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bondsmagii · 3 years

Note

Regarding this cat that is perhaps not a cat at all. Definitely not MY cat.

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Orla McDonald, regarding a cat that is perhaps not a cat at all. Original statement given July 3, 2012. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

It started after Bella died. Or I suppose, after I thought Bella died. Bella was – is? – my cat, or at least I think she is, or was. I got her as a kitten and she’s now seven years old, if she’s actually still alive at all, which I’m pretty sure she must be as I saw her just this morning, when I was on my way here. Bella is a beautiful cat, long-haired, that grey colour they call blue and that I never understood until I looked at Bella when the light was just right and I could see she did look kind of blue after all. She has eyes to match, too – big and sea-blue, like you could dive right in – and she’s more photogenic than I am. Temperament wise, she’s a very chill cat. She likes to relax in the sun, stretch out over the sofa, basically just laze around as the lady of the manor. Altogether a very typical cat, right? Nothing remarkable at all.

Well, all apart from one thing. Every so often, perhaps once every few months, Bella just goes wild. It’s not like, you know, her time or anything, because she was fixed as a young cat because God knows I can’t be doing with kittens. Apparently it’s normal for cats to have times of the day where they just go crazy for some reason, running around and making a mess and yowling, but she doesn’t do that. It isn’t every day, or even a once a week thing. And it doesn’t last for a brief period of time, like what all the things I’ve read have said. She’s fine for months, chilling out and sleeping on the sofa, and then one day she’ll just wake up and it’s like a wild animal has moved into my house. She doesn’t go outside as a rule, because I worry too much about her, and usually she’s fine with that. But when she enters this state she will absolutely get out of the house no matter what. As soon as I open the door to go to work or to put the rubbish out, Bella will shoot out through even the tiniest gap and off she goes. There’s nothing I can do about it at all. Once – and only once – I tried to stop her, and she clawed up my arm so badly I still have scars. It was the first and only time she’d ever scratched me, and I was stunned. It got the message across, though. I’m not happy about it, but I have no choice but to let her out. I worry about her, but it’s not like I can stop her, and also I don’t particularly want her in the house when she’s in that mood? It sounds neglectful, I know, but she really does just rip the place apart.

There’s a lot of danger when it comes to cats outside, and I live right by a main road, and yeah. I won’t go into detail, but the inevitable happened. I wasn’t too shocked? I mean, I think deep down, I always knew. That’s what happens, right? Obviously I was devastated, and finding her was… well, I didn’t find her, I should say I found out, because she had a collar and the driver… God, I feel so sorry for her too, you know? She was so good about it, she could have just driven off because that’s what most people do when someone hits a pet on that road – my neighbours just let their cats run wild and I’ve called the RSPCA so many times but anyway, that’s not the point. The driver was only a young girl, maybe eighteen or nineteen, couldn’t have been driving long. She brought Bella up to my door, wrapped tight in a blanket like she was sleeping. Thank God there wasn’t any visible injuries. We even talked for a little bit; I tried to reassure her that I didn’t blame her, that it wasn’t her fault, but I don’t think she believed me. How could she? I still think about her even now, wishing that I could somehow explain that Bella was still alive, but… I’m not even sure that’s what’s going on, but if it makes her feel better, right? I don’t know. I brought Bella into the house and I just sat with her for a while, talking to her. Calling her a little idiot, asking what got into her. Telling her I loved her. You know. That kind of thing. I held her in my arms and rocked her like she was a little baby, and after some time – I’m not sure how long, maybe half an hour? – I became aware that she was moving. She was moving around in the blanket like she was trying to get out, and in my shock I let go and the blanket fell into my lap and out she jumped. She even gave me an indignant little meow as she did so, like I’d been deliberately keeping her in there. She sat, washed a paw, and then trotted into the kitchen where I kept some food laid out for her. I just sat there in shock.

I mean, cats have nine lives, right? That’s what they always say. I’m not sure what Bella got up to on her other trips outside, but as far as I knew, she’d never lost a life before. She’s always been a healthy cat, no scares, no accidents until that one. I get that it’s just a saying, but something in me wondered if there was more to it then. I was sure she was dead. She might not have been, because admittedly I didn’t check for a pulse or breathing or anything, and the accident had just happened so she wasn’t cool or stiff. The only proof I have is the weight there was to her when I took her from the young driver’s arms. It’s called a dead weight for a reason; it wasn’t the sleepy heaviness she had when I would try and get her to budge over at night, or how she would go deliberately limp when I lifted her away from something she wasn’t allowed to eat. This was a different kind of weight, and while I’ve been fortunate enough to have never handled any kind of dead body before then, I just instinctively knew what that weight was; what it meant. It was so heavy – literally the absence of all life. She was dead, and then she wasn’t, and of course I was glad for it but I was naturally very uneasy.

After a couple of days I brought her to the vet. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop analysing her for signs she might be acting differently, or I suppose for proof that I hadn’t somehow imagined it. I explained what had happened to the vet, but I suppose I chickened out of saying that she was absolutely dead – I don’t think the vet would have believed me. Or at least she would have explained away how I must have been mistaken, and I know I wasn’t mistaken but I also know I would have probably been so eager to believe her that I would have convinced myself I was, and I don’t know. I just said she seemed dead, and then she was fine. They put Bella through a bunch of tests and scans and sure enough everything showed up just fine; their best guess was that she hadn’t been struck at all, but had maybe just had the life frightened out of her and passed out or something, like how a person can get a shock and faint. I suppose that’s not impossible? Something about the vet’s choice of words struck me, though. Frightened the life out of her. It really did seem like that was what had happened – like whatever made Bella Bella had been… taken. Or vanished. Like the fear had replaced it entirely.

That’s not to say Bella was a frightened cat after that. She acts much the same, if I’m honest. She’s still pretty chill, she’s still always lazing around not doing much of anything, but there’s something just off about her. There’s a look in her eyes that I can’t quite explain. Have you ever seen an animal and you’re kind of like oh my God, it looks like a little old man or old woman or something? There’s just something about the face that looks so human, or they pull an expression and you just know what they mean? It was kind of like that with Bella’s eyes – they looked human. Sometimes she looked at me with an understanding that was beyond… beyond what a cat should be able to conceptualise. I know, I know, we don’t actually understand as much about animal intelligence as we’d like, and we don’t know just how much about their environment they do or do not understand, but I’m telling you it was different with her. She had never acted like that before and I’d never seen her look like that before. It’s so strange. I considered maybe some kind of brain damage affecting her personality, but the vets found absolutely no injuries at all. I even took her back to ask about it, just saying that she was acting out of character, but they could find nothing wrong with her that time either. Scans came back fine. She was her usual self with the vet. I felt – I feel – like I’m going insane.

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, I’ve started noticing some… really odd things. A couple of weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night, just wide awake like something had deliberately woken me. I couldn’t remember hearing anything, but I just knew that something, some noise, had woken me. I sleep deeply, too, so it would have to be some noise – I mean, I’ve actually slept through a fire alarm once, it’s that bad. Whatever happened had to be some kind of I don’t even know, explosion or something, or it had to have happened very close to where I was sleeping. I sat up and turned on my light, and my bedroom door was fully closed. I never fully close it because Bella likes to come in and out, but it was completely closed and when I went over to look, there was a crack in the wood running from the top and bottom of the panel where the handle was attached. It looked like it had been slammed shut with extreme force, and I suppose that’s what woke me. I was confused, obviously, and I didn’t even consider the implications until I heard footsteps on the stairs. Thankfully they were running away from me, but I heard them as clear as anything – thud thud thud on the stairs, like a fully grown man in heavy boots. I was absolutely petrified. I had these horrible thoughts of some creep sneaking around in my room while I was asleep, but nothing was moved and there were no prints on the carpet and the room didn’t feel like anyone had been in there. It didn’t seem as… well, as simple as that, so I found the courage to ease the door open and peer out. The house was still and silent, and as I crept towards the top of the stairs I knew that I was definitely alone in the house – there was no other presence. I finally looked around the corner and down the stairs and the only thing I could see was Bella’s vague outline, sitting at the bottom of the stairs and looking right at me, her eyes glinting in the dim light.

I don’t know why she frightened me so much then. I think it was because of the glow of the streetlight outside, coming in through the frosted glass of the front door. I suppose the effect of the glass could have caused it, but for a moment her shadow… didn’t match. It was elongated, jagged, like her joints were all harsh angles. Like a bare tree in winter, all knots and wild angles, sharp and rough. Whatever fur she had didn’t show up in the shadow – she looked short-haired or even hairless, and her jaw was longer and more canine. I took a half-step back and from that angle her shadow looked normal again, and she meowed at me and trotted quite normally into the living room and out of sight, but I didn’t miss the way she looked at me. I got the distinct impression that she knew I had seen.

It sounds ridiculous, I know. Even writing this, I feel stupid. I do think maybe I should go and speak to someone, because now I’m laying it out I do wonder if I might have just suffered a horrible shock thinking Bella was dead, and then I’ve just created this strange story around the whole thing. Maybe she was fine. Maybe she did just faint. Maybe it’s all in my head. I have no idea, but something about it just doesn’t seem that simple at all. I keep going back to that old saying, that cats have nine lives. Perhaps I’m thinking too deeply into it, but I have to wonder if those lives are all the same one. I mean, does it just refer to close calls? That they get lucky and get more tries? Or do they get nine separate lives? If they do, where do they get the extras from? Is it still theirs, or does it come from… somewhere else?

I don’t know if Bella is still a cat, but even if she is, I don’t think she’s still… my cat. Or maybe she is? I don’t know. I’m still glad she’s here, but… well. I sleep with my door closed now. With the chair against it. And that’s not really normal, is it?

ARCHIVIST

Statement ends.

This is certainly one of those statements that makes me wonder why I’m here. An unnerving story, yes, but I do wonder if this isn’t an exercise in creative writing or perhaps as Ms McDonald said: some kind of post-traumatic episode following the shock of believing her pet to have met an unpleasant end. If it is, I imagine that the shock will eventually wear off and Ms McDonald will stop believing that her pet cat has been possessed by some kind of entity, or whatever she believes is going on. There isn’t much to investigate in regards to this, either – the nature of the incident makes it very difficult to ascertain facts, and checking with the veterinary clinics in the area of the address Ms McDonald provided was a waste of time. They either don’t remember any such cases, or they are not inclined to discuss patient information.

As for Ms McDonald herself, she has since moved away from the property and left no forwarding address. The house is, as reported, situated on a main road and the residents there suffer all the frequent calamities from having one’s front garden directly attach to a road with a 60 mile an hour speed limit – collisions with pets and cars emerging from driveways, and occasional car-house collisions. A few neighbours remembered Ms McDonald and reported that she was a pleasant and completely unremarkable young woman, causing no trouble and certainly never acting like she might be suffering from any kind of mental distress. A few neighbours also recalled Bella, having seen her stalking through their back gardens or, more frequently, sitting in Ms McDonald’s living room window. Nobody reported anything strange about the cat at all; certainly not elongated shadows. It was impossible to track down the driver of the vehicle said to have struck Bella with the information provided with this statement, and with that any potential leads were exhausted – though I confess to not being entirely sure where they might have led to even if we had found them.

Not exactly debunked, but certainly not worth filing away as open. I’m considering creating a new designation for statements containing material perhaps better discussed with a therapist.

End recording.

#tma #statement prompts #my writing #fakements #long post #anon #asks

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traumaconvos · 4 years

Text

There’s a fear I have that is the core of everything driving my fear and anxiety. The fear that I will never be good enough. The fear that no matter how hard I work and how hard I fight to become a better version of myself no woman will ever accept me, let alone love me. The fear that I will always be disposable to an employer no matter how much objective value I add. There’s other stuff sure but this is the issue at the core of it all. That part of me feels fucking terrified that those thoughts are absolutely correct. The logic of the fact that these circumstances are the ones I’m living in are what keeps those thoughts present. It’s what triggers me more than anything else. Talking about it in therapy was difficult because it changed my entire mood which is why I’m writing all of this out. It feels overwhelming and all consuming to think that those fears are who I am. When I’ve talked before about feeling trauma in different parts of my body its usually a feeling in my chest (or strangely, my arms?) but this is like I’m completely and totally covered by it.

That feeling is reinforced with women. The blunt truth is I was the problem for a long time - but the counter argument to that is that’s because I wasn’t socialized because my parents homeschooled me and failed to give me proper socialization - and because its hard to distinguish between when I was the problem or when the women were the problem, because I’m the only constant in the equation I feel like I’m the problem. This is on top of the logical, imperial, objective fact that I’m overweight and that’s a deal breaker for a lot of women. I don’t blame them for that. I’m not even really expecting anything if I try to pursue someone despite being so not confident in myself. Its more the fact that I want to be given a chance because I feel like at my core I know that I have a good personality, I treat others well and I would treat a woman well. I started badly interacting with women and doing stuff that when I look back now makes me cringe that I ever even tried because I had no freaking idea how to communicate with them. Looking back now that I’ve interacted with women over the years and learned more about communication I know that if I went back to basically any point in college I would have had infinitely more success. I know that and actually feel confident in it. To an extent I feel confident in how I can interact with women and make them want to be with me. But I don’t trust that they fully accept me. I’m afraid of being vulnerable because I’m still that kid who feels like he’s the base of the problem. Because I feel like I’m the problem I hyper focus that onto my weight. I know that even if it isn’t the the complete picture for why I’m single, its a factor. It feels easier to say that my weight is the problem then it is to acknowledge that I feel like I’m too fucked up to ever be accepted or loved.

