#its ok to set up a healthy boundary for your limits

[roses-are-repulsed]

You are not broken for being repulsed. Nothing is wrong with you. You don't need to be fixed. Do not hurt yourself by purposely going past your limit to trigger your repulsion - that's not how exposure therapy works nor is it supposed to cause harm to yourself.

Do not make yourself physically ill trying to be "normal" you deserve better. You deserve kindness. Grant yourself that kindness.

[betteryoutipsblog]

Feeling Like a Supermom Drowning in To-Do Lists? Take Control of Your Time!

Juggling work, kids, chores, and me time can feel impossible. But you've got this, mama! This post is packed with powerful strategies to ditch the overwhelm and create a calmer, more balanced life. Let's reclaim your sanity and become the time management queen you were always meant to be!

Before We Dive In: Breathe & Accept Your Limits

Best Time Management Strategies for the Overwhelmed Mom

Feeling like the world rests on your shoulders? It's normal, mama! But you can't do everything, and that's A-OK. Let go of the guilt and focus on what truly matters. Prioritize tasks, set achievable goals, and embrace self-care. You deserve it!

Time Management Hacks for the Busy Mom

Plan Like a Boss: Feeling scattered? Planning is your BFF! Schedule work, family time, self-care – everything! Knowing what's ahead reduces stress and keeps you on track. Plus, ticking things off your list feels amazing!

Early Bird Gets the Worm (and the Coffee!) Struggling to squeeze in "me" time? Become a morning person! Wake up before the little ones and enjoy some peace and quiet. Read a book, meditate, or grab a coffee – it's your time to recharge. ‍♀️ This sets the tone for a productive day and lets you tackle priorities before the chaos begins.

Craft a Morning Routine You Love! Set yourself up for success with a morning routine. Wake up 30 minutes earlier for some joyful activities like yoga or savoring a cup of coffee. Feeling energized? Add some exercise to boost your mood and productivity! Use this quiet time to set goals, make a to-do list, and conquer the day!

Family Calendar: Teamwork Makes the Dream Work! ‍‍‍ Feeling like you're going it alone? Get the whole crew involved! Create a family calendar and discuss everyone's schedules. Delegate tasks, and don't forget to schedule in self-care time for yourself, mama! You're important too!

Set Goals You Can Crush! Feeling overwhelmed? Set realistic goals. Break down big tasks into smaller, manageable steps. This helps you make progress without feeling crushed. Remember, your well-being matters, so set goals that work for you, not against you.

Bonus Time Management Strategies for Working Moms

Office Hours: Boundaries Are Your Friend! ⏰ Feeling pulled in a million directions? Set work boundaries with clear "office hours." Let everyone know when you're available for work-related matters. This keeps you focused and helps you plan your day effectively. It also allows you to be fully present with your family during non-work hours.

Pomodoro Power! Feeling like you're constantly multitasking? The Pomodoro Technique is your new best friend! Work in focused 25-minute intervals ("pomodoros") followed by short breaks. This keeps you laser-focused and prevents burnout. Take a deeper dive into the Pomodoro Technique to unlock its full potential!

Tech To the Rescue! Technology can be your lifesaver! Use calendar apps, meal planners, and to-do lists to stay organized. Feeling overwhelmed? Find online communities for support and inspiration. There's an app for (almost) everything, mama! Use them to your advantage.

Remember, Mama: You Don't Need More Than 24 Hours... You Need to Use Them Wisely!

Feeling like there just aren't enough hours in the day? It's not about more time, it's about using your time effectively. Prioritize tasks, set goals, and eliminate distractions. You've got this! By optimizing your 24 hours, you can achieve amazing things.

Empowered Moms Rock! ‍♀️

Time management isn't just about convenience, it's about your well-being and success! These strategies, from weekend prep to mindfulness, will help you navigate motherhood with grace. Embrace flexibility, prioritize progress, and don't forget to take care of yourself. You are a superhero, mama, and a healthy, happy you means a happy family. ❤️

This is just the beginning, mama! Take one or two tips at a time and find what works best for you. You've got this!

[critical-goat]

Headcanons on where the Obey Me! pact marks would be located if the locations were based on chakras. I spent way too many hours looking into this, as I never imagined just how.... expansive chakras are. (take a shot for every time I say chakra(s), pact, or mark. Please do not actually ok, even individually all are said so many times)

no spoilers or other warnings

what are chakras, though?

The practice of Chakras started in Hindu religion and is a Sanskrit term meaning wheel or mystical circle.

Chakras are bundles of energy that run throughout the body. Traditionally, there are 7 layers of chakras: physical, two emotional, two mental, and two spiritual layers.

I’m focusing on the physical layer (though I don’t doubt that they could possibly imprint their pact on less tangible parts of you if they wanted) for simplicity sake and to avoid making this more religious than it needs to be. Admittedly, I already feel like I’m overstepping boundaries.

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ROOT CHAKRA (Belphegor + Beelzebub)

The chakra itself is located at the base of the spine between the anus and genitals (don’t worry, we’re not placing the pact here) and represented by the color red.

If this is your most prominent chakra, food and sleep are probably important factors of your life, as the Root is connected with survival as well as feelings of security and emotional satisfaction.

A healthy Root Chakra provides a grounding feeling and feelings of safety while an imbalanced Root leaves feelings of insecurity and restlessness.

Despite often being described as the First Chakra (Mammon is jealous), the Root is considered to have the lowest frequency and slowest spinning wheel, as it more than the others is attributed to physical and vital needs and fulfillment

The pact marks show up on MCs pelvis, just below their waistline and are side by side

When Beel’s was the only pact of the two, rather than lining up in the same invisible line that the others seemed to follow, it leaned to the side, looking unbalanced and incomplete. The piece becomes whole once Belphie’s mark forms next to his twins.

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SECOND CHAKRA (Asmodeus)

This chakra is located in the kidneys, bladder, and internal reproductive workings and is represented by the color orange.

The source of creative impulse; those with the second chakra as their dominant are often seekers of pleasure and satisfaction in their day to day life.

Balanced, this chakra channels commitment and creativity, while an unbalanced Second chakra causes a lack of boundaries and empathetic emotions.

Asmo’s pact mark shows up on MC’s lower back, just above their butt (YES, this man tramp stamped you, would you expect any less from him) and is the only of the Brother’s marks that doesn’t appear on MC’s front.

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NAVEL CHAKRA (Mammon)

Located at the navel and represented by the color yellow.

The center of personal power and commitment; those with a dominant Navel chakra are people of action, with a great desire to achieve.

Balanced, this chakra channels inner balance and inspiration. When imbalanced, it will manifest feelings of anger, greed, shame, and/or despair.

Mammon’s own Navel may well be imbalanced as he seems to better fit the imbalanced traits than the balanced, but his control over his powers, general personality, and his devotion to MC make him more than worthy to be associated with this chakra.

Mammon placed his pact smack dab in the middle of MC’s stomach to keep a certain brothers (coughAsmocough) pact mark from having a place to distract from his own claim (jokes on him, Asmo loves butts so its a win-win, really). While his pact doesn’t stray from the line the pacts align themselves to, it does lean slightly towards the side MC’s heart is on.

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HEART CHAKRA (Leviathan)

Located in the middle of the chest and represented by the color green (green with envy HAH).

Those with dominant energy in the Heart desire to create.

Balanced, it manifests compassion and love; signs the Heart chakra is unbalanced includes grief, attachment, fear of rejection, and/or heartlessness.

I did not run out of chakra placements. Levi’s placement here is very deliberate. However, he is yet another who’s own chakra seems to be imbalanced. His compassion is very prominent is Season 2 and even when he is more withdrawn, you can still tell just how much he cares about the others. (I also note that the Heavenly Virtue directly correlated to envy is kindness).

Levi’s mark appears on MC’s sternum right in the valley of their chest (much to his embarrassment) and leans to the side opposite of their heart (not because he likes them than the others, but more because he already feels embarrassingly close to the most important part of them).

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THROAT CHAKRA (Satan, Diavolo)

Located on the throat and represented by a light blue color.

The center for speaking and hearing truth.

A balanced Throat manifests inspiration through self expression and learning and teaching (teaching being apart from the others); unbalanced causes weakness in expression, vocalization issues, insecurity, and fear of others opinions and judgements.

While Satan’s pact appears directly upon the throat as a bold declaration of his connection to MC, Diavolo’s would show up on the back of the neck further down towards the shoulders.

Diavolo might not show it, but he does respect people’s privacy and would prefer to allow MC to choose whether or not they publicly bear the seal of their pact. Satan’s mark slopes towards the side of MC’s dominant hand.

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THIRD EYE CHAKRA (Lucifer)

Located between the eyebrows and represented by indigo.

Center of the brain as well as cognitive and high functions; those with dominant energy in their Third Eye easily concentrate on their tasks and are a determined lot.

A balanced chakra gives way to a clearer intuition and clairyvoyance while an unbalanced Third Eye can cause confusion, depression, and over intellecualization.

I set this as Lucifer’s rather than Satan’s both because he already has the physical representation in his own demon form, but also because he more than the 4th born tend to forget that others have limits and that every infraction is not a ploy against him or an attempt to piss him off, correlating to the over intellecualization of an imbalanced Third Eye. He makes up the last of the unbalanced chakra squad, but also seems to have a good mix of the balanced traits as well.

His mark, rather than appearing between MC’s eyebrows, the top of his pact begins at their hairline and ends just before it reaches their eyebrows.

[floraone]

What do we mean when we say “sex positivity?”

With Smutember around the corner, and because this is SADLY nothing sex ed talks about consistently around the globe, I want to take a bit of time to about sex positivity if you’ll allow me. Specifically, what we mean when we use the term, and what it doesn’t. Does sex positivity mean you have to like having sex? (Spoiler, it doesn’t). Does sex positivity mean it’s wrong to not be open about doing certain practices? (Nope, it doesn’t either.) Does sex positivity mean I have to either love or hate porn, or erotic literature? (No, again.)

Since I’ll talk about this for a little longer, AND you because get to decide if you want this topic on your dash*, read ahead after the cut.  (*and, while we’re at that, with smutember coming: all posts on this blog will be tagged with the hashtag #smutember2020 henceforth. If you don’t want to see this content, please feel free to block the hashtag.)

Forthose who don’t want a long post, here is the TL;DR:

Sex positivity is defined in many, many different ways, but ultimately spans attitudes regarding how we perceive sex and sexual conduct both for ourselves and others. It sees sex as a healthy expression of ourselves in which all consensual expressions of it are valid. In which shaming each other for sex or sex practices or shaming each other for the lack of experiencing sexual desire and having healthy sexual boundaries is not sex-positive. Sex positivity is about embracing all expressions of sex and sexuality (as long as they are between consenting people) as something positive that embraces open communication about personal limits and desires, and encourages exploration. Consent here is the most important prerequisite requirement: That all people involved are of an age and state of mind and consciousness where they are able to willingly consent, as well as have the perceived power to willingly consent to participate in the action. 

