”

“What?”

“Go. Talk. To my brother.” This was not a request either. “Before I loose my patience.” She growls.

He swallows quickly and heads into the room, relaxing only once the door is closed behind him. However this relaxation doesn’t last for very long- “T-Thomas?”

He stiffens immediately at the deeper but all too familiar voice, staring at his own shoes. “H-hi Yukio”.

5 years. 5 years worth of bottled up emotion. 5 years of love and tears and pain and work all rushing back just at the sound of a voice. And his heart seized up.

“What are you doing here?”

“I-I...I’m sorry. I should’ve let that dumb crush go- I, I shouldn’t let-“ “Stop it.” He started-making Thomas look up.

“Don’t apologize for being able to fall in love with more then one person. It’s my fault for being too insecure to let you be happy with both of us.” He runs a hand through his undone hair.

“I should’ve thought about that- I-I shouldn’t pushed Thomas on it....I should’ve thought about how you’d feel and-“ this wasn’t even Thomas talking anymore. This....this was purely Roman.

“Roman. It’s okay. You’re a hopeless romantic, I can’t fault you for your romantic orientation.”

“You can fault me for being an idiot when dealing with it.”

“I’m not going too.” He....chuckled? Sniffled?

“Why not? Hold me accountable for breaking your heart. I want you too.”

“It’s my fault for letting myself fall in love again anyway. I’d been shown over and over again before you- I’m unlovable. I get it.” He wipes a stray tear, clearly trying and failing to keep this in. 5 years of white got pain can’t be easy to hold back after all.

Thomas steppes forward without thinking-not at all. Taking Yukio’s face in his hands again.

“No- no no no no no no you are not unlovable. You’re so so lovable. I never stopped loving you, not when you broke up with me, not when you walked out, not even when you left for school- even right now. I still love you with each and every part of my heart.” He shuts himself up as he realizes there’s cold tears trailing down his face....well he realizes that and that Yukio looks entirely terrified.

His lip quivers and his blue eyes are wide and shiny with tears, he takes a hold of Thomas’ wrists and pulls them down and away from his face- then he yanks his hands away, pulling them into himself-

He used to be allowed to hold those hands, to touch his face and kiss his freckles-to kiss him ‘why did I let that go?’

He turns away quickly-Thomas used to be allowed to see those tears. And stop them. Not cause them. Yukio wipes the tears away-forcing himself to stop crying as much in the moment. He’d gotten unnervingly good at it.

“D-do you still...” “I never stopped.”

He screws his eyes shut as tears continue to spill from his eyes, he presses himself into the wall sliding down and down and down until he hits the floor.

I regret everything.

I really do-I just- I-

“I want you back.” Was he thinking? Not at all.

“I’d take you back but I...”

“But you?”

“I don’t think I can trust anymore....”

“What?”

“I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart anymore. Th-that experience was....”

“I get it. I do-“ Thomas picks himself up and walks up to Yukio, his back still facing Thomas. “I promise I am going to win back that trust.” He reaches out slightly-fingers brushing the others callused hand. “I did it once. I’ll do it again.” He’d gained more of them.

Yukio took his hand away and turned to face his muse. He takes a deep breath then opens his eyes-irritated and red from crying. “Kiss me and I’m yours again.”

Thomas took one of his hands into his and ran his thumb over the back of it. Then placed his hand on Yukio’s shoulder and pressed their lips together sweetly.

“I missed you.” He mumbled against Thomas’ lips

“I missed you too.”

// @the-lavender-creator r e a d finally-

[softkim2]

It Seems my Lonely Days are Through

↳ story header made by yours truly. I do not own the rights to the image used.

» Pairing(s): Number Five & Teen!Vanya Hargreeves 

» Genre(s): Angst, Romance, & Humor

» Warning(s) / Ratings: Swearing / PG-13

» Words: 3.3K

» Summary: ❝Sadly…Just like any other promise…It was made to be broken…❞ Just when Vanya felt that she could rely on Five forever, she knew deep down that he always wanted to time-travel. She just didn't know that he'd say something to their father so soon...

Another day of being left behind. Another point added to her mental scoreboard. Then, this oh so familiar emotion entered her mind. This feeling of being unwanted…unloved…unneeded… No one needed her around. No one wanted her around. And eventually, that feeling became her true companion. Her insecurities heightened. A sad smile became a permanent one. No longer did she wanted to smile because she’s happy but smile to get unwanted questions from a certain someone. Out of all of her siblings, Vanya only cared about having certain judgmental stares from her brother, Five. Ever since he’d grown to trust her with his innermost worries and problems, Vanya didn’t want to disappoint him nor worry him with her own personal issues.

So…just like any other – normal – adolescent…she buried them deep within her psyche and called it a day. As long as Five had someone to vent his problems too, then Vanya was content with bottling up her emotions. Maybe her father giving those pills was a blessing in disguise. It helped suppressed her emotions – her feelings – a lot easier. Though, not enough for her to become this emotionless robot. That’s when Five would raise a few questions and more than likely lash out on either their father, their siblings, or a combination of both. And she didn’t want that. There’s already a tiny riff between Five and her and the rest of the family. She didn’t want it to worsen.

Just like with any family…

They needed each other…

They may not need each other right this moment but eventually they would.

It’s only a matter of seconds…

Taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling, Vanya mustered all of her remaining mental strength to compose herself. She took a glance at the clock, knowing that just like the previous days, her siblings would be returning from their afternoon training session shortly. She didn’t want her siblings, specifically Five, to see her cheeks stained with tears. Her eyes almost bloodshot from the number of tears that trickled down the sides of her precious face.

No. She needed to be strong. Unbothered by the constant ridicule and reminder that she’s simply ordinary. There’s nothing special about her.

