#its only 7pm but i should sleep

[dr-gears-kin]

As much as I love watching films, my brain can't help but pick out details and memorize them for later use. For example, while watching Barbie, I have memorized all details I found anomalous in some way and am now fixated on writing a Barbie SCP article and Special containment procedures, and the part of me that enjoys creative writing says yes. However, I am not in the mood, which is now making me feel as if I am lazy and unproductive.

[newtness532]

im awake so i guess i should probably go to uni?

[diobrando]

why does it feel like its 11pm rn whadda hell

[steddiehasmywholeheart]

Just thinking about an no-Upside Down au. Teacher!Steve, escort!eddie, SFW, both mid-twenties. Never met Eddie.

Steve has trauma from the way his parents treated him, and nightmares from the mall fire he was in. He usually manages this by hanging out with Robin and having sleepovers once or twice every week as long as she's single, or her coming over for evenings and keeping him safe for a few hours while he naps. It's not the best sleep in the world, but it gets him by.

But then one day, he realises she's going on holiday. For 2 weeks. And he has no idea how he's going to sleep. He can't won't take any medication because of a bad experience, and nothing but someone he trusts being there ever helps him get a good night's sleep. Even if he tried to get a casual fuck over the weekend, the chances are he'll have a nightmare and scare the shit out of them. That's happened one too many times and he refuses to do that again.

He's watching TV one night when the characters on screen start talking about escorts, and suddenly, the idea doesn't seem too crazy. Fast forward a few days, and after a lot of research, he finds himself making the call. He knows it's a lot of money, especially on his salary, but if it helps, it helps, and he knows he hates going a week without some decent sleep, let alone 2. He's bound to get a migraine, and he can't afford to miss work for that.

So, he books in with a male escort, voice shaking and hands sweating, but determined all the same. It's his only hope of surviving.

The week Robin leaves is exactly as hard as he expects it to be, and by Friday he's almost too tired to be nervous. But when he gets home from work and showers, some jitters return, getting much stronger when there's a knock at his door, 7pm sharp.

The guy standing on the other side of the door is utterly gorgeous. Tattoos, leather jacket, messy long black hair, and just a hint of a self-confident swagger that Steve is sure he's muting in an attempt to be professional. Steve just stands there, trying not to let his jaw hit the floor or his eyes pop out of his head. The guy's - Eddie's - smile, isn't helping.

Initially, Eddie flirts a little, trying to put Steve at ease. And it should work. But for some reason, it doesn't. Maybe it's because this is a guy that Steve would fuck, but tonight, he just needs to sleep, and somehow that feels even more vulnerable. But Eddie quickly picks up on it and backs off, talking to him in a soothing tone, and Steve quickly feels himself unspooling, settling into having Eddie in his space.

The rest of the night passes easily. They eat takeout, chill on the sofa, chat, and before Steve knows it, it's 10pm and Steve's eyes are burning. Eddie just lets the conversation settle, smiling gently and letting Steve make the first move. Letting Steve know he's still in control.

Its nerve wracking to go through his evening routine with a stranger he's paying to be there (though for what he still hasn't decided. He'd told the agency cuddling, but that seemed such a big ask right now), waiting in his bedroom for him, but Eddie makes that easier once again. When Steve emerges from the bathroom, he's met with his metal attire neatly folded on a chair, wild hair now tied up in a messy bun, and the man himself in sausage dog covered pjs. He can't help but laugh, Eddie's triumphant grin sending flutters through him.

They settle into bed, and Eddie does ask what Steve wants, but the words don't come. So, Eddie just holds his arms out, and with Steve's consent, gently guides him into his chest. His large, warm, safe chest.

For the briefest moment, Steve remains tense, breath not coming as easily as he'd like. But then he's melting, fingers curling into Eddie's soft pj top, a sound dangerously close to a whimper threatening to crawl up his throat. And Eddie just holds him tighter (though not too tight), murmuring softly in his ear, his voice low and ever so slightly raspy, sending shivers down his spine.

Steve doesn't want it to end. It's perfect. With Robin gone, he hasn't been touched intentionally in a week, and even before that, it's more likely that they're sitting on each other's laps or something. He can't remember the last time he was just held.

"Easy, big boy, I've got you," Eddie murmurs as Steve clutches onto Eddie's shirt even more tightly. "I'm not going anywhere."

He knows he's delusional from the lack of sleep, because right before he drifts off, he thinks he can hear real concern and care in Eddie's voice.

[pixelyssa]

★彡 reanswering an old ask below:

as a high r3str1cter here’s what i do:

★彡DRY F4ST!NG: 7pm-11am (i have water/meds/gum only if necessary)

It is beneficial when done for 16+ hours. and the best part is we do it in our sleep every night! 

dry means no f00d, no water. since starting this, i’ve noticed less bloating, my “morning sk1nny” lasts longer. i’ve gotten used to my dry f4st times and no longer overe@t at night, which also makes me feel good in the morning. I have acid reflux, and e@ting before bed triggers it. It also triggers, slower met@bolism, difficulty digesting and can disturb your sleep! So even if you aren’t comfortable dry f4sting before bed, atleast not having solid f00ds a couple hours before bed helps, and you will see/feel a difference.

If you tend to get cravings at night, this may be hard at first. here’s how i stopped mine:

(warning, im delulu hehe)

-i always remind myself how i feel after the fact. or the morning after. (guilty, embarrassed, weak) and eventually i was strong enough to let that feeling take over. 

-watch a mukbang or e4ting challenge for the f00d im craving and chugging water until im full lol

-i have insomnia so i have an as needed medication for sleep that knocks me out. if you also struggle to sleep, i def recommend finding ur cure. whether its rain sounds, complete darkness, shutting ur devices off, or melatonin (PRO TIP: do not buy melatonin gummies. Do not consume the 5mg or 10mg or 20mg supplements of melatonin. when our bodies lack melatonin, we only need .5mg MAX, which is sold in pill form or can be prescribed by your doctor! anything higher will just make you immune and it will stop working eventually, it also will make it difficult to get up in the morning.)

★彡COFFEE

-i drink coffee as soon as my dry fast ends. It suppresses my app3t1te for a while and it helps my bowels hehe (i also need the caffeine to get me through the day)

-i HATE black coffee, i prefer brown stevia and a splash of cream/almond milk. but whatever you like!

-i usually have 1-2 cups to start my day. 

-if you don’t like coffee, tea is also good. there are certain types that can do different things for you ofc, i like green tea for the caffeine and metabolism boost (same reason i drink coffee). but i’ve heard good things about ginger tea, mint tea, etc. (if youre a tea person i don’t need to even explain, you know.)

★彡SAVING C4L0RI3S 

-i try save them for the end of the day, that way when its dinner time and i’m hungry, I’m not feeling like i need to find something small to fit the rest of my lim1t. (the coffee helps with this step)

-i stay distracted and i really worked on self discipline to be able to get through this one lol.

★彡CHOOSE FILLING F00DS OVER FILLER F00DS

-for example, 2 oreos and juice is the same amount of c4lories as my chocolate chip pancakes r3cipe. cookies aren’t filling, you’ll just want more. theyre a filler. whereas 3 chocolate chip pancakes with berries and syrup is filling and satisfies the same craving. 

-if you like to use ur c4lories for snacks that’s completely fine, im not judging you <3 it just leads to overe@ting for me.

-i usually have 1 meal and 1-2 snacks throughout the day. I have my google doc link ready to go if anyone 18+ would like to see, comment and let me know youre of age and ill message u it (DONT DM ASKING I WONT SEE IT) <3

★彡M3TABOLISM DAYS

-by now you’ve probably heard the term “meta” or “metab” day. most people will do this once a week, it is basically where you spike your l1mit for the day. constantly lowering your intake will slow your metabolism and eventually you’ll start maintaining, or plateauing. This is to help boost your metab! Its also good for holidays, or days where you have plans involving f00d. It’s hard at first, but if you’ve been stuck at the same w3ight, its good to start doing this. 

