#ive been trying to make friends since the start of school but im too scared to and everyone already seems to know someone else and i dont

[kirexa]

There's a lot of things that if you guys knew you would probably yell at me abt

[fcknstar]

,,locked up with you "

marcuslopez x fem! reader

a.n : this was requested and its been such a long time since ive watched deadly class omfg. im abit rusty in writing him and m vv sorry. i hope this is okay and could go to the suggestive way which m going to make a part 2 of! my taglist!

warnings : intoxication?, suggestive ending

**lowercase intended**

there was only one rule that was greatly feared by the students. “ never kill another student in and outside school grounds. “ it was widely known among students that there was once an incident that happened, the culprit facing grave punishments.

walking back to your dorm to set your thing down before getting lunch was the only thing you looked forward to. you enjoyed eating as much as you enjoyed eating it with your best friend. despite being one of the most respected students here, you didnt care if people gave you the side eye if they caught you being friends with the rats. it was normal some of the royals from other groups to bust down your door to take you to serve you a reminder to never communicate with that “ filthy rat “ you associated yourself with. lex, petra and billy were the only few rats you enjoyed being with. the rest? not really what you are looking for in a friend. of course, being friends with the rats doesnt mean that you get along with every single rat you see. for example marcus. ever since he joined kings dominion, hes nothing but a stuck up bitch. just because rumors has it that he killed an entire orphanage, he thinks that everyone will fear him. 

going out of your dorm to meet up with lex, you were met with a hard chest. when the scent smacked you in the face, you knew exactly who you bumped into. 

" hey! arent you going to apologize? " marcus voiced out. 

ignoring him, you quite literally had to push yourself out of his big figure, dodging him as he tried to push you against the wall. seeing lex in the distance, you called out for him and pretending that marcus isnt trying to kill you. of course, angered by your actions, he tried to scare you off, when the master lins people started pushing everyone into random dorms. to your luck, you were in your dorm with lex. to your luck, marcus was too in it. 

" another student have been found dead and im going to find out who. " master lins voice echoed through the empty halls. 

" oh my, t's lockdown. well, seems like we are going to miss lunch, beautiful. " lex chuckled. 

" beautiful? you? calling her beautiful? are you seriou- " marcus started pestering you, gesturing all kinds of hand signs that nearly looked similar to gang signs. 

" well, she is one of the finest women here in kings dominion. hey, you got any glue and a plastic pencil case? " lex started looking around the room for the said items, making marcus frown in confusion. 

" its in the drawer in my desk. to the left " you knew lex found it when you heard eager sniffing after a fart-like sound signaling that he emptied the glue out. 

" ohh.. " marcus concluded that lex wanted to get high. of course. 

it had been afew hours and lex got knocked out after being starved and getting high on an empty stomach. you were on your bed looking through your textbooks for answers to the chemistry equations. 

" you know those are really easy to answer. " 

" hey, im talking to you. " youve ignored him, not once, not twice but three times. 

" would you please shut up? if you want to talk, whisper " glancing at lex snoring softly. 

" someones mad. " marcus looked up from whatever book he saw lying around, watching you scratch your head in confusion. 

" you know, if you need helP- ouch " marcus was met with a book that was flung into his way. another indication of you wanting him to shut up. he watched the way you looked at lex, giggling about how stupid he looks, lying on the ground breathing slowly. 

turning to your side to look at marcus, you huffed. 

“ why do act the way you are? acting so high and mighty when you are just a timid rat? “ 

“ well i did- “

“ didnt burn the orphanage down. fuckface did. “ you deadpanned.

“ ho- how did you.. “ marcus began sinking into the chair, realizing that you had figured him out which scared him. 

“ i know who fuckface is, marcus. “ you slowly advance towards him.

“ and something is telling me that he is after you.. for stealing his name.” you ran a finger against his neck, gesturing that fuckface was coming for his head. 

“ so, if i were you, id start running. “ you whispered, faces inches from his. lips close enough that if one of you were to lean in, your lips would be connected. 

marcus thought it was going to happen, everything you said flew out of his mind as he could only think of you. he would never admit it, but he was greatly attracted to you when he saw you in school. he felt something turn in his stomach, the undeniably annoying heat that he was tremendously feeling. so when you pulled away, he was caught off guard. jumping back onto your bed, you sighed happily, as if nothing ever happened between you two. 

“ i know the fucking game youre playing, ( name ) . “ marcus whispered. 

“ oh do you now ? “ you smiled softly. 

it was when marcus pushed your books away from your bed, moving towards you. once he was in the same eye length with you, he whispered, “ may i? “

it didnt have to be a verbal response, it was plenty to understand that you wanted it too. 

--

taglist :

@superpositvecloudshipper

[sounds-void-fishy]

ik i said i was gonna sleep but then fanfic and my cat nemesis screaming. anyways thinking about how ever since i was a teen ive not wanted to have kids but wanted to foster teens cause id be too scared to fuck a kid up but my set of skills has always been on track to being that of someone good at fostering teens.

and like. idk being maggot granddyke has rlly scratched that itch? especially with the idea of maggot summer camp? i am so so so full of care. being able to teach and help and support. this is all stuff i always wanted to do. this is what i was trying to do school to. and im so grateful that i get to.

i think a lot about this elderly dyke when i worked at an old folks home who toasted me when i told her how honoured i was.

i think about the kids at my high school who tomorrow afternoon are having a st patricks day party with my mom because she is one of the adult supervision and how i started that pride club nine years ago and how having a legacy at 24 is beautiful and terrifying

i think about my roommates when i moved into my current place who were like seven and ten years older than me and declared themselves my parents, at a time when i was freshly out of inpatient and floating at best

i think about the actor at sleep no more, and me crying from the beauty of the connection of queerness

i think about a friend of mine who was a youth leader at my congregation when i was in high school who i thought was nonbinary when i first met them. they didnt realise until quite a bit later. they are one of my dearest friends now

i think about the only time i went to summer camp, a week of leadership camp. it was the first place nobody knew my birth name. where i used just they/them pronouns. it was the first place i learned of the beauty of physical platonic intimacy, where we would all cuddle, or be close while playing cards or reading my immortal

i think of all of us holding hands across the years and the time and the space. in my heart and my mind there is a hangmans tree, from peter pan. the inside is all hollow and infinitely large and there is space for all those i love.

in my soul we are at summer camp and i am yearning so deeply for that to be real in whatever way i can make it

