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prettyboykatsuki · 11 months

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wyll whos nice and kind down to his bones but develops a nasty jealousy streak….tugs you back behind some secluded corner of camp to kiss you something fierce when he catches how others at camp look upon you…starts smoking a cigarette

steadily yours | w. ravengard

✮ tags ; jealousy, established relationship, gn!reader, kissing / hickies, alcohol, silly and lovesick wyll

✮ wc ; 2k

✮ a/n ; ive thought about this ask for a week straight. its getting dire.

some minor spoilers for wylls romance like extremely minor and vauge!!! i am only just entering act three so pls dont spoil me but this take place vaugely post game lololol

The Blade of Frontiers is a good man.

This isn't a title he's given himself, but one bestowed upon him. Through tales and songs all across the city and uttered from the very lips of his lover - Wyll Ravengard has always strived to be a good man.

He can't assert this by any measure, but he knows best his own effort. For the sake of the city, for the sake of his people, for the sake of love. He wants very little to himself, and he fights with every ounce of him. His heart is in the city, but his soul is with you. Between these two places, there's no amount of sacrifice or burden he isn't willing to bear.

Part of being a good man is being the master of your own desires. What other men do is none of Wyll's concern, but he's always been adamant about keeping firmly on the straight path. Wyll wants love properly, much like how he wishes the world around him would follow.

Properly, with order and justice and care. That's how Wyll has lived his whole life.

And he's believed of himself that loving that way came easier upon him than it did others, though that was nothing he felt like bragging about. It never felt difficult to abstain from the ugliness of anger or jealousy.

That was before you. And this is after, this is post having your meeting. Wyll has had a relationship or two. Puppy crushes that fizzled off as soon as Wyll's responsibility began to overwhelming. Like, less than love, really. This time it is love, and love is incomparable to any sensation in the world. Not the cut of a blade against his skin, nor the warmth of a sunset. No mortal feeling could really measure to love.

In the aftermath of loving you, Wyll supposes, there is an ugliness within himself that he never really knew about. But maybe it's only normal. What else could there be after he's encountered the most beautiful thing the world has to offer, beyond even gods?

There are three things on Wyll's mind, lately. One, that he loves you more than he thought possible. Two, that he's relieved about the state of affairs. And three, he's very tired of feeling this way.

Not that he's tired of loving you. Things just aren't so busy anymore, and that means there's always people around. The people of the gate love you, and you're more hospitable than you let on. The camp is busy, rife with life every single evening and everyone is always so keen on meeting you.

You're busy, rightly - laughing and drinking. Though you're not much for talking, you do your duties as a host and tell stories when prompted. You seem to enjoy yourself in the well-earned reprieve and you've really do deserve very bit of that love and attention that's come your way.

So, Wyll knows feeling this way is ugly. The jealousy is ugly, and Wyll's not entirely lacking self-awareness about it. Though before he could chalk it up to other things, lately it's impossible. He knows that the Outlanders who come seeking your company have no idea you're engaged - and that they're simply men who desire you for the name you've earned.

A warrior, a hero, a myth - Wyll does not blame them for their curiosity.

But he feels pitiful to be so stirred up about it anyways.

He drinks tonight, though the carafe of wine is mostly full. The others speak amongst themselves. Astarion drifts by him, stands and sways in motion in the cool night air with a smug look on his face that Wyll is too dazed to catch.

Astarion speaks first. The sound is muffled first, impossible to make out in his own mind before a pale hand waves in front of his face.

"You know I'll have to thank your darling later for allowing me to see such a rare sight," Astarion drawls. He's sober, though there's wine in his hand all the same "The Blade of Frontiers, seething with jealousy. A marvel."

"I wouldn't call it seething," Wyll replies, still only half paying attention. His eyes are glued to you. He can't bring himself to look away.

Astarion laughs, a little pity in his voice , though Wyll can't really make out if it's sincere or not.

"But you'll admit you're jealous? My, Ravengard, you've changed." Astarion says. Wyll doesn't bother asking what he means, since it's true in any case "Forgive those poor Outlanders. It's hard enough watching them pine for one half the lovesick couple as is."

Wyll sighs.

"It's fine," Wyll says, though even he can hear how much he doesn't really mean it "It's not like they would know. I suppose many people wear decorative rings these days."

"Gods, this is funny. Just listen to you, I mean really. What a delight. I have half a mind to call the rest over just to witness it in person. Unfortunately I'm not so charitable," Astarion says back to him holding in a laugh "Whatever will you do, Ravengard? Maybe you could kick up a fuss, or pick a fight. People brawl at these things don't they? Oh what a sight that'd be indeed."

Wyll ignores him, but he does heed the advice. He would like to do something about it, though there won't be any brawl. He steels himself, passes an empty cup off to Astarion who makes a shrill laugh as Wyll starts walking himself over the fire.

When he arrives there, the conversation has come to more of a relaxed lull. You notice him even engrossed in conversation, flashing him a smile so beautiful he feels a little blinded.

He gives you one in return, disarmed. The outlander who's been trying to win your attention all night goes to address you again and Wyll is quick to interject.

"Ah, sorry - would you all mind if I borrowed them for a minute?"

You give Wyll a look of surprise, your eyes crystal clear. He feels guilty almost instantly, but continues anyway.

"Is something the matter?" You ask, your voice softened. You've been drinking, from the way your words melt together.

"Nothing serious, just something I wanted to talk to you about in private. That alright? Promise I'll return them before the night is over."

"As long as you promise," Says the very same one Wyll's been trying to tear you away from all evening. You laugh heartily before standing to your feet. You're beaming at him, brilliant - and Wyll goes back to his usual pleasant self as he gives his goodbyes.

He says something about promising before he whisks you off, faithfully ignoring the knowing looks of party.

And he takes you to a quiet corner of the camp, a short trail bridging between the main plot of land. There's some sturdy scenery, and rocks large enough to shield you from the outside and give you privacy.

He's cornering you a bit, admittedly - but you seem happy to see him. As soon as you're alone, you have your arms around his neck. There's a delightful air of excitement around you and Wyll finds himself filling with all the fondness in the world.

The faint sour-sweet of wine lingers off of your lips. Wyll looks at you closely, studies your expression.

"Sorry, sorry," You apologize, suddenly more comfortable. A side of yourself that you only show to him. How funny it makes him feel "I was happy to see you, is all."

"I can see that," Wyll replies, smug - just barely. You bat your lashes, dazed. It's unlike you. Wyll likes it. "I'm happy to see you too. Always."

"Is it something serious?"

Ah. He's caught isn't he? In a way, he's tremendously lucky you're not too sober. He's sure you'll tease him about it later.

"No, I suppose not. It's nothing at all, I just," He stumbles uncertainly at what he should say "Well, I wanted to speak with you."

"You could've joined us!"

Wyll gives you a sideways glance.

"Could I?" He says, before he catches himself. He adds the next words apologetically almost "That outlander you've been conversing all night seemed rather rapt with you. I doubt I could've interjected anywhere without fumbling."

You look like you're processing his words, but it's not as if Wyll is going to let you.

Wyll often says to you that you make him forget himself, and there are moments like these he find that to be more true than ever. It is unlike Wyll - strong and chivalrous, poise and charming - to bear so heavy a feeling in his heart that he has to express it physically.

Only you could make his silver tongue submit to such urgent, base instinct. Wyll kisses you in the most unromantic way he knows. It's not very gentlemanly. A kiss to claim, to sink, to swallow.

He kisses hard, and your lips are faint with the taste of wine. You make a noise of surprise before you melt into his arms. The warmth of his body makes him feel like he's burning to ash. His tongue touches yours, warm and hot nipping at your mouth.

When you pull away, Wyll decides it still isn't enough to curb the jealousy. He lets his teeth drift down to your neck. Sharpened canines that scrape against thin skin. Wyll sucks hard, enough to make all the capilliaries break.

And you sigh - a pretty, welcoming noise. Wyll is marking you. He leaves one after the other, in admittedly visible places. But he's not thinking about, not really.

Not until your voice breaks, the sweetest edge of desire to your words. He's not so debased to do anything to you while you're more than tipsy. He pulls away from you, blinks at you candidly - before the realization dawns on him in full.

By the gods, what's wrong with him? Embarrassment hits him afterwards, abject dread filling him as he peers at the dark marks along your neckline.

Did he really...? Really?

"Wyll," You say, strikingly sober and delighted all of a sudden "Are you...perhaps...jealous?"

He rubs his face on his hand, suddenly flush, turning his expression to one side. He can't deny it at this point can he.

"I wonder if my life will be easier once our wedding is announced in print," He offers sheepishly. You laugh loudly, absolutely elated as you press your forehead to his. He does the same, of course "The ring seems to be no more than decorative to everyone."

"Wyll Ravengard, I would've never guessed in a thousand years you'd drag me here because you were jealous."

"Please forget my uncouth actions at your earliest convenience my love," He says, groaning "I might die of embarrassment otherwise."

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I get jealous over silly things all the time. I tell you as much."

"When you do it it's endearing. I'm meant to be a gentleman, yet in front of you - I lose my wits like I'm a boy no older than seventeen. It's maddening."

"You forget yourself?" You tease, characteristically. He laughs.

"A bit more each day, it seems."

"A little jealousy is healthy, Ravengard. Though, I'm not sure how we're going to return to camp in this state." You say, giving him a suggestive look "Perhaps we have a bit more to talk about here instead, hm?"

"We should be doing such things in a bed. Or a tent." Wyll insists. You chuckle like you know he'll give into you.

"Wouldn't it be more effective if that Outlander you're so jealous of saw me with a post sex glow, along with the hickies."

Wyll feels his skin prick with heat.

"You drive a hard bargain." He comments, voice soft as a whisper. You laugh.

"Maybe you're just an easy sell."

Wyll laughs heartily at that.

"Any one would jump at the chance for something so priceless, Hero of the Gate."

You give Wyll another smile, lovely and genuine - there's nothing smug about it. You kiss him tender, sighing happily into his arms. He finds himself helpless to his own joy.

"Then lets kill time here and head back,"

"Yes," He says, jealousy tucked away for now "Let's do that,"

#return to sender #wyll x reader #bg3 x reader #wyll fluff #wyll ravengard x reader #bg3 fluff #writing tag #WYLL I WONT YHU

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guccifrog · 8 months

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WRONG NUMBER P15

matt sturniolo x f!reader

hope u guys are happy now🙄

pov//

Pitch black. That was the only way to describe what I could see. I had no idea where I was, or what the hell was wrong with me. My body felt…off like it wasn't mine. My senses were heightened, my hearing, my sight, my touch. Everything was just…sharper. I felt like I was floating in the void, unable to move or speak or even think.

I tried focusing on what was happening around me, but there was nothing. A strong scent of blood suddenly hit me like a bullet. My blood.Just where the hell was I?

My brain was a foggy mess, struggling to process what was happening around me. I couldn't think or remember anything.

"I thought you may like it"

Huh? What was that?

"you're so hard to buy for, you know that?"

I tried to speak, but nothing came out. An invisible force seemed to tighten its grip on my vocal cords. It was as if my ability to speak was suddenly snatched away.

Panic started to rise in me. Where was I? Who was talking to me?

"I care about you, you know that?"

Without warning a sharp pain erupted behind my eyes, I tried moving my hand to touch my throbbing head, but I just couldn't.

"This is eating me alive Matt. I miss you"

What? Matt? That was my name. Matt.

I tried to remember, anything at all. Images started to flash in my mind, fragmented and incomplete. A face I knew, a room I'd never been in. My name was Matt.

"once you wake up, I'm not going anywhere"

Wake up from what? Who was she? I struggled to recall. My body ached, and my head felt like it was splitting in two.

The voice sounded familiar…so familiar, but I couldn't think of anything. At this point, the pain was getting worse like someone was trying to drill a hole through my skull.

I tried to focus on the voice, to remember who it belonged to, but it was no use. All I could do was lie there, in this pitch-black void, feeling helpless and confused.

"I'll do anything I can to help you get through this, okay? We'll figure it out together."

The voice was soft and reassuring, but I still couldn't remember who it belonged to. I felt a hand on my arm, warm and steady. I wasn't alone. There was someone here with me. But who were they? What was happening to me?

The pain was everywhere, making it impossible to think straight. My vision began to blur, and I struggled to keep my eyes open. I tried to focus on the hand on my arm, but the darkness was overwhelming.

The voice now stopped talking, and the hand on my arm slowly withdrew. I was left alone again, drifting in the blackness. My head was still in pain, and my body ached with every breath I took. I tried to concentrate on something, anything, but the darkness was all-consuming.

My eyes closed shut for a moment, my senses leaving my numb body, I couldn't tell if I was lying down, upright, or spinning.

I forced my eyes open again, wincing against the harsh light. It was no longer dark, instead, there was a bright light blinding me and It took a moment for my vision to adjust.

I was lying on a bed, a plain, white bed. I tried to sit up, but the room spun violently, and I was forced to lie back down.

My head still hurt, and my body ached with every movement. But I was able to take in more of my surroundings.

I look to my right, a small window, The curtains are drawn, casting a faint, grayish light over the room. The walls are painted a dull beige color, and there's a door to the left.

I turn my head slightly, and I see a Girl, sitting in a chair beside the bed. She looked pale and tired, her hair a mess around her shoulders, and she was asleep.

I knew her. That's for sure. I try to remember her name, but it's hazy. I do remember her voice, though. It's the same voice that's been talking to me.

I want to ask her questions, but my voice is still gone and I can't move.

I let my eyes wander around the room, taking in more details. Machines were beeping softly in the background, and there were IV lines connected to both my hands. I tried to raise my left hand, but it was numb and heavy.

I turned to look at the girl again, taking in her features. There was something about her that made me feel safe, despite the unfamiliar surroundings. Her face was soft and innocent, her lips slightly parted as she slept. I wondered how long she'd been here, sitting by my bedside.

My eyes landed on the bedside table, where there were a few items scattered around. A glass of water, some tissues, and a catus? I frowned, wondering what it was doing there.

The girl stirred in her chair, and I turned my head to watch her. She slowly opened her eyes, and they focused on me for a moment before she shoot up, looking alarmed. "Matt? Are you awake?" she asked, her voice trembling.

I tried to nod, but my neck was too stiff. "Yeah…" My voice came out as a croak, but it was a relief to finally speak again.

The girl stared at me, her eyes wide and glossy with tears. "Oh, thank God," she whispered as she chokedbacka sob.

