#but i do relate to being a woman too? so nonbinary feels best. but i certainly dont feel like a woman

[mejomonster]

Being nonbinary and dressing feminine sometimes despite very much not being a woman is. Its like hello strangers hello new friends im making please dont immediately steamroll

[saltycharacters]

Being multigender really is just struggling to not let people pick one of your genders over another yknow

[muu-kun]

Speaking of fashion, I will eventually have the appropriate amount of time to dedicate myself to a proper attire headcanon post. For now, I only have examples for silhouettes pertaining to dresses gathered. Which at this point can ultimately be narrowed down in explanation as Muu holding preference for a bodice that does not require even just a modest breast size.

Although he does wear bralettes (which is not out of gender dysphoria or euphoria on any account actually. Instead, it is more so like a running joke with himself at this point due to the fact he's actually had an infatuation with wearing them since he was a sixteen year old boy that found a bra lying in the street) he doesn't do so with the intent of applying padding to them-- especially when considering the fact he has some minor gynaecomastia due to stubbornly persistent baby fat going on. He can deal with those, but he definitely doesn't want to even so much as imply he has "real breasts."

He also isn't one to gravitate towards those built around the necessity for breasts due to the fact that he does not wish for the attire adorning his body to appear as though something (or somethings) is missing. Which is also the given reason why even in his decision to wear what is considered women's underwear underneath the dresses similar to above, he does not engage in the act of tucking. Yes, that does come within treacherous territory per the fact that he is then advertising himself as a flamboyantly youthful individual with an occasionally visible (and not incredibly well endowed, mind you) genitalia outline in his attire. That's not even to mention the detectability of his disabilities on establishing conversation with him.

Beyond that, he's not too partial to much else. Length and material is otherwise irrelevant as long as he can freely move within it to accommodate an in-between active and sedentary lifestyle. He would also best appreciate those that are not overwhelming to the senses in one manner or another-- this includes itchiness, heaviness, lack of breathability, and so on. Textures usually aren't too worrisome to him, however, as he has been raiding the closet of his female friends (such as Hannah of @kannojo predominantly) for years, so by now he knows what he does and doesn't like with enough ease that even unexpectedly finding something is unappealing to him van be easily remedied without any fit.

The bottom line with all of this is while Muu strictly wears what is primarily marketed as women's clothing, he does not do so out of the desire to be a woman. In fact, he's asked that question within himself many times only to come up with the same conclusion each time: He is simply an aged up boy caught up in having to navigate too many things at once, therefore eccentricities intended to lighten his load have transpired. Being that 99% of abusers have been men throughout the years, and women his sanctuary from them, it became sensible at some point for him to cease one struggle for favor of mirroring his safety while he sources through another. Muu has no idea even how to be a person yet, let alone a gendered one.

That is also not to say he wishes to abolish entirely in favor of utilizing they/them pronouns. In fact, it still remains quite the opposite. At this time in his life, he's not looking to be othered more than he always has acquired for himself. Being gridlocked into a perpetual state of regression in his present has been isolating enough as is that he doesn't wish for more beyond that. It also has intriguingly been almost beneficial in keeping some of his identity centered, though, as being so interwoven with his inner teen provides connection with the perspective of character held back then.

When he was sixteen, he was very self assured in nearly all aspects in life until led to second guessing the bulk of them. Of those is one of which where he was well adamant that he was a boy with a preference for he/him pronouns to demonstrate that. And while he's been able to find appreciation for femininity that he'd have otherwise mocked in his youth, that is as far as it goes for the time being. Working beyond the semantics of that just isn't on the table at this time in his life.

Where he might go with it during Pride Month is still up to him, but, really, his focus is far more centered on fulfilling and answering other aspects of his person at this time. Generalized comfort and safety are of the utmost importance to his emotionally led manner of living. Once that is established, whether or not he opts for reintroducing what is considered men's attire back into his wardrobe is completely up in the air.

[kiragecko]

This is a post about why I'm currently considering myself to be nonbinary, but it's not a post about gender.

-

It’s about 90% of the elementary school girls wanting to sit on the grass and talk about boys, and me still not understanding why even now, in my mid 30s.

It’s about ‘girls books’ that were all about friendship drama and worrying about menstruating, and how these were framed as universal concerns. My only friends were a pair of male cousins and we mostly cared about how our Lego ninjas’ castle infiltration was going. (The options were limited in my small library in the mid-90s.)

It’s about the ‘wild’, ‘disobedient’, and 'hyper' kids in the books I grew up with being so much better behaved than me, even on my best day, that I’d puzzle over it for weeks. Maybe if my parents were stricter I would be able to follow instructions easier? Maybe I was one of the mean kids in those books? Why was nobody in books like me?

It’s about the revulsion I feel when I think about ‘romantic’ gestures. Remembering my mom getting flowers from someone at church, and my aunt getting upset when I laughed about how she wouldn’t like them. MY MOM IS ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS, but a person who had nothing to do with the situation got offended that I didn’t consider them a thoughtful and nice gift. It makes me feel nauseous thinking about how I’m ‘supposed’ to think things that I don’t want and can’t use are loving gifts, just because society decided they were.

It's about people wanting me to already know their social conventions, and feeling like they are doing SO MUCH WORK when they make allowances for my mistakes, but thinking that learning anything about how I like to communicate is asking far too much of them.

It's about trying to make friends as a teen, and all the guys getting upset or weird when it became clear that wasn't code for dating.

It's about makeup giving me rashes, and my hair being done up giving me headaches.

It’s about women in lingerie in ads, and how I wore a headscarf for a year in reaction to how that made me feel.

It's about learning biblical gender roles, and getting really excited about the idea of protection and love in return for submission. And then finding out I like the BDSM understanding of protection and submission a lot more than I like the church's. That the person I love doesn't have the skill to protect me in ways that make submission safe.

It’s about having noise and light sensitivities, but being expected to enjoy crowded weddings.

It’s about people acting disgusted when I get too loud. Or excited. Or happy. Or interested.

It's about 'body language experts' that ""explain"" what various gestures mean, and it's about that month when my husband believed them and told me I was wrong about what I felt.

It's about definitions of 'womanhood' and 'humanity' that contain things that exclude me. And learning how to be okay with being the exception this time. And eventually getting so used to being the exception that I can no longer connect to the concept at all.

It's about only reading fantasy, now, because an elf's experience isn't supposed to be relatable.

It’s about learning that ‘I actually wanted’ things I didn’t want, and I was ‘unreasonable’ when I said no, and I was being ‘too sensitive’ when things physically or emotionally hurt.

It’s about being ADHD and aroace and weird in far too many ways; in a culture that seems to consider that to be willful rebellion and disrespect.

-

I don’t know how to be a woman. I don’t know how to feel good about being a woman. I don't feel I can fulfill the roles and dynamics associated with femininity. I can't present myself in the expected ways, and I don't really want to. In isolation, 'woman' feels like an accurate description. But than I think of OTHER people considering me a woman, and having the right to define what that means, and I just can't.

I need a break from considering myself female, so I can figure out how to do it in a way that doesn’t break me.

I want to learn how to interact with other people in a way that are less exhausting and painful. Engage on my own terms, and disengage if those terms aren’t fulfilled. Protect my own boundaries with strangers and acquaintances - people I don’t expect to make allowances for me. Not by demanding things of them, but by only offering myself on certain terms.

I don't want to ask anything about anyone else. I'm tired of it being about them. I want to ask things of myself. Ask for respect, and care. Figure out what that would actually look like. I want to process and let go of my self-hatred and feelings of being 'designed wrong'.

I've heard the terms 'acegender' and 'neurogender'. They don't excite me, but I recognize that's part of what's going on. Having ADHD gets in the way of performing womanhood to the point that it becomes hard to separate them. And some much of femaleness is defined in relation to being a part of a heterosexual romantic couple. I've got the man, but that hasn't helped me decode the mysteries of romantic and sexual attraction. The baffling concept of men having some sort of allure that women lack, of being a different category.

But, like my marriage isn't about my lack of attraction (it's about the choice I made to love him, and the decade plus of commitment we've had to each other), being nonbinary isn't about my lack of understanding of and ability to perform womanhood. It's about choosing to love myself, and recognizing that I've internalized enough harmful beliefs that I can't healthily identify as female right now.

It's not about gender.

[butch-with-a-deep-voice]

What made you feel like using the term “butch” to describe yourself despite some of your obvious feminine qualities? (This is an absolutely genuine question coming from somebody who is trying their best to figure out “which box” they fit into).

