Text
are we ready to talk about the way crowley's voice shake and he has to hold back tears when he says 'and we've spent our existence pretending that we weren't' or ???
this has hurt him for 6000 years........
#its about the repression.... its about the trauma... its about religion keeping you from living authentically with the person you love......#its about so much of queer history having to happen in the shadows#oh i feel SO unwell#good omens#gos2 spoilers#good omens spoilers#aziracrow#anthony j crowley#aziraphale x crowley#go meta
398 notes
·
View notes
Text
Capricorn: The devil of the Zodiac
It's difficult to write about Capricorn. Maybe it's because Capricorn is the sign of discomfort; the sign that is always uncomfortable, and so doesn't allow others to live comfortably. Capricorn is the devil.
But why is it uncomfortable to write about Capricorn? Why is the devil uncomfortable? Why is it so uncomfortable to be a Capricorn anything? Why can it feel uncomfortable to deal with a Capricorn?
Capricorn is associated with two of the twenty-two archetypes in the Major Arcana. The first is, of course, the Devil. The other Tarot card frequently associated with Capricorn is the World.
I specifically chose this design of the World because of how devilish the woman looks. The devil is the lord of the material realms, the master of the world. The devil is wise; she has an incredible manifesting power to acquire and provide all earthy desires. Even those deemed sinful by the dogmas of politics and religion.
Capricorn has mastered the material world---that's why Capricorn placements are often described as old souls. They have quickly reached an intuitive awareness of how to face the world and deal with its expectations. Capricorns were forced to face the world at an early age, usually due to problems at home. The devil is often described as a fallen angel cast out of heaven. Capricorns are cast out the comfort of belonging.
Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, is a master of the all discomforts that come with asserting yourself against the world. Capricorn puts itself through the discomforts before the world can. It places impossible expectations on itself before the world can. The world is the devil; it has impossible expectations.
If the world is the devil and Capricorn is the devil, then Capricorn is the world. Capricorn contains everything.
Here is a depiction of the World card from a traditional deck. The design is adorned with images each representing one of the four fixed signs. Capricorn contains within itself the most assured and deep-set expressions of the four elements.
Capricorn contains everything, and Capricorns contain everything. I'm talking about emotional repression. The dramatic lack of touch with personal needs and wants is probably one of the most infamous difficulties with this sign. This brings us back to the Devil.
The Devil, in Tarot, is about bondage; it's about disabling. Both the devil and the two individuals disabled by chains are symbols for Capricorn. The chains are loose, and the two have more of a confused, uncomfortable look on their faces than a look of fear or unsafety. They're choosing their bondage, and they're doing it for reasons they can't begin to understand.
To be a Capricorn is to repress yourself in every way. To be a Capricorn is to be both the world and the devil---to contain everything but contain everything. Capricorns have it all and keep it all to themselves. Capricorns have such deep and beautiful emotions but they are unable to be honest with themselves and others. They are overthinkers but are of few words. And they have an aggression which they carefully hide.
Capricorns need everything but like to believe they need nothing. They contain everything but contain everything. They are trauma babies. The devil is a trauma baby because the devil needs love but can't ask for it due to the detachment issues seeded during childhood. Capricorn is craving vulnerability but doesn't know how to ask for it. Getting to know a Capricorn can be a tough process, but once you get inside their walls, they reveal that they can be needy, and that they have a whole world of emotion hiding inside.
The inner fire of the devil is in fact Martian, as Mars is exalted in Capricorn. Capricorn's aggression is what fuels its insane manifesting power. Capricorn is an undertaker, ruthless, hard-working and an effective leader; a boss ass bitch with the energy and will to make things happen. Aggression has other colors---with Capricorn, it can often range between sudden outbursts of rudeness, passive sarcasm and the cold silent treatment. Perhaps the devil makes the mistake of unhealthily attempting to hide his agitation and frustration, so when it does all come out it's an outburst.
One consequence of Capricorn's aggression is tension. Tension is also ruled by the planet Mars. Since Capricorn tries to contain its aggression it's constantly tense. Capricorn uses its tension to stay on guard and on top of things. But Capricorn also likes to relieve its tension, especially in the bedroom.
Capricorn is an Earth sign---it is associated fundamentally with matters of the physical realm---and it is the final Earth sign. Capricorn is wild in bed; the devil loves sex. Sex and sexual power are also ruled by the planet Mars. Capricorns can be afraid of the uncontained nature of their own sexuality, causing them to develop a repressive character. When trust is built with a Capricorn, she will be a passionate and loyal lover who keeps revealing wilder shades of her sexual imaginary.
Maybe Capricorns have a repressive character because the world represses hypersexuality. Society represses expression in general. Capricorns repress themselves pre-emptively because the world is repressive. Capricorns are the world and so they carry the burdens placed on us by the world. And as the world gets more repressive, Capricorns will be weighed further down.
You can truly go on and on about Capricorn. I still haven't mentioned some of its major indications: authority, discipline, structure, reputation. These indications are summarized by the last Tarot card sometimes associated with Capricorn.
I also didn't mention some obscure interpretations of the sign I've come across or up with: time, dialectic, stages, journeys, hierarchy. More to come.
#capricorn rising#capricorn#capricorn ascendant#cap moon#capricorn sun#capricorn mercury#capricorn venus#capricorn mars#the devil#the world
68 notes
·
View notes
Text
headcannons about chip, christianity in mana, his internalised homophobia and its relationship with his repressed fire powers :
// tw for religious trauma, christianity, manipulation, trauma and death mentions
in mana, christianity is the religion of the outcasts, most people worship aster and/or lunadeis, but pirates, criminals and the lower class in general adds another “god” to the pantheon : jesus, as he was portrayed in the bible, a human with divine links to a god unknown who took care of the unfortunate, poor and marginalized. his tales are mostly relayed through oral tradition, so depending on where you are, his teachings and worships changes a lot. in most cases, jesus and his unknown god is just an addition to the already existing pantheon of gods and leviathans of mana, and not the only true god. some people with bad intentions sometimes twists his teachings to fit their worldview and influence others, but they pretty much never have enough systemic power to change much outside of their inner circles.
when chip was a kid living on the streets, he was way too worried about his survival to think about love, and all the other kids (of all genders) that hed find cute were always much more higher class than him anyways. his powers were pretty weak, tho still wildly uncontrolled. it just felt like the small flames that kept appearing around him liked him and wanted to help him rather than him having any control over them. he sometimes heard whispers of jesus and his teachings, but didnt really understand what it was and didnt really care.
when the black rose took him on, most people on the crew were christians, tho in a old sailor way. tales of jesus mixed with those of ancient sea beasts would flourish on the deck of the black rose, and the lessons he learned from them were about hope, about universal love, about helping those in needs. about getting your hands dirty through work and knowing youd get to heaven, while those high class corrupt rulers, bourgeois and officers would rot in hell for what theyd done to your world. chips fire magic, while still uncontrolled, grew and took on a life of his own, tho itd usually cower away in times of distress, much to chips dismay. for his bisexuality, chip was much more concerned about his life on the ship, and didnt care for love during that time.
when the hole in the sea happened, chip was too stressed out and his powers did nothing. thats when he decided that he needed to harness them, to train himself to actually control them so that maybe he could help of something like this happened again.
so when price found chip, he was prime for being manipulated into the mafia. he was lonely, lost everything he add, needed guidance, needed someone to train him and.. also had a crush on price. for the first time, he felt obsession, something that again, he couldnt control, that he needed to harness, to tame. the mafias christianity was much more strict than the black roses, and tried more to extrapolate the values of jesus’s unknown god than to follow him as an example. since romance was nothing but a distraction/weakness, the crew was mostly male-dominated and that femininity was seen as weak and, homosexuality as feminine, love, especially male homosexuality, was very frowned upon, and considered as a sin. emotional volatility, and thus, the uncontrollability of chips power are too. price did return chip’s advances sometimes, but only for the purposes of manipulating him into being even more loyal to the gang. there, price trained him to shackle both his fire powers and his desires, to keep the good parts ( power / social status that male heterosexuality gives ), but to annihilate the bad parts ( wildness / vulnerability of emotional connections and social nonconformity / bisexuality ). the fact that he is a bastard also plays into this, since he now is conditioned to believe that the fact that hes alive in itself is sinful ; thus, he needs to be perfect to repay for his original sin. when everything breaks, that price asks him to kill a man and that he flees, is whole world is shaken apart and his trauma of losing everything once before resurfaces. his emotions and powers were taken advantage of, and his trauma response is to simply lock away both the good and the bad inside of himself, after feeling their full intensity one last time ( the heartbreak of seeing prices manipulation, loving him anyways and being deeply afraid of that / letting the wildness of his fire engulf the mafia headquarters ). even most of his memories of it are locked away.
with the crew of the albatross, he slowly unlearns the values burned into him by price and his crew. he sees people who are like him, who love him, tho it takes a very long time to internalize that they aren’t just with him for his usefulness, that his sin is just as inconsequential as theirs. he tries his hands as doing as he did before, flirting with women (that hes genuinely attracted to) for social status, but his fear leaves him stunted and awkward. same with his powers, when he finally learns again to use them, is it very controlled, and thus weaker. he doesnt trust himself with the “bad” parts of his identity, hes barely able to control the “good” ones. when gillion kisses him, he, for a moment, lets himself go, lets his obsession breathe and exist, but as soon as the moment is over, he put his guard up tenfold. it takes a LOT of time to him to figure out how he feels for gillion, but once he does, he feels like atlas, holding of his shoulder the gravity of his sin. he does not tell anyone for months, view his feelings and himself as dirty, as something that should be kept hidden, especially since gillion is someone of much higher class and with a much greater destiny than him. he rushes into broom closets to have panic attacks after particularly intimate combat training, writes letters and poems that he keeps under a floorboard. he fully knows that jay is also bisexual, but in his head, its different if two women are together, since thats not ever something that was talked about at all with prices gang ( there were barely any women ). he also fully knows that gillion is asexual, and in his head, that proves gillions inherent superiority, since he is less vulnerable to being led astray by his desires. also, chip is much too caught up in his own shit to care what other people do.
anyways, heres a quote that fits pretty well
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
Made it through all of Shadow episode 3, and part of 4, then had to take a break.
But damn, this is just such an interesting show to think about. I have so many half-formed thoughts.
So the shadow is not just Dan's sexuality, though it is certainly connected to it. But I'm fascinated by the implication that it first appeared when his parents were fighting (and he was literally hiding in the closet, heh).
And how you can see just the faint suggestion of hands, but in a position that to me feels less threatening and more embracing. Like someone coming to hold you from behind when you're experiencing trauma.
So could the shadow represent Dan's identity in multiple capacities? His sexuality, and struggle with repression, but also his growing awareness of the danger of the world around him. We all have that moment when we realize how dark the world can truly be, when the last rose-colored glass falls away from our childhood eyes.
And then there's this idea from the monk of the past, present, and future, all being separate and parallel yet sometimes intersecting.
I don't know if this is what he was getting at, but it made it seem that essentially there could be ghosts that exist from the future. It makes me think a little bit of The Shining (the novel), and how Danny was actually interacting with his future self. (And omg, his name was also Dan, lol, that just hit me).
But this could be why the monk understands it's about coexistence, because at its core, the shadow is inherently a part of Dan.
With the parents, and the way the father threatened the mother with institutionalization, it just made me think of how this is a form of oppression that has been used against both women and queer people for so much of history. Locking someone away because they dare to want their own lives, or express their own identities, and that's such a threat to those with the power. Chills.
And I already disliked Anurak, but holy hell do I hate him now. He used his position of authority with vulnerable patients to push religion onto them, you KNOW he was part of convincing Dan's mom to "forgive" and return to her abuser, he dismissed her loneliness as something that could be cured by "god", and then after she died, continued to keep hold of and manipulate her son. If Dan doesn't want to forgive his father, that's his right! And Anurak using Dan's dead mother to try and force it is downright fucking horrific. Fuck that guy.
#shadow the series#thai bl#despite my slow pace#this is a really good show#i hope more people watch it
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
Today on: Blorbo Blursday
Religious Trauma, Ari's Upbringing, and Growing up Transgender
Ari is the protagonist of Out of Sight and Mind, the second instalment of a post-apocalyptic trilogy about people trying to do their best in a world that wants to eat them alive.
Ari is a fascinating character, or at least I find him fascinating. Largely because there are points where I think you really understand him, even if you think to yourself, "Yeah, there's something deeply wrong with you."
Ari grew up in the town of Sight, a place where the water is clean, the walls are high, and people rarely leave or, enter. Its location makes for good self-sufficiency, but it's its long history of religious texts, ceremonies, ideals, and morals, is what really keeps Sight separated from everywhere else in Arcadia.
People don't get in without being specifically vouched for. To stay, you have to convert to their religion. The people inside Sight do not tolerate outsiders and are raised to be fearful of the 'evils' of the outside world.
And Ari ran away at 16, even though he was being raised as a religious leader. Why? Because he knew he was never going to be happy there.
So how has his religion traumatised him? And what impact did that trauma have?
Identity
In some slight prequels to the novel, I explored how Ari's sense of identity was growing up. He felt controlled, and often couldn't make his own decisions. He was held, eternally, in a stasis of being told he had to grow up much faster than he wanted - whilst still being entirely at the whims of his parents.
As an adult, now in his 30s, Ari clings to the morals and ideals of his religion despite the fact having long since abandoned it. This keeps him locked in a state of guilt, repression, and self-hatred that refuses to let him fully realise his sense of self.
Temperament
Depending on who you are, your interactions with Ari can be vastly different, however most would describe him as irritable. Often, he is judgemental, too, and overly critical of the people around him, purposefully isolating himself and others.
Family
He has a very warped view of what a family should be. He perceives parents as abusive jailers. His brother as some harsh critic. It doesn't occur to him that his brother was utterly unaware of how his parents abused him, because they were not the same with him. Therefore, he perceives his brother as on "their side" and is therefore not someone he can trust.
He is more relieved than upset that his parents are dead, and does not regret not attending their funeral. However, he admits that sometimes he wonders what life would have been like if he had a chance to be accepted.
Wealth and Knowledge
Ari's religious community is wealthy both materialistically and in terms of knowledge. In his upbringing, these are things to be kept within the community - not shared with outsiders. After living outside of Sight for so many years, he has seen what remains of Arcadia and the variety of people living in ignorance and squalor. Nothing has infuriated him more. It was sheer spite of this that put him in the position to sit the entrance exams for university, and then later, to accepting Ana's offer to work for the Lighthouse*.
Relationships
Here's a good one, and half the plot of the book. Ari does not trust people, he does not believe in inherent goodness because he doesn't believe himself to be good, and thanks to his religion, that makes him bad. So when it comes to Edward, his main love interest in the novel, he's a little bit astounded by him. He's worked with Edward for the past two years and sort of unconsciously avoids him a lot of the time because his own feelings of contentment unnerve him. Edward makes him feel happy, relaxed, he has Good Vibes; firstly, Ari doesn't believe he deserves comfort because of decisions he'd made, and secondly, he's never been around someone he feels genuinely comfortable with. He doesn't believe he has a right to love, experiencing it or otherwise. He mostly pushed all direct thought of meaningful relationships - platonic, familial, romantic - completely out of his mind. But over the course of the book as he and Edward get closer and closer, he has to confront the grey areas because he doesn't want to consider Edward a bad person. Because he doesn't think Edward is a bad person. By proxy, he's then forced to confront his opinions of himself, of his brother, of his friends, and all shit starts to hit the fan.
