#ive never dated a person i feared may actually not see me as I Actually Am and have accepted iy

[mejomonster]

Being nonbinary and dressing feminine sometimes despite very much not being a woman is. Its like hello strangers hello new friends im making please dont immediately steamroll

[anthroposeen]

tmagp 15 relisten notes!

episode 15 spoilers below the cut!! be warned!

celia:

- potentially the worlds most balanced and well maintained person, considering the way she handled herself around her coworkers and in uncomfortable situations. its unnerving to me to have a character be so seemingly well balanced

- she's hired a sitter to watch jack, meaning georgie is not watching him as previously thrown around by the fans

- she's very calm when facing down lady mowbray and her hunting dogs, and is called "different" and strange by her -> further confirmation that celia is not from this universe

sam:

- picked out tickets for 'the pillowman' for his 2nd date with celia. unlike sam, i did look into this play, which was written by a man named martin (may we never escape the same-name curse) and is has a theme surrounding the question, "what price do we pay for freedom of expression" (taken from the play's website). i think this is definite foreshadowing into the themes of the podcast or sam/celia's arcs specifically (what price do you pay for knowledge? for autonomy? for recognition?)

- sam seems a bit cold with alice throughout their interaction, not really engaging with her or trying to have any banter with her like normal. i think this is reasonable, considering he told her he wants to not discuss his relationship with her and shes interrupting him and celia, but i wanted to point it out since we last saw him in a bad mood with gwen. the guy seems a bit down and out

alice:

- her invitation to sam and celia is interesting to pick apart, and ive split into two interpretations of the invitation. on one side of the coin, i think she genuinely wanted to hang out with them, even as the third wheel, and she wanted to show off her brother's talent. on the other hand, she could be using the show as a resource to divide sam and celia and throw a wrench in their date plans. i think the first interpretation makes sense, and its the assumption im working off of to understand her character/motivations, and i think its evidenced by her checking the times to confirm the show happens after their date.

- seems to be very thrown off by celia having a baby, which of course speaks to alice's own relationships and expectations (anytime someone my age has a baby i'm thrown off), but also gives an idea of how celia presents herself at work. she must not speak of her personal life at all for no one but sam to know about jack.

- she meets a drowning victim in an alley after the show, and tried to help her. the fact that she seems unsure of whats going on means she doesn't actually know about the ins and outs of the fears/powers. so she may know the OIAR's deal but she doesnt seem to clock this as a supernatural event. this places a limitation on what alice knows

gwen:

- we can assume that lady mowbray is the external that lena wanted her to contact, and though she seems in control of the situation, she's uneasy when mowbray mentions she's ate recently. meaning she can be professional, but still isn't ok with the situation at hand

incident:

- the caller is ex-military and described lady mowbray as "not seeing people anymore, just assets" with "gun metal gray hair"

- he describes the feeling of staring down the barrel of a gun, and knows the sound of a head shot without looking

- mowbray has control of her hunting party and seems to have some influence over the man narrating, but i think thats a sign of him already being marked by the power she serves

- despite the man successfully hunting his coworkers and winning that race, he was still prey for her, with none of the rest of her party partaking in the chase (this is interesting since the hunt was a group activity in the TMA universe, with hunters preferring to work with a partner)

- the music indicating that mowbray is near is so well done and actually gave me goosebumps, i really enjoyed that it sped up the closer she got to her target, similar to the jaws theme almost. it added amazing tension!!

new characters/new introductions:

- lady mowbray, an avatar of sorts that seems to serve this universe's hunt/slaughter adjacent power. she's also an OIAR external and may know the bouchards

- alice's brother!! i was realy surprised we got to meet him (horrible awful news for him, im so sorry you're doomed mate you seem really chill)

- the drowning victim. i think that this woman is from the TMA universe, (a tape recorder clicks on to record this segment! which has only happens at the magnus institute in this universe!) and she may be from a vast/sea domain in the fear apocalypse. she's definitely experiencing a psychotic break, and i think she likely teleported/transported across dimensions like celia did. but theres also a possibility that she came from the institute, since we heard movement from the location (though im certain she isnt the error)

glitches/lies:

none

extra comments:

- you can faintly hear the hunting theme music play when mowbray is talking to celia and commenting on her being peculiar

- i think the incident is clearly hunt-related, but the caller being ex-military and using so many military phrases/metaphors throughout the incident does make me think it could be a connection between the hunt and slaughter, but im very cautious to try and reason how the powers work just yet

- i think the tape recorders will be an indicator of when we're dealing with someone/something from the TMA universe, and it may draw correlation to that world building in those specific scenes, but this is a hunch

- this is my favorite incident so far, as ive always been a very big fan of the hunt in TMA, and this is the closest tmagp has gotten to the power! i love mowbray's character so far, i can really get behind the cruella de-ville meets queen of hearts vibe she has going on and i really enjoy the melodrama she commands

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[ooooo-mcyt]

For real though watching yhs has lead me to the conclusion that despite Grian seemingly has such an active fight instinct....most of the time he actually doesnt respond to situations with half the fight attributed to him.

When faced with a traumatic situation Grian will absolutely bare his teeth at the nearest threat. He's absolutely vitriolic towards Sam at all times without fail and has even initiated physical violence in their confrontations once or twice. He's often on edge, often quick to angry outbursts, just overall rather hostile when faced with a dangerous/frightening/harmful situation. Which definitely indicates his main response to these scenarios is to fight. Hard.

However the more I engaged with fanon the more I faltered. A lot of fanon does portray him as very hostile in the face of trouble. Which should make sense. Canonically Grian knows when to say no, when to argue, and even sometimes when to physically fight back. Any episode with Grian present will likely have examples of him pushing back against harmful situations. And yet something always feels very Off about that being the start and end of it in a lot of fanon. Which led me down an interesting line of thinking.

I honestly suspect that Grian's volatility and will to fight back isn't nearly as strong as one would believe from observing him on surface level. In fact, his on the surface hostility feels like it's borderline a facade altogether to be honest.

I mean look at examples throughout canon of Grian in distressing situations.

Yhs halloween episode. The one where Taurtis got stabbed. And the following situation where Grian is famously forced to dress up like Taurtis. Grian would later be very upset about Sam stabbing Taurtis, however his initial response was to nervously laugh and even give Sam appeasing praise. I mean, Grian says "you weren't supposed to stab him" pretty clearly, but he anxiously laughs before and afterwards and even tells Sam he's proud of him when prompted. Obviously Grian was very upset about the whole thing later on after taking Taurtis to the hospital however in the moment he's mostly silent and when he's not he's just nervously laughing throughout, even agreeing with whatever *Sam* says when he's outright prompted by name for an opinion, then when everyone else tries to play it off casually Grian actually goes along with it almost entirely, even agreeing to let Taurtis drive him home for some reason. Then, according to his own story, he had an opportunity to talk to police at the hospital and he didn't incriminate Sam. He knew they were supicious of *him* but he still didn't incriminate the actual killer. "I told them I found him like that" Grian alleged. Honestly it sounds like he didn't tell them much of *anything* before being released and making the walk back to meet Sam. The next morning Grian was significantly more vocally upset about Taurtis being stabbed and expressed being upset with Sam however he seemed significantly more anxious than he was angry throughout the interaction. Then Grian immediately pretty readily agreed to go with Sam and Yuki to school and willingly put on the Taurtis outfit before the other's even started with the threats in the name of making things 'less awkward'. He certainly objected, however he was once again a lot more anxious than angry, nervously laughing, coming up with really weak unimportant excuses, and agreeing within ten seconds of being asked. Pretty much the rest of his time dressed as Taurtis goes very similarly. He objects to most things he's told to do and brings up Sam stabbing Taurtis multiple times despite the other's not wanting him to but is primarily nervous rather than hostile and he never actuslly puts up enough resistence for it to stick. Even when the other's were stuffing plastic down his throat and he told them he thought it may kill him Grian still did it and told the other's he *liked* it when pushed. Eventually he got out of it by running on Rowan's command and no sooner than being told to get out of there. When Sam found him again Grian immediately even reverted back to doing as he was told and cowering away from him in obvious fear up until Okami and Rowan showed up and shoved Grian behind them. Then he *still went home that night* knowing Sam would be there. When they found Taurtis it was pretty clear that Grian was hoping Taurtis would help him once he got his memory back however when instructed to stop telling Taurtis who he was Grian for the most part did aside from subtle pushing about the familiarity of certain things and then later when Taurtis got his memory back and made it pretty clear he wasn't going to help Grian? Grian conceded. He spent a good few minutes arguing about everything he'd gone through- everything they both had- and insisting it wasn't okay but when Taurtis made it pretty clear he wasn't going to do anything and they collectively agreed Grian was the real problem? Grian kinda...stopped. When Taurtis made it clear he wasn't going to be helping, Grian just kinda fell back into their normal routine with the other's, and when Sam demanded an 'apology soda' from Grian for what he'd apparently done, Grian bought it for him saying "If that's what it takes for things to go back to normal".

Let's also look at Grian's involvement with the law during/shortly-after the Halloween situation. When Sam and Yuki dragged him to join the Yakuza he was upset and objected anxiously but caved as soon as he got pushback. When Sam wanted to steak from the Yakuza he once again got objections from Grian who nervously insisted that it was a terrible idea but once again Sam shoved aside Grian's complaints and once again Grian just kinda fell into place despite being upset. When the police also started threatening the trio's lives to work for them, Grian objected. He questioned if they were allowed to do that and was very openly not happy about any of it, however he very quickly submitted under pressure. Both times Grian was locked in solitary confinement he loudly protested his sanity and both times he voiced how disturbing it was on a really deep level being locked up like that but both times when he was let out he just went with the other two again and let them brush it all off- even knowing full well they let him out to be *death fodder*. He just went with them relatively quietly save for maybe a token remark or two. Honestly the large majority of this bs Grian was involved with was under physical threat and he almost always bent under it. Even down to his fight with Pie over Ellen. Pie showed up and started challenging their relationship. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki insisted they have a knife fight. Grian said *no*. Pie said yes. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki affirmed there would be a knife fight. Grian objects more. Everyone else present discusses how the knife fight will work. Grian gets stabbed. Grian suggests they just ask Ellen who they want to date *obviously*. Ellen chooses nobody and leaves. Grian was upset but then just kinda accepts it and goes on with what the whole group was doing before.

And just to round this out with one more example. The Starwars Cosplay Incident. Apparently Sam burst into Grian's room, undressed him, shoved him into Leia Cosplay complete with fake boobs, and locked him in the basement for three days. Grian sits there for three days until Taurtis rescues him.  Grian has a moment of being rightfully very angry and finally even tries to physically attack Sam, demanding to know if Taurtis is aware of what Sam did to him and insisting that they can't expect everything to be fine now. Except it kinda...was. Taurtis stopped Grian from attacking Sam, they both brushed it off as a joke and not a big deal, and then they went to school. And Grian just *went*. He walked with the other two, he wore the outfit Sam put him in, and he just kinda moved on. Grian would later object when the clones tried to pull him out of class, snapping that he just wants to learn and get an education like a normal person and demanding to know why he's not allowed to. But he goes! And when he's released he walks right back to Sam and Taurtis, makes some bitter remarks to them, and let's them shove it all aside as if it's unimportant. Later when it's Grian, Sam, and a member of school staff alone in the closet, some innapropriate remarks are made to Grian. He very quickly says he's reporting the remarks made by school staff but Sam tells him not to be rude and it doesn't seem Grian ever does. Later on when Geode makes a comment about Grian's outfit as well Sam and Taurtis start pondering *giving* Grian to them. Grian repeatedly said *no* but with a lot more despair than defiance and we don't even know if he'd have actually followed through with fighting back if they'd tried to actually give him away because they were interrupted before the situation got to that point. Grian once again just let the other's move on as if that didn't happen and continued following them around, though! And he wore that damn outfit he was very explicitly uncomfortable with. All day.

Which is kinda all to say that when it comes to fighting back Grian is a lot more bark than bite.

Grian throws out a lot of bitter remarks, makes his objections very apparent in most things, and even has more than one vitriolic rant to his abuser(s) throughout the series. But that layer of his responses to things is so fragile that it tends to fall away within minutes- if that, sometimes *seconds*.

Of course ive seen other people take note of this and argue that it means Grian actually *wants* to do these thingd he's objecting to but I think that's silly. If it were just things like group crime or violent acts then id possibly see it but Grian puts up the same kind of response to having plastic shoved down his throat and to being locked in the basement for days which there's no way in hell he was any kind of okay with. The more likely scenario here isn't that he secretly wanted to do any of these things and made his resistence weak so he could pretend he tried while still doing it.

The likely scenario here is that his fight response is much more for show than one would think. Because Grian's strongest most influential response to things really never seems to be to fight. Aggression is really hardly Grian's overall stance on handling a distressing situation.

Much more frequently you see the most influence coming from completely other instinctive responses.

Looking for outside help in adults, friends, and classmates like when Okami and Rowan protected him during his time dressed as Taurtis or when Grian tried desperately to get Taurtis to be on his side and help him after Sam seriously hurt him both when Taurtis first got his memory back after Halloween and when Taurtis found Grian in the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident, hell, even during his fight with Pie it can be argued that Grian calling for them to just ask Ellen was an appeal to outside help as he hoped Ellen would agree to end the fight and save him from the situation as a result.

Running away- or trying to at least- from the threat. Most notably seen back during the halloween incident when he quite literally ran out the back of the gym and hid from Sam+Yuki then hiding behind Okami and Rowan when they showed up in an attempt to flee from Sam which is how he got away from the other's at all during that situation. Grian's consistent need to exclaim every so often how much he wants to go back to Europe is a subtler example of this, though, of Grian's urge to get away.