I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out if I’m “butch enough” which I know sounds ridiculous. I know that there’s such a spectrum and not everybody is strictly “butch” or “femme” but I guess I feel called to butchhood. But I invalidate my own feelings by finding all the ways in which I’m “too feminine” for it.

I’m genderqueer as well so it can be hard for me to find the right balance between my masculine and feminine features that make me feel euphoric.

Hey anon, so this is a very good question, and one I really want to take some time with. As such, I will provide two answers. A short copout answer if you don't have the energy to read a lot, and a long answer.

Short answer, and I really hate when I have to pull out this answer but well...

It's no different than gender euphoria in of itself. Each person is different, and it is based off of well, vibes. It's things like how I can be beside my he/they nonbinary friend, let's call him C, in the exact same outfit as him, and all our friends are like "yup, Nomi looks butch, and C looks boy-adjacent". It's vibes, and there's no real easy way to explain it further than that.

Now lovely anon/reader, if you want something a little more... nuanced (and just as inconclusive), strap in. Pun fully intended.

So I've been mulling over this for a few hours already before typing, and of course my overly analytic ass started scripting this whole thing around exploring the history of butch and femme identities, the gender politics of the matter, the racial contexts, etc. before realizing that doesn't answer your question; how did I specifically, a trans-feminine two-spirit person, reach butch being where I felt the most at home in myself despite apparent feminine aspects of myself? Understanding the history, cultural implications, and other nuanced portions of "butch" as an identity was a huge part of how I got there, and so I'll briefly go over that, but it's also important to keep my copout answer in mind as well. You know yourself best. It's well, vibes.

Let's start with the barebones identity of butch. I think a good place to start is understanding that while all butches are masculine, not all mascs are butch. Same with femme vs. feminine. It's something you claim, you embody. It's well, an identity. For many, myself included, it's an inseparable part of ones gender identity to boot. And like all identities, it is often intersectional with other facets of your life. Gender, sexuality, race/ethnicity, culture, etc. For me, Butch ties directly to my Two-Spirit identity. Part of being a Michif (Métis) Two-Spirit person is holding both the masculine and feminine at all times. While not necessarily a woman in the western sense, I feel woman-adjacent. My "feminine spirit" comes from feeling woman-adjacent, and honestly when around other Michif women, like a Michif woman (but that's a conversation for another day). My "masculine spirit" comes from being a butch Michif lesbian, amongst other things. If I had to describe how my gender "feels", Two-Spirit Butch feels honestly the most accurate, even if that doesn't fit into a Western queer lens that nicely. I may have, as you said anon, apparent feminine aspects to myself that counter my masculinity, but part of being Two-Spirit is holding those with love, honor, and compassion. Feminine spirit doesn't negate my queer masculinity, if anything it augments it. But, exploration of my Two-Spirit identity and how it relates to being butch likely won't be of much help to most of the non-indigenous readers.

Let's look at a more Western approach, because Butch is just that, a rather Western queer term. I do want to preface that as a trans-feminine person there are many within queer spaces that believe I do not have the right to claim butch for myself. To them I counter, bugger off terfs. I would also like to point out that while in a modern sense butch more or less refers to a masculine lesbian identity, that was not always the case. Butch for many many years was an identity to describe queer masculinity as a baseline, regardless of lesbian, gay, bisexual, etc. Especially in queer BIPOC communities. Butch becoming a lesbian-centric term is much newer within the queer lexicon (with some pointing to white queer culture stealing a term from BIPOC queer culture, but that is a topic I do not have the expertise to go into). While both butch itself, and queer masculinity as a whole have evolved since those times, I think keeping that historical context in mind is important.

To me, part of why I claimed "Butch" specifically is how it relates to non-conformity of expected womanhood. While I do not claim woman in the Western sense, during the early phases of transition, I began by identifying as a woman, and trying to abandon all of masculinity and what it came with. You can find a bit more of how that went in this post. I dove headfirst into femininity and hit my head on the floor of the pool so hard I ended up right back in dysphoria central, just a different kind. But, that exploration of womanhood and femininity were integral in why I claimed butch for myself. I don't think I ever would have claimed it had I not. One of the common factors with every AFAB butch I've met is a rejection of the expectations of womanhood that Western culture thrusts upon them. Personally, I don't think it would have been right for me to claim butch without having first explored Western femininity and it's expectations to the extent I had.

Eventually I finally admitted to myself that, while I knew for certain I wasn't a man, I didn't feel right as a feminine (Western) woman either. So, what was I? I felt more at home, more welcome, and more loved amongst queer women, lesbians especially, than I ever had with queer men. Hard androgyny and genderqueer (which btw I do not identify with genderqueer, not upset with you though) didn't feel right either. There were aspects of classical womanhood from a physical standpoint I knew were in line with myself after many years of HRT. Breasts, my waist line, my now feminine skin texture, my legs, honestly my entire estrogen-sculpted body. Hell, while I haven't gotten full vaginoplasty for medical reasons, I would if I could, Stone Top identity aside. I felt at home around women and lesbians, as a Michif woman/lesbian, but not in femininity. As described in the post I linked in the previous paragraph, the first true step was reclaiming masculinity, and making room for healthy queer masculinity separate from gender.

I want to bring up this exploration of the meaning behind the colours of the lesbian flag for a moment. For me, Butch and all it encompasses, is a part of all of these. Gender non-conformity I think is self explanatory. I am a walking defiance of gender norms and expectation at this point, and butchness as a whole is as well. Independence can mean many different things to different people, but I feel self sufficient as a butch. I feel competent. I feel secure. Mostly importantly though, it is an identity I feel independent in. For years and years I let my expression of gender and sexuality be defined by those around me. Past partners, friends, family, coworkers, etc. I could not claim butch until I took a step away from all of those. I stopped letting them dictate who I was, and let myself learn who I was independently. Community and butch is always going to be linked. Butch is a community-centric identity. When I tell someone in the queer community I'm butch, they know what it means. In a single word I can describe large swathes of my experience and how I relate to the world. But it also comes with community role and responsibilities. Butches and Femmes protect eachother. Butches provide safe masculinity in queer spaces that heals wounds for so many people, including other butches. Butches take up space in a room to ensure other non-butch women have space. We protect, we heal, we love. Butch love is so fucking unique and important to a community. Butch comes with a community meaning, but also community role and responsibility, and to me that is a big part of why I feel comfortable claiming it. Serenity and Peace is so many things. Both internal and external. I have peace within myself as a butch. I feel more peace with myself now than I did for so many years. When I finally said it outloud, said I was a butch lesbian, and people affirmed that, it was like a weight I never even knew existed was lifted. I've felt happier in my time openly being butch than I have in ages, and everyone around me as noticed it too. Friends, family, coworkers all comment on just how happy, confident, and at peace internally I've been. Love and Sex this is a doozy of a topic that I truthfully do not have the desire to explore right now. It is important, but I am not in the headspace for it. But butch love is unique in itself. As for sex, well. Please refer to the wild swathes of queer theory and discourse out there. As an off-hand example relating to myself though, see Stone Butch. Unique Relationships to Womanhood/Feminity. I explicitly wanted to link these together. As a Two-Spirit butch, and a trans-femme one at that, my relationship to womanhood and femininity is unique, complicated, and at times inexplicable. The fact that I can say I don't identify as a Western woman, but with other Michif woman I do feel like a woman, is one confusing way. The fact that butch being a gender identity to me is another. But one aspect I want to explore is this notion that masculine and feminine are antithetical to eachother, when I don't think they need to be. I'm not androgynous. I hold both masculine and feminine, not a middle thing. My masculinity is queer masculinity, and I genuinely think queer masculinity MUST be in some way shape or form partially feminine. There is a softness to queer masculinity. A vulnerability. A tenderness. Queer masculinity is often gentle, loving, soothing. All things associated with Western notions of femininity, not masculinity. But queer masculinity, non-Western masculinity, makes room for those things. You wouldn't look at a mother bear protecting her cubs and say "that's not motherly behaviour, that's not womanhood". My relationship to my feminine self is in relationship to my masculine self. They are tied, and being butch, being a soft butch at that, encompasses it.