"Don't scare me like that ever again you fucker" she reached over and took my hand, squeezing it gently.

I closed my eyes, relaxing to the feel of her soft hand in mine. "Sorry," I managed to croak. "It's all a bit hazy."

She laughed softly, the sound both melodic and comforting, and it was like music to my ears.

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bunnidid-reviews · 1 month

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DID book Reviw - Identical by Ellen Hopkins

Facts:

Date of publication: 2008

Fiction or Nonfiction: fiction

Was there a diagnosis of DID? Yes, near the end

Was the person with DID presented as evil for having DID? No, just a flawed and struggling individual

Major trigger warning list:

Alcoholism

Drug use

Incestuous rape by the father (mostly non-explicit but implied enough to be obvious)

Lots more uncomfy incest things (kissing, wanting to see his daughter in attractive clothes/getting changed)

Denial from the mother

CSEM being made (mentioned much later and not very explicit)

Bulimia (lots of binging and purging)

Grooming by a teacher

Inebriated sex with fawning into it

A dubiously consenting BDSM scene? (Nonexplicit)

Self harm

Suicide attempt and idiation

Abusers being in positions of power

There may be more that I’m not remembering. Shits fucked.

Subjective Review(this is how I felt about it)

Personal triggering scale from 1 to 10 (1 being not triggering at all, 10 being a badly overwhelming experience that might cause personal harm): ???5-7? (Unsure if its very triggering or not because of my current sense of being disconnected from most things. Still its def not been the worst/most difficult ive read, and its not explicit)

Personal relatability scale from 1 to 10 (1 being unrelatable, 10 being OMG THAT’S ME!): 6

Personal avoidance scale from 1 to 10(1 being eager to get on with it, 10 being impossible to finish): 3 (extremely easy to just keep reading, part of its probably because of the easy format)

My interpretation of the media(Includes spoilers):

I went into this with trepidation because the cover looks like it would be an edgy triller type of book, so I was half expecting the evil alter trope. This is especially common when its ‘just two’ alters, because the assumptions are made around the ‘split personality’, which is a term thats usually used negatively, associated with evil alters or used as an insult, etc.

And it can sorta seem like that, especially on the surface premise of ‘one of them is ruining their life!!’, which is also how this book seemed the be advertised. Except.. neither of them are trying to ruin their life really, they’re both coping just as poorly as eachother, and surviving just as well as they can. Does that involve self destruction? Majorly, but I read it more as trying to do anything she can to get out of the situation she’s in.

the premise:

Kaeleigh and Raeanne are 16-year-old identical twins, who live the idyllic, picturesque american household: their mother is a politician rising through the ranks, and their father is a judge. They’re both incredibly well-respected and have a lot of reach in their community. Their family looks perfect on the outside..

But is not so pretty just inside. Both parents are alcoholic in their own rights, influencing their daughters to take after them to cope through living together. Mom’s barely home and never wants to be there when she is. And dad.. controls every aspect of their lives through his unpredictable temperament and drunkenness. He’s lonely and pathetic and feels beat down by his cold wife, so the only person he can turn to for comfort is his daughter(s)

Which he does, frequently. He’s been raping Keileigh since she was 9, after a near-fatal car accident that broke her mother’s ability to feel love. Since then he’s been using Keileigh in this sick, twisted way, and controlling her so she’d never get away.

Keileigh and Raeanne’s means of coping are intense, but they’re not as opposite to eachother as it may seem. Keileigh is binging and cutting and shutting down and fawning. She’s in denial and always has a sense of being crushed under the weight of her father’s control.

Raeanne purges and seeks out her vices in getting high and having risky sex with guys who will never love her or treat her right, the more dangerous the better. She fawns just as much as Keileigh actually, just in a more subtle ‘this is what I deserve anyway/it’s too late to say no’ kinda way.

Both of the girls use alcohol and pain medications as a means to get themselves to sleep or get through the day.

As the book goes on, and the election draws near, the intensity and frequency of the abuse is driving Keileigh and Raeanne further and further into their breaking point. They want it all to end already, especially when her mother wins the election and is fully out of the picture, and the grandparents start showing up mysteriously to uncover the past. Something they knew about, something the parents have tried so hard to hide.

It takes Keileigh’s suicide attempt to make Raeanne say enough is enough. She sneaks out to meet with her grandfather on her father’s side to learn the story of what happened to make her father this way. It turned out he’d been the victim of CSEM, and deeply traumatized from the abandonment of his alcoholic mother.

This diddddnt super help her crisis, Raeanne couldn’t have just gone back into it all. She attempts to escape at least mentally with one of her drug hookups Ty, who likes sex rough and forcibly consenting. The drug trip is hitting her badly already when Keighleigh’s boyfriend shows up, mixing her and Raeanne’s world. Everything all together is enough to fracture the heavy wall between the twins, and..

All along they were one person. Raeanne was Keileigh’s twin sister who died in that fateful car crash, and from the trauma of that and being raped so soon after, she split off an introject of her sister to be a step outside herself.

The sisters wake up in the hospital, having to stay until the drugs and the withdrawl wear off safely. She ends up telling the doctor about her symptoms and shes able to get diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

But how do you go home after that? In memories that came back, it turned out that her mother knew all along and intentionally turned a blind eye. Nowhere is safe.

It turned out that the grandmother knew and was scared into silence by the father’s influences. She had witnessed sexual abuse long before the accident, making her turn to alcoholism to try to forget what she saw, to cope. She showed up in the end to make ammends, and Keileigh and Raeanne were able to go home with her.

The ending is bittersweet but hopeful. Six months in, the girls are getting therapy. They have a loving boyfriend who doesn’t know the whole story yet, but he’s endlessly supportive. The father put himself in rehab and basically out of reach of his daughter. The mother works in DC now, shes not really in the picture as much but that’s probably for the better.

For a story told in poems, there was so much that was said in so few words. It was really hard-hitting and felt like a realistic approach of what happens when you’re coping with incest, just how much isolation it entails, how much control goes into it.

Like I said before, the sisters are a mess. But she’s also 16 and still getting raped at home, and literally no one was there for her, or at least allowed to be there for her until nearly the end. It’s heartwrenching really, and the whole time I was going Yeah, of course they’re like this, what else can they do?? It hits just very very honestly, and I don’t feel like any of it was written with pure disdain for the victims in the story, even if the tone could be very dry and callous in the point-of-views.

The poetry was really good too. The ‘chapter ends’ where the switches were happening had a very distinct way of formatting it, so there were two poems on opposite pages using some of the same words, with the spaced apart words revealing the truth of what they were both feeling. It was a fun read and very very well executed.

I don’t remember if I’ve read from this author before, but I feel like she handled a story about DID and incest and coping really well. It’s not a light read, but I also couldn’t put it down.

What they got Right in my opinion:

Diagnosis of DID being called Dissociative Identity Disorder

The entire structure of isolation and power dynamics ensuring that incest could happen and not be spoken about felt scarily accurate

Loosing time was not always so black and white it seemed. Of course I’m just going off poems, but theres mentions of what the other twin is doing in reference to themselves (usually in Raeanne’s point of view)

Introjection of a real person felt very correct and not in some weird ‘the ghost of your sister lives within you’ kinda magical bullshit way. She is an introject. They dont use that word specifically but its really obvious

The fawning is so fucking real, man

Keileigh often feeling ‘miles away’ or spacing out frequently

Neither part was better or evil compared to eachother, they were both coping in very messy ways

The thing that got me to notice that it felt more like an alter thing than a sister thing was in this very subtle thing of, when Raeanne found that her ‘sister’ had started self harming, or had a suicide attempt, it wasn’t like.. a normal person’s level of concern like ‘oh my god i could loose my sibling’ as much as it was this almost callous way of treating one’s self the day after deciding to live or having a major self harm episode. Just sigh, clean it up, forcibly make yourself carry on. Am I making any sense? It just felt very much like taking care of yourself vs another person.

The ending not being sunshine and rainbows happy ending, everyone wins. Idk, if you read my review for Pieces of Me, you’ll notice I was pretty upset about the fact that everything worked out extremely well, over the top idyllic. When we all know that healing is actually really messy, its not comfortable, not everyone’s on the same page and not everyone can safely know about the DID always. This felt very real to me

What they got Wrong in my opinion:

I think having full blackouts to the point of having an entirely different life from one another is pretty rare(if its not let me know, ive not heard of this happening much)

Umm I was a little disturbed by one of the healing things she had to go do was apologize to the teacher for leaning into him showing Way Too Much interest in her. The only goddamn reason he didn’t go through with it was because they could be caught?? That is the teachers responsibility, is it not????? Am I being too tumblr??? Am i missing something here???

I did not super understand the logic of Keileigh’s at work but Raeanne is going and doing drugs. How are they doin that, or is she very quick? Just little attempts to hide the big reveal didn’t super make sense to me

Would I reccomend this to someone with DID to read? Yes! But carefully, and keep in mind all the TWs. You might find it very relatable and idk if thats a good thing or not

Just so you know, there is a lot to this book that I didn’t talk about, a lot of little traumas that stacked up into it getting heavier. I just couldn’t possibly write about everything, so bear🧸 in mind if you read it yourself

#dissociative identity disorder #did in media #bunnidid reviews #dissociative identity disorder fiction #dissociative identity disorder book #complex dissociative disorder #cdd book #cdd media

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livvyliveslife · 6 months

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reintroducing myself

Hey, it’s been 3 months since i’ve started tumblr, and i’ve remained pretty consistent if i do say so myself, i have a lot of new faces on this blog and i was just wanting to reintroduce myself to everyone so you guys have a bit of a better understanding of where im coming from

My names Liv, obviously haha. i’m 20 years old and i am neurodivergent, specifically, while not officially diagnosed, i’m very very likely to be audhd, getting a diagnosis in the UK has been proven to be a little inaccessible. not that it’s impossible but it’s long through the NHS and expensive to do privately. i hope that once i have enough money to cover my diagnosis i will.

i made this blog because i for the longest time have felt alone in the ways that ive been experiencing this life, nothing ever made sense and the idea of being called sensitive pains me more than anything, its all i’ve ever known. i’ve spent a lot of my life gaslighting myself into believing im functioning like everyone else is. But in the end i know im not, because if i was then i wouldn’t feel such shame and guilt for being who i am, of course they’re not my thoughts and im not my thoughts but navigating the thoughts can be so exhausting.

im currently studying forensic psychology through an online university that makes it easier for me to manage my time, even though that’s a tiny bit of a lie because i also work 40 hours a week, as well as live on my own in a shared accommodation with people i can’t really talk to (language barrier + age differences) so time management is something i really struggle with and it makes me feel a little overwhelmed but im just taking every day as it comes. i have a lot of anxiety about the future only because ive got such big goals for myself and for the career i want.

i never really had anyone to guide me through the big feelings i’ve felt, over the years. but i felt as though making a blog to share how i try to navigate through the struggles i have, i could maybe inspire others maybe idk haha. i’m a high functioning audhder who is unmedicated and not even diagnosed so if there’s anyone else like me out there feel free to reach out to me, we’re trying and that’s all that matters, we have time and we are strong enough to face anything x

#becoming that girl #self care #self love #self development #that girl #clean girl #it girl #pink pilates princess #self improvement #girl blogger #adhd #audhd #autism

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grrrhoulxy · 2 years

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Lingerie (Copia/PapaIV × F!Reader)

O Boi, my first Ghost's ff ever! I'M REEEEEALLY EXITED ABOUT THIS, I've been writing for dayss. At first, I wasn't planning on publish it but I got carried away so much I had to share with ya'll!~

TAGS: MDNI/NSFW. Cardinal Copia/Papa Emeritus IV x AFAB!Reader; Light Dom/Sub; Dom Reader; Sub Copia; Teasing; Dirty Talk; Explicit Sexual Content; Handjob; Rough Sex. WORDS: 3K

You can also read my work on Ao3!

As she walked into Copia's apartment, every step seemed to reverberate through her body. She knew what was going to happen there and the anticipation was almost too much for her to bear. Her heart raced as she approached the door, and when she finally opened it, Copia's reaction confirmed that everything was going according to plan. She could feel his eyes on her half-naked body, covered only by a white lingerie set and coordinating nightie. The fabric clung to her curves in all the right places, leaving little to the imagination. She shuddered with excitement at the thought of what they were about to do. Copia stood frozen in place as soon as he saw her. He dropped the packet of paperwork he had been holding without even realizing it. It was clear that he was speechless - words simply failed him at this moment. But for her part, she felt empowered by his reaction. This is exactly what she had wanted - not just sex or physical pleasure but also a sense of control over someone else's desires and emotions. His cheeks began to take on the colour of the curtains and sheets that adorned the room, a vermillion red colour on his almost pale-white face. He couldn't handle the view of her gorgeous and exposed body so he immediately looked away, blushing even more and hoping that move wasn't a wrong one. A smile, that under its apparent sweetness and innocence hid a lustful malice, marked the features of her face.

"Good evening, Papa" she said to get the attention of his eyes while her pupils glued to the man.

"Oh, w-Well... this is, uhhh, unexpected..." he said while keeping his gaze down for being taken aback like that. She started to approach him as she innocently giggles.

"I thought I'd surprise you. I'd say I've succeeded?"

"I-I mean..."

Copia said with a bashful smile. As he tried to take control of the unforeseen situation, she suddenly was standing right in front of his face, looking directly into his colour-unmatched eyes. Now she has again his full attention.

"Uhh, Si?" He asked unsurely, almost naively.

"So it's a yes..." she affirmed as she started to softly fondle his chest. The touch made him gasp a little.

"I know you were a man who likes lingerie, am I right?"

He bit his lip in a pleasant frustration, bot eyes locked on her as he realise that he cannot look elsewhere anymore.

"You..are right, m-mia cara..."

His heart started pounding uncontrollably at the feeling of her warm body so close to his own. It seems unreal, impossible, but he felt his face flushing even more now. He quickly brought his hands behind his back in embarrassment, like he didn't know where to put them, as if he has been caught doing something wrong. She noticed his reaction and let out a small laugh, even more excited. She then whispered to him seductively:

"What are we gonna do about this...huh?"

"About what...?"

But before he could continue, her head comes forward, lips pressed against his as he took little initiative by reaching out to touch her hair, then her neck. The soft movement and scent of her skin gave him goosebumps; at that exact moment, he pulled his lips back from hers, panting as if his whole body were boiling. Copia's mind quickly began to feel overwhelmed by so many thoughts and emotions; taking back control over himself now was impossible, especially considering how turned on he was at the mere sight of her. But no matter what, she had no intention of stopping.