-i do one once a week, but i’ve seen people do them in 10 day increments or even twice a month.

-a friend of mine told me metabolism days should be -200 of your bmr (you can calculate your bmr online) that would make my metab day l1mit around 800-900 c@l. (which is 300+ higher than my normal limit, incase you want to just add to your current intake instead of calculating your bmr) it should be a close to a “normal” l1mit. 

-there are chances of g4ining, of course, from metab days. don’t shy away from it if you feel too scared to g4in, this was my mistake and i was stuck at 102 for WAY TOO LONG. metab helped me break 100, and now im almost at my next goal. Metabolism days are for everyone, it’s not just sk1nny people who plateau and demolish their metabolisms. try it out, its a nice treat <3

★彡WATER INTAKE & VITAMINS

we should be drinking over 2L of water a day (you can google and calculate your specific amount needed per day, im just a girl) 

-drink your necessary amount THROUGHOUT THE DAY. it is sm water to have in one sitting so the only possible way to get it all in is to have it all day. tt’ll make you feel better too.

-this is something i struggle with, i just don’t enjoy water. I’m on and off with when i enjoy it and when i can’t get myself to drink it. If anyone else struggles, i’ve realized that ice cold water is easiest for me to drink.

-water gives the illusion of feeling full, it literally keeps you alive, and obviously sm more lol

-i take vitamin d, vitamin c, calcium and a women’s multi vitamin for metabolism every day. the water is important for helping my body absorb these. Look into other vitamins but these are what i take based on my deficiencies. 

-i take gummy vitamins, they have more c4lories than a pill, but its like a sweet treat after my meal so i’ll probably stick to gummies <3 make sure you chew them all the way through if you get these!

★彡IVE BEEN DOING THIS WAY TOO LONG Our b0dies are all different. what works for me might not work for you, and that’s fine, love! I’m sharing what i do because there is a lot of general knowledge in my routines, so i thought i’d share. 

[gardenofnoah]

it was never ending (pt. 1)

wc: 5.3k (pt. 1 only) tags (whole series): bakugou x reader, oc character death (not reader), grief, healing, found family, getting together, slow (medium?) burn, child rearing, descriptions of pregnancy, morning sickness, friends to lovers, confessions, eventual smut

notes: i've had the idea for this in my drafts for the last 82 years. i blacked out and wrote this whole thing in like 12 hours. fingers crossed for the same motivation demon to visit me in my sleep for part 2.

summary: when the father of your child passes away suddenly, you get by with a little help from your friends (and a really intense Bakugou).

There was a part of you that already knew, as soon as the phone rang. At 7pm, there was no reason to assume it wasn't benign, like your mother calling to confirm what you'd already told her you'd bring to brunch the following weekend.

It wasn't, though. You knew it wouldn't be.

The drive is something that happens to someone else. You see it in flashes. Distantly, you think that it's probably not safe, driving in this state with an infant in the backseat. But you don't really have another option—or at least not one that occurs to you.

A nurse—a young woman, who can't be any older than early twenties—meets you in the lobby. She's practiced in her stoicism. There is no forced smile, no apologies—just a quiet invitation to follow her. She leads you with a hand on your elbow, like she's expecting you, too, to collapse, down a series of hallways that you don't bother to notice. You wonder how long she's been doing this, and what the impact of it might be on someone so young.

A doctor is waiting for you in the room. He immediately launches into a lengthy, medical term-laden explanation of the two hours prior to your arrival. You hear none of it, and you're not even looking at him.

Behind him, a thin sheet covers the body of the father of the child in your arms.

-

You turn your phone off.

You have to, really. The barrage of well-intentioned but poorly timed (and often poorly worded) texts and calls and emails renders the thing unusable.

The number of days that've passed between today and the hospital are of little consequence to you. You've survived on autopilot for however many have passed but the bone-deep exhaustion you feel has spread deeper still. Through the wall, Kaede cries, but there's nothing left in you to get your body to move. Kaede, named so at her father's request.

She was an angry thing, born with no small amount of indignancy at the act of bringing her earthside, against her will. She was red and raging for the first several months of her life, and while it exhausted you, Takeshi had taken it in stride.

"My darling girl," you'd hear him through the monitor, cooing to your daughter as she pitched a fit for the umpteenth time that night, "it won't always be so bad."

How would you convince her of the truth in that now?

The sound of knuckles against your front door jars you out of your half-consciousness. It seems it's only a courtesy, though, because you hear it open immediately after. It dawns on you that you haven't thought to check if it was locked since you've been home. Regrettable, especially now. Some distant alarm ringing in your mind tells you that should be concerned that someone has just entered your home, but there's a wall up right now. In an effort to keep you safe, your brain has blocked out everything.

Through the wall, a voice coos to your daughter. You recognize it as Mina's, and you let out a quiet breath. You brain loosens its grasp for an instant and relief floods you. You'll get up and thank her, when you can.

There is a chorus of voices, telling you that there is more than one person in your house right now, but in the absence of a threat, your eyes flutter closed. The door to your bedroom opens, and you blink hard at the light that seeps in over the massive body in your doorway.

The door closes just as quickly, and in the darkness, the body moves around the room to the other side of the bed—the empty one. There is a weight—your body dips with it minutely, and then settles again. You close your eyes, this time to relieve the sting you feel for the first time since getting home. With another breathing body as its witness, the grief hits you so suddenly you can taste it.

"Katsuki," you whimper, feeling him at your back. Familiar arms reach for you, pull you in.

"Y'r alright," he murmurs, pressing the underside of his jaw into your hair. The pressure on all sides squeezes something loose in you. You suck in a gasping breath, and then it leaves you—broken apart and limp. He holds you while you cry—keeps you there, tethered only to him in this storm.

_

Once the hurt comes, it lingers.

You suppose you can be grateful for that. People do crazy things under the burden of pent up emotion, and you can't afford to come unglued. Not like that, anyway. But while grief pulls you apart in different directions, your friends flit around your peripheral. You'd feel guilty if you could—for not being able to do what you should be able to—but few things get past the mountain of mourning that keeps you pinned to your bed.

They seem to have worked out shifts among themselves. Mina in the morning to get Kaede up and fed, Kirishima and Denki in the evening to get her bathed and ready for bed. Izuku comes around most afternoons with rattle toys and books to keep her engaged, talking and playing to keep her brain developing in your absence. Shielding her from this.

Katsuki doesn't leave.

He sleeps on the couch. Or you assume he does—you've not ventured out of your bed for much of anything. He's in and out of your room during the day, always with little meals or water or reminding you to shower, to get up and walk around the room if you can. It's hard and you cry often, but right now he's not his brash, abrasive self. He's gentler than you've ever seen him, a hand at your back to steady you, his voice low and grounding.

Your relationship with Katsuki is complicated, but not in a bad way. You'd met him, along with the rest of the group, in college. The civilian track at UA landed you a cushy office job—one you promptly turned down due to Katsuki's outrage at you working anywhere that wasn't with him. He'd gotten you a job as a resource coordinator at Jeanist's agency—which was something you found you really enjoyed. Your quirk was less than impressive—similar to Shouto's but not nearly as powerful, you could really only bring tea just shy of a boil. It certainly wouldn't be saving anyone's life, but in this role, you could help. Displaced families needed temporary housing, victims of violence needed access to affordable counseling, the injured needed connected to hearing aids and wheelchairs and prosthetics, ongoing care.

It was hard work, but you felt a certain privilege in being the one to do it. It was an honor to walk along side someone in their most vulnerable moments, and you tried to do it with as much grace and compassion as you could. When Katsuki was big enough to start his own agency, you followed him there. He gave you room to grow, and now, you head a team of community crisis response workers.

You haven't thought about work since the hospital. It's fascinating, how quickly something that matters so deeply to you can leave your mind. Katsuki hasn't mentioned it—in fact, he's not said much of anything, aside from his quiet prompting every few hours. You know that he's only doing what seems so inherent to him, and if you had the energy to, you'd tell him to go home—to take a break. The energy isn't there, though—all you can do is follow his directives to keep yourself alive.

