#its crazy how much a diagnosis can change things

[stargirlbryce]

Today my mom apologized to me because she underestimated the amount of pain I was actually in and told me she wished she took it more seriously...God is real

[pears-trinkets]

.

[jorisjurgen]

World of Twelve dashboard simulator #2

👁️ katarynadance follow

Freaks may say i want to fuck antonio sadisski from the bontarian boufbowl Love Arrow team. I'm freaks. I mean im freaks. I mean im freaks.

🌌 somethingquietplace

I wouldn't go that far, but NGL, I don't know how one might not develop an affinity for him... Very charming man! He might be the second greatest player after Khan.

Then again, my opinion on who the second greatest player is changes all the time, haha.

🌸 sadidaskickshoe follow

Ehh khan's been dead for centuries....! Let it go. I think he's cool, but thinking nobody will ever be better is crazy...

🌌 somethingquietplace

He developed most of the techniques still used to this day, just so you know. Visit a museum perhaps. It might be helpful?

🎃 sacriblo0ody follow

average khan fan showing how much criticism of his favourite misogynyst he can withstand.

🌌 somethingquietplace

And you're an average 16 year old child with Very Important Opinions trying to educate me nicely.

🧀 cheesefuckersupreme follow

Seeing somethingquietplace and sadidaskickshoe on the same post is kind of terrifying.

#worlds most toxic crossover? #20 callout posts gang real?

(1,582 notes)

🧀 cheesefuckersupreme follow

Guys they both blocked me ASFHFKDKGJSJ

Do i get a boufbowl fandom badge of honor now????? Did i make it in life?????

🦠 gorebludsac follow

I don't think it's a nice way to post, considering one of them is like neurodivergent and a minor, and the other is tumblr user somethingquietplace (diagnosis self explanatory)

🧀 cheesefuckersupreme follow

I'm sorry yeah i forgot that they're both diagnosed.

#ngl i feel bad kinda for both of them

(34 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

.

I hate adventuring with other people. Just being there and knowing I'll never be their friend. I want to say something, be in the conversation, but I never know what to say, and everyone already knows each other and

Well even when they don't yet know each other, obviously they'll prefer anyone else over me. They'll give up on trying to talk to me.

It's so weird... I hate everyone. Everyone has stupid interests and tastes. Just braindead things. Romance and fucking and fashion. And all of them have normal lives and normal families and once in a while they ask something about mine and I don't know what to say at all. And I want to be liked. Even if I have zero respect for anyone I want to like me. Is it weird?

I guess I'm just sad because I don't have that innate talent to pretend like I care about other people. Or maybe I wish someone actually liked me besides my family.

#delete later #...I really like this ''forbid others from reblogging a post'' function they added recently #When my dad dies I think I will finally kill myself I guess. #not osu #Honestly I can't tolerate anyone at my work. I hate them all and want them dead. #And I can't tolerate anyone close to my age. #They all insult me. Constantly. You know. #So the only people who like me are my family. #Its neverending. I can't take it anymore. #I think me only liking my family might be a self fulfilling prophecy but i don't care. #or so I think.

(2 notes)

🌸 sadidaskickshoe follow

people who post about their family issues on here are weird.... My brother isn't here but just the idea of him seeing anything on my phone makes me so scared to write anything!! 😵‍💫

#temp

(1 note)

🌌 somethingquietplace

I wish people would refrain from obvious vagueblogging about my deleted posts.

#delete later #not osu

(284 notes)

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

people who stalk other peoples blogs are so weird!! I think it's easier to follow one another. Because this is getting embarrassing for us both XD

🌌 somethingquietplace

Ok.

#Mostly I am following you because you said you liked Khan Karkass. #Even if you don't have good opinions (ones I agree with) on him.

(1243 notes)

🦠 gorebludsac follow

A second mad xelor explosive machine has hit the tumblr boufbowl fandom

#those.two.... are mutuals now. #i canrt stop laughing there are tears rolling down my face #remember when kickshoe told me in explicit detail how she wanted me to kill myself #or how quiet typed out whole 40 paragraphs of threats #and ended that post with ''youre wasting my time away from work'' as if hes not termianlly online too #this is historical for me and nobody else

(46 notes)

🪰 maldemal follow

She throw dice on my tabletop til i eacflipcity

🕳️ eviltreeman follow

Collect my Thirsty Branches

(459 notes)

🎭 syxxxxxaenika follow

Bruh someone tried to kill the prince again and missed. How the fuck does a fifth assassin in a row fail at killing the prince of brakmar!!!! I can't live in this stupid country anymore

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

Even if things suck i dont think killing royals is the answer..... 😰

(109 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

Was in a store recently. The prices were disgusting, and the worst of all, the Ministry of Moral Purity wants to propose a tax for being negative about the government... Are we in Brakmar now? Is this Brakmar we're in?

I have something very taxable to say but shall refrain.

🎭 syxxxxxaenika follow

Bontarians when something bontarian happens bontarianly in bonta: is this fucking brakmar

unlike you, I have the free speech to wish death on our royalty. I can say freely that I hope the prince of brakmar kills himself.

🌌 somethingquietplace

It's literally so easy to hate you even besides the holier than thou attitude... Your city has lava. Would a good place to live with good people have lava. Would a good place with good people have invented something called "the Brakmarian burial"?

🎭 syxxxxxaenika follow

You can't be saying that white-blue boy

#WHERE DID A RANDOM BONTARIAN LEARN A 500 YEAR OLD GANG TERM FOR BODY DISPOSAL?? #WHAT???

(24295 notes)

🪄 pantypervert69 follow

CALLOUT POST:

@/xellymelly has been selling re-bought goods from The Mad Xelor. Do NOT buy from her. Not only are they dangerous, they are also wildly past their expiration date. DO NOT USE ANYTHING YOU BOUGHT FROM HER. IT WILL KILL YOU.

🌌 somethingquietplace

If you have items made by The Mad Xelor, Kerubim Crepin from Bonta's Aux Tresors de Kerubim shop has a recycling program for all victims of this scam. He even gives out rewards for all the items you bring in.

I implore you to consider taking the things you bought to him, and making the world a safer place. (And "★bring some magic to your life★")

#not osu #I can personally vouch for this store's quality. It's very well known among some circles around here.

(4838 notes)

🚬 pigpigeazer follow

Everyone always jokes about the bad parts of classes but nobody ever talks about how generous the pandawa are, how honest iops are, how lively ecaflips are, and how empathetic sacriers are

🎃 sacriblo0ody follow

literally im always saying that!

🤖 athefogenesis follow

Except it always comes at the expense of mentioning that their religion makes them ignorant, addicts, or drives them to self harm?? We need to bully people who are hardcore about class tenets harder. You're destroying yourself for some all powerful reality-warping creature that doesnt give a shit about you

🤹 lancerclown420 follow

People like you give us atheist classes such a bad name. Everyone and everything in the world has a purpose, both those who follow a deity, and those who follow a primciple and

Actually they're a sufokian supremacist so nvmmmm

🧙 hupperschlongartor follow

THE NOTES ARE A FREE BLOCKLIST 💀

(637 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

.

#not osu #delete later #the thing is that. I never stopped hating him for ruining my life. #But the amount of hatred i feel ebbs and flows. Does it make sense? #This is stupid. So stupid... Like #oh nooo papycha... you neglected me as a child to the point of incurable mental diseases... #They would be better off if I was dead honestly #i need me and my dad to die. #I need everyone to die actually

(2 notes)

🦞 foggerfish follow

Apparently there's a big thing going on in demigod history community because Goultard (you know, the 4847372882843 or whatever year old son of Iop) undied again and was spotted somewhere around Astrubian border.

👽 cvt3-r41nb0w follow

MY WEDDING IS BACK ON NOBODY WILL HOLD ME BACK. He already married witches i can be the fourth

🗣️ thedarkwitchfromthatbook-is-gay follow

Isn't he gay

😈 osawhip666 follow

isn't he a mass murderer

🌌 somethingquietplace

Finally a reason to kill myself?