"About my lingerie, dummy...", she murmurs. "You like me wearing it, don't you?"

"...S-Sì...", he responded quickly, not sure of how much more clear and coherent he should try.

Her delicate finger moved slowly down, fondling now his upper abdomen. With all the excitement, his gloved hands began to feel uncomfortable even behind his own back. Once released from the grip he had imposed on them, they hesitantly began to find their way to rest on her, grabbing her soft hips and squeezing them gently as she softly jumped in surprise. He now was trembling a bit but she didn't let that distract her.

"How long have you wanted to see me like this?" Her fingertips are feeling his hardened member now, slowly teasing it in circles.

"You can't even imagine how long I-I..."

But then the conversation coming to a standstill. Again, his hands began to move almost on their own, nervously caressing both her thighs and then switching to her lower back. Touching her like this felt so different, yet so wonderful, but exploring her body only through those touches, touching her skin like that wasn't enough for him anymore. He wanted to feel more of her, well beyond sensations arising from hugs and caresses, he wanted to feel her. Entirely. Despite his indecisive thoughts and inhibitions, Copia's body was irrepressible. His hands started to rummage with more ardour, trying to touch as much as possible in that position while his member continued to harden between her fingers.

"Papa..." she said interrupting his flow of thoughts and bringing him back to the moment.

Copia stopped touching her, almost instantly for fear of have gone too far. Not wanting him to think he pushed her too much, she smiled at him as she brought both of her hands behind her back, trying to reach the underwire of her bra, and with a little jerk open it.

"Maybe you'll like it more to see me without this..."

Before he could reply, or prepare himself better, her hand made its way inside his pants, first brushing her palm before going further down to where it needed to be, finally making contact with his already burning member, provoking a moan. Suddenly feeling the wetness of his arousal, Copia instinctively wrapped her arms around him, stopping her from going on even more. She realized that something was off. This wasn't how it usually went between them - normally he would be little more active and chatty during their intimate moments together. So what had changed? Was he feeling unwell? Or perhaps something else was bothering him?

"Don't worry, I've been fantasizing about doing it for a long time...I'm completely fine"

"Are you...sure, cara? I-if you're doing it just for my pleasure then-"

"I'm doing this for both of us! You know I love you and I...I want to fulfill your little fantasies, Copia. I really do"

Now looking up into each other eyes as she was almost entrap around his torso, hands still holding her tightly. There were few seconds of silence, broken then by Copia.

"...I love you too. Scusami, scusami, I broke the mood you created but I...wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything against your will just because I told you I like these...things..."

Without letting go, she brought her lips once again close to his ear, as gentle and tender as ever.

"No, no, you don't have to be sorry, actually it's very sweet that you were worrying...but you know me if I'm here I'm sure of what I'm doing"

He didn't answer right away; just biting his lip gently in hesitation. He then took up some courage.

"W-well, if it does not make you uncomfortable...I, uh, would like to unwrap the rest of my gift, va bene?"

Copia replied quickly, blushing and letting out a small awkward giggle. Finally getting the chance to look at her face, he founded her laughing amused at his haste to get rid of her nightie.

"Very brave, Papa!"

She placed a kiss on his cheek, placing her hand on his chest for a moment before smiling again. Releasing herself from his grasp, she grabbed the straps of her bra and pulled it off her shoulder, as she backed away a few steps so that she could show all of herself to him. The view of her naked breast was making him crazy. When the white bra hitted the floor, she went and sat down on the edge of his bed, legs slightly apart and a small smile playing across her lips. At that moment, Copia burst with red on his face, awkwardly reaching out for the collar of his red sweatshirt and pulling it over his arms. Then it was the turn of his t-shirt to go on the floor like the other clothes as he stepped closer to her. They were now sitting on his bed, both half-naked and kissing with ardour. Between a small moan and another, her hand was once again positioned on his groin, starting to massage his member above his pants. Sliding down to fondle him through his boxers and finally meeting the bottom of his dick, it was fully hard and ready for her to take care of. His own hand reached her bare thigh, groping it softly, reaching underneath her.

"I-I'm not so sure on...w-what to do from now on", he said, trying to look at her in her eyes, rather than looking straight at her breasts.

To his relief, she didn't even seem bothered by his concern, only tightening her grip upon him when he looked up at her. He moaned, loudly.

"Then let me start, maybe this will loosen you up a bit", she said jokingly while her free hand was pressing him down to lay flat on the mattress.

"A-A-Amore mio...you mean-"

At this point, he wasn't allowed to finish the question, as she leaned forward and giving him a long slow lick from his stomach all the way up to his neck. This is was happening too fast for him to process the entire situation. His only thought was about her warm tongue against him that was making in squirming uncontrollably. She laid next to him with her head nestled between his shoulders and then, without warning, she lifted herself on top of him, crawling upward so that her body was hovering over his. It didn't even take long for her to climb higher and settle on his pelvis. As he watched her leaning down over him, he felt his member being rubbed into her hand. Her movements were slow but firm; with each rub a rush of pleasure ran through his body, increasing the heat on his cheeks. Copia's heart raced as he attempted to catch her gaze. He knew that once their eyes met, there would be no turning back. As he looked up, his breath caught in his throat as he saw her staring directly at him with an intensity that left him feeling exposed and vulnerable. He could feel the heat rising to his cheeks and quickly brought a hand up to cover his face, hoping she wouldn't notice how flustered he had become. But it was too late; she had already seen everything written on his face.

"Are you enjoing it Papa? If this is too much, I can stop" she asked quietly while continuing to rub him.

"Oh...it is a-awesome, cara..y-you...sei fantastica-" his words trailed off.

"...I love being praised like this, Papa~ "

The sentence made him more hard then it was, involuntary giving her the sign to increase the speeds of the rubes. But even that didn't deter him from remaining quiet, holding back as she began slightly thrusting herself up and down on his pelvis. In that moment he knew he was going to lose it and he knew she was aware of it too. He could feel her smile grow on her lips as he was holding her by her hips firmly, trying to stop her movements.

"Mia cara, I-If you keep doing this, u-uh, thrusting I'll..."

"So soon? But we have so much more to do...~" she whispered while continuing to massage his erection, although less firmer. By now he was beginning to feel some serious friction inside, thinking he would cum almost instantly.

"A-ahh...T-Ti prego, cara, fermati!", he bursted all in italian. That made her chuckle.

She stopped moving and remained on his lap, with her hand caressing his chest, one on his shoulder and one stroking his length slowly and lazily.

"I can feel you getting close...wanna switch on something more interesting? "she added with a huge grin, while Copia was trying to calm himself a bit, painting almost breathlessly.

"W-what are you saing, amore??", he asked, not sure of what she meant.

However, before any answers arrived, he felt her warm and wet entrance pressed down onto his dick. The sensation of being inside her made him lose control completely as he groaned loudly from the pleasure coursing through his body. The strong heat enveloped around his cock as she slid down onto it in a comfortable manner; it felt as if she was trying to shove herself all the way down onto him, but in reality, it was a very slow motion, as she was still pulling back a little at the end. Already he could felt his shaft expanding inside her, so tight that the slightest movement would make him ache. Taking him all the way in took her a little more effort than anticipated, he could feel her walls now squeezing on his shaft, causing a constant throbbing sensation.

"Ooh, Papa you feel so, so good!..." she whispered to herself, closing her eyes: "Are you l-liking the surprise?~ "

He heard her in a soft but excited voice, and despite his weakness, he managed to smile a little, face relaxed now by pure pleasure.

"You're...squeezing me so tight- Mhhh..~"

He grunted at her movements, breathing heavily as she started moving faster. The thrill of her body, while he was inside her, was getting him even more aroused, now an almost painful ache as she continued her thrusting movements while rocking up and down. They held that position for a minutes more, now both moaning and painting, until the grip on her waist tightened again even more. She opened her eyes, looking at his facial expression, and the surprise of finding him watching her the whole time made her blush slightly for the first time since they started this passionate encounter. As she continued to gaze into his semi-closed eyes, Copia suddenly broke the symphony of moaning with a straightforward yet innocent statement.

"A-Amore, I'm too close now...I can't-" He trailed off before asking hesitantly, "Are-Are you close to??"

"Y-yes Papa, I-"

"Ooh, Ti prego, ti prego, lascia che... p-please I need to..."

His vulnerability was endearing and it only made their connection stronger as her pleased face showed him a kind smug smile.

"You're asking me the permission to cum? H-how freaky of you~"

As she teased him once again, he remained silent and didn't respond. This time around, something was different. He let out a loud grunt before starting to move his hips with a newfound energy that left her pleasantly surprised. With each thrust, he pounded her with an unexpected heat that left her breathless. She couldn't help but be amazed by his sudden enthusiasm and eagerness to please her. She didn't complain or ask him to slow down, instead, she surrendered herself completely to the moment and allowed him to take little dominance. One of Copia's gloved hands moved to her upper back, pushing her down on him to imprison her in a warm embrace, while the other one kept her ass firmly placed against his hips as he increased his speed. Now he was the one moving, keeping her down as the tip of his cock hit her deeper. Completely overwhelmed by the sensations, she could only moan and scream as he kept fucking her. His movements were becoming more and more intense, pushing her closer to the edge with each thrust. Now she was close as well, his cock throbbing inside of her. Her walls were tighter around him and he knew that she was about to cum. Whispering he nervously asked:

"Ohh, Amore..A-Are you close now?"

She nodded her head. "Y-Yes, Papa! F-fill me up as well~ "

She screamed his name as she felt the pleasure radiating from her core. As their movements became more frantic, Copia's grip on her tensed even more as he spilt himself all inside her. She followed suit shortly after, feeling waves of pleasure wash over her body. They collapsed onto the bed together, panting heavily. There was a moment of silence, only the sound of their breathing filling the room. Eventually, Copia broke one again the silence.

"Cazzo...T-that was...wow"

Despite her breathlessness, a pleased laugh escaped her. He smiled, starting to gently stroke her back and whispering:

"Have I ever told you that you are so so sooo beautiful?...Your skin, your body...everything makes me weak for you...Ti amo, così tanto che non lo puoi nemmeno immaginare"

She smiled contentedly, even blushing at those sweet words, feeling safe and loved in his embrace.

"You always have the right thing to say, mh? I love..no, t-ti amo... uhm, me too!" she said in a clumsy way that made both chuckled a little.

As they lay there together, Copia couldn't help but think about how lucky he was to have found someone who made him feel this way. At that moment, nothing else mattered except for the two of them and the love they shared. They stayed like that for a while before slipping under the covers to spend the rest of the almost-ending night sleeping in each other's arms.

#the band ghost #ghost bc #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia #papa iv #cardinal copia x reader #papa emeritus iv x reader #papa iv x reader #ghost fandom #grrrhoulxy post

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vivibunne · 3 days

Text

yandere childhood best friend x reader

desc: childhood best friend x f reader, fell apart/distance, general yandere behaviors, possessive, jealous, innocent reader, slight nsfw!

I gotta admit, this trope has been on my mind for a good while now, and ive giggling and kicking my feet imagining scenarios, so enjoy!

side note: feel free to critique my work, as its my first time posting content on here, or even writing a fic in general. I'm also open to suggestions of what I should write next, as long as I'm comfortable enough with the suggestion.

word count: 3.2k

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The day the both of you had met happened to be the first day of kindergarten. You had worn a frilly dress that your mother dressed you in, and as she took pictures with her camera, you bounced around in excitement. However, as you walked to the school with your mother, you immediately hid behind her skirt as you saw a crowd of children huddled near your assigned classroom, feeling overwhelmed. It was your first time in such an environment, and as usual, your mother didn't understand you at all! She had practically pushed you into the classroom, and before you knew it, she had already left. Tears filled your eyes as you looked at the unfamiliar environment, and when the teacher had instructed everyone to find a seat, you began to tremble and cry, unsure of what to do.

When the teacher finally took notice of you, they quickly rushed to your side, ushering you into a seat. You sniffled as you wiped your tears, before you suddenly felt a poke on your shoulder. You looked beside you, to find a boy your age, giving you a toothy grin. "I snuck in candy, do you want some?" he whispered, smiling mischievously as he showed you the candy discreetly. You, having a sweet tooth, quickly nodded, and he generously gave you half of his candy.

Since that day, you both were inseparable. It started with exchanging snacks with each other, to building towers together, to playing family. He would always play father, and you would be the mother, where you raised your "children", being other kids in the class. Even other parents would gush at the sight of you two, being as an adorable pairing. As you both grew older, you both managed to maintain the tight knit bond. However, unbeknownst to you, things had begun to fall apart, ever since you both entered middle school.

Suddenly, he was too cool for you, and couldn't be seen with you anymore. Your heart broke slowly, as you saw your former friend go from a sweet boy to a disrespectful and misbehaving one, frequently sneaking out of class with his friends to go smoke under the bleachers.

Eventually, you stopped thinking about him, after high school had started. However, you found yourself looking at him sometimes, with a yearning gaze. He had made a large network of friends in high school, being outspoken and charming. On the other hand, you had a small group of friends, all prim and proper, not even willing to bend a single rule.

You despised it. It felt suffocating, to be stuck in the same loop every day. You felt pressured, by your parents and friends alike. When your parents would stress you to do well in your studies and not talk to any boys, it distressed you. When you would go to school to tell your friends, hoping for a semblance of sympathy, you would be met with confused faces.

You admired him, in some way. While you were stuck in the same loop daily, you saw how your former best friend was enjoying his own life, and it irritated you. You knew it was illogical, but a part of you resented him, for leaving you behind all those years ago.

'Did he even think about you?' you would question yourself, as you passed him in the halls, with no form of acknowledgment on his half. 'No, that was impossible, of course', you would lament later, after you had seen him sling his arm around a beautiful girl.

Although you knew deep down that the path he was going down was not one you should want for yourself, you secretly yearned for the amount of freedom he had. You wondered what would happen if you rebelled, just like him. However, you knew that was impossible, so you admired his antics from far away, wishing it could have been you.

And soon, you had graduated from high school. As you left the hall with your family, you turned back one last time to see him in a crowd with his many friends, hugging him. With a twinge of jealousy, you turned around and left the hall quickly, unaware of a pair of eyes looking at the back of your head.

During the summer, you had began to work as a waitress for a restaurant, to save up money. When asked why, you would give everyone the same reply. "I'm saving up to get a new car" you would say cheerfully, flashing a smile at them. But only you knew the real reason.

