#ive cut off a friend because i dont like how they treat me and our other friends and i have a lot of mixed emotions about it

[soft-bugs]

!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

okay, so ive got a weird one

WIBTA for basically anonymously harassing someone who was into me?

i (15x) stopped being friends with these two people, who i will call grape (19x) and celery (17m) around half a year ago. celery cheated on my best friend mango (17x) with grape for apparently the whole time they were dating. celery is polyam, but never said anything about him and grape. i know he had to have been going behind mangos back, because ive had conversations with him about not telling one of your partners about another partner being cheating (this was a conversation initiated by him. he literally agreed.)

now. i knew celery vaguely in middle school, and our relationship was strictly platonic, established on both sides. he said i was too young for him, and mango also took that stance. this is where it gets a little weird.

i met grape when i was 13. they were 17. theyre just a year ahead of me in school, but they failed a grade and i skipped one. its basically the same gap between a freshman and a senior.

around may of this year, before school ended, they confessed that theyd been into me for a very long time. i asked how long, and they couldn’t even count. the whole thing threw me off. we had a lot of casual intimacy before this (being really, really close to each other; they laid their head on my lap a few times) and i never thought different of it because 1. our whole little group was autistic and me, celery, and grape were all very casual with touch and 2. im aro and grape admitted to being arospec, which made me more comfortable around them because i was sure they understood!

grapes mom had even approached me about this at an event once, saying i was far too young for them and giving the implication that i was into grape. i dismissed this very quickly.

after the celery/mango incident, mango & i were still friends with grape despite them also hanging out with celery. shortly after the grape incident, i cut complete contact with grape and mango basically did as well.

none of this is what im wondering if im the asshole about. i dont care too much.

what i think i could be the asshole about is sending an anonymous drug search to grapes house. i know theres definitely a bunch there and i cant call them on the other illegal shit like being into minors, so im sure i could get them back another way. think of it as a treat. besides, it doubles as payback for celery cheating on mango, because grape and celery are still disgustingly close emotionally and physically and i dont want celery to think that just because he butts into my conversations with other people that we’re ever anywhere close to being friends again. wibta?

What are these acronyms?

[eulchu]

and it's so fucking crazy that some of you treat blogs as if we're ccs. we're held to insanely high standards and if you don't like what you see or if you think we're wrong some of you harass us for days and threaten us to come to our house to do awful fucking things to us. we're just fucking fans none of us want the attention. we just want to be part of a stupid fucking community.

i asked people to dial down the hate and the bait and every single time i don't post flowers and happiness it gets thrown back on my face because "and you were crying for people to stop being so negative🤓". that post came from a moment of horrible tension in the fandom where i was seeing my friends genuinely suffer over this. when people were getting awful horrible things about the dteam. now i can't even hold a light and meme-y conversation about things that piss me off (yes!!im human!! people piss me off all the fucking time)

we started a stupid camp server from the bottom of our fucking hearts because we truly see the good in the fandom. because we wanted to build a place where people would interact with the content and each other in a positive light. because we truly believed it was doable, we've seen the love in this fandom countless of times. the very first day that server launched there were already people rooting for it to fail.

i suggest a second book, for the dteam this time, because i know it wouldn't hurt the dteam to hear some nice things. because the first one was so meaninful to dream. because i know a lot of people were so fucking happy that they got confirmation that their words matter, and i wanted that to happen again. and my friend gets asks about how i shouldn't be in it when i promote SA threats.

do any of you have any idea how awful it fucking feels to have everything i do get thrown in my face every time i do something one of you doesn't like. do you think it's fucking fair at all. because i don't.

im a meme and an overreacter and a stupid fucking bitch sometimes but holy shit every time ive messed up with someone ive fixed it. i dont deserve to be picked apart like this. every single project ive ever participated in every single word of encouragement and positivity i have meant it one hundred percent. every single time the conversation has turned from fun to dooming ive cut it straight up. every single time there's been mass panic ive tried to keep it clean and be reasonable about it - i already have enough anxiety for all of us, i don't need more people to have a rough time.

and what i get in exchange? genuine horrors. if you think you're better than me by sending me asks and wanting to hurt my feelings,i have news for you. you're a horrible fucking person. cope

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

[TW: Manipulation, Bullying(?), Light Mentions of Physical Abuse, and possibly more, i genuinely dont know how to tw this sorry]

Hi, call me Shadow. Im looking for some advice on how to move on from the situation below, some reassurance, or atleast someone to listen to me without judgment. Sorry for any grammer/spelling mistakes

They're alot of parentheses, extra notes, and run on sentences so apologizes for length

About 6ish month ago, i cut off a very toxic friend. Said friend, lets call them A, would offen make fun of and tease everyone in our friend group 'to show love' and such. Which is fine, some people are okay with that but personally im not as ive dealt with many toxic friends who've hurt me by using that as a cover up.

A was an irl friend of three people in our group's server that was invited on really late, i was pretty guarded and afraid around them for awhile, both because of a new person and because i had a feeling some was off with them. I ignored it, thinking i was just being overprotective and overthinking things again. After a few months things settled and it seem they fit in almost perfectly, till suddenly their jokes started getting really targeted and mean.

They started targeted me and one of my partners, constantly making cruel 'jokes' about us, everything from "if you're on [name]/[name]'s team [insert bad thing] will happen to you" to jokes that were just insults played off as jokes. I tried multiple times to ask them to stop but they played the "its just a joke" everytime

It got the point they started holding my reactions over me, and even purposely making me upset to have something to use against me. The main incident i remember is them pretending to be mad at me while i was rambling and spent atleast 10mins pretending to type to make me anxious (they later admitted this to one of my friends who then told me), and when they finally sent their message which ended up being a joke related to what i was rambling, i in my moment of vulnerability due to rambling (rambling for me is like exposing my soul) and them scarring me, i accidentally admitted i was afraid i was gonna be yelled at

They then took to posting what i said in our quotes channel for everyone to see after i deleted my message. They refused to delete the message and even started deleting mine in response (they were a mod on our server), it took owner stepping in to fix this

A started using their mod powers to delete both of my partners' messages when they started speaking out against all three of our treatment. They also deleted our messages unrelated to that, making us look terrible in pass conversations.