Honestly though being quiet and moving as he's directed seems to be the most common winning response. You see little sparks of reaction from him but most of the time Grian is just quiet, nervously laughing, following Taurtis and Sam around in what they ask of him, and even outright appeasement strategies to maintain a calm environment. This is So common from Grian. This is what usually wins out. His quiet nervous laughter and agreeing with Sam when Taurtis is first stabbed. The fact that he didn't tell the police what Sam did when alone with them during questioning and then immediately walked to meet up with Sam and went to school with Sam+Yuki with literally no objections. The fact that he didn't say no like *at all* to putting on the Taurtis outfit in the name of not making things awkward and complied within seconds of first being asked. How he proceeded to do what he was asked all day and didn't make any move to get away until Rowan outright instructed him to run. The fact that he went back! The fact that he went along with it when they joined the Yakuza and when they stole from the Yakuza and when they joined up with the cops and when they *forced him into a knife fight*. How Grian eventually just lost his spark of defiance after Taurtis first got his memories back and made it clear he wasn't helping Grian, with Grian agreeing to buy Sam a fucking *apology soda* if it meant things would go back to normal after hearing everyone else agree that *he* was the problem in all he'd been put through. The way he just goes back to following Sam and Taurtis after they got him locked in solitary confinement on blatant lies because they *wanted* to. The way he walks around school with the other two while wearing cosplay that made him feel gross and uncomfortable that Sam had literally physically forced onto him and just went along with what he was told in the end.

Grian always puts up a fight but not a good one. He makes side comments, he makes objections, he even has more than one emotional rant about the hell he's put through, however this never wins out in the end and this presenting fight is very frequently just barely holding down much stronger freeze and fawn instincts that usually win out pretty damn quick.

Which!!! In a situation like Grian's it actually makes significantly more sense to have strong freeze and fawn responses than to have a strong fight response! I mean, think about it. A fight response is primarily useful in scenarios in which it's possible to take strong action to remove the threat. You're attacked by a dog so you throw stuff at it till it backs away. You're picked on by an upperclassman so you punch em' in the nose expecting fully that they'll leave you be after. Someone attacks you while you're walking home so you try and stab them with your key. Fighting is an incredibly good response for random/one time attacks. If you're ever kidnapped you wanna scream and punch and kick and make a scene so they can't take you to a secondary location. You fight. Fighting is optimal for unexpected stranger conflicts. That's not the situation Grian's in though. Grian suffers from serious long term physical, emotional, and financial abuse. He's in a country he doesn't have residency or family in, he doesn't have a readily available source of income, he doesn't have his own mode of transportation, it seems that most of the time he doesnt have a clear way home, he's often dealing with long term friends of his and seemingly his biggest source of support prior to this situation, even back in Europe he doesn't have much support system to run to given his parents canonically left him, he's frequently under threat of physical danger, etc. This is not the kind of situation in which an intense primary fight response helps. This is the type of situation in which an intense primary fight response either gets you seriously hurt or wandering the streets with no way to provide for yourself. It would likely be similar if he presented an intense primary flight response to be honest. In long term abuse situations where there's no rational way of escaping safely or no rational place to escape to? Often the primary responses that promote survival are fawn and freeze. Appeasing the aggressor or sinking into the background. Those are your ways to stay alive when you can't expect to 'win' or escape. It absolutely makes more sense for Grian to have primary fawn and freeze responses than a primary fight response.

But then why does he present so much hostility? What's with all the bitter remarks and the attempts to voice objections and the occasional overt insults/screaming? How does a fawn/freeze response present as fight when first pressed at?? Well fun fact, I have experience with that kind of presentation because I *was* that kind of presentation. Oh boy did I try to push strong fight responses towards my abusive father with token resistences and petty remarks even though most of the time I crumpled under the slightest pressure and spent my time ignoring the problem or dissociating or trying very hard to avoid future conflicts. You put up a token front of fight even if that's never going to be your primary response for the sake of your own mental health, really. To assure the world- and *you*- knows that you don't *want* this situation. So you can say you tried. Out of some misguided hope that your attempted bravado won't be seen through and that maybe this time they'll just stop pushing instead of calling the bluff. Which. Makes sense with Grian as well. I mean looking at the times he really truly goes off before reverting back to a more appeasing stance, most notably his rants from when Taurtis first got his memory back as well as from when he got out of the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident. Most of those rants were taken up by Grian loudly and passionately reiterating what he'd been through, insisting he was the victim, and calling Sam an awful person before the defiance fades out and he becomes more willing to just go about their day. It's one attempted push hoping the other parties present will vie in his favour and a reassertion that he's not okay with this and that *he* is being hurt which gives way within minutes to a much duller attitude. That's just a painfully familiar format. Adding on Grian's token objections/passive aggressive remarks to many situations that distress him and how quickly those objections give way as dismissed by others. That kind of behaviour feels strongly like an attempt to preserve your own mental wellbeing as much as possible with the knowledge that you tried to some extent and with just generally hearing out loud that you are the victim even if from yourself. Grian's behaviour just really feels like a facade of defiance to cover up general helplessness which makes a Lot of sense for the scenario. Probably more than just plain defiance would.

[yesimwriting]

Hi! I have been having an off day I’m kinda exhausted and anxious slightly snappy haha. I was wondering how would the darkling react to an anxious reader that he cares about. 😊

a/n ive been a little MIA but im working i promise!! i felt really apathetic about writing for awhile bc of some personal stuff but ive been trying to get back into it bc im genuinely happier when i write :)

--

- ok so i think how he reacts to an anxious person that he cares about depends on where you're at in the relationship,, which might be kinda a 'duh' but it needs to be said for how im setting this up lol

- bc if he's kinda just starting to figure out his feelings, i think he'd be so surprised by how much he cares that he has to hold back his immediate reactions, bc he may have his faults but he's def protective once he realizes something is affecting/hurting the person he sees as the sun

- that protectiveness stems from wanting to be what makes you happy, he wants to feel like he's your shelter so that he feels like he's good enough for you. He wants you to be happy so he can feel your warmth but he also really wants the redemptive feeling that comes from knowing that he's your protector in a way.

- he wants to protect and make you happy so bad, sometimes you need to be like 'umm...i really appreciate that you want to torture the person that bumped into me a little too hard on a bad day,, but maybe let's not??' especially if you are still in that phase where he kinda scares/intimidates you bc you know him more as the General

- not only are his more over the top reactions a little scary bc you don't want to offend him by not wanting to talk about it to avoid blowing the situation up,, they're also confusing

- bc you had no idea he cared if you lived or died let alone cared if you were nervous or not?? but sometimes it makes you feel really comforted, bc if someone as hardened as the darkling can care that much about how youre feeling than you can't be as awful as you're feeling

- and it's also comforting bc he's clearly strong and powerful and when he puts a hand on your shoulder and stares at you like you're the only tangible thing in the world and telling you that he's not going to let anything happen to you,, the rational part of your anxiety is appeased to say the least.

- alright but that's at like the first stage of the relationship for him, bc i feel like he def has like twenty stages he goes through before finally being in a committed relationship bc even though he wants an attachment and love so badly bc he hates his eternal loneliness, he has a lot of layers to work through before he feels secure enough in you as a person to risk vulnerability

- so if he's at the point where he's accepted what he feels for you,, but has yet to really act on it, this is where he starts to give himself away a little

- like you'll mention being stressed about training in the Little Palace, or not getting along with someone and he immediately jumps to encouraging you. It's kinda funny bc at first he seems like he's just trying to be a supportive pal bc at this point ur sorta friendly (at least more friendly than anyone else is with the darkling) but then he kinda losses himself in talking about how amazing you are.

- and if youre feeling anxiety/bad bc of someone in particular, you better not mention their name unless you're 100 percent sure you're furious at them.

- sometimes it causes some strain bc you don't necessarily want him to get involved, and he's not above lowkey guilting you into telling him the full story, but it's not really intentional. He just starts talking about how much trust he puts in you and you just let the little things go after making him promise to leave things alone.

- if your anxiety is general,, or just bc of a. bunch of little things and he's at a point in which he's accepted how much he cares about you but has not told you yet,, he'll try to hide how soft he feels, but sometimes he slips up.

- honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if a really big relationship milestone came from that.

- like you crying one night and the darkling finding you, and then him taking you back to your room and promising to stay so that you don't have to feel alone and then the next morning you wake up and he's holding you

- at first ur like ?? but he acts so normal you're like maybe that can be platonic? but then it starts happening more and more and neither of you mention it and then when you two finally do get together youre like 'ohh? im stupid'

- and if your anxiety comes from your worry about him?? wow--he'll have to stop himself from kissing you

- this is a man who is so used to being hated/feared that the concept of someone worrying about him so much they physically don't feel well?? that would hit him STRAIGHT in the chest, and he'd be so quick to pull you to him, and then you'd be like--are you ok??

- wouldn't be surprised if that's how you found out he had feelings for you,, like he'd say something like "i didnt know the brightest star in the sky could want to protect the darkness instead of banish it. You're the brightest light I've ever known, it was more than enough for me that you weren't repulsed by my darkness...and now..."

- anyways,, if you were already established together and you were anxious, he would have no need to hold back

- if he notices your hesitant to let him 'help' he might do a thing or two to reduce sources of your stress without telling you...which sometimes leads to you getting a little mad, but depending on how extreme his actions were, he normally smoothes it over quickly

- i mean,, it's just how he shows that he cares, he's never had someone that could snap their fingers and get rid of his adversaries or reschedule a thing or two to make his life easier

- he sees no harm in it,, and even though sometimes other people may give you a bit of a hard time bc of his evident favoritism,, you know it just means he cares

- if he goes really far, you're more willing to be mad at him, but honestly when youre upset all you want is to be near him bc there's nothing more comforting,, so you agree to hold off on arguing lol

- i mean there are always lines that get crossed, so there are times he cant charm himself out of your anger, but the longer youre together the more he tries to hold off on doing things that make you really angry,, unless he feels like the person really hurt you, then nothing can stop his anger

- if youre actually together he's much more quick to comfort you physically if youre feeling really anxious,, he'll kiss you everywhere until he's all you can think about, which works for when your anxious over small things

- if your problem is larger, he cant exactly kiss it away though i cant say that doesnt help but it's still comforting and relaxing bc duh,, so i feel like he's really touchy if youre upset

- kissing sometimes leads to other stuff,, but that should be its own fic/headcanon bc i have a secret head cannon that feeling needed or like the only one his partner has is a turn on for him bc it returns some of the power he feels like he gives up by letting his partner care about him

- might have to write that fic now that im thinking about it....

- if youre so anxious you dont want to be touched, it'll be a little harder for him, but if he reaches for you and you back away he'll try to talk you down and remind you that he's not going to let anything happen and as long as he's breathing he'll make sure you're okay

- if youre officially together and youre anxious about something small, he's actually surprisingly nice to talk to,, before you were close you felt like you were bothering him with small, insignificant things,, but once you know that he cares about you he's a patient listener bc he likes being really present with you when he can bc he's busy so often

- sometimes if youre worried or upset he jumps to anger towards the object of your distress before comfort, but once youre at the dating part, you know that that's just how he is, and anger is how he shows love in a way?? lol, so you just have to clearly tell him that you'd rather him stay with you then rush out and like smite someone, he'll stop and comfort you

- sometimes how much he cares makes him angry at himself bc he begins to question if he'd pick you/your happiness over his goal, if he can't convince himself that you'd never get in the way of that, he gets a little cold until he feels assured in his loyalties or at least assured in the fact that your happiness would never conflict with his goals

- that can happen at any point in your relationship,, i feel like it'd happen more when he's unsure about his feelings bc seeing how much he cares about someone that's nothing to him makes him want to banish his nerves

- overall though,, once he cares about you, whether he's fully accepted it or not, he'd burn the world down to make you feel okay again,, or stay in bed with you for awhile, or both--whatever you want, really

[bepp-ers]

“Ok. So ive read fanfics and headcanons of yandere!Diavolo basically getting with MC to annoy or make Lucifer jealous. What if MC feels like Diavolo is doing this and try to say no whenever Dia tries to ask them out? Hes the the future king and rarely gets told no. I feel like he wouldnt accept MC's refusal.”

Yandere!Diavolo x MC. Thanks beautiful anon for requesting. And it ended up being gender neutral because it just did. Also ever so slight Barbatos x Reader too bc i errr simp-- Enjoy lovelies! <3

TW: Kidnapping, warnings of physical abuse, deceit, emotional manipulation, Diavolo being a bitch

“Are you afraid?”

You were seriously annoyed. Living in the Devildom, fun right? 

Apparently not with the Prince around. Diavolo was nice, you supposed but very much arrogant. 

So here you were, faced with yet another proposition. 

“Look, Diavolo you’re nice but once again it’s got to be a no. Please understand that, I mean no disrespect.” You were a bit nervous, the way his eyes narrowed and his smug smile widened.

“Of course. But one day maybe you will give me a chance.” You forced a smile and turned to leave, wanting to return back to the house of lamentation.

- 

“Oooh, MC you’re in a bad mood! What’s wrong?” As you walked into the kitchen to grab a drink, you heard Asmo quip at you.

“Nothing, nothing, I’m just tired...” You leant on the counter and sighed. “Come now, we both know it’s something more than that. You can tell me!”

“Fine, it’s Diavolo again.” “Eh? Again?” “Yep. He keeps asking me to be with him, and I’m almost certain it’s to make Lucifer jealous.” 

Asmo tapped his chin in thought. “Hm, well that is a problem. I can’t help you, although you’re super lucky to have the future King after you. Maybe Lucifer can help?”

You blinked. “Hey that’s not a bad idea. Thanks Asmo!”

You hopped down from the counter and left, to hopefully find some help on the situation.

-

Knock knock!

“Enter.” You quietly stepped into Lucifer’s study, where he was doing goodness knows what.

“Ah, MC. Need something?” You sank into one of the chairs and sighed. “I need you to talk to Diavolo for me.”

The scratching of the pen stopped at once and Lucifer fixed you with a look. “Pardon?”

“I meant what I said. I have utmost respect for Diavolo, but at the moment he seems... He won’t take my ‘no’ for an answer in being his partner. And he won’t listen to me, so I was hoping you could talk to him?”