#I have to work with demigods a lot so... #Wish me luck in avoiding him like plague? #I had horrible experiences with him in the past #but talking about it would definitely lead someone to finding out who I am so... #I hope he kills himself and it sticks for once.

(447 notes)

🪐 8lunarcoeur8 follow

Heyyy

I wish people would stop rb'ing quiet's boufbowl gifsets considering the fact hes racist, misogynist, a freak, a bonta apologist (goes with the racism), has a fucking Maid, and likes some really weird things.

At least kickshoe has the excuse of being like a teen but this fucking guy is just something else.

🧙 hupperschlongartor follow

whatd he do? 🥺

🪐 8lunarcoeur8 follow

Says weird things about brakmar (x, x, x, x, x, x, x, and mooooore), is a freak (x, x), and a misogynist (x, x, x) (STOP STANNING KHAN KARKASS) also he's weird about huppermages and self described his class as an antihuppermage and even though it was like 200 years ago hes a wholeass immortal man and also is Still a weirdo about ecaflips.

(385 notes)

🌌 somethingquietplace

RE: the newest cancellation

I don't care about your feelings and I have nothing to apologize for.

#not osu

(1842 notes)

🦴 skellythievin follow

Not me honoring sram by stealing bones from the graveyard 😭

🦴 ougigou-woof-woof follow

LEGENDARY POST

#WHY DO I HAVE THE SAME PFP AS THE BONE STEALING SRAM

(59227 notes)

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

Yaaa antonio sadisski won as always!! They should put sadidas like him in the hall of heroes for our country ᕙ⁠ ⁠(⁠°⁠ ⁠~⁠ ⁠°⁠ ⁠~⁠)

👯 mirarynnnw follow

He sucks

🌸 sadidaskickshoe

Hi kill yourself :) /gen

#i was banned from using my phone but ill risk it all again to say that nobody will miss you!

(12 notes)

[livseses]

Idk, there's something that always bugs us about the statement "endos claiming to have DID/OSDD-1" instead of something like "DID/OSDD-1 systems who are endogenic" or "endogenic systems with DID/OSDD-1".

Okay I lied, I do know. It's the "claim" part. It's always that the hypothetical system is endogenic first and foremost. It's always a given. That goes without question (okay it's definitely questioned but I'll get back to that).

But they only claim to have DID/OSDD-1. When this phrasing is trotted out its never a given that the system has DID/OSDD-1. It's never believed that a system can exist prior to developing a dissociative disorder. Or that a system with a dissociative disorder can discover or recognize how they came to be and not ascribe that to trauma. It implies that the system doesn't have the disorder that they have.

And that framing is really unfair.

Wouldn't it be shitty if we did the same thing elsewhere? If someone said "this adult who claims to be autistic"? Or "this woman who claims to be a lesbian"? Or "this non-binary person who claims to be trans"? Or "this traumagenic system that claims to have DID/OSDD-1"?

We've seen all of those tossed around for the same reason. That last one is said (not in those words of course) by folks I think most of us would generally agree are being shitty. It's said by people who will fakeclaim any system for any reason. It's said by those that will fakeclaim a system for being queer or online. That's really bad company to have.

The usual response we see in defense of endogenic systems is "Most endogenic systems don't claim to have DID/OOSDD-1." Which is true, yes! We can't help but feel like that's talking about this on the fakeclaimer's terms though. We aren't asking folks to change how they respond of course, because we don't really know a better way to reject the accusation.

But those endogenic systems with DID/OSDD-1 aren't simply "claiming" to have DID/OSDD-1 any more than traumagenic systems are "claiming" to. They just have those disorders and are sharing that information about themselves.

While "endos are claiming to have DID/OSDD-1" puts the endogenic part first, implicitly leaving the diagnosis up for questioning, there is a flip side (see, I'm getting back to it).

To compliment the above, fakeclaimers will say that disordered endogenic systems just really don't know about their trauma; essentially that these DID/OSDD-1 systems are just claiming to be endogenic. Of course, we don't see it phrased that way. It's usually trying to be nicer. These poor misguided systems were tricked into thinking that they're endogenic. Or these foolish systems don't really know their origin. Or these crazy systems can't be trusted with their own experiences, cause that's what DID/OSDD-1 does to you.

It's patronizing. It's invalidating. It's disrespectful. It's sanism. It is opposed to disability rights and mad liberation. It speaks over DID/OSDD-1 systems.

These two claims compliment each other. They both feed into the idea that plurality (or at least DID/OSDD-1) can only exist for traumagenic systems. Anyone who disputes that with their lived experiences are either malicious fakers doing some stolen valor shit and invading spaces, or poor "real" systems that are just manipulated/ignorant/crazy.

Huh? That sounds familiar. Reminds me of attacks on trans folk that paint us as dangerous predatory invaders or poor deluded children falling for peer pressure... I would say it's strange or surprising, but we've gotten pretty used to attacks on systems having analogues in transphobia.

Anyways, endogenic systems aren't "claiming" to have DID/OSDD-1. Most endogenic systems don't have DID/OSDD-1, and they never said they do. Some endogenic systems do have DID/OSDD-1, and they share that part of their lives. Some DID/OSDD-1 systems are endogenic, and they have just as much right and ability to determine what caused their system to form and talk about it as any other system.

-Faye

[creature-wizard]

https://www.tumblr.com/creature-wizard/749781222791790592/it-only-took-me-a-few-minutes-of-searching-to-find?source=share

and it’s so crazy because you really never think that it could be YOU that falls for this type of stuff.

Like when I was younger (like 10), this stuff would’ve seemed stupid, but when I was 12 years old I started reading law of attraction stuff and later delved into law of assumption stuff when I was 15 because I was suffering HORRIBLE abuse and I just needed SOMETHING to give me a semblance of hope. It was really difficult to recover from that assumption cult (even led to an ocd diagnosis because I was having major intrusive thoughts about the existential crisis I was experiencing as well as other things) and now that I’m in a good place mentally, it blows my MIND to read the shit that I used to believe in. “Remove all logic, reprogram the mind, revise your past, etc” it’s all so nonsensical, but I genuinely believed it. This shit makes you think that YOU are GOD and that you can CONTROL PEOPLE. ITS A MINDFUCK.

I only realised after 2 years of manifesting for my abusers to stop, that I actually was still in the same place that I was when I was 15 and that nothing had changed. When I first attempted to remove myself from the LOA way of thinking and the manifestation beliefs, I couldn’t even read anything motivational such as “you’re only limited by yourself” or “you can do whatever you set your mind to” and all the motivational shit that normal people (those don’t believe in the manifestation shit) say in passing because it was triggering for me.

I couldn’t even have conversations about religion, philosophy, the concept of a god, gods, or nothing, I was terrified of even affirming to myself that I could do certain things or that I am capable of doing things because just the idea of saying “I am…” made me think of manifestation and LOA. Just thinking about believing in myself was triggering. Just thinking about the purpose of the subconscious mind was scary because I was so damaged mentally by that new age shit.

Sure, what I’m saying sounds fucking crazy, but the point is that it’s really easy for even the most logical person you know to fall into shit like this. Thats how so many people become trump supporters or qanon people.

I’ve gotten to a point in which reading stuff about LOA and engaging in the shit that I mentioned earlier doesn’t bother me much anymore, but it took lots of work and effort to build up my mental health again.

I swear, when you’re down in the dumps, shit that usually is too good to be true, seems like the truest thing in the world in those moments.

Yep, exactly! When you're really desperate, you'll grab at anything that looks like it'll give you an out and cling to it with all you've got. I'm glad you got out, anon. 💜

For anyone reading this: If you are leaving or questioning the Law of Assumption and need help, please see this post.