Katsuki has always been protective of you. You're not sure when it started. You'd always been drawn to him, and there was seldom a time when you were somewhere that he wasn't. Your mother took to making up the spare bed for him when you'd come home for weekends and holidays, because it was a guarantee that he'd follow you through the screen door like a shadow. In your third year, she started asking, not so in jest, when the wedding would be.

When you met Takeshi, it was a surprise to everyone. But he was kind, and personable, and the newly-pro heroes adopted him into the fold.

Takeshi knew what Katsuki meant to you, and you were grateful for his patience. While his relationship with you was neatly defined, a specific box in your heart with his name on it—Katsuki was not. He was in everything that you were, and it was something that Takeshi chose not to interfere with. You're certain it was difficult, but he took it in stride.

He really was a kind man.

Within a year of being together, you found out you were pregnant. It was a shock—but what news filled you with terror, Takeshi received with utter delight. You were only a year out of college and in no way financially stable, but his joy left an impression on you. With each day, your child grew, and so did your tentative excitement. Takeshi was through the roof—as were your heroes.

Katsuki was the one to figure it out first. You'd been absent from a few of the group's weekly dinners at the bar in town. When you finally showed up, dressed in a big hoodie that covered most of you, you'd politely declined all offers of beer and stuck to stealing fries off of his plate.

"You pregnant?" he'd asked, not bothering to lower his voice. You blinked up at him, caught of guard.

"I—uh. Yeah."

You could've heard a pin drop, with how silent the table had fallen. You lowered your eyes—uncomfortable, unsure how to proceed—and reached for another fry. Mina broke the silence first.

"Oh my god!" she'd shrieked, already in tears. The rest of your friends followed in suit, cheering and reaching for you across the table in some strange attempt at a hug, at comfort.

You'd looked back up to Katsuki, who'd been strangely quiet. His eyes held a question—something undeniably concerned.

"It's okay," you told him, smiling softly. Squeezing his knee under the table, you couldn't miss how tense the muscle felt under your hand. "Honest."

_

A month crawls by, and you find that you can't sleep in your bed anymore.

After a few, agonizing hours of tossing and turning, and pointedly avoiding the other side of the bed, enough is enough. You stumble in the dark to the living room, trying your hardest to be quiet. It's your sniffling that wakes him up.

"Y'alright?" slurred, endearing. It would make you smile if you weren't crying. You shake your head, though his eyes aren't open to see it.

"Move over," you whisper, already pulling the blanket out from under his hip. Katsuki shifts, rolling to his side and lifting an arm for you to slot yourself underneath.

His heart beat, steady and slow, taps against your temple. You close your eyes and imagine the shape of it—the chambers that expand and contract and keep him alive. The wave of gratitude is immense and sudden and brings another sting to your eyes.

He doesn't go back to sleep—you can tell by his breathing.

"I'm sorry," you whisper, watery and broken. The arm around your waist tightens.

"Enough." His voice is gravely with sleep, but that's not all that's there. There's an edge to it, and you know that he's worried. "Try t'sleep."

_

Takeshi had made it a habit to talk with Kaede before she was born.

Each night, he would shuffle down the bed and speak softly to your growing stomach, filling her in on the events of the day.

"We wanted to go on a picnic today, but you made your mother sick." He'd pat your belly, shaking his head with a tsk. "That wasn't very nice, little girl."

Pregnancy was hard. You'd wished to be like those women that glow—that love being pregnant, that feel all connected to their bodies and the earth and the universe and whatever—but it was awful. Your ankles swelled and your back ached and you were sick all of the time.

Takeshi worked a 9-5 job outside the city, so Katsuki would stop by to check on you. It became something like a routine. You'd spend all morning throwing up, and then Katsuki would stop by and spend most of the afternoon here, feeding you anti-nausea medication and small bites of food (you'd really only wanted toast, which would launch Katsuki into a several minute tirade about how you'd kill yourself and the baby if you didn't eat a god damned vegetable. This was also part of your routine).

Katsuki's quirk was surprisingly helpful. It took some convincing ("You're not going to fry the baby Katsuki, Jesus Christ,"), but you found that if you had a layer between you, his hands could act as a high-powered heating pad. He'd sit behind you on the floor, one hand on your lower back, the other scrolling through his phone. You'd keep your head between your knees to stave of the nausea.

"You nervous?"

It was the first time he'd really asked. You rested your cheek on your knee, looking back to catch the blonde spikes of his hair in your peripheral.

"Honestly? Yeah. Really nervous."

He'd hummed, something noncommittal and gruff. You let the silence stretch on for another moment before breaking it again.

"I'm worried I'm going to poop on the table."

He'd snorted, and you could feel the eye roll from behind you. "That's what y'r worried about?"

"I mean, yeah. And the possibility of irreparably fucking up my child, I guess."

He'd gone quiet again, and you'd let your eyes close. Content for the moment.

"You'll do fine," he'd said, too quiet for him. The heat spread wider, his other hand joining the first at the small of your back. Kneading softly. "Kid's got a good mom."

_

She sits in front of you now, her chunky legs kicking wildly inside the cloth seat of her jumper. You watch her little toes feel out the ridged bottom, curling around the textures. It might be the first time since Takeshi died that you have really spent time with your child.

Kaeda grunts around the teething ring in her mouth, gurgling happily as Mina sits next to her—pink fingers pressing light up buttons on the tray to catch your daughter's eye. It works for a few seconds, but you sniff, and Kaeda's eyes find you.

"Dah!" the teething ring goes flying as she reaches for you, her head not quite catching up to the jerky movements of her body.

You smile at her, and the stretch of it feels foreign. "Hi, my baby."

It's effort, but you stand, reaching to grab under her armpits and hoist her out of her seat. Her fingers tangle in the strands of your hair. She seems bigger—heavier than she was before. It makes your chest ache. She sits on your hip as you spin her slowly, a sort of sashay around the perimeter of the rug.

"My big girl. Have you had fun with Mina?"

Katsuki watches you with lazy interest from his spot on the couch. Mina immediately busies herself with another task—folding blankets, cleaning up toys. You don't waste your breath telling her she doesn't have to. You'd already tried once, and she waved you off like a pesky fly.

"I'm not doing this because I have to, honey," she reminded you, not bothering to look up from pulling clothes out of the washing machine. "I want to."

At seven months, Kaeda has started to crawl. Or, sort of. It's more like an army crawl, with her little legs propelling her, in a way, across the ground. She gets antsy in your arms, and fusses to be put down.

"I hear ya, I hear ya," you murmur softly, bending to guide her to the soft ground. "Go nuts."

She does, squirming her way across the rug—right to Katsuki. She reaches where his arm hangs over the edge of the couch—and gives it a good, solid smack, her little palm splayed open across his skin.

"What th—y'little brat—"

He peers over the couch at her, and she squeals, clearly enamored by the game she's forced him into. She tries it again—winds up, determined, with her arm up by her head—but he snatches it up before it lands. This time it's a screech that leaves her, all of the air pushed out of her lungs to make room for the belly laugh that she dissolves into when he makes a big show of eating her grubby little fingers.

It was never a surprise to you that Katsuki was so good with Kaede. It was unexpected, though, how much he wanted to be around her. You'd asked about it once, after spending several moments watching him carry her around like a football and seemingly enjoying it, and he'd only shrugged.

"She's cooler than you, so."

You'd laughed, only a little indignant, shoving him lightly. He'd hissed at you to be careful, don't you see the fuckin' baby here, which made you laugh harder. It was absurd, this wall of a man toting around a tiny, slobbering infant.

She was just as enamored with him. She would seek him out anytime he was in her line of vision, often fighting her way out of your grasp to get to him. It reminded you of the way cats seem to flock to the one person that doesn't like cats—she'd picked the meanest looking man in the room and latched on.

Like mother, like daughter, you suppose.

_

"Do you have a name picked out?"