With a few more breaths. Vanya managed to compose herself. A somber expression appeared on her face as she picked up her violin, that rested against the couch she had been sitting on. She positioned the violin underneath her chin and against her shoulder. Then, she positioned both the bow and her fingers. Her eyes focused on the sheet music before her. With one final breath, releasing any emotions that threatened to spill out, Vanya began playing. The first few notes were light, almost energetic, Then, it became eerie. Practically haunting as the sounds of rushing footsteps echoed throughout the foyer.

Yup. Like clockwork.

“New song?” The violinist heard Klaus ask. A rare interaction whenever he needed a distraction from his ghoulish friends.

The corners of her lips quirked up as Vanya nodded, continuing to play the beautiful musical piece. Shortly, she became lost to the music. This feeling of tranquility consumed her as she executed each section perfectly. Even her brother, Diego, complimented her playing, and that’s extremely rare. He almost never said anything nice to her. Unless Five managed to persuade Diego to apologize for being an asshole.

She’d always appreciate it when Five came to her protection. With him around, she’s able to lower her shields but even then, it didn’t last long. She’d soon remember what her father, Reginald, had discussed with her weeks prior.

“I told you, Number Seven, I do not want you interfering with your siblings training. They already have enough on their minds and do not need their ordinary sister getting in the way…”

God. She honestly lost count how many times she’d been called ordinary by her dear old dad. She could fill up a jar with how much she’d been called that. That’s how bad it was. That’s how much it’s instilled in her precious mind.

She’s just plain…old…

“I know that look. What did our asshole of a father say to you now?” An oh so familiar voice interrupted her train of thought. Her body flinched as she didn’t expect someone to linger around. And because of that, she accidentally played a few sour notes, causing both her and the other person to wince. Their poor ears.

Vanya then removed the violin from her shoulder and hugged it against her chest. She swiveled her body around and came face-to-face with Five. The one sibling she didn’t want to see right this second.

“It’s nothing, Five.” She said shortly before gently placing her violin back in its case and locking it. “I’ll see you at dinner.” She quickly added, brushing past him and heading to her sanctuary. Her safe haven. Her room.

His brows became knitted together. He drew his lower lip between his teeth as confusion glazed over his eyes. He couldn’t help but follow her retreating body, wondering if he had done something to cause such a strange reaction.

Had he unintentionally lashed out on her and forget to apologize? No, because he had been always careful to never take his frustrations on her. Luther and Diego? Yes. Vanya? Never.

Did he forget about an important secret meeting between? Nah. That couldn’t be it as he personally scheduled them with her. He constantly found himself needing her calm presence. Never vice-versa.

So, why did she run away from him? Why did his heart ache a little as she quickly dismissed his act of concern?

Then, thanks to his highly intelligent brain, Five soon realized that it had to do with the monster that they had to unfortunately call, “father”. He felt like an imbecile for not putting the puzzle pieces together sooner. Five wasn’t blind. He knew that there’s indeed a sudden change within Vanya. He just either didn’t have the time to talk to her about it or weren’t able to get some valuable alone time with her. He had been preoccupied with his spatial jump training or working on how to perfect the act of time-travel. Reginald recommended that he practice his spatial jumping, then Five could learn how to time-travel. Yet week after week, Five had yet to see a change in his training regimen. That only pissed him off even more. Now, the icing on the cake was when he noticed a bigger separation between him and Vanya. She’d either be by Reginald’s side or doing her own thing around the time he and the rest of their siblings are training or on a mission.

He rarely had the chance to hang around her and enjoy her presence. Shit. He started to forget how it felt to hug her. How her body fitted perfectly against his. How, right now, they were at a perfect height that complimented one another.

A faint scoff escaped his lips as an amused smirk slowly appeared on his lips. Five found his thoughts to be quite humorous.

“So…this is what a love sick teen feels like…” He thought, shaking his head as he stuffed his hands inside his pockets. Then, his gaze focused on the grandfather clock nearby. He noted the time and quickly calculated if he had enough time to have some much needed one-on-one time with his beloved Vanya.

Luckily…

He did…

Without a second to lose, he activated his spatial jumping, teleporting himself in the hallway that led to his and his siblings’ bedrooms. He remained still; his ears listened for any sounds that could indicate that someone would be leaving their room. Though, he doubted it as his siblings liked to lock themselves away to obtain a moment of peace. They practically spent every single day with each other. A few hours without being in the presence of another wouldn’t kill them.

Five waited a few more seconds before teleporting himself in front of Vanya’s room. Then, just as he raised his hand to politely knock on her door, he heard a sound that he vowed to never hear again…

Vanya’s cries…

To this day, the sassy teen remembered the first time he heard her heartbreaking sobs. It felt like someone got lucky enough to get a clean on him and repeated those punches. His chest tightened whenever he recalled that ”lovely” memory so vividly.

Not wanting to put him and Vanya through this horrendous torture, Five barged right in and slammed the door shut, uncaring if that were to alert his other siblings. If anything, he prayed that they heard, so they could see what their cruel acts and words had done to his Vanya.

No one would be allowed to cause her tears – and this time – he’d do a fucking better job at protecting her.

She’d never have to go through with this alone ever again.

Without saying a word, Five rushed to her side and kneeled in front of her. Just like when he grew enough balls to rest his hand on top of hers, he did it again. His hands grasped hers just as a few tears landed on his hot skin.

His jaw tightened. Her lips quivered. Love and concern flashed in his eyes while hers remained shut as tears continued to fall. She hated herself for reaching this breaking point but after seeing Five and hearing his voice, she just broke. All of her inner desperate pleas came rushing out the gates in the form of sobs.