[suzieb-fit]

Had a late snack yesterday. But it's a bit stupid. It's like I made myself do it, lol. I could have quite happily started my timer after dinner, as usual.

No matter how much I try change things to pull away from my long standing issues with eating, I now recognise that I'm just swapping one disordered eating behaviour for another.

That all started after my type one diabetes diagnosis at age 14.

Now that's a whole essay on its own, so I'm not going to get going on that one this morning 😂.

I do occasionally simply want an evening snack, and I can justify it easily because of my lifestyle, etc.

That's fine. But eating for the sake of it to prove just how "free and in control" I am? Well that's just ridiculous. And obviously proves exactly the opposite!

So anyway, back to today.

I got up late. Just didn't want to move! But I did. I made my protein decaff (pre-blended my milk and whey powder last night. Shaking it up in the sealed cup just doesn't cut it, lol).

Lovely and bright out there. I also went against all the sleep hygiene "experts" and left my curtains open last night. Wanted the sunrise to fill my environment before even getting out of bed. And it didn't affect my sleep at all. If anything, I actually slept longer before waking up for the first time. And that was around 4am, when the sun was starting to rise. That tells you something, I guess!

So I call my protein decaff my "pre-breakfast". Just made that up. Yes, I'm breaking my fast, but my real breakfast is back at home. My beloved nuts and collagen coffee.

My blood sugar is still way too high. Ridiculously so this morning, actually.

Just when I thought this insulin pump system was doing a better job. Nope.

I decided to get a high intensity workout in before lunch.

More work for my lower body, and definitely work for my cardiovascular health!

I am once again rethinking my nutrition.

Back to highest percentage of calories from fat, a lower (but still pretty high) percentage of protein and lowest of all for carbs.

My goal breakdown is 55% fat, 35% protein, 10% carbs.

But I'm not going to obsessively tweak, adjust or drive myself crazy by trying to hit those numbers too strictly.

Yes, I personally feel better tracking my food. That's one of my habits that helps that relationship with food. It's how I keep control.

Forever an ongoing work in progress!

So that meant cheese with my lunch again. It's been a while!

Plus sardines are already high in (healthy) fats.

Tiny scrap of greenery to throw in a few beneficial polyphenols.

And hard boiled egg. Eggs are fantastic!

It's interesting to see the difference exercise makes to my food diary.

That whole "calories in/calories out" principle is pretty much just theory. And a very feeble one at that. I only take notice of what I'm eating. Focusing on macro quantity AND quality. But yep, still interesting to look at the comparisons on the app on the rare occasion.

I knew I needed some yoga. My back isn't happy. The homeopath asked me lots of questions about that today. Everything seems pretty "high end" in terns of all my health concerns right now.

She is going to try yet another new remedy. This will ge the fourth attempt.

But hey, I guess that's partly what I'm paying her for. To find something that actually works!

So an average day in general. Not great, not terrible. That's good enough for me.

Gotta keep fighting, moving and smiling 👍

[not-a-cheese-thief]

The new trailer for Ted Lasso season 3 and all the speculation that goes with it about who may or may not end up coming out (or just being queer) has me going kind of crazy. I’ve been on this hell-site for so many years on and off, I’ve seen all the queer baiting, all the desperate hoping and tricking yourself into the belief that this little thing might be a sign. I hyper-fixate on shows, especially on the queer-coded characters, and I long for good queer representation. I’ve been through all of this longing and hoping before, and I’m just getting so sick of it.

Whenever I talk to a het person about Ted Lasso and its lack of any queer characters, they either say “there’s not any yet, there’s another season still to come,” or “one of them might be gay, you don’t know.” Neither of these things are good enough. Neither sentiment makes me think “Yeah, that’ll probably be good enough.” For one thing, we’re two seasons in. If you’re two seasons into a show that is clearly conscious of some forms of diversity, but can’t manage to acknowledge the existence of queerness beyond a slur that was used in the first two minutes, and the occasional joke (usually used to make a female character seem more sexy/intriguing), then can there really be much hope for real, honest queer representation and storytelling in the third and final season?

Will they really get round to the very important question of how homophobia fits into the the toxic masculinity locker room culture that Ted first walked into, and how that affected and continues to affect the mental health of those within it? Will they really tell this (or any) story from the point of view of a queer person, and with the care and nuance it deserves? They’ve had poc characters from the start, but even their storytelling of these characters has been controversial and from many people’s perspectives, problematic. 

I know the history of queer television, I know why queer coding became a powerful way of telling only the people in the know “hey, I see you”. But we’ve moved beyond that, and in a TV show like Ted Lasso, where it so clearly aims to  tell a diverse range of stories, from an accepting and curious point of view, the lack of actual, truely represented, honest queerness is jarring. I’m sick of being presented with crumbs, with jokes that anyone who’s not queer wouldn’t even notice, and being treated like it’s a gift.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Ted Lasso, I love all my Richmond himbos and my darling Keeley. I’ll watch season 3 and I’ll obsess. I’ll keep all my little headcanons. But I just can’t stand all this trying to trick myself into believing we’ll actually get a queer storyline, especially not for a main character. I’ve been there before and it hurts. We deserve better. So I’m including a little list, for the darlings who have actually read this whole post, of my current fav shows with actual queer characters and stories, so that while we deal with all this Ted Lasso anxiety, we can also have some comfort LGBTQIA+ tv too. Please add your favourites too.

Brassic:

I have to put this first even though it’s not necessarily the gayest, because I think anyone and everyone who watches Ted Lasso should watch Brassic. Joe Gilgun co-created the show and stars as the main character Vinnie, and while his diagnosis has changed since the show’s beginning (he’s now discovered he has bpd, not bipolar) the show’s depiction of Vinnie as man living with bipolar disorder is phenomenal. As is the way it introduces and tells the stories of its queer characters; most notably Ash, a gay man from a traditional Irish traveller family, who has my heart (but actually there are very few main characters who I'm convinced are really, totally straight). 

There's a moment in the show when Vinnie encounters some ‘casual’ homophobia, and even though he’s not with anyone queer, even though he doesn’t know the person who said it, and he’s got shit he really has to get on with, he has to call it out. It’s a little moment, in a show with a lot more very gay scenes and storylines, but it’s the kind of thing that just feels so important. Brassic is chaotic and crude and probably too much for a lot of people, but it’s loving too. 

9-1-1: Lone Star:

This one might not be the same high quality television as the others; it’s a first responder drama that tends towards the soapy, but god, I love it. I love the way they write their queer characters, I love the way they write the friendships between them, and the ways that most of the characters are some kind of minority and use their shared experiences of being marginalised and discriminated against to support and be there for each other. 

It's also worth noting that Brian Michael Smith, who plays Paul, a trans man, is the first black trans man to be a series regular on American tv, and that queer actors Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva, who play lovers on the show, were recently on the cover of Out magazine, and are both activists in the queer community. 

Sense8:

It’s so wonderfully, beautifully queer. It’s a scifi, made by the Wachowski sisters, that’s a kind of love letter to the LGBT+ community. I don't think any of the main characters are meant to be straight, it’s all so very, very queer. Please do watch it, just, not with your mum you know.

Our Flag Means Death:

Gay pirates. Non-binary pirates. New Zealand accents on characters that are definitely not meant to be from New Zealand. What more could you want?

Vico Ortiz, who is non-binary, apparently cried when they read the script because the writers (three of whom are also non-binary) had taken such care to create space for the non-binary character, Jim. You can honestly feel that care when watching the show.

The Last of Us:

I’m sorry. I’m not a gamer and don’t know anything about the game, but every time I yell at my gamer friend who made me watch the show for making me watch it, they just laugh knowingly and say it's only getting worse. So I’m sorry, but yeah, you should still watch it. 

[heroictoonz]

not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.

Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child

Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh

listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in

the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)

in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them

When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware

now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.

so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.

The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig

but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.

This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo

What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)

To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation

And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.