For your studies, you had purposefully chosen to study in a different country, for you could no longer stand it. You were leaving behind no one, the only person you had felt a genuine connection with was long gone anyway. All you wanted was a fresh start, away from the suffocating environment you were placed in. You were planning on moving away in silence, and only your parents were aware of your plans, having begrudgingly agreed after many arguments.

It was a friday evening, when you were cleaning tables, when you had suddenly heard the bell chime at the front door. You looked up with a practiced smile on your face, only to fall after seeing who it was. There he was, walking in with a couple of his buddies, with that arrogant, cocky smile on his face. You froze, like a deer stuck in headlights, a conflicted and panicked expression plastered on your face as he made eye contact with you, and smiled. Finally having regained your sense, you quickly ran to the back, hiding from the group.

One of the other waitresses looked at you with a confused expression as you practically ran off, before smiling at the new customers and seating them. You snuck glances at him and his friends, as you tried to find any work to do in the back. However, when you heard your name called, your face flushed, and you looked up to see the other waitress calling you. "Apparently, the men seated requested for you specifically!" she exclaimed, as you smiled at her with a pained expression. She nudged you playfully, whispering a "they are SO into you" before pushing you their way.

Meanwhile, your friend stared at you, with a smirk on his face, relishing your thunderstruck face. As you had hesitantly made your way over to their table, he looked at you up and down, admiring the way your hips moved. He had to admit, you were quite easy to look at. As he heard your meek voice greet them, he leaped at the chance to ask about how you were doing. Not that he didn't already know, but he found it enjoyable to see how you fidgeted nervously, talking in a quiet voice without meeting his eyes.

"That's all darling" he said, as he finished ordering, noticing your flustered expression. As you scurried off, he smiled to himself, his eyes lingering on you. As you had finished serving them, he saw the look of relief on your face when he had stood up to leave. He flashed you one more charming smile, before leaving into the dark night.

Once you heard the bell at the door chime as it closed, you breathed a heavy sigh of relief, your shoulder slumping. After so long, you had finally spoken with him again. In the past, you had envisioned your reunion more times then what could be counted, filled with tears of sadness and joy. However, now that a whole different scenario had occurred instead, you couldnt identify the feeling that was creeping over you. Perhaps it was a mix of sadness and jealousy. You watched the group of young men chat in front of what you assumed was one of their cars from afar, at the window, before tending back to your work.

The rest of the night, you counted down the minutes until you were able to go home, leaping for the chance the manager had given you to leave early. As you walked outside into the dark and quiet atmosphere, a gust of cold air engulfed you, as you began to make your way home. However, a feeling of dread creeped up on you, as you heard a horn honk in your direction from afar.

You turned your head back so fast you couldve gotten whiplash, just to see a black car following you from behind. Your heart began to race, colour draining from your face, when you hear a voice shout your name. Only then do you recognize the voice to be your childhood friend's. You breath a sigh of relief as he rolls down his window, staring into your eyes with a playful look. "Are you seriously walking home alone princess?" he asked, his eyes boring into your own.

You cringe, as you're forced to look at him, the last person you had wanted to see. Your feel heat rising to your cheeks as he stares at you, breaking eye contact with him and looking down at the ground. "Well, it's a daily routine" you say quieter than you had hoped to say, your cheeks flushing even more. You feel his eyes on your head, as he slowly says, "Why don't I drop you off?"

Your head shot back up at these words, your eyes wide with surprise. "Oh no, I couldn't" you say almost instantly, clutching your arm. The sudden shift in attitude from him was almost enough to give you whiplash, and you had some doubts as to why he was suddenly acting so strange. "Why were you here anyway?" you ask suspiciously, as it had been a while since he had left the restaurant.

"Nevermind that, he waved off impatiently. "Get in dear, I can't have you walking home alone in the dark" he says, followed with a "Who knows what people would do if they caught you" muttered more quietly. You look at him, feeling conflicted, but finally agree, not wanting to be rude.

Once you had entered his car, he begins driving, an awkward silence filling the car. You clutch your skirt with your hands, resisting the urge to look at him, instead plastering your eyes onto your hands. That is before he suddenly asks a "How have you been?" quietly, his eyes still on the road. You take a moment to find the words within you, before mustering a "good" in a meek voice.

"What are you planning on doing, now that you're done high school?" he asks, now eyeing you with a glint in his eyes. Your own eyes widen, and it feels as if your heart rate spiked suddenly. "Oh, I don't know, settle down for a while maybe" you squeak out nervously, hoping he didn't notice.

What you didn't notice however, was a pair of knowing eyes, darkening when you had told such a pathetic lie on the spot. He already knew about what you were planning to do of course, but he had wanted to hear it from your own lips, and yet, you disappoint him once again.

How had he known though? Well, it was foolish to think that no one would find out, especially with having arguments with your parents with the windows open. He had his eyes on you for ages, he was bound to overhear the fact that you were planning on moving away.

In middle school, he had made the terrible mistake of letting you go, and it took him years to realize what a huge mistake he had made. So, he had made the habit of watching you from afar. Admiring you, when you would laugh as you walked along with your friends, when you would spend time in the library reading, or when you would cry, thinking no one would hear you.

However, his feelings of anguish and guilt stopped him, every single time he tried to speak to you again. He missed your voice, reminiscing frequently of you calling out his name so beautifully. But it had gone too far now that you made such a huge decision, and he wasn't a fool to let you go for a second time. You didn't get to do that to him, no matter what he had done.

If you would see him as a monster, so be it. All he needed was you, by his side for once and for all.

"Is that so?" he hummed, his grip on the steering wheel tightening, as his eyes narrowed. The rest of the ride followed in silence, apart from the occasional swearing from his road rage. Once he had gotten to your house, you had practically jumped out of the car, muttering a quick "thanks", before running into your house.

From that day on, it felt like he was suddenly everywhere. No matter where you went, it felt like you would always spot him. It was a small neighborhood, but it startled you quite a bit.

In addition to that, your own parents weren't helping your situation either. It felt like they were penalizing your every move, being as critical as ever, as the days towards you moving away approached.

After a particularly rough day, you had went home just to argue with your parents again, as they criticized your lifestyle choices, along with the talk of being an "improper lady". What broke the camel's back that night, however, was when you had retreated upstairs, and overheard your parents harsh words about you.

Tears filling the brim of your eyes, you sniffled, before crawling out of the window of your bedroom door. As you walked in the dark, thoughts of everything began cropping up in your head, too angry and clouded to notice your surroundings.

There was only one place that brought you comfort, one that you would go to whenever you felt down. When you and your best friend were still good friends, you had accidently stumbled upon a place up a steep hill, with a bench. You both would sit there, and talk for hours on end. However, even after you had stopped talking, you would still visit the place sometimes.

As you made your way there, you sat on the bench, looking into the starry sky. However, even then, you couldn't feel at peace. Perhaps it was because of his sudden intrusion into your life. Or perhaps it was because you were frustrated with yourself, you think, tears flowing down your cheeks freely. As you stared into the night sky, you heard some rustling beside you.

With a yelp, you jump out of your seat, to see a dark sillhouette in front of you. You nearly let out a scream, until the figure moves forward to cover your mouth. Only then, do you recognize who it is.

Just great, you think to yourself, seeing your friend in front of you. You quickly wipe your tears, before asking "What are you doing here?" more angrily then you had intended to.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you saw a tender expression on his face, looking into your eyes softly. "You still come here?" he asked softly, acting as if he was surprised.

"I should be asking you that" you snapped, crossing your arms, as if to defend yourself. He looked at you with a concerned expression, before asking, "What happened?", as he sat down next to you.

"That's none of your business," you said with a weak voice, turning your head away from him, tears filling your eyes. You tried so hard to contain yourself, to not show your vulnerability in the moment, but tears had begun to flow from your cheeks, spilling onto your lap.

"Darling, are you crying?" he asked in a concerned voice, before attempting to pull you into a hug, before you pushed him away.

"Get off of me" you shout in a shaky voice. "You think you can barge into my life all of a sudden and act as if nothing happened?"

As silence followed, your cheeks burned, and you went off on a tangent, despite the voice in your head telling you to stop. "You think you can drop me at the drop of a hat, and then pick me back up when it suits you?" you shriek. You breathe heavily, your chest heaving up and down, glaring at his presence.

He sat there with an unreadable expression, his facial features accentuated by the soft moonlight glow. "Somethings clearly bothering you" he said , skillfully dodging your question. "But you won't tell me, nor will you tell anyone else" he said slowly, staring into your eyes with a softened expression.

"Because you always want to do things yourself" he finished. "Let me help you" he said, taking in your astounded expression.

"Hah, you have some nerve" you say shakily, before you begin to sob, as his words crash down onto you, and sink deep down. He quickly pulls you into an embrace, one hand pulling you into his shoulder, and the other supporting the back of your head.

"You're upset because you have no control over your life, I know" he says, and you stay silent, not processing his words properly enough to question him how he knew all of this. "Let me help you" he repeats, pulling you into a hot searing kiss, his hands now on your cheeks.

"I love you" he says when he finally pulls apart, opening his eyes to meet your widened ones, soaked with tears. Your mouth is agape, as you try to process what had just happened. As you stare at him, you feel a burning sensation at your thigh, which he gripped suddenly.

"I always knew there was much more, something much deeper within you" he hummed, stroking his hand up and down your thigh. "You want me too, don't you?" he whispers into your ear, with glimmering eyes.

Suddenly, a ring fills both of your ears, as your phone flashes. Its a call from your dad, and looking at the contact description makes your face lose all of its colour. Your lips tremble, when suddenly your friend pulls your hand into his, your phone falling into your lap. "Focus on me" he says, forcing you to make eye contact with him.

"You do want to take control over your life, don't you?" he says playfully as he relishes your conflicted expression. "Then let me show you that pleasure," he says, as his fingers play with the top button of your blouse.

Alas, that was only the beginning. As he ravished you, his mind was filled with thoughts of you standing beside him, as his sweet wife. He could only imagine how adorable your children would look together, and he was going to make sure that it would happen, whether you liked it or not. After all, he had no doubt that he would eventually persuade you into sharing the rest of your life with him. The first step towards achieving that, was to stop you from moving away, and he was prepared to do just about anything to stop you.

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#childhood friends #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x y/n #yandere drabble #male yandere

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dying-sage · 3 months

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got too embarrassed to have this on public blog so couple days later going here.

might merge my diary yap blog and this becuz whatever but im DONE with my self hating bullshit idk if being inside is just letting me think and breathe and be my gorgeous introvert self for once but i feel so free and so floaty like nothing is real and could easily be crushed by me pinching my life and rubbing it between my fingers. like its all so okay when im inside and by myself but i wish i was capable of this thinking outside. when i go out i get so overwhelmed and there are so many variables to make me feel like shit but not even hate myself or whadeva but act in ways that i feel i dont stand by and dont believe. i get meaner or sadder or people pleasy or contrarian or anything to not be vulnerable and authenthic. i have in the past gotten strong on my own and made my life better by being who i am while surrounded by others. ive lost that now and its been a while since i felt comfortable in my REAL HUMAN skin. ive been consumed by self hate and a desire to make myself believe im worthy by relying on other people. i know all the therapist things to say to all of this but its hard to believe in low moments where you need to do so the most. i just dont want to spectate my life anymore. i want to experience things and take ACTION and bring things into my life myself. sometimes this makes me feel pathetic because i am surrounded by people who command attention and dont need to build on their own, they have volunteers who want to help them and want to be in their life whatever that may mean. ive been working on releasing the shame and jealousy ive felt for my ENTIRE LIFE for these people because its not their fault and it is nobodys fault. with life so fragile they could slip and end everything they have. maybe what they have is only desirable to you and not to them and they wish they could have just a moment of calm. the grass always greener on the other side always makes sense but its so hard to make yourself believe it about things you think are fundamentally wrong with you. the thing that helped me is unironically social media because it is impossible that so many people, in fact, most people my age believe something wrong is within them. this makes no sense, if everyone is unlovable and off-putting and unattractive and yearns for love but never recieves it, nobody is alone. even if the people around me dont have these problems because i went to a school surrounded by well-off or otherwise eccentric people who, again, commanded attention. if i had ended up in a regular one im sure my perspective would be different. so FUCK IT. fuck the bars where its just men trying to fuck my friends fuck the clubs with awful music fuck desperation for alcohol to have a good time fuck cigarettes to calm down and regain balance fuck the sweet vape snack so you dont feel hungry fuck comparing yourself to pretty girls fuck comparing yourself to pretty boys fuck comparing yourself to ANYBODY fuck spectating fuck going quiet because youre sure theyre only talking so they can get to your friends. its time to stay inside. go outside alone. do shit for yourself NOT TO ALEVIATE FOMO IR ANXIETY but to better your life despite those things. okay yap over gafdammn.

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phalacrocoraxdreams · 11 months

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upset there was no mention of palestine at tonights conversion class, it felt like an impossible ask to think and talk about rest at a time when no palestinian is able to.

i think the zoom format is cheapening the experience of this class much more than it should be as well—maybe this will change once our regular teacher is back, but we haven’t introduced ourselves, and theres no way to get in contact with each other unless we know or ask individuals, and theres been no talk of in person meetings/attending services together/etc… obviously the material is important! but the cohort experience of this class is i think very important, and i’ll bring it up of it goes a couple more classes the same way but it feels like such a clear goal for a teacher of this class to have. i dont understand why the effort has not already been made. perhaps it is clearer to me because i have so much difficulty speaking/thinking in classes, and something that makes is much easier is actually knowing my classmates; i just find it ridiculous that we are lowkey expected to share things that are for some people deeply personal, like its a personal class, to such total strangers.

ive been having feelings about how much i want to share about my identities/lived experiences (lived-experiences-as-identities, often) with people… i feel pressure both to share and not share these pieces of me that are very personal. i feel deeply threatened by the idea that sharing about things like autism/mental illness/abuse/etc might attach me to more or more specific stigma and assumptions about me. i am a very private person as well and very bothered by assumptions made about me in general… i prefer to share information about myself that cannot be used to draw a conclusive picture, i try to remain personally invisible as a matter of course. and i really am trying to fight this urge because i want connection! i want people to know me! and giving people the actual words i use for myself (by telling them im autistic, labeling myself in relation to abuse, etc) helps them to know me 😐…

lol i think i do also have some they-wont-believe-me feelings about all of these things. unsurprisingly i have lots of feelings about the idea of not being believed 🙃 and some* internalized ableism

2 other things i am thinking about:

emotional overwhelm of trying to figure out how to respond to things that are personal to me** -> overstimulated, find it harder to speak from thinking and physical speech standpoints -> triggers shame which adds to the emotional overwhelm of trying to figure out how to respond…

i dont really like telling people im autistic if i dont have to but i worry that if people dont know im autistic no one will like me or want to be my friend. because people are more likely to be understanding about how you are weird and bad at talking to people if they know why lol

*unfortunately its actually so so much. when i say i hate being autistic i mean it for real.