So, to preface this shortly, this isn’t actually a term that is super easy to define. Which is why scholars (among them feminist, psychologist, social studies and sexual medicine scholars and many others) have not yet agreed on a universal definition. In fact, there are papers solely focusing on comparing definitions to find their common ground. It is, thus, definitely not something that goes without saying.

Before I can speak about what sex positivity is, we have to talk about the most important ingredient, though: Consent.

What is (and isn’t) consent?

Consent is the explicit agreement to participating in any action, and here, specificially, sex. It can be verbal and non-verbal, but it means everyone involved really wants to do all sexual actions that are being done, no exceptions. It means no one is being coerced against their will, no one’s concerns are being ignored, their desires and boundaries are known and being listened to and respected. It means no one is doing something they had no chance to reflect upon if they want it or not, and no one is doing something they don’t want out of obligation or a sense of duty. It means no one is having sexual contact with someone who isn’t able to consent in any form: be it because they can’t consent because of their age, or limited consciousness, or because of perceived verbal or nonverbal threats and/or consequences. The latter, in its most base terms, means (non-exhaustively) that people below the (culturally differing) ages of consent - meaning children and young teenagers - cannot consent, that people who are intoxicated, under the influence of drugs, asleep, in a state of trauma or shock, in a dissociated state of mind or any similar states cannot consent, and that people who feel they have no power to say no cannot conset - i.e. someone who fears consequences to their physical, social or psychological well-being (or those of others) if they say no, which can range from, say, an employee feeling like they can’t decline an employer’s physical advances that they don’t want without negative consequences in any form in their work-environment, or a person in a romantic relationship fearing a break-up if they don’t “deliver” sex even if they don’t want it, or a person who feels they have to “deliver” sex they don’t want in order to prove their personal worth or love or affection or to avoid ridicule. These are of course non-exhaustive. A person who says yes even though they don’t want to because they feel they can’t say no, as well as a person who is too young and/or unable to say no, isn’t consenting. 

And because this is so important, here, have that brilliant Tea of Consent by Emmeline May, quoted and photographed off my copy of “More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters” by the Hotbed Collective.

What Sex Positivity Is

Most of us are very intuitive about what sex positivity is, but the fewest of us have ever discussed it at length in any way or form, and thus the edges are very often hazy!

First and foremost, sex positivity is a set of attitudes that forms personal beliefs regarding sexuality, how we perceive collectively shared sexual norms, and how we view sexual autonomy and sexual expression both in ourselves and others. So what does that all entail, and how does that look?

A basic view of this is: sex is good! Sex is, as long as it’s consensual, something healthy, and a valid and enjoyable way to express intimacy, affection, love and desire. It’s not just a means to an end (satisfaction, babies, etc.) and it should not be shrouded in shame or pain or discomfort, and instead be communicated about openly and respectfully. This is of course, in direct answer to sex-negativity: The belief that sex is bad, shameful, sinful, and having it makes you just as sinful.

Here is one of many scientific definitions for the term:   “[Sex positivity is] the belief that all consensual expressions of sexuality are valid.” (p.289) 

That means if you’re, say, really into having sex while wearing stockings (actually something that comes up very often when you ask people of their fantasies in surveys!) or maybe wanting to be tied up for it (also a VERY frequent fantasy) and do it ONLY with people who are into it, too, and not against their will, then it’s a healthy expression of your desire and no one (no parents, no society, no church or institution or anyone) is entitled to shame or sanction you for it.

As Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and sex researcher says, society (including its medical and psychological history and authorities, sadly!) has had a very narrow and restrictive view of what is “ok” to be desirable when it comes to sex in the past and sadly sometimes still the present, and that “they’ve pretty much told us that we shoudn’t do anything other than put penises in vaginas and even that, ideally, should only take place within the confines of a heterosexual, monogamous marriage).” (p.vi) Bringing with it the dogma of immorality and crime, among else. 

Sex positivity aims to be the antithesis of this. It means all forms of consensual sexual expression are valid. Not one form is better than another. If you live and love monogamously or heteronormatively, it isn’t better or worse than living in any other form. From polyamory to kinks, or having any kind of consensual fetish that don’t hurt anyone else or their free sexual expression when sharing them with others, all of them are valid, none of them are better or worse than any other individual choice. It means celebrating and validating all forms of sexual expression (or lack thereof!) as well as all forms consensual practices, while having any form of sexual identity and any placement on the wide spectrum that is gender identity. 

What Sex Positivity Isn’t

Because sometimes it is easier to thoroughly understand something by outlining what it DOESN’T include, this is more imporant than many might think. And because I’m obviously not the first person to think about this, there is this really great article by Everyday Feminism about what sex positivity isn’t that is written in a very clear and straight-forward way, that I’ll urge everyone to check out, but I’ll also outline some select few of the (more numerous) basics they’ve described here:

🚫 Sex positivity means liking sex

No. Just because someone really, really enjoys sex, that does not mean at all they are sex-positive by default. Sex positivity isn’t synonym with being overly enthusiastic about having sex or surrounding yourself with it. It can! But that’s not at all the point in the slightest. Someone who really likes sex can still be disrespecful about someone else’s sexual expression, or feel entitled to someone else’s sexual acts or interest in sexuality, or that they can judge someone’s sexual identity or form of expression. Sex positivity is about respecting others in all their forms of sexual expression, even if those forms don’t represent your own. Likewise, someone who does not themselves like or enjoy sex can still be respectful of other’s expression of it in any form and with any other person or persons, and see sexuality as a healthy form of self-expression even when it is their choice to not engage in it for any span of time or reasons.

🚫 Sex positivity means everyone should have and like sex because it’s healthy

No. There are uncountably many reasons why someone might be repulsed by sex or simply not interested it. All of them are valid. None of them are to be shamed. Sexual trauma, sexual exploitation, a lack of feeling sexually empowered, pain during sexual intercourse, lack of desire, internalized shame that prevents sex from being enjoyable, the feeling of being in an environment where your sexuality is coerced or objectified and not feeling comfortable with it, being touch-repulsed or simply feeling no inkling of “lust”. All of this is valid. Sex positiy means respecting boundaries in consentual sex. It does not mean you have to have sex if it is unpleasant for you for any number of reasons. Of course, if you want sex and are suffering under any number of reasons that make you not enjoy it even though you would intrinsincally WANT to enjoy it (Anything from pain to sexual trauma to shame), then there are professionals out there qualified to help and counsel you. But they, too, are not entitled to dictate sexual action for you. Only you decide if you want to have sex or not. No one else. You are the master of your sexual expression in any form and are entitled to decide how, when and if you (and only you) want it, and no one else. That is an expression of sex positivity.

🚫 Sex positivity means being open to all forms of sex

No. Being sex positive means you respect the healthy expression of your own and someone else’s sexuality, and this includes their boundaries. You can believe that sex is healthy and enjoyable and should not be shamed in the least, and still not like anal. It does mean however that you still respect someone and their sexual expression when they do like the shit out of anal (pun intended lol, thank you very much.) This person is not entitled for YOU to like anal or to get it from you if you don’t enjoy it, and you are not entitled for them to not desire it. And this of course goes for any sexual practice. Judging and shaming someone for enjoying giving blowjobs is not sex-positive, just like it isn’t sex-positive to expect someone to inherently WANT to give blowjobs. Sexual boundaries are very healthy, and an important form of self-reflection and the root of true informed consent. Knowing what you like and don’t like and that these things will most likely differ from others in their unique expression is an important path to a most healthy sexual expression.

🚫 Sex positivity means always being ready, available, and interested in sex, with anyone.

No. Sexual expectations wear heavily on people from any gender or sexual identity. Many queer or nonbinary people suffer, among else, under sexualisation and being made the stuff of fetishes or being ascribed heavily sexualized attributions. Many men, among else, suffer under normative stereotypes, myths and sexual scripts that say they always want sex and are unmanly when they don’t feel desire 24/7, that they’re always up for sex and never not in the mood. Likewise, the 70s brought women and their sexual freedom into a position heavily reinforced by porn scripts in which they are expected as ‘sexually freed’ beings to be sexually available, ready, interested, and orgasmic at all times, and if you are not, you are a prude, and if you do it too much, you are a slut. These are all (non-exhaustive) forms of sexual shaming and dictated sexual expectations. If you are generally enthusiastic about sex and enjoying it, you are allowed to have phases where you feel less desire. And whether you are someone with a generally smaller libido that sometimes spikes, or you’re someone who has never felt any sexual desire at all, or someone who wants sex a lot, you are sex positive when you respect other’s free expression of it, and this includes the frequency in which they want it or with whom they have it. You get to pick what sex you have and with whom or how many you have it, no one else. Anyone who tells you otherwise under the mantle of ‘sex positivity’ is, as everyday feminism so eloquently put, employing “sexual coercion cloaked in faux-progressive language. If someone is calling you a prude or sex-negative for not having sex with them, they’re violating your consent and their opinion of you is invalid. And just because you want to create a world in which everyone is empowered to make the sexual choices they want doesn’t mean that you personally have to be interested in casual sex.”

🚫 Sex positivity means sex is healthy, so that means I am entitled to sex.

No. It means you are entitled to WANT to have it, but not to have it. In sex as in every other need involving other people (from receiving oral, to boardgames, to conversations, to a hug or affection): Just because you are entitled to want something or even very validly need something, that does not mean someone else is obligated to give it to you. Just because someone needs comfort and company, you are not obligated to give it. Just because someone wants and needs attention, it is not your job to give it. Just because someone wants sex and feels they need it, even if they are your partner, you are not obligated to give it. This can be frustrating, of course. But NO: Just because you want sex, you are not entitled to have it. Ever. From anyone. No one owes you sex, not even if you’re married to them. Everyone has their own sexual agency, and everyone needs to respect it. In fact, feeling entitled to sex lies at the base of sexual aggressive behavior of all kind, and the idea that your own desire for sexual activity rates higher in priority than the individual needs of the person you’re coercing it from. It’s at the root of rape culture, and something we must all internalize to overcome it: Despite you wanting something and it being healthy to have it or to get this something, no one owes it to us or is obligated to give it to us.

🚫 Sex positivity means you have no problems with sex.

No. The term positivity of course often brings overtly positive connotations with it: something easy and happy. Of course, sex positivity doesn’t require you to have an easy or happy relationship with sex and sexuality. Sex can be traumatising, uncomfortable, regrettable, awkward, unpleasant, confusing, or plain boring and uninteresting to you. Even if it isn’t traumatising or painful, it can still be hell of a lot frustrating navigating it and your own desires. Body image issues or and religious restrictions that can be important to you or not, never having orgasmed but really really wanting to, the feelings of not ever having encountered sex that’s truly fun for you, all of these and many, many more are the giant maze that can arise when navigating sexuality in our lives. None of these means you aren’t sex positive. It’s here for survivors of sexual violence and aggression and those who want to reclaim their sexual agency, sexual empowerment and self-expression, just as it is here for asexuals, demisexuals, aromantics, or anyone else. It’s the belief that we have a right to a healthy sexuality without being shamed, violated, sanctioned or discriminated for it, and that we have a right to our boundaries as well as our fantasies. 