As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.

Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me

I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr

I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously

[yuukei-yikes]

ah! if you're taking questions about the fankids, can i ask about what's going on about the whole reincarnation thing? (how konoha finds out, if anyone else figures it out, even how he finds out about konoha (before he died) and the whole "daze" thing in the first place. poor kid's got a lot to deal with lol)

YIPPEEEEEEEEEE <- this yippe was written before i finished writing the reply. no yippee anymore. under the cut bc i also went crazy long with this and its embarrassing and erm erm erm erm. hehe. so much mental illness i basically wrote a fic under the cut

i've actually answered this before BUT im changing my answer. when i answered that ask konoha and ayame were only like 40 hours old so now it's simmered in my head better...hehehehheheheeh <- my evil laugh because im abt to give konoha 80 mental illnesses.

so i know i linked to the old answer but if u went to read it just forget abt everything i say in there

yknow how i talked abt like overprotective parents haruka&takane in my last ask LOL i actually had a big wall of text that i deleted while answering because it was rly sad and it got super long and i was like erm. maybe another time and THEN I GOT THIS ASK AND IM LIKE BOYYY WHY DID I DELETE THE TEXT but whatever i'll just go crazy now and even more bc i can dedicate the whole space to it HEHEHEHEHHEEH

konoha is nonverbal for years and since ayano works with kids i think she knows sign language teehee and when it became obvious konoha wasn't going to speak as a kid haruka&takane are like. well. let's do that ig. mekakushi dan learning sign language arc 💖 still is nonverbal most of the time i think. if i had thought of it beforehand i would've kept it for present time JUST IMAGINE THE DOODLES I MADE THE FIRST TIME HE'S SIGNING EVERYTHING IVE DECIDED MY NEXT GEN KONOHA IS NONVERBAL. HE DICHO. CASO CERRADO

ok they're overprotective not only bc they're disabled4disabled and terrified that konoha will one day wake up and be diagnosed with u got 6 years to live type of thing but also. konoha autism swag

and when konoha becomes a toddler shit goes down. then he starts hallucinating and having all these night terrors abt stuff like hibihiyo's timeloop and reviving azami over and over while she was living in the real world but also he's a kid so he doesn't really register all this horrifying stuff the same an adult would duh. and he kind of ALWAYS saw it he just can put it into words now ig. so he's not like AUUUUGHHH he's more like.. confused and scared. he's also not super communicative and i dont mean that bc he's nonverbal like even if he is, he still speaks through signs!! but he's still kind of quiet and slow and etc. like he IS konoha yknow?? he's just like playing and hanging out and suddenly just sees azami and he's like erm mom can u tell the lady in the corner to go away :(( and takane's like LOL. GET IN THE FUCKING CAR. he just gets diagnosis or derivations to other doctors and a child therapist etc and its not wrong bc HE IS completely human now and that whole thing IS translating into not only a human mind but like A TINY human mind. basically mental illness. so many mental illnesses.

HE'S STILL A RLY HAPPY KID...BUT THERE'S SO MUCH TO GET THRU... it's not like he's permanently hallucinating or having night terrors every night either he leads a fairly normal life!!! and is a little kid and has fun and plays around and he's so so so sweet and rly happy!!! but. there's also The Horrors.

i dont think the dan would hide their powers. like yeah sure kano can turn into a cat yippeee!! if we lose a toy we go to hibiya he can find anything!! seto can ALWAYS guess what number we're thinking of it's so funny!! LIKE IT'D BE CUTE RATIO + PLAYING + HAVING FUN OK? PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH, OK!?!?!?!?

but the thing is that haruka saw everything konoha did like THEY WERE. YEAH. haruka & konoha is a THING so i think konoha can ask something and haruka's increasingly like HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT bc there is no way ANYONE could've told him that like the only person who would know is. WELLLLLL KONOHA? i think the big reveal can happen thru konoha being like hey. do u remember when we talked. in that big white room that never ended. that was rly weird lol like when did that happen. where even were we lol. also u were yelling thats so weird u never yell it was scary. lol!! and haruka's like Hehe(shaking) bc as soon as he realises He Cannot Stop realising

what the dan doesn't say is their story ofc bc it's rly sad and like why would they tell their kids abt that lol but. konoha starts asking Questions... Very Specific Questions.

ok sorry i havent even gotten to the way he finds out he's even awakening eyes LOL i think haruka realises btw. he realises before konoha realises. well konoha DOESNT realise. but he HAS been having this identity crisis and he's like damn i already transed my gender WHAT IS IT THIS TIME and he keeps asking these oddly specific questions that are freaking everybody out because he's not even really asking about their pasts?? he's just like mixing his old memories to his current memories and being like uncle shintaro remember when we fell off that high place together :3 and shintaro's like what the fuck are u talking about. like he doesn't describe it specifically enough or whoever he's talking to just assumes someone else told him abt something that happened back then.

like THATS HIS OTHER SELF so haruka isnt even doubting it, as soon as he realises HE DOESNT UNREALISE HE DOESN'T TRY TO CONVINCE HIMSELF OTHERWISE once he knows HE KNOWS. but konoha still doesn't know he's just kinda watching haruka having like a crisis or something.

from then on erm.... about how to manage it... well it'd be a complicated situation. haruka obviously tells takane and she's like ur fucking crazy lol im gonna go talk to him *leaves* *comes back* ok u were right. how the fuck did we even create this.

basically the dan knows before konoha does and it becomes a rly complicated subject about what to do about it because most of them are like the only way to rly make sure is to talk to konoha and they dont know if they wanna do that because they'd have to come clean about their horrible story and yknow konoha's just a kid!! but also if he IS konoha and everything he is seeing are those awful memories then he should know? for peace of mind? maybe? it's... a whole thing. like konoha isn't.... suffering. like obviously all his mental issues are awful but it's not like they will go away just by having context to some stuff. he's still a happy kid. the dan's like ok somehow haruka and ene created a freak of nature. it happens.

like what if they tell him and then all the memories become super clear. why would they wanna do that. most of the memories are total ass and awful. but also konoha's clearly confused and feels so lost. but maybe that's better than him being properly traumatized by remembering everything??

at the end of the day haruka and takane are the parents and they have to decide lollll man they'd be so torn about it. konoha probably throws a line like i just always feel like im forgetting something. THEY'D BREAK DOWN ON EACH OTHER SO BAD AND KONOHA'S LIKE WHYYYY ARE U GUYS CRYINGGGG!?!?! srry haruka and takane for putting u thru the horrors. i think it's funny to do that. congratulations on the marriage and the kid but also cry about it

erm. idk if or how they'd tell him. this is all i can come up with now. bye tune in for next chapter i fucking guess

[andswarwrites]

Day 10

I've written about my mental health in bursts and starts over the years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I’d like to start from the beginning and tell the story in its entirety, from the label "crazy" and how it affected me as a youth, to my roller coaster ride of highs and lows in my twenties, to my psychoses, my diagnosis, my therapy, and ultimately this period of stability I now cherish.  It's going to be a four-part-er I think, starting, as I said, with Part One: Stacey is Bipolar (a teenager with "mood swings")

Both of my parents are blonde and blue-eyed, so both of my siblings and I are blonde with blue eyes too.  Our family has heard a lot of blonde jokes.  Blonde is supposedly synonymous with airhead.  When someone would start telling blonde jokes, I would join in, because I wanted to show that I wasn't bothered by this brand of humor.  I learned at a young age that taking offense and getting upset is not as efficient as staying calm, and laughing at yourself along with people.

As a kid my playmate of choice was my best friend, but when we moved I only saw her from time to time, and my new neighbor was a little bit younger than me, and we didn't always get along.  Since I was homeschooled, and we lived in the country, I didn't experience playgrounds and bus rides the way my daughter did.  From hearing of her experiences, I don't feel I missed out on much.  I volunteered at my N-'s school library and I must say if I had attended primary school, I think I would have liked the library best.