**ntm the regular overwhelm of trying to process what the speech request was and come up with any appropriate answer, whether the request feels personal or not. talking takes up so much processing space >:(

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ventingoutmyass · 2 years

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3.21.23

just now realizing ive never talked about that person from the halloween store five months back. Not the cool name one, a different one. One who actually shares my given name, and I could write a ten-page essay on the impact of that fact alone, and if they continue to overtake my every free thought much longer, I imagine I will. I dont know how ive gone this long without mentioning them.

{this is humiliating to admit this shit, and if they ever find this i will kms about it. but documenting something so vital to my day-to-day is more important than the shame.}

I’ll make this clear here and now, I have no idea of their thoughts or feelings or intentions about me. None at all. I’m too autistic for any hints and they’re too autistic for me to read like I can read neurotypical people. I’m as in the dark as anybody else reading this; hell probably even more so.

There was no connection upon first contact like ive had before. Outside of their name, they did not cross my sightline for at least two weeks after meeting them my first day. It’s the way they naturally grew on me, and the way I feel like I grew on them.

Maybe I just romanticize everything about them. Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last. Maybe in the time lost between then and now fades the lines too much, i dont know.

But also, maybe its the way ive never met a person who fits that weird, awkward mold of a person who could potentially pull me out of this. (again, running off the last post that it still is nearly impossible anyway). Even physically, they look almost exactly alike, its freaky. Its like theyve just brought this imaginary figure alive, with a face easier to remember, a smile I couldnt lose for years, eyes ive lost myself in the memory itself in the fresher days.

Its the way that i could pick them apart at the seams, even five months later. All the little things, in all the ways I could never find a way to pick apart in those ive loved over the years, i could so easily in them. in the “what do you love about them” ways i never could believe in the answers ive given, let alone find believable ones. I found them in this person, somehow.

Their laugh, the joy and terror at the same time. The way they looked at me, I always felt seen. I felt known, and as terrifying the thought always has been, for once it didnt hold so much weight, like maybe I could learn how to carry it.

The way they looked at me. God, what I would give to have that evidence. It happened only once, and only for a brief few seconds, but god knows the way it stopped me in my tracks. I’m a pro at hiding, but I dont know if they may have believed what I hid it behind that day; if they had even been able to in that moment. Tunnel vision, two ways, that moment. Hell knows what they were looking for in those boxes or what question I asked, but damn do I carry that moment in me with hope, hope for what exactly im unsure, but hope nonetheless.

They were friendly. always were, even when clearly overwhelmed or angry. No matter who was around, no matter where, they regarded me only with kindness. Maybe it was because I was one of the only who didnt look down on them, maybe they wanted to make a friend in me, maybe for other reasons. For as little as I knew, I still felt that I always understood them. I saw them trying, I saw them struggling. At times, they reminded me a lot of myself, for many reasons of many versions of me over the years. I envied the ways they reminded me of myself in younger years, when I would’ve taken their friendliness in stride. Then again, they wouldn’t have liked who I was then, for all my own reasons. Maybe just three or four years ago then, before things got really bad. Maybe I would’ve accepted their friendship. Maybe I would’ve made advances. Maybe not, at the same time. I’ve always been a coward.

“no new friends“ got in the way. All of it, got in the way. I’ve never questioned these decisions or second-guessed dropping them until I knew this person. A person worthy of breaking the rules for. A person I likely will never know any further. A person I will carry for a long time, if not the rest of this time. The big ‘what if‘, a symbol for the biggest ‘what if’ i’d never know. What life I could’ve lived, if life had been better. Then again, if life had been better I likely never would have known them. Unless life offers me a way out of this path, I will never know the answers.

This sucks. All of it sucks, of course, but especially this. Im not saying what I wanted to say, I dont even know what I exactly want to say, just that I have to try. I don’t want to easily forget this impact.

I’m sorry for the times I seemed disinterested. I did everything I could to dance the line perfectly, “friendly so that you know I like you as a person, though I want no friendship, but none of its your fault”, I think would be the easiest way to describe how I interacted with them.

I guess if they are reading this, I’m sorry this is so stupid and meaningless and cringey. I’ll hate myself for writing this. I already do. I imagine you’ve forgotten about me by this point, definitely lost all interest if there was any to begin with.

I’m sorry I’m not good with words. I’m sorry I couldn’t be well enough to try. You deserve better. You deserve all the good in the world. Anybody I could have potentially loved deserves far more than I could ever offer them. That is a rule I have lived by for a few years now. I’m sorry I couldn’t say this to you.

Writing is all I know.

#they had spirit #ha #i couldnt find a way to fit that joke in here sorry

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the--lysine-contingency · 2 years

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ive been teetering on the edge of a major depressive episode for months. i slept for 14 hours last night. i missed work today. this isnt good. ive lost all positive momentum when it comes to the job search, dating, etc. and ive been seemingly treading water for almost a decade. my friends are my one saving grace, but theyre all so far away now and plus there's nothing they can really do or say anymore. they have their own lives to live.

my spending is out of control. my weight is out of control. i spend all my time alone and I am no closer to having a life of my own than i was when i was 17. everything feels empty and pointless and i dont have the energy or motivation to do anything that could actually help my situation. i feel so trapped. its not the same crushing misery as before. its just emptiness. im so far away from the life stage i want to be in, and I honestly dont believe im ever going to get there sometimes. Im really getting old. 30 isnt that old, but if i want to have kids i really am running out of time. but i cant seem to make any headway.

im exhausted all the time but ive never felt more restless. i know theres so much i could and should be doing but its so overwhelming that id rather just give up and do nothing. so i do.

i sit at home and drown myself in media and edibles and do nothing productive or useful.

and every time someone tells me i just have to push through and keep trying i want to shoot myself in the face. i know thats my only option, but it feels so impossible. im sick of platitudes and everyones so called advice. i just want out. im not getting anywhere. please just let me out.

#personal #ignore

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garlique · 3 years

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tw for suicide and self harm in tags !! pls just scroll !!

#my mood swings have been so terrible lately and i feel so bad abt it lmao #they usually aren't this like? extreme?#like normally i just kinda swing from side to side of the same line of bland sadness #n i get happy for a few minutes n i get deeply sad for a few minutes but it's always like so minimal that i can just play it off n hide it #but its just so extreme now and i feel so awful because its literally impossible to hide #like literally one minute ive been like 'wow this is the happiest ive ever felt' and then the next its like #if anyone moves or makes any noise or talks to me im going to start sobbing #and then like 30 min later its like i viscerally hate everyone ive interacted with today so much i want to scream #like miss girl WHAT is going on in there !!!! i hate this !!!!#literally nothing makes me happy like everything just makes me so angry #like literally everything. literally everything. literally everything. i can't think of a single thing that i couldn't be angry about #im SO FUCKING READY TO BE DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER HOLY SHIT #AAAAAAAAAAAAA I JUST GOT SO MAD #LITERALLY when i started typing this post i was like on the verge of tears and now im so blistering angry holy shit holy shit #i hate this !!!! ooh i want to die so BAD lmao #i always stop cutting when i get like. this unhappy/suicidal #twould b very sexy if i could like .... engage in the coping mechanism i specifically developed to deal with emotional overwhelm #god im gonna unalive this fucking sucks i hate living like this #the other really stressful part of this is that i don't #you know what never mind . cannot keep shoving my emotional shit into other people . this is all me babey !!!

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hitoshisbabygirl · 4 years

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Author's Notes ♡: Hello hello! Welcome to my first JJK fic for our free for all Valentine’s Day collab! I had fun with this free idea , I always wanted to do an AU like this so it gave me a bases for future ideas! Enjoy~ bunny ❥

Warnings : None! Some heavy kissing and such but nothing too explicit , Yuuji and Sukuna are twins ♡

Word count : 3.8k

Paring(s) : Tattooist!Sukuna x F! Reader

Enjoy ♡

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Sukuna couldn't stand it, the girl his brother brought over to his shop plagued his mind. Wide eyed and just as happy as Yuuji it was infuriating how energetic the pair was in the tattoo shop. He was used to the sound of his brother asking for him but once he hear a second voice his hand twitches , eyes moving from the drawing in front of him as his appointment in front of him practically was begging fro his attention, occasionally trying spark up a conversation as he drew out a rose, planned for her collarbone “So, did all of you tattoos hurt?” The girl asked, pushing herself closer as he continued to stech, not paying her much mind. “No, I guess i've always had tough skin though.” He said as the girl hummed and giggled continuing her talking “I've been afraid of needles for as long as I could’ve remembered, but maybe this'll get me over my fear huh?” she questioned as all he did was hum, finishing the small design. “Maybe. Is this okay?” He asked her as she gasped, her giggling increasing to his dismay

“Omg i love it! You're a good worker with your hands” She said as he started to get ready, popping off his rings as he put on gloves, running up red and black inks for the rose to be. “Your right shoulder, right?” Sukuna asked as she confirmed, moving her shirt a bit too low to try to entice him. Pushing more of it back up, Sukuna placed and got the stencil ready, finally looking up to the girl “Tell me if there's anything wrong okay ?” He said as she gave him an almost hungry look “oh please i sure will” And with that he started the tattoo, the girl he was tattooing letting out small cries and gaps. Every one of the sounds made him stop, checking on her as the girl tried to act differently but he knew she was in pain. Once the girl stopped in a crying spell and was able to calm down from the help of the giant tattooist “s-sorry i didn't know my collar bone was so sensitive” she said as he said she was okay, starting to go back to her tattoo once everything was better with the girl. Once finished , she started to pay when she started to hit on him again “ I'm still sorry for that whole thing , how about I get you a drink for the troubles huh?” She threw at him as he gave her a small smile “I have more clients later, and i'd rather not drink, don't really like to unless its special'' Sukuna responded as the girl admired her new rose that covered a small portion of her chest and collarbone “ How about we go celebrate my new tattoo? And the fact you helped me through it huh?” She suggested. Before he could respond he heard the high pitched sounds of laughter. Looking up to his door he saw his annoying brother but with one of the most beautiful girls he ever saw. Once finishing the payment with his client and her sliding her number on a piece of paper his brother came up with his friend “Hey Su! I want you to meet my bestfriend [ ]!” his hyper twin brother Yuuji said as Sukuna looked at the girl in front of them. She looked to be their age , shorter than him with a few tattoos and dyed hair herself. “Nice to meet you young lady”

Sukuna said as he took her hand, giving it a kiss. [ ] giggled as Yuuji fake choked, his brother rolling his eyes at him “ What? Not my fault you've never brought her around me, she's a lady, gotta give her a proper introduction right?” Sukuna teased as Yuuji grumbled causing [ ] to laugh “Well nice to properly meet you Sukuna , ive heard so much about the woman lure bad boy whos the polar opposite of his sweet and innocent twin” She teased as he gave her his own smirk “ Yet i know nothing of the cute little girl standing in front of me” Sukuna lashed back as [ ] felt her face heat up, a laugh coming from her. His brother pouted he stood in front of his brother , giving him a knowing look. “I brought her here for a tattoo, idiot” He said as Sukuna gave him a raised eyebrow, looking at the girl beside him “Is that right doll? Came here for a tattoo?” He asked as she gave him a shy smile back “Well erm, i kinda wanted to start a sleeve with you if that's alright?” with widened eyes Sukuna and Yuuji were surprised together, the strawberry blondes both looking as the girl gave them a confused look back “What? Is that bad?” She asked as sukuna kicked in “Nah, i'm surprised that you'd choose me ,i'm not the usual girly tattoo sleeve maker” He said as she gave him a smile, “And i'm not your usual girly girl who just wants flowers and shit as my tattoo” She retorted back as he gave her an impressed smirk, ushering her to the back of his studio room “You can come too twerp” he said to his brother as yuuji ran to join them, headed to the back room.

This became a recurring theme as over the next few days and even weeks , Sukuna and [ ] met to talk about her new additions, adding and removing elements as they started to get a good picture of what they both thought looked the best together, some ideas being saved for other single tattoos. “So how do you like it so far sweetheart?” Sukuna asked as [ ] gave him an enthusiastic squeal, moving over the turned drawing desk as she fell forward to hug the tattooed covered man. Shocked by her random falling grasp he chuckled, catching her so she wouldn't hit her hip on the swerving table and half giving her a hug back as they laughed together. [ ] pulled back some as she started to notice more differences between the twins. Starting with Sukunas face ; it was more clear and sunkissed, small freckles adorned his cheeks from the sunshine. Unlike his twin, she noticed how more stocky and strong his body and face was compared to Yuuji. The twins were pretty much identical , except for how they acted, the fact that Sukuna had tattoos and the sometimes usual differences between twins, like style and other small discrepancies. Unlike the bright and colorful yet athletic look Yuuji had , Sukuna tended to be more of a dark artsy look, usually black clothes , ripped jeans , rings and chains. He tended to give off the usual bad boy vibes, someone who you wouldn't want your parents to meet.

But under his hard exterior he was very personable , just as sweet as his twin. As she was lost in her own thoughts , her hands pushing off his chest he snapped her back to reality, a finger going under her chin as he gave her a gentle smile , catching the girl in midthought of her tattooist “Aren't you something….what's on your mind [ ]” He rasped out as her eyes widened, realizing how close they were. From the standing mirror she could really see it ; one of her thighs was in between his spreaded ones, the other in his right arm. From her arms wrapped around his neck her face was close to his, the two of them slightly chest to chest. Her body felt hot as the male in front of her smirked, meeting her eyes in the mirror as he looked at the scene in front of him too. Eyeing her in the mirror he could imagine the work to be put atop her skin, and how pretty she'd be in his work, the thought gave him a sense of protectiveness and overall close bond with the girl he was around for more than he'd had before. Spending hours a day , almost everyday except his super packed days had gotten him a closer bond with her and even with his twin brother, the group of them and their other friends relaxing and enjoying time together. The little things that they all did together made him realize how much he enjoyed taking a break. And how much he'd fallen for his new client.