So, I’m guessing most of you knew this intuitively all along. I’m preaching to the choir. However, seeing it written down often helps us in expressing ourselves, and in the way we confidently navigate our own sexual empowerment.

And, with smutember on the horizon again, when we once again try to incorporate sex positivity in our writing, too, it might serve as a good reminder that we help along the normalisation of sex positivity whenever we portray it in media in general, and fiction specifically! I hope one day we will take all this fully for granted, and everyone around us, too!

[rememberingthesugden-dingles]

I keep seeing your spn gifs and having never seen the show before, I was just wondering what it's about. As from the gifs I seem to gather it's a supernatural show about 2 brothers but they are the loves of each others lives ??? But not in a incestuous way but a brotherly way ?? Cos each time I see a gifset and your tags I'm like ok this shows wild, they're brothers but also their weird love bond they have intrigues me. A quick rundown of the show would be appreciated if you don't mind !

oh boy haha...

actually no you know what you’ve summed it up perfectly tbh! 👌

the show is obviously called supernatural and so this is the context in which the protagonists exist. it is indeed about two brothers: sam and dean winchester.

basically it starts like this: on november 2nd 1983, their mum dies in weird supernatural circumstances when sam is a baby and dean is 4 yo, which sends their dad on a downward spiral, obsessed with finding answers and getting revenge. soon their dad realises there are things that go bump in the night and he starts researching them and fighting them.

thus is the way that sam and dean are brought up, staying in cheap motel rooms while their dad goes on a ‘case’, having no one to really rely on but each other. the family can’t bring too much attention on themselves and they never stay in the same town too long, always off to another case, another motel etc. their dad raises them like warriors, “hunters”, wanting them to be ready and to know how to defend themselves. he loves them but he’s obsessive and authoritative. they don’t get to socialize like normal kids, but at least they know how to use guns, eh! #thefamilybusiness

dean (the older brother) is the soldier child, his dad’s right hand man. an extreme amount of responsibility was put on his shoulders from the moment the mum died and he follows in his dad’s footsteps with blind faith.

sam (the younger brother) is the rebellious child. protected by dean growing up, he doesn’t hero-worship their dad as much as dean does and questions his orders a lot. he longs for a normal life... mostly, he wants to be normal really bad (spoiler alert: he’s not).

when the pilot starts, sam is 22, at college (stanford) living in a dorm with his girlfriend after being booed out of his family for choosing normal, for wanting to go to college. he hasn’t seen them in four years.  but then the brothers are reunited when dean comes to find him because their dad has ‘gone missing’ and dean needs sam’s help finding him. sam accepts to go with dean for just one case but when he comes home to his dorm, he finds his girlfriend dead in the same circumstances as his mum. and BOOM, you have the show!  sam packs his bags to go on road with dean and together the brothers embark on a quest to find their dad and the demon that killed their mum. 

travelling across america in their 67′ chevrolet impala (their home), going from motel room to motel room, they will spend the next 15 seasons hunting and facing everything supernatural from ghosts, urban legends, demons, sirens, vampires to the devil himself, angels, god... and themselves.

despite its humor and sometimes ‘upbeat’ tone, the show is pretty dark and the characters do nothing but suffer... but it’s hella entertaining! 😂

basically it’s about two brothers clinging to each other for better or worse, in a world and a life of trauma. <3

the relationship between those brothers is the very heart and essence of the show. it’s fascinating and oh so very messed up, for reasons that the context of the show makes understandable, and will make your heart clench every episode.

they are indeed the love of each other’s life, as well as canon soulmates. unable to form lasting romantic relationships, whenever they’ve tried it didn’t last long and they always ended up coming back to each other.

their relationship is incestuous, or has strong incestuous undertones at the very least, not in a ‘they’re doing it on screen’ kind of way, but in the sense that it doesn’t have a normal sibling relationship’s boundaries. they are textually codependent to a very unhealthy degree, but in the context of their lives, and within the show, that codependency is almost romanticised and viewed as this beautiful thing that you can only root for. it keeps them human, it keeps them going.

they have gone to hell for each other, sacrificed themselves as well as other loved ones for each other, they have become monsters for each other. there is no limit to the bond that they have. sure it’s rooted in trauma but it’s theirs and they love it. it doesn’t make sense to me to apply words like “romantic” or “platonic” to them, because that would require clear boundaries, which aren’t there. it’s all mushed together and that’s the point.

the best way to explain sam and dean’s relationship is probably the word “all-encompassing”. you know how in a normal/healthy setting you have several different people playing several different social roles in your life? well the thing is sam and dean are each other’s everything and they play all of these roles for each other. hence the mess. they very much are siblings but they are also to a point parent/child, life-partners, best friends, spouses, lovers, coworkers etc.. and all of these different dynamics create the messy result that they are.

to conclude, i will now quote a line straight from the show itself that to this day is still the most accurate description of them i’ve ever heard : “you know sam and dean winchester are psychotically, irrationally, erotically codependent on each other, right? [...] hell, they’d rather save each other’s sweet bacon than save the planet”.

there you go, hope that helped! fdjklk

[aplaceforthesoul]

my abandonment issues are making things really hard as i’m separating from someone who realized she was aromantic while we were together. she still wants to be friends although she hasn’t texted me hardly at all since before she said she didn’t want to be together anymore and it isnt her responsibility to make me feel better but i have been really scared lately and spiraling and i want to ask her to just explain some things that i’m not sure if it’ll be the same or different but it’s been over a month now that it just hasn’t worked out to have a conversation naturally and i’ve felt like if i nag at her about it she’ll just decide to cut off completely and i don’t think she’s doing anything that should make her deserve for me to feel that way and i think i’m just scared on my own but i just feel like such a piece of work to be in any kind of relationship with including a friendship and now that we aren’t in something with definition like our relationship had i feel like she doesn’t have a reason to stick with me at all. and i don’t want her to think that i think being friends is somehow less because i dont and i want to be friends with her just as much as i wanted to be dating or anything im just afraid that its going to fall apart on its own with no defined foundation to hold it together. that was always a difference between us too i want definition and for everything to make sense so that i can feel safe and she doesn’t like setting expectations or confining herself to them and so i feel bad requesting anything from her especially because she doesn’t owe me anything and i’m not doing anything to make her life better that really feels like it will matter when she’s deciding if she even cares about me at all and the thing is she used to be the only person i trusted enough to share my feelings with and now i feel like if i tell her how afraid i am about everything even still it feels like it will only lower her opinion of me and there’s nothing concrete ensuring that she won’t get rid of me anymore. honestly it all boils down to that i’m really really scared but i feel like if i let her see that she’ll only realize more and more how awful of a person i really am to know.

so you’re partly right in saying that it’s not her ‘responsibility to make you feel better — if she’s now realised that she’s aromantic and she wasn’t happy dating then she had every right to end the relationship. it’s not fair or right for her to remain in a relationship with you and sacrificing her happiness and well-being, it sucks but I think we can both agree on that.

however!!! she also said she wanted to remain friends, right? and right now she’s doing everything opposite of being a friend. she’s not communicating with you, she’s not really making an effort for you at the moment. you have a right to expect her to do things like that, because she said she wanted to be friends! if she needs some time and space to figure things out then that’s completely fine, but right now she’s saying one thing and doing another, and that’s not fair. if you want to be friends with someone then be a friend, if you can’t manage a friendship at the moment then say that. words mean something, they matter. she can’t say to you “lets still be friends” and then just…not actually be a friend. 

we haven’t met so I don’t know what makes you think that you’re an awful person? but what i’m reading and the vibe I’m getting from you, you’re not :* people who are genuinely awful don’t think that they are! someone who is a real piece of work doesn’t think that they’re being nasty or selfish at all — the fact that you’re sitting here admitting you have flaws and worrying about being a bad person by definition makes you a relatively good person. we’re only human and yes we make mistakes and mess up sometimes, but that doesn’t make you a fundamentally bad person. 

her happiness is important, yes. her sense of comfort and well-being is important, yes. but so is yours? so is yours. 

saying that you’re worried the friendship “will fall apart on its own with no defined foundation to hold it together” is really vulnerable and poignant thing to say, and I agree with you. relationships do need to be defined and they need to have boundaries to be healthy and happy and stable — whether that’s a platonic relationship (friends) or a romantic relationship or any other kind of relationship. she does owe you something, because she was the one who said she wanted to be friends. she’s now doing the opposite of what she said, she’s being confusing and creating extra stress for you, she does owe you an explanation and some communication.  

so…what to do now, how to go about resolving this? first thing is to figure out what you want. do you want to be friends, is that something that is going to be good and healthy and positive for you? sometimes as much as we might want something, it may not always be good for us ): sometimes the best thing after a breakup is to have some space, allowing yourself time to process the pain and to start to heal can be a better choice to make. you can definitely be friends with ex partners? but when a breakup is still very fresh and raw and painful, it can be almost impossible to continue to have a healthy bond with someone. 

second thing is to talk to her. if you are determined to be friends then you need to talk to her, explain that right now she’s not being very fair and this isn’t how friends act. I don’t think that talking to her about things will make her think that being friends is somehow less worthy? 0: just be honest, that’s all you can really do. I think everything that you’ve mentioned here (needing things to be defined to make sense and to feel more stable, feeling worried the friendship won’t survive as there isn’t a lot of communication) is important and justified and valid. I hope she won’t see it as ‘nagging’, because it’s not! but if she does view it that way and gets irritated with you bringing up legitimate worries and issues…then I guess it shows her true colours, and it’s clear that it’s now time to step away and spend time away from her. 

there’s a lot of conversation on tumblr about mental health, self care, being ‘responsible’ for your own emotions etc? but there’s also a lot of nuance that gets lost, these topics and discussions require context too. sometimes we get so tied up in the idea of ‘personal responsibility’ of others that it can become unhealthy, and concepts can get a little twisted. the idea of personal responsibility does have its limits! no you don’t have a responsibility to shoulder the emotional pain of others, no you don’t have a responsibility to place other people’s happiness above your own, no you don’t always “owe” people your time or energy or explanations (especially if they’ve been unkind or harassed you in the past). collectively though, we all have a responsibility to be kinder to each other and to build a better future by creating community is something to strive for. that starts by being compassionate, by knowing that even if you don’t have a ‘responsibility’ to emotionally support someone or be there for them, it’s still a good thing to do! I guess when it comes down to it, it’s all about balance. if you’re in a mentally good space then help someone, if you’re struggling then it’s 100% ok to put yourself first. your friend is going through the pain of this breakup too — but she was also the one who said she wanted to still be friends. she gave herself the responsibility of being a friend, if she didn’t want that then she shouldn’t have said it. so yes, she does owe you an explanation and some communication. good luck, I hope things work out alright for you xxx

- tash

[gonecrqzy]

The Dark Void

You wake up in a familiar bed, in a familiar room, but you have a sense of emptiness, a dark void. You’re not sure what this dark void is, but you feel its presence. Its been there for some time, and it seems to be getting deeper and darker every day.