I attended a little English school in Baie Comeau for Grades 7 and 8.  It had all grades, from Kindergarten to Grade 11.  At Recess, the littlest kids would traipse through the halls, and would bestow hugs on the High Schoolers.  I thought High School was rough, but honestly, that school was a kiddy pool compared to the schools I would attend in Grade 9.  I think my parents were wise to enroll me in that school.  My teachers told them I went around in a daze for the first three months.

I'd say my closest friend at that school was a girl who was one grade ahead of me.  Since certain grades didn't have enough students to fill a classroom (this was a tiny school), our classroom held two or even three grades.  My friend was thoughtful, quiet, calm, and I gravitated toward her.  She's the one who told me I had mood swings.  Apparently, this was normal teenager behavior. In Grade 9, I changed schools three times, and by the end of the year I was fed up and asked to be homeschooled again.

My mom didn't like it when people called me crazy.  I think they meant I was bubbly, hyper and impulsive.  And I could be.  I could also sit for hours with my nose stuck in a book.  When I was alone, I drew, I read, I wrote.  When I was in social groups I didn't know how to act.  I had a strange sense of never fitting in, and I didn't know why.  There must be something wrong with me, I decided, but I didn't want to let on that that was how I felt.  It was when I felt like I had no friends that I started long distance correspondence with two sisters.  We would send one another bricks of doodles, drawings and of course, eight to ten page letters.

One of the most profound things my psychiatrist told me while he was in the process of diagnosing me, was that bipolar disorder has nothing to do with personality.  Who I am as a person, who I always have been, is not tainted by my mental disorder.  All those times I identified as "crazy", as a defense mechanism because others used that label on me, it wasn't true.  At some point during my teenage years, I began to have "ups" and "downs".  I don't remember them, though, because my parents provided me with enough structure and support that I was able to remain relatively stable.

You see, bipolar disorder can make you manic or depressed.  You can either burst with energy and live on a "high", or you can crash and drag yourself around in a "low".  My highs weren't as apparent to my mom as my lows were, so she worried that I struggled with depression.  But then the low would pass, and she would be reassured.  I didn't clue in until my twenties that something was up, and even then I didn't seek professional help.  It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I didn't know how to go about consulting.

It's funny, I guess a mental disorder actually does classify me as "crazy", but I no longer use that label to identify myself.  When I was a teenager, I developed the habit of putting myself down as a defensive strategy, because I thought if I did it first, that would empty the arsenal of everyone else.  I was hyper focused on my flaws and failings, so I thought everyone else was too.  It took me a while to learn that no one is perfect, we all mess up, we all need to be forgiven, we all need to forgive.

If I can love others even when they're not perfect, why would I be the exception to that rule?  Why would I need to be perfect to be lovable?  Chasing perfection is unhealthy.  As a teen, I think my mental health was crushed under the weight of seeking to be perfect far more than it was affected by my bipolar disorder.  But my symptoms of bipolar disorder were going to worsen, until crisis point.  Like I said, my parents provided me with a lot of structure and support.  They kept me consistent, they helped me meet my goals.  But what would I do when I left home?  I'll tell that story tomorrow.

[buenasxncches]

⋆｡°₊ ⊹˚ᶻ my life is a play; prompt 12 ⋆｡°₊ ⊹˚

tw: mentions of infidelity, illness, injury, and homophobia.

i lived my life inside a dream, only waking when i sleep...

It’s funny, in a cosmic way, the way even the smallest change, one single choice or action, can send ripples through multiple lives. José María had been filled to the brim with unease when they’d landed here in this new world, unable to trust anything around him for the first few days. He locked himself away in a haze, needing to put himself at ease, or at the very least some semblance of it. There was a fearful kind of curiosity nagging at him the entire time, but he kept stopping himself from digging too much. That only lasted about three days or so. Now, he’s been spending the entire day investigating his cabin from top to bottom, and looking through all the notes he’s kept in his black book, other journals, and his phone. There is no stone that’s going to be left unturned. José needs to know who this new version of himself was…before he took his place. The thought brings a grimace to his face as he scans his notes. 

What he’s learned so far is that apparently his career as a detective came to a screeching halt around 2018, the year he remembers divorcing Colin…That revelation had made his stomach turn and the marking on his wrist itch. This version of himself had developed narcolepsy, triggered by a particularly nasty assault at the hands of a suspect he’d been tailing in 2017. Being discharged from the bureau had led to this version of José working as a private investigator for many wealthy and powerful clients, thanks to the connections he’d made through his years of being a detective, and Colin. He’d combined his love of photography along with his investigative skills to put together an impressive portfolio.

Jose’s bed has a pile of bottles of modafinil…a drug used to treat narcolepsy, and they’re all full. Unopened. In his new black book, ‘NARCOLEPSY IS CURED. THE AMBROSIA CURED ME. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?’ is written among some of the first pages dedicated to the time when this other version of himself first arrived at camp…over a year ago. He’d arrived to camp on the verge of death. The divine song called out to him when he was in an ambulance slipping in and out of consciousness, after suffering a terrible head wound from a fall. José had been precariously balanced up on the edge of a fourth story fire escape, taking photos of someone he was investigating for an elite client when he fell asleep and slipped off. He needed to know what else had happened before he came to camp, and scrambled to find any notes that could help him piece things together. What José had found were notes and photos he’d taken of Colin, because he’d been suspicious that he’d been unfaithful. This José had been correct in his suspicions, and had confronted Colin, which led to their divorce in 2021, a whole three years later than José remembers. 

This version of Colin and José had stayed in the relationship well past the expiration date, bound together because of obligation, and pity. Colin had pitied his situation, losing his job, dealing with the diagnosis of narcolepsy. Their marriage, which had already been on its last legs, had stretched much too thin, leading to bitter animosity towards the end. José had taken on so much guilt over how his marriage to Colin had ended, and seeing how things played out in this timeline only made his heart sink. Colin likely hadn’t actually loved him for a while, for much longer than José had previously thought. To know that he would be capable of stepping out on him after so many years, and when he was going through so many changes in his life was like getting a bucket of ice water dumped on him. This version of himself spiraled after the divorce, much like he had, but was faced with more challenges thanks to his narcolepsy. José can tell that he’d stopped taking care of himself and threw himself into his work, using it as a coping mechanism, and when that didn’t work he used alcohol and substances. The perfect cocktail for his deadly tumble that led him to camp. 

José had been shocked to find the pages and pages of frantic writing, detailing a particular suspect being looked into by the bureau in connection to some disappearances and homicides. Disappearances and homicides that were eerily similar to the ones that happened back in his youth, the case that involved his aunt. This José had felt there was a possible connection. He’d been doing vigilante work, using his friend Julio, one of his former peers, and frequent partner on cases, for information. The thought of that made José feel a tinge of regret, Julio had always been one of his closest friends back when he was working as a detective. He’d been someone that José leaned on (as much as his pride had allowed, at least) when he was going through his divorce. Apparently in this timeline of events, José and Julio’s relationship had developed into something more, something vaguely romantic, but definitely sexual. They both cared for each other, but José was too messed up to be able to properly love someone and be in a relationship. Things ended badly when Julio found out just how obsessively José had been looking into the suspect from his case. The last thing José discovers is that his mortal father is still alive and kicking, and that his family has not spoken to him since he came out. The only difference now is that his youngest sister reached out to him secretly around the time of his narcolepsy diagnosis in 2018, after giving birth to her second child, wanting José to be a part of her kids’ lives as their uncle. The relationship had been rocky, but they’d worked through things to come together, his sister and her kids had even met Colin. The thought of that feels like a knife through the heart.