I think finally a topic I've been dancing around, though alluded to multiple times, is that first copout answer. Vibes, and gender euphoria as a part of vibes. From the vibes standpoint, what I have to offer is this anecdotal piece. When I told my friends that I was mulling around with the idea of claiming butch, basically every single one went "... yeah? You didn't know that?" Off of vibes alone every single one of my queer friends already knew I was butch. From behaviour, to what I was most comfortable in fashion wise, to how I related to others, they all knew that my "vibes" were butch already, well before I had even remotely considered it. As for the other hard to define aspect... As a non-cis person yourself anon, you mentioned it already. Gender euphoria is a weirdly difficult to attain thing. I spent years on years of experimentation, exploration, and rumination trying to find my euphoria. Trying to find the spot I'm in now, where I find myself loving what's in the mirror every single day. Butch got me to the point that I legitimately look in my mirror and love what I see Every. Single. Day. I take selfies of myself because I love what I look like, even in just a hoodie in sweats, every day now. I put more casual care into how I look now, because I love myself, more than I ever did before. I take better care of my health. I have more self confidence. I'm happier and more stable emotionally. Hell, I'm a better friend, coworker, and community member now as a butch than I ever had capacity to be beforehand. It's not just me noticing that too. Near everyone in my life started making note of it anytime I took another step into fully claiming butch for myself. The biggest reason I feel right in claiming butch is that frankly, how can you look at secure, holistic, stable happiness like this and not say it's right.

There's a lot more I want to say here, but I've already been at this for nearly three hours, and that's on top of the two hours I spent just thinking on the matter to boot. I hope I was able to answer your question at least partially anon, and that it helps you with your own gender expression/identity journey. I think the only other thing I want to say is that it's okay if what you identify with now changes. It doesn't invalidate what you feel now, just like how you are now doesn't invalidate what you felt was right for your say, 5 years ago. Human experience and identity evolves, it grows, it changes. If you feel right with butch now, excellent. If you end up realizing that it was just a stepping stone in discovering your unique patch of gender euphoria, that is just as excellent. Rootin' for ya anon 💕

[possibilistfanfiction]

can i say i absolutely love how you write ava being casually nonbinary so much. there are no fucking words to describe how much i fucking love your in depth exploration of butch beatrice, especially as an asian genderqueer sapphic who relates a lot to beatrice, your fics about it is definitely some of my top fav fics in the fandom, and like lowkey inspiring to me in my own journey to better accepting my queerness and exploring what it means for me, but also on the other end of the spectrum, i just love the casual simplicity (not sure if that’s the word i’m looking for) you write ava being nonbinary with

ava’s nonbinary, and it’s just a simple everyday fact of life just like the grass is green and the sun goes up and down everyday, there’s no need to dwell on it because ava doesn’t need to dwell on it and maybe her relationship or feelings about gender will change or get more complicated in the future or they won’t change one bit, but that doesn’t matter because it’s not the future right now and they’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it

[lil teeny bit of nb ava for the culture]

//

'hey,' ava says, trailing a hand up and down the inside of your forearm, 'do you... do you care?'

you have absolutely no idea what she's talking about; you care about a lot of things, and, more and more, there are plenty of things you also let fall to the wayside: sometimes they just are.

'do i care about what?'

ava sighs, scoots a little away from you on the couch, tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. 'that i — i don't feel like i have a gender, or whatever. like, i'm a girl, i guess? but only because that's what people thought, and told me. but i don't feel like anything else. i mean, first of all, the gender binary is a tool of colonial oppression and white supremacy, especially when employed by the church —'

'— yes, that's true —'

'— but also, i have a literal divine battery pack keeping me alive, allegedly —'

'— the halo definitely is keeping you alive, we know that —'

'— and i've been to, like, realms and stuff. met a few gods; fought a few demons. fell in love with you.' she smiles softly. 'so it's just... limiting, to me. it feels limiting, to be one thing.'

'i don't think binary gender makes sense to me either,' you say, allow yourself to admit. ava probably has figured it out, even if you haven't been able to say it: you wear a binder some days, and you don't feel anything against she/her pronouns but there's masculinity and androgyny you crave, that you're just starting to feel steady and free enough to explore. 'i feel it differently than you — for me, being a woman is a particular experience that matters, but not in the way people want women to be. i don't know, it's a work in progress.' she squeezes your hand with a gentle smile. 'but, ava, i only care insomuch as you're the love of my life, and i want you to feel seen and cared for, just for who you are. i want to know you, whoever that is.'

she swallows and rests her head on your chest; the documentary about mushrooms she had put on in the background plays quietly. 'thank you.' she turns so her nose is pressed against your sternum, hugging you tight. 'i just know it's taken you a long time to, like, be okay with your own sexuality, and i didn't want to throw you for a loop if you were feeling really comfy with, you know.'

'being a lesbian?' you ask, try to keep the laugh out of your voice. 'i certainly don't want that to ever exclude gender expansive people, even if it's a word i like.'

'well, of course,' ava says, her breath warm through your t-shirt. 'you're you; you're the best there is.'

'i don't know about that.'

'nah, it's true. i do know. i'm the beatrice expert. god says so too, direct message. hotter jesus, remember?'

you do laugh, this time, and rub comfortingly up and down her spine, still your hand over the faint, warm hum of the halo. 'no matter what pronouns you use, or what name feels right, or what your gender expression is, i love you. i'm queer, which is expansive and abundant.' you have to swallow because, maybe for the first time ever, you believe the words wholeheartedly. your friends and your therapist and books and music and shows that you love have said them; you have said them, before, but not quite like this. the grace you want to give to ava is far beyond the grace you have ever allowed of yourself. 'queerness is infinite. and so is my love for you.'

ava sniffles and then wipes her nose with the back of her hand, props herself up on an elbow and kisses you. 'the same goes for you, you know that, right?'

'yes,' you say. 'i — i hold it close, often.'

she pauses, holds your jaw in her palm, and then kisses you. you kiss her back, with your eyes closed, with tears pressing at them that won't fall, not this time.

ava doesn't hesitate a few days later when she introduces herself to a few of your friends and says that they can use any pronouns; she tries on one of your binders one afternoon and then frowns and laughs and says, god, i love my boobs but then quietly makes sure to massage your shoulders every evening after that. she tries on any clothes she wants, picks out a suit one day that she whistles at when she sees herself in the mirror, and then laughs. there's quiet nights and loud brunches and your friends who consistently use different pronouns for ava without batting an eye, and it makes her smile even as she dumps salsa that will be way too hot on her chilaquiles and then has to eat them trying to hide a grimace. you don't know how to have that much freedom, not yet, but ava holds your hand and leads you along, always.

you're figuring it out, the loosening of limits you'd set so tight within yourself; ava's figuring it out too: how to be, and how to become when, of course, there's still cruelty — but there's infinite abundance too. you turn back to the documentary — all the fungi that weaves its ways in and out of the world, for longer than you can imagine. all the fish in the sea; all the stars in the sky — a steadfastness and a wonder and a joy, to exist beyond. to become.

[adhbabey]

Happy Trans Day of Visibility!!!

[plaintext: Happy trans day of visibility!!!]

I suppose I'll talk about my gender here, being a part of the white stripe on the trans flag. And why I don't really like calling myself trans, but I feel like this is an important story to share.

I'm nonbinary, but I didn't first feel that way, and as a kid, I thought I was cis. I questioned my gender like others, and said I didn't mind being a boy, I even made several male versions of myself just for fun. I felt like they wouldn't mind being a girl either. And that just continued until I reached my twenties, and had left for college.

I never felt dysphoric in the same way other people do. And I never felt like I can align myself with "human" gender. That those binaries just don't apply to me, because I don't really seem to fit into how humans socially define their gender. I confessed to my trans sibling that "my gender is vampire", or "my gender is a cat". Maybe I should have realized other things sooner.

So when I found out that I had a system in early 2019, due to issues I had in college, and deeply relating to a DID youtuber discussing systemhood, it kind of made sense to me that I didn't align with gender in the way that normal people do. That I didn't mind being a guy sometimes, even though the "me" that I am, enjoys presenting femininely. I wasn't one person anymore. I was always a system. And I had people of many different genders and identities within me.

I decided the best gender for everyone to collectively identify with, was nonbinary. I am nonbinary.

The philosophies that I don't fit into normal human binary was there, and the idea that I was okay with being more than one gender was proven to be true. And I wasn't just nonbinary, I was systemfluid* and multigender**.

*systemfluid means that my gender and identity changes depending on whose fronting. **multigender means that I'm multiple genders at once, depending on whatever I'm currently identifying as, but also if multiple parts of me are here at once.