It was late—your head hung off the edge of the bed, which seemed to be the only position that didn't send acid reflux straight up your throat, oddly enough. Takeshi sat up at the other end, your feet in his lap while he pressed his thumbs into the soles of them.

"No," you told him honestly, "truthfully, I'm drawing a blank."

He'd hummed, hands moving up to get at your swollen ankles. "What about Kaede?"

"Kaede," you rolled the syllables around in your mouth, testing the shape of it. It felt nice. "How come?"

"I just—want her to be strong." It was thoughtful as it left him, hanging around in the air above your heads. "I want her to be like a maple tree."

"Like a tree," you repeated dryly, making him snort.

"You know! Like, rooted and strong. But able to change and sway in the wind, all that."

"Wow," you breathed, smiling, "you are so corny."

He sputtered, trying to defend himself, "It's not corny—!"

"Alright, alright," you reached down to pat the duvet, trying to placate him from afar, "Kaede. I like it."

_

Katsuki was the first one in the room after Kaede was born.

It was—unconventional—and you were made well aware of that by the open gawking of the nurses, but Takeshi didn't mind. You felt some guilt, fueled by the reaction of those around you, and told him as much.

"I'll have the rest of my life to hold her," he'd said. "I'll go grab him."

How sad it was to remember that moment now.

You'd closed your eyes for only a moment before you were stirred by a familiar hand on the crown of your head. You'd blinked and were startled to find him visibly concerned.

"You look like shit," he'd said, tilting your head to each side, as if to check for injury. It made you smile.

"Yeah, well, you push a watermelon out of the smallest orifice in your body and let me know how you feel."

He'd gagged, which made you laugh, which hurt.

"Oh, don't do that," you exhaled, long and controlled, "Everything hurts."

He'd gone quiet for a moment, watching you shift and settle back into the bed, wires and leads twisting and clanging off the plastic railing.

"Y'r okay?"

It made you smile. "I am. She's so beautiful, Kat. I can almost forgive her for totally wrecking me on the way out."

As if on queue, the child in question let out a grunt from her spot in the little plastic cradle—moving like a grub, swaddled. He looked at you for another long moment before rising to see for himself. He stopped, too far from the crib, and bent at the waist for a better view. You snorted.

"You can get closer, Katsuki. It's fine."

Another step toward her and he'd stopped again, clearly maxed out on his own comfort. The smile pulled at your cheeks so tightly that it ached.

He looked back at you, and then again to her. It was comical, how fascinated he'd seemed by the tiny person in front of him. And then, over his shoulder—

"You shit the bed?"

You groaned, bringing your hand up to cover your face, mindful of the IV. "I think I did."

His laugh was a crackling thing, echoing around the sterile walls of your room, and Kaede didn't stir at all.

_

When you step foot outside, it's immediately apparent how long it'd been since you last did.

It's a sort of sensory overload—the bright light and the birds and the passing cars and the knowledge that someone has been keeping up with your lawn while you rotted away inside.

From the shaky lines that cut into the grass at odd angles, you have a hunch it was Denki.

Mina accompanies you to the mailbox, as requested. Her arm, strong and assuring, looped through yours as she all but drags you down the short drive to the edge of the road.

You open the box, and immediately shut it.

All of it is for Takeshi.

"Oh sh—sugar," Mina hisses, as if you were not an adult with a fully formed (and often colorful) vocabulary. "I'm sorry, babe. I didn't think about that."

You shake your head. It's an inevitable thing that you don't have the energy to waste the tears on. "Will you sit with me?"

You end up on the porch swing, the metal springs above your head creaking with each suspended shove of your toe off the porch. It's a nice day, you think, trying hard not to find that particularly egregious.

Inside, you hear the squeal of your daughter, followed by the grumbling of Katsuki. It sounds a bit like a lecture that Kaede seems to think is hilarious. Another laugh—this time Denki.

"I'm really glad you're all here," you say eventually, quiet under the buzz of the world around you. "I know it's hard to put your own lives on hold."

She reaches for you, threading your fingers together and pulling them into her lap. "It's not hard at all. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I know the boys feel the same."

You lean your head against her shoulder, the gentle swaying lulling you somewhere else—on a beach, maybe. With the wind in your hair and salt on your lips. Anywhere but the home that your child's dead father haunts.

"Has Bakugou left at all?"

You snort. "I don't think so."

She sighs, shaking her head. You can hear the smile in it. "He's a real mother hen, that one."

You smile, feeling fond. A mother hen, and your protector.

The breeze turns colder, and Mina shivers. You focus your quirk into the hand she holds—the first time you've used it in quite some time.

She sighs. "God, that's nice. Way better than Blasty's in there."

Her chin presses into the crown of your head when she opens her mouth to speak, and then closes it again. Suddenly she's a little tense, like she's trying to build up her nerve.

"You can say it," you offer gently.

"I was just wondering if you'd stay here."

You've thought about it. It's been hard not too, with the way you can barely get yourself to open your bedroom door at this point. You'd spent every night on the couch with Bakugou since that night.

"No." You speak quietly, as if it's a secret between you. It feels strange to say it out loud. You think, if Takeshi is lingering, you don't want him to hear this. "I just—I don't know where to go. We'd planned to raise her here."

Here, in the home that you love. In the home that you can't bear to spend one more night in.

"Did he have..." She trails off, reconsidering. "I mean, did you get a..."

"Yes," you say, already knowing what she's asking. "I was paid out last week. I put all of it away in an account for Kaede." You sigh, sitting up to straighten out the kink that now exists in your neck. "With my job, we're fine. It's more...the principle of the thing. This is her home."

Mina squeezes your hand gently. "She's a baby, honey. She won't remember it. This was your home."

You tilt your head back, willing away the sting of fresh tears and the irritation you feel at having done so well today until this point.

"Yeah," you sniff, closing your eyes, "it was."

_

Time passes in waves. Slowly, creeping, and then all at once.

The longer you're in the house, the more you realize you can't stay. You are certain of it, the first time you're left alone.

Katsuki had stepped out to grab dinner. You'd all but shoved him out the door, assuring him that you'd be fine for the 20 minutes it took to pick the food up.

"Y'need anything, you call." It was the fourth or fifth time he'd said it to you.

"Alright, alright," you tell him, trailing down the front steps behind him. "I will, I promise."

When you shut the door behind you again, there's a feeling of lethality to it—a debilitating silence that you haven't heard in four months.

You don't want to go any further into the house. You do, only to grab Kaede, and then you're right back outside. It starts to rain, and it feels fitting. You sit under the awning behind your daughter as she sticks her toes out into the drizzle, curling them with each drop that falls on her skin. You think about how overwhelming it must be as a baby—how new everything is.

It's less than 15 minutes later when Katsuki pulls into the driveway. He's out of his truck and in front of you in record time, frowning at you like he already knows something's wrong. Kaede reaches for him, and he scoops her up like it's muscle memory. He waits for you to talk. A moment passes.

"I can't be here anymore," you whisper, shaky. He looks at Kaede for a long moment, like she could have something offer on the topic.

"Alright," he says, reaching for the front door with his free hand, "pack a bag."

_

It takes you longer than you thought it would. You'll be back—you have to come back, because you can't take everything right now—but it feels final. The beginning of the true end. There's a framed picture of you and Takeshi at your baby shower on your nightstand. You consider taking it with you—instead, you turn it face down and move on.

By the time you manage to shove a hoodie, some shorts, a few pairs of underwear and your toiletries into a bag, Katsuki has already packed two bags for Kaede and put her in her carrier. You just look at him, wholly dumbfounded.

"You good?"

You look at him for another beat. "Yeah, fine."

_

The drive to Katsuki's isn't long. You follow him in your car, not wanting to leave it in your driveway. Kaede is with Katsuki, something you didn't fight him on.

You spend 10 of the 15 minute drive flipping through radio stations before you finally turn it off. You're left in silence, and you're now well and truly alone for the first time since Takeshi died.

You suck in a breath, trying to dislodge the thing that has lived in your chest everyday since.

"You knew something was wrong," you say, out loud, to no one. "You knew something was wrong, and you didn't tell me."