When me i finally snapped and ledt the server, moving to another server hosted by a different friend that 90% of us were also one, they started messaging me for answers and to "apologize" aka blame me for what happened. They were nice and reasonable at first, but then they started pressuring me into in their words "cursing them out", which i unfortunately gave into.

A used it as an excuse to blame me for everything, blame me for never speaking up despite me constantly trying and being met with "its just a joke bro" they tried lying me about them using tone tags despite that fact they never used them. I blocked them quickly after that, seeing what they were doing but barely a day after they tried talking to one of my partners about it.

In the message A sent they tried to place all the blame on my other partner, saying that they deserve everything that happened. They said i shouldnt be absolutely pissed at them about what happened to my partner, what they (A) put them through. To say that was the final straw is an understatement.

A destroyed me and my partner's self worth and confidence, has made us even months later second guess our every word and even our friends. Afraid their gonna turn against and treat us like A did. A made me question my own judgment and stuff with their lies. They tried placing blame on me for unrelated things, they tried to ruin my image. And as we later found out A physical hurt one of the three people in our group they knew irl, often.

Im still constantly afraid of A finding their way back to the new server even tho they're blocked, ive had ex friends stalk me to almost creepshowart levels and i wouldn't put it past them to do that. Most of the process i made with my friends to open up and be myself more destroyed. I fear people talking behind my back again, cuz apparently A tried starting a secret server with my friends who were aware of what happened due to exams to trash talk me, which failed but still.

I still feel terrible about all this, i didnt speak out when A originally started trash talking my partner out of fear, now i feel bad for causing my friends to basically lose our originally server because of this. The guilt eats at me even tho i know this was the best choice for everyone

Tldr/summary cuz its long

An ex friend of mine would constantly bully me and one of my partners and when we finally stand up for ourselves they tried manipulating us and our other friends into making them the good guy and us the bad guys. Even going as far as trying to fake evidence (which ive learn as of writing this)

Even months after im still suffering the effects of everything and i dont know how to try moving on. I am trying to seek therapy again but the health system here is terrible and expensive, so im trying to possibly find ways to help myself while waiting

Hi Shadow,

I'm so sorry to hear about the toxic friendship you had. The way your friend treated you and your partner was completely unacceptable. Their behavior of making mean-spirited jokes, targeting and insulting both of you, and dismissing your requests to stop is not a sign of love or friendship. It's important to remember that you deserve respect, kindness, and support in your relationships.

It seems like A used their position as a mod to further their harmful actions. Deleting messages, manipulating situations, and attempting to shift blame are clear signs of their toxic behavior. It's unfortunate that they tried to undermine your self-worth and confidence, as well as create divisions among your friends. This kind of treatment can have lasting effects, but it's essential to recognize that their behavior is a reflection of their own issues and not a reflection of your worth.

Please know that healing is a gradual process, and it's okay to give yourself time and space to heal at your own pace. It's understandable to have moments of doubt or fear, but try to remind yourself that you have taken positive steps by cutting off a toxic relationship. You deserve peace and happiness in your life.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[traumatizeddfox]

hi nothing extreme, just some AITA friend "drama" im looking for a second opinion on. hope ur doing well!

so i recently became friends w this girl and we've been friends for several months now. we met at a mental health awareness program and she immediately opened up that she had anxiety etc. on the one hand i was like it's good to just cut the bs and be honest but at the same time i was a little on guard that she immediately opened up like that yk?

our relationship (platonic) has been fairly smooth, but she will often text me (we live just across the street from each other it turns out) and ask to come over or for me to come over because she's unwell, either mentally or physically. 99% of the time i've been turning her down because i don't feel like we're on that level yet, yk? but i try to still show my support by offering to continue texting her and listening to her vent. but every time i say no she gives me the silent treatment for days and it's really annoying.

a few weeks ago i had invited her to a party i was going to, and she declined. when i was at the party, she texted me saying she had a headache, and i said oof. she asked for us to make plans for the weekend and i said yes. then she asked if i had a problem, and i was really confused, so i said no? and then she said "that was not kind" and that she'd been struggling the past week and i never checked up on her. i was so confused because i was like, how is agreeing to hang out not kind? so i was like sorry im confused, i said yes to hanging out this weekend?? and then the silent treatment began for a while.

today she asked to come over because she's sad. i said i have to clean the house in preparation for company this week, which i told her about previously. but then i offered to give her some coping tips to show that i'm not just trying to flake. and she hasn't responded since.

i know our friendship is kinda based off of the fact that i do mental health support stuff, and so i've really been feeling like i'm more of a therapist to her, or better yet, a firefighter. because she expects me to drop everything immediately and come running to fix the situation, when it's not my responsibility to begin with. i just don't know why she expects so much of me. none of my friends are as needy as her emotionally. (am i her only friend??)

i kinda wanna stop being friends with her. i feel like it's just unbalanced and communication isn't going to work if she's going to just ignore me. i know she's going through a lot, i feel bad for her, but i really feel like she's expecting too much too soon. i'm normally an empathetic and giving person but the amount of times she asks me to come over is frustrating and exhausting.

AITA?

I dont think you're the asshole at all for that. I think she probably has no one to talk to or maybe feels more comfortable with you, and maybe has co dependency issues. It isn't your responsibility to make sure she is safe all the top, especially since you guys aren't that close yet. I don't think distancing yourself from her is bad either, ive been in this situation before where someone treated me like a therapist and a not a friend and it was rly damaging to me. she also seems to have a lot of issues, but that isnt your problem either, and by the way it sounds, you seem to still help her out,so no i dont think youre the asshole at all!