[kavehayi]

kisses on space street • NEBULAE

aventurine x gn!reader • fluff (ongoing series)

chapter summary: pretty boy aventurine has completely taken over your college campus and everyone is warning you to stay away! however, (un)lucky for you, he's got his eyes on you.

author's note: finally doing this series😭 ive been meaning to and nothing ever came to mind to get rid of my writer's block but now im delivering the first chapter☝️

August 23rd, 20XX.

first day of college. you had to try and find your way around the huge campus from the library to the food hall to the area where your actual major resided. the place was a little overwhelming and you had a bit of trouble making your way around.

however, someone came up to help you find your way around.

aventurine. the man with beautiful eyes, is talking to you, an average person. "heya, pretty, you look lost, where do ya need to go?" he cooed in that sweet, honey-like voice. you looked a little shocked he was actually talking to you of all people. guess he sensed that since he let out a lighter chuckle, "ya look shocked, you good?" he asked, now you just have to snap out of it.

you spoke up, "yeah yeah, im...uh, fine, just looking for where my professor's classroom is at" you spoke politely. you didn't wanna waste his time, especially because he definitely has better people to talk to. you showed him the classroom number and his face lit up, "hey i have to go there too! i found it earlier, follow me" he stated pretty enthusiastically. you followed him to the classroom and he opened his mouth again.

he does not know how to shut up, huh?

he spoke up, "so, pretty, you livin' on campus?" he asked. you didn't really wanna tell him this but you went ahead and did it anyways. "uhm, yeah, im living in a dorm with a roommate, don't know his name though, didn't bother looking at the sheet." you cant believe you said that. now hes gonna bother you about looking at the sheet. "oo! let me see for you, i know everyone here" he didnt even really ask to see it, he kinda just stole your papers and looked through. judging by how his face lit up.

he was your roommate.

great.

he left you alone after he lead you to class and when lunchtime came, you went to the nearby cafe to speak to your friends. seems they had some warnings for you. "hey loser! over here!" they called you over and you sat down.

"yknow guys, i met the most obnoxious guy ever today" you started off, catching your friends' attention. your friends' names are robin, a music major. brother is sort of all over the place but he's nice. robin is also a travelling musician so there's some weeks where you never see her but she keeps contact. veritas ratio, prefers being called ratio. older than you and robin and is a junior in college. you guys only met because he accidentally threw chalk at your head when you were a junior in high school minding your business in math class.

"cant be as obnoxious as aventurine, i mean, he's literally loud and pretty so he gets away with it" robin stated and you went really quiet.

"so what if i said it was aventurine?" you questioned and robin dropped her sandwich on the table and ratio, sorta didn't show a reaction. kinda just glared. "stay away from him! he locks his eyes on someone and then ruins their life from what i heard!" robin stated with a scared expression and ratio just scoffed. "all you hear is rumors, miss robin. why dont you just get to know the guy for once, hm?" he asked her with a glare her way, robin just picked up her sandwich and ate it with a pout.

"always have a way of bullying the poor girl, huh, ratio?" you asked him, in which he just grunted and sipped his tea. "anyways, aventurine, i seriously cannot escape him, he's my roommate and in my class" you stated, robin just about imploded.

"no way! good luck dealing with him, dont be too interesting around him or else he'll target you" she said with a nervous sounding voice. you guys ended up finishing our lunch and parting ways, you and ratio going back to the campus while robin had some things to do back at her studio.

the entire day passed you by and it'd already been nine at night. you started heading back to your dorm, hoping that aventurine wasnt there. yet of course, nothing you wish for, actually happens.

"pretty! you're back, how was your first day?" he cooed, he had friends over and he didnt even bother considering how you'd feel about that. "it was fine, im going to my room, dont make too much noise" you stated before walking away. aventurine didnt think you'd be this prickly.

whatever, not like it mattered.

why should you care how he feels.

too bad for you though, he's interested in you now.

[jinchuls-moved]

hi, important lil note

pseud change, jinx -> echo

you don’t have to read but there’s a not so thought out ramble of all the thoughts in my head rn under the cut. i feel like ive been tricking people and i want to explain myself

okay so, i moved blogs when i was in a very negative space. i only stayed away for about a month, i missed tumblr and i missed writing even if it took me a hot minute to feel good enough to even be semi active on here.

tumblr can fucking suck. i left because there was drama with a few people that left me a mess honestly, those people have since been blocked and i started to feel a little bit better. i also noticed a number of people breaking mutual with me, which i completely understand curate your space as you need i’ve done it a few times myself, but the amount of people that did in a short time (as far as i noticed) gave me a terrible feeling and i needed to leave. i felt unwelcome and like i had done something wrong to people i had only interacted with a few times. this was on top of a lot of stuff i had going on irl, i felt so fucking alone in every aspect on my life regardless of my friends that made it so obvious they were there for me. i hated how i was at the time, and i appreciate every single person that stuck by me.

so i made this blog for a fresh start. i thought a new pseud and a new blog would make me feel better. and it did, for a while. my friends knew and they listened to my request to change tags, not refer to me as any previous nicknames and essentially not make it too obvious it was me. although i don’t think it was entirely impossible to tell. but now i miss all those things, i miss being stupid with my friends, i miss getting to call my best friend my wife on dash, i miss getting to miss astrology aims and mother nesi nesi, i miss the mutuals i used to have that i didn’t tell about the move because i was scared they were going to think i was stupid. i miss the url i kept going back to bc i loved it (possibly the most silly reason but still ukaishin holds a special place in my heart)

and it just doesn’t feel right. everyone has been so nice to me so far and it feels wrong knowing that wasn’t how echo ended, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me then that wasn’t now? but reality is, it’s nothing. shit happens, i needed time to get over a lot of things and it took time. even quite recently i had a terrible evening because of an old mutual. as in i had a mental breakdown because they added one stupid word to an ask that made me feel pathetic for sitting there the night before crying about how much i was missing them to aims.

getting called jinx in dms throws me off, i appreciate those that knew me first as echo using the new pseud, but it never took. it was never a name i was happy with (except for the first couple weeks on this blog) and im sorry for any confusion and having to switch pseuds again. i just don’t want to move blogs, i don’t want to have a whole thing i just want tumblr to be the happy place it was for me for almost 2 years. it got me through uni, being on here with the friends i’d made, i spend my final year of school in a constant mental breakdown, crying on the phone to my mum almost everyday and it was kaze that kept me going, motivating me to get my degree. it was kaze that flew to england to meet me and attend my graduation. it was aims that was the first person to reach out to me and give me the type of friendship i needed. it was everyone in our silly delululand server that made me laugh and reminded me that no matter how shit people were there were good ones. and it’s the good that’s made me feel better. and the good that makes me want to try one more time to maintain that happy place i had 2 years ago

that got too sappy but i refuse to edit <3

[hanniluvi]

ADMIRING YOU ! — CHAPTER 24

24. confession. (written + smau)

WRITTEN PART - WC: 0.6K

it was the day. the day where you were supposed to meet niki at the cafe. you only accepted his request because you only wanted to see jungwon again…and maybe try out his pastries.