Lucifer paused for a moment, taking in the information. 

“I see. So, you want me to discuss with Diavolo why you don’t wish to be his partner?” “Please.” “Very well. Next week’s student council meeting will--”

“I need you to do it as soon as you can.” Lucifer gave you a small smile. “MC, I appreciate the concern but I can assure you Diavolo means no harm. He is simply not used to being refused something.”

You stood up, and shook your head. “You don’t understand... Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.” 

With that, you left.

After closing the door in annoyance, you groaned, heading back to your room. It was unfair! No one saw the urgency of the situation!

‘Who else can I talk to...? Lucifer will only talk to him next week, and I don’t think any of the brothers would want to talk to him...’

An idea popped into your head, and you grabbed your D.D.D.

Scrolling through your contacts you clicked on a fairly unused one. 

Riiing... Riiing.... Click!

“MC. What a pleasant call.” 

“Hey, Barbatos. Listen, I need to talk to you about something, but I’d prefer to do it in person.” “That is completely fine. Would you like to come over tomorrow?”

You sighed in some relief. “Yeah, yeah that’s brilliant. Thanks.” “It’s no problem. I’ll escort you, if you’d like.” “Mm, thanks Barbatos. See you tomorrow.”

You hung up and grinned. Why hadn’t you thought of that before? Barbatos could help for sure... right?

-

In the morning, at breakfast you informed the brothers of where you’d be going.

“So what are you doing today, MC? You could come with me to Devil’s Kitchen-” “Or you could come buy a matching outfit with me for Devilgram!” “Yeah, or they could stay in and play the new game with me? Only if they wanted, of course-!”

You chuckled at the brothers bickering. “Actually I’m going out today, so I can’t join any of you.”

“Oh? And where are you going?” “To spend some time with Barbatos actually.” “Huh?! Why are you hanging out with that butler?” “Mammon, jealousy isn’t a good look for you.”

“I just thought I would, because I don’t spend much time with him. He’s picking me up soon.” “Oh! Is MC going on a date?” “I very much doubt that, Asmo.”

You gave Asmo a side glare and stood up from the table. “I just want to talk to him, that’s all. I’ve gotta get ready, catch you later.”

-

“Alright, see you guys later! If I’m not back by this evening assume I’m dead. See you!” You stepped out of the building with Barbatos and he gave you that oh-so-polite smile of his.

“MC, you look nice. So what is you wished to discuss?” With one graceful flick of his hand, Barbatos had both of you transported to the Demon Lord’s castle.

It wasn’t the first place you’d wanted to go to, but if the time was spent with Barbatos on his own then it would be fine.

“Well, actually it’s about Diavolo- No, before you say I don’t want to talk to him about this. Believe me, I’ve tried.” You leant back into 

Barbatos pursed his lips and glanced to the side. “I believe I know what this is about. Excuse my manners, I haven’t offered you anything. Some tea?” 

“Oh, thanks.” He nodded courteously and stood up, leaving for a moment.

You glanced around, taking in the grand carvings in the gold ceilings, and how everything from the paintings to the threads of the cushion you were leaning on had some air of royalty to them.

“Here you are MC. I hope it is to your liking?” “Mm.” “Wonderful. Now, about your concerns. This is about My Lord’s... advances, isn’t it?”

You nodded, and sipped your cup of hot tea.

“No need to say anything, I completely understand. My Lord is a wonderful demon, he’s just new to this kind of thing. But I understand why you are uncomfortable, and I will talk to him about it, if you’d like?”

“You will?” “Of course, I’d be more than happy to oblige. MC, are you feeling well? You look a little pale.” He suddenly commented, and you noticed a strange feeling in your temple.

“Ah- now that you mention it, I feel kind of... tired... Wait- Barbatos what’s in this tea...?” You trailed off, your delicate cup clattering to the ground.

“I’m so sorry, MC. Out of all the futures I’ve seen, yours was one of the brightest until you came here... I truly am sorry.” Remorse welled in his teal eyes and you slipped forwards, sleep overtaking you.

Gloved hands caught you swiftly, but you didn’t know what happened after that. You could only imagine Barbatos carrying you to the grand room, removing your D.D.D from your possession and glacing wistfully back at you as he locked the door.

-

“Ahh, you’re finally awake! It’s so lovely to see your bright eyes again.” ‘That voice, it can’t be...’

Your worst fears had come true. Here you were, just woken up in the lap of the demon Prince himself. ‘Angels save me...’

“What... Diavolo..?” “Yours truly. How do you feel, darling? Terribly sorry about getting you here, Barbatos was rather reluctant about the whole plan but seeing the future is such a nifty trick, eh?”

You scrambled out of his loose grip and hunched up to the head board, golden like everything else in this fucking castle.

“You- he- He tricked me! Let me go, you can’t keep me here!” “I think you’ll find I can, being the future King and all. Come now, what’s with that expression?”

You glared at him, eyes fixated on sending a look of pure hatred. “You’re a monster. I told you I didn’t want you. You can’t just kidnap someone if they don’t requite your feelings!”

“Can’t I? You don’t seem to be correct, this time.” “You bastard!” You cried, and jumped off the bed, sprinting towards the door. 

Of course it was locked, but that wouldn’t stop you from banging on it and screaming. “Barbatos, Barbatos please help me!”

“I’m afraid that won’t help you, MC. Barbatos is my servant after all, and a servant cannot disobey his master. As for you...”

You heard him stride across the room, and you turned to face him- only to wish you hadn’t.

“Are you afraid, MC?”

Diavolo’s usually wide smile had been replaced by a sinister grin, and he had changed into his demon form- a truly terrifying sight to behold.

“Not going to answer me? That’s okay, I don’t need you to.” You pressed yourself against the door, ready for some kind of agony, but it never came.

Instead, he picked you up and sat back on the bed, nestling you on his lap once more.

“I must say, it’s better when you don’t fight back.” You couldn’t move. You were genuinely paralysed. 

All you could do was whatever he wanted, evidently. 

“What... did you do to me...?!” “What an accusation, MC. I simply made the situation more enjoyable, wouldn’t you say?”

“The brothers will find me... The angels will find me too... You won’t get away with this..!” You hissed as he pressed gentle kisses to your neck, content.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. After all, they’ll be too sad to find that you left them, without even saying goodbye.”

“W-what?! I would never.... You cruel bastard!” Your eyes welled with tears, and he carefully wiped them away with his thumb.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You have me, right darling?” “I don’t want you!” “We’ll have to work on that, but that’s okay... but that’s okay, if it’s for you!”

“Don’t... don’t touch me.” He sighed, pulling you closer to his chest and ran his hand through your hair.

“I suppose if you keep denying me, there will be consequences, but I’m sure you’ll be a good little human and keep quiet, right?”

--

haha this was long. and i may or may not be working on yandere! simeon and solomon right now so uhhhh shhh. i’m not a huge fan of Diavolo but the dynamic is fun. see you soon lovelies <3 

-Bepp

[azucanela]

chapter iv

pairing: bakugou katsuki x fem!reader

summary: the internet is enamored with the idea of y/n l/n and bakugou katsuki, two renowned pro heroes, dating. the first issue? the pair rarely interacts. the second issue? apparently, they hate each other, not that anyone knows about that bit. of course, after one night of many mistakes, the whole world knows.

warnings: mentions of blood. violence. injuries. cursing. 

word count: 2k

[series masterlist] [wattpad] [ao3]

THIS HAS TO BE A DREAM. Y/N really doesn’t want to be dealing with this right now, this is literally the last thing she wants to be dealing with right now. She has half the mind to just disappear into the shadows using Telen’s quirk, seeing as she hadn’t returned it yet. 

‘Returned’ probably isn’t the best way to put it, after all he can still use his quirk but… she’s never really had a different way to explain it. But, Y/N is capable of using his quirk until she’s returned it to him, meaning his pain is hers and so is his quirk for the time being. Not that it matters right now, because she’s currently staring down Bakugou, who looks just as shocked as she does. 

“What are you doing here?” She finally asks, scowling. 

In response, Bakugou is rolling his eyes, allowing the door to shut behind him. “You don’t own this café,” he grumbles out.

That was actually incorrect, Y/N had bought the set of buildings on this street to make sure that the café wouldn’t go out of business, she was sentimental in that manner Meaning she technically had authorization to kick him out, something Bakugou seems to catch onto as his eyes narrow at her, “of course you do.” 

Y/N scoffs, looking away from him, “only legally. I have too much respect for Rosalyn to tell her what to do with her business.” She waves him off, “they’re getting something from the back, you’ll have to wait.” Y/N finds that she’s wishing she had a little bit less respect for Rosalyn, because maybe then she would have the guts to kick Bakugou out.

Bakugou says nothing, simply eyeing Y/N as he moves to grab a bag of chips from the stand, awkwardly standing by the cash register he waited for them to return. Of course, Y/N had a feeling they wouldn’t be returning anytime soon at this point. She wouldn’t be shocked if Lily had done something to make this happen, all to torture Y/N.

Although Lorelai might consider this the perfect time to apologize, Y/N finds it her personal hell. And she’s fairly sure Bakugou has the same sentiments as she begins to tap her foot rhythmically against the floor. The space is silent aside from that, and Y/N almost wishes a stranger would come in and end her misery.

A sudden pain courses through her, and Y/N’s brows furrow as her mouth gapes open slightly, hand coming to her stomach, though her thoughts are interrupted as Bakugou snaps, “could you quit tapping your damn foot?”

And Y/N does stop, but not because he asked, instead to say, “you can always leave.” There’s a sarcastic smile on her face as she glances at him, preparing to continue tapping her foot despite the throbbing that had appeared in her leg as well. 

If Y/N had to guess, something had happened to Telen. But that wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary in hero work, and given how high profile Hawks’ agency was, they had a healer on call. She had no doubt that whatever injury he’d somehow sustained, he would be fine. And yet, Y/N can’t help the frown that washes over her, a certain fear and anxiety that definitely doesn’t belong to her suddenly drowning her senses. 

Y/N is about to make a phone call when she hears Bakugou, “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

She’s about to make some sort of witty comment in response, only to see that he’s looking outside, where the presence of paparazzi has become apparent. Though they hadn’t started their mobs yet, any trained Pro Hero was well aware when they were being followed. Despite attempts to hide, Y/N could easily see that there were several people hidden throughout the area, trying to catch pictures of the famed Y/N L/N and Bakugou Katsuki together.

They were probably hoping the pair would start arguing, maybe even get into a physical fight knowing Bakugou. Though, if that did happen, Y/N was fairly sure Lorelai would have her head. 

That and the fact that the shippers on Twitter were going to love this. But Y/N certainly wasn’t, scoffing as she came to a stand, “did they follow you here?” Her tone is accusatory, she knows that. But if Y/N is honest, she has no shame being upfront about her emotions with Bakugou, not anymore. 

He glares at her once more in response, placing his order down more roughly than necessary, “obviously not. If anything it was you they followed here.”

Y/N comes to a stand, inhaling deeply as she reminds herself that she and Bakugou are currently the stars of the show that is the media. Everyone who's anyone, and anybody that’s a nobody wants to bear witness to their interactions if it means advancing their career. And Y/N has no intent of further damaging her reputation, or giving the media the easy way out.

Though she wouldn’t mind putting an additional dent in Bakugou’s already horrid reputation, there were bigger things than that. And at the end of the day, they were stuck together for the time being, until things died down that is.

So, Y/N finds herself heading over to the counter with her items in hand– discarding them behind the register to make sure that Lily would hold onto them for her— before looking to Bakugou, “we need to leave, now.”

Bakugou is frowning, eyes falling on his order, but he simply nods as he returns his gaze to Y/N, “and how do you suppose we do that?”

While she’s grateful he elected not to argue— probably because he’s well-aware of his own dwindling reputation and wants to salvage whatever he can, like the selfish bastard he is— Y/N finds herself narrowing her eyes at him, simply turning around and gesturing for him to follow her, “come with me.”

“What, we can’t just go out the front door?” 

She’s not shocked by his proposition, though Y/N is also aware that Bakugou isn’t a fool. He may be impulsive at times, and extremely confrontational to a fault, but he was not an idiot. Even if he seemed to be just some annoying brute.

Y/N glances back at Bakugou, looking to him incredulously, “the moment we step outside, we will be bombarded with questions.” A bitter laugh escapes her, “and we both know how you’ll probably respond to that.”

“Oh so this is my fault?” He asks, taking a few steps closer. 

Bringing a hand to her temple, Y/N looks up to him, “we don’t have time for this.” Comes her response, “either you come with me, or I leave without you.”

With that, Y/N turns on her heel, hand shoved into her pocket as she pulls out a set of keys and begins to flip through them in search of the right one. She can feel Bakugou’s eyes on her as she finally finds the right key, the one that leads to the hallway behind the second staff door. Most people don't have access because if you take a wrong turn you’ll end up in the studio apartment of the owners. But, if you continue down the hallway, there’s an exit into the alleyway that Y/N intended to take.

Finally, she pushes the door open. Y/N doesn’t bother to look back as she steps inside the hallway, dimly lit, in fact some of the lights are even flickering. But she can see the bright red ‘EXIT’ sign not too far away. 

Y/N doesn’t hear the door click shut, and with a sigh she turns back to see Bakugou had planted his foot in the door, kicking it open while his hands remained shoved into his pockets. Wordlessly, he stepped inside, and Y/N simply returned her gaze to the exit.

Until another spike of pain coursed through her. Her steps falter, though Y/N manages to catch herself on the wall, hand planted firmly there as she inhales deeply. 

To be fair, the average person would’ve passed out from the pain by now, and Y/N didn’t have her hero suit to help cushion the blows of pain nor was she necessarily prepared for sudden pain— she wasn’t in battle. Though her pain tolerance is high enough that it's manageable.

Bakugou seems to notice, no— he definitely notices. Looking to her pensively as he pauses behind her, Y/N doesn’t want to meet his eyes as she huffs, pushing off the wall. “Let’s go.” 