And there's some things that feel like gender but aren't gender, just diverse identity from what is the norm. So that feels like gender, but isn't. Some people refer to it as otherkin, I refer to it as "supernatural", but I fall under the identity of non-human as well. I'm nonhuman because of my system and also my spiritual beliefs. Of course I'm not a cis human woman, I'm not even a human. I don't feel that way at all.

But it also should have made sense to me long ago that I'm autistic between all of this. I mean, heck, despite everything, I don't feel normal because I don't have a normal brain to begin with. I feel like other autistic trans and nonbinary people can relate. It's just funny how things like that work out.

However, I've never felt fully comfortable with the trans label. I know I'm supposed to accept it just like other nonbinary trans people do, but I feel ashamed that I don't have the same exact experiences as many trans people. I don't want to transition, I like that I have long hair and a high pitched voice. Even if I want to change my body, some ways are just impossible. I can't make my eyes glow gold, or have my fangs come out, I can't have floating bat wings, I can't have forever pointed ears. I've just accepted my body will never look like the way it's supposed to be. I don't even experience dysphoria the same way other trans people do. I have plenty of body dysmorphia and otherwise, but unless a male alter is fronting, my body is just acceptable to have. Even if I were to have dysphoria for my gender, it would be partial anyway.

I just don't feel like I align with most definitions of gender identity and it's crazy that I exist at all. But my story deserves to be here too. So happy trans day of visibility, and an extra happy trans day to trans and nonbinary people like me. <333

[nerves-nebula]

hi there, i want to ask about your usage of it/its pronouns, sorry if this might make you uncomfortable or if its weird or confusing

are your it/its pronouns any different from it/its pronouns for an object? I don't know how to word it sorry, I'm just trying to understand more about other types of pronouns

It’s fine. They aren’t different from an objects it/its to me, because objects & animals & concepts aren’t inherently inferior to humans, so I wouldn’t really mind being in the same group as them conceptually.

It’s a mindset I haven’t fully gotten into but I’m trying to rework the way I see the world, inspired partially by the things I’ve heard native Americans say. Like, I am not better than the food I eat because I’m human. A bear isn’t better than me because they can eat me & kill me. Humans are a part of the earth and would do best to work inside of it and with it than to try to control it or put ourselves on a higher level than it’s other creatures.

I mean clearly we can’t be all that much smarter & more important, what with what we’ve got going on.

But anyway, my pronoun change was at first honestly just the most logical conclusion.

Here’s my train of thought: I didn’t like he or she, Im not a man or a woman. and they/them don’t tell you anything about my gender. If you hear someone call me they/them you aren’t even gonna know I have a weird gender!

Similar to how man and woman are genders, but Non-binary isn’t. Non-binary just describes what you aren’t, its an umbrella term not (inherently) a specific gender. it’s very broad and most nonbinary people I’ve seen & met still identify in parts with man and woman. They/them is so vague that no one would bat an eye if you slipped in a they while describing a cis person who clearly reads as their assigned gender.

And I’m too forgetful & lazy to use neopronouns so, it/it’s was the natural choice. It’s easier to integrate because people already use it/it’s for stuff all the time.

And see, here’s the thing: I have a gender, I’m not vague or in between or a mix. And it’s much closer to like, the idea of a Third Gender. This was something that frustrated me a lot in high school because I would go looking for labels and most of them were about proximity to manhood & womanhood. Or about being agender or neutral. Or about concepts I fully did not relate to. I am not one of those things.

Another issue I had was that a lot of these gender labels had “-gender” at the end which doesn’t make sense to me at all. It’s not mangender and womangender so I didn’t vibe with this naming scheme.

I was also hesitant to use a label a white person made because I’d noticed that white people kind of have a different experience with nonbinary gender than people like me.

Luckily I found the perfect label! Maverique! It had no weird -gender suffix and it was made by a black person who created it online after realizing neutral/agender didn’t fit right.

And yea so it/its is a signifier of me as a third thing. not male, not female, not neutral or in between or lacking gender- just a different kind of person.

And this isn’t even getting into all the ways that I related to monsters in media, which were frequently called by it/it’s pronouns. Or how being abused factors into seeing myself as a non human THING and how embracing that makes me feel much more alive & like a person.

So yea, that’s the run down :)

[delta-orionis]

i wanna hear about the simon aroace beam pls

(Tumblr is apparently trying to silence me because this is the second time I'm writing out this answer. Anyway.)

I already made a post about my aroace Simon headcanons several years ago, but I'm more than happy to talk about it again. (Also I'm not sure if you specifically ever beat SOMA, so you're probably unfamiliar with some of the points I made in the aforementioned post. I'll do my best to explain.)

(Continued under the cut)

Simon is an interesting character because he's an everyman. I often joke about how he's Just Some Guy who's having the worst day ever. He's had a pretty average life (aside from the recent loss of his friend and traumatic brain injury), and it doesn't come up often in the text of the game. He brings it up sometimes, but it isn't the focus of his dialogue. He was thrust from an unremarkable life in 2015 into Undersea Robot Hell and is forced to make some serious decisions about the fate of the human race, so he has other priorities.

His characterization as an everyman combined with the fact that we don't actually know a lot about his life before the events of SOMA make Simon a very easy character to project your own experiences onto. This makes him a good fit for a video game protagonist because it makes it easy for the player to relate to him. It also means that it's easy to fill in the blanks of his characterization with your own ideas. I've personally seen lots of different interpretations of his gender and sexuality; I've seen people headcanon him as straight, gay, bisexual, etc etc. His gender is also an entire can of worms; I've seen people make compelling arguments that he's a trans man, a trans woman, and even nonbinary and agender.

Anyway... this was all preface for my thesis that Simon is aroace. The easy explanation is that I, an aroace person, find it easy to project my own experiences on to him in a way that makes sense to me. I've talked to a few other aroace SOMA fans about this, and they've agreed. (This is what I mean by the aroace beam. I simply enjoy headcanoning characters I like as aroace, because I, too, am aroace. I'm hitting them with my beam attack. Metaphorically. I've now rendered the joke unfunny by explaining it.)

(Side note- there's a running joke in the SOMA server I run that many SOMA fans are asexual. There certainly are a number of them in that specific server, however this also might be confirmation bias, because I haven't done a fandom-wide survey or anything like that. It also might be because I promote the server heavily on my blog, and as an openly aroace person, I probably have a statistically significant amount of aspec followers who are then compelled to join the server I help run. More research is required, I guess.)

The longer explanation for this headcanon is that, within the text of the game, Simon doesnt' appear to be very concerned with sex or romance.

In the dream sequence at the beginning of the game, Simon tells Ashley he wants to tell her something, and she responds with "please don't make this weird". A lot of people tend to interpret this as Simon working up the courage to tell Ashley he has a crush on her. The scene ends abruptly before this can be confirmed. However, there are a few unused voice lines in the game files that extend the scene a bit. Simon was originally supposed to say "I'm sorry" to Ashley before the dream ended. This implies that he wanted to apologize to her for involving her in the car accident that ended her life, not confess a crush.

There is another dream sequence later in the game, the context being that Simon is under the influence of the WAU and is being shown an idealized version of his life. He sees Ashley, alive and standing in his apartment, where she declares that the two of them are in love. Simon seems confused about this and wakes up shortly after.

I will admit that this scene implies he has romantic feelings for her. However, in the post I made a few years ago, I talked about how a common experience for a lot of aroace people is not being able to distinguish between different types of attraction and how this can lead to aces convincing themselves that they have a crush on someone when what they really desire is a platonic relationship:

I think what sells it the most for me is that, during the dream sequence with Ashley, when Ashley tells him that they’re a couple, he sounds confused. You could interpret this as general confusion (he doesn’t know how Ashley is suddenly alive again or why they’re suddenly in a relationship), but I like to think that he’s conflicted about his feelings for her. He knows he wants to be close to her, but he’s not sure if being a romantic couple is exactly what he wants. If the dream sequence is supposed to be an idealized scenario, then why is he conflicted about the thing he supposedly wants?

Simon strikes me as the type of guy who isn’t super informed about LGBT stuff. He probably knows a little bit about general LGBT stuff, but maybe hasn’t learned about asexuality, or he doubts that it could apply to him. He might think that, because he wants to be close with Ashley, that the next logical step would be a romantic relationship, even if his feelings are actually just platonic. (I know from personal experience growing up asexual that I would sometimes invent crushes on people, when in reality my feelings were just platonic and I actually just wanted to be their friend. From what I’ve heard, this is a common experience for a lot of aro and ace people from before they learned about asexuality/aromanticism.)