-

you greeted jungwon as you entered the cafe. you looked around the cafe and noticed how there were barely anyone besides you and him.

“no customers today?”

“ah no, its a bit weird isnt it?” he awkwardly said.

“hmmm really weird. just waiting for niki, dont mind me!”

as you sat down, you received a text message from niki.

“YNNN!! IM SO SORRY I CANT BE AT THE CAFE WITH YOU ANYMORE </3 I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!!! HAVE FUN WITH JUNGWON ;)”

you chuckle at his message and quickly responded back.

“ah niki couldnt come. its just us two then?”

“looks like it.”

you notice jungwon walk towards to you with a mochi donut and a note—as always. you smiled. this small gesture was enough to make you gush over him the whole entire day. god how can someone be this cute?

“here! i got you this since its your favorite.”

“thank you jungwon. youre the best really.”

“can i sit next to you?”

“you dont even have to ask!” you giggled “go ahead won”

as you grabbed the note, you noticed how he nervously bit his lip.

there it was, the words i like you. on the note. you didnt expect this at all. is this some sort of joke? the yang jungwon confessing his feelings to you? your crush?? you held the note in shock.

“jungwon…?” you said as you looked over to him. he turned to look at you and began speaking.

“how do i begin? lets say, ive always had a crush on you. ever since i saw you in our first years of high school, ive always found you pretty. i never gathered the courage to go up to you and say hi. you could say ive always been admiring you from afar. somehow, we both managed to become friends after that small interaction in this cafe. as i spent more time with you, my feelings continued to grow even more. all the chats, laughter, and jokes we shared was so meaningful for me. its as if you automatically brightened my life. i was quite scared to say this to you actually. but ive gathered the courage from our friends to say this. so here we are, in this cafe where it holds lots of memories for us.”

“wow jungwon..im shocked. i never knew you had feelings for me this whole time. this is a lot of information to take in-“

“yn its okay if you dont feel the same way. i just thought, you know, to let these feelings out before its too late-“

“jungwon you didnt get a reply from me yet. dont assume things too quickly, will you? won, i appreciate all the time ive spent with you. ever since you entered my life, ive started to believe in love again. to be honest, i thought i would end up being single for the rest of my life. i never thought i would be having feelings like this. i always feel bubbly around you—i cant really explain it. you make me feel so happy and no one has made me feel like this way before. no expression can explain this feeling. jungwon, i like you too.” you smiled.

you saw his eyes lit up as you finished. the both of you were smiling like crazy. this moment was so special. he held your hands and said that sentence you were waiting for.

“will you be my girlfriend?”

“of course.”

-

you never thought this day would arrive. you were finally his and he was finally yours. this was something you were waiting for. this was like a dream, or you can say a fairy tale. this was your happy ending. you could finally say he was yours.

previous | next | masterlist

A/N : I CANT BELIEVE THIS SMAU IS COMING TO AN END </3 two more chapters (5 actually if we count the special chaps) until this smau ends </3

TAGLIST [CLOSED!]

@son4taa , @ritsusakumasgf , @iamminnie , @yenavrse , @ilovewonyo , @wooniy , @4soobinonly , @captivq , @mutlishipperfangirl , @yenqa , @woncheecks , @adajoemaya , @risseei , @invusblog , @meiiiwa , @asunova , @wonioml , @jaxavance , @luvdokja , @shinsou-rii , @sukunasrealgf , @yjwonz , @yjjungwon

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

vent post, .. putting it under readmore cus its long.

sooo yeah, basically, idk waht to do with my life, and i feel like a burden in the sense that i cant provide for myself rn. i never talk about my living situation but i am almost 29 yrs old, unemployed and having to be supported by my friends cus my family is too poor to help me in any way. like i have to live with my friend’s parents which somehow feels even more pathetic than living w my own parents.. i mean ofc i am very grateful to them for helping me but the guilt racks up more n more each day. when i was 14 my mom told me, ok you’re old enough to work now so you have to get a job if you want literally anything for yourself that isn’t the bare essentials. u want anything other than canned soup for dinner? thats on u. so i got a job, at 14!!! i think back now and im like what the fuck. i was a child... but alas. i worked and worked, i was almost never unemployed my whole life after age 14, except for during 2020 pandemic, and these past few months.

work, work, work, i worked so many piece of shit jobs, i never went to school or anything, there were a few good jobs here n there but they’d always end up getting sabotaged by one of my bipolar episodes. a lot of times, when i was rly desperate, i wld resort to escorting, which i just fucking hated and have been put in a lot of compromising situations and ugh. yeah, what im GETTING at is, ive literally never had security in my life, ive never had resources, the past 15 or so years have been lived in survival mode, and 6 months ago i finally fucking crashed and burned. like, no, i fucking refuse to work anymore, im suicidal all the time, ive never been able to heal from anything that’s happend to me, i dont care if i die broke and alone, i just cant work these demeaning ass jobs anymore. im very grateful to my friedns who have been helping me not die since then, i try rly hard to live frugally, i only eat what i rly need, rarely treat myslef, etc etc.

but now its like, where do i go from here? i know i need to start thinking about generating income again and it makes me so fucking sick. all i can rly do is commissions, but i hate putting a price on art, its only fun to me when im doing it for free. i dont want it to stop being fun. i dont want it to be about money. im scared to try i guess. i definitely dont want to work another stupid job but i also just sit in the house all day and it feels unhealthy. i dont want to meet people, i dont want coworkers, hate putting myself out there cus i cant relate to anyone. hate watching them in real time slowly realize that theres something seriously wrong with me, its embarrassing. i just need something to do.. i dont have a car or anything, i dont even know how to drive because i always figured id be too poor to afford a car. and so far ive been correct about that.