The early morning sun is just beginning to peak through the curtain. Like a computer program, the brain activates. “Get up on time, don’t waste the day”, is your first comment to yourself. You need to eat, get dressed, shower and get out the door. You reach over to your charging phone beside the bed. Check the time, and inadvertently give yourself five minutes to brief yourself on news, social media, and any missed messages. Beside the reminder email that your dentist appointment is scheduled for tomorrow and your favourite jeans are on sale again, nothing in particular phases you. And then, as if an automatic switch flips, you are reminded to get up and get going; you don’t want to run behind.

As you take a minute to sip your coffee, you feel connected to life. The moment is brief, a nagging feeling quickly triggers urgency to get out the door. You quickly re-connect with your phone to reassure yourself you have all the information you need for now. With that out of mind, you quickly get ready.

Your ride to work is familiar, so it allows you to think about everything you want to accomplish. You dream of the day when you have enough time and money to do it. These thoughts bring you joy and hope. Right then and there you decide that enough is enough and you are going to make a change. Two minutes later the excitement and joy has evaporated as you remind yourself that you’ve tried before, and failed. You move past the negative thoughts and place the dreams in a safe spot for now.

Before you know it, you are parking at work. Your chest gets tight as you think to yourself how little you like working here. The people are ok, but you don’t really connect to them on a personal level. Your boss is fine, but always seems to upset you in some way. You remind yourself, that you need the paycheck and you’ll be done before you know it and be back home safely.

You find your desk and sit down heavily. Glancing at your empty desk, you have a moment of hope. “This may be a good day, it’s up to me”, you say. As you dive into the daily to-do list, that hope quickly fades and becomes clouded by an ugly and negative reality you’ve been fighting. You begin reminding yourself about your predetermined life limitations and work becomes nothing more than work. As the day drags on, you convince yourself that this is what you want right now. This is your purpose, or at least a means to a purpose. 

Throughout the day you continue to check in with our phone. After all, it’s the only thing you can really count on to be there and give you unnecessary but wanted information. In the back of your mind, you know it’s never worth it, but you also feel a need to pick it up anyway. It’s as if you’re driven by an unconscious addiction to seek an experience that will give you a dopamine hit, or just fill the dull moments with information that will trigger an emotional connection to life. 

Its five o’clock, you did it! Thank-fully the day went by quick. “Easy money”, you say to yourself.

You arrive home, tired because you worked a long day, but it’s ok, you have the weekend to look forward to. Your family is there, they give you a moment of joy as they look up from their phones and greet you with a smile. Your dog greets you with enthusiasm and you feel needed. 

As if you were driven by a motor, you quickly get through your early evening as if it was a chore. If you were to review the movements recorded, you would see yourself moving through routines robotically. Suddenly you find yourself on the couch alone. Everyone has gone to bed; the dishes are done, and the house is clean. The TV is showing a commercial you’ve already seen six minutes before. As the next commercial starts you question why you’re still sitting there. You pick up your phone and click on your favorite social media app and effortlessly find yourself looking at carefully curated photos of beautiful places and people. An advertisement catches your attention briefly, but you continue swiping and feel a brief sense of accomplishment for not making an unnecessary purchase.

The seemingly endless montage of commercials ends, and your show is back on. You can put your phone down now, its time to take a break. You’re not sure why, but you enjoy the reality show you’re watching. You look forward to the connected feeling it gives you to a “reality”. You are the audience, the commentator, the judge. As the people on the show struggle, it makes your reality feel more manageable. After all, you aren’t driving a semi truck on icy roads in Alaska.

Your show ends and you responsibly get ready for bed. Tomorrow is a big day; you have a dentist appointment. A short feeling of anxiety sets in until you re-assure yourself you gave notice to work that you will be away during the appointment. You reconfirm the appointment with your phone calendar and make sure there is a reminder set. You don’t want to miss it.

A quick snack before bed consists of some fresh nuts and a glass of water, which you eat as you stream a new show. You brush your teeth as you think about the day and what the future holds. You acknowledge you haven’t exercised this week; you feel guilty as you tell yourself to do better. Why does it seem that everyone else can manage their time and motivate themselves to keep healthy and active? The idea of the future gives you a bit of anxiety, the recent past brings unproductive guilt, but you don’t let those thoughts dominate and turn your focus to positive future ones. You move toward bed, quickly glancing at your phone during the short walk from the bathroom to the bedroom. No messages, although you know its unjustified, you feel slightly lonely and forgotten.

Your bed is comfortable, and the room makes you feel safe. Against your better judgement, you look once more at your phone glancing at your friends’ profile. They’ve posted a picture that makes you feel shallow and jealous. You quickly remind yourself that you don’t know the whole story behind the post and make yourself feel secure. You continue to fight off the uncomfortable feeling and move on to another media sharing app where you watch pointless silly videos of strangers seeking attention. You like a few videos and feel slightly better about yourself. When you see one that has a million views, it makes you feel insignificant and unaccomplished for a second, but you mange to shake the negativity - “your just not them, if you wanted the attention you could do it to”, you tell yourself.

You put your phone away for the night, close your eyes and do everything you can to turn the brain activity off. Its as if you’re a mind ninja fighting off the thoughts that want to keep you awake. One thought sneaks its way through. You jump up and grab your phone one last time and check to see if your alarm is set correctly. It is… OK now you can rest easy.

After a few minutes you drift off only to be greeted by dreams that make no sense at first, but you jump on for the ride. 

You only wake once, the bright light of your phone glows in the otherwise dark room. You remind yourself that you need to set some boundaries with your phone and quickly go back to sleep.

It’s 7:00am and the alarms gone off. Time to think about today…  

Today is cloudy and only a grey glow is coming through the edges of the closed curtain. You immediately feel disappointed, labeling the day as a bad day. As conditioned your brain notifies you the day starts now. “Get up on time, don’t waste the day” is your first comment to yourself again. You need to eat, get dressed, showered and out the door. You reach over to your charging phone beside your bed. Check the time, and inadvertently give yourself five minutes to brief yourself on news, social media and any missed messages. The news is particularly bleak today, but you only read the headlines. In your email there is reminder that your dentist appointment is scheduled today, and your favourite brand is having a shirt sale, but there also an email from your boss asking for an update on a project that’s past due. Suddenly you feel overwhelmed by life but it somehow pushes you to get out of bed.

You sit down on the couch, breath in deeply and realize you want a change, your not sure what that change is, but the prospect of change excites you and you all of a sudden feel better.

As you pick up the phone, you look at the time, you have to leave in twenty minutes to arrive on-time and maintain your perfect attendance record. You assure yourself that change is around the corner, you are going to stay committed to the effort, but now isn’t the time. With in a few minutes, as if on que, you begin to feel anxious and negative thoughts begin to dominate your emotions. It isn’t a good feeling as you question if your life will really ever get better. You calm yourself by thinking out lout “maybe my life isn’t that bad”. You question your decisions and put them back in the safe place for later thinking.

Your ride to work is again familiar, but this time you want to plan how you’re going to change life. Exciting thoughts bring you joy and hope, but these thoughts are quickly dismissed as dreams as you realize the amount of work that needs to be done and that you will likely fail, just like you did before and many have before you. You decide to calm down and pick up a coffee and doughnut from the drive thru; you deserve it.

Before you know it, you are parking. This time you do everything in your power to suppress the negative thoughts about your unenjoyably work because it might be this way for a long time. “The people are OK and your boss is fine, I’m just over thinking it”, you convince yourself. You remind yourself of the paycheck and the freedom it gives you the rest of the time and that settles the internal argument for now.

The day seems to be going slower than usual, even your phone doesn’t appear to offer much needed company and support, but you stay committed to finding something in it. Finally, its time to go to the dentist, a break at last.

Coming straight home after the dentist feels like a gift. You’re still tired, but you’re one day closer to the weekend. Your family is there, they give you a moment of joy as they look up from their phones and greet you with a smile and a hello. Your dog greets you with much needed enthusiasm and you feel needed again.

As if driven by a mortar, you quickly get through your evening again without even thinking about it. Again, you suddenly find yourself on the couch alone. Everyone has gone to bed; the dishes are done, and the house is clean. The TV is showing a commercial you’ve already seen six minutes before. As the next commercial starts you question why you’re still sitting there. As if by auto-pilot, you pickup your phone, and open your favorite social media app. You find yourself looking at carefully curated photos of beautiful places and people. An advertisement catches your attention. You remind yourself how last time you didn’t make an unnecessary purchase, so you kind of owe yourself.

An hour has gone by since your show has ended, and the TV is now showing the next scheduled show. You normally wouldn’t watch this show, but you’re more focused on the shirt you’ve chosen and that is now sitting in your virtual shopping cart. $49.00, but shipping is free, and you know you need a new shirt, and its been a while since your last purchase. As your finger hovers above the “complete purchase” button you are filled with mixed emotions, but as always you convince yourself you need and deserve it. You further remind yourself that you work hard at a job you don’t overly enjoy; you might as well enjoy spending the money. You push away any guilt easily and tell yourself its time for bed.

A quick snack before bed consists of a cookie and a glass of water. You brush your teeth as you think about the day and what the future holds. You acknowledge you still haven’t exercised this week; you feel guilty as you shame yourself to do better. You question if you will ever get life right. The idea of the future gives you a bit of anxiety, the past shirt purchase brings guilt, but you don’t let negative thoughts dominate as you force positive thoughts in. Although you believe these positive thoughts are artificial, you ensure they remain in focus for now.

You move toward bed, quickly glancing at your phone during the short walk from the bathroom to the bedroom. Still no message from your boss about your finished project submission. Your mind begins to wonder unintentionally as unanswerable and unwarranted questions start coming - you shut them down swiftly.

Once in the comfort of your bed, the room makes you feel safe again. As if driven against your will and better judgement, you look once more at your phone glancing this time at your own profile. You see a picture of yourself that makes you feel insecure. You quickly delete the photo and feel instantly better but remain unsettled and move on. Once again you find yourself watching, unproductive, silly videos of strangers. You like a few but unfortunately still don’t feel any better about yourself. As you’re reading comments on one particular video, you see a troll saying some hurtful things. Without hesitation, you make your opinion known only to delete it shortly after, as another person disagrees with you and attacks your integrity. You recognize the toxicity of social media and tell yourself that one day you will delete it and be happy. However, today you will just focus on turning the Do Not Disturb function on the phone so it doesn’t disturb your sleep tonight. Although it’s a bit risky that an important call might come in, you know it’s the right call for tonight.

You put your head down, close your eyes and do everything you can to turn the brain activity off. Your brain ninja seems to be weak today and random thoughts seem to take over, enticing anxiety, but you know to keep your eyes closed. Suddenly, like clock work, you jump up and grab your phone one last time and check to see if your alarm is set correctly. It is, you shake your head and put your head back down and start the process of falling asleep from the beginning.

After a few minutes you still haven’t been able to fall asleep. You feel yourself getting agitated at the fact and quickly find yourself self medicating with melatonin and calming down by listening to a sleep story on your phone. You don’t even feel yourself drift off as you fall asleep.

