#ive been repeating this same sentence. all day

[mail-me-a-snail]

can you take my white ass to night city

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

omg i really really love your blog<3 you are such a sweet person and so kind to all your followers and others on here and your writing is absolutely amazing!

i saw ur requests were open and i was wondering if you could write something for poe dameron? a hurt comfort because in your rules you said you wouldn't accept full angst which honestly is so real of you and i completely agree :D its just, ive read so many fics where poe's best friend or squadron member is either in love with him or fwb with him and he starts dating someone and they look rlly in love but then he leaves the person for the best friend and i cant help but always wonder how the person he left is feeling! and i was wondering if you could write something along the lines of this but he doesnt leave the reader and hes not really in love with his best friend or anything im so sorry this became really long but you can totally ignore this or say you cant do it its absolutely alright!<33

thank you sm though and i hope you have a good day!

Anon, thank you so much for such lovely and kind words! You are AMAZING! (Seriously, they have absolutely made my day/week/year!)

This ask has killed me (positive), my subconsciousness had a lot to say, it seems.

Tangerine, Tangerine

Poe Dameron x GN!Reader Rating: M Masterlist | ao3 | want to be tagged?

Warnings: angst (but with a happy ending), thoughts that a partner is cheating, blood, x-wing fight, swearing (not star wars swearing, because even though Kriff is great, I need to say fuck), Moonbeam as a nickname, typos, rail road sentences, please let me know if I’ve missed a warning!

Word Count: 4494

_______________________________________

It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. 

You’d misunderstood, you’d read the situation wrong, you’d seen incorrectly. It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. 

Your radio crackled, “Green Leader, checking in. We’re manoeuvring in 5. Call out.”

“Green Two check.”

“Green Three check.” 

 It was just a kiss. 

“Green Four check.” 

 It was just a-

“Green Five check.” 

Just a-

“Green Six check.” 

Just-

“Green Seven,” you swallow. “Check.” 

It wasn’t just a kiss. 

You patted your helmet twice and rolled your neck, breathing deeply as you settled in. On your left, you could see some of Blue Squadron. 

This mission was straightforward - on a holopad. 

Two teams to escort The Harbringer, the resistance supply ship. It had been damaged by a rogue blast from a tie fighter just as it jumped to hyperspace and had had to make an emergency landing on one of Tre’Ral’s desert moons. 

The crew on board had managed to fix all they could. But without proper materials, there was little chance of the ship making it out of the moon’s thick atmosphere and entering hyperspace. So Blue and Green Squadrons had been dispatched. Blue 1-4 had already made contact, jump-starting The Harbringer enough to get it airborne. 

Due to Tre’Ral’s sun and planet density, the gravity on the moons was a little stronger than most world’s atmospheric pressure. 

Green Leader, Sena, had repeated through briefing at how this would affect flying. How to be ready for it. And she hadn’t been wrong, it was different flying here. Tougher. And you loved it.

You’d grown up on Para, a planet with a high gravity density. You’d learnt to fly there well before you’d flown in space. Being here on this desolate moon almost felt like home. Your movements seemed smoother, precise. No longer needing to overcorrect for your naturally ingrained harsh movements. No longer spinning out and fighting low gravity, finally working with the tide. 

The manoeuvre would see the ships escort The Harbringer out of the moon’s atmosphere and then the rest of Blue squadron would form a sort of 3D star formation around the cargo ship. All jumping to hyperspace at the same time to carry it along with them. 

Simple. 

In theory. 

Everyone had spoken about how practically textbook it was, how easy. 

But then, of course, why was Green Squadron going? 

No one at the briefing had asked, why would they when the answer was so obvious. This part of the quadrant was teething with First Order. With a slow, busted supply ship you were all practically screaming for them to come and play target practice. 

You swallow. 

You should be focusing on that, on the mission. Instead of the utter nonsense that was ricocheting around your head and piercing your heart. 

I hadn’t just been a kiss. 

You and Poe had gotten together clumsily, three months ago, your normal awkwardness drowned out by so much Polanis Red that you almost couldn’t see straight. It had been after the battle of Hurthwen, a nasty dogfight that had everyone hyped up on adrenaline. 

He had been drunk when he kissed you, you remembered that. 

Maybe he had thought… maybe he had believed he was kissing her instead. 

It made a lot more sense. 

Sena was the Green Leader, she was a great pilot. One to be reckoned with. She was kind, she was fun, she was beautiful. She and Poe had joined the resistance together, risen the ranks together. Basically inseparable. Always laughing and joking. She had been in the same squad as Poe, under his command before she was promoted to leading one of her own. 

They had always been close. Always. Best friends. 

Sickness bubbled in your throat. 

You remembered Frizz and Hank talking offhandedly, well before you and Poe were a thing. Both of them sure that Sana and Poe were dating or ‘knocking boots’ as Frizz had so elegantly put it. 

“Two people can just be friends, you know.” You’d said, trying to hide your little crush on the commander. 

“Yeah,” Frizz laughed, “But not them. You seen them together?” 

Hank chortled. 

Nonsense. You’d brushed it off then. Allowed it to creep into your thoughts when it was dark and the base was quiet. When Poe’s breathing was soft and light behind you, his arm around your waist. 

Him and Sana just made a lot more sense than him and you. 

“Yeah, but not them. You seen them together?” 

Yeah. Now you had. 

The Harbringer came into view over the horizon. The seemingly endless stretch of desert was cut through in the distance by a fearsome outcrop of crocks, leading up into a field of formidable mountains. 

Blue 1-4 were already hooked up to the cargo ship, all five hoovering moving together as they flew towards you to meet. 

You wouldn’t have said things were difficult with you and Poe. Well, you wouldn’t have said that before. It was complicated for everyone on the base, most staff were on different call schedules, off-world or on a mission at all times. Having a relationship wasn’t straightforward. There were stretches where you wouldn’t even be on the same planet for days, but…

But you had thought it was…

It didn’t matter. 

You’d gone back to the briefing room, just before take off. You’d wanted to tap the main holoscreen twice, for luck. A little ritual you’d adopted early on. Most pilots were a superstitious bunch. 

That’s when you’d seen them. Sana and Poe. Locked in a tight embrace, their lips pressed together in a deep kiss. 

Your heartbeat had thundered so loud you’d been surprised they hadn’t heard it. But they’d been too preoccupied to notice your presence. 

It was cliche but time had almost slowed, calmed and stretched like the moment you take aim, the second before you fired your ship's canons. 

A flash of the control panel had flickered into your mind when you saw them, your fingers twitching as if you had the trigger in your hands. 

You’d turned and left without a sound. Without a word. Without letting them know you saw. Leaving them to… whatever they did next. 

Was it their first kiss? One of many? Had this been going on well before Poe had taken your hand and led you outside so he could clumsily name all the constellations, making up new ones and backstories to make you smile?

“That one here, you see it?” 

“Yeah?” 

“That one’s the best one, best in the sky. It’s orange and it’s right next to that other orange one, like they’re holding hands.”

You’d laughed. 

“That’s me and you Moonbeam.” 

Moonbeam. That stupid nickname. 

You’d gone to your room quickly, the one that you and Poe shared, and taken off the necklace he’d given you. 

“I want you to wear it for luck, Moonbeam.” 

That stupid smile he’d given you as he’d slipped it from his own neck and onto yours. That stupid kiss he’d given you after. You’d thought that expression was cute when you’d seen it, pure. Now it just seemed like he’d been laughing at you, playing some sick joke. ‘How long can I string someone along?’, ‘how far can I go before they realise it’s all pretend?’ 

You’d left the necklace with the ring slipped through on the small set of shelves in the corner, the one Poe normally kept his holopad on. 

It was idiotic, but your neck felt… empty without it. Cold. Every now and then you touched at where the chain normally lay.A subconscious action only brought to the forefront of your mind by the sensation of your own skin instead of metal. 

Something caught your eye in the distance, a flash of sunlight glinting off the horizon. Dread twisted in your stomach as realisation dawned a second earlier than your scanners. The extra gravitational pressure and high quantity of magnetic metals in the sand affected everyone’s ship computers, causing a brief information delay. 

Your alarm sounded out inside your ship, the radar blinking into life as tie fighters approached from the rock outcrop. They’d used the high mineral concentration to hide their energy signatures. 

“Fuck.” 

The radio screamed into life, orders out pouring over orders. Blue squadron rushed into position while Green scrambled. 

“Blue in place now!”

“It’s gonna be rushed, but we haven’t got a choice!”

“No time!” “Incoming!” “Green half split! Evens left, odds right, let’s keep those fighter’s off The Harbringer and Blue squadron! Gamma pattern!” 

“How far away is the Delta?” 

“Calling in attack pattern!” 

You swing to the right, falling in with Hank and Petal and bank hard, it takes less than a second for you to notice that your squad's movements aren’t as precise and well-timed as usual. The stronger gravity throwing everyone, except you, off their game. 

That didn’t bode well. 

You climb for a second, punching hard on the acceleration to get some height and a clear view of the oncoming and flick on your targeting system. The image glitches, doesn’t hold steady even as you focus. Off by half a fraction. 

Shots fire out from both sides, most missing.

“Targeting not working!”

“It’s out!”

“I can’t get a clear shot!” “The read is malfunctioning!”

“Half a click 4/8!” You shout, as you take your shot, hitting two tie fighters head-on. 

“Good shot Green 7!” You can hear the joy and relief in Sana’s voice. “Half a click 4/8, you’ll all have to manually adjust!” 

You dive, swirling around two fighters before skimming close to the ground, trying to draw their attention away from the cargo ship. You spin, slamming your control harder than you would need to in any other situation as you turn and spike past another fighter, taking out one in the process. 

“Wooooo!” Hank yells over the intercom.

You laugh. “Bet you never thought you wished you grew up on Para right?” 

“Every day new things surprise me.” He banks left, you right, Petal dives down. 

It’s too much of a rush, everything all at once, patterns and shots flying, your ship’s systems screaming as you push the engines a little too hard. 

The tie fighters aren’t moving as fast as they normally do, bogged down even more than the x wings by the gravity. They can’t make their normal quick turns and it’s affecting their strike patterns. 

Good. 

But there’s so, so many of them. 

Explosions fly debris out, and you climb higher. Needing a clear view and unable to rely on your targeting systems. 

More shots fly out, The Harbringer is taking a battering but so far its shielding is holding the hull together. 

The radio keeps screaming, overlapping voices that blur into background noise. You’re trained to only hear your call signal, direct messages. You vear off, narrowingly missing a blast to your wing. 

“-On my tail.” Frizz’s voice cuts through the noise, a sharp stab of dread slicing you open as you turn, automatically looking to the reader, it’s still not clear. 

You climb, twist, fall, see a Green ship, followed tightly by two fighters. Accelsorate, bank. You fire. You’re aiming in a panic now, not adjusting right, not breathing through. 

The shot hits one, before you have to swerve to avoid being struck head-on. 

“Thanks 7!” Cril yells over the speaker, managing to shake the other fighter. 

There’s a scream, a crackle of sound over the system. A sound you know too well. You see the ship crash into the desert, exploding before it even hits the ground as the a tie fighter’s shots hit home. 

Frizz.

“No…” 

“Check!” Sana yells, unable to tell who went down with the system glitching. “Green Leader!”

You swerve around another fighter, everything moving so fast, too fast.

“Green Two check!” Cril.

“Green Three check!” Petal. 

Nothing. 

“Green Four!” Sana yells. No call replies. Balna. Not Frizz. 

The momentary rush of relief at Frizz being alive is cut horribly short by the image of Balna’s kind face that bursts behind your eyes. 

You bank left, right, swerve, take aim, twist. 

There’s a chance, a good chance that you’ll win. All of Blue is in place, The Harbringer is moving up with them. The tie fighters are taking more hits than the resistance, their less aerodynamic design hampering them more than usual with this gravity. 

All you need is…

Another alarm. 

“Oh… fuck.” You slam on your intercom. “Z-Fighter!” 

A chorus of yells answer you. 

A Z-fighter, a quick moving ship a fraction bigger than The Harbringer, with two powerful front guns. A few shots would take the cargo ship out completely. 

And with how slow the supply ship was moving, that wouldn’t be hard. 

The Z-fighter storms in, moving fast but not firing, they were obviously having problems with their targeting too, needing a close clear shot. 

“Take out the main cannons!” Sana yells, the panic in her voice cutting through the chaos. You turn, aim, take out a tie fighter but have to veer up at the last second. Twist. 

Someone comes in after you, aiming for the cannons, a fighter clips their side and they can’t correct quick enough. They spiral off, their ship crashing into the Z-fighter. Obliterated on impact. The Z-fighter seemingly unaffected. 

You loop back, adrenaline blinding you to everything, anything that’s not the goal. Take out the canons. Take out the canons. People are counting on you. Take out the canons. 

You fire, a clear shot before you bank to the side to avoid a direct hit to your hull. 

It’s not enough.

You need to pass again, and again. Other x wings flying in, taking shots, the gravity making them slow, imprecise. Only one blast hits and it’s not full on.You’re the only one hitting directly and it’s not enough. 

It’s not enough. It’s not enough. It’s not enough.

There’s shouting and screaming, the zipping of the fighters as they cut through the sky. Someone yells your name and you don’t hear it. 

Another hit lands. One canon out. Only one left. You can do this. The Harbringer is nearly in the upper atmosphere, they can jump from there. Just a few more seconds. You can do this.

“Black Leader!” Poe’s call sign cuts over the dim, followed by the call signs of half of the Red Squadron.

They must have scrambled after first contact. 

The canon’s powering up, a quick glance to your panel tells you that The Harbringer’s shield is barely functioning. They won’t survive a direct hit. With how close they are and the Blue Squadron ships that are attached there’s no way they wouldn’t be pulled down too if The Harbringer fell. 

The canon needs more than one hit to take it down, more than five. No way you can shoot five times before they fire. 

You twist, full force. Pumping the acceleration. Fire. Fire. Fire. Three hit. You don’t slow down. Fire. Fire. Fire. They hit. The canon is still operational. 

Sana is screaming orders, so many shots fire at the canon, none of them hit right, hit full on. 