The feeling of abandonment with my family combined with the feeling of rejection from women plays into the rejection that I feel from work related purposes as well. When I got rejected from Storybrand, when I thought that I had a good chance, I don’t just feel the weight of rejection from jobs. I feel the abandonment. I feel the rejection. I feel the idea that no matter what my intrinsic value is, I’ll never be considered good enough. I’ll never be fully accepted. If I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing then I’m disposable. I think if we have to identify a core fear of anything its the overwhelming fear that I’m disposable and mean nothing. Yes that’s hyper focused in jobs because as a favorite saying of FW goes “everyone is replaceable”. I somewhat laugh because even typing that I see what a toxic environment it was. But that’s the core fear beneath everything. That people that I love and I care about will reject me, dispose of me, abandon me and ultimately replace me. Its the fear beneath everything because frankly its happened to me a lot. I know I’m not alone in that and I know other people have dealt with that. But all of the times I’ve been disposed of have left a scar and a fear where it might happen again. Every time it happens I feel like I, as a person, am meaningless and my life has no meaning. I’m not saying when I type all of this that I don’t have points where I feel accepted or loved, because I do. I’m just having a constant fear that those things will be taken away from me because I’m not good enough. To me, unconditional love doesn’t exist. I am one argument, opinion or screw up away from losing anyone. That’s why I’m afraid. That’s why I always retreat. Every time I have been rejected, abandoned or disposed it makes it feel like its more likely to happen again. It reinforces those feelings. Which is fucking petrifying.

That’s enough diving into that right now. Its time to distract myself and respond compassionately to that part of myself later.

---

First, let me start off by saying that is completely and totally understandable. But the simple truth in response to your feelings is this: You are good enough and you do matter. Let that sink in for a second. You're so fixated and focused on the fact that if you do this, maybe you'll be accepted or be loved. No. You are accepted. You are loved. You are valued. The emotions that you've felt at the various stages make sense. Logically / cognitively you have felt those things before and those emotions were valid in that moment to process the pain of what you were going through. No one is saying otherwise. It also makes sense that all of these feelings would make sense at a time when you're isolated, unemployed and single. You know what's amazing though? You faced the core of your fears today and you didn't shut down for the entire day. Seriously. That's such a positive step to be able to identify hey this is an emotionally significant moment but you've learned methods to control it and shape it without it ruining you. Take a second and appreciate how much progress that shows that you've made.

Let me start addressing your family stuff with this very simple but very powerful truth: You did nothing wrong. Seriously, you did nothing wrong. Your parents raised you in an environment where you constantly had a fear that any action might lead to an explosively angry reaction by your dad. On top of that any time you started to find your footing emotionally and express the trouble you were having, the response was just narcissistic guilt that you weren't thankful enough for everything they were doing. Your emotions in those situations were valid. Your reactions are valid. You have a very strong sense of intuition and its usually correct. It's ok to trust that sense. I know that the weight that you're feeling of not having a family is so damn heavy. But just because you've made the necessary and understandable choice to cut them off doesn't mean there's a problem with you. You were dealt a bad hand that defined a significant portion of your life. But you know what's incredible? You haven't let it define who you are as a person. You are constantly putting in the work to grow. You're actively making the hard choices to push past it. Family is, for a lot of people, something that is positive and irreplaceable. But here's the thing that you know deep down inside. You have a family. You are loved. You are valued. MM, GW, CG, AH, KS, CC and so many more people love you for who you are. They don't love you because of who you might become. Its not about what you do or anything you do for them. As a person, as a human, you are loved, valued and respected. It absolutely sucks that you weren't taught to feel that from your family but its also absolutely amazing that so many solid people love and accept you as you are, flaws and all. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the shame, pain, anxiety and fear that you feel isn't valid because it is. I'm going to say something harsh that you know but you've never admitted to yourself. You will never have a traditional family. You will never have the experience that a lot of other people do. That's ok. it doesn't make you any less of a person. That you have the emotional maturity to recognize that anyone, let alone your family, is so toxic that they can't be in your life speaks to your desire to be a better person and constantly strive to be more. I know that its hard but you should be so proud of yourself, cause, wow. One last thing about this part. I know that you were constantly in fear as a kid. With the way you were treated that absolutely makes sense. But in addition to saying you're loved, you absolutely are safe. Its ok to let go and let your guard down. Even if you don't know why specifically you feel unsafe and afraid now from things that happened 20 years ago, that's ok. You are safe. You are secure. It's going to be ok.

Just like I said before: you did nothing wrong. Because of how your parents chose to raise you it stunted you socially. Because you were stunted socially you had absolutely no idea how to interact with women. That's not your fault. I get that your feelings about why you're single are very valid and very real, but you can let that define you going forward. Acknowledge the emotions. Acknowledge the hurt. But don't let them define you going forward. I get that a lot of cliche advice is just keep trying, plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find it when you least expect it and so on. Going back to what I said earlier. Your intuition is usually right. Trust it. If you don't feel confident and don't want to date until you feel confident in who you are as a person that's ok. The person that you are today is so much more emotionally mature and developed than the person you were a year ago. It absolutely makes sense to keep investing into yourself and working to become who you ultimately want to be instead of the person you don't feel comfortable in today. But I'm going to lay a few harsh truths down. You (relatively) understand women now. I would dare even say you're comfortable with them and know how to banter. The traits that make you a good friend, and to an extent the traits you've exhibited to women who used you, would make you an excellent boyfriend. But its taken a long time for you to learn those appropriate boundaries. It's ok for you to not be at a place today where you don't want to date because you want to keep investing in yourself. It's ok to feel alone and isolated. But you've learned from where you've stumbled before. You're making the healthy and correct choice to invest into yourself to become a more complete person who understands their trauma more. You're not a fuck up. You will be accepted. You are worthy of love. I'm proud of you for the progress you've made and am genuinely excited at the idea of who you are working to become.

Before I even address this, I just want to say how healthy it is that you can even recognize that the rejection and abandonment you feel in the other areas has creeped into the career areas as well. But I have to dispel something I see as false: You are good enough. You are accepted. You aren't disposable. You have worth. You have meaning. Your life has meaning. It's natural that these emotions would pop up based on your background. But just because you left a toxic environment or relationship doesn't mean every relationship is toxic. You've learned. You've grown. You've succeeded in ways that the Jonathan of even 5 years would be impressed with. You do have friends who love you and accept you no matter what. That is unconditional love. I love you. I accept you. You are safe. You are secure. You are valued. You are irreplaceable. You are not defined by your fear. You are not alone. The pain happened. It's real. But the exciting thing is what's happening right now. The fact that you're able to not only accept that it happened but move past it. You're growing. You're developing. You're so driven to work past this. I love you. And I'll do anything to protect you. Just don't give up. Because you're just getting started and I'm excited to see you kick major ass.

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ravenclea · 4 years

Text

Under the rain (Draco X Reader)

Hey ! So this is the first time I post something here, I wanted to apologise for my bad English, I'm French and even if I corrected this OneShot, there might be some mistakes so SORRY IF YOU SPOT ONE. Also, sorry for my lack of vocabulary… I hope you’ll like it anyway.

Y/N : Your name

Y/L/N : Your last name

Y/H : Your House

Y/BF/N : Your BestFriend name

(Night Fury is your horse )

Trigger Warnings : panic attacks, injuries, sadness, death, mourning

It was one of those nights when you couldn't stand living, so you escaped from the Y/H's dormitory to go to the Astronomy tower. you tiptoed through the hallways, trying not to wake up the figures on the canvas. You were struggling with your breath but you were used to it : you often felt overwhelmed and you had a lot of panic attacks during the third year. Professor Sinistra caught you during one your crisis and she offered to give you duplicate keys.

Their wasn't any astronomy class this night, so you sneaked in carefully and you went at the top of the tower. Fresh air stroke your face as you reached there. The sky was full of stars, the moon was shining in the middle of this canopy of heaven. Usually, you felt peaceful just by stargazing a few minutes. It was usually like that, you just had to watch carefully at the sky and you felt at ease except if a professor caught you while tiptoeing to your own heaven.

But this night, it didn't went that way. Even under this wonderful sky, you had a tough time breathing, even if you tried to picture a soft scene in your head, even if you put your nails in the palm of your hand, even if you tried to breathe calmly. You had some difficulty to breathe, since the beginning of this year, you didn't know why though. You were constantly staring at the ground even when Malfoy, your crush since first year, was closer than he's ever been. You couldn't think about something else than Night Fury's death.

It happened during summer break and you didn't tell anyone, not even Y/BF/N. You weren't able to talk about this afternoon, you had been terrified and the simple fact of thinking about horse riding took my breathe away. It was one of the most usual day for both of you, Night Fury was very enthusiast and so were you. You just put a halter on her and you jumped on her back, you loved to ride without anything, you felt more connected to her. It was drizzling but you didn't care, you went to the nearest forest, she was galloping, air was blowing your face, it was delicious, you can't picture another moment where you felt as free as you felt this morning. But suddenly, she stopped dead and fell. You didn't understand at first, my brain wasn't aware of his environment. you get up and you realised something was wrong, you started to freak out but you couldn't do anything. you fell on my knees, whispered a few words to her hears 'you got you, it's okay lovely, we're gonna fix this', and you jumped on your feet 'Wingardium leviosa', you said clearly and you started to flit and you ran as fast as possible towards to your house without loosing your concentration. When you reached your house, you saw your pale mother's face and when you faced your dark horse, you felt it : life had left her. you made her reach the ground and an empty feeling started to take place in your stomach : why her ? Why Night fury ? She was your dearest friend, she knew you better than anyone else, she knew all your secrets, she was the only one you fully trusted.

It happened in july and after that, you refused to go out, you stayed in your room all summer, only leaving it when Y/BF/N came two or three times, but you weren't there, you were locked up in your mind and Y/BF/N knew it but she didn't urge you to tell her, she knew you had a though time confessing some things.

So, this night, you just lied on the floor, struggling to breathe, trying to focus on the sky but you couldn't see any star with all those tears in year eyes when you heard the door squeak. You jumped on your feet, took your wand, ready to use stupefy on the next person who would cross this door. The footsteps were getting closer and closer and your heart was racing in your chest. You couldn't see anything but you glimpsed a shadow and you didn't wait any longer.

'STUPEFY’ you yelled.

The person moaned as she hit the wall behind her and fell on the stairs. You ran to her and used expelliarmus before he or she could do anything. As you touched the other’s wand, you discovered who was lying right here...

'Draco', you whispered as you used lumos to see his face.

He winced as his hand touched his back.

'What the hell have I done to you ?' He was glaring right into your eyes and you couldn't help but glaring back, his were usually grey but this night, you thought they looked darker than usual.

'You're hurt ? We should go to Mrse Pomfrey'.

He frowned as you tried to help him to go back on his feet, you felt guilty as you saw that he wasn't acting at all, he's been really hurt.

'Sorry, I thought it was something scary and...' he interrupted you and pushed you 'Get away from me'.

You were petrified as you looked at him going down the stairs. It was the first time Draco gave you some attention and you had ruin your only chance to talk to him, you thought you were the dumbest of all. You sighed as you started to go back to your tower but Malfoy fell down and you ran to him (as a stupid girl you were).

'Wingardium leviosa' you whispered as you was reaching him.

'What are you doing? Stop that or my father will..'

'hear about this, yeah, I know, fuck off Draco, I'm helping you even if you don't want to.'

You couldn't explain why, but he obeyed and shut his mouth while you were leading him to Mrs Pomfrey. you put him down once you both reached the hospital wing. You knocked on the door while helping Malfoy to stand up. The sweet woman opened to you and she helped you to carry this blonde boy to a bed. She examined him as you explained how you injured him without willing to. She nodded, you couldn't tell if she was listening or not but you weren't able to stare at Draco so you stayed, looking at your shoes.

'You've been raw on him' she whispered as you caught Malfoy's eyes.

They were full of curiosity, you couldn't tell why but all his nastiness had left his grey eyes. You avoided his look and smirked : he didn't steal it, after all. He was gross with everyone, it was just karma after all.

'I keep him here this night, you should go back to your bed Y/N, good...' but Malfoy yelled 'NO' making you blench.

His voice was changing and it reached a high note making you giggle a bit.

'She hurted me, she stays to look after me' he continued as you frowned.

'Absolutely not, I am sorry for hurting you, but I won't stay, I had enough of your company'.

And you just left on that, he was a diva but you surely wouldn't do what he wanted.

Next morning you had potions with slytherins and you smiled when Y/BF/N entered the room, it all became lighter : she was your sunshine, every time she was entering a room, she lighted it up with her smile, with her presence, and she made you feel peaceful. She was your guardian angel, even if she was friend with this damn Parkinson (your were a bit jealous of Pansy, you didn’t hate her at all). Malfoy was right behind Pansy and Y/BF/N and you focused on your cauldron while your best friend came to sit with you.