Running Away from Home / Growing up Trans
In Ari's culture, women and womanhood is seen as protected and divine. He was being raised to be a leader of the community, as his own mother had been. But he knew that he wasn't a woman, and the sheer self-hatred that brought him was incomparable. It was a prayer that told him to leave. And even after all this time and the things he's suffered, he still believes that moment was divine intervention. Ari left everything because he wasn't willing to force himself into a position that - for the rest of his life - would be a lie. He would be forced to live every second of his existence as someone he didn't want to be. The though made him so miserable that he wasn't unknown to be a frequent drinker. The cost of this was that for the rest of his life he would have to believe himself as a heretic of the religion he still so much adored. And though over time he'd learned critical thought, analysis, began to understand indoctrination, that nagging guilt would never leave him.
Some Notes:
Ari is a functioning alcoholic, largely because he is an incredibly anxious person who thinks constantly of what other people think. This goes back to his upbringing and fear of judgement, especially in death. He feels constantly watched.
He does not talk about being transgender. Whilst not particularly ashamed of who he is, he doesn't like other people to know much about him.
Ari does not think he's worthy of Edward's love because he let down so many people when he was younger.
Ari's brother, Eli, often does not understand him and the two argue for much of the book. Later, it's shown that Eli had tried desperately to get to know Ari, but always felt shut off by him.
In the third book, April refers to Ari jokingly as Ember's "adopted dad," something that makes him feel physically sick from the association of parents with being abused.
*The Lighthouse is the organisation that Ari currently works for, and is a mutual aid group that supplies food and education throughout Arcadia.
Feel free to ask me questions, so I can develop some ideas more clearly! Asks also help inspire me with my writing!
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
( TO BEAT THE DEVIL ) An introduction.
FORMAT: teleplay / novel
GENRE: horror, coming of age
LOGLINE: An interning demon drives a pair of twins cursed with obedience and honesty to kill their cult leader.
THEMES: Trauma, sexual abuse, domestic violence, victim blaming (particularly self blame), peer pressure, redemption, internalized homophobia, and religion.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Sexual abuse, violence, domestic and otherwise, manipulation, and death
EXTENDED SUMMARY, CHARACTERS, EXCERPT AND NOTES:
Carmine can taste it. They're hiding something. Humans have such a silly smell about them, turns an overwhelming shade of sweet when they've made a demonic deal. All four of these children have. He just can't figure out what, and more importantly: why.
It keeps him on the surface longer than he should be. Long enough that Lilith sees it fit to send him a fucking trainee? And if that wasn't insult enough, the trainees one of the eternal teenage know-it-alls.
He's already got four annoying toddlers to trail, and now there's one tugging his hand in the new generation's approach to soul-catching like Carmine isn't one of the best employees they've had since the turn of the century.
And somehow, to make it all worse, the trainee is good at it. And if Carmine wants to keep his spot at the top of the food chain, he's going to have to get the soul of that dumb bitch who's running the joint.
But, of course, the kid gets him murdered??? And then has the nerve to figure out how what those toddlers managed to stick their syrupy, grubby little hands in. What gives?
But two can play at that game. If he can't get the dead guy's, then he can have the next best thing.
Jesse has lived just under seventeen years, but he's ready to check out. Or he was. But of course, some selfish bastard had to come along and say you can't ever act on those thoughts again! Don't think like that!
And then the hole kept getting deeper.
Six feet deep, to be exact. He's got blood on his hands and no matter how fucking good it felt to cut off the air supply to the God who stole his innocence, it's probably not going to feel very good to watch his mom suffer through a highly publicized trial with headlines like CHILD MURDERS HIGH PROFILE BENEFACTOR!!!
Oh. Well. Billy did say if he really got in that deep, he could always strike up a deal. His soul, everything wrapped up in a nice little bow, sweet as Easter Sunday. But until then? Yeah, he's content to live in a stupid fucking Sherlock Holmes novel.
CHARACTERS:
JESSE NIX: A soon-to-be seventeen-year-old saddled with the curse of obedience. Unlike miss-lucky-Ella-Enchanted, he wasn't told to give away his mommy's locket. No-siree. He was told to give away his virginity. In his opinion, the only appropriate payback is a life. Maybe, one day, if he really snaps, he'll dig up Pastor Dallin's corpse and chop his dick off. Really stick it to the man. If he doesn't go to prison first, anyway. (spotify playlist)
NANCY NIX: Also a soon-to-be-seventeen-year-old, though saddled with the curse of honesty. It's really not so bad. That is, until she stumbles across the sight of her dearest little brother covered in blood for no reason he can push through his metal braces. She refuses to believe he did it on purpose. If only she could convince the cops without sounding like a nutjob. (spotify playlist)
BEVERLY PINES: A seventeen-year-old cursed to feel the pain of those around her. It makes for some fun family dinners with a sadistic mom and a missing dad. Distance nulls pain, but she can't ever seem to make it past state lines before her mom gets wise and breaks one of her ribs. Oh, well. She's got a bone to pick with psychos like her mom. Apparently, Pastor Dallin was one of them. She doesn't think she could stomach the pain of killing someone, so next best thing, right? (spotify playlist)
CLARICE ANDERMANN: Also a seventeen-year-old cursed to be constantly in motion. It's honestly not that bad. She's Yale bound! Perks of having endless energy for everything to cheerleading to debate contests, though she can't imagine her heart's going to keep up like this. It's already hanging on by a thread. That thread is named Beverly Pines and like hell she's letting it go to prison for nothing. (spotify playlist)
BILLY: An annoying fuck trapped in a seventeen-year-old's body. No curses. The opposite, in fact - blessed with a silver tongue and a keen sense of deduction. It takes him all of two hours to put together (almost) everything about Jesse Nix. He just didn't think he could push the repressed little fuck to murder that quick. (All the more power to him, though. Prison always makes people desperate and paranoid, AKA: an easy mark.) (spotify playlist)
MAVIS EVANGELISTA: Former housewife turned grieving widow turned revered prophet. If she got a little help from someone downstairs, then who's to know? They love her all the same. Now, she really, really wants to see how far she can push them all. (spotify playlist)
CARMINE: Just a helpful guy, passing through. Really doesn't need anything, just a little pledge, is all! And then? Then, you can have everything you want, fame, money, power, love. The sky is your limit. The water's fine! (Ignore the piranhas, they'll wait till you're dead to eat your face, just a little bit.) (spotify playlist)
NOTES:
- all of these characters have equal importance within the story.
- personal tag system for story stuff is '#tbtd' and character tags are just first name (ex: '#jesse')
- this is kind of really fucked up. the only reason i wrote it was cause i was thinking damn ella enchanted really is NOT fucked up enough. like i don't think the author of ella enchanted went dark enough. a locket? that's it? a bitch move. i'm taking it to straight murder and sexual abuse
- jesse transgender, no character straight except evil people
- i'm not entirely sure how tag lists work but i think i get the gist of them?? idk if you want rb or ask or something </3
EXCERPT:
There were moments, where she was reminded just how different this voice was, how violent.
She had found Lynette, making off with her makeup that she’d spent her own allowance on. Mavis doted on her and, from what she’d seen of other families, everyone else looked upon their little siblings with contempt, despising the burden they dragged along with their existence.
But Mavis adored Lyn. When she'd been born, her mother had come home with a tiny thing bundled in pink fleece. Mavis had taken to Lyn on sight, thinking Lynette’s headband adorned with a baby blue bow was the universe’s way of telling her happy birthday! as reparations for the ones her mother had missed while she was enduring her week long stay at the hospital.
But that mindset was a disease, one that had finally caught up with her. Had Lynette not become her burden? She was nineteen, busting her back day and night so Lynette wouldn’t have to, that she might avoid the life that Mavis had lived in those blissful six years where it was her and her alone.
Had her mother not tampered down her birthday celebrations since Lynette’s was so very close and they couldn’t afford double anyway? Had Lynette not deprived her of the teenage experiences she heard her classmates speak of, going out and tasting alcohol for the first time while Mavis followed a ten year old Lynette house to house so she could complain of a stomach ache after she’d devoured all the candy on the walk back home?
And now this! Stealing her few precious items, the few things she bothered to save up for, few things she bothered to keep hidden. For what? It wasn’t as though she was ever going to have the courage to ask a peer of her’s out. She was a thief.
One Mavis had made the mistake of taking care of. She should’ve embraced those stirrings of resentment, should’ve left Lynette to her own devices since Lynette didn’t appreciate anything, or even half of what Mavis afforded her. She should’ve left her out in the cold that Christmas. How could anyone have known? It wasn’t as though corpses could talk--
She had let Lyn take off with the whole case, as if to remind herself when she woke up the next morning what she had considered, how vile the thought was.
Lyn had never done anything unforgivable to Mavis. Mavis didn’t suppose she ever could. It was no fault of Lyn’s she didn’t understand what it was like to live with their father. How could she? It was a topic off limits to Lyn by both Mavis and their mother. After all, a child born blind doesn’t know until it’s pointed out to them.
And yet, she found guilt hard to summon. She did, but the speed at which it came, the strength, made her uneasy. What had happened to the girl she was? Lyn had been her world. What had changed?
Then, dully, that other voice, entirely of its own volition, said You did.
#wip intro#writers on tumblr#writeblr intro#wip#wip introduction#current wips#my writing#writing#current wip#writing community#original wip#tbtd#my work
22 notes
·
View notes
Note
I have an important question regarding Sevilsoleia! How was a suitable vessel decided? Is there anything in common with the, vessels they inhabited? Or did the vessels volunteer themselves or were they chosen?
OKAY SO......... okay so uh big disclaimer that iphimery is just a fun oc sandbox that i'm deliberately NOT turning into a writing/webcomic project or anything, like i MIGHT create stuff for it, but it's meant to be just this fun zone where i am not putting ANY pressure on myself to actively work out every aspect of the story or the worldbuilding. the reason for this is that i'm no good at active worldbuilding, and the idea of having to think every single detail and consequence through and through is very stressful to me and tends to halt my creative outlet. WHICH IS TO SAY i'm just making stuff up as i go. almost all of the ideas i get for this world or the characters happen almost accidentally - either because there's a specific trope or aesthetic i want to include, or because i buy a character design or dig up an old OC and just want to give them a place to live, and by adding them i add a new piece of the puzzle. but it is still very much a work in progress, and the lore might change down the road! here are the factors behind Swivel's existence from my narrative level: - timian, from the moment he existed, had to have a Repressed Trauma Tragic Backstory which would preferably include dead family members, survivor's guilt, being an incredibly proficient fighter, and an immense need to protect e v e r y o n e and put other people's needs above his own. think gregor hartway and kaladin stormblessed. - the concept of an android that can use her chestplate as a shield while exposing her core is something i doodled ages ago, but never found anywhere to include. UNTIL NOW. i had already decided to link her to Florence, and then i linked Florence to Iphimery, and then i just wanted to make her relevant to the "main story," as it were. all of this was in the slow cooker of my brain for a pretty long time. the fact that i realized florence is timian's uncle who immigrated to iphimery ages ago is also a fairly New idea. - i've also tried to think about the vibe of timian's hometown. i needed it to be a place that wasn't super big, in a way that most everyone knows everyone else to some degree, and i wanted it to have some kind of Tradition deep in its bones as well, that would be relevant to WHY disaster befell this town at all. at some point i got the idea that the main export of Sevilder is medicine made by local flora & resources, and a process that was a guarded tradition. this could explain why anyone would attack such a small town and why so much was sacrificed for it all. (just for funsies: in the modern setting, Sevilder is very traditional and religious - Sevilsoleia is worshipped and heeded as a deity, but they don't have a physical presence like in the fantasy setting! both the town and timian's family survive just fine, and timian moves to iphimery to attend the university. his backstory here is far less tragic, but he has an arc about coming from a small, tight-knit town with all the pros and cons that entails, and finding his place in a vast and messy metropolis. it's a story about exploring your identities and your wants while also reshaping and reaffirming your relationship with your religion and culture and traditions.) ALL OF THIS funneled into the Obviously Very Logical And Intuitive Plot Decision that "timian fable was the chosen guardian for the godly vessel that was his younger sister, rocks fall everyone dies except timian who carries the trauma with him for the rest of his life :)" so uh none of this has answered your actual question. mostly because it's a piece of worldbuilding i haven't had the chance to actually piece together yet. i can probably say that since the town wasn't The Biggest Town Ever, there weren't THAT many vessels to pick from for each generation. i do think Swivel ended up having a preference for what kind of people they liked working together with and that they thought were worthy of wielding their power and keep their knowledge. so there's probably several factors: - the family of the vessel, what their work was, their social status, etc., mostly relating to like, how close they are to the Tradition of sevilder, right - the willingness and determination of the potential vessel, like you can absolutely argue that even if a child is 10000% wanting to become a godly vessel, it's stilla choice they are making as a CHILD, so the ethical concerns around consent are. they're there. that's the narrative point here - ""pure of heart"" type bullshit. again, it's a child, this whole concept is Flawed and Weird and i want to poke holes at it - it probably doesn't have to be a child, but it's usually young people so swivel doesn't have to jump between old people super frequently (although they've probably tried lots of things over the centuries) i'm sure there's MANY MORE factors involved, including sevilder tradition lore that hasn't dropped yet. this question would be equally interesting about "how are the Chosen Protectors picked?" regarding how timian came to be who he came to be. i still haven't decided how much is Ancetral Duty, and how much is "im volunteering to protect my sister NO MATTER WHAT", or if it is traditional for siblings. stay tuned, i suppose!!!!
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
Modern Les Mis AU this. Modern Les Mis AU that. Star Wars Les Mis AU when
!!!!!!!!! Not soon enough
The scales have fallen from my eyes, my whole world changed in just one flash of light, Star Wars is the logical place to go for a les mis AU and I can't believe I didn't see it before now. The existence of destiny, the importance and possibility of redemption, heroic doomed rebels, DEmOCraCy.
Weird mix of headcanons and plot? Below.
Jean Valjean as a kind young Jedi trying to keep order in the galaxy even as the Clone Wars escalate. He works himself to the home because he knows that in addition to defending the republic he is also keeping the galaxy safe for his family though he hasn't seen them since he was a child. Order 66 happens and he flees back to his family but is devastated to find them missing, presumed dead. The trauma of war was for nothing and he flees, falling to the darkside and living as an outlaw from both the newly formed Empire. A massive bounty on his head because he's one of the last Jedi known to be alive. Valjean gives into his worst impulses and lives from day to day doing whatever he needs to do to survive and evade the Empire. He stops thinking about the innocent people who might get hurt along the way until one day he comes across a Jedi temple and out pops Myriel.
Big redemption time.
Myriel fixes him up with a new identity and valjean sets out again a slightly less broken man.