In the middle of the night you wake. Your unsure what caused it but you turn over and try to fall back asleep. Within a couple minutes you give up and grab your phone to check the time; it’s 5:20 am. You still have an hour of sleep to go. Without giving it much thought, you’ve checked your messages and noticed a missed text from your friend asking if you are still up. They sent it at 12:10 am, and you wonder what they wanted. You sent a “?” text back without anticipating a quick reply.

Now you are up, no sense trying to sleep now. Even with the exhaustion from the week, stress, and lack of sleep, your brain is too active to shut down. You quickly find yourself mesmerized by your phone while being bombarded by a sea of information you never thought to think about. Who knew you could plant your own avocado?

You stop looking at your phone for a moment and look up. You’ve come to a realization, the dark void you feel isn’t your life, its your addiction to technology and the emptiness it brings.

 The End

[valkyrieskwad]

also. i fully lost it at "She wants Kara to touch her, wants her to pull her in and kiss her again in that way that made her feel like her knees were giving out. But Kara won't, she won't do it and it's maybe the best thing that's ever happened to Lena--someone cares enough to not fuck her." like. fuck. ive been where lena is. might still be there a little bit. and god. you just. articulated that so well and its breaking me but like in a cathartic way i think. ahh ok sorry gonna stop spamming ya

3/3

Hi, first—thank you for this, it’s really sweet and I’m glad this story means something to you!! This is so lovely to see/the reason I enjoy writing fic in the first place. I always hope I’m making an impact even if it’s just entertainment for someone/a way to relax at the end of the day. And I’m glad so many moments stood out to you, because I spent a lot of time/I had a lot of fun brainstorming and carefully picking out the things I wanted to go in this chapter!

I’m just going to gush on your ask, because I love this fic. I love writing this fic, and it’s something I’m actually proud of writing. Like it’s making me expand as a writer and figure out how to do complex characters and feelings and growth. It’s also good to just write something messy and not cute and uncomfortable because real people are mad fucking uncomfortable. People are always going through shit and doing dumb shit and Fucking up relationships or pushing people that love them away. And I like writing that, and writing Kara actually walking away because everyone has limits.

It’s fun to do something that depicts helping (without dragging yourself down) and boundary setting and someone breaking with no healthy coping habits. When someone’s at the bottom searching for scraps they don’t look like themselves anymore, especially if they can’t do what they’re used to doing to feel better/it’s not working for them anymore. But I think, on some level, that’s where lena needs to be so she can learn to do something new that maybe helps her in the long run and doesn’t just feel good right now.

Anywho! Fucking glad you’re enjoying it/other people seem to be enjoying it. And I’m glad it’s ringing true and it feels familiar and all that great stuff, because ugh. Idk. This fic is like my baby and I actually go back and reread it sometimes ahajsj.

Thank you so much! ♥️♥️♥️🥰🥰🥰

[leviathren]

ENC 1102 Final Project

For my final project in my Introduction to Inquiry Based Research course, I am writing a blog post about the research I conducted this Spring 2020 semester. It’s school related so I’m posting it here! This is going to be a long one so grab a cup of tea or a plate of fruits and vegetables and strap in.

TW: brief discussion of body image, mental health, addiction

Social Media: The Effects of Growing Up Online, and How We Can Use it for the Better

Introduction

I used to struggle with self control when it came to being on social media. Social media blew up and became a huge thing for seemingly everyone to have right about when I was growing up and going through the critical developmental stages of adolescence. Myspace was just before my time, it had left its glory days before I had any social media. But then came Facebook. And then Instagram. And Vine, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. My generation was the first to experience having social media from a young age and all the way through our teenage years, and then finally reaching adulthood. I never had anything like social media before. I barely had a phone and any contacts to message before switching to a smartphone and then having social media accounts, and I think that contributed to me not knowing what healthy limits were. 

It came and went in phases. There would be a period of time where I would unintentionally spend hours on my phone every day, just scrolling through Instagram. I wasn’t using it in a meaningful way, like connecting with friends and family, I was just scrolling. Mindlessly, endlessly.

I realized at some point, probably in my early years of high school, that this was an issue. It wasn’t horrible, but I still was spending more time than I wanted on my phone, and throughout the years, I have become better at being mindful with how I consume and use social media, and I have noticed that I have become so much more present in general. I don’t know if this was directly because of the healthier relationship with social media I have now, or if it was just coincidence in timing. I was lucky that I wasn’t too negatively affected by social media, but many people have raised concerns on how it may affect our mental health, and I decided to look into it more and see if I could help even just one person with this.

Mental Health: Social Media as a Stressor

Social media platforms were created to connect us with our friends and family. That’s the “social” part of it. However, social media has become a place where people typically showcase the best parts of their lives. Some call this the “highlight reel” on social media. These snapshots of fleeting moments in our busy lives only show the internet what we want it to show. I am aware that there are exceptions though, such as spam accounts where people share their more vulnerable moments with a private following of their close friends and sometimes family, or social media personalities such as Trisha Paytas who share many vulnerable, not so picture-perfect moments publicly, but the average user doesn’t tell their friends and followers everything that’s going on behind the scenes. Therefore, the majority of posts don’t accurately portray our lives. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing - we all need boundaries and privacy - however, this can sometimes make users feel as if they aren’t enough, or that they aren’t doing enough.

Humans have a habit of social comparison. We do it naturally because it’s a way for us to “estimate one’s past and present social standings” as Tahir M. Nisar, an associate professor at the University of Southampton, wrote. Many people compare their own lives to the lives of others as a means to evaluate themselves and to measure whether they’re doing well or not (Nisar 55). This has been a generally known fact for a while, but when I conducted my own research via online survey, I asked the participants if they ever found themselves comparing themselves or their lives to those of others they see online, and 47.9% of them said “yes, often”, while 43.8% said “sometimes”, and a mere 8.3% said “no, never”. Comparing yourself to others is natural, and it isn’t always a bad thing, but for some it can become a dangerous rabbit hole.

Jeff Cain, an associate professor at the University of Kentucky, wrote that these comparisons “often result in envy, depression, reduced happiness, etc. because they perceive others’ lives more favorable than their own.”  I’m sure most of us have experienced this at least once before where we wish our lives were more like someone else’s without even realizing it. It can be a hard thing to not do! The problem here is that that can lead to us setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and then us being too hard on ourselves when we don’t reach that level. 

Some of the unrealistic expectations we may place for ourselves can be physical appearance. 8.3% of the participants in my survey said they often photoshop their appearance for social media, 10.4% said they sometimes do, 10.4% said they do but only rarely. This is one thing that needs to change.

A good sign is the rest (70.9%) said they never photoshop themselves. In recent years, body positivity has grown and become a more developed movement, leading the online community in a more positive direction. This is a great use of social media, using platforms to share positive, helpful messages to bring together a community and to spread awareness and knowledge of a particular topic.

Coping: Social Media Used as a Distraction

When I conducted my research, I asked the participants what the main reasons/purposes were that they used social media for, and the majority of them said something along the lines of “to connect with friends and family”, and many said they used it to pass the time, to stave off boredom. Sometimes, users will go on social media to distract themselves from negative emotions such as sadness, loneliness, anxiety, stress, etc. Although not a permanent solution, it’s a temporary relief, and this can be helpful. Sometimes, social media can be a distraction from important things though. I know I definitely get distracted from studying or doing homework by checking social media. I’ve already done it once while writing this, yikes. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad!

Ahmad Mushtaq, an academic Vice Chancellor at Alberoni University, and Abdelmadjid Benraghda, a professor at Universiti Malaysia Pahang, found that students mostly used social media to “improve their knowledge and information.” They found that social media was actually a useful tool in education, because it allowed students to find information easily and connect with peers and instructors.

In my research I asked if participants find that they get distracted by their phone and go on social media while doing tasks such as homework or watching movies, and a whopping 77.1% said “yes, often” while the remaining 22.9% said “sometimes”. No one said “no, never”. This may be connected to how many people find it difficult to focus. Using apps that don’t allow you to check your phone for a period of time can help reduce the amount of times we get distracted by social media. One of my favorites is an app called Flora, where you can grow a little tree for staying off of your phone for the chosen amount of time.

Addiction: Excessive Social Media Usage & Reliance

When we think of addiction, we often think of substance abuse, but it can also happen in areas such as social media usage. Within the millennial generation, substance abuse has actually decreased, but smartphone use has increased and continues to do so. Researchers believe that “those susceptible to addiction have simply shifted to a new drug: smartphones” (Cain 739). Cain also writes about how “neuroimaging studies show that Internet addiction...shows similar increases in activity in brain regions associated with substance-related addictions”. Several studies have indicated that as levels of depression and anxiety of an individual increase, they become more inclined towards social media addiction (Simsek 115). One study showed results of a “positive relationship between social anxiety and social media addiction” (Baltaci 78). Although my study was not nearly extensive enough to determine if any of my participants suffer from social media addiction, I did find that the majority of them spent 3 or more hours on social media a day. In fact, four of those participants responded that they spend 9 or more hours on social media a day.

One thing that many users have experienced is FOMO (the fear of missing out). I have experienced this myself, especially in middle school and early high school. A user who experiences FOMO may feel that if they don’t check their phone, they might miss out on conversations, like in group chats, or things like recent events, opportunities, etc., so it may cause them stress or anxiety if they don’t regularly go on social media. On the other hand, some people get stressed/upset when they do go on social media, because they see photos or posts in general from an event or get-together that they either weren’t invited to or couldn’t make it to. Because of these negative feelings related to social media, FOMO has been associated with unhealthy smartphone use (Cain 739).

That was a lot, so what do we do?

Ok, so I know that was a lot of information, probably too much for a blog post on tumblr, but since I wrote all that out anyway, what do we do with it?

Although there were many negative responses indicating that certain uses of social media had harmful effects on mental health, including studies and results that I didn’t mention, there were also results that showed that many people felt indifferent with social media, and it was sometimes even beneficial (such as the academic use of it). 

Those who spent longer amounts of time on social media tended to also feel more negatively when using it, and felt better when they used it less, so I would recommend monitoring your usage time and being careful of spending too much time on it. “Too much time” is very subjective though, so perhaps logging how you feel in relation to how long you spend on social media can give you a good idea of what a good amount is for you personally. Spending more time doing things with our hands/bodies, like physical activity or hobbies, can be very healthy ways of spending our time instead of being on social media. It can help distract us from the urge to check our phones, a distraction from a distraction if you will.

When it comes to content consumption, we all must be careful of what we expose ourselves to. Reducing or even completely cutting out certain content that stresses or upsets us can help tremendously. This can even mean unfollowing certain people who’s posts may make you feel upset, even if you know them personally, were friends at some point, or are just acquaintances. Even though it may feel awkward or even mean to do that, it might help in some cases.

Maybe you could relate to some of the things I wrote about in this post, maybe you didn’t relate at all, but I just want to thank you for reading all the way till the end, and I hope this helped share interesting information that can be useful to you.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Teen Wolf full series review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

82% (eighty-two of one hundred).

What is the average percentage of female characters with names and lines for the full series?

35.07%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Twenty-eight.

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 50% female?

Seven.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Two.