Two chances left. 

One to fire. If it takes out the canon you just have enough time to serve up, to avoid getting smashed to bits. 

Poe shouts for you over the intercom. 

You don’t answer.

One to fire. If it doesn’t take out the canon then… then you crashing into it head on will. 

Poe yells again, this time cutting over everyone else, sending you a direct call. 

You don’t answer.

You fire. Hit. 

Poe screams for you, his voice painful and panicked. He’s already worked out your plan before you had even thought of it. 

The canon doesn’t go down. 

You cut the call to him. Blocking out his signal. You don’t want Poe to think you did this for him. 

You don’t want him to think you did this because of him.

“Green Seven!” Sana yells, seemingly knowing what you’re going to do. 

Hank screams your name over the radio. It hurts. You think it’s the worst sound you’ve ever heard. 

“Moonbeam!” Poe’s voice is ripped raw from yells, Sana has patched him through over her signal. You were wrong. That was the worst sound you’ve ever heard. 

You dip at the last second, not hitting the canon straight on but smashing your right wing into it. The force surprises you, even though you braced for it. The impact sending you spiralling. You try to regain control, try to turn into the spin. Training taking over even though you're a wing and half a ship down. 

Shouts over the radio, you barely make out- 

“-cannon’s down-”

“-Jump!-”

A spark hits, your console explodes into flame, shards hit your side and you yell. Sky and sand tumbling over each other over and over, and you manage to hit the eject button.

The force rips you upwards, free briefly from your burning ship. But you’re too close to the floor, not enough time to slow down your velocity. There’s-

.

The impact of the ground hurts. Pain explodes along every nerve despite the ejection seat dampening. You scream. 

Agony is everywhere, everything. You can’t feel anything else, can’t comprehend anything except floods of pain. 

You hit your belt, falling out and to the desert floor. Looking up just enough to gauge where you are, where your ship fell. It’s an exploded, fireball mess far off. At least it’s not an immediate threat. You crawl to the side and sob. 

There’s blood falling into the sand from your head, the right side of your face. You can’t see properly out of your eye and your left leg is definitely broken. Shattered. Still, you drag yourself forward, digging your hands in and pulling as something ribs and tears in your side, warm liquid soaking into your fight suit. 

The resistance will jump to hyperspace, they’ll get out. They’ll make it. 

You just needed to get away from your ejection seat, when the First Order doubles back they’ll see it, they’ll see you. You just needed to get to an outcrop. Hide. 

Make it look like you had a weapon. 

Make them shoot you first instead of taking you for questioning. 

Can’t let them take you alive. 

There's the faint sound of a ship somewhere above, landing gear coming down. 

For a second you freeze, panic gripping your heart, you dig into the sand hard, pull, pull, pull  yourself closer towards the outcrop of rocks. The air seems to be leaving your lungs, your breathing ragged and hot. 

You cough, red hitting the dirt, iron hitting your tongue. 

You crawl, pull. The pain is making you light-headed. You gasp, trying to get in a full lung full of air. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enou…

.

When you open your eyes your first thoughts are simple. Clear. 

I'm dead.

You were either shot in the head in the sand or simply succumbed to your wounds. 

But then things begin to feel… fuzzy. Not painful, but not right either.

And that's when you smell the Bacta. And then the light starts to change to distorted shapes, and finally, you recognise Hank sitting next to you.

“You better not be dead too,” you whisper your voice dry from lack of use. 

Hank jumps up, goes to grab your hand and then stops himself. There are tears in his eyes. He softly places his fingers on yours and you squeeze back. 

“You're a fucking idiot you know that?” He grins and you laugh. Which hurts a little, but feels good. 

“One sec,” he moves away just to speak to someone outside before he comes back. “I'm the one that picked you up, you know?” 

“Now who's the fucking idiot?” You smile but your chest aches, heavy with the weight of his words. “You shouldn't have done that.” You whisper. 

“What?”

“You were under fire, you should have just jumped-” 

“I saw you eject. Saw you moving. You think I was just gonna leave you there?” He sits. “Besides, I was closest. The commander would have blown up the whole planet to get to you.” 

You swallow, turning away slightly. Going cold at the mention of Poe. 

Hank mistakes the look for guilt, and squeezes your hand again. “Hey, look,” he smiles, “you took out the canons, you're a fucking idiot but you know how to fly in heavy gravity.” 

You snort. 

He smiles. 

“Who did we lose?” 

Hank sighs, “three…”

You nod, closing your eyes for a moment. 

“There-”

There was shouting from outside, a crash and then Poe stormed into the room, med staff close behind him.

You swallow, sickness building in your throat.

He looked awful, drawn out and worn thin like he hadn't slept or eaten in days. His eyes red. 

He rushes forward, Hank moves out of the way, so Poe can take your hand in his. He leans forward and kisses you softly, carefully stroking your cheek, being gentle with your bandages. 

“Moonbeam…” he mutters and you flinch back from him. He looks at you with sad, confused eyes. 

“Look, I can only allow one visitor in here.” The med staff member says.

Hank stands, and speaks when you frown. “I'll see you later, Poe’s the one that hasn't left your side. The only reason he wasn't here when you woke was because I made him go take a shower.” Hank smiled, “you can thank me for that later.” 

Both you and Poe are quiet as the others leave. Poe searching your face for something, while you look away. 

“Moonbeam,” he says again softly, but there's an edge to his words that you're not used to. “What the fuck happened on that mission? What the fuck is this?” He holds up his hand, his necklace and ring wrapped around his palm. His eyes are shiny as he speaks. “Were you trying to kill yourself? What the fu-”

“Poe,” you breathe. Best to get it over quickly. “I saw.”

He frowns. “Saw? Saw what?” 

“You and Sana, in the briefing room… before take off.” 

The small frown on his forehead relaxes slightly for a moment as his eyebrows raise. “You… saw?” 

You nod. 

“You, but, I didn’t see you when I pushed her away?” His voice cracks at the end, a splinter running into the muscle of your heart. 

“You pushed her away?” 

“You didn’t see that?” He frowns again, blinking hard, “you just, just saw and walked away and what? Took this off?” He holds up the necklace again. A tear falls from his eye and he rubs it away furiously as if it had scorched his skin. “Just, just left it and… and…” 

“I didn’t know you didn’t want it…” You say quietly, emotion is making your chest tight and constricted. “I didn’t know you didn’t want her…”

“What?” He breathes, moving closer and squeezing your hand. There’s disbelief in his voice, confusion. Anger, it’s deep down and controlled but it’s there. “No, look, she kissed me. I pushed her away, I, I even logged a report, I’ll pull up the god damned camera feed to show you.” 

He’s not lying. His gaze is unwavering and he’s got that painfully earnest look in his eyes. 

“You thought…” he shakes his head slightly, his voice pained, “you thought I’d-”

“You both make sense together.” You blurt out. “She’s… and you’re…” you shrug and sigh, on the verge of tears yourself. “You’re both the best of us.”

“No,” he shakes his head fiercely, “Moonbeam, no.” He wipes roughly at his eyes again, glancing down for a moment and you lightly touch his head. 

He looks up instantly as you stroke his curls, still lightly damp. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

Poe shakes his head again, grabbing your hand and kissing your wrist. “I’m sorry.” He kicks off his shoes and clambers into bed next to you a little awkwardly. He’s trying to be careful, trying not to hurt you but needing closeness so badly it’s suffocating. 

You scooch to the side as quickly as you can in your current state and lean into him as he wraps his body around you softly and kisses you sweetly. 

“Love you, love you, love you,” he repeats after every kiss, pressing his lips to every part of your skin that he can reach.

“Why are you sorry?” You mutter as he holds you, “I’m the one that messed up.”

He shakes his head, “I’m sorry that I don’t make you realise how special you are, how perfect.” He kisses your cheek, “you’re the best of us Moonbeam.” 

You tut but his grip tightens and he holds you tight. 

“And one hell of a pilot.” He grins. 

You scoff. 

“You are.” He kisses you again. 

You nuzzle against him, settling into his touch. Knots have formed in your chest, pain that’s loosening. His warmth is comforting. Home. 

“Sana said she didn’t know I was in a relationship,” he says softly, resting his chin on the top of your head. “I don’t know if that’s true, but… I do believe her.” 

You nod. “She’s a good person.”

He moves so he can look you in the eyes. “Please, Moonbeam, I… don’t,” he bites his tongue, closing his eyes for a long second. “I want to tell you, I want to say, don’t ever do something like that again… don’t… don’t put yourself at risk.” 

You touch his cheek lightly. 

“But it’s not fair is it?” He smiles sadly. “We both do that every day… You know you were gonna be in my squadron at first?” 

You shake your head in surprise and he nods.

“You were, but… well,” he blushes ever so slightly. “I was so embarrassingly head over heels in love with you,” he laughs lightly. “For months I could hardly talk to you, you know I had to down five Polanis Red’s in a row after Hurthwen just so I could ask you out? I knew I wouldn’t be able to function right if you were in my squad. I knew that I’d put everyone else at risk because if it came down to it… if there was a choice between everyone in the squad dying, everyone on the base, or you… I’d let the resistance burn instead of lose you. Every single time.” 

You close your eyes, fighting the emotion that needs to break through and squeeze his hand like a lifeline. “I love you.” You whisper. 

Your fingertips brush against the necklace, the ring hooking around the first knuckle of your index finger by chance. 

Poe slowly moves his hand from yours and unwinds the necklace from his palm before carefully placing it over your head, giving you plenty of time to move away if you wanted. 

“I love you Moonbeam,” he mutters, his voice low, reverent. Then leans in to kiss you. You kiss him back with all your heart. 

____________________________________

Thank you for reading!

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[liauditore]

For the ship bingo, perhaps ethubs or boatboys?

sorry it took so long to get to this i got so excited someone asked me to talk abt ethubs i went into a coma 😭😭

Ethubs

um uhh umerm ethubs yeah etho and bdubs and last life and mindcrack UHCs and eyah yknow um yeah

you know that one post that's like "inside my head is a five page essay with footnotes and when i speak it's just ouhghh blorbo he is so shaped". that's me with ethubs. not even kidding ethubs is the ship that made me finally "get" shipping in general, mcyt or not. i. words. i care them.

and uh there's. not rlly anything i can say i think that my ethubs moots haven't already said? They've been friends forever, they play off eachother super well, "he loves me", they're both so obsessed and in need of eachother but at the same time would rather eat raw, unpicked cactus than admit that, etc etc they're so unwell

im just gonna skip on over to the song lyrics bit cus i. they make my brain short circuit i cant even sentences.

The scarlet summer is gone and peaceful gray is draping the city Alone, I reach out for you to hold me tight, shivering Always the days spent with you warmed my heart and kept me from freezing Although I knew they were gone forever But in my pain, to me you came like the warmest breeze "On nights so cold I know you need some company."

Though only in lonely and freezing times, we held each other close to keep from feeling hopeless nothings And now again I can see summer fast approaching like a storm that there's no stopping Repeating in a cycle Like our mistakes

My love for you is endless, just like the deepest sea And like the ocean blue your complications speak to me I've come to understand you, your parts and inner workings My sun only in winter Only when I need you or else you won't need me

Leave you in Summer, Yet You're In My Fluffthoughts (Ashe translyrics) (sidenote this might be one of my favourite music videos of all time)

Falling so deeply while clinging to love But even so, I feel my heart and it’s floating up above Your true face, such a passionate one, shows your beauty, coming in a flood True, all of our short-lived youth will someday come to end Ah, even so, in my view, it starts right now, yet again

And every day, I found I prayed for you to be always full of happiness that remains Ah, just like this, please wait right by my side, please stay

Tablet (Will Stetson / sayriris translyrics) (after watching LL the first thing i did was make a MV to this song with LL Bdubs and it was still the most insane thing ive ever done fuelled by pure gargoyle inspiration juice)

I wouldn't say they're ~~Divorced~~ quite yet cus Idk if they were ever really married as much as just plain endlessly obsessed with eachother, which they still are. But they definitely broke up lmao

but yeah uh their chemistry is great. bdubs said it best. they've been thru the trenches together.

Boat Boys

Thankfully much less thoughts about these two or else this post would get way too long lmao. I like them but I'm not too insane about them I guess? Etho's very awkward near people he isn't used to which was fun to watch but made their interactions kind of limited for a lot of DL I feel.

Joel's obsession with Etho is hilarious and seeing Bdubs get jealous of his #1 ethogirl status getting challenged is great fun. He's definitely gone through a bit of an arc from "I KILLED ETHO! I KILLED ETHO!!" in Last Life to "Eefo D:< You're making me nervous, eefo D:<" in Double Life to whatever the cow divorce situation was in Limlife. It seems like Etho's otherworldly status has been nerfed in his head and he's much less intimidated by him, while still admiring him in that 'childhood hero' sorta way.

I think because of that I've always seen them a little bit as more of a mentor/prodigy relationship than anything else? Specifically one that Etho is not even aware he's in. Eitherway, I don't really ship them in the romantic sense 🤷‍♂️ etho's just way too aloof and joel's got too much fangirl energy for it to be anything intimate lol

[reidsaurora]

"Déjà Vu" ~ S. Reid

Summary: When Y/N gets kidnapped, she swears she knows the man who rescued her—cue the world's worst case of déjà vu.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1,357

Content Warning: Y/N gets drugged and kidnapped, part of this takes place at a hospital, mentions of Spencer getting drunk in the past, very mild swearing, lmk if i missed anything!

Genre: Angst to Fluff ig? I honestly don't know

Extra Notes: I hope this is medically accurate, I tried to find information on the drugs listed in the episode and I got mixed answers 😂

Based On the Prompt: "No Way Out" - paralytic drugs (from 2022 Whumptober Prompts)

Takes Place: during the events of 5x12 — "The Uncanny Valley"

Originally Written: between 09/27/2022 and 09/30/22

Beta Read By: @reidsbookclub

Criminal Minds masterlist can be found here!

Whumptober masterlist/schedule can be found here!

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

I'd screamed, sobbed, wailed, and just about every other sound that could signal I was not supposed to be trapped… wherever the hell I was currently trapped at.