'Is it true you hurted Malfoy ?' she asked playfully.

She was aware of your crush on him, she was the only person in this damn castle you would confess and she teased you every time with it.

'It was an accident, I was in the middle of a panic attack and he scared me, you know I wouldn't hurt him otherwise' you mumbled as Snape was walking next to you.

'Y/N and Y/BF/N, you seem to have a lot to share with us so come here and tell us what you can smell' said Snape without a look at us.

You both walked through the aisle and sniffed the potion. Just before your class, your sister told you she made amortentia with her new class, she repeated sixth year as she failed last year, so you knew you were about to describe Malfoy's scent (a brilliant mix of lemon, musc and mint), you could smell it, the entire class had his smell and it distracted you.

'Y/N, go first'.

The whole class was glaring at you and it made you blush, you hated attention.

'Hum.. It smells like wood just after rain, and probably lemon' you lied without a doubt as you pressed your hand on your lips. Y/BF/N knew you were lying, you avoided her eyes and the thing you did with your fingers, you were always doing it while lying, but she didn't say anything. Y

Yet, you didn't lie completely, when Draco was passing by, you could smell lemon, you just didn't want to admit it.

'I smell leather and amber with a slight note of musc', it was clearly Theodore’s parfume and you smirked without looking at Y/BF/N, she seemed confused.

'Why do you make us smell amortentia, professor ? We're not capable of doing it, we're not sixth years'

Snape glared at you, he was next to Malfoy and you had to focus a lot not to look at this blonde guy.

'Are you doubting my knowledge, miss Y/L/N ?' he said with a calm voice yet full of reproach as you blushed.

'No, absolutly not, you just...'

'10 point from Y/H, go to your sit'.

You pouted and mumbled an insult as Y/BF/N and you sat back, for some reason he always hated you whereas you loved him, he had a lot of knowledge even if he had a shitty behaviour toward students.

'What is Amortentia ?' asked Y/BF/N as Snape was opening his book of third year.

'Go on Y/N, explain' he muttered without a look at you.

You were a living dictionary to him since you loved to learn things before his class, you already knew your program by heart and you were studying sixth year's program (just for fun), other Y/H were great in potions but you excelled in it.

'Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in the world. It is distinctive for its mother-of-pearl sheen, and steam rises from the potion in spirals. Amortentia smells different to each person, according to what, or who, attracts them.' you replied without lifting your eyes from the potions' book.

'So you're attracted to rain and lemon, who smell like that ?' asked Malfoy with sarcasm, you rolled your eyes, he was being stupid as usual.

'And you, what do you smell, uh ? Tell us, it seems more interesting than what I smelled, so go on' all of the colours on Draco's faced disappeared a second and then he became all red and started to stutter.

'Malfoy, Y/L/N, stop'.

The rest of this class was boring but it was raining outside and this satisfying sound made you smile the whole time, especially when Snape opened the window and this amazing smell reached to you. Y/BF/N and you split after class and you pouted, you were in different houses and you hated being separated. Plus, she had class with gryffindors, so it made it worse. You hugged her tight as Pansy waited for her.

This morning has been so long, all you wanted to do was running under the rain and that's what you did at midday, you took a snack and sat in the grass. It was delightful to sit there while these drops hit your skin, making you shiver.

'Enjoying the rain ?' asked this dumb-ass you had a crush on.

'Fuck off, Malfoy, leave you alone' you heard yourself mutter as you took a bite from your sandwich.

'Bergamot, lemon, cedar and leather' whispered Draco as you were eating while enjoying the rain.

'What do you mean ? This kind of tea doesn't exist...' you responded while blushing.

You knew he loved tea, but he didn't know that, no one was supposed to know this kind of thing about someone you weren’t close to, Y/BF/N was so right, you were a stalker. He frowned and sat in front of you in silence, it was weird, his look was intense and you had a tough time to keep looking right into his eyes.

'When it comes to potion, you're a know-it-all, but communication is not your best skill. The potion, it smelled like you.' he finally said, making you choke. 'But, I guess your love interest is this tree, I'm just gonna let you enjoy your...' '

‘I lied, Draco. I didn't want to tell everyone that the entire class smelled like you. Even if you smell like lemon, just a bit. But what the hell ? Why do you smell my parfume?'.

You glared at each other for a long time, maybe ten or twenty minutes, without saying a word, but it wasn't weird, it felt good even if you were soaked now. His fluffy hair was glued to his forehead and his shirt was now transparent, so was yours, though.

'Do you want some?' you whispered, giving a sandwich to him, he simply nodded, he took it and came to sit next to you.

'It feels amazing to just sit there, you're right, rain's scent is cool' he mumbled as he swallowed his bite.

'It's even better with thunder and lightening, but when you're done with your sandwich, we should go back inside to dry before our classes'.

He nodded and smiled.

'You should smile more, it looks good on your face', you said with a smirk.

He laughed a bit and you both stayed silent until you had to split to go to different classes. Since this day, you started to see each other more often, you had some kind of dates at the library and after a few months, Draco started to let you see his soft side to your great pleasure.

#draco x reader #draco malfoy #malfoy #draco one shot #draco malfoy one shot #rain

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made-in-the-hallway · 6 years

Text

Problematic feelings

Word count: 2.083

Requested: Yes

Warnings: Angst and tiny cries.

What’s up fam? I know it has been soooooo long since the last time I published a piece of writing but I felt the need to write wash over me so here I am! This was requested so I got down to fullfill that request! I haven’t proofread that so I am sorry for any typos! Also, I am not very sure of this one but I hope you like it! Feedback is very much appreciated and requests are open too! Without further a due, enjoy! (Picture’s not mine / Masterlist)...

Life had always been somewhat easy for me. That doesn’t mean that it never had its downs as well, but in total, the happy times and the happy memories, outnumbered the bad ones. Someone would assume that I am silly or even insane for thinking like that. But it is the ultimate truth. And I couldn’t be more appreciative of the little but of the big things that came my way as well.

Since I was little, my family was my safe place and they would always be there for me no matter what. It was something that always fascinated me and it was the main reason why I looked up to my parents as well. They were the happiest and the funniest people anyone would ask for to be in their lives. They made it their priority to look after me and make me a rational and most importantly a joyful human being.

As the years were passing by, my parents’ demeanor didn’t change in the slightest bit. Not even my dad’s, even when I brought Harry over to meet him. Harry and I had met at a Uni lesson, Algebra I reckon. We instantly hit it off and we would hang out almost on a daily basis. His presence always placed a smile on my face and warmth in my heart without him even trying. I was amazed at the simplicity of his actions and the importance they carried with them, for they made my day every day.

Harry was too thankful for having me around. At first, he had noticed how closed off I was and he made everything in his power to change that. He would randomly insert a funny comment in our conversation, without it really being relevant. But it did make me more comfortable around him. Then, he would nudge my shoulder when the teacher we both despised would walk into the classroom and I would stifle a laugh because we didn’t want to be expelled.

Anyone watching us would suppose that we were a proper couple. Oh how I wish. I’m not gonna lie. Harry was charming and all but what really made me fall for him so quickly was his personality. I know this sounds cliché as hell, but I can’t state otherwise. Just the way he saw things and his optimism worked like a strong magnet for me, pushing me towards him without stopping. At the time, I knew I was screwed, because I deeply understood that those feelings I had developed for him were one-sided. He never really rubbed it in my face that he hadn’t taken a liking in me, but he never confessed he liked me either.

So things between us were stable; at least for a month or so. There were times when I wouldn’t hear from Harry for almost two weeks. The time we spent apart was tearing me apart and no matter how many texts and voicemails I would leave to his cell phone, they were all sent in vain. The situation changed when he appeared on my doorstep – after 36 days of absence- clarifying that we needed talk. At first, I was scared he wanted to call it quits with me and just leave me be.

But the complete opposite happened. He confessed that I was on his mind from the very first day his eyes landed on me and that he wanted to risk our friendship in order to become something more. This had to be the best day of life. Just thinking about it, makes me feel all the butterflies I felt at that time. So, we continued being together even after our graduation. My parents were ultimately glad for Harry. I mean, how couldn’t they? He was sweet with their daughter, he would always lend a hand when needed and most importantly, he never took advantage of my parents’ hospitality.

Things changed for the better when he proposed though. It wasn’t anything over the top, but it was over the top for me. The boy I had been fantasizing about since day one was on one knee asking me to be his wife. Maybe that was the best day of my life along with the day we were informed by our doctor that we were expecting twins. We were happily petrified. We wanted kids of course, but we had never done that before. How could we make it? Would we make good parents? How would we be able to afford such a lifestyle? Those were questions voiced to Harry by me, making my uneasiness and fears visible to him.

“As long as we’re together, nothing should make us feel afraid”, Harry had commented and that was all I needed; Harry to be there for me; for us. Ever since, he never left my side. He was there even when he needn’t be. Sometimes, he would exaggerate and be worried for the both of us. Deep down, I knew this was all I needed. A family with the man I always loved and a home to protect this affection from the vicious eyes.

But who knew that this affection would be threatened by the only people I would never suspect? Me and Harry. After the twins were born, difficulties and problems started to arise and they made us isolate ourselves from each other. I hated that. I thought we would never be hit by misery and sadness and that our family would be lovingly bonded till the end of time. Maybe, my life had been way too good to me and now it was time I dealt with its nasty face like everybody else did.

Fights with Harry have become a routine by now. Maybe his busy schedule is taking an ugly toll on him that he can’t control. Maybe I am tired of him throwing tantrums at any given moment. Maybe I don’t want our children to be raised in an unfriendly environment like this. Whatever the reason, Harry and I never bottled up our thoughts and emotions and we always took it out on the other. Just like right now.

Lips pursed, hands fisted, eyes burning and words sharper than knives were a usual sight for him. So it shouldn’t be much of a surprise for me as well.

“Harry please stop shouting! I just put the kids to bed for God’s sake!”

“Oh now I can’t even talk, right? Do I need yehr permission to do tha’ as well?” Harry’s tendency to exaggerate was enough to send me over the edge and forget all about my infidelity and my kids’ napping.

“That is nonsense and you bloody know it! You never needed my permission to do anything! If you think that asking for my opinion on things, which is absolutely normal for couples and families, is wrong, then this is highly childish of you!”

“So yeh think tha’ I am a child then! How brilliant! I just can’t believe yeh said yes to marry a child!”

“You know I value our marriage and our family more than my own life Harry! What is wrong with you anyways? You always have my word for my loyalty and devotion to this family of ours but you just pay no attention to it!”

“Don’t even think about accusing me of not loving yeh or my children!” Harry’s blood was boiling by now and if there was a minor possibility to control his temper before, now there was none.

“If you loved and cherished me Harry then we wouldn’t be shouting at this time of night. We wouldn’t even be questioning each other’s feelings. But maybe y-“

“Maybe wha’? Maybe I don’t want yeh? Is tha’ wha’ yeh were goin’ to say?” Harry had taken a few steps towards me and my eyes were started to be blurry when a tiny cry from up the stairs had me frozen in place.

Our older daughter, Emmy, was holding her teddy bear close to her small figure and she wore a disheartened face that I swear it ripped my heart in two. Without wasting another minute, I rushed to her side and she desperately tried to get a hold of me like I were going to abandon her or disappear into thin air. Harry stood in front of the sofa, with his face buried in his hands and his heart fallen to his guts if not the floor of our home. I couldn’t believe we made our daughter believe her parents didn’t love her anymore or they didn’t love each other.

“Baby it is ok. Shhhh… I promise” I tried my best to soothe her and I felt her cries die down a bit. Instantly, I let out a big breath I didn’t even know I was holding and I absentmindedly started rubbing her back and planting small kisses on her small hands.

“Dadda doesn’t lov- love us anymore momma?” she tried to say but her hiccup got in the way. Just when those words fell from her lips, my face was quick to turn to Harry’s side. I was somewhat relieved to see that our daughter’s words had shaken him up a bit and made him come to his senses. That must mean he still feels something; if not for me, then for our kids at least.

He was quick to come to our side and place us inside of his embrace. Truth be told, I never felt safer in my entire life. Just when his arms tied around us, I felt protected. I felt like this black bubble of shouting and menace couldn’t absorb us. Emmy by the way, had stopped crying and she cherished her dad’s hug by wrapping her tiny arms around his neck and him lifting her up to meet his eyes.

“Don’t ever, ever assume tha’ Dadda doesn’t love yeh… Okay princess?” Harry reassured her and she moved her head. If only things were so easy. I had to remind myself that my conflict with Harry was far from over and we had yet to put an end to this. The only thing stopping me from it is my lack of energy. I was beyond tired and fed up with fighting with him. I just want everything to fall into place once again and stay this way for as long as we both remain married.

“Let’s put yeh to sleep now. Princesses need their precious sleep, don’t they?” Harry joked and Emma chuckled. He had a way to make things right; with his kids. I had made my way to our bedroom by then and I was preparing myself with what was coming.