She hated having to pretend that there’s nothing between them. No friendship. No adoration. Nothing. Not even a blossoming love that’d be considered taboo in the public eye. She had been forbidden to interact with him. Her one source of happiness.

She absolutely despised it, but if it meant that Five would be one step closer to his potential, then so be it. Strangers they would be.

“Vanya…” Her mind registered the softness in his voice. No. No. No. He shouldn’t be in here. If their father caught them – together – like this, then there’d be Hell to pay. No. Five had to leave.

Choking back a few of her sobs, Vanya controlled her breathing, though it’s proven difficult. Her breathing had become incredibly sporadic. Wild.

“You…have…to…go…” She managed to say even though it’s painful to do so.

Five looked taken back. Hurt burned in his eyes. Why was she shutting him out? Just like how she’s there for him, he’s there for her. He’d be her support whenever she felt like giving up.

She had constantly reminded him that she’s there for him. No matter what.

Now…

It’s his turn…

Gently wiping away the tears with his thumbs, Five allowed his hands to remain on her face. His eyes studied her facial expression, also noting her body language, allowing it to relax just a bit before speaking again. He didn’t want to trigger her again.

“Vanya…” He began; his voice almost a whisper, “Talk to me. What’s on your mind?” He asked, concern dripping on every single word.

Vanya remained silent, slightly leaning against his touch. His cold hand felt nice against her warm cheek. Her gaze studied Five’s face, noting how scared yet concern he was. This would be the second time she had seen that gaze. The first time was when he had found her crying her eyes out after she had yet again been ridiculed by her “loving” siblings for being plain. For being boring. She had tucked herself away inside the garden, that’s placed on the roof, and decided to drown out her tears – her sorrows – with her violin. Though, the moment she did, Five managed to find her with ease. His protective instincts were at an all time high after he overheard Diego and Luther saying horrendous things about her, while Allison, Klaus, and Ben laughed. They didn’t bother coming to her aid.

“Assholes…” He called them as he teleported to wherever Vanya held herself up. While, it took several spatial jumps, Five eventually popped up beside her, accidentally freaking her out and causing her to scream. His ear drums were damaged for a few days after that, but he didn’t pay attention because Vanya smiled as she laughed at his face. The snarl and glare on his face for some strange reason was incredibly hilarious in her eyes. Her laughter was highly addicting to the point that Five did everything and anything to recreate that. In that afternoon, he had the chance – the opportunity – to see a carefree Vanya. A side of her that he hadn’t seen in a long ass time.

Now, here he remained kneeling in front of her, offering words of comfort as he did almost everything to get his sweet Vanya to crack a smile. He’d even asked her to play her favorite musical piece for him, but Vanya simply replied with,

“Maybe later…my heart isn’t into it right now…”

Five, then in response, nodded as he said, “Understandable. Sometimes I wish I had that luxury.”

Vanya sniffled, “What do you mean?”

“Just that,” He began as he finally stood up, stretching his leg muscles. Then, he took a seat next to her and wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders, “You don’t realize this, Vanya, but you’re lucky. You have these amazing chances of taking breaks. Doing everything and anything that your heart desires.” A long sigh escaped his lips, “While with me and the rest of the crime fighting siblings, we don’t. It’s training from sunrise to sundown. And when we’re not training, then it’s those stupid, annoying missions,” He absentmindedly pulled Vanya closer. Her head now rested against the crook of his neck, “While, yes, with our abilities, taking down the bad guys is like an afternoon stroll at the local park. However, doing the same thing over and over gets redundant. Basically boring.” He finished his speech before placing an innocent kiss on her head. Innocent enough it could be seen as an act of sibling love in case their father so happened to stumble on them. With their luck, he’d be right around the corner. Seriously. It’s like Reginald had installed sensors on Vanya’s door and Five’s, alerting him of their so called “canoodling”.

Just thinking about the old man’s lecture frustrated Five to the point that his jaw clenched slightly. Everything that old man did only fueled Five’s innermost hatred towards him.

But that’s not important right now. Vanya’s important and would always be important to him.

Gently rubbing her arm, Five and Vanya remained silent, enjoying each other’s presence. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, Vanya pulled back and created some space but not too much since Five still wanted to hold her. Like a little child clinging onto his or her favorite object. An object that gave him or her a sense of security.

That was Vanya. She was his sense of security. She kept his sanity intact while they both lived in that dysfunctional home.

“Thank you, Five.” She said softy with a sweet smile.

One corner of his mouth titled up. Five displayed his signature smirk. A smirk he had developed only for her but not to be confused with his condescending smile. That smile was reserved for his other siblings, minus Ben. Well. It depended if he partook in the ridiculing of Vanya, then, he’d that smirk and his wrath.

But most of the time, it’s usually Diego, Luther, and Allison that got it. How fitting since it’s the top three soldiers in their odd army.

Soon, his smirk grew into a smile. Then, a sweet and light kiss was placed on Vanya’s forehead.

“Anytime, Vanya. You just need to remember that you’re never alone, especially when you think you are. You’re not. You’ll always have me.” He said just as an alarm went off. Time for dinner. With one final reassuring squeeze on her shoulder, Five stood up and then offered his hand. Vanya smiled brightly and placed her hand into his. The moment he felt her hand, he quickly interlaced their fingers. He’d never grow tired with how well their hands molded together.

Recently, they had started to hold hands but only when they’re alone and certain that no one would catch them. One of the many risks that Allison had warned him about months prior. If only her concern lasted, especially towards Vanya.

But…oh well…

“So, I’m thinking of asking dear old dad about time-travel again.” He stated, stuffing his free hand into the pockets of his shorts.