This José, despite being involved with the camp, and all of the adventures and danger that came with it, still maintained some connection to his old life in the city. He recently repaired his friendship with Julio, and has made visits to New York, to visit him and his sister. The friendship with Julio seems a little uncomfortable, judging from the text messages on his phone, but it’s there. He isn’t sure what to do with all of this knowledge of a life he hasn’t actually lived. José feels like he just woke up from an intense fever dream. He feels like he’s encroaching on someone else’s life, but it’s similar enough to his own that he’s prepared to just settle into it. It’s not like he has any other choice. These are the cards he’s been dealt, and he’s going to play them. He’s going to continue down this path, and live life as fully as he can, defying the odds. Nothing will ever fully take that away from him, even if he might feel some fear or apprehension along the way, not a different timeline, and not being marked by the fae. He’s going to become the best version of himself, because he wants it. He needs it. 

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

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The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

[islandofthemisfittoy]

I tried telling this to my friends, but no one seemed to care.

Tw: Suicidal thoughts, substance abuse

I feel like I’m going crazy. I have these intense mood swings that come with no warning. I’ll be happily sitting and laughing with my friends one second, and the during the same second it’ll switch and I’ll just want to die. All I can think of is how much my friends suck, how they all want to hurt me, how I’m just a pawn in their malicious games, but then it’ll change again and I’ll just be sad. Sad that I don’t have the kind of bonds they seem to have, sad that I thought so badly about them, because I know it wasn’t true. And then I’ll be sad for absolutely no fucking reason. And then it switches… again, and I’ll be happy again. Laughing and joking with my friends, until I can’t remember what just happened. Everything is foggy, and most of all my own actions. It’s like I’ve had a bit too much alcohol, but in that moment I’m perfectly sober. Whenever I try to remember I see everything from an outside perspective, my friends are all sitting there, but my body is just sitting perfectly still, staring into thin air, and while I might not remember much, I know that’s not how it went down. Sometimes I regain the memories after a while, it can be hour, days, weeks, I don’t really know, but in the moment it’s enough to bring me back down. I’ll be sad and confused, and scared I did or said something stupid, and then the cycle just begins again.

Everything is unpredictable, every cycle is different, I don’t know what, if anything, triggers it, because most of the time I don’t see any triggers.

I tried bringing it up with my therapist, because I thought it might be BPD, but she said I didn’t have any of the basic traits for a personality disorder, and that it could probably just be explained with my autism diagnosis and childhood trauma, but I also feel like she’s not listening to me, because when she tells what i said back to me she’s got it all wrong, and i try to explain, but for some reason she just doesn’t get it.

On top of this I also keep seeing, hearing, and feeling things that aren’t there, and while my therapist said this is normal, I feel like I’m going crazy.

And there’s so much happening in my head all the time that I cant do anything. All these thoughts that don’t feel like mine, all these voices and images and it all just turns into a vacuum where there’s no room for the thought I want to have. I can’t concentrate on anything because it all just merges into this huge fog that fills my brain until I can’t hear or see anything. And again, when I said this to my therapist she said it was ASD, but I don’t think she understands the extent of which this is ruining my life, because I cant live like this, and the only time I get peace, the only time I don’t see shit, the only time my emotions are predictable is when I drink alcohol (which I do realise is kind of ironic) and I don’t want to have to rely on alcohol to feel safe in my own head, but if she wont understand, and if there’s nothing she can do I only have to options, because I can’t keep living like this. And I don’t want to turn to drugs, because my mom has been through enough shit, and I don’t wanna do that to her, but the other option is just so much worse.

I honestly just don’t know what to do, and every time my therapist tells me it’s all jut ASD and trauma, and every time i try talking to my friends and they all just react like its no big deal and carry on with their conversation I feel like I’m going more and more crazy, like maybe I’m the problem, like this is all just something I’m making up. But this has been here my whole fucking life, and I can’t take it anymore, it just feels like I’m constantly imploding on myself.

[justboreal]

Eu postei 138 vezes em 2022

5 posts criados (4%)

133 posts reblogados (96%)

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@randomreasonstolive

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Eu marquei 4 posts meus em 2022

#mental health - 2 posts

#i missed translating so much i genuinely feel free - 1 post

#seventeen carat - 1 post

#maneskin - 1 post

#weenie - 1 post

#wonho - 1 post

#monbebe - 1 post

#monsta x - 1 post

#seventeen - 1 post

#carat - 1 post

Maior tag: 74 caracteres

#gimme a follow on tiktok to see it ill love you for it its minjoongsaurora

Meus principais posts em 2022:

#5

I'm getting really scared of collecting mental ilness diagnosis like Pokémon cards it feels like I have warning signs for about a thousand but maybe it's just the narcissistic abuse making me be like this

0 notas - publicadas em 21 de julho de 2022

#4

I have a problem called: i either disappear for society or spam everyone until i feel like a burden and annoyance to them... i want to change but i dont know HOOOOW

0 notas - publicadas em 3 de março de 2022

#3

Feeling a hell lit of pain every day while doing mundane things and having people (including a doctor) say it's nothing and it's all in your head is one of the worst things ever, bc you start to question it, you start to think you're just going crazy. But I fucking KNOW I'm not, bc my bones are literally cracking louder than they should and not moving as they should so CLEARLY SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. If someone else tells me I'm faking it bc I'm lazy I will literally flip the fuck out

1 nota - publicada em 21 de julho de 2022

#2

I'm currently translating a brazilian song into english and the lyrics are so engraved in my brain that it feels wrong to know the rest of the world doesnt know this love story by heart. It's not even the deepest of songs but it has such a cultural effect here like... literally EVERYONE knows this song by eart and its older than me so it literally feels surreal to imagine growing up not knowing how Eduardo and Monica fell in love lol

1 nota - publicada em 3 de março de 2022

Meu post nº 1 de 2022

The fsct that i tested covid positive on the last week of the semester (so i have tk do a shitload of schokkwork while sick) and also missed Sanremo bc i had to go to te hospital i am- CAN A IITALIAN MAJOR HAVE HER PEACE? seriously tho, this week is a whole mess, i fell down the stairs, got covid, had a pop quiz for my worst subject, my paper got an ealier due date than before, like damn i just want to breathe and watch some italians do their thing is that too much to ask?

2 notas - publicadas em 3 de fevereiro de 2022

Veja a sua Retrospectiva 2022 →

[sciencespies]

What Happens When Scientists Become Allergic to Their Research

https://sciencespies.com/nature/what-happens-when-scientists-become-allergic-to-their-research/

What Happens When Scientists Become Allergic to Their Research

Bryan Fry’s heart was pounding as he stepped back from the snake enclosure and examined the bite marks on his hand. He had just been bitten by a death adder, one of Australia’s most venomous snakes. Its neurotoxin-laced bite could cause vomiting, paralysis and — as the name suggests — death.

Fry, at the time a graduate student, had kept snakes for years. Oddly, the neurotoxins weren’t his biggest worry; the nearby hospital would have the antivenom he needed, and, although data is limited, people who receive treatment generally survive. Anaphylactic shock, on the other hand, might kill him within minutes.

“Anaphylactic shock is the single worst feeling you can possibly imagine,” recalled Fry, now a biologist at the University of Queensland in Australia. “It is just insane. Every cell in your body is screaming out in mortal terror.”

Fry, who had spent his life admiring and eventually studying venomous snakes, had become deathly allergic to them.

Bryan Fry observes a cobra on a trip to Pakistan. He is now deathly allergic to snake venom.

(Courtesy of Bryan Fry)

While most cases are not so extreme, anecdotal reports and expert analysis suggest that it is far from rare for scientists, students, and laboratory technicians to develop allergies to the organisms they study. Perversely, some allergy researchers say, it is the researchers’ passion for their subjects — the close observation, the long hours of work each day, and the years of commitment to a research project — that puts them at such high risk.