Half an hour later, I heard the door of the room cracking, signaling that Harry was in the room as well. No one said a word, letting the awkward silence consume us and leave us longing for a single reassurance; that nothing was lost yet. I found it completely ironic to be met with desperation and a heavy breathing around Harry when in the past he was the one who fought with those demons.

“What happened to us Harry?” I was the first to break the thick ice between us for it needed to be broken.

“Life I guess…” he dully replied and my heart fell to the floor. I needed to steady my mind, or else the burden of this situation would flip me over in a matter of seconds.

“I am willing to chase life and not let it get in-between. But I can’t if I am alone in this”

“Wha’ do yeh mean Y/N?” he turned to face me and I could have sworn that I saw hope in his eyes. A burning hope to push that restart button together. A burning hope to make it right. Again.

“I mean that I am willing to start it all over. To be happy again. To leave those arguments behind and only look back to them to remind ourselves that we can be better than that. I am willing to give it a try and remind ourselves that our love is here to stay for good. I just need to know one thing Harry” I truthfully said and the look Harry gave me was enough for me to muster up all the courage and hope I had left in me in order to ask him two words. Even though I didn’t have a single clue what his answer would be or where we would be standing after this.

“Are you?”

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amillionmillionvoices · 6 years

Text

hicsqueak. t. written for the #ww2018winterfluffevent (day twelve: baking. barely.)

if i were that kind of grateful (what would i try to say?) (12/31)

Hecate sleeps in the guest room that night, which doesn’t surprise Pippa in the least. She knows Hecate needs her space, needs time to process, and she’s happy to give it to her. Especially when it means, in the morning, Hecate catches her arm before they go downstairs and presses a shy kiss to her cheek.

Pippa, for her part, has a difficult time containing her joy. She can’t quite keep the grin off her face, and though she refrains from touching Hecate too much in front of her family—for Hecate’s sake rather than her own—she keeps sneaking glances over at her throughout the day, certain her expression is as lovesick as she feels.

Hecate, for her part, flushes nearly every time, but smiles back, small and secretive.

Daniel seems fairly oblivious, too busy trying to distract a cabin-fevered Annabelle who keeps whining about wanting to play outside, and keeping her from annoying her brother to pass the time. But Pippa’s parents notice, she’s certain, and her mother keeps giving them warm looks and her father seems to be trying extra hard to pull Hecate into conversation every time she looks too tense or too uncertain.

It’s magical, as far as Pippa is concerned, and as badly as she wants to get Hecate alone for an extended period of time—so they can talk, among other things—she’s so grateful for her family, for their patience and understanding.

As the day wears on, Hecate settles more and more. She argues a bit more passionately, lets slip a few dry comments that have her father belly laughing and her brother near pouting; but he’s always been a good sport, and doesn’t seem offended by Hecate’s absolute lack of interest in his hobbies.

“Oi, at least I have one,” Daniel says, mock-glaring at her.

Hecate looks affronted, but her voice is mild when she says, “I have hobbies.”

Daniel rolls his eyes. “Extra potions work and scaring the daylights out of students hardly count.”

Instead of protest, Hecate glares at Pippa. “Does your family know everything about me?”

Pippa laughs, and squeezes her hand in lieu of kissing her cheek. “Only the appropriate bits,” she says, sending a red flush up Hecate’s neck so bright even Annabelle notices.

“Pippa.”

Pippa grins. “For example, I didn’t tell them you’re a brutal chess player.”

“Brutal?”

“You could at least pretend to let me win sometimes.”

Marie brightens at the mention of chess, hardly waiting for Hecate to give consent before she waves a hand and a board appears on the coffee table.

“Best of three?” she asks, and Hecate nods, and Pippa loses them both for two hours. Her mother, at least, gives as good as she gets, even winning the first round. Pippa thinks she gets cocky, because Hecate soundly trounces her in the second round, and the third is almost a draw, both concentrated and determined. Hecate squeaks by as the winner, and Marie laughs, delighted.

“Oh, it’s been a long time since someone’s given me a run for my money,” she says, jabbing a thumb in her husband’s direction. “This one can’t play for peas.”

“And yet, life goes on,” Bernard says dryly, and Marie rolls her eyes, magics away the board and stands, patting her hands on her thighs.

“Right. Who wants gingerbread?”

Annabelle nearly squeals and even Andrew perks up, climbing off Bernard’s lap and following them into the kitchen. It isn’t long before Marie hollers for Pippa, and she rolls her eyes, plants a kiss on Hecate’s cheek before aiding her mother, unsurprised when, after less than ten minutes, Marie shoos the children from the room and the conversation turns to Hecate.

“So,” her mother says, with all the delicacy of a bull in a China shop. “Developments?”

Pippa rolls her eyes. “Yes, mum. Developments.”

Marie smiles. “It was only a matter of time, the way you natter on about her.”

“I do not natter.”

Marie raises a pointed eyebrow, and Pippa huffs.

“Fine. But can you blame me?”

Marie laughs softly, shaking her head. “She’s very special,” she says, no trace of sarcasm in her voice, but there’s a hint of something else, and Pippa waits a few minutes before sighing, eyeing her mother as she sifts together dry ingredients.

“You want to tell me something you think I won’t want to hear,” Pippa observes.

Marie chuckles. “Am I that obvious?”

Pippa nods, but doesn’t say anything, just waits, and eventually her mother pauses in her stirring, leaning a hip against the counter.

“I just want you to be careful.”

“Careful?”

Marie purses her lips, trying to choose her words. “It doesn’t take a genius to realize Hecate is… different.”

Pippa bristles. “Different how?”

Marie shakes her head. “Not in a bad way, dear, just… she’s been through a lot. From what you told me, just in the last two years alone, but even before that….” Marie looks down at the kitchen counter, frowning. “You know, I remember the first time your father and I met her. At parents’ night. You were so excited to introduce her to us, and… well, you were young, so I don’t know if you noticed, but she was petrified, the poor dear.”

Pippa frowns, tries to think back to that night. She’d been so excited, thrilled to finally, finally, introduce her best friend to her parents. But as hard as she tries, she can’t remember how Hecate had reacted, and guilt washes up her spine.

“I don’t…” she starts, and her mother smiles softly.

“Of course not. You were twelve, Pippa. You were so delighted, but Hecate….” She glances toward the living room. “What I’m saying is, this environment… she’s not used to it, that’s obvious. It might be too much for her.”

Pippa nods slowly. “She slept in her own room last night. We’re not—rushing things.”

“That’s not quite what I mean.”

Pippa frowns, and Marie smiles fondly. “You jump into things feet first, darling. Blind as a bat and all in, all at once, and I love that about you. It’s gotten you so far, and you’ve accomplished so much. But I think…I think you need to be careful. For your own sake as well as hers. I don’t want to see you—either of you—get hurt.”

She thinks first to be offended, annoyed at her mother’s presumptiveness, irritated by the careful way she speaks; it’s on the tip of her tongue to retort, when her mother arches an eyebrow pointedly and says,

“You’re proving my point, dear.”

Pippa closes her mouth and glares, feels chastised, like a child, until her mother smiles kindly.

“My point is: she isn’t used to the kind of affection you are, dear. She may not know how to give it, or receive it. So just be patient, and don’t stick your foot in your mouth.” She pauses. “And be forgiving when she sticks her foot in her mouth.”

Pippa laughs softly at that and nods. “Yes, mum.”

Marie nods and turns back to the baking, rolling up her sleeves. “Good. Now. Where’s the ginger?”

Pippa rolls her eyes, but summons the ingredients and helps her mother assemble the pieces for a gingerbread house—mansion more like, she thinks, by the time they’re done. After everything’s in the oven, they return to the living room, find Daniel, Hecate, and Bernard in a debate about witching politics. Pippa doesn’t quite follow, but she leans against the doorway and watches the way Hecate’s passion for the subject betrays her; little twitches of her hand, the color in her cheeks, and even though she continues to sit ramrod straight and her tone is mostly even, Pippa can see the spark in her eyes, and she loves her.

Loves her so much, it sweeps over her, makes her feel full and warm and a bit teary eyed, and she blinks the moisture away, doesn’t want to worry Hecate when she glances up at her.

Pippa smiles, joins in, settles next to Hecate on the sofa, but not too close, mindful of her mother’s words. Hecate doesn’t touch her, not while her family’s in the room, but the moment they leave to assemble the gingerbread house in the kitchen, Hecate sways into her, just a little, her hand palm up on her own thigh in invitation.

Pippa takes it, tangling their fingers together. “How are you doing?”

Hecate frowns. “I’m fine.”

Pippa bites her lip, stares down at their hands. “You’ll tell me if it’s too much, right?”

Hecate doesn’t answer right away, and when Pippa looks up, Hecate looks nervous, hesitant, finally says, “If you’re having second thoughts….”

“No!” Pippa says quickly, squeezing her hand, shifting to move even closer, to place her other hand on Hecate’s arm. “No, darling. I just—I’ve been told I can be… a bit much, sometimes. And I know the circumstances aren’t ideal, locked in here with my family, I just—”

Hecate shakes her head, brushing her thumb over the back of Pippa’s hand. “I’ve been told the same,” she admits, takes a long moment to parse her words, and eventually says, “You’re correct, the circumstances aren’t ideal. However, that is largely due to—” She stops, and clears her throat. “What I mean to say, is that I would… prefer to have you to myself.”

Pippa flushes, warm and delighted, and she presses her forehead to Hecate’s, tightens her grip on her arm. “I know the feeling.”

There’s a long silence, just the crackle of the fire, and then Hecate’s voice, so soft and so tentative, “Perhaps... I need to return to Cackle’s for a few days, once the storm abates. However, I…” She hesitates, pulls away and stares down at their hands when she says, “I spend a few days in the north of France after Yule, if you wanted to… if you wanted to join me.”

She seems to brace herself, waiting for rejection, and Pippa knows that even if she had a million things planned, she would cancel every one to avoid turning Hecate down. To avoid the embarrassed, almost guilty expression on her face, as if she shouldn’t dare ask for anything.

Pippa grins as brightly as she can. “I would love to.”

Hecate nearly wilts in relief, a small smile tugging at her lips, and she glances toward the kitchen before leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Pippa’s mouth.

She’s barely pulled away when Annabelle comes tearing into the living room, mouth full of gingerbread as she shoves pieces of biscuit in their faces. “We’re building a house come on,” she says, grabbing Pippa’s arm and all but dragging her off the couch.

Pippa laughs. “Alright, alright,” she says, standing, and offers a hand to Hecate. “C’mon, Hiccup,” she says softly, “You heard the lady: we’re building a house.”

#hicsqueak #hecate hardbroom #pippa pentangle #ww2018winterfluffevent #tww17

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hydrospanners · 6 years

Note

Justw ondering what your writing process is like?

It’s me, ya girl, coming at you with an answer twenty years after you asked the question!!! Sorry for the delay; I’m actually really excited to answer this! And I’m excited to be excited to answer this!!!

I am a Perfectionist, Anon. It is not a good quality. For most of my life, I was so petrified by the possibility of someone seeing something I hadn’t polished within an inch of it’s life that I wouldn’t even acknowledge I had a process. I wouldn’t mention I was writing something until it was completely done out of fear that they might want to talk to me about it when I hadn’t finalized everything and I might not represent my very best possible creative work. Also I never really thought of myself as being enough of a writer to have a process. That seemed too good for the likes of me!

But here we are now, in the Year of Our Thor 2019, and I am psyched to tell you every detail of my process and show you a side by side of my first draft and final product!!! That is so much progress for me, Anon, and I didn’t even realize I’d made until you sent me this so thank you!!!

(This is going to be long--please hold your gasps of surprise--so I’m putting the rest under a cut. Seriously I just finished writing this post and it’s an absolute BEAST.)

So my process!! I’m actually trying to make some changes to it to be more supportive of my efforts to kick the Perfectionist habits, but right now it basically looks like this:

1. There is an idea. Often times it comes from a question, like “How would Rea deal with what I’m feeling right now?” or “Is this a problem in space?” or something like that. Other times it comes from a snippet of dialogue that occurs to me while I’m listening to a song or watching tv or driving or in the shower or something. Sometimes it’s as minor as a gesture or a mood. Sometimes I’m just trying to exercise a certain muscle as a writer. This fic sprang up out of me wanting to work on describing settings. Wherever it comes from, I have the idea. I open a new Google doc and I slap down as much of the idea as I have developed.The lines of dialogue or the question I want to answer or just a few sentences about what I want to show or what I’m trying to achieve.

2. Time passes. I might work on the fic in feverish fits and starts, obsessing over it for three days and then ignoring it completely for three weeks. I might not look at it at all. The fic sits fragmented in my WIP folder and marinates. Usually this happens for about 1-3 years after the fic’s initial conception. I’m not joking about this. I think my average time for completing a fic is 2 years. The reason for that is the aforementioned Perfectionism.