Coming from his own thoughts he pulled her right leg higher onto his lap, causing her to fall forward as she gasped, their faces impossibly closer. “Hm...youre pretty when youre flustered..” he said absentmindedly as he looked back to them in the mirror ,wrapping an arm around her waist as he gave her a sly smile, moving back into the chair he sat in “S-sukuna?” [ ] questioned as he hummed, sliding his eyes from the mirror to her questioning ones. Tracing the hand on his chest he rose a brow, a silent sign to continue. “I-I can get down. I'm sorry i was a little excited-” She continued as she started to move. With quick ease Sukuna kept her in place, rubbing the back of her thigh as he leaned in, pulling her closer by the backs of her thighs “I like you here. You don't have to move unless you're uncomfortable” He said as she ran a hand through his messy hair, sliding it to his cheek as he laid his head in it, kissing her palm. With the small caring action she squeaked , making the male chuckle “Am i...moving too fast” He said , his voice barely a whisper as he tightened his grasp on her waist, eyes searching hers.

“N-no i'm just...surprised?” She half questioned as he gave a knowing smile, shifting her weight to completely have her in his lap. With a high pitched squeal and giggles [ ] landed comfortably , her calves hanging off as her thighs tightened around his waist. “See, isn't this more comfortable?” He asked as she shyly hid in his neck, overwhelmed by his random acts of affection “Sukuna...are you trying to just make me embarrassed” She whined as he stroked her back, putting her face deeper in his neck “Mh..no not particularly..kinda just...thinking” He said as he pulled his phone out. Facing the mirror he took a silent picture, a smirk on his lips as he looked it over. her body was perfectly flushed with his , her arms around his neck as the tattoo down her side was more prominent in the picture. From the way it looked was just a couple taking a handsy photo but for Sukuna, it was a seal for how he felt. He wanted to take more pictures like this, but with them being together. Mirror selfies, clothes or even more explicit for his own gallery ; he loved the way they looked together. Noticing how quiet he was [ ] sat up looking at the male as he set his phone up facing the mirror before squishing her face “Everything okay?” She asked with a squished face as he laughed , releasing her cheeks “I love this..” He admitted as she gave him a wide eyed look , his warm ones looking away from hers

“I know..all of this could be seen as a very lewd way to admit my feelings but..honestly i'm used to just having women want me for free tattoos and well..yknow..my talents'' Sukuna said as he gave her a crooked smile, a laugh coming from [ ] as she understood what he meant, but the fact that he's admitting feelings for her made her heart flutter “S-so you like me?” She asked warily as he let out a light sigh, leaning up to put their faces close again “Hey [ ]...i know this is awkward and embarrassing...for me at least...but..may i kiss you?” He whispered over her lips as she silently shook her head, letting her eyes feel heavy as he got closer, rubbing their lips faintly together. As soon as she tighten her arms around his neck he pushed his record on his phone, sealing their lips together. As the two started to make out he tightened his hands around her waist, a low hum coming from his throat as he bit her bottom lip, sliding his tongue in. the more heated it got the more she whimpered, pulling her kiss plumped lips away from his. Groaning he chased her lips, crashing them against his as they started to kiss again. Letting her nimble fingers move up from his neck she tugged at his hair at the back of his nape, making the male growl as he rocked her closer to him, his larger arms wrapping over her waist.

Once again she whined and pulled away, putting her head against his “Sukuna...I..geez you-” trying to catch her breath he gave an airsh laugh. Ending his video. Catching him touch his phone [ ] reached for it “What did you do?” She asked as he held the phone above his head, watching them kiss again as he grinned “Oh nothing..just wanted my confession is all” He said as she gave him a look “[ ]..i really do like you...god i could say i'm almost in love…” “Almost?” She whispered as he kissed her lips again “More like i am but..i dunno how you feel about me” He said as she gave him a soft look, kissing his cheek “I love the time we've spent together, and well, if you'll have me i'll be yours” She responded. A wide smile on his face as he leaned back in to kiss her, the new couple giggling through the sessions as they finalized the rest, starting on the masterpiece they had crafted together.

Starting on her sleeve was one of the most enjoyable things she had done. Every few weeks to a month depending on the healing time she was adding her next piece. As she finished all of her linework it came to coloring her colorful bits. For the next few months again she finished it, all while spending time with her tattooist boyfriend and friends. As she was to the final stretch of heer coloring she knew valentines day was coming up more and more. Her and Sukuna had been dating for around a year now, just a few weeks shy of it. As she came to the shop she waved to the receptionist, giving him a smile “Hey Megs, how are you?” Megumi, the inky haired boy looked up from his journal and gave [ ] a rare smile, “Hey [ ]! I'm good ,how are you today? Sukunas is in the back if youre ready for him” He said as she gave him smile “That's good! I'm so excited my tattoo should be done just in time for valentines day! Speaking of, do you have an idea of your valentine this year?” She teased as he gave her a shy look “Ah...not particularly but maybe once it came i would” He said as she gave him a nod in understanding. Hearing his girlfriend talking Sukuna came out, a grin on his lips “Hey babe” He said as he gave her a kiss to her neck, causing Megumi to groan as she giggled “Cmon dont make him uncomfortable with your affection, lets go big boy” She joked as she took her strawberry blonde to his room “Ah okay babe let me see your arm” Sukuna started as she took of his jacket, revealing her sleeveless crop top and work of art on her left arm. Turning her arm some he looked over her lines and color deposits , making sure everything looked right. “Its coming along nicely [ ]..i just have this little pieces on your forearm and we'd be done with piece” He said happily as she gave him a soft smile “I love it...just as much as i love you” She said as he looked up from her arm , giving her a shy smile “I love you more [ ]”

Sukuna said as he leaned up, kissing her lips as he set up his inks and machine, snapping his gloves as he started to finish her last pieces. As the buzzing of the machine lulled her comfortingly she caught the determined and concentrated look on his face as he tattooed away “Where do you wanna go on valentine's day...hypothetically speaking” Sukuna asked randomly as she started to fill in lines. Blinking comically, she looked down at her boyfriend. “Anything youd come up with” She said as he hummed, finishing up the last color as he wiped it clean, starting to clean up the ink and smaller tears in her skin hidden by the fresh ink. “Princess...thank you for letting me be the one that did your art…” He said as he traced her hand , kissing her fingertips as he flashed her a smile. “I love you more Su..” [ ] whispered back as she leaned forward, kissing his forehead.

As the two sat there in his studio and talked [ ] drew up a heart with their names in it , giggling as she showed her boyfriend “Look babe!” She said as he stopped cleaning his desk, analyzing her work “I like it, a lot. You did a great job sizing wise, and i always loved your cursive” he said as he ran a finger over the art again “You said you wanted to get better at tattooing, right?” Sukuna asked as he still looked over the design “Yeah i did, what about it?” [ ] asked as he stretched , reaching over as he pulled out his darkest black ink and vibrant red. Soon he picked up two pairs of gloves and one of his various machines “Ill let you do this on me, and i can do it on you if youd like” He said as she gave him a happy screech, starting to make the transfers “Really Sukuna, youd let me do that?” She asked as he nodded, prepping an empty space on his arm “Ill help you, make sure its deep enough but i trust you, you did a good job with the smaller ones on yourself. Youre good sweetheart im here “ And thats what he says the whole time she tattoos him, her lines were straight but she felt like her red names were lacking. Tracing them again the darken, showing up beautifully as she focused, holding his skin apart as she smiled at her work, wiping the access ink and covering it in ointment like he did earlier “I did it!” She jumped happily as he gave a satisfied grin, looking at her energetic girlfriend. ‘I love her’ he thought to himself as he thought of what hed do for her in the coming weeks for the day filled of love

On valentines day [ ] was at home, talking to Nobara as she heard a knock on her door. Telling the girl she'd call back, [ ] started at the door and opened it, seeing a giant bouquet of flowers as she took them nicely from the delivery boy “Uhhh miss [ ] correct? The sender also wanted you to have this” The boy fumbled with a note, handing it to the girl as she thanked him , watching him leave as she let out a happy squeal, reading it.

‘Dollface, I hope you're ready for tonight, I have a lot in store for us tonight. How about you wear that cute little black dress you got last time we went to the mall hm? I'll be over at four-SKR”

Giggling at his note she looked at the time, noting it was 2:00, she went to the back, starting to get dressed as she was excited to see what her boyfriend had planned for them. She took the time to curl her hair, setting them as she worked on her makeup. After taking the time she saw it was around 3:45. She smiled as she got a text from him, saying he was on his way. As she happily ran around her apartment , trying to get rid of the jitters she had for the night planned with her boyfriend. Soon she heard a knock on the door. Skipping to the dor she opened it to her tall boyfriend leaning against the frame, looking down at his girlfriend “Hi darling” Sukuna said as she stood on her toes , giving him a peck against his lips as she giggled “Hi” She responded as he wrapped his arms around her waist , kissing the crook of her neck. “Missed you..” He whispered as she hummed, rocking with him as they stumbled into her living room, Sukuna shutting her door behind him as he picked her up. Laughing , [ ] held onto him, looking down to her well dressed partner. He was in a black vest, adorned with red decals and black pants. Despite him wearing nicer clothes it had the same grudge feel to it, ringed fingers and pierced ears filled with glistening metals very promedent in his attire. As she gave him a glance over from being held in his arms he rose a brow and placed her down, giving her an uncharacteristic shy look “Do i look alright?....tried something new since ill be taking you out” He asked as she kissed his cheek, giving him a content smile “I love it. You still have that edge I fell in love with laced through and through” [ ] said as Sukuna felt his heart jump, a warmth creeping up his neck and face as he kissed her face, taking her hand “Well then...i'm very thankful with a woman like you in my life...thank you [ ]..you ready to go?” Sukuna softly asked as he outstretched a hand to her, making [ ] playfully laugh. Taking her ringed at tattooed lovers hand the duo set off, starting their first Valentines Day together.

Once night rolled around most had been finished [ ] and Sukuna found themselves on a hilltop, overlooking a city as they ate a snack basket that Sukuna prepared. Not only was he a tattooist but he could cook, and cook very well. “If I didn't have the urge to tattoo every square inch of my body with art maybe i'd be a cook” He laughed as she constantly complimented his cooking, laying her head on his shoulders. “This is wonderful Sukuna..ive really enjoyed today” [ ] said as he gave her a look before peering back at the city “I know how much you hated today so...I wanted to do something for you to love it” Sukuna said as she moved up, looking in his warm eyes as he reached out of his pocket, his phone showing their first accidental mirror picture they took together evident as his lockscreen. As he pulled the next thing to it, a shiny ring filed with her birthstone “This is for you, a promise to you” Tilting her head she took the beautiful ring and placed it on her finger, watching it glisten in the moonlight “A promise for what?” she asked “Ill never leave you, and one day...maybe...we could make that promise permanent” He said as he took her hand in his , pulling her in his lap as he sealed that promise with a kiss.

#ryomen sukuna #sukuna x reader #tattoo artist sukuna!#f!reader #jjk au #ryomen sukuna x reader #circus dome collab!#the circus dome collab

287 notes · View notes

baubaes · 3 years

Note

hi! is there a chance for Jemily with no22? some angst maybe? cheers🤗

Well hello to you to! And of course there is!

@thatonecurlygirl prompt list 22

“I can’t give you what you want.”

Ship: Emily Prentiss x Jennifer Jareau

Word count: 5,4k

Genre: angst/hurt/fluff/very very light nsfw? i have no clue how to label this

Warnings: mentions of violence, death, injuries, classic criminal minds vibes :^)))

Summary: "Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead. She, however, was on a plane to Paris." aka JJ taking care of staked Emily, the blackbird flashback and events around it.

A/N: i thought of way too many scenarios when even though Emily and JJ are literally in love, it could never work out. here's one of them :^) i hope you'll enjoy it!! xx ana apparently i just can't imagine a scenario in which these characters could have a peaceful, quiet and happy life, im so sorry

Emily felt drained.

She was all hurting, really bad, her head was killing her, not only from the beating she received those several days ago, but also the mere stress of all this.

It was pretty baffling for her to realize that she survived this whole ordeal.

She couldn’t say for how long she was out; it felt both like a blink of an eye and an eternity.

And she really thought that she died, when she eventually lost consciousness in Morgan’s arms. That still felt like ages ago.

It was all really confusing, but then again, she couldn’t spare too much of her strength to dwell on what actually happened. Emily just felt too weak to try to keep her eyes open for too long and that resulted in her reality being pretty much scattered.

When she woke up in a hospital room, she was dazed and overwhelmed. They’ve put her on some strong painkillers after the surgery and most of the time right then felt like a blur. She thought she heard some voices in her dream, maybe doctors, maybe… Was it JJ?

She heard bits and pieces of conversations, somebody commenting on her condition in a low voice, nervous footsteps circling around the room, the dimmed rhythmical sounds of all the equipment she was hooked to, some sort of buzzing and a one sided conversation that had to be a phone call.

Was it just some bizarre dream?

A way for her subconscious mind to cope with the anxiety surrounding the recent events?

Whether it was real or not, it let her stay in this state of slumber brought to her through an IV drip.

Despite all that, she felt really grateful. She wasn’t sure where to channel this gratitude though;

Her team for backing her up?

The doctors for patching her up in the OR?

God, for allowing her to continue her existence?

Then again, she wasn’t sure if the last one existed, nor that the almighty entity would waste its time on making sure little old her survives.

It was comforting though, that her last moments on this Earth managed not to be spent with Doyle, even if that was against her will, so in theory, she didn’t have much of control over this.

Memories of him were a combination of ones that she’s made as Emily Prentiss and ones that she’s made as Lauren Reynolds. As Emily, it consisted of all those moments when he threatened her and her team, he kidnapped her, tortured her, nearly killed her…

As Lauren she was able to saw his more… Humane side.

Lauren was his girlfriend. Lauren lived with him,

Lauren shared her joys and fears with him. Lauren loved him.

But that was Lauren.

She wasn’t real. An identity, that’s all that she was.

And even though Emily tried to convince herself that Lauren’s feelings were perfectly compartmentalized away from her own, deep down she knew she was lying to herself.

Was Doyle ever somebody she actually loved?

She definitely despised him, but it felt like now she was obligated to despise even her own self for ever having feelings for this monster. Positive ones anyway.

Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead.

She, however, was on a plane to Paris.