You picture him next you—mouth opening to respond, to defend himself. You beat him to it.

"It was preventable," your heart breaks again. "There was no reason—"

You'd tried to keep this at bay—the knowledge that Takeshi's death was meaningless. You hadn't heard a word the doctor said, but you'd read the pathologist's report. It was too hard, too much to process with everything else that needed tended to, but your brain seems to take advantage of every quiet moment you get.

"You left her without a father," your breath comes ragged, both hands gripping the steering wheel tightly to make up for the tears that threaten to block out your vision, "you—you left me,"

With impeccable timing, no sooner than you pull into Katsuki's apartment complex and park do you dissolve completely, curling in on yourself in your seat. It's crushing, this grief and this anger together inside a body that surely cannot hold all of it.

You don't see Katsuki when he approaches your driver's side door. You don't see him when he hesitates, one arm holding Kaede and the other outstretched as if you grab hold of you and pull you from your suffering himself. You don't see when he decides against it—when he turns around to leave you to do what you need to do on your own.

_

In a way, you start to feel lighter. Like something has shifted, like the boulder in your chest has fragmented just enough to let a breath through.

You get Kaede up on your own today. You let yourself linger over her, leaning on the side of the pack-n-play to watch her as she sleeps. Her little eyelashes frame her round cheeks, fluttering with whatever dream she's in the middle of.

The upturn of her nose, the slope of her forehead—these are things she gets from Takeshi. The curve of her eyes, the shape of her fingernails—those are yours. She is the most even mix of two people you’ve ever seen, and something about that makes losing Takeshi a little easier. It would’ve been a lot harder if she had simply taken his face. 

She stirs as if she’s felt your thorough examination. “Hey, sweetheart,” you coo, reaching down to pull her up. She lays her head down on your shoulder, sleepy, and something about it brings tears to your eyes so suddenly that you startle yourself. 

This tiny person that relies on you for everything. This little girl that fits so easily in your arms. She is yours, to keep safe and happy and content. She is a promise you made, both to Takeshi and yourself. She is the thing that will keep you going, even when you’re certain you cannot take another step. She is the thing you have to show up for, no matter what. 

“I’m so sorry, baby,” your voice is tiny as it is watery, whispered into her hair, to her already sleeping form. You stand there, in the middle of Katsuki’s spare bedroom, rocking your child and letting the tears fall down in fat drops—and it feels like the most normal thing in the world. “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”

It’s only when you turn your head that you see Katsuki lingering in the doorway. You open your mouth to tell him that you’re alright, but you only manage something wounded, something pathetic and broken and painful. He’s in front of you in an instant, unwinding Kaede from your hold and putting her back into the pack-n-play, still sleeping. It’s only another second before he’s dragging you to him, nearly crushing you to his chest. It pulls another wave of tears from you, because it feels good. To be held, and to be held by Katsuki, who would reduce every source of your pain to ash if he could. He holds you like he means to keep you intact—to put you back together the best he can. The only person who has ever held you like this, meant it like this.

Six months, 13 days, and 11 hours after Takeshi dies, something changes.

part 2 soon. thanks for reading, love u. <3

[disabledprincesses]

I feel like I’m much more productive at night because there’s nothing pressuring me to do things a certain way in a short amount of time.

I have it in my head that mornings should look like this and by noon I should have done that and the. I gotta plan things to wrap up around 7pm so I can sleep at 9pm and all this stuff.

But theres nothing (except sleeping) that I’m supposed to do at 2am vs 4am vs 11pm. Its just a free for all and I can be productive or lazy, I can wash dishes or take an edible and there’s nothing stopping me or shaming me because not only so there nothing planned at night, there’s no one awake enough to care.

I dont know, I just always felt like at night, there’s no pressure to do anything, so that’s the best time for me to do everything.

[collecting-stories]

I just imagine nuzzling into rick grimes’ s neck after a long day and him just stroking my hair.

Birch - Rick Grimes

Summary: just some escapism featuring Rick being soft and dreamy.

A/N: Thanks for being so super patient. I know this was requested eons ago and I so apologize. Feels like life is knocking me around a lot lately and I haven't gotten to write like I want to.

TS Anthology Series | The Walking Dead Masterlist

✰ so I cannot leave, yes, I must here stay ✰

There was no sure way to determine exactly what hour of the day it was, probably mid-evening given the warmer temperature and the just setting sun. If daylights savings still existed and the sun was still setting at the time that it used to before the entire world fell apart then you had to wager a guess that it was sometime close to 7pm...maybe 7:30pm even. You had stayed on Eastern Standard Time, not that stuff like that even mattered anymore. Really the only thing you could be certain of was the ache in your joints and muscles and the fact that the sun was setting. Blue hour was upon you. 

Alexandria still felt relatively new, even after the few months that you'd been living inside the walls, but you had already gotten used to the possibility of a shower after a long day. It was impossible to tell accurate time and you made do waking up with the sun and trying your hardest to go to bed with it too, unless you found yourself the unlucky candidate for night watch. Tonight you had no responsibilities once you crossed the threshold into your house though, just a shower and food and sleep. You had planned it in that order but the moment you turned off the water and changed into clean clothes you were collapsing on the bed, your body sinking into the soft surface. You were halfway to being completely out of it when you felt the bed sink down behind you and you shifted onto your other side, coming face to face with Rick. 

"Well if this isn't the best sight in the world," you mumbled, moving in as close as possible, pressing a kiss on the underside of his chin.

"I asked Carl where you were when you weren't at dinner, he said you came up to shower."

"Hoping to catch me in a compromising position?" You teased though you were only half-aware of what you were even saying, still far too tired to be completely awake. 

"Oh most definitely," Rick laughed and you could feel the sensation of it. "You doing okay?"

"Just tired," you replied, nuzzling further into his neck, bread tickling your skin, as he ran a hand up and down your back soothingly. "You got stuff to do?"

Rick hummed in response. You couldn't see his face, but judging by the way that his hand had slowed its monotonous movements and his breathing was starting to even out you were certain that his eyes were closed and he was on the way to sleep. He mumbled something, too indiscernible in both your tired states for either of you to be confident in what it was.

"What?" You chanced asking, lifting your head just enough to see the underside of his chin, beard thick now that it had grown back in. 

"Got dinner," he managed, eyes still closed, "downstairs."

"We should get up then?" You asked, slowly coming back to the living.

He hummed again, shaking his head just slightly, enough to let you know that he disagreed with that suggestion. This was the first time in two days that he'd even managed to lie down in bed. Lately he'd been falling asleep sitting up on the couch and then staying up for watch or because Judith was restless or any number of other reasons that drew his attention away from the bed in the upstairs bedroom that the two of you shared. 

"Rick," you whispered, kissing his jawline as gently as possible, reluctant to really wake him unless he wanted to be woken up. 

"I'm getting up," he promised, though he made no move to actually get up. 

"I can see that."

"I am, just give me like, five more minutes of this," Rick replied. 

You tucked yourself back into his side, closing your eyes against the fading sunlight coming through the window. No doubt someone would be coming upstairs, knocking on the door and disturbing your peace soon; there was always something that someone needed Rick for. But at least for five minutes (or just right now) you could pretend like all that didn't exist and it was just the two of you. 

[llycaons]

I get so mad whenever I see that post and it kind of doesn't even make any sense. 6 hour shifts would in general be better for like, everyone. working on low sleep is unsafe and unhealthy and miserable and the health care system is kind of abusive to its employees in what it expects. but at the same time, the research shows there ARE fewer errors made when one single person is on charge of care for an extended period of time, and there's objectively always more potential for mistakes and miscommunication during handoff, so I do lean more towards the longer, fewer shifts. and a lot of people take jobs in those fields specifically bc they like only working three days a week but in this hypothetical I'm assuming it's not a 40-hr workweek anyway. but personally I'd rather have two people look after me in a day than four just to keep things consistent with all the communication that goes on. and if I'm having a liver surgery I don't want the surgeon to switch out - that's the person who started it and who knows the anatomy. even tho I can't remember ever learning why that's specifically prohibited? like there must be a reason but. maybe it's just the way things are done, or maybe it'sa financial reason. I really should look into it

what would a 6-hour overnight shift even look like....midnight to 6am? I mean yeah I guess. weird and miserable but not as bad as a 7am to a 7pm which is what is basically universal now. sorry to op for my contratian nature 😔 I love to find the exceptions I fear. but like there are definitely jobs that you can't just leave and have someone else take over. there have gotta be. NOT childcare tho lmao commenter is a clown

[buttonsfleas]

First date headcanons

Andy x reader 'maria'

Headcanons of reader 'maria' and Andy having a first date.