3. I get tired of looking at in my WIP folder and/or I commit to some kind of special event/holiday thing. Fictober rolls around and I go on a kick of completing and editing the stuff in my WIP folder or I just get annoyed with myself for not completing things or it’s suddenly Arbor Day again and I have that tree-related fic I started two years ago that I could finally finish! This is when I buckle down and Write The Damn Thing. Once it’s written, I do an immediate edit and then I try to sleep on it for at least one night before going back and editing again. After that I usually like to sleep on it at least one more night before hitting publish. Sometimes I don’t have the self-restraint for all of this or I’m doing an event where I’ve committed myself to publishing something every single day, so the timeline gets compressed to a few hours between edits instead of a full day.

As for my writing set up, I’ve really leaned in to writing wherever I am and whenever I can. That’s more or less why I only write fic in Google Docs even though I passionately love Scrivener. (All my original work, which is more involved, is done on Scrivener.)

I do a lot of writing in the quiet, early hours at work when I don’t have work to do. I do probably my most efficient writing when I hit a diner or coffee shop after work and settle in with my iPad and a snack. I can’t distract myself with doing chores or playing games like I do at home, and working on my iPad makes it annoying to switch tabs and apps and do other stuff while I write. Plus I’m eager to get home and take my pants off so that motivates me to let Perfectionism go and write something bad just to hit my goal so I can leave. At home, I’m usually on the couch with my iPad because I get too distracted at my desk on my PC with two enormous screens making it so easy to do other stuff instead of write while telling myself I’m doing other stuff at the same time as writing.

As you can see!!! I spend most of my “writing time” just trying to make myself at all!!!! It’s really daunting to overcome the fear of writing something bad and big parts of me would rather not write at all than endure the pain of failing at creating what I want to create so thanks Perfectionism!!!

I also have a really, really bad habit of editing while I write. I won’t say I’m the world’s worst editing-while-writing writer but I’m definitely top 100. (Bottom 100?) It’s a huge reason why I have those 1-3 year gaps between start and finish and why my first drafts come out so choppy. My inner editor has me rewriting before I’ve even finished writing and redirecting and it’s so disheartening I can only do it in fits and starts and you can clearly tell the places where I took a two month break before coming back to a fic.

But I’m working on this!!! Like I said, I try to go out and write as much as possible because the desire to be at home without pants on often overpowers my fear of Being Bad and makes it so much easier to give myself permission to write badly. That is the goal. Write Badly. I’m working on it and I’m making progress but I have a long way to go still. For now I have to rely heavily on supports like controlling my environment but one day I will be able to write absolute drivel on demand!! The dream!!!

And now, for your entertainment and to celebrate the fact that I am now somehow able to do this at all, I give you the first draft of the forsythias chapter from fill my lungs with sweetness, including the masterful original title:

??oil?????

Doc slips his hand from the inside of his jacket as he rounds the corner and walks straight into the steel-melting heat of Kira’s glare. Or maybe that’s just the extra sun. Hard to tell on Tatooine.

“Done shopping, Your Highness?” She asks, rolling her eyes at him before she’s even finished asking the question. “Think we can fit saving some lives into your busy schedule?”

Doc just laughs, patting the little bulge in his breast pocket. “People expect a dashing hero when they’re being saved, Junior. I’d hate to disappoint.”

“No one cares how waxy your mustache is when they’re bleeding out,” Kira says. “Ugh. Let’s just go.”

Vii is waiting for them by the speeder, having an improbably good-natured chat with a Gamorrean at least three times her size. They seem to be actually smiling at her, which is something he knows from medical school is technically possible but never expected to see. Kira’s inching her fingers toward her laser sword, always ready to leap headlong to the worst possible conclusion, but Doc waves her off.

He congratulates himself that, despite the withering look she gives him, Kira lets her hand fall. She trusts him at least as far as Vii’s well-being is concerned.

(He isn’t sure how he feels about how everyone seems to know just how deep his interest in her well-being goes.)

“Making friends?” He calls out, keeping his walk casual and slow and his hands clearly visible and clearly far from the blaster at his hip. The Gamorrean’s smile fades at his approach, replaced with the kind of slow-moving suspicion Doc is more used to seeing there.

Vii, however, does not stop smiling. Instead, she turns that smile on him. Brighter and more blinding than both of the suns combined.

“Gorzzak was just telling me about some problem spots in the canyons,” she says, her voice as light and tinkling and utterly sincere as ever. “Nice of them, isn’t it?”

And the thing that he still can’t believe, no matter how many times he sees it, is that it really is nice. Because he’s sure that Gorzzak really did point out all the spots he would normally use to lure unsuspecting travellers into ambushes. He’s sure that Gorzzak, even with only three neurons to rub together, has been absolutely dazzled by the obvious shine of Vii’s heart, just like everyone is.

Doc swallows, his throat starting to feel unbearably thick. Probably from all the sand.

“Very nice,” he agrees. “But I’ve got something even better.”

“How is your mustache wax a gift for—“ Kira stops as she catches sight of his eager grin, her face screwing up in an expression he’s starting to think she saves just for him. “Disgusting,” she mutters, her voice low enough that Vii won’t hear. It isn’t the best-kept secret, but Kira, for all her faults, loves Vii too much to shatter her illusion of secrecy like that. Not even to make a dig at Doc.

Vii watches as he reaches into his breast pocket, her expression openly anticipating the surprise, her glowing eye wide and perfectly prepared to be delighted with him. It’s such a refreshing change of pace, how eager she is to be happy with him. To like him. She never makes him work for it and honestly he doesn’t always know what to do with that.

But right now he does.

He produces the little flask of oil with a flourish and his signature self-satisfied grin. Kira would call it his sleazy smirk, but how can he be expected to think of Junior when he’s got Vii in front of him, beaming like this wretched planet’s third sun.

Doc doesn’t entirely understand everything that happens to him when she radiates like this. When she unleashes the full force of her joy on him and he feels thoroughly cooked from the inside out.

“It’s the good stuff,” he explains. “Imported from Corellia. I’ve only been once, but I remember everything was coated in a fine layer of oil so they probably know a thing or two about making it. Anyway, I know how the joints can lock up with all this sand around. Thought you could use some… lubrication.”

This last point is made for Kira’s benefit, and her revolted snort does not disappoint him.

“The doctor is on call, Gorgeous. Anytime you need oiled up, my hands are ready.”

#on writing #replies #this is extremely long and more detail than anyone probably wanted #but i like to talk about this stuff #and i am very excited to be in a place #where i feel like i have a right to #ive come a long way folks!!!#Anonymous

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catholicismabusedestiny · 4 years

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The Early Years

07.04.1990

The Formative Years

I wish I could say that I had a childhood filled with wonderful memories, but the truth is, I was so miserable, truly scared, frightened and incredibly lonely most of the time with a preoccupation of suicide from the age of twelve. My childhood experiences – and the perceptions that were cemented into my unconsciousness – involved the two basic parts of my life: my family and my relationship with my father; and my time away from home in school, on the playground and in “trying” to do things for approval – like participating in sports.

At home, my father traveled a great deal and – before he would leave on one of his business trips – he would look me in the eyes and tell me to look after my siblings and help my mother out with the kids and the meals. I learned early on that the only way to get parental approval was by helping out around the house – doing dishes, changing diapers, watching the younger kids and being a helper to my mother.

I can remember my father telling me that when my mother was expecting her sixth child (which was born some sixteen months after the fifth child) that she was not to lift the baby in and out of the crib in the final stages of her pregnancy; therefore, he asked me to make certain that if Stephen needed to be lifted into or out of the crib that I should do it. Therefore, during that sixth and final pregnancy, I worked like hell to make things easier for my mother, seek attention and approval from my father and to take care of my siblings. Then, once my baby sister was born, I clearly remember changing diapers, feeding the baby and watching the other kids while Mom was cooking or resting.

As I looked back at these times as an early adult, I realized that I was pretty damn young to be taking on the responsibilities I did as a young child when you consider that there is eight years between Stephen and I and only nine and a half years between my baby sister (Katie) and I. Judging by today’s parenting standards, it would have been almost cruel to expect an eight year old child to change diapers, do dishes and tend to several younger siblings. However, it wasn’t the caring for my siblings that was challenging, difficult or painful. After all, it was performing these functions and tasks that provided me the only positive reinforcements I can recall.

The challenges I alluded to above had to primarily do with my father. To fully understand how and why our relationship was so troubled you have to understand how he was raised. He was the middle child of three boys. The eldest brother, Uncle Chuck, was the one that lived several blocks away. It was his kids that went to school with us – with his eldest two being the Village all star athletes and valedictorians.

Uncle Chuck was the fair child golden haired boy to my grandparents (at least that’s the way my father believed it to be his entire life). Even as a child, I could see that Grandma and Grandpa favored Uncle Chuck. Not only was he their eldest child, but he was the only one of the three sons to serve in the Korean War. Moreover, he trained and became a fighter Pilot. After the war, he went on to become a Senior Captain with American Airlines. This allowed Uncle Chuck to not only provide a good standard of living to his family (something my father tried desperately to do his entire career), but it also allowed my grandparents to fly anywhere in the world for free.

While I am not sure of the exact circumstances of my father’s childhood, I do know that – due to the depression – his parents (like my mother’s parents) married later in life. Consequently, by the time my father was born his father was already 40ish. I recall my dad saying on more than one occasion that he has no memory of his father being anything but an old sick man.

Since Grandpa was in poor health much of his adult life, I recall that everyone doted on him left and right. In fact, Grandma did all the driving, cooked all the meals and babied him like he was a lost puppy anytime I was around them. However, in my father’s formative years, I perceive that Grandpa often compared Dad to Uncle Chuck who was more athletic, got better grades, was more well liked and was generally more popular in the community. At the same time, based on what my mother told me, Grandpa did not spare the rod. My father, as I’m sure his brothers, were disciplined harshly with beatings and spankings until such a time as Grandpa became to ill and old to raise a hand to them.

With my father’s relationships with his father and his older brother serving as a back drop – combined with my father’s own worries about money, providing for his family, insecurities about self-worth and a tendency to drink too much in the evenings – he and I were set up from the very beginning to be adversaries. While he insisted (at the earliest age I have memories) that I take care of my siblings and help out around the house, when he came back from one of his business trips it was another story.

To begin with, he never seemed to be in a good mood when he came home and really resented my over-protection tendencies of my siblings – particularly during the Quincy Street years. Because he was often prone to “blow-up” over minor things and direct his anger at whomever was closest, I was get between whoever he was directing his anger toward and him. I knew how much his fist could hurt and I’d rather be the recipient of his anger than anyone else in the family. I often thought that he must either hate his job, or the pressure to provide for his family stressed him out that he took out his frustrations on those who could not push back (i.e. his family).

In fact, when he was home, the environment of the house changed dramatically from one where everyone went about their business without much of a worry to one where there was a sense of fear and anxiety by everyone. I recall vividly how, on many occasions, we’d still down to dinner (8 people at the table with at least one in a high chair) and my father would say “I had a bad day. I want absolute silence for the next half hour; no one is to say one word during this meal – or else!”

After a few minutes you could cut the tension with a knife and, before long, the baby in the high chair feels this tension and begins to cry after which a few other tear up knowing that they can’t say or express anything “or else.” The “or else” with my father was him hitting you and, since my chair at the dinner table was next to my father, I was an easy reach for him.

Nevertheless, as I sat watching a room full of children petrified and not even eating due to the cloud of anger hanging above the entire table, I’d eventually speak up and say something to the effect of “just because you had a bad day is no excuse to demand that the 7 of us remain completely quiet as not to disrupt your mood or thoughts..” SMACK! And, with that, my father and I would get into it. I couldn’t stand watching him act like Hitler and demand that everyone act as he wishes “or else” and, if it meant that I’d get hit, it was worth it to me that these kids could feel as though someone was sticking up for them as my Mother was unable to do so.

Depending upon how angry he was, or how much he had had to drink, would depend upon what he would do to me. Fortunately, by the time we moved to Thurlow St. in 1971, I was 12/13 and I’d learned never to put myself in a physical location whereby he could get to me easily. Generally speaking, by the age of 12, I would say something (knowing he’d come after me) from a safe distance where I could run out the front or back door until he cooled down and I could return.

However, as we all know, by 14 (and me being 6’ tall), I could run, he couldn’t catch me and, if called upon, I could defend myself; therefore, he would get even more angry and, on those occasions, he would throw me out, disown me and tell everyone else in the family that I was not to be contacted because I was a loser who would never amount to anything (all for sticking up for everyone else!).

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neelimasadanand · 7 years

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What Is Up With Me

A year since medication began. And in its wonderful and weird ways, the universe has brought more mental health soldiers into my life this past year than ever before. And if there’s one of thing I’m more sure of now than ever - it’s the sheer power of being in an environment that shows you empathy. A few interactions I’ve had and a few I’ve watched my mutual have, push me to say this upfront – if you’ve been a part of my life and you have only ever seen my pixie level energy and my smiles and my love – know that this doesn’t mean I couldn’t come to you with my issues. In fact, it means you’re a constant source of happy to my pixie heart. And that Neelima is very real. She’s just not all there is in this tiny person.

I’ve been diagnosed with chronic anxiety and depression with dissociative tendencies. Now I wish I could condense what that means about me as a person but I’m still figuring out my patterns, so just stay with my while I blabber, yes?