[facade]

had a dream that my mom had another meltdown and i screamed and cried at her so much that i lost my voice and i couldn’t scream anymore and i was growing more and more exhausted by the minute. it was disorienting how i physically couldn’t talk at all no matter how desperate and dizzy i was to cry even more, only to wake up and use my voice just fine

anyways, im emotionally exhausted. i comforted my mother for 4 or 5 hours last night, in i think her worst meltdown ever. it feels bad, but even when she was thrashing and screaming out on the bed i felt not a lot at all. i think i have trouble processing the urgency and consequences of the situation because i just didn’t feel anything. even when i saw her in distress.

now that my brothers in the psych ward due to what happened. i don’t know how much more of this we can take, but the problem is that it may not matter at all because we still have to take it. when my brother finishes his time in the ward, or in rehab, what will we do ? will it go back to normal? and will he go back to rehab? or will we find him overdosed?. we can’t kick him out, he has no one. he’ll probably end up in danger or dead or worse. He’s suicidal. we can’t even tell if it’s either the withdrawal that’s making him like this, or a mental disorder, or both.

ive never seen my mom cry like this before ever in my life and i dont know what i can do about it other than expect the worse or something, like his name on the news. im worried he’s changing so much and its been going on for so long that there’s nothing we can do because of how much we’ve pushed him and looked out for him already. i think with all the support we’ve given him, it has to be him to take control and figure things out. but the worst thing is that even with him working to get to rehab he’s still showing the same reactions that make me FEEL (not KNOW) that he will not change. and that he will be the same person and it’ll be a cycle. i feel like i should have experience and therefor know what to do, with all this drug abuse in the family but im soo tired. I don’t know how to feel scared even though this should be the most stressful thing in my life, but i just don’t feel anythinggg. i really hate my brother, he makes me so angry and i hate this complex around me and i hate how he treats me, but i don’t want anything bad to happen to him. i want him to be okay. I do not know what to do. I feel like no matter what happens somethings going to happen to him by the end of the year. we can’t afford the bills for my mom as is. We can’t afford to keep him here because of how much money he takes from either of us. none of his friends that we trust talk to him anymore. ahhh, i don’t know what to do. i feel exhausted . i had one month of piece but i think im not allowed to relax for so long. im so overwhelmed

my moms meltdown last night was terrifying. her drunk and screaming and wobbling around. glass broken. I still feel adrenaline i think. i tried to take care of her, clean up the mess and get her to bed. Cut her off from alcohol. im tired. she thinks he’s going to die too. I know we both know it. I don’t know what we can do about it that won’t end up in hurting him or damaging our already fucked relationship even more. i wish our family wasn’t so small. if my mom passes it’ll just be me and my brother going separate ways, but if he passes too then i really will be on my own. i kind of don’t know what to do going forward if that happens, even if i have a plan. i wish i was someone with a much better life right now. Wish i had everything and a happy family lol

[kath-artic]

im all mixed up right now and i feel so selfish

like outside of the whole 'still wanting this guy even though hes seeing someone now' thing, i feel so torn up and selfish because one of my closest friends is closer than id like her to be. i know the way i hurt people when they get close because i know myself and im not the kind of person that can devote myself to everyone around me 24/7. at least im not that person anymore. i had a really close friend in high school who i loved dearly and we talked about everything, but after a while he started saying we were exactly the same and treating me like a father figure and it shrunk me down in a way that made me uncomfortable, but i didnt know how to express that at the time because i didnt know how to be a person at that time. when i broke up with my last partner i cut ties with most people because i was so distraught and felt id lost my whole center of self, and this friend took that silence personally. to him it was abandonment, and i suppose it was selfish. i owed him an explanation. i know friendships arent meant to be easy and i was a coward for not confronting the situation after finding out that he felt that way. he cut me off because of it and im sorry i never apologized. i told myself i didnt want to have to justify the fact that i was suicidal, but that wasnt why i didnt give him an explanation. i didnt explain because i frankly was tired of being faced with a past version of myself who kept insisting we were the same. i was tired of being so close to something that held no mystery anymore. i didnt really want to go back when i was starting to find myself. it was a fucked up and cowardly thing to do and i shouldve been honest with him instead of continuing my silence. anyway, the point is i habe friends now who remind me of past versions of me. they dont say we're the same, but they seem to think they understand me completely even though i know they dont (and thats okay. i dont expect them to, i just wish they would be more open to the idea that there are parts of me they might not get instead of trying to squeeze me into a box of things they DO get). they also rely on me the same way. every decision is run past me, activities are only carried out if they involve me. one of my friends just started calling me their best friend and i wouldnt think much of it if they didnt make such a big deal out of being anxious about it and now its got ME anxious because clearly it means a lot to them and i knowwww the kind of space i need and the way ive disappointed those whove put me on this pedestal before. same friend just invited themselves to something im doing with another friend and now they keep texting me for details and i dont know what to do. i frankly dont really want them to come and its for no reason other than i see them too often and the plans i made were kind of special for me and the friend i made them with.

ugghhhh i just never know when im being an asshole. when establishing boundaries is me overstepping someone else's. how uncomfortable i should be willing to get for another person. i guess thats just the way it goes though. i dont know that theres such a thing as a right answer to this. i think sometimes people have boundaries and needs that are incompatible and sometimes we have to be willing to bend and other times we have to be willing not to push. thats why its important to know more than one person, you know? whats 'too far' for one person might not be for another

this is all besides the point. the problem is that for as brutally honest as i can be about certain things, im terrible at being honest about my own boundaries/needs. i didnt get with that guy because i didnt know how to be honest about the fact that i really liked him. i shouldve just said that i enjoyed our conversation instead of trying to play it cool or whatever dumb shit i did. and i lost one of my closest friends because i didnt tell him i needed more space. i owe it to this friend to be honest about that.

[sleeqwalkinq]

vent . tw || — bpd . manipulation . self harm .

all i ever do is hurt him. genuinely. all. of. the. time. and i cant stand myself for it. i do it subconsciously. i want to be able to stop but it is so hard. i know im manipulating him but i cannot stop no matter how hard i try. i dont know why he puts up with me. before , like a yr into our relationship i was fine and we were happy and i kept all of my bpd fits to myself. now that were almost 4yrs in, i take it out on him because im more comfortable. being more comfortable with someone does NOT warrant you abusing them daily. it hurts to see and hear him hurting because of me. but i cannot stop. it ruins me day by day because i either am getting so mad at him over random things that have no value to warrant my anger or im just straight up telling him he doesnt love me anymore because he didnt answer my text fast enough. he tells me it hurts him constantly and i always say i understand and wont do it again but i always do it again without fail. he told me that when i tell him he deserves someone better it hurts him because it feels like i dont wanna be in a relationship with him anymore and i kept doing it until he basically told me he was gonna break up with me if i kept doing it!!!!!!!