Javert is a Bounty Hunter who, unlike most other bounty hunters, refuses to deal with criminals and only chases bounties put out by the Empire. He wears what looks suspiciously like a reclaimed Stormtrooper armour and everyone is too afraid to ask( isn't the point of this job that we DON'T have to wear uniforms)
Fantine meets Tholomyès on Coruscant and when he abandons her she decides to go off world to find work and a new, safe home for her and Cosette.
Cosette is kidnapped by the Thenardiers who are at the height of their power and influence as a family that controls a fleet of pirate spaceships and are on the lookout for force sensitive children to mould into a private army of force users. Fantine, desperate to get her back, turns to the most dangerous and lucrative profession she can find and becomes a bounty hunter in order to raise enough money to hire a team of mercenaries to save Cosette. She ends up teaming up for a bounty with Javert, who wants her help infiltrating a mining station because he suspects something fishy is going on as it's not turning the profit it should be, this just turns out to be its workers being paid a fair wage but Javert is vindicated because, gasp, guess who owns the station?
Hijinks ensue but Valjean eventually agrees to be taken in because he hears why Fantine needs the money and as he's already been exposed as an outlaw he knows he can't do any more good at the station. Fantine shoves Javert down a rubbish shoot and brings in Valjean herself, taking all of the bounty. Then she immediately breaks him out again and they go and rescue Cosette.
Cool battle ensues pew pew pew smash SMASH BOOM. They rescue most of the children and find them good homes all over the galaxy then flee with Cosette to one of the few Jedi temples left. Knowing Star Wars that temple is probably on a desert planet. Thenardiers pirate empire is essentially crippled and he is left with only a few of his child soldiers. He swears vengeance.
Years later Marius is a Prince of a planet with a suitably keysmashy name Snarfan-5? Snarfan-5. With his grandfather as regent Marius trusts that the right thing to do is agree to the demands of the Empire, until he finds out that his Father was a Mandalorian who didn't abandon him but was killed when the Empire attempted genocide in all the Mandalorians. Marius buys a helmet which he vows to never take off until he restores Madalore to its former glory, and starts to reclaim his roots which he's fairly sure have something to do with being good at fighting? He'll figure it out as he goes. Hopefully he can find this Thenardier guy who once saved his father's life.
Then he runs away to join the rebellion.
Enjolras was a Padawan before the republic fell who escaped Order 66, he never got to finish his training and accepts that the Jedi Order had a lot wrong with it but that didnt stop him from internalising all that stuff about the only acceptable love being vague love for people as a whole. He only used his force abilities when absolutely necessary: he considers it an unfair advantage.
Combeferre is fascinated by the force as it's both a proven scientific phenomena and a religion? Wild. When he was a child he wanted to work as a diplomat travelling from planet to planet, solving problems peacefully. Part of him hopes that if enough systems band together, they can force the Empire to yield peacefully.
Coufeyrac doesn't need the force to let you feel the love hes primarily a pilot and picks up Marius on a supply run. Not in the least bit force sensitive, cheerfully so.
Feuilly used to work in a workshop that made cybernetic limbs. He taught himself how to use the force without really understanding until later how unheard of it was. His long-term goal is to rebuild the Jedi without all the toxic feeling repression. He's most fluent in droid because he grew up around them and he really hates how people often treat droids as expendable machinery.
Prouvaire knows about force ghosts, we all know what he's doing with his time.
Joly has taken 345 vaccines for diseases which aren't transmissible to humans but better to be safe than sorry, right? He's always excited to go to a new planet because it means he can research local diseases/medicine.
Bossuet has been accidentally shoved out of 345 airlocks.
Grantaire is technically a darksider. He was a Padawan at the same time as Enjolras but struggles to live by the Jedi code, and was pretty easily seduced to the dark side as a result but he made an even worse Sith than he did a Jedi because he couldn't jam with the cruelty and sadism. Upon realising that the Sith were actually philosophically evil instead of just really liking the aesthetic he sort of sheepishly slips out the back door. The lesson he took from this is that there is no right way to wield power: you either become ineffectual monks or megalomaniac sadists so the only option is to give up. He eventually nominally joins the resistance and he keeps having horrible force visions about all his friends dying which he trys to drown out with copious amounts of alcohol(it never works).
Bahorel is a Wookie. I don't think that requires further explanation.
Marius settles in with them although he learns to keep his mouth shut about the glorious old days of the Mandalorian empire.
Thenardier tried to train his few remaining child soldiers by throwing sharp objects at them. Long story short Eponine still can't use the force and only has one ear but she is very good at dodging things. Gavroche escaped on his own and is basically a 13 year old Han Solo. He stole a novelty yacht in the shape of an elephant, despite this hugely distinctive ship he has never been gotten close to bring caught. Has close ties with the resistance.
Cosette is taught at Fantines insistence how to use the force and blast people to hell and back, she learns these skills pretty well but more importantly Cosette is given more love that any one person needs so she grows up to be exactly as kind and loving as she is in canon. Valjean is secretly delighted to have a Padawan but also scared that he's going to pass his icky Sith germs onto Cosette. Blasters are Fantines speciality; she teaches Cosette to shoot first. They are eventually honest about their pasts with Cosette, mostly because it would be dangerous not to be. Cosette makes the decision to leave dispute the danger not wanting to live in hiding for the rest of her life.
There's a prophesy about a chosen one and everyone keeps mistakenly assigning it to Enjolras but it's very very clearly about Cosette
#Les Miserables#les mis#Fantine#hell yeah she lived#cosette fauchelevent#Marius Pontmercy#Jean Valjean#javert#enjolras#les amis#grantaire
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sanders Six the Musical
I’m listening to the soundtrack again and I’ve had thoughts so-
this is when they actually all get along, no dark side light side bs
EX WIVES: Aragon is Roman, paragon of royalty indeed, very loyal and a big diva, petty. Boleyn is Remus, would split nations bc he’s too sexy and would be proud of that, would definitely get executed. Seymour is Patton, a parent, died, puns. Cleves is deceit bc the whole discourse over looks. Howard is Virgil bc coming in strong and sassy but if you look at it too long its angst. Parr is Logan, bc composed elegant and badass, also lowkey narrator, keeps everyone on track, also smart one liners.
NO WAY: opens with Roman just patting himself on the back for how much he dealt with, throwing shade, golden rule, heavy Beyonce vibes and he would, petty about Remus. proud and spiteful, extravagant and breaking into rap. royalty and won’t let you forget that, will never leave. hella vocals and will flaunt them at any given moment to remind you how awesome he is. dance break!! i imagine him twirling his sword and kicking ass while dancing or smth. break for seriousness, still beautiful vocals, petty and shady and just for it. stands his ground, will be royalty forever regardless of what happens. doing his damnedest to make you regret dumping him.
DON’T LOSE UR HEAD: Remus mentions he’s royalty but that’s like it. boys lame? gay disaster. seriousness isn't his thing. met the king and wanted to f. cocky and definitely not pg. flirty and immature, also dismisses all criticism. faking innocence, but not naivete. is the side ho, and definitely would homewreak without regrets. gives Roman a ton of shit, makes gruesome comments. does the unorthodox and terrible way of dealing with situations. just wants to fuck, why is religion like this. but now he’s the main ho not the side one and he’s over it. would definitely get executed for stepping out of line/ over the line. legit doesn’t know what the proper response is but will mask that with sheer chaotic energy. where did the vocals come from, goddamn. really doesn't care for repercussions.
HEART OF STONE: Patton!!! knows how the other person is changing all the time. he knew what he was getting himself into, but promised he’d be with them. heart of stone, he’d always be by your side and despite everything that he feels and deals with he will make it through. life is hard and emotions can be rough, but he will be there through all of it. famILY! loves deeply and truly, but knows that it can change. but he doesn’t care! he’ll still love you. wow this song is beautiful ok. knows his time is limited ??? his love can be felt from wherever you are, he will always be there with you regardless of what’s going on. cares deeply about his son. THE HIGH NOTE GET IT!!! he will bear everything in order to lighten your load a little, but he won’t break, because he loves you too much.
HAUS OF HOLBEIN: Remus made this the song that plays whenever someone enters the darkside hallway and they don’t know how to change it back. just the twins and Virgil fucking with deceit, tbh. but he’s vibing with the song so it’s not terrible. Logan is factchecking and Patton is just dancing along not really listening. Virgil has the airhorn. everyone is doing meme dances. it is chaos and cringe incarnate they’re lucky Virgil is a meme lord.
GET DOWN: Deceit by himself being a damn diva. Virgil and Remus woof. profile picture he looks like either Logan or Patton. but he’s got a pic of him doing like a smolder. he’s in charge and trying to be subtle about it but he’s too dramatic so it’s just him bragging. oop a religion reference. Remus and Roman are back up dancers. Deceit being really petty about being pushed aside. instead of the slow mo its the opera version. check out the american cleves. its beautifully sassy. he’s different and flaunts it. the ending is so badass, he would just have all six hands out and being cool. the song is just him being super duper sassy.
ALL YOU WANNA DO: Virgil. in the beginning hyping himself up (like when he was first introduced) but it just progressively gets worse. innuendos all day long, Remus is making crude hand motions in the background. starts off innocent and romantic but like the world just crushes it. i hate this song bc of how wonderfully it conveys the trauma, i feel atrocious at the end of it everytime it’s incredible. Trust issues!! starting to become suspicious of others, and eventually certain that all other people do is be cruel and abuse you. he’s finally got a place!! he feels comfortable!! then something happens and that’s not the case anymore. god this song is terrifying. progressively becoming more numb and cynical and covered. THOMASSSS. honestly yeah i’m down with that. just bar the “connection” and i’d say it’s spot on. anyways. a panic attack in the midst of a song? you bet your ass he’s still got a gorgeous and haunting voice. eyeshadow progressively getting darker the whole song. Patton is sobbing, everyone is crying. The song ends with a group hug bc that’s some heavy shit
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE: Logan!! my boy!! anyway. he has a love (his work, another side, take your pick) but he wont’ let himself indulge because he has to survive. he has to do what he must in order to keep living, and sometimes that means he can’t do what he loves. he still loves them/it but he can’t. emotions!!!!!!!!!!!! also he’s got an angelic voice like its so clean and smooth and elegant. has responsibilities that he must deal with, but he really doesn’t want to. those repressed emotions come out and he’s so damn fed up with how he’s treated and he’s just venting and releasing his anger. but he can’t. it will interfere with his responsibilities. narrator mode get that exposition. why should that be what you know of him though? he’s so much more than just his role! he loves space and writing and poetry and songs. advocate for education and human rights!! but he metas and knows that’s not his purpose in the story so he stays within his role or else he’ll disappear. and the others butt in on the moment bc he can’t have a song to himself. but he rallies everyone to put their differences aside and they all indulge in what they wish happened. they don’t care about the plot! they don’t care about the story! they are just who they are, each individual and different and people! and Logan doesn’t need validation and he’s not lying this time! also the vocals here god i love this song so much hnng. THE HIGH NOTE GET IT YESSSS. he would bc he’s a secret diva no one can tell me otherwise.
SIX: Roman rejects a prince bc he’s a king and he just sings for the rest of his life at the top of the charts indeed. Remus plagiarizes and becomes famous for it, putting his own twist on it. Patton just has a big famILY and they all get along and sing, also puns! someone face palms at them. Deceit brightens up the darksides bc he’s the wine aunt and a dad. Virgil avoids trauma and learns what he wants, and enjoys his music for the rest of his life. Logan is fascinated with the others, and admits that he loves the other sides. they know that this isn’t canon but boy are they taking it for a ride. THEY ALL START GLOWING IN THEIR COLORS BC I SAID SO. THE ENDING!!! screams epic magic girl transformation to me for some reason. everyone is having a blast, and at the end they all merge into thomas who shoots upright with a smile
if only i could animate man. this would be so good, if anyone at all makes this i will cry someone please do something i’m begging
#ts headcanon#ts logan#ts roman#ts patton#ts logan sanders#ts virgil#ts deceit#ts deciet#ts remus#six the musical
20 notes
·
View notes
Note
Did you end up listening to links EB? I'm curious about your thoughts
Warning, this post is extensively about religion, the concept of sin, trauma, self- torment. Please skip if you feel uncomfortable with any of these being mentioned. Also, this post is my personal interpretation of events discussed in the last EBs. I believe I am not exceeding any boundaries but keep in mind all the same that I do make assumptions here.
Oookay… where to start and what to say…Even though I’d read many MB comments about Link’s EB and I was prepared, I was much more shaken by the end of it than I had expected. I still don’t know how to start so I’ll connect this a bit to the guess in my previous post. Link was indeed more absolute in his beliefs and thoughts than Rhett but it was for the reason I considered the least probable: he’s leaning away from Christianity / religion more than Rhett. His reaction to it involves anger and disappointment.
I’ll just address this: I understand there are many valid reasons for which they say they haven’t experienced trauma associated with their religion and its practices but this is 99% not true. Perhaps they don’t say it because they are still processing it, they are just now realising it or haven’t yet. Sometimes when you’re bursting with emotions, especially toxic, you can’t see the truth easily. On the other hand, maybe they don’t want to share with us their trauma and this is perfectly normal. Most people wouldn’t share their trauma with the global population. Speaking to your therapist or a close person is already hard enough. What they did means a lot to them so it was a very brave decision.
When it comes to emotions, self-awareness and confronting oneself, Link is braver than Rhett. That’s why his episode is braver than Rhett’s too. I don’t believe Rhett’s insistence that his pursuit for answers was strictly intellectual. Yes, they acknowledged they are very different personalities but I think Rhett still has trouble accepting or admitting the toll his choices and beliefs early in life could have had in his emotional world for decades. Link exposed him a little, mentioning several times that Rhett would discuss with him their similar concerns that were often largely irrelevant to the Evolution and the accuracy of the events described in the Bible. You can hear that Rhett is sometimes hesitant to participate a lot to Link’s EB and I respect that. He does not have to say any of this to us after all. He’s not obligated to say as much as Link either.
As for Link, Link is a person that loathes keeping things buried inside him and yet it seems this is all he ‘s been doing his entire life. Like I said in my guess, Link’s natural predisposition was not to care all that much about religion as a child but he yearned for guidance (and a father figure) that I am afraid he was deprived of in his household. The reasons Link is so obsessed with systems and organizing is probably because he always felt there was not enough control / order / guidance in his life. He relied on his systems and the most willingly authoritative people he could find: Rhett and, by extension, Rhett’s father. Make no mistake, I’m not condemning Rhett. I hate to say that Rhett was also a victim of his father. Of course, I don’t mean his father wanted to torment his son but simply his parenting was toxic even though he was undoubtedly trying for the best for his family. Rhett was not the one who kicked Link out of his car. The real Rhett was the one who walked back to him. His anger for Link’s “sin” (for fuck’s sake???!!) was his father and all the religious teachings speaking in his ear. Besides, the fact that a 16 year old would feel ashamed on behalf of another teenager and abandon him in the middle of a road because he drank a little alcohol simply shows how much poison was eating Rhett’s insides too without realising it.