It was all coordinated by Hotchner and JJ.

Nobody else knew.

Her team, her friends, her loved ones were about to attend her funeral in a few days.

She imagined confused look on Spencer’s face, Garcia’s eyes filled with tears, Morgan frowning and looking away. Would Rossi be sad, or would he finally feel relieved to be ridded of her impulsiveness and comments on literally everything?

She imagined her mother, who obviously was not on it, throwing a pile of soil on the coffin. That would not hold her body inside. Would she cry? Would she stay composed even at a funeral of her only child? Well, again, it wasn’t real real, but she wouldn’t be able to realize that.

For some reason, she figured JJ would’ve taken it upon herself to feel guilty, despite knowing what was going on.

They both knew it was the only way to make it all work.

Emily worried about everyone, but there were two people she worried about the most. Spencer and Penelope.

They both were incredibly strong, but she couldn’t be sure how would they deal with this.

She worried, since Reid did not cope well with losing authorities. And even if he would never admit it to her face, she knew that he looked up to her.

The thought of that made her feel the bile appear on the back of her throat.

That kid has lost so many people already… And he internalized all that, it had to be weighing on him every single day. It felt cruel to add another person to that list.

She had to keep thinking about the bigger picture to even remotely be able to deal with all that.

Now Garcia was somebody that Emily truly loved.

It was hard to imagine her being sad over her „death”.

Not because of the probability of the blonde being sad,

rather the severity of her grieving, Emily would imagine.

Penelope was one of those people who were able to feel so much, maybe even too much sometimes.

And on a daily basis it was wonderful. That’s what’s made her such an incredible, empathetic human being, who, despite their job, was still able to not only - be cheerful, but to cheer others up as well.

When she thought of that, it felt as if her heart could break to million pieces.

It was strange, how in that moment she should still feel the pain;

They’ve stabilized her after the surgery, but there were still bruises on her face, stitches across her abdomen, burnt skin on her chest. And she did feel it, but it was blurred, far away.

The feeling that made her grasp reality to the point of hyperawareness was the emotional pain.

Somehow she was able to compare it to the pain of being staked.

She still wasn’t sure what was a proper emotional response in that situation.

It wasn’t in the manual, or in training, despite people having to go… Well, faking your own death was like going undercover, in a way.

Both at the Interpol and the FBI, nobody taught her how to feel, while pretending to be dead.

She knew how to make it happen technically, more or less. After all, Lauren had already died. Her old team, JTF-12, was able to pull that off those several years ago. Including her of course.

But that was Lauren. An identity, which, sure, she’s been tied to for quite some time, living as her, acting like her, becoming her in a way.

Still, just an identity.

Right now, there wasn’t a disguise, an identity to toss away, allowing her to come back to her regular life.

Right now her regular life was supposed to cease to exist.

Before, she thought about her goal and the fact, that she survived. She was grateful, in some way she felt obligated to take care of Declan and she wouldn't be able to do that, if she was actually dead, right?

Even though she knew that she had no right to feel attached to the boy as much as she did, she just couldn’t help it. The image of him as a toddler, walking around the room in Doyle’s house stuck in her head. She couldn’t shake it off. And even before Doyle found her, that image caused her to have problems with falling asleep from time to time.

Emily never seriously thought of herself becoming a mother, for that role to be the main purpose of her life. She was afraid of screwing her potential children up, because she knew that even if she meant well, it wouldn’t guarantee them turning out okay. And her line of work made it impossible to both realistically approach the idea of maternity - she didn’t have a partner and if she were to be a single mother - it would be impossible to keep up with the BAU - that job was just too demanding; but also she saw so many downright evil, just unimaginable things that people were capable of doing to one another. How could she ever be able to shield a child from that?

Suddenly, all these ridiculous, small things that she wouldn’t think twice about made her feel as if each and every part of her life was just slipping through her fingers, right there, right then.

That one window in her apartment, the one with the wide windowsill, she loved to sit on it and watch the sky. Sergio would curl up in her lap or right next to her, on the windowsill, quietly purring, when she would pet his black fur. It didn’t happen often, because most nights she'd come home so exhausted, all she could basically do was just pass out on her bed. And Sergio would sleep on a pillow right next to her, despite Emily's promises to herself that she will teach him to stop, because she'd wake up covered in his fur with a runny nose.

But when she had a chance to do that, it made her mind stop racing, at least for a few minutes. That barely ever happened anywhere else.

Now she realized that Sergio was alone in her apartment and she panicked. But just for a second, because then she remembered JJ in the hospital, telling her that Penelope took him in. Of course she did. He'd definitely be surrounded with love. She wished she could've just taken him with her though, since she's already been missing him. Silly little fur ball, making her fall in love with him gradually. Penelope wouldn't be able to resist his charm for sure, she thought to herself, smiling. Still, she felt really sad.

Emily realized that she’s left so many things behind.

She didn’t think of herself as someone intensively attached to material possessions, but all these had a sentimental value for her and that was the only thing that mattered.

The thoughts invading her head were random, coming to her without any particular sense or order, falling on her mind like an avalanche.

And she thought about that crumpled up picture, capturing her with her friends when she was a teenager, back in Rome.

A cross, that her mother gave her on her first communion. She wasn’t ever really wearing it, but she liked knowing that it was safely tucked away in one of the drawers in her closet. It brought her some strange kind of comfort.

A box with letters she’d exchange with her father when she was a kid, because even though they moved around together as a family, he still would have assignments all around the world. So he would leave for a single weekend, or for several months at a time. No matter how long or short was he leaving for, he’d always try and send her a postcard, hence the collection of them, both from huge cities in Europe and Asia and tiny places she’s never even heard of before in America or Australia.

Maybe she wasn’t going through this box ritually on some settled schedule, but every once in a while she would look at those tacky pictures of touristy little towns, as well as simple, beautiful pictures of great historical monuments or watercolored landscapes of picturesque countrysides. And they'd make the corners of her lips rise up just a tiny bit.

All that with a couple words reading simple greetings, scribbled in a hurry, in her dad’s small, not exactly neat handwriting, on the back of each and every one of them.

„Love you, Dad” summed up every single message.

And looking at those words made her feel warmth, both now and when she was a little girl. Her father wasn’t very talkative and he rarely told her he loved her unprompted. So she got used to reading these words, instead of hearing them from him.

She cherished these postcards and anytime she’d go through them, she noticed some kind of feeling spread throughout her body, that felt like pure joy, but also love and safety.

Kurt Vonnegut’s "Sirens of Titan".

Morgan lent it to her a few months ago.

The book was by her bed, bookmarked with some crumpled receipt for groceries she’d found at the bottom of her purse, when she'd had to suddenly break away from Rumfoord and Kazak on the jet.

She’s read it before, truth be told, (in Italian and back in the ’80s), but Morgan insisted that she just had to read the original version. And even though there was a stack of books she wanted to read going back at least two years sitting on her bedroom floor, dangerously leaning against the radiator, the day she brought it home, she placed the Sirens on the very top of her bedside table, instead of the stack.

She’d imagine Morgan would appreciate that gesture.

Morgan, her partner.

Morgan, who held her before she passed out.

Morgan, who always had her back.

And she tried to do the same for him in the field.

He’s saved her ass countless times.

Emily wished she could have had his back right now.

She realized with a paralyzing fear that it could last forever.

Doyle could lay low, undetected for years.

Would it keep Morgan up at night?

Would he blame himself, wondering?

If he'd gotten to her seconds earlier, if he had only ran faster, if he’d found her sooner, would it change anything?

Thinking about that made her fists clench suddenly.

If she had any fingernails left, they would surely dig into the skin of her palms very painfully right now.

Emily felt this overwhelming guilt filling her chest, making her throat feel as if it was closing, her teeth grit.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, as if the jet’s cabin had become decompressed and she couldn't reach the oxygen mask.

"You’re doing okay?"

She heard the soft and calming voice of her only companion on this flight, naturally besides the pilot.

JJ was looking at her with those big, worried, blue eyes and even though Emily’s first instinct was to nod, as she did just that, she felt her eyes watering.

"I can't stand the thought of all of them grieving over a lie."

She mumbled out.

"Emily, you know that this is the only way. We’d never make them go through this, if there were any other options. They will understand."

JJ’s voice became more firm with the last sentence, she was obviously in a mind space reserved for dealing with crisis.

"I really thought that was it, you know?"

Emily asked, a little startled at the sound of her own voice.

She couldn’t recall the last time she’s held an actual conversation with another person, one that wouldn’t consist of barely understandable mumbling as a form of communication on her end.

"There came that point, where the pain went away, I guess I went into shock. I heard Morgan’s voice and I wanted to keep my eyes open like he told me to so bad, but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was slipping away and it felt so… Easy. I wasn’t scared at all. I… I knew you guys would take care of Declan, if I wasn’t around. And that all of you would be okay."

She said, trying to piece together everything that happened.

"And apparently I've coded in the ambulance? I had no idea, but some glimpses are coming back to me, slowly. But it was like I’d fallen asleep."

She added, her face reflecting her mind in a state of deep contemplation.

Her thoughts were interrupted by JJ’s voice.

"Thank God, you didn’t…"

Emily only now noticed that with every word that she spoke, JJ’s eyes became more and more glossy. She frowned.

"Hey, I’m here."

She leaned in and smiled faintly.

"Its gonna take way more than some branding and a little stake for you to get rid of me."

JJ laughed, wiping the tears away, before they had a chance to flow down her cheeks.

"Why would I ever want to get rid of you?"

Blonde asked, her voice now soft, her expression puzzled.

Emily felt something strange in her chest.

At first her brain assumed it had to be her burnt skin and damaged nerve endings, but no.

It felt nice, it wasn’t painful.

That warmth, spilling around her insides.

She didn’t have a witty comeback to her question. She wanted to think it was because of the meds making her hazy, but she wasn’t sure anymore. She just looked down at her chest and frowned again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The first thing I’m doing, when we get to Paris is having this removed."

She heard her own voice.

"How could a brand hurt more than getting staked?"

"Maybe it’s a psychosomatic itch you’re scratching? The brand left an emotional toll, Doyle established dominance over you by marking you as his, a stake… I mean you overcame death. The ultimate victory over your foe. Why suffer a pain you’re proud of?"

JJ wondered, actually trying to analyze all that. She looked at her, now amused.

"Or you could always get another tattoo."

Emily laughed at that. JJ continued.

"You know, something transformative? Like a… A phoenix. Or a blackbird."

"I love the song."

Emily said.

"But something tells me, I shouldn’t tread in your waters."

JJ looked at her with a questioning look.

"Come on, JJ. Something’s obviously different about you. You commandeered an Interpol jet. You’re profiling me."

JJ looked down and sighed. Emily continued.

"Why didn’t you say your transfer was a backstop?"

At that JJ’s expression turned to a confused one, indicating that what the other woman said was the truth.

"Oh, I know that look. The 'I can’t trust anyone, but myself' look. I invented it."

Emily added, trying to make it sound funny, but ultimately, it still came out serious, because it was true. JJ smiled at her slightly, but she looked sad.

"Do you ever feel like you’re in way over your head?" Emily nodded, wanting her to continue.

"I got assigned to an information hunt. Instead, I am chasing an unsub, who killed my informant."

"What would Hotch tell you to do?" Emily asked without hesitation. That’s how she found her way around during any investigation, ever since she joined the BAU.

"Focus on victimology, let behavior lead the way…"

JJ listed out loud.

"Exactly. Who did your unsub kill?"

"The one person I was getting through to."

"Why?"

Emily continued with her questions, seeing that they initiated JJ’s thought process.

"Because I was getting through to…" JJ said, frowning.

"I was getting through to her. What if she was about to expose her killer? Someone on the inside…"

Emily could tell that JJ needed somebody else to look at her situation and see it in from a different angle. JJ got really pensive, her eyes glued to some nonexistent point in space.

"It sounds like it's time for you to be the blackbird and flip the script." Emily said slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I guess it does." JJ said with a tiny smile, before getting up.

"Hey, why won’t you try and sleep at least a while? We won’t be landing for several hours, so…"

"Right. You should try and sleep too. I’ve been in a coma, so I caught some Zs, when you think about it. Medically induced ones, but still. You on the other hand must be exhausted."

Emily’s face was covered in grey, purple and yellow spots, but JJ’s face, even though not bruised, still indicated that she had a rough couple of days. She had bags under her eyes, her cheeks pale, instead of slightly flushed like they normally were, her face tired.

They both looked quite miserable.

JJ just smiled in response, but her eyes weren’t a part of that smile. Her eyes stayed sad.

She walked to another seat, so she could try and lie down.

Emily wanted to let JJ rest, because she suspected that by suggesting sleeping, she actually had an excuse to take a nap herself, even if it was supposed to last only few minutes. She deserved a good night sleep, Emily thought to herself, watching the blonde struggling to find a comfortable position. When she eventually succeeded, Prentiss leaned back in her own seat, looking out the window. Her chest was still burning, but she wouldn’t even flinch. Her eyes, almost independently from her will, landed on the other woman every couple of minutes. She watched JJ’s chest move rhythmically, until her breathing became really deep and really steady and she was without a doubt asleep.

She knows what’s happening,

Emily thought to herself.

And so does Hotchner.

Yet, they’re going to have to look at the rest being in pain and they’re going to have to pretend that they’re going through the same thing.

And when she thought about Hotch, it wasn’t that hard to imagine.

He would keep himself perfectly composed in pretty much any situation she ever saw him in.

He was able to calculate his next move without showing as much as a microexpression.

It could be a little unsettling sometimes, but then again when he was surrounded by his family, when he was with Jack, he would expose this softer and loving side of himself. Just a bit. It was quite the view.

Emily had no doubt that he was a good father. And a good man.

He really was great at planning, thinking ahead like no one else;

he had his way of smoothly dealing with issues that inevitably came up during their investigations.

All those things made him an incredible section chief.

Emily was certain that she could trust him with her life. And she did.

It would be hard for anyone to keep such a burdening secret from people you are constantly around.

Eventually, you could start believing the lie, but that also took dedication. It was even harder when you had to lie to people that were actually a part of your life, people that you were close to.

It’s one thing to be undercover and to keep a secret from people you’re trying to infiltrate. During such operations it felt justified to do that, choosing the lesser evil, the end justify the means and all that.

It’s a completely different thing to do that to your friends and family.

"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart. That goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another."