I recognize that this interpretation might be bending canon a bit. Occam's razor would imply that he simply has a romantic crush on Ashley, but that's no fun.

SOMA is a game that is, overall, pretty uninterested in exploring romantic or sexual relationships. It also features two main characters of different genders (Simon and Catherine) who develop a strong platonic relationship over the course of the game. I, personally, find it a breath of fresh air, especially when a lot of science fiction and cyberpunk stories have a heavy emphasis on sex. (I'm definitely not bitter about all the weird sexism present in cyberpunk novels like Neuromancer, for example...)

I suppose it makes sense, then, that the game would have a sizeable amount of aroace fans. I personally think there is something inherently queer about the game- although not explicit in the text, transhumanist stories like SOMA can be read as metaphors for queer experiences. Questioning one's identity and humanity is something that a lot of LGBT people do on a regular basis, so it makes perfect sense that they would relate to a character from a game exploring those topics, albeit through a science fiction lens.

Anyway. Very, very long story short, I hit Simon with my aroace beam attack because I think it's fun. He means a lot to me and I like thinking about him.

(Don't get me started on what I think about his gender. He's got so much going on in that department and absolutely no time to come to terms with it all. That's a post for another day.)

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, I hope you enjoyed reading, etc etc. I'm going to go back to rotating Simon in my brain now.

[cock-holliday]

I saw your post about gender-positive community and I loved it so much, but at the same time I feel hopeless about finding these kind of spaces for myself. You've described so many amazing experiences and I'm so happy for you- I'm wondering how to find those, I don't know what I'm doing wrong that I feel rejection or disinterest from every queer community I'm trying to be part of, and I keep blaming myself for being too GNC and not fitting in any box.

Oh, anon, I'm very sorry for your struggles. Fortunately or unfortunately, I can very much relate. It rubs me a bit the wrong way that a number of folks have said on that post (or others) that discourse is an online problem that doesn't happen offline. Which is...blatantly not true. Yes, plenty of shitty takes come from knowing no offline queers but many people actually take their tumblr-poisoned opinions into offline spaces. And certainly, not all or even most of the BS you find offline is due to tumblr discourse.

I'd say, simply, it isn't your fault and you aren't doing anything wrong by being you. As with any vulnerability, you are simultaneously open to those who will love you best and those who will know how to hurt you worst. When I first came out as bi, I was proud of my identity and wanted it to be known regardless of my partner's gender. It allowed me to connect with other bisexuals! ...and also opened me to a lot of biphobia. When I was a binary trans person, regardless of if it was early in my transition or late when I was cis-passing, I was open about being trans. I preferred to find out it was a deal-breaker as early as possible. It allowed me to connect with other trans people--especially when people didn't know I was trans. ...it also opened me up to a torrent of transphobia, a lot of which crushed my confidence at the time.

Now with being nonbinary I exist in this sort of grey area. There isn't really "passing as me" to most people. I can pass as a man or a woman. I am sometimes read or assumed as a trans woman or trans man. But most people assign one box or the other. Which is not always ideal, or sometimes can be bothersome--other times dangerous. In some places I am stealth. Sometimes as different things. Sometimes I've had to pick and choose between authenticity and safety and sometimes the threshold changes.

Rejection is, deeply deeply unfortunately, a part of the risk of being open. And it sucks. It sucks so bad, anon. You will get shit from bigots, you will get shit from queers that hold power or status over you, and you will get it from peers who feel like your identity is somehow a threat to them. I really don't have any advice for how to stop that--for the thousands of lovely comments on that post, I still got a swath of angry anons sending vile shit over it. Being truly genuinely apologetically your queer self makes people angry. It's terrible and sucks to experience, but the best I can offer for that is you are supremely not alone.

The advice I can give is keep seeking out community. I didn't know any other trans people until I joined my college's LGBT club. The club had some stuff that sucked and it also introduced me to one of my best friends. I went alone to a trans vigil and found both friends and a warmth that religious leaders had attended to offer prayer with those who were religious. I went to a queer community meeting and it sucked and one of the other people who hated it and I became friends. We aren't still friends but I'm still friends with people they went on to introduce me to. I shared a lot of wonderful experiences I've had, but not all of them held significance for me until long after they had passed. Looking back, reexamining, taking what I can from what I had and keeping going back for more has sustained me.

Keep seeking out community. If the community isn't what you want, take the pieces that are salvageable with you until you find something better. This includes online. There are so many wonderful messages on that post. Follow blogs that resonate. Collect as much as you can online, offline, in media--books have been such a refuge for me! Over and over finding that people related to my struggles gave me such a sense of peace.

I realized I was trans because of tumblr. I met lifelong trans friends offline. Some of the most lifechanging books I've ever read got recommended to me online. I played so many sports and took up so many hobbies and had so many experiences in an effort to find irl community. Online spaces made me feel so much less alone. I met so many queers when I wasn't even looking--just getting involved in any community spaces/efforts. My girlfriend, who I love so very dearly, who sees me more clearly than maybe anyone I've ever met, who takes all the complicated messy parts of me and loves them as a whole, not in spite of each other...I met her on tumblr. One of my best friends and I met on one of the scariest most brutal days of my life out in the real world. They met their partner on tumblr.

Find reality checks offline where you can to get away from tumblr bullshit. Find sameness in online spaces that you can't readily find offline. It's so hard to find community and love and acceptance. It's hard to be queer. And "too queer" for queer spaces. Sometimes you have to hide a bit of yourself for safety, and sometimes you can find room to flourish.

I hope that post gives you a piece to hold onto. I hope this response does. I hope that post can connect you to other people. Or give you the confidence to try a new scene or space offline. Keep trying. It's not you, it's the world we live in, but you and twenty-six thousand people and counting do not accept that it has to be that way.

Keep putting yourself out there. The right crowd will love you for it.

I love you for it, anon!

[rainbowspinch]

Things my partner and I have said about CTC characters, an ongoing draft

“Bill Danton is baby girl”

“Norman would love Disney Princesses”

“Jacob probably does many forms of art that most wouldn’t associate with him. Like he could design a house really well but people would go ‘that’s not a Jacob thing’”

“Jacob does sculpting. His housewarming gift to Norman when he moved next door was a middle finger statue.”

“When Norman went into his new house for the first time, he found all the statues Jacob had been storing in there of himself.”

“Tom’s got a touch of the ‘tism. Another one for the pit.”

“They’ve all got autism. In our world, autism is the default and you have to prove you’re allistic.”

“I like that he is a little fucked up.” (About the Ink Demon)

“Jane has slight shaken baby(adult?) syndrome. Bill shakes her with passion”

“It’s the discord kitten in him.” (About Bill Danton)

“I LOVE HOW MAN HE IS” (about someone else’s interpretation of Sammy)

“Certified boy holder” (about someone else’s interpretation of Sammy)

“The babies. He is So Ugly<3” (about the Tom plush)

“Allison would be a crystal girl in modern days. Susie would be one of the ones with a super complex skin-care routine”

“Do you think big Bendy accepts Sammy’s weird behaviour because he gives good tummy scratches”

“Susie would hate mullets. A lot of them would. Not Jacob.”

“Norman would fucking love the song Piano Man. He would sing that shit with heart.”

“Do you think Abby helped Richie through dealing with Dave’s death?”

“Sammy+Susie: the mean girls

Jack: the cat kid”

“Norman finally exercising his ice cream rights” (about a video of a man on a game show eating an entire pint of ice cream and then feeling sick afterwards)

“High school mean girls Susie and Sammy definitely practiced kissing together”

“Me: where would Jacob be from?

Rat: Ohio probably. Look at him”

“Me: Sammy. Is he British?

Rat: yes. He tries not to be”

“I literally spent $50 on this shirt because I looked at it and went “OOooOu Norman!””

“No arguments, Nice is a people pleaser. She wants to be Alice’s best pal ever, even if that means she has to commit to atrocious crimes” (about Malice Angel’s two different voices)

“Norman goes to a thrift shop and goes “ooooo for me”. Jacob goes to a thirft shop and goes “ooooo for Norman”. Strange gay things for a strange gay man”

“Got shoved in a locker for being a nerd” (about Grant)

“I can’t explain how, but the way you’re typing is Tom like” (about me calling crabs Big Boys, Tiny Boys, and then struggling to spell anemone, followed by “how the fuck do I spell this shit”)

“He loves almonds. Nut boy. Nut boy.” (About Norman)

“Kismesis. Mmm. Regret regret regret regret” (me regretting referring to something Homestuck related while talking about Prophet Sammy and Malice)

“Do u think Tom Boris cleans people. Like lick lick.”