Curse Andy btw

You both met whilst grocery shopping (you both bumped into eachother and you had a Starbucks in your hand and it kinda spilt all over your t-shirt.).

"Oh fuck- uhm, sorry." He chuckled awkwardly and looked away and rubbed his neck with his right hand.

You reassured him that it was fine and then because you had no jacket to cover it up he gave you his flannel shirt he wore over a green t-shirt.

You immediately recognised him from his past and you thought that you would be crazy. You didn't know he was still alive after everything that happened.

He walked out of the store with you and he walked you home whilst you both talked and became friends.

"So uhm, can I have your number? Since we're fre-" He says before you cut him off with "Sure." You chuckle lightly "here." You pulled your phone out and he added your number to his contacts.

As you got to your apartment door, he stood by the door frame and he stares at you "I know this seems weird to ask and stuff but, do you maybe wanna...go out sometime? Like maybe we can go to the movie theatre or a fancy restaurant or something on Friday?" He asked awkwardly and blushes

"So, like a date?" You asked with a smirk "Sure." You say softly.

"R-really? G-g-great! I'll pick you up on Friday to watch a movie at 7pm, alright?" He smiles.

"Yeah, sure, that would be nice." You softly say and he blushes and then hugs you but then pulls away.

"Uh-uhm, sor-" He says but then you cut him off by hugging him and he stays still for a moment and then wraps his arms around your waist.

At Friday at 7pm sharp, he came to your door and he wore a black t-shirt and a green and fluffy-hooded coat and ripped jeans and black sneakers which was great he didn't dress up all fancy because you only wore a white t shirt and ripped jeans and white sneakers.

As he drove you both to the movie theatre, he held your hand and you brushed your fingers against his.

After the movie, it was heavily thundering and you had nothing whilst he had his coat.

"Wear this." He says as he gives you his coat under the shelter.

You both kept arguing under the shelter of the theatre of who should wear it until he held you by your waist and pulled you closer to him.

"Wear it Maria, it don't want you getting a cold." He demanded and then you put the coat on, and he smiled.

He drove you both to your apartment and he walked you up to your apartment and then he stood by your doorframe as he did the day you both met.

He hugged you even though you both were drenched from the rain and he brushed your hair out of your face and stucked it behind your ear.

"Keep the coat, please." He said softly.

"Really? Well uhm, thanks." You say whilst blushing.

You both could hear your cat purring on the other side of the door and he dropped his jaw.

"You have a cat?" He asks excitedly.

You nodded and he smiled and said "can I maybe stay here for a while and see it?"

You nodded and opened the door for him and he kneeled to the ground like a kid to your cat.

You both played with it for hours until it was midnight and Andy started to get tired.

He layed his head on your shoulder as you both petted your cat and then he softly and quietly say "Maria, can I stay here tonight? Please?" He asked softly.

You nodded and then after 10 minutes, you brought him to your room and your cat followed you both and layed in its bed and started to purr and sleep softly.

You took his (or yours now) coat off and layed beside him in your bed.

You both layed together and he pulled you over to him and he cuddled you from behind.

"Goodnight, Maria..." He whispered and hid his face in the crook of your neck.

"Goodnight, baby..." you said softly and he lifted his head up in joy and then hid his face back into the crook of your neck and then he fell asleep softly.

You fell asleep too, dreaming of being in his embrace forever and for him to never let go of you.

[fellowshipofthenoodles]

Hello! So I got a new crestie a week ago and at night he's kind of just been in the same spot he was during the day, like he'll move but then he'll stay there for a lot longer than I'd expect [for example say he sticks to the back wall behind his plant at 7pm then I'll wake up the next morning at around 6am and he'll still be there] at first I didn't question it because my first crestie was the same on his first night but I'm a little worried since he was slightly active 4 ish days ago and I'm worried he won't get up to get food [yes I've been feeding him, it's mainly been crickets like every two days because he has a really high prey drive and I'm trying to get him to like/eat the pangea formula since he seems a little uninterested in it right now] and I'd just like him to be active and move. Should I just wait and see? And if its still the same in a few days should I try to handle him at night and hope it wakes him up a bit more, because im pretty sure he is awake because he looks fired up yet he just doesnt move. Thank you!

Hello!

It sounds like you possibly just have a more nervous crestie, but it’s only been a week and sometimes it can take some reptiles a couple of weeks to a month to feel comfortable enough to explore, or he may have a specific sleeping place that he goes back to when you’re asleep. It could be worth getting one of those night vision cameras to see if he’s moving around at night or not 😊

Most of our cresties are fairly active at night but sometimes Biscoff will stay in a hide for a couple of days and won’t even come out for food, and Teacake often wont move if we’re awake too late and she’ll just stay in the same place because she’s a very anxious girl.

A couple of things to maybe consider to see if it’s just an anxious baby or if he need’s something:

Double check that his temperatures and humidity are okay. Some cresties may like it more/less humid or warm than others! If you know the conditions he was kept in before and they’re different now then it could be adjustment of a totally new environment, both in look and feeling. But it may be worth seeing if adjusting temps and humidity for different times of day have any impact.

How much clutter does he have in the enclosure? We’ve found that nervous cresties especially need a lot more cover, but we always make sure they have several branches to climb, plants to hide behind, hides to go into, bridges to use and ledges to jump or sit on. In general we’ve found that arboreal geckos really love and appreciate a ton of clutter that allows them to sneak around with little/no detection and having that option will usually make them more likely to feel comfortable coming out more often and being visible since they have a safety net.

Are you handling him? If so I wouldn’t handle him for a week or two so he can get used to his enclosure better without feeling a possible threat. Sometimes handling a reptile before they’re settled can cause brain or physical problems for them because of the stress, so we always leave it at least a week but usually a bit longer before we handle any animal when they first come home.

How many Pangea flavours have you tried? We always feed a variety, some flavours are less liked than others so sometimes some will skip a meal or two until a favourite is offered. I recommend having at least 3 flavours to alternate between and then only offer bugs once a week (about every 3-4 feeds). This gets him used to a routine and also isn’t giving in to a bugs only diet which would be unhealthy for him. Repashy are also pretty good but also very hit and miss with whether geckos enjoy them, we’ve tried Repashy a few times and none of ours touch it but other geckos love it. For Pangea with a gecko that seems to love bugs I’d recommend the “with insects” flavours since that sometimes entices them more 😊

I hope this helps and gives you some ideas to try! If none of these change anything then you may just have a more anxious animal that will be more active when you aren’t awake.

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

today just isnt the day 😕. i am so tired. rlly need to fix my sleep bc i should NOT be going to bed at 7pm when i wake up at 12:30am for work. at least its my friday. no more snow anyway either. just rlly sore physically from yesterday (they had me literally solo push packages, and it was a NIGHTMARE bc those bitches wanted to flow volume so mf fast even though we only had 22k. and at one point i just was like "fuck this" anyway. i dont get paid enough for this bs sometimes- well... no... all the time.)

anyway biceps r jst dying atm. thats what i mean. good shit tho, i suppose but the horror stories i could tell about those people. fuck my employer istg.

[certified-scoundrel]

its only 7pm but im so tired but good omens watch good omens watch good omens watch but sleep i want to sleep but crowley hes waiting for me he and aziraphale are in my little screen box i should watch good omens im watching good omens

[ranger-penny]

Hey there!