Vanya’s forehead creased. Her jaw tightened slightly. She knew that Five wanted to time-travel, but he never got any practice because their dad would always reject his request. Today, she knew that it’d be his breaking point if their dad were to say no to Five’s request again. And knowing Five, she knew that he’d give in to his short-temper and do something irrational.

Then, she’d be left all alone…

“Are you sure that’s a wise decision? I mean what if he says no?” She asked, stopping right near the stairway but out of sight from the views of their siblings.

Five sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, “If he says no, then I don’t know.” He turned his head towards Vanya, “I’m tired of being told that I’m not ready, especially since I’ve been practicing those stupid spatial jumps like he told me to. I even managed to work out those pesky equations. Like, what more does he want from me?” He ranted; his voice gradually increased in pitch.

Vanya frowned, squeezing his hand in an act of comfort.

“I know but maybe he’s right. Sure, his explanation can be a tad nicer but perhaps he’s onto something. What if you do manage to successfully time-travel but end up somewhere and have no means to come back.” She stated, voicing her worries.

Five cupped her cheek, gently caressing it, “That’s not going to happen, Vanya. After all, I have you waiting for me back here so of course, I’m going to come back. I just want to see if I can do it. Even if it’s a tiny jump in time, I just want to see.” Then, he unlaced their fingers and pulled her into a warm and loving hug, “Then, with more practice, I’ll take you with me, and we’ll be far away from here. No more siblings who bully you. No more dad that constantly berates you for being ordinary. None of them. It’s just going to be the two of us.” He told her, soothing away her worries. Though, she had a point. What if he were to get stuck in a time with no means of getting back? God. Just the mere thought of Vanya growing up without him scared him. Instilled a fear within his mind. Yet he had to push them away. He needed to do this. To try. Then, his future could officially begin.

With one final squeeze, Five released his hold on special violinist. He flashed her a reassuring smile as if he’d told her to not worry about him nor say a word during dinner.

Just as he turned towards the stairs, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He peered down and saw Vanya’s hand stopping him.

He raised a brow, “What’s wrong?”

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Promise me that if you were to get stuck somewhere with no means of getting back, that you’d find a way to come back to me.”

Five’s breath hitched. She didn’t need to tell him that. He already knew. He’d do anything and everything to get back to her. His sole reason of even endearing the constant training and annoying siblings that he cared for here and there.

“Promise me, Five.”

“I promise you, Vanya Hargreeves, that I’ll do everything in my power to come back to you.”

Sadly…

Just like any other promise…

It was made to be broken…

“Okay. I’ll be holding you to that, sir.”

“You wound me, dear…”

A/N: Wow! This one is a tad longer than my previous one shot! I just had so much fun writing this one, especially since it kind of goes along with the dinner scene during the flashback scene of episode 2 of the series. I just like how Young Vanya shook her head and then look upset/shock to see Five run out. And then the whole Five screaming out Vanya's name first? Yeah. I just had to write a little something that could add to the fan theories/explanations as to why Five screamed out her name first. Anywho, now that this is done. I'm thinking of doing like a mini-series! Maybe even ask you guys to comment something you'd want to see Five x Vanya do behind closed doors. A funny idea I have right now is Five, giving in to his big ego, proving that he's the better protector than Luther, and the two have this weird competition while Reginald is away. So that should be fun! disclaimer: Now, I'm fully aware of the discourse between whether the Hargreeves are considered to be engaging in incestuous relationships or not (I especially acknowledge the arguments coming from people who are indeed from adopted families). I also know that the fandom will always be divided because of it so please do not send any hate comments on this story. If it is not your cup of tea, then do not read it. Simple as that. Anyway, I hope you guys like this!

Don’t forget to leave a kudos/comment on your thoughts! I love hearing them! :)

- Kim

[wisdomfish]

[Dysfunctional Mother-Daughter relationship, death of a sibling, molestation, repeated rejection, and the desire for power. These are some of the 'psychological' reasons why Laura wanted to become Jake. So she did. Then the truth became known...]

There was no way she was ever going to go back to being a female. She hated the thought of being a woman. Being a man was exactly who she was supposed to be. Or so she thought...

Laura Perry was deep in the transgender lifestyle. She was taking hormones, legally changed her name to Jake, got a double mastectomy and had all her female reproductive organs removed. She was “the happiest” she had ever been in her life — except she wasn’t...

Perry began fantasizing about being a boy early in her childhood. She felt unloved by her mother... Her mother, Francine, had lost two boys before giving birth to Perry. So Perry always thought, “Maybe mom wishes one of my brothers was still alive instead of me. I knew they had wanted three kids. If one of my brothers had lived, I probably wouldn’t be here. I used to fantasize… about being my brother.”...

She was molested at age 8 by her friend’s 9-year-old brother. Though it happened once, “it really changed me… I became so sexually addicted.” She was sexually active as a teen but she found herself getting dumped by all the boys. “I began to feel jealous because I felt they (boys) had all the power … they were in control,” she recalled, pinpointing another reason she wanted to be a man...

In 2007, Perry, who was addicted to both sex and porn by then, began the process of transitioning. She wasn’t interested in receiving counseling. When the psychologist pointed out that Perry had serious issues with her mom, Perry immediately reacted with anger and said she did not want to talk about it. So the psychologist just ended up handing her the letter. Thinking back on that moment, Perry wonders, “I’m so sad looking back… she didn’t try to counsel me. Why didn’t she realize that that’s (issues with her mom) where a lot of this was?”...

Once she started on hormone treatments, the first couple years of being a man was “absolute bliss.” That’s usually the case for most people at the beginning of their transitioning journey. But “studies don’t ask them 10 years later” how happy they are, Perry noted...