You see, what makes me melancholic is that in this perspective Link and even Rhett sound like they were really innocent children - pure souls. But sometimes when someone is by nature or by circumstances so sensitive / innocent / sheltered / isolated, then whatever attacks them first (i.e extreme religious teachings) can fuck them up very easily. Link was innocent enough that he was convinced that as a baby he had committed serious sins that Jesus sacrificed to save him from specifically. Kid Link felt guilty for things he couldn’t even fathom. He was compelled to maintain a relationship with Jesus (which they were both interpretting almost as a regular, literal one) out of gratitude for his “””redemption””””. Then he lived in constant fear of what could be perceived as sin by God next. Crying because he had a few drinks. Staying (too) away from Christy because he was more “irresponsible” with his previous girlfriend. (At this point I am really curious what Link considered irresponsible / sinful in a romantic relationship but I am afraid of the answer.) We all understand I hope that this isn’t very different from those monks who have an “unholy” thought and then whip themselves until they pass out, right? The reasoning is the same and it’s self-torment. The irony is I think Link probably was doing a pretty solid job as a Christian (even by conservative standards). He sounds like he had unrealistic expectations about his relationship with God. I sensed that he’s still not completely over this.
After I learned the truth about their “lost years” I was slightly disappointed because I had this dreamy view of a friendship where one quits his job because the other has artistic visions for both of them. It turns out there was even more devotion and loyalty on Link’s part after all. Link stayed in this religious system basically because Rhett did, because he had so much faith and trust in him and he was repressing himself because “surely Rhett is right and it’s just that I am the insufficient one again”. My understanding is that the first signs of Rhett’s scepticism was something Link desperately hoped for for years against all odds. It’s mindblowing for me that Link started distancing himself from the church only after Rhett’s doubts were multiplying and he started being open about them. The amount of respect and trust he has for Rhett could probably be found in novels.
In order to make a full circle, all this makes it obvious once more that there is trauma - maybe severe - involved. I mean, these incidents alone are traumatic enough and now imagine everything they have not told us. What’s more, Link sounded like there was trauma involved. So did Rhett. For more proof, just watch today’s GMM where Terry prays for Link. Notice Link’s clear discomfort. He felt bad but he didn’t want to make it awkward for poor unsuspecting Terry who was just trying to make a joke. This shows though how easily Link is triggered - Terry clearly pushed all the wrong buttons there - and that means trauma. I don’t have the slightest doubt that Link was 100% sincere when he said a big part of it was his frustration that people dear to him could not be accepted by the Church he was a member of but, let’s be real, it’s a whoooole different thing realising some stuff and making calm decisions to stand by your non-privileged friends and reevaluate your choices than actually almost having a panic attack at the thought of following your family inside a building that happens to be a church. This hints to a personal wound, it is an instictual response for self-protection. Also, we know how adamant Link is to not disappoint and keep the family as united as possible - it is uncharacteristic that he wanted to make a different choice that day instead of, say, go in there with them and simply stand indifferent and not participate.
They are healing right now. Despite what Link said, I feel they both still yearn very much for a higher force, an almighty spirit. They just need it to be unconditionally loving and accepting and just. Their spiritual journey is not over.
#link neal#rhett and link#randl#rhett mclaughlin#tw trauma#tw religion#tw christianity#ear biscuits#mythical
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
It’s Time to Begin
Summary: Dan and Phil went through hell and back when they were teenagers to fight against the evil clown. However, when they get called back to Derry, they know that the fight is just beginning again with whatever it is. But old feelings begin to get rehashed and they decide to confess something to the other before they head towards the fight for their lives.
Phan IT Part 2!Au
Word Count: 3.9k
Trigger Warnings: Mentions of violence, homophobia, emetophobia, alcohol, death (not MCD) and general horror movie elements
Written for the @phandomreversebang for the art by softphiily and beta work by @flymetomanchester!
**Read on Ao3**
A/N: I purposely left the ending as hopeful because if you've seen the movie, then you know the ending and it's extremely sad. So i left the ending ambiguous because I want people to not read this and feel sad but read this and feel hopeful for the end!
When Dan got the call that was about returning to Derry, he vomited. It wasn’t that he was feeling queasy before then, but it was because he knew what the call meant.
The call had come in from Joshua. All he said was the words, “Come back to Derry” and the words had filled Dan’s head with dread.
He was due to go into his comedy show that afternoon, but the words rattled around in his head and he failed to say anything. People booed him, and he laughed because he tried to make the best of it.
He left the stage without announcing so and vomited in the bin on stage right just behind the curtain. He prayed that the microphone on his shirt was turned off and no one could hear him.
It had been so long since he’s thought about Derry, so long since he’s left there. He was convinced that he never wanted to think of the name of that town again, and he had been successful up until this point.
Joshua had told him to take a flight to Maine but Dan was all the way in Los Angeles and was reluctant to do so. He could drag feet, pretend he didn’t actually hear the words, and move on with his life.
But that wouldn’t be fair.
Oh, yes, why wouldn’t it be fair? Dan remembered the blood pact that they had made on the other side of the Stone bridge that one afternoon all those years ago. At the thought, his hand itches and he instinctively itches his palm, raking his fingernails over the slightly raised scar.
He can’t go back. No, there is no way that he could. Too many memories. Too much trauma. Too much everything. If he goes back, that literally only means one thing: it’s back.
Dan doesn’t even want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about any of it. He doesn’t want to think about Derry, about his former friends, and especially about what they experienced the summer when they were 14.
No, Dan refuses.
He rubs the bridge of his nose between his fingers as he managers rushes a cold bottle of water to him and he takes the damp plastic and shoves it to the nose of his neck and holds it there.
He stands up a bit straighter and makes a beeline past his manager for the table of food and drinks in the back. He grabs the first bottle of wine that he sees, some white bottle that says it’s a Moscato, and he unscrews the cap and begins to drink it down.
Alcohol is going to be the only thing that can numb his feelings tonight.
***
It all started in Derry, back in 1991.
He was a young nerdy boy who just wanted to spend his summer playing the shitty arcade games at his local theater. He’d gotten pretty good at Pac-Man and Donkey Kong that summer, setting multiple high scores just to show off to all of the weebs around him that he was the best.
But when school came around that fall, things began to change a bit more. Namely, his friend group. He’d begun to hang out with Robbie and Steven.
Robbie had a bit of a stutter, but Dan didn’t mind. He likes to pick on Robbie, and sometimes Robbie took it well, and sometimes he didn’t.
Steven was quiet, kept to himself. He was Jewish and while Dan himself wasn’t any religion, he still decided to go with his new friend occasionally to temple to see what it was all about. As they grew up, Dan was willing to always help Steven with his studies for his bar mitzvah.
And then there was Jenna and Bradley. But Dan didn’t know them as well as he knew the others. Yeah, they all hung out, but he still knew the others better.
But it was Phil who Dan liked the most. He was a little bit of a hypochondriac—well, maybe a little bit isn't the correct way to phrase that. Phil panicked a lot about anything. His mom had him conditioned to believe everything and anything was a germ and it was a miracle to Dan that Phil even lasted this long in a public school without having an actual freak out.
But there was always something about Phil that Dan never forgot. Not even all these years later, as Dan is sitting in his car in the parking lot of the studio for his show, fighting back tears as he struggles to breathe.
His phone continues to vibrate on the seat next to him, texts from Joshua rushing in asking him to come back to Derry, that Derry needs their group there to save everything.
Dan knows what is waiting for them, and he’s not sure he wants to ever face it. He had faced it once when they were kids, trying to stop the monster from hurting any other children like they had hurt Robbie’s little brother.
For many years, Dan has tried to act brave because he tried to forget about everything that had happened to them. And really, he had pretty much done that until today's text and all of the memories came flooding back.
He starts his car, turns on the radio as loud as it will go as it blasts Radiohead out of its speakers. The couple in the car next to his turn their heads and he sings alone, trying to forget and drown out the buzzing of his phone on the passenger seat.
No...he won’t go back to Derry.
He can’t go back.
***
Despite Dan’s best efforts, he finds himself in the small town he grew up in, driving past the old arcade where he held all of his records and he sees posters still tacked on the outside from the ‘90s, the last time it had ever been open. Dan’s gut aches a bit more but he’s gotten sick way too much over the last 3 days to still have anything in his stomach.
Dan books an overnight stay in the only bed and breakfast in all of Derry. He books only for one night because he has no intention of actually staying. Part of him hopes that this is all a sick joke to get all of the Losers group to meet up again but he knows deep down that’s not gonna be the case.
After all, it had been a long time since the first ordeal happened.
Dan’s not even sure if he wants to see any of his old friends. It seems like so much has happened since they left and he can’t even decipher if he wants to try and make up for lost time. Maybe the only person he would like to reconnect with is Phil, see how he’s doing, how his health is doing.
Dan laughs to himself as he sits on the edge of the bed with the key to the room in his hand. Phil...good ole’ hypochondriac Phil. Dan does miss him, miss the way he used to freak out over just touching a handrail on a staircase and immediately start dousing his body in hand sanitizer.
He hasn’t heard from Phil in years. The last time he did, he heard Phil got married. And while that’s great for him, Dan can’t help but feel the punch in his gut over the fact that Phil got married.
Mostly because Dan is still harboring a crush on him after all these years. So many years of repressed homophobic language and words. He’s not out to anyone he knows. He’s not even out to his friends back in Hollywood. The only person he is out to is himself.
Dan drops the key out of his grasp and he jumps at the clatter it makes on the hardwood floor in the way too silent room. Part of him wishes he had gotten the nerve to come out to Phil before they all left for college--which Dan dropped out of anyway. They hadn’t even said that much before they all left for their own lives. Dan just gave Phil a quick hug goodbye at graduation and gave them all a promise he’d keep in touch and then they were all gone.
A knock sounds through his door and his shoulders jump as he stands up from the bed and walks over to the door. He opens it slowly and a bit of glee jumps into his chest as he sees Jenna standing there, her strawberry blonde hair tucked behind her ear.
“Hey, Dan!” She says, a voice wavering a bit with tiredness but her eyes still bright green. “Long time no see.”
Dan nods and lets out a laugh. It’s been so long that he’s seen her that it feels a bit unreal to see her now as 30 year old than her teenage self, “You look really good!”
A loud laugh escapes her lips and she waves him off, “Stop lying.”
Dan’s really not but he laughs along. She invites herself into his room and they find themselves talking about their life from the last however many years that they haven’t had contact.
Dan learns that Jenna is going to be filing for divorce from her abusive husband soon and Dan wishes her well in that. He tells Jenna about how he has an upcoming comedy tour beginning in a few months and she jokes that she’s going to buy tickets for one of his shows in New York City.
It feels nice to catch up, but in the end, they both still sit in silence because they deep down know the real reasons why they are here right now. Jenna begins to shake a bit and Dan feels sick again but they both just smile at each other and then Jenna tells him that the others are here too. So they walk downstairs together.
It’s like a mini-reunion but upon seeing everyone standing there, he quickly realizes that they’re missing someone. Steven isn’t here. Dan looked around to make sure he wasn’t just missing him.
“Where is Steven?” Jenna asks before anyone can say anything. She folds her arms over her chest, standing next to Dan.
Robbie stands up and Dan sees the pain behind his eyes, “Steven...Steven passed away. I got an unfortunate call from his wife.”
Everyone opens and closes their mouths and Dan particularly feels the wave crash over him. Did that fucker get to Steven first? How is that even possible? Steven didn’t live around here.
“I know you guys all have questions,” Joshua says, “And I’m sure that you already have some of the answers for them too.”
Dan nods along with the others. Joshua reaches down his side and opens the messenger bag on his shoulder, pulling out a notebook. As he does this, Dan turns his head and looks at Phil for the first time since he came downstairs.
Phil looks so much different. He’s wearing a pair of glasses and his black hair is pushed back into a quiff. His body has also filled out a lot more, more muscle and more definition. And if Dan wasn’t totally in love with him when they were teenagers, he definitely is now. He still is looking at Phil when he looks down at his hand and sees that Phil’s left hand is missing a ring.
His heart stutters for a moment.
“...So you all will need to go out and get that piece to put in our sacrifice to kill it.”
Dan wasn’t listening to much of what Joshua had told all of them. But he was listening now.
“So…” Bradley asks, sitting his hips against the bar behind him. “You’re asking us all to disperse on our own to relieve our teenage trauma just to find that missing piece.”
“Yes.”
“I’m not doing that,” The voice is Phil’s. He’s stood up straighter, his body a bit more rigid. “I can’t do that.”
“How do we even know where to look?” Dan speaks up. “This town is basically vacated. None of the locations we knew as teens are still going to be here.”
“Well, you have to try,” Joshua speaks up. “Or else we’re all going to end up like Steven.”
An uncomfortable silence lingers in the air and Dan swallows back the tension in his throat. He doesn’t want to do this. This seems like such a ridiculous idea and he really wants no part of it.
“If we all don’t get our objects,” Robbie says, speaking up again, “It’s not going to work.”
“So when do we need to have these found by?” Jenna asks, uncrossing her arms from her chest.
“We should all meet here by 6 tonight,” Joshua responds, “So we can make sure everyone has their object. We’ll also need to find Steven’s.”
“How are we going to find Steven’s?” Dan asks. “There isn’t…”
“We’ll find it,” Robbie speaks up, “We--we have to.”
The stutter in Robbie’s speech brings him back to the days of his youth when Robbie had a really bad speech impediment and Dan used to pick on him about it. Of course, he regrets all of that now, but he can’t take back what he did in the past.
“Okay, let’s break up then,” Bradley says, smoothing his hand over his face.
“I’m still not going to do this,” Phil says, standing his ground. “This isn’t worth it.”
“So everyone dying is?” Joshua asks, his voice serious. “If you don’t go and find your object, we’re all going to die. There is no question about it.”
No one else says anymore. Joshua and Robbie both leave and Bradley, Phil, and Jenna are left standing there. Jenna leaves eventually too and Dan stands there with Phil. He takes one last look at Phil before he leaves and he tries to ignore that he can clearly see Phil is crying. If he stays for a second longer, he’ll start to cry as well.
***
Dan doesn’t even know where to start. He gets into his car in the parking lot of the bed and breakfast and turns on the engine. He’s not sure where he wants to go, where he should go. He supposes he can just drive around because there has to be a sign somewhere.
He ends up on the main street and he finds himself parked in front of the old arcade. He remembers this arcade so clearly. It wasn’t really an arcade, it was a movie theater with some games in the front.
But Dan treated it like an arcade. He spent many afternoons here during the school year and during the summer. He particularly loved the Donkey Kong machine and as he opens his car door, he wonders if the machine is still here.
He gets up and walks towards the front of the dilapidated building and looks at the way the broken glass glistens in the sunlight behind him. The doors are completely broken open and when he looks down at the floor just beyond them, he can see many pieces of glass.
Maybe this wasn’t the best idea for him to come here.
But then he sees it in the distance, the donkey kong game that he used to play every single summer. He laughs to himself and braves the glass as he walks inside and goes over to the dust and cobweb-covered machine.
It probably doesn’t even work still, but he wants to try it out anyway. He pulls the sleeve of his jacket down over his hands and he quickly wipes the screen off and presses some buttons. The machine suddenly boots up and he laughs at the luck. He moves the joystick to the high scores and he feels a hit of nostalgia as he sees that his initials still hold all of the top ten spots.