i want to be good for him, i really do. i know he loves me dearly and wants to be with me forever, yet i constantly need reassurance from him.

at one point this year it got so bad whenever he was with me and he made me slightly upset i would lock the door to the room i was in and start cutting myself as he banged on the door to beg me to stop. this is a really awful thing for me to admit to. at the time i didnt do it for manipulation i do want to clarify. i was in an awful mental state and had nothing else to turn to when things went wrong. i see now that this is SUPER manipulative and i should have NEVER done it no matter how much i was hurting and unable to cope. the guilt that follows me for this haunts me everyday and i constantly want to apologize for this but im not sure how. ill tell him someday.

i really want to reach out for help for my problems because i am pretty sure the only way ill get better is with therapy, but ive been putting off finding a nee therapist. my mother doesnt know about any of these things, and is sending me to therapy about my fathers passing, but i want to also have it as an outlet to treat or lessen my abusive behavior. i want to get better . i need to get better. it destroys me everyday knowing all i ever do is abuse the ones i love. i truly do not want to atall. it tears me apart. living with this mental illness is ripping me apart.

also another thing that i just wanna add— I AM NOT HOPPING ON THE BPD BANDWAGON. i understand that its considered a “trendy” mental illness but i would like to clarify i am no where near that. infact- i have been researching and questioning about bpd for YEARS. wayyy before it became a “trend” to have it. if i could choose a reality where i was normal- i would. this illness is destroying my relationships and my mental wellbeing. anyone who self diagnoses from tiktok who has not done proper research is fucking stupid. why would you want to live with an illness that does irreparable damage to you and all of your relationships? who would want to constantly unwillingly abuse their parter, friends, siblings… etc. who would want to deal with hallucinations? who in their right mind would want to unwillingly get so physically and mentally attached to someone that if you dont speak to them for more than a few days you start to genuinely lose your mind and question if they still really want to be with you? who would want any of this? i dont think they understand how horrible this illness is to live with and it pisses me off.

anyways yeah. downloaded tumblr for this because i wanted to get shit off my chest . i hope i can also use this account in the future to listen to my silly alex g as i type about my issues. its 1:57 am — goodnight all.

[sckjoldr]

Fuck im so torn on whetevwr i should just give up being friend with this one friend i have or just give up on trying to express my sadness to them and just keep on this sadness cycle because when i want to leave them i have to cut contact with our whole friend group aswell

I cant continue wirh this anymore i feel morw and more resentful eacj time we have a conflict because he just exits the conversation and then comes bacl like nothing happened or when i try to mend this he has a mental breakdown and does something bad to himself and i feel like i was the cause

I feel genuelny horrible all the time so i just bottle up all my fewlings just so he could be comfortable because i know how hard his life is but man i cant do this anymore it seems like his self hatred has circled back into like narcisism?? I havent heard him say thank you or sorry to me in like monhts. When i feel uncomfortable about something he does he spirals and tellls me like lol or skill issue or get over it but god forbid i say something that ticks him off becayse then ihave to apologize and change myself (which is understandable but DAMN id hoped that hed be as undestanding as i am aswell)

Fuck ive had this growing feeling for this whole year i can count things that made me feel bad and theres like 20 dofferent occasions

- when we habged out irl he constantly was pessimistic and angry and hostile towards anything and everything that it got exhausting (talking about how much he hates babies and kids so loudly on a street that everyone heard, when we talked about organizing some things with our friend group he shut me off because it "wont happen pr would be too hard etc"

- i kind pf came out to the gang as nonbinary and he replied with: "huh since when what idc bye" and left the convo (seeing as he is trans k hoped he would be the most supportive so this threw me off so bad

- not only that every time i express my feelings of solitude in our rant chat he either ignores it or answers: how are you lonely ypu have ypur bf

- or he just derails my rant to speak about how he has it harder and then he gets mad when we cant reply to him with anything helpful and exits the convo

- fucking the last one i wanted to draw our firedn group as furries as a cute thing and when i asked him and others what animal they would like to be he answered woth hostiliyy like "no i wil never be a furry" and then when i stsrted jsut drawing and showung it to them he got angry about not being able to choose his species ?? Told him that i was already drawing him i cant change now and he answered "whatever its gonna be dumb anyway"

I got so fickign mad at that that i snapped back at him and then he started spiraling again of course telling me atuff like "whatever im not wanted anyway then ill just kms" and started talking abput all kinds of horrible stuff

I just left our server at that i was so exhausted of his shit im tired man but

Ive never felt lonelyer than now ive been off discord for like 3 days and i feel awful im isolated form my friends ans they dont even seem to care that im missing a d this kid has already forgotten this conflict as alwaya so ill never get the actual fuckigng apology id like

Oeh man i just wish i was treated nicely by the people ive known for 4 years now

[badluckblackjack]

Alex here. So this is going to be a bonkers thing to post but I need to throw it out there or Im not going to be able to continue my day which would be bothersome. Right now I feel like i can’t move on because i can’t make it right with anyone except the canonmates I have. And god i’m so fucking lucky to know them. Being able to make peace with Karl Wilbur charlie and george of all people… god i’m the luckiest guy on earth which is the funniest thing ever considering the url i chose for this. But i’m a greedy bastard and you all know this. I want to be able to be friends with everyone again and listen to how they feel. Tell them how I feel. So throwing it out into the void helps because maybe someone important will see it. Below the cut i’m going to continue talking and i’m going to try not to feel mortified for posting this. The soundtrack to this post is message in a bottle by the police.

Basically as a blanket statement im sorry. And not in the shitty half assed way i did it in source. Believe me i have personalized apologies for all of you people. I think about you all the time and i know what ive done wrong... I still struggle with taking accountability and blaming other people, i wont lie, but god im trying so hard. I want to be better for you all.

For most intents and purposes i am better. I think in this life im more like Tubbo or Aimsey was. I know the right thing to do is to keep striving to be kind. Never give in. Power is never what i needed and nobody else needs it either. We just need to work hard to protect ourselves and our loved ones, and accept each other. I still have my moments but. You know.

I got so far with this and now I dont really know what to write. I dont really know what to do except go down the list.