i guess this post is pretty embarrassing too but oh well.. i figure at least on here some ppl can relate.. like fuck i cant even get a therapist to respond to me. everyone just keeps begging me to get therapy as if it will save me. im really lonely w all my feelings and memories. i feel like im in purgatory and all i can do is keep drawing pictures for ppl to enjoy and trying to post things that are uplifting so i can at least make someone elses day a little brighter. but i wish i had a plan or an answer or a real goal. i reallty really really want to be nothing.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i only noticed last week that i start shaking at the thought of having to talk to others

i always knew my social anxiety was bad. but i only started to notice in recent years ((especially after shutdowns in 2020)) that i almost cant talk to people - literally anyone - at all

it wasnt so bad when i was little. i could kind of socialize with kids my age. id mostly be the one to engage first because i wanted to make friends. sometimes i did it with no problems. other times i was pretty anxious when doing so. i worried a lot how others would think of me and what they would say to me or others. but i was mostly by myself and preferred it that way, even if i did get lonely at times. and if other kids engaged with me, i became very anxious and quiet, and would say very little. there was a kid at a park i went to several years ago in colorado and he came up to talk to me while i was on the swing. i felt bad because i wanted to talk, but i was pretty anxious most of the conversation. i only started to open up more near the end before he had to go

i actually had a much easier time talking to teachers throughout preschool (and daycare) up to some point in high school than talking to any of my peers

i know i always had trouble ordering food at places. i always became too nervous and was almost never loud enough for them to hear me. i shut down easily when i have to repeat myself (something im trying to work on) so relatives had to order for me. my stepdad was really understanding throughout my childhood and would always help me order when we would go to subway. family here is much less inclined to help and doesn't like it at all when i lock up when i have to order. it annoys them, and ive been told repeatedly to speak up and to get over my fear

the last place we went to, i almost immediately whipped out my phone to type out my order after i was initially responded with "what?" because she couldn't hear me, but my family was there and i know they would've gotten upset. pissed, probably. likely wouldve had my phone snatched from me. i always try to speak up so they can hear me and i have to just say what i want without thinking about it to avoid clamming up. but i still am shaking and my face turns red because of embarrassment

especially since shutdowns though, talking to people feels impossible. i dont talk to anyone except friends, but even then we run out of things to say and we sit there in silence. school makes you socialize with others a lot, but id almost never speak unless it was a requirement and the teacher would know when someone wasn't speaking, or if i felt too pressured to speak. most times i would either observe or dissociate. ive only gone out twice to shop for myself since shutdowns; one of the times i stuttered extremely bad and came very close to crying out of embarrassment right there at checkout, the other i could barely bring myself to talk and managed to only get half of a "thank you" out (it sounded like an annoyed mumble when i wasnt annoyed at all. i still feel bad about that)

ive turned around from any place that i start to go to, like food places, because im too anxious to go in and especially terrified out of my mind to make an order. im glad my sibling has become more understanding, they've been asking what i want and then ordering it for me while i pay (i feel bad to be very honest). its with my sibling that i have more confidence, but im still too scared to say anything

and this anxiety is carrying over to how i interact with people on social media! i used to not be so afraid to talk to people. but in the past bit over a year replying to any responses i get has become daunting. ive had to stop talking to friends for several days because im busy or mental health shit, but coming back and sending them anything back immediately feels scary, even if i know them well and they know me well. and i end up making the last time we talked extend to several more days. sometimes weeks... sometimes...months. im not trying to ghost people. and i do not like that sending a message back to anyone makes me shake uncontrollably and sweat like i just ran a 10k at full speed without stopping (idfk)

its bothering me lots especially now in college. social interaction is required for certain assignments and participation. but all i can do is sit there, shaking, heart pounding, unable to talk to anybody. we are all adults there, so we are expected to act as such. my extreme social anxiety doesn't fly there and ill likely be told one day that im acting like a child or i need to get used to talking to people or something to that effect

idk how to end this off

[dianaraven]

ok your turn, tell me all about your ocs👀

Sorry this took two weeks to respond to, school makes me work on my own time:

BOY OH BOY IM SO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT MY OCS

So right now I have two main series that I'm working on, and one manuscript for a different series that is finished and going through editing.

Two main series are called Makings of Magic--previously the "Alexis" series--and Crystal Kingdom. The manuscript I have finished is the first book in my Save the Princess (STP) duology. It was my nano project for 2020 (and I won nano!! which was nice). Most of these have tags: tmom or the makings of magic and stp1 or stp, idr if ive posted much about ck before

The Makings of Magic

This is a whole ass world, nine book + companions series that I've been working on since I was 10. I could literally be here all day explaining who all the characters are, but I'll just go for the main gang and a summary:

Summary: Fantasy minor professional jock Alic gets kidnapped by baddies because they think she has a secret magic that they want to use their evil ways to un-secret. She does not have any of this magic. She ends up being the center of a secret-magic conspiracy and eventually is freed and decides to go after the people who kidnapped her, with another guy they kidnapped, and accidentally creates an international incident and starts a war while the conspiracy-nuts continue to try and prove that they're right by attacking people Alic knows.

Alic:

Alic is the mc of the series. She's very silly, and very brave. She's one of those people who will do anything on a dare. You cannot scare you, you cannot phase her, you cannot make her uncomfortable. She never lies because she doesn't see the point of it. She isn't afraid of anything. Light of my life. Not very smart <3

Gray:

Gray is the local prince, and Alic's best friend. They're basically QPR partners. He spends most of his time changing his personality so that people will like him (and thereby listen to him) but really he's very petty and a little neurotic and when combined with Alic willing to do very dumb things, because with Alic, Gray doesn't have to pretend to be put-together, and they love each other a lot and get into loads of trouble <3

commission from @/lovermyme (alic is right, Gray is left)

Topaz:

Topaz is the manager of Alic's fantasy jock team. He's very suspicious of other people, and very good at spying on others. Alic (and by extension, Gray) decide he is their friend and he gets dragged into their crazy adventures. He leaves for three chapters in book three and they accidentally commit war crimes.

Jacian:

Jacian is a prince and scholar of magic from a nearby kingdom and he is blackmailed into helping the conspiracy-nuts essentially torture Alic until they figure out what magic she has. He and his gang of do-gooders end up freeing Alic, but in the process the conspiracy-nuts kill his father and give Jacian memory loss and brain damage and he sets out to try and figure out what he has forgotten: which is who killed his father and who the Big Bad is. This is a majority of the plot in books three and four as well as his side companion book. He's kinda wishy washy and nerdy which Alic thinks is cute.

Crystal Kingdom

Summary: This is my Princess and the Pea retelling. I'm not going to go too much into the plot here because hehe i like it being a surprise.