“It is true that some things cause allergies more often than others, but the biggest factor is the frequency of the interaction with the study organism,” said John Carlson, a physician and researcher at Tulane University who specializes in insect and dust mite allergies. “You probably have about a 30 percent chance of developing an allergy to whatever it is that you study.” While data is limited, that estimate is in line with research on occupational allergies, which studies suggest occur in as many as 44 percent of people who work with laboratory rodents, around 40 percent of veterinarians, and 25 to 60 percent of people who work with insects.

Federal guidelines suggest that laboratories have “well-designed air-handling systems” and that workers don appropriate personal protective equipment, or PPE, in order to reduce the risk of developing an allergy. However, interviews with researchers and experts suggest that there may be little awareness of — or adherence to — guidelines like these. For scientists working with less-common species and those engaged in fieldwork, information on what exactly constitutes appropriate PPE may be very limited.

Many researchers, perhaps especially those who do fieldwork, are used to being uncomfortable in service of their work, Carlson points out. “I think that a lot of researchers are so interested in the process of the research,” he said, “that they aren’t really considering the long-term effects that it could have on them.”

In general, allergies develop when the immune system overreacts to a substance that is usually harmless, or relatively harmless. The immune system monitors the body for potentially dangerous invaders like bacteria, fungi, and viruses. Sometimes, for reasons that are not well understood, the immune system identifies something benign, like pollen or animal dander, as dangerous. To help mark the intruder, a person who has become sensitized in this way produces antibodies, or types of proteins, to identify it.

When that person comes into contact with the substance again, the antibodies flag it as an invader. As part of the response, immune cells release compounds like histamine, which irritate and inflame the surrounding tissues, resulting in allergy symptoms.

Although some risk factors have been identified, researchers who study allergies are often unable to determine exactly why this overreaction occurs in some people but not others. But it’s clear that, for some substances, repeated exposures can increase the likelihood of an allergic response.

While anecdotes of allergic scientists abound, research into the issue is scant. The best documented are allergies to rodents, which are ubiquitous in biomedical research. But some scientists report allergies that are almost completely unstudied, potentially because relatively few people — at least in wealthy nations in which many allergy studies are conducted — regularly come into contact with the organisms that cause them.

For example, while most people avoid regular contact with leeches, University of Toronto doctoral student Danielle de Carle goes out looking for them. De Carle studies leech genetics in order to figure out how different species are related to one another and to understand how blood feeding evolved. To study the leeches, she first has to catch them, and like other researchers in her field, she uses her own body as bait.

“We wade into swamps and stuff, and we let them attach to us and feed from us,” she said. For most people, leech bites are relatively painless. When de Carle needed to keep the leeches alive in the lab, she would let them feed on her then as well.

Doctoral student Danielle de Carle now uses sausage casings filled with pig blood to nourish the leeches she studies.

(Courtesy of Danielle de Carle)

After about a year and a half of this, she started to notice symptoms. At first, the bites became itchy, but the more she was exposed, the worse it got. “The last time I fed a leech — which I try not to do anymore — my entire hand swelled up so much that I could hardly make a fist,” she said. “It itched like crazy.” De Carle said that, when she’s out hunting leeches now, she can avoid an allergic reaction if she removes the leech after it attaches itself to her, but before it starts to feed. For the leeches she keeps in the lab, she’s switched to feeding them pig’s blood from a butcher shop instead of letting them feed on her.

Nia Walker, a Ph.D. student in biology at Stanford University, has also begun reacting to her research organism. Walker studies how genetics influence coral bleaching resistance and recovery. She began to notice rashes on her hands during her third trip to conduct fieldwork on corals in Palau, an island nation in the South Pacific. “And then each subsequent trip after that, it got more and more extreme,” she said. “It got to the point where my face would bloat and I’d get welts on my hands from touching them.”

While her symptoms are especially intense, Walker said she’s not the only member of her lab who has developed a sensitivity. By now, she said, everyone in the lab has “developed a slight irritation to corals.” Walker has been able to manage her allergy by using protective equipment and over-the-counter antihistamines. “It’s sad,” she said, “but it’s also pretty funny.”

Sometimes, allergies that scientists have picked up during lab work can spill over into daily life. More than a decade ago, evolutionary biologist Karl Grieshop worked in a fruit fly lab in which bananas were a key part of the flies’ diet. Ever since, he said, his throat gets itchy every time he eats a banana. Jon Giddens, a doctoral student in plant biology at the University of Oklahoma, said that he didn’t have any allergies before he started studying Eastern redcedar, a small evergreen tree that is widespread in some regions of the country. But now, even though it’s been more than a year since he last worked with the species in the field, he has year-round nasal allergy symptoms, he thinks from the redcedar pollen in the air.

Likewise, Brechann McGoey, who received her doctorate in ecology and evolutionary biology from the University of Toronto, said she didn’t experience hay fever before she started her graduate work. But after repeated exposure to ragweed pollen during experiments, she developed symptoms like post-nasal drip and persistent cough. Even though she no longer works with the species, she still gets hay fever every fall during ragweed season. “It’s a souvenir from my Ph.D.,” she joked.

Reflecting previous research on occupational allergies in veterinarians, most of the researchers who spoke with Undark did not seek medical attention or get a formal diagnosis for their allergies.

Biologist Nia Walker attaches an ID tag to the base of a tabletop coral on the northern fore reef in Palau. Everyone in the lab she works in has “developed a slight irritation to corals,” Walker says.

(Dan Griffin / GG Films)

In many cases, scientists report that their allergies are annoying but manageable. But sometimes, the allergies force researchers to make major changes.

Entomologist Chip Taylor began his career studying sulphur butterflies as a Ph.D. student at the University of Connecticut. When he started his own lab at the University of Kansas in 1969, he had every intention of continuing to work with the species. But, he said, “by the time it rolled around to 1973, I realized I was so allergic to these butterflies.” Taylor began to experience asthma-like symptoms whenever he worked with them.

In the summer of that year, during a research trip to central Arizona, Taylor and a colleague rented a trailer to use as a workstation to process butterfly wing samples. “I could not go in the trailer,” he recalled. “I slept outside with my back up against a tree so my sinuses and my throat could drain.” To manage his symptoms, he was regularly taking prednisone, a powerful anti-inflammatory drug that can have serious side effects. “I decided that I had to get out of working with those butterflies,” Taylor said. “I had to readjust my career to work on something else.”

Taylor spent the next few decades studying killer bees. He returned to butterfly research in 1992, when he started the monarch butterfly conservation program Monarch Watch. Taylor said he’s never experienced any symptoms while working with monarchs — maybe, he guesses, because the two species produce different types of pigments.

Fry, the biologist who became allergic to snake venom, also said his allergy has shaped his career. The venoms of different snake species share similar components, Fry said, so someone who is allergic to one type of snake is likely allergic to many types. Because of this allergy, Fry also has to be extremely careful even around venomous snakes that are usually not dangerous to humans.

“Whenever I work with these animals now, I look like I’m going into the Hurt Locker,” he said, referencing the Oscar-winning movie about U.S. Army specialists who defused bombs in Iraq. “So, of course, in the tropical sun I’m absolutely melting.” Those limitations, he said, have made working with snakes less enjoyable. “I can’t just blithely interact with these animals that I find so absolutely fascinating, knowing that death is just around the corner at any given moment, even from a snake that normally wouldn’t be a medical problem.”

Fry survived his encounter with the death adder thanks to a snakebite kit containing injectable adrenaline and antihistamines, as well as a quick-thinking friend who raced him to the hospital. The allergy, he said, has caused him to redirect much of his research to studying venoms in other animals, including Komodo dragons, slow lorises (the world’s only venomous primates), funnel-web spiders, and box jellyfish. “I’ve managed to turn it into a good thing,” he said, “but it’s been nevertheless very frustrating.”

Allergy experts say that reducing exposure is the key to preventing allergy development. Exactly how much the exposure needs to be reduced is less clear, and increasing protection may be costly for institutions and inconvenient for researchers.