Tommy i should have been better to you...i should have been there more. Having abandonment issues isnt an excuse for leaving you alone. And im tired of people acting like i was soooo good to you! like for fucks sake man i really wasnt, i did the bare minimum maybe 25% of the time, most everyone else just somehow sucked harder than that. I really dont deserve that praise. But this time around I know what i would do. Im not afraid to cut in and defend you because i dont have my own personal beefs wrapped up in everything. I just want to help you now like i should have then. And if you dont need my help then we could goof off. Or you could not talk to me at all, thats genuinely fine too. Im sorry i was so selfish. You deserve good people in your life. You deserve security, safety, and good fucking friends.

Tubbo im sorry im such a stubborn ass. None of how i treated you in las nevadas was okay and none of what happened was okay. It was just as much my fault as it was wilburs. And...listen man, I dont know. I know youll feel weird that i said this, and youre free to feel weird, or be mad, but. That festival was the worst day of my fucking life. I have never felt so stupid, useless, and incompetent in my entire life. Because you were my best friend. I should have gotten us out of there way before then. Im sorry i got us into that mess. None of what ... you know, he did is an excuse for that. So.. i wish i could go back and undo it. Or something. God im fucking crying writing this HAHA i love you toby i hope thats proof.

Jack , youre probably looking at this like im insane if youre reading this, but i just want you to know, you didnt deserve what happened to you, and im glad you were my friend, and also im sorry i stole so much of your stuff. I liked your pants that you would wear.

Fundy... you know its complicated, i know its complicated, its fine. For what its worth, im sorry for never being a true friend to you. I hope that wherever you are youre happy. I really, really dont expect that you would ever want to talk to any of us ever again besides probably Eret, but just know, my door is wide open to you. Through everything, im still wanting you around. And i can do way better this time. Ill take care of you as much as i can.

Ranboo, you deserved better. Im sorry i never got to know you very well. Im gonna be honest, pretty much everything you do makes me angry, but it just makes me angry because it reminds me of myself? If we were to speak i would get ahold of myself and not take that out on you, because you dont deserve that, but I dont really know how to apologize without bringing that into it. I see so much of myself in you. Youre growing. Im proud of you. Keep trying your best. This sounds so fucking condescending AHAHA sorry buddy.

Technoblade, you were a victim, and you didnt deserve any of what I did to you. you werent even a person to me, you were a symbol of everything that made me hate myself; you were actually powerful, i was scared of you, and you were mentally strong, too. Its not okay to treat someone that way. In this life ive been able to let go, so you dont have to worry about my annoying ass on your case anymore, ever again. Youre really cool. I want to be able to appreciate that for what it is without letting how much i dont like myself get in the way. Pride is stupid! You are awesome.

Purpled... Im never going to do anything like that again. You have my word. And for what its worth, im sorry. You didnt deserve any of that. I think youre really cool, and I always have thought that, so just... stay swaggy? I dont fucking know. Go keep doing awesome things. Im not going into detail here because Im trying to spare you the annoyance lol.

Nikki, I love you. Our friendship is basically the nicest memory i have of the whole fucking server. Im sorry we werent closer and didnt stay in touch. YOU WERE IMPORTANT TO ME. so fucking important. Also karl misses you too but dont tell him i told you. I hope you are doing something creative lately. My current demeanor is similar to yours back then so I think we could get along preetttyyyyy well again....wink...please be my friend again. If i sound desperate its because i am. WINK.

Okay...Bad. Let's get into it. I still think i was right to try to stop you, but I was wrong for holding a grudge, and i was wrong for trying to tell you that you should be striving for your own power or something stupid like that. The way to feel at peace with yourself is to hang out with your friends. You know this, i know this, we both got BRUTALLY taught this lesson over and over, so lets either just silently acknowledge this and never speak to each other again or bury the hatchet and be buddies.

Connor if youre reading this i love you.

Sam, we had the most unhealthy dynamic on earth, and I think its best if we probably never speak to each other again just because I still feel really unresolved about everything so I know im going to accidentally end up trying to forcefully recreate how it used to be. But, i shouldnt have pushed you around, and Im sorry. I shouldnt have done what i did to dream either but I dont think an apology is enough to even begin covering that. Just know... i know it was wrong and its never going to happen again. I wont let it happen again. I have control over myself, at least, and nothing that bad is ever going to happen again.

Foolish... I care about you so fucking much. Im sorry for pushing you around, too. I should never have manipulated you into joining my country, and I should have never lashed out at you either. This is going to sound stupid but it felt like if I was actually nice to you and treated you how I wanted to treat you, then when you inevitably left it would just be another time i got my heart broken after giving it up. by this logic at least if i was mean it was still my fault and i had control over the situation. Its fucked up, and sucky, and you deserve better, so much better. So, im sorry, and i hope things are going well for you. I hope the people around you appreciate how fucking awesome you are. Im not afraid to say it now, youre fucking AWESOME, youre the coolest motherfucker around. Thank you for everything youve done for me.

Tina, i didnt meet you in source yet, but I know i loved you. So just know that. Lets be friends? Karl misses you.

Sapnap...I dont really know where to start here because theres so much to say. Im sorry i left. Im sorry i didnt believe you when you said karl was sick. Im sorry i didnt try harder to come home. Im sorry i was so fucking scared all the time, and emotionally unavailable, and just...terrified. Our timing was weird and I hope we ended up getting it right at some point... but for now youll be pleased to know, Karl is my best friend now. We still have issues every now and again, were both emotional little shits and struggle to communicate, but hes my best fucking friend, okay? But a piece of our hearts are missing, so just...were waiting here, buddy. Theres a spot at the table for you. We both have hella trust issues so it might be hard for us to actually believe you when you say youre Sapnap but its worth a shot right? Maybe thats too presumptuous. Idk, i just love you. Come be my friend again, okay?

And finally... to myself, im sorry. I didnt deserve what happened to me. So ill keep trying to stop telling myself that i did deserve it, because i didnt. I dont need to be perfect. I dont need to be powerful. Its okay to just be my silly, anxious, ditsy, emotional, annoying, fun loving self. Its okay to just be.

if you read this much you are a brave soul. See you next time i have a letter to write. For now, alex out.