“What’s more powerful then being nothing AND A WOMAN AT THE SAME TIME” (conceptualising nonbinary transfem Bertie)

“He looks like a Mangle” (about Bendy-Bot)

“Old Men that make Unexpectedly Nice Poetry” (about Henry and Norman)

“Bertie: You want meeee to come put of retirement to work on your silly little project? Do I get anything out if it?

Joey: I can give you a kiss-?

Bertie: *unimpressed*

Joey: I could get on my hands and knees and start crying

Bertie: that’d be a start” (Rat’s genius)

“His boyfriends wedding, he deserves that cake” (about Wally eating Tom and Allison’s wedding cake)

“Tom wouldn’t say blimey. ..I lie. I’m sorry.”

“Sammy Lawrence is Michael Bublé”

“Pfft- love his handbag” (about a picture of Sammy holding a light from BATDS)

“Richie has discord server mod vibes”

“Rosalia is not a discord kitten. She’s the actual mod, Richie just talks too much”

“Norman is a discord kitty for many many people to turn a profit”

“And Bill and Jane look like they eat humans and get away with it. But In a Endearing tumblr sexy man Sammy way”

“What the fuck is her” (about Slicer)

“Jack is catish”

“You know he’s ready to grab things and “what if you went in my mouth”” (about Ink Demon)

“Grant is autism.

He verbally stims (tick tick tick)

He enjoys math

Canonically He can’t understand when people don’t do things for money which I assume our Grant doesn’t get it either

Bad social skills

Resting bitch face

I say so???? So??? You can’t say I’m wrong???”

“I bet he’s never heard of a social cue in his life” (about Grant)

“Grant’s ‘Strange Money’ tape. He sounds like a self conscious southern 20-something year old that really doesn’t want to be southern. He sounds divorced. He sounds like his ex-wife is a lesbian.”

““Simmons I left something in the Hell Dimension can you get it for me” that’s on brand” (about Joey)

“Henry come on, respect your parents” (about Henry telling Abby to ‘get a better name’)

“Do you think their whole group has a thing for photos, Joey’s photo book, Carol hangs some up and Simmons just has them stuffed into random places, cup holder, under the seats, in his pillow, with the spoons”

“The moment you’re in Simmons’ house you’re walking on eggshells. There could be a jumpscare anywhere”

“Joey - a list of ways he handles the studio, to emphasise that he’s trying his best

Carol - a list of ways she handles being a secretary and a front desk lady, to emphasise that she’s good at her job

Simmons - what the fuck? What is he even doing here?”

“He/him (in the gay way)” (about Simmons)

“She’s actually 12 sea mines in a turtleneck sweater” (about Susie)

“Bald Sammy Lawrence and Skin Eyes Jacob”

“Fuck you [romantic]” (about Joey’s letter to Henry)

“Sammy keeping inky handprints from PJ on his overalls” (based on a picture of a cat leaving wet paw prints on a boot and calling it a little accessory)

“Enemies to lovers [obliviously]” (about Sammy and Susie)

“Do you think even as teenage mean girls beefing it out, Sammy and Susie were still crushing on each other”

“No idea who Eugene is but fuck Chef Buck”

“He is Brazilian I’ve decided, and Sally will be Greek” (about Andre and Sally Newt, when I was designing them)

“Rat: why does 30 years make my eyes green?

Me: Tism does that

Rat: Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman-“

“Bill is what happens when you forget about a middle child”

Edit: “Jacob and Norman definitely do drugs. Anything they can grow, they will take.”

“[scary[hot]]” (about Malice)

[cogentranting]

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. But I discovered your blog through the rating animated horses posts (all of your ratings are perfect btw) and scrolled through out of curiosity. I am a gay trans man and have had some unpleasant experiences with Christians in the past. I know not all Christians are as cruel as they were, but it's easier to believe it when I witness it. I know this is a strange ask but I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You seem like a kind individual who would treat my community like real people. I don't know what your views on us are, but I'm certain you would treat us like anyone else. Thank you for being kind in this terrifying world ♥♥♥

Hi. Thank you so much for this. It means a lot to me to hear you say this.

I do believe very differently than you about matters of gender and sexuality. I have theologically conservative, orthodox Christian beliefs about those things. In short, that sex should be within marriage, which is between a man and a woman; and that there are two genders which are fixed and in line with our biology. That's maybe not the best expression of it, but I'm not trying to lecture you or preach at you or anything, I'm just trying to be clear so that it doesn't come across that I'm either trying to deceive anyone or hiding my beliefs. And I'm figuring that you know the general gist of it. But if you (or anyone else) wants to know more about what I believe on that and why, I can certainly talk about it.

I've gone back and forth the last couple days since you sent this, over what to say and how much to say. Because I really do care. i care very deeply. I've had a fair number of students who identify as gay or trans or nonbinary, and whenever anything comes up related to these issues they are the ones that I think about. Their names, their faces, their stories. And I worry about them, and I hope that they're safe, and happy and taken care of. And when I disagree with them about things like the concept of gender, it's because I truly, deeply believe that they are the ones being harmed by those ideas and that kills me.

I have a lot of strong feelings about the transgender movement and ideology (for lack of a better term) because I really believe that it's doing a lot of very real harm (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical) to people who are vulnerable and struggling and who are just trying to figure out how to fit in and how to be themselves and all of that. People like my students and (without making any assumptions about you or your situation) you.

I think there's far too much assumption of ill will on both sides. I think that most people who share your beliefs and ideology really are trying their best to help people be safe and happy. And I think that most people who share mine (who truly share mine, and not some twisted version, because I'd say there's also a false dichotomy that makes it into two different positions and not a wide range of people believing a wide range of things)-- that most people who share mine also want those same people to be safe and happy.

I do also know that there are far too many Christians and people who call themselves Christians, who respond with anger and mockery and cruelty (or are even just well-meaning but incautious and insensitive). And I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that, and I hope that your experiences in the future are better.

I'll be praying that you are safe and taken care of, and that you will get to see God's love in a way that the Christians you've known in the past have failed to represent to you.

I hope that I haven't said anything to sound unkind or judgmental or like I'm lecturing you, and if I did I'm sorry because that was not my intention. Thank you again for your incredibly kind words, and I'm glad I was able to make you smile with some ridiculous horse jokes. Happy New Year.

[basicallyahedgehog]

A Year Of Me

I have a 2022 in fic post half-finished for later, but I’m feeling self-indulgent and also sappy from some sweet messages. So I’m doing this too.

I walked into 2022 identifying as a cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual, alloromantic woman. I would have told you I was an LGBTQIA+ ally, but I honestly knew very little about the community, our history, or anything related to transition, coming out, etc etc etc.

I read queer fanfic like it was an illicit drug - terrified of being caught, but even more afraid of having it taken away. I trawled tags and realists and bookmarks for characters that were trans, nonbinary, ace, and every other form of queer identity I could think of. I tried to ignore how much they felt like home.

In March I came out to myself,y husband and my mum as ace. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t feel like I was broken just because I didn’t want what the world told me I should. I wasn’t a bad wife, I was ace. It was freeing.

On the 29th May I finally let myself think the words “I’m not Cis”. It took a few more weeks of trying out different things, but by mid-June I identified as nonbinary, used they/them pronouns, joined the most incredible group of people over at the magical trans server, and even came out to a couple of select coworkers. I wrote my first trans character, and got gifted the most beautiful ace fic that still makes me cry.

The months of July through October were murky and full of confusion and tears over my orientation and my gender - things I thought I’d figured out already. I realised I’m demiromantic, and also bi. I started wearing pronoun and pride pins to work, and found the two sweetest allies in my uni students.

I found the term “fluidflux” and cried. By mid-November I started playing around with pronouns again and settled on “genderfluid nonbinary” as a term that finally felt like all of me. I started a new job on the 28th. On the 29th I came out to my supervisor and team leader, gave them permission to tell relevant colleagues so I didn’t have to come out twenty times, and got my pronouns put on my email signature.

In December I’ve survived going stealth for a two week family holiday, chosen a new name, and been overwhelmed by the love and support flooding into my notifs and DMs.