Positive Content Status:

Impressive and uplifting: it’s a show aimed at teens and young adults, and it recognises and takes full responsibility for representing a positive and progressive outlook to its audience. It’s a show full of complex, powerful, smart, skilled, wonderful, diverse female characters, and male characters who are emotional and vulnerable and honest and supportive with one another without judgment, and queer people living openly and happily without fear. I have had relatively minor quibbles, and I wouldn’t call it perfect representation, but it is easily the strongest example I currently have of the kind of positive representation I value (average rating of 3.18).

Which season had the best representation statistics overall?

Tough call, but season six part one edges out the competition by virtue of the highest percentage of female characters for the series (42.52%), which helps it to also score six episodes with 40%+ and three with their casts balanced or female-led at 50%+. It also turned in a 90% pass on the Bechdel.

Which season had the worst representation statistics overall?

Season two, which featured both of the series’ under-20% female cast episodes, and turned in a total percentage of 26.5%, with only 58.3% on the Bechdel. It’s saving grace: the second-highest positive representation score of the series (3.41).

Overall Series Quality:

An absolute delight, end to end. It’s outrageous, it’s bombastic, it is, at times, ridiculous. But it embraces this about itself, it owns it and loves it and revels in it, and it maintains itself with remarkable consistency and never shows any sign of being embarrassed to be just exactly what it is. In a way, that’s another point in favour of the positive message it sends to its audience; there’s no reason to consider Teen Wolf a guilty pleasure, something to hesitate or equivocate before admitting your enjoyment, for it never hesitates or equivocates about itself. It’s an honest and uncomplicated kind of pleasure, and I, unabashedly, love it.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

“You’re not a monster,” Scott declares, at the triumphant conclusion of the Teen Wolf series finale, “you’re a werewolf. Like me.” It’s a reiteration of the same line he uttered to his new beta, Liam, back in season four, and it’s a thoroughly earned mission statement for the show, a declaration that being different is ok, even if others have made you feel like an outcast for it, even if it’s difficult, even if it hurts. The way you are is ok, you have value as you are, and you are not alone. It’s easy to be cynical about that if it isn’t a message you personally need to hear, but for the youths in Teen Wolf’s target audience - especially the large queer contingent - it’s a crystal-clear affirmation that could not be more important, and not one made lightly. After all, it’s easy to make statements that sound glossy and progressive, but if you want people to really take it to heart, you have to earn it. Don’t just say it; demonstrate it. Whatever else you might think of this silly schlocky show, it didn’t just walk the walk with its representation: it strode out with pride. 

With a show that performed so admirably, it’s hard to know what to discuss in summary: the female characters really are so varied and wondrous, so complex and realistically flawed and none of them ever shamed for being different to the rest (because different is ok). The male characters really are so refreshingly low on toxic masculinity, or alternately, they have the limitations and the damage of toxic masculinity so thoroughly exposed through their narrative arcs that there’s no question about the show promoting emotionally healthy openness as a masculine ideal. The queer characters really are so numerous and loved and never made to suffer for their identities (though, if one is quibbling, there was certainly a preponderance of queer males compared to a pretty limited supply of queer females, and don’t think I forgot how they teased us with the idea of queer Stiles early on but never canonically delivered). At the end of the day though, I have discussed the above all over the individual episode/season posts, and what I really want to talk about now is how well they packaged their lesson of diverse acceptance for a young audience, because that target intention is where the show’s progressive ethos really shone.

Not all teen-targeted shows take it upon themselves to teach good morals, and to suggest that they should can come off as infantalising; as if young adults are still children, needing to be taught fundamental behaviours. Setting aside the fact that in some cases they really, really do need that (otherwise they become maladjusted adults who still really, really need those lessons on fundamental behaviours such as accepting other people for being different, et al.), the result of either option is often a bit of a disaster: you get teen shows that ignore their moral responsibility and consequently teach/reinforce incredibly damaging and even dangerous ways of thinking, or you get teen shows that treat their audience like morons while preaching in an embarrassingly out-of-touch fashion. For this reason, I have rarely enjoyed shows targeted at young adult audiences (even when I was part of that demographic) and I normally avoid such programming. As such, I am not a connoisseur of teen shows, but of the ones I have indulged Teen Wolf is absolutely the standout, not only for just getting me on pretty much every socio-political and entertainment level available, but for the attitude it takes toward that aforementioned target audience: specifically, how very in-tune it is with the way the demographic thinks and acts.

Whether a bad teen-targeted show is of the morally-irresponsible kind or the morally-preachy kind, the core problem is the same: they promote shame. It might be shame in the form of peer pressure, encouraging wild, foolish, and inconsiderate behaviour because ‘that’s what teens are like’ and making their young impressionable audience feel like weird losers if they don’t mirror the actions and attitudes depicted on their favourite shows, or it might be shame in the form of heavy-handed judgment, the idea that any experimentation or pushing at the borders of authority are absolutely BAD AWFUL things that only BAD AWFUL people do. For Teen Wolf, being in-tune with the audience means understanding that there are certain things that teenagers are extremely likely to do regardless of whether they have permission, and approaching those things as part of the audience’s reality within that spirit of understanding, focusing not on shame but rather on promoting positive and responsible behaviour. It’s really not rocket science, but somehow it’s still a wonderful anomaly. Instead of depicting teen sex as a taboo or a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t world full of dirty sluts and naive virgins, Teen Wolf is sex positive, even-handed across the spectrum of sexual activity and promoting enthusiastic consent and open discussion of boundaries. Instead of depicting teen drinking as either the worst of crimes or a guaranteed gateway to regrettable actions or something you just gotta do in order to have fun and fit in, Teen Wolf encourages making your own decisions for your own reasons, and watching out for your friends to make sure everyone gets home safe. It certainly doesn’t depict a conflict-free world where no one ever makes a bad choice or does anything stupid or selfish; it just doesn’t approach normal human behaviour with an air of judgment. There’s just no shame.

What makes this really significant is that it’s part and parcel of the whole acceptance ethos: it’s not just werewolf metaphors or telling kids that gay is ok. In order to really craft a message about not feeling ashamed to be who you are and how you are, you need to let the message touch all parts of the story, and all parts of the character’s lives, not just the big obvious points of contention. It’s a great way to be morally responsible with your impressionable audience without getting preachy and trying to tell them how to live: just encourage them to be considerate and wise about their choices by showing them how it’s beneficial for everyone, demonstrate, don’t just tell. Not rocket science at all. The other thing is that it really doesn’t need to be thought of as a ‘lesson’ at all; it’s just people being depicted in a non-judgmental fashion as they try their best to do the right thing in whatever situations they encounter. Sometimes they mess up, and sometimes they repeat mistakes, and sometimes they get overwhelmed, but they’re trying and they’re growing as people, and that’s the best you can ask of anyone, whether they’re supernatural teenagers on a tv show or not. Really, it’d be nice if more entertainment media spared a thought to reinforcing fundamental moral principles in their everyday content, because the world sure as Hell is full of maladjusted adults who are still absorbing and entrenching bad attitudes normalised in their television consumption. There’s no reason we should only expect this level of attentiveness from stories aimed at young people. That said, if this show were not targeted at young adults, it probably also wouldn’t be as good, because the reality is that the majority of ‘grown-up’ programming makes little to no effort to challenge the perceived social status quo. We’re probably lucky they kept the teen part of Teen Wolf when they adapted this story for television (the original 1985 film of the same name is NOT progressive or accepting, and I can’t recommend it - the show kept mercifully little beyond the basic idea of a teenage werewolf).

What Teen Wolf has done - and certainly not by accident - is create an entertaining safe space. For all that Beacon Hills is full of supernatural horror and grisly murders and nightmare fuel and sometimes, straight-up Nazi ideology, on an individual personal level it is a place without shame, a place where even when the characters feel backed into a corner with no good options, we can see that they have support, they have friends and family and slightly-nutty lacrosse coaches who have got their backs in a crisis, they have intelligence and skills and the hard-won knowledge of experience that will help them find a way; there is always an element of virtue shining within every moment. They still feel desperate sometimes, and hopeless, and alone. There are still a lot of bad things in their world, and sometimes that stuff is too big and too terrifying to bear, and the real world is like that too. You don’t have to be a teenager - or a werewolf - for that struggle to resonate, and you certainly don’t have to be either of those things in order to value a fiction in which being judged, marginalised, or mistreated for being the way you are is not a concern you have to add to your roster of ills. There are plenty enough terrible things in the world still, and sometimes what we really need is a little space to believe that there’s some inherent good left, too. Even if no problem is ever completely fixed, even if there will always be hate and evil and horror out there, waiting. You are valuable as you are, and someone’s gonna have your back. 

This is exactly the context in which Scott utters that final triumphant line “You’re not a monster, you’re a werewolf. Like me”, echoing that same thing he told Liam when he was miserable and afraid of what he had become and what it would mean for his life. It’s a sentiment that Scott earned from his own misery, his own fear, his own battle with having his life upended irreparably against his will. Scott is being for the new generation what no one was for him; he’s taking his hardships and forging them into a lifeline for those who come after, so that they don’t have to struggle as hard as he did. He’s doing better, one step, one person at a time. The parallel there isn’t hard to draw; the affirmation can’t get any clearer. You can’t have real representation - on any level - if you don’t have unconditional acceptance, and you can’t have unconditional acceptance if you don’t let the demonstration of it permeate your narrative. You can’t just say it. You have to be the change you want to see in the world. Unlikely as it might seem, schlocky and silly as this show was with its Steampunk doctors and Demon wolves and mountain aaaaassshhh, it was also a show dedicated to demonstrating - in varied and delightful detail - the kind of young people it hoped to be reflecting as they stepped out into adulthood. It’s easy to be cynical about that, but it isn’t useful, and there’s a kind of shame wrapped up in cynicism. Teen Wolf, to its utmost credit, was always far too busy embracing its own quirks to ever let cynicism in. I miss it already.

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

What’s your impossible?

1:06pm

So, like literally for the past month or so I’ve been without a job. I didn’t want to go back to being overworked at BigLotto where they overworked cause I didn’t set any boundaries on what I would and would not do or when I didn't want to be on shift. Because I was desperate. 

And looking back...thats kinda how I was with my relationships and friends. It was nice being reassured to give my all to someone or something, but still it wasn’t enough because what I was doing for that job, that person...I wasn’t officially happy with it. I was ok. I just kept saying “I’m ok”

But I’m not. I said I could handle it, and even at the retail jobs I worked for minimum wage, I was ok with getting some amount of money. It was as if as long as I’m getting paid for it and I get time off, we cool.

But, I've been doing that for the past five years....

I had no idea I had been doing customer service for that long until I had to redo my resume one good time.

I was like fuckkkkkkk, bitchhhhhhhhh.

We need to change. I can’t live off of retail jobs. My back hurts enough as it is.

So then my mom and dad has been pushing me to “go corporate, go corporate” cause that’s what they have been living off of to support my family. Corporate salary jobs or managing auto factory lines. 

Sorta like get in where you fit in.