He says nothing, and Y/N is grateful as they continue down the hall.

It’s a short walk to the actual exit, but Y/N’s head is pounding so she doesn’t really notice anything out of the ordinary until Bakugou’s arm comes to stop her. She bumps into it, frowning as she looks up to him ready to speak in protest, to yell at him for touching her— though there's no skin to skin contact so she doesn’t really have much to worry about yet. 

Until she realizes blood is coming from under the door. Evidently, she had a lot to worry about.

Y/N looks up to Bakugou, offering him a nod that he returns. A silent communication between the pair which brings Bakugou to press his separate hand against the door, brows drawing together before he rapidly pushes the door open and the pair steps out into the alley.

And there lies the body of Pro Hero Telen. Y/N recognizes him instantly, and it makes sense given how badly her body is throbbing with pain. 

Her mouth gapes open, but Y/N is no fool as her back meets Bakugou’s, each of them surveying the area for the hero’s attacker. 

But there’s no one to be found. 

Y/N looks back to Bakugou, who simply nods, prompting Y/N to drop to her knees despite the blood that begins to seep through her clothes. Eyes falling on Telen as a hand comes to his chest. Nobody has ever died while Y/N was using their power, and if Y/N had to guess, Telen was still alive. There was no need for her to check for a pulse, simple as that. 

“He’s alive. Call for backup.”

When Bakugou doesn’t reply, Y/N turns, and she can see the explosions sparking in his palms but there are no enemies nearby. But Y/N recognizes the look on his face, the frustration, the anger. But he’s not angry with anyone other than himself right now. 

“Bakugou.” She repeats, an attempt to pull him out of his thoughts. They don’t have time to be distracted right now. While the attacker clearly isn’t around right now, there was a possibility he’d return. Not that Y/N was too worried, if they had any sense of bloodlust, she’d notice them.

He inhales sharply, simply nodding stiffly once more before pulling out his phone. But all Bakugou can think about is the fact that the Stain Copycat was here, and they’d targeted a member of Hawks’ Agency. The Number 2 Hero. Which meant whoever it was, they were getting bolder, and even worse, two of the best upcoming Pro Heroes were just next door and they hadn’t even noticed.

Even if the new Hero Killer had failed to finish the job, it didn’t matter. This would be a sign to all. A bad one. A message even. It felt as though this copycat was mocking him with every move. 

The only thing that Y/N can think about, is how dark this alley is, how easy it should’ve been for Telen to escape from his attacker. Which can only mean one of two things, the perpetrator had done something to prevent Telen from escaping into the shadows. Or, it was someone he trusted enough that he hadn’t felt the need to. Not until it was too late, that is. 

This was a problem. A big problem.

note: short but eventful chapter? and look at me go, updating on an actual schedule thats a first!

[beann-e]

-tried to make it a bit long so you could enjoy , happy birthday I hope you have a fun day 🥺

Celebrating your birthday

Goshiki

- you always praised goshiki ever since youd been dating you would tell him how amazing he was , how he was the best player on his team , encourage the way he talked badly about his opposing teams ace saying his was much better and he’d be even more awesome when he took ushijimas spot as ace

- goshiki has never felt like he’s done enough to be awarded your praise though he won’t tell you

- no not when you place kisses all over his face and on his red stained hands from hitting the ball so hard that night, applying moisturizer on his callouses he’d gotten from the constant beat down at practice or even just kissing him softly and whispering you got this in his ear the night before a game.

- For weeks youd been telling goshiki your birthday was coming up but why had he suddenly gone missing ? your boyfriend was MIA everyday since youd told him. He was always working late and coming home at 2 am walking through the house only to fall into bed and ignore the hugs you tried to provide for his tired body Him falling asleep as soon as you sighed and took it on your own accord to wrap your arms around his waist and pull him back into you

-It was enevitable that he would have a game on your birthday him explaining that he felt horrible and could happily ditch it your brain knowing that he would only be sad the whole day if you let him. No matter how much volleyball came in between you two for the last few weeks you’d still been adamant about wanting the best for him. You telling him with a smile you didn’t care what you did for your birthday as long as you spent it with him. though you did ask for your present to be what he always teased you about telling you that one day he would get you a seat on his teams bench so you could see him play up close.

- you never actually thought he’d do it. You thanking everyone as they walked past you on the bench gifting you your small happy birthdays before the match began

- your heart swelling everytime you saw your boyfriend make a point and it wasn’t until the last few seconds of the match that you felt something was off

The air swirled around you as your body felt a chill run through it your eyes making contact with your boyfriends as he looked away and jumped in the air his serious face focused on nothing other than that moment as the whistle sounded. His teammates eyes widened in shock as they held their mouths open goshikis eyes falling to his hands looking in amazement before he looked down and realized there was a body clinging to him yelling into his chest

Your loud cries falling from your mouth before you or anyone else could speak

“ YOU MADE THE LAST SHOT —A CROSS SHOT BABY — YOU WON THE GAME “

You’d never thought this is what would have made your day. Him blinking twice before he ran off the court trying to get you as far away from the cheers of his team and coach as he could

ignoring the protest from the referees that stated he couldn’t do it screaming at him that he had to say his thanks firsts.

he scooped you up in his arms kissing you harshly before pulling back to breathe heavily him half expecting to see a smile when he looked down at you only to see your face concentrated on the floor trying to understand all these past weeks him explaining it for you

“I was working —- working so hard on perfecting the cross shot for you baby “ his sweaty jersey clinging to him as he smiled widely at you who was spluttering nothing but small praises for him

“ every night after practice —I spent perfecting it so you could come here tonight and see i’m not a loser — that’s what I wanted to give you for your birthday I didn’t know what else to give you “

he felt his eyes trying to water as he wiped his wet jersey over his face “ your always saying how you want me to master what I love to do and I— i did it and I — I gifted it to you — and I just I love you so much — your so dedicated to me that you came here on your birthday and I “

“ I wanted nothing else all I wanted was to be with you — that’s all I wanted to do and seeing you perfect something that you’ve been trying to do since I met you is just “ you planted your head on his chest “ it’s amazing your so cool goshiki “

Your boyfriends head spinning rapidly when all your praises suddenly hit him now knowing the only thing that could make this better would be to show off that he’d just scored the last point and won the game for his team

He felt on top of the world right now he had his fine ass s/o wrapped around him like a teddy bear and he was being praised and told there was no one as cool as him in the world

His brain short circuited as the team tried to pull you away to stop feeding his ego until they just sighed and let goshiki tell them how much better of an ace he was gonna be than ushijima your eyes going hard on ushijima as you mumbled “ birthday “

your boyfriend not seeing the shake that ran through the taller males body at the one word that had been laced with so much malice and just a slight teasing to it as if daring him to diagree and as brutally honest as ushijima was he was not stupid

he shook his head up and down quickly only agreeing that goshiki did have a chance with a reassuring yes slipping out after. His hand immediately grabbing tendous arm to walk away in fear of you

Your birthday being made as you saw the male in front of you happy that’s all that mattered to you right now. This is what made your day your boyfriend working hard on something not only because of himself but because he wanted to impress you that was when you felt loved.

That was the best birthday present knowing you’d always be engraved in someone’s mind as the simple push — the person that helped them better what they couldn’t do on their own.

sakusa

-sakusa honestly didn’t know what to do for your birthday he knew anything you’d come up with he’d have to go out of his comfort zone so he was trying to mentally prepare himself for that fact alone 2 months prior to your birthday

- he wasn’t that surprised when you said that all you wanted for your birthday was to go out to eat lunch with your boyfriend at least once. Him rolling his eyes asking why you two couldnt just order takeout and he could buy you some dollar decorations and could pop a happy birthday pin on you and call it a day

- you only answering with a straight faced and voice monotoned “ we’ve had takeout 2 weeks in a row ‘kusa “

-“ and it was good—no ? we enjoyed our own house atmosphere and being alone yes ? “

-“ and it was cold because you made us clean off the table then switch the plates that the food came in then wash our hands then for the last step watch as we reheated it. His eyes rolling as he plopped on the couch agreeing to go out but only with setting rules and boundaries for himself on this small birthday party between you two

- you two would only go somewhere he knew they cleaned and wore gloves to cook. or even at least might wipe down the tables and somehwrr he would be comfortable with by knowing the owners

- which is how you two ended up at onigiri miya with osuma giving you guys a discount off -- which wasn’t that much may I say —- atsuma siting with suna while he snapped pictures posting them to the group chat with the caption ‘ our germbabies first day out ‘

- you sighing happily as you looked to your left and right oh yeah his other rule was the two tables next to you had to be pushed as far away from yours as possible because he wouldn’t go if you two were just going to be packed and seated in the middle of the restaurant with people he didn’t know

“ I hope your happy “ his tone was snappy and accusing as he gripped his mask away from his face directing his spoon under the mask slowly

“ ‘kusa come on take off your mask “

he grunted rolling his eyes at you “ havent you gotten enough “

“ please wanna see your pretty face “ he felt heat spread throughout his body and spread across his face as he muttered small protests and profanities at your words

the mask being pulled off and crumbled in his right hand looking at you heavily “ god anything else you want —want to take away my sanity too huh “ he laughed “ you’ve stripped away all my other safety precautions whats next “

you smiled happily voice slipping out excitedly knowing you’d scare him with your next request “ let’s go to the pool after lunch “ he felt his body tighten at your claim he hated to tell you he wasn’t going to do something on your birthday or to tell you no but

“ no “ he spat as his your brows furrowed “ havent you gotten enough — ive put myself close to — and directly in the line of death enough for you today “ he said staring at you from across the table

his own body jumping a bit when a person tried to walk over to him for a picture shaking his head and face made up in disgust at their maskless face and how they simply looked like they’d gotten dressed in the dark

“ god —look at this i’m ready to go—I can’t do this much longer my love your days over “

“ babe seriously you didn’t even give me a present“

he laughed as he stood up putting his mask back on and tucking the money for your lunch into the receipt given to him before raising his hand halfheartedly waving the waiter down and nodding his head at them before walking behind you hand placed on the small of your back directing you through the loud and rather messy crowd

“ you’ve gotten your present from me already “ he whispered “ you’ve gotten to see me maskless — in a crowded environment if I may add and you didn’t get sick so yay “

you laughed as he spoke again “ enjoy it cause you won’t get it again “ he tore his mask off smiling softly at you as you studied his face

it wasnt the fact that he wasn’t wearing his mask you’d already seen him maskless when you two were alone. What made your birthday was the fact he was willing to go so far out of his comfort zone for you.

He never would have just went out to a resteraunt and ate his food around others and allow others to cook his food without him seeing it done physically himself and making sure nothing bad was happening. much less him taking his mask off around other people — people he didn’t know

you couldn’t help but feel a flutter as you looked through the car window he was right you were enjoying this because you knew you would never get it again not until another birthday when you would have sukusa go out of his comfort zone time and time again just to remind you how much he truly loved you and would do anything to make your birthday a special day for you

lev

- lev is a child he likes doing fun things you were no different yourself and if you were you could always calm him down and assume the role of parenting but then again if you weren’t someone of maturity that could maybe explain why you two were in jail on your birthday.

- Kenma and kuroo outside your cell dressed up in pajamas kenmas game boy clicking away as the two stared into the cell kuroos eyes boring into your boyfriends kenma occasionally eyeing you a bit intrigued with this side of you he’d never seen before

-Kuroo taking the dad role while kenma whispered behind him about how lev was an idiot and you — he couldn’t say anything about you

-he just assumed that idiot lev here was the one who decided to go in an abandoned house and wreck the whole thing only to find out that you were the one who came up with it

-the original idea was for you two to do what you saw on a movie where a woman destroyed an old house no one used for fun and to let all her fustratuons out and since it was your birthday —not that it would have mattered if it wasn’t —lev would have still done it with you birthday or not but now since it was your birthday this gave him even more reason to show little to no hesitation to follow behind you

-Which is not what you two really needed from each other

-when you both went to town on the house even breaking the outer walls of the dirty building levs arms reaching the ceiling with every pull back of the hammer to the wall he made. You and lev looking at each other happily when you turned to see the woman at the screwed up houses threshold

-“ oh hey you must be here —we must of had the same idea “ you smiled even harder when she returned it only for your smile to drop when you watched her call 911 with a laugh telling them how she was gonna get so much money and be able to buy a new house and get out of this rundown neighborhood because of two stupid kids

-your body sweating and looking away when kuroo beat into him about it saying how he now had to talk the lady out of suing

-your eyes darting to kenmas all knowing ones when lev screamed that you came up with the idea earlier and really lev just didn’t want you to be sad on your birthday so he just simply followed behind kuroos claims because he loves you and honestly it originally sounded fun before the arrest

“ god y/n —legs here is an idiot but never expected him to bring you into this “ kenmas voice challenged you as he smirked softly at his game” huh always felt like it would have been the other way around when it came to who influenced who “ your body stiffened as a cough leaked out

“ huh “ kuroo looked dumbfounded at his friends words

“ nothing kuroo just perfect a match a—perfect match “

The ride home was long as you two thanked kuroo and kenma before you ran down the sidewalk looking back at lev “ there’s still an hour to my birthday “

lev smiled as he watched you get further into the distance “ which means “

“ tag “ you screamed him following “ Y/N WE JUST GOT ARRESTTED “

“ AND SOMEONE IN CANDA JUST PUKED UP RED BEANS — COME ON “ he found himself laughing you suited him so well he always loved having fun and everyday was fun with you

his body finally catching up to yours as he tagged you wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into his own body panting softly yours leaning back against his chest and looking up “ babe you see the stars “

you nodded at him smiling “ so pretty “

“ yeah really they are“

“ they always look so happy and beautiful and just bright—- they always make me feel calm at peace and just they settle my nerves “

he turned you to face him looking into your eyes as he smiled kissing you softly mouths moving to the tune of a song as he you smiled into the kiss head falling to his chest while he sighed in content in this moment

“ couldnt have described you better—“ your face went up in surprise that he thought those things about you “ happy birthday y/n”