I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. And it happened between 4th-6th grade by the hands of a trusted family member. So I had no idea what had happened. My first exposure to mental health disorders was as a psychology student in 1st year college. This means between primary school and college, I went from not knowing something had happened, it had affected my personality and that I had developed coping mechanisms; to suddenly having my jigsaw pieces put into place. Unfortunately, I have faced harassment and sexual assault in multiple degrees, at multiple ages and in various places held ‘pure’ in my naïve mind post primary school as well. But I’d formed a default resilience to it so I never really did anything about any of it. So this and the resulting dramatic, bad relationships and stupid decisions is maybe broadly why I’ve come to be a patient of these disorders.

As time passed since school, I had visual reminders of the abuse. They’d pop up randomly and not in the right order. Just flashes of things happening. It’d be followed by confusion and anger that physically caused my head to ache. Kid me turned to the one thing she loves the most – music. I would put on earphones, listen to music and picture something completely different. And it always worked. Whether it was being angry through Chester and hurting through Cobain, Cornell and the works or partying with 50 Cent and Jay-Z or picturing my crush and I in a Signal Fire song :P This soon turned into my method of coping with pretty much anything drastic that happened. After a couple of years, I’m not sure when, I didn’t need the music to be able to do this anymore. Sit in one place, function in that place but have my mind operating elsewhere so I could block out my abuse or my anxiety.

With age, the lack of addressing my abuse caught up to me. From small panic attacks to full blown rage for reasons I could and couldn’t justify – a whole flurry of patterns began. And for the longest time I spoke to nobody about it. I’d have attacks in the hostel rooms, office loos, outside a gig, in the middle of a party – and I either choked on it or I distracted myself till I could ‘schedule’ a breakdown. When I say attack – it’s either uncontrollable crying or uncontrollable rage as a reaction to the thoughts my mind was throwing. While being able to control it and suppress it to that extent was a good thing back then, around 2 years back I lost my ability to do that. Neither could I control when I’d be triggered nor could I control my reactions. And the happy visual reels I’d put my mind in began to fall apart too. I caught myself not being able to control where they go and how bad they get and the more anxious I got – the line between what I was seeing in my head and how I was behaving started to blur. So there it is. A 24-year-old who can go out, do her job, meet her loved ones and be there for them – for whom the bad days meant vividly reliving her abuse while being wide awake, hallucinating in the middle of 300 people or just plain nightmares that made her feel like she couldn’t get up again.

I’m not sure if it was this lack of control over my once great coping mechanism or just all of the ‘not dealing with’ that has sprouted 3 distinct energies that are a part of me but the fact is – I’m in a place where I can call them my friends now. I could’ve just said voices in my head but too cliché no? So Ms. Question Mark, Ms. Bleu and Ms. Extra.

Ms. QM has been quite the jackass over the last 3-4 years. Convincing me that everything I say or do (sometimes even while I’m saying or doing things) is mediocre or somehow painting me as a fool. She refuses to go anywhere without her “I’m not good enough’ cap. It’s like waking up one day and everyone you ever knew is now on a higher pedestal than you, better in every way and deserving of company better than yours. She had me petrified of asking superiors at work for clarification, afraid of hanging out with my best friends and also sabotage perfectly fine dates. It’s like being on red alert with your guards up not knowing if there IS a problem but being sure that there CAN be one. Fun, real fun. She also does prove useful when the lady I will next speak of isn’t around – in making sure I’m more careful of surroundings, in picking up every cue in a room, in marking human red flags (yet I do not claim to not run after them, I am but a W.I.P.)

Then there’s Ms. Bleu. Who just shows up uninvited and you’ll never know if she’s leaving till she does. She brings along a general lack of affinity towards anything and everything I would usually enjoy, takes away all my motivation to take care of myself, keeps replaying the worst moments of my life and makes me feel like I’ve been running for weeks despite barely having gotten out of bed. She’s been a part of me for so long that my mind is now programmed to processing emotions late and not as and when the cause takes place. The most recent example would be crying over whether I’d make a good life partner – what with the maniac that I am, a week after my wedding so that I could finally feel joy about having met the gem that I have.

So one lady that makes me as good as a fused tube light and another that is a special-ops analytics team for absolutely no reason – you see how they make the most ironic team? One side keeps saying “are you sure it’s okay to do this?” and the other says “It doesn’t matter coz you don’t matter” for every third task of the day. Having anxiety and depression is being audience to a daily ping-pong match in your head, where you wait for the ball to be misplaced. Guilt, shame, self-loathing – ah the perfect sad song.

But there’s also the third lady who pops up every once in a while, and I quite like her - Extra. She makes me feel good and beautiful and energetic but also brings with her the risk of the ‘too much”. Drinking too much, taking too many impulsive decisions and recently - shopping for a whole load of shit I don’t need. Going overboard with meeting people and then not knowing where all my energy went. But I’ll take her over the other two any day.

So this is what is up with me. Any given day of the week, I’ll be handling one of the three while going about the rest of my life. The real assignment starts with my next rant about how I’ve gotten to make peace with these energies and am currently taking my life back, bit by bit. But till then – HEY! I’m Neelima Sadanand and I deal with all of this and if you are too – I’m here for you in whatever capacity the universe allows :)

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entergamingxp · 4 years

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DualShockers’ Favorite Video Games of 2020 (So Far)

July 31, 2020 1:00 PM EST

Now that we’re halfway through 2020, the DualShockers staff shares the games that have been the highlights of the year so far.

As we’ve already seen so far, 2020 has been a very unusual year for video games. In light of the coronavirus pandemic, which has caused numerous delays and cancelled most of the events that we’d traditionally see during the year for the games industry, this year has still brought us a ton of gaming experiences worth celebrating and sharing. Given that the next-gen consoles are on the horizon later this year, the first half of 2020 has already had some generation-defining games worth playing, and we still have several months to go for 2020.

Now that the first half of the year is behind us, the DualShockers staff has gathered together to share some of our favorite games of 2020 so far. While we’ve already discussed a lot of the games that we’re considering for our Game of the Year awards for this year, this time around we’re focusing on each staff member’s highlights for games that have been released in the first half of 2020. From some of the most acclaimed games of the year to hidden gems that are worth a look, here are the games that DualShockers‘ staff have made 2020 an exciting year for video games.

Nick Blain, Video Editor

Animal Crossing: New Horizons

New Horizons was the first Animal Crossing game that I’ve committed to since the original back on the GameCube, and I adore it. It really makes no sense why I like it. The tasks are menial and there’s no central objective to accomplish. Yet, Animal Crossing: New Horizons is the most I’ve ever been invested in the series yet. I find myself getting lost in the charm of its harmonious world. There’s just something about the mainline Animal Crossing games’ design that is always so cozy. For a brief couple of hours I can forget the outside world and be lost in its brilliance. Animal Crossing makes things feel normal.

Final Fantasy VII Remake

I have a weird confession to make: while I love Final Fantasy as series, I never found Final Fantasy VII to be all that compelling. Even replaying the original before the remake came out, I found it to be a chore at some parts, so my expectations for the remake weren’t extremely high. Playing through it, I couldn’t have been more wrong. The little things that Final Fantasy VII Remake does to flesh out the characters and overall world help give so much more context to even the original Final Fantasy VII. At times, it feels like it’s not only paying homage to what came before it, but also feels like an FFVII sequel unto itself. Much like the RE2 remake that came out last year, Final Fantasy VII Remake proves that a remake can be more than just a glossy new coat of paint; it can also be a re-evaluation of what came before.

The Last of Us Part II

What can I say that hasn’t already been said about this amazing game? The Last of Us Part II is just as grueling of a tale as what came before. Never has a game actually made me feel bad for fulfilling a QTE. Although, underneath that rough exterior is a beautiful inspection of love, pain, and sacrifice. At the end of The Last of Us, I felt that I had seen the end of the story and was absolutely fine with it. However, Naughty Dog proved that there was a significantly more meaningful story to delve into with Joel and Ellie. If they felt that they have more story to tell I’m here for it; but again, I don’t think that there has to be.

What I admire about Naughty Dog is that if there’s nothing left to say: that’s it. Chapter over, book closed. You can just tell the passion that was behind the team at Naughty Dog when they were developing this game. Naughty Dog is really proving that video games can be more than they set out to be initially. I can’t wait for more.

Kris Cornelisse, Staff Writer

Deep Rock Galactic

“Dwarves in Space.” Anything you can think of that would fit that phrase, Deep Rock Galactic embodies. It’s a four player co-op game where you pick a class and go on an alien mining expedition. You’ll navigate (or dig) procedurally-generated tunnels, find the resources or objectives you seek, defend yourself against angry alien bugs, and then get out. Extracting gets you a cut of the rewards, with which you can level up your classes, upgrade equipment, and customise your appearance further. Then you have a drink with your mates on the space station before doing it all again.

It might not sound like much on paper, but in practice? Deep Rock Galactic is something else. The passion and creativity of the devs is on full display, as they’ve filled the game with a ton of nuance and little details for you to find. Its graphics and sound design are well presented and stylised to suit, and the different environments are extremely well realised and fun to explore or dig through. Even with a strong core gameplay loop, there’s a decent chunk of variety in objectives. There’s also public games and solo options for those not interested in the co-op aspect, so if any of this looks or sounds interesting to you? Check it out. You won’t be disappointed. Rock and Stone, brothers!

DOOM Eternal

I’m rarely the sort to replay games often, mainly because I just never have the time. Imagine my surprise when I found myself replaying DOOM Eternal the day after I finished it. Any flaws in the game’s platforming or level design fades away the second that the music amps up and an intense combat scenario begins. Then there is nothing except an intricately designed dance of death, in which I am encouraged to use every tool at my disposal to rip and tear. Always pressured and always right on the verge of death and defeat, yet still always feeling powerful and with the means to turn the tide and raze hell. DOOM Eternal’s combat is absolutely phenomenal, and just writing about it now makes me want to start it up yet again.

Despite the controversies surrounding Mick Gordon and Denuvo, DOOM Eternal remains a highlight for me this year. I’m even one of the people who thinks that DOOM 2016 is actually the better overall package, but the sheer intensity of the combat in Eternal is like a drug that makes it impossible to go back to its predecessor. Kar en Tuk! Until it is done!

Hades

Supergiant Games have yet to deliver a bad game; in fact, Hades puts them at four for four in making excellent games that stand tall in my personal pantheon of favourites. It’s an action/roguelike where you play as Zagreus, son of Hades, on his quest to escape the Underworld of Greek mythology. And it is awesome. The combat is fluid and has impact to it from the very start, and that only gets more intense as you gain more upgrades and unlocks. The story and characters are engaging, and the entire thing is packaged with the usual Supergiant art, music, voice and style, which is to say that it is superb.

The game is still in Early Access, but since the launch version is due out this year, Hades absolutely counts for my GOTY 2020 considerations. Even then, there was a ton of content and variety even in the first iterations, and every major patch has expanded that dramatically. So far, it leads the pack by a country mile as my favourite. Hades is the most playable, content dense game that Supergiant has ever put out. If Dead Cells is the benchmark for what roguelikes aim to be, Hades is already past that and pushing higher still. “Godlike” is the only fitting descriptor.

Ricky Frech, Senior Staff Writer

Desperados 3

I will continue to beat the drum for what is, thus far, the best game I’ve played in 2020. Desperados 3 is a stealth-focused tactics game with sublime level design. The care developer that Mimimi Games put into crafting each level is astounding. As you lead a gruff band of Wild West mercenaries, you’ll take part in some of the most memorable sequences I’ve seen in the tactics space.

Every level feels unique. This is largely done by how Mimimi mixes up your party. Your squad is made up of five diverse characters; however, you almost never get to bring them all into battle at once. Instead, each mission gives you a unique combination and forces you to constantly adapt your playstyle to your team’s abilities. It’s a beautiful design that kept a smile on my face throughout the entire campaign.

Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout

I was very tempted to put Deadly Premonition 2 in my final slot. I love that game in spite of its many problems; however, it’s a tough one to recommend for several reasons. Another game that I heavily considered for this final slot is Murder by Numbers. It’s the best Picross game since Picross 3D, but it’s a niche genre that non-Picross fans are unlikely to check out.

Instead, let’s talk about a game that isn’t even technically out yet. I was lucky enough to play the beta for Mediatonic’s Fall Guys recently. It’s the most fun I’ve had playing a game since Gang Beasts, but takes it to a completely different level. As someone who grew up on Most Extreme Elimination and the vastly superior Japanese version of Ninja Warrior, Fall Guys’ brand of wacky game show antics really speaks to me. All it’s missing is Vic and Kenny’s hilarious commentary.

So, make sure to join me next week when it launches as part of August’s PS+ lineup (and also when it comes to PC). You won’t regret it.

Ori and the Will of the Wisps

Even in adding combat, Ori and the Will of the Wisps controls just as tightly as the original. Just moving through a level in this game is pure bliss. There are a handful of sections I didn’t love, but for the most part, developer Moon Studios absolutely nail gameplay.