Only… no noise was escaping my lips?

My eyes darted open (I didn't even know I still had the ability to do that in my current state), landing directly on someone who was in the same position as I was—painted up with makeup, sporting a fancy dress, and immobilized, most likely due to whatever this freak was shooting into her veins via the IV my eyes wandered to.

I managed to look down at my own arm, noticing I too was being injected with whatever this seamstress-turned-kidnapper's preferred paralytic drug was.

"She's coming back," she struggled to say, her head pointed toward the floor.

My eyes flickered in the same direction, landing on a third woman, who was presumably in the same condition as us.

I watched as she managed to climb back into her chair, acting as casually as possible, considering the circumstances.

My heart raced as our kidnapper stepped back into the room, a panicked look spread across her face. As if she were the one who should be panicking.

Her face only contorted more as she noticed the disassembled mannequin laying on the floor. "I must've missed that part too," I thought to myself.

Next thing I knew, her hand was grasped around a pair of tailor's shears, her panic turning to disappointment. "Don't leave me," she practically begged the third woman.

She maneuvered her head to make eye contact with our kidnapper (admittedly something I wouldn't have had the gumption to do if she were holding scissors that close to me). "Let us go," she said, struggling to get her words out.

"I can't," she replied in a pout.

"Like hell you can't," I wanted to say. If it weren't for my lack of strength and the fact that she was holding shears, I might've let the sentence slip.

And then, in the amount of time it took to snap your fingers, it happened. I knew I'd be rescued.

"Samantha," an oddly familiar voice spoke behind me. Where did I know that voice? "Hi, my name's Spencer. I'm with the FBI."

My mind went hazy as I processed his words. Did the FBI really care enough to get involved in a couple missing persons' cases? I recalled wondering who'd want to put out a missing persons' report for me.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but the next thing I knew, I was surrounded by medics, the one on my right cleaning up where my IV had been placed while the one on my left listened to my heart beat.

Within minutes, I'd already started to feel my senses come back. Though it was a small victory, I'd never found so much relief as I had in discovering that I'd regained the ability to wriggle my fingers and toes.

The voice from earlier returned as he walked around the table, standing where all three of us could see him. "My name is Spencer Reid. I'm with the FBI," he repeated, his hands clasping together awkwardly. I could tell by the look on his face that he was internally searching for his words.

His face. Where did I know that face from?

His face. I could've stared at it all day if I'd been allowed to. I probably could've gotten away with it too, played it off later like the drugs had still been in my system, slightly paralyzing the movement of my eyes.

I held back my gazing, though I internally replayed visions of his features, from those hazel eyes to the tiny divot on his chin to the light shadow of a mustache above his perfectly plump lips.

OK, seriously, why could I recall so much about this man I'd just spent no more than seven seconds looking at?

"I'm Agent Rossi," a man with lightly peppering, raven hair spoke, breaking me from my strange state of déjà vu. "If it's OK, Agent Reid and I would like to collect some statements from you ladies once you've been thoroughly looked over at the hospital."

One of the other women managed a moan that signaled understanding, while I managed two nods of the head. I internally rejoiced once more at my second, small victory.

The entire ambulance ride, I thought about Agent Reid, beating myself up for not remembering where I'd previously run into this man. I played through flashback after flashback, memory after memory, attempting to place this FBI agent with stupidly pretty, shoulder-length hair.

I thought about it through my exam. I thought about it as I lightly chewed on a cup of ice chips one of the nurses brought me. I thought about it as he stepped behind the curtain, file in one hand and pen in the other, prepared to interview me.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Reid," he reintroduced himself for a third time.

Doctor Reid… why did that sound more familiar?

"I'm here to collect a few statements for the FBI, if that's OK," he continued on.

I nodded silently, swallowing down another ice chip. "I'm Y/N Y/L/N," I clarified, knowing he'd probably ask me for that anyway.

I noticed his eyebrows ruffling as he sat down, mouth creasing tightly as opened the file.

The room stayed silent for a beat, our eyes surveying each other as the two of us slowly realized that the other person was also experiencing a strange case of déjà vu. My cheeks felt hot as I processed how long his eyes had been on me.

He licked his lips lightly, an expression of either regret or embarrassment coming over his face. "Pardon me, but don't I know you from somewhere?"

Somewhere… the flash of a casino surged through my mind.

"Oh, my God! The Grand Diamond!" I finally placed his face. "You're the one who got banned after the owner lost $8,000 to you on discount night!"

His face blushed crimson, as if he'd almost forgotten this event. "I guess you're right. That did happen, didn't it?" he said, scratching at the back of his neck.

"Yeah, I used to be a bartender there."

His eyes narrowed, like he was remembering something else. "Yeah, you're the one that makes those delicious mojitos."

This time, I blushed. "I don't know about that. It might've just been that you had three of them. If I'd had that many, I would've passed out on the poker table," I joked.

My joke elicited a small chuckle to escape his lips. "I'm just glad to know my card counting abilities still stand even in my state of tipsiness."

Soon enough, he'd collected my statements, which was less than a fun experience for me, considering I had to relive all the events I'd been through in the last twenty-four hours.

I watched as he stood up from his chair, filed clutched closely to his chest as if he were afraid of losing it. He gave me a kind, farewell smile as he stepped closer to the curtain.

I couldn't tell who was more shocked when I spoke up one last time. "Hey, Dr. Reid?"

He turned back to face me, eyebrows furrowed once again. "Yes?"

"I, uh…" I searched for something to say, knowing that no matter what I said, I'd just incriminate myself. After a few awkward seconds of silence, I landed on, "I know of some really fun casinos in the area, much better than the Grand Diamond, considering it's not all that grand."

His mouth formed into a closed-lip grin. "We'll have to compare and contrast our lists, considering I've been kicked out of a majority of casinos here," he chuckled, reaching in his back pocket.

I nearly shivered as our fingertips brushed together, my eyes watching as he seamlessly slipped a business card into my palm.

"Get well soon," he commented as he turned away, and I could've sworn I heard him smirk (if that was possible).

"Hmm," I hummed to myself, "Maybe déjà vu isn't so bad after all."

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

Welcome one and all to my first Whumptober post! I hope you all enjoyed! 5x12 is definitely one of my favorite episodes and when I saw the "paralytic drugs" prompt, it automatically reminded me of this episode and I knew I had to write this!

Thank you all for being patient with me as I finished editing. This was of course supposed to be posted on the first, which i guess it's still technically the first in some places. Anyway, I apologize for this one being late but I promise, the rest will be posted on time! 🫶🏻

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

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↳ TAGLIST: @lowsodiumfreaks67 @drayshadow @alexxavicry @nomajdetective @kbakery @leigh70 @darkloverfox @sammyrenae68 @cherrycandle @asgardprincess97 @gh0stgurl @esposadomd @randomwriter1021 @eddieharrington @lunar-affection @givemeth @lavhoes @rhyanishere @gal-obsessed-with-marvel @danielle143 @marsmallow433 @handsupforamiracle @criminalmindsandmarvel @mente-sindescanso @reveriemgg @spencer-reids-adventures @ah-blossom @encyclo-reid-ia @reidselle @aislingcanning @dungeons-are-too-cold @RazorTai

☆𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒☆

[surplus-of-sarcasm]

Things My Characters Have Said

Ik I have an ask to answer, will get to it I promiseee! These quotes have been in my drafts and it's only now that I finally worked up the courage to post them!

🔹"No. I told you, that's not something I can get through. It's too advanced. It's hacking, not black magic."

🔹"It's not funny."

"A lot of people think my jokes are funny!"

"A lot of people are stupid."

🔹"Back off, big guy! I'm not scared of you!"

"So I take it you're shivering from excitement."

🔹"If there was a prize for having the world's most punchable face, I'm sure you'd win."

🔹"I'd rather have Ryan Reynolds narrating my internal monologue, but I'm too broke, so I'll just have to do it myself."

🔹"If the experience could possibly get better with the sluggish pace of the rom-com, it's worth mentioning the popcorn had dirty socks mixed with mouldy cheese for a flavour, with enough salt to cause hypertension as a nice aftertaste. "

🔹"So what's the plan?"

"I don't have a plan."

"But you're the smart one here, you must have a plan."

"Being the 'smart one' does not mean I come with a lifetime supply of plans in my pocket!"

🔹"I'm sorry my knife could not resist stabbing you. It needs better training."

🔹"Why aren't you answering me?"

"I'm busy."

"Busy doing what?"

"Ignoring you."

🔹"Your essay feels like a parental lecture. The same sentence being repeated over and over again, just with different words."

🔹*After accidentally getting high

"I'm not high!"

"I swear you are."

"I'm on the floor, not the ceiling! How is that high?"

🔹"Get off the dysfunctional moral high ground horse, please."

🔹"It's only 'illegal' if you're not doing it for the government."

🔹"Everyone who says boys don't know how to clean is a fool. Have you seen my brother's search history?"

🔹"Ah, Valentine's Day. More like, My Annual Reminder that I'm Still Single Day."

🔹"Okay, teenager, leather jacket and daddy issues. Where are the hordes of people swooning over me?"

(for the record these 2 characters do not fall in love)

🔹️ "You're not cool."

"I know, sweetheart. It's called being hot."

🔹"I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Well, my physics test results come out tomorrow, so by all means, go ahead."

🔹"Sometimes I wish I could IV some common sense into your bloodstream."

@feline17ff oc crack quotessss!

[nomairuins]

CONNOR ON REPEAT REVIEW AND COMMENTARY

1. it boy - bbno$

Its a good song 👍 this one has been on repeat the past couple of days. very catchy and such

2. What I Want - Gregor Mcmurray

this one hit the connor charts like idk May. i say idk. i checked lastfm to be sure. i wouldnt want to spread misinformation 2 my friends in neighbors. this one hit connorworld at the same time as satisfaction which probably is somewhere else on this list. GOOD SONG ! i try not to play it around my little brother bc while hes pretty good abt please and thank you i dont want him to learn a bad lesson. which is a stupid thing 2 think JDBDJFNFN

3. Tell Me - Wonder Girls

this one has been on my list for ages like basically since march or april (it ws around the first time i got back bc lamp did a big songs haul 4 me 💚💚) but idk it came on shuffle the other day and now ive had it on loop. Mainly while i was looking at the deathnote wiki (i do this often i just look t random wikis ive doen this to 5 wikis in the past like. week. have not seen death note) so whenever i hear it i picture misa. sooo yeah

4. Lust for a Vampyr

HUGEEEEE in the connor billboard hot 100 like last month or june . somewhere in there. this one i had going with WHERE ARE THEY NOW. i surposeni was feeling vaguely spooky... great somg 👍 it makes me think abt aus for my fuckass ocs. throwing them at a wall

5. Keep Up - Karma Carr

thank you dunmeshi fandom for making me find out abt this song i love this song. GREAT SONG ! as a great scholar once said i need you working harder baby done with all the yes no maybe.

6. Lay All Your Love On Me

i think somebody annoying did a cover or something or it was a different abba song but it made me mad so i went to go listen to more abba and i got a bit crazy abt this song. GREATTT SOMG i think went crazy roughly the same time as where are they now and lust for a vampyr. smile. or im mixing it up. GREAT SONG! and also. sorry. it makes me think of aus for my fuckass ocs. UGHHH (not talking abt them bc im bad abt them (got frustrated bc my brain doesnt work) but it makes me think of cadaver sooooo hard its crazy. but its also a great song if u arent thinking about a feak. obviously.)

7. She Keeps Me Up - Nickelback

one dont mock me im a beautiful woman. okay. i was having a nostalgic phase ans while neither this song or the song i was looping it concurrently with r songs i specifically knew as a kid they did remind me of something i could imagine like. my dad listening to (possibly while hanging out with my papaw). or that i could imagine hearing one of my uncles play at a cookout. and i had just gotten back from the fourth of july. and also like funky little monkey shes a twisted trickster is a fun line SRY. me and lamp got this in a discover weekly ages back and it just stuck in my head... catchy song . sry.

8. Bad Girlfriend - Theory of a Deadman

if you listen to this song and the previous song back 2 back you will understand why i was looping them concurrently. very similar vibes. they also make me conjure a woman in my brain and i think that woman is hot. so yeah.. lets move on.

9. I Was Made For Lovin' You Baby - KISS

i kept hearing the chorus to i was made for lovin you baby in my dreams but it was a beautiful haunted woman singing it. and so basically i started lisrening to the somg a lot but pretending it was the beautiful haunted woman. COME TO FIND OUT 1 i have afalsetto now yeahhh yeahhhh lets go testosterone yeahhhh slayage. 2. the beautiful haunted woman i imagined was my own falsetto. HUGE day for connor. me and lamp looped this skng os much bc it became one of our copycat things. where we often just sit together sying the same like 8 sentences or lyrics over and over. and this entire sogn went platinum in connor and lamp world. and . sry. if i squint my eyes a LOT it can be abt my ocs. I DONT THINK ABT THEM THAT MUCH I DONTT I DONT <- liar.

10. Butcher Vanity - Vane Lily, Jamie Paige, ricedeity

i think everybody this side of tumblr is awarenof Butcher Vanity so i dknt need to explain. this and keep up i believe were huge at around the same time... Good Song !!!! it was on the top for like. a month. insane. ty to my mutual who mentioned it in a lyric game lifechanging stuff.

11. Call Me - Blondie

i did make a post abt the mishap but basically me and my mom n lamp and maybe pheebs n maybe anna were driving back from somethingorother recently. idr details. i thot 4th but my dad wasnt there so... but anyways we were talking abt one hit wonders and blondie came up so we xhecked and they actually have a couple including call me but we didnt know if the call me on blondies page was the one that goes CALL ME ! (it is) so i ws like ill put it in the queue and after this song we r listening to it will play the blondie song call me . entirely forgetting i already had stuff in my queue. so we keep being Like om time for the blondie song bc we had been anticipating it and then fucking WOOWA comes on . Not a blondie song if u didnt know. i was mocked viciously by my wicked family members... Anyways and then i listened to this song a lot after that. so yeah. Good song. CALL ME!