[ghoul-haunted]

I didn’t cut my hair because I woke up and immediately wrote about 30 pages total for two and a half different stories

[800-dick-pics]

lol the amount of lesphobia ppl carry w them is unreal, lol if youre wondering yes im a mean dyke and i dont like you c: 

[ssplague]

Chapter 0ne

“And so it begins”

Katsuki B. X Reader

Rated M

Warnings: Gaslighting, manipulation, power play, light degradation

The day before the two of you left for UA; Your best friend gave her word to your mother that she would always look after you. Now that the two of you are in your third year she’s officially FED UP with your attitude and childish antics. Mentioning her dilemma to your shared group of friends results in the most unlikely person offering to be her solution to the problem that is YOU.

A/N: The girl in the banner is NOT how the reader is “supposed” to look, it was just a drawing I did specifically for this. You look however you want to, I don’t really make any specific references to your appearance in this story.

🌅

Its Saturday morning; Ive been awake for about five minutes now, but I’m not ready to open my eyes and embrace the conscious world just yet. Hearing the door of my room unlock and open does the trick though. Only one person (other than myself of course) has a key to my dorm room.

“I made breakfast for the both of us, its your favorite” announces Euphie as she walks in, kicking the door shut behind her. I sit up, just as she’s pushing my black out curtains to the side I let out a hiss of disdain as sunlight immediately begins to permeate the room.

“Thank you Euphie” I say with a yawn.

She hands me a plate before settling down on my bed, acknowledging my thanks with a nod as we both tuck in.

“We have plans this afternoon, can you be ready by at least 12:30? No need to get super made up but at least out of your pajamas?” Euphies voice is gentle, but I catch the underlying “I’m not asking, but telling you” vibe she tries to hide.

“For sure”

She smiles at my seemingly agreeable mood so early in the morning and we easily segway into our standard start of the day discussions. “Are we um…Are we going to be busy all day? I….I kinda planned on going to hangout with-“ Euphie cuts me off as she picks up our plates: “No worries you’ll have plenty of time for that, I promise!” Giving me a wink before shutting my door.

She didn’t even know who I was referring to, or what I was going to say….

At 12:55 Euphie reappears to rush me out of my room.

“Hey I forgot my purse I-“

“Don’t need it”

“But my wallet is-“

“Not necessary”

Her tone is clipped, and she has a death grip on my wrist as she quite literally drags me down the hallway. Initially I was taken aback, not being used to receiving this type of treatment from her. My bearings have started returning along with growing frustration each time one of my questions are receiving one word answers, or met with a complete dismissal. Reaching my limit I fail to notice that she’d began to slow down, and I’m wrenching my wrist free of her grip at the exact same time she’d come to a stop.

“What in the fuck is your problem?! You told me that we had plans to go out this afternoon, and you’d treat me to whatever I want!

This-“ I’m interrupted again.

“I certainly wouldn’t do anything for a fuckin’ brat throwing a tantrum like this”

My eyes snap to the side where I see the irritated scowl of one Katsuki Bakugou, as he leans against his door frame glowering at me. Embarrassment further fuels my anger as I turn toward him, pointing an acusatory finger as I begin “No one fucking asked you, stay out of it Katsu-“.

Kirishima suddenly emerges from Bakugo’s room, giving Euphie an enthusastic greeting

“Hey there! You look nice, ready to head out?”. The red head is flashing his signature shark toothed grip at my best friend as he offers her his arm. “You know it” she giggles, taking hold of his muscular bicep. The two of them start to walk off, confused and furious I start to head after them, but a large hand grips my shoulder grounding me in place.

“Bakugo told me he wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on you while Kiri and I went out this afternoon, this way you’ll stay out of trouble and get to keep the plans you’d made with him, bye!” The closing elevator doors add a sudden finalization to her brief explanation.

“Plans?” Bakugo questions while uncermoniously yanking me backwards.

I stumble back, falling through the doorway and landing flat on my ass in front of the now closed door (Which he is standing in front of). Glaring up at him as he continues: “She must have me confused with the local brothel, because thats the only place I’d imagine wearing a skirt as short as that would be deemed appropriate”. His insult doesn’t deter his crimson eyes from roaming the length of my body, lingering on the aforementioned skirt. Getting to my feet, he walks around me and move towards his desk, taking a seat behind it.

“Oh fuck you Katsuki, you can be a real dick sometimes, I dunno what stupid Euphie told you about keeping and eye on me, but I dont need a fucking baby sitter! So ill be off now” with a huff you turn towards the door. “________, I’m not in the mood for bullshit today so just sit down and shut up” he growls, not turning to look at you. He always feels embarrassingly giddy when you adress him by his first name, thats why he insisted you call him by it. That in itself should be an indication of how he seems to favor you.

It makes him almost feel a bit guilty for using a harsh tone when he’d spoken to you. Despite how he treats others, Katsuki is hardly ever outright mean to you; He’s never even given you a derogatory nickname like he has for everyone else. Today’s an off day though…He’s just not used to running on little to no sleep. That paired with his already non existent level of patience makes for a blow up. Especially when YOU were the cause of his latest bout of insomnia….turning to look at you has his thoughts beginning to wander.

Those lips of yours flapping away as you berate him…

They sure would look a helluva lot better wrapped around his-

“-Not even fucking listening to me are you?!” You snarl, starting towards the door again. “I cant believe I woke up this morning wanting to hangout with YOU, guess I’ll change my plans and hangout with someone not so shitty to me…. Like Deku!” A loud crash comes from behind you. The now enraged man had stood up so abruptly, it sent his now vacated chair careening into the wall and toppling over.

“You really just cant help yourself can you?”

His voice is so eerily quiet as he turns to face you, something unidentifiable flashes in his rapidly darkening crimson orbs. You couldn’t exactly identify it, considering it disappeared as abruptly as it had originally came.

“Course you cant, I already know that”

A menacing smile appears on his face as he takes his first step toward you, immediately triggering your natural “Fight or flight” response.

“I know what you need”

He’s only an arms length away when you start to step back.

“You dont know shit”

You somehow summon the courage to speak, but are unable to summon any false bravado to keep you from betraying how unnerved he’s got you feeling as he takes another step.