Zira: Zira is a paranoid, neurotic prince of a city-state that is constantly under attack (hence the paranoia and neurosis). He's also mean and bitchy and very petty, and doesn't trust Leihari, the supposed nearby Princess who supposedly lost her family and her country after a usurper supposedly kicked her family out. What sucks is that he may also be falling in love with her.

Leihari: Leihari is (supposedly) a princess from a far away city-state who has lost her crown and is staying with Zira and his family. In return for their kindness, she is helping them out with matters of state and other things a princess is supposed to do. She's kind, and a little sad, but trying to make the best of her new situation. It would be much easier of the prince stopped being mean to her. What's really frustrating is that he's wonderful to everyone else--it's just that he's paranoid. But seeing what he is like when he is nice to others makes her yearn to earn his trust, and maybe she starts falling in love with him too. Supposedly. But in the meantime, she isn't going to take any of his shit.

STP

Summary: My nano baby! This is a Princess and the Pauper retelling with dragons!! It's very exciting and i love it a lot :) Takes place in a historical alternate universe (with dragons) in about 500 BCE, in Ancient Israel because I'm Jewish and I thought why the hell not.

Adina: The Princess. Adina was meant to be married off to the highest bidder as any good princess of the time will, until her older brother was killed and she became next in line to the throne. Realizing that she knew nothing about her own people--after all, she's been expecting to be married off--she decides to switch places with someone who looks exactly like her. And everything is fine until the dragons attack.

Adina is quiet and generally second-best, and scared of the unknown and not meant for adventure, but she has a responsibility to go after the dragon that attacked her people, so off she goes. She's even shocked herself by how brave she's trying to be.

Dekeli: The Extortionist. A cloth merchant who works for dragons and was doing fine until everyone in the known world came out trying to kill a bunch of them. Now he has to get his latest job finished, and the easiest way for him to do that is by extorting Adina's secrets. Ironically, he's the person she can trust the most. Probably.

He's snarky and rude and very good at what he does. Adventure finds him, and he goes with a flair and a quip. It gets on Adina's nerves.

Mara: The Pauper. She's meek and smart and that's all Adina needs from her, so that's good. Right? Nothing more needs to be said, right? She has no ulterior motives--why would she?... right?

[roseriot2191]

Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

hi rachel, ive been inconsistently writing since i was 12 and during the pandemic i started writing again and loved it, niow im geting a BA in creative writing and since ive been in college i dont want to write. im scared it isnt something i truly enjoy anymore. I like what i'm learning but trying to apply it makes me very overwhelmed. its like its too much for me :( any advice? have you experienced this before?

Hi friend! My first and largest piece of advice (super emphasized) is to talk to a trusted adult in your life and ALSO an academic advisor. I want to make that abundantly clear because I don't personally know you and don't want anything I say to steer you in a certain direction!

I completely get this and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! This happened to me a bit and I know it's happened to a LOTTTT of people. The best things I did to help: bring pre-written work into class (ask before you do this to make sure it's okay), prep work for class (also ask before doing this), work on my own perfectionism/fear of failure, and write a personal side project where I could let loose and have fun (that was Moth Work & Feeding Habits for years 1-2 & Seventh Virtue for the last 1.5 years of my degree).

I don't think I would've survived my degree if I didn't have most of my work pre-written before workshop (I ALWAYS asked before doing this--some schools might have policies etc so I asked to be on the safe side). I think I only drafted 5 brand new stories for my degree (out of the 12). 1 was an adaptation from a Seventh Virtue chapter, so I had to write a LOT of new stuff but had a direction, 1 I had written 6 months in advance specifically for that workshop, 1 was written on a whim, and the last 2 I had to draft for the class since we weren't allowed to use pre-established material. Everything else I had written on my own personal time. This helped ease my own anxiety, so if it's possible, check in with your prof to see if you can do this!

A final note: you absolutely don't need to apply everything you learn into a story for class. Just write the best story you can write in that moment! If you can, try to set aside what you've been taught to be "the correct way" especially in a first draft. Getting wrapped up in how people would perceive my craft made workshopping so anxiety inducing. It's okay to be imperfect! Everyone is there to learn!

As for your fear of enjoyment: I know this too well. :( In Nov 2021 I considered quitting writing altogether, I just didn't care anymore (that was after SEVEN years of consistently writing!). Seventh Virtue is what yanked me out of that! Having a story I could just mess around with after class (sometimes... during class... many... times...) REALLY helped. I may or may not have written a good chunk of Moth Work in a sociology class (I'M NOT RECOMMENDING THIS). What I'm saying is make time for your OWN writing (outside of school).

Sometimes it takes a little time and adjustment--it's absolutely normal! Many of my classmates felt like this too! You're not alone!

[vincentvalenfine]

For the writer question, all evens go

aw fuck here we go

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen

listen I wrote fic on paper back in summer camp 10+ years ago and while I can do it, im gonna fuckin complain about it (and install talk to text)

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

hmm.... rage. when it's used in the right moment, the depths of anger it relays, the emotion of such tremendous anger is really powerful to me tbh

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

that my work is always far worse than I think it is and people are merely pitying me when they say its good

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

I could do either honestly but I think I'll pick no dialogue, using only action to tell a story is fun!

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

uhhhh idk that i'm necessarily haunted by any writing?? i would consider haunting to be like... a mix of nostalgia and regret, maybe yearning too. can't think of anything that really hits that feeling for me writing-wise

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

i would wish for... ability to focus on writing a novel, ability to edit that novel, and ability to get it published

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

I never lent books to ppl cause I was always the one borrowing them LOL

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

I don't even remember all the weird shit ive used tbh, i wish i could!!! my hand is a fave tho, have used plasticware spoons/forks... receipts are a classic

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

“Doctor Zeigler is just trying to keep everyone healthy, Huntress. No one here considers you incapable, so please don't feel offended when help is offered. We are a team, after all.”

Team is straining it a little; still, Huntress has to admit there are a few moments still clear in her mind when teamwork had flown smoothly, though. She just doesn’t want to admit to needing any help. Isn’t she the one with the fancy cloak and the fancy rifle, the one who’s been helping out? Her problems should be her own, along with everything else she’s brought with her.

She still hasn’t moved when Genji sighs a little, and surprisingly reaches up his hands near the back of his head. The soft hiss of compressed air being released startles her - she hadn’t even realized the faceplate could be removed, and she finds herself holding her breath for a moment as he takes it off, eyes widening a fraction when she sees the scarred skin come into view, his angular eyes somehow far sharper than the bright green of his visor. Uncomfortably, she’s reminded of how Hanzo had watched her. Brothers, indeed. The metal that frames his face makes the sight disconcerting as she continues to stare until finally averting her gaze, mumbling a tiny apology.