12. Only - Nine Inch Nails

im half convinced this will be on my on repeat until the day i die. This song is sooo me 👍 i dont need 2 get into it bc it was here In my last on repeat commentary so you know. Good song though there is no you therenis only me there is no you there is only me there is no fucking you there is only me there is no fucking you there is only me ^_^ only ^_^ only ^_^ only ^_^ . etc. stream

13. WHAT YOU WANT! - asteria

this was huge around the same time as what i want and satisfaction. and also any way u want. lamp made fun of me for listening to so many wantinf songs at the same time.. SORRY! its a good song it xactually came before what i want and satisfaction in connor timeline. probably found it in a lampstie discover weekly. YAY!

14. Breakthrough - Twice

i had a rather brief but very strong kpop moment. specifically twice but also a few other songs. like i have a couple kpop songs i like normally but idk i just got rly crazy into like. 3 twice songs and 1 billlie song. and i listened to them exclusively nonstop for a couple days. dont know what it was abt. great song though like i like it... i think its bc i fell into a trap of watching fancams and those like MOST POPULAR MVS EVERY MONTH FOR EVERY YEAR videos. and i was like writing down notes. mostly twice notes evidently.

15. Does Your Mother Know - ABBA

the lyrics in this song honestly have not aged the best not that theyre Awful idt but yk . itis still a rly catchy song . i also might be overreacting bc i get kind of panicky abt stuff like this JDNDJFN but i do like the song

16. The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails

this was on my last discover weekly so im taking this time to say its crazy im down to only 2 nin songs on my on repeat. for a while it was 4+ DJDNFJNFJF ever since i did my big (re)listen (my parents have always been into nin and they were my favorite band as a kid (i had a nin baby onesie) but i didnt like. know titles or All the songs and stuff) but now its only 2... i did the other day listen to umm the downward spiral and with teeth on loop a couple of times. but since i listened to judt like. both albums twice that was only 2 listens for each song DJNDJFNF. so sad...

17. Virtual Insanity - Jamiroquai

wasss this on my last one idr. i think i started listening to this one pretty early post me moving back (i probably had heard it b4 idr DNDNJFNF) but its good. YAY! not much 2 say. good song and stuff

18. GingaMingaYo - Billlie

ya i saw the one fancam. you know and then i listened to the full song and then i just Keptt doing that. LOL. very catchy song i like it 👍👍 i also thought the mv was fun

19. BANG BANG - K'NAAN, Adam Levine

catchy. which im realizing is the main thing abt songs isnt it.. this ones platinum ATM its been this and tell me on repeat 4 a while. good song guys. she shot me she shot me bang bang she shot me. YAY

20. Not Like Us - Kendrick Lamar

you dont need me to tell you this but its good DJRNFKNFJF the mv came out and i just kept looping it 👍👍

21. WHERE ARE THEY NOW??? - emily jeffri

ok actuallt terrifying bc i am listening to my on repeat on shuffle rn and ull never guess what song started right when i wrote the number. Umm hey we were just talking abt you all nice things all nice things... ANYWAYS as i mentioned this one was looping w lust 4 a vampyr Different sort of vibes but theyre both kind of creepyesque. IDK theyre good. it also. sigh. worlds heaviest sigh. Yeahhh i fucking think abt the freaks with this one too. UGH

22. Head Over Heels - Tears for Fears

yet another thats probably never going to leave my on repeat... this song had a big moment 4 me a while ago and like. its goid 2 play in the car with the family bc everybody likes it. everybody always likes my music bc im a princess and im beloved but this and everybody wants to rule the world r like basically the safest songs ever LMAO and also its good and so fun to sing bc its like. well iw as gonna say in my vocal range. i think i usually have to sing an octave down JDNDJFN but that makes me super euphoric SO ya.

23. Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf, Lil Wayne

all music is on here either bc its catchy or bc im nostalgic this song is both. its like CONCENTRATED nostalgia idk why its like. One of those songs where like i listened to it a Ton during some undefined period in my childhood and then Didnt hear for a while so its like opening up an old box and findjng like. a toy you forgot abt. as opposed to other childhood nostlgia somgs that arent the same bc ive Been lidtening to them since like any aqua song LOL. thats more like my super worn out toy ive had since i was In utero. yk...

24. Not Ur Dream Girl - Precious

i have like 3 or 4 precious songs on my playlist i want more i like them ^_^ i need to lidten to more of her.. aside from this i have any way u want (first one i heard) sugar n spice and tell me tell me. YAY. i think not ur dream girl is my fav rn its so good

25. The Rest For The Wiked - Sohodolls

last vestige of my rly strong sohodolls moment. where i listened to Ribbed Music For The Numb Generation on loop. good album idt this is my favorite from it i think it might be my vampire... but its CLOSE i like this one and the others as well. this one was huge at the same way as any way u want which is a kind of funny comtrast but also i get it

26. Supermassive Blackhole - Muse

another probably permaresident... And another rly easy auxcord one. Ive talked abt it so u get it. good song its jumpscared me in 3 different pieces of media when i just wasnt rly prepared for it. even tho u think i would be. bc they were all from aroundish the same time period too... so ig it was just big then... But i didnt find it from any of those 3 media so it scare me everytime.

27. Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears for Fears

see basically everything i said abt head over heels LMAO its good 💚💚 i like singing it and stuff

28. Any Way U Want - Precious

ok actually this might still be #1 Precious song it came on shuffle while i was writing the past couple. GOOD SONG 👍👍👍 her voice is so pretty 2 me. yay

29. My Type - Saint Motel

the nostalgia it got me again... it was in a miniplaylist/challenge me and lamp made abt songs where theyre talking abt a woman where theyre like This woman sucks kind of but god i wont her. this one is a very loose fit but i wanted to include the tidbit.

30. Superbeast - Rob Zombie

this is vrazy bc it just msde me realize living dead girl is off of my on repeat. WERE LOSING BRAND RECOGNITION!!!! <- not even part of my brand anywhere (i also dont have a brand im just a crazy girl )i just rly like that song. i like sueprbeast tho. nostalgia won but its also a good song

[dangan-crackhead]

Punishment in Hopeful Imprisonment

[OPEN]

template by .. [𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐲| ]

----------------------

❝ 𝐈 𝐍 𝐃 𝐄 𝐗 ❞ ⛓

𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 ::

            Murder/Death, gore, violence, torture, medical suppies, disease, bullying (possibly), animal/child abuse (possibly)

i. Prologue

ii. Setting

iii. Plot

iv. Roles

v. Rules

vi. Form

----------------------

❝ 𝐏 𝐑 𝐎 𝐋 𝐎 𝐆 𝐔 𝐄 ❞ ⛓

i.

"Most acts are driven by emotion, consequences are the results. While regrets serve as punishments." 

- Nanno, Girl From Nowhere

How true. But as the regrets pile up, it can make a person colder, more calculating of their actions. Or the opposite. Become more primal, only driven by emotions and instincts. Either way, regrets can be incredibly motivating to progress in their way. 

What's wrong with that?

To progress forward and achieve one's goals in a new method. To seize life with their own two hands. 

Though, I suppose that isn't for everyone. 

Such means could be seen as harsh. And merciless. But desperation and despair that sprout from their regrets are stronger than others give credit for. Especially if an end goal involves one's freedom. No one enjoys being a dog in a cage.

I suppose freedom is an innocent goal, not necessarily defining one as a bad person. 

However, in one's freedom, the possibilities are endless. In one's freedom, there is always more than one goal. More than one act follows. Thus leading to a cycle. More acts that lead to consequences and regrets. 

Rather than being drowning in the neverending cycle, what are you willing to give to break those chains and free yourself from penitence? 

To free yourself is no small price, after all.

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❝ 𝐒 𝐄 𝐓 𝐓 𝐈 𝐍 𝐆 ❞ ⛓

ii.

It has been centuries since the world had suffered from the Tragedy. Even though Ultimates were the ones to throw the world into the thralls of calamity, the world placed value in them once again as they were also seen as the ones who healed the world afterwards. 

However, they were watched with a stricter eye. While one mistake could not strip their title, the consequences were much harsher. The world had to protect itself, to prevent the past from repeating.

It takes place in the universe of Danganronpa. However, it takes place far into the future, life is relatively normal and the Tragedy was just another historical event to the mind of the public. Ultimates face harsher sentences if they are found guilty of crimes and the public will likely never see the same.

----------------------

❝ 𝐏 𝐋 𝐎 𝐓 ❞ ⛓

iii.

"Guilty."

Sometimes, the world truly is merciless. 

"Due to the defendant's resources, they are not eligible for parole at this time."

You were an Ultimate. That's an undeniable fact. Your talent was unrivaled in your field, no?

But regardless, one can't escape from the consequences of their actions forever. Your situation was proof of that.

After high school you had a bright future ahead of you. At least, you thought so.

But here you are. Sitting in your little cell in Ghost Mountain Maximum Security Prison. A hell hole designed specifically to hold and keep Ultimates with all kinds of talents. An advanced security system that looked straight out of a sci-fi movie. Guards that, even on their good side on their best days, were unwavering and unmoving. A sound structure that could survive the Apocalypse. To say your treatment wasn't abhorrent would be a lie. You were treated just as poorly as any other prisoner of a maximum security prison. However, you all were specially treated to have minimal contact with your talents. 

True hell, no?

That day wasn't supposed to be anything special. Just another day. But then you were notified you had a visitor.

A strange occurrence, considering the guards made sure you had minimal contact with the outside world. Another security caution on their part. You were taken to an interrogation room. Strange, but stranger still, inside sat a woman you had never met before. You were handcuffed to the table on the opposite side of her. She was quiet for several moments, looking through some papers, just out of your reach. Finally, she sighed and spoke in a disappointed tone.

"From my perspective, your case is very open and shut. How unfortunate for a Talent like you. Wasting away here."

Why did she have to remind you?

"Would you like to start over?"

What?

"We can help you. It's worth the effort for someone like you. An Ultimate like you should be spreading your wings and seizing the world with your own two hands, no?"

Wait, what?

“I'm being serious. Returning to your flowery path. We have the resources to help you. 

"Would you like us to?"

"All we need from you is help with a slight experiment. A small one. That should be worth your freedom, yes?"

From the file, she pulled out a paper and slid it across the table to you within reach. Then she pulled out a crayon and rolled it to you.

"Security measures here are so suffocating, aren't they?"

You looked over the paper she gave you. You found a few questions strange, but the woman brushed off any question you had. After filling the form out in your crayon, she took back the paper and gave you another.

"This one is more for technical files rather than your application. Just fill it out. Then, we get things moving."

----------------------

❝ 𝐑 𝐎 𝐋 𝐄 𝐒 ❞ ⛓

iv.

ҩ 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚜

8/18

”Sinners’ are the contestants of the killing game. They are all Ultimates that have committed crimes resulting in imprisonment. They are given an opportunity to walk free with resources to mitigate their crime(s) in the eyes of the public, in order to return to their previous success. 

ҩ 𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚝𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜

1/4

”Spotless” are the traitors of this game. There are what can be seen as morally right and have never been convicted or known for any crime. Their goal is to get rid of all the sinners with whatever method they see fit, within the game rules. 

ҩ 𝚓𝚞𝚍𝚐𝚎

0/1

”Judge” is the mastermind behind this game. Their main goal is to survive until the end and work with the Spotless in getting rid of the Sinners. They are a former Sinner who had escaped a previous killing game as a “Redemned”.

----------------------

❝ 𝐑 𝐔 𝐋 𝐄 𝐒 ❞ ⛓

v.

ᝰ Hate the OC, not the admin

Sometimes, characters are made to be hated. If you disagree with an OC's actions, remember that the admin and their OC are not one and the same.

ᝰ No 18+

Please respect those who are not comfortable with this content. There will be no 18+ in public rp. Kissing, cuddling, etc. is fine with the other admin’s consent in public, but please keep it pg 13.

ᝰ Respect Triggers

If any of these topics are brought up for any reason in character, please put a content warning. If it is heavy in the conversation, please try to have a secret action chat, with consent from those included in the conversation. If it's in character, please add me so I can keep track of character info. If it's out of character, please feel free to privately dm the other party(ies) with their consent.

ᝰ Don't argue about OC Deaths

This is a killing game, so death is to be expected. If no one applies for a victim or blackened after a certain time, I will spin a wheel randomly to keep things fair.

ᝰ No Mary Sues, Metagaming, or God Modding

I feel this is a bit obvious, but I'm still going to say it. Please make your character balanced and skills reasonable. I'm not saying your character can't be strong, just not overpowered. As for metagaming, please don't let your character be influenced by outside conversations and knowledge. I understand it can happen as a mistake, as we all make them. However, please do not make it a constant thing.

----------------------

❝ 𝐅 𝐎 𝐑 𝐌 ❞ ⛓

vi.

¹ Full Name, Age, and Pronouns

[    ]

² Ultimate Talent and summary of acquirement of said talent

[    ]

³ Medical conditions, allergies, or special care we need to be aware of.

[    ]

⁴ Any crime convictions and sentencing? / Role?

[     ] / [     ]

⁵ Next of kin and/or emergency contacts.

[     ]

⁶ Any fears or phobias? (We need to be aware of external influences.)

[     ]

⁷ Any supplies you require? (Maximum of 3 items)

[    ]

OOC Form

Name and preferred pronouns?

[    ]

Time zone? (Doesn't affect your oc's acceptance)

[    ]

[c]Can you please give a literary example? 

[    ]

Did your OC lie in any question?

[    ]

Any triggers?

[    ]

----------------------

ᝰ Time Cycles

The day cycles are pretty simple. 2 OOC days are 1 IC day. The time this will be based on is mine, EST. 

ᝰ Motives and Trials

Between trials, there will be 3 free IC days for character interactions and development. After 2 IC days after motive announcements and no one has applied to the victim or blackened. 

ᝰ Murder

If you apply for a victim or blackened, I will give you a form to fill out. After the victim(s) and blackened are decided, I will create a secret actions chat with involved parties to rp the murder. However, please keep in mind, victims will have the opportunity to turn the tables.

ᝰ Investigating/Asking Host

If you'd like to ask the host or investigate again, use '❗' or ‘‼️' around your message and @ me to make sure I catch it.