He kind of wants to see if he can beat his old score. Just for the hell of it. But when he presses all of the buttons, it says he needs to insert one token and he knows that those must be long gone. But he starts to look for them anyway.
He looks beside the machine and on the floor and he looks inside the coin flaps of the machines in case any were left there and never picked up again. He kicks over a few pieces of glass, trying to be careful but still eager to find a token. He suddenly finds one and picks it up, looking it over in the sunlight.
It’s the classic gold token he remembers so much, having to pay a quarter for every token back in the day and his mom only giving him $2 at a time. He used to blow through all of that to play every game for as long as possible but sometimes that didn’t happen and he’d waste his token.
Especially when the bullies started to come more and more frequently. He remembers so vividly one day in particular. It was the summer after everything had happened with it. He came to the arcade every single day to get his mind off from the horrors he experienced and he quickly became a target.
He was called a nerd for a while. Weeb became more and more of an insult. But when the words stopped working, next came the punches and Dan became accustomed to them. They started calling him a ‘fag’ or a ‘homo’ and those were what stung the most.
He would always run to try and avoid them. Normally he ended up in the park across the street because he knew that’s where he could get away from them since the bullies didn’t dare to touch him while he was in front of everyone else.
Dan falls back to the present and looks down at the token in his hand. This has to be the object he needs to give to Joshua. He felt such a strong emotion from it just by picking it up in his hand.
He walks back out of the arcade and sucks in a breath as he sees a red balloon pass by him and continue down the street.
***
Dan winds up in the park by himself, twisting the token in the pocket of his jacket. It’s so empty around here now. It’s like no one even lives here anymore but really who can blame them? After all the horrific shit that happened, he’s surprised anyone stayed at all.
He’s sitting on the bench when he hears footsteps come up to him and he sees Phil standing in front of him, his own hands in his pocket as the cool spring breeze blew through, “Did you find your object?”
Dan nods and pulls out the token from his pocket, “Arcade token.”
Phil nods and takes a seat beside him, “I found mine too. My inhaler.”
“You used to rely on that all of the time,” Dan says with a chuckle. “I remember you wouldn’t go anywhere without it.”
“Did you know I didn’t even need this?” Phil asks, pulling it out of his pocket. “I was told a few years back that I didn’t even have asthma.”
“So what were you even using that for?” Dan asks because surely that’s not healthy.
“Nothing,” Phil says with a laugh. “I was just listening to what my mom told me.”
Dan just nodded and sat there, silence between them.
“How is your wife doing?” Dan asks because he’s trying to just make polite conversation.
“Oh, we’re not together anymore,” Phil says. “We settled our divorce over a year ago.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Dan says biting his lip.
Phil just shrugs, “She reminded me too much of my mom.”
Dan let out a snort and Phil did too.
“Oh gosh.”
“Plus I just realized something about myself that...well, that made it so it was hard to fully be in love with her.”
Dan bites his lip and tries to not get his hopes up by what Phil means. Of course, Dan would love for his crush to be reciprocated after all of these years but he knows that that won’t ever happen.
“What about you?” Phil asks. “Never did hear much about you once you left.”
“Oh, I never really had any relationships,” Dan says at first. “I put so much focus on my comedy career and it’s finally starting to pay off. I have a big tour coming in the next few months.”
Phil smiles at him, “That’s awesome to hear.”
The wind bustles around them and the sky begins to darken as the night rolls in. Dan didn’t realize he had been out for so long. It feels like only an hour or so has passed.
“Hey, Dan,” Phil says, his voice wavering a bit, “Can I tell you something?”
Dan swallows back his feelings and nods, “Of course you can.”
Phil sucks his lips into a tight line and then opens them as he says, “It’s just...if I die here, I want someone to know this about me so I didn’t live my entire life a lie.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m gay.”
Dan fights back the smile that plays on his lips at Phil’s confession because as soon as the words sink in, Dan feels his tears well up in his eyes as well. After all, he feels the exact same way. If he dies within the next few days, no one is going to know his secret either.
“Phil, I’m gay too,” Dan says.
Phil turns to him and forces a smile on his lips as a stray tear makes its way down his cheek and Dan fights back the tears that want to spill down his as well. He takes a few deep breaths.
“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Phil chuckles out with a watery laugh.
Dan just nods and chuckles as well, “You’re the only person who knows.”
“You too, for me,” Phil says. “I haven’t told anyone else yet.”
The sun sets a bit lower and Dan feels his phone buzz in his pocket. Just as he grabbed at his, Phil grabbed at his own as well and sighed.
“It’s from Joshua,” Phil answers. “They all have their objects and are at the hotel so we should go too.”
“So this is really happening then?” Dan says, his voice wavering more. “We’re really going to finally kill this thing then?”
Phil nods, “I guess so.”
They stand up from the bench and make their way back to the main street. They round the corner towards the arcade and Dan sees his car is still sitting there. A single red balloon is floating next to the driver’s side window.
Dan takes a deep breath and he looks at Phil next to him as he takes one as well. As they walk towards the car, their hands brush for a second and Dan fights back the tears as he realizes that this may be the last time he can have a conversation like this with Phil.
Because they may not be alive after tonight.
Dan just prays to whatever God that is above that they can finally finish this battle tonight, kill the thing that’s been torturing them, and make it out alive. Because he wants to be able to see Phil on the other side.
And as Phil looks at him too, and their hands suddenly intertwine without either of them initiating it, Dan realizes there is nothing he wants more than to get revenge and move on with his life.
It���s time.
#phan#phanfic#phanfiction#phandom reverse bang#angst#horror#au#alternate universe#princesslexi763fics
16 notes
·
View notes
Link
Trauma: Understanding Resilience and the Mind-Body Connection from an Eastern vs Western Medicine Perspective
Looking for a massage that goes deeper than deep tissue? While massage is often about finding that sweet relief from the daily wear and tear we put on our bodies, sometimes it has a deeper purpose. When working in the context of trauma and its connection to our mind, body and spirit, there is a wealth of wisdom that can be applied to aid in understanding where trauma comes from and how our bodies keep the score of the trauma we experience in our lifetime. Our trauma trained Massage Therapists here at Peace of Mind Sacred Wellness can help you to uncover emotional holding and tension patterns and reclaim your resilience while gently meeting you where you are: with non-judgement and un-opposing of opinions, world beliefs, religion, race or sexual identity.
Everything Changes
That’s the universal nature of outer reality and inner experience. Therefore, there’s no end to disturbed equilibria as long as you live. But to help you survive, your brain keeps trying to stop the river: struggling to hold dynamic systems in place, to find fixed patterns in the variable world, and construct permanent plans for changing conditions. Consequently, your brain is forever chasing after the moment that has just passed, trying to understand and control it.
Eastern Perspective on Trauma
In Buddhist tradition, how successfully we manage our trauma is determined by our movement on the path to enlightenment. The goal is to maintain the awareness and presence to life’s challenging circumstances, and to prevent falling into the abyss of a fixed negative life orientation, which then becomes the focus of identification as “self.” For example, if one asks the question, “Who are you?” the answer might be: “I am a rape victim”; “I am a tsunami victim”; “I am a cancer patient”; “I am a refugee.” In these identifications, the person has lost the multi-dimensional reality of their humanity, and has attached themselves to the toxic or negative situation in which they find themselves – even though it is only one aspect of the whole individual and to provide a path out of – or at least toward reducing – suffering.
To understand trauma and suffering, we need to understand how the brain works. The brain continues to produce simulations even when they have nothing to do with staying alive. Simulations make you suffer. The simulator pulls you out of the present moment. Clips in the simulator contain lots of beliefs, mini movies that keep us stuck. We all suffer sometimes and some people suffer a lot. Compassion is the natural response to suffering, including your own self compassion. Because self-compassion is more emotional than self-esteem, it is a powerful tool to reduce the impact of difficult conditions. It builds resilience.
“The root of compassion is compassion for oneself.” -Pema Chodron
Western Perspective on Trauma
In Western traditions, through an Integrative approach, we heal trauma in part through Mind/ Body medicine and the understanding of resilience. Resilience allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back at least as strong as before. Rather than letting difficulties overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.
Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make a person resilient, such as:
a positive attitude
the ability to regulate emotions
the ability to view it as a form of helpful feedback
Trauma occurs when our biological systems are pushed past a threshold of tolerance and remain stuck in the survival strategies such as flight, fight or freeze. How is it that one person’s trauma can be overcome while another seemingly less traumatic experience is their demise?
These very questions led researchers, scientists, physicians and psychologists to the “understanding of resiliency.” Resiliency is defined by our ability to adjust to a changing environment. Our parents helped form our “core map”. That core map stays the same BUT we don’t live in the core map, our territory continues to change.
The response to trauma in the body comes from the mind. It is the meaning we give an event, not the event itself that creates a response. We will call it a “Memory.”
The Mind Body Connection -Our Brains Territory MAP
The Memory filters through the Brain to create our:
Beliefs
Values
Attitudes
Language
Decisions
Experiences
Physiology
We then assign Meaning through:
Language
Physiology
State/Emotions
The meaning we assign may be conscious or unconscious. It is best to understand it on a conscious level using words to translate the event/experience. The person with the most flexibility has the most catalyst for change. This then creates a Behavior Response through the experience of the event itself, the observation of that experience and then how we imagine that experience. We assign a tiny map in the brain that is now part of the larger territory map. All day we are creating tiny maps that contribute to our larger map.
Resilience directly relates to the breadth of our map.
The larger vocabulary and meaning we can assign to an experience will allow for more diversity, contributing to a larger territory to respond to. The client may change their territory, change their map or they may need to leave the map. Sometimes in leaving the map they can gain an understanding of their territory and their stressor.
The question becomes, can you adjust the meaning of your trauma/suffering?
“How am I processing the territory map?” The How is the meaning you give it. What did you say to yourself? Can you now make choices closer to your core values? Your mind-body map is helpful in understanding how patterns of tension form in your body’s tissue.
You can assist yourself and begin to work with your trauma by:
Effect change by noticing the meaning that you assigned to the event.
Become aware of the language you use to describe the event.
You are an empowered partner in your own healing journey.
The Story Under Tension Patterns
Tension patterns are often what motivate you to get a massage. They are bands of tightness. The Physical pattern where we continually or repeatedly hold tension in the body. At Peace of Mind Massage and Sacred Wellness we have Trauma Trained Massage Therapists that are aware that muscular and whole-body responses to an overwhelming event can remain stuck in a stress response or pattern of tensions in your body.
Occurrence of patterns:
once = the event
twice = noteworthy
three times = pattern
Patterns create the problem. The Problem may present to you as sleeplessness, nausea, tension, pain etc.
Working with your Emotional Release
Our practitioners are trained to support you in your own feeling and can assist you to back to health by acknowledging, accepting and supporting you just as you are. If you have the intention of working with your feelings during a massage session we will respond to your breath and movement and will assist you in releasing holding patterns. A large percentage of holding patterns in the body are because of emotional repression, emotional denial and emotional avoidance. So, when releasing a holding pattern we are also touching and supporting your emotional body.
Why Emotional Release Happens
Underneath most of our myofascial holding patterns is repressed emotional trauma. Now we have an understanding that our emotional trauma is held in the soft tissues of the body. The concept of tissue memory is fundamental to our understanding of the connection between bodywork and emotional trauma release. Cellular structure and the electrical energy body have the ability to retain memories.
How Emotional Release Manifests
Releasing emotions in sessions is supported by encountering areas of the body that are tight, where energy is blocked and fluid flow is restricted.
Basic rules to work with your emotions as they emerge so as to not create or reinforce a holding pattern.
Avoid:
Self Judgement – The most damaging to your self compassion.
Withdrawal – Can leave you feeling abandoned or isolated.
Avoidance – Pushes them deeper into the tissue and reinforces a pattern of tension.
Acknowledge:
Accept emotional expression – It is okay to have tears.
Integrate the experience: • Be present with your emotions as they arise • You do not need to do anything • Feelings are not harmful • Keep breathing • Feelings are not problems to be solved
Support for your Multidimensional Body
Wear protecting and supporting crystals and stones:
Amethyst is the stone of higher consciousness. If you are looking for connection, protection and more spiritual awareness. ◊ Smokey quartz is a powerful protective stone that clears and cleanses negative energy. ◊ Black obsidian is a very powerful protective stone. It repels negativity and disperses unloving thoughts.
Use Imagery: Imagery stimulates the right hemisphere of your brain. For example, you might imagine myself deeply rooted as a tree, Your attitudes and emotions are blowing through your leaves and branches but your tree remains rooted and standing.
Practice Meditation
Be present with a mind that is quiet and malleable: ·Achieving such a state of mind requires that we first develop the ability to regulate our body and speech so as to cause no conflict. To quiet the mind practice awareness of the whole body. Try to experience your breath as a single sensation sensing the body as a whole. Whole body awareness supports the singleness of mind.
Be Present In Awareness Itself
Your awareness should be distinct from the potential intensity of the emotion. Remember that the emotions are contained within awareness itself. Simply notice that awareness, and find the place within it that it is safe to explore your thoughts and emotions. Resting in awareness brings a beautiful sense of inner clarity and peace. As we individuals grow in our resilience, we become better at being present, aware, and conscious. If we can learn to live with an open heart, we will be able to remain strong in challenging conditions.
When we become aware that we are closing down, it is an opportunity to lift ourselves up. Herein lies the chance to reverse an old pattern that keeps us stuck in our trauma story, therefore stuck in a holding pattern within the body.
“We all start at different levels of unconsciousness, but wherever we are, we can always improve with practice” -Pema Chodron
Give us a call at 303-881-5533 to speak with our receptionists and find the trauma informed massage therapist who is right for you. Visit us 7 days a week, Saturday and Sundays 9-6pm and Monday through Friday 9-8pm at 1249 S. Pearl Street, Denver, CO 80210.
Add to Calendar:
The post Trauma: Understanding Resilience and the Mind-Body Connection from an Eastern vs Western Medicine Perspective appeared first on Peace of Mind Sacred Wellness.
via Peace of Mind Sacred Wellness
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Thelma
So...I just watched Thelma. First off, it’s a really good movie.
Secondly, if you have epilepsy or are triggered by flashing lights, don’t watch it. Really, SPOILER ALERT: they try to trigger a seizure live in the main character in the movie using flashing lights. It was unpleasant for me, a non-epileptic person. I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone who has epilepsy or something similar.
I feel like there are so many interpretations to this movie. So let’s get into all the layers.
Layer 1
On the surface it seems to be about a Christian girl who goes to college and falls in love with a girl. When this girl first sits next to her in class a bird separates itself from the flock, flies against the class window and dies. Oh, and it also triggers a seizure that keeps repeating itself any time she seems to feel stressed out or overwhelmed by some kind of emotion.
She tries smoking and drinking and kissing this girl and it’s clearly associated with sin. Which, personally, always annoys me when movies do that. Piling lesbianism in with smoking and drinking and being all, it’s the work of the devil. In this case there are snakes in her bed and coming out of her body. Excuse me while I roll my eyes.
She goes to a clinic that tests the origin of her seizures and the doctor comes to the conclusion that they’re non-epileptic and most likely caused by repressed trauma. Which makes me think her body basically goes into some kind of shock whenever she’s remembering traumatic memories. When something, an experience or a feeling, triggers a traumatic memory. This is going to be important for layer 2.