“I know that your best friend cant stand what a spoiled fuckin’ brat you’ve become, I know she’s so fed up with your shit that she’s about to write you off completely”

The defiant expression you’d worn all this time finally starts to falter.

This marks the first time Katsuki has ever seen how you look when your confidence begins to ebb away, only to be replaced with a mixture of uncertainty and fear.

His sadistic side emerges with glee as your now saddened doe eyes meet his.

“You’re constantly disregarding everyone’s opinion of you unless it aligns with your own, but you dont even know what to think of yourself now that your faced with the possibility of being alone now…do you?

You remain silent, taking yet another step back as he continues speaking.

“You need someone who isn’t afraid to correct you, but they’ll have to of earned your respect….So when you inevitably step out of line, you wont put up a fight when you get put over their knee”

Your back hits the wall.

You swallow down the panic that slowly begun to rise from your chest up into your throat as you realize there is nowhere left for you to go.

“You desperately want to be a good girl, just dont know how to be one, huh princess?”

It’s so adorable the way your bottom lip juts out, but at the first quiver it quickly gets sucked between your teeth.

“That’s why you’re acting out right now isn’t it?

I bet you drench your cute little panties every time you get a rise out of me. Always hoping that its going to be the time I yank you the fuck up and put this brat in her goddamn place, hah?”

You shamelessly lean into the large hand thats now cupping your cheek, letting out a sigh as his thumb caresses your soft skin.

“Mhmmm”

It’s horrifying how easily you just admitted your most guarded secret! The triumphant smirk he sports makes it even harder to accept.

His tone is surprisingly gentle when he starts addressing you once again;

“I can do that for you baby….Let me be the one that finally brings the princess down on her knees”.

Your eyes are practically sparkling at the feel of a sudden pressure being applied to your throat. His calloused fingers squeezing the delicate skin of your neck, effectively making it harder and harder for you to breathe. The thrill of this foreign feeling is instantly addicting.

“Tell me if thats what you want: If its not then shake your head and we never speak of this again”

Bakugo has to at least give the illusion that you have a choice in the matter. Even though its more than obvious that you need want this just as much as he does.

“I want it, I want you” your words come out in a breathy whisper as he releases his hold on your throat.

“I wanna hear you say it princess, what do you want me to do with you”

“I want…no I NEED you to….t-to make me into your good girl please…”

He gestures for you to continue, his raised brow implying you must be forgetting something.

“Please make me into your good girl….Daddy”

The pleading expression and twinge of desperation in your voice stirs something deep inside Bakugo. It was something akin to the last vestiges of some ancient seal had disappeared: The monster that it had rendered dormant had finally roused from its slumber, intent on wreaking havoc.

“You do understand that you’re mine now right ________? Every part of your being belongs solely to me”

Gorgeous ruby eyes scrutinize your face carefully, searching for a single trace of fear, uncertainty, or possible apprehension. All they found was admiration and girlish excitement, and this earned you a genuine smile from the almost always scowling young man.

“Yes, every part of me belongs to you now Katsuki”

“Better get used to this then”

Before you could inquire what he was referring to, he was kissing you.

❤️‍🔥

A/N: So concludes chapter one

Oh god I hope this is well received.

Should I get a tag list together? Is it too soon? If anyone would be interested leave a comment. SMUT in the next chapter, we’re moving faster here because let’s be honest; Smut is what all of us want! 💦

[luvspence]

darling, you’re the one i want

spencer reid x reader

{im not quite sure this is how a song fic works but this is basically stolen from paper rings by taylor swift, i’m using the lyrics as like prompt one liner things?????? idk bare with me}

- 1,3,4 are mainly fluff but 2 is a lot of fighting and bickering

——-

i want to drive away with you

“do you ever feel”

you took a pause in the middle of your thought, spencer spun around in his chair to face you

“indeed, i do feel”

“shut up i’m thinking” you said as you laughed and slapped him on the arm

“do you ever feel like, trapped? like boxed in almost”

he chewed on the end of his pen

“i guess? elaborate”

“well, i love my life. i have no regrets. but sometimes i feel like just running into the streets and screaming and keep running and never stopping? just fleeing in a sense”

“yeah, i get that. sort of an intrusive liberating type thought”

“exactly” you said tapping your finger to yourself head, a few seconds of silence passed before you spoke again

“i want to drive away with you”

spencer looked at you in confusion

“you’re all i need, seriously. i love everything in our lives right now i do, but i could go without all of it, besides you”

he rolled his chair up next to your and caught your hand in his

“i’d get up right now, keys in the ignition, and i’d drive into nowhere with you y/n. you’re it for me”

——

i want your complications too

you chased spencer up the stair way

“spencer!”

he turned around

“listen to me would you? every time i open my mouth it seems that you turn off your ears”

“i’m all ears y/l/n” he said, giving you more attitude than necessary, but you were having a hard time getting through to him

“that was unbelievably stupid! you could’ve gotten yourself killed! spencer this isn’t the first time, let alone the second, let alone the 7th time you’ve put yourself in harms way! this is so dumb spencer you understand this shit but you still are reckless! and don’t give me that crap about calculated risks”

you were fuming at him

“so what i’m alive, so is our victim what more do you want?”

“why are you turning this on me? i don’t want shit from you spencer! it’s not what i want! it’s your life! my god i shouldn’t have to justify to my colleague, god to my friend why i care about them being alive!”

“well i am alive. so i don’t know why you’re so bothered y/n it’s like your my mother or something” he said as he continued walking up the stair case

“no, you don’t get to do that. you don’t get to put your life on the line and then treat me like i’m the irrational one. painting me as the villain when i only just care about you”

“why do you care so much?”

“because i’m your friend?! because i love you?!”

he ignored you and resumed walking up the stairs

“you know what spencer? it’s because i love you. it’s because i love you so much that it affects my sleep. so much that i always make you coffee when you come in. so much that no matter what i’m doing, where i’m doing or who i’m doing it with, you’re always on my mind. the problem is spencer, not that i love you, that i’m IN love with you. and even at that you can’t seem to let me in. so i don’t know what the fuck to do anymore”

a tear fell down your cheek as you slammed the door and left

spencer standing dead in his tracks on the stair case. honestly wanting to vomit

-

you spent the rest of your day scream crying. so many emotions that you couldn’t quite process anything

you were laying on your couch, radio head on your phone, dried tears on your cheeks when your heard the doorbell ring

you go and open it

spencer

“hi”

“hi?”

you stood in your doorway, looking at each other with swollen eyes

silence, 2 seemingly frozen bodies

until spencer opened his mouth

“look, i’m sorry.”