ᝰ Secret Actions Chat (SAC)

These chats will be made between me and you to keep track of stats, relationships with NPCs, and currency. You'll be given a certain amount of points to balance your stats and currency can be earned through jobs. 

ᝰ Traitors

There will be a total of 4 traitors and one mastermind. You can apply for it in DMs. However, it is not first come, first serve. I will consider how well they fit this after we talk about your OC more in DMS. 

----------------------

◇When's the deadline?

February 18th

◇Can I spectate?

I'm limiting spectators to around 20 people. This role is first come first serve.

◇Is there an age range for OCs?

Yes, 18 to 23 in this game.

◇How many OCs can I apply?

You can apply more than one OC, but only one will be chosen. Only one OC per admin. They must be human as well.

◇Can I dm you my form?

If you'd prefer to dm me, please do so.

◇What kind of supplies can I have?

You can't have an animal, but some plants are allowed. However, they are going to be on the small side. So, nothing like a palm tree. As for weapons, things like knives and guns are not permitted. If you have any questions, please ask away.

◇What if my backstory doesn't line up with this plot?

That's okay! Show me what you have. If you need help, I’m more than happy to! 

[dragonboots]

Hello again, Hellsite.

Admittedly, i found this helpful before. Theres a different feeling, sharing my thoughts online knowing that there is even the slightest chance someone might read them, to the feeling of writing in a notes app and then forgetting it all completely. Part of me thinks i should be scared of the idea that anyone could find these little scribbles of my mind, but im oddly thrilled when i think that maybe someone could find this and feel just the same, and in turn see that they arent alone.

Today is a weird one. It feels like so many things are so very wrong that my mouth is sealed shut because it wouldnt know how to even start explaining everything. I find i feel like this alot.

Alot of the time, also, i might see posts similair to this and my brain always tends to conjure this image of someone lonely, whos problems are all in their head where they cannot escape. But thats never really it is it? Personally, id like to think i know a decent amount of people, quite a few i like and quite a few i despise. But its those people that make my problems feel like a drowning weight, because i feel i am trapped between them. Because i am not the one in control, i am the furthest possible from that. And i know that has always been one of the scariest fucking things for me.

Moreover, im in the middle of an oxymoron wrapped in a paradox. First of all im never middling. Im always high energy, blissfully ignorant, or low energy which comes with drowsy carelessness or tired yet violent anger. Second of all, i have been scared of a change all my life. This is an obvious fact to any and all who know me (often because i tell them, because i have a bad habit of oversharing occasionally. Im getting better at reigning that in.). However, recently a fear of all change in and of itself has evolved into a want for change, but only small changes that i can control. I feel as if my world would crumble if it shifted, but the constant weight its currently under is no better. Better the devil you know, i suppose, but that devil has me bored, and scared of a future it tells me is ahead yet i never feel approaching.

I dont intend to sound like a writer or poet with some of the fancy shit ive typed here. I intend to think, to write, and to try and put my thoughts into words as best i can, despite how much it feels like trying to catch a cloud. While writing this i realised just why it helps me so much to put this down (ive typed the word write so much it looks and sounds wrong now). I think it makes it easier to when you know someone might see it, or when it feels like im talking to someone rather than just jotting down rambling thoughts, because it forces me to think about how to properly structure my sentence, how to make it make a little more sense, but still keep the irrationality of my own human thoughts.

All this just to say, ive felt a little in pain, and a little like ive been sinking all day. This has lifted a weight of me, and if someone sees it i recommend you write too, if thats what youre into. Just get your thoughts out. Its a basic lesson weve all heard repeated a million times, but we never really remember. Dont keep the scary crap inside. As awful as it sounds, it helps to think someone out there might be scared with you.

[the-kipsabian]

💫🎀🎉💞💥🍭💎🪄💌

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback? i honestly love everything i get be it just 'good' or a keyboard smash or anything, but ive always been extra fond of feedback that states the commenters favorite part of the fic or picks apart their favorite sentences etc. cause to me that feels like they took the time not only to read, but also to try to invest themselves in the story and understand it and what the words i was putting down were fully trying to convey. they are the very special kinds to me personally <3

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing its the one i can keep repeating to the very end, but i love the way i can convey emotions in scenes. i think im pretty hecking good at that honestly

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!) oh wow i havent. actually rewarded myself for finishing and posting since i started doing it again lol. i do give myself credit when its due cause i think my work is pretty good at the moment so i dont feel like im posting subpar stuff, but i also dont know what to reward myself with. i cant afford anything and little things dont bring me much joy rn honestly lol. stay tuned maybe i figure this out

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language characters (and their relationships) and the overall mood. i usually want to convey a certain feeling through a scene so thats my top priority, and i take pride in my character work a lot so thats also up there, trying to make them feel as real as possible. reading-wise im a plot person tho, or again the mood is really important to me

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. (unspirisingly) insomnia. i just thought it was really cute. it also helped my anxiety while working on it and reading it afterwards a few times so like. yeah. its also the piece that got me into writing kip so thats very special

🍭why did you start writing? i have always liked stories. i was a lonely child with no friends and talents, writing was the one thing i was maybe good at and ppl complimented me on when i dared to share something with them. currently im doing it as an outlet and cause it just makes me happy and my god nobody else is writing these fics and ships (except you <3) and someone fucking has to LOL

💎why is writing important to you? i mean its pretty much the same answer as above lol. im sad, im lonely, trying to make something that makes me happy since i have almost completely fallen off from the drawing bandwagon and i need a creative outlet. its the one way im most comfortable expressing myself and it keeps me sane rn. its like the One Thing i feel im actually good at i guess

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic? recently i think all ive done after finishing something is either eat or go to bed lol. i also more often than not let the written stuff simmer for a while, depending how im feeling about it if its an hour or a few days before editing and posting so im not constantly overworking myself, but yeah. food and/or sleep is the most common thing rn. as stated above, i cant afford any big things to celebrate with and small things barely give me any sort of happiness rn

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited! i love how this question immediately drew my brain into a blank lol. i dont really have a lot of things actually in works right now, i just have a very long list of ideas and requests, theres only like. actually three things im trying to work on that i have started (and i might have to scrap at least one of them hmm). but immortal fears is always good!! chapter 3 WILL happen eventually, its maybe 2/3 written right now and i just really. REALLY enjoy writing chuck. so im excited to share that and hope that people like him as much as i do!!

fic writer asks ~

[clarencethemouse]

Eli/Hawk Moskowitz Relationship Headcanons

[insert funny and interesting description here]

I actually got carried away so for my one specific follower who likes Hawk, this is for you

Eli:

because they’re two different dating experiences, let’s be honest with ourselves

let me just start by saying he did not ask you out

you made the first move 

(which there is no problem with, especially if you’re a girl reader. Masculinity/femininity is not defined by willingness to take a risk of asking someone out)

but then some problems started

you know nothing about each other. Hardly any time spent together outside of school, and it only gets worse after the first week

this boy does not know how to function around you 

let’s assume for the sake of it, you didn’t start out as friends. So Eli had no time to warm up to you before things go serious

this was a mistake, you soon find out

so you break it off for a few weeks/months 

which sucked cause there was a strong mutual liking

this first go lasted a solid three weeks

but in good conscience he couldn’t be with you knowing he couldn’t force out three solid sentences at a time, much less go on a date. And you didn’t see yourself being happy in a relationship where he buried his face every time your eyes came anywhere in the vicinity of his being

during this break you two got to know each other at your own paces, and there was no longer any pressure to be this perfect macho boyfriend for you, and you no longer felt like you were the one applying that pressure

you engaged with Demetri as well, who DID NOT like you at first

then Demetri warmed up to you a bit once he saw how happy you were making his best friend

then... take two

eventually you come to a point where you ask him out again, and this time he is more than willing to accept

more confident in who he is and his place in this world as a human

you bond over comics and video games

if you hadn’t liked them before, he introduced you

and even if you still don’t like them... that’s okay, too! There are other things in the world this boy is interested in!

the relationship is so caring and full of adoration

I feel like he actually was the first to pop the big three words, and it was terrifying for him

a complete weight was lifted off his chest when you repeated it

you’re still going strong by the time Miguel shows up and karate starts up in the Valley again

...and things slowly start to decline

he gets the mohawk and changes his preferred name, which is a shocker

you comply ~ through reluctance ~

this is not your sweet and kind boyfriend

this is not the boy you fell in love with

you end it with him a few weeks after the All Valley. You just couldn’t take it anymore

Hawk was no longer your precious Eli. You doubted anyway that if Hawk had been the one to ask you out all those months ago (almost a year), you would not have considered. They were not the same person

he was your first heartbreak

Hawk:

you guys get in trouble. A lot

you met while he was Hawk. So you never knew Eli. You only knew this bad ass rebel with sick hair and body art

the dynamic is definitely different than the other situation

you’re the only person he allows to see his hair down. Absolute only

he could be sent to the ER, and instead of worrying if they need to remove an organ he’s begging them to place him in the bed in a way that will preserve his mohawk

and you scold him for it through the tears of watching him hooked up to the IV

(hypothetical situation you’ve worried over^^)

I feel like you two don’t say “I love you” audibly very often. In times of stress and utmost happiness (no, get your minds out of the gutter)

but he’s not a very vocally affectionate person, I don’t think

that being said, he is physically affectionate

maybe the most out of the entire group

the entire damn world WILL know whose you are, and they WILL have to accept it

cause you’re perfect

and he has a perfect thing

you grace him with your presence every day. He’s so lucky

he totally wants you to dye your hair a matching color

and you totally do

finds a way to tattoo you onto his body, no matter how difficult your name is to make art out of. He’ll search for anything

this man is creative. He could come up with something

sneaking into each other’s bedrooms are an every week occurrence

your parents know about it, though you don’t think they know. But they do

Hawk tries so hard to keep up the macho man vibe around you, but it becomes strenuous. With everyone else he only has to act hours at a time. But there are times during the summer when you’re practically living in his basement, so his mach man vibe becomes a full time acting job

he thinks you don’t see through his facade. You do

regardless of whether or not you cared anything for Robby in this world, you didn’t after the forced cut. Any ties remaining with Cobra Kai were completely severed, and you were happy to do so 

You hated Robby

Hawk begged you not to act on anything and put yourself further in harm’s way, but what can you say? There’s a reason you two have been together for so long

you are 90% of each other’s impulse control

so... you can imagine how that played out

---

Robin

[hella1975]

I'm writing this ask as I read the new update so here, we go.

Initial reaction to the first two paragraphs: Absolutely immaculate. Perfection. Incredible. All the praise. I read the first paragraph and immediately had to take a moment to fully process what it was I'm about to read because I forgot how YOU write. Like 'Oh yeah this is HELLA.' (I've probably read hundreds of books in my life and you're the best author I've ever read). It's like I've been fueling my hunger with the fanfiction equivalent of empty calories since your last update, and I feel like a starved child sitting down at a feast and immediately I had to take a moment to take it all in.

I'm where Bato is in the tent with the book and Hella, let me tell you. I've already been struggling with my sexuality recently and if this makes me even more confused, I swear I'm gonna-

"He could point to these sentences and say look, here, that's where I fit." - That's going to be the part I maim you over. I'm barely into this update and already you're doing this crap. Mind you I'm ace, so I decided I'm projecting onto Kanut.

"Maybe there are types of love you can't access." AAAHH. The way you talked about this is so perfect, I can't with you.

I love Sokka and Zuko and the way you write them. It's so incredible.

Bato you menace

It's good to know that Bato ships Tomnook.

I don't usually like Bato. Not in the show, not in the other fics, but I absolutely love him in taob.

Tomnook you menaces

"If a flower was enough to rob a man of his strength, then perhaps he wasn't so strong to begin with." Love that, 10/10, using that on my sexist relatives one day.

WERE GETTING SOME KANUT AND ZUKO SCENES THIS IS NOT A DRILL- I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL (I love those two so much)

It was shortlived, nvm

ITS HAPPENING AGAIN AND APPAS THERE TOO

AAHAHAHAHH THATS TOO PERFECT HELLLA I HATE YOU SM WHY DO YOU DO THIS WHAT THE FFFFFF

"Needed to vent, you're a fantastic listener." Kanut you king

Hella that was absolutely beautiful. You deserve all the kudos all the fame jk rowlings career all of it. Sexuality is such a touchy subject and you handled it completely perfectly. I can't put into words how perfect that last scene was, I love that old healer.

You are genuinely the best writer I have ever seen and you are incredible at writing everything everyone else does a crap job at and I admire you so much and I aspire to write something this incredible.

I dont like commenting on ao3 so I just decided to leave this in your ask box thing :)

❤❤❤

Also, this is the same anon who has a list of their favorite things about you (lists are kind of my thing) and I have something I would like to add onto the list. I'm just going to tag this onto this specific ask because why not. It's also completely unrelated to the rest of this ask.

That is the way you tag things. You're the funniest person I follow and you show that in the way you tag things on here. I think I mentioned you're general chaoticness before, but thats unrelated to how hilarious you are. I can't even put it into words, like why the things you say in tags always make me laugh but they do and yeah.

list anon im literally slow dancing with u we're two slow dancers last ones out im twirling u in my arms i cant do this rn. parts of this ask that knocked me out:

'I've probably read hundreds of books in my life and you're the best author I've ever read' YOU CANNOT JUST SAY THIS TO ME AND EXPECT ME TO BE NORMAL ABOUT IT

'I love Sokka and Zuko and the way you write them. It's so incredible' okay ive said briefly in the past that im SUPER anxious about every aspect of taob zukka like im hyperaware of it every scene i write of them just bc i feel people have waited so long for it that it's now my job to execute it Perfectly or people will be let down, so every time i get even the smallest compliment about taob zukka i get soooo giddy

'Sexuality is such a touchy subject and you handled it completely perfectly' i cannot stress enough how nervous i was for this chapter like i wanted to do it justice so fucking badly so this is just very <333 yeah

'You are genuinely the best writer I have ever seen and you are incredible at writing everything everyone else does a crap job at and I admire you so much and I aspire to write something this incredible' BARK BARK GROWL HISS BARK GRRRRRRRR

'You're the funniest person I follow' TO THINK THAT WE COULD STAY THE SAME BUT WE'RE TWO SLOW DANCERS LAST ONES OUT-

[rogue-durin-16]

AN UNUSUAL YEAR (Part I/V)

Summary: After having little to no interest on girls for five years, Fred suddenly feels the need to nag the shit out of a certain witch, completely oblivious to the reason behind it.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Slytherin!Reader

Genre: fluff (+ enemies to lovers)

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: none

A/N: I'm currently going through a Harry Potter fever ('tis the damn season), so I thought I'll write something. I might write more of this story, (maybe turn it into a multipart) we'll see. If you'd like to be tagged in this, let me know.