[aquariusshadow]

Live!Blogging HSMTMTS s2x6

okay fiiiiiiiiinally ive been waiting all day to watch this.

so from what i've seen...i'm tentatively predicting that my new main ships will be portwell and ricky/therapy

lesssss goooooo

--

not if you liked them back kourt *wink wink* then its hard for you to see if they like you

oh north high again

i keep forgetting about this storyline

'village idiot'

idk why that made me laugh im sorry

omg imagine a legit group chat with seb and ej tho

someone write a chatfic about this please

portwell sitting next to eachother hehehe

'friendship' *gina looks at ricky* oh boy

asdlfjalhsdfjasdf

"im waiting for a sign" *camera pans to the exit sign*

so everyone that predicted the rose getting a song yall deserve your money's worth

ricky you fought for her to get in the show yet you cant let nini focus on her song for the show

wtf

i need to back this up

ive never done this before actually backing up an episode during a liveblog

"i can't believe you're finally back in the show yet you're spending saturday without me"

RICKY

SIR

MR SIR

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT

she needs to focus

you need to focus

so miss jenn and ricky's dad are finally going on a date

aight

big red and nini convooooooo yesss

i do like kourt and howie's banter

JHLDJAFHLDSJFSDVBXMNSLDHLA

ricky: hey G

gina: *ignores*

ej: *smooth* may i have this exercise

see ricky you cant expect gina to always be there when you treat her the way you have been

poor carlos

hah remember what i said at the beginning of this? thats all i gotta say hehe with kourt and howie

............did

did ricky

spam her literal paragraphs of text

when she has told him she needs to focus

and ricky's freaking out over nini not liking hawaiian pizza

........

this is the type of clinginess that really does turn me off

especially back in highschool

ricky honey you really need some help

man poor ashlynn

ashlynn is going to kill it as belle because she's gonna be sooooooo genuine whereas im sure lily's gonna come off as very superficial in the part

look at ej's concerned expression when gina's struggling in the exercise

the one thing i do like about miss jenn's date so far is i think this is a nice way of getting to know both of the characters more

awwwww the date went well

RICKY

WHAT

SIR

i mean that was kinda funny ngl

BUT

oooooooooooo thats a great answer ej

"i'd ask him if he'd ever love anyone after belle"

but...did gaston ever truly love belle tho

ricky :(

he really doesnt like change does he

im glad the show is trying to address this

awwwww the gina and ashlynn heart to heart

i do love their friendship

omg she confessed her feelings for ricky

she actually did it

this entire time

he knew

and he still

this entireeeeeee tiiiiiiiime

the only excuse he has is that somehow he got it in his mind that he either thought gina moved on from him or ricky interpreted gina's confession as a friendship thing

but still

good lord ricky you need to calm it with the clingy

even nini isnt feelin it

.............

meanwhile lily is still spying

interesting i thought kourt was a gryffindor--although i can see her being a gryffindor/hufflepuff combo hehe

but ravenclaw works too!!!

yessssss ashlynn sing your heart out

and this is why she's going to be an amazing belle

i hate seeing gina in this much pain

yea kourt you be honest!!!

i love herrrrrr

howie drumrolled before her confession

thats really cute

hahaha

i love straightforward stuff like this

the harry potter geekiness <3

i really hope ricky's dad realizes somethings off now since he and miss jenn ended things because of ricky

aight nini lets hear the rose song

so........basically everything i said and thought about rini as a relationship

nini's song confirms it

confirm what a lot of people have been saying about rini

also this song is amazing <3

WE LOVE NINI DECIDING TO LIVE FOR HERSELF

olivia's soprano range <3

yea rip rini next episode

--

Alright, so. I ship Ricky with Therapy (Rickerapy) and Gina with Happiness (Hapina). That’s my final stance for a while. I’m very curious on where they take Portwell. If Rina’s gonna happen then...I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it? Like I still enjoy the idea of Rina, and it’ll be a lot better than Rini (I think) but...no guy is worth that much pain and heartache Gina’s dealing with. 

I guess if Ricky ends up working through his fear of change, learns better communication skills, and accepts/confronts his own feelings a lot better and treats Gina like the amazing person she is and makes it up to her then maaaaaaaaaaybe I’ll be on board with Rina in the end.

But yea, I’m definitely vibing more with Portwell rn.

Also, Nini deciding to live for herself. It’s such a good peak for her arc this semester I’m pretty happy.

Finally, while I’m giving Ricky a lot of shit, as I said in my previous live!blog--I still like his character and everything is very consistent with what we’ve seen from season 1. If anything, I’m really excited to see his arc come to a head and what comes after!

(someone plz write a seb and ej friendship chat!fic)

[honexjams]

just was watching an ftm tiktok compilation that featured kalvin garrah and it got me heated, i have a LOT to say about him and his influence but i will condense it to this:

all trans people have an era of discovery and experimentation, for some that includes experimenting with pronouns online to see what theyre comfortable with. the rise in people IDing with they/them or they/she or they/he is infinitely more to do with more trans kids feeling comfortable to experiment than it is with unconcerned cis people wanting clout. (i know some cis people do ID as lgbt for attention, i grew up in a very depressed/depressing and drug-laden small town where its not unheard of for people, especially young people, to go to strange lengths for relief, comfort, and entertainment. this small amount does not tend to go through the worst of the treatment i had as a young, binary trans person in this parish, which alone will garuntee those folks didnt ID this way 'for funzies' very long)

writing off all of these young people as simply wanting attention is harmful to both nonbinary people directly and binary trans people who are young and trying to figure out what theyre comfortable with.

i can say for myself personally, that i am very sensitive so if the trans online sphere was as critical in 2012 as it is today, it probably wouldve thrown a wrench in my personal process of understanding my feelings and realizing the transphobic responses i got from coming out were just that and not the absolute truth. which wouldve in turn left me IDing as non-binary or nothing at all online for a longer time because i wouldve been more concerned with my fear of seeming like i wanted attention online than actually trying to nut up and come out at school or do anything i needed to do irl for my comfort.

i first listed my pronouns on a writing site thats mostly barren last i checked, and what i put was "he/him/they/them" because i was at a place where i was caught between what i felt was true about myself, and having just come out to my mother as an 11-year-old and her not believing me.

demonizing non binary pronouns and identities will 100% effect this generation of trans kids because for those with no support, they will turn to the internet. when both their real life and the online spaces they go to are highly critical and unaccepting of nonbinary identities, any kid less than 100% sure theyre a binary trans person will suffer at the very least an extended period of confusion and denial, and at worst never fully come to grips with who they are.

ive always felt really strongly about this but i feel as i hit the 10 year mark of knowing i was trans (and still being pretty young at 20yo) its a good time to express these feelings a little more formally than i tend to. especially because i fit into the like, Ideal Trans Experience of knowing i was a boy at a young age (i mentioned finding trans people at 11 but i have Very early memories of telling other kids on the playground that 'i was born a boy who looked like a girl so my parents raised me as a girl' which is dummy accurate to a trans experience often shown in media yk).

(this next paragraph is all personal anecdotes which are important to my point but if you dont care feel free to skip over it)

I do very much believe and accept nonbinary people as truth because i can understand how someone can feel like something that isnt understandable to the society they grew up in because that was my experience as an lgbt person in the deep south. I remember hearing my mom at a local parade (a Very Community-Focused thing where i grew up), see two teen girls holding hands walking down the street and saying "theyre a little young for that, huh?" to a friend, I remember asking her what 'gay' meant as a kid bc ofc i heard it at school and just wanted padding for if i ever said it out loud because as i knew it, wasnt a curse word but it was Bad Word (bc i knew from hearing it around school that it was a Bad Word)i wanted to know what it meant, she said "some boys date boys, its not really a Good lifestyle, but sometimes they do it". Ive heard many transmedicalists say 'how can you have dysphoria for nothing?' as in how can someone be agender. I am a binary trans man in a committed relationship with another man and I am frankly bewildered as to how a binary trans person can believe such a thing as 'the only genders that exist are ones i know about, even after discovering my own queerness' because I can perfectly understand the correlation between binary and nonbinary trans people. For me, growing up as a teenager in the south in the 2010s, gays were vaguely accepted but still ostrisized, and in school i had a classmate who i knew is a binary trans man because i still know him now, and I, my insecure, weak, self concious self emailed my teachers about my pronouns and name while he was still being called his birthname in class and my cousin, who sat in front of me next to him (thats how small a fown this is) was the only person who called him his chosen name, which was how i figured he was like me.

I personally dont want bottom surgery even tho i Fully identify as a binary male, I simply came to the understanding that a 'cis penis' is not something I will ever have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ may aswell get used to the things i can tolerate, unlike my chest and 'feminine' features that T has changed.

Long story short if You are a binary trans person who doesn't get what the whole nonbinary thing is all about, simply try describing your own trans experience as if you were really not a boy or girl. As if you really, through your deepest soul-searching, came up with the fact that you simply dont identify with neither male nor female.

Back to the original point of binary trans people in a self descovery phase, if You are a binary trans person? try to remember the first time you felt really invalidated in a way that truly struck you as like, a direct attack on how you feel (like how those depressing 'relatable posts' do), did you ever feel like if that was something you experienced in a crucial part of your discovery period that it wouldve hurt a lot? maybe even to the point where it surpressed how you felt about yourself? All i want from the trans community is to not let anyone else feel that way. I truly do fear for young trans people and how this exclusive environment stunts them.

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[elianamarie-blog]

Hey bestie! could i get a ship for that 70s show?

i’m a 5’6 nonbinary (she/they) with short hair and curtain bangs my hair colour is done to look like narcissa malfoys (dark brown with platinum blonde on the underside). I have blue/grey eyes.

i’m an INFP, Ravenclaw, and a Taurus. My hobbies are making music, and playing pranks on my sister lol. I love marvel, harry potter, and criminal minds.

ive been told i’m very cocky and my ego is through the roof. I’d consider myself a very kind person who’s easy to talk to. i like to joke around a lot with my friends and sarcasm is my first language,

My aesthetic conveniently is very 70s/vintage, and my music taste is also a lot of throwbacks.

what i want to do when i’m older is forensic psychology!

hope you get to mine but if not that’s fine! Love your writing!

-M

Thank you bestie! You sound like an amazing, interesting person! (And gorgeous too) I got you! And thank you SO much for reading my content. You, are amazing <3 

Who’s Up For A Challenge?

Michael Kelso x reader

-Y/n L/n was new in town and found enjoyment in messing with the players of the town.

-She was known as “that chick”

-She was incredibly witty, sarcastic, cocky, but so kind and beautiful.

-She may have accidentally had a couple of good guys fall in love with her.

-She had to gently turn them down and that actually broke her heart.

-She loved a good challenge though.

-She was sitting in the Hub with her college lab partner, Donna, when the none other than himself, Michael Kelso, walked in.

-Y/n had heard about him.

-The infamous Michael Kelso. Playboy of Point Place.

-Donna called him over and as he sat down, he noticed her.

-Of course, he had to hit on her.

-When he asked her out, she, of course said yes.

- “Alright, I’ll be here to pick you up tonight.”

-Y/n smiled as he walked away.

-As Donna leaned in and started to warn Y/n about him, Y/n cut her off.

- “I know.”

- “You know?”

- “Yes. I’ve heard of this dillhole and I’ve got a plan.”

-Donna was intrigued as Y/n started unraveling her plan. 

- “I’m going to make him fall in love with me. Then I’m going to break his heart and make him feel what he makes every girl here feel.”

-Donna wasn’t so into it, but knew she couldn’t stop her.

-So, Y/n went through with the plan and met up with Kelso that night.

-He got her a burger from Fatso Burger and took her to Mt. Hump.

-He started kissing her neck and making out with her.

-She knew she was good at sex and everything else.

-But she refused to give it to him on the first date.

-She was a classy person after all.

-Kelso had set up a challenge to get in the sack.

-She already knew that though, because well duh.

-She ended up befriending Donna and Jackie over it.

-Jackie was thrilled and squealing.

- “Finally, he’s going to feel the hell that he put me through,” Jackie said.

- “You scare me,” Donna said. “Besides, you’re with Hyde now. It shouldn’t matter.”

- “Oh, whatever. Revenge is dish best served cold.”

- Y/n laughed and threw an arm over Jackie’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, girl. I got you. I’m going to drag him through the mud and then hang him out to dry.”

- “Oh, I love you!” Jackie squeaked and hugged Y/n tightly.

- “Okay, now you both scare me,” Donna said.

-Donna tried to warn Kelso, but of course he didn’t listen to her.

-He just took it as her being jealous that he wasn’t going to nail her.

-Even though she was back with Eric.

-Kelso this time took Y/n to a drive in and bought her the classic: popcorn and a coke.

-Y/n was down to date 2 out of 10.

-He started kissing her again, softer, gentler, but started getting handsy again.

-Y/n smacked his hand away multiple times before he finally up.

- “Well, damn, Y/n!” he cried out, shaking his hand. 

- “Keep your hands to yourself, lover boy,” she threatened.

- “Yeah, or what?” he challenged.

- “Trust me, you don’t want to challenge me.”

- “Maybe I do.”

- “Trust me, sweetie, you don’t. I can snap you in half.”

-His eyes lit up. “You must be hot in the sack!”

-Y/n couldn’t help but laugh. “Take me home, you jerk.”

- He chuckled. “Yes, dear.��

-When he dropped her off, she turned to him. “Pick me up Friday for dinner at 8pm.”

- Kelso nodded and smiled at her.

-Eric, Hyde, and Fez caught onto the challenge and decided to make it a bet.

-Hyde said Kelso would make a fool out of himself and end up being dumped.

-Eric said Kelso would actually score.

-Fez said he just wanted to be part of the action and said Y/n would win.

-Doesn’t mean Hyde didn’t try to sabotage the bet by giving Kelso wrong information.

-For example, he told him to pick up Y/n late instead of on time because it shows that he’s desperate and clingy.

-Which is what the idiot did.

-Y/n was NOT pleased.