They also stopped attending the support group meetings about a year later because “we were more depressed when we left than when we got there,” she said. “We thought these people are the most depressed people in the world. We could not see the connection that it was because transgenderism will lead to depression because it’s not real. It is a lie from the pit of Hell. You cannot change your gender. It’s just not biologically possible.” Two years after her hormone treatments, she got a double mastectomy because she still “wasn’t feeling like a man yet” and felt the surgery would help take care of that. She returned to work a month later after the surgery but her boss, a lesbian, confronted her, saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you but you’re depressed, you’re moping around, you’re not working as hard … I want the old Jake back.” That comment shocked Perry. She thought she was happy, especially after making all the changes to transition. But “all I had done was change the outside of my body. It didn’t change anything and it was devastating. I wanted it so badly.” “I remember feeling like Satan had revealed his hand to me and he began to gloat: You fell for this. What are you going to do now?”She realized that it was all a lie and that she couldn’t really be a man but at the same time, she really didn’t want to be a woman. Eventually, Perry ended up getting all her reproductive organs removed.“I thought maybe another surgery, maybe another month of hormones — there was always this elusive freedom out there that I was going to have one day, this elusive happiness out there. But it never came,” she testified. “Even though I realized it was a lie, I wanted so badly to erase the existence of Laura. I didn’t want to be a girl. I realized I couldn’t be a man but I didn’t want to be a girl so I resolved to just live life somewhere in between. What had promised to be freedom for me had become my prison cell and I was in bondage to this lie I had believed.”...

“That night, I gave my heart to Jesus,” “I was saved in 2014 but I wanted to be a man of God,” she said. That’s when God began to reveal the “insanity” of transgenderism to her. “God really began to convict me and I no longer wanted to be transgender. But I tried to convince myself that I was a man. I grasped at straws. I tried to think of everything… I was so desperate, I didn’t want to be a woman. I hated the thought of being a girl because of all those guys in high school who made me feel like it was a dirty, useless, worthless thing to be a female.” She tried to put off transitioning back to Laura, even making the excuse that Jesus will return soon and take her up to Heaven. But when her mother told her she had been studying about the judgment seat of Christ and having to give an account for one’s life, that’s when Jesus whispered in Perry’s ear: “If you stood before me tonight, what name would I call?” “I knew He was not going to call me Jake,” she thought as she felt condemned. “You cannot claim to love me and yet reject my creation,” she recalled Jesus telling her. “I thought He was condemning me to Hell but in that moment, in the most loving voice,… He said ‘let me tell you who you are.’ I was already defined. I was out there trying to find who I was. ‘You are already defined.’

“What if I hang on to this identity I want so bad and I end up in Hell, far away from God?”

~ Sheryl Lynn

[iheartbuckynat]

Infinity War Spoilers (I need to vent and word-vomit and I have SO MANY EMOTIONS)

Random thoughts and a ton of spoilers...

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Who is/going to be permanently dead:

I’m actually only worried for the following characters: Heimdall, Loki and Vision. Gamora will quite clearly be one of the central figures to bring about Thanos’ demise since they’ve suggested pretty heavily that she’s trapped in the Soul Stone. Also, they can’t make a GotG 3 without her (and of course they’ll make a 3rd one). Plus it goes a long way to explain/lessen their use of the whole ‘kill a woman for all the man-pain’ trope, which would be kinda terrible if that really was the true plan (and I don’t think the Russos would stoop to quite that level). So yeah, Gamora will be fine.

Shuri might fix Vision, but like Jarvis and Groot whose successors are different people, I doubt Vision will be completely the same. Who knows, maybe Shuri did something to download his memories/personality? (One can only hope!)

Loki’s growth throughout the MCU has been huge and he’s now gone full circle: from hero to villain to anti-hero back to hero. He repaired his relationship with Thor, but he killed people in the past and so he has a lot to answer for, plus there’s no plot-driven need to bring him back, his death is good revenge-fuel for Thor (even though a 3rd fake death might be nice and in keeping with who Loki is - the trickster who always gets away - they did really hammer home in the movie that this was for real... doth Thor hammer it home a little too much, though? Mayhap. Or maybe I’m just being naïvely hopeful). Heimdall, as beloved as he is, is a secondary character. Unless they bring ALL of Asgard back - which would be nice, since Thor could kind of go there and rule a less colonial-like version of it for the rest of his days after they defeat Thanos (he’s obviously not going to stay on Earth since Hemsworth’s contract is up), but I don’t know. It would be kind of cruel to erase everything Waititi did in Ragnarok (or maybe that’s why he was able to have so much fun? Because he knew that IW was going to need a destroyed Asguard to work? So he had a lot of freedom to play?)

Those 4 were the only ones not ‘snap’ killed (aside from the Asgardians on the ship - and, yeah, they better not have killed off Valkeryie! I am hoping she’ll turn up in A4? Thanos only killed half of all the Asgardians so I’m thinking she took the survivors to get away when Thanos let them go, and that when they’re safe she’ll come back? Maybe even with Sif? (Doubtful, though)).

As a lot of other people have mentioned, Captain Marvel is in the 90s and there have been rumours of time travel. Those who were snap killed will certainly return so I’m not worried about any of those deaths... But I love Heimdall and Loki, and I’d feel bad for Wanda if Vision didn’t come back.

I hope they do bring them back.

I hope Valkyrie escaped with Korg and some of the others and is keeping them safe on some random planet. T_T

I’m also a little worried for Steve, Thor and Tony, although since they pulled a semi-‘gotcha’ with Tony looking like he was certainly going to die only to survive, and with all their mentions of a wedding and kids, I think they’re done with the ‘is Tony going to die’ drama and just have him retire. It’s been 3 Iron Mans, 2 Avengers and a Captain America of Pepper/Tony angst. CACW was the full break-up drama, and for the past 2 films, Pepper and Tony have been happy. They’re not going leave them in a bad place. It’s a superhero movie, and to paraphrase Deadpool, I doubt they’ll go DC-dark.