Some laboratories that use mice and rats have equipment and policies designed to reduce exposure to allergens. These labs install ventilation systems for the cages, use a robotic system to clean them out, house fewer animals per room, and provide an area for workers to change out of allergen-contaminated clothing. PPE such as masks, gloves, and gowns can also help researchers reduce their exposure.

But actually applying those preventative measures can be challenging, said Johanna Feary, who studies occupational lung disease as a senior clinical research fellow at Imperial College London.

In 2019, Feary and several colleagues published a study of seven research institutions in the United Kingdom that performed research on mice. They found that facilities that used individually ventilated cages, instead of open cages, had dramatically lower airborne allergen levels. But even that was not sufficient to prevent technicians from becoming sensitized to mouse allergens. The facilities with the lowest levels of sensitization were those where workers also wore properly fitted masks. The research, she said, demonstrated that, at least in the U.K., the development of allergies to lab animals “is probably preventable in almost all cases.”

But Feary said that lab animal allergies continue to be a problem for many people. “We should be getting better at it,” she said. “I’m not sure we are getting better at it.” The main reason, according to Feary, is that it can be costly to install equipment that reduces allergen exposure, such as those robotic cage cleaners, especially if it requires renovating older facilities.

It’s also hard to accurately assess the magnitude of the problem, she said, especially given that conditions and practices differ widely around the world. While well-run facilities will monitor workers’ exposure and health, “at the other end of the scale, you have filthy places with poor health and safety,” she said, where recordkeeping is patchy and people who develop allergies may simply feel compelled to seek work elsewhere. “So, it may look like everything’s fine, and nobody’s got any symptoms, but actually all the sick people have left,” Feary said.

It may also be the case that only the best-run facilities will report their data, she said, while the rest will simply not engage. Indeed, several years ago, when a group of Duke University researchers attempted a nationwide survey of the incidence of anaphylaxis associated with lab-animal bites in the U.S., only 16 percent of facilities even responded.

And with less well-studied allergies, there’s simply little information available regarding prevalence and what sorts of protections are sufficient to prevent their development. Several scientists living with allergies, though, said they think that more information and awareness could help increase the number of scientists taking precautions in their research.

Fry said there is more awareness of snake venom allergy than there was when he started formally studying snakes in the late 1990s. But, he added, “it’s still not as well-known as it should be.” Researchers in the field, he wrote in a follow-up email, can be reticent to talk about venom allergies. But, he said, “I’m quite candid about it because, you know, this is life-saving information.”

Walker, the coral biologist, said more research on allergies among researchers would be helpful. “A lot of these things can be addressed if you knew to look out for it,” she said.

Early-career scientists generally receive thorough training on proper handling of biohazards and harmful chemicals. Institutions often provide extensive safety plans for fieldwork to help researchers prepare for the various risks involved, from dehydration to hypothermia to bear attacks. But scientists may learn little about the potential for developing allergies to seemingly harmless organisms.

“I feel like maybe there’s a bit too much of a casual attitude about protective gear,” said McGoey, who developed an allergy after doing research on ragweed. “Maybe especially if you’re working with a plant or animal, where it’s like a natural thing, and you’re not in the lab with a chemical, maybe people are just not careful enough.”

“As silly as it sounds, just maybe having more emphasis on using PPE and the consequences of not doing it would be kind of nice,” said de Carle, the leech researcher. “It can be really easy to just think, like, ‘Oh, I don’t really need to wear gloves; I’m just touching flowers or whatever.’”

Carlson, the allergist, said that even well-informed researchers can get caught up in their enthusiasm for the work and rationalize not taking the proper precautions.

In 2009, Carlson worked on a project that involved collecting data on house dust mites, microscopic arthropods which cause nasal and respiratory issues in millions of people worldwide. Despite his expertise, he neglected PPE. “I know all this,” he said. “I know I should be wearing a mask, but it’s hot, and it’s sweaty, and I don’t have a boss telling me what to do.” As he worked, he developed a runny nose and itchy eyes — the first steps toward a full-fledged allergy. “I pushed through and I ended up hyper-sensitizing myself,” Carlson said, to the point that even getting down on the ground to play with his then-young children made him “absolutely miserable.”

Carlson is saddened thinking about those scientists who have to give up the work they love due to allergies. “I really do feel for these folks doing their work and developing an allergy,” he said. “The more we get the word out there, the better.”

Hannah Thomasy is a freelance science writer splitting time between Toronto and Seattle. Her work has appeared in Hakai Magazine, OneZero, and NPR.

This article was originally published on Undark. Read the original article.

#Nature

[actually-autisticc]

Idk why but I feel like pouring out my heart right now about Spinel as I can’t do that with anyone (used to be able to with my girlfriend but we aren’t together anymore.)

Like my GOD I don’t think I’ve ever loved a character as much as her in my life. I don’t know what it is but literally she makes me so fucking happy. Whatever form it may be, past Spinel, movie Spinel or Future Spinel, she makes me so happy.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I have Asperger’s (I’m on the more high functioning end of the spectrum like if I told you rn if you were with me you probably couldn’t tell). So this diagnosis makes me just focus more on things like television shows, characters, whatever. For me, I’m focused on fitness, Spiderman, Spinel (or SU in general), graffiti, and idk other shit.

But Spinel is something different. When the movie came out, I never even knew that they were planning on making a movie so this was such a surprise for me I didn’t see any trailers or anything. Once I heard, I flipped shit and was like wow I need to get back into this again maybe. I of course finished the regular seasons and somewhat forgot about it afterward (still rewatched it a few times). I was a freshman in college and kinda lonely. My Asperger’s also affects my ability to make friends but I’m still nice and friendly as ever so I was a little lonely. I had friends but not people I could make absolute amazing college memories with. Watching the movie made me fall in love with SU again but it also made me fall in love with Spinel. She’s so adorable I just can’t. She also fuckin hot-

I absolutely loved her character, her design, her story, her amazing voice actress that is now my favorite actress, and just everything. Other Friends swept me off my feet with the swingy feel and before, I already kinda liked electroswing and 1920’s-1930’s animation so it was like an orgasm of amazingness. During dinner, I’d be in the (awful) dining hall, chowing down on salads but also looking up things with the movie. I watched edits, looked at fanart, read fanfics, and everything I could find about this springy, neurotic character. Spinel just made me feel better during these new changes of being in a new city (moved across the state) and being in college. I didn’t feel as lonely when I looked at things about her.

And then Sarah Stiles. Wow. What a fucking VOICE like I’d listen to her sing idk happy birthday or even the stupidest songs and I’d be happy. She seems so down to earth, kind, funny, and fun-loving. I honestly don’t think I normally obsess or like celebrities but Sarah is amazing. Sure, I like athletes, singers, actors/actresses like anyone else would but idk Sarah is different. I don’t wanna be a stalker lmao (I’ve seen someone role play??? Like how weird is that? It’s one thing to roleplay a fictional character but someone that’s living right now? I do get impersonators like Michael Jackson ones sure). She’s replied to me twice on Instagram even tho I don’t normally comment on celebrities’ social media’s. I watched other things with Sarah like Get Shorty, bootlegs of Broadway musicals which I HIGHKEY recommend people to watch. Seriously I picture Spinel anytime Sarah’s onscreen and I love it. Anytime she swears I’m like fuck yes spinel would definitely say that (LET SPINEL SWEAR). I sound crazy sorry lmaoo

I’m sorry I’m typing all this but I can’t say any of this to anyone without probably getting weird looks. I used to talk about it with my girlfriend but we aren’t together and there’s just this empty hole. It hurts that I can’t talk about certain things with others. I could write so much about Spinel (literally writing a fanfic lmao GO CHECK IT OUT ITS CALLED THAT DAMN DAME) but idk how big posts can be on tumblr.

Thank you for coming to my Spinel Talk

I also thinks she’s so fucking hot don’t @ me like slice me with your rejuvenator, Spinel, or extend your fing-