-She made him buy her lobster and flowers.

-At the end of the night she ended up giving him a hot make out sesh, but left him to take care of himself.

-Date 3 out of 10 down.

-Now, Eric was trying to sabotage the bet by giving Kelso tips how to get laid.

-Which Kelso laughed at until Donna spoke up.

- “You got to invoke her mind, man,” Eric said. “People like her like to be intellectually challenged.”

- “Yeah right,” Michael scoffed.

- “No, Eric is actually right for once,” Donna said, bored. “Y/n isn’t like the other girls in this town. She actually has a brain.”

- “And some nice jugs,” Fez said earning a glare from the group.

- “Try talking to her about literature and psychology and music. She likes that kind of stuff. And leave out any kinds of ‘doing it.’ Intelligent people like her don’t like that.”

- “But I wanna do it.”

- “I know, but you got to make her think you want her mind, not her body.”

- “Yeah, that’s a good idea!” Kelso said and ran out the door to spontaneously surprised Y/n at her house with flowers and a...book.

- “Donna, what the hell are you doing?” Hyde asked.

- “I know, I’m such a bad friend to her,” Donna said. “I’m going to hell.”

- “No, not that. I’m trying to get her to dump him for being stupid. Don’t give the guy pointers!”

-Kelso showed up at Y/n’s door with a picnic basket, a blanket, flowers, and a gift.

-She was definitely surprised.

-He found the perfect spot under the tree and laid out the blanket. 

- “I got you something” he said and gave her a gift sloppily wrapped in paper. 

-She opened it up and it was a vintage psychology book from the late 1800′s.

-She was genuinely impressed. “Where did you find this?”

-Well, I heard you talking about your love of psychology and vintage things and found this at an antique store. Thought you’d might like it.”

-Her eyes actually filled with tears.

-Even thought it was their fourth date, she felt touched by the gift and allowed 2nd base.

-The next few dates ended going the same flow. 

-He’d take her out, hoping for sex, she would tease him and then leave him to take care of himself.

-By their 7th date, he was beginning to grow frustrated.

-So, far Fez was winning the bet.

-On the eighth date, Y/n introduced Michael to her parents.

-They were spectacle, but polite to him nonetheless.

-Eighth date consisted of the carnival.

-As the lights shown down on y/n’s beautiful face, he realized he might actually feelings for her.

-Y/n knew she started developing feelings for him after the fourth date, but she refused to say anything. It was just a reaction to the sweet gift.

-Even though she knew he had a kid with another woman, it didn’t stop her from feeling the way she did.

-He won her a stuffed elephant, a goldfish, and bought her a hotdog.

-Back in the car, they were making out again. “I think I really like you.”

-She smiled into the kiss. “I like you too, but you’re still not getting any.”

- “That’s okay,” he whispered, shocking both of them.

-He ended up panicking to the guys later on that night.

- “So? Just go bang the next chick you see. You did that to Jackie a lot when she didn’t want to sleep with you,” Hyde said.

- “That’s the problem. I can’t,” Kelso said and ran a hand through his hair. “I tried but every time I went to, I just couldn’t find myself to do it. They’re not her, man.”

-The guys gave him crap and started taunting him.

- “You love her!” Fez said and tried to make kissy faces with Eric.

- “Yeah, we don’t do that,” Eric said, pushing Fez’s face away from his.

- “What’re you going to do?” Hyde asked seriously.

- “Just...try to make her mine at this point.”

-On the ninth date, Y/n was freaking out.

-How could she have fallen for him?

-She’s never felt this way after messing with a guy like this.

-Why?

-Why?

-WHY?!

-Stupid, stupid, stupid--

-The doorbell rang.

-He stood there with a dozen red roses.

- “I got something special,” he said.

-He ended up taking her to the lake with a complete romantic dinner.

-Candles, wine, chocolates, and pasta that he had help from mom make.

-Y/n’s eyes pricked with tears.

-No one has ever done this for her before.

-Throughout the evening, he had actually engaged in intelligent conversation and opened up to her.

-He talked about his hopes and dreams, his fears, and his loves.

- “People don’t give you enough credit,” she said. “You have a lot going for you. You just don’t show this side to people. Why?”

- He shrugged. “It’s funnier this way. I don’t want them knowing this side of me, Then they’ll start...expecting stuff from me and I don’t want that pressure.”

- “Well, you’re secret is safe with me,” she said, taking a sip of wine.

- “Well, come on, you have a lot more going for you. You want to be a forensic psychologist. That’s awesome, whatever that is.”

-Y/n chuckled and explained it to him while he actually listened to her!

-She actually changed the playboy of the town!

-Y/n wasn’t sure if it was the wine, but she couldn’t take it anymore and brought him for a hasty kiss. “I want to go all the way with you tonight.”

-At this point, she didn’t care if he broke her heart, she just needed him before he could.

-The moment was actually beautiful.

-He was so gentle and and sweet, making sure she was actually okay with it.

-And it was the best sex either one of them ever had.

-As they laid down in the back of the car, they confessed they ended up confessing their feelings towards each other, including the plans they each had for each other.

- “I’ve never felt this way towards anyone before,” y/n said. “This really bit me in the ass this time.”

- “I’ve never felt this way before period,” he chuckled. “I guess it bit me in the ass too.”

- “Are we dumb for doing this?” she whispered.

- “Totally.”

-They laughed together and ended up doing it again the second time that night.

-On their tenth date, he took her to the carnival again, but he had something more special planned.

-He took her to the top of the Ferris wheel and when it got to the top, he grabbed her hand and nervously asked her if she’d officially be his.

-She grinned at him brightly and nodded yes.

- “Great, now I can give you this,” he said and took off his hoodie that he was wearing. “You’re my girl now and I want you to have it. It’s my favorite hoodie.”

-She kissed him deeply and put it on.

-She wore it everyday from then on.

-One day she was over at the Forman’s and while they were waiting for everyone to join them, they started making out on the couch.

-The door opened, revealing Hyde, Eric, and Fez.

- “DAMMIT!” Hyde shouted.

- Fez laughed. “Pay up!”

- “Wait,” Eric asked. “Did you guys do it yet?”

- Kelso smiled. “Totally.”

-Eric turned to Hyde with his palm turned upwards. “Pay up, bitch.”

- “What’s that not fair!” he bitched.

- “Oh, it totally is,” Fez laughed.

- “No, I’ll tell you what’s not fair. Michael didn’t get hurt like he was supposed to!” Jackie said.

- “No, he got something better,” Donna said. “True love! And someone to kick his ass into shape.”

- “A matchmade in Heaven,” Fez joked while Hyde handed him his cash. “Thank you Hyde.”

- “Yeah, shut up.”

[tibby]

hi! lesbian questioning anon back with some more questions and needing advice. i got about 3 pages into the lesbian masterdoc before i started freaking out a little and i had to stop reading. i think i’m really scared about analyzing this part of myself because i’ve identified as bisexual for so long & ive never felt ... ashamed to express attraction to men (even though looking back and recalling those things, it felt hollow and fake; performative - even though i hardly had an audience). i don’t think being a lesbian is bad, but part of me is really really scared because 1.) what if i’m NOT a lesbian, i’m just going through an issue / phase / i’m traumatized from my last relationship and acting poorly about it ending? like, i don’t want to appropriate the label or invade a space like this as a (possible) non-lesbian!!! and stuff like 2.) if i’m a lesbian, why was i so free in talking about finding men hot? why was i so comfortable expressing how much i love Geralt (the witcher)??? why am i “”attracted”” do big strong - for lack of a better descriptor - alpha men?? and 3.) what if i come out, if it turns out i am a lesbian, and my lesbian friends think i’m faking it because i’ve talked about liking men before? i don’t know if i could cope with that rejection. anyways. i re-read your answer to my last ask several times. i do not think i could be happy with a man. but i thought everyone with IssuesTM (in my case i have ambiguous disorder lol - nah i just have lots of mental/development issues i don’t wanna list) just thought they were going to go through life bouncing from one toxic relationship to the next. my relationship with my ex wasn’t the healthiest, it was deeply co-dependent and i didn’t enjoy the sex at all. i thought maybe it was him (i guess this is still a possibility) or maybe that i’m asexual (it certainly felt like that, with how genuinely disinterested i’ve been with the concept of sex (adding: with men) all my life, so i have really no frame of reference) and i just kinda assume no one actually thinks they’re going to get a happy ever after. i think i would love to be with a woman, but i have no idea about the viability in that regard because i haven’t really had any long lasting bonds with other women. my best friends growing up were always boys, and i’ve always been intimidated by women, regardless of my attraction to them. i genuinely have no idea what a relationship with a woman would be like, but god i would like to have one! i feel like i would feel safer, more secure, more open with myself if there���s already a level of understanding between us. — anyways, thank you so much for enduring this with me so far. i cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for you allowing and accepting me vomiting anxieties all over your inbox. i appreciate all your thought-out responses and your empathy and kindness rn. it’s amazing and i wish i could repay you.

hello again! sorry for taking a few days to get back to you, i wanted to respond when i actually had time to sit down and type out a coherent reply.

to address your fears, working out your sexuality isn’t always an easy process and you’re not a bad person for wanting to try on different labels and see what works for you. you do not have to come up with an immediate answer now, and you’e allowed to switch between labels until you feel comfortable. if you identify as a lesbian for a little bit and then realise that you aren’t one, then that’s fine! it doesn’t mean you were invading lesbian spaces, it doesn’t mean you crossed any lines, it doesn’t mean you faked anything. and real friends would understand that and support you. if your lesbian friends think you’re lying about it or faking it, then they weren’t good friends to begin with. if that’s the case, i’m sorry, and it’ll hurt: but in the long run, you’d be better off without people who don’t support you.

and it’s not unusual for lesbians to find security and love - be it real or imagined - in men we think can protect us. that’s what we’re conditioned to what. and it can be hard to unlearn that. and as long as you’re secure in the knowledge that you don’t actually want to be with a man, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing your attraction to one. as i’ve said before, i’m absolutely a lesbian and i know this about myself, but if shane madej asked...then yeah, i’d probably go for it. ultimately, it comes down to what you need and want.

what i’m about to say might be considered controversial to some, but i’ve never seen the issue with someone who’s had traumatic/unhealthy relationships with men in the past only wanting to date women from that point on, and therefore call themselves a lesbian. your relationships with men are in the past, and you shouldn’t feel forced to have them define your future. and sex is supposed to feel good, you’re meant to enjoy it. if you’re not enjoying the sex you have with a man, then that’s your body telling you something. maybe it’s lesbianism, maybe it’s asexuality, maybe it’s a mix of the two - but the issue, for now, seems to lie with men. i wouldn’t suggest rushing into having sex with women to see how that feels and give yourself a solid answer, but take some time to reflect on how you’d feel if you were to be sexual again, but with a woman this time. does it still put you off? can you happily picture everything (making out, cuddling) except the sex? do you think it would be more comfortable than your previous sexual experiences? give yourself as much time as you need to process everything. your safety and comfort are absolutely the priority, not finding a label to stick to.

if you think you’d enjoy dating a woman, that you’d be happy to be with one and feel safe and comfortable, then that’s a good place to start. i think there’s this weird idea in online lesbian/bi circles that once you figure out your sexuality, you immediately have to get out there and enter into a gay relationship, like you have something to prove. and i take a lot of issue with that, because i think a lot of times, it ends badly for both people. just sit with yourself for awhile, start building relationships with people around you, and a romance will come naturally. romances are never going to be strong if you force them, regardless of your sexuality, and it’s something you should only go into once you’re sure and ready. which all may seem like obvious things, but i’ve seen enough gays have horrible relationships to know that it isn’t. your sexuality should be about you, not about your love life.

i’m glad i’ve been able to help you somewhat so far, and i hope this response brings you further comfort and peace of mind. it means a lot to me that you feel like you can ask me about this stuff, and i do want the best for you. as always, feel free to come back if you need anything else. sending you love!

[pebblysand]

of tyres that blow (extended author’s note of chapter v. of castles)

- - TO READ THE CHAPTER ITSELF, CLICK HERE. - -

Oh, what a month it has been. Well, a month and two days - I’m a bit late updating. I’ve had two good things happen, writing wise. 1) I got my first original short story published (!!!!) (you can read it here) and 2) I put out a little one-shot about Fleur Delacour that I’m super happy about and gave me an idea about a new series (more on that later this week, I hope. I might need help with prompts!). Regardless, this latest Irish lockdown is fucking endless and I sometimes wonder if this fic isn’t just an outlet for my feelings of lockdown-induced loneliness, apathy, but also a constant argument that I have with myself thinking: for the love of god, just pull yourself up, will you? You’re a Gryffindor, goddamn it. I certainly wish my fucked up sleeping patterns on no one, although I may or may have Mary-Sued that onto Harry, lol. (Spoiler alert: he’s scheduled to get some real sleep in next chapter. All bets are off regarding whether I will.)

This chapter was surprisingly easy to write (I basically vomited out chapters iv, v, and vi over the span of a week in December) but incredibly difficult to edit. For days, I just couldn’t concentrate, wrote and re-wrote and felt like everything was shite. Then, I realised it’d become this 19,000-words long monster so I had to cut a lot of shit out. We ended up with 15,898 words which I suppose is better? 

I do wonder: do people mind long chapters? Like, I know as fanfic reader, I personally prefer longer formats and rarely gravitate towards works that are less than 3,000 words. I love just getting buried into a story, into plots rather than single scenes. This being said, every time I write something that I deem too long (i.e. above 10k) I have these excruciating struggles where I wonder: should I cut it in half? should I leave it as is? I decided to split the last one. Then, I decided not to split this one because (you may notice this or not, I’m not sure) it’s kind of built a certain way, geared towards basically getting to the last two paragraphs. Like, when you get there, it’s a bit of an ah-ha moment, but I couldn’t get to that ah-ha moment without all the build up before it. It’s the accumulation of all of these little details that feel like they don’t matter. And as Harry says in the end, they don’t, in the grand scheme of things, but also they do. Like, everyday life doesn’t matter until you lose it. Then, it does, if that makes sense.