Anyway, it seems that every time Thelma has a seizure she can make something happen. She’ll get a hallucination that has some bearings on reality. And she can make people disappear, never to be seen again.
There are flashbacks in which it seems like Thelma had a baby brother when she was about 6. One she was jealous of, enough to make him disappear. First by hiding him underneath a couch which their father pulls him underneath of, but then by moving him underneath a frozen lake. The baby disappears when the mother leaves him alone in the bath for a minute and asks the father to watch him. Which he doesn’t seem to do. Mind you, at this moment 6 year old Thelma is sleeping and her father violently wakes her to ask her if she disappeared her baby brother and where to. He basically tells her “Say you did it.” and she says “No. I didn’t.” We also see a flashback of Thelma’s mother getting on a ledge to jump off of, indicating that’s how she ended up in a wheelchair. And that her father takes her out into the snow under the guise of hunting only to turn the shotgun on her when she’s not looking. Only to refrain from killing her.
When in the clinic, the doctor triggers a seizure that makes Thelma disappear the girl she loves. At this point she’s had seizures every time she’s thought about this girl, specifically sex with this girl. And once she got a seizure in the pool and almost drowned herself.
The doctor from the clinic pulls up her family’s records and tells her she has a grandmother with mental illness that was admitted to a mental hospital a few years ago. The nurse there tells her the woman believed she’d made her husband disappear off a boat. She also tells Thelma that her father was keeping this woman heavily drugged and wasn’t concerned that he was doing so.
When Thelma starts to think she made the girl she loves disappear she phones home in a panic and asks to come home. When she gets there her parents lace her tea with something. And from then on she’s locked up in her room and only let out to pray and for baths. Ones her father gives her. Mostly she’s kept in a drug induced state.
The mother says Thelma’s treatment isn’t working and basically suggests murder suicide for all of them. There is also the involvement of what looks like insulin that is drawn but not administered to anyone by the father. And Thelma often looks like she’s having night sweats.
While she’s asleep her father gets on a boat, sees Thelma standing on the shore and spontaneously combusts.
We see Thelma wake up and smile as we’re taken to Thelma’s phone that’s in a dresser, going off with a call from her girlfriend that had been missing and therefore stopped calling her and answering Thelma’s calls. We see Thelma leave her before locked room, go to the lake and get into the lake water to look for her dad and reappear in the pool water at her school where her girlfriend is waiting for her.
She then wakes up on the lake shore at her parents’ where she throws up a dead bird that then wakes up and flies away. We see her go home and heal her mother’s legs. After which she leaves and goes back to school, her mother shouting after her not to leave.
She comes back to the school where she meets up with her girlfriend. She’s basically now a reborn out and proud queer person that isn’t afraid to publicly compliment the woman she loves.
Layer 2
Trigger Warning: Rape/Sexual abuse
I think that Thelma is a sexual abuse survivor that has blocked out those memories. She tells the clinic doctor that her childhood wasn’t great but that she doesn’t remember much of it. And we physically see her basically block out a stressful situation. This is supposed to be her first seizure.
When the doctor asks if there’s a new boy in her life to trigger a seizure it stresses her out, making her think about the girl she likes.
Her first seizure in the movie is triggered by the girl sitting next to her and her reaction to it. I imagine that this girl is causing her to feel things she’s either never felt before and/or that she associates with painful memories. Triggering painful long forgotten memories resulting in seizures because her system can’t handle those memories flooding back all at once.
It’s probably some sexual awakening shit that brings back bad childhood memories associated with sex. On the surface you get the sense that she wants to sleep with this girl but that her religion/her beliefs are keeping her from giving in. The thing is that her reaction is way too violent to be just that. She literally goes into complete stress/panic attack mode any time this girl touches her. Full shaking hands, sweating, everything. That is the reaction of an abuse/rape survivor.
The father bathing a grown woman for no real reason is also an indicator. Not to mention that a baby is left alone in the bath and told to behave, which is irresponsible and makes me wonder if it was a baby at all or maybe 6 year old Thelma. The fact that the baby dies in the bath actually makes me wonder if Thelma had an actual baby brother at all or if its more about the loss of innocence. Thelma’s, that is. The first time the baby starts screaming its head of, then is suddenly silent. It has disappeared from its bed and then suddenly after a while reappears underneath the couch, still screaming its head of. Which could be Thelma running and hiding from her father the first time he tries to hurt her, retaining her innocence. The second time the baby disappears from the bath and ends up underneath the frozen lake. You know it can’t have survived. Which could signify Thelma’s no longer existing innocence. And/or her frozen, numb emotional state that thaws once she meets Anja, her girlfriend.
There are other things. The father sends her away but then she’s expected to call every night by a certain hour. Or else it’s a problem. She’s also supposed to report to him anything that “isn’t allowed”. She seems genuinely scared of her father. Bursting into tears when reporting to him that she had some alcohol with friends while thinking about the fact that she kissed the girl she likes.
There is also the suicide attempt by the mother after the baby dies and her subsequent immobility. Not to mention the fact that Thelma’s grandmother is immobile in bed in a mental hospital. And she supposedly disappeared her husband from a boat. And the fact that the first time Thelma and her girlfriend meet she’s having a seizure and peeing herself. And it leads to this woman asking her how she’s feeling the next time they meet. You get the impression at first that she may influencing this woman to fall for her and show up for her. That’s what her father tells her. But there are moments where she clearly doesn’t want to see her that she still shows up.
So I have my own theories about all of it.
First off, I think Thelma, her mother and her grandmother are most likely the same person. The mom represents the most mobile Thelma can be while on the strong meds. And the grandmother the least mobile.
I think it’s possible that Thelma also had diabetes and that the father withheld insulin from her, causing night sweats, hallucinations and seizures when her blood sugar got low.
He might have even put Thelma in a mental hospital so she wouldn’t out what he’d done to her. If she’s believed to be crazy or confused then nothing coming out of her mouth can be true or at least won’t be taken seriously. The nurse at the mental hospital tells Thelma the grandma’s meds are too strong. I think that the nurse might have taken down the dosage against doctor’s orders. Thelma’s father is a doctor. I also think that the nurse may be the woman Thelma falls in love with. Which may also be partly why she’s often present when Thelma has her seizures and she is the only one to ask how Thelma is doing after the first one we see. It would also explain how the girlfriend knows where Thelma lives at the college without having been told by Thelma. And how she shows up in the middle of the night when Thelma has a seizure.
This would also make the real setting a mental hospital, not a college. Thelma’s girlfriend is supposed to be studying Chemistry while Thelma studies Biology.
The movie starts with the bird dying I think because it’s Thelma’s past (self) resurfacing. The traumatized little girl she repressed. Triggered by her feelings for this girl.
Her almost drowning in the pool water is the result of the memories coming back all at once I believe and overwhelming her.
And her starting to swim both in the lake and the pool (going from inky black to light) only to end up on the lake shore and throw up a dead bird that comes back to life and flies away I think is Thelma reclaiming her life and sexuality. She’s made peace with her past. She’s no longer cripple and tied to a wheelchair and house filled with bad memories. She can walk again and start a real future.
I also think there’s a good chance she killed her father to gain her freedom, given she seems to have disappeared her father while the grandmother disappeared her husband. There’s also that the first run in we have with the snake seems to be it slithering over wrinkly, older skin only for Thelma to wake up from a night mare in her bed. Another indicator that Thelma and her grandmother are the same person. It is possible Thelma had a baby by her father that died. But if it did I think Thelma killed it in postpartum depression or the father killed it because it was proof of what he’d done. Hiding a live baby that keeps growing is a lot harder to hide than just a pregnant belly.
The only thing I don’t completely understand is the disappearance and reappearance of the girlfriend.
Did the father kill the girl for falling in love with his daughter and helping her? She did disappear from her apartment after doing laundry.
Does that mean that Thelma dies too and that’s how she’s reunited with her girlfriend? It would explain how she escaped a locked room. And why a dead bird leaves her body and comes back to life only to fly away.
The poster for the movie also reminds of the one for “The Silence of the Lambs” also coincidentally starring one of the most famous lesbians of all time, Jodie Foster.
Let’s compare:
(x)
(x)
The thing about “The Silence of the Lambs” was that it had two important angles to it. Both trauma themed.
The first was the trauma of Jodie Foster’s character Clarice Starling. And the second was the trauma of the killer.
Clarice once woke up in the middle of the night to the screaming of lambs, innocent, defenseless creatures, that were about to be slaughtered at the farm where she lived. She tried to save one, but failed. As a result she could still hear their screaming in her nightmares. Hence, The Silence of the Lambs. Because that’s what she was trying to achieve through her job, through saving as many victims as she could.
The other trauma was that of the killer. Abused as a child, leaving them with a negative self -image. a lot of self-hate. And making them want to change. As a result they placed rare pupa/caterpillars in their victims’ mouths, signifying what their victims were meant for. To facilitate that change from a man that hated himself into a women worth loving.
It stands to reason that Thelma then too is about abuse and change.
But yeah, that’s my analysis.
Also, again, really good movie.
4 notes
·
View notes
Photo
A little cute garter snake, making an interesting pattern, I think, on the sidewalk. It looks to me a little like a lasso. They often seem to make loops and figure eights and other swirly designs, out of all the snakes, many of whom just seem to curl up in a coil rather than make all these different patterns. The coachwhip snake also makes some very interesting shapes, maybe that is the reason for its name. Maybe the garter snake is in reference to the way it can make loop-like shapes, like a garter? I’m not sure.
Sometimes they make these patterns that make me think about the symbol of the snake eating its tail, isn’t that some kind of symbol for some new age (or ancient, which many new age things are ancient things that have been refashioned, to suit someone’s new ideas about them) thing, like ouroboros, I think . It has to do with death and renewal, I think, and the shadow or do I remember it wrong? And then figure 8, speaking of that, because I’ve seen snakes that were in figure eight shapes, but I didn’t get their pictures. Figure 8, infinity, or repeating patterns, a loop. It makes me think of being stuck in a loop and of catch-22 situations. Often what finally frees you out of the bind is that you can find a loophole, you can see outside the problem, from another mindset than the one which got you into the problem to start with.
Or sometimes you don’t even think you got yourself into the problem but you still have to see from another whole new mindset, anyway, because in some sense your mindset is actually connected and related to the problem at hand, whether it’s that your mindset is in itself unhealthy or just that you need to have such a totally new break in your patterns and when you do your world will be given such a fresh new outlook that you will start noticing things you never noticed, feeling things you never felt, and realizing what you never would have realized at all, even if it was hidden there in plain sight, even just something that might have been obvious and repeatedly given as advice that you kept refusing, because you didn’t see the value or even the possibility of it being real. Anyway, sometimes the only way out is through and you will not overcome a problem until you have been run through the mill, with the help of your life being turned upside down and inside out to make you search for and try and notice and feel totally new things, but it’s not all some quick clear fix, at all,... So that is what changed my life,... And you will not change till you have learned the hard way and been forced through slow suffering and lack to change tiny bit by bit over long pathetic times.
This kind of slow change and growth by going through things the hard way is oftentimes overlooked and shamed and punished. People, values, moral systems, and religions often seem to say that you can’t just go with the flow and learn slowly, and every time you fail you have to endlessly chastise and punish yourself and do all kinds of practices to try to fight your problems and change yourself and make up for your wrongdoing. I mean, sometimes that works. Sometimes I’ve seen that kind of approach work, for myself, for certain things, but often it doesn’t, hasn’t worked for me. Worse than not working, it made my problem worse than if I just let things go, and if I just was like go with the flow of it all, ...
Let sins change when they will, when I’m ready and able, when God deems it fit for grace and whatever needed changes in my life to be given, if indeed physical things keep me stuck in sin, then healing those physical things,... To just wait and go with the flow, and not fight and fixate and writhe in distress all the while while I’m waiting for my sinful state to change.
There was actually something I read, kind of like this, in a spiritual book in the path of Christianity, the branch I’m currently attracted to, so it was like saying, don’t fight sin, (or maybe it was saying don’t fight demons, or both, I can’t recall), but instead just turn to God, or else even perhaps not that but just do something productive or healthy, distract yourself. Fighting it can often make it worse, and send you into repression and send you into shame and make you avoid God because you feel you’re too tarnished he won’t want you anymore.
It’s not hard to see why people would feel like that when you look at some of the other writings of this branch of Christianity, and they say things like if you do this one single time you are worthy of Hell, and they say you should continually be living in fear and self-reproach and whatever, continually begging for forgiveness and despising yourself and your whole physical material life and your family and all things of this earth, ... at least that is how it seems to me, that some of them present it, if I’m remembering correctly. I don’t have the best of memory but still I have read a fair amount of things in this path, and I think I comprehended it and think I remember this accurately. And it’s so weird to me that they say, no, no, God is so compassionate, don’t get fixated on despair, but then other times they turn around and say you are to be completely wrapped up in the awareness of your total worthlessness and your regret and your fear of God and fear of Judgment Day, and things like that.
Anyway, there is this bind I feel I’m in when it comes to God,... And it is that I feel the morally right thing for me to do is try to heal my health problems, which are so dire and impact my health and mental health so much, and might threaten my future functioning too and maybe even lead to an early death, for all I could know, if thing went badly with it, which seems not that unlikely, and no I’m not just some kind of hypochondriac either, but it seems a realistic concern. So ok, then, but the problem is that I am so very cornered when it comes to my options of what I could even try to do, with my health. I am allergic or highly sensitive to so many things that I really don’t have much choice of what to do and so it also appears that even if I tried to escape my bind of my health issues, it could make it worse. I fear then it could even be that if I tried to make it better I might actually make it far worse and bring on an early death or severe illness. I don’t want to go into details about this, because it’s really too personal to want to explain, or need to explain on the internet, on some mostly anonymous blog, for that matter. I have no need to explain all the details here, and I don’t want to, because the point is just that I feel like by trying to make it better (my moral obligation to at least try), I might make it worse, and might die and then I might go to Hell for other reasons (yes, I still don’t really necessarily believe Hell or know how to make sense of it but of course in the path I’m drawn to almost everyone strongly believes in Hell), and I feel like I can’t get better and avoid Hell by being a better believer either, because I sincerely feel it would threaten my sanity to believe in what they demand I believe in order to get the get out hell free card.
So that brings me to Catch-22 number 2... I can’t go to church and do all their rituals, which they say will get you into Heaven, providing that you sincerely believe, repent, etc. I can’t do that because I am shattered in my ability to trust other people, and I’ve been horribly betrayed too many times to put my trust in the authority figures who are said to be the direct conduits of God, and are given so much power as well as so much secrecy so that if I don’t get on their good side, or if they act in ways that are horribly wrong and unfair or if they just terribly misunderstand me and treat me unkindly due to that, then I’m basically ousted from the church or else forced to try to fit into a whole system that revolves largely around that authority figure. And as for the rituals that aren’t directly based on the authority figure alone, well, even then, what if I don’t experience the supposed transformational, saving grace they say I will feel from them? Then what have I done to myself? I’ve put myself through a horrible, sad, hurtful rejection and exclusion experience, and basically shut myself out of the whole religious community I was hoping might be my salvation,... Why even try? There is only like one church around here I might go to, or maybe 2, farfetched possibly 3, but probably only one. And then, why put myself through more religious trauma just for all that? To feel farther from God, more damned in all their eyes, and with no other option. But if I told all these people this they would probably tell me I have to go to church and if I don’t then I’m accepting damnation.