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

I had always supposed that reaching the sixth year at Hogwarts meant subjects would get way more demanding and complex, and I to be proven right, only two weeks in were needed.

Added to the usual difficulties, we would be hosting The Triwizard Tournament. Having the castle be almost twice as crowded as the other years, when all you crave is a quiet spot to study, wasn't ideal.

As I said, the first two weeks were already hard enough.

During the third week though, believe it or not, things got even worse —and our guests hadn't even arrived yet.

The Slytherin common room was quieter than the library these days, that's the sole reason why, at 3:35 pm, my best friend and I were already making our way there.

To our luck, we arrived just in time to see the two redheaded troublemakers par excellence high-fiving each other besides my common room's entrance.

"What on Merlin's beard are you two doing here?!" Both of them jumped at the sight of two Slytherins.

"The question is what are YOU doing here?" One of them questioned back, probably attempting to distract us. "You two should be in the library."

"What did you do?" I squinted my eyes at them and, while one raised his hands in surrender, the other just shrugged.

"Nothing." He motioned at our door nonchalantly. "If you don't believe me, check it yourself."

My friend and I shared a reluctant look, and before I could say anything, she was heading to the door.

"Mathilda wait—" I gasped when she sunk into what appeared to be the stone floor.

"Okay now, I wasn't expecting her to actually do it." When I attempted to step forward, a hand on my forearm prevented me from it.

"Don't step further." He warned. "Just in case."

"I'm not stupid." I hissed before grabbing my wand, which made the tall redhead back off. "Revelio." Slowly, a swamp was revealed to be where the entrance hall to the Slytherin common room was supposed to.

Now that it was visible, both twins hurried to get my friend out of their giant prank.

"Get rid of this." I ordered as they pulled her up, her bottom half covered in mud.

"Pffft... no?" One of them scoffed, walking away from Mathilda and stepping closer to me. "It's a masterpiece. It stays."

"If it stays, I will throw you into your masterpiece." I threatened, putting my wand back in my pocket.

"Oh, I'd love to see you try."

I glared at him, partially because I hated that cocky attitude these two —specially him— always exhibited, but also because I had to look up in order to make eye contact.

"Listen Weasley,"

"It's Fred." Oh what would I give to wipe that stupid grin off his face.

"I don't care." Refusing to step back as he clearly wanted to achieve by towering me, I stepped forward, lightly pushing him back with one hand. "You will remove this from here or I will walk right now to the Potions Classroom and split on you."

The twins seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes only. After a moment of silence, the one with my friend spoke. "We'll get rid of it right now and you won't say anything." I nodded, my eyes still fixed on Fred's. "Just so we're clear, this was not set up for you."

"The next one will be, though." Fred assured me with an almost wicked smile. "I'll make sure you can't use the revelio on it."

"Is that a promise, Weasley?" I asked in an unconsciously defying tone.

"You can be sure of it, Y/l/n."

"It's Y/n." I retorted, mocking him.

"I don't care." I rolled my eyes when he did the same, finally breaking eye contact with him.

"C'mon Thilda," I held out my hand to her "let's see if someone can sneak us into the Ravenclaw common room."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You think Fred meant it?" Mathilda inquired, the worry slipping through her words as she played with her breakfast.

"I doubt so." Angelina, who was sitting in front of us, replied without even looking up from her quidditch history book. "They seem more trouble than they are, really." I scoffed; it was easier for her to say that; she was a Griffindor after all. "Deep down they're nice sort, Y/n. They won't pick up on you for ruining a prank."

"I don't trust them."

"I'm not saying you have to—" Angelina jumped slightly when a wad of paper hit my face.

"You were saying?" I grunted, making eye contact with the red haired boy waving at me from the Griffindor table.

When I opened the wad, it read:

'miss me? —Fred ;)'.

"Look at his smug face." I hissed. "I'm gonna-"

"Ignore him. You're gonna ignore him." Angelina finished, fairly unconcerned. "I assure you he'll get bored in less then two days if he can't get a reaction out of you."

For the sake of having breakfast in peace, I only dedicated him a fake smile and did as my friend said. It seemed to work, until it was time to leave for class.

"We should get moving." Mathilda spoke, putting her plate aside and picking up her things as I did the same.

"I have a free period now." Angelina informed us. "Or as free as it can be. You?"

"Divination. Y/n?"

"Charms— Fuck." I whined as something dawned on me. "Those gits are in my class." I spared them a glare. "If they ruin my favorite subject I'm gonna—" a sudden splash of water on my face left my shirt soaked for at least the next hour. "You got the nerve—!" I yelled at the guy who was already making eye contact with me.

"I do, indeed!" He cut me off, winking at me from across the table, his chin resting on the palm of his hand with a teasing grin dancing on his lips as he asked, "what are you gonna do now, Y/l/n?" His twin brother, though I could only see his back, was clearly not enjoying this behavior.

Mathilda checked my gaze, dreading the worst. "Y/n, don't. You're gonna make Slytherin lose points." She knew the warning wouldn't do much, but at least she had tried.

Angelina, instead of backing our friend and try to calm me down, got up and walked to the table where the Weasleys sat.

FRED'S P.O.V.

"I hope you know you're dead." Angie stood in front of me, before using her book to tap my brother's arm. "George, move."

"What?"

The three of us spared a look at Y/n, who had, ignoring McGonagall yells, stepped over her table to get to us.

"Move. Now."

"Ssshit." My brother moved just in time for Y/n to repeat the same forward move on our table.

It's not as if I didn't have the time to move and run away, she hadn't rushed; on the contrary, she walked calmed and composed, and still I did not move an inch.

I guess a part of me wanted to know what she'd do to me.

"Look at you." I began to wind her up again when she climbed off the table on my side, sitting down on its surface with her shoes over the bench. "Doing the impossible to be near me, how romant—"

My sentence died off abruptly as a handful of scrambled eggs was mashed against my face.

I heard a burst of laughs around me. "Blimey! I'm sorry, Fred," she feigned worry, smearing what I assumed were the remaining rests of my breakfast all over my chest. "I hope you're not late to Charms because of this." She whispered near my ear, making a shiver go down my spine when her breath hit my neck. "See you there, yeah?"

Her hand squeezed my shoulder and her fingers ran over my shoulder blades as she walked away.

I felt a napkin placed in my hand and I was quick to remove as much scrambled eggs as possible from my face, just in time to see Y/n exiting the Great Hall with McGonagall jogging after her.

"You know?" Lee asked, drawing my attention. "Picking up on the girl you fancy is kind of a toddler strategy."

"Yeah, Fred," my brother agreed. "you're not an eighth year-old anymore."

"And you chose the wrong girl to nag" Angie added," if you keep it up, she will surely kill you." She held back a teasing smile. "And you should be careful" she nudged George. "I don't think she can tell you both apart, you can end up as collateral damage."

"But you wouldn't let that happen, would you?" I rolled my eyes when George scooted closer to our quidditch chaser.

"Depends on how annoying you are." She faked indifference as my brother searched for her eyes.

"I don't fancy her." I not-so-randomly stated. "But I can't stop pranking her now that she ruined my breakfast."

"You can and you will, Weasley." I jolted at McGonagall's voice behind me. "Twenty points from Gryffindor." At least I'm not grounded, I thought. "And you're grounded for the rest of the week."

"But Y/n— Ouch!" my brother kicked me under the table so I would shut it.

"Y/l/n has received her fair share of punishment, too, Weasley." The professor gave me a poorly masked, disgusted look. "Go and..." She waved her hand "Clean yourself up, Y/l/n will inform professor Flitwick about this incident. And Weasley," She stared at my brother. "Aren't you supposed to be heading to Charms too?"

"Yes ma'am." He replied, throwing everything into his bag, getting up and rushing out of there, not before grabbing his robe.

"The day's promising." I groaned, handing my things over to Angelina so I could go to the bathroom.

"You made the day promising by messing with a Slytherin, you twit." She pointed out, putting my things over hers. "Now go clean those eggs from your shirt."

"Aye, mother!" I headed off before Angie could add anything else to the conversation, loosening my tie as I moved forward.

As I cleaned off everything I could in the nearest bathroom, a random thought slipped into my mind.

Had Y/n been punished too? And if so, would we fullfil the punishment together? It seemed logical that if one of us got grounded, the other one would get grounded too; consequently, it would only make sense for us to—

Shut it. I mumbled to my own mind.

I didn't care. I did not care if she was punished or not. It was none of my business.

I don't fancy her, I thought to myself once again.

[astradrifting]

GRRM really created so many parallels and foreshadow using the DoD characters that honestly we could just figure the asoiaf ending by analyzing it. My favorite is the Aegon III-D@ny parallels, the fact that one of his closest allies was a face-scarred Master of coin Lannister who ended as Hand to Bran' parallel character just make it so obvious its funny.

Oh my god I didn’t even realise Tyland Lannister was initially on the greens’ side! I’m not super fond of Tyrion ending up as Hand, but you’re right that it’s so obviously meant to reference him. There’s so many parallels that it’s a little crazy. I don’t want to say that the second Dance will end exactly as the first did, it’d be a little too neat if history repeated entirely, but you can see so many echoes of it even in the show’s bastardised ending.

“The broken, shattered realm suffered for a while yet, but the Dance of the Dragons was done. Now what awaited the realm was the False Dawn, the Hour of the Wolf, the rule of the regents, and the Broken King.”

(TWOIAF, Aegon II)

I’m not sure what the False Dawn is going to parallel to, it refers to the period of time after Aegon II’s death but before Lord Stark got to King’s Landing, when people thought that peace had finally come. It kind of brings to mind the War for the Dawn, though personally I think that the threat of the Others will be resolved before the Dance is over. The Hour of the Wolf is obviously about House Stark’s rise back to power, and the Broken King is Bran - though if he actually becomes known as Bran the Broken I might end up committing violence ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. 

The parts about Lord Corlys Velaryon are why I’m so hopeful that Jon’s book ending will be completely different from the show’s. He’s arrested for Aegon II’s death by Cregan Stark, even though Cregan had previously declared for Rhaenyra, because as TWOIAF puts it, “to kill a cruel and unjust king in lawful battle was one thing. But foul murder, and the use of poison, was a betrayal against the very gods who had anointed him.”

Corlys didn’t deny his guilt, and expressed no regret. “What I did, I did for the good of the realm. I would do the same again. The madness had to end.”

Cregan Stark declared him to be guilty of murder, regicide, and high treason, and he was sentenced to execution. But many spoke in his defence, even people who had fought against him in the Dance. Baela and Rhaena Targaryen, Corlys’ granddaughters and Aegon III’s half-sisters, convinced Aegon to issue an edict pardoning Lord Velaryon, which Alysanne Blackwood then convinced Cregan to let stand. Lord Velaryon was pardoned and even restored to his offices and honours, made one of the king’s regents and given a place on the small council.

Corlys’ words definitely could be Jon’s as well, a much more in-character declaration post-D@ny’s death than the drivel GoT tried to feed us. I was worried for a bit that this would be how Tyrion is let off scot-free, but Baela and Rhaena, who were vital to his release, are such obvious Arya and Sansa stand-ins, and they’re certainly not going to expend any effort in helping Tyrion. So Corlys’ circumstances more likely lays the groundwork for how Jon will be freed and remain in political power, while Tyland frankly inexplicably becoming Aegon III’s Hand after he was in favour of brutally killing him parallels Tyrion managing to fail up, as a way of reconciling the old regime with the new one.

This makes Tyrion becoming Hand more palatable IMO. Either Jon and Tyrion both should have been punished or neither should have been punished, not the travesty where Tyrion gets everything he’s ever wanted while Jon is exiled to a Watch with no purpose and a Wall that’s already half-collapsed, so what exactly can it protect against? I suppose they were afraid of seemingly rewarding Jon for killing d@ny, especially if pol!Jon had been revealed, but most people noticed how nonsensical his ending was, and it just led to ‘Bloodraven/Bran is the real villain’ takes anyway.

(Side note: Asha/Yara basically still being loyal to D at the end annoys me so much, and made no sense. Jon did more to help save her by giving Theon that pep talk than D@ny did. Maybe it was a leftover from her taking Victarion’s role in the story, but in no reasonable world is anyone going to listen to the Ironborn who brought the Fire threat over in the first place.)

Of course Tyland Lannister isn’t actually Hand for long, given that he dies barely two years later from Winter Fever, feared and hated, alone except for a maester and King Aegon. It might be an indication that Tyrion will face a similar fate, that he’ll die after he’s seemingly won, exactly what he threatened Cersei with:

“A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you'll know the debt is paid."

(ACOK, Tyrion XII)

So that I can stop talking about Tyrion, here’s some facts about Rhaena and Baela that are obviously meant to reference Sansa and Arya, so much so that it feels a little bit like GRRM is winking and going “See what I did there? Huh? Huh? Did you see??”:

- their descriptions: “Rhaena was slender and graceful; Baela was lean and quick; Rhaena loved to dance; Baela lived to ride...” + “Baela was wild and willful”, “more boyish than ladylike”, and kept her hair cropped short as a boy’s

- Rhaena spent most of the Dance in the Vale, where she lived in relative comfort as the ward of Lady Jeyne Arryn. Baela was a dragonrider and so moved between Dragonstone and Driftmark, but was captured on Dragonstone when Aegon II descended upon it

- Rhaena was favoured to be queen after her brother, considered more qualified than her wild sister

- Baela liked to spend time with “unsuitable companions” she would bring to the Red Keep - including a comely juggler, a blacksmith’s apprentice whose muscles she admired (!!!), a legless beggar, a pair of twin girls from a brothel, an entire troupe of mummers once

- After her brother’s regents tried to marry her to a lord 40 years older than her, Baela escaped the Red Keep by climbing out of a window, trading clothes with a washerwoman, then walking right out of the front gate. She ran away to Driftmark and married her supposed cousin (though more likely he was her half-uncle), the legitimised bastard Alyn Velaryon, which might have had me worried about j0nrya if Alyn weren’t best known for being a daring sailor who went on many voyages, including sailing the Sunset Sea, until he was finally lost at sea during Aegon IV’s reign. Alyn’s mother was also called Mouse, for being “small, quick, and always underfoot.”