But as I’m scrolling through these jobs.....most of these corporate propaganda jobs I don’t really care about. They’re fucking boring. I’m just looking for something that doesn’t tire me, stress me out with bullshit, something that I’m ok with getting paid for, and pays me well so I can buy my loft that I always dreamed of getting. You know..consistent money.

And then I watch this guys TedX after I searched on YouTube “how to find a longterm full-time job to commit to?” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpe-LKn-4gM “How to find and do work you love by Scott Dinsmore.

I thought wow, great excellent speech, great pointers. I even took notes. 

But then I thought “how am I gonna get my loft by doing a community garden, building houses, making organic goat soap and milk, raising chickens, making an urban farm, building cheap, portable housing for the homeless, cbd, singing and writing music, traveling to other countries, teaching art classes, teaching therapy sessions, helping animals, building art installations, dancing/singing theatre, party planning, organizing community events/cultural festivals, inspiring others to think healthy, positive thoughts, design clothes, paint masterpieces, building art installations, blowing glass, welding metal, making pottery and windows, constructing furniture, build a cafe, make an adult playground, marriage counseling, and selling therapy bible study books out my renovated living van?” 

“I’ll probably need a lot of money to start?”

He asked what inspires you and a lot of shit came up....sorry.

He said “What do you think is your impossible? Push past that limit. What do you think you can't do? What did others say you couldn’t do?”

And then I just thought “Bitch, just pick some fucking baby steps. You do too much.”

I’ll probably have to live on some lady’s farm in Oregon to learn how to raise chickens and goats Lol. But if that’s what it takes, so be it.

Better than climbing up a corporate job ladder to be a marketing manager about products that actually hurt people. I hate sales and I hate being forced to put a smile on for shit I don’t care about. 

It’s like when mom used to make me wash dishes and ask, “You got a problem?” 

No, I just don’t see how me cleaning up after you and your kids because I live here is supposed to help me grow into an independent adult. I told you I wasn’t thinking about kids at age 12, so why start now?

“Shut up and fix your face.”

Nahhh....I think I’ll start somewhere else Corporate America. I need a job that’s gonna teach me how to accomplish my dreams. Not keep me down to where I can’t make them happen on the weekend because of my 40 hours a week of boring. Sorry, its just not for me.

I would rather live in a cabin in the woods than to force myself to care about something that isn’t for me or that Im just “ok” with.

I never truly understood why mom would come home so pissed and frustrated at me about her job. But then I realized, she had me at 22 during her last year in college, didn’t want to tell her job that she had a kid, but was a factory supervisor for years while we were in Florida. And then they closed the plant and she had to move to Mississippi. She was depressed and I didn’t know it. She would always tell me “Sometimes you gotta do things you don’t wanna do.” 

After she told me her job made her depressed, I said “then why work there?”

She said “dont you want me keep buying all those new clothes and games?” 

I said “I’d rather see you happy, than depressed, sad and upset. I don’t care about those things. Cause You’re more important to me.”

And then she quit.

Pray for me y'all. I don’t wanna go down that path my momma went down until it was too late.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

Hi! I was wondering if I could ask for some advice with a friendship… I’ve been very close friends with this person for roughly 5-ish years now; it’s a friendship based on shared interests and mental health issues tbh, because we met over the net and I think the point where we actually became very close was when she told me about how she was struggling with depression. I was having trouble with anxiety myself at the time so I tried my best to support her, and later in our friendship, she told me how happy she was at the time. She said that because her parents don’t understand mental illness, she never had anybody to validate her feelings before we started talking about them. Anyway I wouldn’t say that mental health is like, the foundation of our friendship or anything, but it has continued to have a big part in our conversations in the years since then, and I’ve recently started to grapple with this ugly feeling that after five years of it I no longer know what to do for her? Like…I do understand that it’s not my job to be her therapist and that there isn’t any treatment I can offer, but she’s been doing especially badly since covid hit and when she vents about her troubles, I do need to respond somehow. It hurts because she’s in a lot of pain but there’s nothing I can do and “it’s ok to not be ok; I’m here for you if you need me; you’re not worthless; your feelings or valid” seems useless by now when I’ve already said the same things so many times. But idk how else to respond when she’s making suicide jokes that are clearly about actual suicidal ideation, has constant horrible revelations about buried childhood trauma, talks about her lack of a support system at home and scary things her therapist tells her every other week, etc. This probably sounds really hateful but I just want to clarify that I don’t mean it to be; I know that objectively, her life so far has been horrible and all the feelings she expresses are valid ways to feel about it. I just feel so helpless because the information keeps coming in but there’s nothing I can do. I *think* part of the problem is that I’ve never once set any sort of boundary when it comes to talking about stuff like this, but the thing is, it’s been 5 years…at this point, I’m not sure where to start. I’m worried she’d take it the wrong way and feel like I’ve decided she’s “too much” for me if I randomly bring it up. Also while it *could* just be me inflating my role in her life, I do feel concerned about potentially cutting off one of her few sources of emotional support? We live in entirely different countries so I never see how she operates in daily life…I know her family is not supportive at all and that her parents border on emotionally abusive, but have no clue how much contact she has with any other people rn or whether she talks about her troubles with anybody other than her therapist…and while conversations about her mental health are stressful, I also feel worried when I *don’t* know what’s happening on her end. I worry she might just bottle it all up (because she does have a tendency to do that) and then she’ll end up doing something reckless. Tl;dr…do you think there’s any way I could lay down some sort of boundary without hurting her? Or is there anything else I could do that might help? (This turned into a bit of a rant, sorry for how long it is and thank you so much for taking the time to read it! It helped so much just to write it down and get the thoughts out of my system, and reading this blog in general made me feel a lot calmer. You guys respond so kindly to everybody. Again, thanks so much for doing this! <3)

hey there, omg no don’t apologise it’s all cool :* I’m glad writing this all out has helped, writing / journaling is sometimes more therapeutic than people give it credit for.  

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head on quite a few points, especially on not previously setting boundaries, and on feeling helpless too. I know I often say things like “it’s ok to not be ok, tell your friend you’re there for them” etc, but I completely understand how that might start to lose some of its authenticity if you’ve had to say it many times before. friendships are complex! even though I agree (and have said myself) that it’s not the role of you as a friend to also double up as a therapist, at the same time you can’t just ignore what a friend has said. I also think that your concerns of her bottling up emotions and doing something reckless as a result of that is valid, and will complicate things a little. 

is it an option to suggest for her to get a new therapist? a therapist shouldn’t be scaring their patients! :( yes a therapist might put forward ideas that are intimidating (changing behaviours, confronting trauma etc) but they should be there to support their patient, and it shouldn’t feel ‘scary’ overall. they also shouldn’t be saying/doing things that scare someone every other week, that’s not healthy or helpful. is your friend aware of the possible negative impact her therapist is having on her, would she be open to the idea of looking for someone new? I know there can be accessibility / financial obstacles to factor in, but if there is any option for your friend to find a new therapist that could be something to talk with her about. 

there is one clear boundary you can set though, and that’s jokes around suicide / suicide ideation. if that’s her personal way of coping then that’s fine? but you absolutely have every right to ask her not to make comments like that around you if it makes you feel uncomfortable or anxious or on edge. I doubt she’s doing anything intentionally! if that’s the case though then she’s almost certain not to be aware of any negative impact it’s having on you. 

honestly, I think the best you can do is keep encouraging her to seek professional help, and for her to be as open as possible with her therapist. the website Psychology Today (uk / usa / australia / canada) could be useful in finding a new therapist? she could maybe look at contacting her local youth centre and asking for info and resources as well, if that’s something that could help.

how to talk about all of this with her though, the idea of possibly suggesting a new therapist and setting a few boundaries? it’s a conversation that might need a bit of planning beforehand, even if it’s just rough idea in bullet-point form. you could let her know that you care about her a lot but jokes suicide / suicide ideation aren’t helpful for you to hear -- stress that you’re not trying to make her feel bad and that you know it’s not intentional, but that you just wanna make her aware of it. mention that you love and care about her a lot! but that there are limits to what you can help with, and conversations around resurfaced childhood trauma might be best talked about with her therapist. mention that this isn’t you abandoning her or anything, that she can always talk to you? however you feel a little helpless in the face of all her troubles and concerns, and that you just want her to have the best care and support possible.

it’s not going to be an easy conversation to have, but it’s absolutely a necessary one. as long as you make sure to stress that you really do love her and care about her a lot, she hopefully won’t get too defensive or upset. you maybe might need to give the friendship a bit of extra attention (eg. starting conversations first, asking how she’s doing etc) to show that you really did mean it when you say you cared about her :* actions speak louder than words sometimes, and if she can see that you’re still dedicating time and energy to the friendship then it could help to mitigate the risk of her doing something reckless. good luck friend, I hope the conversation with her goes alright xxx

- tash

[unicornnipps]

Boundaries

In this chapter I'm currently in, I am learning the importance of boundaries. 

I am watching my go with the flow attitude destroy me. okay, im being very dramatic. its just I’m getting to watch how every aspect in my life is going to shit from a ridiculous amount of things. 2021, I just hope I can get my shit together and really learn better how to adult. 

Working around 40 hours a week as a waitress, during a pandemic in the tristate area is draining, and while the money is great and I can sustain my lifestyle which is heavy on the “treat yo self” steez, I cant help but wonder what if I cut back my time with this company and really focus on MYSELF for once as an adult? Falling in love with fitness and wanting a healthier lifestyle for myself truly makes me happy. However, my large workload and stressful work life/environment is getting in the way of me being as great as I can be. (this is almost an excuse actually).

My love life is I would say almost toxic since I cant set and stick to clear normal boundaries. I enjoy spending soooo much time with my boo, but we are definitely still in the honeymoon stage... hell can I even call It that?(we’re only “dating” which I don’t think is a relationship although somethings we do are almost indistinguishable). The problem is NOT that we’re spending too much time together, but I think it's that we are spending too much time together consecutively. It’s healthy to have ME time. Its healthy to have time with your friends. We definitely have time to ourselves and to blossom with our friends but I guess maybe im nervous that he will get tired of me? Or maybe its that I don’t want him to learn the real me too soon and think it's just too much to deal with. i’ve been fairly transparent around him and at times emotional as fuck. I think some time apart and setting a boundary such as limiting the time we spend together a week might help me. I can see myself growing with him, I just dont want to grow too fast like previous relationships and crash and burn.

ok back to my boundary dilemma.

Perhaps I could set a schedule for my waitressing job, like thurs-sun 4pm-cl (which would almost halfway cut my hours and stress) and maybe get a regular job mon-wed like at Starbucks or some shit. I would like to start getting my life together and on track... eventually looking back into school, and living a healthier life physically and mentally. 

I think me making this post is a super wake up call to myself. I want to be better. I am not as satisfied as I could be. Day in and day out im thinking of what I can do and change to make It just a little better.... cheers to a new Opportunity to do better tomorrow.