“It is not shameful to accept help when it is offered to you, though I can see you do not feel the same about this. I have needed much help in my life, and while I might have once felt resentful of it like you do, I have learned much since then, and I hope you can come to the same realization that I did. So please, eat. It will make you feel better.”

this is from my overwatch fic about my girl huntress and I always did have a scene in mind where she sees genji's face for the first time. tying it in with her trouble accepting help and eating properly made it feel impactful to me, with genji extending some vulnerability to show her that it's okay to be vulnerable and need help. it's a good scene ur honor

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

love. writing never needs to be perfect to have an impact anyway and getting published is overrated

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

google docs, i just name things pretty straightforwardly so I know what it is (like "Hanzo fic" or "X worldbuilding")

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

no prep we research mid-paragraph like fools

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

if it's a canon character I'll go through anything that features them, read their dialogues, lore, etc to help me get as much into their mindset as possible, I like being able to imagine any dialogue ive written in their voice so it checks out. there are some characters that are really Intense to get into honestly, I have to make sure it doesn't affect my own mental health to dive into that mindset, esp with characters that are depressed since I have that issue myself and it can push me in bad directions if I get too attached.

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

I find Genji Shimada it be very delightful to write for, he has a very wholesome mindset about himself that gives me a good boost of mental wellness like "he can be so kind to himself.... maybe I can be kind to myself too" and it makes me feel good!! also he's so fucking funny tbh

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

I don't recall ever writing in my dreams, but i have definitely taken inspiration from my dreams before! ive gotten characters, plots, some worldbuilding, it's not a constant deluge but sometimes my subconscious just cooks up some real fun, unique ideas

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

I don't have one really tbh... adhd brain forget shit lmao

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

so fucking necessary!!!!!!!

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

im adhd babey i know So Many Thing

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

uhhhhhh being able to somewhat mimic the accent of whatever character I'm writing helps me with believable dialogue? does this count?

40.Please share a poem with me, I need it.

Cat mews at my door/Asking for breakfast early/It's seven am 🙄

[mordeiswrld]

“Im drained...im unmotivated...im tired...im done. So many hurtful things have been said to me by the ones who were supposed to care for me...i still rememeber it, and some of it still goes on. Why do I remember the things that hurt me...?”

“Wear some makeup maybe that’ll make it better” -because i wouldnt smile for a picture i didnt wanna be in

“She’s a grown woman she knows what she’s doing”- my great grabdmother & mom when i got mad about my siblings (1-2 and 6-7 years old) being out without me and with my grandma who hasnt had a baby in over a decade

“You need to stop dressing that way”- my great grandma when i showed up to my her house in an oversized sweater

“Your too young”- my mom when i told her i wanted a binder and that i was a boy at 11-12 years old

“ive always wanted a boy”- my mom. Then she got what she wanted and started being ‘better’ as if she couldn’t do that with her 1st 2 kids

“Yeah mhm, or girl what?😒”-my mom, dismissing me whenever i try to tell her something im happy about

“You need to start talking to your grandparents”- my mom everytime i ask her for something, now im scared to ask since everything i ask for is “too much” even though she buys herself stuff everyday

“Ill talk to him”- my mom whenever me and my dad get into our fights...it never gets better and she never talks to him and always takes his side

“Shut the fuck up”- my dad whenever i try to explain something to him even if it’s not that serious(its never that serious)

“Stop being selfish”- my dad whenever i say no to my siblings using my stuff that is strictly MINE and that i dont have to share if i dont want to

“Watch your brother” my dad almost all the time everyday and they’ll just be lying around doing nothing with the excuse of ‘i work i need a break’ you dont need a break all damn week while i have to go to school and handle your wild 3 year old while your in your mid 30s

“Sounds like a personal problem” my mom whenever i tell her that I genuinely can't handle my siblings and am on the verge of snapping (violently)

“Maybe if you had a bedtime then yknow...i dont wanna have to say it”- my mom around her friend talking about my low grade in a class and thinking its bc of electronics when in reality my mental health is in hell and ive been crying more than usual and i dont have the motivation to keep pushing on anymore, but she thinks im up at 12:30 bc of a phone...

“Congratulations”- my mom when i show her my all As. But won’t be as nice and be a bit irritated that i got a low C in something she knows I struggle in

“I'm so proud of you”- my dad hugging me for the straight As. He doesnt hug me ever and he never says those words to me. Not even when its a minor accomplishment

“Has your father ever told you he loves you?” my mom years ago in a random parking lot that got me realizing last week that he never says he loves me willingly, he has to be forced

“I'm obligated to be there” my grandfather after getting married and never calling us to see how we are

“Your ___ eye is bigger than your ___” my friend. I always liked my eyes growing up...not anymore

“She ugly as hell” my 9th grade classmate he just says it whenever he can. I dont even have to be talking to him

It’s getting worse day by day...nothing i do is enough...im tired..

admin zjay

[b0nywh0res]

hi!! so since im not active 24/7 anymore i feel like u missed a lot so little update!!

i lost most of my friends. ive had so many depressive episodes and then weird episodes where i would hate them and want them to die. so ig it makes sense but also they know that i have these episodes but wtv not everyone can handle that and i respect that. they didnt have to be such bitches abt it tho. i got them muffins as apology bc i rlly cant control those episodes and they fucking rolled their eyes at me. girl. ur acting as if ur not fucking toxic urself. at least own it omg.

L and i got sooo close irl. shes been way more touchy w me which i rlly appreciate bc its so comforting and makes me feel so much more loved than just words.

and uhm. today was the worst day of my life. i had a panic attack during english class so i left and decided to skip the next period which is allowed if ur in a bad mental state. i told a teacher and he was like okay fine but for some reason the secretary still called my mom? she was so mad bc she doesnt believe in mental illnesses and all that yk so i was too scared to go home. i told my homeroom teacher and she said that there was obv a bigger underlying issue that was causing this. i basically started sobbing and she was so kind to me and hugged me. she even started crying w me oml.

she said that one of the teachers saw me looking at pro-ana sites in class(probably tumblr i hate yall LMAO) and they told her. she wouldnt tell me who it was. if i find out who snitched i will hshdhsjdh. i fr cant let anyone know abt my ed but god i was so close to telling her everything.

she said that i dont have any adults in my life who i can rely on and that i carry way too much for a teenager. shes getting me a school therapists and tbh i dont think itll help much bc ive had a few before but shes so nice to me so ill try. idk if im ready to talk abt my ed yet but i def want to do smth abt my mood swings and everything that comes w it. its so tiring.

she couldnt rlly do anything abt my moms anger so she told me that it was just one day and that i could get through it and i would speak w her again tmr. heating her say that was a real relief ngl. my mom hasnt ever been this mad(except for that one time 3 years ago when she wouldnt allow me anywhere but the attic for 3 weeks) and its rlly scary. home situation isnt great and school isnt either but god id do anything to be at school rn.

all in all life still sucks, i love L and now im starting school therapy. woohoo.