Wanna see a bat? 👇

This is a Canyon Bat!

They're native to California, and they're one of the smallest bats in North America.

Bats are one of the most wrongly villainized and misunderstood creatures in the world, and they're actually pivotal to the environment....!!

Not only do they eat bugs at night that cause problems for us (like mosquitoes 😩), but they're also a pollinator! Over 500 species of plants rely on bats to pollinate them (including many fruit trees 🥭). If you care for liquor at all, the agave is VERY reliant on bat pollination, and would not thrive much at all without the bat's help.

The bats use their tongues to reach the nectar on night-blooming flowers, and the pollen then collects on the small fur around their heads. Then, they continue to go to flowers and trees and drop pollen where they fly--and that's how they pollinate!

Bats are so terribly important. It's much too often people speak poorly of them or are afraid of them, when they should be treated with respect and so much care.

"Bats carry diseases" is such a broad and wildly dangerous phrase to spread, when in truth it's rare for them to be sick like that (and when it does occur, its because of human tampering with their environment). Any wild animal could be subject to diseases, but this doesnt give anyone a right to say that every animal does. (South America has been known to have issues with bats and disease because of deforestation and harm to their environment. Cases are very rare in North America)

Bats dont "carry" rabies because they more likely die from experiencing it. It's not possible for a colony of bats to "get" rabies and "spread" because it can unfortunately kill them very quickly.

Bats are shy and introverted, and are more comfortable staying away from humans anyway. They just want to sleep somewhere dark and safe during the day, and eat bug at night u__u

The only bats that drink blood are in tropical places in the world, and theres only 3 species that do so (and none of them are in North America)

If you've ever heard or seen a bat swoop at someone, it's only because theres tasty bugs right near them! 😂 Like I mentioned before, bats loooove mosquitoes. And what do mosquitoes love? Tasty human blood. And water. Hence, that's why a bat might get brave enough to go for a bug snack near you! Dont forget... they're shy :'>

This little one has been making his home under our Ranger Station sign at work! He sleeps face-down so we can see his cute little face!! 🥺

At about 7pm at night, he swoops away and flies off to do his thing!

We noticed he even got a roommate one day

BAT SLEEPOVER

(5 FEET APART BC THEY ARE SO SHY 🥺🥺🥺)

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries of Bipolar sh*t compiled to Show the Mind of Someone with BP:

[Entries from my mood journals:] 

TW: Mental Health

These entries are personal, I wrote them as I was going through whatever I end up writing about, I took out any personal details so it reads like ANON.

[Next]

Energy Levels: 

July 15th 2020: 

Questionable levels of energy. Went to bed at 9am and woke up at 6pm. Just really tired, I feel just,,,, exhausted in an empty almost depressive kind of way. Could a depressive episode be looming on the horizon? Conversely, however, my energy has been pretty high the last three-four days at least. I’ve been somewhat motivated, getting work done, and also having major problems with insomnia that really kind of came out of nowhere. That’s why I couldn’t fall asleep until 9am last night. (Though my time blindness when doing things I enjoy certainly doesn’t help.)

July 16th 2020: 

(went to bed at 9am, awoke at 7pm)

Another feeling of low energy. I’d rate it about 3.5/10 (5 being normal.) Mood wise, I'm in a rather neutral mood, though I’m starting to worry that it’s getting more and more apathetic. (Especially when I’m dehydrated.) 

Executive dysfunction is rearing its ugly head. It’s hard for me to do things, I kinda want to curl into a ball and do nothing for great periods of time. I find it hard to really be motivated or to make myself WANT to look nice when I see my friend tomorrow. It’s actually kind of worrying, but my overall mood (as I said) is still pretty neutral. 

July 17th, 2020: A solid 3/10 

(Bed @ 7/8-ish am. Woke at 1:09pm to go to a friend’s.) 

I just feel tired and kinda zen, not gonna lie. Like relaxed and ready to slip into unconsciousness at any moment. Not necessarily as apathetic as yesterday, but that could be because I am around my good friend, and being around my good friends makes me happy, distracted, and more energized, even with barely any sleep.

July 18th 2020: 

Bed time:  Close to 11:30 pm Wake Up: Close to 9am. (Like 8:40 am or something) 

A solid 2.2/10 

I’ve had low energy for a bit now and I know it’s starting to roll into my apathetic depressions. Today [friend] wanted me to go to the gym/pool with [them] and I was REALLY not feeling it, but [they] were  gungho for it and were talking about it like it was already going to be a done-deal. This kinda soured me because I really do not want to move around much when I’m like this and I ESPECIALLY did not want to go to the pool—  I knew I’d be the only one in the pool, alone, because I didn’t bring shoes so I either had to wait horrendously by myself in the locker room or pool it out alone until someone joined me after their workout.

I DID feel great when I stepped into that lukewarm shower before having to get into the pool, but like, WOAH MAN, I got super apathetic, I contemplated just staying in the shower for an hour and like hOO wow. Not great. 0/10 would not recommend. 

I did actually enjoy the pool though and after about 15 minutes of [friend] joining me I began to go back to a more neutral state of mind, so that was good. 

When we went to the mall it was fun too, but for some reason (I can’t even explain why) I hit a low— low, and started to second-guess everything (even my friendship with them) and wondered if I should never talk or see them ever again from then on. It was really melodramatic and I don’t even know why I thought about it for a minute there. After a few minutes I was snapped back to normal by hanging out with my friends and then I was kinda okay again. 

Emotionally (when I’m not feeling low energy/apathetic/empty AF) I feel on the verge of just breaking down into tears and laughing like a maniac.

July 24th

Bed: 9pm-ish  Woke: 5am 

Energy: 4-ish (Maybe even a bit more of a 3.5 rn) 

These last few days have been a blur tbh. I went on a webtoon-reading, what-music-was-I-listening-to-in-middle-school binge these last couple of days and so I remember not much. The hyper focus really had me there lol. 

July 28th 2020: 

Bed: 1:15 am Woke: 6:30 am 

Mood: When I was awake earlier and reading, about a 3. RIGHT NOW??? 1.5/10 and quickly approaching a meltdown. 

I am SO SO tired and almost about to have an emotional breakdown for no reason. I have no idea where this is coming from but I am going to tuck into bed and disappear from existence because I need to sleep for 19hrs or I WILL throw a fit. 

**Some notes for July 28th. I tried to sleep at 7/8pm because I felt an incoming meltdown. But then I was suddenly wide awake? Like my energy was at a 7 while my mood was at a 0.5. Basically, not fun, would never repeat again. 

July 31st, 2020: 

Bed: Around midnight/1 am woke: 3pm. 

Energy: 4/10

I don’t know why I slept for so long, but I def. could have slept longer. In fact most of the day I felt kind of bleh. 

Not terrible enough to lie down but also not normal-normal. 

August 26th, 2020: 

Woke: 7pm Slept: 9/10am 

Mood: 4.5/10 

In general I’ve felt fine. Not as exhausted, and definitely  in a good mood. Maybe it’s because I’m purposefully taking it easy while still trying to accomplish the small things. Ahhhh I feel so accomplished, yo!!!

But just as a general warning, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay optimistic. (Hopefully for a long time.) I just feel the depressive episode on the horizon. For now, I’m doing self care so that I can fight  it off, but hopefully it won’t be “only a matter of time.” 

Thursday — September 17th, 2020: 

Slept: 1am woke: 7:30am 

Mood: 5/10 ENERGY: 2.5/10 

Though I’m in a pretty genial mood, I just feel so tired. Which makes no sense because yesterday I woke up at like 7pm and went to bed at 1am. So WHAT TF bro. I’ve just been lying in my bed all day because that’s like the only way I feel somewhat decent. 

Kinda want to take a nap but I know that’ll do me absolutely no good whatsoever, so I’m gonna stay awake and try to be as productive as I can be when I’m lying down in a horizontal position.

[Journal Entry] 

“Saturday: October 10th, 2020 —  Around Night

Right now I feel invincible. Like I can write and capture that perfect melody. Pen to paper. Pencil to sketchbook. For this moment, just right now, I feel as if I could do anything, and that makes me so, so, happy. 