A quote by the author Elizabeth Bear, that she's memorized from reading her New Amsterdam series more than once. She was repeating it in her mind, not being able to stop.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. She knew that they made the right call. Still, it was just devastating, thinking what they voluntarily sentenced themselves to.

She tried to calm herself down with proper breathing. It helped.

Emily finally decided to try to sleep. She thought that since she was still medicated, she’d pass out easily, but that didn’t happen.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw faces of her team members. She felt like her chest was being crushed. Breathing didn't really help.

After what felt like forever of forcing herself to fall asleep without any luck, she opened her eyes and just kept them open. She focused her gaze on what was behind the window.

The clouds, barely visible in the navy skies.

She didn’t do it on purpose, but she realized that she started to dissociate.

And she let herself do it.

The numbness felt better than the stinging guilt.

She didn’t really register it, but tears left her eyes, falling on her lashes and cheeks, as her deep, dark eyes focused on the navy color in front of her, forty thousand feet above the ground.

She couldn’t tell how long it took, but only JJ’s turning in her sleep, simultaneously throwing a bag off the seat made Emily come back to reality. Blonde didn’t wake up. She looked really peaceful.

She thought about not seeing her for God knows how long. It stung, to a point of her gasping. Afraid, that maybe that could’ve woken her up, Emily wiped her tears away, but JJ’s eyes stayed closed. And these intrusive thoughts came back to roam inside her head.

Sure, JJ wouldn’t be with the BAU now, since she’s had that informant operation, but no doubt, she would still see them. They were a huge part of her life after all.

Emily watched her face, calm and soft, imaging it twisted in pain and grief, having to pretend one of their own was dead.

In her mind, JJ was one of the strongest people she knew. She was persistent, hardworking and incredibly professional, but she was also kind, nurturing and very loyal.

What she was doing for her at this very moment proved it perfectly.

She knew that JJ accepted her part in this plan on her own and if she were to start trying to talk her out of it (never mind that it was also too late for that at this point), she wouldn’t change her mind. To be fair, if they switched places, she would do the same for JJ, but still, she couldn’t stop worrying about the woman sleeping on a seat across from her.

Emily watched her friend and it brought her some sort of comfort, a feeling of safety.

She finally dozed off, trying not to think, but focused on JJ’s steady breathing instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Emily, we’ll be landing in about an hour."

She heard, opening her eyes, and she saw JJ standing in front of her, one of her hands on her shoulder.

"I thought you’d like to change before the transfer."

Emily’s hand landed on top of hers, holding both of them on her shoulder.

"Oh, right. Thank you, I…" she looked down at their hands, trying to focus. "We’ll have to say goodbye soon, right?" she blurted out, looking back at her face.

JJ sighed and sat down right next to her, not taking her hand away, but instead, intertwining their fingers and resting both their hands in Emily’s lap.

"Well, it seems so."

She smiled, but her eyes were reddened, filling with tears once again.

Emily’s gaze was glued to their hands, watching JJ’s wrist and fingers, so delicate right now, but perfectly capable of throwing a good punch. Her eyes stopped at the ring on her finger; Henry’s birthstone. She felt that strange feeling again, that warmth spreading throughout her body.

"It’s not going to last forever. We will find Doyle."

JJ mumbled out and Emily held her breath.

"I know, but… I will miss you so much."

Emily said, before instinctually putting her arms around blonde’s waist, to which she responded with wrapping her arms around her neck. JJ tried to be gentle, because of Emily’s condition, but brunette only held her tighter.

They were so close right now, that she could hear the other woman’s heartbeat. It was slightly elevated.

JJ pulled back just a little, so she could look at her face.

"I will miss you as well." she whispered, their eyes laid on each other.

JJ said the next sentence so quietly, that Emily could barely hear it.

"You’re very special to me, you know that?"

Emily wouldn’t be able to logically explain why she did what she did next, but somehow her hands ended up on both sides of JJ’s face and she leaned in, placing her lips on blonde’s ones.

She wasn’t thinking, but as she kissed her, the other woman immediately kissed her back. Emily felt soft palms cupping her face, her eyes closed. That kiss was filled with so much pain and longing and some kind of desperation.

But it made her whole body fill up with that warmth.

Emily wasn’t even sure what that was, so she tried to be gentle. She ended up kissing JJ in a somewhat shy manner, yet the other agent was deepening the kiss with each second, making it more and more passionate. Emily felt her back hitting the wall and a moan left her throat, captured by the kiss. JJ reacted by slowing down, moving her fingers across her face, running them through her hair. Emily was still cupping JJ’s face, her skin felt so soft and warm under her fingers when she brushed them across her cheeks. Their tongues slowly swirling around one another, this time Emily caused JJ to gasp, as she bit her lower lip. She responded with kissing brunette even more eagerly, so Emily brushed her fingers along her neck, resting them on her shoulders. One of her hands was caressing the skin covering JJ’s collarbone. At that she sighed, barely audibly, but Emily caught it. Her fingers moved towards the skin covering her breastbone.

JJ suddenly pulled back and broke the kiss, leaving both of them breathing heavily, blood flowing through their cheeks and lips.

Emily placed her hands back on JJ’s shoulders, she didn’t mean to make her feel uncomfortable.

Finally, after what felt like forever, she broke the silence.

"JJ, I…" she didn’t even know what to say. It wasn’t right. She had a loving husband, a family. She didn’t mean to ruin it for her.

"We don’t have to talk about this." she said quickly and Emily felt strange. She took her hands off of her shoulders and leaned back, so there was space between them.

"I… Dont… Look, if we won’t see each other for…"

She started, but her voice broke, when she realized what expression showed up on JJ’s face.

Regret.

Emily felt so many contradicting things in that moment, that she basically froze. JJ was looking away.

"You went through something traumatic, we all did. It’s only natural to crave human contact then. And it can present itself in many different ways. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine."

"JJ, it means… It means everything for me."

Emily choked out, placing her hand on top of blonde’s. JJ turned her hand, so she could squeeze Emily’s one between her fingers.

She smiled looking at their hands, but only for a fraction of a second. And then she took her hand away, only to look Emily straight in her eyes. She seemed sad, but also… Agitated.

"I can’t give you what you want, Emily." she said quickly, getting up.

"There’s too many reasons why. And… You have to leave."

JJ stated, sort of matter-of-factly.

Emily couldn’t really comprehend what just happened. But all of the pain, both physical and mental suddenly came back, not dimmed anymore.

This was… This wasn’t the time for this. Come on, Emily, it’s time to compartmentalize again. You used to be so good at this!

Well, before joining the team anyway.

"We’re landing in 15. You have to change, definitely cover up these bruises at least a bit." JJ continued talking, her voice morphing back to that task-oriented tone. She was taking clothes and makeup out of the bags, handing the items to her. "Hurry."

Emily felt like she couldn’t move, but she forced herself to get up and do what she needed to. They weren’t looking at each other and even though she wanted to scream, she kept perfectly quiet.

Compartmentalize. It’s not the time. It didn’t mean anything.

They landed and after JJ made sure that the right person was waiting outside to drive Emily to a safehouse, she stood in front of her and hugged her. Emily wasn’t really expecting that right now, since the atmosphere was so tense.

"I will miss you, no matter what." JJ whispered and even though Emily was so stunned from the pain and all around confused, she knew they couldn’t part without a proper goodbye.

"Thank you, for everything. Take care of them." Emily said and she embraced her tightly, one last time. Emily wanted to say that she’ll miss her like crazy, but it felt both like too much and not enough.

She didn’t want to let them turn this into a final goodbye.

"Of course. I will see you soon, okay?" JJ smiled and Emily smiled back. It wasn’t the best forced smile, but she just couldn’t do better in that moment.

"Goodbye, Jennifer." she said sounding way too official, taking a first step out.

"Goodbye, Emily."

Prentiss turned away and quickly made her way to the parked car.

She saw JJ’s face one last time through the tiny window.

The car left the landing strip and disappeared in the night.

„Goodbye, Emily.” she thought to herself, as she caught her own reflection in the side mirror.

„Goodbye, Emily.”

JJ whispered, placing a red rose on the coffin.

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heysatori · 4 years

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Can you write about the Bakusquad, you know each of them, where y/n has been through a lot of heartbreaks and is unsure about relationships, but they reassure y/n that they won't do that and everything will be fine? And maybe a little fluff in the end for good measure.

Bakusquad reacting to y/n being scared of getting into a relationship genre: fluff, angst pairings: Bakugou x reader, Kirishima x reader, Sero x reader, Kaminari x reader, Ashido x reader a/n: sorry i responded to this a little late! all ive been doing is watching minecraft streams, watching anime and sleeping while balancing school work ehe (⌒_⌒;) but thank u sm for the request ! i hope this satisfies ur request ! disclaimer that the pictures im using arent mine ! they are from heroacacaps ! so credits to them ! if u guys want to scream at me u can dm me here or on my twitter ! @kodzusan (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ im still accepting requests

Bakugou Katsuki

both you and bakugou were scared of relationships for different reasons

bakugou was scared because he knew how rough he was around the edges, if he was even fit to be in nice relationship

you on the other hand were scared of relationships because of the amount of heartbreaks youve been through

you were cheated on, broken up with, ghosted, and just left hanging

after all those mistakes you learned ur lesson !

so after having bakugou come up to you, courting you in the nicest way possible (giving you a bowl of your favorite food), you didnt know how to react

on surface level, katsuki had quite a few red flags here and there

but since you had gotten to know the boy a little better over the course of time, you learned to understand why he is the way he is

you trusted bakugou

so having him court you was surprising

although u had the fattest crush on him, you still didnt know what to do

so instead of refusing him with no reason, you explained your past to him (parts of which he already knew)

he understood completely, all he wanted was to treat you right and make you happy !!

“listen y/n, i know im a little rough around the edges, but i promise you that i wont do any of that stupid shit to you! all of your exes are absolute fuckin’ dumbasses for doing that to you and im here to treat you right and make you the happiest youve ever been! if you’ll let me”

ヽ( `д´*)ノ <- he blushes a little at the end

although wary, u trust him 1000% !!

so you accept his offer !!

hes pretty shocked that you accepted and instantly pulls you in a hug !

“thank you, i promise you fucking wont regret this”

Kirishima Eijirou

you had honestly fallen for eijirou the moment you met him

but with your considerable bad love life you decided against pursuing after him

but u couldnt help but feel urself get drawn towards him !

and surprise surprise ! you two become great friends !

but as time passes by, ur feelings for him become stronger, which is the total opposite of what u wanted (╯︵╰,)

so its an even bigger surprise when kirishima comes up to you with your favorite flower, asking you to be his significant other

he was so sweet but u were too scared to get into another relationship !

even though u and ur exes were in middle school at that time, those things still hurt you

you explain all of this carefully to the redhead, not wanting to hurt his feelings

he feels tears spring to his eyes as you tell him about your past

he just wants to make you happy !

so without thinking, he pulls you into a hug

“im so sorry that happened to you! you dont have to get with me if your scared! but just know that i wont ever, ever do those things to you! all i want is to make you happy, but its alright if you say no, ill still be here for you no matter what”

overwhelmed with emotions, you end up tearing up as well, melting in his bear hug

not wanting to make such a rash decision in the height of your emotions you tell the red head you’ll think about it (strongly hinting that you want to say yes)

Sero Hanta

sero is a very chill man so your attraction to him was a little unexpected

but you admire him a lot for a lot of things that he does !

u keep ur attraction to him on the down low though

it felt a little one sided for a while

you two barely interacted and he didnt even look at you most of the time

but your relationship with him took a sudden turn and u two became close friends !

you two bonded over mangas that you both read, occasionally spending time in his room to read the latest releases together !

one day, sero invited you to his room to read a romance manga he found out about a few days prior

you come over and end up sharing the book since you didnt have ur own copy

when you and sero reach a panel where the main characters aka the lovebirds finally kissed for the first time, the tall boy looked over to you

“wish i could do this with you” he said gently

NOTHING could explain how surprised u were !!

“are you serious?”

“of course i am”

at this you explain to sero that although you reciprocate the feelings, relationships are a little rocky for you considering your past relationships

sero wraps an arm around you and pulls you to his side, burying his nose in the side of your head

“thats fine, you dont have to say yes, just you knowing that i like you is good enough for me, just know that i wouldnt ever think about doing those stupid things to you, but if i can make you happy now, then im already doing a great job”

Kaminari Denki

kaminari was a very sociable boy !! so it was impossible that you two werent friends after a few months you start to notice the way your cheeks tend to heat up when ur around the blond

other people were also very aware at how when you and kaminari were together, both of you became blushing messes

they didnt talk about it though

they wanted the two oblivious dumbasses to figure it out themselves - ehem bakugou

one day though, kaminari comes knocking at your door, looking ridiculously shy

“uhm hi! i uh, i was, uhm, wondering if you maybe wanted to date me?”

before you could even process what he said, he immediately took it back

“wait no! uhm well i mean i like you a lot, thats why im asking! like a lot alot! i love your smile and your laugh and everything and i just, like making you happy, it makes me super duper ultra happy!”

although u want to accept denkis offer, your horrible dating life was looming over you

with this, you quietly tell denki that you dont think relationships are your thing

he doesnt hesitate to ask you why !

you unwillingly tell him about your stupid relationships and hes quick to retaliate your self degrading words

“hey! you arent stupid alright? you were young, things have changed! you’ve changed! i dont wanna force you into anything but just know, even if im a dumbass i wont treat you like that, ever! in fact, ill even be the best relationship youve ever had!”

he pulls you into a hug not long after, squeezing you tight against his chest

“i trust you, sure, ill date you” (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡

Ashido Mina

mina is a very determined person !

so when she wants something, she’ll get it one way or another

so when she realized her big fat crush on you, she knew immediately that she wanted to date you

and it wasnt just something about you, it was everything about you!

the way you stand, laugh, smile, talk, even if ur just sitting at your desk nodding off into sleep, she still thinks your the most amazing person ever (￣ε￣＠)

she doesnt hesitate to approach you after she is absolutely SURE about her feelings towards you

youre shocked of course, but you couldnt deny that you harbored feelings towards mina either

you reluctantly tell her that although the feelings were mutual, you were still scared of getting into a relationship

she listens carefully as u tell her about your past, rubbing your arm as comfort as you reveal a few of your insecurities

“you didnt deserve any of that, i hope you know that! you dont have to say yes or anything, i dont want you to feel forced or pity, but i can treat you so much better that all of those jackasses! but we dont have to date for that, i can still do those things as a loving and good friend!”

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