[sucktacular]

spilling my thoughts out about, oh, i might not just be anxious and burnt out from school! i might be burnt out as shit from masking my whole life. :) (new revelation to me)

so i learned something really juicy about myself with my therapist that im still kinda processing and dont really know how to move forward with it at all but its a realization that may help me with my agoraphobia healing????

SO YOU KNOW HOW IVE BEEN LIKE. Im so anxious im so scared of going outside cuz what if ppl judge me or are mean to me or whatever what if i cant fit in what if i look weird what if im targeted what if what if what if

so ive been going on for the past like... since march 2020 at minimum being like "im such an anxious mess i wish i coudl get my anxiety in check" and im sure thats a lot of it but ALSO

uhm... I used the word masking (i dont use it often cuz idk if it fits me and i also acknowledge its generally language used by autistic folk but also realizing now that maybe its something most neurodivergent folk can use? - plz dont get angry at me please if i use wrong words btw i'm uneducated and still teaching myself ; - ; but also clearly this makes sense for me also - and my therapist was basically like "okay, so, before we go forward, do you think that masking has anything to do with your agoraphobia?" as a point of asking me to think it over before we keep talking about it and for me to really personally think about it and digest it and... wow?? folks i think ive been masking so hard I burnt myself out?? which doing google research briefly i realize is definitely a thing (masking burn out) and i fucking

i cant believe ive been like "im burnt out because school is hard and im anxious all the time cuz im scared of ppl and thats it" when like yes thats fair and probably doesnt help but ALSO- WOAH MAYBE IM BURNT OUT BECAUSE EVEN TO OPEN MY FRONT DOOR TO GET MAIL IM ALWAYS LIKE OGH I GOTTA LOOK OKAY I GOTTA LOOK "NORMAL" I GOTTA GET READY I GOTTA PREP I GOTTA SWITCH ON THE NORMAL ME

if someone is delivering something i have to dress and brush my hair and preen and look in the mirror and take a mmoment to set myself up let alone if i go out into public spaces.

and we were talking and they asked what masking does for and to me, like whats the good whats the bad and like ive always known i wear myself out trying to be around ppl and public but i just chocked it up to being introverted. which is still a valid thing but thats maybe not... everything....

and i thought about it for a moment quietly and started getting a little choked up and was like, well masking makes me feel safe and makes me feel in control and right and like no one will pick me out to bother me or whatever. but then i started getting teary eyed and crying cuz.

i hate it. i HATE masking i HATE having to sit myself up right and preening myself til i have a head ache and i hate sitting on buses and the entire time being a whole experience where im just "dont look out that window its too close to that person theyll think youre looking at them and dont sloutch or youll look weird and dont move too much youll look weird and dont firdget youll look suspicious and dont look around youll look suspicious and definitely dont look at anyone or smile or wave and dont do anything just look out your window or your phone. NOTHIGN ELSE" and like... hm maybe thats not normal!!!??? I come home and im so tired im so tired and my clothes hurt me and my body hurts and im tense and im so burnt out emotionally and physically i avoid hanging out with friends because i feel like i have to act a certain way anyway when they know me and we both know theres no expectation for me to mask myself?? but i dont know how to turn it off at all.

its reminds me of finally learning to be okay with my hair. with not preening the fuck out of it before i go anywhere. that my natural dried hair is okay and good even. i rmember being in elementary school and i straightened my hair everyday because i have wavy hair and would brush it a lot and didnt know how to take care of it so it'd be a puffy long mess so the only way i knew how to fix that was the straighten it- and i remember one weekday night my straightener died and i was in HYSTERICS!!! I was crying!!! and begging!!! my mom for us to go to walmart to go get a new one. I literally felt like if I had to go to school the next day without my hair done that i would DIE!!!! something HORRIBLE would happen i wouldnt be normal enough and it would be the end for me or whatever. it freaked me out so SEVERELY. and like... i just chocked that up to anxiety and bullying, which yes it absolutely was. but maybe also... masking?? doing my little preening and things to make myself look less like a "weird kid" like less of a target

and like when i was a kid i always wanted to dress emo. i wanted the finger less gloves and i wanted the shaggy dark hair and i wanted the detailed outfits and the boots and the converse and the everything but i was SO SCARED to be seen as weird or out of place or give kids one more reason to bully me. and i remember being in high school like 9th grade and wearing striped fingerless gloves to school and i was so happy about them and at my locker some kids in my grade were lurking around behind me and loudly said something making fun of my gloves but not @ me just in general but it was 100% @ me even if i wasnt looking or involved. and i took them off... and i never wore them outside again... and then i sold them and got rid of them...

but like it took me so long to get to the point of like i care so much what ppl think but i also want to be what i want to look like and getting my hair cut SHORT and THEN dying it black and feeling like myself? i was so so scared out of my mind going in the next day but.... i also loved it?

and its just so fucked because i do all this shit to pretend to be normal and fine and safe and a trusting gentle person and I am, i am, its not a lie at all, but i make so much effort to make sure its a seeable attribute that like- helllooo??? IM ALT!!! IM GAY!! IM VISIBLY QUEER AND DRESS WEIRD!!! but im scared of being seen as weird?? what the fuck bro

and i know thats also internalized mental health stuff absolutely. even just saying "normal" and "weird" is very... yucky but i dont really know how else to describe it. but i see myself saying that and doing that and know its anti-mental health and anti-neurodivergence to feed into that within myself and externally

anyway just... damn man, im burnt out from masking all the damn time all my life and im just so tired of it to the point its easier to stay inside its easier to not take public transit its easier to get groceries delivered its easier to never go for a walk on my own its easier to do x y z but im deeply deeply unhappy

i think independence is so important to me, to be able to do what i want and where i want and do it ON MY OWN!!! i HATE relying on people i hate it so much. its not even so much the ego its just the feeling like i need to repay people for their kindness and money or gifts. and unless its specifically and perfectly said to not leave any doubts in my mind- im always going to feel like i need to repay them or that im a mooch and a bad person for accepting offers when i know i cant give them back?