I don’t know what 2023 will bring. I can’t imagine it bringing a greater number of discoveries than 2022, but I also know never to say never! I certainly know that I am so much more myself today than I was on Jan 1 2022.

I know this was super self indulgent. And if you made it this far, thank you. But also, thank you for all the love and support over the last 12 months. Without each and every person in my little fandom bubble, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Some have been particularly instrumental but I I start tagging I’m afraid I’ll miss someone. You know who you are.

So I’ll end this with all my love, and best wishes for a wonderful, authentic 2023

[karlyboyyy]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

Okay first of all - thank you so much for sending me this ask! I haven't received an ask since like 2018, and I really like answering questions! (are any of y'all old enough to remember Formspring? I loved that shit lmao)

Second of all - this took me forever to think of! I suddenly forgot all pieces of media that I've ever consumed. Plus I wanted to make sure I had a mix of stuff lol

Anyway, here's what I've come up with, in no particular order :)

David Rose | Schitt’s Creek

David Rose is honestly so important to me. When I first started watching Schitt’s Creek, I was just like “oh haha sassy queer man, so funny!” But then as the show progressed, I found myself identifying so much with the character. And then I decided to rewatch the show… four more times over the next few months. Like I just kept going back to it. And eventually I thought “ya know… why do I identify so much with a queer man? I’ve never thought of myself as queer and I’m not a man… so why?” Which led me down the rabbit hole of watching other queer-centric shows and doing a bunch of internet searching of sexuality and gender identity. And I honestly learned so much. Like it’s crazy how much I just assumed about a lot of stuff without ever thinking too deeply about it. And wouldn’t you fuckin know it, I realized I was bisexual. And then the more and more I thought about how I see myself and how I wanted others to see me, I decided that yep, I’m not a man… but I’m also not really too attached to being a woman either. So here we are today, just a big ol’ bisexual nonbinary androgynous blob. All thanks to David Rose!

2. Karasuno VBC | Haikyuu!!

Is this answer cheating? I feel like it’s cheating. But I’ve tried - I’ve reeeally tried - to pick a favorite character from Haikyuu, and I just cannot. So I’ve chosen the entire ‘12-‘13 Karasuno High School Volleyball Club (coaches and managers included!). I just love them each so much for different reasons. Like, Hinata is such a sweetheart and I’m so proud of him by the end of the series! Kageyama is my baby, my sweet grumpy dumb-dumb baby. Sugawara is probably the one I relate to the most, coming off as shy and calm but in reality he’s a little insane. And Asahi! My sweet sensitive Asahi, I love him so much. I could ramble on for days, but I won’t. Just know that I would fight to the death for these fictional characters. 

3. Power | Chainsaw Man

Since I’ve decided that I’d only do one cheat answer, I can’t list the whole Hayakawa family as one character. That said, I’d have to say Power is my favorite of the trio. She’s loud and obnoxious and egotistical and powerful and silly and gross and honestly everything I wish I could be. 

4. Xie Lian | Heaven Official’s Blessing

Xie Lian is so awkward, but he’s low-key hilarious. There’s a moment in chapter 6 of the first novel, where he was worried because he didn’t have any shrines or worshippers dedicated to him in the mortal realm. But then, there’s this excerpt: “And one day, on a whim, he suddenly thought: If no one worships me, I’ll worship myself! None of the heavenly officials knew how to respond to that. Who had ever fucking heard of a god worshipping himself?! To reach such tragic heights, what was the point?! However, Xie Lian was used to receiving nothing but awkward silence the moment he spoke and thought amusing himself could be fun.” Like… that whole ‘fuck it, I’m just gonna do whatever the hell I want’ attitude gives me life. On top of all that, he’s a cheapskate scrap collector, a terrible cook, and has the worst luck. But he’s a total sweetheart, he tries his best at everything he does, he’s always trying to help people, and HELLO he’s got Hua Cheng wrapped around his finger. 

5. Uramichi Omota | Life Lessons With Uramichi-oniisan

My favorite depressy boi. Life Lessons is so freakin funny and way too goddamn relatable. I think I have four different magnets at my desk at work with images / quotes of Uramichi from the show and manga. There's not much else I can say other than he speaks to my soul.

6. Kageyama “Mob” Shigeo | Mob Psycho 100

The goodest boy!! A friend actually recommended Mob Psycho to me, and at first I was a little skeptical. But by the third episode I was hooked. And by season 3, I found myself literally sobbing. Just seeing Mob’s growth throughout the show, and how his kindness impacted so many people around him… it just fills my heart. But also the moment where he almost loses himself to the ???%… just wow. The whole message of that show is so so good and I will literally recommend it to anyone and everyone. 

7. Sasaki Shuumei | Sasaki and Miyano

The sweetest cinnamon roll!! The way he truly loves Miyano is so refreshing. Sure, he has the whole “but he’s a guy…” thought at first. But he gets over that fairly quickly. He just knows that Miyano is cute and he genuinely wants to get to know him. He actively engages with Miyano to try and learn about his interests and hobbies. He reads all the BL Miyano lends him. He gives his honest feedback about each story! He stands up for Miyano’s interests. He confesses to Miyano pretty early on, but recognizes that Miyano may not reciprocate those feelings right away. He continually reassures Miyano that his feelings are strong, but he’s not pushy about it. It’s more like he wants to make sure Miyano doesn’t see his feelings as a passing whim. And when they finally get together, he’s not shy about their relationship. He talks about it to his friends and family. When the two of them start to get more physical, Miyano voices his concern about who’s going to be the “bottom”. And Sasaki’s immediate thought was that he didn’t really care which way they went, he just knew that he wanted it to be with Miyano. And my GOD I loved seeing that. I feel like discussing your sexual preferences with your partner and figuring out what you’re comfortable with doing is SO important, but that aspect of starting a new relationship isn’t portrayed nearly enough in BL stories. It’s usually just one guy being a little nervous about being bottom and the other guy automatically assuming they’re the top, with zero communication. Anyway, I digress. Back to Sasaki. My cinnamon roll. I just love him. 

8. April Ludgate | Parks and Recreation 

Parks and Rec will always be one of my comfort shows. And I first watched it when I was about the same age as April - young enough to not really know what I wanted to do in life and also not really caring about that stuff just yet. I loved her dry sense of humor and her sarcasm. And watching her grow into someone with more confidence in her career and relationships was amazing. Also fun fact, when I interviewed for my first role at my current workplace - which happens to be an Indiana government entity - I was asked why I was interested in government work. And I straight up said that Parks & Rec made it seem interesting lmao. They must have liked that answer, because I’m still there almost 4 years later and have promoted up since then! 

9. Dorothy Zbornak | Golden Girls

I first watched Golden Girls when I was in college, when my roommate was like “I promise you’ll like it, it’s so funny” and I was like bitch… it’s an old show about old ladies. But she was RIGHT. It’s hilarious. And honestly so wholesome. And ICONIC (I mean come on. This show talked about women's sex lives, old women's sex lives at that. And LGBT+ issues. And workplace harassment. And invisible illnesses / disabilities and the struggles of getting your doctor to actually listen to you. All of this in the '80s, no less!) And I feel like most people liked Rose because, duh it’s Betty White. But Dorothy was my jam. She was sarcastic and always annoyed by something (same). But she genuinely cared about her friends. And look. I ain’t gonna lie. That deep, almost raspy voice of hers? Hot. 

10. Jake Peralta | Brooklyn 99

He’s honestly so annoying, but I love him. He gives off this “I’m gonna do the bare minimum and be silly the whole time and STILL get the fuckin’ job done” vibe, and ya know what? He does just that. He’s actually a great detective and problem solver. He just also knows how to have fun. And his relationship with Amy is one of the few straight(-passing) relationships that I honestly love so much. They’re so cute and pure and goofy and relatable. And don’t even get me started on his friendship with Rosa. I mean, he went with her when she wanted to come out as bi to her parents!! Aahhhh!! Lastly, his flannel / hoodie / leather jacket combo? Pure bisexual fashion and I am here for it.