But I know it sounds like madness and weirdness to someone who doesn’t buy into those beliefs and I myself can see how weird it sounds from that perspective. And I don’t fully believe it all (I don’t really clearly believe it at all), but if I am drawn to this path they place really high claims upon all that so if I reject it then what? And if I accept it I’m in this double-bind situation. But I don’t want to reject it because it promises such amazing things, that I still hold out hope. And for someone who has not experienced very strange mysterious spiritual graces that seem to have no logical explanation, it wouldn’t sound sensible for me to get hung up on this matter. But I have experienced the strangest of graces that totally changed me as a person, my mind, my heart, my life, my awareness, healed my body, healed my depression, and I experienced much of this before I was into this Christian path, on Hindu paths, and from spirits who weren’t from any religion. This Christian path has been like the cusp of my path so far, because in addition ot much of the rest of what I’ve found in other paths, which I’ve been able to maintain, I now have higher levels of character and moral development, and again it happened only due to some kind of mysterious grace. I wanted to be a better person, tried and tried, so much meditation, contemplation, practices, etc, but only the mysterious grace and energy of this path seems to have finally raised me higher in that way, and that is why I hold out hope that these other rituals will indeed be some kind of mysterious final piece of the puzzle to fall in place, but i just can’t bring myself to have the courage to try to reach out because of the catch-22 I feel myself in now.
0 notes
Text
Out of evil, much good has come to me. By keeping quiet, repressing nothing, remaining attentive, and by accepting reality - taking things as they are, and not as I wanted them to be - by doing all this, unusual knowledge has come to me, and unusual powers as well, such as I could never have imagined before.I always thought that when we accepted things they overpowered us in some way or other. This turns out not to be true at all, and it is only by accepting them that one can assume and attitude towards them. So now I intend to play the game of life, being receptive to whatever comes to me, good and bad, sun and shadow forever alternating, and, in this way, also accepting my own nature with its positive and negative sides. Thus everything becomes more alive to me. What a fool I was! How I tried to force everything to go according to way I thought it ought to. - An ex patient of C. G. Jung (Alchemical Studies, page 47)
I feel that this; "Taking things as they are, not as I wanted them to be... accepting my own nature” This articulates the great exhale of my life. Accepting reality. Not wishing for magic [god]. Accepting mortality. Not wishing for eternal life [heaven]) These two enlightenments have been the great relief of my life. Living is no longer a desperate clinging to what I think I "need” to be true in order to survive. Living is pure joy. I have a genuine, ardent fascination with what is known and unknown. I feel love, without rhyme or reason. --- As a child you don't know about social queues, you care less about what people think and you're more impulsive. You're most likely to act instinctively. When I was young one of the many classes my parents enrolled me in was Ballet, a prerequisite of which was to dress in a pink leotard with a pink tutu etc. pink, pink, pink because, we're girls right? My 4-6 year old self refused, and I proudly wore a blue tutu for the entirely of my ballet career, which may have only been a year.
Somewhere along the road to adulthood I learned about society, I was told what the rules were, I learned how to be self-conscious, try to fit in, to hide my body and it’s potential particularities. I learned about caring what other people think of me, in short - I became well versed in social anxiety and low self esteem and lost my individual spirit and carefree nature.
I have spent the past two years discovering all the ways in which this has manifested in my life, and working consciously to free myself from them one by one. That blue tutu is a proclamation of the rebel inside of me (inside each of us - we are all weird and different) and a reminder to my adult self to be more like that un-coordinated little girl in blue, twirling amidst a sea of pink. But who taught me how to manage my thoughts? Who taught me to differentiate between healthy, helpful thinking styles & unhealthy, unhelpful ones? Who taught my parents this? Why was this vital contributor to human flourishing left out of out societal construct? Education and modern society didn't fail, because they never even made the attempt. Out of fear I found religion and in religion I found fear, and this was a cycle I got myself stuck in for about 15 years. I had always considered myself to be a very ordinary girl. Aside from divorced parents and a mild emetophobia (for everyone who doesn’t know, that means fear of vomiting), I felt like I had been hit by the lucky stick in life - I was too young to remember my parents divorce, I was without a doubt spoilt by them both as a child - and spoilt and well liked by every other significant adult in my life.My parents always got along, in front of me anyway, and I ended up with four incredible parents as I see it.I’ve been positively showered with love from my immediate family, with the added bonus of, to this day, having five sets of living grandparents.
I never complained, I was your a-typical “good child”, I never talked back, I never took drugs, I never played up in school. This was partly because I never felt I had anything to complain about, but also because throughout my life I developed a strong desire to never be a burden to other people.
This desire was distinctly solidified when I was 16 going on 17, and my baby brother (six years old at the time) was diagnosed with a terminal illness called Muscular Dystrophy. I had never heard of such a thing. That was when the panic attacks started. In true “good child” fashion, my immediate reaction was to internalise, I did not want to cause any additional pain to my parents, so I tried to suppress my mental and physical reactions to this. I didn’t want to demand any more of their time or ever risk causing any additional worry to them. I remember the bouts of nausea accompanied by a pounding heart that I thought you must be able to see through my school blazer. I can remember concerned faces, but I don’t think they knew any better than me that it could be rooted in anxiety.
Christianity had been a vague, happy, social factor in my life for about 6 years at this point. I was intrigued by the magical ideas it represented and the friendly people it seemed to attract, whom I felt safe and loved around.My friends all went to church, I went socially - it fit my meek demeanour.
With the discovery of what Muscular Dystrophy was though, and the reality of it in my life, three major thoughts formed in my mind; GUILT / FEAR / WEAKNESS: (and/or helplessness) Why did this not happen to me instead of him? I remember feeling terribly constrained by my limiting human-ness, if I were a super-hero and could choose a super power, I could pull it out of you and put it into me (if the wretched thing MUST go somewhere). Why aren’t I smarter!? Why had I studied ART, of all the stupid, useless things, why hadn’t I been interested in science, why wasn’t I a better person - stronger/smarter. I wish I was brainy so that I could go out there and find a cure and fix the problem that had devastated my family.I created a very external mindset for myself at this crucial time of my life. I felt weak, in-capable and out of control.Bad things had happened to me and my family and I had absolutely no answers, no power to solve it and knew no ways to deal with these emotions.
Helplessness, victim mentality, and totally void of a bigger perspective, I turned to Christianity. Jesus offered everything that I yearned for; Peace, Joy, Freedom, but above all - HEALING. I threw myself into belief head first, clinging for dear life to the idea that “God can heal”, and, like a race-horse, put on blinders to anything that would threaten the truth of this idea. Vague questions would come to me throughout this time, “The Bible says that Homosexuality is wrong… but I don’t agree with that?”, “No.” I would tell myself, “Don’t even go there, you can’t risk acknowledging that the bible is wrong about that because if it’s wrong about that then, what else might it be wrong about? It could be wrong about healing.” So don’t think about it. I NEEDED this to be true, I NEEDED healing to be possible/true/attainable in order to go on with my life. It was my coping mechanism, and I suppose one day I might be grateful for it getting me through what it got me through at the time, however all I can see from my current perspective is how detrimental Christianity was to my self-esteem, to my strength as a person and to my mental health. Apart from this, religion offered consolation and comfort. togetherness, community, and after the existential crisis I undertook when Muscular Dystrophy entered my life, Christianity satisfied my yearning to understand why we exist, and why bad things happen. Throughout my 10-15 years as a Christian, I developed a dependancy on something other than myself.Christianity taught me that I was nothing and Jesus was everything, under the masquerade of “humility”, it undermined my self-sufficiency until it was virtually non-existent.Religious thinking made me a fearful, weak, distrustful, scared, external, unworthy version of myself. I actually found that in enabled me to be unforgiving, to hold grudges, to be unmotivated and to feel powerless.Waiting for Jesus to act is a great excuse to do nothing and still feel like you’re always right. I tithed, I prayed, I fasted and wished for healing of my brother, for personal protection from any sickness and pain and from death.In short, I spent years BROODING on fears of sickness, pain and death, which I deemed unbearable.Mortality was downright terrifying and I NEEDED God to save me from it. This fostered my fear and victim mentality, propelling my emetophobia to dangerous heights. This is a common phenomena when someone deals poorly with trauma, they feel out of control and so they desperately try to gain control over something. Sometimes this outworks itself as fear of heights or obessive compulsive disorder, for me, I guess I chose Emetophobia. They, and by they I mean the scientist and psychologists, describe Emetophiobia as an acute state of anxiety because you desire and strive to attain absolute control, but as intellectual beings who are subject to disease, we do know, deep down, that vomiting is not a thing that you can ever be totally in control of, and we therefore spiral ourselves into tighter and tighter knots. I wasn’t just controlling what I said, I was controlling what I thought “take captive everything thought and make it obedient to god” - I didn’t even let myself swear in my mind for a while there. It wasn’t until the day came that I actually became physically sick, and my phobia was pushed over the edge and I simply couldn’t get better by any medical or spiritual means, that started learning about mental health, that I realised just how much damage I had done to myself. I began to very practically work on ways to develop my self-esteem, to decrease my social anxiety and to nurture my internal sense of capability - and I tangibly saw and felt the positive impact of these -godless- things in my life. This was the beginning of a very difficult and painful battle in my brain. As I worked on my own personal resilience, and fostered my capabilities, the NEED that I had for a miraculous healing diminished. The need that I had, to feel protected from any form of sickness or pain, to be rescued from my mortality, started to evaporate.Once I stopped fetishising the idea of healing, suddenly every red flag that I had ever squashed like a whack-a-gator arcade game became something that I actually gave brain time to; God coming before human relationships, homosexuality being a sin, the innumerable biblical contradictions, the whole dinosaur thing (paleontology having been my first career dream, quashed by the unreconcilable differences between it and intelligent design, also by the deeply flawed education system, but that’s another can of worms altogether), the general ignorance of it all and the lack of intellect it fostered.The reason I had always pushed my curiosity under the rug is to do with fear, fear of facing my own awareness, laziness, feeling ill equipped, think someone is better for the job than you, not being smart enough, etc etc. either way it's a poor excuse. I’d finally acknowledged all the doubt and it was my duty to address it. It was a long year and a half process of addressing the red flags, trying to reconcile them with my world view, being afraid of how they challenged my worldview and how they would change life as I knew it, things like; I feel that faith should be an educated decision, not a blind one, but how can it be? How does one know that they have the right answer? How do you know that another theism (or atheism) doesn't have it right? The Son or the God? Some say they are definitely separate (Jesus is Son, offspring), some say they are one and the same (Col 2:9, the trinity) The Bible is a VERY subjective book. Every faith, every church in that faith, every person in that church can create their own interpretation. Who was Jesus? I have a problem with dogmatism, how can a human like me claim to have the absolute truth? What about the people who believe the opposite to you and also claim to have the absolute truth, are you claiming they’re less intelligent than you? What about people like Appeloneus of Tiana (a Greek philosopher who's claimed he had the powers to heal, raise dead and other miracles. Was persecuted by the Romans and was crucified like Jesus. Died on the cross, ascended to heaven and came back, appearing to his followers. He is said to have lived at the exact same time as Jesus. But with far less popularity.) Which is better, Medical treatment or prayer? If you think that prayer is only about praising god, then we can’t compare the two, but we can compare medical treatment with claimed of intercessory prayer (this type of prayer works at about the rate of chance - 50/50) if it only works at the rate of chance, then that’s not really a method... There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of telling my own brain to “shhh”, a lot of internal turmoil and a whole new array of fears and doubts. My world view was changing, my belief was evaporating and I couldn’t ignore it anymore - more over, I didn’t WANT to ignore it anymore. It took me a long time to work up the courage to tell my significant other what was going on inside my head, because I knew what Christianity says about Christians dating non-Christians, it’s a no-no. The old phrase “unequally yolked” popped up many times, it had been drilled into us, “God comes first, God comes before human relationships."As I had feared, I was told that if I wasn’t going to believe in god, then we couldn’t be together.To tell someone you love, who says they love you “Here I am, this is me” and be rejected because of that is no small thing - after all, I was still the same person, with the same personality, the same humour, taste in movies, love for coffee, books, baking, the same love for them.Yet I suddenly I had a fatal flaw, disbelief. This reaction definitely added to my assertion that the Christian laws of love are questionable to say the least. If you can choose to cause yourself pain by separating yourself from the person you love, then there is something deeply wrong and deeply/plainly religious about that. Either that or, his love for me simply wasn’t strong enough, and this was an easy way out, which I honestly lean towards.Now I just suppose that I became someone who he didn’t like, and there’s no blame in that. We just became incompatible. I’ve very glad, honestly, relieved to have become the person that I have, and I can’t wait to continue growing and changing and improving. So, there I was, rejected, my world view turned up on it’s head, not sure what I thought or who I was, and two days away from trip to America with three friends. All of whom were no-doubt felt slightly dejected by the idea of nursing a heartbroken girl in the middle of an existential crisis while on holiday in California. It was a blue and tearful first few days, and I boarded the plane alone at the crack of dawn, seated next to the very large mother of a very large family who couldn’t contain her very large arm inside her own seat/personal space. It took all my will power not to loop both my arms around her sizeable left bicep and nestle my head into her shoulder, but I didn’t. I took a sleeping pill and watched film after film after film and didn’t sleep a single wink. I can’t remember most of those 14 long hours, but I landed in LA feeling rough but exceptionally glad to be far away from home. As I stood waiting in the LAX pick-up zone, my face split into the first smile for days as Tess, Sharee and Amanda came careering into view, their mouths open wide in excitement and all their arms flailing out the windows of the white Land Rover in greeting.Beneath all the “You’re here!!! We’re all together!!! On Holiday!! In LA!!” Laughter and hugs, I knew there was an extra tightness in all their embraces, an extra decibel in all their excitement that said “We’re going to take care of you”, and I only loved them all the more for it. We drove straight to a hotel that we had been eyeing off from across the pacific, and ordered all manor of eggs, avocado, bacon, toast, hash browns and that bad black American coffee - the experience was complete.