Hopefully they’ll let Steve retire too, but that tweet about Buckycap from the Russo brothers could go 3 ways (retired Steve leaves it to Bucky; dead Steve inspires Bucky to become Cap; or the Russos were faking it - they did lie to us via the trailers, they had fake scripts etc so it’s not impossible) so honestly, I don’t know. They might have to kill off Steve. I don’t want that. Let Steve rest. And it might just be plausible for him to do that after he meets Captain Marvel. She and the new generation of Avengers could give him enough peace of mind to let him retire.

I don’t think Thor’s going to die. They just spent this whole movie telling us that Thor continues to want to help people even when he has nothing left. Usually a character like that is axed in the end to ‘be with those he lost’ or some other trope-y nonsense (it’s not a plot ending I usually enjoy, as you can tell...) and I didn’t get that feeling here. I think, even if we don’t see Thor again in the MCU after A4, they’ll have him off-camera either ruling a remade Asgard/rebuilding a home for the remaining Asguardians, or traversing the nine realms, helping people.

By the way, he was, hands down, the best thing about this movie. They kept all the important parts of Ragnarok, I could see them, and they married it so, so, so well to his more serious side. He felt right. It felt like this was him at his fullest potential. The height of this long personal-growth story from Thor 1. I love that Pirate/Angel baby.

The Death reactions:

Everyone is commenting on how Tom Holland nailed his scene, and he did. He 100% totally did. I was weeping for that poor, scared child. It was like a stab to the heart. And for Tony, knowing there was nothing he could do but hold him... oh my gosh. It tore my heart to shreds. A+++ Tom Holland.

A lot of people said similar things about how well done Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany’s scene was. And it did get my feels going, but there were others that hit me just as hard, literally just as hard as the other two: Okoye seeing T’Challa disappear before her, and her cries for him to come back, just as we see Sam disappear, alone, no-one there with him (Rhodes arrives too late to see it happen) and Rocket has to watch, again, as a beloved Groot dies (... and oh jebus he doesn’t know yet that the ENTIRETY of the GotG gang are dead except for him). Okoye lives to serve Wakanda, she loves T’Challa (not romantically, of course), to her he is the embodiment of Wakanda. Her entire being is dedicated to protecting him, her friend, her king and he just... disappears in front of her. The horror in her eyes, the helplessness of her voice as she begs him to come back... I’m tearing up right now.

Don’t even get me started on Steve. Bucky was the first to go via snap death, and I do have a soft spot for him, so it hit me like a ton of bricks; Steve barely had time to register Vision’s second death and their overall failure before he loses the one thing he had left to tie him to his past - one of the few people he really loved (romantically or platonically, however you choose to interpret it, Bucky mattered). Steve Rogers has been through a lot. This sucked. It sucked so hard. All of these characters have lost so much, and Steve’s no exception. And we didn’t even get a BuckyNat moment (not that I’m mad about it, tbh. I’m glad they resolved the Brutasha thing nicely and kept Bruce’s character from Ragnarok (Waititi’s anxious, awkward nerd is so much better than Whedon’s hypocritical jerk nerd). It’d be way too soon to suggest BuckyNat, but I hope maybe to see it in the BW movie and maybe get a hint of it in A4?)

And then there was Drax. Oh my gosh, Drax! I didn’t realise just how attached to him I was until he was disappearing. I was not prepared for his panic, his soft calling out to Quill, not understanding what was happening to him and desperate for Peter to stop it. It was all just so terribly sad. No matter what he says, it just shows how much he looks to Peter as his leader, how much he loves him. I wanted to hug that big lug.

And then of course, there was Thor watching Heimdall and Loki die... I don’t even want to remember that... and mourning his brother? It was, like, the first 5 minutes and already I was balling. Damn you, Marvel. Damn you.

Ok, that’s enough sad talk.

Things I loved:

- Cap, Widow and Falcon’s entrance. So badass. SO BAD ASS.

- Black Widow in this movie. This was like CAWS Black Widow. This is the BW I love. She didn’t have much screen time but every moment felt right with her.

- Thor’s... everything, really. Every second he was on screen, conscious or unconscious. He was funny, kind, breaking stereotypes, powerful, cool, bad ass... he’s my favourite.

- Peter’s pop culture references. And his basing plans on 80s movies.

- Those plans working.

- Ned. He was on screen for 30 seconds and he made me cackle.

- AVENGERS ICE-CREAM.

- “WHY is Gamora?”

- Wong. He was there for 5 minutes and he was hilarious. “200 rupees” XD

- Drax being ‘invisible’.

- The Gamora/Nebula bond.

- “Dude. You’re embarrassing me in front of the wizards.”

- THE BUCKY AND ROCKET MOMENT WHERE ROCKET WANTS BUCKY’S ARM. THAT’S ALL I ASKED FOR AND THEY DELIVERED. AND BUCKY LITERALLY PICKED UP ROCKET AND TWIRLED HIM AROUND SO HE COULD KILL MORE EFFECTIVELY. THEY ARE KINDRED SPIRITS. WHO BOTH LOVE GUNS AND WERE REPEATEDLY MADE AND UNMADE AND WERE TORTURED AND FELT SO UNLOVED AND OK NOW IT’S BECOMING SAD AGAIN.

- Okoye and her hilarious quips.

- The GotG intro.

- PETER DINKLAGE. WHO IS A GIANT DWARF.

- “Not if I don’t die.”

- Bruce’s inner Hulk conflict.