However, that’s not why it makes my shortlist. Will of the Wisps is one of the more emotional stories I’ve played through in games. There aren’t many characters I’ve cared about more than that stupid bird. And I’m petrified of birds in real-life. Getting me to consider something with feathers as a friend is a big move. Plus, the game looks absolutely gorgeous. It’s a must-play.

David Gill, Staff Writer

Ghost of Tsushima

Ever since its announcement in 2017, I was so excited to play Ghost of Tsushima. Sucker Punch’s Sly Cooper and inFamous franchises are some of my favorite PlayStation exclusives, and I was interested to see what the developer would do next. From the moment I started rolling credits, I was so invested in Ghost of Tsushima and exploring Tsushima island even further.

One of the main things I love about this game is exploring the world and everything in it. There would be days where I didn’t do any story missions and just focused on side quests, raiding Mongol territory, and looking for collectibles. The game’s story went in directions I didn’t expect and I was always curious to see where it went. Sucker Punch also added cool mechanics such as the wind guiding you in the direction of your objective, which makes the game even more unique from others out there. You also can’t talk about the game without mentioning its gorgeous visuals that are just made for photo mode. After finishing Ghost of Tsushima, all I want to do is explore more, upgrade my skills, and get the platinum trophy. It’s up there with The Last of Us Part II as one of the best PlayStation exclusives and an amazing way to close out the current console generation.

The Last of Us Part II

With 2013’s The Last of Us being my favorite game of all time, my anticipation for The Last of Us Part II was high. I tried keeping an open mind and not letting my expectations getting the best of me. After finishing it four days after its release, The Last of Us Part II impacted me in ways I didn’t see coming.

The game took so many risks in telling its story, and I commend Naughty Dog for that. There were moments where I felt disconnected from the narrative but it ultimately succeeded in telling a story that’s multilayered and could be looked at through several different perspectives. On top of that, the game’s graphics are gorgeous, and in scope it is larger than any Naughty Dog game before. There are so many collectibles and environmental storytelling moments going on, and I couldn’t help but explore every area. Additionally, the game’s combat is better than ever and throws challenges at the player with almost every encounter. While The Last of Us Part II may not be for everyone, it’s one of very few games this year that I couldn’t stop thinking about days after I finished it.

Persona 5 Royal

Over the past few years, Persona 5 has been one of the games I’ve been meaning to play. It wasn’t until Persona 5 Royal released in March where I decided to finally play it. After reaching the credits in 80 hours, Persona 5 Royal is currently my favorite game of 2020, if not one of my favorite games of all time.

From its amazing story and characters to its incredible sense of style, Persona 5 Royal has so many things going for it. On top of that, there are so many side activities to do which make time go by so quickly. The game also has its amazing Confidant system that ties together your relationships with other characters and your main character’s progression. The game also features great writing and music you can’t help but jam to at times. While Persona 5 Royal’s length may turn some people off, it puts you on a journey you won’t regret taking.

Cameron Hawkins, Staff Writer

Final Fantasy VII Remake

The original Final Fantasy VII is one of my favorite games of all time, and Final Fantasy VII Remake has been one my most anticipated titles since its announcement back in 2015. Leading up to its release, Square Enix seemed shaky to say the least when it came to the development cycle of other previous big titles like Final Fantasy XV and Kingdom Hearts III, with Remake showing similar signs. Thankfully though, Remake was not in the same boat.

Final Fantasy VII Remake is arguably the best JRPG of this generation, and it may be my favorite game in general this generation once the new consoles hit shelves later this year. Square Enix was able to recreate a game that is so special to so many hearts that they easily could have messed up, but they didn’t. The characters are stunning, Midgar is beautiful even during the most dreadful times, and the combat system blends the best parts of Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts‘ gameplay into one. Despite some minuscule setbacks, being able to reestablish such a beloved title that will give both new and old players different things to be compelled by is an incredible achievement that we haven’t seen in gaming before. It deserves all the praise it has been getting and more.

The Last of Us Part II

I’m not a big fan of The Last of Us. I think the original game is overrated and a lot of things that it gets praised for other games did beforehand and better, but I enjoyed my time with The Last of Us Part II. It was different and took some interesting narrative risks that worked in its favor in some areas and hurt it in others. I have issues with the level design and how Naughty Dog wanted you to explore around Seattle, but the main reason I picked up The Last of Us Part II is for the story.

This sequel feels like a worthy (and better) follow-up to its predecessor. In the original, I had issues regarding certain character choices that most of who I talk to normally don’t agree with. But in The Last of Us Part II, I felt validated that my issues were an important part of the narrative throughout. At the end of the day, I found the story to be memorable with a lot to unpack. I just wish I didn’t have so many general issues with the game at ground level, or else I would have placed it on a higher pedestal.

Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore

I never thought I would see the day where my favorite Wii U title would get a second chance at life. Even with being a remastered port, Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore is currently my favorite Nintendo Switch title. For some, the direction of teenage Japanese idols may turn you off, but that is just the face of a wonderfully fun and engaging JRPG. Being originally made by Atlus for the Wii U, it doesn’t meet the standards that people know from Persona 5, but there are aspects of Tokyo Mirage Sessions that I like over Persona. The combat system is diverse and addictive at times, the puzzles can give you a real challenge, and of course it oozes that Atlus charm.

It is a beautiful homage to the Fire Emblem franchise, telling a Fire Emblem story in a completely new way while still having the Atlus vision behind it. If you love Persona, play Tokyo Mirage Sessions. If you love Fire Emblem, play Tokyo Mirage Sessions. Unless you don’t like JRPGs, you should play Tokyo Mirage Sessions.

Allisa James, Senior Staff Writer

Final Fantasy VII Remake

This game has absolutely captured me from the first moment I played it. Expanding on the entirety of the Midgar section from the original Final Fantasy VII, FFVII Remake offers a crazy deep dive that fleshes out every last component. The expansions made to the plot managed to create more intrigue and better convey the inner workings of Shinra and the various villains. In turn, the heroes have more chances to shine as they spend more time cooperating with each other while expanding their team and character dynamics. The Avalanche members Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge are fleshed out themselves and actually feel like real people, making their (most likely) tragic fates even more poignant. The setting has never felt more alive with tons of shops, NPCs constantly scurrying around and chatting about their daily lives and current events, and side quests that give the residents agency and personality. And all of this is rounded out by some stellar voice work.

This isn’t even mentioning the action/turn-based blended combat system that requires strategy to prevail (and will crush you for button spamming). The revamped combat system in FFVII Remake features tons of combo creation that relies on both an intimate knowledge of each attacks’ timing and on quick reflexes to build those chains in the first place. There’s also an incredible amount of weapon and Materia build customization options for players, depending on the roles you want each character to take on.

Persona 5 Royal

Pushing past the dense pacing before Okumura’s Palace, Royal offers everything you could ever ask for in an updated re-release. It introduced sorely needed gameplay balances, brand new mechanics that liven up and condense otherwise boring dungeon layouts, revamped boss battles, and added tons of new minigames. That’s aside from the fact that there is a new prefecture to explore, it introduced two new characters and added more Confidants, completely overhauled a pre-existing Confidant, added brand new events, added a new school semester and an new dungeon coupled with two new endings, more voice work, and more. The sheer amount of new content in Persona 5 Royal is staggering and shows how much work Atlus put into this title to make an already amazing game even better.

Pokemon Sword and Shield: Isle of Armor

The first of two DLC packs releasing this year for the brand new main entries in the Pokemon franchise, the Isle of Armor expansion features tons of new content as well. More Pokemon are introduced in the National Dex, there’s a fun introductory plot that also brings in your (self-proclaimed) rival and gym leader hopeful, a huge island filled with secrets and hidden areas to explore, item fusion, and new Gigantamax forms.

The best part of Isle of Armor is getting to train up an adorable Pokemon named Kubfu. This Pokemon will let you take part in the Towers of Two Fists challenges and completing one of them — the Tower of Darkness or Tower of Waters — will evolve your Kubfu into Urshifu. The Tower you choose will determine Urshifu’s fighting style, with each style having its own moveset and strengths. For Pokemon fans, the first DLC expansion is guaranteed to keep you entertained for hours while making you wish for the upcoming Crown Tundra pack even more.

Mehrdad Khayyat, Staff Writer

F1 2020

I’m not a big fan of Formula 1 tournaments in the real world, as I know very little about the sport’s leading teams and basic rules. But when I got the chance to play F1 2020 this year, it started to turn me into a Formula 1 professional fan. It even got to the point that I began reading about the history of the sport, dig up its current teams, and follow the live real-world races of Formula 1.

Of course, if you put a lot of time on a certain game, you would become a veteran fan of it sooner or later, but the progress that I made in F1 2020 was significant enough that all I can do is to praise its gameplay design. F1 2020 is a game that will adapt itself to the level of your driving skills without losing its highly stressful realistic experience. It’s impossible to describe all the amazing features of the game in a few paragraphs, but F1 2020 is my favorite racing title of this year, as I enjoy it more and more by winning every lap of a race over the opponent drivers. Simply, it’s like my Dark Souls in the racing genre.

Minecraft Dungeons

As the one of the first branches of the Minecraft series set in a totally different genre from that of the original game, Minecraft Dungeons is a gameplay-focused entertaining experience that I would be playing for months if there were more chapters to jump in.

Despite its short campaign, Minecraft Dungeons is a highly replayable game where you are encouraged to challenge yourself more and more with higher difficulty levels and better gear for fighting enemies. Dungeons features a very simple combat design that some may find as a negative point, but if it’s enjoyable enough, then why bother ourselves with more complicated stuff?

Stela

Despite being a brief gaming experience, Stela is surely the most beautiful game that I’ve played so far in 2020. The game nails perfection in art and sound design, featuring various gorgeous locations accompanied by strong and impressive song pieces that I couldn’t stop listening to even days after finishing the game.

Of course, Stela has its own downsides in the case of gameplay, but it doesn’t mean you can put it aside easily. If you ask me, Stela is a must-play title for those who are looking for a relaxing puzzle-adventure to take a break from the routine mature video game experiences, at least for a few hours.

Ryan Meitzler, Features Editor

Half-Life: Alyx I’m not a huge connoisseur of VR games; I have an Oculus Rift headset but, for the most part, I prefer keeping my gaming to traditional experiences on console and PC. That said, Half-Life: Alyx changed that for me earlier this year and, in a lot of ways, it showed what I’ve been missing out on in VR. More importantly, Alyx feels like not just a tremendous VR game, but a huge step forward for the medium as a whole and an incredible example of immersive storytelling in a VR experience.

As a long-time fan of the Half-Life series, seeing the familiar sights of City 17 once again was a thrill in and of itself. However, the experience of witnessing it all again in Half-Life: Alyx was only enhanced by playing in VR, as Combine structures loomed in the distance and Striders towered over with their shambling legs. Everything I love about the Half-Life series is distilled perfectly into Alyx and fueled by its technical innovations in VR. Though I know a lot people most likely haven’t played it due to not owning a VR headset, trust me; when you do, this is the game that is worth having it for.

The Last of Us Part II

Even well after finishing The Last of Us Part II last month, it’s still a game that I haven’t been able to get out of my head after playing it. As much as I went into Part II unsure of whether Naughty Dog would be able to deliver an experience that could hold up to the original The Last of Us, by the end of Part II I had no doubt that the studio managed to pull it off and then some.

Though some might consider The Last of Us Part II the most “controversial” game of 2020 so far as a result of internet discourse around the game’s story and ending, to me, the game’s strengths lie in its willingness to take risks and ask questions with no easy answers. The moral complexities at the heart of Ellie and Abby’s stories in The Last of Us Part II are ones that I myself haven’t fully come to terms with yet even after finishing the game, and speak to its engrossing and unrelenting story. Though The Last of Us Part II was messaged as a game about “hate,” by the story’s end, you’ll see that it compasses much more than that, and is easily one of the most memorable (if gut-wrenching) experiences that I’ve had so far this year.

Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore

While normally I wouldn’t usually consider a remastered version of a game on my year-end lists, I have to give a bit of the spotlight this time around to Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore. Having missed out on the game when it first released on the Wii U and in the past several years becoming infatuated with the Persona series, those two events led to the perfect confluence of finally getting to play Tokyo Mirage Sessions this year and loving it.

Taking the elements of the Shin Megami Tensei and Fire Emblem series and mixing them together, Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore by today’s standards isn’t a JRPG of the caliber of Persona 5, but is still an incredibly fun and refreshing experience in its own right. With its J-pop infused theme and music, an eclectic and memorable cast of characters, and an engaging combat system, Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore is an excellent way to experience an underrated JRPG, regardless of whether you’re an SMT/Fire Emblem fan or otherwise.

Logan Moore, Managing Editor

DOOM Eternal

DOOM Eternal rules. In my own estimation, Eternal is a drastic improvement in nearly every way over the original game. The combat is more visceral, the soundtrack is heavier, and traversal around each environment is more enticing. It’s not just what I believe to be the best game of the year, it’s very well the best shooter released in this entire console generation. Play it.