just... fuck me man. and like my therapist brought up the fact i live with "strangers" and questioned how that effects me and like i cant remember where the end of that question or suggestion went but its true. i live with ppl i dont know too much past being nice people that dont seem to judge me or will allow me to have space without trying to talk me up or intrude on my personal space/personal time. but like....... yeah i couldnt begin to imagine what thats also doing to me.

thankfully ive gotten a lot better about living with strangers (ive been renting rooms in houses with other random tenants for the past ... 5 or so years?- this is the first place that wasnt student housing) but like man the gymnastics ive had to do to get comfortable just leaving my room to go to the bathroom let alone all the way down to the kitchen in the PvP zone. yeesh but yeah thankfully roomies now are super cool and super chill and will talk about problems without being passive aggressive or mean or confusing about it. ; w ;

anyway im rambling as fuck but uhm... yeah im burnt the fuck out and literally so tired all the time and anxious all the time and its probably got a lot to do with me internalizing what it means to be different, what it means to be queer and neurodiverse and what it means to my body and mind to try and pretend and switch on the "im normal and im safe and im a safe person to be around and im a nice person and im not a threat and im just minding my buisness" act that ive been switching on since i was old enough to be anxious about going to the front of the store without my parents to put a coin in the candy machine and trying to not freak out about the fact i COULD "look like im shop lifting or that i dont belong " even though ive never been in trouble for that when i was a kid and i never shoplifted as a kid and i was just doing what any kid would do????

so who else drinking the fucked up juice that makes you fucked up?

[dojunie]

as a writer myself too, i definitely get the frustration of writer's block. ur better than me tho could never write fiction this good. if it's a script maybe i can stumble my way towards it but like- prose, prose??? scary stuff HAHAHHA. i'm wayyy more used to writing features, editorial and stuff like that so writing creatively paralyzes me fr probs should get over it HAHAHHA

speaking of writing tho, recently got my first ever job (full time over the summer and part time when i get back to school!) helping this creator write content for a website she's launching and probs gonna be helping her with her podcast too hehe (i'm also more of a broadcast person too over like publication writing so that's gonna be fun). so life's been reallyyyy busy. like i started preparing for freelance work since may and after like- 11 applications so glad i finally got a job but damn being paid to do something is a whole different kind of pressure. doing my best but sometimes i'm scared it won't be good enough and i'll just get fired HAHAHAH the days are starting to get blurry too bc i've kinda just been cooped up at home. anddd been trying to ✨adult✨ too by getting my driver's license, tax number, social security and all that but ghad with a job? idt i'll have the time to fix all that anymore. and i'm hoping to take the topik too so :">

times like this are when im rlly glad i got dream. like they rlly just give me that energy boost HAHAHAH (AND WITH THE NEW COMEBACK SOON??? AHHHH) r they like that for u too? i swear this is the first time i've wanted to get a tattoo for an artist like woah

oh and SPEAKING OF i was in the manila concert day 1 all the way in the farthest section. actually got really determined to work bc of that experience bc i am determined to go both days vip the next time they're in manila HAHAHHA. happy to say i'll most likely earn enough to do that by next month hehe. gonna treat myself for the hard work by getting mark's bubble HAHAHHA

haven't gotten to reading the new renjun fic updates (unless my eyes are deceiving me and i read that wrong & there r not updates) but! i'm rlly looking forward to it. hoping both of us have enough writing juices to finish up the things we're working on HAHAHHA. and i hope you're doing well with school or work or whatever your doing too! and when things get tough hope u have a support system there for ya :>

anywayy i'll go skidaddle now HAHHAHA worked 8hrs today so 💀 byee

(p.s. by any chance do u have any plans of writing any series for mark? would KILL to have ur writing bring his character to life if not that's SUPERRRR chill too frfr jus curious hehe)

frm the biggest phatest markf,

-covid anon 🤒 HAHAHAH

you calling my 'ripping my hair out slamming words into the keyboard at 1am' writing prose is such a huge compliment my dear covid anon, you have no idea. never in my life have i considered anything ive written to be like... serious... because i just enjoy writing about a bunch of singin dancin boys, but. i do put an obscene (and embarrassing) amount of care and work and thought into this little fanfiction thing and i just. thank you? blowing kisses all the way to your timezone

anddd been trying to ✨adult✨ too by getting my driver's license, tax number, social security and all that but ghad with a job? idt i'll have the time to fix all that anymore. and i'm hoping to take the topik too so :">

GODDAMN! you have your plate full, but frankly those are all really, really good and important and STRONG steps towards adulting!! you're further than me, i dont have my license yet (haven't even started, rahh, uber is my best friend) but whenever i come on here i think of you, covid anon, so hearing this makes me feel like an irl just told me they accomplished something big LOL i'm actually so happy for you. these are big steps. AND THE NEW CB IS ALREADY FUCKING ME UP! IDGAF RENJUN IN THAT LITTLE PAPERBOY CAP, LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE I'M UNWELL!!!!!! today the second theme dropped (idk if you'll see this on the same day as i send it) with the energy drinks and such, and the fuckig... neon concept...!!!!!!!! i wanted to get a tattoo for my bts era like a 7 or something like that on a very tiny part of my body but then i remembered how i genuinely thought i would be a 5sos fan forever and i was like 'lets hold off on that very, very permanent decision lmfao'

AND TO ANSWER YOUR MARK QUESTION! you messaging me this actually did make me go through all of my potential wips (all.... very very many of them) and one that i found for mark that i'm actually still very interested in is an exchange student concept! little plot: mc is a part of a university exchange student program, and with that comes staying with a host family; the uni that mc is from does it in a raffle/blind matching style where you get put with a family who's profile matches with yours best, and mc gets.... the lee family! with eldest brother and vaguely famous rockstar taeyong, awkward and endearing middle child mark lee, and the night and day '00 twins'; sunshine incarnate lee donghyuck, and 'doesn't speak unless spoken to' lee jeno!!! it takes place over six months in the summer to autumn season, the first semester; and love blooms in the damndest places!

if this sounds like something you'd like, maybe i could fandangle this for my next wip...? winky face

anyway i love you lots covid anon, i hope your adulting goes on without a hitch!!!! until you message again <3