- Rhodes messing with Bruce.

- “If you throw another moon at me I’m gonna lose it.”

- Peter Quill being jealous of Thor.

- “I would have washed that.”

- Tony’s nano tech.

- Bucky and his quips.

- How Peter got the Iron Spider suit.

- The Red Skull?!!?!?

- “You speak Groot?” / “It was an elective.”

- Understanding Thanos’ terribly flawed plan, his dedication to it and why he really does believe it’s for the greater good, and his genuine, proven, deep love for his favourite daughter. That’s what makes him so terrifyingly real. Real monsters aren’t just evil for the sake of being evil. Real monsters have good parts to them. They love, they’re the heroes of their own stories. But those redeeming features are no excuse for their monstrosity, their vileness. He’s an excellent, complex and terrifying super-villain.

- How Shuri awed Bruce with her super brain.

- Whoever thought to put Rocket, Groot and Thor together.

- “Rabbit”

- “Morons”

- Fury’s “motherfuc-“

- “This is my friend, Tree.” / “I am Groot” / “I am Steve Rogers”.

Where were these characters?!

Antman, Hawkeye and Nakia? I assume it’s because they’ll have biggish roles in A4? It also leads me to think the Antman & Wasp movie might have some serious significance to A4. We already know that the upcoming Captain Marvel will be important, for obvious reasons, but I’m thinking that since Antman & Wasp is the next movie to be shown after IW, it’s probably going to give us something (is that really obvious to other people and I’m just missing something? XD)

(Also, again, where was Valkyrie? And while I’m at it, where was Betty Ross? Will she turn up on A4? Or was that fake too?)

I’m going to go weep in a corner now.

[rantingtyraidsofabrokenheart]

Day 158

We’re doing it again. We’re talking through smoke signals. I post a song, you like it, I post a poll, you reply to it. It’s the smallest of actions. Like a game of ping pong- a tap, a signal, like morse code, to let me know that you know, to let you know that i know you know. But what do we know? Because right now I don’t know a thing. 

All I really know is that i’m lonely. There. I said it. I’m lonely and I’m desperate. I don’t see why I should try to hide it. I’ve never been good at any of it. I never play hard to get because I’m not. I’m easy. I’d never say no. I only ever said no to you. Deep down I know it was the right thing to do but in the surface level all it means is that I’m in a new city with completely new people and I desperately want someone that feels like home. Someone that I don’t have to start from the beginning with. And today, I ran out of options. 

Today I went for a coffee with a friend I’ve made here since starting uni, and, by pure coincidence, a guy we both knew- they met at a summer camp/schoool thing in the US back in 2019, and I met him in august. Back in the summer I liked him as soon I saw him. He seemed interested but a few things happened and next thing you know I end up with his brother. I wish I hadn’t, but I didn’t realize I’d get the chance to see him consistently if we wanted to, and now it seems the moments passed and the circumstances would make it awkward. Thats what I get for never saying no. The coffee went great: we were laughing quite a bit but then he had to go back to study. I wanted to see him again but he didn’t seem particularly interested in the idea. I just- I just want someone to want to want me. To like me as much as I like them. Its so stupid, its such an insecure thing to feel, but I do. 

Thing is, it isn’t even about this guy. He’s great, but if I had the chance to see any of the people I met this summer in London I would be stoked. And it just seems like our interactions never mean as much to them as they do to me. They might remember me, but they don’t have that glowing memory of me. It reminds me of when I started to think about all the guys I’ve been with this summer (I say “all” as if I was with that many). I was fine with having a summer fling, and I knew that both parties agreed on what it was, but the second that my brain realized that that meant that I was also just a fling to them, I felt like shit. I felt, not used, just, unmeaningful. Not meaningless, but also not meaningful. God this is so sad... all of this- this guy, these flings, you- I just want to be loved. I just want to feel loved. And I’ll take any chance I can get. And the easiest option as of late has been sex, so sex it is. Hook-up with some, feel wanted, feel sexy, don’t think about the fact that they don’t want you afterwards. 

What would you think of this? It doesn’t even matter- its not like you could fix it; its not like you would even try to. This is my own shit, and I know that. I’ve known that for a long time, but I don’t know how to fix it. Sometimes I don’t even want to fix it. I just want to keep feeling sorry for myself for being unloveable. Unloveable...i wish i knew what kind of childhood trauma caused that one. The academic validation, the sexual validation, all of it...it’s all just a way to try and convince myself that I can be memorable. I believe my friends love me. I believe my family loves me. But I can’t believe that someone could love me romantically. That’s why whenever something even remotely similar to it arises, I take the chance. That’s why I can’t play hard to get- I don’t want to risk losing that chance. That’s why it was so fucking hard to leave you- it was the closest thing I had ever had to a relationship, and I didn’t want to lose it because I thought it was the only chance I was ever going to get. Rationally I knew it wasn’t, but insecurity isn’t rational, and neither is anxiety. 

I wish I loved myself enough to not want to go back to in search of the love I lack. 

“you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first”...I still fucking hate that phrase. I thought it meant that I wouldn’t be able to love someone at all unless I loved myself first, but I think I get it now. Untill the day I can love myself enough to be alone, any love I might feel for someone will always be tinged with the idea that I’ll be trying to get them to stay- it will love expecting love in return; it’ll be selfish. If I love them hard enough, maybe they’ll love me back.

Who wants to pay for my therapy?

[awkwardnessandbaseball]

CS Valentine’s Day One Shots: Day Eight

TWO IN ONE DAY, HEYO!

Prompt: First “I Love You”

AO3

The first time Killian says he loves her, it’s in his sleep. She’s having trouble keeping her eyes shut, her mind wandering all over the place, when suddenly he tightens his grip on her waist and mumbles into her hair.