Ori and the Will of the Wisps

I did not expect to like Ori and the Will of the Wisps like I did. Blind Forest never clicked with me when I played it a few years back like it did for many others, so my expectations for Will of the Wisps were pretty reserved. The final game ended up being far more engrossing, especially from a storytelling standpoint, than I thought it would be.Will of the Wisps is likely the best Metroidvania game I have played in the past few years and is deserving of endless attention. Make sure you give it a shot if you have an Xbox or PC.

Persona 5 Royal

I never got around to playing the original Persona 5. It has basically been my white whale for years and was a game that I knew I’d love if I just fully committed to actually playing it from front to back. When I found that Persona 5 was finally set to be re-released in its new Royal iteration, I knew this had to be the point where I rectified my mistake from the first time around. Fortunately, that turned out to be the best gaming-related decision that I have made so far in 2020.

Persona 5 Royal, despite having not yet finished it, has already become one of my favorite games of all-time. In a year that has been rife with stress, anxiety, and a multitude of other hardships for me personally, Persona 5 Royal has been a consistent joy to ease into regularly at the end of some very long days. I can’t wait to (hopefully) finish it up in the next few weeks.

Laddie Simco, Associate Staff Writer

Dreams

Dreams is a tough one to put a label on. I remember when Media Molecule first announced the ambitious project, I was immediately intrigued but couldn’t fully wrap my mind around exactly what it was trying to achieve. It’s a constantly evolving set of tools that is somewhat overwhelming at first, but Media Molecule takes you by the hand and guides you through the scary stuff. If creation isn’t your thing, Dreams gives you instant access to every type of game or multimedia experience you could ever imagine created by other dreamers. You become part of the “Dreamiverse,” which is the built-in community and social network where you can meet other dreamers or check out their works. So far that includes everything from all original games to re-creations of things like the PT demo or the opening section of Metal Gear Solid. Admittedly, I’ve still not created anything I’m proud enough to publish for the Dreamiverse to see, but I’ve had tons of fun trying it out. My favorite thing is tinkering with the music tools.

Dreams includes a campaign known as “Art’s Dream,” which acts as an advanced tutorial to show what the game can do. It was created entirely within the game and using the same tools that are available to anyone with a PS4 and a copy of Dreams. It’s a bit on the short side, clocking in around two hours, but not a minute is wasted. It features a cast of likable characters and incorporates many genres including platformers, puzzle games, shooters, and even throws in a few unforgettable musical numbers for good measure. I’d love to see more of “Art’s Dream,” perhaps even a new adventure starring Frances and Foxy. If you don’t finish “Art’s Dream” with a smile on your face, you are either a monster or you’re dead inside.

Ghost of Tsushima

These three games not only represent my best of 2020 so far; in many ways they also represent the best of an era as we prepare to say goodbye to the console generation that gave birth to the PS4 and the Xbox One. While initially one of my three picks went to Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Ghost of Tsushima came in at the last minute and knocked it out of the list. The game is an absolute joy to play. It features stunning visuals and environments, spicy combat, and an engaging story complete with well-written characters. It’s a massive open-world game that I’m still happily exploring without feeling that fatigue I get from so many other open-world games. This has a lot to do with the side missions not feeling like they were an afterthought; some are just as enjoyable as the main missions.

Throughout the game you play as Jin, who is one of the last samurai during the first Mongol invasions of Japan. However, there are a series of side missions that feature a story arc centering around Jin’s allies and friends. I found this to be a cool feature that lets you get to know the supporting characters better, and could even set up the possibility of spin-offs or sequels. Aside from being an expert with the katana, Jin is equipped with a small arsenal of other weapons and equipment that noticeably gets more deadly as you progress to the top of the skill tree. There are a few quirks with button responsiveness and erratic movement at times, but honestly, there’s so much to love about Ghost of Tsushima that after a while, you won’t even notice.

The Last of Us Part II

Naughty Dog made a few bold choices with the direction that The Last of Us Part II took. Not everyone was happy with the outcome, but for me it not only lived up to my high expectations, it at times surpassed them. It’s brutal and violent in a way that often makes you uncomfortable, and yet, it didn’t feel gratuitous. I’m sure playing it amidst a real-life pandemic heightened my experience and made it even more poignant. While playing my emotions ran the gamut of everything I’ve ever felt. Just like in the first game, it’s hard to tell who (or if anyone) is the protagonist. You can love or hate a character in this game for exactly the same reasons. I have to say, without blatant spoilers, the way that Naughty Dog dropped you in new character Abby’s playable shoes without a formal introduction was shocking and brilliant.

The gameplay of The Last of Us Part II is much improved over the first game, but it still retains many of the same core mechanics. As far as graphics go, it’s Naughty Dog, so of course the game looks amazing. We are introduced to a few new variations of the infected, some improved and new weapons, and an entirely new playground which largely takes place in Seattle. The voice acting is top-notch with Ashley Johnson once again reprising the role of Ellie. The campaign is lengthy and depending upon how you play and if you are a treasure seeker, it can take up to 40 hours to complete. Despite having many “giraffe” moments, The Last of Us Part II isn’t the “feel-good” game of the year. It shows us a harsh reality and some of the subjects explored are not for the squeamish, which was obviously going to divide the audience. Weeks after finishing The Last of Us Part II, it still haunts me. Despite its critics, The Last of Us Part II will be remembered as one of the greatest games ever made, and I think it deserves every bit of that praise.

Nick Tricome, Staff Writer

Final Fantasy VII Remake

Part of me is still in awe that this even exists (the part of me that watched that PS3 tech demo on loop all those years ago), and another part is trying to comprehend something I never could’ve expected upon completing the game: Final Fantasy VII is brand new again.

Let’s face it: the ending of this game and the new story elements it introduced along the way are pretty divisive, and scary for some even (hell, even the characters themselves were uneasy stepping into a quite literal unknown). The development team behind this game, composed of veterans from the original and new blood that grew up playing it, knew exactly what they were making here and how important FFVII is to so many people. And it’s obvious how far they went to be faithful not just to the original game, but everything about its world and characters that came after.

Final Fantasy VII Remake is only the first part of the story, but is such a grand celebration of everything the original game has become over the past 23 years. And then it sets itself up for the story to play out differently. It’s gutsy for sure, and to me, incredible. For the next part of Remake–be it “Part 2,” “Reunion,” or whatever Square wants to call it–I legitimately don’t know what’s going to happen, and that’s all really exciting to me.

Kingdom Hearts III: ReMIND

Kingdom Hearts III was hit or miss with fans, and the ReMIND DLC fell into pretty much the same boat. For me, they were both hits. The last third of Kingdom Hearts III is still one constant exposition dump, and ReMIND didn’t reinvent that. Instead, it just added to it with more story content, some extra, more challenging boss fights, and finally giving Kairi something to do. Combine that with the merciless boss battles, the Final Fantasy fan service that was noticeably missing from the core game, and that massive cliffhanger of a secret ending that came with the “Limit Cut” episode, and ReMIND is pretty much a small encapsulation of why I enjoy the series at the end of the day. It’s an ultimately nonsensical story that’s presented so sincerely that I can’t help but love it, with gameplay that can make me question my sanity but feel so incredibly satisfying and smooth when it all finally clicks, and has an ending teaser that’ll keep me theorizing for however long it takes to get the next game.

Plus, ReMIND reaffirms that Donald Duck is the most powerful being in existence.

The Wonderful 101: Remastered

By and large, this is more of a current-gen port than a straight up remaster (granted, that term has a pretty wide definition), but that’s perfectly fine. The Wonderful 101 was a commercial bomb when it released as a Wii U exclusive seven years ago, but it was also one of the most unique and highly creative action games I’ve ever played. So just having a modern, widely accessible version of the game, I think, is a huge win both for returning fans and players who’ve heard about it but never had the means to play it for themselves.

You don’t play as one character in The Wonderful 101, you play as an entire team of Super Sentai/Power Rangers-inspired heroes all at once, all colorful both aesthetically and in their personality. You draw basic shapes to summon weapons and fight alien invaders, being able to start out with a giant fist, then switching on the fly to a sword, a whip, or a gun to keep combos going. You play through a simple but earnestly put together story, one with plenty of wit and humor, that consistently escalates towards massive scale boss battles with some of the greatest quick-time events I’ve ever seen. However, then it will throw you into a gameplay section that’s just one big tribute to another game entirely, because why not?

The Wonderful 101: Remastered is excellent, but won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. That said, the game’s first mission captures everything it’s about, so if you’re curious but still on the fence, go check it out. It should be more than enough for you to make a decision.

Scott White, Associate Staff Writer

Dungeons & Dragons

So, the world is in a pretty crappy spot right now. I miss being able to have board game and Magic nights with my friends, but one game I’ve been able to continue to enjoy is Dungeons & Dragons. And boy-o-boy has the bug bitten me bad during this quarantine. My normal Tuesday night crew made the transition to Roll20 to continue our adventures, and this social interaction grew to become one of the highlights of my week. We still play mostly online, but we’ve been able to recently play our first in-person game recently and it was a magical celebration.

I love rolling dice, I love coming up with solutions to problems, and I love when things inextricably go off the walls and things go to hell in this game. In my hunger for more dice-rolling goodness, I finally started Critical Role (started at the very beginning, “Vox Machina” episode 1, baby!), and it has only ignited an even larger desire to play. I have even started an additional bi-weekly game with another group of friends and I’m doing some Gen Con stuff too, just to try and take the roleplaying itch off.

Thank you Dungeons & Dragons for helping keep me sane during these crazy times. As sane as I can be, anyway.

Final Fantasy VII Remake

Much like many people, I waited so very long for this game to finally release and the fact that it turned out so much better than we all expected was such an amazing surprise. Final Fantasy VII Remake finally nailed what Square has been attempting to create in a game since they released Advent Children, with flashy and stylish combat that retains much of the depth and strategy of a turn-based RPG. The gameplay, characters, and much of the story all snapped perfectly into place for me, and I fell in love with this world all over again. I’m hopeful that with much of the battle system figured out and a lot of the ground work now being laid, the time until the next entry of Final Fantasy VII Remake won’t be too long. Until then, I will eagerly daydream and speculate as to what many of the endgame moments mean, and hope that they add FFXII‘s Gambit system into the next game.

Persona 5 Royal

Persona 5 is one of the best RPGs of all time; fight me. I fell in love with the original release back in 2017, and while excited for Royal, I was curious how I would take to replaying such a long game again. 130 hours later, I came away loving the characters, story, and gameplay even more than I did the first time. From the gratuitous amount of style that oozes from every facet of this game, to the jazz-rock soundtrack that I never want to get out of my head, I can’t help but smile when I think about Persona 5 Royal.

Sam Woods, Staff Writer

Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Speaking of a game releasing at the right time, Animal Crossing: New Horizons absolutely hit the sweet spot. I’ve been an Animal Crossing fan since the GameCube, so my excitement was palpable for the new release, but Nintendo did what Nintendo does best and knocked it out of the park, exceeding my already high expectations.

My girlfriend is far from a gamer. The extent of her gaming history is building houses in The Sims and playing Wii Sports or Mario Kart 8, but as we entered lockdown in the UK earlier this year, I decided to pick her up a Switch Lite and a copy of Animal Crossing, and it’s been a revelation. Since the game came out in March we’ve played together almost every day, sharing design ideas, planning out our towns, trading items and just hanging out. We’ve spent hundreds of happy hours playing this game together and it’s absolutely deserving of its spot in my top three games of this year so far.

The Last of Us Part II

While I managed to hold off from replaying Persona 5, I think I’m going to struggle to do the same with The Last of Us Part II. The gripping drama, fantastic world-building and interweaving story are calling me back. It’s a call that is getting harder to resist the more time that passes.

Although “the internet” might disagree, I felt The Last of Us Part II told a fantastic story in a really engaging way. I felt a huge range of emotions at every twist and turn, and at the end of the game I was left feeling hollow. Not hollow in a negative way, but in the way when you complete an awesome TV series and wonder what life was like before it. The Last of Us Part II is nothing short of incredible, and I implore the doubters to give it a shot.

Persona 5 Royal

Persona 5 was the first game in the Persona series that I’d checked out, and after completing it back in 2018, I was itching to play it again. During my time of hesitation Persona 5 Royal was promptly announced and I decided to wait it out, and boy am I glad I did.

The original game, to me at least, is an absolute masterpiece. The music is incredible, the art direction is stunning, and its gameplay loop is so addictive. While my expectations for Persona 5 Royal were high, the first game was so good that I wasn’t expecting anything groundbreaking. I was wrong. Atlus tightened up a lot of the smaller gameplay niggles from the original game, added a pair of fascinating new characters, and incorporated the pinnacle of all Palaces. Although I clocked in at close to 120 hours, it released at a perfect time where social interaction has been forced to a minimum. Persona 5 Royal allowed me to create meaningful bonds and make up for lost time all while playing through the game’s intricate story.

Now that you know what our favorite games have been from the first half of the year, what have your favorite games of 2020 (so far) been? What titles are you looking forward to for the rest of the year? Sound off and let us know in the comments down below!

July 31, 2020 1:00 PM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/07/dualshockers-favorite-video-games-of-2020-so-far/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=dualshockers-favorite-video-games-of-2020-so-far

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