“yeah me too”

you were sick of him, sick of how he couldn’t communicate, of how blind he could be. but something about his face was so so good. you were about to shut the door in frustration before spencer started to speak again 

“and with what you said, about the love thing...”

he took a big gulp 

“i do too. i love you too. i mean i’m in love with you too”

what. the. fuck.

between the shock and the upset you were feeling, there was little part of your heart that warmed when he said those words. you opened your mouth to speak but spencer cut you off

“and i just wanted to say that because i uh i owe you the truth always. regardless. but anyway, i don’t think we should pursue that though”

you stood in your doorway in shock

you didn’t know if you wanted to fight him, cry, or vomit

probably all of the above

you were blank, nothing came to your mouth. you tried to speak, tried to scream , but the only thing that came out was 

“what?”

“i’m no good for you, you deserve someone who can be perfect for you. you deserve that truly. and i can’t be that. so i’m sorry but that’s just how it is. i just want you to be happy. you don’t deserve a guy that you have to yell at in stairways, that makes you cry until your eyes swell shut, a guy that cant reconcile his emotions for crap or can’t communicate or anything that i am. so im sorry, but i think this is what’s best for you.”  he stuck his hands in his pants

“so bye i guess”

you were paralyzed, a surplus of information hitting you all at once. you couldn’t quite process it but you knew you couldn’t just let him walk away

“you’re idiotic” you shouted as he was about to get on the elevator

“i’m what now?”

“idiotic. no ones buying the ‘i’m not a nice guy’ crap”

“it’s not crap, it’s true. i’m no good for you”

“oh please spencer you’re acting like this is your villian orgin story. first off, who do you think you even are? i’m an adult i don’t need a white man who doesn’t know how to brush his hair to tell me whats ‘good for me’”

“i’m just looking out for you”

“okay, thanks, but i’m a big girl spencer i know how to take care of myself. and even so i don’t even think thats what this is about. you know what i think? i think that you’re too scared to admit that you don’t feel the same way. which is fine by the way, but if you’re to scared to face the reality of whatever your feeling and youre covering it by turning it on me? by saying that ‘i’m too good for you’ thats fucked up and thats that spencer.”

you caught your breath and continued 

“because spencer i know you’re pulling all this shit about not being good for me but is that even true? spencer reid we’re perfect for eachother. in every way. and if you’re blind to that than whatever, but i don’t want you to lie to try and tiptoe around my feelings”

“ever since you walked into the bau y/n ive loved you. every word you’ve ever said to me get played on repeat in my head. i love you i would want nearly nothing but to be with you y/n. i love you that much. that’s why i’m trying to our myself above what i want and above whatever so that you can be the happiest you can be. it’s just that i don’t want to hurt you. you don’t deserve that. i never want you to hurt ever. and i can only prevent that by taking myself out of the picture”

“spencer, when i said i love you. it means all of you. i want every side to spencer reid. i want your complications too. it’s all worth it spencer because you’re the one for me”

you two stood there for a couple minutes. it was the longest and shortest time of your life. spencer eventually took a deep sigh and stepped in a step closer to you, looking down at your face

red from the crying, left eye swollen shut, giving him a weak smile

“you’re the one for me”

——

i want your dreary mondays

“thursday”

“no?! the worst day of the week is monday obviously”

“monday is underrated in my opinion”

you were conversing with spencer while walking through the park after dinner

“monday is the worst, it’s so hard after the two perfect days of rest to return the mundane process of life”

“sure”

“so thursday? story behind that?”

-

“hey have you seen spence?” you asked around the office, only getting head shakes

it was the monday after a long weekend, and spencer has had a less than ideal day

just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, spilt hot coffee on his pants, forgot his satchel at hole

you searched around for him, when you realized

when spencer was overwhelmed or stressed or sad or anything like that, he retreated to the basement file room

no one ever went down there, and there was a closet with a couch in it that was good for taking mid day breaks

you ran down the stairs, opening the door to the closet and sure enough spencer was there

“hey”

“hi”

he wiped his hand across his face, presumably for a tear

“what’s up spence?”

you said scooting next to him on the closet couch

“having a monday”

“i’m sorry to hear that, what’s going on”

“well besides the coffee incident and satchel problem...” he began to rant about how his day was going less than ideal. when he stopped abruptly

“hey, you don’t need to listen to this”

“i dont have to, but i want to”

“are you sure? i’d hate to bore you with my bad day”

“come on spence, i want your dreary mondays something you gotta recognize, is that you’re such an incredible person, that your bad days are better than most people’s best.”

“yeah, perspective right. my worst days are someone’s best”

“yeah, but don’t ever feel invalidated abt your bad days, you always deserve to feel upset, and i’ll always be here to listen to it”

“god i love you”

—-

wrap your arms around me baby boy

spencer wasn’t a touchy person

germaphobe habits

but something about you, he was magnetic to you

no matter what it was, on the jet, in the office, while in line at the grocery store, anywhere and everywhere he always had you in a hug

coming up behind you while you were cooking, wrapping his arms around the back of your neck while you were working

he adored you, and you adored him

after a case, the team decided to hit the local bar, nearing the end of the night, they started to play slower stuff

slower jazzier beats, the dj came on and said

“okay you couples! get up there”

a few couples hand gone up, you were tugging on spencer’s arm to accompany you up there

“well if you don’t go you know morgan will”

derek raised an eyebrow at him, and before you knew it he was dragging you on stage.

poor spencer didn’t know how to dance correctly, he was standing so far from you. hands in each other’s hands like middle schoolers

“jeez spence, wrap your arms around me”

you grabbed his hands, positioning them on your waist, you wrapped your arms around his neck, and leaned into his chest

swaying back and forth, as the sinatra echoed the other the bar and the click of garcias camera could be heard

and in that moment, nothing felt better or more right, than dancing in spencer reids arms

[musique-de-la-nuit]

.