I was surprised, as were they, to discover that, I was fine.I was more than fine, I was the life of the party. I couldn’t contain my laughter, I felt free and peaceful and joyful.The worst had happened, and now I could think what I wanted, learn what I wanted, be who I wanted, without fearing the loss of love, because I’d already lost it. There was no moment of “de-conversion”. It was a long process of de-constructing lots of small beliefs that I once held as sacred, and releasing the clutching grip of my need for them to be true. "Scared by compelled to follow my conscience and my reason where it would take me” Initially I felt like, even if god existed, god would understand my desire to search and go where my conscience led me. I didn’t want to be the type of christian who was scared of the monster int he corner, I wanted to confront it, I wanted to, as Paul says “Give a reason for the hope within”. As I reflected on my time as a Christian, I realised I had been selfish and narcissistic. I'd been 100% obsessed with protecting number one, protecting myself from the things that I feared; illness, loss, pain, judgement, humiliation - to name few. In promising freedom from these things, oddly, Christianity perpetuated their sustainment. It colluded with me, or rather, it allowed me to collude with myself in this festering cycle of self blame, hate and then justification. It told me, it's okay to have these problems, you're just a weak human and it's out of your control - wait for God. I couldn't argue out of that because I didn't WANT to be in control, I didn't WANT to take responsibility. I was lazy and afraid and didn't want to think about other problems in the world because if I let myself feel those things, then I would feel a ravaging desire to do something about it - and I didn't think I was capable. I didn't want to let myself feel because I was too afraid that to act, to feel judged, incapable, but most of all challenged in my fears. Over time, my humanity grew like grass. Newly fearless - or headed down that road - I left my dehydrated humanity out on the plain of society, open wide to the worries of the world, and it caught fire quicker than lighter fluid. Loosing your faith, and deciding to leave religion isn’t an easy path to take. As David Hayward (The Naked Pastor) puts it, “We find ourselves with all this physical evidence that a lot of the stuff we have been taught isn’t true. This is when a Christian realises that they might be an Atheist, and that is scary as hell. Pun intended.” The threat of loosing your community, friendships, world view and significant other all in one foul swoop is incredibly intimidating. Not thinking for myself though, was no longer an option, so I left.
I’ve been asked if I left because I was offended, or because I didn’t get healed of my illness, or freed from my fears, and I can’t express enough that this just isn’t how it played out.I left because I found answers elsewhere, that the church had never given me in 15 years of searching.I left because it didn’t encourage freedom of thought, and because of all the things it did discourage; equality, individuality, curiosity, self-esteem, self-reliance. When I first set out, I wanted to have the strongest faith that one could have.I reasoned that the only faith worth having, is one that can stand up against all other knowledge I could possibly attain. I didn’t want to be an ignorant Christian, I wanted to be one who had taken the time to investigate everything and decided that this god was the one true god. I thought also that if god is out there, surely this is the only kind of faith he would want, not blind faith. I started to question what Christianity said it was, if the bible is a reliable source of wisdom, I didn't know if there was a god. And what I found was that the Christian god didn’t hold up to my scrutiny, and I discovered that atheists are among the happiest, most loving, least prejudiced, most inclusive, most productive, inspiring, interesting, interested and enamoured people. I stumbled upon the term ‘Religious Moderate” and was appalled to realise that I had been the definition. “The problem that religious moderation poses for all of us is that it does not permit anything very critical to be said about religious literalism. We cannot say that fundamentalists are crazy, because they are merely practicing their freedom of belief; we cannot even say that they are mistaken in religious terms, because their knowledge of scripture is generally unrivalled. All we can say, as religious moderates, is that we don't like the personal and social costs that a full embrace of scripture imposes on us. This is not a new form of faith, or even a new species of scriptural exegesis; it is simply a capitulation to a variety of all-too-human interests that have nothing, in principle, to do with God.” - Sam Harris I am seriously interested and will spend the rest of my life reading, listening and learning about the universe. But my identity is no longer affected by the answer. I feel so comfortable in my own skin for the first time. I feel so certain of what I believe. So at ease, there is no mental battle over fighting belief or unbelief. Most of all I don’t feel ashamed of what I believe. As a Christian it was always quoted at me “Don’t be ashamed of the gospel you live for” but I was always ashamed. I never wanted to share it. Now I can see that that was simply my cognitive dissonance saying “You’re being told you should feel this way, but you don’t because, deep down you don’t believe that it’s true.”But now, I feel certain, and proud, and I want to share it with anyone who wants to hear it.Peace of mind - the deafening silence that comes when the battle between what you’ve been told you “should” or “need to” think and what you actually think is true, ceases. If the great exhale of my life was accepting things for the way they are, not the way I “want” or “need” them to be, then my first breath of life was I finally feeling sure of what I believe. And this is the third step, being public about it, not fearing the that presuppositions others held of me. The knots of my preverbial stomach loosening with each breath. I am finally free to be myself. To think what I want when I want and to change my mind at any point, my prerogative. So here it is; I am an Atheist. I simply don't believe that god exists. I don’t believe in Atheism, I accept that there is a great deal of evidence to suggest that intelligent design was not the culprit for the world around us. I make the assumption that the supernatural realm is not real, based upon the recognition that the existence of god has not been demonstrated, so I’m not going to rely upon god as a conclusion. I think the bible was written by stone-age fisherman who were trying to figure out the world, I think it was their first attempt at philosophy, psychology, education, government and controlling the masses. I see the Bible is a unique historic attempt at that, which is commendable, but that is all. I would now describe myself as a Secular Humanist, the goal of which is is human flourishing. “Finding out what is in humanity's best interests based of the facts of reality, and what methods are most likely to lead us to the best understanding of what is in our best interests.“We recognise that there are things that we have learned thought the entirety of human civilisation about what works and what doesn’t, about advancing ideas of individual autonomy, fairness, equality, opportunity, tolerance, liberty, peace and co-operation. All goals discovered over the course of human experience and they seem, by all measures, to increase human flourishing.” Or, to use Matt Dillahunty’s simplified definition; “Let’s strive to find better ways to do better. We seem to be stuck here on this rock in space interacting with each other, in a world where we need to make decisions, and while there are plenty of people that say their god is giving them the answer, we don’t have any good reason to think that’s the case. So let’s set those gods aside until they’re demonstrated, and try to work things out for ourselves.”
Congratulations for making it to the end.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Reviews for the End of the World
I wrote this piece for a practicum I was a part of in college. Still pretty recent, still pretty relevant.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the end of the world. Maybe it’s because in multiple classes I’m in this semester we have been discussing zombie novels and climate change. Maybe it’s because I’ll be going to Los Angeles soon and I’m pretty sure that North Korea is going to nuke it. Maybe it’s because I’m graduating from college in a month and have no idea what I’m doing next. Whatever it is, I’ve found that the best way to feed my fears is to read dystopian literature, and these have been great for reminding me that there is very little hope for the future. According to my literary research, the world is going to end in one of three ways (or through a combination of the three): widespread plague (zombie kind included), environmental destruction, and/or total political collapse. So I guess the thing here is, pick your poison. Humans seem to be to blame for the end of the world any way you slice it.
I have to say, I love zombie stories. Yes, it got really annoying when a few years ago literally everything had to do with zombies (which is the context for when this first novel was published), but that trend has kind of died down now, and I can get behind it again. There’s something comfortingly ridiculous about zombies, like they’re scary, but completely unrealistic. No way the world is going to end in a zombie apocalypse. Plus, all that talk of plague kind of makes it feel like it’s not the fault of humans; it’s “nature… correcting an imbalance… comeuppance for a flatlined culture,” as the Lieutenant says in Colson Whitehead’s Zone One. And in a way this is true, but Whitehead’s novel does not shy away from the idea that humans are getting what’s coming to them; after all, it is their dead, sleepy culture, transfixed by technology, that has lulled them into a false sense of security. Whitehead also makes an effort to point out the environmental damage that was occurring in the world before the zombie apocalypse broke out. Clearly, something (many things) should have been done to prevent this. Yet if the zombie apocalypse had not occurred, our protagonist, Mark Spitz, would not be the main character of anyone’s story. Mark Spitz is the most average man on the planet, according to even himself. He does nothing out of the ordinary, never pushes himself to excel or lets himself completely fail; he is, as he says, a solid B in everything. But his ability to adjust to his environment, to allow himself to blend in and do what must be done, is what allows him to survive among the undead, and frankly, it is in this environment that he thrives, never seeming to be anything special but always able to survive.
First he survives the Last Night, when the virus that turns humans to zombies broke out for real. He then makes his way to New York City, the place he’d always wanted to live before the outbreak, and it is here that he finds some semblance of civilization. Mark Spitz, along with his unit, is assigned the task of clearing out Zone One (Manhattan) of remaining zombies (“skels”) that were not killed by an initial sweep conducted by the military, as well as stragglers, zombies that are fixed to certain spots that were important to them in their lives before—unmoving, unresponsive, slowly decaying corpses. Whitehead’s version of zombies is uniquely compelling, in the way the disorienting timeline, shifting fluidly from past to present, is presented and in its provoking portrayal of the human condition after the world has experienced such trauma, such as the exploration of “Post-Apocalyptic Stress Disorder” (PASD) and whether or not racism will exist if the world ever reconstructs itself (hint: it’s suggested that it unfortunately probably will). I have no delusion that I would make it very far in a zombie apocalypse, but Whitehead’s vision of the future world is interesting and thrilling enough that I would almost want to live in it for a moment. Almost, but not really.
In a slightly more realist vein, Octavia Butler’s classic Parable of the Sower looks at Los Angeles in the 2020s, when America has fallen to environmental and economic disaster. Lauren Olamina, a preacher’s daughter, lives just outside of Los Angeles in a small, gated community that is not wealthy but provides adequate protection. Predicting that the world she knows in her gated community will soon come crashing down, Lauren prepares herself for when she might need to flee north, where it is rumored there are still jobs and plentiful water. Described in crazy close detail through Lauren’s journal entries, her vigilance proves to be warranted as pyromaniac drug addicts storm her community and kill her family and friends. Lauren then journeys north with little more than the baggage of her loss and grief and the company of two friends from her old life, growing into a group of survivors she picks up along the way. Butler’s tale seems to weave in a little of everything: religion, politics, race, gender, class. Through Lauren’s honest and straightforward narrative voice, Butler creates an America that is entirely new yet somehow all too familiar, and Lauren’s ultimate goal in creating a community around a religion she has shaped, Earthseed, in incredibly inventive. To start each chapter, Butler includes a quote from the parables Lauren has created for Earthseed:
“God is Power—
Infinite,
Irresistible,
Inexorable,
Indifferent,
And yet, God is Pliable—
Trickster,
Teacher,
Chaos,
Clay.
God exists to be shaped.
God is Change.”
Heavy stuff from a girl who is only fifteen when the novel starts. Lauren is the kind of person you want on your side during the apocalypse, and she also knows how to write a good parable for her audience of ragtag survivalists. Butler’s skill at placing herself in this future where “God is Change” is truly astonishing.
Here is the kind of novel that scares me the most in its horrifically exact detail. Though I somewhat doubt that America will end up in the state that this novel describes within the next ten years, fifty years from now does not seem unrealistic, especially considering that this book was published in 1993, looking thirty years into the future. The environmental disaster described in Parable of the Sower is all too frightening for someone who lives in Los Angeles and recognizes the accuracy of the problems in the novel relating to fire and lack of water. I find the end of this book to be somewhat more hopeful than other dystopian novels I’ve read (no spoilers), and I think that a lot of this has to do with Lauren’s insistence on building a community; this is a somewhat strange community based on Earthseed, but the book does seem to point to the idea that even when the world is ending, there will be people who will try to keep human warmth and contact a priority. I found Parable of the Sower interesting also in its depiction of the government and corporations. The government here hasn’t completely fallen, but corporations have basically been given free reign, and Lauren and her band of followers ponder on the idea that these corporations seem to be bringing back a new form of slavery, one not totally based on race like in America’s early history but still closely linked, an idea that seriously occupies the mind of Lauren, who is black.
A great predecessor of the previous two books, Margaret Atwood’s 1985 book, The Handmaid’s Tale, also deals with religion, gender, and class, though in many different ways and on the opposite coast. If race is the dominant issue for Butler (which I’m not necessarily saying it is), gender will be the main concern in the future according to Atwood. In The Handmaid’s Tale, we have finally arrived at a dystopia where the government has truly fallen, and it is women who suffer under a new regime. Environmental destruction plays out in the background of this novel; because of pollution and toxic waste, fertility rates have dropped drastically in the world, and women who have been arrested or declared sterile can be shipped off to the ecological wastelands of the Colonies for the rest of their lives. However, it is in the continental United States that the action is occurring. After years of sexual liberation and feminist movements, men feel as if they have no purpose in life anymore, as they have no one to protect or take care of—there was a pandemic “inability to feel” for men in the old days. A governmental coup is arranged, and the Republic of Gilead is born. In this society, women are not allowed to read or to go out on their own except on specified occasions, such as shopping trips. The novel’s protagonist is Offred, who becomes a Handmaid, women who are basically concubines for high-ranking officials in the government. Once a month, Offred must have sex with the Commander that she lives with while his wife, Serena Joy, is in the bed with them. Offred’s sole job is to produce an heir for the Commander, but in this age of drastically decreased fertility, it is a risky job to hold.
In Atwood’s rendering, this future totalitarian state is icky and repressive and deservedly a rallying cry in feminist literature. I read an interview by Atwood once that said that everything that happens in The Handmaid’s Tale was taken from stories around the world of events that have already happened before (i.e. Puritans, Communist Romania, etc.), and this presents another terrifying way that the world as we know it could fall. Everything that we thought could never happen in a country like the United States (in its technologically advanced, democratic civilization or whatever) could very well happen. And if it’s a world where women are completely subjugated and not even allowed to read, this is the world of my nightmares. Atwood’s book again gives at least a somewhat hopeful ending, firstly by including an epilogue and secondly just in Offred’s act of recording her story, or, more precisely, in that she “would like to believe this is a story [she’s] telling” because “if it’s a story [she’s] telling, then [she has] control over the ending. Then there will be an ending, to the story, and real life will come after it.” I think that this novel then offers the greatest hope of the three for possible human redemption, seeing as there could be an “after,” but how well humans can redeem themselves is still questionable.
Whitehead is clearly working under the lineage of Butler and Atwood, building his own vision from the legacies they left. Nearly thirty years separates The Handmaid’s Tale and Zone One, but writers are obviously still not done thinking that the end of life as we know it is fairly eminent. And as someone who has just spent the last eight months writing my own dystopian-esque thesis/novella, the questions and themes relevant to these works have been on my mind a lot, adding to the list of reasons why I’ve recently been so interested in apocalyptic literature. Honestly, I basically wrote a dystopian piece in response to the astonishment and horror I felt at the 2016 US Presidential election of Donald Trump. And arguably, Spitz, Butler, and Atwood are not just fantastically writing about the future either; we respond to our current situation by predicting how contemporary events will play out into the future, and sometimes, as especially is the case of Atwood and Butler, we look to the past to find patterns for what lies ahead. This presents a pretty disheartening view of writers’ outlooks on the present state of the world; if we use the present and the past as our models of zombie- and authoritarian-filled futures, there seems little hope that humans will magically change their ways anytime soon. But I guess that’s what makes these books so powerful and so gripping in our imaginations; at first glance they may seem far-fetched, even absurd, but by following the stories of these individuals who have survived and are sharing their intimate secrets with us, we pick up on little details that seem all too familiar to our lives and our current world, and suddenly we are face to face with the idea that, oh god, we kind of believe this could happen to us, too.
#colson whitehead#zone one#octavia butler#the parable of the sower#margaret atwood#the handmaid's tale#apocalypse#end of the world#book review#literature#2016 election#mjbookreviews#books#fiction#literary fiction#science fiction#genre#offred#lauren olamina#mark spitz#college#los angeles#authors
1 note
·
View note