In terms of next update... I’ve decided to get my law licence transferred to France and the EU (it’s a long story), which means that I need to bloody, fucking study. The exams are at the end of March so my current plan is: hardcore study until the end of february. Mix study/writing in early march and hopefully get chapter vi out mid-March, then hardcore study until the end of March. Please, if you see me posting then, tell me off in the comments cause god, I really need to pass. Now, I will go have my traditional i-ve-put-a-chapter-out shot of limoncello and let you read the below :).

...spoilers for castles, chap v. under the cut -

I’ve done a lot of thinking about what this chapter is meant to be about. Obviously (I hope), every chapter has a point, in this story. Chapter 1 is about time (the way it passes and blurs when your mind’s a complete mess), chapter 2 is about hope, chapter 3 is about inevitability and the consequences of trauma, chapter 4 is about becoming an adult and growing into your own skin, etc. I think this one is about fear. How you feel it, and how you overcome it. Like, Harry takes a decision to stand up, fight, do the interview, regardless of the fact that he is scared (for his life, for that of the people he loves), and finds buried inside him a lot of the courage that he (felt) he lost, after the war. He learns to control his fear of the world by figuring out how apprehend it, through the training Giulia gives him, through learning how to kill, too. 

But, it’s also about fear in society. How the attack on Robards sets everyone on edge and how they keep going regardless. I initially wrote this chapter with the idea that it was going to be about speaking out and being brave, but obviously, fear and fighting against it is a huge part of that, too. 

Then, there’s Mia. Obviously, this fic is Harry/Ginny endgame but I do like the idea of Harry (and possibly Ginny as well) dating at least one other person, before officially tying the knot. Like, yes, Ginny is obviously coming back next chapter. She’ll probably own the second half of next chapter, if I’m honest, considering they’re obviously going to the burrow for christmas. I love Ginny, I’ve missed her and honestly, I can’t wait to bring her back. This being said, to be fair, I’ve kind of realised that this fic may actually be the first I ever write that isn’t strictly “shippy.” Like, yes, their relationship is a huge part of it (it’s a huge part of his life) and it will and was always going to be a huge part of this story but I think this fic is larger than that. It’s a result of my years-long obsession over: but what happens next? Over what “all was well” really means, in a general sense. How do they get to “nineteen years later” and beyond. But yeah, I’ve missed Ginny and I’m glad she’s on her way back to us now. 

Now, obviously. Giulia. I’m sorry. This was always going to happen. Well, almost always. I remember when I first wrote her in, she was a bit of a filler character. At the time, the thing with Mia was supposed to happen in last chapter and I actually had (have) much more backstory around her, than around Giulia. She and Harry were going to have proper conversations (will they ever, who knows?), really get to know each other. But then, Giulia came first narratively and shone through the page. I started writing her and she had this personality and life of her own and I couldn’t bring myself to curtail her. 

Now, we all know how it is: fanfics can only tolerate so many OCs. So, I had to choose between putting Mia at the forefront, or Giulia. I chose Jules. 

Then, in chapter 4, I wrote this: 

Her first lesson is to teach him how to drive the patrol car. ‘I don’t know why we use them,’ she explains, honest, and Harry vaguely wonders if he should be taking notes. ‘Reckon the Ministry saw them being used by Muggles, had to prove they could do better. They like making noise, the Ministry, don’t they? Lots of sirens and shite.’

Politely, Harry hides a chuckle behind a cough. He clearly doesn’t know yet that he doesn’t need to, that Giulia’s sarcastic sense of humour is one of the things that he’ll come to appreciate the most in this world, over the next few months. That the sound of her voice is one he’ll try to never, ever forget. That in the speech that he’ll give when he makes Head Auror, over a decade later, he’ll think of her and say: ‘Okay, let’s try to not just be sirens and shite, all right?’

This kind of tumbled out without me really thinking about it until I really looked at it and thought: fuck, why is he talking about her past tense, like that. Like “the sound of her voice is one he’ll try to never, ever forget.” Why would he forget it, though? And so, just like that, came her death sentence. For that, I apologise. It killed me too, and I cried when I wrote it in (especially when I wrote next chapter, actually, first time I ever made myself cry writing, if I’m honest) but it just needed to happen. It’s how Ginny and he get back together (I mean, obviously - is that even a spoil) because he’s grieving but she’s grown stronger and steady and she’s able to be there in a way that she wasn’t last summer. It did occur to me that god, all his mentors/father figures come to die, don’t they? But honestly, I kind of thing that his real mentor will be Robards, at the end of the day. She was just the one who allowed him to get back on his feet. 

One last note: I’ve been meaning to put this into the fic for ages but have never found the right moment to write it in. In the meantime, I’ll just say it here, because I don’t know if this has frustrated some of yous - I know it might have driven me mad. There is a logic to the Muggle/Wizard swearing/exclamations in the fic. Obviously, this is an adult fic so they swear normally, like eighteen-year-olds would in this (I decided that very early on), but also there’s “God”-s and “Merlin”-s and things like that. 

Now, I think that throughout this fic, although Harry hasn’t mentioned it yet (cause it never fucking fits anywhere) Hermione’s been having a sort of Muggle reckoning. She - in conscience - decides to start swearing/exclaiming “like a Muggle” after the war. If you notice, she only ever says “god”, never “Merlin.” Harry uses both interchangeably although he tends to use Merlin more when he thinks about wizard stuff, but God when he thinks about Muggle stuff (like when he’s with Mia). Ron only swears in “wizard” but I think he might start using Muggle expletives as well in the later chapters because of Hermione rubbing off on him. 

The fact that I even think about all that stuff is pathetic and I need to get a life. But that’s for another post, altogether. 

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you liked it :). 

[whatshername-please]

Out of the Water - Chapter IV

Synopsis: You were very proud to be a mermaid, thank you very much. You didn't want to be where the people were. Actually, you'd rather avoid it. Defending the merfolk was the biggest goal in your life... well, it was until you meet a certain pirate... it seems that your family really had a thing for humans, after all. Not that you'd ever admit it...

Pairing: Harry x reader

Warnings: none? Possibly grammar mistakes?

Part 4 of ?

Word Count: 2975

A/N: English isn't my first language, so I'll probably mess up some tenses, grammar and stuff. Go easy on me, please. Feedback is always appreciated

_________________________________________

You weren't an expert, but you had already seen that tree twenty minutes ago, and that rock, and that berry bush. Either Dude had no idea where he was leading the group or Ben was moving around really fast. Maybe, you should go after Fairy Godmother's wand instead, it was the most powerful magical object in Auradon, after all. If it had turned a pumpkin into a golden carriage, it would help an angst teenager to overcome her evil phase.

Gil stopped to eat some berries, and he was completelty mesmerized by them. The blonde boy even suggested that you played the icebreaker, praising Jay right after. The compliment took Jafar's son by surprise but he went on with it, and, in a matter of instants, he and Gil started chatting like childhood friends. Someone didn't seem very thrilled with the boys new found connection, though. Harry, whose attitude showed that he couldn't bare being left out, didn't waste time on making a scoff comment about the conversation.

As for you, it was gold to see the Harry's expression when Jay and Gil kept talking like they didn't hear the pirate's bitter words.

"They completely ignored you" you glanced over him just to see his smirk fading away from his face and turning into a scowl. Harry Hook didn't like to be overlooked, you could tell for sure, and you'd take advantage of that to bother him a little.

He deserved it, anyway.

"They are not even paying attention to you, how sad" you added, just to push his buttons a bit further.

It worked, he glared at you in such a way that made you glad that looks couldn't kill, otherwise you would have burst into flames. You took no notice of him, evil faces didn't scare you.

Hary catched a berry with his hook and ate it in a very dramatic way, drawing all attention to him. That guy was all about aesthetic, wasn't he?

"PS, your mutt went that way" he told Carlos and it was only then that everybody noticed that Dude wasn't around anymore. The boys followed to where Harry had motioned, leaving you and Jay, who grabbed a few more berries, behind.

"Look at you, all sociable and making friends" you teased him.

"Weren't you talking to Harry like, a second minute ago?" he threw your little chitchat with the pirate right in your face.

"I only want to get to know Uma's friends" you defended yourself, shrugging your shoulders.

"Why?" he questioned, intrigued by your answer.

Damn, you forgot you weren't supposed to know Uma at all.

"Well... you said it yourself and I quote, 'I have this thing about protecting every mermaid of the world', so if Mal keeps her promise and really let the VKs off the Isle, it means Uma will be staying in Auradon, and she is the daughter of Ursula, therefore, she is part of the merpeople who are under the protection of Atlantica and..."

"Okay, okay! I get it" he put his hand over your mouth, knowing very well that when you started talking about this subject, nothing could stop you.

In other situation that, wouldn't have stopped you to adduce your speech about the Isle and the rules of the sea, but since this was exacttly the reaction you expected to draw from him, you just pushed his hand aside.

You went after Dude, who finally seemed to be on the trail of Ben's whereabouts. Or it was what you thought, because all you could see were trees and more trees, and...

You heard a loud growl and out of nowhere a buffalo monster jumped from behind a tree, pouncing on the little squad. Good thing you all had good reflexes, because with the size of the claws of this over-grown furry ball, he would have ripped your guts out in the blink of an eye.

Now, more than ever, you regretted not going back to Atlantica.

What the hell was this thing?

Oh wait...

The blue and yellow combinantion...

The clothes...

Oh...

That thing was Ben.

Gosh, Audrey didn't take easily their break up, did she? You made a mental note of never ever dating her if this was how she treated her exes.

"Use your magic " Carlos cried out, urging you to do something about your beasty friend.

"My magic won't do any good. He needs true love kiss or something like that, and I am defenitely not a furry" you pratically shouted the last part, getting ready to defend yourself in case Ben decided to attack you again.

It was Gil who noticed something was wrong with the beast's hand.

"He's got a boo-boo that's why he is so cranky... My dad said his dad did not handle pain well, at all" he talked about his father's murder attempt on King Beast as if he was talking about the weather.

How precious was this boy?

Ben snarled at you again, and Carlos stepped in. Carefully, he approached the cursed boy, soothing him. You expected Ben to pluck out Carlos eyes or something, but the VK managed to pull the thorn out of Ben's furry hand with mastery, instead.

Nice...

Now what?

Out of nowhere, a blast of water flew right past your head and splashed all over Ben's beasty body. Slowly, he started to look less like a beast and more like an ordinary human being. You looked over your shoulder and saw Jane, who was holding a water blaster, it became quite clear that the Fairy Godmother's daughter was the one responsible for undoing partially Ben's curse. Who needed a magical wand when you had enchanted lake water, right?

You and Jay rushed to help Ben, holding him up and taking him to sit down on a rock nearby. The poor boy seemed to just have woken up from a nightmare. However, not even the enchanted water was strong enought to lift the spell completely, but it was funny to watch Jane splashing another blast of water on Ben's face in hopes of making his new grown beard and fangs to disappear.

"Don't worry" you reassured him "I'm sure Mal won't mind"

"Do you like it?" Ben grinned cheerfully and ran his hand over his beard, expecting your approval.

You hummed, not sure if he wanted to hear the truth. You looked away from your friend and saw Harry hitting on Jane and a jealous and protective Carlos interceding on her behalf.

You rolled your eyes. Being in Auradon was always like entering into some cheesy soap opera. The drama, the angst, the musical numbers that came out of nowhere...

While Jay and Carlos explained to Jane and a very confused Ben everything that had happened up to that point, you decide to stay away from the conversation to avoid questions that could lead them to realize you had helped Uma. Not that you were afraid of them, but if your grandfather knew about that, he would have a fit and King Triton's rage was feared in all seven seas and beyond. So, there you were again, left to talk to the villain kids who, although you weren't sure why, appeared to be a little apprehensive since Ben joined the group. Then again, it could be just your impression.

"Are you enjoying Auradon so far?" you asked the boys.

Gil went on a rant about what he liked so far, giving examples and detalied descriptions of flowers, grapes, threes, berries and all the things that you had in Auaradon and they didn't have back on the Isle, which was basically everything. He also said something about penguins and going on a jungle cruise with Jay, but you didn't pay attention because Harry leaned over you with that stupid smug grin of his.

"It's not as boring as I thought it would be" did he really have to come this close just to say that? You were pretty sure that his life's mission was to be as annoying as he could.

"Really? Everybody is cursed..." you replied, but it only made his grin to grow wider.

"Exactly"

You shook your head, what a weirdo.

"Hey" Gil called your name, making both you and Harry to turn your heads in his direction at the same time "Do you think Ben will kick us back to the Isle?"

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Harry stiffen up and his confident expression fade away.

Was it possible that they were worried that Ben wouldn't allow the kids to come off the Isle as Mal had promised?

"No!" you set their minds at rest "Ben may seem a bit innocent, but he is compassionate and very smart. The VK Program was idealized by him and even if people didn't agree with it, he put his foot down. I know Ben and I've annoyed him long enough about this matter, so I am sure he won't abandon the Isle. Also, Evie will kill him if he shuts down the program... Thus, I think you're good"

More than that, you would never let him put Uma back on the Isle and if he did that, it would become your personal goal to make him regret every decision he ever made in his life. Actually, if Ben dared to back down, you'd raise hell.

Finally, you arrived at Evie's home and in the right time! You've been walking on land for too long and starting to feel a little dehydrated. All you wanted to do was to come in and have a glass of water. Luckily, the girls were already waiting for you at the door and, as you got closer, they greeted the group, glad that everyone was alive and safe. Uma even teased Mal about Ben's fangs. Funny how a few hours earlier they were at each other's throats and now it was like they had always been friends.

"You okay?" you felt Uma's hand on your shoulder and looked at her, smiling.

"Yes, of course. Just feeling a bit dried. Have I mentioned how much I hate being ashore?"