[cookehenry90]

Reiki Therapy How It Works Top Useful Ideas

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Reiki Therapy In Bangalore

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Reiki Queens Ny

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[outlyingthoughts]

Trapped in a carnival: Feb 19

According to the Oxford reference definition, a carnival is : “a social expression that often subverts and parodies the conventions of society. Such subversion, parody, and satire, when applied to other realms of everyday life such as literature, is sometimes called ‘carnivalesque’. It exposes and mocks the flawed practices and decrees of officialdom”.

Costumed festivities are and have been a recurrent pattern in innumerable cultures across the globe. Whether it is the Catholic carnival or the Halloween tradition in the english-speaking world (derived from the pageant celebrations of the Gaelic Samhain Eve festival), it appears that costuming is part of basic human traditions and behaviors, regardless of cultures, ages and places.

Couples days ago, my friends and I were about to attend a themed party (basic human behavior remember?). Angels and demons. After agreeing that we’d go all together, we quickly started to rack our brains, trying to figure out how we would dress up for the event and we settled for matching outfits.

A friend and I ended up twinning as demons, both of us wearing bodysuits with coordinated colors. red and black. Hellish colors for what we expected would be hell of a night. But when I got my bodysuit out of the mail, questions were raised. As I tried it on for the first time with two friends, one had a knee-jerk reaction to it, stating that it was a lot and that she wouldn’t be comfortable wearing it. The other one’s opinion was in between, liking the outfit but also unsure about the revealing features of the bodysuit.

Revealing, indeed it was. A red laced V-neck, leaving little room for mystery. And even though questions started to build up into a debate within my styling crew (isn’t that what friends are?) on whether I should pull it off or not, one part of me was clinging onto the idea of wearing it. As I slipped into the bodysuit, I also slipped into the character, making me out of the sudden both emboldened and confident. Frustrating it would have been to not wear it.

Women bodies have always been pointed out as fruits of sin, and this idea is somehow anchored in most of human cultures for a reason I still haven’t figured out. As early as the metaphor of Adam and Eve, women have been branded with the symbolism of temptation but also as temptations themselves. We have been directed by patriarchal society to hide our bodies, one way or another, and throughout history to remain pure: putting on us men’s faults, weaknesses and inability to control their desires and blaming the victims.

As much as desires are also part of basic human behaviors, they are also a peculiar craft of our own. Shaped and reshaped during our entire socialization, they are mirrors molded in the cultures we live in. Human desires are inherently artificial, they are not biological needs and are rarely fulfilled for the sake of specie survival.

Thus the idea of lack of agency regarding one’s desires and the debate on one’s responsibility over her/his desire is a crucial concept. Researches have been and are still conducted to analyze the human brain and its reactions. The results of the first studies of that kind had serious legal implications as law solely relies on them to prove that humans are physically able to control their desires, thus legally binding them for their voluntary and conscious choice to commit an offense or a crime in the pulse of a desire. Such studies highlighted the fact, that it is possible for any mentally healthy human to control its desires and react to them according to her/his will.

Based on this, the almost automatic societal response consisting in blaming male’s lack of control and agency towards their sexual desire over women’s behavior and appearance comes as a proof of the normalization of what I consider a deviant behavior that men are socialized to interpret as normal or at least something they shouldn’t be held responsible for. Funnily enough, throughout history, those same men claimed that women had no will of their own and thus shouldn’t study, vote, work on their own, meaning shouldn’t be responsible of their own lives. For centuries, we have been handled by our fathers, husbands or literally any chromosome Y bearing person on earth, the very same that are rarely held accountable for their abnormal desire-led behaviors while putting a stereotype of irresponsibility on women.

Without meaning to, my red laced top was thrown in the middle of an everlasting debate: should I censor myself or be blamed for other people’s voluntary sexualization of my body ? A lot of weight on the shoulders of an eighteen years old girl who just wanted to party with her friends. As one part of me craved to rock my very own forbidden fruit as I felt enbolded in it and it had been praised by all my very feminist and politically aware friends, the other part of me held all the negative remarks, feeling guilty just at the thought of wearing it, as it would make me the prey of male gaze. If I listened to the remarks I got, by dressing up in such ways I’d justify or worst encourage the behavior I was denouncing earlier. To sum up, I’d become another blamable temptation. This highlights how we still live in a patriarchal society in which the rape culture is still a burning reality, where sexualizing women’s bodies regardless of the context or their intent is still the norm.

After dwelling on whether I should or not wear it, I went against my doubts and decided that I’d wear it for several reasons. Firstly, I know for a fact that if you are going to be sexually harassed or aggressed, the way you dress is just a mere excuse for the aggressor. Hiding behind clothes branded as « safe » isn’t 1) a solution for the societal issue behind the debate 2) going to prevent the person whose mind is set on agressing you from agressing you. It simply strips you from your freedom to dress accordingly to your own will, and that is a fundamental freedom for women. That day, I decided to not let male gaze or any normative patriarchal discourse prevent me from exercising this freedom that has been given to me through the fights of generations and generations of women.

As for the “reputation” side of dressing up in such ways, I sent out to our main groupchat the following text: «so I’m gonna go like that (insert picture) to Angel and Demons, so if you wanna gossip about it, you can start now, because people will see my nipples and I don’t care, if anyone pisses me off, I’ll tell them not to look at me, it’s not my problem if people choose to sexualize a part of my body that is not sexualized on men». I did not want to let slut-shaming get in my way, and quite frankly it’s 2019, if you put words and meaning behind appearances and acts, there is little harm possible to your “reputation”. Everybody understood and accepted my decision, my incentives were praised and others girls told me they had also decided to dress up in -what could be branded- a “scandalous” way. Being mainly surrounded by male friends that are aware of how flawed our society is in terms of sexism and aspire to participate along the side of women in the making of new norms, they also supported my choice of wearing my red bodysuit and I was, then, 200% sold.

From the moment I posted that text until the day of the event, everything went great, people might have been bad mouthing me but for all I knew and I cared, my friends supported me and the party turned out to be a fun event and we danced the night away. I don’t know if it is that I’m surrounded by an amazing community or that I simply got lucky, but no one harmed me, looked at me intensely in that threatening sexual manner that too many of us know. I tried to limit the spread on social media of pictures from that night to websites where I could control them. Yet to be honest, as soon we accept to take pictures or go out in our everyday life, we accept that anyone can find, keep and spread later images of us in public spaces. This bodysuit debate made me come up with a guideline of only wearing and doing things I would and will still be ok with being seen and posted in a twenty years time. This oversharing and ineffaceability that characterizes the internet created something that most of my friends and I have integrated. Living in an overconnected world and planning to have thriving careers, we owe it to our success to own and control every single word, act and image of us that could be, in this digital age, used against us.

But here again, I would willingly show these pictures to my children, and if I ever get lucky enough I’d be proud to explain my decision of wearing such revealing piece of clothing to who ever would try to minimize my professional legitimacy or who I am to a simply piece of scarlet lace. Because that is something that needs to be reiterated, the world has to stop associating women’s worth to their appearance. I find it increasingly shocking as days pass by that a woman can be denigrated on the basis of her clothing only because people have crossed boundaries and sexualized parts of her body regardless of whether she meant or not to sexualize her outfit. I could go on and on about Instagram’s policy regarding the ban women’s nipple while male nipples are seen as non harming to/by the Instagram community, or even something as innocent as hairstyles in the professional life (the fact that black women are often facing troubles within the corporate context because most of our natural hairstyles are considered to be unprofessional or unfit to someone holding a high position in hierarchy): it appears that women’s bodies have been institutionalized as a danger to human kind requiring to be tamed or hidden.

Meanwhile, few days after the Angels and Demons night, one of my relatives called me, fuming after seeing pictures from the party. He said he was ashamed of me, of seeing me dressed up like this, in a way he considered indecent.

But whether it is or not indecent, little do I care. The problem with “indecency” or such terms is that they are socially constructed and vary according to time periods and cultures. One part of me has understood through socialization that indeed nudity or partially nudity is indecent/deviant, abnormal/illegal in public, which makes me understand his point of view and shock, but then another other one looks at #freethenipple movements and many others, that argue that what makes women’s breasts or part of them indecent today is the tradition of blatant sexualization of women’s bodies throughout ages. In my relative’s argumentation, it appeared that a huge part of the issue to him was the vision people would have of me, that men already “disrespect women but that it’d be worst” if people associated me to that lacy scandal. He professed that I’d only meet ‘bad men’ and have a bad reputation if I kept up with that attitude.

And I was shook to my very core.

There was something extremely primitive and backward to his arguments. While I could understand his views on decency, the fact that he supported them using patriarchal clichés, implying that if I hooked up with men and dressed in a provocative way, I could/would only be passivily used by men. Through his speech, he took from me any kind of control over my sexuality or room for my own desires as he was describing the “consequences” of appearing in public in such ways.

This made me realize how women’s desires are often suppressed or disregarded from mainstream discourses and ideas but also the way I was educated by my atheist so-called progressive left leaning family. Within my family context, female sexuality was solely addressed in the context of informing us about sexual reproduction -which I already feel very lucky I received because there is an unbelievable number of women on earth who are not taught about their own selves, thus lacking of any resources to learn how to protect themselves and their sexual life-. But never has any adult throughout my teenage years addressed what pleasure was. Not in sex ed class, not in a family talk on sexuality, never.  The thing is that along with not owning the sexualization of our bodies or the link between our reputations and appearance, society also expected us to be hidden whores. You’re expected to meet patriarchal expectations, be a sexual being (remember our bodies throw men “out of control and responsibility”!) but you can’t explore it on your own  (outside of a normative heterosexual monogamous exclusive relationship) without being discredited, stigmatized as being a slut or deviant.

As such my relative was afraid that my reputation as a woman (supposed to have standards) would be jeopardiwed because I’d be associated with a provocative piece of clothing suggesting that I’m not a hidden whore but an public one. It felt like he thought I couldn’t afford to not be respectable based on men judgement and standards. Then he suggested that my outfits would increase the chances of me of getting raped or sexually harassed and it felt like he was just re-assessing the entire sexist dynamic of our society: instead of normalizing women’s ability to dispose of and expose their body in the way they want to, it just slut-shames them into covering their body parts.

By saying that he was ashamed, he associated my clothing to a certain type of behavior that he then judged and shamed. Adding to the fact that it is inherently wrong to “judge a book by its cover”, it just shows how even people that know you rarely dissociate people from their appearances and tend to easily forget your initial worth when they interpret negatively the symbolism in your clothing. As he normalized through his discourse the minimization of women to their appearance and legitimized through his meant-to-be educational advices that women are treated and seen as if they were as shallow as the layers they coat themselves into, I felt hurt. Without meaning to, he still suggested that I was acting like a whore. As hurt as I was, still I knew.

I knew that I had slipped into my stigmatizing scarlet bodysuit just the time of a night and I wouldn’t let myself become my carnival costume. And so no matter how bad I felt, I decided that I’d keep on dressing up the way I wanted to. One day this relative might tell me off again and I’ll tell him: I won’t reduce all my intelligence, experiences, dreams and expectations to the way I appear to people that are -sorry if I cross anyone- stupid enough to judge me only in the context of a themed party and choose to ignore the multiple layers a human being can have.