“I love you.”

They’ve been dating for half a year, spending more time sleeping together than apart. Their friends have started joking about wedding bells and futures Emma isn’t ready to think about yet, but she always laughs along with everyone else, Killian squeezing her hand under the table when he senses her discomfort.

The truth is, she’s never been loved before.

It’s the oldest story in the book: unloved orphan never finds a home, lives out her young adult life completely independent, and unwilling to open her heart to anyone.

Killian could have stormed through her walls, forcing them down, but instead he’d pushed at them gently, patiently, until he’d found a crack through which he’d fit. The night when everyone else had gone home early and it had just been the two of them, he’d told her about growing up alone – a mother and brother dead, a father distant and then gone for good. She’d listened, eyes widening as she felt their connection forming and strengthening as he spoke.

She’d told him of her own past, and he’d cocked his head, as though seeing her for the very first time.

Afterwards, they were nearly inseparable.

It wasn’t like Emma had never been with anyone before. There had been Neal, the thief who’d tried to frame her but had screwed up his own plan, landing himself in prison. Then Graham, who’d liked her just fine but had been in love with someone else. She’d had flings and one night stands and everything else that fell just outside of the realm of an actual healthy relationship. But Killian was different.

He cooked her dinner and she washed the dishes. He let her pick the movies and the music, unless she was feeling particularly indecisive, and even then, he always chose something he knew she’d like. He held her when she was sad and cold and angry and also when she was happy and proud and excited. He laughed at her horrible jokes and shared her anger at her one co-worker who just couldn’t seem to pull their weight.

Maybe she does love him, actually. She thinks to herself, knowing that any shot she had at sleep is definitely gone now that he’s said those three words. She wonders if he’s thought it while conscious, but hasn’t voiced it for fear of scaring her off. He’s right to be afraid, as she’s definitely tried to push him away before when things became too much.

The first time she realized they’d spent a solid week sharing a bed at night, she hadn’t answered his calls for three days, until he showed up at her apartment with flowers and some version of The Princess Bride with extra scenes she hadn’t seen before, as though everything was normal. She hadn’t been able to shut him out when he barged in like that, and within an hour, she was in his arms on the couch, questioning why she’d wasted three days of her life avoiding someone who cared for her like this.

She’s still awake, wondering if she should tell him she heard him, or maybe just say the words even though she’s not sure, when light trickles in through her window. She’s glad she’s off today, that it’s a Saturday so she can be lazy and stay in bed for as long as she wants. He stirs beside her as she starts to finally drift off. She feigns sleep when he sits up, forcing her breathing to be even and slow.

“I love you,” he says again, but this time he’s awake and telling her when he thinks she can’t hear him.

He does mean it then, and is just trying desperately to let her know without sending her running for the hills. He kisses her forehead, and her eyes flutter. She pretends to wake up and he grins down at her.

They agree on breakfast in bed, and he goes to make pancakes and eggs to bring back for them to share.

She wonders if they should move in together. Maybe that conversation would be easier. It’s more logical than the emotions involved in the three words he’s whispered to her twice now. They spend nearly every night together anyway, so shouldn’t they save on time and rent and bills by just living under one roof?

Emma knows even as she thinks it that it won’t happen. She’ll never bring up cohabitating just like she’s not sure if she’ll ever tell him she loves him. She wonders how long he’ll stick around before he gets tired of constantly climbing the new walls that pop up around her. He’ll leave her, surely, when he realizes just how closed off she really is.

It’s just as well, since that would save her the trouble of trying to voice the fact that she's realized that she does love him. Undoubtedly and completely.

Shit.

He comes back into the room, a smile on his face and a breakfast tray he’d purchased a week ago just for occasions like this, when they don’t want to leave bed for any longer than they need to. There’s a rose in a vase on top and when he sets the tray in her lap, she sees the pancakes are shaped like hearts. She looks up at him, confused.

“It’s, um… Happy Valentine’s Day, Swan.” He scratches behind his ear, clearly thrown off by the fact that she hadn’t known what day it was. Were holidays like this important to him?

Emma is torn between trying to make holidays like this important to her because she loves him, and figuring that they can’t be all that great for each other if he believes in corny Hallmark holidays. She’s unsure of what to say when he speaks again.

“I know it’s a stupid holiday, and I didn’t get you a gift or anything, but I thought at least our first Valentine’s Day together should at least have heart-shaped pancakes. Or something.”

“So it’s… Valentine’s Day isn’t, like, important to you?” She finally finds her voice as he sits beside her, arranging his pillows – his pillows? – so he can lean against them. He laughs, reaching for a forkful of egg.

“No, Swan,” he says after he swallows. “It’s a false holiday made up to sell more candy and flowers.”

She leans over to kiss him then, nearly toppling the breakfast tray as she does so. He reaches out one hand to steady it while the other hand buries itself in her hair.

“I love you,” she says. She’s amazed by how simple it is to say once she’s resigned the fact that it’s the truth. He’s done so much before to get her to open up and let him in, that she thinks maybe for once she should do it on her own. “I love you,” she says again with a laugh, and he’s grinning at her, seemingly as shocked as she is by the admission.

“You do?” he asks, her chin in his hand.

She nods once, realizing that he hasn’t said it back yet. He said it first, really, but it didn’t count since he didn’t know she could hear.

“Well I suppose it’s a good thing I love you back then, isn’t it?” He’s kissing her again, and the tray in her lap nearly crashes to the ground before they both stop and stare at it. She gently takes it and places it on the ground. “I made you pancakes…” he whines halfheartedly.

“To hell with the pancakes,” she says against his mouth, and their breakfast grows very, very cold by the time they’re ready to eat.