"I don't know. Maybe a thousand times, just every single day since we met. 'Uma, the human world is a nightmare. Humans are so annoying and stinky, swimming with dolphings is so much better than anything else they have up there' " she made an impression of you, putting her hand on her forehead dramatically.

You groaned.

"Don't mock my pain, and I never said that. You know I much rather swim with rays, they're way more friendly than dolphins. Also, I do not speak like that".

"But the attitude is on point" she winked.

Then, it was decided that Jane, Gil and Doug would go after Fairy Godmother, who surely had become a stone statue like everybody else, otherwise she'd have appeared by now. Or maybe not, after a 16 years old boy was crowned King of Auradon you stopped believing adults had any idea what to do. Therefore, Fairy Godmother could very well be drinking tea while expecting that a bunch of teenagers would solve all the problems.

As soon as you entered Evie's cottage, you went straight to the kitchen. Getting the biggest cup you found, you filled it with water and, to give it an extra punch, you added some salt. It was the closest thing you had to ocean's water, anyway. The glass was almost touching your lips; unfortunately, everything went wrong.

Harry Hook literally came out of nowhere and took the glass from your hands, you tried to warn him against it but it was too late, the next moment he had already drunk all its content. You'd have laughed when his carefree expression changed into one of utter disgust as he swallowed the water, if he hadnt spitted out all of it on your face soon after.

You did what any sane person would have done: you started yelling at him.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" Harry screamed as loud as you "What kind of person drink salt water?" his pained expression showed that the taste still didn't have left his mouth.

"A mermaid, you barbarian!!" you shouted, doing your best to dry your face off.

"Were you trying to poison me?"

You scoffed at the pirate's words. Was he really accusing you? You had to give him kudos for his guts, because he lacked any commom sense.

"YOU STOLE MY FUCKING WATER!!" you shouted at the top of your lungs. If everyone in Auradon wasn't sleeping or a statue, they would have been able to hear all the nasty things you said to Harry, to which he replied accordingly.

It took you both a while to notice a third voice joining the riot, it was Uma's. Upon hearing the shouts and death threats, the girl entered the kitchen to find her best friends acting like angry sharks. It was almost amusing to see how fast Harry went quiet when he saw Uma there, asking if you two had gone mad.

"She tried to poison me, Uma!" he pointed at you accusingly.

"Excuse me!" you look at your friend, who couldn't be any less impressed by your petty explanations "He spit water on my face. MY WATER. I WAS GOING TO DRINK IT"

The sea witch's daughter rolled her eyes so hard that you could swear she saw her own brain.

"You know what, lass?" Harry got dangerously close to you, leaning slightly on the kitchen's table "I'm used to rotten food and sea water, but I have never tasted anything as dreadful as this. If this is what mermaids have to drink, I understand why so many of you want to leave the ocean".

You gasped and he grimmed, thinking he had finally gotten you. That pirate had just crossed the line and he had no idea who he was dealing with. You could put up with him stealing your drink and spitting it all over you, but talking bullshit about your beloved kin was something you weren't able to ignore. Uma would have to settle for having Gil as her first mate because you were about to kill Harry.

"You know what Hook" you said in your sweetest-sounding voice "You have the accent, the jacket, the hook, the smokey eyes... but you're still missing one thing... Better saying, you are not missing it..."

As quick as one could blink, you grabbed a small knife from the counter and stabbed it into the table close to where Harry's hand was lying.

"A FUCKING HAND!".

Okay, you wanted the knife to land close to Harry's hand, but it was a little too close... Actually, you failed to hit it for a couple of inches, had you done it a little bit to the left, Harry Hook would be lacking a finger.

Maybe you were kind of moody, after all.

Harry Hook had big blue eyes that usually sparkled with a boyish malice (and a bit of insanity), but, right now, he was looking at you with bulging eyes, one part of him didn't believe in what you just had done and the other was a little bit impressed by it. Of course all these emotions washed off from his face in seconds.

"DID YOU SEE IT, UMA? SHE IS CRAZY!"

"So, you can walk around spitting on people and threatening to hook them and that's okay? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME"

And the yelling started again, but Uma was having none of it and she knew both of you enough to understand that if someone did not step in, you wouldn't stop until one of you were dead.

"Stop both of you, right now!" she didn't even have to shout, just the look on her face was enough to make you shut up "We are on a very dangerous mission and we don't have time to deal with this silliness!"

"She started!"

"He started!"

You both cried out at the same time.

Uma took a deep breath, her patience running thin.

"I don't want to hear it. If you want to act like children, I'll treat you as such. Now, apologize to each other.

Harry and you exchanged looks of pure and sincere disgust.

"I won't do it" you threw your hands up.

"Neither will I" Harry declared, folding his arms.

"Great, so I'll call Evie and Gil and they can talk to you about the importance of friendship. I will personally ask them to sing about it"

Uma's threat was enough to make Harry turn to you and apologize.

Uma had real power over him. A true goddess, indeed.

"Okay, I'm sorry" the words that left his mouth were bitter and you knew he was dying inside for having to say them out loud, and that's why you enjoyed every single second of it.

In this moment, Mal called all of you to hurry up because they were about to go to Fairy Cottage, Uma gave you and Harry a warning look before leaving the kitchen and you went to fetch another glass of water. You were almost finishing to drink it when you notice Harry staring.

You took the last gulp and smiled innocently at him.

"I'm sorry, did you want some?" you asked.

"You didn't apologize" he raised an eyebrow and you put the glass down. Walking closer to him, you looked the pirate right in the eye.

"I just said I'm sorry, didn't I?"

"It doesn't count!"

"Yes, it does"

"No, it doesn't"

You hated to admit, but you were taking quite a liking to teasing him. Fortunately for you, Jay came into the kitchen to fetch you and Harry who were delaying the rest of the group. You couldn't help but notice the despleased look in the pirate's face.

Victory.

[doctordiscord123]

Mad with Love

The Host may have lost his mind, but he still loves Dr. Iplier dearly. He just has an interesting way of showing it nowadays.

I’M SORRY I HAVE TO WRITE MORE MAD HOST I JUST LOVE HIM

Part 1 of this strange series here

Tags: @demon-dark-666 @devon-rever-860 @smash-ash26 @bender-of-life @verse2wo @vociferous-chaos

Warnings: Blood Characters: The Host, Dr. Iplier Pairings: The Host/Dr. Iplier Word Count: 1569 words

The Host was broken.

Only a few months after the Actor’s defeat, and it was clear there was no reversing what had been done to his mind. He had, in short, completely lost it, comparable to Wilford in his madness. His abilities were haywire, he was constantly muttering, but not in the way he’d mumbled his narrations. This was fervent, feverish, and when anyone got close to actually hear what he was saying, they found it was utter nonsense: garbled sentences and words he didn’t finish before moving onto the next entirely different thought. They were still narrations, but...they were broken. 

Like him.

A few things remained constant about him. Where if one focused on just those aspects, they could almost fool themselves as to thinking that nothing was amiss. The Host’s sockets still bled -- with no stop to the flow and black ink mixed in now, but they bled. He still always wore his coat. He still hated to go into public. He still enjoyed going on walks through the forest, though now King always tailed him, in fear he’d get lost or hurt himself.

And -- most of all -- he still loved Dr. Iplier so dearly.

He just...had an odd way of showing it now.

Before, the Host had been prone to writing poetry and praising Dr. Iplier with flowy words. Now, nothing he wrote made sense. Hardly anything he spoke made sense, especially now that he blended third and first person so seamlessly and disorientingly now. But he still spoke to Dr. Iplier. Ink dripping down his face, drooling from his mouth, tongue and teeth tinted black, he sat in Dr. Iplier’s office and rambled as Dr. Iplier changed his bandages, gave him the blood transfusion he now needed nearly hourly.

Dr. Iplier didn’t mind. The Host may be broken, but he was still the Host. Still the man who proposed. Still the man he married. And when he rambled to Dr. Iplier, his sentences were at least whole. They didn’t make a whole lot of sense, praising aspects of Dr. Iplier that weren’t true, or just straight up weren’t possible. Dr. Iplier knew the Host had lost all grip on which reality was which. He didn’t know where he stood in the many, many universes anymore. And one he apparently frequently found was one where all the egos had wings. Praising how soft and beautiful Dr. Iplier’s feathers were, reaching out a hand as if he were petting a wing, shoulders shifting as he were moving his own.

Fundamentally, the Host was the same man he always was. Dr. Iplier wasn’t going to stop loving him just because he was a little...cracked, upstairs. Dark loved Wilford, and Wilford was much the same as the Host was now. Dr. Iplier had no excuse to give up on the Host. And he wasn’t going to.

The Host still tried his best. All throughout their relationship, before the Actor, there had been a white rose as a running theme between them. A white rose was the first gift the Host had ever give Dr. Iplier, before they’d even entertained the idea of being together, before they’d even had feelings for each other, back when the Author was still becoming the Host. The Host had used one to ask Dr. Iplier out for the first time. The Host gave him one every Valentine’s Day. And a white rose of dozens of tiny diamonds had decorated the ring the Host had proposed with. It had always been there.

But now...Dr. Iplier got several different flowers, nearly every day. Various tulips, daffodils, irises, lilies, and of course, roses. All in a variety of colors. Each handed to him with the same shy, flustered, ink-stained smile. Dr. Iplier kept and dried and pressed every single one, keeping them in a scrap book in his desk. 

He glanced up from his desk when he heard his office door open. He smiled when he saw the Host walk in -- no flower in sight, though his hands were held behind his back. Everything was covered in blood and ink, and he left a trail of bloody droplets from the heavy flow. “Hello, my dear!” He stood from his desk, heading for the mini-fridge where he kept the Host’s transfusions, placing the bag on the cart that already held bandages, cotton balls, and disinfectant, and wheeling both it and the IV stand over to the bed. “How’re you feeling?”

The Host tilted his head, a little smile on his face, and obviously blanking on Dr. Iplier’s question as he sat on the bed. “The Host likes Dr. Iplier’s eyes. They look gold in the light.”

Dr. Iplier’s hands faltered for a moment as he set up the IV, but he smiled all the same, combing on hand through the Host’s long, shaggy hair once the IV was set up. “Thank you. Arm please?”

The Host obediently held out his arm, and Dr. Iplier pushed up his coat sleeve, inserting the IV and taping it in place. The Host still kept one hand behind his back, tilting his head the other way as ink slowly began to pool in the corner of his mouth. “Does Dr. Iplier know that I know that he knows that he loves him? Wait, that’s not right...” The Host’s brow furrowed, looking seriously troubled as he stared at Dr. Iplier, ink now rolling down his chin. “...You love me, right? The Host -- I -- sometimes -- there are realities where --” The blood flow from his sockets increased, bandages slipping down his nose. “You said that the Host was unfixable. That he wasn’t worth the effort. Is that...true?”

Dr. Iplier’s heart broke, and he cupped the Host’s face in both hands, uncaring of the blood and ink. “No, of course not! I don’t know what reality you got that from, but in this one, right here, right now...I love you. More than anything. And you are always worth the effort of fixing.”

The Host smiled again, and Dr. Iplier could practically see the remaining pieces of the Host’s mind sliding around, slotting where they shouldn’t, and he began his usual ramblings. This time it was about Dr. Iplier’s hair, how pretty it looked dyed navy blue, as Dr. Iplier changed his bandages as best he could with the constant blood flow. “You can hardly notice it without the light. It’s such a pretty color. So iridescent. Shiny. The Host is surprised Bim isn’t jealous. Dr. Iplier did steal his style after all. Bim so loves his purple hair...”

Dr. Iplier snorted, but didn’t say anything. Bim has never dyed his hair. As far as Dr. Iplier knew, he was adamantly against the idea, lamenting how badly bleach ruined hair. But the Host didn’t notice, just continued to talk and talk. “Frankly, I’m a little offended Dr. Iplier didn’t tell the Host. He could’ve made your life so much easier. Why go to a salon when the Host can just say a few words, and poof! Your hair is blue!”

...Dr. Iplier made a mental note to check in a mirror when the Host was relatively cleaned up.

“I’m sorry, Host.” Dr. Iplier kissed his forehead. He knew by now it was best to just play along with the minor differences. “You know I would’ve told you. But maybe I wanted to keep it a secret. I knew how much you’d like it.”

A blush spread across the Host’s face. “...Oh.” His smile brightened. He was moving his shoulders again, like he was flapping wings. “I have something for Dr. Iplier!”

Dr. Iplier raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Is it what you’ve been hiding behind your back this whole time?”

The Host snorted, and he drew his other hand around to the front. “No. The Host has more tact than that. It’s on your desk.”

Dr. Iplier tilted his head, finishing tying off the Host’s bandages, and wandered back over to his desk. He gasped softly. It was...a white rose, lying across his messy paperwork. Mostly white, at least. Black dots speckled it. Dr. Iplier had a feeling it was ink. “Oh Host...it’s beautiful. Thank you.”

The Host positively beamed at him, bouncing where he sat like a child. “The Host made it himself! A bit tricky, but he did! The Host wanted to do something special. It’s Valentine’s Day, after all.”

Valentine’s Day wasn’t for another two weeks. But Dr. Iplier just moved back to the Host, carding his fingers through the Host’s long hair again. He pulled off his head mirror to check -- yep, navy blue, just like the Host said. It did look kind of nice, though. “We should go out for dinner tonight then. A date.”

The Host immediately recoiled, jerking away from Dr. Iplier’s touch. “No! Don’t leave, can’t leave, too many bad things outside, home is safe, please don’t leave!”

His voice was so desperate and broken, gripping onto Dr. Iplier’s sleeve so tightly, Dr. Iplier’s heart broke. “No, hey, it’s okay! It’s alright, we don’t have to go anywhere, we can stay right here, at home, sound good?”

The Host relaxed, resting his forehead against Dr. Iplier’s chest. “...I love you. I -- no, the Host -- the Author -- no, I -- yes, I love you.”

Dr. Iplier hummed softly, petting the Host’s hair, holding him close. “I love you, too.”

And he did. 

They did. 

No matter how broken the Host was.