- another fun fact about Alyn: he’s a bad haggler, and had to agree to a high ransom and many concessions in order to get Prince Viserys returned to Westeros. This automatically disqualifies him as a Jon stand-in, because as we all know, Jon Snow can haggle like the best of fishwives.

- My absolutely favourite detail that has my jonsa heart singing - Rhaena was more dutiful than her sister and would have married a man that the king and council chose, saying that as long as he was “kind and gentle and noble, I know that I shall love him.” She was able to marry her first choice, whom the regents didn’t immediately approve of but that they ultimately accepted  - Ser Corwyn Corbray, the brother of the Lord Protector of the Realm, a second son (!) whose late father had gifted him the Valyrian steel sword Lady Forlorn (!!!)

And as a treat for @istumpysk, some similarities between Rickon and Viserys II!

- the youngest child of their family

- separated from their older brother after they were forced to flee their home, trying to get to safety while their other brothers and mother were at war

- worshipped their oldest (half-)brothers, but were closer to the brother nearest their age

- spends the war stuck on an island, populated by people closely linked to their family’s origins - Skagosi are descended mostly from the First Men, while Viserys was on Lys, where the blood of Old Valyria still runs strong

- sought by/held hostage by a powerful and wealthy family, who will treat them well but whose intentions are dubious

- will be brought back from exile by an upjumped bastard/commoner from a port town who was raised to lordship and became their monarch’s chief admiral

- after they are returned, long after the wars and crises, is happily welcomed as the heir to their older brother’s throne (shhhhh just let me have this, let the baby live)

Thanks for the ask!

[hyukaroki]

so computer decided to shut itself off midway and not save my full on essay and as much as id love to rant about ruikasa arthritis has already been kickin my ass this week and i dont wanna push it too much

–

ok first i must start this off with their silly lgbtq hcs or a lot of this is gonna make no sense. i am saying this as if any of this will ever make sense to anyone but me

tsukasa is aroace, demi-queerplatonic, achillean, transmasc, demiblux, and i cant find it for the life of me but ive seen it before and its this xenogender thats a mix of princegender and pupgender and thats tsukasa right there fr. tsukasa uses pup/pet/woof/he prns 

rui is aroace, queerplatonic, pan, agender. rui uses web/comp/.exe/nya/they/he/she prns

–

tsukasa has bpd too but both pup and rui are autistic. tsukasa is a big sensory heavy guy and gets overstimulated super easily while rui is like an immovable force and there is not enough simulus in the world. rui has apraxia and tsukasa has echolalia 

occasionally there will be times where both struggle to form sentences, tsukasa will take over by repeating lines hes learned in plays or song lyrics that wxs have covered. nene and emu are aware of these facts and have gotten used to them and are able to understand both well even when non verbal

rui struggles to take care of herself as web never gets those feelings of like when your hungry, you have to pee, your thirsty, stuff like that. in response, tsukasa (who never feels thirsty and also never knows that he has to pee btw) will randomly bring nya food and water throughout the day pet also sends them texts that r like “rui i know you are about to piss yourself cus i am too”. but at the same time rui worries for tsukasa a lot cus pup doesnt like others to know pet is struggling so randomly rui will also text tsukasa completely random like the first thought in .exes head cus they know tsukasa ADORES getting texts from rui especially big notification texts so rui will just send 20 texts talking about nothing really just in the off case tsukasa is having a bad day additionally rui just really loves to text tsukasa 

they copy each other a lot, a lot of it is unconscious. tsukasa echos the way rui mispronounces things and a lot of comps sentence structure. pup was afraid itd make rui feel insecure but she doesn’t mind. they color coordinate outfits accidentally a lot, also theyve kind of adapted eachothers styles and wear clothes thatd you go hrm that looks like something rui/tsukasa would wear

rui paints both of their nails, one cus its cute and two cus its a small attempt to get tsukasa to stop biting pets nails. they wear matching nail colors where like the pointer finger is the other persons main nail color yk. tsukasa always makes an attempt to show off woofs hands as much as possible when they are painted cus pups partner did an amazing job and you should be rlly jealous rn

tsukasa is terrified of dragonflies and butterflies due to their misleading pretty appearances to what pup considers a terrifying face. had a night when he was little where pet was convinced there was a snake in woofs bed and refused to sleep it in but was afraid to get yelled at by pups parents for waking them up so he slept on the floor terrified. i say this to say tsukasa has like delusions idk if thats the right word a lot. mainly they deal with pet feeling like there are bugs crawling all over him, rui has to reassure him a lot

[buffaloborgine]

Of Zack Fair, Genesis Rhapsodos and the strange narrative POV of FFVII-Crisis Core (Part IVa)

Part I: https://buffaloborgine.tumblr.com/post/650462647672766464/of-zack-fair-genesis-rhapsodos-and-the-strange 

Part IV preface: https://buffaloborgine.tumblr.com/post/656609254197936128/of-zack-fair-genesis-rhapsodos-and-the-strange  ___________________________________ 

Warning: As always, I copy paste this warning over and over just in case you ignore it and keep reading down.  “This series is very controversial, it may not fit with what you know or remember about Crisis Core. So please, read the former parts (I did put the link to Part I in case you are new reader) before putting your foot further down below.” P/s: I welcome all kind of discussion. I love discussion. But this subject is an OBJECTIVE subject, please make sure to keep your bias and prejudice out of discussion. Thank you.  ___________________________________

A 1st class SOLDIER deserted, taking a handful of 2nd and 3rd class SOLDIERs with him, the mass desertion was so devastating that it crippled the SOLDIER department. But... 

A young man strives forwards with all he can, hoping one day he would be recognized as the “Hero” only to realize that... 

An ambiguous email from the leader of the department, talking with encrypted words... 

The “Hero” who has the privilege to veto orders... 

When everything falls apart, just comfortably throws the blame on someone you has prejudices about, no matter if that is right or wrong. 

What you see may just be the tip of the iceberg.  The question is...  Who is the one that should take the blame? 

1. Zack sees life through rose colored glasses 

Zack’s POV in the beginning of the game gives you an important perspective to examine. It’s his naivete.  Shinra is good.  Sephiroth is his hero.  Angeal is his honorable mentor, who can do no wrong.  Genesis is... an asshole deserter who took a bunch of 2nds and 3rds with him, crippling the department, in other word, Genesis is a traitor in Zack’s eyes.  At the start, to Zack, the world is just white and black, the good and the bad. He has no concept of the in between, the grey zone. 

When Zack first started to join SOLDIER, his goal is to become the “Hero” as he was inspired by the heroic figure, Sephiroth. At the end of Crisis Core, before you fought Genesis in Banora Underground, you also realized that Genesis used to be like Zack, inspired by the “heroic Sephiroth”.

Then what about the other SOLDIERs in the department? How many of them are like that? Inspired by this one “heroic” Sephiroth to join in SOLDIER?

Do you start to feel like this is is similar to fishing with a bait? 

And I know you guys reading up to this point may think that “Yeah, we all know Shinra is evil, what’s the problem with them using Sephiroth as a bait to lure in young men to join SOLDIER?”  Well, congratulation, you hit the right spot. That’s exactly what I want to speak about.  Why do you feel comfortable with that information? 

While you think you are not under the effect of Zack’s POV, the sad news is, you are. Because, you didn’t realize that you too, are being comfortable with just knowing about it but doing nothing.  You see Zack at the protagonist of the story, he is on the right side, which in this case, is on Shinra’s side. So then anything that opposes Zack, or opposes Shinra, must be wrong, no?  No matter how you deny it, saying that you know Shinra is evil, when you start playing Crisis Core, you subconsciously adapt to Zack’s POV, thus, you start brushing off minor, complex and ambiguous details that could rival your belief.

This leads to the next problem that we have to discuss. 

2. Unfairness and Inequality in SOLDIER

So according to Genesis’s diary in Crisis Core and Tifa’s memory in Trace of Two Past, we get the information about Sephiroth has been famous as the “Hero” since he was very young. 

We don’t know the exact date in the diary that Genesis wrote that line “the hero Sephiroth” but we know for sure that he and Angeal joined SOLDIER from when they are still in their teenage years, because Crisis Core began in [ μ ] - εγλ 0000, at that point, Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth are just 20 years old. So they have to be working in SOLDIER for years before that, for Angeal and Genesis to reach 1st class rank. Therefore we can assume that Genesis and Angeal must have joined SOLDIER in their teenage years.  

The Trace of Two Pasts novel gives us the info that when Tifa was 6 or 7 years old, her mother compared Cloud to Sephiroth, saying that Cloud could be even more beautiful than Sephiroth. Tifa is born in  [ μ ] - εγλ 1987 and Sephiroth is born in  [ μ ] - εγλ 1980, according to the FFVII Timeline on the wikia (if you found any source stating differently from this, please let me know), so we can tell that Sephiroth was just 13-14 years old when he was already hailed as the “hero”, for he was well-known amongst people not in Midgar. 

Even if Sephiroth is truly strong that he can solo defeat many Wutai soldiers at once, but since war is never a solo effort, if Sephiroth fought in one battlefield, there has to be other SOLDIER group fighting on different battlefields during Wutai War, right? 

Then, where are they?  You can say that Sephiroth is a “hero” of one battlefield, but you can’t say that he is the “hero” of a whole war. Even in a possibly mythical war like the Trojan war, there can’t just be one hero. 

We know for sure that it’s not “Sephiroth soloing the whole Wutaian army” because in Dirge of Cerberus online section, we know that Shinra has like 13 SOLDIER Units working during the Wutai war, with the exception of 14th SOLDIER Unit, the Lost Force.   So... if Sephiroth can really solo the whole battle out on his own, according to Shinra hailing him as he only “Hero”, then why do Shinra have to enlist more SOLDIER participants? 13 Units is not a small number of people.  And if they all work together in Wutai War, where are they? Why don’t they get recoginition for their work? 

And then we witness ourselves that Zack works on his own, with Angeal’s guidance, to subdue Fort Tamblin, Sephiroth did nothing there. Still, Sephiroth got the glory of winning Fort Tamblin, Zack’s name was never once mentioned. 

And when Zack got frustrated...

... all Kunsel told him is 

The way Kunsel speaks this sentence shows that this situation has been repeated over and over, it has become a normal custom.  The company’s media decide who will be “hero”, that’s just how it is. 

If we can see this with our own eyes, then what else flowing below the surface can’t we see?  If just like we see Zack being lured in joining SOLDIER by the “heroic figure” of Sephiroth and then Zack himself realizing that he would never become the “hero” because the company “chooses” heroes, then, isn’t it the same case for all the other SOLDIERs in the department, those that stayed/accepted (like Angeal) and those that deserted/refused (like Genesis) alike, and the only exception is Sephiroth, because he is the chosen “hero”?

Isn’t “Heroic figure Sephiroth” just a imaginary title crafted by the propaganda of an evil company?  _________________________________ 

That’s the end for part IVa, thanks for coming to my Ted-Talk.  We will continue this problem in the next part. 

Part IVb: https://buffaloborgine.tumblr.com/post/657521891798614016/of-zack-fair-genesis-rhapsodos-and-the-strange

[tocrackerboxpalace]

November, 2001

Summary: George Harrison reunites with an old friend.

There was a chill in the air.

All but uncomfortable, it was still and cool and calm, his skin refusing to prickle up into chills. There was no wind, or rain—bright, but no sun. Just air, all around him, refreshing and energizing and soothing all at once.

His eyes were closed. As his body began to come into itself, familiar sensations tickled up his spine. The first thing he noticed was the press of his feet and backside on the ground—must have been sitting cross-legged—and the feeling of dry, rough linen under the fingertips that rested on his thighs. His skin prickled as it recognized the feel of the linen up his torso as well.

He shifted slightly, as if waking up from a deep sleep. There was a certain mindfulness in practice, hyper-aware of the environment of his body: the cool, smooth ground beneath him, the scratch of the clothing on his skin, the curl of hair against his ear, the tickle of a mustache on his upper lip. When did he grow a mustache?

Internally, he felt… warm, cozy, almost as though in a deep state of meditation. His mind itself was drowsy, though he hadn’t tried to assess the situation much beyond physical sensation. He didn’t feel the need to.

It was nice. Peaceful, really. George couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt such a strong mind-body connection during meditation. There was nothing that existed besides the present; he had no past, and there was no future. It was not one of those times where the mindfulness revealed some grand ethereal Wisdom, and thus it somehow contained more truth. It was nothing and everything all at once.

Rather than let him enjoy this newfound spirituality, a familiar voice (in familiar habit) drew him out of the trance.

“Never thought I’d see the likes of you again, mate!”

George languidly struggled to open his eyes, a half-fight as the voice dropped the silly tone and resorted to a short, sharp chuckle at his own antics. When the eyelids had finally pried themselves open and his vision focused, George frowned.

He looked like a picture, straight out of 1961. Standing before him, arms crossed as he bit his lip with childlike excitement at the reconciliation. George blinked, hardly believing the sight in front of him.

“John?”

“In the flesh,” he grinned. Then a pause. “Or, rather, anything but the flesh?”

John was in front of him, a quite young John, staring at him with a bit of a worried expectancy.

George’s stomach suddenly dropped.

His gaze flicked around the room wildly as unrestrained panic rose in his chest. They were in a room, though it wasn’t a room, just a dull white, not so much white as simply colourless, with no décor or wallpaper or flooring or furniture although somehow, he was now sitting in a chair.