[cruelsister-moved2]

you said you weren't gonna elaborate but ifyou have time could you on that point that most cis women will only give their genitals as what ties them to womanhood. not sure I understand the implication bc in my experience that's true and I've also wrestled with the same idea a lot bc of being in that space between cis and nonbinary where it's like well I don't feel like what society says a woman is but to pretend that all cis women do is misogynistic. jw your thoughts because i think abt it a lot

yeah I think about it too... obligatory The Quote:

anyway yeah I just I don't know how to say this without coming off dismissive to people who find other frameworks useful to understanding their existence but there really is only how you want to live in reality and what gets me is the... assuming people who don't use certain labels dont have the same interior complexity as you(ie the pansexual effect). no one can ever see your internal Experience of Gender and you can never see anyone else's so it feels like there might actually be an upper limit to how useful it is to engage with. idk maybe I'm just too autistic for all this stuff but I feel like on the internal level you, to yourself, are just you. gender is literally a relational framework that we use to categorise OTHER people so we are all going to feel some amount of awkwardness about the attempt to apply it to ourselves internally. I think some people, upon discovering this, are a little too hasty to assume everyone else (esp cis women) has an easy time doing that. So i guess THAT'S what i mean, like a lot of people are just straight up NOT doing that and just not considering themselves as having a say and therefore not thinking about it. which isn't to say that they don't have complex feelings about themselves as individuals in a gendered society, or even that they might not hypothetically feel equal or better about existing in the opposite category, if they were able to consider that for themselves.

Like im femme4butch I'm obviously a big enjoyer of fun with gender performance but I do feel like ultimately your options are like "I'm expected to be in group A but group B feels at least somewhat less terrible to me" or "neither group A nor group B feels at all comfortable for me" or "existing sometimes in group A and sometimes in group B depending on the context is preferable to me" etc. and each of those encompasses a host of internal experiences of gender but it just skips feeling like that is something fundamental that we automatically owe each-other and require to understand each-other and decides that actually in terms of interactions with other humans our efforts are best placed in facilitating others moving through the world in a way that's most frictionless for them. and internally within the LGBT community who even cares because its only recently that cis gay people have even had a category resembling cisness open to them bc previously manhood and womanhood were so inherently contingent upon heterosexuality (spoiler: they still are it's just you can at least theory cut out the gender of attraction and replace it). i think this is why people are increasingly identifying with terms like transsexual again because it DOES feel relevant to their identity that much of their lived experience is organised around moving through the world as other than their cagab. ithink once you acknowledge that gender isn't defined for you (either by your genitals or like your Male Brain or Female Soul or whatever) then it kind of turns the concept of what even is gender into soggy cardboard anyway, and trying to articulate the specific qualities of ur handful of soggy cardboard is largely pointless in comparison to what container youre going to put it in. and if that begs the question of why we're putting soggy cardboard into all these different containers anyway, well then there you go

[goodmode]

really annoys me that a lot of my old art inspos that I also looked up to for their identities keep coming out as transmasc. like they can do whatever they want im just being a petty little hater. it was just important to me to see someone i could look up not only for art but for my own personal identity its late and im not the best at explaining but it meant a lot to see that being a masculine woman was just allowed. to be a cis woman who wanted to be seen as just some guy while also being a woman.

it feels that maybe being a masculine woman is wrong in a sense when half of the people i watch state that it was used as a bridge for them to find their identity (again fair enough power to them hope theyre doing well im just being a little hater) and the other half on my goddamn recommended on tiktok/youtube shorts state that being a masculine woman is just, attention seeking mental illness. maybe im wrong and a bad person, everyone i used to heavily relate to their experiences in femininity no longer express it in a way that i can see as inspirational and its trouble finding people i can relate to as closely again. sorry im not sure if this was ment to be shared on anon or not byt im paranoid of being cancelled if i misphrased this i wanted to go to sleep an hour ago

you're not a little hater i think you are just frustrated! and that's understandable.

i struggle a lot with the idea of femininity as a whole because having grown up Under That Roof i find it very difficult to reconcile "i am a daughter and that is important to me" with "i am not a Feminine Girly Girl though". in the end that made the most sense to me when i tentatively crossed over the line and said "maybe i'm not a girl at all. maybe i'm a daughter to my parents, and not even a girl at all to everyone else?"

i grew up as an awkward tomboy, rejected femininity and tried to present more "masculine" without really understanding why i was expected to present either way. i usually look at it this way: for a long time i WAS a girl. and some part of me still is that girl who grew up like that. so women's issues will always be important to me, and the idea that women should be allowed to present themselves however they want ("masculine" but still a woman, for example, fits here like a glove!) is especially important to me.

i have friends who grew up assigned male, too, and the idea that men can't even put on a dress without someone going "omg She must be trans" is ALSO hurtful believe it or not. (see drag queens and also the wider ongoing discussion on gender vs presentation vs the binary). it feels like no matter where you sit, someone is going to insist you have to be something. everyone is very excited about gender but sometimes people can be a cis man and wear Feminine(C)(TM) clothes and sometimes it's a cis woman wearing a suit or t-shirt and jeans and refusing to perform the Tits Manifesto and that's still a ciswoman if she says so.

for me that pressure manifested as going "fuck this i'm nonbinary i am not interested in gender" and sometimes that includes deliberately manspreading when i can see someone is trying to interpret me as female. or hunching to hide the tits. but i don't think i'm transmasc and i don't really want that label on me. i just don't think of myself that way - i'm nonbinary and i don't WANT to "present as masc" or "present as femme". i just want to present in a way that cuts people off when they try to box me in. nipping it off in the bud. culture of No Not Like that.

what i'm saying is:

i still (and will always, and am constantly reminded because i don't "pass" well) remember what being a woman is like. and let's be honest, so does wider society, because most people are still operating on "awww you had a baby is it a boy or a girl?" terms, and then Assigning Stuff depending on that.

but rejecting that assignment doesn't always mean having to transition. i had to scrutinise this concept a lot over the years, and i still scrutinise it now. am i nonbinary or am i just a woman who is so, so, so, sick of being expected to be a woman?

for me, the answer has become "i'm not going to look at it too hard, and i'm most comfortable when i introduce myself as Nil Zero None Gender. so i guess i'm nonbinary."

for other people who grew up as women, the answer may be something else, like: "i'm a woman and being a woman doesn't mean having to twiddle my hair and giggle and That's That On That"

i was born in the early 1990s and grew up not knowing what a trans person was. the word "transgender" didn't hit my vocabulary until i was about 16-17. i saw rocky horror and thought it was a one-off weird film that someone just made up from their head. omg a man in women's clothes? made up [laughcry emoji] (i loved the film anyway and looking back now, it's hilarious that all i knew was cisgender and yet i still Felt The Film So Important To Me)

so i think a lot of people grew up not having a choice. and now there's a choice, a lot of people are going "oh my god thank goodness" and taking that choice. i think the large numbers of transmascs could be partly helped along by the sheer relief of not having to Perform Girl any more (take this with a pinch of salt i'm only one person).

but this doesn't (and shouldn't) detract from the experiences of women who were assigned You're Woman and still consider themselves women. because this is 2022. women face their own issues (inequality, pay gaps, discrimination) and this has been going on for a truly archaeological timespan and it needs to be addressed, with or without the transgender discussion. preferably with! because we are stronger that way and can make better and more nuanced points by referring to the way trans people are treated.

i don't quite know how to end this post but - it IS frustrating that the presentation of your gender (woman) feels like it's being minimalised, as if people are jumping ship like rats escaping a sinker. i understand that feeling completely. but the Woman Battleship is not actually sinking, i promise!

i think what you need to do is find other cis girls/women like you, (like. preferably who support trans rights and aren't bigots and understand there is a wider scope here), and try to connect with those women. because they are out there! and i do NOT doubt in the slightest that that frustration is present in them too. i think the more you discuss it (while - PLEASE - still keeping kindness to transmascs in mind, they really are just experiencing something you don't experience yourself, it's not that deep and maybe it's helpful to sit back and go "not for me but aight") - the more you'll feel comfortable with your presentation and understanding of yourself as a woman.

women's rights are still being shat on. i won't beat around the bush here. it still sucks to be a woman. and transitioning helps an individual to come to terms with their own self, but we are all still going to have to fight the same fight because the fight is still there. an employer isn't going to give you the same treatment as the male employees just because you look like a woman with some beard scruff, unfortunately. people like you (cis woman) and me (no gender) and transmascs (transmascs) have to link arms in this matter. we know the same trouble and it still hurts and it's still raw.

so i guess the full tl;dr is: i was a woman once and it sucked and that's why i want every cis woman to know that i understand and cannot ever stop understanding. there are Expectations on women and if i ever see a woman EVEN POLITELY asked to "wear a skirt please. women have to wear skirts for this" i will start biting. women don't have to perform anything for anyone. women are women who are women because they are women. anyone who thinks there has to be a performative element can die mad