Today is a happy day, which is made funnier or perhaps more ironic by the fact that I didn’t even want to wake up today. [Which I did, begrudgingly, at 6pm-ish.] 

The tides really do come and go. So never feel too down. At some point you’ll feel like this again. The cogs keep turning and life goes on. 

Mood: 10/10 Energy: 10/10.”

[End quote] 

...

“October 13th, 2020 — Tuesday, 10:45 AM. 

So many thoughts have taken travels in my hand. Today I feel invincible again. Much like I did in the last entry. I have been an unfortunate disappointment to my family, though. My energy, motivation, and time has been entangled lately. Entangled deep into my mind, my media, and the interests I partake in: The Void ™. 

Therefore I haven’t been of much help, entertainment, or enjoyment for my loved ones. Last Sunday our relatives gathered at our house to celebrate [my brother's] birthday. Yet I stayed in bed. I did not celebrate with them, and ignored their asks of me. I’m quite disappointed in myself for being this way. I can only strive to be better. I may not have been energetic or involved these last few days, but I feel much better now that I’ve gotten rest. 

Though I’ll always be fighting with that void that distracts and captures my attentions, I won’t let these strings choke me.” [End Quote] 

…

October 18th 2020:

Slept: 10am Woke: 4am

Mood:2.5/10. Energy:2/10

I just feel very anxious (like pit of nervous energy going 100mph in my stomach) anxious. I’m gonna try and nap the wired energy off cause it’s making me panicked 

[Journal Entry] 

“October 18th, 2020 — Sunday, 3:46 AM

I’ve gone and slept all of saturday. But hopefully this will fix my sleep schedule. I’m also (not quite anxious, but I know the tension is there, rising, ready to explode on the horizon. Already it’s October 18th, and yet it feels as if I’ve accomplished nothing. And perhaps I haven’t.”

[End quote] 

…

“October 24th, 2020 — Saturday, 9:55 PM.

At the beginning of this page I felt indescribable emotion fill me. Everything was pointless. I’d forgotten how to fly and instead remembered how to nap. For a singular moment I wanted to sleep into nonexistence. I wanted to cry, too. But mostly, I was just tired. I could do nothing but sit and want to sleep, and I had not even the strength or energy to loathe myself for this. So I decided to scrapbook instead and then maybe sleep after I’d written all this leak in me from pen to paper. But in the (time it)  took for me to design the page I fell out of my emotional range. Instead I felt calm. Pacified. Silly, isn’t it? I’m supposed to edit today and tomorrow, but I’ve let today slip away. 

I’ve also eaten too much again. I feel sick. Like I’m eating as much as I can before a hibernation. Does my body feel a depressive episode coming before I do? Is that it? Or is my overeating and lack of control leading me into a spiral? I shouldn’t be feeling like this. So much anxious, emotional energy. I’m wired as shit and I hate this jittery-ness. 

It’s suffocating. Like a snake’s wrapped itself over me and keeps constricting, tighter, and tighter, and tighter, till there’s nothing left.”

[End of entry] 

…

“November 10, 2020 — Tuesday 

Pros: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days. 

Cons: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days.”

[End Quote] 

[Around 3 month time skip]

[Sunday, February 28th, 2021 — 2:04 AM] 

“I’m treading water. Another month passes. Hopefully I’ll make all I can of this last day. I walked some, but I still haven’t reached my desired destination. Guess I have no choice but to keep going! Everything has a time. I can only continue trying. That’s all I can do. To quit is to have nothing for myself, not even dreams. ‘Being confident that he who began a good work in you will carry on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.’ (-Something Phillipians.) 

I dream of many things. I pray that March gives me what I need. Please be here with me, hold my hand in these times and keep me close in your thoughts. I’m trying. I’m always trying. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. I can’t do this alone. (I wish I could.) My brain is so easily distracted and it’s hard to get by even doing things I joy. I wish I had something that could force me to function. All I have is myself.  

One day I won’t just be writing dreams with no evidence. Every step is part of the journey (even if it doesn’t feel like it.) So thank you for walking with me. I don’t have the strength to do this alone. Please, please hold my hand through the anxieties and whisper that it’ll be alright. I’m blindfolded, and I’m walking on a tightrope, and I need you to tell me when and how to jump so that I’ll land in the net. I’m blind but I’m listening. September 30th feels a lightyear away. It’s hard to forget the lack when you’re faced with it everyday. And I’m unsure. Please tell me that it’s worth it. Please. Please help me. Please. Please lead me. Please help me.” 

[End of entry.]

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4]

This is the first part of the journal entries, I'll be uploading another compilation after each newly posted PPT essay.

Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

Visuals of depressive episodes: (1), (2)

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)

[Next]

[asanda0625]

Managing Mental Health in a Hyperconnected World: Why Digital Detox Matters

In a world overflowing with digital noise, the idea of a "digital detox" has never been more vital. Taking time to disconnect to connect isn’t just about escaping screens, it's a powerful way to tackle stress, boost mental clarity, and rekindle genuine connections with ourselves and others. This concept of taking a break from screens isn’t just a temporary trend; it’s a serious approach to dealing with the mental health issues that come from being constantly plugged in. Let’s explore why digital detoxes are becoming a hot topic, how effective they really are, and what they mean for our society and discover how unplugging can help you find balance and enhance your well-being.

Our phones, tablets, and computers are more than just gadgets; they’ve become a big part of who we are. Social media, in particular, provides endless streams of news, entertainment, and social interactions, which can sometimes be overwhelming. This constant connectivity can lead to problems like anxiety, depression, and trouble focusing. Research shows that too much screen time can cause stress, loneliness, and even disrupt our sleep.

As worries about the negative effects of excessive screen use have grown, the idea of a digital detox has gained popularity. A digital detox means intentionally taking breaks from screens and social media to reduce stress and bring balance back into our lives. This could be a short break, like a weekend without screens, or a longer period of digital fasting (MSEd, 2023).

Many people who try digital detoxes report positive changes in their mental health. Without constant interruptions and less exposure to stressful content, people often feel calmer and less anxious. Time away from digital devices allows for more focused and peaceful moments. Cutting down on screen time, especially before bed, is linked to better sleep. The blue light from screens can interfere with melatonin, a hormone that helps us sleep well. Many find that their ability to concentrate and be productive improves when they aren’t distracted by constant notifications or social media (Kirsty, 2024).

The discussion around digital detoxes highlights a bigger need for better digital habits and balance. Instead of just disconnecting, we should focus on developing healthier ways to use technology. It’s important to understand how to use technology wisely. This means recognizing when we’re spending too much time online and learning how to manage our screen time effectively, for example introducing a rule to stop looking at your phone from 7pm (Kirsty, 2024). Being aware of how we use technology can help reduce its negative effects. This involves setting limits, taking regular breaks, and enjoying offline activities. We also need to value mental health more and make changes in how we incorporate technology into our daily lives.

For example, as a third-year occupational therapy student juggling classes, clinical placements, and endless online research, I decided to embark on a digital detox over a weekend. By disconnecting from screens, I found space for deep self-reflection, practiced mindfulness, and reconnected with friends and family face-to-face. This intentional break not only reduced my stress and anxiety but also enhanced my focus and motivation when I returned to my studies.

In our tech-saturated world, taking time to disconnect to connect is essential for our mental health and is it’s a crucial step towards developing a healthier, more mindful relationship with technology. By stepping away from screens, we not only alleviate stress and anxiety but also create space to reconnect with ourselves and those around us in a meaningful way. As we navigate a world increasingly dominated by screens, how might you incorporate a digital detox into your routine to reclaim balance and enhance your well-being?

REFERENCES

Kirsty. (2024, September 9). Digital Detox - Kaelo. Kaelo. https://www.kaelo.co.za/digital-detox/

MSEd, K. C. (2023, October 31). How to do a digital detox. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/why-and-how-to-do-a-digital-detox-4771321