He was dead.

John must have watched the color drain from his head, for he made his way over to where George was sitting and laid an uncertain hand on his shoulder.

“It’s all right,” he soothed, nothing mocking. Nothing to make a joke of. “Takes a minute.”

George suddenly remembered he’d been sick. It was feeding back into him, slowly, as if each thought trigged a new repressed memory. He’d been sick for some time now. Images of nurses and hospital and IV’s and the dread of going to “treatment” began to flood his mind, and he shuddered. He felt a stubborn powerlessness rise within him: yes, it had gotten progressively worse, but it was nothing the old chap couldn’t handle. He’d beat it once already. He’d been stabbed, for Chrissake.

How could this happen?

He thought of Olivia, and Dhani, and choked back a sob.

“I don’t want to be here,” he spluttered in a near-beg, his chest tightening in terror once more. “I can’t be here.”

John’s hand dropped to his side as he almost (almost) rolled his eyes. He held up an imaginary list with one hand, gesturing wildly at it with the other. “Join the queue of nearly every person ever.”

George felt a needle of annoyance shoot through the fear that was slightly ebbing away. He half-wondered if this was the acceptance people talked about in death: the strange inability to control your emotions, your body progressively growing used to the idea and the knowledge of your own helplessness.

“You could stand to be a bit more empathetic, you know. I’ve just died,” he reminded with sarcastic flair.

John smiled brightly at the twinge of normalcy in the expression.

The fear was almost entirely faded now, which struck a new worry in his mind. He couldn’t just surrender to this already—it would solidify it. Make it too true. But the more he thought about it, the more comfortable he became. Against his own will, George was growing in acceptance, knowing that he should be worried but unable to feel the pull of anxiety within him. In an exasperating tug-of-war, he fought between the poles of acknowledgement and fear, a vicious feedback loop that left him confused and exasperated.

Maybe curiosity didn’t mean surrender. Maybe he could test John for some of the millions of queries floating around in his head whilst still protesting the concept of his state.

John was staring at him with wonder, almost as if he was watching George’s mind work.

Here goes nothing.

George looked at him pointedly, raising the most pressing question in his mind. “Is this Heaven?”

John blinked, and George recognized the infamous John-trying-not-to-laugh-because-this-was-a-very-extremely-serious-situation expression rise to his face. “Yes, George. It is. Jokes on you, religion, because Heaven is just me, and you, in this room, and sometimes we play marbles or jack off.”

His face turned more serious at George’s scowl. He went for a Take 2, his voice much softer now. “No, actually,” he corrected, scratching his cheek. “I think it’s some sort of… Purgatory. Bardo.”

George’s chest felt odd. “Purgatory,” he repeated slowly.

“Purgatory.”

“I don’t understand.”

John clicked his tongue. “Again, love. The queue.”

“Purgatory,” George said again, softly, the words dripping with disbelief.

“The in-between,” John elaborated with a grandiose wave of a hand. “You die, you fuck around here for a bit, and if you’re lucky, you pass on.”

George couldn’t contain his curiosity. “To what?”

John’s features twisted into a strange expression. “I, erm… I don’t know.”

George’s face fell. Right. “Do you…” He began carefully, mulling over the taste of the words in his mouth and sussing out which were the least bitter. “Does time pass the same, then? Here?”

John shrugged indifferently. “You don’t notice it, really. There’s no days or nights—time is a construct, anyway. Haven’t thought about it since. There’s also no expectation, so no boredom. And sometimes I see old friends.” He finished with a signal in George’s direction.

George nodded, swallowing dryly. He doesn’t know.

How long it’s been.

John caught his eye, and George flicked his gaze away in an instant before he could catch on. But John was quick as a cat, just like in youth, and his mouth pressed into a firm line. “George?”

George shook his head.

“George?” His voice was strained now, his demeanor thrown by the unsettling responses. “How long has it been? In-in actual time.”

Wincing at the question he knew he’d elicited, George averted his eyes and spoke near incomprehensibly. “Twenty years.”

John looked dazed.

After a long beat of silence, he snorted dryly. There was nothing humorous in the sound. “Suppose they’re still tryin’ to figure out what to do with me, then.” He paused. “For Chrissake, I already apologized in ’66.”

Neither man laughed at the joke. It was quiet for a long time.

“So.” John interrupted the stretch of silence, rather loudly, startling him. He clapped his hands together. “How’s Rings?”

George felt strangely hollow at the mention of his best friend. “Good. Married again, not long after you—” He stopped himself, unable to finish the sentence. It was still hard to wrap his mind around, all these years later. Even now, that John was standing in front of him, chipper as the day they’d first met (more so, perhaps). Even now, that they were both… “After you.”

“Is he?” John looked surprised, curious. “What’s she like?”

“Name’s Barbara. Ritchie made a film in ’81 called Cavemanand they met on the set. He really loves her. Oh, she’s fantastic,” George asserted, wishing John could have been there, needing John to have been there.

“Watch it,” John warned, his voice light and teasing.

George scowled.

John pushed his shoulder playfully, and George slumped further into the chair, defeated. As John’s laughter died down, George looked up at him and watched in fascination as the man did a complete 180.

The smile melted from his face, and a chill fell over the room.

“I—m…” John cleared his throat, offering the ground a watery smile. “I miss Paul.”

George was suddenly standing knee-deep in the ocean. Nothing in the room was different besides the knowledge that the water on the floor was Pacific. John was there still, only further away now, feverishly blinking the tears away with that desolate smile on his face. Before George could call out to him, comfort him, he turned back towards the expansive sea only to be confronted with a fifty-foot wave.

The breath was knocked from his chest as the wave crashed down with full force, heart shattering on impact. He let out an involuntary gasp at the sudden rush of pain that washed over his chest and began to stumble backwards, tears burning in his eyes. There was no water, no wave, and he was still standing, dry as a bone, but the sensation was all the same. Panic began to rise in his throat, blinded by an incomprehensible catalogue of torment, longing, anger, desperation, heartache. Every excruciating emotion simultaneously wrecked his being, coupled with the strangely overpowering feeling of raw, unabashed love.

John caught his arm, quickly pulling him into a hug. George hadn’t realized that he was close again, and gripped him tightly for fear of having him drift away with the tides that were no longer there. Tears streamed down his face as John stroked soothingly at his hair, muttering sweet comforts and apologies over his head.

“I’m sorry, fuck, mate, I’m sorry,” he babbled, trying to squeeze away George’s trembling sobs. “It works like that here, sometimes. Christ, I’m sorry. It’s all right. You’re all right.”

George sniffed, feeling like a child as he pressed closer into his friend’s body. “Works like what?”

John tensed a bit, though George couldn’t understand why. He spoke slowly, sure but hesitant in his explanation. “Emotions. They’re… different. It’s sort of like all that Hare Krishna unity bullshit—” George wrinkled his nose. “—and whatnot, the whole ‘collective unconscious’.”

George frowned at the implication, taking a tentative step back. “You mean…”

“Feel each other’s emotions, you can,” John answered without missing a beat. He spoke plainly, as if he’d explained this away hundreds of times before. “But there’s a historical aspect, too, that part I don’t quite understand. It only happens sometimes.” His eyes lit up as his voice quieted, mumbling to himself more so than George. “Maybe they had to have been there at the time? ‘Cause of the thing with Elvis…?”

George looked up at him in shock, ignoring John’s musings. “That was you? All that?”

John offered him a lopsided smile.

George’s heart began to pound in wild misunderstanding. He’d always known, of course, that John and Paul had that “special connection” that whisked them away to an entirely different reality. He’d grown up an outsider, watching in on the world’s most famous duo and feeling just like anyone else, at times. His stomach felt queasy and slightly bitter at the thought that perhaps he hadn’t even known the half of it.

All that for Paul?

He suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to comfort John. John’s pain was gone now, replaced by only a dull ache, causing George to shudder at the idea of his mate going through that alone all those years ago.

“Paul’s… good,” he said, slightly unevenly. It felt like a good place to start.

John looked up at him quickly, his eyes both intrigued and desperate. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” George smiled. “He came to visit me. Not long…” His breath caught. “Not long before this.”

“I saw Linda,” John said quietly.

An image flashed in George’s mind of John in the very same room, sitting in a cushioned chair. In the vision, his eyes flicked up from the book in his hands, and he did a double-take, uncrossing his ankle from his knee and sitting up abruptly. Somehow, George knew that he was Linda, seeing John through her eyes. He—Linda—offered John a welcome, familial smile, and George noticed the portfolio of expressions on John’s face as the two radiated towards one another with emotions that George could not feel. And then—nothing.

In front of him now, John shifted uncomfortably, and George tried to get his bearings in the present once more. “She didn’t stay long.”

“It was hard,” George agreed, still trying to shake the vision. “She was the love of his life.”

John nodded, avoiding his eyes.

“He never stops talking about you.”

A beat. “I never stop thinking about him.”

Something passed between them. George wished he could go back in time and relive every Beatle moment together with this newfound information. Suddenly, as if they hadn’t before, things made sense: Paris, the LSD trips, India, the breakup. The songwriting feud. Yoko.

He understood now, that it was a complicated love that surpassed the boundaries of typical labels: no dating or marriageor sex, neither platonic nor romantic. There was a lust, but it was different than any other attraction George had experienced; it was motivated, driven by something much larger than himself. None of it was a means to an end—simply living, appreciating one another, taking it day by day until it imploded and rained down on them like a meteor shower, the disastrous aftermath of planned obsolescence. A love like that could never be.

George felt eager to change the subject.

“Have you seen lots of people passing through, then?” His gaze twitched away to offer the barest amount of privacy as John’s hand came up to quickly swipe a stray tear.

“Um, yeah.” He cleared his throat. “You’d never believe—Elvis was here, when I first got here, which was right thrilling. We talked about everything under the sun for who-knows-how-long, but he left too not long after.” He nodded. “Linda. Some lads from school. Real nice chap named Freddie. He and I made a song together, though I can’t remember it now. He was in that up-and-coming rock group, the one on the tail end of the Beatles.”

“Queen,” George corrected, fascinated.

“No, that’s not it. I wanna say… Oh, you know who was a pleasure?” John switched onto this entirely new track, never missing a beat. “I met some psychologist. Taught me all about these fab concepts like behaviorism and operant conditioning and all that. I’d heard about his book, but I hadn’t read it until I met him. Verbal Behavior, is what it was. Real smart guy.”

“Do you see everyone?”

John thought for a moment. “No, certainly not. People die every minute. I’d be dreadfully overwhelmed.”

George smiled. “That is true. Lucky I showed up here, then.”

John returned the grin, almost sadly. “Yes, but you won’t stay long.”

George felt the strangest urge to reach for John’s hand. He suppressed it. “I want to.”

John shook his head. “You’re a good person, George.”

There were a lot of things to say in response. You are too, Johnny. I’m not a good person. We’ve both done some shit. ‘Good person’ is an arbitrary term because we are not our actions, so it wouldn’t matter, even.But nothing felt quite equipped to rival the emptiness of John’s eyes, so he said nothing.

“What do I look like, Geo?” He asked suddenly, staring a hole in George’s head with newfound curiosity.

The question caught him off guard. “What do you mean?”

John waved a hand dismissively as if it were the most normal question in the world. “Come on now, what do I look like?”

George just blinked. “Like… John.”

With a roll of eyes, John reached out and twirled a finger around the tip of George’s mustache. “You’re all Pepper-like. What about me?”

It suddenly occurred to George that this was not how John always looked, and hadn’t been for nearly forty years. He shifted a bit, startled at the realization. “Oh! Erm—Hamburg. Like we’d just stepped out of Top Ten.”

John grinned and stepped back. “Fascinating, isn’t it? It’s always different. That one, I can’t figure out. I first realized when Freddie asked why I looked like ’74 instead of when I died. I couldn’t give him an answer, on account of I hadn’t even realized that fact.”

George laughed, though it wasn’t funny. There was a giddiness bubbling up in him, mirroring the excitement with which John talked. He felt so bizarrely thrilled that his fingers began to tingle, and he chuckled at that too. The feeling rivaled that of a limb falling asleep, and he mindlessly shook his hand to quiet the growing sensation.

John’s face immediately fell.

George’s stomach dropped at the sudden change of pace. “What?”

His eyes were shining when he spoke the plea to anything that would listen. “No, please,” he muttered, lip trembling. Shaking fingers reached out to grasp at George’s bicep. “Not—not yet, I’m not ready—”

George’s heart hammered in his chest, hardly able to hear himself speak over the blood rushing in his ears. The tingle had snaked its way up his forearms now, and a similar feeling started in his toes. “John, John, what is it? What’s going on?”

“George, please don’t go. Please. This isn’t—it’s not long enough, I need you, I need more time, Geo…” The words trailed off, and a tear fell from each eye as John pulled him into his arms as if that could keep George there. As if he could save them.

George slowly started to understand, swallowing the alarm at John’s frantic reaction. He was going to pass on, to leave John behind just like everyone else in his life. But this was a different kind of departure. It was not Julia’s absence, Mimi’s coldness, Paul’s Linda. It was not even Uncle George’s death, or Brian’s death, or even Julia’s death. At least, those times, he could find someone, something new to latch on to.

George would have felt pity for the man if not for the immense heartbreak, the indescribable pain of watching John come emotionally undone before him.

“It’s okay,” he soothed, blinking as a falling tear graced his own face. He felt oddly in control of the situation, despite seconds away from venturing into the greatest Unknown of all Unknowns. “Shh, John, it’s all right. Listen, we got to do this, didn’t we? We got to talk. And laugh. Just like old times, right?”

John’s voice broke. “I love you, Geo. Don’t go.”

They both knew it was a fruitless request.

George gripped him a bit harder in the embrace, feeling with hopeless acceptance as the tingling feeling reached his shoulders and began to pour down his back. He spoke the only thing that would come to mind.

“I’ll see you,” he whispered, a promise tainted by his own fearful tears slipping onto John’s shoulder.

John’s arms tightened around his waist. “I’ll see you,” he repeated.